Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #803 - Vicki Barbolak

Episode Date: July 13, 2020

Vicki Barbolak, a stand up comedian who made it into the Top 10 Finals of America's Got Talent, and the host of the "Big Girls Don't Cry" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   Stamps.com -  Use code JOEY for a 4 week trial which includes postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com, click on the Radio Microphone at the top of the homepage and type in church.   CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies go to CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off. 

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Bam, get 20% off, delivered right to your house. Kick this motherfucking mule, it's Monday, bitch. Oh shit, they don't fuck fucking today, all right. No more fucking excuse. This is the year of the fucking soldier. We're going in like fucking Marie. You understand me?

Welcome to church, motherfucker. Oh shit. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Monday, whatever happened last week, time to go fuck themselves. It's a whole new week. Get unemployment on the phone. They still ain't picking up.

Vicky Barbalax, what's happening, you bad bitch? Talk to me. I need some of that tape. Do you have any of that CBD tape that they sell there at the lion? I have it, but I do not have it here. I'm starting to play tennis again Thursday with my girls that I haven't played with in two years.

If you would have told me, I would have brought you some. I love that idea, so I'll just get it 20% off. Seriously, I'm gonna get it right off because that sounds like a brilliant idea to me. For people who don't know Vicky Barbalax, she's number one, a dear friend of mine. We go back 20 years. Number two, she was a finalist on America's Got Talent.

And number three, if you wanna get married, she'll fucking marry. That's right. I can marry, I'll marry you personally. She's got her own motherfucking church. What's the name of it? It's called Wedding Chapel to Go. Wedding Chapel to Go.

Lou and I got a van, we wrapped it in leopard and we can go anywhere and marry people. Tiny little weddings, or I can zoom wedding right now. I can zoom anybody all across the country. Vicky Barbalax. I don't even have to be there, which is a pity. Where the fuck are the years gone, Vicky? So fast, Joe, you filled up your life

with all this great stuff, me too. It's been fast, it's been fun. Nobody gave us shit, Vicky. You and I are the two poster childs for working. Not given. Until they gave us something. I remember one time I was sitting at a table read with you and I was at a tall building with a beautiful view

and you said, you know, Barbalax, it's not the shows. It's the Greyhound bus you take to the shows. And that has been like my favorite thing that's always been in my head, right? It's the truth, yeah. Because it's always, it's the stuff around the shows. How much fun did we have in La Jolla? So much fun, so much fun.

In fact, we should go back and do an alley show there. So what I hear next weekend, they're gonna start doing shows in the alley in that piss filled alley. Oh my God. Can you imagine? Okay, they put the bathrooms in the store now. So there's a four seater, two four seaters. So people have been pissing less and less,

plus it's been closed for three years. So the smell is probably not too bad, but I think we should do it. I mean, you know, I don't mind. So it's just put some pot around it. We probably won't even smell it at all. If that's a huge parking lot back there, they would allow us to use the parking lot.

No, not the Vaughns. No, they would never. No, they would never. It's the alley. It's the fuck, the alley. How many people are you gonna put in here? 40. That's not bad.

I could do it. I could work with that. We love it. I could work with that. Outside, I could work with that. They're like, there's no money. I'm like, I don't care. There's no need to be money.

I don't care about it. COVID means no pay in Latin. I don't wanna get paid. Get it through your fucking head. I ever get my fucking unemployment. I don't wanna screw that up. Like it's ever gonna happen. But, you know, so I think it'd be fun.

We should do it. What made you start comedy, Rick? I just, I literally was in the bathroom and there was a trash can in my bathroom and it said comedy class. Sandy Shore, Paulie's sister teaches comedy. Picked it up out of the trash can and I said, I'm gonna take a comedy class

and I was 40. And I'm like, I had no idea. I'd only been in one comedy club in my life, the Comedy Store Hollywood one time. And I just never thought of anything just had an inkling that I should do this because I was always trying to make people laugh because I was a fat kid.

So anyway, that's what I did. And I walked in and Sandy had just translated an alien dictionary because she'd been abducted on a ship for about a year right before that. So I knew I'd found a home. And, but she was really good to me. She said, you're a special gift.

And she, nobody ever said anything nice to me about anything I ever did. So I'm always grateful to her for that. How long was the class? It was, oh, it was like nine weeks. I remember Bobby Lee was in the, in the, in the, in the, you know, back then if, if you took Sandy's class even forever, you were an asshole.

So people in that class was looked upon as an asshole. But, but I'm, I'm still glad that that's what I did because the guys in that room were, were really, they become really good friends of mine. I wouldn't have known that there was, I didn't know about Bobby Lee. How long do we go back with Bobby Lee? Yeah.

Right? Right. He was walking around quiet when we met him. He was like, he showed up. I don't know why he's free but I just don't wanna fuck with him. Yeah. He was, he was still bowing when we met him and shit and fucking, you know, he was bowing when he walked into the comedy club.

I'm like, wait, you don't have to fucking bow. I'm worried about nothing, Bobby Lee. Yeah. You know, we saw him blow up. I still talk to Shama. Yes, yes, yes. I still talk to, you know, there was just so many great people down there.

You know, and I was going down there when I was snorting kilos. Yeah. And I would walk in and go, Lou, what's the story? And he'd go, that's the bartender. And I'd tell the bartender to make the call, right? Before I went up on stage for the first show. And when I walked off, the fucking package was there.

It was like, you can't really, you know, both places were madness. Yeah. But the madness was different at both places. Yeah. What about tonight? Lou remembers this. I get down there and Lou says to me,

Joey, we got a call. There's some people, they're going to come hurt you. Oh yeah. Do you remember that? Fizz, all that shit. And I was like, no worries. And I took all the balls off the pool table. I put them in my pockets

and I put them in strategic places around La Jolla. I got a big kitchen knife from the redhead and I planted it upside down in the plant outside. I was going to cut these motherfuckers. I took all the pool sticks and I took them out. So in case they came in, there was pool sticks. I only knew where they were so I could hit them. I set this shit up like fucking Rambo.

You understand? Like right now my house is so booby trapped. I upgraded the alarm and there's certain things that you're going to go for because I'm a thief. So I know the, so I walked around my house with the fucking alarm guy and he learned an hour. Like he was like, I need to hang out more with you. I go, this vent here.

I want a camera on there and a fucking sensor on there. Why? Because I would go through these all the time. This is easy. This is easy. And if you got a kilo of coke, I got a sledgehammer and sledge do little sledges like this for fucking two hours from underneath.

So I know how to. So I prepped this La Jolla comedy store up. Like I was going to war. I took a couple knives and I put them around in case I had to throw them. I mean, I was out of my mind. Is this why they don't have a pool table anymore? It wasn't a pool table.

It was a bumper pool table. Right. Okay. That is why they don't have a pool table. Joey never returned the balls. I had those balls everywhere. And I had a hooded sweatshirt and I had a ball in each pocket. I was fucking going big that night

because there was like three or four of them. It was him and another. And now we're dear friends. Now me and Fizz are dear friends. He's, I don't know if he's still doing comedy. He's the other guy disappeared who was really brilliant. The other kid was going to be a really good comic. He had the mind of a great comic.

I don't know what happened to him. Drugs abuse, something happened to him. They were nice kids. They got mad at me because I told them not to touch the microphone at the comedy store. I go, don't touch it cause the wire is going to break. Sure enough, the guy goes up there and takes it like a gorilla.

The wire breaks. Now we got to do a 20 minute interval during a fucking three minute show for open micers. Really? Because you didn't want to be a polite open fucking mica. We told you not to touch the fucking microphone. Then he went outside and started getting loud with me. We pushed each other and he started threatening me

and calling me. And I get to La Jolla one night and everybody's like, listen, bro, he's coming by. I got this handle. Man. I don't know who was featuring for me. I don't remember who the fuck it was. And I'm sitting outside in between shows and I heard them.

They were in the car. I'm sitting in a little booth across in the Chinese sushi restaurant. I don't know what's there now. Another Chinese sushi restaurant. Last time I went to the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu school next door. Oh, yeah, right, right. Radija.

He's great. Actually, that is still. He's great. He's a great. He still emails me. He's a great man in La Jolla. I forget what it read in or something like that right now. He's a great teacher.

He showed me sign control. He was great. So I'm sitting out there. I'm waiting for these jerks. So I look up Vicky and I see them making the left onto La Jolla in front of La Jolla. And I step up behind the plant. I got the knife in case I got to throw it.

They had the water pistol. They showed up to a fucking gangsters house with the water pistols. So as they were going to pull the water pistols out, I took the fucking white ball and I just flung it at their car. And it sounded like a bomb went off. It went boom. They had like a key.

It almost tipped it over. They had like one of those cheap Japanese cars that almost tipped it over. Total day. And they flew off with a 20 minutes fucking Tommy was calling me. The cops just called me. What's going on?

I go, they can't show it the fuck with me. And this is what happens. Never again did they bother me. Just that noise. They thought a bomb had gone off. They took off. They burned rubber after that. That's so funny.

You know, when I see you, I think of Marilyn. Yeah, me too. I think of Marilyn once a week. Since I talked to you the other day. And I thought I was doing a British podcast the other day. And they were saying, what happens if you don't? This is a sad part. I just shouldn't.

But what happens if you don't have health insurance in America? I go, well, they put you in a fucking closet. And they say, goodbye. You know, I just remember how much it would have been great if Marilyn could have had good health care. And it was so awful. But she was the best, funniest, most wonderful.

I would be at a light with her. We'd be white people crossing in front of us. Does he look like the kind of guy that would twist your nipples? Doesn't he look like the kind of guy that would twist your nipples? Vicky. I'm like, yeah, man, he's so does.

Yeah, I love that. I mean, I love it too. You know, I just miss her so much. She used to do phone sex. Oh, phone sex with her giant strippy. She would. My toys. She had a fucking cat.

And I would call her. And she'd be doing phone sex. And she'd go home in a second. And we'd talk for a minute. And she's like, hold on. I'm going to suck your dick. You like it like Miko? You like Chinese women?

All right, Joe. Yeah, we'll go to Ventura. Oh, you still there? Let's suck it. Suck it. Play with it. Did you come yet? And you're hearing this on the phone.

She'd be making suck sounds out of a giant 64-ounce slurpee. And then she'd ship the slurpee. See, yeah, it was an experience when she died, a little piece of me went into the comedy store. That was one of the other reasons why I stopped going to the comedy store, because she always told me about the store, how it was. Like she really, I met her at the Laugh Factory

for the Latino Laugh Festival showcase. I wasn't even living here. And she approached me and she goes, Mitsy, see you yet? Yeah. And I go, no, she's like, that's your first stop after here? Yeah. And she goes, hold on. She might not be there tonight.

It's Wednesday night. Wait till you come down. Next time I walk you into Mitsy's. Mitsy needs to see you. Awesome. And Marilyn was also the first person ever to call me out of my drug use. And when she called me out on it,

I was done with the drug a week later. Wow. And I was 13 years ago. She's been dead 13 years. Yeah, it's hard to believe. She died November 3rd, Rick Ramos' birthday. November 3rd, 19, 2007. I quit coke maybe a week after.

Because of how? No, it was a little, she died November, whatever, but a month before that, she got the cancer in April. And they brought her home in August because they knew what we were going to have her here for. It's no good. So they were having little parties for her. And I would go on Sundays.

And one Sunday it was just me and her. And she was telling me that when she was going to beat this disease, she had to talk with God. And she wasn't going to curse on stage anymore. She goes, I'm not going to curse on stage anymore because God doesn't want me to do this. If he beats this cancer, I'm not cursing on stage no more. And at that same breath, she was like,

you know, when somebody's struggling to talk and breathe, she's like, I get over this. I told God, I won't curse on stage no more. And she looked at me. And she goes, and God wants you to stop doing coke, Joey. You have to stop. You have to take care of yourself. You don't want to be where I am right now.

And everything sunk. Because I knew this was it. I knew she loved me. This wasn't some fucking fake counselor. This wasn't a guy at the heart, the improv that wants to be cool and do an intervention. This was coming from a place of love. If it was anybody else, I would have smacked him

at that time, I was feeling. And I looked at her and I said, you're right. I think it's time to make do something with God. You know, I think that is absolutely true, that she knew that and she wanted you to know that. The other part though, it makes me sad because, you know, I feel like she was always so brilliant, but she was so much ahead of her time.

And people kept telling her not to swear, not to be body, you know, not to be like, you know, you're too dirty. And it was like, they were shaming her constantly, shaming her, shaming her, shaming her. But she knew in her heart that that was not bad. It was good, what she was doing was very good. That's why I went after that producer. And that fucking producer.

Because I shamed, he shamed her and me. He shamed her, God damn you, Marilyn. He shamed us a lot and then he came around. Yeah. And he tried to help Marilyn out, but he was given a, you know, nothing compared to what the guy was really making. But to hear that she internalized that so much

that on her, you know, bargaining days with God, that she bargained that, you know, that she took their side against her own self, that's how much indoctrination she got from the industry, not just him, but from everybody. Mitzi never shut her down, but everyone else did. You're not gonna get on this showcase over and over again. And because she was so much ahead of her time,

that's all, what she did then is being done now on a fucking every show. I'm gonna tell you a very sad story. I've never told anybody this. Marilyn wasn't the best-looking woman in the world, but she had a great heart. She looked like a little doll, Indian doll. She looked like an Indian doll.

She was chubby and she wore it well. She was proud of it. I was, before I was giggling, I was thinking of her joke. I like all you guys that walk around with muscles, bench press me, motherfuckers. Yeah. Never miss, she would say, let me sit on your face, try to get me off your face.

Let's see how strong you really are. You benched 200 pounds. Bench press me, like, she, I forget what's right. You remember what she would do, the Home Depot joke, when she'd go, I wanna feel what it's like to have me lift up in a shower. So I hired like three guys from Home Depot, lift me up, lick my, lick me.

So when she was sick, Betsy Salkind and I decided, instead of bringing her flowers, we'd each chip in 40 bucks. We got a guy from Home Depot. So we bring this guy to the hospital and she was in Los Angeles. Now we realize that all these people are taking these people from Home Depot

and getting their organs. So now we're bringing this guy from Home Depot over to the hospital. And we're trying to say in English to him, his name was Onario, we're going, Onario, we're not gonna take your organs. Our friend is sick. She has this joke about men from Home Depot.

So we're taking you for our friend, but we're not gonna take your organs. We're trying to convince him that. So he doesn't really know what's going on, but he's such a doll. And he comes up to the hospital with me. He's so beautiful and lovely. He gets in bed with her and lays there

and they talk and it was fantastic. But it was just like we were so worried and we thought we were gonna take his organs. I was with her one night. It was a Sunday night. She was rocking in those days. She really had the store down. It's a gift once you have the store down.

It takes a couple of years. You do well on the road. Then to get the store down is a different story. They had her at the right spot before Brian Holtzman behind me, you know, I'm a hugger. Get the fuck out of here, cock licker. She would say shit to me. And then one night we were there.

And this is when I think she broke. This is why I'm giving this to Young Comics as a piece of advice. We were sitting there and Lisa Lampinelli was on stage. At the time nobody knew who Lisa was, but she was in there with her. Whoever was pushing her in the beginning. I love Lisa Lampinelli.

I'm just telling you what I saw on stage that night. Lisa was heavy. She had on like men's pants, like a sloppy white shirt. She was big. She, you know, if you see Lisa now when Lisa 10 years was different than the Lisa that walked into the comedy store. And Lisa was up on stage and there was like film people

there and you know, half of Hollywood was there on a Sunday night to see Lisa Lampinelli. Nobody knew who it was. It was like a showcase. Her agent, the manager had set up a man and looked at me and she goes, that's the shit I've been doing for the last 10 years and nobody talks to me. And I remember taking her outside and going,

listen man, doesn't really matter. You are, but she goes, you see, they don't fucking like me. Like that was one of the times she felt very disliked and she was right. She goes, Lisa Lampinelli's up there talking about black dick and doing this and that. I've been doing, she was talking about, she's just suck Filipino dick.

Cause it was small Chinese dick. It was like, it was like a, Dirkopickles. The Dirkopickles. Dirkopickles. You know, like shit like that. She was saying all that shit with nobody. Way before anybody else.

You know, way before anybody else. It was me and her, Oldsman. We were like the odd men out, you know. It is so weird how there was, it's just such a weird thing about, it's just like, boom. It's like lightning strikes certain people. Why didn't it strike Marilyn? And because though, but she was so far ahead of it,

so far ahead of it. And then Lisa just got into that sweet spot that, that Marilyn had opened up and people, I just, you know, that, and then the thing is like, we just have to, I mean, for me, it's like always been about just like not caring, just caring about getting to do stand up. Because if, I think I just always expected nothing to happen.

I never, Lisa, Lisa, Vicki, I didn't expect nothing from this career. Yeah. I thought if I would be an extra, when I came here, if I had no expectations or anything, I came here with a pilot. Yeah. You know, I had no expectations of anything.

I was just, I knew that I was going month to month. My career was six months to six months. And somehow everything always happened every six months. Yep. A headline spot, a TV show, this guy likes you. You got an agent that would make you stay and say, okay. Yeah. I'll stay for another six months.

Right. 22 years will look at that. Yeah. You know? And Joey, you were 10 years younger than Vicki when she started, but do you think starting later in life has helped you guys in a different way? Because I can't imagine.

Like I started at 29, something like that. And I felt like all the open micers were 10 years younger than me. I felt out of place. So I don't know how it affected you guys. Vicki, go first. It is what it is. So for me, it's like, because I was a mom,

I used to drive up to the Comedy Store parking lot in Hollywood and go, I'm a mom from this to California who sold carpet for the last 20 years at my parents' shop. And I'm going to the Comedy Store parking lot. How is this happening? And when I get inside, all the people were nice to me because I wasn't a threat. I wasn't like somebody they wanted to fuck.

I was just like a mom who brought cake. And so I feel like- That's right, you should bring cakes on Saturday night. I always felt like I had a special in because of my weirdness, but industry was like, no, no, no, no, no. Even when the Comedy Store put me on as the next breakout star and Mitzi had my back so hard,

no one else. And I wasn't the kind of person that would knock a second time on any door. I just didn't get that. But the thing is, it probably would have been better if I was younger, but when I was younger, I was catatonic. I was so afraid. What year did you start?

It was like 1997 to do my first standing class. Have anybody listened to this? I want you, do you have a website or anything? Yeah, it's vickybarberlackcomedy. I want you to follow vickybarberlack. I'm going to tell you why. Okay, this is what respect is to women. Women earn respect.

You have to earn respect as a woman at the Comedy Store. Always remember that. Yes, men are going to try whatever. People are going to bother you. But you know what? If you earn your respect as a woman at the Comedy Store, you can walk in their head fucking hot. Vicky Barberlack started in 1997, guys.

We're talking about 2020 now. That's 23 years. But I'm going to tell you something that was the most disheartening thing to me and Vicky's going to remember this. I got here in 1997, which made me 34 years old. I got criticized so much. The cocaine use didn't help because it made me look 44.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But there was such a stigma about comics over 25 that it was horrendous. I still remember listening to my biggest beef. I think my biggest thing I did in this time. And I love them. I love Rick Messina.

I love Rick Messina. I love what he did for the comics. He used to cook on Sundays. But Rick Messina is behind the store one night. And I'm like five feet away. Rick Messina or whatever management with Tim Mallins management, Drew Charry's management. They were also the executive producer of his first show.

The TV show. Yeah. Tool Time, yeah. Tool Time, whatever the fuck. So he's a sweetheart of a guy. I mean, this is an executive producer. I had a show on TV at the comics on Tuesday. Not Tuesday.

Wednesday. Because Tuesday was Joe Torrey night in the back. And they just took over the store. The African-Americans or the white people would actually be scared to come down. Do you remember Tuesdays in the original room? Oh, yeah. You would call it 10.

They're like, we're not open yet. We got four people waiting to start the show. We need six. Like shit like that on Tuesday nights. So now if you wanna think about what's going on back then, you got the word right here. But I heard that motherfucker tell a woman one night. Like there was a girl.

I didn't know her. I didn't know her. I didn't know her personally. I seen her at the store. She'd come down and work out on Sundays and Mondays. Half attractive. If I'd see it today, I remember. She was talking to Rick.

Trying to fucking work him over for management or whatever. And he said to her, I heard it. He goes, you know, honey, your time is coming past. And she goes, but I'm just 32. He goes, then Holly was not interested in 32 woman right now. They're interested in 25 to 28.

So your time is past. And then they spoke a little while long. And I went home and my cocaine and next day I woke up and I thought about it. And I go, that was the rudest thing. Because first off, he's making a million dollars off Drew Carey. He ain't no 25 years old.

And he's making another millions of dollars off Tim Allen. And he wasn't no 25 years old. So why are you, they were discouraging us. They were purposely going, agents would say, right to your face. You're too old for what I'm looking for. What do you mean? What the fuck are you looking for?

And then some people are like, yeah, you're funny. Let's bring in your commercial agent. Rick Missy and it did give me a shot once though. And it was like so awful because what is it holiday when he has that baseball game in his yard? Yes. What holiday is that? Every Sunday.

Every Sunday. Okay, so it was a big one though. It was like everybody was going. And so I am very, very careful about pot, especially back then I hardly ever smoked it. Cause when I was 12, I had to go to rehab for drugs. Anyway, so pot affects me very strongly. So it was a Randy, Randy,

one of the big pot smoking comics, whatever. I know you took, take it. Anyway, he asked me if I want to hit. I driven myself and everything. So I usually, I said, yeah, I'll take a hit. I took one big hit and it was like, all of a sudden the room was just the, I was spinning around. I was like, oh my God.

So I had to go to the very top of the stadium seating, all by myself and wait until I could speak. And Rick Messina comes all the way up, all the way to the top and sits next to me. And I couldn't speak. I literally couldn't open my mouth, couldn't move. I just looked at him like this. It's fucking Rick Messina in my head.

I knew what I was doing, nothing. I was ruining my career, my life that this moment was happening and I was fucking unable to help myself. And I just stared at him for like 10 minutes and he was looking at me really weirdly. And he goes, huh? I go, hmm. And I just had the most crazy, crazy, crazy face

because I was trapped in my, I couldn't. You know, I've been there, I've been there, I've been there. When you start staying stupid, shit. They're talking about the moon, you're talking about the sun. I couldn't, nothing. And they look at you like, that happens to me all the time. I drove home and I'm like, Vicky, you fucking,

fucking idiot. You're fucking idiot. I do it all the time, still. I don't even know what people are saying, I guess. I don't know what they're saying. I'll make noises and shit. He probably just came up to tell me I was too fucking old anyway.

But just in case he liked my comedy, it seemed like that might be why he went that trip up those stairs. What has it been for you like the last 10 years before America's got talent and how did you get America's got talent? The last 10 years before were pretty rough because those were the Tommy years

and I got kind of kicked out of the comedy store because he kicked everybody out that he didn't want around. And anyway, I always felt like it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. But on the other hand, the terrible things sometimes turned out to be not the terrible things because I think I was taking it for granted.

And so then I had to go around and just do whatever I could find to do. And I was doing just like private fundraisers working in the clubs in San Diego as much as I could because I never stopped doing stand-up. I still went up like four or five times a week. Well, you've got any love in La Jolla? Oh yeah, I always got La Jolla.

And then I started that wedding business and that turned out to be really fun and that was great. And then I was also doing a really fun show called Funny Housewives of Orange County which we had six, 700 people at every show. So that was like poppin' and I was loving that. But then Sharon Houston called me up one day

and she goes, I'm producing outside for America's Got Talent. I want you to come out and I go, okay, are you fucking crazy? How is Sharon? She's beautiful and great. She's really busy and good. She's doing all that Hollywood producing type stuff. And so I'm like, they're not gonna take me Sharon, you're insane.

She's still beautiful. She's so pretty. I haven't seen her in 20 something years. She looks like she's 12. She was dating a friend of mine the last time I saw her. She's still got nice, high tie titties. Who was she dating? A comic that was a loser.

Oh, isn't that the story of everybody? Yeah, she was dating a loser 20 years ago. And she called me one day and she's like, I don't know what to do. What if they got married? No. Okay. It's like, I don't know, what do you think?

Like Sharon, I don't know what the fuck to tell you. Tom, Tom. That's like, when they ask you, what are you gonna do? Cause they're gonna get married the next week. You can never tell the truth. If you're gonna hedge your bets. So you went down, Sharon. So she called me and I go, no, they're gonna,

so she bugged me for two weeks. And she told me, she goes, so many people at my level, like mid-level comics, upper level, even, you know, headliners, they turned her down because nobody wants to eat it on that show. And the chances of you eating it are great. You're in a really bad situation, two minutes, talk to the judges and then two minutes to stand up.

It's a tough set, but because I never watched the show and I was sitting in my fucking trailer with no hope, I'm like, what do I have to lose? I'm already on the bottom. I cannot go any farther, fall. Fuck yeah, I'll do it if they'll take me, which I didn't think they would. So finally she goes, no, they're British.

They already saw your tapes. They love you, come on. And I did. And I went and went to airplane hangar in Santa Monica with just the head producer and the sound person and the co-producer, three people in the airplane hangar. I'm like, this is great. And then I did my two minutes and then they go,

that's great, do you have any more? I go, well, I prepared two minutes, but I put time in for laughs, but you're the shittiest audience I've ever had. And then it was great. And then I got on the show. And how many levels did you have to go on the show? I made it like to the finals.

How many weeks was that? I was like, it took a year. It takes a year. So they paid you the whole time? Not a dime. Not a dime. Okay. We lived 105 miles from Hollywood.

So we were considered local. They, we had to pay our own motel when we came in. So I was sleeping on a lot of couches. So was Lou. What the fuck is happening? I can't believe we didn't call you and asked to say you're out. You're what you bastard.

I still remember getting 99 wheels of justice. What was that show on TNM, 50 wheels of justice. And they shot in San Diego and they gave me $65 per deal. I lived in Hollywood. They paid me a scale, but they gave me a hotel. Yeah. They would give you a hotel.

What's the radius for a hotel now? 150. Oh. Yeah. What mother fucker. I'm like, we should move. I thought about moving to a different trailer park, 35 miles from Faraday South.

But in the very end of the finals, when you're at the Dolby and stuff, they put you up. I think they put us for the last two finals. They did put us in LA. But the bottom line was I didn't care because I'm used to being poor forever. What the fuck?

Oh, I'm not getting my $15 tonight. Kill me, right? So it didn't matter to me about money because we already know how to live on air. So I just hope that it would work out and it did. So it was cool. Can you explain to people loving something so much? People don't have an idea what it's like

to love something so much, not because you want to be a star. Just because you want to be good at something. That you cut Netflix, you cut the television, you sell your couch, and you're like, this is how I'm going to live because it really doesn't matter. I'm just doing comedy anyway.

Like it doesn't matter. And some nights I'm going to get $20. Some nights I'm going to get $50. And some nights I'm not going to get decked. But I know I'm doing three sets a night. And in a year, I could afford an apartment. You know, it's like once you do it, and then you go, oh, I know what I need to do.

This is what needs to be done. If I want to do this, oh, you want to start insane on the road, you're getting $250 a week at no hotel. That car better be comfortable. And you better know how to take a shower behind the thing and fucking at a gas station. And you know, these are the things you got to learn.

How to sneak into a hotel and jump in that pool. That's good enough. I'll put some gel in my hair. I'll do a show. Sometimes you can't take a shower. You just got to shoot in a pool. There's free breakfast at the hotel across the street. Free breakfast, yeah, please.

I don't know how many times I pulled up behind a hotel and just went to sleep and nobody even bothered you. But people really don't understand the concept of loving something that, you know, it's like right now, I know for a fact there's no money in comedy. Do I want to do comedy? Yes, locally.

Once this area opens up again, I'm going to be a demon doing comedy again. I did love though, when I got that room at Las Vegas, the Kimmel room of that residency and that was like so much fun. And then I loved seeing that gigantic Joe Ideas billboard in Las Vegas. I mean, there is something.

Now, when were you there? We were there together? I was there when you, yeah, you were there. When I was there only on Tuesday nights. And so I didn't get to see you, but I saw your billboard and I was so fucking happy. That was Treasure Island. I was supposed to be in Treasure Island in two weeks.

Yeah. I was fucking like that. We left Lou's guitar and Lou's piano in the Kimmel room because we were coming back the next Tuesday. It's been there for four months. Fuck. Fuck. Yeah.

You know, I was on a Rogan's thing on Saturday night and I'm like, you know, I got to be honest with you people the first three months. I was like, thank God, I don't have to go out at night no more. I can't do all of this shit anyway. Thank God. Who the fuck am I thinking? I'm a comic going to the comic store on 57th.

I pissed my pants every 30 minutes. So I can't see at night. You know, I mean, things are moving quickly on the down. And the cocaine tooth is back because it shipped. That was the cocaine tooth from my name is Earl. Look at that. You see my name is Earl. That's not a prop.

That was the cocaine tooth at the end. When I saw it on TV, I was so embarrassed. I went to a doctor the next day and he goes, it was the day before Christmas. I go, you got to fix this. I can't walk around with this crack dude. He goes, what do you got at the house? I go, like five hundred dollars.

He goes, bring it in. He goes, I only do it for you for Christmas. And he goes, it's only going to last three years. Well, it lasted 13. Nice. But it fell off the other night. So you can't, I talked to my girl. She's like, you know, Joey, give us a few weeks

because right now the dentist is. That's all mouth. Lou, we just, we got a guy in Mexico for you. The gollies. Oh, I got no passport. Oh, Lou is an ex-feline and he can go. Oh, not now. You went.

I know what that was before. 20 years ago. You could get a passport. You knew a yes, you can. You know what you cannot get is a. I got a warrant. Oh, nevermind. Sorry, forget it.

Oh well, nevermind. Besides it's a, nobody's going to drive six hours to the dentist but us. Yeah, no, no, I'm not going to Mexico. I'm sorry. I get mugged. No, it's not a good idea. Right here.

It was a nightmare. There's an Armenian around here somewhere. Yeah, no. I got an Armenian that doubles a body shot. They sprayed Windex on his face before they operated. So that I would not recommend it. But it's all we could afford. They sprayed Windex around the chair.

I saw it. Yeah, they're fucking, you know, it's like this COVID test. This COVID test at Dodge Stadium. You see the lines. Why would you go there? Why would you go there? Do you know what the, okay, again, I got a GED. What are the odds?

There's the testing, 5,000 people a day. Are those people doctors or they just, just the average of human, I don't want to say this word, but just with human stupidity, there's so much human error there that I put Vicky Barbalax tube into Lisa Yat's bag. You know, there's so many people that you, there's four cars at one time.

You know, how, how much error, how much room for error do you have? You wanted to get tested for COVID, pay the doctor, get a blood test. See, you got the antibodies. But for you to put a fucking swab in your nose, especially me and Lou, look, they put a swab in your nose. What are you going to get back?

I got fired. Like I told you the other night, listen, I started with THC crystal, which is angel dust. It's animal tranquilizers. Then I moved on to cocaine, some heroin along the way. Then you go down on women, you sniff that pussy. That gives you something in your nose.

God forbid you eat them from behind and you get that asshole dust. When you first open up the hassle, it gives you like that asshole dust under the nose. And then, you know, I smelled Newark. You know what I'm saying? Like, you ever drive through Newark? Once you have all that shit in your nose,

no test is going to come back negative. I'm coming back positive for something. Now what happens if they fuck that test up and they call vicking go, you just fucked up? What are you talking about? You got everything in your nose. Cause you know cocaine. We got heads in our nose, do we not?

If you got heads in your nose, you got pores in your fucking nose. So shit went into those fucking pores. I trust one of those swabby dobby tests. If you come to me with a swabby dobby test, I don't want it. Let's call me the night before. I'll prepare mentally. I'll give you the blood.

Everything else is background fucking music. You got a piss test for it? You gotta have a piss test for it. Yeah. It should come out in your piss. Something needs to come out in your piss. A saliva test. A saliva test.

Something, but I want the blood. Let's be certain. Why fuck around? My daughter Lily's a scientist. She's a bio statistician and their company in Carlsbad. They're just her little company. 14 trials are going on right now for testing. So I mean, there's just,

there's going to be a home test soon. I mean, it's sooner than ever because what she told me and everyone knows is that they have literally said there is no more regulation. We could do whatever we want as fast as we want. So it is going to move faster than it's ever moved before. And there's so many more companies and people on it. There's, think, it will happen.

It's just not going to be, even as fast as it is with all the population so big, it's still going to be slow. But it's going to happen. Home tests are going to happen soon. And I mean, I think. Thank God. Because I don't trust, I'm not sending it down. They closed the Dodgers stadium testing facility.

Well, I don't know if you know this, the Dodgers are in there. Okay. They were practicing to have a major league baseball team to generate millions of dollars for this economy. Now, you want to sit out here with your COVID-filled car, 10 hours with your fucking ugly family, breathing COVID air.

You're going to get COVID. And then it's coming out of the fucking vents and the guy next to you, that poor fucking Chinese guy that's getting tortured. He's not even Chinese. He's like from fucking Hong Kong or something. But he's getting eggs thrown at his house. He hasn't bothered anybody, you know?

And also he's sitting there. You're fucking low in the window to get the air out. He lowers his, the vid goes in his fucking car. You can't, you got to wear a mask in those things. And there's not to be like a hundred people. You know, everybody blamed the protest. There's a thousand things I blamed. You know, there's a thousand,

we had a day, three people tested positive from a flight on Delta. Oh. Right after the fucking flight. You know, you can't do any of this. What about the COVID parties? Well, I couldn't believe I heard about that. I wish I could fucking get a room.

That would be such a great business to get COVID dust and like, like remember, what's the fucking black Dracula? Spade, blade, blade, blade, blade, whatever. Blade, fucking, remember he went to the first party and the things opened and blood came out and everybody was dancing to the blood. That's what they do.

I would love to have those parties. I'm fucking great at that. I'll read one of those Hitler manifestos. I'll get one of those parties. I lock the doors and start spraying that fucking, I'll get one of those fucking things for the 50s. We just spraying fucking COVID dust in there and watch them go down one by one, one by one.

And whoever gets the money, now that kid died playing the game. He should get the money. Yeah. He won. Yeah. Throw it in. He won.

They better renegotiate what party he went to. Because whoever gets the COVID first wins. I guarantee somebody else got it first and this guy took the bullet and as he was dying, he's like, I better get my money. He even told the nurse, get my money. You know, how come we can also, I got like $14,000 tied up in Delta tickets right now.

And you, yes. And you have no idea what I had tied up in fucking jet blue tickets. Okay. I got you. And I'm like. We're gonna lose that. I can't.

What? Yeah. I'm not gonna fly in time to get the money. I'm not going to. You're right. I've got two round trip tickets on jet blue. We've got to get them first class fucking mint. And they're not going to save it for you.

They're going to save it for like nine months. I had. Fuck that. And you know, I love jet blue. Yeah. A lot of people don't know this shit's gone away. That's why all that cancellation shit was so important. Cancel it and get your money back now

before people start realizing what's really happening. It's like, I can't understand it. Why? I was like six months booked. So I bought tickets in advance because they're cheaper. So I have all, I have those tickets all bought. And then Delta goes, well, we're living two years, but my contracts are all void.

Why isn't my contract with Delta void? I don't want to get on their plane because people are getting sick. It's just, I want, I really want the money back. I need it. Everybody. I mean, but what? Listen, there are so many.

I do this podcast for one reason. I brought, you want to live for one reason because I know you bring joy right now. People are having the hardest times of having their life. And I could tell you a thousand stories. I know personally. I'll blow a pilot.

Okay. I'll blow a pilot. I'm offering to blow any Delta pilot that's listening right now. Listen to me. Yes. I don't even think nobody wants a blow job. Damn it.

It's cold. Would you take a blow job from a civilian right now? You know, no. I just came up to you for COVID. Okay, I won't blow you. I will not blow anyone. Blow on that COVID dick in your bloodstream for your nutsack.

Now you're nuts, Scott COVID. Oh my God. The kid's gonna be born with COVID. Right from the gate. The kid's asymptomatic. He's born, his eyes are all fucked up. He's gotta have a fucking asthmatic thing and shit on him. No, you want to do nothing.

I don't want to see nobody. I don't want to talk to nobody. I was having some fun with my wife for a while. For a couple of weeks we were banging it out. But then I'm like, you know, you come in, you piss. You got COVID on your hands. Thank God I always wash my hands before I touch my dick. I've been doing that since I was 18.

I don't even put my dick in the toilet. When I shit, I shit up. I'd rather leave a stain. I like a snail than leave my nutsack. I want my nutsacks and my dick to always be clean, prepared. I don't want somebody to come back and say, I got a toothache from sucking my dick. You know what I'm saying?

It's so good to know that. You have to be, you know. It's a romantic. You know, that's why people listen to your shit. You have to wash your fucking hands before you touch your dick. If not the woman you love or the guy you love is going to get something one day.

He's going to come back with a fucking cavity. And I don't know how I got it. I don't have any cavities. Explain why Lou's always washing his hands. Got to wash your fucking hands before you touch your dick. Unbelievable. How has life been after this?

What has life been treating you like? What do you feel like? Honestly, the very best thing was seeing my name at the comedy store. The same night your name was up at the comedy store. That night was like the best night for me. Getting back to the comedy store was the best thing. Beyond anything else.

And then just the tour, the touring, headlining. And all my life dreamed I could do an hour and be a good headliner and get people to laugh hour after hour. And the strength, it's like laying the brick and getting that point where you really can lay a good wall and do fancy tricks at the top. My wife taped you every night.

Oh, it's so nice. I loved that. I think I watched one of what, you know, was so fucking proud of you. You said that you guys loved it. I like tears in my eyes. I look for that shit. Like I leave the house at night.

Why do comedy? Before I leave the house at night, I check Conan. Yeah. I check Letterman. I check everybody to see if one of my friends is gonna be there. So great. And I tape it and I sit there the next morning.

I wake up like a fucking 14 year old kid who's gonna get his dick sucked by the teacher the first time, right? I wake up ready to go and I put the special, you know, I put your thing on TV and I'm fucking cheering for you. Thank you. And six out of 10 times, I'm very disappointed.

Why did he do that joke? He's been doing that joke for a fucking two years. God damn it. You just fucked it up. You couldn't take the sum out. You know, like, I'm one of those guys, like I'm coaching them. Yeah.

Do the fucking radiator joke. And they're like, well, yeah. And I'm like fucking getting pissed off with you. You looked beautiful. Like you were comfortable talking to the judges and shit they dug you. I'm like, that's the comedy story. Yeah, it is.

That's what my wife says. She goes, she won that. That's the comedy story. That is the comedy story because it takes everything out. It takes you down to be real. Especially the original room. You have to find, you cannot be in there and not any bit of you that's not real

is like an X-ray machine. So I feel like that's what I was into so long. And so yeah, being on that show is millions of people watch that show. Like 13, 14, 15 million people a week watch that show. People read that. And so I had no idea of what that would mean for my career. And it's just, I'm so lucky and happy

because I just kept hoping that something would happen that I get to keep doing stand-up. And I didn't know what it would be, but I just hope that something would happen. And that's what happened. And I got to- Could you be a road warrior at this age? Were you out there every week?

I've been, I was two years and I came home like twice. We were, I have to, I mean, yeah. And it was, you know, it's great. It is great. As long as you can do it, it's great. And I had met so many wonderful people and, you know, people took me on boat rides and took me to their houses and fed me and Lou.

And we met great people and it was so much fun. And then it ended so fast and that's okay. It happened for everyone. And maybe it'll happen again and Vegas will come back. But whatever it is, I got to do it. And I am so grateful. I learned one thing out of this quarantine and this situation. I'm okay though.

I'm lying to you if I'm telling you, I'm not having a hard time some nights. I had to stop doing the edibles because I was using them as a crutch. You know, you got nothing else. Well, I got no spot tonight. Might as well start eating edibles at four in the afternoon. And by fucking eight, I'm a mess, you know, on the couch.

So, you know, I said some things. I did some things about comedy that, you know, it was too much in my life. I didn't want that much in my life. And now I realize that was wrong, you know, I was wrong. And I'll tell you what, man, I hope they do come up with a vaccine. I hope they make it that at least we could perform

in front of 200 people. Otherwise I'll see you in the alley. I'm 57. Yeah. So, I just want to stay healthy enough to do one farewell tour. Like go to every fucking small club from Providence. Like I liked all those 280 clubs, you know.

That's my world. Anything after that, that theater world I went on, that was a great time. But I got to tell you something, it wasn't for me. It's not the feel what you want. It wasn't for me. I realized that, I remember realizing it and going, why do I keep booking theaters?

And I remember I had, either in June, was the last set of theaters. It was a Cleveland Indianapolis run. And I'm like, I don't give a fuck. Cause you know, on April, we didn't know about COVID. We thought we were going to be back to work in June. The dealers are going to be back to get it. And I remember looking at that day going, I can't do it.

It was too much for me to fly into a city. I was flying into a city Thursday. I'm not complaining. I had it nice and easy. This is as easy as can be. I go to the best restaurant in town. Whoever, like local flavor? Yes.

Like somewhere local. That was so fun. I give a little big tip. I talk to the locals. The show is already sold out. You know what I'm saying? I don't have to do nothing. I just wanted to go meet some of the locals.

And then I went back to the hotel. Friday I'd get up, I'd go to a kickbox in school or something in the area. I'd call them before I'd go to the gym. I'd smoke pot, have a nice breakfast at the hotel. Take a nap, watch narcos. And then you do this little eight o'clock show at a theater and it's sold out.

And after you take some pictures and you're in your room by 10, 30, 11 o'clock. You know, but this is what I didn't like. I had to be out there by 10 and go to another train station. And it was either a four hour train or three hour. And Saturday is your nap day. Saturday, Friday night when you go on the road,

you can't wait till the second show is over. Cause you got Twinkies. You got a fucking pizza. You got fucking eight sleeping pills. You got Edibles. You got heroin. You got narcos. You got the Godfather.

You have so many things when you go back to the hell term. Why? Cause you don't have to get up on Saturday. Hello. Hello. No radio on Saturday. No radio on Saturday. So I'm up till four fucking around Friday nights.

Writing, texting, whatever the fuck, you know. Then Saturday you get up at eight. I would, even if I went to bed at four, I'd get up at eight, catch two eggs, sunny side up, two pieces of bacon, two pieces of wheat toast, no butter. Eat it, walk outside, smoke a fucking joint, go back to the hotel room. And that's why I sat till about five, four 30.

I'd go to the gym, get a little room service cause I'm not going nowhere at six. At six I'm not going nowhere. And everybody's got a piece of salmon, right? Everybody's got salmon. So I would eat salmon, go to the club. I rather do the clubs. I was more comfortable in that club.

But you feel them, they feel the room, you feel the heart. And the theater, they're so far away. You don't have a dialogue with them. You have your, boom, boom, boom. It's not like getting real. It's great, it's fun, it's a great experience to have. But I'm going back to sweet home Alabama. I'm going back to the clubs, you know.

Which ones, I don't know, we'll see which one's open and what's left, but that's how I feel. You know what really stuck with me from our, we had a Rudy Sarzo on our recent episode. And he said, the thing that helped him in life is to not look for happiness, but to look for peace. And that sort of sounds like what you're talking about, Joey, because you could, everyone talks about doing theaters

and doing arenas, but you're just, you're more, you're more peace. You come to an age, listen, it's all about your age and what you've been through and what you've seen. We've seen how many comics coming though. That had more things going on than you and I had ever dreamed of. It disappeared, they're selling,

gone on Facebook, they're selling real estate in Florida now. This was too much, and I, you know, this. I always just think they had sense. Yeah, no, no, this is too much. This is, you know, this, the beginning of this is rough. The middle of this is rough. And guess when it gets rougher, once you're up there, I can't imagine Kevin Hart's life.

No wonder you flipped that fucking car. I can't imagine Dave Chappelle's life, you know? Right, right. Yeah. Arena's fluffy, you know? That's not, I love that he's doing it, but you know what? I just want to go back to the clubs. Yeah, for real.

I want to let him bruise it, I want to fucking talk to people. Yes, that's what you're doing it for. The theater's like, oh, you're doing it for the check. How many clubs do you go to to see the staff? Right. The staff and the wise guys in Utah, the staff in Cleveland. The staff is that the fucking West Palm Beach. The staff is sweet down there, you know, Tempe.

Oh my God, they couldn't be any nicer. So you go, you look forward to all that. Now we don't have dick. I look forward to watching. My goal is not to watch Jeopardy of Seven. If Jeopardy comes on, I'm at the wrong room, okay? So as soon as it's 10 to seven, I get up and I sometimes I cry. Yeah.

Sometimes then I call Lee and torture him to make myself feel better. I call Lee and tell him I'm going to bring a hooker to his house. That's so funny. And he's gonna have to eat her ass and shit. But I love that you said you already forgot that you're a comic. I mean, it's only been three or four months and we've done it for every night of our lives. I had to forget because if not, it would be too painful. Yeah, I guess it's just.

I had to forget. Yes. I had to forget. It's like getting raped. We got raped. I got fucking raped, man. 29 years, I was doing something and the guy came with a fucking a woo hand dick and shoved it up my woo hand little ass.

And now not me, but all my fucking friends are all stuck in an apartment together every goddamn night. And, you know, I don't, I wouldn't send a friend of mine unless your fucking parent dies. You go on a plane right now. That's it. If you call me, you tell me you're going to Disneyland. I'm going to take your phone off out of my phone and taking your number out of my phone.

No, you're right. It is true. And it's just like, I think you're right though. It's like, you can't think about it, but I keep also think like, oh, maybe maybe I was just pretending anyway. It was just all pretend. It wasn't real. No, it was real.

It was fucking real. It's real. When I went to prison, it was real and the sentence I served in fucking comedy. This has been real. Okay. Greyhounds, you know, right? We served. This was a different type of prison.

Comedy is a different type of prison because it lives in your head, guys. Yeah. We live in our heads. I don't need four bars to put me in prison. I could do it on my own. If you want, I'll give you one of these. These will help you. These ABX's don't put you in prison.

Mental. Yeah. So you're a comic. You put ourselves mentally in prison. I'm not good enough. That joke sucks. Yep. I look like shit.

I don't know why I do this. They're better than me. Every fucking time I drive to the car, 29 years. Every time I drive to the comedy store, I'm a loser. Yeah, my mother sucks. I can't believe she died. Yeah. You know, and then you catch yourself by sunset.

You're like, what the fuck am I talking about? Yeah. I'm headed to the world famous bitch to fuck the motherfuckers up. This is mine. The fuck you talking about? I'm going to go steal that. Like fucking, what are you crazy? Believe in the house when I got to go on the road on a wet Thursday.

Oh, little Joey becomes the biggest fag you've ever met. You're like, I lose things. I yell at my wife. I don't know where the earphones are. You know what I'm saying? Did you charge them? Why should I charge them? They yours.

You know, right? And then you get the you. You're like, you get the uber and you're like, OK. Yeah, that's what I do. This is what I do. You get to the airport. You cut to the front of the line, right? Hey, what's going on?

You ever go to America in their lives? They got the really heavy set black chick to let you upstairs. She's beautiful. So I would flirt with a constant. There's my girl. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. And she said, how are you doing, sugar?

And you go, you know, you know, people at the airport. Forget Burbank. I got them on fucking speed, though. I do what I want in Burbank because I'm on the Casio's wife. Nice. His daughter runs Burbank Southwest. So all you got to do is go up there. She gives you like the fucking handicap card.

You get on the plane first. You know what I'm saying? No matter what, you could have C82. And that bitch will go, come here. Take this, take this. And next thing you know, you're walking on the plane with a lift and shit. Yeah.

Fuck it. You got to borrow your nephew's football helmet and walk in there. Yeah. Listen, if you're going to get down, we've got to get down on a Sunday back. You know what I'm saying? We have a fake service dog, and they all know us in San Diego. So they all just smile and let us in.

But yeah, that's just. So what are you going to do now? What are we doing now? What's the name of the podcast? I started a podcast. It's called Big Girls Don't Cry. iTunes. And it's on iTunes.

And and I do it live on YouTube. OK, then put it on Spotify also. It's on Spotify. It's on Spotify too. Thank you. Put it on Spotify. So we just have two episodes in and I sat with my legs, my legs apart because I always spread my legs because I don't sit well.

So I got a lot of complaints the first week from my snatch. But like you said, I'm just going to put advertisements down there for now. Because next week I tied them together because I was so embarrassed. Wash your monkey. There you go. Clean it up. Don't forget the floss. There.

That's right. Lou, that's Lou's job. And then the best thing is you take those on the way you sell them. Brand new. But you also tell them this. I got the like right now you get the stone in two versions, the UConn version and the regular version. Tell them I got a pair of shorts for you like Walker Mylon.

Yeah, I don't say what you want to do with those autographs. Those come autograph. That's an extra 20. There you go. They'll get away for that monkey. I got to get through this somehow, Joey. You just saved us. Lou, you just saved us.

Yeah, this is it. So listen, there's a thousand losses on the computer. That's it. That's it really is. That's you. You're such a personality. You're such a sweetheart that this is a natural for you. You're going to be doing two of these a week.

Lou said, you know, Vicki, it's like, you know, you, you're, you couldn't stay on the road forever. This might be a blessing. I'm like, you know, it could be. I do. And I'm with my friend Amber Rose. My best friend died four years ago, Cindy Burns, and she was producer of Funnies Housewives of Orange County.

Anyway, she was great. Joan Rivers found her right before she died and it was great. And she was wonderful. And but her daughter, Amber, is my co-host. And I love Amber. So it's really special. So it's really fun. Vicki, man, when I saw what was going on with you,

I was very happy because finally the good guys won. You know, like, finally the good guys won. We know who's worked hard and who's put their ass in the line and who's sacrificed. You know, you lived on the trailer park, Vicki. You've sacrificed. I mean, I've been so grateful. But yeah, I mean, people dropped off food sometimes.

And I was so embarrassed. Like, people are dropping off food. They know I would let it slip that a job got canceled. I let it slip with my friend. And then I get home and there's a bunch of bags of food from Trader Joe's outside. And I'm like, fuck, I'm such a fucking loser. I'm the worst mother.

And then I went, on the other hand, somebody loves me so much that they're going to drop off food for us. So I was like, learn that kind of gratitude. That's the great thing about doing what you love, just jumping off that cliff and letting it happen. And so people always go, like, you've struggled, you've sacrificed.

If I had kept my parents' fucking carpet store, like I was supposed to do, and been rich from that shitball life, that would have been suffering. So I feel like I haven't suffered. I've been so happy, poor, but extremely happy. But fucking happy. Fucking happy.

Fuck them. Right? Money don't buy happiness. And people really don't know that until they find happiness and they see that. What was all that fuss about? That's what people are saying about COVID. The lesson that other people learn

is that you will find that you will find happiness other than on what you can fucking buy at the mall and the shit you can order. You can find happiness whole different way. And my daughters were raised on air. And I think, and their peers are lovely and wonderful, but my daughters were grit, you know, because they had to and they were on their own

and they knew it. So I think that also children, like just our world was just becoming so bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. Get, get, get, get, get. Even in my own head. And so, I mean, I was like jumping back down that train and that I had not been on forever. So I'm grateful that that train is not there for me right now.

And I think that's gonna be a lesson for a lot of people. Don't that, that it's not about consuming. It's about loving people, having fun. Right now, yeah. It's listening to a lot of people because thrown out the end of this month. There's gonna be a lot of pain. There's gonna be a lot of confusion.

And this is why I do this podcast. Why so weak? I'm not looking for something from nobody. I got no tickets to sell. You know, there's nothing. I do this because I want people to know we're with them. We're with them. We know what you're going through, man.

And I have empathy for you. I wish I had a hundred million dollar Spotify deal. So I could send all my listeners a fucking stimulus check. I really would because they've been here with us through all these years. The only stimulus I can give them is love for them to pass on.

Not to be angry. There's no debtors prison. Can't put you in jail for being in debt. You can suck my dick. Keep calling me, I'll hang up on you. I don't give a fuck. I'll change numbers. You know, I don't give a fuck.

I've lived off Ronan before. And you know what? It's not bad. It's not bad. So they can't take away your dignity. They can't take away your soul. You know, some girl called me the other day. She goes, I sold my TV, my stereo, my couch.

She's having a hard time. And my reply to her, I've known her for so long. And she's such a decent girl. She doesn't realize that she's beating herself up too much over this. And I said, you haven't sold your soul like most of these people in this town. And you haven't sold your pussy.

Once you do that, that's when you got a problem. But if you didn't sell those two in this fucking town, you're gonna be fine. So and you, you know, and me, whatever. It's true. You have to just understand that the worst case is we end up with a shopping cart. We're still gonna be all right.

We're still gonna be all right. And if you know somebody who needs a bag of rice and you have a bag of rice, you could drop it off at their house. Or like I have an old neighbor in my trailer park and she's French. And I know she's low on money and low on wine. So I buy really cheap bottles of wine for me.

That's all I drink. And I'll give her an extra bottle for $2. And it's like, just like if you know, if you suspect a friend needs some food, I can tell you, well, not that I probably would have been better if I didn't take the free food. I should have gone hungry more. But if you do know somebody who needs a little something,

there's nothing wrong with dropping off a bag of rice or a bag of beans. I mean, especially now, just keep your eyes open. Who might need a little something. It's not like you can give them a bunch of money. We don't have it, but you can give somebody COVID and some bread. Vicky, that was, that's what it is all about

is empathy right now. Yeah. If you go on social media and it's hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, this is empathy, man. Well, this is, you know, somebody told me to, you got to get dice on the show and to prove that your people can't attack you no more for saying what you're saying.

They could keep attacking all they want. I'm going to keep saying what the fuck I'm saying until they throw me under the jail or six feet under. So at this point, you could suck my dick. You know what I'm saying? What days do you release your podcast? On, on, on Thursdays. Thursdays.

So I want you to download, what's the name of it? Big girls don't cry. You will not. I want you to follow her journey. She's going to take you on a fucking great journey because she's taking me on a journey thing. I realized something today. I realized why I quit doing coke and stuck with it.

Marilyn did cut a deal for me. Right on. Thank you, Marilyn. You sweet girl. She did cut a deal for me. I think she's been watching over me really strongly. Oh, me too. I feel it.

I've been in the farm one day. My shiver. Her and Mitzi. Yeah. People have no idea. Yeah. People really have no idea. I love you.

Love you, Joey. Thank you. Congratulations. I love you and thank you for cracking Lee. You showed him Comedy 101 by saying his name wrong. Thank God you were playing the piano. The whole audience would have heard him fracture from me. And thank you guys for doing this show.

I enjoyed it so much. It makes my week so much better. Please. This is what we do here. Real quickly, what's the website, Vicky? No, Vicky Barbalette Comedy. Write it down. Vicky Barbalette Comedy.

Have I ever told you not to watch something? Watch this woman. This woman is amazing. She's my comedy sister. And that's it. We got no dates to promote. Nobody's promoting Dick. Oh, we're promoting his love here.

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Boom. And get 20% off your first daughter, all right? And that's it. And that's that loop. Thank you very much for driving. Vicki Barbalek, you look more beautiful than ever. Lisa, I love you. I hope you enjoy that Cuban sandwich.

And you guys, I'll see you Wednesday morning, ready to tick-tock my goo, motherfuckers. Listen, stay safe. Watch what's going on out there. I saw a fucking guy beat up a hooker at 9 30 in the morning in front of CVS on Lancash in the other morning because she stole his wallet. And I got in my car and I took off.

And people were like, why did you tape it? Because there's a lot of guns going off. So you see something that doesn't look right, guys? Do me a favor, turn around and walk away. Don't take your fucking camera. I don't want you to get shot. Mind your fucking business. You're not Jimmy Olsen, you're not a reporter.

Turn around and walk away, okay? Have a great day today, Monday. I love you, motherfuckers. Stay black. Wait, kick this motherfucking meal.