Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Dying of Laughter with Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 1, 2025

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about Joey being so broke that he would wait for the mailman to see if he had any checks, becoming a super savage in life and business, why he is the kind of dad everyone wants and much more! Support the show and get your first month of Blue Chew for free. Just pay $5 shipping. Press in promo code JOEY at https://www.bluechew.com Produced by: Andrew Houston & Joe Russo @andyfromontario @joerussomarketing on Instagram

Yo! What's happening you beautiful savages? Uncle Joe here with my main man Lee Syatt for another episode of The Church New Testament. It's July the 1st, the rent is due, wash your muffler and let's get out there and make it a beautiful day to be alive. Hey, what's going on? Uncle Joe here. Listen, it's 4th of July weekend. If your dick is malfunctioning, it's time for some Blue Chew Jack. Blue Chew is the brand you know and love for offering chewable tablets for better sex. Now they're launching something new. You ready?

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It is Blu Chu, right? Absolutely. All right, always Blu Chu. Only Blu Chu. What's happening, Tarzan? Dude, RIP the stairs. This is the last month of the stairs. That's it. That's it.

That's it. One more month? That's it. What are you gonna do with the stuff up there, burn it? I'm gonna try to sell it, who knows. Who's gonna walk up those steps? I don't know, nobody, right? I'm gonna give some stuff to my mom.

I'll burn some of it, who knows. Oh my God. It was the fucking biggest waste of goddamn money. No, it wasn't. No, I loved living here. You know what, you said it the best. It was your face. No, I loved living here. It was just- You know what, Lee? You said it the best.

It got you here. Yeah. It got you here. And your first apartment, nobody moves in until the Trump die was the first time. You know? No. You're going to have rats, shit you didn't see. Because when you're excited, the ether.

Right. Like, I know that's what happened to you. You're like, oh yeah, I'm moving to New York. Four steps. I can do this shit every day. Fuck you. When you told me, I was like, this motherfucker's out of his bird.

He's never walking those steps, and I was correct. Well, you were correct, but this has been the craziest year of my life. I don't know, it's a year anniversary of me breaking up with my last girlfriend. Oh, here we go with the thing. Oh, shit. What? There we go, what happened?

What'd I do? Nothing, just teaching. Just torturing you, shit. I feel like I'm walking into a conversation that's already going on. There we go, what do you mean? I don't know. There we go.

It was, I moved to New York thinking like, oh, I'm gonna get put, like, that's why, the apartment that I had, had like an outdoor space. It was nice I thought I was gonna get pussy and then I meet someone two weeks in that's what happens and then yeah So it's fucking crazy, but it's great. At least oh, it's amazing ship. You're in love. She could bake Oh, she's pretty, you know, she smells good Thank you. I got a nice apartment. Yeah Yeah, that is that is my first apartment in New York.

Dude, it's, New York with money is a completely different, like they spin the rotating door for you at her place. That's someone's job. Anywhere with money, they take care of you. Can you imagine living in New York and struggling right now? Like, eight people in a four-bedroom apartment, two of them on the couch, you got one and a half bathrooms. That means at all times, all your bathrooms stink like shit. Oh my God.

Right? More than, you know, your bathroom's always going to smell like a fucking billy goat. Unless somebody sleeps at their girlfriend's or boyfriend's house struggling in New York Sucks dude. I have a friend who I met in LA who's a comic He survives out here because he's a golf caddy during the day and they give him a free place to live like the caddy shack house He got home last year His ceiling was it was just like raining in his fucking room like the all the pipes burst in LA, you know in New York Like the house that they give him I met him in it when we lived in LA and he moved here Okay, do comedy and he's a caddy

He's great comic doing great in the city But he survives because he has a free place to live because he's a caddy but the like everything just burst Like it's in the county. Yeah, okay. Fuck. I even live for free for a year I leave I caught a break more go to a hotel live by the week tell six assigned you up in all days yeah for fucking eight million dollars no you tell him it's a weekly rate not in New York well he can't stay in Manhattan Lee right you know you know what the fuck what are are you, crazy? Not only in New York, no, he's gonna have to go up to fucking the depths of, yeah, all the way out there

and get a fucking Motel 6. What's the other airport in Long Island, Ispin? Islip or Islip? Islip, yeah, welcome to Islip. Fucking guy, listen, there's no fucking shortcuts. LA, both of those cities struggling. Sucks, dick, I still remember having to shop lip cigarettes and fucking take a soda

from the gas station and shit. That's what you, you have to, the checks would come out at five at the Comedy Store, I'd be there at 4.30. Like just whistling and shit, like, can't wait to get that $75 check, I'm gonna go to Wendy's and get the fuck, yeah. I love how you knew what time the checks came out. Yeah, the checks were up to two, from two to five. And the mailman came every day at 12.35.

I was out there at attention at 12.20 in case he got lost or somebody tried to kidnap. Oh my God. Did they start to like expect you? Oh my God, I became, when I lived on Gardner or Schrader, I don't know, wherever Ralphie lived, that same building, the mailman knew us by first name. If I got a check, the mailman wouldn't just put it

in my box, he'd knock on Ralphie's door and say, I'm saving Joey the suspense. Wait, you were getting mail at Ralphie's house? No, because I was getting mail there, at somebody's house, somebody in that building, I was getting my mail there, for the longest time. For years I was getting my mail there. I can't remember whose box it was.

It was either Celine's, Gavin's, fucking Jody's, it could have been Ralphies. So I would be there, I knew them, and he was Filipino. So I knew his schedule. That's amazing. You think I'm f***ing kidding you. He would tell me when he wasn't gonna be there the next week, like I'm going on vacation, poop, poop, poop.

I will not be here, so the other guy come late, so just to let you know. But I'd be fucking waiting there it was always this and people would say to me you get the check I don't know if you're not out here you won't get dick right or wrong if I didn't get a check then I had to go hustle then I go put the day together well I got eight dollars a meal he's got a Chinese lunch you know I was waiting for 35 and dog I'm gonna be honest with you guys.

A lot of times I wasn't getting the check and the check would come from something I didn't even expect. How good does that feel when you get a surprise check? Oh my God. I still remember being broke and I had to get a plane ticket. And I went downstairs and I go, I guarantee Terry didn't check the mail.

This is when me and Terry lived together because I was getting mail at two places for a long time. And I'll never forget going downstairs and we had just gotten married, we were moving to the valley and I needed money and I went downstairs. Remember when the Sopranos stopped in 2007 or nine? HBO put a box set out and in the front

they put the mad TV sketch. So they paid me for that. I'll never forget going downstairs expecting a dick day and opening up my thing and there was like a check for $2,400 and going are you fucking kidding me? Like at 930, no, I was clean then. I was clean, spotless clean. But I got to, I still remember going, just going to Celine's after the

comedy store when I had ten o'clock at night and trying to like it no money and Celine going Joey go over there you got a check on the mail no you got something in the mail and I went over there was a letter that was already open and it was that dude that became a comedian they took all his movies away. He used to have a reality show on Fox, and I did the episode four, I played a pizza guy. Yes, Jamie Kennedy experiment. I did episode four or five or some stupid shit.

That must have been a while ago, I remember that show. No, that was 2001 or two. Jesus. The show was a hit. Right. But they couldn't shoot the episodes fast enough, so they kept re-showing mine. Nice.

And I'll never forget it, 10 o'clock at night, I'm like, man, the night's done, and it looks like I'm going home, but Celine's like, go over there, there's something over there for you, and it came open. I remember going in there, it was two checks for $650 a day's pay, and I ran to the fucking check cash-in-place on my old house in Hollywood.

I basically ran up there, because I thought they closed. They were open 24 hours, I was pissed. They get one? Yeah, because I had to catch the Coke dealer. He closed at one, so I ran over there. But I got my checks cashed. But that's great, even now, my residual checks, like when I look at, my wife doesn't deposit one anymore.

She waits till I get 10 of them. And she deposits all 10 of them at once. And I wish I could read you guys the amounts I get. You would die. It starts like at one penny, three pennies, 18 cents, $92. Then it goes back to 421, 518, $320, 28 cents, 22 cents. 518, $320, 28 cents, 22 cents.

Like so if 10 checks come, two of them will be worth catching. There's three of them that my wife will sit there and look at and go, why would they send you a check for this fucking amount? I was just gonna add, like the stamp makes it not even worth it. Why not just direct deposit in your account? I'm at a point in my life where I get them every fucking day.

Yeah. I get them every day for a show I did 30 fucking years ago. Now they air it in Japan and they send me like, that's those are the good ones. When you get the white envelope with the red paperwork, that's when you're like, Oh shit. What's the red paperwork? The red paperwork. Oh, same. That's when you're like, oh shit. What's the red paperwork? The red paperwork is international as shit.

Ffff, gray poopon and shit. Do they pay you even though you're not talking? Like do they dub over you? Yeah, they dub over you, but they show you. They still pay you? Those checks are 21 cents. When I open those up, I'm like, what, bitches? You open them up, 21, your dad like, yeah.

I'm not lying to you, I must have gotten nine checks, my wife deposited them one day last week. Because I just put them on the thing when I get them. And then I go to sag.org, you go to sagafter.org and they'll tell you what's coming, the date it's coming, and what's in process. So, when I had nothing, I lived on that website. Just hitting refresh all day.

Every Sunday at six o'clock, they refreshed it. Okay, so they would start on Sunday at six o'clock, and it would tell you when your checks were gonna be there, when they were gonna get mailed out. So on those days, I already had that money spent. George, I'm coming over at one to pick up an eighth. Doug, let's go get some Chinese at one. All right, then we'll go to, what's his name?

He's got an eighth of weed, and then we'll go to Ricky Cruz, pick him up and get high. Did you have it on your calendar? Like, check for $5. You don't put nothing in your calendar. It's all in the coconut. It's all there?

But in those days, the checks were heavy. Those checks were like 333, 682, because it was the top of the tier, it was 20 years ago. So I'd be just parked out there like a child. And when he would come, I'd be like, oh shit. And when I went in there, if that check wasn't there for some reason, there was one check that didn't come for fucking, like a week, I was pissed.

I was on the phone with Sag every day. And because of that, till this day, I still have the number you call when you're missing a check. I never got rid of that number. That number's been in this phone since 2002 because I lost a check for like 500. I had like nine checks sent to me. That's the funny thing about

that. That week was my biggest payoff ever at that time. I had like nine checks sent to me. All the checks were over 50 bucks, but the one I was waiting for was that. In my world, I got every check except the $500 one and I had to wait 30 days to file a fucking complaint. Oh no. And then once you file the complaint, it takes another 120 days to process. So kiss that check goodbye. But what a lot of people don't know,

and I'm gonna drop it on you right now, if you're living, especially if you live in Hollywood, because those motherfuckers are treacherous. Once a year, I would drive down to SAG after them, SAG. I would go to SAG first, go upstairs and say, can I please get the box of checks that got returned? Oh my God. Oh my God.

It was your checks that never got sent to you or delivered? They got sent to my fucking address. But for some reason, they didn't deliver them. No, he don't live here no more shit like that with the when they put the arrow backwards on your shit Yeah, and I would go what the fuck I lived there And then they would have him like an address in like Jersey Like they went online for an ad and they come up with like why would you send this to Fairview, New Jersey? That's the address we had. No you didn't.

I live in LA, why would I put fucking a North Bergen address? Like that's what they would do to me. So you go down there and come home with like 800. What? But you had to wait once a year. Like you had to like, you know, cause if you went every other week you looked like a fucking pauper.

But the after department always fucked up your checks. And this is what pissed me off about those motherfuckers. What'd they do? They always got the address to bill you, correct. Not a poop. All their bills always come back without the hand. Everything else came back. They're another motherfucker.

They dig through a computer and look for your old addresses and send them there on purpose. So because after 90 days, the check is null and void. You think it's a scam? Dude, I wouldn't be surprised. Who do you think you're dealing with, Joy Bananas? I finally had to figure out when you're broke, you figure that type of shit out.

You're like, how come they didn't lose any other check but my big one for 120 fucking days? Maybe the production company, who the fuck is it? But the production company has to send a check to SAG. SAG recuts the check and sends it to you. Are you serious? Yeah. Very seldom do you get a check on the production.

Every once in a while. Those are the mistakes I would get. Checks from production companies that would send them to you. And Doug, when you're broke, you know all the protocols. So when you do a commercial, you got a check within 30 days. They suck dick. But if you do a TV or a film, you should be getting your money in 10 days. So now you signed the paperwork and you gave the control of your agency to take that check. Well guess what

they're gonna do? They're gonna deposit it and tell you they never got dick. I would have the producers on the other line, and go listen, before you say what you're gonna say, I want you to think about what you're gonna say. You better think about what you're gonna say. I got, what's your name? Liam, Liam, I got Liam from Partners, whatever, that's a new, they just came to New Jersey.

Entertainment Partners. Liam, tell my manager when he sent the check you know June 1st it's June it's July fucking 1st why don't I have my check well we never got it with Liam did they get it they got you should see how many people I caught in that they sent it and I would then I thought that they were sending the checks after three days like if you shot and you caught the fucking pay period right? Like if you shut on a Tuesday You got a check on Friday your agent would sit for a month and a half listen I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you an extra 2% just man with a check when I get it cuz I'm over your star

2% yeah, whatever. Why are you a lot of of percent what they're gonna make on $600 Yeah, that's six dollars check that scale yeah, but what about if you think they're doing this with you Well, I was just saying about the hello And you have 200 fucking clients. What about the people who are on like, you know, friendly those shows They're on for 10 20 years if you're getting these kind of checks, they must be getting 50 checks a day. Like those people who are on movies or shows forever. Yes. Holy shit.

It's a fucking scam. It's a fucking scam, yeah. That's right. There was a part 15 years ago where I went to this agency and one day I would sit outside every fucking Sunday. Six o'clock I don't give a fuck what's going on. You got a computer? Yeah. Okay. 6.01 I'm on SAG. I would see like 20 checks came. So I call SAG and I'm like

hey you know my ID number, date of birth birth whatever the fuck you need address You sent those checks to me, but I haven't gotten one of them. They're like hold on and they were like no We sent them to your agent and I go why would you do that and They go because they have a release I Ran to that agent. I go dog. Where's my money and they're like What money they go? Let's go to the computer this money and they're like, Doug, where's my money? And they're like, what money? And I go, let's go to the computer, this money. And they're like, oh yeah, yeah, we take that. And we take 10%, and I go, you didn't book that.

Oh no. You didn't book that. I'll take you to fucking court right now. You better undo that. Well, you signed the agreement. I don't give a fuck what I signed. How can you take commission on a job? You never fucking booked. How did they even get a check for something they didn't book? That's crazy.

They took that thing when I signed on with them. Whatever I was signing, they took and sent it to fucking SAG. Jesus. And I called my lawyer and he goes, no, no, no, no, they put that in after the paper. Because I always wanted that shit by my lawyer at the time. Always. You know, the guy from Goonies, fucking Ralphie's lawyer. Oh, they added someone to your contract after you signed it? They would send that paperwork in. They would forge it. Look, these motherfuckers, you got to watch your paper.

Like a motherfucker. People think it's just, ah, ah, ah, ah. And you see Jay-Z jumping up and down in Paris. Even that guy's gotta watch his money. Yeah, I don't care what level of entertainment you are, or whatever, you have to watch your fucking paper constantly. And that's so sad for a guy like me

who's hoping one day to have an agent, is that like, there's people, like there's a scam. Look, every fucking year, three agents, three agents and two managers go to jail. Every fucking year, if you look closely, we know somebody who threw his manager in fucking jail, Nick Titoro. Damn. That motherfucker was taking everything.

Everything, because they become your personal managers and they're like, okay, I'll everything and you're like, oh, yeah The spotlight is great. And meanwhile, they're eating lobster tails and Yeah, like are you talking about like paying their regular bills? I don't understand that at all. How hard is it? You are so fucking tied up as an entertain There's a lot of people who are in comedy or acting or music that listen to this. There's a level that you get to, it's $60,000 a year. People are going to try to rob you at every, you know, it's like I feel bad for like,

what about the guy caught that was my apple guy? Oh yeah? Remember with the missing hand? This motherfucker, no wonder you had a missing hand. Somebody cut it off from stealing. We had to take him to court. For what he settled for, it was like. He was just...

But I could feel it because when we didn't have the podcast, the numbers were great. And all of a sudden, the podcast booming, everything's selling, except my CDs. Are you fucking stupid? And we kept asking him, oh, no, no. selling except my CDs. Are you fucking stupid? And we kept asking them, oh no, no, sales have been down. I do Rogan, I remember those days. That first album I did live at fucking the three aces.

Yeah, three clubs. You remember that? I remember, nobody even fucking talked to me about that. I had done the longest show, and this dude talked me into doing a CD for his company. I put that thing on Apple, I think I sold three of them in five years, I swear to God. One night I'm having dinner in Vegas,

and my text goes off, and it's that guy, and he goes, I'm sending you a check for $1,900. And I fucking got up and called him, I go, what are you talking about? And the check's always $9, 850, And I fucking got up and called him. I go, what are you talking about? And the checks are always $9, 8.50. And he goes, I don't know. You did something and all your CDs sold out or something. I'd gone on Rogan.

Every time you're only on those shows in those days, they bought everything. And he kept, so after that I went on Rogan 25,000 times. And he's telling me, oh, he just sold three CDs. So I signed with that dude and I said, look into that. This motherfucker came by, he goes, dog, this motherfucker. No wonder he's got a missing hand. That's crazy.

And I could tell because he started dating a young girl. And when I met him, he had like a shitty car. And when I met him the second time, he had a convertible Audi. Don't go like a shitty car and when I met him the second time he had a convertible Audi. Don't go from a shitty car to an Audi. Yeah, you don't go from a shitty car to a convertible Audi. So I knew something was not right. And then the chick broke his heart and he went deep.

He had to go to psychotherapy and sell the car, reminded him of her and shit. I wish I was lying to you guys, it was not good. Was he stealing the money to pay for stuff for the girl? I think he was just stealing the money to impress the girl. And you're gonna get, bro, you're gonna get that a lot. I was with an agency once that, he didn't rob me,

but there was an agent that seemed very nice, and one day they took him out of there with handcuffs. He was, bro, there's a thousand ways to rob a client. And what do you think? Do you think it's just so easy for them? That they're like, they're never going to notice. It's just too much temptation. You sign with the manager. Right. And the guy sells you on. We take care of everything.

OK. We get your plane tickets, hotels, rental cars. You give me a card. Three years, nothing ever happens. Then one day they get an assistant. You know? Now he's got access to your cards. Now you're seeing bowling, $89. You haven't bowled since high school.

You know what I'm saying? Like shit like that. That's how it starts. And if they get away with bowling once or twice, then they'll take it for dinner. And then they'll take it for another dinner. And then next thing you know, you're financing plane tickets to Alaska.

It's never happened to me. But it's happened to three or four comics, I know. Is that because you have your wife like to help you in a lot of ways that a lot of maybe some other comics don't? No, that taught me that I would book my own plane tickets even the plane tickets even today I still look at my own plane tickets and book Even today I do all that shit

And obviously not I don't have the heart to go Lee do me a favor get me a plane and then you have to call me back and go well There's a 730 a 930 and 1130 all right what time do we get back Sunday and then you call me back well the 730 is not a vet I can't do that to the human being that's right that's just stupidity and is it really just stupidity I can't do that go back and forth the fucking stupid fucking place it takes longer it takes a lot longer and like I got it it takes too much of my time that's what people say to me. I mean ever got in the system because by the time I taught you the method You're gonna have a fucking heart attack

Because there's no method. It's just hustling It's just get on the computer do this you're looking at dates You got to check the hotel to see if they got a midnight room service That's the first thing I look at Shit, you gotta have something for me to eat. How many times you go back to a hotel, you're starving. They got potato chips. They know everything.

Even nice hotels have nothing there. Forget it, I wanna see the menu. I wanna see the late night menu. It's always gonna have a stupid fucking cheeseburger. You know that. They're always gonna have a warm chocolate chip cookie, which I don't know why I would just get one cookie. Tell me I got a bag of chips ahoy for the small 20.

Bring it up. Bring it up. You know what I'm saying? Wait till somebody opens up one of those hotels that you fucking pick your own midnight menu, like a prison menu. You send them at 11. You look at your remote, what's coming on?

The Twilight Zone, fucking Eyes Wide Shut. I'm up till four, fucking, okay, let me get a salami sandwich with baloney and fucking American cheese, lettuce, mustard. Put the mayonnaise under the fucking whatever, because I want the mustard on the salami. And you sit there like Norton, eating fucking that. I just, and you know what guys? I swear to my mercy, none of the ten times I don't eat

But I just want to know If I can't sleep and I roll a joint and I go downstairs at 2 in the morning When I go down to smoke that joint, I'm thinking about that. I already looked at the menu I already know what I'm gonna order. This is just kicking up those taste buds a little bit. You know, sir Dude, I know I mean you haven't been on the road that much in the last year or so, but I've been out and like not in shitty hotels. Even if they have restaurants, they're not usually open all night.

There's almost nothing. That's what I'm fucking saying to you. That's why I'd rather pick a hotel that has a late night. Right, no, I got it. What am I talking to my fucking selfie? No, I'm saying, I know that's what you want, but I don't know how many of them you're gonna find. Plus, and where we're talking.

It's a W, Four Seasons, maybe a Marriott. But you gotta look at the fine print with the other hotels because they'll throw curve balls at you. What do they do? It's like frozen pizza and shit like that. We have pizza, we have burritos. You're like, oh, then you get there. But let me tell you something.

If there's anything I miss from LA it's a lot of food But I could go for two of those frozen burritos from the bodega to those beaten cheese motherfuckers later You mean 7-eleven? What are you talking about? Not 7-eleven like one of those Mexican places they had those little frozen burritos I didn't know they had those Fuck yeah, even the fucking fruit like the little yeah Yeah, a little meat a little fucking I would never do the pork. I ain't gonna lie to you, but It's it's so crazy how

As a comic as an entertainer you think wow once I get up there my life's gonna ease up. Fuck you You got to work harder. You got to keep your eyes more open Fuck you! You gotta work harder, you gotta keep your eyes more open, you gotta watch more shit, and that's where the mental stress comes from. It's not just writing jokes anymore. Right. You know, when that agent calls you and says,

hey, how you doing? Good. Listen, I got a great date for you. July 24th, 25th, and 26th, and you're like, okay, and you take it, and you get there, and it's like, okay and you take it and you get there and it's like Man, you should have been here last weekend. Hmm people everywhere. This is black biker and midget parade weekend No one comes out I come here and then you don't know so you don't even go hold on one second

Let me see if they have a direct flight, right? You don't know you say yeah ready they even go, hold on one second, let me see if they have a direct flight. You don't know, you say yeah already, they sign the thing, and all of a sudden you're like, direct flight, you gotta fly to Mongolia, and then back to fucking Newark, and then up to Canada. You know, you don't know these things. You get burnt like four or five times,

like I'm not saying yes ever, I'll call you back in five minutes. I'm at a computer, I'm checking the hotels, I'm checking the late night menu, I'm checking the fucking Ubers. You have to check everything because then they'll get you a, okay, and then you get there,

that's an hour from the hotel. They're only paying you 500 bucks, right? It just costs you 75 each way. That's 150 out of $500. You don't know this shit. So there comes a time you have to check everything. You learn. And then one day you make a checklist.

Fuck it. I'll call you back in 10 minutes. Why? Because I gotta cover my bases too. I gotta check to see if it's a midget funeral or some shit before I go there this weekend. Because if not, that's what they say. Keep saying that shit to you.

Ah, last week the helicopters were dropping people off. There was people everywhere coming to the shows. Meanwhile, you have 10 people at your show or something. Yeah, you got eight people, and one of them's a half a million. Yeah, and because you were talking about managers doing it for you. And I know you were busy,

and I know there's people who are very busy, but do you really think that someone, you're that busy that you can't book a flight? Like I that doesn't make sense to me like that I couldn't in the back of an uber and I know it's like I can't but I don't want to but That doesn't make my control free for doing that or do I just want to know what I'm walking into You don't know what I'm walking into what if all this shit if we go back and forth for two hours? I Get up. I go to Newark and you're like no

It was LaGuardia right? Yeah, do you follow all this shit? That's why I don't like you want to do business. You call me you want me you want to show me your titties text me Okay, you want to say good morning? Text me anything business wise jump on the fucking call. So there's no misunderstandings. Get on the fucking call. Get on the call. But then do you ever worry people are gonna like

say that you said something that you didn't or they're gonna say they didn't say something? Write it down. You have to take notes when you talk to these people. Do I have a hotel? No, confirmed, okay. How far from the airport to the thing? Oh, it's about two hours.

Is somebody gonna pick me up? No, don't even ask. Just assume. What time is the club manager gonna pick me up? Oh, we don't do that. No, oh shit, you don't? Okay, I gotta text out, and you don't, because you want the gig.

But then they'll keep doing that to you, and then the word gets out, and now you're a half a fag. Now you're driving from airport to airport. So these are things I learned, and I didn't care, because I did comedy for nine years, but after nine years I got into the comedy store. Once I got into the comedy store, listen, here's the deal.

I'll take the cheap payment, but you gotta take a little fucking care of me. I'm not up here playing a fucking violin or an harmonica or putting a fucking wig on. I'm one of the Marines. I may not be a big time today but I'm gonna be somebody so you want to take care of me today. And that's what you have to tell these people. If not you could sit at home and do the comedy cellar. Right. Or stand or Gotham or whatever your home is. Once you're confident, you're like,

what am I losing on these idiots for? Was it hard to make the jump from doing comedy and then making it a business, to change that mindset? No, because how many times can you get fucked in the ass? A lot. You ever been jealous. Yes. Okay. How old were you when you were jealous? Yeah Constantly still till today. Yeah As a Spanish kid when I was like in the sixth or seventh grade I

Used to get so jealous. I like curtains on fire and stupid shit like that. Okay, I never lit anything on fire. And then I got that Cuban machismo to me. And I knew that wouldn't work in the real world. Like I just knew it. So I had to lose those type of emotions for me to move forward as a man. With comedy, you never really know. You never really know You never really know But then again, I've always been a savage

I became a super savage when I got off the cocaine and I started looking at life at what the fuck are we doing? What is the most important thing at my age? What is the is it doing this? Is it doing that? No, it's trying to become a person trying to get some money. Everybody has money in the bank at 45 I had no money in the bank I had $21 one day and be at 112 the next then I jump it up again to 3850 because I have to deposit my Sag checks in there and then one day wife, it was about five years in, my wife asked me to look at my schedule. And she goes, let me see your schedule.

And she goes, why are you doing that gig? That one, that one. And she goes, I want you to cancel that, that, that, that, that. You're just killing yourself to live. It's not worth it. You have the comedy store. You always have the comedy store.

You're doing these gigs, some of them you make money, but you're losing money. Right. Between the gas, your time, the drive, the tolls, you're losing money. And then I just applied it to everything, movies, TV, life. It's a fucking discipline in a way where you,

what's the most important thing to you? To me at the time was becoming a great comic. So when you asked me to go to do something stupid, I don't have time for that. You mean stupid like people or comedically? Wasting my time compared to what I could be doing at night. My daytime, I don't give a fuck what, I'll do whatever you want in the daytime,

but it fits between me getting on stage or me going to something that you and your friends are going to, to waste time, even though you're a comic. And then I'm just waiting for you to come to me one day and go man my career But you had the time to go to a Yankee game and jump up and down three nights in a row for the World Series Who gives a fuck you could have watched it at home and done your spots these guys were there that night Watching the crowd now. They're, you know what I'm saying? I'm just saying the Yankees, I mean anything.

No, I totally get it. Movies, anything. Like that was, like it becomes a business. You know, I see these comics that think that they're gonna go on stage and say something so disgusting or so off color, they're gonna piss the audience off and walk out. Okay, again, what's that expression?

You won the war but you lost the battle? Other way around. You won the battle but you lost the war? Right. That's what you just did. This is a business, so why am I going up there and trying to piss my audience off? Right, it's crazy when people do that.

Okay, so there's all these things that you start looking at things and going, I'm getting too old for this dumb shit. Hold on, let me cut my beard off and leave side chops and cut an eyebrow off. You could just be funny and write a joke. Right. So after a while you just learn how to trim the fat off. And then you trim it off for life.

And that's when it gets fucking really fun That's when it gets really fun. Why because Two nights ago, I was talking to George And I swear to my mother's grave on the way home. I go I did the show on the 27th and Today's the 29th. I'm 62 years old and I'm like, the rent is due. 62.

I don't even pay rent. I pay state taxes. But in my mind, in my fucking mentality, it's Saturday night, the renters do. I swear to God, it was between me watching the UFC. That's how my mentality is. Like I was like, I got time to watch this shit. But I'm like, yeah, I got paid last night. Do you know what I'm saying?

But in my mind today, I'm like, tomorrow the renters do. Chop chop, motherfucker, cause Friday's the fourth. And what do you, that means it's a double banger. It's like Christmas and New Year's, you ain't got time. You ain't got time to bleed, bitch. Do you know what I'm saying? I mean, that's the truth. And George is talking to me about something like,

renter's due on Tuesday, George, right? And the conversation ended. That's it. That's all we need to talk about right now. The rent is due. You got the Yankees or not? You got the Red Sox, you got the Ova, because everything else is nonsense.

Everything else is nonsense. But I'm not saying I disagree with you, but when you say that to people, I know people will say to you, yeah, but you gotta live life, you gotta go to a game. Yeah, good, good. Let me know.

Let me know when you're playing your minimum payment on your credit card and you could've been doing something. Because there's nothing worse. I'm dealing with somebody right now who had a huge opportunity to do a ton of things. And he's crying now. He's crying a lot because he wasted time and there's nothing like wasting fucking time, okay? There's nothing and there's nothing worse than being my age and going, fuck, I should have took that job in 92. Right now I'm starving because I didn't take that job in 92.

I made a mistake 30 years ago that I'm suffering for right now. And we all think we're cute. Yeah, I got a couple thousand in the bank. I'm going to take a couple days off, buy some drinks, get a hat, make believe I'm somebody I'm fucking not. And you come back and what happens? Your car explodes. Your fucking car explodes.

Or you lose the job. That goes, and you lost your job because you can't get there unless you got a fucking Chinese guy that you're gonna whip in a rickshaw. Do you know what I'm saying? So now you're like, ah, that shit, bro, I still think of shit. I still, that's why I take these fucking gigs.

Because I don't wanna be 65 and Mercy can't have a bicycle. And I'm like, fuck, they offered me Atlantic City, but I had an ego. There ain't no ego when you got a kid. Right. There ain't no ego! You'd have to fuck up pretty bad for Mercy not to be able to get a bike.

How many times you go to a strip club and have those women as a fucking moms? They got a stretch mark, they got a half a titty, the drug dealer father stabbed them. They're there selling that ass. Do you think that's what they want to do? No, they grew up in 18. I'm going, I don't want to go to college. I want to be a stripper and have some chubby guy named Joey stabbed me in the ass, you know, suck dick. No, but they had a kid,

they made a mistake and now they got to make two mistakes. Got it. You already fucked up with the kid. You let some guy ratio Yeah, and now he's nowhere to be found this little fuck. You know I'm saying he went back to Saudi Arabia Whatever the fuck Horatio's from Saudi Arabia. I took them. I don't fucking know What your luck ice will take you back, you know, you fall in love Everything is great. You're at Hudson County Park to eat corn. I used to sell it to you and shit over there. Dude, you have a whole life invented for this couple. That's ice selling corn over at Hudson County right now.

I drove by, they got a little net. They're hidgin'. The last time I was hidin' there, it was when Bernard King was playing basketball at the courts. You could see him, they even have a sign now that says come get the corn. That means that Ice is by that corn machine

waiting like a motherfucker. They're in that fucking jungle, that little lake over there like Rambo in part two when he came out of the mud and he stabbed the Russian in the neck. Ice is hiding in the mud? Dog, you wanna make a bonus, that's all you gotta do is call Ice

and go to Hudson County Park on Sunday. They're all up there playing soccer. Just bring the big bus. Bring the big bus and shit. No, they don't play no more bocce. They took the court down. No, it's over. They don't play bocce no more.

It was on Bergenland. They took it off. Yeah, fucking 15 years ago, where you been? Across the street from Jan Michael Vincent, from Vincent Bicycles, get it together George, come on. We're here today, we're live. It's fucking, wherever the fuck we are. But yeah, that's it, they're hiding in Hudson County.

I saw them today. They're in the trees. That's crazy. They got the Subarus down on the edge waters. Why were you hiding in the park? Huh. Why were you hiding in the park? Huh? Why were you hiding in the park? Different purposes.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. I can't believe you're driving around just like, reminiscing about, oh I was hiding in that park. I don't wanna go to jail, but I've been driving around looking for ice. I see where they're gonna be this week.

They're gonna be down by me, so I went for a little ride today looking for them once in my favorite testing ice. I'm not texting them No testing. I'm just I want to see them in action. I want to see how they do it What have they pulled you over? I got a beard and a funny disguise and a driver's license. I said fucking Chad Johnson Chad all show see it they oh My god, that's crazy. But you know what, man, we haven't discussed what we experienced Thursday and Friday nights. We had a nice

Listen man, I didn't have the set I wanted to have but everything else Was so fucking great. Our families met. We had eight different families there, 22 different generations We had eight different families there, 22 different generations. You know, it was just, I would have had food if I would have known. I would have had nice catered afterwards, some ziti. Next time, now we know.

What a fucking great theater. You did really greatly. Well, thank, I appreciate that. I didn't feel like I had the set, cause like, let's back up for people who don't know. You did Prudential, well Thursday we always have a great time at the dojo. No, we did, and J-Pack, we did the dojo Thursday as a

warm up, a warm up, which is always, it's a great little room, you know, everybody has a good time, he puts out food, you know, I forget what his name is, it always blasts. Mike at the dojo. Mike Dojo, that's his name is, it always blasts. Mike at the Dojo. Mike Dojo is the fuck, that's his name on my phone. Mike Dojo, so. But Friday is what we were talking about.

We did Prudential Hall at NJ Pack, which. Well hold on, hold on. I'm sorry. Thursdays are something special over there. Oh dude, it was an amazing show. They're telling something very nice over there. It's gonna be hot in the summer, you know, I hot in the summer.

I'm getting the surgery. For you guys who keep saying, why does Joey have a bandaid? Every week I get three people. Why do you have a bandaid? Because it doesn't fit on my asshole. How's that? I got an extra bandaid.

No, because I got a fucking thing in my ear. So tomorrow, July 1st, they're gonna rip it out, shoot Botox in my ear, to kill the hair underneath that's all infected. Then they're gonna fuckin' take skin off my leg. No, they're gonna stitch it. So this side's gonna be a little pulled up. So this side's been fucked up.

Now they're gonna, this side's gonna be like, I'm thinking about suicide, but I haven't written the letter yet, need I'm saying like. The early stages. So that's fucking tomorrow, for you people who are concerned about Uncle Joey and his aging little heart. My heart's fucking great shape,

even Whoop has been sending me messages that my resting heartbeat is going down that my cardio Vascular is off the system. It is I'll tell you guys later. I can't brag here cuz Okay, karate chop me a shit. That's awesome And then next Thursday They're gonna yank out this tooth this tooth and this tooth and this cocaine thing So this is gonna be out of commission for the whole weekend of the 11th. That's why I'm going to see Theo on the 9th in Philadelphia, because that's my last rah-rah

night. Then Thursday, there's a Jiu-Jitsu guys coming in to do a seminar. So at first, I thought it was Thursday the 10th, but it works out it's July the 11th. So they're gonna rip this two thousand D's and they're gonna put a set of braces like a jelly roll for like a month. And then in September, they're gonna put this roll in, and then in like November, they're gonna put this roll in a teeth, and by December, I could eat fucking spare ribs.

You know what I'm saying? Congratulations. Smile. Are you looking forward to it? Oh yeah, I've been counting the days. I can't wait till they shoot needles in my mouth and fucking stitches and fucking blood. And the guy's yanking,

because this is a 62 year old mola. This ain't coming out with like a little ding ding ding ding ding. No. This is like the guy who wears a helmet and he's got like a toe truck and they put it on there and they gotta keep numbing it. Pull!

And it's like fucking pull. Like what's that, what's those two fags in the movie about social media? Facebook? Remember they wrote a little bite that whatever twins, the bobsy twins pull. Oh geez, the bobsy twins. Pull, pull, that's me.

So that's that pull, he's a little Russian guy. He's like five foot two. He's gonna have a hell of a day and I'm gonna put the seatbelt on the fuck with him. He's gonna have his foot on my neck. I cannot do this yet, keep pushing Bruno. Keep pushing Boris. Oh my God.

So that's July 11th. So I got a softball tournament that week and I don't even think I'm going down. I'm just gonna wrestle like a fucking thing on my head. And then I'm just gonna recuperate for a few weeks and then we come back in August like herpes. Bam, it'll be nice and hot. We'll do a couple pop-up shows

and then we're ready for fucking Philly the 27th and then we pop on on a fucking flight. I talk to some people. I'm talking to some people, you know what I'm saying? They're gonna take us right to Fort Lauderdale, drop us off in a helicopter. No way. We're gonna get dropped off in parachutes.

Am I gonna have the Israeli flag in my parachute? He's getting six parachutes, one of them is not gonna open. We already know that. You can't kill a Jew in this climate. You know what I'm saying? It's gotta be something like an Argentinian. We gotta bring somebody else for this. Why does someone have to die?

Because, why make it fun? It like Randy Rhodes you know I'm saying somebody died now we had to do the comedy show depressed no no it's just I'm just fucking with you guys I know I don't know the exact dates for the other gigs I know it's sometime in November we have two shows in one month, it's like Virginia and Maryland. It's like, I know it's, I don't know, Harris maybe. Why am I lying to poor people? They're sitting there taking notes, going, what are you traveling to?

I have no idea. Right now I got Philadelphia and Fort Lauderdale. That is it, Jack. And I'm happy about that. It keeps me tuned up. Listen man, I'm trying my fucking hardest, and it's so weird how after the show, like on the way home, all the material I forgot,

just miraculously started blowing out of my ass. Like, you know, it's such a fucking mind fuck. And you and I were talking about this morning how I was doing great for like 22 minutes, and I was still stepping on my lines. I'm like, God damn it, why am I fucking doing this? This line belongs to this joke. I was rushing, I didn't know what I was doing,

and you know what, but I still had a great time. I felt the heart from those people, and I tried to give it back. Listen, that's all you could do is a stand up comment. So you skipped till like the end We didn't talk at all. It was a great fucking dude. First of all Prudential Hall was Beautiful and like the whole like it's a potential or NJ pack at the NJ pack is like the group and There's rooms within the NJ pack and the room we were in was called Prudential Hall

It was a 28 and eight 2860 something 20. I mean I didn't expect to see all those people. I ain't gonna lie to you dude. I mean those tiers of people going up and up. I didn't even see that. I hope nobody jumps off this motherfucker. Yeah there was four tiers. That's a lot of fucking seats and I'm poor. Listen I'm fortunate it was four T's. That's a lot of fucking seats. And I'm fortunate, listen, I'm fortunate, it was in my backyard. There was a lot of New Jersey support in there that night. A lot of love from Jersey people. And I fucking thank them with all my heart, you know?

My daughter got to watch it. That picture you sent me, that's a great picture. Of her watching it? Yeah, her like enthused, watching it. I looked at it and I'm like, Jesus Christ. Dude, I can't tell you, A, knowing you for so long, knowing her since she was a kid, like how cool it was just to,

and Terry being there too, but just like to know what you've done with Mercy, and likes to, cause she's come to a few shows, and she always has a lot of fun. And so like- Oh yeah, oh yeah, she always. I like, when she came on stage I grabbed her, I was like, you can stand right here.

And she just loved it. When I was a kid, my mom had that bar. And when I first got to McKinley, you know, I was like one of the only Cuban kids. And on Fridays we were supposed to do the ecology club. Okay. After school we were supposed to go to the ecology ecology club and the other half would have to go to George the place in Union City that you wanted me to play across from the four

star dinner but what's the Catholic school that's back there that's a Catholic something back there there was a church I think they had Larry McNeil's father there. But behind there, there was a catechism. So either you gotta go to that or... Ecology class. What were we talking about? Oh, so on Fridays, I would go to my mother's bar at the catechism, and I would always bring three kids.

And my mother would always go, let them sit at the bar and give them a Coke with a cherry in it. I still talk to two of those kids today and every time at the end of the conversation they're like, dog, I still remember going up to your mother's bar and sit at the bar with grown people and feel like an adult for fucking 10 minutes.

I remember walking out of there and going home, Dean Laprete told me he went home, he used to go home and beat up his brother because he was just out of fucking principle. I would go home and light him up because I felt like a man. And that's the same thing, you give them that little window

of them feeling like an adult. Not even an adult, she knows she's a young woman, she knows it. They give her that feeling just for two or three hours then we take it back from her but she remembers that she's like oh I was out people were drinking I smell reefer you know she's not fucking stupid and I don't want to be raised I wanted to know what this shit is right and I there is a part of that, but I also think, like she was just so proud of you. She just liked seeing you do your shit.

She liked, who was it? Yeah, she feels like an adult, but I think she's also like, you know. She's my daughter, so I didn't wanna hide anything from her. Listen, you don't wanna hide shit from your fucking kids. Cause you're gonna pay for it later on, and they're gonna come at you and go, why didn't you ever tell me? And okay, you don't want to hide shit from your fucking kids. Because you're going to pay for it later on. And they're going to come at you and go, why don't you ever tell me?

And okay, you don't lose the relationship. But somewhere along the line, they're like, why won't you tell me about something like that? Were you scared? Were you ashamed? Were you... So I wanted to know the truth. The truth and nothing but the truth. When she told me she was talking to her girlfriend on the phone,

and she whipped out my book, and read the first paragraph The truth and nothing but the truth when she told me she was talking to her girlfriend on the phone And she whipped out my book and read the first Paragraph to her little 12 year old friend and they both started fucking crying. They had to close the book up That's I don't mind I don't mind she knows she's so retarded though when we got home that night she goes She said something to my wife. We're eating the muffins. And she said to my wife, when I get older, I'm not going to drink cocaine. And then my wife said, what? What?

Just out of nowhere? That's fantastic. She's like, yeah, when I get older, I'm never going to drink cocaine. And we're like, OK, then. Drink cocaine, you know what I'm saying? What do you say to that? They took something from it. From what?

They just, I'm gonna tell you the creepiest story, guys. I never told none of you motherfuckers. I went to PS 166, but around the corner, when I was growing up was a PAL went on 88 Street with an answer damn and you signed up and some of them thought you got a box you shot pool they thought you had a smoke cigarettes didn't matter view five is six but one of the earliest things they did was they took us to a trip to the police station this is when they cared us to a trip to the police station.

This is when they cared about the kids in the precinct. And what they did was, was they showed you what a cop did so as you got older, you were their friend. Why don't they do that today? To save fucking $10? Do they not do that anymore? No, why would they bring a kid to a police station and show them what happens when you go to jail and let them get fingerprints

Yeah, put them in the fucking holding tank give them a holding lunch with the old salami I didn't get a little bit six or seven and then let them ask stupid fucking questions You don't want to scare them straight, but we were so young and the world was different. They let you shoot a 22 No, these are not into a Target, and you took the Target home with you. Doug, I'm gonna forget this shit. They also gave you like a Junior G-Man badge, but they also did a thing about drugs.

At the time, I knew my godfather smoked weed. And they're like, if you know anybody who smokes pot, turn them in, and I'm like, I'm fucking turning my godfather, you fucking kidding me? So I went home and I'm like, I'm fucking turning my god for you fucking Give it so I went home with my mom. I showed my mom the fingerprints and she goes what they teach it Like I talked about drugs and pot She would you say they go no, no, no, I just and like two days later

That bitch showed up with a fucking baggage And she had coke she had weed she had pills and a little bit of brown heroin and she goes this is what they look like if you want to know just so you know just so nobody else could tell you otherwise this is what it looks like if you have any questions ask them now and I was like no and she took them away and that was it but I ain't looked at because I was gonna be in a bar all the time with her. She owned the bar. So she didn't want you sitting there fucking like a goofball

because you hear things, unless you're deaf as a child. You hear things, you know little things. You get older, they talk without the door being closed. They do certain things, and now you hear things, and now you can't explain them in your head. Especially with the internet these days, you can't really hide anything from kids. No, and you've gotta, listen,

when that little girl told me that she knew about my other daughter, when she told my wife, my wife fucking ran upstairs and called me right away. And she's like, she said she's known for three or four years, five years. I never said nothing. Did she just save it for like the right moment?

That's even the creepiest thing I've ever heard in my life. That's fantastic. And I asked her, she said, I heard you on the phone one time. And I went online and looked it up and there she was And I've been to places where people pop up the picture and I'll go is that mercy and I just look at them I'm going no no That's a little girl. I bumped into 20 years ago

And she would sit there and see that picture for her not to say nothing So she knows and I wanted her to know Why are you hiding this shit from your kids for I can't tell everything like I'm not gonna show a fucking build though She's 12. I mean on the way home. I asked if she wanna go to strip club Yeah, I've asked her both nights you want to listen I know the bartender I'll give it 50 bucks You know what, the show? Yeah, I've asked her both nights. She wanted, oh listen, I know the bar tonight, I'll give her 50 bucks, just go in there,

look around, look at the women, and decide right now what you wanna do with your life. And she was like, dad, I already know what they do at a strip club. That's what kids remember. They're not gonna remember all the other shit. They remember shit like that. When they're at a bar and their stupid friends like,

my dad once smoked a vapor, listen. You know what I'm saying? Let me tell you about this motherfucker I lived with. You know, and that's where they, you know, talk their shit. Yeah. Nobody wants a dad that's a fag. You know what I'm saying? Nobody wants a dad that's a fag.

What'd your dad do? He played with Legos? Yeah. You know, he was a dad Nobody wants a dad that's a fag. What'd your dad do? He played with Legos? Yeah, you know, he was a dad. Did he ever bang mom? Did you ever see your mom come out of the bedroom with a wig all turned? Shut up. I told Mercy like two years ago,

Mercy, do you think I should give mommy some loving tonight? She goes, as long as I don't have a sibling the next day. Oh my God. That's wild. Yeah, dog, I'm not in that because the world is quick and you don't want your kid getting fought. I remember being a kid and people telling me, do you come yet?

And I'm like, seven. And they're like, you don't come yet? And I'm like, no, what is that? And they're like, stuff comes out of your dick and you can write your name on it. For years, that fucked with me. I'm like, I can't wait to be 13 to write and come my name on the wall.

I couldn't even write a letter. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, disgusting. But this is the shit older kids tell you. And now you believe that shit. Oh yeah, especially back then. And now you believe that shit. Oh yeah, especially back there. And now you gotta say it one day in front of you, 13. Yeah, I came on the wall and everybody was listening,

like shut the fuck up you idiot. And now next thing you know you're on the B team, you know what I'm saying? Right. They move you down, listen, you can hang out with us no more, till you get your shit together. Sent down to the minors. That's it.

Holy shit. It's it. Holy shit. It's tough, man, but. And do you see her not falling for shit her friends are falling for? Do you see the fruits of your labors? Yes and no. Yes, she won't listen to me. When I start going off, she watches Friends

and she knows I hate that fucking show. So anytime I can piss on Friends, I'll do it and she just shakes her head. But she won't quit watching Friends. And I respect her for that. She won't go, yeah, Dad, it sucks. Fuck no, she's in there. And when I knock on the door, she's like,

what are you doing, Friends? I'm like, Jesus Christ, close the door, Dad. That's it. That's it That's it. Yeah, like I say shit She knows man, they all know we all knew Apparently to creepy things we might not even remember You know your dad was a creeper Zora. I'm motherfucker had playboys in the basement He he hit him inside pizza cans and shit. But I didn't know back then, but now looking back I can,

I remember smelling weed through the heating vents. That's it. You didn't see none of his pornography collection, none of his little boy collection or nothing. You didn't see his little fucking, his little ditty collection. There was no ditty collection. But yeah, there were some VHS tapes.

Yeah, everybody, that's it. Did you ever pop one in there? Of course, I would rewind it back to where it was. Did you get a Woody and stuff? Your face get all red and shit? The red face, probably, but my face is usually red, but I have no idea Yeah, it was it was my introduction to it was VHS tapes. That's why I don't like I'm always home when she gets home from school. I

Watch her come in I Sit outside or I sit close so I watch her come in so I see what she looks like when she comes in and or I sit close or I watch her come in. So I see what she looks like when she comes in. And then I feed her and then she does whatever the fuck she wants. But I always start that, my worst times when I would come home and look around, the shit you found.

That's the worst thing for a kid. I used to find the creepiest things, you know, and then go, what the fuck? And then it's your fault for looking. But like, do you also monitor like what she does online? You know and then go what the fuck and then it's your fault for looking but like Do you also? Monitor like what she does online like do you see her history and mother does more than my child Oh, my mother does I don't know what I'm doing

Right, but someone's looking at what I fucking talked to her a lot and I talked to her about the video games Has anybody spoken to you? She's already told me about a situation that happened to her. So we're good, we're good, we're good. I don't know what I'm doing on there. I don't even know if she plays road blocks. Yeah, that can get creepy. One of those, I don't know. I don't even know if it's road blocks.

There's one of them. And they're all creepy, but we know a guy. Remember you met him, the guy in L.A. that made games. So before she downloads a game, my wife calls him and he'll tell my wife whether the game Is good for her to watch is shitty for her to watch. It's a fucking great deal. So nice That's awesome. It was great. It was great to see Terry too. It was just she was so happy Any other show was awesome. It took me And yeah, the show was awesome. It took me like a minute,

because I've heard from comics on podcasts, talk about like in bigger rooms like that, that like the sound comes back at you in a way, I mean it was like I've done theaters with you. And like what? Like the sound just came back like echoey a little bit. And it was, it took me a few minutes of my set. And then like towards the middle,

I really started to have a lot of fun. You got loose, literally. You see a lot of people like that. It's like when you walk into a club, you ever go, you're in park in New York City, you're like, oh my God, let's get to the club, Mickey. And you walk in, and all of a sudden you turn, and there's a fucking line of 800 people,

and you're like, and all of a sudden, you take your breath away. Just the energy there goes, and you go, oh my God. And you're like, and all of a sudden it takes your breath away. Just the energy there goes, and you go, oh my God. You're like, what do you wanna do? And all of a sudden you get irritated, right? Don't you get irritated right away? What do you wanna do?

You wanna wait on this line? I don't know. Where's my friend Sebastian? Sebastian is nowhere to be found. But to be honest with you, I don't know if it was just, cause we came in the back, I didn't see anybody. A couple people beeped at me as I was walking up,

but that's it. I don't think I looked up, because I don't normally look up at a comedy show. Nick put up an Instagram story today of the four tears. I swear to my mother's life, I didn't know there were four tears. You think I fucking knew, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God,

I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God, I swear to God I go out there now, I start judging.

And pre, what's that called? Were you pre? You don't need to see shit. You just gotta be funny. You wanna see something? Like Cuba say, no way or nothing. But I say culo. But it was so, everyone there was so cool.

All that, listen, when I spoke to Lee this morning, we spoke at about 9.30. I had an appointment at 10.30, and we spoke about all the variables. We spoke about, I forgot the material, the sound, the feedback. There was some other thing we discussed. And at the end of the day, I just wasn't prepared. Do you know what I'm saying? It was two weeks.

I had done a set the night before. I was still gonna come up with like 20 new minutes of material, obviously it didn't fucking work. I had to substitute to the B shit. But at the end of the day, I hate when comics say that. Well, the echo, it goes back, who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying? Just do your shit.

No, yeah, I definitely got used to it. I also, I think- Lee, do your shit. No, yeah, I definitely got used to it. I also, I think. Lee, you did great. Well, thank you. It was a great show. Aaron Berg killed. He's so fucking funny. Did you go out there and look at the theater

before you went out there? No. Beautiful, and I wouldn't let you. We're from that old school. You need to see nothing. No. Like the Cubans said, no way now. Asse culo.

That means don't see nothing. Look at your ass. You wanna see nothing, look at your ass. You wanna see something, look at your ass. Don't see nothing. I know what you're saying, I'm not gonna lie, cause I hate when you think you didn't have a good show and people try to convince you you did, but it looked like you were having a lot of fun out there

for the whole time. No, I'm leaving the house saying to myself, like three, five years ago before the pandemic, what was fucking me up so much was I was going up there and saying I can't fail. That was the wrong attitude. It was go up there, have fun, and fuck him in the ear. What's that, fuck him in the other ear?

What movie is that? Fuck him in the ear, fuck him in the ear. What's that, fuck him in the other ear? What movie is that? Fuck him in the ear, fuck him in the other ear. Goodfellas are one of those stupid movies. My point is that stand up is about going up there, eating an edible, smoking some dope, whatever sets you loose. If it's a cocktail, if it's, what? Goodfellas.

Goodfellas. That's really a line from Goodfellas. I thought that was a joke, you know, I mean guys stand up at the end of the day You're supposed to go up there You know going like I mean the back the true attitude if you're getting more than $100 a show For doing an hour, right? Let's say you're getting 300 a show for doing an hour. Your attitude is you're going up there and you're like, some idiot. I mean, that's the joke. That's why as you're walking to the stage,

there should be nothing on your mind. You gotta say two things to yourself. And it's funny, some people are gonna take it the wrong way because they take everything the wrong way. But like when you're getting 500 a show on a Tuesday or whatever, you're like this fucking idiot. You know, they're paying me 500 hours to do something I would do for free.

Right, or pay to do. When you do stand up, basically they're paying you for the gas, the tolls, that's what you're paying for. When you get there, you're like, they wanna pay me how much to do this stupid shit? I'll go up there and fucking flip around and blow bottle rockets out of my ass. As long as you're having fun,

the audience is gonna have fun. Right. Right or wrong. Now, at a different level, I'm walking out there going, I can't believe these 2,000 people showed up. They actually paid, like you have to like, be happy on the way up there. Like somebody's finally paying you. For 18 years, you had to bring four people,

an organ player, go up at midnight, wait a year for a check, you know what I'm saying? And now for once, what do you have to be fucking sad about? And I think that sometimes with comedy or life, it's how you look at the situation. Because I was the king of that shit. It's how you, I used to go to the doctor scared. I'm going to get a needle in my arm. I'm the whole way there.

You're just building up fear and anxiety. But the time I get there, my hands would be, they would put the fucking paper towels in both my hands. Now I go to the doctor like I'm gonna torture the fucking chick who takes blood out of me. Well, something. But it's not the fear, you know, like before I go on stage.

I told Nick Nick a joke before I went up. I did the joke. The dumbest joke in the world about Carvel. Mr. Softy's my neighborhood is so boring. Mr. Softy stopped coming That's what you're supposed to be doing. You know why cuz I was I right and I was giggling at myself I'm looking at you with the horse which feet and I'm fucking dying a laptop But that's what it is. It's the attitude, it's not like I'm gonna go up there and my sound is gonna ricochet, who gives a fuck?

I don't need to hear shit, I just need to fucking watch him laughing, I don't need to hear nothing. I wanna hear my boring jokes, what do I wanna hear them for? I can talk to myself all day. Right, but that's why it's like, and you have to be hard on yourself, but you're being, people had a really good time at the show.

And that's all that matters. See, on the way home, I thought about that also. And I saw those people. I saw the people that came in the back. There was a lot of people in the back I'd never met before. Gino's daughters, I never knew them before them before they were like your nephew just went to meet with my dad and I'm like he's here I showed him to I don't know if you saw

them I never met these people before but I can see the look on their face my friend Gabby her niece came I thought the tickets were for her and she goes no I have to give him my license so she gave the niece her license they let her in I didn't know a lot of those people. But I could see that they were happy. Gabby's called me three fucking times and said, she went backstage, Joe, you let her in. I go, yeah, those are the passes.

You know, so that's what you look at. And dude, it's like, because even if you have like a good set, like a B or B plus, A minus, there's always gonna be like a better set or a better, it could have gone better. But that doesn't mean that it wasn't good or people, because you, yeah, but you also, you said you wanted to do jokes you didn't do. You say that every time you go on stage.

You also always say, I have nothing, I don't know what I'm going to say to these people. Until I get up there and start milking the vein this I don't know what I'm gonna say these people I get up there Stop milk in the vein. I don't know shit and dude this times. I have to watch you guys and go all fuck Like thank God Aaron Burr goes up before me sometimes They'll say something about his kid and I go let you go. I could not remember that No, and I do that at the dojo on purpose to get my memory going. It's a discipline, it's an exercise to get your coconut fucking thinking. But when I'm in front of 20 and other people,

there's no exercising, there's executing. Big fucking difference, you see what I'm saying? So that's what I meant. I'm mad that I got stuck. Do you think you went to something you were more confident? Like I know, like the jokes you did were joking new jokes, but like I

Forgot everything late. I forgot shit that I could go to that's very Like New Jersey ish. I forgot a ton of shit. That happens all the time. I know it does And you know, people go, well you need to stop smoking reefer. No, I'm gonna smoke more fucking reefer from now on. So you guys, where are you this week? Anyway, for the 4th of July. What are you gonna do?

For the 4th, it's my uncle's 80th birthday. I'm going back to Boston for a couple days. No comedy up there? I reached out for another week, but not this week. Oh, say can you see where you got any fireworks what are we doing for the fort? Yeah we're going to watch those Israeli fireworks. They go boom boom they go not just boom they go boom boom two times you don't get any of those? Not yet. The face of Netanyahu on it?

No, no Netanyahu bombs. I have no idea what I'm doing for the Fourth of July. We're gonna go to the city, but there's too many Jews in the city for the Fourth. That's gotta scare you a little bit, you know what I'm saying? That's why you're in Boston. That's why I'm leaving. Who knows, I don't wanna be in a building where you're bombed or a fucking helicopter goes into it or something.

And then... You're a glass half full kind of guy. A what? Glass half full. Why is all this terrible things gonna happen? It's the Fourth of July. People go crazy, people are angry. New York's got that new primary mayor,

people are mad about that. If you got property in New Jersey, kick your mother out, because you're about to make millions. If your mother lives in the basement, tell her, bitch, it's time to go, Jack. You know what I'm saying? We're making millions.

I'll buy you a little hut in South Jersey once the smoke clears. We're making big money in North Jersey now. Why? Because that guy, if he wins, all those people, and Jack Chittarelli, the Republican, wins as governor, all those people are gonna move to Northern New Jersey. Damn.

Big money, you know what I'm saying? Everybody wanna be doing a podcast. We'll open up an office, some bitches. What are the bitches gonna do? Whatever you want want to do Help your girlfriend with the muffins Listen, who would you eat a muffin from a topless chicken? I gave you a muffin or some scotch at all from Starbucks with sunglasses and green hair

You don't say that's what you need in your life. It's a real easy choice Would you like soy milk? Yeah in my ass. That's what I want. So you know, all right. Would you like soy milk? Yeah, in my ass. That's what I want, soy milk, all right? Well, no fucking soy milk. I want the real McCoy. But who goes to a topless place to get a muffin? Well, that's what we're gonna find out. Would you like to go to a topless muffin coffee place

tomorrow? They got them in Florida, topless coffee. They really have coffee? Yeah, you pull up in the topless. That seems like it's way too hot to be topless around. What? What if they spill it on themselves? Who gives a fuck? Coffee yeah, you pull up too hot to be topless around what? What if they spill on themselves who gives a fuck the titties you know You take them to Texas and you got a rebranded

That's what a fake tit was invented they got a little cheesy company like the boot company in Nashville I got one down there for your titties really remember titties were invented at the University of Texas. I didn't know that Great movie, this is a real thing. Yeah, what you know for you know, Austin or Dallas yes big money Dallas big titties big money big titties everybody went nuts and everybody in the club getting tipsy. So that's where the fake tit was invented. I learned something every week on this podcast. That's what these podcasts and comedy routines are about. You always go home with a ha ha and a hee hee

and a fucking, a mental note. Like I didn't know that titties were, whatever. Invented down there. Yeah, I don't know what I'm gonna do for the fourth. I don't wanna sit at home. I don't feel like driving three and a half hours. Even having to drive back on fucking Sunday morning and stop at Celia Cruz, fucking, that's my favorite.

I go in there and get the Nathan's hot dog with the fucking french fries and they have the coconut ice that you pop in the little thing. Tremendous. But like, I was just gonna ask, you don't wanna do like a grill, like put hot dogs and hamburgers? How old are we now?

How many fucking hamburgers and hot dogs? We just had the best hot dogs we're gonna have. I'm gonna sit there at somebody's house with some half fucking shitty hot dogs. They're ballpark, oh, I'm fucking excited. They're not Georgie dogs, you know what I'm saying? Because you ain't got that type of class. That's true.

You know, and they want to make you those kachad meatballs, those kachad fucking hamburgers where they don't put no seasoning in it. I don't wanna do that again. Then potato salad, I don't wanna do that again. Well, happy Fourth of July everybody. It's a good Friday. Now I'm bored Saturday and Sunday scratching my balls.

I don't wanna do that shit. Would you ever bring your own food to a barbecue? Like if you knew someone's food's stuck? Oh yeah, if I knew somebody's anti-professional, you'd show up with your own shit, you know what I'm saying? If I know George's gonna be there with American cheese slices from Kraft, you gotta show up with something.

George thinks I'm gonna let him forget that. That's when he'll be on his tombstone. This motherfucker showed up to a barbecue with Long Island Italians with Kraft slices, the ones that you remove once. Then he wonders why I don't invite him back. Those aren't bad though. If you're a communist, if you're you're a communist if you're in prison

Not if you're in Liberty, not if you believe in freedom And let me ask you this Joey what year was this cheese Transgression like my five years ago. Okay. I thought it was when you were in your 20s. I know That's why he got dumped. Five or six years. He showed up with American cheese in front of our family, they're old school Italian, that's it. They pulled her aside and said,

you gotta give them walking papers. They need days. They love me, but they haven't loved me enough. It's for cheese, that's fucked up. Bro, they've let people go for less. Old school Italian people don't fuck around, dog. There's some shit you just can't show up with. That's what I'm trying to always caution you.

Could you get like, let's say he went to the deli and got like nice sliced American cheese, like they sliced it for him. First of all, he should have showed up with nice fresh sliced cheese, and also he knows he should have showed up with nice fresh sliced cheese and also he knows he should have showed up with mozzarella and some nice pepperoni bread or whatever the fuck but they

don't have that then and yeah so you bring a little cheese but you dope it up a little bit a little bit mozzarella nice with the ball with the salt water right with the mozzarella pimple water. Right, you can't, and I love you George, but you can't bring, this is making more sense, like a package of American cheese slices instead of like a ball of mozzarella. Okay, I thought you were making burgers. Unless your neighbor's friend is Chad, or fuckin', you know, true T.

Yeah, you can't slip by that. I don't even know if that's a knife, George, that's, true T. Yeah, you can't slip like that. I don't even know if that's a knife, George. That's a rough one. Yeah, I'll throw you out for less. I swear to God, man. So you got no gigs this weekly, just tomorrow? I have tonight, yeah. Tonight, yeah.

Tonight? Or when this comes out. Okay, and where you at tonight? The comic strip at eight o'clock. And it's a showcase. Yes. Go down there and support Leesayat tomorrow tonight? The comic strip at eight o'clock. And it's a showcase. Yes. Go down there and support Leesayat tomorrow night at the comic strip.

And let me tell you something else, ladies and gentlemen. This week is the fourth of July. With what's been going on lately in the fucking world, make it the best fourth of July, you know, put your fucking Nazi helmet on and get ready because some deep shit might happen or then again something might not happen. But the only thing that's supposed to happen is we're supposed to be the best Americans that we could fucking ever be.

And that's all you could do. Me, I don't vote but I pay taxes. I pay taxes on the reef, I do all the right things. I don't jaywalk, you know, I do all the right things. I don't jaywalk. You know, I do all the right things. I did my crime, I did my time, I paid my debt to society, and what do you want from me? I got a warrant in Seattle, but fuck that. That was 30 years ago and I never got in trouble again,

so who won that fucking dog fight? Hello? Anyway. Happy Fourth of July to you and your families. Appreciate the liberties that you have. Why are you at home watching stupid fucking games and getting ready for the jets, who gives a fuck? Go out there and be a fucking American, that's it.

Trump is helping you, he's cleaning out the country. He's helping you now. You got no more excuses. Why would I wanna mow a lawn? Mexicans are gonna mow a lawn. White people are gonna be in demand again. Thank God to Trump. That's it But do you really want the job? That's next week's podcast

Do you really want the fucking job after Trump gets rid of you gonna learn how to bake are you gonna learn how to clean? the bathroom No Anyway, I love you guys. Have a happy 4th of July with your families stay black Don't forget to support Lee tonight at the comic strip What's treat Lee you're sitting there? You don't even know yet. Look at you I don't know what street is on into the comic strip in the Upper East Side comic strip on the Upper East Side I love you motherfucker. Stay black. Have a great week. Hey, what's going on? Uncle Joe here? Listen, it's 4th of July weekend If your dick is malfunctioning, it's time for some Blue Chew, Jack.

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