Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Don't Get in the car Joe!

Episode Date: February 3, 2026

Don't do it! Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk Joey's favorite show in 5 years, what's keeping Joey young (not just the peptides), the joys of revenge and much more! SHOW NOTES Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now & turn $5 into $300 in Bonus Bets when you press in code JOEY @ ⁠https://www.draftkings.com/mobileapps⁠ Join the No Hangover Club & get 30% off your order of Nowadays at ⁠http://trynowadays.com/DIAZ

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's happening, beautiful people? It's the church and what's happening now. New edition. My man, Cato, Lee Syatt, and your uncle Joey were back. Tip-top, Magoo. Who cares about the snow?

It's February 3rd, 20206. What have you done so far this year? What's up, Doug Brett? I'm good, dude. Everything all right? Oh, my God. I'm good. You okay?

What's happening to your nose? Oh, man, I had a little fucking pimple. I thought you fell. No. Your knee was fucked up. You popped a pimple. I love popping. No, it wasn't even a pop pimple.

No? I had like something there and you just scratch it in the middle of night and shit. I woke up. I had a little scab on my finger and some fucking blood on the sheet. And the cat wouldn't talk to me. You know? Dude, does your cat, does Gray just sit and stare at things? All the time.

I don't know what the fuck this cat's looking. It just sits in the middle of the room and just stares at the wall for an hour. Wait till you wake up to pee in the middle of night and they sit by your door looking in the hallway. And you're like, what are you doing, Gray? And she's like, when they're protecting you.

I guess. They're protecting you at night. That's a fucking weird animal dog. Don't even try to wrap your head around those. No, I can't. And they see spirits. So they might be out there because that spirit in the house lurks.

That must be. Dude, someone broke. I've never experienced it. ever. Our neighbor is doing work and it just smashed, just smash, smash, smash. Two seconds later here, like stuff falling. I thought stuff was falling in their apartment. They fucking busted a hole into our closet from the other apartment. I had to go knock on the door. The poor guy was like, what? I was like, look, there's a hole. And they fucking, there's nothing. I'm sorry. They're going to cover it up. Oh, they're going to. But it's like,

Cover it up. Jesus. I've never... Knock a hole in your wall. What's going on here? Just in the closet. I heard the same thing to it. I got home.

I had that MRI. My knee was on fire. I just went home and put on like fucking, something was on HBO. I don't even watch TV. I just sit back in the chair, rub that Nova cane on it, whatever, that cocaine cream.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And the dog, in the middle of this I hear, blah, blah. I'm like, what the fuck? I went. I got like a thing out of the washing. And I limped. upstairs and I looked all around the house.

No windows were broken. Nothing, nothing. And all that, two minutes later, I heard it again. Like, blah, blah, blah. Like, what the fuck? The snow was melting. Oh, Jesus. So the globs were coming off the fucking roof in sheets and breaking. I had to break a fucking thing the other day.

That if I just happened, dog, I just happened to look up. Thank God. Because some days I say, what a beautiful day. You look down. Your bags are going to. gun, you know what I'm saying? I looked up and by the house there was a fucking a sphere. Oh,

I love those. It was fucking six inches. I had to get the thing you changed the light bulbs with and crack it and it fell and the middle was like fucking if it would have hit me in the head, we wouldn't have been here right now. Jesus. Well, you have something to change light bulbs? Yeah, because we have those light bulbs high

in the ceiling. Can I tell you how much of an idiot I am? We have like a light that you have to reach in and get a light bulb and I was doing it and I like I've never seen this kind of light bulb it was out so I reached into the other one that was on to like see if I could feel it we had just turned it on have you ever seen men in black when like they burn your fingertips off I touched a light bulb for like it had been on for like two minutes touch it for like three seconds my my fucking fingers turned yellow it was

I didn't I wasn't yeah I wasn't high you didn't burn you juice no it smelled like locks The skin got toughest It's Auschwitz I can't burn juice skin no more They shot peptides into that shit You were talking about that in Staten Island I want those things now I didn't know that it was for your dick

Listen you have to look up Peptides for sexual health I didn't know it Aaron Berg the freak that he is Yeah Told me because when I went to Ways to Well I was like hey man

I was talking to the AI guy I am. A little rabbit, whatever the fuck he is, the Martian. Yeah. And I asked him, I want to be a sexual savage. And he goes,

well, there's a bunch of peptides I can help you, but you gotta get your testosterone up. And then do PT-141, whatever. And I forgot all about it. And I was talking to have it. He goes, did you get that PT-141?

Holy fuck. So I just went home. I ordered it and I fucking did it myself. Every time I do those things, I don't want to have sex. I just want to see how I feel. You know what I'm saying?

Wait, it's like a real needle? Yeah. You just ordered it online and came and you didn't even want to have sex? No, hold on. I'm sorry. I'm really excited. I'm sorry. So, talk, I don't want my eyeball to pop up.

Before I commit, I'm going to try it first. I told Terry it was like a fucking any NAD shot. Okay. She shoots me at night. My arm's all bruised. And she hit me with that. And the first night, I don't feel nice. nothing.

I'm like, bro, this is a rip-off. Because it's not Viagra. Viagra and Cialis and the other shit open up blood flow. This attacks your central nervous system.

You can only do it four times in a month. Can't keep doing it because you'll be fucked up again. I was going to say, how many times have you done it since you got it?

So hold on. So the next night, I go, it didn't work. I got a dud. I went back up and they're like, nah, you got to shoot a little more. So again,

I didn't want to shoot. the dose that they told me to do. So I shot like half of that. Nothing happened. It's like when I did ecstasy. Everybody told me it was a party. Pussy flies through the air. I did ecstasy.

Nothing happened. I think I jerked off and went to bed. It was no big deal. But I got my tolerance is high. So I waited a week and I filled it to like fucking three, whatever the fuck it is. And I had Terry stab me in the arm. What a mistake, dog.

Holy shit. shit. Your dick grows. You come and then it stays hard, but not for fucking 10 minutes. For a couple hours, like 10 minutes. I woke up at 8 in the morning. My dick was still big and fucking gooey and shit. Gouy.

I wouldn't shower out of bang it out. Because it lasts anywhere from 24 to 40 hours. Dude, aren't you supposed to go to the hospital when that happens? Who gives the fuck? You don't know, I'm going to tell my shot BT 141. Yeah. I got a hard on. It won't go down.

Line up the nurses. You know what I'm saying? Line up the nurses in the wheelchair. Papa's coming. For 48, God, damn it. Yes, you don't know what the time range is on. So you go to peptide science and you order a 3 milligram PT 141, but they'll send you a box of 3 milligrams.

It's like two shots in there. You prep them, you go online, press in how to prepare PT 141 injections. It tells you everything. The cotton swab, the fuck is. the alcohol on your arm, the alcohol on the thing before how to put the bottle, give it a shot. I love peptides, guys.

I still shoot BPC 157 in here, but I started shooting it with the copper. And the copper is really good for your skin and all this shit, but the copper, like if I just shoot PT, whatever the fuck, BP 157 and TB500, it's an easy needle. Like I'll ship one here, here, and here. You're giving yourself needles now all the time?

My wife, I looked the other words. I was going to say. But I prep them. I prep everything. I got 2,000 fucking diabetic needles. I gotta be honest, I kind of want her to be prepping it. I don't trust your eyes. Because I want it extra strong.

That's not allowed. No, you want them a little extra strong to give a little pep in your step. It's not like a shot of whiskey, dude. You're fucking an injecting. No, a shot of whiskey. Don't even do nothing to me. Oh, my God. You know, I shoot the bat.

I just finish up a 12-week prescription. CJ 1295. Okay. I just love all these letters and numbers you're throwing out there. Oh, my God. A lot of fucking math, man. But it's interesting. I'm reading up on them.

I'm thinking it's getting certified as a course. I've got nothing else going on. Certified to do what? Like, not to administer, but to talk to people about peptides and learn more about them. Okay. Like everything has a peptide. I have no idea what peptides are.

A peptide is a chain of amino acids. Okay. And they do thousands of things. things to you. Some of them are FDA approved. Some of them are not. This fucking PT-141 for you motherfucking people who like Mexican products, this ain't a Mexican product. It's FDA approved and it's been around since 1971 or something. Damn. And I just don't tell you guys. That don't tell you nothing. Don't tell you nothing. I got a friend that is knee, but I kept telling me the knee, don't tell me again. Go to fucking underground nutrition on Route 9

and get some fucking BPC 157 and the mother shit. Every time I'd see the guy out of my knee, go down there. Guess what? He went down after three months. Guy taught him how to do everything. He called me the other day.

In fact, he goes, dog, I've taken two weeks of shots. He goes, it doesn't hurt when I get out of my car no more. Okay? I'm not making this shit up because it helps the tissue grow. So if you got knee palms or you're feeling knee palms, I would go right and get B57. don't take the pill. No, no, no.

Because the pill goes to your stomach. It gives you, like, gut health, like a antibiotic. Okay. You want it in the area. Yeah. Like any day now, I'm going to start blasting my shoulders. That's on the go. Boom, boom, boom.

On each side, two, three shots and each muscle. Ba, bye, bye, boy, bye. Dude, you used to pass out when you had a needle. And that sounds you're doing like six or seven a week. It took 55 fucking years, but I did it. Dog, I'm so used to it. Like, in the last year, Do you know how many needles I got?

And I'm going to tell you're the worst needle you could get. The diabetic needle, when they fuck up my fingerprints, when they come in every hour on the hour in the hospital. You don't like those? No, that hurts more than anything. I got more of a chance of fainting from that than fain than a fucking bloodshot. I don't like the dentist one.

The Novacane, that shit hurts. All that shit hurts. Dog, let me tell you something, guys. The shot that nearly killed me was last Tuesday. I don't even know I made it up here that night. I'm not going to lie to none of you. I'm not going to lie to none of you motherfuckers. I told you guys when I was here that there was like taking fluid out of your knee.

Hey. There's a part of my knee that you just touch it. It feels like your leg wants to go up. You know, you have that little hammer. Okay. The leg goes up when you're a kid. And you bang it for hours and the don't go up. The doctor comes in, bangs it.

And next thing you're like a fucking, you know. What was that talking about? The worst shot. The worst shot was that nerve thing last week. And what had? What did they do? they shot me first they rub liquid cocaine on it

that does nothing you know it's like rubbing the shit for your gums right no the other shit that would they sell you as kids in the tube fried cane something cane load a cane or something like that you could buy this

as the fucking CBS you could buy it it's over the counter I mean when we were kids I used to take coke cut and pour that shit on it and put in the refrigerator and try to freeze it and I sold it like two times I got Wait, did you say you just put liquid cocaine on cold cuts? No, no, no, no.

I took cut, cocaine cut. Oh, okay. I thought you put it on a fucking slice of hammer. And I put it in aluminum foil, and I would take that stuff for your tooth pain. I figured this out when I was like 15. Like, you know, like, I'm a fucking idiot. And you would put the thing in, you'd have to have like a gram. Like, I did it with a half gram first and it dissolved.

You got to have like a gram and a half of cut. and you put that shit out and then put in the refrigerator. And the powder comes out kind of cold and people like, man, when they taste it, it tastes a Coke? It numbs them. Oh, I'm getting numbies. Oh, I'm getting numbies. Oh, you get numbs all night.

That's as far as it goes. For the first time I got offered Coke this week. Like someone pulled it out at a comedy club. Like someone who was at the show, like I was talking about edibles. And after the show, she pulled like a little blue baggie. And I thought, like, because she was talking about a lot of other drugs. She was talking about Molly and this and then. I was like, okay, well, I wasn't going to do it.

But she was like, she was weird about it. She's like, come here. I want to show you. And it was like a little tiny baggy. Meanwhile, she was talking to me about her kids like 10 minutes earlier. Dude, that's like it was only the second time I've had to turn it down. Once in L.A. and once here. I'm so surprised people.

Maybe that'll check on a lick your balls. You ever think of that. You do two lines. You get very sensitive. They start rubbing you. And you tell it. You take that Jewish hammer out and you put a little Coke rock right in the pee hole and let us suck the moot. Yeah, sure.

That sounds exactly like something. I'll put it in the peahole. They take their little tongue and they bop it with the peahole. It's like George Washington's cannon. They push it to your fucking. Dude, it's so cold. I haven't seen my be hole in two weeks. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. You don't know what you're missing. And then they get all coped up and numb. Then you sprinkle some on your nut sack and they go fucking. If they're numb, why would I? Your nut sack gets a little numb, but not as numb as their mouth. and their fucking head. Do you know what I'm saying?

Holy. People are fucking crazy. None of that sounds like fun. Anytime anyone describes Coke, like you get numb, you get itchy, and stuff moves real fast. You got itchy if you have a previous rash,

which you do, you know what I'm saying? You do a line of Coke. It brings all the rashes out. All of a sudden you start itching. All the sponsor back. Yeah. Oh my God.

But that was fun on Saturday. Thank you for having me in Stan Island. That was ultra fun. That was ultra fun. And let me tell you something. You know, when you walk into my jih Tzu thing, it says this, and I don't want nobody to take it wrong. It says all battles are one and fought,

fought and won before they even fight. Think about that. All battles are won. without even throwing a fucking punch sometimes. And that's how I felt Saturday. Why? Because it took me five years to go back to storytelling. Again, I got confused.

I smoked a joint. I thought I was John Mullaney. I'm not a joke writer. I'm not a joke writer. I'm the type of guy that takes a situation. It could be horrible. Listen, I just saw a guy get in the head with a rock. His head exploded.

There's a way of saying it that people like, okay, fuck that dude. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. So I felt really good about that. It's like, I can't describe it. Like, it took me a long time to wake up. And it was the open mic last Thursday at the Dojo.

Oh, yeah. Well, last Wednesday or whatever that was. I went up there and I had one joke to try. Okay. That's it. No more this bullshit. Oh, let's try. Let's just stay on one joke.

and take it from there with eyeballs watching you. I like that with an eyeball watching. Yeah. With, you know, where there was 25 people, that's 50 eyeballs watching you. That's worse than three guns. Okay, you know what I'm saying? You look out and you see three guns point out of you.

I'd rather have 50 eyeballs staring you fucking down. Like, wait, wait, they're waiting for fucking you to make me laugh. So I did that. And in the meantime, I just went into something. Can't even tell you what it was. I forget what it was. I remember. Were you there?

Yeah. Oh. And then. I don't remember. The next day I was talking to Becky and she said, yeah, I liked what you went with that. And then Mike called me in the dojo. Okay. And he goes, listen, man.

He goes, I'm always busy, so I never got a chance to walk in there. He goes, but I walked in there and was watching you. And you had me. He goes, it wasn't a lot of laughs. But I caught myself fucking just, you had me. Yeah. He goes, have you considered doing it? on that for a show and I go yeah

you did it for years in LA I did it for years I go so now I got a revision I was always concerned of listen man people are fucking working they're 70 now 65 is just a fucking number now you're 70 and you have to get yourself

ready for this shit people are working until they're 70 at least listen let's be honest I don't even want to get on a plane to go to fucking Connecticut okay every once in a while I got a wall bug in my ass hey let's take a flight to Texas or something.

But any farther than that, I don't want to go. I don't have the cardio for five hours flights now. I would die. I don't know. You have to develop those. You have to do a couple three-hour ones and a couple of four-hour ones. Then you blast off to Los Angeles. You need to have cardio to sit?

Yeah, but not good. Well, you do walk around along the flights. Not to sit. Just that six and a half hours. It's a lot when you haven't done it in a while. Yeah. So, you know, let's be honest with yourself. I'll take that fucking book and I'll add chapters to it of what happens as I moved here.

And I'll go to Count Basie Theater on Tuesday nights and start doing a fucking workshop. I'm like that. Ten bucks to get in. I don't even give a fuck if you pay. I'm not looking to make money. I'm looking to make money for the writers. And you do this so you get a big broad. People come in and listen, you want to give notes?

Be my guess. Because you might not know me or you might not be a writer, but you go, bro. I heard this story before. You got to say this. God damn it. You motherfucker. Isn't that what Ari did with his Jew special? Yeah.

Like he did like a Q&A after. You motherfucker. Because you never, one of my, one of my better new jokes is because I was on the role with Josh. And he asked me, like I had a. a joke from one point of you. He was like, what about this point of view? And I was like, oh, shit, I didn't even think about that. So it's good, it's, I'd love to get notes from people. So it's kind of weird that I would, I would do that every two.

I'd rather take a long time with it. I'm no rush. Yeah. I'm in no rush. This is good for my mind to keep me occupied. Write it, do it in account Basie, and get some dates in the city off Broadway. Do three or four shows off Broadway and take it from there. Yeah.

If a fucking club wants to hire me to come in once a month, the casino, I'll do it there. I still got the option to do stand-up or to just do a one-man show. And I'm old enough. I could sell a one-man show now. Plus, your one-man show is going to have elements of stand-up in and you're going to make it funny.

Oh, please. Come on. That's the least of my problem. Exactly. That's what I'm saying to you. When I sit there at night and I try to write a joke, yeah, I have a good time. But you know what? It's better if I tell a story and color it,

and it becomes personalized. After a while, your comedy has to become personal. to go over a hump. And it takes such a long time because people don't want to talk about themselves. Right. It's hard. People don't want to say, hey, in the third grade, I got fucked in the ass.

It's very rough for a person to say that. It's very rough for a person to say that, hey, this happened to me. But if you go in there with a twist and learn how to really twist it, because when you give them the initial, hey, I got raped in the fourth grade, yeah, exactly.

You're going to fucking, your jaw's going to drop. Like us, we're going to laugh. But other people, civilians, they're going to go, oh, my God, what is you? Before they even get to that thought, you've got to attack that. Before you get them there to say, like whenever I tell a story about my mother dying, it's over. It's over. It has to be the closer. 35 years of comedy, can't get me out of that home.

Cannot get you out of that home. I'm not even going to tell that story. That's evolved. Fuck her. He's dead for 50 years. A lot is happening. You want to know, you should have been here. So it's the fucking truth.

I mean, that's my next option. But Staten Island, that morning, I just felt good. Listen, some people get their dicks off by going to a big theater here and a big theater there and telling people in a fucking great city by going, oh, no, we're going to the Dallas Theater of the Arts. Listen, I had more fun. and Staten Island than I've had in any room in the last 10 years. The only room that was more fun than that was Philly. When I first used to go to Philly and was a little younger and Buckwile, Philly was just like them.

And listen, I do a residency in Philly. Don't make me do a residency up in Staten Island because they're my knuckleheads. I'm a knucklehead, man. And I know it. I fucking know it. You hear me talking stupidity. I'm a fucking knucklehead but half of Staten Island are knuckleheads

I think it might be more than half I'm their fearless leader I'm their fearless leader Yeah for sure So it's like you got to play what Somebody will go oh no I'm gonna do my show in Louisville I'm talking

These are your people They're gonna take the ride with you Yeah You're gonna say that you rob something And all them are gonna understand What I'm talking about Because somebody in Staten Island's uncle Robb something at one time

Yeah I mean, if you noticed, you could even make the left to go down to St. George, Theon, you can make a right. Where's the right lead you to? Todd fucking Hill. That's what Paul Costalano live. Right up that thing. His house just sold for 10 million. In Staten Island. Jesus. That was all Mafiaville up there. All those bodies are there. If you're missing since 1950, you're in Staten Island, dog. You could smell it when you fucking drive over sometimes. Yeah, but I don't give a fuck. It doesn't fucking matter. No, they were great. The people were fucking real, man. Yeah.

They were wild, but they were great. Wild. And what the fuck do you want? You want to fucking... What is? The Barbara Streis concert? They all sit there and they all look in their expensive clothing? I don't want that.

No. I just told you guys, I turned the nickel. I've had it. I've had it to what anything has become. Everything has become a look at me. You know, you cannot watch a fucking nickname without getting aggravated. I'd rather watch the Dallas Mavericks at home Or Philly at home

I grew up in that fucking place Every time I turned on to watch a Knick game It's all about the fucking poor Those rich people They don't give a fuck about the fucking You know what celebrity At half time they got a fat black chick singing Come on guy

Come on guy No I was I looked to go to that game The Lakers game Yesterday or whatever day it was The minimum lowest take was four something I was like, no, thanks. I can't. I don't know.

I'll stay home. It's gotten to the point where, you know, some people like that shit. I don't fucking want to see that. I want to see regular. Their fans belong in those seats. It's like George was talking about Yankee games. That, you know, all those expensive seats are off city bank and,

uh, E.F. Hutton and all that shit. And, you know, when you watch a Yankee game on TV, you could tell. It's just sitting there. Look at me. I'm in VIP, bitch. Show me the old Yankee Stadium. When you used to step on fucking crackbiles. In 93, I went to Yankee Stadium. I stepped on a crack bottle, motherfucker, okay?

Don't fucking tell me. And I'd rather step in that crack file than be with these people, than be with a bunch of people. If you say something, they all look at you. You suck. Get the fuck out of here. You belong at a buffet. You belong at, no.

What's that shit that they talk about? A brunch. That's what you. belong with your little wine. Nobody can insult you, a little mimosa. Come on, man. The first 10 rows of Yankee Stadium should be for bums.

I want my team to walk out and intimidate them. I want to look up and not see pretty people. I want to see the worst of the wars from Brooklyn and the Bronx. Put a halfway house in there with Italians and Negroes. You know what I'm saying? And just stand out

the picture. See how much they'll fucking win. It's just chigarelli. See how much they'll fucking win. But, you know, it's like, I didn't watch the Grammys. No. I told you what they were going to be about. I'm going to tell you what they were going to be about. And here's the funny thing about the Grammy.

It's like they've added so much color to it, you know, rap music, the award and all that stuff. You and I both know that one of those black guys got out there last night that do with the hat. Some black guy that was on the floor. are dead. You know half of those white people going, these fucking Negroes are ruining the Grammys. You know it. I don't even need to be there.

I don't even need to be there. That's how that critical thinking is. That's how it works in that. Oh my God, it was so artistic. No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't. Stop it. it. They were jumping up and down like fucking, you know. Anyway, I'm not here to say nothing

bad. I mean, but it's like, what has happened to everything? Like fucking everything People are They feel like they have to go Or like it's like a like it's a status thing to go But like you know There was none of that in Staten Island

Like the front row was going crazy At the top was going crazy What if you paid $428 yesterday And that's a medium range ticket somewhere You know I should get front row for $400 You're sitting with people that have Next year on that they've had

For 20 years 24 they're going in there with colors that you've never seen when you go to the front row it's people that bought gear on the way to the nick game still has the tags on it still got the tag because God forbid some of those people are going to return that shit to make ends meet that's a truth that's a truth half those shirts and those hats were picked up on the way in

to a Knicks thing and they threw it over their clothes and now they're part of the Knicks oh my god this is so exciting I have to go home and tell people I was in a nick game. Tell me how many points Jalen Rose had. Well, Jalen, whatever, is fucking, Brunson. Tell me how many points Luca had. You don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. But I know there's this 12-year-old kid in my neighborhood

that he would have died to be at that game. He would have gave his hand. But you, you fucking cock sucker, with your fucking celebrity bullshit. You go in there. with your Yankee hat and your Nick's shirt and you know, you make believe you're a fan or whatever.

And really, at the end of the game, you feel empty. Why do I think I don't go to half these games? Because I'm not having an interest in them. I have no interest in them as a team. I like football. I like basketball. I like baseball. But I'm not going to go see a team that I really don't like

unless they're playing somebody I really like and I save 500 on the ticket. That's why you go there. You don't go to Yankee Stadium. I mean, yeah. go to the Yankees stadium to watch the Red Sox because the Red Sox in Boston with the Yankees, they pretty much rape you

I heard. Or you go down to Baltimore to watch the Yankees. Yeah, you can do that. Baltimore to watch the Yankees. But yeah. It's crazy. And even like the people are terrible. Like have you ever seen like when they're like the players

are throwing the balls to the kids and like an adult will go in and grab it from them? I'm like, are you see? What kind of terrible, awful person are you? you. Yeah, Baltimore. And I'm just saying that I go to a Philly game, man, and I feel at home, I don't got a flex.

I don't have to sit in the front and make believe I'm a big fan. Yeah. High five. You're a grown man. Sit the fuck down. High five and like a pussy. You haven't done dick. You've never shot a ball since the seventh fucking grade.

And now you hear high fiving your fag friend. Another one who's hiding behind a fucking veil of tears. Will you make a sign? Who? You? Yeah, yeah, I'm going to make a sign. I love the Nick. Get the fuck out of here, Lee. I'm going to a bet game.

I'm going to a net game. I still remember the. The nets were given Philadelphia 76 is four and a half points. You remember the line? Oh, yeah, because I lost a lot of fucking money. It was a $50 timer, which is $250. If you win, 275 if you lose, me, your uncle, James, and Mike Runny.

I'll never forget. It was traumatizing. We went to Philly to pick up, get paid. We were going to Brendan Byrne Arena, Albert King. We were there. And we had tickets on the sixth side. And the whole game, like, I loved Julius serving. But I wasn't saying nothing.

Nice to him. I was like, Doc. One and a half. We got your big. You know what I'm saying? And I would bring people down there. Tell this mother, Doc! He kept looking at me.

What are you talking? Doc, what the fuck? Four and a half, we got a cover. We got, I didn't, Doc, we love you. Fuck you. You got a cover. Yeah. Yeah, four, I'm throwing his finger.

You thought it was a crippling 80, fucking five. Throwing gang signals up with that motherfucker. Four, four, fuck, hey. Four, four, motherfucker. Ooh. The fuck out of you. I went with a hat that said four and a half on. I think they do.

I bet they do. if I were a player now, I would like look up to see what the line was and if a guy was pissing me off, I'd fuck up the line. They know what the line is since 1929. Of course. And they'll say it after the game. I knew we were big underdogs. Yeah, because you look at the fucking line. Right. Yeah.

Your coach ain't going to tell you that to break your spirit. And you're a man, you're 35-point underdog. Why are we coming here? Who's saying? Why am I coming here, Joe? We're going to lose by 35 and a half. No, no, no, no. the man we're going to cover you

fuck yeah you know so it's it's it's great it is I mean I do speaking of gambling on sports have you put your Super Bowl bets in yet dude I'm fucking sweating like a fucking pig right now

because I've had bets since November on the Patriots to win and now like I almost wish they had lost earlier because now I have to sit here every fucking second until Sunday And I don't think they're going to win, which sucks. I think Seattle's a much better team.

You already put the bet in. You know, there's nothing you could do now. You want to take the small $500? No, they took it away. They took the cash out of the way. I'll check and see if I can get it again. They give me a little window now. Now you're done now.

I got to pay $500 to get $500. Follow me? At the end of the day, it's just a fucking game. And it's not like you're not going to be able to pay rent. Your car payment. No, I'm not. I'm fine. I'm excited about it.

If I were to put that bet in, it would have all been based on, you know, my car is getting paid on the 15th. Like all that money I'm going to win is paying for my dental, my car payment, gasoline. I want to buy my daughter a little flower at the Chi Chi place, whatever the fuck it is. Dude, anytime I have any money coming in, I spend it 800 ways, I'm like, all right, this will pay for this and this and this.

But meanwhile, it's like $100 and I've spent it 600 times. Well, that's the math. I know. That's the math in your head. You're not getting money going on. I'm going to go buy an eight ball. Well, I used to. But now I don't.

No. No, but I... You're supposed to be spending, and when you spend, you're like, I got to make that up. I just spent this. I got to make that shit up quickly. Yeah. And it's to the taxes time now. And you look and see what you had at the beginning of the year.

And now it's like, oh, God. And that shit gets low. Yeah. Like April, you're like, all right, it's over now. And it breaks your heart to write that check. It really does. I lived in California, she would show me that check and I go, are you fucking serious, man?

You never worry about taxes, you got to pay them. Yeah, that sucks. As you're growing up, people talk to you about taxes. He's like, what are they talking about? Fucker these fucking idiots talking about it. No, it's great when you have a regular job. You might get a refund back. that's the best.

That's like, you just, you can't wait for April 15th. It's all, it's all the self-employed people are like, you don't have to wait till April 15th, dog. You go right to fucking,

whatever, no give me an advance. Oh, really? They keep like 40 bucks, no give you money. Oh, dude, I don't pay my taxes

until the good day it's due. No, because you're paying. Right, exactly. But if you were getting a check back, forget about you just do it now. You'd be down at H&R block right now.

What's for dinner? You know what I would. I would love to get a lot. a refund. But no. Saturday. Saturday night was very interesting for me. You fucking were great.

Becky was great. They tried to rattle. Okay. That fucking little Chinese savage said, fuck you, I'm not taking it. Yeah, she did something I never would have done

at a year and a half. Yeah, she was like, she's like, you paid for your ticket. So sit down and shut the fuck up. I'm like, oh my God. I'm like, oh my God. She should have just Bill Burted.

Oh, yeah. She didn't really know. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, that was a lot of fun. It was a great show. I'm going to tell you why I'm having a really good time.

And let's get this out of the way. You know, I've been out of this scene. Not this scene, but I have been out of where I am, you know, for 15 years. For 12 years, I was at this place where I was always doing comedy. with people who were better than me. Mm-hmm. Or had more credits than I did, which never bothered me, because I always went for the funny.

But when I moved here and after being burnt out, and I moved here, I was like, yeah, the last three or four months going to the dojo on Wednesdays has been my therapy, not because of my set, but because you're talking comedy where people who were younger than you. If I walk into a bar right now, any bar, Rudy's, Osteria, Social Madison, Madison, Social, whatever the fuck they call it, I walk up to a bar right now, I got a fucking Margarita, right? And I turn to a woman, and she's obviously going to be 30 years younger than me, maybe 25, okay, and I'm going to turn, turn, go, how's your evening going? And she's going to go drop dead, oh man.

She's going to go pretty good, and you just start talking to them. after eight or nine minutes, people are going to look at you. They're going to look at fucking grandpa talking to the young girl or whatever, and you feel a little weird. When I'm talking with Becky, the other girl who was there last Wednesday, or those guys that are in their 30s, I don't feel that way. When I talk to a comedian, a female, they could be any age. There's really no blockage, unless I'm in it on a record.

And what's that going to do? That's a small space. You're not going to go nowhere by hitting on her. So when you talk to them, it's a lot different than talking to a woman at a bar or at CBS, when I bump into you at shop, right, or whatever the fuck supermarket, wherever you bump into women.

So it made it a lot easier for me. Like for a long time, I was struggling since I moved back here. There was something missing from my life. And it was comedian females. You know, listen, whatever's going on. on with them. I love Ali Wong. I came up with Ali. I came up with Whitney Cummings.

Fucking Eliza Schlesinger. I love. You know, Eleanor, I loved Annie Letterman, the two crazies in Texas, Kim Condom, and Princess Shanked in my heart, the fucking father's sentenced, OJ, the life. Rachel Wolfstein. That's my niece. That's almost blood. I could talk to those girls. Like, I see him, and it's like, no big deal. They're like, so I have. So I have. still had that in my mind, but I could be like that with regular women. You can't. They don't have that understanding like that. No, because comics can say, while, you can ask Kim Kongdon about the time the guy grabbed her pussy, she kicked him in the head, and she'll laugh about it. And if you said that to any, a woman at Rudy's, they'd call the cops on you.

That's true, too. But it's kind of weird that that, the problem I was having. I was struggling with that and didn't even know it. And once I started going to the dojo and Becky, and even the waitress at the dojo. Yeah, she's great. He's there every Wednesday. What's her name? Gianna. Deana.

Diana. She's been there every Wednesday. So she's part of our little fucking. She don't even get dressed up for us no more. You know what I'm laying? Usually girls do up their hair on Wednesdays. She said, fuck these bones. I don't know.

She's busy beating people up at this dojo. She, she yells at the other servers at the people. She's great. She's, and yeah. And she, like, handles it. Like she has a few like underlings. That sounds bad.

But she has a few like servers under her. But then like she's like, she like handles the entire place and she's like shorter than me. I think she's four foot eight. Oh, yeah. She's young too. I think her dad is one of the owners or something. Very sweet.

Yeah. Very sweet. Knowledgeable. Hands on. Always ask you if you want water or something. But why do you think? I feel when I walk in there, I see it now, I'm like, what up, yo? You know, you start talking to them.

There's no thought of anything else. No. Like, there's no thought of anything else. Why do you think you missed having... Because if you're around male comics, like, what's the difference with the female comic? I was around Felicia for a long time. Okay.

Before that, it was Marilyn Martinez. Yeah, you know, all these women are fucking 100% married. And here I am in a car with them, driving at three in the morning. I'm like, what the fuck? But then again, sometimes I'd be Maryland and Dave in the car, got rest both their souls.

I'd be in the car. They'd be arguing. Me and Dave would be popping pain pills, smoking dope, telling me about the Crips and the Bloods in 1978, you know. And he never, like, I slept in the bed with Maryland

in Texas one time. She was scared of the drug dealers, the cartel. So she's like, Joey, I'm sleeping with you. I'm like, what am I going to do with a 400-pound woman? I'm my fucking bed, you know what I'm saying? But it was great.

We had a great night. We giggled. That's funny. Nobody thought about, Dog, I remember being in El Paso. No. What's the other place in Arizona? Not Tempe.

Down. God damn it. Scottsdale? No. University. Arizona State isn't Tempe. But the University of Arizona is in that other place. No.

Down. All the way. Down. It doesn't. It doesn't really matter. But I still remember. that town was a nightmare. Like we used to do comedy at a place called Bugsys,

Albuquerque. Oh, that's New Mexico. New Mexico, I'm sorry. Wasn't Albuquerque? Who cares? And I was doing comedy a place on Tuesday. It was called Bugsys. And it was a drug element.

And then they put us at a hotel, the same hotel. And there was a crack hotel at the time. And after, you know, when you went there every 90 days, because it was a weekly show, but Rudy would put you on a lineup. And every 90 days, every hotel room,

you could tell they kicked that in. You know, when you go to open the door, the door goes back and stuff, you know. And I remember being in there one night with a beautiful black girl. I just seen it. I forget her name. She had a child.

She was divorced. And, you know, she just didn't like sleeping at this hotel room, bro. She kept calling me all night. Like, what's going on up there? Do you hear that scream? And I'm like, no, I don't hear nothing. No, you didn't.

You definitely said, oh, I heard. No, no. You know, I'm not saying you're trying to get in bed with her. I'm saying, just to fuck with her. She was very sweet. It was me. She's still in the game. She's still doing great.

She writes for somebody big. But she called me. She goes, let's enjoy it. I hope you don't take this wrong. I'll be over there in like three minutes. And I was like, what the fuck? And she came over with all clothes. And she's like, I can't do it.

I got to sleep with you on the bed. My husband knows and my boyfriend knows. I'm here with you. And it was like, It was like two newlyweds that didn't have sex. We just talked all night about comedy. That's it. Yeah.

It's fun. It's fun going, like, just doing shows with other comics. Like, it's, I thought, the dojo has been great for you. Has any of this made you want to go into the city? Are you still, are like, I'm making an appearance of the city this week. There you go. Yeah.

It's a surprise attack. That's awesome. There's no dojo this week. So I was like, what am I going to do this week? So I reached out. There's a couple open mics. There's one in Hoboken I go do. There's one tonight in my neighborhood.

I go do just to do 10 minutes just to stay not even relevant. Just to, yeah, keep my mind cooking, you know? Yeah. But you might do the city something? Yeah, I might do the city this week. That'd be fun. Surprise somebody on their show and surprise the whole establishment because they tried to pull me in there

with every other person that I would never respond to. this girl, I'll do anything for her. You know what I'm saying? I'll fucking light a house on five for her. That's awesome. She's 18. I know her father. You know,

so I'll do anything for her. So I saw she has a show in the city. She's asked me before, and I'm just going to drop in. Nice. Ten minutes, get the fuck out of there. Get a hot dog. Get a halal meat fucking chicken stick.

You know what I'm saying? Let's take a breather real quick to talk about draft kings. We got a soup boat coming up. We got a big week coming up. We got college basketball. We'll be right back. Give us two minutes. Hey, Uncle Joey here, and am I excited?

You know why? Because it's Super Bowl time, you savages. Draft King Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of Super Bowl 6 feet puts you in the center of the biggest game of the year. And you know me,

anything can happen during the Super Bowl. Draft Kings has your back with the early exit. Let's say a player goes down in the first half. You still get paid out in cash immediately once your bets, settles. No bonus bets, no waiting. Now, if you're new to Drap Kings, new customers can bet $5 and get $300 bonus bets if your bet wins. Who's better than you? That's $5 to win 300 bonus bets if your

bet wins. You're going to start off by download the Draft King's Port per Cap and press in code Joey, J-O-E-Y. That's code Joey, J-O-E-Y to turn a fin, $5 into $300,000. bonus bets if your bet wins in partnership with Draft Kings. And I love these guys. And I love Draft Kings for one specific reason, because the crown is yours, Jack. Download the Draft King Sportsbook app and let's make this weekend be the best weekend for you in years. See ya. Anyway, I'm not even going to say the teams.

Gambling problem. Call 1-800 Gambler. New York call 8778-8-8-Hope-N-N-Y or text Hope and Y. Connecticut call 888-78-9-7-7-7-7-7. or visit ccpg.org. On behalf of Boothill Casino in Kansas, wager tax pass-through may apply in Illinois. 21 and over in most states.

Void in Ontario. Restrictions apply. Bet must win to receive bonus bets which expire in seven days. Minimum odds required. Four additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.com slash audio. Limited time offer. Hey, Uncle Joey, I want to talk to you about something.

Listen, hangovers are for little kids. Party like an animal and wake up refreshed with Nowadays. Nowadays is a zero-proof T-8 C. infuge beverage. Listen, it's clean. It's a balanced buzz with no hangover, no regrets. Me, I love my little nowadays. You wake up in the morning, you pop one, tip top magoo. The taste is sensational. Whatever the occasion, nowadays as you covered, sip on a canned TAC cocktail or take a high dose shot and see the devil within minutes. Nowadays even has a limited edition lemonade to get you in the mood for summer.

You follow me? You drink two shots to this. It's summer. You'll start sweating. Anyway, visit trin nowadays.com slash Diaz. Again, try nowadays. com slash Diaz to get 30% off your order.

That's try nowadays. com slash Diaz or pressing code Diaz at checkout. It's that easy. Use the store locator to find nowadays near use. And remember, drink responsibly. You gotta be 21 over. If you're 18, take a hike. Go fix your skateboard. We're back, Jack. You know, I was watching Rocky. Rocky's always on, you know. And maybe a month ago was one of those marathons where, you know, Mickey was still alive. Okay. And it was a converse. I walked in on it. Like, I left the TV on watching Rocky One. And when I came back, Rocky 8 was on, whatever, it was.

one of them with Mickey. I'll never forget Mickey saying something and they're fucking, you know, this is a stupid movie. But Mickey said something to Rocky about. Not the first one when I have all this knowledge, hey, you need a manager. This is what he said.

I'll never forget this. I'm not saying it verbatim because I don't know. I'm just telling you what he said in the thing. He goes, when you get to a part in your life that you've done something for so long, and people around you start dropping, you know, dying,

and you start losing things in your life. He goes, what's going to bring you back? Is that thing you did for 35 or 40 all your life to share it with people? Or better yet, sometimes you meet people who are younger doing what you did for that time. And while you being around them and sharing for them, it keeps you alive.

He said that to Rocky one time. By me coming here and being involved with you, this is why I'm alive. I'm not alive because I do Jumping Jackson. Because you could do all the Jump in Jackson World, be dead inside. You have no purpose. You have no purpose.

Ever since I've gone to the dojo, I've gotten a purpose. Yeah. You know, one kid always asks me something every week, something that they want to ask somebody. Well, dude, not only are you from their area. which is probably the biggest thing. And the dojo is great,

and there's a lot of great comics who go there. But they don't usually go to the showcase night or hang around or like are available to talk to. Like for open mic, I still go to open mics. For an open mic or just randomly see Joey Diaz at the show they're on one day, like their heads explode on the inside.

But it shouldn't. Yeah, but it should. The biggest comic they're usually seeing is the guy who features. like the feature who got like his first spot from the open mics is like the biggest comics they've ever seen and then you've been on Netflix and it's just like damn it's uh because it's still to me is pretty crazy i don't judge it because i don't judge it because i've been on netflix i can't care less about Netflix you know yeah but it's a lot but you you can say that because you've been like

yeah most of these guys will be lucky to have a YouTube special but if I but even that you don't define your comedy career by special. You don't define it. I mean, I don't. And I never went into it looking like that, but I can't wait to have 13 specials because I always knew my limits and what I'm good and I'm bad at.

I don't like to say the same shit every night. I don't like you to tell me what the fuck to say either. You know, if you're on a roll about something, run with it, bitch. Well, that wasn't in the set lit. Listen. Who care? What was a little risque?

You know, that was never for me. No. I judge things on what I judged Saturday night on. On what I judge for a lot of day alone. That's where I judge things when it's, you know, like I told Becky, it's not two years of experience or nine years of experience. This is 35 years of experience now. Yeah.

I should not be making mistakes. This is like the godfather now. Women and children make mistakes. You don't make mistakes at that center of that. But I learned by talking to you guys. You understand me? I learned, man. I learn because it brings things up again.

I hear those kids talking in between themselves. You don't think I'm listening, but I'm listening. And they're talking about the same shit. I was talking about 30 years ago. Man, I can't wait to do this. I can't, you know. The Booker won't call me back here. The Booker won't call me back.

That motherfucker. I painted his house. You know, it's always something. And that's interesting to me because they don't think they're learning. They're learning. I didn't think I was learning something. I was driving 12 hours to Idaho

and dealing with, you know, this. I didn't think I was learning anything. I was learning a lot more than what I thought. And I'm listening to them and I giggle inside. I go, these fucking idiots. That was me. I wish I could explain it to them. But don't never believe me.

me. They just see the finished product. Yeah. They just see the finished product. I'm trying to tell them that I fucking hold that part of my life dearly. 1995, 96, that was me, bare bones. That's not Joey Diaz 2.0. That's not Coco 2.0. This is bad bones that you have to drive around with stuff to put in your radiator to fill the holes because, you know, it's going to blow. at one point you hear that whistle and the water squirt now,

I'm ready. You let the thing cool. You fill it up in water and you throw one of those pills in and you lock it. Then you get wee-b-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo. That'll get you another 200 miles, you know? I wouldn't have known that, right? Right there, I learned something. If I learned anything about comedy and now cars don't have radiators, correct?

So, no, I don't have radios no more. I have no idea what the point is. They don't understand. I'm sitting there. Because they think they're getting beat up. But little do they know they're learning about life. They're learning about bookers. They're learning about how people work.

How when people have power over you, they could treat you however you want. And since you're a comic, you'll accept it. They don't know that if I come up to Lee and he's an open mic and I go, hey, Lee, get out of here. You suck. And Lee comes back and knocks me the fuck out. That Lee's going to get spots all over town. Instead of him taking it from me, I've been on Netflix, okay? I was on the Joe Rogan experience.

You know, those guys. I don't give a fuck about Joe Rogan experience on Netflix. I give a fuck about the time that you put in there. Yeah. So what they didn't know that I realized, because for years I was a coward too. You know, I was a county boy. But a booker tells you jump and dance, you jump and dance.

Yeah. You want to make it. You want to make it. You know, you want to go from $50 for $75, bro. I got paid $75 hours last time because for years, your friends will ask you, how much you get paid for that gig? Nothing. Yeah, zero.

Nothing. What are you, a MOOC? You're a fucking asshole. Didn't your mother raise you better? And they don't understand. Nobody understands that racket. And that's the racket that the world's becoming now. You're going to have to audition for your fucking work pretty soon.

You know, and that's it. You're a framer? Frame 10 pictures in two hours. If not, don't bother. You said you're a framer. You said you paint. Yeah, 30 years. I got my own company.

Paint this motherfucker in two days. Let's see how good you are. And that's very seldom that you do that in life. So this is a different education. This is building your bones up and your balls and your skin. This is building getting you ready for what is Los Angeles. Oh, my God. We love the material if you did about the lizard.

It's so brilliant. And then two weeks later. that joke is so hacked and what you tell me what's so good for in front of your white buddies with the feather in his hat for

right so all that shit early on that these bookers don't call you back and you know all of a sudden the best is when you don't he won't return your calls

and they treat you like shit and you come to me when I were talking I'm like listen I'm doing this gig that guy don't like me what do you mean he won't book me

you come on with me and now you walk in there with me and watch that motherfucker his face turned You want a ginger ale? How do you know How do you know him? He's my buddy.

I've been known him for 20 fucking years. I'm not going to tell him that he mistreated you. Yeah. I'm not going to tell him that. I'm going to play it like nothing happened, but he knows why I'm here.

You fucking sack of shit. You fucking sack of shit. Oh, that's like probably like I don't, I'd love to have a special someday when I'm looking forward to being able to walk up to any, any, that's my dream to be able to not even in a bad way,

but just go to any club and be like, I want to do a set. And like, okay. It's like when I walked into that Theo place. And again, I don't walk on this shit. That's my brother. He'll tell you, I don't play on this shit. But you know what, man? Again, I was telling you last week, I owe it to myself, that every once in a while you got to take care of yourself.

You know, it's like George. Right now, something happens tomorrow when he gets a call that, you know, he has to get a job. And he goes to New York City. The hub of that shit. Okay.

Goes into the village. And he goes and he applies for a job. He's going to work for a guy that's never framed before. That took heart in college. And this guy's going to give him fucking orders. How long do you think he could take those orders for? Four hours. Because at the end of the day, I have to look at you at this point in my life and go, who the

fuck are you? Yeah. Like, why are you telling me how to do this job? Like, when I walked into Theo's thing, I could tell they were all amateurs. Come on, follow us. It's don't work that way. Call away. Let the man air out.

Let him take his jacket off. Let him shake his dick in the toilet. Let him wash his hands. Let him take a sip of fucking water. But right there, I know I'm dealing with amateur bill. Joey, come this way. We got a cabinet for you. We got this.

We'll be back. for five minutes. You ever remember, do you ever get a brand new teacher when you were like in middle school or high school and they were assholes? Oh yeah. Meanwhile, the 60 year old guy is like awesome.

And yeah, because they get, they're nervous. Like they feel like they have to prove that they have control. It's very weird when I walk into a place now, somebody's going to tell me my fucking job. I don't,

I don't even want to stop and talk to you. Like I don't, I'll just walk right past year because stop. Stop. Stop. We've been doing this for a long time. come in as a team now. And everybody's got their job.

Everybody knows their job. We don't need you there. We don't need the comic that you love in the area that we need to put him up. No, we don't. Well, he needs to go up. Well, next time I come, he could go up. I ain't going to be it next time. But do you know what I'm saying?

You start. And it took me five years to grow balls in comedy. It took me five fucking years to tell him a motherfucker to suck my dick. And there was that dude that called me and he threatened me. I'll never forget how I felt when he threatened me that day on the phone. And he's like, if you're not down here, you're going to have a big fucking problem, okay? You're going to get never work comedy again.

You're never going to work Texas. You're never going to work on improv. You're never going to do this. You're never going to do that. You'll never work for this comedy chain. And I'm sitting there taking this shit on the phone. I'm like, you know what? I get what you're saying.

I'll be there. It was a two-day drive. Two-day fucking drive from Seattle to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Oh, my God. Whatever the fuck he wanted me to go to $425 a show. Oh, so you're not even going to lose money just driving there. Yeah, forget the plane ticket. The plane ticket's a deuce, you know.

And I'll never forget waiting there. I was living in Seattle. And I said, fuck this motherfucker. He knew, like at that time I was doing comedy six years. but I was one of his best comics. Oh, geez. Like, I was one of his best comics. Like, he was co-headlining me and shit.

Wow. And he's like, I already sold you to the people. You have to be there for opening night. And I'm like, and that night I waited until 6 o'clock. I had my pageer, and he paged me, like at 7 o'clock Seattle time. Like, you know, question marks. And I called him back, and he goes, where are you at? I go, I'm pulling in right now.

Where are you pulling in to, uh, the whole, Tell, you got me. All right, call me when you're there. I'll be there in 10 minutes. I'll be waiting for you. Winter Rush. I called him 20 minutes later. Where are you at?

He goes, I'm in front of the hotel waiting for you. God damn it. Where are you? I go, I'm in Seattle, Washington, motherfucker. What? I go, I'm in Seattle, Washington. I didn't make the track. As a matter of fact, who the fuck

do you think you are threatening me? You've never been a comic. You've been booking bands all your fucking life. How are you going to call the improv and ban me? I know people. I know. I know. He was just throwing names out there. You know what? Do yourself

a favor. Go fuck yourself. I just hung up on that motherfucker and I'm like, all right, we're on to something now. You tell the motherfucker to go fuck and yell for a minute you're like, man, I just killed myself. I'm never going to work again. And then three years from now, you're here. This guy's in real estate now. He bought a

laundromat and you're like, what the fuck is wrong with me? No. They have this fake intimidation. I'm in San Francisco. I told you, it was an open mic that the guy used to break my heart. You know, you drive up there on, there was an open mic dog.

I used to drive, listen. I used to drive from Boulder, from Boulder to Kansas every Sunday. How long, I would drive is that? Nine hours. Okay. To do the open mic. Damn.

And sometimes he picked you, and sometimes he didn't. Nine hours each way or four and a half? You don't feel like an idiot? I can, yeah. The only thing I could be worse than that? is going to a Yankee game, then losing 11 or nothing. And you got a shirt on.

You got to drive the subway on the way on with your fucking Yankee shirt and your hat on. That's the only worst feeling to that, okay? That you drove nine hours. You rented a hotel room. You can't even afford your rent. You had to borrow and scrape to get this hotel room for 1995 with three of those little towels. And people yelling all night long. Holy shit.

you stand there you're there at 730 you're nice to people hey how you're doing all son 10 o'clock well that's our last comic and oh there's no i didn't drive nine hours for nine hours i never did that i went to burbank there was a and they're called bucket open mics when they put like your name in a bucket and people just pull your ticket out there was a comic who got banned from the one in burbank because he went They just had like the roll of like red and blue tickets that they sell for the fair. He just went and bought a roll of them. Put like 80 of his names in. You get creative and they can't handle it.

You get creative as an open, like the best open mic thing I've heard was Jamie Fox. He wrote his name as Jamie Fox because they thought they were bringing up a girl. That's smart. And he hid the whole night. They think they're bringing up a girl. They're always going to bring up a girl. Because it's not fair.

because the host will we're talking about people who take too much fucking pride in their job some open my clothes are great there's a lot of open my host who I love

and there's a lot of them who when I get it they pull their friends it's a bucket you're supposed to put your hand and pull it out and those assholes they pull their friends

they see your name they put you back in and they pick a girl and they feel like they're curating an evening of comedy it's a cold it's a cruel world out there

and either you're in or you're out the thing about me I'm with you, you're with me, and they want to be with us. You understand me? They could all suck your dick. So there was a guy in San Francisco that you did the weekend, and then Sunday night you went there and stood there, like a hooker.

After the weekend? Yeah, like you did Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and then you had Sunday off. This was a triple booker, but he was his partner. And what he did was he mixed the triple runs with all of his rooms in Northern California. Okay. so you could do like a big run. It was $75 a night with no hotel.

Damn. I slept on the beach two nights. Took a shower at the diner with a sink with a little hose with hot water. No. And he would just walk by you. And I think I went like every time I went to do that run or a different run, he had a different run up there, Palo Alto and all that shit. I would always go in there.

he would never fucking pick me. And then one time, on the way from Seattle to Los Angeles on the drive, when I was moving, the trailer broke down. We were in. So we got stuck in San Francisco. And I was there all week, and I went in there on Sunday night. And he goes, some other guys vouch for you. You've been around town all week.

I'm going to put you up. But if it wasn't for that, I don't like New York City. He goes, I don't like New York City people. That's a weird thing to say. I took the spot. I thanked him. And I just, I said, I'm never coming back in here again, but I'm going to etch this in my fucking mind.

And sure enough, I moved to L.A., Gilbert Escobel, a good dear friend of mine, the laugh factory, the owner didn't like me. He goes, I like you, but your style is Las Vegas. Showroom. This is a, uh, uh, showcase club. Showcase club. No, no, no.

He called me something else. Where he wanted me to go. was to Vegas to come out with a tuxedo. Right. And, you know, all that shit. So one owner wanted to have a tuxedo on the other owner wanting to be fucking Castro.

Right. That's Missy Shore later on. When she got the fucking disease. Oh, okay. I thought that was just a real... You know, I got into... I didn't get into the Laugh Factory. Right. But Gilbert, I worked all the Latin rooms and Gilbert ran that room. And he goes, you come in here

whenever the fuck you want. Yeah. He goes, just call, and I'll put you up in 920. That was a hot spot. That was a hot spot. 920 to 940, 940, Carlos, Pablo Francisco, Willie Barcena. Somebody would go up and rock that fucking room.

So he gave me 920 every week. 920, 920. I'm there about six months on Monday. Your goal at that time was to get a triple ground. Yeah, that'd be great. So you wanted to do the store, the improv, and the laugh factor. That was tough. In one night.

In one night. So you had to get the laugh factory and the improv for damn sure. Then the comedy store you could pop in. So it's a no-brainer. Oh, yeah. So if you didn't have the laugh factory, you're like, fuck. I got to go down there now and stand around like an idiot. But Gilbert always took care of me.

I think about him a lot. I'm there one Monday night, and guess who's there? Johnny San Francisco with three of his little fat, faggy comics, like four of his San Francisco comics at the time. At the time, they weren't good. There were those comics that go, you do that sometime. Don't let me hear you do that. What I do?

Ah! You say a joke and they'll go, ha! Like, hold on, don't do that. I rather you're not laugh. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Why are you insulting people? But that's what these San Francisco little white fags

kept doing every week. Ha! Ha! ha! ha! Ha! ha! What are you doing? The guy's eating a bag of dick. You're the only one that sounds like a feel over here. Sometimes I'm not trying to support people. Don't laugh.

But don't go, ha ha, ha. Did you hear me? I giggled. Who gives the fuck? I rather, you know, I hear you say shit. I'd rather bond to death than here, fake laughter. So he walks in there with five his boys and, you know, and he comes up to me this motherfucker.

I don't know if you remember me. I know you got 20 minutes tonight. Do you mind giving me 10 of your minutes? What? Dog, that was the happiest night of my life. Go fuck yourself. The things I said to that motherfucker. And he just looked at me like,

usually if you were tough you would go you're not talking to me like that this dude just looked at me and he goes okay I remember that and he just walked away they go get a fucking coffee in San Francisco you fucking faggot you're gonna come over here to me

fucking and then his boss was a bigger dick he had a boss that was 100% fucking gay again I didn't give a fuck he had like a girlfriend but he wanted to suck Joe Rogan's dick and I'll fucking back that I'll get three comics

to the community tell you right now, oh, dog, it was bad. So he would pick up Rogan for radio with one seat. Yeah. Oh, I don't have room for you guys. And we're like, Rogan, don't get in the car.

Rogan, and Rogan would go, shut the fuck up, guys. And I would say, Rogan, don't get in the car. He's going to suck your dick. In front of the guy? Oh, my God. Because the guy told Rogan and Ralphie. The guy told Rogan one day,

Rogan was too much of a brother to tell us. there was Ralphie who pulled me aside and he goes, bro, Cobbs, that dude that runs it, owns it. He pulled me aside when day and he asked me why Joe took you, Ari and Duncan on the road that all three of you were waste of life.

Jesus Christ. And he doesn't know why he took him on the road. And I go, because he's jealous because he wants to suck Joe's dick. But I'm fucking, what's that guy? What's the ugly fat chick that hangs out all night? The sidekick. She always brings the ugly sidekick.

When you have a date with a hot chick, hot chick. You always get the sidekick that I don't want to be here. What about to get my dick sucked in the phone booth. Cockblock. Yeah, cock blocking. So I would be like the cock block. Oh my God. And he asked you for 10 of your minutes? Not him. On the open mic guy. That came later. That came like two or three years out. Bro, every year we go to San Francisco. And every year there was drama. Every

fucking year there was drama. That broke the computers one year. The one year was the San Francisco fire. Yeah. Thought every time I went to San Francisco. So we got to the point where we just go up there and the guy hated us. And that's when Rogan had two bodyguard. He had Tate and Eddie who would come with us just out of principle and Brian. So that's me, Ari, Duncan, Joe, and four of those fucking dudes.

That went everywhere together. We sit in that green room and the dick owner would come up first. go, there's menus here. And then he leave and we get this chicken sticks. Bro, but it was seven guerrillas. So we get 35 orders of chicken sticks. From the club? And the club will come up and the guy, the scumbag, would come up and go, I can't do that

order right now. You're doing it. You're doing it. We're the talent. We're hungry. We want chicken sticks. Fuck everybody else. And dog, he just ran downstairs.

And it was me. They hated me. Rogan would just go, Jesus. fucking Christ, Joey. You can't do this to these people. We've got to treat these people with respect. Fuck them. I'm under your umbrella.

You know what I'm saying? Fuck them. I just would love to see the server telling him they want 35 orders of chicken sticks. Oh, we'll crack them. Think about it. It was fucking say, eight gorillas. We're going to get three, you know, three little chicken sticks. We need one a piece, two a piece.

Oh, my God. At least, dude, I can't, I can't get over someone asking you for your time at the store. No. At the last factory. Wherever it was. Ask me for my time at the open, Mike. I'll fucking kill you. And then about six months later, I was at the laugh factory again.

How dare you? And Paul Rodriguez walked in with John Fox one night. I don't give a fuck about John Fox. I like Paul. We're brothers from the comedy store. But John, I don't know about him. And I've heard nothing good about him. So Paul goes up and he goes, hey, man,

do you mind if I bring up John and then he'll bring you up? And you give him a ton of your minutes. go, and I thought about it for a minute. This is 98. I've been there for about a year. And I thought about it for a minute. I go, first of all, John Fox snorted his fucking life. John Fox was the first guy.

Rodney picked up all those years. Anything Rodney did, John Fox did. Everybody else became a star. He didn't. You know why? Because he snorted everything. I go, I don't want that guy around me. I didn't say this to Paul.

But I'm like, Paul, that's not happening. I got 20 minutes. I worked really hard to get these fucking 20 minutes. And now you want me to give it to this fucking guy? And Paul's like, bro, if you don't do it, it's not cool. I'm not cool, then. No. Take my fucking chances.

But I'm not giving you 10 of my fucking minutes, man. You thought so, dude, like, if it was like a good friend, if Eric, for some reason, or like, if, like, a guy that I knew. My brother gets 10 minutes. Yeah. My brother gets half of what I got. It's like a comic that we know. Rich was telling me about a different comic that called him up three weeks ago to ask him to put a word in when it were Rogan.

He goes, I'm not putting a word. And then he called me and told me about it. And I go, let me tell you what that motherfucker did to me. I had those sold-out shows in Tempe. Okay. And this motherfucker just walked in one night. Haven't talked to him in two years, was never tight with him. When I met him, it was under a bad situation.

Like, I had to look him in the eye and go, you better get to it because you're going to get knocked out of the fucking improv. When I first got out there, I'm 98, I was still a little rough on the edges and had a crazy girlfriend. I had gunning up with her. I go to the bathroom when I come back, he's trying to talk to my girlfriend. I go, beat it. He goes, who are you? I go, are you fucking kidding me? I just pulled the chair out.

Hey, man. Hey, man, what? Hey, man, what? Hey, man, what? All right. And then. I love it. I'm doing a fucking sold-out.

weekend. And, you know, Tempe has all those golf things. So all these little golf fags go down there. He's one of those golf club fags comic. And, Doug, this motherfucker walked into the Tempe Impro. And he just came into the green room. He goes, can I do 15 minutes? And I said, no. Dog, his whole body turned pale. He's like, what do you mean? No. You're not getting 15 minutes. I don't know you. I know you. When was the last time you called me? He wasn't watching me send me a birthday card. When was the last time you called me and said, hey man, how you doing?

I see you're blowing up. How are you doing, man? You just want to walk in here and for me to give you 15 minutes of my audience that I worked hard to put in there. Not happening. He called 18 of my friends. And all of them told him,

dog, you're lucky, you fucking, he said no. Yeah, because, you know, these people are out of their minds. I'm not giving you a ton of my minute. Lee walks in, you could take all my time. You think I want to do time?

You can I want to do 45 minutes? Can we take 25 of those? Yeah, I'll pay him half. Good, take it. Go, Lee. I don't want to do all that fucking time. I'm an old man. I get it.

You understand? I don't want to do. When I come to an open mic, people think I want to do 50 minutes. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that because I was the recipient of that at one time. When some jerk off, we did a commercial,

you know, came in. Listen, yeah, we're going to bump everybody to do 40 minutes. a bad material. To take the room from death to post death, like fucking, you know, one of those Mel Gibson movies. Roadhouse, whatever, road warrior,

whatever, fucking postmodern. Post apocalyptic or something. Yeah, I'm not doing that shit. Oh, my God. Meanwhile, because I've had a place turned the mic off on me once. The fucking host of the show did like impressions from like 30 years ago.

Oh, yeah. It was the worship. And like, I've had places be like, listen, at four minutes you get the light. At five, you're already gone too far. If you get to 5.30, we will play you off and you will never perform here again. Meanwhile, like someone with a YouTube credit comes in and they get to run the light, bump everybody. It's fucking crazy. And it's- It's very disrespectful.

Yeah. There's two things that are disrespectful in comedy that I'll judge you right off the back because I know what type of person are you. And we discussed this a couple times ago. I have a dear friend that does this, and this is why I don't put them in my shows. When I look in the face and tell you 10 fucking minutes, it's 10 minutes. Yeah.

It's eight minutes. And you get off at 9.5, 10. I mean, if you're destroying them, stay. But if you're ending on a hippie, hippie note, take your time and pull the plug and get a roast piece challenge and come back and do it tomorrow. Same thing for the Feature Act. Because there's a limit.

There's a reason why you're doing that. Those times of it. There's a fucking reason. You think that you're going to go up there and do 25 minutes in front of the feature and we're going to hire you going to take his job. You just lost the job. That's true. You just lost the job.

You just lost the job because not only did you tell the Feature Act, you disrespect them. You disrespected me as the headliner. That's why I don't like doing late shows. because the delay show runs late. Every minute off that clock is put on me. That's one more minute. They can have another cocktail.

That's one more minute they can drop another pill. That's going to make it tougher on me. So if my show is supposed to start at 10.30, and the show don't start until midnight. They're not going to see me until one. Why am I going up there? I'm walking into it. So timing is everything.

Yeah. And it is, it shows like, When I see someone do it, you think less of them. I mean, a minute is different than, but some people do like 11 minutes, seven minutes. The lights on it. I'm over here. Ba, pa, pa, pa, pa.

I'm throwing heat over here. And then I get a loud explosion in the room and I'm going on a glance. I see the lights blue. All right, thank you very much. That's my, wow. The fucking comedy store original room, bam. Yeah, great. But if I'm running, if I get that response and then I'm running,

And now I went from getting an A to a B minus. Oh, yeah. That always happened. Because that time, why are you doing? You know this. Even if you don't run the light, just trying to fit one last joke in. It always fucking bombs. But what's going on in Iran right now?

Shut the fuck on. You're on stage. They don't want to know about Iran right now. That's what they've been watching on the TV all fucking day. You know? So, and I learned this in Seattle. But I learned dignity here in Hudson County. They give you 10.

Do nine. and get the fuck out of it. Yeah. You stick around to 18, 20. People are going to go, hey, that was a good set, but two and that people in the room are going to go. Fuck you.

You're booked. You're done. I'm not going to have you here. I'm working on time. And it makes, because I don't know, I bet you know, but sometimes I'll be up there

and they won't give me the light yet or a couple times I've missed it. If you do 10 minutes five times a week, you know what 10 minutes is. Around nine minutes. So, like, oh, wait, I should be getting off around now. You do it like, if they don't give you the light until you've been up there, like 11, I'll notice. I'm like, someone should have given me the light by now.

And here I am. I actually believe, it's like anything else. You're going to stop fucking my chick. You're in there, bah, paw, paw, bye. Now you got the rhythm. Ba, pa, pa, bye. You go for the head now. The shit's moving.

The birds, the cat's looking at the door. You're fucking walking this motherfucker. You're not going to, you're not just going to stop. Okay? Sometimes you're having too good a time. And that's when this happens. When you're having a great time, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And all of a sudden, boom, they're laughing. You're laughing. The fucking guy in the piano's laughing. Everybody's laughing. And you look up and see the lights on. Not that it's blinking. It's just on. Right.

Wrap it up. Wrap it up. Yeah. Wrap it up. There's nothing else you're going to add to that fucking joke. And you showed that you respected the guy in front of you. because the only reason I would try to out with you is if I'm trying to take your job

with somebody's job in this room and you ain't taking nobody's job. You lost the job. Most people have the job to lose it. Like when I go to an audition, my agent always goes, it's your job until you lose it. Yeah.

This is yours until you lose it. Until you fuck it up. Until you fuck it up. That's it. He came to my club. He did five shows. He killed every show, but he ran the light all five fucking shows.

A knucklehead will go, yeah, but I killed. Nobody's talking about it. You missed the whole fucking thing. It's like when Bruce Lee smacks the Chinese kid and says, by you looking, you missed the beauty of the moon and the stars. It's every day we do this shit.

Yeah, and there's plenty of people who can get the same response, especially as an opener. As an opener, like, you're super replaceable. because I can replace you for 25 bucks tomorrow night. Tonight. If I really want to snort Coke, I can find somebody for 10 bucks to go there. For free.

And a dinner and two drinks. You know, that's the problem. We discussed last week why there's no comedian union. Yeah. Okay. That is a problem. But it's also, it's really cool. Like, just being, like, making those slow steps and, like, that club.

And that's why we're horrors. Because a little bit they're being nice sometimes. Like those, like, the local clubs when they hire you, for the first time at your first hosting weekend, you're fucking pumped. You do the dry cleaning. You're so happy. What people don't realize is the first time I hire you

for $150 for three shows. But people don't think the host, he's going to fucking start search. Yeah. This is big, if I go to a host comic, and I go, hey man, I got a weekend for you. The guy's like, come on. Yeah, five shows.

I want to go to San Antonio. Yeah, come on. And I look at you and go, listen, I got a sister who's got the perfect ass and has dying of put it in your face and then fart a red bean rice and fart in your face. He'll go, that's never going to cover. I'm going because to him, those five shows of Madison Square Garden to a guy like me. Yeah. Do you follow me where you have to cut your toenails?

You're from the bottom up. You even drank a fucking poison to kill everything in your antibacterial. You got to be beautiful from the way up. You're at the green room two hours early. Yeah, you're in there two hours early. And they used to be me. You could be starving. The guy's like, you want anything they eat?

Never! Ralphie told me not to raise a bill. I'm not going to sit down. I'm not even going to sit down. The chair is free. You know, this is big to you. The first five of them until somebody goes here, take that bucket, go clean the puke in the back and you're like,

okay. Where was that in my fucking comedy repertoire? And then you see what they see you for. And then you either quit or your goal is to become better than these people. I'm going to come back to this club and tell you, look you in the eye in front of everybody, the staff, and tell you to suck my dick. And you'll have to take it. Because I sold out six shows.

Whatever. Yeah. Because I became better than you. You kicked me when I was down. When I was an MC, you kicked me. You know, it's like you start in Jersey. You're a big time Jersey guy. you're an advocate for Jersey.

But for some reason, the stress factory just won't hire. You went there once, you did the MC, and the guy didn't like you. And bro, that happens everywhere. Maybe his head was somewhere else. He didn't watch the shows.

A waitress said you didn't tip right. He didn't even see you. But he'll go, no, I didn't like him. And then you move, you develop in New York, you stay away from that club. and seven, eight years later, he moved to LA and five or six years later, you're somebody. You're not a star, but you're on Comedy Central.

You got your first half hour. You got two co-stars on the show. You know, now they have to look at you weird. You call that guy back. And that guy's going to tell you, no? Last time he was here, and this is your home club. This is the club that you fucking started at. This is it.

What do you mean? No, not really. And then you wait and now, like the stress factory, the stress factory is a great club, but now they find the alternatives, the dojo, the Vinnies, and, you know, you sold out three shows of Uncle Vennies. It's a buck 40.

You sold out four shows on Uncle Vennies. You sold out five shows of Uncle Vennies. You sell six shows on Uncle Vinny. That man who ate you is going to call you. Hey, hey. Lee Syed, long fucking time. Oh my God, I watched a podcast last week. You were so high and so funny.

Mike, how long have you been doing a podcast, Lee? And all of a sudden you're like, and you just sit there. And they'll just, bro, it's like something for years. This guy hates you. Well, no, there's people who don't like you who never really seen you. And I don't really want to watch a tape. And then there's people who have a flaw with you. You fuck the comics girlfriend. When you were an open micah, they heard about it. It was their friend. You know, and now they hate you. I don't care how much hate there is. You saw

our six shows as a competing club. They will have you on that phone and blowing smoke up your this, this, that, and then they'll try to short you on money. the first time. Oh, yeah, it's your first time. I mean, I can. We're not going to go over this process again. Because the next move I make is at the state theater. And then I'm not going to sell it the first time,

but the second time in two years, I'm going to sell it out. And then people are going to start questioning you. Right. And saying, why didn't you bring a kid not from Long Island, not from New York, not from Brooklyn, Queens, or Staten Island? You didn't give a guy from Jersey a home break.

But yeah, that's for these are all the things that This is the revenge factor of stand-up comedy Where I don't want to become a star To be a star I want to become a star To prove all these dickheads wrong And I'm not gonna rub it in their face At all I'm gonna be a gentleman and let them call me

And then ask Lee every club I went to Everybody gave me a gift After not seeing me because I came from Rogan and I was too dirty in the beginning and they didn't want me back with Rogan or something and Rogan only took, Rogan would tell club owners if Diaz isn't coming,

you won't see me at your fucking club. Fucking hilarious. He did that to the comedy magic club. He kept them down for years. You know, shut them down for years. Diaz can't go and he never said none to me. I found out years later, I bumped into that same dude that didn't like me.

Hey, man, I see you're doing things of your career later you should have planned ahead motherfucker because the set you didn't like me for i ripped that room apart they used to magicians down there and you know white actors they're an old audience because j leno goes in there so they didn't want dirty comics to go in that but i went in there and i didn't read the memo i didn't get it's posted there is a sign that there's a professional club later and i was a feature act then one way one way one was a feature act then one movie, I had the longest yard, 2004, 5, 6, 7, 8. It was around that time period where I was like, I've already done a movie with

Harold Ramos, and he told me about this, telling people what to say and do shit. And I did the longest yard, and I was a regular at the store. And I'm talking about following Paul Mooney, so what are you going to throw at me? So I could talk from strength. I wasn't talking from weakness and trying to be somebody I wasn't. I was talking from strength here, you know? Yeah. I think that's a difference of being here because that's all they want you to do is sell tickets.

So when you can finally do that. That's it. Don't think it's nothing else. Don't think you're doing something. We believe that. Oh, my God. I'm selling tickets. I'm doing some.

A thousand people have done it before you and 10 million they're going to do it after you. But as long as you know that when you're doing stand up and you're killing at these clubs and you're burying guys that are selling tickets. and they're like, I can't follow Lee's too sporadic. Or you think Lee could go later because I have to go to a wedding. I have to do my spot. You knew you were going to go to a wedding.

Now you want to bump poor Lee because you don't want to follow. And now that's how you start getting your power. Now those comics that do it until you start torture them. Every time you see him, you don't have a wedding time. Your kid's sick. What is it tonight? Because then after you get off faith,

after they get off stage and you do your spot, when you finish your spot, guess who's at the bar? That same comment that had to leave because this kid was sick or he had to go home for audition for a movie and that's when you notice a fucking weakness.

And now you can just bank off, you can break them when you see them before they go up, but you don't have to leave. The doctor, your wife ain't calling from the hospital. And that's it. And then they start to hate you because you got there. You piss on their fence every time you see it. Because they tried to piss on yours.

Do your spot. Do your fucking spot, you know? This is an education. And those bury years where you feel like, that's it. That shit happens. Yeah. You fucking really go home some nights.

And you're like, I guess I'm about to call George and be an apprentice and he's going to teach me. You can't pay me. I get bugged. This is how serious you get. Then you get up the next morning. you have some eggs. And also you're like, you know what?

I'm going to give it one more day. But it just doesn't happen. I'm done. You know, that's the thing, is getting up every day. You know, I used to get so depressed. I never told people this shit. I used to get so depressed in L.A.

When I got to L.A., what do you think? I was fucking, fuck, they hated me. Like, they hate you anywhere. You know, you're the new kid on the block. They're going to make comments about your set, how you dress, They're going to be watching you. You know, nobody's letting you rise.

You're only getting seven minutes. You know? So I started going to the comedy store in the daytime. I would go to the comedy store about one o'clock. To do what? To do what? I would sit in the original and ask myself how quiet could it get in here. I'd be in there by myself.

There would be nobody in there. The Mexican kid, the mightness guy would be in the hallway. but he didn't even know I was in there. I did this three, four times a week. If I was home, I would eat lunch, and then drive myself to the comedy store, sneak in the back door and going to the original room. I never went into the main room by myself

because I was scared. Of what? Of the ghost. Okay. Okay, I'm not going to lie, nobody here. But I sat in the original room, and a couple times I drove myself to tears. And a couple times I thought I was retarded.

A couple times I thought I had to seek help. for cocaine. And then one day I woke up, and I read some about Denzel Washington, that every day, the first thing he does is not meditate or drink coffee. He tries to put himself through every emotion every day.

So he pushes himself to tears. And it would be like when I go to church. Whenever I go to church, and they start passing the fucking cookies out and shit, I get emotional because I grew up in this. I grew up when they used to pass the cookie and the nun would hit you and you had the clapper. They had the clapper to get up and sit down and kneel.

You know. But I would sit there and it was like a church for me at the time. At that time I wasn't going to church. And I would sit there and not say see myself. But I would sit there and focus on how quiet it was and dream about when I could make this room explode. Yeah. That's a true thing I did.

I did that for two fucking years. maybe three years, 97 to maybe 2003. If I had nothing to do in the afternoon, I wouldn't take a notebook in there. I wouldn't do anything. I just sit in the original room, look out onto sunset. Okay. I'd see those three chairs,

but I would just look at the stage and listen. Just focus on listening. I'm going, Jesus Christ, if I'm ever in stage and it's this quiet, I'm going to shoot myself. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to jump, and go to the roof and shoot myself.

But I dream about the day. And sometimes I would even like look at a watch or something. And I would time what 18 minutes felt like. And I would just dream about when that room would explode for me. And some days you cried because you're like, who am I kidding? It's never going to happen. You know, this is never going to happen.

But it did. It worked. me. I would just sit there in the afternoons, maybe two hours. Sometimes I get high. Sometimes I go in there and just feel sorry for myself. And then by the end, I go, who the fuck am I kidding? I'm going to come here tonight at my, do my 1245 spot and destroy these four people, you know? But one day I went in there. I was driving down there and it was right after the holidays, probably January 8th, 10th around. there. It's like a Wednesday. I'm driving down

Sunson and I'm going to go to the store and hang out because the soda gun was always you could always get a soda. That's why you went to the store. Yeah. I got a big glass of soda and sit there. And I'm pulling in there's a bunch of cars back there. I'm like, fuck. But I recognize

the piano player, the gay Jeff. Jeff's car was there. So I sit in the car and I don't know what to expect. And I walk in the front door I'm walking in the back door. And right in the original room, I hear Jeff's piano, and I hear a voice that I recognize but singing.

And I walk up the original, I didn't even go together, my free soda. I walked up the original room stairs. And on stage, at one in the afternoon, was Andrew Dice Clay and a bunch of record people, executive people, but basically old Jews. Hysterical. Like they had to be 13, old, old.

Jews in their room that had dust on them, you know, those type. They're old. They're all dusty. With the big Prosby jacket and the thick De Niro and casino glasses. Oh my God.

And Dice was singing? And Dice was on stage. And this was he was singing. So it would sort of, it was a Bolero song. And it was like, and Dice would come up and he'd go. And then the music would stop. And they'd pick up again.

And Dice would go, the contents of my balls is on your face. And the whole audience would go, why was he doing this in the middle of the day? He was trying to pitch an album to them. That was a pitch. He was doing the old Jews. Dog, I sat there for 40 minutes crying from the reaction of the dusty Jews.

Because they brought their wives at them or secretaries. And those women were petrified. Yeah. And Dice is up there. The contents of my balls is on your dits. And he would break it down for 10 minutes of the content on his balls and whack bag, wag bag, when he used to say that shit, I don't know what that means. And I'm sitting there fucking in the back just howling.

And I was like, look at this motherfucker at one in the afternoon doing something that's completely different than I think he would do. He was singing. and Jeff Scott and it was one of those Bolero me, you know, and then it would stop and that's an dice are coming.

The contents of my balls is on your face. And bro, it was, I don't think they made the album. No, I don't think so either.

Oh my God. I think it's our backwater with Peter Lemongelo's great as his Oh my God. All right, so where are you at this week, donkey man?

This week, I'm at the comment. Comedy shop three or four times. Please come on out to that. And I think that's, yeah. And then that's it for this week. Just a comedy shop. I got nothing until February 28th.

The roast of New Jersey. Then March 5th, we're in Tampa, Florida. The Hard Rock Cafe. And March 16th. Hard Rock Casino Cafe. It's a much different venue. And then the 16th were up in Connecticut. At Foxwood.

At Foxwood. So that's what we got. left April 18th. We're at fucking Nashville Comedy Festival. Lee's coming. So come on out and see us. Besides that, that's it.

It's a beautiful week to be alive. Tomorrow's my daughter's 36th birthday. Happy birthday. If you watch the podcast, I don't think she does. And that's it. We're here with queer Jack. We'll be back next week.

Same bad time. Same bad channel. Say good night, Lee. Good night, Lee. See you. Stay black.