Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #782 - Joey Diaz on the Crazy Last Month and Plans for the Future

Episode Date: April 29, 2020

Joey Diaz congratulates us for making it through the first two months of quarantine. Joey talks about being accused of something he didn't do, and apologizing for the things that he did. Joey also talks some of his plans for when he can perform again.  This podcast is brought to you by: CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH at checkout for a 10% discount on your first order.  

Greetings from podcastville. It's Wednesday the 29th the fucking April we did it cocksuckers The church what's happening now is brought to you by CBD lion listen when it comes to CBD all tincture gummy bears bad salts I can't keep fucking telling you that number one go to their third book go to their website CBD lion calm take a look at the third party test results This is not yet that fucking shit. You're buying out a gas station. This is CBD lion calm

Pressing church and get 20% off your order the podcast is also brought to you by the old originals On it calm listen when it comes to supplements I'm back on it because and if you could tell you could see the noticeable effect That my mind is going back because I do the alpha brain in cycles I was a little down and little gloomy there for a couple weeks. They sent me that hemp You know what my workouts are a lot better. I feel a lot better last week I did more weight watch and burn points and I've done the whole fucking

The whole quarantine so hats off to honor Listen, whether it's shroom tech shroom tech immune shroom tech sport That's the shit you should be thinking about right now in these days when you're trying to build your immune system because every little bit Helps go to honor calm right now. Press in church get 10% off to live it to your motherfucking crib Kick this motherfucking mule Oh, yeah You motherfucking did it. Congratulations. April 29th 2020 you did it. You just did 45 days out of a 60 day fucking term

Yeah, let's congratulate yourselves. You did something you never thought you'd fucking do You just did 60 days. So next time the judge said 60 days. You're like, well joey. I've been home since march 15th Yeah, 45 days 15 days for good behavior So they give you 45 days little fucking thing you're dealing with you accomplished it You fucking did it six weeks ago. You thought you sat there. What am I gonna do? I'm gonna lose this. I'm gonna lose that look You're still here Don't get me wrong some of us have problems because on the way out of jail they're gonna grab us by the shirt and go You got 15 more days

california for one My new york has extended their fucking thing till june 1st. So You motherfuckers on the way out. They gotta Grab you by the shirt and go. Hey, you fucking bitch lap a woman in 1984 You always 30 days for that get in that fucking hole But for right now you guys you did your 45 days The worst part of this thing is over where you at where you are you in jail? Are you fucking sucking dick for fucking money? Are you jumping up and down? No

You're still the same person you are all that fear that anxiety All the thoughts about money. There's no debt is prison. We did it. We just did a 60-day bit I'll fucking happy in mind. I'm over here smoking a joint like a fucking doctor. You understand me I can't believe I survived. I wouldn't survive in prison You're not out of the weeds yet things go bad after two weeks I got a little old man down the corner need some company. You know what I'm saying? They kicked him out of the nursing home. He's got money. He's covid-free And he's looking to talk to the little boys in the afternoon

I told him I'll drop you off a little hat with a propeller Just sit on this lap and talk about the birds and the bees whatever you want But all jokes aside, look at that. We're here and I know some years got your unemployment check Some years got your stimulus check another year's got dick and you're in a bad position And you know, I fucking sympathize with you. I've been there. I've slept in a fucking rocket ship And this is the exciting part is getting ourselves out of there. You guys know the last couple weeks I've been a little bit under the fucking weather. I got no reason to lie to you. I'm an old fucking man This thing could take over me. I'm an old man. That's a fat fuck. I'm a covid candidate before I went for a walk today

I swear to god mind in my own business I got my part. I'm listening to sound garden super unknown. I got the speakers on. I'm just walking I usually take a walk down to the main street I hook a u-turn then I mix into a park and I walk home just and every day I take a little longer round Every day I take a little bit longer an extra block and that's how you build your endurance You should even know my leg hurts or whatever So I'm listening to the music. I'm getting into fucking spoon man the whole deal I'm coming around a turn and who walks in front of me this chick. That's chubby again

I ain't got none against people. I ain't got none against chubby chicks But you know, you're a covita. You know, I'm showing a future covita. Why are you walking in my path? Now i'm breeding your fat little cells I don't fucking want it because there you know The same thing I don't want you breathing my fat fucking cold feet cells. If I'm walking in front of you stagger Stagger, I see people doing that a lot It's it's it's our natural Instinct there's some of us that are attracted to other people

And there's some of us that naturally we push away we're introverted and we don't want to be close to people by no means I'm one of those people. I live in both areas I live in both areas when I'm having an anxiety or I'm panicking I don't like people close to me. But you know, if I'm having a good time without having a party Yeah, you want people close to you but in these times They're telling you don't even get close Like it's six feet and even then I'm worried Yeah, some people are losing their mind keeping fights online

People take some people taking it seriously and some are like aren't and like they people are causing issues You're taking away people's livelihoods. Yeah, okay I didn't expect this to be good children this grunt. Listen This runs down the line To be in the child My child has our days Me and my wife do everything we can in our power to keep her laughing and giggling smiling You know why I've I've I've I've become a principal of a school

Yeah, I just set up a meeting with her and a little girl from from jersey and they're riding bikes And they're bringing things they could do from far away from each other And the wives are together and they got masks on And they're 10 feet away. My wife just called me before I came here And at least the kid is out and she gets to see other kids Yeah, we're in an article about that today I think was the new york times or something and how like a lot of people are just abandoning school They're just not doing it a lot of kids aren't going in which is a lot of kids. She's in the first grade

That's crazy. My mom. My mom would have made me do it. They would have made you do but maybe your parent. Listen I don't know. I understand. Yeah, the system's doing as adequate We're helping her around it. Yeah, you know, we work with her around the last time I had to read three books So i'm trying my hardest. No, what do you have to do if like you're one of the people who actually has to go to work And then your kids are at home. This is the life that people are experiencing. Yeah right now This is the life that people are experiencing. This is going to change our lives forever But hey, who gives a fuck for right now? We did 60 days in the pen Some of you is a sprung loose, oklahoma, georgia

Go out there cough it up. Have a good fucking time You know fucking take a chance columbus. That's our motto here Go breathe on a hooker. See what they'll see what your odds are But the other you want to take care of yourself. It's hey, everybody has different needs and different situations I'm not the one to tell you what to do or what not to do it if you don't feel you should wear a mask Today we have no guests. It's lee and I we've been around each other for the last seven years and the door is open I'm not wearing a mask. I don't know if you guys know it How hard it is to sit here and do a podcast with a mask on for a fucking hour

You ever suck a fucking death asshole? That's what your mouth tastes like after an hour doing a podcast with a fucking mask on So starting monday. I'm doing a new series. It's still the church But i'm just interviewing my childhood fucking friends. I'm going back An interview in three or four my childhood friends to start this thing over again from a different perspective I can't get guests like this and I mean people contact me to be on their show and I tell them to go fuck themselves How can I call somebody expect them to come down here? With the situation. How bad would you feel if somebody came to your house? And got a little fucking sick. You wouldn't feel too fucking happy. Awesome people. We calling you the covet kid

You know, so there's a guy that had covet. I swear to god Now I know this guy personally from denver. He's a comic great friend of mine. I love him to death He was walking past something. He saw them fucking We're doing testing the lady asked him if he wanted to test this moron walks over Gives him a test. He's healthy as a fucking ox And they tell him he's got covet So he runs home. He's been home for 14 days in the 15 days. He prepares an invite and he puts it on facebook I'm having a party

Free booze free food come on over you should have seen people declining People weren't just born declining people tell them to go fuck himself. He just had covet How can he have a party? You know, I mean, it was it's hysterical what you see You know, I have been trying to stay offline as much as possible I do my morning postings and I get the fuck out of there because Between the tv and the fucking the internet. They're gonna kill you guys Guys, I was feeling a You know, I had the fear thing going on

And then on top of that I had the extra stress And I know for a fact that nothing will kill you like stress Nothing nothing will kill you than staying up at night and worrying that shit will kill you quicker than cancer That should okay that that just weighs down on your heart So once you take that that's why when I wrote the obituary it took everything off It took all the pressure off the worst and that happens to me as I could die, but I'm not dying I'm not going nowhere. I fucking I fucking swam in the Hudson I got my dick sucked by a nasty chick one time with a cold sore

If I was gonna die, I was meant to die 18 years ago I lived through a fucking yeast infection in 1991 through a fungi toenail Lung infections if Keith Richards doing it, I'm doing it. I'm going for it. I don't give a fuck and comedy wise I'm going for it. You know, I was sitting here the other day Beating myself up like you guys do at home, but I fucking yell at you and here I am doing it myself I'm beating myself up like I'm not doing comedy no more. I'm 58. I'm an old man Fuck that thought I'm riding this wind out. In fact, I called my manager agent last night I told him do me a favor book me in the brayer improv as a residence

I'll start on tuesday night 20 hour tickets just to get you motherfuckers out of the house I'm gonna be like a hundred seats tops. They seat 400. How many seats can you put in there? These are gonna be shut down 65 percent. They're gonna lose all their showrooms Between the social spacing which I'm happy about because again, even the comedy clubs got greedy Making you sit there with somebody you don't know I don't ever want to sit at a table with a motherfucker. I don't know and drink drinks. That's never gonna happen I don't care how much I like the girl if the girl wants to blow out this we go to a bar And I gotta sit next to two people on the four tops. I don't know

I'm getting out of here. Yeah, I agree with you. Like I'm getting out of here You know comedy clubs got their wake-up call imagine being a person by themselves like me Everybody got their wake-up call in the words of paul mooney Everybody got their nigga wake-up call rich poor black white spanish This thing fucked everybody's world up. Walt disney the nicks Jet blue everybody got fucked in the ass here. So do not feel bad about your stimulus check or what's going on in your life I'm smoking reefer like a smother fuck. I know you told me yesterday you have a new saying for for the

During the pandemic. What's that for reefer? What's that? It starts earlier now. Oh, yeah, it starts early now It starts at 12. Have you and I by 12 go fuck your mother two o'clock is a thing of the past This is a pandemic. You know I'm saying rules change I think we did like 200 milligrams at like 2 p.m. Yesterday or something. Speaking of which I just fell asleep There you go. Oh, Jesus. I got you a daytime mix today because I didn't want you to get upset now Joey keeps giving me the nighttime mix These quickies will fucking let's let's toast Let's toast to the 45 days

We just I've been I've been in the house. It's march fucking second. I don't know about yukag suckers I went out on march 7th to do a fucking Watch a ufc and I went out another night to do a fucking podcast. I've been in 30 fucking nights. I'm done I'm ready a bus but that doesn't mean I'm gonna go to the park and jump up and down in that covid water That's never gonna fucking happen. That's not gonna happen. So and it's been a hell of a month I know you've had your ups your downs you've had doubts You've had a thousand things go through your mind. I had the month the hell I got accused like 18 things as much. I tell you I got accused of cheating on my wife

No, you did not remember the night that burt burt was doing a video for tom sagura. Okay Okay, and he fucking Says, I don't know what he proposed on twitter. I'm high as fuck My wife goes to bed. I got on twitter about 10 o'clock and burt post i'm looking for any pointo girls To do a video. Yeah, so it just so happens. I follow I follow the fuck I follow holly hot wife. Okay, who's a dirty filthy fucking animal She has videos on them sucking dicks through holes and walls And all this shit every time I open up twitter. It's her fucking four guys a bouncer in texas

She's a fucking savage. She came up to the store about Three months ago And she said hello cake quickly introduced it to me because she came one one of kate's shows in texas Okay, and kate said she was showing the titties at the show and driving people crazy. Damn. She'll just fuck you She makes videos of herself Like they're on twitter. You don't have to go anywhere. They're on twitter The electrician fixing something with her playing with a pussy in the room And the electrician's trying to fix something. He looks over at her and she's playing with a pussy

And the poor guy's like fucking how did I get involved in this? And then she makes some fucking suck a dick. She's she's nuts So berk goes Do you know any porn girls? Like he made a general call and I go, yeah Go with holly hot wife. She's a fucking from she's a georgia peach And she's got the hottest pussy in texas not because I tasted it or not because I knew But because look at it. It's right there in front of you. It's getting fucked right in front of you

Oh my god, I got 20 things. My wife got hit up on facebook. No, yeah So by who by random twitter people. Oh, fuck that That's crazy disrespectful. You've been tweeting porn girls for years because listen, it's like that the chubby girl from boston I like jamie I love jamie. You know why I love jamie. You know why I blew jamie up. I'ma tell you why I blew jamie up because two days I'll bless you There's another one there for you that was empty Thank god, that's pretty good actually

I blew up jamie because there was there was so many girls for a couple days That we're just asking for money right Did you see those the only fans account and stuff not even only fans Oh, they're just asking from oh, yeah vidmo or whatever. Yeah vidmo from my car. I'm the type of dude. I hope anybody But I'm like bill hicks. I want the most from my bum quarter Yeah, get something if there's two bums and I'm gonna get one of them a quarter I want one of them to have a talent dance Jump right here on fire

Who's up? I want the most out of my bum dollar now. Am I looking for a girl to show me her pussy? You know me You want to show me that little bat of life? I'm not gonna look away like uh like uh the lewis ck girls If they look to this dick through their fingers, right, I'm not gonna do that, but I'm gonna look at it, but I'm not gonna You know, look you can see a thousand pussy. I'm not gonna fucking Insight you for that. So here's this girl From like close by that comes to the economy store begging for money She's like a fucking seven. She's cute

And I look at jamie who's got a really pretty face She's just a little bigger than most girls, but she's voluptuous She's got a great ass and she's out there doing videos. She's not showing it. She doesn't stand up 10 minutes topless But she won't show her pussy. She won't show her ass A guy like me respects that Yeah, a guy like me says, you know what? Here's the motherfucker that's hustling. She's not slutting. She's hustling And people who are stupid you don't even want to know how much money she's made Good for her and thank god. God bless her. Yeah, but she's not showing her pussy. She's very decent

She's not showing her pussy. She's showing her titties. You know what titties like me showing me your balls You see you've seen one set you see them all I guess but I think You go deep into that monkey. You show me that little bell That's completely fucking different now. You're a fucking dirty animal. Okay fair enough But and but it wasn't about that. It was just like the fact that you mentioned Holly hot wife and what would have had a what did they say? Oh people like joey. We listen to the podcast We don't know you cheat on your wife. Who said anything about cheating and then I learned a lot about

Broadcast I learned a lot about media I learned a lot about turning people's words around. Yeah recently. I've learned a lot about Just you know, I don't I listen you guys know my My book is an open fucking heart at this point. I don't give a fuck. It's out there The stories are out there if you want to hear them. I like these messages. I get on facebook joey Can you tell me a little bit about yourself going on the podcast? Then they'll call back and go. I just listen to the one with rago when you put the Garbage bricks and the thing. So what do you want to know about my life? That's the type of guy, right? You know

No, it's uh It's a scare. It's scary. That's always that's what I worry about twist the words in today's internet is a nightmare But it's not just the internet. It's Reporters have been doing it for years. They turned the tone of something around I didn't turn it as a tone that I had slept with her at no no I never said that my tone was look at her She's a hot piece ass. You can see her videos on there all the time when I stuck up for jamie I'll call jamie right here in front of you right now and ask her jamie. Have you ever gotten fresh for you?

I don't want to see a pussy. I applaud what she's doing because she's not staying at home waiting for a fucking handout That's never gonna come and I love especially like it would be so out of character for you Not only to just cheat on your wife who you've had on the podcast, but then be to To like put it out there online Like if I had anyone who I like who would be good at keeping a secret I bet I think joe. I think joe would be pretty good. I'm putting his business out there Listen bro. I got 500 stories. I tell

And I got a thousand I can't tell right exactly, you know now that I got this deal with audio boom with the audio book Right. I'm gonna tell those stories Oh, yeah, I'll have to cut them down a little bit. I can't say the names I have no more stories that you could ever and this this situation The last couple of weeks me being quarantined and me going to places in my mind where I haven't been

Trust me guys to get out of this fucking anxiety. I have what I'm doing it the only way to reward myself is to write this down and give it to you in the audio book Because I'm gonna give you real feelings of what I went through at that time Remember, I've been to prison And I'm an only child Quarantine doesn't affect me like it affects other people, right? I could have you know I could have a thing going on in my mind like I've done everything that I

Sat off to do this Break I still haven't cleaned the bookshelf yet But everything else pretty much I wanted cleaned out notebooks rule away notebooks Looked at material got rid of it on the computer. I wasn't creative There was no creativity out of me in March. The creativity didn't start coming out of me till about April 18th That's what I could really feel it. I've fallen a lot better. I went back on the alpha brain

You know, I uh, I hadn't been on alpha brain in like three or four months I went back on the alpha brain and I really started writing And I really started looking at the silver lining And I found it. I found it with the audio boom, you know, I put my summer together. My plan was Right now we're going for the survival today What are we going to do today? Okay, what's going to happen 30 days from now? Mayor Garcetti is going to announce a 15 more day the governor Newsom Is going to announce 15 more days for us and for new york that puts us at june fucking first

Texas is already opening up some comedy clubs may 27 Nashville is not allowing live entertainment. They are open the restaurants are open Interesting right off the bat. So we all have to wait before they make moves and this just has not to do with comedy This applies to you guys. You guys know what i'm talking about That you don't really know what's going to happen. Are you going to go back to your office? Are they going to take half years and put you in the office? Do you see what new office is anybody see 60 minutes and see what the new office is going to look like? How are you going to sit down in an office? You can only walk on one direction

There's going to be arrows on the floor really telling you what direction you're going We all have to be prepared for this Half years. Do you really have to go into work? No, okay Then do everything from home. Oh, we need those files. We'll download them We don't even go to files anymore like whole files. No, yeah So it's all online so All of these things are going to happen. So be prepared for them be talking about, you know, there's people who are at home

struggling working at home Yeah, they've never had somebody Not being over their back It was i'm still not great at it. I'm better than when I started five six years ago But it's it's a definite skill because you go in and you other people you don't want to like be the one guy like looking at your phone So being at home just by yourself was hard. I can't imagine being home with a family Or a roommate. It's uh But in quarantine. Yeah

This has taught me to love my wife again. I thought not that I didn't love her But I fall in love with her when you go through something together With another human being whether you know, let's say two roommates Let's say you were roommates with a person right now that you did not get along with That you were about to evict right Before this pandemic happened And now you have to stay in within two months And now you got to see the different side of him

And he got to see the different side of you and you actually like each other And you had to talk to each other I know for a fact things like that have happened. I know for a fact that some men That's why there's no alcohol in my house Some men and women have a couple beers You know, there's financial stresses And one of them says, you know, lee you shouldn't have quit that job. Oh, no, this is my fault I was supposed to know that fucking

Wuhan was going to release the flu in fucking February, you know So there's animosity right now going to homes in my world. Everything is forgiven During this pandemic everything is fucking forgiven. Let's try to do the best we can I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm a father or husband just like you guys that listen to podcasts Tell me the first two weeks. Look me in the fucking eye And tell me the first two weeks. You didn't think you were gonna stab your wife Remember that second week when you were sitting at home and all of a sudden you wanted to compute and you like domestic violence is up And you're like, man

Man And all of a sudden something happened You started talking to your wife or your girlfriend And you saw that side of her that we took for granted for a long time Because this is what all this is about The things we've taken for granted for the longest time How easy it was for us to order grubhub and you order grubhub a couple times. I've snapped recently. Okay, so, you know This is what i'm saying to people

This is also going to teach you what you can live without yeah This is also going to let you know what you can live without You were paying 215 to go to that club every month Now you're doing the work at home. You're doing it better. You feel better Maybe i'll save the 215 There's nothing better than finding out the things you can live without That's always fantastic finding out what you can live without and all of a sudden you're like, fuck that. I'll never do it again

You know when I didn't do coke for 28 days and all of a sudden one day I said, well I haven't done coke for 28 days. I'm gonna go get some coke. I'm like, really? Do I really want to go get some coke? No, I don't I already got 28 days under my fucking belt Yeah, I mean I I I cooked I think for over a month straight So my my credit card bills were way down You look at other stuff like the stores that are closed like, oh, do we really need that store? Or do I really like don't really need to go to the mall and buy a new dvd this week You know all those palm readers are closed in hollywood. How many people gonna go to a palm reader? Nobody saw this

Who went into a palm read and the guy said listen to in six months? I see a wuhan Whatever come in and fucking destroy america. Nobody called this So all those fucking fortune tellers are out of business burglars are having a hard time burglars are even filing for that's so funny burglars are walking because you know how I know because I walk around now in the daytime And I'm like if I was a burglar looking for a house everybody's home. I'm fucked burglars are filing for unemployment

That's how bad things are and they're allowing them. They'll give it to you. Fuck it as long as you're not robbing houses We'll give you unemployment. Whatever the fuck you want. It's wild burglars are in bad business right now But car breakings are up. Please lock your cars. Don't put change in your car Don't leave a dollar bill in the circle of the car They'll break a window to get a dollar and it's gonna cost you a five on all deductible Don't leave change in your front seat. Don't leave bags in your car. Don't be that fucking stupid They want to break into the car for water. They're gonna get water a child manual and a registration That's it. You break into my car. There's nothing there's batteries for my earplugs

For my hearing aids, right and there's a lighter in there in case I need to smoke a joint on the road You're not gonna get nothing. Yeah, there's no what things in my car pound the weed hidden. I got nothing there I don't know. No, I got nothing in there. Now. This has been a very Very interesting month, and I'm happy you guys made it true. That's it. Do you think they have like telephones for the for the Criminals are they help each other out? Leave me alone, please. Okay. Nobody helps each other out Look at these comedians. Two telethons. They're still waiting to pay the fucking rent That's true. You know what I'm saying? They're still paying the fucking they're waiting to pay their rent So nobody knows when the money's coming. That's why I advised everybody to take your tickets back

Cancel the fucking money Now you can't get your ticket back for no concerts. Can you? Right now they're saying well, they haven't canceled yet. Well 18 people walking around here with fucking Mask around they can't breathe. What do you think? People gonna fly down the floor to go see you on June 18. So now you don't have no money. I told you eight weeks ago Get your money back from any show you can you don't give a fuck When they come around again, you go see him because now they're gonna hold up the money to

To make as much interest in that as they can on your fucking money. How stupid can you be? Here's to you. Lisa. Yeah, Lisa. Yeah made a serious commitment with Steve Simone. They've been walking Yeah, doing kettle bells Next time you see Lee, he'll look like a fucking x-ray. You understand me I'll be nice. You know, it's been tough, but it's been good. It's uh At least try to make something positive come out of this Fruity patootie. No, it's nice. It's a grapefruit. I like that one. I've been telling you everybody this That there is a silver lining to this

You know what man? Guess what else could happen? Guess what else could happen? You're gonna realize that that woman you've been married to for 10 years or that guy you've been gay with for eight years That his behavior during all this is unacceptable when you're gonna divorce him This is gonna open up doors for people that have fucking been closed for years Because this has been the first time you ever had To think I felt really I don't I'm not happy anyone's getting divorced But they were they were joking online yesterday because jake cutler the old chicago bearish quarterback

Just retired two years ago and then got stuck with his wife for three weeks in Bermuda on quarantine and they just did not they just like literally just fall for divorce. Yeah, because you get to see That person's colors. This opens up your eyes. This gives you focus This lets you notice the people around you. We thought we're your friends You're gonna find out who your friends are. You're gonna find out who your friends aren't are You're gonna find out a lot of things that were scary. This is and what do I tell people especially men The number one thing that destroys men Thinking when you overthink something. There ain't nothing to think about action is the movement

you know I had a a weird month also because I had other shit going on under the background Besides the accusations of doing everything else A situation happened to me years ago I don't know if we talked about on the podcast, but I really wanted to give it light About the girl who checked me At my show in new york that I talked about on the podcast briefly. Yeah, you said that you mentioned someone that maybe you shouldn't have mentioned Yeah, and then that she passed away. Mm-hmm, you know and

It was weird because I told you guys so the girl came to my show and and then after the show She took my number randomly And she says I'll be in touch with you when I come to california and It's just this is gonna be weird She called me and said that You know who the fuck was I the parade into new york and new jersey to do comedy with at least coming into

An Apologizing to some of the people I needed to apologize to she goes you don't need to apologize to everybody Some of them were scumbags on their own But you do need to apologize to these couple people when it was like six people And I fucking apologized to three of them like a man I contacted them and I felt that the other three people It's like when you go to AA. I think one of the steps is I think step number four is

Making amends to everybody that you've hurt, you know, and I'll tell you anybody I talked to from that program. I always ask them Did you make amends on everybody and they'll go close to everybody? You know why? Because there's some people that will never get it. There's some people that you went I have an aunt in miami Uh Years ago I went and went down there to pick up some stuff I think in 2014

And I thought about visiting that aunt. She's in an old lady's home And I made a few calls And when I called the son To see where she was at he goes. Why are you thinking of going over there? And I was like, I don't know. Maybe I'll send some plowers or something. He goes I don't know how that's gonna work out And even though I was gonna go over there Sometimes guys

You got to let dead dogs lie Because there's some people that you're going to go and apologize to And it's just a reason for them to go on into a different world with you The three people that didn't accept my apology accepted just how I thought they were And since I told you the story One of them has reached out to me during this whole thing and we've spoken about three times And nothing has come up He was happy that was back in his life

So You know, sometimes you don't have to apologize to everybody I don't ever want you to think that because these three people that She expected me to apologize to I really want to apologize to them, but there was so much history in the air That we're gonna have to address one of those things And that's where this thing is gonna go sow

You can't make every situation golden, you know, you just can't do it Even this situation like I told you this this quarantine. What's going on? The last fucking six weeks, you know Some people have gotten good things out of this the underlying stuff, you know I got to spend time with my family. I got to see mercy's weaknesses You know me and my wife working out perfectly where I go in she goes out she goes in I go out we're never really

That much together so we don't get sick of each other, but all in all I love my wife and all but that's not the point The point is I just didn't feel I should apologize and one of the guys I made Apologies to that he deserved my apology, you know He called back He never called me back after I apologized to him But then he called me back one day To apologize to me

And he said, you know, I After you apologized to me I was still mad at you But it took my father dying And for me to experience the pain To understand what you were going through and why you did that to me at that age We're good He goes now I understood where your motivation came from

You had luck just lost your mother and you couldn't focus So that's even happened So he lives in Sarasota, Florida and him and I are tight now like we talk Every two or three fucking days Do you think there's not like a possibility like one of those people who you don't think you should apologize to something could happen and if in The upcoming years and maybe you guys will talk like it's not it's not set in stone But one of the people that I was supposed to apologize past

Okay, and the time they were a little older and I sent flowers And on the card I put, you know, I always love you And their grandmother came up and their granddaughter She reached out and thanked me for the kind flowers and the note blah blah blah blah blah, you know but I mean there was still two people on that list that They and you know what I see them on facebook all the time and they see me on facebook And they don't say much

And I don't say much the guy has made one remark in the last 10 years Wow You guys take stuff seriously northburn like a sarcastic remark. Oh, okay 10 years He made a sarcastic remark and I could unload it on them, but I'm older now and I said, what's the what's the use? He's always going to be the same person. That's why I don't want to apologize to him Right because he has 19 different beefs at me The beef I thought he had with me when I did talk to him one time

There was a complete different beef He was mad because he said when I did interviews I never mentioned his name. I mentioned his brother's name So did you understand what I'm trying to say to you like when I did interviews for the local papers, right? He got mad at me because I didn't mention his name. I mentioned his brother's name Because I always know I always know I was at war with him You know really and not really when I say war. I mean, there's no war We haven't spoken in 30 years

Right, but even if you have How many people are you supposed to mention that's kind of crazy? It's it doesn't matter. I mean people are gonna be people I'm just talking about when they come to apologies how they work out now. They pan themselves out and you know what You you fuck with some people and some people Don't want an apology like they're like listen. I'm moving on, you know I have a couple friends that have moved on from me. Am I ashamed to say that? No, not at all One day they look at they took a look at the whole picture

And I in fact there's one guy that told me to my fucking face when I called them and guess what that call also was about 17 years ago His brother called me about a month ago. Me and his brother have always been great friends. We're friends since we were kids my friend just went into a tailspin and He thought I was responsible for one of the problems he had growing up. Well, you're allowed to do that though

You're allowed to listen. I don't want you my like that's a reasonable thing. You can say this When he told me I was not mad I was not angry and I understood I did not tell him to go fuck himself He wished me good luck. I wished him good luck and I got it. Yeah, so I got it It was too much. It was too much that the The years of our friendship were just too much. It was it was it was a it was it was a five-year run That it was everything every element it had it was like what's that move with Adam Sandler What's one when he gets shot in the fucking head uncut gems, right? That's what it was

Me and him were uncut gem types of guy So every day I still remember driving with him once a week to a doctor to get fake fake muscle relaxers for his fake back injury When we were in kids You actually had to go to the doctor to get fake pills. They would give him muscle relax Okay, he would go to the doctor the doctor touches back and he go doc It feels like eight more weeks. So he got a job at a big fucking plant when he was a kid, right? And every summer he would hurt himself to have the summer off and he would be paid

So he's he would get 1800 a month from unemployment Or disability whatever and he would live his life like a doctor and then like october football season His back would be back to normal. He did this every year for years I love it for years. He had a bad back So the one year I hung out with him when he really ran the scam the one summer We went out to get pills once a week. We used to go to I forget the name of the town. It's next to carney new jersey They had a great chinese restaurant there with an all you could eat monday nights And they serve shrimp and lobster sauce

We used to go in and take all the shrimp out of lobster sauce chinese guy would lose his fucking mind We would take all the fucking shrimp but it was like not leonia It was a different town if I asked timmy hollow way he remembered because he's the one that gave me the restaurant But yeah, listen man people change for different. I have two dear friends That will not talk to me I have one guy that me and him say something to ourselves on facebook. He's not I apologized to him years ago I apologized to him years ago. He's just still kept me at arms distance

Because of his own self insecurities. He's got problems and he don't want me to know about him So how do you And I guess it's different for every person obviously But you're talking about making the decision to apologize to some people and not to others Well, how do you make that decision? Like what do you want? What makes you choose a person to apologize to? I had to think about what happened and I got to tell you something during the fucking quarantine I thought about a couple things a couple nights And I'm surprised a lot more people still talk to me

Like do you know what I am like? Couple nights I beat myself up every duty during this quarantine Just because I thought of things late night that I had forgotten about you know, I always say that You got to check on your skeletons in the closet from time to time. If not, they're gonna check on you I guess so jesus so I had a fucking you know, I had a little nervous break and guys when I tell you that I did things You know when I was

12 I dated a girl We broke up and one day she fell off a bike. She fell off my bike. I've told this story I started feeling guilt about that because in her mind today. She thinks I did it on purpose If you know anything about me, I would never do anything like that. That's not my That's not my guilt. I don't if I want to do something I'll do it to your face, you know, right? There were little things at night that I just tripped on, you know when I was 18 I had a kid in the head with a Heineken bottle He was a lot older than I was

And he had an ax hand while he was gonna hit a friend of mine. What did you want me to do? But I felt bad how the whole thing went down. That's why I'm really hoping That out of my friends that called Louis Castellino calls because his mother was the court clerk When that went down So I hit him in the head on a sunday night And I we ran away. There was two guys in the car and we ran away But I guess the pizza guy's out Must I deed us

And they came the next day and didn't arrest me. They gave me a summons nice To go to court for a salt It's free for smoking days cocksuckets Wednesdays spark them if you got them, you know what I'm saying? Like the motto says if you ain't high by lunchtime go stab your mother in the neck and pull out the andromeda tubes I don't even know what andromeda is. I'm just dropping words. See how to respect. Anyway, what we talking about about, um I mean apologies or stuff you did

uh Like it wasn't yeah What's people who don't like you like that you feeling bad about stuff? I was feeling bad about that story. I felt bad about Fucking having a roommate one time When I left to colorado, I just left him a note and some cash I didn't have the heart to tell him to his face that I was going to colorado. That's the guy that won't talk, you know He really got hurt by that. We were we were way better friends For me to do that. I was just so scared of telling him

I knew he would be mad at me and that's in the long run. He was going to be mad at me no matter what These are the things you learn from your youth, you know, right? So Now listen everybody knows my situation. I'm married. I got a kid. I don't fit in windows no more I don't burg I haven't burglarized in 20 fucking years From time to time. I'll shoplift the light up. I'm mistake. Thank god you got out of it Thank god I got out of what It wasn't I didn't get out of anything comedy took over comedy saved my life The more more effort I put into the comedy

The more my life got fucking saved, you know So this was a great combination. I'm very fortunate to be here But but you motherfucker's Just remember some of you states I got another 30 days tacked on and listen. We already did 45. What's another 30? You know what I'm saying? As long as you're getting your benefits as long as unemployment list. I'm hearing pro and con Whatever I'm hearing pro and con But you know what you're gonna make it you already made it 45 days the worst of the fucking thing is over with

We did it. We did it fucking together I did the podcast with the fucking mask on hey They weren't the podcast the best podcast and they weren't the people you wanted to see But I took your mind off the fucking coronavirus for a fucking hour Just by sitting here talking shit even if we talked about the fucking coronavirus And when I showed you my nutsack last week on america, everybody forgot about the coronavirus fucking an hour that night So please my goal since day one has been to lessen this fucking pain Whether through laughter or through fucking just educating ourselves about anxiety fear

What's really going on, you know, I've gotten I got emails from people from all over And people tell me what's going on in their community that they only have three cases, you know Shit like this. This is all part of it. Yeah, sometimes it's just good to hear other people talk about stuff you're going through Well, this is all I tried to do here from day one was just to keep it together I remember telling lee we're gonna keep doing the pockets. He's like really? I'm like, yeah, we're not stopping This is people gonna need this more than fucking ever just an hour to take their fucking mind away, you know But the person I talked about on joe's podcast that got mad at me Was that girl that used to sit on budweiser bottles in high school?

And she passed away last week From the covet. I know She was about 61 and one night I was on rogan And I told the story a couple times about this bar. We went through his kids and fucking She sat on the galliato bottle and all this shit and fucking The girl who called me out said that she also had an apology coming from me and I looked her brother up on facebook. I couldn't find him. I couldn't find anybody None of the I

I think I was spelling the last name wrong or something And then last sunday found out that that girl died Without me apologizing. So I was two people who I really wanted to apologize to That passed both of them one of them. I had access to I was just waiting to go home To go down to downtown north bergen and knock on the door like a man. I wasn't gonna do it on the phone I had a knock on that door. Everybody I apologized to I knocked on that door Well, yeah, I knock on your door

Why fucking call that's pussy shit, you know, you just knock out of the blue on that door. Yeah Holy, what does that feel like? Two of the people I hadn't talked to in my 20 years over 20 years There's still one more person that I have to knock on their door And it's been since 1994. We haven't spoke over an argument What okay, what's the one I'm gonna tell you what the argument was over 200 fucking dollars Really a hundred dollars And I thought about that during the the that we were together

For five years. I was together with this couple Every wednesday night. They were my savior. They bought me dinner on wednesday nights And I mean we were tight friends when she could before before she got uh pregnant the first time She was upset because I had already gotten married and had a child in colorado And she told me how come I can't have a kid

And we were talking on the phone. I go stop smoking cigarettes And she stopped smoking cigarettes and she got knocked up within a month Oh, really? That's crazy. It was crazy. So we were always tight friends And then one day it was just a bad communication about money, you know, she was there when I robbed the jewelry store I sold her some of the change from the jewelry store. We were always friends. There was never a problem with us One fucking day I was doing something and she offered money and I said absolutely And then six months later she called back for it and I was blown away. I was like

Who does that? But I didn't raise my hand They came to me at a spot when I needed it and they sent me the money But when she asked me for the 200 back It rattled my cage a little bit So I hung out with her and a boyfriend at the time husband So what I did was every time I saw the boyfriend I'd give him a $20 bag of weed and say take it off the bill

And after about Six or seven times I came back to colorado And I didn't you know, I didn't know when I was leaving New Jersey So like I used to see him on the weekends only because everybody had a job in 93 Right, I was doing comedy during the weekend on the weekends. I would see him because I wasn't a headliner so one day I'm in colorado and

my fucking ex-wife calls me And she's a guy just got a call from such and such She says you owe her a hundred dollars still from whatever. You know embarrassed and that is to me For somebody to say I owe them money Like I fucking hate that shit. Yeah, that was about it. Especially calling her ex-wife. It drives me crazy So me thinking that I know this person since we were kids for them to call my ex-wife And throw and put me in a situation them knowing

What I'm going through with my ex-wife and now you're gonna throw me under the bus to my ex-wife I figured now I can't talk to you anymore So I went I put together took me two or three days. I put together a money order I didn't even put a letter in there I just put a money order for a hundred bucks Mailed it to them never spoke to them again And about eight years ago the girl reached out on facebook And I thought and I didn't even think right

I just erased a friend request or whatever the fuck it was And I wasn't that's how mad I get yeah, I wasn't even thinking about it and Guess what now? I want to apologize to them and she's all facebook Because she's got like six kids. She ended up having like six fucking kids That's crazy I mean it happens everybody like people who drift apart but To have a fight going on must not feel this is why this is what this time period lets you do And let's just think about the stupid shit you did

Maybe call a friend or two. I've called a lot of people over this quarantine People that haven't talked to in years just to check in catch up with them You got nothing but time you got no place to be Your minds will open up to a relationship with them and see what's going on with them I mean I've been calling my parents more often To check in but we can come around stuff to say Well, it's kind of funny now like Before they keep me on for like hours and now they're both like yeah, we've pretty much covered it

Now well, you know when you call somebody today If you call anybody today and check in with them the first 16 seconds 16 minutes of the conversation Obviously it's gonna be about the coronavirus because that's what's in front of you right now But after you settle down and you start talking like me and my friends talk all the fucking time What's gotten me out of this bind was that I've spoken to More my friends from jersey now that I do on the usual And now we've opened up that relationship again

That is why I figured it's time To bring my friends into the podcast loop It's been too long You know And I'm not talking about like Danny B or whatever. I'm bringing a spectrum Into you guys. I'm I'm bringing in a guy that's a musician That him and I grew up with we went to see Pink Floyd together We're going to tell you stories about getting together at night and

buying $20 worth of weed and getting 27 joints and Smoking them all but just you know and then each going home with one joint So that means we smoked 22 joints between five of us. I mean we were kids together I got another guy. I'm on a call. That was another very special friend of mine He was a little older, but he was in my sophomore Homeroom and he was just a blast. I saw him told teachers to go fuck themselves I seen him do some crazy stuff. I'm sure we'll cover it And we're gonna have my brother on my brother's gonna talk to you guys about when I used to

Make Rob gas stations and make him pick me up and he wouldn't even know he was picking me up Because I was robbing the gas. How would you feel Lee if I just said pick me up In front of the fucking the Cuban joint and Burbank at 430 And you're like, where's the sandwiches? Just step on the car go Why we why why what's going on? I just robbed them Why did you rob and get in my car because if I would have told you I was gonna rob him you wouldn't show up So I had a trick everybody. So he's the guy I had a trick and I'm trying to get Louis Castellino in who's gonna be interesting because

His brother his uncle was the guy that they hung and the guy that they choked and fucking uh That movie on HBO with everybody with all the mobsters. I don't know. Oh Yeah, what's his name on HBO or Netflix? Netflix About the fucking What the fuck the Irishman the Irishman he's his uncle Was the guy who Tony bow choked In the car. I mean the guy that killed and then there that's who his uncle is but Louis Castellino Has got stories of us going to see acdc on acid

Going to the movie theaters on acid and he's buck wild, but I know he works nights So I got to catch him in between sleeping Snort and getting his dick sucked and going to his warehouse. It's kind of fucking tough So it's going to be tough, but we're going to try these things Because uh, yeah, this this quarantine we had some fucking tremendous guests set up Had David provile coming in from mean streets and sopranos I had the fucking guy who who was going to play uh, who played Uh

Connie's wife and the husband and the godfather who suddenly beat him up He was coming out because he was doing a project with victim nick about the longest I had a tremendous musician who now I I don't know if I could reschedule him Because he's back in fucking Chicago. I had him coming on But this coronavirus ruined a lot of things with a lot of people I'm just fortunate that I could still get through to you guys as you could tell I'm not selling comedy dates. I'm not doing nothing I just want you guys to know that you have a voice that you have somewhere to fucking go to

People are going through the same fucking thing as you are We're not no better. We all put our pants on one leg at a fucking time You know what there's parts of the day I feel like fucking driving the car off a cliff But I close my eyes and I think about prison And I think about confinement and I think about what I could do with my day To break up the fucking day Okay, today's tuesday. I'm definitely jerking off eight times

I just got to pick what time and put it on the schedule. So I know what I'm living for Oh, should I have this steak? No, I got a jerk off in 10 minutes I don't want to jerk off for the steak in my stomach because I might have a fucking heart attack So these are all the things that happened during a quarantine You know, I hope when I really are quarantined when you're in fucking prison. This is what happened You gotta you revolve your day around masturbation. You scheduled it. Yeah, you got a schedule Like I'll bang one out of eight in the shower. I'll bang another one out 11 30 take a nap I'll eat something bang another one out

Go to the kitchen eat something bang another one out and then you know, you got to bang two of them up before you go to bed Nothing comes out of your nut sack. It's just pure fucking air by that point You're just jiggling around like a retard And you fucking pass out. But my point is This has been completely different. You got notebooks. You have computers You have a room you could do jumping jacks and sit-ups on if you haven't taken care of what the fuck you have to take care of This is on you, bitch. You've had six weeks now For whoever you motherfuckers you got two weeks left

Whatever you plan on doing do it, please just do it. Just fucking do it. What's the big fucking deal? All right, get it over with so you can move on Back to work and no fucking Skeletons in your closet. So you motherfuckers. I got another 30 days in seclusion Like uncle joey and you know who you are jersey. You're not going nowhere You motherfuckers are contaminated to the end of time New york city, you're dead. If you live in new york right now Just take a look at that wall and go jesus christ

I'm gonna have to paint that fucking thing because that's not going nowhere You know, I mean, there's just parts of the country that you got to accept it Nobody died in louisiana the other day That was the first day that nobody punched the ticket Thank god You know, I don't know what's going on anywhere. I just know that here. I'm social distancing I'm washing my hands more than a fucking, you know, the chick that gives hand jobs for a living I hope they wash their hands

Because some of those chicks go from hand job to hand job You might as well go rub dicks in the cubscouts. It's like being the cubscouts You rub your dick with the other cubscouts, isn't it? Then they play pick a boo the fucking leaders sucks whoever has the warmest dick. I don't know I got thrown out of the cubscouts. I didn't want to be there. Anyway, with those fucking nerd fucking communists I lasted like three meetings with those fucking homos And I said I gotta get the fuck out of here. So anyway, my point is Whatever you got left to do do it. You got two weeks

Me I got a month. I got a month to prepare my book I can't wait to fucking lay it down Now it's a new perspective and I knew this. It's like the reason why we didn't write fucking comedy. I didn't have no perspective The only perspective I had that was stuck in the house And I had done all these bad things all my life. Sure. I was fucking down on myself After I heard the nervous breakdown now I'm back bitches. I know a lot of you guys whatever. Hey, we kept showing up What what would I tell you with the church? We keep showing up. They're not going to be the best podcast

They're not going to be the guest you wanted to fucking see But guess what I stuck to my word. I kept showing up That's it. You did your fucking 45 days Now you got another 15 for good time Or you're off whatever you decide on Tell people to stay the fuck away from you because you don't really know what this really it really is Remember one thing like I've been telling you every fucking podcast Disney is not opening back up

So before you go plan that trip With six people with six midgets and a bus That you were planning to see oh, we're gonna go to lake abyssal Before you plan all that shit think about disney Not opening up. I'm thinking about your safety I'm thinking about your help. I'm thinking about my help. Like I said, I'm trying to get this uh This uh Little thing going on at brayer. I'm gonna keep my ticket prices low so you guys could come out

I'll be there every other tuesday You know, I'm not flying nowhere and if you love me if you're my fucking nephew You don't want me fine. Look at me And I'm trying to lose weight. I'm trying to drink. Well, I do everything. I do everything I'm supposed to do I'm fucking sleeping, you know I smoke today for the first time because I'm I'm out of jail. I haven't seen you smoke a joint Yeah, I had to smoke with you guys. I'm sorry that I've been a little weak in that department lately Look at that. The fucking thing was still smoking. This is what I'm talking about

We don't stop here. We go 7 24 motherfuckers if you're doing it. I'm doing I don't give a fuck And that's it. I hope you made it through this quarantine so far you did your 60 days So if you're gonna do you why not not not you feel So now you're sitting there going man, I didn't want to go to jail for DUI. But fuck it I could do this standing on my head like that black before joke Just think about it 60 days. That's it. You did 45 days You didn't think you were gonna come out of this. You thought you were gonna die. Look here here From now on do me a favor wake up look up and say god thank you for giving me another day

At least I got the opportunity to fuck somebody in the ass whether I do Or whether somebody comes out of a bush and sucks my dick I don't know But at least I'm awake stop fucking feeling bad for yourself And stop it. You're not in the hospital. What do you think this COVID motherfuckers? You ever see when these COVID motherfuckers get rolled out of the hospital and there's a black guy with a trumpet like, you know Celebrating that guy. I don't know. He hasn't been to hell yet. Wait till he gets the hospital bill Wait till the bills start popping out. Wait till you see those. Yeah who adds

With people going what am I gonna do with my COVID bills an 18 day stay 22 million fucking dollars. So get ready for all that. This is gonna come in levels Just worry about your health your mental being Pay what you can tell the landlord to suck your dick. Listen Listen I'm eating cheeseburgers from five guys You and that ugly Jew brother yours both these could go fuck yourselves. I'm not paying rent You want to evict me give it a holler go ahead

Go ahead. I'll burn the fucking building down and the sheriff's aren't gonna come with that light Will you bring the building down if you if you fucking push my buttons? I'll fucking light this thing up on fire like Like fucking, you know me. I don't give a fuck. Is that your go-to go-to? What's that? Let anything is on fire. That's always your go-to what in doubt light it on fire. Nobody knows nothing Fucking put some bleach in there kill the DNA. What are you retarded? I've been lighting things on fire for years Oh, you don't want to find the condom light it on fire That's it. What happens you would let your condoms on fire if you're gonna do something bad

I'm not saying I did something bad, but I had a friend of mine told me he cheated me I go what do you do with the condoms? He goes, I throw them in the toilet. She throws them away I go, don't you ever let it throw it away That chick will fucking save that condom Spray that juice in the pussy and the next thing you know, you're fucking out 22 000 a month Yeah, that dirty motherfuckers out there. You throw your own condom away. You don't even throw it away You take it out to go They don't even know it's in your little side pocket

And then when you get out you squirt into the fucking sewer You give some rats some of your cum And you like that condom on fire That's what I would do if I was to do something evil, but I don't do nothing evil. I stay home every fucking night Just like oj when he killed his wife if I did it If I was gonna do it you take those condoms home with you you light them on fire nobody's gonna find those things There's no DNA anywhere You can't give them a stab in the hotel

You got to give them a standing outside in the park or something So the dna falls on the grass And then punch her in the back so it comes out of a fucking monkey So there's no leftovers in her underwear. That's how they get you you know what I'm saying I don't I don't fucking know listen It's the church what's happened now. We're just fucking around here What i'm trying to say to you is

We did it congratulations We'll see you motherfuckers monday morning. All right, you did it. You went through the toughest part of this whole fucking thing It's over 45 fucking days You've been in the house if you've been in the house since march 14 think you've been in the house since march 13th Think about it. What what what else do I want from you? I just wanted you to stay healthy And the fucking that that's it. So now you did 60 days now, you know how it feels When you do 60 fucking days in jail So long it makes you think about like 10 year sentences and 15 days of good time. You watched all your dishes

You didn't get caught sucking no in mix dick. Oh nobody's gonna write your love letters from the county jail And that's it. You just did 60 days Congratulate yourself. You made it to my ookey spookies To my lalinguses to my jay bichettis To fucking and debba hubster if she don't have cove it nobody's got it. All right If debba hubster don't got cove it She's a male lady She fucking nice the dogs up in boston even the dogs got fucking wooster

Wooster dogs. They got fucking uh cove it boston's bad, so I'm i'm happy to see all you guys scott cunningham I'm happy to see the whole church family joey marisha alvarado My boy up in ottawa fucking The little kid everybody's alive We made it through and we're gonna keep punching

monday More than six a.m. We love you motherfucking stay black Before we get out of here real quick CBD lion calm It's my go-to cbd if you're buying cbd at one of those places that has an arrow in front of it Trying to trick you to go in there. They're fucking evil. They're cutting it cbd lion Go to cbd lion calm and take a look at their website All right, first of all

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ch-u-r-c-h and check out and get 10% off Delivered to your house again. I'm very sorry about this morning's podcast They've been a little scattered and whatnot. You know me. I'm best when I'm jesus coming back from the grave That's when I do my best work. I'll see you motherfuckers Monday morning Tip top magoo ready to go. Have a great weekend. Lee kick this motherfucking meal So