Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Chinese Ribs for Passover

Episode Date: April 23, 2024

Happy Passover! Joey tells Lee what is so special and dangerous about the Austin comedy scene, why people call Joey the nicotine gum bandit, getting arrested by a cop on a horse, and what Jewish people should be allowed to eat during Passover. Support the show & get 20% off and free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com with code JOEY Support the show and try Blue Chew for free – just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and use promo code DIAZ This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ and get on your way to being your best self. The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

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So now do TVs run for your lives. It's over They didn't put you on this planet just to give up I thought what Joey could do it like the rule the world. I think you gotta be Oh What's up dog It's good to see you buddy with all the Jews in the struggle. You know I'm saying it's the war day the 23rd I think it's a beautiful day to be alive. What's happening brother, man? Oh Passover and we got into I had not a fight but an argument with action Bronson when he came on because it's the Passover like Jews can make good food but Passover is like it feels like a punishment when you're a kid. I

over is Brutal oh you might as well be in Papillon and they put you in the desert Maslow either roach to eat that fucking Jew food on Passover. Oh that That's how bad is it's very It won't even give you a heartburn you won't fart. You won't even know what in your system It's like fucking you know, it's like California roll. You know, you don't even know it's in there. It just goes in there and it disappears Oh, it's it. Have you tried get filter fish fish have you ever had when I was younger you did It's like hot dog fish basically. I

Think the Jews just eat peasant shrimp like they Like sushi. I know what was going on and fucking Juville. I love they didn't have fucking you know Albuquerque they hit you with these fucking nasty fishes that you got to dope up. I mean whitefish I love I don't mind the whitefish with the mayo and all that shit the cream. That's right But I love the salmon, you know, I like salmon from all directions. I like the bagel I like the pale Jews will make it but Shit, you know, I don't think they give you brisket on Passover. There's no place My mom makes brisket my mom. It's I'm I that's the one rule I have for her for

Almost every holidays brisket. Yeah, you're gonna show up with crackers and slim fast shakes I don't need shit member slim fast you drink it you wouldn't fart You fart but it was like this invisible fog like you go to reach to see how the slim fast is working You know and there's no odor to the slim fast far Why drink a milkshake if you ain't gonna get a little fucking let me tell you something You know our struggle with animals. We don't have to lie to nobody. You know I'm saying like people like he didn't do it. Yeah, shut the fuck up People had no idea what was going on behind the scenes. So no

Especially edible wise like you know, cuz yeah, we ate 2000 we got to the show. But what did I eat before that? You know what I got he was shaking like a fucking you know So it's funny honest to God I've been very very good and it's funny, honest to God, I've been very, very good. And it's like, you know, I learned to sleep without the edibles. I learned to do a lot of stuff without the edibles, which is very sad, because I wouldn't fucking go to sleep

unless I took edibles at night. That was part of it. And I gave it a break, you know, three years. I mean, I cut back way. And then there was a point there where I started eating them again. I'm like that I'm not going away. I mean fucking a to these things, you know, and I just said fuck it Then we started doing a podcast and I said let's do them on Mondays Now I've been Billy Dallying with him like last Monday

I think it's hundred, you know, man, like I've been just on the whatever 400 Monday I think 100. I've been just on the whatever 400. You were taking a light. And Thursday I was about to fly now since the pandemic I haven't gotten lit up on a plane. Not even smoking weed before a plane. It's hysterical. Today as I was leaving Austin I had a joint in my pocket. I left it right on the trash at the airport. Somebody comes in the pink panther was there. So I always leave little joints and roaches of places and then see how they react. People react to them and stuff like you never know. So Thursday I was leaving and I fucking go, you know what?

It's 420 weekend and I fucked up because I didn't bring the ABXs with me. I just grabbed 800 milligrams like for Huh, that's only enough for a day now, you know, I didn't know whatever so I get to the airport I'm a little scared of taking them. It's been the first time on a plane and fucking four years So Ari's in Newark Airport and he meets me and I go listen Ari I gotta go grab a burrito something to put in my stomach before I eat these animals So I went grab the burrito was a fucking Arab guy with the turban. I'm like, I'm not even gonna eat this thing It's gonna be terrible

Soon as I saw the turban, he's selling Mexican food. I'm like, where'd I go wrong? Well, where the fuck did we go wrong? I mean people just say but I tell you I bit into the burrito cuz he had gloves on at least if you had no gloves on I would have just thrown it away, but he had gloves on and fucking Take a bite out of it Lee. It was the best braised beef burrito. I've had in my life. I'd eat my words That's braised beef burrito I've had in my life. I had to eat my words. And I'm like, lamb in there, you know, he's in there putting in faith lamb or some shit.

I ate the whole fucking thing. And then I sat there and I was only gonna eat 400 milligrams. And I said, fuck it, let's go for broke. So I popped fucking 600. And then I didn't feel nothing, so I popped the fork one, right? By the time the little lunch came I was fucked up. I was watching that show. I Don't know what it's fucking called gentlemen on Netflix. It's fucking tremendous show But this Chinese guy grows weed and there's an English guy and it's just a fucking interesting show

But after two episodes, I just couldn't fucking take it Shit when that little lady came up and she was like this vest I didn't know what she was talking about You know like when they show you the vest in the beginning with the blinking lights and the whistle and the air I'm like what what is this shit? Wait here. I have a couple of questions. questions okay they do the best at the beginning of the flight I was already fucked up I know but you said you waited and didn't feel anything how long did you give the first six hundred six

minutes twenty five minutes we got shit to do with people to see it I had a movie to watch you saying I got episodes I got a woo-woo so you didn't really give it any, oh my God. And then- That was so high, I couldn't figure out the fucking email. I couldn't figure out how to go from computer to fucking airplane mode. And I kept getting, you know, I'm not the sharpest mode.

Now I got fucking a batch of THC juice in my bloodstream and I can't figure it out that took about 20 minutes But the clinker the clinker of the night was when that bitch brought three pieces of cheese and two crackers that fuck me up I'm like who does this to somebody this is like That's what the Jews do they give you three pieces of cheese and two crackers now when you're sober You just eat the fucking thing, but when you're high you're like, why would somebody? Short me on a fucking cracker, you know saying and now you're like, how am I gonna eat the cheese?

Cuz give me those two pieces of white cheese. You don't know what they are But then they give you that dead dead yellow cheese that's fucking old But whatever they chata Colby and you definitely cracker for that fucking thing You know, I just broke the cracker in half. I did some algebra and I was happy the rest of the fucking flight That's it. I got at eight and I was fucked up late and I got to my room and I was taking a shower in the shower. I'm like I Am fucked up really now I went to Red Band's room the Sunset Strip because nobody there was

nobody at the at the mothership and that I mean I was high till I got home after I got off stage the edible settled down a little bit and I ordered like fucking 10 tacos they were tremendous Fucking bean and cheese tacos lee with oh my god took me right back to the fucking office Yeah steak tacos Then friday night at the mothership fucking Whatever brought in barbecue terry black Oh nice, that's about right. The thing of turkey and the thing of fucking sausage.

I didn't touch the sausage. The turkey was to die for. I wish I could have brought the tray with me. And I had some brisket. The brisket was so good and so thick. The next morning, Saturday morning, I got up and I had breakfast. And I went for my morning walk.

And I smoked a number. And I had to run back to the hotel because I had to take a shit right so I sit on this toilet I don't I know it's gonna be deadly so I don't even go into my room I go right in the whole lobby. There's those nice bathrooms, and this is a great hotel and The Moon Tower Comedy Festival was that right so I don't even know it's the Moon Tower Comedy Festival I get that see Mark Maron. I see Brad Williams. I saw Roy Wooden and Rachel Feinstein it was great to see a Todd Barry. It was great to fucking see him one of my favorites and Anyway, I took this fucking dump at about 10 in the morning, right and you know, this is a nice hotel

They got those porcelain tubs, but when I shot it just went Bang and the whole toilet shot, right? Like how it rattled I'm like what the fuck's going on. So I I look at it was just like a six-incher But it was heavy. It had some meat to it like a meatloaf Wouldn't flush do you know I went back in there like a four to pee and the shit was still on it wouldn't it wouldn't give in This was in the front lobby of the hotel. Yeah, and it didn't smoke. It was just you know a fucking missile in there It looked like a toilet. It looked like a zeppelin. That's what it looked like And finally I put it in the toilet I put it in the toilet. I put it in the toilet. I put it in the toilet. I put it in the toilet just you know a fucking missile in there it looked like a toilet it looked like

a zeppelin that's what it looked like and finally after like 20 minutes of flushing it finally just I don't know oh Jesus I left the little piece of nicotine gun to let them know it was daddy you know what I'm saying? that's your calling card the nicotine gum bandit you're just looking Like if I go to jujitsu I look at the parking lot there's all yellow gum my gym there's 20 yellow gums That's the mark of the Cuban the nicotine Jesus and then I want to talk about you leaving you not shitting in your room Will you leave your room to go shit in the lobby? Like if it's give you know, it's gonna be bad Well, you're downstairs already

Nobody goes to those bathrooms downstairs just chubby professionals like myself that know about that hidden gem. I Love hotel rooms, but there's two things I hate about hotel rooms going to the bathroom in the hotel room and eating in a room Okay, I really don't like eating. I don't like people in my room. I Don't know who I hate worse in my room guys or girls. Oh Yeah, I have anyone in my room when we do Vegas. It's a suite. So I would have everybody come up You know, we were all the room service and smoke weed But I don't living room it do you remember that? Yeah, of course. Yeah, that was a cool room It was uh, but this was it was pretty great weekend. I'm really proud of red man

He put something nice together down there. Oh nice. There was a nice club. I mean it was packed, you know I just didn't do well. I was clunky that night. I was a little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a

Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a

Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a Little bit of a I had a question when I would walk and huff and puff from the anxiety. I was hot How did you feel? How do you feel going on stage? Hi now? Is it any different? No, no, I didn't go that was the only night. I want to stay down the other I didn't bring any other ones with me Right now but I'm gonna go I don't want to fuck around yet. I gotta get come now. I do a couple of it's going I didn't drink down there at all, you know

Why really fucked it up? I didn't do acid this time. The acid was there waiting for me. There was mushrooms I'm doing anything. I was you know, I really want to focus on these sets And how did they go turn it took me four months to turn a page? I finally knew what was going on with me, why I was clunky, and it was very interesting. But I did, the reason I called you last night was to talk to you about that scene. There was one, two, three, there were four, you know, I knew a lot of comics, but there were four young comics that I had known at the Comedy Store in LA and I watched them perform, you know They improved

so fucking much Hassan Mm-hmm the top with the fucking beard as a son of mine. I think it's on I'm mispronouncing his last name Here's a podcast with their post and yeah, just unbelievable Mm-hmm opening up the room every night Confident, you know, you see it and it inspires you You're like, holy fuck when I go up there. I Can't be fucking around and

What came back into my comedy was the humanity factor? Since I only had 15 minutes. I was going up there trying to be fucking Rodney and that's not gonna work I was going up there trying to be fucking Rodney and that's not gonna work That's not gonna work. You got to slow them down a little bit Talk to him let him know what's going on in your world and then attack from there piece them from there. It's like So I figured that out after four months. It took me four or five months. But again, I'm not working Seven nights a week if I would have been doing this by the second month. I would have figured it out, you know So it was enjoyable. I seven nights a week. If I would have been doing this by the second month, I would have figured it out. So it was enjoyable.

I had a fucking great time. And I can't ask for anything else. Man, at 61 years old, this is exactly what I wanna do. And if that's where I'm gonna do the residency next year, like in September, so be it what I want to do. And if that's what I'm going to do the residency next year, like in September, so be it. What can I do? How do you feel compared to when you started? How do you feel about the fact that you're doing it?

In January? When I started back up in January and started doing it, I know who I am now and I know my place I Know I don't listen. I had to find a happy medium like you always do in life Just cuz I had a family didn't mean I had a quick comedy Didn't mean my thought it made me stop being a comic You know I'm saying and in my mind for a while, I was like, you know what? I want to settle down. I read a lot of Led Zeppelin books.

And when, you know, Robert Plant, when he lost his son and after a long tour, they would just not talk to each other for a year or eight months. So that was the first time I had done that. I know for a fact, Lee, I can't handle the plane rides. Right now, work myself up to it, you know, and go to my favorite places. But that's way down the line. That's way down the line right now. Right now, I just want to get my feet under me, you know. I think after the pandemic, a lot of comics went right back from the pandemic to make

money and stuff. And a lot of comics didn't have new material. They just went with it. And I think since the pandemic, I don't know. I think that we rushed back. I thought that comics would go back into, you know, comedy clubs for six months and work on their crap. They went right back to theaters and stadiums. It was like nothing happened. So

No, I Was that word I'm pretty much anchored I know I want this I'm not sweating this at all I'm not sweating this at all. I don't give a fuck what happens on stage. I'm gonna be funny and I'm gonna have a good time And that's it. That's basically it And are you having a good seems like you're having a good time Yeah, I had a really good time this weekend and to be honest. I had a better time in the little room Okay, no room really sucks the comedy out of you. It's small Okay, no room really sucks the comedy out of you. It's small

It's really fucking developmental room. I told Joe and a couple guys I go. Oh, I need is two weeks in this motherfucker Two weeks. Yeah, when it's a night I tape it. I got it. I got 45 40 You know You think you would get 40 minutes into that room. Yeah, because you go up there with no expectations You don't even write the joke. You just write the premise and go up there with the premise and put it to yourself Who gives a fuck? That's the The discipline, you know And guess what those people that came on monday?

Saw that joke bomb they giggled but I didn't really get it by Wednesday. If they come back, it's got life to it. If they come back the following Wednesday, it's almost complete. It may not be tied into something correctly, but I took down a bit. Do you know what I'm saying? I took down a bit. I wanted to try this week. As usual, I pulled the Joey Diaz. I left my notebook on the desk. Oh

You didn't bring it. Oh So I had a dip dip into the computer, you know, and I'm not good with the typing jokes It's just not me. I started writing them and I remember more if I fucking write them, you know I'm not gonna say I can't write on the computer, but I didn't have my notebook I didn't have my thoughts. I thought of one topic. I really wanted to dive into And again, I didn't dive into in the big room, but in the little room it just popped up into my mind I go let's rock it and I think I got three minutes out of the bit and I taped it and I got home today after my nap. I fucking wrote it down. That was it I got home today after my nap. I fucking wrote it down. That was it

That's good for everyone out there listening to do 40 minutes in two weeks. I know I know you're just talking but like Even if it was 30 minutes in two weeks Is outrageous it's I would come up with 35 minutes in two weeks Yeah, we spawn into 45 and another week or so two weeks Because of the way this room. It's like the ice house When we went to the ice house together you I didn't do jokes you heard before we just ran out And those were the best nights we ever had there was no pressure. They paid 20 bucks They paid 20 bucks You know 20 bucks

And I didn't give a fuck member. I did New Year's in there 90 because it's a flowing room when you're in those rooms who gives a fuck about the money You're getting thousands of dollars flowing from your head, which you never get before And those are the rooms that you go up. They're a good audience. You know, they're gonna be good but you're gonna take a bullet and you're gonna go up there and just Say the premises Fucking the Jews bombed by ran Palestinians got a breather for a while, you know The Palestinians will be able to eat again, you know

Just little things that are coming to your mind right You know, and that's the beauty of this thing. I can't after this weekend I'm like I was laying that Thursday night on the fucking edible juice in bed. I'm like, I don't know if I ever get dementia This makes you think People think like I'm quiet and shit. I'm fucking thinking when I'm at that club Listen, I don't want to get into a conversation with you like a deep keep it light. How you doing good? How you feel great? How's your wife tremendous move on?

Because I'm watching Yeah, listen and I'm thinking which is very rare and I but I'm not talking No, you're pretty quiet. I'm not talking. There's no reason to talk If I talk I'm taking away from the energy from the crap. I Don't even get mad anymore before I go on stage like I was thinking about that. I don't throw tantrums no more I don't call get mad anymore before I go on stage. Like I was thinking about that. I don't throw tantrums no more. I don't call people names and shit. I don't yell like fucking Joe in the green room

and fucking walk out yelling. He gets so happy when I fucking yell at people. You motherfuckers. I'm trying to focus on the set. You motherfuckers are talking about carrots or fighting. I'll fucking kill you. And people like, what the fuck is up with him? And they don't know that as I walk out,

after I call them all cocksuckers, I'm giggling because at least I got my thinking up and I got fired up. When I come back, they're like, ah, we knew you were doing motherfucker. You insulting us, just get party up there. Would you go from like zero, like silent, to just screaming at people about like

whatever they were talking about? I would just sit there and listen to you talk stupidity for 35 minutes while I'm trying to focus on a fucking joke. And all I hear about is whatever topic you're beating the bones. And yeah, I want to go to Netflix is a festival thing. I believe, you know, listen, just be funny. That's it.

It's 20 minutes. You're fucking, you know, how did you feel when you, shut the fuck up. How did I feel? I would just happen to be funny. That's it. It's 20 minutes fucking, you know, how did you feel when you shut the fuck up? How do I feel I was just happy to be alive. I was on stage and they were laughing How do you think I fucking felt like fucking Madonna with a knee brace on I felt fucking great Yeah And it's it's crazy that you say like it reminds you of the eye like the stage two at the old ice house I'm sure it's great now, but those like those Wednesdays because we didn't for years like off and on but like must have done at least Twice a month just like someone I did maybe two new years in there. I don't like big new years

No, but those are those new year's fucking show No, but those are the new year's fucking show expecting a fucking bottle of shitty champagne and Some fucking party favors that has the right for the club to charge you 200 bucks Because you're gonna spend that shit like this. Are you fucking retarded? Listen, just give me the small 25 We'll start the show at 730. I'll get you out by 930 You'll be at the coke dealers house by 10 headed to a party by 1030 And yeah, you had a good time you giggled the girl giggled. I

Love that shit, but a big production. I'm gonna do a countdown one of my dick Clark get the fuck out of I don't even like the fucking I don't even like the fucking countdown Those are three years up there and people dug them. Seven thirty seven. Oh, yeah. Let's shout into the fucking horizon. Let's take a picture. You have a cocktail and you could even go home. Make a reservation to eat. You know, it's oh, yeah, I loved all that shit.

I hate that sex show. On New Year's, you know, the shows at the ice house what happened you didn't at least in the small room You didn't really do second shows. There's one show a night and like i'll put those I'll put those shows up against any Kind like and i've seen you at all over the country I like the store you were always great at, but that room in particular, because there were like two rows. There was a table row, I think maybe two table rows,

and then the back row area where they were against the wall. So it was like three rows of people, with like 80 people in a tiny space. And it was just like, I don't think I've ever laughed harder than those nights. Those were great shows people have no idea as a young comic Everybody wants to strive to the arena and shit, but if you do comedy and you consider the audiences That's a man. I grew up on listening to albums And had 200 people in the audience. They would take that a fucking restaurant You can hear the forks listen to an old prior out listen to an old red fox out listen to an old white dude not No, no even Lenny Bruce even Lenny Bruce

You would hear people eating and drinking and you can hear the cigarette smoke and you know, you can hear the cigarette smoke. That's how There was 150 people in the room 180 was smoking. You know I'm saying like There was 150 people in the room 180 was smoking, you know I'm saying like We pregnant and they were fucking smoking like they didn't give a fuck But yeah, I grew up on that. So that's what I really admired Just walking into a restaurant people have dead dinner It's like one of those clubs from goodfellas that club bamboo what I used to hang out with with the lamps Right go up there. I'm very professional not looking like a bum You know I'm saying like you put a nice shirt on a jacket whatever

You do 45 minutes. You could take them wherever the fuck you want That's why Richard Pryor those guys were so dirty on those You could take them wherever the fuck you want and the people have a good time You have a good time and on top of that you look at your tape recorder and go this for fucking new jokes on that That's crazy. Like you said, I had a show like that this week, too. It was like It was one of the best shows I've ever had like cuz I've only done 50 i think this was my fourth time look and so like it's basically every joke that i've ever written that i like not exactly but close and it just it was the first time not saying i like killed but it was the first

time like i didn't really have like a lull in like the 50 like i kept the the jokes flowed. I did them in the in a good order. I interacted with them a little bit. I wrote some jokes about the city first. Some people, someone locked in and I talked to her for a minute. And like it was probably the best like quote unquote headlining set that I've ever done. It's not, it was a brewery like an hour and a half outside of Worcester, which means it's almost three hours outside of Boston So it was it's it was a great area, but uh, it was it just was super cool for me to be able to do that You know your stretch from time to time is good for the soul But you know, like again, like I said, everybody wants to be a fucking headline

Oh, yeah, so you go for those 20 30 break now. You did 50. You know, you could do 50 You don't want to put yourself in a predicament doing photos Because you know, you're gonna go two for two Oh, yeah loves on first Friday late shows They're fucking hell and sadly late shows when you start not there And then you don't know how to control the early show because they're too conservative So it's a very fucking it's a very tricky that's why rather you learn that doing 20 and 25 because You don't know you're doing two for two And if you bomb the food show friday, you feel fucking terrible

Oh, i'm not I think honestly and you fucking go. What am I gonna do sat friday night late? and then you You know like I told you you see me ate a bag of dicks for four shows then the late show saturday. I went off I finally figured it out in cobs. You know, we've been there for all those experimentations. So get it out in cops, you know, we've been there for all those experimentations. So that's what's good about it, man. But it's fucking Passover. I hope these motherfuckers don't start no problems. I hope I don't have to go into the fallout shelter this week.

Oh, Jesus. They were talking about it on Sunday. You know, that fucking on World News tonight, I was watching the the fucking Dallas game and also that went into World News tonight. And was watching the The fucking Dallas game and also that went into World News tonight and that was the first story I only watched the first two stories and then I got anxiety young Sam. Why do I give a fuck about you know? No, you don't need that in your life But Austin was pretty neat. I figured out why listen The comedy scene down there it's a great scene to develop. It really is. And I forgot they do a couple of festivals down there every year. So it makes

everybody put you up somewhere. You know, it's like the Netflix special. They're doing a couple of shows in a church. They don't give a fuck. And it was pretty interesting to see the city has grown a lot of homeless, you know But I like what they do on 6th Street You know, I don't know wrong it is but they close it off And you can walk in the streets you could deal they have tacos they have all this shit you're watching bands you're watching, you know balcony watching balcony parties, and at least the city keeps you contained. If there's a problem in the city, 62% it'll be down there.

And there's so many cops on every block and cars and shit, they'll contain it. I like that. I couldn't believe how close it was from the mothership to the Sunset Strip, to the Moody Theater, to Anton's where they were doing the moon tower parties. I mean, it was really, I get it. I get it. You know, it's a great place if you wanna do comedy.

And you're not, if you're going down there to get into the mothership and think your life's going to change. That's not the attitude. That's not the attitude because then you're going to be it's there's so many young comics trying to get in there and I don't have to take that slide. So you back off, you wait for the fucking cloud and then you go in there when you have the right time time But there's just you know, that's it. They have a little ton of club clubs, which everybody speaks well of But you could tell that it's like anything else in LA everybody wants to comedy store People give their arm to be at the fucking comedy store, you know, and for some people it's a reality and for some people

Don't be you know, like Ari auditioned 18 times and Do you think it Austin would be a good place to go for like a newer comic or do you think you shouldn't you need? To be like like an LA in New York that you have to be kind of seasoned before you go to Austin. I Think it all depends on What you want to do and where you look at yourself as a comic If you were like me when I had three minutes, it's not the place for me to go I was not good to go down there. I

Would have got laughed out of that town in three weeks You should have 15 20 minutes. You should always be ready by the time you get to Austin You should have 15, 20 minutes. You should always be writing. By the time you get to Austin, you're not a professional comic yet because you're not making a living. What you are is up and rising. You're writing every day.

You've found yourself a job that'll put enough money on the table so you can survive and pay your bills in Austin. You got a chance to do, you know, if you want to do comedy, you know, those people, I really want to get down there, but I don't have to, my wife, listen, you don't want to do comedy, knock it off. But like me and 91 to 95, no wife, no responsibility, no kids, no nothing. What do you do? You got on stage every fucking night.

Two shows a night. Bah, bah, bah. And all of a sudden somebody will go, hey, come here every night and open up the 8 o'clock show. Whoa. A little step becomes a big step. I'm here opening up every night, doing 15 fucking minutes. Before the show gets started, before the night gets started, I got a set every night that pays me 25 bucks. That's 125 a week. Yeah

Already, I'm rocking and rolling now Next month. I'm gonna make a buck 35 a week somewhere and then you look at it money You can look at it from you know This is how funny I want to be or you can look at it in time. I want do that when I have my 30 minutes. I want to do that when I have my 45 minutes So it's pretty interesting. Those are the comics that go there and they're already working it like they're working it They're not making it's like seeing stanhope in 91 93

He had done the time he had done the evening at the improv Okay started when I first met him, he was featuring. The second time I saw him, he was headlining and I could tell that that was it. He was in the rotation. Was he ready to go to Hollywood? Not at all. He was headlining triple runs and he was on the rotation. Boom. What that means is he drinks he gets up he writes

He drinks coffee smoke cigarettes, and he gets on stage at eight and just destroys the audience and he does it every night Without hesitation lived in his car had a big hanger in the back where you would hang your clothes and slide it over He had committed to who he was. And for a guy like me, I was fucking inspiring. Yeah. We could live in a car. I'll fucking live in my car. If it means for me to make money and save on rent

and not have to pay for a hotel, I don't give a fuck. Damn that. I'll take the 55 bucks they give me for the hotel Stay in the car sleep outside the hotel and go in there at eight and take a shower and swim in the pool I'm gonna be a little that backs gonna hurt from sleeping in the car But this is what you need to do what do you want to snort coke or sleep? I'd rather snort coke and jerk off in the car and look out the fucking door You know, whatever. I mean it's but you're out there

Yeah, I would run that thing you're just writing performing meeting Crashing at people's houses, you know But to do that you can't be calling home every day and going hey, honey I'm in Iowa. It's working. So it. It must be rough.

I see. Like people living in their car and doing all that shit. I love I really do love comedy. Living in my car is that I don't know. I'm like Could you have done that at 35? I? Did it at 35 Wow fuck remember I got into comedy at 28 by 95. I was 32 in 98 99 LA what was I 37 and I was sleeping in my car

outside Josh Wolf's apartment. But I was at the store. I was at the store. I had a place to take two hours a day. I could take a shower at the comedy store at nine and take a shower at Josh's at six or Ralphie May's. We had a community. Just because you had an apartment didn't mean you were rocking

and rolling. You needed something and I could help you and you could help me. And when I look at that point in my comedy career, I talked about it in the book how, dog, we had a big support and it was funny. They knew I took buses to gigs and they would make fun of me. You know, what time is your book? You know, I mean it was But everybody helped somebody give me a ride to the bus That's you know, right and hey Not all of them, but it seems like they're most of your good friends from today come from that time in comedy Well, you know Josh wolf

Ralphie may rest in peace, you know, Doug Stanhope was a big inspiration to me then we lived in a four-block radius You couldn't you know I'm saying so when you were walking you were dropping in people I would drop it No, I would drop in fucking Ralphies bother him for an hour Smoke his weed then go over to Josh Wolf try to steal a turkey burger from You know, and then there was somebody on the other blight forget who the fuck that was Well, Mitch Hedberg was there, but I only played tennis with Mitch down at Gorky Park I never really hung out with Mitch and Nick DePaulo. They lived in that building across from where Ralphie Was it? No, the other one Sierra, Bonita Really hung out with Mitch and Nick DePaulo. They lived in that building across from where Ralphie Was it no the other one Sierra Bonita?

But it was a community people weren't laughing at you because you lived in your car. They kind of looked at you and said What the fuck was up with this guy? And do you see that happening in Austin now not people living in their cars But like the law of the comments that're in that car Brian Simpson was living in his car. He just has a Netflix special on Netflix Hans Kim was living in his car when they went down there and not in the fucking Range Rover or testarosa They were living in a fucking, you know tempo that their grandmother gave him, you know, they just guys, it's it's it's just the weirdest thing where you put everything, everything else behind you.

People will never know that feeling. It's a feeling that, it's a lonely feeling, but at the same time, you become invincible for having that power to do that. Like, I don't give a fuck about society. At the same time, you become invincible for having that power to do that. Like I don't give a fuck about society. It's got nothing to do with what I'm doing. I do not have a wife.

I do not have a child. My mother's dead. My father's in a nursing home with dementia. He don't even know who I am. Every time he sees me, he calls me. Yeah No, so what do you do? You tell me you want to be a comic yes, right I can't wait, you know, okay. Well, this is your opportunity Yeah, but my friends I'm gonna miss them Your friends will understand that you're going for your dream. Don't come back here 10 years a

Loser and then tell your friends what happened if you do that commitment. You're not gonna come back here and lose it You're gonna come back here a fucking winner You know when you have the ability to give everything I mean I was at the point I gave my health up My health right I didn't give a fuck about my health I Didn't give a fuck about lifting weights. All I gave a fuck was about Moving from the 1 o'clock spot to the 1230 spot at the store and what I needed to do I had no agents. Nobody wanted to rep me Montreal all those people didn't want to talk to me wanted to rep me Montreal all those people didn't want to talk to me so I had one job to do and that was to move from 1 a.m. to 1230 at the store and

then from 1230 to follow the 12 o'clock spot at 1215 which is Paul Mooney and then now on a Friday she puts you up at 1045 don't get too excited it's not gonna be forever but follow me those are the little successes that you have to look at and it's your mindset You know it really the mindset that you have just because people aren't knocking on your door doesn't mean You fail it It means that you need to fucking turn up the heat. You want people to knock on your door turn up the fucking heat It's all in your mind you know real quick let me take a breather speaking of your mind i want to talk to you about better help we'll

be back in 30 60 seconds i don't know take your time all right you savages this episode is brought to you by better help listen the summer's coming if you're pouring everything you got into work and exhausted by the afternoon It's time to make a change trust me when I'm telling you I don't make a change better helps online therapy is Incredible get match with one of their licensed therapists and learn what you like to do What and who makes you happy and how to set boundaries so you can live your best life listen? That's what they did with me. I was just telling Lee I had some problems I need to know, you know, I didn't like the anxiety. I don't like waking up in the middle night thinking about stuff She coached me. She spoke to me

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Today right now to get 10% off your first month. That's better help h e l p dot com To get 10% off your first month. That's better help Help.com Slash diaz. Listen, this episode is brought to you by by better help. They did miracles with me So give online therapy a try at better help.com Slash diaz and get on your way to being the best version of yourself Trust me here. I am four years later. I'm flying through the air like Joey, whatever. Anyway, back to the show. Stay black. I love you. We're back bitches. If you're having problems, go on the better help. They'll help you out.

I had problems with that movie. Better help help me out. And they gave me sweet exercises to work with. And guys, here we are. But it is what it is. But yeah, listen, commitment and anything. It makes me sick when somebody tells me they wanna do something and four weeks later you bump into them and they got a fucking sob story. It makes you fucking sick to your stomach. And eventually it makes people

sick to their stomach to the point where they won't go up or they'll move with you know what I'm saying? It's kind of fucking weird the balance you have to have. So whatever, whether you're an artist, whether you're a fucking you know, a contractor, and you want to be in like customizing cabinets and all that shit You don't get good customizing cabinets by reading about No Watching shows you get good by installing them fucking them up Costing yourself money, you know putting a hole in the wall because you didn't measure it, right?

Painting at the wrong color. After three or four years of that, you either going to quit or you elevate. You become this fucking, you know, you know, when I, I remember when I was roofing in 1991, my brother-in-law's were fucking geniuses. They had been roofing since they were kids and now they were in their thirties. And I would go on the roof with them and see what they did like the pipes and shit and my heart would stop like a Fuck how good are these guys or what they did? They didn't get that good by taking classes They got that good by being on a roof every fucking day for ten years And it's I was talking I had some work done at my place and I was talking to this old, uh

Wood guy i'm i'm carpenter and he was talking about at the beginning When like he was starting and they had him clean up and and and do like hard stuff like that for like a couple of years and they would And he was talking to his owner years later about like what he looks for in someone who likes like know that you're ready to do some, even if you feel like you're ready. He said, like the people who were too eager to like, let me show you what I can do.

It took them. It took them longer to go in. He said the people who would like ask him questions and like, weren't always like the most certain right away Moved along a little faster It's really weird out works man, it's like I see it you did to The guys that come in and fucking gung-ho when they were at every class and all of a sudden you don't see him anymore What happened they broke their fucking clavicle? And wrestle these fucking gorillas and they weren't ready and then do they come back

Right, but then you got it comes in twice a week and no a very unassuming non athletic Non athletic never fucking lifted away. They only played ping-pong That's it non-athletic and he comes in there and that's why jiu-jitsu's for nerds That's why jiu-jitsu will always throw you off because I see muscle guys for years and all sudden There's this guy takes his glasses off. He's got computer fingers, you know, he still has his pen area and his fucking shirt This guy's joking motherfuckers, he's technical the other guys using the strength Who's gonna last longer the guy that's technical?

The guy that has a camera, you know, and how do you get technical by fucking showing up, you know But you know a lot of shit's been happening in the news anything stick out for you Oh, dude, I saw something and I don't know I saw this thing from new mexico where there's they arrested this guy and the cop was on horseback and he was trying to get the guy to stop this guy had just Stole like a couple hundred bucks with the stuff from walgreens And the cop was going at him like did you ever get stopped by like a cop hundred bucks with the stuff from Walgreens and the cop was going at him Like did you ever get stopped by like a cop on a bike like this guy wouldn't stop like five minutes a

Cop on a bike or a horse horse. Well, yeah, the guy in New Mexico is on a horse You get stopped by a guy on a horse It's like Just shoot yourself right there. Ask them to give you your gun. Give me the gun. I just got a fucking horse. I think the best story of the week was the guy

that left Florida, drove to New York and lit himself on fire in front of the Trump trial. That is brilliant that you get in the car and go, you know what, I'm driving 18 hours to go light myself on fire Yeah, this is gonna be perfect guy took no edibles. He didn't take anything even leave a note to Ali Asbar He didn't leave a note to fucking nobody. He just went up in front of the courthouse and lit himself on fire He just died two days ago rest in peace. I feel bad for him, but not really He just died two days ago. Rest in peace. I feel bad for him, but not really

You have to say not really you're gonna fucking drive 18 hours to light yourself on fire you goofy fuck What were you thinking? You know what? I'm gonna tame it down a little bit Maybe I'll just light a fire instead of turning Maybe I'll just get some newspapers and throw some gas on it and light them on fire and throw a yarmulke in there So blame it on some crazy Jew guy and run away not this fucking guy. He went there and lit himself on fire and I'm like There's mental health should he had contacted better help see Listen to the podcast if you were to contact the better help he wouldn't had these fucking problems, but now you know he just Didn't get advice to anybody you call better help you go listen. I'm thinking I'm driving up to New York City

Whatever how home flood I live in to light myself on fire. They'll really help you. That's a better help Fucking shides, you know I'm saying It's crazy when you drive I forget how but I think was to floor like a tour from Florida this like astronaut Drove she like wore a diaper and then she went to go kill like her ex-husbands Or maybe she kidnapped somebody this was like from 10 or 20 years ago. Do you remember this? It's like it was an astronaut Like a lady drove for like 20 hours Not really last afternoon. I remember blew up in the fucking rocket ship thinking she was gonna go to the moon in 86 That was from here they had they have a thing there Andy can you look that up? I'm almost positive that like she drove

Like 20 like she wore a diet. She didn't want to stop once She stopped for gas It was fucking crazy a die go. I can't yeah, you know what that she's thinking with a clear head. I can't be mad That's what I should do when I go up north put a diaper on so not to stop every five minutes and piss in the bottle Make believe I got a flat and put the hazards on them over that pissing fucking hiding from satellites out there where they killed that guy from the godfather in the swamps I passed that place all the time and I got a pee and I'm like Jesus Christ Jesus you mad Do you ever do anything to like the gas stations that don't let you pee?

I hate when they don't let you go into the bathroom. I don't ask him. Why would you ask? You go pee? I'll go to the back and make believe I'm on the phone take my dick out pop it right there close the door So the P don't go the P particles don't go into the car. I'll sit real close now I'll sit on the fucking thing and put my dick crooked and pee and then avoid my foot make like a sweeping And I get back in the car, I don't ask no listen if I don't have to walk into a gas station I won't I just make sure I'm not 500 feet from a school because next thing I got a little post off and fill out paperwork because I was

Yeah I'm gonna be taking a pee one day and Cops gonna pull up and also I got a register as a fucking sex offender Because my dick was out, you know In the back of a fucking supermarket the funniest thing happened the other day on a flight The guy next to me was the biggest blackest dude. I ever saw it was just me and him Okay, he's sitting next to me and we both passed out on the flight back from Austin. I Fucking didn't sleep that night. So I just passed out on the plane

And I woke up And about ten minutes later, he wakes up. I'm sitting there like fucking and wipe that And he goes can I go to the bathroom? I go fuck I gotta get up and I had been sitting since the plane took off. So I was tight, you know get up and I had been sitting since the plane took off. So I was tight, you know, he comes back. I go pee. I come back. I sit down, Austin, a little stewarded guy comes over and he's like, you guys hungry? And he goes, yeah, what do you got?

And the guy goes, we got waffles left. They might be a little soggy. He goes, what do they got on the waffles? And he goes, raspberry and a little bit of marshmallow. He goes, I don't do marshmallows. So I asked him, I go, you don't do marshmallows. What's the problem? And he goes, they got pork in them.

Oh shit. I didn't know that. Yeah. You can't eat Jell-O either. They have that silicone, that big lining, whatever. I don't know. I read about it like 20 years ago. I forgot all about it. when I was in camp, George West. A lot of guys couldn't eat that either. And I would go, why not? And they go, well, Muslim.

But it was pretty interesting. I forgot. And then we were like, well, that's like the quickest you've made a friend in years. Just a guy saying, I don't do marshmallows. Don't do my love to immediately right away. That's like, oh shit. And I'm right when she left, I go, what's the marshmallow? I'm like, I don't do marshmallows. Don't do must have loved him immediately right away. That's like oh shit And I'm right when she left I go

marshmallows I Was gonna ask you that did you like have you ever on the road like has like a chef ever like Done anything cool. Like I've given me like cool food stories from being on the road You know man The reason why comics like the road especially in the beginning like I wasn't you know, it's like I was talking to you about Staying local stay local run your local first. You don't want to be a man without a fucking flag It's it's nothing. Eventually you're gonna have to do this. So do it now Stay low run your local first. You don't want to be a man without a fucking flag It's it's nothing eventually you're gonna have to do this. So do it now

Right, but I was doing triple runs and it's not like you're going to austin or you're going to dallas You're going to towns where? Yeah, one movie theater In fact, and when you're there you're a fucking celebrity Like there's 200 people at the show and you don't have a credit Right because they come every week. Yeah, they come every week, you know so The people I met on the road like those That first year it was amazing

It was really amazing like the people you bump into and they're like, hey, what are you gonna do tonight? You know, was I telling you about driving 14 hours to do a showcase? I didn't have enough money. And my friend had to lend me a car from National Rent-A-Car and give it to him. I was at the time I was working for National Car Washer.

My other buddy lent me 200 bucks. And I I was going down in the sleep in my car I Left like a Thursday night and I got down there like a fucking Friday afternoon tired Excuse me, I slept like six hours in the car and I get to the show that night I got to take a little Puerto Rican shower in the sink in the back you know and moose in my hair and I went up then I did okay And then the second show I did okay

And I started talking to one of the guys because you sound like my uncle from New York City and we started talking And at the end of night, they're like, what are you gonna do? And you're like, I don't know you try not to tell them that you don't have a place to stay, you know, right? I don't know. You know, they're like, I might go get a hotel. They're like, no, no, no, no, no, we got a basement. Come on over comics. Come over all the time and sleep. You smoke pot and tomorrow we'll go fishing and then tomorrow night we'll come do the show. And you're like. What the fuck? The first couple the fuck times that happen you do sleep with one eye open You know, what fuck is this? But then you're like, okay, this is the road and something good always happens. No matter what happens. That's bad

Something good will always happen. You could hit a deer and ruin your car. But on the way back, the tow truck driver's got a house and his mom is cooking. And you're like, Wow, wow, you know, this guy doesn't know me from Adam. You think that still happens now? Yes. Yes. People are good. People in those small towns are very good, like judges of character.

You know, they're all Christian or whatever. And I still remember having no dough and being all the way by the Canadian border. And we used to get checks and mail in those days. It was all out of your pocket. You picked up a little bit of money for gas here. And I remember like this family came to the show and they really and I was with my friend, Jody, and they go, no,

check out of the hotel at one. We'll talk. We knew the whole people. They knew the people at the hotel. Check out at three and come over. We're're gonna cook that fish Palak hollock, whatever they And they did and here's me and Jodie At these people's fucking family celebration eating fucking baddick whatever the fuck that fish is and You know, and then the guy goes do you you you you know we need a place to stay and he goes

I'll call the hotel. They'll give you a room for 20 bucks a night and We say that Tuesday Here we were thinking fuck. We're gonna have to sleep in the same room be uncomfortable with a girl 20 hours a night was 40 hours out of our pocket. We stayed that though Tuesday and got out of that Tuesday you know, you just It's really good like that. It really teaches you about humanity and this happens in boston If you go to boston i'm headlining and i'm from boston and All of a sudden you're like i'm good friends with josh wolf. I'm all fuck. All right. Where are you staying tonight?

You're like, I don't know Come over. Come on. My wife's there. I got a basement stay downstairs You can watch tv. We'll smoke dope and you're like I just saved $100 When you're only making $100, yeah, you only make like right now Features are not getting a hotel room. No Why are we you know? That means you lose a thousand dollars to go out there and prove your point and not get anything in return I'd rather you you know and listen you need to go out in front of real audiences from time to time to see what you got right to really make adjustments in your game, but

If you're not, you know, there's a level that you're just killing yourself to live because you're just making enemies You're going around the country just bombing and they don't you know, they don't know what? At least I was keeping my bombs in the Midwest Got it. Okay. I was keeping my bombs in Nebraska and You know fucking When I bomb a lot there was one state where I just did Not Iowa the other one Idaho Michigan no, I know I just got arrested

We did well there huh you did well, but you got arrested Yeah, there was once the bread wasn't yeah It was Nebraska. Okay Lala I went through because I used to work for this company that that's what they booked and they co-ed line me I did like three shows and they got all bad reports. I was like oh and three Fuck and then they fire you no, I never fired me do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that.

I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that.

I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that.

I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not, that's not really good for the ego right there that a puppet act that's not even a good puppet. It's not like Otto and George was the fucking puppet act. This guy was like a terrible puppet act. You could see his lips move and shit. He had a wig, you know, everything you didn't need is a comic this motherfucker showed up with. I mean, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna like a terrible puppet act. You could see his lips move and shit. He had a wig, you know, everything you didn't need is a comic

this motherfucker showed up with. And he's telling you that you weren't good? No, he made me a co-headliner. He owned the company. He did with a guy named Tribble. Dave Tribble controlled the zone. And then this guy had like the real Midwest, Iowa, Nebraska, South Dakota, you know, he had

that and he gave me like he was but he was his real thing was Nebraska. Minnesota, he had the law soda because the lady who had Minnesota then liked me so I couldn't do Minnesota. She gave me like Marquette College. I was just talking I forget what this woman was. She was a good lady. A daughter was her assistant and she used to book the club in Milwaukee And the people who ran the club now are the owners of the Comedy Cabana in Myrtle Beach Okay, okay When they opened that club, I was there for the fourth of July for black bike a week Myrtle Beach When they opened that club I was there for the fourth of July for black bike a week

Black biker No, it was okay. I mean it wasn't like the there was brothers at the comedy show They don't know their asses on a bike with the sisters with the tongues on on the bike But it was great and then I became friends with them. I kept going back. I went down there about eight or nine times And like looking back at it. Do you think that the booker who booked you as a co-headliner? Should you've said let me feature I? Didn't really know, Lee. At the time, it was 1994, and I was doing well. I didn't have a lot of time.

I had maybe 35. And maybe 20 of it was solid. I'm not going to lie to you. And he told me, just do what you can. But I was also doing shows that weren't called headliners. Like when I got there, they weren't there to inspire you, whatever. I was very low key, so I would go up first. Okay.

You know, because I was throwing 50-50. I didn't know what I would do up there. I didn't know if I was going to talk to the audience. You know, it was so unorganized back then for me but I was organized to the best of my abilities but because I like the riff it wasn't working and by coming to New York I started talking to the audience which is the worst fucking habit you could pick up because once you start going to the really good markets You can't do that shit Right, you can't talk especially in like the middle of nowhere

But like what I was saying is like looking like now if you were if I let's say I got offered that Should I just tell them no mate? Let me feature Instead of go ahead. No, no, it's Nebraska. It's the Midwest Ain't nobody even gonna remember you do s when you leave there whether you do good a bomb So that's how I looked at it. I think I was like wow Yeah, it's Nebraska. Nobody's gonna see me. It's not like I'm not saying nothing bad about Nebraska I'm just saying no, he's gonna see me Nebraska That's why I always really loved the triple concept

That's why I always really loved the triple concept Because it really battle tested you like I go come from New York City and I was in fucking Idaho and Montana and you know all these places that I'm like, I'm not gonna do well No, you never had Is that like I'm so jealous of Runs. I would love to do something like that. And like, I usually find if it's in the middle of nowhere, like the shows are better. Like those audiences are better to me. But you'll do, you'll get there

and you're in the middle of this dream. You're a fifth year comic, you're featuring. And all of a sudden you look at the schedule and you are in Iowa, but you're doing a bowling alley After his choir goes up on a thursday night And you get to that bowling alley and there's no green room There ain't no pretty girls You know

It's a chick with an eyepatch that's serving you Same thing that gives you the shoes when you get in there. She's making sandwiches and she's making cocktails. I remember doing the longest yard dog. Here I'm like, fuck, I just came out of movie with Adam Sandler. I didn't look at the schedule. At that time I had a small time booker who said,

let's do a trial run of like six weeks and we'll reevaluate. Well, after the six weeks I never heard from the guy again, right? I never did Now you're never call you back Six six shows the last thing I heard from a booker was a year later when he put me in collection for $200 And I had a fucking send the paperwork that I paid him and then I went away. He took it off the judgment. I never heard from that guy again. I never

owed him 200 bucks. He just never got it or some shit. But it was really insane. He put me on like this six weeker. But after the longest yard came out. Atlanta, Chicago, Texas. I was going to Beaumont because I really liked Beaumont and Slave Ham was down there who just released a special. I don't know where else I went. They weren't big markets. What venues were you're playing? Well, I never forget that right after the longest shot. I went to the week the longest yard came out. I went to Houston And I watched the movie with the Houston Texans That Thursday early screening and then Friday. We all went to the movies in the morning and then

The movie came out and it was great and then like two weeks later I went to Chicago but I didn't look at the schedule was Chicago mixed in with Iowa and That's where the bowling alley was And I'm like, I just had a fucking little down sound and I'm gonna fucking bowling alley Fuck no green room People are coming up to me two at a time. How's that in family, man? Is he really cool?

Do you have his number? You know, just like, and you're like, oh. Were you at least headlining? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was headlining. That's part, and then I remember going to Atlanta. I'll never forget going to Atlanta, and when I got there, like it was three weeks after the movie came out, there was maybe 200 people there and maybe sat 300.

And I remember walking in and people coming up to me, you were great, you were great. I got up, I got on stage, I did good for about 10 minutes. I don't know what I was talking about. I went dirty and I lost them. And after the show. At the 10 minute mark? Huh?

Yeah. At the 10 minute mark you lost them. Yeah, and those same people coming up to me in the beginning were like, when I walked at the end of the show, I go, hey! And they go like, ugh, go away. I was like, OK. It was a tour from death, 14 years into comedy, 15 years, 14 years.

And I really wasn't ready to headline. I was not a headliner. Even though I had the material, even though I was a regular at the store, all that shit didn't matter. Because you could have the material but there's just something when the switch goes off that you're a headliner and I didn't become a headliner to After I met you let's be honest

The first couple trips I did I remember going to Columbus. I didn't do too good in Columbus dog No Columbus for like a year and a half, but I didn't know why I'm the back of my mind that didn't do too good in Columbus, dog. No. Columbus for like a year and a half. I didn't know why. And I'm in the back of my mind. I didn't do good. I did five shows. They were like, I sold out three of the five, but ugh. And I did that one year where I just went to see Headliners on Thursday.

And I still think about Geraldo and Ralphie. They were the best two I saw that year from the back of the room. Nobody knew I was there. I was like, those are headliners. They have a pace, they know where they're going. At that time, I was very clunky when the checks were dropped. Done. I haven't even dealt with that yet. Done. Done. If you think showing your dick on stage and seeing people's reaction

Wait till they get the check and then you're up there fucking throw and heat now like $86 for chicken strips, you know That's another year and then you go to people and you go, what the fuck I'm bombing after they dropped their checks. That's a complete different education that you're throwing heat for 45 minutes and also some lady comes and drops check. And it's Friday night. These people been giggling and also they get the tab. If there's 50 people, there's 100 people audience, 50 people are people gonna go, okay, we got the money But the other 50 people man much or other sticks 895

They weren't even done and also in the argument start who circling items and now you got to get them And it's like a mix of you got like 50 people giggling at once and the other hundred are like arguing about the check I didn't drink the champagne. He ate the wings put it on his tab, you know You don't know how to handle that shit No, you can establish you could tell the place to drop the checks after you get off But that's a pain. Yes, because now they got to stop everybody and make sure everybody paid At the end of the show. So that means if you have a 10 o'clock show, that's gonna stop me even more It's gonna have to go 1030 because it takes all those people to check their tabs. You got to give them a receipt to get out

Right. No, I haven't it is nicer on the show though when they do that So what do you got this week Tarzan? You don't do comedy during Passover. You're like, it's no Jews what's the story? I have three shows this week on Wednesday. I'm at off the rails and Worcester on Friday I'm at the comedy scene in Foxboro and on Saturday. I'm in Dennis I'm on Cape Cod on Saturday. On TikTok. Cape Cod. Cape Cod. At the Pelham House Resort, yeah.

What are you doing up there? They have a boat up there, right? And they might. You know what, I had an interesting, I just, this is a group that runs some clubs up here and they do shows throughout the area. And they offered me this show. I can't wait

The comedy scenes called the comedy scenes where they have where the Patriots play Okay now club up there You pass over runs From yesterday to next Monday. Yeah, okay, and then you know, oh yeah, it's over this week and what it means to you and you know the bad food and Grandma Finn and a fucking do you got any money on Passover? anybody for your 12 bill They kind of do not really but there's a thing with the matzah

Where like you you hide it and then the person who gets it usually get some money There's there's always some money part to the holiday, but it's called the offie common You know, what's crazy that that Masi you don't even really want to find that you like? Oh, no, you want to find that one cuz that one makes money Not long kinda they pass That's the problem like All the time on Passover that it sucks and every all my non-jewish friends always pretend They like matzah and for everyone who hasn't had it and makes a saltine taste like a flavorful Matzah's disgusting

You don't see me putting Swiss cheese on matches with some deluxe ham from boys had fucked that That's what you have to do. That's I'll tell you what that that Just bring some ham and cheese. I would Put some ham and cheese make a little fucking monster a Little masa cordon blue sandwich or some crackers. Nobody knows nothing Yes, they do

You can't mix cheese and meat at all and then the ham is like you can't Said that you can't mix cheese and that Literally almost every do you if you don't let's say you have the Swiss on the right hand and this You know if you don't let's say you have the Swiss on the right hand and this Am on the left hand then you beat the fuck and you found the loophole No, there's no ham at all. No ham. No bacon. No shrimp for good juice Listen bacon and shrimp. I see but a little ham ain't gonna kill you on fucking mess up this little piece. You know saying You just love to see you argue with that with the remind

Make them spin it nice to slice nice and thin so it just falls on the masa You throw a little fucking cheese on that bitch. Yowza. Yowza. Yowza. I Would love to see someone have a ham sandwich on Passover. I would show up at your house with a ham sandwich That's the name of your first album showing up and pass over the ham sandwich. You know what I'm saying? Oh Yeah, that would you would get beat up that's like oh my god, that's like almost a hate crime in Judaism Really? No, I will you can't eat pork. I know that I'll show up with some Chinese spare ribs and thwart them. That's a loophole to those Jews They they mean like pork cutlets and you know, like white meat pork. They didn't say nothing about the fucking

No, they don't do they have they have kosher Chinese restaurants, I'll take you next time they've No pork. No shrimp. How do you think it is? Listen, listen Why are we hypocrites here? Why are the Jews being hypocrites right now? If I showed up at Passover at a Jew house, one of those motherfuckers will break. Oh my God. All right.

All right. Holy shit. Yeah, it's the worst. I can't stand it worst I can't stand it I can't stay and You I love huh? It would how upset would you be if we went to a kosher? They have a kosher pizza place to like was like beef pepperoni But meatless pepperoni Yeah, and beef I think maybe do it actually if it's really kosher. They probably don't have any real meat toppings Listen, all that stuff is great. I believe in the kosher rules and stuff like that. But listen

I could I could fuck it's like I could talk a guy to suck in my dick with an eight ball three in the morning Yeah, the jew in the fucking nice spare rib from freddy's on passo. That's easy. That's easy That's there's That's exactly. There's got to be a loophole. The Jews aren't really been a little the sauce. There's something you could you could just show up and go guys, I looked in the fucking Quran, whatever. Israel I bought some fucking Jews eating Chinese ribs on fucking

Passover. If it's good enough for them. It's good enough for me They were eating fucking ribs doing crab my god the part. You know I'm saying I Wonder how I wonder what one would take you longer you think which won't be easier do eating pork or a cook getting a blowjob with an eight ball They're both about the same. I mean, you know, now the 60 year old man, but no, I know that. And you also don't want to guide us. Oh, yeah. I will look at those guys and go, if I hadn't made boy,

I could talk to the second my dickies. You know, it's cool. Everybody does it. I didn't know. I love you, buddy. I love you too, man. Happy Passover to all the Jews in the struggle. You know I love you. Listen, if you're Jewish, take a chance fucking tiny spare ribs. I found the loophole

Section 8 page 352 Holy shit, they're gonna get some people kicked out of the will Nah I'm not gonna find the matzah. I'm not gonna find the matzah. I'm not gonna find the matzah I'm not gonna find the matzah I'm not gonna find the matzah I'm not gonna find the matzah the loophole section eight page 352 Holy shit, they're gonna get some people kicked out of the will Yeah Dog and then you know what else it'll spread. You just got to introduce it to the Jews and tell them listen

It's a different Jew out there You know, it's a different you the world's were different now, especially you Anyway, I'm high. I don't even know what I'm talking about. No more Thank you for doing a happy Passover and we'll see you savages next week and now for a word my motherfucking sponsor The check-in is brought to you by, oh my god, Manscape. Listen up guys, you don't have to have kids, but you do have to take care of your little boys between the belt, okay? Luckily, Manscape has what you need. They're ready to take your nuts from the unruly to nice and fucking smooth with the low mower

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