Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #774 - Joey Diaz: Felony Favors and Reinventing Yourself

Episode Date: April 2, 2020

Joey Diaz talks about how he learned to make money while incarcerated, and how he's using those lessons today. We also learn what Felony favors are! Stay healthy!  This podcast is brought to you by: ForHims- Go to ForHims.com/church to get a free online visit.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a 10% discount on your first order.

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We're going deep into the murky waters today My main man is here Lisa. Yeah. Hello. I want to talk to you guys about a couple things, you know We're going through tough times right now. It's kind of funny I was thinking about what I told you guys there that I'm back on a prison schedule And it's so weird because I've been through this Something that makes you change your life is a strong thing and I've been through this before Three fucking times. I've been through three life changes in my life one when my mother died Which was similar to this this is why I have the same feeling as my stomach as if somebody died

Because life as we know it has died Number two when I went to prison And number three when I got divorced So after a while you start learning how to cover your ass When I went to prison I spent all my money on the attorney. I had a little bit of money put away on the side To take care of myself while I was in prison But I knew that money wouldn't

End that I had to do something while I was in prison To make money and the third one is when I went and got Divorced I lost my job because you guys forget I worked for my wife I worked for my wife's family. They were my brother-in-law's They paid me great money. But once I got separated They made some excuse up how they got slow and they went to jersey and picked up a job In other words telling me to go fuck myself with what which left me with my dick in my hand Which is going on right now right now you're feeling like you got left with your dick in your hand

Like everybody's feeling like Jesus Christ What the fuck is my next move? Well, I'll tell you what man This is why I wanted to talk to you about this today because I was thinking after I said it I got in the car and I got a couple emails about it and it's true Now is the time to reinvent yourself in a fucking weird way when I went to prison I was scared the way we are right now. We always scared in the beginning Like what's gonna happen once it settles in with you, which it has with a lot of years I hope that this is settled with you. I hope that you still think that the

Chinese smuggle that listen whatever happened It doesn't matter whatever happened at this point our lives have fucking changed. That's all we know right now We're in the house. Some of us lost our jobs Some of us are waiting for unemployment. Some of us are waiting for the stimulus check But I told you the other day I go listen go over the fucking your supermarket and apply for a job Some guy wrote back. I got a job, but they only want to pay me 960 That's 960 you wouldn't have got before, you know, if it fucks up your unemployment, then I wouldn't take it either I wouldn't take it either. I'll swallow the three weeks and sit at home

But for right now while you're waiting even 960 an hour With some overtime is a lot better and some acid pay Is a lot better than fucking sitting at home. But anyway When I got locked up, you know, you're going inside And here I'm still used to wheeling and dealing every day And in those days I sold cars and I worked for a roof. I did a thousand things But guys I always wheeled and deal I always had somebody calling me going. Hey, I don't know. I feel weird asking you. Do you know why I can get an ounce of

Cook No, not really. Yeah, I know Hey, it's thursday. Do you know I get 100 fucking sleeping pills? No, I don't know. Yeah, I fucking know, you know Do you know why you get a machine gun? Yeah, I know you know, I was one of those type of guys I did felony favors. I charged you 20 percent. That's what it's called. It's called the felony favor And you know before I went to jail, I would do them for free like I would help Yeah, I'll get it. I'll get your bazooka if you want to kill your mother. I don't give a fuck I would get you the bazooka

Because I knew different people sold different things. So You know, I'm the type of guy if I could make a if I can make a fucking dollar. I'm making a fucking dollar That's how it was raised. That's that's what living day to day is so When I got locked up, I didn't know what the fuck to do. Well, you can't do nothing, right? You can't do nothing You got locked up I was in bolder the first day and then they sent me to fucking summit county jail And they told me I was gonna be there for three months I ended up being there for like fucking seven or eight days

And I went right to canyon city to get fucking processed Processing took five days You waited another three or four days and some fucking in ward way or some shit I waited And then they took me to camp george. Uh, they took me to fucking camp george west I get the camp george west. I think I had like 38 dollars. You were allowed to have money in your pocket Wow, because you you were allowed to go to the store for 20 minutes That has to have changed by now, right? Yeah. No, no now. They don't let you out of the fucking building probably Oh, no, I mean even with the money. Yeah, they don't let you but then they let you have cash in your pocket

You can have up to 30 dollars or 40 dollars or something like that Because you could go to the store every day In the mornings when you wake up you'd sign up to go to the store And they'd let you walk they could see you walk from the prison All the way to the store and all the way back So it was no big thing. It was like a block and a half and it was good for you. You got to go out and exercise a little bit So, uh, you know, I get to fucking prison I don't know what I got on my books a hundred dollars whatever

Some friends sent me money like, you know, when I got locked up some people put money on my books and shit But I knew that shit would end. I like to fucking, you know, I like to eat At that point I wasn't a fat fuck, but at night you get bored in prison You don't even need edibles to eat you get bored. It's fucking you got to eat, you know, so I get the I get the prison. I got to figure out how to make a buck. So first I started out as a baker A baker was like a 35 cents an hour 35 cents an hour they pay you to be a fucking baker And I had to work like all these fucking hours. I think I purposely blew up the

I made cinnamon buns, but I made them really big And they almost blew up the fucking oven and they got really big So the guy was like, dog, you don't know what you're doing. Like I tried to tell you that I tried to tell you that when you hired me. They didn't even fucking ask me like, did you ever get hepatitis? I'm like hepatitis. They're like, no hired That's all that was the prerequisite for 35 cents an hour. That's really all the 35 cents an hour. That was my prerequisite Was fucking did you ever get hepatitis? No hired

So i'm in the fucking kitchen blowing up ovens and shit The oven goes on fire one morning. He calls me the guy's name was mr. Yaburo This guy was six foot six. What do you want to do big? Black and bold. I mean this guy was just big. He made patrice. Oh neil god rest his soul looks like a fucking midget Really? Oh, this guy was bigger and black. He was in the navy for 90 years He had just retired mr. Yaburo Black and he would yell and shit and call you stupid I don't want to know what he did. Oh, and he would torture black people because he hated negroes

He was like one of those black people that hated Black people from being in the service like he hated worthless black people and guys with dreadlocks and shit So he would torment them from kitchen guys. He tormented his own black people more on the white dudes Like he was such a navy guy. So Mr. Yaburo cut me a deal. He goes man I gotta get some help with this stock and nobody knows how to do it I had a guy that was in here for like fucking four years And he had the job down to a science

I go, what's that job pat? He goes $1.35 an hour. Uh-oh And i'm like, oh Shit and how much do you make how many hours a week because i'll give you 40 But he goes you only work like two hours a day You got to come in of course you fall into the sword. Oh right off the fuck two days in the fucking joint You gotta know your job But remember I also have a license. I also have a high school diploma I was also going attending a college when I got arrested all these things were happening not not to be rude

Was it a real diploma or was it a fake one? Did you lie about the diploma or did you or did you have your g ed? I had my gd. I had my gd After I got arrested I went and got my gd got it. Okay, so I got my gd in between Me getting on bail And me getting arrested and me good getting sentenced. I'm sorry. I got my gd got into the university, colorado legitimately And was about to start classes for the fall remember. I got sentenced august 15th so I get now i'm making a buck 35 an hour

40 hours a week, but i'm really working too. I got to go in early in the morning I got to wait for the fucking shipments Of meat and bread and milk and all that shit And then at four I got to go check out and make sure they got everything Like I got to go at 4 30 before they start dinner and go do you guys need vegetables? Whatever they need I have to bring it over on a wheel cart That was a long fucking walk, but I didn't give a fuck it burned time, you know And I was trying to get in shape trying to stay in shape. Yeah

But I knew that $1.35 is $1.35 times $40. I don't know what it came out to 40 something dollars or some shit I wasn't getting fucking rich, but I wasn't doing drugs either. So I figured out that if I wanted I they had a chinese restaurant Next to the deli, right? So i'm like I went back one day and I go does anybody ever get chinese food? And they're like, yeah, sometimes but nobody really Like nobody really has the money for chinese food. I'm like, how much is fucking chinese rice? It was at that time it was 250 for a pint

Damn, so I would bring a pint of chinese rice back I would call it and nobody figured out how to do it to call it in And go I'll be there one fucking 15 make sure that rice is ready. I'm coming from the Prison across the street and the lady would go, okay, we wait And I would run over there. I get whatever I had to the chinese place or right next to the store So I would run into the store get milk eggs whatever I needed for that night But let's get to that. So at first I would just buy like bags of chips You know, maybe another guy didn't want to go out

Maybe you didn't want to go out, but you didn't you were broke and I brought you something back to make your day I was one of those guys so I'm making a buck 35 and I'm like this ain't gonna fucking work This just ain't gonna fucking work and I become friends with a mafia dude A fat little mafia dude Until this day. I can't remember what his fucking name is. I've tried real hard And he used to cook every day Every day he would cook

From a fucking if he would take the inside of an iron And make spaghetti sauce with stewed tomatoes And make spaghetti he knew all the brothers in the kitchen So he would make spaghetti for them and they cut a deal. So I tapped into him He came to me one day and he goes dog. What do you got for supplies in the back? Do you have any cheese? I'll make nachos for us So I started getting them fucking cheese from the kitchen Stealing right and I cut him a deal like I bring you the cheese. I get two orders of nachos

Nice boom. So I started with two things of nachos At least I got the nachos. Okay. So every night I had nachos Your two orders every night every fucking night because I would give him fucking but they were little orders Okay, that's a good little fact. He's fucking orders. No, they're not no What do you think this is fucking toss of the mesa? I don't know. This is just a little is a little white dude that made nachos with cheese And he put jalapenos in it It sounds good and we fucking drink it with sodas and shit. There was a soda machine So when they figured out I go you're a fucking savage. I go, why don't I bring you like white bread?

And you can make grilled cheese sandwiches On the stove nice So he started making grilled cheese sandwiches and I would sell them 50 cents And we split the fucking money. He also ran a book making operation. He had like one He would run numbers, you know those cards those bedding slips, right where you fucking have the the boxes Like I never did that before in my life. I never even knew what a box was. I swear to god like people put Superbowl, yeah, yeah, they do for the Superbowl. We were doing it for everything. Oh damn. No, he was doing it for football Okay, okay

So I came along and I'm like you're doing this for football And I go, how do you do it this and he goes if I fill up one card it's a lot Because I can't get through the other guys a lot of the inmates don't like me I go, well, fuck I run the fucking kitchen anything that has to go down with me. So I got the brothers It the the kitchen was just eight black guys and two white dudes I still remember the other white dude. I still think about him because he was Very scared. He was a rich white kid that got drunk and killed somebody

and of in a gun DUI In 1987 and he was serving six years for Manslaughter and he was scared. So I kind of took care of him. He was a nice white kid He was funny. He was dorky and the and the brothers liked him. So he had protection Nobody's gonna fuck him in the ass and nothing like that. It was fine So for me I would take that I asked him one day. I go, can I get a shot at selling these cards?

Because I could talk to the mexican. I was gonna say you basically made yourself a partner. I could talk to the black guys I would go in the fucking laundry room and the black guys would be playing dominoes Listen to fucking don't be cruel by bobby brown. You think I'm fucking kidding you That was the album of the fucking year. It was bobby brown solo album. So they would be in there fucking I give you cause diamond rings. I just about giving you everything All that shit. They'd be fucking jumping up and down. They'd be 20 black guys in there So they needed food too. So I started I the the leader of the black dudes worked in the kitchen

His name was chicken hawk And he was pretty much in charge of the fucking kitchen His nemesis was graveyard Oh, shit a black guy that they called graveyard. He had he had his own troop of black dudes And where's mr. Yarbrough mr. Yarbrough's in the kitchen. He's the supervisor in the kitchen He's in charge of the kitchen So the two gangs we had in the joint were chicken hawk From louisiana and then his nemesis his enemy was graveyard

This black dude that that used to walk around with an afro and a fucking his pick on an afro So I didn't fuck around with graveyard too much. I I fucked around with chicken hawk and then the other black dude. I fucked it was the krip He was a krip a stone cold krip I think he was a rolling krip. I'm not sure. I don't want to say something that's incorrect Well, the other krip I don't know the krips that won't there's another side of krips from the rampart krips I think there's like a gang over there

And he was in charge of delivering cocaine from la to colorado, but we're getting ahead of ourselves. So Me and the italian dude I swear the guys god when I got together with him like the second week of september He was moving one card a night I came into the operation During football season We did two cards on monday night football And probably 10 cards on sunday

Saturday college football, we'd do 10 fucking cards and once basketball came. I really got the troops going Brothers love basketball And we would make den bunuggett things. So guess what bro? I started making 40 60 70 dollars And then I did my greatest fucking trick of all time guys Now you're thinking like joey, how did you come up with these schemes? I didn't I didn't write the book on these schemes Hunger motivated me. I was forced the same way We're getting forced right now to switch careers and switch jobs and think of what else is next

And think of what our next move is is the same thing I was facing in 88 when I got locked up It's no different. That's why I've accepted this for what the fuck it is You take this you take this whatever your strength is right now You fucking attack it and you you know, you just have to work all fucking strength That's it. I don't give a fuck what they tell you to get through this thing that we got right now You got to go on there like a fucking animal now I'm not I'm not proud of these things I did But I had to eat and I had to stay alive

And this is what you do to survive to survive. This is what you need to do remember I always tell people I know what you got to do This is what you need to do because if not, I would have got eaten up alive in there Well, because it's something that you've said from the beginning Is like you can't go the way everyone else is going because like those online job postings now that were terrible before this happened Everyone in the country is home looking at those right now. Forget about all that. Just go to your local supermarket And stock shelves at night for right now

Until at least you have a fucking job Yeah, you get a mask like I got on right fucking now. I got a mask on right fucking now. Why it's bad out there This is the week it's gonna get bad these next two weeks are gonna be crucial next sunday. We'll be doing a podcast on zoom We'll be doing a podcast on zoom Because my wife our landlord died on friday. So sad. He got on monday and he died on friday out here I don't know where he lived. I know glendale's got a high amount of whatever, but I mean Yeah, I'm not here to talk to you people. We've been I don't want to talk about this shit. Let's talk about how we can get ahead All right, so what's the greatest disappearing act? I did two disappearing acts in colorado

That will make you fucking fall off your chair Why i'm doing all this shit. That's what opens up A job for a fucking jailhouse attorney Do you have to be a Lawyer like the house to protect people when they get in trouble right but how are there any requirements? You have to be the requirements try to take a test and all the rules of the prison system Okay, and then with your intelligence you could whatever and you had to go in there with your defendant and fight for him Oh, so like two months in I applied for that job and I got it all the way from baker to lawyer

That was already another 40 bucks. It was like a dollar ten an hour. So I'm like fucking live. I got two jobs I'm joey two jobs in jail. I'm a fucking kitchen stock. Oh, you kept that job. Yo, you fuck. Yeah, I kept it I'm a workaholic, you know me. I got time to fucking sit in my fucking room and stare at the ceiling And think about what could have been I don't have that type of luxury at 25 At 25 you weren't gonna get me at all to sit out. You were still making the minimum wage Oh, and I was and I didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck. I just wanted to make money So now I did my biggest disappearing trick I'm sitting there one day

And like I said, let's just say this guy's name was john clark Fuck it. Who cares it was John Okay, he was out of philly if he's still alive god bless you Because I love you at all my heart you bad white motherfucker John clark had killed a dude in philly And he was just a bad ass white dude. Okay. He was an irish bad ass white dude Didn't even look irish

He looked like something out of a fucking like a killer movie He just had that personality had just been done He was in his last two years of a 16 year sentence He was an interesting guy. He was a part of People who hate, you know Black people and jews and spanish people But him too Had some jew in them because he did business with me

So that's just to show you I don't care if you hate white black green purple No, I don't care if you heard I don't care if you heard if you if you hate brown You know, whatever color jews are tanned Whatever color green chinese people you always love the color green So john clark was a dude you just can't that's another thing like you people who would like There's people who just invite themselves on the podcast Like in prison you get smacked for inviting yourself Like I could never come up to you and go a leak and I talked to you for a second

I have a proposal for you Can I do this and this and they look at you like you don't even know me the next time you disrespect me I'm gonna knock the fuck out of you. That's how real it is. So how are you supposed to do it? There's a way to do things. Okay One way is to show up how you show up. You got to show up with an envelope Yeah So he was pretty much in charge of the Aryans and he talked to me when I got locked up It was the Aryans they hung up by themselves

Then you had the bikers that hung up by themselves. We could all fuck them up their their leader I forget what his fucking cunty fucking name was. He was a cunty. You hate his bikers I hated at that time. I was mad at bikers because the guy who ratted at me was a biker So I had seen through the whole facade So now I get locked up and there's this this fucking biker crew in there And the the low guy in the totem pole always thought he was tough and I fucked them up before I got out But before we got put his piece of shit in his drawer

I took a shit and put an american cheese box and put it in his drawer, but let's not get to this So I'm making the 40 bucks a week from the fucking From the being the attorney at the jail, right and I'm I'm a fucking upscale Convict like I'm upscale like people like oh my god. You're doing such a great job of me while I'm gambling I'm promoting gambling. I'm inciting gambling because every card I sold I made 20 bucks And then not not not to go too far away. Is this also at the point when you're doing the acid You were telling us about a week or two ago. Yeah, so we were also doing acid like on sunday nights me Jesus the librarian at torey pile

We were all doing acid on sunday nights not every sunday Just some sundays sundays. We did acid on sundays because it was the simpsons It was uh, not the simpsons, uh You know lost and married lost and married Okay, yeah, um, whatever it is family something for yeah, it was that it was america's Imprisoned everybody watches america's most wanted Every night stuck on sunday nights when that show first came out when I was locked up in 88 That's what you watch. You couldn't even talk

During america's most wanted because there was always one guy that said I know that dude Right, so there was always one dude who said that so not only was on attorney And or whatever so now there's a hole in the system. I'm not doing drugs But I know who's doing drugs At that time there was one two there was like maybe seven or eight Uh, you know army barracks. Okay that they converted into prisons And I knew who was doing drugs. There was like three barracks that were they were there together because they were heroin heads And I and there was meth heads

And they didn't call them meth back there. They called it speed and they were the guards were breaking it in or something No, so there was two ways There's one way to bring in drugs. Okay, and that's the girl puts the balloon filled with heroin She the swallows it like three days before and shits it off in the jail There's a thousand ways all there is to check that puts it in her pussy Takes the balloon out of a pussy Puts it in her mouth makes out with you and then you shit the balloon out

five okay, okay, so They always search you on the way back from visitation But there was one way That I knew you could get drugs in I had heard about it But I had the magic answer to how to do it You ever driving around and you go on 101 or 405 one of your roots And you see guys picking up papers. Uh-huh. Okay

That's how you smuggling drugs into prison Oh, okay. Okay, so I figured out a way the reason why I had to go there early in the morning Was to give them the supplies they would give me what they needed for the menu So I would walk and get everything they needed meat potatoes 10 pounds of garlic whatever they needed I would get it from the stock Bring it back. And then my second job Was to get a crate Three crates of lunches and I would put them in the back of a two-wheel drive

Toyota truck a little long bed truck. Mm-hmm, and I would drive it To a different location So I would drive it to a different location. Okay, whatever they're picking up trash. What's that? Wherever they're picking up trash wherever they were picking up trash. So He would tell me That morning At 7 30 when I went to pick up whatever He would tell me hey, do you know how to get to

I 70 in this street They're gonna be working over on the Whatever side of the road today. Wow So the first couple times I did it I didn't really think anything of it You know I'm saying like I didn't think of anything of it And then one day I go, what am I doing? This is money

So You didn't think about leaving you thought about using that information What do you mean leaving? I don't fucking leave. What are you retarded? Why would I leave? I'm not leaving I knew where we were gonna they were gonna be that morning, right? So what I would do is I would run over To the back he would that tell me where I was going. I would run over to the back And then I would go to john clark

And tell him Where they were going John clark would walk around the back To a black kid Give him his girlfriend's number and a quarter And that guy would get on the payphone called john clark's girlfriend And tell him where to meet john clark while he was picking up

garbage So she would go and throw a balloon out And put it in like a baggy So when he was picking up stuff, he knew exactly where to go And pick up the bag Fuck sometimes he would swallow the balloon or I would wait for him at the gate And talk to the guard and they wouldn't be searched

Wow And every day you would do this three days a week So I would either do it with john clark Or this mexican kid That's crazy See you had four jobs in person. I pretty had but that was my biggest money maker Because john clark was giving me like a hundred bucks a week Wow

So what whatever like how did you hide all this money because Didn't you see you can only have 40 bucks? I would hide it in my storage Oh I would hide it in the storage There was a tree close to the storage So I dug up this thing by the tree so it wasn't really on my property, but it was They couldn't come to me and I also had steroids there And drugs so I charged a vig on that also

Now when in my life was I sitting there going when I go to prison? I know exactly what I'm going to do right never I didn't know this I thought I'd always go to prison, but I didn't even know these opportunities were there This is the same thing that's going on now with us We don't know what's going to happen to the smoke clears Once the smoke cleared I went to work Did I ever dream of being a jailhouse attorney? Yeah, I mean that's all our dreams. We all wake up every morning going

You know what? I think I'm going to go to prison so I could be a jailhouse attorney You know, none of us have that fucking dream, but this is what I had to create from my setback Well, you said something on the last podcast and stuck with me And you're like, oh, but joe I want to be a ballerina or whatever you said Okay, well that's over for now Well, you got to do what you got to do for now like it's not we're told there's no ballerina It's not necessarily like forever. No, there's no ballerina

And I think that's one of the hardest one of the things that you learn coming out of college is That it's not just up It's not just oh you get a better job at a better job at a better job And then your ceo by the time you're 30 you have a mansion is you're gonna lose a job or You're gonna have to move or your parents get sick like it's there's downs to it, too There's oh and you have to adjust You have to adapt Life was not given to you. That's what problems with people are they a lot of people are scared of the future right now

Which they should be Which they should be and they have no, no, no, I'm not trying to scare people. I'm trying to be honest with you If you don't think I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared for my daughter I'm scared for my friends. I'm scared for my family. I'm scared for you guys What's gonna happen? Are you gonna lose your houses? Do you lose your cause? Do you lose your lives? What happens? I'm scared. I'm I'm scared. Also. What's gonna happen after this? I There's a big difference between

Somebody me taking a week off and somebody telling me I can't do comedy But in my mind, this is the way I'm thinking about comedy right now I'm thinking about comedy in the way as Um It's better to quit ahead than just quitting Like I know that comedy is out of my life for about six months. Wow It's not just when they all go back to it, but going back to the prison thing You know

Here I was the jailhouse attorney But at the same time I was also Helping two guys bring drugs in for them to make money and them give me a piece of the action When I got out of prison, I think the day I got out I had like 900 bucks cash And then they gave me like 180 or something to go to the halfway house The state gives you a check for 180. I showed up at the halfway house like with a thousand bucks like what the fuck's going on?

They go you can't walk around with more than 40 bucks in your pocket And I'm like fine. I just started a bank account But when I came out of prison, I came out with mine. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's great. And it's not money I mean, it was 900 hours. Does it mean negative? Yeah, no, it's better than way better than being negative and you gotta remember I was buying Chinese food every day every day every day Every day I was eating like a king in there, but I was also running. I was lifting

I was walking around that fucking place. I was 25 years old Right. I took up jogging in prison And it carried out for maybe a year and a half After I got out I jogged every day And that's I then I got presided in my heels and that's what ended it my running career From getting the spurs in my heels and and that's what would hurt my feet But when I got into when I got in prison, I was not lazy at all There was no way first of all you had black and white TVs except in the age unit

The age unit has a color tv And the other tv's a little eight by tens black and white. I'm not into watching black and white tv You know what I'm saying? Fuck you. Fuck you. I rather Fuck and watch tv. So uh I didn't like watching tv in the daytime I always kept busy man. That's the main thing to do You know, I didn't I was going into the unknown not knowing the same as now when I got locked up

I didn't know if I was gonna get out in february march a year They sentenced me to four years. I went into the unknown not knowing when I got in there. I also discovered house rule 1440 which says first time offender Nonviolent your sentence gets cut in half. I'm the one who sent that to my attorney and my attorney knows I knew about I wasn't gonna put it up for the appeal That was what your appeal was about

But I had already found all that stuff out on my own once I got locked up But the point of this whole story. I just told you was that When I got in there, nobody knew nothing I didn't know these opportunities are going to be available to me. Some I some fell on my lap And some I created as creepy as they sound Well, and that shit didn't even stop it. They carried over when I got into the halfway house Guess what I became in the halfway house a loan shark Because nobody gets paid till friday, but they want their rent on thursday. They do that to you on purpose

So you won't have the rent. So you can't go out for the weekend Oh They did that to you on purpose. So they wanted you to be at one ahead So usually it took people like four months to get one ahead pay up the week ahead and then now They pay on friday, you know what I'm saying? So but they didn't give a fuck They made that rule for a purpose. So you didn't have to go out on the weekend It won't That's why they made that rule room for uncle Joey when there's a uncle Joey comes in

I come in I give you the 75 but you got to give me back 105 For one day Something it's 20 bucks 25 bucks for one day loan. I had 10 of those guys I yeah, that's definitely a skill and I was even before you brought this up today. I was thinking about uh Josh Wolf when he was young and had had the peanut butter and jelly delivery service Like if you ever wanted to do something with food now, that's the time to do it All that but there was a problem there because he had to get a kitchen and all that shit

Well, you also can't be a loan shark the idea was great I mean the idea was great that josh had but that's What this is you you're getting put you're getting a gun put to your head and told what to do How to earn in a minimal amount of time, right? What do you think you have to you know? So I don't want nobody that at home listening to this to think that you're fucking stuck in any way You have options. I'm not saying fucking. I didn't tell you this story so you could go out and fucking smuggle weed or

Or whatever the fuck we're talking about here I'm telling you this story so you know that this is the same situation. I went through In 1988 I I've gone through the situation three times like I tell you when my mother died I had to figure it out When I went to prison I had to figure it out And then when I got divorced I had to figure it the fuck out when I got divorced I got divorced in 91 which made me 28 years old right before I got I got into comedy I knew nothing about nothing. I knew how to fucking Work I knew how to make a little bit of money

But I didn't know anything about the real world when that woman left me my fucking life. We shattered And if anybody who's been left by a wife or broken up with a wife or something like that I mean you and paul was something different that's boyfriend and girlfriend. No, no I'm talking about when you're married and you have a wife and you've been through hell for six years or seven years And and then I had to be fucking let loose It was rough man It was rough at first, you know, uh And again, guess what I did then I become a neon salesman

And I started making money with neon because I put my mind to it. So what did that entail? I had a do you think I ever oh, yeah, I woke up when I was eight years old one day and said Oh when I got older I want to sell neon. No It it let me do comedy It let me do comedy I didn't want to and I had to get every morning every day. I would wake up and go to fucking kinkos When kinkos was around this kinko still around. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's mixed with phoenix In kinkos I would go to kinkos in the morning

And then make a hundred copies of fucking a sheet of paper And it would be like this sheet of paper But I would put it on a sheet a thicker sheet of paper And I would walk into strip malls And just hand them to people going to that place of business. How you doing? My name is joe here. Take a look at this flyer and people go. Oh, thank you Some people throw it away. It's like mitch headberg's joke here. You throw this away. Yeah It was one of those jokes, but some people would look at it and go neon

I was looking for a neon open sign You never know it's a number Yeah, so This is what I'm saying to you. Hold on Well, I mean, I was talking to our buddy george and he said that like there's a lot of cleaning jobs right now Like you never like even though there are jobs ending. There's a lot of stuff That's opening right now. No, there's listen if you're home right now and you're feeling a little fucking down and you know like It's over

I don't want you to bullshit yourself. Uh life is not going to be the same as it was before but I will tell you one thing that you could make a difference You could go out there and do something just to keep the lights on right now Just to keep the lights on to make yourself feel better to take your mind off this shit To take your mind off this shit, even if it's at night. Just going to a supermarket I still want you to stay home and mind your fucking business But it's pretty tough to fucking stay home And just let the four walls creep around you. I'm I'm here to tell you

I'm going through the same thing that you guys going through You know, I get out two hours a week to do the podcast My wife made me war fucking mass today. If not, she said don't come back She made me fucking war mass. Uh, so You know, this is the week when it's getting serious and next week. So I mean, I get it that you don't want to fucking be bored, but you can exercise in your house It's better than going to a fucking park and walking behind some guy that's jogging and he's got it He's a carrier and you're running right behind them. Yeah, you're taking care of yourself

If I see more than five people, I don't go there In today's world, that's what you need to do. You see more than three or four people You don't want to go there because you know what eventually they're gonna break the barrier. So why fuck around? Okay, I came out here today to talk to you guys. We're going on zoom next week So for the next couple see we had guests We had a tremendous fucking march planned and we had the beginning of april fucking tremendously planned But all this shit took us down. We're back to us. I don't give a fuck You know me I come in here to tell you guys the truth and bust your balls for an hour

But we're going to zoom on sunday so we could start getting guests again At least local guests so they don't feel bad. I don't feel bad leaders don't feel bad But at least you guys could keep entertained and you guys know I got you back And I love you with all my heart. We're gonna try to keep doing this As long as they let us, you know as long as the cop like lisa don't even let her to drive over You don't need dick the cops get behind you just press go You say that and I call you joey They arrest him and can you come get me? No wrong number. I'll pay pal. No worry. Yes

You're gonna leave me in there. No, I'm not gonna throw you in jail They're gonna give you a fine, you know, I don't want them to give you a fine But most importantly, I didn't want You to get sick for a stupid move or for me to get sick I've been on you for the last two weeks To get healthier to stop with this fucking cough and to get to the bottom of this because we can't be around each other I have a six year old a seven year old and I have my own responsibilities So from now on everybody around me. I mean, I don't want nobody around me for the next couple weeks

Uh stand up. I don't know what's happening. You don't know what's happening. I don't have a fucking crystal ball neither do you so Until I know I'll keep you posted on dates and what not. Listen, you're not alone number one You're not the only one who's going through this Okay, everybody's going through this right now. Take a breath deep breath Look up. Be thankful for your life. Be thankful. They gave you another fucking day and mind your business. Don't go out There's nobody you need to know. No, no, no, no, no, nothing If you need coffee from starbucks hang yourself now Stop it. You don't need no fucking coffee from starbucks. You're going out for the essentials. Okay

You're not going out for don't go to fucking a big supermarket. Do not go to a big supermarket You cannot be this dumb and if you go shopping, it's at 801 at 701 Go to those side little supermarkets like a little hindu market They got fucking the essentials in there. You know what I'm saying? They got curry which you're not gonna buy and hummus which you're not gonna buy But they got milk. They got bread. They got eggs. They love eggs. The hindus love eggs If anybody's got an egg right now, it's the fucking hindus. Okay, and I love them. I you know, I ain't mad at nobody I'm just telling you the truth

Do not go to those big chains. Please do it for your uncle joey You know where the little ones are you drive by them every day. They got the essentials Ground beef is ground beef. Just don't buy it at a bat market. All right Don't buy it at a bat market ground beef is ground beef. So you can still make your fucking meatballs You can still make your speed spaghetti sauce. You can still do whatever. Listen for these next two weeks I'm trying with all my heart not to get a foot You know, I've been dying without my fucking burrito my bean and beef my bean and cheese burrito Really? You like that much? I love it. I love beans. Okay

But I can't go there because there's always there's no social distancing right and that there's people sitting and eating there So that scares the shit out of me. I want to support local people You know, I want to support local people If you once you told me you weren't eating out no more No, I can't you can't if you're not eating out then I'm not eating out So I'm trying to support the places like I've been craving fucking sushi. I'll meet you I've been craving sushi more than all you motherfuckers But do I go? No, so I don't want to fucking hear nobody fucking crying

We're gonna deal with the guidelines. We're gonna do what the fuck they tell us to do and that's it And this all fucking pass I get to live you get to live your parents get to live Your grandparents get to live. This is a happy ending If you don't fucking stay home, it's only gonna get worse the next I don't know you're hurting I know you miss this listen go to the liquor store again Not the popular liquor store go to the ones where the real alcoholics go You know I'm saying when you go there you see three guys fill not a lot of a lottery ticket If there's three guys filling a lottery ticket, you're at the right place

Those guys are looking for a paid day. They take care of themselves. They know a better day is coming Those little generic gamblers right now because there's nothing to gamble on Right, so right now they're just paying lick tickets. They're just banging out tickets You can't even go to Vegas So you can't even gamble only my bookie can help you out with the gambling if you want to play cards Shit like that. They got the online casino. They can help you But I mean gambling on sports and just typical gambling and all that shit's dead That shit's dead as we know it so

I'm gonna go open these immigrants So go to the go to the go to the I hate them like your store I'm fucking believable I'm never going to sit in front of my place speaking that Shit while I'm trying to do a fucking podcast and they're waving at me like you see I'm talking into a microphone. They're waving at me like Hello Unbelievable, I think this is making people dumb as shit too But that's it and that's that man. Those are the rules for the next two weeks. We will be back

Monday morning Nice and early. I will not fucking leave you guys out to dry. I don't do that shit. Like I said Stand up. I don't know what the fuck's going on. I haven't spoken to anybody about that. I spoke to Tom Rhodes I spoke into a couple people I've checked in with Dean Delray Steve Simone Lee I've spoken to Theo I've spoken to Joe I spoke in the Sam So I've kept in touch with the troops. Everybody's fine on our end I love you guys. I love you for supporting us and listen. God bless you guys

Like I said, I know you're hurting But you got to keep moving, you know, I'm getting anxiety too. Lee when I came up here, I don't have anxiety He did. Yeah, I'm surprised. I have anxiety. It's fucking high But I'm making it fucking happen. Okay I want to thank you guys for supporting us. I want you to thank you for listening And I want to thank you for being in thank you for being fucking for your strength Thank you for all the social media love. I'm not I'm there every day fucking with you motherfuckers You know, like I told you yesterday

It's april 2nd jews are mad today. They're fucking serious my rent my rent There's a jew right now fucking burning down his own building It's the first time in the history of fucking life. I have the worst jew didn't get 22 fucking checks on a fucking They're all sitting there scratching at the worst letter. I got a letter, you know, we need our money too So please pay your rent Yeah, that's pretty much what they said. Yeah, they didn't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck about nothing All you hear in this bullshit. There's no man, but there's a mandate Yeah, the mayor the mayor relay said no fucking evictions. So go fuck yourself

You could fucking go on her door knock on her door naked and rip up the check and throw in her face and go There you go And then on top of that take some pubies and throw them in her eyeball too. Who gives a fuck it's minor assault You only do you only do four days like john jones, you know what i'm saying I can shoot a mule and get a dui and do four days tremendous. I love it No, he's got four days of house arrest. Oh, oh, he played guilty to his second dui third on paper And he got four days. I love john jones, but they're not doing nothing to help him But that has nothing to do with me you or anybody else or we need to take care of his ourselves right now

Pray for themselves and you motherfuckers. I love you to death before you go real quick Do me a favor Right now you need supplements more than ever you need To raise your immune system work out breathe stretch A little yoga even i've been my back's fucked up, but i've been throwing punches. I'm gonna go home and Mercy's gonna hit the pads today and we're gonna hit the bag together. We've been hitting the bag together She's strong dude. Maybe that's why your back hurts. No, she is strong But I she hits the pads I hold them for

Listen, I gotta I gotta work her too because she's got the energy of fucking 10 athletes bro, it's it's It's scary. It's tough being a homeschooler, you know I gotta draw a fucking rocket ship today at some point because she's has to draw an astronaut So trust me everybody has it rough right now. Nobody is going through this Slowly my wife is uh, she's not losing it, but the death of Of the property manager hit a little home with her. So I don't want this to happen any of you guys. So please take care of yourselves. I love you real quick

Supplements you gotta go with on it. I love on it. Whether it's the kettlebells Whether it's the club bats You know, but all I can help you with right here is the supplements was the mct oil The new total hemp alpha brain shroom tech shroom tech immune and sport very important at this time New mood very important at this time two days ago. Somebody already jumped off the bridge It's starting a building in new york, you know, I said nobody do this shit. Nobody nobody this should not be entering your mind We're gonna pass through this but to pass through this you need supplements You need help

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For supportness and for staying home and fucking conquering this fucking thing Before it takes us down. Thank you for giving us another week And thank you for listening you bad motherfuckers Stay home and mind your business. All right. I got no dates is over. See you monday morning Nice and early stay black. Have a great weekend. Stay healthy. Stay home and mind your business You don't know fucking nothing. You don't want no immigrants outside your door talking either. Kick this fucking meal, Lee You