Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #808 - Kate Quigley

Episode Date: July 29, 2020

Kate Quigley, a stand up comedian seen on MTV and Playboy TV, and host of the "#DateFails" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by:  DraftKings - Download DraftKings Sportsbook now and use code CHURCH to get $1000 sign up bonus.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout on your first order.  

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Couple transfusions Then they gave her like fucking Charlie Sheen blood by mistake and that the cure really fuck it up Beautiful Thank you, man. It looks nice really thank you. I'm happy. I can tell you got a boyfriend. You can I could tell It's cuz I post different. I haven't been posting as much I know it's weird having to think about somebody else, you know, I just yeah, it's weird is also saying I have a boyfriend I've never really admitted it completely. I say like oh, I'm seeing this guy, but yeah, you've been with him now Actually, it's so funny. We like we met

Years ago, but we didn't connect at all. I wasn't really in honestly I thought he was too nice for me like he has a very nice reputation and I thought he'd be too straight edge and But then I don't know we started like DMing a little and It was right before quarantine. We really started talking a lot I actually was kind of pitching a project to him which is hilarious Like I wasn't interested he wasn't flirting and I wasn't flirting We were just talking business and then the project kind of fell through

But then we just kept talking and then I was lonely during quarantine and I think I posted something like Hey, I'm like bummed out tonight somebody cheered me up and he texted me and was like can I come to LA and take you out to dinner And that's how it started and I was like at the beginning of quarantine and then Like quarantine what a fuck did he take you to dinner? Well, he just bought we just post made it But we didn't like hook up that right away or anything like that that's what's weird about this quarantine is that We ended up FaceTiming like every day for hours So you I got to know him better than I've ever gotten to know any guy I've dated

Before I slept with him definitely, but even you know It's like we became friends really and I and yours was different. I knew I liked him because I didn't send him any hot photos I didn't flirt like there was no like sex thing. I wouldn't I was like bashful. It was so weird Like so you played your cards, right? I didn't mean to I just he's such a nice guy that I like Like I was actually worried that when we had sex it would be too nice I even told him that like once we started to really because we kind of knew we'd be together before We even had sex How weird is love? It's so fucking weird. It's so weird. I did a whole podcast on it how

You live your life you hook up with people You think you're not doing something also and you're walking to a laundry mat Some girl looks at you you say hello. Yeah next thing you're going for coffee next thing, you know You're going for dinner. She knows somebody you know, you go to the same acting class Yeah Bam you were like fuck. I've been single for nine months. I haven't gotten laid in 14 months I never had that but yeah If you listen to this podcast, we've all gone on dry streaks. Yeah that you start questioning

What the fuck is wrong with you like? Yeah, I went on one from August of 84 to july of 85. I love that. You know the exact Oh, you know by the day nine months of celibacy nine months of on purpose No, no, like I was just Just getting nose Wow, you know, you gotta suck a thousand dicks to find the prince. That's true. That's true

You know, you gotta get a kiss a thousand frogs. Well, you know, you gotta suck a thousand dicks To find the best dick that suits you. It's so true, man Some of them taste like hummus some of them taste like shoe horns You know, I like the guy but his dick tastes like a shoehorn I haven't had shoehorn dick But I do have to say that that is one thing during the last six months There were a few before this guy I went on a dating streak where I kept dating guys that were like

Progressively worse like you would have been so disappointed in me like they were I thought I was getting better Yeah, last time I saw you would know it would know miss america. No, mr. America. Yeah, you were some guy with a shirt cut off He stunk like onions. I was yeah And you can you brought him up to me and I'm like get this get away from that's hilarious I don't even remember who he had a million Twitter followers. I'm like, I don't give a fuck if he's got Oh that guy that's following in this fucking Lepacy that's what's following that guy is stink. I forgot about that's what I was gonna say. Yeah, I'm like, what the fuck But dudes don't want let me ask you can I ask you a question? I don't want to get dirty with you

But I'll do it When you shower both you guys when you wash your dick and your balls Do you wash under your balls? Absolutely like well all the way under the balls pick them up under the scrub it I pull the skin back on the helmet. I polish out because sometimes you get that goo around the helmet And it sticks to women's mouth If you're fucking non-jewish and you pull your skin back you get that little fucking helmet jizz on the side Sometimes I get a little piece of toilet paper stuck in there or something. I'm on circumcised. So

How are you on circumcised? Listen, don't ask questions So I pull the dick back. I scrub it good. Then I have a special luffa A dick luffa just for my asshole Oh, yeah, you got to I get the special luffa and I cut But I've eaten plenty of assholes to see what an asshole has had road damage I've seen assholes that are not they smell good But they've had road you gotta get in so what I do is I never wanted that you got to get the luffa It's like three-quarters of your finger and you scrub that inside you get all that

Molecule wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What's the luffa that you're using? Is it like shapes like a finger? No, I cut it I designed it myself. I'm thinking of putting it on the market. I didn't even put it on your finger It's like a puppet. It's an asshole. I boil it to get all the asshole germs off and like I turn the water really hot You boil dry and I let it sit You gotta take care of your asshole asshole health is number one I agree. I started buying those ear syringe things to use down there Animals and shit. Yeah, because my gay friend. I thought it was enough to just scrub in there No, not enough. I guess gay guys. They don't fuck around. No, they know if you want info on assholes

You put your gay side aside. He'll tell you everything. That's what I did. You know this morning I farted I perceived it. Oh my god. There was a guy behind me and he was starting to shake even with the I would have blown dr. Fauci right off the fucking chair. He would have quit He would have said in all my scientific life. There's probably I've never smelled anything like this This smells worse than who had it seems like you ate the bat that killed the woolen bat Yeah, I have to say I read that you tweeted about it. And when I read it, I was like, I can't wait to run back to the car Because it was chase I had to run away from the fart and then when I got in the car I was trying to get into the car and I put my mask on that disappeared. You can see like a little cold

There was some Mexican lady like looking around like something happened Oh my god, that's how I know that you love me because I've only heard you fart once Do you know that once in this room one time in our whole friendship? You've never farted. There's some people you don't want to fart around because you might lose them Everybody farts around Hell's has ever farted around me. Yes, you just bring it out of me. I look at you and I feel like fart I'm terrified of farting in front of people. I really yes, especially Any guy like really even if I don't like him even if I'm not like I'm just afraid that they'll never want to fuck me ever

Again Eventually, it's funny. Once you fart in front of a man. It's all low. That means I That means I fucked in the ass. I came on your eyeballs That means I met your mother your father your grandfather Your retarded sister the one that's missing a leg. She lost a little vietnam You know, what's that all once you got everybody under control A woman will fucking cut a fart one night during some fuck It's not our fault because once you've been in the butthole you stretch it out. It's just air passing. We're not used to

I don't do ain't all Unless I'm in love love love like ever. So I'm not used to having a stretched out butthole 2,500 What does that mean 2,500 for the asshole? No I don't know that worth it. I got a guy sharing my notes. He's looking for assholes 25 grand I would think about it For an asshole one pop you go home. He gives you a little swab of this movie It's not worth it. It's like giving blood at the american red cross not even close

No, it's not. They give you a little badge. It's not even close Do you cook you after too? They give you if you faint some orange juice and a snickerdoodle If you faint they fucking you know, whatever I don't think man. I don't know. I that really scares me anal freaks me out because of the whole You know, but as a man, let me tell you what the problem is with anal. Tell me, please To me to me I'm gonna tell you how it works for me. Just so you know You know as I was you you didn't learn sex education in school

You learned sex education from gorillas when I was growing up Yeah, those guys that are older than me were gorillas and they're like, wait, do you fuck them in the ass? That's the whole thing and I'm like really So, I don't know it took me years to finally like ask somebody I'm not gonna tell you who you don't know who was anyway I gotta tell you something for it was like smoking crack It was so good. No, it's okay But it's just too much work

Unless you get fucked in the ass on a regular It's too much work I got a little bit and then put it in and then you're holding my thighs with your hands Just a little bit a little. Oh, no, no, no stop right there. Yeah, stop right there. I might shit I might shit once they tell you you have to shit and you have to start pounding their ass And playing with that little monkey You get that clit and you work it like a little fucking like uh, like a like a squeegee boy They just keep that monkey and you keep pounding the ass and the woman's actually suffering

Not always suffering, but she's making weird noises that she wouldn't fuck You're either really suffering or it feels awesome, but it's hard to tell the difference from the south If you got two fingers in your pussy and I'm working and I'm pulling your hair. I'm creating diversions It's like I'm throwing a bomb over there. That's the key. That is the key when you fuck somebody in the ass You gotta if you just fuck them in the ass. No, like you like it, baby. Oh, yeah, I love it I grew up all it was in my high school yearbook I can't wait to get fucked in the ass. Nobody likes getting fucked in the ass. It's true No, you like it. But here's the problem

If a girl lets you fuck her in the ass without lube and tells you it feels good She's lying Like it does not feel good if a guy puts even like two or three fingers in there without lube It doesn't feel you have to lube it. You have to I didn't know this. I she lubed it Yeah, put it in it was drama And then you come and the cum comes out like chocolate milk Like it's like like you who like light chocolate milk because it mixed up with some ass that was in there And at the end of the night, I goes was this all worth it

Like she came on. There was no eye contact for an hour You know, was it really worked fucking so many ass So I never really did it unless a woman said Stick it in there fucking big boy Interesting then you give them a stab in the ass and again, it wasn't My main thing I'd rather lick your ass and finger you and play with you and then pop it into your pussy And then I'm gonna mop the nut

Pull it out slap it into your mouth. You could taste that pussy Yeah, shoot that hot jizz in your mouth. That's a party women love that And they'll suck it dry and then they'll start all over again So that cock is back of the tension you flip them over and you take boogie woogie the town No, but you're totally right honestly the problem is the ass is limiting Because once it's in there, you can't put it anywhere else safely. Oh, no I love you to death you my girl. I put it in your ass. I'm popping it after I come put it in your mouth You're you're tasting what I'm tasting. You can't do that. Who said wait, how are you tasting?

How are you tasting your tongue isn't in as deep as your dick, right? You're not tasting what's on the end of your dick. Not me. You not me. You're the one that wanted in the ass You're tasting what I'm tasting. No, no, no, no, no. I tasted your asshole. I licked it from behind Yeah, but you tasted the edge now I jizzed in there and now I'm popping it out. It's halfway at attention No, and you got to pop it in your mouth. I respect like a chocolate bar. I mean, I'm scared And that's how you get COVID. No, you don't. No, you don't but that's that's how you avoid listen That's how you avoid COVID. I can have Chinese I can have 20 chinese people cough on me I can eat an asshole. No COVID it disintegrates and breaks down the barrier

It goes into your throat and it just bubbles like out of yourself It's like putting fucking asshole juice. It's like putting emergency. What's that stuff you put on peroxide I mean bubbles it just bubbles out of your ass. You see You wipe it and there's the COVID. That's it. Nobody knows not so gross But I don't know it just all free but stuff just freaks me out. I haven't banged somebody in the ass in 30 years So it's it's been since about the 90s when I lived in Boulder That was the last time I have the 90s. Yeah, I lived in Boulder. Holy That's when I you know, that's when I was doing coke to the level where women tell you like the exorcist

Put it in my ass And you know, you're like really I need this and then I heard and then I had a friend of mine I didn't tell them about my experiences, but he was telling me that he fucked the girl and he asked me to shit on his bed It happened couldn't stop shit. Oh, I've never had that. That's when listen. That's when I that's when I stab you I put the blanket around you I take that shit and I put it on your fingerprints so I can't identify you And I drop you off over one off the 170 up there. Oh, you can't shit on my bed. That's disrespect

Even Jesus will kill you That's true. I think Jesus will forgive you. You can't shit on a man's bed. I heard that this chick took a tremendous shit Really? As soon as he took he tell you was banging something and his dick was getting smaller And finally it just she's just saw something brown It was getting smaller. Oh shit. He's like, what's going on? And she's like, oh my god That dick made my ass want to shit. I don't know. So wait, wait

So why is it better to be on your dick than on your bed? I'd rather have it on my bed than on my dick No way. What are you talking about? You can rinse your dick. You want somebody to drop a turd on your bed? No, but I don't want it to be on my body But your body you can wash easily your bed. I can throw away that sheet or throw burn that bed into the ground My dick is always gonna be my dick. You're gonna that night change all the sheets after you fuck girl You haven't even have you even eaten the nasty yet? No, well kind of kind of I did look at ass at with George Oh, that's right. It's your club. I forgot. He sucked the cork, which isn't the same That's what I'm saying. It's better. You don't get the whole flavor

Yeah, you got to put it in your mouth and chew it like a gum breaker She had her butt plug in on stage. I looked that's it. You didn't even so you didn't eat last you looked around in the But yeah, I there was it was an area I I still don't I'm so disappointed that we've gone through a whole quarantine and you haven't eaten one ass Believe this. No, I can honestly. I'm not he didn't gain weight. He's just backed up with sperm He's backed up with sperm. He gained 60 pounds of sperm. Lee. What the fuck? Have you fucked during course? No, no, no, and I beg him every day call this one call that one call new shade You got to call three a day and eventually I don't trust it. You don't trust it. Don't you trust?

Okay, what's gonna happen to you get COVID? You're gonna go down for four days. You'll be all right I don't know. I mean his health isn't like He takes a hit of a joint imagine him on FaceTime. I'm telling you, I'll be all right I'll be back in three days They got him an event later and another line coming in from in and out burger I mean just little shakes and stuff. Honestly, this is the easiest time to get laid the history of man I've been begging them to pull the trigger. First of all, you told me you'd kill me if I got COVID That's an expression

I'm not gonna kill you. I'm posing at the hospital And no pull of this code, but I'll shoot this chemical I got that new toe If you get COVID call me because I just want to get it over with Wouldn't that be great to just have it and then you not you can get it again. Are you sure? Yes? How do they know because people have gotten it twice. They have yeah people have gotten it twice I know that you don't want to talk to those people ever again If you know somebody got COVID twice You take that motherfucker out of your phone

and you put COVID block on it With two syringes and when he calls the call goes directly to the COVID Institute. I haven't even opened tender. I haven't done shit Are you sure this is true that people have gotten COVID twice? Are you sure? There's people saying it. I feel like I don't know what's true and what's not because there's so it's like only been around for Not even a year Right and like there's so many stories and every news outlet reports something different And I don't know what's political and what's real like I'm not I'm not questioning it. I have no fucking idea All I know is this Kate all I know is if somebody was to have it. Yeah, you should have got it

I should have it. You've been to Vegas. I should have it Nashville. Yep. Phoenix. Minneapolis Minneapolis totally you went around so I don't know how you protected yourself. I agree the alcohol has a health issue the alcohol I think that door a little bit once you said phoenix now you got to open a little bit more I really I think it's the air. I think if you're in open air spaces, you're okay But she wasn't an open-air space She was inside of phoenix. I mean she was inside of miniat. That's a wall of america I might have had it though like

That's what I can't figure out because okay. Here's what I don't get like Do you remember around like february right before this? A lot of comics were sick like I had to cancel a show I remember monarch canceled a show we had tons of people call in fact the last night I was at the comedy store that you were there somebody canceled because dean del re went up So he came in and went up so like I kind of wondered if because how did we not all catch it? We all share microphones I mean it started months before in china. So yeah, some people you can get a test to see if you have the antibodies

I know but it's 50% they say so you don't even know I took the blood test and they said that The blood test is good, but you got swabbed the mouth and the nose because they're respiratory symptoms Yeah, I did the nose when it wasn't that bad. It was annoying, but yeah I wanted my thing is just like It's so weird traveling because I wouldn't do it Literally, but here's what's weird is like we live in california. I go to phoenix I drove because they asked me to they were like don't fly because of covet So I drove the whole way across california. You can't pee

There's no public restrooms in california at gas stations truck stops anywhere denny's you can get food You can't pee so I had to keep peeing in parking lots car washes wherever I could find Then you get to phoenix and like every bar is packed the pools are it's like It doesn't make sense because everything's different or even airport to airport Some airports are hand dryers summer paper towels like I don't understand what how are the airports looking today? I mean that my last two flights were half full Maybe a little less than half like uh most people didn't have a whole row But they had like a seat between masks

You gotta wear one to get on You don't have to keep it on but most people do but then they still serve water and chips No real food or drinks no alcohol Really? Yeah, that's what's so bizarre is like You can take your mask off to drink water, but not alcohol. So like in some ways, okay, this I'm not like this is like Not to be a conspiracy theorist I kind of feel like all the billionaires

Are going to come out way on top because you go to any restaurant anywhere in the country right now And they give you a QR code to scan for a menu and they say it's so you don't have to touch it But then you can order online So it's like they're going to cut servers and then they're not serving anything on the planes because covid But they'll give you water and chips like what's the fucking difference between a drink and a cup of water? it's like Feels like they're trying to get rid of employees Like if that's how I feel I really feel like the people at the top like the top

Not even one percent like half of one percent will be even richer and everybody else will be unemployed I have a buddy who does it's called distressed restructuring That's what he calls it and he said like 75 percent of the small businesses aren't going to reopen like don't let it at the beginning and all the Everything everything that's staying open are the main the big change everything else is closed all the small things Yeah, and I mean I'm not like don't get me wrong like I my mom has lupus and My whole family is like autoimmune pretty much so I can't go home My mom would die if she got it

But like so I know it's a real thing, but it's just it it doesn't make any sense how it's like different from state It just makes no sense. It's political on both sides like in massachusetts I because I I call my mom if I go back to massachusetts I have to get a hotel room for two weeks right other and if I don't they charge me 500 bucks a day But what if the hotel fucking made has it and she just well, yeah, they don't come in they don't come in the room There's no housekeeping. There's no room service. There's room service in some states. That's what's weird And there's no more coffee stands I know lobbies you're right and that destroys me

Except some the last place I was I was in uh, nashville. They had it behind the counter So like you could ask the desk clerk for a coffee, but you can't get it's just It's just weird like you know what's funny every airport has different standards But you know the one thing that's universal you can use a water fountain At every airport, which to me it seems like the dirtiest Thing I don't even use what do you use water fountains at the airport? That's so gross You bring your own water. Yeah, but there's people in line to use the water fountain still so it's like I mean it's transferred through liquid. I don't know

All I know is you can't catch it from sex No, let me ask you this. I know you have a boyfriend now I was I was genuinely wondering this if you want to know if you went on an app Would you like to be like listen, we're fucking but we're not kissing like that. No I don't know if I'd kiss somebody right now I would fuck them, but I don't think I'd kiss them. Well before the boyfriend I dated a little when this first because we got shut down what March 13th or 12th or something like me and him weren't together together for a little while

I'd kiss him if we were dating but like if I met someone at a bar, I wouldn't kiss him that night I don't think well, I wouldn't meet anyone at a bar because there's no bar, but although There's restaurants. I guess you're right. I went out with a guy I did a lot of covet dating which is like someone sends you food And you FaceTime while you eat it. Oh, it was awesome It was awesome. One guy sent me boa a steak Your face is hilarious. See this is what would have happened to me if I tried to date just buying a girl a steak Thank you. I mean Kate. I knew you were down. Everybody was down. I know

Fears were up tensions were up. I was so depressed Joey and we all found different ways to cope with them You know, I have a wife. I got a family I thought about all the single people. I was maybe as horrible at nine o'clock at night. My mind would go into hell and I would Think about Dean and Lee and Steve Simone And you and fucking You know people who live by themselves all day It was rough because yeah in the daytime you could take a ride to the post office

You could stop by the corner and yell at somebody That's what I do. You know seven o'clock is when the comic comes to life. That's what it was Once you do comedy for five or six years at six o'clock if you're a comic Wake up while you're eating dinner something happens to you people start talking to you and you don't hear their words Because you're thinking about your 8 30 spot and your 10 30 spot then you find your quiet place And like like nothing bothers me more When I go into the bedroom before a set

Like when I tell my wife I gotta go to comedy stores. She's like, oh, okay And I go into I lay out my clothes. I put my socks on out. Yeah, I lay my underwear on my shirt Once I jump in that shower that whole process is getting me ready. Yeah Okay, once I go on a shower Dog if you come in there with a piece of pussy, I wouldn't get a hard on Because I am thinking I know what you mean about comedy And how I'm gonna do tonight and how I'm gonna try this joke first at the end. You're excited Yeah, you get such excitement

This time my wife were coming and go before you leave don't forget and I'm like what like I don't even hear you Yeah, because I am so deep in my thoughts Like give a come on a shower and forget to brush your teeth because you were so deep in your thoughts Not exactly, but I know you forgot to scrub your ears. Yeah, we got to Wash your hair twice or three times. Yeah, like I do that all the time. Like god damn it I didn't lose for my asshole, you know, I gotta go back in there now Because I was thinking about another sponge. I'm thinking about what I'm doing Yeah, I'm thinking about the drive to the store

the improv The the theater in Chicago, you know once six o'clock comes when you're a comic I don't understand if people know what happens to you, but it's like if you guys Your job, they don't know it's like having a job. No, we're no special anybody else I know if you're not if you're a plumber and in the morning, you're like, I have a new construction job today I'm fucking excited. Quit your job. If you're an electrician and you're like, man I'm gonna do some saddles today at work something different Quit your job if you wake up in the morning, you're like, man

I can't wait to put that partition up and put that You mean if you don't feel that way But I think there's a difference between being excited and like not saying you're nervous, but like It's like to me. It's like going to a big meeting. Like that's what it would be similar to you're preparing mentally. Yeah It's like going through the motions. It's kind of like But I do for everything like you do for everything like yeah, okay when you go to the AT&T store for me, it's sprint when I go to the sprint store I look at those people and I go first off. I give them always give them 10 stars

Because they put up with shit. You've never even heard Okay, I'm sat there a thousand little times not now now my phone looks like got run over by a truck Because I'm on the covid fucking plan. You don't want to go in there It's true because you know, there's covid in there like a motherfucker. That's why I wanted a hat tonight seven inches of roots I'm like, when can I get this done? so You know, you want to go in there and do the phone you ever go into that place and somebody really really takes care Yeah, like, you know, I don't have my pen and she's like hold on

Boom boom and all of a sudden she starts hitting numbers And she's like what phone do you want this all of a sudden she goes this one I'm gonna do a save you $14 on this just get this package and you feel like Amazed amazed like somebody's doing their fucking job. Yeah that person goes to work every day to help people now No disrespect to nobody that cunt that came on tv and some crying the nurse He said I didn't sign up for this. Listen. I'm sorry You took a nose. Yeah, you did when I when I sit here with you and I go, I think I want to become a nurse And then I get down and somebody goes all right your first job is to clean assholes

You never even thought about that as a nurse. No, but if you want to get the section a You got to go to mr. McGillicuddy who's built like me Pull him to the side You smell my thoughts pick up my leg put a bucket under there Talk to me. Well, I shit and then wipe my fucking ass takes a certain type of individual. Oh, yeah We have a gay friend Eric He was working at a old folks home During this there was nights. I talked to him that he was just getting home at midnight. He was supposed to get off at 7

Oh, yeah, and he wasn't flying around sucking dicks. He told me in his heart that he He was putting he was making sure those patients were Taking care of correctly. You know the guy from boston this week some doctor of Uh, kovat died a 40-something year old died. They're putting their life on the line. My step sister She works at a nursing home. Well senior care facility and like she works her day And then at the end she hangs out with the kovat patients that are like critical because they have no one they're alone She can put on a hazmat suit and hang out with them. No one. Yeah, they look at they got the new face time, man

COVID face time. Is that true? Yeah, like if you got covid you're fucking shut up. You're not serious And all your That's how you that's how you watch people die now and they sing songs on They sing songs Bye All right, there's a frame. There's a border. There's always that one nephew uncle. Joe. Am I gonna get the piano? Am I gonna get the piano? He's on the ventilator Oh my god, I haven't fucking even paid for it yet. You're taking me the fucking piano

It is crazy. The whole thing is fucking weird. I can't even talk about it because it's become like It's become the new like democrat republican like you can't talk about it Okay, listen, we gotta remove the politics from it for starters. We should because this is a human being thing So I for my world as soon as people start talking about politics, you lose me Yeah, because people are dying. There's no politics involved here. This is bullshit. This is people I don't know what's going on Politics of people trying to save people and making a situation better. It's so frustrating right now Politics is at a level that it's scum

It's scum. What's going on right now? So Aside from that, let's not get caught up in that Let's get caught up in what's in front of us Which is people are dying people are getting exposed some people want to wear a mask some people don't want to wear a mask and You worry about yourself All you could do is yourself people are furious at me Why saying that

Black and white have attacked me again after I said it You know, I hate no, I don't hate it. It was a punchline for me for years Anybody who heard me say it say knows that I do it for a laugh But anybody who knows my voice and listens to me and knows my soul knows that I have Black influences I've been very very black influences. There's people who have said to me man I listened to the podcast and until I saw your picture

I thought you were black and people are mad at me because I say that we shouldn't use the word No more Black or white? Yeah, yeah, I agree a black person says it It gives a power to a white person If you know right now you have a dated guy And every time you've been with him for two years, he's a sweetheart. Yeah, he's got a good dick I've never had that. He's got a good family for two years. He's got a job. Yeah, but every day

Every day It's a dilemma every day A flat He left his phone at the house He ran over his phone. Yeah, I agree glasses I agree, you know, and you you tolerated for a while Until one day. I don't know what the point is of this story. What the fuck? No, I know what you're saying

You're like the n word is like that So if it causes so much problem, just get rid of it if it causes so much fucking problem If you say it it causes problem if you say it I feel uneasy If she said then just I'm not saying ban the word I'm saying why I was saying and I was saying it to myself What I could do What can you do right now to help the situation? You can help your friends as much as you can

There's people that aren't eaten. There's people that are struggling Yeah, if you don't have money and you know, somebody's having a bad day call Yes, check up on check it. What's up crack a joke Crack a dirty fucking absurd joke make them giggle go. What are you doing right now? Go up to watching tv. Put your mask on meet me in front of the house in five minutes. I got two joints Yeah, you know, I can't tell you how much it's making people's day. That's it. That's it I went totally and we went down it was his birthday last monday. I didn't want to leave Malone's I took up the ride sick was with me

And I felt terrible. I should have got his dick sucked I should have got him a tranny something. You know what I'm saying? He's scared. He's on my list. He's afraid. No, I mean I trust me. I want to take a blow job Yes, I'm not offering the issue with the issue with the people he was saying is one person Doesn't live in the state anymore and the other person is someone who He doesn't matter you ever hook up with a crazy person. I just don't yeah, have I ever hooked up with a crazy? I am look at her. Are you kidding me? Look at it. When you look up crazy. It's uh And telling her boyfriend smile. All right

It's her and telling her boyfriend's like yeah pretty much it's at the point where like I told him I said I'd rather not get a blow job than call that person. That's insane. I know yeah Well, I've had guys turn me down for being crazy, but I'm not crazy anymore. I'm healed Look back to what you're saying. Wait, but I actually I want to say something about what you're saying because Uh, because my best friend growing up was black My boyfriend now is black and like I have my best friend growing up. She was miss ohio. She's gorgeous black girl. She's married to a white guy They have a son. The son is super light skin. He's almost like border albino like he's so light

They had to teach him not to say the n word because he looks white His blonde hair if he says it in the wrong crowd He could get his ass kicked But also I have never heard her say it my whole life and I've known her since I was 12 Like she doesn't like the word for the reason you're saying and my boyfriend He doesn't really say it either unless he's like rapping to a song on the radio or something But like he doesn't say it at all And not there's I mean obviously like if you're black it's up to you

Obviously like my friend Jackson says it like some guys say it but I do agree that it can create Like once I felt entrapped into saying it. I was dating a black guy Actually, this hilarious. I was dating a black guy. I never heard him say it when we were dating for like I don't know three or four months. He never said it once then when we were breaking up Uh, he said you're the one who told n words who blah blah blah and I was like, I don't know any n words I texted it and I texted it in quotes and I wrote a z Because you know, you can't say you are and that's not what he said

But my point was I was trying to say I don't know any because I don't use that word Like I hate that word But he was like, I can't believe you wrote that I can't believe you like he was so mad I was like, I was entrapped like I've never said it but like you and and it was like a huge fight so I just think I mean White people should never say it But yeah, what's the reason? It does give the word power

It drives me crazy. I'm I love biggie. I love the ten crack commandments And all that stuff I listen to that stuff and he's dropping it and I'm like I'm singing along Yeah, I guess you can't do that. I've been told you can't do that warning is one of my favorite songs I'm singing along and I'm catching myself saying it but It's not in that context. So You know, I'm all fucked up over it people got pissed at me Anybody who knows me knows what my heart is. So

Fuck it. You know what I still got an afro pick If I move to a fucking if I move to a humidity area, wait till you see my hair this gel Descending rates in humidity. I like that my Jew comes back my black Jew. Please tell me you have an afro pick Please grow your Jew back. I've always saved an afro pick for real. Yeah It was such a part of my life I saved it. I saved it. I saved you stick it in and leave it there. You gotta grow it back when I was a kid Oh my god, and I would go to Harlem. I would stick it in there. I'll put it in my back pocket Why not when you put it in your back pocket. You can still see the black hand

Coming out or I get like there's a hand on it. Yeah black power. I never saw the hand on one It's a it's a afro pick. Yeah with black power. I never saw that. Oh, that's cool I grew up in the Harlem 68 69 and that was the idea. I'm black and I'm proud black power So for you to go into Harlem, you had to be a white dude with an afro pick Hilarious that black power or the the black colors to the black green and uh What were the black colors? Green yellow. I didn't know that. Yeah. Yeah back then. Yeah. African flag or something. Oh, yeah Yeah, oh, yeah black green and yellow or red or something something so when I was a kid

It was completely different. Yeah when you went to Harlem, but when you went to Harlem, you also It was like going to a museum It was back in the day you got to learn it was different You really got to see that was my thing on it like I went to Harlem was treated like a gentleman I know kids who went to Harlem and got beat up Really, but it was your body language How you walked in Harlem if you walked into Harlem by the time you get to fifth sixth avenue down there If you got attitude by like fourth to have you gonna get lit up and then you stumble into fucking spanish Harlem

And then you stumble into italian part of Harlem because all those Harlem's that's where fat Tony Salerno's Gangsta fucking thing was he was like 123. I'm not you know, what whatever social club the italian guy Yeah, he's a gangsta but around the corner were all the black Numbers yeah, and Puerto Rican and Cuban. It's like prison policy banks No, it's not like prison. So At the end of the day, everybody had a paid fat Tony to do Working that area so but beside that I mean

I had a history lesson like I could tell you thousands of stories that I learned and Where I learned my Appreciation for african-americans. Yeah was walking on that street and this was different then Tensions weren't high because everybody knew where they stood You know what k three years ago you didn't like me And three years ago. I didn't like you. Let's keep it that way

Well, we're not gonna war. We're not gonna say hello goodbye to each other. Yeah, but we're just gonna keep it that way And that's what it felt like We kept ourselves You keep to yourself And everybody gets their feelings hurt. You're right. It's changed It's changed. There's more tension A lot of tension and you know people say to me why don't show me you should go on the road I'd love to go on the road and I would wear a mask and I would drive and I would do a thousand things

It's not that that I'm scared of I'm scared of the tension in the air. Yeah I'm scared of Lee going up and somebody going shut up. You fucking Jew You know because that's what's going on. You were Felipe posted today. What there was at the hard rock hotel casino There was like eight people fighting where just in the casino where vegas. Yeah I honestly think people are because of the money thing and I honestly think a lot of people aren't Get feeling a lot of love right now. No, I I mean I'm stressed in the air I've lived in my neighborhood for four years

My neighborhood is so diverse. Have you been to my house? I can't remember no It's like literally my building is mostly asian the next one's african I mean african african not just black the next one's middle eastern the liquor store is black dudes It's really diverse not a lot of white people you go a few blocks up There's white people but like I never had any issues Because I you know me I smile at everyone I say hi to everybody I say I do it'd be like a homeless guy peeing I'm like, what's up bro? Like I don't care but like Now

I've had some people start to be mean to me For no reason And they're never white people so it makes me feel like there's more racial tension Like I've had people like get the fuck out of our neighborhood and It's it's making me move Black guys not No, I've never had asian no my building is asian But there's a lot of like black guys mexican guys middle eastern guys

Like I had some black like high school age kids follow me one night like follow me two blocks Be like what's up, bitch get out of our fucking neighbor like and i'm not saying obviously like not all black But it's definitely never happened before this so I feel like White people like the people who are racist now are more vocally racist and the people who are Pissed about that are more vocal too and there's a lot of people in the middle like who aren't racist like us But like you're like well, but I look like this So you're the enemy to some people, you know It's a weird time, man

Like I posted okay during quarantine right when uh All the riots started the protests, right? You know everybody was posting about the protests and I did for a couple weeks And then I was like, okay It's time to somebody has all that was being posted was protest stuff And I was like I just want there to be a break in it So I posted one day a selfie But I was outside in my apartment building and there was a construction guy who always comes out when I take selfies

Like the building manager the maintenance guy He always comes out anytime he sees me taking the selfie like comes and stands around watches So I posted it and I just put a funny caption And it everybody was like thanks for posting something different, but one black girl got really mad at me She was like this is insensitive We're mourning the loss of our people to police brutality and I was like I get it, but There has to be something else social media Has really taken a war a turn

for the worst Oh total over we used to reconnect with friends And to be a platform for us to giggle and just say things for one another out You are looking at a different world I agree people are not appreciative no more Um people get mad if you're fine. I was posting The movie of the day for a while. Oh, yeah, I like that. I was getting tortured Really? Yeah, this movie sucks. No not like that. Okay, you know, you got to do this and you have to do this movie

What about the sound of me? I guess, you know, it was It was just everything you did that you thought was to help people Was you would get 50 complaints And then I tweeted one thing and I got tortured. I tweeted something else. That was just about the You know, I'm here with a gun waiting for the looters to kick in Do you call paranoid fuck? It's people like you that are ruining this country. Oh for protecting my seven-year-old with a gun When there's a riot going on at the Sherman Oaks Galleria, you know, yeah, it's it's it's it's just so

I I started a patreon. I saw that a dollar. So what is it? What do you put on it? You know what I put on it, man? I give you a warning wake up video I say shit you know, they have little things that you could do like options like your voice Yeah, and you could just do a 10-minute podcast if you want on the day, you know, it's how long you want. Yeah, you could uh I I take songs and I tell them what they mean to me how I connected with those songs the lyrics I put pictures of my friends up. Oh, I wanted to give them. I wanted to give them something different than a podcast

I want to give them What I saw behind the scenes personal. Yeah, and as I learn more options I'll do more. You know, yeah, like I got okay every week. I tell you the blunder of the week The what the blunder your blunder? Yeah, I got oh, are you how you fuck up? Yeah, I got I fuck up every week Me too. So I get this weed It is stronger than death. Oh god. I only smoke in the morning Fucking whittaker's on

I miss gustison. I watch a blinkin against George Washington You know, no gara. What's he talking about? No, gara against your gun. I thought I watched whittaker and whatever All right, and I went inside I did a bong out of this weed This guy dropped it off. He called me. He was like, I gotta give you some of this till I grew It's like fucking It's like and he only gave me like two joints three joints He goes, this is all I got for you now But before you leave I'm gonna give you a pound of this

He goes, this is gonna be the strongest strain I've ever put together and it's right in your name, but it's just it's an indica So I put it in front of the heater during the fight I went out there and I rolled a joint Uh-oh, I took the camera from fucking I went on patreon Got the camera, you know pushed a button that makes the flip. Okay, and I started doing my thing. What's up cocksuckers? Sitting here bored on the Saturday night when the joint's down to a roach. I realized I didn't turn the video on

This is the shit I do So now I gotta roll another joint because I can't let them down So I rolled another joint. I am fucking gone. I got three edibles in me I am fucking gone and now I gotta burn this other joint Not really this time. Well, I gotta do it. You commit And I did that I did the video fucking to work this time But it wouldn't down upload Patrons, that's the thing. You gotta do it on your computer. It's hard from your phone

No, no, no, I did on the computer. Oh, I did on my ipad Oh, I did on my ipad. So yeah, I did I smoked a whole joint I did the best video I ever did to find out It wasn't even turned on Well, I did that with my last podcast. That's how stupid I am I don't know if you know that notice but like every six minutes, especially when I'm high I do this I'm only turning around just to make sure it's recording because I was it. Yeah, it's recording I've only done that once and luckily it wasn't on this podcast

But it's that happens, but especially when you're high, but you know what I think it is, dude Have you gotten a lot of hate on your patreon? No I've noticed a lot of the hate I've gotten recently. I go to their page and they're not even following me Oh, yeah, of course So I I think what it is is if if you can build your own thing The people who actually like you aren't the ones hating you Like there's people who just go around to hate and they're not the puns ever follow

I want to pay a dollar to hate me. Oh, yeah, then please do. That's what I say That's why I did a dollar It's only for haters I would charge 20. That's hilarious to hate and you post the hate videos. Whatever you want. I'll post all the video All your racist stuff towards Spanish people Bring it on get it out. I know you're living in a partner with 20 cockroaches. You know, I would love that Let's do a hate tree on a hatred. Yeah I would have people fucking send hate, you know, just

Let it out if that's what it means for you to be a better person Yeah, man, let it out. You know what this sounds cheesy to say, but that's the reason I think I connect with the guy that I'm seeing because I feel like I connect with anybody in this business who gets kind of like Made fun of or like shit on a little extra I connect with them I really do like everybody I love in the business has a struggle Or has like that was weird. There's a ghost in here has a struggle or has like You just turn it on the side. Whatever. It's fine. Has something going on

I don't have COVID I'm positive but uh Yeah, because I feel like that it's like if you're different at all you think outside the box People hate but they help you Because it like really real talk they boost your algorithm with their comments Like every mean comment is one more person who sees your post because it boosts your post So in the end they're helping you make money It's uh, it's really crazy. I I thought You know what I used to feed into it now. I have I have

I have to have 20% on my facebook that definitely haven't met the health Oh for sure I get some emails on facebook that are Very scary and then they come back and go. Sorry about all that. I went off my medication me too Are you serious? I had a stalker do that. I had a stalker. Sorry about that. I was on a bender Holy, sorry about that. I was really drunk when I wrote this last night. I get that all the time I won't answer him back because I know there's a reason Nobody just like there's no reason for me to open up an email

On facebook messenger of facebook and I have pure hate. I don't even answer it I'll give him a thumbs up then two days later. They'll roll back and go. Hey, man I went off my medication. I don't really feel that way I just wanted to attack you because you didn't play You shook me all night long To some shit, you know, it's really weird or the other way I'll get like three. Kate. You're the best. Kate. You're so funny Kate, I love you on the church. Go suck a fucking dick. You like the next one is so mean

I know I saw something with you on facebook About two months ago where somebody went after you and I had and I went to his public message And I go, hey man Get it together I love you. If you don't like something, you know, I'm from the school. We don't like to turn it up I don't like saying that live. I've never had lighted That doesn't mean I'm gonna get on a yell page and write a paragraph Me neither. I'm not gonna make somebody feel bad

If I don't like their product unless they ask me to try to force it down my throat No, I don't want to be a Scientologist Do you know what I'm saying? No, I don't want to do it No, I don't give a fuck if Joan I don't give a fuck about Martian meat. I don't give a fuck about Martian meat. Yeah, that's a new thing. There is that real Yeah, Martian they just captured them. What do you think they did with the meat that meat that tastes funny? Listen to me now it's marching me. Look at me. Look at me going. Oh my god. I think I had some. Yes, you did I'm sure I do love how no one's talking about that, by the way

I know that they admitted that there were aliens and everyone just so We'll get to this later like dude. They admitted that we have a UFOs You know what and guess what nobody cares about UFOs now. We've known about 50 fucking years We've told you we've seen them You denied them. You've played games with us You know, like I told Florentine here one time The highest the highest place to see Was where I took you that hotel in Edgewater

And we stayed at Jersey wait the weekend you went back to New York That's the number one place to see uh satellites in the country Is the new york skyline satellites or UFOs? UFOs. I wonder if they go to new york They fly they fly people see shit all through those buildings. Dude. I probably fucked the alien new york You don't know what they look like they could have people skin on there's a lot of fucking weirdos in new york I feel like some of them were on our table at that chinese joint What are you fucking alien? I hope I fucked the alien Do you know how offended I would be if aliens were here and I haven't fucked one?

Like none of them. I haven't been abducted yet. What the fuck? I'm a specimen I want to know if any guy has taken you serious about the boyfriend because I haven't announced it till this really when I was rocking and rolling Like if I came up to you and said kid, I got an eight ball. You coming back to the hotel me you'd say Yeah on the way there you'd say hold on. Let me call my boyfriend And I tell you put the phone down forget the boyfriend's done tonight. He's fine I just filed the fucking motion. I don't know not to buy until six in the morning. You know, man Like I know has anybody called you and tried to hook up of course and you said lots of people

Yeah, I just it's the easiest thing. I really did. Yeah. In fact, this is funny. This is actually how we became a couple He won't care if I tell us right at the beginning of this like we were talking a lot We were really like talking every night and then there was one night He was out. I was out. We both we hadn't talked in a few hours which sounds crazy But like we've been texting every like couple hours, right? We hadn't talked and a guy hit me up Who I've gone out with before but not hooked up with And I like had a crush on this guy like I would have gone out with him again So he hit me up and said hey

If you're in the neighborhood, I'm having a party at my spot. I got a bunch of people coming over. We're getting some molly It's gonna be a good time. You should come through and I was like man, I'd love to But I knew this dude was gonna FaceTime me or call me or something and I didn't want to lie So I just told the other guy I was like I started seeing this guy and I really I think it's kind of serious for his not But like I I feel weird about doing it And he was like, oh you're in love and I was like, I don't know what it is

But I just I think we should like wait a week or two and see what happens and then I go home that night and he FaceTimes me And he tells me a story about how he went to a dinner that night And he was like a solo guy at a couple's dinner and his friend had brought a girl for him And he didn't know what was gonna happen and she wanted to go home with them And he was like, uh I'm kind of talking to this girl. I really so that's how we ended up not seeing other people was because we ended up both turning down sex

Like It's like crazy for you tell your grandkids one day. Yeah, so it was like just by accident But honestly, I've avoided situations where I'd be tempted Like there's been a night or two. We've had a fight. Maybe like, you know, who you know, who hits me up or somebody hits me up And I would normally go but I I've just been not going Because I know I'm weak So I stay home At least you're honest, man. How do you how is his love changed you in the way? What are you thinking?

Is it does it is it taken away from your comedy a little bit? I worry about that But there's a lot of jokes about him But I can't say who but like there's a lot of material there. I just can't do it It's so funny because I've been here a long time. Yeah, and I see the evolution of women and A girl getting to comedy 23 24 Best piece of ass You know in her best time. She's beautiful

And she does comedy she gets a special Road the whole thing And then maybe she'll get a comic for a year and that doesn't work out Yeah And then one day you bump into her and she's like I met a guy and it's like completely Different from her world. Maybe he's a writer. Maybe he's an electrician. Yeah on a set, you know and and then

I hate to say this and this is the only I'm scared. It's not a knock I have for women. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a knock whatsoever. But guess what? Your ovaries come calling Oh, hell no, I'm not having kids women's ovaries. This guy snipped come calling No, I don't care. I'll give you my sperm and you can put it in there with a syringe You'll still have a bad. I don't want a kid They'll still have an afro and you know, you just tell them whatever you need But my point is it's so weird that I've seen and I can tell you my names, but it's nobody's business

Yeah, I've seen tons of women. I have to Be great for give it fucking hard And then their ovaries come calling love comes calling And stand up is now number two and it should be because your child is number one I don't want a kid But I will tell you Like I changed a little bit of how I was behaving just because he has a kid and I haven't met the kid or anything But like

If his kid is following me on social media, I don't want to have my ass out, you know So I've been a little different. But the cool thing is Like this guy's done what he wants already With his career like he'll do more but he's like He wants me to succeed. So like now I can still do whatever I want Like this tour he hates it. He doesn't hate it But he doesn't want me really staying at truck stops and camping and like I was going to invite my fans like for a thousand dollars You can camp at my site and he was like you're supposed to have the worst ideas. What the hell?

I need money dude. Just I know he has money. I won't take his money That's when my least favorite part about dating is when a girl's like, I'm just gonna go camping Across the country and you care about them and you don't want to like you're not really angry But you care about them and they say something like that And you're just like and then you you get mad when he gets mad. I'm not mad, but like I can camp You know What is this camping thing fucking start august 1st and what does it go from? Okay, so what we're doing is going from here to nashville, but we're stopping uh a bunch of locations like utah

estes park the rockies I might do i'm trying to do a comedy work show like a one night because they're open. Yeah, they're open Are they open? Yeah, but I mean it's not downtown The other one the other one. I don't know the south the west side south side. I'm not sure but then we're going uh New mexico, oklahoma city Ozark Memphis nashville, and i'm gonna do the hollywood pool party at truck stops ta Is gonna like paper all our gas and give us like Food and showers, so i'll do that there and interview truck drivers

And it'll be a paper view live stream So for like five bucks you can watch For a little more you can engage you need to do a video from the truck stop Showers those have to be disgusting. No, they're amazing. Are they really you never showered at a truck stop. No, dude They're so clean. No, it's like a whole time. Yeah Those guys cabs like I've slept in a in a 18 wheeler the cab is like a hotel room Not quite as big, but yeah, wow, they're dope I had no idea. Yeah, I'm excited and then we're gonna camp at koa's

So it's every other night truck stop koa truck stop koa. I'm just worried about I'm worried about you. You know, there's a lot of uh Like I said, there's no covet. It's more The unsettling of the air and yeah So I just want you to promise us you'll be careful. I will bring the gun I don't have a gun. You know, can you put one of those things on your pussy like they did in the old days with a lock? Oh, uh, a chastity belt I can do that. You buy it. I'll do it. No, no

We'll look it up online. We'll duct tape a little chastity belt. Your asshole will cover that too Let's look it up and then see if we get your chastity belt She's not gonna shit for just in case 10 fucking truckers rip your pants off on the site I don't think that's gonna happen and fucking they go to fucking a little monkey and then we'll pull like a throat block in here, too Like a little goalie net in your mouth So they can't put their dick all the way It's just over here. Like that's hilarious. I don't like this. That's so funny actually I don't want it anywhere. No, I'm gonna have that. I'm gonna have a hockey like a hockey mask that's covered

For real. They can't get in It's gonna be covered with netting for covet and truck drivers. No fucking he is so you gotta put like Because don't put the cotton right in those truck drivers. Don't give a fuck. They do met They do It's gonna be very safe and I'm bringing no long hair on the armpits because I'll double it up You know coming your elbow fucking stick You never got no, we ever came in your elbows. That's a good deal. Uh-huh. I'm sticking out like this You like hands up. What happened? It's like titty fucking at arm

No, I have not had that no, I'm bringing a follow car with two people to shoot And actually like one person so the the reason I'm doing it is because I'm working with a company that sells uh Like basically event ticketing for digital now that we're there, but I don't want to stand up that way personally Can I ask you a question? Yeah, you're gonna take a leave from the president all the governors You're gonna bring a deaf person with you to do the translation all they're all busy. You know what I've never seen I won't fucking deaf translators Haven't worked this long Since fucking 1922

And they're the worst. I don't even know what the fuck they're saying Translators No, I love it noises and faces with her face and one of them is attractive not one of those fucking Not one of those fucking Listen to me now one of those fucking people a fucking hand doing anybody even deaf people like what the fuck are they saying? They're doing things like this like fucking land. They're never deaf. It does seem unfair like, you know, I know what about blind people What about if you fucking hear you? All right? But they can't see you how come it's always gotta be for fucking the deaf people

My phone has blind translation. What about a deaf person with a dog? That's what I want to see You've seen that hand signals with a dog. Where's the safety dog? Where's the safety dog She's deaf. Where's the dog? I don't know man. I all I know is I have not seen any safety dogs flying Nothing pisses me off in these speeches and then something Garcetti gave a speech and he had like plan b Like they had a switch like time out and another deaf guy came out like From ringing the bell

Because Garcetti'll give me an ear beating. I don't know. He was like, fuck you. I gotta go. I'm done My fingers are 18 calories. I've been doing this How great would it be to learn sign language? Just enough to get hired for one speech and then just do whatever the fuck you like do your whole How great would it be if you had a comedy school and you gotta like either you became a comic or you became a fucking Deaf translator. Listen, can I talk to you for a second? I've been watching some of your comedy shows and you really don't got it But I think you got something for deaf people. If you don't talk, you can really be entertaining

Jump No, no, no, like your eyebrows on flyer, you know, shit like that That'll work. I don't say it. No, I'm not Have you seen the videos of the of the translators who don't know what they're doing? They don't Learn and have to get hired and then do whatever you want like making deaf people at home going I don't know what this fucking could call it. What's called it? Making those you ever see the chubby black chick with the big glasses She's the worst who she's the worst the chubby black chick with the glasses. She talks or signs signs

She's like the chick from uh, the whitehead chick and you should wear a mask and I don't know. I don't watch any of the politics shit White no, it's not politics. It's on a well-known news tonight. You're the one who watches the news, Joe I think you're literally the only person left to watch six and six dirty In my area I want to know I want to know what's going on nationwide. Even though I know they're bullshit. I don't know shit I know they're bullshit me. I don't know what you really have to do is go on three channels And make a hypothesis. But guess what? I don't have that type of time

So what I assume was people getting sick people are dying. What can I do? Now hang out in big crowds that talk to dirty people If I smell COVID turn around If I smell COVID, yeah, you can smell it. I I went somewhere yesterday and I smelt it with the mask. No, shut up. That was your own fart. You smelled a traitor Joe I'm not gonna say where I went yesterday But I'll give you a hint that was in Burbank And I walked in with the mask and they had all the doors shut

And he had that warmth to it We're COVID breeds And they're walking around with no fucking mask on she's what where's this at? Come on I'm not gonna say it's pretty fucking bad. I just know this. I know that I know that Listen, I was thinking of stopping this podcast from COVID hit No, yes, because I I couldn't live with myself I quit it if somebody came in here and got sick. It's not for me. I don't have that type of 10 years ago, I would have sprayed COVID in your eye. I don't give a fuck. I would have put it in your drink

but now I have a wife COVID would have been the least of our problems. Yeah. Oh, I snored at COVID. You know what I'm saying like Fucking COVID COVID is dick. I would have rubbed it on my balls and pistol in your face I would have packed the palate and my dick when I come it would hit your palate And it blow up with COVID then the cum would come over it and really activate it like promo salsa Like after social you know what I'm saying like so I'm really petrified of that

I would love to go out and do comedy But guess what even social distancing comedy I'm not into doing I don't want to put that many people together. I have nothing that important to fucking say. No, okay I really don't if I don't get two weeks of proper training before Salt Lake City Wise guys, you're not gonna be good anyway. No, I'm not gonna be good. I want to let people see me In my worst situation. Yes. I could be entertaining. I could no, it's hard to shoot

I'm not gonna be 25 dollars worth entertaining. Yeah, and I'm not gonna be 35 dollars worth entertaining So why are we gonna do this? I'd rather take my time off Move get my life together Get my family situated let legal see his family Let Lee decide what he wants to do And somewhere along that where I'm going comedy open up and I'll start right back I'm so excited about restarting me too

Going I'm gonna go buy the Judy Carter book No, I have it. I'll give it to you. I got it at my house read it from scratch And I'm gonna just do and fall in love with it I get that like three months just to fall in love with it. No gigs Just that no responsibility. Yeah, okay. You're doing a room tonight. Yeah swing by and do 10 I'll let you close it. I'll give you 100. I don't even want it. Yeah, let me just come down and do 10 Just to build up again build some good credibility with the With karma, you know, get that good comedy karma got to help out some people in some rooms

Yeah, and then go back on the road, but Where I think I'm gonna move I'm access to 20 comedy clubs without taking a fucking plane So I could drive to a lot of stuff. So I'm very excited about that. I'm excited for you. I'm excited about the second You know, like you always I'm going back to law school and I'm gonna do it right this time Yep, I already went for 29 years. I've been lingering at law school like Hanging on to people and talking to people and asking questions

Now I'm gonna do comedy. How I wanted to do it. Oh, I might switch from being dirty Fuck it. Why not? I might become John Mulaney. I Have so many opportunities I'll talk about hot pockets and light bacon and how I give bacon to Jews on purpose I'm out there giving up bacon to Jews. I don't give a fuck jack. Who else can we offend? Yeah, you know, I I wonder if there's a different style I wonder if I've been watching a lot of Lenny Bruce lately And I'm going back to like I like that 60s. He calls everybody a cat. See

Oh, that's so funny to this cat. See and he was pretty cool. You see I like that like that rhythm. He had he had like a jazz To stand up. Nobody has done it. I love buddy verse. We all have Netflix comedy now We all are Netflix comics now We don't have that jazz to us. Yeah relaxation that I'm eliminating all that I'm taking all that out of my life. So It's over now. I'm gonna be better than ever I'll tell you those shows I did the weekends. I did Like it was the most fun

I've had so long because you can't do your old shit. You can't go on stage and be like, oh tinder It's not irrelevant. It's like you have to talk about now But you don't have time to build on new materials So like it was really fun to just go up and like I got new bits just out of What's happening right now being angry. I know My opening bit is gonna be. Yeah, who's got toilet paper left? Yeah, what was the toilet paper for?

People dying and you're buying toilet paper. Nobody give me the fucking logic behind that It's so fucking dumb toilet paper was gone. Nobody said nothing about toilet paper. I didn't stock up I stocked up on baby wipes tampons and uh You should have seen the gun spots in burbank. Yeah. Oh, I saw. Oh, no Fucking died. I drove by one day No, dude, it's so easy It's scary. We have people to bind guns and it's a disease. I can see if we were getting attacked Yeah, but by neighborhood people were like I heard you tell me that you saw a naked guy

With a fit now Castro mask riding down Hollywood Boulevard at like one in the morning on a bicycle in the middle of the road naked That's when it's time to pack up your bag. Get the fuck. You know what? Yeah Something is not right. Yeah, but you know, I feel like in a way that like For me, I mean you remember I told you before this I was burned out on the dating shit I was feeling a little just like I wanted to change it up and then this happened And then now it's forced me to come up with other things So now I've got like a whole new plan for like digital stuff

But if this hadn't happened I would just kept doing the same shit And now it's like I feel like my life's going the way it's supposed to be Like this element and I feel like a lot of people, you know, we all sat around depressed at the beginning I fucking drank and it's funny. Like you were saying like you're tweeting all night I probably didn't sleep for a week. Like I was I was alone all my friends who have families didn't want to hang I had like two people to see

I have a friend with hiv who was not afraid because he thinks whatever he's taking for that is keeping them Covid people only only four percent have been affected Then uh, they haven't people with hiv. Yeah, really. It's been really low. Yeah. I think hiv topples covid Get out of you. It does. It's yeah, whatever they're taking for the hiv. In fact, it was funny at one point He was like, do you want to just take my stuff? I was like, no, I'm good. Okay, but yeah Yeah, but I was like I was just really depressed But I was also then after about uh four weeks of that I was like

Okay, maybe this is like whatever higher power there or whatever is out there Is like, hey, you've been wanting to start fresh Here it is. And that's why I didn't do my podcast for a while because I was like I really was falling in love with this guy and I was like, I don't want to fuck it up like every time I talk about a guy in my podcast it ruins it and I couldn't have guests and I think zoom is weird So I was just like, you know, it's gonna take a break and not feel guilty about it and get my shit together I think

When I went home last year to shoot the surprise I was when it started hitting me how Monotonous my life was out here. Yeah, what? It was so revolved around work And not going to a restaurant with my buddies anymore and just go and give me the fucking menu Right when I went home. I realized that my friends go out every night Yeah at 9 30. They're looking at their clocks They're like, oh, it's getting late and that's fine

But for two hours we sat there. We ate we talked and I did that every night I would go over the over I take the ferry over And I'm like, you know what? I think this is what I miss me too You know, I was doing two podcasts a week What three shows at the store or two podcasts a week At a weekend at a club or two two places and two different nights now I didn't get into comedy to sit at home No, but it felt like comedy had just I was disenchanted with comedy

Since I shot the network special Yeah, I felt that when I came back from Vegas. I was disenchanted Yeah, completely if it was up to me, I would have fired everybody and started from scratch. Yeah, I took a little sabbatical I dedicated myself to the store. Yep God, that's new shit was fire though. Your stuff that you were doing after that was so No, no, no, I I didn't give a fuck no more. I know it was amazing. You really couldn't do nothing to me I didn't really want to be on Netflix. I didn't want to be on HBO. I don't want to be on You're having fun. I'm having fun. You know what?

I'll get somebody I'll pay somebody 50 bucks fucking tape me for 10 minutes. Put it on you That's just as good as the HBO special these days Just it's good. It is just as good as the HBO special More people of YouTube. Yeah, more people have fucking YouTube. So it's like, uh I just I've accepted what's kind and that's what a lot of people have to do and I said the other day I spoke to three people. I'm not going to say what their names are. They're powerful people One guy FaceTime me because something's going on with his phone

And he wouldn't make eye contact with me on the FaceTime He kept rubbing his head and telling me what's going on and then I go, oh Sit down and look at me for a second He goes, what's up? I go first off You're telling me about everything that's going on wrong with your life Let me take a minute and tell you all the good things you did with your life Yeah, you did this you did this you did this You did this and you did this when I go to this comedy club. I see your name on the wall

So before you take yourself into this deep hole, that's not worth it Because we're blaming each other We're blaming ourselves for some um, this wouldn't happen. This wouldn't happen if I work for my father Bitch, you didn't want to work for your father, please No, you didn't want to be an editor Sorry, this oh, I was an editor. I would have a job now. I would be an all you know You wouldn't you'd be editing from the fucking out, you know, like People really don't know what they have

So before you start following how that's true what would they call that wallowing wallowing itself That's what it's called wallowing yourself pity about your fucking $1,200 check About your fucking 300 unemployment that they're gonna cut. I want you to take that time and I want you to This is a time to reevaluate Yeah, look at the things you have done you went to college on your own nickel You paid your loans on your own nickel. You know what man? So unemployment's giving you 1800 and your rent is 1600 and you're caught payment street All right, we got a problem here, but it's not a big problem. Yeah, guess what? You know what?

What are you gonna do? Watch narcos on netflix swipe it. That's $80 a year right there That water you're drinking from the thing so fucking get fucking fountain water Water will grow enough dude. You fucking moron. Listen drink fountain water You know what cut out coupons like grandma does. Yeah, cut it out. You know what? I started wearing 99 set store up I still look good. I got a fucking awesome. You cannot live the regular life. You will live it. You're gonna sacrifice Some stuff. You're gonna sacrifice some stuff and that's fine. You're gonna realize you're gonna look at me when they go joey I got rid of Netflix

Well, something that Surprised me when I moved out here is I thought it was just up You know, I thought like you should like you started out low, but then you just keep making more money and more money Oh, yeah, like and just because you go down for a little bit You're gonna go like it's gonna go back up again. Like I I I was an idiot I don't know. I just thought you would just keep going up and that's how it was But sometimes you don't have a job for a little bit and la like california gets a lot of hate I don't I'm not leaving california because I hate it. I'm not leaving. I love california la la is

It feels like a business trip to me You like you said like you don't have I have friends that I met at work, but they live 15 miles away and In a normal city that would be fine But here that's an hour and a half each way and you just don't see each other Yeah, and yeah and people here. It's just this is you come here to do business and I think what I realized Is I did I had a good one. I'm not done dude. No, I'm not I'm not done But I I worked on a few cool tv shows. I worked. I did this

Listen, listen, you have to tell yourself like you did more than 99 percent of the people who come here The minute you get paid the first time for stepping on the stage That's what I tell myself when I get down when I'm like, I don't have the network special I don't have a HBO but like okay, but I've got paid to play Clubs theaters had a tv show You win when you get paid the first time I won the thing I'll never forget in there and I owe it all I owe a lot to joey, but that me doing the wilbur And I could go home and work it. It was weird when I was going

To college I went to buy a laptop And the guy at the apple store was like, oh, I did video editing in LA for a little bit I worked on a couple shows and Now I'm back here. Yeah, he's working at the apple store and when I was 18 I was like that's never gonna happen to me. He's a loser. He's working at the apple store and now I'm like You have different parts of your life. Like maybe he's happy at the apple store. Also, that's the thing like maybe he is happy like I've had

I really believe like there's been moments That I know I could have taken something that would make me like bigger But I didn't want it Like sometimes okay, like I don't know. I love doing comedy. I like making people happy. Do I want to be famous? Not really Like famous is hard as shit And people assume you're rich when you're famous people assume

You know I applied for food stamps when this started because like I never got unemployment I applied twice The first time I applied wrong the second time I applied right and then ever since then it's been like Trying to merge the two accounts. It doesn't matter. I applied for food stamps I couldn't get them like I was qualified, but I couldn't get both times at an appointment No one called me then I called they said they have to call you back and it was like if like Realistically, it's just When you're in this business, it's like what you said people think you get a tv show you make it

And it's not It's like but but I've also learned that none of that matters But what is making that's it money isn't making it famous. I think making it is making it money is making it is I think it's peace. You know what it's peace and it's making it is I'm never gonna be Dave Chappelle. I'm never gonna be Kevin Hart. I'm never gonna be bill burr Do you care? But if I cut out just a little part I can have my own little piece of the pie

I could care who takes the rest. I just always wanted my own little piece of the pie If you think 15 years ago I tell you today stand up. I'd be in this position. I love you. Joe. I would be lying to you I don't want to be Dave Chappelle. I never claimed to be chappell or bill burr or roguin or kevin But you are as Russell peter finally is all that doesn't really matter Funny doesn't matter. It's how you come across that audience. There's people that are horrible There's people that are horrible and go from tv show to tv show They've been on more shows that have gone down than ever. Those are the guys that get the more work

You know, so it's like Uh, I've had to make peace for people the last three months people have called me and said hey, I'm thinking of leaving What are you thinking? I've said, you know, you better get the hell out of here You told me that I was sad when you told me when you called me and said you should move Just go live in nashville. Yeah, I was like Oh, man, Joey things. I should give up. No, I know you I know you did not give up not give up I don't want what's going on and listen shit rolls downhill What's happening in seattle in portland

We have those same type of people down here. It's scary that are ready to go. It's so you have to give this six weeks before hollywood or downtown is Looking like seattle. I gotta leave Take over the federal building in la Something has to happen in la remember when la Catches a cold and sneezes when la sneezes Up hill everybody catches a cold

Shit runs downhill if shit's going on in portland Believe it or not, origan borders los angeles So guys this is going to move downward. Yeah, and if it's starting in austin and it connects in arizona It's just a civil war we're talking about it's what are we talking about armed people walk down Louisville here. They all these things are happening. I'm not this is a comedy podcast I'm not telling you these things to scare you. I'm telling you these things to be aware To know what your surroundings are, which is the most important thing in life When you get out of your car from now on I don't want to see you on your cell phone

If you didn't think I wanted your cell phone on the street before Now if I see you I pull over and beep at you Because there's a thousand videos out there people looking at their cell phones and somebody coming up and punching in the fucking head Yeah, well, you've known me a long time. I've never been scared and I'm leaving my neighborhood before you park your car Yeah, I want you to take a ride and see if there's anybody behind the tree or anything There's mental health people going on out there, you know These people who getting into arguments of people put on a mask. You see somebody but out of mass across the street Don't you?

You don't know where they came from What if they haven't gotten their dick suck their wife left them for the mexican landlord? And they got their house got foreclosed for it. They're going for a walk to get anxiety Anxiety and you go put on a mask. Let's say that guy has a fucking box cutter You know, he's just his wife left him for the guy who mows the lawn His house is foreclosed his business is gone And you're gonna tell him to put on a mask. He's worried about a mask That guy's hoping he gets hit by the covid train

He hopes that young young kim sends him a fucking Covid missile right to his fucking head No, but it's true like not to be like debbie down or like, yeah, this was be funny, but like The statistics for suicide are up The statistics for people being 51 50 they're up. So like you have to check on your friends like people This is you know in prison. It's a punishment to be in solitary confinement. That's basically what we're telling people to do Is like if you're you

You haven't been hugged you said since what march. Yeah, no, it's not but also, I mean and joe used to give me shit for it I was pretty much like this is i'm not good at making friends like comedy was good for me to make friends But it's a lot of time and a lot of time in la is by yourself. That's true But you know what that's true, but every time I saw you I gave you a hug Oh, yeah And like people need people need to be touched like like babies who aren't touched It's like there are statistics you can read about babies who aren't touched you become criminals because like The psychosis of being touched is important. You need to feel loved. So i'm saying that me too

thing is over Yeah You're good joe. Can I come out from jumping behind the bushes? Man, that's it. I think it is over man. I think everything's over Rose McGowan said something to that She's fucking out okay quickly. Where can we find these dates? I just want to say I love you too. I love you know my heart I'm so happy you found love I knew for a long time that that was a gap in your heart Everybody you met was a piece of shit

I know And you're shocked, you know and again you gotta suck a thousand dicks before I just Dude, it's so funny. I came in here Joey said you gotta you gotta suck a thousand dicks to find a prince and I was like I tweeted that last week This is why we have like you're just I you're my spirit animal How many pussies that I eat before I eat the right pussy you tell me

20,000 20,000 that's why if you swab my mouth with the if you do the The covid test your mouth is just pregnant It's just gonna come up assholes like listen You don't have covid you have like an asshole growing in your who's the guy who said he got throat cancer from eating pussy Yeah, and I feel different. I think it's good for his throat cancer. Yo, no it is pussy. You gotta hear me sing the next day I'm like It's not unusual to make love to anyone

That's awesome. No, it's real. Um, can they find your cake? You guys can find me on social media, you know I can't you funny, but but uh the website is tick star dot com tix r So the whole tour will be on there if you want to watch it. It'll be on there It'll also be on my youtube it. She's also gonna put a camera in her tent And that's a special ten dollars Shut up joe He's right

I bought a water bottle that you can pee into and filter it drink it That's a hundred dollars And listen to me if you drink it If you drink up that's a continental breakfast if you drink up piss from the camping trip I'll give you two cash and empty you in the contest along with lee To who takes a fart in the face with lee so he doesn't have to do it alone That's how we're gonna end the podcast. I got the chick. I'm she's eating as we speak I went over and bought like four loaves

Went to groceries marshmallows What are you talking about? I have a uh african-american woman who weighs about four eighty. What? She's gonna come here on camera and fart in lee's mouth Not tonight to end the podcast. I'm like I'm staying This has been going on for seven years when I put a bib on this shirt the whole thing when I put a bib on him He calls me every other day with like a new idea. I'm gonna give an anti diarrhea manga. Just he has a little bit A diarrhea just don't do that. Let her let her diarrhea right in his face. Yeah, I'm making him a millionaire. I'm his manager This guy couldn't manage himself

Yeah, but you always say I'm gonna be a millionaire and then you say the first one's for free You have to eat as you can't leave town without him eating one ass. Can we please set it up? I will I will pay for it. What we'll do is this my food sale I'm not I'm not doing a hooker ass. The first one is just a fart to the face. Okay And that's it in the end you get some laughs. You get a half a million You get a million views. You get some t-shirts made. I'm a million I should rise to fart to the face You know, that's the name of the website. I survived the fart to the face

Watch him get he's gonna he's gonna get the balloon. He's not writing this down because he's a coxa I'm not getting farted in the face. Will you please eat an ass? I will get you a hot chick And then we're gonna do a pay-per-view event. We're like, you know People get fucked up by chubby chicks and shit You got a chubby chick the zipline and you're gonna eat your mouth like this And she just lands with a pussy in your mouth and if you catch a pubic hair you win 100 hours Whatever how about this? I'll start it only fans and it's 200 a month and all you do is eat ass. Sure. Yes 200 is too much. That's too much for because we're gonna we're not gonna get you each person

Wiggly looking bitches. I'm gonna get you. I wasca looking bitches We're broken hips recovering from fucking allergies They just got shot in the leg in vietnam One of those because now just now the asshole's kind of death row women death row in dates Do you ever see like when the asshole drags? What do you mean drag? You haven't seen that yo, I'm gonna get you one of those. Oh, what is it? How's an asshole drag?

You don't know you're never gonna know if you don't know you're never eating ass Because I'm gonna I'm gonna give you like a selection of asses. I got it all planned out. Yeah, but none of them sound good It sounds like fucking it's gonna be great. I'll throw a few hot ones. Let me tell you some asshole has the highest Contact of vitamin c a lot of people. It's true and ginger and ginger. So you'll be fairly ginger Anyway, forget about lee getting fought in the face The church is brought to you by draft kings All right, nba mlb if they don't have fucking uh, kovid mma golf Draft kings has it all plus paying plurips like how many players are gonna die this season?

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And i'm gonna give you 10 off on your first order. You're not gonna get there anyone else like me Uncle joey calls and says hey my people gonna call Take care of him put a sticker in there do something. All right. I love you guys I want to thank the beautiful and talented. I love you and next time we'll see us. You'll be married No, no, no you want to get your dicks up at the roofie pills out now There's kates still available, but not really And where they go for your dates. I love you. Uh, you guys can just go to cake weekly dot com or all my social media Okay, and lee I love you cocksucker. Let me do and you guys i'll see you monday. Don't forget

We're on spotify. I also want to give a shout out to my little brother His father got me into comedy the sheet metal workers of 104 My man jimmy jr. Handy up there running fucking things and don't forget patreon dot com Slash joey Diaz a dollar. That's it. I want a dollar. That's it. Don't send no more dollar And we'll get the party started from there. Maybe in a month. We'll start doing fucking uh, great idea one join videos I'll whack offy. I'll shave my fucking ass. Oh, yeah I'll shoot a bow and arrow at your mother. You know me. I'll do anything for a dollar

I love you guys. Have a great weekend. Lee kick this motherfucking meal Tarzan You