Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #776 - Joey Diaz: Truth and Redemption

Episode Date: April 9, 2020

Joey Diaz tells us how homeschooling is going, his thoughts on the response to Louis C.K.'s new special, and has some facts to clear up at the end. Stay healthy!  This podcast is brought to you by: Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase “The Perfect Package” at www.manscaped.com/church   MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo joey to get a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.       

Greetings from podcastville the church of what's happened now is brought to you by Manscape listen there's a public service announcement for you nutsack April is testicular cancer awareness month every hour someone in this country is diagnosed with testicular fucking cancer never mind the fucking coronavirus it's early detected as your best friend it comes to protecting your nuggets all right this month Manscape and the testicular cancer society want to remind you to check your fucking coin sack at least once a month you're sitting at home playing with it anyway like a fucking idiot watching TV your

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fucking American well at my bookie they partnered with the NCAA to bring you 2k madness so tomorrow night you got Michigan versus Kansas and Ohio versus Dayton on the late game come on just because you can't go anywhere and sports to cancel don't mean you can't bet on sports they got live lines on soccer Russian hockey and good old-fashioned pony races and they got casino games who the fuck is that they got a human dealer what are you sitting there for scratching your fucking head like a retard go to my bookie they're gonna give you 50% off your initial bonus off your initial deposit and bonus

funds Joey I don't I can't do the math what does that mean that means that if you put in a nickel if you put in a nickel they're gonna give you fucking 250 if you put in a thousand they give you 500 if you put in a hundred they give you $50 what does that mean that's more money for you to fucking gamble with that's more money for you to win and that's more fun instead of sitting there torturing your fucking kids and kicking the cat and being mad at your wife because she never got a job in April who gives a fuck go to fucking my bookie let's get the party start let's win some fucking money all right so head over

to the casino at my bookie dot a g slash Joey and get 50% off your bonus Lee take this motherfucking mule on a Thursday Oh shit it's a son of a mother fucker no more fucking excuse this is the year of the fucking fucking soldier like fucking Marie Jen's dammit Welcome to church mother fucker There you go Are you fucking kidding me or what? It's Thursday

It's the same old song and dance cock truck is you ain't going nowhere but we're gonna be fucking fine we're gonna get through this motherfucker it's Uncle Joey on a Thursday morning trying to bring you some love some laughter some giggles we got a few things to talk about I'll get out of your fucking hair and then you go on with your life whatever the fuck you were doing last way I get a call from a friend of mine by the way listen we're gonna be working these back and forth this zoom shit it don't work for me I don't like people's little heads looking at me and shit like that I feel like a fucking pedophile looking at on somebody and they're looking back at me

then you put me face to face I'm like the Brady but I don't I don't like it for me a podcast has always been something more personal if you know if you've been with the podcast since day one we've switched formats 18 times we went from just us to introduce ourselves to phone calls and interview and guests to bring in the guests back in studio and then we go a cappello from time to time now we're gonna run it with this fucking zoom the other thing about zoom is I zoomed once now every fucking idiot's reaching out to me to zoom I don't want to zoom with nobody you understand me you want to zoom zoom on your own fucking time I don't want to zoom with nobody I want to zoom with fucking the guest I have and that said I barely want to do that and you know I love Dean Del Rey and had other guests now I got to call people see if they got

fucking zoom for a month I rather fucking choke myself but anyway you know it is what it is technology everything's changing I'm still not hip with zoom so it's gonna take me a few weeks so we're gonna go back and forth until you get adjusted to the two heads sitting next to each other I gotta look at my face and Dean Del Rey two fucking old men like what we're about to get shot I don't need that aggravation in my life but it's funny you know ten days ago I was on the phone with Ari and we were just talking about you know everything that's going on and he goes you know what the good thing is gonna be about this that people gonna forget about the petty things in life you know what really fucking matters this is what I first of all if you don't think there's gonna be a silver lining out of this you're out of your fucking bird if you're sitting there with no money for the rent and you're thinking about what you got to do this not you could do

nobody knows nothing unless you got a fucking a ball in front of you you don't know nothing so but here's one thing I do know about this that there's gonna be a silver lining from this either you're gonna change careers either something better is gonna happen for you you're just taking a lump right now trust him I'm telling you man I've been in these positions a thousand times this is the most dangerous one you know this attacks people like me but I'm still telling you we got a chance you young guys got a chance you're not doomed I don't want anybody to think they're doomed that they're done you're not over and over till the fat lady sings she ain't even getting the fucking car yet we're fucking American so before you doom yourself don't doom yourself alright you're just going through a fucking rough patch this is what this is called in life for you young guys your job you're not graduating hey I feel for you I rather you live than you get together with a bunch of eight hundred

idiots what happens on and throw them up in the air what's that gonna do for your post time nothing move on I never fucking walked down I'll Joey Diaz come get your diploma didn't do dick for you at the end of the day don't do dick for nobody I feel for you I feel for you and I know your pain and for you guys who just started a job I feel for you you know but everything happens for a reason anyway I'm talking to Harry and we're bullshitting about how hopefully this will make people go back to seeing what's important in your life like what what do I give a fuck if we grab some chicks tit 1981 enough knock it off go get your fucking life together alright you call the cops no shut the fuck up so me and him just had this weird conversation excuse me Corona's all over the place you watch on the news on TV you online I can't even look at the fucking things anymore I just look at my messages because it's just too much Corona and you just get depressed

I feel a lot better lately because I the TV isn't even going on till six now now we got it till six not even five like it's just getting later and later because my wife don't want to hear it either nobody wants to hear it no more it is what it is there's nothing we could do we have to move on but I'm talking to Irene we're talking about pity shit last I don't know I don't know what's going on guys I really don't I'm trying to homeschool a child have you tried to homeschool a child no no and especially when you're a moron have you tried to homeschool a child when you're a moron well welcome to my world I'm learning every day I'm learning little by little you know she's teaching me things I'm teaching her things yesterday I went back there we ended up doing math we got caught on percentages I started talking about about 10% of my action 20% of my action how much do you get have you talked about the small 50 yet I talked about the small 50 I'm working with math

I'm trying to give her a different perspective I use dice yeah I use I give her an amount of money to count it I tell account $23 let me know how much is there I made a mistake I'm gonna see if she tries to keep $1 from me I'm saying I thought it was 23 she counts 24 does she take $1 I'm teaching her all this stuff because this is the way I learned it yeah it's great to learn you know she's learning division I'm working with her a lot on math I'm good with numbers and thinking real quick blah blah blah so I'm busy guys this is this has been a real life change this homeschool and if you're a parent my heart goes out I know what you're going through so I don't really know what's going on in the world I know birds got a thing on I know the comedians got together I've spoken to Eddie a few times I've spoken to Joe maybe once I've spoken to Theo I talk to Simone every day Dean every day but I don't really know what's going on like specials and shit like that so I got a call from a friend of

mine in Texas who's an old comedy club friend my old coke dealer at one of the comedy clubs he was the manager but he also supplied all the comics with Coke good guy you know I still keep in touch with him I don't do coke but I still keep in touch with him and he called me to ask me if I had seen the new Louis CK special that it was very funny and I'm like Louis CK has a special so right away I don't know that night I went on Netflix and I didn't see no Louis CK then I'm like what am I fucking thinking he got thrown off a Netflix you know and then my life turned into whatever and I forgot all about Louis CK and then two days later I go on Twitter and there's this big write up by Time Magazine or New York Times it's either one of those two that Louis CK released a special amid this so I click it and I'm reading I want to see what the fuck you know because in my mind I'm thinking something completely different right now so I'm looking at this review

and it's racist and it's dark and he explains what he did and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah I finished the review and sure the guy who wrote the review didn't like it and he was pissed off that Louis released it you know kind of sort of this is what I was getting but me I'm looking at it from a different perspective you know I'm looking at it now from like this happened in 2001 it got brought to light after he blew up I don't know that I heard about cover-ups and shit like that listen guys not for nothing I heard about something happening in Aspen in 2001 whether it was 2001 I heard something happen in Aspen with Louis I didn't know what now have you had guys ever lived the life of a comedian have you lived the life of a fucking rocker have you lived the life of a perfect person the public eye it's got his perks and it's got its negatives okay one of the perks is for some reason women

lose their fucking mind over certain things when when the movie Motley crew came out the crew whatever on Netflix it opens up with him eating the girls pussy that was a squirt or at a party there was you know that was Motley crew they came over to fuck you know right and Rudy Sarzo said to me I go would you think of the movie and he goes I enjoy this it was entertaining he goes it's just really hard to understand all the me too how come people aren't freaking out more about me too because that was a different time that was the 80s it was a different fucking time you know I'm not saying it was okay to rape women or put sleeping pills and I don't know anything about that but what went on the road was just you know it was man I've sat here with you many a night one night especially up the top of the corner here when I was still living up the corner and we talked and I was shaking I'm telling you of all the fucking crazy encounters you have as a young comic on the road

and how crazy they really are you know and you can look at it from two ways you look at it from any way you want them you know it's just it's a weird way of living you know now we're seeing it through the years with Harvey and fucking Cosby now people's eyes are getting a little bit more woken to what happens out here and you know so you get mad at a guy like Cosby and Harvey but there's another side to the story and that's the side of meeting a celebrity or sleeping with a celebrity or getting help from that celebrity okay and let me tell you something I always knew for some reason I got an early idea early on that nobody could help you in this business I got it figured out that the people I liked all stood on that stage alone and that really nobody could help you I mean it's the craziest thing that you think that somebody could shine light on you

yes somebody could say Diana Ross could walk into a room and say hmm I like the Jackson 5 but the Jackson 5 still have to do their work do you know what I'm saying and once you realize that but for some reason a lot of women come out here they're a little on the hot side you know they know it there you go a little garlic fartfully I told the mom was coming there's always a movie you can spray that shit all the time right now wait Tina wait for this this will kill Corona Corona's cousin and every fucking body I think that's where Corona got started forget the bad Wuhan this will kill everybody in Wuhan so God damn it

spray that stuff you spray that stuff eight times an hour nah I don't want to spray it now you need this garlic in your lungs it's good for you it'll unclog what are your fucking little fucking heart valves that's why I eat it to clean out my valves but anyway getting back to what we're talking about no wonder all these women slept with you no nobody slept with me but I'm just saying that this is a weird thing that a hot woman comes to town you got to see it first of all you have to see when new meat walks into an open mic that's what it is it's new meat she goes on stage she bombs and every comic all of a sudden thinks she's great the girl is a six and God forbid the girl go up there and say she's single

fucking you ever see the sharks how the fins come out of the water that's exactly what happened when a girl shows up to an open mic with a pretty dress and she's like I've never done this before I need help every barracuda comes out until they realize she's not gonna suck their dick or she's gonna suck their dick or they have a boyfriend it really changes for them so that's what and you've seen it you see it once you see it you go oh that's why everybody you can you you're a guy you go up to have a great set nobody wants to talk to you all of a sudden some chubby girl comes in with big tits and she's got no bra on oh my god all the comic scholars come on it happens a little bit not not as much but

I've seen hot guys get a different reaction from from people too it's not it's not as it's not as crazy but nobody wants no guy doesn't want to fuck a hot guy and girls three girls aren't going to circle a young comic to fucking give him advice like three guys a young female comic to give her advice it's big differences so when a girl comes into a comedy club she's new fucking meat you know and that's that's a sad way to put it but it's fucking true so now this girl has to struggle but before she could become a comic she has to struggle her way through what the fuck is real and what the fuck is not real which is tough right off the bat you gotta decide what's real and what's not

fucking real here so it's tough enough for a female comic I'm not saying a female comic is wrong but nobody was right and nobody was wrong so my take on this is that they're all partying and Louis asked the girls to their room he's the hottest comic up there at the time or one of the hot comics up there at the time I'm not meeting I don't mean looks I mean he's fucking destroying right they go back to his room is this what happened I thought it was a green room but it could be possible to whatever and he asked them yeah yeah absolutely and they giggled and he took his dick out and he jerked off did he come I don't know but I've heard stories that some people say yes and some people said no and

if he if they if they said no he wouldn't do it that's what I heard and then now other women came out and said he jerked off in front of them or that he was jerking off while he was in the phone with them both Sarah Silverman said that he would ask her occasionally she said sometimes she would say yes I mean yeah it's it's kind of weird it's a very weird look but come 2016 15 years later they finally get enough momentum to knock the kid off the pedestal okay whatever pedestal you want to call it stand up his fame he loses money I hear one of his daughters isn't talking to him in a movie that was going to come out too yeah something else happened never mind the monetary losses just what he lost in character

what he lost in shame here's a guy that's a perfect candidate for you to call up and when somebody calls you and says did you hear about Louis what he hung himself here he was the perfect candidate yeah he was the perfect candidate you know I even hear in his in his routine he talks about which I'm gonna watch the special I hear he talks about you know going to restaurants and people flipping them off and shit what he did was not tough now we have a moral dilemma here what does it take for us to forgive Louis in my world I have daughters it's done with it's done with I'm gonna tell you why it's done with because he went away like a man he hid like a man I think he seeks some type of therapy you know I heard

something from I don't know how true it is you know because I always ask when I speak to certain New York comics I ask about already I ask about you know just to see how the fuck are they doing now let me ask you your opinion on this you just mentioned forgive him do you have to forgive him could you just enjoy his special and see that he is a fucked up guy but I enjoy his stand-up but do you have to fully forgive him to be able to walk that's a great question between me and you and the third fucking wall I have no I have no power to forgive him who the fuck am I who the fuck am I it didn't happen so you're right who the fuck am I to forgive him and not forgive him I'm just telling you how I feel about it my world

it was 15 years ago he did not go up and make negative tweets you know OJ saying whatever killed Joe exotic I don't fucking know you know he hasn't made derogatory tweets he hasn't he hasn't rubbed it in anybody's face he's just a guy that sat home felt he took his lumps which is what an American person does is we go home we take our lumps we figure out what went wrong and we either shoot ourselves or move forward so I have to applaud Louis for moving forward again he didn't bother anybody there was signs up at clubs if you want your money back you can have your money back and then what did he do did he come to the comedy store and try to bother people did he come to the main room at the Denver comedy work no he went to

different little rooms little rooms where it doesn't matter to those people what happens in Hollywood you follow me they know Hollywood is a fucked up place you know they don't give a fuck when Brad Pitt says to vote whatever they don't give a fuck Hollywood does not influence them at all he went to all those rooms and did a bunch of those rooms from what I heard and sold out then he went up to Canada and he did whatever the chain is up there and I heard that guy got a bunch of grief and he sold out all the shows and I heard it was 40% women and they were up on that feet and clapping too so what was the purpose of this fucking article that time wrote and maybe was the New York Times I know New York Times wrote one I don't know if it was time

or the post or I don't believe nothing the fucking post says anyway I stopped unfollowing those fucking lies a long time ago they just fucking lie you read the New York Post they even make up their own book making lines you go to Vegas they're giving seven you go to the post they're giving five what the fuck did I just miss because they make their own fucking lines the post I think they're fucking cute so you know I read this fucking thing and I'm like what is the point of this I tell you what Louis did I liked him the most out of this he didn't advertise it he didn't hire a publicist he didn't bother nobody to go on the show he released it off his own web page yeah and this is the smartest trick on everything and it's

not a trick it's marketing what was his other CDs price for five widely charged $2.99 more if he's irrelevant because he knows that for five anybody will buy it but for $7.99 you really gotta like him yeah and he didn't want nobody watching him that didn't want to watch it he made it comparable to a Netflix he made it comparable to a Hulu I don't know what Hulu is a month the Netflix but he if you remember he was the one who started that $5.00 that's why he started it so why didn't he go back to five he went to $7.99 because he wanted for you to really think about if you really wanted to watch this right you really have an option to turn this off and not watch it at all move on with your fucking life and

never to mention Louis CK's and like the other side like with the thing that you mentioned at the beginning how well like something good will come out of it like some like you'll either to get a new job or this and that it kind of relates to his story and I don't know he made a ton of money so we might have savings he has saved for three years he's a great comic and when I was an open Micah he was already banging out comedy writing fucking scripts but he couldn't work an awful lot of people you know yeah he didn't work for three years that's crazy and not even like like with this with Corona you kind of can't work but there's still jobs out there imagine like imagine getting he stayed in fucking paid his dues he didn't

go out and just call the chicks cunts on social media he did nothing of that no I have to tell you the truth he acted like a gentleman and he acted like somebody that deserves a second chance it's time that fuck you know I'm saying we got people dying by the minute here we got you know the world's coming to an end if you listen to Eddie Bravo and Q5 and fucking Q syndrome and you know there's a lot of shit going on so for you to fucking take the time out of your busy day to write an article about Louis and at the end of the day this is what pisses me off the most you ready by you writing that article you're making the guy a millionaire yeah so what you intended to do you know I love it listen I come from

the day of Brian Bosworth when he would go into a stadium and there'd be people lined up hating on Brian Bosworth and a bunch of people with masks that said I hate Brian or whatever the fuck they were but what nobody knew was he owned the company I loved it when you guys when I was growing up and you guys boycotted dice and you broke his albums and you did all that stuff what happened he got even bigger he played the garden and you fucking 12 little lonely chicks were out there with your bald heads you know he he's he he hates abortion you're selling more tickets because you're making people stop to see what the fuck is going on it's the dumbest thing I've ever seen in your life you got something to say

shut the fuck up and you hurt the guy financially but for you to write an article in the New York Times you know to put the guy down because he released a special that's gonna make him a million dollars you just enabled him that's true but I was I was gonna I was wondering about this this is like the past week like even yeah he hasn't made a money but that must have it must hurt him to see that when that stuff comes out like sure it hurts him sure it hurts him he's a human being do you ever regret like I know you love stand up but you ever regret like getting into like the public eye like all that like people can write whatever they want say whatever they want it's like at some point it must drag on

it's I got into the public side in a micro level and I knew what I felt like and I knew what my mind did to me at a micro level because remember somebody saying something about you and somebody writing something about you is two different things how your mind sees it is two different things somebody saying something about you and somebody writing it down and you reading it really fucks with your psyche wow he read tons and tons and tons of articles about himself at one point he stopped because he knew it wasn't getting any better and he looked at the brighter side of what was going on now to answer your question about the public eye when I got into stand up comedy I could truly look you in the eye and anybody else

in the eye and say I got into comedy to drop out I wanted to drop out not drop in I realized what this problem was around three weeks ago when this started because you're alone and you're isolated I'll let you think I'll let you write different things when I did the Netflix special that bothered me the bombing didn't bother me as much as the fucking location where I did it you know Netflix didn't bother me they were great Netflix had nothing to do with this you want me to tell you would bother me that everything I had worked for to drop out I was going against I was dropping in when I became a standout it was to drop out to drop out of society to live like Tom Berenger's character in major league one week you're in

Mexico sleeping with chickens with two chicks on the bed with you and the next week you're in Montana you may not be making a lot of money you're making the mean of the season minimum to play a minimum but you're doing what you love and I'm not in prison yeah that was the whole point of this shit for me to get into standup it wasn't to end up in LA under the public eye shaking hands of people that took a lot and that'll get us on to our next subject which is a very good question you know nobody when I was growing up nobody really knew what anxiety was everybody put a different name on it or whatever everybody put a different name on it I used to get asthma as a kid as a kid I had really bad asthma and I see it yesterday

when I was playing with Mercy she's got asthma because her cheeks get red and then her mom asked to hit her with a fucking squirt of that shit so even though yesterday she threw those fucking nine pound balls a hundred times she got a little bit of it I don't let her pay mine to it so it goes away like my mother did me but for years I had asthma growing up and I would have to stop and my mother would have to hug me and hit me with a shot or something and fucking then I could breathe again over the years my mom didn't cater to it anymore and eventually it went away but that breathing problem that respiratory thing always stayed with me and it always stayed deep in my psyche so even when I played basketball all those years

there was times I was playing basketball and I would lose focus on what I was doing and it's like Dr. Belize said when we had it here that we have natural breathing until we were teenagers and then we have a traumatic experience and we go away from it that happened to me and somewhere along that line a thing was created inside of me that was called anxiety a fear now since I was a kid and I was an immigrant I always felt insecure but for a long time after my father died I had fear fear is natural your father dies now I'm scared that my mother is going to die who's going to take care of me blah blah blah so this is something that's ingrained in you as a young man or whatever the fuck it is you know and then as I got older

I started smoking pot and doing drugs and I self medicated you know with the drugs and that took care of a lot of it and then when I became a full blown junkie on the cocaine and I realized that I needed a bump you know for a long time I just did a bump like anybody else you got one let's do one but then it became a point where I needed one how many years in was that different six wow six six or seven where you get to the point where you become like a mouse you pick cocaine over sex food sleep you pick cocaine over anything that's what an addict is called you know and and I did that for a long time and you know I still got my little things and shit like that and then I started getting sleep apnea when

I got really big nobody knew what that was nobody knew what that was and I started getting sleep apnea where you wake up in the middle of the night choking to death and you have no fucking idea you wake up like from a nightmare you know so all these little things plus the fact that I do stand up now from day one of stand up I mean it took me fucking 18 months to get on stage so what does that tell you you scared of something it's not like some people go that you know a lot of people say they went to see a band and they got there early and there was a talent contest and their friends brought them up I applaud those mother fuckers yeah I had a friend Daniel Rago God rest is so I took him to an open mic in the

city they were doing a talent contest and he goes let's wait let me go up on stage I was so fucking proud of him because it took me 18 months like a little fag to make notes and when are you going to get up on stage soon I'm working on it you're just fear you're just fear but once I broke that fear I got on stage and here we are 29 years later but any great performer will tell you or any any anybody anybody the chick that played the violin a rapper that will tell you that they get jitters before they go on stage yeah some people puke I remember the first time I saw Gabriel's from puke I had heard about it for years like every time he goes on stage every time he goes on stage he lets out a fucking

exes his barf on the side wipes his face takes a sip of beer and he goes and destroys the fucking place we all have our fucking shortcomings that's what the great thing about being a human being is you know I'm saying so I keep going through this blah blah blah blah blah blah I meet my wife and I didn't know anything about anything she takes me to the doctor we get the sleep apnea corrected and then she takes me to my main doctor and her and my main doctor were talking and they're talking about fucking anxiety and that he's got it and he gets it at certain times he doesn't even know it and then I went home and she broke it down for me she explained to me what anxiety was fuck all these years I've been getting this feeling

you know I remember before I went together whenever I go to get a needle that's what I feel just all these different things came into perspective that I didn't know about and here I was 35 years old so the doctor at that point prescribed me pills for my anxiety he prescribed me had blood pressure medication two pills once I take in the morning one I take at night they also gave me something for my thyroid they took a blood test Joe Rogan was the one that told me to check my thyroid I check my thyroid and they gave me medication to speed it up you know because I was putting on weight too fast so it was just a bunch of things that happened and you know me dog I'm a hard headed fuck I don't say I don't want to take

no fucking pills you know I would go to blood pressure he's like how come your blood pressure is so high you taking the medication I'm like yeah sure I'm not taking a dick I'm not taking a dick and then he sat me down one day and he goes you gotta take your medication when I give it to you gotta take all of it so I started taking the blood pressure medication and then I would get these feelings from time to time and I would go what are these fucking feelings and Terry would look at me and go are you going to a panic attack and I would go a little bit and she would go on the back and come out with a little football white football and give me a white football and I'd eat the white football and I'd be fine and she goes

anytime you get these attacks eat this white football you know so it's not like I get the attacks in the daytime and nothing like that you know I'm smoking reefer I'm eating my edibles I start getting anxiety at night now am I a liar for telling you this yes I am but let me explain something to you my basic anxiety starts at 7 30 because that's when I used to want coke why are you a liar because I tell you that I get anxiety every night at 7 30 that's not completely the truth I only get anxiety even before out of the seven nights but I don't know what I'm gonna get anxiety right and that's why before I go to store I always put one of those footballs in my pants and nine out of ten times I don't

take it sometimes if I'm going to the main room I have to go to the original room and I get anxiety I pop them after I had the anxiety attack with Morgan Murphy that night that was really really really bad down there I decided to start bringing a pill down with me if I took it before I left the house I would get dizzy remember when I was getting car sick going down the hill okay so I figured out that I had to take the pill when I got to the comedy store if not I would fucking throw it away I wouldn't so sometimes when I walk to the main room I go into the green room and I see all those people I close the door and I go into the hallway by myself and I go in my pocket and I pop a football and that's

what I've been doing for fucking years okay and I do as I take them then I started realizing on the road if I didn't have an edible I could take one and fall asleep on those nights when I football for three hours yeah one of those if I take one of those and the little white blood pressure medication they relax me even sometimes in the leave relaxes me at night like after I do two shows and I'm wound up so this is what happened okay this is exactly what happened it wasn't when the doctor gave me these footballs he said to me I could give you something stronger but I can't because of your sleep apnea now without throwing anybody under the bus in this town somebody has already died from sleep apnea and taken

Xanax years ago it's nobody's business who it was I just know for a fact that's what he died of that's what he was doing so because of that I will take anxiety medication for anxiety but to sleep I will take edibles I will drink the quickies while we 300 milligrams or I'll fucking you know I'm saying we don't put me to sleep no more right we used to put me to sleep not anymore because of my tolerance yeah so I'm the top all that shit off when I go on the road as you know and as you've seen people give me liquid acid they give me percussive they give me Vicodin they give me fucking those pills that are really bad for you I don't know what they are to be honest with you people I keep the percussets do I

eat percussets Lee no I keep the the Vicodin's whatever those pain pills are oxys oxys no no no somebody gave me an oxy and I gave that away somebody right away I have a friend who eats all that shit so when people give me strange pills pills on the road I'll take them and then I'll give them to him but there's some pills I'll keep right like I was telling my wife Jesus Christ I'd go for one of those fucking when they shot my knee before the Sopranos yeah the next day it hurt I like to go for fucking Vicodin too bad I don't have one and then two days later one of my jacket pocket and that one was and then somebody at the comedy store gave me three percussets which if a pain I ate one during

the fucking during this quarantine I was at home one night bored night one I was like man these things fuck you up so I never ate it again so that's it but I usually eat my little footballs if I get whatever but again then I got my boy one of my boys in Jersey he knows what it is he listens to the podcast he hooks me up from time to time with those bars okay Xanax Xanax bars okay so I wake up the other morning after the Louis C K thing me two days later and some guy sends me a message hey man fuck this dude that's talking shit about you bullshit so I didn't know who the dude was I don't know what's going on so again I wake up the next day and I don't hear nothing then yesterday I go

online this is a big thing Joey Dears is on Xanax I caught him I go this is interesting finally somebody calls me out you understand I fucking click but before we get to that about six months ago I came home and I was writing a bio for this year to have on the road you know when you write a bio for the road you know born in New York you might have seen him whatever so when I'm IMDB page and I'm IMDB page it says the Jim Norton documentary Joey Coco Dears and I'm like hmm now I know I smoke reefer and I know I got a lot on my plate but I don't remember doing the Jim Norton documentary for all of me let me find the Jim Norton documentary and see what this is all about and it was like the rise and fall of

Jim Norton and I'm read on watching this video and I'm fast forwarding to it and they finally came to us it's him on the podcast okay talking so they used our footage so they had to put my name on it got it so I'm watching this thing it's like the rise and fall of about perverts and this and that and I'm well whoa whoa whoa what rise and fall of Jim Norton yeah he fucking was on the radio it's a great show he's still selling our tickets and he's still funny in the fucking envelope he just shot the degenerates what rise and fall and then if you look on that page it's who stole Patrice O'Neill's money did you see that one no I didn't see that one the Brendan Sharpe documentary yeah I saw that one another

comedian that they tortured and I go oh this is a new thing I wonder what I'm gonna get mine you know I'm saying even as a joke I go I wonder but they torture him for shop because nobody knows shop he's been doing comedy for three years what do you expect from shop to be fucking red fox you dumb motherfuckers so yesterday I get up and I click it and I'm watching this guy and I'm waiting for some intelligent feedback for him to say Joey Diaz is a problem but he I'm fat I look like I'm 80 when do I work out the dumb conchick is saying fucking that who would do jujitsu with me I mean it was just and I just stopped it and then he's like this is how you know a junkie he doesn't know the name of what he's

taken blah blah blah blah I'm gonna tell you why because I don't take Xanax Lee what's the name of that Joe right there up on top so you can read to the people at home read everything that's on that label read my name not my address but all right social security number no no Al Prasolam Al Prasolam that's why I didn't know the fucking name on it on the Joe but I can't really read it keep reading yeah I'm Prasolam or something like that tablets 0.25 milligrams okay what did I say I'm the Joe Rogan podcast 0.25 okay and he said it's a generic for Xanax tabs okay take one tablet three times a day as needed okay okay and it's prescribed by a doctor package 101 it's a prescription that's it okay so for you for

who the guy whatever I'm not even gonna mention your name because then I looked on your other videos and you're making fun of Cheeto Santino and you're making fun of fucking Crystallia and you're making fun of people who actually are doing something with their life you wrote a fucking video about Cheeto Santino not having any content and Crystallia who the fuck are you the content you're putting out is content that's garbage meanwhile you're sitting there with your little half a fag whiskey and that cunt who I know has corona the pussy because she can't be so fucking stupid and your point your fingers at comics who actually try and who actually fucking go out there on the weekends and who actually are doing something with their

fucking lives that's what you're doing and here I got the fucking proof for what the fuck you're talking about I'm addicted to that I lied about what are they saying the name is that's why I don't know it's abraza man a generic blend for Xanax but even though what were the what were the fucking things point two five point two fucking fives only your little faggot ass would get high on one of these your little fucking fag fuck I had to stop watching I oh yeah it was just it's just people that this whole thing wraps up and somebody gave them permission to attack some fucking guy listen you want to call me out call me out call me out for my tolerance call me out for the amount of fucking edibles I do you call me out for

a thousand things don't call me out for something that don't exist because you want to not even profit just to make yourself look fucking smarter now I don't like to carry this around with me this makes me look like a fucking idiot I don't think I should carry these with me so you see these but these are these are a sunglass case that is always in my bag okay and these are the glasses that go in there if you watch the podcast I know some of you's listen to it but if you watch it these are the glasses that go in there they prescription know they're fucking whatever but in here in case I have an emergency because this is how I wrote because you have no idea what is that anxiety I have green zany bars that a friend of mine gave me on the road and

if you want I could have him call in to tell you when he gave me these things so he gives me these zany bars and what I did was I put some in my some cast case in case I get an anxiety attack while I'm on the show and if I'm driving I have them in my bag and you know blah blah blah the other thing of the purpose is I'm not lying to nobody about my fucking shortcomings I'm 57 lying to no one because if they're special to you you gotta fuck it up with a lie and if they don't matter like this jerk off who the fuck are they that you gotta lie to them for and I watch the that's why I asked you the question because I was the first 10 minutes and I had to shut it off just because it was it was bothering me like all all his research was watching the

Joe Rogan podcast and then and the thing that actually didn't hurt my feelings but it was he said like oh you're so mentally broken that you have to take something like that comedian shouldn't have to take what are you talking it's it's I forget who I where I saw but someone said like the brain is part of the body that you take medicine for heart you take medicine for breathing if you have anxiety taking a pill doesn't mean anything his whole point was that oh you're weak as you leave seven years on the podcast how many how many times you see me drink let's count it we drank it run white on the podcast yeah how many times you ever see me drink three seven years so I could see if I was eating Xanax and abusing

them I could see if I was fucking going out and trying to be a listen or not telling anybody about it I could I do to fucking I've been talking about anxiety on this show for years I've been talking about my personal issues with anxiety before I go on stage when I leave my family go on the road this is all I talk about because I'm not better than you guys we all fucking bleed God put us together a fucking certain way and we're all lacking something we're all lacking something this doesn't mean you're weak or whatever this means that somewhere along the line there was a fucking problem that I didn't correct but if you think I'm up all night fucking nodding and fucking yeah I do things are disturbing but

to myself there's no reason why should dog it's a truth I was telling somebody that I drank one of those quick Z bottles at night and I really forgot how many edibles I took I didn't know if I'd taken two of those or four I really don't know so yeah am I embarrassed for being 57 and waking up on the floor with the heater burning me and the cat me out on me a little bit but you know what from time to time you need to have a little fun from time to time to remind you our buddy grappling science he does a lot of memes he had one weed there's no side effects and sometimes you do wake up with ham and you're in your sleep apnea man yeah yeah yeah you know that's not I woke up and just take a fucking pound

of ham and just went right to bed without brushing my teeth I was like a fucking Frankenstein but at least I'm big enough to admit these shortcomings if you're gonna make a tape about me make it about the real thing let's talk about the problems I had grown on do some research go get some kidnap victims by the way I spoke to my kidnap victim the other night he's alright his mom's good cance my dog down there and fucking in Tucson I love Kent with all my heart you know I never understood why people make these dumb videos and if you're gonna call somebody out call them out for the right reasons and then I read some of the comments all he should get arrested for Harvey wider guys listen you see how many women

come on my show do I look like a Harvey Weinstein to you when I tell you that if I get ten calls a day on my phone six of them a woman that I'm tight with that I'm tight with when you're on the road what happens on the road stays on the road what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine you know do me a favor you gotta make a video make it intelligent don't say I'm fat don't say I'm 80 don't say get to the point prove that I lied because I've been talking about anxiety for fucking years and you want me to tell you what happened and I swear to my mother's grave I didn't want to go out that day right now I don't know if you guys are paying attention if anybody's read this sixty we're selling sixty percent

more alcohol than before I'm sure yeah I got a weed store that makes fifteen thousand on the weekends they did fifty last weekend okay right now I could be doing coke I could be doing OxyCottons I could be doing heroin I'm doing fucking a hundred milligrams here a hundred milligrams there and the Xanax if that bothers you if that causes a fucking problem oof oof you're a fucking faggot that's what the cause is it really does that this is this is the lightness of my life this is what keeps me together in the daytime I can't I can't fucking breathe so this is a problem in your life and this if you took time to make a video about this I'm not like I said I'm not even going to mention your name so you

watch the video because it doesn't make sense I don't care if you make a thousand video make a video about me fucking kidnapping people why don't you show a video with a guy banged up with a pit bull on him with me and my friend with a machine gun on him you'd get more mileage with that me being a fucking junkie everybody already knows you stupid fuck you stupid fuck ignorant fuck take your girlfriend teach how to suck your dick take that fag whiskey you're throwing away and take that stupid look off your face you're not doing anybody you're just going after people that are trying to make a difference in any little way they can and not for monetary reasons but to just make it a little lighter right now I should be eating

20 of these a day with what we're going through right now we're in the scariest fucking time of our lives I'm still coming down here with my friend here and doing entertainment and cracking a fucking couple jokes just to get you a little loose so you could go back to your fucking life later on and feel a little better and now you got to get these jerks making videos writing fucking articles about Louis CK listen you want to find something to do with your time help yourself don't write articles about other people write articles and make videos about the shithead that you are the truly shithead that you are as a human being that's who you should be right the fucking video about how you have nothing

to do but you went after Cheetos and Tino and Crystallia because of no content that's how much content you have that you went after two guys that have nothing but fucking content I can see if you went after me for no content but those two guys so listen smarten up do the best thing you can do for yourself shoot yourself shoot the girl hang yourself or become a man become a human being and talk from the heart you miserable cocksucker and with that that's it who the fuck are these people to say fucking shit I don't know nothing I don't know how to say I'll brass a pan and that's why I fucked up the words and so what what if what if you were embarrassed about taking it you didn't tell someone I'm not embarrassed

about taking it I'm not embarrassed at all this is part of the human fucking life this is 57 hard fucking years of digging and that this wasn't made fucking twilight through the tulips fucking night this is a hard 57 and whose fault was it it was mine it was nobody else's fault I put myself in the positions I was in but for you to make a fucking video for you to write an article about sluicy Lucy K's at home right now cotton 20s taking pictures of his nutsack sending it to the guy at the New York Times him and the little fag Ronan Farrow whatever his fucking name is a Woody Allen can't write a book here we're all going to walk out I don't agree with Woody Allen I don't like that motherfucker either but listen

oh we're going to walk out and leave well what do you think there's a Jew down the corner he'll stab you as mother for a million dollars that's where Woody Allen went with his book and the book is selling just fine and everybody likes it I'm not going to read it I'm not going to fucking buy it I know what he did he fucking fucked his own little woo hand bitch but God give him what he's coming to him having fucking Yoko Junior but that's got nothing to do with me right I'm saying I don't want to be in his movies I want to do nothing and do you think that's going back to what you started with like the chains that's going to come from this I do you think people are going to like just start focusing on themselves and being

like listen after I read that fucking thing not after I saw the thing about me and not after I saw the thing about Louis CK look at the thing about me I knew it was coming any day I don't really give a fuck I got one foot in the grave wouldn't have been at appeal people who know me know what my heart is and that's all that matters people who know me know that people make mistakes 20 years ago and they're not the same person anymore yeah you know with Louis CK I hope you feel the same I hope you look at Louis CK and see how he's behaved since this has happened has anybody else raised their hand and said he's dragged off around the street maybe he went for therapy maybe he didn't but don't shun

him because of something that happened to 2001 in a fucking business that is just disgusting it's just disgusting any day now Harvey's going to get out of jail you know why because somebody's going to give him a big check to tell him about the chicks that did sleep with him and what are you going to do when Meryl Streep name comes up on there and all these motherfucking famous Hollywood movie stars what are you going to do how are you going to feel about these women that won an Academy Award like the Houston Astros won a fucking World Series you know how are you going to feel about them that's the last pull Harvey's going to do yeah it's going on in an hour I'm going to write a book about all the bitches

that did suck my dick that won Academy Awards watch how many bitches will be in front of fucking jail which sticks free Harvey free Harvey free Harvey we're never satisfied as human beings you know for the last year what have you heard about melee every day the homeless problem the homeless problem the homeless problem Gavin Newsom the governor got him hotels did you see that yeah you see what's going on now the people in the neighborhood from the hotels fuck the same white people same fucking white people that were out there do something for the fucking homeless same white people now got signs we don't want them in our neighborhood they got COVID-19 go fuck yourself you were the ones that were all being Johnny Christian

nothing bothers me more than people who go to church that think they're better than you because they go to church when I walk in the church you know I see a bunch of fucking creeps I see people trying to be fucking good to give me the guy that walks around every day like Steve Simone that brings people food that really helps old people that really does that that's a real fucking Catholic Christian it doesn't mean that you have to go to fucking church and sit in the front fucking pew but that's what most people feel it takes for them to feel better so fucking me I'm a Senate cock suckers I'm gonna keep eating these fucking Xanax I'm gonna go over to the fucking weed store after this with my little mask on and I'm gonna get some

supplies for the next couple days because I can't smoke weed but that's it this ain't if you smoke weed you're gonna die so fuck it we're gonna have to go back old school to you got any edibles at the house I do all right tonight you're a lucky night. Hey I love you guys with all my heart man just I appreciate the people who had my back when they posted on Facebook and Twitter a lot of people attacked the guy and told me he was a sham now you could just go after him full steam ahead tell him his mother fucking wears combat boots his mother's asshole smells like Xanax just let him have it who gives a fuck he's a miserable fuck he's either gonna go down now somewhere down the road

he'll be doing videos or what's a guy gave the edibles to that moved to the mountains him and all when he'll be doing videos a year from now who gives a fuck hey I got fucking no dates but I want to talk to you about two things again like Manscape said it's testicular fucking cancer month so make sure you test out the testies you know I'm saying you like Joey what the fuck are you talking about I'll tell you what I'm talking about it's public service announcement for your fucking balls April is testicular cancer awareness month all right just search ball checker whenever you download apps they have an app today for tips to protecting your bean bag okay every hour someone in this country

is diagnosed with testicular cancer early detection is your best friend when it comes to protecting your fucking nuggets this month Manscape and the testicular cancer society want to remind you that's right you you cock sucker you got to check that fucking nut sack at least once a month you're sitting at home playing video games everything's gonna be great unemployment's gonna send me a check no they're not no they're not this is the time you check for any early sign of changes download the ball checker app today for tips on protecting that fucking nut sack just search ball checker and wherever you download apps while you're down there your matters will make sure that everything is tip top McGoo look at your eyebrows

I looked at my eyebrows the idea was embarrassed what I saw in there I saw bushes I saw black and see we forget to go out and trim shit now is the time to trim shit and it starts with your fucking nut sack you want to be prepared when this fucking corona virus is over listen right now if I was 35 I'd be planning one thing this thing's coming back in the fall the summer I got a plan I'm gonna sling dick though I get the hiv so if I get the corona virus it don't matter the hiv overrides it fuck it so right now you got to shave your nut sack and you got to shave around your dick so it smells nice and it's ready for all the humidity because women nobody wants to suck a fucking dirty dick and if you're a

guy you have a sucker guys dick and it smells weird above the it smells like a Greek sandwich you don't want that either so what I'm telling you is this get the manscaped get the 3.0 cut get the crop duster get the leather bag get it all because this shit will make your dick tip top Magoo you want to make that area look take even if you got a little gut hanging over it tell you what you take away the fucking hair and all they see is that dick coming to him you put a little reviver on your nut sack so it doesn't look like a fucking ball the head like an elbow they put one of those balls in their mouth who's better than you nobody you understand me you're bringing joy you're like a fucking you're like a priest on

Easter so get your shit together go to manscape.com right now and use code words Joey to get 20% off and free shipping and if you got a little more 2.0 they got an attachment to turn it into 3.0 listen you need that 3.0 why 7000 RPMs chopping down all that fucking dirt and malook your hair you got because who conditions their head balls nobody you're put condition on your nut sack nobody's ever even thought about that you got a condition the nut sack so when you shave down there the hair flies away a lot easier you don't have a bunch of dry ends you look like fucking one of those Chinese girls have they pulled their hair for 15 hours and the wool and interrogation said nobody needs that go to

manscape.com right now and the code church I tell you what I'm going to give you 20% off your first order and free shipping it's tough out there but you got to take care of your dick I want to thank my bookie you know why because my bookies really fucking keeping it together listen there wasn't for my bookie more people be smacking their wives there before this is fucking higher ever level domestic violence season how do you stop domestic violence make your girlfriend and wife a best friend respect her for what she is and you got to get an outlet you got to hit the bag and if you're a degenerate gumball gamble like most of you saw this is what my bookie helps in corona might have half the world on the bench this

week it really does but over at my bookie motherfuckers dead just getting started I know you're sad about March Madness and there's no baseball and I don't know they're going to play football who gives a fuck just worry about today and my bookie they partnered with the NCAA to bring you to cave madness this Friday night motherfuckers it's Michigan against Kansas then it's Ohio against Dayton on the lake game that's right starting at 9 p.m. eastern at my bookie and twitch you got a funny feeling what are you looking at me for with that fucking look I can't do none for you head over to my bookie dot a g watch the games and make most of it listen just because you can't go anywhere and sports are canceled doesn't mean you can't

place a bet and you can't bet sports they got lines they got lines on soccer Russian hockey and good old-fashioned pony races but Joey I don't know about Russian hockey you don't know about football either you lose every week what's the difference you might look at Russian hockey it's right you might as well change your luck you stupid fuck and if you like to see those games is more your thing fuck it uncle Joey's got card games for you with a live human dealer not who hand dealer human dealer and other people you can play against that are real people not fucking computers you don't have to have people breathing on you I don't have to smell any fucking armpit funk none of that shit so do me a favor right now you went over to

manscape.com to get your dick fixed go over to my bookie to get your head fixed they're gonna give you 50% of your initial deposit and bonus funds but Joey I don't know what that means well let me remind you that means that if you deposit a thousand dollars they're gonna give you an extra 500 just like that more money in your pocket to play with and more opportunity to win open up your browser punch in my bookie dot a g slash Joey and get ready to make some motherfucking Doremi who's better than you nobody tomorrow night remember what I'm telling you Michigan against Kansas and then Ohio State versus Ohio I'm sorry Ohio versus Dayton for the late game there you go who takes care of you like me

nobody on top of that 50% of your initial deposit you put in 500 I'm giving an extra 250 if you ain't going to my bookie dot a g slash Joey you're fucking sucking yourself off fuck you cocksuckers make some money is that time it's Easter Jesus is busted out on Sunday and so the fuck are you you know I'm saying you have to get yourself one of those virtual blow jobs or something like that that's it and that's that you want dates I got no dates all I got for you is that the church is now on Spotify and leasing to put a couple CDs on there for you for free they have to waste your time no more they're free they're for you okay I love you motherfuckers with all your heart I'm happy you let me come across your living rooms and

I'm happy you understand why I'm coming from not Xanax I'll be buty room whatever the fuck it is all right that's why I didn't know the name of it fucking smart stupid motherfucker anyway I love you guys with all my heart please stay in please stay safe we do the podcast we keep the door open I come in here every day I like saw ozium fucking fart in here I got everything covered if you could take one of my farts you could take the coronavirus is no big fucking deal all right I love you motherfuckers I got no dates on the books I'm not interested I'm interested right now and you get healthy you get in your pocket straight and then after that we'll talk about dates and jumping up and down and selling t-shirts or whatever for

right now entertain yourself my bookie and manscape listen you smoke and joint you start trimming your balls you'll never stop by the end of the night I'll have you in a yoga position you'll never see you'll have your hand up your asshole shaving with a mirror by your ear stuck with a paper clip have some fun manscape.com my bookie.ag slash joey thank you very much take this fucking meal league you