Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #811 - Ryan Sickler: The Host

Episode Date: August 10, 2020

Ryan Sickler, a stand up comedian and the host of "The HoneyDew" podcast, is the first guest host of The Church of What's Happening Now. He interviews Joey Diaz about his life as part of a series they are doing on "The HoneyDew" podcast. This podcast is brought to you by: DraftKings - Download DraftKings Sportsbook now and use code CHURCH to get $1000 sign up bonus.     CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   

Greetings from podcastville. It's Monday the 10th of August the church what's happening now is brought to you by draft Kings listen this Saturday is UFC 252 and Draft Kings has a knockout of a fucking deal better buck to win $252 what did you say better bug to win $252 put money on either fight in the main event for the opportunity to win $252 you can't beat those odds. Where else does a dollar go so far? Don't be a sucker download the draft Kings sports book app New users get a sign-up bonus up to a thousand dollars

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slash sports book for details Got a grammar problem. There's help call 1 800 gambler if you're in Indiana Call 1 809 with it and tell a Uncle Joe you sent you but first Download the draft Kings sports book app and use code church. The church is also brought to you by CBD lion listen to me Let me explain something to you their mission is to help spread the knowledge and benefits of CBD and terpenes and how they can be used to help regulate and influence a Canterbury systems to benefit our well-being whether you're looking for a tincture

Whether you're looking for a gummy bear whether you're looking for the patch the tape CBD lion is king. This is not no fucking dollar store type shit. This is listen. Just go to the website CBD lion calm read it Educate yourself look at what the uses whether you have anxiety pain CBD lion has the answer for you go to CBD lion calm right now and press in church and get 20% off your first order All right, it's Monday motherfuckers kick this fucking mule Lee Shit fucking Welcome to the church of what's happening now everybody I'm Ryan sickler sitting in tonight

Not really in but in and next to the one and only Joey Coco Diaz here also Lee sigh it. This is a special edition. I guess of the church. You've never had anyone do this before now This is an honor. I'm sure but tonight show you just like Freddie Prince. Yeah, host and come in. What's going on? Rivers will come on. Yeah, I'm your first guest host. Yes, the fucking love it And I love that you're here for it though. A lot of times guest hosts and you're not here. So my So we have been documenting your life on the honeydew we have done about 40 hours over only at We we got through 1985 and 86 last time on the honeydew so why don't we pick up here with January of 1987 January of 1987 I found myself what working at a car wash and boulder drying off cars

That was one of those guys outside freezing freezing drying off cars. I started the job Like the second week of December and I worked damn minimum wage plus tips All right. And so just let me refresh here. How old are you in 87 now? How old are you 24? Okay? Yeah, 24 63 and 424 so I'm wiping down windows washing down cars and the only hustle I have are The tips how can I steal the tips? If you break up the tips I go from making seven to like 980 that's not gonna work for Uncle Joey

I need to kick up my income So I figured out that if I drive the car and the guy tips me if nobody's watching it goes in my pocket Oh, he's a hateful tips. Fuck the job. You know I'm saying also everybody I am yeah, I am getting a nickel and I got a shirt with these fucking mooks to the moving after speed of me So that lasted for a few weeks. I saw an ad or somebody told me about a body shop That was hiring a detailing apprentices Now I wasn't fucking getting rich at the car wash. I

went down to this whatever the fuck it was and I apply and the guy happens to be from New York Just a body shop the body shop paint shop detailing shop And he goes I am looking for a good guy, but it's it may not be you I got a position for a position called the shacker and Where you you you watch cars you help the body guys you got to be here at six in the morning It doesn't pay over time

It pays like 220 a week and you're here till you're here and you work hard to become a Detailer and that's where you make your money Well, I started there like in November January right before the Super Bowl the Giants went to the Super Bowl against somebody and And Maybe the Bronco somebody when I started the week or two before the Super Bowl because they invited me To their Super Bowl party. They're nice guys and you know, whatever I fit in but I didn't you know, I Did I did my job. I was really good at it. I used to have to go to car dealers

So this particular body shop worked for a chain called the Crouches and Boulder at that time that had Suzuki Subaru You know Acura He had like four or five that Mitsubishi He had like four or five different chains and we washed those cars in Honda Metro Honda. We had or something Honda So I became friendly with all the guys. Hey, hey doing what's going on. I would help the detailers and pick up cars

And I became friendly with this guy from Jersey and the Subaru dealership I would go to the Subaru dealership and they'd be like the ice cream man got that. What's up, motherfucker? What up? Oh Shit, there he is Jersey Joe. Oh shit There was a skinny guy from Detroit that looked like a junkie real good looking He was cool. The guy's name was Peter Pinto the manager There was a dude named Carlos and I just became friends with him the lot boy there was working a tremendous scam He was selling he was getting like he was one of those guys was making 350 an hour, but he was making 80,000 a year He was getting maybe 10 an hour, but he drove like a Porsche

Because he was taking the Subaru's this SL 10 that the IN Stereo's and Why you bought the car he would come up to you and go when you talk to you about something What do you want to do here this stereo sucks? What if I could put an SL 10 in there if a hundred falls out of your pocket? And he would all send the bank came when they they're like all the SL 10 fucking radios are missing They're all shitty AM radios. It's fucking hilarious. This place was a Bay

This place is crazy So now they yell at me What are you gonna become a salesman and I'm like, I'm no fucking car salesman stop that shit That's the third guy. I'm like that three years. I kept bothering me to go so cause I'm like, I'm not gonna go fucking sell cars you people are fucking crazy So I kept and I got promoted to a detailer And that's when you get like I forget what but the pay raise was huge I went from making 220 to like a thousand a week

Now I'm doing some powder. I Got a little apartment in South Boulder My girlfriend would come over I give her a couple bumps Eat a little monkey she'd go home and I'd redo the rest of it. I'd hold out on a Have to go to school anyway, you suck. I thought you got more get the fuck out and then I do my thing and It was great. I love detailing. I really liked it. I like this to being alone I like listening to music

Everybody there smoked pot, you know, it was really cool. But one of my best pieces of work there Was once I started leaning I Became a detailer right away like they said it takes 90 days It took me like 24 days and they had no choice. I was out working everybody I was just one of those dudes that even with a monkey on my back. I'm not working you. I ain't working for 220 a week The thing that kept me there was a burrito lady Burrito lady that came every day at like nine o'clock with green chili and mashed potatoes in a burrito Lee Your head would explode. It was in a blender

She put it in the blender You could taste the little pieces of pork in there And she let you run a tab on and you could pay her on Friday. Oh shit. Oh, she was beautiful I loved it, but then I was getting hot cigarettes at the time. I had a friend who was giving me hot cigarettes I go you sell cigarettes on the road to coach. He goes. Yeah, I'll trade you cigarettes for fucking burrito It never ends The house will never end dog. You don't understand never and never ended. So what's the conversion? How many cigarettes for a burrito? I don't know. I forget those days

She was I don't know what she was giving me pecan and then I would get the burritos for like a dollar or after like two dollars a dolly Dilly delicious. I mean you couldn't live without that made me hungry. I Would snuck cope thinking about that burrito I'm getting six of those motherfuckers a breakfast and God every once in a while She'd run out of them before she get to my stop like well, give me a six potato. I'm all out. What do you mean? You're like, you know, I need to make this party happen here. I don't want the red pork Do I look like I want red pork? I'm trying to fucking you know I'm saying That was like the and I became partners to the dude who was on steroids and

One night I went to his house after work. He's like he kept telling me he wanted me to do him a favor Wait, I'm just holding on one second partners in the detailing business now. No, he was a detailer. Okay big. Yo, kid Did your own thing now? No, no, no me and him were goombas. I just got it. Got it. He watched my back I watched he was a big white boy Good fucking dude good family, but I went to his house. He goes can you come over with me and help me with some stuff I thought yeah, I didn't know what to expect. I go over there. He goes listen, man Me and my girlfriend broke up and she's doing like a shoot me with steroids Can you shoot me with steroids? I don't know about a shoot nobody. I can't even see needles

I'm like, I don't want to do this. You should you should do some steroids. You got a great bill You lift and I'm like, I'm not shooting it. I drank a bottle of steroid juice. That must have definitely fucked I just drank it my face turned red for like an hour So this is I'm talking I'm fucking My mind guys, I'm snorting coke on the weekends I drank a whole container of Decker the roblin one of those little syringes God knows what's gonna happen. So It's supposed to be shot intravenously so

This is how fucking nuts. I was at the time. I'm living with like Another couple and they're just doing coke all the time. She's walking around with a panties He would pass out. She come talk to me with a panties and I you know, it was just not a good scene So I got my own apartment. I moved somewhere else and It brazed me up a little bit like my numbers, you know, like now I had to pay real rent I was paying like for a room in a house now. I had to pay real rent and I was making money detailing But this cut into my fucking Cocoa local time because I used to go to fucking that one place that serves the French fries with the endless

Red Robin Red Robin used to make Cocoa Locos. I'd make a tip like two extra vokas in there They make the best top shelf margarita in the country at the time for 450 red Rob my credit card I was just margarita margarita margarita red Robin red bra I would go to Red Robin every night through two margaritas to two top shelves through two bumps and fucking from there Whatever you need me to do. I'll do you know saying I would have a little car sale when he drive me home He kept asking you know, I'm no more coke. Nah, I did it all. I had to grab my pocket. I go home and fucking Bang out blow and then I got promoted now I'm thinking about the salesmanship. The guy told me what they're making over there

And it was a lot more than what I was making I'm like, should I go with himself fucking cars? I Don't know about cars and these are the same ones the Acura's the Subaru's the midst of this is super, okay So these guys back then they had to what the brat. They were the one with the seats in the back Remember those suicide? Brat in a bunch of great cars back there So I'm gonna be this real decisive mode, but what happened was There was a crew of detailers and this just happened to me on all places

What happened was I started out working. I Started how to figure out the system The system was to do two new cars a day and three used cars That's where your money's at the two new cars with easy money You just ripped the paper off you got to put a certain chemical on them to take the Cosmoline off You put the rims on your armor all the inside you put the mats down you wash the car and you dry it That's it. It's no big deal. Nobody's ever sat in the car You just put the hubcaps on put the fucking mats in you know a couple things you gotta

Set the stations whatever the fuck they want then you take it to the thing I could do two of those in an hour So I would make two fucking runs and they never heard of that I'm like why go make runs and pick them up Let's get to done and I did two canoe cars by the 11 and then I jumped on three used cars I was making some good fucking money, but they started fucking with me You know, they wouldn't give me a bay. They would go off. You could park two cars out there We could put two cars in here So it's like really four against three and the supervisor like them

So I'm like this supervisor really wants to fuck with me and then like a week after that one day He goes, I'm gonna fucking right you up In support nation something crazy because I told him I'll do the car outside. No big deal. You can't do it outside I go relax. Watch your fucking tone and But the manager was from New York and the manager knew I was little fucked up and the owner was a great white dude You know those white dudes that drink whiskey and they don't watch porn But they appreciate a good sense of humor like you could tell that the dude was uptight and shit Yeah, he was just a great white dude

But he liked me because I fucking made money and I hustled my ass off You know, I was getting in there with him at six in the morning. You weren't supposed to be that too late If I started coke till five, what's the difference? Oh, yeah, I sit here and look out the window by myself I might as well go pick up piece of fucking 30 40 dollars at the time. That was my mentality. So they started picking on me They started fucking me like they really you're gonna fuck with me and at that time I had the whole body shop wide I knew where to get weed. I knew where to get coke. I knew who was selling this who was selling that There was a creepy dude who installed stereos there creepy as fuck In what way what was every day man? I went to the strip club last night. Oh, I met this girl Melinda a working name was gonna

You know, he's got a fake real name Like just a creepy strip club guy He knew all the strip clubs when people would talk about strip clubs He come out and give you cards for VIP of this one He was friends with the band the rental the bandero's bike gang. I got reefer from him. I got coke from him He sold a bunch of shit, but he had everything a guy That was trying to prove something had tinted windows allowed stereo Tattoos leather jacket a motorcycle a pit bull

Anything that a guy needs to get attention. Yeah, he was just But he was like a half a retard, but I kind of like them his drugs were good Always told me about dirty pussy how he was finger these strippers and he would fuck them and all this shit So it's big in the drugs. Can we smoke during this? You can do it You can let your ass along So One day this dude Dirk Gets in my face

About some shit. I've told this story before but I don't think I've told it to you Ryan sicker I want to hear now. I'm fucking nuts Ryan sick. I'm 24 Fresh out of fucking Jersey. I just slept in benches. I just went through that whole fucking homeless thing You know now I'm living in Boulder, but I'm keeping a lid on it I got a girlfriend. I have to go to a family's house every Sunday to eat. They're very nice people They're from Buffalo They're from Buffalo, New York, they're very nice people I appreciate them So I got to act like a fucking man and these people get in my faces

So there was particularly two white dudes both from Minneapolis, Minnesota That would fuck with me and they had a and they would beat me because they had the Fucking the supervisor in their corner So one day I see the supervisor walking in and I don't know what he took his jacket off and he hung it up And I don't know what made me do this, but this is the mind of Joey Diaz You know that the dude thought he got over on me, but I'm gonna show him he I'm gonna get over on him I just didn't know how and all of a sudden the good Lord That's something he does every fucking day. He kills a mouse. I

Turn around and there's a dead mouse Four-foot from me. Maybe three inches long. I see that everybody's washing cars. They go. What can I do with this mouse? I got a paper towel. I pick it up by the town. I put it in the guy's pocket The supervisor's pocket. I put in his pocket. I get high. I keep working on cars. I forget about the whole thing The next morning I'm in there six o'clock buzzing out of car and you hear a car come in like And he gets out in the car he goes what the fuck shot it down Shot it down. I just got into a major car accident He goes I reached in my pocket for cigarettes and somebody put a mouse in there

By the end of the day, I'm gonna find out who it is I have an idea who it is and I'm fucking you know me dog. I'm like, I hope you find the But that motherfucking knew it was me or some other guy his car was all crashed up fuck them Fuck them So right there knew it was time for me to go So by April 15th I April now everybody from 1980s. I tell the fucking I tell the fucking

The fucking car the dealership to I caught him a deal I Tell the detail guys that I'm gonna go sell cars for one day and try it and after one day I don't know if I like it or not And They said okay When do you want to do this I go Monday? So I put together what I had as a suit at that time And I went there Monday. They told me to be that eight to learn about some cars

And they gave me to this guy named Jimmy Wheeler God rest his soul. I still to his son I still talk to his son on amazing that you remember the Cody Wheeler. I remember this guy's name because He was the first guy that made me feel like family without being at home He was what one of those guys that he was willing to take a bullet for you and again God put this guy in my life And on the first day, he just dug me. We were big-time Bruce Lee fans. That's why I brought you the shirt Thank you for that shirt And he had the tower g kundo signed by Bruce Lee. Nobody had that at the time And he was from Detroit

He just impressed the shit out of me and he gave me a shirt once Detroit the murder capital of the United States of America. It was my favorite shirt. I wore it all summer long People said me. Why do you wear that shirt? It's disgusting. I fucking love Detroit I want to go to fucking Detroit like I'm ready for Detroit. Fuck these pussies like that's how crazy. I was at the time and That first day with Jim Wheeler and up selling three cars Making a thousand bucks on paper and like two hundred and spiff's cash At seven o'clock, I called the body shop and told him to suck my dick I'm never washing the car again. I

Went to my mother-in-law. God bless her soul my ex-mother-in-law who I love Daly at the time And she lent me her made DNF card and she let me charge $500. I bought three suits shirts pants and I was all in guys You were selling cars in Denver. Well, not Denver Boulder and the first month I ended up selling 14 cars damn I was the same every other day damn near I was a salesman of the month. I think I came in second Did you get a special spot and all that shit? Yeah, like I got a demo for free You had to sell 12 cars to get your car for free or you had to pay 300 a month

So that was the magic number 12 you get your demo and then dad weird bonuses like once you sell 10 cars your bonus goes from 20 to 30 percent 11 cars 35 percent 12 cars 40 percent 15 cars 40 percent plus a 500 hour cash bonus they worked it plus every new Subaru you called every new Subaru you sold you ripped the thing and You looked at it and they would even give you money or you spun the wheel you called Subaru and they'd tell you you won $350 and you'll get your check in the mail

So the first month I think I made like eight grand Are you kidding me? I paid my mother-in-law back. I went out and bought some really nice suits and I was all in This is me. I bought the nicest shirts. I got them dry cleaned. I cut my hair Don't get me wrong. I was doing coke four out of five nights Don't forget to lay that in there Don't forget to lay that in there because that's the truth. I fucking Snorted coke. I had a girlfriend who I loved that had been with her at the time At the time we had been together

For two and a half years. It was a rough two and a half years, but we loved each other She was living with her mother. I got an apartment We were young, you know And during the week she would stay home and I would leave the dealer at nine Three nights a week I actually went home changed Marinated the steak one in the garage lifted weights and then cook the steak either and I go to bed 1111 30 Before nights a week. I was pretty much fucking Come home with three margaritas in me

Go on my bedroom put pyjamas on get the coke out sneak a bottle in there And only come out to go to the bathroom because I had three other roommates Hmm at three I had a chick a little chubby chick that was beautiful a parent's own the printing shop I had a guy that was part of Toastmasters and I had a white guy that was just a creepy guy that one of the boat every day That's all he did. What'd you do? I went on the boat Where in the river? What are you doing? I didn't really talk to me. Yeah, I didn't go to the community room at night I sat in the back and I was tight with the redhead the redhead sold weed

So we kind of became tight. So I had a dog named Hercules so I had to go home and walk the dog every day and do that shit and One day new salesman came in and his name was Kent Vella Took I want to ask you two questions. Okay, you said ex-mother-in-law, right? You didn't even talk about Marriage yet, right? She you know, that's who she is. We'll get to that. We'll get copy that now She was the mother of the girl. I was dating at the time got it

I want to ask you about being a salesman because you said you were all in so you probably liked it You seem like you liked it at least love it, right? The parallels between I find that because I have a friend of mine It's a salesman between stand-up and salesman is so there are a lot of similarities like you got to get them Within that first six until you become a comedy salesman. You'll never become a comic That's right. You could write jokes or you want until you learn how to sell them You'll never become a comic and that's what happened with me I took my comedy my car learn how to sell and I wanted to go into the selling mode of it

Mm-hmm, you know, it's really different. So The the but it's an interesting blueprint to apply instead of try hey by this car It was the best thing that I ever did in my life. Fuck. Yeah, it gave me a purpose I went in there in the mornings. I did it. I watched the guy that was doing the best and I mimicked him and What does that mean? How you doing Lisa? I was going on. He was very nice to you. He pushed a little bit It's just something we could do today to get you out of that car. Well, my wife's not here There's your wife fucking, you know, you don't talk to him like that. These are white people involved

You couldn't break that ball. Yeah, you know, there's some people all I'll take a look at the numbers Okay, and there's some people let me come back and you bring them inside professionally sit them down and set an appointment with them I did all that stuff and when they gave me a card. I would call mr. Sayat, how are you tomorrow when you come in before you come in? What do you mean tomorrow? I remind you you have an appointment tomorrow one o'clock. I want you to have a question Prepared for me for the car. Like, you know, these are how you become a salesman if he comes in and looks at the car and gets a number

Next morning I come in I write a letter Yeah, yeah, back then back then when you hand read a letter. It's mean something Not like a letter that says dear and I put in Ryan and I signed it at the bottom. You know I'm saying No, no, no, so you had to do all those steps and I really believed in him and Subaru was great to work for The first two months was great to work for them

Then the third month it was great to work for them then things started going a little sour when you're a salesman The third month you sell cars the first two months because you're stupid You're stupid But then the third month now you believe you drink your own gin you drink your own juice And you go I saw like four cars my third month And it cracked me What did you think did you think you weren't good? Did you think shit changed? What was it this sort of fucking with you? It was just

Everything plus I was starting to do coke a lot there like it was known As a coke dealership like I still remember you said a coke dealer everybody was doing Like if they were if the manager did it the assistant manager did it if there was 12 salesmen 8000 did it You know it was two I remember like being there when it snowed Like in April one day it snowed and we were shoveling snow And we were all drinking a bottle of blackberry brandy like the manager one and got us all blackberry brandy And the whole day we worked all fucked up on blackberry brandy. I mean I did have

But I really believed in it. I wasn't stealing at the time I was the only sin I was doing was doing coke I was with my girlfriend on the weekends. I was with her from saturday to sunday night, you know She'd spend saturday night with me We'd do a little fucking tuturutes And then my behavior changed the third month I bought a car from them I

Said let me I go buy one of these fucking used cars at what what is it about? Did did did the state of Colorado because I feel like everybody's got a Subaru out there? Did they did is there a today's welcome Subaru in or something like that? It just works when you see They're everywhere happens. You could look at me and go. I hate that fucking Subaru Go to Colorado bring your car. Good luck. Yeah come see me in november when you're spending around the circus You get the four-wheel drive because your car's not that heavy. There's something it's just too much once you see it Once you see a car perform like that and that type of weather That stays with you forever

You know, I don't know how many times I saw Cadillac and the whole family's like, what are we doing? You're in your Subaru doing 90 up the hill Beep beep No for me Why would you buy a car if they were giving them up for free? Because I just wanted like a you could buy a car and flip them So I was like, maybe I'll flip this car. It was a little Toyota They wanted 1,500 bucks

But they took like 3,000 out of my check And I got pissed on a Saturday And I fucking got an ax handle and I wanted top one of the cars No, and I said I want my money. I'm gonna start breaking windshields in front of customers and shit And this guy came over Because I already had an eight ball on my mind. I already had an eight ball on my mind You can't do this to me. We got paid on a Saturday and the check was light and I had to pay rent But there wasn't enough for the eight ball. I already told the guy I was coming. He already had it

What do you mean you got money for the eight ball? It's a really weird dynamic with just what what's about to happen in my life When I'm screaming and yelling I'm gonna break the windshield Jim Wheeler, who's my brother comes out. He's like, Joey, you're reacting Peter Pinto who comes up says Joey. You're reacting. I was mad at Peter. I'm like, you lied to me on this fucking deal You told me 1,500. You didn't say nothing about $800 dealers Fucking tax and all this shit. And he's like, get off the car. We'll talk about I'm like, I'm not getting off the car How many people are out there you think?

30 people I will break this fucking glass Right now if I don't get my money and there was a guy If I was 24 This guy was about 40 to 48 Tough guy still built I could tell he came from something. I just didn't know what

We got into a misunderstanding one day over a customer At the last moment he came over and said And he gave me the guy's car and I'm like, what's this? And he goes, I talked to the guy two days ago I go, so you've been sitting there for two hours Seeing me work with the guy since the guy talked to you. You didn't jump in Now when the deal is done You want to throw your car and I took the car and I threw it back at him. I left don't work that way dog Eggers you did not disrespect me like that. I go, think about what you're doing to me

You're disrespecting me and he's like, you know, if you like that we could go outside and you want to fucking go outside And all of a sudden all hell broke loose All hell broke loose, you know, I didn't throw my hands. He didn't throw his I told him to relax, you know, I'll fuck you up. You guys went outside. There was a bunch of holding it back No, everybody held his back and went to the opposite corners That was it. We avoided each other for like two weeks Three weeks. We just avoided each other We cut a deal. I told him take 200 out. That's it. He agreed to it

and uh, that was it and In the middle of all this yelling and screaming that same guy Comes over and he goes joseph Joseph and I go what? And he goes, how much money do you need? 500 500 Get down

He peels off five he goes here Can I talk to you for a second, sir? And I go, yeah, and he goes I please advise you to go home You're gonna ruin it for us and we're not gonna send no cars here And you're not gonna send no cars in the condition you're in And I'm like, you're like a nosy motherfucker, aren't you? But you gave me a nickel. I'm not gonna argue with you. I can get like cocaine I'll take that 500 and your two cents and I'm gonna get the chocolate

Carlos Valverde drove me home And I went and got my coke and the whole thing more happened, but I don't want to talk like this was a wild day Carlos asked me to use the bathroom Two hours in the bathroom. He comes out la bomba down La bomb. Yeah, you know, he's deep into the la bomba powder And he leaves. I mean, I'm living and I'm surrounded so I go back Monday. I think we work out the car

You know what? I didn't need this in my life I had a buddy who worked down the corner at the chrysalis apartment store Let me go down there with him. Those are white people There's a holistus It's these two retarded brothers in the father fucking Drove down the town the stagecoach. So I'm supposed to be impressed

It's two retarded brothers They bought the first dodge dealership in town. Who do I give a fuck? I go down there. They're the nicest white people in the world. Can I just say this is what I love about you So far we have robbed jewelry stores. We have robbed gas stations now We're hustling auto dealer ships. You you said you seem to gravitate to one and then hustle the circuit You're like different seasons by the wire. I'm gonna be as honest to god with everybody When I was at bill crowd Subaru those first 90 days I took my job very seriously. I didn't steal nothing

I knew that the the lot boy was stealing. I smoked pop behind the building I mean that's not steal. I didn't call but I didn't do anything I really tried to turn my life around. Let's get that straight The ghost of cocaine was still calling me I still had little bits of anger from my stepdad but uh Nothing seriously nothing the addiction was the most important thing What it was becoming it was silent

I go over to Hollister I get the fucking appointment and I get the job I start working at Hollister. Maybe may 15th now your car salesman for dodge christler. You say I start working over there. Maybe june july dodge christler now dodge christler I sell christler And they sell dodge across the way I could sell I sell christler I could sell dodge if I have to but I don't want to go over that because they call themselves the dodge boys so

I didn't have time to fucking hang out with Oh the dodge boys You know what I'm saying? Oh, that's a good one. Lee That's garlic that's supposed to be wet so I go to work for the Hollister

And you know what happens to me over there, man? I meet a jewish guy That is one of the best jewish men I've ever met in my life. His name is art presley And art knew the science of selling He was a college graduate. He was from the Bronx He was a big fucking jew six foot whatever sloppy But when it came to selling he was a bad when he got up

If he got up off his desk You're buying a car He was intimidating and fucked you up not that he was he was intimidating. He was jewish But it had a sweetheart and only a jew would have There was two jews in that town like that. There was him and dr. Mazzalca Dr. Mazzalca was a big-ass jew that delivered babies And he was from the Bronx. He was from the Bronx Him and his wife were both doctors in the same house calls and shit. No, no, no, no, they delivered babies

But they were pediatricians, but they They were a team The wife was like this model And then the husband was a guy like me, but only six or four Had 50 pounds and he would walk in and go hey, you gained some weight this month And you everybody wanted to have a baby with Mazzalca Because he had saved a child one time when a woman was dying So people actually scheduled their kids so they can have Mazzalca take their kids out

That's how busy his practice was so We're getting to that later right now. Let's leave it. But it was art presley had that gift When art presley got up, I don't care what you were apart I don't care if you wanted Your payment to be 350. He was getting you for 480. I don't know how he did it And he started showing me how to do it But art presley also had a vice He sold coke. I can't get away

He sold it. I can't get away from He made a call He made he used to make a call and the guy would come But the business was so good At that job that he just used to have the guy come and drop an ounce off And each salesman would take an eight ball. He was fucking crazy There was four salesmen One kid was a great kid from like south dakota

I used to burn him on weed. He used to buy weeds with me and I used to spray water at it and make it heavier Then they get back to south dakota was like a pound less Pound less People would be getting back hands. The indians would be smacking them Then there was another guy that looked like lee harvey oswald That he was kind of creepy. He would get so coked up He would people would bang on his window. Sir, sir. Can you help us with a car and he'd go go away? Go away

That's how coked up he would get but there was this one guy that was a coke fiend Super salesman and it was me against him every fucking month And I would beat him by Witches tit What's your uh, like what kind of number are you doing on a month like that? Are you in the teens like what's at that place? If you sold 10 cars, you were a fucking superstar. Yeah a month. That was a free car a car bonus After seven cars, it was free

And every car after that was 500 but it was a mom and pop store closed at eight. Yeah People went in there you couldn't really press room But 120 cars a year out of that's what you got to pull if you're doing 10 a month I was pulling like six grand the month over there. I wasn't getting rich and after taxes. I really wasn't getting rich guys But it was good money for a fucking 24. Yeah. Yeah, it was great money. I dressed nice. I looked nice I felt good about myself, but I started that monkey on my back And then I started wiring the place I had my buddy come into town

And I got him a job on the lot on the lot and he started fucking You know Terrorized and like me and him were just this is what we did You get both of us together in your business your business is done Your business is done Vice august I was I'm snorting up a storm Um, the kid robbed the super salesman

He started selling coke because art didn't want to sell it no more But rob Would snort it and leave it in the office. He would hide it And I would watch where he'd hide it So I'd buy coke from him and then At six in the morning when service opened I would shoot down there Running the office going to ceiling Take coke off from every package put aspirin powder in there

Close them up and put them back in the ceiling. You can't imagine this I did this to him for like a month On top of that I was pulling the poor a torture chamber around him. What's that? He used to love He always believed he sold more cars when he had a red Parker pen There was a mall across the street that sold pens things remembered And I forgot the way how to rob them. I would go over your shit engraved and all that go over there and get it Ask them how to get a cross pen and then they would open the thing They would open it

They would open the thing and they'd walk away and I'd steal all the pens. I mean I was crazy At this place I went crazy. I got the key to the soda machine It was my own personal ATM. I would go in and just steal the change And the guy would leave cash He would leave cash for the change like 200 dollars. I would take the 200 It was we were running a muck over there. I mean I was totally out of control I was selling weed to the indians every saturday I was buying it from the creepy guy at the strip at the body shop. Okay, the white guy. So

This goes on over there at At this fucking thing. We go into september We're I remember the twins doing the world series or something like that the twins. Yeah at that year 87 maybe The twins are in the world series somebody somebody weird I remember I started the world series there The cocaine got so bad there That the general manager came up and said I got to break this ring up

you guys a way below average like Whatever the fuck is going on up here We were four guys that did not want to talk to people. We were either up in the night before Or we were just getting blasted. I mean there was a room there That they had coffee and cookies if you went in the cabinet they had every type of booze there It became a really toxic place for me. I was living on jack jack jack in the box Seafood and crab salad

Jack in the box used to have a a seafood and crab salad I thought I was eating that and I was healthy. It was horrible Who was one of the twinkies in there 87 god damn it Joey hands 87 was twins against the cardinal There you go. You bad motherfuckers because the indian kid was cheering for the twins from minnesota because he's from south dakota So all this shit's going on and I don't know what happened I got into I really can't I don't know what happened people Next thing, you know, I get into an argument with them and my phone rings. It's my buddy Jim Wheeler He goes what's going on down there

And I go, you know, I'm doing my thing. You know, and he goes listen Joey Peter Pinto is gone Wayne means is here now. It's a different organization They've been talking about you know, what do you need? You need a little something to come over I go ask him to give me a nickel And I'll be over there tomorrow and I went up to heart like a man I told him I'm going to build crowds and he told me he goes you're making a mistake Joey We're going to clean this up over here

We're going to expand the dodge. Don't leave. Don't go to build crowds. They're fucking crazy over there I go there making eight nine ten grand a month I'm over here if I'm here nine to nine making five grand It's a no brain. I get it. It's a different type of store There's some people who like that mom and pop feeling. I need action Once I'm down for two hours. I'm done I need to talk to people at nine when people are dropping their car off the service as they're walking out What are you doing here? Oh nothing. I'm getting a certain amount. What year?

And you start talking to them And that's how you saw the car Because that guy you talked to you didn't pressure him When you say anything you like nah, I like my car a lot. Yes. Subarus are great. That's a tremendous car But next time you come looking for a car. That's for the cuban So I go back to Build crowd Subaru and it is The beginning of november of 1987

It is a rock fest Within the first three fucking days I made two thousand dollars. I mean it is It was me this guy named storm and normal wet now Storm and normal that was in the halfway house For what what he was he did something He was one of the best salesmen I ever saw in my life

Storm and Norman sold the first car of the day every day Like before I got there like Joey, what do you see this guy? Like he just got out of the jail watch This guy's got like nine kids watch his magic But when he was in the halfway out, this is so weird to see Because I even dropped him off at the halfway house a few nights In a few nights I do bumps with him and I go aren't you worried they're gonna catch any go I got all set up

He would get a hot water bottle with real piss And tie it to his body with a hose And and then take the hose and scotch tape it to his dick And he let the hose open up I mean he had a cap on it. He knew one day we're gonna test them I'm like, you're fucking nuts. You go you do all this to get high And he this is what he did, you know So it was november of 87

I'm getting fucked up and one day I pop up and who's there that kid can't go That I met before a good-looking young kid Coke fiend him and this guy named Tom Ohm Were fucking all day Like when I worked with them as soon as you got that 830 at a sales meeting

By nine one of them was in the car going to a liquor store And they'd mix and they'd be out there with cups You think they were drinking coffee? They were drinking martinis You know, so I'm working with some heavy-duty fiends, but Jim Wheeler had my back. He was I reported directly to him It was a liner closed the store But I closed my own deals with Jim that was part of my deal

And this Wayne means guy Was a great fucking guy But guess who else was there The dude who gave me the 500 He was still working there And me and him had still had kind of weird feelings So It's like my second day's back

Third day fifth day back I sold I made two thousand dollars in five days And I get there one morning and who's there but Kent They go he goes you remember me. I go hey, yeah, what's happened? Where are you been? He goes, oh You have no idea and at that time I used to read the boulder paper And there was a lot of drug things going on A lot of weird cocaine shit. Some guy jumped off a balcony

The cops were knocking on his door. He jumped off the balcony and he broke he broke both legs uh a Cuban kid They his body disappeared from the University of Boulder campus Uh, they can't this car was blood splattered They couldn't find the details of what was going on And I read about this crazy guy that escaped from a fucking escaped from a hospital or something like that and

So I'm talking to this fellow guy and I go so where you been He goes I had to go to Arizona for a few months. I had a little problem here I go what was the problem? He goes well, I got a DUI And I crashed the car and when they took me to the hospital I broke into the pharmacy Stolen a bottle of liquor cocaine and pills and ran out of there and they caught me

So now they got me on these charges. I'm gonna have to do time And I go Phelps all you're gonna have to do is like six or a year. It's no big deal He's like fuck that. They're not putting me in jail You know and I put me in jail. I got a fucking idea. So that was I go, you know What kind of idea how the fuck are you gonna get out of jail if you don't pay an attorney? You just started here. You haven't sold any cars. What is your due date? And he's telling me what his due date is blah blah blah And then november of 87 was when the stock market crashed

Okay, so we went from selling a bunch of cars to dead and still Storm and Norman were selling the car a day a day The world crashed look at the stock market crash of 87. What was the date? So that happened and we were all in the lot So there was a lot of desperation on the lot So

this veligai That same morning when I get there and I meet him and he says I After about a half hour I'll cover 20 seconds. Yeah. So right there. It was terrible. Like I went over there Worked for about a week and then it just went downhill And then valor came over the homeboy still banging one a day out right one day out. So now I'm sitting there with homeboy and He says to me can you give me a ride?

Real quick. I have to get some I go, why can't you ride? He goes because I got no driver's license He goes when I sell a car, I have to split with everybody. So you'll be my partner On every car deal, which was nice because now I get you know, and I'll take him So I get a car and I get where you guys going. He needs to go to the post office So I had a p.o box But next to it was a liquor store It was 9 15 the morning gentlemen

That motherfucker went into the liquor store Came out with a bottle of vodka and started drinking it like it was fucking coffee Takes out this cocaine And gives me a blast of it and it's super duper fucking coke And we go back to the dealership and he's telling me about You know Can you get a bit of any coke and I'm like, you know, I could do whatever I could do I could do okay selling coke And he goes I got this guy the guy I'm staying with

He goes my I go, what is your plan? How are you gonna get out of jail? He goes, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna steal a coke from my roommate to sell on the street Excuse me Make enough money and go to arizona and hide out And I go Kent. That's not a good idea because there's a thing called a warrant. Yeah, they're gonna It's not hard to find you know, it's 87 not 1927. So I asked him I go, how much coke are you talking about? And he goes like two keys And right away

My shit goes right up and I'm like This guy's going down I'll never forget like talking to him And going in and I could use long distance at the dealership. I knew the code On the phones, yeah And I still remember calling my buddies in jersey and them telling me what they're doing The parties they're having on the mark mountain they're getting fucked up That one night they were getting chased by cops

And they threw coke out the window And the next day they went back and there was a bunch of dig deer that were dead eating the coke And I'm like, what the fuck are you guys talking about? And they're like, what the fuck are you doing with your life in colorado? Get back You're missing a party with snorting every fucking night. Nobody's got jobs We're all getting taken care of. I'm like, fuck it. I'll be on the next plan and I'm coming with a package I'm gonna rob this fucking guy

So I take this guy home that night And I'm milking him for more information I'm like, how much money are you looking for the two kilos? And he's like, I don't know what he told me, you know And I go, you know what? I know a guy So I ran home I ran back to the dealership and I called my buddy God rest his soul, Darren Raido and I go, Darren I got a pigeon, bro. If you come out here, we could take this motherfucker down and It's two kilos. It's pure

And he tells me goes cocoa. I can't I got this job Because this was like a rush job This is like we're going in like in two days We gotta do this. So I go home that night and my buddy was living with me. He was my brother. He's my best friend I know his mother. I know his grandmother. They took me in their house I could ask him to do it But I didn't feel right. I didn't want to I don't like taking people down dark streets

If that's what you want to do I'll give you work But I'm not going to talk Lee into robbing a bank. That's not fair to Lee. I'm not that type of person I've never been that type of person If Lee comes to me and he goes Joey, I want to fuck 10 hookers and get my balls licked I go, do you have $2,000? And he'll go, no, I'll go. Well, I do know a place Where there's $3,000 and if you help me rob it, I'll give you the two to get your balls Yeah, right if Lee goes if you could do that. I can make that happen. Let's go take this motherfucker down. I was one of those guys

Oh, you need that. Okay. Well, if you need this, I'm the type of guy that I know where there's five grand But you got to go home and get your your mop or a knife. You got to do something It's very helpful. You got to earn your keep. You got to be a half a lookout. You got to kick somebody in the stomach You got to do something so half a look out. Yeah, you got to be a half a look I work with a half a lookout so I dropped this fellow off and I go home and I'm banging my head off the wall Of how I'm gonna rob this guy because no matter what I'm gonna have to show him

Some cash I got a flash If he's looking for 40 or 30, I got a flash 10 of them for him to open up And then I'll just take the kilo and the 10 back You know I'm saying like, you know me. I'll work it one way or the other So I'm banging my head for two fucking days How the fuck And he's bringing coke to work and this coke is electric it's real

1987 powder You know just beautiful. You could smell it before you walked in the room I mean, it was just perfect. I could have cut it and made a fucking payday with it The girl I'm dating at the time We're not doing so good We've been together four years, but the relationship was a little stale since she moved in with her mother The first three years of our relationship. We were together all day

Now we're like Ah, you know We see each other twice during the week And then we mess around on the weekends But it was usually drug related. We start getting high saturday night You know, it was kind of weird. She was graduating from some like Head cutting salon and I didn't go to the graduation. I was too busy selling cars So we didn't talk for like two or three days

And in those two or three days I figured out that the only guy that was gonna help me Rob this fucking Vella guy Was the goofy guy With the motorcycle and the people. Yeah He got a starter kid. So I go to him And I kind of tell him what's going on. He's like that's perfect Because I was looking for a big heist

I go what are you looking for a house or whatever he goes? No And right here, I should have known I should have shot myself He goes nah He goes there's this stripper. I'm in love with A name is jennifer. I don't know if her name was jennifer guys. I'm just using a name here He tells me a name is jennifer or whatever or that He's got a problem. She's living on his he's he's she's living in his house She's living in his bedroom

But he's sleeping on the couch Because she wants to be with him But she can't Because she's catholic And she's still married And until she gets divorced she can't be with him Wait a second. You met her at an all nude BYO be all nude and the woman was gorgeous. Let's not get me wrong yet. I would cut somebody's finger off of this

Okay, I've never heard anybody say some of these finger was coming off of this broad. She was beautiful Big tates nice juicy ass. She was beautiful. It's half spanish white Just a knockout. She was she was working this poor fucking idiot So he goes i'm in i'm in i'm robbing with you So we set it up For the following tuesday like all weekend i'm stalling them He's like you gotta get a buyer. You gotta get a buyer. I gotta buy But i'm i'm making them come i'm telling them i got the indians from south dakota

They're gonna send somebody down Give me till tuesday Till tuesday tuesday And the whole weekend went by he's calling me one of them and i'm going over there picking up Give me a little gram on the um till tuesday until the indians come nobody'll know nothing And he's stealing from his roommate the whole fucking thing And tuesday comes tuesday morning comes i got a call from tidwell That was the idiot with the car and the dogs his shit

And he goes my mother owns a house On 28th street it's vacant Bring them over there We'll Get him to bring the coke Before i flash the money I'll rob the bothies and handcuff bothies And then i'll leave and then i'll split the money with you

I like the idea But i didn't I don't want to get handcuffed with nobody. There was no cell phones in those days And also just don't trust anybody and i just knew that this guy Something wasn't right. So i wake up that morning november tuesday the 18th 1987 I got a dental appointment like tomorrow at nine in the morning. I got a dental appointment. Look at my tooth. That's my cocaine tooth I

Did that yeah, it cracked the other day. That was me original cocaine tooth when i stopped doing coke that tooth was black And i went to the dentist this fucking jewish guy in bevelly hills He wanted 2000 just went to walk in he was one of those dentists because he was like jamie lee curtis Yeah, right somebody like thought like that's a dentist i needed i asked a friend like do you have a dentist? Yeah, he's in bevelly hills what there's none in the valley so this guy Told me he goes your little cocaine tooth. He knew it's gonna cost like 25 000. I'm like i'm like i don't have 25 000

I go uh He goes what do you have it's like three days before christmas. I go 500 And he goes i'm gonna put a cap on it. It's only gonna last for about six months Well, it lasted 13 years did it really it fell off during fucking covet I'm walking. I can't even smile. I'm thankful for the fucking mask I look like hill billy joe walking around so I fucking uh

Set it up for tuesday at one o'clock In the afternoon the plan was I go pick him up. He gets the blow brings it We walk in he robs us He takes the coke He goes to a certain spot We walk out of there when I get home I call tidwell and we split the take That was the plan

I did not like it. I felt I was like I cheated somewhere another So I go let me figure. Let's see how we could do this Maybe I could get to this before this So I call veller he tells me to pick him up I go to his house and the funny thing is that when I pull up in front of his house I make a mental note that He lives across from the halfway house From bctc where I used to drive normal let it night

Okay, this is fucking weird. This is how weird life is I even made a mental note he's right there by storm and Norman So I go upstairs it's about 12 and they have to 12 o'clock I walk in I give him a hug. He's already jazzed up this kid had been up for like three days He goes you want to align? Yeah We go in the room we do a line he opens up the draw and he shows me the bottom of a grinder But it's pretty much filled

Next to the grinder. There's about 2000 and cash And next to the cash There's a baggy with like a loose ounce And I go where the kilo's Where the kilo's at and he goes the kilo's Are in the ceiling in the living room You have to push up the ceiling tile and then get the kilo

He goes it's in the middle. So what I'm going to do is Is just take a sample So right there. I'm fucked I go no, you got to bring it all this guy wants to buy it all. He just don't want to sample He goes no, I'm going to give him a nice eight ball sample that's in here And there's still a baggy here. That's an ounce Because he went in there and did a couple bumps first and it was all rocky. It was close to an ounce

So He closes the draw And I'm like, I'm already fucked I hope that tidwell is smart enough That when he gets down there, he could flash the cash And we come back and rob this fucking guy once and for all So me and vella getting my car We drive down to fucking uh

Whatever's place Now for sake of argument, I could I could you know I have a weapon in the trunk That I had had from 85 in aspen when I was buying guns. I always kept one nine millimeter I didn't plan on using it. There was nothing I walked into the house with Tidwell first of all, there's no fucking furniture I'm like walking into the Irishman

He might as well put plastic on the floor So He comes out with his fucking pit bull. Why is the pit bull here? Oh, please like did you bring the stuff and we're like, yeah show him kent Kent shows him the coke and he fucking pulls out A gun Immediately immediately immediately

And then Frozen machine gun at me. Yeah, and he goes joey tie him up. So now I'm the bad guy Oh, now you just threw me into the shit you dumb motherfucker So the kids looking at me like what's going on here? I go Listen, we're taking that coke You know how to break the bad news to him. He's like you can't I need that. I'm gonna go to jail. I'm like, listen We're taking that code So this is the dude you've worked with all this time and everything. Yeah, so you were taking the coke. I'm sorry

It was just You know, so for me, I'm getting the kilo I could do a lot with a kilo I could I could sell 10,000 For me, I was gonna get 10,000 and snort the rest And let the pieces floor where the fuck they made jack. I got 10,000 cash. I don't give a fuck 10,000 to me in those days is gonna be a million dollars. So He uh, throws me the gun, you know

But they but originally the plan was you're a hostage also. You don't know nothing Not like that. I say face and the whole thing Fucking weird situation So now this is where it gets tricky, you know, it's in court documentation So I'm not saying nothing out of line For you people who are waiting for me to say something out of line Tidwell goes I'm gonna go to his house and check it out I go

Going to draw And that's where the coke is at. I didn't tell him nothing about the ceiling Okay I didn't say nothing about the ceiling for a reason We take Val into the room. We tie him up. We gag him and we put the pitball in the room with him We tell him not to fucking move And the whole time he's like joey. Why are you doing this to me? I feel terrible till this day This is why I did what I did for that kid

So This fucking jerk off comes back and he goes man, I didn't find anything in that drawer. I just found 300 hours in an eight ball You're lying to me There was an ounce of coke and two thousand eighteen on lala something like that something, you know, 30 fucking years ago. What do I know? So I go really That's what you're trying to tell me I go well, I saw a fucking ounce And I saw two thousand dollars

He goes, let the took that that's not what was in the drawer. I'm telling you right now. I go really Well, I'm gonna go over then take a look And he goes, what am I gonna do with him? I go, I don't know you created this fucking problem And as I walked to the door he like clicked the gun He's like if you leave i'm gonna be i'm gonna have to shoot him and shoot you I knew this guy couldn't hurt himself. This guy was trying to be a man worse than anything else in his life And I remember looking at him going you're not gonna shoot nobody dog and I went out of that fucking car

And I had a gun in the trunk And I go, you know what I should do because this is not gonna end good But I look at the situation Look at what the fuck situation i'm in. This is not gonna end good The only way this ends is by me shooting both these motherfuckers In a residential area at one o'clock in the afternoon of boulder colorado Ah, yeah, I'm like this This is and i'm sitting out there. I popped the trunk

I fucking pick up the carpeting. I actually took the gun. I looked at it for a minute And and something made me think of my mother Something like this is not I go, let me go south. It's just fucking dead And I got in that fucking car made a u-turn I shot over there like a bat out of hell And they had like a kind of half a fag door man like hi welcome to the hotel The Regency house. Who are you going to see? And then he would buzz him

When I got out of the car, you could tell my body language He didn't even ask like he just opened the fucking door And I went in I got on the elevator. I went to the door I didn't even use the key. I just kicked the fucking door down. I was so fucking furious That I had let myself be taken now I got to get whatever pieces I can and get the fuck out of dodge I kicked the fucking door down I went in the draw. There was nothing there

And I'll never forget they had like a coffee thing in the living room I moved the fucking table out of the way and I jumped up like a gorilla that I am I was about 220 at the time and I grabbed on to the whole ceiling And I just pulled it the fuck all down Half of it came down. There was dust and all of a sudden you just heard poof And it was two fucking rocks of coke One had been broken into already with a little bit of a seal was taped back on I grabbed those motherfuckers. I looked around I put them in a bag

I ran downstairs when I walked out in the hallway. There was three people on the hallway Like what happened? I'm like, I don't know I just walked past them. I don't know his point I fucking went downstairs And I'll never forget just walking out in the door man seeing me And me just I remember I parked my car away I had to walk a little bit, but I walked past the halfway house And I'm like fuck

And there's a newspaper stand on the other edge of the halfway house I put the cocaine on the bottom ledge Whenever you got buying newspapers now and then you open it up. Look at the bottom ledge That's what old school drug dealers used to do drugs No, shit. So the old school where you could put a quarter in and open the door you could take all the papers That's the way I hit the bottom ledge All right, I'm just gonna go pay to see one now So I hit the coke in the bottom ledge

I ran home I called the buddy of mine and I told him warm up a car Get a car. You gotta go to Aspen. I called a friend of mine and asked me And I said can you still move coke tonight? He goes I can move whatever you bring me I go you got two kilos on the way or one and a half Send me this number whatever number you could send me. I knew when we was a dear friend of mine And within an hour they could edit the coke on the way to Aspen. I had gone back

and taken like 17 grams out of the bag And then I went home And I was like, what the fuck do I do now? I have to wait for this guy to go to Aspen And I don't know what's gonna happen with these two fucking idiots probably sickly. You can't write this shit. You can't You cannot write that's why I'm sitting here listening on the edge of my seat every episode my buddy goes to fucking comes back from uh Whatever work and he goes how to go

Because he knew it was gonna happen. I just didn't want him involved How was your day? And I said it wasn't it didn't go too good. This is what happened I go you want a line of coke? He's like, sure. So we started doing a couple lines and also near On the door and I looked the window it's it's fucking to do with the pit bull And I go, what do you want? He's out now Yeah, he you know, he I left him at his house. Yeah with the fella in the room with the dog. I don't know what happened

This is four hours later He knocks on my door. He's like, I need to talk to you I go, what do I do? He goes, what do I do with him? I go, I don't know It's your fucking problem He goes, that's my fucking mother's house. You know what happens if I got arrested my mother says I don't know You should have thought of that before you tried to rob me. He goes, I didn't rob me. That's all that was there was 200 I'm telling you right now. That's all that was there He goes, you don't understand I need 10 000 to get fucking married

If I get that money, she'll divorce the guy and I get mad. I'll never forget looking at him going This poor fucking bastard. This is all over some pussy. This is all over for pussy He's like, I need this fucking money. I told I'd have the money tonight She's going to the attorney tomorrow. She could file for divorce tomorrow afternoon And I could be fucking her in three months Once the divorce is over, I need this fucking money And then he goes, well, you you got to do me a fucking favor I know these guys. I got two blocks of hash to stand out of hotel

Get your gun. Let's go over and I go. Do you not understand it's over? I go, where's kent? He goes, he's in the trunk of a car He goes, I'm gonna take him down the fucking the bus station and put him on the bus I go, I suggest you get going. He goes, you're coming with me. I ain't gonna know where I ain't gonna fucking know where and I think if the truth was I pulled my piece on him I think that I finally go dog. Get the fuck off my thing Don't ever fucking come on this lot again Make believe you never fucking know me

I went back inside and my girlfriend went home. She knew something was going on Fucking that night I went across the street for dinner. I got the trout almond dean It was the special Like 695 a big potato I got the trout almond dean and kent's in the trunk right now The guy's in the truck and I'm like, I'm gonna go hungry Hold on, look up trout almond dean. I have never even heard of that shit. I want to know what's in it That's colorado shit

I want to know what's in it I just love to hear the same level of excitement from those There's tons of trout in colorado so you got to make it all different What's the sauce? What's all of it? What is that? Trout almonds. It's like an almond dean Yeah, man What the fuck do you think you're dealing with? God, that sounds good, man

I'm international We got lake trout in Baltimore. We don't have no trout almonds Speaking of Baltimore, Jimmy Seafood Yeah The best, the goods The best seafood out there, no doubt See, it's mainly almonds Yeah

Let's see if I can find the recipe here That does sound good, man. I've never had that. Trout with almonds, huh? There was a bar across the street And that was the special night. It was like trout almond dean Or a fucking skinny steak with AIDS It says it's butter, shallots, lemons, and almonds That sounds delicious And they give it to you without the head

Just the skin. You just eat the skin Fucking delicious You understand me? Spray that up Spray it up Do most criminals have trout almond dean for the night? No, I just decided I had trout almond dean There's a guy in a truck right now, he's having trout almond dean

I went back to the house I stopped at the lake of straw and went back to the house I knew I had a dilemma I knew I had, I knew that something was not going to go right And I went home and I proceeded to snort that coke line by line And drink And at some point I just passed out from mental exhaustion and worrying myself to death Even after that coke and everything, you must have been wiped out

I was wiped out I knew that this was not going to be good Somewhere along the line is going to bite me in the ass And sure enough, the next thing I wake up to And I look out the window like that You know, I could look out the window without them knowing And it was the kid who detailed cars now at Subaru And he had a name, I forget what his name was

Which one, the lead guy? Not Lester the molester He had like a different name, like fucking Blazin' Brett Hazen Nah, that was his sales name That was his name He was a detailer But he was Blazin' because we used to give him coke

So he would wash like 18 cars in 10 minutes Blazin' Brett Hazen I love Blazin' Brett Hazen Good white dude, solid, solid family He just snored a coke from Ding to Dong At 9 o'clock, he'd be out there and be 30 degrees He'd be washing cars with no shirt on 30 degrees

I told him, but he's out there no shirt on That's how coked up he is He don't even feel the weather He's out there sprinkling water and shit Blazin' Brett Hazen knocks on my door I go, Brett, what's going on? He goes, open the door He goes, man, I hate to be the Brad Bad News

But at work right now, they've got to place around There were cops They're looking for you, they've got something happened And I call you serious He goes, yeah, they're trying to get your address right now And Wayne means to stall them They're all fucking stalling them right now But here's the weird thing

That the night before the day I went to the dentist You know that dude that gave me the 500 bucks And we never talked I was standing outside It had to be about 715 And the sun was setting Same guy you said you're a nosy motherfucker on that one I just didn't like him

He was older But I knew he deserved respect I just, at that age, I wasn't going to give it to him I thought he was a shithead for what he did Trying to cut it on my deal And at that, in those days, I used to take that type of shit personally Don't hit me with that If it's your deal for real

Then the guy would ask for fucking Ryan Okay, you're not going to show up at the end That was his kind of shit It was like joke stealing, you know It was one of the taboos of the business And he was going to pull it on me So I felt I didn't have to talk to him But maybe a night or two before I did that

Kiddi is crying I was standing outside by myself And he came up to me And he goes, hey, do you have a minute? And I remember, you know, like somebody asking if you have a minute when you hate them I go, yeah, what's up? And he goes, I don't know if you know this But before I came to work here

I was the entertainment director at a casino in Las Vegas I booked everybody Have you ever considered doing stand-up comedy? This is the guy And I'm like, are you fucking serious? That's the advice you have for me So I should become a stand-up comic He's like, you're a stand-up comic

And I was like, thank you for that And I didn't take it with a grain of fucking salt And now I've been looking up my fat You know, his name comes in and out Like I should have wrote it down, but I didn't That was the first time somebody was like So here's this guy that does not like me And I'm not crazy about him

Comes up to me one night and tells me That I should be doing stand-up comic That he knows for sure Dude, you don't even, same And he pushes you on the path He pushes me out How about that, man? That's crazy

Isn't that crazy? So Blaise and Brett Hazen on my doorstep And he goes, the cop's gonna be in about eight minutes Get everything you need So that night I had finished a coke I took the fucking scale I had I already knew Anything coke related

I put in two bags and I walked in one direction I walked the dog and I dumped it behind the supermarket And then I walked an extra half mile Coked up and walked up behind another guy's personal garbage I went home, the house was clean Wiped down the table, vacuumed Sprayed Lysol There was no residue or cocaine, nothing

I knew the cops were gonna come It was just a matter of when Sure enough, he goes, you gotta go Thank God I fucking showered Like I fucking showered, got dressed And as I was walking up the corner The cops are coming down my block with their lights on How many of them?

Two cop cars and one detective car They pulled up in my house, they approached slowly You know, they knocked on the door You're watching this I'm watching this They knocked on the door Where are you, are you hiding or are you just I'm across the street at the supermarket behind a beam

And they can't see me I'm watching them behind the beam They're peeking out from behind a beam at the supermarket They didn't kick my door open or anything They just walked around the premises They couldn't walk on the one side Cause the dog was back there So I didn't want them to shoot my dog or nothing like that

So I watched them all go to the front, talk And then two cop cars left And they left a cop car outside To see if I would come home So I called the girl Me and her on the outside, you're not going to believe this The cops are looking for me, you've got to help me And she's like, Jesus, fucking Christ

Where are you, I go, I'm at Rouse on Not Rouse King's Supers That's the supermarket chain I go, King's Supers on blah, blah, blah And she goes, okay, give me about 25 minutes I'll meet you in the front, lay low So I'm watching these fucking cops and I reach

And I'm like, where's my weed? And in those days I was getting weed sent out Bullet-tie weed, chocolate-tie weed God, I'm mad, yeah And I've had it out in New York I was like, fuck this, I walked all the way around I jumped the fence behind my house And I went in my back door, the cops never even knew it

Come on I went in, I got my weed, my pipe on my back And the guys still sitting out there They're out there drinking, talking about fucking How they arrested Jesse James and all this shit And here's a fucking 25-year-old I was 24 Sneaking behind the house, boom

My girlfriend picked me up and she goes, we're lucky Because my parents went away for the week So we could just go up there, you have no excuses Like it all worked out So I went up there on a Wednesday And then Thursday I was kind of bored And I would go down there, I don't call my buddy

I had his job And ask him what's going on And he would tell me the cops were snooping around They're looking for you There's an article on the paper about it That there's one guy they're looking for still So I was like, fuck So he did pinch the other dude, they got him?

Yeah, how they arrested him was He was driving without his headlights on That's always something stupid They got pulled over and they heard the guy in the trunk Kicking and fucking moaning Wait, he didn't get pulled over He got pulled over with the dude in the trunk Not just some shit like

Nah, come on My story is God written He forgot to put that Only Steve fucking Martin could write the story I was involved with a complete ninkampoo He was an idiot, this guy He was driving with his headlights off with a guy in the trunk When the cop asked him for license of registration

All you heard was It was like good fellas, let me out Tommy, I know you Tommy, I know you, I know you all my life So here's the funny story The victim never mentioned my name The victim said, ratted Tidwell out Tidwell ratted me out

So it's Thursday night I'm bored to pieces Jim Wheeler kept telling me to watch Above the Law With Steve Seagal I had just come out Tremendous Stephen Seagal movie You've never seen Stephen Seagal That is a good scene

Yeah, he's a joke today But his first three movies were tremendous That one being tremendous I rented that another movie that was hot at the time That I had never watched before Called Lethal Weapon Lethal Weapon was hot off the presses So I went to get weed

And I went to the video store And it was across the street from the Kmart Where I used to rob Years later, I used to rob the seats There were three phone boots I went to the phone booth And I, because my friend said, the detective left his car Do you want his number?

And I go, yeah, I'll write it So I called the detective up And they said, who is this Joey Diaz? Hold on They would put me on hold to trace the call And I would hang up And I'd call back and then hang up And I'd call back and then hang up

I'd call back and then hang up And finally, they're like, I'm detective, whatever And I'm like, what's going on? He goes, listen, I need to talk to you It's not important It's just a few questions And let's just get this figured out And I go, all right

And he goes, where are you? And I look up And I'm about to say, Kmart But this is in Albertsons About 400 yards from me I go, I'm at Albertsons And he goes, wait for us, we'll be right there And I hang up the phone

And not three minutes later I see a cop car dashing into Albertsons With his lights on I'm seeing all these cops come in there And I'm seeing them get out of their cars And run into Albertsons with that gun I'm in my car rowing the joint Watch them

It's not an option thing You're not nervous at all? I'm like, I'm dead What are you gonna do, cross the street? They didn't trace the call I didn't give them enough time I was on the clock, Jack I know exactly when that phone clicks

And you're using all three of them? Yeah, I'm using all three of them I was a bad motherfucker Oh, yeah So when I saw all those cops I was like, this ain't a game They're gonna fucking get me So I went home to my girlfriend

I told her what I had seen And we agreed on turning myself in There was only a problem I had a big fucking problem On that night, Miami Vice, Don Johnson was marrying Sheena Easton You were a huge man It was the wedding I'm a huge Miami Vice fan

I'm waiting for this fucking wedding I'm getting a grandma blow I'm getting Chinese food I'm fucking my girlfriend And I'm gonna celebrate the wedding My man Crockett is gonna marry Sheena fucking Easton on national TV I got a fucking dilemma here

Lee, you think you're retarded? This is real retardation I was like, I got the cops looking for me And I'm worried about a wedding Not even a real wedding Not even a real wedding I mean, Miami Vice wedding A imaginary wedding

That's to let people know You know, like when you guys on Patreon I'm 24, I don't know what to do Let me tell you what, I was going to 24 I was going to imaginary cocaine weddings I'm the guy you want to listen to I've done everything stupid in the world I didn't even tell you what happened here

And after I ate that pill I found the pill on the floor Yeah, no, it wasn't a joke cap This was a fucking boogaloo pill and I ate it Had a rough night that night I fell asleep on my wife twice Like talking to her She's like, where are you going?

I got it She goes, you fell asleep talking to me Anyway, I know I'm in trouble But I got this wedding I'm going to say it like he's really going I don't know if I'm going to be like the best man In your head or something I got this wedding together

You're going to watch Elvis's Alligators Is he there? So I said, fuck this I'll turn myself in by nine I'll talk to him I'll talk about this You mean nine a.m. on Saturday morning So you can watch Friday night

Because if I remember correctly Wasn't my everybody's Friday night at 10 p.m. Was it nine? Nine at ten Yeah, yeah I go, if I go in at nine and talk to him I'll be home by eight So I go down there

I give my wife, my ex-wife, my girlfriend at the time I give her like 40 bucks So I go, remember, pick up my food young Walk fried rice I should be up there by eight I'll call you, you can pick me up I'll take the bus up or whatever You know, and I remember going up to police station

Going to the white detective coal eyes office You know, like it's up there And I remember going up there And there was nobody standing outside There was a buzzer I'm like And they're like, who is it? And I'm like, Joey Diaz, they're like, hold on

Okay, come in And when I open the door Every cop in that office Is holding a gun Really? Get on your knees, get on your knees And also they come out Mr. Diaz, you're arresting for kidnapping one

Kidnapping two, aggravated robbery Put your hands behind your neck But is there somebody you want to talk to? You know, they read me the right way Are you freaking out at that point? No, I'm like What are you arresting me for? I didn't do nothing

I fucking helped you guys I took a fucking drug deal off the streets I'm a superhero Why are you treating a superhero like this? Superheroes lives matter I'm a feminist How quickly did you think about the wedding though? Are you, do you realize like, oh shit

I ain't gonna see this wedding There's no DVR back then I'm not the fucking dropping on these But you still have the VCR You have the VCR, you have the set-up Yeah, you have the set-up Yeah, you have the set-up So, I turned myself in at 9.15

And they're like, do you want to talk to us? Absolutely, I'll tell you whatever you want to hear And they asked me what I knew When I gave them like a half-ass version And then I would just tell them stories They would tell you, I got my driver's license Test in Colorado And they're like, what?

And they're like, what does this have to do with that? I'll never forget telling them that story And they're like, that's great Okay, can we get back to this? So when did you last see Kent Vella? And I go, I didn't see Kent Vella Were you didn't see him at the house? No, I saw him before

He said he was going to Arizona on a trip I was just... And after a while, they were like, let's see We didn't even want to talk to you, you know If you got bail, that's it And they put me in Boulder County jail They gave me a pack of cigarettes In those days, they'd give you cigarettes

And they put me like in this fucking thing that was paradise I keep my own clothes My girlfriend brought me clothes the next day So you missed the wedding? I missed the wedding? No! By the time I got to my room, everybody was catching the wedding It was on in jail?

No, you saw it in jail The last half hour, I was happy as fuck But no Chinese food But no Chinese food You can't always get everything And then they made a big deal of it By the time I got sentenced, by the time I got charged They had accused me of kidnapping the Cuban kid

They had tied me into that Oh, okay So they tied every drug rip to me now They were like, we're looking at them for other possible situations The murder of Alberto or something I'm like, what? And they're like, disappearance of this And I'm like, nah, nah, nah, whoa, Nelly

Whoa, Nelly I tried to take drugs off the street That was my only crime here But they wouldn't go for it So I think I spent Thanksgiving in jail Damn I went from November 9th, November 20th I spent Thanksgiving in jail

And then my ex-wife, girlfriend at the time, went to her father And told him the truth Told him I made a mistake You know, the guy always knew I worked I hustled I used to go up there on satellites and help him cut trees and shit So she goes, make an appointment for him to come see me And he came to see me

And he asked me what happened And they told me not to leave out of detail And I told him the truth and he said he bailed me out And three days later, I was bailed out to his supervision Do you remember what bail was? That's right Bail was originally 50 Gs Once he got involved, they loaded the 3 Gs cash

It's only 10% anyway, right? So they dropped it from 5 to 3 Just straight up So they dropped it to 2000 Yeah, that's wrong They dropped it to 2000 And I'd be signed out to his custody To stay with him

So I pretty much lived With my girlfriend's family for like the first month Like that whole month of December They were like, it's best that you stay here with us for the holidays And I was a fucking mess Like I was a mess I was trying to get attorneys from all over the country And like I was thinking like I was like a mobster and shit like that

And they're like, we want 30,000 just to get on the plane I'm like, what? So that's a different story in itself Like that's me getting out of that I think I stayed in there for 16 or 17 days It was something weird Because it fucked with me I came out and Jim Wheeler was a manager at a Subaru store

He gave me a job for about a month and a half I only sold one car Damn I couldn't even sell cars I was so unfocused Was that 16 or 17 days as long as you'd been in jail to that point? Yeah The whole situation that messed with me

Because then it got cleared up to me that Bella never ran it It was Tidwell But let me tell you what happened Tidwell got arrested in Jefferson County So when they brought Tidwell in A clerk did a background check on him And realized he had a warrant for $19

He paid the $19 and they let him out by mistake So Tidwell was wanted before So he made himself look worse Then he eventually turned himself in I got out of jail I fucked up the job with the thing It was a funny story because It's gonna sound bad

But let's say in any way It doesn't sound great so far At first I had to get an attorney But since he got arrested the night before He got a public attorney Okay When you got represented by a public attorney That means I can't get represented by a public attorney

Because it's conflict of interest So they have to get me a court appointed attorney Well the court appointed attorney They got me his name was Sonny Flowers And what his claim was Sonny Flowers Another big black dude Six foot six

What do you want to do? Sonny Flowers The only problem was he was scared of black people What? He was black but he was scared of black people Six six he's scared He was raised like very high My name is Sonny Flowers

But his claim to fame was his grandmother Was the first African-American woman To get a law degree from the University of Colorado Man that's huge So they All right son Yeah but he wasn't doing nothing to me So what good was it?

He was selling me out You know what I'm saying? I thought Cuban lives mattered What happened? Now Cuban What the fuck? What happened? So I played him like a fiddle

Throughout January and February Because I knew I couldn't go into the courtroom with him I knew he was incompetent I had been around courts enough To know he was incompetent So I played him I played him until he brought me the first offer

The first offer was nine years And I got a plea to kidnapping too Fuck you that's it Hold on You're you're off Mike I can't I really can you hear him all right? I think we should be able to do that Yeah There you go

So wait say some sorry I'm my first I wanted there to see something one day And he goes oh by the way I got an offer for you They made you a great deal This is Sonny's telling you what they already came back with They're not gonna do none better He goes it's nine years and kidnapping too Oh yeah

I'm like what Press prison I go you sell me a dog You gotta fight to me There's no fingerprints on the machine gun There's none of this There's none of that What puts me there

What the fuck is going on here So I had to kind of argue with him And he's like well if you feel that way But this is what I wanted Because I wanted to kill time The more time I killed The more chance I had the victim would disappear Without me killing him

He's a loose cannon Without me killing He got a rat I mean listen He couldn't testify against me because And today with dear friends Like we just spoke about 11 days ago But at that time

He couldn't testify Because they were gonna bring up the story About him robbing the pharmacy He had no credibility You know what I'm saying They took you to the hospital They went to stitch you up And what do you do

You break into the fucking pharmacy And steal coke and run out of there And he had done a couple of other things So they didn't really have That strong of a fucking case But I couldn't take the chance So I had a set of dates To fire my attorney

In front of the judge So I knew that would kill three more months You see what I'm saying To get me a qualified attorney To attack this a different way I knew how this was gonna be attacked I had to come up with the attack myself I was gonna be attacked

But I needed somebody to hatch the plan with me And he was way better than me Until today I love him His name is Phil Dubois He's the one He's out of Colorado Springs He was a genius He took me on as a client

When I fired sunny flowers And I went to court that day The judge said to me Mr. Diaz Before you leave Go to my court clerk And ask her What?

To give you a list of attorneys I had already picked my attorney But I went back there Whether anywhere to play the game When I went back there There were three cops back there There was Jimmy Cola And there was two D.A. agents

And they were like Hey, how you doing? You remember us? And they threw an envelope down And they're like What happened? You don't go back to Aspen no more? Aspen's no good

And I'm like, what are you talking about? And they're like You were living up in Aspen You were having a great time selling blow Flying it back Selling guns We just miss you by getting you this much But we could still bring those charges back

We have proof I don't know what you're talking about And they started putting pictures out Of me at the airport They've been following it that long Oh yeah How many years? They had been following me

I got hot to them like September of 1986 To November of 1986 And they were just watching Because a girl in Aspen an accountant Was a city accountant She got caught robbing So when they pressed charges

She said What if I give you drug dealers? They asked what were you spending the money on drugs So they made her and her husband Go out and buy drugs And different drug dealers And then they caught on to me with the guns And then like there was other drug people

That ratted me out That they had, you know, they bought the cops off I mean, there was some big time fucking hitters Up there at the time So they came to me They showed me all those pictures And they said we could cut your deal We know you're involved

We could press charges Listen, if you could have pressed charges You would have pressed charges already We wouldn't be having this fucking conversation So I go let me think about it And get back to you And it was so funny because Kola gave me his number And I would call Kola up and give him Lee's plate

I go follow this guy He'd deliver his coke They'd be watching Lee for like a month And then they'd really be baffled Because they're like, how's he doing it? Lee's not a coke dealer He doesn't go out at night How does he sell it? Does he email it?

You know, I was just giving him random people I was just playing with them I would see a licensed plate And an old guy in it And I just write it down And go you see this guy right there in that license And I saw him selling drugs I saw him selling drugs

Little girls the other day And I'm saying watch him He's got lollipops I would just give him fake information But it was so weird how I had to flip my life In those couple of months Like I really I joined the master swimming program

I tried to get into the university of Colorado I got my GED I did so well And is this all part of building a case for yourself So that when you finally get the court for this You can say Right This is part of me trying to be Joey Diaz

Trying to play a routine I never forget I signed up for voluntary drug test Why? Right My attorney goes, I think it's a good idea That you signed up for voluntary drug test I don't mean to be rude to the past one I remember the third time

They were like why do you come here They're like the last dose you gave us That's the highest AC level we ever saw in our lives Never What did you fucking bathe in it? So that became my attorney got that ripped up Let's rip that piece of paper Because it helps you

If you go to court and say you've been clean But if they don't know and they're gonna hurt you either So just don't bring it up You know what I'm saying So I did everything I had to do I went to counseling I went to the AA meetings I did everything I had to do except stay clean

I ended up moving in with a guy that's so cold Like it didn't end And he would hide it in his jacket pocket and leave And it was like do what you need And it was crazy It was every fucking night But I'd be up at six to swim I had to be at the pool at ten to six

Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays Because a part of me thought I would get away with the court date Like I would go to court and get community corrections But the other part of me was like who the fuck am I kidding I'm going to jail I'm accepting this because this is I'm not going to jail for this I'm going to jail for everything else I did Yeah

Once I get this out of the way I could move forward It finally caught up to you But this is I'm going to jail for everything else So not here Let's stop being a fucking jerk off You know How much anxiety did you have in that period when you were waiting? Between you and I guys

I wasn't scared at all Because even doing all that coke you weren't getting paranoid about Because we're not talking about jail now we're talking about prison Right Prison are we not We're talking about prison That's a big difference Number one I had spoken to my my father-in-law future

Hooked me up with one of his clients God rest his soul his name was Ed Crashkabash He should not have been a car salesman Ed Crashkabash became a car salesman lately He did Ed Crashkabash Ed Crashkabash was a fucking computer wizard That devised some program on the computer

In 1985 and somebody gave him a huge jack He's one of those dudes, huh? So he was married and with a kid and he discovered a drug called cocaine And he lost his mind Okay, and my father-in-law ensured him And my father-in-law would come to dinner every week and every week he'd tell us about a story about a client he has That keeps crashing cars And

It was hysterical. It was in the paper Ed Crashkabash owned the liquor store. He was selling coke out of there Million-dollar-year operation. My father-in-law was embarrassed. He knew him from the church So when Ed came out of jail My father-in-law made me go talk to Ed Crashkabash And Ed Crashkabash goes get 500 together I'll send it to one of the guards so when you get to where you're going The toughest place it'll be easy for you

At least they'll take care So I knew that if when I was in county jails, I wouldn't have problem It's once I went to diagnostic is where your problems start But he goes I'll make it that it's easiest shit for you Ed Crashkabash is very interesting Because the story goes He crashed 16 cars And then his record was two the same week

Two testaroses I mean the dog he was making a Miami vice. Listen to me. He was making so much money He got sick and tired of Going to a liquor store. So he bought his own liquor store And he was selling coke out of liquor store in kilos And he was just sitting there all day mixing drinks And getting flopped up So I went to him. He prepped me. So one part of me

Saw it. Joey Diaz got this lick, but I'm not gonna lie to you The other part of me was preparing to go and I did everything I went I signed the precursors I got accepted into the ceo p work study program at the university of colorado We presented our fucking Uh presentation to the fucking people so may I ask you a question? How long from the time you're bailed out Till the time you finally go back to court like what free time do you have? How many is it months? Is it a few weeks? Like how much time do you have before I get bailed out?

Let's say december 8th Now this creeps into 88. I'm hoping Me and my cocaine mind I'm hoping to keep this On the books till 89 Oh, okay, so you'd be out and about No, that's just so stressful. Let's see. I was hoping To stretch it out

So the victim could change the story Right the victim could fuck it up The victim was starting to renegar ready. He didn't want to come back to testify But they still had the other guy that was going to testify against me So I was gonna lose So my attorney came up with a great idea He goes, why don't we hire a private investigator to the court your next to three grand? You're already fighting for your life

But this guy will dig into your life and whatever he finds we could present it to the judge And what at least we know what they're gonna find And he put together this presentation, man And you cut them off at the chase you so you hit them first so they didn't have it. Yeah, fuck. Yeah He calls me one day and he goes What do you think of this deal if I could make it? And I go hit me and he goes how about 90 days work release

And six years community corrections Where is that? Yeah, what is community corrections? So work release means You're sleeping there at night. I would go to a prison a county jail Sleeping there at night be released till six Get piss tested three times a week. Oh, yeah, I forgot about the piss test And then after 90 days, I go to a Six months treatment center At bctc the halfway house

Which remember I'm seen Yes This is why life is a mother for sure So That is insane. He's pushing for six 90 community corrections We're looking at november december

By that time velo be too fucked up. He won't show up Tidwell kill himself. I was trying to get to did well You know, I was trying to do everything My fucking lawyer called me in july and he goes listen The fucking judge switched his dock and they moved your case to august 15th He goes i'm going in front of community correction. See I was supposed to get Sentence in december And then with the result of community corrections

Community corrections meeting was august 12th So they switched my so i'm like, what does that mean? He goes he goes that means that afternoon. You'll know whether you're going to prison or not Damn, okay, so I kept living my life. I was living it Mike tyson knocked out the brother without the tooth In atlantic city in 60 16 seconds I'm snorting coke. I got my girlfriend And also and i'm doing something. I had forgotten all about it on a friday the phone ring

It's my turn. He goes. You're still sitting up standing down. I go Standing up because you better sit down for this one He goes community corrections turns you down I go what does that mean? He goes well that means that fucking I could probably get you into work release But it ain't gonna be for no fucking Three months. It's gonna be for like a year But still just work release for a year, but what I did was

I paid the best attorney And I took a session with him for like an hour I went I paid him his fee And I had him break it down. He was a spanish dude. He was in charge of the law school. He was the dean of the law school That's why I was getting to a law school because if you said you were spanish, they'd beg you could have lefts You could have bought yourself They just needed a latino on the roster to get there funding latino They needed a latino to get to get that to get that government grant money and shit

You got to show up before retarded spanish people They don't care if they're bouncing a ball or not. You know what I'm saying? They come in with one of those paddles with a ball Sit down. We're gonna give you 8 000 a semester. We'll give you a car a car. Yeah, we'll give you a car too. Don't worry about nothing So I got involved with that. So I I met with him And he told me to my face. He's like you're a nice guy I'm looking at your police record. I'm looking at your probation report He you never got to get in trouble again, but there was a machine gun involved

And he goes that means there's a potential for violence, which means that somebody could have been shot With the cuban kid And the kid jumping off the balcony and breaking his fucking legs They're gonna fucking come after you. So just be prepared to do time So I knew it. I really knew it. So That I got up to phone with the attorney. I started snorting my brains out Friday I took my girl for the hate her ass off the fucking. I think I tasted the heart I licked the heart. My tongue was like a lizard

My tongue was like a lizard Oh, I must have fucked 18 times that poor girl And that that sunday that monday morning I walked into court with this attitude that You know what the judge's gonna give me a chance to talk I'ma tell him about what I've done the last six months. I got into college. I got my gd Just give me a breathe. Let me do work release Bro when that judge called and I had my friends flying from jersey. They're flying in. That's nice I had good friends, man. They flew in from jersey

george flew in from jersey And they called my name and I thought it was gonna be like this beautiful thing And he goes hose ad as do you have any words? And I went to talk And I just froze out I'm like And he goes, uh, everybody stand So you never got you never said anything goes your sentences

four to six years department of corrections with a 90 day Appeals whatever. Thank you for coming And I looked at the judge because my buddy's an ounce and a half of coke I look at the attorney and I go talk to him see if we could stay out till wednesday. You know what I'm saying? My buddy brought a rock direct from fucking bolivia And my attorney goes, excuse me. It's just joey signed up into college

And he had two days to turn himself in the guy goes no He's a surrender right now My fucking girlfriend was heartbroken. Her parents were there her family was there You know my friends were there to hug them all. Yeah, because you're walking your walk. You're not leaving No, I walked to the back I fucking Can I let me ask you this kidnapping one and two what are the what is that what it was a one and what it makes it a One and a two is what I'm trying to get and and kidnapping is such a

I know it's because you physically moved a person against their will but why do they still use kid I don't know. It just sounds terrible. It sounds terrible. Uh The first degree is If they're harmed or a threat of physical harm and second degree is no none of that threat of physical harm and that was the machine gun That's it. That's makes it the one So you right there you they let you hug everybody goodbye and you go right into custody What what day is this? It's a monday morning august 15th 1988 88 I sit in the cell

It's getting hot in there Are you by yourself? I'm by myself It's a nice cell. It's got a little It's clean, you know and as you know right now you have 90 days to appeal but you're doing four to six No, I'm not it's called consideration motion. Oh, okay because the uh The reason why I went to prison was because I wasn't claiming responsibility The judge said if you would have came in here claiming responsibility I would have gave me a speck on the rest

But the whole law the whole fucking year or you keep talking about Because you didn't know nothing. You don't know nothing. You didn't know nothing. You knew All you got to do is say it when you're ready to say it come back in front of my court So I had to think a lot about a lot of things and that stayed with me forever That's why when I bomb it's not the audience fault It's your fault Why are you blaming the fucking audience for that's what a dummy does? It's always your fault It's always your fault. So I really

Taught me that so I go in this little cell the size of this office I take my eight hundred dollar jacket suit off. It did me no good I just spit on the fucking thing you piece of shit. I'm lucky suit I thought I was gonna impress the judge with an Armani did nothing for me But when I hit the suit Ryan I can't write this I hit the suit. I'm like, what's in the pocket It's just a handkerchief and I go to take the handkerchief out And there's a fucking coke bed the wall and I'm in this cell going

Jesus lives I crushed the fucking coke I turn around and I know they got a camera in there I roll up like a dollar and I make believe I'm pissing and I snort the whole fucking package All the way flush the fucking package and I sit down now. I'm in that cell fucked up. I'm like, I got some water I then came back with a big glass of water and I just sat there and then I passed out After that. Yeah, because it had been that's it. That's gotta be so because I had Finally got it. Yeah, the coke took me higher

And I just went down Not just six months your whole life up to this point has been Has been skirting around it voiding it every way possible and finally That got you so this cop comes over he gets me because I'm gonna bring it to yourself. Give me some clothes change We've got a surgeon He searches me It's about 8 30 at night

They bring me into the cell And who's sitting there Playing cards A guy with two broken legs the guy jumped out. No, I can't look at the broken legs I go, is that you that jumped out the window? Yeah, I don't know We'll end it right there in county jail Boulder, Colorado

December no, uh, I turned myself in Yes, august 15th. So we're 88 And then we're gonna pick up on the honeydew September 1988 in jail sitting next to the dude with two broken legs I love you. Yeah That was the most interesting two weeks of my life because I got to hear everything that I confirmed

It was because remember at first They put me in federal holding Kidnapping as a federal offense And then after 72 hours They put me back into regular county jail So in federal jail, I got to talk to these people and it was mind boggling Those first 72 hours were mind boggling Because it was stories about

These were high level characters And how they got infiltrated And it was one of the most brilliant three days of my life This one guy got busted His wife went and got a maid the maid was at fed No The fucking fed bought two kilos of coke from uh now they were both in jail

Just tremendous stories Tremendous stories about another guy that told me fucking uh A guy that he would shoot coke with Shoot coke with shoot coke with Shot coke with him for six seven months Then one night the guy goes I want to buy kilo the next day he gets arrested He can't figure out there. They hid the witness They hid the witness the day of

testifying The cop was the guy that was shooting the coke They put send him to a rehab They do plastic surgery on their arm And you can sit there all you want and say they entrapped at you but That was like the The fuck those two weeks those three days in federal holding

Were brilliant. I still remember going downstairs To get sent like to go to court They made me go to court Even though I didn't have to go to court and they handcuffed me like the crazy guy Oh, I kept getting up and going. I didn't fucking do it. Fuck you's all And they're all looking at me and they're throwing punches and I gotta duck up And you have no idea my friend Well, thank you. It has been an honor to guest host the church. Thank you for letting me do this for real

This has been fucking awesome. You know, I love you Follow me on ryan sickler on social media ryan sickler.com. Make sure you're following along on is that am I looking at the right camera? The honeydew we're doing joey's entire life story We'll get one more in before you head back to jersey and then we're gonna zoom them Whenever the fuck you want to do them from the luxury of your own home code for free and safe I love you, brother. Thank you. I love you. I'm gonna miss you dearly. Yeah, I'm one of the guys that Really came through in my life later on I was in a bad spot for a few years But whenever I saw you you made me feel

Like we weren't in hollywood. We were in Baltimore. You gave me a piece of the east coast That obviously is what I was needing. So same dude. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for your loyalty. Thank you for your career I'm so proud that you're doing so well. You got your thank you cast and uh Anything I could do for you in jersey I'll do I love you, dude. I and and look I want to say this We know when I was going through splitting with my daughter's mom and everything and I know you like that I say daughter's mother and not baby mama when I was splitting with her You were checking in on me all the time. I tell everybody, you know, he called me. He didn't text me

He called and called and called. So I love you for it. Thank you, brother. I love it. Thank you very much All right, I want to thank ryan sickler for coming on the show We always got some type of fucking story to tell this cocksucker But anyway, listen the church is brought to you by Draftkings like I told you earlier this saturday is ufc 252 and draft kings has a knockout of a deal for you better buck to win 252 Draftkings sportsbook is legit that based right here in the u.s

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