Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - #815 - Jessimae Peluso

Episode Date: August 24, 2020

Jessimae Peluso, a stand up comedian, actress, and host of the "Sharp Tongue" podcast, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: DraftKings - Download DraftKings Sportsbook now and use code CHURCH to get $1000 sign up bonus.    CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.   

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Deliver it right to your fucking house that and you and you be the fucking judge. All right It's Monday the 24th kick this fucking meal Lee A Beautiful motherfucking day to be alive COVID or not. We're just talking about COVID and crabs comparison To crabs when I was a kid in the 70s if you had crabs people treated you the way you have COVID right now You're in quarantine. You weren't allowed to hang out with kids You always had to wear a fucking hat or a hand net to school. Oh, wait. No, you mean lice lice Crabs lice they're cousins. It don't matter what crabs go to your dick in your asshole lice go to your head

It's like two different cousins, right? Bug science No, I knock on what I've never had anything down there dirty filthy motherfucker. There's still time There's still some time. It could be a sexy summer. What's happening beautiful. How are you good? You are looking good. Look at those pearly whites you got going on You don't know what I had a fucking go through and these aren't even the real ones. I get the caps put on the 18th Got a full smile. What a fucking night, man. It's the worst. Let me tell you something in 2007. I quit doing cocaine You haven't coke since 2007 and I fucking had

I was at that time. I wasn't even recurring He would call me the day of Jeff Garcia. Greg Garcia would go. What are you doing this afternoon? Come to the set. We'll find something for you. That's how cool. Greg Garcia. That's dope So one day I did a scene with Michael Rappaport Oh, yeah All right, and then one day I went in there and he's like you're doing a scene Where you want to light this guy on fire and all this shit Tim stack Tim stack Tim stack ladder on fire I'm the camera zoomed in on me

This tooth was already black and I saw it and I'm like, holy shit people gonna know I'm a junkie So I was like clean like three weeks. It was right around the holiday And I had some tooth problem somewhere else and I went to fix it And the guy goes, what are you gonna do about that fucking tooth? And but the guy was in Beverly Hills. He was one of those I saw a friend of mine. Yeah, you know one of my You're hoity-toity. He's like everybody You know John Travolta everybody goes there. You walk in. It's a deuce. You know I'm saying like you And then the dude has sent me around the block

For something because he didn't do that. I don't do that procedure. You got to go around the corner So anyway to make a long story short this fucking dude It's like 23rd of december and he goes, what are you gonna do about that tooth? I go, I don't know. He goes, well, you can replace it. You could put a cap on it and cost you $3,000 And I go this I just want to fucking whiten it out and he goes, what do you got at the house? I go 500 he goes bring it for me tomorrow and come back in the morning I thought he meant supplies like you could do it yourself. What do you have at the house? Do you have some white out? What do you got? What do you got in your pocket? You got a wrench and a white out you could fix it

So I gave him the small nickel And he fixed it and he told me he goes make sure you come back by february because it's not gonna hold Bitch that was 13 years ago. You underestimated your work You know, I even told that lady yesterday who did my teeth that the molars I go. Look at these. These are silver molars These are from 97 87 you got vengeance the day I kidnapped vella 1918 November 18 1987 I got those two Uh, uh, silver Sillings, you know, they tell you you're gonna die. Yeah, it's like my dick. I'm alive and they're still chopping

These molars go through anything. You never said that because you went to the dentist the day you Kidnapped that morning that morning at nine o'clock. You know, he had errands kidnappers have errands Lee I had shit on my Can you imagine the checklist that this lifting weights one Get the rope get the bag. He had to go to home depot I called him last night, by the way, that's funny. You guys brought him up the kidnapping. Yeah Is he in jersey? No, he's in uh, albuquerque, but he's having a rough time Tucson He's having a bit of a rough time. So I gotta reach out to him again

So wild how life can come back around and here you are being a shoulder for somebody you Probably whose shoulder you broke to kidnap No, you know, he was a good guy always. Yeah, just a good guy at a bad place just like me We were just good guys at a bad place that got taken there by a bad situation And uh, I always felt bad for him because I couldn't imagine what he went through You know, when you're in a trunk of a car for three hours, you don't know if you're gonna die That would be the most stressful And by the way, every woman worries about that if you ever smoke a cigarette again, you know

I put myself in his shoes, you know for a little while and then literally because you took him off his feet It was crazy because I went to prison, you know, I went to prison. I came out and I was like, wow I feel kind of I don't give a fuck about him. And then it was shortly after that How old were you at the time? I was 25. Oh, you're I mean you're a kid. You have no the remorse levels little you know Nah, the remorse level was like I just thought the drugs there was no remorse, but Years later after I got into stand-up. I looked at it from his perspective At what he went through, you know, that's what I look at like right now. I'm concerned of what people

Are going through, you know, do you think having a was it after you had mercy? What's that all this is way before I was wondering like having a 94 95 I really looked at what I had done And I started thinking about him as a human being right thinking about like what I had done What he had gone through, you know, was there a pivotal point in your life where you started to think like that? Overall where you started to have I started I started reaching out to him. I bumped into him first off I kidnapped him in 87

in 88 He put me in prison and then in 91 No, I'm lying to you guys like 90 Two-ish I bumped into him at a bar called pearls Wow, I'm pearl street and he was fucked up And I said, what's going on? He's like, when'd you get up? I'm like a long time ago. Where you been? He's like, fuck you man. And I'm like, come here talk to me You got a gram of cookies like yeah, I go sell it to me. So he sold me the gram

I bought him a drink. I thought we were cool And then I didn't see him again And then he pops up on facebook and I reach out and there's It's like two years ago. Fuck yourself We were cool. I bought you a drink. I apologized I apologized for kidnapping you You apologized Did you really apologize to his face?

Yes, I did. I apologized to to him on the phone Then I got him to talk and I go would you mind calling into the podcast? It's one of the early episodes Holy fuck, I'm calling to the podcast and I explained to him how sorry I was And then he came to one of my shows with a theater. I remember that I remember the photo that was a few years Yeah, like Yeah, that's all that shit bothers me. Yeah, people think that I I I turned that was comedy stories into humor. Yeah, because that's it's like watching scarface now Yeah, when you watch scarface now, you're laughing at half the time. You're like, this is a fucking comedy. It's outrageous

A good fellas. It's fucking hilarious. Right the thought that we're eating dinner With your mother and there's a body in the trunk of the car. Yeah, and they're taking their time Yeah, they're taking their time and Jimmy's hitting the ketchup. He's He's hitting the ketchup over the eggs Just that thought right there should make you laugh if you have a sense of humor. Yes If you have a sense of humor, that's a very funny fucking thing Yes, this when when Tony Soprano would beat up his cousin At the bar when he didn't he couldn't get the phone right and Tony started hitting them with the phone

Yeah, I know a thousand people who had an assistant that would beat on their assistant growing up Like whenever things got bad was that motherfucker at and they just pound them to death. That's an old jersey thing Like you always got the half-rototic kid that leaches out for you and you give him a job because he's your cousin He takes beans once a month He gets hit with everything hammers Fucking shovels until you put them in the hospital and the guy quits I'm saying and that's what happened on this surprise. I guess I I guess I got it easy with the edibles Oh, yeah, I took care of you. No hammers. I'm done. Did you?

Did you get it easy compared to hammers? He hammered you with edibles. It was just metaphorically You're not on anything today. Lee. No, no, it's just residual. He's just put you in a consistent. He hasn't done anything No fun. He's changed your complete makeup into being constantly stoned You know, there has to be some residuals left over. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something, you know People are like, well, you're stopping the podcast Lee Tell them about five years of this fight. There was a period What where was five years that

It wasn't even real. I don't remember most Because he was so stoned We were so out of it. Like I've seen podcasts now that people like there's a podcast. He was slurring We were eating. Yeah, like a thousand milligrams So 2000 and it was and no no and what people didn't realize is it was starting for me at nine in the morning Right, like for people you'd wake up. Yeah, like they don't know your morning cocktail. I forgot like me Yeah, everybody knows the situation. I get up. I talked to my wife a little bit I talked to the baby. I go in the computer room. I get a coffee. Yep

Cuban coffee after no, no, I thought you did your Cuban coffee as a system It's a system. We gotta open up white coffee. Okay, like Starbucks. Hi Oh my god, the Starbucks line is so long today. I don't know what they're doing It took 20 minutes to get my cappuccino ready. Did you an asshole? I pressed the button You know what I'm saying? I sit there in my kitchen. You're gonna drive and get a coffee to wake you up I'll hit somebody with the car if I drive to get a coffee. I got time for that shit It's like when you go to a hotel You know on the road. Yeah

The first night I'm working that coffee pot. Yeah, but it's not strong enough. It's I'll it'll put two ounces of water I'll make that thing strong enough to get to get the vapor pen going in the morning So you don't have to run downstairs. I can have yeah, you can get up go on the computer Listen to a little music bang one out You know and then you go down with appetite You bring a joint down you do your breakfast you smoke a joint you walk around the town for 10 minutes And you go back upstairs and take a nap till two o'clock and you look for weights. Yeah the first that cup of coffee I need it in my room

Right. I don't want to go nowhere. I don't want to go nowhere. I don't want to go downstairs I travel with my own because I don't want to wait Yeah, I bring my own when it comes to coffee. So I go in the bathroom. I have bought three or four bong rips With the but in the bathroom with after the first cup of American coffee After the cup comes in the fog comes out The phone's already ringing. I won't talk to nobody under that fog. I do call him To torment him under any condition. What are you doing? You can you can hear the phone waking up like Oh, hello

He's never up, but he tries to straighten out to be fair during this time when we were taking 2000 He'd call me at six in the morning. I had a girl living with me at six in the morning Hey, what are you doing? What do you mean? What am I doing? I had a girl living with wearing your basement locked up. Yeah, but That's besides the point But it's like every day Like that like now it's turned to like eight thirty or nine o'clock and now it's late It was there was a period of years where at six five in the morning

What are you doing? I got up at three in the morning I got up to be and I can't fall asleep I call Lee wake him up. What's what's going on over there? And sometimes he gets really high and I know he's high in the morning at six a.m. No, no, no We leave healing a seven o'clock podcast. Yeah, and I give him another before that by 10. I know he's out of his mind So by 12 I keep haunting him to get out of the office before he gets killed Just people gonna kill him close the door but there's nights that

The elbows over like the one day There's no podcast. I call him like what the fuck are you? I fell asleep in the office till five I've done that like three or four times. He just passes out. I'm in this chair. Yeah I know I've been here when it's And the lights are still on six in the morning The door's open. Thank god. So we don't come in here rape him One morning he's gonna call me some man just came in here rape me a homeless man

And he brought a friend his name was nick And and we were doing this so back to what you were saying There was like five years or four years where it was two to three times a week 2,000 milligrams And then we would do this And then I would put it up at night It was crazy. I don't know how you were able to function all realization that there was a period When we were at the office where we were eating whatever was given to us

acid Pills Who knows one time he told me Cat Everything we're taking everything my wife went to the vet. She came home with little tranquilizers to lulu I clipped two of my game one to lee. I ate the other one. What about the time you made me smoke your pee? Oh, yeah I was pissing and my but My bud was in the my pocket

And as I went to pee the bud opened and a bud fell into the pee I took it out and I put it to the side. I gave it like three weeks to dry I brought in here rolled it up in a joint and we were fucked up. That's called cat scratch fever We were fucked up after what he's like, man, I never smoked way this strong because it's dipped in my piss That's like 32 percent marijuana There's definitely marijuana like this. Yeah. Yeah. Are you kidding me? How much thc this is in my piss? I would blow the circuit right now. I would blow like people would die Levels and I've been tamed lately

Have you yeah, why why so I could tell that Uh, I'm not smoking as much COVID you worried about COVID. No, no, I just something just Couple pipes here those three in the morning Because you have like a morning situation. I'm gonna tell you something man The days of me getting super high. I'm not I got a clip of edible and then smoke like 20 bomb hits and then I get nice and baked Yeah, you're just not really feeling it right now. It's I've been smoking since I was 12. I'm 57 years old

Even 30 weed gets me high in the morning. It doesn't take me to where it used to take me Are you feeling like do you think there's gonna be a day where you're stark sober? Yeah If you know anything about me I don't like the word sober. Yeah, if you were born sober or you're sober, I have nothing against you, right? But I like like AA and NA. I have nothing against those organizations. I think they're great organizations But I feel that people told the line a little too much and you need to like, you know what I Had a friend in Boulder

A dear friend But she was to the fucking end with that shit Like, you know, you can't put mercury chloride on me because it's got alcohol Oh, so she went to the way other side, right? Like, you know, she was such a clean and sober person. She switched to tea Because this has mercury from this so get me high like there's people that are very concerned about that In my world sobriety was not doing pills or cocaine and drinking and get your dick suck That that's the that was the addiction. Yeah, you know when when I do two lines, I'll do I'll do whatever you got If I'm with you, I'll do whatever you got. You got sleeping pills. You got metamorphosis pills

You got period pills I don't give a fuck. I was that kind of wild man when I partied. I don't give a fuck so Once I stopped getting high and all that and all this weed started coming around It's just a transfer of addiction Right, but I've been smoking like this since I was 21 And remember when I was 21 in colorado, I was getting tremendous weed and we were smoking it with a three foot bong In 12,000 feet altitude, which is a totally different with ice cubes. Yeah So I got my lungs a super lungs compared to other people. I lived in that altitude for three or four years

So people have to understand all those things The reefer just doesn't I just smoked the fucking three bowls here before you Nothing happens. Yeah, it is interesting how you you get tolerant you get tolerant to it That's why I have to when I go buy weed I buy three different weeds What what kinds like what's your go-to? I tell the guy give me the three of them that I'll see satan I want the son the father and the holy spirit Oh All right, I want the three top ones

I want the mother the daughter and the hori spirit And if you got a 22 we that's just kicking like a meal too Give me that today. I got to go over there because the new pills coming out Those pills that were 25 milligrams. They're coming on hundreds The whole package is going to be a thousand me and you I'm gonna open up a whole thing and these motherfuckers are strong And the shit I'm getting from abx That new shit that yeah far farmer in the felon. Oh, no that shit there. They'll kill you

You want one long island? Okay, you sure? abx is a higher dosage. No abx is oxygen with hash oil and Malukia sauce. It's my man. Justin over at abx Highly coated distal. Yeah, Justin's green clean bottle out of everything we've taken clean It's the cleanest. They have the cleanest two calories, you know 100 milligrams. He told me about this that he was gonna send it to you He's like, I just send him the greatest stuff. He's gonna get shot to the moon. No, but he sent me the 200s Oh, shit. He's got 200s. I'm really 200

Oh god damn it. They're like 240. They're like 240 That was 100. No, no, no, I know and there's there's these special ones that came in I've learned that if it doesn't come in a tube, I shouldn't take you and dog and even then you have no idea the systems I have People have no idea how I'll dose you. I'll dose you from one different direction. There's no fucking way You're not safe around me. I wouldn't survive. Nobody's safe around me. I know tricks that'll fucking kill you I always bring my own supply when I come here because I know that It's also cove it, but I know I'm not taking any candy from uncle joey

I know my limits and I am of aota of your tolerance There was a time when we're eating all those edibles that my my poops smelled like the the gummies We're eating that many gummies It was the crazy did your poop come out in the shape of a gummy? But it was it was kind of had a consistency of you're high until you shit in the morning Yeah, once you shit that that gummy powder out and all the thc You feel clear you have to shit in the morning That's what clears and then you have to go for a little sweat. Yes

And you know, my wife tells me she goes that you got to smell my laundry All of it smells like marijuana marijuana sweat. What do you do? It's all you know, that's why sweat. I sweat to get that weed Yeah, to be fair, you know, I don't know how you could refill it You have to sweat you do have to sweat you have to get those toxins out. I do that every morning, too I wake up. You're a little poop. I'm up early as hell. Naturally. I get over the bed Um, I mean lately I've been going to bed at like 8 52 p.m. Really Just putting myself in the bed early at the boyfriend. No

You got rid of the one with the long distance one that he was here and yeah I don't know what it is now quarantine fucks it all up, but it's all good Yeah, but I've just been getting to bed early just like kind of getting in there and Really? Yeah 52. Yeah, let me tell you and then I wake up. I don't fall asleep to like 10 or 11 I gotta be honest with you America and the rest of the world I think when I move to Jersey, I'm gonna go to I think once this is all over. I'm going to 10 o'clock. Yeah 10 o'clock is the perfect time. Let me tell you why

Because everything that happens in my life bad happens after 10 o'clock when I'm by myself When I'm by myself the other night, I don't want to I don't want to say nothing I didn't even want to tell Lee the other night. I took away the albums. I had albums here But before I cleaned the side out, I found a bunch of shit. I found old stars of death Oh, shit the bag of weed Not the one you gave me. I found the bag of weed that somebody else brought me that was high quality Los gumis or monos?

Whoa, and it was they haven't been here for years. It was brown Like the weed was brown I found mushrooms that had turned into dust. They grew they were big fucking things. They were just dust I threw everything away and all that I threw away a little pill pouch That somebody left me one day. They go. Hey, I don't know if you eat these but take these notes like I don't eat this shit And they were like two vikes and four of those crazy things not actually cotton's the other ones that people eat Four or five of them so I find this I throw them out I throw everything on I save the stars for me and Lee

And that night, lucky you leave me and the stars a little bit of a buzz There were a bag. They were two years old. They were nice and expired Perfect. You always want good expired drugs so As I'm leaving here, you're not gonna believe this Lee saw me do it I looked down. I went like this And I saw one of those pills. It wasn't the viking. It was the circular one And I go, you know what? What am I doing on a monday night?

It had to be 9 30 I popped the fucking thing. Oh, I get in the car. Oh, Jesus. You didn't want to know. Oh my god You know how we have m&m's and there's one left in the bag. He ate it like that. He saw it on the floor He saw me. He saw me. He just put it in his mouth. I put in my mouth because what are you doing your life? I'm not doing nothing special. Like m&m's This pillow ain't gonna fucking kill me. Where's your mind? The guy who gave it to me is a good guy I think I know what it is. Manson was a good guy. It's probably a pain pill or something like that. You know what I'm saying? Probably a pain pill. I don't know what it is. I'm probably going down. Oh my god. What did it do? Which way did you go?

And I had spray. I had the thc spray. Oh, that's a thousand milligrams. That goes right into your system. Oh my god. Don't I know it? So I get home. I put my bookcase down I kiss the bed. Your bookcase? You know my little bag. Oh your book? Your briefcase? What the fuck is it? My book bag down? You took something that made you carry a whole book? I put the book I put the book bag down And then I fucking go I wash my hands, wash my face And I run to the back and I give the baby a kiss before she goes to bed

And as I'm kissing her she's holding my hand telling me all this shit and I kiss her I close the door. I wash my face. I brush my teeth whenever I put my pajamas on I went out To the living room. I started talking to my wife and the middle of the conversation Like she was telling me all this shit we had to do for the move And I went like this. I went like And next thing you know, I hear okay, I'm going to sleep now and I go why what happened?

She goes because you fell asleep. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you tonight. I go I didn't fall asleep I was just thinking hard, right? For 20 minutes. We're talking My eyes closed and a deep deep steady breath. We're talking again and again. I pass out and she's like show Diaz Did you do edibles title? I don't know. I did something Right, so we're watching some fucking movie and I wake up like Three in the morning tangled in the blankets. She's gone I get up dog and I go right for the kitchen

I pull out the first thing of water And I fucking guzzled it. I mean till you hear the cracking. Yeah Like it just went Like I sucked all the water out of it Then I took another one And then I made a ham and cheese sandwich. Oh Then I made a Oh my lord couple double digits. Then I don't know what happened after that. I don't want to speculate

Right, I went into my office for a little while. I must have done something bad in there Because there was three bags of potato chips the next day and another can died ginger ale I must have won on a fucking tab at a book tab And I fucking crawled into that bed like it Three in the morning or something four in the morning and all I remember is my daughter going daddy I'm going to camp now. I love you. I'll sign up. What I take the mask off going. What what's going on? What's that the nephew nebulizer? What do you have? I have a sleep mask So I'm like, what do you mean you're going to camp? What time is it? She's like nine o'clock nine o'clock

What the fuck and I got up I go honey, you let me sleep till nine o'clock and she goes. Oh, you look so peaceful And she goes what happened in this kitchen last night. I found your hearing aid in the kitchen The hearing aid was in the kitchen and the other one was still on my ear I walked up looking for the hearing aid walking around going. What the fuck is my world coming to So I go in my room in the office and I'm like, where's the fucking garbage can What the fuck is the garbage can I can't find my garbage? I look underneath there It is filled to the top

I get these little slops to sandwiches and they come a little bag of chips When you go to where the fuck do you get lobster? truck Like lobster, I had them a year. This is a year ago. These chips. You mean chips are like the crackers like the oyster crackers The chips they went like a little bag Upside down there was fucking the cbd chocolate bar Remember the cbd chocolate bar. I gave you one. It was good too. It was it was good. I ate that I went nuts that fucking night

That shit made you hungry as fuck And then my wife brought the hearing aid in And I'm like, what the fuck was it covered in ham and cheese? Oh my god. It was so embarrassing When was this? This is monday night So There was a time that he would get high on edibles and eat edibles for munchies Like you needed another cook because i'm hungry. That's my worst nightmare That's what I would do my worst nightmare. I can't eat people have no idea how many liver cleans i've done

Liver cleans like you take a pill to clean. Oh, okay. Yeah. I've done all that stuff Because you had I had to order all that stuff online. Does that really work when we started detoxing. Yeah, I had it No one ever told me about it. Yeah You need to detox lee. You need to leetox. I do they need to hang him upside down and drip him out in the sun You need to be like one of those fucking like one of those gyro things that you see at the gyro thing They gotta hang him up in the sun. You're like a chicken in the backyard to drain the blood. Oh my god He's gonna start anew. He's gonna do 8e. I told him lee go home. I'm going on my walkie Trust me lee. You need three months with mom psychological evaluation. I am where are you gonna go?

I'm I'm going to Milwaukee for a month, but then I'm gonna go home to uh Split the time between boston and then when it gets too cold to go to florida. Wow You're not leaving your mom. You're shoveling the fucking thing for you. Are you gonna stay with your mom? Yeah I'm gonna shovel until I have to and then I'm gonna pay someone. She's not shoveling You can't have her shovel. How old is she? She killed me if I told you she's old enough Not your business No, not 82

She's young. She's young. That's good. Yeah, I spent some time with her. Oh, yeah. No, she's still work. She's fine. I just don't want her to shovel She's an attack. Yeah, I don't blame you. She's an attorney. What what what type of law? Uh, real estate. Oh damn good for her. Yeah smart bitch I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call your mom a bitch, but no, no, she'd like that one You were thinking of going to Syracuse for a couple months. I'm gonna go for a little bit. Yeah to see my family It's been the longest time since I've seen them. You know, I usually am home like every couple months. I know I know You know, all you ladies that live alone

Worry to fuck. That's why I have three dogs They don't gotta do nothing. What's going on now? It's so bad where I live. There's when it started. Are you in Venice? I'm in marina Which is right. I mean, how is it? How is it? Well, like when the quarantine started once in a while I'd see like a meth mattress outside of where I live Like a homeless dude who comes sets up a mattress outside and then the next day he pack up and leave like that was like Inconsistent what happened once in a while and then the beginning of quarantine. I saw a tent pop up And I was like, um, that's not good and then like a week later

There were two and then it just grew now. There's like 17 tents alongside my building where I live and There I've seen them shoot into their stomach. I've seen them jerk off my my Neighbors saw them jerk off. We've seen them. They've shot off fireworks. One of them had like an automatic gun like a ak-17 around his back It's it's I've never witnessed anything like this With my own two eyes and I've lived in new york in the worst neighborhoods This is worse than any neighborhood. I've ever lived in in my life

If everyone listen rena del rea is like a very nice area It's a very nice area and the rent is very expensive and it is just it's I call it kid row It's like mini skid row. It literally is just it's change and it it doesn't feel good as a woman Like you're right like to walk down even with my dogs. They're still talking to me and Trying to like get me to communicate with them. It doesn't feel good. It's like a feeling of unrest Kate quickly told me she went to get groceries And that's the first time she's ever felt scared in korea town And as she pulled into the house a guy was coming at her on a bicycle naked

With a fiddle castrol mask on When I see a guy on a bicycle naked with a fiddle castrol mask on it was me filming my next day I'll call uber And you tell him how much shit can I put in that fucking uber x because you're taking me to the fucking the airport or the Destination, you know now Everybody's kept when you came in you see the same thing There's two reasons why I want to end the podcast. I want lee to Go on his own and do his own thing. That's number one. I'm gonna melson. I'm gonna miss him

Yeah, I'm not gonna make a move to jersey for two days a week and no comedy Yeah, what's comedy starts up. He wants to come down to jersey come down to jersey We'll get you a fucking nice apartment close by it's cheap. You go to the beach and get some sundaes jews What the first thing they told me about my neighbor is go for the bagels That's the best bagels in the state. Well, the first thing he told me that made me want to go there Is it the drive-thru car? Yeah, oh my god You need to do a commercial for them bro. He would just have a little cart right after me

A little motorized cart with a little chinese guy pushing me and he's like mush He's whipping them backwards and shit like with a whip backwards and the chinese guy's pushing You've got your own little freezer on the car But it was so crazy how people have gotten to all these conclusions. They're leaving because of this joey's under there I'm leaving because my daughter's self-defense school Got broken into last night on riverside and cold water one of the busiest streets

You know, i'm leaving because I saw a guy get hit Not even a mile from here with an axe handle. He hit three people and I had a woman with an axe handle Who was just waiting for a bus? Oh my god. I'm leaving here because there was shots fired a magnolia and lankashim a week and a half ago I'm leaving here because comedy is closed to West hollywood is going to be the last thing to open. Okay. Yep. I'm leaving here because taxes is going to skyrocket in january It's already predicted. Not that I make a million dollars

But if you make a million dollars, they're going to attack your heavy duty You don't have to make that much to be in the tax bracket tax bracket where you get fought funding the police I spoke to my friend that her business got broken into what type of business Self-defense they broke it into the bags and shit whatever Listen, it took her an hour to get somebody on 9-1-1. Oh my gosh So do you understand what part we're getting to here ladies and gentlemen? Nobody's leaving I'm starting I'm starting to leave

But it's not because i'm evading somebody or the cubans are coming or there's allegations I'm leaving here because this place is not safe for us anymore. You said where you're going You you you said it to me like months ago You like you got to keep an eye on what's going on keep an eye on what's going on Look at your neighborhood before you go home. Take a ride around your block. See how many people parked in cars lately So sitting there someone was in what are they waiting for? What are they waiting for? We are all day long. What are they waiting for? Yeah This what the fuck are they waiting for? What are you doing? There's so many people in the neighborhood Everybody's waiting for Kennedy come down. They're all watching people. They're waiting to rob. This is not

If it will we're talking to you three californians here the other day We were just laughing me and leave. We're just laughing about something And he goes like I can't wait to leave the drag racing That same night there was a drag race in hollywood where they killed a 16 year old girl With a shootout at the end of the thing and hollywood and vine if you go to hollywood and vine There's a big flower thing They shot a 16 year old girl there two weeks ago because the streets are so empty. They're drag racing on Now you know me guys. I've been to Harlem to carpet four in the morning. I'm in I'm used to this

I'm a thief. I know the movement. I know the walk I know when I see four guys in a car. They're not going to a church meeting At 12 o'clock circling Lancashire. Yeah, okay, and I go into a church meeting We live in the valley for a reason the other day. I went to donate books and on my daughter's school. They were painting m m 13 ms 13 tagged the school Co-facts the park where I take my daughter a guy was walking his dog at two in the morning Four men came out of a car and jumped him and beat him. Oh, so do you understand where I'm going with this?

We're going somewhere into September October. That's not going to be good here in California. Whatever you guys may think Yeah, rogan's leaving because it's Spotify whatever DL's leaving because we see the writing on the wall. That's what I was gonna say like why where do you think it's headed like And why do you think LA it's happening in LA the way it is. First off, it's been very quiet LA lately It's been very quiet lately. They're trying to push the colorado thing What do you mean those dumb fucks that pull the whole black family out african-american family and handcuffed them Because they were driving and they were in a mini van. It wasn't even you know

They're dying to start a fucking war. They're dying to start a war And you know, whoever the doubt let's keep pushing it to see if it catches fire. It's not really going nowhere yet But what's happening in portland? What's happening in seattle? It doesn't take a fucking guy with a Genie ball to tell you that it's going to sell in los angeles It's been too quiet. Yeah, so we got september october and then we got election month Which is going to be hell and then we got after the election to see who gets Who the fuck it's like and then when they put them on the podium

Are we in a dream? So no matter who wins there's going to be voter fraud No matter who wins there's going to be this there's going to be a lot of problems Do I see us getting shot or anything like that? No But with the home burglaries and the 2400 dollars removed from people You're going to see people from other neighbors start to get real desperate coming into desperate neighbors. That's what we do I did it when I was a kid when you want money. You go to a rich neighborhood and look around Somebody leaves their garage. They need to get some shit

You know, this is what happens. I'm not leaving here. I feel bad enough leaving. I'm not a quitter Yeah, but I'm thinking about a seven-year-old girl. I'm thinking about a girl that they wanted to sit in her house From nine to two a.m. Two in the afternoon on a computer That's fucking, you know 30 hours a week on a computer on top of tv Yeah, where does that develop a child now if you drive up and down cofax? There's three fucking schools look at the amount of property on those on that on that thing I see a thousand six-man tents

I see I see a thousand of those tents. They're growing. It's it's like there's skin rows everywhere now No, no, no, I'm talking about the kids. Oh what for kids put them outside. They got all that property on Oh, I see all the close backs north hollywood. Hi. How can you not have school? Yeah, these kids have to have school It's part of their social development. They need to find their social development. Okay High school kids don't need it as much. They could come in on mondays They're coming on mondays get their assignment. They're self-taught. You know their parents. They're involved when you're in the second grade You're just looking at a computer screen. I also see cartoons on a computer screen So I want some semblance before I moved I made sure that school district was going to open at least have a hybrid

Something where there's like something other than a screen for the children two days a week. They got to see other kids we'll get involved in uh It's it's vital for their development, but no this should I went through March april may and june. I don't want to wish on her again And unless you lived in my eyes, I saw it affect I was gonna say how did it affect her to be like restrained and not have it affected her because When you're six and seven and five believe it or not, you have your own language Kids of that age have their own language when you talk to mercy. She's great. She's a great little girl

But after 10 minutes you want to stab yourself in the eye That's pretty standard. You don't know what the fuck she's saying. I love her to death. She's my daughter You don't know what the fuck she's talking about You know, she's watching bake club now on netflix. Don't catch that. He had beaten from her That's an hour he had beaten in the car, but she's my daughter I guess the death I look her in the eye. We make eye contact and I give her opportunity to speak but When you see him with a girl her age

Like when we have now when we meet On the weekends with other parents and you see them talking you go Because me and you could be talking and they're talking and they're having their own conversation Understanding each other underneath ours and we don't hear what so they need each other. They do see how the kids struggle Those, you know, and it was hell on me and my wife I think we all we all needed to my wife is 49. I told him a couple weeks ago I went I didn't want to go down and do ryan sicklers

and I went down there and I've lost 10 pounds like on my shoulders because you you've been getting used to this like right now this wouldn't have Three weeks ago. I would have told to take her home But i'm getting used to it. I'm up before I'm up to four. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm getting better. I'm the same way like I started to allow you allowing things As long as you got the mask on Yep, and you know people when staying home. Do you don't need well, listen, they didn't need to open up the fucking bars Why why are we that's what I don't get like why are we opening? Let's just chill. Let's just chill the fuck out

I got a bar at my house. I got wine in my house buy a fucking thing get a little makeshift badio You got to go to the bar so bad over yet. What the bars are like covet fucking developmental deals It is it's like where it could covet goes to grow is a signs of contract Bar dark alcohol There's no social distancing people are screaming. There's yeah, there's no social distancing because once there's alcohol Val you forget you're doing shots. We have a hard time social distancing Even when we're sober. Yep Add alcohol and you're right. You're you start kissing neighbors hugging kissing get the fuck out of my face

You know, it's a bad recipe for right now I just don't see california Just for what our needs are For what our needs are first off. I think the east coast is gonna open up before california. I think they really took it seriously Yeah, they did they shut it the fuck down. I think you're not gonna be allowed to do things indoors though I think that's gonna still we like the dining and all of that. Well, we should well, let's just You know, let's get a real take on it and shut it all down and just wait until everyone's like a quick Okay, we're good. We can go back and it's not just california

There was a big article about how a lot of millennials are leaving cities now like even before this There's just too many people in this one area It has nothing to do with cal like california is part of it But there's just too many people it's way too concentrated need to move to a place where you have a yard and you Your daughter can play out in the yard and I have to worry about wearing what I got a house for here in new jersey and what I got And what I first of all I couldn't get a house for what I paid for you. No Not even close

For what I paid for here. I could get like a fancy apartment. Yep And then you mentioned the taxes. You're right. The taxes are gonna go through the roof. That's the truth I want a yard from my daughter, you know in in uh In an la In new jersey the taxes the city taxes go to the school That makes sense and so the schools. That's why the schools are so on top of it, you know, I'm saying here Here you go to public school and they dollar you the debt Yeah, they don't even have pencils. I dollar you the debt on patreon

Go to my daughter's school. Go to my daughter's school Co-facts. They're dollaring you the debt. There's no school And I get emails that they're doing ebay's and shit like that over there. Don't forget. What do you mean ebay? Yeah, like they they don't they they email you with like they they send you messages like we're doing The school the only thing they're worried about are co-facts is the world fair. That's that big money maker and donations From day one. I told my wife. What's the minimum donation? That's all we give them Don't give them dick because birth crisis kids went there And I already got the lessons and the beating from them. They learned the hard work

That while you're there you're giving 20s everybody's your friend Once you stop duking the 20s, it's like cocaine. Everybody goes away. You know what I'm saying? That's once you stop talking dick nobody wants to be your friend. It's fucking terrible when you give them low jobs out Everybody comes over. Yeah, you want to come over? Thanks. Give it. You know what I'm saying? So it's the same thing in that world They they live off the githers every time you go to that fucking school. It's a new program It's a new donation. So I used to call the bitch dollar the debt How was their performance? How were their students like was it the school was good

But I thought it was overrated for what I read all these gentiles what they raved about the school First off when I walked into the school, I'm like, I don't know who went here first a blinkin or fucking george washington Because the school was old And then one day we were chicken treating and the guy crossed me from the school was giving my daughter an earbeat He's like what yeah, because my daughter knocked on this door and he's like before I give you a piece of candy I have to Tell you a story and tell you some history I don't know if you know this but I've lived here all my life the guy was like 60

He's like in fact, I went to that grammar school called facts elementary where you go and my daughter's like Just give me the clicks and the guy just he just cracked. What the fuck the guy just cracked The guy just cracked He just cracked. Is that the guy with the cones? Yeah, he's he's got one cone that fucking moron Does he wear a cone? No, no, it's a guy and there's this guy's and that There's for some people everybody that block Thinks that they should have a cone in front of the house

So he puts a cone in front of this house for his parking spot like an orange construction con. I see that in neighborhoods I'll run that mother But there's a guy three doors down and it has three cones and a sign You don't know how many times I've gone out for a ride at night I'll pull over I'll smoke a joint I'll eat two edibles and I'll bring water with me And I'll start talking to somebody else and that edible hits me And I'll just go by leaves to check on Lee. I check on Lee twice three times a night

You don't even know just in kids. I see somebody in his alleyway Why see you? Yeah, I check by if I know where you live and you live by me I'll go by your house every night That's where I was I also go by bird crisis house I make a u-turn and you're not supposed to make a left on birds Go see how many I make left people beat by me

You're not supposed to make a left I do what I want. All right. This is my fucking name, but I do what the fuck I want I'm the community help here. I got my own bums. I got two black bums. I got on 20s Every time they see me. I got one black dude six for six two 80 homeless Takes a shower whenever I give him a 20 I had a couple guys like that in Harlem. I gotta keep an eye on my car I even told him what my daughter looks like. I go you see my daughter anybody you break them in half You got it, sir

I even told the way she goes to school. I call them walking one day by the school That's how good of a fucking guy. He is homeless black. Give him that money His hair is ratted up every time I see him. I duke him a 20 everybody's giving him a quarter What are you gonna do with a quarter? What are you gonna do with a quarter? You can't get the good crack at the quarter. You can't even get a fucking winger. No, you can't even get one of those fucking I ran a fucking Taliban wings. You can't get candy at 7 11. No, I take care of my community my in In here, this is me these four blocks here. This is me. I love it when uh, when uh, COVID showed up

I bought a box of masks for the neighborhood that they put them on no They told me to go fuck myself Except for my neighbors next door everybody else with kids and everything told me to go fuck myself Wow, I was driving one day. I saw a woman from my neighborhood Running I actually pulled up next door to give her a mask She fucking like looked at me like I was giving her a fucking like I showed her my dick I'm like, this is why I got to leave here There's yeah, there is no community really. I'm the community. I'm the only community guy, you know

We've we've come away from that sort of I'm so pissed like my friend is becoming a cop How old he's young man beautiful beautiful toughest nails jiu-jitsu kid Went to north hollywood high and the whole thing He just became a cop. Guess where they're sending him for his first assignment To the mental institution to go down there and get shit thrown at him. He's got to wear long sleeves and a shirt Where is that? Where's in downtown? Okay, they call it something. There's a name for the twin towers and it's oh, yeah Yeah, that's where he's going. Oh, that's where he's going. Do you know what Lee? It has a reputation It's like LA county jail or something right? It's horrible horrible horrible when he goes there me

The kid that's from the neighborhood Make him walk the beat up here. See we don't have beat cops no more Then he would love to walk the beat around here Make him walk the beat from Lancashire and victory to Lancashire and to wenger back and forth And then the cop gives him a ride every time he sees him So you and your mind know that there's a cop gonna come here every 20 minutes When we were kids we all the other day I reposted a picture of a cop on facebook He was his r.i.p. That he died

I forget what his real name was we called him the quarterback from the Giants phil sims He looked just like phil sims so you call him phil sims you get pissed off Let me tell you a little story about phil sims and people from my neighborhood that listens to his podcast I'll tell you this. You know phil sims fought two of my friends while he was on duty The the football player the cop the cop Okay, he would tell him you want to fuck with me take his badge. Oh He'd take his belt off have his partner hold it He fought two of my friends that fell and afterward they

Should can and put their belts on respected him and that's what cops are supposed because this is what's missing right now We have no cops There's no respect. There's no mutual respect. We don't know them So if if you become a cop and you're from the Bronx And you become a cop. Why would I put you new jersey? I'll put you in the Bronx in your neighborhood because listen If you grew up knowing that joey and lea gay

And every week they get drunk and beat each other up. It's just a part of growing up. Yep. It is You're gonna come over to him and arrest him both every time, right? So if Vinny gets the call, he's gonna come over and say joey stop beating up on lea lea. Thuff it up William and stop drinking and and that color isn't good for you. You need a different rouge. It doesn't work for your skin tone Like all that, you know what I'm saying? Like all these people grew up in the community. They know the community So if they know that jesse may taste medication also I got a call that there's a blonde woman at 7 11 naked saying I want dick, you know That's a tuesday for me

Before they shoot you and arrest you I know where to take you. I know what you need. I grew up with you That's what I'm talking about. Number two. They got to put more pa l's in Police athletic league Take themselves with children that helped me a ton when I was a kid It helped you take the fear away from children From the cops you could talk to them. They took it to the police station once a month They fingerprinted you to let you shoot a 22. Yeah, they give you the target to take home We have officer friendly as a kid. You come talk to the school answer questions. They don't want to do that

Here they do that starbucks on thursdays between one and three. They sent two good-looking rookies LA is lacking the community feel for sure. Those communities exist in america. That's why i'm leaving. Yeah, I I get that I've had enough of this I've had enough of having holidays with four people. Yeah, it's just so it's everyone's an island here I've had enough of having holidays with poor fucking orphans. Yeah people don't want to go home or can't go home They'd rather go home in february. Yeah, i'm sick and tired of just Nothing changes here. Right the cost to chase your dreams is it's beautiful here. You know what I did my time Yep, I don't regret a dime of it. I don't regret

The people you met. No, I was at the store. I had a great time And it's just time to be smart enough. I'd rather leave here I'd rather walk out and leave here on my fucking knees. Yeah, you're sign felding it Okay, I'd rather walk out of this motherfucker than leave out here and have to go. Okay. Yeah, you're making the choice You know right now with a podcast. We have a podcast that will limited guests We're limited guests because people aren't flying in no more. No, I can't get an author to come in I can't we're limiting guests now. How long will this be the normal? I mean, we all enjoy our guests But we're not getting the quality of guests. We were getting like I had a phenomenal april setup

I had the guy who got beat up and the godfather coming in Had david pro valk. I had a bunch of hitters coming in Went down the tubes. They're all old. They're scared to fucking see everybody chung I lost a bunch of fucking guests. So that's getting kind of old. There was just a lot of things My life was getting monotonous and I didn't realize it till I went to new york last year for the soprano movie That's when I read that. Yes. That's when it hit you. That's when I remember talking about that with you I was like, well, what am I doing here? Well, one of the things that you've always said even just about the podcast is

That you have to evolve like we've had a few different versions of the podcast. So eventually Gotta evolve and change your location or change Something, you know, Joe Rogan's Joe Rogan. He's done what he's done. I wish him a lot of luck But everything that goes up must come down. That's for Tom seguras. That's for mine. That's for birds. That's all this stuff Is eventually going to go down. Listen, you know what? We've been in the top 40 Fade fucking years. That's a that's a fucking success. I'm very proud of that. I'm very proud of that All the podcasts are I'd rather walk out on my feet than crawl out of here on my fucking knees

Do you think you'll come back one day? Are you just you going with the flow right now? I don't know what I want to do Like I'm more like I already got one of these who hit me in new york I had a conversation with Gomez the other day that was possibly The best conversation I've had with a comic on the other time because he called me to ask me if I was moving to jersey Where I was moving from and it was 20 minutes from this house and he goes How old is your daughter and I go seven he goes my son's seven And he goes they could play together and I'm like great and I got off the phone

I'm like that was a great conversation Because he wasn't calling me to ask me when I was gonna do skanks Yeah, what I'm gonna do about your life jimmy's radio or the I'm not doing anything that should off the bat I just did a podcast for eight years. I think it's smart. I'm not doing anything for at least a month We're gonna wrap this up probably on the 15th 16th Hopefully the 15th will clean this fucking dump up. You're gonna give me one of your records That's you're gonna give me one of your records. You can take whatever the fuck you want

And uh, we're out of here. That's it and then If he tells me he wants come to new york and do comedy if he's got a reason to come down it But for come down there twice a week for this, it's not working. Yeah I can't make him change his life for two days a week to go to some part of new jersey that he's never been in He doesn't know if he even likes For no reason, you know, let's let him go back settle down I want him to look at that microphone and say, you know what I miss doing a right podcast I want to do it on this. I want to do it on that. Whatever the fuck he wants to do and I got the same option

But for right now I'm really happy. I'm really happy that I'm just getting out of here And for the right reasons and I think the sign of louis mentioning something about family is just an indication that you're following it That was it. He's in a jersey too. He said yeah, he moved that that's what I'm just said. Yeah He called me to tell me he was moving to jersey He heard from arie that was moving to jersey where I was moving Because he's close to this kid. Yep. I'm three tenths of a mile from my man jimmy florentine I opened for jim years ago at levity live years ago

You know, I have nothing to complain about am I going to go into the city and do spots? No Are you what are you somebody like at this point in your life? Like we're talking about an outlet, you know, like before we started recording like what what my next outlet is because a stand up Like do you feel like you're going to need or desire an outlet because you're not touring doing stand up the video Movie productions halted in the podcast. I didn't want first of all movies and all that shit's done I'm shooting this soprano. I'm going out of soprano. Yeah, let's go out on that too. Yeah, that's a pretty good one Why ruin it?

What am I gonna do some stupid show on mbc? You could play my dad in a movie. Yeah, you know Unless it's something really strong. I got a call for something. I can't release But if it comes true, yes, I'll do it But besides that I'm just doing the sopranos around with that Yeah In april of may when comedy comes back legitimately not under a tent I gotta be johnny circus around the back of a fucking pickup of an old ford pickup I'm not doing that. I'm not I've been comedy for 29 years

I have some sort of respect for myself and some sort of respect for comedy And I have respect for human beings. It's not a good time to have people in bunches You need happiness. Go shoot heroin. Okay You want happiness? I'll remember that one info to a fucking go to a chinese place and have them They're not even open. You can't even get you know, can't even get your dick sucked. You can't All those chinese hand job places are closed. They're shut. They're doing how they're doing house calls the other day I'm doing house calls. I went to the dentist. I drove by one that I heard is one of the nastiest ones of all time Like like filthy canyon that's supposed to be like

They're fucking real asian like kidnapped Oh, good cry when you fuck them and all that stuff like so good quality Jesus christ. They give you pieces of paper sneak me out call my Yeah I'm not gonna tell you who told me he went there one day and he said it was fucking creepy That they take you in the back and there's like a locking key And you open it and there's like just it just smells like fucking soy sauce

And it's just like 20 girls And lingerie locked in there with no window Bro, just waiting there. He goes joey. It was one uglier than the other This was the ugly. That's what he was worried about the attractiveness of the sex traffic Ty because he likes typhoon He said he got like a ty one And the nipples are really hard a pussy was i mean he told me the whole thing. He's disgusting this guy But he told me that's where it was

And it's hidden. It's fine. I'm sure they hide it behind a chiropractic place You mean to tell me people in this city like people who are like Established and can do something don't know about that. Like this is all Hollywood Lee told me that on van eyes boulevard. There's hookers I've heard from other men who tell me that van eyes. They have those places and they're worked by cuban chicks Sex traffic sex traffic cuban. I mean they get them in and they groom them when they're young And some of them are still young

like I realize everyone has their own individual struggles There's a lot of societal stress and all this shit that's going on but like that to me that Is a huge fucking problem that we should be the sex trafficking that goes on domestically In this country. Houston, texas the cap. Where do you pull out? Is this a frequent flyer? This is my spot I've been going to the hung foot spa For 10 years. I got a punch card. Okay, but before you judge him jasmine. He took me there. It's a legit place I know because this motherfucker doesn't mess around when it comes. Let me see this

Let me tell you something. I'm pissed because I'm close to one free punch card and they closed down You understand where I live. I got one more fucking the next time I go in there. It's free And they closed down that week It's beautiful. Can you fucking believe that that's not a metaphor for life? I don't know what it is I was going in there every other week. I want to see it the john foot now. Let me explain something to you I don't know if you know this about me Jesse may I got to be honest with you. I don't like people touching me. I don't like women touching me You don't listen. I don't I don't never realize that. Yeah, if I have like a neck thing

I don't mind you coming over and going joey. What's going but you called me joey, right? You know me, right? I don't like people touching my back. Like I don't like people If I don't know like if you even professionally like if you had a husband And you told me you did massages. I would go to you. Yes. I would I get that I would feel better if you had a husband I would too I don't want you to be single And I got to know your husband. It's like I can compare notes with your husband He'll tell me tell her up

Tell her rub your back tell her stick her knuckle in your ass. Oh, she's great at it Women who do massage. I was friends with one Aspen and he used to tell me what to tell her to do. That's her specialty. Tell her to Stick her hand under your armpit. She would uh, I used to box them and do lat pull downs So she would do something with her fingers that your whole body would just vibrate So husbands know what their women do. So but I don't know anybody I went to that fucking That massage place one time was the worst

the worst massage Envy envy. Oh, it's are you kidding? Utterly horrible. It's terrible. Somebody gave me a gift card And I went out of respect. I said, let me go. They gave me a gift card. They worked really hard for it I didn't even take the massage. I took the stretch out The one when they stretch out yeah and slip your discs horrible horrible I've gone two or three times and it's never been a ball on my feet

And rub my foot with a ball first of all you're getting that fungi toenail All over your hand with my feet. I don't need that you got now This place before I found this place Somebody told me about another place And I went in there And the first time the chick gave me a massage. It was kind of cool But not really What do you mean like

Was she trying was she going like scooching near your taint like trying to get was it like one of those? I don't like when they when you lay down on the table I don't like no we're supposed to do stand up young phone. You put your feet up on the couch. They have a tv Oh, that's kind of nice. They put your feet in hot water. They do your shoulders Your biceps your hands. So you like to be comfortable sitting. You don't want to feel like in a vulnerable position In a vulnerable position where I'm like this and all of a sudden you're sticking a pipe in my ass You never know a fucking sword. You never know chinese people They might get mad about something. Let's take a sword up here. What massage and piece have you been to?

I just listen. I don't like I don't like massages. I don't like None of that shit, but is it see I I feel the same way I get massages I used to get massages all the time because all the traveling that we do and I went to this tie spot tie massages where it's at where they get up and they put their feet into your soul Right. That's that's down there. That's next to Brett school you get some real That's next older asian women. They step on you. Yeah. Oh and they these women are so strong

They have like hands like g and l a sausages their fingers are so thick and strong And they get into muscles You didn't even know you had and they pull you back and things are cracking the one thing that was nice that one time Remember, you know, we had a sponsor zeal And they they came to my house That was I don't really have that many massage experiences, but that was kind of nice. I was nice. It's gotta hurt a little Oh, I don't I don't it needs like a little like I'm a little bit of pain. That's why I need he yelled at me Because is it when I go? Yeah, I go I need a little pain

I used to always get the chick there's guys and men you gotta get women But they had a woman that was like an olympic lifter. She was stronger than that And she was a sweetheart and you know what she charges. It was a 20 hour for the happy hour $20 25 for happy hour from 12 to 3 Happy hour and I would tip her 20. Well, what else would you get? That's it just your feet Is there anything better than a fucking foot from the knees down? From the knees down

And then she would stick a stick into your bones and your feet and your whole body would just fucking tremble And then she does your your shoulders your neck your eyes Oh You ever have a bitch get in your eye socket 25 dollars 25 I don't even know I can see your eyes. I would I would call her I would call and see when she was ready The call was hilarious. Hello Is jeff I forget what her name was that or either write it down

She's a sweetheart. You're like, you got the sticks. I'm coming in. She'll go get the sticks ready Me and my wife used to double date jesse Oh, me and my wife used to dub me and my wife on friday nights We'll go on dates. We bring sweatpants with us We go to a nice restaurant. I love a sushi place And then we come to the office. We'd switch And we go over there With shorts on instead of going home because then we're gonna fuck with mercy

Yeah, and we'd sit next to each other hold hands And I'd get a chick she'd get a chick and we'd just sit there next to each other at night That's adorable place would be Because they were open till 10. So we'd go back about 8 30 We'd do the hour long and then we'd go home at 10 feeling like a fucking doc Yeah, you've had you have to go to those spots those spots that are not You're all loose. I'm not loosening that fucking monkey up With your massage. These guys don't understand you take a woman on a first date to a chinese massage

You're gonna get the kitty. Can everybody take some flowers and no, fuck that. We're going for a massage And you tell them right now. You don't Anyway, I don't want to bring it up. You don't You gotta be decent. You gotta say to them. I'm gonna take you to a surprise bring a sweatpants He called me up one day. He's like wear shorts Be downstairs in five minutes Yeah, because he wouldn't do it. He was scared. He was like, why are we going? How good was it? It was pretty good. It's good It's very good

It's very good. I love it. I do it. I was doing it every other week I was doing it. It was like my it was like my my thing me too twice a month It's my little thing on sundays or my Was in church when they would go to church at 12 I'd zip over there and I'd sit with her and like she'd fucking take it all out of me She would stand on me because then you pay then I started paying 40 for 45 minutes. It's worth it. Come on. It's the best money you could spend 80 90 dollars. It's trash It's 40 and they're just petting you. I would give her a 40 dollar tip

And she would get on top of me. I would hear bones breaking fucking neck breaking She would pull my neck out my oh, then she would do your ears your ears Uh, your cell you can't even imagine this is the shit I'm gonna miss when they close and then they opened up for about two weeks When it was level three before the shutdown they opened up, but Just say you'll be back for something. Huh, you'll be back eventually. You should say that. No, I'm not he's never coming back He's fucking done. You're gonna be a Minneapolis Growing weed in your backyard. That's it. You're gonna live a happy life

No, I'm only going there for a month. Okay. Well, you say that now. You never know I'm semi-retired. That's great That's what I'm doing. I'm wait because even when comedy comes back I'm gonna start in jersey and you're gonna go easy and I'm gonna work myself outward. Mm-hmm I'm gonna do everything I can that I could drive to first That's smart Providence, boston Providence is great. I'll go back to the clubs. Where do you play in providence? The only club up there that club that's comedy connection comedy connection. Cory. He does a great club. It is a great club

It's such a beautiful city. It's just perfect for kovat too. It's too small in there So they got to get it off all the smaller clubs. I can't wait. He's doing outside. He's doing outside. He's great and the stand Governor's a long island. He's doing outside. There's a lot of guys doing outside. You know, my problem is So, uh It's not even cold anymore. It's what joke you might say What's the first? What's what would you start with? No, no, no. It's not even about material. It's

I'm very scared that Lee might go up on stage And say i'm a jewish and somebody might go fuck you you fucking jew As a joke and then somebody might go fuck you i'm jewish And then they throw bottles, you know, what if Felipe goes on stage and he goes You know the funny thing about white people fool and also the white guy gets up. Oh, you're saying it's that We're that sensitive right now We are to a point right now where I can't You know, what's gonna happen is you're a sweet girl jasmine. Thank you and you have a real name or you have she's your friend

This is debbie. She works with me and she's a friend. What you do is one night, you know, she's going through hell She's you've never hung out with her before She's the girl next door, right? She's the girl next door and you've seen that she's been kind of down lately And you take it to a club, but you've never seen a drink right She has three drinks and all of a sudden Come debbie becomes

fucking Yeah, let it get it, you know one of those jerks I'm scared So you take that to a comedy show and at the comedy show she's starting acting this way And what do you do now? And now there's an argument. That's what's gonna happen. People are gonna take people at day. You ever do new years Why do new years suck? Why do we have to be on stage because people go to comedy shows on new years They don't know how to act. No, they don't go out. So they go as a present. Yeah, I got you tickets for lisa

He's so funny. Oh my god, and you're like, I just want to be home and watch Dick Clark with his deform fucking head I want to be home and feel like a human. Yeah, nobody wants to be, you know, so they go to these things Yeah, they don't Before he died his head was a little fucked up. It was a little fucked up. I ain't saying nothing bad about nobody It's a good man got rest his soul, but it was a little upset. I got to start the new year off looking at a fucked up head You know what I'm saying? That's what I need Thank god, they got really catty griffin through that dumb bitch. I don't want her on her and the other commie bastard CNN fucking Jim Anderson Cooper. Yeah that fucking commie fuck

He's a closet Scientologist that motherfucker Oh, they're fucking playing the drums at Scientology. Just won't sign up Fucking people And while we're fucking taking statues down at Columbus, I was telling what's his name last night Everybody everybody's taking statues down at Columbus. How about giving Dracula his props Dracula was originally gay Did you know that? Yeah, Dracula was gay pansexual Dracula came out. He was that's right. Yeah, he fucked Everything women and wolves and wolves. They fucked everything white people got a hold of them And he only fucks women and bites women in the neck. Yeah makes it for their comfort. No, no, no, no, no

fat that's why you never get bit by a fag because When you haven't been to west Hollywood enough, but don't bite you but if a fag bites you How do you loosen them? You have to stick a finger up their ass just like the pitbull That's why that that's where they came from that. They said when the pitbull bites you How do you let make him let loose? You have to stick two fingers up his ass. Oh, that's a good idea That's the truth. That's the truth. I'll have to remember where you think they copied that from Gay men when they bite you and they're going at it They you never seen a gay dentist. Have you ever seen a gay dentist? Never

Is he I never seen a gay dentist because they don't need a dentist because they brush with cock You understand me when you brush with cock. That's the best fluoride right there You never seen it. You never seen a gay man with bad teeth, right? I've seen a couple. How does that relate to to dracula? We're gonna get back there. He'll bring it back I'm just pissed off about dracula and that the dracula way for the gay people It's it's the depiction people have Dracula back the gay people he needs his dick give Dracula dick We should go Give Dracula back to the gay people

Dracula belong to gay people and white people stolen from the gay people like they stole California from the mexicans. Yes Oh But it's true But people depict they take what the truth is and then they put it through their system and they make it comfortable You think about your motherfuckers bust not a cape Yeah, and I make up Transylvania. I make up he had contour. He was the first cool gay motherfuckers jewelry He figured it out. He's like, you know what? I'm gonna wear cape

I'm gonna show these regular gay motherfuckers how to do it up and shit He had outfits. He wore purple. He wore purple. He only came out at midnight Came out at night looking fresh and he had to go down. He had by six o'clock And what and what makes them go away garlic? That's right. You ever smell your balls? What do they smell like at six in the morning garlic? That's why you leave you think that's a coincidence That's why women fucking leave because we get that garlic cloud. We're out. We're done Guys when he was talking about those six a.m. phone calls, this is what he would tell me at six a.m All the theories

Oh my god, I can't do this no more I can't do this no I took some garlic pills too I got a fart coming out pretty soon. I mix it I got a fart. I got garlic pills mixed with campocha juice. Oh, jeez. It's gonna come out of my ass. It's gonna be pure fucking Brutal. It's gonna smell like one of those guys of snow That sells those steaks on the stick in new york. You ever smell those? They sell that fucking sovaki on the stick

They use hummus. Yeah, they use hummus for fucking deodorant. You talk about nut smell hummus Your some of your dudes not smell like hummus in the wee hours not my dudes because I watch my old chickpeas Do I gotta stop taking these vitamins? Which vitamins? I'm gonna admit to you guys what happened Your nuts swallow up No, did you come as vitamins? No Your cum started to taste like it. No, we're trying to guess my cum. Okay. That's fucking disgusting I tasted it when I was 13. Just once and that was enough just once I want to see what all the fuss was about

I just took a little taste and had that little chlorine taste to it. That's when I was 13 It was still good chlorine. It was still it was concentrated chlorine now chlorine can't save the taste. Well now It's in lee's weed apparently smells terrible, but no, they'd come on any peanut. Oh, well, I fucking that's what he said I started taking multi vitamins A friend of mine gave me these multi vitamins I started taking these peas That's smelt so bad. Yeah I mean, I could wear a pair of shorts for two hours

Two hours like six to eight and go home And the next day I was like it got to the point where I would drive and I could smell my dick piss in my shorts I was like, I can't believe and then my wife said something to me She's like, what the fuck are you just coming out of your piss that it smells so bad I would piss leave the bathroom and go back to wash my hands because I forgot I go This smells terrible. My piss was coming out this weird form of yellow These vitamins were fucking me up and then I started taking bloody shits

I took like two of them that I would shit it would come out perfectly And then I would do a little another little nug and then a little blood would come out That happened like three days in a row and I'm like, I got cancer. You gotta get out of LA I gotta get out of LA and then it stopped. I stopped taking those vitamins You gotta get out of LA sometimes vitamins are the worst things in the fucking world Well, yeah, you have to you have to look at the vitamins are dangerous because of how they're making them If they're not made out of like actual really good ingredients and sometimes you take too much of something That's shit. You have to really like look into what's in the vitamin. You can't just take a multi. Why I take like fish oil

That's good. Yeah, I think vitamin D vitamin D Your B vitamins all that shit that they said about the zinc You need to fight the fucking whatever I take the D It's more important to have a whole package You got to get like those vital mushrooms like those ashwagandha the reishi The cordyceps you got to get stuff that's like, you know, like neutropics like take care of your brain Some of those vitamins you put in your system and you the bioavailability is not there and you piss them all out

And that's probably why your piss smells so bad because they weren't Horrible. I mean right through your system. I've been off for three days And my piss smells like lemonade again. Oh, I could sell on a stand. You know what I'm saying? I could give a little boy fucking remind me not to drink lemonade at your house Just a man will ask you, you know, so you're going to Syracuse. What do you got in mind? I'm gonna go my mom is She's got like COPD and lupus So I have to I'm gonna drive because I'm not gonna get on a plane. I don't want to get on a plane

I'm gonna drive cross-country. You have to quarantine once you get there. Yeah So I have to quarantine for like a week when I get there just make it your Oklahoma city So you could stop oh, yeah, but I mean it's outside. What are they? Okay, they're doing outside If you want to just a thought maybe one on the way wouldn't be bad. You can make a little scratch Yeah, one night. See if they do Thursday. Yeah, it would be kind of fun just to do it during the time Just experience it a little bit. I mean you buy you going by yourself my dogs Yeah, I've done the trip cross-country trip three times back and forth from east. It's great It's like the only time you really get to like do nothing and just zone out. Yes

You drive through Utah Holy shit, Utah feels like another country the way it looks it just looks like you're on The surface of another planet. We were thinking of driving across country But then I looked at my wife and I go, let me talk to you about something. Let me holler at you We've been in the house for five months. We got a seven-year-old that's got Spanish blood The chiefs get red if she doesn't see daylight by two and we got three cats They're gonna be going meow the whole fucking ride and we'll listen to Disney radio Oh, you will someone will get murdered music. I go by Indianapolis. Either you're gonna drop me off

I'm gonna drop you off Or we're gonna just file for divorce Indianapolis even that's like because we had it. We had the plan We were gonna stop in Utah, Denver India, Iowa Chicago and then drive straight home something like that. I knew was either either Indiana That's close. Yeah, I told my wife. I go. I'm gonna be honest here. We're not gonna make it. It's a smart move I'm telling you right now because that's five nights in a hotel That's 15 meals

And in and out of the car with your bags and you have to bring everything in and out because they're gonna rob you Yeah, oh, you have you have you can't leave you can't leave Max is out there. Yeah, so everything has to come in with you. Yep the important stuff Oh the important I bought shades for my car. I bought shades for everyone Shades like those little roll-up things No, no, no, no, no, it's like legit like you they put magnets and you can't see it all What are you gonna do about your california license plate? Fuck not. Oh you follow me so you can put shades I'm gonna park in places that have a garage

Trust me. I I thought about it. You're going cross country too. I just yeah, I just had my car broken into you Don't talk to nobody at gas station. No, don't tell nobody nobody. You don't know nothing What are you doing here? I'm coming to see my grandmother. She lives next door Can I jump in the car not even for fuck? My friend just did it and she goes it's creepy out there I have a bat in the car one night. They stopped somewhere and that she went out to get something out of the car And there were people in the parking lot if it's creepy then i'll just sleep in the car. It's creepy It was creepy last year. I stopped in st. Louis

No, you can't Has a parking lot with a security But even that I did that in st. Louis and there was a parking lot with a security guard Roaming around and I went into the hotel. I had all my dogs Put them into the room and then I was going to go back out to the car to get the valuables so that they're not staying in the car overnight I bring carlin with me because he's a pit boxer mix So I leave my little dogs in the room bring my pit boxer with me just in case And when I come out of the the door to the hotel to go into the parking lot

There's like a a huge Garbage like one of those dumpsters underneath a a street lamp in the parking lot and parking lots kind of full And this guy comes from out behind the dumpster. It's about midnight And I you know that you just know I was like, oh, this is this is no good. This guy doesn't need sugar He's he's waiting to see who the fuck is going to their cars He comes towards me and I was like don't come near me I was like stop and he's like can I pet your dog after I said don't come near me and stop And then I was like, okay, fuck this is gonna turn into some scenario

So I scrambled to get into my car lock the door. He came right up to my window And do you know what the creepiest part was joey his his demeanor? He was so low and calm Like why don't you open? Let me talk to your dog. Let me pet your dog. I mean Yeah, he's good. I felt like I felt so violated I've never been that scared in my life even with carlin that dude came up to me. He didn't give a fuck And I drove away. I was I sped away I got pulled over by the cops because I was going 90 and a 30

Yeah, they put they came right up to the car. They're like, uh, what's going on? You go a little fast I was like some dude in a parking lot in your in your airport hotel Tried to just like car jack me and rape me pretty much and they're like, oh, yeah, you got california planes You can't you can't come around here like that like he mentioned being from california if you're traveling anybody guys anywhere If you're traveling when you park Don't stay on hotels on the road. No, you can't go into the city Back your shit up if you have a u-haul somebody's not sleeping it and women have to women fumble in the car You need to be aware mother fuckers snatch you from your car

Because you're you're leaning you got your door open you're leaving leaning over in the passenger seat You got your dog. They're gonna kill that friend. They're gonna kill that fucking french poodle the poodle's done The poodle's gone. It's it's just such a shame that I've sat my wife down and explained to my wife today after the bully busters thing Now she's like, oh my god, it's hitting our backyard. I've been telling you that for weeks. I've always got a habit We're going outside at 9 30 to drink a beer

in front of the house And I told her the other night right out. It's the last time we're doing this I go because people drive by and they think you're a single woman living here And if my car is not here and you're out here at 9 30 drinking they're gonna run you right into the house And then they're gonna have a problem with my daughter And then I'm gonna have a problem with you when I get home. I suggest You want to drink a fucking beer you go in the garage like everybody else What are you trying to do in the front of the house because she goes I just want to go outside and get in

I'm like there's cars there's people They're just driving in these neighborhoods and sets of fours In a nice Mustang. I see them in suvs Driving around that night and it's like chris rock said nobody goes to the atm at three o'clock For money for something good nobody's gonna call you for a kidney donation money right at four in the morning Right. It's never a good scenario. You know when I talked to the owner of bully buses She goes the cameras outside spotted them at 130 case in the joint your place. No, no The bully bus was bully busters with my daughter self-defense. Oh, that's the name of the place

Did she did she get completely cleaned out? I cleaned they stole a couple things my heart goes out to so my wife's gonna Again, thank god for the patreon. Yeah, I'm gonna go over there and give her a little something My daughter's gonna go over there That's really nice. I'm gonna give her a little dinner for her to take her mother and help her now because She has not caught a break. There's people right now That are not catching break. No, and they didn't they weren't catching a break prior to her. She has a martial arts school They bailed so she can't the rent is due The rent as the school is due that's so brutal somebody stole her cell phone the other day

You know, it's just right now people are going through Hard patches and as long as you know, this is a human being What you could do is be a better human being to these people be a little nicer Somebody don't have a mask on just walk the other way. Yep. I don't mean you have to talk to them Don't mean you yet. Who the fuck gave you a badge. Amen. Who gave you a fucking badge? Just walk the other way I almost I thought about you the other day. I almost got in trouble I was at a goodwill donating stuff and this guy was in line to go into the sort of shop and he was

Yelling at people this thing isn't real this thing is a hoax. No one knows anyone who got anything And I was like, I don't somebody I would just have a conversation And then he like he's like, no, you don't and I just left Because they weren't taking donations But I was like if he's in line to shop a goodwill things aren't going well Why do I care? Why am I trying to argue with him? Right? No, he's he's got it worse than you Yeah, no, I was hiking and some dude screamed at me a hiking up in nature There's nobody around like I you pass people once in a while, but you're literally 15 20 feet away from each other

This guy yelled at me. I'm up there with my dogs. I go up early in the morning clear my mind You gotta put a mask on I know I like everywhere else I'm supposed to I do But I'm I I can't even breathe as it is Regularly like it's fine with the mask. I can breathe the mask To ride in the bat bike with it But you gotta see the mask when I'm finished with it. I just throw it away Is it filled with everything that you're sweaty at the end of all that shit?

It's just sweaty You're spraying that shit near an open flame. Oh, yeah, I always do that Just to give it a little fucking a little papuza. You know what I'm saying? What'd you call that spray? I don't know. I don't I got so many names. You have so many words It doesn't matter the vocabulary runs deep in my world. Okay, that stuff smells so fucking bad joey What would you rather have And here where's your mask leave put your mask on Oh, look at your cute man. He's got his little boy. So are you contaminated Lee?

You better not be contaminated. You're contaminated with cuteness. Thank you Oh, look at that Look at that thing. Look at that face Yeah, but I can't wear this on the road because people will hit the red socks You'll get beaten up wearing a red socks. I lived in Boston for a while. So where? Um all over a little actually, uh, Alston. Oh, right. The college area. Yeah, it was a lot of fun They flipped cars when they won the world series. Oh, yeah things were it was like rioting and

Looting I didn't understand that. Why don't I do that when people win? They're just burn shit Doesn't make any sense Somebody was telling me a story there about why people are fans of people of teams Because they're losers and they identify with winners and that's why I was like, boy, you've been lonely for a long time This is what you're thinking about Because they identify with losers. Yeah, I mean, I don't know what the fuck they were talking about I don't even know what the fuck I was hearing this at. I think it was somebody's podcast Why people are fans of teams because they're done for their losers

So they have to identify with a winner and I'm like, oh jesus you're too fucking boy. Just watch They were complaining about the basketball isn't the same. It doesn't look good. I mean every candle is burning up a storm Oh my god, if that's not a sign of the times your candle is just done. It's done. That's it that's it That's it. Fuck. Listen, whatever happens here I did my time You've you seem we'll do what we need to do. Oh my god. You seem it more at peace than I've ever seen you You have no idea because the fucking the the jeopardy is over

I look behind the curtain You know, you got to be careful what you wish for in this life. Mm-hmm I was very fortunate to look behind the curtain and guess what I didn't like what I saw. Yeah So it was kind of perturbing me for a while and Now I just want to be a regular fucking comic I don't have to worry about netflix or ever talk about netflix again or worry about nothing other than that shit I did my time. That's it I don't have to talk to these people and be you know, like interested in not, you know

Yeah, that part is that part. You know, I went to a meeting a couple weeks ago and I could tell that i'm done Like i'm pretty much done as far as all that, you know those people that we have to talk to you about listen tell me what it is What's your pay? Yeah, give me the what's the brass tag? Let's start with the pay and then let's work Yeah, exactly. Let's save ourselves a lot of time because if all this is for low budget sag I'm gonna hit you in the head with a fucking pipe You know low budget sag. It's not just gonna happen. That's a hundred bucks. It's not gonna happen Yeah, but come on. You're not doing anything. I listen. I'm not doing it So you're barking up the wrong tree right now

For me to do all any of that shit. It's getus You know, you want to make me happy? Give me an envelope before this shoot. You'll see me fucking act like marlon brando. I'll be fucking I'll be that irish guy. I'll be the best there ever is But this genuine shit now that they gotta put you through It's gonna change a lot. Yeah, it really is it already has I want not many acting coaches Are gonna go down all those acting class so many businesses going to pay for that shit those spaces Nobody can go and do those classes. I was like that theater that that's got a police sign. What theater on fucking

Lancashire Really right across from the 24 hour fitness Wow. Oh, no, no, that's a poll towel. That's not going nowhere. That's mbc run. Okay mbc runs that one the one lower The one when you get into the theater area in Lancashire My tomb have the lease signs already. That's it. I mean those people No, so many people are gonna have to leave. Yeah small theater is done So many things and like I said for you to shoot successfully You have to spend money. Yep. So if you haven't incubated and they're all like

All over the place somebody's gonna get sick and then they're gonna shut everything now. Look at baseball versus basketball Yeah, is baseball almost done? They're not saying it but like the entire marlin's organization got it They did yeah, like 17 like 20 people got Miami, you know, that's a fucking cesspool down there Just like la is you know with cesspool. Yeah, people aren't listening. Were you open too soon? I don't know why we're reopening. Miami. Look at the bar. Look at the towns that open As covacs look at the towns that open. Yeah, florida party. No matter where they don't give a fuck Texas they don't give a fuck

Arizona you got tempi And you got there you know Tempe's open tempi was open. Wow all those clubs in those cities were open West Palm state open Houston state open Dallas state open Phoenix state open tempi state open national state open

That's insane What are you gonna do? I get people have to pay bills though. I mean I I get all that stuff, but I don't want people paying bills. That's why I decided not to do dick Until this is done. I don't want nobody getting sick. I'm you told me that from the beginning I don't why would who the fuck is your dears? Do you want to go see him anyway? How stupid are you to sit with a bunch of other dirty and then to be the one that causes some shit to go down? Yeah, it's not worth it. Ha What happens when I go, ha ha ha everything but my fucking tooth flies out when I go, ha ha ha

Well, sometimes your tooth comes too Sometimes you never know you should have seen it. I wish I would have seen it She was grinding those teeth and all that pubic hair, you know, from the 80s Sometimes you eat somebody's asshole and the pubic hair gets yeah, it happens around the tooth And you just leave it there. Yeah, but the head is inside and it won't even defloss like I smelled shit I smelled old meat Like it was just old meat. Oh my god, and he's not talking about like a meat sandwich She's talking about like pussy meat. No

No, I'm talking about oh you talking about salami something that ham and cheese sandwich It was terrible, but I sat there like a trooper for six and a half hours getting drilled Nothing gives me more anxiety than that than having to be in a dentist's chair for more than a clear. She was great She really I only felt two of the needles and if anybody knows me, you know, I'm a bitch when it comes to needles Those Morning at nine o'clock where they put the needles everywhere to clean all that shit out of me But don't you have to lay down for that? Yeah, so you're okay laying down for that. Yeah, because you know, you're not gonna get Yeah, he's very good. Yeah. Yeah, he's very good. And before

Him I had her for Close to 10 years. Wow I was a dr. Amy for close to 10 2006 to maybe two years ago Is this the acupuncturist or the dentist and you've been doing acupuncture for 10 years? Since 2006 damn a year before the cocaine Before I quit cocaine and it was funny because she would put stitches in my ear There's a click you could put in your ear to help you with

Uh addiction and I would I would say let's see if it works And I would snort coke to see when it would fly off and after about a gram the thing would just go It would just fly off because It's not gonna work She would fucking try to heal me With the cocaine with the acupuncture and I would go right Tuesdays was my big night So you get acupuncture on the Tuesday morning and you go do blow Tuesday night. Tuesday was my big night That was my big night Monday was like an off night. I was like a gram just to get the blood going

Nobody gets their feelings hurt Tuesday nights when we went deep into the murky waters Wednesday you take a little night off ain't nothing going on Then you hit it off Thursday you gear up for the weekend. Oh, and let and let's say I was going to a town Like to work to open up for joe or something Oh, it'd be waiting for me at the club when I got that I've never ever ever done it joe get off stage and go Where's joe ideas? You ain't that stupid. I

Ask him. I would leave p.m. You could call me a thousand times That phone wasn't gonna pick up and you could knock on my door. I'm not answering You won't hear a peep in there. I'm in the tub. I'm in the tub hiding jerking off Doing lines I would get coked up and going to tub like Whitney Houston. Oh shit Fucking hysterical as shit. I would do people be pounding on the floor. Would there be water in it? Or you'd just be sitting on the tub sometimes that's a little bit water sometimes that wouldn't be Oh my god. No, I love taking showers when I was coked out. I loved it. I would just

Didn't use to lay and just let it run on you. I remember you saying that I still do That's why I work Vegas Because when you get work Vegas, they always give you the big room nice bathrooms with a big shower Like a sweet in the morning. You have some coffee Do a couple vapor pen loads And you go right in there and sit there for 45 minutes Do you ship before like a gentleman? Yeah, I ship before she cleaned the ass. Oh good And you bang one out you relax a little while you think

Like once you get in there, you bang a good one out right on the little chair They give you you have to put a tile on it or not your pimple your ass gets pimples They always give you that little stump with a water on it. I don't get in Vegas. You never get that in the shower It's a little stool. It's not even like a stool. It's built into the wall with tile. Okay. Yeah. Yeah It's like a little corner. It's no good for you. I shave my leg on that. Yeah, you put your leg so small I sit on it like a like a lady. Yeah, like an orphan. I just sit there singing italian songs Like veto and godfather too like retarded veto when he was young in the beginning and he's singing little conchonetas So I would just go I'll go in a shower for fucking an hour and just sit there and I'll bang two good ones out

I'll bang the first ones that stick come The one that slips like if you stand up, you'll slip on it. You should it's slippery. It's like I've never myself I mean, I've seen it. I know you've been banged in the shower. Yeah, okay. It's the worst. It's the worst It's the worst and they can't get their footing. I'm too short because girls have to go on it ruins our lubrication Yeah, girls have to go on that tippy toes You can't get us wet if you're gonna bang us in the shower Don't allow our pussies to get wet. You got to keep the water away from us. Really? Yeah, it ruins our lubricant Yeah, it deteriorates. I was an asshole once he got one of those hotel rooms with the hot tub in it

Oh, no, no, you can't no, no, no. Yeah yeast infections UTIs like it's He got it. He got in the tub. Yeah, he came when he got a tub with his little runaway. No, no And he came back when he pulled the fucking big mask for a doubt Who's the runaway? Who's the fucking mask down to talk? There was the runaway the mexican brought he took it to a tub up in fucking Paolo's road days he came back with pink eye and a rash on his head Ew Lee I was in big bear. I thought you could go to a hot tub. I never went to a hot tub where it was bad before

God, you all big bear hot tub That's what I'm talking about. Now, you know, I sprayed he went in the bathtub like five years ago. It's still Still that bottle never ends I know and jesus, I should be done by now And I got one over here. What does that say come on it? What is ozio? Oh, Jesus. I mean, I got this one here. This is heavy duty. Oh god. Don't spray that you spraying your snatch The homeless people get here. What this has little droplets. Why are you aiming it at me? Everybody got problems

Everybody got problems jesse may jesus cry I Just to me. I want to say that You have grown to become one of my favorite ladies in this town I love you very much. I love you too. I think at the beginning of the quarantine. I called you and you and I Had a conversation that We made each other cry. I don't know what We were laughing so hard

We were fucking I called you yelling screaming Cause you were sitting We were talking about something that's off color like off color We were howling And I'm like, thank god some people still have a sense of humor You checked on me more than some of my family. Yeah, I had to check on you because I know you're a singer I didn't know I thought you said the boy from really lived in oklahoma

Or one of the flops where yeah, so he's done. Yeah, you find him Yeah, I mean, you know Things move on things move on things happen and things of the next one's gonna be marriage. I feel it Maybe I think so. I've never been the girl. It's like I need to get married. Have you been proposed to? Yeah, once and you turned them down. Yeah, it wasn't I was young. I was in my 20s I had no business even, you know, I didn't know what I wanted I didn't have myself worth in check and it wasn't right And we any proposed to me

It's so cheesy at the top of the empire state building, but we were like on a breakup Like we were already broken up and he's like, I want to take you I was like, okay You know when you do that sort of back and forth thing after you break up He's like, I think we should get married. I'm like, are you is that your proposal and he didn't even have a fucking ring I got killed himself No, he's he's fine. He's a wife and a child now But you can't ask a bitch to marry you As a quote as like a well, maybe we should get married like it should be a definitive thing

Like will you marry me and there should be a ring You can't just like hand me a cheese doodle and that's gonna be okay. My wife on the phone That's I mean, you can get away with that. You're you're a unicorn I just called and so listen, we've been together for nine years. I think it's time What do you think? Where were you? I was like driving I was like, what do you think and she goes, I guess so I go I want to marry And she was gonna give me a ring. I go I go get it right now. We'll go off the work and get it

I gotta call your father. I hung up on her. I never even talked. I talked to her for like maybe twice Yeah, I called them both of my home mr. Clark Tell Judy to get on the other phone My future mother-in-law. He's like, what are you talking about? I got just proposed to you a daughter I want to marry. Is that okay with you because I guess That was it. That's really we got married on a wednesday before thanksgiving on worship boulevard at some little fucking chapel We we had the party at the hollywood bowl. We told people not to bring gifts to dress like you wanted

That's great fried chicken from rouse. Uh, pastrami from fucking uh Langers and something else and we got oh, we got pork from uh, we got pork chunks from Pork chunks. Oh, coach. You need though. Jesus christ Tremendous pork chunks. Is that what you call them fried pork chunks with black beans and rice cubans You do not want me in your household after I've eaten that you got to taste these pork chunks too bad They're closed. I take it down there right now Would you ask me to bring a pair of sweatpants? Did you ask your wife to bring a pair of sweatpants or shorts? When for the wedding so you guys go get you a toes massage after that was after we got we did we got married on a wednesday

How fun is that? It's great. It's first of all, I hated non-traditional. I hated douchebags that I'm getting married. Really? Yeah I know you'll come to hawaii june 1st and say these destination wedding sons of cunts Listen, you and your faggot husband both used to suck my dick on hawaii, right? I had an invitation once to a wedding only in hollywood Only in hollywood Some chick gave me an invite new year's day in mexico. Oh, fuck you new year's day And I actually called her up like I was like rude. That's what I was like

I was still doing coke. I actually opened up the envelope and I'm like and this bitch just got faked hits Like I knew her for years. We weren't we never slept together. We were dear friends But she's beautiful. She just gets faked hits The bad like I never saw them without I saw them with clothes in a shirt And she got some bang and faked hits and four months later. She gets married. I get the invite And I'm like new year's day So I call it up I go law

Not for nothing congratulations But you're getting married on new year's day. That's the day when people are the most poorest Yeah, and she goes. Yeah, but I'm gonna make it an event. We want you to come on the 23rd What the fuck? Oh, you should have heard this shit and I'm getting married new year's night Don't be beautiful. All this. We have a resort. It's like 4,300 and I'm like Who the fuck and I go on number two You just got fake tits Go fucking play the field. Go shake those things miles on them. You're gonna marry the first fucking guy with those fake tits

Those fake tits could yield you a lot better than what you got. You can get paid. Yeah, you got great fake tits You're gonna get you you're gonna get a 401k after four months. That's it. That's it four months is shaking those tits No, you need a couple years wasted tits What a waste of fucking tits and she's like having a rental you don't use or at least yeah, she moved to Mexico Ah She doesn't know how to plan. She needs it. She needs better planning. Fuck these mother fucking weddings I love you, man. I love you too. I'm happy you made it today. Stay in touch with me, please Absolutely

You're one of my favorite people and you're one of my favorite people You've always kept it real and I've always appreciated anytime anyone's Mentioned you I've always raved about you because you've always Welcomed me into your world and I feel so fortunate that you've allowed me on your platform and into your life How's your little gay buddy? Send them my love. I love that motherfucker Justin, that's my dog There's two gay men. I love him this time him and fucking Eric Eric the fag. What's his name? Eric Rocha. I love him. I love him

Justin, I love because he don't give a fuck if anybody knows he's gay No, and you better check yourself with Justin because he'll take you to the deep end You don't play right with Justin Justin will capitalize on you. Yeah, that's true. He'll take out that fucking little gay fan And next you know, please Get rubbing your back. Lee just don't fuck around and then you know sticks the ball one minute. You're smoking popular the next moment He's rubbing your back. It's gonna be okay. We won't tell nobody everybody does it one time Even Joey really? Yeah, I think he got fucked in the ass. No, he didn't. Yeah, he did

He'll tell you whatever he'll rub your head the whole thing You won't be able to to fend him because you'll be deep into your 2,000 milligram edible A little in the asshole part sounds like a good time. Well, have you ever had it? Asshole? Yeah. No. Well, then you don't know if you'd like it or not. You should have it first and then judge it They're gonna get him up in Milwaukee. Oh, yeah Those dama fucking little descendants that he left up there Those motherfuckers that'll fucking and eat you. They're gonna walk you right to your asshole Wait till they get a load of you up there. They're gonna take you into some closet. We are you with us and drive

I'm trying not to hear these things He's terrible things. He's he says this is my friend. He checks on me at night, but let me say these terrible things Yeah, yeah, illa joe, you're the worst. You're like I drive by check out my boy. Lee. You're gonna get fucked in the ass In the walkie a cock sucker. These guys are good at ram. They're pulled right in your ass Wait till that gay community don't fuck around up there They don't fucking don't fucking an igloo up there. They'll take you right in igloo with some eskimos. They'll whip him I drive around and check Check Lee's alley in the morning, then your alley is gonna get fucked at night

I check his alley every night because they broke into his fucker. He's a devil and the angel at the same time That's why he's the greatest I love you jesse. I love you. All right. I want to thank jesse. My paluso Always a fucking honor to have her in here Two more weeks cock suckers. You better appreciate this before we go Don't forget the church is brought to you by drab kings Download the app

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