Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #771 - Joey Diaz on Keeping Your Head in the Game

Episode Date: March 23, 2020

Joey Diaz talks about what his life has been like after the first week of self quarantine, specifically how hes trying to keep a normal schedule for his daughter. Joey also talks about how this is a tough time for a lot of people, and how it would be easy to let this depress you. Instead, its important to focus, work on yourself, and be prepared for when this is over.  This podcast is brought to you by: MeUndies - Go to Meundies.com/JOEY and get 15% off of your first purchase and FREE shipping.  CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   

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It's a whole new fucking day corona Time to suck my dick The church is here. Fuck suckers Myself The Christ killer and myself. I don't want to fuck it bring it in or give it out What's happening you bad motherfuckers, I know it's been a rough week for a lot of you guys and my heart goes out to you It's been a rollercoaster of emotion because nobody knows What the fuck is really going on all I know is I think Jews are spreading it because

Yesterday, it's fucking Saturday. I'm walking around. I'm driving around Just to see the climate, you know, I'm living like fucking Mad Max and I see all these fucking Jews walking in clumps down Channel a boulevard. I know there's a temple, but the temple's fucking closed Why are you walking around on Saturday for in clumps a little yarmulke's on and shit like six or seven of them talking about the stock market What the fuck is wrong with you? Listen, we're living in a time now that I know all diehards all diehard motherfuckers I've been in since March 2nd. You think I want to be in some more. Is that what you fucking guys think? Is that what you really think? I don't want to go on to March 2nd But we had to play this hand out. Am I scared? Am I?

Listen, I'm not fucking scared, but I am scared. I'm scared because I have friends I have family members. I myself I'm fucking old And as you could tell I've been smoking weed for fucking 30 40 fucking years So I got the beginnings of eczema whatever the fuck does not eczema Amphysema eczema that's the skin thing that you got all over the fucking place, but I got it too. Don't feel bad I got everything. I got a fucked up toenail. I got everything. What's corona gonna do to you, but The whole fucking thing is you got to be careful. You got to be vigilant

You know all week long Governor Newsom is doing a great job in california. I don't know if you guys know who he is or whatever I usually don't like politicians, but at least he's keeping you informed And he's telling you that you gotta fucking stay in You know, I'm stocked up on everything You know, I got stocked up way before like I was telling Lee for years. I've been telling my wife We live in an earthquake zone. What does that mean? What does that mean that you always got to be prepared for the next day? I got a generator

I bought a generator about two years ago because I got sleep apnea. There's an earthquake. We lose the power And I've always told my wife To buy two of the essentials What's essential screen corn? Just buy two extra cans every week When you're going and buy a jiff peanut butter, whatever the fuck you buy get an extra one Yeah, when you're going and buy soap get an extra soap in my garage. I have it looks like a little supermarket It's professionally like a fucking little thing

And it's peanut butter is imposter's and you think I fucking like rag-goo. No But times like this you need rag-goo. Yeah, you know Little things You know, I don't go to the supermarkets. I don't let my wife go to the supermarkets You know on one hand that telling you social distancing and on the other hand, you're in the supermarket I would only go to the supermarket if I went early in the morning Your odds are less the early of the better because less people have been in there You know, you go to the park any park you go to now

Governor Newsom said yesterday. He hasn't seen so many people out running Everybody's Rocky Bobbo Drive down the street. That's all you see is people running now, especially in California There's a park a couple miles from my house called no old park there. It's on magnolia and fucking The hunger I go there from time to time I smoke a joint outside. I got a little vitamin D. I was even telling Steve Simone For years, I would go over there and swing kettle bells and wait till it gets really hot and I pick a tree with shade

and it's the best workout you could do because You go for a walk to warm up Then you go to your car It's got I think it's two walks around the circle is a mile Wow, so you walk once around the circle Then you go to your car and I would go to a tree that had a shade And I would do kettle bell exercises and fucking You know

Swings and cleans and squats and then I would do like I would just stretch But if it got too hot, I went under the shade what I did the swings. I made sure and did them in the sun So we get my sweat would give me a natural suntan It was fucking tremendous. It's a great park But now you go to this smoke pot. Yeah, people are staying in their social distancing But they're all running in the same direction So if I'm running behind you, even if I'm 10 feet behind you I'm gonna eventually catch what you're breathing

Because this stays in your particles. This stays alive in the air for three hours in your part and The fucking air whatever the fuck so These are the things that we're not doing. We're doing a lot of things, right? A lot of things wrong, you know me. I don't give a fuck. I'm minding my business If you need a fucking coffee from starbucks, go fuck yourself I got coffees from all over the fucking world at my house. Bustelo like yave I got espresso from Italy. I got the fucking kirk machine You know, if you really gonna go to need you need to fucking go at least wear gloves and you get the cup and spray it

Down with lysol. I got mini lysols. I got fucking large lysols Check this shit out No matter where I go, I'll fucking lysol you right in the fucking eye Lysol has become the new mace. You understand me? I mean, so just take care of yourself. You know, it makes me laugh I saw those kids at the beach and shit. Oh my god. They showed that dirty white kid with the pink cheeks You know, we go to school all year. We listen you get these I could tell just by looking at you. You're a d type of motherfucker. You don't deserve nothing

But I gotta tell you something guys. I gotta be honest with you. Who the fuck am I to judge those kids? Who the fuck are you to judge those kids? Every single one of us would have been out when we were 21 right now not giving a fuck I was talking to a dear friend of mine last night. She's like a fucking doctor We were laughing on the phone. I go she goes in these kids. I go knock it off with the fucking kids Knock it off with the kids. You and I both know That when we were 21, we'd be beating the door down at joe mary's right now Snorting the corona virus. We would have been snorting it like can you get in powder form?

You have bring it to us. We want to just snort it. So I don't get mad at those kids I feel bad, you know, that's there for the grace of god go. I you know Uh It's tough to sell it to a kid. It's weird. I hear I hear like be like This there's one comic I know was posted on facebook that her roommate tried to bring a Like a booty call over. She said no like a lot of people like I I assume people can be on tinder and all Everything from what I hear most people aren't really they got off tinder Really? Yeah for right man. You have to just be careful

That's it. That's all they're asking you to do. I left you last fucking week. I came over here with mercy for something Maybe sunday or something. We came over here clean the office We just wanted to take a ride. I wanted to give a mother a break And I told you I went by the federal I mean they're talking about it. The federal was packed. It's a borrow link to shim Across the street from the whatever theater. What's the name of that theater? No, the other one the the portile theater. Oh, it's so funny how they fucking uh It was packed and the thing that killed me the most was there was people with their kids

Sitting in boots And there was a bunch of fingerprints on the glass As soon as I see fingerprints on the glass, I stop eating at your place That's it. It's over. You know Now the stress part of this thing A lot of you guys are fucking stressed out. I know it. I know you're stressed out You're stressed out. You're thinking about what is going to end. Listen, let me give you the best advice I could give you Nobody knows nothing

I got an email this morning from a friend of mine She's closing the gym till the 18th and she feels bad and I you know, we're back and forth. Listen There's nothing you could do till the 8 to the 20th Nothing And don't think like people calling already like hey The 20 listen nothing's going to be the same For a while. This isn't just going to go away on the 18th The reason why they did was was to shut the curve down

So This week right now is going to be crucial this next week. You can't crack this week And the week after that you can't crack the week after that you'll see some daylight Yes, you'll see some daylight What they're doing this for is so look what's happening in Italy And I didn't know I couldn't figure it out Until my wife was talking to me and she goes in Italy all the families live together. It's like new jersey Your grandma lives on the bottom floor

Your mother lives on the medium floor And you and your wife live upstairs and you do everything together You eat together. You have groups together. Look at the fosco family. God bless their soul out of freehold, new jersey Four people died In the family because they kept out. They had a party the other day My heart goes out to them. They're just a family. That's tight. That love's hanging out I was supposed to go home in april for my like a 75th anniversary party. That's cancer. They cancelled it already Canceled that's cancelled because all those weddings and everything have old people

With existing conditions, so The big thing for me that it's shown is like how not in control we are Like we like we act like we're in control of our daily lives Nobody is and this is what we're going to talk about today That you do have that listen they told they broke it down for you So now you got two things to say you got two things to do you could either fucking cry Go into a fucking depression or do something about it. Okay, you got three options You could go into a funk that which leads into a depression

Which leads into sickness and worry and whatever or you could take this by the fucking horns, okay? Listen, man, i'm not gonna lie to you the week before the seventh at ufc when romero I had a nervous breakdown that and I was supposed to go to a dear friend of mine's house to watch the fight And I had like the beginnings of a fucking stroke Okay, I could feel my neck tightening up And I got in my fucking car and I went down there against my belief, you know, because I was scared I was scared to have in contact. There was there was gonna be other people there You know what? I knew that I called them up beforehand

And I said, is any of these people that over your house traveling? And he goes, no, they're all agents from the office. I said fucking i'll come down And I went down there and I for a couple days. I was apprehensive before I had to go to new york I was very scared And then the confusion started, you know, you start hearing about your work getting canceled And you're losing dates and you're losing money. Guess what everybody's gonna lose money Not just you this isn't a plan against you. This isn't fucking somebody deeming you You did not do anything wrong. Lee didn't do anything wrong. I didn't do anything wrong

This happened When things like this happened, you got three fuck a lot. What did I tell you guys last week that I felt like fucking Do you know how I felt? I felt exactly how I felt after my mother died And I felt exactly how I felt after I got a divorce What does that mean? That means a mourning or loss we lost The ability to live the way we have been living for the last 100 years now

If you don't think there's gonna be a fall I love these people that have rescheduled their tours Like you poor people gonna come up with fucking tour money right after this thing is over You guys are gonna get back to work. But for right now, I don't want you to get into a funk Listen, you lost your job. Do me a favor right now. Turn off the fucking podcast. You lose your job You lose your fucking job and you and you are gonna lose your family and your money Before you start panicking get up off your ass Go to the supermarket

And every supermarket in your area is hiring night right now night fucking loaders unloading trucks stocking shelves You can't uber go to the supermarket. I'm telling you right now I'm telling you right now. I stock shelves for years You smoke a joint you put your little fucking mask on and you put your fucking ipod on and you listen to podcasts and music all night The first couple nights you drink mountain dew. You're sleeping the daytime. You get used to it

It's better than dealing with customers. Anyways, yes Listen, it's better than sitting there crying That's my point. It's better than sitting there crying about how you're losing money. Everybody's gonna lose money Everybody's gonna lose money. It's the way life is You know, the road got taken from me that that's a huge But am I do you see me depressed? Do you see me crying? Have I been angry? No, I accepted it because my health your health is more important than a dollar. Listen Unless you're a fucking bum your landlords are not gonna throw you out

Unless you've been a bum for the last year Your landlord is not gonna throw you out if you've paid the rent on time For the whole time you've lived there without any problems. You you got no problems People are gonna be sympathetic. Listen cable tv. There are bunch of scumbags. They're gonna keep sending bills If you can't pay that fucking disconnect Disconnect and go to netflix rate 95 a month. That's it. Yeah, that's it You're gonna have to learn to cut things out of your life That you we were doing that you're gonna see that you can live without

It's like going to weight watches. I always say when you go to weight watches You used to go to the deli. What do you used to do at the deli? You used to get the 12 foot the 12 inch With the two sides the chips and a can of fucking soda But once you go to weight watches you learn that you can live off six inch sandwich one side which is maybe roasted peppers Which isn't gonna fucking kill you and you drink a diet soda

And you got the same fucking meal without the excess that that that's all weight watches teaches you This is what this lifestyle is gonna teach you guys. We've been living fucking heavy for the last year We've been living heavy for the last 10 fucking years 250 for this This guy wants 113 a ticket the lakeers want 145 a ticket This is gonna slow the things to fuck down a little bit You know now you're gonna have to fucking encourage people What do you think happens after this beating that we're about to get the next two months?

We're gonna go out in the streets and jump up and down like it's fucking New Orleans on a fucking whatever. No This is gonna take time to heal You know, i'm concerned with the weight staff at the comedy store. I'm concerned with Friends of mine who I know that a hustling fucking comics that are out there Taking whatever feature act mc work whatever the fuck you got They're gonna be hurting right now and I and I feel for those guys And in time we'll figure out a solution for those guys, especially dear friends of mine You know, but for right now, I want you to eliminate that from your mind

Because that's gonna take you down right there There's nothing you could do And a little bit of money you have right now If you buy a pound of cheese, you better eat that pound of cheese Yeah, if you buy a pound of ham, you better eat that pound of ham if you If you you know, whatever you buy you better it's gotta be worth it It's like if you throw a punch You're going to kill the motherfucking out you ain't going to knock them out of the bitch slap them

It's the same thing with what you're doing in your life now, you know Uh It's a long day I have a child She's going through a hard fucking time, you know Yesterday she had a good day. It's day to day. Does she understand what's happening? She understands and she's a little scared She's a little scared. I took her to the park the other day. It was just her and I playing with the ball

And she's got allergies And she sneezed And then she sneezed again and she came up to me and she goes dad. Do I have the corona virus? Jesus and I go no You have allergies, honey. It's a big difference. But even then I took her to the park at 9 a.m This park is fucking huge guys I didn't take it a no-ho. I took her to this other park for kids up in sherman oaks Usually fucking pretty empty

I found it through a miracle. I didn't want to touch the swings now. I'll have to touch the swings with no metal unless you wipe them down and I took her to this park and me and her we bought we brought a badminton set And we brought a whiff of ball on the bat and we went to the little league field And there was mud there. So I put her outside the cage And I set a little target up, you know for strikes and stuff and we played like a little whatever stick ball Like watery can stick ball like very No running bases. Just, you know

Striking her out and shit throwing curveballs at I'm terrible at it. But the point being Do you know how many people tried to walk in between her and my game after about a half hour For what reason I I was seven feet from her And people were trying and I and I look at people And you know, and it was all you could see the people or not

They weren't five beta capers You know, this white chick with like an immigrant came he was just excited to be with her So he didn't give a fuck. He knows they can't make him they take him back to iraq. I ran if you know If he stands next to his white chick, they can't take him back So he was standing his clothes and he had a look of A fucking fear in his eyes like immigration was gonna come get him It was hilarious and they kept walking and finally a guy walked Did I tell you

I I looked at a guy with his two kids and his wife and his parents They were walking the path and I'm in the middle of the park with my daughter playing with football It's about 9 30 quarter to 10 in the morning. I swear to glee. This is thursday All right. Now thursday is quarantines. They're still I haven't seen you all week. No, okay, so It's thursday The whole world knows about the corona virus. It's instilled in your brain You're not gonna believe this when I tell you guys. This is the funniest thing that happened to me I'm throwing wolf of walls

And I see this family walking Now at this time Uh You know, no matter what's going on I don't want you to look at people and think oh, he's got the corona virus humanity is still number one I want you to say hello. I want you to smile at people Because believe me a wink is as good as a nod to a blind horse There's a lot of people walking around that need hugs right now. Trust me. I'm I needed a couple hugs a couple weeks ago

Uh, you know the quarantine and they take your restaurants from me. I can't go to sushi You can't fucking take sushi to go. It's like taste eating ass. You ever take sushi to go? No, it's it's melting and shit It's like fucking ice cream. I don't know what happens to the rice melts They throw like voodoo japanese voodoo or something on the rice You know, it's bad enough for quarantine. We can't go to our favorite restaurants or whatever all that shit, but You gotta smile. You gotta be optimistic. You gotta You know, you do the best of what you can't You're the park. I'm in the fucking park minding my own business

I'm throwing and I'm you know as people walk by or kids on the bicycle now. They're all 40 50 feet from me So I'm good. I got lights all wipes You know, if you've noticed I wear different hoodies every day every time I go home. I watch the hoodie Anything I wear does not go into the house It goes into a hamper and I change right in the garage And we throw the clothes into the fucking thing Which we're working it straight up

So I'm playing with the ball and I see this family not the whole morning I'm saying hello. Good morning How are you? I'm smiling at people. I'm winking at people. They're winking back Finally this family like a wife of mom, you know a husband a wife a couple kids and their grandparents And their parents, let's just say the the couple's parents are walking And the guy makes eye contact with me and I go good morning. Hi And my daughter says something and they kind of giggle. They're like, oh, how cute. Look at these playing with the ball

And the guy I hear the guy go to the wife Hey That's Joey Diaz And I keep throwing and I and I feel Scratch And I look and the guy's walking towards me. He comes up Lee 20 feet and he goes I don't want any problems. I just want to shake your hand. I go. No

No He looked at me like his little heart broke and I go, what the fuck is wrong with you Can't be shaking hands or nothing. Go. Come on. You know, I love you. Have a good day His little heart broke But he walked up to me. He goes. I just want to shake your hand. I go What news have you been fucking watching? Go No

And I felt so but even mercy looked at me like Is that guy is there something wrong with him dad? I go, I don't know mercy When a seven-year-old questions an adult's fucking thinking That's when you know, you have a fucking problem. Oh my god. So here's the thing guys I'm gonna give you the fucking situation because I thought about it the other day before I got into this with you guys You the reason why I'm doing so well throughout this whole thing Even though I'm getting my head handed to me and everything else is because I've been to prison It's like gay guys. You think gay guys are at home scared. Are you fucking kidding me?

Gay guys don't give a fuck. They already went through the hives and herpes They got sore throats every day gay people, you know, they don't give a fuck There's a gay bar that was still open. They had a fucking ticket. Yeah, they had to ticket them The other day gays don't give a fuck They're not they canceled the parade that you fucked with their year already You fucked up their year already They've been having him for years the corona. They just not at it's just a sore throat Who needs your lungs anyway? You know what I'm saying? We do what we do

but Prisoners is it teaches you how to Kill time in your mind and not not to be bored And for the first couple days I was running up around with a chicken without a head, you know But I went back to my prison days And you have to use what you have And you have to schedule it. You're still living on a schedule The tv is not allowed to go on in my house

To five o'clock Wow There's no tv a lot I don't want that playing in the morning going into your psyche Making it worse than what it is So there's no morning news. There's no nothing If there's an earthquake, you'll feel it As we before I went to bed last night. There was a corona virus. It's all I know

The only reason why I don't even turn on the real news at five But the tv is not allowed until five me and my wife made a rule for all three of us Wow, all right, no tv till five which really means six Because I watch the six o'clock news and then I watch world news tonight And by seven I'm shitting pickles already now. I'm scared all over again So what you need to do is is is is just You got to break up your day And like, you know, uh, divorces are going up. They're gonna go up after this

You have to Give people their personal space I can tell my wife is starting to lose in some aspects, you know, but I'm also been giving her my personal space We don't have a big house, but I was sitting that office entertained I have a lot of work to do in that office So this week, what did I do? I wanted to start my mind off on the right thing So before I even wrote in the journal I read a chapter in the art of war again

Every day again, I read that book how many times But let's stay the truth, you know, let's talk about resistance again And let's talk about all those things because right now you're not looking at this as a break You're looking at this as an opportunity to heal and go out there stronger Heal and go out there fucking stronger You know, I've thought about this for the last since March 2nd. I've been thinking about this. What's next? Who knows? What's this? Listen?

Forget about all that when your Construction site is going to open again. Whatever the fuck you're doing is going to open They'll contact you you open until then there's nothing you could do There's no sense of calling them up and driving them crazy and And I know we all got bills and everything but it looks like it's time You're going to get on the call on the phone and make deals with people With your car payment people let them know what's going on Just let everybody around you know what's going on

Just sit down one day for three hours and call everybody and say look I figured out my budget and what I could do and it's sending you 280. I could send you 140 Ain't nobody gonna say no to you At this time right now ain't nobody gonna say no to you guys trust what I'm telling you You're giving them a little something You're giving them a little something, you know If you can't pay the rent, but you give them a quarter it's better than I'm not giving them nothing Also think about them

You're broke, but also think about them So if you owe them 400 and you don't have the four but you show up with a one ain't nobody gonna be mad at you You know what I'm saying ain't nobody gonna be mad at you everybody knows right now What's going on? So that's the most important thing stress Will lower your fucking immune system and you'll fucking catch this thing anyway All this shit If you if you let it get to your mind

It'll break you down You guys know what i'm talking about a lot of you guys have hit me up and told me You suffer from depression if you're already prone to depression This will spin you out of control I'm not prone to depression and there's been days this week where this has spun me out of control Why did I you know you you guys know I usually work out four days a week What I had to do it in this time period to survive Was make my shortcuts my workouts shorter

So I can make sure I do them every day Okay, so instead of working out for 40 minutes or 45 minutes I cut it down. I've been doing 15 minute chunks every day Just so I don't really kill myself. I still do the kettlebells twice a week Thursday I did a boxing workout and I mixed it with yoga Just to get the breathing going To get some of the fucking a leave some of the

Tension out of me just the breathing, you know the the cat pose the child pose The fucking whatever that that when you stretch out your arms and you bend your knees Just to get all the joints going But the most important thing why I did that was the breathing I wanted to breathe Slowly and then at the end believe it or not

I actually sat down indian leg, you know, or whatever indian pose If this alarm keeps going, I'm gonna go out there and break this fucking windshield in a second this cocksuck it I'm trying to keep the door open so we get some oxygen in here So if Lee's got it, he don't give it to me and if I got it, I don't give it to Lee We gotta think about this. We probably won't have guests for a few weeks We were supposed to have a guest on Wednesday or whatever I think I'm gonna cut the guest out for a few weeks, but Back to that I did that workout routine and I gotta tell you something

I feel a lot better. Why because I'm relieving stress a little bit My shoulders aren't as hard. I can't lie to you guys. I think tuesday On monday. I was hitting the bag at one point And I thought I was gonna fucking have a heart attack Just from all the thoughts of what's going to happen We're going through my mind I'm a little bit different for me. Like a lot of my depression or anxiety comes from There's oh, I should be doing this. There's more everyone else is doing better than me this and that

this like Some of like this where you live. I literally have no control over it I had a little trouble sleeping the first first week But other than that, like I kind of feel like it like kind of sort of freed me up Like I've done some things that I've been meaning to do for Years, this is about that's what this is all about This is all about knowing that your life is not going to be how it used to be Drop that idea drop that notion

It's all going to change and it doesn't take a fucking Houdini to tell you if this goes to The mandatory shutdown is till April 20th. Okay Mandatory shutdown it's fucking the 23rd of March We still have another close to a month without doing anything guys So, yes, I want you to listen to podcasts. Yes. I want you to fucking exercise. Yes. I want you to read books Yes, I want you to write. Yes. If you're working from home Yes, I you know listen

If it's between you being on the phone with unemployment For two hours and waiting do me a favor Let's knock the shit off Grab your fucking balls and like I said earlier go to any fucking supermarket chain Right now that iron put a mask on if you're really fucking Broke listen when I'm looking things go bad for me. I gotta push a kilo of coke Even though I don't do coke. I gotta push a kilo of coke. That's just the way life is I've kept all my options open. You know, I gotta push fucking

10,000 pounds of weed We'll do it if things get bad and I gotta ship weed to the to new york and fucking edibles I'll get on that fucking. I'll get on that gray. I'll put lee on the gray home bus, you know I mean, I don't have kids obviously but Even though this is scary and all that is there a part of you that is like thankful for this time to get this family sir For like a month on an uninterrupted Me to be honest if you guys

As soon as this happened I wanted something like this to happen But not for people to lose their lives, right? We Needed a wake-up call And a lot of people knew something was about to happen We just didn't expect this Okay, we did not expect this to happen

Uh I'm scared for my daughter. Yeah, I'm scared for but if you have kids right now I know you're worried about them. I know that if you have three pieces of rice You'll give you a kid too when you only want, you know, uh When you have kids all bets are off You know lee, I know you want to be an actor, but go fuck your mother Go over the fucking routes and apply for a job loading. This is what this calls for

You know, this is when Life becomes life. This is like when my mother died Yeah, I know I want to be this and this and this but it's too late You can't play basketball no more. You can't do this. You have to quit school. You got to support yourself You're not getting social security. This is what needs to be done What you want is great. Yeah, I'm thinking of going to stony brook college. Who gives a fuck We can't afford stony brook college. We could afford Uh

North hollywood community college that we could afford so what do you want to do? You want to cry or you want to take what's what's available to you? There's no there's no time for crying now There's no time for fucking fun and games You know, I feel for you. I feel for you But at the other hand you have to feel for you too Claim responsibility and go, you know what? Joey's right. I can't fucking sit here all day. I'll go do this. I'll go do this spread your day out I mean to the fucking hour if you come to my house now. I've got my little daily notebook to the hour

To the hour from monday to friday now. We have homeschool Wow But I did it differently. I take her at 8 45 and I take her for a walk around the neighborhood I take her to the corner of the park and I let her go fucking crazy, you know I take her for like an hour walk 45 minute walk just to get all that energy out to be when I drop her off at school At 8 she doesn't go into class at 8 They play for 15 20 minutes to get that fucking yaya's out and to talk. I'm boring to her I'm an old fucking man. She doesn't want to talk to me, but she can't talk to her kids or friends

Right. So what we've done is we've set up three of her good friends We know their mother and I'll call the father and they'll face time. Oh smart. Let's go for a walk I'll they'll FaceTime little girls and never another she'll tell me dad. I'm bored And she'll give me the phone and then and then we go home And then I hand her over to her mother and at 10 o'clock she's got a computer thing with uh With one teacher and then that ends at like 10 30 And then she has a snack and then 11 o'clock. She's got another one with her main class teacher and all the students

So for an hour, she's yelling you you go to my house We put her outside. We put her we have the back room I have I could have converted into a podcast studio. We turned that into a classroom Oh, interesting. We're a little bored. So my wife's got her desk and they could do work together So while my wife is doing her work She's doing her work sitting right next to her Then at 12 we take a breather and we eat lunch And she could fucking watch the computer anything on the computer

For a half hour we and after that we do math Then about two I bring out the sparring mitts and she's either got to do fucking hit the mitts For 15 20 minutes, you know, so every day we got to doing something Uh, I have it doing the podcast on tuesday My wife had had a planting trees. You really got to keep them engaged Because there was a couple days I saw that we so it took a couple days to come up with this Yeah, of course. It was like three days of like fucking we were all over the place Then we said no, let's put her in the back

Shut off all the focus So now she's happy. She's adjusting. Are there kids in her school whose parents are both working right now? They're working, but they're working from home. Okay Like the main pass she has one girlfriend that a mother's a nurse So i'm hearing everything that's going on in the hospitals through her And like what I was thinking a lot about this week was How you talk about keeping everything low Like I've been wanting to do like at your bedroom or I want a dog or one of this and that

And this this this week is maybe like thankful that I keep everything low This is what I've been telling people for years about a house right now for 23 years I know people who bought houses right now and have their homes up for sale They moved into the house before their home was up for sale So I know a couple people in that position. They're fucked Who woke up yesterday and said, you know what? I think I'm gonna buy a house right now during corona season So the fucking hey, you know, I'm gonna walk into a fucking stranger's house. So

You know things are going to change For a long time as long as you can accept them And you're prepared for these changes But it's the mental that's gotta be tough It's the men and trust a guys every day I'm not gonna lie. Do you have a little bit of a nervous breakdown? At some point of the day, I gotta reach for something believe it or not and Lee knows I have been cutting my weed intake down

drastically I've been going from 20 bung hits to six Wow five I don't get up no more and smoke weed right away I try to save it for after lunchtime if I could push it till three The other day I went all the way till five You know, this affects smokers and vapors smokers

So you have to do all this. Hey listen guys, we're all gonna fucking die I don't want you to think that nobody's fucking them all the world. We're all gonna fucking punch the ticket, but All I'm trying to do is stay healthy To provide for my family to see that little girl fucking grow up If I can make a high school graduation, I'll leave this planet. How happy is shit And give her the education and give her the street education she deserves And I could turn her into the savage that she's supposed to be Not the floor for all this stupidity and jumping up and down and spring break and

Following the masses. I've done my job. Is it that? And that's all I want to do. I don't listen I don't want to be on tv. I don't want to be fucking famous. I don't want to be Kevin Hart I just want to do two podcasts a week Get on the road when I can I don't want to fucking have a bus. I don't want the traveling bingo tour I don't want nothing I just want to make you guys laugh Be happy and see my daughter grow up at this point, you know, I don't want to be fucking Seinfeld

I don't want to do nothing As far as I'm concerned the entertainment industry, you know, I really wanted to sit down with you guys and Once a week or twice a week and maybe do joey's cabaret And do stand up for you guys until I watched this week with john Oliver He didn't have a live audience. It was fucking brutal. Oh, really? It was brutal This is why after you kept calling me and going, what are we gonna get tomorrow? That is brutal and then everybody started doing it. So now I wouldn't be special

That's true to sit here in front of a wall and just I'm not gonna charge people Right because I decided I just wanted to stand up and break Right and that's actually something I wanted to say I'm just I'm thankful that we're still doing this Just like well not really when I called you the other day and I'm like sunday. You're like sunday Then you see Gavin Newsom. I I did not say that You said uh quarantine. Yes, you did. I know this is the perfect something else

This is the perfect situation for you to be quarantined because you've been I do I do like being for the last since paula left. You've been quarantined So this does nothing this doesn't change her out But I'm glad that I get to get out of the house a couple days a week No, you're doing right You went to west hills for groceries. You could have gone to and tell me I'm gonna work with smart. I'm gonna tell you people something I'm gonna tell you people something And I've told you before but I'm gonna tell you again

I'm gonna tell you where you definitely will get corona And the strain is the worst one you'll get Do not go to 7 11 Do not go to 7 11. Do me a favor When you go for a ride today go to your nearest 7 11 and just sit outside the 7 don't even go on the parking spot Oh, no Even if you pull your car you need special fucking army tanks to go on the 7 11 parking lot The corona virus that's that fucking

That's that fucking uh, that that that that that uh, ices corona virus. It's different Did you see ices told their militants not to come back? No That's the funniest line of the week. That's how you know corona is real Isis told its militants to stay put and do jihad wherever the fuck they're at Don't come back here and bring your fucking jihad from home Don't bring don't come back with your little hummasee fucking olive fingers Back to this fucking plantation. No, we're stabbing the neck We'll put a hood on and chop your fucking head off. Oh, ices told its followers not to come back

That's how serious corona is Fuck So if you want to keep fucking around and breathing on people And by the way when I did that podcast last week and I talked about that girl But I grew up with that went to all those loser bars I had three girls from my youth contact me that I have not heard from and said You were talking about this particular girl. weren't you? She's a fucking stiff. You're right That's how crazy it is

It's it's guys all I wanted to come on here today is tell you listen It's a lot worse in your head than what it really is I want you to look out for yourself Don't let nobody you don't want no Wuhan breathing on you when I say that I don't say Chinese. I'm not being fucking racist I say, I mean any Wuhan breath. I don't want on me Wuhan breath is fucking corona. That's what Wuhan breath is. Okay. So when I said that it had nothing to do I'm smarter than that. I am not blaming this on the asians. I'm not blaming this This is a punishment from god to check us

This is karma checking us This was a karma check for all of us We've all been going a little bit over out of our head. The last couple years We're not doing the right things You know it and I know it That we have not been doing the right things. There is no reason why we should be paying $400 and $60 to park To go see the stones or any other fucking band

There's no reason why we should be paying $25 to an already inflated fucking airline ticket When you know There's no reason you know that disney loses six billion dollars. You know what disney suck my motherfucking dick You've been charging 140 to go into that place for fucking ever now you're dying suck my dick He will live in high on the hog All these motherfuckers will live in high on the hog dog. I grew up in fucking neck games. Nick games. I'm sorry I went to nick games. I went to fucking Yankee. I won them your mech games. I went to concerts

$10 now the cheapest fucking laker game is 100 $200 the cheapest laker ticket is 190. There's still no fucking air conditioner with a bunch of runaways and shit That's what you're trying to fucking tell me Since day one I've been talking about this podcast about the abuse on the american family how a family of four Cannot even afford to fucking go on a vacation anymore because they rob you at every fucking length So disney lost six million dollars go fuck yourself. You can't even bring water into the park So they could charge you seven dollars for their fucking water Seven fucking dollars the movie theater for why should it cost me 50 fucking dollars?

To go to a goddamn movie theater seven dollars for a fucking soda guys Last time I checked i'm an econ mage. It's fucking the nickel for the syrup and the cup And they're charging you seven fucking dollars. That's a 300 thousand percent fucking markup So you know what fuck the movie theaters? Fuck amc Fuck regal Fuck all these motherfuckers that have been taking our money for the last 10 years and laughing in our face You're fucking payphone. Go check on your fucking bill

Check it out. Take an uber. Take an uber and look at the taxes that you pay the uber tax getting into the car tax Fucking breathing air tax They hit you on everybody's got your fucking money in your pocket. Fuck them now if they're crying something to go fuck themselves For years they've been having it with our fucking money you beat Lee did we not have a conversation here last year and talk about you going home for christmas and how expensive it was and Fucking that'd be american family. So fuck them the airlines are crying now. Fuck you fucking american airlines Was at their highest fucking peak in 2010 they were charging month. They made 7.6 billion fucking dollars

And instead of fucking making the plane better They went to war with their pilots and stewardesses. They yanked all the screens off their tv They fucking took a bathroom out of the plane to put more seats in there on top of the 25 for your luggage They were charging you and I got to feel bad for them. Fuck them. I feel bad for you guys And I hope this opened up your eyes You know 10 years ago. We were all coming all cables high. Well now we got hulu Zulu HBO plus showtime plus the fucking so now you pay more for fucking cable. Look at me I got hulu. Yeah, but you're paying eight fucking times the amount. You're stupid. Fuck

Yeah, I got hulu. Who gives a fuck Now you're crying now. What are you gonna do? And it's not your fault guys It's not your fault It's They all tried to fuck us Sixty dollars to park for an event To go to a u of c fight or this or that

and then To add insult to injury To add insult to injury The nfl who owns Sundays The nfl is more popular than the church From august 15th To february 3rd The nfl is fucking all we know

NCAA basketball. Are you fucking kidding me? It's the fucking pulse of this country Americans especially And the sec acc all those divisions They don't know what to do in march with it. You know Fucking major league baseball Major league baseball created this fucking country. We And it's baseball apple pie. I mean this is as american as can be

All of them fucking tapped out But then you got johnny greed over here still Cabee was gonna fight fucking or whatever, you know I mean then then he has the fights and he don't show up He had a fight in brazil. I don't see you there When you show up and you're out there breathing with these poor brazilians Then you fucking call the fight then you could stay at the fucking fight johnny greed Yeah, can you believe this shit?

He still wants to have people out there wrestling and fighting. They're telling you Basketball players got the fucking corona virus and johnny ufc. So we're still gonna have to fight. Listen I feel bad for kabeb. I want to see kabeb and that dude fight till the fucking end I'm dying to fucking see that fight like anybody else if you're a fan of fucking mma That's the only thing on your mind that you should be counting off the days I called it when this happened at this and once they fucking Said that six of the nets had it Are you kidding me? You can't have an event there that when they said that one

He didn't had to talk them into canceling next three. Did you watch that ufc last week? Yeah, no, it was like fucking a ghostville. It was five people breathing on each other You know, I cannot believe the fucking greed of some people and this is what i'm saying Yeah, I have listen. I want to see that fight more than anybody, but I don't want nobody getting corona virus How would you feel dana? Somebody got the corona virus where there'd be a camera guy A fucking the ref One of the fucking people that's sitting around the side. I don't fucking know they had like maybe 12 people in there You know, you're exchanging bodily sweats on top of that to train for a fight

You have to go to a gym and be around people Everything leads to a sickness and this guy's still saying the fight's still gonna go on And that just shows you where we're at. We don't listen, man The day after the fucking thing was announced Agents were still calling. So when are we gonna put are you you can't be this fucking stupid? You can't be this fucking stupid I know people who reschedule dates that now have to reschedule them again I told you just to cancel everything

The only date i'm really looking at right now is july 31st and august 1 sandiego And vegas and do I expect full houses? Not in a million years I don't expect full houses. I'm hoping the store the store and everything is open by june. I'm open to dupre June 4th, but are you gonna come to the show? Are you gonna sit in the front row? I'm known as a spitter. Anyway, you know when I was a kid people used to tell me constantly Hey, give me the news not the weather. I got like a tooth that makes the spit come out of my fucking mouth direct You know how many times I've sat I've been doing comedy and I spit on people directly by mistake By mistake you're talking and you see a piece of fucking roast beef come out of something

You eat a piece of pizza in between shows You know, what do you think I got dental floss in my pocket now? I started bringing it after You know you started highlighting a couple years and you see a piece of saliva fly out of your mouth I don't want nobody in the front row when I'm performing So it's going to be very interesting I don't want somebody to come to my show. So I'd rather not do stand up till whatever Do the original room just to build my immune system up Do the belly room just to get I wrote a few jokes this week nothing

Extreme like I said my focus hasn't been on that My focus has been but real quick before we get the podcast going I want to thank my man david shuler david shuler put together that opening track for us. That was great That is fucking phenomenal. We could live with it. You know, we we don't have to play any immune I mean he put he caught the fucking church of what's happening now And the vibe all together. I want to thank david shuler for putting that little fucking riff together with the church So what's happened? It's beautiful when I got the call the other day. I didn't know what my friend was talking about matt Schultz

I want to thank him to one of my agents at cAA who made this all possible, but Mr. Schuller, I love you. I read your wikipedia and I love to have you on some time. He's a Grammy nominate award winner Yeah, the guy that did this is great. I'm uh, and you know, this is what I'm saying Right now, this is I'm gonna leave you with this. This is the time to live by this Every day this week. I did something to blow somebody's mind And friday somebody blew my mind with this thing with this beautiful Fucking intro for us that he made and he's got more don't worry about none. He's got more He told me he could cut this around and move it out if we wanted to do it

So Do me a favor no matter how bad you feel this week how stressed out you are You want to feel a little better about yourself? I want you to do me five favors grab a pen I want you to do me a couple favors number one call five people every day From your phone list Five people outside your regular world. Just say hello Ask them how they're doing, you know Be human man, you know, what's going to beat this love in humanity

I see all these people telling me about all these bullets that are being sold I know so we're trying to unfold out more evil with fucking more evil I'm not saying not to protect yourself. You gotta you have the amendment. You have to carry your fucking weapon But please don't put your pictures on facebook and twitter And put pictures of more guns out to get people going crazy I got calls from a friend of mine in texas. He says you can't even get ammunition People are getting guns and getting ready for this. Listen. I'm prepared. You're prepared My whole neighborhood is prepared remember. I live two doors down from retired cop

He's already come over and spoken to me. I put an extra camera in the back. I've done everything I can The alarm is kicking the guns are ready. But do me a favor. Don't put no pictures of guns on On the internet. We're going through rough times as it is Why do you want to vote evil right now? There's no schools. That's a good thing about this There won't be no school shootings the rest of the fucking year Thank fucking god, at least we got rid of that situation. We got another different situation now, but don't make it worse Okay, you know last time I fucking checked the way the cure of vaccine The way to cure a fucking disease is through a vaccine. It's not shooting people

So I don't know why people are getting all the guns and shit together. Listen, I appreciate That you're using your amendment and you're the right to protect yourself and all that stuff But do us a favor don't put that out there as the front line because you're really sending out the wrong message man I got guns too and we got the grenades and the whole fucking deal I'm not posting pictures of them up right now at this time I want you to call some people. I want you to fucking be mindful of other people By the way, if somebody hurts an old person in front of you as a member of the church And you fuck them up and you get a ticket or go to jail

Please contact me. I will bail you out personally I will send you the money to the police department if you strike someone For attacking an old person or for knocking somebody old down in a supermarket And you kick them in the stomach and you send me the fucking paperwork I will bail you out personally and pay for your fucking attorney. Okay Do not let fucking acts of abuse go on in front of you if you see a fucking abuse of the supermarket anywhere Listen, you fucking kick them in the mouth And you get a hold of lee you go on twitter you tell your mom to get on twitter

Tweet joey ds send me the fucking paperwork And I will personally send you the fucking bail money and I will get you a fucking attorney that will go in there and say Fuck you mother fuckers. We're still fucking human last time I checked. You don't push nobody You don't abuse nobody you see somebody hitting a fucking kid at a park You fucking knock the fuck out of them. I'll bail you out. That's how we're doing this church. Okay Do not let all elders get abused in front of you. I've been hearing fucking people fucking hitting me up saying they went to the supermarket No, and they saw some guy pushing old lady for a fucking soda and shit like that You see that you got the green light

Kick them in the fucking mouth knock a tooth out start running if they catch it. I got you I Got you I promise you I got you we ain't fucking around like that. We still we're still fucking gentlemen Anybody because I know oaky spooky you put a bullet in your ass. Oh, yeah. Yeah Oaky spooky's down there in texas waiting to shoot a mother patrols right now So That's it. That's that I didn't mean to do a podcast today To scare you mother fuckers. I just want to come in check in with you

Remember schedule your day, man You know go for walks. Just don't you see some guy walking on the street cross the fucking street Don't walk behind nobody. You don't want nobody walking behind you You know go out get vitamin D. Very important for depression. Very important Very important. You're starting to get stressed out Listen, I don't want you to live fucking with Joey. I don't have a gym beautiful. You don't need a gym Or it is to do slow motion push-ups setups Go online get some yoga poses and remember to breathe through them

Just stretch. You don't remember how to stretch. You know how to fucking stretch You know how to do push-ups and you know how to do setups, but I want you to Watch your breathing while you're doing these exercises Because I want you to breathe out the stress Breathe it out And remember if you can't nobody's telling you to work out for two hours. You're not fighting nobody in the U.S. State But everything helps Yeah, that but especially since this thing is a breathing disease that boss rooting breathe the thing is really great

If anyone has breathing issues, it really helps. Listen. I've been living off that boss The o2 trainer the o2 trainer I got to the point where I would walk around the park with it But I just felt creepy people looking at me like what's he doing? What's this guy doing? You ever see that dude on the unicycle? You've been driving this dude around here has like a He thinks he's real cool with this unicycle. I can't wait to see him get hit by a ups drug one day I could see it coming. It doesn't take a fucking genius to see it coming

That he's gonna get hit by a fucking ups drug Like I said, I don't know what the fuck my dates are as soon as I get them I will let you know what the fuck they are. I hope I could uh I hope I helped you out as much as I could today By doing this podcast. Listen, I don't know everything But I'll tell you what I'm doing. It's working for me There's been no drama in my house There's been no arguments. I love them more than ever

uh, the baby Has had her moments But I look in her eyes and I see What she's going through and it It gets me a little fucking fired up. You know, I give her a hug and I give her a kiss and uh And that's it guys. I wish you The best Like I said, it's easier said than done joey

Ba ba ba ba ba. Give it a shot. Give it a shot. I was stressed out The week before I had to go to new york to shoot that movie I don't remember myself even being that stressed out before going on a court. I swear to god guys Before getting sentencing I was not that stressed out I was really stressed out The week before st. Patty's day and then this week I figured out a way how to deal with it. Uh, and yeah, I've been eating my edibles at night. I've been getting fucking shizz-izzled

Guys the last two weeks. I'm not gonna lie to you. I've been going on edible fucking foxholes I've been drinking this thing called quicksy 100 milligrams. I get it at urban trees It's got melatonin in it Everything in it points you to sleep So I'll take two or three hundred regular atx capsules whatever the abx. I'll take two or three hundred these First to get the party started. I'll start about five o'clock or one before dinner And then I'll pop two more after I take my blood pressure medication And then once my wife says she's going to bed I'll drink that fucking

quick ease quick z and guys After that, there ain't no turning back There really isn't any turning back I get fucked up. Yeah Listen to this poor guy. Yeah I get fucked up. I ate some mushrooms this week one night I just been trying to make the best of what I have guys. So, uh, by the way Let's see what we got here. Oh

The second half of the podcast is brought to you by Did you see the noise? That's okay. That's what you need. Come here. Here you go. It's a beautiful My and these are these taste great. No, they don't these were grown in a In a in a tank. Look at these ones up. Why these are beautiful. No, no, no. Stop adding to it That's all you need. That's not even that's not even a gram. That's a gram I We end the podcast off with little mushrooms here

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And I also want to thank me on these but most importantly I want to thank you guys for the support. I love you guys With all my heart. I care about you guys With all my heart. Thank you for all the love and support you've given us We're here for you Listen, I was making videos for you guys remember that last video I made last Friday. I was fucked up I blacked out so hard. I forgot I made the videos and the reason why I stopped I'll start this week once everybody else stops singing fucking imagine

Fucking wonder woman singing imagine And a bunch of faggy comics putting some shit up when I come to you. I want to come to you like it's original So I'll do some more periscopes this week. Uh That's it and that's that. I love you guys with all my fucking heart. Thank you for tuning in Have a great fucking monday. Remember to reschedule your shit It's time to start over. Okay. It's just a little bump in the road Grab your balls and you're gonna be a better Bad a motherfucker than when you were before this whole thing started. Have a great day kick this fucking mule lily

You