Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #797 - Felipe Esparza

Episode Date: June 22, 2020

Felipe Esparza, stand up comedian, host of the "What's Up Fool?" podcast, and actor seen in "Gentefied" and "Superstore," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.    This podcast is brought to you by:   CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout on your first order.

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We're going in like fucking green, you understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. Monday, the 22nd, and you're still locked up and you gotta put your face mask on. Take that, cock suckers. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. My guest is my brother, long time fucking gangster, Felipe Esparza, what's up, fool?

Former winner of Last Comic Standing and all that bullshit now. He's just back to being an OG gangster on the road. It's good to have you back. The Christ killers here, we're ready to go for all you motherfuckers that thought you could hold this down, it's over. Listen, the reason why I told my life story on here

was for two reasons, to let you know you could do whatever the fuck you wanna do with your life. It doesn't matter if you have felonies, addictions, whatever, you get your life together to move forward and it's to come clean and use you guys as psychiatrists. So somebody wants to use a tape against me that happened 22 years ago, a tape that has been up for 10 years, how boring is your fucking life?

You know what I'm saying? Get yourself together, I've made amends and I've tried my hardest to be the man my mother wanted me to be. Besides that, I don't know you motherfuckers, nothing to know, comedians and nothing. So without that, that's it. Felipe, fuck to me, bad motherfucker.

What's up fool, man, so glad to be here, man. Canceled culture, I'm sad, bro. It's very sad. I can't even get canceled. No, I canceled myself 10 years ago when I told my life story. I'm not even famous enough to be canceled. And if they do, who gives a fuck?

We're stand-ups, we're not actors, I'm not Jeremy Piven. That's funny, before they were showing the videos, I remember somebody's bad tweets came up from eight years ago. Actually, Melissa Villasenor, when she was about to go on SNL, some Latina, Chicana, socialist, warrior, woke Latinx lady, she says something

about Melissa Villasenor that she said, you know, she's a young comic, she wrote it, she apologized, but she tried to cancel her and try to get her off SNL and I'm like, what? So I tweeted myself, you know, in her defense, I remember I tweeted, oh man, if you ever try to go back to all my tweets, all you're gonna see is really bad grammar.

That's it from the beginning. I can't, you know, people will call you on bad spelling and a lot of people could spell, we just write so fast. We write without dinky, like I don't proof check. Me neither. Sometimes I say, I'm going over there, I might not stay there, it just looks like I'm going somewhere. Why do you think I hate text messaging?

You ever text somebody? I don't text. Why do you think you text somebody and you look up and instead of saying, boy, it's his ball and now they think you're saying something wrong to them or something. So I don't, and I got no glasses half the time. Neither do I.

So I don't even, I got just disconnected the thing. What am I gonna get text messages for? But people could bother me. I don't need to people bother me in text messages. I can't see it. And when I would send back, I don't like people texting me for business. If you're gonna want to do business, you gotta call me.

What's been going on? The worst, the worst text. Hell yeah. The worst text you can ever get or first email anywhere. Can I ask you a question? You just dated your motherfucker. Get to the question. Can I ask you a question?

Or when they text me, can I ask you a question? Or they call me and leave a message. Can I call you and ask you a question? You did text me one time, bro. That was when I was not picking up my phone and you were worried. You said, how many times do I have to call you cocksucker? The truth.

That's true though, man. I've been doing great, man. I've been staying home. I've been walking my dogs. I've been getting up early. Six o'clock in the morning every day. This is the first time you've been home at night and I want money.

Man, this is the first time I've been at home and ever, dude. It's the longest I've been without doing stand-up comedy. How many years have you been involved in comedy? 21 years. Can you imagine that after 20 years shutting your lights out? That's why I understand the pain people are in. That for 20 years they had a day job

and now they got to work out of the house or not work at all. This bothered me at every level because people lost their jobs just like we did. We didn't fucking, you know. We're not better than anybody else. We lost our fucking jobs. When we don't know when it's coming back.

Yeah, they're doing comedy in Texas and Arizona and Florida. They're jumping up and down, but the hospitals are filled up. So eventually they're gonna have to close them. They're gonna push these ones back. So you have to accept that we're gonna live a COVID comedy culture. And then when people say that we're all in this together, then you get the haters.

Oh, really? You make a million dollars a year or you make seven million. You make $85,000. I make $30,000. How are we in this together? People don't understand, man, that people who are in movies just say like, for example, Arnold Schwarzenegger, he makes movies.

He just say movies are in paramount. Paramount is closed, okay? Those producers are still making millions of dollars, but there's still shoeshine guys in that, walking around the studio shoeshining shoes, bro. There's still people out there making pizzas. There's a lot of people who work in the kitchen at Warner Brothers who are out of a job.

So are we in this together or not? And you know what? Let me tell you something. And you've been acting for a while, and I've been acting for a while. Is there any money in acting? Hell no. There's no money.

There's no money in acting. So when you really- I don't care how many times you see me unhentified on Netflix, I only got paid once. Once, you know, it's the weirdest thing that there's no money in fucking acting no more. To be honest, it made me feel not as bad

about like not being rich now, because I can't imagine having a $10,000 a month mortgage or having a Tesla that I have to pay off. Like my company- When people wake up in the mornings and they say, oh, I want to be rich, I wish I was rich. That's a horrible statement to say. I want you to say,

how can I work myself to have money? Not that I want to be rich. People think that because being rich, they, what's the word I'm using for? They think of rich as having no more problems. No more problems. Everything's paid for. When you wake up, you will wake up

and your fucking glass is broken on your car. It just happened, okay? You go upstairs and party does the math in your head. What's it gonna cost you? I got a call in sick for work now. You just lost another 50, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. And the first thing that comes to mind is if I was rich, I wouldn't have any of these problems.

Guess what? You're gonna have 10 times more problems. For years, I sought, I want to be rich. I want to be rich, I want to be rich. And then I figured out that being poor made me happy because the best times I had in my life were hooking up what you want a Tuesday night. When you would tell me, bro,

I got your green burrito, I fought for you, bro. The kitchen was, I got you a green burrito with green hot sauce and pork on top. The kitchen would be closed and the fucking light would still be on a little box with a burrito. It wasn't, I did comedy. When I first started doing comedy, I knew there was no money.

I knew that going in. And I told myself I had for four years, there ain't no money. My first feature spot was 450, opening up for Lori Kilmart in Seattle, feature spot. There ain't no money, there's no plane ticket. They didn't even give you know where to stay. It was 450, do what you want to do.

You stay in a box outside, we don't give a fuck. So I always knew there was no dough in it. But guess what there was, there was compassion. When I went down there, that burrito would be waiting for me, that little green chili burrito. My point is that I couldn't imagine just being an actor. I know, even when we were performing at the improv,

when we were allowed to perform at the improv in the beginning, it was, they were only giving us $15. $15? And we never saw the check because even when we saw the check, it came out of taxes, $7. Oh, I went there, bro, let me tell you a man. I went there for the shrimp fettuccine

and the side bread dog. Those shrimp were huge. I remember when, and they made sure that the comedian that were performing only ate. And I remember one time Joe Diaz had his big plate and he had Gavin and he had Josh. All around, Josh Wolf all around his plate. He goes, come on, cocksuckers.

If body of butt Freeman passes by right now, he's going to take my plate away. What's the Spanish waiter? Oh, man, he's still there. He's still there. You give him $20, you watch him go to work. Is the older gentleman really skinny? Yeah.

Oh, he's always there. He's always the fastest one. He's been there since 1997. In the open, bro. Wow. And his motto is telling Felipe, Al Alden. Al Alden, that Spanish shit.

What does that mean? At your service. That's your service. Oh, shit. And as it's Al Alden, when Al Alden meets you, he comes up to you and says, Lee, say, yeah, come on, stop. Yes, Al Alden.

And he comes and brings you a menu and you feel like you deserve to eat there. No matter if you're going up first in front of a black audience, if you're following Damon Wayans all the way at the end, for one minute, he takes your mind off a comedy. Wait till he brings that bread to the table and you haven't eaten since 3.30 in the afternoon

and he brings butter and then he'll go, you want more bread? Yeah. You know, this is what it's all about. For real, man. This is a comedy. You see the humanities. I will come into the improv kind of fucked up

and I will see him. Like, dude, he's like hunchback, bro, with five plates. Yeah. He one of those dudes, you know, that respects work. Like, you know, like some people, like once their job is done, they'll stand around and do nothing. This guy will find a little broom, bro,

and start sweeping a little corner or wiping a little grief off the side, you know, watching. And he's keeping an eye on everything, man. He's really sharp. And you see him now, I give him a big hug. Don Joey, how's that, Don Joey? Armando, whatever his name is, I give him a big hug. The manager has also been there for 20.

So they're part of the two, right? The little gentlemen, they think for him? Yeah, they just had a thing for him. I couldn't go, it was a Monday, like at six. But the improv, that family over there, that guy is from Boulder. So I hit it off with him right away. He's still the manager there.

The kitchen manager, the floor manager. That'll be a really sad part about restaurants closing. Cause at my now as a server for years. And yeah, a lot of people look at it as like a job you skip over, but you're right. There's some people who take, like those jobs very seriously and like they're amazing servers. And you know when you're there, getting served by them.

And they make tons of money. Tons, tons, because they don't treat anybody like anybody else does. When you have them, you know, you're getting taken care of. You know, last night at two nights ago, I had the baby. We were going home, my daughter, the baby, she's a fucking baby. And I stopped at Yum Yum Donuts.

And some late, you know, people are calling in the donut orders. I want to take them and smack them. This is how white they are, where I live. They actually have the Spanish lady. And again, do you know how Spanish, she barely knows English. And I walk in there, last week I walk in there,

two weeks go up in my door to get her a donut. And there she is on the phone with somebody. Hello, coffee? What do you mean cappuccino? I do not know cappuccino. And the people are like, yeah, we want a double mocha. And then, you know, they show up and this lady doesn't speak English.

She just put cream in your coffee. What mocha? It's Yum Yum Donuts. What cappuccino are you talking about? What frappuccino? What flat white? There's no flat white at fucking Yum Yum Donuts. So they got her on the phone,

talking to Spanish, ordering my glaze. And she's looking and she's going, no, just glazed. And they're like, what about this? And she's like, no, just glaze. I'm dying because they're white. They don't know that she don't even know what they're talking about. No, sandwiches, sandwiches and people.

And all of a sudden I'm like, as soon as I walk in, she goes, hold on, please. And she puts them on hold and she goes, oh my, she'll come right over and take care of me. Let me tell you something. That's the difference. I don't care about the guy calling in the order. I care about the live guy.

He's more important to me. That's money right there. I got to deliver food to this shmacko. A thousand things could happen. I had to pay a driver. I get hit with a bolt of lightning. The money is right there. So take care of me.

You ever walk into a place and the guy's on the phone and you wait for five minutes? Oh yeah. Right there. In my old world, that's fire. You're fired. Or what if they answer the phone when you're there? Oh yeah, when they answer a personal call.

Or that's probably another order. Fire. Or they're in a bad mood, but they're smart. They're bad mood is still when they're taking your order. I feel like, listen bitch. I don't give a fuck how your day is going. When you're working, you fucking give me a little smile. And a respect.

Respect. And taking my order. And you know what? If you're nice to me, let me tell you man. People have been, I see people pissed off. Like they just been yelled at. But then they come back with me and they're really nice to me.

Bro, I put them to listen. Listen man, fuck that guy bro. You're better than this. And I give him a little five or a little 10 bro. Something like that. Or I say, man, you smoke weed? Yeah. All right man.

There's this spot over here where they sell the best shit. I go there at three. If you're there at three, I'll buy you something. Whatever. You know, I want to, you gotta realize one thing that these people, when people gonna get angry that I said this, yes, we opened up too early. A lot of businesses have opened up too early.

Unless you know, you don't know. Go ask those businesses. Go sit outside those businesses and see how much of a change it's made that they've opened up early. It hasn't made that much of a difference. They're still only making anywhere from a hundred to two to three to 500 a day,

which is 70, 80% less to what they're making. They opened up too early. There's no money. There's not that much money going around right now. The average American is in lightness of God's and buying houses right now. You know, they're going from paycheck to paycheck to get unemployment.

God bless them. They're getting their stimulus check. You know, I don't even know how we got to this conversation. This reef is good. We were talking about the little man. What? The waiters who are missing underneath the money. When I go to these, I always thought that, you know,

when these restaurants open, they're having a hard time right now, guys. The weed store, I go to urban trees. I love them to death. Best weed store around. They're having a hard time. People aren't going down there. It's not cause the weed ain't good.

You know what I'm saying? You can see the weed is on fire. It comes to the labels. It's that the money ran out. Cinco de Mayo weekend. May 6th is when people realized what the fuck was going on. And guess what?

Now they're about to pay a fourth rent. Next week, most Americans are about to pay a fourth rent with no paycheck. How do you think that overall morale is? How do you think the fucking, why do you think I come here Wednesday and fucking Monday and Wednesday? Because I know, and I want them to know

that I'm, I was that person. I'm there with you. Our morale is down. We got nowhere to go at night. We think this has been fucking fun and jokes for me. I have been going out every night since 1979. And now you want to come out with cancel culture in the worst time of the world

when we're supposed to be loving people. We're supposed to, you know, all lives matter, black lives matter, all these movements. You know what, man? Let me tell you what, and two people have told me this. This, and I think you're going to tell me this too because I know that what type of man you are. Did you re-fall in love with Lisa over this period?

Yeah. Have you re-fallen in love with Lisa? Right now, two things happen. Either you fucking want to stab your wife and they're going to find her in the trunk. In about a month, there's going to be a bunch of wives missing. We don't know what happened. She went to Ralph.

She never came back. Watch. Either you fell in love with your wife again or you hate that person. You saw them for what they are. In my house, we re-fallen in love with ourselves. Our family became stronger. And guess what happened this weekend over the weekend?

I got an email from Tammy Pascatelli. She goes, I hope you saw what happened over the weekend. The church family came out. This isn't an internet group. This is a state of mind. This is a family. And I appreciate this. This is a church.

It's a beautiful thing to see. It's a beautiful thing to see. And I owe you motherfuckers at all your heart because you know I've had more women in that chair than most podcasters do. I put a ton of women in that fucking chair and I give them a voice and ask any of them if any time they had to do anything.

And there's been some women that sit in that chair that have been pretty loose women. Ask them. Ask them if they fucking anything has happened here, whatever. So before you, you know, you, once that dude got in trouble, that fucking the guy who was the judge

for choking the girl in college. Yeah, Kevin. I knew when, when Kavanaugh got called out by something he did 29 years ago. The Supreme Court guy, okay. I set the clock. I swear to my mother. You've been saying it for years.

I set the clock. I go, when is this gonna end? Because somebody's gonna have to find one of these videos one day. The problem they have is that I don't give a fuck. They don't cancel me. I cancel them. I'm saying the truth about my life.

Whether you accept it or not. How come for years, Felipe, for years, I read little things. Joe Diaz is a liar. Joe Diaz is a liar. Those stories are full of shit. How come that story wasn't full of shit? They took that one to you.

You know? And if I'm such a bad person, you worried about a girl that sucked my dick 22 years ago? Or how about the guy putting the trunk of the car? You never said nothing about that. You never brought that up. Or, or, or, or what they say. Or, or, or this time when they said it wasn't a lie,

they didn't say, they didn't even know the year. Every time they say you're a liar, bro, that didn't happen in 1983. That didn't happen in 1979. Or, how about this? When I was thinking about everything that was going down with you and the only thing that ever felt bad, even when you had to show it for Lisa Michaels

and you stole that transgender person's wig. Yeah. And they're very expensive wigs. Yes. And you felt bad for it. Yes. Because later on you got your ass kicked. Don't get so terrible about that.

You can not be responsible. You are responsible for what you did when you're 18. I'm not going to hold you responsible. Unless you rape somebody and kill somebody. Fuck that dude. Again, you don't know what you're doing when you're 18. You saw a movie, whatever. I'm not going to send you money in prison

because you're in your own fucking personal house. But I'm talking about, if you hit somebody in the head with a bottle when you're 18 and now we're 50, that person lived, you lived, everybody lived, everybody lived. You don't keep hitting people in the head with bottles. We're cool. And my book, we're cool.

I've done things. I've done one thing. It didn't feel right and I moved on. You know, I love women. I was raised to love women. I was raised to love, I love women. Shell, shapes, all sizes. Some I had fun with, some I didn't have fun with.

But none of them ever could complain that it's something that they didn't want. You know what I'm saying? I'm not a criminal, I'm not a sexual deviant. If you call me a criminal, that I am. If you call me out and say 30 years ago, I robbed your purse. Oh fuck yeah. That probably happened.

I probably did rob your purse to the supermarket because you turned your back. You wouldn't ask for fun. You wouldn't ask for co-cuts and left your purse open. Look at that. So I got to rob you and left the wallet sticking out. I got to rob you because you're a dumb fuck, you know. Do I regret it?

Oh, with all my fucking heart. I was a stupid kid. That's what your dirties are for, so get it together. The fuck is wrong with these people, Felipe? What the fuck is wrong with these people? And in the world of Hollywood, if you really knew Hollywood and you really knew what type of people were out there

and you really seen it, how many times have you seen a famous manager go up to the store? How many women are gonna suck his dick? They all run into him. You can't believe it. Guys too. I remember that when a hot agent walks into the room,

even young male comedians start wearing skirts. They start walking up to him. Can I, how are you? Right. Can I get you a drink? Send him a drink? The part of the bottle. But I would say that all women do that, though.

No, not everyone does it, but the part that bothers me is everyone pretends when they're getting angry about this stuff that they've lived a perfect life. I didn't say anything on Twitter. I'd try to, because when all this stuff happens, I'm like, it's gonna be over in a day or two. But it's like, I learned from a kid,

you don't throw stones in glass houses. Everyone has something. Everybody has something. And you're forgetting, you're very high and mighty to be like, oh, he's a terrible person. Really, this was so long ago, you're saying that you can't, I would want to have the ability to explain myself

or to be like, oh, I'm sorry that I did that. That was 10 years ago. Like that was 20 years ago. We said it 10 years ago. I have a daughter now. I have all these women that I work with on a daily basis. Yeah, I wouldn't like myself then either. But that's not who I am now.

That's like watching a movie from 100 years ago. Be like, oh, it's very self-righteous. We took it to Texas. How come Wookie Spooky will fucking live and die for me? Yeah, I've had contact with all the Deborah Hubsters, another fucking savage. I've had contact with all these women and you fucking sit there and go, what the fuck?

So for somebody to say that, you have to know the comedy store in 1997. You have to know comedy and you have to know the inner workings. There's no child, molestation and comedy. You know, I mean, let me tell you how bad society is. What makes you wake up on a Monday morning as a 20-year-old girl and go today is the day

I'm gonna write that Crystal Lea, whatever, sent me a picture or whatever. I don't know what the exact story is. This happened four years ago. Am I sticking up for the Lea? Yes, I am and no I am. If he's a pedophile, you know, whatever, but I know Crystal Lea not to do this.

He got a bunch of women, he dated a bunch of women. All those letters that came in on him from 16-year-old, they're from jilted women. You know, every time he showed up at the store, he had two broads with him. I saw it, I saw them sit next to me in Mitzi's seat. They were all fucking overage women that were able and willing.

You know what that means? They were able and willing. Couple of years, weeks ago, Rae Don Chong came out and she fucked Mick Jagger when she was 16. She wasn't mad about it. She said, I got what was coming to me. I wanted it. You know, half of those girls on that sunset strip,

I've never been involved in a situation like that. I didn't like young girls when I was 18. When I was 18, I didn't like 18-year-olds. They talk too much. That's why when I was 19, I dated a 29-year-old for fucking eight months in Colorado. Everybody else was dating young chicks. I dated a 28-year-old that worked for a while.

The first girl I ever made out with, man, she was 23. Yeah. I didn't like young girls. She was a single mom, bro. They talk too much. When you fucked them, they started crying. Oh, the verge. You had to walk them home and rub their back.

I don't know what to do. I don't want that shit. I don't need that in my life. I got to talk to them now all the time. Every time the period was late, I got a call, fucking complaining. Fuck that. Older women, give me a woman that's been brokenhearted,

that's been cheated on. She knows exactly where. Remember, ladies, when you're 21, when you're 18, you have this dream of this man you're gonna meet. And then you go out there and you meet a bunch of fucking mutts. And by the time you're 28, you meet a guy that,

you know what? You never thought you would marry. But after what you've been through, he's a nice enough guy. He's got a nice family and he's got a job and he's not gonna beat you. He's gonna be okay. The guy you dreamed about at 18

and the guy you married at 28 are two different fucking guys. And it's gonna be the guy that's closest to what your dad is. You're gonna, without seeing it, you're gonna see it years fucking later. I know, man. All young women marry their fucking dads.

Really? People were like, for like, like, eventually they'd be like, I will watch movies. And I would say like, okay, I have to cut a chick, I want it. Cause that's the one you've seen in a movie, you know? That's the one that Tom Cruise took.

Or you want the, I'm gonna say for a girl, you know, you want a guy like Tom Cruise. You know, but every once in a while, man, you gotta settle for a couple of Luis Guzmán's. Yeah, time to time. You gotta settle for a couple of Felipe Esparza's. Yeah. A couple of Bush Escobar's.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Okay, we'll go that far. I was my man, butch. You know, butch is good, bro. He really, Bush Escobar put out this awesome tweet, you know, this awesome Facebook post, the first time with the pandemic, and he put himself up there, you know,

where he stands in comedy, you know, with his comedy roles in the lead, to kind of, when you and I were talking, man, if you were doing concerts before, it ain't gonna happen. It ain't gonna happen. So he's gonna put that, you know, if you're doing comedy clubs, headlining,

you know, your rooms are gonna be smaller. If you were doing one nighters, what the fuck are you gonna be doing? That's what he was, that was pretty much his post. It's crazy. It's crazy because if you were doing like corporate gigs, there's no more corporate gigs. Nobody's gonna put all their corporate people together.

Everybody works together in a factory for one comic. I believe, did you see what happened? College gigs, either. After what's going on with all these comics, it's gonna be hard to book another comic in your college. Did you see what happened with the Philadelphia Phillies? No. They got people that died just,

no, did you see what happened in training camp? Yeah. What happened? Six or seven players. In Orlando, right? Wherever they're playing. No, no, no, major league baseball. Yeah, spring training.

Spring training. But yeah, that's not gonna be good either. Well, listen, Felipe, in my heart, I feel a couple things. I feel COVID is real, you know? I hope that it's watered down so guys my age don't get fucking murdered. I believe in wearing a mask.

I believe in all that stuff. But I also believe in something. I believe that once you put eight people together, something different happens. Oh yeah. I don't know why. I know four people were in a room and three of them got it in New York.

Michael Yeo, Jeffy Gullion, and Lisa Lampinelli's ex-husband, Frankie Big Balls, whatever his name is. He's a great guy. I just forget his name right off the beat of Big Balls, whatever. So it's proven you can get it in a room like us, but that's why I don't want,

that's why I'm your writer. You have to put down, I only wanna deal with one person when you go to Houston and Dallas, okay? You wanna deal with one person. The guy that picks you up at the airport, cars gotta be sanitized by a little light salt can so you spray it in his fucking face

so they get the hint. And no more five people knocking on your door. Hey, Felipe, good to have you here. Hi, Felipe. Oh my God, we're so happy to have you here. How has it been? Yeah, with me and Lisa. Hi, I'm your waitress.

Here's your menu. If you need something, let me get it to you. Okay, so what were you saying? Hi. I'm a young comic, can I do five minutes? I'm Mike, the emcee. I wanna know how much time you were gonna do up front. I don't know, about 40, 45.

Okay, thank you. So what were you saying, Felipe? Hey, my name is Don. I wanna know how much, what music you wanted to come up to. That's seven people you already had contact with. So I wanna cut that out. They're gonna have one COVID, these get you everything. You get the menu emailed to you,

you call the improv and say, I want this before the second show, this, this, this. You know, I need for them. Right now, anybody knows that works in offices. We were talking about it the other day. And we talk about it here the other night, that you work in an office, after a certain amount of floors,

they treated a certain way. So they're telling you to cover your computers and they put your paperwork away. Because now on the guidelines, you have to spray offices with a certain chemical. And it's gotta be clear for 20 minutes to kill all the air in. Comedy club's gotta do that in between shows.

You can't have 275 people in there, put them out and put a fresh 275 people in. Can't do it. I don't want them. They're not gonna come to my shows. That's why I'm only gonna do single shows at night. I'm starting out with single shows. Cannot fucking do double shows.

Yeah, why? I'm an old man. I don't want to risk my audience. And why? So I'll just do Brea and Oxnard, until we figure out what we're doing. And then when I come into a comedy club, I tell them the same.

For the first weekend, I just want to do the early show. I'm an old man. I don't want to be responsible for the second show. You want to put the second show in here? They have to do what Plains is supposed to do. When you get off a plane, I don't care if the flight's delayed.

I want a guy in there with a hazmat suit spraying everything down. It'll make me feel better. It'll make everybody feel better. I'm not saying I still can't get COVID, because one of the guys I'm flying with can have COVID on the plane. So, but I want to lower my percentages.

And this is all you're doing in this time period, is lowering your percentages of getting it. Don't go to supermarket at three. 200 people already went in there. Go at eight when it opens. You're the first one in there, breathing. There's not even lines anymore at supermarket. People running out of money.

Yeah. Supermarkets are empty. The days of lines are over with. Food bank lines, I get in a food bank line. Yeah, because there's no money. A big line, we're all, a big lines. So, you know, we're going to have a hard time for a while. I don't mean to scare people,

but that's why, you know, I understand what's going on out there. I understand the heartbeat of why somebody would look at a tape from 10 years ago and say, oh, I got to put this up today. I'm fighting for what are equal rights. I thought it was Black Lives Matter. We were still talking about Black Lives Matter last weekend.

What happened? How'd you switch flavors? So you went after, you went after the Leon Monday, somebody else on Tuesday, oh, Danny Masterson, which he deserved. Yeah. I would throw that fucking Scientologist. I told you the Scientologist.

From the 70s show, right? That's why the Scientologists were quiet. Remember I said to you on this podcast. That's right. I said to you, I said, everybody's raised their hand. Except the Scientologists. They're not donating to Black Lives Matter. They're not doing nothing.

That's why they were quiet because they were ready for their fucking head Martian to get arrested. Danny fucking Martian head, whatever his fucking name is. Danny Masterson. Danny Masterson. And if you saw our boy, Crystal Lee, out on my door, Crystal Lee, it got.

He stayed trending even after Danny Masterson and Danny Masterson raped three women. Why? Scientologists took that shit down. They made the call. They paid the envelope. He got out in 30 minutes, Danny Masterson. They put up a 300, they put up,

his bail was 3.3 million. They put up $300,000. That's nothing to them. That's somebody's backyard. That's Travolta's backyard. Wow. Travolta's like, I don't want to put the money out. I've had five horrible movies out in a row.

We'll tell them about them in Susan, Europe. I'll be glad to have a brand new one. That's how Scientologists get you. When I knew the Scientologists had been too quiet for too long. Where's Isis? Isis, they're out of the game. They just fell apart.

They're pimping. I just read an article about them. They sounded underage girls in Mexico. In fucking cube or something like that. I swear to God, they're pimping. Isis? They're kidnapping women and selling them. Now is when you destroy America.

I said this four weeks ago. They would have showed up at that rally in Hollywood last week in front of Man's Chinese Theater. One guy on top of another guy's shoulders with bombs on him. And they both go, jeez, this one with a big trench coat? And they pull the fucking thing. Hold on one second. It's my man Nick Duturo on the podcast live

with Felipe Esparza and the Christ Killer. What's up, what's up dog? Nothing, they tried to take me down, but they couldn't. The church family fucking stood up and told them all to suck my dick. That's how we do it dog. So a bunch of people, some communists. Let me call you when I get out of here.

I love you. I'm good, I'm good. They could all suck my dick and call me shorty. Stay black. What do you want to do? You want me to roll over? I can't roll over. You know, people got mad at me for fucking putting Ari on.

22 years, you're my brother. You're my brother, it's too late. We already, it's too late. If you go down, I go down with you. And if I go down, I don't know what you want to do. I'm happy you came on the podcast live because that proves to people how we stand together. We ain't fucking around here.

No, I ain't no comic from Signing Out Live that said something wrong on a podcast four years ago. You're not gonna bully me dog. Not now, you're not gonna bully me. You could have bullied me 15 years ago, but now you're in no danger. We got what's called freedom. I'm gonna point my life where there's nothing to cancel.

What are you gonna cancel? My phone bill. What are you gonna cancel? Sprint, I've been with them for 16 years. Don't even tell you to go fuck themselves. I'm loyal. 16 years I've been with Sprint. 2000 fucking four.

I got the phone service before a Dodger game with my check from Spider-Man 2. Yeah. When I got my check from Spider-Man 2, I got a phone. I went to the fucking place where they give you prime rib in Hollywood, that's well known. Mousseau and Franks? Mousseau and Franks.

My wife, I took two friends. We ate the pot roast, the book thing, with the check. That was the biggest check I ever saw in my life for Spider-Man 2 when I did it. It was 14 days. I dipped a ton of fucking prime rib in the horseradish and then from there we went up to Dodger Stadium and I sat there minding my own business

and there was a father and a son in front of me. You know how the seats are staggered so you don't sit behind somebody. You're staggered, you know what I'm saying? So I'm sitting like this and my legs open and I feel a little rumbling in my stomach. And I feel that horseradish and that fucking horse meat they sell you

at Mousseau and Franks getting all put together and all of a sudden, Philippe, I started farting but they were perfect. They were ricocheting off the chair and they were going in between the father and son team, right? And then it would spread like the coronavirus, like a fog and it would surround the heads. The people I was sitting with couldn't take it.

They were covering their faces. This father and son team would just sit there and after about three minutes of just... I'm just inhaling this fart. The father and son team would just look at each other and then they would look back at the game. Now by the looks of everything, the kid had a glove. He was one of those idiot kids

that thought he was going to catch a ball but too bad we're sitting up with the Puerto Ricans. Fucking Sammy Sosa could hit a ball up there. I'm sad, like we're up there where the fucking muscles don't run. We went to a Dodger game with somebody good and those were the only tickets they had, Philippe, up in the top.

So you're in the top deck. You got nothing up there but a coat. Oh, you're going to catch this fucking coat on his cousin? It's full of the top. I don't know if you went to the top of the top and take a Dodger Stadium. When there's a lot of people that's hot and it's right by eight o'clock,

just a shit little mosquitoes. Bro, and you got to take the elevator up with 20 people that got COVID, that third floor never again. So what about the fucking All You Can Eat section? I don't know nothing about that. I don't sit in that section. So I don't know, people take backpacks,

they take hot dogs. I fucking, I'm sitting there and I'm blowing every 20. I'm blowing one of these fucking horrible horse raps. Are you trying to get rid of them or are you just having fun? No, I'm just having fun at this point. And the people I'm with, the people behind them, the people I'm with, the three,

I was with my wife and two friends and they're like, Jesus Christ, Joey. But the two people in front of me, the father and some team, Felipe, every time they fought it, they would tighten up. I wouldn't even, they were silent. They weren't making noises. They just stunk horribly and the wind was blowing mildly

so they just surround you. You ever been smoking weed outside? And the smoke goes around you. The fart was going around them and they couldn't take it no more. And every time they kept looking at each other, finally the kids' glove went down and about the six ring, he started blasting,

two winning and finally the father and some looked at each other and they just got up and walked away, bro. They left the game. They couldn't take the fart. You shouldn't get canceled for your farts. Your farts are pretty terrible. Oh my God. Rodrigo Torres, man, he farted in New York city

but after a show, they went to this club with Luis Guzman and Toby Hicks and they were just at this nightclub and they were in a tight little club. It was hot and Rodrigo farted loud but nobody heard him because of, right? Dude, it smells so bad, it cleared out the whole club.

Talk the fuck. You can hear Puerto Rican going up, coño. The fucking go. Que olores coño. Bro, the fuck. Puro, puro, huerco. The garlic pills I take will put you on a different planet.

Listen to me, I had an N95 mask on at the park at the beginning of this with my daughter and one day I farted when I was sitting there and I smelted through the mask. I didn't know if the mask was cheap or if my asshole was that good. You know what I'm saying? Like you're sitting there going, I don't know what's what.

I don't know if the mask is a Fugazi or my fucking asshole is that much stronger. I don't even know what we talked about in this podcast. But I've been like, the worst farts are the one where you're like, been partying for three nights straight. You've been wearing the same fucking socks and I remember coming home and it was one of those nights that you were just calling me constantly

and you know I was fucked up and I was never turning your call. And then you leave angry messages, encouraging messages, you fucking cocksucker. You're better at this. You know, you gotta be smarter than the white guys. You gotta be smarter than the black guys. You gotta stay focused.

Everybody wants to see you go down. So man, I remember man, my stomach was hurting real bad because I had a fucking burrito at Siete Maris. It was like a fucking al pastor burrito with a lot of salsa. And I went to sleep, I drank two horchatas. I had nothing in my body but that food. I turned on the fan real loud, well real loud, real high.

And now I found a sleep and man, I was farting in my sleep but the fan was throwing everything in my face. So I was dreaming, bro, that I fucking, that someone threw me in a septic tank. Well, I love that. Like the stinkier my fart is, I love it. But whenever Joey farts, I have to puke.

His beef is strong. I don't fuck around. He should be canceled for that fart the one he just said, man, but not just stadium. Oh my God, that was hard. He should have canceled you from being a left field pavilion. He's gotten better too. Now he angles it.

I've always been very good since high school. I know how to bank shot a fart. But I can tell now, every time we turn to the chair, like 90 degrees, I'm in front of me. But I've also bent over. I've done, I've done the Chinese fart in front of you. I've done doves, I do stretches. I've been fucked up.

I do a kidney stretch, I do a kidney stretch fart on you. How do you stretch your kidney? Because I got the idea, I learned it from the Chinese. Did you say, what the fuck there? What if the YMCA, when you were doing Pilates? I fucked people up at the YMCA one time. I fucked people up. The biggest fuckup I ever had was on a bus in high school

on the way back from a basketball game. I blew three farts that were the worst things you ever smelled in your life. And when I saw the Chili's crying was when I knew I had achieved success when the Chili's were crying. They're like, please, whoever's doing this, stop. This is terrible. When I saw those girls crying, and I still remember

the girl that was crying at my farts. Her name was Lori Rosa. I think that's her name. She got like a butch Patrick hair, dude. I still remember her and another bunch of butch Patrick hair. A little white girl's crying. Like the proudest thing, I remember seeing you so proud.

You're like, I'm making Chili just crying. Fuck him. Fuck him. I was having sex, you know, and I was wired out. And, you know, you get real nasty, bro, it's dark. And you're doing like, you're doing bad stuff. And this girl farted in my face when I was down there. But you know, man, you could either ignore it

or keep going, bro. So I ignored it. And what if with my mouth, bro, like my mouth was a bong, bro. And then later on, she looks at me all pissed off. Well, you're mad. And I made a joke about it. I said, cause you ate my cheesecake.

How do you know, bitch, you know, you farted cheesecake in my mouth. When you, when you, when you're having sex and whatever. I know when I was young, I used to date a girl early on and she would, she would have pussy fart when she, orgasm, that's whatever they call it. She would fart a little bit and then she'd look embarrassed. We only messed around.

She was a queer for like Tiffany Hettish. Yeah. She did it on stage, bro. But queer from your, women are queer from their pussy, don't they? No, this girl farted a little bit because she got overexcited and she would tell you, I'm sorry and you would feel bad.

Like you were a little cute when I'm a little cute one. That's the first girl. I think that's like the second or third girl they ever messed around with. Like I haven't really messed around with. She got overexcited and farted. I was probably 18, 19, maybe. Maybe.

So yeah, it hasn't fucking, the hits don't stop. You know what I'm saying? What are you gonna fucking do? What do you think about tour of Felipe? You think you, what do you want to do? What if they cancel these two Houston tours? Wow. Are you prepared?

I mean, if they cancel these two shows, I'm good with that, man. We'll see. But all my shows right now are being pushed to 2021. And I don't have a tour set up or nothing. I do have a special that's gonna come out. I got, I lucked out. I was telling Lee before you got here that I got to shoot

my special the day after Colby Bryan died. He died on Sunday and we shot my special on Monday and Tuesday. The 26th. Yeah. The 26th and 27th. And it was, man, people were still sad at my show that day. And then we couldn't, we don't have rights for,

for memorabilia. So we had to tell some people at the door, you can't wear the Laker jersey. Cause it can't be on screen. I know he died. And then we would have to go to his car and put on another shirt. We shot two special.

The first one was in English and the second one was in Spanish. You were the first comedian on Netflix to shoot a Spanish special. Congratulations, Brett. Yeah, man. And how, where was this at? We shot it at the, I don't know, the, the old galaxy theater.

Okay. I think it's called something else, but now it's called the, the science center. Where's this called? The observatory? I don't know. In orange, right? Yeah.

That was the old galaxy that we used to do comedy at. For Clyde. Was this the place where they used to serve food? Yeah. Like it was a dinner theater. It was, it was the guy, the same guy named Clyde. He will book the galaxy theater and he will book the coach house in San Juan Capistrano

and Santa Barbara. The galaxy was by the Irvine improv around that neighborhood. Santa Ana. Santa Ana. And it was. It's called the observatory now. And it used to be like, this is 97. Yeah, man.

This is 97, 98 we're talking about. 100 bucks. 100 bucks, Thursday night. There was like a piano guy. There was like a comedian. A green room player. And I remember that I did comedy with a guy that was one of the most interesting comics I ever seen.

Somebody told me that when I, before I went down there, somebody called me and they said, the guy you're working with tonight was gonna be a star, but the angles didn't adjust right. And he never became a star. There wasn't as many options as there are today. And when I worked at this guy, I forget what his name is,

I forget whatever happened to him. He blew me away. Like that was the first guy. I'm like, I was already in LA. I was already watching Wendy Liebman. And this is at Irvine? Yeah, at that. You talking about Jeff Jenner?

No, this was at that particular era, the galaxy. Yeah. The first time I ever played the galaxy, I worked with a comic that had been a legend. He just didn't do TV. He didn't break through no drug habit, no nothing. He was like a family guy. And at the end he played the guitar

and he got a standing ovation and I opened for him. And I remember somebody called me and said, you're opening up for such and such tonight. He's an old timer. He's been around a long time with Kenison, those guys. But he always kept it low key. His wife was something big, so he didn't want to travel. But wait till you see him.

He's one of those type of killers. So I remember I was driving to St. Anna and it's the 405-22. So it's the 405 South. Yeah, 405 South. Okay, I was not good friends with him yet. Me and him had exchanged hellos for about six months. Okay, and he had acknowledged me a few times

or whatever and one night you have to go to 101 North to the 405 South, right? And I got on the 101 North, I was living in Hollywood. And I'm on the car, I'm on the 101 North and I pulled up with a bumper. And who do I pull up next? We were not good friends at this time at all. And I just happened to look to my left.

And it was Joe Rogan and his Supra. Oh, damn. And he was coming from taping news radio, rehearsing for news radio on Thursday night. And I'll never forget that I pulled up and I looked and it was Joe and I beeped the horn. I thought he was gonna ignore me. And he lowered his window and he goes,

what's up, bro? Where you headed? And I go to Galaxy, D to do comedy. He goes, where's that? And I go, I don't know. That's when you had the book? Yeah, the Thomas Guy. The Thomas Guy.

I go, I don't know. I'm going to his gig. He had the Supra with the red rims. He was already fucking killing it. Young, tons of hair and he goes, will you be at the store tonight? And I go, yeah, I'm going to go down there and then come back and go to the store.

And he goes, wow, you're going to do two spots tonight. You're driving an hour each way. And I go, yeah, that ain't shit. We were just talking, bumper to bumper. And when I raised my window, that's the first time I think he realized that I was serious about what I was doing. And after that, we became friendly.

That was the first real, we were friends from the store. Like, hey, how you doing? Good to see you. I didn't know what news radio was. And I was too scared to ask anybody because I thought they think I was a retard. When I met Joe, I thought Joe worked on a show that did the news on the radio.

Please don't ever repeat that to nobody. I thought Joe Rogan was like, Joe, what do you have to say? Well, it's going to be sunny out there tonight with a touch of haze. And that's what I thought Joe did. So I didn't really know. And then maybe two weeks after that, I go, hey, bro, do you mind if I come to a taping of one of your shows?

And he's like, yeah, call this number. And I call that number and let the message, and they call me right back. And he goes, I left you a ticket to go see me. And I went down there and I sent the audience like everybody else and I watched and that was blown away. It's always cool, man, when you meet a cool dude, you know, a cool comic, like that meeting with Joe Rogan.

And he didn't know him that well. And then he just saw Joe is drive. I remember, man, when I was at the lab factory, I just got off the stage and Sean Wayans, the one of the Wayans brother, he just tapped me. The whole family is beautiful, bro. Every time the Wayans see each other, they always give each other a hug and a kiss,

like real brothers. You don't see that too much, you know? So I said, he said, you're funny. What's your name? I said, Felipe. And I said, what else do you do? I just do this. I'm trying to get like writing jobs.

I lied, dawg, I just, I'm trying to get writing jobs. And then he goes, all right, my brother has the show on at night, the Keenan and I, the Wayans show. You want to write? He goes, I'll give you up. And I said, sure. So here's my number.

I gave him my number on Monday morning. Somebody told me, somebody called me up, hey, Felipe Esparza, you're going to be writing jokes. I want you to submit at least 25 jokes and fax them to me. You have a fax machine and I lied again. I said, yeah. Bro, I went to go look for a fax machine with Joey Medina and it's Sears, bro, an old one.

And I found it and I fucking, I got a like a word processor, a cheap one too. And they will call me every day and I will write jokes every day, 25 and fax them. And I thought that was the coolest thing. I only sold one. They, I never got paid though. But that was cool, man.

I mean, that meeting right there was Joe, he, man, he hooked you up like that. And then I'll never forget that, Sean. He just hooked it up like that. The Wayans have always, they always been good. They're the best people. Let me get some straight here. I don't know their names.

Martin, Sean, Keenan, and the younger ones. I know the one from that did the movie with Bruce Willis. That's, that sounds, Damon Wayans. Damon Wayans. A nice guy. Damon Wayans is, you know, I'm going to reach out to him. You know, I reached out to the guys, Pete Rose. No way.

Yeah. He lives in Studio City. Pete Rose on a, yeah. I want to get him on the podcast. Yeah. That's my man. It's time for him to go into the home of fame. He brought the record of home, hell yeah, it's 492 from Ty Cobb. No, but people just don't get it no more.

We talked about it the next day it was trending because they're talking about how they, the Houston people, the people from the Yankees and Boston, whatever, Kora, I don't know. And I was like, I was just talking about this with Lee. So I went to Pete Rose's page and there's like, for information on how to contact Pete. So I sent an email.

Let's see what happens. I'll send another one next week. What were you saying? I'm sorry. The Wayans. The Wayans were cool people. The Wayans brothers, you know, the two oldest ones, the one who had a living color gave me some tips one night.

They were very encouraging to me at the comedy store when it was a dark place and I was in a bad time. They were the ones that were like, bro, that joke is fucking solid. Dog, the way you went up there dancing, you had me crackin'. You know. That was Damon, right?

Damon, Kenan, those are the ones that were really, they would go up to the hangout with Paul. Yeah. They would go up there to be with Paul Mooney at night. So we had that and Kenan kept coming. Kenan wasn't. Listen, bro. All right, guys, when you get into comedy,

the good thing about comedy is you're always gonna end up somewhere. You might not end up a comic because you, like right now I'm trying to write a book, but I've had a hard time putting my thoughts onto that paper and that's okay. You can't be good at everything. I don't know how to change oil in a car either, okay?

But from comedy, you're gonna learn where you wanna go. Phil Jackson was not the best basketball player of all time. Nope, but he learned how to be a good coach. So Kenan would struggle on stage. You know, he would just go up there. You know, he's a funny mind. It's like if David Chase went on stage, he can't fucking do what he does on the Sopranos

and transfer it to stand up. He knows how to transfer it to a scene. He sees the big picture. Some people see the big picture. With Kenan, you could tell he saw the big picture. He didn't see Jokey Poo's warrant his forte. He would usually come down with David. And Robert Townsend, I think too.

And Robert, they would meet down there. Friends, this is 97, 98. They were tossing at the big transcode of the hat. And then, there he goes, Pavilion. There you go. You wanna talk about fights? I'll give you a fight, Scott Sunker. So, ooh, a little backup.

There's always a tremor. One day you're gonna fall out of your chair while you're doing it. There's always a tremor. You know what I'm saying? As far as they were told, Dougie shut up. He's the last one. Art.

So, it's funny that it would, Damon would go up, Kenan would go up and then Damon. And what happened was Kenan went up one night at the store. This is when we used to get 18 people. So, you had to have four people to have a show. If you went up there and bombed at 1030, people gonna walk, we're gonna lose people. So, the guys that would go up at 12

would be in the back cheering for you. Don't bomb. Because, bro, it was like, if you fucking walk them, we're gonna fucking leave. That's how bad it was. It's like passing up a ton, bro. We needed that 15 fucking dollars. Please don't walk people.

So, we would go up there and watch you and bulldog you. If you went up there and said a bad joke, we would fucking, like, what the fuck, bitch? You're gonna walk these people. So, what happened was this kept happening. People were going up there and bombing and me and a handful of other guys couldn't go up on a Wednesday night.

Because you went up there with your stupid fucking magician jokes and everybody fucking walked. So, one night Kenan went up there and he wasn't having a good night. There's eight people. And Kenan goes up and he's not having the best night of his life. Damon was on after him, okay?

And we were back there cheering for Kenan and he's not going in the direction we want him to. And all of a sudden, you see two people order a tab. They go, tab please. And I'm like losing my mind. And I would never disrespect. Never would I disrespect another comic on stage. One of my friends, Thomas Ward,

remember Thomas Ward? My brother from Detroit. Detroit, him, the other brother, they all killed us from Detroit. Thomas Ward got up and yo, yo, you ain't funny. Get off the fucking stage so us other young brothers could get stage time. And he meant it like, come on man, you bump us

and then you're not funny. Thomas Ward, Thomas fucking Ward took it seriously. Like I remember calling Thomas next thing and he was like, man, what happened to you? And I was like, man, how's a brother going to take stage time from a fucking brother? You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to make my little 15 motherfucking dollars.

And they got to come in there for they and him and send me fucking Griffin. We had had it by that time because the late crew was getting tortured. We already, you already knew if you were going up at midnight that Palm Mooney was coming. Bro, you would see a night where Palm Mooney did two hours, Eddie Griffin did three,

and then the dice man closed it out with two and a half. Bro, Eddie Griffin would go up at 9.15 and get off at 11.30 when they give him the light and tell him Paul was dead. They'd send him a note. And then he, Paul would go up there and do an hour and a half and Andrew would come in with his cousin. And we'd just sit there all night.

We had a spot. But I know, but see, when I tell people when this happened, don't worry about unemployment. Go get your cash at a supermarket, go stock shelves. Me and Felipe never had that problem because Felipe turned me on to all his buddy's rooms. That paid 50 bucks.

That paid 50 bucks. 50 bucks, 50 bucks, 50 bucks, 50 bucks. That shit adds up bitch. Yeah. Crab burritos, fuck. And on the way home. We had Ralphie going over there too. Ralphie too, and on the way home, King Taco.

That's what you guys didn't know, that you fed me, but on the way home, I made a stop at King Taco and took some home for after the Coke War off. You know what I'm saying? You know when the Coke is going down, you just gotta stuff your face, even though you don't like it. At the end of your Coke High Lee,

to really kill your Coke High, you gotta eat some. But Lee, you don't wanna eat nothing. I mean, they could bring you the best steak from the world and you're like, I don't wanna eat it. You gotta force yourself to eat it, so you can fall asleep. Oh God. So I would take home that food from Taco. King Taco.

King Taco, which Mexicans would tell me don't go there. But to me, they made a chorizo, papa burrito. It's potato and chorizo, smothered in green sauce. Yee, with cheese. I would take that motherfucker home. I remember putting the brakes on, the car, you ever see your burrito fly off? I was like, I held onto that burrito

like a three-year-old child, dawg. I mean it on the floor, but what? My arm was on the fuck, like that thing, like a fuck. Did you ever get a little, a little champorado, a little hot drink? They got something over there, bro. Yeah. They got this shit over in King Taco.

That sounds legendary. They got a security guard there. Oh shit, that motherfucker look like a fucking Sicario, bro. Bro, they don't fuck. He has pistos, machete, maize. Dog, he's got everything, maize, handcuffs, a riot helmet. He knows what type of clientele shows up there.

He's an expert at rally from Tijuana. Yeah, no, no, tremendous, tremendous. I love that. He's seven years old. He falls, we all die. You know what, man? I hope that, I hope that since a lot of people can't travel, or don't want to travel,

I hope that that Mexican scene comes back. I hope that the Spanish, the young Spanish dudes start putting those rooms together. I miss them. I'm not gonna lie to you, but I also don't want to go get ripped off either. I know that they'll advertise Joey Diaz, charge $20, then try to give me $15.

And you get there, and you get pistol. You get to the Al Capucco restaurant in Downey and Joe Diaz ain't there. Yeah, but now I gotta show up. Remember in those days, I didn't know if I was gonna show up. If somebody paid me 80 before, and you had a $50 set of 10,

and I didn't have a set at the store, I already had 80. You know what I'm saying? That's a good number. 80, that's 60 for a gram. $10 for two packs of cigarettes, and the other 10 for breakfast. You know what I'm saying?

80 was the magic number. So if I already had 80 in my pocket. Or if it wasn't a while, I'd be too crazy as shit. Joey, here's $200, keep it. Or I'll use it all on drugs. I had no choice. Dude, that's the only way I can stop.

What's the net, Felipe? You have broken stocks on? I'm gonna make believe I didn't see those. I have plantar fasciitis. Mexicans don't work, or you have plantar fasciitis. What's that? That's the heel of my foot. Okay, you have bursitis.

Something like that, yeah. And then my heel was hurting, like I have nails when I got off the bed. Oh my God, when you go pee in the morning? Yeah. In the morning? So you gotta stand your feet when you have that shit. Because as soon as you sit down,

as soon as you sit down, and you get up, you wanna shoot yourself. At three in the morning. I got that from wearing fucking merengue shoes. When you wear fucking Spanish shoes, when you wear Spanish shoes, those fucking little fact shoes your mom makes you wear. I had those little fact shoes.

I'm not gonna lie to you. Why did you wear those shoes? Because they have no support. Yeah, you have flat foot? No, I'm like half a flat foot, about that plunger. I'm like half a flat foot. But I had that from when I went to prison, I used to run. So you have flat ass shoes.

And it was dirt, and it was fine. But once I got the boulder, I ran the trail, the river trail, and that's concrete. And I developed that thing. And then from, I was a car salesman. So I would wear those Italian shoes. Those Italian shoes are great. You can't be on them on your feet all day.

They ain't jelly. They're good for a fucking first communion. Right. You know, and the dinner, they ain't good to be on your feet for 10 hours. So I got that plan C. That was a fucking pain, man. Did you get the inserts?

I got the inserts, we're all the best. Did they shoot you? I went to Rite Aid, and there's a foot machine right there. Like an electric one that measures you. So I got it, I didn't give a fuck. But I got it on my bare foot, and it measured my foot and my soul. And then right away it told me what kind of soul to get.

And I got it, and I've been putting that in my shoe. Let me tell you, man, immediately it started going away. Me, me, me. It's completely different. Because my, or before I would just, man, I was standing on top of a golf ball for a while, for that pain could go away. And it was, man, it's going away, man.

Did you get the needle? Hell no. Okay, they give you a needle. My brother-in-law, they do two options. My brother-in-law, at least his brother, he got two, they're called a couple of... Coralzone shots, he got two Coralzone shots. One is for...

Is that what you get? I got one in the left foot, and then I stopped with the Coralzone shots. I figured out that... It's funny, man, when I finally found out what I really had, plantar fasciitis, and you talk about it, I was talking about my podcast, and right away a lot of my listeners said,

I have it too, and they hooked me up with a bunch of different places, a couple of YouTube pages for stretches. The foot store, that's what they're doing. You know, your feet hurt. Let me tell you something. Those shoes you wear, new balances, the white ones are perfect, brother.

These are the shoes I wear, they'll kill my feet. I love them, they're for stage. They're for the stage, they're not to walk around. I'm just a 57, they're not to walk around. If I wear them a lot, I'm done. I gotta wear the new balance. That's an old man sneaker, the new balance with the extra support.

When I went to Columbus, the Columbus funny bone, they have a new balance store, right across the street from the hotel, right on that strip. It's new balances first, then it's a California, what is it? Cheesecake factory. It's all in the same strip,

and one day I walked into that new balance, and that dude, he banged me out for $350. But the shit he gave me for my feet, they never hurt again. So when I fly, I wear the new balances with sweatpants, it's got the inserts already in them. I could walk 20 miles like Jesus, nothing. Nothing, you know what I'm saying?

But now my knees hurt a little bit, it's not the same. Now I'm a little older, now I don't know what the fuck's gonna happen, so I don't really wanna push it with the walking. Sometimes I walk the next day, my heel feels good. Sometimes I walk a lot, my heel doesn't feel good. So fuck, I just left it alone. I'd rather ride my bike anyway, so.

Man, I was dragging my, I didn't know what was going on. I would get up to go pee on the road, and I went to, and I didn't know Lee, right? And I'm walking, hitting the hard floor in a bathroom, and I feel like I'm walking on top of golf balls. Yeah, you have no idea, you have no idea. No, actually no marbles. The first time I went, the doctor would,

he shot me in the foot, and I sat there for like six hours until my color came back. The pain of that needle, because it goes into the ball, they have to shrink that ball. So it's a little ball, it's called a bursar. It's a little ball, yeah. Full of calcium, right?

Full of calcium. Yeah, that build up. It's a fucking, I don't know what it's filled with, because it's filled with shit that I don't fucking know. I just know it hurts the fuck out of your feet, man. What would you do to adjust? You know, anything? Are you happy?

Are you okay with this? With a plant or with a pandemic? No, no, no, I'm talking about just what's going on with life right now. Oh, what I've been doing to adjust, man? Did you, did you, have you accepted it that they might not be a road to 2020? Oh, I accept it, man.

They're gonna be nothing. I know that I'm not gonna be touring 300 seaters anymore this year or more than that for a while. I don't think, I don't know, man. Like at first I joked around about it, you know, like I'm not gonna go out on the road till I start seeing more white shit opening up, like, you know, like crochet class, you know?

Or mega con or comic con conventions. Like when the, like are we gonna have another comic con? I don't think conventions are done. They're done. Cons are done. Remember George. Or I think about the Ontario improv, you know, whenever you were selling a show

that how hot that hallway is, where people are waiting for the next show to come in. That's what I'm saying. You gotta figure those things out. There's no ventilation there. There's no ventilation there. They have to really, I don't wanna go to a show and have somebody hit me up and say, they caught COVID.

I wouldn't listen to all the bad things I've done. That I would feel bad about. That I would feel bad about. Somebody came to a show that listens to the podcast that knows we take this shit responsibly. If you don't feel good, stay home. I'd rather you stay home and tell me you have COVID. I'll fucking send you a video.

That's funny you say that because, you know, I'll fucking make you a video. I'll fucking, of me whacking off or hitting my drums, my balls with a hammer. I'll do anything for you. But I'd rather do that than you come in and infest 100 people at a show that I'm throwing, man. How many sick people have you seen

at your show before though? I've seen a lot of sick people at my show. I've seen people at wheelchairs. I've seen people coughing at the coffin. Wheelchairs don't bother me. I mean, that's just, I love all those people. I have nothing against that. It's the people who come in and they're sick.

You know, we talk about the flu. The flu is a thing that could be cured. But here's the problem with the flu. It doesn't really affect all of us the same way. The same way COVID does. The flu hits you for one or two days and guess what, Lee? I'm sorry to tell you, you got bills to pay. You're an American, you got bills to pay.

So you want me to stay home all week because I have the flu. For an American, if we could walk around and talk on the phone, we're good enough to go to work. So we go to work, we still have the germs in us and the whole office gets sick. We're doing the right thing as Americans and stuff like that.

But as humans, we'll get another people sick, whether it's the flu or whatever the fuck it is. So that's the problem you have. I don't really, really, from what I'm seeing, it doesn't take a genius. I hope nobody's feelings get hurt. But I'm not seeing people being careful. I'm not seeing it.

You cannot be in a bar in social distance, Lee. Me and you could start here. Hey, how you doing, Lee? Very good. Fuck, other appointment hasn't come this week, really? But after we have three drinks, we're gonna get closer and closer. Talk to hugging people again?

How much hugs? Hugging people again and the music. So this is what doesn't sit well with me. I don't ever want somebody to come to an improv show or any other club, whether it's Zadies and Nashville, whether it's a stress factory in New Jersey, and for them to say, bro, you know. But then this is what people don't understand.

Right now, there's two words that people don't wanna get through their head and it's pay, cut. Pay, cut. Pay, cut. Give me the option. I know your room. I'm not gonna mention the name of a club.

I know your room, Felipe, and I know how it sits. We're not putting no 300 people in there for my week. Yeah, Joey, but I need to pay bills. It's 200. Why? Because I don't care about the fucking extra 100 money. I don't want nobody to get sick. I know your room.

You put people on top of people in your fucking room. You bring extra chairs behind my back. How many clubs have you gone to? They put people on top of people. A lot. A lot. And they don't give a fuck about them people. I went to a certain club.

I'm not gonna say the name. He had people standing up. Did I get mad at him? Yeah, because I'm not getting paid on those tickets. He's selling those against my fucking will. But if people gonna be that stupid to stand, then you know, so this is the things I'm avoiding. I don't want somebody to get sick on my show.

You know what I'm saying? I'm not gonna go see nobody until we know what's going on here. You know, we gotta build our immune systems for leaping. If not, we're gonna die. So this is something that you do little by little. How the fuck are you gonna be around me, Leap? How the fuck are you gonna be around Lisa?

Silent Bob, Rizzo and Rocky and Wolfie for six months and all someone put you out amongst 275, 550 people a night with different immune systems. That might get you sick right there because we haven't been around big crowds. We're comedians. I know for a fact a lot of comedians didn't get COVID. You know why?

Because if you travel a lot, you have a tremendous immune system. If you're on a plane three quarters of the year, your immune system is already up. I know people who fly one time a year and they get sick. So that tells me my immune system is up there already, but we gotta rebuild it now. Yeah, we've been keeping it alive.

We exercise, we take vitamin D, we do all that shit, but have you really built up your immune system? That's why we have to start from scratch. I can't be in an office with 50 people. Somebody's gonna get COVID. That's what happened with baseball. That's what happened with the Philadelphia Phillies this week. You put 22 people together.

Eight people gonna get it. We're not even ready. That's why it's gotta be in small amounts, small amounts. Sure, the whole hospital is a full. They got herd immunity the last week or whatever the fuck they got and all those protests. Who gives a fuck?

I'm here for my brother Felipe. I'm here for my brother Felipe. I can't call it no more. I don't know, man. They tried to cancel. They should cancel COVID. I agree. Well, they should cancel everything.

I know, man. My last show I did though, I was in Washington. My last show was the Yakama. And you know, they had the biggest, the biggest. Outbreak. The biggest outbreak was in Kirkland. Kirkland. Which is the Tri City.

And some people actually drove from Kirkland to my show from Richland. All that area. Yakama is the Palm Springs of Washington. That's what it's called. Yakama, Washington, shout out. It's where LA Cholos go to retire. And man, it was so great show.

It was like 12 hundred people. But that was my last show. And I told Rodrigo, we didn't catch it then. We're good, bro. We were in Washington and we flew back in a little tiny plane. But I haven't flown since. And I got a lot of the first couple of three days.

I was scared. I had to cancel my post Malone show with Lisa. I was gonna take her to post Malone for her birthday. And we canceled that. We didn't go to Vegas. And I still been taking my acting class on Zoom. So I'm still good, dog. So you've been taking care of the fucking important shit.

Yeah, man. Working out, drinking water. It's trying to be like Lee. Oh, Jesus Christ. This was a time, this was a good time to reflect. But you know, one thing I've noticed about everybody, I don't know how they did most of America, but I'm just gonna tell you about my neighborhood.

I walk my dog every day at seven in the morning. I walk him every day at six PM. My neighborhood is a ghost town, bro. There's no one ever outside. I mean, it's a fucking ghost town. When we walk alone, nobody, I never see anybody. I never see no one. But there's houses all around me.

Since the pandemic, I've seen fathers and daughters riding bikes together. I've seen moms walking with their dog and their son. I've seen more family time together. I think when these kids later on think about it, what they're gonna miss most about this time is all that closeness you have with your family. Because I'm pretty sure there's a lot of domestic violence

too, but a lot of people, like you got to know your father for the first time. You got to see your father at home, you know? My father was always at work. I never got to see my dad. I mean, I'm pretty sure like a lot of people are getting to know their father. I'm pretty sure it's tough on a lot of dads out there.

They got to raise their kids finally. Yes, a lot of parents had to raise their kids because the nannies wouldn't come in. I listened for me, like I've repeated this. I can't say it enough. We've gotten tighter over there. We celebrate our 20th anniversary, July 1st, and we've been, we can't wait.

We can't fucking believe it, that we've been together for 20 years. So we've been getting tighter over there. It's a different type of tights. When you have a cat, the first three years, you're like, fuck, this cat has been great. This cat's a lot of fun. But once you have a cat seven, eight years,

it becomes something else. He knows when you're having a bad day. He knows when you need him. I had a cat that knew when I was gonna pass out and he jumped on me and clawed me. So I would focus on the claws and I wouldn't pass out. It's the same thing with women. It's the same thing with friends.

We've been around each other, no. I've been sitting here with you for an hour and I've had five people have called from Marge Gibrani to just checking up on me. We have friends, we have family, so it makes this a lot easier. I've tried to be Lee's family during this. Steve Simone, I look after all the single guys.

You have to call the single guys and check up on them. Yeah, I check up on this old comic that I worked with up north. He lives by himself. He's been doing stand-ups in 1970s something. Very funny guy, Larry Bubbles Brown. Okay. Marge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Marge has to do his fuck it hilarious, bro. 76. And then there's another older guy named, why don't I know that older comic, I check up on him, you know? When is your special coming out? I think it's gonna probably come out in the fall.

Okay. We don't know, we don't have a date. Are both of them coming out together? Yes, together. So it's gonna be like Guns N' Roses. Guns N' Roses. Said you're allusion one and two. Really usually it's gonna be like that,

Philippe Baseball. Both of them are coming on the same thing. Yeah, but they're gonna be separated. They're gonna be together in one special, one will be English, one will be Spanish. That's fucking phenomenal. You know what, man? And I work hard, man.

I know you do. I did a couple of Spanish shows at the comedy store. I've been going to Tijuana for a while. Yeah, I was going to Tijuana, Mexico once a month for a year with Rodrigo and Martin Rezo. When you went and did the special, were there a lot of white people in your audience? Yes.

Were at the Spanish special? They showed up and they left. They didn't know they were going to be in Spanish. See, that's what I was scared of with the Spanish shows. People didn't see that. But in the beginning, people didn't know it was gonna be in Spanish, so they would show up. So what I did was I found out at the comedy palace.

You ever been there? Yeah, in San Diego. Yeah, I used to go to another place. I used to go there to eat. That place paid $200, $150, and it fed you gyros. That was the first time I ever had a gyro, bro, I ever had goat meat. That's right.

Yeah, man. Then when I did it, they used to put on a cup. It was called the Greek palace. The Greek palace. And then the kid took it over. Yeah. And then they still sold gyros, but they would pay you from the bucket.

And you have to stay outside after the show and stand there. I had already done the longest yard, but I needed the money for cocaine. So they offered me a gig, and they gave me like a sort of a guarantee. But if we make more, I'll give you more, and I did good. But I remember that was the hardest money I ever took.

Money out of a bucket that people put in a bucket. That's hard money to take. That's embarrassment money. But the addiction made me take it. That's the last time, then the guy that used to run it got a TV show, and he got some of the reality show, and he fucking reached out to me like three years ago. I like it.

They're coming to audition for it. Go fuck yourself. I know you're 20 years. Go fuck your mother, I'm gonna come audition. Either you give it to me or not. It was some stupid fucking reality show. Who the fuck knows? Felipe, we've done a lot of gigs together, brother.

My shit load, man. God damn, Felipe. You reached right out to me when I came. We gravitated right to one another, and fucking Willie used to get pissed. That was your shit, bro. We made it out of the Laugh Factory. The Laugh Factory on a Monday night.

I still think about Maryland. I still think about all those times. I tell Lee constantly to hit those guys up. That's where you learn to do comedy in this town. It's not in the open mics. It's not in the comedy clubs. It's at those fucking Orange County sandwich shops. That's where you learn to do comedy.

That's George Perez's sandwich shop. That was tremendous. George Perez had a great shop. Listen, Sebastian Satina ran some great rooms. Acapulco rooms. Acapulco rooms. What are Acapulco? Castle of Tina.

Yeah. Acapulco. The rest of Acapulco restaurants. The restaurant chains. You know how many fucking, that one on Sunset? That's the one now. What's the name of it now? The second more tavern was the original Acapulco.

Oh, that's right, right there on Sunset, dude. When I first started doing that on comedy, come on, I want a contest there. Yeah. I brought all my friends from the projects, bro. And then they had one in Silver Lake. Wednesday nights. So if you stayed on Sunset,

and you go, forgot about that, towards the fucking Scientology building, then you make the, you see the movie theater on the corner, and you make that left, and that right in the Silver Lake, 50 yards, that was an Acapulco. Damn.

So we used to hit the all you could eat. The all you could eat lunch. So good at food, dawgs. Without the dog. All you could eat lunch, the cheese enchiladas. We went there with the Mexican rice, and the soup and shit with the chips, and the all you could drink iced tea.

We went there after a minute in the funeral. That's the first place I ate dinner in, when I moved from Seattle. Wow. Me and the girl stopped there with the trailer, on Sunset, and then we went to Fairfax. We took a shower in the fucking trailer, and we ended up going to the comedy store,

then back to Doug Stan's house. And we parked in front of Doug Stan's house with the trailer. That's the first dinner I had in LA when I became, when I came into LA January 27, 1997, I pulled up at seven o'clock. We made it through Rush Owl. We exited Hollywood on Highland,

and we said, where's the comedy store? That's the, that was it. Where's the comedy store? She looked it up in the Thomas Guide. We went to, we said the comedy store is still not open till eight o'clock. We said, fucking. Let's go to Al Capucco.

When we took showers, there was a shower that spit out like three pounds per minute. It was garbage. It was like a drain. In the comedy store? No, in the fucking RV we had. When I drove from LA, we drove from Seattle. I drove in an RV with a car behind us.

In the fucking shower, you had to fill it up with a hose, the thing, and then it would fill it up, and then you had like three minutes to take a shower, with medium water spitting it. And we took a shower and went over to the comedy store. Soon as I walked in, I saw Eddie Griffin and the black guy from the Black Dragon. You know, the guy that played Tumac?

Yeah. The star of that. I went inside. I went on stage. Who was on stage? Don Barris, running the open mic. And then I went outside and I saw Wills Parisi, and I remember him opening up for Andrew Dice Clay

and I almost lost my fucking mind. Wills Parisi. So just thinking about that guy. I opened for Wills Parisi in console beloved Iowa. Remember that casino gig? Yes. And man, Wills has gained, bro, for a big guy. I've heard of him, I've never met him.

He loved Asian women. And he hooked up with a front desk chick, bro. He told her he was in a sopranos. How are you? How doggy? If you let that boy tell you, he'll go. Let me get the lighter. If you let that boy tell you a story.

I remember one that he had. Will tell a good story though. Bro, he'll tell you he was in Goodfellas. What scene were you in? You know, the one with the. On the career though, you know. He wasn't even in the fucking neighborhood. On the way yellow jackets, you know.

He says he was on a Leatherman. They've threatened them to find the tape. It's out there. It's out there. Those are the best times in my life having conversations with him, cause we were just. Yeah, part of pop culture. Aren't you in Goodfellas?

I mean, good. He's in the Godfather. He's in Goodfellas. He was at the wedding scene in Godfather. He's got more stories than a book. He's been in more movies. Just nobody has seen his roles. They just skip over the movies.

I've never seen anything like that in my life. I'm happy you came in for a nice little Monday chat. You made me feel good. I felt a little bots, especially after the rough weekend with these people and stuff like this. Listen, at this point, I don't give a fuck about what happens. We still run the podcast.

We got the church. We still do our game. We got the church right. And that's all you need. And I'll be back on the road. I didn't know anything about fucking movies or film if I offended anybody from the Sopranos. I'm sorry if they don't want to use me or whatever.

And if I offended, you know, anybody else, whatever. What can I tell you? This is what we do here. We, when you watch a movie from the seventies, you know why they're so good? Because they disturbed you. The exorcist disturbed you. Yeah, man.

The Godfather disturbed you. The fucking, the getaway. When Steve McQueen beats on his wife, it disturbed you. All these things disturbed you, but it took you somewhere. It opened up a different door in your mind. When I come here and I fucking spew my shit. That horrible, bro, so speedy. Yeah.

When I come here and spew my shit, I'm not spewing hate or anything. I'm spewing my life. And the mistakes I made, so you guys know what direction you could take your life. I mean, look at, look at Animal House. They had a girl, they were making out, she ended up being in high school.

Like in a different time, that story you told that got you in trouble could be like the opening scene to your movie and people love it. What are you gonna fucking do? You know what I'm saying? What are you gonna do, man? You're not gonna please everybody all the time. But you know what?

You could be yourself. You want to penalize him for me being me? God, I don't give a fuck. You're not going nowhere. These people aren't buying it and neither are me. So it's over. Well, you know why? Because we canceled it.

I don't give a fuck. You can't intimidate me. Now, now, I did my time. I did my time and I'm gonna get what I got when I get, right? That's why this isn't good, fellas. I did my time. I got mouth to feed. I did what I was supposed to do for this country.

I was a felon. I did my time. I came out and I took my life in a different direction. Did I make mistakes along that way? Yes, I did, but I still got to where I'm going. And the message is still loud and clear. I don't give a fuck if you think you're retarded. You could do what the fuck we're doing.

We're no geniuses. These actors you see, they're no geniuses. They're insecure retards just like me. I'm an insecure retard. But we put something together. So if I could do it with no family, no mother, no father, no education, can you imagine what these people could do with everything they got?

We don't have what most people have. So if we could do it, you got to go for it. We're both fucking ahead. Listen, man, a lot of people say, oh, so I'm going to use drugs. I'm going to do all this to make it. You're lucky, bro. You don't have to go to none of that shit. You don't have to go to none of that.

He's telling you these things so you won't go through that. So fuck you. But you want to do it. That's up to you, cocksucker. Fuck them. What's your next date? Promote your dates. I'm going to be July 3, 4, and 5, San Antonio, Texas.

July 16, 17, 18, Houston Improv. Over there with what's his name, the same people there. Houston Improv, man. Oh, man, if they would have seen this shit, we did it at the last stop. They would have put us in jail, though. They would put us in jail. Well, that was one of the best owners, though, man.

Pete was a real nice guy. I love Pete. And Pete brought that young kid who didn't speak no Spanish. And by the time they closed, he spoke better English than most people. David? David? David.

I still miss David. I lost his number somewhere along the line. We got disconnected. Remember his cousin with a horrible weed? His cousin had good coke. He had horrible weed, but that motherfucker had that cartel coke. That shit don't make you eat it.

That dude always had an eight ball for me. As soon as I landed, all I had to do was get to the club. I would call him the night before. You know, I'm coming to Houston tomorrow. Dog, it's in my drawer. What's in your drawer? The package. It's already in your drawer.

I just have the cash ready. Boom. I would get to the hotel, call the club, tell the owner to have the drawer ready for me. I'm going to need it because I got five sneakers. There was no sneakers. I was buying the fucking biggest rocker coke there was in Houston that night, so.

We lived a long life, Felipe. And we're still here to tell the stories. We're still touring. There's guys that have come and gone that we're fucking going to take over the world, the world, they tell it. They're fucking lost and still here, so. Thank you for coming out. Still here.

On a Monday morning podcast. Don't forget to listen to Felipe's podcast. But what's our full podcast? Right, I wore the sweatshirt on stage. Also, watch Beyond Hentified on Netflix. Really? I'm on a, I'm on a, I'm on a, I have a occurring role on a show on Hent, on Netflix on Hentified.

Hentified? I play a guy named Crazy Dave. Okay. And we just got asked to do a season two. You're fucking beautiful, brother. This is what I'm talking about. Do you remember, I was asking Rodrigo, do you remember we used to do acting classes in the back yard?

As your porch. My back yard. There you go, people. Me, you, Rick, Ramos, Cisco, and Jody, and Rodrigo. When you really want to do it, you fucking do it. We didn't have money for an acting class. So we, we were doing the scenes from, from. Donnie Brasco, where the scene where his son is in the

hospital for heroin overdose and we're doing the scene. Oh, shit. Yeah. And then he were trying to be like, it was a scene where, so you want to do a smack him in the face? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he respond was, I got, I got blisters or I got, I got my knuckles.

I have calluses or something like that. We did that scene and we also did the scene from Carlitos way. Yeah. When he goes to visit the guy in jail, I got the hose dug. I got the lime ready. I got the shovels. All I need is the fucking word and you go in that fucking hole, you understand me?

But mister, whatever, I never stole your money. Shut the fuck up. I do a little, I do a lot of business with Jews, but I never liked your side. Climb fell. Climb fell. Climb fell. That's the thing.

And we always talk about, that's a, that, that, I remember that day when we were doing that scene, we got high and we ended up talking about how badass that one white actor came in playing that Puerto Rican. Come on, man. What was the movie? Oh, Carlitos way. That little, oh, yeah, he came in the fucking wheelchair, bro.

He killed that seed. The guy that won the Academy Award with Sebastian Green Book. Yeah. He played a Puerto Rican. The black guy? The white guy. Oh, the white guy. Oh, dude.

What's his name? The white dude that played that movie in guest book. And he came out on the American way too. In America, he's the outlaw. He's done a thousand movies. But dude, that scene, that scene, well, then he tells him, what impressed me was he asked him if he wanted un pase. Un pase.

That's a word that people will never, ever use again. That means a bump in Cuban. Get un pase. So when he said that, his name is on the tip of my top. Come on, sir. I can't remember. Vito Morgensen. Vito Morgensen.

Vito Morgensen. Vito Morgensen played in the wheelchair. He came in the wheelchair. You guys are strong, all dirty. That was it. We were talking about how good that was. And nobody even mentioned his fucking name. Come on, man.

You got everything, man. I got a shit through a fucking pie, man. I can't even fuck no more. I can't even fuck no more, man. And then Luis Guzmán comes down. You want me to fucking shoot it? You want me to shoot me, man? Shoot me, you miserable fuck.

You're a bad motherfucker. You got a website? I got a website, Philippiansworld.com. I love you to all my friends. I love it too. First of all, thank you for supporting me. Thank you for the kind words you were on the internet about me Friday night.

And I want to thank you for coming on the show and not being part of the fucking cancel community. That fucking shit is done. The cancel culture is done amongst comics. You fucking assholes have done enough to fucking try to be cute. And if you don't like the fucking show, switch the fucking channel.

That's it, motherfuckers. It's over. Before we go, real quick, I want to talk about Onnit. A lot of people are trying to get their lives together, their minds together, their health together. It all starts at Onnit.com. Why? They have the best supplements in the business.

Shroom Tech Sport, Shroom Tech Immune. They got the new hemp. They've got the new Mood, which I just got a shipment of. Alpha Brain. They got Alpha Brain in a powder. You can put it in water, shake it up, and take it with you throughout the day. They got everything.

They just sent me, oh my God, fucking pups, protein pups. Yeah, you see that little pizza flavor? 16 calories a bag, a small little bag, pizza flavored. Wait til they release those. They got shit going on that you wouldn't believe. But listen, why fucking, why talk about it? Go to Onnit.com right now. Take a look at the supplements.

I can't help you with the bats, and I can't help you with the kettlebells, but the supplements, I get you 10% off to live it to your house. How's that for you? Pressing code, church, C-H-U-R-C-H, and get 10 points, 10% off. Listen, you confused right now, all of us are.

We don't know what's going on. I know you don't have a lot of money, whatever's going on, but if you're gonna make an investment, get a little alpha brain. Get your mind back. It makes you focus through new tropics. I could break it down for you, but I don't know what I'm saying.

I'm not that smart, but that's how I got my fucking jazz back. That's how I got, what's the name of that movie with the girl? How she got her groove back? I'll start a little groove back. Joey got his groove back with this fucking alpha brain. So do yourself a favor. Go to Onnit.com, press in.

Church? Bam! Get 10% off. Also, you're working out, you got pain, you got arthritis, you got inflammation, you got swelling. When I tore my hamstring, CBD line was fucking tremendous. I like this, that cream so much that I use it as a moisturizer.

That's how much I like that cream. That CBD lotion, a thousand milligrams, whether it's shit. As soon as I come out of the shower at night, I dry off and I rub it from my knees all the way down to my feet. And I fucking relax, okay? My skin's soft again, no more dry skin.

I put it on my hamstring and help with the pain. Listen, just go to CBDline.com, go to the website. If you have an ailment, they have the solution. They'll tell you exactly what CBD get, what flavor, what options you got, whether you wanna smoke it, whether you wanna take the tincture, whether you wanna use the teddy bear,

the gummy bears, whether you wanna use the bath of salts, CBD line, gotcha. Do me a favor, go to CBDline.com right now. Press in and get 20% off, deliver to your house. Listen, you wanna start small? Start with the strawberry gummies. Start with the raspberry gummy bears. You're gonna hit me up on Twitter and say,

Joey, what the fuck, you're a savage. Why hasn't nobody else told me about this? If you're buying your CBD oil at some fucking store you don't know what the fuck you're doing. I'm a 57-year-old man, I got aches and pains, everything hurts. CBDline helps me with that, anxiety, insomnia. So if you're having any of these problems,

CBD can help you. Listen, start today, go to CBDline.com, press in code, church, and get 20% off the Liberty House. I wanna thank Felipe Sparza. I wanna thank the Christ Killer. And most importantly, I wanna thank you guys. Don't forget, we're also on Spotify.

YouTube, iTunes, we don't know, you know, the next few weeks things are gonna be happening but we'll keep you posted, you know what I'm saying? So I love you guys, have a great week. Uncle Joey fucking adores you motherfuckers. Thank you for having my back. We set a present today on fucking Twitter. We set a present by letting people know

they just can't cancel you because you're not their cup of tea. Fuck you, switch the channel, bitches. Lee, kick this fucking mule.