Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #780 - Agostino Zoida

Episode Date: April 23, 2020

Agostino Zoida, a stand up comedian, writer and the host of the "Home Schooled" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by:   Blue Chew - Go to BlueChew.com/church and get your first shipment for FREE! Pay only $5 for shipping.   MeUndies - Go to Meundies.com/JOEY and get 15% off of your first purchase and FREE shipping.     

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Ain't nobody even pussy with this mask on my fucking guest tonight is my nephew from the home school podcast The Agostino motherfucker enjoyed it. Good to see you too, man. How's the family man? I'm really thankful everybody's really healthy We got our health. How's the podcast going? It's going good. It's gonna be some fucking tips for me All right, I want to thank you for fucking supporting the comedy store last night. We had a great time Thank you very much for helping us out. That's my home Like I said yesterday on the pot. Yes, I'm mitzy made I sent my money in today We're all straight, but I appreciate you guys Supporting us and even giving us a dollar whatever the fuck you have. Thank you very much. And now that's it. What's going on?

The Agostino man, uh, I'm doing what I can. I'm happy with This time that I have to be honest with you, you know, I was thinking about a day and I'm like, I bet you're happy You kept your day job Yeah, you kept your J job. Listen, there's a lot of guys man that The thought of not having a day job just petrifies Yeah, you know, and you got married and things changed and you said, you know, I'm gonna keep my little gig You still do your little spots during the week. They let you travel. You're right So you got the world by the balls, you know, what's like we were saying before we recorded that this is this is a commission business

You know, I mean, it's just it's it's scary and I wasn't at a place where I could rely only on it You know, and then like the plan always was as little by little like the more like I had dates to less hours I would work and then eventually I would make the shift over and I was getting like to a point where I almost was about to Go to part-time before all this shit happened. So Now I'm thankful I have it. I know you're thankful. So you talk about the you know, your home school and shit Yeah, you know, what's going on, you know, it's a horror show. Yeah, I Never thought I would be the principal of a school But I am I'm like the assistant everybody's home school. I mean, yeah

This has been a learning experience for me and my wife You have to learn how to be creative Between you and I I think LA school district is doing a horrible fucking job Just horrible like what we don't know what to do Camp got canceled for now. Yeah And if this is rough on a child, I don't give a fuck about me You think they're doing a horrible job before this and you were gonna pull her out anyway I didn't listen. It's supposed to be the best school in the district. I don't want to say the name

but Do we moved into the district so she'd go to that school? Okay, and it's turned out it's like fucking, you know We've settled on I think we've lowered our standards As Americans we really really have lowered our standards things are so shitty that we don't know what's good or what's not good. I Know I have a ton of friends with kids and they tell me about the schools They go to yeah, whatever and I just hear some fantastic things. I'm not too. This is bullshit This is bullshit. Yeah, you know she comes on at 11 o'clock She goes to school from 10 to 10 30 and then from 11 to like 11 45

The first half hour was just kids yelling at each other Marcus, I got a purple shirt on Fuck, you know, it's a fucking nightmare. Yeah, so, you know, she's a racehorse. She's seven So you got a treat it like a fucking racehorse, you know, you fuck around with her. You don't get her exercise You're gonna find yourself in a fucking dilemma at eight o'clock. That's a horror show She's so you know, like, you know this time. She's like daddy after lunch. You want to draw a picture on my gear? Dog while I'm putting the last fork in my mouth. She's right there. I turn and her heads right there. I'm like, why? What the fuck? You know, I

Understand so but this has been a learning experience like we don't know What to do first of all if you don't run her before that class comes on you're gonna have a problem And I told my wife I go, this is what's going on here. What the fuck is the problem here? This is common sense when we drop off at school at eight o'clock, you don't go to write the class, right? They run around for 20 minutes. They don't get the yai-yai's up burn their energy Then they sit down then they write their journal then they fucking learn whatever the fuck it is and you pick them up at 230 which is bullshit, too. I want the school till 330. Yeah, what the fuck? So now it's like I got to get up early with it

But the online class starts at 11 10 o'clock for 30 minutes 25 minutes of language arts But they're giving you that time to run her first before you go online. What the fuck school starts at eight What the fuck are you doing till 10? Yeah, what the fuck is going on here? Yeah, yeah, why does it start so yeah, fucking 11 o'clock? Why wouldn't they start the same exact time? Or a half hour later. I have no Fucking idea and it's driving me crazy. Look at the bags on my eyes. It's driving me fucking crazy Yeah, that they haven't taken this like a fucking joke like I don't take her education as a joke So now it's like 10 o'clock 11 o'clock. I come home at 12 and I got it

That's it people call me out. Hey, you want to do a zoom? Do I look like I want to fucking do a zoom? I try to do a video the other day. She came in the fucking video. You saw that the house of fucking You know, you can't do nothing. I saw that. I think she's my ghost. Yeah, she's like a shadow and I love it a death I love it a death, but it's like It's fucking with her. Yeah, you know today we bailed out because other kids called her We set up calls with other kids FaceTime and they have messenger whatever the fucking they yell and they scream But if we don't have that throughout the day, it's a nightmare You know because she's talking to you they have their own language. She's a little seven year old

You know, they have their own pace. They have their own fucking language You know, she'll tell you a story for 30 minutes of you You know, can I ask you something? Go ahead. Yeah, well drop it on me Yeah, so I got a runner in the morning and then you got a little language arts and they do math And then you know, what do you do from 12 o'clock on? It can't be playing So I try to color with my wife doesn't you know, I gotta give my wife a fucking breather, too Yeah, my wife goes out for a little while takes a ride I draw with her. Well, what was it like for you August?

You know because they didn't have any online when you were doing it. There was no online for me for me They they would mail you all the books and then I would get like this big box every couple months You get a new box. Oh I had this Catholic program. I think it was called like St. Anthony's Like homeschool education something like that, right? So they send you a box every couple months And I remember getting those boxes man You just hear like a knock on the door UPS guy delivers it and you saw that big box like you knew like oh shit Like we're starting up again, you know, yeah, no online or anything like that. I think it's different for me

It's gonna be really hard for your daughter. I had a lot of siblings, right? I got three sisters. Yes, and we tired each other out and I annoyed the fuck out of them and You know, your daughter only has you guys That's like my wife is limping My wife played tag with her. She forgot she was 50 You're out there playing man, you know, yeah, they tried to play badminton when I was limping for two days You know before they said not go to the park Yeah, I would take it to a corner of like a fucking not none of these parks around here

Yeah, and I played badminton with until somebody some mother fucker fucked it up and showed up But I played badminton with her I take it against the garage. I throw curves at her, you know, she's right I mean you could just do this all day or so long. I get it to hit the mits and throw kicks and work out for 20 minutes, you know, I Don't put that fucking television on cuz she'll lose her mind It's not a lot on the house till five say that's something that my parents didn't do they let us watch TV whenever no I gotta I gotta cut it. Yeah, I'm gonna tell you some watching TV in the daytime. Just a bad habit Yeah, it's just a bad habit and I knew what I did 18 year old like I I'm not the type of guy to stay on Well, right what's your up? You gotta get out. Yeah, I make a living. You gotta do something

You gotta justify your existence. Yeah, and that's how my mother raised me. You gotta get up You gotta get out, you know now till today. I know if I don't take a shower by 9 39 915 I'm gonna go into depression So it don't matter what I got something to do. I don't have nothing to do. I jump in that fucking shower What does that mean depression like you'll you might listen bro right now most people's mind You know people are having nightmares. Have you read about I know nightmares. Okay, people having nightmares people having vivid dreams Yeah, that means that disinformation has gotten into you. It's gotten into your psyche Mm-hmm. I am not mad at you for being scared right now. Yeah, I do. I I understand every

Emotion you might have right now as a human being as an American. I understand every emotion Maybe you're not scared of it. Maybe you're scared of it. Maybe you respect it. Mm-hmm. I respect it I don't know what's going on and I'm not a scientist. Yeah, I know that they're out of caskets You know, I know that Ventura my friend Has they said they're gonna lay people off at the hospital, right? But everywhere else people are telling you there's bodies everywhere, you know people today They had some black guy. They showed his dick by mistake breathing They shocked them, you know in the hospitals in the Bronx and shit. So you don't know I know one person who's had it. I

heard a Michael Yo had as I heard that whatever Tiffany Haddish had the cough, you know, I've just heard little things but I know one person who died from it But you never know because if you die from a ingrown toenail now, they're gonna say it's corona virus over to add to the numbers So did you hear that by the way? There's a bunch of doctors that like came out and said that they yeah, you've heard You hear so many things That your mind does I know what to believe anymore. So what you I hear so many different things You know, I do it five. I put the TV on and they go in the backyard in the back

That's when the sun is the best. Yeah at five and at five. I'm bored to pieces by five I'm ready to shoot a motherfucker And it's been like that for years at five because we finished karate at five a kickboxing firm So for fucking years has been boring. I said, you know what fuck this morning work out in the morning I walk I come here I park I go for a walk around the corner I'll walk the fucking I'll go by my house and walk those little side sheets I don't like walking by my house is too many fucking people. There are a lot of people around. Yeah, so fuck ton of people out But here around the office, there ain't nobody

You can walk from here to the fucking to the Overdubbed in fact, that's why I got a couple times Yeah, there ain't nobody on this side of town because this is where they parked for the train right so ain't nobody taking the train No, right this parking spots all over here that they You can't even flat nobody's fucking tires So we just walk around my house like over and over and over again with the dog It's like all you can do on the weekend We went and we went to Marina Del Rey and I go, you know what?

We'll go for a ride and if we see that it's not too crowded We'll go for a walk, you know around those houses at least it's fresh air by the water and I you won't believe how many people were out It's crazy on the bikes biking hiking walking in groups no mask Cops to cops that I'm like this cops They're not gonna let us walk around here without a mask and they're like no cops no masks just walking around Couldn't believe it It's unbelievable people out sailing on the water So when you home school, what time did you crack the book?

My mom was really good about that or like she started early in the morning I couldn't tell you in exact time, but I'd say let's say nine Let's say nine o'clock in the morning And then what what did you do from nine to whatever was your day like you sat at the kitchen table with my mom Like I said no computers no online So my mom was the teacher she was there and she sat there with me at the table the entire time and she would go Subject by subject, you know you do each each each day You had a different little project or program or something just subject by subject and then then yeah

I would even get like homework afterward She saved a little something for you to work on by yourself and then after that was over It was a few hours then you can go I can go watch TV at say I was probably done by like close to four Wow, that's a long day. Yeah, but you know I have sisters at a pretty close in age Like my my sister right above me is only two years old of me and she had it too And my mom would have to switch between us and do it because we're different grades We couldn't go at the same time who are learning different shit

So yeah close to close to like four I'd be done and then I can go do whatever I want. I remember I used to Go watch Power Rangers that came on like at four. That was my shit when I was a little kid You know I could watch that and then it was just TV dinner And then I'd have to go do the homework Which was just you know the leftover progress she left me to do but on my own and then in the morning She'd look at my homework that I did and she'd have to like See what I got correct and you home school from kindergarten all the way to high school. I never went to a school What was the reasoning my parents are very

What's the word like overprotective? My oldest oldest sister went to a public school and she got into some trouble She got kicked out of a bunch of schools she used to get into fights and stuff and my dad was already a paranoid person and They just pulled they pulled her out and then the rest of us were all homeschooled Very sheltered like right now what everybody's going through with this quarantine shit like that was my life I didn't go outside Like we weren't allowed to go out by ourselves

Unless we had like company by one of our parents or something like that like they were very protective So like this is what I grew up on just staying in the house And if you wanted to go out and like ride a bike, we'd all have to go. Well, this is what's making this a Lot easier that you guys generations were raised in the house Like I was talking to a friend of mine and he goes if this would have been 1980 we would have all been dead Yeah, because our generation did not stay home We did not stay home. There was no reason to be in the house You got home from school you did homework and you went out till 10 o'clock at fucking night

Yeah, you know when you did a thousand things with a ball hockey football basketball, right chasing a kid down the block Whatever the fuck it was gotta go paper route, you know, so this generation These last couple generations. It's easier because they're home like I got to stay on my daughter to go out Like I don't want her to be have that right. So that's why I told my wife I go out of here. They 15 I think that's good. It's listen man. It's not like I didn't go outside like I went out You know, I was I was constantly at my grandmother's house and my dad my grandfather had a garden and you know, Italians They're always growing their own vegetables and shit. I did all that shit like I grew up in the dirt You know what I mean? I had a childhood. I don't make it sound like I didn't and I think that people that don't have a childhood

Their immune system today as they're older are is not as good Like you see like all these like 20 year olds in the hospital getting the coronavirus and it's like how does that happen? You know what I mean? Like an older person. I get it a baby. I get it How is like someone in their 20s getting it and it's because like you said our generation They didn't go outside these Millennials or whatever you want to call them. They grew up on video games computers They didn't have a childhood. They didn't go out and get dirty, you know, you have a joke I swam in the Hudson, you know what I'm saying? Like you have a really strong immune system Probably and these other kids they just they were in the house. They grew up in a bubble, you know, and they're gonna catch it easy

it bothers me To know I can't tell when somebody's not gonna fucking do it I could because it's all part of it. You got to get out the hustle. Yeah, you can't do nothing from the house Nothing happens at the house. Yeah, you know, so you don't get out. Your life is done Why come from there's nothing going on? I got really mad at a friend of mine the other day I was calling and checking on a couple buddies and I and he goes oh, I'm doing okay except that my sleeping patterns are off And he was just like, you know, I sleep at different hours. I don't know what day it is

I don't know what time it is and I got a little mad at them because I was just like I know it's it's common But I'm like you're a comedian, bro And I'm like if you normally before this quarantine bullshit if you normally set the alarm for eight You still have to set it. I don't care if you're quarantined I'm like you stuff to set the alarm for eight get up shower Put your clothes on like like you're going out even if you're staying in or working from home Like, you know, I'm not saying like don't we lay around in your pajamas like pretend like you got a job But now you're gonna go work for yourself

That's why I would never want an office in my house. Mm-hmm. I do certain things in that office, but I get out Yeah, you don't ever want an office in your house. You're not productive. You're not gonna be productive. Yeah, there's too many distractions You're not gonna be productive trust what I'm telling you. I've done this for 30 fucking years. I've seen comics disappear Cuz they're not productive. You cannot be productive in the house Yeah, you have to get out of the house and you have to make it happen. It's not gonna happen for you You could just send so many emails. Mm-hmm. You got to make calls. You got to get out You got out, you know, and now all the coffee shops are closed. Yeah, that's what most people understand I think my computer. I'll sit in the fucking car. Really? I'll take a notebook and just take it in the car with me and go for a

ride You have to get out. Mm-hmm being I Feel that you know when people tell me I got depression. Well, cuz you didn't do dick. You don't do dick You don't do dick. Yeah, you know, you're frustrated. So it leads to depression Sorry, yeah, you got a move It's saboteur like and this is what my daughter like I think it started going into her ear about the corona diamond Mm-hmm, and she started with that shit. I don't want to go outside. Wow. I don't mean now We got to go out and so I put her on a point system a star system

So when she gets 20 stars, she gets to stay up to 10 So I she's up to 10 stars right now And that's how I work with it times to curve for you normally 830, okay, but I could walk in that 915 and she's still fucking jumping up and down and that I was gonna ask Would she stay up my wife was out since she's like what the fuck she doing that she reads books Fucking elephants, you know, well, she keeps herself entertained for being a single child. She does a good job. She's got Lego She's got the fucking whatever but You gotta give her credit for that. I do give her a lot of credit. Listen man. I've talked her off a ledge. It's been tough

it's been tough because She's scared so I had to get her on scared, you know, she does a podcast every week, right? She has to prepare it. She has to watch I She started watching videos about the pocket like like I told her I go listen just cuz you read about the fucking elephant. I want to chew Start watching documentaries Learn like tonight they're watching something about Australia At 8 o'clock with the good-looking Hemsworth. Oh, yeah, it's Chris Hemsworth. I was doing something about Nat Geo

Oh, okay, so she's watching that So she'll watch now. I gotta come in and she'll talk about the homework assignment But then she'll fucking get off the notebook and just talk to me Which is what I wanted her to be a podcast now. She's going well So now she's getting like she's getting really yesterday's podcast was a half hour What are they normally 34 minutes 15? You know 15 22 21 now she's like fuck it. Give me nine pages

So she we broke up elephant part one part two, you know So now what are you doing this summer? Did you also home school in the summer? Was it year-round or did you yeah? It was year-round there was there was no like scheduling For us for our family anyway with homeschool like there were some days where we didn't even do school Like my mom would fall off the wheel a little bit, you know They mean like we just like would miss a day and then there was no I have like a vague reference of what was summer What wasn't you know, I mean, I guess a lot of kids do that, right? You know, it's like kind of a vague reference when you're a kid. You don't remember a lot, but I

Don't know man. There is summer spring. It didn't matter like it didn't matter. It was just always work to do I just remember what when you would finish all the programs in the box You had a little bit of like a vacation to until the next box came maybe a month So that that was like your summer like you got like a month off until the next box came depending on how quick you went through the first box of Shit, you know, I've always worked with her in the summers like this camp Like this year. There's no camp at the one place. We'll wait in here on the other place Uh-huh and

What I've done is when I was a kid, I think one of the best things that helped me growing up was I had an Ant in Miami and when I went to Miami I would spend four weeks at a shop when I was a kid for the summer like I would stay at home for two weeks Then go to Miami come back August 15th and do the last two weeks in New Jersey until September. That's cool Yeah, I would go to my mom will go. What are you gonna do here? What are you gonna do here? You know play baseball over there. Whatever go to Miami go to the ocean My uncle had a boat

We went out fishing, you know shit like that, but You had to do shit their mother was a professor in Cuba So she was about a book So you had a basically get up play Be in the house at nine and then me She had they had three kids And when I would come down and make it four So three of us would sit down and the one daughter would play the piano

And she'd the my aunt would be whipping her and whipping us And then one day a week we'd have to go to a special teacher's house A different teacher. They got a different point of view and my mother would send money down for me to go Oh, wow, and I'll tell you what all those summers I excelled the following year When I stopped doing that in the summer so now in the summers I work with her You know, even if it's just like I just drew away the paper. I had her over here the other day We were doing division You know, she told me she had a problem with the box. I'm like, let's fucking figure it out

You know, what's for and then so I've got her playing with dice Like I got creative. I had to I took the dice out of monopoly. Yeah, I thought I had to play blackjack You know, just to learn how to count the cards, right? You have to be creative. You know, I don't I don't know I don't know. I'm not a teacher But I have common sense. Yeah, and I know how I was taught what I paid attention to You know, one of the biggest lessons I got growing up was a guy, Earl Kingwell Who left me back? He was a teacher who left me back because I fucked up But he did something that helped me a ton. He made me do oral book reports

I do oral book reports in here now, right? He gets it right. I give him five bucks Two stars, you know, I used to give her a fin now I give it two stars So she gets two stars for a little book and I ask her questions about the book What's this character's name? Where do you live so a comprehension gets better? Yeah, because I used to just read and nothing I could read a book and sit there and go What the fuck just happened? I was like, I'm the same way. I gotta work on my comprehension. That's why I read now because

You gotta work on your comprehension. So I don't read long. Yeah, I read short Okay, six seven pages I put it away till the next day. I have a huge problem with reading where that's what I'll do I'll I'll I'll read the same page over and over again because somewhere along the line My brain just goes into something else. Yeah, that's it. No, it makes me think of something else I could tell you but in the first 10 pages if I'm gonna stick with it I know what you mean. I could tell you within the first 10 pages So if I make it past 10 pages, then we're in yeah

Then we're in the end. I was talking to Dean Delray about a book I read. He told me something. I'm like Holy shit, you're right. I remember reading that but I forgot about it So it's like my comprehension still slept, you know, right and I was but dying to ask you for weeks Like what's the deal with this home with the home school? I've been dying to ask you I just didn't have the balls to fucking call you. I said, let's do a podcast on it because I know There's probably a ton of people homeschooling that kid right now the whole country and they don't know what the fuck to do Yeah, you know, but they got the teacher on the skype, right? Or the zoom whatever zoom and something else

I mean at least they have that like what I was a kid there There wasn't that like your mom was the teacher and that's gotta be tough because I wouldn't listen to my mom at all Yeah, like if my mom told me time poor review went screaming fucking whatever Right. Fuck you. You don't know about poor review. Like I would listen to my mom And that's why I was thinking I thought somebody came in for you guys No, like I was thinking of trying to hire somebody come in after this shit is done with, you know No, yeah, uh, I hated school, man I hated it and and uh, you know, I'm sure it was tough for my mom

But a lot of times she would just feel like this is your chapter you're reading today Read that and then she'd go over with my sister and do the same thing and then she'd come back and forth between us I get the email right here. So I check the email all week. Okay And I fucking check it out All right, so this isn't gonna give them good evening. I hope this email attaches to fucking whatever So what they're basically doing this ain't gonna come up now. Oh, no, no, it did come up. All right, so You know zoom rules and stay focused respectful while I'm zoom Have all the daily material do not lean zoom without permission. Don't change the names on the screen

No, do we on the screen use the virtual band hand raise? Sit up straight and make sure we can see your face Monday Lesson point eight nine zoom, please have your math lesson ready And then video she has to know this video. So Then jiji or prodigy 20 minutes. That's like a program And then then they do extreme math. That's daily. That's a different program And then she has at 11 o'clock. She has phonic skills And that's Monday zoom meeting have your grandma spelling words vocabulary

Raz kids or epic for 20 minutes and journal three to five sentences And then to tomorrow. Thank God tomorrow we got math math We got language arts And we got art and you know what? She's only got like three math classes left for the year. So I'm losing my fucking mind right now That's crazy. You went from like, you know a big the biggest part of her school was mainly you dropping her off And now it went to like

Completely your responsibility to make sure that she sits there. She has everything ready We have a back room Which we were going to do the podcast in but again, I didn't want an office at that Yeah, I didn't want it because then I won't do it. That means I'm gonna walk back there with slippers on I don't want to do that. I want to see you don't want guests coming in your house Yeah, no, and I didn't want people walking through the backyard, but that was the thing I know that if I would have done the podcast in my house I would have been out there with sandals on and shit or flip-flops. I don't want to do that

I don't want to do that. I want to be on point. So this when driving over here At least lets you fucking know, right, you know, yeah so They're sitting the back together My wife had a blackboard We put a fucking fake desk back there We put chairs. We got a fucking What do you call that shit for air?

AC? AC nothing they know the other fan a fog. I don't know. I don't fucking know Eventily events and it keeps it cool back there and they sit back there and it's nice And then I go back there by 11 and I sit there and I watch and I'll write in my journal sometimes Sometimes I just leave I don't leave them too alone. I can't work out one in the backyard because I want to distract So I can't hit the bank. I can't really do nothing. So From 10 to a 12. I usually just leave 10 to 12 30. I used to just leave Go for a walk. Maybe run some errands if I have to you know, if I don't

For me to do something I have to go early in the morning Because I don't want to walk around with somebody else's jumps. Yeah So I avoid routes. I avoid all that should I just go to little bodegas And I order food and you know, right? But I make her do things throughout the day. Also, I stay on her You know, like she tomorrow she has to hit the pads and she gets three points So exercise is important with the other thing because I wanted to stay fresh And like I said, if I don't wear her out I'm gonna pay for it later. You have to wear her out. If not, she has nervous breakdown and shit. She's just crying

So I can't do it. So I work her, you know, yeah, she goes Bro, I I get her on an 815 bike And then we go back at 12 30. I'm a scooter Then over by the one church to have a basketball rim by yourself So I make a play basketball me her and her mother We do drills and shit. There's nobody else over there. Just you three every once in a while three white dummies with no mask Show up and even my daughter goes, let's go. Really? Yeah, once she sees people she don't trust it No, she don't want to see people with no mask

Man, she's like, let's get the fuck out of here. Let's go. This is tough on everybody I mean it's tough on the kids and it's tough on the parents. This is tough. You know, hey, listen, man It's so funny how I was really scared of that comedy store podcast Like I went in there really apprehensive. Why? I didn't want to fail Okay, I know people going through a hard time and I know people were expecting to see something So I pretty much lost my fucking mind and went off like a fucking animal that I am, you know, um It's just so funny that uh, I didn't really give a fuck

Because I knew what I was feeling. I didn't want to feel that normal So if I could take people away from that for one fucking hour what they're feeling whether they're broke You know, you know, how many people are dying and you can't even go say goodbye to them? Yeah, and then people losing relatives, you know, so I wanted to go on people were expecting something big and I wanted to go off big. I showed them my balls I yelled at me on these. I shaved my balls. I mean, I went off. I said things that were inappropriate, but I didn't give a fuck Because I just wanted to take people's mind off this shit for one hour I love when I bro this

It's been so weird when something comes on This time something comes on and you're still there Like the Michael Jordan thing came on and that's great because you're focused you forget about what's going on You forget about your job You forget about everything. You just worry, you know, you're in the moment. Yeah, it's when you scatter That it's bad. So when you watch something that you've already seen Your mind scatters like I can't put the Sopranos on I can't put narcos on it's like walking. I just sit there like a dummy

Yeah, and then nothing happens So I got to watch it that I haven't watched before to keep you like to keep me fresh and keep my mind I want to get entertained. Yeah. So if it's something like Trains playing the normal bills, I'll watch it for 30 minutes on every side. Oh, you do other stuff and everybody's seen it anytime Yeah That's the problem. I'm so I'm looking forward to I still haven't broken down and watched joe exotic Joe would die The tiger the tiger king, I haven't seen it either. I just saw too many people watched it

So that same here like no offense to anybody out there, but I don't give a fuck if they get offended If you watch that go fuck yourself. Listen, you might as well eat ranch and shoot yourself The whole world's doing like backflips over it, but like listen, I understand you all say it's great What about you if you know me and make things that I want to watch it do who does math and he trains tigers Like I'm nowhere even remotely interested in the subject. I didn't even put it on my wife won't put it Yeah, I don't want to put it on. I just thought too much about it was too much. It was too much. Yeah, we're still relatively New into this it's only been about a month and a half two months At what point do you think people just start normalizing? It's already started

It has but people are still it's still what dude. I drive on the one-on-one freeway every day It's coming back. It is the traffic people are going out That it's coming back little by little and you're gonna and people are good. This is not even the worst part of it I don't think I think there were we got it. It's gonna get worse. I think we're gonna get it's called the w effect That's what happened with the Spanish flu So like it's called w because it goes like that like that like that like that So we're gonna go back to normal and that everyone's gonna be like, yeah, we're gonna go back to the bars And we're gonna drink and then you're gonna get it even it's gonna take out even more people the second time

That's why I'm doing what I'm doing. Yeah, I'm not going out If you got tickets for uncle joey past september Fuck and throw them away I'm going to Utah September 4th and 5th. I don't know what's gonna happen in Philadelphia. Yeah, I don't know what's gonna happen in Buffalo But I can't put my family at risk. Yeah, I can't be on a plane for five and a half hours I just don't know I have no desire

I I think I would pass out As soon as I put my foot on a plane you think I would pass out from anxiety Wow, I would have a full blown panic attack I think I would have a full blown panic attack once the wheels went up and we took off and I'm Because if you make a plane come down, you got to pay for that plane. You got to put a fucking $10,000 Really, yeah, the plane's taken leave if you if they have to land because of you. Oh, yeah, what if you had like a heart attack They send you the bill. Oh, yeah, you'll get a bill eventually Wow, or if you died on the plane like that. Well, what what you know, nobody knows anything

Wow, if we have a crystal ball nobody knows dick, but who gives us that's why there's so much fear because we don't know what to expect We don't know nothing. It's very normal to have fear. I heard I had a weird dream last night That woke me up at five to four I have dreams all night the last couple no, I've been good the last couple really just I keep seeing it online Are you having covid dreams? Huh? I'm like, what the fuck? I haven't seen that but that's interesting. I have Because fear has to trigger something in you. I got on the scale yesterday. I gained like six pounds Really? I'm not in shock. You know why? cortisol

Because what I'm in fear. I'm releasing cortisol You know, I've been sticking to my points. I've been sticking to my I haven't been eating that much. I'm not that hungry When you're scared, you're not that fucking hungry. I'm not that hungry. And I you know, it was 4 20 monday. Yeah I maybe did four or five bonkers I didn't even eat a nettle Monday I haven't eaten nettles all week. I just tried to give it a break just because that's all I did for march second time Right. I went heavy I went heavy till about march 25th and then I was like

Holy fuck What the fuck is going on? I'm just barely hitting that because We were still in lent until recently I went into this quarantine thing into lent and I gave up beer bread. I gave up all this shit for lent So I didn't have anything until like Easter. I finally started drinking now. I've been having like beer every night It's probably why I'm having dreams because I have like a beer before I go to bed I'm just barely starting my little my little binge. What do you think was like

The most the biggest advantage of being homeschooled over other kids. Did you have friends that went to Regular public schools when you were growing up. I didn't know anybody else was homeschooled I all my friends were public school or private school I had friends that went to Notre Dame Over here and then some of my other friends with the grant high school And uh, I guess that I think that people thought that I was weird Like it's very unusual at the time and um But I mean I had friends

When I got a little older when I was a teenager because like I said when we were really young I wasn't really allowed to go out alone, but I became a teenager and uh When I was a teenager I started to do the school by myself and then Internet started to come out and by the time like late high school. There was online homeschooling. It's fucking hot man. Jesus christ And you wore the other sweatshirt That's why I was like, fuck it's gonna be hot in the podcast tonight. I left it was so windy out Yeah, no, it's earthquake weather. Uh-huh. It's fucking windy. It's fucking sunny. It's you know

We're going into 95 tomorrow I'm gonna I think that there's definitely I guess some advantages I think there's more disadvantages Like I wouldn't if I had the choice I wouldn't want my kid to be homeschooled. Why? I think that you miss out on all social skills

You miss out on a lot of Things like a lot of friends. I only I could probably count on maybe one hand two hands Maybe two hands how many friends I had And you know when you go to a school you got a lot of friends, you know a lot of people you develop social skills You go to parties you uh, you go to dances. I didn't have no dance. No no homecoming. There was no prom You know like I feel like that's a lot of like I don't know special things that kids always remember high school reunions I don't I don't have that and I feel like uh there's a lot to be

to miss out on but I guess there's advantages of it too because I'm I'm actually proud of the way I was raised I think that I I didn't not to be a dick, but I don't think I'm as dumb as a lot of kids. No, I don't mean educationally. I mean Almost kind of like a street smarts type of thing. You know, like I'm not I don't fall for shit easy you know, I think that part partly had to do with the way my father and mother raised me And uh, there's some advantages. You probably you know get into drugs A lot later in life. I mean, I got into it anyway. Well, I mean but just later

I And I was I was not homeschooled But do you think there's a difference between maybe joey's daughter's age and then like I feel bad for that The people I feel bad for are like the juniors and seniors in high school right now Who like you kind of have to get the SATs, right? Yeah apply to college when you're missing first grade Hopefully it won't make that much of an No, I don't listen. Who knows how long this is gonna last. Yeah If if it lasts september, I'm listening to a different school. Hmm. She can't

Be at home all day. It's gonna kill her. It's gonna come back to buy this in the ass all this generation Not a lot of people have seen this type of stuff. Yeah, no one has this generation is is everybody everybody's in shell shock, you know, I don't I feel bad for a lot of people. I know people are hurting financially. I know people are hurting in so many ways, but You know what man? I'm hurting But I make myself laugh every day I I force myself to Do things I don't want to do for the sake of mental health

I knew that this is going to affect a lot of mental health. Yeah, listen If I didn't take care of it, I'm scared. I tell people all the time. I did a lot of acid as a kid So I feel like I'm going to snap any day. Anyway, I'm just waiting for me to Ship my pants or throw it at somebody like a cop or something one day and they just fucking put me in a mental ward You know, like I don't know but I've always been scared of that I've always dealt with fear. I've always had the anxiety So all together like I'm scared of these type of periods. Can I ask you a question though? So like we like From two since 2001 we pretty much had a war going on constantly consistently

And like this I don't like why do you think this is scarier to some people then Because then I shoot me over here. They're shooting you three thousand miles away. We were at out We were at war, but it was in Iraq. Yeah, but there's no bombs going off here We don't even know about that Like we don't even we never really Listen, it takes somebody Not too many people are socially conscious You know, I know there's a war going on, but I don't give a fuck. I'm not in it

I know our country's in it, but it's not like I'm following it. I don't know the rules of it or whatever if If it get came closer to home, we know about it But for years, we've known that there's wars going on at all times around the world Yeah, just because you're living here and the sun's out Somebody's having a bad time. You know, you have to assume if you know anything about life. So I think this is a war right now I mean my personal opinion. I think this is a bio weapon. I think this is a weapon. I don't think this was an accident Personally, that's what I think. I mean they found three different things in it. It's not just COVID-19

COVID is like it's it's been around for a while It's cut with uh COVID it's cut with hiv and one other thing. It's yours. Yeah That's somebody that's somebody created that and the reason that I heard it doesn't have the effect of hiv not the same symptoms But it's cut with hiv so that it spreads faster. It's easy to catch So like someone planned this It's like it's pretty I mean someone when we know who did it, but I don't fuck it nobody knows nothing Yeah, that's yeah, we don't know we don't know nobody knows nothing man. It's uh

It's a hard time But fucking You know, you have to push yourself You have to make yourself laugh. You have to walk You have to keep yourself fresh because if not, I mean it's been like I said, it's April 23rd And I've been home since March 7th pretty much. I haven't done comedy since March 2nd So I'm feeling it. I've gone through changes since this this is this is You know, and it's all understandable, you know

We just I just want everybody to listen There's whatever going on. I don't know what it is. Whether it's a bio weapon or a flu I don't know what it is. I do know one thing. I do know that you Joe listener has to take care of himself Your family You know be home not go somewhere. You don't belong You know If you see a line outside of a place, you don't really want to eat there

You know, you don't really want to eat there. This is not the time to wait online for anything But the most important thing about this even so you're avoiding this covid and I understand that and I appreciate that But at the same time you also have to avoid you going crazy. Yeah, and those walls getting slowly on you You know drinking is up 60 percent. Mm-hmm. I spoke to my coke dealer buddy. My Alex coke deal He says he just called to check in. No, he wanted uh He saw the video for manscape. Oh, yeah, so he wanted the code. He goes. I forgot the code I got a date. I want to look good. So How's business he goes, oh my god

There's motherfuckers snorting 24 hours. Yeah I go, are you serious? He goes, bro, there's people I drop shit off At six in the morning for they just locked the door And they call me again at five and I drop it off at six in the morning There's all types of shit going on. We have a mutual friend that just texted me a photo With the little hole in the straw Through the mask and he was doing a line with the mask on and he goes stay safe No

People are drinking people are smoking people are eating People are doing anything that will make them feel better, you know And with me I'm just happy to be home. I'm happy to be raising my daughter I'm happy I honestly thought the second week That something bad was gonna happen in my house Tensions were just a little too high

My wife was tense. I was tense Mercy was starting to get tense And one night I had a little I thought about my past and I just went into places I shouldn't have been And I uh came clean with my wife About what was happening with me, you know, because she's like why are you hiding in your office for? And I told her I feel like shit This is what I did as a kid, you know, this is what happened. It's playing with me and she's like knocking off And then since that night we've been best friends

There's no drama in my house There's no stress. It's just we've accepted it. Like this is what we do I was really scared in the beginning. I thought, you know, they're talking about domestic violence is gonna go up And people are gonna kill their wives. I don't know. I'm fucking scared as it is. I mean, I'm sure Everybody handles things differently, but I told my wife You're lucky we're not drinking. Yeah, aren't you lucky? We're not a couple that drinks because right now somebody was shot That's you know, this if you drink every night with your significant other And you're both going broke right now

That's a bad idea and now people stop pointing fingers at each other. You should have kept your job at luber durb You should have been such a whore. I told you not to quit that part-time job. So I could totally see that I could see that I could see that that this is why You have to stay on top of your mental game right now. Yes, your mental game. I bro. I look at my journal. It's garbage I write a great journal. I write what happened yesterday. How I feel what I expect from today What happened 20 years ago today? You got to read my journals now It's like the same sentence over and over again I read it like three hours later. I'm like, I'm dog shit. Huh

I am dog shit. So I get it I get it every angle the most important thing right now is yeah Taking care of your immune system eating zinc Vitamin C drink on water vitamin D kills this shit Can't last in the sun. Yeah, so vitamin D kills this shit. So get on that fucking sun every day And the other thing you got to work on Number two is your fitness That we go fucking stale your lungs don't breathe, you know

That's number two. Did you see the email I put in dr. Belisa? No that deep breathing helps you for In these type of situations. So As gay as this sounds everybody, I know people gonna be mad at me for saying this I end my workout every day like I work out like four days a week You know, sometimes I walk 20 minutes and then I work out 15 20 minutes I put the time around with kettlebells or whatever But my last 10 minutes of working out honestly is yoga Yeah, downward dog

leg stretches cat pose baby pose And then I actually take my shoes off in the back. I sit in the sun. I do a yoga I do a couple downward dogs And I fucking meditate. I put the two fingers like this. Hell. Yeah I close my eyes in the sun and I work on my breathing and make sure that my stomach goes all the way back Just like dr. Belisa told me. Yeah, and dog the first two minutes is a nightmare

You're breathing and you're thinking about negative shit and comedy gigs and who hates you and who's mad at you And it's all bullshit and after you start breathing like three or four minutes It's just silence The only thing I hear is a helicopter or a plane coming over And I'll sit there in the sun and stop breathing and I'll sit there in that position. I'll hold it For six or seven minutes. It feels good, right? I get up. I stretch out again I put my palms out. I get the energy from the sun. Yeah, I thank the sun for being out there I take my t-shirt off. I thought I'd take my sweats off right in the kitchen

I throw it in the washing machine. I take a fucking job That's it But most of my work out now is basically stretching Working on my breathing And then meditate as gay as the sound I don't think it's gay at all as anybody because I know that it lowers your blood pressure. I know it clears your mind I know that, you know, and I do the whole thing. I close my eyes. I focus up. I go for the third eye You know, I work on my breathing and then that's eight or nine minutes

I snap out of it, you know, I'm not gonna do it now. My stay where you lay on Shavasana It's good for you, man But I mean the anxiety can kill you too Doug, I know for a fact that every time I had an edible. I had fucking COVID Every time I one fucking edible within an hour. I got COVID and shit I'm on line looking for symptoms and shit and that's when I had to stop Yeah, because in my mind I had COVID

You get a headache now. Oh my god You got COVID. Yeah, I think fucking hurts. You got COVID You know, that's what you're gonna take care of yourself You don't even want to get a cold because they're gonna look at you like you got COVID or something You know what I mean? Like you you're gonna take care of yourself, you know as gay as this sounds. I wear this mask I got 10 of them. I got like a hundred masks. Yeah I got like a hundred regular ones and then I got like these b-52s 95s

I got like 20 of these motherfuckers and I switch them out. I throw them away Yeah, you know, if I walk into anywhere Whatever I have on comes off when I go home right into the fucking Dang, I'm trying really hard, but I knew I take no chances I knew that the physical and the mental were just as important as the immune part of this. Yeah I knew it. I fucking knew it the whole time. I knew for me For me with my fucking skeletons I knew that they would fucking come out and want me if I didn't fucking want them first

So I had to tap on their door and go I'm here, bitch What's the problem? What are you? So what I did this? Oh In the sixth grade. So what I did this in the eighth grade. So what? So I was getting all judgmental about myself and beating myself up Dog until last night until that comedy store podcast. I was quitting comedy. No, I swear to god last night revitalized me like a motherfucker I needed that So badly last night

I haven't been able to go off And like I said, every time I eat a fucking edible bro. I got a different pain. I can't breathe this shit Oh my god, and when I work out too when I walk there at five the first five minutes I'm gonna die The sun's hitting me. It's hot I feel a little prickly as the shit that first ball of sweat comes through it burns my eyeballs because god knows it's coming out of my body You know, you've been home So god knows what's coming out of my fucking body. So I just

Try to sweat it out as much as I can every fucking day And that's all you could do. I prepared for this. I had to I had to mentally prepare myself for this I had to write my own obituary Yeah, about two weeks ago. I go, what's the fear about? What am I scared about? I wrote my obituary. I wrote a fucking mass card You know beloved son the whole fucking deal. I don't want to know

Yeah, but people don't usually write their own But you do this. I think macArthur will somebody please tweet me if they read this somebody and Somebody was going to war and made their troops Write their obituary wow to take the fear away And I remember reading this years ago when I was a kid reading about this and then it was brought up in a movie And I was like, that's right. I read that years ago You write your obituary That's super interesting and

Fuck it. That's it. Now. I'm not scared no more Because you got all that right? I'm done That worry about your loved ones and what people are going to think about you. You got it out I write a journal for my daughter. So she knows all the stories so nobody could tell her a fucking lie Yeah, she knows all the stories. I got pictures that she'll get I have special pictures in there nobody's seen before I have pictures of my other daughter. So she knows she has a sister. I write a journal for her

And I write my journal. That's great and That I just knew for me the mental health aspect. I I'm just petrified petrified that I'm gonna fucking pull a modern law and she's got a gun And go to the ventura boulevard and start shooting up in the fucking air. It's in my blood I think I think it's interesting he said that because I even said last night when I called you is you sounded relaxed After the the podcast. Oh my god. So like what are you? You got that out. There has to be something that normal people who might not be stand-ups can do That's something like they normally did that would like

Help them feel more normal or something because like you did he sounded like you like you had sex or something after He sounded very relaxed last night Last night was a fucking big change in point for me Because I didn't want to do it I thought I was in a fall apart there I just didn't want to do it and then I was like, how can I not like I wanted to really help the wait staff You know, it's funny when I went back to new york in may

I had a long talk with myself when I was looking at these friends of mine that I grew up with That this is way before I did comedy and any movies, you know, anybody could be my friend now But to be my friend then took a lot when I was a kid. I was a heavy-duty friend You were gonna get a call every week about me It took it took a strong friend to be my friend So when I went back in may and I sat across from my friends I would look at them. They were eating and we'd be talking. I go this motherfucker Rob three houses with me and this motherfucker, you know, I talked to a friend of mine yesterday and I go

Do you know that during this fucking whole thing? I realized why you and me got a fight Me and him have been friends since we were kids We didn't talk for like 20 years and he asked me once he goes. Why did we stop talking and I go? I don't know Because he was a state wrestler and he was going to the States we were so we were juniors in high school Well, he was a sophomore and I was a junior and we used to rob this gas station every other month, right every other month We'd rob this gas station We beat up freddy and then we finally beat freddy and then we just kept robbing it

We would hit it once a month And one night we were getting some coke like I had plans to get some coke so it was like just No, like When you pick me up, we're going to go with Putnam fuel first Like that's the way it was and what are we doing tonight before we do anything? We got to go put a gun to Putnam fuel and rob the guy he's going to have 400 on them Wow

Because they drop every time they had 400 so the most you're going to get is 380 And the cops ain't going to come to tunnel of the avenue It was right next to this place called snappy nappy hot dog place Keep your tummy happy come to snappy nappy If a rat meat, I mean, I don't know how many rats I ate in that place that chili. Oh my gosh That chili one time I see like a rat's tail in it like in the hot dog You have no idea snappy nappy still this day Lee knows like Lee's like, how do you know it's lizard meat because I ate it

I've seen it before you understand me. I ate it when I was the eighth grade We used to ride our bikes down there. I swear to god. I saw a fucking little mouse tail One time and I had Because who gives a fuck it's the same reason why we eat Chinese food. We know they're cooking cats But we still go down there. You know, you're eating it. You're like, this tastes like dog This tastes like cockle spragil. This is oh man. This tastes like tears Some little boys tears. It comes with a wonderful poster A poster with a kid holding this dog and you're like, what the fuck is this?

Missing dog. Yeah missing dog poster, you know, we know when you eat at those places that where you're eating You just make believe like yeah, but then one day I stopped like I like veal scallopini I hate lamb I hate goat. I hate all that really but veal scallopini Done right when they cut it with the razor and the spin Oh my god, it's tremendous. I didn't stop eating it because I kept thinking of bambi We're having a fuck with those little goats. We're talking with the fucking thing Yeah, you know, you have to stop that shit. So

So what happened was I asked Dee Dee to Rob partner with me. He's like dog. I got this, but we can't keep robbing it And I'm like, you're either gonna rob it or you're not doing coke to that He goes, I won't do coke. I said fuck it So I just got like from front like you're like, are you a robbing gas station? The kid's like, I've never done anything before. I go perfect This is gonna work out and I draw a diagram for him His name is louis castellito on facebook if you don't believe him hit him up on facebook and go Do you still have the diagram? He still has the diagram? Oh, really?

He saved it and he brought it to my show in fucking uh, fort lauderdale hilarious Well, two years ago not this last time when I was in miami the time before that when I was in west palm beach of fort lauderdale He goes do you remember this? He goes, this was the getaway rap That you told me when he goes out here. He goes, I never robbed anything and you took me down there. We robbed this guy Because I was never so scared in my life. It's like you had done it every day I would just go in there and put like a fake gun to the guy Give me your money and shit the guy was fucking

But I would take dee dee the guy didn't know who I was We had a guy that was on the inside And then after we burned them we would rob them and then we were supposed to split the money with him And me and dee dee bought an eight point. We snored the whole thing. We never came back So he got fired. So now we had to rob it without no we were taking a chance every time So that's the reason so the other night like the other night. I'm like, why didn't me and dee dee stop fucking? And I went into deep. I'm like, that's right Louis Castelito brought that letter to the fucking

Improv about me fucking me giving them the diagram or how we're gonna run out of puttin fuel Because we were we're not we're not gonna run to tunnely. We're gonna run the long way west side avenue We're just gonna cross the street. You don't know how many times people robbed that gas Everybody robbed that gas. You need 20 bucks. You robbed that gas station. Like that's what it became. Wow So they knew that we're getting robbed And then they started putting two people and three people so now we couldn't rob no more But that's like I thought for 20 years. I'm like, why didn't me and dee dee stop talking It was because of that gas station. I got pissed off out of

I'm like, what do you mean when I robbed it? We robbed this place every Tuesday night. What do you mean? I look into the coke away from when it was dessert like you're not doing coke No, we gotta rob here. We got no time to fuck around. No robbie. No cocaine. Yeah Well, you don't rob you don't have money for the coke if I gotta if I got a different partner If you don't want to rob How can I cut you in on the coke? I gotta cut him on the coke So, how am I gonna cut you on the coke? He thought he was just gonna fucking a quarterback at armchair quarterback

And I was gonna give him coke. Fuck you. Everybody gotta earn their fucking weight here Everybody gotta fucking earn their fucking weight in this fucking game. There ain't no fucking giveaway program So it's just it's just crazy where your mind goes On these times like I start thinking about my mom I started thinking about this fucking girl that fell off a bike when I was a kid. I got the blame for it you know like Like I was Friday that the fucking girl me and the girl were like in love And we broke up. We were friends and all someone that takes my bike out of the blame for that

You know, so I felt bad about that Yeah, you know, I just was feeling bad about my life and that's what happens when My wife goes to bed at 9 15 and the doors start closing in on me So I drink like fucking like I got these things kikomo these motherfuckers put you out This is like a thc. Oh, yeah, how many milligrams just so the people know how many how many you take? two or three before bed two milligrams thc and three milligrams of cvn I'll take three of those And a cup of that tea this company kikomo does a tea

And it's the same thing the tea is two milligrams The tea is less the tea is the same. So I'll do like Three of these and that tea because everything in this is for you to sleep It's like a couple weeks ago. He fell asleep on twitch He was snoring and shit because there's a thing you can drink. It's a liquid That's mixed with melatonin like heavy melatonin heavy fucking ginger root Everything that puts you to sleep plus a hundred milligrams of thc

How long does it take to kick in two minutes? So you can't take it here then drive Oh, I do anything. I'll eat a couple of these now just to get you ready. Yeah, you're gonna fall asleep with the wheel I won't fall asleep try to go home. You fell asleep on twitch or people are watching it. I fall asleep a couple times here dog he fell asleep Snoring the whole fucking thing you watched it people hit me that night I'm like, what the fuck? I didn't know what they were saying I didn't know what they were saying to me

And the next morning they're like, look at your boy and it opened up to him like On a desk like All of a sudden the fucking as every time he Every time he was snoring the camera was moving back You could see the camera moving back and all of a sudden the camera broke and he went I think moved his little arms. It's like a little midget Like a little midget puts his arms up. That's what you look like a little midget And he went like this he went

And then he just mumbled some words And I was like, uh, that's hilarious and then he started looking at the screen and people like wake up cocksucker with town Uncle Joey goes And you could see in his face. He's like Fuck How many hours does that go on? Oh, I didn't fall asleep for hours I was just those edibles man. That's great. Like I can't do Like I fall asleep here

Okay, like I fall asleep in this chair And I have comfortable chairs in my living room. Yes motherfucker That's why time didn't bring no edibles with me Because I call them in the morning. Where's the video? You're not gonna believe what happened once I fell asleep in the morning But what do you mean you fell asleep? I fell asleep with the door open one night. I'm gonna come He's gonna his head's gonna be chopped up one of these homeless people's want to see this door open and come on Oh, yeah Don't jump that fucking fan see people crazy this name. Yeah

Especially now man crime is at an all-time high. I heard they're breaking into a lot of cars. Yeah I told you mine, right? I didn't tell you no Dude, I went out and they took the hood. Oh, that's right the grill off my car They took the hood they took the stole the hood the grill Fender liners from like the inside and a couple other like they took the bolts for the hill Now you have a Prius. I sold the Prius. Okay, and then they did this on a my jeep. I got a jeep Cherokee No, shit

Yeah They and they and they apparently the jeep Cherokee grills. I guess have a aftermarket values That's why they steal them and apparently the bolts that hold down the hood are like $12 a piece and there's like 20 something bolts So they steal the bolts and everything because they're expensive So when you woke up that morning, it was like a fucking April Fool's joke I woke up that morning. I went out to my car like And I was just sitting there and the gardener was out there like mowing by my car And we like made eye contact and I'm like good morning

And then he's like looking at me weird and then I looked over at my hood and I'm like, oh I see what you're looking at me weird about just fucking everything gone. Dude. I just barely got it back. It was in the shop for three weeks Oh my god Everything's like working a lot slower now because nobody's really open the factories aren't going to give you a rental car and all that shit Everything my insurance paid for everything. That's great. There's nothing like Fucking surprising the fuck out of somebody. It's the worst. I used to have a buddy who was crazy I loved him with all my heart rest in peace His name is down raco

And he was a garbage man for a while. Uh-huh So we found out what his root was right? So me and my buddies We'll go on his roots, you know those metal garbage cans. Yeah, we would put brick in We would put blocks in there and eight inch brick Yeah, I put like a garbage bag over it and we'd sit with binoculars And watch me jump off the truck at five in the morning Like fucking Johnny muscles and he's just picking up garbage cans and emptying them. This is before the machine Yeah, we had to get out of it. Yeah

So this is where two idiots They hang on the back for the back. Uh-huh and then they look in front of your house and The best is like in jersey. They come out and you have a couch and they're like, we won't take couch You give them 20 bucks. They're trying to fucking couch in there. They don't give a fuck. Yeah, and it matches it But so we would do this guy this guy was a bodybuilder So we get all cupped up and we go that's it's 4 30 What time does ray go take that garbage? He's like, ah 5 36 So we would go to a garbage can

fill it up with bricks And then take the garbage can across the street because we didn't know what side he was going to be We didn't know it's so he'd jump off the thing start fucking And then get the one garbage can and go to pick it up and it's like any yo fuck because he knew it was us At first he didn't know we would do this to him like every week Just set up garbage cans just put weights in there

Blocks fucking bottles and he would come out and you'd see him pulling and he's like fuck And then we would ask him questions to break his back. Oh my god. We were asking questions. How was work? Ah, some motherfuckers on 76th street Put fucking heavy shit man. He didn't know We would sit there and watch him like all coped up and then he figured out it was us What would you put in there? Like wait, we draw like let's say we had to drive to fucking lease Like on the way there. Okay, not by that construction sign

Let's steal some fucking blocks And some made in your brick And then we'd go by your house and put barbells in there like a 45 pound weight And he'd come and try like he'd be walking on the street Like whistling Dixie. Yeah, and he'd go to pick up that garbage can it would be what like 200 fucking pounds And he would get pissed he'd have to drag it and then the other guy would have to help and then they would have to get They'd see the bricks Mother fuckers

Somebody's doing this to my son purpose We did this for about six months before he caught on He would come out and he would be pissed somebody keeps fuck with me. I'm gonna find them And Oh, man, there's nothing you're giving people ideas right now. There's nothing like oh my god Doug when we were kids some states still do it like that the other night I was watching Oh my god, the worst movie of all time Uh, the ice man movie. Oh, yeah with michael shannon. Yeah, it's god. I've never seen it. It's god

You know and I know that whole story But the guy that plays the ice cream man in there That's what we used to he used to live on the street called charles court Uh-huh. I mean and it was the darkest side of the street There was a street light So the darkest sides of the street Charles court was a circle. It's like what what do you call those? called a

A copious. Yeah. Yeah, and there's a little island in the middle Like a roundabout right, but very small. It was just a regular block with a little island in the middle. I had two houses So when you would go up the corner and you would go this way there would be lights But once you got to over here, it was very dark And then there was a street light over here And once you went down about 20 more yards, it was pitch dark So what we would do is we wait till the fall And we get nine blocks

And we built like a brick wall in the middle of the street and put leaves on So it looked like it was a bundle of leaves. So you're there with your Mustang. You're like, oh shit. Look at these leaves So we would do it We would do two roadblocks We would get you in front of pronga's house And then once you hit the wall and you went it out again We had we had another wall down here So you would actually hit two walls you would get out of the car and start yelling you motherfuckers

You dirty sons of bitches and we'd be fucking out like Oh my god, that's exactly what we'd do A lot of free time as a teenager We'd fucking put all these pranks. Oh, no, this was this was when I was in the eighth grade At night, this was eighth grade seventh grade at night. And then there was a police phone And we ripped that out every night and the cops would come how old are you in eighth grade? 12 13 14 The crew I hung out with there. That's what we did pranks

That's what we did. There was a lady who had a fish tank Like a bowl in front of the house with fish and we put lighter fluid in there and lighted on fire with the fish And she come out. What the fuck is going on? It looked like one of those zombies at a fucking chinese bar We lit that on fire for like a month and a half until she just took the water We killed like a thousand fish We killed more fish than cancer like the straws we were putting Dogs used to have those big goldfish in there and then locked the door every night

And we just put lighter fluid up on top. Oh my god Imagine that and you can hear the fish. Oh, that's horrible. Hey, what do you do? I was in the eighth grade I was a dumb kid That's what we do and then we'd run down the block And there was like a fucking thing and then there was a guy that did ceramics And he would sit at his house watching tv and we throw rocks at the woods Then when he'd come out we throw eggs at him. He said fuck you mother I mean, this was constant. Yeah, that's street down there. If you knew if you didn't tip

Like if you like if we shoveled your driveway and you didn't tip you were done on Halloween We don't need garbage cans with on fire Today my wife got out yesterday because my daughter we had to get a bicycle not for me But i'm gonna ride it. My wife got like a used whatever the fuck you call it like uh Uh No, the other one's the beach calmers. Oh like a cruiser. Yeah, my wife said some lady had it for 35 bucks So off of the turn, you know, it's funny. I bought a used bike yesterday. Yeah, she bought a bike. So I we were tuning it up today. Uh-huh and they fucking put

You know Stuff on the chain I tighten the things I tighten the pedals And she goes, what are you tightening and I go the fucking handlebars And she goes, why are you on top and I told her to start let me tell you something One time. I don't know what I did. I bumped into a hundred bucks And the hottest bike when I was a kid was the Apollo racer And had handlebars and the fucking thing in the back. What do you call sissy bar? I don't know you guys are too young for this. Oh, you stood up on it. Yeah, it was three fucking speeds

It was see if you see Apollo racer and put the picture up the agastina This is the baddest bike in the world and they gave one away every sunday on wonderama When I was a kid there was a show called wonderama on channel five And it was from eight to 11 and on sundays they would fucking They would play wonderama and you could register to what a bicycle That Was a fucking Apollo Click on the one of them

You see that I've seen those that was the Apollo race. You see those handlebars. Yeah So I bought one of those it sees robot And I actually the guy goes you want it to build it for you? No, no, no, just give me 10% off and give me the demo God looked at me like what the fuck are you talking about? You're a kid. Nobody asked for 10% I'll give him 10% off and I'll buy the demonstrator because I don't have time for him to build it So he goes, okay, I'll give you whatever you want. I gave him the money cash and I got on the bicycle Now I lived on a hill Every hill was I had to go down see his hill

And then down the chinese hill, which is fucking like this Lisa went to the chinese store fucking steep And then my block is a fucking hill. So I went all the way home on hills nothing happened Oh, the hard part is going back uphill. Yeah, I didn't go too many uphill There wasn't too many uphills on that bike Everyone but you know those hills that they were keeping me alive today Walking those hills as a kid. There's a there's a There's a facebook page called the

The hills of north bergen It's a group of guys that talk about what we went through growing up in north bergen on those hills There was a hill 46th street. That was so steep. There was a cemetery on it And whenever it rained it would wash the graves And there'd be fucking caskets on the bottom of 46th street. What? Didi that kid I was talking about and Carlos his older brother Their mother lived on that. It was a dead end. You know how many cars came down that thing and crashed against their house They were growing up. Wow, they would lose control and just crash. It was a fucking huge hill

Like two miles momentum. Oh my god And we would walk up that hill backwards talking with a beer in our hands When we were kids smoking a joint it was I just was goofing with my buddies like I would take us Three hours to walk up that hill now I'd have a heart attack if I had to walk up that hill now. Yeah, we would walk it three times a night We had to walk in the morning to get a bus Back down and then at night if you want to go uptown you had to walk it again So we just get liquor and walk up the hill

drinking fucking liquor So whenever it rained in that neighborhood the agostino the fuck it would wash the graves I remember first moving there and people like you gotta run to 46th street. There's a guy in a casket You can see like a skeleton and shit. I was like what? And then later on I didn't see it But later on when I started hanging out with those two I asked him if those stories were true and he goes all the fucking time. We've seen caskets bodies

bones You know a lot of like because it's an old cemetery like people were buried in 1830. Oh, wow 1890 19, you know like the the bottom the lower half. Yeah, like it went up as the years Okay, so the closer it was to your year You were up the hill, but all those people on the bottom or in the middle We're all like 1990 I remember taking a shit there one night and the dead of the winter and I felt guilty I'm like I'm shit on the grave and I'm like this guy's got no relatives left

It was like a stick like with a name like it was just a stick Like the cross is crooked like we like Jesus had a long arm to the other one like Like a city slickers when they buried him right there. It was fucking crazy So I would take shits in there all the time. I couldn't make it home In the summertime, I just get three fucking pieces of grass Wipe my ass and walk home a little dirty ass, but just enough to make it home And there'd be no skidding off thing on the wet. You just pull off your pants and you can smell your ass. Oh, it smells dirty So what happened with the handlebars?

So I bring the fucking bike home. Yeah And next door to me. I had this goofy kid valentine ferro who will not be my friend He refuses to be my friend. He's a fucking dentist in kentucky now one of those places I found him online. I just went online and pressed his name and there he was So they won't accept your request is what you're saying. No, I called his dental office And left a message on my time. Coco's on the line and she's like he doesn't want to talk to you sir Wow, and I'm like, okay, and I fucking thought about why wouldn't you want to talk to him?

I'm like, I tortured this kid my mistake not really like Every time he hung with me something bad happened Not because I was a bad person. I loved him. I loved him. He was a fucking grease monkey. He was great But he was a speed demon You know, he was one of those kids that builds ramps Okay, like Way, like as soon as I moved to jersey, he was my neighbor And he'd always be building him and this kid michael clemmons wet fleas

What do you call that when they have they have lights lights the whole family how to get crew cuts So there were two like Bike junkies and they live right next door to each other So I stood like there was two wins and but that one then we'll get the fuck out of here And when I bought that Apollo racer I came home But six months before the Apollo racer I bought a mini bike christmas eve

The the lawnmower ones Yeah, and he fucking fell off and got stitches and shit because the seat wasn't screwed on So every time he'd see me he's like man that night fucked me up. I ended up the hospital christmas eve So he was okay with me. We were friends and I loved him to death But he was every time he'd see me when I came home with the bike that day. He's like, hey That's a fucking cool ass bike man. Wow Because he was like a half a bike thief So if we would steal bikes we'd bring him to him

And he would change him for us. He popped the plate off He would screw fucking Tape it. He'd send a fucking VIN number down and put another one on it. Yeah, like he was a fucking chief So if somebody saw you with the bike and said hey man, that's my bike. What are you talking about? Look at the VIN They're saying you're biking the guy would be looking at his number looking at oh, it's not my bike Sorry, so we would take a bike

Uh, what's it called when you prime? You take the old paint off Yeah, you put this gray thing on it would strip the old paint off down for the metal Then we'd sand it to make a porous And then we'd paint them And then we'd paint like two or three coats and we'd put that other shit on it to still be stuff So nobody knows who bikes. I mean everybody who had a stolen bike brought it to valentine So he was considered the neighborhood fucking mechanic. Okay, so I get home one day and he's like there's window

He's one of those kids that had like the screen window The window the flea window like it was like a storm window. Yeah windows. He would open up all You know and pop his head up. What do you got there? Is that an Apollo race? I'm like, yeah, if you mind if I take it for a ride and come down So you come down. He's like, man, this is great. Thank you. I always wanted one of these You got knock yourself out dog. I had no bad malice in my heart He took the fucking bike up the hill even did that thing. Will you test the wind? Oh my god, and I'm sitting there and I don't know what I thought I got he's a great kid

He's gonna be fun But he's pedaling and he got up on the bike You know when you get up and you're really pedaling But the guy didn't tighten the screw for the handlebars So the handlebars basically went straight down He's looking at me like what the fuck is this and all I see them was it's up his body's right off the bicycle His mother took him to the hospital. Oh, man. Oh, and he hasn't talked to you since that time. No, then there was then we became We were still friends and we got older. We had him drinking and smoking dope. He was a great kid

Big kid tough kid and one night we started lighting fires in the woods We were like 13 14 I had be 13 we would light fires in the woods And every night you would show up with something So you'd show up with a piece of paper to contribute to the fire Or a piece of wood or a little bit of gasoline a little bit of liquid You know Yeah, yeah, not him. Guess what this motherfucker shows up with

An industrial candle I saw Like the big big this is 1970 when they were big and thick And we already had the fire going The fire was already going he showed up late. He's like, look what I got. We're like, what the fuck is that? What are you gonna do spray it because a lot of people would spray that. Yeah, you can make a fire mist But he throws the whole can on there. He threw the whole can in that motherfucker And we're like, what's gonna happen? He said, I don't know Somebody told me it blows up loud or something. And we're standing there like yeah, ha ha ha ha ha

Boom And dog, I don't know what it was. It was like slow motion I was kind of looking at the you know, like when you look at a fire you're getting trees sometimes. Yeah I saw the thing Explode and the bottom of the can, you know how it has the opal. Uh-huh that's that little bump in the thing Yeah, I saw that thing fly right off And it was like something out of a fucking movie. So this is the bottom of it. Yeah, and it flew off And went you had jeans on

Right to him too. Right through the fucking jeans You could smell the skin and he was like, ah He ran home. We're fucking howling. Oh, no, this poor bastard And I don't know what happened after that Man one time Me and my buddy who went to grand high school over here We used to ride our bikes around and we found this apartment You know, sometimes the the floor apartment still have furnished so they can show people

Like before they rent it. So it's always there furnished. We broke in there one time and we made a murder scene We got like We got like red paint and made it like blood and we put like a note Like a murder note and shit And did they buy it? I mean We didn't wait around for people You gotta wait for them to see the cops. You gotta make believe I can just play in the house

And let them show up and what let's get to the bottom of this. I'm flabbergasted and then you go over and tell them fake excuse I saw a chinese guy with a bat walking down the block at two o'clock a chinese guy. He's just giving fake information So even though we wouldn't do it We'd wait for the cops to come and they were going did you see anything? Oh, yeah Three fucking jewish guys. I saw everything a black car Yamaka they were jewish yamaka And the guy would go a little bit and look out for a jew, you know, like fucking it was it was too hard to believe The guy would believe us and shit

Yeah, you can see there was a real pleasure seeing you and having you on Uh, I don't want to make you feel bad. I got no dates either I do got dates you do I got a date june 20th for the time being yeah, that's not a date You think it's not gonna happen. No, where is it? In a pastel robles. Oh Yeah, that'll happen. I meant I thought you meant a different state. No pastel robles, california. It's like a hour drive Listen, man. Nobody knows at a brewery. We'll see if it happens. Nobody knows nothing. Yeah, nobody knows nothing till the day You know, I'll tell you I'm the type of motherfucker like I told you I will pass out of the plane

Yeah, I am petrified that the plane takes off when I go into panic mode And then I gotta get pinned down like the chinese guy And I won't have a leg to stand out and I can't let that happen. Yeah, so for right now. I'm gonna sit at home for a few weeks I'll wait till the store opens. I'm not gonna run down there fast either. I'm gonna take my time I'm gonna hold the fucking bed and I gotta Really, I don't want to flip out not right now Yeah, but listen man, anytime you need something you call it's great to see you too. Thank you family for me Uh, what how many episodes you do a week two two now comes out on tuesday and friday, okay, and uh

I I've released an album I'm I'm telling you at this time off. I got a little bit of stuff done. I had an old album I recorded a couple years ago. I never released it. I just submitted it for distributing right now So it'll be out soon and you guys can follow me on my social media on my website's homeschooledpod.com for all that stuff And uh, we have fun. We have fun on the podcast. It's good. Thank you very much Come on explain the homeschool because I'm fucking confused real quick here me undies me undies me undies

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