Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Acid Church - Ari Shaffir, Eddie Bravo, Duncan Trussell

Episode Date: October 12, 2015

Ari Shaffir, Comedian, and Host of the, "Skeptic Tank" podcast, Eddie Bravo, 10th Planet Jiu Jitsu,join Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio with a call from Duncan Trussell, 'The Duncan Trussell Family Hour" This podcast is brought to you by:   NextIssue.com/joey for a free trial.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for five Hit E Cig's for $50   Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by using code word joeydiaz. They are also produce some of the best edibles on the market, Los Gummies Hermanos   Recorded live on 10/12/2015.
   Music:  Hand Of Doom - Black Sabbath I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Angry Chair - Alice In Chains  

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What the fuck? What you gonna do? Oh shit. You put this on after about 3 hours of trip and see what happens to it. If you don't want to jump off a fucking window. You're kidding me or what? Fast forward that lead a little bit. How far?

How far? A little bit more. I'll tell you when this stops. Minute and a half. Go. Keep going a little bit. This is the part that kills you. Late in the night, I wish it for you.

What? Go ahead. You don't know what your head is at when you're tripping and you put this song on. You don't even know what you're at. It's just playing on the album. I think it's like the second song on the second side. Awesome. He starts throwing this on you.

Oh you, oh you know you must be blind to do the things like this. Are you fucking kidding me? Kick it, Lee. The church cocksuckers, October 11th, the day the devil was buried in sea. Eddie Bravo, Ari Shaffirah. That's the dude calling you down in Dallas. Where's Ari Shaffirah? Sorry we're late, but that's what happens.

You know what I'm saying? It's Sunday night. You got no work tomorrow unless you're a part-time fucking slave. It's Columbus Day. Everybody got the day off. You know what I'm saying? Everybody, even black people. Everybody got the fucking day off tomorrow.

Does that mean I have the day off tomorrow? You have the day off tomorrow. What do you mean the day they bury the devil at sea? That's the day the devil, the buried devil at sea. Is that a song in Latin or is that somebody else? Or are you just talking? No, that's just us talking here. So yeah, if you guys want to be on our level, take acid and pause this for half an hour.

What's going on, Doug? Nothing. Eddie Brow was in the house fresh from fucking jumping jacks and putting videos up. He was bowling motherfuckers and shit. Going viral online. They don't know that you still got it. They think you're over here getting weak in the fucking bush or something like that. They don't know that you're over here getting stronger by the fucking day out of it.

They're just learning the rubber gun. You've taken it up to three fucking levels since then. You know what I'm saying? What's up, Ari Shaffirah? How are you, man? What's up, buddy? I just finished all that stuff. Done with work for a while.

Going to Australia. What's in Australia? How many weeks? Three weeks. And comedy? Yeah. How many shows? Seven.

Okay, that's not bad. Yeah. And the rest of the time, you're just going to go to Kangaroos and walk around. I don't know. Go hang out. Do some shit. Absolutely. I don't know.

Yeah, go look at some Kangaroos. Challenge one. Learned my 10th planet white guard. How long is the flight? Frankie Barker's down there waiting for you. Where's Frankie Barker at? Melbourne. Melbourne.

Are you Melbourne at all? Yeah, that's the first place I go to. 10th planet Melbourne. You've got to stop by Frankie Barker's house. They'll feed you. They cook Italian food and shit. All right. No leg locks.

We'll get a hold of Frankie Barker. We'll be waiting for you at the airport and shit. I'll go. I'll meet you. They'll send Mad Max to the fucking airport to get you and shit. Great show this week, by the way. Congratulations. Oh, thanks.

It's your fucking ninth season. One Comedy Central, one of the Dungeon of the Improps, and one online. Now you have to season four and shit. Yeah, two online. Two with the team. Yeah. Yeah. This was great.

It went so good. It went so good. You were great. Felipe was great. Henry Rollins. Henry Rollins. Great. Who else did you say Wednesday night?

Brewer. Brewer. Ron White. Yeah. That's good. Everybody. Good little fucking line up. Yeah.

Steve Simone broke his cherry. Yeah, magical. That bad motherfucker, Steve Simone. Oh, Nick Swanson. Nick Swanson, yeah. Fucked up to the gills with shorts on. Yeah, all right, shorts. I love it.

What is he wearing? I don't care. Is it everybody wants? Artie Lang was wearing a free jacket he got from like, it was like the NFC playoffs. From like 97? Yeah, then he wore a Kona the night before, just like, it's just his jacket that he wears around whatever fine come on relax it's fine it's a fun to go up there and tell a story sometimes it's kind of liberating especially when you've held it in for

years yeah you know I don't want to give the plots to a lot of the stories like already story all those stories are fucking great stories that you hold on to yeah you don't know who the fuck you're gonna tell yeah who are you gonna fucking tell craziness like that I was on a phone with Rogan the other day talking about coke and shit when I used to put fucking pool cleaner on my dick what when I was in the halfway house right coke because I'd snort coke Friday and Saturday and I wasn't gonna beat the test so I'm on circumcised so I take pool cleaner and I put on the inside of my dick and I fucking put the

skin over it and then when I go pee I pull the skin back and the pool cleaner would go into the fucking to piss test and I still come back positive like who do you tell this to that's gonna say Joey what the fuck you can't tell that to a therapist don't die don't die don't die on 9-1-1 on your dog I remember doing something to my dick one time putting something on my dick I don't know if it's pool cleaner or like that shit you unclog a drain with drain oh drain oh and I'll never forget I was working construction that he and it was hot out and I went into one of those plastic bathrooms you know those things that you

piss out I pour the party I took my dick out and it was just blistered like it was one big blister like a cabal it was pissing on a lake three holes that's what I would do to pass a fucking urine what is it like now huh is it back to normal I'll let you sniff it later you tell me what's up buddy Bravo look at you he's fucked he just chose a giggle and goes right back what's happening everything right so people know that what you guys yeah that we did I'll sit what the fuck won't be a wait we got a little piece my friends asked me to Taylor asked me like wait what if I do that like I don't know cuz Joey said

you have to do it I didn't say we had to do it come on here we at least admit that you make people do it I don't make nobody do it then nobody's got a gun to that fucking head I said Ari is right I didn't do something that I didn't do nothing I go let's do it hit a fucking ass okay and let's go what the fuck it's fun now I still in an arrow it took a little while last time I took it I don't know we're gonna find out they might come a point where I can't take them I just run the fuck out of here there was a point my living room Monday Tuesday night yeah I was pretty sucked up really I was pretty ready to call it

like no I've never been able to never been able to ready a call tap out never oh my never ever ever I said Bryce to when I was about 17 I go back to the house where I live the Bendis and I go to the bathroom I take my shirt off and I'd be on fire from the acid there's a point like the third or the fourth hour where you're seeing shit whether you got the lights on or not you go to pee and your piss is pale everything is tripping what you'll be like I'm coming down off this shit nothing's happened what that's what happens and then you walk into the living room it's dark and you start seeing fucking

shadows and you're tripping your ass off and I would put on like black Sabbath volume four with earphones in the dark and just sit there at least I had for fucking the both sides like a soldier on a track I'm taking it back to the A track any problem you just had mad visuals like you're oh my god like fucking crazy shit some nights we'd sit outside and just look into the New York City sky and like just sit outside man look at that fucking look and I remember the best night I ever had as a youngster one of the first times I tripped we went to the to the soccer field that's what we used to hang out

it's called shits in park it's a German banquet area but they have a soccer field and they used to have sheep men and we used to go up there and party I swear to God we brought Louis the nigger with us Louis Hernandez was not black nor nor anything he was Dominican but he had an afro and we all split a little piece of ass and we started tripping on the clouds at it so all sudden what we see we realized was if he let us blow smoke into his afro the smoke would go into his afro for like two minutes then it would come out slowly and we'd be tripping we'd be oh look at that look at that look I swear to

God that's how fucked up we were back I love Louis Hernandez he's just like hi it's just like what he really is North Burgling thank you we called him up to talk to him about it no I saw him about 15 years ago at a deli and we spoke for a little while he's a really good kid so wait I have a question good we've only done mushrooms like a little bit is this the same as mushrooms like do you start like the stuff start moving no it's different see I grew up on the ass in Jersey well not the Colorado was when I started eating shrooms I didn't really like it because they gave me diarrhea all right so I

didn't like it so I never really did anything ever again and then I ate it one time and I ate it with you yeah to see Pink Floyd neighborhood gaze we went back to my house and watch the acid yeah yeah no I got a little heavy in the middle there did it get heavy for you in the middle yeah at the pantry at the pantry okay but you're looking a little fucked up right now you know my center place you're looking like something more apocalypse now look at you sit down so Lee you've never done it before I've done it twice now okay all the past a week and a half it's fun it's just we did it two weeks ago when I went to New

York I went to the stand right they went to the stand and some comment came up and was like man I love you that you want some acid I go you got some he opened up his wallet he had a hundred hits he had a sheet of Ben Franklin what so I said let me get to him he goes yet take one give the other one to leave that's exactly what I did huh and then we ate that and then I went to Toledo and some other nice gentleman came up to me and said take these one with us these and he goes I'm on five of them huh oh my god he was on fucking five of them Lee so I ain't one of them and I was like oh my god if you fucking five them

that guy's got he's got my tolerance for this shit well cuz I could eat five of these back in 82 not now yeah it was weird like cuz the first time it didn't really have that much on the fact it was like kind of goofy but this last time was same stuff was the difference I had a lot more energy it was weird did you want to close your eyes or do you want to know like I said I fucking pulled you know how you know like the wire they run coaxial cable when they put in cable oh I pulled it out of the wall what because I don't have cable anymore it was dangling it was bothering me I got really amped up for some reason he

started cleaning his apartment I clean my entire apartment the next day played fucking maple he made what's the name mape mape maizel whatever fucking name but I think you already brought with your death mule or something no I'm enjoying the conversation I can't believe I'm sitting here with three dudes who are totally tripping what we have a study it's gonna start I know it's gonna I'm looking forward to it all three what's not gonna be like I might have to take over the show I'm here for the remainder I'm here till 2 3 a.m. we're gonna start taking calls everything you take calls really we'll take them what

the fuck we're tripping they might want to talk to hurry about something but you told me I was gonna be up to like eight in the morning so like you know my bids I'm probably not gonna make my comedy source but when tonight yeah no you're in no dana we'll call him now and say they have an uncle Joey gave me a hit of this fucking that nobody like it pumps you up doesn't it acid what's got rat poison in it so it just fucking lifts your spirits yeah strict mind what read the label I'll give you a piece right now I give you I give you five hours you go find strict mind on there oh my god it's gonna get ugly in here

you know that right it's gonna get fucking ugly in here I might have to go outside and get some man my palms are sweaty shit oh my fucking goodness but tremendous war here together when was the first time you guys did acid yeah well how old you are is your fear I don't know I think I think with you no that's a fucking embarrassing you know how you gonna do as a way you have like a fetish for taking young Jewish men like dude no might be what it was no it wasn't for acid was the first time either that's never I've done acid maybe I don't know twice but small doses so I just barely out of the visuals like the

walls of breathe a little bit shit like that wasn't intense at all but I've done mushrooms before in large quantities and totally had a tremendous experience we're gonna go over it I know you put a car weave yeah but I'll just leave that there I liked it I always like tripping I always tripping I really like didn't scare you the first time do you know what's gonna happen no I fucking clicked happen no I didn't know I didn't know at that time but at that time I didn't really care about that point because I was trying to text and all the letters started like floating away oh fuck I knew that could happen so I was okay sure

that's what you supposed to fucking happen you're supposed to see shit move but that's the whole thing of taking you from one place to another oh my god the only thing that takes you like this your mind is like this is like solitary confinement like if I can find you for nine days with just food no fucking talking guess where your mind goes your mind goes on weird places man your mind goes somewhere it's never been before it's like fucking acid that's why I love this shit takes you deep into the murky waters of the underworld you ever listen to music on ass you can just hear the cymbals playing tremendous

this is what they invented this shit for like I was telling you fucking guys the other day look it right now Eddie Braver was to pick up a t-shirt our rash guard right now and I took a picture here and we put a million retweets on Instagram with Joe Rogan you'd sell 10% of that right it's a recommendation of a rash guard correct when I was growing up the recommendation I asked that I had was I heard Led Zeppelin did it really I heard Jimmy Page did it and I heard like other people did it wasn't all that bad right they're making great fucking music they rock stars if they use this to write what can we do with it

I swear to God that was my that was the reason why I did acid the first time I didn't do it because other kids were doing it I thought about it I knew the reefer and the music was too strong for me when I first got high and heard music it took it to a different level I always enjoyed music but the music on the reefer is something completely fucking different so you went from reefer to acid so no we did a couple little THC crystals which is like fucking gorilla biscuits it's whatever the fuck you call that shit angel dust we would do angel dust like a line through $10 for a package three of us would get high that doesn't make your

trip but it makes you gumby ish you can't really feel your body you just feel like you're fucking floating we would take it and go into New York City as kids are you walk around that's a lot of stimulation for your mind and then the next level was microdot acid I think the first time I did acid was at Rolling Stone concert really just like that it was in my eyeballs that shit when it was real fucking acid wait they dripped it in your eyeballs two hits one of each I believe they just in your eyeballs and a little bit of a sugar cube they what bam well Jesus it's all over our like vizene you mean like vizene night night

oh what if you get it's sometimes you put vizene you want to put like two drops but you're like five you go from broke I guess one eyes on the seam one and the you're sitting there like fucking taxi driver I don't know what the fuck you gonna whip out a piece was last time you saw taxi driver it's been a while I just show the guy for the haircut what's that I just show the guy for my hair cut he wouldn't do it show off the last scene of taxi driver see if it's in this is the most radical fucking when he goes bananas whatever it's a great scene sure I say this is a big thing we don't fuck around here on the truck I thought

you fucked around no no no oh all right cuz I've been hearing around you've been fucking around no you want to eat this other piece three ways last scene of taxi driver when he goes bananas final scene whatever it says in there the guy starts yelling I kill you I kill you I kill you fucking tremendous people I'm happy you're home you're not doing dick it's Columbus Day grab some beers get a couple bong hits Ari Shaffer take a chance and my main man Eddie Bravo's here in the house Lisa at we took some fucking gorilla biscuits I don't give a fuck all the cops we ain't got nothing here we got a little bit of reefer we just

tell them where we are we're just sitting here minding our own fucking business okay people if the cops busted in you died for this last hit about sit what if the cops busted right now you would die fuck you die for that last piece ass like a savage I took a piece of ecstasy one time and got arrested an hour later really sure like a fingerprint I had my shirt off you should have seen me in the fucking fingerprint I was jumping up put the fucking I don't know we'll see right now oh this is the scene when he's driving we gotta see the scene when no no right here we go here we go Eddie Bravo you never saw this this one

talking look at look at Ari look at Ari with a lead jacket on his shit guys this is a different country this came out how you doing okay okay my man how do I know you how's everything in a pimp business I know you know why know you get out of here come on get lost I know you how do you guys tell him? how's Iris? you know Iris? no I don't know nobody named Iris Iris come on got it man you don't know anybody by name Iris I don't know nobody named Iris no hey get back to your fucking tribe before you get hurt man do me a favor I don't want no trouble huh okay got a gun fuck out of here man

get out of here suck on this this bad motherfucker that's Ari in Australia this is fucking unbelievable this is like when I was a kid this is I'm 15 or something this is early 70s yeah he didn't go he didn't even move it away just standing there it was last time we saw this on it's been a while you Eddie you never saw this you know what I've believed this don't touch nothing wait my a bada bingo the fucking fingers go off it's over it looked like he had it was he really bought it I don't know yeah it's dinner oh he sees a face

I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you, I'll get you Happy Halloween motherfuckers. There you go. That's a movie right there. Fuck you and your fucking whatever the guy playing baseball. He's 90 whatever the fucking HBO. This is a real fucking movie right here Jack. Oh, that's right. Then he runs out of bullets and he's a hero. Oh, he's shot in the neck. He's shot in the arm. He don't give a fuck. He's on fucking shroom tech. Look at him. He don't give a fuck, Jack. I've actually never seen this movie, man. Oh, yeah, you see you're slipping.

How old is this girl supposed to be? She's who the fuck? It's something like young. It's like 15, 16. Uh, this is a tremendous movie. Fucking slow as fuck. If you watch it now, oh my god. Freeze. Oh my god. Sounds like Chinese connection music. Jesus. That's gotta be a poster, right? Just win this one. Just win. Oh, career. Just won something, though. Oh, no. By this time he had already done Godfather 2. Oh, really? He had already done fucking. No, what are you turning it off for?

How does it end? Is this the end? No, then he picks her up in a cab and wakes up as a hero. He thought it was a hero in that showdown? Yeah, we gotta watch it again. It's so slow, Eddie. You fucking, you'll fall asleep later. No, that's a good movie, though. But it's a great movie, if you know, that it won an Academy Award. He won something. It's hard to watch anything after Narcos after watching that. How do you talk that? It's a true story. It's pretty damn accurate. Narcos? There's massive killing. It's true. It's like Game of Thrones, but it's actually true. Why did he kill that guy, the one you showed me? He took a country hostage. He told me that you do a country, not fucking the state, not 10 people, not a gang. A country.

A country. And he had more money than they ever dreamed of having. $60 million a day, Lee. More than GM, yeah. What was he losing? Did he make it right? He was losing money and miles of money that mice would just eat a certain amount of bills. Yeah, you should bury it. $60 million a day. $60 million. That's more than corporations back then. Blombo or Blata. That's speak. Look, if you are either bullets or fucking money, take your choice. What do you want? There's only two ways out of this. I know you love your family. I know you want to upheld the law. I know you went to law school and your father's a judge. But here it is. You haven't seen this, Narcos? We just, I just turned them on. Oh, you just show

yourself. You're going to be, it's, you can't watch anything else. You go back to empire. It makes empire look like those R. Kelly in the closet. What's empire? That show? It's a show about, uh, yeah, like a doodoo's, like part JZ, part Dr. J. I thought that show had a, uh, I thought that show had something. It's good if there's nothing else. If nothing else is on, I'll watch it. But it's, it's like, uh, it's a soap opera with occasionally someone gets shot. Uh, Palm Deore, Vest's, BAFTA. I'm looking for, I don't see any Oscars. No Academy Award nominations, nothing. Taxi driver. Have you lost your mind? I know he got something. I'll look forward. I'm looking forward. It's fucking, those are crazy fucking movies that they don't make. Yeah,

the sand blew up like it was a china doll. What movies, what movies have you seen that you thought were just the greatest movies of all time? But then you haven't seen them in 20 years and you go back and you see it and you're like, Oh my God, it's a piece of shit. Do you have any of those? Okay. The movie, any of those, I think your attention goes somewhere. I, I just tried to watch the French connection the other night. Yeah. It didn't stand the test of time. It was very interesting for a while. Then I was home. Listen, I, if two chicks are banging each other with dildo, I lose interest at the 25 minutes. But I watched the parts that mattered. Like I taped it and I watched it while I was taping it on like some weird channel. Yeah. And it was interesting

to see because I remember that movie. That movie meant a lot to me because I was just learning English and there's a scene where he's running up the stairs and he goes, pop, I don't freeze. And when he shoots him, it says filmed in New York, where it happened. And that like I lived in New York city dog. I wasn't, I was a human bird. That was the, that was the trailer filmed in New York, where it happened. And here I am. I live in New York. Like my head almost fucking exploded. So I fucking went to see that movie in the movie theater. Okay. And those scenes when he shakes down the fucking bar when Gene Hackman, those are the movies that made Gene Hackman hit me. It was nominated for best picture, but I don't think it won. No, no, no. I think Robert De Niro

got best. You're not going to shoot someone. You know, it stands the test of time and it's hard for comedies to stand the test of time. Think about comedies from there. A comedy movie from the early eighties. There's garbage. It's all garbage, but there's a lot of all of them. Except for Fast Times of Ridgemont High, which isn't a total comedy. That stands the test of time. Fast Times and automobiles is stronger than death. I just watched Blast, you know, that with John Candy. John Candy is a fucking genius. Some of those candles, some of them are good. Dog. You know what I got stuck on last week. You know, I tell you how it is. You know what I got stuck on last week and I watched it for an hour and giggled. Ferris Bueller's Day off. I don't

give a fuck. I was giggling for two minutes. I caught myself going, you know, listen, listen. He's so cocky that mother fucker. He's so cocky. The fucking, the part where, the part where, listen, I'll tell you a scene in a movie that I'll put up against anything today and yesterday. The part where Pee Wee Herman goes to the Mexican at the bar and he takes his high heels and he puts the fucking heels on and he does that. We'll battle with scenes. All right. You're putting in what's, what's his movie? What's the movie's name? Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure. Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Watch this dog. Pee Wee's Mexican

Dance, La Bamba, whatever it is. Tequila, Tequila. Press Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Tequila. Watch what happens and put on the big screen, dog. This is classic shit. I don't give a fuck if Pee Wee jerked off on your kid's head. I got one. I don't give a fuck. Do you understand me? Yeah, let's see. They're still fucking crazy. Let's see it. Lee, where is it? I know you found it. Lee, come on. You found it already, Lee. Here we go. There we go. This is a bike of bad. He's about to get killed. Look at him, Doug. Look at this white mother fucking busting it. Look at him, Doug. Not out. This ain't dick. What are you doing?

Look at his little head, Doug. Look at him. This is comedy, Doug. Watch his head. Watch his little cute head. Look at him. Hey, wait, Doug. Who is that? That's Pee Wee Herman, Doug. What the fuck is this? That move right there. That's Pee Wee, Doug. It's like he's pointing at his balls in his ass. His balls in his ass. It's like he's pointing at it. Put on a fast times of Richmond High surf scene with Jeff Spicoli. Have you ever seen that movie, Lee? Fast times? I think so, but not for a while.

The last time that movie was on, about a month and a half ago, I was home. It was one of my weeks off, and I was bored to pieces on a Saturday night. And this movie came on. I remember the breakdown. Do you know why? Why? Because it reminded me how old that was when I saw Fast Times. That was one of the first movies I saw before I went out in the world. That was, that movie, when I first tried to see it, we had to sneak in because that was 12 or 13 and we tried to sneak in, but we didn't get in on that when we got busted. So we didn't see it. I didn't see it till way later. I saw a home video, and I remember, yeah, that baseball dugout scene. Yeah, the one at the top, right there. What is this? Spicoli's dream?

This is Spicoli's dream, dude. This is so good. He's got great words. What is this? Listen to this. Well, I'll tell you still, I did battle some humongous ways, but you know, just like I told the guy on ABC, danger is my business. You know, a lot of people expect maybe Mark comes back to ABC, so it's the Bob Juggles at Gerard. They'll take the honors this year. That's fantastic. Let me ask you a question. When you get out there, do you ever fear for your life?

Well, still, I'll tell you, surfing's not a sport. It's a way of life. No hobby. The way of looking at that wave and saying, hey bud, let's party. Where'd you get this jacket? I got this in the network. Let me ask you a question. Headed over to Australia and the Hawaiian and the National. That stands a test of time right there. That's it. You're going to be late again. It's a fucked up podcast tonight, but this is what you get people. What'd you expect? That's quality shit right there. Quality riding.

Got it from the network. Oh my god. That's fucking Sean Penn. He was so good that I, as a kid, I thought that's the way he really was. Jeff Daniels snowball fight scene from Dumb and Dumber. What is it? Jeff Daniels snowball fight. Oh yeah. God. Yeah, Dumb and Dumber, right? I stand for just a time. Got it from the network. He's setting so cold pan too. He's just stopped him.

I got it from the network. Let's get to the back and talk about it. Like they're real friends. Like they're real buddies. Anybody want to know the star of death scene? Sure. It's going fast. I need to calm it down. You want to know the star of death scene? It is what it is, people. It is what it is. Nobody says it's going to be perfect. It's Columbus Day weekend, cocksuckers. Strap on your balls, pick up a beer, with just four guys fucking around on a Sunday night. This part, this part. All right, turn this off, please. He's beating up on the part now and shit.

You guys motherfuckers, you. What's happening, Eddie? How you feeling, my brother? I feel great, man. King of Jiu-Jitsu in the fucking room tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Ari Shafir. This is not happening. Start it with a little brain fart. Look at you now. You're a fucking brand and shit. People telling stories all over the world. This is not fucking happening. Heavy Rollins did one, man. He was so good. Did what?

Story of my show. Really? Yeah. He did a story. Like what does he do? He told a story about what was on a psychedelic episode. Oh, he was on your show. He told the story. Oh, cool. How did that go? Great. He told a psychedelic story. Yeah. Yeah. It's cool.

Is that what this is the show's about? Like you're telling different episodes? Different episodes, different topics. Oh, shit. Okay. That's a good topic. Yeah. Everyone's got good, especially comedians got. Yeah, some of them. Well, sometimes, you know, sometimes I know what I was going to tell you guys. That kid that got shot last week in Miami.

What about the air conditioning in here? I know. It's on high. It's on high as fuck. It's really cold in here, you guys. One night, well, what we do, we hit an acid and we go to this mate. We used to go to this place in the Fairview. It was in the Fairview cinema. That's what it's called. And there was two movie theaters. At midnight, they would always play a band, like a song, a movie from a band, like Crosby Stills, National Young or somebody's concert.

The song remains the same or the storm sticky fingers. And then the other movie theater, they would play the Rocky Howard picture show. That's terrible. So we all went and did this is when it was called double barrel sunshine acid. And you were supposed to get it and split it four ways. We got it and split it two ways. And we went to see Apocalypse Now. We left there blown away, but it had just rained at it.

So me, this kid that got shot, this other kid, Louis Castellito, we got like a three quarter of a mile walk home. And we're walking home. For some reason, Louis Castellito looks at me weird and he goes, do you hear that? And I play into it. I go, I hear that. Do you hear that? And also I'm like, oh my God, I hear that. I hear that too. And the kids looking at the both of us like, we're fucking crazy, but we're all tripping. And we start going, Jesus Christ, the sirens, what the fuck?

And my friends yelling the sirens, the sirens, and we're both yelling the fucking sirens. Also, my buddy looks at me and he just takes off and starts running. And like a half a block away, there's a, what's that one? The concrete breaks a pothole. Yeah. It was filled with rainwater. Oh no. And then we forgot he stopped.

He got his hands and knees and he started hitting himself with rain water. I don't hear the sirens. I don't hear the sirens. We were just fucking with him. We didn't, we didn't hear no fucking sirens. The fucking sirens. Not yet. He kept, he kept saying there were rats in the, in the trees by his house. There are rats in the trees.

You see them and sure need to do acid show. The big, what's that? The big squirrels. Yeah, but they sleep at night. I don't see the fucking squirrels at night. You see the rats in the possums in my neighborhood. You see a couple of raccoons. I saw a fucking huge raccoon who got hit by a car in a little kingdom this week.

I had to pull over, but he was fucking dead. Now you don't want those things to bite you. So you just keep driving to mind your business. This motherfucker was huge, bro. Really? Yeah, they get big up in those hells. Those motherfuckers will fuck your world up. We got a whole family that come into our backyard all the time.

Where do you live? Yeah, in Sherman Oaks. I'm staying at Echo Park and I saw Skunk on my porch. Yeah, we get Skunks all the time in the backyard. We see him because we have a big black dog. Are they going to spray you if you just come by near him? I think they do that when they feel threatened. When they feel threatened.

Usually when they see you, Skunk will turn around and leave on its own pace. He'll take a couple of steps on his own pace. Have you ever seen a Skunk turn and spray you? It's terrible. No. It's fucking terrible. It's a terrible situation. But they turn.

When they turn, so they get this way and they spray it and they fucking start. Yeah, they get their tail up. Right. It's not good. You know, I just realized I always thought that they they use Skunk as a word for weed because it's smelly. I just realized that it actually does smell like Skunk. Strong like that, too.

I've had we, you know, when you're driving, driving around the neighborhood and you pass like a spot where a skunk sprayed, you could smell it through your car. You know what I'm talking about? When you smell Skunk, you ever drive through like your windows are up. You're like, I love that. It goes right through the goddamn car. That could probably save the world, right? That's some powerful shit.

They got to look. They got to look into Skunk piss, study that shit. They do have it. They have it. They have it at Sporting Goods. What? You go to a Sporting Good in my Skunk piss because you could do it for something to lure something.

Yeah, stay away from your campground. Something weird. I bet it cures cancer. Just a little jar. It's a little thing and you it has like a swab and you just dump it to keep the bears away. I'm not I'm not correct. I'm not a hunter or nothing like that, brother. I don't fucking know.

So you do know this thing. You're not walking around looking like Mad Max. What? You're walking around looking like fucking Taxi Drive. Oh, yeah. You know this like fucking what's this shit. I don't know, man. This movie.

See, Eddie's younger than I am. Yeah. This movie was fucking strong. This set a message. 77. Really? This was after Berkowitz. What does that stand up for yourself?

This was after like Berkowitz. Who's Berkowitz? No, no, no, no, no. Not the 44 caliber killer. That guy, I think I was a little early. I may be wrong. But this was like weird. Like a guy went in and saved his younger year old girl.

People were fucking like people were still mad about the exorcist. Like them using a young girl to put a cross in her pussy. Now they got this chick who had already been on top of it. It's one of the sacred things. What's the young chick that's in this movie? Come on, guys. She's a lesbian. Sounds so lambs.

Yeah, I'm looking. Rachel something. No, contact. Yeah, yeah. A lesbian. She had Jodie Foster. Jodie Foster. Jodie Foster's been on television since she was five.

She was on the courtship of Eddie's father's, Eddie's girlfriend. That show, I remember being a little kid. So when she crossed over a few years later, I was like, Oh, what year was the courts? Go ahead, Jodie Foster. What year was the courtship of Eddie's father? How old are you in 77? 14.

I remember going to see this in the movies and I left there a little fucked up. Like I'm not going to lie to anybody. There's a couple of movies I left going, wow, that could happen. But that movie I left there going, that's fucking dark because he played it. He was one guy in the beginning. 69 to 71. Yeah. She was already in TV, bro.

She's been on television for 50 years, Jodie Foster. Yeah. 60 fucking nine, my friend. She's been on TV for 45 fucking years. She played what's his name's girlfriend. So she was already visible, you know. So she was like America's little fucking sweetheart. That's a lot of people don't fucking remember.

And also they tossed her into this mix with the Nero shooting motherfuckers. After Godfather and now he's playing a crazy cab driver in New York. That's all they need in New York is some guy to be a fucking... How old is she on Taxi Driver? How old is she on Taxi Driver? Jodie Foster is in Taxi Driver. Jodie Foster, yes. She's the girl.

She's the hooker. So she's at least a chick. She's got up now. Why does he ask him if he has a gun right before he shoots him? How old? Jodie Foster was born in 62. So she's 53 right now. So when she shot that she was 14 or 15 or 16.

Correct the moon? No, no. Taxi Driver was 76 or probably 75, you know. Yeah. So she was how old? They're 14. 13 guys. So she was America's sweetheart.

So see, I remember this shit. Oh, he took America's sweetheart. Why he took America's sweetheart and put her as a hooker in a fucking movie. So that's why I knew it wasn't going to win. I knew it wasn't going to win an Academy Award. But he wasn't going to win something for it because he was brilliant. He took America's sweetheart. He's remember like when that fucking, that pervert, that fucking idiot,

told the black chick that ended up marrying the black guitar player. My mama said, what's her name? What? Who? What's the black guitar player? The Jewish fucking black guy. Lenny Kravitz. Lenny Kravitz married the girl from the Cosby show.

Whose daughter is a mad fucking Max? That little black girl in the fucking car? That's Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz's fucking daughter in the car with that cute little, yeah, that's what you get when everybody's fucking good looking at your family. Yeah, well, there's that much hot. They'll get people like me and Lee. And there's that much hot. How could you not get that?

When she was on, she was, that was number one family. Thursday night, when you were Mexican white black in 1980, you turned on the Cosby's. That's it. It's like somebody said to me that day, listen, I don't give a fuck who the funniest guy, because we were talking about Delia. We were at a cookout. And so many of those things where they have the food trucks on Thursday. And the kid goes, something about the wife was like, I like Delia.

And he goes, listen, in my book, I grew up on Martin. And I thought about how many people grew up on Martin? Martin? People watch that sitcom. Martin was great. He was great. Martin was one of the most underrated comedies. So this guy's like, fuck Delia and fuck this guy and fuck that guy in my world,

because I grew up on Martin. And that weekend, I went away and watched like four episodes of Martin. How was it? Fucking great. Oh, good. It still holds up until the end of time. Fucking Martin. His stand-up is amazing.

And Martin Martin's is amazing. He was so brash. He was so crazy. He was so crazy. Dog, dog. He's growing a giant X. Put it, put it. Are you so crazy Martin?

Listen, listen, forget that shit. Anything off that. I'm talking real much. Recognitioning for once. I've been with that. It's on the high. I've been with that mother. He's Jewish.

This is Auschwitz I condition. Listen, listen to me. He's been. He was the fucking host of Def Jam. That's how long I've been from the mind. That shit. When he was a young, I feel flaring on Def Jam. Nobody remembers that.

That's how him and Tori, Guy fucking Tori. Guy Tori was the Walmart. On what? On Def Jam. No way. This is the biggest. When I got into comedy, the biggest guys that were getting paid were Carlos. Guy Tori.

Fat Tuesday. You guys are too short. What? I can't reach out without the chair. Two weeks, what? The fucking thing. Help him, please. Dude, if you want to do it, you can go higher.

The biggest comics, when I first got into comedy, Money Wise was Carlos, Messiah, and. Martin Lawrence. Martin Lawrence. Martin Lawrence was getting $10,000 a night. And he was getting $10,000 an episode for Def Jam. And I thought he was fucking great. I watched that show.

I grew up on that show too. It wasn't my show growing up. I'm not gonna lie to you. I was into the honeymooners and stuff. And it came later on. I was a little older. I was a lot older than that. That came out when I was in prison and that type of fucking shit.

What happened? I have no idea. All right. What's the matter? Sit down. Everybody's walking around all fucking crazy. I got a piss. Can I do that?

No. You can do whatever you want. Leave what this is. All right. Which way is that? This way? Yeah. Oh, wait.

I got to give you my keys. You're always filming here. It's a little off. It's the only way you can steal the toilet paper. I go out and then do what? Left. It's immediately just there. What's the story, Ari?

How are you feeling? This is brought to you by... I'm good. Oh, wait. Everything's all right. You're feeling good. Those are funny comedies. Except that dumb and dumb.

Why are you gonna put that movie in? I just want... Yeah. That movie always depressing. I get that hold up. That was goofy. How are you feeling, brother? Good to see you.

Good to have you back in town for a few nights. This fucking town is shitty without you. It's shitty without Ari. It's shitty without Ralphie around. If Ralphie's around, you know, you're gonna bump into Sushi. You know you're gonna catch Ari. He's gonna say, let's go eat some sushi. Are you gonna play some music or what?

I was, but then you guys were talking. God, God, play that motherfucker. It's Monday, baby. This is crazy. Poor people at home listening to this fucking asset talk. Thinkin' what the fuck... Do you think we look normal? Like, if people...

I'm gonna watch, like, watching this. I wonder what it looks like. Who the fuck cares? I'm not watching. You don't see me with 3D glasses on. And me, who'll leave you to learn? Nice. That mystery love company.

Where's this? This is Tony Bennett. Tony Bennett. He wants to be around. Always. So you're going to Australia? Yeah. Then you come back and where you going?

You doing some more dates when you come back from Australia? Calgary. Calgary. And then, that's it for the year. I'm gonna do a few other dates. I'm gonna do a few of Boston. Boston, you're doing a weekend? Dallas, Dallas, I'm going back to Dallas.

So you're doing Dallas-Houston, aren't you? Dallas-Houston, for some festival. Which one? A festival, a music festival in Houston. And then you're doing New Years with us. Yeah. Honey, honey. The Wilter.

Me, you, and Duncan. That'd be fun. The great motherfuckin' Trussini and shit. Trussini and shit? Yeah, no, I had a... I had a... I was telling you on the fuckin' way over here. You know, you...

When I saw you Tuesday night, the first thing you said to me was something about fuckin' insurance. You were pissed off about after insurance. How they fuckin' weren't returning your calls. Oh, that's so fuckin' terrible. So you put the kiss of death on me. I wake up Wednesday morning, my ears feel shitty. I fuckin' went to swim and then I flew.

Which is never good. I could swim all I want. When you swim and fly right away. And I forgot all about it till I did it. I go, motherfuckin' on the plane. So my ears swole up a little bit Wednesday. I said, I'll see how it is tomorrow. I put those swimmer's drops in dick.

Thursday, I get locked up on me. There was some pus outside in the morning. I call fuckin' doctor, whatever. We'll call you back. I call back like at two and let him go, oh, he's out of the country. You tell me now, he's out of the fuckin' country. So can you tell him to prescribe earwax, whatever the fuck.

And the pills, the antibiotic. She goes, we'll get back to you. That was fuckin' Thursday at 3.30 in the afternoon. What? So sad. They don't value your business at all. Can you fuckin' believe these people? They got no, no, no, nothing.

These people have no honorable nothing anymore. It's doctors, whatever. Friday I wake up. Don't care all your need. Friday I wake up, I call my family doctor, who I love to death. Nice Jewish guy. I've been with him since the jump.

Nobody cares anymore. I took my phone with me until the gym even. That's how much I wanted to get this fuckin' call. Yeah. I'm sittin' there, I'm on a call with somebody else. He always calls me from Bob Hope Medical. 549, whatever the fuck the number. It's 323549.

He tricked me this time. Why? He caught me from an 818 number, and I was in the phone with my fuckin' friend from Jersey, and he lit me a message. You know what that means? You're not gonna get a hold of him. So he's like, I don't know what to tell you.

Go back to the fuckin' doctor. So I had to go back to the fuckin' doctor yesterday, and put the drops in my ears. I'm sittin' there last night. My ears are throbbing, guys. Throbbing, it hurts so bad. And I remember that old vicar that I had in my bag. I had a vicar in there from like four years ago.

They don't even make vicar no more. It was expired. But I had to take a chance, bro. Fuck a leave. A leave only does so much. This was pain, Jack. I took that vicar, and I put those electrodes in my ear, the 10 machine.

I put it on for like 10 minutes. You put it in? No, I put the fuckin' electrodes right in my fuckin' face over here on my wrist. I did a combo of the fuckin' things. You got from Amazon, the 10s. They released fuckin' everything. Arthritis, you put them on your fuckin' thing,

and you zap yourself. What is it? And I bring it on the road with me. If I do something and my knees twisted, I bring it on the road to reduce the sweat. What is it, what is it? Some 10s machine. Next time you come, I don't know what the fuck it is.

What's with the questions? Somebody told me to buy it, and I fuckin' bought it online on Amazon. I still got it. What do you do? It comes with pads on it. It's like a fuckin' whatever. It has six different settings.

Yeah. You could do like an acupuncture, and it gives you like electrical things. Yeah, remember when you went to fuckin' doctor for the rehab of your knee? Yeah. Don't take the electrodes on your knees. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Same fuckin' thing. Eastam. Same fuckin' thing. You could buy those online. So when I went to therapy, the lady goes, you know, you could buy these. The Russian lady goes, go down. Those sound good.

Fuck, yeah, they put the ice on us at the same time. They shoot you as over the goo? What do you think you're dealing with here? Some fuckin' novice? Went right through there, bro. What's with the question? What are you doing over there? What are you doing?

Look at the fuckin' delivery services? The who? Look at the Yankee stats. 1927 at present. Ustream's goin' down again? It's good, yeah. Fuck Ustream. They're always doin' their brownie.

The Feds probably shut them down. What do you think? They're spraying the clouds right now over this motherfucker, Eddie Bravo. Look at Eddie Bravo's new fuckin' tapper. Can you turn the Wi-Fi off on your phone already? What? Can you turn the Wi-Fi off on whatever that was?

Why? What's the problem? Why? Because I'm trying to make sure the things will be okay. Look at the shape of you. You're not gonna get a little purple shirt. What's that half a sandwich my wife made you? Yeah, what's that half a sandwich?

I have no idea. What was that fuckin' thing? It's probably in the car. You guys eat on that shit? No, but sometimes you have to eat to tame the tiger a little bit, you know what I'm sayin'? You gotta do some things sometimes that you don't wanna do, you know what I'm sayin'?

What were you texting, Cutscene? He told me to turn the Wi-Fi off. Jesus Christ, I got no Wi-Fi on my phone. I could eat with some pictures. Had a picture I wanted to send to two people for anything. I couldn't send the picture. What's up with you? Everything all right?

Everything's good. Oh, this is great. How you feelin', dawg? Solid. You wanna turn the lights off and put on? Yeah, the light's too bright. Is that what you think? Yeah, I think so.

Turn them off. They're right there. Just turn them off. What do you think? They're down. Oh, yeah. Ah, that's what you fuckin' need me with. Who you texting?

No, okay. Who you texting already? I'm trying to make it brighter. Is Paula watchin'? Probably not, hopefully. Hopefully, the fuckin' thing. Now, what's goin' on with you, Eddie Bravo? The World Time Planet.

When is the next EBI? December? Next EBI, EBI 5, is Sunday, December 13th. Oh, it's close. Downtown LA at the Orphan once again. Beautiful theater. It's a great place to see a show. And this time, we're doin' the one 16-man bracket,

the lightweights. Danny Prokopos is the champion. We got Eddie Cummings, who is our featherweight champion, movin' up in the weight, and tryin' to take that lightweight belt as well. How's Danny doing? Danny's doin' great. Yeah?

He's doin' great, trainin' his ass off. Hell yeah. What's he do now? He has his, you know, he runs 10th Planet San Francisco. Oh, cool. And, you know, he's a very busy man when it comes to jiu-jitsu. I mean, he's always trainin', always teachin'.

He's, uh... You think how many schools have popped around the area? Yeah. You know? Thank God, Eddie has a great system. But how many fuckin' people? Every fuckin' day I hear somebody opening up a new fuckin' school.

It's like hotcakes, man. So you're out there fightin' every fuckin' day. The lepers are at your door. What? You're tryin' to keep a fuckin' day to school open. It's like in Houston. You're tryin' to charge this. This guy wants to charge this.

He's beatin' you up by 40 bucks. People sign up, then they steal your identity and sell it to the Brazilians. Then you gotta start from scratch. Now you're back on an American school. You know how the fuckin' thing goes. One minute you fuckin' buy the year subscription to a jiu-jitsu school.

The next thing you know, you're buyin' an asai bowl in Rio de Janeiro. You don't even have a fuckin' passport. What the fuck is goin' on here? Joey, gimme a phone. Why, I ain't puttin' the lights on. Leave the light on. This ain't no fuckin' yes concert, cocksucker.

Right away, we want to put lights on. Like, this is Led Zef on a concert. Turn the lights off. The fuck is wrong with you? We got a candle. That's it. Okay. Boy, you can just leave your phone on

with the light up and just put it on the desk. Who gives a fuck about that? Listen, we got no U-Stream. We might as well do this. No, we got it. We got it now. All right, then what the fuck, people? You with us?

You got night vision on these cameras? We got night vision on these motherfuckers. I'm sorry, people. We can't spark up a number in here. We just can't tap out this way. We like this place. It's nice and family. We can go outside and smoke a number in the darkness.

We can periscope, mid-podcast periscope. We can podcast periscope. Play that song. Which one? What's that? What the fuck is that? I need more information. I need some vocals.

You need some guitar. Anybody on Twitter know what that song is? Yeah, just like that. Guess the fuck? That's God. All of a sudden, it's Jeopardy. What's going on? They probably talk to me.

Fuck an hour. He's passed out. He's over here thinking about Saigon. And look at him. Lisa, that's got his purple shirt on. Giggling up the storm. Put the light back on. Now we're going to fucking fall asleep here.

He's going to put the light on. I'm getting scared. That shit scares the shit out of me dog at night. You're scared too? Sometimes I'm going to leave the fucking house, dog. That's what my paranoia is. That's what I'm all about. On Halloween?

Halloween's the least of my problems. I'm talking about seven nights a week from the morning when you're snorting an eight ball and you're looking for a coke rock under your carpet. And the DEA is watching. Halloween can suck my dick. I was in the halfway house and I would go home for furloughs and boulder.

And my wife, listen to me. You've already done that life. Listen to me. My wife was pregnant at the time. I would come home. Oh my gosh. I would come home Fridays at six. You had a pregnant wife?

Coming home for what? Listen to me in the halfway house. You don't have wows. I'd fucking come home on Fridays. I'd eat dinner with her like a normal family. She'd go to bed pregnant about nine o'clock to get the itch in my neck. I'd make the call.

The guy would deliver an eight ball. I'd put a leash on the dog and make believe I was taking the dog for a walk like a 12 pack of course. And I'd hide each hand in the fucking snow. You know how we do it, dog? I'd hide each hand in the fucking snow. You know what?

I'd go to a liquor store and I'd buy 12 cans of course. Okay. And you'd hide them back. And I'd take each can out of the wrap room and put them into the snow on this side. So I knew I had drank them already, right? Yeah.

I'd do a couple of bumps and I'd go back in the house and she'd fall asleep. I'd do two or three lines. I'd watch a porno and I'd let the dog out to pee. And then I'd take a beer, crack it open and drink it real fast and hide the beer. I would do this all night.

I would get so thirsty. I would have to let the dog out to pee. You know what it is? When your ninth beer, when your paranoia is fucked and you want a dog, you have no idea what it's like to open up your front door.

You have no idea what paranoia is when you think the DEA is waiting on the other end. And then one weekend I did so much coke I wouldn't even let the dog out to pee. He sat by the door. You could see the pee drippling out of his fucking ears before I opened up that door.

Two days I didn't open up that fucking door. What? Two days in the husband. He finally peed in the hallway. He broke down and he shit and I had to pick it up the next day. But I wouldn't open that door. It was so fucking paranoid.

Really? Yeah. He left him out there? He left his dog out there? No, no. I let him back in the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there was one point

I wasn't opening up the door no more. Either you're in or you're out, cock sucker. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And once you go out, there ain't no coming back in. So get back in because you're going to drive me crazy all fucking night.

What the fuck are you giggling about? Nobody even said nothing. Who are you talking about? We don't talk about nothing. Just look at the screen. Make believe you're looking for Martians. Matt Damon. What the fuck are you looking for?

Play Adventure Time. Oh, and it was a song that we opened the podcast with. It's a song that Ari was singing. What? Who is it? Black Sabbath. Oh, really?

Yeah, it's Hand of Doom. It's what we started with. That's where it is. Look at the fuck. What time is your spot at the store? So I don't know. Who goes the fuck? I'm going to call them and tell them,

listen, don't wait on Ari. Tell them don't wait on Ari. It's over. So what are you thinking, guys? I never mind. I thought people would be jumping out windows by now. Nobody's doing that.

I want to jump out of a window. I'm sure you do. You have a fucking cake. Play some music. Okay. Yeah, play some music. Put that fucking... What?

Don't matter on this. What is this? A party? I'm going to put this fucking... He shows up with a jukebox. You said... His mother bought him fucking when he was 12. I can't believe you bought that out of a place.

It's stupid. Except if you got it. It's desktop speed. It's desktop speed. Players. How old are these fucking things? I don't know. Like four years old.

You can't just play anything on your computer? I know. I can, but we didn't want to get taken off of YouTube. Fuck it. What the fuck? What do you want to play? What do you want to play? I say no goddamn music podcast.

I'm trying to talk to Ari and Eddie Brown. Well, they got to step up to the pump. Get up, guys. So I can stand straight. Wake up. We're talking. Where's that half a sandwich? Wake him up.

That's in my car. Jesus Christ. The whole... What's that? What's that? What's what? What's that? What?

You have a piece of acid? Yeah. We ate it. I don't know. When did that happen? 10 minutes ago. You didn't even see it go down. That's how smooth I am.

He's so smooth. Nobody saw it. Check your bottle caps. You thought Cosby went to work. Check your bottle caps. Look at Eddie. Look at him at his border. What are you talking about?

I can't teach an on-ball when I'm doing acid. Yes, you can. Cock sucker. What's the matter, dawg? Look at the shape of your head. Your head's purple. You got blotches. You got to sit up straight.

I'm fine. Nobody wants to chit a channel? That's it. You want to go outside and stand outside and get some air? Empowering scoping? And look at people on the street? Let's go look at people on the street. We stand out there long enough.

We might see a hooker. Like a white hooker walk by. Really? They got hookers out here? Up deep. They walk weird. What? They lurk.

They make believe they're going down. What do you mean they lurk? Hooker's loving an up bird. Oh, I always see my grocery stores around here. Yeah. Cock suckers loving an up bird. Out here? Around here, huh?

That was one the odd-down Lancashin. Is this the odd-down Lancashin? Is this the odd-down Lancashin? Yeah, that was one the odd-down Lancashin that had a black dress on the black one. That was beautiful. Yeah. You could see she wasn't fucking around.

She was going for dollars. I was watching from the light. I was just watching. I go, oh, look at this freak. She's got the wig on. She got the whole thing. So how come she doesn't get arrested everywhere? Because she's doing it right.

She's probably got something under her arm. She's looking for something in the neighborhood. But she's mingling. We see them all the time. We used to see the black one. They used to walk around fucking in the riverside all the time. With a blonde hair? With a blonde hair for years.

Ten in the morning. Ten in the morning. She'd walk around the YMCA. You'd see it. I'd see it. I'd be at the park fucking walking the baby in the carriage. I used to live on Sherman Way in Sepulveda and that's where they hang out.

Well, that's the headquarters. And I'd go back at night like at two in the morning and just be out. No, I'm talking studio city on those little streets. You see them? They're out there. They're just lurking low key and shit. They hang out by Whole Foods.

How do you know they're hookers? Because I saw the black girl working at one day. And then I saw her back. Did she make an eye contact with her? No, she didn't make eye contact with me. She was, I saw how she got another guy, an older guy to lure her at Whole Foods. You know, you just get something to eat

and you park in your car and you sit there for a few minutes and you eat it. And he's just looking to the parking lot. You're not looking. You're just looking at the parking lot, bro. That's what you're there. You're just looking. And I saw her come in.

I saw her walk in, walk out. And she went to the driveway. The guy got in his car with his groceries, picked her up and took her. What? And then I started seeing her more and more. And then that was right by Whole Foods. They do a rouse all the time.

No, no. What's the one by the fucking? What's the white one by Laura Kagan? Trader Joe's. Maybe it's a hot place. Just public place. Whole Foods and Trader Joe's. The hot one by Riverside.

What's down the block from the Camarie ETC? Yeah. Why Whole Foods? That's Whole Foods. Whole Foods is a block. Chick that hangs out there because that's her cover. She's going there to buy something. And she walks in that parking lot.

A little old guy comes out of the season wants his dick sucked. And she looks, guys, she can't do that if she's ratty in Studio City. Oh, right. She's got to look good. She looks like... She gets offered.

So she goes around there getting offers. 7, 8. She looks like the black girl from the movies, from Catwoman. Halle Berry. Halle Berry. Wait, and she's like hot and she's going to supermarket parking lots

of the rich? Dresses. Yep. That's how she does. I've seen her a million times. I think we go. And wait for the hit owner. Gelsons.

Fucking Gelsons. Wait, wait. Gelsons. Is she Ethiopian? No, she's black. I've never really had a conversation with her. But I've waved at her. She's waved at me.

She knows that I know, that she knows, that I know, that she's a hooker. Okay. We used to sit there and drink coffee and she walked by every day. And after a while... She's just as up in hopes to meet Mr. Starbucks guy.

Listen, what the fuck? She's walking on Riverside and Laurel Canyon. You're not going to see crack people walking up there. So what she does is she walks down Riverside. She sees you by Laurel Canyon. She walks down to Riverside and by the time she gets to Colfax or that following fucking street,

you pick her up. Oh. Oh my God, what a surprise. And then she'll ask you whatever the fuck they ask you. You know whatever the fuck it is that they do. You want to suck my dick, whatever the fuck they want to do. I never did it like this in the bushes.

No, no normal people do it like that. It's crazy how there's this one chick that does it right here in the valley. That's insane. And I saw her for a long time in the mornings. My wife saw her. My wife saw her. My wife knew what she looked like.

Then there's another thick black one that I tormented from 7-11. That one that I tormented. She wouldn't even talk to me no more. Because I used to tell her to wait for me on the corner. I'm going to go and shove it up your ass and put jelly on it. And she called me all night.

Where are you? I'll be right there. I'm on the corner. This one, I met her at the ha-ha. I met this one at the ha-ha. She was the ha-ha one night. Hi, how are you? I'm a comedian.

No shit. Nice to meet you. Okay. Two weeks later. How are you? Nice to meet you. She was another chick. I thought that was kind of weird.

They're both comedians. I have no comedians. But then again, maybe I don't. I'm not on site. That time I wasn't hanging around on Sunset Boulevard. I didn't know the comedy store. And the third time, she goes, I'm booking a room in Chamego, California.

Can I text you? Whatever. Can I call you? I go, she called me with the info. I never fucking even remembered her name, guy. Never remembered her name. And then around the holidays. This is when my wife was either really pregnant

or just had the baby. Like, I was in shock. And then one day, my phone rang. And she's like, I don't know if you remember me. Not really. And she was like, this is my name. I want to know if you could help me with comedy. And after a few minutes, you know,

when you talk to somebody you remember, I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, I remember you. And she's like, if you could help me, you know what I mean? I was just starting to go on the road. I go, listen, I'm on the road. I just had the baby. I don't know if I could go on to that.

Okay. That's it. She left it at that. I didn't hear from her again. Then I get a call from her, bro. Typical hook of shit. She's in a bind. One good question.

Did you put it in this? No. She's in a bind. Somebody, somebody. Transmission just blew up. No, what was it? Somebody stole her call. How should I know your number?

Because I met her at the fucking house. I thought she was a regular black chick. Yeah. I thought she was a race. When somebody tells you they're in comic and they're going to book a room, you don't want to be fucking rude. You think that you're going to give me a number

and they're never going to call you again. They're going to text you. You're going to be out of town. And that's it. I didn't fucking take nothing of it. She was a cute girl. She got a cute fucking little Chinese girl, whatever. But I felt something weird.

One night, this fucking, when I first met him, we met some girl. He left with her and he came back 10 minutes later that she wanted him to suck his dick. Bro, you don't know who you bump into in North Hollywood. There's dick suckers out there. Who the fuck knows? I go back to my...

I never think about this shit. What do you mean there's dick suckers out there? There's dick suckers out there. All I was in the night. He don't fucking know what they want. So she calls me one night. You know when somebody calls you Eddie and they want something from you?

But they won't tell you. Like Eddie, I want to train for a month for free. I don't have the money. They're waiting for you to ask them. Then they call you again. And you know they want something. What is it, bro? Well, this happened for like three times in 10 days.

What are you doing coming again? You know, like when you're busy and you're doing something, your phone rings and you recognize the number, but you don't. And you go, let me pick it up. And you pick it up and it's like, hi, it's Clemel. What the fuck her name was? Are you doing the set anywhere?

It's like, ah, you know what? I don't know. Can I call you back, Clemel? And then you hang up the phone. That was it, guys. One night I got to call all that. A car broke down. If I remember her.

No, I don't. And she goes, my car broke down. I need money for something. I'm a DJ. She hit me with the DJ story first. And I came right back. I go, listen, I got a fucking baby. I can't, I'm in no position to whatever.

I can't help you. I'm like, okay, sorry to bother you. And it was too easy. Somebody who really needed $300 would have fucking worked me for it. Yeah. Then like a week later, she called again. What?

And she said, I got out of the bail. Thank you anyway. Good luck with your family or whatever the fuck. And that was it. And then I don't even know. All the time one day she just called and I go, listen, man. What the fuck is your problem? What do you want?

Yeah, like what is it? It's one in the fucking morning. Because she switched numbers. So she started calling me with a New York city number. You know that weird number from New York? It's 925. Something, something fucking different. So I see New York.

I think it's one of my buddies banked two in the morning. It's fucking Kamequa. I want to know. And I asked the one that I said, what the fuck is your problem? And she goes, well, sometimes I turn tricks. You know, I'm 23 and I'm like, oh, I fucking knew it. I shouldn't. I just connected this seven months later.

I'm 50. I don't, you know, I don't have that one. I'm 20. I would have banged her already and stabbed her and fucking left her in the desert. But now you know what I'm saying? Like you look at it and you go, yeah, whatever. And then I would see her around town. I'd see her at the 7-Eleven.

And then I told her, what are you fucking crazy? And then me and her bumped into her one night. We were getting something at 7-Eleven. And she's like, oh, where you been? And I started talking to her. I got in the car. I go, Lee, that's the hooker. So she called me again like an hour later.

Were you doing anything? I go, you know what, let's finally do this. You know that Gemma on Lancashire? Meet me right there. Shave your little black pussy. Put a blonde wig on. I just told her a thousand things. And I said, go there.

You know when you get high and you forget about somebody? Then the phone rings an hour later. Like, where the fuck are you, motherfucker? She called me back and I'm like, what? I ain't picking you up. I just hung up the fucking phone. Never heard from her again. Like when Katie calls you?

Guess what? She ain't not right now, right? Like six months, like six weeks later, she calls me again one night. Yeah. Hey, baby, I want to know if you're lonely. Who's this? She meek with whatever.

I want to know if you're lonely. I said, you know what I am? Meet me on the corner by the jet plane. And she's like, okay, what are you out there wearing? And I fucking torment her. Put heels on, shave your pussy, do this. Wash your ass. So, okay, baby, okay, baby.

An hour later, where the fuck are you? This went on like every six weeks for like two months. It was hilarious. She finally gave up on me. And one night me, Steve Simona, reading out that fucking, and I was like, okay, okay. She just passed.

She didn't want to leave her out there. I used to slay her the whole time. I was just tormenting her like Bobby Slate. I'll be out there in 25 minutes. I'll be out there in 25 minutes. Wait by the statue. Dog, I used to torment Bobby Slate. It was the best work.

Let's call him up. We can't call him up now. Because now he knows I don't get high. Huh? What'd you do? I would fucking like, he'd call me, give me 200 bucks, and he'd say, put the coke under the statue.

And I'd put like, the statue with nothing under there, like an empty envelope. I'd just fuck with. Yeah, he'd call him. What happened to it? I don't know, I left it there. Yeah, there's an envelope, but it's empty. I don't know what the fuck to tell you.

Don't say this to me. Maybe my kid stole it. Maybe your kid stole it. I don't fucking know. Go check with him. Call me back. I ain't got time for this shit. I would torment him.

And then I learned what cities he was in. Okay, and I would call him up on Thursday night, and I'd go, you got anything? Do you need anything? And he'd go, why? You got a connection? Yeah. I know, I know big people.

I didn't know nobody had it. I knew nobody. He'd be like an Indiana. That's right. He'd be like. He thinks he's getting drugs. He changed the blue light. He's waiting for it.

He's like, oh my God. How long before he gets stuck? Two years until he finally one day realized I wasn't coming through. I worked with him once, probably in Montreal the whole time. He kept going like, all right. I was already been ducking out early.

He was just doing love. That's why he ducked out early. So he had to watch him. He's got it all. Oh my God. And left him a mouth he got. So I would call him like on a Thursday. He gained trust with me.

I took him out. Just for fun, by yourself. You know me, dog. I'm the mind of a devil. There's only one guy who ever bought into me right along when they called me up. He was so chosen all the time. He listened to me.

A black comic in Seattle pulled me aside one day. And he goes, you should change your business card from comedian to professional torturer. He goes, because that's what you are. Because he had a kid that used to steal his jokes. Count Hopkins III was a black, black, black guy with a pink tongue. You know those black people that when they're on stage,

all you see is a pink tongue. He was black Count Hopkins. He would do Rod Long's jokes, but not really. Like what? He wouldn't do his jokes, but not really. Like let's say Rod Long say, yeah, I'm sitting on a pier. And I would say, I would see Count Hopkins do. I'm sitting on a pier.

We would get right on the phone and call Rod Long. And go, Rod Long, he's doing your sit on a pier joke. Know that Negro is it? Yes, he is. I'll be right down at Joe Diaz. He's the only black guy that called me Joe. Oh my God. He's showing up at the club, Joe Diaz.

He used to call him a joke buck in here. Where's that joke buck? Where's that joke buck in here? Joe Diaz. What country was he from? He was from Seattle. A little light-skinned black dude that I loved. Oh, he wasn't?

How could he? Rod Long. Good fucking dude. Good dude. Lahai was up there too at the time. We used to talk. The butcher man liked to party. So Bobby Slain, we're back to Bobby Slain.

So I find that Bobby Slain was a fiend like me. Oh yeah. So I hooked him with El Compadre. So he would call me. Ah, El Compadre. I went down at a bass player. Don't worry about nothing. I hooked him up with the Armenian.

Next thing you know, he's having barbecues with the Armenians. Tremendous. He's loving the Armenian. They're over the house. The wife's getting worried. So he would go on the road. And he would, I would call him on Thursdays in the afternoon.

I'd say, do you have anything? And he'd go, just a little bit. Why, you know somebody? What the fuck do you think you're dealing with? I know everybody. I'd go, where you at? And he'd tell me, I'm in St. Louis, the Hotel Eddie Bravo. I'd go, all right.

I'll call you in 10 minutes. I'd hang up with him. I'd call the hotel back. I'd go, how you doing? Is there any landmarks close to your hotel? And they'd go, yeah, like a mile down. There's like a horse in a buggy stand where Abe Lincoln stood. Perfect.

And I would call him back and go, listen, I just spoke to the fucking Colombian. What's his name? Don't matter. His name is the Colombian. He's in a meet-over down the corner. And I break the address down to him. Where exactly?

Where, this is before the internet, guys. I don't know nothing about the fucking internet. And just, are you just sitting in a hotel in a random city by yourself? I'm in a random city down in 411, giggling to myself, calling information, calling comedy clubs, calling hotels. Once I know the club, you're doomed.

Once I know the club and I know the people at the bar, I'll doom you. Because I know that I would put them on people who didn't do anything with drugs. Yeah. And I'd say, go to the bar and wave at the Chinese guy and blink your nose. And he would do that and say,

the fucking guy ain't saying nothing back to me. I owned him, Eddie Bravo. I owned him. You didn't specifically send him to, but for nothing. But for nothing. The guy's wearing getting high. I would go over and scratch your nose twice. They'll give you the package.

I went over and scratched my nose. He didn't give me nothing. I'm back in my room. You're fucked up. You got nothing tonight. So I would find out and I'd call him back and go, okay, you meet Eddie. All right.

You're going to meet him over by the statue. How long? 30 minutes. And he'd go, you know what's going on? I don't give a fuck. You got to meet him outside. I'd put him out there in the fucking snow in Cincinnati, Ohio in the dead of the winter

on a Friday night. So he's going to get his fix? To go get fucking, to go get his fix. He'd be calling me 45 minutes later. He's not coming. He's not coming. Where are you? Go to the thing and wave your...

So long. Now we're telling him to wave his arms. To a trick. Then I'd hang up the phone and not answer the phone the rest of the night. He'd call the house 80 times. This is before cell phones. He'd call the house 80 times.

Where are you? Pick it up, you're fucked. Chino never showed. There was no Chino. I just told him that. I just made up the fucking name in my head. Poor Bobby, though. Finally he called on.

He was like, I can't take him no more. He's never gonna miss a single lead. He's not the one to let me do some fucking coke. He took him up a couple times. He what? The Armenian. I mean... Yeah, good boy.

Good boy. You're right. Yeah, he's got the wins. That's why you gotta give him some. You can't win him off the whole fucking time. Every fourth one, you give it to him. You gotta give him fucking something, you know. I used to...

I was telling these guys a while ago, I used to shake this Chinese restaurant. The first-walk Chinese restaurant. What happened was, I got turned on to Ron. Ron was like a player. He bought neon from my friend. He had this big lounge. So one day I went to Ron.

I go, Ron, let's do a comedy show. This is 94th dog. I had eight minutes of comedy. And he goes, well, what budget? I go, give me three bills. I'll pay the headliner, 100. The other guy, 50. And I'll keep the rest, right?

We do the show. This guy makes $3,000 at the bar. Oh, really? Eddie. He's never made more than 200 at the bar. Selling my ties and shit. This guy kept calling me Joey. When we do it again?

When we do it again? So now, you know me and my cocaine line. Every time I see him, I just make up a name. We want to see Richard Pryor. Yeah, we see Richard Pryor. Give me 300. Let me call his manager right now. I gotta be next Friday.

And he'll do it. Really? She was shut. And dog, I did this to this guy for six to seven months. Every week I see him and I go, give me 300. Bill Cosby's coming. Well, Richard Pryor, no, come. What happened to Richard Pryor?

Listen, Richard Pryor came, but you weren't here. Remember when you went to New Jersey for the, yeah, he was here, he was, no, nobody tell me. Oh, I had this guy, I was playing him like a fucking fiddle talk. I was having a great time with this guy until one day he finally goes, nobody's gonna fucking show up.

And he finally goes, I ain't giving you no more fuck. How great would Chinese would be? Right now? Yeah. If they delivered. I love those rooms. All this Mexican's got it too. The what?

Free margaritas, all you can eat. Where? Whatever the rooms were. In a Felipe's room? Yeah. Those guys. Felipe's rooms, yeah. He's like your ass off and make like 25, 50 bucks.

Years ago. Yeah, they were great. Get loaded. They give you little tacos at the bottom. I go down, they give you 40 bucks. They're junk Mexican girls. I didn't know how to appreciate it back then. No, I would, it was too much for me.

I would go down and just bomb on principle. But those rooms were fun, man. It's better than just sitting at the store waiting for spots at night. Some nights you gotta fucking go down there and don't even laugh at you. They didn't want us, no fucking white people. That one room changed names so many fucking times.

The brave bull? No, that was Rudy Moreno's room. The one Felipe had with Willie, where they got shot at. Oh, what? Somebody threw a knife at somebody. That's your magic that got chased. My arms got chased.

They jumped him over a fence. Yeah, they didn't like fake Mexicans down there, and nothing, those were. What? Why would you go to a comedy there? Because it's 50 bucks on a Wednesday. Yeah, you have to, I guess. But no, it's pretty good though.

It's like a real, usually it's a good show. There were good shows. Did somebody drive you out there? Depending on who was hosting. Yeah. You know, those shows were great. Jeff Garcia was there a lot. If you were the first three comics

to go up in those bar-ass shows, he was great, anything after that. They're fucking hammered. The lake is lost. And Willie Barcena. Willie Barcena would do an hour and a half, though, in those fucking things. That was the first I ever saw that he would be like,

hey, you might have seen Carlos Mancilla do this joke, but it's my joke, so I can do it, no? I can do it. And then he was like, go ahead and let me do this joke. Though he would go up on stage and tour many follows, Mancilla, and then he would talk about everybody. Oh my God, he'd talk about everybody.

On stage. And then he'd smack you. It was great. He'd smack a couple people down there. He broke somebody's nose and shit. He got banned from the laugh factory. He broke somebody's nose at the laugh factory. No way, really?

Yeah, you can't step in the laugh factory, Willie. The comedy store either. Mitchie banned them at the comedy store. What's the matter? There's not many awards, unless I'm a fucking octopus. What happened to that head? I don't know what happened to it.

It's gone. I told you, me and Eddie ate it. Eddie, what's wrong with your feet? You're worse than me, cock sucker. You're looking good, Eddie. You're like Gollum. 42 years old, look at you. 45.

45, looking smooth. You're looking like Metallic when they came back from rehab. Remember they were all clean. Reload. How bad was Metallica thought? 20 years ago. First time I heard that shit,

I didn't even know what the fuck I was listening to. They cut the hair, they had a country song on that album, it's called Load. What? And the single was Until It Sleeps. But they got the same shit for the album before, the black album, everyone thought they sold out.

When the black album came out, when people heard, I'll never forget my friend James telling me he heard the new Metallica song, which was Enter Sandman. Yeah. And if you're, I like the older Metallica, I was young, I was like 18, 19. The older Fast Metallica?

James goes, dude, it sounds like fucking AC DC. And I'm like, no, no, Metallica sounds like AC DC now. And he goes, yes, oh my God. And then you hear that Sandman do-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro. Like it is like AC fucking DC. Never was into that song. But the black album does have some great shit.

Like Sad But True, I gave up. Once I heard Enter Sandman, I'm like, fuck Metallica, I was done. I was done. I'm a Sad But True type of guy. Yeah. But Unforgiven ended up growing on me and that's a classic.

And nothing else matters, that's a ballad, but it's a classic. But I remember being at FM Station here in the valley to see a Kiss Cover band. And in between bands, they play music and they played Sad But True. And I was right by the fucking PA and they had so great. I thought, holy shit, this motherfucking song is good.

Come on, Sad But True. No, I'm with you. You can't deny that. How's that going? How's Sad But True? Start up in the beginning, start up in the beginning. That's a fucking jam. I gave up on that album, that song pulled me back in.

That's on the set. Oh, shit. I gotta go back in. Yeah, let's go. This is deep, though. This is one of the best. Yeah. I love this jam.

Monday mornings is one of my favorite jams to play. There you go. Break this motherfucker, Lee. It's a church of what's happened now. Talks about this Sunday night. Christopher Columbus, Sad Motherfucker. One, two, Eddie Bravo on the mic. How he should fear Gingwin.

Yo. I'm drooling. Wait, that's it? Here we go. There you go. Oh, all right. I got it. Oh, yeah, I remember this.

Come on. That's heavy as fuck. Here we go, people. It's starting right now. Here we go now. Hit it, Joe. It pulled you back in. It pulled you back in.

Hey, hey, I'm your life. I'm no one who takes you there. The chorus is strong as fuck. Turn the light on. Here we go. Turn this fucking crank that shit. Pilot to Bombardier. Pilot to Bombardier.

Oh, shit. Hit it, Joe. I'm your dream. Make you real. I'm your eyes when you are still. I'm your pain when you can't feel. Were you texting me, you say? OK.

Periscope. You were fucking periscope. I got you. I'm your eyes while you're away. I'm your pain. You know I'm safe but true. Huh. Safe but true.

He's better than you, huh? Oh. One of these other stars that you do. You do what they're not, but here they are. Safe. Oh. Huh. You.

You're my mask. You're the one who's blamed. Do. Do my work. Do my dirty works. Go. Do. Do my deeds.

But you're the one who's shamed. I'm your dream. Make you real. I'm your eyes when you are still. I'm your pain when you can't feel. Safe but true. I'm your dream. Mind your strength.

I'm your eyes while you're away. I'm going to give some shout-outs. Keep the music playing. Knocks up. Oh, shit. You know it's safe but true. Michael Marcy. Sierra Realty.

Tommy P. Safe but true. David Martinez. Nick Manzaral. Adola. Whatever your fucking name is. My main man bent both his arm. Leo Costa.

Dennis Pearson over there in Boston. The girl wanted to shake those titties. Water boxer. And my main man Jordan Lee who came after the fucking. This is not happening again. Here we go. It's time to see the devil cock sucker. Oh, yeah.

Here we go. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I love you. I'm sad motherfuckin' Olympus Day. Oh, nice. Put the light back on. A Metallica moment.

That was a nice Metallica moment. What do you think? Do you order cheeseburgers? Sure. How many cheeseburgers could you eat right now, Lisa? I don't know. Want to eat another star? Sure.

I know you do, look at him. Sure. You got him hooked. He don't give a fuck, Lisa. We're already down to like 500 milligrams. How much do you eat a daily? Just those. Or do you eat most?

As much as I can? If you ate two more, three more, it would just burn through. Even if you ate two or three more, this burns right through. Bro, I have like. You don't even feel it. You don't even feel it.

Do I have it? I don't even feel. This is the acid. You don't feel it. This is, everything gets overpowered. Because he gives me fucking. I'm telling you, I'll give you two more. You burn right through it.

This is what you need in an hour to take you off the jack. Put on David Bowie, ground control to major tongue. Ground control. Let's do this motherfucker right now and shit. If we're going to go deep, let's go deep into. How do you want me to start? Oh, no, no, no. Definitely, definitely.

How are you going to come up with a twist? Like that song. Fucking flipping through the air. Yeah, I'm good. So let's start, dawg. It's time. Watch. One more to tame the animal.

Look at you. What animal? The animal inside you. Look at you. You're a fucking savage. Ground control to major tongue. Six, five. Yeah, that's a whole crazy beginning part too, right?

No, it's fucking crazy this, man. 10 seconds. 10 seconds. What time? It's still fucking early. Yeah, bro. Hey, man. 2.15 in the afternoon.

You could still go out and fucking. Do what you're doing. I appreciate you guys sitting in with just three fucking morons talking shit on a Sunday night. What else are you going to do? What is it? This is as good as it gets for you. You guys doing shows on Sunday nights now?

Is that the thing? No, no, no. Just tonight is Columbus Day tomorrow, dawg. There's no work. What the fuck? OK. People at home, they can't fucking sleep. They're sitting there with the thumb up their ass.

Oh, yeah. You know, you just got to sit around. This is it. Joey Diaz. Ground control to Major Tom. Oh, shit. Ground control to Major Tom. Ground control to Major Tom.

I don't know what that means. I thought it was the person I was looking at on Twitter and shit. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on. Put your helmet on, cod sucker. We're going deep tonight. Ground control to Major Tom. Ground control to Major Tom.

What's the story? We're going to eat this other half of the morning. We're going to sing countdown engine song. We're going to ask you to start. What do you want? Flavor. That's the worst part. You who?

I'm good. I'm fucking good. Me too. We're going to do that. Good job, helmet on. Ground control to Major Tom. Who was that? Who sings that song?

David Bowie. David Bowie. Where the fuck you been? Put it back on, Lee. What do you sound like? He's about to go off. I'll be with you. This is...

Really? Oh, no, wait, wait, wait. No. Show me. Ready? Stop the dance. I'll ask the real truth. So, Lee.

We're going to fuck around. We're going deep in. Wow. What? There's people in other countries that are wishing they had a star. Flavor Enterprises. I was sitting there fucking... He did that Starling Mad Max at the salamander.

It's so hard to get out of his mouth. And he's like... He's sucking it down. That was too low. That star was delicious. They're really delicious. You feel one another one? They're good.

This will take the end, Joe. You ready for half of one of the brown? Half of what? No, no, no. I'm good, man. I'm good. Thank you, though. Appreciate it.

My fucking ear swelling is going down a little bit. What's your ear swelling from? The bull? I fucking told you from jumping in. It's even hot right now. It's fucking on fire. Really? Last night, I took one of those four-year-old vikings.

And I fell asleep like a baby. And I got... What are you eating over there, Lee? Are you still eating that fucking salamander? It's not even whether or not you want to go down with it. Try to spit it back out. We don't give a fuck about bull talk. Lee's a soldier.

I have a choice. It just takes our arguments away. What do you think this is? Can I have this Castro here? You got choices? Yeah, bro. It takes like 30 minutes if I wanted to say no. And then I feel bad.

And then they go on Twitter. What do you say? You... He said give more stars. He said give more stars, that's what he said. Where's Ground Control and Major Tom? What happened? Ground Control.

What happened to Major Tom? What was that about? What? That song. Put it on from the beginning. We'll break it down here. It's gotta be about drugs. Yeah, Lee, put it on.

Space is always used as a metaphor for drugs. Which ones? It could be about... You know what? It might be about nothing. There's some singers that write about nothing. They're just putting cool phrases together and it's really about nothing. And I think David Bowie might be one of those guys.

Ground Control to Major Tom. What? Just like didn't he mean anything? There's bands out there. What are you doing? There's bands out there. We're gonna talk over it. Go ahead, keep up.

It's not really about anything. And they do it on purpose. To fuck their audience? No, just to show you that it's all about the melody. It's not what you say really. That's the icing on the cake. Like that R.E.M. song? Like that R.E.M. song?

I don't know about R.E.M. You know the one where it's like... What's R.E.M. got to do with this conversation? You know what's R.E.M. It's not really like... That's R.E.M. You like it, don't you? Yeah.

So you're saying that was just about nothing. That's just saying... Eddie Broad will get in the mic, the melody. No, it could be about something, but you don't know what it's about. I don't know what it's about. No one knows what it's about. But people love it because of the melodies. It's not really if the words are making sense.

Just the lines sound cool. And within the line, does it make sense? There's really no story to it. There's a lot of songs like that. We didn't start the fire. That's the R.E.M. song. We didn't start the fire. What is that about?

I know, nothing. It's what I'm saying. Nothing. You're just saying some stuff. Who? You're just rhyming some stuff. And he's like, Well, I love those lyrics.

I love them because, meanwhile... They're not about anything. They're just a stream of conscious. Who plays the maracas? You hear the maracas? Is it me? It happens a lot. You understand that?

And then you give them more power when you're a little fucking 14-year-old? You let them relate those phrases to their lives. And that's supposedly... In the music business, I think it's better that your audience doesn't know exactly what you're singing about. That's actually better.

So they can kind of just make up their own shit. And then, once you tell them the truth, they've grown up thinking a certain way about this song. How about lyrics that you thought they were saying? You find out they weren't saying that at all? Yeah. And that was a cool line that you gave them credit

for the lyrics, and it turns out it's a whole different line. We convinced my friend... All that means is about the vocal melody. It's not totally about the lyrics. The lyrics are great, too. Then that's a bonus, but you don't have to know what the song is about.

How many songs are like that? Think about all your songs and try to figure out if you really, really know what that song's about. How about the one with the... It's about baptism or whatever. I love that song, Cherubrock by Smashing Pumpkins. What song is that? I have no idea what it's about.

I love the song. I don't know what this song is about. I love that song. Tonight, tonight, I really don't know what... It's about tonight, tonight. What the fuck? It's about tonight, tonight. You can't be about tomorrow, tomorrow.

That's a good point. Today? It's about today. Yeah, I don't know what those songs are about. No, you don't... If you stop thinking about it, most of the songs you love, you don't know what the fuck they're about.

No, what? That's what makes them interesting. You don't know what they're about, really. But Judas Precinct, he was singing... I thought he was singing to the devil or something, at least. No, he wasn't singing to the devil. He was singing to the cock.

What? The same devil. Fuckin' outfit. Name a couple of your favorite songs. Any of them. Just the songs that you like. Um... If there's any songs.

That lends up a song where they go, You know what that song is about? No. Of course. They come from the land of the ice. Is that one of your favorite songs? Yes. Okay, give me another one of your favorite songs.

Give me another one. Give me name one of your favorite songs. Name one of your favorite songs. I'm like a magician. I bet you don't know. I bet you don't know. Most people think they know. Yeah, most people think they...

They don't realize that they don't know what these songs are about. Some of them, yes. Some of them, if you're obsessed with a band, you listen to interviews and they ask, What's the song about? And then they might say an interview. What's the song about this and that? Those songs.

There are songs out there. But you gotta hear it from the songwriter and the interviewer. If you don't hear it from him, like maybe live, that guy will introduce you a song and say, This song's about my sister. And you know how hard it was growing up? With no parents.

You know? Okay, then you remember that shit. Okay, that's that one song. But if you didn't hear him talk about it, you would never know what the song's about. A second, you're going to a hotel and some dude goes up there playing a song. This is about a song I wrote when my mama was in the house.

But who gives a fuck? Don't ruin it for me. You get two hundred a night. Just fucking play. God bless you. Play the melody. Lenny Kravitz once said that he doesn't... Or was it...

No, I think it was Seal. Seal said he doesn't want people. He doesn't want to explain. Seal. Hey, Seal's a talented motherfucker. Fuck Seal, though. Come on. Seal's down.

Come on. Lenny Kravitz, I want to listen to him. Fuck Seal doesn't want to explain. He had some good shit. Crazy song, crazy. Oh, yeah, crazy. The one that is so annoying. Yeah, but he sings it to everybody.

But... Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm sorry. Okay, the Batman song. The Batman song. He's still showing up singing that fucking song on Ellen. The Batman song sucks. But on that album, that was some good shit.

He had some good fucking shit. For pop. I'd way rather listen to Seal. The first two Seal albums and the shit that's out now. Did you get this from fucking Dr. Yet? They want you to shit an envelope? Did you get this from SAG Yet? Any problems?

This one, you know you got problems. Why did you bring this into the office? Because I just remembered. This is what I got to do with my life. This is what my life puts in the gummies. Huh? Why do we talk about lyrics? Sample deposit.

Right here, yeah. How do we get on that? I don't know. I'm just trying to tell you people that this is what happens sometimes. This is what you get in the mail now from SAG. This is the LA Burley pathology. Yeah. All right.

Don't just send you this. What is this? When you're 45 and they say you got to shit in one of these. What do you mean? What do you mean? Right here, you got to shit in this little fucking paper. Is that from SAG? Yeah, this is from SAG.

Wait, what? You think I'm fucking with you guys here. What is that for? I'm trying to drop knowledge on you motherfuckers. When you turn a certain age, you got to shit in class. The first time you have to send it to a doctor, they pay this guy like 12 an hour to analyze your shit. What? Yeah, see?

I got to send this in. Wait, what? Hold on. They send you stuff out of school? Yeah, see? I didn't shit in it yet. You shouldn't have to wait very long there. What?

Are you supposed to send it back to them? When you turn a certain age, you're going to get a call when it's right. What do you mean? Just send us stuff? Be careful. Be careful what kind of shit you put in there. Make sure it's some good, healthy shit. What do you think you're doing?

Who's sending stuff to them? I'm going to eat some fucking good Chinese food, some salads. I'm going to fuck them up. All right. You got to call from Kaiser Permanente saying, Ari Shafir, here's the deal. You got to fucking pontificate. What's another word for shit? What's the decent word for shit?

Pontificate or something like that? You got to do something to defecate and send it to us. You're like, what do you thought? I thought it was a joke. No way. No way. And my wife is like, you got that in the mail. You got to shit in the car.

What do you mean? They can't collect your feet on there. And they tell you what's going on with you. What are you talking about? You're half a Martian. What? What kind of vegetables are you eating? They're processing you.

You're a rat pit out to do that? No. What is this? Everybody does this. What is this? Have you heard of this? No. Pathology, ivory service.

Everybody. I think you might have got Jim. No. The prison psychiatrist told me I was going to get this in the mail. Wait. Fuck it. Wait, wait, wait. Collect stool for sample.

Collections instruction. Read that. Read that out loud. You think I'm fucking with you? Someone put that up? I'm going to print that up. I love you guys too much. Someday when you guys get old, you're going to see that they send you this shit.

No, wait. Is this because of prison or is this because of prison? No. It's because of fucking just being old. That's what you got to start doing when you turn fucking 40 and 50. Rap, sampling, bottle, in the dormitory. Look at this. I got emails on a Sunday night.

Weaves of music videos. I told you. I ain't fucking lying to you. Read that out loud. Read that out loud. Humiliation when you get old this shit. He's just laughing at you. What?

A million homes to disturb you. They bother you. Collect your shit. They give you this shit. Are you going to shit? I'm going to shit. I'm going to shit. I'm going to shit.

I'm going to shit. I'm going to shit. I'm going to shit. I'm going to shit. Collect your shit. They give you this shit. Are you going to shit in that? You have to.

You have no choice. Don't bother you to your shit. That fucking thing. They will call you every day. Do it on the podcast. I'm not going to shit that thing on the podcast. Who are you? It's us.

Imagine the ratings. No, no. I had a Cuban sandwich for dinner. Come on. You got to shit it on the podcast. Who wants to smoke a joint? I got nothing. Who wants your shit?

The fucking UCLA. How many times I got to tell you? OC Auto Package. Collect your fucking 45. You got to shit in the package. Answering your questions. How do they know it's your shit? What if you put like a 20-year-old shit in there?

All right. What are the risk factors for collectable cancer? Age, people with inflammatory bowel disease or Crohn's disease. A personal history of collectable cancer or collectable cancer. They're going to make you videotape it. What happened? With no edits. No cuts.

What is the collectable cancer? I don't know what the fuck they're saying in here. Get sealed. These people send you to the skate. You know, one minute you're walking down the street. You're not going to join. That's a male, Joey. That's some sort of weird scam.

What male? No. This is fucking sag. I got a call. That could be a joke. Guys, I ain't fucking with shit. They can't cut shit. I'm saying something's probably fucking with you.

They cut your fecal matters. Who does? Sagging shit. Insurance takes your shit. Yes. How do they know it's your shit? What I'm going to do is I'm going to go to the park and put a dog shit in there. Fuck with that mind.

I don't know. Yeah, exactly. When you go to the doctor and he puts his finger up your ass, they take the scrapings and they send that to the sample. You got to finger up your ass. Who do they send it to? They send it to some guy. You can tell a lot about the research.

They send it to 15 bucks an hour and he checks it. That's not enough. And every five years, listen, when you turn 50, you got to go for a colonoscopy. What? You got to drink a milkshake, pee for 16 hours and they shove a camera up your fucking ass. That's coming for all of us. That's for everybody. He's got to go.

A third of us are going to get that Terry Bradshaw disease. What, retarded? No. Which one? The one where the skin falls off. Terry Bradshaw, skin's falling off. Yeah. One of those guys, Joe Namath.

Joe Namath and Terry Bradshaw. That's leprosy. No. No. It's like leprosy, though. Is that still around leprosy? I don't fucking know. That's the worst fucking disease.

I don't know. No one can even help you. Look up this card. I'm hungry, but I don't want to eat these stars. That's one vaccine. I just eat one. You got Pringles? No, I'm saying instead of just collecting stars in your place, get some Pringles once

in a while. What fucking Pringles? Get something non-medicated to eat. Look at the size of me. I need Pringles in my fucking life for that second. I need Pringles in my life. Why insult a man? What's up, buddy?

Probably. We can take a pot. We can pause it and go on. We'll pause. There's no pause in real life. There's no pause in real life. There's no pause in real life. There's no pause in real life.

We ain't fucking around here. We ain't had any, I guess. No, I thought you wanted some of the joint. We'll figure it out. We'll walk into it. That's a t-shirt right there. That's fucking communist. What's up, Ari?

Do you want another piece of this? No. You good? Yes. Oh, my God. Look at the shape of Ari. Holy shit. It's really strong.

It's strong. It's fine. That's periscope to shit, Ari. No. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. That's enough, Ari. No. I'm just having a good time.

Me too. Me too. Oh, my God. I don't even want to look at my eyeballs. I'm scared. I don't want to talk to nobody. I just want to sit here and look around the room. Eddie Bravo.

I'm happy you came down for it. Hey, anytime. I love it, man. And you know, I just want to tell you that most of the 10th plant association worships you. They love it. Oh, I love them too. The 10WL.

Everybody on the 10WL loves you. I love them too, I love everybody. still showed up to all the show all of them all the shows you see a 10 planet shirt and it does something to you you see a lot of guys that come and go I don't want to design it's like oh that's cool yeah there really are it's my school every school designs are all clear and I got like 55 or something like that and they're all competing and you know I benefit because I don't think anybody has as many cool rash guards as I do I can have a shit load of badass

rash guards for my schools but I have nothing to do I'll rip off a little part of that design here I'll rip off a little part of that design here a little of that make my own it's a trade-off they're using the logo I'm using their their designs yeah yeah but that like I said 55 schools if you're interested in jujitsu get on 10 planet JJ.com click locations you might be surprised to find a location near you most of my locations are in small towns small towns 55 something like that I'm not sure it could be 51 could be 59 could be one yeah this is Duncan says me he's watching

are you allowed to put that on the camera he's shaped like mommy he's shaped like mommy Lee oh my god oh my god oh please help me the fucking warning that goes to Duncan trust nobody says nobody is illicit you're a professional oh my god Duncan you suck dick oh my god you have to watch this in the beginning

what is that monkey thing I don't fucking know what it is it's like some kind of monkey thing oh my god you're so weird only fucking we're fucking funny text number text Duncan

what's up cock suckers text Duncan the number to call in all right text number don't say the number I'm not going to my going to that's him who text me that video okay send him the number so you can call in come call in two minutes we got discussed where he got this video who sent him this video

why he would send me that video if he knew the condition I was in he really got down on me oh my fucking god you text him he looked like a hedgehog he looked like a hedgehog the way he was hunched over I'm loving this people I haven't done this in years

sometimes this is this is as crazy as I like for it to get my world I'm controlled I'm around friends wait that was a lot of muff hair though right that was the creepiest fucking thing I ever saw in my life only Duncan could find I didn't know what it was I thought it was some guy singing I thought it was Duncan making a video of himself

saying like I'm just testing I keep going texting what I'm testing it oh my god are you sending it to him so that he can put it on the screen he's I don't know what are we allowed or are you allowed to

it's a YouTube video I guess it's on YouTube no way it's YouTube who is that he was making right who is it where is the video coming from who has the video what do you mean

what the fuck put the video on let's see the video on the big screen well you can send it to yourself you know all these computed fucking okay let me try but hold on here text Duncan I'm gonna call in the number FCC is gonna come after you for putting this up on

for doing what for putting this up online I'm not gonna put it up online it's not me it's some fucking little kid dancing around with a bush that's got nothing to do with him oh my god that's the scariest thing ever I didn't know what it was I thought it was Duncan trying to put a flashlight in front of his face

trying to go boy was I in fucking shock Lee what are you doing one day beards on your genitalia are gonna be back one of these days one of these days girls are gonna be attracted to that again just a moth

the hairiest bush somebody has to be now right beards are in high school kids have beards I've never cut my ball hair I mean I've done it like 15 times in my life you what cut my bald hair

your bald hair yeah do you yeah I'm a hairy man I trim the shit out of my shit all right Duncan's on the line half Armenian half Iranian

Duncan what the fuck is that video who is that oh my god can you tweet it out so people can see that's uh that comes from that actually comes from Brendan Wall she's got a friend named Laser Wang that uh

sends him that stuff every day like the creepiest weirdo shit you look like a person what was that I look like a fucking hedgehog that's a no that's a person for sure that's just some little guy alone in his apartment dancing for someone

too bad you can't show it that is fucking we almost died show it it's so weird looking oh yeah there's negative guys yeah no you can't be doing that shit these people

you know I know I know what's going on and I just felt like God wanted me to send that shit I think it's disgusting man I can't even focus in on what the video site he's on what was that music that's it

what's my favorite this is just this is really fucking bad this is bad to think that people do this you guys should bear your money that's another thing I like to do when I'm out you and I'm out what a fucker

you should have came down here I'm telling you right now you would have been the ringleader of this fucking assed trip you scared a dollar bell it's so weird alright who's got a dollar bill let's put it to a test I got no dollar bills I know Lee's got a dollar bill do you have to turn the lights off

or say some hymns or anything no just look at it alright it's a fail of conditioning lifted it's fucking weird I remember doing that one me and my friend actually like burnt money like old school

really we were staring at it and it seemed so I don't know just so malevolent yeah it's a burnt money it's so fucking bad yeah it's like the ultimate blasphemy but it's meaningless it's just the rectangle of paper

it's when you're doing it it's literally it's illegal too I think but when you're doing it it's really it's really fascinating to notice how your brain reacts to just burning paper huh it's very interesting

what else is going on my brother well um I don't know man I've been watching your podcast really enjoying it you guys seem to be having a great time and I just wanted to call in and say hello I wish I had something interesting to report

that fucking thing that you sent was enough you took you threw us for a fucking loop that thing that's wanted in 20 states that little dance from that fucking fucking Mexican guy I'm so fucking hilarious I'll give you some more stuff no not tonight not tonight

any other night but tonight my mind is overloaded already with that poor bastard singing with a bush I love you D I love you guys thank you for calling in brother you got it what's up how long are you going to look at that dollar bill now for an hour

anything maybe money was meant to be looked at unpassing that's an old one what's that what difference does it make you got a new one on you no

look at the aries I'm not even going to give you the old one what's the matter you got that dollar back what's the matter Lee you're right I'm cool you want another star to calm you down no he's a savage and shit

a nation of fucking set what's up you sitting there you got the new head cut you don't want to say nothing I'm just hanging out when is any brown one radio coming back as a new fucking label it'll come back eventually

it's just man there's been so much shit going on in my life it's needed to take a little break from it it gets busy Sunday nights is a bad night it's family night you're in you're relaxing I gotta get up at nine o'clock and go talk shit

for two fucking hours you know what I'm saying I love it when you're doing this shit I have put out a couple songs on my soundcloud like the last week I put out an old song by Templamir that was never released it was a song that I never

I never put out there but I always wanted to finish it and Billy Howard from a perfect circle he engineered it we took all her old vocals and redid the drums, the bass, a lot of the strings left a lot of the guitar from the original

and just popped it on soundcloud.com slash eddy-bravo if you like any of that old Templamir stuff you'll dig this one, it's in the same vein I think it's better than all that other stuff especially now with the high quality production

now this is the way Templamir was supposed to sound it's better than you it's better than you what's that Cuban sandwich cox it's gone you leave it in the car, it smells like you brought me over there and you gave it to me there

Angina, that's what Italian people say Angina I don't know what does that mean? Heartburn what do the Jews call it? they got something what do they call heartburn

what do the Jews call it? it's called a burp what's going on, Lee? you starting to see elephants? sure they'll calm it down? that'll calm it down? they'll put the dragon down for a little while

he's going to show up in your door breathing again in two hours what's up everybody's depressed and everybody's pooped out that's it you got any new moves and stuff? new moves? can you show Lee a move tonight? show Lee

how far is it going? it's always evolving it's always changing, it's just like asking a comedian do you have new material? what are the trends now? 10th Planet has always been leg lock friendly I just didn't want to be heavy on heel hooks

that's our main goal I never wanted to go that route and MMA it's risky in MMA, it's great when there's no punches it's awesome but now with the rise of the submission only game and that, you got to have your leg locks together

if you're going to mess with any submission only tournaments the legs are a very big part of submission only and not a big part of traditional points tournaments so, submission only there's all these tournaments busting up everywhere

submission only, that's it what are we talking about? jokes, that's it so, you asked the question what's the latest evolution? over the last six months, leg locks getting really heavy with leg locks just as heavy as rubber guard

just as heavy as all the lockdown stuff just as heavy as all the twister stuff that heavy, we're taking it to the next level and it used to be a 10th planet we always had heel hook guys we always had guys that were all into heel hooks even though personally, I wasn't going to make the heel hook game

my number one priority it was always my backup game when my clinching game wasn't working you always call those other guys in too like Shigeki and stuff you'd be like, hey show this we always had a few leg lock guys in the mix there's always a few Shigeki was the original

guy who was getting the inside heel hooks from the saddle on but now everybody in the system from day one, the white boats they're all exposed, heavily exposed to the heel hook system so that's the biggest change

and it's changed my game tremendously sometimes I just go after heel hooks the whole time, I never did that before and now I'm just going after them if you're really good at rubber guard and your dexterity is also, you know, it's got to be solid so that's exactly

what you needed for leg locks you need dexterity in your legs, the flexibility to get in and out, in a weave they need to work like arms so rubber guard and heel hooks go together so well Nathan Orchard, he's all rubber guard and heel hooks

and he's got other stuff too but he's very strong which is those two and same thing with Brian Debs my purple belt's from he's a head instructor at 10 planet Beaumont, Texas he's all rubber guard and heel hooks it works so well when people pull out of your rubber guard

if they posture out, it fails, bam you got a good leg lock game, it's right there, boom you can't clinch for the rubber guard start attacking the legs then or go after them right away that's the biggest change in the 10 planet game is now we're all heavy with it now it's standard, it's in the

we have heel hooks in the warm up curriculum we have white belts they're really good at heel hooks already that's the biggest change lately now they legal or not legal in competition? in some tournaments they're not legal on the big ones, the IBJJF

the traditional ones heel hooks are illegal you can't even bring your outside hand and you get disqualified the lock is so easy to injure that's what they say but it's really not when you tap, you're already injured

is that the one? that's all bullshit that's all bullshit it's like your shoulder is just as vulnerable as your knee you have put in Kamura as an American that cranks the shit out of your shoulders I can tear shoulders apart

what's better or worse your shoulder getting torn off or your ACL getting torn it's both the same thing why are we protecting the sacred knees it's all sacred but you know what, this is jujitsu and it turns out that

heel hooks aren't that dangerous we've always allowed reaping a ton of plants from day one, I never discourage reaping it's rare that someone gets hurt from a heel hook what's reaping? bringing the outside leg in there's all these different leg configurations

when attacking legs there's inside heel hooks, outside heel hooks and all different kinds of variations all different ways you can place your legs some places are the best place for your legs and some are not so good but still effective there's all these different levels and positions reaping is just

one position where the outside leg comes in and over the hip and it seems like oh, it's gonna tear the knee apart, but it doesn't it doesn't, people rarely get hurt from heel hooks Abu Dhabi allows heel hooks as far as no-gi goes that's the most prestigious

so they allow all sorts of heel hooks sometimes people get hurt but you can get hurt with neck cranks and elbows and shoulders I think leg locks just got a real bad rap and it was from the Brazilian jiu-jitsu community

and I think the grappling systems that had nothing to do with Brazilian jiu-jitsu, like catch wrestling even Judo and there was Sombo these styles were rich

in leg locks so that was that was huge in battling these guys the Brazilian jiu-jitsu guys, they knew the only shot they had was leg locks so that's the it seems like

instead of embracing the leg locks let's just make it illegal and let's just cut it out just seem like, yeah, they don't have to deal with it now they don't have to deal with it, we just made it illegal boom, it should be legal we really should Naga has they allow heel hooks

there's not this epidemic of people with torn ACLs, it's just not happening you tell your I've never had my ACL tore from heel hooks I've been doing jiu-jitsu 21, yeah, it could happen anything could happen, you can get hurt people have gotten hurt from

various positions you're just part of the game, it's like playing basketball or playing football, sometimes you're going to tweak your knee sometimes you're going to tweak your elbow, your shoulder you might break a finger or something that's just, it's just part of sports people get hurt playing basketball, all the goddamn time

they say they're in wrestling and all that so it's jiu-jitsu you don't get hurt more than any other sport it's the same, I've been there in the trenches for 21 years it's funny, I went to dinner with some friends of mine they have kids that are old, you know like 14, 15 year old kids

they were talking about girl soccer, how the one kids daughters had three concussions already that they don't fuck around New Jersey what? concussions concussions, playing soccer, bumping into other fucking people, I've never heard of a society that got so many fucking concussions

when I was a kid I had one concussion I fell off a motherfucking XL175 doing 80 on some sea caucus road with them it wasn't developed, I used to be a motorcycle guy did you know that bro? a lot of people don't why do you think it's misconception

it's the weirdest thing when I first moved to North Bergen those guys, the guys I ran were motorcycle kids so we all had that kind of motorcycle? Kawasaki 250 I started with a Honda 50 were you up in the air?

I started from the bottom dog I started from the bottom to the next time in the air jumping dude my first car was a moped I had a moped when I was 15 it's like the learner's permit thing you can drive a moped dude I was known as the long-haired dude

with a moped you know how many people pulled up next to me I thought I was a chick from behind I had this hair, I had this shade I was 15 years old 16 years old, I looked like a little girl dude to pull up, oh shit they looked at me and go oh shit

it's an oh shit fuck moped when I first moved to Jersey Honda used to make a 50 that was an automatic what do you mean automatic? No clutch just three on the tree, bang bang bang there were 50 cc's, a Honda mini trail

and it just so happened that you could steal them off the trucks and seek off so the whole neighborhood had a Honda mini trail but dang you know what you could borrow out a 50 cc engine like if you have one of those geeky kids in the neighborhood instead of jujitsu, they borrowed out engines you can get it to be 75 cc

but by that time it was too late my grandma had like an XL 75, a Kawasaki that was brilliant XR80, that's what it was and XR, fuck the 75 was showing up with an 80 bitch and it came with the fucking already ready to go

with the mudflaps and shit that wasn't good enough then you got a 125 then after the 125, you got a 175 the one after that is 250 the one after that is just the fucking bike I stopped at 175 but bro, I had every type of motorcycle growing up

like I loved all that dumb shit but the one I loved the most was the lomo ones nobody ever had a lomo motorcycle lomo or motorcycle? yeah, there's so many bikes yeah, there's so many bikes Mexicans invented the lomo mini bike

where you going? I'm gonna go down to the ground for a minute no way, you can't lay down I can give you a different mic go ahead but you're talking about the lomo you know who's crazy about my moped that still haunts me in my nightmares

it haunts me wait, Eddie, I can already switch just switch seats who's gonna fucking switch seats? he's on the floor this is musical fucking games so you know on a moped, there's no gas reader

what do you call it? gas odometers? you just have to kind of guess you have to make the gas you have to mix it with gas and oil fuck that, no, I'm telling you so you had to guess, I had to keep track of my shit dude, if you run out of gas it's like a bike yes, mopeds were half bike half motorcycle

you have to have legs of strength to fuck you you have to do this to go like you barely go inch long that was like the biggest fucking farce the Americans had it always ran out of fucking oil so I dream that I'm on my moped

fuck, I don't know when the last time I don't know if I'm gonna run out of gas it's been so long, I can't remember when I put fuel in it last and I have this knife yeah, and then I wake up always stressful dreams, I'm on my moped and I can't remember but, but, that's one of those

dreams that if there was a gas odometer and that wasn't stressful maybe that would have been a good dream about, dude, I had a great dream, I was on my moped I was 15, but since there was that drama there maybe that's what fucked up the good dream

because now I got all stressed out about it right? but if I didn't get stressed out about it maybe I would just have a cool moped dream does that make sense? because check this out one of the craziest dreams I always have, I have this one all the time

you don't get stressed, you just have a good moped I'm open fantasy what the fuck that's what I'm thinking maybe what the fuck is that? because of the gas and the stress is the gas I don't remember the last time I put gas in this thing

I could run out at any second and then I'm all stressed out, I wake up sweating coming through your horrible dream you think so, it's more that? maybe that, no, you say that I think that's right I think I'm getting a treat I'm getting a cool moped dream

but the fact that the gas that thing didn't exist, the gas odometer just like when I started a strip club I think I'm supposed to I always have nightmares that I'm at the strip club DJing and I can't remember any of the girls names or I can't find any of the CDs

you gotta be on, you gotta know the girls you gotta know their songs, you gotta know every girl's different there's a girl that likes Tool and Marilyn Manson there's a techno girl, there's an R&B chick there's a hip hop chick, there's a chick that just says just put up, play anything and then you just play your favorite shit

and then you have songs attached to them your mind's gotta be sharp to be a strip club DJ and it ain't easy how do you remember all this? strip club DJ wanna be listen to this right now this is how it be a fuck I've had professional DJs come in

to audition that were sweating cause there's no way he's gonna be able to figure this out he doesn't know the girls and you got two and a half minute songs you gotta keep it going, you gotta know when to rotate you gotta know the girls you got a teen's shit you got a chick's set ready

she comes up with a CD and goes okay play track 2, fast forward at 33 seconds on that one and for my second song play track 4 and then make sure you fade it at 230 and then you got it and I'm about to play it, I'm about to play her set some guy asked her for a lap dance now she goes skip me, I got 15 seconds

to find another girl and her set so if I got 15 seconds I would say candy, you're going on stage now and I would grab the crystal meth at Vegas it's like chemical brothers I would grab that motherfucking boom

bam, track 4, track 8 you know that's a skin of your teeth set right there so my dreams are my dreams are I'm supposed to be having a great strip club dream a great one, but I can't remember anybody's name so I'm all stressed out

the manager's coming up I have these all the time, the manager's pissed I'm going to get fired, I'm like fuck I can't remember shit I can't read the CDs the club's packed, girls are everywhere and it ends up being a fucking nightmare every time it's a nightmare

your time is present and you want to feed your mind with the best of what's out there but who still has time to send you all the nonsense on the internet for those of us who want premium content and don't have the time to waste finding it for those of us who want premium content

and don't have time to waste finding it there's next issue next issue is the mobile app that lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere using your phone or your tablet they have iconic magazines

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sign up for next issue right now you'll get immediate access to all the top magazines including back issues and exclusive videos and photos hey listen, they got the best content around like I told you I love architecture so I watch the one magazine you know, what's the one thing I get

I don't even know anymore I can't even describe myself I like sports so I get sports illustrated sometimes I want to find out what's going on entertainment weekly I get a bunch of stuff like that you know, people magazine, whatever go to next issue right now

do me that favor right now, the best part is right now, when you go to nextissue.com slash Joey that's the best part next issue is going to offer you a free trial right now, when you go to nextissue.com slash Joey

again, try next issue for free right now, when you get the next issue.com slash Joey what happened brother? I don't have no idea, whatever it takes you know what I'm saying, I'm sitting over here sweating bullets, I got enough problems on my mind

I ain't going to fucking Uber home I ain't going to fucking Uber home I'm going to drive you guys home? no, come on man I got the horse and buggy where you going to drive this fucking goodness look at him, he's on the floor, he's done you want another hit?

I can't tell if your mic's working or not who's mic? does it matter? he's saying so much, he's singing a fucking song you got a seat for this possibility what kind of seat for this possibility don't forget also shroom tech

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right now, you snort two of these you'll be up and jumping and shit go to onit.com right now and press in Joey and get 10% off your first daughter they've got great products they've got alpha brain, they've got the hemp protein 16 grams of protein and scooped the chocolates

the best chocolate out in the market I love all this shit, I live by this stuff so I don't know why you're not at least giving it a try go to onit.com right now church, C-H-U-R-C-H and get 10% off your first daughter also the best in electronic cigarettes

hit esigs.com right now they got cigars, they got cigarettes they got 0, 8, 16 24 milligrams and they also have a cigar which I've been puffing for like the last fucking eight months Joey, how is the job description he's on the floor, on acid

trying to fix his microphone how is the job description for your employee he just pulled a kid alone, look at him, he's got money sticking out of his pants and sharing it on he thinks this kid's on a level, he believes fucking dirty rock see who else takes this fucking acid

who? Sunday night who takes it what, you didn't take it out there we didn't give you none, we gave you two stars what are you fucking crying about, everybody's beautiful here go to onit.com right now church, and get 10% off your first daughter also hit esigs.com for the best

e-cigarette out there 1,200 guaranteed pups, who gives you that some fucking terrorists, some fucking 7-Eleven hell no, go to hit esigs.com right now, and get 5 to 50

play another scene play another comedy scene also to my main people nail this live.com they're supporting all our comedy venues they showed up and this is not happening heavy duty, with some fucking goomy bears those goomies are monos

they showed up blowtorching motherfuckers I love these guys go to nail.com right now and press them much joey Diaz get what, 20% off the vapor pen the best one in the market just buy the fucking thing, they're such good people you understand me, we're gonna switch this over

to periscope, we love you guys have a great Monday morning, it is what it is cocksuckers, enjoy it, stay black no, put the music on put the music on cocksucker close it with the music cocksucker go, we're gonna switch to periscope and we'll put hollywood shuffle on

go to nextissue.com go to nextissue.com on it.com hitysix.com nail this live.com I love you motherfuckers see you Tuesday or Wednesday Minneapolis this weekend

next weekend Fort Lauderdale Improv the countdown to Dixiac continues I'm coming back to New York November stress factory, New Jersey look at these two fucking sep put the music on, we got them alright, have a good night, hot seconds

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh yeah oh oh

oh oh oh I can't find it anywhere I don't mind Corporate prison, we stay Hey, I'm a no-boy, work all day Oh, so untrung out anyway

Hey, hey Hey, hey Loneliness is not a face Feel the pain is where I graze Serenity is far away So I reflection and cry Hey, so little hope that I died Oh, me and your lies open wide

Hey, wait up my heart, not the size Oh, I don't mind I don't mind I don't mind I don't mind I don't mind I don't mind I can't find it anywhere

I don't mind Hey, clouders now turn to gray All that I want is to play Get on your knees and play, boy