Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #792 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: June 3, 2020

Ari Shaffir, comedian and host of the, "Skeptic Tank" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE via Zoom. Check out Ari's new youtube channel SkepticTankPod. This podcast is brought to you by:    Blue Chew - Go to BlueChew.com/church and get your first shipment for FREE! Pay only $5 for shipping. CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   

the protesters are down the corner as we motherfucking speak it's wednesday the third of june get your shit together the church what's happening now is brought to you by blue chew listen guys remember when you fucking woke up with a dick that could fucking you could hit somebody in the head with these fucking cops you see these cops the batons you remember when your dick was a fucking baton the good old days when you could fucking wake up with dick and you had like 10 fucking hard-ons a day but as you get older you would start to get a little weak okay

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to y'all's all right who's better than you kick this motherfucker muley oh oh shit it's the looters edition what's going on you bad motherfucker there's a lot that's going on in the country but this is an hour for you to relax sit back scratch your nuts smoke a joint with uncle joey and that's it and that's that why the anxiety why the fucking you know turn that fucking tv off there's nothing but fucking bullshit on that fucking tv number one i want to thank somebody that hooked us up last week fucking big time and i keep forgetting because i'm a fucking sack of shit my main man over there fucking uh the sandwiches the sandwiches yeah uncle paulie uncle fucking paulies and bevelly hills and downtown i checked in with him yesterday

to see if anything had happened to a storm bevelly hills he said he would get back to me he fucking hooked us up that's my favorite fucking deli in this area the spicy italian is tremendous he brought steve samones uh uh broccolini with fucking eggplant i mean i don't like eggplant but it look fucking tremendous lee had chicken parm listen guys if you're looking for a deli in bevelly hills go see my man out of respect he's been feeding people throughout this whole fucking calamity feeding people making fucking sandwiches all right so listen i give respect to who fucking deserves respect what's the name of the deli give him it again uncle paulies uncle fucking paulies that's it and that's that so anyway let me let me talk there's a lot going on

and everybody's got that take on what the fuck they got to say and i got one thing to tell you okay there's people who are doing safe protesting i'm not against protesting it's your first amendment go with it if you're happy but then there's people out there just doing plain crime those people that are doing plain crime if you're looking at what they're doing is they have fucked up hearts you know i know because i was there they're confused they're young you know i i submitted an audio story last week the audio boom the day the night my heart went sour it was like december 29th of 1979 like a month and a half after my mom died it hit me and i went up against the world what does that mean that i stepped on a b i stepped if i saw a car a cat on the street

i would run an over not that i ran over a cat but i had that anger inside my soul and that anger is the same anger those protesters have the breaking shit and defense shit that's not making a difference but that's not what we're here to talk about today i just want you to understand that you know listen there's good and bad and this was happening as a bad situation the only people who could bring good to us is us you know by doing the right thing by being courteous by being nice to other people shit like that this is gotta end you know uh you can't write this fucking script it's uh it's very scary but you can't write this fucking script all you white people one of the apocalypse all you white people want to be zombies get ready it looks like

fucking zombie villa at night i mean they destroyed fifth avenue they destroyed soul destroyed Beverly Hills but listen this gives everybody a chance to rebuild i told you this was gonna be a weird time in our lives because it's gonna make us realize what's important and what's not important this is we've been this is a catastrophe but at the same time it's a blessing it shows you what you got to deal with what the fuck are you really made of this is what this shows and listen you're talking to a guy for the first three weeks of this thing was crushed i was falling apart at the seams i was just holding myself up to get i made a decision that as the man of the house i had to keep like a fucking nice face on to not worry everybody

because that's what the man of the house does it that's that's what a man does you know those protesters you see the ones that are going down there and then being whatever they're men they're men some you know the cop that got on his knee they're all men that's what men fucking do the other thing they're just children when i was being a thief and looting i never looted that right let's get something clear but i looted in life it's the same fucking difference and i i was lashing out because somebody had wronged me somebody had wronged me life had wronged me so now i had a wrong everybody else that's the game plan you know man it lasted in my heart from 1980 to 1991 when i got into comedy in 92 because to has to spread comedy and laughter you can't have that anger in your

fucking heart so and i could sit here and tell you that i went to a psychiatrist and tell you that they put me on soul off and tell that man like we all know what the answer is okay i'm a catholic i'm a santeria guy and i respect buddhism and karma and i believe in all those things and i'll tell you you know i meditate you guys look at me with my little red helmet on my faggy helmet at the end all my little workouts when i'm stretching out the last thing i do is i do the whole thing i take my shoes off you know i my posture i breathe through my nose and i focus on my third eye and i listen for birds chirping i listen for the birds that's what i focus on my breathing and the birds chirping and that's what's kept me together it's about this whole

fucking thing lee having contact with steve samon and dean del ring and red band you know it's kept me together but anger in your heart is just something that you have to figure out and that's what these protesters have to figure out and and listen i'm angry too about what happened i don't know what they're waiting on the rest of three fucking guys but you know you they're accessory to families let's arrest these three guys let's show them all what orange suits on and let's all fucking calm the fuck down and that's all we could do let's have a good fucking time you know i'm saying take that fucking number out it's wednesday morning it's a third you don't have the rent big deal here there's anybody else you know i'm saying there's no deadest

prison i dare them to come to try to throw you out especially now they ain't got time to evict you so tell your landlord to suck your dick you'll be out next month i mean how and you said it took time and all that but i was rotten i was rotten when you hear these fucking stories of me saying these stories we laugh at it now but i was a rotten fucking person for a while and it wasn't me it wasn't why it really was guys it really wasn't all those stories i tell you i did them i caught to them but looking back now it's a 57 year old man it wasn't me it was a state of my heart i had anger i had anguish you know society took my mother she didn't leave a will no such security so i wanted a little i wanted a lash back at society with everything i had and you know what

looking at it now wasn't the answer ruined my life for years the addiction fucked me up for 27 years and for 10 years i walked around with that anger in my fucking heart but you know if i could kick a dog shit like that like i was just an angry fucking person and once that left my heart you know yesterday was june uh monday was june 1st i'm a month away from my 20 year anniversary of my wife i met her july 1st of the year 2000 and when that came to my mind yesterday i went somewhere out for like 20 minutes because i was like what the fuck has gone on that the last 20 years and she was one of the people who helped get the anger out of my heart by just being her you know by just being her so when you watch those images uh just think about it that way you know pray for

them pray that their hearts turn like mine didn't you know and uh if if my heart could turn with the anger i had their hearts could turn all right so give everybody a break we're going through tough times like i said you don't have to rent here there's anybody else don't worry about it fuck it that doesn't make you any less of anything of anything we're all in bad position to you and we all have to adjust it speaking of which you know what that's why the best time to have friends is now limit your circle of friends you you found out it was your friend the last fucking two months you found out go to them they're your new therapist that's what i use my friends for today on the podcast i interviewed ari shafia let me tell you how much i thank this man every day

when i mentioned him you guys will think he did this he said this he said bro his actions have always spoken louder than words were family i could look at ari shafia and tell you he is my brother and if if something happened to ari i gotta stand next to him and protect them you know when ari had that listen all those specials i did and whatever they sucked as but i'll tell you what and i'll tell you you guys know i tell you the truth i bomb i suck dick when i watch myself on those ari story tellers that's who made me who i am today that's what i am when i go back to comedy i'm going back to that style of comedy to finish my career because that's who i really am those stories were all great they were all great i watched one the two black dudes watched one i told my mother and i was fucking

like it showed me that somebody else understood that is as dark as lee told me that for a couple weeks i had dark humor i got because of where i was 20 years ago a couple weeks ago i posted a video of a black dude putting a firecracker in his eye listen to me 30 years ago i would have tortured that guy for a month to put that firecracker in his eye i would have told i would have talked them into it for the small 20 to put the firecracker in his eye not because he was black oh he had a just because that's the evil i had in my heart some people saw that the good side some people felt the evil and they avoided me but anyway with all that shit you got your friends and uh listen there's 20 000 comics funny to me they're structured whatever but the good thing

about comedy and this is what i totally is the friendships you make in comedy i've made some tremendous friendships and my friends have helped make my career so for all you motherfuckers that think that rogan was the one that put us on the map rogan opened the window we all climbed in like ludus and ari started a project it was called whatever this is not happening and you know he fought comedy essentially to get me on there so in my heart i felt i had to do everything i could for my friend not to embarrass him when somebody opens up the door for you you fucking do the work double because you don't want to embarrass him you're gonna be the best you can even if you don't want to because somebody fucking fucking spoke up for you so you gotta doubly do the

fucking work i don't give a fuck what you feel this guy forced me so i had to go up there and fucking level and if you watch each of those things and you guys know i hate watching myself i fucking went off on those things i didn't give a fuck because it was my brother ari so he's on the podcast today i hope you enjoy the fucking uh interview and that's it i'll be here smoking reef i'll talk to you in a couple minutes how you doing buddy how are you my friend who's that behind you sarah silverman no i don't know if it's going on with it it's definitely going on wherever you're at but there hasn't been a barber opener or anything yeah there's no barb is there's no nothing so i finally had it i had it like two weeks ago i had it i tried it porta rican style

i got out of the shower and i got my hair wet and i got a comb and i would just cut little little inches from each you know whatever and it looked okay it looked a little dwarf i noticed how much hair i had lost from the top already from this fucking pandemic i must be losing hair from just the stress or whatever so the other day i go man i gotta shoot these videos for these guys and they always tell me joey can you uh darken your hair a little bit you're supposed to be uncle joey not grandpa joey so it's like a class that these guys got then they send it out that's funny so i went to wargreens to buy some nicotine gum i didn't have my glasses all right so you know me dog i'm a listen what people don't understand about me is that i'm i'm an

idiot savant like i'm good at some things but some things i just fuck up and i just laugh at most people can't laugh at their own mistakes so i walk into fucking whatever wargreens i get the nicotine thing and i go let me get them i'm gonna cut my hand i'm gonna get some hair dye so i can't see so i just buy like whatever hair dye i forget to bring my glasses i come home i set the whole dead hair dye thing up it's a piece of cake you put gloves on you put on you put it on your hair and you comb your fucking hair in the shower when you stand there for 20 minutes what i do is i usually shave i kill time you know i get the luffa i fucking scrub my ass wash your monkey yeah you know i just take my time i have a little chair in the shower if that's the way it came it's a small

shower but it has a little corner where you can just sit there this time in the water in the back of the right outside the right outside the hotel not much ass space someday i'm gonna take the whole wall down i know it's already going in but i'm prepared to go down and whatever but anyway don't make a difference i put the fucking thing in i come out of the shower and i come out i go to dinner and nobody says nothing to me about my new hairdo in fact my wife says to me jesus christ you you can't wait to go to a doctor uh a barber your hair your hair is fucked up it's so fucking white i go i don't give a fuck about the color of my hair you know i just dyed it i can't believe it's white i don't know what happened so i had to shoot the video so i go what the fuck am i gonna

do i went back to war greens but let me tell you what happened when i got a shower that day and i dried my hair and i'm dressing also i went to throw the box away and there's a little black bottle in there and i go i wonder what this black bottle is for i go maybe it's to touch up like your moustache eyebrows i go i ain't got time for this shit so i put the thing away so then i realized like wait a second am i this fucking stupid is it am i just getting this fucking stupid so i go back to war greens two two three days ago i get the same box of shit and i figured out that that's the ink you gotta put it in there you dumb fuck and shake it up what'd you do i just put the shampoo on my hair like nothing and then i was like what the fuck is going on my hair's getting fucking

whiter so i finally put the fucking thing in i mixed it up i took a sit you know old school because i used to cut my own hair the first three or four weeks of prison you got to cut your own hair that's funny what do you think there's like judge what do you think lily would you think you should go to anybody you think you're the barber geno's hair stylist and cell three no there's a guy why not there's tons of black people yeah one of them went over the show oh yeah no we had to listen to me in and diagnostic there's no barber you ask him for a barb and they'll probably smack in the face it's when you get to your destination so you ready for this the barber at my prison was a guy an old school cheek condom man he was in there for cutting somebody like killing somebody

but he was also a barber but he would only cut hair with a straight razor that's a weird style of people don't do that anymore especially in prison that's the best yeah that's the best haircut you could get is when somebody says they're gonna cut your hair with a razor you're gonna look like fucking Elvis i love it dude i love it barbershops in new york where they go yeah even the beach like the razor yeah razor and it's like so smooth after that it's frightening though you've seen too many mob movies that's how they take people out yeah but not this guy with the cut your hair with a razor eight minutes eight minute haircut pop pop pop he'd use his tremors for two or three things and after that you were fucking out of there but i just figured out how to cut my own hair

i just do a little Puerto Rican trim a little hoop doop dee doop a little head dies so you look a little fucking natural you know boop dee doop this far it's opening hurry it's opening we're opening here that's it retail opens today i retail does i go get a new phone so what's everybody worried about calling Gavin Newsom a fucking tyrant it's opening LA County is not uh uh and for well that's not Gavin Newsom and for maybe to get about west hollywood it was hollywood is still baton that one virus they're battling they haven't cured that yeah oh please let's get aids under control for a second and then you can trust us with covid west hollywood had covid she had covid somebody had covid down there but i'm hearing that all those rock clubs they're trying to figure out what to do

with all those places that includes the comedy store they're gonna have a hard time opening up in west hollywood you know rock and roll routes yeah 24 confirmed cases of employees there and i know and i know a girl who got it from rock and roll routes really yeah it's one of the the fuck they do it just like that was the filthiest of all the fucking routes yeah i mean that's how it is people try to get laid there in the fucking frozen fish aisle i'll join you i guess there's a rock and roll routes has always been one of the best super markets in the country if people don't know rock and roll routes it is dude when you get there oh you get to LA you're like what is this place it's so cool people with leather pants on in the

daytime it's the middle of hollywood it's across the street from the sunset hotel just in case you pick up a chick right there and it's been done let me tell you something i used to go to the fuck and i used to get liquor from routes at a quarter to in the old days because i live people down the corner from routes down the old place tons of women i used to pick up a routes or meet women that took you to that place you want to come over oh my god we just saw you at the common i'm gonna be like having like that you don't even need that or else not a rock and roll off you don't even need that you're like you're cute one am spot and they would go to get beers because they were staying at that shitty hotel across the street the drive in one yes

i used to go to that hotel years ago i ended up in that hotel many a fucking night fucked up with bob did you feel you went in there that hotel used to be with where you went from the commie store me bob baker jimmy shubert marin that's just broken hookers that was a long time ago when we were still doing coke 98 97 98 99 that hotel on the sunset was where you ended up three nights a week or in your building because quarry quomo and and and the girl lived in your building did you see did you see did you see see what i i gotta show you this what your building looks like yeah i saw it did you yeah i drove by it but do you remember the black girl with the freckles that had aids in your building and we used to always go to her house

after black girl yeah because there was holtman that lived in that building you quarry quomo gentry our bull right in uh paula bell holtman paula bell holtman that's what your building looks like now yeah it's gone they finally did it yeah they finally tore it down it's gone you see pinked out right there and nothing in between and when did they throw you out seven years ago seven yeah seven years ago and and then they ended up not selling it is to fucking knock it down they kept getting sued by the city though you're gonna make a nice sore by the rich people at the top they're like you're gonna make it a nice way they're like fine we'll plant a garden on top so you're just looking at greenery and they're like meh trafficking would be bad like what why would traffic be bad

yeah hey to hang out every night 97 you left the common store and you either went to your building when holtman lived in that building there was holtman but there was also a black girl light-skinned black girl that had freckles and she was she was a hooker not a good looking thing she had diseases she had like sores on her body i'm not fucking kidding you you could tell she had been involved in some nasty shit or you went to that you don't run without the car what's that fucking florida what's that comedy club in florida not caped it's like an island that the people go down there off the hook off the hook comedy club yeah off the hook comedy club was owned by a different guy okay closed you know and it was off the hook closed i think so i think it closed

captain bryans or maybe captain bryans closed before whatever whatever was before captain hooks there in 1998 closed he sold it for a big amount of money this guy went in there in the early mid 80s opened up a comedy club became friends with fucking everybody and one day somebody came in and built a development and gave this guy a check this guy took that check went to his bank in florida got it cached to all 20s put it in two suitcases and flew out to LA and checked him to that hotel now he was like a well-renowned comedy club guy at that time that when you went to his club from Tuesday to Sunday it was well known you weren't sleeping i had never worked for his club i had never met the guy till he had moved out here and once he moved out here i have to

ask shuber what's the guy's name was it was he bought an ounce of coke a night for a month really and he just went for his went for it the party started at the comedy store and from there it just ended somewhere till six in the morning when did coke die at the comedy store whenever joey d is left not really no not really because you gotta remember i wasn't doing coke with people up there no i wasn't me and i didn't have a coke partner up there i had really one hidden coke partner up there and that was it i didn't want my secret to get out so i had one guy who by mistake i saw at the dealers one day and he goes i didn't know you knew him but at that time the guy was high up at the comedy store so we never said nothing nobody but from time to time

i'd see him and he'd give me a little bump so back there but it's crazy more about him when no when i was at the store you know chewy sold it there was nice you'd go there rick james would be there waiting for chewy really and yeah he knew a lot what a great location on the sunset on the sunset to have a store front and you could hide your coke behind the bar you don't have to have it in your pocket somebody comes they could give it to the bartender you could put the coke on the table i mean what a it was the ultimate coke dealer job chewy had i did not know it didn't make any sense people would show up like it's true here i'm like no and they're like uh and they'd leave i'm like what you can still stay like comics i'm like you can still stay it's okay but i didn't

know like what they were there for it was so weird because i got to the store and he was rough on people he was rough on a lot of people because he knew the the nature of the comics you got to get into a you know comics or fuck with you and him and harris pete would not take shit from no comic not even a third like you could not even tell them anything they would fucking who did they did something like chewy crash somebody's car on purpose on purpose yeah he smacked the one comic and the guy left and packed up and went to florida became a realtor oh yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah there was no fucking around to come in the two-door guy dude he wouldn't let me park there unless i brought him a cheeseburger from mcdonald's it could be one fifteen in the morning there'd be

six cars in the lot and a lot that that that has 60 people worth there'd be a few cars there like hey can i come in and he'd be like what do you got from me i had to fucking go get a cheeseburger to mcdonald's like here's your shakedown so i was an employee there those two fucking dog guys were fucking tyrants the first time i met harris i was working the phones and i came down i saw him at who's the indian guy god rest his soul the younger one he opened for men see a little bit later on um long hair he was like one of the upper regulars anyway um i said hi nice to meet you and he goes uh oh nice to meet you and the hair is there was like oh i'm already i work upstairs and he just i put my hand out he just goes so he walks away and i'm just like

he would he was bitter i love harris pete me too i love fun to go bitter with him he was bitter and he would tell you i think i was telling uh you guys yesterday that he knew what he wanted you would say something to him he'd go it doesn't matter because in three years i'm gonna be in montana anyway like he had a plan already he had the date down he knew when he was getting out of this shithole on new years he would host upstairs you would put a tough fireworks at midnight did you ever see him dressed up it was funny yeah i forgot about that it was fucking crazy to get him see him dress i mean the the county store staff was different uh i heard like right now i don't do coke i've done coke in 12 fucking years i didn't

even know cocaine existed at the county store i found out about a year ago that after 11 30 that's when the freaks come out of the county store i'm gone by you know i'm saying i'm gone by 11 11 15 but i hear if you go to the county store about 12 30 that place is real that's yeah yeah that's when we we stayed till the end of the time yeah no you stayed i was telling me when you when you and i discussed you moving to new york i remember saying to you it's a no brainer for a guy like you it doesn't make sense because i could be up and i would go home snuck coke i would come down at five and call you yeah five and you'd just be walking in yeah he called one time he just like the phone rang it was like i don't know five o'clock somebody played video

game so the sun came up you should hear the garbage trucks first you're like fuck i stayed up too long then you stay up for another hour anyway he called and it wasn't like i was in bed i was just like hello and he just starts laughing like what are you laughing i was you're the only one i knew would be awake right now i knew as he's waking up if you're not gonna sleep new york is the place for you if you're really gonna i'm the type of motherfucker that if it's midnight now in la the last 10 years going home four out of 10 i'll get in the car and go for a ride because there is no way to go you're just going for a ride starbucks is open till midnight that's it but in new york i could get up at one in the morning still do two spots yeah exactly you could do two spots

after one of the morning and then we're gonna go get a steak and then get a steak with some scotch fucking eggs and fucking and then you talk there's no supermarket oh 159 you can't sell anymore that's why when you said new york i was like it's the real it's a no brain oh it's so much fun because you take advantage of what's there you're gonna be out though five every morning if you're not gonna be out though five don't move to new york be a pussy if you're just smoking a cigar you're just smoking a joint and walking around the streets i'll call my west coast friends then because they're you know a little early and it's just like just walk around and enjoy especially like april to october it's so weird i'm given i've been given interviews to this guy he's trying

to put a book together who fuck him i'm better right than him no no no no he this guy's a great rider he's a he's a great author it's fine he's a great author he's he's writing a book about you know like he has all these great pictures of architecture from the 80s in new york and what the 80s were like in new york and he goes her friends referred me to you because he's a podcast fan and he said you know a lot of stuff he goes if i sent you like just little things with you and i go absolutely you know are you gonna give me a credit in your book he goes yeah absolutely you know so we just talked about like cbgb's how i snuck in there when i was 14 to see the police really i didn't even sneak in the guy let me in the front door that place that part of town was

so degenerate all the stories of like kevin pollock and fucking uh uh it's what's her name smith and all the fucking every every artist every musician was poor living down there because there was heroin there and they put on their uniforms and go work at tji friday's uptown it's crazy how different the city was cbgb's is a fucking high-end clothing store now the village was a complete different entity in new york in the 70s you didn't go to the village you went to china town if you went to the village it was because you were a little weird you were con yeah you were considered to be a little out there like you know i'm saying the village where is like where people who were gluten-free would go to the village in the in the 80s you know and heroin

people that's it yeah that's where they came together that's where those people met up that's where they met up it was gluten-free people people who thought there was special in the village you know yeah and then you had fucking heroin in that village so there was coolness mixed with some cash yeah it was it was really i don't know what our point was what the fuck we're talking about that's why if you look at the marvelous miss mazel that was always like the back then the the village you know where it was like oh cool uh oh someone's getting shot right you know they're like slumming it in a hip way the the village is white the only time i used to go to the village for this place called bleaker bobs it was my probably my all-time favorite it was it was amoeba but cheap

you know i'm saying it was amoeba record store yes but when i was a kid it was like fucking a paradise you know like you went to amoeba you went to whatever the fuck i would like bleaker bobs to lose your mind you would find shit there that you didn't know existed yeah live shows shit like that you know the village wasn't really uh i remember that's so cool to go to cbgb let me tell how old i was let me tell them i was in the village when she the sunday after john lennon got shot i still remember new york how fucking packed it was what do you mean by respect bumper to bumper fucking people walking from all boroughs from states people everybody came in to go to central park for the john lennon memorial

so instead of me going that way heavy i said let me go the other way they had a little park down in the village that they were gonna have a memorial on and i went to the village i went to bleaker bobs i went into that park when i bought some coke that they sold coke at that park when i was a kid it wasn't the best coke in the world but they did the trick and they also had a head shop down in down in the village and i bought in those days it's like a coke wallet like you open this wallet up and i had a bottle a razor blade and a tutor and a little like a shiny not police a glass because it couldn't break it was like a piece of stone yeah so you had your own little coke kit in your wallet only in 1980 you know this had a boy exhibit had a 1980 exactly yeah the

bowie exhibit had a whole glass table full of coke spoons what's that the david bowie it was like a david bowie traveling museum i saw it in like melbourne and then somewhere else too brooklyn oh my god he's just got a whole tray of his coke spoons and they're all beautiful he just had like 30 of them that is crazy that he has all of coke spoons yeah so coke spoon display how many times i almost got you a coke spoon from columbia i was there i almost picked you up one and my other buddy who still does it i don't want to say but i should have stayed sell coke spoons in columbia still it mostly tourist ship because they're like you're probably here for coke it's like but like only the tourist part of town it's like a little bottle or they is there's a little spoon on top of

a little bottle with a chain or just it was just i know just like a little spoon probably like the size of like yeah maybe like your finger you know we're just like it looks like a salt spoon we're just taking a couple pieces of salt but it's just like that big you know for a little toot toots toots oh my god i used to have the unique coke tool that however who who made it who invented it it was a a double barrel shotgun and it was a straw but instead of right here it became two straws and it went into your nose wow remember when we were kids and they had that crazy fucking straw uh-huh crazy straws the crazy straw and you drank chocolate milk then you had a stroke after that if you see a kid with a fucked up eye today it's because he had a crazy straw and

let me use it on my white castle shake oh you're gonna be sucking till your eye pops out kid if you see somebody today with a fucked up jaw or a fucked up eye it's because they drank a shake and like i'm trying to slowly get it up yeah you gotta suck hard and you're like trying to prove it to your parents and your parents like i'm telling you it's not gonna work and you're like it's gonna work and you're pulling you're pulling and you know you're dying that's the fucking worst anyway they had this fucking coke straw that was a piece of glass with two tubes and at the end of the straw it was a shovel all made from glass so you put it in like your pocket in your jacket you opened up the baggie you put the straw in then you put two things to your nose

and it went and you get both of them it's called double barrel shotgun but when you got fucked up you put it in your back pocket you sat on it and there went the neighborhood i must have sat on 20 of those things never got to stitch you know what i'm saying what are the cops talking with one of these things you throw them away the cops never catch you the cops never caught you in those days i never got caught with nothing i got caught with weed that is it really that was it i never got caught with anything with weed i got a lot of the way early i got arrested in january of 82 for weed in new york city and i got a ticket and they made me go to court and they gave me six months of that probation that if you don't get in trouble it doesn't stay on your record

mm-hmm and that was it i've read you've read i mean i'm guessing yeah sounds right i don't know yeah that wasn't easy i called the guy three times i swear to god i called the guy i had to call him once a month just to check in say i'm not doing crimes how you doing how you doing joey good what are you doing up now i got a job at foot locker i'm living with my mother i'm behaving myself all right call me next month have you had any uh police contact no i haven't all right thank you that was it and and then i moved to colorado and i called him and told him i was moving and he goes just write me a letter to make it official and you're out don't worry about nothing he was a good probation officer that's cool you got good ones and you got bad ones

there's a probation officer walking around but i guarantee that motherfucker still thinks of me and wishes i get hit by a car oh i tortured that guy on principle i kept i would put chemicals in my urine test to break the machine yeah so it could read anything for anybody for the rest of the day it'd just be like a little percent of you're a little bit cocky then what's that because you know you send them out you send them out the labs then when the labs test them they're like what the fuck did this guy do because you could throw a shit in your piss to go or more but they count as a hot your analysis so you got to be crazy too you got to be a little careful all right

he's opening up what do you think brother what is your i'm not a fucking expert everybody asks his comics what the fuck what they should do you know what's crazy first of all i don't live i live by the quarter but most importantly i live by the day right now i want you to tell me your quarter project okay i'm talking about what do you see going on till september september and before i'll be in new york talk about anything i'll probably be in new york probably no stand-up there'd probably be no stand-up over which i don't understand how is then i'm going to be standing up over in new york and fucking june well they're two every step is two weeks so i read today first step is like you know necessities then is like real estate type

things then is restaurants and then is like sporting events in live and each one is two weeks in between so i don't know the thing mid june is when they start step one early to mid june so it's like august so really till it gets like open open maybe i'll go somewhere i don't fucking know but if i'm there it's just gonna be walking around getting fucking tuned up with friends we're just gonna be doing hella molly a little bit of coke and then some like a bunch of booze and weed and stuff and having a fucking great time my friend said it the best sal said it the best it's gonna be the fucking roaring 20s we're not gonna have anywhere to go the next day for about two months it's gonna be insane everyone's gonna be like just come over to my place we're having a

house party we're having eight people together and then there's not you know that moment in a part when someone's like all right i gotta go home i gotta and people are like why just go sleep in the bed we'll start fucking partying again tomorrow fucking noon who cares nothing no one's got anywhere to be right now yeah so as soon as they say you can go over to your friend's house which is like in a week or two we're all going to friends houses we're not just gonna do that sober this town is gonna get fucked up hard for like two months it's gonna be on joey you're gonna wake up somebody's gonna just put a join your mouth and like all right and then like here's come and get your line and you're like you know fucking quarantine coffee they're saying they're not opening a

Broadway till january first guy who cares who wants to watch the fucking a man in tights singing a song fuck that do you see me going to fucking see rigoletto and plays and shit but that why the spider man the musical the fucking movies aren't good anymore the musical is gonna be good what are we gonna do with the nicks they're banned that we're sending them to serrano they haven't been good in 25 years if fucking if there's no if there's no if there's no whatever basketball no mba no garden no garden no garden pen station is going to be sort of open underneath it i mean time to stab somebody joey get your fucking get your get your dad stabbing weapon out come on down in new york we're all talking people listen to this show yeah you know yourself

steve samon all our friends except for rogan who hit the jackpot in the middle of the depression you know i'm saying doing better than ever yeah yeah he hit the jackpot in the middle of the depression and i'm very proud and uh i want to congratulate him i mean you know everybody else is up in the air i was like how am i gonna make ends meet and he's like i ain't even thinking that way i'm not even thinking about the fuckers so uh you know i mean what do you think about the road your safety if you stay close to your family i ain't gonna fly for a while i'm not gonna fly for a while i'm in no rush to test this shit out people like everybody says it's not that bad people say it's worse i'm not looking to test shit out what about a drive everywhere including if i

go move somewhere for a while i'm gonna drive there make take a few days doesn't matter not in any rush we're in a time of like you can relax i've got a youtube channel started just doing shit you know just getting shit going and having fun spending time with parents or just going on the road just going on like a two week long road trip why not you got nothing else going on so i'm gonna do shit like that but if i can't do stand-up i don't know i'm gonna go a little nutty just think i'm gonna move to hong kong but now it's fucking not that great there it's it hasn't been that good there for a long time arie it's been great you were never allowed to go to hong kong this day the stand-up club was open they had opened the stand-up club for a month already okay well

the stand-up club there's been open for a month that's great let's go in total yeah that's great in a month they handled it fucking died in a month going to a fucking comedy club that's the comedy club i want to work at you know i'm saying what people die thank you i can't read sarcasm i think you're right no no no listen you don't ever want somebody to fucking say i went to arie sheffield show and somebody breathed on me and i got fucking saws and my eye won't work it was way safer than new york safer than la what's that hong kong was safer than la and new york and chicago seattle anywhere i was hong kong was safer who's there are you fucking crazy for the fucking whole thing start listen arie that's why i get me fucking started

it's way far away listen that's like saying something started in a fucking winnipeg and you're like no don't go to mexico city the dog it's it started in hong kong where did it start wuhan china where's hong kong wait wait show him a map open up a map lee uh where the fuck is china where the fuck is wuhan that's what i want to know hong kong hands up like china's asshole right in the middle right the fucking bonehole okay i don't know where's i have no idea hong kong is the southern right tip the bottom right tip on the map so it's like going from san diego to la it's like a three hour flight from beijing to hong kong mind your fucking business no i'd say we don't even know where the fuck you are we don't know where the fucking hong kong it could be further

it could be further you leave me alone why you gotta upset me it's the morning time i'm not going anywhere that's a repro-test i love you want anything in the world i want you two hours from d-deck whether there's not even people walking around with no eyebrows in wuhan and you want to do comedy for those fucking people they have shows they got spots they're putting fucking where are you gonna guarantee megan do spots where i don't know where besides well it depends if you're in baltimore or you're in fucking new york there's no spots open up all more and it's not going to open up in november when it gets worse again we don't we don't know we don't know dick let's just assume for the next 90 fucking days what is your fucking plan eventually things are

going to open in three weeks you gotta get back on stage you gotta get back on stage it's in your blood all right so you you pick three clubs so i might move somewhere where they have more stand up where the fuck do they have more stand up than in new york they don't have it in new york why not because new york city is starting phase one in the fucking early to mid-june they haven't met all the fucking check marks yet all right listen they're gonna open a fucking restaurant okay all right so i'm in i'm in i'm in i'll not do spots for a little while listen to me once they open up restaurants which is the stand which is got them which is all these things there's a bunch of restaurants that that do comedy i hear you wink wink you understand me i do now that you wink i

get it we're not a comedy club people come in from time to time from time to time that does comedy that's a local homeless person he's just up there blathering comedy club that you understand me i think if you one of those just like well people don't know like i've been talking a lot of business owners and i know you know they call me with friends and you know i was george in jersey and i go you're barking up the wrong tree if you're a business owner right now instead of crying every day and calling your governor and bothering them when he's gonna open up my business i want you to realistically look at your business sit down get a fucking measuring thing measure seven feet well it's six comic club measure seven measure seven buy a piece of plexiglass put it on top of

your thing and you have to have a written plan for that certain department of health and they'll open you up i bet that'd be great plexiglass so everyone's out there at a restaurant but you're all behind plexiglass you can be right there and they serve your stuff no no through one of those trays close it airtight case opens up push through what you're gonna have is you're gonna walk into a restaurant a chick's gonna come up to you with a mask and gloves and there's gonna be a table in between you and the people next to you and they're gonna take your order and then they're gonna throw away their pay the menu and then they're gonna bring you whatever and then you eat and you pay with cash atm and on the way out you have arrows on the floor and it shows you how to social

distance that's it i'm not i'm not taking that chance i'm not doing it i'll let us you're not doing what chance i'm not doing that i'm not going to socially distant restaurants when it's half full and lame okay no that's not true i will i know myself as i said and i realized it's not true you've eaten monkey brains in thailand at this point you eat what the fuck they give you okay you've eaten fucking like some fucking bull in thailand at this point you can eat a billy goat you like john rambo so i think i ate some dog soup and i'm not talking about fucking i'm not talking about i'm talking about what comedy clubs do you see opening in new york because they're smaller ones i think okay like the stand the seller um uh new york comedy club the small ones if you're a

fucking hundred cedar you can already comply with like you know a little bit let me ask you a question when we started we did the store when we first became regulars and you went up at 12 30 how many people were on stage that's what matt agar said yeah how many people on stage one in stage on the audience how many people in the audience yeah eight twelve look at me now look at me now absolutely 29 years later with nine people in the audience every night yeah i've done that before five nights four nights a week the eight people following paul moody it could be done once it could be done again okay who's not gonna handle that who the fucking podcast comics the fucking actor comics the ones who are like oh i never did that before why would i go up in front of less in the

theater it's like you ain't gonna be able to handle that fucking spaced out room listen as a comic we all have needs we all have needs and we all know what we want and we don't want to do dude on a tuesday night at the 10 o'clock show you're only getting 30 people anyway it's not that weird we had shows canceled in new york fucking six months ago because of nobody came well the problem in new york that became in new york was you had two all of a sudden you had two of the comedy clubs yeah and and five twenty five of them were really legit the other ones are just fucking dumps now it's always they always got two good comics at every one of those clubs so this oh new york became what every place else became greedy you know oh i got four rich people killed

nyc yeah i got four walls we can get a liquor license we don't need a liquor license look what happened in LA all these shitholes started opening up open mics which made guys pay five hours to get on stage pay to get on stage remember how shitty that was fuck that place in my world that's complete bullshit it's complete bullshit in a reality every time they make you buy a drink i'd be like well i'm stealing a glass you'd have to buy a drink westward broco there was a time in new york there was a time in new york where you had to bring five people here they call bringer shows whatever bringer shows but for our situation yeah right now 90 days yeah when do you think you're gonna go back to new york full time about another month i think maybe even less than that and then i think

a couple weeks and then like hang out there for a little bit go back to my stuff for like a month or two feel it out you know changes and then maybe figure out another city to live in or if if if comedy club's still open open again i would love to do it in new york all i need is those 2030 people 10 really 10 get a minion get a minion how old are you now 46 years old how old is the how are you in the girlfriend get along it's fucking great you know these are doing so how's it gonna be with 24 seven fine totally let me ask you a question how many nights a week do you still want to go out and do comedy seven still still in your heart maybe in the five or six i mean you got the girl for now you're a little older how many you don't care okay so five at least the night is going out

multiple spots every night you wouldn't consider staying where you're at now and doing what you're doing in new york same thing what do you mean i mean what you don't just doing nothing you mean just like hanging out yeah maybe for a little bit see your friends that's it dude i haven't seen my friends in a while what friends what you fuck you they're friends in new york i don't know what friends in new york oh yeah new york i don't know you know new york big j and dorosa and korean and like okay i didn't you know i haven't seen my friends norman and it's like i haven't seen any it's like annoying i would do that for a while and just hang out with friends one on ones you know i could i could be okay creatively if i could talk with no comedy or with comedy yeah with no comedy i could

be okay as long as i can shoot the shit with some comedians you don't go to new york for a little while so there's comedy you stay but i want five nights a week you stay as close to you can't your family to the comedy it opens i don't go nowhere i'm going nuts here huh i'm going nuts here a little bit you gotta do some social stuff you can't do mushrooms here the orthodox jewish just go hang out with your dad go ask me great stories how much how fun is it you know what i would do right now to smoke a joint and go torture my dad i'll fucking go fucking go dude i gotta i go out for dinner sometimes oh yeah and they don't even know they're like oh arie's being so fun yeah yeah i don't even understand why you don't dose them a little give him like a 10 milligram

and take him for a walk and let him tell you i'm really gonna kick in yeah give him a little bird's bird's don't get don't give him a bird dinner just give him a little like uh just give him like a little five milligram gummy bear just to feel it just to feel it and then let him loosen up he's like yeah that felt kind of good now boom then next you know we'll send them a capsule we'll send them a capsule of death one of the 25 milligrams so straight for that a star of death let me tell you something your father will walk is he still walking oh yeah every day uh yeah yeah that's what keeps those guys alive my grandson's crazy i want to see my uncle saturday with my daughter 82 he looks fucking he looks unbelievable five miles you see some of these people edit

james i just looked up died at 81 i was like oh wow i'm like wow i mean she must have lived way harder than my dad done a lot of drugs a lot of drugs just not taking care you know the road is a killer near a performer especially i just saw that amy white house documentary you see it is it new or the old one i think it's been the last couple years yeah i watched it when it first came out no it really was so fucking lame she just got on the road and it was just like it wasn't even like the nirvana thing where it's like oh he was tortured it was just like she got into croak and crack and heroin and then she just kept doing it and then it was all over it wasn't even like a response to anything it was just like she just got on the road and did got worn out and did a bunch

of crank and fucking died she was getting fucked up yeah yeah she would have been cool to party with she was you know who i want to party with in new york who's the chick who was on one of those abc family shows or whatever she belonged she might have been sabrina the teenage witch or it might have been somebody else she's fucking bat you're crazy now she got caught throwing a fucking bong out of her fucking fifth story window in new york the cops knocked in the door because she was partying too loud she freaked out and took her bong and threw it onto the street her glass bong what's her name lee is that most of your heart is that what you mean nope no it she played sabrina it was the other it was the other one right on the same time but

and she's fucking bat you're crazy Amanda binds Amanda binds i want to party with her just one night or two and just be like let's have some fun let's talk shit let's get fucked up she knows some fucking secret spots in new york for sure where you knock on a fucking uh walk in refrigerator and then there's some steps down to some cool club she knows all those spots i want to party with her and whatever she puts in front of me i'm like sure tonight's about me and binds me so i'm a little lost man yeah that's the new york i want to do this is i want to get back to that let's let's oh fuck what's that in the window it's the sunlight and we're still drinking beers you are on a different planet what's going on with you are you all right are you putting some

socialization you you need what some socializing we're doing what we want to talk just pick up the phone call somebody what do you want to do but it's like you want to be there with somebody where i do like you want to be you're gonna go there's if there's no common new york where you get to walk around with joe the rose and get slices of pizza go to the museum of natural history there's not an open dude there's there's um there's um uh front you know that like where you go to get a pizza slice that's on the street so you don't have to walk in the you know the window service they have that for bars now you can go get a fucking mix drink i'm like see you later and walk on with it like it was like it was a fucking smoothie from starbucks so what do i do a new york

school again i want to get back there it's the funnest time it's like you know in between an la in between new years christmas and new years and it's always like at a third capacity you can find parking you're like oh yeah this makes sense i like to see you just that week that's how new earth's gonna be just fucking we run this city it's already great it was already great dude do you know what it's like to be white in new york they let you drink openly in the street the worst they're gonna say is fucking come on put that in the trashcan you can do whatever you want it's amazing it's gonna be right back to that they're gonna enforce a law they're fucking your grandmother died yesterday but get out of here i'm just drinking i think that they thin the herd new york

dog a lot of people are gonna come back for sure it's it's gonna be a lot of people left new york they they're done with buildings lee said he went for a walk the other day with steve i already don't believe you no him and steve simon steve's a liar he's a godless liar he gets him out of the house twice a week you know that's good he only does park away the mail going to mail it's a kind of one day i didn't hear from him i only want the starbucks at burbank that's a good walk but uh he said he saw four moving trucks on the walk so between here and there people are abandoning fucking ship jack people want to get out of buildings so he'll send the herd and it's funny i've been watching a lot

of old new york movies yeah i'm looking at the streets the extras how they would do new york just grew exponentially that area the population in that area you know i wonder what it was an 82 there's no more so ho you can't have that because rich people like i need to be it keeps pushing things out it's it's it's too much so this will be good it'll go back it'll get back to it it'll get back to it well there'll be a new generation of momos don't have a vaccine but like how many people can afford to send their kid to get an apartment where they're at nyu it's like you know i mean it's like look i can still afford to send you there but we're 40 minute drive i can't afford another 30 grand a year to put you up in an apartment yeah you gotta be able to drive

it's gonna be rough for a few so those those are empty it's gonna bring everything down it's gonna bring fucking drugs up it's gonna be way cool again a little violence too little violence will be back it's worth it it'll be cool again so anyway that's what i'll do for a few months and then who the fuck knows who the fuck knows i'm like you i'm living the now i'm enjoying myself i'm having a great time started a podcast channel like i said youtube.com slash skeptic tank fucking pushing into there teach yoga i don't know how fun i walk my dog i spend time with my dog i go to the woods every day five days a week i go here what's the teaching yoga how long have you been involved with yoga well joey i've been enlightened i would say for a long time i have friends that

have been to india uh some multiple times okay so when you talk about enlightenment you really can't have that conversation without thinking about me uh and yoga is not just a way to work out it's also a way of life joey it's about getting your mind and your body straight so what i do is i get some fucking booze or a joint and i fucking do yoga i'm a yogi i do legit classes but you know as best as i can do i go to that it are you certified and everything yeah i'm certified in every fucking accreditation there is who certified you i have friends that have been to india joey are you not hearing me some multiple times listen where i get my lottery tickets he's from india oh i can't that doesn't mean i'm a lot of you fucking i'm a i'm a i'm a fucking yoga teacher

how many moves do you have oh watch this right now you have a pattern wait look at that that's touching joey no that's flexibility that's great that's great i mean do you have a flow there are 30 minute classes 30 minute classes 10 minutes of that is just fucking sitting there being thankful do we open up with an armor stay is there a bong do we hit a gong sometimes there's a bong look if i was home there'd be a bong occasional a gong you fuck you gotta hit a gong do you do the breath of fire these are the questions i'm asking you show me the breath of fire to know i have the ass of fire what's the breath of fire breath of fire is with what fucking heads of grace you sit there your palms out

oh yeah there is now i was taking your suggestion across the street look the the best teacher for breath of fire is on uh sunset and uh laurel canyon yeah laurel canyon those are students of mine that's a laurel canyon they're not fucking students of yours yeah all right there's a lady there yeah yeah the lady at sunset in last in last year i know what you're talking about that's a different yoga that's called that's uh that's the yoga with the cundalini yeah yeah yeah that's the breath one then there's the other one that my wife goes i used to go with it all right so that's how you became a yoga teacher because you have to do it once and you got fucking enlightened ain't that a kick in the fucking ass

it's crazy because my life i probably get like 12 minutes of moves in about 30 yoga people are the nicest people in the world they got a little body funk to them we are but besides that they're really nice nice people they try that they don't clean the mat you know but don't clean the mat there's a little at the wide there's a cute little yoga teacher there when i first moved up there me and my wife used to go up there on tuesday nights for date night this is way before the birth of my daughter this is 10 years ago every tuesday my wife would get home we'd change and we'd run to the wire and we'd do six to seven thirty yoga we'd eat dinner at no ho and then we'd run home and watch sun's anarchy and that was our date night and then we'd go

against saturdays at eleven thirty this is even before the podcast this is 2010 that was our system i wasn't really going on the road me you and rogan whenever rogan would take us out we weren't really going on the road in 2010 2010 no so it's a good date night though yeah yoga for a date night is one of the best things i had this whole studio i was gonna do it there i was gonna do it in era invite friends over to do yoga just fucking comics trying their best you know i could do a downward dog i'm sure you can do stuff i could do i do we'll do one together i do yoga at the end of my workouts i'll do stretch it out i'll do a cat cat pose cat pose i've heard of that cat pose i'll do a child pose i don't know that one i'll switch it up into uh the one where you lift the arm

and lift up the opposite leg oh yeah for sure okay i do the one where you take your leg and throw it behind you i do the standing one the warrior i do you ever do this one you ever do this one hold on i do the tree pose for balance you ever do it's war it's uh it's uh the girl one why is it gonna be good no i never got this it's i know i never do the goddess but i've always been very intrigued with that aspect because when i got out of the fucking joint what are you doing arie i got all these ones for you do this one yeah i do that one too that's great that's a good one right there

you ever do this i call this one pick it up the quarter you've been way down and then you don't want anybody to see you because you're a jew but there's a quarter down there i got all these moves you ever do this one you gotta do a foot dick and then you just like try to suck that foot dick you can't get there but yoga's fun do people actually watch this or do they pay you yeah thousands no they're just watching this makes them do fucking yoga i make it accessible i say real terms why don't you you know what i got this idea you just take the fucking online class me and bratt bratt christ we're on uh we just finished that sober october 30 days of yoga

15 days of hot yoga and the day after we were one of the joker's crews with sale and uh the people there at the fucking cruise lines they're cool they do a bunch of comedy stuff and they go we go me and burt we're like hey let's teach a yoga class on the deck we know all the moves by heart we just finished doing 15 of them in 30 days you know hey there and he goes uh and he goes um yeah so we let it so we just did it drunk on the fucking deck and every time i would do this thing every time you're like hold hold you know and release but instead of release i'll just go and fuck it okay next move it was fun people were doing them with you

on the deck of the fucking cruise ship in the middle of the atlantic how many people they're taking the class 75 80 maybe a hundred it was great we just got drunk people kept bringing burt shots and then i'm like oh i'm doing this let's fucking do a class so let me ask you something is there somewhere in your heart you're thinking of dosing bird a second time for sure i don't think i have multiple plans i got my mistake was not getting his wife that way she got upset at me because she felt left out i think that was the biggest issue no i don't know i'm not gonna toast him again and let's see the opportunity to rise say so no i'm gonna toast him again they would be fucking hilarious like like in the bar in

new york if you got him again that would be but i'm not gonna do it but it would be hilarious that would be priceless there was a you know when i really got into when i really got fucked and fucked up on blow yeah there was two clubs and they were friends with each other yeah one was in houston the moment was in bowmont and it was pete you remember pete and slayed ham texas pete yeah and slayed ham and i loved them both but i love cocaine better and you know that the week always started different sometimes i would go to houston and just do houston but sometimes i would go to houston and do houston friday and saturday but do bowmont on thursday and then i would do weekends so i would switch it around it's two clubs you could do either of them either weekend so

so i'm getting fucked up harry it's 2006 and i am just a mess and in those days it was you didn't know it was whatever happened the night before is he gonna show up we just oh yeah that joey deus that joey deus was the that joey deus got me on the road joe rogan only need one opener i want to take his one opener but joe but he was like well i might not have the one opener i don't know till i get to the airport if joey's gonna meet me at the airport it was crazy it was pre cell phone too so you could sound like he could or it's definitely a smart phone but he was all like it's not answering it could be driving for a reason i didn't let nobody pay joey we'd have to call for your spots yeah we'd be like hey uh this this is the comedy

store can you please call back and get your spots yeah i used to have a pager that's why that's nobody would call me and yeah he said he said he would show up and he would call like where are you and you're like oh i don't know i'm not coming you're like i'm at the airport that shows tonight what do you mean i can't get somebody down to the airport right now it's like the we were boarding in 20 minutes oh my god so he started bringing me in case joey didn't come i would just emcee or i'd middle if joey didn't come how fucking crazy is that and that's how you not fire you the response was let me get another employee to cover up this employee instead of just firing well he didn't fire me because he fucking loved me to death i know it's

hilarious and if anybody else was to do coke around him tell him how pissed he would get he hated coke for them he tolerated me he just i don't know why he loved me i think he thought you were crazy i still remember calling him a tame lion i remember calling him one morning at six in the morning waking him up like hello and i'm like hey i'm not going and he's like why not and i go i can't and he goes like i can't find my wallet and he goes what are you talking about i go i can't find my wallet and then remember the new years i didn't show and he was that you and dunk him with air and you're like talking and he and you know like you're like yeah ds ds ain't coming to rogan's like that's great that he told you guys but he didn't tell me i didn't even call

rogan i just decided not to even go that's how the guys at will turn dog it was so bad people wouldn't hire me people it's not like it's not like he got drunk and wasn't as good as he could be he he was a complete zero because he wasn't there you can't do any worse than not there not there how long did that last oh my god rogan wouldn't fire him he's not going to learn a lesson if he never gets recomposed like come up in people don't learn lessons without comeuppance he would you're like okay well you're on next week rogan would talk to me and ask me if i was okay and i tell him yes and then i would show up imagine if you called it to work your day job and say i'm not coming they're like okay we'll see you tomorrow great situation all right so pete pete

was my friend yeah sorry yeah so he's waiting for me one thursday and sure enough i get high till fucking five in the morning i got checked out seven a.m flight now i'm getting anxiety i'm not going i'm not going i still got a gram of coke left i can't leave so that that was one time remember those days where you had wednesday and thursday then you had the weekend yeah so the first time i got pete was like all right i'll see you tuesday didn't show up tuesday had no addition then wednesday came along and it's like man i missed the flight and the other one is packed okay i could get somebody to cover for you on wednesday night so now you at least you know fuck it wednesday night i go out and get fucked like i don't want to get into playing like what are you talking about

you have a flight leaving and him and me calling him and going i'm leaving for the airport and hanging up and i wouldn't go anywhere and next to you know my pager would start blowing up at like it was nuts like if the plane was supposed to land at one o'clock in houston that's three o'clock you know my phone my pager at home would start blowing up and i'd be passed out i'd be passed out from doing blow and the pager would wake me up and i'd wake up and they're like like 16 mixed uh mixed uh whatever and then i would finally call him back i think this was why even call back yes he had a brief he had a he had a cell phone i held out till the end everybody had a cell phone first he had a cell phone you can hang up in

a shoulder strap yeah and hang it up i i held out till the end to get a cell phone so i remember calling pete he's like where the fuck are you and i'm like i'm here my plane just landed i'll meet you outside i'm in gate eight and him keep calling me like where are you and me calling back on i'm on gate six you know like where are you hoping this would go at this point like he's gonna find out you're still in bed it was crazy it was and i would just stop answering the phone and then i would get calls from all over from ralphie from fucking because he's calling where are you yeah and then they fucking just finally realized i wasn't coming so about six months later slayed ham calls me and he goes can you work the weekend i'm like absolutely and he calls pete

and he goes guess who i got this weekend joe dears he goes bro you better get a backup and that's not gonna show slays like dears is my brother he's not gonna do that to me sure enough that Thursday night i went out i got fucked up and i had a because he was my i felt so bad because he was my buddy i had to keep calling back i just landed but i'm in the airplane hold on wait for me and you're still partying in la huh and you're still partying in la you're not i would still be in la but you you didn't do coke in the daytime so you just be sober just sitting there like i don't want to go night time less long time i gotta go to the battery i gotta get better be right all right by that time uh do you want to pause no no but by that time i would be down but i would

feel so bad about myself i couldn't i wouldn't be able to sleep but i would feel so bad about that i had that i had stayed up all night and done coke and now i'm missing this date i did that a couple times to people like if they were in an improv or like a regular book or all your chances were even less and if you sent me a deposit you're definitely not going to see me what what about shows in la like if the if someone hired you like do a bar show or like a something around la what do you okay let's say for some weird reason i didn't have a spot at the store and i had three shows the first show paid me 50 the second show paid me 100 and the third show paid me 45 dollars that 45 dollar show had a 50 50 shot of me showing up

because i already had the hundred and a quarter what if i bumped into the man before i had that i'm not making a fact that it would be very rare unless i needed weed or something i would it might my life was horrible my my comedy career was controlled by cocaine i would never be where i'd be today if i was still doing coke it could not have that's because the coke it was something because you always talk about how like you were out every night this and that like you weren't a bad coca though joey i've since i've met you i didn't know what it was when you were doing it but i said i met a bunch of people who do coke all the time and it just your your symptoms didn't look like coca you weren't a bad coca you wouldn't get your

i took care of business first yeah business was first you said you always left you wanted to coke you could do all the coke you want i will never get angry and then even for doing coke lee you tell me you like coke you like the pussy whatever i don't care but as long as you're here at seven a.m. you know as long as you take care of what you have to take care of like i wasn't canceling at the store in those days because that's like business you gotta do that that's my business you only cancel rogan because he wouldn't fire you so you were taking care no no but even when i had to work by myself i was doing it i was canceling on rogan and i was canceling on comedy clubs on my own yourself yeah you know uh you know rogan remember when i stopped working sundays

and i would just get up on sunday and leave just gone and he would get mad at me because i was trying to make a point we're not working sundays no more if you booked the sunday you booked sunday i got a family and i didn't have a family i just had a girlfriend but i wanted to have some type of family normality in my life you did not want to work sundays i did not want to work sundays so i stopped working sundays i like it back on sundays for potluck for the store is why i could do my spot too yeah no so i'm like come on let's let's leave sunday i can do a spot at the store and he rogan used to always take us he would take us to phoenix friday saturday and sunday and four uh one of those florida clubs oh yeah but austin also austin was a sunday

awesome was a sunday too i think he switched to thursday eventually switched to thursday oh yeah because once he had the kids i talked him out of it i'm like i'm not doing sundays and i still remember leaving him somewhere like just not i would just get up on sunday and leave i can't imagine if any of my openers were like we're like now i left i'd be like what i might even have some respect for it but i'm like i'd be like no i mean i'm never gonna work with you again i can't i needed somebody there i fucking i maybe get a local here's the deal in 1999 i woke up one sunday in dalis i was working the adison improv and i was working with my idol nick depolo and i woke up that fucking sunday and i said what the fuck am i doing here honest to god

i was like this is like beyond like i i've told lee because of i don't mean and you know more than anybody what i'm talking about what i don't know i have a very very very very very very big religious background yeah really and i really believe in sundays is the lord's there there's no that's why you don't work sundays there's no work on sunday no i'll tell you what my thing is arie okay i believe that especially in the comedy that we have in the business that we're in there has to always be some type of normality if not we forget who we are you know when when you go home with no i'll agree with that i agree with that you need a day or two for like movie night that's why i only do five or six days who we we had you know i am so good joe rogan got that spotify deal because

there is a god because if anybody knows joe rogan's generosity is you and i and how he took care of us and how we wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for joe joe opened up a door for us and we ran through it you follow i'm saying to you fuck him and then we give me my money i want half yeah i mean you have to really think about got joe deserves joe bought me more stakes than my own mother bought me i sometimes would be like it'd be like it'd be like uh oh let's just get a sandwich a subway like there's a fogo to chow in town there was no no i still remember walking out of a fogo to chow with you in in texas where he bought us a shot and this is 15 years ago oh yeah it was like a 450 dollar shot of whiskey a piece as a fucking

digest thief as he did yeah as in the apparently the truck that goes by he just called the lady over and he goes do him a favor give him a shot of the best whiskey you got and when he got the thing he's like jesus christ it was 450 a shot i mean that's how generous joe has been to me when you and i talked i talked about this on this podcast monday that's why as a comic you have to be happy when other comics elevate you're not gonna grow if you throw hate on me when he got that deal because he's friends with dames same as drake nobody talks about drake excuse yeah can't somebody just get a deal because they work hard can't somebody just get rewarded shut the fuck up you know who's saying that he built the biggest thing in the world he's done something phenomenal

so shut the fuck up but if anybody knows i mean he took great canvas on the road absolutely we ate he ate what he drew and we went first it was nuts i never ate so good oh my god i remember i remember you give me your first class ticket remember you going you sitting in first class because i'm just gonna sleep i'm not gonna eat respect for my elders yeah no this is my boy he's gonna give me his first class seat we're rogan i mean we had oh so he did take the first class away from me no no no no he would only always get one first class ticket an extra one to sit with him yeah we switch off with him and then we switch off and stuff it was or the ufc would get him and one companion ticket well come so those are both first class so if he flew a third person he's like

i'm not i'm not spending the fucking 1100 on a flight i'll spend 100 and you know what a lot of times he did i don't know how i don't know if we get time one time we did rascals in orange new jersey on the way home we will walk we were involved in a comedic conversation yeah and i have nothing in common besides comedy when joe and i talk comedy that's why he loves me because he knows the respect and the dedication and uh i was a thief that never stole a joke you know what i'm saying like i'm a thief that never stole a joke if anyone would steal it be you because i believe this religion so much i believe it's funny how you see some people that are like oh you're just a real comic you just talk comedy theory you just get into it and talk and it's like almost at any level

it's like oh you're just like once people talk comedy theory and you start talking about the pause that hicks took on that break when he thinks that when you start talking to somebody and i know that they know comedy that much that's it run to a different level now you're not telling me that you saw what's his name especially on netflix and it was great it was amazing when you tell me that you say words oh it was amazing when you tell me that you saw how do you live in that town still when you tell me that you saw the bob newhart uh the album i have here yeah when you when you quote me a line from that and say to me the way he said it uh the the bob newhart has a bit about defending a blinkin at the proclamation it's a it's the weirdest joke you've ever heard

i'm not giving it any justice my point being when you find somebody like that that you connect with at a comedy level that's why joe and i get along because joe knows the respect i have for this whole thing of ours this things to me is a motorcycle gang these guys don't act like it because we've become other things but to me i lost their way i didn't become a comic to be a fucking whatever i became a comic to be an outlaw right i'm an outlaw it's so weird when those people go so corporate it's so strange it's like why you the whatever so yeah you wanted to blend in with people you want to be invited to rich hollywood parties this is why i i don't want to do that i it's not even the money it's it's that they all like it's weird you in la you get this thing where

they can't even make fun of actors because someone might know someone who knows them and like well i thought i can't make fun of a movie and it's like oh you guys just i don't know l a lost its bite yeah no it's it's a different thing but rogan got what he got yeah some comics are still commas there for sure but no the you know what's crazy about rogan how how much he spent on us he was making less than you are now on the road you know he might have had like i guess at some point he had the the fucking game show money but like still it wasn't like he was like super rich he was just like doing well but like he would just throw money around i think some weekends we made more than him yeah he would for the real i've done a map he would take care of us so much that and

the comedy freedom he gave you it was a comedy it was for us it was the best part let me tell you one of the best things you could do as a child as a child is to go away for a week to a camp that specializes in something like if you go to a basketball camp or a football camp or a baseball investment camp you went to an investment camp what where'd you go no no let's just wake up jewish but it's really weird because it's it's seven days that's nothing but that sport oh right oh basketball camp no i've done those basketball camp so yeah when we used to go out with rogan when it was me you Duncan again red band Duncan eddie eddie and tate it was pretty well tom it was pretty much two things

going on there there was a comedy camp and a jiu jitsu camp yeah okay the comedy camp we were learning was it's it's hard to believe like i wish we could do we could call that a tour comedy camp because that's what it was yeah we were all on the same floor you know but when we get out late eating and fucking stay out late eating shoot the shirt just talking you know i go to it rogan to eat at two in the morning and then i'll drive home and tell me how i have to lose weight then why'd you take me to eat for what you take me to fucking stay for if you want me to lose fucking weight for two in the morning steak and then say yeah you're fucking too fat then what the fucking take me to fucking take more you know that's a good point

he was always taking me for the best fucking place in the city you go to the city it never ends that's hilarious yeah let's go get some Thai food or whatever and then you don't want to just one dish he's like i'm gonna get three and then pick from there and you get three and then pick out of that and then he gets like a dessert yeah let me get that you want the half dessert yeah and then after it's all done after he pays the tab after he tells you he loves you on the way out to go to hug you know go you gotta start losing weight dog and you're like what the then why the fuck did you bring me here why don't you take me to a salad spot you take me to a fucking steak joint if i need to lose weight take me to chopped salads i thank him a lot and i thank you because

we learned a lot from each other and that and guess what bro that's never gonna happen again in this lifetime it was so weird there's going on the road with two crazy good comics and it was like just seeing the situations and that was like he didn't have the whole room there for rogan he had a lot of the room there for him but a lot of them was just there for saturday night out with their friends and so he had to deal with some fucking rowdy people and it was like watching you guys deal with it was like wow that's a cool way to do it or that's a cool way to do it or make friends with them or it was the same show i got from the comic show later tonight too we're seeing like mooney deal with a heckler or or any of you guys or or how to go hard or i don't know just like

it is like comedy camp you're just sitting in the back and just fucking watch and then talk about shit i still remember going with rogan to new york with duncan and telling duncan that i was gonna get him lined up that night with the the chinks in china town to get him a shot of opium i'm gonna go get our feet rubbed and shit right so our goal was to get rid of rogan so we get to the airport we get to new york you know rogan wants to go out right away then he wants to go to you pool oh yeah yeah it's like i'm starting to feel dying and all this shit and i mean he's duncan's looking at me like let's get to china town let's get opium i kept making up this story her name is mr rogan we're never gonna get opium oh we were trying to put rogan home to go to sleep so you could

so him and i could sneak out and go get the fucking opium but rogan wouldn't stop he kept fucking shooting fucking eight ball and we ended up go we ended up getting home like a two and i wasn't in my whole top room 10 minutes duncan's fucking calling me like are we gonna go down and get the opium and i'm like are you fucking serious you really want to go to china like he really wanted to go you know that scene what's upon a time in america yeah noodles deniro would go to the opium den oh yeah in china town and just it looks so cool it was like a chinese tea then the guy would give you a massage and shit that's where he wanted to go we had a wait till rogan went to sleep i mean that it's fucking crazy shit man that's funny that's funny

when he doesn't even want to do some things we in red band went to we saw puppies at a puppy store you know and rogan's like he knew about it then before us it was like it's a puppy male they're fucking all the dogs are in bread whatever he was like i can't i can't they're in cages they should just whatever um and we were going in he's like no no don't i can't and we're like fuck off we're gonna play with puppies that's one time we're not gonna get us and we're just like in there but you can't resist puppies that was the only time i was like ah dude i'm i'm i'm doing my thing it was always fun though it was always fun fucking crazy late night italian dinners and pool and drinks yeah you never touched your wallet at all god damn it was fun you never touched your

wallet it's uh you know i hate when i read negative shit about him online and i just want i'll stop writing that much i i want to i want to i want to tell people you have no idea yeah that you really have no idea what you're talking about and i don't even that's just popularity whenever people say shit about him sometimes yeah i really want to give him a them a laundry list of things that he's good stuff he's done to for people that nobody knows about that nobody even has a clue about i love when they call him a racist i love it i love it i love it i love who calls him a racist really yeah they say he's racist people are crazy this country they did a thing like they somebody put up somebody sent me a fucking email that the percentages of people he had on

his guest and i'm like how does this affect your life oh yeah it's nuts you know she's like well he doesn't put the percentages of african-american women like there was somebody who sent me a chart you guys haven't done anything yet miss patsy only one of you done darling and she's on multiple times so the rest of yours is not enough african-american women i think he's had tiffany haddish on he loves miss pat what are you talking about but they fucking want more percentages of shit and all i understand is why get your attention behind something you don't like rather than just try to go build up a fucking this is what somebody when we did my show the first year it was just on the internet and somebody wrote a blog and it said uh this is not happening had zero women on

and that's ridiculous and then my manager who was producing it a woman wrote that person back and said we had seven women on we had seven women on not zero seven and she goes well still wasn't quite enough and then she goes why don't you spend your time promoting women we got miss pat we found miss pat in fucking the middle of the god of indianapolis why don't you time spend some time writing about how great she is instead of doing this negative american thing like i don't like this and i don't like this like then go do something about it prop up a fucking female what are you shitting on rogan because he doesn't book enough for that go prop somebody up we'll complain about what's not going the right way he's getting hurt by him booking

fucking elon musk oh then you start a fucking billion dollar company he'll have you on black checks start a billion dollar company i guarantee he'll have you on run a double marathon two in a row and then fucking kill a deer he'll have you on fuck nut it's always a pleasure to have you on monday morning we're recording yeah we're recording what the fuck this is just me and you talking well talking about what no you can't hear any of that i said some terrible things no we're gonna fucking we're gonna air this shit who gives a fuck anymore what are you gonna cancel what are you gonna cancel you ever hear what louis joke about it was what is it say is that something offensive people go oh he goes what are you gonna do next take one of my

birthday yeah he already took away everything what are you gonna do what are you gonna do they can't do nothing they can't they can't already that's the best it's so much fun i can't wait to get back to la and hang out you know it's so weird how let's let's do musical chairs with drugs one night people are fucking dying and they're still talking about cancel culture go fuck yourself that's who you know we're all okay if you're if you're focusing on some dumb shit like that then we're okay as a group i don't give two fucks about what's going on that means nobody's in danger i'm excited that we may be in uh brand here's what we should do from now on when people start going like i didn't like this i don't like that like on comments everyone else just respond with

like hey dude we're not doing that anymore just have like 50 comments back no no we're not doing that anymore i don't like what he said about our manians now hey we're not doing that i'm pretty excited that they might we'll find out today if i get brand next week brand next week i'm supposed to do governors in july but they said it's like a quarter capacity this thursday this thursday coming what i'll be in fucking brand that'd be amazing i'd be cool to get up again fucking listen thursday i feel bad because the only thing i really miss what's that is getting up at the socialization is tough go fuck yourself i need some time but like they're not getting out it's a real problem two years ago you wanted me to put you on an island he didn't want to call nobody back you

want to get off the internet now you want to be johnny social go fuck yourself all right now you want to be fucking it's been three months now you want to be fucking back to society now you want to be the chick i have friends out there love boat what's it what's it julie mccoy the chick on the love boat that used to greet everybody she always had an idea go fuck yourself captain stewing yeah no captain stewing ran the joint but julie mccoy was a chick who when she came on she always had ideas two years ago remember when charo was on with the fucking crazy hat she was on like seven times two years ago you're done with social media now you want to meet people get the fuck out of it they got covered i met people at hospital anybody who's got covid you gotta shave an eyebrow i'm

telling you so i know i'm i'm not doing business with you this is gonna turn into mad max pretty soon they gotta shake and dorosa both had it yeah they gotta shoot a little fucking thing here michael yo had it a couple people had it my heart goes out to them this has been a fucking horrible time for a lot of good fucking people and i'm happy i loved it we could uh fucking bring some joy their lives on a monday morning cocksucker yeah a lot of those people who died from covid were um were the opposite party from whatever you're listening to this party so it was okay listen god forbid i don't ever applaud death but what people will what they forget to tell you is and this isn't you know what man you ever see some i saw my uncle the other day he's 82

arie he looks like a million bucks but that's because he walks five miles a day and that's because he he hits a boxing bag 30 minutes every day that's great and he still flocks and sucks he fucks a 40 year old every thursday and you know what you there's a way to be an old man your father just went to fucking kill him in gyro whatever that's right and walked it you know there's what we're talking about how great old people are how great old people i forgot what the fuck i was gonna say i thought we just gotta give them some cash so they can fucking order free delivery groceries or something but i don't know people die from covid what i'm trying to say to you is but what about the people that were born during covid they never mentioned that in the stands a

lot of these people that died during covid were halfway there already that's a sad thing they were halfway there already covid took what little system they had and destroyed it you know it really what was the average age 81 i don't know i don't have the facts i'm not a scientific guy i just know a lot of unnecessary death game whether it's true false whatever it doesn't matter we're going to come back and we're coming back and that's all we know they have a number they have a number of how much each life is worth so like if they raise the speed limit five miles an hour they're like that'll probably mean like seven extra deaths a year and so they go okay let's weigh that against how much better it is for the economy to get people to work five

minutes faster and that number they've always come up with is like is this safety measure worth it's 10 million dollars per human life that's about the number they decide is this much lost the economy 10 million that's one life that's break even if it's 10 million one dollar we can we can lose one person um and i think they're not even looking now if it's like more or less than that but that's how much of human life comes down to at some point you got to get on we need that cash that's the way of the world that's a fucking cold reality of the world and people like look it sucks it sucks they always want to say that but it's like we're putting you out to pasture because we got to get back that's all right they already had that system 10 million dollars

you know what i already had a good time i did some time i made a few movies i got to do some spots at the store yeah i got my that's what i said the other day it's it makes you happy just like hey this life has been pretty fucking good you know what man it's been good to me so far from here on in from here on in like i was telling my friend that i can't even believe i'm still fucking alive i still can't believe it but guess what if Keith Richards is alive ozzy osbourne still alive and kicking and i'm gonna keep doing what i'm doing being the very very good to me yep i'm gonna keep i got my bicycle my mountain bike what yeah you're gonna come skiing with me next next winter no i'm there's no skiing in my shape yours oh snowboarding sorry i know how rad you are i know how you

shrednar there's no snowboard neither at my age those days well just some jumps you just fucking lost your hand you're like a half a gimp you can't put your hands on every other year i didn't break anything last year i went skiing five days did you not a single break a couple falls you're a fucking lunatic i love you cocksucker we got no dates we got no dates but i got dates this weekend hopefully so we'll know can i say something one thing that i did start a youtube channel youtube.com or skeptic tank joey ds is on there i'm doing live actual video podcast now just like you're seeing this so go go check it out and and yoga and and fucking other podcast too okay say hello to your family for me hey they always ask about you they were asking about your

daughter the other day like how old is she is she like she's got the thing your father sent me on her wall what the thank you your room you rubbed during Passover for good luck the mazuza the mazuza she that's right so the jews it's right it's in her room she loves her i forgot he sent you that and then she read all about it she did a whole you know the prayer that's in there she here or israel i am the lord i am a whole earbeat about it she loved it and i'll continue with cbd line i'll try to get him on for you oh yeah dude that fucking topical cbd is like a legit real helper for my muscles unbelievable i'm kind of you spread right into the muscle that's what i swear by i'll do i love that dog i've been telling these motherfuckers that that the cbd line cream

has changed my fucking life because you know if you go on a long walk you know sometimes like towards the end it's gonna start getting sore so halfway through just spread some in where you know it's gonna get sore and then when you get back to some more it's it's great and it's legal bro i don't i don't leave the house with everything my knees i rubbed them on my thighs my fucking crazy show the camera how better my legs my legs used to always be dry and shit no matter how much your legs culture maybe some of these cream oh i do those those are those the fucking whatever paul sit down before you break an ankle yogi i love you yogi yogi yogi ari staying touch cocks second thank you for coming on today yeah of course

we're back bitches i hope you enjoyed that little ta ta ta with ari like i said he's a good man he's made mistakes who hasn't he haven't made no mistakes you know i'm saying go fuck you son let's spark up another fucking joint out of respect for you motherfuckers for listening today on a wednesday for paying attention when my daughter eats she's a little girl so when she eats she goes she makes noises and shit i don't make noises when i smoke reefer this is my world legal she makes noises like you're drinking a strawberry milkshake or something this is it this is my world this is all you need right here this has been my world since i was fucking 12 this is what keeps me saying this is what

keeps me fucking active this is my savior beside buddha beside fucking a la beside god this is my number two savior and super bad the cat i missed that cock sucker to all my life anyway i hope you enjoyed the ari interview i've had you long enough to that you know i love you motherfuckers with all my heart and stuff uh keep your doors closed be vigilant you know you know the fucking church rules cock sucker keep your eyes open keep your mouth shut your ears wide open and that's all you need to know and the heart is what it's all about if you're angry if you're mad check your heart write it out and work on it you know i don't know how it worked for me but it did i don't question my cocaine anymore i don't question anything it's a higher power and uh you got to tap into it all

right i'm happy you enjoyed the podcast today and monday's podcast and that's it and that's that before we leave though again we got to go with my brother cbd lion i talked to andy the other day when he told me about the fucking tape i can't wait you know you ever go to chiropractor's office and they put that tape on your back just to keep your back straight that's it you can do that at home now they got that 10 inch oh my god cbd lion got you covered everywhere whether it's the bath balls the vapor pens the gummies the fucking tinctures which are fucking tremendous the tinctures are you put on your tongue and let the fucking it's a shooting a load in a girl's mouth you ever shoot loading them out their eyeballs kind of spin that's what happens when you put cbd lion

under your tongue you sleep better your inflammation i mean you know this is what i'm talking about guys go to cbd lion dot com right now check out their fucking web page look look at the third party lab results you think i'm fucking with you here try those gummy bears if you don't like those fucking raspberry gummy bears gummies they're little squares i think they're 500 milligrams you have to double check i got a lot of numbers in my head you know what i'm saying but check them out you're gonna fucking love cbd lion whether you're a fucking walking you you need a little something because your older knee pain whatever the fuck your ailment is go to cbd lion dot com and i'll tell you what to get to match that fucking ailment whether it's depression uh anxiety uh insomnia who

does that who fucking takes care of you like that cbd lion dot com and don't forget it's time listen we're fucking in quarantine now six o'clock you gotta have the best dick you've ever had right now you're serving up the best day you're like your dick is root chris you're the root chris a dick right now because there's nothing to do how many times you're gonna watch hose rock how many times you're gonna watch joe the lion how many times can you watch fucking wheel of fortune and fucking all these other shitty fucking shows on tv there's times you gotta look at mom and say you know what the kids asleep let me give you a stab but now i got your cover because sometimes it's late at night your dick ain't working you're a little older you know listen i was 20 up to the time 30 35

my dick was always on fucking blast double blast even after you come you know how your fucking dick dies for a little while i would come and be right back that's when i had to just get that first horse out of there once i get that first shot out of there it's all over for that pussy i'm coming like a savage not anymore i'm a 57 year old man i didn't got dick like that that's why the church is talking to you about bluetooth you're like what the fuck are you talking about joey i'm talking about bluetooth it's a chewable dick pill which means it works fast bluetooth has the same FDA approved active ingredients as viagra and psialis this ain't no fucking package that you get the fucking liquor store bluetooth it prescribed online by a licensed physician and you don't have

to go to the fucking doctor's office and went online with eight other fucking idiots with maskon this is done right from the right from your fucking office there right from your house and it ships right to your door in a discrete package it's like i have like a dick on the envelope so the mailman knows you got fucking dead dick nothing like that it ships right to the door nobody knows nothing and says blue shoe ships direct they're cheaper than the fucking pharmacy and best of all there's no awkwardness but joey what's so good about a chewable dick pill you know what's so good about it you could take it anytime just like that boom anytime day and night even on the full stomach and since they're chewable they work up to twice as fast as a fucking pill

turn your fucking little dead dick of a fucking disgust into a hot rod of fucking death you got to treat a pussy this is the fucking indianapolis 500 now that's it there ain't no fucking around i'm going out heavy and even if you still got good dick why not fucking add extra fucking incentive go to bluetooth.com right now and get your first shipment for free when you're pressing code church you understand what i'm trying to say to you free what do you got the fuck free and this is all prescribed by a physician it's done in fucking two minutes two fucking minutes you answer a couple questions the guy pops up tell him and he fucking sends it to you that's how fast this is you don't need to leave your fucking house okay so right now go to bluetooth.com and get your first

shipment free and pressing code church just pay the five hours for shipping all right again that's blue like the color of her beautiful blue eyes and it's chew like when you chew a bubble gum bluetooth.com okay slash church pressing code church and that's it all right i want to thank bluetooth.com and i want to thank cbdline.com and i want to thank the fucking deli oh uncle paulis and beveley hills and beveley hills and downtown hopefully they're fine and safe i love you motherfuckers i don't want to take any more of your time i know you got other podcasts you want to listen to uh so far we're on for the 11th to the 13th in Irvine don't tell nobody and braya braya improv and braya the 11th to the 13th that's the word on the

street i don't know nothing the schedule still has me on for this friday and saturday ain't nobody gonna sit in the fucking room this friday and saturday and watch comedy with these fucking savages out there you might get looted yourself so i love you guys with all my heart stay safe stay black stay strong get it together don't let nobody fuck with you and that's it i'll see you motherfuckers right and early monday morning tip top magoo i'll be sending you a fucking video out this friday so keep your eyes open for it just to check up on you motherfuckers because i love you all right kick this fuck immediately you