Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #773 - Joey Diaz: There is Light Ahead

Episode Date: March 30, 2020

Joey Diaz talks about the positives he sees from the quarantine experience, how it has made him a calmer person, and how even though we are in a rough period, there is light ahead.  This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo Church to get a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.  CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   

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The christ killers here. It's a beautiful fucking day. Hey Elvis is dead. I don't feel so good myself I know everybody's got problems. It's a whole new week. It's a whole new week of quarantining I can't fly into new york or jersey or connecticut Things are fucked up, but that don't mean you have to be fucked up. Okay. There's still things going on A lot of people are writing this to them off like you're done. Listen It's going to be a hard time and i'ma tell you who when you fucking Drop an atomic bomb who survives cockroaches Cockroaches survive right now. They've just dropped an atomic bomb on us

And the people who are going to survive are going to be people who are fucking thinking outside the box I know a lot of yous are scared. I'm here scared with you. Are we scared of a virus? What the fuck are we even scared of? Have you even decided what the fuck you're scared of? Are you scared of your financial health? Are you scared of your health? Are you scared for your parents? I mean, I got I've heard a thousand horror stories this week I have dear friends in florida that I had dear friends I grew up with in jersey at their mother moved to florida She had a stroke my fight my heart goes out to them

And they're pulling the plug on monday They can't fly down there to go see their mother. So you want to come to me with your little bullshit story Go fuck yourself. Okay. It's going to be tough times and let me tell you something Tough people outlast tough fucking times. It's the year of the fucking hustler. So whatever the fuck you're thinking Unthink it. You got to think outside the box right now. You got a family. You don't have a family You got to think outside the box Traditional ways are over if you're sitting there waiting for an unemployment check Or if you're sitting there waiting for that fucking stimulus go fuck yourself

You got a better chance of getting raped by 10 fucking uh wool hand motherfuckers without the wool hand disease, you know what i'm saying? So this is what i'm going to tell you right now Fuck all that shit go to your nearest supermarket. They're hiring walmart's hiring shop rights hiring Fucking or amazon's hiring. I don't want to hear none of your shit that you're going broke There's no reason to go broke. There's a thousand fucking angles right now You just have to step up to the pump swallow Remove your fucking pride put your dream on fucking hold. Yeah, but joey. I wanted to be a figure skater. Yeah, well That's over with right now. So now we got to go stock shelves the fucking shop right for for now for now

You know, I mean right now. Where's the stand? Where's the future of stand up? Where's the future of stand up? What do you think we're just gonna go back to being fucking ha ha ha in june? People gonna be hurting people are hurting right now There's seriously people hurting and my heart goes out to you But i'm gonna give you the solution to how to get the fuck out of this mess right now First of all, we're not in a mess if you're a fucking savage, you know that this is every day for motherfuckers like us Life is fucking problems

How to eliminate fucking the problems is what you do every day how to keep your problems to a minimum That's what you strive for every day. So this is not a problem. What's going on? This is just a situation. This is a time period in your life So take a deep breath relax Now let's go back to basics Okay, swallow your pride You know, what are you gonna do as your father for money as your grandmother for money? That does days are over. You're too fucking old

Get up off your fucking ass And think outside the box what you always really want to do This is the time to start it. Why? Because you have nothing to lose Right now you have nothing so you have nothing to lose So if you wanted to be a painter go get some fucking crayons, bitch And start if you want to be a singer, this is the time to do it. You know, you go well joey I can't get a job singing at a restaurant. Nobody can now get online every night and sing fucking opera I don't give a fuck. I got a friend Ralph Carey. I grew up with him

I applaud this motherfucker every night every fucking Wednesday or Thursday. He does an Elvis impersonation Akram his living room and every week you see it's like the podcast. It's getting better and better He got curtains. He's got a little fucking show now a light show He's got a little posters of Elvis around them. You know what I sit there I take my edibles at night and I watch it and I giggle and I applaud his fucking balls He always loved Elvis as a fucking kid. He wanted to be an Elvis impersonator. Whatever the fuck you and he's doing it So I mean guys, there's no reason to be down There's no reason to be depressed. This is just another fucking day in paradise

How you navigate around it is what you have to worry about So again, all these fucking places for you people who are waiting for a check and that $1200 stimulus check Listen, yeah, I promise you I promise you I won't come in your mouth And I promise you the check is in the mail. Stop it. You can't be that dumb as fucking americans That check could get lost. They don't even know who the fuck you are Unemployment listen, they have a hard time during regular season Can you imagine with a million fucking claims that they gotta go through? So stop your fucking crying pick up your pants Pick up your chin. Go look at the mirror and say to yourself three times. I'm a bad motherfucker

Everybody's sucking my dick today And go out there and find something to hold you over until this blows over. Listen, dr. Faiucci What's the little fucking do from the science the one that covers his head every time mouth? Trump talks That little fucking italian doctor dr. Fucci Fucking trump the governor of new york. They're all nice people and they're all trying really hard But they're all not fortune tellers And they can't tell you what's gonna happen. Nobody knows what's gonna happen

You as a human being you're smart. I got a gd And I could tell you one thing expect The worst and go for the best That's all you could do here. This is not gonna be over in two weeks Okay, this is not gonna be over in three weeks There's you know, like when you Do something and the effects linger The effects are gonna linger

This is not something that's This has gotten into america's psyche Okay, this that's completely different When when you go to when you go see the joker you're on edge when you go see what's the adam sandler movie? Uh uncut gems uncut gems. You're on edge for two hours. Okay And then you believe that theater and you go back to being normal and it was an experience that you had Right now you're experiencing that only in real time It's your life

You don't know what's gonna happen So before you start making predictions, oh, we're gonna go to hawaii in july. We're gonna go see motley crew in july Don't worry about the future Think about what you could do today To make it better And how you could better yourself This week was the first i worked out monday and tuesday i threw my back out after i did the rogan podcast I had to sit for fucking three hours. You guys know i'm not good at fucking sitting. I'm not a professional fucking sit

I'm not good at sitting at all My back was so fucked up and i thought it was my kidney because everybody says that fucking the one mom said that My son was a perfect athlete and he got a backache Then he got a headache then he died So all fucking day Thursday and friday i walked around thinking i was gonna die Thinking i was gonna have to stand online at the fucking hospital With a bunch of people with a bowler and i'd be there for a bad back. What was i gonna do?

I showed it to my wife my wife said that my spine was crooked So i hung up myself upside down for a little while I put the pads on my back the tens i loosened the muscle. I couldn't even fucking get up I was making noises i never heard before When you came over to your night when i gave you that edible cocktail of death right when you fell asleep on twitch whatever the fuck You seen how i walked out. I was fucking crooked. I didn't notice i was crooked I couldn't even walk i couldn't even fucking walk for two days But that's the secret number one take care of yourself right now

A lot of zinc a lot of vitamin c if this thing attacks you it's zinc and vitamin c. What are you gonna go to doctor for? Well, what are you gonna? What's he gonna do for you? He's telling you that stay home Zinc it up and see it up every time i walk past the cabinet I drop a thousand milligrams of vitamin c. You piss it right out That's why keep popping vitamin c nobody's ever died from a vitamin c overdose. Okay You ever know when what did he die of he had too much vitamin c He ate 200 oranges that don't kill nobody all right

Vitamin c is fucking good for you Vitamin c that motherfucker close some zinc in your system Every time you need to go out when you get home gargle with warm water and salt That's the secret because the virus sits in your throat for three days before it spreads into your lungs So every time you step outside the house You have contact with somebody even though they're 18 feet away. I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck when I go home now from this podcast I lovely I take a shower and I gargle with that salt fucking solution

So nothing sits in my throat and then at night sometimes I hit it with listerine Because I can't even take my own breath and on top of that You'll want to fuck you to sit there and go damn I got bad breath Even when you play on the computer and you smell your upper lip and you go it smells like an asshole in there You know like what the fuck do I do it's a reefer And fucking nicotine gum and water Your breath smells like a fucking asshole my teeth are like fucking magenta

If I'm scared to go to the dentist he's gonna laugh at me He's gonna go would you brush your teeth with a crayon? What the fuck is wrong with you? I brush my teeth three times a day and they got like a magenta color to me I think the reefer just fucking ruin them. It's 57 years. What are you gonna do? You know what I'm saying? They got to turn a certain fucking color eventually But that's it and that's that man. It's monday fucking morning. It's a whole new week You got a whole new attitude. Listen. We've been petrified for two weeks

Stop it already your anxiety level should drop by now because my anxiety level I've accepted my fate I have I've accepted my fate nobody else is like everybody's trying to be nostradamus And predict the future. You know what my fate is? I'm a 57 year old fat fuck Okay, the road doesn't look like it for a while Just doesn't look like you think about it. If we go through straight may what do you think's gonna happen in june? You think all you motherfuckers are gonna come out of the house and have a bunch of money? No, you're not It's gonna be a different game

And on top of that if we go through june or fucking july first they're gonna start with 10 people coming to a show Then 20 people coming to a show Then 50 people coming to a show Then 100 people and that's gonna take a fucking while And hopefully by then we'll all be healed and let's pray that this corona virus doesn't come back I'm someone with a lot of anxiety, but the one thing that's saving me with this Is that I have no control over it. I mean I can take care of myself and give myself a better chance But overall I had nothing I can do can change this nothing

I told you guys last week. This isn't your fault This isn't my fault. This isn't anybody's fault. This is a sad thing about this Nobody saw this coming Nobody fucking saw this coming so On the bright side listen man, just take care of yourselves Try to pick up a quick copy. I've been reading like a motherfucker I've been read bobbling us. Thank you

I'm finally catching up on some fucking reading I I'm sorry I started on that led zeppelin book fucking bobbling us Sent me a led zeppelin book. It's bigger than the bible It's bigger than the chinese bible. You understand me. It's like 2000 fucking pages I've been putting down like 50 pages a day. So yeah, this is what this is for and you got to schedule your fucking day Right now i'm homeschooling my daughter had a pisser this week because this week I got to I got to work with her with math Of my way. I got a quicker way. I showed how to play dice Okay, so I've been teaching how to play dice for money

7 11 that's a quick way to think to keep her going something different And I also taught taught how to play blackjack now. I'm not a good blackjack player. I'm not a gambler But just a different just to change up The teaching a little bit adding here. Yeah, so I give a we play cards The one day the one day we played dice I got her on a schedule 8 30 she leaves the house We walk her because she's a fucking racehorse

If you don't walk my daughter, you're gonna have a problem at three o'clock So she's got to go for a walk and take her mind off of things in the morning like a 30 minute walk, which is good I kill like fucking six points. We go back home I've already eaten breakfast and my wife takes her in the back And they do a journal from 9 30 to fucking 10 then at 10 o'clock the computer comes on And she does something with one teacher till 10 30 then at 10 30 She has a little breather She's a lot back in the house

And she fucking yeah, she's not allowed now 10 30 keeper in the backyard. We have that little spare bedroom the Podcast studio back there the shed, right? So I we take it back there. My wife set it up like an office. So she it feels like she's actually leaving Yeah, you know people always say I'm gonna put an office in my house. That's a good idea If you're a really productive person But it's a bad idea if you're fucking lazy naturally I want you to get up and leave

No, if you have a if you're a lazy person and you have an office in your house It's not gonna work for you. It's not gonna make a big difference because you're never gonna use it anyway I always force myself to leave Leave my office is the coffee shop Sorry, I can't go to the coffee shop. So some mornings I come here And I try to fucking write for an hour some warnings Some warnings I just sit in my fucking car by the park and I bring a notebook and I write my journal in there while they're doing that This whole thing is scheduling your day. You know

You got two bedrooms One bedroom go to one corner of the room for an hour Go to the other corner of the room. You know what domestic violence has gone up You know why because you people in front of each other every fucking day Me and my wife separate jack And I don't have no fucking big house. I leave I leave I go out I get vitamin D. The other day Joe Rogan said to me dog You look like you're getting the sun. I've been on the sun all fucking week. That's all I do is get vitamin D

I'm from an island. The sun agrees with me. I'm not gonna die from vitamin D. My fucking DNA is an island An african. So what the fuck we're outside all day. There's palm trees. Everybody in cube is dark, right? You ever see anybody it was a light-skinned cubans. No, they got no spf Everybody's fucking dark and that's what happened. So I'm used to the fucking sun. I love it. I try to avoid my wife You know right now. I'm trying to be You know I knew the situation you're gonna put two people together three people together in the house That's a fucking powder cake. Yeah

Okay, and don't get me wrong. We've had uh thursday night. There was a little blow out at the house You know mercy mercy is uh She's seven years old. She can't wrap her head around this She really doesn't understand How what's going on, you know, she For a little while, she wouldn't even leave the house for a couple of days. I had a forcer To leave the fucking house Yesterday uh saturday saturday. Yeah saturday. I took him down to hollywood

I took I go let's go get dressed for going to hollywood. They're like why I go because we can't sit in the valley another fucking day. I haven't been over the hill since march 7 So I took him into hollywood in the afternoon Guys, it was a shock a fucking reality My anxiety was under control and I fucking it's shot back up again Because it was just homeless tense And in and out had the biggest fucking line you've ever seen your life That's all that was out was homeless tense and a line for in and out that ran all the way down sunset

I guess in and out is good during the corona virus If you could fucking smell I didn't read I didn't get the memo all of a sudden fucking in and out Sometimes you didn't take like water balloons and go down the line with your family It's just I just felt so bad for those people that you're such a fucking sucker And this is why all this is happening. Can you imagine if your last meal was in and out? How bad you feel? Oh like a fucking idiot But these fucking goots is think, you know In and out in and out in and out

They can't go a day without a fucking burger A day without a fucking burger. I mean if you would have seen this line You would have died. Okay. It went all the way outside All the way to sunset boulevard all the way to the big street Highland whoa This is like blocks people this is like in and out if you're not from here is bad Normally bad, but that's like a couple blocks a fucking hour wait that was saying Fuck you

hour fucking wait And I don't go in and out I was at the light and I just yelled at the guy And the guy goes it's an hour. Look at the line. I go holy shit That was all that was open I I haven't I never used to cook anything. I haven't gone to a restaurant yet And I went I went to a walmart a couple times And that is even from I I finally found a place that'll deliver

That all the delivery places I normally get delivered from like grocery stores in amazon have been shut down Yeah, they've been shut down and now that we live off both of them Come on back we go to the store, but we don't go to any of the big stores I'm not gonna tell you where I go because they'll never be a go. I found a little mexican bodega. Oh Nice shrimp now. I I already know you're gonna say no, but I heard I heard the asian markets are kind of dead What do you trust that? I don't know. I don't even know what is an asian market I I know I found I was driving the other day

And I saw this little mexican supermarket. I saw the parking lot was empty kind of sort of And I drove in I put my little mask on I got my little fucking Life saw that I carry with me And I fucking went in there on a mission and it was Empty nice I got a couple pounds of shrimp Oh, I got a couple pounds of steak

I got toilet paper I got life saw They had everything It's like everybody goes to one place. Yeah, I've never seen people So fucking stupid Stupid well, that's I'm driving 20 miles to go to Walmart stupid Just to avoid the big cities. All you gotta do is go up Lancashire And you find these little mexican bodegas. I think I know what you're talking about. Yeah

It's empty. Wow three four people and they do it right the mexicans are doing it right Believe it or not the mexicans are doing it right because they have to work So the they were in there fucking scrubbing wiping People with masks on I mean they were walking the aisles were empty They have a guy outside. There's only eight people around the store. Right. I think I was in there with three people nice No, I mean that's uh I know as a fat

I don't know if it's because I'm fat or not, but that's the one thing that's been scaring me is like not being able to leave your house to get food What do you mean the supermarket or just anyway like like if they say you can't leave your house or even I don't know I'm just just just the idea. I think like that's Just that you can't live You love your life the way you want to That's uh

You just have to be cautious. Yeah right now when a situation where you have to think about the people around you I could honestly tell you I could look you in the eye and tell you I have not been around Any groups bigger than Three or four Sister second of march. Wow Once I heard about this. I avoided people. It's over It's over. We're quarantining and I don't know what you're touching. So why take the chance?

Why take the chance? I would hate for somebody to come in here And sit in that chair and get it from me Or for somebody to come in here and give it to me I would hate to have the guilt of me giving it to somebody because I was Selfish and unkind and careless So for now I keep it to a minimum I know it's different because you have a family

But you know what you always joke about like how like you were a single kid and you could go to an island with cranberry juice and stuff like With all the anxiety stuff taken away. Are you enjoying the quarantine a little bit like to be able to like shut down a little bit and Be by yourself Here's the positives for me of this quarantine I've been going out at night Since 1976 Damn, you guys got to remember my mother had a bar

So when I was growing up in the summers I didn't have a city. I would stay at the bar with my mother till three in the morning And then I lost my mother at 16 and I was forced to go out every night I was forced to hang out in bars. I was forced to do things That I would never do on the circumstances. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day And he's kind of a drinker good guy. I love him to death His daughter plays with mercy good guy him and his wife are good people And we're talking about bars and I'm like the good thing about me is dog. I've hated fucking bars

Since the beginning of time like I grew up in a bar I see the effect on alcohol on people. I would see people walk in looking normal And leave and acting like a fucking jerk off And I made a mental note and I didn't want to act like that Those bar regulars have always tortured me to death regulars of the bar. They tortured me to death I got into comedy in 91 1991 I fell in love with something more than

I have a love myself even that's how much I fell in love with comedy. I was I was very lucky to get on stage and find what I wanted to do A lot of people live their life and they don't find What they truly love. Okay When I fell in love with comedy I fell in love head over fucking heels. Have you fallen in love with something? Head over heels guys. You're falling in love with a woman Ladies, you're falling in love with a man

Hell over heels where you forget to take care of yourself. You forget to eat you'll forget anything for that person This is what happened to me with comedy When comedy came into my life I was so fucking happy And I went out every night and I stayed out and even when I got home. I read books on comedy I read biographies on comedy. I you know, I watched fucking vhs tapes endlessly I became a 24 hour fucking comic, you know, everything I all I could think about was

sleep eat and shit comedy. That's all I did and then 95 I got into it even harder What does that mean that means that you don't even watch tv That means that you already tell people Fuck you and your fucking wedding, you know, it's a fucking Saturday. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about You know, you just tell people like I'm not coming to this. I'm not doing this like this is how much you get into comedy You know and and I just took it off with it And the first time I took a breather from that from 91

The first time I took a breather was when the longest yard came out in may of 2005 And was it was a breather beam a breather means that I stayed home on monday nights Wow That was a breather I stayed home on monday nights Do you remember if I'm skipping ahead tell me but do you remember the last time you took a full week off? No Wow

No, there's no four weeks off This is what you want to do in your life. There's no weeks off when you do When you do by the square garden that's when you deserve a week off until then I don't even know what you're talking about. Right. I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't take a night off I didn't take a holiday off. I hated christmas because there was no comedy I started hating the nights. I couldn't do comedy That's when you know you love something

You love it. Like I fuck. What are you talking about? So when all this started coming down the pipe You know, we've been going steady since 2012 Yeah All right podcast road You know, I've been a year before I met you. I was going on the road heavy before I had mercy I was going on the road heavy

so for me I asked rogan the other day the podcast has he written And he said no and I was very happy because I have not written a joke either I've written little things in there, you know, you know, I'm gonna use on stage. Yes. I can't lie to you about that I'm working on different things like I was writing You know, obviously nobody's buying books right now or whatever, but I'm still trying to write, you know So I was just trying to write

It's interesting that you asked that question I was just trying to write the story of me falling in love with comedy How the process happened Like I still remember my ex-wife telling me I don't want to be with you And me being so happy because that was the only obstacle In my way that I was trying to put a family together That was the only obstacle in my way For doing comedy. I knew I could do it

But how was I gonna do it with a young family? That was the question And again for people who think I'm crazy god fucking opened up the door And made her fall out of love with me and she dumped me and went with another guy. Thank god. If not, I wouldn't have been here So everything happens for a reason. Right. So at that time It was now Only 29 years ago I had nothing going on

I was broke and I had nothing to lose Let me go for comedy I'm divorced. I'm broke and I got nothing to lose There's nothing you could do to me now. I'm already 50,000 in debt and the debt's climbing But who I care I'm not gonna make any money in comedy. You can't throw me in deadest prison. There's no deadest prison, you know There's no deadest prison So you keep going And I fell in love with this fucking racket

So when the possibility in my mind I was a little upset You know, I enjoy leaving twice a month It's my little six days Did I get to watch my my little computer? I get privacy. I could think I missed my daughter and my wife But I enjoy Believe it or not. I don't have a social life My social life is the comedy store

When I go over that hill, that's my social life. It's sad But it's true Okay, it's not like I go somewhere once a week while I play cards or I hang out in the men's choir I don't have any of that shit All I have is the comedy store. Right. So when this went down I've looked at this as a breather This is a breather for a guy like me

But it's a well deserved breather This is not stopped for 29 years. Yeah This train is not stopped I don't want it to stop. I never wanted it to stop But sometimes you need to take a break. This is making me The reason why I haven't written comedy my reason is because I want to you know, like things are trending

In my mind things are trending all the time, right? Like you think I wanted to start trending new things I wanted my mind to start coming up with new things So whatever material I had before this it's done. Yeah, it's over with So when I hit the stage June 1st, July 1st August 1st I'm starting from scratch Yeah, there's no way to go back to it. Yeah, that's it. They did me a favor

Don't worry. I'm gonna put it back together and try to put it on cd and put out a cd before there's three bucks or something But for right now, there's nothing to think about All we could do is take care of ourselves and get ready for the next chapter of our lives Whatever it's gonna be. We don't know You you know, right now you're gonna find out people's true colors This is what's good about this. You're gonna find out about people's true colors You're gonna see what banks are willing to work with you, you know, my friend brought up a great point before You know, uh, a lot of these banks are giving you 90 days a lot of mortgage

But at the end of those 90 days, you got to pay all three of those mortgages Plus the fourth one. So there's no bargain here guys There's gonna be a by the way people are gonna be hurting and their belts are gonna tighten People are gonna lose their homes People are gonna lose their businesses But on the bright side It's a start for most people Like my uncle, he's 80 fucking two. He couldn't wait to get out of that bar. This just gave him the answer

Oh, really? This accelerated the deal. He's done Good for him. It's up for sale. It's up for sale. It'll sell within a month Wow, you know, that's it. That's it. You know today yesterday On sunday a famous allen eds closed in bevelly hills. Really they're closing they closed yesterday Yeah, because the rent yeah, they don't know nobody knows the future Right now you're sitting there going. I got to pay employees I got to do this. I got to do that. I got to do this. I got to do that. Nobody fucking knows

Yeah, I'm hoping that there's some sort of There is a silver lining folks. I give you my fucking word as a man. I've always had faith In what what higher power? I don't know but I've always had faith And I'm telling you guys Please don't be down There's gonna be a silver lining out of all this There's gonna be a silver lining out of all this. We don't know what it is right now So before you go down and start writing yourself off and start packing your bags

I want you to think of the silver lining that's gonna come from this man I'm listen. I feel as bad as all you do, but I know I know there's a silver lining in this We're all gonna learn what we need What we don't need what we can live with what we can't live with a lot of people gonna go, you know what? The cable got turned off And I've been fine for the last month You don't know what you could live with until you start living without it

You know, I had a friend of mine who said to me that he uh Cut his life down He cut his bills down by 70 percent A year ago He says he did the math one day And he goes, you know what? Yeah, canceled everything the water

The fucking he bought a water filter right and he figured out that it's cheaper for the filters and it's better for the thing He figured out that he could live without fucking cable and he just uses disney plus He figured out he told me all these things that he could figure out and he's a better man for it people gonna see that People are gonna learn you were living on 24 hundred dollars a month But now you're living on 15 and you're gonna figure out a way on how to do it And make it work and you're gonna put yourself in shock

You're gonna realize a lot of shit you were spending was garbage. Yeah, you know Uh, that's what you're gonna realize from this a lot of this shit you were spending. Do you really need that iphone? I think oh, yeah, do you really need that iphone? What are you gonna take pictures of misery? What are you gonna take a fucking empty bank account of people crying? What are you gonna take pictures of? What are you gonna take pictures of? Yeah, what are you gonna take pictures of? It's over a video of what somebody hanging themselves

What are you gonna take a picture of? So you got to ask yourself what you really fucking need right now You know cut the data down whatever the fuck you need to do you need to do it and you're gonna see that you can live without these things You know the fucking this is expensive write it off You know, you're gonna learn now that you can live without soda You know, there's gonna be a lot of vegans pretty soon Uh, that's the one thing left to do a lot of vegans A lot of motherfuckers gonna be eating beans and rice pretty soon

Again, I've been eating beans and rice already. Ashley. I blew a fucking bean fart before that would shave your eyebrows without a razor Legs bleed No, no, no, no, I'm eating beans already. I'm prepared. I've prepared myself and my family for this You know for years I told my wife we live in earthquake zone buy two of everything every time you go Buy two peanut butters buy two soups buy two Campbell's soup. I got I got more soup than Campbell My last name should be Campbell. Have you opened the peanut butter yet? That's a lot. I'm saving that because if I open the peanut butter I'm gonna I popped that motherfucker open the other night. I had a nice peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Oh, I can't wait Nice job peanut butter because you go through phases of peanut butter and jelly. Oh, I once you eat one you go

Yeah, I haven't had one of these in a long time a nice peanut butter on fresh wonder bread at night That's what I do at night dog before I fucking I save my points for nighttime. I save my fucking eight points Oh lordy Right before my wife goes to bed. That's when I turn the edibles on That's when I popped that last void. I see where I'm at because I start with the edibles about four I don't know how you do it early around seven four because you gotta get the leg going enough is enough The boredom's gotta end. You know I'm saying how long can you talk to yourself for the boredom's gotta end What does that mean get the leg going get let the leg going? You know I'm saying the legs been stiff all day

You gotta get the leg going cock sucker. I don't give a fuck how you do it. You gotta get the leg going So at four o'clock I pop my first fucking edible. Oh my god. I don't do bong hits no more that much My bong is clean. I looked at it today. It's spotless Why did you make that decision to switch from smoking edibles because First off, I'm not getting as high as I was smoking. Okay. That's number one Number two my lungs are shot And number three they said right now if you're a smoker, it's not a good time to be a smoker Yeah, I was thinking about smoke quit and smoking for about a year now

I've been thinking about that. I get high at the weirdest times I don't get as high as I usually get you know urban trees has some fucking serious weed And if that shit ain't getting me high, you know people smoke my weed like I can't come back here no more Fucking there's a lady who comes to my house. He's a nurse To her mother her daughter plays with mercy when she comes over I bring her in the back And I give her a bong hit one day I went back and she was cross-eyed in the living room Just letting my wife give her a fucking earbeat Nobody lets my wife give her an earbeat. She was sitting there taking that earbeat

My fucking she gave her such an earbeat and I thought my hearing aids were gonna explode I was in the other room. I'm like my wife won't shut the fuck up I went in there the poor lady was sitting there stuck to my wife stone to the gill And then she told my wife a couple days later She goes, you know what I kind of quit smoking joey's weed because that shit puts me out for too long She looked like dean delray when she smoked a 24k that day when dean Smoked that sativa had that 24k and that and that stuff just doesn't do anything to you anymore No, it does it does I mean

It gives me a little buzz, but look at last week. We ate the mushrooms. I swear to god I ate two mushroom casserole. Lee was all fucked up. Oh, yeah, they went right through me I fucking spit him the fuck out But I try to switch it up Like I'll switch up edibles I got a thousand milligram brownies from george pares my brother pares stories I got fucking the abx capsules

From my man sam trippley and my man justin over at abx And I have the uh, the thing I gave you the quickies. Oh my god I got that so I'd go in between three edibles So I don't get fucking used to any of them. I don't build the tolerance against any of them. Fuck No, I I've been high almost every night this month. It's a lot. I don't know how you do it that much I'm sick of tired of being bored You know, how long can you be fucking bored for so

The edibles at least breaks up the fucking monotony. I'm not popping them at eight in the morning. That's a problem But come fucking four o'clock. I gotta go. Yeah, I also don't watch the news no more Oh, no, there's no reason to watch the news no more. This it's fucking depressing So I don't watch the news no more, but I promise you motherfuckers There's a silver lining at all this. We don't know what it is yet I know you guys are fucking probably going go fuck yourself joey Trust me. I've been around for a long time and I've been through a lot of shit. This is bad But it's gonna pass

And you're gonna be fine If there's something you want to do This is the time to do it because you have nothing to lose I know schools are closed right now, but I was thinking that the other day I'm thinking if I was at my age right now and wanted to go back to school This is the time to do it. Well, they offer free online classes. Are they really a bunch of colleges? Wow, there's a bunch of people doing free online stuff right now You know, there's a bunch of stuff for you not to be bored

Trust me this week. I'm gonna start on my room My back office is a fucking nightmare This week. I'm gonna do a fucking thorough cleanser that thing, you know, there's a thousand things you could be doing Not to be bored And not to lose your mind so you don't smack your wife or beat up your kid or punch your brother in the stomach or choke your mother There's no reason for all this shit. There's no reason for and you're looking at me going joey. It's easy for you to say no I'm telling you guys I'm panicking too. You know, you got you guys know I suffer from fucking panic attacks

But this is just uh, it's gonna pass And I'll be here with you taking bullets eating shit We're gonna do the podcast as long as we can leak call me. It's like Do I need a letter? We don't need no letter. We just tell the cops we're gonna do the church We're going around the corner get out of the way. What am I john jones? You're gonna pull me over and shit I don't have no gun That was the weirdest story of the fucking week. Really?

Yeah, I'm very sad about that I love john. I love john as a friend. I've always loved john I've known john rogan introduced me to john way before he was a champion and I always had great conversations with him And I was very surprised about the drug allegations. I really really was And uh, I thought he had everything under control Uh this week's You know, the thing that killed him was he put up a tech a tweet that said stay home everybody

In front of the tv. You can't fuck this up And not even oh, yeah, and not even a week later Does he get in trouble for shooting off a gun and drinking tequila? You know, I haven't watched the arrest videos and nothing. They're all over online That's none of my business. My heart just goes out to him and I'm gonna tell you what happened in this situation. Okay When you're I know this years ago when all this stuff started going off with the podcast and rogan and people People started acting differently. You know it makes people act differently

And I had a few people That Were hitting me on facebook. There was a couple people a couple names that you know That i'm not gonna throw them to the bus because I don't give a fuck But there was a lot of people emailing me trying to be my friend, you know, not trying to be my facebook friend But trying to hang out, you know what i'm saying? And I've always told people something. I've never really talked to you guys about it as much as

When you want to change your life, you got to get away from people that take you down Who you hang out with doesn't make a fucking difference in your life. Trust me. I'm telling you Who you consider your friends who you consider to watch you? And when you get into a certain light in your life, you know, for me, I'm just a dirty fucking comic dog That got lucky, you know, I got a gd That was a loser for a long time was a petty thief and I applied my mind to something and I did the best I could with it, you know But for some reason

People get into this position and they surround themselves with people who tell them yes Right, you know people tell you you're great That's the funniest thing I've ever heard and I gotta tell you something If i'm lying to you, it feels good Yeah, it feels good. It feels good when But I want it to come from your soul I also want you to tell me when I suck

You know When uh, my agents or whatever around and and I have a good set I have a good set But if I have a bad set and they come up to me and say that was pretty good I get angry deep down inside Because that was pretty fucking bad I know it. I know when I do something pretty fucking bad and that was pretty fucking bad I lost the heart of yourself in there

You have to be hard on yourself When you're a stand-up comic right we live off our words. So we have to choose our words correctly So when I place a word somewhere wrong, why do something wrong? I do beat myself up We have to I have I just didn't start doing this yesterday. I'm an old man. I've been doing this for 29 fucking years There's no error, you know You know, it's like when I told you guys before when we went into this fucking seclusion shit It was rough on me for a week and then in my journal one day. I wrote something That changed my outlook on everything

I wrote that At the end of the day. I'm not a comic. I'm the man of the house So I have to change my ways. I was starting after the first week of uh, whatever you call this quarantine, right? When my wife and my daughter were in listen, I'd be lying to you if I tell you that There weren't times when I got upset. I was getting upset at little things Like my daughter leaving the light on in the room and or something I was getting upset and I caught myself I caught myself and I said I can't get upset. That's what cabin fever does to you

This is the beginnings of cabin fever I have to learn how to deal with cabin fever. So I even went online Really? Yeah, I even went online because wow because other than colorado and that's where the shining happened Yeah, the movie the shining and there was cabin fever and they always spoke about it People go crazy up here in the snow in the winter and uh, what people don't know is that there's an off season an aspen And all those ski resorts have an off season So a lot of people leave so you live in snowmass village

You move up there like the middle of october You get yourself a job for the winter and then november 15th the ski lifts open and you go straight to april 15th April 16th that town becomes a ghost town That's when you go home and see your mother For a month because all the snow melts All that snow starts to melt you can't do any construction You can't cut grass There's really nothing viable to do

The supermarkets open for limited hours A lot of the businesses closed. They only open for the seasons So aspen has an off season from april 15th till about may 15th or May 30th then things start picking up remember. I told you I moved to snowmass april 25th of 1983 Took me about two weeks to get a job And i'm a hustler It took me about two weeks to get a job because there was nothing there right nothing was really open yet

The streets it snows It still snows a lot, you know like in april the end of april still snowy So every year my wife at the time my girlfriend will go home and see her parents in bolder And I would stay up in snowmass by myself me and a dog and a blender And videos Yeah, so I would shoot down to the video store. I had the keys to it. I ran the video store Command the video So I would go down the hill take two movies out and run back up the hill

I had a punching bag in the garage And I had a job to do I had to shovel the property So for 30 days, that's all I did Was hit the bag shovel the snow throw snowballs for the dog Go to the video store and go shopping. There's nothing open There's no bars The coke dealer was always open that motherfucker don't go nowhere. He's open 24 seven So that month I got used to living by myself

So when this all went down I took a I took a journal and I wrote that i'm the man of the house You know, I have to have a face That has to be happy at all times because shit runs downhill If I'm upset my wife should I be upset the baby's gonna be upset You know After my mother died, I remember like a year afterward I was having a drink with one of our friends this bookie. I'm not though

He was the bookmaker that would always cup his hand and go like that and go bar and fart and stuff And he told me a story. He said that he remembered when I was in the hospital How my mother would get to the hospital 15 minutes before visitation And she would cry downstairs in the lobby And then she would wipe herself up and and wait for him and his brother and it would come upstairs and see me That my mother needed courage to come upstairs and see me because I was her only son And she was scared for me so she would cry, but she would never let me see her cry Like when she would walk up her courage was always big

So my courage was so I wouldn't be scared, right? So I decided that for me to I'm the man of the house At the end of the day, there's no folklore. This ain't no story. I'm the fucking man of the house So I have to act like it. My behavior has to be happy No matter what I'm going through. I got to be in a good mood if I'm going through anxiety I got to be respectful to my wife. My wife is over there dealing with mercy right now You know, yesterday my wife got to deal with it for two hours They do like a church

Wow, because instead of going to church on Sunday My wife takes her in the back and does fucking bible study Wow, you're doing everything at home. Oh, yeah, we're doing everything at the house. That's really impressive, dude I mean, uh, not that you were like an extremely angry person before but like every year around Christmas You always tell me how much I hate this time of year when no one does anything So I just imagine two months of that would be driving you insane Underneath the core It is driving me insane. Anybody who knows me knows I'm going crazy. But back to what you said

There's nothing I could do. I'm not a scientist. I don't have syringes for grad sake. I don't even have a microscope You know what I'm saying? What can I do? Right? What do you want me to do? You want me to bust out my chemistry set and fucking? Cure this shit. I can't cure this shit. I don't know what the fuck to do so You know, there's nothing it's beyond our control So you have to learn to adapt to this type of lifestyle That's it That's it. I get to see you again this week, you know, and that's it. We've been keeping away from each other

We've been trying to quarantine, you know, we've been trying to the more you quarantine The better you are I mean, I don't want to sound cliché Stay the fuck in If you got an amazon box delivered Let it get delivered Put in an area wipe it down and don't open it for a day My wife doesn't open everything that day

She leaves it. We put it in the garage. We want pick it up with gloves Put it in the garage. We don't even walk through the house That's why I don't I don't have a small place. Yeah, I don't even walk through the house I put in the garage And I fucking leave it there for two days. Then I open it up. I just got protein powder. I had no protein powder all week I was living without my little protein shakes I just got honored to send me some more stuff. I got you know You have to just it's a different lifestyle guys and uh

It's not something that You could tiptoe around, you know, you see I got the osium here on my desk I got the cbd lion. I got the fucking cream next to me to keep me moisturized All we could do is take care of ourselves as far as comedy I don't know what to tell you, you know You think about it. You think this is gonna open up No, it's gonna be 10 people 20 people

50 people 100 people It'll be nice though. It'll be stuck next to all those people in the club there. Yeah. No, that'll be nice. That'll be nice for a while Yeah, that'll be nice for a while. But once these animals could get them in they got to make that money too Yeah, everybody's got to make money. So I feel bad for everybody. I know everybody's itchy Everybody's going through a hard time and all I could tell you is Next time you go to your supermarket or CVS Get a notebook

Get a notebook and fucking write it out whatever the fuck you're feeling And you'll feel a lot and that's how I'm keeping it together to be honest with you My notebook is my fucking therapist. That's how I'm keeping it together. You know I've been smoking pot for a long fucking time. I should be ashamed of myself, but I'm not Because when you smoke pot early on like I smoked pot when I was 13 14 15 It really makes you very self-conscious when you smoke pot If you get high sometimes you it's like you

Leave your body and look within And you could see all your little flaws You could say I like you don't know how many times I'll get high and go fuck. I can't believe I said that in the eighth grade Really? Yeah, like I can't believe I said that on stage the other night. You know, I can't believe you know Because it makes you very self-conscious. It gives you an opportunity to step out of yourself and look within, you know And this is what I've been doing for the last three weeks It's just looking within see where I could strengthen myself

I'm 57 years old I don't know how much time I have in this planet. You know, all I know is I take my heart medication every day my little aspirin I work out I lift weights I stretch And I'm just trying to be the best version of me. You know, I got problems just like you guys everybody We all got problems here, but who cares right now right now. We got bigger fish to fry Right now. You got to take care of your family You got to keep your parents up

You know, they feel like monsters now our parents We can't even go see him I know I can't even go see him. My brother Lives in New York and he's actually got an airbnb with his girlfriend for a month in Massachusetts Because New York's so bad right now and he said he told my mom like listen, you can't come visit. This isn't This isn't like a vacation He's got to be away from your mom for two weeks three weeks And then he could go see you a little by little, you know, but we can't get mom sick

You can't get grandpa sick. No, and that's at the whole point of this and you can't listen This ain't even old anymore now. They're saying it killed an infant. Well, you know, what the fuck this could do I didn't do this podcast today to fucking scare you even more. I did this podcast To give you a light to let you know There's a light. There's gonna be light man. Trust what I'm telling you I haven't been through a pandemic before But I've been through what's called problems and you know what? When I was looking at the end of the world

It really wasn't the end of the world. It was just another another day in paradise So grab on to this Hold on to the best you can You know, uh, do all your paperwork Let the government know where you are so you could fucking get your checks. Have they got them coming to you? And yes unemployment's on the way But if you're a sucker and you're really waiting for unemployment to save your dreams You're killing yourself to live if you got a family fucking head to the nearest grocery store

They need stockers like a motherfucker That my buddy I called my buddy And he got a job three days later. They called him. I think he starts next week Working at shop right for 22 a fucking hour And and I just want to say thank you to all those everyone who still is working I wouldn't want to be working out in public right now. Listen. I want to thank the fucking police officers I want to thank the nurses the doctors The restaurant workers everybody who's out there right now. I appreciate you

With everything I got and when the fucking storm clears Trust me. We're gonna fucking lay it out for you. We're gonna line up Benefits for nurses benefits for hospitals, you know, I'm looking at this I'm dropping off some food this week at the north hollywood. They just opened up a shelter Last night in north hollywood that it's a covid place and they're looking for towels sweatpants Because they don't want people to be uptight there. So they look at the sweatpants and shirts I'm cleaning out everything tomorrow. I'm taking uh food over there I got some extra corn and shit like that. But I mean the corn I have I can't eat all of it

I got more cream corn than fucking Then that company does so there's a couple things we're gonna give away And I write them a check in the name of the church You know, they're homeless, you know, that's the only way I could help, you know, I've called the comedy store And uh, I told them once this goes up, we're gonna do something for the waitresses and waiters if they stick around Uh, you know, you got to do what you got to do right now. Just listen Right now you've had a job for a long time and they lay you off you collect an employment And you got another way to make money

Listen, the only loyalty you have is to your family That's the only loyalty you have is to your family And to yourself Everything else is background music. You got to keep the lights on So, uh, I wish you well Thank you for listening today I got no dates for you because they no fucking dates. So it's fun. We could just relax Sit back and be fucking buddies for once and not worry about fucking comedy and just have a great fucking time

This is what I'm talking about here. Like I said I've gone through this shit all my life for me. There's just another day in paradise We got to cut back adjust But at the same time you got to move forward and that's what I want all you motherfuckers to do Before I wrap it up real quick. I want to talk to you about cbd right here. This is the best cbd lion dot com I'm holding up my cream. This is the odorless 900 milligram extra strength This is what I use every day on my legs and I don't have that alligator skin no more

I'm not gonna lie to you. I have alligator skin on my legs. I started putting this on I also cut my nut sack with it two some times Just cup it a little cbd off No, no, no little cbd all on your nut sack to eliminate the wrinkles So don't look like the back of knees leaves neck. I don't want my nut sack to have that weird look through it I'm getting old my nuts are getting brown like uh, you know, I really I don't know what the fuck's happened Right. I've never seen this brown skin before in my life Uh, but cbd lion is the best in my book from the tinctures to the gummy bears

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cbd lion dot com my bookie they pay attention to details cbd lion dot com is one of those companies Stop buying cbd lotions and fucking these different douchebag places Go to cbd lion right now. Look at the selection. They got you know what do me a favor just start with the raspberry gummies It's going to blow your fucking mind start with those and then get back to me go right now cbd lion dot com And press in church boom Get 20% delivered right to your fucking crib You don't need to leave the house and they deliver quickly too. I hit my man Andy up two three days. I got a fucking box

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Slash joey for 50 bonus Kick this fucking virus league. Anyway, that's it I'll see you guys wednesday morning Tip top magoo ready to go hold on I love you motherfuckers, but all my heart. I really fucking do I appreciate you for listening I appreciate you for sporting us and I appreciate you busting my balls and still being around It's a tough time. We got each other and I mean that with all my heart. I love you guys I hope you're well. Have a great day and go out there and fucking plan your next move

There's always a silver lining kick this fucking meal. Lee