Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #800 - Joey Diaz: Love is Always Around the Corner

Episode Date: July 1, 2020

Joey Diaz talks about how he met and started dating his wife exactly 20 years ago today 7/1/2000. Joey talks about avoiding love for a long time, and what he did to make it work this time. This podcast is brought to you by   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout on your first order.

it's Wednesday the 1st of July if you ain't got the red money you might as well get a tent you know what I'm saying? ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha the church what's happening now is brought to you by on it listen when it comes to supplements you know you guys know I don't fuck around okay we've been on for 7 years for 7 years we had them as a matter of fact welcome to episode 800 on July 1st 2020 in the middle of a fucking pandemic We're still here pushing ahead, you understand me? Do me a favor, like I said,

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Go to Onnit.com, press in. Church. There you go, C-H-U-R-C-H. And get 10% off your first order delivered right to your house. You motherfuckers ready to rock. It's the first of July. It's a whole new fucking month.

Kick this fucking mule, Lee. Oh shit, little fucks fucking telling you all right. No more fucking excuses. This is the year of the fucking soldier. We're going in like fucking marine, you understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. Are you kidding me or what? It's July 1st.

You've been locked in the house for how long? Now they want to put you back, unbelievable. They'll let you out for a week and then they call you out. We forgot something. And now they want to put us back, but no big fucking deal. Just another day in the life, guys, that's it. I'm saying this is it.

It's coronavirus. Get it through your fucking head. In the next couple of days, you're going to hear about some shit. That went down, whatever. Don't be surprised. It's fucking Coronaville, guys. You cannot be around large fucking crowds.

You could do it once, twice, three times. Eventually it's going to grab you. It's gotten a couple of comics now. You'll be hearing about developments in the next couple of days. When it goes out to these guys, they were trying to entertain you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

I've said it since day one. Guys, listen, it's not an ordinary day. Think about it yourself. Think about the people that you bring it back to. I don't give a fuck how you live your life. You want to smoke, coke, you want to shoot everyone. Do what you need to do. Do what a fucking mask on.

I don't care if you put a fucking little hole in the straw to put the straw in your fucking nose. Just be careful out there, right, guys? This thing ain't over yet. But it's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. What am I smoking? Dead. From fucking Earth.

What am I smoking? Dead. From fucking urban trees. You know how they take candy over there? Is it the name of the stream? Listen, whatever I'm smoking is dead. It's 32% 31. They're getting stronger and stronger.

It's like those flies in my basement. Right. They're getting stronger and stronger. I gave one, I gave him something different the other day. I gave one of them my experiment. I gave one of them some of my toe shavings, like from the fucking fungi toe. He's fucking on fire lately.

He's been fucking dying to get out of there. He's like fucking Clint Eastwood and escaped from Alcatraz. You got to see him. He's thinking away. It's going to get horrible. He's going to break out from within the glass. Fuck them. Don't worry about nothing.

What I want to talk to you people about is something I've overlooked for a long time. And listen to these fucking sirens. People getting stabbed by the minute and you give a fuck about Jimmy Kimble fucking putting on blackface. Keep it up. It's defunding. Look at that. The fucking ambulances going.

The cops are going. They got these poor cops on bikes. They're about to get shot. They're fucking dead now. This is like target fucking practice. If you're in a cop and you're on a bike, quit. It's over. You ain't riding no bike no more.

What are you? Fucking Cheryl Crowe's boyfriend. What's his name? Lance Armstrong. Yeah. All of a sudden you're Lance Armstrong. You didn't become a cop to be Lance Armstrong. If you're a cop and you ain't in a tank, you're slipping right now.

You understand me? And you better have three other cops in the fucking so you can shoot it out with these cock suckers because it's rough on the streets out there. But anyway, what I want to talk to you people about is a beautiful situation that's going on that I've overlooked. I've overlooked it till about three fucking weeks ago. And I got to tell you, man, it's one of the best moves that has ever fucking happened to me.

I mean, I'll tell you guys a little story. Let's start off with 1999. It was a holiday and that I'm not going to tell you what night it was. I just want you to paint your fucking minds with this one. You know, I started comedy in 91. I got separated four months later. I found the new girlfriend in January. I dated her till about September and she moved to New York.

You know, we stayed in touch on the phone. But things happened. I ended up back in New York in 93. We hooked up a couple of times, but it wasn't the same. She had a day job. I was trying to drive a limo. You know, it was just bullshit and I'm doing my cocaine, the whole fucking deal. I go to New York.

I stay with George. You called into the podcast. I lived with him. I think I was with him nine months in that apartment. I never brought a girl over whenever I hooked up with that girl. We hooked up in a fucking living room. She had a, it was like a little studio apartment, so she had a roommate in the studio apartment. So we had to sleep in the kitchen.

We had to, she had to open the bathroom and my feet were going to the fucking bathroom. The kitchen was so small. And then at the end of the night, after you fucking did your thing, a mouse would run by. Tremendous. I would have to fucking leave there once I saw the mouse. But that's not the story. I thought I went to Colorado and I lived a nomad life as far as relationships were concerned.

I was alone. I was alone and that's how I wanted it to be. I'd gotten married. I'd been through a divorce. I wanted to be alone. That's what happens. I said, you know what? I gave it a try.

I'm a Catholic. There ain't no coming back to this. So what this means is I'm going to leave the single man's life. When I started doing comedy in 95 when I went on the road, you know, you live in a single life. I met a girl. We went to Seattle, blah, blah, blah. We moved down here.

Things weren't working out for us. She went her way. I went on my way amicably. We hooked up six months later, not sexually. As friends, I stayed with her for a few months and it was just really weird. Like I wasn't lonely at all, but I was single and the dumb shit was nice from time to time. But you're still alone. When I came here, I was duking it out with these people with her.

And then once we broke up, I was pretty much alone. I was pretty much alone for like three fucking years. And those three years was just craziness. Like, you know, we were talking about the store and stuff like that, but one particular incident that happened one night was I was at a comedy club one night and I met this girl in between shows and then when I got off the second show, the headline would come out behind me and she was in the showroom with her girlfriends and they came to the bar and me, her, the owner, we all started talking, blah, blah, blah.

One day it's a big cocaine club. This club is a very big cocaine comedy club. So it was my type of club. We did a couple of fucking blasts, everybody was happy. The owner would keep it open, he knew what time it was. And one thing led to the other, me and the chick disappeared and we ended up in the owner's office and we ended up getting naked in the fucking owner's office. One thing leads to another, we finish, we walk out like nothing happened, her girlfriends

don't know nothing, nobody knows nothing. We go back to the bars, there's nothing. I start talking to other people, we're talking in between, but we both, it's a big night and we both get caught up in what's going on and all of a sudden I'm doing my thing and guess what happens? I turn around and she's gone and she's making out with another comic. And I'm like, what the fuck just happened? So I didn't say nothing, I went home and I was like, you know, it's not like I lost

my girl to another comic. We already did what we needed to do at the club on top of the owner's desk. The owner calls me the next day but I'm like, right there, that fucked with me a little bit. Like that's how you go, that's where my life is up to. Like I signed up to be a comic, but this other lifestyle that comes with it is enjoyable, I'm not going to lie to you, but is this what this is going to be from 65? You know, when I was a kid I would watch those Charles Bronson movies and you know, yes,

his Jill Will Ireland played in the movies, his wife, but Charles Bronson was always a single guy, whether it's hard times, whether it was death wishes, his wife was in the hospital, she got all retired after they fucked her up and in, you know, several movies he was single. I can't come from the mechanic, he was single. The one he did, he was the mountain, the mountain he was single, he was always single. So as a kid I always envisioned myself getting older and being single, it was no big fucking deal.

Like that's just the way life is, either you're cut out for romance or you're not cut out for romance, but that 99 really fucked with me a little bit. I was 36 years old, you know, about to turn 37. I wasn't thinking of a family, but you said something to me once I asked you what happened to that person and you said to me that they wanted a life of having a trailer and having dogs and living like a nomad life and that wasn't for you. You know what I'm saying, like even though I was a comic and I was having these bourgeois fucking relationships, I got old.

It really did get old, you know, and I did some drugs and the whole thing, and I got old and it's not like I yearned for a girlfriend because I knew I was in the mafia. I'm in the mafia, I'm in comedy, I'm in comedy nine years, I'm trying to get fucking recognized. I got no time to be going on dinners. I got no time, I got no money, I got none of that shit. Either it happens at the comedy club or it's not going to happen, you know what I'm saying? Like it was a very weird world and it started feeling unnatural and I never saw it fucking coming.

So November of whatever 99 I embark on a world fucking tour that takes me from coast to coast, coast to fucking coast. I mean it was deep and at the end of the tour I come home, it's April of 2000 and I'm like okay, what am I going to do? So I get a couch at my buddy's house, I give him 200 a month to sleep on his fucking couch and I'm basically doing spots. I'm not taking care of myself. I'm eating all hours, I'm drinking, I'm doing drugs.

I'm living this fucking no-man life and you know, I'm at the comedy store seven nights a week when I'm not on the road with Rogan or by myself. At that time I was on the road by myself, headlining little rooms, shitty rooms, headlining one night is whatever I could do for six months, I stayed out. And this is pre-longest yard, right? Five yards before the longest yard. So I come back to LA and I got to be honest with you guys, guys I'm not thinking about dick, I'm thinking about doing comedy.

My car had already been towed, my apartment had been towed, I had already been through the hell of it. I was living in LA, I had no car, I was staying at my friend's couch, I lived off the comedy store one night as Felipe, Willie Barsena, all for guys like that fly, George Perez, they all had little rooms and I did comedy and then I did the comedy store. That was my only income, that was it. So pretty much I lived those April, I was kind of sad, I think May of 2000. I had already come to terms with what was going on with my daughter and I'm like what

is my next step, you know, like what is my next step, like I had already shot a pilot, I had booked a commercial and I made a bunch of money, I was a regular at the store, nobody liked me, I wasn't going to Montreal, I wasn't like the new sensation, I had already come to terms with a lot of little things and I had also come to terms with that, I was pretty much homeless. I lived in that building, whoever had a spare bed, that's where I stayed, whoever was out of town, if Ralphie was out of town for a week, I had a place to crash for a week. When Gentry went out of town for a month, I had a place to crash for a month, if not

Celine's couch is always available, if not Gavin's couch is always available, this was a fucking wild ride and one night I go to the fucking comedy store to do what I usually fucking do and I go to the bar, I get my soda, I get my water and I walk into the fucking hallway at the comedy store, I'm about to go up the original room stairs and I saw a girl I had seen there before out of the corner of my eye but rule number one at the store was not to mess around with the waitresses, that Mitzi would get mad at you, I had such a good thing going with Mitzi that I didn't want to ruin it. So rule number one when you're a young comic, if you want to come back to that club, don't

sleep with the waitresses, they just don't like it, don't get me wrong, I snorted coke with waitresses and did heroin and did pills and the whole fucking thing but I never went back to that club. You follow me so if you want problems in your career, if you don't want no problems in your career, you tip the waitresses, you're very nice of them, I mean don't get me wrong, love is love, I'm not here to stop love but don't mess with waitresses but when I walked up the stairs I had seen this girl before, she was a waitress, I had seen this girl before but for some reason at this time we locked eyes and I noticed that her fucking eyes were,

you know how dark it is in the store, her fucking eyes are so beautiful and so blue that I got locked into them and I did what most people do, you smile, I smiled and said how are you, she was a waitress and I took the fucking chair and sat down and watched the show and I did some jokes or whatever the fuck and then later on when it was time to party, I went out then I saw her and I approached her and I asked her how long she had worked there for and she said about three years and I go that's funny, you know because I did see her one night at Coaching Horses, I was with a bunch of guys up there and they were sitting at that time, the only waitress I really spoke to was Eleanor, this girl Olympia,

there was a couple waitresses at the time, Eleanor's good friend that I was tight with but there was a lot of waitresses I didn't talk to. Did they change too much or was it just you were there to do a spot and get out so you know, I don't know I was the first person I met from Philadelphia so I right away identified with I don't know and then she introduced me to the waitresses little by little and then I was on the road, I wasn't sticking around, I was on the road and when I do come in I would definitely be there on Sundays but I would leave on Tuesday. So even if I wasn't here for the week I would see Mitzi on Sunday so I would stay fresh in her mind. Forget about the week,

it's what she saw on Sunday so I would make sure to be back on Sunday to be with her so that was my plan. I went back, I got a drink, I think we started talking about something you know, she told me she was from Tennessee blah blah blah and I think I went home the first night didn't say anything. Then I went up to the store the second night and then she was again and you know me dog I'm a sucker for a white chick you know what I'm saying they could come in all colors and sizes I'm a sucker for a white chick and I love blue eyes and I looked at her and we started talking and she was very sweet and I just asked her if she wanted to get fucking coffee and she said yes and the next day I took her for coffee and then

so like leading up to this you had said that you were lonely but like had it reached a I was lonely but I knew I didn't want to drag nobody through the fucking mud when I moved here I moved here with a girl and I dragged her through the mud and what does that mean dragging her through the mud my life was comedy that's very tough on a woman that's very tough on a woman when you meet a girl and you fall in love with her like I've said a thousand times at first for a woman it's a novelty that you're a comedian it's a novelty but then it becomes a reality when you knock them up or when you say I do now it's a different thing they got your ear from a different perspective now and they start saying to you why do you have

to leave for three weeks why do you have to leave for two weeks you know uh yeah and then you have a kid with them god forbid and and now you're going on the road and like I said before you're calling them saying I'm over at Joey Dears house with smoking weed and you can hear the two kids crying in the background what so would you understand me for a woman's perspective it's very hard so I knew that already I had already dated a girl in Denver that fucking didn't like comedy I've been through this already so when I moved to the major leagues I this is the major leagues if I had a hard time dating with the minor leagues could you imagine the major leagues it's like going to prison you want to go to prison and keep a girl on the outside you're gonna lose your mind

you're gonna lose your mind you're gonna want to shoot yourself in the fucking mouth because every time you call her house and she don't answer the phone you're gonna jump out of your fucking your mind takes you somewhere you're not doing drugs you're not seeing other women you're not doing anything so you're sitting in a cell by yourself watching a black and white tv that's why when you watch the movie Carlitos way and she says what happened to you inside and he goes I didn't want to go through that when I got locked up I had a girlfriend and I gotta tell you something I'm not the overly jealous type we all have natural jealousy if you have a girlfriend a guy talks to them a good-looking guy we all have our insecurities but I saw guys so I can kill themselves

in jail over women I got stories about guys putting their head through glasses and shit wow so but like I guess my question like you weren't at a place where you're like actively looking for a girl and you know why would you want to put somebody through this shit wow this is I'm on my ninth year and I'm working fucking 48 weeks a year I'm in my ninth year and I'm working 40 to 48 weeks a year I'm doing fucking 30 to 40 spots a month I got no time for girls I had a girlfriend she would tell me that my family was coming to town that's great what the fuck do you want me to do what we planned the dinner not going on dinner with your family this I'm doing the fucking open mic at 8 30 and then I got this other place at 10 I pick up 50 bucks and

I got the store 1245 what dinner are you talking about I didn't know anything I didn't know anything about that shit while everybody else is playing around and going on dates and doing shit I wasn't doing that I was hustling with Felipe I was in a car going to meet Felipe with Marilyn Marilyn would pick me up and I was going down and fucking do a $35 spot and I had a kick in 10 for fucking gas you know but that was part of the fucking life I chose why would I want to put I had a fucking bag I didn't have furniture we think I had like a bathroom kit when I was on the fucking road I had a bag with four pair of jeans a pair a nice pair of pants a nice shirt a jacket a suit jacket I had a couple sweaters in there and a few t-shirts no underwear and socks that were

fucking yellow from foot fungus and God knows what else that's all I had gel toothpaste toothbrush deodorant a fucking razor and some talcum powder that's it that's in your travel bag that was my whole fucking life that was it that's exactly what I had when I left bold that's what I fucking took from me the essentials nothing else came with me when I met Terry that's what I had so I met her the third day it was cool and then one night she brought her girlfriend over to meet me over at the fucking over at Ralphie's apartment Ralphie was out of town I'm like coming to my apartment you know what I'm saying I'm making believe like this is my apartment this is Ralphie's fucking place I had to tell my Terry later on that's not my place you know so she came over the girl

we talked the girl checked me out the girl happened to be from Long Island we had a few things in common so now Terry had the green light kind of shorter so the next day I was broke and I was fucking hungry I had like maybe fucking four bucks and I go you don't want I'm gonna go take her out the lunch but she's gonna pay like I don't know how we're gonna do this this isn't gonna work and I fucking walked a mile through our house rang the doorbell this was nice to get up at eight and I would fucking kill time I would go to like a coffee shop because I lived on a couch when you live on some of these couches I mean you sleep till 12 even if you got enough for you gotta get up at eight fold the sheet put it in the closet take a shower and you gotta go somewhere

I would go to a different apartment and right you know Celine's at work let me go to her apartment and right now I would go over there make a pot of coffee ride a little bit take a shower and then one day at like 12 I was just hungry I thought about her I really had a crush on her so I walked from my house at the time to ours I didn't have a car nothing I rang the doorbell she came down and buzzed me in I told her I was hungry and I wanted to get some food but I only had like five bucks and she goes fuck it let's chip in and we'll get lunch and she made me red beans rice and chicken and some shit and I fell in love I was like this is it this is the girl and then the next day I asked her to come to the 4th of July with me in Lake Havasu I was gonna take another

comic with me I was gonna go to the comic but the comic wanted to take his girlfriend down with him so I would have been the third wheel in the backseat so I said fuck it let me ask the comedy store was closed she didn't have to work so I said what are you gonna do for the 4th of July she goes nothing I go you only go to Lake Havasu no pressure we could come back that night we don't have to sleep there she goes you know what I'm not doing dick doesn't sound like a bad idea we went to Lake Havasu on a date that was 20 years ago tomorrow today today July 1st I have a lot less experience but and then the little that I do there's something like you know it's gonna work when it's easy like when like there's no like like the thing I

hate about dating is like when it's we feel like you're pulling teeth in a conversation and it sounds like it was just eat everything was just just kind of clicked it just it just all came together in about a 10 day period it all came together and then she understood my situation she understood I lived on a couch she understood this is what I wanted to do I told her that you know at that time we were still very early on you know but I was attracted to her I liked her and she liked me so I would go to the comedy store do my thing wait for her to get off and then she would come over to Ralphies we were all like a family we'd all go over to Ralphies and eat and smoke and drink and fuck and you know whatever she didn't know I was doing

blow she thought I was just drinking did your blow slow down at all when you first let around her but then after a while she would drink so I knew she wasn't catching it like if you were sober I wouldn't snort around you but once you started drinking and you got fucked up I knew you couldn't tell if I was snorting coke because you would see me drinking that's wild if if it was a different life would this be like someone where you get married in six weeks like I no no no I was not gonna do mo with that mistake I'm not that fucking stupid you really have to consider your life when I got the voice I saw all my shortcomings and I wasn't gonna put them on another woman unless I worked on those shortcomings and guess what

after I became a comedian I had more fucking shortcomings now I had less to offer a woman I had nothing to offer a woman what I have to offer a woman I didn't have a car I didn't have an apartment I didn't have a security I wasn't stable I had nothing going with me the only thing I had going for me when I met my wife was I was a member of the Screen Actors Guild I was already a two-year three-year member of the Screen Actors Guild beside that I have no other accolade at that time I had shot a pilot for CBS and I was doing spots at the store she had no reason to believe in me I was just one of the regular comics that came through the store have you asked her where was the meter stick around no I know what made me stick around with her it was a question

she asked me like the first three weeks she said that she could tell I was raised without a mother and it really bothered me because I had met 2,000 people on my journey and I took a white chick from Tennessee to tell me that and that really flipped how I looked at things and I could also feel that I gave that energy off so it was a really slow process like I kept it really slow at the beginning and it's so weird because this episode was really going to be about love and how when you're looking for love you make mistakes and when you're not looking for love you find the perfect part you know everybody wants to fall in love you know as a matter of fact I have two friends that told me within the last week they're getting married two girls I'm not

going to give up let the cat out of the hat but when you motherfuckers find out your fucking wig is going to flip you know and you think about it what I thought about both of these girls you want me to tell you what happened over this pandemic they saw what it was like to be alone I told you that that people were going to really change these two girls live to be single and both of them there's such a huge age gap in these women one I could see it that she came to the conclusion that there's a lot more to comedy I'm not getting any younger and it's time to somebody really loves me and they want to marry me I got to think about it and one was a young girl that I know that called me and said I got proposed to what are you thinking I'm like

you know you just had a picture of you and a fucking bikini up on youtube and now you're getting married how did this happen she's like you're not going to believe it we were friends we both were in relationships we broke up with that other significant other and we stayed friends and it just happened and I could see why both of them are making that move because this left women with no security a thousand women realized how much it feels to be secure now so now they're looking at men a different way like I don't ever want to feel this alone again and there's a lot of guys that are probably feeling this way right now absolutely yeah there's a lot of guys that are going

you know fuck I wish I had a girl to talk to three times a week somebody come over maybe a girl needs help with rent you guys could no no I'm not making a lude statement I'm saying maybe you know it's somebody who you're relating to you're both broke so you're both putting shit together and eventually you fall in love it could be a neighbor it could be a lady up in foray you know things happen during this pandemic well I think it's I love the one that I just I don't I don't want because that's how I feel but I don't want to rush into anything where I'm just so desperate to to not feel lonely that I'm just going with anybody who has a pulse and you've already done that so right now you're looking but it's so weird

how when all this shit went down 10 days ago I was talking to my wife and I went and got the lady Bruce book and I go you know fine then this book yes he had a relationship with stripper that was crazy and but where in this book does he talk about love there was no love in my life I didn't want any love in my life because I thought love would slow me down I thought me falling in love would slow my love down for Connie and snow slow my momentum down that's all I honestly honestly fucking thought but even if it did do like do you like could it be like you live a full life with it like yeah maybe maybe you do slow down a little bit but you have a better perspective on stage or no there was no perspective there was

not the game it was really weird because when I started dating her since it was the comedy store we kept it under that we said we're gonna be keep this professional so we both don't lose our jobs so at the comedy store we're gonna be cool as fuck and then we started dating like in July and one time in September I just went over there and stayed for like four days and I was living with her and then that Sunday after the comedy store her and I went to rock and roll routes on sunset and who was in there Eleanor and Eleanor seen us and she goes what the fuck so we go Eleanor we've been dating but don't say nothing she goes oh my god this is the unlikeliest couple like everybody would say and then once we let the back cat out of the bag

a lot of people raised their fucking hand especially to her about me saying what did I wasn't good for her that we were completely different that was an animal on wheels you know the whole fucking deal and she's like what do you don't think I you know at that time I was getting the fist fights at the comedy store I threw a microphone at a guy you know so now I was like fucked up and she's seeing this behavior but she didn't turn her back on me she understood where I was coming from and whenever so when she witnessed that behavior when people told her how fucking nuts I was it pissed me off in a way behind my back yeah it pissed me off and it made me work harder to prove to her I wasn't that person people were saying was it mostly guys or

girls talking shit both really okay both we laugh about it today I don't get that impulse because that happens I think that happens a lot people like to tear stuff down one of the best friends I had at the time pulled her aside one night and told her to be careful with me that I was nuts that I might fucking just leave you know just craziness and she told me maybe three months later and we both laughed about it and when we got heavy I pulled the plug on that motherfucker I never talked to him again because one you were cheering against me since day one why I can't be your friend why we we broke bread together a thousand times whatever warning he was telling I don't know what the warning was because I had been a felon I didn't know what the warning was so

so at what point in this it sounds like you took it seriously but like at what point did you see yours like what did you do you should like really consider yourself in a relationship like were you trying to avoid it or I saw myself in a relationship at the 90-day mark but I didn't want like I said I don't like taking people down dark streets so I didn't I kept her at arms distance even though we lived together it was very weird we worked together so she was with me if I was there she was there if she wasn't working she was with me do you find what I'm saying here so if she was working I was doing a spot and if she wasn't working she'd still drive me down to to see her friends at that time the store was everything to us so we were down there pretty

much seven nights a week very seldom from the time I met her in June to maybe for about 18 months we you know we were like fucking two peas in a pod the only time I wouldn't be with her was when I would go on the road with Rogan but you said you were keeping your arms length like emotionally and a little part I loved her I cared for her but I wasn't ready to get married I was really far away from getting married I still had to prove myself to me I wasn't going to do to her how I failed the first time there was no two ways there was no two ways about it that I couldn't handle it I couldn't handle being married the first time and I was a civilian here I am fucking a comedian I can't handle it so for a while there I was I was dating her

waiting to get dumped so I was waiting to get dumped from the comedy store I'm waiting to get dumped by her because I really wasn't doing nothing productive I was doing spots I wasn't making any money I was breaking even some months I would make half the rent some months I would give it to in two installments I wasn't doing anything sensational out of this world I was paying a couple things off at the same time and then I started then she talked me into going to the IRS I think it was at the two-year mark where I realized that I was with a girl who had my back this was not uh a one-night stand this was not something that was she was my girlfriend to be cool there was nothing to be cool about by being my girlfriend do you follow me saying

anything there was nothing to be cool about she sincerely cared about me and I sincerely cared about her I cared about her so much that I was embarrassed about the drugs and that lifestyle that's the only real thing I hid from her I wasn't really and you got to remember one thing the last five years of my addiction I didn't really get high with people somebody sent me an email the other day my dad said he got high with you in 1988 in New York City bad news I didn't live in 88 in New York City I was in prison stupid you know tell your father stop smoking weed you're fucking Momo so no I I just didn't want to I didn't want to take somebody down a hole like I did the first time so I kind of kept out arms distance still about yeah about the second year

and then I really I went to sign up at a rehab one time just to give it a try if I could make it I was trying to go in there anonymously without somebody saying hey I saw you at the store second fucking meeting somebody fucking plugged me so I couldn't go back there I even signed up under a fake name the whole fucking deal you know this is before like they was asking for shit this is like voluntary form and you have an ID no I don't have it with me bring it next time yeah I'll bring it next time I can bring it the next time so it took about two years and then three years and I started caring more and more but at the same time I had to let her know that comedy was number one at that point and that's very hard in the relationship how did she take it

it like a trooper and it wasn't by my words it was by my actions she saw me all those nights come home with you know she saw me ordering headshots at nine in the morning she saw me stuff on envelopes you know she saw me leave at ten o'clock to go to casting directors to drop off things I just wasn't the guy that got up and stayed on the couch I got up in the morning I vacuumed I did some laundry I fucking got on the phone she taught me how to use the computer I mean I had no idea how to use the fucking computer and it was just a process 2009 we together nine years I went for a santeria reading the guy talked something about me getting married I called her up I told her we're getting married she said yes I called her father on the phone he said yes that was the

end of it I married about a month ago I realized that July 1st is going to be our 28th anniversary and I sat down in the living room and I said think about what happened the last 10 years like we went from a couple that was living in a studio apartment in noisy Hollywood now a Hollywood with 10 cats to move into the valley living a couple life which was really good we had date night we had all this shit you know we would go to eat on Friday night it's like nice older couples we thought we're never gonna have kids then fucking life throws you a fucking fastball and you hit it out of the park and now we have a kid that's what happened the last 10 years not to mention comedy CDs fucking the road you know not to mention all these fucking things

it's a bit overwhelming it's so weird when you're 20 you really have nothing to look back on you think life is life when you get to be 30 you think about your 20s when you get to be 40 you think about your 20s and 30s now and you learn more and more about yourself you know and it's so weird out of the other day I'm like you know there's so many people who listen to the church that yeah there's a lot of guys that are fucking married you know Jay Bish you know Bob you know Alina there's a lot of guys that are married you know Bobby Sharon they got girlfriends but there's a lot of guys and there's a lot of women who listen to the church to the fucking single you know and uh it's so weird how you cannot give up on love and it's not gonna be at a bar

it's not gonna be at a fucking uh love spiritual retweet it's gonna be crossing the street it's gonna be maybe he rear ends you and I'm all and you start talking and you exchange numbers and the guy calls you and asks you for dinner or vice versa why does he have to call you you like this ass fucking call him dirty bitch you know I mean this is what this is about how do you ever think about that about how when you first met her you got out of prison you'd been divorced not talking to your kid you're broke you very easily could have told yourself actually just want to go with me fuck asking her for coffee I'll just go do a bump like how do you stay positive people gotta understand there's one thing

since we're judging here and we made assumptions off of videos here there's girls that there's girls that you asked to go to the bathroom and do a bump and there's girls that you ask out for coffee what that behavior is when you asked them is up to them oh no I just meant you even asking Terry out as opposed to you just being like not even talking or like having like being open to the even asking someone out I don't know I didn't know if I was lonely I didn't know if I wanted to sleep with her I really didn't know but I knew that I liked her eyes I knew I liked her accent I knew I liked a lot of things about it when I first met her I walked on toughness she was kind of tough on me when I first met her I liked all

that stuff so I don't know if that's your question like I didn't it's weird like you know when you go on the road and you go to fucking a snake city north Dakota and you get off stage and you fucking talk to a girl and then you know maybe she goes to your hotel room maybe she doesn't you know what possesses you what confidence do you have to ask that girl I mean she'll tell you you know you know this last couple weeks since these things came out that people were pissed off and whatnot it's so weird how you think about the comic life and I'm gonna tell you a story that takes me back to 1992 okay this is how fucking crazy comedy is now let's get something straight I've always considered myself a thief a good burglar I was a good basketball player when I

was a kid there was a couple things I was good at you know what I wasn't good at fucking you know what else I wasn't good at either if I was sober I would never ask a woman a question if it wasn't for alcohol and drugs I wouldn't talk to women they gave me that confidence okay so let's get something straight right out of the way if I'm sober my chances of talking to you unless you talk to me are very slim very slim especially when I was a young man they were very very slim okay when I got into comedy I got into comedy for various reasons but I never knew so I get on stage July 18th 1991 October we split up I meet a girl she goes to New York we're talking but we're not exclusive I'm living with a roommate at the time

he's got a couple jobs but one of his main jobs is selling powder so one night I must have stayed in I passed out early at that time I was doing stand-up on Tuesdays and maybe like Thursday nights but I was eating a ton of valium and I was drinking I was eating a ton of valium because I was selling valium and I was drinking so I would sleep a lot I would fall asleep whenever I got high I told that story on Rogan that valium sits in your fat only half of it gets activated so one night guys I fucking pass out like on the couch watching TV it's a mutual living room it's three roommates at the time it was just me and him now I know what this guy does for a living part-time he drives a cab he's a vocational school teacher he helps young kids get scholarships

and he's a major league coke dealer that's what helped him finance everything everything else was bullshit to cover his income sparking another one for your motherfuckers that want to get this party started it's four to july weekend you cock suckers the fuck you're doing get that thing going who gives a fuck you're home you got your fucking business shirt on you got some fucking new england paid for your shorts on who gives the fuck you probably just finished whacking off roll up a number smoke one with uncle joey this is good as it gets fourth of july weekend no beach they're locking everybody up today you know i'm saying by the time this podcast comes out this afternoon california will be in a total fucking lockdown you think so i know so that government

nuisance gonna make an announcement this morning by the time this podcast comes out governor nuisance gonna say we're done la bomba is over jim's are closing fucking i i hope my daughter's camp doesn't close tomorrow we're supposed to go to the beach today so i wear the beach nuisance gonna be giving this fucking story time for a joint and now for a word from our sponsor a fucking number so i'm living with this guy he comes home at like three in the morning and goes joey joey you fell asleep on the couch i don't know shit jenny let me go up to my room he goes no you can't go up to my room he goes you can't go upstairs you gotta do me a favor i went to this fucking party and some guy came up to me i'm over there i had a couple packages

i got rid of a couple packages but this guy asked me for a package that's a little weird i go how much how big of a package he goes an ounce i go that's not weird i go how much coke did the guy buy from you already he go he bought he bought like four grams already i go when you come home i mean you already have that they would have followed you home if they're the cops oh yeah so he goes no i don't think he's a cop but i'm not sure i said fucking i at that time the cops were looking for me i had the acura i had the acura and i hadn't paid the fucking the cops were looking for me the tow truck dude oh no the tow truck dude was looking for me so i had the acura hidden in the garage and i borrowed like this fucking you know sloppy jalopy that you had a

fucking you know it didn't run right and shit and i parked it around the corner so the people in the tow truck were looking for me i'd be driving around town in the fucked up car you know what i'm saying so i had a a little backup car that you couldn't take out of bolder he's gonna blow up any day it was gonna blow up like a friend of mine just said just hold on to it when it blows up a bad shit i'll say it stole him wipe the fucking wipe the handlebar whatever so i parked it around the corner from now so i go you you do this i go way up the coke give me the ad just tell me what the fucking joint is that i'll go over there and since it's me alone i'll make believe i'm looking for an address for a party so if i get pulled over by a cop that looks suspicious i could

just say i got invited to a party and you're not with me and i'll call you from the party he goes there's a girl there that we mutually know when you get to the party tell her and call me and i'll be here waiting for your call there was no cell phones back then or nothing so i let's say the the join is here i drive around like four blocks surrounding that looking for undercover cops oh okay when i didn't see any unmarked cars or anything i went into this fucking party i see the girl i go call mani she calls mani mani shoots over with the coke mani throws me a taste for being his back as wingman and i mingle i'm mingling with the girl and talking to people it's four in the morning it's a friday night we're talking about this we're talking about that

the chick says listen to me a favor if you want to go to the backyard and talk go talk to the parties getting bigger i have a basement i got the front yard but let's get out living room so somebody says there's a pool table and there's a ping-pong table downstairs so i go downstairs guys i'm doing comedy maybe 14 months i am fucking horrible i am horrible at comedy i'm going on stage every tuesday i'm just embarrassing myself every tuesday i'm going up there with madonna tits and i'm going up there with a suit where is madonna tits mean you know when she did vogue oh she had those two cones i went up there one week to vogue with clones i mean i experimented with everything i told you before so i was just a

horrible comic if you think i'm bad now you should have said me then i'm doing comedy about 14 months i'm downstairs i'm shooting pool and there's nobody shooting pool with me you're like when you're just shooting pool like i'm shooting there's probably six people downstairs i call awesome this girl comes up to me beautiful i was 30 years old maybe she was 34 35 36 37 well older than me she had kids and we start talking one thing leads to another she's starting coke i'm doing coke we shoot pool i think i'd be here in pool and she goes you know what i guarantee you can't beat me a fucking ping pong i gotta bet y'all beach in ping pong 10 bucks 10 bucks one thing led to another we played a couple times and it got down to show me a tits or something or

blow job i don't know what it came down to we played ping pong for the like for how to fool around with me we ended up fucking i won i gotta get a ping i wasn't good at ping pong i think she drew the game so i could breathe it and we started messing around and she got up but that's what she said to me when she came downstairs she goes when you walked in i couldn't figure out who you were that's the point of this whole story she goes i couldn't figure out who you are i go who the fuck am i and she goes you're the host at the broker on tuesday night to go what the fuck are you talking about and she goes fucking my husband's into comedy we've gone down to see different comedians and when you came in i saw you oh my god you're a celebrity i'm like i'm no fucking

are you crazy i'm doing comedy 14 months and people what have you been like i haven't been in shit like she told me in front of a bunch of people and i'm like no i got a day job i haven't been in shit like what movies have you been nothing i haven't been in nothing i haven't been in nothing it's 1990 fucking two i haven't been in nothing i don't even dream about movies i'm just trying to get on stage a few times a week but i always think about that like that was the beginning and that's how crazy it was for a game of fucking ping pong so for some people listening to this yeah it was 30 and life was a lot different and your state of mind was a lot different but by the time i was 37 i was like this lifestyle can't continue because it's not who i am

but i don't want a girl for neither i gotta find the happy medium well god didn't show up with a fucking happy medium god laid it on me then like bound jovie said i got it right the first time and like i said i kept my addiction from the first couple years i talked to her but i didn't talk to her about comedy we were tight we went out to dinner we adopted cats i went home to tennessee with her but we didn't really it was like a very light relationship it was until 2004 when i shot the longest shot that i realized she was the woman for me but i still couldn't waste her time with marriage like i'm like i'm always the time of marriage i'm a bum who cares if i got a movie that that's just a stupid fucking movie i know how it is in this time these people get

one movie and all of a sudden they're fucking moving the Beverly Hills then you sit there oh they want you for this they don't want you for nothing the agent's just blowing smoke up your fucking ass so just because i had a movie didn't mean i was gonna propose to it it just mean it came to me when i got that movie that this was the woman for me that if i was gonna go to the next level i needed her and i and i it went back to my youth to me telling a friend of mine the young girl wanted to do them we were kids my name was i'm not gonna tell you what the name was i mean we were both the same age we were about 19 and she dated a friend of mine and when they broke up this girl wanted revenge you know none of the fuck as many guys as she wanted i never slept

with her but she came up to me to approach this guy one time she goes i know you talk tight with him talk to him for me fix me up with him see if he'll take me on a date i like guys with money and one day fucking around i said to him hey man such as such says she wants you to take him on a date i go i hear stories about he goes bro why would i go on a date with her and ruin what i got he goes the woman i'm with was with me when i had nothing before these gas stations and the fucking fruit stands and everything me and her went to one bedroom apartment eating fucking tuna and sardines how would i ruin it for fucking some 19 year old 20 year old fucking bimbo that statement rang fucking cultures with me yeah and it still ranks cultures with me today as far as uh

so the sad thing about this is the good thing about this is listen i stuck with something for 20 years and i worked really hard at it uh we got tighter over the fucking corona virus i told you guys that there was going to be a silver lining listen i'm like you guys covid meant pay cut and meant pay cut there was nothing you could do there was nothing inevitable about it you know i'm not going to collect unemployment whatever but it's a pay cut every you know this is what it is whether you're in the food industry can you imagine being open for a week and now they closed you up look at the store was open for a night yeah the commie store but now they're opening back up to serve food okay so we go down there maybe one night next week get a couple

chicken fingers and some prize and say hello and you know maybe get some own to go down there and dean dowray and you know no it's uh it's a terrible thing that's happening so i get what the fuck is happening so uh my point of the story is you know i stuck it out it wasn't it was 20 fucking hell years i changed for her i stopped snorting coke for her uh well you know and i became mad for her i had to become a man to win her over fully for her to gain confidence in me and the moral of the story is that listen guys you never tool love is around the corner man love is always around the corner you cannot control it i don't know if there's a cupid i don't know if there's a Santa Claus but and i'm gonna tell you something else that god has put

a few good women in my life he has and even when i lived in bolder all those months after i got divorced i met some solid girls that would have ran with me i just that wasn't from that really wasn't for me at that time so you know what man you kiss a lot of frogs before you get a prince with me i kissed a lot of frogs i wasn't looking for a prince and one day a prince just showed up princess whatever the fuck you want to call it prince princess i don't give a fuck okay you guys know what i'm talking about but uh but that's the moral of the story man if you're lonely right now my heart goes out to you but hey there's an ass for every fucking seat and uh eventually true love will come your way if it's meant to like i said the two women that approached me recently and told

me they were gonna get married blew my fucking socks off because they're both two women that enjoy being single but this coronavirus this time being alone made you realize this isn't how you want to fucking die you don't want to die by yourself you want to die with somebody next to you holding your hand you know so i'm very fortunate uh 20 years today the sad part about this is i can't even take it to a dinner i can't even take it to a dinner can i take it in fingers of the store i was gonna order her something and then she told me she didn't want it and we were just gonna go to the fucking hotel maybe for two nights up north and our plans have been ruined but uh we're gonna have a good time today we're gonna go to the beach and then tonight cook something on

the grill and hopefully this weekend have a happy safe 4th of july if they shut us down they shut us down what do you want me to do what do you want me to boycott it you want me to scream up and down because fucking they they they i gotta wear a mask is that what you want me to do is go to a fucking supermarket and fucking yell and scream because they're gonna make me wear a mask guess what guys i didn't like wearing the sleep apnea mask but i could have fucking died if i didn't wear it so i learned to like it and now you know what if wearing it fucking saves other people's lives and it cuts down this horrible fucking thing we're going through and hopefully we get back to fucking normal again i suggest you do us all a favor it's it's you know it's it's

fucking american of you i went to the park today i get to the fucking park again no racist comments on the fucking show okay i got you you choose yourself when you you fill in the fucking blank i take my daughter to do the fucking podcast this afternoon from there i go honey you got a lot of energy let me take you to the park i go to the park you're not gonna believe this guys i got my daughter in a fucking tree with red ants oh okay yeah she thought i don't give a fuck let her get bit by an ant oh you did on purpose well i didn't do it on purpose but uh you know whatever i just wanted her to understand she wants to climb trees and there's ants she only got bit one time nothing to happen you have to go a certain level to get the ants so i'm sitting

there with my daughter now am i the best american no i don't vote i got felonies you know i'm a piece of fucking shit i pay taxes i don't want to go to jail so but i'm not the best american in the world now the the park is wrapped around there's yellow police tape around it there's yellow police tape on the fucking swings guess what uncle joey sees today now how do you people want me to react as an american 40 years ago i had every right to get a stick and hit these people in the head with sticks and their families and the copper up watered me so there's yellow tape around this fucking thing you can tell they don't want you on this now again i don't know if i'm being racist if i am my early apologies don't report me to apple joey said racist things i'm just telling you what

i observed there's yellow fucking police tape around the fucking children's fucking thing they don't want john there the only reason why i'm there is i know a tree that my daughter likes i ride my bike there and there's a tree that she could stand in the middle and walk up like three steps and she jumps off you know many times my daughter can do that in an hour 82 times all you people all i've been step jumping i've lost 11 pounds come up against my daughter you'll fucking die of a heart attack she could jump on that tree and jump off 82 times i've seen it i've seen her do that for like eight minutes straight just jump and pick up her legs all the way to her chest so you guys don't know nothing about none the only people have more cardio than i

would elude this that's it i'm at this fucking park i'm minding my own business sober as a fucking judge didn't even smoke reef i think this is my last joint i ain't got no weed left so i gotta go to weed store real quick on the wild urban trees ventura i maybe i'll throw you over there and i'll make a back switch and go to a different weed store and get you fucking momos waiting over there so i go to the park and minding my business what do you think i see a chinese guy oh wow in the fucking thing the toys where the rattle where there's like a bridge that faintly rattles like it's the like a fucking ramp in titanic like people gonna fall off it's a chinese man with three kids no mask on and you ready for this and here's the clinker

barefoot like kung fu class dog i almost had a fucking heart attack no mask on everybody's looking at him like really like we let you in you're cool and then you got to come to the park no mask on with those fucking feet god knows what peanut sauce it looks like someone was trying to get you oh my brother is getting up my daughter even came over looked at me and went jesus christ that's how embarrassing it was and you try to be a nice person but this is what you see the thing is roped off not only does he go on it no mask the kids no mask breathing fucking uh vietnam air whatever the fuck they shot over vietnam age and orange all over the fucking playground on kids with no shoes on how am i supposed to

fucking act you can't say nothing 20 30 years ago you go up to people go excuse me let me talk to you about something put the mask on or the fucking shoes or i'm gonna shoot your fucking kid in the foot or something like that seriously america was completely different we've changed our views you couldn't talk a different language in public in the 70s you couldn't do it you couldn't come out here and just speak your fucking language people go it's america but now we got to be sensitive to people's fucking feelings but anyway who gives two flies talks about feelings what comes out of people's mouths i'm just happy it's the fourth of july we're gonna have a good weekend either way when they

lock you up or you're not listening if you're having a hard time you didn't pay the rent fuck it they're gonna evict you anyway let them get shot lock the door put a fucking bureau in front of there let them barricade job you're like one of the fucking looters let them fucking shoot tear dust at you you don't give a fuck you ain't gonna know where you tie a rope around the back window and when you're ready to go you go on your own terms you know what i'm saying you ain't going on that term fuck them the sheriff could knock all he wants i shot the sheriff but i didn't shoot the deputy all right i don't give a fuck no more okay the podcast start with those are loving wonderful like theme and then it ends with you like barricade here's an open your apartment

i don't give a fuck i'm just trying to tell you people the truth you know what i'm saying i don't want you to feel bad or listen life happens you lost your job you're on unemployment ends our meeting this does not mean you're a bad person that means you're a bad you're a good person a bad position don't let it get to hold you don't let money get the best aid there's no debt is prison this is what it is you have family you have your friends you know you have your co-workers you know call them up don't go crazy uh you know march and april rough on me also coming to terms with all this shit we've come to terms with it let's move on you know 2020 is wiped off the plate what do you want to do you want to cry in your fucking soup you want to blame it on this

you want to blame it on the political this or the fucking election listen to this what it is oh dr fouchy dr fouch didn't do nothing who knows what happened this is what they threw at us now we got to accept it pick up the pieces and move forward move them forward is big right now and nothing you could do i never said you were deadbeat you know i'm saying uh things happened so don't take nothing personally enjoy the fucking holiday man and listen i've been in worse predicaments this ain't shit they can take away your apartment they can take away your car but they can't take away your dignity who the fuck you are and what you've worked for so don't get down it's the fourth of july listen go buy a bag of weed on fucking visa you're not paying that either so who gives a

fuck you know i'm saying who gives a fuck go get a cash advance and tell visa yeah yeah i'll keep sending your minimums up my weight and when you shut the lights you shut the lights on all of them tell them all to go fuck themselves they tricked you they told all of us that was not gonna be an evicted moratorium right and guess what people are getting evicted people are getting evicted so they tricked us so it's you know what don't feel bad about it shit happens well and that's what i think everyone should do unemployment like do you see today that could the one of the companies that we gave tax dollars to is going to charge something like like seventy thousand dollars for a covid-19 pill like something crazy when we gave them millions of dollars what do you want to do you

didn't know that that's how the scam works who gives a fuck about that i'm talking about an individual's is a gay unemployment i don't i have i think there's a big stigma against it i if you if you worked in orange unemployment i'm not saying ask for free money but if you work and pay it into you work for it get your money i told you since day one i told you this is day one how to handle this i told you since day one so i don't want to fucking hear it but i do sympathize with a lot of families that are missing meals i sympathize with a lot of men who are feeling down right now i sympathize with a lot of women who are feeling down right now listen it's just money it does not reflect on you depression should not stick in

get a notebook right what you're doing right out of plan how you're gonna get yourself out of this don't be proud your mother's got a basement move in it you know your mother-in-law's got a basement move in it i'd rather you have something than nothing and have a chance to start over and that's it and that's that i want to thank our sponsors for the week on it dot com the best supplements ever shroom tech shroom tech sport you're asking me joy which shroom tech shroom tech they listen it boosts up your immune system makes you stronger the sport gives you more cardio you got new mood i don't know what's in it how do i know i've taken them i've been on them for eight years when i went through my funk this last time i put alpha brain back in my life i started my second uh

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brain did we go to a chinese restaurant you don't order the fucking lobster companies off the back you start off small they fuck a dumpling up if you see a mousetown the dumpling you pay the bill and you tell johnny who you're out of there you know i'm saying it's all over the same thing what on it start with the alpha brain see how it works see how it affects your mind your focus your thinking and then get back to me if you don't like it they give you a hundred percent money back guarantee and they don't want the product back nobody'll say that product with that type of claim that's what honor is doing to you to keep you honest so go to honor dot com right now pressing code church when you're checking out i don't expect you to go on there and spend thousands

right now but right now you're going through a dark time i don't know what the fuck you're going to you need some focus start with fucking alpha brain and then get to me after that all right go to go there start with the small alpha brain all i'm trying to do is tell you to click in church boom and get 10% off delivery to your house and that's it not that as far as comedy dates are concerned i got nothing go fuck yourself the board is clean do we're living in a fucking pandemic you know people are shooting each other i'm going to sit at home my family mind my business and smoke reefer and i suggest you do the same do not forget this weekend me and lee i don't know if it's going to be friday night or saturday we're going to pop up with a little instagram live wish

you a personal fucking happy 4th of july and just to check in when you're going to be a long week i know it's a half of you guys going to be sitting there with your finger up your ass you've already watched everything on fucking netflix the french stuff the chinese stuff you use vpn to get your fucking express vpn express vpn to get you the anime you know you've done it all you're sick of watching we're going to call up on you we're going to sneak up on you maybe friday or saturday night say hello and check in with your motherfuckers beside that i want to thank you guys for listening there a week i want to thank on it but you motherfuckers it's wednesday bitches july first the renters do and who gives a fuck you know i'm saying you were looking for a job when you had that one

they could all suck your dick and call you shorty see you monday morning with the church brand new fucking monday ready to rock the 5th or the 6th of july can you believe it's going that fast stay black have a good weekend lee kick this motherfucking moj you