Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Ari Matti goes to Church for the first time!

Episode Date: June 16, 2026

  Ari Matti, comedian and Kill Tony regular joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt for the first time ever. Joey tells Ari the bit of Ari's that made him fall in love with him as a comic, they talk getting attacked by cats, creepy magicians, and the wild things Ari has run into.   SHOW NOTES Spend $5 to get 200 in rewards with code JOEY @ https://www.draftkings.com/mobileapps Don't sleep on @ultrapouches. New customers get 15% off #ad with code CHURCH at http://takeultra.com #UltraPouches Support the show & support your mental health. Sign up & get 10% off at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's up, beautiful people? The church of what's happening now is back Tuesday to 16th of June. You're at the halfway mark. Here tonight, we got a guest tonight. We got Ari Madi, fucking tremendous comedian. And my trusted Israeli soldier, Mr. Lee Syatt, you know what I'm saying? I hope you guys, sorry about the week off last week.

I knew I was going to do Rogan. Why waste your fucking time talking about Lee, hotel in Cincinnati? Nobody gives a fuck. You know what I'm going on, Rogan? What the fuck are we going to talk about another week? I hurt my knee. I'm taking pain.

But who gives a fuck? But I tell you what, I went down and I hung out Tuesday night and Wednesday night. Who do I see here? The same guy bumped into on Tuesday night. I think I left you Tuesday at 11.30. Yeah.

And everybody went out and stayed out until 7 in the fucking morning. Yeah, it was bad. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Thank God. and I already know the signs of debt. No, you were down there parting.

I saw you had Mitzis moving and grew in holding court. Yeah, you were parting, yeah. Those little fucking the spicy margaritas that mama makes me? Oh, my God. And Mitz is built for a comedian that every corner is built to hold court. You can have an audience, your own little groove in every little. I remember you were at the bar. Yeah, I was at the bar this time.

I'm usually in the booth, but I want to say at the bar because the girl was working. The bartender, the cute. Jasmine. Jasmine and Diamond. Diamond wasn't there. She was only coming back to the next night. But I always sit with Jasmine. I don't try it unless somebody, you know, then I'll sit at the booth.

But I don't until about 11.30. Then they said they were going somewhere else. And I go, listen, I know how this starts. Yeah. I know how this starts. And you know what, dog? I'm going to be clean from cocaine. 19 years this November.

But I got an itching lately. You know what I'm saying? Jesus Christ. I'm out drinking a few margarias. Yeah, I mean, you were loose. Some freak comes up to me with a fentanyl free package and save the Cubans. No, I'm just, I can't. I made a promise.

But it's crazy. I've been out in the last two years, one or two nights in Austin late and then one night here two years ago. And I remember where I went two years ago, they were snort and coke right in front of me. I remember looking and going, it doesn't even affect me anymore. Like, damn. Unless somebody's going to suck my dick with a line of coke on it. Ooh, old school. You know what I'm saying?

Old school. You got to pick your leg up and shake your leg. Hold on, honey. You're numbing out my nuts sagging on the right. Arimani, what's up? Joe, he does. What's up, Lisa? You know, I work with this guy in Buffalo.

Him and his wife, they do 700 milligrams at a restaurant. Oh, yeah. Oh, it was crazy. Both of them are walking around She's the fucking car Yeah, we went to a restaurant They were both like in REM sleep It was crazy

They were so high It was wild I loved it And I just kept ordering food And he kept eating It was crazy Oh no You ain't gonna stop this fucking guy

First of all You order like eight pizzas You walk in And for who For you I was the only one eating Yeah Oh

Yeah I thought the secret Yeah Yeah And we had Fuzzy With us I'm a big boy That eats

William White Has good food I love the club. Not the one in, where were you? Buffalo. Buffalo, yeah. No, we didn't, we didn't have food there. They cut the wings out and they cut.

They might have, they know they have wings. The beef, what they're known for. Uh-huh. Oh, beef on whack? Beef on whack. I don't, I don't remember that at the menu. I do remember they got me into Moscow mules. Mosquehs.

With the little, with the little weird cups. Because you don't even feel the booze. He was ordering left and right. We went to this guy. You never feel the booze. I took him to this creepy like cocktail of a dark as shit, loud as fuck men. making out at the bar, like really creepy stuff. All right.

We were in the darkness. I was feeding the Moscow. Was we in a corner banging one out? With a line of coke on his own dick. Ooh, yeah. It was cool. Like one of the only places that I've been in a while that it has like late night. Like I was just in Syracuse in New York when the finals were going on.

We went to bar and there was, it was nobody. It was like, so at least in some places there's still people going out and having fun. Yeah. When you're on the road, when you're on the road and you're doing late. shows, the pickings get slim. I was at a waffle house in West Virginia this weekend. And that's all I had. It's one, it's one o'clock. They literally tell you, it's over. And you're like, what do you mean? So it's me and the double tree. A double tree with the fan and the fucking AC next to you, suicide city. That's when I kill myself. It's when I'm alone on the road in a double tree with a

fan. That's when you think about killing yourself. But you know, well, listen, you're going to do that room maybe once again, and then you're never going to go to that bucket. Oh, of course. Stayed ever again. But it's just another weekend right now in your life. Oh, for sure. You're a young guy. You got the world by the balls.

You know, and those are the places where you have the orgies. You come to Jersey, New York, the chicks go home. I'm going to study. You go to one of those plays. There's always a chubby one. It always gets insinuated by the chubby one that's sent by the hot one. And you look at the chubby one and go, ah, well, what's something? with a cottonball in my ass or something,

we can make this possible, you know what I'm saying? And the chubby one grows on you. Yeah, no, no. See, because the pretty one starts adding like a bitch all night and you're like, you're not even thankful for the drinks I'm buying. The chubby one says, thank you. Thank you. Even for a toothpick.

Yeah. You give them a toothpick, they go fucking a bunch. And they laugh, they laugh more, their good time, you know. How long have you been doing comedy for that? I think it's, well, first time, maybe 15 years ago, I did it. I would say serious. about maybe 11, but 15. I mean, I started in a place that didn't have it,

so I had to improvise. You know what I did my first gig? I just went outside and started giving out flyers. I did an hour and a half of full bombing till everyone left quietly. I just ended the gig alone. It was just me and the bartender at the end. That's how I thought it works.

Because I saw Eddie Murphy, I saw Dave Chappelleau. I was like, how art is this? I mean, I'm funny. Like in the locker room with my friends. I didn't know that it's like, whole thing. How many people were there at the beginning? So I booked like, I was already, in my head, I was like, you know, I'll do this AMMA stuff, but then on the side, maybe on HBO. So I was already like, like absolutely full retarded on thinking of how it works. I didn't even

know about three minutes or five minutes or I just thought you got it or you don't. And you look at Eddie Murphy. I didn't know he practiced. I just thought, you just go on and you rock it. That's what I thought for years. Yeah, as a kid, that's what you think. I thought they just went to a club and by mistake there was a camera there. Oh, exactly. And they were like, oh, can I get up? Yeah. And he just went up there.

I thought even Eddie didn't know they're filming. No, I thought he was just, and I thought you put on leather, you put on a chain, and you rock it. That's what I thought. Because that's what funny is usually. You know, you're always talking at school or with your friends, you know, that's what funny. You didn't know funny is a business. You don't know this is a set and an opener. Dude, I was like, so I booked already like four gigs in a row.

And by the fourth gig, nobody showed up. just canceled it. First gig was like 50 to 60 people real bad. All my friends too. They looked at me weird after that for years. Those people that saw me bomb like that, they still can't believe what's happening to me right now. No, they don't. I bet, I bet you're happy for you. But they know me. They're happy for you. Doesn't matter. Yeah. He saw me bomb at the fucking, the Howard Johns, not the Howard Johnson, Piccolos and Seacorkers. He was there in 1993. Oh. Wow.

I was doing comedy three years. Mm-hmm. You know, those people know that. They know. Yeah. And they'll bust your balls for years in the beginning.

Like I had his uncle and his crew would tell me to quit. On the way home. All my friends thought I'm losing my fucking mind. You got to drop this, Joey. This is just not good.

I said I'm moving. The other guy, now that's fun. And you're driving back with them in the back of the car. They got coke. They're eating bills. All right.

I'm going to quit. And then you're like, fuck them in the morning. They don't know shit about shit. Yeah. But your, like your best friends would go, bro,

you're okay. Mm-hmm. But the guy with the, and then they picked the hackiest guy. Oh, it's always good. The guy that was doing a joke about this, he's funny.

The guy with the puppet was great. The guy that with the puppet was fucking phenomenal. The guy with the guitar, you know, when somebody comes with a guitar. Yeah, and then your friends are like,

no, that's comedy. You're like, you fucking idiot. Well, that's the end of our fucking friendship. Yeah. Like,

I fucking look at that. Like, I don't give the fuck if you tell me you you bomb, but if you picked a wrong comedian, you and I are not talking for a lot. They talk to me to come to your house, and I say to you, hey, you got anything to eat?

And I got a refrigerator. You got nothing that refrigerator. We ain't going to be friends for a long time. But the guy with the little dick, he's got food in his refrigerator. You see what I'm saying? What is his dick becoming a goat? Because he's got a couple weeks ago I went on a podcast.

And the guy said to me, who do you think? Who do you like? I can sit here like anybody else and split out Chappelle and this guy. I don't want to do that. You watch those guys. Because we've been in it for so long, when you watch those specials, that's numb to you now. You've heard every 34 years.

What are you going to tell me? What are you going to fucking tell me now? But every once in a while, somebody writes a bit that is just structured. And I saw it on YouTube. And then I saw it again. I'm like, I got to watch this thing. And I'm like, holy shit. shit. I'm happy that there's not a big

I'm not going to say his name because I know exactly what he would insert here. He would say that an ugly dude instead instead of a guy with a little dick. I'll tell you after the show. That's what that's the first thing I thought about. This guy's lucky. There's no thieves like that no

more. But the bit is fucking tremendous. It is like the best shit I've heard since I don't know. Like when I first seen Bill Hicks. Like it's that clean of a set. You know, the whole thing, you know, the guy with a little dick, he's got a roommate that's creepy. That with a big dick's got a roommate that's creepy.

No fucking mattress on the floor. But a guy with a little dick, his roommate, and he just dropped it. Breakfast plans for the next day. A guy with a big dick, he ain't going to have plans for you next day. Yeah, I have a small dick. I don't, I don't, something like, I don't blow your back out. I blow your mind. I got conversation. We talk about Ukraine. I'll explain it. I'll massage.

I'll have a helix sleep mattress. It's crazy. It's so real because like when you're 21, you can pick up the hottest girl on the bar and you'll fuck her on the top of anything. Your father's work bench. She wakes up the next day. She looks like Jesus.

You got screws in her back and shit. You know, you do the, you do the creepiest things. And then somewhere where you become 26, you're going to be classy. I got to take him to the Chautau-Marmont. What? Five years ago, you know, you were throwing them down on your fucking... On the mattress.

On the mattress. That had a cum stain on it from the night before, whatever. Nobody knew nothing. And he's just breaking it down for me, letting me know. Like, the last joke that took me shocking like that was I was getting ready one night. I got a spot at the comedy store 11, 30, 12. There's a stand-up show on. And it was like, you know, those eight-minute pieces that people do.

I don't know where the show was from. It was on Showtime. But they go, coming to the stage, Rich Voss. Oh, wow. All right. And I'm, like, getting ready. And those days, I had the studio with the 10 cats. The closet was there.

The shower was right next to it. And even when I went to take the shirt off, I heard Rich Voss said, the teacher told me to sit Indian-style. So I got a bottle and laid in the gutter. Like, I just heard that. And I remember looking at my wife because she's got some Indian in her, and she started laughing.

And I fucking broke out. There's little things that stop you in your tracks. For sure. I don't want to blow smoke up your ass, but I really, I appreciate it. I like the level of it, how you broke it down.

And I told the guy, I said, I couldn't think of fucking Ari Madi. So I said, Christina, whatever a fucking name is Malinari. Right? What's Christina's name?

Mariani? Mariani. Mariani. I love to. Yeah. There's three of you from that fucking club I like is you,

her, and the chubby guy. Fuzzy? Fuzzy? Is that his name? Fuzzy? Fuzzy? The Pakistani guy?

The chubby guy? Or who? Dylan Sullivan? Do you mean maybe Dylan? No. But Dylan. Yeah, he's like a white guy with a beard.

Yeah, Dylan Sullivan. He opened up for Jordan Jensen, maybe. Yeah, yeah, that's still. He was in L.A. for a while. He's awesome. He was a guy even at the store. You know, maybe?

Maybe. No. Maybe he just worked. And it's like, if they've been doing comedy for 20 years, anybody who saw me, once you saw it, it's done. It's like ACDC. It's the same fucking chords. You know what I'm saying?

It's from the same thing. But those chords are banging. Yeah, you have to come up with new shit. But it's like, I like seeing new people. That's it. For sure, yeah. Like anything else. There's no new bands that rock my fucking world.

You know, but at least there's new comics that I look at and go, wow, this is interesting to see this development. Oh, wow. That's very sweet. And you, I'm not going to ask you a business. They should be coming to you and asking you, have you ever considered a show yet? Well, let's take it to Fox or Netflix. Netflix should be not any fucking day now.

The United States loves foreigners. They do, yeah. They do. What are you talking about? They love all this shit. You introduce their land, swords and missiles. And you can tell them whatever. That's what I, I can tell them whatever you want.

You can marry a bear. Have you ever been to this? I've never even heard with you from. Do you think they did those white people in the room with the last? I did West Virginia. What do you think happened there? I had a casino in West Virginia from Estonia? Dog, you're lucky?

They didn't down 9-1-1-1. Listen, a really... They were asking a lot of questions at the casino. A really good guy, a friend of ours. I want to give him a shout out. He passed away two weeks ago, Jerry Rocha. He was on this podcast like three or four times. He was family.

And I like Jerry, too, because I'm lying to you. It wasn't Bill Hicks. Jerry Rocha had a joke. It really happened. He went to do comedy and Texas Arcana, but he opened up for a magician. So he don't know. He brings up the magician.

Let's keep it going for Mark all the Great. And he walks off. And within 18 minutes, he goes, Joey, within 8 minutes, people start to go boo, boo, they're booing the magician. And he goes, I go over because Jerry didn't drink or nothing. He's on me up and up, Jerry.

Got rest of so. I want to cry, thinking about him. And he goes, I go, and Nick, Joey. And they're just, like, going to call the police. He's the son of Satan. Because he ripped the newspaper in half. They were like, he's a magician. He's the son of Satan.

And they were just yelling. Well, they pulled a magician off the stage and shit. They thought he had evil powers and stuff. Fucking hilarious. He turned it into a bit, his brilliance. He's like, get him off to stay. You know, like, they were going, I get it. I fucking get it.

Yeah, because you've been. feel the same way about magic. You and Steve Simone together are the funniest with magic. Magic to me, but not to a bunch of people, not that 30 people in a dinah in Texas Arcana. They're not even related to me, Lee. You know what I'm saying?

Right. I mean, some people bother some people. That's it. Yeah. You ever go to like your niece's fucking birthday and also they show up like who's coming today? Uh-huh. What are you talking about? They have a zombo the clowns come in and the purple guy's coming, and we have a magician coming.

As soon as you go magician, it's just, it's like when you bump in the jukebox. I know I know I'm going to be uncomfortable at some part. I don't like when they ask you to do stuff because I always feel such, I always do it wrong. I don't know because it's, why are you making me look like a fool? Like, hey, when they come to me. Hold this. I'm already fucking up. Oh, I'm coming on my pain.

I love it. And they make you look like an absolute dumb. I have always hated magicians. Okay, since the age of like eight, I remember telling my mom, the mauta, you know, like, moita, like black magic to me. Yeah.

And my family comes, they cut chop, cut, chok. They kill chicken heads, and you have to drop them off in the cemetery, but still, magic always creeped me out because the people who did it in America always thought, like, maybe to me I already saw they were pitiful, or whatever the fuck they are. Some ain't right.

To be fair, you might have a point. There must be like a charred son or a profile and magician. It's like a person who your cat. It's like if, you know, Lee inherited a cat. And for the last three, two years, Lee's struggle is the cat. Some weeks he likes him, some weeks he doesn't. Lee forgot to give him the fucking blanket. I guarantee I'll go to that fucking house and that cat will jump on me, love me,

Per and Lee will go, this motherfucker. Because I got a cat. Maybe. Okay. and now all those cats bond. I walk into your house. You got a cat. You have three of them.

Two of them are going to hide. One of them is going to walk right up to me and go watch this. Watch this stupid. He's got a cat. This is a dad. This guy's a fucking sucker. I can smell him from here. He's got sucker written all over him.

If he's got a lobster tail, it's ours. I don't care how fat he is. That's how a cat thinks. Has the cat the ducked you? A couple. I used to, my ex-girlfriend had a cat. With the, you know the cats that they've genetically, like, raped so much that they're sad for life?

You got to drop those of the Chinese restaurant. I don't even know how you create sad ears. How much sadness genetically. How many, yeah. So, anyway, there was that cat, and she was cute to, that cat was cute to everybody. And then at night, I would, like, sleep next to my girlfriend. I would hear behind me.

Oh, I hate that. And I would look, and the cat is literally in the night, staring at me. And then sometimes you play GTA on the PlayStation while she's at work and the cat out of nowhere just jumps on me.

Yeah. And me with a broomstick, I'll have to fight it up. And he's closed the door. Going crazy. And then as soon as she walks in, she's the sweetest cat. Of course.

And everybody thinks I'm a lunatic. Like everybody thinks I'm crazy and the cat is winking at me at the back. The cat is going. going, shh. It's scary. Yeah.

You're afraid being home by yourself. Fucking cats hiding your zol off and shit. And then cats get creepy. And then it was one of those cats that when they saw a bird outside. Have you ever seen like a cat see a bird in the window and they start doing that? Yeah. Oh, they go nuts. They go nuts.

And I'm looking at this. I was scared. Shit. I'm scared. I haven't seen that. But this cat in the dark will just, I'll walk out to go to the bathroom at night. And I'll just be sitting in the middle of the hallway to just. staring at a wall.

Oh, God. It freaks me the fire. Yeah, he's freaking you out. But she doesn't, she hasn't hissed at me in a minute, but she does every once in a while will jump up on the bed whacking me and run away. Like, if I do something that she doesn't like? I hate to whack, yeah. Yeah.

It's fucking, oh. Is that why you broke up with a girl? I mean, it's certainly great attention. I'm nervous to fuck about this cat jumping on my neck. Like, he makes a good cat noise when you're playing a game or something like that. When you get attacked by a cat like that, it makes a noise. And they go for your face. They go, they just come, and they come flying out of any.

And you're like, what the fuck? Because they know they need to have a moment. And at one of you, like, come out again. I'll push the fuck out of you. Then you have to catch yourself. It's an animal, Joey. Yeah. Relax.

You can't be beating up on an animal or shit. Because I lived in Hollywood. And there was a fucking wild thing going on there. And one night, a cat once only. One of the kittens jumped at me. And I was like, thank God I was paying attention. I didn't snort a Coke yet. I waited.

By dogs. I've scarred on my face and on my ass. I mean, bitch, yeah, they'll scratch you. They'll fucking do the... Dogs fuck me up, too. Dogs. You know, I was thinking about the...

I was thinking about the... how genuine that statement is. And again, if you're a magician at home, I don't hate you. You know what I'm saying? Like, I just... I don't know. No, that I get it.

I mean, I've never met a not creepy magician. They got something weird. But here's where it gets better. In 1983, I was dishwash. at John Denver's restaurant. You don't even know who John Denver is. John Denver, the singer. Yeah.

We were on his tour bus with Tony in Texas. He had mirrors everywhere. It just scratched up from all the coat cutting. Yeah. Yeah, John Denver's tourbats. Dice was in the back with his girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we had a restaurant anyway to make a long story short.

At night to entertain the skiers, there was a magician. And I stayed the fuck away from him. But I wanted to see what he did one night. Okay. And it was genius because he would take, there'd be fans in the restaurant, and he would ask two people to give me a card. Black, all right, and he'd go, okay. You, sir, $50, give me $50 that I'm sticking between the thing.

I'll let you do it first. If you make it, I'll give you $50. Okay. Then you would all, you don't know how to do it. Of course not. He'd take and go, and it would stick? It's his. By the end, the film.

The fucking everywhere, there's 50s, hundreds, and 20s. Doug, I'm old school. You wouldn't take it down every night? Huh? You wouldn't take it down? No, he left it so he would, people, tourists would come in and play with them. Oh God. There was a ton of money up in that ceiling.

Oh, because you look at that and you go, people have made it. Right. It was possible. Yeah. Between my hatred for comedy and my love of stealing, you knew that money was not going to last up there for long. Not on my fucking. watch not when I was 18 out of here.

Do you have to do a good climb up? No, I got a ladder one. I believe I was cleaning the chandeliers and I just, but in the lower end where I could jump because I had, I started like that jumping and I had pulled down like a $100 dollar bill of 50, 120 every night. And finally it was like a patch. You could see like, you know, the fucking guy was getting, it's like the ceiling was getting.

Your handprints missing? No, no, it was like the ceiling was getting chemo. There were little patches. Fucking, there was a little. That's a bad dude. Falling out. And then I moved over, and it was by the bar. And there was chandeliers over the bar.

So I just got a ladder one night. The managers were, they were too coked up. I'm up there pulling hundreds. I'm pulling 400 a night because that's where the hundreds were. And you couldn't tell it all. There was a ton of hundreds up there. Wow. But this happened, and then I moved on.

And I told somebody a story years later, and it got back to him. And he goes, I knew it. I knew it. He was robbing us. So this war, you know, now we were throwing jabs at each other from L.A. to Aspen. And it gets better. One night I'm at the store and Steve, the manager comes to Richie.

And he goes, they call you Coco? I go, yeah, they're still doing. He goes, yeah, the fucking magician said you robbed him. I go, where? He goes, at the Magic Castle. So now for the last three years lived in L.A., Anybody who said they were going on Magic Castle, I'd tell him, ask for whatever the guy's going to forget now. So I drove him crazy.

People would say they'd tell him Joey Diaz sent love, and he'd go, enough for Joey Diaz. And he'd run in the back. I was sending a personal weekend there to torture him and shit. They gave love. Did this go on for like 20 years? This started in 1984, 84, 83, 84 in Snowman's Village, Colorado. It was going to 2020? At the Tower Restaurant.

And we were still going, we met about, you know, this is a tape on YouTube. He made a tape all drunk, fucking Cocoa Diaz and fucking thief. He robbed my fucking playing cards. He's still doing magic? I guess if he hasn't died by now. You know, he was out. Fucking tremendous.

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That's take ultra.com for 15% off with Code Church. After you purchased or ask where you heard about them, support the show and tell them Uncle Joey sent you. Thank you. So I don't want you to say that's a very genuine thing you're saying about me. But Matt, it was, because I love Jerry Roach in that joke, but it was, we went to a dinner and you don't, you drove like an hour, hour and a half to go to this dinner. It was the holiday party.

And it was like early on, it was Gabriel's. Okay. And it was holiday party. You, me and Steve went and you don't go anywhere, but you went there. And this magician was walking around. He got to you and Steve. You and Steve looked at each other and, like, had a. Catholic moment and you both left the restaurant.

Like in the middle of his trick, you guys ran away. And Steve was like, it's the devil's work. It was one of the funniest moments of my... I called Gabriel next day, dog. I can't have these black magicians in there. He wasn't black.

I would have felt better if he was a voodoo guy. Yeah. Like with a horn in his nose or some white guy with orange hair. You're not selling to me no more. Yeah, they was got a mess or something. Tattoos now. That big suitcase.

Now you're fucking Henry Angel from Vegas. What's his name? Prince Angel. Yeah. Now all of a sudden he's a fucking angel from Vegas, you know? Fucking crazy. Did you guys talk about Gabriel Iglesis? That's Iglesis?

You know, he lives in Texas too now. Can you fucking believe? He comes down a lot. A lot, a lot. And he, you know, he's got a whole compound out there. And he's partying and he's fun. He's fun. Well, when you go from California to Texas,

you must look at your bank account, be like, what? Yeah. Like, that must be a big shock. Yeah, I was asking him, I was like, so, like, you know, because he goes on the road on the weekend. I'm like, so what airport do you fly out of? He goes, mine. You know, I was trying to relate.

I was like making small talk. I was like, oh, you're taking a San Antonio? You fly out of McCallon? Yeah, right. That's what I'm thinking. Where are you connecting? Mine. Yeah, yeah.

Are you Delta Platinum? No, I have a private jet. Yeah. Fucking crazy. I love it, yeah. Yeah, and he's going everywhere still. And he's all the time. He just went to the dentist and Malta.

He's been in Estonia. He came to Estonia. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good for fucking him. You know, like, he's grinding. He has done something that, think of where he came from.

I just remember when he had, he booked a room on the 7-10. On Thursday night, they paid you $35. Damn. He booked that room. He was the house and C. And he's only stand up. He don't got a podcast. He didn't do a sketch show.

He's never been on a, he's been on movies, but not known for it. He had a sitcom for a while. Yeah, but still. On ABC. but it wasn't his passion. What carries, he's always been a performer. He's a fucking. And, you know, young guys could really learn aloud from him.

Because that motherfucker, listen, he's out every night. Every night. I saw him in L.A. at the... Every night. I saw him just at the store and I go, you want to do Kill Tony tomorrow? Oh, no, tonight. That was like later tonight. He went on panel.

He was like, sure, I'll be there. He wants to perform and he loves comedy. Every night. He'll jump on a plane now. Exactly. Like those dudes are starting jumping on planes. Fuck it. I like San Francisco too.

All the punchline telling me you want to do the 1030 show. Yeah. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. Martin runs like a show in San Antonio at the riot, I think. Like a small venue or something. Yeah, it's supposed to be nice. And Gable goes there every time he does it. Yeah.

Gable's there. Yeah, he gets on state. It's a different fucking world when you, when I moved to Jersey for a couple of years, I'm like, I'm done. And then I'm like, what am I talking? What are you? What am I going to go to Costco and check fucking receipts?

Also, I saw a little boy maybe like, I think it was last week maybe. Yeah, last week we're doing the, it was the bucket. No, actually the one before then, because I saw you do a set. That was the time you came before, maybe like a month or a month and a half ago. Man, murdering, huh? Holy shit. No, you had a, I saw the big one later too. Right, right, but the little room.

But the little room in that club is like my backyard. No, you were, it was a while. The mathematician of it, all you do is close your eyes. and I could be in three of my favorite rooms. The way you can hit from the stand like that it's the mic is in the stand too. That's crazy. By the way, your albums, you know,

I used to listen to, like when you started the church and you were absolutely fucked up. I was in Melbourne bartending. I was in Melbourne bartending. Where's Melbourne? Hold on. Australia. In Australia.

Yeah, I was bartending and doing like, cutting limes listening to the church. And so many times I'm like, my part is broken because there would be so much silence sometimes, but you guys were so fucked up. You would have 40 seconds sometimes. And you're like, and I would go so often, what the fuck is? And it's, but it's running.

And I'm like, what the fuck? But you guys were just, and I listened to all. And then I started listening to your albums. The way you would use timing, you and Dice Clay, I remember back in the day when I used to listen to a lot of albums, Dice had that like one album, you know, where he like bombs on purpose, but it doesn't really bomb.

The night that laughter died. Yeah, that's a killer album. The greatest albums of all time. But see, even there, the way he's talking and the rhythm and he's using silence, you know, like, and you're like that too. You had an incredible

like album, what is that? The most annoying thing in the world about him is that it's either you were the priest, the first album that he did, and I helped. He was driving down to a one night show. We rented a recorded, and he was like, I don't have anything to say. And then he just did it.

hour went to number one on iTunes at him. And I was brand new with you, so I don't know how much of it material, how much of it wasn't. No, you have thoughts, man, and there's nights that as a comedian, would talk to get laughter. Every once in a one, once you're at the eight-year mark, you want to flip it one night. For sure. You just take, you already had three great sets. You had one in the fat boy and two in the little one.

No, you had two good sets and a big one. one in a little one, and now you're doing the 10.30. And there's maybe 150 people in there, a couple of them are drunk. I'm going up there to bomb. I've never done that. To bomb? To bomb. Get ready.

It's something, you know, people are talking about, oh, my God. Are you not fasting? I fasted for 82 weeks, really? Go up on a stage for 45 and just stand there, smoking a cigarette, looking at your butt. and take the last 20 of them booing you. And let me know how liberating that is. You'll go out and walk the streets fucking naked for a mile with your dick out.

Like, what could be worse on what I just went through? Nothing. So think about it. Every once in a while you got a three-minute spot somewhere, six minutes, just play for three minutes. But I like what you said, liberating. It is. All that shit is liberating. The less you rely on the anxiety and the panic of having to deliver.

Deliver. And the more you go into yourself, the best. better it gets, the more exciting it gets. But I've had that where, like, I don't do material, but I'm not going up there to bomb. Like, I'm not going up there with, like, the intention of bombing. No, no, no. What he says by bombing is not laughter, but the connection is still there. You can still...

Connection is still there. Yeah. And it's a gift. You feel it, and you go, okay, I may not have killed them. And they clapped on the way out. Nobody threw a tomato at you. Nobody said, get off the stage, speak. Nobody said nothing. But there's something about it every once or a while.

even bombing. There's times where you just hit the comedy seller. You went and did that. You did Vito's room of smoke. You did Johnny Bananas and all of something. Boom, you bump into three your buddy smelling. You want to show up.

Oh, yeah. That's when it's coming. You know what I'm saying? And you walk in there hefty-lefty and ready for love. That's when it's coming. First joke bomb. Second joke, you're fucking dying. Third joke.

And from there on, it's just a fucking. and a 16-minute dive of ego. It's like, and sometimes you'll pause for like when a laugh you're expecting and it doesn't come. Oh, that's, it's crazy. Well, that's the freedom of the room now. The freedom of that room is that line that I worked at for eight hours didn't work. What am I feeling right now?

Tell them what you're feeling right now. Oh, guys, I guess that line didn't work. Yeah. Tell them, tell them. I mean, you have to be a real person. Yeah. Listen, at that point, you know, I've had thoughts about fucking quitting comedy. As a matter of fact, I have thoughts about killing myself every Monday and Tuesday.

I mean, all that shit. That is, and that's what people really want to hear. Like I said, to Lee, years ago, nobody pulls up on an open mic with a Maserati. Yeah. And how often do you see someone who's, like, bombing? They're like out of it. Then they pause. They take a deep breath.

When you hear the deep breath into the mic, they're about to. say something very real. And it's about to get really good. I just had, I was just with Joe DeRosa and, you know, he's one of my favorites. He's like a, he's a New York legend and also he's a comedy legend because the same thing, he does comedy. He takes

chances. He's like fun to watch, fun to be around. His life is a mess one week, then he's happy. He's a real comedian. Yeah, he's a fucking, I love it. Trey wrecks are on, behind every corner. Every time he's got a story. I haven't seen him the last three or four times. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he's on

row too, of course, yeah. And last week, he had one of those where at sunset, he didn't want to go up. He didn't want to go up. He already knew he doesn't want to go up. But Red Man asks, and as a comedian, you have this, there's this feeling like when I don't feel like going up, probably I should, because it might be something interesting, but sometimes it ain't. And he goes on stage, he's trying like, he's practicing his serious set for something.

And it's, you know, there's no connect. He doesn't want to do it. And he pauses, he takes a deep breath. He goes off the rails about how he hates. He wants to quit comedy. He hates all this shit. He's like, 30 years. Everyone is famous around me.

And it's murder. But where it came from? Exactly. Where it came? When you're serious like that? Oh, my God. And all the comedians were all in the back. I was literally like tears coming from my eyes laughing about this guy,

ranting about how his life sucks at the moment and murdering, you know. And then he comes off. He's like, man, that felt good. I'm like, yeah, no shit. I remember in 96, I was living. in Seattle. I didn't make much more. If I make 300 bucks a weekend, it was a lot of money, you know. I mean, I came home this weekend with about 180, and the stripper was waiting for me fucking open arms, right? And I think Sunday night, we hung out, but Monday we went food

shop. And then she came up with a phony 20 that I owed her. And then a phone bill came in. I was down to like three fucking dollars. Then she starts to fight with me. And I don't know what happened she's like get out as i'm getting out she's going to call the police so i got to run up to the fucking it's an open mic and i run to the old where am i'm going to go i go to the open mic at least do six minutes and i'll never figure i went up there and my first two jokes bombed i took it from there oh yeah somebody taped that for years i used to look at that tape and go what clicked that night it was what i was really angry about and i'm I remember every joke I told that.

I don't remember one of them. But everyone was a killer joke that I, after I saw the tape, like, it was one of those sets that I do and go home and never think about it. And the next day, some guy came up to me. He's like, bro, we taped that set last night. I go, I got to see that. It was like August, and I had like a winter jacket on.

Because she had ripped my other shirt off, so I had to take whatever was there. It was like, it was purple and yellow. I didn't know whether. In fact, I took that. set and put it on with a short film I did, the worst short film I ever did in my life in Boulder and sent it out to agents. Thinking back now, no wonder they told me no. It was horrible.

But that set, something about that set, I watched it over and over because the last four minutes, what was going on in my heart. You know, and I said something like, yeah, I dated a stripper, something about I show up with a bag of money, she's in love. all so I'm out of singles, something. She doesn't love me no more. And I just ripped into her

from the stage. I couldn't believe. Like, I destroyed that audience. And I had never done it like that with material. You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's when you start saying to yourself,

wait a second. I think the material sometimes is a little bit overrated in my head. And then you think you got it and the next day you think you're all... I think I'm too fucking in love with it. I ain't no fucking... The only reason I should be in love with this

is if I meant what's the guy? Pozo, Hozzo, if I wrote the Godfather or Whitten Tarantino, I don't have to love this shit. This isn't communists. I'm not to say these words. These were written two months ago in a situation. Well, unless you're a fucking idiot

and live at home, everybody has one situation that happens every day. You go out, they want to tow your car, you know. You go downstairs, the battery's dead. You go down and stay, they want to... You know, Lee, he's from Jewish. You know, it just... Happens every day.

But it is... I've noticed, like, with, like, established comedians versus, like, the open mic or... It's a difference between sounding scripted and sounding like you're actually just talking. I think that's... For sure. Absolutely.

And you learn how to get rid of that. It's like acting. You ever see a bad actor and a good actor? Yeah. It's a fucking hour. I told you to get that gun. And somebody comes in and goes, I just fucking told you to get that gun.

and you're like, what's that guy yelling about? Right. And he makes all those moves while he's saying it. This guy just came in and said, I told you, don't fucking play with that gun. That's it. That's how easy it is.

So, but it's interesting. Like I said, Austin has grown on me a lot. And 90% of it is the food. But the other thing is what I missed the most, all those years at the comedy store. Mm-hmm. For sure.

That was my life, guys. I never had a fucking life like that. You know, we're talking about going to games before the podcast. I haven't had an interest to go to a fucking football game in 25 years. You know, I get mad.

Like, I don't want to go to cheer for somebody. What I do for a living, I'm living for them to cheer for me. For those days, they're going to jump up and down for a band. That shit, I'll go, I'll stop, see three songs, and he's got the ukulele with the new songs. Let's abandon shit.

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Nobody wants to hear you new album. I want to hear when you were snorting coke and raping kids. That's the music we came here. The one song I came to sin and let me fuck my wife. Yeah, I got to sit there for three hours. Exactly.

And he's got to bring this one up. And Theo Vaughn comes out. You know what I'm saying? I don't need this shit my fucking world. So that's why I don't do that shit. We live about a fucking moment now with standups. I'm going to sit there and commit two hours to cheer for somebody. I don't give a fuck about, you know, like, honestly, what are we, 10?

Yeah. I don't give a fuck about this shit. I really don't. I care about being the funniest motherfucker I could be with clarity, because all I know is right now when I'm jumping up in this game, there's a motherfucker writing a joke, okay? Oh, yeah. Well, you're jumping out at the hockey game?

Oh, yeah. Double dating. There's a motherfucker writing a joke. Oh, yeah. There's a motherfucker putting a move, and he's going to, he's working. Yeah. He's working. So that's in my mind. And that energy to be around is important. It's important. No. That's why the mothership is exciting too because all these people want a piece of the pie and they keep you sharp, you know. Like one night you'll be like, yeah, I'll do one of these creative sets like we were talking about where you're like, I'll be myself.

And then Dylan Sullivan's ahead of you doing a bit that he's practiced for 80 times and it's so sharp. It's like a blade. And he's like doing murdering for 15 minutes. All those ideas that you had about being George. Carlin and like, oh, yeah, I'll explore. Out of panic. You know, when you go through your notes and you start going in your head, what's the opener, what's the closer? Fuck. But at the same time, as a comic, you're bombing,

we all have a streak as a comic that we might bomb. And it's on one, we'll have to sit down one night and go two nights this week, two nights the week before. And it didn't bomb what it mattered. Friday and Saturday we're fine, which is my bread and butter from my growth. It's those two sets at Red Band's play, the sunset or whatever like that.

You have to go out and get entertained. For sure. So don't ever... I don't mind you're going to get entertained after you did three sets of bombed. Listen, let's go. I'm with you. I watch those sets.

It's time for you to go get entertained. Let's go to a jazz ball. Let's see somebody live. but I ain't drop in 2000. I want to go see somebody and them doing a pretty much open mic of their songs or their music. George goes to that bar,

the guy with a guitar comes out, even that fucking Mo Moe. Watch him die or watch him like engage people go out. Why Nashville is so cool. Yeah. I'm not in a music person, but Nashville is super sick. You sit there and any music.

They have, you want to jump up and down with Kid Rock? You want to jump up and down with whatever, with jelly, Bean, you with this guy, whatever the fuck you want to jump up and down. You could jump up and down with Nashville. Yeah.

Is it different? Because for anyone who was watching didn't know, you obviously are on Kiltonia a lot. That, like, the anxiety of having like a minute on like a podcast that you know is going to get seen by that many people. Yeah, that you're doing like a, yeah. I mean, it's, it's just a program. It's the way the, you know, everyone's consuming now. So there's upsides and downsides.

Things are moving so fast that everyone's consuming, so there's more need to put shit out if you're up and coming. You just need to do it. All of these, like, I'm not a clip poster, but luckily Kill Tony does that for me. Right. But all those people, if you're not posting clips or you're not taking chance, it's very rough, you know. So that helped me. But the upside of things moving fast is when you bomb, that moves fast too. People forget.

People don't give a fuck. How badly can you bomb, you know? I had a buddy A guy I did open mics with on one of the ones in L.A. that bombed so bad I think he stopped doing stand-up. But he put it... Good.

He bombed and put it on his own website. Well, that was good for everybody then. Yeah, it wasn't it? You had to quit. But, like, it's... I could... There's a lot of people I know who... Oh, for sure. Pat. He just moved in.

Now he's a regular on Kill Tony. He's killing it from... from Worcester. But there's people I know from multiple places who moved to Austin, hoping to get on Kill Tony. And, like... I don't know. I can just imagine if you bombed that. Like, I'm going to kill myself. Well, at the end of the day, you have to be, it's another set.

I'm not going to quit. If you're thinking in your head that this matters so much that I might quit, quit already. I mean, like, because it's like, you just want to do a minute and get famous. Is that what you want? If you want to get better, though, you know, then if you're going to bomb, it's one of those days you're going to bomb. I always expect to bomb. It helps me mentally if I'm like, already like, fuck it, let it all burn down. If I'm gonna die, I'm taking, dude, I've already told Tony so many times, I'm like, dude, if I start bombing like four or five times in a row and my career is in the toilet, I'm gonna come out crazier.

Just so you know, I'm gonna say just to do something. Well, there's a such thing as a slump. Okay, and it may be anything. Let me tell you something. I just gave you $10 million last Friday to tape what you've been working on for the last two years. Okay? Mm-hmm. Now, you're smarter than that, but you're fucking,

of course, the agent, nah, no, go out next week and do the same material. Nobody's painted that. Mm-hmm, yeah. Okay, but you know that... I know, yeah. I'm done. Well, what are you going to go back up with?

Most people say, yeah, I put an hour down, but I have another one in the bank. Yeah, I saw your rival. You might as well light that on fire if the ones in the back. Because everybody's got an hour. I know. I just thought... Everybody got it out.

Oh, yeah, yeah. All right. So, you know, that's what you're looking at. That's what you're dealing with. Those first couple setbacks, it's fucking rape. I mean, it is. You have to stick to your guns. Worcgests an hour, do one fucking joke.

But you're not also booking yourself for an hour. It's 10 minutes at red bands, 12 minutes at red bands, just to get those first seven minutes. Now you got something to build with. Now you got something to melt with. to build with now. I don't give a fuck. But that first seven minutes, oh, God.

And you're allowed to use one thing that you put on your special or whatever fuck you did. And you stick to it. That's what it is to write new material. It's to put yourself against the wall. You know when you're on a diet and it's like the first couple days, you're like, you see a cookie. Like, oh, fuck, I want that cookie? Is that

what it's like? You're like, you just want to, like you want to say that one joke to get yourself on the bottom. You can't force yourself. Right. Don't go up there and go, Joey said in three sats. It's not going to be three sets. I'm just telling you to make yourself feel better. It's going to be seven or eight sacks. It was hard for you. You had me cut 20 minutes of my, of my, like, my jokes earlier this year or last year. And it did help. But the, like, there were a couple times I was pissed in myself. Like, fuck, this is where this goes. I don't know.

Oh, yeah. That's it. It's just making your force, you know, you're not living that life anymore. Why are you carrying that joke around? Oh, yeah, yeah. You're not even with these people. you're not around these people no more. You're carrying it around just to have material the headlines. I ain't mad at you. But when we're around us, get that fucking Billy go away from me. You know what I'm saying? It's it.

You have to learn when to put them in the fucking graveyard. Yeah, I've been having Liz Platt open for me for this tour. She's also met at the mothership. She's a door guy there. She's like a young Roseanne bar, I would say. You can hear her laugh on the first at Mitzis when you're in the green room. She's loud.

She's proud. She's like an up-and-coming killer. And with her, too, you know, sometimes I'll watch her sets. And I'll throw her a wrench, you know, into her plan, you know? Because sometimes I let her do 30 minutes. And I go, but you can't do that joke. And you can see, she's like kind of angry at me. That's seven minutes as much.

Like, how dare you say something like that? Which is fair. But I only say because I care. I mean, I don't give a fuck if you're not my friend. But if you're my friend, I don't like that joke you have. It's like a past joke. It's your first joke. You're already past that.

They're already six years into comedy. You're talking about cancer now. and shit. Don't do that silly ha-ha shit up top. You just do it because you're scared. Yeah, we're scared. And she knows it too. She's angry, but then she goes on stage. And then later she'll be like, you're right. Yeah, I feel

way better. I don't feel like a robot anymore, you know. I'm not trying to remember this past fucking horseshit. I remember when the mothership opened. I went down there. You came over. I shook your hand. You said some fucking tremendous things to me. I wanted to cry.

And I remember, like, going, what's this kid got to tell me this shit. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't need this shit right now. You know? And I went back the second time and I started watching you. I'm like, wow, this is crazy that he started another country and has to translate. You know what I'm saying?

Like you just... I guess, yeah. It's very hard. It's like me going somewhere. I know how to speak Spanish, but to do it now full fucking time and do material. That's hard. I mean, I had to give myself to the process. Yeah, it took time, you know, because I already did it in Estonia for so.

long that it's, that was who I was, who I was. You've been at the mothership now since at all. Two and a half years. Oh, that's it. Just two and a half. But I met you literally, yeah, maybe like my first month there, yeah. Yeah. That was a while.

You gave me, you, uh, I brought you on. I remember you gave me a nice compliment. Yeah, I was so, I was so gay about it that I even asked the mother. I never asked for tape, but I asked for that tape of bringing him up and his compliment just to keep, I'm not going to be an asshole. But it was huge for me, yeah, because you were a huge influence with your timing. And then, had that storytelling show the way you did those appearances i remember like being like so new to comedy

and just watching like how you would go so close to the microphone and you would talk really quiet then you would get loud yeah you had a crazy timing i remember you were those things we're talking about those things were on paper but just his thoughts not really what there was no there was a beginning there was a middle and there was an ending yeah Last week was it was on Joe's, and I told Joe that I started becoming more of a comic when I was less dependent on that fucking material. Because every room, every situation deserves different material, and you'll know it as you progress in your years.

And that's why I've always liked, and I always bring up Marlin fucking Brand on the Godfather. He didn't know the lines, but he knew the character. And once you know the character, the lines will blow out of your asshole. They'll sing. But if you focus on the fucking stupid jokes, you're going to go into the comedy store at 1045 after they've already heard five killers and their opinions. But because you believe and you're that selfish, you're going to die a slow death. Go up them be light.

They're going to love you even more. What's up, you bad motherfuckers? Harry Mada here scratching nuts and fucking people with passports up the ass and now you got it that's it you just ripped them apart

you have to break the mold you have to break the fucking mold and I learned going up at the store at midnight fucking midnight you got 18 people eight of them are broke three of them doing coke

three of them are there because they got to be and you at least want I got a fucking laugh but the two guys before you said everything from the news. I mean, yeah, it's over. Every Trump joke is done.

Everything is done. Tomorrow is going to be 82 in L.A. So whatever material you had that you thought was brilliant, you got to roll with them. What up, motherfuckers. Look at this black dude with the missing two. Where you've been all my life? And now you've got material.

Now you're going to a piece of your material. Mm-hmm. A piece of your material. Now you got four minutes. Ooh, that light's going to hack you. And there's only eight people. That means they might not even blink that light. Mm-hmm.

So I don't even know where I am tonight. Wow. They would just let you go? Yeah, because there's eight people. If four of them leave, there's no show. The comedy store required four people in the audience to do a show. They would just let you. That would give me anxiety.

Just let's not going to go off. Let's say it's too. Let's say it's 110 and you go up and there's eight people, they're going to ask for somebody to go up. And everybody's going to go, nah, except if you're Arimati or an immigrant. Like myself, you'll say, you're going to put me up at 10 to 2 and I got how many minutes? You got 10 minutes after the intro 9.

Fuck it. I waited all night. I might as well do my spot for three people. But Ari, if one of them gets up, you're not going to get paid. I don't give a fuck. And by the time you do get up, there's one. And now you're like, fuck it. Let me fuck with this motherfucker for nine minutes.

And guarantee the next day you listen to your stupid fucking tape recorder, there's going to be a little something on there. For sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that a lot, like, it's, I can't tell you how many shows I've sat in the back of the room, just freaking out, but just pissed off as people walk out. Because you start bombing with the performer, yeah, you're in the back, anger and anger.

Oh, in my head, I'm like, I would have been getting them here, and then by the time I get up, there's three people in their piss, and like they don't even, like, you were talking about just telling the truth. I did an open mic last week where I told a comic he was a, truly terrifying person. And like it was the, like, it was one of the scariest open mics that I've ever done. And, but I just, and like that, that actually got a laugh. But I was doing jokes that I've done and they can, like, just trying to like work something out. That's when you go darned you. Oh, yeah, that happens occasionally. You talk about hisbollah, whatever the fuck you want.

Hasbola. Whatever the fuck. I don't know. Hisbola. Whatever the fuck. I don't know. Hasbola. I love it. You got them going. You start some drama. Why not? You start. You start Has anyone ever attacked you on stage? Not since I was an open micer. Really? Yeah. Who attacked you when you were an open micer? I'm 52, Denver, Colorado, 1995.

The dude was flipping. We were beer cans. With beer cans. Oh, Jesus. Oh, shit. What did you say? He was flipping everybody. Oh, yeah.

So the other guys took him. And another guy were flipping people with the bubble caps. And they were saying shit, they were heckling the comics. And at that time, I was going through a horrible fucking divorce. They wouldn't give me my kid. I lived in a basement, you know. Yeah, I had a car and shit that you had to close with a bungee court. So the car wouldn't open up when I made a fucking right-hand turn.

Come on, Doug. Who admits this shit? That was me back then. But comedy is it. Comedy was everything. I didn't care about the car I had. I didn't care if I had to sit on the engine. As long as it got me, I have to take a bus from Boulder to Denver.

And fucking, I remember there was a headline and a feature. But before that, the guy would put up like six open micers. Yeah. And by the fifth one, I'm like, these motherfuckers are being fucked up. And it was no stage. You were just there. And they were there. There was no stage.

Oh, yeah. There was no fucking stage with nights and coming to the stage. And security. It's you. Yeah. There's none of that shit. Some guy goes up, hi. Welcome to Club 52.

This is comedy night. I'm going to keep it going for you. I'm going to bring up your host. Fat Jack. The fat Jack comes up. He's, how you doing, guys? You're enjoying that six minutes of death. And then some other guy comes up

that's a magician. And that's slow death because if they don't buy that shit in Arvada. That place was like Arvada. Then it was somebody else. And then I started noticing the bottle caps. And I went up and then I go, hey, I'm just letting you know, I'm not in the fucking mood.

First battle cap I see we're going to have a problem. And I didn't even say problem. And they threw a bottle cap. But I was smarter than they did. I had to make them come to me. If I went to them, then I would have fallen into them. And then they just pull you up like Ron Artes and the malice in the palace. And they got you.

You know what I'm saying? But I said something like, your mother sucks dick or something. And the one guy got up and as he got up, they had a microphone with a stand. I never figured I picked up the stand. and he hit him in the head with the microphones. It was one of those microphones that had batteries in him. And the bat blew up. And I hit the other guy.

You hit the other guy too? Why not? You're one of them. Oh, my God. I mean, yeah. My point. Don't fucking heckle us, man. Did the show continue?

Yeah, oh, yeah. And here's the funny thing. The headliner was a great guy. You know, he was a neighborhood comic. Years later, this was 95. maybe 97 in Seattle. I got a call to do. Harvey's in Portland, Oregon.

And I asked the guy out of the thing, and he goes, I go, who am I opening for? And he goes, you're opening for, I forget what his name was, guys. You're opening up for that guy. And I go, oh, I love that guy. He goes, yeah, he said some interesting stuff about you too.

So when I get to the gig, I get him a hug, the whole thing. And he goes, you're not going to hit nobody before I go on stage, right? Because that's what happened. Wow. The two dudes. But he always liked me and respected me today. I always respected you for that. Because those guys are going to do it to me

and I was going to hit him an head with a bottle. One thing that never ends is a comedy night. Because comedians are such selfish assholes. Whatever happens, we got to keep it going. I was in Vancouver one time. Same thing. I mean, it's Sunday night, 12 o'clock open mic. I'm number 46.

We're all doing three minutes. Everyone's leaving. It's like a gang bar. And some guy heckles, and then he got shot outside. And the ambulance comes. He got like shot. He got into it with somebody in the crowd. They both went outside.

You heard gunshots. And then he was bleeding all over the play. I mean, a lot of red, dark, red blood. And we're taking a... And the host goes on and goes, all right, guys, we're going to take a break after you know a gunshot. Because we all want to get up. I've been waiting here for three hours. Let me go, fuck.

Let the ambulance come. Let's wait. Let's put a few songs on. And, you know, I'll go up first. Give me seven instead of three. I need the extra four just to address the murder. Didn't that happen to you? Not shooting, but like one of your early Gotham show,

someone got beat up in his friend's date or something? Well, the women were throwing chairs at each other. Oh, my God. I was the one show at Gotham. I was downstairs. It was like before you, and then you still did the show? No, the show was over. Oh, the show was over at that point.

The show was over. When I left, I went down, and people were downstairs, we were eating cold cuts. And all of a sudden, Dean Delray comes down. and they goes, Joey, you got to see this. We just went up the stairs and we were like, oh shit. Because I walked up, I seen a woman grab a chair and throw it at the husband and her girlfriend.

Jeez. Went out of a movie, but no, nothing. That was the only time. And he was like bleeding out there while we're taking a break, we're smoking joints, her was thinking of their next set. And you stayed out who were out there with him? I mean, we looked at that. We watched the whole thing, of course, yeah.

And then I love, and then I roasted a guy who's, at that point, maybe I was like seven years in, he was at least 20 and he always does the same eight. I mean, one of it is literally like a Kermit the Frog and our Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation. You know, one of these guys? And I remember he goes up first. He goes up first.

And there's literally the smell of blood in the air still from the guy getting shot. And he goes straight into Kermit the Frog. And I look at my friend, I go, what needs to happen for you to drop the set? Like, holy shit, we just witnessed the murder and ambulance. gang violence and he were still, hey, Kermit. The crowd did too.

And he just bombed and he was like, that was a rough crowd. Yeah, no shit. I've had a 420 show with the guy that had a stroke in the audience. The ambulance had to come during the feature act and pull the guy out, but his friend stayed.

Oh, yeah. Listen, you have a spot in the city today. I don't want to keep you here. I have to do the comedy seller for the first time. I'm auditioning. I haven't done that in a while too, huh? Don't knock them fucking dead. Wait, what time is it? What time is it?

7.30. Yeah, I'm okay. But if you guys want to end it, we can end it, of course. No, no, no. I just don't want to have fucking... No, don't worry about it. There might be traffic. The World Cup was here this week. You know, these people, they jump over a border, all of something, they got cars. You know what I'm saying?

You never know this? That's true. They jump over a border and now fucking... They destroyed New Jersey this week. And they had it in Philadelphia. Right in between. and I had softball games in Philadelphia. Oh, wow.

With my daughter. Oh, yeah. You should have seen it Saturday night. Why, I don't know. I have lived down there for five years. Every night I smoke a number. I park on the nine. I call him.

I call him. I call him. I smoke. I listen to music. You could fucking take your dick out. Nobody would even stop. I call it like every seven minutes. Mm-hmm.

Saturday night, guys, you would fucking die. No accident, no nothing. They were like, bro, something's going up north. It's fucking backed up for hours. Yeah. It's the Guadalajara crew, you know. Yeah. Right?

Nobody's got a car. And all of a sudden, now. Imagine New York, it was that Pride Week and the Puerto Rican Day Pride was yesterday. Yeah, the Puerto Rican one was good. Oh, my God. And now they do this shit on purpose, just to fuck with you. Again, I stay home. The Puerto Rican parade parade was on ABC.

Yeah. I watched it for about eight minutes. They closed down the whole street. I was, all I needed was some bananas. Yeah. And, you know, some Mavi and shit like that. And I would have been jumping up and down with the Puerto Ricans. Yeah, but don't get me started.

I walked through the Puerto Rican parade. The Puerto Rican women, they cat called me. I haven't been. Oh, yeah, they like that white boys. Yeah, yeah. They call me vanilla. Listen. They call me sweet vanilla.

And I was like, damn. They were like checking me out wrestling at me. Those Puerto Rican chicks, they don't even suck your dick. They pick your nutsack up. And they stick your tongue between your ass on that little nuts. And they just wear. wiggle it. And all of a sudden, you're giving them immigration cards where your grandmother lives.

You're doing everything. With her, we're at the same position, sweetie. Yeah. The fucking grandmother moves in. Now you knock her up. Wow. Now you knock the cousin up too, because you might as well give the cousin to. Now you got a baby mama and your girlfriend knows, but she don't give a fuck about the baby

mama as long as you pay her her child support first. But then comes the grandmother. You know, she likes to get her head done every week for $40. 40, Joey, that was 1978. It's 250. You'll be on the road to you die. You know what I'm saying? So better yet, stay away. Don't get,

bro, I don't care. I just saw something about a week ago that was an algorithm and a dude was talking about dating Cuban women. And he was on the money. He goes, listen, white guys go. Don't get involved.

It's not for you. They will fucking destroy you. you. She goes, we grew up with mothers that are Cuban. We could barely handle it. They'll smack you. They'll take your car. This guy was dropping knowledge about human women. I'm fucking dying. And it's true. These are the guys they go for, nice white dudes. Next time you see him, yeah. He'll be sucked out. So what, you've been having on their ship on the weekends? Monday from Friday. I'm the fucking fucking the train of life. life and fucking, I come home, I give my check and they put me right back on the road, bro.

I haven't eaten in weeks. But New York, last night I had some of you, I'm 34 years old, I've never had this happen. Last night, classic New York City style. I check into my hotel. I go to watch UFC at a bar or something. I'm at the elevator. Like a nice girl walks in, I compliment her dress, you know. You know, it's a beautiful dress.

she says thank you you want to have my number too okay I take the number and I just go for a walk and then she starts texting me you know I'm at the room to finish your little gay game or whatever the fuck you're watching men wrestling and then come to the room and she starts sending me like nude pictures I was scared to go but it was like

I've never had that happen nice girl too not like a lunatic it happens to me every three days yeah New York yeah that never happened to me dog the fuck am I I'm just saying oh he's like never happened to me before What do you think it happens to me every two nights? I'm in Austin, Austin, like here's a picture. I mean, I don't know.

I'm not in New York story. There's always... Bro, I wouldn't even know how to add drop. I'll have my leg up. Fucking, I don't even know how to add drop. The pictures and everything, yeah. Herbendova and everything, you know, asses out. And right now she's watching this podcast going,

I just wanted to give me a little nippy nu-nu. Yeah. Because they know you're from out of town, so they don't give a fuck. They don't give you a VD. You take it back to Althanium, wherever the fuck you're from. bit. You don't realize until you get on the plane, my dick is swollen. I got leakage out of my eyebrows.

Yeah, those women love from you're from out of town. That's the whole thing. She's from out of town. She was at the same hotel? Yeah, and she, her name was Catalina, and she was like Spanish or something. Oh, yeah, that's it. They definitely got something. I hope you didn't come in them.

No. Because they got that 23 in me that got in their own room now. They do it right. Latino women. put it in a cup, put it in the computer. They type it into the Latina fucking Holf Association, and there comes your picture, boom. Yeah, but then

what happens to me, I get citizenship now because I'm a baby daddy, that's not too bad either. But knowing my luck, I'll literally come in a Cuban girl, and we're both on Cuba. We're both waiting for the U.S. military to show up. Before you know it. You're going to end up with a nice Spanish woman. Oh, my God. And you love it. Who doesn't?

I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, they're aggressive. You know, I'm never been cheated like that. I've never been treated like that. You're going to rip their panties off and eat them right in front of them. Really? Just ripping them and go patis. What? And they cook good food too, right?

In the morning and then lick your nuts out. It's a party. Jesus. It's a party, whatever you want to do. You're a young guy. You can still do this shit. Wow. Me and George have to think about this and fucking go to sleep.

Nikki's married. My boy over here is married. So we're both dead. Three of us are dead. I would feel like you get hit on a lot. Do you have a lot of women who, or is it just creepy dudes who come up to you? It's only creepy dudes who want to talk about Joe.

That's all I get. At the weirdest thing. Every man. And I see him. I see him. They're always Jack. They're at the comedy. They always got the affliction shirt with the V-neck.

You know, there's some other drag. There's like a sparkling dragon. As soon as I see the sparking dragon, I know he's going to talk about Joe. I thought I was the only fucking idiot that those idiots followed. Oh, no. Dude, I get, it's all...

I got it at the airport. Yeah? Last, on the way out of Newark, I got it. At, uh, what's that shit? You know, where you, whatever the fuck. Baggage cream? Walked out. No, the other way on the way out.

Whatever. Security. Where you give the luggage and the ID. These two idiots came up, right up to... On the way out to Austin. Like in the airport. Hey, where's Joe Rogan? I'm like, are you retarded?

Are you fucking retarded? It's 11 in the morning, 9 the morning in Newark. And you're asking me with Joe Rowe. You see him? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's four of us on the line. It's embarrassing. I had a guy give me like a picture book.

It was like a picture book. And it was a picture book about his cousin who's in prison and he's on death penalty and he wants Joe to save him. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, really, really. The book tells all about his lifestyle. But then the best part is me and a son. Al-A-Mah, a son of mother, at the mothership.

We're going through this book, the guy gave me. And we get to the final page. The date that we received the book already past his death sentence. Fuck him. Your cousin's been dead for two months. Joe ain't going to save shit. It's too late. You know how many times you go to a restaurant?

You have a nice meal. Everything's great. On the way out, some guys are like, hey, man. To Joe Rogan, I got this new protein potter coming. I'm going to deliver it to them. And you're like, great. Great. Yeah.

Sure you are. Like, and you, you know, you want to help people. You really want to help everybody you can to, you know, in any way you can. But some people just, hey, man, tell Joe, I'm inventing this new thing for brain damage. Sure you are. Look at you. You have two different shoes, them. And you're renting something for brain damage.

damn, sure you are. Look at you. You just were talking to yourself. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. With two pair different pair of shoes on. That's what I need in my fucking world. It is insane.

But sometimes I'll be at midseason and Tony's the end of too and people want to meet Tony too, you know, he's a big star. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, but what I always do to Tony. When guys come to me, they're like, can I meet Tony? I go, you know what he loves? Just interrupt him and hug him. Just go at him.

I always send him out. And then I watch in the back with a son. It's always a guy. Just goes up straight. Tony, it just grabs him. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What the fuck do you think you're doing? You're touching an icon.

And they're just standing there and Tony Gertr? You're touching a piece of history. How dare you? You know, and he just goes at these guys and they're all, and they come back. They're like, oh, I guess you didn't like it. Oh, I never thought about that. I could have sent so many people to you.

Oh, I always go, hug him. Yeah. One time I was in the crowd, some guy was in the front row. He was like, I just want to see Joe wrote. All he kept saying is, I just want to see Joe. I'm like, what do you do for work? He's like, I just want to see Joe Roke. And I go, and then I know Joe's coming up later.

So I go, you know what? When you see Joe, just attack him. He loves it. He loves a hug. Because I know the Navy SEALs are there fucking ready to shoot. Just attack him. Fuck. Those Navy SEals would love.

Yeah, yeah. I was there one night where everybody was not fucking busy. It was one of those. This had to be about six or seven months ago. Everybody was there. It was one of those Tuesdays or Wednesdays. We were reminding me of the old school store before the pandemic. The guitar player was there.

Shane was walking around like nothing. And people were torturing him. People were tort. I just sat there and loved it. There were so many people in there. I just sat in a mid-teas thing. And Shane is a sweetheart. There's a sweetheart.

And they'll attack you. They'll keep going. Shane will say, and then what, yeah. And then what? He's such a nice guy. He'll literally say,

and then what, then you'll tell another seven-minute story with no fucking delivery. Yeah, they torture. He's such a sweetheart. Yeah,

one time he was standing next to him and a guy like really wanted to take a picture with him. And me and Shane are having a good time, just maybe a beer or something. We just did sets.

I mean, they were all right, you know, we're talking about comedy or whatever. And then a guy comes up to Shane and goes like, yeah, yeah, you know,

my life, like, I have to move out of here, because my wife has said that she's suicidal and wants to leave me. So I just lost the job. And, you know, it keeps going on how it's like. And Shane is like, yeah, yeah, eight minutes. I mean, and then just ruins the vibe and walks off.

And you're like, Jesus Christ, what do you think was going to happen, you know? I had a chick one night just telling me about an orgy. Oh, well, that's, I like that. She wouldn't shut the sheet. She was with a guy. They're together. And, like, when we take a picture? No, you guys wouldn't tell them.

There was nobody there. I was there alone for like an hour. And they were like, come on, have a drink with us. We saw you in the first. Okay, why are you doing? And also, I'm like, how long are you here for? They were from some fucking country. He had just come to pick her up.

But she had been there for one of those visas, and she stayed in Austin. And she was there for an orgy. Like she told me right out. It was like a 30-day orgy. 30-day or like 60 miles out of fucking out of Austin. 30-day or-old. I don't know.

Who wants to fuck for 30 days? I don't know, but those people out there. I don't know. They're out there. That's just to let you know. They're right there. Maybe they'll come bump into you someday in Austin and say, come out to the ranch.

You get out there and they just herds a herds of people fucking. Yeah, I had one time, I was a bartender. I had a also like married couple, late 40s. I was like 23 years old, you know, wearing tight pants, just jumping around this bar. Yeah, jumping up and jumping up in. down and then and then, yeah, this old couple,

like late for, I mean, at that point, you're 23. Somebody late 40s, you might as well be my grandma, you know? Yeah. But they were still like, you could see their fucking, and they came like three days in a row, and it got weird and weird, and they always wanted to be served by me.

And then on the third day, they dropped it. It was like an envelope with 500 bucks in it. And he's like, if you just fuck the shit out of her all night, I'll give you cocaine for free. you as much booze as you want. Take this 500. Just fuck the shit out, man. Don't ask any questions.

Just keep fucking her. Even if I say no, punch me, punch her. Piss on us. Have fun, you know? Just take a, like, just be brutal. And she kept saying, you can handle it, can't you, big boy?

She kept calling me big boy. But I was so scared. So I go to my friend Andre, he's like a Russian Coke. I didn't do Coke. I've never done Coke. So, and he's a big Coke head, old school bartender.

He's also in his late 40s. I'm 23. This is my job. to move on in life. This is his last job, you know. And I go to him. I go, you know, they offered me 500. And Andre is like, in like a heavy Russian accent.

He's like, maybe they can fuck me. Maybe I fuck. And I'm like, okay, I'll go over. So I go over to the table. I point at the bar. I'm like, my friend Andre wants to fuck. And then the guy's like, ah, okay, we got to talk about it. So then I go back to Andre.

I'm like, I don't think they're into it. So they have a meeting. And then I go back. They go, okay, 300 for Andre. And then they go, about a thousand if you come to. So then Andre goes, just does coke all night and she fucks the shit out of this lady. Next day I come to the bar, he's got like a glassy look in his eyes, you know, all night of coke. And now he's all hung over and shit.

And he's just drying the glass, like, traumatized. I go, how was the night? He was like, it was brutal. He said that when he was making out with her, he could already smell her pussy, like how bad it's going to be. And he was just, and he went to the bathroom, did some coke, just. And then started just. And he was in the corner. just in a dark corner, just beating off the whole night.

What do you think it was the like... And he kept saying, call me a faggot and stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah. So you got to bang this fucking ugly whale while this guy's... While this guy... You got to bang this fucking... Like, who's the faggot here? Yeah, you're going to bang this eclipse of a woman.

You're looking for this hole for fucking 18 minutes. You're creating holes. And then you look over in the corner and these beady fucking smegal eyes. Oh, no. Only a faggot. Jesus Christ. That's a rough night. You know, that's a rough night.

So where are you at this weekend? I'm going back home to Estonia, actually, for the summer, a little holiday. Yeah, I'm off tour now. It's a month. Okay. I need to remember who I am for us, so I need to go back to my little nest. When you come back to Austin in August? July.

I'll be there in July. It's nice and huh. Hot as fuck, huh? How is fuck, Jack. Damn, it's hot. But you know what's good in Austin? And that air don't move. But you know what's good in Austin?

the air conditioning. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's world-class. They'll shoot somebody before the air conditioning goes out. Jesus Christ. I went to eat sushi. I had a well-like,

I had to borrow a jacket from the fucking waiter. I'm like, how cold is it here? Dude, I've had the sniffles for two years in Austin because they keep going sweaty as fuck

into a movie theater and it's 63. Wow. Air conditioner is good day. Yeah, you step into Uber in Austin, that guy's got the fans are so loud. You don't hear the music.

No. And he's called. I landed the other day when an Uber and the guy wouldn't fucking put on the, not an Uber, a cab. He wouldn't put the heater. Oh, fuck that. I told him, you got to put fucking air conditioner on, pal. It was 1002 when I landed. This motherfucker's like, you get in the car, it's a steam back.

Uh-huh. What's the matter? You're supposed to keep the car on. I would kill for air conditioner. I'm in the city. Like, I'm in subway stations this week at 100 degrees humid, no, and then you get on the train and that car doesn't have air conditioning? The subway is brutal. Yeah.

Even the rats got fan, those little fans. You ever look at them there sitting there with a little fan, and there you are sweating fucking bullets. Listen, man, keep in touch with me. I'm one of your biggest fans. You're a good man. When he said you were in town, I was really happy. You guys are like such a fun podcast.

It's definitely an honor to be on. I mean, today we're getting, look at the shape of Lee. He's on his way. Oh, you got spots, right? I got spots. No, he's talking about animals. Oh, okay, okay. That's why I don't usually book Monday nights.

Wow. But Joey, please come to Austin all that. You know, everyone like adores you there. Really? Everyone loves you in Austin. You gotta come to Austin. I mean, Lee's got to go. You all got to come to Austin.

No, dog, listen, I really enjoy New Jersey. But I like what I'm building in Austin, little by little. When I go down there, it just gives me a little bit more feeling of the comedy store. You know, I'm used to that. Seeing everybody, I don't have to be there every night. And that's what's good about Austin. You can move around. You go to Voltron.

You go to Falcon. Creep in the cave. Whatever the fucking... Yeah. Oh, yeah. You can move around. The creep in the cave. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. That's a very different. But I love Rebecca. Oh, she's a legend. That's my girl. I haven't been... I called it twice. She didn't answer.

Rebecca's there all the time taking up. So, you know, I love everything about Austin. The restaurants are getting better and better. The stakes are phenomenal and waste well. I go get my fucking world change. Maybe if I could stay alive an extra month, the fucking whoop doesn't know I had knee surgery. So because I can't walk 7500 steps, it's got me at 65 years old. And that's not right.

I was, I had a down for like 61 and eight months. I'm like, I'm doing pretty good before the surgery because I'm moving around. I can't move around with this bump fucking leg right now. Damn, whoop is talking shit. Who? Whoop is talking shit. Yeah. And every day, like, oh, you did a great on this job, 14.3.

Today, Lipton. But you're still low on steps. you're going to fucking be 88 by next week. You know what? Go fuck yourself, fool. Lee, where you at this week? This week I'm in Cape May. It's called the Bees Knees Club.

Okay. And next Wednesday, no, not this Wednesday, but next Wednesday night, the 24th, we're at the Brooklyn Improb and Harrisburg. Fucking tremendous club. Williamsburg. It's nice and small.

200 seats. What the fuck? Williamsburg. I'm sorry. Look, I'm like 800 milligrams in. I started this party right after fucking PT today. I had a stiff leg. Someone's in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania looking for the club.

Listen, don't worry about it. Just the improv, Brooklyn, Williamsburg. That's it. Right around the corner from Peter Lugas. You like that room? I'm going there. I think I was going to go there tomorrow. It's a great fucking room.

I'm going to check out that top secret too. I've heard that's good. Yeah, take a leave with you. All right, top secret. I love your cock suck. See you next week. Stay black, Jack.