Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Dog, It's a party!

Episode Date: April 22, 2025

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt break down their recent trip to Austin for The Moontower Festival. They talk about their time at The Mothership, Joey tells a hilarious never before heard story about a time that Adam Sandler had to tell Joey to put his "speedbag" away on The Longest Yard, Joey and Lee break down what, "making it" means to them, and much more! Support the show and get 3 months of cell service with Mint Mobile for just $15 a month. Head to https://www.mintmobile.com/CHURCH  Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app today and use code JOEY. New customers bet just $5 to get $200 in bonus bets instantly.

What's happening you bad motherfuckers? It's Tuesday the 22nd of April, the day the devil was buried in sea. The church of what's happening now, New Testament, coming at you. Let's get this fucking party started. We're back! What's up you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here, my main man Lee Syatt. We're solo, just how you like it. No guest today, nobody busting your balls.

Just us, coming at you direct, you know what I'm saying? Just you to bust my balls. Nah, you're gonna be fine, cocksucker. We had a great last week. Anybody who came out to the Paramount, I wanna thank you with all my heart. You guys were great audiences. I was fucking really nervous in front of you guys.

I didn't know what to expect, but you guys, I was going to Texas, who the fuck am I kidding? I'm happy, Lee Syac came down, me had two great sets. He got fucked up the first night at Terry Black's. He had to eat an Adderall at fucking Mitzi's. Dude, I found out a lot. So I didn't get fucked up at Terry Black's,

but I think you brom to Terry Black's on purpose Someone reached out and was like hey edibles hit you harder when you have fat like fatty food So you brought me to the home of fatty food when you're eating those carnita lizard skins You eat pork tacos when all the time you have carnitas when all the time in LA you had carnitas? I don't know what you're talking about this last. Did you see me eating carnitas off the food truck? No, I know I got a grubbersado the fucking steak. Okay. I don't know what you're talking about I don't need you used to get mad at me for eating steak tacos. No, I don't eat pork on the road Okay, you've been I respect that shit. We're the kings of the pork

Why would I go out with the minglets and eat that shit that they make? That pulled pork shit? You could take that shit and shove it up your mother's ass. I hate pulled pork more than anything in the fucking world. Oh, me too. And barbecue pork, fuck you. You wanna rock with me?

Come down to Las Brises and get the pork chunks and then come fucking talk to me. Or get the fucking pernil, that meat that's clean Bobby with the yukon aside Yeah, I don't even eat that shit. I just want the fucking perennial if it's not that I don't want it You know this no pork. Okay. No, no, I don't never eat carnitas out. That's a fucking that's a listen That's a percentage of ruining your asshole. You have to look at carnitas and lizard skins and go to yourself, what are the percentages of my asshole surviving? The guy's got one glove on.

The other hand, he just picked his nose, he scratched, he's changing dollar bills. He's got cocaine in his hand, dirty hands, and he's in your fajitas. Now, don't get me wrong, sometimes that adds to the seasoning. Right or wrong, I had a fat black dude in Dallas one time sweating on the pork chop. Best pork chop I've ever had in my life. 400 pounds, one pit off his forehead.

When his head sweat would hit the pork chop, he'd go, like a sizzle. You know what I'm saying? Yah! I ate like eight of those motherfuckers on white bread at $2 a piece. Oh, he was just selling it out of his car or something? I just stayed right there. I was hired and fucked after a show. It was a black show. And this chubby little black dude was out there,

one of those Bahama Mama white beaded shirts with stains on it. Somebody shot him with a musket. He had different holes in it. And he's out there fucking making these fucking pork chops with the bones in them, George. It's 99 degrees. It's Dallas. Oh my God. It's 99 degrees, it's Dallas.

Oh my God. It's eight o'clock at night and this guy is drenched. He's just dropping titty sweat and armpit sweat and the pork chop will go, sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Eight of those motherfuckers. I even the last one I ate him out of white bread He gave me the fucking he gave me the elbow at the end the fucking hard part Then you give to the pigeons at the Puerto Rican see them said oh my god. You had eight pork sandwich Oh my god. I was 400 pounds. Would you correct me to get? But see that's why I was 400 pounds because I was eating pork on the road, but that was Tremendous that was not, I studied him, I watched him.

He was cutting it. I was watching the night before, I was watching how he was marinating the pork chop and I also watched how he was dipping them the fucking thing with the seasoning. He was a savage, he was putting like the Cuban shit, not the Cuban shit, the other mojo or the other one? Adobo, he was putting them in adobo

so I knew the motherfucker knew what he was doing. On a grill and then he would smash him And he had 400 pounds of bone and sweat Oh be that day, you know what I'm saying? So when you were that heavy like you wouldn't mind eating in public like when I was that fat I would hate I had no Choice I had 28 dollars in my pocket. I could stroll into fucking the palm and edge water No, I mean like I would be to go. I'm trying to eat clean meat, but I told you in 95 I was getting subway sandwiches veggie and cheese and even still I wouldn't eat the meat in my lowest times. I

Would never eat that lizard meat. That's just to let you know I'm not like you you don't eat that fucking pigeon meat I don't I don't think I've been a subway in ten you. It doesn't matter because you got medals from Subway. They sent you a plaque and shit. You and that pedophile, that motherfucker that's still in jail. That motherfucker's still in jail. Last time I heard about him, he's getting super fat again. He's getting super fat because he's eating carbs.

What do you think they give you fucking lean meat in prison? Oh, I heard it was like honey buns. He's going old school. Oh yeah, he's going on. And he's sucking dick They're raping him in there. He's getting beat up. Remember an article came out like three years ago He's getting beat up like the first month. He had a black eye and shit. Yeah. Oh, yeah They got and then once they know you're a pedophile they give it to you

They somebody finds out they suck between every place you go. They're gonna fuck you. That's and trust me I'm I'm for that. But how do they make that fuck you. That's, and trust me, I'm for that, but how do they make that rule? They're like, okay, pedophile, we're gonna kill you. You killed 30 people, but you're cool. Like, I just don't, like, I don't get where the rules lie. You killed 30 people, they put you on a death sentence, right?

Or a life in prison. If you got the death sentence, you exhaust it with appeals. Right. And someday you'll have to face the music, but by that time it might be 18 fucking years from now. So you could buy yourself 18 years of pedophiles, unless somebody dies, they just put you in jail,

they do that liquid castration. Oh shit. Where they give you those pills to knock your dick off and so you don't get heart them, I don't know. Right. I don't know. So I just heard about this maybe two or three years ago, that some prisons give you yeah

If you have a long sentence, they give you that medication To no, that's all Peter. It's something to fuck. It's chemical castration. Yeah, yeah chemical castration So in time you're done, you'll never bother nobody again, you know by that time you Dude, it's crazy. Did you see that? They're they're Executing people now with with the firing squads? Like guns? Where? In America.

Over the last couple of months, there's been a couple of people who have chosen firing squad. That's fun. I mean, you have to really, let's say you shoot somebody, right? And you get the chair. You ever go see what happens to you in the chair? Yeah, and if the chair don't work, you're still half alive, your eyeballs hanging,

and they're like, shoot him, shoot him. They're giving you all this shit for your heart. I'd rather, listen, that's the best way to go. If somebody says, listen, you gotta go in the morning. Pick your poison, cyanide, fuck it, whatever. You like that. You walk out there, they raise the flag, ta ta ta ta. There's a guy behind you, a little drum, ta ta ta ta.

Ta ta ta ta, ta ta ta ta. They put you to the wall, they take the mask off you. You have the thing around your hand, any last request. Do you like a cigarette? Yeah, they give you a little cigarette, right? Whether you smoke or not, you take the cigarette. You know what I'm saying? You kill an extra three times. that's extra three minutes you're

out there with you smoke that cigarette to the fucking filter you got another one now now now just one cigarette shit then they put a blindfold on you it's only you're watching the guy shoot you if they put the blindfold on then you start praying well holy Mary mother of God God, pray for, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. And you're mortified, that's it, you're dead. That's the way to go. But you wanna be sitting in a place, and they fucking pray, and then they put a mask on you, and they shoot, why are we talking about this?

This is going to the chair. I'm not, I'm, I'm, thank God. Why are we going to the chair? I didn't even do nothing. That's where I felt like I was going on Wednesday in fucking Austin. Dude, I was, that was the highest I've been in a while.

And all you had was 200 milligrams and two coconuts I had 300 milligrams and He was fucking falling asleep next to my friend. Oh, I was talking to my friend He was like and finally thank God. She's a savage. She goes leap taking that a roll I was scared after that he was drinking fucking What was he drinking makers market? I come on. You had like two of his hang on. Okay, let's go home I had a few I had some fun at that stop. You had wanted to and that was the end of that fuck

How many did you have you actually did have some margaritas? I forgot about that. You never drink never and I was popping spicy margaritas with the good Tequila and you saw me walk out of there alcohol does not affect me It's not Saturday night night I had to meet somebody. I was sitting there for two hours and I finally go, fuck it, give me a margarita. And I drank it on the way home. I had to think about it for a minute. Am I fucked up?

I'm like, not at all. In fact, I even tried cutting the lines just to fuck with people. In case there was a helicopter out there or something. You know what I'm saying? Ha ha ha. But that was a lot of fun. That was a... Dude, because I've been...

Like, that... Austin was the first place I ever did anything on the road. You let me do, like, three minutes on a late show at the old Cap City. And I was so fucking nervous that after I got off stage, my legs shook. I had to lean against the wall. My legs shook for, like, 10 minutes. Like, I just couldn't deal with the adrenaline that I had. And then I've been back a couple of times, but that was, it was the biggest room I've ever done. And I think it was the first festival I ever did,

which is fucking awesome, thank you. That was a crazy, that was a crazy experience. You know, I remember when I was doing comedy eight, nine years, and everybody would have festivals. And nobody would ever invite me to these things after a while you're like what the fuck then I finally get invited I get invited to the Toyota Comedy Festival in New York City like 1999 and your whole family comes out and I don't know who else and I get there and the kid kept

telling me you're gonna go up in telling me you're gonna go up in five minutes. You're gonna go up in five minutes I got a hot audience here From 10 o'clock to 12. He told me you're gonna go up next then he put a salsa band up And then I went up and ate a bag of dicks And when I got off stage he gave me 25 bucks and. And I went home embarrassed, embarrassed with people who came to see me. I felt like such a fucking asshole. And I saw that motherfucker years later, and he's like, hey man, that night,

I go, don't even fucking say nothing to me. That was the setup, you motherfucking, guess what happened to him? He died of cancer. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him. I love how you keep track of all his-

And a slow death. He was on one of those GoFundMe, like skeleton shit. Fuck him. And slow death. He was on one of those GoFundMe, like skeleton and shit. Fuck him. I ain't sending that motherfucker dying. I was gonna say, did you send him like 20 cents? Nothing. That's what you get for putting me on after the salsa band.

He was fucking a horrible comic and he didn't wanna get shown, you know, he was like the hoes. You remember that night? I think you were there, George. I was fucking furious that night, but that was it. Every other festival gave me shit I wasn't good enough that that meanwhile met the store killing motherfuckers

And they're like now you can't come do off and then I look at the schedule and I'm like these are okie-dok Motherfuckers anyway. Yeah, what am I gonna do with these fucking peasants? And then they would give you like $50 a set like remember they had one in Ohio and all those every year Oh, yeah, you're all for me every year. Oh, yeah, they offered me They're like, yeah, we'll give you $55. Listen save the $55. I read the spot at the store Yeah, or they'll like they'll be like, oh, we'll give you a hotel room We have to share with two other comics and now at least don't hit me up and give me an option To like headline a festival

That's cool be one of the three guys or whatever. I don't mind doing that, but I'm bringing people that Would have to fight to get to a festival. And now you're in there. Now it's your credit. Whether they like it or fucking not. You actually performed at the Paramount Fucking Theater. Whether they like it or not, that's it. Whether they put your name on a flyer,

who gives a fuck? You did it. Right. I didn't even think about that. That's all that matters. Sold out, and that's all that matters. And that's why when you do those festivals, I try to take people that are gonna fight for their life

to get into a festival. You're not with three managers or three certain agents. They're not gonna look at you for those festivals. So is that how you get it? At your level, I know that your agent, who knows how it's gonna be. But no, I never got a call for a festival before until I started saying, put me in some fucking festivals.

Oh shit, okay. Because they're like one night, two nights, and I'm outta there. I'm not going to the festival premiere, I'm not going to any of the fucking parties, I'm not gonna, I don't wanna sing, I don't wanna play the bongos, I don't wanna do anything. I sing I don't want to play the bongos. I don't want to do anything

I just want to focus on my fucking show Do the best I can at my show and get the fuck out of there And I'm surprised to hear you say that you were nervous. You didn't seem nervous always fucking nervous Well, you're always nervous, but like it's how you didn't like you said you were nervous to go out there didn't say like Oh, I'm not gonna sit there with my knees banging, you know, I'm not that type of nervous. Listen, I've told you a thousand times, if you don't get nervous, quit. Right.

Quit. If you don't give a fuck how they're gonna feel or what reaction they're gonna give you, quit. You always have to be a little nervous. And then when you touch the microphone, the thing comes out of your stomach, a little fart comes out of your ass, you hold the microphone, that's where every,

that's when you know you're on. Whatever's in that midsection, whatever butterfly, whatever heart palpitation you're having, once you touch that, what was the movie? Carrie, when the guy touches the microphone, he chokes to death on the stage. I just saw it the other day, it was on last week, at about two in the afternoon.

I went home and watched it with my wife, tremendous, the last half hour. Oh shit, where the blood comes down? Yeah, when the goat, and then she goes home and the fucking mother tries to stab her. Fucking tremendous movie. Fuck, I haven't seen that in a long time. Well, it was time, anyway.

Yeah, that's what I don't like about all that shit. The festivals, the people you see are people that have big people that are agents, and when the festival people call them, they go, oh, you're looking at Joey Deas? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, hold on. You gotta look at Lee first. You gotta look, hold on. You gotta look at Lee first. You gotta look at this guy.

You gotta look at this guy. He's making waves, he's getting spots at the store. His podcast was number 88 on Global. And they get him in because you're calling for me. So that's what you get as an agent, is leverage. When you have a name, you have leverage. You have Shane Gillis, you have Chris Rock, you have Joe Rogan, that's leverage.

Then you have the bottom guys, the guys that were me 30 years ago on the bottom that were looking up waiting for a fucking something to drop. Does anything ever fucking drop from up there? You know what I'm saying? It's crazy, because I applied to a bunch of festivals, I got into the Boston. Yeah, $35. Oh yeah, yeah, oh. Because I applied to a bunch of festivals. I got into Boston. $35.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Go fuck yourself. Who the fuck are you to judge me? And I got to give you $35. Go fuck yourself. You know what I'm saying? At one point as a comedian or even as a human being, you got to sit there and go, let me think of this dynamic

one more time here. OK, I'm a desperate comment I'm trying to get on the board, but how desperate am I by sending a $35 gifts it to whatever the fuck you got I Certified check for 35 and trust me people been doing this for years And I remember when I was that comic and mate went to a how to go to a black club club mix Then that club ended because they shot more people on Comedy Show. Oh my God. I had to go down there and make a tape

on a Wednesday night to send it, which I knew. If I was fucking got a standing ovation on that tape, they weren't gonna put me in the festival. And this is 1995, 94, and I had to pay $35 then. Never heard from them again. Then they made me, they wrote me, if you wanna be whatever, a volunteer and work the show.

I was so fucking embarrassed. I felt like fucking crying. So now you're taking my 35 bucks and you wanna give me a volunteering job so I get experience so I can learn what a stage looks like, really. Ain't that a bitch, you know what I'm saying? Why do you think some comics forget about this stuff because they're not

Looking at the big picture. They're not going wait a second. I'm sending 35 hours to somebody Who I don't fucking know this guy don't run a network No, this guy don't run a network. This guy doesn't know what talent is. What we sending this to I want you to figure out Who you're sending it to some guy? Joey Diaz, been in various films and performed all over the world. Show me the money. Show me his resume.

Show me that IMDB. What movies has he been in? Oh, he was an extra on Cha Cha Man. That's not over. And that's what we buy into. I see it now. I subscribe to comedy pages to see all the scams. I don't have the balls yet.

It's like four guys on there pitching their Zoom comedy. We've done thousands of cruise ships and thousands or whatever. And Young Comics wanna meet those guys. I took one class at the University of Colorado for 35 bucks and I took one at the New York Comedy Club for 50. And listen, the guy was mediocre but I learned one thing. That stand-up is you or something. What your beliefs are is against the world beliefs. And that's it.

Right. You've told me that for a while. For a long time. So, you know, they have all these scams to try. Listen, when you get to Hollywood, Hollywood's about to go under. But here's the funny thing. When you get to Hollywood, you sign with an agent. You finally get an agent. And then they're like, all right,

let me look at your headshot. Oh, we don't like that headshot. We never liked that headshot. We want to get you in front of big names. Here, take a list, call one of these people, tell them you want a headshot. That Sandy sent you, they'll take good care of you. Oh my God, Boris.

Oh my God, the headshots he does. Now you call Boris. Boris wants to charge you 800 bucks because they already told them what characters you're going to say. They have to take a picture of you as a fireman, you as a pizza man, those are all 300 a piece. Then these motherfuckers make you go get copies. Oh yeah.

Which all those businesses are out of business in LA because the headshot is obsolete. There's no, nobody has a solid headshot. I think I was the last person to buy a headshot. Yeah, and you still have to throw them away. Oh, I threw them away when I left LA. I threw away boxes of them. I got still some head shots left,

but they're fucking useless. They're from 30 years ago. Jeez. So then they get you there. Then you get a commercial agent, and they're like, we love your look. There's the paperwork to what you gotta do with your head shots.

Now you gotta go to La Brea, stand on stand online and pay another $80 to get into a fucking web thing so the agents could look at your headshot then they bang you with another website then they bang you in another website listen it's a bang fest and you're 21 you just graduated from college you were gonna go work for your father but you called your grandfather, and told him that you really wanted to be an actor. You and your friends used to jerk off and watch Saturday Night Live,

and thought it was the best thing you ever watched. So now you're gonna, your grandfather's gonna go, okay, I'll give you my inheritance up early, and he gives you like 100 grand, and you go to Hollywood, bro. And you fall for all the scams. They see you coming. Breathing exercises for acting,

how to move and balance and acting. Eee. It is un-fucking-real. Oh, dude, like a year before we left LA, I did a commercial acting class. And I did it, and then this commercial agent reached out to me, I went down to his office and I swear to God name a Luke some night camera I think I can't remember maybe Zulik or something like that yeah dude I was in

the waiting room and there was a little person in his office a girl and he calls me and he goes and this was when I was over 300 pounds and I he went he looked straight at me he's like yeah I think we're gonna do good things. The only other fat guy I have is a ginger and it scares people. So he was just, all he did was look on that website for like weird looking, he had the little person, he had the fat guy.

And that was all he had was just weird people. And that, like it was, and I still get, I got more auditions when I left LA. He still sends me emails somehow. Remember he sent you in for a show as the fat guy that wiggled and you wouldn't do it. I don't wanna do it for 300 dollars. Oh I didn't, do he what?

And I'm like, dog, you're just gonna set your career on fire. And he's like, I don't wanna do it for 300 dollars. I moved, I was in Massachusetts, I got an email to fly to LA to audition to be the fat guy like dancing on Tosh.0 like tomorrow. They were like, you gotta be here tomorrow. And I'm like, no, I don't to be the fat guy like dancing on Tosh.0 like tomorrow. They're like, you gotta be here tomorrow. And I'm like, no, I don't wanna, I don't wanna be the fat guy dancing. And I'm not gonna fly there to probably not get it either.

My God. I had never experienced that. Like I went to, I went to like three auditions. And it was like, how everyone, whenever you hear about auditions on like podcasts, like you go and there's 80 of you in a room. I went and there were 20 of me, and it was scary. And they were like, cause you were supposed to be outside in your pajamas getting the newspaper,

and so all the other guys were in pajamas. It was not, I think that was rock bottom for me. And I was just going, just realizing what I looked like. And that's non-union, too. Oh, it was all non-union. Yeah, that's a fucking nightmare. That's why they keep you there all day for like 500 cash. Well dude, I was thinking about,

I was talking with someone recently about when I met you, I was there editing reality TV and right, like literally, I think a week before I left my job and we just did this full time, I went to a meeting to join the editor's union. And like, it was crazy, dude, in another life. Like I'm 600 pounds in LA, either dead or editing. Like it's just, it was crazy, like where my life almost went.

And yeah, I was, dude, they scam you there. When I was editing, I got a call one day to edit the poker TV shows Not the big one like the small one They wanted to give me like 800 a week and then they can use you this was the best they said listen You know how every other job you work five days a week here You have to agree to work Saturdays, but we almost never asked you to do it Which means they asked you to do it every week. Yeah.

Six days a week for eight, and I still have to pay the dues, like you have to pay the dues. That would have been crazy, dude. It was a wild, it's wild how that happened. It's crazy how you go to school for something. Yeah. And then you get there and you're like, fuck. That's not what I signed up for.

I was looking for the bitches. Oh yeah. I was looking for chicks in bikinis and shit and porno. In my mind, I thought I was going to be editing Scorsese's movie. That was my dream to edit a fucking cool movie. And I got to do some really cool TV shows, but the peak of what I was going to do was reality TV. And now I'm talking to people and they're not even getting that.

They're getting like you're editing someone's YouTube channel. Like that's what I would've done in school and paid all those college loans back for to be some YouTube, and you can make a good living doing it, and there's nothing wrong with it, but that's not what my dream was. You know, it's crazy what they saw you out there,

and now it's just going down. That's it, it's crazy what they sell you out there. And now it's just going down. That's it, it's over. Production companies are moving out of there. People are working for tax breaks from other states. You know, they have to get a state to agree to like a five year tax break. And that state's gonna fucking blow the fuck up. Oh yeah.

And every state does it for about two years. Then they go, we can't do this no more. And that's the end, that's it. Houses dry up, jobs dry up. We need a state that'll do it, just like California. What happened to California was it got so expensive to shoot in California. Say this to me again.

It's like you telling me it's too expensive in Detroit to build a car there. You know what I'm saying? That's what happened in California. That's why. And production, listen, when I got there, bro, there was always auditions, there was this, there was that. It was kind of a joy.

I had more options. On Fridays, I would be, I would have to snort coke. I would have to snort coke from all the movies I auditioned for and the commercials and where I was hanging. You know, I couldn't wait till Monday now to find out. You know, maybe Sunday night, it's Friday, I don't have any fucking money, I got to pay the rent. You know, it was stressful that game of fucking sitting there all week and waiting, you know? So, and then it just ended. After 2007, whatever happened in 2007, that was the end. That was the end.

When like the economy crashed. Listen, I fucking did great 2000 to 2005. My career went down after the longest year I came out, which usually most people go up. Mine went stuttered. It just fucking stayed there flat. From 2000, I shot 20 fucking things for TV and movies and taxi and this. Then I just, I was shooting these short films and these fucking low-budget things.

And then I started picking up steam. I got sober and I'm like, oh shit, oh shit and all of a sudden one day I'm in fucking Sacramento and I'm opening up for Gabriel but Gabriel's coming on Friday but they wanted us there all week so it was me and another comedian. We're gonna work Wednesday and Thursday. And then open for Gabriel. This is like the craziest week ever. And fucking Wednesday morning radio, I got into an argument with the other comic.

We almost went to blows right on radio. On morning radio? We were gonna go outside and fuck it up. And the manager had to go in there, the radio staff. So we did the show Wednesday night. I didn't like what was going on. And fucking Thursday I go to Red Lobster to eat lunch because it was right next to that hotel and I got a fucking call.

And it's an agent of mine and a friend of mine. They're like, dog, Greg Garcia is looking for you. I'm like, are you fucking, for what? And they're like, he's got a new, you know, my name is Earl, and they're doing like, the whole season about a prison. I'm like, get the fuck outta here. So I'm in Sacramento, and I go,

what time I gotta be there tomorrow? And they go, you could be there by one. So I said, fuck it, I'll be there. I did that last show Thursday, Friday morning I woke up, took the 6 a.m. flight to L.A., walked in that room, had them laughing, booked it before I even got to the airport to come back. And at the airport I got a call already.

It was Rogan telling me, listen, what are you doing this week? And he goes, Ari got a commercial. Come to San Francisco to Cobbs and do five shows. I was like, fuck it, I'm on the plane, cocksucker. That's wild. So I came all the way down, did the two shows with them, and then I did five shows up there

and I booked Greg Garcia. So now, he's fucking calling me at four in the afternoon. Greg Garcia, what are you doing? I got a scene for you, come on down. We're an hour away and that's how it was. Once or twice they actually called me and gave me a call sheet. I said, you got to be here tomorrow, one in the afternoon.

First time I showed up to that set, zero fucks were given. I was sober from coke, but I was smoking weed like a fucking soldier. And you guys will never see this. Find the shirt, find the picture of me with a weed thing on my shirt. Right. I'm not a fucking poster child.

I smoke weed, I don't have to fucking advertise it. That's my belief since I was a kid. Right. But somebody gave me a shirt from a weed store. They gave one to me and God rest his soul, Ralphie. They actually went out of their way and made Ralphie like a 7X. they made me like a 4X because I was big. They made me a 4X but once you wash it,

it just felt your body. There's not too many shirts that do that but you know that one or two shirts you have that just, you go damn my shit's looking tight. Yeah I love those shirts. You know what I'm saying? And from the side you're still a fat fuck. From the front, at a certain angle, your shit is smooth.

You look like fucking Superfly walking into Harlem. Like that type of shit. Oh yeah. But I loved this shirt. It just felt good. The cotton, the guy spent money on them. And I had like a big weed thing, and I had camouflage shorts on,

and I went on the set of this. Now usually you walk on the set, people don't say dick to you. As soon as I walked on that set, people would turn around, look at me with their shirt and go, yeah! Yeah, and I'm in there eight minutes, and I'm like, ah, these motherfuckers

are smoking weed on the set. Oh shit. So I went right into my green room, fucking rolled up a bone, they had a little vent over the fucking thing, and I was in there fucking puffing. They knock on the door, Joey, you're on, come on, go in there.

Then they put me in a prison suit. That was the prison thing. Yeah, I remember that. So I did one, two episodes on the books, and then he would just call me at four and go, Joey, come on down, I want you in the scene. Don't worry, you're gonna get paid. Don't worry.

Fuck yeah. And I would go down and then he goes, he called me and he goes, what's your comedy schedule look like? After 2007, or 2008, I go, I'm wide open. I just got weekends with Rogan. He goes, we're gonna shoot 13 more episodes in that fucking prison, bro. I'm like, oh shit, and in my mind, I'm like,

I'm gonna be on TV during pilot season Which never fucking happens That means people are trying to pick their pilots and they're watching you on NBC on some show You might be reoccurring on or something It was perfect and the fucking strike came And that was the end of that and And do you did you at all think like maybe when the strikes over they'll just pick it back up I knew that once the strike the strike went on for a few months and by the time they got everything back together That changed the storyline people had moved on you know how many people do you think like?

There must be hundreds of people who have stories like they could have been the next big fucking anything, but then something happened. Anybody ever see the Green Book? Yeah. Remember the beginning when they stole that guy's hat? He was at the club and somebody stole his hat. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And Virgo Morrison brings his hat back. That dude was one day, one day, from being one of the biggest fucking stars in Hollywood. Holy shit. One day. He was the original character for Don Johnson. They had put him on retainer, 750,000 if the series went, everything.

He had it till that Friday. And Don Johnson walked in with a suntan, looking like Johnny, but this Italian guy was good looking too back then. That's why they had him. He was a really good looking guy. He's old and he's still fucking like, dog's a good-looking fucking dude he's got to be 70 now and I guarantee he's still slinging dick with Viagra and shit he's

got the teeth in he's out there that that that that that that that oh my god yeah that dude was one day away till that Friday so they gave him the deal on Monday and that Friday Don Johnson they gave him the deal on Monday. And that Friday, Don Johnson walked into that room. Could you imagine how much I would have taken that 750,000 snorted coke just like he did all the way till my fucking heart gave out? I don't know how you don't.

I don't, cause like if I don't make it because I'm just not as funny, like as much as that would suck I would understand it. But like if I feel like I like got screwed for some reason That's that has to kill you. We're gonna go to a break real quick. Remind me What are we talking about? If you make it? Okay, I just wanted to clarify this we're gonna go for a break real quick Talk about DraftKings We'll be back hey uncle Joey here listen the playoffs have arrived and you should be throwing some bets with DraftKings

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Voighton, Ontario, new customers only. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.co.slash audio. Hey, Uncle Joe here. Listen, I get it. We're all living in a crazy economy. It's time to figure out how to lower our bills.

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gigabyte plan required equivalent to a $15 a month. Come on, new customer offer for three months only then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra but do me a favor, Seam cement mobile for details, all right, give them a shot. We're back, you savages. I remembered this time. What were you talking about? I wrote it down, we were talking about it, I said, if I make it.

Okay, define make it, because I'm sick and tired of hearing make it or I'm gonna be a millionaire or. No. Because people throw that out into the fucking wilderness. I know exactly what I want right now. Okay, what do you want? I want to have the ability to do any comedy club

in the country. I wanna be on the road between, as much as I wanna be, in my head right now, that's 30 to 40 weeks later in life, that might go down, but I wanna be able to headline and I want the shows to be sold out because people wanna come see me. And then honestly sold out is, yeah, that's an end goal. Right now I'd be happy to have like 200 people come

and wanna come to every show. That'd be bad. I can't even, it's like I see it cause I'm around people who do it, but to like have that is like a dream to me. That's like, it's amazing. I can't even comprehend it, having that be my life. What about just being funny?

I would love to just be funny, but the only, the reason I talk about it professionally is like that's what I was saying before. If I don't make it, I don't think I'd ever stop. But my goal is to make my living doing stand up. It's crazy, but unfortunately just being funny isn't enough to make that happen. Well, I came from a different background than you, Lee.

You went to college, you invested your fucking time, okay? You have a relationship right now, how old are you? 36. 36. I mean, you're still a young fucking man. I'm just trying to be realistic here. What happens? You know, What's the next move for you in life? You think you're gonna do Jimmy Kimmel or are you gonna get engaged? First?

Yeah, this is all involved now. This all becomes a ball now. Okay, and now it's like you have to look at that. I started comedy at 28 and it's like you have to look at that. I started comedy at 28 and three months later, I was divorced, I was separated. Those first five years, and I'm not saying nothing bad about being married or having a relationship in the beginning, you started being pretty tight with it.

You're telling me about 40 fucking weeks. No woman's gonna allow that. They'll be kicking your ass after the first 20. But we'll burn that bridge later. 40 weeks is a lot of weeks later. And I've never done it. Listen, I've done it and you can do it for about three years, sustain it.

With a base somewhere that you go and settle for a few days. Right. You know, from 98 to 2004, I was out until I got the longest yard. It was non-stop. Holidays, I was never home for this poor girl's birthday. My wife, never. The 28th Christmas Eve, never, never. I would tell her, just go home to your parents house. I'm not coming home because Houston would butcher me for two weeks. The best comedy club in the country at that time would tell me, come in the 22nd, do that week and the week all the way to New Year's Eve and then New Year's I bring in Jim Gaffigan and I would shoot to the comedy store. It's like I didn't lose a fucking thing. That's awesome.

You follow? And then I would work that, but I would always be gone. You know, for me also was mixed in addiction. I knew that I could go on the road and go into deep places and nobody would see me like the people right in front of you. You know what I'm saying? Right.

That's the best way to disappear. And that's the thing is I don't want to disappear. So when I say, honestly, I have, that was my goal, like even before I moved to New York, now that I'm here, part of those, and I'm just 40 weeks, I've only, I think I did like 30 something last year. Part of, I am, I want to live in New York. I love, I never want to leave here.

So if some of those weeks means I'm doing two spots a night at major clubs in New York, that would be amazing too. You know, when I was 36, it was 1999. I was a fucking, I was living with Ralphie, I would live with Gavin, I would live wherever. Whoever was out of town, that's whose bed I slept in. And there was always somebody out of town. You know what I'm saying?

So, and I was just, in those days it was so crazy, nothing was important to me. Like by 99, I was gone. Gone, like not on drugs. Gone, comedy wise. Like I was overstimulated. Like I didn't have an apartment. It was like being homeless and being a comic. So if I wasn't home at night sleeping on Josh's couch or something to do with that, I was somewhere writing with somebody. I was at the front

of the store with your t-shirt off stealing sodas from the store. You know, I mean, you improvise. But what I'm trying to say, it was like going to a six week training camp for me in those days. But it all ended with cocaine or somebody's couch, not having money, waking up in the morning. There was to be a gas station on Sunset. You would have loved this place. Since I'm a professional, it was a gas station on Sunset. You would have loved this place. Since I'm a professional, it was a gas station on Sunset

across from where the old Denny's was, where they put that restaurant that was kind of Jewish. They were from Israel and they had the bread. Oh yeah, the Israeli food, the Mediterranean food, yeah, right next to the guitar center. There you go, that used to be a fucking Denny's. That was the worst Denny's in America. That was Rock and Roll Denny's. That was the worst Denny's in America.

That was rock and roll Denny's. Everything on that block is called rock and roll. The rock and roll supermarket, they rock and roll because dog, it's a party. Friday night, that supermarket before three o'clock, you walk in there, you don't know who you're gonna see. When I first moved in, I saw the kid with the bandana who's bald, you know,

moving in the dance, poison. I saw him one night now, like a three, a quarter to three. Well, every time they closed the bar at two o'clock, Rock and Roll Ralphs sell booze by the gallon dog. And all you had to do was sit out there 20 to two, just to see the motherfuckers that came in last minute. So that extended over to Rock and Roll Denny's. I'm a one that I'm a Rock and Roll Denny's George. I got no fucking dough.

I got 12, $13. You know, I don't have to lie to nobody. It's 19, no, it's like 2001. And I got, this is the last $20 I got before I go to Kennedy Airport and Come into New York City to audition for analyze that On my birthday and I go to Denny's that night. I'm fucking starving. There ain't a soul in there

Maybe it like a waitress or something It's about one in the morning and I'm eating. I'll never forget two eggs with that fucking ham and toast and they give you those artificial potatoes chopped up. I don't know what they call them. And I get like the iced tea. I'm sitting there minding my business and dog something slides into me.

And I'm eating and I go what? And it's a fucking white girl, pretty, but all cracked up. This could only happen to me in Hollywood. All cracked up, bruises on her thighs, and she's picking up her dress to show me her pussy, and I won't bite. I refuse to bite. She's like, look at this.

Look what I have between my legs. I'll give you a good deal. Do you have a car? Oh, shit. Oh yeah, and the waitress is watching me, and I'm looking at her going. What do I do here somebody? Somebody fucking help me. I'll never forget this. She's rubbing my shoulders And I'm gonna talk a lot of line nobody here at a different time

If I had a package in my pocket that chick was good to go. You know I'm saying I'm not lying Nobody she wasn't bad-looking right? She was having a rough night, you know And and I'll never forget like I ate the eggs. I'll never forget, like I ate the eggs, I dipped the fucking bread, I ate the two yolks, and I looked at her and I go, you know what, you're right, you look hungry, and I left her the ham, and I got up and fucking tipped, tipped the fuck out of that dog, it was over.

That's Rock and Roll Rouse, that's Rock and Roll Denny's, then they knocked, then they shut him down, but anyway, we're getting to Rock and Roll, because there was a Rock and Roll gas station across the street. And he ran it by himself. And I would wake up, George, and just go in my pocket and pray.

In those days, I would just go in my pocket and wake up in the morning and say, let's see what's in there. Some mornings with coins, some days it was a dollar and coins. It was a really hard time. But I was at the store every night, and that's all that mattered to me.

That I was at the store every night following Paul Mooney, going 50 for 50. I didn't know what was gonna happen after I followed Paul Mooney. And then I would make my living going to Felipe Esparza's rooms, Willy Barsena's rooms. When we bumped into those dudes on the street, we were eating tacos the first night.

That dude with the- Alfred Robles? Alfred Robles came by us. I gave him a big hug and we started eating the taco, Alfred. And I go, and Alfred goes, Joey Diaz is, cause I said, congratulations, Alfred. I love Alfred Robles with all my heart. And he goes, Joey, I just want you to know

that all this started at the fucking whatever lounge. And he just, because we used to have it Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. And I picked up $40 a night. That's 120, that's a, that's, I got a half gram every night and I got gasoline, you know what I'm saying? Oh, I can't, I still can't believe you budgeted for cocaine.

It just, You had to show up with a 20 to the store. Just to get the party started. Maybe you mingle with the wrong person, they go, you know what, I got a hundred dollar bill. Go get five packages and now we'll take this to the next level. Oh my God. Oh yeah.

But anyways, you were saying... But I would make a living from those Felipe rooms. Then on the weekends somebody would take me on the road. I was pretty aggressive then. I would always go on the road. But my whole life was surrounded around those spots at night. Sitting back there watching whoever came in. In those days the store wasn't the story. It wasn't nothing. It was Paul Mooney who came in. Then dice started coming in. Everybody else was roguing people that nobody

knew. Nobody knew these people. This is before news. No this is started coming in everybody else was Rogan a people that nobody knew nobody knew these people is before news read this no this is news radio before fear factor it was a fucking nightmare there a Tuesday was eight people Tuesday's was eight people Wednesday was 30 Thursday's was maybe 60 was a great night and the weekends were sold out. It wasn't, no. It was nothing like the way it is today. But when you say make it, I just want you to understand

what you're saying, because a lot of people say make it, and they don't, they don't classify it. Right, no. Like for me, making it was being funny and not being an asshole. I didn't need a fucking ship. I don't need a butler. I don't need an assistant.

I don't need none of that shit. I just wanted to be a regular fucking dude that nobody would bother. But the ability to wake up in the morning and fucking tell you I want two eggs, I don't have to go in there with my change and shit in the morning. That's success to me, like a fucking dude like me,

I don't give a fuck. Me going to Nobu with 20 people and jumping up and down and being Johnny Banana, that's never been a big deal for me. That's the last thing I wanna fucking do in the world. Which I like to go to no boo and get some nice sushi drop couple 500 whatever, you know At least you know when I go into no boo. I'm just getting 20s from the ATM Okay, and every fucking Japanese guy gets it Don't call me what's that sushi sushi dynamite I'm kidding dynamite They'll call me what's that sushi sushi dynamite? I'm kid dynamite

If you're gonna go into a fucking sushi spot, that's the only way to do it Go to the ATM take 20s to start that hot black girl at the sushi place cuz they always got a black girl at the counter Yeah always with a nice black dress and nice black shoes on that looks like Whitney Houston and fucking My other girl put together and you're like, God, here's a 40. Every other Japanese gets a strict 20, you know what I'm saying? You're looking that good, you bad motherfucker. What does that get you?

That'll get you like the table right away? That's Johnny Bananas, no! That's what everybody wants to be. Nobody wants to walk in a club with a fucking frown and bunny rabbit ears and like, put me in the corner table so I could smell everybody's asshole as they walk by. You know what I'm saying?

Everybody all of us in this room at one time said, fuck we can't wait to walk into a club in New York City and go, here's 10,000 everybody suck my bitch. Oh yeah. Whiskey for everybody. Isn't that a dream for anybody? Was it just me? To walk in the club. I don't give a fuck if Trump is sitting there walking and go suck my dick and put a hundred grand down Drinks for everybody and just walk out dude. I had mine was similar, but mine was a casino

I want to be able to go in with like 10 grand and just say I saw one guy do that at the stratosphere He brought 10 grand to the blackjack table and they had to count it out and give him 10 grand chips and he made everyone wait. He could have gone to the cashier, but he made the whole table. And I was just like, he had 10,000 to put a thousand on each hand. Like that's what I want.

Fuck that, we're gangsters. I would love that. We get the 10 and go, drop it. You know what I'm saying? We're going with 10. Call them, call the dude in the tower. Call the Chinese dude in the tower. Oh yeah, China, China, China, ba!

Got you too, Rio. To say the signature or nothing. You'll never see me again. Right or wrong? That's the whole thing of doing this whole thing, but after a while you have to really, normal, I was watching that stupid show last night. And the one with Jon Hamm, he becomes a thief.

He's a stockbroker. On Apple TV, I haven't seen it yet. Yeah, on Apple TV, he becomes a thief. You know, just going like I did. Going to somebody's house, take a watch. But he's doing the old trick. They got 20 watches, just take one. They won't even know.

But it's interesting because, fuck, I forgot what, those edibles are hitting me. It's interesting. What we talking about? I gotta be honest. I don't remember, I remember it up until a second ago. George, Nick, Nick, nothing? Fucking God, George, you're supposed to be the editor.

The editor in charge of the editor. I got four people here who are so fucked up. Nobody knows nothing. No one can remember. Nah, I told George, I was giving him some dynamite weed tonight. I saw him take two hits and go right for pastrami sandwich. I knew it was all over, but the shout

and the condition on one hand, he was over there eating matzo ball soup, the whole fucking thing. Oh, giving people tips, going to the ball, to the club, to the casino we were talking about. Big shot. Being a big shot. Being a big shot. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, to the club, to the casino we were talking about. Being a big shot. Being a big shot. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, they go to,

I'm not gonna tell you the story, but last night they go to somebody's house. And the guy was on the championship NBA team. Okay. You know what I'm saying? The guy was retired now from the NBA, but he's one of those guys that has a beautiful house, gym in the garage, you know, a basketball court,

but outside it's just fucking trophies and pictures of him with Michael Jordan, you know, and they have a championship ring, but at one point, let me show everybody my toilet. It's a toilet from Japan that's worth a half a million dollars. It washes your ass, it steam cleans it, it deodorizes your nut sack, and all these people are like, ooh.

And at one point he goes, wait a second, anybody who could score on me, I'll give $10,000. And he's out there blocking all the white guys' shots. He's six foot seven, everybody's like Lee. Lee's throwing a hook, bye! You know. Yeah, everybody's like Lee. Everybody's like a little tennis dude,

and this guy's six foot eight, block me. Then when he block it, he take and slam dunk it, come on. They high so compile it, they had model. So fucking, you know, you look at those type of guys and at one point when you're watching at 18, you're like, and you're a basketball player, you go, I wish that's my house when I'm fucking 40. And as you get older, you're like,

I don't want nobody in my fucking house. You know what I'm saying? I don't want anybody in my house when I'm fucking 40. And as you get older, you're like, I don't want nobody in my fucking house. No. You know what I'm saying? I don't want anybody in my house looking at my fucking trophies and me being an asshole. That's too much, I don't know. I don't like a picture of me in the house. I don't like none of that shit.

I save one of Troy Conrad's pictures of me because it's really dark and it's just my fucking head. And I like that shit, but you're not gonna walk in my house there's pictures of me with celebrities me with Johnny bananas I don't want that shit your movie posters on the wall this p I've been to the Hollywood houses and like there was a couple that like you'd go and like every movie they had anything to do with head like they had the poster up in like their kitchen it was very short frame spider-man 2 for me and I got the longest yard I got from Adam I have no no idea what the longest yard is. Yeah, but you had it in

your office where it makes sense. You're not going there like doing, giving everyone a tour and showing them all the things, all the memorabilia that you have. That was never the house that you were in. In your office it makes, or like a couple around the house. But I'm agreeing with you. I know, it's really weird. I think once I got locked up that, because when I got locked up, but I always knew this going in.

When I got locked up, I met a lot of people who thought they were fucking Johnny Gumbot. Everybody in there was Johnny Bananas. Everybody will tell you they were part of a motorcycle gang. They were the mafia, they did work with the Chinese. But these guys are just fucking heroin dopes. They were just dopey people who were doing math and they couldn't get off the fucking,

they were in jail 20 years and they still were fucking doing speed. And he was in there for murder or something like that. It's, what was he talking about? The people you might have met people. Yeah, so when I saw that, but I remember being a kid and telling you guys, I grew up with, I had a great guy in my life when I was a kid. Every summer, my mom would put me on a plane to Miami. It was like Disneyland for us us He knew the background I grew up in So he would treat me different than his kids

It was like our little secret and we would do things at night And one day he pulled me for a ride and he goes listen i'm gonna go do eight years You know and I gotta shut down this guy had everything He had fucking everything a house a boat two boat, two Doleman pinchers, a beautiful swimming pool, a construction company, and something came back to haunt them from 1959 in California. And they put them in federal penitentiary in Atlanta. And I always saw that. And then as you grow older, you see all these Italian dudes that get a life sentence with their 60.

What was that whole life about? So for 30 years you were at Sparks Steakhouse. Yeah, you went by. Now you're 60 when you can't go nowhere and you're fucking, you're in there until you're 80. That's the payoff for me is not worth it. No. The ending was never worth it

The ending to end in that way and your family goes from having a house to living in a two-bedroom apartment They can't make rent. I never understood that what about like the pressure of like Living for 30 years on the run like always thinking the cops are coming like that's crazy to the whole life is what? That's a different angle of it, but my main thing was shit like that made you go, and then you see these people that, listen man, there's people who are very generous, okay? And I love that shit.

I love being generous. But before I'm gonna walk into a bar and be generous, I'm gonna be generous to the people around me, who I watch struggle every day. You following what I'm saying to you? Right and be generous. I'm gonna be generous to the people around me. Why watch struggle every day? You following what I'm saying to you? Anybody can give to the blind kids and have a festival, people come to their house. It's a, what do they call them, Joe?

It's a fundraiser, you know, and now you, Joey, were you in Spider-Man 2? Yes, many moons ago when I was a young actor, you know. What the fuck are you doing, Joey? You know what I'm saying? Like, you wanna give a fundraise? Go give, you see a black guy on a bicycle, come here. His 500, go get a fucking,

put a down payment on a fucking car. And next time I see you, tell me what you want one month, and every time you come by here in the first, I'll give you money, and I'll give you my wife's number, whatever you need. That's what you do. Instead of fucking being a, well look at me and awesome the president,

here, here, let's hear it for Lee Syed for being such a, we're giving you a ribbon that you paid for. And then you're fucking, there's your cunt wife, you know. Me too, I'm part of the organization. Go watch your 25 grand, they even talk to these morons. So they can come over and act foofish in your house. At the end of the day when you're 65 and you're laying on a bed do you think that's what you're fucking to be worried about now is that what you fucking really think you know I

hope I'm not so before I get involved listen why fucking why be a fucking fake issue if you're gonna that whole lifestyle once and then I went to Hollywood then I moved to California I saw the most specific day I'll never forget was they had a, not a reshoot. This is when I fucking realized I was onto something. I'm not gonna lie to you guys. I had a reshoot. Not a reshoot.

Like a table read. They added, when we came back from... Longest Yard, Spider-Man 2. We came back from doing the longest yard in Albuquerque, we had a weak hiatus. Everybody could do whatever they want. And we got a call one day or an email that they were changing.

We weren't going back to work that Friday, that Monday. We were gonna push it till Thursday, but we had to go back on a Thursday to go over these new things they had written that we did not even dream about when we left Albuquerque. So I'll never forget, they say, be there like a one at whatever building, they'll give you a pass at the gate,

you just pull right up. And it was, we had already fucking done the Albuquerque scenes. I had already let them know who Uncle Joey was. Like they were on the program now. They were on. I'm just a fucking idiot from North Bergen. I didn't say shit for the first two weeks.

I did what they told me, and then I started taking chances, and they were like, what the fuck is this guy talking about? And then when my ball sack fell out in front of him Sandler I had my leg out the whole afternoon and finally everybody didn't want to come say it to me Wait a second nobody wanted to come and say it to me that my nut sack was sticking out So I'm sitting there and you weren't even filming you were just on the no we were filming and I didn't know I like

Some type of short song we were just filming from dub didn't know, I had like some type of shorts on, we were just filming from top type, whatever, and it was like 3.30 in the afternoon. And everybody's sitting around and I don't have nothing to sit. They don't even give me a chair. You know how you get that chair with Joey Diaz at the time? There was no Joey Diaz chair

because they didn't think Joey Diaz was gonna make it. But on this particular, they had to sit on a helmet. With your balls out? Huh? And when I sat, think of me sitting with shorts, 400 pounds at that point, on a helmet. Look at the position I got to be in, okay? Oh no.

And you know, it could just hold, the underwear could just hold so much. And the right nut came out and I didn't feel it. To my daughters, to Mercy. I did not feel it I just hung out there like this for like an hour sitting there an hour And then I got the story from Adam Sandler Adam Sandler came over the sat next man. How you doing big guy? I'm like good. How are you anything? Listen? He's like if I was you'd put that speed bag away.

And I'm like, speed bag? And he goes, that thing hanging from between your legs. He goes, it's been sitting there for an hour, nobody's had the nuts to come up here and say it to you. Nobody would say nothing to me. They were doing like little thing, who's gonna tell them, nobody. They were like, leave it out, no,

I'm not even fucking talking to that kid, he's a lunatic. And write that in there. I was, Adam was like, no, I'm not even fucking talking to that kid, he's a lunatic. And write that in there. I was, Adam was like, man, he rubbed my stomach, he reminded me of my father. My father had a stomach like that. That was it, though. So we pull up, we're pulling up to Sony,

and fucking, it was like a Thursday. And it was like, Thursday and it was like I Think Tracy Morgan was gone. No, no, I don't know if Tracy was there but it was like it was like Adam Chris Wasn't Adam. It was like Chris Rock like eight people from the movie and I pulled and everybody had a Jeep, a fuckin' Porsche, a fuckin' this or that. And I pulled up with a neon with no windshield wipers. You know what I'm saying?

You know, like when you do that so many times, the windshield wipers fly off and you're like, I'll get them when I get them, you know what I'm saying? If it's, what do I got, money for windshield wipers go cocaine. Boom! Cocaine. We'll rub this fuckin fucking metal against the glass.

It's fucking crazy, like I used to get into things with Lee. When I first met Lee, Lee had a big stick up his ass. And we'd talk about things and Lee thought I was putting him on. Like I came from this fucking struggle type of stand up. like when I first went out I had a borrow money to get a Nissan this piece of shit Nissan that was the body was great and it had like 99,000 miles listen if you know anything about a Datsun it was a Datsun b210 if you know anything about a Datsun those motherfuckers don't blow spark plug

Till they go up to like 300,000 miles. It was just a four cylinder engine that had some cake Those things are still around you had to throw a fucking knocker sake bomb at those things To knock him off the fucking route 3 I had one of those things I put a stick in the back and I would hang my shirts back there in the back halfway and then the other half was a pillow in case you got to pull over Jack and you got that thing protecting your eyes so you have like a Puerto Rican shade there.

You have the shirts and the back was everything. First aid, a tire, a basketball, a frisbee so you could never be bored. Here's when you're fucking broke? You know, so the point I'm trying to make it was from a fuck, like I always say, nobody shows up with an open mic in a Maserati. Right.

Nobody's first time on stage is on a fucking Maserati. What we talking about? You're talking about fucking with me when we first met cause I had a stick up my ass. You know, and I would tell Lee about how, I still remember that fucking dot-map, go. I remember coming back from my first road gig, Michigan. Like, this is your first road gig.

Never mind where Rogan, no, at that time I wasn't even running with Rogan. I didn't even know Rogan, this is 95. I'm already going to Baltimore, but the first place I went was Michigan, Detroit, the Arabian town, not Detroit. Grand Rapids? No, no, no, no.

That's a Christian town with all the fucking churches. This is right in town. I'll think about it. And I was coming back and I was like, dog, I'm on my way. I don't care that I have $30 left. I don't care that I'm living in my car. I don't care that I owe an attorney $60,000.

You know, I'm gonna go home and see my daughter and fucking this is what I am. I'm living in my car. I don't care that I owe an attorney $60,000. You know, I'm gonna go home and see my daughter and fucking this is what I am, I'm a comedian. All of a sudden, bah! The fucking right, the left side of the car got a flat. Like, god damn it. I get out there, I put the spare tire on that motherfucker. I go on, you know, everything's, you know the bicycle tire.

Everybody says it's a, what do they call it? A 50 mile tire. Oh, the donut. I drove that donut back to Colorado and back to Michigan on that fucking donut. Oh my, no dude. Listen, I didn't get a new tire till somebody put $50 in my hand, whatever.

In those days it was like $22.50 for a tire. You think I'm fucking kidding you, man. I rode that tire, I had that, and I delivered fucking Chinese food with that bum tie Are you fucking nuts? The reason why I'm speechless is last year I had I got a fucking flat in New Jersey I know you got a flat in New Jersey And had to put the donut on and the guy told me listen whatever you do don't drive over 50 miles an hour

Get the fuck out, I was doing 90 though I know that I was cutting people off with the fucking, you learn that all, you know at one time, George, what are you thinking? You guys think I had shampoo on the road? I had to use that bar soap. It gets you dry.

You become like Ingrid Bergman, you get all fucking dry skin. Fucking you pull your pants off, dust balls off. From your fucking legs all the way down You don't know what that's like. You're broke. You're on the road people telling you listen, don't put soap in your eyes Look, I got no Visine. I got the fucking washcloth. I'm taking all of my Luke smoke Oh my god, did you guys smell your clothes after fucking Texas? They smell like barbecue which is is nice. No, they don't, listen, I guarantee,

yours smell like rotten asshole and fucking cigarettes and booze, okay? Because when I opened that suitcase up, something flew out at me. Really? And I had like eight pounds of weed in that motherfucking, no, I had no weed. I think it might have been that.

Shit, no. I haven't, no, I was. It was fucking, I told my wife, please, let's throw that in right now. I didn't even go upstairs it was fucking I told my wife please Let's draw it in right now. I didn't go upstairs with that clothes Wow Because I think I was packing it when I came back Saturday night I went in by the thing and I'm like whoo Lord I had two jackets that smelled like fucking Marlboro Reds George People still smoking there. They don't do a fuck. Yeah, that was crazy. That was great They smoke everything in there after 11 o'clock

It's over but the shun they put the curtains down people like come on. We want to take a picture Joe Rogan you and no We came all the way oh My god, dude, it was great. There were people from everywhere there. Yes, they were Yes, there were the festival was nice listen I was very happy that I got to go down there I'm very proud. I thought I was gonna eat a bag of dicks. Not at all, but then I forgot I was in Texas That's a good state to develop that's a you know, I developed in Texas When you do the math, I'll tell you I was always in Texas El Paso I gotta give props where props are

Taking you know I'm saying what do you got this week? I'm not in the podcast I just want to talk to you about a few things. Okay on Friday the 25th I'm in Westfield mass at a bright idea brewing and then on Sunday I'm at Greenwich Village Comedy Club at 9.30. Look at you, making moves. Trying. And I'm at Dispensary on Wednesday somewhere. You know, when I was in Austin,

I got there, we got there Wednesday night, went to eat, I didn't really think about it. I made the video and then all of a sudden, within minutes, my phone started popping, right popping right like people, dog you in town? The guy I forgot I was forgot I forgot to hit back AJ when I landed I'm like fuck I was supposed because we were gonna hook up Wednesday night but he had already eaten dinner so What the fuck was I gonna tell you, motherfucker? All right, so I guess. I asked Joe if I could go to the.

To the. Mother shit. No, I asked Joe if I could go to Wells to Wellness. And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll call later. But as soon as I got out of there, that dude texted me, he goes, dog, I see you're in town. Let's hook you up tomorrow, come on in. You know what I'm saying?

So I was like, okay. And then I called him and we made a time and he called me back and he goes, you can't come during this time. And I walked in there next morning. That was the best night's sleep I got, knowing that I was going in there. That night was like five hours maybe, right?

Probably. Yeah, it was like May best, slept like five or six hours. And that wasn't that I was drunk or anything that night. Yeah, the room was brutal. It was cold as fuck. I put that room down to 65 on the third level of the fan and I brought my own little portable fan. You did not bring a fan.

Come on now. How cold do you need to be? Come on now, come on now. Holy shit. And I put that blanket on top and at one point I got off and the bed was wet like I had pissed it 18 times. I had to turn the pillow over Jordan, it was dripping. You were sweating that much?

Yeah, because I put the blanket over my head since I got the hose coming out. I don't need to be out there like the rest of you guys breathing, I put that blanket over my head. I get that room cold as fuck Jack. But then why are you sweating so much? Listen, my room has been so cold lately. After 15 years, my cat's going under the blanket.

I land in bed at night and all of a sudden she starts to bullshit, I hug her, and I pick the blanket up and it's like a 10 minute walk. She goes in there like a Vietnam vet. Like there's gonna be a bomb. I'm like, get the fuck in there already. Jesus Christ, I'm like just like 10 minutes in. But I went to Wells, I walked in there, the guy's name is Brigham, and they had moved locations from the first time that I went. The first

time I went, I got a shot in my knee and I was fucking petrified. And it went by like this, nothing. I'm like, wow, really? Then I went down a second time, they go, come on back. I did it again, boom, no pain, I didn't faint. In fact, I even took the earphones off because I usually go in those places with earphones so I don't hear the needles ripping when they take it out. That's how much of a pussy I was. I was in the hospital three weeks this year.

You gotta see me now with needles. I'm like, take the arm, shit big, bah! Nothing no more. I even put something, yeah, they had to put a thing in my arm the other day. They had no, they had to put, to do this thing, they put like this catheter in, and they shoot you with the fucking,

the first thing I did was a stem cell IV. No, I did a stem cell, I was scared of the bag that drips. So I did a stem cell blood something, it goes into your blood. That was the first two times I went. And then this time I walked in, I told them what I was in the hospital for, they had a fucking AI computer that you talk,

like they told me what went on with me when I was in the hospital. Then they go, ask this guy and they asked him and he gave like a fucking it was unbelievable guys where the future is going and then so you did and didn't you do a breathing thing too so then number two I did a lung I've been doing those I'm supposed to do like three a week. I just ran out of the prescription. It's a steam you put on with a hose and you put the chemical on the bottom

then you put it in your mouth. It's like a pipe and you breathe in and out of there. Like a nebulizer I think. A nebulizer. So they gave me a, whatever, stem cell nebulizer for my lungs. Yeah, we didn't fuck around. Then they shot me with a needle

and they put whatever into my blood and then we did the liquid IV, the IV, liquid IV, the IV. And then from there they put me in the red light therapy bed and then from there I went into a hyper chamber and they put an oxygen mask on you and oxygen goes on you to wake everything the fuck up And I was in there for like and I had a pee

But then from not having a pee I had so much oxygen in the red blood My dick got harder than fuck and they open up that little kick moon and I couldn't even pick up my leg It was like one of those eighth grade hard-ons. Oh my god. Fuck is hard. mother up, ma, take a look at this, I don't know what's going on. I think the guy was really happy about you talking about it and then now he's just gonna hard on in his hyperbaric chamber. It's not like I took it out and banged it out. I just, for some reason, the blood went to that area

and I was looking out into the wilderness. I don't know what fantasy crossed my mind. Sometimes when you look at trees, shit happens. Especially if you're on the spectrum like me. Things happen, you're out there just staring and all. So you're like, I remember the time when there's no time. Oh my God. But that's an interesting question you had for me

tonight, Lee, because I don't know. And I have people who actually come up to me in my neighborhood and say shit to me how I how I should act nobody said something to me the last two years but I had two neighbors like in one year that go you know I was doing something and I saw you here and on TV I never knew and then they're like why don't you act a certain way? And I'm like, well, how would you like for me to act? Right.

You want to have a limo in front of my house with some, come on, man. There's people who do it. No, but you know what? It's like, you have to remember at one point, like anytime I try to be a big shot, I remember being in fucking prison. And there were people who used to go, you know what, I ain't eating the food.

And there was this big white guy who would go, shit, I wonder what you were eating under that fucking bridge or something to that effect. And it made sense. Like when you were under that bridge, what the fuck were you eating? And listen, he wasn't under a bridge. He's just saying, we've all been under a bridge

where you're like, one morning you get up and there ain't no fucking oatmeal. So you just gotta drink the water, the milk straight or cereal with fucking water. You're in prison, you better fucking eat that shit. That's a one shot deal. There's no more dig up the corner. That's like a nightmare.

Yeah, there's nothing like that. So it's just when you look at things and you're looking for what they are, I just, I don't know guys I'm too old is there something like that like no matter how much money you had that you still wouldn't spend money on like for me like I don't think I would ever do like a $200,000 even if I had only thing I wish I could fucking do I'm not gonna lie to nobody. At times I think of fucking doing something because this is the only thing I wish I could do. I wish I could rent a private plane.

For like your gigs? Every week to go somewhere with you guys. Just on a whim. Right now, don't, I'm 62 years old. You ask me what I wanna do? Yeah. It's, we're too old for a week in a place. Ain't nobody gonna make a week in fucking Puerto Rico. None of us.

But two days up in Vermont, that would be fucking great. I'm not saying spend 17 million on a private plane. I'm saying to invest the money in a package Like that you have five flights For eight thousand dollars a flight forty thousand dollars. You can make three payments or something like that. I would fucking Love to do something like that. I wouldn't I would I don't want to go to california You where would you want to go? I'd like to do another florida run Where do you wanna go? I'd like to do another Florida run.

Somewhere I wanna go again and do a show, let's get it out of the way. I'm going to fucking Red Rocks, October, so I'd love to go to Boulder. Oh shit. Take George to Boulder with me as my personal bodyguard George will do his own video spots in Boulder with Joey Rob Right the con

Tell him George Yeah, no, don't worry about those. We'll take care of those with the governor. If they arrest you, we'll be cool. Don't worry. We'll get you an attorney within minutes. Holy shit. That's awesome you're doing Red Rocks. I'm doing Red Rocks with Bert. But why not end a nice show at the theater in Boulder? Why not?

Why fucking not? Right. You know, do another fucking Santa Fe run. Santa Fe, New Mexico guys for three days, rent a car and go up and get green chilies from all those little ski resorts. Just do a green chili run, maybe one more Denver run. I don't wanna fly into that fucking airport in Denver.

But on the other hand, I don't wanna end up on La Bamba either. Who's La Bamba? You know, the guy who died in a plane crash. You're gonna fucking mount your fuck. Who's La Bamba? You know, the guy who died in a plane crash. You're in a fucking mountain, you're a fuck. Who's La Bamba? We gotta do a history. Oh Jesus.

You don't know that song? Da da da da da da. Isn't that La Bamba? No. Yeah, I didn't know he died in a plane crash. La ba la la la ba ba. Ba la la la la. You don't like that song?

I love that song. Ba la la la la ba. Da da da da. Doug, we used to have a teacher, Mr. Terranova. And I'll never forget that. In those days in North Bergen High School, there was an A cafeteria and a B cafeteria. And the B cafeteria, I could be saying them wrong,

but the A cafeteria was just for Spanish people. And the B cafeteria. Was this all like the sign or this was just known, it sounded like you went to school in prison. This was not, this was. Didn't you say that your like recess or gym was like shoveling the snow too? No, no, no, no, that was at McKinley, you shuttle snow. Okay. But once you got to North Bergen High School in 1978, it was lunchroom A and B. Lunchroom A was just for Spanish people.

And lunchroom B was for everybody else. White kids, a few Indians. I know at that time, if you were Indian, they'd put you over there with them. They'd put you, they just thought you were brown. Yeah, so here's where it gets complicated. Every day, teachers would have to switch posts at different lunches.

Okay, so every day there was a new teacher, two teachers on each door in cafeteria A, and there'd be two teachers on, and sometimes it would be this lesbian teacher that I was tight with, that one day I showed her my balls. She was teaching gymnastics, and she had those things like this and I had to hold my sweats and I picked up

those legs and their name was Miss Bernard. She's still alive I think. Oh God. Yeah and I'm like Miss Bernard, my balls were swinging she never took me to the principal's office. But there was a teacher that I idolized growing up. In fact I gotta reach out to this dude. His name was Mr. Terranova.

And in those days, Mr. Terranova would have a suit on, tight as a motherfucker, by room A. And as I walked by, he'd go, Coco, come here. And I'd walk up to like this close to him, Nick, and he'd be right here in awesome when three Spanish people walk in, he'd go, hold on one second. Ba-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da a Cuban kid stepped on his shoes. I'm talking to Mr. T, and all of a sudden, T's talking to me, and all of a sudden the kids, you know when people step on your shoe but they keep going?

And all of a sudden he's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, time out! He goes, get your hoop-doop-de-doop-merengue shoes off. The kid just cracked. And when he said hoop-doop-de-doop-merengue, the kid just fractured. The kid thought he was going to Studio 54. He had those pointy fucking shoes.

Oh my God. Get those hoop, do, dee, do, merengue shoes off my feet. Jesus, everything, the more you describe it, the more I'm like, this sounds like fucking prison. That's crazy. There was no prison. That's crazy. There was no prison That's a you said they had to change posts No, the teachers

Your guard no, no, they would just stand on the corners to make sure like a 50 year old You know, that's why they were there to make sure some fucking fuckin' 50 year old is strolling with a Beatles lunchbox. And sitting next to a bunch of 12 year olds, hey, have you ever heard a fuckin' uh, yeah. Here comes the sun. Yeah. Well, so where you at? You at some fuckin' country club again on Friday?

No, I'm at a brewery on Friday. Oh, here goes another brewery. Yeah, and then I'm at Greenwich Village Comedy Club on Sunday. Okay, you're fuckin' doin. Yeah, and then I'm at Greenwich Village Comedy Club on Sunday. Okay, you're fucking doing great, Lee. You did two great fucking sets. Thank you. You handled yourself up front.

You know, listen man, you never wanna see your kids suffer. In life, you never wanna see your kids suffer. And I love Lee. I don't wanna hear nothing bad about Lee. But I'm really proud on how much better you're getting up front. And you are not gonna get that one past me, Lee. Until I see you.

Oh, do I have to run? No, you have to go first. Yeah, I don't mind. I want you to figure out in your mind how you're gonna be the life of the party. You're going up first. This is the Joey Diaz show I'm not taking that away from him your attitude is this I'm opening up for Dave Chappelle and this is the Dave Chappelle show I'm not taking that away from him but I am the quarterback I'm

the first face they fucking see so my tempo sets the tempo for the rest of the night if you're Drop back to five and throw to five yard line and get the guy to step out of bounds That's your tempo, but we've got to speed this motherfucker up You got to let them know about that Jewish explosion when dick is ready to go I just had locks in a fucking bagel and I got fucking diarrhea. I'm ready to stab a motherfucker You know and that's your mindset like after, after like, yeah, we fuck around, we giggle, but you know, that's it, now you become a Jew, boom.

You know what I'm saying? Like, that's it. This is not, you know that focus? Like, when you see a Jewish surgeon, he's going in for the big kill, but before you're dying, he's like, listen, if you live, I need an extra 15 points. Cut it, cut it out.

And he's like, fucking, cause this is Jews precision. And I want you to become the best at that. For right now, I don't want you to worry about headlining or featuring. Trust me, I know somebody else who focused on that. And that became something later on. But how to get that stage at a cold opening and just go. You're not asking questions. you're not there to learn.

They're there to learn from you as a comic. Who the fuck are you to that? Who drinks tequila? Ha ha ha ha! I want that shit like I want a finger up my ass. You know what I'm saying? I never want that. I want them to come at me.

What's that? The heater turned up. Oh. This fucking guy, I thought he heard the exorcist or something. You know, I wanna go out there and control. You're the quarterback. Right. And that's what a lot of people,

I MC'd last week, and it's okay. You're gonna move up. No, you're not. You're gonna be an MC. Look how you said MC. You're gonna be an MC the rest of your fucking life. Look at your attitude. When you're an MC. Look how you set MC. You're gonna be an MC the rest of your fucking life Look at your attitude when you're an MC you're that You're that first guy that runs when you're in a soup bowl

They don't have who they don't have the fucking some moot run out They have the fucking fastest kind of team run out first He blows the thing smoke comes out white bitches faint his dick pops out of his shorts And he's on the 50 yard line like he was getting chased by three cops. That's the way it is. You're the, if you go out there and go, hi, my name is Lee, I'm Jewish.

Boom. Right. Now you gotta, they just threw more dirt on you. Forget about what fucking Hitler did. They just threw more dirt on you. Than Tom, or whatever they did. Yeah, and you did it to yourself. You went out there, ho hum.

And I saw you doing that and you were struggling for a while in New York and I fucking, it hurt me because it wasn't doing nothing for your ego but I knew in the long run, I knew that now you look at it as this sucks, I don't know what I'm gonna do, I have to beat the second guy up. No, you're gonna learn how to master being the first guy up

and master it with the back of your mind that Joey D is just a guy hit by a car. He ain't even showing up tonight, that motherfucker. That, when you put that in your mind and you have to figure out like, you know, because one day, one day and it might be fucking soon, somebody might come up to you, you might be going up first,

and I'm gonna have to give you a sign from the side, and going, fucking, Ari didn't show up. Do an extra 15 minutes, but you already went out there with 15 minutes. That's horrible, that's horrible. But that's another curveball I'll throw at you. I'm sure you, I'm waiting for it. And when you look to the side,

instead of, you might be up there for 28, and I'll tell you you. I'm sure you will. And when you look to the side, you might be up there for 28, and I'll tell you you've been doing 10. You got 18 more. Oh no. Bro, your insides break. When you think you're killing at 18, and you're like, I got 12 more minutes to fight it out. Also, when you look aside, you're like,

psst, psst, keep going. And you're like, keep going. After 12 minutes, I'm done. I've done everything my mother's joke I wrote in the third grade the one I got from my nephew's cup Remember we were kids they had those little fucking cups, you know, yeah what animal don't you play cards with a cheetah? All right, let's wrap this motherfucker up Why I appreciate it buddy. It was great, and I honestly really appreciate,

not even honest, I love doing the shows, but you gave me that advice to not ask questions. At the airport, I was barely awake, and that's all I've been thinking about, so I appreciate it. You did good, and that was, was lead that's a thousand people 1800 yeah, that's not I didn't expect you to go out there and Fuck and do what you did. So I'm very proud of you. I'm happy that you're working hard

You know you came back out of the plane. I went home and melted. I couldn't even get up Sunday That's how old I am this kid went out Went did the dojo county with Steve Simone and then went into the midnight show. There were two people there by the time he got there. That's heartbreak, you know. That's the proof that you're a real comic right there. You waited all day for the midnight set. You get there, there's eight people to boot.

And the first people, the first four should have been shot and hung a long time ago. Now it's down to one person. You're up there going like, you know, should I shoot myself now? Or should I, ha la la la la la la la la la la. But the, and this is the last thing I'll say,

the dojo was great with Steve. It was, I was a, and that was just a great comedy. Steve's in town from there, right? Yeah, Steve's still here eating. And what's he doing? He sat at home like a fucking genetic. No, he's eating pizza all over the place. He's at like, he's still here. And what's he doing? He sat at home like a fucking geneticist. No, he's eating pizza all over the place. He's at like, he's gone to like every amazing pizza place so far.

And he killed at the dojo, so but, it was... I would have brought him here tonight. I didn't know he was still in town. Oh, okay. You should have brought him here with you. Well, you think I don't want to see him? He could have ate half that spoon. I think he's doing something at night. Who gives a fuck? He could have came here and said... He's a Catholic. He's like Jesus they could change his mind

I love you cocksuckers. The only thing I'm coming up is May 8th 17th You're 17th at Parks Casino. It's just sold out already. Oh, we're just we just got all this tickets nice In August or So good may don't buy any tickets. They're all too high. If they're over $40, come in August. You know what I'm saying? Bring your in-laws.

They'll wanna see some shows. Stay black, we love you. We'll be back next week. All right, thank you. You