Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #795 - Rodrigo Torres

Episode Date: June 15, 2020

Rodrigo Torres, comedian, co-host of the "What's Up Fool?" podcast and host of the "Yeah Man" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.   This podcast is brought to you by:   MeUndies - Go to Meundies.com/JOEY and get 15% off of your first purchase and FREE shipping.    CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.  

You know what, you got riots, you got fucking COVID, you got Black Lives Matter, and you haven't heard a word from the fucking Scientologists, have you? And if not a fucking peep, those cock suckers, and all those parades around Hollywood Boulevard, they ain't out there giving out IQ tests, are you? Greetings from podcastville.

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delivered right to your house, who's gonna take care of you like that on a Monday morning? It's fucking June the 15th, you've been doing, you already did your 90 day sentence, that's it, you're out. You remember all these people, I could never go to jail, you just did 90 days, bitch, same difference, kick this motherfucker muley. Take your time.

Oh shit, they don't fuck fucking today, all right. No more fucking excuse, this is the year of the fucking soldier, we're going in like fucking marines, you understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. Oh shit, Monday morning, the 15th, you're halfway there, cock lickers, the COVID is spreading, check your pants, you never know, what the guest today is my main man,

Rodrigo, I don't even know what his last name is, Sanchez Torres. Torres, yeah man. Rodrigo Torres, he's the co-host of What's Up Pool podcast and a dear, dear friend to me for over fucking 20 years, I mean, one of my most embarrassing nights was him seeing me on fucking meth up in Bakersfield.

A Stockton, that was a Louie Blan gig. Louie Blan, he just called me a couple months ago, he's back, he's doing benefits and shit, good man. What's going on Rodrigo? Nothing right here, just getting out of that 90 day sentence. You imagine, we would have just been getting out of jail today, we would have been looking like George Clooney at auctions 11 and shit, getting out with a tuxedo on

with the half of Vesta, I never seen nobody got out of jail with a suit on, you know what I'm saying? Everybody gets out of jail with that little fucking state-issued fucking shirt they give you from Woolworths and they give you that little bag with your little Tommy two-pasting shit, little tube just to get you over. Hop on the bus and go home. Hop on the bus, Gus, and they give you 100 on the way out.

People can't wait to get that first yard stick. Did you know that, Lee, on the way out, they give you like $114. Yeah, that's all you have. That's it, but who gives a fuck when you're a prisoner and you're just getting out of 100 hours, 100 hours. That's some currency right there. You just blow it, dog, do you get the mom's house

on the way to mom's? You stop at the liquor store and see Louie, you play your Lotto numbers. It's all over, Jack, you're back. I mean, obviously I think this is easier than jail, but how similar is it, like, is it the same mental place? Your mind has been in jail. When your mind's in jail, your mind's been beat up

by the media, your mind's been told not to go out, go out, you could wear the mask, you gotta stay eight feet, you gotta touch this, you could get it, no, oh, guess what now? You don't get it from surfaces no more. Oh, guess what now, you have to be person-to-person transmission. That's where it's at, that mental damage area.

All that mental damage, you know, it's truly weird, I've been talking to people lately for their opening up their businesses and they're telling me that they're losing two or three employees, that the employees told them right out, listen, we'll cancel the unemployment, we're just not ready to walk into that situation. When I heard that, I was like, you know what,

I feel the same way. The first time I walked into the wheat store and there was five people, I lost my bodily fluid. Yeah, it's different. If I went deaf, it takes a little by little and I've been making little steps, going to acupuncture, you know, going to the fucking doctors, I went and did that MRI, I finally went back

to Novathor, I've been taking little steps, everything is written down in case I start turning purple in the middle of the fucking night, you know where the fuck I've been, because now they're gonna do a back check to see where you've been, where you've been fucking to. Yeah, so if I was anybody, I'd keep my life that simple right now.

Keep your life simple, it is not gone. If you believe it or not believe it, it doesn't make a difference to me. Do I believe it fully? I know there's something else involved, but since I have had friends that have had sick, they've tested positive, they've told me the results, some people ended up in the hospital,

some people just had a fever for four days, you know, I don't know what it is, I can't afford to get sick, especially on the road. Like I saw last night, what if you were in Atlanta Saturday night? They burned down that fucking Wendy's? They burned that, I mean, when I called Lee, he was crying. Oh, it's a sad night, it's a sad household.

I called Lee, he was crying, I go, Lee, what's going on? I go, what do you mean, what's going on? Black people jumping outside the Wendy's. I don't know what the Wendy's did to these other people. Yeah, yeah, they give them chicken sandwiches, and everybody was happy fucking Wednesday. Everybody was happy when they were outside giving spicy chicken sandwiches.

Also Saturday night, the place I found fucking fire. And I know if Lee was there, he'd be looting. Lee'd be going in there, getting those last little square burgers, he'd be at home like Johnny Wendy by himself and you said, making Wendy burgers. He was crying when Wendy's was burning. Sad day. But it's fucked up though, because all those people,

I mean, you got riots still lingering around, you got the COVID still lingering around, and everybody that's mentally fucked, you got a couple blowhards out there. I don't give a fuck, I'm open to my business, I'm going back to work. I understand that. For each one of those guys, you got 1,000 people

that are scared. They're scared. There's businesses that have gotten the green light and still have not opened. Yeah, because I noticed a couple weeks ago, they had restaurants in LA open for like sit down, and a lot of them are still just takeout. Just takeout, I'm gonna tell you something.

People who were rushing to open have realized one thing, that not that many people are coming out. Now the real reality's coming in. This is where it's gonna set. Now the real reality's are coming in that, yeah, you open, now what? You thought that everybody's gonna run in with this damn money.

There's a million people in this country who live hand to mouth. There's a lot more people living hand to mouth, a lot more people fucking slinging deck. Oh, hell yeah. You know, we just don't see it, because we're up here in Fairytale fucking Ville. But I know for a fact that there's people,

that go hand to mouth. Even in Fairytale land, they go hand to fucking mouth. So all these people who thought, I gotta get back to work. I'm losing money by the day. Once you open, you ain't gonna make that much money either. If you've noticed every restaurant you go to, you wait a couple minutes for your food.

They don't have three people back there no more. They got one guy. If 20 people decide to eat Chinese on the same day, you're waiting 45 fucking minutes. Somebody just told me they waited an hour and a half for delivery kind of weeks ago. From a Mexican place, it is what it is, man. And it's gonna be a new life.

And look at these stand-ups that are going out right now. I would have hated it to be in Atlanta Saturday night. That would have been crazy. Trying to get out Sunday. We don't know what's gonna happen in any city at any given weekend. Didn't the riots a couple of weeks ago kind of stunt a little bit of the shows that were out there?

Like if Houston, yeah, yeah, yeah. They canceled the show. You don't know what the fuck's gonna happen. I mean, right now is the time where like, you gotta sit back and just look, you know? You know, Gabriel's doing the right thing. There's a lot of guys that just said, listen, we rescheduled once.

They just got a call. They pushed it back. You know, Gabriel made whatever. Go to Forbes. You don't need to go out this year. You don't need to put that stress on yourself. There's a lot of guys who need to go out that you think the same thing.

You know what, I got a wife and a kid. Maybe for six months, I'll eat it and I'll go to fucking Valley Ford and sell cars for six months. Still do comedy locally. Still do all the clubs and everything when it opens up. You know, but you gotta adjust this. That's all this.

This is just a fucking adjustment. You're switching gears right now. Cause I know a lot of people wanna be, gotta be out there for the fans. They're gonna be out there first for the people that go out there first. If not, they're gonna forget about you. They're not gonna forget about you.

So, you know, that's, you know, I'm sure that's a factor. You know what, I'm not going out. Guess what? I'm not, they're not forgetting about me and I'm not forgetting about them. They know. If they know anything about me, they know I'm 57 years old. They know that, you know, I have hypertension.

You can hear it on my voice that I have the beginnings of emphysema. So, whatever you wanna think, you can think. You know, you gotta go away to be missed. You gotta go away to be missed. So, that's it. This should have shown up in your town every year and expecting people to come to your shows and all.

You know, I don't expect nothing from nobody. My concern, to be honest with you, isn't even my safety, to be honest with you. It's a little bit of my safety. I don't wanna bring nothing home and I don't wanna burden my wife by getting sick and getting hit by a brick and fucking some town that I go to because somebody wants a riot that night.

My concern is really the audience. I would hate to get a fucking Facebook from somebody saying, hey man, I went to your show last week at the Impro and three days later, I tested positive for COVID. You know, unless you're a fucking moron now, you're retracing your steps. And you're watching where you're going

and you're being a little bit open-minded. You know, not open-minded, but- It's reasonable. Reasonable. There's 19 people in that circle with mascot. One of them's gotta have the hiv, he had it. One of them's gotta have something. You know what I'm saying?

Why go over there? Hello, how you doing? Hey, where you going? I gotta go pick up the kids. Fuck you. Oh fuck you, you know. And I'm very, some people, yesterday I went to the park with my daughter, sadly.

I saw some people having a party. Do you know? All the mad face masks. And they did a social distancing and you know, there's people who can't, there's people who don't give a fuck. I respect you too. I think if I didn't have a wife and a kid,

I'd be a hypocrite to tell you that I wouldn't wear a dick. Right, you know. I would be out there, I'd be in Vegas right now, getting hit with that fucking protest of breath. Right to the neck, you know what I'm saying? If you're gonna go to a party like that too, Coco, it's like, why don't you just do that party through Zoom? What the fuck?

I'll tell you what, I gotta be honest with you. I don't wanna do nothing through Zoom. It's horrible, huh? I tried Zoom with my friends from high school the other night. Just, just, just for a difference. You know, I was like, how many nights can I go to the office and listen to stupid music? My friends are having a Zoom.

Maybe this'll cheer me up a little bit. It's been 20 years since I seen half these guys. Bro, I just had a full of plug. First of all, my internet doesn't do well between 5.30 and 7. For some reason, every night. Probably the height of everybody using it. My internet just doesn't do well.

It's a little sluggish. After dinner, I have an hour up of my weight-watching points and fucking, it doesn't stick. I gotta shut the phone off. I gotta find the fucking whatever. So that was, it was stuttering. What is that called? Lagging.

Lagging. And then it just got lost. And I was like, you know what? Once it lost, I was like, that's a sign from God to tap out. I didn't really, I was going to one guy, then I was going to one guy, and it was just not for me.

And Zooming is not for me. If you gotta do it, you gotta do it. That's not my best to wrap around it and make it interesting, but it's not for fucking me, man. Some of those, like the podcast, you gotta do it to the distance. That's what we're doing on the What's Up? full podcast right now.

But when motherfuckers go to the length of doing comedy shows on there, that's where it just like, you know, that shit's going to last there forever too. Listen, I wanted to break. I look forward to this break. I didn't know this break was coming, but we needed this break.

But let's fuck COVID, fuck everything. What's going on with you, Gene? Nothing, man. You gotta fucking kid now. It's all different. I mean, we've been in the game a long time together. We go back a long time. You won the first place in the Joey Dears

impersonation contest, you took Joe Rogan down, you know what I'm saying? You gotta fucking do that. Took him down. He still talks about it. He wants, he's ready for it. But he don't have the walk. See, he lost cause he don't have the walk.

Like you said it before, it's a cadence. You came in with the walk and you, he has the motion. Right, right, right. And the voice. The voice. But he don't have the walk. You gotta show up with the pigeon toe.

That's the whole thing. If you don't show up with the pigeon toe to the Uncle Joey, you fucked up already. You gotta show up with the pigeon toe. Yeah. And then, no, not to interrupt you, but a lot of people think that Joey Dears impression is just that rough out the pocket,

but it's not. There's like 17 versions of Coco, you know what I mean? You can be a sweetheart cupcake. And then the next thing, you know, he's hitting you upside the head with the glass. Shit. I love all that shit. You know what I mean?

So it's all that in between. And you know, but you also gotta, you know, you gotta love that East Coast, New Jersey fucking, all that lingo dog. And that's what it's about. If you're into that mafia shit, like your representation of that region of America. So it's like, you know, if you love all that shit,

and like, you know, you, you slick your hair back, all the attitude, all that shit. You gotta throw that all in there. So some people just go for that, you know, fucking slice your throat, Joey. But I mean, I do the whole fucking thing with the tennis shoes, the foot, the hip, the looks, smiles, everything.

Somebody asked me, who do you want to play you in your movie? You better have a pigeon toe. Or you better act good, you know what I'm saying? Because if you don't show up with that fucking right pigeon toe, people have- What's a pigeon toe? The way you watch.

My pigeon foot, the way it goes in. Oh, it goes in, okay. And it affects me. It's something to do with my hip, to be honest with you. It's something to do with my hip. That's why I keep fucking this knee up. I find myself driving with my heel, with my foot pointed right in the clay.

So your legs are kind of a contradiction. My legs, my hip is kind of weird. It just goes to the side. Yeah, not to sound creeper, nothing. I remember going to your apartment and the way you lay down with your cats, you lay down a different way than, some people do the little fucking yoga thing

or just on their stomach and shit. But you're just like, you're like an octopus almost, dog, and you're sitting there with a cat, just like. You know, Corleone. Yeah, dog. Some gay guy from West Hollywood. Your shit's very distinct, you know, your swag. You gotta emulate all that shit.

You're really good at impressions. Like when did that start with you? Dude, it started a long time ago. Dude, it started with the movie La Bamba. I used to do Richie Valens, but through like, you know, fucking, you know, what's the name, fucking, the actor, Lou Diamond Phillips. And my mom didn't like that shit.

She smacked me a couple of times. I don't know why. She's just like, don't. And then, you know, doing impressions of them and doing impressions of family members, but it didn't start breaking until this guy that caught me stealing, they would come like,

basically just like a little Mexican store would come to the neighborhood and it's just like a big old, like not a U-Haul truck, but just those big old paint trucks. Yeah, box truck, yeah. Exactly. But it had a bunch of shelves. It had dry goods, mostly. Candies, fucking warm sod, everything.

I love Mexican food. So, you know, everything was cash and credit. So we'd go up there and then the guy had a distinct voice. He looked a little way. He looked like a cheap ass Elvis, you know? And I would do impressions of him. And then that's when he started laughing.

I guess it was, I don't know what the fuck it was. Like stop fucking around. But then people with distinct voices. There was another guy that lived in the neighborhood right there that he had a, he was kind of gay. Well, he was gay, but nobody said he was gay. And he had a little voice and a little way about him.

And then I would do the voice. People would just start fucking, just dying. And then doing impressions of my uncles and shit. And just people that had a distinct voice. Something that, you know, that you'll notice that everybody would notice about them. And then just copy real quick. And if I liked them too,

because I mean, some people are doing the impression of this fool, fool. It's like, I can't really do it. You kind of like gotta fall in love with it. Same thing with James Gandolfini. That's all that whole East Coast shit right there. It's crazy how I'm looking at you when I met you. It was you and Vinny and you were kids.

And you were still going out every night to see rock bands and shit. Yeah, man. Fucking Vinny. I still remember you guys going to see cake. Yeah, yeah. We took Felipe to the Mayan. Felipe to the Mayan.

To the Mayan, but then Los Angeles. You know, the other day I was taking you coming on and I was in the kitchen doing something and I was thinking about how many fucking nights a week we were out then. Like that was it. Monday nights were always at that place. Sunset room?

Sunset room. And I still remember looking at the clock and then being a quarter or two. And we were still out there talking shit, eating donuts. Like nine of us, there'd be a giant, a joint going across. Laughing and smoking. I did cash. This is more his podcast a couple of weeks ago.

And he asked me a question about what happened. And I go, you know, I got a little jaded with comedy once and I got a bunch of emails about it. Do you hate comedy? No, I didn't hate comedy. I just hated what it became. It was something, it was 10 years ago there was nothing going on for none of us.

And on those nights, how happy were we? Nobody had nothing going on. We had a movie, big deal. That's it. Everybody had one like thing going on. And that was it. And it's all these guys, nobody was getting more money than nobody, everybody was getting $30, $35, a free drink.

Remember the owner would put out a food platter. So he'd bite into the wings, the wings would be fucking raw. But you didn't give a fuck cause you were flat broke. They just saved you eight bucks. You don't have to stop and fucking taco world and eat, just, I think back at those nights and that's what people don't understand.

That that's the fun times of comedy. When I lived in Seattle with Josh Wolf and all those dudes, you know, when four guys back in a car and you go on VaynerGig, like you don't give a fuck. Like what are we doing tonight? Rodrigo's doing a feature over at the improv. Who's the headliner? Such and such.

All we need is one motherfucker to say fuck him. It'll start. And it'll start. And it's like, let's go down there. And we just go down there, like what's, and the headliner will look and go, what's going on? We're doing a guest that will Rodrigo. What?

I was in the forum. You don't need to know nothing. On the back before you get smacked. I mean, when we lived in Seattle, we were doing that shit, it was gangster comedy. There was a gig on Fridays. I never showed up to her and she paid me every week. She made me the house MC and I was like 25 bucks.

We're an AB base. I'm not going down there, but the checks kept coming. And she would call me and say, how's the room going on Fridays? I'm like, great. Ha ha ha ha ha. Stop. No, you didn't hurt.

How long this lasts? Four or five weeks. Until she caught me. She's like, did they say you haven't been showing up? I go, yeah, I do the time and leave. No, he says, yeah, this Pat Wilson was the name. Good lady, she's still around. That shit.

She's gotta be about 90 now. 25 bucks a week, that's a good lady. It was 25, it wasn't, wasn't Pat Wilson. There was two people who booked that room. There was a gay Cuban guy who booked the old improv in Seattle and he, now he was booked. Like the improv was closed, but the people who owned it still booked that Friday and Saturday.

So he would just get a bunch of $50 comics. Just fill it up. And just fill it up and there'd be a hundred people. And then it was right across in the Pike Peak market, right across, right across. You go to the corner, cross the street, and right there was Pike's Peak. And if you cross that corner and cross the street,

it's the strip club. A hundred ugly ones and one fat one, Beja Vu was right there, right there, right there. Like it was like the fucking hottest corner in the world. He had, I forget what his name was, Alejandro or some shit like that. But all those nights is with people. You know how many of us out of the nine of us

that were hanging out, five of us, had to get up and go to work at eight? And you didn't give a fuck. Like that's how much you loved comic. That you had to be at work at eight, but it's like, I'm here with Martin, Felipe, Joey, Edwin. You know, there was like nine of us rolling deep.

You know, I can't imagine, you know, like George Perez, George Perez. This is 2010, 2008, 2009, this is 11 years ago. I mean, I met, when I met you, I was still doing drugs. So you figure, I met you in 2001. Yeah, that's 19 years ago. I was deep in it. That's how I was wearing the fat.

What was the name of that big? Yeah, the Dada. Big daddy. Or big, big daddy, but you had the Dada shoes. You were endorsed by them. They gave you a bunch of clothes. The only reason why I had Dada. Big dog.

Dada was because that's what they sold that fucking Marshalls. I thought you were getting hooked up. No. Oh, okay. Every Friday, when I get like my $45 check from the county store, I go over to Lebray and the Sunset, what's that Marshalls?

And that's what they had. So if you were a three X or above, you got Dada like a motherfucker. You got all black lives matter shirts, you know, for the big, the big diabetes. Those big diabetes brothers, that's what you got left over. Whatever shirts they don't use in the diabetes clinic.

Who are the big diabetes brothers? The brothers from whatever. Those big brothers. Oh, they're like a rap group. The fat boys. The fat boys. So, once I was. The diabetes brothers.

Once I was, that's when the diabetes brothers send their clothes to Marshalls. So I was going out on a fucking Friday night and bust out a new warm-up suit for 30. I was in there switching tags then. I was putting green dots on them. Remember they put a green hanger on the thing? I just switched the suit and rub it up.

They look at me, get it for 10 bucks. Like it was fucking ridiculous when I was doing those days. They weren't ready for me. Next door was a headshot store. Back in the day, there was a little corner of Marshalls. It's long gone. The little Asian guy that had a headshot store.

So I would order the headshots on Tuesday and he'd tell me, come back Friday. And then Friday I'd come back. I'd go get a sweater, a da-da sweater, a diabetic sweater. And then I'd go in to get my headshots for the week. And there was something out. There was a 7-Eleven. It's still there by Marshalls.

And all that shit's still there. They got like a Hawaiian food. I haven't been in that mall in 12 or 13 years. I haven't driven in that mall. There used to be a blockbuster there. Right there on the corner. I got my blockbuster. Yeah, the only thing that's new in there,

they got a Starbucks in there now. Yeah, but that's crazy, Rodrigo, that you and I go back that long and then we were rocking and rolling. And then 2007, when the stock market crashed or eight, that's when we realized that we were rolling. All those rooms shut down. There was so many Mexican rooms.

The Mexicans, I gotta hand it down to the Mexicans, bro. And I thanked them a lot. All of them, from Sebastian Satina to Rudy Moreno, they might not know it, they really made... It was like a double training. I was getting comedy store training and combat training at those Mexican rooms. I even got to give props to Ernie G up

at the fucking Universal on Monday nights. The Rumba Room. The Rumba Room. These are things that you did. You just did. You woke up on Monday, you went, ooh, I gotta spot the Rumba Room. That's number one.

Let's see if the Laugh Factory calls me back. So you'd pop an 835 at the Laugh Factory and then run up to Universal City Park. And then if you were lucky, you got a 12 at the comedy store and you shot back down fucking from Universal. Ernie paid you 40. That's tremendous.

$40, I need five, I'm five hours away from my goal. You know what I'm saying? $10, I can put a nickel in the gas tank and really get the party started. I know you're saying that you miss those times. I get it, but is it sustainable? Like if you were still at 57 surviving our $40 gigs, would you still enjoy it, do you think?

If I wasn't doing blow. Listen, some people's priorities are some people's priorities. I look at it for the pure bottom line. Everything has a square root, correct? Mm-hmm. You're on stage. You're living in Los Angeles

and you're working at your dream. You're not Kevin Hart. Who cares? You're not Dave Chappelle, are you 46? You're not Joe Rogan, you're not Mark Marin, you're not, doesn't matter. You're still in the fucking game and your dream is still alive.

Okay, so let's say this pandemic came along and took the wind out of your sails and you couldn't pay rent for a few months and you go back to Boston or back to Atlanta or back to Philadelphia or back to Mexico. Does that make you less of a comic? No, you're still a comic. You just have to adjust to your surroundings now.

So how am I gonna make it as a local comic? Oh shit, look at that barnacle they do a sports night on Wednesday. Let me go talk to him. You gotta go back to the basics. Boom, you go back to the basics. Yo, what's going, then you have three clubs. So you gotta find one of the three clubs.

Listen, I'm at Atlanta. You and I both know it. You saw me in the longest yard. You saw me, whatever. What if, what if I came in here four nights a week and emceed for you and I promised to just do new material. I'm not here to destroy the feature.

But at least you give your show some, you know, and I could work with the open micers, you know. That, you know, all shit like that. That all the work. You gotta adapt. Go to your radio station. How you doing? My name is Joey Diaz.

I'm not looking for money. I'm looking to come in as an intern. You're Joey Diaz from the movie? Yeah, why do you wanna come in as an intern? Cause I can't go on the road. I got nothing else going on. I moved back to be close to my fucking dead uncle. I love him, blah, blah, blah.

You know, whatever your situation is, you're always gonna be a comic. You move to the Philippines, you're cutting pigeon heads off in the daytime, but at night you're doing comedy in between fucking karaoke people. Well, you figure it out. If you really love doing what you're doing,

you figure it out. Let's say you've come out of here and you've exhausted all your avenues and now you move back to wherever the fuck you're from and you get a day job and it may be something that you want, maybe something that you don't like, but you just paying the bills,

you've cut your rent down low, you're back home, you know, wherever the fuck you're from, the rents are low, somewhere in Ohio or Milwaukee, I don't know where you're from, you know. Comedy is great at that level because you're gonna get top dollar at night. So you're gonna make a couple hundred a week extra and get your day job.

It never ends. You never stop being a comic. You don't quit comedy because you didn't get a TV show. That means you didn't love it. You didn't love it from day one. You gotta love this. You gotta love that part of it. Yes, I love getting a nice check

and going on the road for a weekend, but I'm telling you Rodrigo, if I knew what I knew now, I'd keep it to that level, get a tremendous day job where I made great money. I didn't have to go into 11 and I could do all that shit. Yeah, there's motherfuckers that are doing that shit now. They do it now.

When I lived in Denver, there was a dude who was an attorney. One of the funniest fucking black dudes you ever saw in your life. You couldn't get this guy on the road. People begged this guy to go on the road. His day job paid so much and his wife loved him so much and his kids, he couldn't go on the road.

Well, he would be busted. He would come out and throw 20 minutes of heat, give him a breather, and then he'd go. You white motherfuckers liking perforations. And it'd be in Denver and they'd go, yeah. And he'd go, all right, give me a minute, let me prepare. And he'd turn around and you'd see him do something. And he'd turn back around his Vito Corleone.

Black dude, same haircut like Vito and the Godfather. And he'd come on and go, this is my impersonation of the Godfather. You ready? And he'd come on and go. The dentist fucked up my teeth. And he would hold his face, just like Vito. He goes, this is my, I mean, he would just torment him.

I still remember his jokes. He was like, I used to watch him go, this guy's great. And I asked people, what's the problem with this guy? I mean, he would wear an $800 suit on stage. Like Armani suits and custom made suits. They all these and shit, decked out shoes. And I go, why don't you go on the road? Take me on the road with you.

I want to learn from you. He's like, fuck that. I'm not sleeping at no fucking hotel bed. You know, you learn from those guys. You team up with those guys. So I don't think just because there's guys in little small pockets. I've said this a million times in this podcast.

They're the 20th times funnier than I am. They just never wanted to come to LA. Somewhere along the line. I've seen it, man. It's got crossed. I've seen it. You've seen it. I've seen it.

I don't know if you know who this guy is. It's Frank Del Pizzo, an older man. He's been around forever. And then he was working the club that we went to go. It's that Captain Brian's the other club you had before he had off the hook. And he's like, yeah, guys, whatever, guys. And I get to giving him a Gadolfini impression

because he's Italian and shit. He's all loving it. And then he's all at the, and then Felipe's all hits him up. He's all, you want to do a spot? He's all, I'll host the motherfucker. And we're just like, yeah. You know, you don't think, you know what I mean?

He's like, it looks like a dad kind of, you know what I mean? The golf and shit. That motherfucker went up there and hosted, dude. And he destroyed the fucking room. He destroyed the room. He destroyed the fucking room. If I quit tomorrow and move into a little suburb

and just went to a little B room on Fridays and Saturday with no can the world, no industry. I've already gone through the mill. I will light up features. I will have feature acts quitting. I will have, they'll be the strongest surge of feature acts you've ever seen in your life. Because after four days of following me at that level,

you definitely improve as a feature. Five day, five shows, three, five shows. Yeah, you gotta adjust. With no cares in the world, 10 minutes. Ooh, loose. I'm already, I'm already hosted for Mitzi, sure. So you're not going to do nothing to me. That small town in Indiana,

I'm not going to do nothing to me until I move to. But Duke of Kentucky, what are they going to do to me? Shoot me. I'm going to go up there and just lay it out for 10 minutes. That feature is going to be knocking on his boots. Because I know I would at that level, four years. Ooh, you're still knocking on your boots. You still get thrown out if they go, coming to the stage.

At least what? This motherfucker just cracked. I need you a minute, but shoot. When he told me the story, I already knew. I'm a comic. I know how to crack a comic. Right before they go on stage. That's the easiest thing to do.

But you can't be doing that shit to me because then people start doing it to you. It comes around, goes around. So you got to be careful when you crack a comedian before he goes on stage. See, in Seattle, we went out to crack comedians. That's not a good business. Because sometimes you end up cracking them so hard

you crack yourself. What? You piss on that leg so bad, you end up pissing on yourself. You've said so many disgusting things to that person that it goes into your psyche now and now you ruin your set. So you put the malook on your set.

So this poor kid's in the back dying because he's bombed and he can't figure out why he bombed. He doesn't know that you put the malook on him. Did you see the riots last night? Did you know, did you see how they killed that black man? They knelt on his neck and you get them all fired up. And they go up on, you know, I got a black comic now.

I'm at a show, listen, I'm at a show right now. CBS is there. They're deciding on six guys for a TV show. The guy in front of, let's say it's this week right now, the guy in front of me is African American. He's done. I don't give a fuck if he's Dave Chappelle. I'll crack him.

10 minutes before I just get next to him and start hitting him with the race riots, you know, Frederick Douglass. I'll start dropping fucking Martin Luther King. I shot with BB guns. I'll tell him, you know, I turn as a motherfucker, you know, I'll just say shit to him that will make him think

and throw him off his game. Now is that a nice thing to do to people? No, it's not. That's the thing you're using comedy competitions. You go to comedy competitions. It's the same as baseball. It's the same as basketball. We all watched the last dance.

Yeah, when Jordan was coming to town, they adjusted for Jordan. So let's say it's me, you, Lee, Eric Rocha, Steve Simone, Di Agostino, who won the contest in Felipe. Me, you and Lee get together in Di Agostino. Well, listen, I don't know what's gonna happen here, but we're not letting Felipe win.

We're gonna do everything in our world. We're gonna light his dressing room on fire. It's gonna be one disaster. I don't know if they ordered a sandwich, you wanna put a rock in the sandwich. So when he bites into his two chips, we're gonna push him right over the fucking top. We're gonna put fucking itchy powder in his shoes.

We're gonna do everything he can. The hotel he's at is getting three fucking bomb alerts in the middle of the night. We gotta leave the hotel and come back in. Fuck up his sleep. Yeah, that's what you do. We're gonna refuse him from doing well. And then we got it upon ourselves.

Now, who the fuck do you think I learned that from? That move, I did that move as a comic, but then it got reinstated into my head when I met James Colburn. When I did Arliss and I met James Colburn, that's my idol. You know, that's one of my big idols. If you go to Cuba and you mentioned James Colburn,

they're like, what, Steve McQueen, all that shit. You know, I did two days on a set with James Colburn. The second day I asked him about Bruce Lee, I kept a very light. I didn't say nothing until he started talking to me in between takes. And then we were just talking. And then I told him I had weed and it was a different story.

Me and him, Alan Stevens, a bunch of us went out and smoked the joint. Here I am smoking a joint with James Colburn with arthritic hands like Edwin. He had arthritic hands. And he said that to me. He goes, one of the best movies I ever made was The Magnificent Seven

because we tortured you, Brenna. They couldn't stand you, Brenna, because he had just played that part. You know, the famous you, Brenna part, he played. I told the story a thousand times on here. He played a big part. Lawrence or Arabian. Okay, I don't know if you've told me you were a part.

I think it's Lawrence or Arabian. So they were telling me how they were torturing her. Was he hating on him? Hating on him because they refused. Charles Bronson and Steve McQueen were like, listen, ain't no fucking Arab. We're gonna come in here and fuck up our movie. That's not happening.

And this is 1966. Yeah, man. They're like, it's just not happening. It's just not fucking happening. No, no, no, no, watch. So this year was American to the core back then. It was so funny because I was just thinking about this because they said the Formosa is open again.

It was on Twitter the other day, Friday, and the stories he was telling me were about were from the Formosa. They'd be shooting a movie and they would put them up around the water brother's lot. Close to the Formosa. Walking distance. So they would all go to the Formosa.

And he's like, tell them. Like it was me, Charles Bronson, George C. Scott, Gene Hackman, he was in town. So he's there and we all decided that fuck it, take him out of the movie. Every night they would call you and Brenna's hotel room, fuck you and hang up on him and shit and knock on his door and fucking,

been a pull the fire alarm. Just all the shit they did to knock your Brenna off his game. But if you're doing that, then you're too busy because you're tired. Yeah, man. You're thinking too. You know what I'm saying? It's taking energy to do that shit.

It's taking energy to do that shit. And the more evil that shit is, the more energy it takes. It's power, bro. So that's a different side to comedy, man. It's good to see you, Rodrigo. Oh, likewise. You too, Lee.

This fucking Corona really fucked up, just seeing your friends. Yeah, listen, bro. Yeah, it's a weird. I got a fucking child. I love when people call me, they wanna hang out. I'm gonna time to hang out. I see at the store, give me a hug.

We'll talk in the back real quick because people gonna come up to us and interrupt us so we can't get into nothing deep like we're in a green room. Yeah. And you don't really get to see people. And I thought I wasn't seeing people before but the store, now you see nobody. Like it has been a really fucking tough 90 days.

So I'm happy you guys from the church have really kept it together. I hope you all have. I've read some posts. I've lent out my support on the Facebook pages. We've all gone through rough times during this shit, man. This has been prison without prison. Yeah, and what's key is what you said earlier.

You have to adapt, whatever it is you do. Comedian or otherwise, if you had another hustle, I mean, shit. Because I was like, I didn't need to make any more money. I mean, my wife works, but I mean, you feel like a fucking loser too. You can't be just sitting there and scratching your balls and holding the baby all day.

So, and I used to do pest control, but I had all my shit, you know? So I just fucking put out on the podcast. You guys need your fucking pad sprayed. And a lot of people were calling me too. Pinch your bugs are out. Why, who, I guess we had a crazy rain season. So, you know, spiders and roaches and ants.

So I just went to work, you know, couple jobs a day, boom, boom. And, you know, you just adjust. And that's just, you know, for the time being, whatever the fuck happens, I know we're scheduled to go to Houston July 17th through the 19th, the improv. But, you know, you just got to,

you got to adapt to the fucking whatever it is, whether it's a fucking pandemic or not. A lot of people, you know, you know, they get caught up in like Instagram and what the, what they're supposed to be doing. It's just like, you know, you got to go back to the basics and, you know, do you, you know? I learned that the news was destroying me.

I learned that media coverage was destroying me. So I tried to keep the internet down as much as I could. Thank God I got this thing. I got to have this outline by July 14th, guys. Thank God it's kept me straight. It's paying for the dip into your past, especially during a fucking pandemic because you go a little deeper

because you got more time to think about it. You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah. You go a little deeper. So the past has been haunting me throughout this. Like I've said, animals and- It opened up into some paths or- Yeah, it did.

Some wrongdoings I had done in the past. And it's so weird that I made up good with some people and some people was just, they would never understand the apology. You know, like there's people that I've tried to make amends with. Yeah, and those people exist as well. You know, somebody giving forgiveness

and then, you know, somebody not wanting to take it, you know? And there's some, you know, no matter what, you can't crack them in the fucking- There's people that I cannot, I don't expect them to forgive me. I wouldn't forgive them, me. And it was something simple. Like it was just something simple.

Like I was thinking about all the people that, from that era, there's a handful of people that I truly miss that we just don't talk. And you know why we don't talk? It's been 20 years, like this one couple that I love dearly. I dealt with both of them on a business level. I was friends with her and I was friends with him since we were kids.

And we haven't said a word to each other since 1995. Jesus. And you want me to tell you what it was all about? A hundred bucks and a misunderstanding. A hundred bucks. This is two people who grew up together who made more than a hundred bucks together. We were in business together a couple fucking things.

But that's all it took. It wasn't about the hundred bucks. It was about misunderstanding of payment. And both of us know and talk to each other. And a couple years ago, I gotta be honest with you, she reached out, maybe Facebook seven years ago. And I was still a little sour. I hadn't had mercy yet.

I was still a little sour. And now I went looking for her and I can't find the page. So she's probably off there. It's just really weird what this pandemic has done. But who gives a fuck? Where's the Scientologist? You know what I'm saying? Where's the Scientologist?

They haven't said a fucking word. They're in their bunker. As long as, bro, Tom Cruise is alive and that's all they give a fuck about. Not a peep from the Scientologist. Who's ever run in Scientology, same on you. Like I said last week, ISIS. Where's ISIS been?

Perfect time for them to show up to one of these protests and pull a pin. Go ba-ba-ba-ba, throw some hummus in the air. I'm hearing the idea. Not one ISIS dude is out there. Amazing. How they just disappear because of the coronavirus. Even ISIS is scared.

They're serious, yeah. I didn't really think they're gonna close all the shit down and then it started happening. I was like, God damn. Oh, you had to close it down. You had to close it down. And if you've been to New York or you live in New York when you're in that area, sit and think about

what you see every day when you go into New York and sit and see why that place became ground zero. It's people on top of people, and it's a subway city. It's a bus city. They encourage you not to have a car for years. That's the reason you moved to New York, not to have a fucking car. Now you're out there amongst these fucking germs.

So I'm good, bro. Now all that stuff is out of me. I'm looking forward to what's coming ahead. We've already dug back into the past. Now let's see what's gonna come ahead of us. I wanna see what happens the next few months. I got my eye on it. Very fucking.

I'm watching these businesses, like I said before, that have opened expecting the gold rush in 1920. And guess what? Ain't nobody coming in. Ain't nobody coming in. So, you know, I'm expecting to hear every week you're gonna hear something else every week. And my heart goes out to them.

You could just hold on as much as you can. You could just try. I don't own a fucking business. I don't have a storefront. I don't pay storefront insurance. I don't know what it's like to run a fucking restaurant. I don't know what the health codes are, the health hazards, food costs,

how long it takes to fucking deliver the food, how long you can hold it in your freezer for. You know, what if people opened up that last week and they had it board up again? This has been a nightmare. So expect to see life change as you fucking knew it. The only thing that stays the same is Uncle Joey slinging dick, smoking reefer,

and telling stories on a Monday morning. Whatever the fuck you wanna do, you gotta do. That's it. It's Monday morning. It's a whole new fucking week. You got a second chance to start again. And that's how I look at it. You know, I got to lift weights today.

My gym is open. So I get my chicken again. It's just me and her. Then she's gotta take out a half hour break, steam clean the gym. Then somebody else comes in. So her clientele got cut in half. So all this is, is a pay cut.

Yeah, it's an adjustment. It's an adjustment. And for right now, you adjust. You do the best you can. You know, peanut butter and jelly never kill nobody. Right or wrong? Nobody's ever died from peanut butter and jelly. Nobody dies from oatmeal.

Unless you're allergic. Right? Nobody dies from oatmeal. Nobody's ever come on TV with a twisted face, the machine. I ate through my oatmeal. This is what happens when you eat through my oatmeal. Nobody.

Right? Nobody's ever come on TV and said, you know, I got heart disease from eating peanut butter and jelly on white. No, you know, no, you know. You got allergies in my butt. You buy that bag of chicken breasts, those fucking kick chickens.

You can see the dent in their chest and shit. They got kicked like by a fucking Mexican soccer star. They just set them loose. They give them two hits. They give them two hits of meth and a fucking can of fucking true blue. What's that shit? Red bull?

Red bull and they go, go. And they let this soccer guy go crazy, kicking chickens or whatever, Tyson. Buy a bag of those fucking chicken breasts, the boneless ones. They all got a little dent in them. You're like, what the fuck happened to this poor guy? He got a little dent in his chest there.

He got kicked with a steel toe. Fuck up, what are you gonna do? We all suffer, man. This is it. This is part of it. You know, you sit there and it's fucking three in the afternoon and you've done everything you were supposed to do and then so you even dropped off clothes

at the fucking poor people's house and then I'd even open up out of my cushion. And as you're pulling around, you see fucking the line at in and out, empty. If you wanna eat in and out, stupid, now is the time to do it. Just don't go at 12, six or two in the morning. Go to internet 11, 15.

You think they got AIDS? You've ruined Chinese food for me because before this, I didn't wanna believe that they were doing cat instead of chicken, but now with the money being low, I'm like, if they were ever gonna do it, this would be the time to have fucking meat. Chinese food, yeah, there was a caddy in the fried rice.

I put it over to the side. It was hidden under the broccoli. I put it to the side, you just expect it. You just see like this, over there, they got good rats. See, studio city got good rats. They clean, they got headcuts. They eat over at Whole Foods. They're like vegan, they eat hummus.

You eat a rat in studio city, it ain't that bad. They got gelsons in Whole Foods over here. They're not that bad. It's not even the ropes. They give them lettuce and shit. It's like they're eating shoes or taking pizza pies off the train. Like in New York, you ever see that rat

that took the pizza, the slice of pizza up the train? That dude's unhealthy. But these rats, I got here, these motherfuckers get vitamin D. They're in good shape, right? They don't die easy, these fucking rats. Oh, hell no, man. I remember one day I got a call

that Rodrigo fell on his back off a ladder. That should happen in the Hollywood Hills, dawg. And I'm like, Rodrigo, what happened? Nothing. He shook it off, shook it off. That's where that joke came from? Yes. That's so funny.

That's where that joke came from. Shook it off, went back to work, fell off a fucking ladder. Most white people would have sued, whatever. That's amazing, out of Mexican back. You never seen it in Mexico with a neck brace. You fell off a ladder in Beverly Hills and then... Man, it was over off of Mulholland. And then I was back there, I didn't use my ladder.

I used the people that rent in the house was just like an old ass ladder. But I was like, dude, I just put it up against the porch, climb on the porch, get on the roof, right? So I started climbing up the ladder. And then she had like, I guess her boyfriend or the guy that was staying with her was like a war vet from like,

I guess the first invasion of Afghanistan, 2008 or whatever the fuck it was. And he had his fucking arm, like his forearm muscle blown off. So it looked like a chicken arm, it was trippy. So I noticed that, but you don't say shit. I'm just gonna get up on the roof, see if they got any openings, get the fuck out of here

and give them an estimate. Cause they had to give it to the homeowner. So it was like a Thursday, so it's gonna take some time. They can't make the decision. There wasn't gonna be no check, so fucking, right? Real quick, so I thought. So the war veteran's holding the fucking ladder. I get up on the ladder, dude, I started climbing.

And it's like, dude, the guy's little like of the, I like, I didn't even see how small he was, but he's like five, five. And I'm climbing up the ladder and I get up. I get up on that ladder, I put one leg up on the porch. Like the roof on the porch. How are you? Like 14, 14, 15 feet.

And as soon as I pull up with his leg, this fucking leg, I fucking, the ladder underneath me with this leg goes out. And I see that little dude falling back. I'm still looking back. Like I can't believe this is happening. And then boom, I come down, but so my hands hit the roof like a cat inside and just scratch all the way down on my nails, dog.

And then I grabbed the rain gutter, yanked that motherfucker off with me. And then the little guy's just trying to like, I see him like trying to clutch, like trying to catch me. And I just smashed this motherfucker and then I land, the way I landed, cause I, there was a fucking staircase right there with no rail, just steps, right?

It was a, so I landed on a fucking corner of one of the stairs cause I was trying in midair to like not land on it, but I couldn't get the twist all the way. So I kind of hit the corner of it and that's where the fucking bruise happened, the contact, the confusion. And I smashed that little dude

and I think he was out for like 45 seconds, a minute cause the lady runs out. Oh my God. And then the guy's like, yeah man, oh yeah man, I'm sorry about that. And I'm like, oh, I'm all fucking it. I can't do the, I can't do the rat estimate. I'll come back to do that shit,

but you see, he had spiders, right? So I had to, you know, so I still got like, you know, I had to do a job and I didn't want to go up there and do nothing. I'm with her spraying the pad, I'm like, ugh. Like fucking Frankenstein and shit. And that lady's like looking out the window. What the fuck is this guy doing?

Like, dude, like, are you sure you're gonna be okay? I feel like saying like if you suck my dick, I'll be better, but whatever. But I was like, oh no, I'm gonna be cool. She's all, cause I think, in her head, she's all, this motherfucker's gonna sue us. So she's all like, dude, like the end, he's all, here's the 180 for spraying the house

and here's 200 bucks. If you need anything else, just give me a call, but I think we're gonna be all right. I don't even worry about it. And I wasn't even looking for shit. I was just gonna just do my job. Yeah, dude, and that's what happened. Oh, and the thing that, cause I was talking to Coco,

he's all, he's serious, bro. He's all laid down there. He said, call an ambulance. He's all, listen, like, that's like a development deal check right there. Like, the times are hard for a pimp. But I was like, but you know what I mean? I'm thinking of, if I do that shit, it'll be a fucking,

they'll catch me in the fucking scam and fraud, you know what I mean? Scam and fraud, I'm in the fucking room. But I don't know what the fuck, but it was, you know, it was my fault. You know what I mean? I use that dude's ladder, fucking. I should have known better and fucking.

That would be the last day I ever worked. If I fell off a roof, I'd be on disability for a while. You'd be on disability for fucking two years. You know, Rodrigo, I have a crazy sense of humor. One of the sense of humors that I have is, I love people seeing fall on ladders. I love all that type of shit. You know, is it fair?

Is it funny? Like this, you see this? Oh, you see this black guy put the firecracker in his eye. The fuck is he doing, bro? This to me is one of the funniest things. Like when I saw this, I fucking like COVID in the middle of COVID, I lost everything. Okay, so when somebody tells me they fall,

like I don't want to see people fall. Like when I saw Ralphie, God rest his soul, fall on Gardner. I don't want Ralphie to fall, but I'm also a comedian. I got pain in my heart. I need to laugh from time to time, okay? You know, I was telling people last week, I was comparing when you go out to loot, you know, when you go out and do the things

that we saw on footage last week, the kind of hate that you have to have in your heart. You have to have a certain hate to kick an old man or a dude. It's just something that us three don't understand. Right. But I had that hate at one time. I had that hate because my mother got taken away by God.

I watched a show, a movie the other night and I can't believe it hit me as hard as it did. First of all, in all those years of me doing coke, I never even thought about getting so bad as a contract with myself. Wasn't until I saw the movie Ray. But I go, maybe it's time. The movie Ray put out some, the other night I realized,

it's a good ass movie. Dog went at the end, when his mother, when he goes back and faces his mother and his brother comes out and he goes, it wasn't your fault. And he breaks down and then she goes, you did, you did go out there and you didn't become a cripple,

but you let that fucking poison cripple you. Those are some powerful fucking words, you know. And for me, right there I was like, you know what bro, I'm out here with these fucking savages. I got the longest shot, I've been on mad TV, not that I won an Academy Award or anything. I do have something going on. I do have a good girlfriend.

And the last thing I want is for her to find me dead. And the other last thing I want is for me to face my dad, my mom and my dad with a bloody nose, wherever the fuck they are in heaven. And for them to say, what a fucking disgrace. You fucking OD, you know. One thing about me is listen, you wanna shoot me, you wanna take me in a car accident,

if the good Lord wants to give me a heart attack, I'll accept those, that's all a part of living. I did not wanna die as a junkie. You understand me gentlemen? I did not want that on my fucking last thing, on my fucking death certificate. I don't, we're all gonna die. Herpes, syphilis, bad ass, something, a bullet, a cop.

I don't even know what to tell you. We're all gonna die. But for me, the choice I wanted was not to have this associated with drugs. I couldn't, especially cocaine. So when I saw that, it reinforced me like, wow, this is a movie, okay, this is make-believe. But somebody wrote this, this was the mind of Ray

when he was telling them. So he told somebody this story, that while he was at the, where you go and get clean. The rehab? The detox? The detox. That's the images he was saying.

Yeah, those nights we was all sweaty and shit off. When he was all sweaty, that's what you see. You think back to, what is the square root of this problem? You know, for me, it was my father's death, the death of my mother, the death that surrounded all that, and then losing my daughter the way I did. You know, I failed as a man. So I, you know what I'm saying?

Those were my pains. That's what made me do coke and pick my face until I fucking bled. You know, that's what made me do all these irrational movements. You have to have a bad heart. Once the heart goes good, look, I don't even think about coke. I don't, bro, I don't. You could put an ounce out in front of me.

It wouldn't bother me. For me, I'm not a hypocrite. You could put an arrow on that, it won't bother me. I mean, you put a perk inside, I might eat one. You know what I'm saying? You put a happy pill out, I might eat one. You put a fucking Xanax out, I might eat one. But everything else I have no interest in doing.

Oxycodone, I don't want it to run. You know, like you figure out what things you want to do. I decided that movie let me know that, okay, somebody else is thinking like I am. I don't mind going. But I don't want my wife to go to the bathroom and see my two little fat feet on the fucking carpet. That's not gonna happen.

I don't want Lee to come into this office and find me after a night of snorting all night. That's not gonna happen, you know? So it's just weird how you make all these, after years of being clean, I don't even know what we're talking about. You just decided you didn't want to die like that. You didn't want to die.

Fuck no, man. Fuck no. And I guarantee anybody who listens to this that's on pills or booze or whatever, this is the thought that has to hit you. I'm gonna die, but I don't wanna die from fucking booze. I don't want my last fucking thing to be. Joey Diaz died last night, pronounced drunk driving.

He killed two people in a fucking car and he killed himself because I wanted to have three drinks. That's not the way I wanna go. I don't wanna go with nothing related to that shit. I wanna go from the heart attack, the kidneys, whatever the fuck, the liver infection, my assholes gotta be getting something pretty soon. Thank God I'm going for a physical this month

so I can stick the camera up my ass hole again. Do, you know, I mean, these are things that, what are we talking about? We're talking about something good, I forget. Bruce Reef is a good motherfucker. Little triple X from Urban Trees. Is it the 37% that he posted today? Did you see that?

Jesus Christ, Joey. Did you see that? I ain't fucking around, though. If we're gonna go for it, we're gonna go for it. It's Monday the 15th of June, bitch. That was edible, though. Remember back in the, cause we're gonna eat that story where I turned green?

Were you talking about it? You know, the Spice Company. Guys, I want you to, you know, we, I got this to see the infection, you gotta remember, people had their licenses for maybe four years and I wouldn't get a license because I had a psychology to this whole thing. I don't do coke.

I'm the most boring person in America. I don't drink, I don't go to a bar. The only excitement I have is when I drive with weed in my car. That's like the wildest thing I do. No cop is ever gonna put a gun on you. They see weed on you. You're gonna get a ticket, you might go to jail.

But that was the weirdest thing I did. So how long do you drive to get a bag of weed? 15 minutes? That, you know, when you get your paycheck on Friday, you work Monday through Friday, you get your paycheck on Friday, you're like, oh shit, six o'clock. You go cash, you have to check cash in place,

the liquor store, wherever you do your banking. Your own bank, you know, hey, everybody got a different place. The liquor store. Yeah, some people do banking at a liquor store. You get that check, and what's the first thing you think of? Pussy, all right, how am I gonna get, well, we got pussy, we gotta get some weed.

So then you drive 15 minutes to Poncho's house, you know? All lives matter, you know what I'm saying? Poncho, Pablo, whatever the fuck his name is, we drive over there, you pick up $35 worth of weed, you put it in your trunk, and you drive back, right? That's the scariest thing you're gonna do all day. That's the only legal thing you do. So in my world, who I came from,

why broke the law constantly? You know, I J-walked. When you gotta think about it, you gotta think about how many U-turns do I do with that? How many things do I really do illegally a day? We all do three of them. We all made that U-turn. Yeah, it's illegal.

You follow what I'm saying to you? We all make this U-turn. Little things. We all fucking don't put our blinker on, motherfuckers. I hate you, cock-suckers, what everything I got. You might as well go eat hummus and end our relationship right now. If you don't put your blinkers on,

end your relationship with me right now. End them. That is rude. That is rude. You might as well eat hummus and fucking put on fucking that white singer that irritates the fuck out of me. So I'll never have to talk to you again. Who's that?

I don't know. I don't know what he's fucking named. There's some fucking dude that everybody's white. But all those basic things most people don't do. No, so I started saying, how many fucking rules do I break a day? I'm talking U-turns. I'm talking right on reds.

You know, I don't give a fuck. Pedestrians go fuck yourself, you know what I'm saying? If you're standing there like a mummy, like a statue of Robert E. Lee, before they take you down, I'm making the right turn, dog. If you're gonna stand there like Robert E. Lee, like you just traded slaves,

and you feel happier by yourself, you're just gonna stand on the corner with his little fucking hand, Robert E. Lee. And you believe they're taking out all these statues? They're taking out everybody. Every George Washington, he's going this week. Columbus. They find out he had fucking slave teeth,

they got permission. I mean, they're so mad, black people, they went back 3,000 fucking years to start lynching people. Columbus, I don't know. He might have a problem there, because even Mayor Cuomo was like, wait a second. That's an ancestor.

Something for the Italians. Did they put like blood on it, put red paint on his hands? He got blood on his hands? It's like, what the fuck? Listen, once they fucking changed Columbus' day, I knew we fucked up. Not it, I think they're gonna change Halloween.

To what? To what? Saturday. Oh, okay, okay, okay. I think we're gonna make a candy though, right? Every day we're gonna make a Halloween. No, Lee, yeah, look. Nobody wants your fucking COVID lace fingers

on my kids' candies, or that. No, no, no, I want candy. Fuck your kids' candy. I want my own candy. You're gonna have to give candy out with a mask on, and gloves on, and all that shit's done. This is gonna be a pathetic Halloween. I guarantee they're gonna invent the Zoom,

virtual boo-hoo, or some shit. Virtual boo-hoo? Yeah, like if my kids gotta stay at home and fagotize them, now, to the end. Some guy called me the other day. You kid, my kid wants to hang out with you, cause I said, all right, let's do it Sunday. Last night, 10 o'clock, me and my wife

were watching something, Saturday, and fucking, he texted like at 10 o'clock, tell Joey, I didn't check with my wife. Well, you tell Joey, you just told me Friday, why you calling my wife, you fucking pussy? And he tell Joey that we have to go to a Zoom party on Sunday. What's the, that takes 10 minutes.

I wanna see a Zoom party, like I wanna see fucking raped. You know what I'm saying? I don't wanna see a Zoom party. I don't wanna see a good woman get raped. Not coming to my birthday party, then? You're not gonna come to my Zoom birthday party? Not in a million fucking years, with eight people, 11 people online.

The other day somebody told me, I spent wine on my fucking computer during a Zoom happy hour. You should have been electrocuted. I hope you would have got electrocuted, right there. You gonna be there tipping wine and shit, how old do we? How old do we? They're too much, they're too, bro, we love goofy technology.

The more goofy technology they give a tic-tac. What the fuck is that? Oh, that's stupid, you don't like that either? No, I don't even know what it is. You don't do the dances with your daughter? Fuck no. It's like a two screen, kind of like, better version of Instagram for videos.

But it's just for kids. I don't get it, I always see the dances. But it is, that is the one funny thing about this. And some people are losing their minds about not being able to see their friends and stuff. I'm fine. I'm losing it a little bit, but for the most part, I'm good.

I don't need to Zoom anybody or see anybody. You just gotta go get air once a day. You have to go outside. Yeah? You gotta move, man. Listen, when I was, I sort of just went down, I broke down my prison day. And I saw what I did in the parameters of a fence

within a day, and how you make it work. So, Studio City, where the Xavier Valley lives, was my fence. I just got a big offense. Everything was closed for how long. So, that's prison. I'm not walking into 7-Eleven. Ever since COVID started,

I was already losing patience to 7-Eleven. That's germ-central right there. The last year and a half, I've been losing patience to 7-Eleven. Every time you go in there, I gotta give a dollar to some homeless dude. Yeah, the worst homeless people available to mankind. They're always in a wheelchair.

They always got shit on them and shit. Just walking in there is COVID. What about the nights some fucking lady attacked me and Lee because we pulled up. And I didn't turn my headlights off. And she started yelling at me and Lee so I put the high beams on her. And then he made me try to go give her a dollar

and she wouldn't even, she was homeless as fuck. And she wouldn't take it, she was just staring at me. I'm angry. Cause he was a, oh my God. You know, this was a person, this was a prison. So I broke it down to the same fucking thing. I'm on a parameter. What can I do?

Before I fucking went to prison, I rode a bike, I played a lot of basketball, but guess what happened when I went to prison? You gotta become a runner. You know how when COVID started and the next day everybody was rocky? Remember two days after COVID? Nobody was jogging before.

By Wednesday, everybody was rocky. Headband is shit. You got it in your car, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. A bunch of kids chasing a white dude. I mean, it was just, I never seen so many people become rocky in their fucking life. When you go to prison, you become rocky.

Okay, you either could become rocky for an hour or you could sit in yourself for an hour. So you become rocky for an hour. What's the other option you have in prison? Religion. Everybody goes, everybody just, this guy just lit his kids on fire. He walks into prison and he finds Jesus.

Really? That easy. You've been walking around for 10 years, going to parties and Jesus was never there. And now you go to depths of depths and Jesus is automatically there. And these motherfuckers walk around with the Bible. They start quoting shit.

The Bible? Oh, they get the Bible and they start quoting shit. And then some of the other types, come here, yeah, he lit his kids on fire. Sold them by the peace. You know, like these are horrible people. And all of a sudden they find Jesus in fucking jail. And you expect my guy like me to believe it.

And sure enough, I would watch all those guys. How convenient. I would watch all those guys on the day they were gonna get checked out. Like all those guys were Bible beaters. You watch them and you watch them hit the gate, they give them the hell out of the check. And once they get that checked,

you see them walking down and like 50 yards away from the gate, you see the Bible go up in the air. Like it's over, it's over. I'm going back to raping bitches. I don't care what the 10th Amendment says. The 10th Commandment. Dowsher, not rape midgets. I'm back.

I'm done. I don't give a Frenchman's fuck. You know, you just, you find, and this is all jokey and shit, but when I got in there, I just found the ways to avoid my room. And then there was ways that it was inevitable. So I would watch TV a certain time.

I would do this a certain time, but my job was to, this time was different. I have a child, so I'm in prison with my kid. So I got to help my kid draw. And I got to hear beatings on a book and, you know, this is it, but it also has made me re-fall in love with everybody in the house. We got really tight to all of this.

It's quality, all time is quality time now. Listen, today she started camp, and I am fucking a lot, you know, I'm excited. I can't wait to go home and see what the report is. Today she starts camp and kickbox. This is a big day today. Let's see what the house brings tonight. It's a little camp, you know,

for two or three weeks until they figure out what the other fucking camps open. And tomorrow night, tonight, we'll see what's going on at four o'clock when I get home, because she has to come home from camp, take a shower, then go to kickbox and then take another shower. So we got to remember COVID, you know what I'm saying?

She's getting breathed out all day with protester breath, allergic theology breath, you know, because these kids like allergic to peanuts, you know they're getting COVID. If you don't eat peanuts, you're gonna fucking die. You're gonna die. So it's just, I'm ready for that shit. You know, it's just a mental thing,

but last seriously, man, I really appreciate you being my friend for a long fucking timing. We go back to the Felipe's rooms with Willie. Yeah man, tortillas. Tortillas, how good was that fucking burrito though? Oh, the green burrito. The green burrito. That's pork.

Oh dude, that shit was off the fucking road. That was part of my contract back then. You had a rider back then? I had a rider back then, Felipe. So it was always a green burrito for a couple. Felipe always took care of me. Yeah, I was 400 pounds. I would eat a huge dinner at the house

and that gig would start at 8.30. Right at nine, nine, nine. At nine, nine. So you get that a quarter to nine. Edwin would be smoking joints outside. We'd go out the back door with the little manager. He'd leave the door open for you. Yeah, awesome.

And we'd smoke the joint by the hospital. Yeah, that's a Beverly hospital. We'd smoke the joints out there. There'd be any of us out there, guys. $40 in the burrito. You guys are at on going, what are you talking about $40 in the burrito? That was as good as it got.

And you saw how many people, Willie, me, you, Jeff Garcia. I mean, there was 10 of us. 10 of us. Some fly. Fly. Head. Head. Head, who started showing up in police, open mice.

Yeah. You didn't see them on Facebook a lot. Yeah, he was a peanut now. Our head, you know, there was just so many fucking pops. You know, Mando. I mean, people were out every night. You saw these people. Alfred.

Alfred, you saw all these fucking people, you know? People. And that's what I was trying to explain to Cassius. I missed that camaraderie. Listen, I wish I made the money Kevin hard at. You know why? Cause I think I just bring my friends and take over a floor.

Like I bring all the six comics that have been on the podcast. And that's what I would do if I, if I was selling the renown, are you fucking kidding me? I bring all my friends. It'd just be a week of goof. Take over the first class, light on fire. We go back to gun. You know, you ever see the fucking documentary

from Motley Crue on Netflix? Yeah. When he's like, they're the craziest motherfuckers of all time. They show, what's his name? Running naked behind the fucking, the security guard is chasing him and then he runs out and they run in and steal his coke and shit.

You know, that's what the road was for. Yeah. The road wasn't to do road like what I was doing now. Going to my room at 11 staying up to one. It's, you know, but you don't have the energy no more. In my mind, if you pay that money to come see me, I want to be the best of you. I can't do a show hungover.

I have two beers. I get fucking hungover. And they go on a fishing trip during the day. Yeah. Come back. Look at, look at, look at, look at, look at summer. I got third degree summer last week, guys. I had sun poisoning sunset Wednesday night. God damn.

You stayed out too long. No, I did what I do all the time. This is why I was going to bring this up today. California, you're not going to believe what's happened in the last 90 days. So whenever you tell me we're going to the beach, like if you call them and you go come to Riverside, I got a beautiful beach for you and your family.

I'll go beautiful. I'm going to make tacos. I'll be done in an hour. First thing I do is I take a shower. When I come out of the shower, I dry my hair, everything. Get ready. But then I put a layer of numbered fucking 10 on me. Like a layer of number of 15.

I don't know what ever my wife has. SPF, whatever the fuck. So it sits underneath. And I air dry. I let it get into my pores. And then as soon as I get to the beach, I do another layer. And then 25 minutes in, when that first bead of sweat

comes out, that means it's time for another layer. Then you go in the ocean and you come out and you do another layer. And then you do another layer every half hour. I did that all day. Guess what happened though in California? Nobody's driving. So the pollution's gone.

So the sun is that much stronger. It's like being in Colorado. When you live in Colorado. There's no extra layer. You go out for 10 minutes, you come back, you look like fucking, you know, John Jones. You're like, what the fuck, what happened to me? I was white when I left the house.

I came back African-American. Because you're in whatever thousand feet elevation. And the sun, you're closer to the sun. It makes sense that you burn. I go to the beach once a week with my wife. I do the same process every week. I've never gotten this sizzled. I got out of that fucking car.

When I got out of that car, I was done. I couldn't even move. I had to take a shower. I had to take one of those washwood showers. Where the water's cold. They used to put the Jews in there. First, one of those washwood showers. Fuck Corral Therapy, Hitler invented Corral Therapy.

They're saying the Japanese did. Doesn't that cold? That's the only way to take a shower. I had to put the water on super cold. I took a shower and about an hour later, dog, I started getting dizzy. I thought I was in a puke. I washed my hands.

I stuck my finger down my throat. Then I started getting chills. And I had to put a hooded sweatshirt on and sit on my couch and just shake. The house was 70 degrees. I was just shaking from being cold because my body thermo, thermo is. The last two days, I haven't been able to-

It felt to be your body temperature. The last three days, I haven't been able to leave the house. I got to leave the house with shirt on and I can't come in direct contact with the sun because the sun goes right through the t-shirts and it burns the sun. You have no fucking idea what I call. Every week during this coronavirus,

I've had a different adventure. I just don't give it that much fucking. For two weeks, I was in a pissing spree. Once the quarters all fear well enough, all that water I lost, about water weight. I was pissing every 10 minutes. I never seen nothing like that in my life. I even call the doctor, I can't stop fucking pissing.

What do I do? I was pissing, I pissed myself. I almost crashed my car to one day because I got out. I didn't put the brake on and the car kept rolling and I had my dick out and all of a sudden the fan slapped on it and it was coming out like a sprout because I got to pull the skin back.

It's been a hell of a coronavirus, gentlemen. I whacked off one night and then when I do, sometimes you whack off in your chair. I whacked off in my chair and I held the tip because I'm in circumcise. I hold the tip for a little while and it'll all fill up. It turns into like a cobra, it looks like a cobra dick

and I must have been high, I fell asleep and I woke up with a ghoul in my pants and shit. You know, it's been an adventure, people. Nobody fucking, nobody had a good time to cook coronavirus. You found out all your weaknesses. If you're a loser, you found out over and I did. I found out I was a straight up fucking loser

over this virus, you know? But I'm happy you made it today, dawg. Hell yeah, and that's that. It's a Monday morning fucking podcast. Just trying to spread some love and keep it fire. I don't wanna argue, I don't wanna yell, nobody. You know, Saturday again, a fucking other UFC last week. So wait a second, I just watched them burn a gas station

or Wendy's in Atlanta. They just burnt it and you want me to watch 19 fights in the UFC and it ain't happening. I didn't watch a minute of those fights fucking Saturday. You know, I watched fights all fucking week. Riots, yelling, screaming, I wanna watch more fights that had a poison in your fucking mind. I don't know what he's thinking.

That's something to watch, I don't know. Oh my God. Everybody's fighting. I could not, I don't wanna watch fights. It's ridiculous. It's like, this is all we're talking about right now. Can you imagine being on a flight to Abu Dhabi right now for that high 20 hour flight or whatever it's gonna be?

Are you fucking crazy? Are they fucking crazy? Even on a private plane, I don't wanna do that. Are you fucking crazy? I gotta go all the way to Abu Dhabi to get into a fist fight. That's what you're trying to fucking tell me at this point in my life.

Like even if you're a UFC fighter right now, a lot of them are fighting, you know. I don't blame them. A lot of them are like, we're not fighting. Because of the money. Yeah, this is just scary. It's just a little bit fucking scary. And if people really know the root of all this,

they would go, wow, we didn't know that. Well, let them find out all the time. They have to fight, you know, they have to keep that name brand alive. ESPN don't lift the rock. So it looks like it's starting to get embarrassing. You know, it's starting to get embarrassing. I don't give a fuck.

I don't pay attention to it. I won some money on the card last week, but even last week, I didn't rent the main card. I didn't want to keep seeing fighting. That's a ball I moved to a bet and then not even by the main card. You're like, fuck it, I already made the money, fuck it. Yeah, you know, I don't want to watch all that fighting.

The preliminary card was enough. There's people fighting all over the fucking country. Right now, I shouldn't be watching fighting. Even football, I don't really want to see. Let's get some baseball going. Baseball's nice. People are nice when they play baseball, right? Every once in a while, you get hit in there with a baseball

and play Japanese, come out from the back. Oh, they're gonna be mad at you. Remember when people were mad at Houston? Remember when that was a thing for cheating? That would've been something like Houston? I don't know. No, it's over. They just want baseball.

You know why they didn't get mad at that and that pissed me off? That's a real smack in the face. To get caught like that? No, that they didn't. Pete Rose is somewhere right now getting therapy. Because they won't let him leave. Because he put a bet on a bunch of games.

And hey, I disagree with the Pete Rose thing. You know what, man? He fucked up. He fucked up. Greatest player. One of the greatest top five players ever to live. Five positions. Five positions.

Always got the party started. Charlie Hussle, man. Always knew how to get the party started. He's not gonna go to the baseball hall of fame. I grew up idolizing that dude. The same way I idolized Bruce Lee. I love Pete Rose. That's how you do whatever you do in life.

You do it like Pete Rose. Was any a coach on a team? And then one day he just said, fuck it, he went inside, played for the team, and helped them win the game? He was like a player coach. Yeah, he was like, fuck it. Well, he was also betting from the fucking dugout.

He was notorious for that. He was like, now, let me ask you a question. Is he the first guy I'd ever do it with or the last guy? Fucking no. Look who we're finding out now. That's worse than gambling on baseball. All those guys involved on that and my world should get kicked out of baseball.

But we didn't give it the media attention that it deserved. Yeah, they give it. Wait a second. This isn't cheating in Las Vegas. This isn't, first of all, cheating is cheating. Okay, let's get that straight. Cheating is cheating, but you cheated on baseball. Like, we gotta turn him out.

Why are we gonna start the season? And these three guys are still arguing, oh, Joey Cora, and I'm not mad at Houston. Everybody was involved. Let me tell you something. There was a lot more teams that were named that were involved. Yeah, I mean, the Red Sox, we lost our manager

because of what happened when he was with Houston. And I'm sure it happened all the time. They just revealed the Yankees. The Yankees, yeah. The Yankees too, yes. But everybody says it's a common practice. The thing is, it's just like they just brought it out the box. You have to assume it.

It just got a little out of control. Yeah, because they were using electronics and the dud with shit. More sophisticated. It was a little bit more sophisticated. Yeah, they were just stupid of bringing a trash can. Which, that's so easy to catch. That's little league shit.

Yeah. Give it two kicks, he's throwing a curve ball. They didn't give that as much air as they did. No. I would have looked into that a little deeper. I would have suspended the players for this year. Do you think, as far as Pete Rose, you think they're going to reinstate him one day?

The way it looks now? Pete Rose is an example. And listen, I'm a human being. I don't know how to react to things all the time. I make mistakes. We all do as human beings. One thing I will tell you is, he reacted kind of weird. I think he's talking shit.

And it's kind of personal. Like it's like me leaving here going Lee, this is your podcast office from now on. Joey's done, you do what you want. Except don't fucking ever have Pete Rose on, please. Hold on to that decision forever. That's what I think the Pete Rose thing is. Like behind closed doors, Pete did a little bit more.

Got blacklisted. And they just said leave him the fuck on the fuck. Antonio Sabato, Jr. is working construction in Florida because of Trump, a couple of Trump tweets or some shit. Really? Like that's how fast your life changes. It has been right now. It is the last three and a half weeks, four weeks.

It has been the worst time to be on social media. Oh yeah. I don't care what you say to me or yourself. It is pathetic what's going on on social media right now. You know, it's pathetic. And even when I try to go on there to lighten things up, I get fucking screamed at. I get screamed at, which is the first time ever

in 10 years of social media. People dissect words. I have never been dissecting them before. So guess what? Stay on social media. First of all, when you go on there and read this shit, you know, it's just a bunch of uneducated people putting up shit and now you're getting even more shit

thrown at you than the fucking television. So why are we watching this shit? This is worse than what you're doing now. Why are you watching this shit? I go online sometimes just to check in, you know, maybe somebody sent me like, on the weekends, very seldom do I go on there. Very seldom.

If Terry goes to bed early on Saturday, I'll go on there and go on messenger and check on my messenger. I have 14, 15 messages. I'll get high and I'll go through them. But as far as stay on them on Saturday and Sunday, especially now more than ever, I avoid it. I think I avoid it after Wednesday

because there's no winning right now. Nobody wants to, everybody wants to fuck. There's always three people that attack you. You have to get attacked once a week. Fat man, your man and your daughter, you know, all that type of shit. It's been higher than ever. The last few weeks.

Everybody wants to fucking yell at somebody right now. And I get it. That's why I understand the riots. That's why I understand the rage. This isn't just, this was a riot thing. You know, this was a race thing. That was fueled with six weeks of being at home. Yeah.

Waiting on an unemployment check, waiting on a sub minimum, whatever, sublingual check, whatever the fuck they call it. Unemployment, all that shit. No, you know, your business's going out of business because you gotta pay unemployment. You know, a lot of people were in pain already. You know, how would you feel if you were the fucking

owner of that shoe store last week, Sunday night, and you're watching your Melrose store get kicked in and people running out with your shoes? Our buddy Dante Chang, his store got this fuck decimated. Yeah, they took everything. Yeah. Dante's one of the quotes you brought on Melrose. My heart goes out to Dante Chang.

What's the name of his store? Flashback. Flashback. So when flashbacks opens up, please support it. Dante Chang is a great fucking kid. I'm very sorry about that. How would you feel? If you're at home, you just hugged your kids.

Empty. You know, you sit down and they're looting on Melrose and you're like, ah, that's a little far from my joint. But they're getting closer and closer. And now you gotta make a choice. Do you get a machine gun, an AR-15, and run down there and stay in front of your business? I would just do that.

What do you do? Korean style. And do get four fucking people with you to stand there with you. Who's really gonna want to stand with you and possibly shoot somebody? That's another thing, are they? You know what I mean?

A lot of factors involved. So, you know, this has been a wild fucking ride for a lot of people, man. But again, it's Monday, you bad motherfucker. Powder those nuts. It's gonna be a fucking good week. California's not gonna be as hot as last week. Last week was brutal here.

But this week, fucking. You're gonna hear birds chirping again. It's gonna be nice and cool in the morning for my little bike rides. I got my little bike. Wait until I bust out a picture. I'm just standing out in Cognito. Would you do a calender with you on the bike?

Bro, somebody busted me the other day. How they saw you? Somebody was at the light and I was at the light. And I had to cross that way and they were like the third car. And I'm sitting there and I forgot to pull my mask up after I drank water. It's like 10 yards where I usually stop

to get water because it's shade. And I see what time it is. And then I finished my last loop and I'm like, nobody's gonna see me on this bike. Right, nobody has seen me. I've gone on to traffic head on, nobody has beeped. Nobody has done nothing. And yeah, damn, I'm on the corner, all creepy and shit.

And I'm about to cross the street and I hear some guy go, Uncle Joey, is that you on a bike? And I'm like, no. And I just kept fucking going. No. I fucking flew in this little alley and I went down the alley.

I could tell he was making a left and I looked for me. Fuck that motherfucker. He was part of Antifa. He wasn't gonna find Uncle Joey. I'm done, dawg. I don't want nobody to see me on that bike. It's embarrassing. Oh my God, my wife took a picture of me on the bike,

not good. People would pay out of that fucking circus. And no, you're a traction of the night. Uncle Joey on a bike. And there I am, my little red helmet, like a fag come out with my little rock mountain bike. Dawg, it's a fucking- Does it have a basket?

No, I haven't crossed the line that much yet. Once you put the basket on, you gotta put condoms in there because you're getting fucked in the ass. Once you put the basket on, you might as well put Vaseline on there. That means you're giving up asshole in different portals.

When you see this out of the city has set up different bike stands, that's what you do now. You just go to different bike stands and get fucked in the ass. They got a basketball league. You should ride one of those bikes. You know what, as soon as you said it,

that's all I could think of. I'm like, what am I waiting for? It's right there on the corner. Right by Jersey bikes. No, right there by, why don't you go to Jersey bikes? One of those people eating those filthy sandwiches. No, I'm saying it was the bikes. You don't want to touch those germs.

You know where this better? Where? You know where nobody has touched a bike. Where? Oh, they do have them right there. Right in front of that liquor store. They haven't moved. I'll just go buy a helmet.

I asked that lady one day, I went to buy a lotto ticket. I wonder if the tires are okay. Yeah, go get the helmet. I want to see what helmet you're gonna wear. Oh, it says 8,000 likes. Yeah, you might as well get a Nazi helmet and make it complete.

Go to Sherman Oaks on Saturday, drive around with your little Nazi helmet. All the acidic Jews walk in the temple. Petrify those motherfuckers and yell, Black Lives Matter. I bet they have one of the army surplus store. God, go for it at this point. That's all it's gonna fit,

either that or fuckin' boom boom men's in these football helmets from the eighth grade. Somebody who's got a big nugget like mine. You gotta see, it's just a little shell on my head. It ain't gonna do nothin'. I'm still gonna die. This don't do nothin'. It's just a little shell.

I look like a Chinese guy with it. Got one of those little old chai Japanese, the Vietnamese hats. That's what it looked like. It just covers me perfectly. Look at my face, how it's burnt. So that's the part it's missing? What's that?

No, we're gonna- I have like a little- That's where the sun's hitting you? Yeah, the sun's fuckin'. But once you put, listen, I leave the house at like 10 to seven sometime. You've been calling me so early recently. There's not a car in the street.

You just pop the left. Listen, as I pop the left, I feel this fuckin' warmth from the sun already hitting you. Well, it just hits you right off the bat and it feels like, what happened? Feels like cotton. And you know, I just keep riding. And I try not to stop, you know.

Your mouth gets dry with that fuckin' mask on though. You're walking around like Ali Baba in the fuckin' desert when you're fuckin' dry though. I finished a tin of water before I even get back home. It's gone. You dry up with that fuckin' mask quick. And that's the thing that I want you to, you've throat to dry during this.

Cause that's when these fuckin' Ebola germs, the Cobra germs, could sit in there so you have to keep hydrated. Hydrated is the biggest fuckin' weakest word ever. When I was a kid, I didn't drink water for 12 hours. I was fine. I played all day in 90 degree weather. Yeah, they were at the beach.

My wife wouldn't stop. We have to get mercy out. She must be dehydrated by now. She's in the ocean. She's Cuban. She's suckin' the water into the fuckin' little holes. I guarantee it. We even yelled, you thirsty?

She's like, no. Why would she be thirsty? Only white people get thirsty at the beach. We're Cubans. We go 12 hours without a glass of fuckin' water. 12 hours, but you ride your bike without a mask? That shit gets dry quick, bro. Dry.

You're breathin', you're huffin', you're puffin', you goin' up a hill. It's a fuckin' nightmare. But it's got me through this fuckin' thing. So we all found somethin'. Some people found quailoots. Some people found dicks in the air. Some people found fuckin' calming drugs.

The bicycle saved my life, so. Who gives a fuck? Rodrigo, what do you got on the books? What are your plans for the rest of the year? Well, fuckin', we're gonna start goin' out on the road again in July. That's July 17th or the 19th at the Houston Improv with Felipe, so.

We'll see what the fuck happens after that. He's got a pretty full schedule after that. Those are the couple, the date he gave me. So, I don't know, I guess it's gonna be the start-off date and shit. I'm proud of you. It's good to see you, 20 years now. Yeah, man.

20 years I've been seein' your face. You never gave up. You're still doin' your podcast. You still do your little Room and Riverside. Yeah, we got that goin' on. We're gonna bring it back, you know, details and shit with the whole fuckin' COVID shit. Isn't that in the Simpli Second?

Yeah, yeah. It's a beautiful, it's a beautiful place. It's the Life Arts Center. It's a man, you're makin' it happen. You're a comic, no matter where the fuck you are. We did all the little acting classes, right? We did the best we can. We did the best we can.

This is it. This is what it's all about. It's just swingin' for the fuckin' fences and seein' where the ball lands. Who gives a fuck? The rest of them could suck my dick. I'm happy you got to, where can they follow you at? Instagram, at rodrigotoros.com.

At rodrigotorosjr. And then Twitter as well, at rodrigotorosjr. And on What's Up Fool podcast. Yeah, What's Up Fool podcast. We got over 290 episodes with Felipe Esparza. And Martin Rizzo's on the gig now. And I do- He's on the podcast as well?

Yeah, yeah. And I do a podcast in Spanish with Martin Rizzo. Los Podcasters del Norte. And we got 15 episodes available in my own podcast. Yeah, man, podcast. And yeah, man, that's all we got goin'. So we just hustled. The same shit that we always did.

With this whole bullshit that happened, adapted. Had, you know, got my old little trade back for a minute. And you know, just doin' it. Just, you know, tryin' to make some decimals. Keep your head above water. Not everybody gets unemployment. All that bullshit. So, you know, you gotta adjust.

And you gotta- You'd be bored right now if you hadn't been doing anything for a few months. Oh, exactly, exactly, dude. But, yeah, man. Just keep on truckin', dawg. Well, I'm proud of you, man. I'm happy you found time.

Hell yeah. For the church of what's happenin' now, motherfucker. On a Monday morning. Real quick, let me talk to you about a few things. Number one, Irvine is scheduled for the 2015 to 20-set in Brea, Irvine. Improv in Brea is scheduled for the 25th to the 27th of June. I do not know what's goin' on yet.

They said they'd confirm Monday that it might only be 100 tickets. So, that's all I have. I think they yanked July 31st from Las Vegas. I think August 1st is done in San Diego. And I think I got Utah still on the 2nd and 4th. But I'm also waitin' on the Soprano shoot. So, everything is up in the air, guys.

I'm not goin' out any other dates. Another void till we find out what this is. I will be having a residency in Brea, startin' in July every other Tuesday, you know? Again, there'll be no meeting greets. So, if you come into Meeting Greet, we'll let you know when they start. I don't wanna take your money.

I'm gonna keep the tickets at $20 in Brea. I'm workin' out. I'm just tryin' to get a new hour. And tryin' to feel out the audience and how I'm gonna feel on stage. And if I should either move forward with this, or that's it, move on. You know, that's what the plan is right now.

Hopefully we get the book out by February. Hopefully we get the movie out by September 12th. Then we'll see how we feel then. But right now is not the time to be makin' travel plans to Europe in September. I have a funny feelin' they gonna be fuckin' puttin' the squash on all that shit. Real quick, like I told you at the beginning of the show.

Listen, I'm gettin' older. I got pains, I got aches like everybody else. But I don't like pain medications, so I've given up to CBD. You're like, Joey, what's CBD? It, listen, just Wikipedia, you know, Google it. It takes KAU from A to Z. The most common thing is it lowers inflammation, you know.

It helps with anxiety, it helps with insomnia. It has a thousand and one uses. If you're gonna look for a CBD product, do me a favor. CBDlion.com is where you need to go today, right now. Whether it's gummy bears, whether it's bath salts, whether it's the tinctures, whether it's the vapor pens, they have mastered at every level. I have stopped using regular cream

and I use their cream. The CBDlion 500 milligram cream, that's what I use for moisturizer now. My legs feel and look a lot better. I rub them on my knees when I get out of the shower. I rub it on my face, I rub it on my elbows. I don't do nothing about my face, I can't do nothing about your face.

I'm still gonna be ugly for a long fuckin' time. And I'm gettin' ugly by the day time. But my point is go to CBDlion.com. Look at the third party lab results and you get back to me, bitch. And I'm fuckin' around over there. This is some fuckin' guy with a fuckin' confederate flag on his shirt and a liquor store chewing tobacco,

selling some fuckin' shit that he says is CBD. I want you to get the real thing, and I want you to get robbed, and I want you to pay a fair price. And if you want that, go to CBDlion.com. Look at their third party lab results. Don't even give you what type of CBD cures, whatever problem you may be going through.

Whether it's swelling, inflammation, this will help you with it. I can't say the word cure. This will help you with it. Give it a shot, take a chance. Columbus did, look, they threw him off the mountain last week. But who gives a fuck? He was up there for 3,000 years.

So grab your dicks, go to CBDlion.com, take a look at the product, read about the product, get educated, and this is the way to go. You wanna start with something? I suggest you go with the fuckin' raspberry gummy bears. Try that for sleep and then get back to me. They got a raspberry, strawberry, and orange, and I think they got the tropical.

They comin' out with a new tape. Listen, I love these people with all my heart. CBDlion.com, press in church, get 20% off to live it to your house. Ooh, the fuck is better than day. Number two, whether you're slingin' dick or you're at home, you always want your balls to be comfortable. You always wanna be comfortable,

and what you're wearin' should be Tip Top Magoo. This might not be the sum of your head and mind, I get it. But you know what? Changin' your underpants can change your fuckin' mindset. You motherfuckers, I've been tellin' you from the beginning. You get up in the morning, you take a shower, you get dressed, you change your clothes. It's all over, you gotta go with me undies.

That is the way to go. I've been workin' with them. They've been workin' with me for years, not because I'm a fuckin' whore, because I love what they do. I got me undies on right now. I gotta hold you off, fillin' them. They're the best underwear goin'.

You go to jujitsu, you wanna keep your balls clean. You goin' to the girls' house to get your little poles sucked afterward. Wear some me undies. You can roll for an hour. They have a material, it's Modol. Fuckin' tremendous. It makes your balls feel like they're gettin' cradled

by a little midget's hand. You ever see a little midget's hand, these nice and thick? Well, anyway, that's just a fantasy. No matter what, they're made from micro Modol fabric. It's actually made from trees, and they come in all shapes and sizes, from extra small to forex, all bodies welcome.

Even fat motherfuckers like me. They got a great offer for the church family. For any first-time purchases, they're gonna give you 15% off and free shipping. Listen, me undies is the only underwear for me. Now you gotta get the balls to try it. You're gonna be tweeting me goin' Joey. Why haven't you told me about these before?

And they also have 100% satisfaction guarantee. To get your 15% off, go to meundies.com slash Joey. I'm gonna give you 15% off your first pair, free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee. Go to meundies.com slash Joey. I wanna thank meundies.com slash Joey. I wanna thank cbdlion.com slash church. I wanna thank my brother Rodrigo Torres.

Yeah, man. And fuckin' the, yeah, yeah. What's up, fool, podcast? Yeah, man, podcast. And the other mentally Latin projects he has. I wanna thank the fuckin' Jew, the Christ killer. But most importantly, sorry, I had a pubic hand, my throat.

I wanna thank you fuckin' animals for listening and for being part of the church family. Hey, we're not stars, we're not Dave Chappelle. We're just tryin' to give you nothin' but heart and a little bit of laughter on a Monday fuckin' afternoon, Monday morning, all right? Stay black, have a good week, and we'll see you Wednesday. Tip top, motherfuckin' Magoo.

Kick this fuckin' meal, Leely Leelylin'. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.

That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it.