Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #770 - Sam Tripoli

Episode Date: March 18, 2020

Sam Tripoli, a stand up comedian and host of the, "Tin Foil Hat" and "Punch Drunk," podcasts, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/church   CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.     

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The church family can go to zip recruiter dot com slash church That's zip recruiter dot com slash church kick this meal The church wants to welcome sam Tripoli honor and a privilege to be back in saddle brother I love you very much. I love both you guys very much. Thank you so much for having me on dude. The love is in the air Yeah, it is. We got the lights all canned. Yeah, so dude somebody said if you read these Ingredients man, you could find corona virus in there. Do you know that did you like on the?

On the lights all it's dude. I'm telling you. I know you're gonna think I'm a crazy person brother There's way more to this than anybody even understands And I think it's way deeper than just everybody. I mean, I'm being honest with you, man I think it's there's another play at work and that's my opinion. What is the other play? I think that the chinese government and neoliberals are trying to tank the u.s economy So that they can get rid of donald trump out of office And that there's just a lot of stuff about this that doesn't make any sense And it's just some weird stuff and they're trying to get everybody to stop going to work stop. I mean like

You know, they're always saying like oh wall street. Dude are the economies in trouble wall street. Yeah, because they stop production In china and that's what they're trying to do because trump's been in this in this trade war with china right now And china's pissed They're not happy about like trump is trying to move all the industry over to india india and china don't get along So there's this whole thing that's going on and i'm telling you dude It's not that the coronavirus doesn't exist. Nobody's saying that it exists It's just a little bit stronger than the common cold. That's my honest opinion. I've been studying this stuff and That's what i'm telling you, but that's a different podcast

I don't want to get too weird and weird people out, but that's god honest truth, man It is the funny thing your conspiracy theory this i am not a conspiracy theorist but I saw something and i've repeated this on this podcast That i saw something with my own eyes. I'm not crazy sand. You're not brother. I'm not crazy. I got problems I got problems like everybody else, but i'm not crazy I'm a little higher alert than most people, you know

I'm a little more pts. You are dude. You are i'm high alert and i'm like drum and stuff like that, but i'm not crazy This was first this first got the first case that we got diagnosed with was january 18 I had a travel the 24th and for some particular reason I even asked myself that sunday when i was coming back from Atlanta I said to myself, is this me? Or are there more asians than usual today at the airport?

Like that friday when i left there was a lot of asians Yeah, but that sunday in atlanta when i was coming to alley it was like Watching a movie tripping on acid. Yeah, everybody seemed asian. I'm not putting anybody down. I'm not making no Racist remarks. Let's tell you what I saw. I remember coming back on boy. That was a heavy Asian plane, you know, where was it from atlanta? Interesting. Well, that's a hub, isn't it? Okay, so the hot whatever it is It just seemed like an overwhelming amount of asians to everybody else who was traveling

And I get back and they're talking about this thing and then it blows up, you know, I'm like everybody else There was mosquitoes. There was remember two years ago mosquitoes are going to kill you and then ebola What's going to kill you and all every election? We're all like this is the type of people, you know, we're used to it But this was something that it seemed like It's like when somebody puts uh Well, you're put you you're a bomb your apartment. Yeah, you're a bomb your apartment And you come back and you go like, oh, okay. No roaches and often two days later

The guy next door knocks on your door and he goes Is it me or have you seen an unusual amount of roaches later? You're like, oh, shit The roaches went into his apartment You know what I'm saying? Like, yeah Oh my god, by me putting that bomb out the guy next door announcing the way next door knocks on your door two days later She goes, is it me or am I seeing more roaches later? You're like, I'm roach-free. You know, I ain't got a bug in here There's one he's laying on the car upside down. His legs are moving. That's it. Yeah That I saw that and I came back and then I'm not, you know, I'm not I'm not doing drugs. I'm not drinking

I'm not I mean I take an edible whatever I fly but I saw a lot more Than what I thought so in my world if I ever was to hear this I could actually raise my hand and say I gotta be honest here The week of the 25th there was an unusual high amount of Asians Traveling that weekend like trying to get out like they knew something that we didn't know they were walking with their head looked down fast rolling those fucking cart those fucking things and I was like Okay, and now I'm seeing all this shit the cancellations, you know south by southwest Who the fuck would have thought you know

And and and this is like this is gonna be all of march Dude, it's gonna be interesting how long this goes. It's gonna be all of march and I told you I went to the commie store to do saramella show Again, no reason to lie to you. We've both been regulars for 20 fucking years. Yeah Past the kitchen as soon as I walked into the main room. I smelled it My fucking Yeah, dude got up. I made that turn into the main room It was heavy

Down the hallway heavy behind the stage. It was heavy When I opened up the green room, there was too many people in the fucking green room And I walked out. I was like fuck this place. I sat behind the The By the corner with the door is yeah But it was yeah, I sat there the rest of the night I went out and I ran out of that main room and it's like people are not respecting it enough Well, I that's a big thing I have to do with my show now. There's too many people hanging out and like I'm very much into like

I'm very like when I first moved here, man Like I remember being at this one comedy club And I'm not gonna say the name of the comics of the managers But they were all sitting there and I could tell that the value of my opinion was totally weighed by what my IMDB credit was, you know, so I've always been very very like cautious on how like how I treat younger comics I always want to show them respect because you know, you never know where they're gonna go And I remember I was them when I was like sure I was gonna be this really big name comic and like I felt like

I was getting disrespect So I always show love man because at the end of the day They're people with a dream man and people don't realize you're laying a lot of shit on the line to come out here and Sometimes you don't realize till it's too late and it's almost too late to start something else So you're kind of trying to figure out what to do next So I always show people up But the point is is that it's gotten too busy back there I have to let the comics who are going in the show

Chill and not you know because everybody because the comedy store dog is like nothing you've ever seen before There's no other place in the world like you can't go to the viper room or the whiskey and hang out with tool Right or hang out with led zeppelin or hang out with any big the comedy store The fucking savages are everywhere all your heroes are just walking down the hall So it's a very unique place and so but sometimes people they have you know They don't have any of that uh a social etiquette and they're not self aware and they're just running the back and You know, it's like oh, I want to talk to roger I want to talk to ds as well

It's like they're working dude that you know you gotta give them their space to get working So I totally understand what you were talking about. I have for my show personally comedy cat I'm going to start really shutting down Who can go backstage so the comics can have a moment of peace and well no no I wasn't mad about that. I was just saying that there was a lot of people back there There was a lot of people back there and with this virus. Yeah, you know, nobody fucking knows There's no ventilation in that back. It's old school. It's old school. There's not a window back there So if you go back there, you're breathing whatever the else is breathing. Yeah, all right, and if this is a six foot distance

so I just Played it for what it was. I listen. I'm not fucking I'm not that I don't think I'm gonna die I don't yeah, I'm gonna fucking die from it or whatever I just want you to be cautious and making great fucking decisions. I just saw a thing On facebook. Did you see it about the strip club in vegas? No, fucking just like hand sanitizing They went on bought hundreds of thousands of sanitizer money

You can't touch the chick now. You can't you have to Funny as that, dude, you believe during the epidemic people are still getting lap dances and they're like propelling their hands and chat Go, you know, there's no I don't want a lap dance. I want you to sit on my face. Yeah, I gotta throw my face What a lap dancing one of my 10 one of my 14. Are you gonna sit in my face? I'm not going to that weirdest thing dude. It's just Bro, this is gonna shut down A lot of stuff I have for sure

You know, uh, they put something out that NBA games might have to be played with no audience And the blond said he didn't want to play with that without a crowd, but they might just have no crowd there It's interesting. NBA's shady as shit though. They got that. They're all in that Chinese money and shit That affected their ratings. Yeah, that was crazy. That affected their ratings, dude. They got shut out china for a while That affected their ratings man when bruh lebron was like, hey, man mind your business. You don't know what's going on over there We're like, what you're the guy that's telling us I can't breathe and every social thing You're putting your fucking your nose into and all of a sudden you're like leave the chinese alone Dude, there's a million muslims in concentration camps in china and nobody gives a fuck

Right. It's so weird, dude china's shady as shit Why are the muslims in concentration? Dude, they got they just locked them down, dude They're on lockdown dude. They put them in these camps, man And these internment camps man, it's really sad and it's really scary, dude And nobody's saying everything anything because it's muslims and people like oh, it's like dude. They're people man It's like they got locked dude. Something's going on. Listen, man You know a lot of this coronavirus hit in places where there were like riots going on hong kong

You know right no this part of italy that's right next to france where all these people were all rioting, right? Nobody's rioting anymore Hong Kong's been shut down And then they got on top of that google's helped created chinese social credit scores, which is basically dude They calculate what kind of human being you are and if your credit's too low, you can't get on flights You can't get on buses. You can't do all this stuff Now they're a lot now they're getting you dude you get in your house. They're locking people down. It's like really It's like scary shit, dude

It's like some purge stuff going on over there And that's why I think china's trying to play a game with us, dude They don't like that trump's trying to like even tariff so I didn't even know there was that kind of tariffs, man But not to get too serious But I think there's a lot more to this when bill gates is like bae bruth calling out his epidemics like you know 600 million people dead or six million people dead and he's pointing it He's been talking about it forever. He just happens to own the virus. Do you know that? You know bill gates has the patent on the coronavirus

How do you have a patent on a virus? He owns the patent on it So basically the patent is that if anybody comes up that you get a percentage of the vaccine But he owns it and the guy who's been talking about a fucking epidemic common, dude Is the guy who happens to just own now, dude, you ready to get weird, dude Hit me If you take the heat if you take the actual Name of the virus. It's not coronavirus. It's something else and you do the Hebrew translation of that word. Do you know what that word is? Kobe

Now here's where it gets weird, dude Kobe's buddy in this like lighthouse or lifeguard company owns Is also on the board of the three companies that own Basically the uh the the patent on this drug on this vaccine It's crazy, dude That's have you ever heard of gemantria? No, okay, dude. This is like old Hebrew, uh, it's basically where the Hebrew. Have you heard gemantria? No, you've never heard of it It's basically based on Hebrew math and numbers with words words equal numbers

Letters have a number, so I see dude. It's dude with Kobe's whole thing There's so much involved with that, dude So a couple weeks ago you had a guy on the podcast Bishop larry gators What was he saying? Broke it down, dude that this was basically an assassination Now here's the crazy thing on google the day that the moment the word got out if you went putting kobi brine It would say the his death date and say it wouldn't say day of death

It would say day of assassination and if you google that you could see it. It said day of assassination and basically According to this guy Uh, they took out kobi because kobi was suing three pharmaceutical companies that were putting out a uh black mamba um But they were putting opiates in it to get people hooked up and he had found out about it and he had said He was suing them to stop it And there's all these he was supposed to go to court that week

The week he was the week he died he was supposed to go to court at the deal with this stuff So, you know in uh, if you look at all this like uh cult stuff the number 33 is a very big work number, right? Have you heard that 33? Weird he died Calabasas, you know a district that is 33 it's the 33rd district in in the united states And there's all those numbers dude

When they announced it on espn that kobi had died you look at the you look at dude This is weird shit, man If you want me stop tell me but no because and please it dude I'll talk to you about this your your your comment section is going to be like i'm the biggest asshole Please don't hate me. No. No. No. No. I love all this stuff. I love that you took the time You know somebody took the time to research this stuff. So I know what that was going on Dude, it's crazy If you look at like so when espn announces that the death of kobi

It's during the pro bowl game and if you look at the score Of the game if you break down gematria it equals kobi dead It's crazy stuff, dude, and it's everything's 24. So when So the night before Kobi dies he's in philadelphia Lebron james is passing him on the all-time scoring list, dude On the court. Do you know what was on the court? It's a very famous philadelphia thing But on the court was a snake and a snake was chopped up, okay

And it's basically a symbol and it's the symbol means join or die And that was on the court when he was there, dude, and it's all this crazy stuff now. Have you heard the bullies? No, okay the bullies So, you know, you have the skull and the skull and bones That's a very secret society. The the ivy league schools were started by all the old Opium families all the families who were who were running opium started the started the 13 Um ivy league schools So this one the russells started the skull and bones. Tell me when to stop if i'm boring you please

Okay, they start the skull and bones, okay, and they basically did this to create a So they could give money to get heads up on elite children. Anyways Blacks can't join the skull and bones They're not allowed to join So they started another group called the bullies and the bullies are the black secret societies do And these their whole their whole saying is Protect the table. They can't have a seat at the table their job is to protect the table Okay, and it's all of these super elite

African-americans are all part of this boulet. Okay LeBron James's chest if you look at it The tattoo is the boulet symbol Which is a black fraternity symbol, which is crazy because he didn't go to college So it's like he's got a giant boulet symbol on his chest He's part of the whole secret and that's why I'm either convinced he wasn't at Kobe's thing or He was hiding. It's like some weird. You see pictures of LeBron at Kobe's thing. It looks like bigfoot pictures

You're like, I've seen clear pictures of bigfoot running through the the forest and I've seen a LeBron at at uh Kobe's memorial, but it's all real stuff dude. It's some real stuff. He got off because and then dude He was into some dark art shit Like if you ever look at Kobe Bryant's workout, you ever hear of his famous workout, you know, what's called the 6 6 6 workout Okay, if you look at his child children's book that didn't come out But if you look at the children's book, it's a picture of a tree with a tree below it Which is an old cult saying as above so below all that stuff, dude Lot he's his mamba symbol as a snake eating its tail very occultic dude huge occult stuff

Now are you ready? He had this lifeboat or life house company Jeff Stiball Who is super shady was his partner. Do you know who was on the board of that that whole thing? Jeffrey Epstein How many fucking things is Jeffrey Epstein apart? All of it, dude. All right, I'm done. No, no, how many things keep going? I don't care. I love all this Yeah, dude Super occult man Now if you look when Kobe died dude during the occultic holidays, it was a it was a holiday of sacrifice

The during the during the dates is the the the January 26. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was during that month of sacrifice in particular virgin. It's crazy Why was Kobe allowed to fly that day when nobody else was allowed? his his his His pilot was super skilled all the biggest names used his pilot Why was he allowed when all all the police la pd for helicopters were grounded everything was grounded except for Kobe brines his his uh helicopter

It was they were grounded because of the fog that's what I came in that morning I remember going wow, there's a lot of fog and I came in at 9 30 By the time I got home. We had just been mentioned On twitter and I couldn't find the yahoo yet and then something came in that's exactly when I got home I got home at 10 15 or something like that. Yeah, it was like a quick me and Simone got back. We got in the car And boom we came home. That's it. There was no drama. There was nobody at the airport the inventor of the helicopter That um, uh, Kobe was in is an old freemason occultic. It's all it's the everything lying

It's up. It's super crazy and super sad because I do think they often because he was suing the pharmaceutical companies for millions of dollars because he found out they were putting oh Opiates in there in there in their medication to get people hooked Do you ever worry about them coming after you I'm dude. I'm so low on the totem pole There's people I know that do way crazier stuff that Hmm That and maybe they will someday. I don't know. I'm a dick joke comic, dude I'm a late night dick joke comic who has had a certain a little bit of success

But I'm far from on the blip of everything, but I just find it interesting. I'm not trying to change anything I just love to hear about it, dude and all the craziness But just doesn't even stop there if you look at Kobe's, uh, if you look at the mamba logo which is the Which is basically baffment, dude. It also looks like a Helicopter tailspin pointing down. It's crazy. It's crazy, dude It's all there, man It never fucking ends

It never ends but but when you see it The listen nobody's trying to change anything I just don't like getting lied to and I just love to watch it and call it out in real time And if listen if I was wrong all the time like how many times if you started something like I ain't good at this I ain't good doing them. You quit right if I was wrong Most of the time or a quarter of the time or half the time I wouldn't be doing this. I wouldn't be talking about this. I'm just I'm hitting at a clip That's insanity, dude

I just I call out all this stuff because I because you study their patterns and it all makes sense I'm telling you. I don't even think Jeffrey up seems dead, dude I don't think he's dead. I think he's somewhere chilling in the Bahamas somewhere Dude, they just activated his bank account. You see that His bank account just got activated and the bank was like who activated this bank account somebody activated the bank account There's just a whole bunch of stuff that doesn't even make any sense You know, you asked well, I was eddy a couple weeks ago and we had him on I mean

You know I've been locked up You know, and I know when people check on you I know the suicide watch of the wing the fucking rat watch. Don't they have a They have a stick called they where the rats go with some protect PC Protective custody wing and then you have the med wing Well, they check you All the time when you're in the fucking jail

Every hour and then after a certain amount there's gaps After midnight or something There's two hour gaps Maybe the guy messes a gap here and there but not like that night Nothing like that night what I've heard nothing like that That's just too much and that jail was kinky as fuck anyway. I just found a loaded gun in one of the cells And that's what they tell you That's the shit that somebody decides they tell you they found one gun. They really found eight. Yeah, you know

That's what they tell you you gotta But when you listen to this shit, you have to assume if they found one they finally eat And a pound of heroin and you know Is everything in that if they're telling you it's for reasons reading an article last week two weeks ago in new york times Everybody wants every year mate wants to go to sing sing Sing sing is the maximum security prison an hour outside of manhattan. I went there tons of times on visitation I used to go visit somebody there on visitation

and it was like You could just They sit at tables like this. There was no glass It was just a long table And we would talk and I remember talking to him one time And fucking whenever the you know whenever the whenever you hand the kid over That kid's got a pound of heroin out. Yeah, all right They take the kid and they're like yes, I'm my lap and they're taking the heroin out of his pocket

And putting it into their pocket. You pay the guard a small 50 He lets you go through with the heroin and boom It goes out into the fucking people don't realize. Yeah, dude when you're in prison and you see somebody handing off a prison Kid to a prisoner that kid's got a gun on him. He's just making the kid mules Kid mules. So when you were like this, we're talking there's no so you're his father I'm his brother and we're talking to him and all of a sudden I brought your son Oh Come here. Come and come see you

Boom and then the guard will finally come over and we come out to touch the kids. He already took the heroin out of his pocket Yeah, come on come on back over here with the fucking corona virus You're back with your uncle and he's shaking a good job And you know like you did good click shut up and he ain't took it out of my pocket shut up don't worry about it How about the other like there's groups of female officers who are just basically on hoe patrol, dude They make like bang the bang these like powerful Inmates it's crazy, dude. Doug. There's so much shit that goes on the prison An american wouldn't you a guy like lee

Wouldn't believe Like you just wouldn't believe what goes on Inside a prison. No, it's tough. I wouldn't you don't want to you don't want to believe You don't really the government's doing this to you It's crazy. You can't believe that it's so negligent You can't believe that it goes on, you know the reason why I was reading this article about sing sing Is they were saying that if you go to prison the percentage of you percentage of recidivism is 45 percent

45 fucking percent But if you get college educated, it's four percent You get some type of college Education it drops to four percent How can it drop 40 percent with so sing sing has a college has courses there So all these inmates want to transfer this It's really an hour outside the city. That's why they're going to traffic as it's heat makes it easier for your relatives to come visit you They don't have to go up to any of those places up there. You know, there's a town up there

Up there in new york, but new york state. Why you grew up. Yeah, courtland outside courtland. There's cities up there. They're just Prison cities. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's just a person people on it. Like when I was going to shoot that movie for uh What benisha do toro for showtime That thing that him he did last year. What was that series? He did on showtime Benisha don't talk about a prisoner That got oh, yeah, the uh the uh lady who helped those two dudes get out those two dudes get out They offered me like four episodes of that show But it shot right on the canadian border

So you couldn't even fly into buffalo. You had to fly into canada and drive over was closer Like if you drove into buffalo, it was like an hour drive Like it's an hour drive to fucking somewhere in nowhere So when they told me you have to stay up there from august It's 10 to 23rd to february 5th. Nah It's not gonna happen number one. They got no hotels up there But they got up there and that's exactly I bumped into benisha because benisha was with ca I bumped into his agent one day and I go how's benisha like and he goes

Sure, he's in a no civilization town It's a prison town. Yeah everything spaced So you you gotta that person's shady as shit too, which one the one where that shit went down Do you ever see the video where like somebody's doing news report and you see somebody pulling up a bucket with the drugs? Right there on the news report. Really? Yeah Oh my god Where was that jail where they escaped from it's like I I felt like I thought it was near alpany, but I don't think so

I think it's more on the borders up there. There's a town. I went to when I lived in bolder I lived with a kid that I didn't live with him. We were friends. We sold cars together and he told me He goes I had no options Out of high school He goes I had no options My options were to do the family business work at the prisons My mother works at the prisons my father works at the prison my brothers and sisters work at the prisons My parents their brothers and sisters their father working the prison. Yeah, you work into the prison great pay benefits

He told me once he was working at the prison. Yeah, that's it. My cousin's doing that in nebraska right now He's he did my cousin who takes eddy bravo's Jiu-jitsu in nebraska. Yeah. Oh my right. He's working at a prison He's banging some muslim chick. I don't know how you find a muslim chick in nebraska But he found her and he's like he's like some kind of like counselor now at a prison up there And he's like trying to be nice everybody. He's like, how's your day going? They're like, fuck you, man I'm doing life. What are you? How do you think it's going? He's like a but he like he's like playing games with him He's like i'm doing great. Thank you for saying something. Enjoy your lunch and he just walks off, dude. Yeah, you don't say

I remember like an old time coming up to me one day going bro. We don't say good morning Jesus We want to be positive. Yeah I When I you know when I got locked up I was upset for like a week guys to be honest with you After a week. I was like this ain't that bad Can you believe that i'm telling you this as a man?

Somebody did a guide a couple weeks ago about how we would do in jail We would Do what I did run the joint Because when you're funny Oh I've thought about it. I've run to uh, whatever it's called solitary. I think I can do solitary fine. Why dude I'm terrible dude. You want to live in a box? It's like smoke. It's like dude. It's a box, bro Say something when I went when I got locked up

It wasn't that bad I could sit here and lie to you And tell you the first two weeks were how because it was the last two weeks august With no air and I was on the third floor and you stop sweating. Oh, I'm sure don't Stop sweating when I went to but you also have to remember that I made it through the system in less than a month that was unheard of That was unheard of

Like you had to sit in the system. Like when I got sentenced they told me That day they're like listen You better get comfortable and bolder because you're not gonna see Canyons till october Maybe november, maybe december or that backed up But I didn't care because county jail is two for one So it's two days for one so I didn't so remember I got four years, right? Yeah

So it's simple math like I had no time Because I got four years There was a new law house bill 1200 passed if it's a non offender non-violent crime First offense Sentence gets cut in half So it went from 24 from 48 to 24, right? Oh I did a month. I had two weeks in county That's a month. Yeah, so I had 23 months left

And you're eligible for a halfway house at 18 months And you get put in a halfway house at the 16 month level Once you were 18 months you're eligible for a half house You're just a wake up away from going Back up your stuff Get out Like your girlfriend is on the way to visit you on a four-hour drive And they'll tap you on the shoulder and go get your stuff. You're leaving it out when you're like, what about my girlfriend?

Who cares? Well, that's because I used to love like those lock-up shows all that stuff It's crazy to me like you were at least living in colorado But let's say you went on vacation or to do a show in Denver And did something you could just end up in jail somewhere where you have nothing like nothing It's crazy. Just end up in jail. I spent one night in jail I bought drugs off a hooker Because I had gotten sober and like I was itching and I was like, fuck I need drugs, dude

And nobody has drugs except I didn't know anybody with drugs. This is Vegas. This is here in LA Way back when I was just running and gunning And I didn't know anybody that had drugs because like every time you get sober you're like, dude I'm gonna get rid of all the drug dealers names that no drug dealers in my phone And then you're like, oh man, I got I got a couple days off. I got nowhere to be man. I gotta get weird, right? And I'd be like where so I'd be like who's got drugs? I see this hooker. I'm like, okay, man Hooker's know where drugs are, dude And uh, something like she's like, yeah, yeah, I'll get you some drugs. Let me get you some drugs

I'm like, I'm not even sure this is a chick to be honest with you, but I didn't even care at this point You know, it's you know She got a wig on walks like a chick talks like a chick gotta be a chick, right? This is a Hollywood. That's the stroll the whole stroll, you know, and I see her she's like, yeah Look, let's do it. So we go I pull and she runs in she grabs my shit Uh 40 bucks. I got 40 bucks worth and as soon as I pull up I'm like, oh man life is over, dude. I am done, man So they pulled me over. I'm like, oh man, I'm done. I'm never gonna go to Canada. I'm just going through all this stuff

so So uh, they get me out the handcuff me. I'm like great in Hollywood where I like I live for eight three blocks I'm like, I'm fucked man And uh, he's like where's the drugs? I'm like, I don't know and he reaches in he pulls out and dude I'd gotten I'd basically gotten ran by this by this chick or whatever it was For 40 bucks. I got like nothing, right? And I was like, I didn't care at that point because I just wanted to run and gun, right? Run and gun. So he's like he pulls it out. He's like Where's the rest of it? I go, man, that's it and like I made a mistake

I shouldn't even you know the new rules anybody listening if you haven't been to jail never admit to anything They're not your friends, man. You know, they're not your friends. You don't know. What is this? I don't know, dude Where'd you get this? Don't know what you're talking about. Don't know. I didn't know that right? No, nobody So I I I end up uh, so he's like he pulls out he goes, where's the rest of I go that's it? He goes, where's the rest? I go, that's it. He goes, how much did you pay for this? And I go 40 and he looked at it He started laughing and then the chick who just fucked jacked me started laughing Everyone's laughing because I basically gotten taken for the 40 that I paid for like the nothing the nothing of drugs

I'd bought right so then I go to jail and it's my only night. I ever stayed in jail LA county, uh, no, uh, west hollywood Right by omibia. Yeah. No, no, no, no down in boy's town Man, I don't know why they took me there because it was way down the other way But they they took me to the west hollywood Sheriff's jail. Okay, and dude, I don't know what it is But dude, if they know it's your first time in jail only they they try to run some shit on you Dude, they put this homeless dude in it but in two sex shits his pants, dude

They pulled him out said another one in shits his pants, dude They're just so I'm trying, you know So I don't know what I'm getting charged with So I like they're doing my and this is the time I had a super like armenian mohawk And it's like I'm like, what am I getting charged with he's like felony, uh possession. I'm like and I just started I'm like, oh man. I'm never gonna travel anywhere to stand up and to this day. So Uh, like I've been doing this armenian benefit for like 20 years, man It's the armenian bow mail registry, right?

Uh, and the and on the board is garagos the lawyer And like dude, I mean, I'm broke at this time dude. Like I got no money, man And I'm like fuck man. I'm gonna call this dude and just see if I can do a hell mary pass So I call him up. I'm like, hey, he's like, what's up sammy? I go, hey, man, I made some bad decisions and I need some legal Thing and he's like, well, okay. What what do you got? How much cash you got? I'm like, I'm hurt and he's like, okay, just come down So he comes down and goes here. I'm gonna charge you 1500. I'm gonna represent you

And they sent me down and uh, so I'm we're going to this trial, right Dude the police so they do I forget what the what it's called But they basically say they want to all the records on the cop that arrest me, right? Exploration, I don't know what the word is but they call it So I said another trial I show up with my lawyer and dude the the police union rep shows up And goes we're not going to give our records on this on this cop And we want the charges dropped And the charges got dropped because this dude was dirty

So and dude and like if I hadn't done this charity event and got a lawyer that knew how to run this game I would have been effed man, but I got out of it because I did charity work and I never had to and dude I never messed with that shit again, dude But I mean like that's the system man poor people get Fuck dude Yeah Fuck dude that is the worst when you see those lights go you're like, oh man You're saying your mom's gonna find out you're like, hey you get arrested

I learned it the hard way I was I'm Not a cheap person But nobody wants to pay for a lawyer Nobody wants to pay for a lawyer and I'll never forget getting arrested Getting heat the the the other guy got arrested first. So he had a private defender That means you can't have a private defender because it's it's a conflict of interest

So they had to get me a quarter point the lawyer Who was horrible? He was horrible. He was horrible, but I ran with it. I'm like, maybe let's see what happens And my friend and I had a I called everybody told me to call this one guy called him and He wasn't a friend of mine, but we became friends over time and he sat me down the first thing he said is You better open your piggy bank And I go I just started put money in that piggy bank

That piggy bank has been empty For two years and now they finally put money in that piggy bank Like it broke my heart. Oh, yeah, like I got to open it and he's like you got to open it And I go how much and he goes well How much do you want to stay out? How much do you want your freedom? Yeah, you know So I had to take everything I had and

You know, I kept the attorney I had until I could find the better one But the best thing I did was my friend recommended To me with a law clerk of the dean of the law school He goes trust me when I got in trouble Run to mine told me to go meet with him. He'll simplify for you in one conversation I think the guy want like three grand. Oh man for half hours. Oh my god, man. That is cash, dude I was like Broken, but I go, you know what? I'm gonna cancel it. I'm not gonna pay him $2,500 or whatever. I'm gonna call my mother's attorney

Sam DeLuca this guy was a savage. You ready for this. Yeah I called him on my same thing you did Joey Diaz is DeNora's son. Bye. Bye. Bye. He goes. All right. He goes. I want 30 just to get on the plane It was 1987 guys And this guy just wanted 30 to get on the plane 30 grand 30 grand Oh my god just to go on the plane So I knew already but I like that I was like, let me call you back in the park

I was like 30 grand just for a plane ride What am I gonna do about this trial? What am I gonna do? Once I went to see the law clerk I Told me exactly what to do the steps, you know, he goes I would take your case But as soon as I walk in there with you, they're gonna give you 10 years He goes you're in the land. What are you doing? You're in Rome doing room. He goes you bring some fucking Jew attorney in here slick they're gonna throw the book at you

They don't want to see a slick Jew in here. They don't want to see like a slick white guy You got to hire a guy that mirrors them This guy told me that at the time that old law school was Spanish So he like he got interested in me and he's like you want to go to law school and I'm like, fuck you and he's like, I'll hook you up I'm putting the ceo p program. I mean, oh my god. It was crazy. I fell in that Spanish We'll accept you and all this shit So he broke it down from me. He goes this is what he goes listen You could pay all the money in the world. You're still going to do 90 days

He goes, there's no judge that's not gonna sentence you 90 days He goes, I don't care who you walk in there. You're doing at least 90 days I go, what about work release? He goes Oh, I don't think so. He goes that's gonna be fucking tight and I got he gave me a short list of guys and I had to meet with all of them And I can't tell you the number my guy wanted He wanted a piece of piece first up front and then he wanted the back end

Oh my god, I had to give it to him Oh my god, but this white boy went to work jack a back end of what? You have to give him up front and a back end. Yeah, but the back ends like when the movie does want to get points on how much the movie means No, there's no back. What are you talking about? No, back end is what you're giving It's what you're giving so it's 10 just to open up the conversation and I'll let you know when that runs out Yeah, hey, I gotta run it. I'll let you I'll let you know when the 10 runs out And then it was like I was on retainer for a month so from

January or February of 87 till From December of 87 no from January of 87 to August on 87. I think I had to give him two grand a month Something like that calls Paperwork and then I got hip to the thing those calls were costing me 200 hours So I didn't call the worst did not call. I would not call him. I could see my bill went down I'm like oof because every time I call him I fucking complain about something. I just saw a bell across the street on here 250

250 250 250 But this guy was good. He got the job done for me. You got me. Hey man, you pay for what you get He explained it to me. Yeah, what you pay for he told me the steps What he was gonna do like I met with him and then a week later I met with him again. He turned the sheet of paper around he handed it to me. He goes these are the steps And he hooked me up with a prior investigator to counter prior to investigate Counter everything that motherfucker charged me an arm and a leg that was miserable. Oh It was miserable, but that and then the divorce don't even get me started

My divorce was easily 200,000. Oh my god, and 160 that went in credit cards And half of that I paid and half of that I didn't I just ripped up the card and said give me a bad credit school It was horrible. It was a horrible experiment dude the whole legal system Ridiculous dude getting violent legal system. It's so bad, dude. Now. I know how to narrow it down Like now I got everything ready. I don't know ideas. Do you know that I am like 17 and 3 in traffic court though? Are you? Yeah, dude. I represent myself all the time and you beat him, dude I'd be I'd be the red light camera one time, dude. I beat this dude. I fight it tooth and nail I show up in a suit. I cross-examined the cops man. I one time

What's it called when you call in a witness? I subpoenaed my girlfriend one time I subpoenaed her to come in and as a witness I cross-examined her I I set these cops up dog. I set them up. I get them going one way and then boom. I proved they're liars Dude and the judges get so pissed man They get so pissed man one chick was like, okay sit down and then she went the whole day With all of her cases She went the whole day and then she pulled me up at the end and she's basically like dude I want to find you guilty because you're an asshole. Okay, but I'm gonna let you go because in the eyes of justice

You weren't you didn't break the law you did what you had to do And I cross dude this cop stayed the whole time just mean mugging me like watching what was gonna happen because I lit them up, dude I set them up. I'm like, how's traffic going? I went to the board which had all the intersections and I go explain traffic Was it free-flown wasn't free-flown? I took pictures of it. So I caught them lying on that part, dude Always the only time I didn't win in a cross-examination Was when the cop lied their cops straight up lied and I and I lost I go, okay, man Well, you know what? I can't I can't win if you're not gonna tell the truth. That's it, dude 17 and 3

That's a lot of traffic tickets dude because I used to have a red car and they pull that thing over all the time Really? Yeah, dude red cars get pulled over all the time But I didn't know if you had a all the time dude. That's why I hear black people complain about cops I'm like, dude. Have you been pulled over 20 times because I have Oh, dude, I used to do a joke about I get like a 300-dollar ticket and thank the cops you ever done that You get like a 300 ticket. You're like, thank you. You're like, dude. That's like saying thank you I've got prison rape, dude. The worst ticket I ever got was September 14th

2000 three days after 9-11 or 2001 was 9-11 Three days after 9-11. You ready for this one? I made a left turn On curse on you know what curse on this yeah 11 right yeah, yeah You don't even gonna believe this this could only happen. Uncle Joey. Where were you on Santa Monica or I was on I was on how a sunset boulevard. I mean left on curse on yeah holding to the 7-11. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah hold in legit The whole thing. Yeah, I'm sitting. I know exactly what you're talking. What happened was a car Left his tires like there was four cars. Yeah

so there's three four And this is the handicap spot. So This guy parked here. This guy parked in this lane. This guy parked here. This guy parked here And my car was on the handicap spot. Oh, that's the worst I was standing in front of 7-11 and I saw the cop go by and actually make a u-turn and pulled in And got out of this car and said whose car is this and I go mine

He goes, I'm making your license and registration. I go the car is not stolen because I didn't say that Uh, the worst to $450 ticket Did handicap jesus called the cop? I'm soon. He was parked in the handicap spot. No, no, no, no, no So I think I did something I forget what I did something creepy. I got out of it I got I took a picture or something like I took pictures something happened Where I was like bro. Look at the cars That the parking handicap parking is still

It's still open or something like that. Yeah, I was with ran. Yeah You ran because we all lived by curse on we all live remember Ralphie. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah So the guy I was with lived in Ralphie's building And he went over and got a camera and ran back while the cop was giving me the ticket And took the pictures And then I took at the court and beat him. Yeah, dude one time I was Driving down I forget the name of the fucking street

It's got a post office on it by hollywood also There's a 7-11 on that corner down the corner was that bar That used to serve the fucking it doesn't matter sacred heart school. Yes, you know what sacred heart school is. Yes We're packing out goes to yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah down that block. There's a post office. There's a school God there's something else on that block one. I'm going down that block And a friend of mine and I make a left a right To go to gower I'm going to gower studios. Okay. I make a right. I I'm on fountain

Maybe and as I make the right on fountain when I stop at the stop line My phone rings. I swear to god. I look down at the phone like this. I'm gonna look up A motorcycle cop comes right across and he goes pull over And he gave me a ticket for being on the phone. I go unbelievable. He goes. I just saw you look at I go I looked at it because my friend called but I didn't pick it up. Yeah, still he gave me a ticket That was the worst out of all the tickets because I went down there. I tried to argue it. They said no But they were like, come here listen

Just pay to find but that that's not what pissed me off I had to do like this traffic school. Yeah, like one point and then they took it They took the point back when my license is clean Well pissed me off the most about this at that time was I didn't have a california license Do you know that? Yeah, I had a colorado license. I never decided to switch it Okay, I never switched it over Like I was like one man who cares about me. Yeah like

I wasn't paying that no nothing about nothing I went down there and when I went down and they said, okay, mr. D has guilty blah blah blah whatever shit They basically told me like Listen, we gave you That's that's what I pleaded to They're not having a ticket a license. Oh, yeah So I thought I thought they would say bring the license

And it gets taken off They were like, listen You could pay 200 and come back with your license You could pay 325 and not come back at all We don't give a really give a fuck if you get a license or not. They pretty much told me that I was like take the 320. Yeah, dude. I'm taking my driving test. Never see you guys again. No, I came to 325 I was first off. They go. Have you been the quiet? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah First of they go who speaks Spanish and who doesn't have to fucking court gets up and they put you on the other side

Have you been through that? Yeah, dude. People show up in their pajamas. I'm crazy. Dude. People just like shit for court I have been in court, New York, Colorado, New Jersey I've never seen court crazy like california dude long beach ever been the long beach court, dude That's shady as shit chicks with fucking neck tattoos looking like they're about to shang somebody for child support It's shady as shit out in long beach long beach is the best city. It's like la adjacent Like the real people you like a real audience you play the long beach laugh factor ton of fun Man, but that court is shady as shit, dude Shady as shit prison tats face tats

Up to no good. Listen, you don't want to be in prison today. No way, dude. Today is not We're not in the today is not a good when I went when I got locked up was 30 years ago That's a complete people were smoking still you could wear your own clothes inside You know hiv was the big thing, you know That was the biggest fear inside that If people want me to tell you that it was like them. It wasn't at all It wasn't at all sad Like I said, I was unhappy for two weeks because I was

What do you call that when you're getting off powder and oh you're uh, you're yeah detoxing. I was detoxing I was detoxing in there the first two weeks. I'd never You know, I've been smoking dope since 78 yeah, it was 88 back when it's clean dope, too It was it was 88 and I went cold turkey, you know I'd have been doing powder since 79 straight There was never like the biggest fear I had about getting locked up was

stopping two tuluts That was the biggest fear I had as far as physical fear and that stuff. I had no fear at all And now it's got fentanyl in it, dude It's got all sorts of you don't know what you're snorting, dude Drug dealers have to be the worst business people ever, right? Because they're the only ones who sell their customers crap It like ruins your business model like they're never going to come back to you, dude And now it's fentanyl stuff. So dude, what's really crazy is back in the obama administration

Obama gave the long beach Port to china just gave it to china china was running a long beach port And that's where all the shit was coming through, dude And that as much as people hate Donald trump won the good things that he did is he took that port back He goes, uh, uh, you ain't run this port no more. This is the american port Where we're running the port now a lot of dark stuff was coming coming through that long beach port in particular fentanyl Fentanyl was like made at mit some chinese do grabbed it took it back to china and they've been shipping it over here Because that is their uh, their, uh counter to the, uh

British india opium wars of a long time ago You know why in china if you get caught drug dealing It's the death penalty because of the opium wars Because back in the day these like these british families were just like getting the whole entire population of of china hooked on heroin And then the the emperor at one point made it illegal to sell drugs and it was a giant war and that's it and dude I mean, dude, if you knew all the stuff that we did to get opium man, vietnam was not about communism It was about the golden triangle dude their their opium fields and that's the same thing afghanistan was about

The taliban were burning down the opium fields And these these pharmaceutical companies couldn't have that so we had to go in the war man Why did we go into afghanistan when it was 19 saudi arabians? Because we had to take control of those opium fields And you can see pictures of military people guarding those opium fields and you could say whatever you want about trump again He's trying to get the hell out of afghanistan, dude That is just sucking our money up man trying to get out of there So he makes these deals with the taliban just let us get out

Don't attack us and when you put that clause in there, of course somebody's gonna attack and it's not probably gonna be a taliban Why do they want to attack us when they want us gone? We're we're saying we're leaving Why are you tagging us? It's not them. It's people who don't want to run there I thought i ran wasn't gonna kill us because we We we killed that dude. You want to hear some crazy shit, dude There's a belief that i ran and trump worked together to take out that salomon because that salomon was getting too powerful He's getting too popular and too powerful

So they set him up and trump did a did a favor to i ran by taking that dude out And that's kind of stopped world war three I'm telling you man. I listen dude. I am of no party brother. I'm on the party of humanity I'm all about people but there's something Trump is different than the other dudes and I don't know what it is. I'm not saying he's a good guy I think he's a crime boss And it's there's no good guys. They're back. They're just crime bosses and his crime organization Is taken over washington dc and he kicked out this other cabal

Like uh the george bush cabal which was george bush Clintons and the obamas kicked them out and they want back in because they want the purse strings And I think that's really what's going on here. Trump isn't trump. I'm not saying trump's a great guy He does some shady shit man, but you know like mo and tell me if i'm wrong But most crime bosses want a clean neighborhood, right? They run crime, but they want organization. They want clean. They want business to be done And they don't want anyone to disrupt that. That's why I think trump is And he's going he's banging with this hillary who's a shady as shit motherfucker, man

How's this bitch getting like docu series and podcast like she she's like a comic dude. She's getting all this shit Like she's doing a pot. Who's gonna listen to hillary clinton podcast a lot of people I dude and please let me know if you do so I can block you out of my life A lot of people more people that will listen to you and me brother. No, I can't believe that We got Stockholm syndrome in this country We're living in mild communism. We don't even see it. We don't even see it and that's the difference between us and russia They know they're under that control. They know they're under it. We act last night. I went to I went to communism port number one with my wife A couple dates nights ago. I went to communism port number one with my wife starbucks

And I went to starbucks went to dinner. It was date night. I took out the dinner went I'm only gonna start. Let's get a coffee. Let's go get a coffee. We ain't got a coffee And we went starbucks and we were dealing with possibly The dumbest person the kids are getting dumb dude the dumbest person I haven't met in my life. So He would yell the coffee before he would start making it So I'm sitting there with my wife waiting for my coffee. He's like joey flat white and I get up and I go, where's the coffee? Oh, I'm gonna start making it. Why'd you yell my name? You know what I'm saying? Like what?

My wife looked at me like just I wasn't even mad. I said something to her like don't even get don't take it personal Don't even take it personal because they just they this is mild communism Yeah, they're trying to living in mild communism if you don't know that You're you're out of your mind between the cameras the phones The lines that they make a stand then on purpose You know

Five hours to vote. When has that ever happened in your life, dude? That's that's mild communism That's mild communism. Yeah, that's why I don't like when you go to austin now We have to eat the barbecue. I ain't standing on line. Yeah, I'm with you, dude I'm not standing on line. I don't ever do lines and I'm not paying for me outside cocaine lines I never did lines me neither. I don't do lines. I don't get it. I mean I drive We gotta do a line that ain't gonna happen. Yeah, dude I don't stand on line the taco can't be that good You ever walked drive down like sunset or hollywood and you see this line out this out this nightclub

And it's all these hot chicks and they're wait. Why are you waiting in line? You're why people are going to the club. You can go hang out and hang out in the laundry mat That place will be jumping if there's a bunch of hot chicks in like mini skirt. I don't get I don't want get I'd say it's like it's like 12 30 at night the bar's closed At last calls at 1 30 and you're still waiting in line. Like what are you doing? What about the people that wait in line for breakfast at this skill? I'll fight everyone skill it across right on uh, what's the name I play the skill That people still wait online on sunset

Last time I had to go for blood test. I drove by there and that was like 9 On uh, uh sunset. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah every in and out Huh? Oh, yeah in and out We're Mexican high school kids go before in and out dude I mean dude, it's I like oh, how about that hot dog place, man? It's a great hot dog, but you see people like lying out the door On uh, I don't want to say the name, but it's like the pinks man. It's a great hot. Oh, that's a terrible hot dog That's the worst hot dog. You'll ever eat in your life

I went there one time in 98 and threw it away Like the one time I had a taco bell commercial money And I took like it was like me and two of my buddies Who went down and I was like and they're white kids. They're from Idaho or some shit. They were eating stuff. I'm like How can you eat this? Yeah, the bun was terrible The dog is dry and shit terrible Everything I mean the food the fries are bad Everything was bad. Everything was bad. Then when it is good you walk out like I remember there was a place on

Hollywood Boulevard that cooked the hot dogs and beer And they gave that big french fries With this cream all the way They had like bigger fries the most you know how l.a. You have yeah, yeah me fries. Yeah, they're all mcdonald fries This place had a steak fry But just a little smaller and they were cut with a knife and big and they were fresh you throw them right in in front of you You know and cook them and then he'd give you like this little sauce and you dip the French fries in while you were eating the hot dog and they got fresh squeezed lemonade. Oh, but

The combo Is $12 I didn't know if I left there to my wife was like, it's a good hot dog, but we spent Yeah, $42. Oh my dude. It's ridiculous. You're like, you know what you're making a good point there We are spent that's crazy. I could get 20 hot Down the seaside I get 20 hot 20 bucks for 40 bucks like I think there was a place I went to seaside park one time last time it was a seaside park There was a guy on the corner that gave you 10 hot dogs for $20

I bought them all And I ate them all You stood right there And kept eating hot dogs kind of them nice 10 hot dogs For $20 these motherfuckers don't know this town. They just make up numbers. See what we'll pay. They don't know They don't know so it just doesn't matter at all Sammy trips, man, you've come along with it. You're a father now. Yeah, I'm a dad. Shout out to the mother of the children Martha

She wanted me to say nice things. She's like you better say nice things about me I'm like, I have nothing but love for you and I appreciate the field trip. I love it It's it's a giant change in my life and it's the best blessing ever And when people say that when you don't kid you hear people say that you're like, whatever. No, it really is it has allowed me to change the way I operate And uh, I I work smart not hard now. I have to work smart. I mean, I've always hustled But now I have to pick and choose where I hustle how I hustle and it's a blessing dude

And we got a nice little house and you know the baby's mama the mother of the child Is a wonderful person Martha and she's it's great, dude. I love my kids ghost and ninja, dude ghost and ninja How old are they now? They are one month two days How does it feel to you walking around just feel like you're walking on I just float and do now there's a couple moments when they're crying and you want to go to sleep But even then it's like it's impossible to get mad at them. You know, you're just like, oh, okay, okay We're okay. You just and you know, there's times I can get You get no sleep when people tell you no sleep. It's no sleep, dude those babies

But now we're starting to enter a nice little pace or sleeping the longer like dude Like recently I got four hours man. That's some terry shyvo shit right there They all love it, dude. They all love it. They're coming to visit. Yeah, they you know They have they have to get off from work, but they're all coming my brother's super excited My brother will run strip bars my brother flips strip bars and he's like now they have nieces I kind of don't want to be here anymore and so he's gonna come out. We're very excited Martha's mom came out She's wonderful stance is wonderful and uh, you know for every one kid you have to have two An extra adult so if you have one kid you have two adults if you have two kids you need three adults

So you gotta have like a rotation eight hour shifts man just to get done But they're great. The mom's just pumping milk. She's a milk machine milk machine got Sammy Jesus, what did you do to deserve this? I don't even know dude because she doesn't have twins in her family I don't have twins in my family like I sit here. I always know I was gonna have girls Why would God give you and I? Me you rogan like there's a whole bunch of people with girls and you have to change you have to change the way you think Change the way you act as you could tell look who my boss is She told me

Today she was coming here like I'm coming with you She bother anybody no dude your kid She just wants to be beautiful close and this is what you need to do I took it to the movies this morning. I took it to see uh, I took it to ice skating You know and it's so weird how I still remember me getting I could honestly say this I still remember calling Ralphie I'm going once a story. We're getting high or one. He's like man. I'm over here with the kids I have to see you later me hanging up like what a fool

You know and now I feel like I owe him an apology because it's like I can't even explain to you. I love when people hit me up. Hey Come to the west side. I got a podcast studio. You're in no danger. That's an hour. Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude That's an hour and then I'm gonna be there for 10 minutes 20. That's another hour and a half Then I got to drive back. Yeah, I got till 230. Yeah I got till 230. Yeah, so I really can't that's three hours. You're in burbank Elysian park is the farthest I'll go for a podcast. You know, maybe tom sagura up here uh, and the other guy, uh

Rogan, right pressure. No the other guy He was just here sickler sickler. Oh sicklers because they're close by. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I can't go to marina del Rey for you. I love the valley by the way. I was uh, hollywood forever I love the valley. Are you in the valley now? Yeah, dude valley village, brother. Okay. So you're gonna hop skipping a jump I love it man. When I first moved from hollywood. I told my wife don't expect me to do anything up here I'm in the first two nights. I couldn't sleep Because it was so quiet It was like completely different from when I was used to the noise and the yelling and screaming and hollywood all night

I lived right there on schrader You know, that's where it was dead. It was cracked then. Yeah when I moved in there in the corner They were selling crack In hollywood 98. They were selling crack on all those streets by the by the man's chinese theater All you had to do is walked up. That's orange. Yeah, so all you had to do is walk to uh, uh, Selma Yeah, dude Selma if you just walked off hollywood boulevard by the by the man's chinese theater walked

Down a block There'd be three guys there selling crack. I smoked crack with that guy that's silver robot guy I smoked crack for six weeks. Yeah Dude, the whole time you smoke crack all your thing is like fuck. I'm smoking crack, dude I'm smoking crack You don't even have a pipe. I wouldn't commit. It's the worst dude. We commit I did not commit that started because I used to drive on that street And I would see those streets skinny black guys sit out there all night

And finally one night I said, bro, what's up? And he goes, what's up? What's up? What's up? I don't know. What's up? You holding? What do you got 20 yet? Took a 20 home with me. I remember like this is how naive I was to crack I cut it and I snorted it and I'm like nothing happened It's not like cheese and I told my friend the next day. I went over to that corner. He was that's not cope That's crack stupid So I go really so I went over there again the next day and bought some more and this time went and brought a can of Mother actually said what's that smell?

And I'm like I got this new reefer and I'm in there I would have to smoke the reefer and the crack at the same time So I smoked crack for about six weeks. Oh man six weeks. I was hooked line and sink I would go home get a can of coke Empty it dry it out with a blow dryer and then make a little holes And use the liner and that would go downstairs Cracked out You know the crack dealer hates the math dealer, dude crack dealers hate when you discover math

That's what somebody told me. I because I go to these meetings all the time. You hear these stories They're like dude crack dealer hates math dealer, dude So I did crack until I ran out of it and El Paso I went to El Paso for a week and there was I couldn't get crack. I could only get the real stuff. Yeah God it was everywhere. The real stuff is everywhere. Oh El Paso, but nobody was cracking it up. Now. I don't have to crack it up with a microwave oven I know exactly how to might crack it up. Oh really? Yeah, three fingers of water coffee cup coffee cup three fingers of water

a gram of powder and Two what do you just pour the powder right in right in you pour the baking soda in first Two tints of baking soda and then a gram of powder Putting the microwave oven for 20 seconds You take it out you pour it upside down you get a black handkerchief. That's a little rock Cut it up. You take those little rocks don't cut them up And you take a number. Oh, dude, and you roll it in the number With dude or you take that you put it in your cigarette

He just put it right outside and you end up like that black dude that got beat up in new york Man, what did I do? What did I do? He kept that you see that video? No the poor black guy a couple weeks ago got beat up smoking a number The cops came and they asked them what it was going to detective held them. And all of a sudden. Oh, yeah Yeah, you see cop cars flying by and all of a sudden poor black guy He didn't do none. Next thing they had eight cops on top. Well that dude got beat ended up getting beat up. Yeah But what did he actually do smoke the joint in new york? Unbelievable man held him like he was a gangster like he had killed eight kids

You took the guy killed eight kids the cops ran up them like Where's these cops study? Who raised these cops? I've got cops in my family, dude. You know, it's just like I have cops in my family also But there's a limit. Yeah, it's common sense, dude When I walk past you and I smell pot, I'm like you keep walking I'm like the cop in the town and when they got out with the machine guns and the cop was in the construction site And you seen him and he just turned his head like I didn't see nothing. That's me. Just mind your business. Yeah, it's marijuana

Whether it's legal. It's not legal. Look at your look at your job description. See if you have time Dianne I was I was in hollywood. Oh, yeah, that wasn't joe's pizza Dianne I went to joe's pizza on the way home. I love joe's pizza. Hey, dude I was at joe's pizza. They show me a picture of you You were just there and then we went in and we got pizza too this last week. Yeah, dude This let yeah, I got the the the grandma. It's the best pizza, dude. Oh my god. It's 12 o'clock when you're leaving the store I could eat that Oh, I live that's my tuesday. Yeah

That's my tuesday all day. I get up tuesday morning in box I love it, dude. I'm taking croff maga brother. Shout out to the jews, dude I do that jew fighting dog. I could I go to I go to boxing class on tuesdays That's why tuesday is my longest day It starts at nine podcast in the afternoon podcast heard four Then two shows on a tuesday. Oh my I gotta listen to her podcast. No, I don't put it up We just keep it on we keep it ourselves until she gets that thing, but she's good now. She's really good now She's gold three pages

It's three pages every week. It's a different animal A couple weeks ago. We didn't experiment with oxygen We do a little experiment. Oh, that's so cool, man. I give it 10 bucks a week. She gets 40 a month She's making money out pockets have more than half the people making she has to put 20 in the bank and keep 20 That's great, dude. Today yesterday. She went to the book farm and she bought her own books or whatever She bought her own books and then she had six bucks left. My wife was like, you want to buy any more books? Like, nope I work too hard. I gotta save this cash. Yeah, so you want to buy a book for your teachers? I'm really

Yeah, they don't they don't but it's uh, It's really weird when you have a child And you and people don't really get it and I don't have you know, people just call me like, what can we do lunch because It's not possible, dude. We don't do lunch. We do lunch on the move Because I'm moving I know I gotta go over there. I'll eat over there if I have time and I'll remember to call you But when I'm moving I don't have time for lunch. Who has time for lunch? I don't have time to meet you in Burbank for a state for lunch. I don't know what time and be be hungry

I eat lunch when it's a quarter. Yeah, I haven't eaten lunch today. I eat breakfast I haven't eaten lunch today when it's accordingly when you have a when you've got a chance You know, you want if you want to meet me for breakfast and you have an envelope Like if there's an envelope, yeah, dude, like this is a plan to make money I'll meet you and then you got to bring some with you You can't just leave it at home. No shit. I'm to the meeting with you and I'll take the get it my day starts I got from nine to two thirty And I got a right night. I got to put I got an hour goal in there

So somewhere in there. I got a right you figure four days. I got to do an hour or some type of workout I got a cryo. I got to do something with there's no time. So you I mean you're talking writing jokes and stuff like that You sit down, right? Yeah, I go to coffee shop bringing the computer and an notebook So I'm writing the one-man show I'm looking at the book And I'm writing jokes at the same time, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, and then I have a section for jokes and I clean them out Clean them out put this with this, you know, I have two specials. I have two pockets of material right now

And I just borrowed jokes from each hour It's like I have two hours and I just yeah for mingle jokes every night I don't have a special, you know, what am I gonna do? So I gotta put the cd out pretty soon That's no miss you special shoot your own special I don't have the mode And for what? For what? What is the value of a special? Yeah, dude. I've been thinking about that too. What is the value of a special?

We've kind of gotten into this arms race thing. Yeah, we've gotten out of control It's to the point where you can't wait to shoot a special, but you know what you're not prepared to shoot a special Okay, it's like every two years two and a half years Distant of these people doing they're doing it and I wish them well and I'm happy for them I might just put out half an hour, dude. I'm gonna put out a 20 minute one dude. There's nothing That's what dude Richard prior put out half an hour I love rogan

But I think he's got a saw like in his arms race because he works at a different level man And like my friend sam marrell, he just put out a special on comedy central Nobody he you know, he couldn't get any offers comedy central put out for him A million views a million people watch it. God bless that man, dude But he I text him like congratulations. Like, yeah, I know I'm just worried about the next one I'm like worried about the next dude. Enjoy this victory, brother. That's what the problem is We have gotten out of whack with comedy dude. It's just his arm race. I gotta tell you something honest to god I'm happy

Yeah, I'm sorry that some people have to lose their lives. Yeah, you know I'm gonna have to fly I can risk it. I'm an older guy I have pre-existing conditions, you know, I smoked for the last 30 years. Yeah 22 bong hits a day but Something needed to stop this thing slow it down and joy slow it down Enjoy Somewhere we lost what this was all about Somewhere we're out lost. We really did lose

We're out lost. Dude, they're like, dude, if I want to I got out of a Common I got in the comedy so I didn't do nine to five. Nobody told me I was gonna have a 24 seven. Yeah Breathe brother. I'm done. I can anybody who knows who knows I've been done for about six months I've been just waiting Just breathe breathing You know, when I tell my because my age don't tell me what I don't want to do. I tell them what I want to do You know, I see a purpose for a lot of things, but I I don't see a purpose for a lot of things in comedy

We all forgot what we got into this for It's it's just gotten You know me after I shot the netflix special It all fucking came to me everything mitzsche sure said to me all those nights and I used to host All those little things she said to me it all got clarified And that's why I've been on that tear for the last two or two and a half years having on that tear I don't listen to nobody. I don't want to know what you do

This was not the way we were doing it when I moved here only you're doing it this way And guess what you're making a lot of money But you're wrong because you're forgetting. This isn't a fucking race Starms race now This is a marathon Why are you doing all this right now? It's amazing what happens when this slows down? What are you gonna do with and they have so much money, man, and it's like what's enough it's it's uh Like that guy the the wolf of wall street

Greed is no good. I actually is good. I agree. You know, I'm kind of happy except for the deaths I'm kind of happy what this virus has caused slow it down slow it down. I know i'm done I know i'm done stay home watch netflix. You know look at my thing my flyer. It's just called tour Stop with the tour. Stop what the fucking Tour I just want to do spots. I just want to tell you 56 the slinging dick is over like There's a couple venues I have that still have the poster up They're still using it because the agents don't send out the new stuff and stuff like that It's just it touches me doing spots

And guess what i'm gonna be the best I can be New material from the last time you saw me. I'm not gonna ram a t-shirt down your throat afterwards Do we take pictures now? I mean, I don't know what we could do anymore Can't now You don't want to take a picture with nobody now. I mean, who do what who the fuck we want to take? I don't want to take a picture with a fat fuck That's in his mid fifties. It just flew five and a half hours on a plane You're the last guy somebody came over the house the other night and when we're talking she goes

I just went to disneyland asked my wife Right in front of I went and got the lights though Right in front of I went and got the lights. So she's like, oh my god. I feel so offended. I go. I'm sorry You went to disneyland knowing Knowing that this is living in artist county and you work with kids You you're in the you're in the business of putting kids at risk because you wanted to go to disneyland I don't want to talk to nobody who's going to disneyland right now Somebody tells me I just went to a concert out out. I don't want you in my house. I don't want you nowhere close to me

Seriously, I don't even want to be out. You will not see me for weeks You will not see me for weeks. I've got those dates I'll take them if the if whatever if if you know, you're allowed to But if they're long, I doubt I'm gonna send a plane until we get this thing cured Until we get something on this. I don't care if it's chinese putting the whammy on it I don't care if it's iran japan Cuba ran japan. It don't matter who the hell is You won't see uncle joey. No wrong dad, dude

No, you're not gonna see me. So So you did the the one you did the show on the 10th at the comic store. What is your next show? The next one is the 24th 24th 24th. Yes, dude 24 shady Who knows man? I'm trying to put together the best lineups. No, but it doesn't matter I don't need like to have quotas or weaponized diversity. I just want killers to kill It's all about killing kill and like my you don't have like diversity We don't we don't need I don't give a fuck and dude I don't I don't do a lot of time because it's all about just keeping the train on the track

And just letting people a great show Let the killers kill why bringing four killers If you're gonna go up then do 20 minutes in between and the show's gonna run late And then I gotta get in the car. Well, I think I don't do 10 30 shows Yeah, I think you can't get me to do 10 I try dude because you're gonna go over And then you're gonna make those people wait outside at the comedy store for 30 minutes I don't want to get them like that I go to a comedy club and they go run late because I ran late. That's something

But if they run late because the store this the staff can't cover it I don't want my people waiting outside, especially now Especially now with this fucking virus. So Sam, it's a real pleasure. Dude. I love you joey Diaz. I appreciate me. I'm sorry if I weirded everybody up with the kobe shit Hey, listen, man, it's what you fucking do your podcast in the top 40. Yeah, yeah Whatever you're doing is working. God bless you with two little fucking girls beautiful. I love them. It slowed you down which you need to be slowed free and

What comedians if there's somebody who I respect It's you we've been at that store Since we were young kids, you know kids Kids kids, we didn't know what to do and we didn't realize how good we had we didn't realize it and now we're down there and we're men and We realize how good we have it and we act like gentlemen. We are real gentlemen So it's a real pleasure, man. Thank you taking the time out. Thank you now for a word from our sponsors

All right. I want to thank sam. I want to thank the christ killer But most importantly, I want to thank you guys for listening on this beautiful wednesday 18 I'm sorry about the situation But it is what it is. You want the dates? I don't have them like I told you monday refund everything We don't know what's going on But let me give a shout out to our sponsors first off CBD line I wouldn't be here without them. How do I know because they kept me together during a hamstring injury I rub it on my knees. I rub it on my shoulders

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That's zip recruiter.com slash church zip recruiter the smartest way to hire I want to thank zip recruiter. I want to thank cbd lion I want to thank honnet. I want to thank lee. I want to thank sam triply But most importantly, I want to thank you savages for listening for having my back I'm sorry. You're going through what you're going through Couple more days seven more days of quarantine and you'll be honest We'll be back monday morning

Tip top magoo ready to go Have a blessed week. May god bless you guys Stay healthy and i'll be on twitter messing around with you guys. So Hook me up. I love you guys. Have a great weekend. Stay black