Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #781 - Jimmy Shubert

Episode Date: April 27, 2020

Jimmy Shubert, a comedian and actor with 30+ years of experience seen on "The King Of Queens," and in films, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: MyBookie.ag -  Use code promo joey to get a 50% match on your first deposit up to $1,000.    CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off. 

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All right, it's Monday the 27th kick this fucking mule Lee We're going in like fucking the region stand welcome to church You built your empire not living it you fuck The guest this week is my brother Somebody I have to apologize to on the air Mr. Jimmy two shoes Shubert out of Philadelphia one of my early mentors in the comedy game He had a movie. He was shooting over in

Korea on the 16th and 17th and 18th of March and I nearly fucking went to his house and choked Because he had me so worried I love my friends. No, I did I love the input actually it was March 2nd through the 9th And I was doing something like that. Yeah in season of the show. I had already done the first season But I guess like people said he but actually to tell you the truth I was wearing a mask back then. I knew it was serious when I got to Korea like everybody's wear a mask The sets are smaller over there. They're not as big as they are. Oh before you went to Korea when you saw in the plane Did you run out of will? Did you tell your mother goodbye? I was I had gloves. I had goggles. I had a man

I called you so you got on that plane, you know, I would say dude if I waited too long I couldn't get out of it and believe me I'm glad I did it because that money's gonna get me through this pandemic, but Jesus man. I would they were I was Nervous, but I was also like I'm just gonna just social distance and wear my mask and gloves and goggles I wasn't playing games. I don't think in March 2nd the stress had Developed as much people as me. I saw it March 2nd at the homely store And I was done back in February. I was in Atlantic City at the hard rock casino and even then I had life saw in my room spraying

I wasn't touching anything. You knew everything already in February. No, I would just unless they stop When billionaires stop with the NBA and the NHL and just stop what they're gonna lose billions of dollars. I went There's something up here. Something's something's real and then you were monitoring it And I just said there's something else that maybe they're not telling us so I wasn't taking any chances. I had gloves I'm a little bit of a prepper. I had I already had the N90 I have a case like that just a little box of the N95 mask. I had the rubber gloves. I had the goggles I mean just because you never I'd rather I'd rather have that stuff. Sorry, absolutely Yeah, so and sure enough when I was going I had the gloves I had the mask I too bagged it

I got two masks got a cloth mask over top of that 95 mask But I wasn't taking any chances. I just wasn't I mean, I was like even when I thought about you every day every day I appreciate it. I prayed I called Adam Tom not to allow you back on the comic store That you were electrocuted motherfucker, I mean, I gotta do it I can't I gotta save my people this fucking guy went into the heart of Korea that I call you a week late And you're like, I'm having a great time. I'm in Boston with Lenny Clark. Oh, he's gonna kill another one of my idols No, no I did I was I did I was I was

Putting the stuff on I was social distancing Well, piss me off was when I called you and you said you came back. I didn't bother you. No test. No, hello Welcome to America. There's a fucking epidemic coming here. Well, I'm also a citizen I mean the the lines for people coming in from other places That was like hardcore, but with me. I I saw me had the goggles. I had a mask I have my hoodie up. I had two bag masks on a rubber gloves So I go, yes, I had to take over, you know, all that stuff off once I get in and he saw my face because yeah But they didn't they didn't they didn't stop. They took my temperature

Before I left Korea twice. Good day. Yeah. Yeah, okay, so they do it over there not oh, they were like twice They it's part of the new Who thing yeah, yeah, they were taking they took your temperature twice and on the way back Joey There was nobody I had 15 seats and from a 15 seat nobody was in my section of a business class There was nobody in there. I was like, this is awesome You know what I mean, and you know, they had the curtains drawn There was another section another section but the section I was in Nobody was in there. So I wasn't worried on the way back

On the way over there was really not a lot of people around me either. So I'm not good here. No, no, I'm sorry. I was at the park with my daughter. I had just gotten back from Vegas and I just called you to check in. No, like I'm going to Korea. I'm like, I thought it was like a bad dream. Yeah I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Well, but at this time I didn't know architecture either. See, I was my fault. Yeah, I don't I'm not go with geography Once you say I'm going to the Philippines. I'm thinking everything's to China at that time Yeah, at that time I thought all the Asian countries and I have nothing against them. I wasn't blaming anybody

Right. I was just like Jimmy. You're not going. Yeah, but believe me. I tried after that call you called your manager You see I told him I said you got to get me out of this. He goes, bro He goes, we're committed. You're leaving like that. I was leaving that money goes you can't do this to these guys and I go so I went but Also, I looked up to South Korea and the infection in South Korea was in Degas Which is like oh like it's like 500 miles from where I was going Seoul is a city of 11 million people and they only had a hundred cases and I was checking they were doing drive-thru testing They were already on top of this. So I said I'm going for a week. I could get in I get out

I'm only going to set three days and I'll just go hit and run this social distance that I did and Thank God nothing happened, but you're right. I was a little nervous I but it also prepped me for everything else. I was wearing a mask I went even in Boston. I had a mask on and they were like kind of making fun of me Then I got a Lenny plenty Clark picked me up, you know, he's one of my heroes as well I got a mask off. I don't want to kill. I'm gonna kill Lenny You know, I'm gonna try the mask on but you know, I finally like Social distancing and stuff when you were there, but it was like I mean that was it

I knew I didn't once I got to the end of March. I knew I was good I Mean How do you feel? I feel great man? I'm walking do any tests or anything and he COVID and the antibody test are you interested? Yeah, I would do a test. See I would do a test, but I know I know I'm good Did I take my vitamins in the morning? I've been walking every day I've been walking every day five miles a day the last two days. We did six miles with our boy Steve Simone We got Lisa I had out there doing a little walk. I don't leave just trying to get just trying to get

Just getting that sunshine minutes I just read this the other day the sunshine even 20 minutes of the sun the body produces micro Bacterials that plate viruses and parasites and everything else Yeah, but you're out there for an hour and a half walking six miles. That's not even better That's even better. Now you're killing more parasites You were talking about you know what happens when you eat hummus they turn into worms inside of you So, you know, I am like you got to realize when you eat beef. What's in the beef? When you eat all this shit, you're reading what's in it. Yeah, there's toxins in it and your body needs to get rid of

Yeah, so the best way to forget about yeah, your body pisses some of them out Yeah, sometimes you take a shit that smells like ten horses died. Oh my god I've been here. I'm on the garlic pill, you know, three or four those a day. That's nature's penicillin That's nature's penicillin Then I make my wife how many garlic cloves is the recipe called for because you know white people they stick to the recipe Garlic cloves then put six. Yeah, well, it won't taste the same. It'll taste better. It's garlic Yeah, and I'll shit blood and it cleans you I'm a big garlic dude always have been when Pablo sent me the capitals

I was like, oh I thought in the old days like my mom when I was a kid used to make me close the butter With Cuban bread and olive oil When I first came I still remember garlic, you mean a garlic on bread. No fucking cook garlic like raw Raw garlic with olive oil and whatever, you know, I don't like fucking a vampire You know what I do? I take the clothes of garlic chop them up. I put this add this stuff called manuka honey It's like a super food. It's like, you know, it's like it costs like 20 30 bucks But it's just raw super unscrupulous and I put the garlic right in the honey and I swallow it helps me get it down

But you're right You take dumps, but they stink But I'd rather I'd rather I'm telling you that's nature's penicillin. I'd rather take it like you said Simone goes I think I put too much garlic in the sauce. I don't give it to me Yeah, I like it, you know, we live in California, which you know, most people listen to this Yeah, live in California. You live in Arizona or some people in New York or some people in England with you It's fucking cloudy every day. Whatever the fuck, you know, you I Like I love the Sun. Yeah, the best son I've ever been out in front of this, Colorado

You know, it's a kid and I go to Aspen you walk 10 minutes We came back with a people go with you come from Jamaica Yeah, you're 12,000 feet higher than most people of 14,000 feet. Yeah, I went out and bought SPF and I would put it on and hitchhike And come home and the people be like, where the fuck so I fell in love with the Sun I've always liked the Sun. Yeah, I never knew the healing properties of it You know, how good the Sun is right now. There's no pollution Go down Laurel Canyon and see how low how much you could far how far you can look into that

Today take a ride for a fly Just to change it up. What was the last time we went to Hollywood leave never a month. Okay today Just 430 when you think it's supposed to be trafficking Getting your car and go below you can see all the way out there all the way It is the most spectacular thing you have ever seen. No, no, no You used to see it before yeah now you could actually see that little house That has a porch sit in front of it and kids playing you could see all the cleanness in the air So the air has been the best that's ever been they showed the air in New Delphi

Yeah, I never knew whatever you could see that you could see the Himalayas It's tremendous now. So dude that no no father's disease is not Staying home. It's getting out. It's getting out social distance, but get out in the sun. No, I avoid people. Yeah We do this walk in the neighborhood. There's nobody back there There's blue birds. I'm gonna see blue birds butterflies Feel finches. I mean you walk through you see all this stuff that you never get I mean, what's the last time we've seen this this birds everywhere? And you know the flowers are blooming. I will stay away from people we do a social distance walking, but it's

Dude, it's great to get out. I'm telling you. I feel great. Yeah, this is this will be day seven seven days Five at least five miles a day. What were you doing for the first couple weeks? Were you just home? I know you're a single guy I mean, how was it feeling for you at the house? Well, you know what anxiety is where you're getting that was cut this couple days, you know Like I like after like I like laid around for like three days that was getting me down I missed doing stand-up. I said how long is this going to go on? I was kind of I had a freak out and then I said, you know what? No Get up every day. I started reading books. I got I'm reading four books

I got one by the one by the toilet one by my bed one by my couch So I got books going I got I'm watching a couple documentaries. I'm catching up on some stuff I want to catch up on every decorated my joint. I'm turning my back bedroom into like a little social media studio I'm gonna keep myself busy. I'm walking. I'm eating healthy. I'm cooking. I'm learning how to cook some stuff that I wanted to cook I couldn't cook Trying that I'm just look. I'm just trying to stay positive. I'm trying to stay focused. You're right This thing can beat you up, but you got to make a decision. I mean, I'm gonna be job physical

What's the word it's gonna like the beating you're taking already you're going into a fight With a financial stigma going into your head. Yeah, you're about to lose everything. Yeah So you can do two things you can sit there where we kill yourself, you know, I'm not listen things work out furlough You know unemployment and they all work out whatever, but then I think there's more like I read an article in time about How kids from this generation are affected? I have her involved all day She's been going since 815 this morning. Yeah, you know, I don't let her she's waiting for me right now to hit the mitts because she gets three stars I get her outside throwing punches. She throws a nine pound ball, you know So I put myself on a schedule. It's been a blessing to have her

Just when you want to shoot yourself. She says something to you that makes you laugh. Yeah, stupid. You know, yeah, I Gotta ask you about something else now because you mentioned it. I mean More than me and more than these fucking pieces of shit Calling themselves comedians with no class You have been a veteran of two comedy wars here You were a veteran of the Kenneson days at the comedy store, which History yeah, history and then these last seven years, which has been a great run at the store. Absolutely We all know as human beings that's going to take a

Minute to get it back. Yeah to where it was all our businesses every other club in the country, you know, yeah What do you see? Happening for yourself for comedy for the year and as a whole. Well, I'm glad you brought it up I'm in May 15th. I got a brand new album drop them called zero tolerance It's coming out, you know, they'll be on serious XM But it also be available on all the streaming platforms on May 15 itunes itunes. Yeah, I think it's one of my best albums So I got that coming out and I'm also working I mean, I'm just keeping keeping right what I think will happen is that's what I think I think if you got a comedy club

That seats 300 people that comedy club will now seat 150. They'll do some social distance seating initially So people aren't sitting right next to each other until they get back to the point where everybody feels comfortable But I think so the money's gonna drop. I think a lot of the clubs have struggled like the like that this like that the the Servers and struggle a lot of these people are having a tough time Make a living so I think it's gonna come back a little bit gradually, but I do think Eventually it will come all the way back. I think people want to hear what comedians have to say about this

This is a whole new I mean, you know that you say you survived a pandemic You can say that when you get to that point and and people are gonna want to hear what you have to say about it. I Think people need to laugh more than ever now I mean, you know, I don't and people doing these virtual fucking comedy shows. I'm going fucking knock it off But could we stop with the virtual? I seen you in front of a packed house on a Saturday night go down like an Iraqi fighter pilot What makes you think it'd be any funnier from your fucking living room your wife? Just fucking walked out of the living room when you taping you said stop it. It's look man

The cats making a rope to hang himself. I swear to God. You're up there with you fucking Screwship fucking act. You're I was I've seen those things And I love listen much respect For giving it a shot. It just doesn't work for me. Look at you ever see a guy get fucked on the ass my mistake It looks fun Looks like a lot of fun some guys struggling his head's like a little retard You know I'm saying some big black dude is fumbling in the air. Yeah, yeah You're like that looks like fun to do that to somebody. That don't mean you want to do it

If I get done doing it, you're not gonna fuck a quarter minutes out of your house I'm March 2nd. I sat here with Lee and played Johnny genius I know me and Lee we're gonna get the pantry on going in charge ten bucks a month And I was gonna move that chair put that couch slide it down and put Simone Uh, Eric Rocha me Lee and and Dean del Rey in here every night. Yeah, and just do a night of new material every night tonight's topic Draw it out of the hat penises. Boom three minutes. Yeah, three minutes. I thought this was gonna work And then I was like I'm gonna kill them We're gonna kill each other because somebody's gonna get the corona right because I knew just sitting there by myself

Wasn't really gonna cut it. I just know I just know you need that energy You need that now. I know that there's people that have certain platforms That they have people watching you and that laughter is delayed. Yeah, people are really trying. Yeah, god bless them You know what for me? I'm taking a breather. I'm with you. I'm taking a breather. I mean, I've been approached to do a couple I'm just not I mean like I mean realistically It's been a fucking month like you've been you've been by yourself from I get it some people don't have the skill set But I certainly don't want you sitting in your living room with a fucking ukulele

Doing fucking song parodies like everybody turns into weird al yankovic. I go Don't you have something else like it's like it's not doing anything for me is these people are fucking turning like, you know Fucking Karen's a fucking expert on infectious diseases like shut the some dude shaved his fucking chest hair into a bat signal and dyed it blue You ought to be quarantined for a fucking three weeks Hey, here about Tommy Esposito. No, what happened? He sucked a dick. Is he gay? No He was just bored throwing quarantine and decided to see what he's missing. Yeah, like people like Knock it the fuck off. It's only been a couple weeks Well, I mean, is this what comics talk about because I always hear comics

Complain all the roads boring you're by yourself in a hotel room It sounds like that's kind of like you guys have been preparing for this like for me. I'm not I'm doing fine I've been quarantined for years. I like being by myself I get it. But there's also people that have mental issues that don't do well and stuff like this and need human contact or whatever I'll tell you know Ever since the beauty salons closed with the nail salons and selfies have dropped like the stock market Ain't nobody fucking posted selfies no more. If I get the eyelashes are falling off They got to get the

I'm baking. I mean, you're not able to wax your back and fucking You know, I just Those are fucking reality. It is been served. I think it's a hard set for humanity I think it's a hard reset for you man. I think a lot of people have taken things for granted We've got to place it. Thank you. We've uh, little things. Thank you Turns out now are the big things the handshakes hugging your friends telling jokes having a drink having some laughs together I'm telling you man You'll never take that shit for granted ever again. And but we have we have we've been mean to each other

You know what you realize is this has proven to me The planet earth is a giant human eco sphere and we're all kind of connected What hurts the guy on the other side of the world hurts me as well And that we should all fucking learn to what I do Have faith in is that we got some of the smartest minds in the world trying to solve this problem And we're all united in one cause I think I think we need to be more like that. I think people need to be more like that I think people need to be kinder. You see someone struggling. Stop help them up. Don't be a mean fucking asshole

Be kind. I think that you see Like even nature like the the air is as clear as it's been rivers are coming back fish are like repopulating And maybe this was much much the nature's way of going. Hey listen, we live on a planet where anything could kill you spiders snakes Carol Baskin a lot of shaking fucking kill you on the planet, you know But this is I think it's just a real hard reset for humanity And I think you should just like you said on the way in People doing some of that big work up top doing big work. They haven't thought and it's high school

Nobody's really thought since high school. Yeah, you got into high school college SATs bcts At resumes you move from emerson. You're in an apartment. You don't know what's going on. Yeah They're charging you for parking that, you know, you've never had a chance To really sit down with your own outside Blee and I gotta tell you this I tell you this seriously, you know how what this work out when I've been selling you is It's a form of meditation. Yeah to let you know. It's okay when you get back from walking with steve

I want you to go upstairs take off your pants immediately take off your shirt Don't eat nothing. Don't sit out on your couch. Jump in a shower You get out And this is where the true meditation comes in. This is what's going to build your heart Is the stretching and at the end of the stretching Sitting for the best amount of time that you can Even if you lay down and yoga they call it, uh

Savasana And just realize at the end of your work outcome your heart down And this is what's helped me the last couple weeks to just First week or two that I was hitting the bag Guys, I was five minutes away from a stroke. Yeah I was scared to death because the fear Was coming up my neck that stroke type shit But I would punch through the fear and just kept throwing hooks and digging into the body like rocky

And it seemed you know I was so scared that the first five minutes of anything I did Whether it was body weight squats I wouldn't need five minutes just to relax My heart and mind would spin out of control So this has become like I'm back to meditating. Yeah, meditating. It sounds so good, man. It's it just calms it all down Close your eyes

Breathe Focus on your nose and breathing And let everything go away your mother your father the cat. You know what you can't pay rent Who gives a fuck? Yeah Let's fucking dummy llamas We just release just release I do that every day after my workout outside in the heat of the sun Sweat and I gotta wipe my eyebrows while I'm doing it. I just sit there put my fingers together as gay as it sounds

I give gratitude for what I have I give gratitude for what I don't have And I go Jesus Christ. I just finished the workout. I'm gonna live another day Regardless all these people they're showing you the tubes and their noses and you know It's just we gotta be very we're fortunate. Yeah, I I think I think you're right. I think that daily gratitude I've been doing that. You know, I've been saying my rosary every night. This is it I've been saying my basics again. No more fucking around. I mean, you know, I say my rosary before I go to bed at night I pray for the front liners the EMTs the doctors and nurses the people

That are really on the front line to this thing my family my friends the people I love and care about And in the morning I do that stretching get up to stretch and I do that meditation. I'm telling you It's the only thing keeps me sane. It does. I don't watch. I don't even turn on my tv. I don't watch the news No, no more. You know what I got? I turn on the news at six. I turn on the six o'clock news While I'm moving around and eating dinner, but no more sitting in front of my buddy Yeah, my buddy gave me this gift a while back was one of those old style iPods And it literally it has every top 40 song in every category from like 1955 To 2013 it's got the entire Beatles collection. It's got the theme song for the

For the tv shows that you grow up watching, you know, I mean It's got everything 150 gigabyte. And I just pick an artist like you're there. There was pink Floyd Bam all day long with the pink Floyd just listening led zeppelin billy You know just listening to music and I don't I don't watch it. It calms me down. No, you can't watch You watch that news show you you you you've been under the end table Working on a callous of the roof of your mouth from a load of revolver. You know, I mean, I can't you know You know what I was doing I was watching from Because I'm I love being scared. I was watching the news from three to four

So I would watch world world, you know, eyewitness news. Yeah, locally and then the world news tonight with david Mule at four o'clock I'd be shaking And that's why I was forcing myself to go outside and hit the back. Yeah, that's why my stress levels were so high Then I said, let me try it without watching the news. I was Muhammad Ali I was bouncing stinging, you know, I did it doing fucking sugary liners by myself And I go, that's it. No more news about two years ago. No more news about two years ago I fucking had had the cable company come get the box Yeah, get this out of my house

Why do you think they call a fucking programming people sitting around just putting fear in your head It's putting control on you with fear You know, I want to say this too before we get on off on a tangent I know a lot of people are big fans of comedy here. You get the church family But a lot of comedians that you support like you said, no one's working But if you go to pandora and spotify and you listen to some of your favorite artists that helps them get You know a little bit of money at the end of each month like, you know So a lot of guys are like, you know, just go listen to some of your favorite artists that helps them out like comedians and whatnot. So

It's a good thing to you know, it's like we're not working either. I don't know when I'm going to go back I don't know when it's going to come back. So You know, it's a way to way to help out some of your favorite comedians. You go listen to the stuff or whatever it is Go listen on spotify and pandora and you know, they get a couple You know get a couple pennies on every song or whatever the deal is but it helps out Are you willing to get on planes tomorrow? Are you ready to get on plane? I'm going to plane tomorrow, you know, I gotta I gotta it's uh, it's funny I had this corporate gig that got canceled was supposed to be like, uh, you know, march 28th. So they moved it to may 20th

Now they're talking about virtual doing a virtual show. I said, well, listen, tell I mean I'm making any money. I'll do it. You already paid me half, but I'll do it but You know the price with the price is you know, I mean, I didn't have anything to do with this and just As I'll do the virtual comedy show. I'll do some stuff. I said if you're going to do that I said make sure you have people On the other thing so you can cut the meat tail on a joke And then you can cut to like the 20 people on the other side of zoom laughing and stuff

So it makes it seem like it's a real comedy show I said, so if you have the people call in, I mean, it's for guilders house I want to raise that money up out But have like the 20 people sitting there so I could do the joke cut to me Then you cut to them Then you cut the meat out another that way it seems like a comedy show If you're going to do it do it that way, you know And then maybe we can do a q&a and they can ask me anything and we could do the

You know the time or whatever. I mean Listen, I I'd love I mean Other than I don't know what other than that I don't know what to do and I don't know when it's going to come back to full swing I'm just hoping that Doesn't go off for too long. I don't want to become a solo artist on fucking pornhub Under the name of pinky I mean everything I'm trained to do it's an acting

I mean You had to cancel that thing with the sopranos they reflect and pick that up Would you ever go back to do that or no? What are you going to do? Yeah, I mean it's it's like acting or stand up or anywhere You know even I'm looking at things right now going. How are they going to do this? How are they going to do that? I got a call last week and they said that they pushed the movie back Yeah till March 12

And uh That once things slowed down they would try to put the band back together to shoot that one scene, right? I My response was we're gonna have to see when that scene is at what time Because I'm 57 And I fit into all those things and I'm not even traveling for comedy. Yeah, like I'm not traveling for comedy I'm holding on to my brand date in June Yeah, I've got a Vegas July 31st, which I normally get an addendum poor because they're not going to be able to seat

1600 people in there. Right. I've got August 30 August 1st at San Diego I could walk there. Yeah You know, yeah, and I got Salt Lake City September 4th and 5th If they hold on yeah, you know, you got to remember What comedians what people don't know at home and then everybody knows that every every aspect of life has a slow and a busy season Ours is October through May is when we thrive Yeah, if you want to go on the summer, there's nothing wrong with it, but you're fighting against vacations barbecues After school part, you know, yeah, plus everything's been postponed or delayed

So they're gonna have to make up all these other dates for all these other shows they cancelled I doubt that like theater acts are going back to the clubs. That's not going to happen. I think it's gonna have to happen You think so It's gonna have to happen where you're gonna start I think about what what's blue bill blooming right? It's gonna do. Yeah, it's 1200 seats Yeah, I'm not gonna put you have to put 400 you got to handle those dates. Yeah to move on until they do open up Yeah

Well, I also I also think that you know the comedy clubs are you know, they haven't been working either for three months So they're gonna come back out of this struggling a little bit and trying to figure out how to You know juggle all this stuff. It's gonna be it. It'll be interesting to see How they start to move back me. I love to go entertain. I know what people are going through Yeah, I love to go out during the week and crack jokes. I think it's gonna go back to monday through sunday. Yeah Comedy wow, we'll go back to seven nights a week That's one thing. I think so

It makes sense We're trying to get shows out if I could get jodya's to come in Monday and tuesday. Yeah and bang out seven and nine for 140 people Out through seven nights a week. Yeah So schedules are gonna change that's gonna be good. You go out of town now on a tuesday and wednesday. Yeah, that's cool. You're not gonna get the profit Margin you're gonna get the percentages as friday thursday and saturday No, but the thing is it'll start to come back

And I think the other thing is too as long as you you watch the w cover. I mean people have been quarantined For it will be almost for two months. So if you didn't have it Then you don't have it. I mean you just gotta you know, I'm not I mean no one's gonna go to a nfl game with all those people But I mean small groups of people nothing is burning me up more than walking through the living room And then talking about another fell drafty other day And like sitting there going around and got rid of what's his name and i'm like guys You gotta bring back baseball first. Yeah You gotta bring back the NBA final

So I guess friday the NBA players start practicing by themselves. Yeah You know, what are you gonna do? They're thinking you know the idea, right? Yeah, vegas putting every team in a different hotel and nobody's allowed in and out and they only Play you only go to one place to play they're trying to put something Something together. Yeah, so nobody has to travel Every hotel in vegas is utilized. That's empty. They're all empty empty Nobody goes in and out except the players and they get shuttled right through an arena

They get tested they play each other. This is one option. I heard. Yeah, this makes sense You know baseball you're gonna have to go back To a third of the thing. I don't want to sit next to anyone. I don't want nobody behind me. Yeah I don't want a fat guy behind me yelling go dodges. That's not gonna happen with hot dog chunks going all over my neck Yeah, you know they they've they've they What they did they're gonna have to redo look at playing. Yeah new seating on playing

I think there's also new cleaning guidelines on playing. Oh, yeah, thank god. I think they're gonna Yeah, they're like germ tubes. Oh, yeah, they have to I think you're gonna have they're gonna do the cleaning guidelines are gonna be different everything's gonna be different I think eventually it will go back to like where it was I think if there's no second wave of this thing There is gonna be a second way you think so. You know, why don't I know? Why? Disney's not opening Yeah, and then you got all the liability for that stuff too. Disney is not opening

So 2021 that even if you're a retard You're at home thinking to yourself. Disney's not opening Disney's on the jack up that Pixar division because that they could do Everybody could work on animation by themselves. Yeah, they're gonna bring back the looney tunes Nice that we're doing all that stuff They're gonna I'm looking forward to it. Yeah. No They're gonna beef up that, you know, they're not it's like some girl put well. I hope they do construction it Did you see that? Yes, right? No some girl put on there from the church. I hope they do construction and fix some of the disney

Well, is that are you retarded? Yeah Did somebody hit you in the head with a stick boat should be guys in your eye They're closing those places because they know 70% of people have to fly over here To go to disney land. I got Angelino's go to disney land. Yeah, I got news for you. I don't think that's I don't think uh They may ban that china and that international immigration. That's That stuff's done too. That ain't coming back. There's no more immigration or you ain't coming into the country I think that's going to extend for a little while. My cousin sent me pictures of the streets of cuba

Nobody They just extended orders in some town in mexico and if you see on your street, they're gonna shoot you. Yeah Without a fucking head mask Yeah, if you're on the street without a mask in mexico, there's some city right now a couple of them Yeah, that they just stated we're just going to shoot you dude I was reading the story the other day about in china and this is what this is the like the scary thing There are 21 million less cell phone users since this like virus broke out and stuff. So I mean, I think they like there's there's 21 million less

cell phone users that were For no reason just like during the vibe that just dropped off like this does I mean, that's how they were starting to think about the numbers and they said these are lying about them like that They know all that shit. They're like they there's a like 21 million less cell phone users all this We're all talking because we take it seriously Like did you see that what happened yesterday in orange county at the beach like 40,000 people were at newport beach Like that's why it's gonna come back because a lot of people just aren't taking it seriously They listen, I'm not mad at those people

There's most people that drive by and they see a line and they'll pull over and stand on that line To give them comfort or warmth, you know the reason why you can't go to a park and walk around No whole park because eventually Three people will walk up on you doesn't mean they're bad people It's our natural Thing to be close to yeah, and be social. We're social social social distancing Is gonna work if you make it work If you lay your line and tell people oh

Stop right there. Yeah Did you see the thing I posted the other day about the liquor store in the Bronx? Yeah, that's my mentality. What's it my mentality is basically This is one of the funniest things I've ever read. I hope Oh, so was it a note hanging on the door? Yeah, if you cough you're dead you get the Did you see that? Yeah. Yeah, I saw that that's my state of mind. I'm with you my state of mind is basically Here it is plain and fucking simple If you fucking

If you're gonna be that fucking stupid Because I love I love exactly what he said he said the exact Words I would write in front of my fucking business I don't know where the fuck it is No titty money No, no sock money. No sock money I can't find it now. I'll put it doesn't matter, but that's the exact way I feel Yeah, don't be pulling shit out of your sock. Don't be pulling out of your breasts

He set a line in there That was so brilliant. And this is the one what it what he says Shut the fuck up Oh Shut the fuck up Don't Shut the fuck up. The reason why I do or remove I do early Is because I want to do the percentages of people that have been in that place. Yeah

So I try to cut it real early like I go to wargreens at 8 15 I went to the super my super market opens 6 a.m. I'm the first guy in line Ralph's on the corner of uh You're gonna die there. Don't go to Ralph. Go to Billy Donald's market. Oh, yeah, look at that Shut the fuck up buy your shit and leave immediately No titty or sock money Stand back at least six feet player Store capacity to five motherfuckers at once you cough you die drink responsibly

And it's true that's it. Don't come in here with questions. Yeah, you know, is that you know, we got no lice off Why are you asking? There's a fucking 141. What's that? Why you said that why you go to what's a lot of Valley village it's just a small one. It's like a little but Yeah, there's a little M&M market right by the corner right there on more parking that that's the one I go to Somebody turn me up to a place for meat the other day real how I went in there not a soul in there My wife made a steak last night tasting like fucking god's Personal fucking beef. Oh, yeah, dude that M&M marketing. There's little places over there. Oh, handy handy a little M&M market

Yeah, he got the chicken marinated already the sausage is fresh. It's great So she was what do you say? I mean, this is We've gone through two huge Fucking explosions at the company store The explosion of that you witnesses a young man. Yeah, and the explosion that you're a part of now How long till we get it back to that I Think first of all, they're only opening up one room

Yeah, well slowly They'll get back but it's gonna it's gonna take months. I think it's gonna take a lot of comics out of the business Yeah, I think yeah, I think a lot of comics are gonna rearrange their lives and go, you know, this is where I was at I've done this for 18 years My wife is you know, yeah, I mean and I feel bad for people but at the same time I've always said that everybody's gonna get their own personal silver lining out of this I know for a fact. Yeah, but I I know guys over the years Joey did like guys that they got married. They had kids and I just said

Effort, I'm not I'm not I'm gonna my kids are more important. My family's more important So, you know, I don't want to be fucking away from my kids I guess started the coach in the football team. So we got out of comedy all the people do You're right. I think people will hit like to go, you know what fucking life's too short If I ain't doing something I love to do if I ain't doing something to feed my soul Then why do it? I think also I think other people I think other people that do nine to five jobs are gonna go, you know Yeah, I'm some say and they may go into something

Artistic or it's gonna go both ways. I think if if you've taken some time to reflect over this period You know, what am I doing? I'm gonna work for fucking, you know, 30 years and then I got 10 years before I die and I'm gonna go live my life. I mean if anything Go do something that feeds your fucking soul. I don't tell look Listen, look, I'd rather fail doing something I love to do Then succeed at something I fucking do that I hate it Then I gotta win every day hate my fucking life And I gotta tell you Joey if all this ended tomorrow between me and you

I've had the most amazing life me too. I've hung I've traveled the world. I've seen I've made people laugh I've had the greatest fucking time I had a great fucking run and if I gotta figure out something to do after this I will but I mean I have to tell you, uh I think it will come back. I think it will eventually get back to where it was but You're right. It's gonna change some things and things gonna have to come different I do I think it's gonna come raging back eventually it will get back to where it is before this happened But it's gonna be months. I mean people just want to feel safe, you know

I mean, you know, you got a metal detectors running probably people taking the temperature before they come into the club, you know, I mean There's gonna be some new safety protocols How many years have you been doing comedy for? Jesus like 33 years I'm pretty safe to say you fucking love it. I told I love it. I fucking I miss You know, let me tell you something. There's this guys who do this that are that are famous and they do it because You know, it's the next sideline. I do it because I love to do it I really do it for a dollar a 10,000 and I've done it for four people and I've done it for 2700

You know, I love to do it. There's nothing that makes me feel the way I feel after I get done killing a crowd I mean, I'm a true real Fucking stand-up comic. I mean, I've made every fucking sacrifice of my life for this And and I've traveled I've been doing it for 33 years and I just It's still look. I'm not I'm not a bitter prick. I mean, I know a lot of guys Dude, I fucking love I love when I see you at the store. You're limping You come in and you look I remember when I first got to the store like I'm trying to do that audio book yeah, so I'm trying to outline my life is uh

Chapter one at the store and chapter two at the store. Yeah, two different scenarios at the store When I went into the store the first time I went into the store as a scrub My eyes opened my mouth shut just learning watching You know, I fell in love with mitzi. I got to do drugs. I met my wife. Yeah, and then I left one day And I came back with an audience. Yeah, there's a complete different Jodias and the first Jodias that went in there Yeah, I went in there a scrub, you know host the doorman Yeah, I was the doorman in the back door on sunday nights. I drove the van Me too, you know, this is a runner job. Yeah, the runner job. I remember the first time I met you. Yeah, give it

Call your guy. What are you saying? I'll never forget going to your house you cooked for me And there was a monday night football game on the broncos were playing And I called the whole series dude. He's calling the game. He goes he goes he's gonna run this in All the way runs it and he goes stupid. I used to call this game. This is what I did, dude It was the greatest thing We're drinking some red wine. We're eating some chili. We're watching laying around on the floor like a couple of looking 13 year olds Watching monday night football

Dude, it was great. It was great. Jimmy was one of my mentors. I listened to what jimmy said He hooked me up with his manager who's still a dear friend today. He just came to my show in vegas He had tears in his eyes when he saw me. Yeah, dude. He loves you man. We love each other We were like a tight. We were we were batman's villains. Yeah, that was the name of our crew It was like a Billy Gardell Johnny Sanchez, I think you know Sanchez We were he had a group of comedians and and and then he became like this manager and I swear to god, bro

You're right. I don't think Like that guy I'm I wish I could find a guy like that guy. Yeah, he doesn't exist today That's what I said to you. I've never had a person in my career like that Since him. Yeah, did you talk to him in vegas? Yeah, he's come out to see me a couple times. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah And he even called me one day and he's like Are you looking for a manager? This is about two years ago. And I'm like, I don't really know. He goes Who's doing work for you up in ca? Let me get the fucking phone. I'm like, no

Because his world is all gone Yeah, like the people he was doing business with it's like that scene in the sopranos when the the inspector comes to inspect the house And the carmela's father's like get pudgy waters on the phone And he goes pudgy retired eight years ago. Yeah, and he's like That's what getler would come back to. Yeah, it's a different world. His his number one nemesis was Judy brown. Oh god. Now. Judy brown would take him and throw him off a building Yeah, he doesn't even compete in that level no more. So I considered him because I loved him as a manager Yeah, but you're right. I think that's what

Like he would just talk to fucking people. Yeah, he won't give a shit, dude. I think that's like Hey, well, why can't we I'm gonna do god bless him. That dude got me a pilot and freaking two development deals. So You're right. I mean, I thought about it too. Well, you're right. His world's different now. It's a different it's a difference And he was a different type of dude when he managed When he called you he called you to rip your heart out Like I still remember being with him in his convertible One day he picked me up to meet him for lunch. We had a meeting with an agent. Yeah Over by uh, Highland that old disgusting building on Highland as you made the turn up to the 101 now

It's like fucking beautiful There was a building there with bums hung out across the street. They saw a horn And I still remember he took me to see that later. He told me right out. He was listen I set your tape everywhere at that time. CAA wanted me when I was with He's like, this is the weirdest thing. I can't keep him calls from a guy that's CAA for you But the holidays passed and he switched agents So I was fucked. So I still remember one day Jeff picking me up

meeting him like on hollywood And he drove me to this ladies And they were called the daniel hoff agency. Yeah, and the word on the street was the lady had quit like You know CAA or whatever at that time. Yeah and took her Roster to this agent and nobody knew about it. She was doing great things. Yeah, and I remember I know I know the agency Yeah, I remember hearing that agency. I remember walking in with him going. I'm not silent with these people This was an old crickety building Yeah, nobody offered you water. Yeah

They had like three that's old hollywood, dude. That's old hollywood, bro And you could hear her in there yelling. Fuck you Get in the audition and don't call me back click Who's next? I remember walking in there with jeff and going jeff. I don't want to sign with this lady because this is your only option Dude, you tell that out. You know what getland did bro. This is a true story. I was doing a road gig I'm flying in. I got I got a freaking audition It was for one hour photo that soccer I was playing a soccer coach for with rob Williams

Is in the movie He picks me up At the airport. I throw my bags in his car. He drives me to the audition I go in I fucking I did a great audition If I could I wound up getting a fucking job And then he fucking dropped me off at home. I mean that what where do you get a fucking manager like that? In hollywood the guy picked me up at the fucking airport and drove me

To the audition I defy Any fucking manager in the industry today? I mean that's fucking a manager. I did he picked me up You want to fucking sit there tell me I need more fucking twitter followers. Go fuck yourself I mean this guy picked me up the airport. It was a different one. I was I learned so much from him that was all bullshit Like the headshot theory She despite yeah, he you just call you up. You know the auditions. He got me with no headshot

He's a different dude. He was a different dude and that's why he couldn't last because The the last conversation I had him I heard with him one time on the phone It was not pleasant But I still remember going to meet like you have to meet him once a month at his office Yeah And go over stuff with him and I still remember hey there because you had a park in century city mall Yeah, and walk and cross and then you had to climb fucking 18 floors up that you know that that girl that answered the phone still works in that office

Is that funny? That's his father's insurance office. So he shared his father's insurance office with him Yeah, when we did break up though, it's like the same thing he said to you about the end goes I go Jeff can just get me He goes shoot me. I called everybody. I said everybody He goes I called everybody and nobody wants to be in the jimmy schuber business And I was like He got fucking balls, bro. At least try to sugarcoat a little bit Yeah, he didn't play he goes I got everybody said nobody wants to be in the jimmy schuber

He goes fucking nobody and I was like, you know what Jeff? I go, maybe They don't want to be in the jeff getland business And I was nothing to do with me. Maybe and towards the end. He was like, yeah, because he would you know He would call you and go hi lee. How you doing? Uh, and you're like, who's this? This is jeff getland. You don't know who I am I'm a manager a comedy manager. I've been watching your show on this was the most brilliant thing he ever did in front of me Yeah, he's like, I've been watching your show on cbs and I can tell the numbers are going down Can you imagine getting that call from somebody telling you that?

I was there. I was in the office and he would go your your radians are going down I watched six episodes of your show. You got that fucking dead beat Like he would just talk like that You got that dead beat jimmy schuber in there. Have you you know, lee sciatis? Lee sciatis one of the funniest comics working tonight As a matter of fact, I think you should write them into your show Lee's doing a showcase to that a 45 at the improv I suggest you go because if not your show's gonna keep tacking

And you're gonna lose. I mean lee like that Yeah, and it will work. Sometimes you work. Yeah, sometimes it was sometimes it didn't sometimes it didn't He got me auditions with rona crest He got me auditions with people at that time That most people could work 10 years and not get auditions with Well, I got because he would like that fucking that's why I don't listen to anything Why do you think I don't listen to anything? There was a time that guy had me doing three

Four auditions a day a day a bad like like dude, you had to like I felt like boretta The trunk of my car. I had a you know, I could put a wig a suit coat change You look like boretta everything it didn't I mean, you know never ended and it was never like that again I mean there was never I mean I mean he left. He took me to aquapucco to tell me Yeah, he took me to aquapucco on lasienica. Yeah when they were down the block from the strip club And he bought me lunch and he was I just want to tell you I'm quitting the mountain management business Yeah, I'm going to vegas. There's a roll for you in it. If you want it Yeah, I'll put you on the billboard and I was like, I don't want but it only paid $50 a show

Yeah, you have to do like 18 shows a week and I was like, that's not how when will I do stand-up? He does what you could do stand-up on mondays and tuesdays I was like, I don't want to do it and we stayed friends But his work ethic always stayed with me And whenever people would call me and say I need new head shots. Fuck you Sell the fucking pictures that you got and when we sell a job, then we'll get new head shots Yeah, and that would be the end of it and it was because of gallant all the lessons I learned to even today I think gallant would be a little too heavy for today's

Comedy thing. Yeah, he would have burned because if he would have had six people He would have thought netflix to go fuck me. So yeah, and I think you I think he even back then I think he rubbed people the wrong way like he said, you know, there's like I thought he was a sweetheart I always thought he was the sweetest man in the world But when he got down, he was one of those desert jews when he rolled the sleeves dog You were going you were going and listen, I did great He booked me in basketball. Remember I was in your house The night before I shot the scene

We drank a gallon of red wine and we did a lot of other things And I remember slipping in bed with my girlfriend and also she's like, oh my god, we gotta get up I have to drive you to the coliseum She thought I had slept all night. I was up all night. Oh, no I get to the coliseum and they're like mr. Diaz. You're the first scene up I'm like, I've been coming here for three fucking weeks. Nobody's talked to me I do 10 eight balls and drink a gallon of red wine. Now. I'm the first fucking scene up I stunk like fucking dick. I look like dick when you see baseball

And you see me in that scene. I was up the whole night before Snorting up fucking dust and dude, I felt so bad for you because you're gonna Oh, he's gonna go work on a set because I kept telling you one more hour Yeah, one more line than I'll leave. No, but you but the funny thing is it's like usually you go to a set And you got like four or five hours before they even need you you go lay down in your trailer, but You're the first scene up bro. You're the first scene. Oh, I basically went home to take a shower Eat something. No, I didn't even eat nothing. I drank like a beer making myself come down And I got in my girlfriend's car. She drove me to the coliseum

And I got there and I had to do that whole scene fucking not now. I still remember them going step on the mark Mr. Diaz, can you please go to the mark and I'm like I am at the mark and they're like no And finally thank God some sweet assistant came on. She's like, no They want you over here And by the time I had a shoot there was no more roller skates left because I had stole all the roller skates So in that scene I'm supposed to have roller skates on none of us have roller skates on Because I couldn't roller skate When they when I got the job they asked me if I could roller skate

Before I get a job, I'll tell you whatever you want to hear I Are you can you do trapeze act? Yeah, we'll figure it out when we get there, right? If not, why is somebody else I fucked up. It's the truth It's the fucking truth You do you tell them whatever you need. Can you do a swan dive? Yeah, I could do a swan dive Okay The day of the shoot because at the end it's like when sons of anarchy called joint

They said you have to ride a motorcycle So You know how many people went in there and said you ride a motorcycle? Yeah, and then shoot came the day and they're like I never rode a motorcycle so they put you on the scooter And they pull you and they put the camera high on you. Yeah, and you think they think you're driving. You're not driving Yeah, so that's you're in a puller. They're just pulling you And they and you're like

Like making believe that's a scooter that's pulling you you don't need to learn how to ride a motorcycle I'm sure that after the first season Jack's teller and some of the regulars picked up effects paid for them to get lessons just to Do whatever but when you take a job 9 out of 10 You lie to get that job. I just read an article on yahoo christmope the santi Did you read that in the sopranos? No never drove a car When he got the job at the pilot

He got a job. It was he was going to be toni's driver Right He never said nothing to him that he couldn't drive So when you're watching the soprano private pilot and he's driving Did you call that guy yesterday and fucking? Tell him that you were supposed to pick him up and he's like no My mother said I shouldn't even have come to work for that because I was sick And all that shit

He didn't know how to drive he ended up banging up the car and he goes i'm done I look he looked over at james gandalfini james gandalfini was laughing And that was what happened. That's why I don't I tell people all the time tell them whatever they need to hear Dude, remember that fucking sign language guy that got next to barack obama door to nelson-mandela thing Yeah, and the guy's like six feet from love mama. He's doing the fucking sign language thing And people watching this going saying the same fucking thing over and over like he only had three fucking moves the guy was like a You know, he's just fucking

He laughed about the sign language And got right next to the president like i'm going that's fucking insane to me that you could fucking what about all the sign language now How many people got to cover the death? It seems like every time I watch the cover they're talking like that people To check what the white has a chubby little black girl. That's cute. She moves and wiggles No, they make faces like I was saying to all the skinny guy for garcetti. He's got to go He's got autism. Well, no that that fucking guy got that's part of it. The animation. He's pan frittata that guy He's making noise. Oh, he's doing little things. Why dude, and I said my brother

Fucking bothering me. I said, did you see the fucking faces to make it? He goes, yeah, you'd be making faces too If your fingers were full of shit I'd be having my own good time Get the fuck out of the country Abandon ship buy cocaine at 1 800 cocaine Get that blow right now and he's like, are you This guy's a fuck this guy behind me. He's a big jerk off. I would trust that fouchy smells like ass. How can he be a scientist? 1 800 cocaine

And I guarantee like when I see a black sign language person, I guarantee black people home going what the fuck Have you guys done shows with them on stage? Who sign language? No, no, no, but they do they do Colleges and stuff. Yeah, they don't I gotta tell you something, bro I'm actually I was going to take an online course It's another hard to become a sign language interpreter because you know In the middle of a fucking pandemic you're gonna work You know, they said they got fucking they got people at the city level draw up to see where you can sign up the sign language

I took two semesters of in college. Did you really? Yeah, it was because I'm terrible at languages But it's just english so you're learning you're just learning I can still spell I don't remember any of the words Yeah, because those motherfuckers are killing it right now, bro. Yeah, that's your new job Well, you could you go if you could fucking do that I mean, you know, you got guys at the federal level that they make pretty good fucking dough, man And they're always gonna need those how you've noticed I have my favorite interpreters now Isn't that funny? I've never seen qualmos interpreter But sorry caddy's got the skinny guy that looks like poorly kelp those the kid I grew up with

And then the chick from the whatever in LA the lady with the stringy hair. She was like Harry's mother Yeah, she looks like fucking but you see them all and they all do the same Like you said, you got your favorite ones to do it. Yeah, I got my favorite ones I don't even know what the fuck they're saying But it's just interesting watching them and who the hell, you know Sometimes it's even a little distracting because you're not watching a guy you're watching this No, I always do watch the sign language and I listen to the other lady You know, I had wanted a show because I was doing a benefit and they had one

And I was throwing in words like leather cheerio just to see what the fuck she would make up for I would say and then I stuck it in a balloon knot Sign language I'm coming up with the dirtiest fucking and I said sausage while Jimmy shoes is crazy that you've been doing this 33 years man. You've seen it all Would would would this bother you if this ended our careers And like I said joey man, I look I'd have to figure something out, but I will tell you That uh, you still part of the magic house. Yeah. Yeah, I still do the magic I do that set up my whole dining room like I have this bar

And I moved it away from the wall and I put my dining room table out and I set up a little Kind of like theater so I could work on some shit keeps me from fucking going crazy It gets crazy how I first time I went to the house at the wood doing the santeria ritual I seen the two pigeons in the cage. I'm like, I didn't know Jimmy I thought we're gonna cut some chicken heads off and make some fucking Book some rolls and shit. Yeah, but then you told me you were magician and I was blown away You have your own pigeons. Do you know I used to years I didn't let it go into my mind that jimmy shoe was a magician

I love I love seeing them because I would have stabbed them. I'm not big. I'm magician. No, I'm not I felt bad about it. It was like my dirty little secret. I didn't want to tell people It was one of the greatest Greatest stories I ever heard and it sounded a lot like dice That you started as a magician and I started as a Travolta impersonator You know you look at that and how You started as a magician. You told me your dad would take you down there. You'd have the cape when you were 14 Yeah, I do shows for the children's hospital 14

That's why I fell in love with fucking performing because you got a six kids these sick kids were down there And then all these african-american nurses would go you got to come to our church And so I would do these fucking west filled up your fucking churches They were like my dad's drive me down there with them Like he said that the oversized tuxedo and he's got nine millimeter on we drop off at the back door and go into the church and do shows But you know Carson was a big fucking Johnny Carson They have a thing over there like a whole tribute thing to Johnny Carson, but it's I like it man It's just something else to do. It's like somebody playing the drums or guitar for me

It's just something that keeps me sane if I get to work on something besides fucking is doc up there Doc who the magician up at the magic castle because I know you got into the magic castle Yeah, yeah the magic castle. Yeah, the doc Easton is a guy up there that works, but this but you talk to him Yeah, what's the while telling your friends? All right, he hates me why? Why'd you I mean I got 200 people that hate me. He's gotta be in the top three. Whoa. Really? Yeah Why because he was a magician at the at the tower restaurant

In aspen, colorado in 1983 the tower was off The tower was on does he talk about it? No, but I know doc Easton is a guy that fucking was a denver fucking major He's like one of these guys. He's one of the greatest bar magicians ever. So Doc Easton worked at the tower as a magician during winter season and what his angle was Was he take a playing card and then he go up to a tourist and go Put an amount of money there I'm gonna put a thumbtack under it and there's a read a rotating fan If I could throw it up and stick it in the ceiling I keep the 20

If it comes down, I'd give you your 20 back plus whatever $20 So every night doc could be out there doing card tricks. I'd be in the back dishwashing I was a dishwasher a friend of mine knew I lifted weights and hit the bag So he goes work with us on prime rib night. You can eat all the prime rib you want. I'll give you all the mistakes That's how I started working at as a that was 18 right and that's going on When I'm down Tuesday nights and we do a couple bumps of coke and and then when I'd have to bring Glasses out to the bar. I'd watch this doc guy And he'd be doing this to people all these white people giving 50s and 100s trying to show up

When Texans came up they go up then Do it let's do it for 200 man And he would put 200 dollar bills squish them into the thumbtack Put the ace of spades over the nine of hearts or whatever number And he'd do something and it'd stick on the ceiling Ah, god damn it. So one night After work, you know, I'm stocking the bar and I look over and I go I bet I could jump up there and take that on a bill off the fucking ceiling

So I went to the back of the kitchen made sure everybody was doing that thing and I went out there made Like I was putting the bar stools up And I just jumped up and I put down a 50 I said fucking why leave stop there So every night I would pull down like 150 200 bucks. Nobody knows Not even that fucking much This went on for about three weeks. I was just pulling down 200 a night

180 and I'd take a bag of shrimp home I'd go in the closet in the freeze and just take a bag of shrimp I go home about 12 30 my roommate would get up and make garlic shrimp or pasta Jimmy Burkle got arrested. So I never told I never even thought About the fucking money off the walls like if you leave money on the wall, you're a jerk off You deserve to get stolen But he wanted to wait till the end of the season to take it down And have this big rush for the whatever. I must have docked him for a couple grand

And One day I told the story on a podcast and about a week later I got an email from like a representative or something. Fuck you We knew we didn't know who was robbing us. They thought it was a different dishwasher After 30 and they just put together that I was the the criminal up there in 1983 I had destroyed that whole system. I'm not proud of it, but it happened. I gotta tell you before somebody else tells you And uh, so somebody came to me about a year ago At the store and was like, man, I went up to the comedy cast when I mentioned your name

Oh, did I get any of the Love so next time you see him go up to a real casual And then just drop Joey Diaz sends his love and watch it that motherfucker's gonna say Oh, that's it. Yes, you know, our boy Zach wall man. He works. He doesn't any bravo stick that up But he's also he works up there. I did it shows him at frappers. Yeah. Yeah, he works He does uh, he works up there all the time regular baseman. That's so funny. You'd love to hear that story about doggies You know me dog. I taught you everybody at one time. No, I don't do this But hey, you know what we're different people now. We've grown. We've had no that was 1983

Listen, it wasn't just it wasn't just me then I turned everybody else on there Yeah, the Mexican little dishwashers were like fuck him too. They were each clipping but by the end of fucking march It was nothing left. I think I left I started working there November 15th And I left February 1st and I think the last week was the week I got him even heavier That they started noticing. Hmm. Something's going on with the money up here In three months, you can't hold the money Oh, I probably I probably got him for a couple grand I can't wait to see him up there because I do see him up there once in a while to go to Friday

He's gotta be 70. No. Hey, man. Listen that guy. He's gotta be if I'm if I was 18 He probably was 26 Yeah, he's he's he's he's he looks good for his age, but you're right. He's probably about 70 He's probably like the 60s early 70s. It's crazy. I was friends with him and another great friend of yours uh Joe DeLion Joe DeLion another great magicians of the world. I saw that guy where when I was 16 years old

Oh, I thought recently no, I've I've seen he's down in st.p. He's down in florida But I saw Joe DeLion when I was a kid And I'm fucking telling you it was one of the best fucking shows He's sword swallowed. He did fucking mind reading. I mean he was like that guy was like college entertainer of the year Like three or four years running. I mean he was Joe DeLion was a fucking monster, dude I watched that guy and then

I got to work with him many years later at the penny arcade in jersey with ben creed Me and Joe DeLion Was there he booked it. I sat with Joe and I talked to him. I told him about that thing What a great guy. What a great guy. No, he was a great where was ben creed Ben lives in arizona. I not too long ago me and him just did About a year and a half ago. We did the Atlanta punchline again. I mean him to the two headliner show doors Yeah, dude hilarious. I mean he's got yeah, he was always but he's got he's got uh, dude one of the funniest

fucking lines on his He's getting heckled by this woman And he goes and he uh, he's just coming on you there Lady if they had a contest to find the world's biggest cunt You would come in second. He goes, why would I come in second? He goes, that's just such a cunt Like it was one of the lines But ben creed that just that's what yeah, send him my love. No, did I yeah? I mean He uh, he's one of those guys. You mean he was just like he was a monster monster 20 years ago

So I can't imagine what he's doing. Yeah. Yeah, I still do it But like you know those guys like you know like you said man, these guys guys love it You know, it's like you know, you slow down a little bit you get older It's still like a young man's game when you travel like you used to now But I mean you're still doing it still be able to make a living. I think you know a lot of these cruise ship guys are screwed for a year That cruise ship industry ain't coming back anytime soon And there were some guys that were just making their living exclusively on cruise ships. I mean that industry's

You know fuck. So I think those guys may rethink some stuff. You're right It's gonna change it's gonna change some stuff for sure now the album comes out may 15th Yeah, the album comes out may 15th. Where was this tape? This was taped believe it or not Flappers we did I did the album on Friday night and I recorded my special which is on my website. It's uh zero tolerance This is the audio from it's two different two different shows But I listened to this album. I literally had like four editing notes It's I I'm telling you bro. I'm my own worst critic I think this is my best comedy album. I've ever done in my life. It's a monster the writing

I put into it. So look it drops may 15th and all the streaming platforms iTunes everything People get a chance to check it out. I think it's one of my best the best comedy albums. I'm really proud of it Uh, I can't wait for it to come out. I can't wait for people to hear it I am a when it comes to my own fucking shit. I'm a motherfucker And so I was I was like wow I like 22 minutes and I don't even stop till like 22 minutes and take a breath And then I take a breath and I just go 57 minutes a non-stop You know what the what that old school fucking stand up Netflix was great but it took away

And now the country's starting to see it that Unless you're a fucking idiot. Netflix is great And the comics on Netflix are great, but I don't want you just to rely on them There's a whole herd of comedians That Netflix won't do business with for whatever reasons they have That are just as funny or funnier than all those motherfuckers on Netflix except for maybe fucking bill burr but Uh, I never want you to think that

Netflix is the end or be all guys This guy's out there have been doing comedy for 30 years. It'll make your fucking asshole blow up All right from jimmy shuber to david tell to vicki battetto Oh Just not because they're on your favorite little faggy fucking podcast I'm talking about when you get sick and tired of watching all these podcast fags including myself Go check these guys. If you're a real comedy fan guys like jimmy shuber guys like rich vas Guys like david tell that nobody's talking about david tell is my favorite david tell

There's so many guys out there ben creed and ben creed was dangerous 20 years ago Could you imagine the damage ben creed must be doing today? Yeah, and you're over there looking at two fucking idiots On fucking netflix because they got a nice shirt on. Yeah, it's time. You mentioned vicki battetto Who's another guy vicki battetto? It's time to view it You if you haven't learned anything from the podcast is they had you brainwashed with comedy central for 20 years And they thought they were all the comics they were and also the podcast Fucking opens up and you guys get introduced to real comics. You're like, what the fuck is comedy central been showing us

They've been showing us fluff the fucking 20 years Then comedy then then fucking the podcast came along and you got introduced to them Then netflix came along and you got introduced to those cats Don't ever fucking just think that those are the guys that they're out there doing it You get on youtube you're bored You type up vicki battetto. You type up jimmy shuber. You type up fucking ben creed this bobby slayton waiting bobby slayton got less funnier No, he got older and angrier now. He's saying racial slurs outward. He don't give a fuck

You know now is when you go catch these guys remember when rudy was here And told me that I had to go catch the legends before they died now. I can't I did go see guns and roses And I did go see pat benita And I was exposed to a whole different world to help me to be a better comic Yeah, so don't just sit there in your house watching fucking netflix Thinking this is the at all be all those comics are great. I love half of them are dear friends to me but If you're a real comedy connoisseur

jimmy shuber rich vas You know, these are the guys that have been doing it that maybe because they don't have a fancy podcast Or maybe because they're not good at social networking. You haven't paid attention to them Change your shit around you dumb motherfuckers. Look what you learned from the podcast Comedy central was selling you shit. They've been selling you shit for 20 fucking years Then we came along. Go ahead. Look comedy central now They had a pre-draft the fucking david spade show like they got rid of the david spade show How to show in the world they got to look for another house

They do moves that only like They might as well join with new england. You know what i'm saying? Yeah, the new england's management might as well join up with Tommy Why the fuck to get rid of david? And get rid of fucking tom brady I would have put a gun to his fucking head and said I will shoot your cunt in the pussy You were staying right here in new england till the end. I don't whether you like it or not You're not going nowhere. Yeah, the only way you leave here is with corona

A bullet in your head or laura's tail and make a comeback and brace your leg. You're not going nowhere Ain't great house. You don't you start because I'll fucking hit you with a crane your big fuck You'll be squeezing oranges in a fucking that in a fucking mexican die bar in teowanna your fuck Both of you. You don't let your people go like that in the time of whatever. I'm ashamed Everybody in this country is excited for football except the new england people. Yeah, they're sitting up there getting with corona They don't want the corona They get yeah after the murder in the streets give it to me because I can't live without tom brady and rock What the fucking that little short guy that likes videos right now

oh, yeah Right now if you're a boston guy, you want to kill that guy got the angle High yourself for hot little chinese girl with globes on to just knock on this door because he loves those little chinese hand jobs What's the name rough rubber craft robber crafts are doing anything for a little chinky winky hand job Are you saying give me the rubber craft give me the rubber craps contact That mother fuck I feel so bad my heart goes off so bad to Boston right now. Yeah, my heart. I grew up a Boston everything

I love every I respect Celtics. I can't wait a fucking Michael Jordan that thing has been tremendous, but You know this whole thing you left the city that doesn't give a fuck about football no more Well, yeah, that's you took away their heart and their kidney They're walking on half a fucking New England patients on a cova machine right now Wishing they could die Filthy but now again, I don't know what happened Edelman Edelman that title he went down there Gronk went down there and Edelman left to Edelman still here. Oh, yes He's a Jew don't give him an envelope that'll make his head spin

Don't send him a beanie Stuff with $100 bills. That's that's like an old israeli's message Me something that's like when you put the fish in the thing that he sleeps with the fishes That's what craft is gonna get next. Oh, yeah With a hundred dollar bill means give us Edelman. It's so funny. We're talking about going to see no I remember like I said, I was at the Brad Garrett's Club. I had dinner before the thing in it But Brad I told him as I don't I said I saw him open for Sinatra at the fucking sands

Back when I was work with kinesin at the fucking dunes And we had an off night and he goes, hey man, I got some fucking tickets to go see Sinatra You want to go and it's like, you know his girls and the security got one extra and nobody want to go? Yeah I'm fucking see Sinatra. I've got to sit in a fucking booth watch Sinatra do a fucking lie And Brad Garrett fucking open for my go listen. I don't want to date you or me But I said I watched you fucking open for him and like, you know, he goes. Oh, yeah Dude, that's why I love when you do Brad Brad Garrett's club He's got all the history like the his contracts pictures with Sinatra all the stuff

I mean that guy's had an amazing fucking career, but what a what a what a nice guy. What a great great I love doing it. I worked with him on the showtime thing. I spent a couple days of him I didn't know what to expect. I love to get him on the show. He's got a he's a great guy Brad Garrett Oh, yeah, Jimmy two shoes the 15th of May 15th of May. So that's the fucking we're gonna call it the Fucking COVID CD of the month. Hey, man People out of the fucking drop of knowledge baby. They find it you go. Well, there'll be a big announcement Jimmy Schubert calm But it'll be on iTunes. It'll be everywhere. They stream It's called zero tolerance May 15th mark the calendars

It's a solid fucking hour of fucking straight stand up set up punch lines and callbacks. So yeah, check it out And you'll be happy you did brother. I'm happy you came in this Monday morning. Hey, man Thanks for having me Uncle Joey, man. You know, I love you real quick for all you fucking savages We're trying to get healthy here. We're trying to keep all our fucking Spades what do you call them aces aces in our pocket? So do me a favor start today CBD lion calm right now. I've been talking see remember they didn't reach out to me I reached out to them after I tried that product. We're all walking here. In fact, I'm gonna drop off I keep telling lying the lead time. I got a drop off on it protein and some CBD for you to take to

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I did something last week that was very disrespectful on the podcast and I apologize to my professional people But we're gonna make up for it right now I Had a guest on but I it's corona season So I didn't want to insult anybody and rip out a bomb but in honor of me Lee and Jimmy Shubert I'm gonna do a quick Z 100 pack this is 100 milligrams with vitamins in it melatonin to help you take it nice Nap and out of respect and I'll never do it again to you guys. I promise from the bottom of my heart I think we had these on that day didn't we no we didn't do shit. I didn't do an edible all week

I didn't do an edible till last night did one little capsule and I was fine No, we didn't do give it to me then no you didn't have nothing So I didn't want you to think that we're weak. We have no dates. Okay. I have no dates I have June 4 through the 6th and Bray I don't know if it's gonna happen if you want to come you come if you don't want to come Which I don't want you to be scared or be worried, but this all goes to you motherfuckers on the For 420 out of respect to you guys for being the best church family in the world. Salute. Salute fucking

You can't walk on one leg bitches have a great day Thank you very much. Have a great week and we'll be back Wednesday to rock your fucking world Take this motherfucking mule Lee