Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Comedy, Sex, and drugs with Aaron Berg

Episode Date: April 1, 2025

From being a stripper in his 20's to filming a special while doing 26 spots in one night, comedian Aaron Berg has led an interesting life. He and Joey Diaz compare strip club stories, talk doing acid in San Francisco on Joey's Honeymoon, and much more! Support the show & try your first month of BlueChew for free, just pay $5 for shipping. Press in code JOEY at https://www.bluechew.com If you’re 21+, try VIIA during their annual SPRING 420 SALE for Black Friday-level savings up to 35% OFF site wide with code JOEY at https://viia.co/JOEY

What's happening you savages? What's going on doctor? I had a great week dude. I know mom was in town. Mom was in town. You went to a play, you tap dance. It was great. I you know, it was the play was a lot of fun. But just like, you know, I don't know every every couple of weeks I just realized i'm in new york and I just like had a good I had a good stand-up week. I did the dojo. I did A broadway comedy club. I just had a good week. No complaints Every other you know every week something shitty happens at some point, but last week was a good one.

Bro, you get good weeks in life, and you get bad weeks in life. But when you got three good weeks in a row, then you have like, you get a flat tire on the parkway at four in the afternoon. That's fucking humiliating. That makes everything good, you still wanna shoot yourself.

Oh yeah. Whenever you got a flat tire somewhere, it's a fucking, watch, I'm gonna get a flat tire tonight for talking this fucking nonsense i got one in new jersey right before i moved here an homage dude had metal shit fall out of his truck and he went sorry and then he just left and then new jersey has weird corrupt rules where you can't have a tow truck come to you it has to be New Jersey has to send a tow truck to you And it like luckily was okay, but they tried to overcharge me, too They told me one number on the phone one number in person

So yeah the dude that and getting your car broken into I don't if you remember but right when we left LA Someone broke into my car at my apartment complex that that will piss you off. Oh, yeah It was just in my garage and I came down and my podcast bag was just gone it was just a window is broken and they stole a backpack and it's just like stuff like that happened just like you're not even upset almost you're just like ready to kill yourself I don't know it's just the worst but when I was living in the I was living in Hollywood Hollywood with my wife We had the one-bedroom shit apartment nine fucking cats

But we had a garage. Did you ever even go? No, no, I was away. I met you in the valley Yeah before I met you. I mean her and I couldn't make seven dollars a month rent this apartment was this apartment building was rent controlled and it was old, the bricks would move. One time there was an earthquake and those bricks were going up against each other. They evacuated us and somebody paid, like don't worry the building's going down in three years anyway. It's next to the gay and lesbian center. The YMCA or something right there?

Yeah, the YMCA right there in that corner. And what the fuck are we talking about? I already forget. I'm assuming someone breaking in or. And one night everybody fell asleep. I was sitting there, I'm bored to death. I had the monkey on my back. I was fighting it all night.

And I'm like fuck it, I'm gonna go get a package at like two in the morning. And when I went out to the car, I went and I picked up the package, but when I came back, there was a girl downstairs, I think she was a half a hooker, her and her sister were half a hookers. The one was like mediocre, but the one was killing it, killing it.

And she had a boyfriend, and then one day the boyfriend came up and he goes, I don't know if you remember me. I go, no, I don't. He goes, I'm the guy that jumped off the roof at El Compadre one night. And I lived, I broke my both nebulas, whatever, I don't. He goes, I'm the guy that jumped off the roof at El Compadre one night. And I lived, I broke my both nebulas, whatever the fuck you like. There's the shit I dealt with in Hollywood.

But when I came back that night, I was already blasted a little bit. And I remember going upstairs and I never closed the car. We had a fucking Xeon, what do you call it? Neon. We had a fucking whatever Neon. It was a de whatever Neon. Dodge Neon. It was a deathtrap.

Didn't have brakes, the fucking windshield wipers. And you know, for a long time, I had change in the fucking ashtray. That fucking was a lot of money in there. It was like $22. To me in those days, that was a lot of money. That's like an emergency Chinese lunch. That's a thousand things in those days in my world.

That was your savings account back then? That's my little pen bro. It was like holding on. Like the ashtray was starting to bend. It was all quarters and shit. And I had CDs in there. And the next day I came out and they stole the whole fucking ashtray.

And it did kill me. I forgot all about the feeling of the pain that you have. You know what I'm saying? And you can't even, for that, I at least got some money for the stuff they stole because I had receipts, stuff like that. I got new podcast equipment. It was just annoying.

You can't call the cops over $20.25 or did you? No! The way I looked at it is, hey, how many times did I rob people for quarters? You know? I used to work in 1993 when I lived in George. I used to work at the Jeep store on 12th Avenue in New York City.

11th Avenue, whatever the fuck that Jeep store is. You know how many times I showed up there at eight in the morning with not a dime in my pocket? And I would go right to service and start going, I sold this guy a car. Maybe I left my wallet in there and I take everything in the glove compartment Including the fucking tokens to get over the Lincoln tunnel and remember those little tokens with the why because you can sell those things I would fucking take like tons of those tokens and just walk around New York. You want to buy some tokens?

Yeah, how many you got give me ten for fucking eight dollars eight dollars to me in those days in Yeah, how many you got? Give me ten for fucking eight dollars. Eight dollars to me in those days in 1983, eight dollars was a lot of fucking money. That's a nickel bag and a train ride to Harlem. I still got to walk the bridge, but fuck it. It's worth it. I'm getting exercise. I'm smelling some good fucking air. Maybe. I don't know. When you walk over the bridge man, it's fucking beautiful. I've never done it. Oh, you walk over George Washington Bridge and it's nothing. It's really nothing. I don't know how far it is.

Break it down George. How far is the walk? A mile and a half? A mile and a half. Yeah. But most people do it for health. You're doing it because you were broke? Well, fuck it.

That's a different you got it Listen, you got to win a little like I would steal from shop, right? Okay, we go to shop, right again. My mentor taught me this trick. I would go to shop. What is it? My door no, I used to steal the scream for No, no, the big money was the shit that women put in their monkeys when they had a yeast infection No, no, the big money was the shit that women put in their monkeys when they got a yeast infection. That was that preparations for hemorrhoids, please. I know them. I know preparation aids personally. You're like a street pharmacist. You're like, no, not the preparation aids. The hot stuff in those days, which he fucking forgets, was the yeast infection medicine and

Tylenol. Tylenol extra strength. And Safeway was on the other end of the Fort Lee Bridge right there It was right there and they had the best lobster bisque in the business And I would walk in there with a suitcase like a like a businessman suitcase And I'd walk in there and they would have these poor bastards would have the yeast medicine But up on top they have the backup. I Wouldn't even fuck with this. I'd just take a case and put it in the bag and walk out of there.

There was no security. I got there before security. Security would get there like at eight, eight-o-five, they gotta drink coffee, they gotta put that costume on. I was already on my walk over the bridge to see Pepe at the bodega on 181, like down. That's where you took me. And that and that was like dog when I was selling cars and doing comedy in the beginning that was my morning money. I just have this image did it have

like a like the metal clicks at the end where you click and then they're like and it's like two little like has little codes on it for your little the briefcase like that you were putting them in? No, no, no, this is one Jimmy Schubert gave me this. Okay. Somebody gave me this. I don't know who the fuck gave it to me. Jesus. Then Jimmy Schubert gave me one when I first got to LA and I had that one for years, but I didn't even know Jimmy Schubert. How many days a week would you do this?

Whatever was needed. If I woke, listen, some nights you picked up 60 bucks, you stopped on 181st Street, you picked up a fucking G-Bow or two, you walked home, you fucked, whatever. And then you wake up in the morning, you got two dollars. At least that's a bus ride. In those days, that got me into the city. Once we're in the city, we'll burn that bridge when we get there.

You know what I'm saying? Abalibili makunfili. You don't know who's going to leave a purse on the bus. You don't know nothing. You're going in there with open eyes, ready to stab a motherfucker. Jesus. This is when you're a hunter. This is when you just become a hunter. You want to be a comic. You don't want to be part of society, correct?

When you become a comedian, you don't really want to be part of society. You want to be a renegade. Yeah. Okay? You want to party at night and get your dick sucked and party with people and, you know, whatever the fuck it is. Your alcoholism leads you to be a comic who the fuck knows for me it was all those things what are we talking about here about why you were stealing every day why you were stealing so to sacrifice that love and not having a full-time fucking job i can't sing a dance right it's it's interesting because i never wanted a day job. I thought my days were too valuable. That was 90% of the decision for me.

You see that or work at White Rose Warehouse in Seacock, it's fucking loading lobster tails all night. Yeah, but- I've never wanted to work days. Never, never. I don't think a lot of people want to work days, but most people don't go to- But they don't have a choice, they never made that decision.

They're like, no, I want to make me happy. For anything. I gotta make me fucking happy, okay? I like my day times. I like going home when nobody else is home. Yeah. You go home, nobody else is home. You get home at six, 30, you smoke a number,

you make three eggs with fucking a steak, you watch The View, you smoke a number, you make three eggs with fucking a steak, you watch the view, you bang one out and you go to bed at ten, you get up at five, mom's there, whatever the fuck. You know, working nights is pimp work, man. I love working nights, yeah. And then Friday nights, maybe you got a job and all you got to do is go in at seven and they send you home at nine, because maybe there's three trucks to load. Very interesting. While we're talking about trucks, this guy's going to be upset that I brought him up, but you guys are gonna love this.

Friday night, my wife and my daughter have to go to a tournament. I can't go because I would never make it back. The first game was 11.30 on Saturday and it's a two hour minimum to come back. I don't know the town, they didn't have a beach. That's all I know. Some town in Jersey didn't have a beach. So Friday night, they leave at about 730. I'm sitting there. I can't watch basketball.

And I can't sit there another fucking night, especially without my wife. At least my wife will find the show. I don't know how to fucking do Amazon and all that. Paramount Plus and fucking whatever. So she always finds that shit. I'm good with the regular channels and you know, whatever, TBS and all that regular shit. So I'm sitting there and I'm like, what the fuck am I gonna do with my life? I can't smoke a joint. I really don't drink.

You know what? I'm gonna eat some mushrooms. So my wife made chicken cutlets before she left. And I had two of them with ketchup and I was eating made chicken cutlets before she left. And I had two of them with ketchup and I was eating fucking chicken cutlets and stuffing my face with these mushrooms. It was like 10 grams. I weighed it and everything.

Dog, I was solo and I wanted to see the devil. I can't smoke reefer and I was gonna pop an edible at some point in the night. Not yet though, not yet. Okay. Aaron Berger, I love this shit. So, I go, let me go get sushi. In my mushroom mind, I'm gonna go get sushi.

Right, so I start driving on the nine, I make the U-turn, legal, and I go into the place, and I pull up, there's gotta be, I thought it was a Japanese parade that had to be You know a bunch of Japanese people a bunch of white people they were waiting to pick up their orders and deliveries And they were waiting for people to go online I go you know what I could probably go in there and get like a table for one they have those little tables Yeah, of course, but I'm not walking through that crowd on fucking mushrooms. I don't deserve this

So I said I turn around again, I get back on the nine, the route nine, I'm going up and I'm like, man, there ain't fucking nothing around here. And also I go, you know what? Maybe I'll go to North Bergen. And then I'm like, that's a bad idea. The fucking chief of police just shit out of his desk. Oh yeah.

What am I gonna do? Drive up and down Kennedy Boulevard and shit, right? And all of a sudden I go, oh shit, Bourbon Street. Bourbon Street is a little fucking strip club. When you get off the parkway onto the 99, there's two big strip clubs. There's the, whatever it's called, I forget what it's called right now, X that's live and kicking they got fucking naked women in there women flying through the air the whole thing I went there like two times when I first moved here during the basketball playoffs because my kid I grew up with from North Bergen owned it so I would he invited me and then I went up there two times always very you know

it's okay but it's not, you're too old. You're too old to enjoy a strip club. For me, I thought insecure when I go in there, but not this night. I go, you know what? Here's the deal. It's five to nine.

I'm gonna fucking go in there. If things are creepy, I'll have a drink, whatever, and I'll leave. And I'll go home and deal with this fucking mushroom hell. I'll go do something. I'll find something. I make the U-turn, I go into this thing. As I pull up, my friend calls me.

We're talking about music. I grew up with this kid in Northburg. A villo, he was on the podcast. We're talking about bands and all this shit. I get off the phone with him. I probably walked in there at 10 after 9, guys. I went to a corner, I sat next to this little skinny black dude that looked like Marvin Gaye, and it was me and him in the corner.

The mushrooms are hitting me, I'm on fire, and there's purple lights in these places, and there's music, but every time a girl would come up, the DJ would go, watch my girl Amanda. She's gonna fuck up that much. Like he was just talking like I would talk. And I'm howling at him. And the mushrooms are hitting me. And then all of a sudden a girl comes up,

what do you want to drink? I go, you know what? Fuck it, let's go for broke. Again, something completely out of my character. A Heineken. Go give me the coldest motherfucking Heineken you got. And I started drinking Heineken. Finally the brother recognized me and he's like, dog, can I buy you a drink?

I'm like, no, let me buy you a drink. Boom, I bought him a drink. We started talking and boom out of nowhere. They had, listen, they had knockout women in there. I don't know if it's like that seven nights a week, but I know Friday night, they were off the hook. They were clean. They didn't fucking work it's like that seven nights a week, but I know Friday night, they were off the hook. They were clean, they didn't fucking work it, there was no gangster shit.

They were, it's like a neighborhood strip club. That's very, you go in there, you could talk to the chicks. I'm sitting there minding my own business and this beautiful African American woman. When I look up like this, you know, when you turn in a restaurant or in a bar, when somebody taps you, you go like this. When I went like this, you know, when you turn in a restroom, I don't know, in a bar, when somebody taps you, you go like this. When I went like this, I thought she was Shaq.

That's how tall she was. But guys, beautiful. Just stunning with the dreads wrapped around her head. Stunning. A beautiful face, 23 years old, five foot 10. What do you wanna do? 265, you know what I'm saying? Bam.

Bam! And I'm looking at her, talking to to her, I'm like this girl's fucking gorgeous. And she had a sense of humor. She was from New Brunswick and we started talking, college. She's a dancer off the thing. She showed me her pictures. Me and the brother were just laughing. And when she got up both of us were like, man that girl's fucking cool as fuck. But my daughter's 11 years older than her. I can't get a lap dance from her. I'll be fucking, you know, when you get a lap dance, you're thinking about your kids,

you're thinking about your nieces. You're like, what the fuck? You know, what kind of pedophile am I? Dancing with these women. So I just went in there and tipped them. When they'd circle around, I just went in there and tipped them. They'd come over and you'd just give them three bucks.

I went through fucking cash like a motherfucker did not even give a fuck you know like when you go to a strip I gotta say 50 bucks forget I don't even give a fuck I got quarters in the car I don't give a fuck and the next thing you know fucking at the end of the night the owners like listen can I get you something a lap dance anything he goes I would hate for you to leave. Great guy, Giovanni. I get a lap dance with this beautiful Russian girl. Another one, fuck, I thought it was, you know,

she was six foot one. Just beautiful. It was the best lap dance I've ever gotten in my fucking life. I was sweating, I had to like tap out at one point. She was a fucking knockout. I left there, it was like we were family. Everybody's family there.

I met two guys, this persico dude from fucking Staten Island. They were sending over tequila shots. I couldn't drink them. I can't drink and drive. I can't handle that shit at all. Ten grams of mushrooms and you're okay. Oh, solo like a motherfucker. Okay.

And when I got home, I thought I was I thought I was sober when I got home That mushroom trip started again. I woke up. I went to bed like a four. I didn't walk in my house till 2 15 again Very on Joey Diaz like but everyone, you know the next morning I woke up And I meditated on it and I go, you know what? Nothing happened And I had a on it and I go you know what nothing happened And I had a fucking good time organically You know saying when something's organic Yeah, like if we had to go into the city and spend 800 dollars and get vip

That's unorganic Yeah, you better have a good time and you're not going to you're gonna sit there all night You know with three other fucking morons you and I both notice right girls come over again And they leave because they're a bunch of morons. They know That at least that's always very planned. I got a table. I got a limo. We're gonna sling dick Nothing gonna happen. They go over there with no package. They're unprepared You gotta have a package put on the table. These bitches love that shit. Tee-chee-chee-chee.

They love that razor blade hitting that fucking table. So... Hahaha! Also, how is this... I'm with you, I'm glad you had a good time. But you keep, you're like, the line at the sushi place was too much. It was too much. But the strip club with the lights and people touching you...

Listen to me, at least I'm looking at beautiful women and it's dark. It's dark. I had face for an hour. I did just throw as a fat Italian dude for an hour. I went up to pee and one of the guy goes, well you're Joey Diaz and he told the manager, no. And then next thing you know, what am I gonna do?

I gotta let myself go. I'm gonna be an uptight bitch at a comedy club, at a strip club with type of fucking animal in mind. Were the lights good for the mushrooms? Oh, tremendous. That's a good place to get. And the DJ was the king, because that reason, he's gonna fuck this motherfucker! Ha ha ha ha!

Dude. Speaking of DJs, George Perez looks like he's killing it. George Perez is on Private Plains, I think he's opening for Gabriel now. Yep, yep, I spoke to him last week. George is killing it, I'm so happy for George. I'm gonna send George some love, cocksucker, I love you.

That's awesome. Well I'm glad you had fun at the Stroke Club. I did, I really fucked it. Cause you don't really do that. I got up the next morning, I'm like, you know what, number one, I gave every dollar I had in my pocket away every dollar I knew what I had in there and trust me I gave away every fucking penny and I didn't even think about it I didn't give a fuck those girls got me laughing so much and the shit and watching other

guys go crazy that's worth the entertainment for me you know right and I could I could be myself just so that I can go somewhere and be myself and 20 people don't come up you can go yeah they can pick shit that is so fucking dynamite you probably went in a good time cuz like it wasn't like a super late when it probably gets packed there but just a couple people dog I was I was there from nine to two. What the fuck? Oh, you were there until two. I forgot about that. I stayed till close, bing!

When they told me we were closing up, I couldn't believe it. I forgot about that. It wasn't like I blacked that or did a gorilla biscuit or did a quail loot or a pill. I did mushrooms and it felt like one minute was 9.30, then it was 10.15, then it was 12.30, and I'm like, fuck fuck I should go home now

Team man, this is way past my bedtime and about 130 like yeah, we're closing up now. I go what? God damn it these mushrooms are on fire and I think I talked to a victim by McDonald's is something everything was clear All right, let's bring our guest on here, Lee. Let's do that. Let's do this shit. Hey, good morning. Uncle Joe here. Just want to fill you in.

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And I want to thankchew for sponsoring the show. It's my little brother Aaron Berg coming to join us tonight. You guys asked for more comedians from the local area and the scene. We only we look good. Yeah, we need to make sure we look good. We're just going fucked up tonight. Don't matter. You know, what's up my brother? Daytime strip clubs, that's when I go.

Daytime. If it's your disgusting perverts. No, Joey, you don't get it. I get it, but no. You don't get it. No, that darkness in the daytime is not good for you. No door people, there's no security first of all. It's day shift, No one's working.

You roll in these girls are money hungry uglier than the night shift girls. More friendly and they'll do stuff if you want. I don't fuck around on my wife but if I had to If I had to, day shift. These girls will never tell, and you never, I'm unknown enough, they'll go, what do you do? I'm a plumber. I tell them I'm a plumber. And they go, oh yeah, what union? I go, 420 out of Newark.

And then once somebody goes, that's the Longshoremen Union. And I go, I'm made of the plumber union. And someone thought it was the Longshoremen Union. But I stripped for two years. Strip clubs are the greatest place in the world to forget yourself. Mick Jagger said, strip clubs the best place to go if you want time by yourself,

because no one is looking at you. Everyone's looking at the naked chicks, thinking about what they can do. Even if people see you, they're like, oh, that's that guy, cool. Oh, pussy. And then they go right back to pussy, like that. And I love, stripping was the greatest time of my life.

How old were you? 23. 23 years old. You were a chip allow, whatever? Not a chip allow. Chip and a dog, whatever. You're a Chipolo, whatever? Not a Chipolo. Chip and Dale, whatever. You're mixing it up with the, you're hybrid-ing it with the Juggalos.

Yeah, no, no, no. I think it was a mix between Chip and Dale and Jiggalo, but it sounds like an ice cream flavor to me. Jiggalo was really great. I thought it was an Indian tribe. Yeah. I don't know what the fuck. We are a proud people and we represent this land.

We are the Chipolos. They call me the one who fucks for three dollars. It was the fucking best time of my life. Yeah, it was Fantasy Male Review. I started out low, I started out dirt floor, stripping for female strippers, and I fell in love with it. First night, first night I made 300 bucks,

couldn't dance, couldn't get hard. You're supposed to get hard before you go out on stage. You get hard, you tie an elastic around your cock and then you go out. That took me six months to learn. I would go buy this lotion at the sex store that'd make your dick more sensitive and you'd rub it on your dick.

I think you gotta stop it right here. Okay. Where are you confused, Lee? I have so many questions. You're blowing his mind. Holy shit. Would you go out and go out full, just showing the dick? Why did your dick have to be hard?

You'd get hard, you'd tie the elastic around it, and at first you'd hide. You'd go over there. This is how many strippers working in that, one, two, three, four, five. So they'd be like, you're on in 10. Your buddy, my friend Johnny Thor, you'd love this. He was a pimp, crackhead, great dude.

And he would fuck everybody. Jacked one of the original Chippendales in Canada. Full of roids, fucking didn't give a shit. You put a condom near this guy, he'd slap you in your mouth. He'd go, what the fuck do you think I am? I'm not using that. He'd say, I know you would just fuck everybody.

Always had a rash on his crotch. I'm telling you, he called them Bobos, Joey. He goes, I got a really bad case of the Bobos. Do you have any lotion? And he just put baby powder on him. So it'd be a red rash with white cake baby powder. The reason why I'm looking at you is I got the same problem.

Have you tried baby powder? I got a fucking rash. You got a rash? Dog, I got a rash that's like a fungus living in my body. It attacked my toenails first. Oh. And then it just stayed in my system, it grew. It's like a bacteria type deal, and it flares up.

It's like herpes. It just, I won't have it for six months, and then one day I do something, there's moisture. I do something and there's some type of moisture. I go to the pool and keep my underwear on, but the shorts on like a fucking savage, I'm done. The next day, no matter what I put on it that night, wash it, dry it, I'm done.

And it's like those things that the first hour when I go to bed, shit gets dry. And so I started putting cream on it, 20 years ago before you go to bed, but 10 minutes later I'm scratching like, I got fucking, and I ripped the skin, my sheets are bloody, now it's by my stomach, it's on this side here, and it's tangling

with those little fucking things you have on your body, a tag. On skin tag. Every time I scratch, I hit the skin tag. The skin tag, no, no, no, no, I'm getting tortured. Trust me, my medical condition is getting fucking tortured lately. And I scratch and I gotta put up, so now I gotta put special cream and then fucking,

everything from my calves and shit, cause at night, like tonight I'll go home, I'll take these black things off and when I pull them off, fucking powder goes all over. And it's from my knee down. The skin gets so dry, so every night, I mean, when I come out of the shower, every time I shower, which is two to two and a half times a day, I gotta put cream all over me, man.

I'm like the fucking driest guy. What's the half shower like? The half shower's like, you taking that? Yeah. And you gotta do something, but it's not too big? Like you're not gonna see nobody who matters? So you're clean, you didn't work out that day so you just stick your head under the shower.

Cause I got a hairdo, I gotta fucking tighten my shit up. My shit's, I'm getting old so the hairdo's getting dry. So it's like the old days where I could put water on the sink and you're ready to fucking fly. Nah, nah, nah, nah, the hair will stay permanent. That's it, that white hair is done. I'm done. It looks good.

Yeah, sure. I was gonna say we don't have to do the half showers. No. All right, so back to your dick and how you tie it up with a rubber band. Yeah, you tie it up. Johnny Thor, he would fuck everybody's girlfriend. He didn't give a shit.

And you know how drug dealers lie. You know there'll be, Joey, I'm 10 minutes away. Just wait, I'm 10 minutes away. He hasn't even left his house. You know what drug dealers lie. You know, they'll be, Joey, I'm 10 minutes away. Just wait, I'm 10 minutes away. He hasn't even left his house. You know what I mean? He was a crackhead drug dealer, good guy. I still talk to this guy. 63 years old, still strips.

Skinny, ripped, but looks like AIDS. You know what I mean? Like ripped, but barely any muscle. Just looks like he's got AIDS, but shredded. And he'll fuck dudes for money. He's real over the fucking edge. You know what I mean? Where does he live?

Toronto. Okay. Yeah, he might watch the show. He's a good guy. But he would fuck anybody's chicks. So he's jacking off one night. They finally got a VCR. This is when you used to have to just use a magazine

to get hard. And you're going through, man, everybody come on the magazine. These guys are fucking savages. You'd love them. And you jerk off, and Johnny's jerking off, and then some guy comes in at the top of fucking fantasies. Motherfucker, you like fucking people's girlfriend?

And Johnny turns, and he doesn't stop jerking off. He's on, and three, he's a pro, right? And he keeps going, he's like, dude, I don't fucking know what you're talking about. He goes, you fucked Stacey, man. Stacey, my fucking girlfriend, man. He goes, bro, she told me she had no boyfriend. You gotta talk to your girl, man.

She's fucking crazy. So he turns it around on the check. While he's doing that, Midnight Dream comes in. Big black dude grabs him, he goes, motherfucker, wrong place. They throw him down the stairs, three guys boot, fuck the shit out of this guy. Oh, gun goes flying, someone grabs a gun,

puts it in his mouth, you wanna fuck with us, motherfucker? Blood everywhere, teeth, and then Johnny, he goes, yeah, you on, shot through the heart, and he just runs out on stage, hard fucking, his chap's on, these guys are still beating the shit out of the guy in the background. That's a professional. That's chipping nails.

Dude, this was insane. It was fucking, my mom came one night, this was bad. Her and my aunt, my aunt's this famous cookbook author. My mom's this Jewish mom, she didn't know I was doing bad stuff. You know, when I was a kid, I got arrested. I broke into cars, that's what I did. Broke into cars, I got caught one night.

It was me, bunch of Jamaican guys, I was the only white guy. We're breaking into cars with spark plugs. You know, you throw the spark plug through the window, you touch the window, shh, the whole window just shatters like that and we'd steal whatever out of course so this guy leans out his window calling the cops fuck you frag and we run off down the street best night of our lives go to the McDonald's the cops

come up to me and all these Jamaican dudes and the cops go you're not with these guys are you because I was the only white guy yeah those that's my crew so they arrest all of us I was a only white guy. Yeah, those are that's my crew So they arrest all of us. I was a fucking idiot Get going to lock up fucking it's awful parents come down. I'm getting the next morning I come out chained up like I'm the only white slave with all these people eight of us going chained up ankles wrists my dad looking at me just like They go we're gonna release him on his own recognizance he's got an 11 p.m. curfew and my father goes I'm a lawyer as well I'd like to have that curfew made to 8 p.m. I'd like to have him not associate

with any of these people they go all right confirmed go out so I get sent off to this boarding school and then I come back from this boarding school and I get I get in the bodybuilding after college and then I come back from this boarding school and then I get in the bodybuilding after college and then I start stripping. And fucking, so my mom is just so proud of me that I'm not in jail. And her and my aunt come and watch me, Joey. And I tell her, she goes, so you strip?

And I go, yeah, but it's just fun. We don't get naked or nothing like that. We're just having a good time and I'm making good money. And my mom, I didn't know she was there. I'm fucking up there, fucking cock dangling out and shit like that. Fucking desperado. Women rapping $5 bills around my cock,

yanking it and shit. And the next day I go over, my mom goes, Aunt Rose and I came to your show last night. And I go, what, the early one or the late one? Because the early one, you don't go naked. She goes, the late one. And I go, oh. You're really good at what you do,

and it seems like the women really enjoy what you do. And Rose could not believe I diapered you. I mean, she said that you really have a big shmeckle from my mom. Whew. Now when did you get into comedy? In the mix of this whole fucking showing your dick and jumping up and down for very one.

You never did that, did you? What's that? You never did that, did you? What? Strip. Look at me. Nobody wants to see me naked. But you used to be jacked.

What? You were jacked. But I still didn't wanna go out there. That's just craziness. You never thought about it? No. Just cause morally or because you couldn't do it? I just didn't think I could pull it off.

I'm sure there are like strip clubs with dudes in it in America. I haven't, but I don't think I could pull it off. I'm sure there are strip clubs with dudes in it in America. I haven't, but I don't, is it the same thing that Joey went to for girls? Is it just like, No, it's a show. It's a girl's show. It's like a real show.

The women go, insane. Okay, so it's more of a show. Oh, they're trying to fuck you there. But I've gone to girl strip clubs with their lap dance for you, and to do this, they blow hot breath on your dick through your jeans. You ever had that? No.

They just get down in front of you, and they're, and I'm married, so I don't get that a lot, and it feels like a real blowjob. And I was in Niagara Falls, I go, you gotta stop, I'm married, I'm gonna cum my pants. I told her, I go, I'm gonna cum my pants. You have to stop. I'm married.

They don't even touch it. They go, real close to it. But I started comedy in 2001. So what year was this when you stopped stripping? 96, because I was running a girl. I had a girl strip give me money and then I had to get out. That was it, that was too much.

So it took you five years to get on stage. Yeah, I thought I was gonna be an actor. I was in Detroit Rock City, I had two scenes in that movie with Kiss and I was young and good looking, I had hair, I couldn't act, but I was like like I'm gonna be a movie star and then didn't happen that I Yuck yucks in Canada. They had amateur night you'd call in and

Try and get on the first time I called in I got on I went up Did very well so bad comedy was so bad I'd be like Michael Jackson Just before all so bad. I'd be like, Michael Jackson, this is before all this stuff. I mean, oh man, no, no, it was George Michael. I go, man, he should change his song to I'm Whacking Off Before I Go Go. Don't Leave Me Hanging in the Bath House, Yo Yo. And I was like, oh, I'm great at this.

And then I did it. Then you go do it outside of a club and you bomb. People looking at you and you're trying to tell jokes about dead hookers and stuff and everyone's just staring at you. And I ate dicks for six years. Quick, Justin, what's worse, bombing as a comic or bombing as a stripper?

Bombing as a comic. Really? Yeah, when you're a stripper, you could just get angry and be like, what, you dumb bitches? You don't respect this? You do that when you're bombing as a comic, you can't get him back. Bombing as a comic is the worst heckle I ever had

from the bad, long, dark room, narrow. Someone just yells out, next! And you can't see him to say nothing to him. And for months, ate me up and I go, ah, I should have said I'm not waiting in an alley to fuck your mom. Holy shit. Let me tell you something, man.

People will never know the pain of doing comedy for 10 years. The fun pain. Like I was watching that show 1823. Anybody see that shit? Yeah. You watched the episode last night? Oh no, I didn't know about the show.

With Harrison Ford and Alan Myron. I watch it every Sunday. When am I gonna go on a Sunday night? So I'm watching it last night and there's a pervert dude in that show who has a girl, she's like the girl that went off Epstein and she brings home other chicks. This is 1823 and there was a guy that would tie these bitches up and like the stuff they torture you

with your two hands and your neck and he would talk to you in English like first make her feel the pain and then turn it the pain and then turn it into pleasure and then after a while you own her when the pain becomes her pleasure and you know he's got a right on the show he's got a finger in her you don't see her monkey but you see your hand going and he's whipping her or another he has another chick do it he just sits there smoking a cigar having a cocktail like a fucking old, disgusting pervert.

That shit drives me crazy. I couldn't imagine just sitting there when you're 31. That's when you wanna see two chicks going at it. You got an eight ball next to you. You know what I'm saying? I was telling some guy the other day, the guy I lift weights with once a week, he loves music, he's one of us, he loves music.

And we were listening to Don Henley's first solo album. It's a fucking masterpiece. It was like maybe three years after the Eagles broke up. And then the other guy struck, but he struck first. And I thought about a story, there's a book out. You gotta look this book up, guys. It's been out since 1997. You won't have lunch in this town anymore.

I remember that. It's a book about a hooker that wrote stories about everybody she slept with in Hollywood from fuck, I mean, she threw some heat in there. And they went after her, but she didn't give a fuck. They sold the rights to a movie, never made the movie. But one of her stories was that one of her big clients, one of her biggest was Don Henley.

And Don would make you go over there on a Friday and Saturday, four women. And he would sit on a chair, and there was a fireplace, with like a table, and he would make them bend over naked and just stay in that position and he would stay there and Do coke by himself and smoke a cigar and then get up and put his dick in one of them bang him for like eight minutes Then go right back to his chair. Yeah and sit down the chicks would have to stay bent over Like how crazy this world? This world is crazy. And listen, I've had my moments,

especially when you're doing that devil powder, crazy things go into your mind. I never had the fucking, I don't know, I just wanted to eat somebody's monkey and have some fun and giggle. I don't wanna put him through a wall and hear that shit, people choking you, you know. Ha ha ha ha. I don't want to put them through a wall and that shit people choking you, you know I

Had that whole world is just so fucking bizarre to me. I didn't do a lot of coke. I did it maybe 20 times That's 40. Yeah, but I was I was in Vancouver and I did some and I was like, I'm gonna have some fun. What do I got? I Have 600 bucks. Let me see what I can do. I called up this place. I need you to send me two girls two Asian girls Same time and they showed up and It was such a great night, but they would do this weird thing one of them would blow me and then I'd go now you and before she would she grab a

disinfectant wipe and Wipe, she grab a disinfectant wipe and wipe my hog with this disinfectant wipe. And I go, why didn't the first girl do that? And then I realized, oh, I'm not the dirtiest one in this room, that first girl's probably got something. And after I was done, Joey, I looked in the mirror when they left and I looked at myself and I go, man, I'm cool. mirror when they left and I looked at myself and I go, man I'm cool.

You know how good it feels after doing something like that? No, doesn't matter you paid for it, it's still fun. Where'd you start comedy? Toronto. Okay, and then when did you decide to move to this great city? It took me ten years I had to get paperwork and because you know, cuz you have to immigrate here. I'm an immigrant. I

Had to get like all these documents and stuff and then I moved it I left I had great fiance there I left her behind moved to New York moved to an 8 by 10 room in a story of Queens cockroaches some other comics, they failed. They moved back to Canada, they couldn't make it. And that was slugged it out for years and years. I've been here almost 15 years now. This is the greatest place to do comedy in the world. But this is, you have an interesting story.

I never knew all this shit, I just tell you. I didn't mean to offend you. I know that. No, never, I'm not. It's what people say is you're easily offended. No, fuck yourself, never offended. Now, how can you be offended by somebody's past? You can't.

That they've gotten to a certain place in life. You cannot be offended. Listen man, people make mistakes. It's at a certain time in their fucking lives, you have no idea what was going on the moment before it happened and the moment after it happened. You have no fucking idea.

So I see somebody fucking kicking ass, I'm always happy. There's people at home that won't do dick and then they'll complain about the system. The Democrats say, I can't live like that. I cannot, I cannot hear that shit. I saw you said this thing, who you were talking to, Bird or something, and you go, comedy's changed.

It's not comedy anymore, talking about politics, talking about all this other shit. It's business people now, you know what I mean? There's just to go out and have fun and make those people fucking die laughing while you're there, it's those moments, that's all that matters, is the time on stage, right? You know, man, I came up on somebody

and I came up on Richard Pryor the early on. Me too. That was my, you know, I like Carlin, I like Lenny Clark, Lenny Bruce, I like Peter Clarke too. Pryor's the guy. Pryor's- Pryor was always my guy. The guy. And he had a, I don't know, that style.

I liked that style. He was dirty, he was talking about drugs, he was talking about what happened when he did drugs. And it's just some people liked it and some didn't. When I saw the one live on the Sunset Strip, I leaned right towards that life. I just didn't know how to start or, I'm a kid from North Bergen, New Jersey,

where do you go to do comedy? But it always sat in the back of my mind, but I wanted to act more. I loved those old school movies, so I'm like, let's become a fuckin' actor first. And then life passes you, you know what I'm sayin'? And I became a fuckin, I don't know. But we're here.

Yeah. I had the weirdest experience recently. Because you're talking about politics on stage. I was at a show and I never had, this comic before me to like 15 tourists just went around asking person by person who they voted for. And when they said that when one person said the wrong answer The comic tore into them for the like ten minutes of just about like how they're a terrible person

They hope all their kids have terrible things happen to them, and then I had to go up It was honestly. I was actually proud of myself because I got them to laugh, but I just had like I Honestly, I was actually proud of myself because I got them to laugh, but I just had like, I don't do anything, my whole thing is you go to comedy shows to forget all that shit, so I don't talk, that's why I make fun of myself, it's like, I don't want anyone there to have any, all I want them to do is laugh.

It was such a weird show, I've never had that experience of someone just, not even trying to be funny, but just being mean to an audience member. There's different styles for different people. When people are green, that's one of the styles they incorporate for a while. When they don't get lapsed, they attack the audience. I did it.

Yeah. You're angry at yourself. And that's who you're angry at for not writing. Right. For not going home at night and fucking getting Judy Carter's book and sitting there and doing the exercises, right George? It's still there? There you go. You know, it's very weird that people want all this and especially in today's society with the I.G.'s and the fucking this and that, it's

incredible. How many people you look at and go, I don't even know you. You know, why are you in front of a boat that ain't yours? Why are you in front of a boat that ain't yours? So everybody wants to fucking go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. It's that fucking simple, you know? And Aaron, I haven't had a chance to see you, but you did a special a few years ago that,

honestly, is one of the reasons why I wanted to move to New York is it was called something like 35 spots, or it was like, you did a crazy number of spots. 25 sets. 25 sets. Yeah. And one, how do you do that?

That was the appeal of why I wanted to move to New York, because in Toronto I could maybe do five, 10 sets a week. And then I was like, and then I'd look at, remember when they used to have all the shows in the paper? There was a paper, there was a website that had lists all these shows in New York, and be like, open mic, blah, blah, blah, it might have been The Voice. And they'd be like.

No, no, no, The Voice had some. What was the name? Stage. Stage. Something, yeah. And it'd be like here's your. Wednesdays late or Thursday morning. Yeah.

And you'd look at it and go, oh my God, look at this. I could do 10 shows in a night. And you didn't know most of these were like shitty open mics and fucking horrible. I went to half those motherfuckers on that list. But there was just this love to get on stage. My goal was always to get on stage so I could just talk the same way on stage

that I talk off stage. That was the whole thing about getting stage time so that there was nothing disingenuous about it. And when I moved here, I started doing it, and then I got in at some clubs, and on a Saturday I'd be doing eight or nine. Jesus, even that sounds great. It does sound like a on a Saturday, I'd be doing eight or nine. And I'd be like. Jesus, even that sounds great.

It does sound like a lot, but then I'd have, I'd be like, I'm off for two and a half hours, and I'm sitting in Greenwich Village smoking, and I'm like, there's gotta be, I could do more. And then I researched it, and I'm like, oh, Steve Byrne did 13. And I was like, I could fucking crush that. So then I went home, came up with this list of like,

and I was like, oh, I can do 26 in a night if I line this up right. And then I made all these calls, and then I talked to this girl, and she used to work with Morgan Spurlock. Remember the Super Size Me guy that ate on the McDonald's? And she goes, I work with Morgan Spurlock.

You got excited by the McDonald's? No, I just remembered that fucking crazy thoughts. And then he got canceled, do you remember that? And he did something, I don't think it was one of those, is he dead? Oh yeah. I don't even think it was one of those bad thoughts. I'm pretty sure, I'm almost positive, I'm like 80%.

We thought for him. Did you? Yeah, I don't think it was a bad cancel though. I think it was like, hey, good job, Toots. I think it was like one of those cancels, you know what I mean? Like, he called me Toots. And it's like, I'm so sorry,

I'm gonna check myself into rehab. But she goes, you should shoot this. So we put together a crew and I was like, all right, we're gonna start at four in the afternoon. And we went until 2.30 in the morning. Ran around, and you know, shortest set was, I think like four, because I was like, I gotta go. I can only do four, longest set was 19 that night.

All different, you know, a couple same jokes, but not, it wasn't the same set all night. And then, and it was, and then the next night I went back to work. I was like, all right, I'll go host again. And I went out and hosted shows. You know what would be an interesting show for the internet right now?

A guy like yourself, we do six episodes of you, especially now, it's springtime, before it gets really hot. You can't walk the streets in June. Just you leaving the house in the car. You know, and going, parking, and running your game. Stopping to get pizza, and stopping to get a bag of weed, whatever it is that you do when you're in the city.

Very natural, and it's like, Dave O'Tell, except for no drinking. If you wanna add booze in there, you can. You know, do you stay out late at night after you do comedy or once you do your last set, those days are over? I usually rush home. I mean, I try and get up with my kid at like 7.30.

It's the weirdest fucking thing. Like, lately I've been missing a night with comics. Like just, like the other night I couldn't do it. I could not do it because I would have been out till fucking 1.30. I wouldn't have got home till two in the morning. I had a lot of food in my stomach. I wasn't in the mood.

And there was too many people. I like, you know, six of us. Yeah, small hang. And now these restaurants close at fucking 10, 30, 11. You could do two shows and go out and go, dope, keep the restaurant open. And you go to the back room, lobster tail, till two, you just gotta tip them heavy.

You gotta give them a taste of the t-shirts. You know what I'm saying? You gotta go deep, you gotta go deep to Hillary. So you gotta make it worth that while, gas money, the babysitter, the wife, he's not gonna bang her because he was gonna go home. So yeah, those days are ended. I asked our Cuban place, I'll give him place

I'm sorry if it's you or like the other night I stayed I ate with dice cuz he's like you want to eat I was like, alright, but then you're like, that's it's one That's late for me. I'm like, alright, it's one. I'm gonna go now, but I'll do that I'll do one no later than one. That's crazy. How far is your drive home 40? Yeah That's crazy. How far does your drive home? 40. Yeah, one and a half, 35 to go to bed. Think about shit process which just happened. Maybe as you were driving home, you thought of a joke.

You know, it's a fucking, that's why when you're lit, that nighttime light up and you get home and you're like, I'm going to bed at 10.30. Fuck you. You sit at home and let's say you smoke dope, get home, eat, take a shower, sit on the couch, you know I'm going to bed and then you hit two bonk hits, that shit wakes you right back up

and now you're reviewing your material, why was that guy looking at you like that? The guy didn't pay you for those eight people on the balcony, you know what I'm saying? The, remember, oh my God, what was I gonna fucking say? I have no idea what I was gonna say, oh my God, what was I gonna fucking say? I have no idea what I was gonna say, I just forgot. Happens to me all the time, brother. I had no idea what I was gonna say.

There was something about staying up late. Oh, if you gotta fucking, if you gotta shoot something the next morning and you got a 6 a.m. call, you're dead. There's no way your body adjusts that quickly. Even if you go, I'm not gonna do spots I'll go to bed at 9 o'clock. You're not doing 2 a.m. It's not gonna happen. No your body's electric No, yeah, that's the worst when you book a movie. That's a 5 a.m. Call and You're like I got two options here. I could take a half a bottle of fucking draenex

And try to fall asleep or I could just stay out and pray for the best. Pray that you're not shooting first and it's a three hour setup and you can catch a little Puerto Rican nap in there and you're a little flippin'. You know what I'm saying? I did it many a time, dog, many a time.

I fell asleep with a can. Then finally for the longest yard, I just brought a sleep apnea machine in because it was the same trailer every day. When, I just brought a sleep apnea machine in. Because it was the same trailer every day. When am I gonna get back and forth? Fuck it. In the afternoon I get tired,

I put the sleep apnea machine on right there. Did you have a nice trailer? You have a bigger, like a half? Yeah, it was a big trailer. Oh God, if you'd never been in a half trailer, boy you feel like a star then. Because normally they put you in one with this little tiny bed. It's like a jail cot. It's a fucking jail in the city. It's like a star then. Because normally they put you in one with this little tiny bed.

It's like a jail cot. It's a fucking jail. It's like a jail cot. I'm not gonna say. You can't turn, you can't sleep. I'm not a rat, but it's one of my favorite TV shows. I've done it a few times. I love doing it.

But the fucking quarters, you're like, I can't believe I'm in this fucking thing. Boy, you feel like a piece of shit. It's just a room with a little couch that goes, it's like you went to summer camp. That's where you lay down, your feet are gonna dangle off that. Lee would love it. He'd go right into the corner there,

and he would love it. But you're sitting there, and it's, I'm not complaining, you're on a fucking set of a tremendous movie. Every once in a while they forget and they put you in a big trailer and that's very nice. Oh, big trailer. There's one that's bigger than that one.

The second one to that, it's the cousin. It's the one with the bed, now you got a mirror, you got a little sink, you got a counter there so you can put your notes down. You know what I'm saying? No drawer, nothing like that. No. What do you even do in there? I can't imagine you jerk off in there.

No, you can't jerk off. No! Only you would fucking come up with something. That's disgusting. You're fucking jerking off at work, man. There's a bed. Eventually you're gonna think about it. Fucking Zip Wolf is paying you 1200 bucks a day,

you jerking off. If you're there for 18 hours, it's not gonna cross your mind once? No! Why would you wanna? So what do you do? That's what I'm your mind once? No, why would you wanna? So what do you do? That's what I'm asking.

What the fuck is wrong with you? He just talked about jerking off in front of his mom. I don't know. That's fine. I didn't jerk off in front of my mom. How would you just make that story so big? Jerking off in front of my mom. You see I gotta live with, Joey D is here.

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something. This is just not you, this fucking nut next to you. Let me ask you something. Let me ask you something. This is just, not you, this fucking nut next to you. Yeah. Yeah, let me ask you something. I hope you stop jerking off in public. I've never started. No, no, no, because I know in your little Jewish mind, you're like one of those dogs. I grew up around you motherfuckers.

Every morning, you go to 40. You can't lump all Jews together. Listen, listen to me. I saw it, don't lie to me, because it's in your blood. I would fucking get off the Port Authority bus, right there in the mornings, and walk to that corner. And there used to be a tremendous strip club

on the corner of that. The whole time I was growing up, remember on that corner there? That's where the first time you see the guy with the mop in the fucking room, and you go in there and the floor is sticky. And there's some chicken there with fucking like a bandage and she's blowing a guy with a skinny dick and one nut.

And you're traumatized, you know what I'm saying? But if you did the survey outside, who went in there the most, it was the desert people. It was the fucking, the ones with the ponytails. The city. Great. They're great. They're not fucked. And right away, there'd be a fucking dude with tokens. You gave him like, he had the old circus thing.

It was like he would go into the circus as a kid. He had the pouches, and in the old days, they put like quarters, nickels, dimes, and pennies. No, he had tokens and all four of them, and you would pay him and he'd give you tokens. It was like eight tokens to go in there for two minutes. You didn't even have two minutes You're like a minute to bang out and the thing would close and you'd be midway So now you have deep deep in your pocket and throw tokens in there like a fucking animal

tremendous and then you'd walk out of there and before you out three feet a Little Mexican dude came in with a bucket, put it on the floor with hot water, and then put it back in his bucket, and by the time he was out, another guy went right back in there, closed that motherfucker.

Those are the days, guys. Was there ever a line to get in? Never, because there was four stages. And then there was one across the street then if you went like two blocks uptown there was the nasty one where you saw like and you went in there before but here's the crazy thing Lee people would go in there before work wait they had early morning I'm talking about going into the city 7 a.m. and there'd be people getting off that bus,

getting a cup of coffee, and in those days there was no Starbucks. It was that hot dog man. He had the best coffee in town. One cup. Blue cup. Blue cup. Twin towers on it.

I don't wanna hear that shit. Regular, what else was it? Black, regular, or what else? There was another one. Cream and sugar, regular, and fucking black. That's it, there was no maccoccino, you fucking momos. There was no frozen whip. This is something they sold to society.

And people did great. People were up 28 hours a day drinking that coffee. You get three cups of that shit. You just shittering. Everybody was getting along back then. Who the fuck are you kidding? Anyway, not to get me off the communist rant, but what we talking about?

Oh, the perverts, that. Jews. The Jews love that shit. I will say this. I'm Jewish, he's Jewish. I think Jews at first repressed their sexuality a lot. And then, here's how I like sex. It's gotta feel a little wrong.

So I'll tell my wife, I go, meet me down in the basement in 20 minutes. She never does, but I always try to get her to. She goes, no, we do it in the daytime when our daughter's at school, and it's never as exciting. I want it to feel wrong. That's what I like about sex. It's gotta feel, ooh, it's sneaky.

We could get caught. Let's go in the, and the basement's this little fuck cave. You know, it's all cold down there. No one ever sleeps down there except me. It's a good king-sized bed, but it's harder than the main bed. It don't make squeaking noises, because I got ADHD, so if I'm fucking my wife

and the squeaking happens, I go, ah! My dick gets all soft. She goes, what's wrong with you? I go, this noise, it doesn't bother you. And she goes, no, you're autistic. So I try to get her down to the basement. She won't come down, but there's something about it being wrong.

So most people now say that, you know, oh, the Jews run this big sex cabal at Epstein Island. And you wanna, as a Jew, go, hey, that's wrong. But then as a Jew, you're also like, it's possible. You know what I mean? It's possible. Especially for the Orthodox Jews. I'm like, the Orthodox Jews hate me.

Because they take it so, like they're the ones who have sex through the sheet. They also do, in Israel, they'll walk and not look at women. They take it so seriously So like for them to live in New York and live like that But then also I can't I would bet there's a lot of like religious people who go in and but the Jews you can just Tell like that's like and dog. I went in there. I went in there as a young kid

Which is why I'm fucked up today because you're not supposed to see that shit. Yeah as a kid to that level I saw pornography that was fucking one level up then fucking an animal. I saw pornography in the 70s when it was raw, there was no directors, there was no plot, there was nothing. It was... Insatiable with Marilyn Chambers, you ever see that?

Listen, I have no idea about that shit. What the fuck I like. I'm talking about the dirty movies that got sent to your house that you had to hide and I saw some disgusting shit as a kid that I was like I saw a chick I don't even want to talk about it. Kissing huh kissing real gross stuff kissing no no I didn't mind that shit I made my mother get HBO yeah To watch the groove tube because That was a good movie.

Some chick was running naked with her titties out. I was probably like 11. You ever see The Groove Tube? No, The Groove Tube was good. Bro, Groove Tube and the Kentucky Fried movie, they're both like cousins to each other. And you know what, if you watch it now, you'll go Joey and Aaron, you guys are fucking retarded.

That is the worst shit you've ever seen. I gotta tell you something, when those movies came out I saw Kentucky Fried movie in Jersey City And I'll never forget that scene when they're in court and The guy takes a rubber dick and he puts on the top of his head and he goes we are from another planet We you know when you when you're fucking 12 and you smoke two joints

and you're giggly, that's that 70 giggly weed where people threw you out for laughing, come back when you grow up. Because you're two to the diner, fucking high as fuck, and the waitress come over, hi boys, can I help you? And you were just bust out. It was uncontrolled. And then, here, call me when you grow.

It was always like they yelled at you or just bust out. It was uncontrolled. And then, here, call me when you're broke. It was always like they yelled at you or threw you out because you laughed your fucking ass off. I'll never forget that. Group two by Saw at Home. Hot Dog, the movie. Hot Dog, Cheech and Chung, when the fucking van was made out of weed and they fucking lit it on fire.

What a great idea. Oh, that's when the chicks sn was made out of weed and they fucking lit it on fire, what a great idea. Oh, that's when the chicks snorted the coat. What was that, what, Ajax. Boosh, boosh. Yeah. When you're a fucking kid, you just lose your mind. Now they come on and you're like, oh, I should have gone a different direction.

Something's not working here. One of the girls I dated, and this reminded me, and I forgot about it and blocked it out, she worked in one of those sex shows, like in a peep show. And this guy I strip with, they were like a couple in the show. And I didn't know that. And then I started dating her, and the guy, Garrett,

goes, oh, you're going out with Trudy? And I go, yeah. He goes, oh yeah, I know her. And I was like, what, did you date her? He the guy, Garrett, goes, oh, you're going out with Trudy? And I go, yeah. He goes, oh yeah, I know her. And I was like, what, did you date her? He's like, no, not exactly. And I go, what do you mean? And then she told me, she goes, yeah, we used to do like simulated sex scenes together.

She worked in a peep show. She had two kids, 22 years old, C-section scar, fake tits, but those old ones with the scars underneath. Remember those tits? Before they could do them through the nipples No, oh, yeah, just right the cure. Then they just put a bag in no one knew what was in those bags Could just been poison Was fucking hot dead brown tooth Joey she had a dead brown tooth

Just dangling there one of the hottest chicks I ever dated C-section scar two titty, and a dead brown tooth. How long do you date someone like that? That was six months. And then she thought she got pregnant. Because we wouldn't wear condoms. You pull out, you know? Like a man.

That never works. Is this getting too sad? And then she thought she was pregnant, and then I go, we better talk about it. She goes, no, there's no choice. If I already got two kids, I don't believe in getting rid of it. And I go, oh, jeez.

Is that when you moved to America? I go, that's my life, it's done. Luckily she wasn't pregnant, it was ovarian cancer. And we still count how lucky we are to this day. She was fine, she lived, they removed it, but it was a big scare, you know what I mean? I was 23, I was gonna have a kid with a stripper, she already had two other kids,

the fathers were hooked on Oxy. I would have been the breadwinner for fucking nine people. You just gave me so much anxiety, I can't even. She's fine, I don't know what so much anxiety. I can't even. Yeah, she's fine. I don't know what happened to her. I can't even. Not her, what about me? I'm over here dying from that thought.

Okay, I'm sorry. Two slits, two kids, mother and dad. It's a lot. I didn't know that. She lost her leg rollerskating, what else? Anything else? I didn't know this was too much. She lost her leg rollerskating.

Anything else to break my heart in to bring me down. She was a nice girl, she loved me. That's what she said. She used to say she loved me. She was from a trailer park. I'm gonna tell you something, I told a couple people, but I just had a thought about it

today when you were saying all your disgusting stories. I didn't know these were disgusting. I figured I'm gonna come on, Joey's gonna go, oh, I got stories like that. And he's looking at me, all he's thinking about is his rash. My brother, one in Rome, you set the mood. Fuck it, run with it. All right.

But I'll never forget, it was 1985, and I'm living in a fucking hotel in San Francisco with my ex-wife at the time. We was just dating, she was a young kid, I was 22, I didn't know what was going on. But I mean, guys, right down the corner, 80 yards from where I walked out and said, it's a beautiful day to be alive, right there. I would have to cross the street. There was a hotel. And if you went maybe 30 more yards on the corner, there was a place called Coffee Ranch.

went maybe 30 more yards on the corner, there was a place called Coffee Ranch. It was 24 hours and it was topless. There wasn't one tit in there that you ever wanted to see. And they had donuts and coffee in the morning, you don't know how many times I just went in there. High as a motherfucker. I'd smoke a joint and go in there dressed with a suit on. Why? Because I was ready motherfucker. I'd smoke a joint and go in there dressed with a suit on. Why?

Because I was ready to fucking, in those days I was a hotel dude, you know what I'm saying? I'd work the hotels, get a newspaper put on your arm, get a fucking donut, have a cup of coffee and I'd look at the chick's titties like they were junkies, you know. They had to be topless so you could tell, they had needle marks.

Yeah. T had needle marks. Yeah. Tremendous. Ha ha ha! Tremendous. The owner was a big fat fucking Greek guy or something like that. Tremendous, tremendous. Was this the Tenderloin?

Yeah. Yeah. I lived in the Tenderloin. Dude, if you have not been to the Tenderloin, that's real San Francisco. Fuck Ashbury. Fuck hate. and I worked on Ashbury Haters the Barton yeah it was the fucking summer it was 40 years ago the anniversary it was the summer of 85 I was that one for you I was that for you

yeah and I went out there and I went out there because they were looking for me in Boulder oh yeah they were looking for me in Boulder Oh, yeah, they were looking for me in Boulder. I just met this girl. I Had to tell her the truth. She was a sweet kid and she goes I'm coming with you. I go let's do it We went to the airport. I shoveled off to San Francisco The first night I stayed at the Hotel, California Across the street from a little fucking diner, which we'll get to on a different episode I robbed that joint like three weeks later. Oh my god. I wanted a fucking spree up there across the street from a little fucking diner, which we'll get to on a different episode. I robbed that joint like three weeks later.

Oh my God, I wanted a fucking spree up there. I was a fucking like a young kid. And I landed in San Francisco and they said, go to this place for a cheap hotel. The first night we stayed at that place, then we moved into the Virginian Hotel, which is now a... And kids from other countries come in.

Hostel. Hostel. And it was on top of Bodega, and it was probably the best education of my life because my mom had died in 79, and I stayed here in North Bergen. I hadn't spoken Spanish and I go to San Francisco and I walk Three blocks from my fucking hotel. I make a right turn. I'm looking for weed and also I hear guy go Bo Cita and I go well Tell me that you're Cuban. He's like, yeah, we started talking. He sold me some weed and he goes we're all Cuban on this block

We just sell drugs on this block. Come on by and say hello. If you wanna work with us, they were nice as shit. I was there two days later working with these guys. Talking Spanish. You had to buy the guy on the corner a bottle of rum to clear your, that was your tribute for the day. Little old guy that was like maybe 70.

He would just sit there and goof on everybody and fist fight. It was like 20 of them would just sit there and goof on everybody and fist fight It was like 20 of them man, and I became friends with them There's so many levels of this story how much I learned Because these were the guys that came when Fidel sent them over in 79 that people were telling them criminals Not these guys aerial boat lift these guys were made to be criminals I remember I was eating dinner with one of them one night. He invited me to his home.

We used to sell nickel bags together. We used to sell stolen traveler's checks. Oh yeah. You remember traveler's checks? Hell no. I've not stolen one. American Express traveler's checks. They replace them with no questions.

And you could bring them into a Chinese place or a Japanese place, they don't look at the idea of the numbers. They would just take them and give you back change, cash. So if somebody gave you a hundred dollars traveler's check, usually when you clipped the book, you had two grand in there. So you would have to spend two or three hundred to get your money, your cash. Would you get fifteen, 30, nothing, for doing nothing. But you had it, I would take those and go to San Francisco, it was called Japanese town.

And I would just walk around, buy karate suits, whatever the fuck I needed that night, a bag of rice, a sword, you know. You don't know when you're gonna need a sword. Because if it was 69 bucks and you had a hundred dollar one, they gave you back the change. On some ones you won, on some you lost. No big fucking deal.

But that was one of the most interesting. I got a, I walked into this place, I was looking for a job. No, first of all, I went to the American bartending school in New York City, February of 84. It's lifetime placement. So when I get to San Francisco bartending school in New York City, February of 84, it's lifetime placement. So when I get to San Francisco, I'm like, I've gotta call these motherfuckers.

I call them up, they check me out, they call me right back. Come on down, we got a job for you. They sent me on an interview. It was in a nice part of San Francisco, nice Italian restaurant. They said they wanna see you between 10.30 and 11. Me being the Cuban from Hudson County, I got that 10. That's how I was raised.

I get that, walk in. Hello, hello, nothing. I keep walking, walking, walking. Meanwhile, my girlfriend's outside. Nice girl. She don't know nothing about nothing. I keep walking in there. Hello, hello, hello.

Nobody answers. I keep walking to see what I, hello, hello, nobody answers. I keep walking to see what I bump into and there it is. The door to the office is wide open, the bank is on the fucking desk and the safe is open, cash, I took the cash, but you know the Cuban, I took every piece of change that was in there. So I remember walking out of there and the jacket I had, the suit was twisted from all the quarters. It was one was longer than the fuck another one. And we ran out of there, come on, let's go. She goes, did you get the job?

Fuck, come on, come on. We gotta get this, I didn't know where the bus was going. We just got on the bus and on the bus, I started pulling out 50s, 100s, 20s, we were like, Jesus Christ. I get back to the hotel, they're like, they got two messengers from the American Bartholomew School. I call thems, we were like, Jesus Christ. I get back to the hotel, they got two messages from the American Barton in the school. I call them back, I'm like, what's going on?

You got a different job? They're like, did you rob that place today? I'm like, what are you talking about? I went up there and there was nobody there. Well, the cops wanna talk, all right, send them over. And they never came. It was no big deal. They had no cameras back there.

No, I went to a different place and the guy looked at me all weird for like 20 minutes. Kept checking me out and shit. It was the biggest tequila bar in San Francisco. It was busy at lunchtime. I went there like 11.30 and the guy actually saw me and he came out, he was looking at me, looking at me. Motherfucker sat down. He goes

My name is jose ds and i'm from union city new jersey And we just started talking He was like 10 years older than me. He went to emerson high school played football the whole fucking day He bought me lunch and he goes I don't have a job for you here, but i'm gonna get you a job Go to this place. I already called him for I don't have a job for you here, but I'm gonna get you a job. Go to this place. I already called him for you. You got a job starting tonight. And he got me a job as a doorman, bartender at.

It was a bar on Hashberry across from McDonald's. It's still there. It had all Cadillac things inside. And whenever you put the lights on, when the music was blasting, the lights would go off and shit like that. And I worked there for about eight weeks till the cops started looking for me

and then I had to move on back to California. From Boulder? They tracked it? No, it's San Francisco. What are you thinking? You don't stop the fire, you know what I'm saying? You gotta feed the whole motherfucker. You like when you get a job where you get to do two things,

where you're a bouncer, bartender. But I had a bartender like, they gave me a bartending job on Monday nights. And it was like karaoke night, but there was a bunch of women in there and all that. And the other nights I worked at dawn, Friday and Saturday. But I was happy to do it. But the adventure wasn't that job.

It was the bus ride home on Hay and Ashbury. And when I got off the bus, the three block walk to the hotel, there was always a fucking adventure. One night I made a fucking left turn to walk up the hill by the park there, and there was just a dude laying there, fucking blood all over under him, gone.

And people were walking by him, like one in the morning whistling Dixie, like the motherfucker wasn't there. You could see the blood going down the fucking corner. This is freshly made. I don't know how, it was just freshly done. It wasn't like the blood was traumatized or nothing. You could see it rolling down the hill.

I just stayed away from him from, I didn't like blood at that time, so I just walked up the hill and mind my business. That's how crazy the hate Ashbury was. And then the night that topped it off was the night I fucking saw a white dude with a two by four fighting a black dude with a sword. That was fucking brilliant across the street

from that movie theater, it was a concert place. Cause that's down there. I was walking one day and some guy started talking to me, I'm from Jersey, I'm from Newark What are you doing tonight was like a hippie black dude? I'm not doing anything He was you should go to Sylvester's tonight So Vesta was an old black one of the first fucking guys that dressed up like a woman and sang and he had two or three You make me feel in the other one. Do you wanna fuck with me?

Trading places Eddie Eddie Murphy, when he has the party back in his house, and they're all dancing, he did that. He was very flamboyant, and I just wanted to go see him. I asked my girlfriend, let's go see fucking Sylvester. We went to this movie theater, it was 2,000 gay people, you could smell sperm in the air. Some guy came up to me, I do some acid, fuck yeah.

Me and my girl said, I don't know if we should do it. Fuck yeah, this is San Francisco. Somebody offers you acid, you fucking do it. You know what I'm saying? Especially in 85, you had to fucking do it. And I'll never forget, they invited us to a party afterward. Fucking drugs, there was acid, booze.

And me and her, we don't know nobody. The guy just thought we were cool because we bought the acid from him. You know what I'm saying? It was cool. And then there was a picture of Bruce Lee that I had never seen before. I kept looking at the picture.

And Kathy would say to me, what's going on with you? And I go, hold on, I'm talking to Bruce Lee. What? No, no, no, I'm not gonna say nothing to her. And I go, hold on, I'm talking to Bruce Lee. What? No, no, no, I'm not gonna say nothing to her. And I started that shit with her. And she fell right into the trap of the, I'll never forget that night.

She's like, why is Bruce Lee talking to you? I don't know, you have to go pick your father up at the airport. And I kept talking to Bruce Lee, she's like, I didn't even know my dad was landing. I mean, it was fucking insane. Where me and, and we was just, well, I'm goofing on you. And then we started giggling. It was just one of those nights you walk home,

it was not planned. You know, the guy offered us the tickets on the corner, whatever the fuck. Like I had so many crazy nights, but then again, I saw some shit that in the 21 years of growing up here, I never saw it before. They stabbed the motherfucker in front of my favorite Italian restaurant, another guy, guts were out. They don't motherfucker in front of my favorite Italian restaurant.

Another guy, guts were out. They don't fuck around in the Tenderloin, dog. They don't fuck around. It's like, I don't know how many blocks. Look how big it is. But that little area, anything can happen. Anything, at any fucking time. And you still, I know the answer is yes,

but I can't believe you went back to that restaurant after you saw the guy get stabbed. Every other day was the best restaurant San Francisco Original Joe's motherfucker in the Tenderloin anybody can go to the Fisherman's Wharf. Yeah, and no weed out there bitch There's no fish. He don't he? They closed that one they did they closed the one downtown They have one of the Fisherman's War by the move by the cobs, but the problem is it's an hour and a half wait. Yeah, it's not.

But then you go to San Jose, bam! There it is up the corner from the comedy club. Living like a doctor for three days. Oh my God, we gotta go to San Jose to take this motherfucker original joes. Those Italian hamburgers with steak fries. Good googly moogly, dog. I miss that, that's one spot.

We used to go to San Jose just for that. Just for those nine meals. I didn't eat fucking too many. You think he's joking, he's not joking. Nine meals, original Joe's. Every day. Every day. Three times a day.

Time it perfectly. I would walk in there at breakfast, kill it. Smoke more dope, go in there about 2.30, kill it. Maybe go to the gym, read a book for a while. Leave, we're going at six. Kill it again. Excuse me. Go back to the club.

It's all heavy Italian food. It's not. Oh my goodness. It's all heavy Italian. They got a chicken parm. Tell these motherfuckers. I love that you can get ravioli on the side. And they'll have and have ravioli.

Oh yeah, they always give you fucking pasta. Tremendous. But here's the clinker. Boom! When you leave your hotel and you're flying out of San Jose, guess who's at the airport? Bam! Original Joe.

And you get your two eggs with a steak and seven grain toast with butter and a nice tea with lemon, come on dog. That's when the gate is right there and you're right here living like a doctor, like looking at them all stacking up like all the Chinese people stand on line correctly and you're like, I don't have to stand on line right now.

I'm gonna have my little steaky poo with my fucking two eggs for like 8.99 too, no big deal. No, they're good people, good fucking Italian family. God bless them. God bless the fucking Tenderloin, Jack. And that one has, in San Jose, doesn't have like a counter we sat at? Like you don't have to sit at a table? Yeah, because Butch's father was sitting at the counter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We would sit

at the counter. I love counters. Yeah, bro, this place got, all of them got a counter. And that place was the first place in 1985 that, yeah, it wasn't a Tenderloin, but the waiters were world class. Classy. World class. Lifers, you know, worked there their whole life.

Union, you know, union. 20 bucks an hour before they even sit down. You know what I'm saying? Tuxedos and the one Chinese guy, fucking, he was such a good way to me in 84. Like I would go in there just to see him and to tip him because he turned me on to, all right, you guys are gonna laugh.

I don't like alcohol, but he would make me nutty Irishman, Frangelico maybe with cream, Irish cream, and a little taste of vodka. And I would do it in the afternoon back then because at three o'clock, there's Mission Impossible. So I would get a little jazzed up, smoke a half a joint and go home and watch Mission Impossible with the girlfriend. And there was a gay guy across from me

and I would teep the curtain and he'd be in there with his tongue and he'd just dance in front of fucking the window with Stevie Wonder. No, he'd dance with Stevie Wonder. Not Isn't She Lovely, one of those jams. And he would just look at himself in the mirror. He was no prize, you know what I'm saying?

Your friend wouldn't fuck him in the muffler. Just do it. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. San Francisco, transience. Everybody went to San Francisco, they were like Joey. There were people running from something else, that's why people went to San Francisco, they were like Joey. There were people running from something else, that's why people went to San Francisco.

Now it's something different, but back then in 85, I caught the end of it, it was very interesting. I loved it, I went back and I saw the change immediately. Yeah. This is how insane I am. I hate saying this story, but it's an honest. I got married, this happened to me in 85. I Got married in 89

And the night of the honeymoon I go I gotta get an eight ball. I Gotta get some coke. She was six months pregnant where she ain't going nowhere. She was snoring already in the hotel room And I got up and I went to the tenderloloin. I rented a Z200, a Nissan, like Joy Bananas. I couldn't afford that shit. But you get married, you put on the Visa card and I went to the Tenderloin and I looked around for Bambusi. That was my main Cuban dude. He was an engineer in Cuba. This guy told me shit that, you know, they filled me in on where I came from. The shit my mother never filled me in on where I came from the shit my mother never filled me in on kind of so I really like this guy and I went and somebody goes

if you're looking for bamboo see I haven't seen them but he usually hangs on this bar and whatever okay your day or something I walked in and there's bamboo see I go I need an eight ball brother he cried when he saw me we were partners that summer and we made a lot I knew his family you know we hugged and I bought an eight ball from him. When I did, it was like, I don't know. I went back to the hotel and stayed in my car with like a 12 pack of beer. And I drank and did the eight ball in the car.

I finished about six thirty in the morning, like a loser that I was. I threw the shit away and I went upstairs and walked in and she was still sleeping. I threw the shit away and I went upstairs and walked in, she was still sleeping. I just got next to her and went to bed. She never knew I left. How disgusting am I, you know what I'm saying?

You pay for your sins, cocksuckers. Mm-hmm. Fuck! That story haunts me, George. It haunts me, but it happened. When you're a fucking fiend, you're a fiend. But I got up that night to go to fucking the A's against the Yankees when they had fucking Kinseko

and his cousin, and then that night, guess what I did? No, guess what I did the next night with her? You wouldn't believe this one, motherfucker. Opening night, the Giants in San Francisco with Snowy Joey Montana at the old fucking place where if you thought you've been cold somewhere, you better check yourself, all right? Because you will free, what's the name of that plant?

Candlestick Park. Candlestick Park with the river right next to you or the ocean, you just freeze at night. Tremendous, tremendous. I lasted like a quarter and a half, and we gotta go. It's too fucking cold in here. There's a bar down the corner. I like the Giants, but I don't need to see this fucking,

I don't need to be out here being a penguin. Have you seen the guy by that park? Isn't that, they have a guy with a kayak who goes and gets the balls that go over. Like, he's done it for years. Yeah, I've seen it. and gets the balls that go over. He's done it for years. There's a few guys out there. That's crazy. So do you remember the club, Holly something,

the comedy club in downtown Toronto? I'm talking 98, 99, Comedyville, Comedyland. Oh my God, no, I got it. The guy was a magician. Comedyville. Comedyville. And your picture was on the wall there. Yes.

And there was one downtown, then he had another one uptown. And his name was the incredible Boris. Yes. And he was a hypnotist, and not a very good hypnotist. He'd bring people on stage, you know, you bring about 20 up.

He'd maybe get one or two. You know, a normal hypnotist, give 10, 15. These other people just looking at him. And he was a clean hypnotist. Do you remember he'd be like, you are on the beach right now. He'd speak like that. You're on the beach and the sand is warm, the sun is warm, and you're just drinking it in,

and you're thirsty because it's so hot out. So you order a nice frozen drink, your favorite drink, and you sip it, and people are just looking at him like. They knew it was bullshit. And he would book people, and then he'd try and get booked off of his bookings. So he'd book people to come work his club, and then be like, I should come work your club.

Like he was hypnotizing them. That was a good two weeks. I worked it, cause you have to work it two weeks in a row. It was $1,200 for two weeks. And you had to stay there for two weeks, and you lived upstairs on top of the fucking vending machine. There was a bar down below. There was a bar down below where the food was made.

And there was a Cuban neighborhood there in Toronto. They had a couple Cuban restaurants. I went there. Another education. Those were fucking nice people. Comedy would. Comedy would. That's what it was.

Comedy would. And here's the deal. they had two different clubs. You did one week at one club and one week at the other club. The one week you lived on top of a club that you shared a room with somebody else. Somebody had a door, I mean the door you could blow on it. And oh, it didn't matter, you were not safe at all up there.

Then the second week when you went there, you stayed with his cousin's house in the basement We had a big tall cousin. He had the cousin look like a mobster What do you think he did for a living? He drove hookers. Yeah, so every night he knocked on your door Hey, I got one here that's half alive. I'd give me for 40 bucks. He like dog. Come on, man Come on. Yeah, it was surreal, you know When you're a comic, man, it's so surreal, the shit that you bump into on the road.

Yeah. And at one point, you're like, I'm too old for this shit. Like, I can't do this no more. You know, now, I was, the last 20 years, I was fine. It was what I was doing on the road till 2005, 2006 that I think about now and I'm like I wouldn't have made it. I wouldn't have made it, and especially now

because there's no real bad comics on the road. There's no comics that get fucked up on the road. Not like the old days where people do an air walk, people are drinking, people ain't getting drunk on stage, people aren't pissing themselves on stage. You know, it's a different fucking animal. Yeah, dog. I used to do, the guy's name is Kippa Dada.

He pissed himself in Las Vegas on stage. Was he just drunk? He was fucked up to the gills, coked up. When you pee your pants on coke and you don't feel it, that's good coke, dog. He didn't feel it? He didn't know he was being himself? No, no.

Larry Horowitz shit himself. He took some egg salad from this first gig. They did this gig. He goes, can I take some of the egg salad? They go, whatever you want. Takes it, leaves it in the back of the car. They drive all day in the hot sun, hot sun beating down on this egg salad.

Gets to the next gig. He goes, I'm gonna eat that egg salad, you want it? As the other guy goes, no man, it's been the sun all day. Fucking pussy. Eats this whole thing of egg salad. The other guy who does MCs for about 20, Larry Horowitz, goes up, Blazer comic, you know Blazer Jewish guy. He has this big act out where he fills his face up, he's like a tomato about to burst.

Goes into that bit, shits himself from the egg salad. He has this big act out where he fills his face up, he's like a tomato about to burst. Goes into that bit, shits himself from the egg salad. And the people in the front row are going, the fuck, what the fuck? And he goes, I'll be right back. And the host comes up on stage and he's like, you okay? He said, cover me, cover me. All right everybody, Larry just took a step out.

Where did you say you're from again? Goes into that, Larry comes back, doesn't ever change his clothes, takes his blazer off, wraps it around his waist, comes back up. All right everybody, goes into the closer, finishes up, he's like, thank you so much for coming out. And he leaves, you shit his pants.

And it's like an urban legend in Canada. And they go, what's the lesson of the story? You wanna be like, don't steal egg salad, don't eat hot egg salad. The lesson of the story is always do your time. Always do it. He's still at five minutes left, you go up and you finish that five minutes.

You don't leave the other guy hanging out to dry. I had that early on. You know when you get that first good 15 minutes? Yeah. Some guy took me on the road. Great guy, great guy. But he was a boozer. And one night, I had already done my heart out.

He told me that I asked, you know when somebody says, do you got 20 minutes? Yeah, but you really got 15. Yep, you don't got. And that's if you remember something good. You got 15 and they're watching you. They're gonna pay you 150 bucks or whatever.

And Dogg, I went up there and poured my heart out, did the 20 minutes, it was great. He went up there, second show. Fucking tanked. 10 minutes in, he's like, Joey, come up here. And he fucking went to the bathroom, he puked, he peed, I had to go up there and do 15 wigs on that dog, they were really a throw shit at me.

Do you understand me? I mean that's the painful shit. That's the shit that you remember, that's what people look at you and they go, well you got lucky, I got lucky, let me tell you a story. Where a guy called me back when I had no fucking material as it was, okay, I was like hanging on to life and I got him. I was very happy but then 10 minutes in he's like,

you know, come on stage, cover for me. I was up there fucking 13 minutes, dog, come on. You sweating. I had no idea where fear is. Oh, you saying the same shit. When that sweat starts coming out and when you feel it in places you've never felt sweat before,

then you start to panic. That's the panic button right there for me. Then you gotta breathe it out, make sure you remember something good. It's fucking crazy, a life of the standup motherfuckers. See, I forgot all about that type of shit. You used to tease me, you used to be like, I'm not gonna give you the light, I'm gonna let you do 45 when I had 10.

Why not? That's the only way you learn. Oh my God. You know, one of the biggest lessons I ever had doing stand-up was my dog, Jimmy Obata in Denver. I remember living here and going, this is too much work. I gotta fuckin' bring five people. Jimmy Obata's got rooms all over the place.

He was a Mexican hustler. He had bars, taco places, fuckin' Red Robins. and didn't matter he gave me everybody give comedy a shot. Yeah, some places didn't work They have a pool table. They don't want to turn those the Denver Nugget game off they don't want to turn the Colorado hockey game on you know, and I get it and Fucking he had a room one night. He would give me he would call me on Sunday and go Tuesday. I got this He would give me, he would call me on Sunday and go Tuesday I got this, Wednesday there's a room here, I can't get you paid but I get you 15 minutes. Thursday I got a room here, he was one of those dudes.

I forever thank him. And fucking, what were we talking about? Struggle, the old ways. I tell you what. How you had to stretch. This was very interesting because I bet somebody who's done it to you and oh, they're gonna do it to you.

He was a good looking, this is 1993. He was a kid, I was a kid. You know, I was 30. And 94, I was 31 years old. And you know, these bars had women at them. And one night, one night he made me go up on stage and he goes, do 18 minutes, if you panic, let me know,

I'll work with you. Well, he was supposed to give me the light. What happened was he got in the car with some girl. He got in the car with some girl, he started making out with her and swapping spin, he forgot. I'm up there throwing heat because I'm not conscious of the time.

Do you follow me? I was having such a good time and thank God I run up there and riff for 15 or 20 minutes because then I start to panic. And then I go, okay, but at least I got my material to sit back on. And finally I saw the light and I got off and I go, Jimmy, where the fuck have you been?

He goes, Joey, you did 43 minutes. And I remember my head blowing up. What are you talking about, 43 minutes? I barely have 18. He goes, bro, you just did 43 minutes. I was, look at my fucking clock. Because in those days you had the tape recorder and the fucking stopwatch, like a fucking,

you know, nobody had phones and nobody had fuck and none of that shit. Because in those days you had the tape recorder and the fucking stopwatch, like a fucking, nobody had phones and nobody had fuck and none of that shit. We worked death, death! You know, and it's crazy, we didn't talk about this yet. You know, I had the opportunity Saturday night to open up for Tom Segura at the Garden. And it was great, it was a great honor. I had a great time.

You know, I was loose. I was nervous all day. Listen, it wasn't 2020 Joey Diaz, but I still got a little polish left in me, you know what I'm saying? And it's so weird. Lee asked me when I came in here, how was it? I'm very happy that I had the opportunity to do it. But being up on that stage, it reminded me of that comedy club you did like your sixth year of comedy. And you got that it wasn't a stage, it was a ping pong table.

And you were basically on top of the audience kind of weird. It took me right back to that Like when I was out there, I didn't see anything. All I saw was this I Just saw this and this was what got me through if I would have looked at this I would have shit my fucking pants when I looked up. I can't see so it doesn't matter. It's dark All I see is like a city That's all I see up there. Seriously. I don't see so it doesn't matter. It's dark. All I see is like a city That's all I see up there. Seriously. I don't see nothing. I just see a fucking city up there, you know But it took me back to the importance of doing shitty rooms

Like that's all I could think about was Lee and all of us how important it is that Yeah, it's great to do improvs and theaters with your friends, but I respect dudes that still go to the dungeon twice a week and work it out. Because that's the only way you get better. Anybody can go to whatever comedy club and they walk in, they're already mentally prepared

that they're gonna laugh. I want you to go to a bar, to a back room. You know, you see a guy giving a chick, giving a guy a hand job under the table. I've done all those rooms. I know you have. And it's crazy how you gotta keep doing it to stay really sharp, to remind you

of the piece of shit that you are. Like that's when you fucking walk out and go, hmm, next time I cash this check, I'm gonna put a mask on, so I don't even know, because I'm a fraud, you know what I'm saying? Like I'm a fraud. Because that's what that mentality does to you.

And for me, I always had, I spoke to Rich Voss, and he said he bumped into Felipe at the Houston, whatever, and he goes, Felipe said to send you his love, and I gotta call him, and we were talking, and I go, you know, Felipe was one of those guys that gave me 80 bucks a week.

That's 320 a month, right? You're like, Joey, I'll give you 320 a month just to fucking light your cigarette or whatever. No, Felipe, this is 40 bucks from $40, was $40. You know what I'm saying? When you're like, wait a second, this is a bucks and 40 dollars, was 40 dollars. You know what I'm saying? When you're like, wait a second, this is a little fucked up here. But him and Willie Barsena had Tuesday,

Wednesday and Thursday. If you showed up, they gave you a burrito and 40 dollars. And that started the night off. At least you got a 25 dollar bag of Coke and gasoline money to get you back to the comedy store. And you still had other stops. Like I learned, I cut my teeth on the Mexican rules. Get two tacos and do 15 minutes and they give you 25 bucks.

And on the way back to the comedy store, we just make stops. It was like picking up little envelopes, 25 here, 35 there, but at the end of the night, I'm back at the store with a buck and a quarter. That's fucking big, five nights a week when you're, Fridays, no, Saturdays you gotta work on your own. But these motherfuckers had, they were such hustlers.

They had all those rooms that you had to work from a dungeon out, you follow me. It's spotty, they're drunk, you know, and you gotta work yourself out, that's real work. And that's what I always think about now, I gotta get myself one of those rooms. I gotta get involved in one of those rooms, you might get hit with a fucking can.

Yeah, chicken wings, coins, I had everything thrown at me. It's fun for me now, cause like I'm in my eighth year, so like now I'm just starting to like, the first time I was in those rooms, I would like not do well But now like I'm seeing like that I'm doing better like and that those rooms have like helped in like heckler situations at like clubs it's like and what Nick is here and I Just said it I was kind of stealing one of Joey's lines

But at parks like a huge show for me 1500 people I had my fly down on a screen the size of the Madison Square Garden and this woman said like pointed it out and apparently I said I'm gonna leave I thought I just said I'm gonna leave it down Nick said I'm gonna leave it down bitch and I did I left it down the whole set and it did a big laugh. But it was like, it's crazy how, I guess the hard rooms give you confidence. I don't know. The winner hard room is working out with a weighted vest.

That's my comparator. If you do three hard rooms a night and you go one out of two, one out of three, you know what I'm saying? Like the other people are drunk. There's a lot of variables in those rooms. There's people shooting pool. There's people who are there to get a package.

There's people who are there to get a cheeseburger. There's people who are there to watch whatever the season is, whatever, baseball, college basketball, they're there. Some people go, listen, I got 50 people here that wanna watch college basketball. I'm sorry, I can't turn it on. You gotta fight through that.

And you go up there and you start fucking around and next thing you know, or when you go up there, you gotta go up there with a different mindset. If they're eating and I'm going up there cold, all I want them to acknowledge me. I'm not even going for a laugh. I just want them to eat their steak and look up and go, hmm, and go back to acknowledge me. I'm not even going for a laugh. I just want them to eat their steak and look up and go, mm, and go back to the steak.

If I get them to do that, I already won this battle. Next week when I come back, I'm gonna get them to eat, look at me, and breathe one time. And go, what is this guy talking about? And by the third week, it's the same much. The room I started at, Tuesday nights I was the house MC, it was the same people, because they gave you $15.95. They gave you a prime rib and a potato

and a fucking thing of that dirty shrimp, emboldened. Remember the broker in. So I loved that place. That place taught me how to do comedy, because I had to go out in front of the same people every week. So every week I had to come up with seven minutes. Seven minutes I had to go out in front of the same people every week, so every week I had to come up with seven minutes. Seven minutes I had to come up with.

I would stay up all night Monday. Monday night I wouldn't even sleep. Tuesday afternoon I would stay up and go do that show and that's how important it was to me. They give me $100 a week. I did that job for 16 months. Then I pushed the fucking manager to the bookshelf because I had enough of that concept.

I did five the other night. Saturday night I did five. First four just ripping, rolling, going, what am I doing in these clubs? I should be big time. Then the fifth set comes up. The host sucks, he goes, go up there and wake him up I go that was your job. So I go up there dad. They don't know what common

I'm doing shit that kills out of the gate. They're staring at me Like I just fingered one of their daughters, you know, just looking at me like what the fuck is this guy say? And there's a brother over there just on his phone the whole time. I go. What are you doing? You're just gonna stay on your phone the whole time. I go, what are you doing? You just gonna stay on your phone the whole time? He looks at me and goes, pfft. Just keeps going on his phone. Two girls are with him and they're kinda giggling. I go, what's your problem?

What's your fucking problem? He goes, why does everything have to be gay? And I go, what do you mean? He goes, they're laughing whenever you do gay jokes. They're laughing. I'm like, yeah, that's the world now. It's gay. Did you not catch wind of that?

And some guy goes, that's true, my brother's trans. And just yells it out. And then all of a sudden the brother is on the phone and he goes, yo man, ask if the brother got a pussy. And I go, your brother got a pussy? He goes, yeah. Yeah, brother got a pussy. And I go, your brother got a pussy? He goes, yeah. Yeah, brother got a pussy. He goes, yo man.

And he puts his phone away and he gets into the show, 13 minutes in, he goes, ask him what the pussy tastes like. I go, what's your brother's pussy taste like? He goes, I don't know. And then everybody comes together off this guy that hated me. That's the show. That you think it's gonna maybe turn into a fight and then all of a sudden it comes around. No, that's what people like. Yeah. That's a show. That you think it's gonna maybe turn into a fight

and then all of a sudden it comes around. No, that's what people like. Yeah. That's what people like. They leave, they're going, man, you didn't do a joke. No. You didn't do a joke. You went there for 45 minutes just banging.

You didn't even do a joke. Yeah. You got off there going, ooh, wow, that was fucking amazing. And you're just trying to survive up there. You're just trying to turn them. You got some dates coming up? What do I got? I'll be in Florida at some point.

Key West, I don't go nowhere good, man. It's gonna be Florida, comedy Key West. I'm gonna be doing that Marco Island place. What's it with the captain guy that wears a suit? What's his name? Captain Brian. Captain Brian. Captain Brian. Off the hook in Naples, I'm gonna be there.

And then I'm around New York City all the time. You're on Gutfeld a lot? No, I'm on Jimmy Fallah, Fox News, Saturday nights. Okay. No, no Gutfeld? No, I haven't done Gutfeld. Who the fuck, what did you do, that's it, Fiala? Fox News, Jimmy Fallah.

You're a Fox dude. Regular on there. Thank God. Regular on there. We need more Fox dudes. He watches me all the time. it, Viola? Fox News, Jimmy Fallon. You're a Fox News. Regular on there. Thank God. Regular on there. We need more Fox News. He watches me all the time. Yeah, we need more Fox News. What's up with you, Lee Syatt? Where you at this week, my little pigeon glove?

Fourth and fifth, I'm at the New York Comic Club in Stanford with Josh Wolfe. Very excited. This weekend? Yes. Right, keep an eye out for Lee Syatt, he's making moves. He used to be the director from Israel, now he's making it happen in other venues.

And I wanna congratulate him. I wanna congratulate him. I'm doing the dojo next Wednesday, the ninth I think, the day is Wednesday. This week, what's Tuesday? Wednesday is the second times seven plus seven, that's nine. April 9th, and we're still doing moon tower and that's it and that's that guys.

I'm happy that you came on today, different flavor, we got a nice New York young nice comic. We got the other Jewish flavor over there, Lee Syatt, look at him. That's so funny, the other Jewish flavor. That's the other Jewish flavor. No, Aaron's the other one, mine is the normal. Relax, Lee, it's a joke.

What do you mean relax? No matter where you got to go. If you're out there just listening to the podcast and you picture a Jew, draw a picture of a Jew, it's okay. It's gonna look more like me than it looks like Aaron. Yeah, it is. There's no Jews that look like Aaron. He looks like Nazi propaganda.

I really do. No. He looks like fucking the like Nazi propaganda. I really do Looks like fuck yeah, that's it's on a plane. Yeah the rapper Khalid It looks like he should have his fingers together I saw you I was doing mushrooms. I looked at you at one point. I'm like, what's DJ Khalid doing there? That's Lee Siler. All I do is Vin, Vin, Vin the mother fucker. I love you motherfuckers, have a great week.

We'll see you next Tuesday. Tip Top Magoo, and don't forget, Blue Chew to keep that little helmet strong. And boom, Bayer with the tremendous flavors. They got every different color, every, and listen, they taste good and they take you where you need to go. And that's Uncle Joey Deal. I'm laying on you right now. Stay Black, have a great week. And that's it. Support my man, Aaron Berg and my little brother over there, Lee Syatt, and I'm Joe Diaz, the old goat in the room, but I love you.

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