Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - CVS gives you diabetes

Episode Date: September 2, 2025

Joey Diaz gives up on Lee Syatt for going to the Renaissance Faire, baked special brownies that were strong enough to take him down, announced the launch of a weekly NFL game companion streamed LIVE on his Youtube and X, and much more!   SHOW NOTES   Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew for free. Just pay $5 for shipping. Use promo code JOEY at https://www.bluechew.com   Support the show, download the DraftKing Sportsbook app and press in code JOEY. New customers bet $5 and get $300 in bonus bets instantly. Plus, get over $200 off NFL Sunday Ticket from YouTube and YouTube TV.

What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here with the Cato Caelin of podcasting Lee Syatt for another fun-filled episode of the church of what's happening now, new edition. It's Tuesday, September the 2nd, the rent is due, and nobody wants to hear no excuses. You know what I'm saying? It's over. You had your cheeseburgers, you jumped up and down all weekend, now it's reality time. And the next four months are the real dear holy field.

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Kick this motherfucker, Mealy. We're back, Jack. What's happening, beautiful people. Anyway, what's up, Lee? Sometimes I know you're going to fuck with me. And it's like an early Christmas gift. I'm going to give to you. Do you want it now or do you want it in a little bit? What? Like I know

I did something this week and then you're you might this might be the last podcast. I could just imagine what did you do? What stupid stuff did you do? And it was actually not bad but I just you're in my head I went I went to the Renaissance Fair for the first time. I know you did. Did you dress up like an idiot? No I didn't do that. Did you get a turkey leg? I did not. I was going to. I was going to but it looked like fucking stupid but it was

dude it was Lee you're done you might as well not for me you could come on the podcast every Monday oh thank you you personally you're done it's over you might as well just it's over what's done I went for one for six hours

I will say it was pretty fun although you would have I feel like the Indian remember when we were kids the Indian when they saw the litter and he was crying he had a little tear in his eye it's over what's over I feel like that Indian

I'm surprised I tears not going to come out of my eye right now. You would have had a good time. Yeah, yeah, dressed up with a bunch of Bavarians fucking walking around with a sword. You should have seen all the people. Grown fucking men with swords. A lot of them. And a lot of those women, those suck dick because you brought your girlfriend.

So what good is it? Those Bavarian women, you walk around with a sword. Hey. They suck your helmet. Oh, they had a lot. You brought your girlfriend with you and that dirty and stinky too. I was mad that I never went when I was a single chubby dude who likes chubby girls. because they, dude, it was...

And they're all retarded. Those girls, you can talk them into anything. You could talk them into anything. Listen, we'll come to my house. We'll take a flight to France tonight. But they're, like, freaky. They have, like, leather stuff. They're like...

Oh, yeah. They're fucking bona fide freaks. Runaways. They run away from somewhere. I was going to say, they didn't look like they were running a lot. They ran away from the Chinese, their house, the Russians. They ran away from them. Oh.

Dude, you should have gone because it was... I wouldn't fucking go. You have to go for five minutes. I wouldn't fucking go to that shit. I lived in Colorado and there was one... Not in Boulder. There was one like in a... Not in Boulder.

It was up in like Longmont, where all those animals lived. Now Longmont's like beautiful and shit. But 30 years ago it was like animals and people with warrants. People wouldn't be allowed in Florida. I lived in Longmont. And fucking they had that.

shit. I remember how to go pick up a car one day, and I sat there going, what the fuck is? I'm from Jersey. Who comes to this shit? They're out there, yay, yay, with swords. Oh, they have a lot. They have the sticks and they fuck them. Oh, that was cool. They had jousting. I did see jousting with the horses. That was the best part is they had jousting. The rest of it, like I did archery too. I shot a bow and arrow. I did actually pretty good. Oh, yes. No, I didn't. I shot a target.

But, dude, there were some fucking, like, just people with, like, masks. Like, there was basically, like, furry. It wasn't just. They're crazy. Yeah. And they all in a sudden. But they're having a great time. And I felt bad making fun of them because, like, they're not messing with anybody.

No, they're not messing nobody. They're nice people. You know, it's 80 degrees and you're dressed up with a fucking joust soup. Something ain't right on a Sunday. And they take it real serious. Maybe your kids don't love you. I don't know. goes there? If you got a family, who goes there? There were a lot of families there.

I know. Participant, but not people like, it's like, it's like a flying circus for dirty white people. Right. Okay. You ever go like a circus and there's always a chick with the missing hand and the guy with the one eye who can see through the wall? You're like the bearded woman and the fat man. I would love to see your, your sounds like a much better circus. The person with the missing hand. Whatever. They always got some freak show. Yeah. Yeah, they were. and like they were just going around like oh this is one that I thought you would have killed people people paid to go in and do a pub crawl there so they were just walking around in a line of like 30 people and like they would take they took a bathroom break we were smoking a joint and we were just

watching them and they were taking a bath like a break and waiting for people to go to the bathroom they were telling jokes and this one old guy was there and probably told like six of the dirtiest like hand job jokes around like kids and like old people and was like bombing on the pub but they paid money to go drink beer at this right in costume the guy was doing stand-up no he was doing like knock-knock jokes on a microphone no just out and out in a group of people like five or six people like hey pub crawl hey pub crawl hey pub crawl and then they go and then they take turns doing jokes and this one guy I could just because I I see it at open mics all the time but I can just tell that he wants to do stand-up but just basically told us you should have done an open game a lesson I did

think about the Bavarians you could have gone on the Bavarian tour and done all the festivals eat with a turkey leg in your hand and a VD cure than the other you know I'm saying I don't I got the woman there even if I was single the women like they're the kind of women they're like they're kind of tough like they're probably beat me up just defined tough because they had they're like come out of the car huh you get too I don't know I've never thought about throwing anybody out of the car before. If they act up, you kick them out of the car.

Is the car moving? No, you're talking to them on the block. Yeah, it's moving. Why kick somebody out of the car if the car's sitting there? Oh, but they were just like, I don't know. Do you remember, did you ever meet milkshake? Or yeah, I just told you about milkshake in L.A. No, I never met milkshick.

I just got the optical loose. Six foot 300. There were a lot of those. But you told me you broke the bed. Yeah, we broke the bed. That was a, that's fucking tremendous. That is. That's an accomplishment.

That, will you break a bed, fuck. and that's got to be. I'm not a good fucker, so. Me either, I was just big. I'm a good either, but I'm not a good fucker. No, I didn't say I was good at it, but I did, this was, like, part of my heaviest, or on the way there, and this girl in L.A. was 300-ish.

Her grandpa was a lineman in the NFL, and you could tell, like, it was his descendants. And I had to get, I bought on Amazon, like, metal reinforced legs for my bed, because I had wooden legs on my bed, and there was just one night I'd heard crunch. and then like as you go up and down the bed so my neighbor started to complain so I had to buy reinforced legs

but I still got probably like 50 pounds after her and she broke the bed I don't want to put it on her I think I was probably involved too you're a big man for saying that thank you yeah it wasn't just all on her so you were in the middle of having sex and the bed just broke yeah did you at least break character

and look at each other and go or did you just keep bucking knocking it all Probably still, and we, like, I didn't fix it then either. Like, it took a couple of weeks. Like, I'm cheap. I don't want to fix it. You're going to break a little over again. Well, I tried to put the leg back.

Like, I would try to put the wooden one back. And I tried to, like, and screw that one in. Like, I tried everything I could to save the $12 on the legs on Amazon. But it didn't work. And they started to knock on the ceiling. I was like, fuck, I got to fix this thing. I never did that. Like, the only time that I was fucking embarrassed was I used to date a girl and she had a

And I was about, 91, I was 28, 29. And they were like 24. They had just graduated from Kansas. And it was, all three of them, I graduated from Kansas. Right. And they knew each other at Kansas. And my girl was cute, but the fucking other girl was really cute, and she was Asian, and she was a nasty bitch.

And he would fuck her at night, I'd have to cover my girlfriend's ears. I was so embarrassed. He was rocking that side of the house. Rocking that side of the house. Oh, damn. I couldn't rock it like that. Yeah, that does suck. Eight times and I just look at it like.

Yeah, I think I'm quick. I'm not one of those Charlie. Oh, no, that's rough with a roommate. The whole fucking house was rocking. Like, I'd have to do three luge and an eight ball to get my dick to work like that. I'm surprised you didn't just like leave the house and be like, like, want to go get like an ice cream or something like that? I would cover her ears.

I wouldn't let her listen to this because if I was abroad and I heard somebody fucking like that, I just get up later. You know how black girls put the hand in your face? I don't know if they still do that. What's the name? Carly B, whatever. Cardi B. Yeah.

If I was Carly B, you're like, with this big ass? Yeah. I'm gonna lay here with a three-pump Joey. Shit. I'm going next door and getting some real dick. Move over, China Wu. I'm getting on top of that fucking pogo stick. China Wu.

Yeah. She was Korean, though, but she smelled Chinese. She smells Chinese. Oh, my God. She's a good egg. They were good eggs, man. That was a wild, wild time in my life. Wild.

Like I had gotten separated in October, and I stayed single as a fucking judge. Like, I didn't even look at another woman. I was separating. I was Catholic. I was still doing Coke. No. I was kind of clean at that time. just come back from New York, where George and I did a 10-day stint in a white detective car.

That was always a great one trying to go to Harlem and get a bag of weed. I didn't even know. When I rented it, it hurts. They gave me this car, and I'm like, this looks like a cop car. That's hysterical. Until I went to the fucking city, and I'm driving around the city, hey, what do you got? Nothing for you? What the fuck?

Did it have the light and everything on the front? No. It was just had was a white cop car. Oh, no. And I'm going to take George. Please help me out. I can't buy nothing. I'm flashing $300 bills.

I'm fucking, I got go watch. Nobody wants to help me. That's hysterical. By Yankee Stadium. I had to go to Yankee Stadium. How long did it take you to realize that it was a car? Honestly? Yeah.

Like two days. I was so fucked up. I didn't even know. I went to hard those weeks. Because I remember I stayed out of North Bergen for like six nights. I was here for 10 days, probably September 10th, like the 20th. and I had these, I had tons of credit cards that I had never used. And my wife said, take a credit card and go have some fun.

And I was like, fun. And I'm like, I only got like three cash. And then I discovered cash advances. And they, you know, they're like worse than a loan shark. But I didn't give a fuck. I was picking, I was taking $100 out of every day, buying Coke in the daytime, and then taking another hundred at night. I got back. I lasted about a month, and that's when she said, she only gets separate.

I didn't do shit for two months. December 18th was when she told me I'm dating. I go, are you dating motherfucker? That's all I need. That same night, I went and won a contest and got a package and started working this fucking waitress. I worked for like three days before Christmas. She's like, I got a boyfriend. After breakfast, after I took her to breakfast. She said, I got a boyfriend. I'm like, Hotter than fuck. I went back to the club that night, and I met another girl. And we started talking, and she goes, I'm going home for Kansas. When I get back, I'll call you.

And I'm like, this chick ain't going to call me. She fucking called, like, the 3rd of January. Nice. And it was that girl. And she went back. Her father owned the fucking hotel. Oh. He owned four of them.

And I did comedy at the one. I'm like, I'm going. And she was living at the hotel, like, Zaja Gabor at the time. And her girlfriend was living at the hotel. And at first, I hadn't dated nobody in six years. I didn't even know how to act. But you didn't even want to, like, date, date. You wanted to hook up.

So we would do comedy on Tuesdays, and her and I would, and 20 waiters. This is why I love comedy. This is the thing about comedy you love. It wasn't a comedy club, but at that time it was run by, like one. Right. Just Tuesday nights, and we would all go there. We'd do comedy. We closed that bar, which closed at 12, and then we'd go out in Boulder.

and we go to a karaoke place over by the other side of Boulder. I'll never forget going in there and listening to Michael Jackson with them and some of them were just regular drinking. Half of us were doing Coke. Like the other half was doing Coke already. What half were you?

And I started dating this girl, like January. Like just taking out to dinners and everything was going well at the time. All the credit cards were in full effect. So I'm out every fucking night with this chick. I'm at the... She owned a... Her family owned the broker in, in Boulder,

but they had four different banks, four different restaurants. One of the restaurants, guys, was one of the finest ideas I ever went to my wife in my life. It was called the broker-woman's bank. I don't think you can look it up. I think they sold it like 30 years ago. First of all, this restaurant, as soon as you walked in,

my boys in Vegas give you a French rise. Oh, yeah. Right? S-T-K. S-T-K, whatever. the steakhouse. Yeah. To give you French fries.

Chinese people give you the noodles to dip. Great. This place gave you a big bowl of peeling each shrimp. What? For free? Now I don't want it. Like now I normally ship blood and get Katrina germs. But 30 years ago, when you're dating a chick,

and you're trying to impress them, they show up with a fucking shrimp bowl. Any of the four restaurants you went to, as soon as you got there, what are you drinking? Whiskey tonic, whatever, soda. Boom. They come right back with bread and a fucking bowl of shrimp. I've never even seen that before.

With fucking floating cocktail sauce. Cocktail sauce. It was nice setup. All the restaurants were cool. Let me talk to you about the woman's bank. The woman's bank was a bank. So you ate in the fucking rooms where you take the money out in the vaults. Oh, shit.

Dog, talk to me. That's badass. It was a curtain. This is 1991. At 92, let's take it down, and there was already had curtains, so the guy would knock. Oh, I'm bringing in the steaks, okay, open. And then he'd leave, and you could get back to fucking and sucking. We were snorting there for dessert, though.

No, you wouldn't. Yes, I would. I went there until about 1995. Why did you stop calling? Because I fell in love with that restaurant, the concept of going to a restaurant, eating the steak, a guy closed the curtain, you take a gram of blowout, and you do three fucking for desserts, and then they, espresso and a heineken and you're hot to try you're in fucking it wasn't downtown

Denver it was like because he had them all over yeah like downtown south Denver this fucking was brilliant this was brilliant and the restaurant in boulder was known for there was a place up the corner and you can look this fucking thing up and george is my witness there was a place called it was on Arapahoe boulevard and it was called what was it Friday FAC, it was called the Friday afternoon club. And it was a hotel because every single person, this is the fucking 80s. And what's the name of it?

Still there. The Boulder Broker in. Yeah, it's in Boulder. But they sold it 18 times. And they were 70 years, restaurant. No, he's talking about the Friday afternoon club. No, the Friday afternoon club is. But broke, yeah, broker's still there because I reached out to them.

They reached out to me. Waits there. And they're like, hey, we're young, we go to college. Would you ever consider doing a show here? And I'm like, fuck, yeah. Oh, that'd be great. And they reached out and they're the fuck and they cabashed it. Old banking from 1910 banks. They combashed it because I threw the fucking manager against the bookshelf. When? In the 90s? That's how I got fired from that job. And they won't, are you serious? Well, you know. Is he still there? I don't think so. Dog, we ran, you understand that was my open mic days. That was the very beginning. getting an open mic. And I didn't know how to act. I won the contest December 18th and January

3rd they made me the house MC. And every Tuesday I would be there for 18 months. And I'll never forget, like after I was there eight months, if you guys know anything about me, after I was there for 18 months, I basically did what I want. They hadn't all you could eat lunch. And I would just go to every day. The soups were the best in the country. But they had homemade rice, crispy trees. I would eat the whole tray. The lady would come out and go, Joey, I made your fresh batch. That's how I was juiced in there. I could, even after her and I broke up, I go to that hotel at night and go, I need a room. And there's a room around the back. You know what room it is. Clean up the sheet and leave a 50 for the waitstaff, for the, for the thing. I can go back

there, snor coke, nobody would know by myself. I had that fucking place wired. I knew the chefs. I knew the wait staff. I knew the whole tie at eight point. So think of the last eight months. I was just doing, I still remember New Year's Eve, there was a band, and I talked them into paying me like $300. Like, I was a big shot, $300 on New Year's Eve, after doing comedy two years, and I talked them into, they paid me $300 to bomb.

I still remember people were trying to get on the elevator. Me and my buddies were on the fourth floor with the alarm on snort and coke, and people were banging on the elevator for 30 minutes. we came down to the first floor and everybody was there the fire department the fucking and we come out with powder all over our face

it was insane what we were doing there so the last three months they really wanted me out they just were looking for an excuse and the elevator wasn't it the elevator was still there but I wasn't doing but that seems like an excuse to kick you out I did the craziest

things in there I was swapping spit with a chick one night fucked up by the ice cube machine and something made me look at the ice cube machine and something made me look at the ice cube machine and I popped my head up and I took an ice cube and I just opened the pants and put the ice cube in a pussy

and then took it out and popped in my mouth and started swap and spit with that chick almost fainted you know what I was only 20 I was only 30 I was doing crazy shit like that that woman almost fainted she's like I never did something like that before I did some crazy stuff in that hotel and forgive me because was this the hotel

that your ex-girlfriend lived at too At the time, all right, she lived in there from December, January, and then February, and maybe March. Then she found an apartment. And when did you guys break up? We didn't. I kept dating her in that apartment. Okay. This is going to take you deep.

So this is 92, and she's living upstairs with the Korean girl, and they're living in this apartment. And I'm dating the brunette, and this is a crazy story. and the other kids dating the Korean girl. And we're double dating. They're coming to my comedy shows. And I'm falling in love with this girl. I was after my divorce. She was the only sanity I had.

I was just getting yelled at every time I talked to my ex-wife. This girl, and she didn't know I did drugs, guys. And when I got too gacked up, I would just cancel on it. If I went out while she was waitressing, because her father made a waitress. She was no manager. Her father made a waitress. So I would go out while she was waitressing to do comedy and other things.

If I got too fucked up, she'd whatever, call me at home and I'd tell her I, I'm too tired. I'd be fucked up with a chick in the house. But I knew she was a drink so she wouldn't come over. Like, I lived in Arvada then, 40 minutes away from Boulder. I was living with my cousin, George Cuelo, right? You know the guys never met. His name is Al Cuello. I grew up with him as a kid.

He had a bad pill problem. I would sit in the living room. I would sit. I'm sorry. This more guy, let you live with him. I would sit in the living room in the daytime, at night, watching Goodfellas or something, and he waited for his wife to go to sleep,

and then he looked for the pills he died, and he forget where he put him, and I'd move him around. You know, you know, I needed somebody else to torture once. I didn't see George anymore, and he would come down the stairs, Nick, he would come down the stairs, fucked up. And he would wait for his wife to fall asleep.

And he'd come down the stairs and his wife put little vases, like little candle things, but the candles would run out. And he would hide the pills in them. And he would come down every step and go, he had like nine steps. Why was he hiding the pills? Because his wife was a pillhead. So they were hiding pills from each other.

This is a dog. You cannot believe this shit when I got into it. So my only sense, Manly was this girl until I could finally fucking own an apartment or something. I was divorced. My wife took my fucking silverware and everything. So I was, I think, no, no, I'm lying to you guys. I wasn't living without yet.

I was still in my apartment with nothing. A TV on a milk crate, and I sat on a milk crate. And there was a VCR. And I had a bed with no box spring. No box spring. It was just a mattress thrown on the floor with a sheet that I now. never washed. Oh.

And a sheet on top of me and a pillow that I just flipped over every other month. Come on, dog. I'm 30. I'm single. You want me to tell you I'm, you know, Michael Jordan that my house was immaculate? I never cooked in that house. I never did nothing. Thank God.

So I never brought anybody over there. I would just go to this girl's house. So I got into comedy. I was doing well at the club, meeting people. And fucking at a wedding in August, this girl says to me, I'm moving back to fucking New York. Like after a year and a half. Does that out of nowhere?

I don't know where. She goes, I took a job with a PR company in New York City. And I'm like, what? But in the back of my head, I'm happy. But in the meantime, me and the Korean girl had become tired of the motherfucker. Friends. The girl wanted, she was

into comedy, so she'd go to my comedy shows with me. We went to see Seinfeld, went to see somebody else. And then she needed a job. And I'm like, come work with me, selling cards. That bitch was me and her were banging out in that place 14 cars a month She would sell 14 cars a month

So we kind of got tight So this nice girl at this wedding Tells me she's leaving like September 8th and 92 She's moving to New York And I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do without it? But you ain't going to believe that China Wu's boyfriend

He decides he wants to go into Masters to get his master's his degree, but at Washington State. And China Wu told him, I ain't going to let you're Washington State. I don't like fucking Seattle. So I'm like... Dun-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

They both left in September to go back to their prospective things. And her and I stayed tight friends, like friends. And then like two months later, I went to do comedy with her one night. And she was Korean. When she drank, she lost her fucking mind. And to top it off, she was a... fucking 12 and one night in the car she goes rip off my shirt I'm like dog she's like

rip off every sheet of clothes on me and fuck me and I did it and then I go how are you going to go into the club with me she goes I won't I'm gonna wait and she put my winter jacked on and just took a nap in the accurate and I came back out though he was crazy and when I brought her home her gay brother was living with her and I didn't know that the brother was coming from kansas I'll never forget walking up with her. And our shirt was ripped. Beautiful, brand new shirt. And he looked at and he goes,

you're up to that again, aren't you? And I'm like, ooh! I thought this chick was crazy. And she had the white boy confused. But she knew I was crazy. So she took me into the deep waters of the underworld. And then she's like, I want to do this cocaine shit with you. And that was, I don't have to say what happened after that, though.

We went on like a three-month tear. Dog, she would pick up. It would be me and her. and we pick up my daughter. Like, I wouldn't bring it to see my wife. Like, that's how much, I was in, I was in, the white girl was done. I didn't want to see it. I only talked to her out of like, I don't even know what I'm talking to you.

You're in New York, you know, why are you still here? Right. Because I got the Korean girl, and we're doing shit that you never even dreamed of doing. The Korean girl was crazy, and she just moved into my house. It was fucking insane. With Al? Or your old house? Now I was living with a roommate of my, Maddie.

and she was always there at night. She would just come over and put his shirt on and walk around naked. I'm like, oh, my God. And I'm 30, I'm 29. How long after the divorce? A year, and nobody knew. I kept on the hush, hush.

But to have a hot girlfriend is like, you're like, God has answered my prayers. She comes to me in December and says, I got bad news. Oh, no. I go, tell me you're pregnant, because I'll marry you right now. Fuck.

I need a baby mama like you to keep me on my toes. She goes, no, I got a job in Korea. Translating for $20,000 a month. That's a pretty good job. Bro, I was fucking heartbroken. Yeah. Hard broken. And in the meantime, I'm calling him for support,

and he's never home. Where's George? We don't know. Fuck is George. Call tonight. I'm calling him for four or five weeks. He's never fucking home. And I left, Grandma, come to call me, okay.

And finally, like, I called him, and his mother goes, he's fucking nuts. Come back here, help me out with the Savage, and the rest was history. Then I came back here, and I hooked up with the white girl in the city. She knows nothing. We're in love, like nothing happened. And I'm having a great time, because she lives in the West Village on 15th Street in a prime little apartment. Her and a girlfriend rent an apartment, $1,500 a month. I had a bang her in the kitchen, and a little floor on my house.

knees. It was just little. I remember when I was banging and a mouse went by. I'm like, oh my God, this is my type of party. Another night, oh, do I got a story for you. I go over there. They used to do comedy on 15th Street and Broadway. She lived right next door to Susan Sarandon. Susan Sarandon and the actor lived right next door. And it was Manhattan Honda was on the corner and down the corner was 15th Street and it was Goodfellers Pizza. And there There was a bar across the street that did comedy. So I would go to her house, eat pizza, and then we'd go do comedy. It was Bukwild.

One night, I decided to take my friends from North Bergen over there. You know the one. God damn it. The one that makes you feel all right? You know what I'm saying? I take him over there. That dude. I take him over there.

He's gotcha. Jack, Jacks, drinking Heinekins. I'm like, look at my boy and shit. And next thing you know, he's making out with a girl. She had a thing. You know when girls put the thing on their head and they have long hair? He came out of the backstage wearing it and gave a zero fucks politician in our hometown. That's how fuck that.

And he's like, this place is fun. And I'll never forget that there was a hot, I mean a hot black shit. This is 1990, this is 1993, and there's a black dude. And he's working this fucking, working this chick. And the girl kept saying, I'm telling you, I'm a comedian, I want to be single. And he'd be like, what's your man got to do with me? And he kept saying it to her. Like, listen, I mean, he was.

And what would she say? Like, she's like, God damn it, I can't get away from these guys. Because we love you, sister. What's your man got to do with me? And then she finally said, I got a man. I'm engaged. What's your man got to do with me? That's a crazy thing that is.

And I think you got to go get pizza with him and shit. But that was the best night. I just remembered that. But in this whole scheme of things, this girl's in Korea. Oh, Jesus Christ. And now I'm in love with the white girl. I'm living in Clipside. I'm taking the bus over there.

I'll never forget I was broke. That's why I robbed the chick with the barbecue because I was going over there to take her out. So everything was getting along I would go over there once a week Take it, we'll get pizza We'd do comedy Maybe two nights a week

I'd give her stabbing Because she had a She had a roommate And I didn't have a place to take her Do you know I get a call one day Things are going great I'm driving a limo I'm doing spots in the city

At least I got a little income guys I'm snorting coke I'm having the time of my life I get a call from the Korean girl I just want to let you know I'll be in New York on Tuesday and I'm staying with Julie and I'm like

oh shit and then Mike coked out 30 year old mine I'm thinking threesome in this motherfucker okay and Julie's the white girl Julie's the white girl okay the other girl's the Korean girl

so I call my friend Stinky because he's good looking and I go you're coming with me to the city and Stinky was one of those dudes that he was so good looking at the time He didn't get, you know, like he didn't even pay attention. I don't ever forget.

The Korean girl goes, I go, what do you girls want to do? And the Korean girl, we're driving. The Stinky's driving. Well, on Broadway, me and him just picked up like two-eight balls. They don't know it. The girls don't know it. We picked up the Coke first, then we picked them up. And we're driving, and the girl goes,

I go, what do you girls want to do? And the one Asian girl goes, how about we buy a beer with a brown bag and stand on the corner? And Glenn Conti looks at something. He goes, How about I pull over and throw you out? And he goes, I ain't standing on no corner. He was already, he was like, no, I don't want them in the car.

And now she wants to stand in the corner with a fucking, you know, brown bag. Like to be cool, that's not going to happen. If you want, I'll pull over. You can stand in the corner all night if you want. So we went to a couple clubs. It didn't. It didn't click. You could feel there was something in the air.

Did both girls think they were on a date with you at this time? I was with the white girl. Okay. And I brought Glenn to talk to the Chinese girl, the Korean girl. So the night ends great. We drop them off. I make plans that the white girl to come into the city. I meet her at CBS building.

She worked right by CBS with a fountain, whatever. Because one time I brought her roses and the alarm system went off. I went through the back door and the alarm system went off. I had to run down the stairs out. Dog, please. We do this thing. I hook up with the white girl. We go out front of date.

I go, where's the Korean? She goes, she's with her somewhere in Brooklyn, with her family. She's leaving Sunday. I'm like, all right. So now I'm trying to get a hold of the Korean to see if I could dig into that again. And I get a hold of the Korean,

but dog, she ain't budging. I'm like, why don't you come over? I take you to Rudy's, whatever. Okay. I go over, I take the girl out, and I'm trying to work this Asian chick. Sunday night I call the white chick and I go, did the Korean leave?

And she goes, yeah, she went back to Korea. Or she's going to Kansas to see her family and she's going to Korea. She was adopted. Monday, I'm driving a limo. I just drop a motherfucker off. And I'm on 9W picking up the reels, the 4 to 530 news.

He would pick it up on Edgewater. Edgewater. Fort Lee, you would pick up, they would pay me 35 bucks. You pick up the evening news and you bring it to CBS or NBC or whoever. And I'll never forget, I go to make the left turn and the white girl calls me crying. And she's like, you motherfucker, I can't believe what you did to me. You've been cheating with her. And I go, who the fuck told you that? She goes, she just called me and ratted you out and herself out. She goes, I'm never going to talk to her again. I'm not going to talk to you again and hung up on me. The other week later I brought a flowers, that's from the alarm system.

I never want to back. End the story. I go back to Boulder. I'm doing comedy. 18 months, I don't hear from nobody. I'm doing comedy. I meet a stripper in Michigan. She tells me she wants to go to Seattle.

She comes to meet me first, whatever. We hook up. She goes to Seattle, gets an apartment. I follow her. I'm there. Eight months, bro. I'm in the fucking you district. Do you guys see where this is going?

Oh, no. I'm in the fucking you district. And it's 1996. And I just hooked up with my weed girl from Boulder from 1985 at a supermarket. She was 70 and he was 30. But she had so much money. He just kept fucking and fell in love. She smells.

She was old. I go to her house to buy weed because I'm going to that movie theater. I'm right in the U district. The U district is the fucking university district where Bruce Lee had a kung fu school and everything. I crossed the fucking thing. And as I cross to go get whatever,

who's pumping gas in this car? Paul, the Korean girl's fiancee, the dude who went to Washington State to get his master. The original? Oh shit. Oh, because you're in Seattle now. Four years later, I forgot all about Washington. I'm looking, he's looking at me, bro. As I walk up to him, I put my hand out and dog, this is two years later.

This kid started crying, but you don't understand how much I loved. I can't believe you fucked her. I loved her. He goes, I was going to go home and propose to her. And I, dog, for like a week. I felt like dog shit. Wait, oh, I thought they were broken up. They weren't broken up either.

No, they just, you know, they left it open. and they saw each other they were in love but she waited like guys like a week that motherfucker wasn't even he didn't even get an apartment and she was already

I was already having relations with him that is pretty quick but that's yeah that's crazy how crazy is that and he dog I hugged him I gave my number I go listen man we were all in a bad position

and he's like she was a fucking horror and she just started crying and crying and I'm like no she wasn't a whore you left Julie left you put us in a fucking bad position you know I tried that hand he kept crying people tend to do that no I felt really fucking bad I know I know what I intended to do

I didn't think they were gonna get back together she was crazy she was hot smart filthy smart and fucking crazy like I would pick my daughter up and then have to pick her up and dog if my daughter fell asleep she'd say what we're doing and I go we're in a fucking car like are you fucking crazy

with my kid in the back like that's how out there she was yeah I mean yeah you messed up but it's also if she was going to do that with somebody it's not like it was like only you listen we all have a little Asian persuasion I never thought anything of myself

to even get my up in that position. But between the drugs and the fucking missing the white girl and all that shit, that's what happens. I'm not copping. I'm not, you know, I was wrong. Dude, going through a breakup is tough. Looking at it now?

Yeah, I fucked up. Big time. And I can't find that girl today. Which one? The Korean one reached out to me in 2000. Here's the funny thing. You ready, ladies and gentlemen? The Korean reached out to me when the longest year I came out on latino.com, Latino Comedians.com.

There was a private messaging. Yeah, it was Gabriel Galatius and the kid Jimmy from El Paso's website. And she left me a message going, ready? Are you doing? Congratulations. I always knew this is what you wanted. Please don't email me back.

Nothing disgusting. Because, you know, we were crazy. When we spoke, it was crazy shit. And she goes, I share this email with my husband. She goes, I married a Cuban. guy and I live in North Bergen, New Jersey, and my kids go to Robert Fulton. And I've always wanted to ask, Raygo's ex-wife, what happened to them? This is 2005, 20 years ago.

The girls are gone. The girls got to be in college. They just graduated college. And you never responded, like, nicely? I could not respond because she emailed me through a website, which didn't really give me her email. Got it. She thought I had her email. And every time I come back, I was like, maybe I go to Robert Fulton and find out where she's at to say hello to her kids. She married a Cuban dude.

And the kids are Cuban and Korean. That's wild. Yeah, they're probably your age, Nick. 91. So, nah, because this is 2005. So, yeah, Reverend Robert Fulton. That's crazy, guys. So let me tell you about my fucking weekend.

just so you motherfuckers know. I love you guys and I love people. But there's a line in Goodfellas that I heard when I first went to see that movie and my head blew up because that's exactly who I am. And since then, so it's 1991 and I was always like that before that. And the line was, we always hung out, but there was never no outsiders. Never know outsiders. People do what the fuck they want to do.

When I was 20, I'd tell you to send your cousin home and you'd go home with him. I was one of those guys. There's somebody in North Bergen, I love dearly, but I could not hang out with him because he always brought his younger cousin. What we were involved in, I didn't want that kid to see. You know what I'm saying?

Like, if the cops come, he's going to talk. Okay? I would say it differently, like, I wanted to protect the kid. But I knew they're from a different, generation. We're 18 living like gangsters and he would bring the 16 year old kid and the kid and he doesn't do coke and then the kid

behind his back come on give me a bump. Don't bring him around no more. Okay, there was a fucking reason. So then all this comedy shit happens and you have to do things. And last fucking November I started trying to just get out

of my house. You know, I just want to get out of the house. I just want to be a normal person and be able to to a bar or a restaurant, and people don't come up to you and fucking, uh, which size is Joe Rogan's foot? You know, I don't fucking know, you know. So, by January, I knew it was a waste of time. People have no manners.

They don't give a fuck if you're on mushrooms. You know, they don't give a fuck if they're on Pope. They'll continue to give you any of your beating. So I said, I'm just going to smoke pot and go to my original plan. And from time to time, I do my thing. I play botchy. I go to the gym, I go to Jiu-Jitsu, and I'm pretty fucking cool in those places.

So it's fucking the Labor Day, right? What is it, this weekend? I get invited to a couple of barbecues. I know the people on Saturday I go to their house. Cool as shit. Great barbecue kids. My daughter's in the pool. Blah, bah, bah.

They had that, oh, my God. They had a cater from Staten Island. The fucking sausage and peppers were out of this fucking woman. the dog out of this world. Anyway, Sunday I get invited to another barbecue. And I loved the guy. He just went to dinner with him last week.

And he goes, you know, I go, who's going to be there? This guy, that guy, this guy, I know these people. And he goes, a couple of my friends. I go, all right, you know what, at least as I have cover, I'll be okay. And the party was great. I had a great time, guys, the food was great. Pizza was shitty. The food was great.

So shitty. You know, the company was great. I saw people hadn't seen them before. The kids got huge. Like, these are the kids that she first played softball with. So it's about 8 o'clock last night. I made some brownies this weekend. That was so fucking good.

That was so fucking good. It was five-year-old. It was four-year-old weed mixed in different levels. In fact, when I went into him, you could see the different colors. It was like going into the earth, clay, cement. Indian ink, you know, it was all that shit. Like the stuff when you tap, put nugs in a jar and then you take it out. Yeah, yeah, I'm excited to do something

with that. I was pissed because there was a couple nugs. I'm like, God damn it. I'm not going to take these nugs, forget it. But I had two joints left, and I gave him to a friend of mine. I gave one to a friend of mine, and she called me back. She goes, that is the best. This joint had to be two or three years old. And she's like, that's the

best drink I ever smoked. I couldn't stop giggling. Me and my girls laughed for two hours. I got one more left. You won? And she called back. She said, if you ever get more. I go, that's the last one. But I remember I had that 10. So my wife had that, not the fucking Betty Crocker one, but the other one, the Guadalajara.

No, no, not pill. I just said, not Gia deli. And I go buy some walnuts. You know me, I don't give a fuck, you're allergic. You're going to go down any way you put it. I'm either going to get you with one or with the other, you know, so it don't matter. I don't give a fuck if you're allergic.

Yeah, I don't give a fuck. I'm not going to listen to that nonsense. If you're allergic, deal with it, okay? Well, you're not eating my brownies. Yeah, at least you're going to be scratching and your throat's going to be swollen, but you're going to be a motherfucker, right? So I, my wife mixed up the batter.

I, you know, we throw the walnuts in whatever fuck they are, almonds, I don't know them, no. And I get up there, and I get a frying pan, I spray it down with the olive oil spray. I keep it down to a small thing, and I just start throwing weed in there, foie, foie, and a little butter, foie. And it's slow.

And also, I see it, and I start hitting that motherfucker, and right from there, I'm tipping it, right into the batter, and she's over there staring it, and I'm throwing more on foie, like an Italian pizza maker when he throws the... Foa, foie! He throws the powder on it,

and I'm cooking this motherfucker, butter, olive oil, flames are coming everywhere. I'm like, fucking the Cuban chef, right? And all of a sudden, I put, like, I looked at the tub. I took the top hand off just to make I don't like shit like that.

I don't like freezer bird. So I took the top, threw in the garbage, and the rest was just, and it was down to maybe a half inch. And I said, that's it. And, man, I started licking that thing. Ooh, before those brownies came out, I was already humming. So finally, the brownies came out on Saturday, right? Was it Saturday?

So Saturday night I ate them. oh my god you know you don't think you my tolerance is off the batter like solve the chain like I felt something but I kept smoking weed and I went to bed Saturday night because the honeymoon was wearing on because it was college football and it wasn't even Hawaii and I fucking I got up at two in the morning the pee oh fuck I was fucked up and a different it was completely different than I've ever felt oh Jesus it was like deep my arm was numb and shit The first time I woke up, the room was cold, and I actually, like, broke down. I had to get a hood of sweatshirt and put it on and grab the cap and put them on me.

And I'm like, how high am I? And I looked at my wife. She was fine. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with me? That's how high it was. My body was shaking, dog. Oh, my God. And you have no idea how many milligrams at all or anything, because you just...

Just even... I wasn't even worried about it. It wasn't even flogging my mind. I didn't give a fuck. I wanted an edible to take me down for a few days. So Sunday, I told for the barbecue people that I had made these edibles and there's two lunatics there. There's a woman and a guy.

The guy's like, bring me a little piece. Well, I gave him a nice, and the chick, as soon as I walked in, it was the corner, she picked it up, George, and she started taking bites out of it. And I'm like, oh, this bitch is going to die. I got to take this away from her. And I gave a piece of mushroom. So she was three quarters in.

And then he ate a little piece, and I took another big bite. And that was the end of that. I gave him the rest to put in the cabinet. I have not heard from him yet today. He has not even contacted me at all. We were supposed to cook steaks today. He did not even fucking...

He's in no shape for cooking. And she said that she got home, and thank God she was in bed because she didn't feel her legs that she had water by her and, you know, just hilarious. But it was her, another mom, the coach's wife,

and another mom, and we're sitting there talking about, you know, when do you get in trouble when you're, you get in trouble as a kid when you come home at three and your parents aren't home until five and you start searching through shit and you find like stupid shit that belongs to your parents, you find like your mom,

vibrate it, but you don't know what it is. You think it's her back massager or whatever. That's the first thing you find. Five out of ten motherfuckers sniff it. They don't even know. You start using it in the name. They put that little mom's vibrated their nose and given a whip. See, you're older.

For us, it was the period bag. The thing that hung behind the douchebag. And they put the nozzle in their pussy and they squaws the hot bottle. It was really a hot water bottle with a contraption to wash your monkey. Any woman, any house I went as a kid, I always sniffed it. If they was hanging there. Oh, I didn't care if it was your grandmother, your mother, your sister. You knew what, like you knew.

Oh, yeah, after I found out that, I found out that everybody had one and women stuck it up their pussy, I wanted to sniff. I would sniff your bras first. Like if you ever go to a woman's house and she hangs a bras behind the bathroom door? Why are you going into these places? Because I want to see if they. You're just creeping around their house. Usually they're like to put the bras Like in their personal bathrooms.

It's like my godmother, my friend, my mom's friends. I go over there and I got to pee it. And I run right to the bathroom to see if the lady left the bra. I'd be sniffing the bars, the bra snap. And I wouldn't jerk off her. I was too young. I would get like a little dizzy and all excited. But I had a particular

Godmother Aunt, she was an aunt And she was hot Since the time I met her My mom even knew My mom goes, you like her Oh fuck yeah Her hair was more

She didn't put her head down She's a Cuban professor Out of all my mother's friends She was married to a gangster But she knew nothing of that world She was the best mom you ever saw I missed her death And she died and her and I weren't on good terms

So I never felt good about that But bro, when I was a kid Like you saw her as a mom But one night She did something at my house And I saw her putting her hair up Dog I went into like

My whole body was hard And I remember telling my mom And she's like he like When we're a long hair I'm like did you see her fucking hair Like when she was bundling it up I was like fucking So I always liked her

So anytime I went to house I always sniffed her bra For a couple years And then like A year late, I found out what that tube was for. And I would sniff that motherfucker like I was one of those hounds looking for Rambo. And you weren't even jerking off. You were just sniffing it?

I was just sniffing it like when you sniffed like a, you ever got a chocolate that guy from the good humor bar? Sure. You want to sniff it to make sure you pay 35 cents. You don't want it. You don't want a fucking artificial. You don't want a Fugazi, right? You want the real deal, so you sniff it.

Right. Of course, who doesn't? You sniff a lot of shit, dude What are you talking about? Are you sniffing ice cream bars? Is that what you're saying? They're coming for you. They're coming for you.

Why me? You're talking about sniffing tube. The worst word you used was nozzle. You called it a nozzle that you were sniffing. It's skinny up on top. Listen how it is. It's skinny up on top. And then it goes out so they can put it in

And monkey, it shrinks. But the end has like 19 tubes or water comes out into all the part of the monkey. I would sniff each individual tube one by one. I would get the toothpick and clean it out. You ever do that? You clean it out with a toothpick and sniff the other side. You get like the condensed pubic hair. Where would you get toothpicks from?

You brought toothpicks from home? No, I get it from fucking chicken delight. When they come over, they fucking give you toothpicks. I don't fucking know, Lee. Holy shit. Did you ever get caught? No, nobody ever knew. I forgot for years until I was like 16 and I did it again.

I'm like, oh. No, dog. I can't even say this. I dated a girl that her monkey was so good when she'd take a shower. I get her underwear sniffing and bang one out when she was in the shower and come in a pair of these sense how sick I'm sick I'm a sick dog. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, back to the Christian minute.

Anyway. So. And I try to, guys, when I try to tell you, I'm a good egg dog. And I try a lot of fucking things. But sometimes you get high and you get comfortable. And then something happens, and you're like, you know what, man? This is why I don't go out. So last night I'm talking to these moms.

And we're talking about three to five. What happens to kids from three to five? They snoop. How we all snooped? And I look at this guy at the table. And he's got his phone looking at me. And the mom that I'm sitting next to is a very, it's a teacher. And she's cool, but she's skinny but tough.

And that mom is not the mom you want to mingle with. Why not? Because she's crazy. And she's beautiful, but she'll tell you where to go. I've seen her do it. So I'm looking at this dude. And finally, the mom goes, hey, what are you doing? And I go, are you taping me?

And they go, Jesus, oh, Jesus. He's hammered the guy. But I know the guy. Like, I don't know him great, but I know I've seen him around. Oh, really? Oh, Jesus. And this lady went off. This lady's like, I'm a teacher.

We were over here talking about a kid. What the fuck are you tape me for? And then this lady's like, you better fucking delete that, motherfucker. It went like that. It got like that at fucking 8.30 at night. I'm gonna fucking, you know. I love that the women were, like, angrier than you. They fucking made him erase it.

The guy's like, oh, good, ugh, and then the guy took him like three minutes to get up. He got up, he went, and he was so embarrassed. He packed his kids, and he went out first. His wife had to go looking for him, then he sent his wife in. I wasn't angry, guys. I wasn't angry, and I don't feel, I'm not going to say, you know, I was felt violated. I didn't. But now you know.

now you know why I don't know I don't know because that's what what are you going to do post it on YouTube yeah well honestly I think they're not even they just want to prove to their friends that they saw you maybe it doesn't matter Lee no I'm not saying it's a great

an answer they show it to you let's say I go to work tomorrow okay and I work with a cool fucking dude and I work with a cool dude and you're a cool dude do, you're Jewish. Thank you. But I'm over there talking about, no, but I'm saying, I'm not saying a funny thing. He's just Jewish. I am. But you're a different type of Jew, not you with me in our relationship. Right. To do that work, who's a fucking boss. Right. And all of a sudden he plays

and you're like, oh, I like him. But also when I go, you know, fucking the Jews in Jersey, you're the ones that kill Jesus. What if you're one of those Jews that gets offended, which I don't know if you know the Jews from Jersey, the ones like, you know, the Jews, by Short Hills. I'm not calling nobody out here, but they're a little different. There's some, Bergen County has some Jewish areas. They're a little different.

And they're cool, but they'll get offended, is what I'm trying to say. I don't need that in my life. You follow what I'm saying to you? Right. I don't need this guy going to his temple on Saturday. And I said, my friend taped Joey Diaz at a barbecue

saying anti-Semitic fucking jokes. You understand me? Because in our world, we fuck around like that. I met a Panamanian today. We talked about Chinese food in Panama. He says it's the best. Setsuan. He said to Setsuan, his hands down.

It's as authentic as can be. Anyway, I'm sorry. What were you saying? You were saying something? No, I was talking about the fucking dude with the tape recorder. That's what I was saying. That's wild.

And that, you know, you don't, you feel pretty comfortable, like, around, like, you've never had an issue around your house. If you invite me to your house, I'm comfortable. Right. Don't come to me late and go. That dude was a report. reporter from the New York Times. Like, by the way, that girl is the reporter from the

New York Times, and you were talking about Epstein and the list and trying to be funny. Well, why did you even have her here? Right. Like, so when you invite me to your home, it's because we cool. It's because if I want to take a joint out and spark it, I mean, if there's children there, I would never do something like that. And if there's children next door, I wouldn't do it. But you know what I'm saying. someone do it once and he's a nice he's a comic that I know but he was just audio recording like a group of comics talking and he was like oh I just sometimes and I don't know what it's about to be honest and this and today listen 10 years ago it's we sell the tapes 10 years ago

this is lunch with Uncle Joey you get 10 bucks on fucking iTunes we go to Rudy's we talk shit we go to Chinese hey Chino where's the spare ribs you know but guess what you do that today know who's going to get offended. Right. So that $10 you're making minus the 82% that goes to iTunes, right? What goes to iTunes? You've got to check for my tunes. It's fucking, you know, rabid eyes, right?

It's fucking whatever rabid he is. So is it worth it? That's what I'm trying to say to you. Like, we could do it ourselves. And we want to tape our conversations. There's no more brilliant conversations than us at dinner time. When we go to the Greek restaurant and you get the fucking cheese with the Greek care on top of it.

Whatever the fuck you got. I like feta cheese. But has anyone ever tried to do it with mercy? What do you mean? Like have they started like, you might have been angry or if it was like you and mercy together or it was just mercy? Like has anyone tried to take pictures with mercy in public?

No, no. I've seen like people try to take pictures of me and mercy at a restaurant or something. What do you want me to do? I don't want you to do anything, but that would... As long as they don't come over. What are you going to do? Post it on Reddit. that I'm having lunch with my daughter.

You're actually of a cool. I would get upset. No one, like, I'm not... If he approaches me... Right. And starts talking stupidity, yeah, I'm gonna get upset. Like any other parent would. You're with your child.

This doesn't mean, you know, I would never go up to fucking... Doug Jeter when he's with his kids. I don't even know if he's got kids. But, you know, I wouldn't go up to Derek Jeter if he's eating with his two daughters. No. And say what?

Derek! 1994 I would dare leave the guy alone and his daughters will pop it up and he's looking at you like yeah you fucking idiot you know because that's what they're looking at you thinking they have you with your fucking family they probably can't go out to eat

like they probably those people of that like celebrity Gita goes out to eat but where does it go? But there's three motherfuckers in the room oh they just take the whole restaurant there's a guy sitting on the table next to him with a woman there's a guy over there and there's a guy out of there and the restaurants on high alert

Because if I'm eating at your restaurant, that means you've got to kind of protect me. Right. It's the same thing. I need to know my clientele. I need to know that George doesn't work for TMZ. Right. I know that Lee Syatt's coming in that night. So I'm going to double cover the table.

First of all, I'm not going to let a lot of people know about specials. I'm going to keep that Tuesday low. But then you have situations where, hey, we went to a nick game. We're hungry. I can't clear the house then. No, right. I don't know who's in there now at 10.30 at night. It could be, and I come in with eight guys.

And it definitely happens. Because all you need is, you don't need to be doing coke. But one of your friends doing coke, and that's it. I'm not ruined. I'm not ruined because people know I'm not doing coke, but think about that. Like, your friends are your, what do people say, the people you hang with or you whatever?

you are you hang out with so these are things you have to clear also right it's people are getting I actually you know me in the 15 years we've been together I don't I don't really get into like physical or like yelling all the occasions with anybody I got into it with someone at a like a dispensary this weekend and it's like it's I pulled into a dispensate and these two guys not cops but were like parked how cops park if they want to just chat and i just got in and i just tapped on my horn because i couldn't get around them they went and i parked and the dude started yelling at me and saying like hey you should have more patience or just and i just said hey dude i just have i didn't go on my horn and yell at them but i have shit like they don't know where like i'm getting

medicine for my mom like this right the moment before exactly i was saying i literally that's why we wanted to bring it up and like he was And he was actually a worker at the dispensary, and he was, like, he, he, he, he got so in my face that this other guy, this other, like, uh, customer, like, is, hey, are you okay? And I was okay. I didn't, I was, I was never, I'm never going to, like, punch anybody. But, like, it was, I've got kind of like, I felt like that, like, like, I've never had someone come at me for something like that. And it's, especially when you work at the place. And I was like, so I worked there. Yeah, he worked there. So I even talked to the managers. Like, hey, man, I'm sorry.

I don't want him to get him fired, but, like, he shouldn't, he shouldn't be yelling at me for when he's blocking the driveway. Like, there was no way, and then there was not like he was, there was tons of room to get around him. I couldn't get around anybody. And, like, they felt bad. They gave me a bunch of money off. It's a good dispensary. But it was like, I just, like, think what we're talking about, like, what's going on with people. And I think just, like, there's more on edge or something.

I'm having a conversation with George so fuck leave behind me. And fuck the day he's having. Right. As soon as I pull up, I got about 10 seconds, grace period, okay? As soon as I pull up to you and you're talking to me going, yeah, I just meet you at the studio. Yeah, if you stop and you get batteries. That's it. There's no other conversation.

Right. Once they, and there's people who acknowledge you and will keep talking. And what are you going to do? Those are the same people that when you bang them with the car, they're going to down 911. Right. Of course. Now you've got two against one. We're only here for a second, and he came yelling,

and now you look like a fucking idiot. They've got to get an attorney and pride of investigative to get the cameras from all the businesses before they do. Right. And even, like, just parked, there was tons of parking spaces. They were just blocking the, like, the entire entrance to the- This is, welcome to the fucking city.

Welcome to Bergen-Line Avenue. I don't know what Jersey City and what whole book is like and what the rest of the other communities are like. But this is it. People would just pull over. how about the people who just pull over, dog, I've had people cut me off and stop for a yellow cold.

Like, not even, like, give it a try. Like, just pull over and stop. And you're like, dog, you're lucky. I'm not that guy, because you would have gone to the windshield. Oh, absolutely. I would have killed you. And I have, you know, you cannot.

But, dog, you got to drive with higher relevance now. Like, you got to know what's around you. The days of 8 and 800 milligrams and going for a drive. No. Because you don't know what that. they're going to come out of. Dude, I did do something a little childish and I wanted to do more, but as I was leaving the dispensary behind in the, behind the entrance, they had like a six parking cones, like big,

but big ones, like it as tall as me. So I looked around and it wasn't there and I took one. I put it behind his car. It would have taken him three seconds to throw it, to put it back, but like just I wanted to, and I wanted to take them all like surround his car with him, but I was like, I'll get caught doing that. But one cone, I like, I just wanted to like, it. For one second, piss him off that it was me.

But I've never, you know me, dude. I don't fucking fight with anybody. It's a different world out there. And once you leave the house, you've got to be prepared for anything. People pull over, they cut you off, they just stop. They will stop there. You know, we go to eat dinner every once in a while, and we double park. And it's okay, you know.

But think of those people that get in the car and you're not around. Oh yeah And they got to wait And their fucking uncle just died He got hit by a car And Paramus crossed the street You know And I know

You know I mean it's the same shit Oh So you know You know what I'm saying Like here we are again I'm not saying that We're bad people

For doing it but Well we're all hypocrites We're all hypocrites Like you know Remember Laurel Canyon Going north And people would just Try to scoop around

At the end And like Like Some people Would just sit there And get pissed off And you'll do it, but then sometimes you'll just fucking, I got to go. And when it's you doing it, it's okay.

But when it's everyone else, they're fucking assholes. I would do it all in time. Oh, yeah. I don't think you ever stopped. No, I never stopped. You just want to the right until the very end. Oh. You know, it's, and that's what, we're fucking hypocrites.

But I don't put, listen, one thing I'll never forget, Lee, tell them the day we were going somewhere and a cop there was traffic on a Monday. Oh, remember? We were going to the doctor? Yeah. No, we were going somewhere at eight in the morning. On Monday fucking morning, you and I were going somewhere in Burbank, and it's bumping the bumper traffic.

Like, are you fucking kidding me? And we get to the thing, it's a cop. And the guy couldn't park this way. He parked like this to be an asshole. So now cars had to go around. This is California. They're scared. No, you go.

No, you go. No, you go. Fucking Hugo is never coming back. And they fucking sat there. And by the time we get there, I wonder what's going on, Lee. And it's a homeless guy. I'm puking and two cops like shaking him down. Like, this is Monday at 7.45.

This is your job. And I remember beeping at him. He's shit. Beep, beep, move the fucking car. Dude, I was driving, and you fucking beat my car. And started yelling at the cops. You cock suckers. And I'm like 25 tops.

You can't be this fucking stupid. You need to protect. and serve. How are you protecting and serving right now? If you come after me, I'm going to take a picture of your car and show a lieutenant. It's Monday. It's 7 for you, Lou. Look at this fucking car. Yeah, I'm going to go right in there, Lou. Where's the Lou? We're here. That's how they call them on all the TV shows. Lou, let me talk to you. It's Lieutenant Grable, Lou. Let me talk to you, okay. Cut this shit because I'll call over your head, too. I'll get the fucking Puerto The Puerto Rican in the public of safety, and me and him start abloing, you won't be looking

too fucking good, okay? And don't let me mention Joe Rogan podcast and shit. I got fired up. I'm sorry. I got all this. Anyway, I'm fired up because something's happening. Listen, I don't know if you guys know. This is my time of the year.

My dick gets hard right now. That's it. It's over. The stupid shit is over. Think about it. That's it. You jumped around all year. Yeah, I'm going to get that tooth fixed.

You know. Well, guess what? It's September, motherfucker. It's scary for some people. I get scared, so I get so scared that I go, okay. Because we got four months left. You got four months to make it happen. Sort of.

Yeah, no. Think about it. But it's just continuous life is continuous. Yeah. Everybody had a good time. You went to the Bavarian Festival with the fucking, you know, Andalais, whatever that sort is called, the joust. That's it. I like it the Anzolet Festival better. What is it? Renaissance Fair. Yeah, the Adelaide Festival. You know, everybody fucking's having a good time all year. And now you look at yourself and you go, that's it.

Either my kids aren't going to school, but Halloween's not. next month, and before you put your mask on the oven, fucking, it's Thanksgiving. I mean, Halloween don't even hit, and all of a sudden you're seeing commercials with pilgrims and the fucking Bavarian Festival and all those people, the turkey leg. And before you put that turkey leg in your mouth, there's a Christmas out already. So this is the time of the year, you could be a fucking dooze and bots, or you could shine a little bit. They have Halloween candy already. Who gives a fuck, okay?

Only you would look at that shit. That shit's terrible for you now. I'm not eating it. It's not Halloween candy. It's fucking poison. Trust me what I'm telling you. I've sampled all of them. Terrible.

I got kids. Everything is bad. Everything. What do you mean? It's bad. Everything is bad. They have destroyed everything. They make a sugar-free

licorice that I was really into until my eyeball almost came out. I started, you know, regular heartbeats and shit. All that shit. Even chocolate? Like, I love Ammon Joy, like a motherfucker. You understand me, you're going to CVS to get a prescription? Right.

You always got that double-packed almond joy. It's a Ghana. That's your bar? Oh, I like the Carmel clusters, too. Those are good. And they come in a four-pack, too. Oh, shit. Yeah, CBS gives you diabetes.

They care nothing about you. Tell me a single, like, remember the single peanut butter? Right. For years, they had a double, but you could always buy a single if you were a fat fuck and you want it just to make peace with yourself. They don't have that normal. more for the fat fuck they don't even give you that now they sell you four four cups four cups that's great that's no it's not great lee

you're trying to fucking live without shoot yourself in the stomach every day I don't I don't eat candy I well that's what I'm getting no no no no no that's what I'm getting bad that's when I'm getting bad I swear to God I don't go to like CVS and buy shit anymore but on the way home from the dojo we stopped at the pharmacy and we split it the two pack of the new Oreo Reese's, the Reese's cup with an Oreo in it. Dude, it was so good. That's what I'm talking about. What are you 10?

What do you mean? You love both of those things. I wouldn't put them together. Yes, you would. No, I would not leave. Why? I just told you what I do. Because that's what you're doing. You're the type of guy that goes into a pizza place and there's a slice of cheese or there's a slice of cheese with Ziti and a lizard eye and chicken and you'll get that.

something that you wouldn't even eat separately. I've seen you. I've been around you 15 fucking... I would eat wiesies cups and Oreos separately. Lee, you don't need that shit. I don't need it. That's why we split it. Anyway, stupid.

Let me tell you what's going on in two days. Do you know what's going on? I don't know. He's what I'm talking about. But he knows about Reesies and fucking... Oreos. Oreos. Right till you get mugged.

Jesus Christ. You're going to think about those Oreas. You should have an apple or a protein bar. We did have it. Or a fucking protein milkshake. I had one Reese's cup. One wreaths cup. You're just talking about packs of fours.

You split a two packs. Yeah. That's one. So two divided by two is four. I know you. Two and two is four. So I divide that. What are you talking about four?

Anyway, listen, I don't want to argue about it. All of a sudden you get all Jewish on me. Ah, what are you talking about four? It comes in a fucking four pack and you split it with your wife. That's two of people. peace where I come from. They only have two packs of those, but go ahead and I want to hear what's happening

in two days. So this week is something big. This is time of the year, because it all comes true. It's fucking football season. That's what's going on. Is your head far up your ass from that joust that you don't know that this Thursday is fucking football season?

I can't wait. I do know, but I don't. Listen, I don't have a favorite team. I don't want to hear your sorrows. All right. I don't want to hear about fucking New England and Tommy pork chop whatever his name he's never going to play oh yeah he's never going to play if he plays things are going to make a big difference leave me alone george oh dude i'm so but it's it's i'm so excited tommy cutlets Tommy cottlets Tommy cuttlet's his old career i get him on the podcast listen i don't want

no Tommy cutlets on the podcast right he's going to show up with the agent looking like a Halloween costume leave me the fuck alone okay I can just see that idiot negotiating with the new England Patriots right now. And they're like, guy, come here. We'll give you $30,000. Get rid of them. Like, we'll pay him off. Like, we're a professional organization.

Okay, I don't know what the Giants, they're eating ring things down there in Jersey in Autismville fucking talking to you. But this is the New England Patriot organization. I don't know who you work for, your slimy black suit that you're rented from where black people rent their suits and shit for weddings and funerals.

right or wrong he shows up to a nationally televised game on a Monday to MetLife Stadium looking like a fucking hologram of a fucking retard dressed in a hologram black with a white hat on

or whatever he had come on bro give me a fucking break like this couldn't be that more embarrassing than what it is And the poor bastard, the kid was bartending in Jersey City or Hoboken two weeks before that. God bless him, it's a Rocky story.

But if you're going to go on Rocky, go in with Mick, not with Dick, okay? If you're going to go on like Rocky, open up your eyes and go, you know what, let me call fucking Pachial's people or something. Let me call Montana. Let me call Aaron Rogers and see if he can help me. He shows up with his uncle's friend from the dock. and that's what these idiots do but he knows people

he don't know nothing he's been on the dock he's on the bottom rink over there on the dot he's your manager now he rents his suit and that's what and that's what it is and it's a shame that

nobody took Tommy Cutlets and said listen man this is the NFL you can't show up with that fucking moron we gotta go big here so what you're not getting that much money but at least it's what did Jackie Gleason What was this big quote?

You could be broke. But as long as you have your shoes to shine and you look to apart and you go in there, you just, you know, he said something beautiful. And that's what it is. You're making a presentation. Why would you, and then, all right, you want to show up with him until you get somebody?

I get it. But then show up on Monday night football with him. Yeah, the people in Newark are jumping up and down. That's my boy. He bought that suit for me. He eats pizza here. He likes the egg plant here. You know what I'm saying?

God bless. But that's not the guy you want to talk to the NFL with. That's the guy you go like to a school play. You know what I'm saying? That's the guy like you go to like to sign autographs or the pizza plays because that's what he was doing. You're in the NFL court. You think Joe Montana ever signed autographs for the pizza place?

You think this is fucking funny? It ain't funny. This is what happens when you move to this. They're crazy. I worked 30 years in my life to go to some pizza place at American Mall and sign stuff. Are you fucking retarded with some guy with a suit on?

Hey, Gassadich. Give me a fucking break. Anyway, I got all fired up on that. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I remember when I moved here, I was like, I'm thinking of my agency. And I'm going to meet with a guy.

And I met with that guy. And I let the time dictate, just to let you guys know. I let life dictate. I'm not going to drop no name. The guy had a couple guys he was handling. So I said, where would you like to go? I thought the guy would say Vitos in the Lower East Side or Pontavecios in Brooklyn or some fucking Italian name.

What's your joint? The place where you get the sandwiches, Casaldos, you know, Pormos. Yeah, I went to, no, the other place. We get the chicken franchise Oh Colossos Yeah, colossos I thought the guy would drop a name like that

He dropped like high hot For your big business meeting? And I bumped him to a diner Oh nice To a not a good diner I just said, I'll meet you to diner Do you know this motherfucker I showed up with a Yankee

Ham What? What's the shit you cut and put on eggs? Cream cheese? where in juvill this is jersey who shows up with a fucking thing of cream cheese Taylor no the other one pork row he shot up with a park row who's the best pork row a gift for you and I'm like you just lost me I'm about to put an envelope in your pocket and you show up with a pork row at a

at a diner down the block from my house we're going places You go on your own fucking, you know what I'm saying? The presentation, the whole thing. Right. That's the whole thing at that level. And it's crazy, like you knew immediately that it was not going to happen. Immediately, as soon as you showed up with the pork roll. There's no reason to talk.

I got that and gave it to a friend up the corner. But think about, you know what I'm saying? Like, guys, you are, remember I a couple weeks ago, eight weeks ago on the podcast? I said that you become a professional and you become a professional. You decide. It's your decision. When you look around when they go, what the fuck is going on in my life?

There was a booker I always depended on. Remember that I'm in Georgia in the city? Always depended on this guy. Loved them. I trusted them. And every time it was a story. The job started Wednesday through Sunday and it was this amount of money.

By the time I flew in on the plane, Lee, constantly. Now it was Friday one show and Saturday one show. and they were going to send me a check in the mail. I didn't want to mention his fucking name. Jesus Christ. So,

so one day I made a decision, I'm not talking to that guy anymore. And everything changed. He called me for like a year. Once a year, he still calls me and texts me. I have a gig for you. I don't even, because I had to get out of that.

And you had to say no to him if I wanted another. It's the same shit. You've got to close one door before you open up another one. It's the same shit. It's tough to do because you're going to miss that. But at the end of the year, what was he really paying me? Right. What was he paying me?

Every time I came here was the story. My money for the plane ticket, there was always a prom with the hotel. They're going to only going to pay a half. And then you find out they gave him everything. Right. He stole it right from you. Hey, what are you going to do? Go down there and throw him out of the window.

you knew better. You fucking knew better. This is what you get for being a gavone. Because in your mind, you're playing in the city, but you're really not. You're playing in New Kirk, New Jersey,

in penguin weather. You know what I'm saying? Now when you get here, you ask Nick for a ride, and Nick's like, I ain't got four hours. Four hours. Where am I going?

You're going on an hour from Lake Placid. You're going to go for $400? What the fuck are you thinking? Right. Shoot yourself. But you get caught up in, well, I'm going to come back

and stay on Nick's balcony because I stayed on your uncle's balcony so I know. But I'm gonna go to the Bronx and that's, and then I would go to these fucking places and showcase or whatever. But I was just spinning my wheels. I was just spinning my wheels

and I was losing money. And I did this once a month. I would take one of his fucking stupid gigs, Pittsburgh, just to be, well, I'll showcase at the funny bone. on Monday. There's no showcase at the funny, but on Monday. I don't want to see your rapid ass. You just did a hotel on the other side of town.

You follow me. Right. So it's the presentation. It's like when you go, when you go to a shitty restaurant, you go to a good restaurant, if they give you the same fucking meat, the same potatoes and the same stupid carrots, and they designed the dish differently, your mind does that.

Your mind does that on its own. We don't even need to go to some, you know, if I go to Bruce's, your brother-in-law's, a chef. He knows how the decorator play. He'll make four ounces of meat look like 22. That's what he went to school to do. Well, he's a different type of dude. He'll make four ounces look like two ounces

and tell you it's six ounces, you know what I'm saying? But you, follow what I'm saying to you? It's whatever you show the right. I'm not, I like Tommy Coutlitz. I think he's a good quarterback. But to show up on Monday night football with an agent dressed like that. That, like I said, that day.

But like, where does, like, to me, also, like, he'll be like I'm loyal. And you talk about loyalty a lot. Loyalty, that's when I go to elite. Listen, we've been together for six years. I've gotten three-car dealership office where I go wash a car for charity. And then every other Sunday during football season, you get me to some fucking pizza place. and I make the small 600 and I come home and I've got to take two showers

from the garlic breath that sunk into my fucking neck and all the fake gangsters I met. All right? Let's figure this out. The NFL called. Why don't I put you at a better capacity? Why don't you become my personal manager?

And I still pay you the tent. But I go in there with an agency. There's always a fucking remedy here. If you're that tight with the guy, he'll understand. Right. I can't show up with you. We robbed somebody in the eighth grade.

God rest is so. I love Darren Rago. I always think about what happened if he would be alive right now. Because I would have called him to L.A. After the fucking mishap in Colorado, when he didn't help me kidnap Bella, I wasn't going to ever let that happen again. I wanted him around all their time

in case I had sudden urge to throw somebody out of window. and that dude, as long as I gave him coke and some sniffing glue, he, you know, that's my dog. We were dogs together. So I can't imagine me getting along this yard and flying Raygo out to throw, because he would have thrown everybody on that set off the wall.

He would have fought everybody, hand-to-hand combat. Fuck your mother, I'll come back with a roast beef sandwich. That type of shit. But anyway, we got to take a quick breather here and talk to you about draft kings. I've been with them. I've been working with them for five years, but I've been with them for how long?

Maybe seven years. I've been a customer of theirs. I love everything they do. Listen, in the morning I get up, I get coffee. I sit and look at the fucking trees. I thank God for giving me another day. And as soon as I get down there, I open up my notebook and I go right on draft kings

because every morning I risk getting anywhere from a dollar to $2 in bonus bets to $300 in casino credits because they have a thing that you just spin the wheel. And every morning you wake up to good news. It's like going to Coles. Every time you go, they give you a coupon to go. You know what I'm saying?

So I love Draft Kings for that. They take care of me. They're loyal. Anyway, let Draft Kings do new customers. Do we got an offer for you? Hit it. Hey, it's four. It's game on, kids.

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give Draft Kings a shot. If you're an old customer and you went somewhere else, it's time to go back home to Papa. Uncle Joey's there. Lee's there. We have a good time. And starting, we don't know yet. We'll just let you know.

excuse me see I didn't burped my own mouth you know what I'm saying I burped on the microphone the executive producer is getting a whiff of this right now but we're gonna let you know

we're gonna start doing Monday night's football through Twitter we're gonna do it on Joey's YouTube and his Twitter account yeah we'd like to do it we love everyone on YouTube YouTube is first but you know they're gonna dump us

once they see smoke or a missing leg so we're getting prepared for that we always have It's like you've got to have backup insurance nowadays. You go to the doctor and like your wife's insurance don't work no more. You got to use yours. And you're like, what the hell? I don't know about backup insurance, but it's your ex.

It's at manned flavor on X. We'll start that on Monday night. Prices, raffles, all coming to you from draft kings to king where the crown is yours. All right, enough with that. Back to you, Cocksucker. I was going to go to Austin but I moved the date back because I want to be here for Passover

whatever comes in September a lot of shit in my world in September I think this week there's something the night we're in maybe maybe it's next month the 6th and the 8th the 24th September big Cuban holiday

especially for me not for a lot of you fucking peasants and then you have the other house what's the Jew holiday in September two days two days Oh, well, we have Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. There you go.

So after all that goes down, just in case, Baryshnikoff over there, starts lighting firecrackers. Right. Net and Yahoo. I don't want to be in Austin. And then I go to Austin the last week of fucking September, walk the streets, get a little barbecue, get a couple shots from ways to well,

and try to get healthy. That's it. That's my schedule. We got Florida this week. Really excited. And then we're going to. to... We have Virginia?

Virginia. And Maryland? No, no, no. We're going to the casino in Maryland. Right. Then we're going to... Back to Philadelphia. Back to my tickets are on sale for that.

And then we go to December 6th. We go to Virginia. Caesar's Palace in Virginia. What are you doing about? It's eight hours away. And you're the only one that's got a license. But we're not driving in the car Forget about it

You're not taking me down there And the Taurus And the fuck and whatever he's got The Twitter machine We're going to stream there But we're just not going to drive there No, we're not going to drive in the Twitter machine But besides that I'm excited

Dog, this is my time of the year I told you My dick excels I got up this morning This morning Was one of the best mornings of my life Why? Because a lot of people understand

I got up about 5.30 and I went to pee. And I sat back down. I still had a hour and a half left in me. I could still go till 7. I went to bed of 10. I put the sleep apnea mask on. I lay to my side.

And I feel something on my back like a needle. And I pop over and I look and it's my cat's poor. I don't see her. I'm like, what the fuck? fuck and all of a sudden I just see her little nose come out from the blanket and the blanket

just happened to cover her little eyes like this and she's like what the fuck are you doing? I'm like nothing I'm trying to sleep you know but once I looked at I'm like Jesus Christ how to take the mask off and hug her and play with it she was all excited I had to scratch her nose and shit now it's a quarter

to six and I'm like I'm up already so where the fuck was I going with this I don't even know oh I got up I had some coffee, sat outside. It was a bit on the chill side, but the sun was coming out. I could tell it was going to be a beautiful day to be alive. And I just went downstairs and started right in late.

Like what I wanted from now to December. That's it. It's a final quarter. We've got to get serious. We've got to wrap up the sleeves. I tried to, you know, I thought about the football thing we're doing on Monday night footballs or Thursday, depending on the game. I mean, why waste a shitty game on here?

If they're two and 12, I'm not going to watch that. Two teams. They're both going for the number one draft pick. I might as well leave you at home to watch you porn or something. Except in Texas, you got to mimic something, whatever fuck goes on. You got to feel like a make-believe-you-at-that snappies. What's the name of the supermarket? You go to that sells gasoline, whippies, flippies, whatever the fuck is.

I have to be, oh, Bunkies. Buckees, yeah. You know, the Buckees. But how do you describe it a gas station that sells flippies? Is that what you said? What? What? Blippies or what the fuck you do?

But yeah, this is my time of the year because I know it goes fast. I know it goes fast. And for working Americans, I mean, the interest rate's going to go down a little bit in September, but fucking everything else is going to be expensive. Egg prices went down,

but they're fucking in the ass with everything else, from Disney to electrical powers. So it's going to be a rough Christmas, so you better get that gun ready. You know what I'm saying? You better get that gun ready and that little note, get that little disappearing ink. That's how you rob a bank with disappearing ink. How do you rob a bank with disappearing ink?

You write the note. Give me the fucking money. And by the time the cops come, there's nothing on the note. You know what I'm saying? You're like a magician. You know, I'm always thinking, though, okay? I know you're thinking all the time. I don't know how good the thoughts are.

How does this one note get it? We got it. Lee, it's a joke. I know. You're the only idiot that they're sitting over there, like, you know, taking this shit seriously. Then at two in the morning, you'll call me, where do you get disappearing ink? Listen, I don't even know if they sell anymore. Listen, being a magician store.

So then when you want to hire that magician, go ask him about disappearing ink, all right? What are you bothering me for? I want to hire a magician so bad. I don't want to see a magician. I know you don't. But now I told you how I feel. I will down nine one more. Oh, I want to hire so many magicians.

But that motherfucker will be mid-trick. and I'll have a cancups on him like a motherfucker. I'll press charges for child pornography charges. He showed me his dick with a... He pressed charges. What happened? How are you going to press charges? You don't decide the charges.

If you have handcuffs... Please, English, English. What do you mean English? Why are you talking to me in Yiddish? English. Oh, my God. What happened? Because you can't decide the charges, people.

are getting. You don't get to go over to the cops. Well, I'm charging them with child pornography. I'm charging them my son. He had cards. I know what the charges are. He came and showed me a picture of a kid with a with a rain jacket on him. I need that shit. This is how like a magician to me. I want to hire one so bad to come here for the show. What are you Chinese? I hired him. What the fuck he's saying to me? I hired what, what?

What happened? What happened? I said I wanted to hire them to come to do magic during the show. Listen, comedy, football, and magic have never been done. You ever see a Super Bowl show where they go, oh, Jocko the Great, the magician's going to come do the lap time activities? We got rid of Jay-Z. This guy's going to cut himself out of a box and then fucking eat them.

bullet in mid-air, right? They never canceled Super Bowl for a fucking magician. Did you ever think of that? You ever see that fucking guy? You ever see fucking the red-headed guy on steroids, the comedian? Carrot. You ever see him at the Super Bowl? You ever see him at the Super Bowl? You ever see him at the Super Bowl? What about the guy that got eaten by a line? You ever see him at the

fucking Super Bowl? That's a reason. There's a reason. Because magic and football don't go hand in the hand, okay? We're not doing actual football, we're just talking. Listen, we're doing it. It's a Monday night or a Thursday night game. That's an American as apple pie, and you want to bring white

voodoo in here, magician's shit. I feel more comfortable to black guy who cuts your chickens head off. I'm going to try to get one of those too to show you people a live Santeria event right here in the basement of love. Oh, my God. And that's better than a card trick? Fuck yeah.

Who wants to see a faggy fucking card trick? Who gives a fuck if it's the ace of spades, okay? Go to the track and bet eight winners, then get back to me, three nights in a row. Nikki, what are you doing over there? What are you looking at? Pornography again? I told you, get off that shit.

I tell you, they got to trace you little midget fetish over there. Get your shit together. What, what, Lee? The shape of his shit. I give him a couple fucking hot. Dogs, look what happens to them. There's no edibles here, FPI. What does the hot dogs have to do with anything?

Because that's what's going on. I give you a couple hot dogs laced with angel dust. Oh. What's the shape of you? Fucking Renaissance fairly. You're really starting to lose it. You're really, really, really just... You're taking a crown?

I'd rather you go to a ghetto and say an ethnic slur and run away. You know, I'd rather you do something like that. I don't think that's going to go well for me. Yeah, something that has value. What do you do is this, practice is a skateboard first and get good on the skateboard, and after six months, go to a Chinese neighborhood and your ethnic fucking thing,

spare ribs and shit, and let them chase you. That's better than going to some fucking fair and make them believe you, some pirate, whatever the fuck is wrong with you. I never said it was a pirate. What's next? They're going to fuck you in the ass at one of those things. I can't wait.

You come back all depressed. like a 16-year-old Catholic girl after the dance. You come back all depressed and shit with that one eye clothes. What am I going to do with you? A fucking renaissance fan. This fucking chat. You can't get comfortable. The microphone's broken.

I sip in like fucking Tom Brady. Anyway, folks, it's a fucking, we're going to have a great fucking September. What do you laugh at my? I feel it in my balls. You know what I'm saying? I just feel good. I just feel really good again. You know, I was thinking about mental health

the other day. How when I came here five years ago, I had a little mental health issue. I mean, listen, I'm always fucked up. The edibles and the mushrooms and the fucking hot dogs don't help it. But I work on it, and I write, and I tried to, I was in therapy for a while,

and I learned how to talk it out, and I learn little fucking things. And I feel like, I think it got in the middle of my comedy for a while it really did because I remember being on stage and still I feel it there's some nights

I can't get through I just can't get through and it's the same material tuned up or whatever but I felt better after the last bucket show we're doing another bucket show the 18th of September

at the dojo comedy tickets should be on sale in two days whatever it's a great show very creative you know I'm hearing from different comedians Like people are taping it

Now I'm gonna tape my next thing I have a day Shit happens you know Shit happens up there So that's what I needed guys I had so much shit going on The hospital Doctors stitches in my ear

Now I gotta go back to the doctor For my ear It's bleeding again My wife found I asked my wife I go take a look at what's going on back there And I heard her to go Holy shit

And I go what And she goes let me get a tweezer And she took She pulled out a fucking stitch a metal stitch because this shit was hurting the thing finally went down the other day the top of my ear was

on fire I'm like what the fuck is this and it would stanging shit in my wife goes not only do you have a piece of metal in there there's a fucking white hat deep in there it was a fucking dog this whole year this is 14 months

I must have done something bad to somebody they put them a luke on me and it's okay I'll take it like a man I did a lot of bad things I deserve a lot of things. Yeah, I'm not going to sit here and go, why does this happen to me? No, I did a lot of creepy things.

I did, you know, I robbed a few people, you know, shit like that. You're going to pay for your sins. But I feel better now. I feel a little bit more free now. I know it wasn't a mid-life crisis because I would have bought a Corvette and tried to leave my wife for a 19-year-old. Yeah, even though I can't fit in one.

I go on a Corvette, I need 18 caro practice. I can't say. You imagine me. driving up from Marbrook 3. You guys have to come out. The auto body guy here. What's his name? Melvi over here's got to pull me out

with the fucking auto body. With the whole scissors of life, whatever the fuck they call them. What they call them? The scissors of death when they pull you out with the helicopter. I don't think they call them death. It doesn't matter.

Go back to your coma. Look at the shape. You can't give me these my elbows. I didn't give you nothing. You show up looking like you spent a weekend in Auschwitz on a fucking retreat. What the fuck?

I don't know how to respond. Somebody all fucked up with no suntan. That's a weekend in Auschwitz. You want to go hang out with pale people. I am pale. No, but that's the reason why. You should hang out with black people up in the Bronx and jumped around and play sword.

That's what you do next weekend. Bring a sword up to one of the black neighborhoods. Bedford style. One of those? Go up there and say Biggie sucks and just, Swat your sword down the street And see how long you last

When I'm gonna get a sword Look at you Huh? Where should I about get this sword? At the point shop A pawn shop When they bring your computer Bring that fucking keyboard

Took eight hours to start the show I got to hear three in the afternoon You're over there electrocuting yourself And shit cock sucker It never ends here At the church of what's happening now The new edition What do you got cooking in the map

The next couple weeks? What do you got? This week coming up on Thursday, I'm opening for Josh Wolf in Newtown, Connecticut, and on September... Buy tickets now. And then on September 20th... No, no, don't worry about December 20th. You're living for Thursday night. Get on there.

Where's the show at? It's, uh... Jesus Christ. Look at it. It's in Newtown, Connecticut. Edmond Town Hall. Edmont Town Hall. Where is it?

In Newtown Connecticut. Newtown, Connecticut. What's the link? How much of the tickets? What's next off to eat? What's down the corner? they can park their car. You know what I did see, actually?

Actually, I did look at... When you come see me Saturday in fucking Florida, park the car in the garage. Give it to a Cuban guy. You're good. You know what I'm saying? Mienti. Tell them, Uncle Joey sent you.

Five dollars, you walk in, get a cocktail at the bar. There's a couple restaurants. They're fucking tremendous. There's a Chinese place down there I'm looking for. We're going to be at the steakhouse either Friday or Saturday night. I'll tell you whatever you want to hear for Saturday night

because we're on the fucking express. You know what happened? Keep my soul. Where'd they go? We're happy. What happened? We're in Teeterboro. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Anyway, tickets are on sale for Philadelphia, Parks, Casino, for the night before Thanksgiving. We also have December 6th at Caesar's Casino. And then I think of the Pantheon. That's it, man. The Pantheon. November 8. November 8. MGM, Grand Ware, Maryland.

See? And these clowns all be with me, slinging dick and giving our fucking autographs, okay? Yeah. Leet, what are you going to say? What do we got again Thursday night? Start from scratch. On Thursday night, I'm with Josh Wolfe.

Compose yourself. I'm composed. Don't look at me. Look at the fucking camera. Are you ready? Go. On Thursday night, I'm opening for Josh Wolf at Edmontown, Hall, Newtown, Connecticut.

p.m. September 26th, I'm headlining, September 26th. Oh, that's right. Okay. Yeah. September 26. I'm very excited. I'm headlining the dojo and Moore is playing through New Jersey for the first time. A lot of great comics are opening for me. It's going to be a good time. Pedro Garcia's going to feature for me. We got a lot of great people. So it's going to be great night. Who else are going to be there? Everyone's going to be there. Every comic. Sheba Mason's going to be on the show. What chicks are going to be there, sucking dick in the bag? The hottest. Sell them, sell it. All the hottest chicks hang out and tiffs.

All the freaks go to the least I-ass shows. Dude, I promise you the food's good. I've been working really hard. Bruce Springston will be there. I get fucked up one night. Only surprised. Everybody will be there. You know what I'm saying?

It's fucking awesome. The sheriff will be there. I love you, motherfuckers. Where's the date? September 26th. September 26th. September 26. Well, yeah, I'm fucking...

At the dojo with shit in Morristown, New Jersey, man. So headlining his shit. There he goes. He goes from Morris Plains to fucking Harvard Plains in fucking Iowa next week.

After that, that's his career. He goes from Morris Plains to fucking the plains in Montana. That's a nice resort out there. You need to get the horse to get up there, so... I love you, brother.

I'm proud of you. Thanks, buddy. Stay black. Have a great week. Get this fucking train going because it ain't stopping until the 31st. And that's it. Let's get this party ended. Have a great week.

Bam! Boom-bye. What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joe here. Listen to me. It's fall. The leaves are changing. And so is your fucking nutsack.

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