Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #796 - Joey Diaz used to hate Father's Day

Episode Date: June 17, 2020

Joey Diaz talks about his life, how people misjudge people who have been to prison, and why he used to hate Father's Day.  This podcast is brought to you by: Stamps.com -  Use code JOEY for a 4 week trial which includes postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com, click on the Radio Microphone at the top of the homepage and type in church.     Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout on your first order.  

It's a fucking nightmare. Greetings from podcastville. It's Wednesday the 17th of June The church of what's happening now is brought to you by Stamps.com listen everybody's avoiding fucking crowds right now But if you need to go to the post office Print postage at home and skip the lines with stamps.com plus save money on this couch You can't even get at the post office and now Stamps.com is working with UPS. You didn't know that did you get discounts up to 62% Listen since day one since I started this podcast and my wife started sending sending stuff out

We've been with stamps.com. I see how easy it is for her. She doesn't love it She fucking adores it. She prints up the labels pop up up up up up Put some on the thing the mailman comes picks it up and that's it He drops off the mail he takes the boxes with him. It's like fucking stealing. Okay, you're safe calories You're not around people and you fucking ship the boxes yourself. No drama. No fun. No, no nothing Stamps.com is the way if you don't have stamps, you should be shot in home That's that if you don't have stamps.com and you're running a business. What the fuck are you doing for start? No wonder that don't blame it on the quarantine. You're just a shitty fucking business man

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That's it and stay safe my friends the church is also brought to you by my fucking favorite on it I just got my ship in a couple days ago. I got my new mood. I got my alpha brain I got an impounder this time. I'm gonna try the powder. I got a thing of Shroom tech immune which is very important during these times and listen if you think I'm going on supplementary you think that You're a little down you want to get your mind sharp alpha brains the way to go this would got me back was alpha brain I was having a rough fucking time. I'm not gonna lie. Nobody. I was I was having a hard time with focusing

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Listen go to honor calm right now. Take a look at the supplements. Take a look at the kettle bells Take a look at the meal the MCT off. I mean listen, they're not fucking around that my company I love them to death go to honor calm right now and press in church Church motherfucker see you HR whatever the fuck it is. I'm I didn't want Sesame Street today Just press in church get 10% off write delivery to your house the best in the business kick this motherfucking mule Lee Shit I got everything to start the day off I got a doctor. I got a physical tomorrow morning at 8 30 in the morning. I go see fucking doctor

My new doctor give him some blood get a finger up the ass is the first How do you meet somebody on the first day puts a finger in his ass? They're probably gonna figure my be not you ever go to doctor. They do they start touching your balls They make you cough. I gotta go through all that shit tomorrow. So I'm gonna get up early go for a bike ride I gotta take a shower polish my balls really good. So he's impressed. You know I'm saying wait till I show this fucking new guy My set of nuts his wings gonna fall off. I hope he has a way Liberace that motherfucker you're saying wait, do you see that I pick up my cock and I show him that ball set He's gonna fucking die a little Jimmy Lou. I don't even know his name is my new doctor cuz my doctor retired

Anyway, how you guys doing? It's Wednesday. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. I'm not gonna lie to you I woke up a little sad today because today is a six-month anniversary of super bad's death Fucking six months. Where the fuck did it go? Let me tell you something for years. I thought I would fall apart when super bad died I didn't fall apart but that as stupid as the sound out of all the cats. I had I mean, I miss Harry I miss dimmy like a motherfucker, you know, I miss Fidel But I miss super bad so fucking much it hurts Because he was my goomba. He couldn't you know, you didn't see super bad all day

You saw super bad like an 11 eaten that he disappeared And then he come out like at 9 25 he come out like what's going on and Then I'd be leaving and I come home and he'd be waiting for me by the door He'd jump I do my things in the office, whatever and then I come out to the fucking he knew I'm coming out to the couch So he'd be waiting for me. I'd come out to the couch He put his head up against my lap and I just rub his neck and he would just be paranoid me He bite me from time to time and she went I took my hand off him. He'd fucking scratch me. He was a great cat man and One of the guys I forget his name right now. I fucking so many names and what's going on

He made me a super bad pillow. No, I have a super bad pillow in my living room So at night I just hold on to it when I watch TV and think of super bad and I also have a super bad pendant in my car That's hanging from my mirror. So he's always with me. That's how much that's how much I believe in that little fucking cat that cat Store my fucking heart in a way that Sometimes an animal steals your heart man Sometimes a certain pet and you don't even know but hey talk is cheap. We're getting the party started today It's Wednesday. I gave Lee five of these the other day. He called me back a lot later I'm gonna Steve Simone

101 I can't right these ain't shit these little pills, but they'll send you for a loop me personally I think they got something in them. I don't give a fuck. You want to dose me fucking. I'm like steak shake sack You know what happened shake shack fucking gave chlorine What did you fucking shake shack? Supposedly three cops drank there. They are now three cops like drink soda They got fucking poisoned that shake shack and there's Ari. I thought it was Ari I thought it was Ari fucking poison. It's been bad for everybody fucking planes no more booze Birds at home as flag is that high man?

He was like fucking Lee on Saturday when they were burning Wendy's Even though wasn't a Wendy's in his neighborhood least I had a little tear in his eyes Fuck it, you know, let's go motherfucker this Wednesday. If you ain't doing something you ain't dick anywhere but Yeah, it's been six fucking months and I told my wife last night I go, you know It's crazy the things you're missing. You don't miss. I mean I miss Brody. I miss Ralphie I think a Ralphie a lot lately Ralphie starting to come up Ralphie came up a lot in this little 90-day

Period is I thought about him a lot, you know, because you never really have time to think about people When they die, so I thought a lot about Ralphie. I thought a lot about Brody and It's just weird that they're even fucking gone, but it's crazy when you miss a cat You got to be a special type of person to miss a cat or an animal and I guess I'm one of those fucking fruit cakes Have you started bugging a new animal? No, no Nothing to replace that little motherfucker So I'm gonna wait. I got three cats left

They rolled the I Love them. I still play with them every night cuz I'm down to three. I've had two of the three since day one I've known two of the three there's super bad two sisters Last night I got on the floor with fucking Lulu and play with her. She's got a face that could fucking launch I mean, she's just beautiful and how she lifts her neck for you She lifts a neck for you She lifts a neck for you and puts a hand on your hand like listen my neck is itchy

I'm saying and she just looks directly into your eyes. Like, you know what to do motherfucker I'm gonna let my nails out into your hand and little by little She just pushes her nails into your fucking hand. You gotta love it. She's got balls of steel Assistant on fuck with nobody Evie ain't got time We call her bubbles cuz she just blows bubble When she's walking away and running away, they even get into beeps like they don't lay down together No, not because Evie was part of the boys club Evie told Lulu years ago to go fuck yourself

I want to hang out with the boys and then when the boys died Lili Evie was stuck out in the cold Nobody wanted no more Lulu's like, oh now you're gonna come back to me my sister go fuck yourself You know my fucking life what I need you my fucking life for so now they're not getting along so Lulu sleeps by the TV we we sleeps by the fucking stairs and Soup gray. I don't know what the fuck she sleeps. She took over the garage. That's my wife dumb Okay, she took over the garage. She lives in the garage. She got food in the garage She got her own bugs in the garage. I gave her a fly the other day. I give Lulu flies, too I don't just put them in a jar

Sometimes I smack them around and light them on fire and you shouldn't get a mind Somehow I think that the flies that come attack me are your flies But you just train them to somehow get me. How many flies do you have? Right now, I got three in captivation. I got three of them fucking Experimenting with I'm hitting them with fucking Xanax and fucking everything. This is he's one is begetting big He's getting strong. He looks like the guy that for rocky rocky fall from Russia. It looks like this motherfucker. You got a neck No way so he took his wings I didn't take I only took one way. Oh these motherfuckers. They all got one wing there

That's what I call them Johnny one wing Stevie one wing I think the other one's a girl. I can't figure it out But they're always on top they're raping her in there like this those two flies have been fucking other deaths You don't even move too much. I don't know what's wrong with a little fly legs. Oh my god But anyway, yeah, this quarantine We need to get out of this quarantine Listen, I know I killed the fly about two months ago and he came back to haunt me He's still alive in the house. He's bigger than a fucking motherfucker. He grew. I think the weed made him grow

Yeah, he's like a super fly He don't come out too much, but when he comes out you can hear him like They disappear as he goes down to the ground he's kind of retarded I fucked him up with the weed I gave him like I just did science labs of them like, you know, like Auschwitz like I just gave him Different sounds to live with I meant to live in the dark Made him live with fucking life, you know, I hide them for a couple months. I fuck with them I feed him. I gave him a little piece of shit from time to time. Everybody's happy I feel like even though Peter doesn't care about bugs the penis is gonna come after you for this

What sound you said you make him live with sounds do you play like different songs for them? I made my songs for them. I put Chinese music on and torture them just to see what they react to The plants plants grow a lot better when you they listen to music if you play So flies grow good to salsa music They did they react tremendously to salsa music they love Spanish music, I know this is about flies He's done hanging on to the glass Whatever, I don't give a fuck no more. It's Wednesday the 17th. Get your shit together You got six more weeks unemployment cock suckers. You better find a job. You're living big time right now

1100 you're smoking cigarettes. You're hanging up on your boss Wait till July 31st, you'll be like half the people in this town begging to suck a dick I've never seen a town more people begging to suck dick now than ever really. Oh, we got the small 50 You'll get your dick suck a good dick sucking They're on Twitter No, they're offering dick sucking sure they are they don't give a fuck That's why chick the other day talking my shit on Twitter. They're on Twitter. They're about to start sucking dick I need to start following some people you're following. I don't know who you're

You don't gotta follow nobody anybody wants to suck a dick pops up to the top What do you want to hear about COVID or about some chick who sucks things? Whoever filters my shit is doing the right shit. There's some fucking chick on there sucking dick. I swear to god There's some weird people doing some weird stuff and I can't blame them. They're trying to make a fucking living They're trying to make a living. I'm not mad. Nobody make a living I I don't I know what things I want to do and what I don't want to do You know, I'm fine for now. You know, we're fine We'll struggle through this. It's gonna get worse before it gets better as you're seeing right now

But who gives a fuck? There's no deadest prison. This has nothing to do with you All you gotta do is keep avoiding crowds. Keep your mask on wash your hands And when some motherfucker goes to hug him fucking mason, it's working I'm gonna get myself one of the electrical guns that black guy got shot with. Yeah, you know those I'm gonna get I'm gonna get one of those. I'm gonna Be with those fucking things I feel like a pussy, but I bought macy the night I just I'm just to keep it in my car. You never know Lee. You never know There's some weird things happening people acting weird. So we might come up to you and ask you for change when you're in your pocket

They want a mother. You don't know nothing These are the times when when you're driving your stuff when you walk in the that's why I don't even I don't even go to 7 11 Because there's such a negative vibe down there every time you go to 7 11 There's six people waiting for you to get out of the car to drop a fucking napkin or your phone So I'm even gonna have it does it's got nothing to do with me. That's all you need to do Listen, this thing's gonna keep getting out of control You could do it two ways you could be a part of it or you could you could be the problem or you could be the solution You know, I'm not blaming nobody, you know, you know me dog

I'm not like you want to go to a bar go to a bar. I wouldn't go to a bar There is nothing that I want to do to be around people. I know That this grows around people. Okay, if you go to a bar listen, we have a hard time social distancing When we're sober and you imagine once you get three or four drinks in you We want to give everybody a hug, right? So all these things are kind of on the fucked up part right now Comedy is booming in some fucking country Countries in some states. I fucking love comedy. I want you people to go out and fucking support

But listen, you guys know 300 people in the room. Don't work No, unless you're a fucking idiot, you know, this just from new york that really people in the room The percentages are high. There's no ventilation. There's no windows. There's no fucking fresh air Like I said, I'm not fucking Fidel Castro. I'm not here to tell nobody how to live But I'm telling you I'm gonna live, you know next week. We're supposed to be in brand. I have not heard anything They called last week and said we're gonna be there next week For sure. We'll know monday. It's fucking wednesday You know, I haven't heard you know what annoys me about you is how like you're right a lot

I was just realizing that the way you live like everyone who I talked to and they're like So when you have a podcast i'm like, I don't know If the people don't like they don't understand and the way you live like it's just for today I probably helped you for this because you're like the only one who is only like I never worried about no No, I've been telling you guys since the podcast started. It's all about today. How are you gonna make money today? How are you gonna make it work today? How are you gonna keep together today? How are you gonna feed your family today when people come up to me and talk to me about the future? I don't know what you're talking about. I don't want to talk about

That's why I had a hard time as a comic. I don't know what I want to do in three months. I don't know how I'm gonna feel I'm for the day last night. I told you I wanted chicken colors today I woke up and I'm gonna move up to the pastrami sandwich. This ain't communist cuba This ain't communist cuba. I think most people waste their time thinking about december I can't stand it. Most people waste their time I mean I get emails every day. Hey, when are you coming to cleveland? You know what? That's the wrong question to ask anybody. What are you coming anywhere?

You know, I gotta return back like are you fucking retarded? Nobody's going nowhere Nobody you don't want to be on a plane. You don't want your family on a fucking plane So we make it work or what we have. I've been having a good time. I'm happy for the first time in a long long long long long long time I'm happy from the inside out I took a rest. I saw what it was. I saw what was behind me And I'm also looking at what's in front of me and I like what I'm fucking saying I don't want to do the podcast to talk about something today specifically because it's coming up this weekend

It bothered me for years, but now I'm enjoying it and it's fucking father's day Few motherfuckers who haven't even thought about it's father's day on sunday So instead of worrying about whether football is coming back or whatever the fuck is coming back. It's father's day So your dad's something. I don't know get him fucking me on these Why bother you? Well, let's fucking go to the beginning my father died when I was three Do I remember him? I could tell you whatever story you want me to tell you, but I don't remember I don't remember. I remember situations, but I don't remember what he was like. I don't remember his voice

I don't remember his tone so For years growing up on father's day. I was a little sad, you know, I'm saying yeah I mean, I think that's it. It's one of my worst fears is my parents dying. I can't imagine growing up. I'm already dead. Yeah, so My father, you know, he was dead. So every year as a kid, you know, and I had a stepfather or whatever But no, it wasn't the same

My father was dead. I think about him and I'd say what the fuck, you know but I know he was watching over me and I'd be fine and then You know, you turn 18 19 you get a little older I still had those weird feelings and my mother died. I never had anything against mother's day I never really got sad on mother's day. I think only the first three Because at least I got to experience my mother. I got to see what she was like I got to You know spend time when I did everything what she was loving my life

But my father was a big mystery in my fucking life And then now the questions I needed answered nobody's around to answer them for me So for years, I always didn't like father's day and then what happened then I ended up becoming a fucking father And within two years I wasn't mature enough to be a father. I mean, you know, I just didn't have it in me to be a father And it wasn't I didn't have it in me It was the addiction to when you addicted to anybody you can't Be committed to anybody when you're addicted to a fucking drug

You really can't be committed to anybody. They don't really have you They have you 90 percent And guess what the tempest 90 90 percent. That's Exaggerating they have you 50 percent And the 50 percent that the drug you're addicted to is the most powerful one. So For years, I didn't uh, you know after we broke up and I lost my child Father's day was just fucking painful as fuck You know what I thought about a father's day for years is when when I wake up at father's day

Since from 1996 To 2013, you know what I felt on father's day. I still remember smelling Her like when we'd make the exchange like when I'd have visitation rights. I still remember Going to pick her up and hugging her And I could smell his cologne. He wore fucking cologne which right there that's a sign that he's a douchebag But whatever that was a long time ago He wore cologne and I used to fucking smell the cologne And listen, I don't know if you've been kicking the dick. You've been kicking the dick. It fucking hurts

But if you ever got kicked in the dick and ball combo It doesn't hurt. It's a pain that if they kick you correctly It ships everything in and it's a horrible pain. You feel it in your fucking stomach. I don't know if that's ever happened to you That's the pain I would access When I would bend over hugger and kiss her and smell that fucking cologne In her the anger every the reaction to that fucking pain Was so bad. I can't even explain it. So that must have stayed with me. So from fucking 2000 just think about it from fucking 1997

To You know, I mean listen when I was with when I was her father for those five years The mother wouldn't let me her acknowledge me for father's day Like she would always make an argument She wants to be with her grandfather on father's day. She wants to be with a stepfather on father's day I mean they got to that point like she wouldn't even let her honor me on father's day Which was even more painful You know when I think back to my addiction from

2098 to the time I ended it was fueled by that pain that was part of One of the many many pains that I had was That uh, you know, I just got the fucking My fucking blank my legs kicked out from under me as a dad And I got two ways to argue it. I could I I could tell you two stories I could tell you first off I will tell you the one story that some people are just cruel sometimes. I want to bust my balls But they don't because I know the truth people say I abandoned Jackie

I never abandoned it when you abandon somebody you go for cigarettes and you don't come back With her I tried to keep in touch with I sent money child support paid up to you know I even called years ago put an investigator on it. I never abandoned nobody I just knew I wasn't gonna win so And I wasn't gonna end up in a bad place with these people. I see what Buttons that were pushing a couple weeks ago. I told you guys I don't want to go on the road right away Because I want to see how people react

What did I just tell you what how did they react? Well, look at look at southern Florida look at texas look at arizona look at california You have to wait to see how people react, you know What was I talking about uh Mr. The pain she wouldn't let you she wouldn't acknowledge your father. She wouldn't acknowledge me at all And then for years after that, I never got nothing. So father's day was always Fucking it was like a double fucking painful day You know, I got to the point where I was like, I'm not even gonna have fucking kids

Like I never saw kids again in my future I could lie to you and tell you I never saw it when I hooked up with terry Now obviously 20 years later in two weeks Uh, I never saw fucking kids I thought my sperm was so fucking tainted And my soul was so fucking black that there was no love left in my sperm because the love from your heart Has to travel travel to your sperm sack and then you spread the love like it's like sneezing with covid You know i'm saying that sperm goes into that woman and you spread love and the child

I had a dark heart and a dark soul and I was a junkie. So I never really thought I would fucking get a knocker up I mean that's true, but it it really shows you how Awesome like similar. We are like looking at you. You were a criminal. You'd been in prison I wouldn't really think that either way Father's day would affect you emotionally at all But it's still your daughter No matter what you've done in your life with that person you are you you have some emotion

Everyone has a soul. Yeah, the other man I was watching I got I went down a fox hole A buddy of mine too, but the guys who used to put me in the disney scripts the The dog that saved halloween all that shit They contacted me. I can't say what they wrote a script about but they wrote a A great script and I want to do some background And for some reason I bumped into the iceman's Tapes okay on hbo. I don't know if you guys are familiar with the ice. Oh, yeah

Richard Kulinski And I looked at the first one when he first came on the scene When Michael Bowden was doing the interviews the guy who who did the uh independent autopsy on george floyd That guy That's the one you call when you want to find out exactly what they died of When he did the first interview. I think it was him you know He would talk to you about killing people like nothing happened, but when you brought up his family he would

That's everybody has some emotion Everybody has some emotion just because you got listen just because you went to prison Or you made a mistake Or people think you're the type of animal you are because you went to prison. They're wrong, bro You know, I was thinking about yesterday how I cry from time to time And I'm like people would think I go people wouldn't take nothing Because if you don't give a good cry from time to time you ain't shit You know something has to bring me to emotion. I got emotional watching the last dance with michael geord

I got emotional watching bruce lee I got emotional watching this 40 for 40 30 for 30 this week about the two home run Oh, that's you know, I like baseball. I miss baseball. You know, I miss baseball How many times have we sat here? I thought I don't watch sports But an hour before I leave to go to the store to go out I would watch a baseball game not really an hour two in it Hit let them go up and let the other team back and I get up and I leave But that's how much I like baseball like I miss baseball right now

Oh, yeah, so I think with this the double the 30 for 30 with the home run hitters I think it got me emotional I found tears in my eyes and I'm like, what would people think you know people wouldn't think nothing Because I'm getting uh inspired when I see those kind of shows I get inspired Bruce lee whether it was the last dance with michael geord You know, it just fucking inspires you. You know, what's really burning me up right now There's something that's burning me up It burned me up the first time I saw it online

And that's why I stopped going online as much as I do I'll tell you what happened. I've been seeing people again I'm not defending nobody. I'm just telling you what I feel I've seen people post George Floyd's past and I've seen him post the african-american man who died in uh

In atlanta's police record You know what man? They both made a ton of mistakes They both made a ton of mistakes, you know Does that give anybody a right? What we saw was one thing what they did in the past Was another it scares a guy like me Because what happens if god forbid can I go home?

I go to bend over and pick up a kettlebell and I have a heart attack. What are people going to be saying tomorrow? He was a good storyteller. He was an okay comic But let's write it off. He was in prison Let's not make him a martyr. He went to prison It's not going to prison is one thing is what you do after it. That's the other So, I mean you gave me the best compliment you gave me you go listen I've started 20 podcasts with people. The only one that worked is you who's the next felon in the whole fucking deal It just shows you that we don't know nothing about character people

You know when arie became my friend arie became my friend because of a personal situation he has And he knows that people make mistakes, but in society They automatically tell you you've been to prison. You're a bad person. That's what they teach you from day one Without even knowing what type of mistakes you're gonna make as a young man or whatever the fuck, you know Or the thing that blows my mind is how easy it is to go to prison Obviously you you did some things and it was your lifestyle But there's there's some people you can just go and make one mistake real quick and be there for 10 years like it like

It's crazy It's that quick It's as quick as you and me coming here Bullshitting drinking having a great time. We each have three fucking beers three beers now If you look at me, I'm a fat fuck, you know, three beers ain't gonna do nothing to me But in hindsight it will do something to me. I don't drink so for a guy like me. I'll get Fucked up guy like you you'll get fucked up. You don't drink much, you know, right?

You're a big little dude, but you still you're not gonna suck on I'm also not a doctor. Who am I to know? Let's take my brother Bert who I tortured yesterday online about the fucking united closing Let's take my brother Bert Bert could do three beers and not feel a thing. It's like a fucking It's like a shrimp cocktail to him right like the way 200 300 milligrams is to me Three beers to bird is nothing. You know it and I know it and everybody in this fund is listening to this knows it Bert could drink anybody under the fucking table with no coke. God forbid that motherfucker did coke a couple weeks ago They were goofing around him and tom. They're like, what would think what's a good drug for

Bert to do you think he would enjoy cocaine? I go listen that guy puts away fucking cocktails with no cocaine I can't even imagine giving him two lines. It's all over. You might as well close the bar Because he's drinking everything. He's gonna put the toilet right there and let him go. Seriously. He could drink so let's say Bert did three 12 ounce fucking Heineken's you and I both know Bert could drive with his eyes closed on fucking three Heineken's right He could drive with his eyes closed on three Heineken's Bert makes a right turn on fucking uh channel

He's looking at to see what's coming but he when he makes the right turn he hits a bicyclist Yeah, it was dark out. Yeah bike lane, okay Runs over the guy they pull him over. He has a little bit of alcohol on his breath You know not You know skyrocketing over the league with the limits whatever To you and me. It's an accident. The guy's writing his little he wants to be speed racer tonight, you know So what what do I do with Bert now? So we give him six years for manslaughter for being drunk for a dui It's the right thing. But I'm not saying that that guy doesn't have his rights, but

At the same time We all know Bert we love Bert Does he deserve six years? But that's how quick your life could change. Yeah one minute. I was at the dentist's office The next minute I was putting a guy in handcuffs putting them on the floor dragging them into a room Two hour difference three hour difference That's how quick your life could change You get in your car you are with your friends. You have a few drinks

You know, those are the ones those are the guys that when I got locked up one of my friends that was the head of the laundry was Steve Simone Think about Steve Simone think about a guy like Steve Simone. He wouldn't wrong you He wouldn't do he was a great little white guy. He was just starting his sophomore year in college at fucking Uh Not Colorado Springs, but the Fort Collins. It's a veterinary it specializes in veterinary and he was interested

He was interested in animals. He was a sweetheart of a guy six fucking year sentence I got four he got six for drinking and driving and Killing somebody. I don't know what the fuck happened and then your life is never over. No And the guy he hit was drunk Like it was a complicated fucking They all left the bar together and there was like an accident and six years Six years that guy that guy that guy was destined that guy was not a criminal

By no means he was he was destined to have a life. I'd see his family on visitation And they were white and they were like mortified They would sit in that in that visiting room like it was the end of the world. They had never experienced this This was not in their culture everybody else in that room That culture was you know being in jail or they had had some previous these people never had this in their whole life Every time they would come to visit him I would look and I would feel horrible for them and he would come over and introduce me to his family Like I met him a couple times and they would look at me like I was a fucking frankenstein

But they knew I was I had their sons back Right, you know and they would talk to me the more I'd see him and then by thanksgiving they were nice to me We both got sent in there like three days apart or something. Wow So we were new so we clung I could tell I could tell he was scared Yeah His body language was telling me he was scared So I just wanted to assure him that he was all right that he you know He was gonna be okay. And then he finally confessed to me

He goes I think they're gonna rape me and I go no no look at this place We were at a camp ain't nobody gonna rape you Unless you want to be raped. I'll pimp you this shit out like we you know what I'm saying He comes on my lap. Yeah. Yeah come over here. Something's not but you know He was very and then he fell into it and by like november. We were fine When I left he was I forget what his name is, you know, I'm sorry. I didn't keep in touch with him He was a solid little friend to me in there You know, we didn't hang out together at night because he was a little on the scared side

So he would stand his room and read his books And he kept to himself and he was friends with the guys Like the african-american guys and his wing made him feel a little secure And you know He helped people would get like he was one of those guys that helped you read And helped you get a high school diploma and stuff like that So he finally fit in because he was a pretty fucking smart guy But my heart went out from every day because he was living in horror

That he had never shoplifted a lighter He had never jaywalked But that's how quickly Your life could change You know, you're in your buddy's house Two guys are watching football. They gambled They get into an argument The one guy calls the one guy a fucking arab the other guy calls him a fucking

Chinaman next, you know, somebody hits somebody with a thing. He hits them. They die You're there You know so many things could happen in this life Without your control that you don't fucking know But what are you gonna do live like a fucking hermit in your basement? Well, you gotta enjoy life and take your chances You know yesterday, I didn't want to admit this to anybody two days ago. You know, we put my daughter in a camp That morning I had to take anxiety medication

I never take anxiety medication in one but at 7 a.m. When I woke up I was in such a fucking specter Of anxiety because I had to drop her off at a camp. I wasn't familiar with I went with the mother. We took a look around It wasn't much but she seemed interested. I looked at her she nodded And she ran it God she ran in there I had to say mercy and she turned around and I go see and she goes see you

She was dying to get away from us three fucking months in the house and we've done everything we can with her But she's so fucking independent She shot the fuck out of there So all day I was waiting I had my phone on me. I'm waiting for the call come get me This sucks. Somebody hit me. I thought all these bad negative things My wife comes to me. She goes, you want to pick her up with me? I said, absolutely Let's go see. I was just going to see what the reaction was first hand. I didn't want to hear it from my wife I pulled up

My wife goes you want to come in like I said in the car I made a call. I tried to call you the service was down that day And next you know the window was open. I hate them both come out and the first thing I hear was mommy Can I come back tomorrow? And my wife goes, yeah, you do that my fucking heart settled Everything went away. That was the last of my anxiety Because now at least she's got a camp that'll hold her over right until she gets bored Which is about two weeks right but by that time the other camp will be ready with the pool

Hopefully if the numbers don't go up and like this is like such a good example of like people changing Because to me you're like, yeah that guy was scared in jail. That'd be me. I'd be terrified and you now 20 years later, you're nervous like your daughter might not enjoy camp Yeah Because dog this means I can't get my book done Right. Yeah, that means I'm on her all she's on me all day. So I'm happy that plus I didn't want uh, listen this these last couple generations have come up You fucking kids with your fucking computers and the stain and

The stain and bullshit drives me fucking crazy kids. It drives me crazy I've never seen a society like this every time I open up my front door and I look down the street And I don't hear kids playing my heart breaks more and more Then I write it off to california Then I got on a plane I come to your town to visit to do county for the weekend And that's the first thing I do is I tell the guy like let's go down a residential neighborhood There ain't no kids playing outside no more. I don't know what the fuck happened in society You know, I want my kid to be out and I want her girlfriends to be out with them

Walk around getting involved go to the park. Ain't nobody gonna kill you It's just you know, this is where we live ain't nobody gonna kill you But I want her to be out. I wanted you know, when this shit when this shit happened from the beginning I think it was the first week my wife was like just waking up and doing homeschool and I go that's not gonna work I go you forget when you drop her off. She runs around for 20 minutes And she talks and she gets her yaya. That's what I call it getting your yaya She talks then you sit them down Then you teach them you teach them for an hour and a half once they're fucking

Attention spans that's going backwards. Boom. You take them outside again. Throw them off a different activity Bring them back make she would say to me. I don't like to sweat. I don't give a fuck what you like You're gonna fucking sweat You know, I got footage of me playing basketball What I got footage of me and making her do drills Through cones at the church over there and they had cones set up for people who would not go in right I used them as drill cones I had a fucking doing basketball going around for fucking cones. I don't give a fuck

You're not standing in the fucking house all day. So for me her going to camp yet Help me out because what these kids are staying in every day 10 years from now. They're gonna be in a psychiatrist Because they're gonna be raised that those three months of fear You you see the fear in your parents. Yeah, so obviously you're gonna be scared. That's why I couldn't be scared throughout this I couldn't show her. I was scared throughout this. I had to take it to mcdonald's. I didn't walk in I don't think you can walk in there anyway. I don't know. You gotta be crazy walking to mcdonald's now That's automatic cold Especially now after then they mixed the gay parade with the regular black protesters

So now you mix on hiv with cobit. That's a fucking mixture. You can't make in china time They're gonna kill the world with that mixture hiv and fucking cobit together. That's what I needed I love lbtgq and I love the fucking all black black You know, I want everybody but it's freedom of fucking speech But you can't mix because you're gonna fuck us up Not people gonna have itchy ass holes now. They're gonna add complete different symptoms to cobit You know what i'm saying? Do you have an itchy asshole? Does your mouth feel like you had a dick in it? You know go to the hospital

We gotta throw some humor here. It's fucking wednesday cocksuckers who's sparking another one with me Nobody go fuck yourself. I'm going deep today. It's wednesday. I got another tab And I gotta go see my doctor tomorrow for a fucking blood test Wait till they look at my blood test. It's gonna be cobit and thc And the cobit's beating the thc to death. He's beating them on the head like Seattle like the fucking antifa whatever the fuck hitting people the hell which sticks those poor bastards What they're gonna get hit now they got all these organizations the boogaloo's The fucking antifa's I don't fucking listen. I can't keep up. That's why you gotta carry two pistols

Do they ever do they have to test you for thc? For the for your doctor or no, okay, let me explain something My doctor don't want to test me for thc, you know, you'll be a new one tubes not got a new one, but jimmy you don't want to know nothing I don't think you put thc leave. I don't do the drugs can I just pull them blood from you and looking for all the other shit You know Diabetes all that shit. I don't want to have to lose my foot And be on a roller skate next to you and shit. How's your roller skate feel good? This diabetes is great

You went over my foot all the time on purpose The good foot the jew foot on the stump. No wait, I thought you I thought you had diabetes. Why do I have diabetes guys? You keep it up. You're gonna get diabetes. They're gonna give you one of those washwoods feet Those little ones that they just gave you if you were Mr. Lake That's amazing. We mentioned everybody here. We just you know, everybody gets love on the podcast We just abuse one fucking

Everybody gets love gay people black people everybody. I love everybody. I don't give a fuck no more Fuck it. We're all the same everybody's the same We were all built at the same factory brother get that through your fucking heads. Nobody were all the same, bro Whether you're gay black. I don't give a fuck anymore. I love you. So don't go fuck yourself if you don't Go listen to somebody else. Anyway, talking about father's day. I fucking hated it Put a knot in my fucking stomach And then god gave me mercy Do you remember your first father's day with her?

A little painful at first the first two were a little hard to digest You know when somebody Went for years somebody tells you you're not a good dad And then one day you realized you weren't a good dad at that time because after I had mercy And I think by the time mercy was five. I mean a conscious decision. I think I saw it on the podcast that I was doing some of mercy one day. I had a feather Like it was her and I I had her like my wife had something so I had a feeder and do all that stuff And I remember sitting next to one saying prayers

And thinking I could never have done this 20 years ago Like what I just did I could have never done this when I was going through all that stuff from my older daughter and Jackie I couldn't I am will do what I'm doing right now and that's when I realized that I wasn't ready to be a dad. My ex-wife was right My ex-wife was Correct. I was not by all means ready for what I had on my plate Because of the coke because of my match on this Because of my hardheadedness and my stubbornness

I fought her I didn't want to lose my name to her. I just wasn't ready to be a dad at that time But when I did become ready to be a dad She was all grown up And that's the truth. That's the honest to god truth Now with mercy came I was ready to be a dad and I've proved that to myself now So, you know what mercy seven I had jack went till she was five and I had my little situation

And I had to devote myself to comedy Gave my wife an out they took her to england We lost contact for a while on purpose then I called the house and reconnected From there on in it was just alone and valued And I came to grips with it And then god threw Jackie in my fuck out mercy on my lap Just because I came to grips of what had happened boom God threw a fucking fastball out

And guess what I headed out of the fucking park And now today yeah Today, I feel like a dad I'm ready to accept the gift on sunday and tell her I love and hang out with her I don't know where we're gonna go. Everything's fucking closed, you know I was hoping your universe was open, but the rides aren't you can still go up there park for free And walk some of the restaurants are open You know, I don't know if I'm ready

You're not gonna get it up and put an apron and a grill outside Uncle Joey's the master a lot of things. They're all psychological Cook it ain't one of them. You don't grill. I figured you'd be good. Thanks. My wife. My wife is interesting. Yeah, I don't I don't touch that to me. That's like that's like that's how I know I'm not ready to be a dad like I just because my dad didn't do a lot of Uh, kid stuff. He did some stuff But he was always outside on the grill and you know how to do that I didn't understand the child when I was on the coke in 95 and 91

I didn't understand the child. I was still a fucking child Yeah, I was still a child who was on drugs who had regressed 20 fucking times, you know You know, I wasn't fucking ready That's why I know now in my heart that well when I'm with mercy and I do little things You know, especially during this quarantine. I've uh I've made something of this quarantine. I'm very happy that I made something of myself during this quarantine I Got stronger. I took a breather and let me look at myself my past

And let me look at my future. I'm and I suggested to you guys I told you since day one Get your money back from those tickets. I'm not telling you get your money back. Something doesn't felt feel right Pack your refrigerators with food. Put away your money Get your weapons ready. Get your explosives just in case somebody wants coming your fucking door because listen in two weeks If we don't go back to work or they start doing shut-ins or whatever because just because things are open Don't mean restaurants are doing great. No, I spoke to my friend. Yeah, that almost a Thai restaurant to the hundred dollars on Friday It's a hundred dollars worth of business on Friday

So we expect it to reopen for all these people to come out and be spending money be like 1920. It's not happening But listen in Florida they're going out in Arizona. They're going out and in Texas. They're going out big time And uh, listen, like I said, I'm not for del Castro I'm not for del Castro by no means I'm sure if I was 18, I'd still be out there snorting coke with a mask. I don't want to hold it You know me. I'm not gonna lie to nobody, but Just be just keep your eyes open, man You know what avoid a fucking if if it's over eight people, you don't want to fucking really be there

You don't want to be there. Listen, I let life dictate itself I would love to do county next weekend. Did you see that? uh, fucking jack jr Post he was doing a show Wednesday No, he was doing a show Wednesday tonight tonight. He was doing a show. He had a planned advertised They they called him up. They said, listen, I don't know if you know this You ain't doing no show Wow

They said we don't give what the numbers are down. We don't give a frenchman's fuck You ain't doing no show. You want to open up and sell chicken wings? Go ahead You want to sell a couple cocktails? Then jack jr said, well, we'll do in the backyard and they said no, you won't So that's just so you people know what's going on in california Well, yeah, I mean you posted the other day they already canceled the Oscars Yeah, well, they they canceled the Oscars for the wrong reasons and I'm very sorry. I posted that They didn't cancel the Oscars because they expect something they cancel the Oscars because they're not shooting no movies right now

Oh, okay. So you have such a three month gap no movies So nobody's gonna win nothing. There's gonna be three movies going up against themselves So they want to give people an opportunity to Get their movies out there I mean, I'm expecting to hear from the Sopranos any day now on the prequel Any day and when I hear from them, it's going to be a week later. They're flying me I'm going to hear from them to go take a covid test

And to send them the results And then they'll see from there and then they'll plan the whole thing after that when I land at the airport They'll give me a covid test They'll give me a covid test at the hotel before I check in on the set and then After the set whatever it's going to be a quick shoot. You can't shoot long hours So I'm expecting that And that's it. That's all I know for right now. All I know is today

Like you said to me today guys look I learned a long time ago. I saw people who sat there and made plans for fucking three years The garbage needs to come down. This is what I'm saying the hits don't stop. I had an ambulance chase I had fucking Johnny helicopter out there for 10 minutes. Now. I got this guy going backwards He don't want to hit nobody ain't nobody out there turn the fucking beeper off And if you hit somebody all you're gonna hear and you just take off go fuck it. I don't know nothing who hit him covid I love this marijuana guys. I love wednesdays most people hate when I went something There's not a day to get stoned to the fucking gills and look at life for what it is you collect in the employment Whatever the fuck you're doing. There's no deadest prison hang on bitches. But anyway back to father's day, man

I became a dad and I'm fucking happy So thank you very much and you guys helped a lot You guys helped a lot with your emails and your questions a lot of people question my story about Jackie and what happened today Whatever you want to believe whatever put down you got for me guy'd believe it But I'm telling you right now. Nobody got abandoned. Nobody was missing fucking meals Everything was planned everything. I saw the future. I was like listen This is either gonna end me up in prison

Or something bad is gonna happen here Either way, I'm gonna lose I had already been thrown out of the comedy works on a fake fucking sexual I grabbed some girls ass charge And I knew that that was just the beginning of the bullshit coming my way So I'm happy. I took the sign. Listen. That's what I was trying to say to you people Sometimes life gives you fucking signs. You don't need to even get involved sometimes Life will give you signs and it's not more eminent to me than when I started doing stand-up comedy

You got to read the signs life gives you and roll with it. It's not gonna happen Maybe that's the way whoever's watching over me buddha. Did you god god? He had whatever who's ever looking over you Is that his name jihad? I don't fuck Who's ever looking over you that's like the way you want it if braille opens next weekend. I'm very happy, you know If prayer doesn't open I'll wait till July for the residency. I don't want people getting sick either So I'm working everything on signs. That's why right now the sign is to sit tight put your mask on You want to exercise be my guest if you want to take your mask off if you're outside after 20 minutes

and you're by yourself And you're socially distancing And you're by yourself and you don't have 20 people walking in front of you You could take that mask down Oh, yeah, if you're white outside Because you're gonna get co2 whatever that is poisoning. I got it to one day on the bicycle That's crazy. I kept the mask on the whole time and you can't do that when you pull over I leave it off now and I take like a minute break and drink water

And breathe take deep breaths because that mask i'm telling you It's fucking amazing. What how bad I felt that day. I can't wear working out. Yeah, so you know It'll give you oxygen poisoning or some shit something some type of poisoning That I was reading about the other day and I didn't know about it until it happened to me I've gotten poisoned two fucking times the last couple months. I got this fucking other poison Then last we got the sun poisoning. Let me tell you something last night. My wife was taking sheets of skin off my back Guys sheets of skin Were peeled off my back every time I scratch I feel water because I got water blisters all over my shoulders

My fuck I had them on my face. Didn't you see him? I had them on my face for a couple days. That's how bad I got fucking burnt last wednesday at the beach With 22 layers of sun powder on whatever the fuck sun and tanning lotion on that's crazy name of high fuel Oh my god, I was burnt to fucking death, but i'm cuban I'm cuban. I'm used to this shit. I've been getting sun all my I love the sun My legs are fucking dark fucking dark dark. They got burnt. My legs didn't get sunburn It was just my shoulders the inside of my back and my wife must have put some She even said last night she goes this is amazing. I put that stuff on you like four times. I go I know

That's how strong the fucking sun was so I'm all right though now. Fuck it. I went to Novator Yesterday, I got my little red light therapy. Did you go uh freeze with it? I haven't frozen yet. I'm not I haven't worked myself up to freeze yet That's next week Interesting tomorrow. I got the physical. That's the blood draw and the doctor's office. That's gonna be a biggie That's gonna be a biggie. That's a lot of breathing That's a lot of nose breathing on my dude outside. Could you could the could the table outside? Yeah, yeah, yeah for me Don't take me outside and stick a finger up my ass outside

And though I love your questions. They're always so yeah, they're gonna take you outside. That's great, please Anyway, this is what I got to deal with on a daily basis Last week we were talking about places to move He goes I was thinking about Oklahoma. I I went home and I'm like I could see if we had somebody that came in from on you never even met nobody from Oklahoma And this is without weed or drugs people We imagine what I got to put up with the animals so you have no Weather I'm looking at prices of houses. Yeah, where Oklahoma city for what it has good decent weather

It doesn't have hurricanes But in the mind the houses are cheap. That's all I was looking at You know what the houses are cheaper because there was a bombing in there. You stupid fuck. You know You're not moving to Oklahoma. You can't be that retarded that you look to the whole house You see what like people you see that put up with on a daily And you're lucky that the other day he called me on edibles. I didn't even know who it was You don't even know who the fuck he's saying I was like, how many animals you eat last night and it wasn't even that night. It was the next day. So please

knock it off You lost all credibility. He wants to move to Oklahoma. I'm fucking believable and do what hang out with Indians What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? No, you don't even know anybody in Oklahoma for crazy sakes Go home with your motherly. Please go to Boston live in the basement. I'm not moving anywhere I'm gonna fold your clothes for you. You can sit down there until whatever's on genero day The Armenian will come get you in a few months. He'll take you to houston Once the cold we go, can you imagine all those fat fucks right now in the Armenian trying to lose weight in houston Those poor fat bastards six hundred pounds. They can't leave the house. The Armenian is whipping him

I Love smoking marijuana, especially on the podcast with you people. It gives me a nice little feeling I got tingles. I start the day off on the right fucking foot And that's it and that's that listen people Because of this COVID thing There's some people I want in here and there's some people I don't want in here So for a couple days for a couple podcasts gonna be one with a guest

One with us. You better get used to we're just like coming here Drop knowledge crack a couple jokes keep you on track And that's it. You're on to your fucking day We don't have time no more. There's people going to fucking parades People are jumping up and down. I don't know who the fuck's coming in here and right now at this point in my life I gotta look out for me. I gotta look out for Lisa. I gotta look out for my fucking family You know, if you don't see me out on the road, don't get mad at me again I gotta think of the big picture. I can't think of what I want. Yes

All right, I miss going on stage. Are you fucking kidding me? Every night I sit there at eight o'clock and go Jesus Christ The other night just took a ride off over Laurel Canyon Just to make it feel like I was going to the comedy store I got the Laurel Canyon. I went over I may believe I wasn't going to the McDonald's You really can't go in that way and I'm at a U-turn. I came right back up Laurel Canyon Oh, you didn't go by the store didn't even go by the store. I just wanted to make the drive It took me 8.9 minutes

There was not one fucking soul on Laurel Canyon. I went up and over again As far as next weekend, I don't know what's going to happen in Brea It's Wednesday and I haven't heard anything and I'm sorry hopefully By tomorrow I could post something on there because it'll give you a week out And we'll see if there's going to be a hundred people 200 people or there's not going to be a show at all but don't worry about it because

Starting I think July 13th It's Brea one week Oxnard the next and Brea the following week And then I got other things in the store that I'm going to be dropping on your people So, uh, listen, you're having a rough time. I'm having a rough time We're all having a rough time, but guess what? We're having a rough time together and that's better than doing it alone I love you guys with all my fucking heart. I know you're going through hell Thank you for all the early happy father's day already. I got him last night Tuesday night People like Joey happy father's day. So I said, you know what tomorrow

I will do a little podcast just to let you know. I feel about father's day. I'm comfortable now I'm comfortable because of my daughter. I'm comfortable because of my wife And I'm also comfortable because of the way you guys Have Nurtured me throughout this time You know Before my wife had mercy I was now I didn't think I could live up to it. I thought I was a failure

I had failed once before what's going to make me not fail again But this time I had to do it for myself. I had to do it for her And I had to do it for you guys to win your trust back just to let you know I didn't just abandon a child So this sunday means the world to me. So thank you very much for listening Thank you for smoking two joints with me Thank you for letting me come on and break your balls for a few hours And that's it

If you took offense anything go fuck yourself. These are just jokes. It's a comedy podcast not a fucking You know political collect correct podcast. I'm not here to oppress nobody I'm just here to have a good time for an hour and let you know. I got your back. All right real quick Before I get you out of here real quick want to talk to you about something listen I was having a rough time. Everything got together. I found the bike. I got my mind right I went back to the notebook the notebook was important and listen What lee was saying in the beginning? Yes, I live for the daily. I live for today, but I live for 90 days from here. I live for 30 days from here and I live on a daily 30

When you have a notebook, it's a daily goal the 30 day goal the 60 day goal The 90 day goal and the one year goal on where you want to be That's the breakdown I focus on the today go every day. I write every morning. I write a journal And every morning I write what I want And how what I need to do to get there So it's not I want a maserati I want to get my dick sucked eight times a day. Well, what do you need to do to get a maserati?

I need to get out of the house. I need to fucking make money How are you going to make money break it down? Write it down for me Write it down for me to the fucking letter. How are you going to make money? And write it down close that notebook and go back and look a month later and see what happens to your fucking life I've been doing it now little by little at the beginning. I was just On the daily, I was just going for help health Forget about money forget about anything else just to stay healthy

Just to keep my quarters all leveled down. So I don't you know people would die You could die from a heart attack right now from stressing out about your bills your small business your money Your whatever I told you there's no debt is there's no debt is prison So the first thing we had to focus on to move forward was our health my health My wife's health and my daughter's health We had to adjust the vitamin d exercise everybody's exercising You know, uh, we're eating right I cut bacon out of my diet took bacon out of my fucking diet I'm down there. You know how much I hate scrambled eggs?

Except we catch up. That's what brings the white trash out of me scrambled that we catch up Oh Fucking delicious with a piece of fucking wheat bread in the morning So I cut my points down for breakfast. It takes me a lot longer So guys listen, I don't just talk to talk. I walk the fucking walk with you guys. I'm here with you And uh, that's it and that's that now the guys decide to make a fucking reverse again. You see that live with Do you see that fucking live with

How long how long how long does this take to go backwards? Listen to this It's all over You see what I'm saying? I can't fucking win. Anyway, I hire them to mess with you. Are you high? You know I hire them to mess with you. I hope you didn't hire them mess with me. Anyway real quick Uh, I love them. They were there for me from day one And once I started using their products and reading about it and talking to joe I really really really enjoy him and that's you got to go to hon it You want to get healthy? You want to go to hon it? You want to start getting healthier thinking healthier?

You got to go to hon it between the alpha brain The new mood the shroom tech the shroom tech immune and sport The protein powders this mctl for your coffee or however you want to do it in your shakes. Listen Supplement wise I love them. Why because they also talk to talk and walk the walk Why because if you don't like the alphabet if it don't work for you, you don't feel better in seven 10 20 days You can fucking tell them. I don't like it They'll send you your money back and you can keep the product do whatever you want with it light it on fire I don't give a fuck when the company makes you that promise

I believe in them because they're backing what the fuck they're saying So do me a favor right now talk is cheap go to honit.com right now. Look at what they got to offer you kettle bells club bats Bro get yourself a 15 pound club bat and go on youtube and learn some exercise See how much fucking fun you have not even I can't do nothing on the club bats or the kettle bells I'll get you 10 off though On the supplements and that's what matters right there alone So go to honit.com right now pick up a little bottle alpha brain

Pick up a little bottle new mood if you're having a rough time and get back to me But do me a favor pick it up before on the way checking out Pressing code church ch u r ch get 10 off and get a delivery house That's how we do it. Okay over it on it number two. I want to talk to you about another company right here Who I love to death why because if it wasn't for them, my wife would be miserable stamps.com listen to me Stamps.com brings the post office into the comfort of your own home skip the line print postage

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Go to stamps.com Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and press in church. Give the hubbis to some work. She's a fucking mailman that kind of sucka Go to stamps.com and press in church and stay safe my friends. Listen First of all, I want to wish all the fathers listen to a podcast A happy father's day from the bottom of my heart and all the mothers because you mother's a part-time fucking fathers too and That's it. That's that. I hope you have a great weekend. I hope you stay safe I hope you stay healthy. I hope nothing gets into your way your mask

Wash your hands. Whatever the fuck they tell you to just do if it's six feet go eight feet Drink your water bang your wife and that's it Spread the love brother. That's all you got nothing to be angry about. You know why your motherfucking alive That's the most important thing. Everything else. There's no dentist prison. Somebody will give you a fucking apple You can always hit somebody in the head, you know something something's always up. I love you guys Thank you very much for listening to the church of what's happened now. We'll see you monday morning bright and early Tip top we'll go ready to go. Stay black. Have a great weekend. Kick this fucking mule You