Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Episode #11 - A Recipe for Destruction

Episode Date: November 14, 2023

So here I am in Baltimore, with the small 20 in my pocket, a half-a-joint, and four cigarettes... This week, on The Check In, Joey tells Lee about a recent accident, his thoughts on working from home, and the times he did comedy on a bus to New York City and much more!  Support the show and get 55% off your Babbel subscription at https://www.babbel.com/JOEY Support the show and try Blue Chew for free when you pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and use code JOEY Support the show & get 20% off your order at https://www.liquidiv.com with code JOEY Support the show & download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and press in code JOEY. New customers can bet just 5 bucks on the NFL action and score $150 instantly in bonus bets. The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

Well, you. All right. It's over there before you come back down the enjoyment crazy. Take everything. Check everything. Your worst enjoy. Come on, Terry. Come on.

Just get the phone and we will go. Don't recall you. Don't get to start it. Please let it go upstairs already. I almost got rid of her, now you want to play phone games. I thought you were looking for it. You're another fucking genius. I'm trying to get rid of these people.

And you're like, you know what? What knocked it you go to? What? He just had a foot in a fucking genius. I'm trying to get rid of these people. What do you know what doctors are going to want? He just had a foot in a fucking car. Why bother these people? Because I don't know. You're trying to be helpful. Well listen, you want to be helpful. Join a convent. Go to fucking Saigon. And dig treacherous. That's what you do if you want to be helpful. But some of these people just mind your business. What do you care? And we have. We scratch your nose for you. I must be Jesus Christ. What's going on? It's good. It's good. It's good. You know, everything else is good except for my ankle. So, do you want to tell this story? No, no, no, I want to get the party started.

Let's flow with the, you know, let's do this shit. Get the fucking music out. Let's get the yell on the screen and let's stab people. It's fucking Tuesday morning. Let's go. What's happened to your savages? It's Tuesday, the 14th of November. Listen, if you want to get it on, you're going to have to get it up. All right. And Blue

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Today use promo code Joey at liquid iv.com enough enough Joey hit me with the show baby boy I love your TV's run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet Just to get about a local Joey could do it. They can put you on this planet just to get about it. I thought we'd joy to do it. I could fucking rule the world. I think you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to Sheldon! I don't know why it was they wanted. Let's do this shift for these people. It's got to a tough time of the year. That skibbons coming, then fucking the holidays are coming. People are going to be jumping up and down. They want to be more, more, it's going to drop a

bomb. You know, somewhere there's going to be something like on December 12th. Isn't that another Jewish holiday? Coming up. There's Hanaka coming up. What is that? I'm a bad Jew. I don't know what's coming up soon though. It's like on December. Or at least September. I'm talking about what's coming up now and no, no, I said it's in early December. All right. So right there, they're going to mess up mother of the fucking onica. It would be the obvious. It would be the obvious. Listen, I'm no fucking war guy. I'm seeing that. What do I know? I'm a fucking fellow. You know what I'm saying? Drop that mic. Be, you know, talking about, I don't know nothing. I'm just giving you my opinion. This, you know, anything that happened right now.

So before you go spending for that stereo, putting on a layaway, you better hold on to that. Gators to the 24th. And we got it. When you get down there at 6.01, looking like you lost your puppy and shit. Tommy needs to go to stereo. We want it. I'll take the floor model. It's missing a needle. I don't really want it. I'll take the floor

model. It's missing a needle. I don't get what fuck. I'll sing tonight and get the needle in two days. I don't know why I got like Christmas, but I hate to hold shit about Christmas. Like I stopped him more the soup. I stopped going to supermarkets after December 1st. Because I can't because it just I don't know. I don't like that Christmas. Dung, I got the end, done that when you walk into the store. He's walking around like, what's that? What exactly? You love the radio?

The radio. It's always pre-programmed. Fucking mismatched. That they play a weekly rake war, but a holiday. So as soon as you walk in there, it's Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, and then it's being by the boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, 30% off, 80% off. You motherfuckers now. Go fuck yourself. Alright, thanks. I needed that in my fucking world. Yeah, so it's kind of weird how. I don't know.

I hate that time. I love Christmas. Like, I love fucking the week before Christmas. When it's really just over. It's okay to be retarded. Like, you have a legal license to be a fucking momo. You get drunk, you could do this, you could do that. But, who gives a fuck?

I don't know what I'm talking about. I smoke that. Is it really like? It's like what Christmas? Yeah, before Christmas, they saw right to be a fucking half a street. You can walk around, all right to be a fucking half the streets. You can walk around, drink, you know, fall on the floor. That's a better one.

I'm going to give you an advisory right now. Okay, and it happened to me two years in a row. After the fucking 15th this year, don't sign up for dick. Don't sign up for dick. Don't sign up for it. You might be real prepared, don't get too close to people because people forget COVID's still out there and you're lucky you're gonna get it on the 23rd and then you can't go to grandma's and it was on you

whatever all this shit she's eating. You know what I'm saying? I didn't get it last year, but the year before I got. And I think the year before I got ruined fucking something that happened to Chris just before. So the planes scare me a little bit. That's like the only time I'm like, oh, because I've always got on planes both times. It's not even the plane. It's not even the plane as much as the airport. I think it's just a lot of people at the airport.

You're in small spaces for a lot of people. Who gives a fuck? We all know that. If you're gonna fly out the holidays, bring a helmet and bring Vaseline, that's all I got to tell you. You're gonna get stuck somewhere. You might as well be prepared to take the dude

behind the kind of listen. I got to get home I'll give you my asshole. Yeah, I'm out of money. You know, I lost my grandma's house You gotta get home. What you know if you you I always hated traveling over the holidays Just because of how busy it is Yes, especially being in a big airport and shit The dies motherfucker Yes, especially being in a big airport and shit. The decent motherfuckers don't. I swear to God, I'm gonna choke the debt. I really am.

I don't even know who the fuck it is. I can't tell. But they got a fucking stop. These people. And now they want to tax. Stupid man. If I hear one more thing, I'm going to start the podcast and call them and tell them both. You're fucked. I text you a half hour ago.

I said, you're that fucking thing. And now I start to ask. And now is when you get a fucking itch to call Uncle Joey. I tell you this happens all the fucking time. I told you that. I told you that. I told you that. I am the worst. Nobody will call all fucking day.

And then I'll get five phone calls in a row from five people. I don't want to hear from. And it's in a row. You don't even put the phone back in your pocket. And also you see your fucking shake it. Because I'm like, what the fuck is this? Before I had someone I call me,

nice guy, I lumped at death, I always talk to him. But then I hung up and then he called me back, like I had to go back in my pocket, what? I forgot to tell you, if you're a fan, what are you bothering me for? But yeah, listen, I'm done with the conversation. We'll talk tomorrow, call me tomorrow, okay? I don't have that no more. I'm old, I don't have that shit. Once we get off the phone call me tomorrow. We'll start a new conversation tomorrow.

Do you remember? Because I remember like when we met you then you'd like you gave me your number and you'd like I'll call you and I got waited for it and then we talked for like two three minutes, which is meant a lot for you, but then you said like I'll call you tomorrow. I'll call you later. I'll call you later. And I, that's like, it for probably a day. Like, you just like, you're like, I'll call it no, that's what it is. I'll call you right back. Like, yeah, I'm talking too much. Like, there's no call you right back. And then it's like, not like a time out. But like, it's a clock. It's late. I think it's like, not like a tight mouth, but like, it's a the clock.

It's late. I got six, 700 milligrams. You want to call me and put me on jeopardy. It's not going to work out. I'm going to tell you, whatever you're going to tell you to get you off the phone. Anything. Yeah, I'll do your play and you roll a skate.

Absolutely. Yeah, no. Anything to get you off the phone because they always call me when I just sat down to watch something with my wife. They want to call me at 920. With a man, are you available? December 8th? Oh, what? I got a game, bring a game. Listen, listen, call me tomorrow between nine and 12 business hours. I used to be like, I got cut him down to nine to 12,

leave him message and we'll get back to you. You go to the store, nobody calls you all day, walking to the gym, all of a sudden it's like, you know, that girl, that gives blow jobs in high school. My phone don't stop bringing. Everybody wants to give me flowers. Oh my god. I got on the bike, right? And I put the earphones on and I have to go on. I got to put my pants in. My my my fucking phone and my pants. Okay, I got to put my phone in my pants and I programed with an apple. apple now if you don't anything about me it took me about three months to figure out how to book a music on Apple I know how to figure out Apple but I kept using the same app I wiped out and I didn't know

how to figure out Apple you know how I figured it out it just came on when you're phone and I'm like what happened there like it just surprised me when I hear phone. I'm like, what happened there? Like, you're just surprised. And I put the phone, the earphones, next to the fucking phone in the car. And I said in the fucking things that are playing music. And I'm like, okay, I got this. So I'm like, hey, about my crowds and tribulations. So listen, I wake up in the morning, I have breakfast.

My daughter gets on the bus, I kiss her, buy her, wave at the other kids have a good day the whole fucking deal I come in I come back downstairs I make my notes for the day I wash my monkey you know a couple of bongets to get the wings I'm not just gonna go to the gym at 9 30 on pure excitement I need some bongets to get the motivation going I make a local right redress Okay, I put some cholesterol in it and I fucking go to the gym and guess what? Lee, that's my 30 minutes. That's my first 30 minutes are doing anything So I figured out if you talk to me and I take the headphones on Now the ifones don't come back on oh

Somebody wants to come over and ask me did you work the game last night? No, I didn't. And I don't give a fuck. Say, why are you bothering me before? I got the earphones on. Why are you fucking saying something to me? You know I'm a retard. Why are you speaking to me this way?

They come over and then finally I figure it out after another month, how to just put the earphones back on and then they land here Now Some fucking my mouth calls me I could tell because all of a sudden Fucking, you know, baby Gilmore's gonna go into a guitar solo. That's when you call me, not you, I'm saying some fucking mom won't call me. Right, and the phone shuts off.

The fucking music shuts off. Or else, I look at who's calling. I don't wanna talk to you, but I gotta wait. I gotta wait for the fucking phone to stop ringing. For me to get back in my tomb So you just put into 20 seconds of my fucking right for something and now I now I get for them in 30 I'll get five of them in 30 minutes after I get off that bike That phones like a ghost town nobody calls again. Oh, you know, whatever the fuck

So that's what I'm trying to say to you. People always fucking, you know, they know, they got a camera to irritate me. There's a service, how to irritate Joey, and you see me doing something that matters to me and that's when you want to fucking call me a text me. Well, I'm just sitting there scratching my balls begging somebody to call. He would sit there going, I wish somebody called.

You have no situation, so somebody's giving you an A-beaten and you're looking at your phone going, please. I come with you, there's no call now. I come this afternoon. And then the guy walks away and then they start calling you. You're like, what, I can't win. I can't, I don't need you now.

And I'm definitely not gonna pick up a phone. Mm-hmm. Okay. Okay. Easy being cheesy. That's good to see you. I pulled zero sugar for the people who fucking emailed me. Tell them out about you. Because I drank snapple.

Yeah, snapples, chiro sugar. If you look at my waist basket here, I got 22 water. So at night, after dinner, I like to let go a little bit. You know what I'm saying? What's wrong with a snap of zero? I could see if I was drinking 22 fucking vachas and calling bird on the phone and breathing heavy What flavor? You know me zero sugar snaple

Lemon tea. Yeah, I know it's got chemicals in it, but guess what, I live in Jersey. So, you're a little chemical conspiracy, that ship sailed. I grew up in Jersey, I breathe every fucking psychological, come on, give me a fucking breathe, guys. Yeah, but they use, you know, coach blood, okay, but it tastes good. They caught me

It is good. I fucking live on that So I had a hell of a week last week. Yeah, you people who want to know why where I come out and been on social media Because I can't get to it. All right, let me tell you what happened Wednesday I went for the stress test And that went okay believe it not. That wasn't bad. The needle in the arm. They don't stick a needle in you know. They stick a fucking plastic thing so you can play the drums where you got the intravenous thing in your arm. So what are you talking about? The intravenous stuff. The I.V.D. is the needle.

It's a plastic thing and it's bendable. Boom, the little Spanish could put in agents, great fucking guy over at Santa State. And they took me to another room and they fucking sat me down first. And they asked me a bunch of creepy questions. You know, they ask you these questions like I know, like what medication are you on? Listen, I have no idea. If you don't see my wife here, don't even bother checking on me.

That's all you got. I'm like a prisoner or I don't know nothing. I don't want to know nothing. You know, they start right. You know, this, I, you know, I'm not sure. What else? I don't even know what they start right. You know, this like you want to not sure what I'm on. I take fucking seven people morning and five at night. I don't know what I'm on. Clown of Dean, this, that's some.

Then they put you know idea. No, they put you on a treadmill and they shoot some ink into you. That's got like speed in it, Lee. And you think you're gonna fucking die. Like I've done it before. So I was mentally prepared this time. Like I was, I got up early at morning and you can't eat before you go in there.

So whenever I can eat, I don't trust it. It's a 50, 50 chance that I'm gonna fucking go down like a fucking bad habit, right? So I go in there, it's 830, they're fucking quick. They got me right in there. They sat me down, you know, put the thing in my arms. Apps, obviously I take my headphones with me. So I don't hear the needle or the rubble or whatever the fuck they're doing.

And then they put me in another room and they put your own treadmill, Lee, and then they fucking, while you're on the treadmill, they shoot you with some liquid adrenaline, like speed to get you to see how much you can handle and just dress up. Ooh, my little chubby heart.

I got flashbacks at 87. It was fucking hard to turn it off. Turn it off. I had a tap and then like, you okay Mr. D. H. I'm okay, I sat down and they gave me a Coca-Cola because the ship... What, you have to tap?

Huh? Why did he tap out? They put the fucking, I was okay on flatland. But once they started playing with the fucking directions and shit up and down. Play with my emotions. That's what I thought I was in a fall. So I I started panicking about the morning. I got no coffee.

So What? What? I got no coffee in me. So, he gave me some coke and then they did something else. They didn't, you know, I had to lay down and do pictures of my heart and shit. And they kicked me out of there. I went in at 8.30 and I walked out of there at 20 to 12. So I was straight as a dog, right? So I was like, damn, I didn't faint.

But the next day I had PRP. Thursday, PRP's when they take your blood out, and then they mix it with some fucking chemicals and a bunch of my leukejuice, and then they put it into the location that hurts. So I did it on the one side of the knee, but now I could feel the inside of me starting to go. So I went to the doc and he's like, listen, Joe,

you got a couple of options, but try to PRP again. Insurance don't cover it, but it works for a lot of people. It did work for me, but I'm the left side of my knee. I had a double check, what hand that was putting that. You know what I'm saying? When you hit over five edibles, you don double check what hand I was putting out. You know what I'm saying? When you hit over five edibles, you don't know what hand you're putting out. So you put this hand up like for a boy's mouth next thing you know. So the PRP is at 315 a.m. You know, that gives me a chance to smoke, go, you know,

fuck an eat breakfast, eat lunch. I was going to go to the gym that morning, but I had my daughter last week. Kids were off. And my wife had to go to a banquet in the morning, like a breakfast meeting thing, so 12. So I had my daughter. I just took a shop and what I would want you to do. And then in the afternoon, I went to PRP. I want to know what my speaker's on. You know, I went over to Apex.

My dog over there, right? Dr. Severino. Good dude. I've been to him before. You know, you don't faint. And I'm like that happens to you. So I laid back. What arm do you want of that? I go time out with the right arm.

They just shot me in there with a fuck and plastic doofy, I thought, we got a switch government and shoot it over to the left arm, right? So I put on my usual anthem. When I draw blood, I put on a sand panor. Oye, come over. I'm one of those dudes.

I put on from the beginning. By the time he's taking the rubber band off my arm and opening my hand and insert the needle, it's already going. So I'm in. I feel a little prick of the needle and then I breathe it out. And they why I'm up and I'm like, that didn't hurt at all. I could be strictly honestly, but this one was different. They stuck the needle in my arm. And This one was different. They stuck the needle in my arm. And, Lee, a fucking minute went by. Now I'm going holy shit, I've grown up a lot. Because 30 years ago, after 10 seconds, I go down.

I start thinking about it. Lee. So the needle was still in your arm? For fucking a whole minute while they were drawing blood. No. Yeah, they're drawing, I don't know how many C.C.s. You're there for a little while, though. And finally with it, like two minutes,

I'm two minutes into this song. Trust me, I've heard this song 10,000 fucking times. And it's at the two minute mark. And I'm like, holy shit, I can't believe I haven't fainted yet. And I didn't even finish thinking that. And he goes, he taps me and he goes, how you doing? And I go, not bad. And he goes five more seconds. And then he took it out. But my arm up, I took the earphones off. Obviously it turns off, right? And I'm talking to him. And brother, the next thing in the room started getting on

and the motherfucker, I felt like Nelly, that's why you got to take me close off, whatever that song is. It was hot in there, to the point where I had to lay back, when I started sliding off the chair. It got hot out of control. I started seeing spots the chair. It got harder control. I started seeing spots around my eyes. And then I said to him, Doc, can you bring a fucking ice

pack for me? And he brought it immediately. And like, if you feel him, could hard ice on my neck? And with this fucking 30 seconds, it was water. Then he put one on my foot. And one on my fucking head in the front and all of them melted within fucking 30 seconds, though, hysterical. I tried to suck.

One thing you got to hide, just from just from... My blood pressure dropped. You got to get hot. But dog, I made it without fainting, I made it without complaining. I grew up a lot. I'm 60 by this point. Hopefully you could do something right. You know what I'm saying?

So now I leave that joint. I'm not going to say a name of the restaurant. They're good people. I'm sitting here at home. I come home just to make sure I'm okay. My knees fine. By the way, bro, that's the easiest procedure you'll ever do Which is what what's one the one at apex. There's my sex There's nobody anybody who's been listening to me for a while my dear friends

They all know I'm not comfortable around needles. I'm just there's something about fucking needles I just don't feel comfortable around I drive myself down there guys You know that that's like me driving myself to get shot in my world. Okay, me going to the doctor to take, put any type of needle in me in my head, me driving myself to get in front of a fucking fire and he's quiet. Like I already go in there feeling fucking gloomy, my stomach hurts, and then you read that book, and you know, it's called Resistance.

Resistance just doesn't go against you, and you're creative, it'll go against you. There's people that have died before they go to the fucking doctor. Now I'm not fucking, you know, friendly with the doctors, but you gotta go in there, and talk to people from time to time,

and check things out. And yeah, I'm very lucky. I didn't go to a doctor from the time I was 18 to like 30 something. You know, I didn't get a physical permute that way. So it's something like I struggle with because I lost good my way to put like 20 pounds back on unfortunately, but I Did you ever get to a point like you didn't I my whole thing was I don't want to go until I'm under certain number Like you have any like that part of like did your weight go into you not want to go to the doctor? There was a point where like most people you're just embarrassed Who wants to go in front of a doctor when the last time you went in there?

You were 260 and now you're 315 and that happens loudly and in that process you get diabetes You might get a blood clot and you're like, you know, you might you know, so it's worth it Like I didn't go to a doctor for a long time, man, and knock on wood. I don't know. But once I started going to the doctor, I think it felt a lot better on my fucking scope, like that I'm going to the doctor. I'm doing something for myself.

For a couple of years, then my wife had a drive me, you know, because she knew I wouldn't make a U-turn and cancel the appointment. You know, that's who I am. I cancel appointment before going and take care of myself. And then once I got to hang in there and I just started fainting,

I go to the dentist now, I drive myself to the dentist, you know, going, Joey, you're a grown man, put him in your drug. So I got problems. I don't wanna go, who wants to go get stabbed in the fucking mouth? I rather put a fourth tooth in with Scott's tape and leave me the fucking one.

We'll figure it the fuck out. But again, you can die from all that shit, you know. And when you're out there doing drugs and drinking and fucking around a lot of people, you know, when you're young, you're invincible. But at one point that shit takes a toll, you know, and it could be 35, it could be 42, or it could be 29, you just don't know and you've broken the fucking barrier of booze. So now I come home, I fucking hang out and then I go to this deli that you and I both visit at a sandwich there. In fact, I could need the whole sandwich. I had to have the sandwich.

I didn't eat the coleslaw. I had to have a sandwich. Oh, a cup of soup. That's all I could do. Like, you know, from fainting, I guess, I was still not really hungry, but I just wanted to eat something. So I wouldn't be hungry at 10, 15 at night.

And then I start paddocking for reals. So I get up and you know I've been at 200 times in three years. It's one of my favorite delis. I was looking down but it's usually where the customers walk out and when I went to make the right turn I got my foot got caught on like a couple of mats and stuff like that. And I went to make the right turn. I got my foot got caught on like a couple of mats and stuff like that. And I went down and Doug, I was talking out of it for a minute. Like I kept it together and the Mexican came over

and he's like, we put the mats down. I'm like, you know, I didn't even go for it. I just got up, limped out of there, I walked out, I got in the car and I drove home, go for it. I just got up, limped out of there, I walked out, I got in the car, and I drove home, still probably in shock. You know, I came home and I chilled, and by now or later, my legs started hurting. And then by now or later, my wife came home with mercy. They were doing something and fucking,

my wife goes, let me see it. And she's like, Joe, just things don't swell up. That night I did not sleep at all, at home. I finally got out of bed at six, and I just went to the living room. And one of the girls who was staying here that night, the mom texted me and she goes, how the night going, I go great.

And she goes, I could see you're up early. And I go, yeah, I'm always up early in the morning. And she goes, I was young, right? And I go, I fucking fell last night. I thought I ripped my Achilles tendon. Because my leg got really fucking hard in the middle of the night. Like I couldn't even go to the bathroom.

But it was real, guys. So she made a call for me. Because she just had a Achilles surgery and they got me in there. Thank God it's just some tendons that I stretched and I fucking few muscles and dog, I don't wish to paint on anybody, especially when I stand on it. So I'm pretty much sitting here for three days like a swami with no salami. I'm pissing the fucking bottle because the paint those day gave me I haven't taken his shit so I'm pissing the fucking bottle. Because the paint those daygay me having taken these shit,

so I'm backed up. I started eating, wow, they're not being far, it's just smell like newer. So it's coming out in a time, I'm not crawling the bathroom like fucking Lazarus, just to get you to come back. Thought I cannot step on it. I cannot step, I get that scary. That's a scary time in your life when you know

I can't fucking step on it. If there's a fire, I'm getting lit up. I ain't going to know where you got to drag me out of here. Jesus Christ, why do you think there's gonna be a fire in there? There's not gonna be a fire. There's a yeah, the thing. That's why one guy said, no, you don't. That thing a different thing. That's why one I see people. There's things that I think. No, it's not anxiety. It's planning ahead. It's like when I see people and they're at a fucking bar and they got flip-flops on. What if I break that and some of these steps on your foot? You lose your flip-flop and you get a beaten because you lost your flip-flop. Now you got to walk on without a flip-flop or a black eye. Who wants to live like that? Do you? So you can plan ahead, you're gonna go to a bar. You wear some combat boots bitches.

Shink gets down your fucking side kicking motherfuckers. Even though you don't know Karate, it might save your fucking life in the plan. What do you think you're doing? But that is I'm just trying to drop it on you while it's hot. I haven't been able to have a flip-flops for like an over a decade now. And tonight I did see three ABXs, but I mixed them with bees. One of those. Other ones. Milk chocolate, see the milligrams. I can't.

What is it? I have no idea. I'm blind as a bat. The whole bar is 2500. Jesus Christ. Pooches, mooches, dominoches. Boom, you get 16 pieces. So do the matter.

You're in accounted. I am in accounted. Boom, let's do it. 16 pieces. No, 16. 156 in a quarter. Beast, right? Yeah. So right here you got 156 times four.

625. Salud. It's Tuesday morning. You know what I'm saying? Get your life together, boys and girls. It's getting real out there. You ain't got time to think and procrastinate. This is it. I got to adjust this so you can see it's my big nose. All right. Whatever. That'll work. That works, buddy. I'm now for a word from my sponsor. Ha ha ha. Hey, let's take a break from the check-in. Listen, there's really a lot to be thankful for this year,

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Thank you for your time. Thank you for your time. Thank you for your time. Thank you for your time. Thank you for your time. Hope New York or text hope New York for six Seven three six nine if you're okay. You got yourself in check download the draft King sports book at Wrestling cold Joey and let's get the party started get your fight hours get 150 in bets and play a little Wheel of Fortune. I love you guys and now back to the show. We're back, you fucking savages. The chocolate was delicious. And now, we're here.

Lee, what's going on with you? Why are you drinking water for? Because I'm thirsty. Another 600, you know what I'm saying? Jesus Christ. We're out training while I trained this weekend. I had no choice. I had the pain in my leg.

So the first night, I tried to be a boy scout and I'd take the other ones, I broke down on Friday night and I had popped like 800. And you know what, we as was crazy, they sell marijuana as this, it helps with anxiety, it helps you sleep, it releases pain, it relieves pain. You read these things and you go, I don't know.

I don't fucking know. And then you get a two take. And there's no pain medication. You're taking town or I had to go, leave nothing's working. You're on your third day. And one night, you just wake up when you're frustrated, you smoke some reef up.

You see what happens. You're gonna put the joint away, wake up and say, fuck, and Joey's a jerk off. And you're gonna get ice, you're gonna put it on your face and later and put the TV on and watch the news. And next thing you know, you're gonna realize, you don't hurt, because it took your mind away from it.

That's what it does. It takes your mind away from the pain. And listen, you're still going to have pain, but you're even going to go, holy shit, my pain went away for 20 minutes. That's fucking weird. And as much as you don't want to say, well, it must have been the comfort sauce my grandmother brought from Poland just, you know, because I tell you, I don't believe that statement. You know, but, you know, I got my medical malone license the first time on an anxiety, no sleep basis. Do I get anxiety? Yes. And can I, my biggest one is sleep. But for years, I always smoked in the morning and then never throughout the day and then at night. So I would get really double blasted. And like a full sleep, it would be like, keep the netable from me back then.

But, you know, 50 years, it's going to happen till the lungs and your body adjusts to different things and now, you know, I live with that. So, what up with you? How's comedy dog enough about me? What the fuck, what the fuck you been? How many shows you do last week? I did a lot. I did probably, I did probably eight to 10.

Listen, like on Tuesdays, I want a number. You should always, what'll we discuss last week? I don't know. I'll give you a t-shirt. Well, how many sets you did and broke them down a lot of times? Like, if you come to my country, I'm gonna check your credentials. What you do?

I did nine spots. I ate three dicks. You know, one of them was weird, that didn't speak English. You know, what you get tired for one of those? I had a non-English speaking crowd. Oh, yeah. I don't think I've done that.

But they always throw a decoy at you. They throw the two white cousins. And one of them was probably a hot checker and that's how they sell you I'm going in there and then you get in there and it's always surprised as you're walking through the doors to get there You get that certain scent You go back that you throw in your aim cereal and they're all looking at you with. You got to check as you're walking out. You're like, what happened?

They're like, oh, they don't speak English. Then why'd you bring me here? I just went up there. I cut it going up there, playing in kazoo and they were like, more than me just going up. Have you got, have you got got the kazoo yet dog. No, what do you mean? You're gonna get a kazoo when kids are not bombing your mother.

And you should go and stay. You're a joke, bombs hit the kazoo one time. If you hit if you die with four jokes, you hit the kazoo four times. Bob, boom. So how do I think that people are gonna like that? Yeah, who knows? You gotta try everything for a while. You just buying time to become one of the biggest comedy stars in the world.

So this is when you experiment. And I have to have the kazoo every time I bomb. Like I remember early on, like my second, third year, I was bombing, especially at that place as a host. I was just going up that a bomb. Yeah, during the feature act and the headline with a stray face, like nothing happened. Like I don't drink, but right off, I got on stage, I'd be drinking like double fucking Roman Cokes and shit. Like I don't even know right off I got on stage I'd be drinking like double fucking Roman coax and shit like I don't even know what I drank back then But you know it was I had to figure out how to be better than the early a week

And I still remember as corny as it is putting on a Madonna thing like the Vogue video with the cones I actually dug that down in dirty and put the cones on them on time and with the cones. I actually dug that diamond dirty and put the cones on them one time. In like 93, I mean it doesn't count now it's not on record but I'm telling you the truth. I don't know the stupid shit I did but a couple weeks had improvised because it was the same audience week. It was remember it was $15 to get in and you got a prime rib with a big potato and a free bowl of shrimp. So they went to a Y's for comedy and I would say they really want to watch comedy. No, they went there for the for the $15 steak. If you pay for the steak, you got a free comedy ticket.

So that was the hang that you stayed for the thing. You know, many times you couldn't even get them to look up. I've done those yet. They're eating, they're eating. And that prime rib honest to God was a lot better than I was back then. And they would eat right in front of you. And then I remember going home and going, I got it. I'm not going to get labs.

I'm going to get these savages to just look at me. And that's how I started. I just broke it down into different levels. I was there for two years, man. And for listen, when I got out of there, I was still a shitty comic, but I had a good understanding of what was going on because I worked with national headlines every week. They weren't the best national headlines, but I worked with a lot of people

I I caught up with years later in LA and I said oh my god. We work at the broker in 92 oh shit, that's right. So it's kind of weird, you know, so you never know but So you never know. But it was the host is crazy. Like I was, I had, I got asked to feature randomly or out of the blue on Friday and I had like probably, I told you like I felt like I was bombing in front of managers or bookers. And I did so well, they came over and hugged me. I had probably one of the best sets of my time doing stand-up. And I could hear when you spoke to me that night that you were very happy. Oh, it was just everything went well.

And it just, you know what, this weekend showed me was how important the audience is, like just, but like not like how they can change things. But and then Saturday, I went to host and the same material just like they weren't, they were just smiling, like they were smiling, like they were happy, but they just didn't, I would just say think that 24 hours earlier was getting hugs. And then they were just like, not even at all. The hosting part is so born to me. I feel like I've been doing pretty well, I've been doing stand up, but I'm not doing a great job as a host. Okay, you got to tackle your fears. You got to tackle this shit

that you have an hard time with. Like I said, anybody could feature anybody could headline real quick. You see how it happens. And then they become headlines in your area. And that's what they do the rest of their lives. And I don't know. I was always very, I don't know what the word is, noble or whatever that I thought that I had to become. Then it was, listen, featured on Tuesday night for me at that place. I feel like two years I got it down, but then I went on the road as an MC. No, no, I mean, MC and at the Boulder broker,

I was, you know, I didn't kill every week, but towards the end, I knew I'd have worked in the room, a lot better when I walked in now. But the true test was going on the road as an MC and learning the business side of it. And that's a side right there that kills most people. on the road as an embassy and learning the business side of it. And that's a side right there that kills most people. You're the enathmen to have to make, huh? Like the enathmen to have to make?

Like what do you mean the business side of it? You know welcome, you come up on stage, okay? What's going on? My name is Lisa. Yeah, yeah, I'm Jewish. I get it. Buh-buh-buh. You do your 30 minutes, You get the fuck off stage.

Okay. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. I don't know. 60 seconds. They know if they like you or they don't. Okay. Like anything else in life. Now you're coming up going. Welcome to fucking Lisa. Yeah. It's comedy club. My name is Pete Patel. I welcome to our show. We got a great line of feet tonight. Joe Rogan's in the house. You feature act, Joey Diaz. And we're gonna have a great show. Don't forget the special tonight is the Burning Asshole.

If you buy one, you get one free. Now you got to write it. You know, I don't know if it's burning ass off. It could be a great amount. It could be a martini. But you just went from becoming a comic to kind of becoming a self. And then you four minutes of material and you'll get a light and the guy goes, to learn how to go coming next week. The great crystal clear and the week after that. Fuckin Whitney Cummings is coming.

Whatever. That's commonly called boners that'll make you read the whole fucking calendar from September 24th all the way and don't forget. The host of the morning show will be here on New Year's Eve doing his thing and you actually have to go up then go New Year's Eve. Talk it just took you away for three minutes of your 15 fucking minutes. You just had to talk about the schedule who's gonna be there and the two drink minimum and now you gotta go back to your material it takes fucking a lot of you need to do that. You're not gonna walk off the street and just do that like that. Yeah, you might pull off one or maybe two times But eventually you're gonna catch up with it. You're gonna fucking struggle until you know how to balance it

It took me years to become a host and Once I became a feature act. I still missed it Even in Seattle, I still kept like Joey Diaz on Wednesday nights. We do Joey Diaz and his flying mumbles. And it was always Brody and Josh. And then Tuesday night, it was an open mic. Monday night was summer. And Thursday night, if the headline was only working Friday and Saturday, it was Brody's

show, Got Rested So, and it was fucking me Friday and Saturday. It was Brody's show, got registered so, and it was fucking me, Josh Wolf, the same thing, we only rotated. I did those, yeah, I did it for the small 50, but I did those because somewhere in me, I wanted to learn how to host. And I still remember going to the comedy store years later Now was a feature on the road the comedy store has 15 minute spots and

One day like after I was there like I don't fucking know two years Ready so though off of me the driving job in the van It was 15 hours a week and I'm at the store mingling and shit. I was already a regular. So I wasn't doing it to be in anybody's ass. I was already in. I was just looking for something to do in a daytime and it paid, I don't know, 10 bucks an hour or whatever, 12 an hour. You went to the bank, you made deposits, you picked up lumber at the fucking hardware store in Beverly Hills, and you picked up a tongue sandwich from it's he sure got rest of the soul.

That was your job. From 12 to 5 or from 10 to 5, that was your job on Friday. Then you got paid and you went to La Jolla, or you went and you did a Friday night gig somewhere. And then Freddie didn't want the hosting gig. So he's like, Joey, you wanted to paste 25 bucks and I'm like, which one? To fucking tent to close. That's when the hitters come in.

And I had been doing it every Sunday. And I really wanted to just host on the hitters came in and dog, that made me a fucking killer That really did at that level Was I I was headlining was I real I line up? Fuck no, I was just getting 12 15 hundred a week It was a little extra to plane ticket. That's why I was doing the kind of manager who booked me at these clubs I wasn't a headliner. I was doing in the Canada manager who booked me at these clubs. I wasn't a headliner.

I was a mediocre feature with 28 minutes. I had a stretch now to 45. How bad do you really think I was? Really fucking bad. Unless I improvise and hit the lottery that night. But unless, and that's when you did Tuesday through Sunday. So, I'm, yeah. You did Tuesday through Sunday. You feel awesome. Monday, you did laundry Monday night. You hugged up with your

girlfriend, you bought some weed and you got back on a plane Tuesday morning, gee. I'm sure it gets old, but do you like it a little bit? Like when you first started doing it, like, fuck, I'm done all these shows. And then they added the midnight show on Saturday. And I was the king of those. I loved them. And I remember one time Buffalo added one, the funny bone.

And you know me, though, I'm the type of motherfucker. If you got a party and it's gonna be good, I'm gonna go up there. I actually call the funny bone. They're like, stop by. We'll cover you a whole town. We'll give you percentage of the door. I walked in there.

It was like, Mass Square Guard on a fucking Saturday night. It was like, Mass Square Guard, because the people come all from Canada. Wow. Come on now, son. It's at like 320 people that had wings and they had fucking all buffalo shit. It was across this tree from a Wegmans and their wings were even bigger than fucking a comedy club. It was a great experience. So I started doing it any time I was in this

area. I would stop and Buffalo and sad. They might get the whole tower room, hang out with the fucking owner and then he closed the club, the owner robbed the place. It became a damn boy in the rest of his three. The Buffalo funny bone went down. That's how quickly it goes down. So appreciate it. Why you got it. That's a lesson. You know what I'm saying? Well, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's Again, it started Tuesday, Wednesday, and that week we had Thursday or Friday, Becana became a five spot weekend. So from Friday to Thursday, and then we did the midnight show. So as a feature back then, I would make okay money in Buffalo, showing up for one night on Saturday. You know, like me, I like him. I like what he was doing.

It just wasn't a show. He put music. He had a DJ. He was already doing that 98. He was already doing that. The front was a party. There was an after party for the show. He did the midnight show right, you know.

But then people just became acts. They would start the midnight show at 1245. Why have a midnight show? Because the one over is fucking time on purpose, because he's a fucking prick head. So when the 1245, the 1245, everybody was doing midnight shows, and they started at 1245, you know how long that show lasts it should last to half hour It should last out That's it. You're not gonna hold their attention. There are already three quarters in the bag

Now you made them wait for 45 minutes Outside whatever training it's snowing. It's 90 degrees, you know How do you think they're gonna fucking be and I'm not Predetermining an audience. I don't you to think I'm doing it, but imagine Imagine on a Saturday you paid for a baby center midnight show you got a whole tour room So you could bang it till fucking sick. She's got a home and mom three kids You know, whatever the story is. I don't know what the story is that but that's That's the reality of it.

I always wondered because I always thought it like going to the late show would be better as like a fan because I thought like the comic would have more time to like fuck around but like as the comic that early shows I think you're right. Like the first thing when you said midnight show, like, oh, they're gonna be drunk. They're gonna be like, Hammond. Yeah. Hammond. Hammond, it's Saturday night.

What the fuck do you think they did? They met at eight o'clock for dinner, and they started pounding my tiniest. And after dessert came, they started doing lines of coke because you can't control yourself. You tell yourself, I'm gonna hold on to it. To the comic home most gets off. That's never gonna happen.

So now you're chatty. Right, now you give some to your girlfriend and she gives some to your girlfriend and now three people are the sexist chipped chat and at the fucking table. So trust me, I've gone through all this shit. That's why you don't see too many midnight shows anymore. They just finally said it's a recipe for destruction. It became I don't like starting a show like that. Okay, listen, we're gonna start at 1210. I can live with that, 1245.

I want my money back. Come on, man. 1245. That means I'm not gonna leave. Yeah, I'm not gonna get a cocktail to one. I used to do those in Miami, dog. And I learned a rough comedy at midnight. But I also told them if I

feature I'm only doing 20 minutes. What do you mean dog? The attention span you're just killing yourself to live. They're really here to see that line up. They're really here to see that line. The place is so that not because I'm had line it but because whoever it is had line it let him do 45 I do 15 the MC does 10 we get the fuck out of here that's doesn't sound like a bad idea yeah and now the natives won't be restless and we could do what the fuck we do so So yeah, I don't know how long I'm gonna be down for. I don't know if I, you know, this is it. And I've been enjoying it. You know, I live in the basement pretty much. I can't even go upstairs to my bed.

Now you don't go upstairs? You live in the room? No. I can't go up to flight to stairs. There's no fucking way. I break the fuck. It's just too painful. I have to stand up.

I have to take a bad standing up like a prisoner of war in my living room naked with a towel underneath me. You know I have a shave the war. A shave today without a fucking heat shower. Are you fucking kidding me? How the shave like fucking raw like prison shower. When I do that shit I always think of prison like a shave fucking without you can't shave a shower Some you'll shave your ass hole fucking stab you at that time. You got to have your hands close to the cool Are you? Ain't no, no, no, you grow a beard look like Ari. Yeah, you're fucking shaving prison.

Well, I mean, look at Facebook, I'm not like you're like the rest of your body. Oh, let me tell you something, you put a razor to your balls, 99 to one odds, you're going down in a fucking and the men's something, they're just gonna find you mangled at that. With a fucking ball in your mouth with an apple,

that says, I love sandals. You won't be hearing from the war. I have no idea. Oh, yeah. You go on that shower and fight. It's like I've seen in the Wolf of Wall Street when the guy's cleaning out his fish tank. And my face takes the fish out and eats it

Listen in prison if you even pull that shit like you're gonna shot with a man's game with the eight minutes That's it. You're gonna get gang raped and minutes. That's it. You're gonna get gang raped and they're gonna do it for you. You got 16 years anyway. You're shaving your balls, they're gonna last for you. If you're in prison, you gotta stay primitive. Harry Yard, bitch. Yeah, I brought us gotta go fucked up. You don't brush your teeth. That's what I thought. That's what I thought. That's why I was like, I can't not brush my teeth. We're gonna have to brush your teeth. You got to brush your teeth.

Like, so you gotta be primitive. You gotta be ready to bite a mother fucker. That's another weapon. I bit that mother fucker. I didn't brush my teeth for 89 days. Something will happen to him. No. No.

No. No. No. No. That's quite a quote. Are you kidding me? I mean, I mean, so beans and shit, you know, I got shit growing in my mouth. I mean, sushi at night. You want to fuck me? I'll bite you in a fucking neck. You'll go down like 24 hours. It's not gonna be immediately, like a snake bite in a neck and shooting that poison that makes you phone from the mouth.

But, but what? I don't know. We've got the other bulls have kicked them, the chocolates kicked them, you know. Yes they have. Oh my God. Yeah, I forgot you took more. Jesus Christ. No, they're 600. It's Tuesday. I don't see the doctor until Wednesday. It's a Zoom meeting with the doctor. It's telehealth. We can get them enjoy bananas. Actually, I was wondering if you're opinion on something.

Hit me. Hold on. It was. I walk. That sounds like fucking Willie Cologne's trombone. That one. And anyway, go ahead, darling. Anyway, go ahead, Donnie.

I need you living on. Why, you. The basement I'm done here, nobody can hear this. The eye of my mom's dead. They got the soundproof room up there. And I don't know, mercy in here or anything. But the cat was here for a little while. That's the first time I had a real live animal in the studio. The cat was here, chilling.

He just let the butt, seven minutes ago. I don't know if she was there, that's funny. You bet you think this week, did you lose any money? No, I actually won two. Say what you were gonna say, I'm sorry. You had some. Oh, okay. I could talk about that in two,

but I was wondering what your opinion on work from home is. Because I was talking with somebody and he was saying he's got his job switched to work from home and it's driving him nuts a little bit, not going into the office. And I've been doing it for two years and you know listen, I have opinions. If I tell you that I'm giving you a job and you could stay at home and not wash your feet and being on the way at till five o'clock, a little motherfuckin hermit like yourself will take the job. Because you actually enjoy being home. You actually, you told me you didn't like going into the office when I used to make you edit all the jobs or at night anyway. And you imagine having a night job editing out of your house. No.

Beyond. Oh yeah. We're refrigerator. Your food, you're prepared. You're going to be up on that. If you want to do something and take an hour, 35 minutes, you can. So the problem with, listen, when COVID came and people, people found love with the idea of working from home. Who wouldn't? Who fucking wouldn't? You know, I could see if I worked 10 minutes from here, but could you imagine if you lived while living that again to the city every day by 7, 3 in the morning, you got to leave your five in the fucking morning and then that would have went to land in fucking poor authority. And God knows what could happen to you five in the fucking morning outside of poor authority. And then you have to walk some

more of your job or whatever. So what was the question? What you thought about work from home. So then they offer you fucking work from home. And it's pretty fucking cool. But I really don't know what you're doing. And a couple of years ago, I remember you and I discussed in this, that they did like a survey of how much people really worked from their job. But like 2015, I'm going to discuss this with somebody. They did a survey of how much IT people, people who work at an office exactly work. And eight out of a day, they work like three and a half hours because there's too much shit to fidget around with. So my point is,

if that could happen to you in an office, what's going to happen to you at home when your girlfriend just came out of the shower, she walks past you with a phone on and no top on the poor coffee. You're gonna pull that zoom wire. You. You. The wires are going out. Made it, made it. You can pull that wire.

So I know if I'm a business owner, do I want people working from home five days a week? I don't see these people. Listen, if I was doing powder in my day, and you gave me a day job in the house, are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me with it? That's half the party right there.

I don't have to get up in the morning. I just got to go on the computer and go, you know what, my camera's not working. I hit the blackout, and I could talk to you, do coke like fucking, what's his name? Uh, to do from Wolf on Wall Street. But he should I'll tell her whatever his fucking name is. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. It's one of those names. Fucking Giovanni. Whatever, whatever his fuckin' name is. Giovanni Giannini, why'd you give him one name

for a composer fuckin' me? Giovanni Giannini and shit. So I think that if the employee is, I think that what the fuck are you laughing about? I think I'm gonna be talking you laughing about? I'm going over time. Like I trust you. If I own a top 500 company and I had to pay you 250 and you were the back-bond of the operation,

you said to me, I'd rather work home. I got a kid and a daughter and my wife's pregnant. I trust you. I'm gonna go over there one time. I wanna look at your operation. I wanna make sure your refrigerator is, I trust you. I'm gonna go over there one time. I want to look at your operation. I want to make sure your refrigerator is not next to you and I'm gonna give you a few books on organizing. So you know this is great for people. You know Joey I always thought about joining a fucking yoga class. There's one at 10 o'clock. So that means now after you put your kit on the bus, you could run it and work from 8 to 9 30. Get the morning

started, send out your emails, go to yoga class, stop for a smoothie, come back. There's no kids around. So now you go straight to three o'clock. All right, you can go straight to three, four, whatever the baby said, it picks them up, whatever the fuck you need to pick them up. So now we know we have an understanding. You're going to work eight to three, five days a week and three days you're going to work eight to nine, 30 and whatever. She go to yoga. I can live with that, Lee. I can live with that. We timed your day out. You have a great schedule. When you come back, I'd rather you go to yoga 10. You know why? Because whenever problems you got in the morning, you could work out in your brain during yoga. So when you come back, I'm going to

get better time. Why are you going to be better mentally prepared? You're not going to have any days. The edible I gave you last night's gonna be out because you sweat it all out of yoga. Even if you just go to regular yoga, you understand my point here, whether it's yoga, karate, lifting weights, if you wanna play one of those fucking swords with a mask on, I want you to get out

because you're gonna be stale to me at 12.30. I know this. I know this. You're gonna be stale the same way I would be stale to me at 1230. I know this. I know this. You're gonna be stale the same way I would be stale. I know when I get up in the morning, I want to fucking leave the house, run out of your naked, run through the bushes for three minutes, and then walk back with my fucking earphones on, and listen to the music, you know, and then I want to do some work because I planned out my day in that little exercise movement. When I walked the neighborhood for 20 minutes in the morning, I have a way better daily. And then I do what I got to do when I stop at

the gym or I go to Jiu-Jitsu, whenever I take that 20 minute walk, I have a way better day. So, I meant like mentally you have a way better day. So. And like, did meant like mentally you have a better day? Yes. Yes. I don't know how like how, what made it like, how did you just figure out that was the, like the difference maker like. I think what human beings, we've got a lot of fucking shit thrown at us.

Now you go into a job at eight o'clock and The world's falling apart the UPS driver got a flat so he's running late Fucking the artwork is running late This guy didn't show up to work because he got arrested last night and now you got to deal with all this by ten o'clock With all this shit that's getting into your mind, now you need this at your job. How are you going to be the rest of the day? If I let you take a breather at 10 o'clock, because I trust you and you trust me, we'll switch it up. I'll come in three days or we can cover your ship. You come in Tuesday and Thursday and cover mine. And at least you get out, you're not

in the fucking house for eight hours. I don't know anybody that should be in a house from eight to four working for anybody. That's just my opinion, because I can't do it. That's like being in prison. You want to be in prison? I think that's what a lot of people are doing. Like that's, and I like my job by Monday, eight to five. Well, it is a lot of time. American gives you all these survey numbers all the time.

And I think sometimes they pull the numbers out of their ass. I'm no fucking major league economist. But I think any smart person will take it, you're trying to as an employee or I'm trying to get the best le I can. I'm trying to get the best le I can. So do I think personally I want to keep me in the house and underwear at a fucking nice plaid jacket on from fucking 9 to 3 without getting a dose of sunlight. You want to stand there 8 to 10 and go for a walk for a now and come back at 12. Either sandwich and get back on the computer. I'm okay with that too.

I'm okay with that too. Yeah, they definitely talk about that, especially. I mean, it's something I was doing a lot of. And I would agree, it actually makes a lot of sense. Now, let's say you have to work and your wife is home. I love my wife. I love my wife. What I do is I don't want to lurk. So now you have to work in the morning and she's in the other room.

Lee, you never told me about that wedding on December 26. Meanwhile, you got some guy from some podcast company, you got another guy on a hold, you got a zoom, his camera went out, and she wants to know if you go to the wedding on November 26. Hold on, let me get the fucking gun. You know what I'm saying? Like, hold on, I need this right now, December 26th. So there's so many distractions at the house. That's the other thing. So it all depends. It all depends what you could do. That's my opinion on it. Listen to me. I want to work at the house, but guess what? I'm not sitting here all fucking day. So let me get Scoot Doodle out of here. Let me catch a jujitsu from 12 to 1 three times a week.

And after I won't break your boss. But Tuesday and Thursday, I'm going to be the best fucking Joey Dears. You'll love to see because I got peace of mind from going to jujitsu. I want you to do something. I don't want you to send in the desk. No vitamin fucking be eating processed food, hunched over. I'm just going to get an employee, you know, I don't want that either. Everybody says they everybody always says, you know, I'm concerned about you Lee, well, they don't help me. You know, don't bring pointy to cheeseburgers to my house. You know, it's just so weird. I heard me want to fucking help you. But,

not that's just my opinion. You know, I'm a married man. I got a kid in here. I couldn't imagine having to do work in my back office with mercy lurking around. Right. That is is different. But when there's like school versus no school, and like the summer is definitely different. But you were asking me about, uh, about gambling too. How'd you do this week at Tawzit? I actually want two bets. Bum, but I'm notTIN Yes I want like $55 I went to the casino twice I played Blackjack

It was fun At the casino or online At the casino they don't have it on the app in Massachusetts Feel like you, for example I know you and I know you love walking through a casino Oh yeah Being in a casino And I've seen your whole mood chill,

and you're very excited. And it's the first time you fit, don't hurt. You're just freaking a casino, you know what I'm saying? You're like a gay dude on gay pride. You just roaming this street, jumping up and down with no bikini out. So like, draft King Casino, and he with no beginning. So like, Draft King Casino, Eddie Casino.

Mm-hmm. You like it, but not really. I like it, but it's, um, I like being in person. I, I, I, because I love playing cards. I will play cards. It's always fun to play cards. Me on the other hand, I would love to go and play fucking slots

and maybe play a dollar table with Blackjack with you. But then I think about the drive to AC parking, walking down there, and I'm gonna get mugged on the way out I'm gonna get hit in the head when I get my car. I mean and It's a lot of fucking walking down there. So you better bring your roller skate bitch So I can't do any of that shit So I love doing what I got to do and 11th or your little break is doing a little drive in Casino. I'll do that before I have to go to Jiu-Jitsu. I'll give myself a

15 minute window and fucking have a good time on myself that. I love on a minute of Jersey. And then the rest of the day I'm off. I don't have to do deck, I don't have to gamble. I don't know what I'm gonna fucking want me to bet tonight. I have no idea, it's Buffalo against somebody. I have no idea, but it's Monday night. You never know what's gonna happen. Everybody's saying that Buffalo hasn't covered

the last four weeks or the last four prime time game. I'm not into another little stats anyways. So you look at it, you see what you're like and take your chances shorty, you know what I'm saying? It's fun. I mean, feel it by your comedy lately. Do you feel a growth? Do you?

It's weird. It's confidence. It was very strange. I had like one of the best and one of like the worst sets of my life like back to back Which was fun But I feel like I am getting a lot better like and let's put you said because I called you and I was like I asked you a question and we were talking about hosting and you're like well when you're ready to feature Well you'll feature my wife feel like I have a pretty good feature. I got honestly do feel like I can do a very good feature job, but hosting.

Which is very different. So like I'm as good as I feel like I'm doing in some ways. I'm like, I found out I'm not doing very well in others. I'll tell you what. Right now, if I was tell you what Right now If I was managing you with a plan Right now I would keep you out of the a rooms as a feature and if they wanted to MC you I would keep you on the scene and then and get them fall in love with Lee

Even though I don't think I'm that good of a host? Nope, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because they're not really worried. They're gonna watch you, you're likable, you don't drink, you don't cause no problems, you get some laughs up there, you get along with the feature, you're on time. There's so many other things they really look at. And then you gotta, you gotta credit. and also in boom, there you are.

Right now, the love you're going to get, 85% of is from Be Room Feature. They're going to fuck and put you on instantly. You know, right now, A Room Feature, and first of all, the truth of the matter is, headline is bring their own features. So why compete with something that you're gonna get frustrated over? Nothing you can do. You go to the comedy store every fucking night

and stand there and wait for Mitchy sure to plead your case. She made her decision. Get the fuck out of here. Disappear for a year, die your hair purple, write some material and stop your whining. Do you follow me saying,

here, the attitude I came from? So you fucking go to those bedrooms, you pick up 20 weeks of fucking work in those bedrooms. I like to connect you with somebody. It's one of those guys where he did some good stuff for me. Never any good money. Always got me gigs, but there was always a by the way. It was always 50 hours different. There was no hotel, and I wouldn't get to no hotels till I just drove six hours and I was pulling my fucking Luggage out of the back and they're like, let's go tell him

Where's the hotel you got to drive 90 miles that way to get up. What are you talking about? I'm in there doing doubles and never dawned on you I'm in there snorting fucking bazooka heads in the bathroom. It never dawned on you. You used to tap me on the shoulder and say, you have a ride home. It's a, I mean, there was such just so many, one night in Baltimore stands out where I got there.

And I go, we never got a whole ton to club on the right now hotel here. He knew that and I asked the feature. What are you gonna do? She goes, like, day to't no hotel here. He knew that and I asked the feature. What are you gonna do? She goes, like, day to guy lives down here. I'm like, fuck. And that was one of those gigs where, oh yeah, you didn't get paid, oh, he'll pay you on one day.

So here I am, in fucking Baltimore with the small 20 in my pocket, I have to join and four cigarettes. You're not gonna pay me and fucking, there's no hotel room. So I thought I'd hook them up with you, but I can, it's not worth the animation. He got me gigs, but they were never good gigs.

I mean, this guy got me a gig one time on a bus. And I went, just was, I would do a bus and I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went, I went a bus. I did it for the small, it was 75 bucks. There's a lot. 75 bucks, I had to be there. Seven in the morning go back and forth to New York like two or three times. Oh, okay, I thought it was one spot. No, once I pay the results,

I do comedy on the bus when you stop in traffic, they're shooting at suicide smoke when you go on a little tunnel. People fucking breathing heavy. You're up there, listen, I just came back from the brass glistening. That's the last thing they want to hear. They headed to the Disney fucking mall

to jump up and down with the other fucking mumbles. Who goes to New York? Yeah, we're they want to hear. They head into the Disney fucking mall and jump up and down with the other fucking mall most. Who goes to New York? Yeah, we're gonna go to the Disney. What the fuck, Disney? You go to New York, the finger and tranny. You go to New York, that's some fun. You know what I'm saying? Knock it off.

Oh my God. And you had to do it three times. Well, the bus. Let me ask you something. Does it fucking matter? I don't know. We were four times. We were out of there like one o'clock.

And then they said, you're gonna get paid after and then there was a bite away to that. And then fucking, we never got an envelope from that. I forget that it's not. I forget that it was a female comic who put the gig together and this book of fucking got it all done and we never got a dime from it. So what are you gonna do? You know what? It's not work the aggravation. You do better doing other things. Great. You want to say a lot to people out there in Pubcastville. She doesn't give a Frenchman's book about now,

but she's been tremendous like the fr... I had a sleep-dining on Friday night, guys. She is. I don't like sleeping on a fucking recliner. No, it sucks. It goes out of books. I did a couple of bongets. I did the fucking pain medication.

They gave me, I sat on this couch and within like 10 minutes I had to put my fucking hoop down to tell them I'm going to school. I got up like a 40p, I pee in my little bottle, I hide it behind the bong and then I fucking get up like a 7 and I pee again and like I said since fucking Friday more let me see now since Friday night is when I started sleeping down here since fucking Saturday I've been down here guys watching old shit on fucking Hulu reading stuff from a computer you know trying to learn about the ankle how I can help recover it I I'm fucking hit. There would a fucking massage gun. I put it in an absent salt.

My wife's been great, you know, so it's gonna be a fight. I thought that, you know, I thought I'd be tip-top my glue by tomorrow. I'd be doing ballet. Doesn't look that way, guys. So I'm fucking a few days. Is that what they say? They just need rest and like rehab? Is that all you need? Is it? I'll decide in two weeks if I have to go for a physical therapy. So I'm sorry about the tour I had a cancel of Vatta Nights in Mambo. I was doing my little Mambo presentation next year. You heard? You were going to be the opening committee. next year. Take it. You heard you were going to be the opening committee. All the other way to do it. I was in a surprise on

Christmas with a checkie pool contract and we were going to start the tour February, Fox and I forget what the last Friday and February. We're going to go to two towns every weekend for eight weeks. I was going to have bring a DJ with me, DJ English, and you would be the opening MC with a Tuxedo. We got to give you a couple of words to say in English in Spanish. By that time, you don't know what the war is going to be. So you have to lose the beat.

So you could travel with us under the fucking hailius. He's not Jewish. He's Cuban. You know, I'm saying? Like a pasta, a butter for cheese. And we'll get yellow, passport, Jose Mendez or something. Well, I will sing it that way in that park. What's that park by fucking Langer's? Not Griffith, it's a dangerous one. Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

For us to speak, you ask for a dude named fucking Camacho, Camacho, Blanco, Camacho. So I'm gonna see, and you got everything, brand new, fuckin' it gives you everything, a prescription from your new glasses. He's got everything, one-stop shoppin', I think it's 1500. For 2000, he gives you a lottery ticket, for $1,000 Mexican lottery, and shit, if you win,

you win like 800,000 thousand it takes 8% to 10% you walk out there with 720 thousand dollars and then you're all doomed up who's better than you on a fucking Sunday. I love it. I have to change my identity as we were saying. Yeah, just in case it was good danger. Why are they doing a danger? Why? Why are they doing a danger? Listen, right now, what things are going on, you don't know what direction,

where the coin's gonna land there. And it can happen whenever so just pray and Keep your thoughts pure And that's it. God's like a take care of yourself and make sure you do your spots and know how many said you did every week And what your goal is every fucking month. That's the most important thing. You know When you're doing eight sets a week, six sets a week, I can't have you sweating one set.

One of the biggest pain, right now this has happened to you. Great, come over here and say hello to the people on television land. What do you think is honorable? You know, you're looking, when you were telling me the story, I thought about going like a 99, 2000, going to Houston for the weekend, somebody would fall out and Pete would put me in there or mark the rabbit, and it was shit money, but they put me in a hotel, they take me in dinner a

couple of times, I'd watch some blow when I was was there. It was nice little weekend, you know, and guess what? You kicked ass all five fucking shows. You didn't sell out. You sold out one show on Saturday and those days, you know, even if you were canceled, you could sell out the Saturday night there. It was a comedy town. It was a comedy fucking place. And here you are kicking ass. Thursday night, two shows Friday, two Saturday, but you got something on Monday, so you'll leave Sunday. And you go to the comedy store popping. You just had five great sets and he used them. The same fucking material. You take your 30 minutes set, that was on fire, or your 45 minutes

set, and you cut it down in 19. I know, Mithy gives you 20 minutes. You want to cut it to 18 just to see how the weekends, and then you can start writing something else. So this is going to be your best set of week. They bring you up, this guy is great. He just did this, coming to the stage, Lisa, you're pumped from the five fucking shows you didn't use to Texas.

You go in the woods on the road and not one of your jokes work and how you feel that. This is gonna happen forever. Feel awful. And it doesn't make any sense. It makes a ton of sense. We set out the urge, the... We send out the early urge.

We send out the energy of... You know what I'm saying? Like I just came back and killed in fucking Tawa Hasse. This is a bum club in fucking Worcester. And obviously you're sending out that message and you don't even know it. You don't even know it. It's just an energy that you had. You just destroyed a weekend weekend you just got a standing ovation on Friday night and here you are sadly with the same material and that's when I start analyzing clothes maybe I snore to coke on Friday night my energy yeah that's when you're because you're gonna keep listening. I always bond on Saturday night when I first thought that

And at that time people would say to me don't worry about it. It happens to everybody And I started believing them so one day I said, you know what? I'm not everybody That mentality's got to stop Well, you're gonna eat it on Friday nights. It's all college students and they don't laugh that Mentally asked to stop so I started booking those rooms on purpose Oh, you're gonna eat it on Friday nights. It's all college students and they don't like that mentality. I asked the staff. So I started booking those rooms on purpose just to overcome that shit.

Oh, fucking, you know, this big name came here on the Thursday and ate a bag of dicks. I mean, he was having a bad night that night. I don't give a fuck about this. There's a whole new night with a whole new fucking set of rules. And you go up there with that attitude. But when you're young, listen, I was doing comedy 10 years and I was fucking out there on my balls. I wasn't young, but comedy-wise, I was in it for 10 years. I remember three times. I remember vividly times I just came back on the road from Joe Rogan working at a fucking Cobb sell out at it shows. Not even Cobb. I don't want to say

Cobb's because I used to die in that too. I don't know. I just came back with Rogan from somewhere and now I go to the comedy store and I'm like, fuck, this is going to be easy tonight. And you die. And you get off the stage and you buy two bags of coke and you try to figure out what happened. And yeah, the inside of you wants to say to the audience, but at the end, the one thing about this podcast, I stress with you and I stress with you on comics that I get minted is to We kind of play myself I don't way to blame the air conditioner. I don't want you to blame the Boston Celtic game was on

Till 10 30 and then they wanted to keep it on with the pool tables that happens everywhere guys And if you start making excuses now, you're gonna get tangled up in them. Gulp them to your best. Make sure you're right to set down. Make sure you write down what you did and be honest with yourself at night. Did you really fucking kill or did you really fucking bomb? Don't tell me every night if I check your notebook that you killed. I want to see that, you know what, my first four minutes were good then something happened. I want to see that you know what my first four minutes were good then something happened. I'll view the tape and get back to you and I'm going to see a different pen writing in that with different handwriting. You know why I want to see that because I didn't do that and I wish I would have.

I want back and listen to your set and comment. Yeah. I fucking hate looking at myself Last thing I want to do oh my god, you're looking Chinese and you're looking like mr. Fuji Those animals are back firing They are right. We're both for a couple. We were talking about you were talking about you had a tour to come back to do stand up You what? You said you were you fucking allowed or was that real?

What? He said you had to tell you we were gonna go do stand up again. Lee, have you lost your mind? Go bang against the wall. Were you tensed times? We weren't going all the way. That was a fake commercial. I don't know.

I felt bad. We both forgot we were talking about. I think you were announcing you're coming back. No, no, no, we're talking about fucking doing spots and eat the bag of dick and trying to figure out the blame and knowing that you have percentages going against you knowing that. Listen, I hate Sunday nights. So what do I do? I started going out on Sunday nights locally. I'm not standing in your fucking town for a Sunday, but if I'm not gonna do a spot in your fucking town, I'm definitely going back to LA to a spot. That was my personal rule to see if everything worked, everything balanced itself out. And you know what? I got better as time went on. So don't judge your career on one fucking set. Don't say it yourself. I was doing great till then. Listen, you're

gonna have these every fucking week. It's like me two weeks ago in pneumonia. No, I fucking fell and pulled my ligaments. Who explains this shit, Joey? We're not even looking to fucking, you know, I get you. You think I want to be sitting on the fucking chair for three days, but this is what happens, my brother. So where you before I know I'm gonna feel that don't worry about nothing. I don't actually have about since we only talk about the upcoming week. I don't have any upcoming shows a little over a week. But it's coming week you have just open mics. There's open mics, that's what you get. That's a show over a week. But it's coming week. You have just open mics.

There's other mics as we get. That's a show in my world. I know you. I know you're not opening up for Rodney Thursday night and Shadow. You know, I know this. But in our world right now for where we're doing what we're trying to do here, where your spots at this week. There'll be a Ralph's at in Worcester on Tuesday. And then Wednesday night, I'll probably be at Ricks and Woon's

Hocket and the Black Zone in Worcester. Thursday, there's the hotel for the Worcester. So I'm very proud of you, Parker. You're working it. I'm watching you. We're like a management team here, we're trying to help each other. So it's great to see you doing this. It really is. And it inspires the hell out of me.

Not to do a mumbo tour with you, but just to see you fucking do your thing. And you believe, you know what I mean? He believed I was gonna do a mumbo. I got no point to go what instrument are you playing are you dancing like How you ever do the tour if your legs not heal he just that damn I my Johnny Cheney Looking at me. I swear to God for a couple minutes there you look like fucking the dude from karate kid the first one I swear to God. I was a lucidated. I don't know what happened But anyway, thank you very much Lee. I'll see you next Tuesday next

Same bad time same bad channel and that said now For a word from my motherfucking sponsors the fucking sponsors. Listen, if you want to get it on, you're going to have to get it up. All right. And Bruce, you can help you. Joey, it's a Tuesday morning. Why are you starting with this? Good listen. It's the holiday season. You want to get Santa Claus ready to give our young moms. Listen, few people don't know. Blue Choo, it's an online service

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