Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Ari Shaffir Returns!

Episode Date: April 20, 2026

The triumphant return of Ari Shaffir to The Church of What's Happening Now for a special 420 episode! Ari and Joey are their usual wild selves talking getting Joe Rogan drunk on stage, their shared love of torturing people,  and battling as a comedian.   Show Notes Order a bouquet of roses & get another bouquet free @ http://1800Flowers.com/JOEY Support the show and get 20% off your first Lucy order with code CHURCH at https://www.lucy.co/CHURCH

Kick this motherfucker, me oldie. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's the church of what's happening now. What is it? New Testament. New Testament. It's Monday 420, so if you got them, spark them. You know what I'm saying?

It's a beautiful day to be alive. We got my man Ari Shafir, the world fucking traveler. Buddy, I haven't seen you in so long? I know. We got a little, you know, the Jewish fucking bomb of death. A what? The bomb of death. That's another new one.

tour, bro. I want to call Netanyahu's Hitman. Oh, I like it. All we're going to get is, bro, that tour would sell. The Hitman tour? I want to do it. Netanyahu's Hitman. Me and three Jews.

We're going to leave out one market, but. Me and three Jews. I like it. I like it. The protests will sell us tickets. We could do arenas. You would like to get protested? Yeah, then people know.

As long as I'm making money. As long as it works out, Joey Dia is at this place. Listen, all I know is this, and George was there with me. 71, whatever, 87, 88. Brian Bosworth was the most hated man in the world. Right. And he got those fucking masks. When you went to a stadium, you bought $10 for this mask that said,

I hate Bosworth or his face or whatever. One day, one of the announcers goes, look at these people. They all have the Bosworth, like we hate you. Yeah. But Bosworth owned the company. Right, but times were different. That's really fucking smart.

They're selling tickets. They're making all the announcements on all the blogs. Like Joey Diaz performing, we got to get down there. Where and when? 7.30 p.m. on Friday. You're organizing the protests? Yeah. We're going to get one.

We're going to get, fucking, and that's exciting. Then we'll do the show in the park. That's right. We'll just, the show's been canceled. Fuck it. Refunds, but we're doing it in the park. And then one day, Obama goes off. And then CBS talks in.

Some lady from, I'm here with Netanyahu's hip, man. I don't know what that means. That's something. fucking prize act guy. That is a great name for a tour. That's a fucking great tour. Let a bomb the place. It'll open the doors, free tickets.

And there ain't no way we're going to not sell tickets. We're not going to get boycotted. It's freedom of speech. People could do whatever the fuck they want. It's the people that are going to understand the abortion people. Right.

Those chubby ladies that already had three abortions, now they've got to move on to hating Jews and shit. You know what I'm saying? They're going from abortions to hating Jews? We'll give out free abortions. We'll get them all. It's like last week I saw that fucking thing

in Austin. They hated everybody. Who? Who? What? I saw this. I'm leaving the Thompson. Yeah. And you know, you got to walk up to the 6th Street and make a left. I'm right. And as I'm starting to walk, I got the edibles in me and shit. And I'm hearing, pocket, ding, gink, get the, I'm telling guitars. Everything is off tune. Everything's off tune. And I look up and it's coming down that hill. Just fucking boom, boom, boom, bum drums, bunch of dirty white people. 50, 60 of them at tops.

They didn't even have that much support. But it was funny because they had a big banner. Israel must be bombed. Stop the bombing in Iran. They're still talking about Palestine. They hate Cubans. Nobody gives a fuck about Ukraine anymore. It wasn't even.

No, no, no. Ukraine's done. Dog, it's so many things. It's not me, Crane. It's Ukraine. It's just our society. We just go from week to week. That's popular.

Look, you have not heard of that fucking cunt's mother. She's dead. All right? Dead. I told you this six weeks ago on this fucking podcast. The Today Show host, whose mother was missing. Dead! And nobody gives a fuck.

Every once in a while on World News, they get like, oh, an amazing, whatever. Up date. They found, like, a paper bag. Listen, she's dead. What the fuck are you waiting on? Can you imagine being at home with a picture of your mom? Now, listen. somebody's got to come over and go, listen, it's over.

Just pull the plug, go to Social Security, get your checks. She's done, eight weeks, nine weeks, ten weeks. Yeah, exactly. But she's just going to walk right back. Oh, I missed the train. No. She's dead. Some Mexicans got her in the ass.

She's probably in one of those raffles in Mexico. Yeah. Like those, if you're like 60-year-old, she's walking around. Oh, fuck. They got like Stallone's daughter and fucking in Rambo, the final fucking countdown. What do you think? Young guys don't go there for some old Mexican twat. Fucking thing is busted open.

It looks like a fucking one of those coconuts on. From those umbrella motherfuckers in L.A. Yeah. What do you think they do with these old people? What do I think I fucking, I don't even want to go on that. I never once thought they did that. What? I never thought they brought them to brothels.

Old men brothels. Like old people don't want to fuck a young girl. That's a young girl to them. Yeah. They're fucking. years that are dying a fucking 60 year old. That fucking side of salami opens up. It looks like a fucking,

fucking missile from hitting the fucking snatch. There's no obscene island anymore. They got to go to the black market. And the curtains drip. After 50, the curtains drip. That noodle drips. It's like they took the rod out of the fucking curtain. That's the fucking thing.

Like, it don't work anymore. Yeah, so it's a whole different avenue here. All balls drop. What do you think happens to that pussy? I never thought about it. It drops. Oh. ugly dragon.

Like our balls drop. And it's cleaner than ever. Once I get to 50, that pussy's clean. There's no more condoms, no more Arab dick at the fucking 7-Eleven. It's just straight up. Aren't condoms good? Huh? Aren't condoms good?

No, because they leave film inside the monkey. They fuck a monkey up. You ever go down on a girl and it smells like a condom? And you're like, where is she? Where to fuck? What cologne does she have? Rubber. Condom?

What the fuck is this shit? Oh my God. What else? What's going on? I know your storyteller show came out last week. Like a motherfucker. So I did do it all my shit myself. Again, as always.

Yeah. Nothing changes. Yeah. I don't know. Back in America, just found out about this lady, Kathy Gifford's mom. You just found out? Legitimately right now.

Good for you. It don't matter. Yeah. She's dead. I was like, what? Dead. I didn't know she was alive. No, she's dead.

I found that she was alive just as I'm finding out she's dead. And we're all going to find out this year what really happened. Guthrie came home. She called a suck on a dick. Something happened. The own daughter stabbed her in the neck. And she's on TV with the picture of the old hag. Give me a fucking break.

She got it locked up in the basement. Look, listen, I'm 63. I've told every story. Yeah. And I've heard every story. So as soon as you hear it, you just, this is the same shit. It's hard to disappear now.

Like, isn't it crazy? Like, there's so many cameras. It's so crazy how people fucking disappear. This is what I've always thought about. Because Arizoned agree with me. Okay. And no disrespect to nobody in this fucking planet. Let's talk about the Italian mom.

The biggest bunch of dummies you ever saw in your fucking life, okay? All right? Because I know you hate this shit too, okay? They were burying bodies and nobody ever caught him. until they started ratting on each other. And it's right out here in the sea caucus, a little lie. You put them in there. You fucking bury them.

I got a place in Seacococcus. I could drop ten motherfuckers off. And then I'm going to find you because nobody goes in those bushes. If you go on those bushes to bring a body, you're going to get bit by something. It's like law and order. The first two minutes is like they're in Central Park. Go further out. You're a fucking idiot if you leave Central Park.

But you killed them in Central Park. I can't see you putting up a stiff on your neck. I'm walking to the Hudson River. But... Let the tide take it. You think about that. And people get caught all the time now with stupid shit. Sammy the Bull.

I don't know how many people he buried. Take your cell phone with you. Mistake. Take the cell phone out of his pocket. Burry him alive. You got to make sure they don't come out of that grave. Yeah. That's why they shot that dude and good fellas.

Ah, Jimmy. Jimmy. Bah, pa, pa. They shot him like eight fucking time. Oh, they stabbed them, too. Yeah, they put the Malook on them. They don't want to come back. And all you got to do is stab, bro, this is why I love narcos.

Narcos blew it open with the violence. The episode of Mexico, episode two, when... Season two? The fucking government goes after one of the families. And the two guys, the two little short guys on the show, are like, fucking... We're killing the government. And then he set up a fucking bash. That was brilliant.

And the government came. He had a wedding and the government came and these two guys were there with guns out. The guy said, tell your fucking bulldogs. And one guy pulled out a gun, he was like, listen, he goes, today you try to pull a move on me. You went to their house because the envelope was light and you shot their family. Well, today we gave you another light envelope. And let me tell you what happened. Again, you sent your bulldogs.

But this time, we were ready for them. And he goes, specifically the guy that killed his family. He took him, dog. He fucking hit him in the stomach with a crowbar, shot him in the knee, and then threw him in a hole, and just started throwing dirt on them. Oh. And you stabbing them one lung, so they really got to,

that's it. And you just throw dirt, you bury them alive. The deep jungle. How would you bury them alive? Huh? Why would you leave them alive? Because they ain't getting out of there if I shoot you in the knee. You're not crawling out of there.

Oh, you mean why not just kill them? Yeah. Make them suffer. What they did. You're not walking out of there either. You're going to blow. Huh, huh, hoo, huh. And that's it.

You got to be really mad at someone to bury him alive. Yeah. You got to be extra mad. And you wouldn't be anxious at all? Like, I'm wondering if he was somebody, like an ambulance drove by. Like, when you're going. When you're going, you're going, okay? That's why I love the, a movie everybody should watch at least once if they're into filmmaking.

Yeah. Is the godfather. Because there were so many little things they got right. When Michael goes in that bathroom, he pulls the gun out. you here. I can train. Let me tell you something. I was a George one day, right?

And George told me where his neighbor lived and I kicked the door down. When you kick a door down, all that's beautiful on TV. But when you kick a door down and you go in there, everything is heightened, bro. You go deaf. Your adrenaline gets so high that you go deaf. At one point, you just hear,

B, because, and your heart's just going. Your heart's just going. The adrenaline's got you. You go deaf. During all those things, you go, I mean, like, you have C fighters in the beginning. They don't hear the fucking audience. I couldn't run. I was playing basketball I couldn't hear anything. No, you did you change for you and you're like, I didn't know.

I didn't know because your mind takes you somewhere. It's called a fight of flight, all right? But the same thing when you do a crime. If I got you in the trunk of my fucking car and I got to drive you to sea caucus, you know, that's got to be anxiety like a motherfucker. And then I got to pull over, pick up your chubby juet. Now you added 100 pounds in water when you die So it's me by myself pulling you

You land, I got to dig you And then I got to leave you there Dig Put somebody because you don't want to take somebody Because that's two dudes with a secret Right So you got to dig it You gotta dig that fucking hole

You better dig that when they shot spider You better dig this fucking hole So I just think about it You thought a lot about killing people Yeah my God You have a plan I had an ex-wife. I had a stepdad.

That was a motherfucker. And I used to plan shit. Like, I do co-bes. It's a good way to escape. It's like, how would I really do it? Let yourself believe it. Like, how would I get rid of the body? How would I take them?

That's the truth. I mean, it's just, listen, I don't think I could chop a body up. Okay. Like those animals in Brooklyn did, the DeMeo crew. I can't chop a body up. So what are your other options? Take them to the woods. Listen, man.

Trunk. Right? Right? Something really bad to you. Cut you off and try. They raped your sister. No. Worse.

They touched your niece. Something that the court's never going to solve that problem. Yeah, they're going to get the guy time, but the damage that that motherfucker did to your child or your wife or your cousin. And now what? Now what? So now you've got to time yourself. You got to give yourself a three-year window and drive by his house once a year and throw a firebomb just to remind them. And then one day on the way to work, just scoop them up, shoot him.

And the guy was involved in other, all those people were involved in other shit. So you're not really going to be looked for three years later. You think it'll be like someone else might have done it. He was involved in anybody. Anything could have happened. Yeah. Anything could have happened. He was involved in drug dealing.

Whatever the fuck he was involved in, you know, it's scary. And, dog, I was at a point in my life where in 1994 to 95, my mind, I'll even add 93 to that. The tail end of 93, all are 94 and half a 95. I went to sleep thinking about murdering somebody. And that's not a good situation. And I remember one day I just broke down because of what I was carrying. I wanted to kill this bitch.

I wanted to slice a tongue out. I was going to tie it to a tree and rub her with honey. The ex? Yeah, because the bears get you in Colorado. There's no fingerprints. There's no DNA. Like I said last night on stage, they leave an elbow, and the elbow don't got a vent on it.

So they just throw it back. They just throw it back, nice and chewed. You know, it's just a, and I know there's people that relate to this. They got a boss that fuck with them. Didn't they make a movie about an assistant beating up his agent? Remember, he tied him up the fag. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Kevin Spacey. Swimming of Sharks. Yeah. Swimming of sharks. Man, what a good movie that was. People. Oh, I have, I've had different dreams.

Like, I have people I want to punch. But then there's people, like, if, like, let's say everything in your life that could possibly go wrong or wrong, you're going to kill yourself. I have like, then I'm on my way out. I'm getting a couple people. There's people I want to kill. And there's people I just want to maim. So they live a fucked up life after I get my eyes off. Just cut their brain here.

There's one guy specific that I dream about catching him in the city and fucking pipe in a. shooting them in both kneecaps, shooting them in a hand like Jesus so you can have a whistle, and then pull out of a high caliber gun and just blow off his other fucking hand for being a fucking thief. I think about that motherfucker all the time.

Yeah, it's... Blowing off his hand with a high caliber, putting it back, pulling out a fucking 32 or 45 and blasting holes in his kneecap, both his hands like Jesus, and then put the gun in his fucking, and I and tell them, you miserable fuck. And you take them to a state

of fucking Gandhi. Like man on fire style? And you spit on them and walk away. Live with it. And that motherfucker breaks down. You just break down as you your human being. That's it. That was your spiritual. I'll never do that again. I want to kill people's relatives

to get back to them. That what? I want to kill people's loved ones. You know? Love ones. Yeah. Take away. Take away what's closest to them. Kill their daughter in front of them. Kill their wife. in front of him. Shit like that, really hurt him.

You did this. And then push him off a cliff. When I wanted to kill my wife, he was a scenario if I broke into the house. I was going to tie him up. Ooh. Stab him a little bit, cut him up a little bit so they could bleed. Like, just not stab, but. Cut.

And then while he's alive, just cut his fucking dick off. Right in front of him, put in his fucking mouth while the dick is still shaking. Like Elena Bobbitt in 93 and shit. It's flopping around like a fish. is still bopping around, you put it right in its fucking mouth, then shoot him in the head, then have a long talk with her. Uh-huh. And you know where the next bullet goes, right in her dirty snatch.

And then right in her fucking head, like a coup de tour, whatever they call that, the coop de la, whatever. When I shoot somebody in the head and kill her. There we go. Yeah, there's coop de gras, whatever the fuck it is. Coup de ville. And just walk out. That was my dream.

But I didn't want a killer in the house because I would have dropped DNA. Yeah. I'm Cuban. I got the Cuban dust, the whole thing. You don't think DNA goes outside? So I wanted to grab her. It was Colorado. I wanted to grab her in Boulder or something like that.

Listen, they never caught John Bonnet killers. John Bonnet. That's right. Ramsey's killer. They would have never caught me because Boulder's not prepared for that. You wait until they're on a hike. Even if they would have arrested me on a fucking, because they thought it was me,

as long as my hands were clean and that weapon was done. And I had a guy in Colorado that was like, if I give him a gun, he ain't going to ask no. question. He knows exactly what to do with it. They knew exactly what to do with that gun. That gun goes home into a fucking Boulder River and nobody ever sees it again or whatever the fuck. Take it on vacation with you, I don't give a fuck, and pull an OJ, put the gun in Chicago when he got there. I would a fuck, whatever he did with the knife, right? You know, even him, they went right to him, but they couldn't put the pieces together. He had a high-powered attorney

so they destructed it, and they didn't catch the most important thing, the fingerprint. In the OJ trial, if you really look what happened, it happened over the weekend. And on Sunday night, they were there, and all of a sudden it started raining. So the fingerprint they had, the rain killed it. And then from there, you just go. And then he hired that A-team, which cost them $55 million probably. Got him his freedom. He had four gangsters.

He had that white Jew. He had two Jews. No, he had the white gangster. Yeah, who was the other one? That we used to, I forget what type of attorney was. He fucked one of them, too. He fucked one of their wives. Yeah, that was one of the Kardashians is OJ's kid.

Yeah, they said that he's his kid. But no, it was a four-man dream team. Yeah, what? It was a black guy. Johnny, no. Bailey and another white guy. Look it up, everything in Bailey. F.

F. Lee Bailey? No. And there was a, Flee Bailey. And there was a white dude. That is fucking brilliant. He's the one that saved the case. He argued. He's tough.

He's rough, you know, like he's... No, that's... Ronald Goldman. Yeah, he got... That's the original catching strays. Not Ben Shapiro. I just told you it wasn't Shapiro. It's another white guy.

They brought him in, and that guy cost... I just told you. If the glove does not fit, you must have... Well, that was the young. That was a black dude. I'm talking about... Alan Dershowitz. No, no, no.

He's a Jew, old Jew. He was on that team too. Barry Sheck, Peter Newfield. Barry Check. Barry Check. That dude, if you have him as your fucking attorney, he just sit there with a grin on your face, drawing pictures of Mickey Mouse. Because you already know the outcome, he's gonna fuck him up. Imagine hiring that guy and you're like, hey dude, just so you know, I did it.

And he's like, it's gonna cost you, but I'll get you off. Do you have like a dream list of lawyers like you wish you could have hired? Like it sounds like you really liked Shaq. He doesn't even want to get caught. He's not going to trial. Right. I like, but right away,

the fingers are going to point at me in a situation like that. Right. So you got to get a good lawyer. So, you know, you just got to get, you can't get one lawyer. You need three minds.

That's great. My day was just one lawyer. I know. You have a copilot sitting there. And you want to, listen. The Yankees win world series is to have a high budget.

The DA and the city DA and the federal DA, they're never going to match what I'm going to pay these fucking animals. They're going to out with them. They're going to out with them. I got three of these animals and one of them's got the vitamins I need. Okay?

One of them has the vitamins you need. You have to, and I hate to say this because people are going to start, you have to, I swear to God, you have to trust the judicial system. And sometimes it wins and sometimes it loses. With me, it fucking lost. Because they wanted to sentence me for the full term.

I plea bargain down the secondary burglary. They gave me four years, but it was a state law, 1,200 would cut the sentence in that happen for first time offenders. It was like stealing. Two years. So they cut it to two years. I already done two months in county, which is four months. So 24 months minus four is 21 months, 18 months, you're eligible for a halfway house.

At 16 months, you're already go to a halfway house unless you're a fucking savage. But pretty much, like, so when I got there, I was like ready for county, like 90-day work release. They wouldn't allow it. But I was still very happy because I went from 48 months with four months to 24 months with four months off. And then I had a month waiting to go to the system. That's two months. So when I got there, it was like stealing. And then on top of that, my point system, you'd be surprised how many criminals don't have

driver's license. You'd be surprised how many of them don't have jobs at the time of the arrest. You'd be surprised on how many of them don't have a high school diploma. First thing I did, after all those years, when I got arrested, I went and got my high school diploma. In prison? No, no, no, no. When they let me out, I'm bad. George was there.

I went and got my high school diploma. I threw the cocaine away, and I started going to a college like a student. Threw it away? It did not. I was still snorting. Okay. You know.

You got rid of it. That's a different story. Throw it away. When you get down, on top of that, I have to have a point system. So when you subtract, did you live with your family? Oh, right.

Did you have a job at the time of your arrest? You have a driver's license. Did you have a driver's license? Did you have a, have a high school diploma. There was like eight or nine questions. At the end, you got like a minus two or whatever. I was already eligible for a fucking halfway house.

So I was against the grain and it worked in my way. Now, if I get in trouble again, it's not going to be that way. The law gave me a pass, which meant don't come back. I got the hint. We cut you a lot of grief, kid. Now, don't come fucking back. And that's the message I got from that. You never got close again?

I got arrested again, but never got tossed in jail. After 88, I got arrested probably. I had arrested six times in Seattle in 18 months. We're running a crime syndicate up there. We're fucking... How did they not get you? We had Josh Wolf, Robin, saves and shit. So you didn't get the message right away.

Yeah, he didn't get the message. That doesn't tell me you get the message at all. We fucking... Listen, I still remember... 18 months. I still remember. That's a Colorado message. Exactly.

I still remember you get to the halfway house. First of all, you have to wait by the gate at the prison, and then the bus comes, and they take you to the halfway house. I had a car pick me up. I had my girlfriend pick me up. Drive me to the halfway house. I pulled over Gabriel's stabbing doggy style in this two-door Mazda she had, the blue Mazda right on the highway.

I'm like, I ain't waiting for this. I went to the halfway house, and I went to the halfway house, and you go in and also, and they go, listen, you have three hours. at your personal belongings. For me, that meant you got three hours to get an eight ball and get back here. I was snorting the first night. I got on belongings. And I went to my friend's house and he told me I'll leave a baseball for you, but he left the bag over here open. I clipped an extra three and a half. I went for that. And then I was weighing it. It got to the point I was in there weighing it, selling it. Like by the first week. In the halfway house? Listen to me. I'm in the seven-man

room. And I don't know, you don't really know how the old packaging was, but the old packaging was a bindle. You open it, you open it, it's a triangle. And in the middle, you snort your Coke, and then you put it back, okay? When I went to get the Coke and I was going to sell it, I had to scale on the top bunk. I'm on the top bunk of this fucking thing, okay? And I get up on the bunk, and here I am. I'm taking the eight ball of Coke, and I'm putting it into a, whatever. And all of a sudden, one of the guys coming and go, Joey, they're doing a security sweep. When I went to close the bendel, the bindle went backwards. And all the coke shot up into the air all over the carpet. And there was a black carpet. So I had to get on my, Lee,

wake up. I had to get on my hands and knees. It's 420, motherfucker. I like the attitude. I had to get on my hands and knees and pick up each rock. The dust I lost, but I picked up like eight rocks. We're sitting in the room. They both walked in and they're like, what are these rocks on the floor. And the other guy goes, the ceiling. Something was wrong. At that time, we really did have one of those ceilings that was bat. You know, when they shoot it and it has like, like that, like that war right there.

It was similar to that. And they just walked out. And I was like, oh, shit. You had so many close calls. So many like, uh-oh. I could have gone. And don't, no, don't. These are close calls when you're in the red zone.

Remember, there's a close call. Like, I went in there one night. again, on Fridays, I would go walk in there with an A ball quarter-outs because I knew they'd be waiting for me. And there's one particular Friday night. Girls were on the first floor. And there was like six of them, but three of them were smoking. There was one that was like a high-level Cosme thief, like a perfume thief.

She just destroyed like Gimbles or Macy. She took every fucking thing. No, no, no. I'm not talking about this bitch was taking back orders and getting them shipped to a different warehouse. No, no, she told me. She goes, no, no, I was, she had, even when she got out of prison, she had the fucking shoplifting? No, she was like, she was a manager at a place, and she would take shipments to all the warehouses

and go sell the fucking whole shipment, shoes, whatever the fuck it was. But this bitch still, she goes, I got six years, but I managed to keep my wardrobe. This bitch was still banging tall, really pretty girl. But there was another chick that was crazy that was dating, a guy was in the halfway house with. they were both in the system together. Okay? Now we were friendly. We all had to go to group meetings and we talk.

And one Friday night I walked in and you have to sign in when you walk in and they give you a folder. When I opened my folder, there was a note. Yeah. You got a couple messages there. There was people saying, don't forget to stop in my room.

Like Joey, bring me the chicken cutlet sandwich. Joey, do this. But what they wanted me to do is stopping their room to sell them cope. Wow. So I'll never forget. I walk in the building. They search you.

I got the eight-boys. in my nutsack. And then I walk and I go to, let me go to Patrice Twining's first. Look, I walk down that alleyway. Now, the office is there. And these are the girls' rooms. It's like a little cafeteria area. And then the last two rooms, a girl's room.

And it's like three girls in the room. I knocked on the door and Patrice opens the door with her big fake tits popping out like lingerie. And I go, what the fuck? She goes, I need a gram, but I got no money. I go, fuck it. And I just went into the doorway. this. Her roommates were eating cereal

on the couch and shit and she's sucking my pipe. I'm not looking into the hallway because the cops are right over that. So they can see you not doing anything? They can see just see this half your body. They thought I was just talking. I had my hand on the thing like to make believe I was just leaning on it talking, but it's the wrong fucking

hand. Look at me. I'm trying to lean this way. It was insane. And then after that, me and her had this little, little crazy affair. I would pop in some nights and she'd be banging. I'd just take her. And like I said, there was a little pantry where they had frozen foods and TV dinners. I took her in there when they bent her over.

No condom. I'm dying and just gave her a stat. Damn. The halfway house was fucking insane when I was there. I switched the air conditioners from the conference room to my room. I got put it from a six-man room to a three-man room. But you got to take the top bunk. I couldn't take it.

So I took the guy under me and I loaded the cigarettes with fucking, those things that when you light up, the cigarette. Explodes, yeah. I used to do those. I fucked him up. Freddie soda, everybody. I'd wait until somebody borrowed a cigarette. And I'm like, yeah, here.

And I was just like, I haven't turned over already. That was my favorite. A magic store, yeah. Magic store. We got one with Freddie and me and Renazisi were in the back watching. We knew he had it. And he was on stage.

He was like, everyone in front of stage. Perfect. Took him seven minutes to light it. He kept doing this. He kept going like, actually, you know what? And just not lighting it. We're like, come on a fucking light. he keeps talking doing whatever and then he's like you know actually and he just keeps not lighting

it 10 minutes in finally he lights it's like and then another thing boom oh my i mean it was that loud i don't know what that thing no no but i'm a professional i'm a professional i got a toothpick yeah you take it way down bore it into the middle so they get comfortable with the cigarette you had a couple hits you had a couple hits first then some guys you neutralize the cigarette like you put one two in the middle and then one in the in the beginning so they just blow up together, that's priceless. Listen, you just full a pack of cigarettes and give people cigarettes and take your chances. Dude, they are.

It throws people off because they're like, what the fuck? And then I see everybody laughing and there's a moment of anger like, what did you do? Yeah. They ought to either be cool with it or they're just dorks. Oh, my God. I used to love. You're going to pay for the cigarette, motherfucker. I'm 60.

I still at the mind. Like, I would die to stop. I got to get those again. I would die to stop on the way home and get 10 tins of that shit. You're at loads. Oh, my God. Just give them out in the city and just watch people blow them. Dude, I get the homeless guys in Tompkinscred Park easily.

Easily. Hey, we're having fun today. Listen, if you're all you're on this. You got a Cuban cigar and load like eight of them in the middle. Wow. And give it to somebody and they're like, yeah, Kambu, they're talking Italian and shit. And that motherfucker blows. You know what I'm going to do that to Bobby Kelly.

We'll have a cigar soon. This will be out for, yeah. Today's 420. He won't watch this. No. He's a huge too much of a family man. I'll get him tomorrow. I'll get him tomorrow.

Yeah, we're into a cigar. That's how it is in the old cartoon days. Just goes like that. It's like a Demi Gorgon says. I used to do some crazy shit, man, with those things. I don't even know how I discovered them. I just found them one day and I'm like,

anything like that, devious, that's my world. Hollywood costume or magic. That's where they had them. Hollywood costume and magic. Oh, that was on Hollywood Boulevard. Yeah. But then I had the one over the weed store in Studio City, the one on the second floor and I would go up there and buy them.

I bought them out. I didn't live in studios until you had. I lived in Hollywood. This is like 90. No, 90. This is like 2000. I didn't at the store one night. I did it to somebody at the store.

I think it was Peter Chen. It's always Peter Chen is wild. I hit him with the car and he never came back. This guy was just as awful Asian comic, like Missy lights him because he was just like he had a funny accent. I mean, beyond awful. But he's around 15 years. So he's like,

I've been here longer than anyone. I should get spots. I'm like, yeah, I know, but you know, this guy doesn't get spots. He's great.

He'd be here 12 year. I'd be here 15 year. I should get spot over him. Sorry. Wow. Mitsy hated him. She just tortured him. He let everybody torture him.

He was so cheap. He would have to move his car up. Like, can you move a car up? And he'd go, yeah. And he's from fucking rural China. He just opened the door and push it forward. Somebody must have sucked his dick once.

Somebody must have suck Peter Chen's dick one time. Otherwise, why would you keep coming back? LaMere. La Mare. No way. You know, already, somebody posted on the comedy store. They posted like a vignette. Okay.

And the second vignette was a chick, a hot girl, walking out of the OR coming down the Sunset Boulevard. And when they opened the door, it's a picture of you young. Young. Really? Young. Where?

On the steps or something? On what? Are the steps up to the belly room? No, no, no. This is coming out to sunset. When you're walking into the original room and you pay, and it was you, Ralphie. Oh, really? Oh, my God.

Ralphie was the one one. He's like making a milkshake, whatever the fuck he's doing. What bastard? He was always making a milkshake in his head. Yeah. Rest in fat. he's somewhere eating two full pizza pies looking down on us I hope if heaven exists that you get to eat whatever you want

Ralphie there's those podcast now that does this but Ralphie just did it in reality it was one of each please yeah he'd go to a restaurant and just go right here but they cut you off there's the hot chick there's Ralphie oh oh look at that picture look at that headshot yeah Jimmy Schubert hell that's what in the middle Yeah. That's me. Is that you?

That's me in the middle. Come on. Let me see. No, that's not you, dog. You better get your fucking glasses fixed. That's me, buddy. That's me, Rex and Renazizi. Oh, shit.

Renazisi's shrewing me. He looks young, too. He hasn't lost a fucking ink of hair. I fucking told you. The only one that looks worse theirs. Well, Rafi looks the same. But the rest of us, Renazisi, he looks close. You know, I was looking at that picture before you came in.

And never mind all this shit that happened. New York City, the storyteller show, films, bullshit. Think of what we were doing at the store right now, 20 years ago. It was so... And how we were living. Wild. It was so wild. That's why the storyteller show came from, from the way we lived.

We were like, well, we have them. We got these stories. It was just like, at any moment, if you were going on a La Jolla comedy store, it was 50-50 if you went to Tijuana to Foot Hookers. It was 50, 50. All it took was like your drink and someone was like, should we go to TJ? I'm like,

damn it, why did you say that? Yeah, let's go. Let's go. And even if you weren't, and then that was 50-50, you might fuck.

We knew one guy was like, well, I'm getting a fucking butter knife from the, from the condo and taking it. Like, dude, you're not taking a knife into Tijuana. Are you nuts? Dude,

it was so fun. There were so many places to fuck. And even the kids who didn't fuck, like the young guys were like, I can't, it brought people from all walks a lot. I was an Orthodox Jew. eight months earlier.

There's all these, like, religious Christians, degenerate orphans, all coming together. And so some of us are like, I don't know what this life is, but there'd be animals taking chicks to fuck in side rooms. And the young guys would be like, let's watch them. And so we'd have to try to sneak around

to try to get a glimpse of like Eddie Griffin fucking or something. We didn't know. You go to the back of the main room. Main room was closed always. And he'd be like, he might be right there. Anybody might be right there. And you're like, slowly go in. Nope.

Now it's in either the girl's bathroom. The main room bathroom upstairs. You got to slowly go in. And we'd look in like Scooby-Doo head over head, overhead, trying to get. I never peeked on anybody. I peaked all the time. I never peaked.

Over the bathroom stall, you're just like, you never peeked because you were fucking. Yeah. Yeah, I was a fucking dork. It's the most we had is to watch you fucking. Dude, I've seen your ass fucking slamming before. Fucking 97. I've seen Joey work it, dude. I work.

I did the right thing. I was just quiet. I left. I didn't interrupt. I didn't interrupt. I'm like to stop the game. I just want to be as, you know,

get good seats. You know, it wasn't that. Like to storm the field? It was, it was, the Ralphie. The drugs.

The drugs. Dude, we had a casino for like six months in the main room. None of the Thai bartenders were working. Renazizi got a felt with like an actual, like a felt that we put on a table.

And there were like some, the waiters were like, there's no bartenders. And they're like, throw more hands, do my hands. And then they're like, we need to make the drinks. Like, nah, I'm on a roll. But like a legit, like for real money. We played casino.

Oh, no, for real. Yeah, money. It was great. We did whatever the fuck we want. She was gone. And so no one was running it. I would love to tell you that the best time period, probably for me because I was breaking my teeth.

Yeah. That's when you're in there every fucking night. But you got a spot or not. You're in there hustling. Whatever. I thought it was 97 to 2000. I think about it now, it was the whole thing. It was 97 to 2006.

And then 2014 to 2020. Whatever. I was always a regular. I didn't get banned. I didn't get thrown out of that. I just decided not to go in there. Because it was just, I felt I was done. That's it.

Seven years. If you're at, how long are you going to sit at the stand before the managers go, listen, you've been lurking like a spider for seven years. Time to do something. You got to do something. And that's at any club. If you're at the, if you get,

if you get the Lexington, let's say you live in Nashville, and you do Lexington, Kentucky. You're going to go in there as a feature, another feature, another feature, another feature. You're going to be a 60-old feature. And they're going to call headline you because you're an hour away.

For the holidays, Christmas, all of some people requests to see you, and how they headline you. Then I've got to headline you. you're going to headline your 4th of July weekend. Good luck. Christmas weekend. You know, they give the good spots to me,

but they'll give you Friday and Saturday after Thanksgiving. Yeah. January 3rd and 4th. And then another year, now you headline again. And this year you opened for Shane Gillis for New Year's. Right. What's your next step at that club? Got to get out of there.

What's your next step? Yeah. You can't sit there. But why not, like, if I was, selling out a club every time I went to that city. I'm sure theaters are great. But just for me right now, that the dream would be selling out theater, not theater, club weekends.

To think that that many people are, like, I like weekends way more than one-nighters. I like one-nettors are a great time. I'm not complaining. We used to go out Tuesday through Sunday. That's my favorite. Rumors in Winnipeg? They figured this out.

They figured this out. Nobody's coming two weeks in a road to a comedy club. so they book you for two weeks to save on the flight. And then Monday and Tuesday there's just hang. Do you do whatever. They have shows.

I just, you'd be there from Tuesday until the next Sunday. Yeah. And they have like two for one deals on Wednesdays or the great club. Tuesday through Sunday. That means you got on the plane

Monday morning. You came home. You fed the cat. You did laundry. And Tuesday, you're back at LAX. I'm going to do that every weekend. but like once or twice a year? That's what it was.

Once or twice a year. That's what it was. Oh, that's what every club had. They wouldn't hire you Thursday through whatever. D.C. Improft used to have, used to have a, you wear a T-shirt, D.C. Improft T-shirt on Mondays, you get him free. And like, Jake Johansson types, they'd be like, yeah, Monday to Sunday. I'm seven days.

You have no idea. That was great. Yeah, for me and for him with Brogan. But, man, you come home for a fucking day. Oh, you can't pay your bills. You're always late payments. You're like, I got the money. I didn't have time to open up the fucking envelopes.

You get home on Monday, man, and you do that three weeks. And Rogan always works Sundays. And that's when I got off the boat and shit on Sundays. Where's Joey? He should be here by now. I'm like, guys, I got some bad news for you. What is it? Joey's in Los Angeles.

Like, no, we saw him last night in Tampa. In Tampa. He's gone. I remember when he told that story on your storytellee show that, you know, the hotel fire. and if you, I don't know if you were there that night. I wasn't there that one. It was Shigura. Okay.

And when I came down at the end, with the suitcase, and I took the elevator and I walked down. They're all running down the steps. And they're like, where the fuck have you been? And also like, all right, the fire, like, for 30 minutes, they stood out there like fucking victims. I'm like, I don't know what you guys are standing here for.

And they're like, where are you here with a suitcase? Like, oh, I'm waiting for a cat. Yeah, I didn't even know what they were good. Rogan looked at me with Segura. They were like, blown, where are you going? We're going to work tonight. Not after that. That's my sign. That's it. That's a bad omen. If you didn't get the sign

from God, I did. God. The reason I started... So wait, you thought the hotel was on fire and you packed? Tell him. No, he was just like, I'm done with it. No fire. No fire. I'm not in a rush. Listen, fire alarm went off. I'm out. Think about going to your hotel room. We had a great two shows at Cobbs, sold out.

You're going to do a half full Sunday. Remember, we used to go up there and eat those chicken strips. And the guy would say, we're all out of them. And then we went and told the owner and the owner came back because we would eat 30 orders of those. We just keep eating. Dude, it's free food. We needed it. We went to one time, we had the guy, Chinatown in San Francisco, it's one of the legit Chinatowns.

And Joey's like, hey, Tom, I want you to bring me somewhere legit. I want the real shit. Don't bring me to any of these white people's Chinese food. I want authentic. And he goes, I got the spot for you. I know it. And we went down there and it's fucking great. These people are fucking you know, Mao's nephews work in the back

and then we're eating and Joey's just pushing his food around just like push it around. He's like Joey, what's wrong? He's like it's too authentic. What was it? Yeah, it's got the eyeballs in it still. You know, like I want less eyeballs. Yeah, it's real.

The only thing I ate was a potato pancakes. Yeah. They make their own scallions. Scallium. Pancakes. Alien pancakes. That place is real. Yeah, San Francisco's a little too real. We had some good times of the road.

The reason I started going, opening for Rogan, is because he was such a fuck off. It was 50-50. He was going to be there. Did you, like, antagonize him and get him to leave so he could do time? No, but we used to do this. We used to like, we didn't want to have to go out to a nightclub because Rogan will take us there.

You can't get a cab. We're stuck there for forever. Ain't the fucking morning. Yeah. In festival in Vegas, we're like, there is no clothes. So, but we're like, if we, if, Joe gets drunk on stage, he's just going to want to go eat, which is all we wanted to do. And we're going to push him, like, steak, dude, steak.

And so he knows if people from the audience sent drinks to Rogan, he's doing shots. So Joey would just go to a waitress and say it's from like one of those tables, send it up. And I'd go to another one, like, say it's from this area, send it up. And then the crowd got, they sent two, three more. And then he's bombed and we're like, we did it. No club tonight. No clubs a night. go out to get Brazilian steak.

I tell. We get him so drunk he's repeating jokes. Oh, my God. He's repeating jokes. Oh, my God, in Vegas. Remember when they pulled them on the wheelchair? What? They had to take him out in a wheelchair.

How many shots do you send him? All of them. All of them, darn. It wasn't just me. It was not good. The crab would get into it, too. Oh, my God. That's right.

forget. You got the cheat code on a lot of people. You got the cheat code. You figured out how to like work them. If somebody in the audience sent him up a drink, like, nice, that's cool. You're like, oh, he relates to that. Okay. So now I'm going to do it. That you got, you got the slate and cheat code. You would always. Ralphie, I found out he felt with a stage in Houston. He was so fat he felt through a reinforced stage. With Ralphie, it was a sly thing. You couldn't insult them openly, so you had to work it into something.

So I would go, oh, my God, where were you last night? I was home, player. I was tired. My feet were hurting or whatever the fuck, you know. And then he goes, wow, what happened? And you say a name, that guy was on the store. He was at the store. He ate a bag of dicks.

and all of a sudden you go, like you did that, the La Factory last Monday. Player, I didn't bomb, motherfucker. You know what you're talking about? And after that, you just get them going. I know where you get your information from, Player, Playboy, but I didn't bomb. And I just get those guys started.

And what I'm doing is an emotion. And to get Rogan started, you've got to piss them off. Yeah, yeah, a little man. For him to go, fucking Joey, I got him. When I broke the computers, remember why I slammed breathband's computer Yeah, you were done And then I threw it in the fucking wall

And Joe, what happened? This motherfucker I wouldn't turn the computer off, Joe He's like, I'm done, I'm done streaming I'm done shit, turn it off He goes, let's just do a little bit like I said I'm fucking done If they texted him

They texted Joey Diaz back then He did not care for that technology No He did not care And he also didn't know To turn his fucking buzzer off So it was just ping-bing I told you not to bother me

He would answer the phone on stage In Kansas City Different time zone And he just answered, he go, what the fuck do you think I am at 8.24 p.m. And they're like, I had 6.24. Don't you ever fucking call me on stage. And we had the value of going out with him. And then we'd go back to the store.

That was our training. Sunday nights or Monday was open. I would go right back to death. Go from these beautiful sold-out 300-seaters. Crazy audience. I could pause. I could like take my time. Back to the fucking.

Battleground. Cobbs was the most interesting thing. We would sit by the ledge and watch the people in January. You always went up in January. Because you could see over the time. And it was fucking freezing. And you see people lining up all the way to the top. That's when it was me, Ari, Tate, Eddie, Red Band, and Duncan.

Dunkin. Duncan with the fucking Momo. Remember we stayed at the hotel on Fisherman's Wharf? That was like a ship. I stayed there years later with my wife and kid, yeah. They had the taffy there and they had the guy who hid behind bushes and scared people. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

That guy ruled. That guy ruled. And you'd see him once you got you got you a couple times, you're like, I'm going to hang out and watch. He's like, sure. You know, people have no idea how much I owe Joe. Because he introduced me to a complete different way to tour, a different way to look at things. Yeah. Look, Friday nights were like nothing at the store in 1997.

120 people. He would work all day, rehearse, and shoot news radio. And he'd always come in after a 12-hour day on the set for $15. Yeah. And I go, that's character because people get on a show. They're done. They're not stand-up comics. I did that for a while, but now I'm a TV man.

That dude. He battled, too. He'd go right at crowds. And they didn't, yeah, news radio. Do you even know what that is? No. Yeah, okay. It was like the 25th rated show.

It's fine. It was fine. It was funny. It was very funny. But it wasn't like blowing up the charts or anything like that. Because they kept moving it. They kept, it never had a home. They fully, the guy whose wife killed him.

Yeah, NBC. So hard man. But, bro, I watched an episode last week when if something was going. It sounded like Andy Dick. Yeah. Andy Dick, Rogan, that chick. And the guy from, uh, from the office space? Oh, that's right.

That's my same player. He played the radio, the radio chief. Phil Hartman. And he got guest stars on, Apollo, people like that. But anyway, nobody really watches. He'd come into the store, and it was a battle for him too. It wasn't like they were like, you're our guy, we'll do anything, not like podcast time. He had to prove himself every time.

And he went to battle. Battled. He'd see a couple of comics bomb, and he'd be like, fuck, I don't want to do it. And he would just go. That's, I'd be in the cover booths. watching and like watching heavy hitters go down one after other and joe would always just like you'd see him just kind of go like no and then just i'm getting you guys it was pretty cool to watch and then we'd see it on the road too yeah there was a couple times where they're like i think you

were there it's some like road island like boat house i was there and they were like listen this is a very conservative audience that's right probably want to not be too dirty and i was like i was too new and I was like, okay. And then I was like, let me try to be, I didn't know how to say no. I know what I'm doing. And then I'd see him just be extra filthy. It'd be fine. And I'm like, that's, you just got to stand up for yourself.

You know, a lot of people like, oh, his fanned up sucks now. Let me tell you something. What was the room Vince Vaughnett? But you in L.A.? It was before Jay Davis's room. Before Dublin's? Before Dublin's. This was 25 yards.

and you walk down the stairs. It's still there. They've tried everything. That's where they had the, that's where they had the naked. That's, when I first moved to L.A. was a little corner. You walked deep in there, and that's how you got into the bar. But the first thing was a breakfast spot.

Yeah. And then it became naked sushi, where they put a blonde chick with a pussy out, and they put sushi on her. You had to take pieces off her, sashimi, whatever. I never went there. I love to tell you I went there, but I didn't. Yeah.

But up that room, that was, that belonged to Vince Vaughn. In 1997, Vince Vaughn was living with Ahmed Ahmed. Oh, yeah. And the other guy, and this was Vince Vaughn's girlfriend. Supposed they broke up. And Ahmed, Ahmed and her got this room. Ahmed couldn't book it. So somebody was booking it.

And the guy that ran it was very handsome. He was one of those dudes with long hair And the chicks would hang out with him and shit Kind of like a dick But not a bad guy He gave a stage time I saw a prime rogue in there one night But I also saw a prime Nick Napollo in there

Prime 97 That's what people were proving themselves Oh my God You'd go on stage to prove yourself It wasn't because of your fame level It'd be like like Dublin's too especially You'd be like I'm gonna show these people who I am

That's that people went into show Oh there's all these big heavy hip Let me show them up to show that I'm I belong. It was a different thing then. Every night you're going to prove yourself. The best set ever I saw? No, it's tied. Yeah.

I saw two brilliant sets. I saw Stanhope in there one night. I got to remind me. And I saw Rogan in there. Rogan was on. It was like the perfect set. That's when he did, and Nicole. And he still had that set before the first CD.

Yeah. His set was on fire. But one night, Stanhope was headline. and fucking not. Rogan was there. Now this is before the weed. This is before anything. And I never forget Stanhope was fuck fucking wild.

Drinking. And at one point he said he saw his mother's pussy and he stepped on it because it looked like a spider or something. Something to that effect. I mean, Stanhope, delivery at that time was priceless. And all of a sudden, I get in the car with Rogan, the Supra.

and I go, so what did you think tonight? What did you think? And he goes, I don't know about that Doug Stanhope guy. He drank 16 beers while he did 45 minutes on stage. He counted the beers. Wow. That's how he wasn't. He was straight.

He was still a fighter. He was straight, dog, and he watched it. Three or four drinks, I can't, I can't. He would watch it. Let's go to a strip club. And he would go to the strip club and come back because me, Ralphie, and Ricky Cruz wouldn't go. What's the one on sunset down the corner? The one fucking 50 yards.

The one that burned down with Jewish lightning? Yeah, Jewish lightning. The couch is one fire. Yeah. There was a bus stop out at the street. That melted. That sounds, Joey's like, fire doesn't burn like that. I'm in my sign with an agency.

They don't exist anymore. 20 years ago. Nice people. But every time I, it was right across from that strip club. And when I signed with them, you know, I sent them, I called them. Somebody referred me. I called them and he goes, yeah, send me this.

And then all of a sudden he called me, he goes, come in for an interview. And I went in there, the receptionist, as soon as I looked and I'm like, he got this bitch from across the street. Wow. She had, like, dirty blonde, like the blonde hair, that Floridian chicks have.

Yeah. You get, like, the one nice swapsed with, they have like that. Oh. They have, like, that fucking, that color, you know, that blonde. Yeah, the light blonde. What the fuck was I talking about here?

You got me all upset. No, who? Salute, according you. The receptionist. So after I signed with him after a few months, the guy who referred me one day called me and he goes, are you going on an audition? And I'm like, yeah.

They haven't sent me an audition in months. I don't know who's fucking up. The agent or that stripper. And I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What fucking stripper? He talked about it. He goes, yeah, the girl in the front. He used to get lap dances from her.

lunchtime. He needed a receptionist. He trained her and the whole thing, but then she didn't fuck him. And then she ended up leaving and went to a top management company in the valley. In fact, Saloo, I was with her when you and I went to San Francisco for that first weekend, she negotiated. What do you mean? Oh, you were with her. You and I co-headline Cobbs in the very beginning. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we did some co-headlining kids. Yeah. We did Buffalo. We had the shirts with to Del Castro? Come on. Those things are vintage.

Those are vintage. You're going to see those in 20 years. We did a co-headlining gig in Chicago, our agent figured out, what a fucking Jew this non-Jew was. He figured out, he goes, you just got to sell the story. These guys sell out.

So there was a house of blues. That sounds like a real place. In Chicago, 400 seats. Like, you guys can sell that out. And so, like, Duke co-headlined it. We sold it out. And then other clubs like, why, he sold out of the House of Blues.

That's humongous. But the poster was, like a card, like two kings, and you'd flip it upside down, and it was his face or my face. And it would have, it's pretty cool. Yeah, that Fidel Castro, Joey Diaz smoking with a Jewish shit on it. Oh, I got to find that. We're at a yarmica. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. We went overboard. Fidel Castro. Those shirts went. Those shirts went. Those shirts were good shirts. Fucking wet, like. And, you know, it's, it's, you know how people wear the fucking Che Guevara.

I don't even know who's on his chair. Yeah. Even know who the fuck Shay did and what he did. Hey, but I might as well put the Della on with a yarmica. You know what I'm saying? Why confuse the allies in 200 years? We're going to find out that's what it was anyway. All right.

Anyway, let's just drop that on these motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? Who's really pulling the strings? Dude, I listen to the... We had some good fucking times. We had good times in the road. And just with the education of the comedy store. Yeah.

Sometimes I do. Sometimes I get... You would see human behavior in a way you've never seen before. You would see the way customers treated each other as couples. You would see how comics was just like... It was just the rawest form of life. And you would just get into stuff. Like midnight drives to Joshua Tree for five hours to do much.

It was to watch the sun come up. Just like on a whim. we were on top of the roof of the comedy store with the fucking rocket launcher launching fucking water balloons at the sky bar at the rich fucking, you know, all those fucking people in TMZ all those hot whatever's,

the 20 year olds that run Hollywood, we're fucking launching balloons from across the street and down the block. And they explode next to their foot. They look around like, who was that? You don't know it's down the block that's hitting you. And we're just like, do another one. Dude, someone told on us,

I don't know who it was. So the cops start running. I think Eleanor was like, get down. And so we had to run down. The concert were coming up. We hid in Mitzie's little alcove. They went up, and then we snuck back out. We had so much fun.

You know, right now, if I come to you face-to-face like a man, smoke a joint where you give you some medibles, maybe a shot of whiskey, soften you up. And I say to you, as a comedian, look at it, in my world, where I came from, everything was an accomplishment. Everything was an accomplishment. everything was an accomplishment.

Oh, I get it. Okay? Because I don't measure the end. I always went by inches. Uh-huh. Punch the ball. Inches. I hear you.

Inches is what this life's about. Everybody goes for a touchdown. I knew it wasn't going to work for me that way. I tried it and it didn't work. So now it's a game of inches. You got a fucking fight for every motherfucker fucking thing. But I think about anything I ever did that people go, you should be proud of that.

You should be proud of a longer shot. All that shit was great, but nothing tops. The education, I got in that place from 97 to 2006. Those were nine fucking years of, and it's right. And it's right. Human behavior, how people acted, how people would go crazy if they didn't get spots, how people acted around Mitsy, you know, and again. The kissing up, the early, like, early versions of, like, social climbers.

Like, whoa. And you saw it. Oh, Missy, I made you a chocolate cake. Get the fuck out of you. Missy wanted a grandma blows. You don't want no chocolate fucking cake. And Mitzy was wild too. She was, so, like, they had fat Tuesday.

It was the, it was the black night on Tuesday. It was Fat Tuesday at the Comedy Store, PHAT. Yeah, and then they had the black night. Then they had, well, not manic Mondays. What was the Mondays one at the, at the Flav Factory? Chocolate Sundays at the factory. No, no. Something.

And I got to LA, this was the best lineup ever. What? It was a great show at the fucking. And when I got there was Corey. Cory Holcomb? No, the original Corey. He had a name. He was a big radio guy.

And he got a developmental deal. He was a regular at the store. And Corey ran it on a really good-looking dude. He ran Mondays. And I forget what, that was the hottest show. It was three, six-minute, one, seven-minute white act, than a good white act, like Bill Bird-type white act. Yeah.

And then it was all black after that. Blacks would always have a couple new, really throw them into the wolves white guys. You have to. That's how I started. That's how Jay started in Philadelphia. And then on Mondays, you had Latino night. So if you were fucking tip-top,

because they put white people up up there. It wasn't just about Spanish. They don't have enough. At that time, at that time. It was Jeff Garcia. They had thrown the fucking one way out of there. The rest were still busy gardening. It was those, but he didn't want me in there, but gay, uh, the other guy, Gilbert Escobal was the host and he booked it.

So he always, he always told me, you got a 20 minute spot in my world. So he'd give me 920 and 940. And then if you were a gangster, you ran to the comedy store for the open mic on Monday night. And I remember running to the store one night thinking I was going to get on. And it was Bob Saggett on the list, Dave Battelle. That was like the first time I ran. Like, oh, there ain't going to be nobody there. Wow.

And it was Bob. That's the first time ever met Bob Sagitt. Then we hung out on that porch in the front. It was Bob Sagitt, David Tal, and somebody else. And I remember going, holy shit. Hold, the things I, the education, I got in there. I remember me being with Missy on a Sunday, and Daviteau came in. And he was buck-of-fucking.

wild. And he went up there and said something. Oh, anybody read about the plane that went down in Columbia? It's always a shame. The real plane went down. He's like, it killed my pocket because I had 30 kilos on that motherfucker. And he just ran with it.

He was just going ape shit. I saw a lot of fun shit in that, man. And that's where you learn. And then the greatest, Paul Mooney. He flashed up on my YouTube today. And I watched. He would come in. He would always go on late, late, 1145,

after the lineup. We'd do 30 minutes, but he wouldn't bump anybody because he's always on the end. I had to follow him. That was my boy. Hated him. Hated him. Hated him.

I heard one chick that was a regular there. She was like, this guy's just racist. I'm like, yeah, I guess. I don't know. His boyfriend was white. Yeah, is that too? He did love. The whole time.

It goes the end word. I love it. I say it every, I say it 10 times. times a day. It makes my teeth white. How you doing, guys? Uncle Joey here. Listen, if you like nicotine, you're going to love Lucy. Lucy makes premium nicotine pouches and nicotine gum. Flavors like apple spice, espresso, berry, citrus, tremendous. And don't forget my favorite mango. You understand me? Set yourself up for a subscription so you never run out. Listen, Lucy's the only pouch that delivers long lasting.

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and nicotine is an addictive chemical. So choose wisely. Let's go with Lucy. Hey, Uncle Joey here, listen, I ain't got a mother. But Mother's Day is Sunday, May 10th, and I know you bum's all got mothers. So listen, 1,800 flowers is here to make sure you don't forget.

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English, but flowers are nice. That's twice the flowers for your mother, all right? You got a mother-in-law, you got somebody, a grandmother. There you go. Who thinks about mothers like me? Uncle Joey, why? Because she's dead. So, Mother's Day is Sunday, May the 10th. And bouquets are selling out fast. Trust me, do not wait. As soon as you hear, this, put the reefer down, and call 1-800flowers.com slash Joey to claim your double roses offer before they gone. This is a great deal. Again, that's 1-800flowers.com slash Joey. All right. One-800 flowers.com slash Joey. Tell them Uncle Joey said, you're going to love the roses. I'm getting some of myself or my wife, and I'm going to send them

some to some stranger. You don't know what I'm saying like that? I love you. He had so many good lines. But he had, there was a machine. When I got there in 97 and I saw him, I shipped my pants. Because I had bought his album race. Really? I didn't know him at all.

I bought the album race. There was no Wikipedia back then. I just knew that he wrote for Sanford and son, and he wrote for Richard Pry. And I still remember being at the storm watching him come in and going, I had no idea he was a store guy. There was no Wikipedia. I remember, there was black scenes and white scenes.

There was alt scenes and regular scenes then. They were separated. New York and L.A. separated. But like, I remember seeing in the back, it was Eddie Griffin, and it was hanging with Mr. Cooper. Oh, he was good in his day, too. He's still a good guy. I forget his name now.

Mark Curry. And one of them was there and watching Mooney, the other one comes up. He goes, what you're doing? and he just goes watching the master. He goes, uh, yeah. And they both just turned and watched this guy with reverence a guy I'd never heard of.

Paul Mooney. I was like, oh. And he had, so people would be leaving by the night over and over. As soon as you would get on stage, before you even talk, people were like,

whoa, who's this? They would just sit down. He'd walk him with like a hat in a robe. You couldn't talk to him unless you complimented him first. And then he had a run. He had a roll. Yeah, had a little tiny champagne.

Tiny champagne. Yeah. he would have a roll about eight minutes that was possibly one of the best eight minutes I ever saw at the store and it was that one I say the N word 20 times it keeps my teeth white yeah and then he but he would always close with something that is such a well-written joke that people would go ha ha ha ha and then they would stand up and go what the fuck am I laughing at which one not the chopsticks look at there's a white lady she just ran out She's calling the police.

There's a black man on stage that won't stop saying. What's that what? There's an N-word on stage that won't stop. That won't stop saying the word N-word. You know what that line was? Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like this is a legendary line.

There's a brother on stage that won't stop saying, brother. And he goes, listen, white people, before you go on, Hayton, if you shake your family tree, there's an N-word will fall out. And people go, ha-ha, and then they think about that sister-in-law, the kids got tanned. And they never went to Jamaica, you know what I'm saying? Oh, my God, they're right. They're right. It's fucking brilliant.

So he would kill you and then pop that joke. Yeah. and then he, they give you a breathing. Look at white people. They're leaving already. And then he go, I knew Madonna when she was Monana. That line used to always kill me. He would do this thing, too, of pretending to not know celebrities' names.

I asked him about it once. He was like, and who's that fat bitch? And somebody was like, uh, Aretha Franklin's like, yeah, oh, don't get me a start on Aretha Franklin. And I go, Mooney, I've seen her do that joke seven times. Why do you say, who's that fat bit? Like, why do you pretend to not know her name? He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He goes, I do it on purpose. it involves the crowd and two it makes me better than the person i'm about the shit on like i can't even learn their name who oh oh yeah i'll read the franklin thanks like i'm like that's that's that's technique he had one so we got we got a letter that's when people used to complain the hard way they'd write something out and they'd set they'd get a stamp and they'd mail it in it wasn't just a comment these fucking weak bitches now just comment and move on so they got a letter saying hey i saw this guy it's Paul Mooney. He was on last Tuesday.

He did this. He was very offensive. He, like, angered my whole party. And I never seen it. So I called Mitzie. I was like, hey, there's a letter. What should I do? She goes, all right, write him back.

They give a phone number. Yeah, I was like, I call them, tell them they get two free tickets to the show and tell them, we're going to ban that guy. I was like, okay. Tell him he's banned for like a month. He can't come here. Like, okay. I'm like, you're banning Paul Mooney?

And she goes, no, just tell them that. He goes, we need the custom. And then call Paul and tell, show him the letter he'll want to see it. Well, when I think about it, my heart skips a beat. And now it made me tighter with Paulie. Like I'll talk to Paulie once a month on the most obscure call. Hey, dude. What are you doing?

Polly's, what? But I always take his call because he's a brother. He's a fellow Marine. He was in the trenches with us. And we used to torture him back then. I would torture him every fucking time I saw. But I loved him because of his mother. And then we had a little fucked up time for a while.

And then now I saw him in Austin. And it's like seeing fucking your brother like that you haven't seen. I learned, you know, when I fucking started comedy, Paulie Shore was fucking huge. Holy Shore was fucking huge. The 70s, it was prior. In the 80s, it was Kenneson. The 90s was me, bro.

Was he big with stand-up, too, or the movies mainly? movies, but he did stand up. He did stand up. He did stand up. He's crazy. Yeah, movies. I love Polly. He was on MTV. Yeah, he did a bunch of good shit. He did a bunch of good shit. He what? Dancing naked with the calaccon pops. That's all I remember when I was a little, I was like, what the fuck is this crazy person? He spoke to a generation. He spoke to Mali addicts.

The first ones that speak to people doing ecstasy. No one was speaking to them. And he did. He's had a whole bit about like, uh, they should take to, DMV in Spanish, English, and dude. Mm-hmm. It was about that type of Southern California. Yeah. You know, just sitting next to her some nights. Oh, some days and listening to her shit

that came out of her mouth while comics were on stage. And she had no political correctness. None. And it was always not loud, but enough that you heard it. Yeah. Get this fucking shvats off. Get this guy off stage.

Don't let him up. But the night that he's talking about was the kid from Houston that walked in there and they're like, he's the next Bill Hicks. And the guy shit his pants. And she's like, get him off. Get him off.

By the way, they had three minutes. And after one, she's like, enough, enough. Oh, no, yeah. Why? Why waste our time? The Kennison light would be buzzing. Get him off the stage. He's bad luck.

That's what David Taylor said. Like, you know you're bombing when you can hear the light go on. It was like nothing. and they go, oh, just that all right. And that's how I became friends with Joe. She had one time, she, she were in, I used to drive her around. She liked me.

I drive her home, we were in the comedy store of a van, and Holtzman, she loved Holtzman. Holtz. Hated someone, he loved Holtzman. He was like this. She goes, hey, Mitzie, what do you want to go see a movie this week? She was, okay, what do you want to see? And he goes, there's a new Planet of the Apes was just out. He goes, we can go see Planet of the Apes.

And he goes, why? We can just come here in a Tuesday. Like she was all. And I was like, she was off. What boss? What? She was, she would say some shit. And then she got it with me

with the fat, fat baby. But bro, you know when somebody's insulting you? And you know when somebody's saying shit to you out of love? And that's what I grew up on. North Bergen, they didn't call you nothing growing up to fucking make you feel good. they called you that to throw you a little off so remind you who the fuck you are

and that's what she did fat pain and she called to me and plucked the stomach she pop her stomach and go like it was letting out air and she goes and she laughed by herself I remember she kept saying you have to go on stage with a Fidel

beard and a handcuff on and see you would do it going on to come ball music no this is the deal If you did it, you failed. You failed. Exactly. She'd throw you out.

You should go up with a bunch of balloons. Okay, I guess I have to go up with balloons. Like, oh, loser. Yeah. You had to do it. You had to, say no. Anytime she told you an idea, you had to, like, look at her and, like, go.

Mitchie, you want me to get your tongue sandwich? Yeah. I got to throw off, and that was her shit. The tongue sandwich. Tung sandwich. You remember I took Freddie Soto's job and the other guy's job. I was the dude who went to the bank and made the department. You were the runner?

You were the runner? For a long time. They trusted you. with money. Dog, listen to me. I respect it. You're skimming off the bottom, too. Bro, I respected the comedy store.

But you got to do, listen. You got to do what you got to do on a Friday. They used to have a thing where they'd be like, listen, we're failing business. Double mortgage the place. And so it's like, it's failing. So they're like, hey, comedians, if you want to take two free tickets, like a two for zero, if you see, if you play golf with somebody, you like, you want to go to the company, here's a free ticket.

So two drink minimum, though. so they get some drinks off people that were never going to go. You know, you're in Hollywood and whatever. Hey, here, I go, okay, great, they'll go in. And then they start going, if you pass out those tickets and people come in, on two drinks each, we're going to make 50 bucks off them. So we'll give you two bucks per ticket that comes back. Okay, it's incentive for another 20 bucks for the week.

You know, hand out 10 tickets, they come back. But that policy ended because Joey would just wait until the lot, the entrance line of the comedy store. And he'd go, no, no, don't pay. Here, take this. No, no, don't pay. Take this. Take this.

He would cost him $20, $22 each because they had all to pay him. And then they go, we can't. Can't do it anymore. Would you give that, like, two or three? You didn't get the whole line. She made me a regular right off the bat, a month. I was a regular in a month after getting to L.A. So right off the back, I wanted to be part of the comedy store.

So they made me a telemarker with Enz Mitchell Andz was that? The chicken Vegas, my girl, crazy girl that's in Vegas. He used to take... Yeah. And I didn't want to say his name. What the fuck's the matter with you?

Shema. Yeah. Shama. It was... And we all telemarked. Like, hi, Auto Body. We're going to give you 40 tickets.

Thursday nights were dead and Wednesdays were dead. So that's all I had to do. Yeah. Was do that. That's our... I started and they broke up the department. Hans Mitchell opened up the club and

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then what did I do? And then she gave me even a better job. I did every job there. Okay. Yeah, you did everything. Phone, door, cover booth, built the website. When wages were late, I would take over that. Assistant talent coordinator, Duncan.

I did everything except go on stage. She wouldn't let me on. She gave me a good job. She said, listen, be the dorm man from seven to ten, and then come in and host. She would pay me to 25. And that's just, that's her way of saying, this guy needs money. I can't just give the money. I need to pretend to make him earn it.

That's why Gabriel does the same thing. Nobody needs 17 openers. That's Gabriel's way of saying, let me help you guys out. She would give you jobs to keep you going. It's just like, it's not a necessary thing. And for the record, there was one particular day that tested who I was as a man, a comic, and my character. And I will tell you this.

I think I told it once on here. I had a car that an agent gave to Josh Wolfe. And Josh Wolf lent it to me, but the registration ran out. And I kept getting tickets in it. It was a little, like, $50,000. They told the car. That's the story about my apartment got towed. Ralphie always told us.

Apartment got told and all this shit. So at that time, it was fucking insane. And, you know, we were snorting coke. That one crazy white dude was there from Florida. Don't say his name. He sold the club and off the hook, when it was originally off the hook. This is 30 years ago.

They sold that club, and the guy came to the comedy store one night with 100 large. Everybody was getting free Coke, and he was staying at the sunset motor lounge, across from Rouse. Yeah. We were there four nights a week with this guy. Fucking snort.

I mean, we went through periods that you would not believe at that store. Corey Cuomo. I knew Corey Cuomo went gentry when we used to fucking party in the building where Holtzman lived. With the chick with the age. My building. What's the chick that had the freckles? She was half black. So I found myself with that apartment all hours of the night.

So I'll never forget on a Friday, you got your checks at like five. that means I'm there at 1.30. I want to make sure the operation runs smooth. They run out of check money. So every Friday, I'd be there at two. I just sit on the stairs and get sun and drink free sodas. Right. That was my thing on Fridays.

But one Friday I pull up guys, and there's like four cases of jack. Another case of some fucking whiskey and beer. And that liquor store, two blocks up from the store. right on sunset. Before you hit the Chateau-Marmont, on the corner, there's a big time liquor store there. If I walk in there with four cases of Jack Daniels on a Friday, you're going to load them.

I'm picking some dough up. At that moment, I go, can't do it. Because the store. I'm going to end up just how I did my whole life. If I robbed this, they have a camera somewhere. They're going to see me putting in, and my comedy career is going to shit the pants, just like every other career I've had in my life.

because of four cases of fucking Jack Daniels and two cases of Mickelope Plus or whatever the fuck it was. And that's what I knew. I did everything I could out of that store. Dog, that was a time period. You did everything. When Joey hosted, that was your blow days.

And you were so gacked. You would read the list of who's coming up next, but your other hand would just be like this. I wasn't doing Coke on stage. It was in my pocket. in the hole in the motherfucker. That's where you're like, come on, I want to get to it. When I got to that stage, at the end, when I would,

after, listen, I had a fucking genius plan. If I just put up the people on the list, I'm going to be there all night until two in the morning. That 25 from making $8.50 an hour, now becomes fucking $250 an hour. So I'm going to do this correctly. I'm going to call my friends. Be of a Dow.

Andrew, Ari, Rogan, because the original list is hot garbage. Hot garbage. His employees. No, no, no. This is, though. Regulars at 10. That's what I hosted.

And Mitchie would watch the first 15 minutes or whatever. And dog, there was nights going up then. We'd lose the room. We'd go from a hot because they didn't watch the open mic, the train wreck. Because you'd have Peter Chen going on. All the favors you did. It's like, this guy's going to know on and let him go on. And it's like, and that's the room he's hosting.

I would call Eddie Griffin. Eddie, you feel like doing two hours? Come on down. Yeah. And they'd all be there on the list that have their people. there, the agents with cameras and shit. This is that big night and all of a sudden, Eddie Griffin would pull up,

Andrew would pull up, and Rogo will pull up, and dog. You never saw 20 broken hearts like that. Yeah, and Joey's like, now I got three times in three hours that I got to be back on stage. That gives me an hour in between the cop, pick up a victim, talk, and all this with Terry in the kitchen. So once from 97...

You're with Terry already then? Yeah, from 90s. 27 to 2000. I was a man on a fucking mission of that. I took showers in the mornings. When I was homeless, I'd get that 901, the little Mexican dude open. Showered back there a lot.

Shooting to the main room, fucking lay out, take a shower, drink some soda for breakfast. You gotta do what you gotta do, brother. Yep. Gotta do what you gotta do.

Free soda. You just can use that soda thing. And I would get that 6.30 And take another fucking shower in the main room. So I'm tip-top my goo. So the balls are prepared for the evening lurk. You know what I'm saying? I slept there a lot.

Yeah, come on dog. That was a fucking, for me it was a cult. It was all I had. There was nowhere to go. There was nowhere to go. It was a bunch of lost people that just... We had one time, we were like, we saw some... We had this thing we were doing where...

You were been there? You've been there. George, this comedy store. So there's like this runner, like, thing on the outside, the aisle on the outside that goes all the way back to the belly room. And you could sit on there. Anyway, we had to clean up, like, glasses from there and stuff. And one time me and Renazisi and probably Ingram, we started like fucking around. We're like, let's do this thing where we just take an actual bottle and like smash it.

And like in the movie, he's like, I'll fucking kill you. And then we just started setting it up. We're just like, hey, one of us is going to bump the other as we're walking by. And we just like, you know, we're friends, but no one knows. And it tells there. And he's just like talking. He didn't come much. And I think Renazis and I were like, he like bumped like, get a fucking problem.

I was like, do you got a fucking problem? I just like, come the fuck on. And we had Ingram hold me back. And it tells like, you guys are nuts. And he just took off. What the fuck is this? We had fun. We brought, so we figured out once you could take those bottles and where the trash can was in the corner, the dumpster,

try to like launch them. And I mean it was 60 feet and try to get it in the, and some would go in. Some would just smash around until we had all the bottles. And somebody comes back from the back, the recycling was just this much of bottles. We're like, let's go. We're just throwing them all. Oh, we had a good time there. No rules.

No rules. I'm so jealous. It was the best. They called it a dark ears. Fuck that. They called the dark years. Because there was an audience. But then we got to do whatever we wanted.

Bobby Lee was the biggest star in the world because we're making 5K a week on Matt TV. How many spots are you guaranteed a week? Me, just my employee spot. I got four. Four to five. I'm guaranteed. I always got spots. In fact, I'm still in touch with my favorite fucking talent coordinator.

Who? Scott. Scott Day? Still in touch him. He was before my time. Did you like him or no? He's before my time. I, Corey. When I got put on, bro, listen, here's the story.

I got to L.A., I got, and Latino nights were big. So I snuck in the improv on Latino night, a Sunday night. I think I may wear a suit. When I'm on stage, I saw that they had the little top window, and it would slide. I saw the window open and the dude watching me. Improv? at the improv, 1997. The first Sunday in town,

I got there fucking Tuesday. First thing I did, no, I got there Monday, went to Acapulco, got to all-you-can-eat buffet for dinner. We were broke, and we went to the comedy store, and your buddy, you know, the dirty show upstairs. Ben, what's his time? You're fuck. The fucking, the fucking dude that does the opening for Kimmel.

Oh, Barris. Baris. Yeah. Was hosting on Monday night. Yeah. And I remember I got there. And I'm like, hey, I'm Joey Diaz. I don't know.

Who the fuck are you? But then James Stevens the third walked in. And I had opened from the Seattle. And he stopped and talked to me. And Barris goes, you know him? And I remember going up on a Monday to four people. My heart was broken.

But at the same time, comedy stars on my mind. They used to it because that wasn't one time only. You're going to go up to four people, all up. Yeah. And I went up there. I went home. and I got up to six the morning

and went to the lap back Tuesday. I did the whole system. And he told me never to come back. That was a... Jamie? Yeah, he goes, you're a cabaret comic. Wow.

Move to Las Vegas. Dude, we had... There's a clean club in Hermosa Beach, comedy magic club. There's clean except when Rogan was there. And they told, they told the audience

because Rogan's like, we know there's a clean club, just so everybody about tickets, just so you know, this is a dirty show this week. So if you're here for our regular stuff, it's not, it's not that. They're like, okay,

you warner me, love Rogan. and then probably the two we went twice you know one one weekend another weekend and then the third one we went they go yeah you can't bring Joey and he's like why he's like he's too dirty he's like but I thought you tell the crowd he goes I know we do but he's too dirty for me mm-hmm he got some of the Rogan never took the gig again

yeah he was like well that's that's my last time then never took the gig he stood by me so these were the situations we were building already We learned to be loyal. Yeah, we had the same attitude. We were all chasing the same fucking thing. And just a good, just a good set, could callback, learn how to do something. You're like, nice, well-played joke there. Well, there's nights I wouldn't need unless Rogan came.

When Rogan came, I knew, because I could always talk him into eating. Late night at the standard? Or Thai food. No, he would take me to the yellow spot, pink dot. We'd get turkey and Swiss. Oh, really? From there. They had the nice bread back then.

with the macaron. They had a fucking great meatball sandwich. They got good sandwiches. It was right next to where I lived. They had liquor, they had condoms, everything.

It was one stop shop used to come in. One of the guys Zizi top used to come in. He paid with $2 bills with stamped, eat pussy. It stamped, eat pussy on the $2 bills and pay every time with one $2 bill.

It was crazy. With his long fucking beard is 170. It was like being in the Marines. Yeah, Joe's always good money. No, Joe was great.

You're broke. Come on. Just take the food. No, come on. Eat something. And he would take it to the stand. I knew the menu. Whenever Joe would say you hung up, because I would talk Joe into eating.

And then he'd go, are you hungry? No, no, no. I hate it already. But I know, he's going to go, come on, come with me to eat. Just sit with me. And he would get like a cheeseburger, a steak, a lobster tail. After one, and they would make a mean blue cheeseburger. One of the best I ever had.

You know what? I just realized Joe Rogan. ordered like Ralphie Mae ordered. Yes. One of each, pretty much. He's like, just get them. I'll eat some. One of each. Ralph who finished it, but Joe would eat some. You know, it's funny. They ordered the same.

You know, I'm what the problem with Americans, and I want to break it down with you. Because you'll understand. You know how people set all these seminars up? How to get rich, how to become successful, start your own business at home, you know. When people get involved in that, after you pay the guy to two grand or whatever and the council tells you you have all it takes

to make $2 million a year, you know, you do believe it and you don't believe it. In our religion, we saw it. So what? We saw people that had no money and one day. Overnight. Yeah, it was really overnight.

But not overnight to like doing well to doing better. Rafi Mae. Zero. Went from living with that fucking a point. apartment with roommates to a fucking, you know, like a fucking place in Beverly Hills. The first apartment during, did you ever go there? Where the barbecues were? It was a gated community.

Yep. And he had the fucking pound of weed in the middle. He had the fucking table. And he had a pound of weed in the fucking thing. He would invite me over and I'd tell you, go get a soda. And I'd start taking buds out of that. I'd walk out of there. Buds would be falling on the fucking floor.

It was, dog, when he hit when Josh Wolfie, when he got his first development. Josh woke up on mics before, right before. Yeah. Open mics at coffee shops. The Unurban. On Pico and fucking right of the 405 is. He's there. And then all of a sudden he's like, got a development. Here's a chunk of money. So Ralphie outside the improv once.

And it was like new to weed. It wasn't legal. It wasn't even in stores yet. He had a nug. I'm not lying. It was about this big. It was something to see. And he was like, all right, check this out.

I was like, what the fuck? I wasn't even smoking just a little bit. I mean, it was literally this big. I was like, that's the craziest night. I've ever seen. That's crazy. He goes, no, killer, that's for you. I was like, wait, what? This is going to last me a year, dude. That motherfucker, when I lived in that apartment of my wife, we weren't even married. I wouldn't have weed. It was broke. Yeah. I couldn't ask my wife to give me 20 bucks for a bag of weed. And he would tell him he was going to pick me up

at three. I'd be at attention with a suit on. And that motherfucker would pull up at seven. and we go to that we store in the corner and he would spend two grand like it was nothing when he moved to Nashville he said he said I need breath strips two to a pack breast strips I think 50 each strips or 100 total maybe I used to split them

but he goes get me I don't have my license anymore because I'm in Nashville get me as many as you can and I was like should I ask for a deal and he goes why do you think I ask you yes get me a deal get me as many

as you can. Oh, yeah, I've got a pay full price. Shafir. Where's the weed? It's 420. You know, you just see the, I still remember George Lopez. You could treat me like this on 420? Oh, my God. Oh, your weed? Where's our weed? Where are we smoking? We can't smoke on YouTube. They're fucking... I can't sit over there.

No, but then what are they going to see? The smoke? It's that. Fair. Okay. All right. Well, look at Lee. He can't even move. He hasn't said a fucking peep. I just saw that clip. Lee and me just going, like, and then Lee's going, that wasn't even the strong ones. Did you see the one with me as Jesus

putting my hand down his head? The Trump picture of somebody duplicated. But that's one thing I'm very proud of. What? Like, I started remember becoming a regular. Yeah, that's the biggest one. And going on the road in 99 and walking into

like the Indiana funny boom. And they would give me like a hard time. Like, oh, whoa, whoa, I'm a comedy store regular. I would just rip out the, because I would steal the resumes every night. The lineups off the wall. Oh, you're a young kid.

That's you. Yeah. You got Paul Mooney on that lineup. You got Ari fucking Shapir, whatever fucking name is. You got, you guys got me all complete with that fucking Shapiro. You got all these names on the list that that's...

And you're on with them. So it's like, that's you. This is me, motherfucker. I don't know what kind of game. You're fucking running here. But I'm at the fucking comment. So you better recognize bartender.

Open up a tab on the fucking house. You're gonna be an education. You know what I'm saying? Like that, you get that. You don't feel that way. You don't talk that way. That's a feeling. You would go, like, I'm an LA comic.

I do a guest spot. I was like, where do you perform? Like, the comedy store. And they're like, oh, all right, then. Yeah, you can do one. Listen, I just moved to LA. And I knew the Tory brothers. Nine of my people.

Yep. In fact, he just called me about six months ago to make a video. Guy Torrey. For his son-in-law. He goes, man, my son-in-law loves you. Can you call him cock-suck on a video? And send it to me, and I go, absolutely. Guy Tori was always...

And you knew Guy Toy before he got American History X? Yes. That's before he got teeth. So he was... This was Guy Torrey. He was just fucking janky-tooth. And he is the truth. Pre-tooth Guy Tori was a different man.

I don't know if anybody's guys know this, or America knows this. Ed Norton came to Fat Tuesday. to see Friday. The guy's Friday. Chris Tucker. Chris Tucker. He saw Joe Torrey and gave it to him. Guy.

On the other hand, Bruce Willis came to the comedy store to see Eddie Griffin. But he gave that role to Chris Tucker on the moon. Chris Tucker was on the moon with Bruce Willis on the moon and shit. That happened when I was there. Like I saw these motherfuckers. because walk in, and all of a sudden,

they're in a big-time movie, and Ed Norton's coming to Fat Tuesday to watch them perform. So from the Laughaf Factory, they would recruit from Latino Night. Wow. The big brother, they're still in St. Louis running shows.

I ask Guy Torre or Joe whenever I see him, they're still in St. Louis running that Fat Tuesday. We've got to get a hookup for that, because I love to go see those. They were very good to me in the beginning. That's Tuesday now? I think they run something equivalent to Fat Tuesday, But those guys took care of me to this.

You ready for this, motherfuckers? Yeah. They saw me. What are you getting? It's not over there. Oh, all right. It's, uh, I did Latino 9 on Monday,

and the other guy with Guy Torrey, the big guy saw me. He goes, hey, man, I would you like to do Fat Tuesday. Wow. And I'm in L.A. six or seven months. When he said Fat Tuesday,

I worked upstairs. in sales. Remember I told you that? And I would see the guest list for Fat Tuesday. Jack. It would change your life. Fuck it.

Every high level black poet in Los Angeles was there. Every black director. The dude that made that movie with two box. All of them. That list was like you look at it and go what the fuck?

They catered. It's interesting how each of the black nights cater to a different audience. The Comedy Store Fat Tuzzi was the upscale It was like a singleton and like all these super high level artists and like Shaq and like Lakers will come in. And then till years later, I didn't go to the improv black night on Monday. And I went and there's metal detectors. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was like, oh, this is hood black. Yeah, it's hood black on Mondays. They throw chicken wings at you. Oh, my God. It's not good. It's not good. They'd clear him first. but they were throw it.

Yeah. They throw it. I never saw. I only saw one of those. I ate a bag of dicks at the black night. I went the first time on a Monday night and did great. So they promoted me to a seven-minute spot. Yeah.

Here's the clinker. It was all superstars. It was a superstar lineup that I walked into. It was like two comics, and then they put on Doug Stanhope. Oh, no, really? And I was going to follow Doug Stanhope. And I didn't care.

I was following him at the, the store eating a bag of dick. I knew how to follow him because I lead off with one of his most filthiest jokes. So if he ended with something filthy, I would zip into that, add a tag for that, thank Doug Stanhope, and run with it. If I got him, there would be no thank Doug Stano. Because I knew I was never going to get him again. Why pause? Doug Stanhope goes in there, and he just wasn't getting him. He just wasn't getting him. So what does he do? He doubles down. Oh, and he tells a joke about it's easier to get away.

It was like, but anyway, at the end of that joke, it was the end word. Yeah. And you can tell, I know Doug stand up enough. He's so quick that as one joke's getting like a B minus, whatever, he goes, he's doing, he's almost like pausing time and going, which way should I go with this now? I could get him back. I could take a chance or I could punish them. And he'll, he'll decide every time. And he started saying that shit, Chris Tucker got up in the back.

He goes, get that motherfucker all. Get that white boy off the stage. And people in conjunction, get him off the stage. My boy got up there. Let's keep him going for Doug Stano. Crickets! Coming to the stage, my Cuban homeboy, Joey Diaz. Boom.

Hey, how are you guys doing? Rickets. Rickets. Rickets. I could hear what the waitress was getting the order. Let me get a bloody marry and all the chicken wings. You get here, the pencil. Dog, I walked out of there and I went on the road.

You can't see me again. Broke me that hard. But the funniest ever was right at the store on a Tuesday night waiting for that holding on to the audience because if there was no eight people, you wouldn't get paid at 11 o'clock. Oh, yeah. And everybody would go to the two other bars

so the original room would be empty. Everybody knew on the strip, don't go to the comedy store on Tuesday night. It's black night. But it was fun. It was fun. Like, they shot people there years before, like, Tupac got into a shootout at the store. Yeah, the manager had his head down with their foot on his neck and, like, let's shoot him.

And then that somebody had, I think Eddie Griffin, I'd be like, he's cool, please don't shoot him. Yeah. Yeah, one time, Earthquake saved me. Oh, yeah. From what? I was, I was, you'd think Earthquake wouldn't save me in Los Angeles, but this is the man. Not the hit, not the event. I was, sometimes they'd play the music so loud in the front bar.

you could hear it on stage. And it just bugs me. It's a pet pee. And like you're messing up the show. The show should be untouched. So they're party in the front, blasting some music. I'm like, what the fuck?

So I'd come running down into kind of a huff. And I was like, hey, turn this music down. Like it's coming through. And I guess two brothers were like, I had just been like, hey, turn this up. We like this song. And they just see some white guy going, hey, turn their music off.

And they, I kind of half saw it after a second. Like, you know, when you realize like, oh, that just happened. I was walking. And they started coming at me and then earthquake goes, no, no, he's cool, he's cool. And they were like, all right.

And I was like, wait, what just happened almost? They were ready to fucking kill me, dude. It was my first time of Fat Tuesday. Lee, you're going to shit your pants. I'm doing comedy seven and a half years. Okay. I'm a regular at the store. I'm eating shit two nights a week.

Regularly. You know, you got to follow Don Marrera or AJ Jamal and one of those. Oh. And he invites me to, to do fat Tuesday early 815. I'm in and out of there. $35 cash.

Fucking, I walk in there and I'm in the green room and they're talking about a guy coming in with a wheelchair. Right? I'm like, who the fuck? Like, they're making room for a guy in a wheelchair. And finally the show started.

I lost my thought. I was just focused on doing well. I had a 10-minute spotly. Like, I was banking my life that one of these producers were going to see me and put me in the next big black movie and shit. I go up there, Lee, and I'm rocking. I had done black rumors before, and I didn't know how to deliver my material back then, but I knew how to chuck and jive.

I went to prison. I knew the jokes would hit. I did well up to the seven-minute mark. And then I could feel that the chuckling and jiving was enough. You've got to get them. But I look over in the main room to this Mitzie's chair. You know who the guy in the wheelchair was? Who?

It was Richard Pryor. Oh, shit. And my heart just dropped. And what? I had to stop the show. I go, listen, man, the reason why I'm in here is because of, was it something I said? He was like, half fucked up.

already. And then when I got off, he shook my hand. I just walked out. I was like, that was my fat Tuesday story. Then he put me back on two or three other times in that. I'm just jealous of, like, I don't feel, and this is nothing against where I performed, but I've never felt like I've had a home. No, you'll find one. Oh, like that I couldn't be, like, no, but like, didn't have spots every night while. No, it was a home. No other comic in L.A. really had it, except a few guys of the factory, you know, but really, it was. It was like, it was at home. Like, you would go there on their way back.

You'd drive back from St.A. or you get back at like 1 a.m. from doing spots. Get back when I'm like, let's go to the store. I'm not going to bed. Let's go to the store. There's to be somebody there. You know, and then you would and you stay until three.

Smoking, drinking, or neither. Just hanging out. I got a job selling screws and nuts on Ivor. I had to be there four in the morning because there was seven in the morning in New Jersey. And I would sell the country. contractors in New Jersey. They bought breakfast. I would go in there coming down from a Coke fucking, like I was snort and stop at two. And walking there at 405s, still twitching and shit.

Wow. And I would send fax, and that's how I started going on the road. I would work four to 11. And after nine, I wouldn't do anything. I was just putting my schedule on and fax them to comedy clubs. Whether I worked them or that, I just sent them from some book. Da, da, da, da. Facts. Hey, I found out the name of the manager, and every morning I would send out, and all of some one day, I started getting fucking faxes back. Hey, are you available, org, and I went to the comic strip in El Paso. That's where I learned all that shit. And from there, I took off on the road because I learned how to add feature weeks.

And guess what? I'm at the comedy store. Have you got an MC week for me with a hotel? I'll take the $200. I'd rather have $200 in Coke anyway. $200 and Coke, $400. I'm going to home to do Coke with it anyway. that was the mentality.

I was going to be the best comic I could and that's what it taught you. Yeah, it taught you that. You also, I would watch you, Joey. It was like, you were like the most, actually you and Pauli were like the most like yourselves on and offstage. There was like almost no real difference.

And everyone else had a little bit of a, to be too insulting, but like an act. You know, they put on some airs and you were just like the same guy. You were talking, saying this shit. And then you'd be like, Joe, you're on. He was like, oh, excuse me, and you just continue the story up there. And you watch that with a young, as like a brand new comic, you'd be like, I think that's

why she set it up who was like, watch these guys who, look who does stuff well, look who does stuff bad, learn from the bad ones and the good ones. And you, it was like, everyone did one thing better than anybody, you know, the way Barris would like get a late night crowd, just get them, you know, grandmothers and like, and like, hood, hood people. And he would get them all together. He would go to like, legitimately, someone. brought their grandmother what she was like 70 and he goes look at you dirty little

slut that was the craziest thing he goes you filthy little pig and she was like oh my god and i'm like what a chance you took and he knew how to do it oshack had the best writing and you were the most like yourself and you'd watch these guys you're like what the fuck look let me tell you the education i got okay and i was trying to explain this to lee i hope i explain this again and this is for anybody who does anything. How many Sunday nights that I host in front of her? A billion.

And then she would catch me bomb in the main room from time to time. I never really bombed in the original room. But think about in your world, in your world, like the Arabs believe if they stab a Jew, they get 82 virgins, right? Yeah.

And that's their world. I'm never going to change that. But in my world at that time, I had no family, I had no kids, she fucking left. I was living on a floor, an apartment. All that had was that comedy store in Missy Shore. Be a day on the way home, my daughter was crying after a softball game. And I held her hand.

I go, I remember still crying, leaving the comedy store thinking I'm never going to get another spot there again. I had to follow Rogan or Paul Mooney or some Dave Attell. And after sitting next to her, it was a confidence that I rose. You know what? I ain't got time to go headline no more. I'm a fucking headliner, bitch. And don't worry, I'll fit the fucking 45 minutes. I don't know what I'm going to say.

I ain't fucking getting 400 a week from you no more. I lifted myself. Because she made you want to get out of that. She thought. Think about you having to perform in front of the president every week for 20 weeks. How much confidence do you have? Well, there's a bunch of roughnecks out there. Bitch, I perform for fucking the president

and the other long-haired fucking vampire every week. I do what I want. Who the fuck of you to judge me? Like, I got to that point. Like, I dare you to come up to me and say something to me about material because I'm running at this shit at the store in front of Mitchie Shawna.

And she ain't got a problem with it. Then you don't. You better, and that's why I started accepting the dirty store. up. You know, when you're, if you're on the fence, you're not going to become a comic. Pick your fucking battles. If you're going to be clean, be clean. She never cared about dirty too. No, but I learned how to push the envelope in front of it. One way or the other, she didn't give a shit. She didn't give a fuck. As long as they laugh. Go do well. If she gave you suggestion,

she was like, I don't, she's pretty much her going, I don't know what's going wrong. Something's up. Maybe, I don't know, wear a suit or like, but she's like, I don't know. It's just, the reality is it's not working. Make it work. And if you made it work, she was fine. And it was just like, yeah, there was no pretense about clean, left wing, right wing, you know, social, the family. None of it matter. Just go be funny. And you go on after like super clean comics, super dirty comics.

You just find your own lane. And then there's the idiots that have to leave early. I have to do another spot the improv. You get off stage. You got a drink. You get your dicks up. They're still talking to some girl in the hallway. They didn't want to follow you.

Yeah, didn't want to follow you. That shit didn't work at the store. No. You got tortured. You got to do your time. You couldn't get up early. You just weren't allowed. He's dirty and he talks.

No. You're going up, son. Shoot to do your 10.30 at the improv. Yeah. But don't sit here and come. She told you the fucking mechanics of it. The fundamentals. The whole.

She had once, and I was working, Duncan was gone on vacation. And so I was doing the lineups with her. And she had, she had, Tanya Lee Davis. It's a little person, comedian. Funny.

By the car, I totally. And she rolled under. It went right over. Yeah. Poor Tanya Louie. But I got to become a friend on Facebook. Holstman hated her. Holtzman hated following her.

He just was like, it's a, he'd say it's a circus act and I hate it. They're not, they're laughing at physical stuff and not, I hate, anyway. So I'm making the lineup. She goes, okay, how about Argus at 915? Then this guy. This guy. All right, 10.30, Tonya Lee Davis. Then, then, um, something else, 1045.

Then Holtsman. I was like, oh, I thought you like putting Holtsman after Tony Lee Davis. She goes, what do you mean? Why? Because he said he hates it. I thought you're like, isn't that what you should do? She goes, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, switch it. One time I was trying to get her to come down for a showcase. She was sick now.

She was getting old and sick. She's kind of feel out to it. I go over there. She'd be watching the news all day at 8 o'clock on Sunday. I'd be like, can we please just switch it to the Simpsons if we're not going to fucking go? Don't touch my TV. I'm going to the fucking kitchen then to watch.

But anyway, she was like, I don't know if I feel like. I'm like, Mitzie, come on, you'll feel better. You'll go down there. You'll crush some people's dreams and you'll come home. And she goes, yeah, let's do that. Yeah, she was like, that is good. One time we had a meeting when I was doing the web page. Oh, my God.

And it was a pilgrimage. And she was talking about the old days. She goes, they all get paid in checks now. In the old days, they got paid in cash. And the Coke dealers would be there. They get paid in their cash. they'd go right to buy coke. And I was like, oh, yeah, she goes, yeah,

now they just go home and watch TV. That was way worse than doing blow. I still remember every time I did something and she would never get mad at me. She'd always ask me for my opinion on the matter. And I thought, you know, she would talk to me, like I was off the hook, like nobody's going to say nothing to me. And then she goes, oh, you can't take your balls out on stage,

no war, okay? That's another thing. People go, oh, well, you take your balls out. I am honoring my teacher, Joey Diaz. It is the way I pay tribute to the people that came before me. Joey would fucking go like this with a dirty towel that the Mexicans use in the back fucking, he'd go get it. It goes, dun, do, do, do. And he'd go like this, they just shake his pants because they couldn't hold up over that belly.

And they just plop out, the Cuban egg roll. Oh, my God. The best thing I ever did where it was Judy Canciotti was on stage on a Tuesday night and she's bombing and I would take my clothes off behind the curtain. And every time she cracked a joke, I go, and I closed the curtain up. And she was looking around, I'd be balls ass making back there. She ended up suing the store. She sued the store.

Yeah, she sued the store because of Barris and all life. But still the psychology. That's so funny. The following, I hate it following Domer. and AJ Jamal, and she would put me behind them every Saturday night. And it was like driving to get shot. It was like, I'd be on sunset passing the hot dog stand going, why am I going here? This isn't the right order.

But she's like, yeah, this doesn't matter tonight. It's like what you're talking about with softball, where it's like if you're playing on your middle school team, take some chances. If you're playing in the away league, that's when you've got to play your position. But play out of your position on a day it doesn't matter. She's like, these days don't matter. I'm going to put you on after someone tough. Sanchez said that.

He made him follow Dice for a year. Dyson, he's pretty kind of his prime. And he goes first, I was like, I guess I should like try to be extra dirty to follow that dirty. It didn't work. Then I tried for another few months. Let me try to be extra clean. Maybe that'll work. Didn't work.

And then he finally goes, I just got to be funny. And then he figured that out. You got to be you. You said something before. You have to be you. My assignment was Sundays. She would give me a spot Monday. maybe Tuesdays you tried to stay out of the store

I need the cocaine and hit the front money and maybe I'd find the cell phone Wednesday she always gave me always gave me Thursday and then two spots you know the main and that movie she loved you I loved her I loved her because she got me she didn't try to touch you your personality at all she tried to bring you in and that was the deal

she came in one night late with Paul I remember Paul Mooney walked in there one night with Sophia Loren or somebody. No, no, not Barbara Streisand, but the one that was with Sinatra, that he told her to get a hanger when she was pregnant. Elizabeth Taylor. He walked in there with Elizabeth Taylor. And Luca came in with Sophia Loren, dog. Alaka?

Yeah, she used to fucking go to that pizza place. They walked in there. That's Italian beauty, dog. I was like, what? I saw a lot of late-night freaks in there. What? What were we saying? She let you be you.

She would make me go, how many nights you're going to keep bombing after Paul Mooney? Wow. That's always like a fucking, that's like my whoop watch. You run 11 miles. You get all, excellent job, but you could have ran 18.

Go fuck yourself. Go fuck you and you're fucking love. I don't know, Mitzie. How long? Maybe switch it up? Yeah, how long? And it was so, it was like magic.

I don't know what the fuck she was doing. Eventually, you figured. Yeah, and even the people who didn't get it served a purpose. It's like the Indian uses every part of the Buffalo. The people who would just garbage and everyone knew it

and got a lot of spots were like this guy that person would drive us. Like this guy gets spots? This guy fucking sucks! Oh, yeah. Why can't I get a spot? And it would just make you,

I got to get better. So that awful comic would make all of us raise our game. It was pretty wild. He's like, either he's going to succeed or he's going to make

all these people succeed. I figured out following Paul Moore, winning my material went out the window. Interesting. First off, it's 12, 15. It's late. Whatever, nine or 13 people there, they've heard everything already. They were probably at a club, trying to eat some pussy,

and they got turned down, and that's why they crossed the street in shame and came in here. You don't know who's in there at 11, 30, 12. So I learned how to go up behind them with number one energy. You better show some fucking energy. You better get Jeff Scott to play the piano. You can come up there dancing, crack a joke about Ricky Iglesias sucking dick or the other guy. Boom.

Wow. You got a different ad energy. Whatever joke you wrote that was brilliant at 8.30 at the coffee shop, that's just not going to work at 1215 following Paul Moody. Yeah. Why are you referring to that notebook? At 1215, take that notebook and shove it up your ass. Ripping half, ain't nothing going to work in there.

He's got to survive. You're dealing with 80% of people are what at 1215? Hello? Hi, drunk, retarded. They're just sitting there with the girlfriend because she was, this is fun and the guys that they worked all day. So what are you doing at 1215 going up there trying to be Johnny Carson, dog? This is when they need Joey Diaz on the corner outside of Hashways

with eight motherfuckers in the middle and you're just dropping. Now look at this fat fuck getting off the bus. Look at this ugly fat motherfucker. You know, that's what they wanted at 1215. And from there, you put together an actor. Yeah, right. Maybe get a joke here. Maybe say something on the spot that could turn it to a joke.

Maybe. What's going on, Lee? It's all over. Look, and then, yeah, who hit you in the head. He's all fucking about taking over the West Bank. And two things I want to drop. Number one, if you think what I'm talking about is bullshit, go to the comedy store.

We'll get you a meeting. and asked them to bust out the archives of the people who were regulars there since 19. And you're going to see, they all went into either stand-up comedy. Tom Hanks, what did he become? A pedophile. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tom Hanks. Coach? Who was coach? Andy Garcia started as a phone guy. Rosie O'Donnell was there. Who's the guy with the fucked up foot in, in a water, but one of those Adam Sandler movies?

He had the, Frozen Foot, the turn black. Not the bomb. The old man. Latino. That old dude, that's in all of Adam Sandler's movies. That dude is from the fucking comedy store. The dude that's...

They'll work there. They perform there. The son-in-law in the movie with Clint Eastwood. That fucking he hates Chinese people. Oh, yeah. The one he tortures, the little Chinese guy next door. Yeah, the Cambodians. That dude is straight.

He's a comedy store dude. And then let's talk. about writers. Robin Williams and fucking all the Grickenison and all those people and Richard Pry. It's a legacy. And you're on the same stage with them and they haven't even fucking cleaned it.

So you're on there. And we're doing, guys, we're doing stuff. I mean, I've gotten my dick sucked on that stage during the show. It's not even a, it's crazy nights that happened. There was some porn star. There was like, I'm gonna, we had a big dick contest.

You know, let me, I'll judge. Bears like, how are you going to judge? She goes, my mouth. Like, okay. It's eight people in the audience. They're like, this is stand-up? Like, not really. I don't know.

No one's here to fire us. And you'd learn how you'd just get a spine. You'd learn how to survive in those moments. And it wasn't about your materials about what you're going to do with it later. I saw Steve Simone once go on after Louis C.K. in about 2015. This is prime Louis. Nobody knows Steve Simone, even now.

He isn't my storytelling show at the end. Get it right now at R.HFere.com. But he went on after Louis CK, did 20 minutes, just crushed. And then Steve gets on, and I'm like, what's going to happen here? This is the wolves. And he does this thing where he goes,

oh my God, Louis CK everybody. I was like, okay. They all clap. And he goes, isn't that crazy? And then he goes, I was in the back. I was like, I can't believe he's going on. We all got to see that.

And then the crowds, instead of like talking about what they just saw, he's like, oh, he's going to lead us to talk about what we just saw. And he goes, you didn't know you were coming. Did you know you were coming out for that? No, it's great. Stuff happens, guys. Stuff happens where you just like, go out and try. And then he like slowly moved into his material.

He got him so hard. He got a standing ovation after Louis C.K. As a nobody, stood him up on his own, on talent alone. and then like three or four years later I had to follow Dave Chappelle and his prime. And I was like, I'm doing that. And I'm like, can you believe it?

And then like five minutes in, I'm making fun of the way he holds a cigarette like a fucking first time smoker. And now they're, I've got him. And I'm like, I learned from Steve, like how do you follow these guys that they just want to see him back? And it's like, oh, you got to be with the crowd for a minute.

You just learn technique. That'll help you. Marilyn Martinez said it the best. She goes, the order of a show on the road, it's the wrong order. Opening is the hardest. That should be the headliner. He's the most equipped. But they give it to the least equipped.

Give it to some four-year comic. They didn't know how to handle that. And that's what it taught us. How to rise to the top in tough moments. It was crazy. It was a crazy place. It was a crazy fucking place. I still remember waking up on a floor in Ralphie's apartment,

hung over. maybe a dollar 30 in your pocket. Yeah. No money in the bank. Fucking, you know when you wake up, you take a, you take a moment,

you open your eyes. Yeah. And you thought about what really happened last night. You know, like, yeah, you have ketchup on your shirt and all the thing.

You went to eat at four in the morning at that place. My point is, like, I wake up now, like when I was doing it on Ralphie's floor, I'd wake up and go, what the fuck am I living? What is this life?

I don't know what this is. I got to wake up now. You had trash leave without Ralphie hearing me. Try to clip a dollar from him because in those days there was no money. Hopefully Ralphie got a 10 and a dollar. He won't miss the dollar. And I could go to the gas station and get an orange juice

and start my day from there. Maybe I go steal a pack of cigarettes at the gas station. And that was my day. You knew where all the deals were. You knew were the best. I moved to onto Point Setti off. Rosie, like the walk. Yeah.

The walk. It's right there. They ask for the fucking meal deal that'll last you three days. And during acting class, I tell you, I took you to a place on Santa Monica, on the corner. This is 98, 2000, 2001, Ari. I was going to Ivana Chubbock. I would take the 10 to 12 class. And before you went to the county store, we would meet on the corner and there was

all you could eat. The all you can eat. Chinese store with sleep. Wishes he could eat. be at right now. Joey Diaz could make it all you can eat map of Los Angeles from memory. Oh my God, because we were poor. You got $6.00 you have. McDonald's had a 29-cent hamburger day and a 39-cent cheeseburger day. Sundays and Wednesdays. I forget which was which. Those are my days. Five cheeseburgers, please. Yeah. Wendy's bacon. No, no, no, the other cheeseburger they had,

it was 50-60 cents and a bowl of chili. That was my lunch. You spread the word. because I could borrow two bucks. And you get all the Coca-Cola's you could drink at the comedy store. You got a small Coke, and then if you're thirsty, you walk to the comedy. Those were calories. And you can sit there all day drinking ginger ale, cherries from the fucking thing. So this show that got released last week, what made you want to do this again, brother? Oh, my show.

It's our HBO. I was like, what? I got to get on this. I'm always looking for new recommendations. No, it was, you know, it was just already stories. storytelling show for a while, then I renamed it. This is not happening. You've done a ton of them. Then we did it on television.

And then this goddamn cunt of an industry. Fucking took it away for me. I sold a special Netflix, Comedy Central, it's a whatever, whatever. Who gives a fuck anymore? But it didn't end the right way. You know how Breaking Bad ended the right way and six

feet under ended the right way? And other shows just kind of ended. Probably under the right way. Yeah, they did it on their terms. They wrote out the ending. He went to fucking he goes i don't want to be here for the end of this game of thrones into the wrong way it just kept going and i was like i got to end this the right way so i was like you know it's enough is enough sigura's like i'll help you i got a whole i got a whole you know employee group it'll help you because the show is big for him the show was big for you ali miss pat you know you're a fucking

mount rushmore like storyteller comic and there was that thing of like so people would ask me too they're like i would go over the stories with comics when we were doing this not happening. This is a completely unrelated show at the end. It's available now at rachshafir.com. But I would go over people. People like, come see my story. I'm going to run it on stage. I'm like, all right, I'll come down there. I'll work it with you. I'm not a producer, but I'm a comic and I'll help you. And we do it every month at the improv. I would start. You did the first one we ever did. In the back. The back side room of the info. The Pink Floyd story. You, Mark Marin, Steve Agee, Medonia talking about getting fucked up on mushrooms

and running down fountain with no clothes on, getting arrested. Carboni. It was a great one. And then because he was so fucking wild with stories. There was no place for that on stage. On regular stage, there was no place. But eventually it became like a little bit more of a thing.

And then I would go work out with people. But people asked me like, well, do you go over Joey Diaz's the stories with him? I go, no. He's proven. Also, when you did the Zeraita story, I think it was called something at a funeral. Yeah. I forget what they titled it.

They didn't always title them right. They didn't fault me sometimes on titles. But there's a writer story. You were like, I'm only going to run the, I'm only going to go over the first part. The second part I don't want to, I'm not going to go over. I don't want to have ever said it before.

Okay. But you're like, the first part, I'm going to run. The joke, joke parts about what happens at a Cuban funeral. Those are worked out, like, jokes part of the story, describing, setting up a scene the way prior would or Cosby would, you know, setting up a scene. And then it got like serious.

And like there was no place for that in stand up back then. To go serious and not in an intentional way, the way Edinburgh hours do like, let me go serious. You were like, you were going serious the way me and Big Jay and you even like do dirty. We're like, guys, I'm sorry. I don't want to do this.

It's just coming out. I get, if you walk out like, no, you're not wrong. You should probably leave. this is disgusting. I can't help it. And that's how that serious was. And that's the writer story. And it was like,

I had to go on after that. I was hosting. It was at Cheetos. Couldn't even speak for a while. I was like crying. I was like, teared up and crying. And I was like,

Joey Diaz one time. And then I had to like wait for the applause to go out because I couldn't go. Now, let's be honest here. Yeah. Men honest. In hindsight.

Yeah. All my. special sucked because I had to showcase the material. Dog, again, we're going to go back to this movie. Yeah? Because the guy did a tremendous job, and I read on it for years, why and how. I even read Jack Nichols, Jack Nicholson's view on it. He would not learn his lines until the day of, and he would read him once, and he got

fucking, they did skits about on Saturday Night Live. He would scotch tape the lines Marlon Brando. So all those scenes and the godfather in the whatever hotel the Regency and all those guys are standing, they have footage,

like not footage, but pictures of what it really looked like. The hotel in Cuba? No, no, no. When they went to the hotel in the city, you know, if anybody should hurt my son. Yeah, okay. Oh, wow. If I get hit by a bolt of lightning, then I will blame some of the people in this room.

And that I will not. That's a brilliant thing. He did that looking at him. They're showing him. They shoot him looking like that with his arms folded. But meanwhile, when I'm reading, he's just... He's got the sign on him.

That says the lines and big fucking words like you'd have to do it Lee right now. Like just... Ha ha ha ha ha. It's my boy. It's 420, motherfucker. Happy 420. So he would do that because it wanted it to be organic. And I'm going to be honest.

You are organic. That's what I'm talking about. You are you. For that stories, for those stories, anybody can make you laugh. Let's see if I can make you cry and fuck with you a little bit. Well, so you challenge yourself. At first, you did just make him laugh. At first, you beating up a nun, shit like that.

That's just funny. It's hilarious. You're a punk fifth grader or whatever. But now let's suck them in. Let's tell him the underbelly. I said shit. I've done this enough. I want to learn this part of my game.

I want to learn a different part. It'd be like Shaquille O'Neal going, you're going to see me next year's hidden threes. You'd be like, what the fuck you're talking about? I want to say how organic it was. When I did, there was two stories that I have to look at myself and go, Joey, that was a therapy session.

Because the time I talk about hitting the nun, listen to what I say before that. I never even thought about that before I got on stage. I could swear to my daughter. I never talked about that pain. That had been in me since 1973. My dad had died. Bruce Lee had died.

You know, there was shit going out in my house. My mother had shit going out at the bar. And I was the only white kid in all-black karate school. I get kicked in the stomach every other week. How do you think I fucking felt at that time of my life? How do you think I fucking felt? And that came out. So, I said a line in the...

the nun story that when I think about it, I got a hole in my stomach. That was not on the agenda. Right. That was all. And that's when I go to Puerto Rican kid, a little Roberto Clemente looking motherfucker. When I said that, look at the react.

I was in shock. They even knew who Roberto Clemente was. I was in shock, but there was so many. Sometimes before I go, I have to do a big show and I'm nervous, I'll put what's happening on. And I'll watch what happened. how I got them to suck in. I did that all subconsciously, man.

I wish I could tell you I was prepared for those. I knew where the story started and I knew where it was going to end whatever came out in the middle. Well, that was you being you. That wasn't, I wouldn't call it shucking. But it was like, it was you just trusting yourself. It's not chucking.

It was like, you could just trust it. People like, how come you don't go? I'm like, because he's a master. So, of course he does whatever the fucking. He's proven it. So, yeah, I don't. Now, first of all, I lived the story. Yeah.

So it's not I wrote this fucking thing. Right, right. This is nothing, the script. There's no script. Right. There's the beginning, the middle, and the end. No, but it's also how you say it. What analogy you're making?

You know, when I take you and that's a riot of cemetery, you can see I can't control myself. Of course, the end, I'm living it. Well, because also you do. When I go, you only need three motherfuckers to survive. Dog, I'm breaking down inside. But it was like, this is what was crazy about it. You start with it. hilarious, like, let me tell you about a Cuban funeral,

how everybody's doing whatever and going nuts and overboard crying, giving out, whatever. And then you say, like, how this lady took care you. So you set up this, like, mom figure, really, she became your mom. And then almost any other great comic, the story ends with Zerida dying. No, I don't know if she died. I don't know if she died.

But I'm saying that's what would be. Right. What you did is you moved it to I'm a piece of shit. This lady took care of me and I'm a piece of shit. I abandoned her in her lowest moment after she took me in and I wasn't even her fucking kid. You made it somehow not about yourself, but like, yeah, you weren't condoning any of your behavior. You were like, that's bad. And you were like this level of regret that anyone can relate to on moments you just can't get back and you just have to live.

with failure and that's what life is. Just living with like I'm not going to ever be able to correct that. It's not like I missed a shot in game seven. Next year we'll be back. I'll get my chance. You'll never get another chance. We've all had those moments where you will never get

another chance to correct it and it'll just make you a stronger person as it makes you a weaker person because you're like, that sucks. By me telling that story, it made me really fucking strong. Because that's what happened. People want the truth. This is what fucking happened.

I was so caught up in that Miami run in California and my uncle That I was so ashamed to call her to tell her what was I couldn't lie to her I tell what was really going on that's why I didn't tell him the story She came from my mother's cut of the street I couldn't call her up and go this is what's going on It was not accepted so I waited So I got cleaned off coke for maybe four weeks so I could call her honestly

And that's what happened She went off on me for not being there and I remember just dropping the phone because she wasn't lying to me. She was not lying. I fucked up, and I can't bring it back. I'm broke. I'm living off people's fucking couches. So that's how the story ended.

And, talk, every time I come up here and I have to drive downtown, I think about Zerai, on Sundays. When I go to get the El Pinchot, I don't go there to fucking eat the piece of meat. I go there to fucking remember when I would meet Zeraiah on that corner every Sunday. And I look at the ball and I remember us being outside and taking pictures and shit, you know.

So I tried to honor her with this. Right. Tell them the story. Tell them what really fucking happened. She was a hell of a woman and it put me up there to knowing what a real woman is the rest of my life. We're not looking for the pretty one. Anybody can get a pretty girl.

We're looking for the one that has got a gun next to. Right. And she was one of those bitches. So, because anybody can be good to you when you're alive. But once you die, are they going to come to your house and give you a kid a $5 a dollar bill on Christmas? No. Just another Hollywood icon that. It was a shame.

What the fuck did you do? You didn't know. For years, you took money out of his fucking pocket with a storyteller show, whatever the fuck. And now you can't take care of the kid. And that's how I feel about our friend. Do not mention his name. The big guy, you know, that I love to give back everything that he gave me coming up. because let's face it, if it wasn't for Rogan, Ralphie,

it was like three guys, man, you, this friendship started over me borrowing $200, and you're saying, I'm never going to see that $200 again. He was like, all right, come on, about $200. I was like, I mean, it was like, I had these savings that were going down, and I didn't know how to say no to him. I've told you this before.

I'm like, all right, for $200, I guess I'll never have to loan him more money. But I'm not, this guy is a criminal. And no one's, no one's helpful. me out here saying, hey, don't do that. I'm just a kid. I'm like, okay. Yeah, and then the next day, here you go. I'm like, what? Here you go back.

Oh, wow. How you doing, man? I'm already. And then came tight on a Rogan thing. And then one day, I'm like, hey, man, I call you up. And I'm like, hey, man, I got to borrow a buck 50 from me. Like, hey, yeah, come over. He goes, I'm auditioning for a commercial. In fact, there's a role here for you.

You want me to call the Korean guy? And I go, yeah, yeah. He goes, come on down. I'll give you the money and audition. Boom, I nailed the roll. That's how I got with Lawrence. Lawrence called me. He goes, you got representation? I've been trying to nail you for years.

Wow. Boom. Dude, I have a joke in my Jew special? That's coming out. Actually, they're putting on Netflix, that Jew special. There's a joke of like, we're the second smartest race in the world.

Jews are the second smartest race in the world. And then I realize the audience, like, wondering who's first. I'm like, Korean. I'm thinking about Lawrence. Lawrence. I'm thinking about Lawrence are there. He was a fucking baller.

But yeah, but seeing you on those shows, doing stories like that. You and Jay and Pat and Ali and Sean Patton, Bert, and then everybody too. Some of the guys had one great story, but like seeing these math, these Hall of Famers doing it.

And it was just like, I mean, it was my show, but also I was an audience member. I'd bring you up, then I'd watch. And so I'm telling you, I was crying after I brought you up. I was like, Joey,

and then I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk, dude. You're gone. And I'm telling you, like I wanted to do that again. I wanted to do it again. So it's like, fuck, I don't need how many central anymore.

I'll just pay for it. We'll just do it. And me and Eric Abrams, the ones who did the show before, so we're alone and just a little bit of extra money and helped us and like, yeah, we did it. All right, I commit for the second season.

You were trying. Trying your best. Your knee fell off in the middle. I'm happy it's 420. It's a control 420. Look at Lee. He's off 420. 20ed up, he just nodded into the microphone and woke himself up.

That's the best thing since the Twitch episode when he fell asleep on the computer. He won't be on camera. So you got no dates coming up. I'm doing a storytelling show in the Netflix festival on May 7th. That's it. That's fucking it until January. Well, also I'm on Legion of Skanks every Monday. Okay.

Three for life. And then, uh, so you leave in May when you come back? Come back right afterwards. We'll hang out. You'll be in New York City after that. Yeah. It's a pretty Yankee game. I want to do a co-headlining show with you in a theater in Manhattan, like a six-week series.

We could possibly do it at the Sony Theater. It seats 500. We could pay two other comics to come up with us, you know, one of the girls, some of the guys that you know. You know, and do a variety of-year. Let's do an old-school one on payment blow. No, we can't pay people blow them up. I thought we were talking about the old days. You got me locked in.

No, there's been locked in. I ain't giving nobody fentany. I'm too old right now. It's paying fentany. Because I gave some 20-year-old some fucking powders in New York. Let's just keep it to the comedy. Yeah, I'm joking.

Like a fucking make flyers like we did. The Castro shirts with that Yahoo on the back. You know, let's go. Let's go. We got to fucking listen. My dream was to take over the boroughs. Yeah. Castro did he took over the Provincius.

Little by little. Why? Take over the main borough? Let's take over Jersey. Jersey and we took over Staten Island. We took over Brooklyn. Next is Queens. And after that, we head into the city.

By that time, Ari will be back. My leg will be ready. And we could do something crazy, Ari. I don't give a fuck if I get arrested. I didn't get arrested for worse. Let's do Lenny Bruce. Let's go get arrested for words. Let's go fucking do it like an eight city tour.

We'll take Lee. He's the fucking king of swing up front. Yeah. We'll get three Jews and a cute. All sleeping. of us. Why is the aim to get arrested, though? We got to make a... Got to aim for it.

You want to leave something behind for your kids to be proud of you. That's the way you prove it. You want to hit one over the fence. You don't want to just do comedy. You want to be fucking comedy, brother. And sometimes if you got to drive with a flat tire for three days, so be it. In there? It's a rental car. No fuck's given. You sign the agreement. You know what I'm saying, dog. That's what I'm talking. It's not comedy. It's a state of mind, Lee. It's a state of mind let me tell you some of all that confusion you're going to write some of the best material you've ever written in your life yeah there's no sink or swim there's no nice hotels it's

super eights you get the little towel and they smell like you know what so that's what the tour is at the end and call it that's it if i make it out of this tour i'm lucky this is when you just hung a niche and go i don't know how about the a it's hello kumedi like comedy No, fuck him. He's been dead for 30 years. Oh, okay. Who's this, Aayatoll? He's not Ayatoll Kamani.

I don't give a fuck. A different one. I've kept up. With a missile. That's nice. And everybody holding one of a machine gun and Netanyahu whipping us while we shoot people. Look, I'll put out my little juke curls. We make videos of us helping Netanyahu hold people.

Do you want the cigarette? And you're still doing a podcast now? You took a breather. Now travel podcast. And when you did it, your place here the last time. That was very fun. You'd be tripping. That was fun.

Doing a lot of them. I've been a fun. I recorded a year ahead of time before I went on vacation before I went traveling. I got a year's worth ahead of time. So I was off in fucking Brazil, partying and carnival. My podcasts were still coming out. I was eating steaks in Buenos Aires.

My podcast was still coming out. This was for you young comics at home and Lee and everybody. Ari and I had a conversation about 10 years ago. Here we are with CAA, the world's number one agency. And me and Lee are like, what the fuck is going on. Nothing's going on. We just keep going on the road.

And it was funny. At one point I go, you know, we always thought that when we got with a big agency, you could just sit back and smoke cigarettes. But no, you still got to hustle more now. Because now they put you in the A league for sure. You've been walking around in the A league mentally. And Johnny Mansell was fine in high school.

When he got to the pros, it was game over. You got to try. You got to try. Yeah. And it was really weird that we would see. say we would sit behind those comedy store steps at two in the morning and devour your dreams for each other. Yeah.

Man, I can't wait with him. I'm never going to get bumped by Eddie Griffin again. I can't wait to get with CA. This shit is not going to happen. And so you just learned a lesson. And guess what? You could be with two of the best agents in the world. You still got to hustle.

Yeah. You got to make your own way. You got to make your own fucking way. We are lucky. Our agent was with somebody else. Then CIA lost half their agencies overnight one day. And then they asked our guy, like, do you want to be? And me and Joy, like, so what does that mean for us?

And he goes, it means you're with CIA. I'm like, what the fuck? Like the feet of the night. What? We went from a... Hudson County style. Through the back door. Through the back door.

Through the back door. Just like that. And I kept my mouth shut. I hinted once or twice about the fucking theatrical. They shut me down. I'm like, you know what? Whatever, whatever. I don't give a fuck, Jay.

I'll get to them because they're like the mafia, dog. You got to show up every Friday. Yeah. And I send it quick. When I land, that's the first check my right. They got the commission Tuesday. I don't want any problems at them. Keep them happy.

I don't want any problem because when you owe them, it's not good. They're the Jews. They're the real deal. And that's why I'm with them. I love them to debt. No complaints here. But it's funny that we're with the best agency. You're still going to work.

You still got to get up every morning like your balls are on fire, even more than when you were 26 or 27. So if you're an open micah and you think you're working now and oh my God, I can't wait until it gets easier. Bitch, at the 30-year mark, you're still waking up eating cereal going, what am I going to do? Am I end up on a ship or playing the ukulele at somebody's house? Yeah. It's real. It's real. You know how fortunate we are to be here to talk about stories from 90s,

on the Sunset Strip, 2004, getting the longest yard, watching all of us grow. I still remember our boy when he came to me one night. It was like a dead Thursday night. He's like, Joey, I just got my seven producer session and I can't book a TV show, and he had sadness. And I looked at him and I go, brother, if you booked, if you went to seven producers session, you're right there.

You're right there, yeah. You're in the machinery. you're not a civilian no more. You're in the machinery. They're talking about it. You're making people think. And two weeks later, you got that stupid show on FX.

When it's easy. Run is easy, yeah. I still remember. He was taking inner city kids on tours of the trees up on Laurel Canyon for nothing. The only way he made money

was to steal the comedy store left and right. It would be like, one for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. And he paid his rent on that. And then one day he was just big. But right, he was in the mix. But like you said, well, you've seen these stories enough times. We're like, I know how this is going to go.

I remember Tim Dillon going like, oh, it's tough for me. I'm like, Tim, they're talking about you. I can hear them talking about you. Now it's up to you how much that'll go. If you get into drugs or women, well, that wasn't going to be his problem. But if you get into drugs or her ass pussy, sure, that might like take you off your track. But they're talking about you're on this escalator right now. to you how far you want to go but like trust me you're gonna be fine i think six months later he got new faces in montreal and then he was off to the races and then like you said cover the spread did the extra work but like you can just know like dude you're about to you're about to be fine column tyrell on this on on the end on the storytelling show he's like you're about to you're about to

you're about to get listen i took a bunch of animals too but i'm in training I have to cut this episode short before Lee falls off that couch and then we're done because they'll sue everybody. I'll instruct them. I'll say sue me, get 70, 30, whatever. The insurance will take care of it. Yeah, split it up. I don't know.

You almost fell before. You got to pay that you got to pay. Halfway slanted. Like one of those junkies you talk about that you walk by in the city. You're making me nervously. He's got the lean. He's got the weed lean. He's got to get in training.

You're all right, buddy? Yeah. No, he's okay. I love you, brother. Thank you. Buddy, I love you too. So great to see you. I wish you.

I missed you so much when I was gone. I know you don't have a passport because of your past crimes, but you would have loved a lot of these places that I went to. I know. I would have loved a lot of things over that. But, you know, the law disagrees with you, me, and the fucking eight grand I've already spent on false promises. I got my 200 bucks, so I'm good.

Someday a senator is going to hear this and fucking reach out and go, Joey. Listen, I did the background. Okay. You're good. Let me just make the fucking call. Shut it down. And then I'll make the call to the State Department where you want to go. Everywhere, China, Hong Kong, London.

You just played Toronto. You would sell out the city. No, no, no, that's, listen. That's Canada. That's a complete different animal. Those motherfuckers, they don't play. They're like herpes. They never forget your sins.

Yeah. try getting in there you're not gonna get you want to go to a multi coast some shit like that you want to just want to go to italy yeah i want to go to spain need some paella i want to do with those type of things yeah listen if we're going to walk around and look at churches leave me at home leave me at home i got a bum knee and a fungi told me i went to cuba you would have loved that i know i got 3 000 fucking uh steps today right now at this knee after that my knee starts to hurt boy so i'm happy i'm having surgery next week at this time next week i'll be fucked up at the house brother.

You got that good opium? For the first two or three days, I'm going to go with the pain pills because what are you going to do? I'm getting all these cartridges. Some guy gave me like a recipe to kill pain at least by 40%. He said he got off to opiates

in like eight days. I'll give you some advice. Every time you do a pain pill, do two shots of Jack Daniels, and you are nice. That's okay. Take it to leave it. Hey, with my advice, you take her to leave it.

Listen, I give a lot of bad advice too. I love you, motherfucker. Thank you. Lee, I love you, brother. I love you. I... What'd you say? I said, I love you too, buddy.

All right. I love you guys. See you the same bad time. Same bad channel. Yeah!