Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - A good story never dies with T.J. English

Episode Date: April 15, 2025

Author T.J. English (The Corporation) joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt for one of the best episodes we have had on the east coast. They talk about Jazz and it's surprising connection to organized crime, the worst meal Joey has had in years, why we were lied to about hard drugs and much more! T.J.'s new book, "The Last Kilo" is available everywhere, now! Support the show & try your first month of BlueChew for free, just pay $5 for shipping. Press in code JOEY at ⁠https://www.bluechew.com ⁠ Support the show and download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and press in code JOEY. New customers can bet $5 to get $200 in bonus bets instantly. \

Sunday we just went and it was the worst meal ever that fucking pf Chang's yesterday I got a you even end up a pf. I go to pf Chang's once a month. I get the session on beef. Are we on yet? Yeah, well, we're recording we don't have to be but nah fucking let's go from here. We get the session on beef I get that hot and sour soup and you're safe the rice. You're always fucking safe Always safe with that. They got the little noodles. You know, always safe with that. Yesterday I had to go to the mall. I had the girls with me. Everybody's hungry all of a sudden. I'm fucking hungry. We just ate bread. We're hungry. All right. Let's go to P.F. Chang's. Let's go to P.F. Chang's. I go in there. They got the oolong

sea bass. They've had the oolong sea bass for 30 fucking years, but they took it off the fucking menu. When I went in there, the only reason why I went to P.F. Chang's, I agreed, is because they got fried chicken now. They do? And since I got no fried chicken in New Jersey, at least this kills the whatever. It's not the best fried chicken, but it ain't bad either. So I go in there, they got no fried chicken, and they got the Oolong fucking sea bass, which they haven't had for fucking two years.

So I go, you know what, let me live off a little bit off the box. Let me get the oolong, whatever the fuck it was. I got the house salad, and that was it. The house salad, they poured like 2,000 gallons of that Asian dressing on. I got a headache. I gave you a headache? And the fucking oolong, I don't know who cooked it. It wasn't no oolong, it was fucking deep fried or some shit.

Dude, I have to be, you have to admit, if I was coming in here with I went to P.F. Chang's and got fish, you would have a 45 minute rant. I've been getting fish at P.F. Chang's for 10 years. You live in New Jersey and what about Freddie? What happened to Freddie when I go on the road? When I go on the road to Columbus there's certain towns I could pay exactly what the cities are right I go to pf change close to the hotel and they always got the fish in

The salad can't go wrong with the fish in the salad cannot go wrong You know people get the fucking Maki Maki shrimp in the fire. I like none of that shit. I like none of that Fire crack the shrimp. Oh, that's good. I like that. Yeah. Yeah, that's right cuz you're fucking dead You know you're going there with a little hat And then I know you eat sushi at fucking no, I don't need it stab you Got three long blemished record of three rolls. What a an unblemished record of PFTs. They got three rolls. What a coincidence. They're all pre-packaged and you're in there.

I'm eating Asian, you know. But the fish ain't bad. That's my point. First of all, it was 44 bucks. Damn. They raised it. The fucking salt and pepper prawns were 31, and they were greasy as fuck. I tasted one, I had to spit it out.

I went home, both of us, me and my wife, were shitting blood all the time. Everybody was shitting. The only one is my Billy Goat daughter. She had the beef and broccoli, she was safe. She was fucking safe. Right. How did you end up there instead of going to Freddy

or like a regular Chinese place? Because I was in Freehold at the fucking mall. Do you not understand me? Yeah, but if I had that excuse, you would be ripping me a new asshole right now because you did it because a girl told you to go there Your girl told you to go there. I did it because the boss and my fucking daughter my wife told me to go there Oh your daughter's the boss? Yeah You ever sit with that miserable fuck at a restaurant? If she don't like it, it's fucking misery.

She looks on her phone, she looks around the restaurant like a retard, I can't, I can't. So I gotta take her somewhere where she fucking enjoys the food and she's gonna be, there was a Yankee game on, you know, we're watching that, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, I got stuck with her, listen. I had the week from hell last week.

Okay. Okay. But not really. This is the shit I live for. On paper, it sounds shitty. I went to my daughter's middle school game. I get there and the bus from our school is there and the girls from our school is there,

but I don't see the other team. We're waiting and then this is the home team. It's a fucking home team. I'm like where's this fucking home team at? So I'm sitting in my car I'm watching them warm up and all of a sudden I see the principal of school run out from the school we're playing at and she's like game's been canceled our team went over to Marlboro and you guys came here so forget it. So it's 3.30 in the afternoon. So all these kids are scrambling,

they were on their phone calling their parents, like three of these fucking kids, their parents work like six o'clock at night. So my daughter comes over, she calls me, she goes, Dad, no game. I could fucking tell that, all right? I could see you guys are walking over here now. So she goes, and what's her name's parents?

Don't get out till five. Do you mind? I go, bring her with you. And then she called back. She goes, the Jewish girl's parents. Don't get out till five. I go, bring her with you too, because I like her.

I like both those girls. So they got in the car. That was the longest 30 minutes of my life. Three 12 year old girls do not shut the fuck up. And they were talking to you? No, they don't wanna talk to an old fucking man for. They had some fucking music on and fucking jamming and yelling and talking about the school and this.

Then I go, I asked them the question of life. You wanna crack three little girls? What do you ladies wanna eat? Oh, it's like I fucking pulled the fucking plug and threw a fucking grenade back there. I don't like this, I don't like that, I don't like this. There's one girl that, her legs, I like this. Her little waist is like this.

I will put the picture up. You gotta see how she eats meat and hamburgers. She weighs 10 pounds. Her mother tells me all the time, she goes, we had to leave here and take her for a fucking steak last week. She ate everything. She cleaned off the steak and she didn't give a fuck.

She'll go anywhere, that girl. Is she the Jewish one? No, the Jewish one was the one I, I'm like, how about Chinese food? I don't know. You're a fucking Jew, you know what I mean? Oh my God, especially right before Passover. I'm like, Jewish, you about Chinese food? I don't know fucking you. Oh my god, especially Over I'm like Jewish you want Chinese food. She's like, I don't know. I'll find something. I'm like god damn it

So I took him for pizza Okay, fancy fucking restaurant and they were in love. They all got their little sodas with the cherries in it and shit Oh the Shirley temples. Yeah, they were that was the best when you were like a kid. Hey something those girls devoured that tape My wife got it my daughter got a chicken parlor was the size of my head The other girl got a whole fucking pizza and the other girl got the half pound cheeseburger with the fries Gun, I didn't eat dick because I had the stitches in my mouth. I had to sit there just

No wonder they like going out to eat with you. Nah, I had them for like an hour and a half. It was, the shit they were talking about is fucking amazing. That the shit that they were talking about in that car, who's dating who. At 12? Oh yeah, they don't even kiss.

They just walk around like, yeah, they weren't dating, but they walk around like yeah, they weren't dating but they never talked at school Oh, yeah, okay talking about you. I'm saying that's that's when you're dating you hold hands here. You break up the same day Yeah, yeah, they don't they don't like that shit. Then my daughter told the story about when she was six She had a boyfriend for about two weeks But the kid kept getting in trouble a Russian kid named Nikita and she dumped him in that day He slipped and cut his hand. He got stitches in school. My daughter's like I felt so bad I just dumped him like what the fuck I don't even remember Nikita. He was a big fucking kid for eight years old What does it feel like to you like, you know to hear your daughter talking about like dating and like she was she's she's like fucking

I think my daughter's gonna be a lesbian. I don't know. She like softball, you know,, it's like a middle. No, she wasn't, she's like fucking, I think my daughter's gonna be a lesbian. I don't know, she likes softball, you know, and she's like, I don't know, those kids are goofy. One day she told me, she goes, those kids in my class, they come in thinking that they got a big dick, dad, but she goes, at the end of the day, I got a bigger dick, and I just looked at her. I'm like, okay, that's how you want it, so.

Jesus, I can't wait till she's like 16, just going crazy. What were you like at 12? Do you think about that now when you look at her? Yeah, and it's two different worlds. Were you dating back then? She's doing at 12. I was starting to fall in love with this girl

when I dry humped, that's it. Oh, the New Yorker? Mm-hmm, I dry humped, that's it. Oh, then New Yorker? Mm-hmm. We dry humped, we walked home together, we danced at the school dances. I mean, that was it, there was no, I mean, in my mind, there was sexual shit, because I was raised on that shit.

I got Cuban uncles who asked you at five, have you got your dick sucked? Have you got your dick sucked? You got your dick sucked? You're like, ah, you start crying. You don't know what the fuck they're talking about. But that's what they ask you, if you're piss ah, you start crying, you don't know what the fuck they're talking about, but that's what they ask you if you're piss sweet, you know.

Creepy fucking Cuban uncles, all of them would be in prison time. Right. Because the shit they say to you growing up is you're a fucking young man, so. Do you fuck with, I mean obviously not like in the sexual way, but like do you fuck with these kids at all?

No. No? No. Wow. Because they're young women and I don't want them to take something wrong and go to their homes and then say something. That makes sense.

I said something, so I don't discuss anything in front of them. I talk some shit in front of my daughter. She's my fucking daughter. Right. But these yellow young girls, no. If they get in the car and they get into a car, I'll tell them, lighten up on the fucking conversation. And they don't think that way.

Guys, trust me when I'm telling you that I'm around these kids, I see them like the little boys, they're 12 still. When I was 12, I was starting to bang it out. I was sniffing my aunt's bras. I was doing creepy shit. These guys probably are, but they're reserved. They wear slippers with socks on.

These fucking kids, they don't even have cum in their nuts. They're so weak. I mean, they're just at a test. Men don't even have testosterone. Grown men have the lowest testosterone rates of all time with the egg whites and the faggotry and the fucking, and the phone and the fucking, you know. There's no cum left. You think these 12 yearolds are gonna have cum in their little nut sacks? They don't eat like us. They don't eat, you know. When we were growing up, you ate what your mother cooked, fucking pasta, steak, black beans.

These fucking kids got every single option and there's every single chemical in their fucking food. Right. From Cheerios to fucking, you know, everything. They don't even have sperm they have nothing They're fucking nothing these little facts Jesus Christ, do you think you think it's going that way cuz like I would have thought it's I'm just telling you what I read What articles are you reading what they're talking about?

About I'm not talking about kids, but what I'm saying is it's a fucking crisis right now that they've tested men 25 to 34 at testosterone levels across the board. That's why you see these guys with their brown shoes and their blue suits and they tighten up. They look like fucking faggots. They look like fucking faggots, but it's accepted now. Look at men today, they don't look like men no more.

They don't look like James no more. They don't look like James Colburn, they don't look like fucking Salazzo, what was that guy's name? They don't look like that. They don't look like that. And then again you look at women. If you guys are watching this, if you're young, dig up Playboy magazine on Google. Look at what tits looked like in the 70s. They were thicker and the fucking circle in the middle was gigantic, whatever that fucking thing is. The areola. The areola was huge. Titties from the 70s and titties from the 2000s

are two complete different fucking titties. I never thought about it. What do you think happened to the titties? Everything changed. Women started putting more shit in their bodies just like fucking men did. So I know for a fact right now, if you look up the fucking charts

Testosterone is down in young men So it's got to be down in young kids. It didn't even reach It doesn't even fucking reach and that has to do with playing Guys when you're on a fucking computer and you're running that's testosterone and your fucking legs computer and you're running that's testosterone in your fucking legs walking upstairs walking up the field with your fucking football uniform on that's what builds testosterone at our age at my age if I sit there and watch TV there's nothing in your dick you try to jerk off it won't get hard and if you do get it hard for a minute and a half dust comes comes out of it. That's proven. You got to stick up with your fucking protein and you got to fucking do stuff from here down. You

got to do stuff from here down. That's your sperm. That's your fucking growth hormone. Then you got to supplement with that shit that's big now. The fucking tit milk. Breast milk? Yeah. You can get it in powder. Really? What's the first shot of tit milk that comes out? It's liquor gold, they call it liquor gold. What's that shit called? I've never heard of it.

Yeah, when the baby comes out of the fucking womb and the doctor gives it back to the mom, that first blast of tit milk, colostrum, it's called colostrum, and it comes in fucking packages now. And you gotta put two or three fucking dips in your milk every day Or whatever and watch what happens to your dick watch what happens to your hair. I started taking a year I got no hair on my head, but everywhere else. I'm a wolf man. I got here Oh my god, my wife had a shave my ear the other day

Yeah, I got here everywhere else on my legs my fucking behind my kneecaps it grows hair colostrum not where you need it. Oh I know because you've been like hairless like I've seen more of you than I like you I've never seen hair on any part of you. That's what I'm saying fuck That's what I'm saying. So I don't even know how we got on this conversation I have no idea with testosterone But then I had the best day of my life, the other day when I went to the fucking dentist. I went to a dentist that's high end, computers, 3D imagery.

This is wild. I mean, you get raped up the fucking ass, but you go to these old guys and they're still working like 1970. You can't fucking do it. So I went to this guy just to check him out. Oh my God, they print it up on the thing. They show you your teeth, they got a DJ behind you.

Scratching, it's fucking amazing. So I go in there, the guy's like, I gotta rip two teeth out, I gotta take medication the night before. I go in there, fucking 10 in the morning, I put the iPod, whatever the fuck, your earphones on. And guys, he started popping needles in my mouth. I felt the first three, and I thought I didn't feel anything.

At the end, I go, did you pull your teeth out yet? He goes, I did that in the beginning. I didn't feel two teeth, and they're 60-year-old Cuban teeth, pre-revolutionary teeth, you know what I'm saying? When there was fucking real tit milk and Russians in Cuba. You're not lying, you open everything with your teeth. I've seen you open like fucking like metal with your teeth. Yeah, metal with you Cuban teeth dog. I seen him go like this for a minute But and this was your best day

What this was a good day for you? It was good because I lived it I thought I was gonna faint eight times But I didn't the only thing that bothered me was the stitches the cotton that hang on my mouth Every time he'd have to fucking put it in the cap would hang in my mouth It was driving me. Why don't you like cotton? I fucking hate cut Really? I hate I like cotton underwears and a cotton t-shirt But a ball of cotton drives me fucking crazy when you rub it on me Even like a q-tip when you fucking stick it in my ear at first. That's why I always do those coke pens

You ever scratch a you with a Coke pen and shit, the bick that you pop the top from? I've seen you do that, yeah, the blue ones, yeah. You pop it, you snort Coke, but before you snort the Coke, you scratch your ear with it and the wax holds onto that little Coke, the next morning you oughta be looking for that Coke sucker. Did you ever put Coke in your ear?

Anyway. I don't know, fuck it. Why would I put Coke in my ear? I don't know, why are you picking your coke in your ear? Anyway. I don't know, fuck it. Why would I put coke in my ear? I don't know, why are you picking your ear why are you picking your ear with a pen? Why would I put coke in my ear? You put it everywhere else. Only dogs put coke in their ears.

If you wanna get your animal high, that's what the fuck you do. How was your weekend? You got promoted, you did three spots on Thursday. Yeah, it was great. Comedy's been going great. I was at St. Mark's Comedy Club too. It was a great weekend. Look at it was great. Comedy's been going great. I was at St. Mark's Comedy Club, too It was a great weekend. Look at you and shit. I

Walked up the stairs for one of the last times I told you I told you when I met you that You were looking for the first woman. It was not the first. I oh my god You are I knew when you got it and then now you dropped it on me Third weeks in Harlem, I was excited. I was excited. I'm up the corner from a Chinese restaurant I'm down the block from this and all sudden under his breath. He hit me with like, you know It's also four floors. What? What'd you say? No elevator four-floor. I go Lee get the money back. You know you can't get the money back You're not gonna fucking go up. No for five stairs. I know you for years. I'm gonna go up. I'm gonna go up I have to over the next couple months because it has a seat. She doesn't have a seat. I have good AC

That's the way she's like minimal. I'll get rid of her The entire go New York City if you got a She has it, but it's like New York. Yeah, it's like that. Have you ever had the buildings where it's like either hot or air? Yeah, fuck you. No, you gotta get one of them. Oh, I have central air in Harlem.

Tell her you're Jewish and you need one in the window. Oh, I need, dude, I need AC everywhere. You're a chubby Jewish dude. You got no time for central air. Oh my God, let's open the window, the breeze. Listen, fuck you and your fucking breeze. That shit don't work for Uncle Joey. No.

People in California pull that. They do! They're just cheap. But we live in the beach. We open up the window. Listen, listen, listen, stop. You're just a cheapskate. You're just a fucking cheap fuck.

Put the fucking air on. When I'm gone, you can do whatever the fuck Windows like candles rub each other's feet when Papa's here put the fucking air conditioning now They shut those fucking windows. I don't want to hear your neighbors Fucking doing yama stay noises next door one of my favorite stories with you in air conditioning is I think you were in Nashville or somewhere And you turn the AC on so cold that it was too cold to get out of the bed to go pee. He just peed from the bed. Fuck yeah, it was too cold. Sometimes that air conditioning backfires, Jack,

and you gotta do what you gotta do. But these people with, oh, we have fans. Listen, a fan ain't gonna work. They got fans in Cuba. Ask them how it's working out for them, you know what I'm saying? They got fans in Puerto Rico too in August. Ask them how it's working out for them. And they always put the string on it so you can see where the air is. Yeah, I don't wanna see where it's working out for them, you know what I'm saying? They got fans in Puerto Rico too in August. Ask them how it's working out for them.

And they always put the string on it so you can see where the air is. Yeah, I don't want to see where it's going. I just want cold. Listen, when I moved to North Bergen when I was 10, my mother made the mistake to put an air conditioner in my window. Oh, yeah. Now, guys, 73, TJ, how much colder was it in 73 than what the bullshit is we got now? We had no fucking buildings, this whole river line,

they had no buildings. So that air that comes down from Canada from fucking, once it would pop up and then it would catch in the bottom of those North Bergen hills. Your ears were like potato chips. They would just break. They would just break. That's why a bunch of people in North Bergen don't have ears. They got fucked up here

Chickarelli all those motherfuckers they broke Do you know I used to put my air conditioner on December One the time I got it even work by the time I got up in the morning. It was frozen There was two inches of snow on I'd have to leave a bucket under the bed and push the bed, my mom would go, why do you put the air conditioner on? It's fucking December. I'm one of those type of guys. Oh yeah, I love opening the window in the winter.

Fucking December, December. Colorado, and you too, where TJ lives, New Mexico. September comes along, you open the window at night, ooh, you gotta get up at four in the morning and shut that motherfucker down It's cold in there drops like ten and shit. Yeah Yeah Fuck

Yeah, you're up in the fucking mountains, Colorado in July leave that little window open. I don't care what it was the day time I don't care if the streets were melting leave that window by 530. You'll be waking up going what the fuck That is something that like I'm not I'm Loving New York, but this this is gonna be my like first full summer Oh, yeah and dude I was here last summer looking for these apartments and Like I would walk out of the house and be like I'd have to change three times a day Oh, yeah, and I'm not you who takes three showers a day normally

But fucking I would be four flights of stairs No danger taking that one shower. Oh, I know dude I'm so happy to be getting out of that fucking place, but who knows who knows what I don't know You give me give me 200 milligrams of fucking coconut gummy. It's already fucking kicking in here. We go. We're in training What do you mean? What do you mean? Here we go Yeah, we're in training bitches were back Oh my god, dude, I'm not even gonna remember Austin I already know people gonna ask me how was awesome like I have no you ever see any movies remember in Austin nobody wants

They want to go down there eat barbecue shit, get chlamydia and come right back. That's the University of Texas. A lot of dirty pussy down there. Really? A lot of dirty fucking white women, puke on the streets. Is that good? That's tremendous. Why do you wanna get chlamydia?

You come home with a crab and a little scratching and a little juice coming out of your dick, that always makes mama happy. How can you die without getting chlamydia one time i'm okay with that stupid chick in la who got the fake tits and got married three months later what did you get the fake tits for nobody came on them she spent three grand on fake tits nobody came on them she didn't fuck anybody she met one guy and got married that's it take them back what do you need them for take them back take them back three thousand dollars down the drain that's it. Take them back. What do you need them for take them back back three thousand dollars down the drain?

That's it have kids you gotta take them out the breast feed. What would you do that for I spent three thousand dollars on titties I'm rocking Jack. I'm at Rudy's Smacking people with tits. I'm having a good old time. I'm earning you can make a little good living With a big pair of tits in the bar. Yeah, but then you're gonna have to spend all that money on therapy After 20 years using your tits in a bar. Yeah, but then you're gonna have to spend all that money on therapy. After 20 years using your tits in a bar? Well, nobody wants to see your tits in 20 years. Well, yeah, but after 20 years of being used up. You're still gonna have great tits, but a stomach like mine.

Nobody wants to see you clapping when your whole body fucking shakes, okay? You got a short longevity. Right. Nice fake tits are like a running back. Oh, really? It's three years. And then what happens, you gotta retire them? And then one gets bigger than the other one,

the one nipple falls out of line. You gotta work those motherfuckers, you gotta take them out. Have you, I've never, I've never like, maybe a stripper, but I don't think I've ever seen like in person fake tits. Like no one ever ever fucked has had fake tits, I don't think.

You've never been with a woman with fake tits? I don't think so Really? Oh you give them a stab and you lift up the tip you rub the scar A little bit. Do you punch this car? You rub? They love it. You press your finger in there you dirty fucking flat chested cock fuckers Who you think you're lying to You press that finger in there, they love it. Pain and pleasure at the same time. Jesus, I don't like, I did hook up with a girl

once who had the reduction, I was really pissed off when she told me. I bet you were. I was like, why would you get it reduced? Why'd you get it reduced? I don't know. Oh, that'd be a fucking bummer. They always tell you that, because my back was hurting.

Let it hurt, bitch. Exactly, lay down. Oh my God. The ancestors, they're all bent over. Who gives a fuck your back hurts? I went to school with a girl that had gigantic tits in grammar school. I mean, they were gigantic.

I mean, gigantic. She was cute, but her back started hurting too. What are you gonna do? They had to bury their tits, now she's got like sea cups. All right, what are you gonna do? They had a bury their tits now. She's got like sea cups. All right. I'm gonna do they still work Would you ever do anything like did you ever like think about like any sort of plastic surgery all the time? Going in next week. I'm gonna do my nut sack my foot. I'm gonna do my face. I'm gonna look like fucking

Mel Gibson, I don't know. Are you fucking with do they do a lot of you like they can make your dick bigger Yeah, but who needs that? I don't know. Are you fucking with do they do a lot of you like they can make your dick bigger Yeah, but who needs that? I don't know who needs that Why don't you go and get your dick bigger like that cuz I can't show up now in the bigger dick 21 inch dick a juke that'd be nice do a review and fucking a review of my dick. Oh call it What's the guy's name Ron Jeremy? No Ron Jeremy? What's the guy that runs Israel's name? Oh Fucking not Yahoo's favorite missile. That's what'll be just didn't you just do a mail review you bring ironberg with you another Jew I don't think he wants to see my dick. No, listen when it's two feet. Everybody wants to see your dick

That's true. You have a two-foot dick. Everybody wants to take a peek It's like that girl at three in the morning, I don't want to have sex. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to see your dick. Yeah, they do want to see your dick because you got a 21 inch dick. 26 inch. Let's do 2.2 feet of dick. 1.8 when it's cold.

Everybody wants to see your dick. You can open up an open mic, charge five bucks, people come in and if it's 10 bucks they can touch it. they could rub it That's where the market picks up. What was that Mark Wahlberg movie? You sell t-shirts afterwards. I touched a big dick This is a big business. I went to New York and all I got was Business I got business for you. What was that Mark Wahlberg movie where he had the huge dick boogie nights boogie nights And he would just let guys like look at it in the back, right? Or what would it be? It was crazy.

Does it fucking matter? Does it matter? Of course. You're the one talking about a two foot dick. Oh my God. If I had a two foot dick, I wouldn't wear underwear. Why? I'd just take the ticket.

Why? Because why? It's not a ticket, it's jail. What do you mean? You're going to walk around? Take the ticket. What's the story? You got your pants off. Look at the size of this fucking

Horn between my legs you want to fuck with me cocksucker. It's 10 degrees on them. I got 1.8 over here You want to give me a ticket? You know my grandfather is the size of his fucking dick Fuckingly we're back motherfuckers in a big way and we'll be back with our guests It's Tuesday the 15th the halfway mark. So get your shit together The Church New Testament is here cocksuckers. We'll be right back. What's happening beautiful people uncle Joe here for blue chew Listen if a soft sausage is holding you back from meeting the love of your life, Bluechew has what you need. They send chewable tablets right to your fucking front door

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Visit BlueChu.com for more details and important safety information. And I wanna thank BlueChu for sponsoring the show. We're back, bitches, with author extraordinaire and dear, dear friend, Mr. TJ Motherfuckin' English in the house. Hey Joey, how you doing? Pull that mic up TJ English.

How you doing Joey? I'm doing well my brother, how about you? Always a pleasure to see you. Yeah, I don't see you often enough. What's happening? I know, I know, I know, I live right fucking here. I know, I know, I know. I wish I would do more stuff for you,

maybe go to the Blue Note or something. Anytime. I know you're a Blue Note type of guy. I tried to get some shows there, but they were already booked for the year, just like maybe something at eight o'clock or something. He's anytime. I know you're a Blue Note type of guy. I tried to get some shows there, but they were already booked for the year, just like maybe something at eight o'clock or something. Yeah, you gotta get tickets early there. You've been to the Blue Note?

It's one of my favorite places in the city. He runs it. He's the fucking king in there. He does what he wants. And Mr. Blue. So cool. He puts the blue in blue. Have you been to the other ones?

I've been to all the jazz clubs. Hawaii, where else? They have one in Hawaii? Yeah. Oh no, I haven't been to those. They have I've been to all the jazz clubs. Hawaii? Where else? They have one in Hawaii? Yeah. Oh no, I haven't been to those. They have them all over now though, I noticed. Seattle or San Francisco. A lot of places. Something like that.

I always see an advertisement for something like Houston. I mean, I didn't know they had a Blue Note in Houston. Wow, that's a good place. So they franchised. What? Yeah. How long have you been into jazz? I think it's funny because there was no jazz around at all when I was a little kid growing

up. So I probably never, well, no, I take that back. My parents had a couple albums. They had Louis Armstrong and they had Bing Crosby and they might have had some Sinatra stuff. So I got a little flavor of it but it wasn't until I got to college Southern California in the late 70s and I would just go to these great old used record stores near the beach in

Santa Monica and I started buying jazz records and and I just winging it, you know, this looks interesting. I mean, I kind of knew, okay, I've heard Duke Ellington, let me listen to that. And I just started to explore it and then just got into it, man. Just got into it. There's no other music like jazz to me. It's got soul and you feel it, but it's also kind of intellectual. There's like a thought process involved in it. And I don't know anything about music,

but seeing it live, which is new for me, like I saw it at the Blue Note and then I went to Nashville and saw it at a jazz place. It was great, like live in a small place is cool as shit. Yeah. Cause it's like, you know, it's just like you can really get into it. And I know you're not here to talk about jazz,

but I love the Blue Note. I love it. You can talk about anything. Hey, the last book I wrote was about jazz. Yeah, about jazz. Oh yeah? Yeah. Yeah, Saw Jazz and its historical connections

to organized crime. Oh shit. Yeah, there's more to that story than you would think. I mean, jazz and the mob and the mafia in the United States kind of all started at the same time in different cities like New Orleans and Chicago and New York. And were they owned clubs?

They owned clubs. They owned the very first jazz clubs. So they were in on the ground floor as the presenters of the music. All the clubs are, most of the clubs are in every city, large cities and even medium sized cities were run by the local mob element. That's who ran the jazz clubs. And just because it was a cash business, like why would they pick jazz?

Jazz was, you know how big hip hop was when hip hop just first started to really hit in the 80s and captured everybody's imagination? Jazz was that times ten. Jazz was like a cultural phenomenon. There'd never been any music like that. All there'd been in America up to that point was, you know, bluegrass and folk music and then classical music from Europe, European music basically. Jazz was like American it was the blues had the blues in the roots of it and it all started in in New Orleans So it was a phenomenon man. It was really popular

Everybody went to jazz clubs. That's whenever I watch a movie From like that time and like people are out at like a seeing seeing music and doing stuff every night. That doesn't happen anymore. People were out seeing something every night because there wasn't TV or... It was crazy. I can't imagine how big that was. Was it a huge part of the mob's business? It wasn't a huge part of their business. It wasn't so much economic as it was prestige. It was like the hottest thing.

Everyone's coming to your club and everyone wants to be seen in your club and everyone wants to be at your club. It was great advertising for a mobster. Oh shit. Yeah. It gave them stature and they became friendly with some of the musicians and hung out with them and stuff. So there's a lot of cross-pollination. That's awesome. It's really weird when you... I used to go to a... when I first started a company in 93, 94, around there, my tribal had a run in Colorado. And this was one of those rooms that... Colorado and this was one of those rooms that

It was in Gunnison or one of those off the not Denver or Boulder. Yeah, you know and I remember going in there one night doing the show and like another 75 bucks People didn't like me and on the way out I started talking to the owner He took me in the back and he was like no We started just doing comedy in whatever it was, 89 when the comedy boom. Before that we did everything. He took me in the back.

This was a little fucking club in Gunnison, Colorado. Everybody was there. Everybody. He even told me that the only comedian he did start bringing was Roseanne. And that one time she showed up with Tom Arnold. And that he got so coked up in blood that when he pulled the fucking mattress out, it was just blood all over the mattress from his nose and shit. But it's really weird. It had gone back to like the 50s.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had a bunch of people in there. I can't remember off the top. I don't know. I do remember the Roseanne story, but just, you know, it's, it's. That's a throwback to like the days of burlesque entertainment. Yep. Where you had a venue and you had all these variety of acts, you know? You had musicians, you had fucking jugglers, you had all kinds of shit. Dancing. What ville?

Vaudeville. Right, something like that. Vaudeville. And it would travel around the country and it was huge. You'd go to all these different cities, big cities, little sized cities. And yeah, jazz was a part of that a little bit when it first started. That was put in the mix, those vaudeville shows. But guys like Sammy Davis Jr. came out of that.

Yeah, I miss that kind of nightlife. I don't know why I was thinking about this a few days ago. The Comedy Store, Searow's, store zeros was it was zeros before that. Yeah, I don't remember guys. That was a full service club sex Booze and if your chick got pregnant the belly room is where they did the abortion You walk through the comedy store, you will find hidden passages. You will find where Bugsy Siegel,

because that was his club. Yeah, that's all back from Prohibition. So you could see where he would watch the shows in the main room from standing up there. Nobody could see him. There's two-way mirrors all over that fucking place. I was remembering this, that Mitzi's office was a safe. You know those safes that you open up and go into the wall like a bank?

Damn, they had that much cash coming in? You had open that's, no, it was an old fucking safe. I know, but I'm saying they had that much cash coming in with the Seiros? No, he just turned it into an office. Oh, okay. That's all from... No, but he's saying when it was Seiros, it was a safe. That's all from prohibition days.

That's all prohibition. When there was illegal activities like booze and gambling going on in those establishments. Yeah, fuck. I fantasize about that era. Me too. a lot. Me too. And you could go downstairs to the basement and there's a secret path and if you find it, if they got raided, there was a way for them to get out and come out on

the hill. On the alley or something. On the valley, up by the fucking hill. I mean, dog, it is very interesting. Yes. Like it's very interesting what they did. And it's funny, because when I read your book about the jazz, that's what I was feeling in those clubs. You know, nevermind money laundering,

making money off the fucking probation. I mean, you know, mobs is just, it was just a way to cleanse money and it was a sign of stature. So it made fucking sense. And they all wore beautiful suits. All the gangsters dressed fine, man. Everything about them from head to toe was this finery, the best suits, the best tailoring.

So when they were in a club, there was this guy, Oni Madden, who ran the Cotton Club when it was in its heyday. And he was a fucking Irish punk from Hell's Kitchen and had been the leader of a gang called the Gophers. And he did some serious shit. He even went away and did time for murder. And he came back and it was the middle of Prohibition and he was like, oh shit, none of this existed when I went away to prison. And now he's come back. He's like, I'm going to make the most of this. So he started making connections with politicians and the police.

He started using corruption to create a system. To make a long story short, within a year, he was the biggest bootlegger in all of New York City, and he wouldn't step outside. So they called him. What was his nickname? It'll come to me. He had a catchy nickname, something to do with Broadway, because he'd hang out on Broadway and he was a boy, he had an affair with Mae

West, he had a fling with Mae West. This guy was the cock of the walk as they used to say. But he never went anywhere unless he was dressed to the nines man He didn't show himself in public and the gangsters were like that. It was kind of a very elegant presentation You could see why people were attracted the allure of the gangster, you know, they had that sex appeal They really had it even when you watch the raging bull when they go to that Fair in the beginning where the first fight is Everybody's dressed to the fucking oh, yeah, and those suits are gorgeous when they go to that fair in the beginning where the first fight is, everybody's dressed to the fucking dance.

Oh yeah. And those suits are gorgeous. Yeah, the women too though, they dress up in the finery and in the dresses. Yeah, that got lost along the way, man. I guess it was the 60s really that, you know. I just remember dressing up to fly. Like my mother would make me put a fucking suit on

to fly anywhere, like anywhere. To fly. And then as I got older, I'm like, what am I gonna wear a suit for? Now people are wearing flip flops and pajamas and dirty hair. How do you do, if you're like, you know, doing research on something like this,

you can't Google like the mobsters, like do you interview people? Like how do you research people? How do you research this? That was a tough one. That's a good question because the different books I've done have different research requirements. And this one was tough because it was ancient history and there was no one left, no sources, nobody to talk to. A lot of my books, like this recent one, it's all interviews, firsthand accounts, but this was like everyone's dead and gone.

So how do you recreate that? The first thing I had to go, I had to read the memoirs and biographies of all those musicians and I had to find little references in those biographies to the gangster element and stuff. It was there. Usually it was like a chapter maybe in someone's thing. And so I had to coalesce all that knowledge about that. And then I had to find a story to tell. And I found the story to tell by focusing on two main guys.

The first half of the book is Louis Armstrong and the gangsters, and the second half of the book is Sinatra and the gangsters. And so telling those two stories, you get like the whole history of that relationship. And how do you, if you're doing research like that, how do you know what to trust based off of like what you find?

Like just one memoir, like do you have to see it mentioned in a couple different books? Yeah, you gotta cross-check it. You gotta verify it, usually. But then there's a thing called folk history, where you make it clear that, all right, this hasn't been vetted, but this is what the story was. And after a while, the story was. Right. You know? And after a while, the story becomes real history. You know?

It's what has longevity. Like, a good story lasts forever. You know what I mean? You can tell stories about Sinatra. Nobody cares if they're true or not. They're good fucking stories. You know? He always had good fucking stories.

Just that it was... And when I was doing the Westies, I remember I would hear the most outlandish stories about the Westies But I knew the stuff that they had done was that was verified that you could prove there was proof Witnesses that kind of thing and that shit was outrageous So anything I heard that someone would say that they did I'd have to think well it could be true like I heard some wild shit about them with a head rolling it down the Counter in a bar some guys had they'd cut off I couldn't I couldn't verify that to be true But they did other shit that was equally as wild bad

They did cut off hands and put them in the freezer with the idea that they were gonna Save the fingerprints to plant on murder weapons. Oh my God. Yes. When Joey told me that you were coming on, the thing that I was thinking about is like, you have like one of the few professions, and I'm sure it's changed, but like you're writing books the same way like a lot of like a hundred years ago people were writing books. Like it's kind of, there's not many things left like writing a book. Yeah, you know, it's, it's an ancient art.

It freaks me out sometimes when I think about it, when I'm writing a book and I'm lost in the middle of it and you know, I got a stack of pages, but still I got another stack to get to the end of it. And it's fucking it's Intimidating and I'm always thinking Nobody's gonna want to read this fucking book Nobody reads books anymore. They said this is like prehistoric. This is so ancient. This is the voice I'm hearing in my head, right you stupid motherfucking. This is the 21st century. Just what you were saying You stupid motherfuck, this is the 21st century. Just what you were saying.

This is like primitive. People open a book of written pages on a piece of paper and that can hold their attention for sometimes hours at a time. That's like real primitive storytelling if you can pull that off. But now we're in an era where that's a dying, I think that's a dying art, people being able to do that. Nobody has the attention spans anymore. So write it or to tell it or both. Or to read it. There's still people, all legit, you know, that they don't mind. Listen, the thing I

miss about the most is not flying as much because that was the only place I could read on a plane. Yeah. With peace. It's the best. It's four hours, two hours, it was my peace. Ever since I stopped traveling, I read books when I was in the hospital. As a matter of fact, I read The Corporation again when I was in the hospital last time and I got a question for you because I laughed for two hours. And you said that, because every time you read a book, people always go, why would I read that book? I read it already. You stupid motherfucker. You're going to catch it you didn't read before. That's true.

Like I'll read a book once a year. If I really like a book, I'll read it once a year. Kujo, Corporation, fucking Havana Nocturne, There's another one. I read every fucking year The one about you know The art of war the war of art the Frank Pressfield whatever. Yeah, I read that every January just to keep my mind fresh But you fucking drop the line in there and I fucking died. No, you said something about That they call people from oriente the Palestinians. Oh, Palestinians.

Oh my God. They still do that. Because they're men without land. Yeah. Oh my God, and only, that's a Cuban sense of humor. That's a very Cuban sense of humor. He called me up when he read it. Dying, dying, dying.

Lo paletiano. Yeah, you have no land here Yeah That's and how do you because like what I was trying to relate it to was I'm at the very beginning of stand-up and I have to not only write jokes, but weave them together and like putting it here versus here matters.

Like with a story like yours isn't even a novel. It's like actual things that happened weaving that together into a story must be completely different and like it's just like, oh, it's a big task. But that's the creative part. That's where the art artistry comes in, you know, where you take all that. A lot of people can gather the material, but not everybody can tell that story in a way that really grabs a reader or a viewer or whatever. I think about what you guys do as writers a lot, because you're right, it's a much different form,

but you're kind of doing the same thing. You're structuring a set, right? Where you're wanting to tell a story, right? To flow. You want to get callbacks, you want to have pauses, and it takes time because you have to do it on the drawing board and also on stage. Yeah.

See, that's the difference. Like I would love to write a book where you could, what do you call that shit? Talk it to people. Yeah. What's that called? Workshop it or? Workshop it.

Yeah. You know, a chapter every week for people. You get like six chapters ahead of you and then you just do it once a week. That would help me a lot if I did that, you know, because I know how to test it on the fucking battlefield. Yeah, but also, you clearly, here's another thing. You clearly have the storytelling skills.

Right. It's the storytelling skills. Yeah, you learn that. That's the, you might have to be born with that to an extent, right? The storytelling skills. I don't know. I think of it as coming from the ancestors, you know? to an extent, right? The storytelling skills. I don't know. I think of it as coming from the ancestors, you know?

Like it comes from somewhere, you inherited that. Really? Yeah, George Carlin used to say, you don't lick it off a rock. You got it from somewhere, you know? You got it from your ancestors. That's crazy. So the storytelling, yeah.

And then you fine-tuned it with the life that you lived. Right, you fine-tuned it. It's very... I have a storytelling show on Sunday, and I was banging my head on the story, what am I going to do, what am I going to do, and all of a sudden this morning I'm eating fucking breakfast and a complete different story came in that's gonna weave and it's perfect Now I could tell the story about the wing getting caught in a pussy and all that shit cuz now it's gonna work Now it's gonna work. Yeah click everything fit

It took fucking three months of thinking and I was going somewhere else the whole time And then this morning it hit me from a different perspective and I was just talking to the girl I wrote the book with and she was telling me that she'd been going to her father's house to write because she has author's block at her house. And I was like, I've been going through the same fucking thing and when I go to Starbucks

I can't write shit either. That's fucking terrible energy in Starbucks. Nobody can write in there. What are you gonna write in there, about lattes and shit? And so I started writing in the garage. Oh shit. Yeah, last night I just went in the garage

because I got a little freezer in there. I put my pad on there and the computer and I was, and this fucking morning, I think in your sleep. You're gonna have to set up a little table out there, a little desk, you know? Yeah. But even I was just thinking,

like you might like that there's no desk. Like are you walking around and like doing stuff as you're writing? No, no, I just sat in the garage, I put the Bluetooth on. Okay. And I fucking sat there for 30 minutes, I made great notes, and I wasn't even going there. Like I said to you, I wasn fucking sat there for 30 minutes. I made great notes

And I wasn't even going there like I said to you. I wasn't going there This morning something came in and I go if I add it to that it'll be the fucking perfect fucking story. So You know, I often have to remind myself so Uh, you know when you have a writing task You do anything to avoid it, you know? You do all kinds of shit to avoid it. And so I'll go for long walks along the river and I'll be hard on myself because you should be writing right now. But no, those walks along the river are really valuable.

Very valuable. In terms of thinking time, you know? That's part of the process. So you have to do that periodically. My whole thing is I like the warmer weather because I could write and then take a note and then smoke a joint and then put earphones on and go for a walk. You leave that alone. You just go for a walk on that. And sometimes when you

come back you might have the answer or you might not. Or you might get the answer to something else. Okay? And that's always been a fucking thing I love also. So yeah, writing is, I wish I would have gone to college for it. I wish I would have put more effort into it and my stand-up career early on because I just would have built better habits. You know, when you do stand-up, it's like writing. Yeah, you just put out a book, but you're writing, motherfucker. That book just came out, but you've been writing lately

because you know you can't just shut it down for a year and wait and fan your pussy in and it'll come to me. You got to keep writing that muscle Even if it's just what your day is gonna be about or is that true day one? Yeah, it's a muscle that makes sense What if you want to what if you want to fan your pussy though? Well, if you want to turn your pussy, then you find your pussy. It's your pussy It's like Joe because you

Yeah, like that was you said something before the podcast like little commitments become big commitments. You said that the entire time I've known you but like you've been writing you wrote it you were writing that book when I first met you you were writing it and it like How many times did it change it changed? Yeah, like I wouldn't even let what TJ happens to him where he writes How many times did it change? Did it change 20 times? Every other day. Yeah. I was like, I wouldn't even let what TJ happens to him where he writes it all and then he beats himself up. I would beat myself up from the beginning.

Nobody wants to read that I found my mother on the floor. Nobody wants to read that I robbed a jewelry store. Nobody wants to hear about you raising your fucking stupid kid. Nobody wants to hear anything. That's what I was going through in my mind. Talk yourself out of it. But it's really weird. You write 10 stories, and what you're looking for

is a connective. You need that to touch throughout. And that's, I can tell you stories for hours. Connecting them, that takes time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we call that the narrative. That takes time. The narrative, you know, that holds it all together. That takes time. Yeah yeah yeah we call that the narrative. That takes time. The narrative you know that holds it all together. That takes time. And that's when it sings baby. That's when you know you have something that's that's real you know that that reaches that does still reach people even though

books maybe are not popular in that way anymore, but to people who read books, it can have a real impact. How do you think? I like to read, like I'm a nerd. I like to, I have lack of, I have not great comprehension. So when I read a book, it took me 20 years to figure this out. I have to read a book with a marker. I have to learn how to read.

I can't go three chapters because I'm going to have to wake up in the morning and read those three chapters again. So I go to and I pace myself. Then I'll read parts of it again and then I'll start on the next chapter. But it took me 20 years to learn. So what's the marker for? To retain the good stuff from the book. Oh, you underline things.

Yeah. Yeah, I do that too. Why not? Why fucking? I write in the margins, I do that. I get into it. Everybody says, I like to smoke pot and go for a midnight walk.

Go fuck yourself. I like smoking pot, getting a light, and maybe a pot of coffee. And just sitting there and roll another joint so you can smoke it with the coffee as you read your book. Oh, you get high and read, huh? Yeah, I can't really do that.

I don't retain it if I do that. That might be the retention problem. Well, if you get too high, you start reading and then stories from your life come in. Start going into your head. This reminds me of the time I was in Philadelphia. Because your imagination is inflamed while you're reading it. It's extra sensory and you're picking up a lot of other shit. At the same time, I want to feel the book.

I want to cry. I want to feel hurt when the writer gets hurt. I want to feel like I like reading and crying. Let me give you an example. The other night I was switching through the fucking channels and the last 30 minutes of Carrie was on. One of the greatest 30 minutes of television and movie history. In fact, Travolta, that's how they got you

to go see that movie, was Travolta was in the movie but he don't come out to the end when he gets killed. He was kind of a nobody at that point. At that point, no, no, he was, it had been like maybe six episodes of walking back. Yeah, and the girls liked him So that's why you went to see that movie. They must have been disappointed because he's hardly in it. Yeah, he's what he's hardly in Yeah, he gets killed at the end. Yeah, but it's so weird I was watching the last half hour when that movie and I remember reading that book and not even Knowing who the author was not even given a fuck who the author was and then years later

I got on writing and he tells the story of how his wife threw that away About uh, what was he thinking about people move things with their mind? Yeah Yeah, yeah, and his wife threw it away and when he got home she gave it back to him and said finish this and that became fucking Carrie. And I'm thinking about how the fuck he wrote that. Even with you, with the corporation, Havana Nocturne, the Westies, I like reading a book and then for like a day or two going, how the fuck this motherfucker write that?

That's how much stock I take in a book. For a writer, that's a great compliment. Yeah, because- You want to think, in your act, what you do, you want to think, I just want to dazzle these motherfuckers. I want to make them have to go, fuck, how did he do that? And I know you must get that feeling in your standup, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you do that? And I know you must get that feeling in your stand-up,

right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do like some kind of when you're flowing. Yeah, you're flowing and you're seeing them and then you start laughing. That's the money. That's the money that nobody could pay you enough for when you start laughing. That's why I was having a hard time writing jokes and not smoking pot, because I like to get blissed when I should write. So if I'm giggling, motherfucker, that joke's getting written down. As dirty or as nasty as it could be, I'm writing that bitch down.

So as you're writing shit down and you start to call your way through it, how much of it do you keep? How much of it is good and how much of it is just? Let's go 50%. Oh, that's good. Damn. 50% is good, the other 50 is god-awful.

You know? That's the danger about writing comedy when you get high, that you might wake up in the morning and find some shit that you're gonna go, dog, I gotta see a priest. This is not good. You know? It's like I gotta burn that.

No, I'm lying to you. Now that we break it down, I retain 20%. I was gonna say 50 pounds high. Yeah, I retain 20%, especially if I'm getting high and I write a page. First off, the first hour, I gotta figure out what I wrote. It's hieroglyphics, I'm getting high and I write a page first off the first hour. I got to figure out what I wrote It's an hieroglyphics. I'm so high and I start writing Louie. Joey shorthand Like I start writing my own short hand

The next day, you know, there's a ton of problems. Yeah. Yeah tons of fucking you know What Carlin said about how he did it was he would write his stuff, not high at all, he would complete what he thought was an act and then he would get high and punch it up. Punch it up, yeah. And that was the point where he would get high and he said that was always really good value stuff that you were bringing in, you know. It's funny because I do that with acting auditions.

If you send me an acting audition, I read it, I read it, I read it, I read it, I read it. Then I get hot. Then I read it, I read it, I read it, and then I start making notes. What goes here, where I'm taking a pause, where I'm gonna take a drink of water, where I'm gonna scratch my ass, everything. If I'm gonna improvise, I'll put something there.

That's when that works. Weed is very valuable for your creative process, everything. If I'm gonna improvise, I'll put something there. That's when that works. Weed is very valuable for your creative process then, right? It's gotta be great weed. Like I wanna drool. I wanna fucking drool like a monkey. I wanna drool, be left the fuck alone, a little bit of music, not too loud. Snapple iced tea, lemon, no sweetener in it, that shit. I could go for hours, two hours writing and no computers.

I use computers for research. Everything is written by my hand. Well, you're describing the process of being a writer and how isolated and alone that is. I'm an only child. And you tune the whole world out and you create your own little world that you're working on in your writing.

Absolutely. I don't even like when my kids are writing little world that you're working on in your writing. Absolutely. I don't even like when my fucking wife comes down. Because you're writing something good and all of a sudden she'll come down. Are you hungry yet? Listen, I look fucking hungry to you, but I don't want to shut the door because that's an insult. So I can't. So I gotta wait till they leave for me to do anything. You're maintaining your sanity down there. Yeah. that's what you're doing. You know, I'm an only child

I'm ready. I've always been Eddie. I love smoking dope and just disappear right listen when I was 18 Everybody was going here to Hawaii and this my goal was to get a million dollars and move to an island by myself And smoke dope and eat chicken cutlets and drink cranberry juice. That's happiness for me. Nobody bothering me, nobody talking to me. That's not bad. How old were you when you came up with that?

18, 19. I'm like, if it was up to me, at that age I wanted to move to Cartagena and buy a big rock and a coke. That's so very clear headed for a 19 year old. I knew. Right, don't you think? I knew all those things.

I also knew at 14 that I was not gonna work days. I loved people who had days off. They had more freedom in their lives. Yeah. They were out on the corner when it was hot, getting a hot dog and then they weren't to work at night when it didn't really fucking matter. That's a complete different discipline

because I didn't like going out either. I could care less about going to a club or being a VIP. So if you could pay me at night and I could have my days to myself, no drama, because when you're walking in the house, everybody's leaving for work. You can go in there and make a cheese omelet, put on fucking Popeye and sit there

and nobody's gonna come in and break your fucking balls. Everybody's at work. You're living the dream, baby. No, but I've always loved that. That's what I mean. You had that dream and now you're living that dream. Oh, having a day job for me was always fucking brutal. And I would do it and then I'd go,

what the fuck, I could steal something. I could sell an 8-ball and make 75 bucks. You know, it's it's a grind I could see I know guys like you a lot of guys like you wind up in the criminal life Yeah, because you can't take the grind of having to do a nine to five. I gotta work 1250 And I'm working 12 fucking 10 hours a day. I'm gonna make a buck 25 a day I can make that fucking breaking into a room. I know a guy that's got that on it in his pocket right fucking now.

And that's what would happen, I go, you know what, it's time to become a human being, and I take these jobs in Colorado, and I'd be drilling fucking beams, getting bit by mosquito bites. And after like once the check came, and I'm like I got bit. I had a fucking either

Salami sandwich would you see all the deductions from the check? I'm like, I'm not doing this. I'm not doing it It's not worth it to me no more. It's not worth it to me So I went without for years just to prove my point. I'm not working days I would work days enough to get money, and then I quit. And then I'd talk and figure out. There was, when I lived in Boulder, my rent was due, and every day before my rent was due, I did not know how I was gonna get that $400. And I didn't care.

And I'll tell you all the times I got that $400, and you would die. Like I remember it. I would just go to Kmart and wait for people to drop receipts. And I would pick them up in the wind and the deep late spend 300 hours. I'd just go in there and took everything they take

and return it without even walking out the store. Wouldn't even walk out the fucking store. I remember one time I needed to rent, the guy dropped a receipt with 500 bucks for a loan mower And I went in to go to steal it and they didn't have it in Boulder So I got in the car and I went to Kmart long line. They had one left I actually walked in there put the receipt on it walked up to the guy. He's like what's going on I go I just got this I don't want I didn't even buy it at that store

He took the receipt. He didn't buy it at any store. So how old were you at the time you were doing this? 20. This is out of prison. Out of prison? Knowing that I could go back to jail at any time. And then I did get caught one day and I gave him a fake name. And they take me to Boulder and I'll never forget I walk in Boulder and all the cops know me. Joey, what's going on? Joey, how you doing? You're back. We told you be back. Yeah, but I used a different name

When they arrested me they got the card out their fingerprint me. I still remember that cops name. You have fake ID No, he's calling me Joey and the card says James Something else and he's pressing mine. I'm like like I hope he doesn't look at that fucking card. I was in there 36 days already, 30 days over the holidays. They knew who I was. They're fingerprinting me going, Joey, how you doing? I'm like, oh, if this motherfucker looks at this fingerprint card and he sees this name,

he's gonna shit his pants. And I got away with it. And then when I went to court, they pulled me aside, and they go, we know who you are. And I did the, I went back to court under that name. I did the probation under that name, and I had to do community service. And I did it just to fucking.

Nobody ever asked to see an ID? Not one. And at the community service, I became friends with a cop. I picked the HIV building, and I would paint it and take the garbage out of the HIV building. And after the job was over, about a year later, I smacked my ex-wife's boyfriend. The cop that came to arrest me was the cop in the HIV tent. He wouldn't arrest me. He's like, I'll give him a ticket.

And he gave the other guy a ticket for calling me a racial slur. So every story fits, you see what I'm saying, in my life. You got a little angel over your shoulder. Yeah. How fucking crazy was that? You got an angel and you got a devil. Oh, I got a big devil. But my angel's got a big dick.

And he's, My angel's got a big dick and he's Cuban. You know how those Cuban angels are, dog. They ain't fucking around, motherfucker. What's happening, beautiful people? The NBA 82 game grind is over. Now it's time for the real fun. Playoffs, defense, make things even more exciting

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Well, I feel that's kilo There's a little bit of New Jersey in that book, but it's mostly the Miami boys, the Cubans in Miami. What's the guy's name to the two brothers? Willie Falcone, and his brother's name was Gustavo Tavi, but his partner was Sal Magluda. So Willie and Sal, they were kind of legendary figures in Miami, starting in the early 80s, all through the 80s really, till they got busted. And

they created a gang called Los Muchachos. And Los Muchachos were the biggest by far importers and distributors of kilos in the US. So they created a distribution network based in Miami that was shipping it eventually to LA and San Francisco and Chicago and New York, everywhere. And they only dealt at the high level. Like in these different cities, they had maybe like eight customers, but there were eight customers that were buying bulk. And so they were operating at that level. And interestingly enough, there wasn't a lot of violence in this story at that level of the cocaine business. I really learned some shit researching this because, you know, we're all primed to believe that the cocaine universe is just bloodshed from top to bottom

and you know, Uzis and chainsaws like Scarface. So I just assumed that there was going to be nothing but violence in any cocaine story that you tell. But this story, there wasn't a lot of violence the way they were doing it. They were Cuban exiles. They were tight. They were that first generation of exiles whose parents had been humiliated and had to leave. And these kids were like 10 or 11. And they grew up watching their parents suffer in a sense. And they were driven by this desire to make it,

to make it by hooker, by crook. And the cocaine thing just kind of fell in their lap. I go into it in the book. It was actually connected to the anti-Castro movement and the CIA. And they were bringing kilos to United States to sell and use that money to buy arms and explosives for the Contras in Central America. So it was all wrapped up in that political politics of it from the get-go. And so that's how Willie and Sal first got into it.

They'd started doing it to raise money for the anti-Castro movement. And then the anti-Castro movement got busted, led to the Iran-Contra hearings. It was a big political scandal. So that shut down. But by then, Willie and Sal had created a system and they were like, well, let's just keep doing it and keep all the money for us. And that's when they became Los Muchachos. And they just, they created this very complex apparatus of bringing, they'd go right to the source. They'd meet with Escobar. They were dealing with both the Colombians, I mean, sorry, with the people from Medellin and the Cali people. They were double-dipping. Those two cartels didn't know.

William Stow didn't let it be known. If you're following me, Medellin didn't know, William Stout didn't let it be known. If you're following me, like Medellin didn't know they were dealing with Cali, and Cali didn't know they were dealing with Medellin, because neither side probably would have approved of it. But they were doing it. And they did it at a very high level, and they came up with a system to bring the kilos into the US, and they did that in all kinds of ingenious ways.

They had their own pilots and planes, but they also had boats. They wound up being championship power boat racers. They were big power boat racers. Right. Yeah. I mean, they own the power boat racing business. They owned a company that built the engines. It's a great way to launder money, by the way.

The company that built the engines, the company that built the boats, they were designing the boats. They were designing them there. And then they got to race them. And they were going into races, borgatas, all over the world. You know? While they had a warrant on them. Yeah, while they had a warrant on them. A, well, they had a warrant on them eventually.

A warrant on them. Yeah, yeah. I watched this. There was a series on it. Yes, there was, yeah. About a month ago or something, I called you, I go, I'm watching these two fucking... Yeah, that's Willie and Sal. So I was able to do this book because Willie Falcone's family reached out to me.

He did 27, 28 years, something like that. And as he was getting to the end of that bit, his daughter contacted me. It was like, you know, he knows your work. He'd read the Westies, he'd read Havana Nocturne, and Corporation was just coming out at that time. So he got it in his head that I was the guy to do his book. And he had his daughter reach out to me. And I didn't know enough about him to know whether I would wanna do it or not. I think I said no when it first came up.

I said, I can't really answer that because I would have to at least meet, have a chance to talk to him. So I tried to get into prison to see him and prison shut it down, they wouldn't let me in. So I had to wait till he got out, which was a couple of years later. And then when he got out,

they deported him from the United States because he'd never bothered getting US citizenship, he was a Cuban. He came over that time when Cubans were being given a kind of special legal status, you know? So he never even bothered to become a citizen. So they deported his ass. And so now I'm getting to know him a little bit because we're doing Zoom conference calls. So I'm getting a know him a little bit because we're doing Zoom conference calls.

So I'm getting a feel for him. And he gets supported through the DR. And then the DR finds out one of the DR politicians finds out he's there and starts accusing another politician of letting a big narco in the country. So they kick him out of there, out of the DR. He's got to go hat in hand, find another country. I can't tell you the country where he's in, although it'd be, I think, real easy to guess.

So I had to go there to interview him face to face. And it was right in the middle of COVID, and it was a pain in the ass getting a plane. I'll say South America, I'll general, you know, narrow it down. And I kept missing flights because I didn't have the proper test, COVID test before the plane.

It was a nightmare getting there, but I got there and I met this guy. And for like three days, we just did interviews all day long. We'd start pretty early, like 9 a.m. and we'd go to lunch, have some food and then come back and do another three hours or so. And we did that for like three days. Him just telling me his life story. And I had it, man. I can remember coming back thinking, well I've never had this kind of access with a source.

They tell me their whole life story. And Willie Falcone hadn't talked to anybody. So everyone wanted to know his story. He was like a mystery man, very charismatic. And I got that motherfucker's story and was able to tell that story. You know, I know he's a criminal, he's a bad guy, and he certainly paid for it and everything, but it was kind of an honor to tell his story. He was a, he's a guy with a certain code of honor.

He's a criminal, you know, there's certain criminals to me are almost like royalty in a sense, criminal royalty, cause they have that sense of honor about what they do. Especially guys who put crews together, you know, and do robberies. I have a friend who is an incredible source up in Boston, Irish-American gangster named Pat Knee. He was kind of a rival and later a partner of Whitey Bulgers. He started out as a thief, you know, breaking into warehouses and shit. And as he started to advance up from that, he started doing armored car robberies. And I've had late night conversations with him many times over some Irish whiskey or

whatever and he's telling me what he knows about his life as a thief. And he would put together crews. And I had said to him, you know, one of the things about putting together a robbery crew to do something like that to me, I was like, how do you do quality control? How do you know? These got to be people you really trust. Your crew that you're going to do an armored car robbery with, it's got to be people you have total faith in and you totally trust. And so you want to know none of these guys are going to break and snitch. We're in this to the end, you know, and I'd say,

yeah, but how can you guarantee that? And he said, you can't guarantee it, he said, but you always wanted to try to make sure because otherwise you were gonna have to take care of that person. There's a weak link, you were gonna have to address the weak. So that person would wind up getting killed. That person and the crew, that's just the nature of putting together a criminal crew like that. He'd tell me these stories of how they'd do warehouse robberies where they'd

pull up a big truck like two in the morning at a warehouse. This is back like in the 60s, 70s. They'd actually pull the open truck butt up against the wall and then they'd get hammers and shit and just break the fucking wall down. Just take out a big section of the wall. And then they'd go in there like mice and they'd just start looking for what was the valuable shit, you know, the most valuable shit. He said long-term shit is canned goods and stuff. Anyway, they'd go in there, they'd fleece the place, and then he said, you know what their signature was? After they did one of these robberies, and they wanted people to know it was their crew,

they'd find a desk of who they thought was the most important person in there, and they'd open the bottom drawer and they would shit in it and That was supposed to be like that was their show that was that that was their signature that was that fucking car I was worse in that was we were here You know you talk about criminals the American public has been The American public has been, we love criminals. And we love their stories and you know, I mean look at all the criminal movies we have from the 30s, Scarface.

Yeah. All these fucking animals. I still love them. I still love them. I love all of them. Those Jimmy Cagney movies? Fuck it, he's crazy. What are you talking to him for?

Right? You know, all that shit. But you know, it's a market that'll never fucking end. Like, look at this poor De Niro movie, Alto Nights. It died a death of, and I don't think it was a bad movie. Yeah. I don't think it was a bad movie. Did you see it?

No. I don't, I didn't have a chance to. I know. But remember we did it in the Yankton last week. Yeah, no, they killed it before it was even out of the gate. And you know, yeah, people like, well, Trump, listen. We've been, the movie business shot because we've been taken to repetitive.

I went to the movies every Friday, just like you did growing up, TJ. Every Saturday we went to the fucking movies. You either went to What Came Out or Two for $3. Clifton's Good. Drive-ins, remember Drive-ins? Yeah, Drive-ins and Clifton, whatever. We've taken that out.

But at the same time, the mobster shit, Italian-wise, it's done. Now, mob land, the English. Because like I tell you, there's gangsters and there's people who are dangerous, but then there's Helen Mirren. God damn, that bitch is fucking good in everything she does.

Did you see her last night? She had the fucking red, her toenails are painted, her hands. I have this theory, man. Every Latino male I know has a thing for her. Really? I don't think- Latinos have a thing for Helen Mirren. I don't wanna fuck her or nothing like that. Well, you ever see her when she was in her prime? Oh, she was a piece of ass, yeah,

but now she's old and she don't give a fuck. She's still kind of sexy. She's still very sexy. She had boots on last week and a miniskirt and a leopard shirt on. She's fucking 75 years old with a leopard shirt on. Un-fucking-real. But beside that, that's But beside that, we're infatuated with all those stories. If you go on Netflix, how many fucking Escobar movies are there on fucking Netflix? Jesus Christ, Netflix, buy a different fucking- No, it's funny. All of Paradise Remained and they've all got off. There's like seven or eight of them.

And they've all got off of it. Pretty much. The only one that's good is Narcos and that even lost its fucking thing after a while. Every time you go on there, the Narco, now it's Aaron fucking, what? Aaron, the guy who, Aaron Hernandez. How many movies are you gonna give me?

Oh, Hernandez, yeah. He got punched in the head and he fucking shot eight people. What do you want from me? That's what happens, you know? It's like Bryce Mitchell. Did you watch that fight the other day? He got knocked out again. Listen, I always say Christianity and punches to the head

they just don't mix. Jesus got punched in the head and he left three days later. He's like, I don't need this shit. It don't work. But it's funny how, you know, this cocaine thing, like listen, I was very, I love all this shit. I love all these books. You know I love all this stuff.

Because I grew up in it. I saw it. I saw it. I saw point A and I saw point B. I saw everybody spending $2 for a hit of acid and two years later everybody was spending $50 for a half gram of coke That's a big fucking up swing. Yeah

People were spending nickel backs It was five dollars for three joints and a little manila on the envelope all over the city And now the needle just moved to 50 fucking bucks for half a gram You know, I was telling somebody I remember living here Up to 83, and we would go out and buy a half a grand between three of us. When it ended, you went home.

You went home. When I came back 18 months later, people were leaving on Fridays and coming home on Sunday. Or Monday morning. Like it had just blown up. I saw what happened with weed in California, what happened here with coke. Well, you're Cuban, so you were in the main vein

of the Cuban culture, the selling of it, the using of it. You had that Cuban connection that cocaine was like, these guys who I was talking to were were in Los Muchachos and I interviewed a bunch of other ones other than just Willie. They were from that generation, Cuban Exiles Miami and they just hit the cocaine business and they just took over that shit. They turned Little Havana into like where all their safe houses were where you could stash it Nobody was gonna talk about it. You could you could get away with the whole culture became part of

The cocaine business to an extent so you were in the middle of it. So I made Saint I did a bottle on 1969 and there was a gay Santero that used to hang out there. He would always break people's balls. And one night he said something to me, and I said something to him. I said, oh, how I got that boy out? In my house, you can't say oh, how I got.

That means I hope. I said something like, I hope you fucking died, motherfucker. And they came and grabbed me by my head, my mom, and she's like, you can't say that about three weeks later small fuck. I died And the gay Santero died, yeah, he died from something and I'll never forget we got to go up there My godmother my godmother took me up there I'll never forget the story. We're on the streets and when the Santa Ria person dies, they can't bring them home You have to do a thing now while the cops are standing there. You have to do a fucking thing

They cannot be brought to the funeral Paul. You got to take the saint out of that So while they were taking the saint out of that I remember my godmother going This is gonna be tough She was talking to my mother another lady in the car I got another going, this is gonna be tough. She was talking to my mother and another lady in the car. The guy had a kilo under his bed while they were doing the fucking thing. And somebody had to go up there

and sneak out with a kilo from under the bed. I still remember being a kid. See, I told you that's- What the fuck are they talking about? You're dissent. And that was 19, let's say it was 1971. And I still remember being a kid and telling my mom, Mom, clean your fucking nose.

I was a fucking kid, guys, eight, nine, and going, clean your fucking nose, please, my friends are here. You know. Do you think it's as prevalent as weed is now? What's that? Coke, like, when your mom was doing it? Not when I was eight, nine, 10. I knew that my mother's bar people did it.

And I knew that they did stupid shit with it. They weren't smoking or anything like that. They would just, I still remember getting up in the morning like in eighth grade, seventh grade and going to school and they'd be in my living room with a huge aluminum foil open. And they wouldn't grind the coke in those days. There was no grinding it.

You just put the rocks in there. Oh shit. And they would just sit there. And I'd go to school and eat my Cheerios while they're snorting coke. And they all felt guilty so they would all give me money. Hey, what are you gonna have for lunch? Here's 50 bucks.

I would leave for like $200 every time they were all over snorting coke. And my mother used to tell them, don't give them cash. And I go, nah, nah, nah, nah. Come back tomorrow. You can do whatever you want in my fucking house. No, doing coke that way is what burns a hole

in your nose. Well, they didn't know. It was 1974, 1975, and then there was a guy that used to come to my house, that in the mornings I would hear my mother and stepfather and everybody else talking about him. They had to throw him out all the time. He used to get paranoid.

His name was Muneco. He had an eye that when he did Coke, it staggered and shit, right? So, when I was a kid, I liked him a lot, Muneco. He had two sons. I liked him a lot when I was a kid. Something happened at the bar. I did something.

I stuck up for him and he called my mother. He goes, tell Coco I'm gonna take him to Macy's tonight with his son I was still living on 88th Street. So I had to be under 10 I'll never forget that he came over and he took me to Macy's He goes buy whatever you want and I bought like the Hot Wheel carry case and like the mongoose Remember that one thing? Yeah, and I brought it home When we got walking the door, he looked at my mother. My mother goes, is that all he got?

And he goes, that's all he wanted. And my mother looked at me and he goes, and the guy took a fucking six inches of cash out. He goes, I brought this. He didn't wanna spend any of it. When I saw that, I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's go back, I wanna get some skis. Cause I just saw the James Bond movie on skis and shit.

I spent like $21. The guy had like $10,000 to spend on me because I said something and covered for his wife. Like somebody was gonna get in trouble, but I said I hadn't seen him. And they were like, he's smart, he's a good boy. He didn't lie. He fucking stuck up for us.

So then my mother dies. I don't see this guy, but he was tight. Before my mother died, they killed his son. He was he was doing heroin with somebody and up in the just around here somewhere up in Fort Lee up up they had money a white girl and after my mother died I'm eating on 43rd and Burgerland and some guy comes in he goes aren't you friends with Muneco? I'm like yeah where is he? I'm like he wants you to call him. I've been looking for months for you he's in Florida so I call him he sends me a plane ticket I go down like two days later first night he's all

coked up he's like I sent for you because I want your Italian friends to kill that family because he knew that I lived with the Balzanos and he shot a guy eight times in the back he goes see if you go over there and fucking have him killed and I'm like let's do some coke right I'm sitting and so he brings me back to his house got a wife and two the one kid died the other kid way older than me I got to be 18 19 and this guy comes in the room, you ready for this? He would do coke, he would disappear and then come back with white underwear, a white t-shirt, V-neck,

a Chinese t-shirt with the things, with the gold chain, with chancletas in his feet out, but he would get a big margarine tub. This is unheard of. He'd get the biggest margarine tub. Is this the gay Santero still? No, no, no. The Gay Santero is dead and buried. This is like an uncle to me. He would fill it with water and then put a dish in so the dish would float in the water and then he would put

coke on it. So if the cops came, he would just dump the coke in the water. I mean, that's a complete different set of paranoia. He had bars on his window already, the whole fucking thing. So now we're doing coke, I'm sneaking little coke lines, and he's just rattling off, and his eye is looking all over the place, but he would carry the 22 or the 32 in his waistband, and do you know at five in the morning, dog, he goes outside to look out the window

and the gun slips and he shoots himself in the fucking foot. And his wife comes running in, the son, he's on the floor, and they're like, I'm like, call the ambulance, he's like, don't call nobody. And his wife go, he shot himself last month too. And I looked at his feet, he had like three little bullet holes in his fucking feet. Every time the gun fell, he'd go off and shoot himself

in the fucking. Jesus. Like that was 84. And by that time, the cat was out of the bag. But all these stories that we're reading about now. That's a good one. Have you ever told that story before? I think so, I think so.

I think fucking so. That was a wild night with that mother. It was a Monday morning, and the music at the time was Checker Khan, Checker Khan, and Give Me A Higher Love. It was August or September of 84, that summer. Those songs really place it in time, right? Yeah, Checker Khan, Checker Khan, Checker Khan. I Feel For You, that's that one I think.

What song? I feel for you. That was that song. That's a good one. That's a good one, yeah. She still looks good, man. I'm on her social media. She looks really good.

I was just listening to her the other day. The first, I listened to Sweet Thing when she was still with Rufus. That motherfucker played a guitar because nobody plays a guitar like us. Yeah, because she was a cutie back then. He was what? She was a cutie. She was a cutie back then. He was what? She was a cutie.

She was hot. She was adorable. I was 76, that was my song. She was like in her 20s. Me and that girl. I would love you anyway, even if you cannot stay. She had a big, she had a big fro. She was hot, hot.

Yes, yes. But all these books now and all these series, it's just like this drug thing, we were fucked. We were fucked as Americans. Like they fucked us. And I had to listen, I had a great time doing coke for 28 years. I'm not gonna sit here and be Johnny Hippocrate, but we got fucked. You know, because you'd read about all these different organizations and stuff Everything was great till about the 80 or 81 and then the government got involved and that's when everything fucked up That's the war on drugs. It was no war on drugs. It was a silent war on drugs. We want to make a piece of it, too That's why they went and she got went down there and got Noriega.

They never gave a fuck about Noriega. They were talking about the Panama Canal. They wanted what Noriega wanted. They wanted their 15%, dog, just the way it is. And that's what they always fucking do. That's what they always do. And that's when it blew out of proportion and you watch all these documentaries, cowboys this and that this and that

How many of these guys were there? How many think about how many of these guys were there in the cocaine business everybody got into the cocaine business after a while Yeah, well, there are many layers to it. There was land and there were morons Yeah, morons that were making a lot of money because I used to rob those morons. They didn't know what they, they didn't know. Then I'm gonna tell you an interesting one. I got locked, before I got locked up,

there was a family called the Markleys in Longmont, Colorado. This is 86. I got locked up in 87, but the time I got locked up, they were already in County waiting for sentencing I didn't know this story it was what I read it was a father-and-son landscaping business and one day they bought a fucking ounce of

coke and started selling it and the thing took off the thing took off like they they couldn't even they didn't and they were so stupid they were rednecks they didn't know how to launder the money So they would just kept buying Landscape trucks they had every fucking truck that you could buy These people were making serious fucking money And when they got busted the cops busted them and sat there the whole night and sold coke Just to double-check the amount that they were fucking making on the weekends plus they were wholesaling kilos the whole fucking thing I get

locked up and I meet the little Mark Lee and we're talking one day and I'm like what the fuck were you motherfucking rednecks doing up in a long money right man we started with an ounce and then we're picking up five kilos every other week I mean these guys got a huge but they were two idiots. The feds, you know the feds, when Markley, young Markley lived with his wife downstairs and she was pregnant. After they got arrested they found out that the father knocked her up when they were doing coke together. They were rednecks, dog. They were white trash motherfuckers. Wait, they were doing coke together? The mother and the father.

Oh, okay. So the young Markley who was married, the one I was doing time with, they got divorced during sentencing and she went with the father. I mean, this is just cocaine shit, man. This is just, I heard all these fucking stories and that's how they got him to plea bargain

That's how she ended up ratting on the both of them and fucking because he was fucking the both of them just crazy shit There was a crazy time in America when when when cocaine you know this when cocaine hit let's say Early 80s this period you're talking about it hit like like a fucking tidal wave. Like a tidal wave. And it hit everywhere in the US. This was Willie and Sal. They were bringing it to these different places. They were selling more Coke than anybody in LA by the mid-80s.

And it just hit everybody. People, you know, the early media about cocaine was mostly positive. It was on the cover of Time Magazine, a Newsweek magazine, and they were like, everybody's doing it, all different class levels are doing it, you don't get a hangover, there's no hangover, and all the,

so the PR on Coke was very positive, up until crack, until crack. Crack kind of tarnished the image a little bit. So if you're a Coke dealer, you have blood on your hands by the crack era. But yeah, it hit like a phenomenon. We all know it from the clubs, the way it took over in nightclubs. I mean, come on. But what always got me was up in New York, and I'm sure this is true, actually I saw

it in Cleveland and some other places, cocaine had hit the working class. You go to the local Barney Stone after work on a Friday and all those working class people were doing coke. They made it affordable. This is one of the things Willie and Sal did. They brought in a lot of product so that they could bring the price down. The price came down suddenly and they got it to the middle class and the working class. What they did was they did something that nobody planned on. They got the biggest form of free advertising that there ever was. If anybody ever did it, it was cocaine.

Because in the early 80s when somebody went to the bathroom, they came out and they went to their drink and you heard, that was it. And people come on right up to you, are you doing coke man? Is it cool? Do you really see things? Do you hear the doubt? You know, they'd ask you creepy questions. Then it just took one thing, you want to do a line of coke? Yeah sure, let's try it. And boom, they walked because... How could you say no to it? Yeah, because you believe that it brought you into a different class. You're at a club. By you doing it, like a chick. Chick lives in the projects of North Bergen.

You got her in the city doing coke, drinking Dom Perignon, she sucking your dick, because nobody's ever made her feel that way. All of a sudden, there was no VIP in those days. But think about it, that was the VIP room. If you're coming out of the bathroom, oh my God, and doing all that shit, and that's... What do you think changed?

Like why, because that, I mean I've seen cocaine out, but I've never, like it wasn't, I don't think it's like that anymore. I don't think that's the type of drug it is. Well somebody's fucking dying. It's out there. Oh, it's definitely out there, but I don't think it's like a static symbol.

Not like that. Not like it was. No, we're talking about... Now it seems dirtier. Now it seems like people like it, like to me, who that people like it. To me, who's never done it. Somebody, it's like people, I don't give a.

I always win. You ever meet those people? Every time I go to Vegas, I clean up. Well, Vegas don't get bigger in Vegas. Those are the people who do a lot of cocaine. Yeah. If you're winning and everybody I know wins, how the fuck does Vegas keep getting bigger and bigger?

These cartels have all the money in the fucking world. When in the 80s when they were doing all, didn't these motherfuckers make Forbes magazines early on, the Escobars? That dude was making what, six million a day? Oh, Escobar, Escobar. Are you fucking kidding me? So, you know know it was I

Remember it feeling like if you did coke you were a little better person Celebrities are doing coke Yeah athletes were doing coke and if I'm telling you I grew up in northern, New Jersey Yeah, blue Collierville and when somebody went and came out of a bathroom, it was like fucking all hell would break loose. Well, you had a better chance of getting laid if the ladies heard that sniffing too because they loved the coat during that period. Yeah, yeah, no, it was, and I wasn't even that into coat, really, I was more of a- I was, I loved it

since day one. I loved it. I didn't get high for like the first year on it, and I thought they were playing a trick on me. But you know, the whole, sorry to interrupt, but the whole world can be divided into two groups. The groups are when they laid out that line of cocaine at a party club for the first time and said, you want to try some? There's the people who said no, and there's the people who said yes to that. And they're two very different kinds of people, right?

Totally different kinds of people. I personally would rather spend time with the people who did the line of coke than the people who didn't do the line of coke. The ones who didn't do the line of coke are ones that just probably became boring. They lived a boring life. My mom sold the bar in 78.

She had some money. She invested in a fucking jewelry store in the city, but she was buying more jewelry than she was selling. And then she would go to the fucking, the Yonkers Raceway and they were fucking, you know, she was losing her money gambling. So my last year with her, she started holding drugs downstairs in the basement for people. And for a few weeks there'd be weed downstairs in the fucking, in those yellow Columbian bags.

But it was the worst weed in the world. Whoever grew it crushed the seeds and put the seeds back in it. So it means every time you spark it, it blows up. It blows up, you couldn't even smoke a joint. Bah, bah, you gotta keep lightin' it. And then I went downstairs one day and I found a big bag of Coke.

I'm talkin' a big bag of Coke. And I would look at it, I would ask around. And then one day I stole some, like just a little taste, and I gave it to a friend of mine. I go, you're a good guy, you like doing Coke, take this. And he's like, where'd you get this from? So I took some, and one day, a week before my mother died, one day we went to Hudson County Park,

we robbed beer from Albertsons and we went to my buddy's house. And while we were down there, everybody was in the basement and him and I were upstairs and I gotta tell you something, I got some fucking coke and he's like, we were 16. He's like, come on. So we were drinking vodka with peppermint schnapps and we would crush the ice on top. You're 16?

16 and we put it in the freezer for it to get hard and then when it came out, that's how we did it. We sprinkled the coke on there first, and we called them like snowballs. We weren't back down and we're talking to these kids who are not doing drugs and we're like, we're drinking snowball. And they're like, what's a snowball? They they didn't even know and then finally we went upstairs into the line of coke And we were like don't say this to nobody we did that coke and I

Don't remember getting I didn't get high till you guys were little hoodlums Right, and then we used to bring it you were like Jimmy Cagney and and dog my sophomore and junior year We used to bring it to school. There was a football player that sold grams at school and we would bring them into the classrooms and pass the package back and forth during the class and do little bumps and kids were looking at us like we were fucking Martians, man. That's hilarious. I guess you were destined to do coke, you know? You just got there way faster than most people.

I'll tell you the funniest story. In the sixth grade, I'm dating this Cuban girl in New York, her name is Riza, and my man and your man thought he comes over. And he comes over, because I fucking hated Nina, but he comes by himself. And he was like a broad Cuban guy, thin, like that dude probably had a big dick.

Because he was like six foot one, 180, but he had big hands and big feet, and he was thin and hard. Sounds like a big dick. All right, so one day he comes over, and he's like, your mother tells me you're dating some girl. Like, my mother went to him To give me like advice and talk to me not him. I

Mean you got to think this guy used to take me to a barbershop on the way back Those little apartments on Boulevard East by the 60s Right there, but there's a little like they've been there forever We would go in there and that was one of his places where he weighed coke But there were two girls that were always naked and they'd be eating each other out and he'd go let's watch for a little while. I'm in the six fucking gray with this guy. You know this is Tati dog. He knows he knows the legend of Tati. So one night he's like you eating a pussy yet? I'm like no I'm not

doing anything. I barely kiss it. He he's like, this is what you do. And he fucking went in his jacket pocket and he took fucking something out and he went and he had a capsule and he emptied it like a fucking contact, you know, contact, remember? For his 16 hour cold relief. He had like a contact and he emptied it and he filled it up with coke and he gave it to me.

He goes, next time that girl comes over, you put that on a pussy. And I'm like, what? I didn't even know what he was talking about. He's like, gotta eat a pussy and all this shit. And I'm like, I didn't sell nothing to nobody for fucking like five months. And then one night my mother came home with steam in her heart.

She goes, get the fuck down here. She goes, stop, he gave you fucking coke. And you, where is it? She goes in my drawer. She's like, go get it, and give it to mommy. I could hear her on the phone, how dare you give him coke? He's 12 fucking years old, what were you thinking?

And he's on the other line, but trust me, he's gonna put it on a pussy. You know, la papaya, you know how they talk. So I'm gonna la papaya, like those old school revolutionary teachers. Dabi gave me a fucking capsule filled with cocaine. So that's what I grew up with. So at first I would look at them and go, I'm never going to do that.

I'll smoke dope, but I ain't putting nothing in my nose. And then I discovered THC Crystal, Gorilla Biscuits, AKA fucking parrot tranquilizers. And then cocaine came along like six months after that, and I swore I wouldn't do it. And I was like fucking hooked. And that was it after that. From 1979 to 2007, I was fucking hooked.

It was a hard thing to not do was fucking it was it was a Hard thing to not do because it was around it was everywhere, you know, you'd see go to party at somebody's house It's definitely gonna be there go to a club. It's definitely gonna be there going to woman's bathroom. It's there When the men's bath, it's kind of everywhere They might be a line at the party to like some, the Coke was there and there'd be like a line to. But it was crazy because if you went to New York in the 80s, you could put an ounce on the table

and snort it. People were doing it at restaurants, clubs. But then I went out in the city in 93 and I took a package out, they almost fucking called 911 on me. They threw me out, they were like, we don't do that here no more. I'm like, this is New York City. They were like, we don't do that here no more. I'm like, this is New York City.

They're like, we don't. Yeah, no, that era passed. It changed completely. What about the history of cocaine and comedy? Because I was thinking, comedy might have been one of the worst places for you to go, cocaine-wise. It must be out every night. That's a book somebody should write.

Yeah, I was just thinking that's a cool. That's a book somebody should write. Yeah, I was just thinking that's a cool. That's a book somebody should write, The History of Cocaine and Comedy. Well again, that was my favorite fucking comic, Richard Pryor, so when he lit himself up on fire. You should write that book. What's that, Cocaine and Comedy? The History of Cocaine and Comedy.

You got another book in you? I was just talking to the guy the other day. Cause like yeah, everyone did it. That seemed like it, I mean you're up. Freddie Prinze. Oh yeah. All those deaths. Prior.

Prior, you know, all those fucking great, those guys got hooked. Marvin Gaye was fucked up. Oh yeah. Marvin Gaye was fucked up. A lot of those guys, my favorite Hollywood Henderson was fucked up, fucked up, you know. And that's why cocaine was easy,

because athletes were doing it. You know, the only person that broke my heart when I found out he did coke, there was only one person that was in shock, and that's Joe Montana. Oh. When I found out Joe Montana did coke, I was fucking pissed off like a motherfucker.

Really? Because he was like my hero. You know, I didn't want my heroes. You put him on a pedestal Yeah, I think John want had to coke and I heard horrible fucking stories so Yeah, a lot of athletes of that era football players were doing coke basketball players. I'm sure Baseball players remember in the whole big scandal with the whole New York Mets in the 80s? Keith Hernandez. They were all cokeheads. Fucking the Phoenix Suns with Gondrzeczek's younger brother. There was there doing coke in the dugout. They'd make jokes about how they were gonna run out and sniff up the foul line on the field. Like it was a

line of coke. The fucking San Diego Chargers had a problem that even Fred Dean left and Called him a bunch of freebakers and motherfuckers when we went to the Niners Yeah, it was it was real man. And you know, listen, we were sold the Bill of Rights that it didn't do anything for you when I found myself in prison for kidnapping I Was like they were fucking wrong. Okay, they didn't really know. They didn't really know the effects of cocaine. They didn't know the effects of long-term cocaine usage.

They just didn't know the effects of long-term cocaine usage with alcohol and the imagination. Because cocaine and the imagination. Yeah. Because cocaine and the imagination, life and imagination, imagination sometimes gets you in trouble without you even knowing it. You know, you don't even know it's imagination.

I just had something six months ago where I'm like, what made me do something like this? It was imagination. So something that I thought would happen from a TV show I watched or something. It's just horrible. So are you saying when Coke first came out you didn't think it was bad for you? It wasn't told. It wasn't built like that. It was something that you did it, made you drink, no hangovers, you're going to go home and find.

Yeah, there were no case studies of long-term users because there hadn't been any at that point. Fuck, I never thought, I just thought you knew it was bad but it was fun. No. I mean the other night something was on that was very interesting. I told you Time Magazine said, you know,

there were no bad consequences from it. Oh shit. In 1987 something happened in this country that was really weird. And then I was just coming home and it was the death of Lenny bias Mm-hmm. That was very controversial death in my world because I was about 20 something at the time He got drafted and he and he died the next day that night at a party

Yeah, he said he never did it before So if he had never done it before this is first time Well, he died and they went after lefty, dries the butt. The moral of that story was, this is how crazy that is, I was here. I had just flown in for something here and I was in the city and I went to get coke or weed

and somebody goes, we got the bias. Shit, I'm like what? I didn't even know what he was saying. I thought he asked me that Lenny Bias died. He goes, nah, we got what killed Lenny Bias. And I was like, you cold blooded motherfuckers. But cocaine was such a bad... That's wild about the drug world, right? There's that, I don't want to call it evil, but there's a certain level of that business

where if they hear there's a certain coke that's taking people out, they want it. There's a very self-destructive tendency to use that shit. And yeah, if that takes over, we're all in bad shape. You know, I once saw something that said cocaine was a curse from the Incas to destroy white men. It's possible, they used it.

And after what I saw, what I've seen, what it made me do Yeah Yeah, there's something to that There's something and it comes from the natural But the shit they put in there once you find out what they actually put in there. It's a plant You're like, you know, no wonder I had t-shirts that had this was brown White t-shirts that you would put chlorine on but the sweat was brown

God knows what was in there. You see him when they're putting gas and yeah, that's the time Okay, you know Malugia juice and you know, it was just so many fucking things and that's why I'm pissed sometimes when I Go back into the 80s and the late 70s of cocaine, it was like they were fighting a war that they were helped supplying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's what got to me.

Yeah, that's the corruption of the whole thing. That's what really pissed me off. And listen, like right now, I feel at times like one of those people that sues Marlboro for getting cancer You know me talking this way like going I'm pissed about what they did But I was that weak and I let it in yeah can't be mad at Marlboro You know saying you can't be mad at the Colombians

And you can't be mad. No, it's a plant when I was in when I was in Peru. I did coca leaves every day And it felt like a million bucks. It was clean. Well, first of all, it's because of the altitude. Keeps you from getting altitude sickness. And so you have just a little wad of coca leaves in your mouth and I liked it. It was kind of like a wad of tobacco.

I've never done that. So I was doing it every day, and the hotel where I was staying, they had like a bowl of coca leaves. When you come into the hotel, you could just help yourself to it. There was always tea that was made out of the coca leaves that was there for you to have.

Did you feel yourself getting addicted to it? No, hell no. But you'd get a little buzz. It was like coffee. It was very much like coffee. It gave you a little caffeine buzz. And I used it one time when I was going up to see a shaman, a woman. All I knew is that this woman was elderly and she was in this village outside of Lima, and we could go see her and, you know, have

a session with her. And I said, yeah, that sounds great. We had to take a bus to get there, and then when we got off the bus, we had to go up a hill into a very remote part of this little village. And then we get up there, and one house out in the middle of nowhere, and there's a line there. And then we get up there and the one house out in the middle of nowhere and there's a line there there's a line of people waiting to get in to see this curandera and So I'm in the line and finally get in to see this old lady and and she's like

She's about 95. She speaks a local dialect, not Spanish, so there was a translator there. I sit down in front of her and she says, okay, you got to take a bunch of the coca leaves and put them in your mouth. By then I had been using coca leaves almost every day while I was there. So I was like, great, no problem. Boom, put it in there. I'm vibing on it, you know, I'm getting the juices from it and everything.

And she's looking at me. She's looking at me, then she turns the translator, she says, is he married? She was turned on, I think she was turned on by the fact that I was taking to the leaves with great gusto. She liked that, she's turned on by that, she thought that was great.

So it's like a bonding thing, the coca leaves. It's a ritual from long ago, just like coke, cocaine. But that's the more natural way and that's more of a spiritual way yes once you had gasoline and shoot people fuck and you know everything else and yes that's man that's man that's what man does right that's a man that turns it into a dirty little business what are we gonna do about that, Joey? This is me off, DJ. Everything pisses me off.

That's what happens when you get old, you have no teeth. You have a fuckin', you have a fuckin' hernia now. Hey, you're doing good, man. You're still sitting here telling great stories, able to enjoy good stories. That's it. It's stories. That's it. It's okay, it's okay. It's been okay, man.

You know, I'd rather be in a hospital than six feet under, so we're here, we're slinging dick. We're going to Austin this week, we got two sold out shows. No shit. We're eating some Terry Blacks. You gonna do Rogan when you're there? Thursday.

Thursday, Friday, go get some stem cell on my dick. I'm gonna go get some shot here. Really? I don't know. I usually go for a shot at my knee and maybe. There is, you do get to a stage, I guess, men get to a stage where you have to start shooting your dick with something.

Not me, I'm not putting anything in my dick. That's a different world, but they will invent something. No, no, that's already happening. I have this, that guy I was telling you about in Boston, gangster friend of mine, he had some, and he'd got it on the black market for another gangster, and he took me one day, he said, I gotta take this over to this guy,

this injectable fluid with the needle that they inject into their dicks because they were both probably pushing 70 around that time or into their 70s, well into their 70s, yeah. So they were having to inject their dick. So he's going over to see this guy to give him some of this liquid. And they're making a deal, he's paying them for it. He got it on the black market. And so they leave me in the car, I'm sitting in the car, and they're like standing in the street

right in front of the car, and I'm watching this transaction. And the one guy who I didn't come with, he comes over the car and he taps on the window and I roll it down and he says, hey, you're the writer, right? Yeah. He says, you're writing a book? I said, writing a book?

No, not at the moment, not writing a book. Because he says, you're not putting this in a book, right? He didn't want me putting in the book to these guys, you know, having to do a black market deal to buy stuff to inject into their deck so that they had any action at all. And they tell me, the older guys, the older fellas tell me that that's one of the next stages. You're probably not there yet. I'm not quite there yet.

But that's what we had to look forward to. And what is the gel doing in your dick? I don't think it's a gel. Well, I don't know. No, I think it's just something that stimulates your blood, I guess. You go to China, you buy those fucking lizard balls. This episode is also brought to you by Bluetooth. I remember I was in Hong Kong once and you go to one of those little

Place where they sell all that shit and the variety of stuff they have in like a Chinese pharmacy All those ancient herbs and shit. They have and they're all for the dick a lot of a morphin I think they but they shoot themselves the black stuff that black car that you eat that breaks. That's for your dick. You have to go to a chinese pharmacist They say you can't turn that shit back. That's good dick That's like okinawa dick. You just keep giving it It's the dick that keeps coming. You know I'm saying TJ always a pleasure to have you brother my pleasure man fucking Thank you for leaving the book. Thank you for being sir. Thank you for being my inspiration. I love reading your

stuff and hopefully one day I'll grow up to be like you. So for the audio listeners TJ, what's the name of the new book? New book is called The Last Kilo. The Last Kilo, there's a subtitle. I don't even remember it anymore. But yeah, it came out as a hardcover book a few months ago and it's out there, you can get it anywhere. You can buy a book, yeah. Thank you, brother. Thank you. And that's it.

We got Austin, Texas. Lee, what do you got? The 19th Saturday, I'm with Steve Simone at the Dojo. Oh, the Dojo of Comedy, there he is right there. Fucking perfect on a Saturday night. What else you got going on? You doing any shows at the fucking, you TJ. You doing any shows that the Blue Moon, whatever the fuck.

The Blue Note. The Blue Note, the Blue Moon, whatever the fuck. The Blue Note. Shit, the conversation is deteriorating rapidly all of a sudden. That's what happens. It's just crumbling right before your eyes. I love you guys. See you next week.

Stay black. I wanna thank TJ. I wanna thank Lee, but most importantly, I wanna thank you guys for always having a back. Have a great week and we'll see you next week, I guess. What's happening beautiful people? Uncle Joe here for Blue Chew. Listen, if a soft sausage is holding you back from meeting the love of your life, Blue Chew has what you need. They send chewable tablets right to your fucking front door that are going to make you a beast in the bedroom. Just head over to their website,

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