Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - At Least I'm Not Lying with Paul Virzi

Episode Date: February 25, 2025

One of the wildest episodes of The Church to date! Comedian Paul Virzi joins the Church to talk everything from picking up hitch hikers on The FDR, the only people who are allowed to judge you, the thing Joey and Paul both do that holds them back comedically and more! Support the show and get 35% off your first 3 NYKD orders at https://www.nykdpouches.com/CHURCH

It's Tuesday the 25th of February. It's almost over cocksuckers Anyway, we got the church New Testament. We got a nice guest and It's Tuesday morning. Let's get this fucking party started. What's happening? You bad savages you I'm gonna talk to you guys about on it on it is one of my all-time favorite companies We haven't spoken about them in a while, you know I I go on my little alpha brain cycles from time to time now they've improved that alpha brain they got alpha brain powder they got alpha brain everywhere and it's tremendous the

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Church, get 10% off your first order. Now without further ado, let's get this motherfucker started. Welcome back to church! We're back bitches! What's happening? We got my main man in the house tonight, Mr. Paul Vizzi, V-I-R-Z-I. I just can't say it because my false tooth gets in the way. What other words can't you say? We got our word, we got our main man fucking Lee Syatt over here. He's sober today no more

He's old I can't keep doing this you fucking nuts we do this still with dead Before you become a seal they give you like a thousand milligrams cold. And I've done that 800 times. And no water, so knock it the fuck off. A thousand milligrams of no water and you sit there, beach shivering. No Navy SEAL has ever taken a thousand milligrams. They don't take it, somebody gives it to you.

You know what I'm saying? It's the fucking Navy. What's the most you ever taken? 2200. What? You took a decent one. I took 3000, was the biggest for me. Yeah, about the same. You go to hospital? No. We send people to the hospital. I swam in the Hudson.

What is an edible gonna do to me? If you swam in the valley, what is an edible gonna do to you? You're immune to it. What the fuck is wrong with people? That's like white kids from Iowa. I don't know what to do. My heart was beating. East coasters here. What are you talking about? Listen, as much as I'm laughing, that would be me. Well, from the East Coast.

Remember when your father used to beat your mother? And your heart would beat the same fucking thing. Same fucking thing. They got divorced before he could beat her. Yeah, but okay. your mother and your heart would beat the same fucking thing. Same fucking thing. They got divorced before he could beat her. Yeah, but who cares? You ever hear like a neighbor beating up his wife, your heart's beating, you're hiding under the bed and shit when you're raising.

You hear it, are you with me? Are you with me? Oh man, 2200. I would be fucked up, man. Me and my buddies one time, we were like in high school and I'm not a big weed guy, cause I got that paranoid anxiety shit. But I was a drinker, I would drink.

We would go in, we'd do that 40 shit, we're drinking 40s and all that shit, right? We would just call people over, give them five bucks and pay them a little, they would come out with either the old English crazy horse, old D, crazy horse. Old D and shit. Old D, crazy horse, that shit, right? Those are your Negro days.

So yeah, yeah, so. No, no, my buddy had a Riviera. This is when you were still black. He was, dude, he had a Riviera. We go down the FDR with Wu Tang pumping. Seriously, Wu Tang's pumping. We're going down, we think we're cool, skip in school to drink in Manhattan, do dumb shit.

And we picked up a hitchhiker off the FDR and he goes he gave us weed and like assholes We went back to my buddy's house, and we smoked it, dude I hit this weed and I remember I don't know how long the time was because I was it did something to was laced I'm staring at my buddy's kitchen floor and my butt. I don't know if I stared at it for five minutes or five hours I just was staring at it And then I looked up at my friend and the pattern of the floor was on his face. And I fucking started shaking. And he's laying, I'm laying down on the couch,

he's rubbing my back, he's telling me, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna have a heart attack. You know, the fuck, I go, how long was I sitting there? It was fucked, so after that experience, the weed, I don't fuck with it. But it was stupid, who smokes shit from a stranger? It was laced, something. I'm new to New York.

The FDR is like a highway. That's the shit, you would've loved it. Yeah, when a a stranger? It was laced, something. I'm new to New York. That's the good shit. The FDR is like a highway. That's the shit. You would have loved it. Yeah, when a stranger gives you weed, that's my world. It was a stranger hitchhiker. And we just fucking smoked it and it did something to me, man. It fucking did something to me.

How did you pick up a hitchhiker on the FDR? It's like a highway. Yeah, he was just going like this. He was walking up and it was off the side. My buddy just, my buddy was, come in, come in. He ran up, ran in the car real quick. Hey, can you take it? We took him. Did you ever pick up a hitchhiker Joey?

Cuz you pitchhiked in Colorado, but I know we're gonna unless you're a hot chick Let's be honest, are you gonna stop for some guy looks like Grizzly Adams? No, it could be a hundred degrees You're like fuck this dude There's a chick out there with a white dress and a thong on you see how fucking And she could have pleased it's on her face. You're still pulling over. I'm saying you're still pulling over I get a look I'd have to look and then go I had the weirdest experience and I don't With I don't know no, no the other one, Nebraska. I was coming back from Michigan and my fucking tire blows out and I kept sitting on the side of the road and a chick pulls up and like a

Toyota fucking smoking with a white dress on fucking the flip-flops dirty chick and she's like get in I'll give you a ride to town hi and she's like you should come over. I'm like oh shit at that time or years earlier HBO had a show called the H Hiker and You know, it would be a guy picking up a check and they were fucking sucked and he dropped her off in Jersey So I'm young. I'm 20. No, I'm not fucking young. I'm 30 something and She's telling me all this shit. I'm like here I'm getting fucking pussy. And next thing you know, he goes, yeah, if you're hungry, we go back to the house, we'll eat and then we have prayers at six.

I live in a- Got what? Prayers. I live in a, I live in a whatever, like a commune. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We say prayers, we're Catholic, we're Christian. I'm like, you can drop me off at the gas station. That was the end of that fantasy.

Fuck it, I'm gonna go say prayers. Pray to get laid. I'll do anything. I'll work you to death, but I don't want to pray for pussy. You know what I'm saying? In front of a bunch of other Christians and shit. Because it's time to focus. When you want to fuck somebody, you ain't praying.

No. You're saying, God, how good is that ass taste? Yeah, let's get back. Ha ha gonna give me stitches and shit. I'm gonna look like a Doberman with a bandage on. You know, you ever see when a shepherd gets his ears done? People take them out. With a little cone around his ear. Yeah, leave him at home.

The poor guy don't even wanna be out. The dog's like Jesus Christ. They took me out with this fucking, Dobermans had that, not German shepherds, when you fix their ears. When they clip them, they clip the ears to make them pointy. So I don't know what's gonna happen Wednesday.

I don't know if they're gonna give me pills, I don't know if they're gonna put me out, I have no fucking idea. Oh shit. They might just shoot me, he's an Indian guy, so I trust him, you know what I'm saying? Those Indians, they got a steady hand. Yeah.

I love when you say stuff like that, like we're supposed to know what it means. He's an Indian guy, like what does that mean? I don't know, he's good. India only sends the best here. They don't send our meek, what's America will take you? You can be blind. No, you want an Indian doctor.

Yeah, Indians and Jews. Really, it's changed, I was gonna say it, it's not Jews anymore, it's Indians? No, but Indians. It's either. Okay. It's either. Yeah, it's like half down the middle.

Yeah. I had no idea They're taking it out. I didn't know they found what like that. I didn't know there was anything in there They're gonna slice it and clean that motherfucker up I was supposed to go for a second opinion tomorrow, but every time I call it's a 20-minute wait They want to put me back into the rotation and call me in an hour go fuck yourself They can call you when you're jerking off or you're taking a shit, or you're walking in the house with groceries.

Hi, and you're like, listen, I just got groceries. Call me later. I called you three hours ago. What happened, though? A yeast infection, and then I got rid of the yeast infection and something started hurting in there. I kept going to the doctor, there's something in there, no, no, no, put this cream on it.

Just yank it the fuck out. Get the cocaine, there's something in there. No, no, no, put this cream on it. Just yank it the fuck out. Get the cocaine, shoot it in my ear. Get it out. Get the fucking knife, let's go. Why are we, what's going on since October with this fucking guy? Yeah, I hate that. I go to the doctor, get it done now.

Yeah, what are we doing? How long? October. I got body work, I got shit to do, Jack. When you get old, shit happens. I gotta go get my teeth fixed. I gotta go fucking fix my ear. I got shit to do Jack when you get old shit happens. I gotta go get my teeth fixed I gotta go fucking fix my ear. I need glasses Yeah, you got all the senses gotta be yeah, I've been fucking using a reading glass

I've had these reading glass and CVS's these things like you can step on them light them on fire everything else breaks Do you even like do the test with those glasses to see which one helps? I feel like you just go pick one and it might not even be the right one No, they have numbers on them right two point seven five three. Okay. I think three point. Oh is the highest I thought they give you a dog They give you a stick in the dog I'm excited to get that fixed. It's been hurting you for a while what your ear. Oh I'm excited to get that fixed. It's been hurting you for a while. What your ear? Oh

Some days I have a headache on this side and the ear banging on this side and every morning I got to open this up and let the fucking shit draw. Oh, is it hearing fucked up? I hear what I want to hear I got selective here. Yeah, why you do a gig for 50 bucks? What? No, I'm going my is fucked up. My ears fucked up. Get that number up, I fucking hear you better. Get that number up, I hear you better. Yeah. I know man, I got all kinds of, I got back issues.

That's right. Neck issues, I got herniated discs. Oh. You know, cause I play, I'm an asshole though. Like I'm in my 40s, I play basketball on Sunday, Monday nights, take it seriously. That's good. No, but but you know like you act like it's gonna be recreational and then next thing you know,

I'm fucking, I'm like dude I'm close to a triple double, it's nuts, close to a triple double, what am I fucking nuts? My wife goes, my wife said to me, she goes if you fucking get hurt, go home with one of your friends. You're not coming back here if you fucking tear something. Just see that Tom Segura tape.

Oof, that. Did you see that? Yeah, that was fucked. How come you're still playing basketball? That was, well, I wouldn't do that. You know, I was, I'm an, I'm athletic, I guess. But his shit looked like a fuck. That was really, dude, that was fucked up. Let me tell you something, man. And people.

Once you're over like 35 is a different game. Once you're over 40, it's a really different game. It is. Listen, I remember getting out of high school and one Sunday, out of high school, they said come to where that football player was from. They had a flag football league. I played one game and I covered. I couldn't walk the next day. Flag football. I'm lifting weights. I'm fucking drinking. I'm snorting coke. I'm in the best half my life and I go play flag football I can't get out of bed on fucking Monday. Yeah, I was 21. What the fuck? Yeah You know, it's all changes at all. But once you get over 40 man, all that shit gets tricky

It's funny you say that cuz that's what they said They said the most injuries the most injuries for for dudes over 40 that there's basketball They tear their knees. It's fucked up, man. Jiu-Jitsu, basketball, I do anything I can to lose weight. So in LA, during the pandemic, I picked up bike riding. And that was okay. I got the helmet. I forgot about that. Everybody who gets a bike, it goes into the garage

after three times and collects dust. It's the fuck. During the COVID, everybody was fucking John Keeley. Everybody was riding their bike everywhere. I go out to the shop, right? I do this. Once the COVID ended, everybody's bike. That's what happened to the other people.

The one that you bought. What's the bike you ride at home? Oh, the Peloton. The Peloton. They sold two million of them during the pandemic. Now, nobody wants a Peloton. Everybody's got them on a yard sale. Go to a yard sale.

Give me the small 20. Take it, because it's just a coat hanger. Now it's like Renna Center. They do it for like 20 bucks a month. They don't buy you camp. Like they were like two grand. I remember those bikes. Yeah.

They were expensive. Fuck that. And I remember I took a bike ride and I went and got my tooth done and fuck it. She gave me Vicodin. And I got up that morning, my tooth was hurting, and I can't see without my glasses. So all the pills were together.

So I thought she gave me the Moxacillin and whatever. The antibiotic. I thought it was the Moxacillin, it was the Vicodin. I popped one of those, I get on the bike, like Johnny from the bar, it's eight in the morning, I'm out there on fucking, not Magnolia. Was it Magnolia Lee, the big street where the restaurant was. That's Magnolia.

Yeah. It was Magnolia, no, yeah. Where Marie T was. Yeah, it wasn't Magnolia, but Colfax? Colfax. Yeah. I'm on Colfax. I'm having a great time.

I'm in the HOV lane, you know that? That little bike lane they got. I'm sticking to my Ps and Qs. I wouldn't ride behind anybody because they're breathing and the shit's spittin' and you're back there, you know, sucking COVID, all his germs. So if there was somebody on a bike in front of me, I would cross the street and go opposite, you know, right?

So I'm driving the fucking bike and all of a sudden, I'm starting to feel fucked up. I'm starting to sweat profusely. I'm fucking sweating like a storm. I've only been riding a bike for 15 fucking minutes. What's going on? I mean, it's coming out of me, you know what I'm saying? I can see I'm not even riding the bike between the lines.

I'm going outside the lines and shit. I'm not even in the line. And then I went to go on the sidewalk and I fell. And I'm like, that's no good. I'm taking this fucking jet back to the house. And I went back to the house and I'm there ready to make the turn and I fucking fell well You got it back on the bike Yeah, I didn't fall the first time. I was just high. I'm not walking from cold water and fucking cold fags back to my house

You ride that bike back like a soldier you left with it you gotta bring it back you ride that bike back. You know what I'm saying, like a soldier. You left with it, you gotta bring it back. Yeah, you gotta bring it back. I fucking hit the thing, I'm ready to make a turn and right away, boom, boom, boom, boom. I just fucking went down the door and some guy was looking at me and I'm shaking my head. He's shaking his head, I'm like, it's not good. Then I got the bike up again, I got on it again.

20 feet later, I fall down again. I'm like, it's not good. Then I got the bike up again. I got on it again. 20 feet later, I fall down again. I'm like, oh fuck. This time I landed on my chest. I thought the fucking thing was broken. And I went. The shit we do when we're by ourselves. Like you don't need a camera for this shit. You know what I'm saying?

This is for your entertainment purposes. I fell on Times Square like a month ago. I was running to a mic and I just, need a camera for this shit. You know what I'm saying? This is for your entertainment purposes. Oh dude. I fell on Times Square like a month ago. You what? I was running to a mic and I just, it had one of the like the crosswalks, it had like a little island in the middle and I didn't see the curb and I just kicked it

and in the middle I just went, I could be, for some reason, time always, did time slow down when you fell on the mic? Always. Because I was falling, I could feel myself and I got my hands and like tourists came over and saw if I was okay. Like I, it was the-

It's embarrassing. Oh yeah. Oh, when you fall. I got right up. My brother, I guess he just was with some whore online that he got found online, like a Craigslist whore back in the day. Like, you know, back in the day,

you could just go to Craigslist. And like, my brother was like a shy kid, but like if you wanted to get laid, you know, he would sort of sit, this is back. And this chick, this chick, you know, back in the day, you could just go to Craigslist. And like, my brother was like a shy kid, but like if you wanted to get laid, you know, he would. So this is back, and this chick, this chick, I guess, like he called me up, he goes, man, he goes, I had, cause my brother's one of these, he passes out when he sees blood and shit.

So when he goes for a physical, he has to, no, he, they know, like he goes, he lays back, he can't see needles in a movie, he goes out, right? Yeah, I put earphones on. Yeah, yeah, so he, so, so. That's what I do, I put earphones on. Joey doesn't say anything. No, he can't, he can't he, so. That's what I do, I put earphones on. Joey does the same thing.

No, he can't, he can't see. You put on Santana and he looked the other way. He calls me up, he calls me up and he goes, yo dude, he goes, I think I fucked this woman without a condom, man, and I don't know, I just met her, right? So I was selling, at the time, I was selling phone cable internet door to door in Queens.

When I dropped out of college. So I was knocking on people's doors in Queens at six o'clock at night selling phone cable internet. That was my job and they gave us a hard hat. For no reason I had a hard hat. I had a fucking hard hat. You know what I would do with the hard hat? I'd go, yeah, you see those lines up there?

We fucking meanwhile, we did fiber optics in there. But I was just talking shit, right? I had a clipboard and stuff. So people would let me in. This is the true story. A Greek woman lets me in, right? And she had kids, but she was probably in her like mid 40s. And as I'm sitting there signing her up,

I realized she's coming on to me. She's talking to me about a guy she's not with anymore. And she goes, I like younger guys. She goes, I was just at a nightclub with Greeks. She's like, me and my girlfriend took home these 20 something year old Greek kids. I'm telling her I'm Greek and Sicilian, and I'm 23 at the time, and she's into it.

My brother's calling me. Yo, I fucked her, we're not a con. I go, buddy, give me a sec, give me a sec. So he's going, Paul, you gotta, and I said, Christian, I can't talk right now. I can't talk right now. I gotta go. Next thing you know, he's on the train platform.

As he's going down, somebody screamed, get him an ambulance. He came off the thing and was just so worked up about fucking this woman that he fucking just went down on the platform at the subway. But he said, what Lee said is true. He said it was slow motion. But he said while he's going down, he hears call an ambulance.

They said call an ambulance while he was down. But in his mind, he was fucking like this. But he was freaked out about that, man. And he fell on the, I go, buddy, you'll be all right fell Did he fall where the trains were? Did he fall down the stairs? No, no, no, you like you know like in between the trains, right? He was on the platform and he just was like really distraught over what happened. He went down he went down Yeah, but he heard somebody say call an ambulance, but he was down when he heard it Does he blame you for not being able to talk? Everything worked out like he was

Everything worked out. Does he have HIV now? He's fine, no he's fine. He's got a little twitch. That was the one time it freaked him the fuck out though, man. It freaked him the fuck out. That happened to me with a condom on. What? At the 1040 club, I was 17, and these animals went over there

and I didn't have my own car, and I got stuck with them, and they paid for me to go in the back. And I had a condom on and she jumped on top of me and she was fucking just grinding. And I'm like, this is disgusting. I could hear the condom going, d-d-d-d-d-d-d.

And the mattress was fucked up on the bed. It was one of those ping-pang-poos, the beds that you open up and. What's a ping-pang-poo? That's what Cubans call them, is un ping-pang-poo. It's one, the beds that you open up and. What's a ping-pong poo? That's what Cubans call them, it's un ping-pong poo. It's one of those beds that you open up and you lay it down and you sleep. Like a cot?

Yeah, like a cot, you sleep in your godmother's room. This place was a 1040 club, it was a hookah place. In the city it was 9.99 plus tax, 1040, so fuck it. It had like beds but cubicle walls. Like little cubicle walls. You can hear everybody fucking. And she's on top of me, and I'm like oh God get off. I didn't know what to do.

And finally she stops. She goes, for an extra $10 I'll let you eat my pussy. And I just threw her off. I'm like you fucking billy goat. I'm not licking that greasy thing. Remember those shitty futons with the wood, the woods that would break? Remember the futons with the-

I broke a couple of them. You know what I mean, right? Oh yeah. The thin wood. Yeah, the Japanese. Yeah, the Japanese people weigh a hundred pounds. You're gonna put a Cuban on there that weighs 200. Ralphie May had a futon.

When he first moved to fucking- The rest is sold. Los Angeles, that motherfucker had a futon at Joy Medina's house. And I went over to see him and he was laying down one day. And when I walked in, he goes, Coco, and he got up, and you're, ta ta ta ta. He was like, ta ta ta ta.

You know what a futon is, right? Yeah, oh dude, it was, nothing was worse though. Nothing's worse than when you were gonna hook up in the bed situation with shitty, like a shitty mattress in the corner. Who needed a bed? No fucking. When I was young, there was no bed in the corner, like an shitty mattress in the corner. Who needed a bed? No fucking. When I was young there was no bed in the corner.

Like an animal. What do you mean no bed? No, you got up against the corner, her neck is full of things. You don't give a fuck, right? When you're in the heat of passion, she's like ouch, ouch. You're trying to pull her hamstring, pull her leg back,

while you're eating pussy in the car. You were in the car, remember that fucking in the car? How disgusting was that? And you had to push the seat up. No, pussy in the car. You were in the car, remember that fucking in the car? How disgusting was that? And you had to push the seat up and you couldn't eat. Your legs had to fucking stick out the window. Yeah, I had a Toyota Tricel. I tried the 69, I almost died in the fucking car. In the back with a chick in Michigan, Dearborn, Michigan.

She was a little Arab chick. Where you almost died? Yeah, because I couldn't breathe. She dropped on me in the back seat. She just dropped that hip on Papa, huh? She sat on your face? Oh, fuck yeah. I had my nose in her asshole deep.

I could smell falafels fucking. Fucking. Oh, fuck. 1995, my first road together. How do you remember the year? Because how are you gonna forget? Somebody's sitting on your face? her legs gave out and she just dropped on my face and I'm

Sound like a fucking kid with autism This is not good tonight, You know what I'm saying? We're gonna get canceled for this one, but I don't give a fuck. I'm 62, I got nothing to lose. Take it all, I don't give a fuck at this point. People are gonna try to say shit. Yeah, take it all, I don't give a fuck.

That shit's going away anyway, I think. What? Just every, you know. No, that was all a bullshit phase for people who bought into that shit. There's some people who made it back and there's some people who just didn't. They let it happen.

Don't let it happen, stick up for yourself. Say this is why I did it. If you don't like it, go fuck yourself. Yeah, you're not gonna have a job. You're not gonna have a sponsor for a while. So you gotta start from scratch. And then six months, it's forgotten. But you're right, if you're honest about it,

and you go, yeah, that's the way. It's funny too, because you're breaking balls with friends back in the day, it was never malicious. It was never malicious. I never used a slang word against a group that was malicious against a group. It's just what you called your friends. You would joke with your friends,

you'd talk shit with your friends. Then when you did it on a podcast, or you did it on stage, these people were able to go at you, and you're going, I didn't, fuck, you don't know me. You don't know the person I am. They went after me for a podcast where I told the story about 1997. The podcast was done in 2009

and they came after me in 2020 and I refused. I was like, you bitches could suck my dick. All of you. In fact, I got it. It worked. I put a story about going down on a one-legged woman in Boulder. I delivered Chinese food to her and they'll peek her ass and shit. But it was also your parole officer.

Yeah she was my parole officer. It wasn't just a woman. No she was originally my parole officer. Then I got off parole and things happened. Now can I ask a question though? When you say one leg is it like half or like the top? No, no, she had like a limp. So in my mind, I always thought that this leg was all,

she got shot in Vietnam. She was good looking. So when I went to take her pants off, I took the pants off the good leg because I didn't want to know about the bad leg. I didn't want it to get in the bad way. You got a nut and all of a sudden she gonna tell you she stepped on a grenade.

I don't wanna hear that. I'm ready to fucking' eat some ass. Austin, I gotta hear a fuckin' Vietnam story or whatever war she went to. I don't know what happened to her. Very good lookin', very good, tall. And I just put it up, I said, fuck it. If you like that story, wait till you listen to this one.

Bam. And then it was your brother who called me and said, listen, they wanna fuckin' wave a white flag. They don't wanna do this no more. Because fuckin' my people from the podcast were not those bitches. Oh, okay. Yeah.

It was classic. Well, it's weird, because like, I think one of the reasons podcasts are so big is because people feel like they connect with the hoax. And it's honest. Because we're talking the way we normally talk. They're not seeing us on stage doing a bit, telling a story. They're seeing us shooting the shit here, having fun.

And it brings them into our personal world is what it is. Listen, when I do a podcast, I don't want to feel censored. Right. I don't want people to say this because don't. This is what people do. And this is how we speak. If this is not what you want to do, go watch fucking a clean podcast. Go do whatever suits you. That's the right we have as Americans. But the right that we don't have as Americans is me going, I don't like what Paul Verzi

said. I'm going to fucking show the video and cancel him. That's not a right. There's two people who could do that. A man by the name of G. O. D And a judge a good fucking yeah judge in New York City That's right like an old Jew judge that looks at you in the sentence here, and you take it like a man That's who could judge me that specific that Nice old you Stairs you down like fucking a bad foot or something He's in a bad mood. Amazon stock went down.

You know. Oh, that's a rough day. You know, and that's who could judge me. That's who could sentence me. But three white chicks, four white dudes. Cause it's always a dude too. When it comes to sex, it's two chicks and a dude. And I like to grab that dude by the neck and go,

come here. You mean to tell me you wouldn't get your dick sucked in the bathroom at a restaurant? Well, I, Yeah. You'd die for that. Yeah. You lion sack of shit.

And you want to know something? You lion sack of shit. No, he's right. And a lot of times these people that call out people for saying things, when you go to their past, it's worse. It's almost like a, everybody's got their fucking bodies. Nobody's got the right

Yeah. to go into your past. If you want to go into my Twitter from 2016, go ahead, you're not going to like what you see. You're not going to like what you see. But I don't give a fuck. I could have gone back there and erased it all. I don't care.

What's done is done. You cannot judge. The one that destroyed me was when they went after the fucking white dude, the judge, because he grabbed the girl's mouth during a fucking sorority party. 20 years ago, the white guy.

Yeah, the Supreme Court guy. Remember how he covered a girl's mouth in a party? What would you rather do, cover the mouth or put a dick in there? Let's get that off the bat. If he covered her mouth, that's one thing. Cover the mouth or put a dick in there? Let's get that off the bat. If he covered the mouth, that's one thing. Could you imagine spitting that dick in there? Then that's another.

But you're gonna try to cancel him about something he did? Dog, I saw a thing they were trying to cancel, Sinatra, Dean Martin and the Rat Pack. People went after Vegas, dog. It was insane. They were trying to go after Sinatra for being a fucking womanizer that they were trying dog they went at Vegas and said we want

to take Sinatra out get the fuck out here he died and whatever he wasn't even fucking them we had a wig he was forgetting his lyrics and shit the fuck is wrong with people? Yeah, it's, cause they just went on their run. They went on their run. They went on their run, they went down a list. Yeah, and they go and look at something you did. It's evil, man.

They go look at something you did in 1995. Listen man, I can't judge over 1995. Right. How old were you in 1995? 14, 15, yeah. you did creepy things You jerked off in places you shouldn't have yeah came on things you shouldn't know right? Yeah, there was a camera We all would have been in jail. He's fucking nailing it right now. Yeah, I'm like, you know something but yeah No, it's 12 and 13. You do the creepiest. I did some shit that I'm not proud of no

Yeah, I don't it that had big tits. I would sniff her bra. I would go to a house just to sit in the bathroom and sniff her fucking bra. And I'd get all dizzy and shit. But that's what a 12 year old does, an 11 year old. Then when I was 13, I graduated to the douchebag stick. The hot water bag with the string. You go to your mother's house. They had the red bag with a little thing.

That's a douchebag. They don't know what that is. You take that, sniff that motherfucker, you pump out a little Malukie in the bathroom, you come out, your cheeks are red, you're hungry, your mom's like, look at him. He hasn't eaten like this in a while. He hasn't eaten like this in a while.

He's walking with a limp, you know. No, if people, that's actually a really good point though, Joey, it's like if people would have saw some of the shit that you did as a 14 15 year old kid and then judge you today It's it's kind of crazy if you think about you know what I mean you were 25 and you did something Yeah, you're a complete different fucking person. Yeah, I'm 62 and I look at the years now. I go wow I was a complete there was a time. I didn't rob anything, but I could steal tip But I always stole lighters. I loved going to 7-Eleven, talking to the Indian, and then taking a lighter, put it in my jacket.

No shit, I would steal right in front of them. That's my gift, you don't steal in the back, you steal right in front of them. You talk to them, oh, you like the jet? Ooh, peep-de-pipe, you know. You don't know what the fuck you're saying. It took me to, my whole family, everybody was worried about me, because I would get arrested, I would steal, you know, I don't know what the fuck you're saying. It took me to my whole family. Everybody was worried about me because I would get arrested.

I would steal, you know, always drinking, getting fucked up, steal. And my mother said from like 22 on, I'm just a completely different person. You know what I used to steal? I used to steal hunks of provolone cheese and gummy bears. I used to get fucked up and I would go in and I would go to the sharp provolone cheese, $18 hunk fucking down my pants and gummy bears. I think you're robbing a safe. Food.

I would fuck it, yeah. Is that what you got caught for? I was, no, no, that one, I got caught for cigarettes and dumb shit like that. But when I was a kid, I would steal provolone cheese, gummy bears, yeah, dumb shit. Like not like, you know, and then, or like when we almost got arrested, big trouble.

We almost got into big trouble. They wanted to make examples of us, but we got rid of the stuff. We tried to rob an outdoor bar. An outdoor bar by a pool. We tried to open up the bottom and steal bottles. And all of a sudden all these alarms went off and we're running, I fucking took off.

I didn't know where my friend went. I'm running down the highway. I'm running down the street. Was it slow when you were running? What's that? Because when you're running, time moves slow too. It was still really? When you're hearing the siren and shit.

I was panicked because all sorts of alarms went off and I'm running down the street, I don't know what happened to my buddy. And there were rumors going, when they find the kids that did this, they're gonna make an example and put them away for a little bit. So I freaked out, but I got lucky, I got blessed, man.

You know, a lot of stupid things, dodged a lot of bullets as a young man, but comedy and sales, knocking doors in comedy made me, changed me. But like you said, from 22 on, I changed it. And once I grew up, you know, but I did dumb shit from like 16 to 25. And there's the thing, we all do dumb shit. Right.

And even when you're a grown man, you start doing dumb shit. Whether it's going to a strip club, you just do these creepy things. We've all done man, you start doing dumb shit. Whether it's going to a strip club, you just do these creepy things. We've all done them. And at the end, you got to ask yourself, because this is when I really changed. I changed in 2006. After the longest year, I went through hell.

And I made a decision. I go, you know what? Somebody said this to me one day. And they said, don't let your character ruin your destiny And that fucking hit home with me. I was like what does motherfucker just say? And I stopped stealing lighters. I stopped thinking like that Because I knew if I put my effort And to stand up. Yes, that a fucking around. Yeah, and then once I stopped doing blow then

The sky was the world because because something else was detracting your energy. It's like when you got a bad piece of pussy, every day a bad piece of pussy for a year, and then you guys break up and you're like, dog, I'm a different guy. You know why? Because I was spending my time thinking about her. You ever have a girlfriend that drinks or her uncle's gonna die,

and then every day they bring it on you. And you're like, I'm trying to get my dicks out. But all of a sudden it makes you all well her uncle blah blah blah. It takes your energy. Yeah yeah. It really does take your energy. Or a mentally ill girl that's beautiful. Beautiful but she's mentally ill and it puts it on you and you're fucked. And you're fucked. You're fucked yeah. It's just and I'm not even talking about a girl. It could be anything. Somebody once said to me if you took all the energy you had into stealing and doing all that shit,

could you imagine if you did something good with it? And I'm like, Jesus Christ, I never looked at it that way. I was too late, I was in prison. The guy told me in prison. As if he'd take you. It's too late. Dude, I can't wait for Joey to talk to his grandkids. I just be like, you ever get a bad piece of pussy?

What grandkid? I'll be 78 by the time I have a grandkid. You look great. Yeah, keep saying that to you. People always say, you look like 50, really? Good. What does 60 look like? I'm 60.

I'll let you smell my nuts. It's like looking at the inside of a tree. Yeah, yeah. You ever cut a tree and people, let's see how old it is, and you have to count the circles. It was like your mattress when you were a kid from all the pee on the bed, remember?

You had like this circle, it just kept getting bigger. You think you're shit off. Oh, that was when I was 14. When I was eight, look it. There's a little puke in there, there's a shit stain. You know? And that's what your balls look like? What?

That's what your balls look like now? No, but I'm saying, you know, people always say, you look younger. Really? Sniff my nuts and see if they're... Take a 23-year-old, take fucking Nicky, wash his nuts, then take my nuts and fumigate and put a fucking... a thing on your eye like fucking, you know, like a fag on Tuesday night. They put those blinders on. Why is this your reaction to a compliment?

People have done you look nice and you like smell my nuts. Because I don't look nice. Why are you lying to me? I'm an old man. I got a chicken thing hanging. Where am I going? I've seen guys your age look a lot like a lot of work. Oh yeah, I've seen them too.

They drink every day. They eat bad pussy. You can get a batch of bad pussy. That'll change it for two years. You still need to- Those guys that drink a smoke cigarette every day, they're fucked. They're fucked, dude. And women, it doesn't affect us as bad as fucking women.

Like when they keep drinking from 35 on, you take the drinking, the smoking and sperm and put those things together, that's a fucking Yakisaki bomb there. Irish women, Irish women go to hell quick if it's if it's if it's booze and cigarettes and they're beautiful and they could be beautiful and then they hit an age but smoking and and drinking all the time they get I'm we're lucky you're cute I'm Mediterranean I'm Sicilian Greek it kind of you know you got the Mediterranean skin. But when it, that fair white skin,

when they smoke all the time. Ooh, I'm Drew, I have terrible skin. But what about, dude, what about like going, I've been featuring on the road a little bit this year, and then I go to like Iowa or Kansas City. There's some like, I've spent all my life on the coast, and people generally try a little bit. There's a lot of people I've spent all my life on the coast and people generally try a little bit. There's a lot of people I've met who,

I'm surprised they left the house. It's pretty, that's a pretty, it's pretty, when they come to you, I'm like. Look, you go to Central Jersey, you ask yourself that question every day. Really? Why'd this person leave the house and come like this? Yeah.

Yeah. Why would you leave the house? Yeah. You didn't comb your hair? Yeah. It just takes a little bit to look decent. Comb your hair, put some Visine, sprinkle some Listerine. You don't like brushing your teeth? Listerine your teeth.

I don't give a fuck what you do. But it takes, some people you see and you're like, it's not gonna come back. This is not good. It's over. And you try, you drink water. You know, I try to drink as much water as I can. You know, you fucking take your vitamins.

They got me on everything now. Ever since I got out of the hospital, they got me on everything. Every fucking amino acid. Oh, you're on all the shit. Yeah, I'm even taking the Mulin oil. Yeah? Mulin oil is good for you.

It's what the Indians use. You do fish oil pills? I used to, but your piss smells terrible. I never took it. Yeah, but then your helmet smells fishy. You know what I'm saying? You don't need that. No, I don't need that, no.

But it's good for your elbows. I'm married, I'm having a hard time getting a blowjob as it is. Now all of a sudden I'm gonna have an issue with smelling? Fuck that. They forget when you get married. Then you have the Christmas blowjob, the birthday blowjob, and the Halloween blowjob.

Halloween? Hey, you gotta look for it. What's going on? It's November 8th. You're running late here. It's like the T-Mobile bill, you know what I'm saying? The Halloween blowjob, she's doing it because it's not you.

You got three blowjobs a year when you get married. After like three years you're like, all right. They're like, thank God I'm married. No bitch, it's said through sickness or in health and dick suckings are an option. But I gotta be honest with you though, a dick, yep, like a dick is an ugly fucking thing. The fucking ugliest thing in the world.

It's like a deformity hanging off. Like to ask her to do that and be into it, I kinda get that she doesn't want to, but they fucked with you when they first got with him. That's the fucking ugliest thing in the world. It's like a deformity hanging off. Like to ask her to do that and be into it, I kinda get that she doesn't want to, but they fucked with you when they first got with them. That's the problem. Look, I'm explaining one thing to you. There's pretty pussies, and there's ugly pussies, and there's pussies that look like Gaza.

They look like fucking, I saw a pussy today on the internet. This chick has fucked a thousand guys. I'm not even gonna say her name. She shows a pussy on Twitter, and today she put one out fresh out of the shower. And she showed a camera shot from her pussy. Oh my God, look like Medusa. They had like a bunch of fucking, you know.

And then you got the chubby chicks that had the kid, and the pussy goes in, that inny thing, and you look at her. You're like, nah Dammit she's got it cuz you try to guess like when you start connecting with it. You start looking at the monkey Don't what we have down there. Is it a fucking? Were you good at it? Did you have like a pretty good? I was always pretty good I had a good rain like you look at the face and have like two or three ugly monkeys That built from the inside and the tucky is all the way in. Come on man, I gotta get chopsticks.

But I think all dicks are ugly. Oh, dicks are disgusting. And they smell weird, the balls are a different situation. It's really unbelievable. Like, you know what I mean? I sleep on my left side. And for some reason, that's the only nuts what I get is the left side of the nut and it's not really water It's like you go like that and you're like Jesus Christ You got to go in and put soap on it and fucking rush, you know

I give it to the cat to smell for a minute. Yes, I know if I scratch my ass I give her a little bit. What is great think of your balls? But does Grey like it? No, I mean, she never said, yum, yum. You know what I'm saying? It's like she talks. But you always got to give an animal a whiff, just something. Oh, shit. They don't know what that is.

I also have a toe. One toe. All my toes are fucking clean. Yeah. I got one toe that's got like blisters in it. And I pop it. I just had to put stuff on it the last week. Every night I go, what the fuck is wrong with my toe?

And I pop it. And it'd be like a paste, like a fungi paste. And one night I put it by my wife. She's like, Jesus Christ, what's that smell? I'm like, I gotta put some stuff on my feet. I had to get that Lulumen, what's that shit that you put all over your body that shit's good what's that that's the cute doctor invented it oh you don't sweat no more dog I put it on my feet you don't sweat no you put

on your feet put it on like deodorant nuts ass she says in the commercial put it everywhere oh wait Mando is Yeah, yeah, one of those. Oh, yeah, that's good. I put it in my asshole because after I shower, you ever, you take the best shower in the world. I got a loofah and I got a little asshole loofah, right? You want just for the asshole? Yeah, I told you this years ago. I cut the new loofah. I forgot about that. You got a separate loofah for your ass? Yeah. That's incredible. But why would you want to use the loofah on your face? On your ass. And then scrub your asshole with it?

Yeah, that's disgusting. And you can't use a washcloth because then you always got that little piece of brown or blood. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh, I was hungry. Okay. Okay. I was hungry. So the loofah really scrubs around the muffler. Yeah. You ever seen a chick's asshole that's kind of brown?

It looks like gunpowder residual on the edge. I don't want gunpowder. Not that anybody's gonna look at my ass and look at my ass, but just in case I die, they're gonna go, that's Joey P. Take a look at his asshole. That motherfucker had a residue from gunshot wounds. I never wanted that.

So I take the loofah and scrub it in that muffler. Do you ever check to see if it doesn't have the residue? But here's the problem, when I come out of the shower, even after I luffa my asshole, if I take the towel and wipe my ass and I smell the towel, it still smells like ass so I said fuck this shit. I'm going to start using lulumen, whatever the fuck that is. I think it's Mando and they have body wipes too, it's good shit. Yeah, it's good shit.

It's really good. It was a woman that, that invented it. She probably was with so many derp. That's what she said. She goes, I sucked 18 dicks and all of them. I was one for 17, the ball between. Think about it, a woman has to go between your legs.

That means she gets the asshole, she gets your feet on the right. Whatever side she's sucking on, the left or right, that outside nostril, gets foot, nut and ash coming at you. Come on. No, she said that. She goes, there's a part of a crevice that you can't get.

Yeah. So she made this. Put it in there. Yeah. I fucking sit on that thing. The mando, that little tub. It's like one of these nicotine cans. It's that big, I just sit on it for a minute.

My hemorrhoids gone, everything, we're good. Let's take a break. I wanna talk to you guys about Nick, the best. We'll be right back. Oh shit, it's Nick, nicotine pouches. If you're looking at did smoke and tobacco but still want that nicotine fix you got to check out Nick. Nick comes in 10 all-natural flavors so even if you're a picky dude like me they'll have something you like. Each

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I've been home like i've been waiting, you know, cuz it's like the year started out. I'm just fucking home I got you know, I got two kids and my son's a basketball Animal my daughter is good in sports and then but I want now March start March. I'm going hard. I'm going everywhere You know, you know, I fell in love with you When I saw you doing a podcast yelling about comics that call you up to go to the park Oh, I mean and throw a fris yelling about comics that call you up to go to the park for the day. Oh, I mean. And throw a frisbee around. Yeah, you wanna do the fucking,

yeah, you wanna do the comedy poker game? Yeah, that's what I wanna do. I don't like you when we're at the fucking club. I'm gonna sit there. Yeah, we're gonna, yeah, a couple of com, we're gonna go down to Watch the Square Park and throw a frisbee around. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna, you know what, honey?

Tell the kids I'm not gonna be home tonight. Or today, cause I'm going, yeah, like that's, I'm not one of those guys. And listen, sometimes it hurts me. I'll be honest with you. No, it does hurt you. It hurts me, it hurts me because I'm not gonna be home tonight or today cause I'm going, yeah, like that's, I'm not one of those guys. And listen, sometimes it hurts me. I'll be honest with you. No, it does hurt you. It hurts me. It hurts me because I'm not a,

I'm not one of these, hey, you wanna come to fucking naked roast battle? No, I don't, you know? I wanna go on stage, I wanna get better. That's the one thing, it's like before pandemic, I should have went harder with the social media for numbers, but I just was getting better. I just wanted to get better at this.

That's the most important thing. That's way better than social media. Think of guys that got beautiful social media and they suck on stage. So if you don't have this to promote, you got nothing. No, and I don't mean nothing against it, either, too. People are all, Paul, you gotta go on, you gotta go on Kill Tony and stuff like that.

But I did one time, I judged a roast battle, and I fucking felt bad, you know what I mean? See, I can't do that either. So somebody goes, Paul, they told me to come to New York Comedy Club and they go, just judge a roast battle. These fucking guys are gonna, and this guy, I'm like making fun of this guy's sneakers.

I'm fucking, you know, I just, a couple things and all of a sudden after it's over, he comes up, he goes, hey Paul, hey man, big fan, so nice to meet you. And I'm like, I can't do this shit. I can't fucking judge a parapolice. I don't want to do it fucking one minute. I can't do it It's like when people say and it's not against it's nothing against Tony. It's tough It's not it's not I can't do I can't watch somebody come out and fucking do something that I know is so hard and me Kind of shit on it and I'm Sicilian dude. If you say something personal to me, I'll fucking I can't

Yeah, I can't go fuck you go fuck, you know what I mean? Why do you think I don't do that shit? I don't wanna be on your fucking stupid roast. I don't wanna be a judge. That's the hardest thing in the world, is telling somebody they suck. Who the fuck are you to tell somebody with a dream that you suck?

That kid might take it the wrong fucking way. That might be everything in his fucking life. He goes home at night and cries himself to bed. And you're gonna tell him that the joke was not well written. Who the fuck are you? None of us are fucking, none of us are fucking, you know, lighting the world on fire when I'm with you.

Everybody's saying the same shit anyway. Yeah, yeah. Everybody's talking the same shit anyway. It's, yeah. You know, so what's the difference? So for me roasts, like you go up there and then somebody roasts you. I don't wanna do that

because I'm punching the fucking mouth. You know what I'm saying? Because I'll stop what I'm doing and punch in the fucking mouth. Because white people get cute. It's not the college or the Mexicans. White people get cute and they say shit. And yeah, it's a roast,

but I'll fucking kick you in the stomach after the fucking roast. Yeah, you're talking about my kids, I'm gonna fucking bomb your car. I'm gonna fucking knock you the fuck out. I'm gonna bomb your fucking car and then I'll show up to your house. after the fucking roast. Yeah, you talk about my kids, I'm gonna fucking bomb your car. I'm gonna fucking knock you the fuck out. I'm gonna bomb your fucking car, then I'll show up to your house.

And like, I don't want to, I don't need that, I don't want that. That's why I was, you know, before we met, I don't know if I told you this, but before we met, you know, Dom Lombardozzi says, "'You and Joe, we gotta connect.' Brett Ernst, you and Joe, we gotta connect. Bill Burr, you and Joe, we gotta connect.

And I remember I reached out to you one time, you still in LA I didn't hear back from you and then and then all of a sudden when you came here when you came back home we reached out but there's like a I'm I kind of like the stay to yourself stay to your family do your thing and all you could do is be real and do that stuff but yeah listen I'd rather it be this way than me being every fucking doing everything judging everything doing I just don't you know, it's just not why I listen. Did you start comedy when you didn't have a family? Yeah, you had a wife at the time. I guess okay. You had a wife. That's even different Yeah, I just I started comedy when there was nobody around. Yeah, and that is

Poetic justice. Yeah, you don't have to be home No, you go out seven nights a week and do comedy which is what you really love. At the end of the day it's what you really love. I had a girl I dated for four years and I spoke to her. You know we always talk now but when we broke up it took a couple years for us to be friendly and I asked her I go why did we break up and she goes I would go back we get a heartbeat but I'm not competing with comedy. Yeah. She goes it took three years to realize, you know, her parents would come to town, like they want to take you out to dinner. This is LA.

I'm not in LA to go out to dinner. You know what I'm saying? Like that's your mindset. You're not in New York to go to dinners or to fucking play the guitar or to go see somebody perform. You're in New York to do comedy. Seven nights a fucking week. That's why we're here.

I was in LA, I know those people. Tonight I'm gonna go do this, that's my girlfriend, okay. In a year they'll call you, man I don't know what's going on, my colleague, you wanna go to a concert with your girlfriend? You wanna go to a concert with your girlfriend? It's a girlfriend, not a wife.

You could tell them to shut the fuck up that you're going out. And they're not coming because they're a pain in the ass when you do comedy. I love my wife. You don't see her at no comedy shows, do you? No, I love her. Because I know the situation.

It's too cold in here. It's too hot in here. How long are you going to stay? I want to get home. How long are you going to stay? I'm tired. The food was cold. Listen, I don't give a fuck if they give you a poison.

I'm here to make these people fucking laugh. When my wife said to me, she goes, is this gonna be one of those things where you're gonna be out till one? Yup. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Okay, I'm not coming.

In fact, two for saying something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was two for saying something. I'm not out there cheating. I'm not out there eating strange ass. I'm out there fucking doing comedy. I'm out there there cheating. I'm not out there eating strange ass. I'm out there fucking doing comedy. I'm out there doing comedy. And then you get a girlfriend, like I did,

and she worked at the comedy store. So it was easy. We drove home together at night. She got off at two and I went home at two. And it was easier and she understood it more. But something happened when I had the kid. I'm like, what am I gonna do when I'm hanging out with these jerk-offs?

They got to that point. Even at the comedy store and it's, hey dad, go down and go, I'd much rather be watching Coco with my daughter than some fucking guy playing skeleton playing the guitar. And that's what happens. And then you, you know, how many people we know. I'll tell you what my wife told me once.

We grew up around, Rain P rain prior used to come to the store She's a fucking sweetheart rain prior is a sweetheart his wife's a sweetheart But my wife says something to me once she goes. Let me ask you something if rain Could have a father over the millions. He left it. What would she pick? Right father her father was never home. He was lighting himself on fire. He was snorting coke with this one and that one. Kids remember that shit.

Kids remember that, I only got one go at this. I got one go at this. I don't have time to go to a comedy plaza on Tuesday night to sit there and go up at midnight. I'd rather not. I could write material, which is even better. And you know, you're bringing me back to these stories where like I was young and I would make mistakes

because I didn't realize. And I'll never forget, I'll tell you a story. I was actually at a bar and I'm drinking. And I'm at a bar with Bill Burr and he's looking at me and Bill was always, you know, Bill treated me a way where he was like, man, you're gonna do this and that. I see it, like he would say these things, which were really, but I didn't see it yet. Cause I'm just this young

asshole. And he, and he goes, what are you doing? And like, I had to drive home and I'm on like three drinks. And I'm like one of those, like, I think I, you know, when I was younger, I thought I could beat it outsmart it. I'll drink. Then I'll go get a fucking some street meat from one of the fucking Arab dudes. Yeah. Then I'll go get an egg sandwich or water and I'll drive home. And I was, and he, and I remember I had a little boy at home and it pissed me off to even think. Yeah, then I'll go get an egg sandwich, a water, and I'll drive home. And I was, and I remember I had a little boy at home, and it pissed me off to even think about now, but I remember being like, buzzed on the ride home. And like, not to the point where I would,

but like, I shouldn't be driving the car. And I remember, and he said to me, he goes, you know, I know you know what you have, you know, you may think you know what you have at home, he goes, but you don't know what you have at home. And I remember thinking about that, and I'm like, yeah, I felt like an asshole because I was doing these things

that could have really fucking detriment to myself, to somebody else, my career. And I was like, and then like you, I don't wanna mention names of the club, but there's a couple comedy clubs that people, you see these guys at three o'clock in the morning just staring at a glass of wine, not going home to anything.

I'm like, I don't wanna fucking be that guy. I don't wanna be that guy staring there, knowing he's just going to pay his bill for his one bedroom or studio apartment to do spots his whole life on a hamster wheel and have nothing to come home to, man. I was like, that's not for me. No, and I didn't want that.

No, I mean, listen, nobody wants to die alone. I can't imagine dying alone in a hospital with nobody. Maybe you met some lady at the 55 and over place, you know, on the way out, whatever. Yeah, but whatever the fuck, like, it tightened me more. Having my daughter made me realize my time. Not much time I was wasting with people, wasting. Whether it was on the phone, like once I moved here, I stopped wasting. Yeah. With people wasting. Yeah. Whether it was on the phone, like once

I moved here, I stopped all that shit. I'm like, these videos of me smoking dope, they went out the window. Just videos and whatever. I looked up my Instagram and I'm like, there was a point when I remember getting up in the morning and it felt like I had to tell people something. So I would go outside ask Lee six thirty in the morning I'd be in my yard smoking dope telling people to get up fucking nobody owes you dick your mother blew somebody Wait, what do you mean? You had to tell somebody something like like you feel in your heart There's ten comics now. I look at Instagram. Yeah, and it's three fucking four times a day there's a guy who does wardrobe changes a comic who does wardrobe changes does

Videos with nothing then videos with glasses then videos with a leaker hat and you're like, you know after a while How many videos do you put up? How lonely do you feel? So when I got here and I looked at my wasn it wasn't my Instagram, it was much of my Twitter and my Facebook and I go, that shit is coming to an end. You feel like everything has to be put on tape. You still got people like that in comedy. You can't be around in two minutes. Let's take a picture.

Get that fucking camera out of here. I just got here. Save it for later. In fact, don't. Well, here's the hard part though, because it feels like, at least from a young comic, it feels like the only way to get to a point where I could maybe take the next step

is to have social media take over. No, no, no, I'm not, you do. But you're also working on comedy and your social media. And it's 80% comedy and 20% social media. Right. So it's for people comedy and 20 social media. Right. You know? So it's for people doing just all social media. You're talking about people that just,

they need so much attention that they'll do any, look I'm making eggs, I'm, you know, and. Every week, them in the stadium with the picture, you know, every week. You know, every other day, you stand up. Listen, we know you're a stand up. Yeah, yeah. That's what made me like, we know.

The worst is when somebody famous dies. Stop putting the videos of you smoking pot. They know. It's over. Knock it off. Yeah. You putting up a set every day of you with a ukulele, you with a guitar, knock it off.

Put one up a quarter, that's 15 minutes, that destroys. At the end of the year, that's 60 minutes, that's a special. You didn't save no money, you just go to your local comedy club and tape fucking 15 when you're ready. All of them got cameras now, you only need eight cameras in there, and this is all of them now. It's a dependency. It becomes like-

It's like a mental, there's also mentally ill fucking people that are really fucking, like, you know, the worst is when somebody famous dies and they go like this. And they all put the pictures up. And they go like this. And they never met him.

They go, you know, I walked past him and we bumped arms, but he could have been a dick, great guy. It's like, you don't fucking know him. You don't know him You never fucking met him you fuck you know what he farted next to you It's like you know what I mean, and they act like it's they act like they were a part of it because everybody else is Posting pictures with this person that they know and they got to make it about them It was you know Joe Barton a good friend of mine. He had a great. He had a great thing

He said it's been one year since it's been one year since all these comics made Robin Williams death about themselves. And that's the truth. That's the truth, yeah. That's the truth. It's, and that's what my daughter showed me. Yeah. I didn't need to do that shit.

She's on there now. The last thing I need is for her to see me smoking dope. No. My daughter walks into the garage every day and she looks around and says, Dad, she knows somebody in that house smokes reefer. She's not gonna see me. Her knowing and seeing is two different things.

She's not in age now. It don't matter, she's 12. I can't hide nothing from her now. But that really sat me down and go, Joey, what are you doing here? I was getting 15 phone calls from people I met at comedy shows that I would give my number to and a half the day you're taking calls from people. Where are you this weekend? Maybe I'll meet up.

I'm at my daughter's karate class. You think I want to hear from you and your fucking stupidity but you're so scared that you have to sell a ticket. You have to sell a ticket. You have to sell a ticket. You have to have these people give you a word. And that's great, to a level, after a while. Now you're impeding on my time. It's just, and you can't go on my daughter in my time.

Unless you're sucking dick, putting fingers in my asshole, and spitting hundreds out of your pussy. And you know, minimum 10,000. Like 10,000 is coming out of a pussy. And even then, what am I going to tell my daughter? I cheated on her mother? Yeah, no. She's 12.

Yeah, no. She's 12. So you look at all these things and go, I don't want to be involved with them at all. And I think the one thing that beats it is quality. If you, quality is like you said, it's like don't have it 80-20 the other way. Have it 80-20 that way or 90-10. Comedy is always the most important thing. Your stand up is always the most important thing

because word of mouth, mixed with the social media, mixed with the stars aligning, is gonna get you going. Yeah, that's exactly. And that's what people don't understand. It takes time, it takes a lot of time. I see a lot of young comics trying to sell tickets now. Just get good. Just get good.

Get really good. Yeah, cause one is, yeah. Book something to go counterpart the stand up, get your little 20 minutes on Comedy Central, whatever the fuck, I don't even think they do specials anymore. I think it's just Netflix and Lulu. And it's a fucking progression.

But even if you go on last whole standing, and you win and you got eight minutes, what are you gonna do on the road? Let's say you got a total of 25 minutes. What are you gonna do on the road when CA assigns you? What are you gonna do? Is you're gonna do three shows and they have to call a guy like me or Paul

to come in and headline with you. That's the truth. Because the tour ain't working. No, because you do this fucking dance on TikTok and you sell out a theater. I've had owners go after 15 minutes of excitement that they're there, there's no show. There's no show. There's no show.

So people leave upset, they're making the person who was middling go later. I even tell people, I wouldn't do, and I'm not trying to knock it, but that America's Got Talent? Well first of all, I'm not following a fucking dog jumping through a hoop. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.

I got a dog jumping through a fire fucking hoop. And I hate fucking magicians. I don't wanna see a fucking magician. That guy's gonna make a card disappear and then I gotta go up on my bullshit. I'm not doing that. But like you said, all that stuff goes away. Oh, here's the winner of this. It's like just take time. It's gonna take time. Oh, yeah

Yeah, and just look at your calendar and go fuck it. Yeah, and I'm not talking about year I'm talking about years years. Like if you look at that calendar and go five years ten people gonna know who I am and You hope for that then people gonna know who I am and you hope for that then people gonna know who I am and you hope for that But if you're thinking like that, you're not gonna become a good comic Yeah, the goal is to become a good comic and then let the ocean part like Moses. Yeah, it's not well You know, I'm trying to sell them once you say that to me. It's not gonna work. Yeah, you're trying to sell tickets It's not gonna work. First off you to sell tickets, it's not gonna work. First off, you're going up against 200 people every weekend. Yep.

200 people are killers. At least now, yeah. That really sell tickets, whether it's theaters, you know. And then you got these, a lot of D-clubs have opened. A lot of C and D-clubs, which, that's where you'd be looking at, because even if they headline you, nobody cares. No. You're not gonna go back there when you really headline. No, no at because even if they headline you, nobody cares. No. You're not going to go back there when you really headline.

No, no. The guys are going to call you, come on back. Fuck you. You guys serve fucking, you didn't even serve coke. You served that fucking Coke from ShopRide or some shit. You want me to bring my people in there? Get the fuck out of here. You got to be there seven days for 650?

Yeah. The fuck out of here. Yeah. Yeah, that's the truth. But days for 650. Yeah. The fuck outta here. Yeah, yeah, that's the truth. But I did that. Yeah. And I knew what it was. You know, I used to come here two times a year

and sleep on his couch. Three times a year and I'd do everything. And then when I'd go down south, I'd sleep at my brother Chris's house. And then when, you know, I had places. His uncle, I used to sleep on his balcony on the 34th floor in that circular tower I'm just go outside with a blanket

Really? Yeah, I would come home and like I was featuring. Yeah. Yeah, I'm getting $500 apartment No hotel. Nobody pipe pays for your car. You buy an eight ball. That's gone. Yeah I drove I drove to Milwaukee for 350. I lost money. I drove to Milwaukee to lose fucking 200. Yeah, that's what we do. Just to get in front of a packed crowd. I drove that far, but that's what you got. Yeah, it's investments in your career. That's it.

You gotta take a loss. You gotta look at it like I'm taking a loss now, but I'll get this back later. And all those people that come to you and go, dog, I'm doing a party for my dog. Do you wanna come do 15 minutes? I can't pay, I'll give you a sandwich and food. You're punching into a clock.

You're not gonna get paid today, but if you stick this game out, you're gonna get paid for that. Not how you expect it, but there's always something. And it's the nights I didn't wanna go out. Those are the nights when you make it happen. The nights when you're like, dog, I snorted coke on Tuesday. Last night it was out, didn't wanna go out. Those are the nights when you make it happen. The nights when you're like, dog I snorted coke on Tuesday,

last night it was out, Wednesday night it was out, I didn't sleep last night. And you sit on the couch and go, I'm staying in tonight. And you put TV on and go, I don't think so. And you go down there,

you do a set and somebody comes up to you afterward. I got a week in Jamaica for you. That's how it happens. No, it happens like that. The night you don't want to go out. Yeah, yeah. I remember one time, well two things I want to say, but one time, going back to what you said,

this guy goes, he goes, hey, I got a friend, he's got a bar in New York, he's a fan of yours, he wants you to come down. And I go, that night I'm with my family, you know, I'm not, I can't. He goes, well, if you wanna come down, he'll put you up, he's a fan of yours. And all of a sudden he puts me on a fucking flyer,

which I said no. So then my wife goes, you know what? The kids aren't gonna be here and I'm going to bed. Why don't you go? I go, there's four audience members and 11 comedians sitting around. As soon as I got there, I'm like fuck, I should've stayed. You know what I mean?

And I go, all right, well now I'm here. And I went and I'm going, what was that joke I was working on? What was that joke I was working on? Long story short, I did a joke that I remembered that I just wrote down. I did it at fucking where the 76ers play. And I got an ovation during it. And I closed, I did one of my specials with it.

And I traveled in theaters all over with this joke that I just did in front of, that I didn't even want to go and do but because of that, but I got a great story about you, I got a great story about you. So it's 2000, the world shuts down. I'm working on- 2000? 2020, I'm sorry.

2020. Yeah, no. 2000. Yeah, you're like fuck that. So 2020, the world shuts down, everybody's staying home, nobody's got anything going on. I'm working on the material that was gonna be for my Netflix special.

And I would go and walk a track. I'm one of those, I need to think it first. I need to think it first. And I would go walk. He went out to Manhattan, I would go walk by the river. I just got to think it and manifest it in my head. And I'm walking, and I remember I saw a clip of you on Rogan. And you were talking about this comic.

You're like, yeah, I saw this guy at the store. Might've been Adam Raich. Somebody like, I saw him. He's getting good, he's getting good. I remember watching and I remember I was talking to a buddy of mine. I forgot who it was. And I go, man, I go, yeah.

I was like, I wish these dudes like Joey and Rogan saw what I'm doing in the city. Like I want you to be talking about me like that. But it wasn't in a bad way. No, no, no. It was in a motivating way. I love what? I wanna laugh.

Yeah. I wanna laugh. So I remember walking the track and I remember talking to the producer of my podcast and I go, two things I wanna do. I go, I wanna do a Netflix special and I was like, and I wish like a guy like Joey Diaz and Rogan would know who I am.

Maybe I'll do Rogan's podcast. And both of those things happen within, within two years of me thinking that. And then he ends up, the first time we talked, you called me, you said all these nice things. But like that work that you got to put in, and not to be corny, but when I was knocking doors in Queens and I saw some wild

shit I saw you want to hear one fucked up thing I knocked this fucking shit comes out half her face beautiful the other half fucking burnt and she was angry she was and I saw it was fucked up then one guy looked like a goblin and he was like I said leave and he was fucking smell like drugs in there and he was like fuck yeah like I saw some one chick wanted you fuck you it was like when fuck, yeah, like I saw some, one chick wanted you, fuck you. It was like, when you go knocking doors in Queens in the middle of the night, anything could happen. But you know what I would do?

You know, one guy freaked me out, dude. There was something going on. He had like, he's all fucked up. But when I would knock the 10 extra doors when I wanted to go home, I wanted to go home. But when I would knock the 10 extra doors when I knew every other salesperson was fucking gone, and it was eight o'clock at night and I should be gone,

I would just knock 10 more, and I would make my quota for the week, and I became a fucking supervisor at 22, with people fucking 50 years old working under me, because it was the same thing in comedy. I didn't wanna go out, I don't wanna go out, and I was like, you know what, I'm gonna go see if this club's gonna give me five minutes.

And then I would get that five minutes, and I'd get a bit from that. And it was like, the world what? I'm gonna go see if this club's gonna give me five minutes. And then I would get that five minutes and I'd get a bit from that. And it was like, the world gives you back what you give it. I really believed that. Absolutely, the universe is always watching. And they're seeing that you're on the couch picking your toes, watching TV. But they're always watching when you go down there,

you gotta borrow money to put in your gas tank. And I was in that position a lot. Really? After the knock on my neighbor's door and go, Doug, I need 10 bucks till Friday to put eight in the tank and $2 for the tip. Yeah. $2 for the tip of the soda they're gonna give you.

At least you have $2 for a tip. I've been there. I know the universe is always watching. And if you think of something and write it down, like every I wake up and I write down what I want to do that month Yeah, I only have four shows, but I want to do well What do I need to do to do well? I need to write jokes. Yeah, you need to get on stage a little bit You know, yeah a little bit. I don't want to go out every night now. I don't have the energy No, I don't have the energy. I'm looking for some place to go

Where it's kind of quiet and you can walk in and walk out. Like Gotham. Gotham, you can walk in and walk out. Yeah. I don't really, I can't see myself doing comedy on a Friday. There's too much going on. I don't mind like a Saturday, but Friday is normal.

I did enough Fridays. Yeah. I did enough Fridays. You know, I did enough fucking Fridays, you know? And I don't want to be in a hotel no more. That's the other thing. That Saturday morning, that Saturday in a hotel is fucking brutal. It's fucking brutal. The Sunday's worse.

I go home. You go home on Sunday. We don't work the Lord's Day. No, no, Saturday night I'll drive. We don't work the Lord's Day. You wake up Sunday morning at a casino, you feel like a piece of shit. No.

Dude, you fucking wake up and you look at the fucking casino floor on a Sunday morning, these fat fucks getting brunch, and you're four hours away from home, fuck that, dude. There was a casino, I'm not gonna say where, because the casino paid a ton of money. They were paying features like 8,000 for the weekend. What?

For four shows, about eight years ago. And I did it, and they closed down because a comic won on a podcast, and talked bad about it. So the Indians told the Booker, no more comics. But this place is one of those casinos that it shut down at midnight And I'm one of those motherfuckers if you're in a casino that means at 6 if I got to catch a plane I call room service or I could stop somewhere and get an egg sandwich a real egg. Yeah with a yolk

At the airport So I remember going downstairs like we don't even open till nine. The place was shut down from 12 to eight. And you're sitting there hungry. People complained about it, and I guess, but they paid you, those Indians, they don't fuck around, dawg. No, they pay.

Those motherfuckers lift the rock, Jack. I think I know what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, because they don't like when you, they don't want you talking about the gigs. No. Yeah. But I would never talk bad about a gig. What the fuck? It's a good gig. Somebody's-

I mean, now we think about the gigs we did 20 years ago. And you go, what the fuck was I thinking? They were taking advantage of me, that piece. Yeah, they were taking advantage of you. And just the people you work for. Yeah. Like I went to the club one time and somewhere in Texas, like off the beaten path

and the owner comes out and he's a good dude, big dude biker. His wife had the biggest tits, but real big tits. Like, and she was good looking with a thin waist. I mean, they were fucking jugs. And they ended up, they went to jail, both of them, because they robbed something together. They were both,s and They ended up they went to jail both of them because they robbed something together they they were both They own a company and they robbed the company. Oh shit both got shut down in jail But that's the place where this family comes up to me after the show. It's four of them and all of them were ugly

You never they all had fucked up haircuts like somebody could, snap out of it. Somebody cut their hair like this. And that's 150, Lee. Now you're starting to worry me. We gotta go into serious, serious training. I'm doing fine. You over there fucking drifting off into Chaz's commentary, Bill? Like.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. What, Chaz didn't take anything, did he? Huh? Oh, Chaz got fucked up? No. No. Even if Chaz was asking, what's wrong with you, Lee? Yeah, I got 400 last week.

Now I can see I'm fine now. 150, no you're not. I can light a cigarette in your eyeball. That's how red it is, it's like the cherry. Yeah, you look like, you look how I wanna feel later tonight when I light that. Oh yeah. You good, huh?

I guess. Yeah. So what we talking about, oh, the family. They come up to me and they're like, man, that was a funny show. I'm like okay and I shook his hand and he had him wash his hands. It was like grit on it and underneath was like butter.

He put his hand in butter and then put like sand on it. And he went out that night, I remember shaking his hand, oh God, and they go, all right, good to see you guys. They go to me, we wanna take a picture. I go, all right, good to see you guys. They go to me, we wanna take a picture. I go, right, I gotta hug these people. And I go over and I'm like, all right, who's gonna take the picture? Like, we don't know, we ain't got a phone.

And I go. I don't know. Even if we take a picture, I'm not gonna say it to you. Like, we don't want it. We just wanna take a picture. I was like, this is fucked. Like you remember all those fucking things. You remember man. And when you're in a theater and there's 800 people there,

you think of that. When you come out and you go, that's where you get your strength from. And we do it so much and we've done it so much that you remember those moments. I got one for you. I'm in Cleveland Hilarities. there's a couple, I remember this big black dude takes his wife out for her birthday and they're in the front and I'm up there doing my thing and just in the middle

of my set he goes, bitch shut the fuck up. What the fuck did I say? And he starts stomping on the thing and then he's looking at me with this ice grill and I'm going, whoa, what's going on? He goes, man, shut the fucking bush. And I was like, and the fuck, I'm looking like, can somebody, is there security, a fucking, a five foot two skinny white kid who looked like he should be,

he wasn't even big enough to, and he just comes in, excuse me, sir, and I'm like, he could have taken his kid and thrown him through the back of the fucking stage and they're comes in, excuse me sir, and I'm like, he could have taken his kid and thrown him through the back of the fucking stage, and they're outside screaming, but you remember in all the things, we do hundreds of shows a year, but I'll never forget that.

I'll never forget when somebody approached the stage, you know, things like that, you don't forget those moments. And when we're all said and done, and we're fucking sitting in a rocking chair ready to retake retire you remember that shit You're gonna remember that man. I was scared though That was a scary one and by the way fuck any club or any venue that doesn't have the right security

Because they want to save money and and by the way you've mentioned it before shout out to Gotham because Gotham has X Oh X NYP listen you fuck around there They take a guy. Oh, you'll don't throw you out on your fucking head. They'll open the door with your fucking head at Gotham. They do it, old school detectives, retired NYPD. No, and they're sitting there and they got a trench coat and a fucking hat. Yeah, and they're good guys. They don't give a fuck.

You're smoking dope with three hands. They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. And if somebody talks, they have the one, you know what they did? Chris Mizzou, shout out to Chris Mizzou. One time somebody was online hammered, hammered drunk, before they got in, online.

And he just goes, hey buddy, it's not gonna happen tonight. And the guy goes, what do you mean? He goes, you're not going in the showroom. And you're, what the fuck I paid? He goes, here's four tickets for any show you wanna come to. You're not getting in there tonight. And it develops a culture.

These cops go up, excuse me, don't talk one more time, you're out. If you talk another time, you're fucking out. Then you got people, oh, we like the interaction, because we don't, no, so you don't wanna pay. You don't wanna pay and you're letting the comedians, there's a comedy club in Jersey, I'm not gonna mention, that fucked me, and they don't think,

I know they fucked me, and I know they fucked me because I'm able to deal with it. I can go to my act and kill with my act and do it, I've been doing it long enough, but then you got to stop and deal with five animals that have been doing shots and drinking since four o'clock and you got to shut them down. Then you got to go back to your shit. You could do it. And they don't want to pay security because they know you could do it.

It's bullshit. They know. They know. Sometimes you got a steam. And what's it cost? What's it cost? Sometimes you got a steamroller with those motherfuckers. Yeah. Like sometimes I just give people a look. Oh, yeah, you know and and then if

The next thing is dog you're embarrassing your girlfriend Nobody wants to embarrass that girlfriend. They shut the fuck up and Steamroll like you don't know dog. I had the weirdest thing that happened to me when I shot my special. Oh, yeah Talk all your life You're waiting this you despite. Where was this? Chicago Rosemont great room fucking great room love that I could light yourself on fire in that room I love that room and there's a dude who's drunk and it's one of those dudes that she wanted to come to the show

But he was like fuck him. He's not funny. Oh, yeah. One of those jealous that you want to go to the show. Yeah. So he comes anyway. And he was doing that shit in front of me. And at one point, I was just getting my right foot ready. And I was just going to kick him in the fucking neck. I was just I'm going to ruin everything. But this motherfucker is going to go down hard.

I'm going to kick him karate, kick him in the jugular because I was right there I could have just feel pumped for this fucking head Yeah, and again a little skinny white dude came over. Yeah tapped him on the shoulders and knock it the fuck off I'm gonna throw you the fuck out. He just sat there rest of the night. Yeah, wouldn't look at me and shit Fuck those motherfuckers. I told Chaz last week, I had a kid with a microphone one time, and then we had an open mic. I hit him so hard, it was one of those Puerto Rican mics that the batteries are in it,

and the batteries flew everywhere. I don't have time, man. I don't have time for those hoes. We're up there doing a job. And now, listen, as you mature as a comic, you learn more. Of course. You know, that's all the thing about comedy You'd need to do I don't know how many fucking sets. No to be

You know like it takes me like and then it takes you a couple sets to get warmed up But once you find your your rhythm again the patois and the old words start coming to you you fucking You're a fucking savage up there. Yeah, yeah, and it comes back like a bike. Do you guys still have like fun, because like you guys, we're talking about money a little bit, and that's like the ultimate goal, but I always get paid at the end,

and I'm never getting paid that much, but I like, the amount of money I got paid never really affected how much fun I had on my show. Like do you guys still have fun doing the shows you guys do for me money never money never I Love it so much when you're up there doing it and you do the new bit and the new bit works or a new bit needs Tweaking but you know it has a chance and I'm thinking of that and then all of a sudden you get paid like oh shit I'm getting I mean listen. I love the money, but I look at it as like just a

like just secondary much fun at it as like just a secondary thing. It's so much fun. And it's like, you were talking about doing drives. I drove to SoulJaws. It was like a two and a half hour drive each way. And I didn't even ask about money, care about money. It was just, and you were talking about it like it's like clocking in, but the whole thing's fun.

Like even like the dry, I'm sure if you're doing it for like 20 years and nothing's happening, it can get old. But like if I'm at the dojo, like if I come in and I see you at the dojo, and I see you there, and me and you, who is there with us, Aaron Berg and some people we know, when we're there sitting around

and he fucking guy brings out pizzas and we're just shooting the shit talking. That comradery, that's like our locker room. There's something that I realized the older I got how special that is. With the right people. With the right people. With the right people.

But when you got somebody cool and you're like, hey man, did you see the game? And you're eating pizza, oh, how was I, so you were in Seattle, how was that? And you just do that. That's the fucking best. And then nothing's worse than when you get a fucking asshole in there.

Nothing's worse when you're a feature actor and you work with a shit headliner out of town. That also sucks too. That happens to a lot of features. Not anymore because headliners bring their own feature. A lot of them do. But when I was coming up, I worked with headliners that were

shit heads and I understood why they were still doing these you mean mean to you yeah mean to us Mean that I still remember asking them all should anybody ever move to LA at that time I wasn't even thinking about my life right and all of them were like so I lived there for 82 years and nothing ever happened I never got a set up the fucking improv on a Sunday night. And you're like, what the fuck? But they were all cut from the same thing. All those headliners at that time I was doing One Night Is With were guys that had done comedy for 20 years, lived in LA.

And now their motto was, you gotta be gay to live in LA. You gotta suck dick if you wanna make it as a comic, okay. We all suck dick to make it as comics, but. And you get that negativity, like there was turn offs to me, but the problem with me was, after like 2019, I started to,

it was regurgitating. It was the same shit. And at one point you go to yourself. How many times I want to come to tempting How many times? Yeah, how many times this lifetime? I'm gonna come to the Houston Improv Well, how many times we're gonna go to the hilarities? I got nothing against those rules, right? But there's what you got to ask yourself on Thursday night when you get back to your hotel room And your wife's calling you and the kid. On Thursday night when you get back to your hotel room and your wife's calling you and the kid wants to say night night, you know.

So that was, it was burning me out. And I was just doing it for the money. I wasn't, I really wasn't having fun before the pandemic. Really? For how long? It was about a year and a half. It was just business. You were just going for the check.

It was work and to pick up a check. Yeah. It was work and to pick up a check. It was work and to pick up a check. Oh, you sold this show. You want to add another one? Sure. I'm there already. You know what I'm saying?

I go up there and do 45 minutes of shit and go up there and do the best I can. And when I took the time off, I noticed, I said to myself, if I ever go on the road again, it's got to be with a couple of guys. I'd rather take less money and laugh my ass off. Have your boys with you. Light a fucking fire in the whole town like the Motley Crue movie. If we're not gonna do it that way, stay home.

Right. I wanna stay out till three. Throw a fucking TV out the window to the swimming pool. How good is that? When they throw the TV out, then the table, the guy's like, what's going on? They threw the table out. That's great. You know, and guy like, what's going on? They threw the table out. That's great.

You know, and that's, it's like everything. The thing that I say to myself now before I go on stage and it's work, is Joey, you gotta have fun. Yeah. And you gotta tell jokes for you. Yes. Fuck them.

Yeah. That's when you really go, I like that joke, bitch. Why? Because it makes me laugh. Yeah, when you do go, I like that joke, bitch. Why? Because it makes me laugh. When you do it for yourself, but that's also experience too, right? And when they see that you're laughing, when they see that you're actually, not like,

ha ha ha, when they see that you're fucking bent over, going holy shit, I can't believe that came out of my mouth. Like they think that, I just wrote this like I was at Starbucks all day coming up with this no this came out from me just Unleashing on them because I don't give a fuck at this point right. That's the bad you'll read Judy Carter's book now anyway Judy Carter has a workbook. You know I read the book 82 times She's supposed to be this big comic. I never bumped into an LA Even at the coffee shop with Judy Carter. Yeah, Judy read the book 82 times. She's supposed to be this big comic. I never bumped into her in LA. Not even at the coffee shops.

Where's Judy Carter? Where's Judy Carter? That book has sold 10 million copies. Really? And they keep revising it every couple years. I just bought it. I haven't started reading it yet. I know you wouldn't, you fuck.

It's better than the other one. Then there's the Bob Hope writer. He's good, but he's kind of nerdy. His work, shit is, but, Judy Carter of nerdy. His work shit is... but Judy Card always said to start with shit that you hate. I'm tricked up on stage. I just start hating. You know what fucking bothers me? A dude in the right hand lane. You know what bothers me? A motherfucker who wears cologne. Yeah. Anything just to get that hatred up. Just to, okay.

You know, so for me it was a catch 22. I wanna be funny and I wanna have fun, but I gotta be angry. Right. I gotta unleash at them. I like something to always happen before I go on stage. Somebody to say something stupid. So you have the edge.

Yeah, like two gay guys with the same cell phone. I just gotta see something that's gonna go, what the fuck is that? Yeah, so what happens, yeah, so that's actually an interesting question. So when you're on stage happy and in a good mood, it affects you? No, but your goal is to go out there and be happy.

No, fuck being happy. Your goal is to go out there and have a good time for you. For yourself. And that good time will roll into the energies of the audience. They have to, unless they just came from a wake. You know, even if it takes you 20 minutes. Sometimes you're up there talking about shit

that I don't know what you're talking about. And then you start leveling them and they start getting up and now... Whose fucking phone is that? It's a car. I think that's one of ours. It wouldn't be mine, mine's down the street a little bit. Yeah, yours is down the street. Yeah, please, I don't know.

Thank you. Ooh, it almost hit the fucking light. Yeah, sorry about that fucking alarm outside, guys. That could only happen to us on a Monday night. They probably won't be able to hear it. Fucking baby. Well, brother. They might not be able to hear it.

Listen to it. It's been going for 15 fucking minutes. We can hear it, bro. Microphones hopefully. Do you know what's fun? Do you know what we would do, too, is like going on the road, but going and doing something you wanted to do,

like planning the show, to go to a game, or something like or something like that so you're like hey we're gonna go see this football game. Absolutely. And that's the best. But then you get sick of hanging out on Sunday. I used to go see everybody on the road. Dallas. Oh yeah? Yeah I would go to the Dallas Improv and on Saturday go to the Chuck and Jive and sit there. Somebody will give you tickets. Oh shit. Somebody's always in there. That's I went to see the Giants against Dallas. What? It was 115 on the field. Even fucking that deodorant wouldn't help. You know what I've never been where I never been? I never been to a boxing match in my life. Ever. I haven't been to a boxing match since I was a kid. But you're in luck. Are you working this weekend? I don't know why.

What's going on? Sadly, I got tickets for an amateur fight in Holmdel, New Jersey. Some of my friends are fighting on the car. Oh wow. Some of them are down there. I got all excited. I was like, wait, is there a paper view at the garden?

No, no, no. There's my man John. There's my man. I train at a... My man John in Holmdel's gonna fuck you. No, man. When I train at a... My man John at Home Del is gonna fuck you. Nah man, when I was breathing, but I was boxing. Now I go there and I gotta do like 10 minute workouts. But it's a juice box in Freehold, tremendous.

They train you and then they sell Mexican food. What? And they sell organic juices, like fucking pineapple juice and cantaloupe juice, and fucking, they have all these healthy mixes, recovery juice. It's fucking great. The kid that trains me is,

I fucking forget now that I'm not in front of Jose or something. You do everything. You have to. You do karate, you do boxing. I haven't done Jiu Jitsu since October 8th because I had the puss coming out of my ear. I don't want to get it on somebody's hand.

But you're like people like, you're an active dude, man. Well, what else are you gonna do? Right. If you don't use it, you'll lose it. That's true. Okay, I was in the hospital for eight days, five and then three. I could be honest with you guys

because you're all family. That's not me. I don't know what's going on. When I got out of the hospital first three days I Felt it my muscles yes Five days in the hospital room and I took a shower I washed my pussy by the time they come to get blood at 715. I'm already showered grease in the hair

I'm smoking I get my little breakfast the breakfast wouldn't come till 9 I would go to the cabinet to steal like four things of Rice Krispies with orange juice and go back to my room And then I'd walk around a little bit But when I came out I tell you guys I wasn't strong at all I had a couple fucking days that were I'm like Joey. It's tough to build up But it's so easy to lose It's tough to build up, but it's so easy to lose. You know what I'm saying? Like it takes us a long time to lose weight

or to get stronger. But in those 20 days, I lost everything. Right, so yeah, a short amount of time you lose it. You lose everything. You lose it. It's like I start from scratch. And all I could do is lift weights. So every day I had to lift five minutes, eight minutes.

Now today I did 25 minutes. I did overhead presses, I did some bench presses. I got to breathe through my nose and go slowly, which is even better for your muscles. Do you have the stay at home sauna? No I go to the red light sauna. Oh okay. I went this morning. Because I bought one for house. You just go in at one person, you sit down, then cranks

up to like one fifth, you just pour in sweat one person, you sit down, then cranks up to like one fifth, you just pour in sweat 20 minutes, and it's good for your heart, everything. I went in there today, and my body needed it, because after the first minute, I started smelling that titty juice, that titty sweat started coming out of me, it starts dripping from the back,

and then your hair opens up, I know. You're getting sleepy. Remember those movies in the 70 know. You're getting sleepy. Remember those movies in the 70s? You're getting sleepy. If I did what you did, I would be, you guys would just be able to put a camera on me and there would have been no joke. Yeah, your feet would have been up.

Oh dude, I'd be foaming at the mouth, crying. I'd be all fucked up, dude. I'd start seeing shit, I'd start thinking of my wife. Dude, I'd get all fucked up, dude. Oh dude, I'd start reminiscing about sad shit when I get really fucked up like that. Yeah, not with a cocktail, but you know, it's funny, you had me thinking about the hospital. My grandfather told my grandfather,

he went to the hospital and he never wanted to leave. He never wanted to leave the hospital. So my father went there and goes, you know, I gotta take him out. And he goes, Tommy, my grandfather called me, he goes, Tommy, leave me the fuck alone in here. I'm staying, because he didn't want to go back to my grandmother, because she broke his balls.

You know, he would sneak ice cream. He had emphysema. I didn't realize, we have emphysema, you can't ice cream and shit like that, it's no good for you. But he would sneak in and want it, and she would always break his balls, so he said, keep me in the fucking hospital.

So he just stayed in the fucking hospital. He wouldn't do that now. After he seized the bill I got from the hospital. It's 100,000 for five days. What? It was 100,000. What? 21,000 a day. They're not fucking around.

I mean, I have insurance. I ended up paying like five grand. Right. 100,000. 100,000. She told me what they were charging. Like they won't let you bring your prescriptions in. Fuck Right. 100,000. 100,000. She told me what they were charging. Like they won't let you bring your prescriptions in. Fuck no.

Yeah, yeah. Cause they'll charge you extra $18 for that pill. Well he was up to me. I was taking 30 pills a day at $20 and fucking three tetanus shots, fucking the shit that you don't clod up with. They would shoot me with everything at $20 a fucking shot. No wonder.

Yeah, well my grandfather restlessly was at that VA hospital in the Bronx. Oh, that's great. The VA hospital, they just killed him. You know, they don't. The VA hospital fucking killed him. They don't give a fuck. The VA hospital don't fuck with them.

You know, we didn't know, we didn't know if he was getting delusional or if it was true, but he said they were tying him down. Oh yeah, they don't fuck around. Like he said, he said. They don't fuck around., but he said they were tying him down. You know? Oh yeah, they don't fuck around. Like he said, he said. They don't fuck around. He was like, they were tying him down. He said these old women were all pissed off,

yelling at him, telling him to shut the fuck up. Yeah, they don't think. Because he was trying to get them, they tied him down, so we didn't know. They don't get paid enough at the V.A. Especially now, we're fucking. Rest is solved. With Elon Musk, they ain't getting nothing.

They're motherfuckin'. Pretty soon, they won't even be minimum wage, dog. Elon Musk is cutting everything. I mean, Elon Musk, do you see how much money he cut down? Oh, please. I mean, he cut, but I didn't realize what some of the shit we were spending. He's gonna start cutting the staff down

at New York Comedy Club. He's gonna walk in there. You only need two waitresses tonight. He's gonna go to Gotham. We don't need 4X cops. Get fucking two of them out of here. He's gonna go to New York Comedy Club. He's gonna go to New York Comedy Club. He's gonna go to New York Comedy Club. He's gonna go to New York Comedy Club. He's gonna go to New York Comedy Club. He's gonna go to New York Comedy Club. He's gonna go to New York Comedy Club. That motherfucker.

He's cutting sneaker sizes. He's going to go to Gotham. We don't need 4X cops. Get fucking two of them out of here. We have one. That's it. One could fight them all. But I didn't realize though, some of the things that I heard, I didn't realize we were spending

like $300 million on shit that was like, you're like, we're never even going to need some shit. You remember years ago they were building something. Not to insult you Paul, where you been? What do you mean? Where the fuck you been? 20 years ago they had a thing on 60 minutes. They were building a fucking something to train in. Oh yeah.

And they had to go over there and get the sand. Had like 80,000 a fucking pound. They bought like 20,000 per cocaine's cheaper. They could have made the fucking thing out of coke and it would have been cheaper and they could have sold it after they stepped on it and shit. Take fucking, you know. No, but they were spending money on like

trans transitioning animals. Oh yeah, no, no, no, no. They wanted to see if a cat could be a fucking dude. I'm not, they were doing some, no, they were doing some like, they wanted to test out transgender things on animals. I'm not, they were doing some, no, they were doing something like they wanted to test out transgender things on animals. I'm not even, in like another country.

And Elon Musk was like, what the fuck, I'm not even Googling, I'm not even fucking around. Unless somebody lied to me. But I should have been more, no, but that's- Will you be fucking, why do you think everybody goes for government contracts? Right. Because they pay a ton of money,

and they don't know what the fuck you're doing. You send them a book report every three days. Yeah, we're doing this, yeah. Check with us again, the monkey, the monkey and the, the monkey and the fucking, the skunk died. You know what I'm saying? We got him to fuck, but it was,

you know, the only transgender animal we have is a pigeon. You know, and that's because his name is Murray. He's Jewish, whatever the fuck. And they'll buy that, you know, that's because his name is Murray he's Jewish whatever the fuck and they'll buy that you know dog psychiatry yeah that's white that's white people we chopped the cat's dick off now it's walking different i mean you know i don't want to get political up in this bitch but i knew was spending today i saw something uh somebody going Kamala should have won and i'm, who would have said something like this? Because all these people claim to love America. If you love America so much, why would you let

two billion, 20 million fucking people from other countries come in here and we don't have nothing on them? We don't know about anything. You know what they're open, they're planning against us already. You know who they let in? The people who burnt down LA.

I guarantee they came into that. Those are professionals. Those are professional lighters. They came with a bunch of bigs. No, they actually caught people. They said bigs. They came with a bunch of bigs. In other news, gas station elucidant

picked lighters everywhere. No, but they caught arsonists. They caught them afterward yeah the ones that want to be copycats the sick ones whoever did that Gaza hole okay that was a professional fucking hit it does that's a professional hit with fire even Jews can't do that like Jews are professional yeah and like burning businesses yeah you see a business on fire in Queens. There's always a Jew outside. What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do? We lost everything. They doubled and shorted last year. They got Israeli money and that shit. You know, the kings are burning. That's why you call it Jewish lightning. A Jew couldn't even burn that fucking thing. That thing looks like Gaza, man.

That was hit with something. That was hit with something. That was hit with something. A new laser, that was hit with something, man. Then there was no water, no fire hydrants. Listen, I don't even know what really happened because after I heard like three or four things, I know they're lying. I'm like Henry Hill's wife.

I'm like, look at your eyes, I know that you're lying. she throws the vice out with your ready-made horse. It's already made horse Listen after like you get so old and you've been involved in so many things Yeah that you hear that she after like the second line you go turn it off. This guy's bullshit, you know What the bullshit it's it's true and you you know you said something before where you were like, oh you know these people don't love America. I was in Florida and I got in an Uber and the driver was from Syria and he's sitting there and he's a big dude

and the only reason why he's allowed to be here is because he had a wife from here and he had two children and he's driving me from Orlando to the train station and he goes, you people here. So he said to me, I'll never forget this, one of the only rides where I really fucking took what the driver said, he goes, you people here. So he said to me, I'll never forget this, one of the only rides where I really fucking took what the driver said, he goes, you people in this country, he goes, you don't know.

And he was like, I'm lucky to be here. He goes, in Syria, you're walking through the streets, bombs going off. If you speak one thing against the government, even now, right now, if you speak against the government or you say one bad thing, we could go on podcasts and say all this shit. CNN can say CNN.

If you even word of mouth gets out that you're talking against them, you could be killed or tortured and your family. And there's rockets. People are just getting killed in the streets, getting blown up. He goes, and I never forget the way he said this. He goes, you people here, he goes, your media, he goes, very bad. He goes, you listen to things. He goes, you have no idea what you have here in the United States. And I really kind of took it because he was like, I'm lucky to be here because

my wife is from here. But he's like, this is the, he goes, I've been all over the world. He goes, this is the safe haven. This is the best fucker. And you take it for granted, man. You do. I'm a spick. I came here and I couldn't speak English and I remember those years. I really remember that I remember learning English and how it excited I was about learning English and I wanted to be like Dick Van Dyke You know all that shit is It builds something and my mother My mother wouldn't go to a met game unless you could see the the national anthem My uncle's 85 he still goes to Dodger games

and he goes for hitting the national anthem. He gets up on the seventh inning national anthem. Those revolutionary Cubans, Fidel took everything from them. So they came here and they probably got a little handout. There was no fucking immigration loans in those days for three points. And today today when you're parked up the corner here when you make the right onto Kennedy Boulevard Before the left from Route 3 as you're making the left you sit there at that light and look at the What's going into the city?

So you're pulling up off the three you just went by the fucking dirty hotel And you're about to make a left on Kenny Boulevard And underneath you have like that where it spins and you could either go to shop right or whatever right there It says welcome to Union City the world's largest embroidery capital of the world and That's why all the Spanish people came here because when they got to Miami there were billboards That's that come to Union City, land the opportunity, come fucking make sweaters, whatever you fucking

Goussanos do, and that's why, you know, I remember being a kid, and that was the hottest thing to steal in Hudson County, was those big boxes of thread, oh, I would steal like three of those a week, they were like 75 bucks, you know what I'm saying, that's an eight ball where I come from, and Army patches, you know, that's all done here. But there's something about even this,

you know, everybody was waiting for Trump to become president. And I see that. And the big slogan was to make America great again. Two people can't do that. That starts with us. It starts with us. It doesn't start with, you know, fucking some president, putting

whatever the fuck he's doing, cutting everybody off, and there's not even gonna be a lunch lady no more. He's getting rid of the lunch ladies. Fuck it. You know, I mean, and he's a good president. I'm not saying nothing bad about it. I don't want to turn this into a political conversation, but to make America great again, we all have to be involved. Everybody's got a chip. Little by little Yeah, you're asking me what I'm doing. At least I'm not lying. I'm over here talking shit letting these motherfuckers Yeah, no, I feel that makes America better too instead of being those people. Oh my god, everything's I'm afraid to say how you feel Yeah, yeah, you know, I saw a post

From a six time 62 this guy 65 65 He came from a very wealthy family, even though he always hides it and he tells people he's a writer in Hollywood This guy hasn't even written a funny paragraph He's one of those guys. They gave him a job in the height of MTV he's been living off that credit and He wrote something. You know how many writers in LA sell real estate. Yeah, they're all fucking it's all bullshit. Yeah This guy is filthy rich. They all walk around like they got no money. Yeah, you're gonna get a job. Why? He's got 30 g's a month Why are you lying to me? You got a volvo your kid's got a volvo the wife's got a mercedes, but you need money

Yeah, i'm so stressed out, I got a deadline for what? Tony the Tiger? You ain't writing. You haven't written in years, knock it off. And he's one of these guys that's always at the SAG or the SAG protest. He's at every political thing, every time. Like now you're not supposed to buy anything on Friday.

Did you hear about that? No. Friday is no consumer day. Every Friday? You can't go online, yeah. If you're a Kamala Harris fan, you can't buy anything. You're blacking out everybody. What?

Don't drive, don't, yeah. Are you fucking kidding me? You know, but he has the thing up. But the best, he's 65. Yeah. And after Selena went on to cry, he put, I side with Selena Gomez. And I felt bad because I like for somebody to grab and go, you're a 65-old man and you're

siding with a little young, confused, rich girl that is completely oblivious to reality. Yeah. Let me go smack you in the mouth. Selena Gomez has $500 million She could cry about anything. Who the fuck's got time to make a sign and go protest it Could you imagine could you imagine sent your ass? That means you got a trust fund Protesters all walk there looking dirty, but they hide the Mercedes a mile away and they walk ice dog I lived in Boulder you lived in

Boulder with me a bunch of dirty white kids they pull up your house in a rocket ship a $200,000 car but meanwhile you know I need money no you don't yeah your dad just bought you a $200,000 fucking missile yeah I'm broke man I need a job and they got the dirty feet and the long hair.

And you know why? You know what I heard, what's nice, I heard in Florida the car could hit, the car could hit the protestor in Florida. Oh, that's not good for me. DeSantis. It's like that hitchhiker. DeSantis was like, look dude,

if you block the fucking road and somebody's gotta get, poof, poof. I tell ya, when you said you were young and stupid before, I wouldn't have picked up the hitchhike on the RFK Whatever the FDR. Yeah, I just wrote him Who's gonna say that's target practice right there just give him a little bit Did you see what did that with that black guy had his daughter in the car Yeah, he said he had to go to hospital. There were these it was all these, you know

with that black guy had his daughter in the car. He said he had to go to the hospital. There was all these protesters, these white people making a chain across the thing. This guy gets out of the car, he goes, get the fuck out of the way. My daughter needs to go to the hospital. And they push him away. But in some states, you're in trouble if you move them.

It's assault if you move them. It's assault if you push them away. I'm gonna tell you right now, my daughter or son needs something, I'm showing up with dead protesters on the hood of my fucking car. I go under my seat. I get the gun. I give it to you. And I go out like a gentleman and go I gotta go to the bathroom. You understand me? I'm 62. I gotta take a piss. That's gonna

go all over me. So please open up. But we're not. Okay. not okay boom boom put it right and fuck an extra key I got the you take the gun out just shoot the windshield just shoot the fucking windshield and you'll never see all those white pussy jumping over that bridge I mean I don't think it's fucking ice I mean I don't think it's ice and they're white and they're running they jumping off that bridge over the fucking Brooklyn. The fuck out of here with their fucking Birkenstocks on and go fuck yourself. And the biggest problem, the biggest problem.

Isn't it Birkenstocks? Yeah, those fucking sandals. These white women wear those things. That's so comfortable. I was like, they make socks too? Look at your foot. Those women wear that shit. And, and they got the ugliest feet It's always a woman with a size ten and a half. Yeah, you look at their foot

You really want to do you really want to expose that fucking piece of chopped meat put that in a fucking boot You don't wear Birkenstocks. I see a woman with Birkenstocks All I can smell is a filthy ass and a filthy a fucking pussy and we'll end the show with that When I see a woman with Birkenstocks I can tell your ass smells to death and forget about your little yeast infected Period dried pussy. Oh, it's got a smell like I don't think I'm ever gonna call it Birkenstock again I'm sorry. I get all emotional about Birkenstock. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, shit. That's why I got, that's question number one of Judy Brown. You gotta write about what you hate. Fuck them Birkenstocks. And women who wear them, and the women who don't put, they don't color their toenails, them I'll hit with a car. If you're gonna wear those Birkenstocks,

you're gonna come out with a size 12 foot, you better put some tint on that fucking. Yeah size 12 foot you better put some tint on that fucking yeah Yeah, you better put some tint on that No white red you gotta put some the foot is always wider than that because black people don't wear Birkenstock You don't see Mexicans or Spicks with Birkenstock. These little jungle spics. You don't see them with Birkenstock. You don't see Italians with them. No! That's a white lady that drinks ginger and don't eat meat. You ever smell a woman's pussy when they don't eat meat?

No. When a woman tells you she's a vegan, run. Run. Because the outside smells good because they wash it. It's once you put those two fingers in it starts going quack quackack, quack. Smell that room after that. Your fingers will stick together.

You gotta eat meat. You said vegans? Vegan women, their pussy's fucking ranch. I lived in Boulder. You could smell it through the pants when you walk. Really? Like something don't smell right. Really?

Yeah, women who are vegans, their snatches are fucking dirty because the pussy's clean, the soap, it's inside. They need that meat, they need that protein. So you dip your finger in there, you know when you go, everybody gets hot, you're moving your little hips and shit. What do you think vegan balls smell like? I don't know, but you know, that's a good question. And only you would think about that. Oh my God, dude.

Give me some dates, brother. Yeah, I'm gonna be, guys, check me out. Check out my new special too, Reasonable Man. It's on my YouTube. March 13th, I am going to be at the Den Theater in Chicago. 27th Tempe, Arizona, improv. 28, 29, mic drop in San Diego, California. And I'm gonna be at the Denver Comedy Works

on March 30th. Oh, and we just added Pittsburgh and Cleveland, March 21 and 22. Go to paulversey.com for all the dates. Man, I really appreciate you guys having me on. Anytime, you're family, Cuck. This is so fucking fun. April 17th and 18th, Moon Tower.

17th is sold out, 18th is still available. NJ Pack, the 27th of June for the North to South Festival. And tickets just went on sale for May in the City of Brotherly Love Parks Casino. So jump on that. What do you got, Lee? New York's through the week, so check my Instagram. And then March 1st, I'm opening up

for Steve Simone and Souljo's. And then March March 7th I'm at Laugh It Up in Poughkeepsie. You're fucking beautiful. I love you Paul. How great of a guy is Steve Simone? Tremendous. He's a Catholic's Catholic. Every time I go to Tampa he takes me to a church. He's better than a priest. Like the Pope he's gonna die fuck him. That dude looks like a fucking pedophile. And I'm a Catholic. Oh yeah, he looks like an old pedophile. I could see him in a disco in New York in the 70s, jumping up and down with a bishop's shoe on.

You know what I'm saying? I could see, especially with that big head now, that's a, he's a come swallow. Steve Simone is the closest thing to a saint. He is. Yeah, a great guy. Until you show him a nice pussy, I guarantee he loses his mind. I love you guys. on it on it is one

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