Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #801 - Josh Wolf

Episode Date: July 6, 2020

Josh Wolf, stand up comedian and host of the "Fairly Normal" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   ZipRecruiter - post your job to 200+ job sites with a single click for free at www.ziprecruiter.com/worktogether   CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies go to CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.     

It's Monday, July 5th. Greetings from podcastville. The church of what's happened now is brought to you by Zip Recruiter. Listen to me. During this time of change, we want you to know that Zip Recruiter's focus hasn't changed. They're still doing what they've always done, helping people find work, and they're helping businesses find the right people for the job. If you're looking for a job, Zip Recruiter is working with you to find the right job faster. You understand me? By connecting people who need jobs and companies that need people. Zip Recruiter is working with all of us so we can keep moving forward. Now let's work together. Do me a favor. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash work together and get started today. Right now. The

church is also brought to you by CBDlion.com. Listen to me. You can go buy CBD, whatever the liquid at a liquor store, or you can buy it from the fucking pros. CBDlion does it all. Bad softs, tape. They even got fucking tape, bro. My knee pain went away. You put tape on your knee. I put it where the arthritis is. Pain went the fuck away. What the CBD is on the sticky part of the tape? The CBD lasts 48 fucking hours. That's what I'm talking about, about CBD. So whether you're going for tincture, the tape, the bad salts, the fucking, the vapor doesn't have vitamin E, no oscillate, whatever the fuck that is, that makes you fucking good. In fact, they think that all those people that got sick had COVID.

They're thinking now that remember the people who got sick of the vapor pens? They had COVID. So how's that one for you? But besides all that shit, do me a favor. Stop fucking around. Look at the third party lab results. Go to CBDlion.com right now and press in church and get 20% off your order delivered right to your fucking house. Who else does that for you? Nobody. Go to CBDlion.com right now. Press in church. Get this fucking party started, Lee. It's Monday the 5th, motherfucking shit. No more fucking excuse. This is the year of the fucking soldier. We're going in like fucking Marie. You understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. Oh, here you go. Monday morning.

It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. Shit's cracka lacking. Had a great weekend this weekend. Everything's beautiful. Happy 4th of July. We didn't get to see each other on Friday or talk, but I hope you all you motherfuckers had a happy 4th. Hopefully you got all your fingers. I know a lot of motherfuckers are walking around with eight fingers today in the story. You know what I'm saying? A lot of motherfuckers walking around with eight fingers. A couple guys are just elbowing it to death right now today. The fuse went too fast. You know what I'm saying? I've been there. I've seen fingers flying. No biggie. No biggie. You'll be all right in about a year. By next 4th of July, you'll learn a new fucking drill. You'll

learn how to throw with the hook. You know what I'm saying? And you'll be fine. The hook always works. The firecracker goes farther when you use a hook. Joshua, did you see that at the end? Did you see the aerial footage of LA? Next time, just fucking tell people. You can't make dick illegal now. Not right now. People gonna blow up. There were bombs going off on my house. I woke up this morning with a leg in front of the little Iraqi leg in front of my house. I just threw it in the fucking garbage. There were more fireworks in my neighborhood, but not like like like legitimate fireworks. I was in my office. I thought a bomb went off. I went and checked on my family. I'm like, you guys are all right. I will tell you though. July 5th is the best day.

Today was the best fucking day to go on YouTube because all you see is drunk people fighting at barbecues, people holding on to firecrackers for too long, and white dudes firing firecrackers out of their asshole. It's the fucking best day to be on YouTube. You see more dudes with bottle rackets propped up on a chair. Yeah. Today was the day to be on YouTube. You know what else today? Last week I did a podcast ready for this one about how was my wife's and I 28th anniversary last Wednesday. But you know what's also what this week is? It's our 25th anniversary. We met July 2nd, 1995, this weekend in Seattle. In fact, it was the same setup because we did have an open mic Monday. The 4th of July was Saturday, and I went down to the underground. I looked in

the window. I'm like, oh my God, I rubbed the brick. I'm like, I'm finally here at the underground and shit. And then we had an open mic Monday. You came in with your hat and I jumped right on your dog. What's up with the bus? Yeah. I'm surrounded with all these people with Yama Kazan, whatever the fuck. But it's 25 fucking years. I know you now. Holy shit. I didn't want you to feel old, but fuck it. My fucking God. 25 years. You came on a Monday. You got to go back to Lobo Loco. Yeah. And then I think we finally, Tuesday you hung out. There's Tuesday you can hang out. That is crazy. 25 years this week. I had no idea it was this week. I got there like July. I did the triple run. How soon, when you got there, how soon did you make it down to the

underground? Like how long had you been in Seattle? You got there and did the triple run? You want the truth? Yeah. I did the triple run on a Saturday night. It had to be, I was in LaGrange, Oregon with Carol. No, I was alone. See how far it is from LaGrange, Oregon to Seattle, Washington. So you were, you were by yourself? I was by myself. My deal was to do a triple run to lead me to Seattle to drop me off a few hours from Seattle. Do you have any, do you remember at all who you were doing that run with? Some shitty fuck. Oh no, no. I don't remember his name, but he was a really, really, really good guy. As a matter of fact, he lived in like Laguna Beach.

It's about 325 miles. So 325 miles divided by 70 miles an hour is what? Five hours. Five hours. I think I did it in like three hours. Because she was getting out of work at the strip club at 2. And I beat her to her apartment. She left me a key under the mat. Yeah. And I went in and she came home from the strip club. So that was a Saturday night at 2? Yeah. I was at the underground the next day by lunchtime. I had attention. Yeah, man. You understand me? Like, I don't know, I don't know what you're talking about. She was talking about going to pickpickpickpikes market. I'm like, go fuck your mother in the

end. Let's go see the underground first. So we took like a fucking cab down to the underground. It was closed. It was lunchtime. I was like, fuck, and I rubbed the brick. I could tell that there was a bar. Like I was like, the bar upstairs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck is this? This is not what was told. And how, how had you heard about the open mic on Monday? Did you ask somebody at Swanings? Because there wasn't like an internet you were looking at. It was closed that Saturday. Yeah. And it was closed that Sunday for the 4th of July weekend. God. So I called like Monday and Ron Reed called back and he's like, oh, tonight's the open mic. Because I, oh, Rick Kearns gave me the, the, the. Do you remember? Rick Kearns gave me the, he goes, when you go up there,

tell Ron Reed, you're a friend of mine, tell Fox, you're a friend of mine. So I took, called Ron Reed. Ron Reed just said, go down to the thing and sign up. Carl was there. The best. He put me up like number one, because they always put you up first. The first night you went, you went up first. When I was a host, it got 50 bucks. 50 bucks. How much is 50 bucks back then? A lot. When you hosted on a Monday and you got 50 bucks. Come on, man. And then my girl had the contest in Tacoma. Oh yeah. Susan Jones, the fucking thing in Tacoma. That's how we made a living, Mondays. Mondays was our big living. If you won the contest, you won a yardstick and you'd come back to follow Monday and

host. But also, you know what else you, we did a bunch up there was we would find, we would find one nighters that we knew weren't going to last, but for like two or three months, you got a paycheck to host or whatever. You know what I mean? Like we must have, I personally must have started and failed 15 rooms at least, right? I mean, so fucking many, so many. They lose, but like I still remember you taking me to an underground. We used to do, it was pretty much the same shit. Monday, Tuesday was the underground. Wednesday was a Laura Crocker gig, one of those gig. Thursday, we crashed somebody's, well, no, Wednesday, we still had the underground because Wednesdays, it was still somebody's night. So at least I had a night, sorry, Lee, we're coming down.

Yeah, we did a lot of people's nights on Wednesdays. We're coming down on Wednesday night. Did you, did any of those guys let you tour with them up there? Who took you out on the road? Vince found as well. So I got there on a Monday, all right? Yeah. I got there on a Saturday. This is how I tell people. Like I tell people like, listen, when you're dealing with me, you're dealing with the wrong guy. Well, like when you, if you come to me and tell me your story, you're dealing with the wrong guy because you're not going to stop me. Yeah. So I got down a Saturday at two in the morning. I was at the underground at 12 the next day, which is the Lord's Day, and it was closed. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You want to talk about love for comedy? And then I was back

there Monday. The open mic started at eight. I was there at seven at attention. Like, yeah, fucking, like I was about to go on and Madison Square Garden. I went up there and he told me, come back tomorrow night. Then I came back the next night. And then Wednesday, somebody turned me on to something, somewhere in Ballard. Yeah, Wednesday's baller. Those were the nights that we would find a place just to fucking, if you give us 150 bucks, we'll put up 15 comics or we'll put up four comics, whatever we can put together. And then you ready for this? That Thursday, I already got a call. I'm going to remind you of another story that you're going to tell all these people at home could remember that Thursday. I already had a call from John Fox. You're working

Friday and Saturday in Idaho at that Moscow, Moscow, Idaho. And you know who the headliner was? Wait, Vince Valenzuela. Get out. And he treated me like a gentleman. He was a good dude. He's a good dude. He's on Facebook. Yeah. I sent him a message a while ago. He didn't hit me back, so I don't know if he does comedy anymore. He does. He does. He's a great, he's a good guy. He was a brother to me on the road. He's a super nice guy. You did that gig for 50 bucks. Well, 75 bucks and he mailed you a check. Yeah. A month later. That was the worst. Yeah. You had to drive back from there. Hung over his fuck because they would send you a prairie farts, which is tequila with Tabasco sauce in them. I remember still seeing the New England Patriot quarterback at the airport.

Drew Bledsoe. Drew Bledsoe. He went to that school. Washington State. Washington State, so it was fucking crazy. Because, because Moscow is right across the line from Washington. So Washington State and, and what's in Moscow is what? University of Idaho, maybe something like that. But so they're right next to each other. So yeah, those Washington State guys came through all the time. I got work before the first week. I already featured for Vince Valenzuela. I drove home on fucking Saturday going like, wow, now it's that easy. Like I just came up here. Yeah. And bit slap motherfuckers into a first week of work. That's fucking crazy. Okay. Then me and him were eating lunch. I was eating free lunch at his bar one day. About three or four weeks later,

I'm eating fucking the chicken moley. That was tremendous. Oh, that dude made the best chicken moley. Holy shit. And I would just leave him a chip. And it was, he would give me like a check and I would push it away. And his brother with the fake eye because he got stabbed in it. Yeah. You can't write this shit. Those dude made some great fucking food. I'm up there with him. Do you still remember when Homeboy walked in and started a fight with me? You don't remember that fight that day? Because I went up there with fucking roller skates on. Like I was in no mood. I just came from Denver. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. You still remember what? Yeah. I just came from fucking Denver where there's no action where I would drive to fucking

Wyoming to do an open mic. You got the wrong motherfucker. You got the wrong guy. I would drive to Wyoming on Thursday nights to do an open mic. So stop with your bullshit. So right after that, I fucking won on the tab because then Alberto gave me work the following week. The Cuban guy at the old improv, the improv at closing Seattle. That was right across from Pike Marks. And then we were going to bar downstairs across the street. Oh, come on. Who the fuck you thinking that was the old improv theater? I think the club was the improv theater out there without just Steve McGrew got. Yeah. So it was a theater that was the improv. The cross the street from Pike's Peak is deja vu. Oh yeah. 50 ugly girls and one fat one. And then across the street from that

is Pike's Market in those days. And across the street from Pike's Market on the side was a little bar we used to go to on the side. You could sneak in. It was a white people bar. But right along I used to take this. Yeah. Right along used to take us was a light skin brother married to a white good dude. I just talked to him a couple of weeks. Every time I see him, I showed I call my wife, my I call him Zombo, but I call my daughter Zombo. But he was good to you up there too. Rod along was really good. That was one of the headlines. Yeah, man. He was like Rogan. Yeah. He was like, bring it. Yeah, he was good to you. He was like, bring it. You're going to go up there and throw heat. Bring it because I want to follow you. He was a really solid guy. I still leave

messages. Eddie, what do you think of Zombo? And they call me back, Joe Dior. What the fuck is wrong with you, Joe Dior? Yeah, man. He was a good guy. Who was so the first person he used to have an Altoid can filled with the best weed that was grown in his cell. He had good weed. Every time he'd show up and he treated it like a fucking like a pot of gold. It was an Altoid can that he'd fill up with weed that was just, I remember trying to steal a butter from him one time. He's like, Joe Dior's. Don't think about it because we drove to LA one time. We drove here together. You did? Me and him. We stayed. How fucking crazy is it? Wait, what year is that? He drove me down for the Latino last festival showcase. When you want to talk about a lucky

dude, motherfuckers. Okay. I just mentioned it to him. I just go, I got to come up with money for this festival. I got to go to LA showcase and he goes, I got to go to LA next week, set up the next week and I set it up and he had a break because he was an artist. Yeah. He used to take pictures on the road. He would take pictures on the road. He'd love going on the road because this thing was to take pictures and then he'd come home and fill it in with paint and he would sell them. He had like a big fucking market for those before the internet. I fucking like, he was like a mentor to me. Like he used to tell me how to act, how to crack jokes. He was a great writer. He had a bit. Do you remember his opening joke that he would do almost everywhere? He would

say I was, because Bellevue was a super white place and he would always say I was over in Bellevue today at the mall and I could hear the security guy behind me go, I'm going to need some help. There's a black guy here who's clearly not big enough to be a seahawk or a sonic. That was his, he used to, wherever he was, something. I butchered that joke if he's listening. One Sunday night. I love to laugh. I'm comedians. I love when a comic fucking just throws me off. Sunday nights were shit nights there, especially after football or marina game. Yeah. The upstairs would be packed. Yeah. I mean, ask him, we would have the seahawks upstairs. We would have the man. Yo, when the Yankees were in town, the Yankees. I still remember hanging with Christian Fourier.

Yeah. Who became a New England patriot later. Yeah, man. Well, he was a seahawk because I knew him from Boulder. Dude, that's weird. I knew him from Boulder, him and Chad Brown. Yeah. I remember going upstairs and seeing him and him going, what the fuck? Yeah. I'm like, holy shit. Yeah. You're here. He's like, I got drafted by Seattle. He used to be out. That's the bar we were at. He was out all the time. Every night. Every fucking night. I got a snot coming out of my nose. It's terrible. I'll lose hair or some shit. But those are the people that hung out upstairs. Yeah. Eddie Vedder was up there one night with McDowell. Jack McDowell. Jack McDowell. I mean, it was just a party. And some of them used to get behind the bar or bartender and bartender, Filipino bartender

who hated me. So I gave him some Coke one night and then he went off. After that, he started liking me. He started giving me a tab and he started taking candy that way. What was the name? Wow, man. Billy. You could hear Billy laugh. We had some good people down in that kitchen. Dog, it was like. Do you remember the weekend? It was that Rick Kerns was in town and it was me, you and Rick Kerns. And so Friday night, Rick does two shows. We all do two shows together and he crushes and I come down Saturday and I sit in the green room. He was like, I haven't met you before. I'm Rick. I'm like, I opened for you last night. He goes, yeah, I don't remember last night. I still remember me and Josh opening up for

the black dude that rented the Jaguar and took us to the strip club and gave us James Stevens, James Stevens, a third. He was the best. He took me and Josh open friend. Me and Josh. He was the best. Just macked on to his show. We just macked on to his show. He was on the Stephanie Miller show and when he heard he was coming up to the bar, me and Josh were like, we're in there. We were like, we're going in there. That's ours. We had Ron Reed. So Ron Reed's wife God rest his soul was his manager. So we'd see Ron and go Ron. We see that. I still remember Louis C.K. coming. I still remember Doug Stanhope. Do you remember he taped at Louis C.K.? The Stanhope taped to CD. CD there. I still remember hanging with Mitch Hedberg. God rest his soul.

This was like a fucking great club. He was there a lot. A lot with Charlie Hogan. What was the Ramona? Ramona. We had the fucking, we had a transvestite that did comedy. Rita O. We had a fat black chick that was hysterical. That did comedy. We had a little black guy. What was his name? Cliff Barnes. Cliff Barnes was my dog. My high friend Bula. But Lehigh's down here, man. Yeah, Lehigh's down here. He just reached out a couple of weeks ago. We had this little comedy family. But one day, so I ride away. I got work from Alberto, the Cuban dude. He was kind of gay. Yeah. And by the way, we didn't know for sure. Also Brody, Tana, Mark. Brody, Tana. I mean, this was like, yeah. So now I get, so my July was pretty much Moscow, Idaho, Alberto. I picked up the

volcano room. Oh, yeah. That was in the Tri-Cities. Yeah. That was like fucking big time. 375 for the weekend. What was the name of the woman? Donna Richards. Donna Richards. Donna Richards booked the volcano room over by Idaho. There's a city by Idaho, Spokane, something else and something else. It's called the Tri-Cities. Yeah. And it mixes. So it was like a three hour drive. Rodney Sherwood was the first guy. He was my dog. Dude. He was fucking funny. Rodney Sherwood took me to the volcano room. What was the name of the room you and I and Lenny Schmidt did? That was in Roseburg. That was Roseburg, which was death. That was where the strip club, the DJ, she was the MC. She was the waitress and she was the stripper. Yeah. And then there was,

and then the Chinese restaurant we did was Caloons. That's why I sold them for the half ounce of weed. But Caloons also had a restaurant in Eugene that was off the chain, this fucking dead pork fried rice. They would fry the rice and then give you a huge slices of fucking barbecue pork on top of that. Fucking tremendous. Fucking tremendous. But so I'm rocking and rolling. Guys, you ever see the Sopranos when the guy from Broadwalk Empire gets out of jail and he goes to see the old guy, the guy that was in Scarface, the guy from Scarface that played the white dealer that Tony kills for Michelle Pfeiffer. He's on the Sopranos. Remember when he came out of jail and there's one scene where he gives him an envelope and the guy from Broadwalk Empire goes,

what's this? And he goes, you just got out a week ago. And he goes, bro, I came out, I hit the ground running. Like when you come out, you hit the ground running, you don't look back. And when I went to Seattle, like I was like, I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to become a way better comic. So I went on a tag. Like I got everybody's phone numbers. And from Monday to Friday, in those days on Mondays, you had a fax avails. You had a fax avails to Pat Wilson, Donna Richards, your manager, John Fox. That was what you did. Not Monday at two, not Monday at 11, not Monday at 9.30. Monday at 8.59. I was already at the store because at nine, I was on the phone with the guy from Giggles. Okay. So that was my word.

What was his name? And I was snort and blow back then. Oh, yeah. I was doing it all. I don't want to hear those stories about. Yeah. That's why I love people. Like, oh, yeah, well, nothing's happened. No. I went to Seattle and I hit the ground running so hard in the month of July that like by mid-August, by already in July, I got in the underground. I was supposed to leave. I wasn't supposed to stay in Seattle. Yeah. That's what nobody doesn't know. I wasn't supposed to stay. I was supposed to be back in Colorado August 15th for football season. But John Fox called me and gave me Memorial Day, Labor Day weekend to open up for Laurie Kilmartin as a feature act at the underground. Everybody could suck my dick in those days. Yeah. When you featured at the underground,

you were featured. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. That's it. No more MCing. Bye. Yeah. So I'm going to go back to Boulder and get into a fight with my ex-wife or knock out the boyfriend or go to prison. I got a feature. I just let life contradict. I did not know. Pretty good. Not bad. I didn't know you were supposed to go in August. Yeah. No, I left it in God's hands. When I went to Seattle, I put it in God's hands. I said, God, you tell me what you want me to do. I got a daughter in Boulder. They don't want me. She doesn't want me around. I'm going to jail. You let me know what you want me to do. And every weekend in Seattle, boom, Donna Richards, boom, Pat Wilson, boom, Omar, the gay guy, whatever it was, Alberto. Yeah. You know, then fucking he called me.

You know, John Fox called me. What are you doing late today? And I'm like, I'm going to be back in Boulder. And he goes, well, I wanted to offer you this weekend. I'm doing it. Yeah. That was it. That was it. Hell yeah. I said, where the fuck am I going to go? I was fighting for my life in Boulder. I was living in the Rocky apartment, doing six spots a week, driving 22 hours a week here just on Tuesday and Wednesday. I got three spots. Yeah. Because then you started taking me to a place where the lip worked. The first place we met the lick was at a bar that had cages. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They had cages and we went up. He said, come do come. Oh, there was there was birds. There was no, no, no, no, not the bird place across place. This was still in Seattle. Oh,

we used to have to get in the car and make go the street going into the underground came this way. Yeah, we would have to make a left and go up that side street and then go up a little bit. And then you went up there and it was like a cool hip. Yeah, you went downstairs and there was girls dancing in cages and the lip was a nice guy. It's like a damon. Like if you had a fucking bar and you're like, come down to his day, you want to come to come down. Yeah, there was no Mike. There was nothing. There was no like, did you tell anybody why that you called the lip? No, no, it was me, you and like we like gang sat racked the place. But it was like six of us haven't always came with us. We go up and eight bucks. Let me get six beers. There's only $8 here.

You say you're comfortable. Oh, you guys want mugs. No. If I wanted a mug, I'd ask you for a mug. There's six of us with a comics and we're doing beer. We want beer and we got eight dollars. Talk to the owner. He'll tell you. And then we'd like, look at this, like, what the fuck are these girls saying? So we went, you know, so the lip, the lip was like, like, the lip used to get these huge sores on his lip. It was herpes, mixed with AIDS, mixed with like Seattle juice, some grunge. I had never seen anything like that on somebody's body. They were these massive and he never mentioned it. Not, he just talked to you with the herp about the blow in your face. And you accepted. You just talked to him like, if it blows up, I hope it doesn't hit me in the

mouth. This dude never even mentioned it. And he was good looking as fuck. Yeah, man. That's what it was. He had herpes from slinging dick. Yeah. You know, he had herpes from slinging dick. And by the way, that huge thing on his lip never stopped him from picking up one. No, he would pick up things he'd make up with them. They wouldn't even ask. He was like sweet dick Willy. They wouldn't even ask. He was that good looking. Like he was. He was that good looking guys. And he, I mean, I'll never forget the first time we showed up. And he's like, all right. He's like, who's going up first? And we're like, are you going to turn the music off? Yeah. Like he was like fucking, like, you know, that crazy music. It wasn't the grunge of nothing. It was like white people,

like make believe white people, like, you know, it was a lounge and shit. We're not just going to walk up there. And he's like, yeah, go up there. And I remember like three of us went up, all three of us ate a bag of dicks. And then we had to have a talk with him. Like, listen, we'll come up here, but you got to set up for us. Yeah. You can't just have us come in here. When you get turned off the music, you got to turn the music off. You got to let people know there's comedy. These are not comedy people. These are beautiful people. You know those people, like they're beautiful people, like they have minks on in July, shit like that. Those are the type of people they are. There's nothing worse than staying in front of a room of people who

don't know they're going to see comedy. No, they didn't even know because they don't want that. That's the last thing you never want to be surprised with a standup. If you want to go see standup, you fucking go see standup. So right away, people were like, what the fuck is this? And the music was going and the girls were dancing. It was, it was a no win. But the worst no win we ever had. Do you remember that place? I think it was in Kirkland that had the birds in the cage. In the back, yeah, he would fucking churn. During your set, it was just like. And you'd be on stage. And the parrot was the size of a zoo. He was, he was huge. And he would, he would chip on shit. He'd be eating and the microphone would pick it up.

And you're like, I can't win. Can this fucking and then it was like a piano in the room. You know, for you guys think that comedy is like this fucking luxurious career. Oh my god. It really isn't like the first couple of years, if you're like first 10 years, if you don't have a sense of humor, you are not going to make it. Like Felicia told me a story one time when she had to go to New York to showcase and she had no money and Dennis Leary said, you could stay at my apartment. I don't stay in there and that she went and there was the dead of winter and the window was broken and that there was no blanket that she had to lay on the floor and the window was broken. And she's like, this is comedy. This is what I chose.

I go, did you feel bad? Were you scared? She goes, no. And then I got an hour into the night. What's his name from the tonight show? Open the door. He used to book, he was like a regular comic. Felicia said, he didn't know I was staying there. So he came over one night and that's how they became friends. The guy that said girls aren't funny. He used to book letter him. Yeah, I know you're talking about. She goes, that's how I met him was at Dennis Leary's apartment. She's talking like 1989 or something like that. Like, you know, so these are the stories that everybody thinks is like this fucking, I still remember there were nights if I didn't, if I got caught in Seattle and fucked

around, I would miss the last bus to your house in Bellevue. And I would have to sleep at fucko's house, which was a pleasure also because you never knew what was going to happen. There you go. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I said, that's that fucking Israel. I said Israeli milk. Look at Lee. He's 420 milligrams, 48 hours in. His eyes haven't been open since I walked in here. I'm not even going to eat tonight. Let's see if I can fight off the munchies. That's what Custa's last words. I mean, but what? I mean, he's got food on his shirt. Water and I spit up. Oh my God.

We got fucked up last night. My wife found an apple core and the blank in the living room. She said what she got this one. She goes, I'm going to fold the blanket and there's an apple core. What the fuck did you do last night? She goes, what did you drink? I made a protein shake. I ate a couple of fucking apples by dog at night. I'm on a different level. And you got to remember, I ate what Lee ate yesterday plus 100 milligram tube of quickies, which the guy that I gave a tube to, he's still fucked up today. He called me today. He goes, you got me because oh my God, I was fucked up. I go, what happened to you? He goes right after you left. He runs in subconscious jiu-jitsu. I gave him a tube. I went over there like four in the afternoon. I'm bored as fuck.

I'm about to die. This is the worst 4th of July, Saturday. That was the worst thing. By the way, that was the worst thing I've ever suffered through in my life. You love fucking people up. You take, you fucking... There's certain holidays that need to be fucked up. Holidays, days, hours. Yes, Saturday. It's six o'clock on a Tuesday. My wife has a friend and the kid wanted to come over and play with mercy. So we agreed to ride bikes. So we rode bikes for fucking two hours and we would have to stop every like 15 minutes and fucking talk. It's just not my 4th of July. I'm not cut out for that shit. I'm saying, I look like Johnny Picnic. I'm not Johnny Picnic. I'm gonna eat at a table. I'm not into Picnicic. Camping people on

bays. That's it. I don't like none of that shit. I'm gonna talk to you the more. I know you didn't shower. I know you didn't shower and you want to talk to me about what? So I'm really... It was just the worst 4th of July ever. When it ended, when we got home at 3.30, my wife knew. Just by looking at me. I took the bike. I helped her carry the shit in. I took my bike. I put it in the back. I went to look at the weed and I had like an eighth left of some dynamite shit. I did two bomb hits and I'm like, this isn't gonna be enough. If I am so bored on the 4th of July, I'm gonna fucking cry. But there's only one thing I could do to stop me from crying. Like, I'm just gonna load up on edibles. So I went over to Urban Trees. I bought two quickies.

What's a quickies? Quickies is a tube. It's 100 milligram. It's like a five hour energy drink. Oh, it's a drink? Yes, a five hour energy, but they have an indica, a sativa, and they have that nighttime blend. Okay. They don't even sell that. They don't even rent this stuff. Do you know what I found out? I found out that ABX, which I love, has a sleeping blend. Like, what the fuck are you talking? I know if I take two of these, I'm sleep walking. You know what I'm saying? What do you mean a sleeping addition? I didn't even know that I went to Urban Trees. I go, what the fuck is this? They have it like I'm 25 or 50 milligrams. That must be perfect. That'll kill somebody.

Yeah. So what they're doing is now is they're putting like melatonin, CBN, fucking the other shit root. I drink a tea that's three milligrams. Yeah. I dare you motherfuckers to drink it. Kecomo tea. Three milligrams. Three milligrams of THC. Three milligrams of THC. Three milligrams of CBN, not CBD. What's CBN? Cut your legs off. Your legs start wobbling, shit. So you got punched in the head. And how do I know? Because I overdose on that shit every night. I don't only drink, I don't drink one tea bag. I do three. Okay. So that's nine milligrams of THC, CBN, and like everything else I just told you about. Yeah. Melatonin, fucking Echinacea root. And I think that puts you to sleep. It's all put into

one thing. That's brilliant. That is the most brilliant thing I ever heard. You sleep through the night? Oh, you will sleep during the night, during the day, you know, you'll sleep walk. And here's the thing that people do not know. The one thing I always avoid, like when I have a lot of anxiety, the doctor prescribed the little white ones. And those little white ones don't do like I don't take them at night because you can't sleep on, you sleep apnea, you can't take Xanax. That's what people don't know. People don't know that you can't take sleep aids when you have sleep apnea, that you'll rest too much and you'll fucking die. A friend of ours died from that. There's a comedian who died from having sleep apnea, taking Xanax and drinking and didn't use a

machine and he died. So I made it a habit, but that those CBD things, like CBD from CBD line. Yeah. If I do the 2000 milligrams under my tongue, it takes me a longer time. It's an hour till I fall asleep. But when I hit, I'm hit. You're hit. You're hit. You hit hard, you know what I'm saying? So when you take all that shit and sprinkle 100 milligrams of THC in it, and not just 100, they put 99 in to keep it at the legal level, okay? Because you can't sell 100 milligrams. So how high are you? How long are you high? Okay, so let's talk. Forever. Let's talk narcotics here. This fucking butt. He gets high for three. Look at him. He's still high from last night. He's still high from last night. So are you? No, I'm not. I burnt it off.

I burnt it off. I got on that bicycle. I sweat it out because I know more is coming in. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I know what type of day I'm going to have. I prepare my day mentally. I prepare already for tomorrow. I know what I'm going to do. I know when I can do it and when I can't do it. I got to be at the gym at 10.45. So I have an appointment. So I know. But after that, I'm loose. I don't have to go to the comedy store since I'm loose. It's not like I have to stay sober for anything anymore. You know what I'm saying? By the way, you just perfectly described my entire time during quarantine. This is quarantine. I'm loose. I'm loose. I'm loose as well. You have nowhere to be. Super loose. Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you living like a half a

fag if you don't have to? There's nowhere to be. Super loose. This is the time to do heroin. Whatever the fuck you want to do. This is the time. I told you I've been taking a bunch of mushrooms. Oh, I know. This is the time. Super loose. So if you're going to go, go. Now I was so fucking bored on the 4th of July. I was about to kill somebody. There was not a soul on the streets of California. Not a soul. I walked into the weed store. I was like Frankenstein and I was like, so they just stacked me up. I said, listen, it's a bad day. The chick's like, okay, honey. She just started putting quickies in there. She put two things of pills that I don't know what they called. Oh, they were a complete different level. The last time I gave it to him, he'd like

ate them and looked like eight minutes later. He goes, I can feel these already. They just go off. Are they the same type? No. They're like little fucking pills. They come 10 in a container to 25 milligrams a piece. You don't go down hard. So I bought two canisters of quickies, two canisters of those. No, no, I got these everywhere. You see these? I got these everywhere. So I fucking was driving on Lancashire. I saw my boy sitting there by himself. I go, how can I let him? What kind of gentleman am I? I got to let him sit by himself on the 4th of July. So I made the U-turn. I go back. I went in there with both tubes in my hand. He was like eating like five guys. No, he was eating Jersey Mike's. He's like, how you doing? I go, good. I go,

I brought you a present. He goes, what is that? He goes, I got how you're washing the back and something like that. You don't need that. He finished the sandwich. I let him finish the sandwich. Now just open it. You don't ask people. You don't, you don't say nothing. You just open it. You fucking stick a key in the top and you give it to him. That's it. It's like a Ben Franklin close. What's a Ben Franklin close? They turn around, they put a pen, they turn around whoever talks first loses. So I gave him the bottom and he just looked at it and he goes, what's in this? Like, what do you think of this? Just drinking. I popped mine and I went all the way back like fucking like I was on the Titanic. And I saw him go like three quarters. It was about 330.

Yeah. So I sat there with him until about 10 to four. At 10 to four, I said, I got to go. I had been torturing him for about since about nine in the morning. I'm coming over, you're on fire, drink milk. Because I still got the thousand milligram brownies. The what? Thousand milligram brownies. Look at the look on his face. It tastes like dirt. That you eat hummus. I see the tacos. I see the food you eat. This is fine. This is way better than the food you eat. We had those communist hamburgers. The frozen patty ones. They even jail you eat better. Right? So this, I still got those thousand milligram chocolate ones. Those things, you eat a whole one of those. You have no idea. Listen, listen, it's not fucking

sourly. Yeah, no, I get it. But you got a glass of milk. Yeah, no, I get it. You dip it in there and you dope it up. You force your way. It tastes great. It just tastes like weed with chemicals in it. Like animal tranquilizer. No big deal. Listen, we're spoiled by the way Edibles tastes when they first came out. They all tasted like that. Every single one. I'm gonna make tonight, baby. I'm gonna make some hash cookies. Oh yeah? I got some real nice hash from the one I drew. He brought me some real fucking hash. Does he have a patch? He's got a patch. He gets his dick sucked more than anybody. I told Lili we should just take your eye out because if you ain't getting no pussy, guys with eyepatches get pussy. What eye?

Guys with eyepatches get pussy. He gets pussy. So he brought me over this Egyptian hash guys with eyepatches. It's on fire. This shit's on fire. Really? It stops. No, it's too much. So I'm gonna eat it. Bruce Lee used to eat that shit and that guy in Hollywood, they used to make sugar cookies. Me and Ralphie used to eat a... Oh, hash is a different... Yeah. When you eat hash alone and you wake up, you got 18 massages. Everything is loose. So I think I'm gonna eat that hash tonight, Jack, when I get home. Wait, are you gonna cook it up? I'm gonna cook it up and put it in something. Tonight? Tonight. Maybe make like hash chicken noodle soup. That is not what I thought you were gonna say. What the fuck? You put it in anything. It's

a taste to say. That's what they do. That's what the chefs do. You break that down. What do you melt it down in butter? Melt it with a little butter. Yeah. Just take it, drip it, wait till it take melts until like that black little paste. Yeah. You put that right into the cookies. Oh, oh, sometimes I... So hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Let me tell you about the rest of the afternoon. So I give it 10 minutes. I leave it 10 to 4. I go, I can't torture Lee until I know he's fully tortured. So about 4.30, I start calling my boy and he ain't answering the phone. So I know he's fucked up. So it's 4.30. I left the dude 40 minutes ago. I was just gonna call him up to check it on him. He ain't answering the phone. Yeah. So I called him at 4.30. I called him again at 5.

He didn't pick up. That's one down. Now I got this pigeon to work on. So I call him up. He's like, I'm in. I'm on. Bring it, bitch. He starts challenging me and shit, Lee. He's like, bring it, bitch. I'm ready. Where are you? I'm waiting here for you. I'm gonna be right over. So we split. After I drank the hundred, we ate three more hundred and 125 pills. So I really had 5.25 in me. And then I went home and functioned like nothing. I drew with my daughter. I hung out for like nine. I watched a movie with them. That's right. I watched whatever, Toy Story 4. I watched Toy Story and I was losing my mind. 525 milligrams? 525 milligrams. Then do the right thing came on and my wife goes, I'm gonna go to, it was like my quarter to 10.

And that's when I started feeling it. It started coming on. I started smoking ash. I'm smoking reefer. I'm in nicotine gum and shit. I'm getting fucked up, Jack. I'm getting fucked up. I remember making a protein shake. And then after the protein shake, I go, oh fuck. I got those THC pills from Kikomo. So I was listening to Velvet Revolver, the one album. And I was writing some, guys, I'm sorry. You know how it is. You ever start eating some, popping them in your mouth. And after then you look down, it's like four left. Yeah. Fuck. There was four left. I had eaten like 20 of those Kikomo sleep aids. Yeah. I'm like, am I gonna fuck? So after about 30 minutes, I got feel all right. I'm not gonna die. I go, you know what?

Let me go watch Narcos. I still had Narcos on whatever I go. Let me go watch this last episode of Narcos. And I put three Kikomo things into a fucking mug. And I fucking drank that. And that's it. Oh, that's it? That's all I remember. I know I didn't go in. I know I tumbled in there about two. Maybe I don't fucking know. First of all, after 525 milligrams, I would be, I don't even know what the fuck would happen to me at 500. Here's the scary thing, guys. These like I'm done with. Like I have to take a breather from these. I could definitely four pills and walk out of here. No. See, I, there's no way. I could do three and nothing happens. What are you talking about? You just didn't pass out all day. No, I didn't pass out last night. I passed out like two in the

fucking morning, but I was fucked up. That's a big difference. And I got up at seven. I got up at seven, seven, 30. Yeah. Nothing happened. It's like nothing happened. I got up at seven. They're like, nothing happened. I went in. I looked at the computer. There was nothing happening. And I put my sweats on and I had, but you, you, you don't wake up high or nothing at 54. Wait, watch your points. I gotta hit 61 for my goal. So I said, fuck this. I got up. I drank a cup of coffee. I got a little zoom to me. I drink this little red stuff like a pre-energy drink from on it. I drank a little bit of that. I went right back in that bathroom. I did three fucking bong hits. And the last one had a chunk of hash.

The hash thing was on fire. And I hit my daughter, dad. I'm like, I'm blowing the fucking thing out in the back bathroom. I finally walk out. She's like, where you been? I was back there seeing, like, you know, I can't even imagine all of the things you've told her you were doing. I wasn't back fighting the dragon. She never comes looking for me really at eight in the morning. She never comes looking for me at eight. She comes around about eight 30. She sits in a room playing that Spanish fucking game, learning how to speak Spanish on her own. So there's a scam. There's like a program that teaches you how to, your kid how to speak Spanish. So she fucking loves it. She does it all fucking day.

Then she comes and tortures me in Spanish with that fucking, with that book Spanish. I don't know the book Spanish. You know, so the one day we were doing it together, she got like three wrongs. She's like, what type of Spanish are you? She's like, fuck you. She's like, I'll take my chances by myself. She goes, what kind of Spanish are you? How are you Spanish? You got three wrongs. I go, I don't understand this. Come on, come on. I don't fucking know the shit pronouns. Just speak the fucking Spanish. I'm talking. All right. Talking that shit. Dr. back. There you go. Salud. There you go. Those two farts don't have no milk to them though. They're like kosher. They got no stint to them. You know what I'm saying? I'm too close to the door.

They're kosher farts. I want Lee to inhale those and to make some feel at home. You know what I'm saying? He smells those during fucking Passover. I'm poorly. You have that call. I'm like, what are you walking? I call Steve Simone. Steve, call Lee telling me to go and walk with you today. It's all over. I can't walk. No walk. That's the best time to walk is when you're out. No, it's not. It's 100 degrees that you want me to go outside and walk. Dog, it's good for you. You sweat that shit out. It's good for your skin. Yeah. Listen, if this is what his eyes look like right now,

where's he going to walk? He can't. His eyes must not have been open earlier today. That's the way to walk. If you're going to walk to get healthy, that's how to walk. You don't want to walk straight. You're not going to do nothing straight. You got to smoke to walk. You put your little iPod on and you start walking. How long? And next thing you know, you're in fucking Hollywood. Mike Ricky used to walk to Hollywood from the valley. Don't fucking tell me. Don't tell me why. Where is Ricky right now? Who knows? But don't tell me. He used to walk over that fucking hill. Walk over that fucking hill every day. He lost like fucking 80 pounds in a week. Remember, he was like, there's nothing to do at home. What makes you walk from the valley?

I could be bored as fuck. I'm not walking to Hollywood. That's not happening. No. Because once you're in route, you're in route. But dude, you used to walk everywhere. Oh yeah, I used to walk for fucking, that's why I told my wife the other day, like I'm done with walking. Yeah. She's like, really? I can't do it no more. I am sick of walking. I've walked for four. I'm from New York, guys. I walked. I walked as a kid. Dude, you walked here. Nobody fucking walks here. You walked here. I used to walk from. Yeah. Your house to Argyle and back like nothing. Because I used to sell screws on Argyle. I could walk from Vista. Bro, I still remember us walking from that place to the commie storm back like nothing.

My place? No. That fucking bar we used to. Oh yeah. On one Tuesday nights. Union. And we didn't know if the commie storm was going to have a room. I still remember going to commie storm, getting coke, walking back to the union. Knowing you got to walk back. It's fucking July. Yeah, it's fucking hot at night. We used to walk. And that place had no air conditioning. No, we squat to the patio yard. The other place had no air conditioning. It was packed in there. It was hot. Can you fucking believe that was 25 years ago? I can't. Yeah, my first feature weekend legitimately. I had a feature weekend. I always tell people my first real feature weekend was Lavonia, Joey's in Detroit, and in the Dearborn. That was my first feature weekend.

But that wasn't an eight club at the time. The undergrad was an eight club. My first feature weekend was with Darrell Lennox in Moscow. In Moscow. That doesn't count. And then it's got to be a club to push you up. The first one at the underground might have been Dave Fulton. Yeah, probably Dave Fulton. It might have been. Yeah, I think it might have been Dave Fulton. I don't know, man. I don't know if he was around that. I don't know if he was around early when we were there. Yeah, wasn't he around later? He was around. He was coming back from England and stuff like that. He was going back and forth. I think great guy. Yeah, great comedy. You know, that was it. You know, it was funny, dude, too. Denver was great for me. You know,

like, you know, like when you give when you try to open up a jar and you try and you try and you try and you try and you can't open up that jar and then you give it to your fucking grandmother was 90 and she clicks it open. That's what I felt Seattle did for me. Like I was trying too hard in Denver. Seattle was what I found out. You know what? I'm gonna stick with this. Like Denver But did Denver, the thing that I found that was different about Seattle was you could find longer sets when you were starting all your sets weren't just three or five minutes. Sometimes in the early, we were still doing 10 or 15. I thank Seattle for one thing. I thank Seattle for one thing. Like I went to a college. Yeah, I went to a comedy college. Yeah,

I really am very proud of my comedy path. That's why I fought so fucking hard for it and man, you know, so it was a place where like at the time it was a good place to be a comic because it was a good, it was a good vibe and people were helping each other out. Very good community. Yeah. Let me tell you what Seattle taught you because of the contest. The contest is so revolved in the Seattle community that Monday and Tuesdays was six minutes with a light at five. Yeah. The people who are at home, who are at home, you're like, what's so big about that? You don't know what it is to learn how to be a comic. Finally fight for all these years to get all this time. And one day, somebody comes in and goes, Oh, by the way, we don't need you to do 25.

You're going to do six with a light at five. And if you go over six, you get a point taken off in the contest. If you do seven, you get two points taken off. So you learn why they did that. Okay. Yeah. So this is what a lot of people don't know at home that comedy fans about different scenes. Seattle scene was focused around the six minutes because they wanted you to be ready for the contest. So he taught you how to all year round. No, I don't give a fuck if you just did three hours in Yakima. We really don't give a fuck. We don't give a fuck if you did three hours in New York. Here on a Monday, you're going to do five. You're going to get a light at five and you're going to get off at six. Yeah. Whether you like it or not. And Carl would not let your eyes back on

there if you ran that fucking light. You did 15. Carl would even tell you at the end. Good set. Call me again. Come back next Monday. You would not get put on that fucking stage for lack of respect. Mitzi Shaw. Now you do that for two years. Then you come down here. What is Mitzi Shaw training you to do? Three minutes. Yeah, that was really hard. So think of the fucking why I'm so grateful that I took the path I did. Yeah. Because if you thought telling your life story in six minutes is hard, bitch, I got another one for you. Tell your life story in three fucking minutes. Yeah. So that was a complete different animal. And it's the comedy store. You don't run the light on a three minute spot.

Now when she's sitting there. Not when she's sitting there. You better. Yeah. So do you see those two educations? It was two different trains of thought. I got my hustle, Seattle and Josh. Josh doesn't remember this. I'm sitting eating chicken molle one day and now we're brothers. I mean, he's my brother. I love him to that death. But then I didn't know Craig gas. No, I didn't know Craig gas. And I'm sitting there Lobo loco one day chomping on some chicken molle on the arm, of course. And Craig gas. You go, do you know Craig? And I go, no. And Craig opens up with so you're the guy that's taking everybody's work up here. That's how much work I was eating for lunch. And I go, yeah, what's the problem?

He goes, man, it's not fair. Come again. You're dealing with the wrong motherfucker. I'm trying to pay child support. I'm trying to keep a nose habit. Yeah. I got a stripper girlfriend. I got to pay rent. And I got 1000 things going on. Yeah. If you don't think I'm eating your fucking lunch, you know, and he knows for a fact that Laura Crocker got arrested. So did not like me. But guess where I was Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights, doing a free set for Laura Crocker. And at the end, I got the last laugh. I would drive an hour to do a 10 minute guess at Laura Crocker's. And I still remember the owners saying to me, how come I haven't heard of you before? And I would tell them she don't like me. But it's okay. I'm just doing

a set. Yeah. That's the mentality. Like I turned into a savage. I forgot that she didn't like you. Yeah. She we got into an argument. She told you tell him not to call me guess who I called every Monday at night 10 after nine, Laura Crocker. Anybody to tell you call? I don't give a fuck. Nine o'clock, I used to call. She hated me. And she knew every Monday because those days, Tuesdays, yeah, it was national booking day. She knew on Tuesday, not 10 after nine, I would wake her up every Tuesday. I do Laura Crocker show dears and you would hear like, yeah. And I would just I knew her schedule of all her rooms. I would have it in front of me and I would just call the irritator to let her know that even though she didn't like me, I was still

winning the war. Yeah. You may not like me, but I'm gonna do your room for free because that's the type of motherfucker I am because I know at the end of the week, I'm just getting better. I'm going up in front of 70 people. I'm killing your feature. Whatever you got featuring. Once I go up there, his lights are out. The headliner really want me up there. No, at that time, I was already once stand up came up there. Yeah. 96. Once I saw that style. Yeah. Then I come took like two months after that. I started going off on Monday nights. I started going off on Monday nights. Yeah, like a different thing. Once I saw a stand open 96. I was like, the shit I'm doing with the suits. Then when I did Joey Diaz and his Mambo Kings of Comedy, I used to have Maracas.

I used to work. I worked every angle. Guys, you want to laugh or laugh or you want to do is hypnotize bitches. You know what I'm saying? Listen, I've never worked a hypnotize. I wore a fedora. He wore a fedora. This is the levels of comedy that you do. All right. And ever since that day, me and Craig Gasper became friends. Like I was like, Craig, I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to work, pay bills and get better as a comic. And that changed that. And then we became great friends. Yeah. Then we became Lionel. Lionel. Lionel. There was a, so you got to remember this. You know, dude, he's on Facebook. No, he's not 100%. Don't tell me his last name afterward. Because I want to come up. That was, you know, I don't know what people think comedy clubs are,

but for most people, I want you to spread the word. They're not a church and they'll never, ever be a sanctuary. Let's not even talk about the comedy store. Let's not even talk about the club where I came up in Denver. Let's talk about the underground for a second. Okay. At this time, and this is my witness. I still remember going to the underground at a quarter of eight, because that's what you did on Monday nights. You got there at a quarter of eight. You already signed up. Once you got seniority, Carl signed you up, but we would go to a quarter of eight. How many nights did you walk in there? And the eight o'clock billy was already doing blow the bar. Oh, come on. He used to have false teeth and his teeth would rattle and he would

show them to you. He would show like, dog, you can't write this shit. But his laugh, you could hear his laugh. He was just high pitched. It was crazy. How hot was his girlfriend? Crazy hot. Do you know how many nights I saw her at seven 30 watching the comic and she would not off from the heroin? Come on. What's the other guy that's on Facebook that used to work on Saturdays? The club with the white hair. Another fucking great guy that lives in Ireland now close to Fulton with the white hair. White hair back then with little hippie glasses. Oh, how good were these guys? Yes. I remember sitting there with him one night going, bro, look at the waitress. She was none other than the heroin. Billy was high on coke. She was high on heroin. Two of the other waitresses

were high on heroin. Heroin was big up there. That's what fucking Alice. This is within 95 guys. I still remember going to giggles and the hottest waitress at giggles was a hippie chick. And I used to buy like pills from her or weed or whatever coke. And I still remember saying to me, when are you going to go up to Lance? What was the singer of Alice in Chains? Lane Stanley? Is that his name? Is that his name? Alice in Chains. I don't know how many times she said to me, when are you going to come up to Lane's house or whatever? Because we could do some smack. They were all going to Capitol Hill. That girl was beautiful. She had to be, if it was 95, I was 32. She had to be 23, 24. I don't know how many times she sold me drugs, a little hippie.

Lance Daly? Lance Daly. Nice. I don't know how many times she told me on Saturday nights. If you want to go up to Lane's and get high, you're always welcome. I'm like heroin. I don't know. That needle shit. I can't see blood. I can't see needles. I would have gone up there if it was a cocaine party. I'm not going to lie to you. I would have gone up there. If the emphasis was cocaine, I would have stolen at Lane Stanley's house. I would have stolen at Lane Stanley's house. That's Lane Stanley. That's down in the hole. You ain't leaving. You ain't leaving. You're just going to die in his living room, but she doesn't say nothing about blow. I think she would get me blown, but she would always say to me, you're going to come up. You're not doing a shot. I'm

not doing no fucking shot at Lane Stanley's house. That was giggles in the U district. That was like, we had that. I barely, I barely, I didn't mess with it. I didn't mess with it. I never liked them. I never fucking, you couldn't mess with them because Laura didn't mess with them. There was something with Laura and the underground. John Fox. So since Laura was your manager, but he also this dude, what was his name? Pat, the owner of the giggle. Yeah. When we first got there, the owner of giggles was a pilot in Vietnam and he had been shot down and he was fucking nuts. He had a Jaguar. He drove a black Jaguar and he pulled up. Don't remember. He pulled up on the side. If you were on stage, you could see him pull up and you knew you had to go PG 13

before that. You're up there eating ass. But it's weird because he was you know, and as soon as he would pull up, you would have to go. He would walk through the back of the showroom and I have to go to knock, knock jokes like one animal. Don't you play cards with a cheetah? And once he would leave that thing, I'd start all over again with suck my dick. You fucking new district motherfuckers. So what was the track coach from Washington state? Nicest guy in the world. Funniest motherfucker. He plays flappers and every time he's a flapper, I want to go over there and say hello to him and hug him. He was the guy with the glasses from Seattle. He was a professor. Fucking funny motherfucker. He performs down here.

Yes, he comes down once a year and does flappers. He's on stage one night. This motherfucker I think was on a tonight show. And he's a funny fucking dude and he's spotless clean. Let me tell you how fucking crazy the elder was. I'm up on stage talking about farting people's faces, whatever. He's up there talking about Disneyland. At the end, we're both sitting at the bar and the owner walks up to him and says, let me tell you something. When I went through the showroom, you were a little dirty before he turns away from it. And he looks at me, this guy and he goes, you motherfucker. That's how retarded the owner of giggles was. He went up to him and said, you were a little dirty. And he's like, you motherfucker. How do you do this? And then that's

always buddies with a couple of waitresses up there. They all start a coke to giggles girls. I used to get the coke from the waitress at the underground. All those waitresses. But the girl at giggles used to get me coke, especially. So I had it down. Let me tell you how down I had giggles. Thursday night was that shit room he had. He had a shit room. Olympia. Oh, who shot that? Olympia. Hold on. I really hope you fall off that chair. Oh, Olympia. So you did Olympia on Thursday. He did something else there on Thursdays. So my goal was always to leave leave Olympia. You could drive with the headliner. Fuck you. I would leave Olympia while the headliner was on stage and I'd shoot up to giggles and I'd catch

him. He goes, weren't you an Olympia? Yeah. Let me get a hundred in advance. He would give me. Already? Can't you? Can't you wait till Saturday? Listen, I got time to wait till Saturday. I played a water bill. Give me a hundred bucks, will you? He would give me a hundred and he was such a Vietnam vet that I'm sad that he would pay me the full amount. So I started telling everybody, yo, come here. On Thursdays, don't wait. Go up there and I'm up for the hundred. He won't write it down because he's a Vietnam vet. He's retarded. He'll fucking... On America's birthday, Joe. In those days, Vietnam vets were gone. They've gone. So this went on like everybody I told. Like you have no idea. I told even Gavin did it. That was the whitest guy in America. Gavin wouldn't

rob anybody, but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. I was telling everybody. Every feature was like, dog, you're right. He doesn't remember. No wonder the place closed down. Then a Mormon guy bought it. He was like... That's the dude. Yeah, Terry. Terry. He's like, you're not working here. I haven't heard too many rumors about you. Yeah, I didn't know the first guy. Terry is the dude. Terry, the club was cool guys. We were a family. Nobody fucked nobody. Nobody got that dick sucked. That club was a drug college club. It was right in the U-District of Seattle. And I would love working there because Saturdays, I would get great coke up there. But there was two or three waitresses who were solid there.

The heroin chick, then there was a white chick and I would tell her Friday, come here. Who's featured next week? I would work Thursday, Olympia, Friday at the club, Saturday at the club. I'd have contact with him both nights. You know, I'd call him Monday at nine o'clock and go, yo, Joe Diaz. He'd go, how you doing, Joey? I'd go, who's your feature this week? And he'd go, when was the last time you featured at the club? I'd go last year. He goes, all right, you got the job next week. That's how crazy that guy was, that he would just see me. I just worked with him Friday and Saturday. I would call him Monday and I would ask him when I could feature. He'd go, when was the

last time you featured at the club? And I'd go, last year, remember? And then I got Gavin on it. So there was a point where I would be there for two weeks. Gavin would be there for two weeks. I would be there for two weeks. It was like stealing. It was like the perfect fucking comedy dream up there. We were just kids. Yeah, I can't believe I never... You know, last night, I told you, two nights ago, I'm watching Fourth of July night, the night I got fucking stoned. Yeah. That's one of the, one of the things, because I remember the end of the 11th, I watched Do the Right Thing. I went to get up to go piss last night. And it was when Giancarlo, what's it do? Derby thinks is good from breaking band.

And the black dude with the little circular glasses. Giancarlo, whatever, is having a talk with Radio Raheem. And they're talking about overthrowing sales that we need to boycott sales famous. And he goes, yeah, that motherfucker yelled at me for having my stereo on. Didn't even say please. And he goes, we've spent mucho month. He goes, we spend mucho dollars in there. And they ain't got no pictures of brothers on the wall. He goes, they just got a bunch of look at a Sylvester Stallone looking motherfuckers up on the wall. I was standing up guys last night. I was walking up into the living room to go to use the house bathroom instead of mine. I wasn't peeing there because I thought I had a shit. When he said

he has a bunch of Sylvester Stallone looking motherfuckers up there, he needs to put some brothers up on the wall. My knee buckled because it was the first time I thought about Brody in a long time. Me, Josh Brody, like six of us are down in Gig Harbor, Washington on Saturday night. And we're like eating a bag of dick. We don't know who's headlining. We would just show up. Like if you hired me and Josh, six motherfuckers. That's just how it was. But you're only, you're supposed to do 45. You're supposed to do 30. Well there's six of us. We just do 10 apiece. And we don't go like, what the fuck is going on? Like it was crazy. And I still remember going to Gig Harbor when we put him in the back trunk.

And he kept yelling at me and shit. I told him because he pissed me off. Don't fucking tell me you can't make it to Gig Harbor in an hour and a half. And he kept arguing with me. Don't fucking tell me. Doug, when I tell you I can do something, I can do it. I'm not telling you because I'm lying to you. He kept telling me he couldn't drive from Seattle to Gig Harbor in an hour. I'm like, are you fucking crazy? He goes, it takes me like three hours. God rest his soul, Brody Steven. He's arguing with me one night. I'm like, Brody, we're leaving here at fucking six o'clock. I'm not getting on. Don't take, you know, fucking three hours. He had a Volvo station wagon. Did he not, Josh? We put him in the kid's seat in the back.

You know how the back opens up? I took him by the throat. I go, getting that fucking back. Shut the fuck up. I'm going to show you how to get a Gig Harbor in an hour and a half. And we would do a 90 and that wasn't even an HOV. We made our own fucking man. We look at him. He remembers and Brody Stevens kept yelling, stop, slow down. Normal people don't live like this. I'm like, I'm not normal fucking people. I'm not normal people. I'm a comedian. And I still remember him being livid at me there and going up on stage. Oh, he was mad. And he had the owner of Gig Harbor had thousands of pictures of people up on the wall. White, black, Spanish, Vince Valenzuela. He had all these famous comics up there. But I don't know what happened, Brody's

furious. He's doing his set in the middle of all this. He looks up at the wall and he goes, where's the fucking owner? And he's like, I'm the owner. He goes, you better put some fucking Jews up on that fucking wall. Oh my God, we lost it in the back. I'm not coming here. Have a fucking again. Can you put some Jews up on that wall? This is Gig Harbor. I haven't seen a Jew since fucking the Great Depression. You know what I'm saying? Jews left Seattle. They were like, we ain't staying up here. This is too dark. It reminds us of Auschwitz. There's no Jews in Seattle. There's not a temple in Seattle to remind them too much of Auschwitz. It does no sunlight. There's no sunlight. You don't see Jews visiting Seattle. Fuck you. Or Buffalo. There's a couple

of Buffalo. Oh my God. Oh my God. He kept when he got out of the car in the parking lot. He was still yelling at me. He slammed the door and he said, I do not live my life this way. He was so fucking mad. And he was in the back making those fucking weird. I was getting this close to cause. I'm holding my fingers just to fuck with him. I would get real close to the car. Beep beep. Stop it. Stop it. This cause in my mother's name. Oh God. That was really funny. Oh my God. Then he had a cable access show and he had a pager. I got the pager number and he's thinking he's on the fucking Carol Burnett show, bro. God rest his soul. And my Gavin's just fucking down his pager and he's dying to pick it up.

He's legs are shaking. He's dying. He thinks it's like a Hollywood producer. I'm leaving messages. I'm fucking and finally right on the TV show. He went in his pocket. He's like, fuck you. Oh my God. Holy shit. That's what comedy is about ladies and gentlemen. Okay. 25 fucking years. Like just. Oh my God. And you want me to tell you something, Josh? Well, let's tell him about the story. We got so coked up. We walked that dog like two miles. We got so coked up me and Josh. We left a dark light and we got back to his daylight. That poor dog was like, you got to take me home. You two guys won't shut the fuck up. But bud, God rest his soul. We took but bud on a walk. It was safe and hard. There was

and we're walking. I'm doing coke on the walk. I'm talking about my mother finding my mother on the floor. He's like, I never knew that about you. You were getting ready to leave. This is 96 September 96. Yeah. Like you were leaving the following week. I had to move out of his house. I lived in his back house. That was a great setup, by the way. It was a great setup. That was a great set. This was a great house. We were hidden. What you pay for that house? Maybe 1100 something like that. It was gigantic. Yeah. Huge fucking gigantic. Huge. It was but do you remember when she where she was putting the garbage, she was putting it in the garage and she wasn't taking it out. And so we had these mound, this mound of garbage in the garage. And I said, I called the

exterminator and I was like, Hey, and I didn't know this. I go, Hey, man. So I think we have some critters. Will you take a look into the house? And he goes, Yeah. And he got maybe his head in and he turned around. He goes, I go, What's wrong? He goes, There's a lot of eyes looking back at me. I go, What in under the house? And he goes, There's got to be a food source somewhere around here. I'm like, a food source. Like, What the fuck? And he goes, Let's go check the garage. And I opened the garage and she'd just been taking the trash out to the garage. So he was like, Here's the food source. I was like, Get the fuck because we had that circular

driveway. So we never use the garage. I loved her to death. The best. But till this day, she is the filthiest woman. She's the reason why I want to eat Thai food. No, that's not right. I swear to God, if she used to not wash dishes and the fruit flies, don't lie to me. Remember, he used to make fun of it. There was always fruit flies in the kitchen every time. So she was tied. So I held that against her. Like if you're fucking, you don't wash your dishes. One person is the reason why? Oh, that's all I need. They sent me the wrong representative. You know what I'm saying? If you're going to send me the representative, send me the right Thai dude. I loved her. She was my sister. Yeah, I loved her. Except

but when it came to that shit, she drove me crazy. She wouldn't have him one time you left like a month. I had to wash dishes. The water was like quick. Like the kids wanted something to drink. It was like sticking your hand in quick hand. Like the thing was going to grab you. That's how murky because she would soak the dishes and not wash them. And I'm like, how do I get a glass? And I'm like, here goes. Yeah, like close your eyes and stick your hand in the fucking water. I still remember Vista with the fruit flies and he used to be, don't make believe you. Oh, no, I remember the fruit flies. You used to do that. You know what was great, dude? And when I loved, you would do it just for you out of nowhere. You just go

used to make me laugh. No matter where we were, you go. Yeah, I fucking love that. That was Yeah, there's another hour story here that we cannot, we can't even go into about how funny. By the way, she was a legitimately funny person. It took me maybe five years. I still yearn. There's not too many people in your life. You can meet that when they touch your hand and say, come with me, you're going to see an adventure. I think I went over with her three nights. And I saw all I had to say. Oh, she was, she, I have a friend, Mike Batoli. He used to be married to my sister. When you went out with him, you don't know what you're going to see. Be prepared and don't be in shock. She was that much fun. She just was a responsible.

That was the whole thing. Fun was her number one priority. Getting high, all that stuff, going to work, fiber Malaysia. She was the first person ever to get fiber Malaysia. I will tell you this though. And my name was Malia. So we used to call it fiber Malia, right to her face. Like, what's going on? She was like, I can't do this. I will. I will tell you this though. She, I love her. She could, she could rally. She could get in late, dude. And if the alarm went off, she would be like, tell me when I got 10 minutes. And I'd be like, you got 10 minutes. And she'd be like, bang, bang, boop. And she'd be out the fucking door. And I mean, I got to, she could get up and get to work. We didn't fuck around.

No, I had no choice in those days. Yeah. You want to smoke, you got to pay the pipe. You want to smoke, you got to pay the pipe. Once you had accepted that you could live off an hour sleep two nights, you do it. Yeah, you do it. You know, I just, there's a radio show. I listen to on Sunday nights. It's, it's nothing for you guys. You guys just would not like it. I like it because if it's only good once a month, it's studio 54 radio. Yeah, I got it in the car. Do you have Sunday nights? They do Mira, Myra does a podcast. Bro, once a month, she gets a guest that'll blow your socks off like, like a real legit, not like the door guys or when they start talking about amazing and all that shit. No, once in a while, once a month,

they get a guest. That's like a dentist. Like the most famous one I heard was his dentist. And his wife came on. They're like a hundred now and they were talking about going to studio 54 and what their lifestyle was like. They went six nights a week and they had kids. But there was Long Island. So the kids, you know, your mother lives in the house with you guys. Yeah. So your parents live on the first floor and you live on the second floor. So they told the story six nights a week. Can you imagine going on six nights a week? You and your wife and leaving two kids at the house six nights a week. And he was a dentist. What saved them was they were both dentists and they owned the dentist thing together. Yeah. And they just laid a story on you that you

could not believe of they would wake up at they would get home at seven, sleep till 10, put the kids to school, then come back, sleep from eight to 11, get up, go to the dentist shop, be a dentist till three, go home, take another nap, pick the kids up from school, help them with their homework, take them to all their events, go home, put them in the shower and at nine o'clock they take a nap till 11 o'clock and 11 o'clock they get up, get dressed and at midnight they'd be at studio 54. So six in the morning and they'd do that six nights a fucking week. You sit there and go, how the fuck this just happened? Malia could do that. There's people who could do that. Yeah. There's people, I did it. I did it from 83 to God knows. So I stopped through and blow. I was doing it.

Listen, you want to snore coke, that's fine. But no, you got to get up for a plane at five. Yeah. And you got to make the plane or you got to make the car. You know how many times I woke up in that Moscow Idaho and the room was spinning and the only thing that could get me going was that last blast of coke you have in the morning. So you brush your teeth and do that one blast of coke. That's a heart attack for most people. But just to straighten up to drive home from Moscow Idaho. That drive home was terrible. That was five and a half hours. But always hung over. Always hung over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's just, it's just fucking pure craziness. Before we wrap up, I got to ask you one thing. One of the funniest things ever because nobody's really talked about

this lately at all. Everybody's talking about this and I don't think it's, well, it's really, nobody has the reason to talk about it. It doesn't matter to a lot of people. But you haven't said boo about it. Tom Brady. What the fuck just happened, guys? Did we miss it because of the coronavirus? Is Ken Newton now the new face of the Patriots? Don't clap please, because now they'll be all in 19. If this guy's a fan of theirs, it's over. Is he a mush? Oh, the king. For betting, not for actual sports. For everything. How they won seven Super Bowls. Everything, everything. Six Super Bowls won him in. And you didn't bet one of them. Yes, that's what I'm saying. That's right. He's a mush. He didn't bet one of them. Oh,

you could give him a lock and he'll call you an hour and tell you he mushed it up. Yeah, I got two little locks I'm working on for this weekend at the UFC and I won't even let him know. Do you ever just ask him who you like and just pick someone with the other person? Oh, dog, if he gets up, I know it's going to be a bad day. You know what I'm saying? If he wakes up, it's going to be a bad fucking day. I gave him locks already and he'll fuck them up. He'll put them in a parlay or a three-time teaser or something after I give him a lock. Just bet this. I put it in a parlay. I gave him a yard one time. I had him up. And he left. And he left. He lost again. You don't leave when you're up. Then he became a professional gambler.

That was a disaster. He's the only guy got thrown out of the South Point. What? He's banned for life out of the South Point. How did you get thrown out of the South Point? His buddy showed up passing out edibles like there was Willy Wonka. It was the first time I took more than a thousand milligrams of the stars. The guy who used to make the stars was literally pouring them into my hands. I go to give them to one church guy, a Navy SEAL reject was sitting there staring at me. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I took it being a security guard way too seriously.

Okay. He had the bull pro vest. And he said, where are they? We have you on tape. Little did he know that I ate the rest of them. And he walked me up to my room and wouldn't let me had to leave the hotel. I couldn't even stay in the parking lot. If I go back to the South Point Hotel. I'm not even allowed in Vegas by law. I'm not even allowed in Vegas. And the best part is it was his birthday too. I'm supposed to go to Vegas and check in with the police and let them know I'm there. When I get to Vegas, my law. My first stop is you got to check in with the police department.

For real? Yeah. So what, where did you go? It was the war. What do you think he went? You think he would have waited like Dean Del Rey? You give Dean Del Rey 20 bucks at 9.30 at night in Vegas and stay at the Pallagio. He'll get a sweet something for 20 bucks. I don't know how Dean does. You ever seen Dean in action? No.

In New York, Dean would stay out all night till about 10 until the hotel drops their prices on an app. And they let you go in there for like 12.99 to come on, bro. You have no idea. These fucking young motherfuckers got shit up their sleeve. Dean Del Rey would do spots and carry his clothes to spots and then get like a hotel 11, like the Park Avenue Ritz for 39.95. What's it called? What's the hotel tonight? Shit. Hotels tonight. You're not going to get it like three in the afternoon. Right.

You're going to get like 12, 11. And probably in every city, there's a room somewhere. There's a room somewhere. Dean Del Rey has many, you don't know how many times he's called me. Like from fucking a hotel, there's horses in front of it and shit. People getting horse carriages overlooking Central Park. I'm like, what'd you pay for that hotel? $89 or is it a steal? And it came with breakfast. I'm doing my laundry. This is great. I'm like, what the fuck?

Got like a fucking suite for $89. I'm going to give that a run. Yeah. He's got like, yeah, what the fuck? If you're a comic, that would, you know. Yeah. I mean, if I, especially because I can fly in late, go straight to the club. Yeah. That way I don't have to get up early.

Yeah. That's actually not a terrible idea. About Dean Del Rey came in earlier there. I got him fish. He wanted to eat fish. He goes, where do I get fish in the valley? He goes, I'm up here. I go, I'll meet you. I'm in the same mood for the same fish. Let's go up to big Tony's over there on cold water on Fridays. They got great salmon, fucking tremendous Mexican salmon.

So I'll meet you up at big Tony's. They don't let you eat in there. So we just took it to go and we sat here and ate and talk shit. And I go, all right. So we, you going back to where you live? And he goes, no, I looked down the block from you. He just moved to studio city. He scored a two bedroom, two bath, Corona price. Corona price. He's been watching it for a year.

He goes, man, I've been watching this place for two years. I love this place. Good for him. I think they went from, you don't even want to know how much they dropped. And he worked, he beat them. Guess what he told me? Guess what he told me? On Sunday, he said, man, no wonder they gave it to me for this price.

I just saw two people moving out because this place is empty and all go up to victory and Lancashire and look at the U-Haul place. There ain't a fucking, you can't even find the fucking go cart. You can't even push a go cart. There are people go cart, not a heel. Go up there, go see how many moving trucks that you see. I see it's there for a day. Are they in that one neighborhood?

Yeah, it's bad. People, you can't afford to live here. Hey, no, no, no. That's, you know, the new rumor is people in the industry are getting the fuck out of here. They're going close to North Carolina and Atlanta because believe it or not, homeboy, Tyler Perry, his system's been working. His system's the only system that's been working. Yeah.

All these other TV shows have had a cancel. They can't figure out, check your sag emails from now on. Check them out. They go into your junkie mail. Yeah. Start reading them. You're going to die. They canceling shit every day.

Shit's starting on Monday, but it shuts down by Wednesday. Shots down. Can't even keep it open. So the move to North Carolina is just people starting smaller studios. They're saying that this ain't going to work here. It's just not going to work. It's just not going to work. It's just not going to work.

It's too restrictive and too expensive. But Tyler Perry's paying all the loot too. Tyler Perry's paying you for 30 days. Yeah. It's costing you 30 days work. Yep. It's 16 days before the shoot is your first COVID test. You're on the clock.

And they pay you for that. They pay you. And then on the plane at Van Nuys Airport, you get tested again. When you land, you get tested again. Then you get put in seclusion. You get tested again. Then you get put into an area. And you stay in that area until you shoot and you just hang with those people or actors

and first team. And even that gets cut into three. So you really have access to like six people unless you go to the set. You get tested every other day. So you get tested Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. And I guess makeup and everybody else. And everybody's staying in a hotel? Everybody's staying in a bubble.

But like, right. But like, where's everyone sleeping? Everybody's staying in like a hotel slash studio. Got it. And that he built like malls in there. Like there's a mall you go to. Everything you need is there. You're not allowed to leave for two weeks.

Jesus. No leavey. That's why I don't know what's going to happen. Like, so you're telling me Zeon Williamson, the rookie of the years, not going to go get his dick suck. Well, you're trying to tell me NBA players are going to stay in a bubble from July from next week till the champ. When is the championship?

November. That's what you're trying to tell me. They're going to stay in a bubble. Good luck. Good luck. That's never going to happen. I don't think there's any chance everybody stays in the bubble. We're raised to sneak out at night.

We're raised to put a dummy in the bed. I'll put a tape record. You know what I'm saying? I'll put a tape record. I just tape myself coughing and just play it. Every 20 minutes the thing goes, oh, he's in there. You know, we got the ropes. My favorite move of yours of all time, by the way,

because I had never seen it before, and you can't do it anymore. But I did it a couple of times myself when times were rough there, was going into the department store, picking up a couple of comforters, walking up to the counter and saying, I'd like to return these. And they'd be like, great. And you're like, we can't give you cash. But I'll take store credit. And you were like, fine.

Fine. Yeah. There's something here I can find for $0.60. That was always my absolute. I was like, wait. And they just give it to you. And you're like, yeah, they won't give you cash because you don't have a receipt. From that.

That was my open micro. That was the hustle. You know, everybody has like, you got a developmental deal. That was my developmental deal was I just figured out when I left New York in October of 93, and I went to back to bold. I'm like, how am I going to make a living? I could sell cars. But the debt I was in was so overwhelming.

The debt was just coming in by the thousands. I had an attorney. We have an attorney on the clock. You're dropping for a fucking week. I would drop off too. And the guy's like, oh, by the way, here's your next bill. You know, copies, whatever the fuck. And he would charge me for everything.

Phone calls were 250 a phone call. You know, I mean, it was a nightmare. So I couldn't make a fucking living. So everything I made got taken from me. And I don't even know how I, I think I was somewhere one day. I bought something and I returned two things. And I'm like, come on. And it was the old Voldemort.

They had a May DNF. And I would go in there and pick up $249 comforts. Yeah, the comfort was the move. Bring them back. And then I figured out, oh, shit. So I voted the places that gave you checks. If people or store credit. I voted them unless I needed a suit or something.

Then I took the store credit. But there were people who just straight up gave you cash. And I got to be honest with you. I got, you want me to lie to you? I get a lie to you from 93 October to June of 95. And even farther than that, because I was doing it on the road. I was doing it on triple runs. I got caught one time in Idaho on a triple run.

Returning something? Returning something. Oh yeah. They let me go, but I fucking made a stink. Minority, Idaho, fucking OJ Simpson. I'm like out of all the places that figured me out. Idaho. Somebody was just watching you.

They squat me from the beginning. So as I went in and took it, they were watching me. I don't know. I was like, bro, the more spaghetti you throw against the wall, it's going to stick. Yeah. So I was getting cocky. Like I was walking into a place at 9.30, wrong move.

You're going to get nailed. There's nobody in the store. You got to wait until there's 100 people in the store. And you walk in there, you just mix right in. But I still, let me tell you how fucking desperate I was. Because there's no reason for me to lie. There was a time. To pay rent, like rent week.

I would just hang outside. There was a pay phone in Kmart and Boulder. And I would just make believe I was paying calls. And I would watch people throw away receipts. You know what an ambulance chaser is? I was an ambulance chaser, thief receipt. So people that come out of the store throw away the receipt. Four out of 10 people.

Yeah. I mean a couple of white people take home their receipts. Remember you couldn't get your fucking luggage back? Nobody saves their receipts. You know how many times I sit there and saw people come out like with a fucking. That is what I do with the receipt. Rotating something and I see them throw away the receipt. And I pick up the receipt.

Now I got you. Now I got you. I'd walk in like fucking. Whistle while you work. It's a jerk. You know I just walk in now. Pick up the thing. And fucking walk up to the counter with the receipt.

How you doing? I don't want this. You just bought it 10 minutes ago. Yeah I just don't want it. I don't need it. You just bought this 10 minutes. What time it came up? You have no fucking idea.

Kmart was the spot. And Kmart knew I was robbing them. And Boulder, I lived right across the street from me. So it was like the ghost spot. So when Kmart would get too hot, then I would start going to the mall. And it was like made D&F radio shack. I put them out of business. I've been going into a radio shack in Boulder in 85.

They had a CD player on the wall. I looked around. The salesman wouldn't talk to me. I was like fucking. I just unplugged it. Put the board around it. And I walked out of the store. You have no idea.

You have no. I wish I was lying to you. When I walked out of that mall, I'm like my friends at home would not believe this. I just unplugged it. And we're playing like Superman or something. I unplugged it. I took the vows off.

I just walked out with the whole fucking apparatus. That's when I went crazy. Like I'm like I got. I remember Rogan going to me. He goes I drove into Boulder and I could tell this place was like one huge candy store. It became one huge candy. Couldn't figure me out. I'm not proud of these things.

That's why I don't go to Boulder. Because I totally disrespected Boulder. Like totally. Like just I turned the light. You know what my rent was in Boulder? 400. You know I paid my rent September of 94. I was waiting outside of the Kmart on the phone.

It was rent day. It was the 31st of fucking August guys. And I'm like I've been waiting out there for like an hour and a half. Nobody's trying to receive the way. I was just about ready to hang my hat down. And get the fuck out of there. Because then I had I used to have plans. Like plan A is Kmart.

Plan B is I robbed this guy. That's a big jump man. This is a good fun. If you can smell the fart with a mask on. You did a good job. You know what I'm saying. Doug I still remember needing 400 for the rent. This is unbelievable.

And I'm waiting there. By the pay phone there was like three pay phones. That was the same pay phone I used when I turned myself in. I hung out on that. I knew at the ends and outs. It was across the street from a Coco's restaurant. In front of an Albertsons. I knew the whole layout.

Into it. Six years earlier I was on that same pay phone. Torturing the cops. Because they couldn't put a tracer on me. So I kept calling the cops going. I want to talk to Detective Josh Wolff. And they're like who's calling. I'm like Jose Diaz.

Like hold on. Click and hang up. Where's Josh Wolff? Who's this? Joe Diaz. Don't put me on hold. We're going to have to put you on hold. Click.

Don't hang up. I would keep hanging up on him. And then finally they go. Joe Diaz hold on. We'll put you on with Detective Cola. And he's like where are you? I'll never forget this. Being on the phone with him at Kmart.

And looking at Coco's and Albertsons and going. I'm at the Albertsons on 28th Street. If you want to talk to me. He's like we'll be right there. Just two of us. Promise. We'll be right there. And I remember hanging up the phone.

And walking to my car. And taking a newspaper. Rolling the joint. And watching the Albertsons. And watching cop cars. Pull up from all fucking directions. And then running in with their guns at the Albertsons. Me going.

I'm in trouble. Oh my god. I'm in fucking trouble. I have gone into town to get leave the weapon. And above the law. At the video store. And I go you know what. My buddy George.

I met him. And at the Kmart. He goes the cops are looking for you. They came by the dealership. He left his card. If you want to call him. I'm like I don't want to fucking call this guy. And I thought about I should call and see what it was.

But that was the exact same payphone. Where I called the cops and was toying with them. I'm like I'll be at the Albertsons. I'll see you there. Wait wait wait. Where are you driving? Click. And with the minutes.

I just saw cops pulling up from all directions into the Albertsons. Running in. So I need 400 miles to pay the rent. I'm standing on that payphone. I'm staring at that Coco's. And I'm like I'm about to fucking go home. And guess what.

I see some fucking redneck looking guy. Pushing the hand cards. Yeah. And he's pushing a loan more. One of those ones that you sit on. Yeah. And all of a sudden you just saw a receipt fly up in the air. It was like God.

It was like fucking heavenly justice. It just flew out from under the thing. I thought the guy was going to see it. I thought the guy that bought it was going to see it. Nobody saw nothing. I thought the lady because all those white people in bold you know you litter. They'll fucking have a cow.

Pick that up please. There was a couple of women. Nobody said nothing. It was my lottery ticket. And I went over and I picked it up. Oh tremendous. I love it. Throw some to Lee.

Lee wants them. Give some kosher to Lee. There you go. So I go over. I picked this fucking receipt up. Guess how much it was for. I don't know how many I didn't have. 400 fucking dollars for my rent.

It was perfect. It was 400 and something dollars. I'm like I made fucking rent. But when I go into Kmart they're sold out of those loan movers. I'm like fucking bitch. You think that stopped me? Fuck no. I got in that car and did 90 to Longmont.

There was another Kmart in Longmont. No internet. No nothing. I just knew there was one in Longmont. I went all the way to Longmont. Got there 20 minutes later. Walked in. Walked into the garden department where I had all the trees.

And there was three of them. I had like three dollars in my pocket. I got one of the guys go come here for a second. Load that up. Phone me please. It's three dollars. In those days three dollars was like a 10. Yeah.

The guy picked up the loan mover like Hercules. Put it on. And he goes do you want to pay for this? And I go yeah push it over to the thing. He actually pushed up to the counter. I gave the lady the receipt in front of him. He's like looking at me like oh. And the lady gives me back 400 plus tax.

She gives me like 440. I'm like what give him a 20. What I got lunch and I got my rent money. That's how deep and dirty I was. Yeah. Like I was just chasing receipts. Some people I ambulance chasers. I would just sit there and chase receipts.

And then the fucking coffee craze started. The espresso. Yeah. With the mocha chino machine and the coffee. There were 450 a piece. I was clipping three of those a day. And I would go to different locations. In Golda.

No. Oh please wait. I'm retarded. I had different Aurora. I had all the towns where they did the shooting at the movie theater. Yeah. I knew exactly what that movie theater was. That more was down the corner of that movie theater.

I used to go there all the time. So every day at a different itinerary. Monday would be bolder if I was desperate. But Sunday I would really go out. Sunday and Saturday were my big days. I had coverage. They're my big money days. I remember I got so high one night.

I went to the comedy works. I had just started comedy. And I had been doing comedy for two years. But I wasn't in with them yet. So I went to see Jackie Flynn. Uh-huh. And I took a date and they made me pay. I had $1,800 in my pocket from stealing that day.

I was so high. I took the money out. Paid them. I put the $1,800 on the counter and walked away. And when I got the drinks I went back to get the money. And the $1,800 was missing. And nobody knew where it was. The girl I was with had to pay for the drinks.

I said I'll pay you in the morning. I just went and robbed another $1,800. It was just four machines. It was four machines because you would get 450 plus tax. You get like 500 bucks. That's crazy. So every day I would go to a different local. That was my open mic.

That's what I did as an open mic. That's how I financed my life as an open mic. That whole summer was just bringing the shit back. Every day. Toys are us. Oh, I made a mockery out of that. They give you cash? No, they give you Jeffery money.

Oh, Jeffery. I had 10,000 Jeffery bucks. I went in there one day and brought back a computer and left there with a bicycle. Christmas in 94, everything my daughter got was on one run. And I mean everything. Computer, bicycle, Barbie's doll houses. I would go in there and just,

I would start with like a little thing. It was, you know, these are just things that happened. This is how you put it together when you're a comic. This is how, the only way I knew how to, I wasn't going to get no fucking job. There was no way I was getting a job when I was two years in. I had already done all that shit. By 94, there was no way.

I tried to get a job. I would get jobs at different car lots just for the advance. I would tell them I could speak Spanish. I could sell 15 cars a month, call anybody in town. But I need a car and I need a nickel up front. They'd give me a car and that's how I go to the gigs. Judy Brown? I still remember going to one of Judy Brown's gigs

and the car blew up and I just left it there. I just took like a bus into town and left the car. The dealers would call me three days later. Where's that car? What's in fucking Vale? What the fuck is it doing up in Vale? Bro, I was killing dealerships. Killing dealerships.

Killing dealerships. There's a guy that's still my friend that lives in Pismo Beach. And we had gotten into a conversation about this about a year ago. He goes, when you worked for me at that Jeep store, you were a nightmare. What the fuck were you doing? I was just taking a car a night. Like whatever I wanted, I would just take a new car. And then I went to work for used car dealers.

After the new cars would hire me no more as an open mic. Because I could speak Spanish. So they had to put me, I'd go in there and put them together. Listen, do me a favor. Give me a 15 up front. Give me a car. And I'll even shoot the commercials for you. Bienvenidos.

I think I shot one commercial before those guys. They had the whole camera crew out there. So people come down there looking for me from Talamundo. I never lasted. I never lasted. I never, I quit all the time. I quit every fucking job. I would just go take the job just to have it.

Then one day I took a car from a used car dealership. I knew the girl. I had an affair with the girl. And she called me up when they said, Joey, these guys don't pay anything to come work up here. They're looking for a Spanish guy. That was my last car job business. I go, her name is Laurie. I go, put them together.

Get me $2,500 a demo. She goes, I'll call you back in a little while. I'll just call her back. She goes, I'll give you $2,500 a demo. You got to work ding to ding. That means all day, four days straight and two days off or whatever. I go, all right. I went there.

They go, pick a car. The first fucking car. That's when I was mush. See, he doesn't understand. Like I call him mush because I used to be mush. At that time, everything I touched turned to shit. Every car, everything I touched, whatever I touched blew up. If I bet, bro, if I bet a team, even if the other team didn't show up, I'd find a way to lose.

It was terrible. I know mush. I know mush because I live mush. So I had a gig in like fucking Wyoming. You can't write this shit. There's like a foot of snow coming down. So I didn't want the snow to settle. So I left after the gig.

At this time, I'm doing 35, 40. What car did you take? One of their cars off to use Carla. Yeah. We're driving back. And I hear like, boom, boom, boom. I'm making Greeley. And I hear like, boom, boom, boom.

Something's wrong with the car. And I'm like, man, this is getting hot. I'm by myself. I'm like, man, this is getting hot in this car. And all of a sudden I'm smelling like fire. I'm like, come on. And sure enough, I pull over, bro. And something was on fire under the hood.

I just took my suitcase. I started walking and within 10 minutes, I hear like, boom, something. And you can see like the flames in the car. I just walked away from it. That's the second time that happened to me in my life. We're a car I was driving. Just lit in flames. You know, people think like I call them, you know, I lived it.

Tell them about the car I had in Seattle. Tell them about the car I had. No. Yeah. The car I had in Seattle, when I first moved to Seattle, the last month I had that car, I was driving it without not a bumper, but what's the side panel that covered the wheels? Yeah, it was all.

That was my, I paid $800 for that car. That was the best car I've ever had in my life. Why do I know? Because I put that car through commando tactics. I drove from Denver to Baltimore on that car easy 15 times. Do you still drive the way you used to drive? Yes. What do you mean?

Just like you used to beat the shit out of your cars. Um, yes and no. I'm a horrible person with cars because, and that's why I don't buy a Cadillac. Yeah. That's why. That's why I won't buy a BMW because I've lived cars on fire. Nobody, but nobody has had worse luck with cars than Uncle Joey.

I was the original mush. I still remember being 18 and delivering electronic parts and shit to the company. And I went somewhere where I wasn't supposed to be. And the guy would always send me, how come it always takes you longer than everybody else? And I would always have some story. Do you know that one day in 1983 in the snow in Jersey,

I was making a delivery for this fucking guy, this could only happen to me. There's electrical poles and there's like little wires on the bottom. Yeah. So this is the pole and there's usually like these steel beams. One day I was going in reverse in the snow and the back of the wheel well caught that beam. And I'm up there.

I'm a fucking gorilla, guys. I'm not built for that show. Finally I'm like, fuck. And I get out of the car and I go like, I'm like, fuck this. I'm like, how can this happen to me? And at that time there was like a, he had like a thing, like a CB. And he's like, DS. He's like, DS, DS.

Come in, come in. Where are you? And I'm like, I'll be right there. I'm two blocks away. And I'm looking at this thing. It's on 89th street in North Bergen. It's like a side street behind. I used to live in that rocket ship in that park.

It was right there. It was on the corner there. And I went to visit a friend and I went up that hill for some fucking reason and something happened. And I went to back up and I got caught on that thing. And you know me, I'm like, how am I going to get out of this? I'm like, I get back in the fucking car. And I just, I got the car and like fucking to drive two,

like in those days that drive two, drive one, I had that motherfucking two. And I'm like, and all of a sudden I put, I'm like, fuck. So I had to go across the street. I took a bucket and I got sand from the playground. Yeah. And this is how crazy I was. Like I pushed the fucking snow.

I got sand from the playground. I'm walking back, the car's still on. And you get DS, DS coming. Go fucking throw. I put the fucking sand on the snow. I swear to God, Doug. I'm pushed. You know where you were mushed?

You remember when we were catering and you lit those trash cans off? Doug, I lived one thing. And you were like, go, go, go. Go, go, you don't know nothing. You don't know nothing. I'm not sitting around cleaning shit. I'm stepping on this thing and I'm like,

and the car also I'm looking behind. There's like little flames coming out of the tires. It's like spark. And all of a sudden you see the thing started, the metal started moving and the electrical pole started going back and forth. I'm like, this motherfucker is going to go. I got to get out of here.

So I put it on like D1. I'm like, I don't see you. The thing is going to fall. It's going to fall. It's going to fall. Doug, I drove so hard. The back of the van came off. I just said, fucking leave it there.

DS, where are you? DS, where are you? I'm coming back. I pull up like nothing. He's out there waiting for me. With a new delivery. The back of the van is gone. I'm wide open.

I'm freezing to death because there's no doors. It just took that whole piece off with the bumper and the tire thing. The whole thing came off. I remember pulling up and he's a little Arab guy. This is what the fuck is his name? And we used to torture him. He's still there.

He's still there, Boulevard hardware. He's still there. George something. And he was Arab. And we used to hand him. The kid who got me the job there, the father worked there. Bubba.

Baboo. Bubba. But something like that. And he had a sister who was half a freak. And his name was George. His name was George Murad. So we used to call him George Murad in the Bahamas. He was a Coke Fiend.

He loses his mind. A couple of times I'd bring him Coke and he'd go crazy. He'd leave in the afternoon. You run the place with me. I think I lasted three months there. And even with the torn van. You know how I got that side took my first pinch. When I was working at Boulevard hardware.

He didn't fire after the van? No, I blame it on, you know me though. I could talk anybody into anything. I talked to him until I looked. What are you talking about? The back of the van. Where is it? They said that was my favorite van.

You told me to go to Newark. I don't know what happened with it. He goes, Newark, when did you go to Newark? I'm like, last week, remember? I never went to Newark in that fucking thing. I would never go to fucking Newark. That happened to me in the whole back of the van. I went back there that night.

I just took the back. Me and my buddies, I took it and pushed it onto the people's property. Like the people, they must have flipped when they woke up and saw the back of the van. It was one of those vans like that. You fucking actually rape people in. Like in the back. You mean there's no windows?

Yeah, he was a filthy fucking savage. No, but it was customized. It was like an extra van he had because he was so busy with deliveries, delivering wood, nails and all this shit. So he's like, you're gonna have to drive that van. So I used to fucking steal shit from him. He used to have those Makita drills, Makita saws and shit. And I would steal them every delivery.

Like he would go stock this job. So I would take a piece of paper down and there'd be like a pallet. And if it called for two Makitas, I put six on there. And I would take them right to my little junkie buddy, Bonehead. And he'd buy him for me. Give me a kick and buy the house later. I'll take care of you. Man.

Hilarious. I wonder if you added up all the shit you stolen in your life. How much that would be? It's crazy. And at that time. Did you say millions? Between the coke? Yeah.

We're selling the coke, yeah. Yeah. Easy. That's crazy. Easy. Yeah, that was like from October. I worked for him. Like from November to January.

That's why I took my first pinch. January 21st, 1983. I took my first pinch and Mr. Holloway bailed me out. My friend's dad bailed me out. The kid I was telling you about from. Yo, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The one in July and shit.

Yes. So it's a small world. That's crazy. He had to come bail me out and fucking. What the fuck did I get arrested? Ridgefield Park. And then I didn't go to court. Like I just went to whatever I was supposed to do something.

So I put a warrant off my arrest. And then I got arrested like five years later in Tenerfly. And they had to bring me back to that place to answer for not fucking. Fucking hysterical. Josh Wolff. You can't even repeat. I forgot all about the van story with George Murad in the fucking van. You have no idea how many cars I blew up, blew up.

That's why I don't buy cars. Poor Ian Mayney. Oh, that poor car. How many, how many tickets you think? Like just let me tell you something. Let me tell you my side of the story. I wanted to park there. All right.

And I'm not being, and I never used this term before, but it's going to make sense to you guys. First of all, how does LA welcome you by a ticket? You don't really know what LA is till you park wrong in LA and get a ticket. $75. There's nothing worse in LA. If you come to LA and move here, trust me, the first week you'll get a ticket. Yeah.

They add that it's something weird down there that gives you a ticket. My first experience was they told Doug Stanhope's car. Oh yeah? I woke up with Doug Stanhope's car, went out. I was at Ralphie's all night snorting coke and shit. We're fucking a bunch of people over there. There you go.

And I went outside and the car was gone from the sunset. And Stanhope was at some girls house. So I had to go fucking get it out before Stanhope got on. That's when he had the Red Honda. Yeah. He had the Red Honda. And then he had the car you could borrow. What street was he?

Curson. He lived on Curson. Mitch was on Altair. Sierra Bonita. Sierra Bonita. That's right. You were on Vista and Ralphie and those guys were on guard. Were you with us at Mitch's apartment when we were watching his first letter and said,

No. That was bananas. That little spot he had with his girlfriend at the time. At the time. And I remember his girlfriend was helping you. Her manager. Yeah. She worked for a manager.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he had Barry Segundo. Look at that. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? Some novice bitch? Oh. And he had, he had Wendy Liebman. Barry Segundo.

He had like three stars at the time. Barry Segundo. Yeah, Wendy Liebman made me that. If I have to fucking testify, people go to jail. People go to jail, man. I just remember stupid shit. Barry Segundo. That's crazy, Josh.

We're 25 fucking years. Just so people know we were doing this shit in Seattle 25 years ago. Now they took that away from us. We don't have this no more. No. This is not going to come back for another six months, maybe. No. But you know what though?

I mean, look at you. You're still, you know what I mean? Like there's still things to do. There's plenty of things. Yeah. There's still things to do. This is rule number one. There's a thousand hustles on that fucking computer.

Okay. You know. These guys are the panicking and going out. Look at my heart goes out to Brendan Shaw and the other guy. I made a fucked up joke on Twitter, but those, they both know I love them to death. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I called Brendan before this whole thing started.

And I go, Brendan, don't go out there. Don't let nobody talk into going out there. There's no reason to go out there right now. This was, this was when it was just COVID. This wasn't with all this social shit going on right now. Right now it's horrible to go out. If you're going out, you got a 50-50 chance of coming back. That's scrape, scrape business.

So I don't know if you know this. Vegas was going to open up comedy in August. But when DL fainted, they said that's it. So what's going to happen now that two or four comics actually got it? Who's, you know, and that was my point. Like, why would you go to a comedy show now? Everybody canceled everything right now. And in the midst of all the cities,

the comedy clubs in question, Florida's comedy clubs, Texas's comedy clubs in Arizona. Yeah. You don't want to be anywhere down there right now. You know, in my world, and I'm a druggy, I come from that culture, bars can't be open. Sorry, sorry, they're done. Bars cannot be open because we have a hard time social distancing as human. Yeah.

Never mind that in alcohol. It's not going to work. It's not going to work. Let me tell you something. Before this, if you know anything about me, I don't like sitting next to people. When I go to a restaurant, unless it's downtown, is it something like that? Well, you have to sit next to somebody. You accept it and they're on top of you, but you go there for the steak.

You know what I'm saying? You go there, Ralphie takes you. Somebody takes you there. Yeah. Yeah. Remember, Ralphie took us. Yeah, I do. Fucking we didn't take us to that one.

He took us to the one up the block for lunch. Do you remember he had just gotten one of his surgeries and he took us to the fucking what was the one up the corner? Not Dantanas, but it wasn't Dantanas. You sure? No, he took us. He took us to Dantanas one time, but there was one up the corner. You walked in and they would give him the back room in a big table.

Yeah, it was a big table. They would give him the back room. You would walk in there. Do you remember how much he had just gotten one of the surgeries? And you remember how much food he fucking ordered? We got we went there for lunch. The tab was a nickel. Yeah.

He was good. I'll never forget looking at that bill going $500, $500 for fucking lunch. Yeah. And he was like, there's no bomb, Blair. I got this. I mean, just look at each other. Yeah. Holy fuck.

And if he didn't take you there, he would take you to the real the other sushi spot. The one on Beverly. It cost $50 just to walk in there. You talking about the one near La Siena gun, Beverly? Yes. Yeah. Every time I went in there, he was, he came to me one night. He's like, man, look at this.

And he had a picture with Clint Eastwood. He bumped into, I was in there with him one day. He would walk in and go, they would, you know, they bang a drum. Yeah. You walk in, they go, mama say, and he would go, must be the money. He would yell it. He would yell it, must be the money. And we'd sit in the back and he'd start ordering fucking 30 hour rolls.

And I'd be sitting there with four hours in my pocket going, fuck, Ralphie. Just give me a hundred bucks. I don't need all this fucking sushi. And he'd fucking order sushi. And I'd be sitting there, the chick from the fucking, the chick from roundest. That's now a big star. Every time I was in there with him, she would come in there to pick up sushi to go. She's in a big chain now.

Ralphie was always good like that though, man. Oh, he took us to every restaurant. Yeah. He was good like that. When he hit, bro, we were eating like kings, kings. It was over. Yeah. He was 600 pounds and he didn't give a fuck.

And he did not like to eat alone. No. He did not want to eat alone. No. He'd eat. And then he'd tell you, taking home to your wife, I ain't taking this shit home to my wife. Fuck her.

I ain't taking this, my car's the smell like fucking steak and lobster. Fuck you. But we would go to sushi then and cause damage. Yeah. He took me to that sushi spot next to the comedy store. You know there's a sushi spot next to the comedy store. That's another 50 to just to walk in. In the hotel?

Right next to the comedy store. There's a sushi spot, bro. They have these little steaks on a stick. They started 20. I had two millionaires take me there at one time. I've had two millionaires take me there and they didn't even look at the bill. But they were too busy so I kept ordering those steaks. Do you understand me?

You know what I'm saying? Like you don't take me to that place. One guy took me as a beard there. One guy was a friend of mine. Was a dear friend of mine. I haven't seen him in years. This is 10 years ago. And he calls me one day.

He's like, hey, you hungry? I'm like, this had to be 15 years ago. This had to be before the longest yard. And he goes, you hungry? Because I had a big daddy warm-up suit on. They gave me a hard time. That's how high level that place is. And he goes, just meet me over there.

I'm here waiting for you. And I got there. He was with abroad. And he was married. And I'm like, what's going on? He goes, just check. I'm fucking. Just play cool.

So she sat next to me. And he sat next to me. So I sat in between them. So he's talking behind my back. And I got the jabs here. I'm like, you, come here. Keep bringing those steaks at 20 a piece. And I was dipping them in that sashimi sauce.

Whatever, fuck them. It was, it is phenomenal. Where is it on sunset? I mean, right next to the store. Right next to the store. It has a fire outside. You walk upstairs. You've been there, right?

I haven't been there. But the comics told me they have a good happy hour. I know exactly where you're talking. That place in there? It's a yardstick just to walk in. Why did I think that was a hotel? So I went there like, I went there like in 2003 with this millionaire.

I was like, what the fuck? Like the sushi was fresh. They were killing it over there. You could pick the fish out of a pond and shit. And then Ralphie took me there one time. And Ralphie must have dropped 800. It was just me and him. And the fucking table was fucking packed with sushi.

Yeah. Like it was just, you can't even explain to people. Like they wouldn't even understand. Like people go, that's unnormal. But before he hit, I remember driving to jack-in-the-box with him. He was like, Joshua, come on. I mean, he was getting jack-in-the-box

for people in the building, right? And he put two orders in. One was huge. And the other one was like a burger and fries. And I go, what's the small bag for? He goes, this is what, this is what I'm going to eat on the way to that apartment. And I go, oh, he goes, yeah, my other food's in the bag.

I was like, okay, okay. And he goes, we open up the glove box. I go, yeah, my man had condiments. He had hot sauce. Yeah, hot sauce. He had every Taco Bell sauce. The red one, the purple one, the yellow one. They fucked up a lot, I don't know.

Bro, he had every different color sauce in there. I was in that car a thousand times. He was so heavy in that car. He fucked the shocks up. Yeah, I agree with that. The shocks were like this. He gave that car away and the car was sideways. But he would have, you think I'm fucking kidding you?

But here's the thing about Ralphie. Do you still remember him giving you a bag of candy to take home to kids? Yeah. This one, he was broke. Yeah. When he was broke, he would still go, I remember him going, man, where's Joshua?

He ain't coming to my house. I'm like, I don't know where Joshua was at. And he's like, I bought him some kids a bag of candies. And you know what, like my heart broke. He didn't have 100 bucks to give you kids, but he had candy for them. Yeah. That was the type of dude he was.

You know, thinking about it, I was thinking about the time. We were at the pool. Yeah, he was a good dude. We were at the pool. You asked me where the weed was hidden. And you spelled it out, D-R-A-W. And I was like, what? It's in the fucking drawer.

I got that's not how you spell it. D-R-A-W. I made you say it twice. I go, what? He goes, it's in the D-R-A-W. I'm like, what are you saying to me? Because I couldn't yell. Damn, we're in Seattle and we move.

I'm moving with your investor. How weird was that building? I mean, would people understand? No, the people that were in that building. Yeah, you could walk in that building. Would you please tell these people? What about the- Then you could walk in that building

and get your dick sucked at four in the morning. No, no, it was crazy. Four in the morning. You get your dick sucked at that building. What about the- You could have an orgy in that building at four in the morning. What about the lesbian couple that did heroin next to us? Next to us.

How hot were they? And the white polo chick next to her. The lesbian couple used to sell those steaks. What were those? Omaha Steaks. But they used to take heroin. So the steaks would go bad in their apartment. And it would fucking smell for days.

You have no idea what we saw in 97. There were a couple of drug dealers in that building. There was two drug dealers, White Lightning. There was the Jew, White Lightning, the Mexican kid. Still around. He is? He's still around. He's still at the rainbow.

Come on. If you go to the rainbow, he's out there with white hair. It's up to his ass now. Oh, get the fuck. You had the chick with that White Lightning sold drugs, but he didn't have the balls to hide it in his house. So he would hide it in the garage, which I dipped into many a times.

And he would also hide it at the chick's house with no chin. I know you. She had big tits with no chin. Tremendous tits. Like when you saw at the pool, you're like, look at those titties. But when she turned around, there was no chin. They'd take over here like this.

You're like, how's she going to suck my dick with no chin? This is not good for people. You know what I'm saying? What you got to do? Rub it with elbows. What you got to do here? But she was a dynamite person. She was great.

She was a great person. And a lot of fun. She was a lot of fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That building was a lot of fun. At four in the morning, you had more of a chance of getting your dick sucked and doing heroin and coke at four in the morning there than you did by going out.

It was bananas and that for about a year. About a year. It was a crazy building to live in. It was fucking nuts. Sounds like my nightmare. Who would make us out there at four in the morning? I don't know. I don't know about that dude who lived right below me

with that giant robot. Giant. And you walked in. No, your brother walked in there high one day. By mistake. This Rottweiler was like... Oh my God. It was like, you know those pictures of the dogs

in magazines that look like they have actual muscles? Right. They're one of those motherfuckers. Really? And he was training them to kill. Yeah. He was training them to kill. Yeah.

And next to the two hot heroin lesbians was a chick who Gary Wolf went out with. She was from Montreal. From Montreal. What about the dude who killed the hooker with the sword? Who used to wear the fucking... He worked on Star Trek. And so he had Klingon makeup.

He was an extra. But he was his dream to be on the show. So he used to wear that. He used to walk around in his robe, but he didn't take the fucking mask off. And he would be in his Klingon in his robe walking on it. He would have no idea. What kind of a guy is this guy?

That dude was fucking crazy. That building was fucking great. The landlord was good people. Maria. Maria. She was great. The chick who ran the room, the belly room. I'm wondering...

We're in a hot condition. I just saw her on Facebook. Kathy Lewis. Kathy Lewis protesting. Yeah. And she had an open mic. She was always very nice to us. Always very nice to us.

That Hollywood building till this day, when I drive by it sometimes, just to get goosebumps, there's a parking spot where I used to take Aunt Manny's car and do like a grandma blow. I remember one night we got some coke from somewhere and it was on fire. And I was at coaching horses with Fulton. Yeah.

Doug Stano. And I couldn't talk. The bar was packed and I couldn't talk. I was so fucked up on this coke. And I had like an eight ball of it. I'm like, what am I going to do? I'm only doing like five lines and I'm fucked up. And I remember I said, fuck it.

I left. I said, I'll be right back. I pulled one of those moves. I was so fucked up on a coke and it was 11 o'clock and I couldn't even talk. And I went across the street to that liquor store. They just closed because they got knocked on the old block down. It was next to Curson.

It was in 7-Eleven. I went to that liquor store. I bought a six pack and I walked a Vista and I walked into man Manny's car. And I still remember pulling the seat back and doing little lines. People walking their dogs. People walking past me from Elk and Padre.

And I was laying the seat back and I would do lines. And I still remember being like three in the morning. I'd be putting like a jacket on and lowering the sunroof. I had a sunroof and I would just jerk off little jerks. So if somebody came by, they wouldn't see me jerking my dick. That dog, you can't write this shit. Right there on Vista, I would jerk off because it got to the point that I couldn't go upstairs

and be coked up. Because Malia would jump on me with that coke. I had to give her half. So I'm not giving nobody half this shit. There was some nights I'd give Malia half and there was some nights the shit was just too good. I ain't giving them half. Thank you very much for coming on tonight.

25 fucking years. That's how fast it went. I still can't believe that. I'm doing comedy 29 years and two weeks maybe. I'm an 18th. It's 29 fucking years. I couldn't stick with nothing for two minutes. Yeah, but listen, man.

I would tell you that anybody who's seen you before this all went down and saw you at the store, like every bit of work you've put in shows. Oh, no. That's I told you it was weird. This last year before this happened, I would find myself on stage and get them laughing and I would go. I would think about while I was on stage telling the jokes,

I would thank myself for putting in the work. Like, oh, I remember where I learned this. I learned this sad. What was that casino that triple one Elko? Yeah. Elko, Nevada was a horror show. Elko, like I learned this at the underground. You know, when I think about comedy,

I think a lot about Seattle. I can give the commies to a lot of love, but I give me to Carl and Ron and that whole scene, you know, they gave us so much freedom. You know, we had, you know, and that's why when people said, well, I'm thinking of starting comedy in LA. That's great. But I'll tell you what, you're not going to get out of it.

What you get out of it in a regular comedy community because we were not worried about headshots then. Nobody talked about headshots. We didn't talk about a DVD stand-up. We didn't talk about specials. We didn't talk about agents. We didn't talk about managers. And that's a very special thing when you're just doing stand-up.

And it's fun. Monday nights, how much fun were you lived? How much money did you make on Monday? You didn't make a dime? No. You went down there because you were going to eat for free. You were going to drink for free. And you were going to laugh your ass off

because we had 18 comics that go up every Monday and Tuesday. 10 of them would be legit comics. The other eight. But funny. Were guys that were going to pull the trigger on themselves or somebody else any day. And today you look back. A lot of those guys iced himself.

The guy who's come up with the handcuff on. He did. Yeah, a little. He was always a weirdo. He was always like, don't act like, I forget what his name is. God rest his soul. Yeah, I didn't know. But I mean, I'm not surprised.

This case to come up on stage with the handcuff on. The tuxedo. There was a lot. There was one guy that had a joke up there. I remember one night I walked in their high as fuck. I think you know who it is. I forget his name. Good kid.

I think they used to you mentioned his name before. And I sat down kind of high. And I'm watching this guy headline. He goes, so he was talking about a rodeo clown. Joe. Joe Paragamo. Joe Paragamo. And then he goes, the other day we were walking past the store.

Me and my son were walking past the animal store. And my son saw a hamster and he asked me, that, what do you prefer? A rat or a hamster? And he goes, me, I prefer a finger. Yeah, that was Joe Vespasiani. Joe Vespasiani. First time I heard that joke.

I remember that joke. I prefer the finger. Yeah. I fucking fell the fuck back. You know, all those little things. Oh my God, I remember that. Bro, you remember all those jokes. He was a great writer.

He was a phenomenal. He was talking about the rodeo clown. Something with a rodeo clown that I was on a roll on. And then he went into the fucking animal thing. Son, what do you prefer? But all those years of watching, we're both here. And Brody is watching at this podcast right now. Motherfuckers, stop saying the gig harbors story.

I don't live my life that way. I don't live my life that way. It didn't happen that way. He kidnapped me. He should be in jail right now. I just forgave him. I forgave him because he was good to me. Because I saw him, then he came to, then he came back.

You know, I was, all right, so we moved to LA. Brody was in New York. Yeah. And I'm a coach. Norris is one name. Brody walks in. So I'm with a girl and a girlfriend. And we started talking.

And also at three o'clock, Brody don't do drugs. I think Brody smoked pot. Yeah. But he didn't snore coke. No. So I'm snoring coke with the two broads. And Brody's making the one broad laugh. So we go, fuck it, let's go.

Brody, you coming with us? And Brody's like, what are you talking about? And I go, you're driving. And he goes, I'm not driving. I go, you're fucking driving, bitch. Let's get in the car. We got in the car. He's got the cassette in.

He's got the cassette in for super unknown. We get to the fucking building where I lived. I lived on Hollywood, on the corner with all the Russians. Oh, yeah. The corner. The girl lived in the building next to me. And the other girl lived in the building. We ended up in the girl's apartment.

And then I left with the one girl. And I left Brody with the chubby blonde. But I stole the cassette to super unknown as we were getting out of the car. I pushed the jack. And I left. And two nights later, I see him at the store and he's like, can I ask you a question? Do you know what happened to my super unknown cassette?

And I go, I got it at my house. You know, you're really sucking on that. Yeah, he must suffer. Why would you steal a space bike? Why would you take a cassette from my car? Brody, because I love you. I didn't have to tell you anything. You know what I'm saying?

I just love that album. Where are you going to be in the next few weeks? Are you home? I'm home, man. I'm home. That's it. Just check out the YouTube channel. My special is on there for free.

You're beautiful. You're the best. I'm happy, man. You came out 25 years. Thank you so much. Before we get out of here real quick, don't forget. Listen, inflammation, pains, insomnia, anxiety. Boom. CBD lion got your back.

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All right. Press and code church. Press and code church. C-H-U-R-C-H. Thank you, Lee. You're all right. I suck it. You're finally in the high normal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you look back. Those farts brought you back. Yeah. See what happens when you sniff farts. It's good for you. The church has also brought to you by one of my favorites. Zip recruiter during this time of change.

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All right. Let's work together. So go to ziprecruiter.com slash work together right now ziprecruiter.com slash work together. I want to thank Josh Wolf. I want to thank the, what's that? Spotify. Oh, I want to thank, don't forget to watch us on Spotify. I want to thank Josh Wolf.

I want to thank the Christkiller. But I want to thank you guys for always having our fucking back. It's a beautiful day to be alive. There's a lot of shit you could be doing. But you're listening to us. Cocksuckers. Thank you very much for tuning in. Lee, kick this fucking meal, will you?