Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Episode #16 - When I was 20 I met a girl that was a pilgrim

Episode Date: December 18, 2023

This week on The Check In Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about something Joey never did during his stand up career that he regrets now, why he is much more excited for Christmas than ever before, and Joey's plan for Cuban Lives Matter. Support the show & get 20% off your order at https://www.liquidiv.com with code JOEY   Support the show & get Factor for 50% off at https://www.factormeals.com/DIAZ50 & use code DIAZ50   New customers can score $150 instantly in bonus bets for throwing down just $5 on the NBA. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app & use code JOEY   This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ & get on your way to being your best self.  

Greetings. It's Tuesday, the 19th Uncle Joey here, ready for Freddie. The check-in is brought to you by liquid IV. I know you savages are out there parting like unbelievable when you need to recover fast. Turn to liquid IV. Listen. You're jumping up and down. It's Christmas. You're drinking eggnog with Stamink and juice in it, you got this, you got this, you need to stay hydrated. Look what I've got, get your hydrated, two times faster than water alone, and it even comes in a sugar free. Let me tell you something, they launch three new flavors, the white peach tremendous, the green grape out of this world, the lemon lime, it's like gatorade and heat, and all three

of them will set you on fire after a long night of jumping up and down and doing other things. You know what I'm saying? I've been there, but I'm not there anymore. Now I drink liquid IV keeps me alive in the morning. You understand me? After a cup of coffee, I drink a little liquid IV, a white peach. I put that thing in it to help me out. And boom, no gluten, soy, dairy or GMOs and no artificial sweeteners either. I don't even know what GMOs are. Sugar is replaced with an amino acid aloe loth blend, which has the same taste and texture, a table sugar. It's tremendous. Try the white

peach. You'll put in a different dimension. You understand me? Grab your liquid IV hydration multiplier in bulk. Nationwide at Costco. Tremendous. They got a bunch of flavors. They even got combo packs now. So you can try a bunch of different combo packs. Or get 20% off when you go direct to liquidiv.com. Use cold Joey.

Listen, Uncle Joey is gonna save you 20%. Start the 2024, who will liquidiv, you're gonna love it. I'm gonna give you 20% off, anything you order when you shop for better hydration today. Use in promo code Joey, J-O-E-Y at liquidiv.com. That's liquidiv.com. That's liquidiv.com. The check-in is also brought to you by

da da da da. Factor. Listen, if you're trying to eat bed in 2024, make it easy on yourself with Factor. Factor is America's number one ready meal delivery service that sends chef prepared dietitian approved meals right to your door. They take two minutes to prepare to prepare. You just heat them up in the

microwave on a skillet and you're all set. Tip top magu, not waiting in line to grocery store, no chopping, prepping or cleaning up, just an awesome meal right there when you want them. The thing I like about this most is listen after us on the go. We're trying to eat healthy. This is where Factor comes in. They got 35 meal options to choose from every week. So you'll have much more variety. They come vegan vegetarian protein plus calorie, smart meals, and you'll never skimp on flavor. Right now, head to factameals.com. Slash, DS50. That's DS50. Go to factameals.com and pressing code DS50. You ready for this? I'm going to get you 50% off. Who's better at factameals? Nobody.'s Diaz 5-0 at facta-meals.com slash Diaz 5-0 to get your 50% off.

All right, let's get this party started. I'm on your TV, run for your lives. It's over. They can put you on this planet just to get up. I thought, well, Joey, you can do it. I can't do theking rule the world. I think you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to Sheldon!

Yeah! Never do that! The lighting looks different. It looks like a greenish and a blue today. You know how we do it, dog. We're trying to diversify over here, you know what I'm saying? How is your day, Tarzan? It was fine. You know, I'm fucking, it's a big difference. Like you talked about, you would talk about going from,

you know, being on the road to being at the store and the stuff dying. For me, it's, I'm having the most fun that we can, like it's, it couldn't be more fun doing two shows a night. And then I go back to like day job on Monday, like, ooh, it's, it's very different. Very fun.

Yeah. Doing comedy the whole time. You're thinking about quitting your fuck. You're like, why am I going to go back on Monday? It's like a surreal world that you live in when you're like in between. Because you can't really quit your day job to MC. So, but once you start featuring,

you got to shit or get off the fucking pot. Yeah, you have to decide about the job and that's when you look at your budget. You look at what's coming in, what you expected to come in, what's in your bank account. You know, do I need a fucking Corvette? Not really. I just need a Nissan. I could sell that, you know, when I started come, like when I got serious about comedy, I had nothing. I was coming off a divorce. I was, I was basically fucking living from day to day.

But I knew that like I had to have my apartment went from like $980 to $400. Like everything got cut, you know, the phone, you don't need it. A cable TV, you don't need it. When you're doing comedy, you just don't need these things. And that's what forces you. It's like to get good at comedy for like two or three years to get into the rhythm, you have to force yourself. It's like a prison. You go to work, you go home, you eat, you're right, you go to the gym, then you go to two open mics, and then you go home. work, you go home, you eat, you're right, you go to the gym, then you go to two open mics, and then you go home, and then on the weekends,

you fucking work till Friday, and then you, and it's hard. It's fucking hard, man. It's hard to balance both. And at one point, you're gonna bust, and one day, you just walk out of the office. I wouldn't be surprised. It's just, and it's not, like, I actually,

my day job is not bad, but it's, especially weekends that where stuff goes well, and like the shows are fun. And then like, you know, being, I will always, the road has always, like, so romantic to me, like just the idea of like being in a hotel in a city I've never been to, it just sounds awesome. So the entire thing is fun.

To me, that was the Lord of it. I like to travel. I like to, but it was weird going back into, for me, I have to remember, I took a job and I was selling cars and he he took the he made the job flexible enough, you know, and it was working. I wasn't I wasn't becoming rich, but I was at least, you know, keeping the lights on. But then things would happen to tell me this isn't what I'm gonna do anymore. Like I get a sign from God or whoever the fuck it was, the comedy God's like, I would always have, like the last two salesman jobs I had, the car's blew up.

You know, like when you were driving them? Yeah, like I went to do comedy and I kept the job and they would give me a car to drive. And one time I just left the car, one time I got stuck in a brand spanking new and it was for Birch manager, Judy Brown, Birch, Sebastian's manager, gig like at a ski resort. And it didn't have a hotel. The feature in the headline I had a hotel, but I didn't have a hotel. The feature in the headline I had a hotel, but I didn't get a hotel.

So I basically drove up there for the small 30, whatever the fuck it is. And my fucking, at the end of the show, I was having a good time. And I got my car was one of those brand new jeeps Like it was I mean sprants back into a to be 94 Jeep and the fucking timing belt or something blew out on it Jesus that I I asked I was talking to Josh about that this weekend about like

If like your car breaks down on the way to like it just I get anxiety about stuff like that now I'm gonna do an accident. It's gonna happen. It's gonna happen. You know and then one night was just time I told you I went up to like Wyoming and the guy had to leave because his wife was cheating on him and on the way back the car started going on fire. The car just lit itself on fire though on the road it was fucking snowing. We had a walk like a mile in the snow, with our little bags, overnight bags. I never heard those people again. Like that car just blew up on I-70 somewhere

and I never heard from those people again. It was just, it was, and I would go home and go, I wouldn't even be upset. I just knew it was a sign telling me to go for it. And I wouldn't go for it. I was such a fucking pussy. Like I always wanted that. Well, I had child support.

I had a bunch of fucking things. I had an addiction. I had child support. It wasn't like I was putting it into my house like painting the room and nothing. I had an apartment. I never turned the stove on. I ate all my three meals out and I snorted coke and I fucking paid

child support. That's what I was going to have like because you're a very organized person. I can imagine you writing a budget with coke and did you have like budget coke into your like expenses? In those days hell yeah. I had a monthly stipend for it. Because why lie to yourself?

Right. I wasn't going to lie to myself. I was putting away like anywhere from 150 to 300 a week in those days. And I was broke. And I was fucking broke. Just, you know, selling coke, selling an ounce of weed. I'm just putting it all together while I'm doing comedy. From the beginning of that lay, I think until 2002 and I was doing creepy shit, you know, and I was at the comedy store.

I was selling pounds of weed to agents and, you know, so you got to do what you got to do, especially, like even back then, probably wasn't a lot of money, but features make had most usually unless the headline is very nice like a hundred bucks a show. Yeah. So if you got five shows, no hotel is a feature, which is the status quo now. Right. Yeah. They don't fucking hotel now, you know. It's you break even. So you need another job. It's uh it's it's very scary to think about doing it. So but like that's because I've been thinking about you. I think about like the stuff we talked about on the church a lot and something I forget who it was. I also I was listening to to another podcast, and the podcast or was talking, a comic was talking about like doing a vision board on like New Year's Eve.

So like I've been working on something like a plan, and like do you believe in any of that stuff or not? Really? Because you take a plan very seriously. I know that. Of what? Like a, I'm sorry. Like you're, there's my problem. Oh sorry I know that's okay and I couldn't the the message wouldn't come up on my fucking phone and I knew he was gonna hit me back so but anyway I'm very sorry a vision boy they're just just like a plan for like the next year. So I have a plan. You have to have a yearly plan,

a six month plan, and a three month plan, and a 30 day plan. And that was me, you know, that was what I did, you know. People, I just saw Sebastian, the other day on a podcast, talking about how he never wrote his goals down And he's one of the biggest stars in comedy. So who the fuck gives the fuck what I think

What I'm saying is everybody's different Everybody reacts to different things. I Wanted See my efforts. I wanted to make sure that 15 sets were done. Like you could do whatever you want Joey, you could do whatever you want, you could snort Coke, you could stay out, but you gotta give me 15 sets a month. And then the numbers became higher and higher,

and then it got to 30, 35 sets a month, you know. Yeah, and I think I'm sure, because I don't do it, and I'm sure there's a lot of comics who don't do it, but if it obviously worked for you, so that's why I like listening to comedians podcasts, because I try to get little things of what they do, and especially the ones who have successful podcasts

are doing something right. You sat there with me for years listening to other comics fears that goals how they did certain things where there was writing. Every comic brought something different to the table. Every musician that we had brought something different to the table. I got to be honest with you The guy I learned the most from and all the years of podcasting was Rudy Sarzo And I still confer with Rudy for big decisions How's really because

Rudy's fucking great. I talked to him once a week though That's my brother and That's great and he And that's great. And he's still, I see him on Instagram and Twitter all the time. So what is, I'm sorry, friend, interrupting. What was he, why do you take so much from him? Rudy gave us something on every episode. And whether people took it or not,

I loved him. People would hit me up and go, why do you put Rudy on there? I didn't give a fuck. Rudy always has a place to speak with me because he's not just a bass player. He's an artist and he's got 50 years in. So whatever stupid story you got, don't match up to him.

You know, he woke up on the bus one day, a plane went down, it was his fucking best friend, you know, on a fucking tour. What are you doing a Saturday, not whatever, I don't know if it was a Saturday when he died Brandy Rhodes, but not to, he taught me the most important thing I ever learned from anybody in comedy. He taught me the words, labor of love. And that changed my whole career. That changed everything from me when I heard those words

and days later when it sank in. What we do is a labor of love. They pay us for traveling. They pay us to have to deal with fucking people, talking to you and you eat it. You know, I wanna go to deal with fucking people talking to you in your ear. I want to go to Monica with you, whatever the fuck they're saying. That's what you're getting paid for. When you're performing, whether it's a violin, whether it's a harmonica,

whether it's comedy, whether it's spoken word, it's a labor of love. You're giving yourself away, a piece of yourself away. If you're not doing it for the labor of love, You're giving yourself away a piece of yourself away. If you're not doing it for the labor of love, go fucking do something different. Go do something different. And that's how my life was when I first got into comedy. It was all a labor of love.

I didn't give a fuck about what you were paying me. Oh, you're gonna pay me 50 bucks? Perfect. I could eat that. And then it became something else. And then it became a financial, and then I didn't like it anymore. Because that's why I enjoyed the book signing so much.

There was no money. They had to buy a book for 20 bucks. You know, they're gonna get it anyway, unaudible or whatever. I didn't want to charge you to take a picture or the fucking shake my hand. You know, I didn't want to charge you 20 bucks to the book signing.

I wanted to be there. And if you noticed, I was on time to all of them. I brought a joint for everybody on all of them. I wanted, that was a labor of love for me. There was no money involved. Listen, I'm not in the mood to take on all of them. I wanted that was a labor of love for me. There was no money involved. Listen, I'm not in the mood to take on a microphone today. And I'm not in the mood to answer questions, but I got two or three minutes for it.

I wanted to talk to them because when I did stand up, it was just a stupid fucking picture. That's not really a contact point. I learned a lot from those fucking book signings. I learned a lot about myself. Now I gotta see if it goes over to other things. What did you learn about yourself at the book signing? That I really love people again. And that doing stand up in that high level push me away from these people. That's not what I ever wanted to do. That's why I never saw myself in a arena or a stadium.

I never saw those things. One of the greatest memories I remember hearing is that Gabriel did like three shows on Christmas night, Christmas Eve at the John Lovitz comedy club. And I heard that the last show he took a moral of fucking pancakes. He took fucking Denys. Fucking Denys, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're in the story.

Yeah, you know, that's something that fucking lasts forever. That's something that I wish, you know, and every time I had an opportunity to do it like during the pandemic, it fell apart on me, whether it was getting a movie theater to show the fucking like when I did that last show in New York in January with you, right? I knew I didn't want to get on stage a long time. I knew it that night. Like I'm fucking getting out of here. And it wasn't a sunny haul. I loved it. I loved right. It was, it was, I just did not want to do it anymore. And until I fall in love with it again, I'm not, I love doing this thing with you on Monday nights. It's no pressure. I don't give a fuck of word on the apple top 100. I don't care if iTunes don't like it. I don't give a fuck of YouTube. Don't like it. Guess what? The only one that's got to like it is us. give a fuck of YouTube don't like it. Guess what?

The only one that's got to like it is us. So in my world, that's called a labor of fucking love. If I'm out here taking pictures all day and making videos to watch the podcast, that's one thing. I enjoy doing the draft king's things. I really do, doing the videos. You know, I like doing stupid fuck of video,

whatever I'm limited with those. And that doesn't. That doesn't make me happy. But back to the, what we were talking about Rudy taught me, you know, I learned from Ralphie on there, I learned from Theo Vaughan on there. I got a bunch of lessons from those things. When you looked at people and you're like, really, you did that? That was very interesting to me. Back then, when we were doing the podcast 2015, 16, it was really great. It was a fucking bad for me and you

because we were destroying our bodies. We had a blast, but it's, he had just the knowledge. That's one of the reasons I love podcasts. It was a labor of love. We were doing it with no rule book. That's why for you to look at a podcast now that somebody did take, for you to look at a podcast of somebody who had the balls that do a podcast 13, 12, 10 years ago

and say, well, on that podcast, you said something wrong. I want you to remember one thing. There was no rule book. There was no rule book on YouTube. There was no fucking rule book. So, and it, and it's something that I think it's talked about a lot. And it's, it's the people who came to watch didn't have a, like, it's, people might look back at it who weren't church fans or the it wasn't for them and they might get upset. But it's not like it's not like we got a bunch of hate back then. No, there was no rules.

Right. So church nobody nobody takes the other acid and does a fucking podcast for four hours. All right. On a Sunday night with fucking people calling in and dunking sending pictures of dirty people and you know there was no rules and it was a labor of love. I think for like a year I was getting robbed on the ads because I didn't know how to read the ads so I would just read them every show and they were only paying me for one read.

And they're like your sponsors love you. Yeah, because I read them every fucking show for free. That was like a year. I didn't know what I was doing. I was a fucking idiot, but that's crazy. It was a labor of love. It gave us a window like now to just connect fuck around. And if you're in, you're in, if you're not, take a chance, Columbus did take a fucking shuttle. I was thinking about about that time today, because dude, I don't remember the exact day. I don't know if you I wonder if you do, but it's around now that you recorded it to the you were the priest. It's right, it was right before Christmas.

Yeah, right. We released in January. Yeah. Because you know, and years ago 11. Yeah, maybe more than that. Yeah, 2012. It's about. Yeah. I was thinking about before I was watching the fucking news before. This afternoon it was raining terribly.

I made a video of me and great and pizza cow pizza. I saw that. Dog, she tears pizza fucking up. First off, great, tears, anything up. You don't think gray will don't like his shrimp and she's a fucking cat. And she doesn't like fish.

She doesn't like all the fishes. But gray will eat pork fried rice. Gray will eat fucking Sashwam beef. Gray will eat clock in cheeseburgers. If you leave gray alone for two minutes and walk away from your dish, she would jump on that table and at least try your shit. And you got, I get mad at her, but I don't. And at least try your shit and you got I get mad at my dumb Well, you you put it like on a separate plate for her or you just know that she's gonna go after your First I know she likes salami, right she loves Pajudo She loves wet muts

Like you know she loves fucking hand. Boni cheese. But Borg's head, Deluxe Hand, she will tear that up to shreds, okay? And I love it a death, but that cat eats everything. Remember, I picked that cat up on the streets. And she wasn't feral, she was half feral. And fucking, you know, she was living in somebody's house, but they got dogs and she couldn't go back into the house. So she had to live outside. and fuck, and you know, she was living in somebody's house,

but they got dogs and she couldn't go back into the house so she had to live outside. When I met that cat, that cat was about three. And I was amazed that that's the longevity of a cat who lives outside, it's three years. I befriended her outside in the street, she walked me home. And I play with her outside and I had treats from my cats. So I brought them down for her.

And one day she just scratched the fucking door and my cats weren't crazy. And, you know, the neighbor, the owner of the cat told me she goes, I gotta be honest with you, you should just take it because she's your fucking cat. You're her dad. I could see it. She fucking follows you. And we brought it even back here. I mean, she's been with us now for, yeah, 11 years.

But the last two years, she's really come out of her fucking shop. That's great. When I wake up, she follows me down here and she jumps on my lap while I'm on the computer. Well, you had to keep her separated, right? Like, you had to keep her like in your room or something? No, she wasn't. She didn't like anybody else. When we first got it, she was like, fuck you bitches.

I don't like you motherfuckers at all, okay? Okay. And she lived in a house with like seven cats that fucking Haydor. And she would walk to the kitchen in front of him and they would go like, what the fuck is that? Look at it. She would walk real timid and eat her food and then walk right back to her little hiding spot, always facing them so they couldn't attack her from the back.

She always laid the wall. She was very smart And she got into a couple beefs But like two of the cats the girls fucking hated it There was one there was one girl I had that I got to tell you broke her heart. She didn't last long after that She did not like her in the house Just the fact that she was there, she didn't like it. Nope. I'll get you out of fucking like it.

But ever since we moved to Jersey, when we first moved, me and her got into a beef one day, and we were fucking hang out for like three months. Over what? How do you get into a B for the cat? I don't know. I went upstairs, I laid on the bed,

she didn't like it or something and she scratched me so I pushed her away and then she bit my finger something. It was something like, what the fuck, Brad? Well, we had just moved here. She was in shell-sharred. She was like a Vietnam vet.

So, you know, she's sleeping on my bed. I can't see it, night. I got no fucking carrots. I walked back to the bed and I think it's my sleep app in the machine. So when I put my hand out, I pushed it and she fucking swaddle at me.

And I'm like, great, what the fuck? And then, so we didn't talk for like three or four months, man fucking, it took me a year to get back on a good graces. But I got farther with her in that year than I didn't like eight or nine years. Wow. She sleeps with me.

She sleeps in between me and my wife. She fucking, once we go to the breakfast, once I get coffee in the morning, she sleeps on top of the heater for a few hours. And once I come to the office, she comes right down here, and she's by my feet, me out, and parent. And then I'll leave for the day.

And now she actually waits for me by the garage. And if I smoked open the garage, she follows me outside to the garage. It's a trip. That's awesome. That's crazy. It's a trip, man. Especially so many years ago,

you guys were eating pizza and watching the news. You were saying, so I came home to the, I had to go to the doctor at 10. I went to the gym for a little while and I had like a half hour break. And I was sitting down in my wife came down with two slices of pizza. And she goes, did you eat lunch when you were out? And I go, no, I'll take a slice. I mean, I'm like, I don't feel like going to a restaurant or anything. But I did see something when I went upstairs to go. I mean, I don't feel like going to a restaurant or anything, but I did see something.

When I went upstairs to go to the bathroom, the pizza case was upside down by the door. We were gonna take it out, wherever it goes out next, take the garbage out. And she was already sniffing at the pizza box. So she knew it was she's fucking smart, man. So as soon as my wife came down, she came down after my wife,

my wife goes go to the back. I have to go upstairs and get something to drink. In that time, she jumped on the fucking chair with me and you're starting chopping. There was a pizza cheese sticking out of the side. And you know, crispy pizza and the fucking old bridges back. They opened up after the fire.

I didn't know, I went up to the Jiu-Jitsu last week and I saw the sign. So when I went Sunday on the way back, I called my wife and there was some kids here and I go, you know what, I'll bring a pie for them. I didn't even eat the pizza. But when I opened it up, it was cheesy. Nice.

Like it was just an extra cheese pie crispy to the max, like only they could do. And fucking, I didn't eat that day. So my wife brought down the slice, so give me a slice, I didn't eat that whole slice, burst, fucking gray ate the whole slice. I started to give her half the fucking cheese. I got like the crust and a little bit of the middle.

That's fucked up. She eats that much. Then she eats a can of cat poof. She eats a can of cat poofed at night and she'll follow me around. Drop the goddamn thing. The cats are interesting. Animal listen, animals are interesting. I'm thinking of getting a dog next. If you look at what you do when you turn 60, what to do when you turn 60, you're playing to get a dog. That's awesome. Another German Shepherd. Yeah, but then I got to walk it I got to figure out my legs situation in my knee situation

I don't want to walk a German Shepherd on fucking roller skate to escape border I got a time to my fucking straw or like a fat fucking old fuck and he pushes me like mush, you know, I don't need that either What do you know you what I'm saying? I want to know the people who donated to Black Lives Matter. Why? Because I need a big, I need a big envelope. I don't want to work no more. You think we can start you go find me? Not I want to go find me. Why? I'm like human lives matter. from me. Why? Like human lives matter.

Yeah, but how are you going to get the word out? So if I can't get the word out, you ain't going to get it out. You know what I'm saying? I got connections. I can spread the word will buy wraps and a little boat for Cuban people and bring them here and give them more dignity. But I'm not looking to bring by wraps. I'm looking to fuck a score 10 million first. Then I'll buy a wrap.

They get a wrap right knocked down my 10 million. Because I was thinking about me and my wife were talking about, look at all those people who donate the black wise matters. Those people just broke off. What houses and really didn't do anything with the money in my world. It seemed like it was a total scam. And it was. I did say that there were some people who fucked off with the money. Oh, please, they always do. Even when the hurricane Katrina, that may as do in 10 to 20. And I can saw right now. He's doing fucking these, he's helping the girls got make cookies. Oh, 10 to 20. So it's so that

so that's your, your new plan. Cuban Lives Matter. What's that? Cuban Lives Matter? Sure. Why not? Everybody should do it. I'm going to get like a Chinese guy. I'm going to find the guy from Portugal. I'm going to find a couple of up in Zambia. Everybody matters.

Now send the check, Doc. So it's guilt on their face. That's what it was a perfect scam. They bounced off and guilt. I guarantee 90% of the people who donated to that were white Americans. And like 50 had money and they felt guilty. My grandfather owned the slave, cut and checked. Now the guilt is over.

Instead of going out and shaking one's hand and inviting him over to the aisle. See them saying, cutting the check is the easiest thing. So they made millions of dollars, billions of dollars. One of our billions, maybe 500 million maybe. easiest thing. So they made millions of dollars, billions of dollars. What are billions? Maybe 500 million maybe. And you only want 10. What? And you only want 10? That's not really not that much. I'm not greedy. You know me. I just want to fucking go to Jiu Jitsu and eat Chinese food until they put me in the casket.

That sounds like a good fucking life. Well, I give a fuck. A fucking rain like a motherfucker. He yes, I know it's raining up there. Yeah, it's not. That's not good. Fucking people lost that power, not me. I got to generate, I didn't fuck around when I moved here.

That's the first and they told me when I moved here, get a generator, the power goes out. When I moved in this house, the power, I'd just been back for three days. And what do you think, like gas? Do you have to about go to the gas station and like fill it up? How does it work? You see my wife around here somewhere? I don't know it, but no, it's not gasoline. It's electric because it's in the fucking in the board. It can't be an electric one unless it charges because if the power goes out, how's it going to work? It recharges every Wednesday by itself.

It turns off the power, house turns off, and the charger takes it over. It's fucking tremendous. That's bad house. Yeah, the realtor told this, Jimmy Florentine told me, they're like, before you buy that house, make sure you got enough money left over for a fucking generator.

I'm happy I did. But that's it. Well, you know what the fucking crazy? Right now, when we'll watch this podcast next Tuesday, that's it. Christmas will be over. You motherfuckers will be out with you little cash cards spending money, going to comedy shows, walking around New York City, dying to get mugged. You know, because next week is big in New York City from Tuesday on, straight

to fucking Monday, people will be banging in the city for new years, going to look at shit. Wait, I like it's a good time to rob someone, is that what you're saying? Well, I don't know. What, what, what are my criminal fucking, uh, who's back then? A forecaster of criminal activities. I'm just saying. a forecaster of criminal activities. I'm just saying. They black Friday. I don't know. No, it's not black Friday.

It's fucking right. Black Friday was November. You know, I'm saying four criminals. It's not, it's not. Oh, black Friday for criminals. Very, very good. I like that little jokey. You should write that down and then don't repeat it.

Anyway. What else happened this week? I didn't do shit. No, you know what? People got mad at me. Why? Because I tweeted something. I laid they there was a in and out opened an Idaho and people waited eight hours for in and out. So I tweeted that that was due and I like all I could think of is you like, how would you wait eight and hour eight hours for in and out in your car? Not for that shit. That's what I said. I went away eight hours in the car, but it'd be a good cut of me and there but if you pussy hair on there or something something different that flavor is it. I brow hair something. Listen Lee, I want you to how old do you now? 35. I want you to, because you came up at a different time when I came up.

When I was 35, it was a different fucking world. And right now you're coming up in a world. It's so weird how everything is a fucking gimmick. And you don't see it. Like, Lee, we had our office, what, a hundred yards from in and out? Not even, yeah. You know, we went to the Communist store,

there was one on Sunset, but I remember during the pandemic, the line I saw in and out was something you'd see for Woodstock, or fucking Led Zeppler at the garden, I'm not kidding. It went from sunset and it went all the way to that street, the big street, and then it went all the way up to Hollywood Boulevard for a fucking cheeseburger. That's small. The fries got HIV. And I'm not going to tell you that. Listen, it's one of the better burgers out there. Yeah, the burgers, right? it's one of the better burgers out there.

Yeah, the burger's great. It's one of the better burgers out there, but before I left, that burger was getting smaller. It was looking like a white castle burger, and by now, we're fucking bi-nomics, that's non-existent. I know the prices went up like a motherfucker. You know, I just always thought that it was just a tad overrated. It was always had overrated. And that was my personal opinion. You know, I'm not a hamburger guy. It's not like I'm a city with you and talking about my favorite cheeseburger. You know, there's

so many good cheeseburgers. It really is. Fucking, I'll take you to places around here that the cheeseburgers are brilliant. Brilliant. Like three or four places that the cheeseburgers are great. Do I go there every day or once a week, not at all? Tonight's the big one, Oscar Rhea, 1695 for a cheeseburger and they give you a beer with french fries. Are you fucking kidding me? And it's not like a fucking McDonald burger. It's a goddamn sirloin with fucking short rib. You know, these people ain't just making some walking there on a Monday. There's 10 fucking savages.

That's it. There should be 300 fucking savages in there. Yeah, you even tell me about that since you moved there. So people, it's like a big gimmick, man. Like when you look at things, you're like, I lived there. I was down the block from there. I never got it.

It's like when I think the biggest disappointment is that hot dog place. On the break. Oh, yeah. Yeah, thanks. It's total garbage. But for people to get off a plane, to go there, it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart.

Did you ever go to Sonic? I went to Sonic in Tennessee. And maybe I'm getting the wrong stuff, but I remember when it opened here in Massachusetts, that was in high school, and they had to shut it down because the line was going to the highway. And I was so excited to go when I was driving cross country and I've been, I think, two times.

And each time it was gross. Like the desserts and the drinks, I'm sure are great, but the food. Oh, it's. I was so excited. It's garbage. It's hot garbage. It's hot garbage. But people, you know, I still remember when Boston market had lines, the one in Fort Lee, New Jersey, I drove by it one day. I thought that we're giving away free fucking cars. It was superb, you know, the

line. And now look, you got to Boston the market. They try to give it away. You gotta fuck and paylty club. You know, life comes and goes. You know, it's too fucking confusing sometimes. That's why you go, what the fuck happened? You know what, brother, I do miss from LA. The habit was pretty good. I like the habit.

It wasn't like an, it wasn't amazing, but for like a fast food disorder. It was like in between because they made it for you. Let's take my daughter to the habit because she liked it and they always had a specialty sandwich and those were good. The steak sandwich was good and they had chicken, Mexican grilled chicken was good too. Just grow chicken with the fucking avocado and all that shit, you know. But yeah, you know, it's just I don't know. I saw that. I saw that eight hour wait night a whole day. Nothing going on in the night. So go wait for eight fucking hours. You know what I'm saying? I got nothing against Idaho. They canceled my warrant years ago. so we're cool. I can't. I want real quick. We got to switch over now for a word from Better Health.

This episode is brought to you by Better Health like I've been talking to you. The holiday season is great. I'm going to be with some family, but it can bring up some weird stuff. Better helps online therapy can help, whether you're having a tough time with your job, relationship, family, having a total stranger to talk to help from time to time.

Then I'm going to tell you your wife what you said about it or cause drama with your friends. It's totally neutral party who can help you work stuff out. Like I said, the holidays sometimes an old phone pops up and don't pop up until a couple of days before and it lurks for a couple of days after. Maybe you need to talk better help is there to get you started. You take a short quiz and what you're

looking for on a therapist and they'll match up. It's totally online. They got therapy to video call, phone call or even message. Whatever works for you, better help is there. Switch therapists at any time. If you're not happy with one, at no additional cause. Listen, in the season of giving, give something to yourself. Think of yourself. Stop worrying about everything else. Stop worrying

about what's going on over the world. Listen, do me a favor. Visit betterhelp.com slash D.S. today D.I.A.Z. and get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash D.S. Ha ha ha ha! Contact betterhelp. You won't hear that voice ever again. K-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k We're back like herpes. Anyway, better help is gonna help you out. These next couple of weeks are always taxing. So, you know, there's no shame in calling better help. So do what you do and help you out a little bit,

you know, whatever you save on tissues. That's it. Anyway, what's up with you, Tarzan? What are your plans for the holidays and fucking, you know, oh, it's gonna be a it's gonna be a fun week. I because my mom was gone visiting my brother and he just had a daughter a year ago. So she was gone for Hana. We haven't done Hanake yet. So we're gonna do that with Athena and her kids. Then we got new Christmas Eve, which I Christmas Eve as a kid was everything for me as a Jewish guy because I got invited to a family friendly, an Italian house, and like that someone dresses up a sand every year, and we got gifts.

So Christmas Eve is going to be fun with my family, and then Christmas Day will be, you know, six in the morning, I love Christmas. It's so much for, especially for a Jewish guy, Christmas is so much better than Hanukkah. And I love Hanukkah, but especially if the Jewish kid growing up and you see all the Christmas shit, that's all I wanted. So like I wake up before the kids do. I gotta be honest with you, this Christmas I'm very fucking excited.

That's awesome. It's excited in Christmas, and a long goddamn time. And for tons of reasons, so like it's just, the last two Christmas's haven't been settled. I didn't know the scoop, but in my mind,

like I would spend those fucking misery Christmas's in LA, and I couldn't wait to get back here, to go like, to your house at six. I go by fucking Florence teams at eight o'clock, and then you know, Florence teams are going to go to church at nine. So from there, your parents invited us all for a cocktail at 10. There's going to be some food, you know, I fucking sat there in LA and rented us. And then I moved here, and it's here and it's not like that anymore.

People, I think my brother, Dan Florentine, he always has a little something, you know, and you go over. It's understood, you go over there from eight to nine. Maybe he's got fucking capital, maybe, you know, who knows. But they felt emptier like the ones I had in the line. And this summer when I went to Nashville, you know, I really got to meet my nephew and my niece

and, you know, my other niece, like, I knew my old niece but I didn't know the two younger ones. And I'm like, man, this will be great to come here for Christmas. Mercy, you know, so I'm going. And I'm gonna have a fucking great time. My brother Mike's coming up for the week to take care of the cat.

He's gonna stay here. I'm gonna leave him an ounce of weed, you know? Leave him a piece. And then I'll be back five days. I'm only going for five days. I'm gonna try to train Jiu-Jitsu in Nashville. I'm gonna try to see my man in Zaini. I'm gonna try to see Jelly Roll and the rest of the time

just hang out with the girls, man. And then come back here and just prepare for 2024. We gotta drop it like it's hot. We got plans for these people. We got to shit. Crack a liking for these motherfuckers, you know? So that's my plan. I'm sticking to it.

Cause I got no reason to lie, you know? Like I'm gonna over the holidays. I mean, I didn't notice this three fucking football games on Christmas Eve. Is there really? Yeah, I think fucking football games on Christmas Eve. Is there really? Yeah. I think there's a game Christmas day. I haven't even looked there on Saturdays now too. I just saw that this weekend.

That's a couple of weeks, man. You got the end of college football, you got pro basketball. You know, there's just a lot of shit going on. So you won't be bored. You know, listen, when you go to those family reunions, you end up watching sports anyway. Oh yeah. There's some of the men going one room,

the kids come in, you either watching football or golf or tennis, whatever the fuck you like. And that's it. It's very annoying. There's not much going on for 2024. I got a couple of fucking things I'm going to do in 2024 and part of that is just to get some action going, brother. I've been in central Jersey for three years just, you know, trying to put the pieces together now. I'm ready to percolate. I love it.

I got a plan like Stan. I'm excited to see what happens, dude. How does how is like mercy feel about Christmas? Is it still big for her? No, she don't believe in Santa Claus. Well, I will. She know. Okay. I like right. He's done. Say nothing. Right. She figured. Okay. I like that. He's done. Say nothing. Right.

She figured it out. She went to the mom and said knock it off. I ain't right. No letter of fucking saying it. It was very interesting. What happened yesterday with it? Okay. Interesting day of my daughter yesterday. You know, we get up like it on Sundays. we got up at 730 blah, blah, blah. Something happened yesterday, she got sick at church last week. So she didn't want to go to church this week. So there was really nobody around on Sunday. It was really weird. And I was here till 10, 10, 30.

I had breakfast with them. We were talking bullshit. And then I went to Jigitsu, and then I came back. And I go, what's going on? And they were setting up rooms upstairs. Because my daughter switched rooms. And then they were finishing on that. And then my wife came down.

It was 2.30. And I'm sitting here watching football. I went over to Jimmy's. Oh, no wife came down. It was 230. And I'm sitting here watching football. I went over to Jimmy's. Oh, no, I went over to Jimmy's. And I watched the dolphins for a little while. It wasn't even a fucking game. You know, right. I mean, the fucking jets. And then I came back. And I'm like, girls, what do you guys want to do? And my wife's like, I don't know. There's not much going on. I mean, it was raining already, you know, it was starting to rain.

And one of the moms had contacted me and said, you guys want to go out to dinner. And I go, yeah, but as we leave and we go, yeah, she goes, oh, by the way, my daughter's not coming. I don't want to take mercy to sit with four adults. You know what I'm saying? So I go, right. Leave it back here with me. When Mercy came down, she goes, Dad, no, she goes. And my wife told her, she ain't been in the house so fucking long. And I've been telling my wife since we moved here. My daughter

is not that kid you think. She's a fucking thoroughbred. She needs a little action. TV and the computer for her, it doesn't cut it. And she doesn't need to do much. She don't need to do much. She just needs to sell it out. Talk, she came down, my wife told her what was going on and mercy goes, so what am I going to do? And just broke down. She just had tears in the eyes and she just came over and gave me a hug. I was like, you want to get down out of here, don't you? Yeah, I have to get out of here. And I go, go get your jacket on.

I didn't care about the Dallas game. I wasn't even watching that beast shit game. I got in the car as I was getting the car. I put in favorite music on that little girl that performed at the garden, Olivia Rodrigo. Right, okay. I typed it into my phone when she wasn't watching in my Apple and then I got the car started and plugged it in and that song came on that she liked and she fucking, you know, she smiled.

And then I took her on a ride for like 25 minutes and all those songs came on like the whole album she likes. It was all loud. I didn't say a fucking word. I just let her process because that's what she needed to do. It's like her dad. I got to get the fuck out of here in the morning. I'm the type of guy who get up and write shit and prepare for the day and what am I gonna do this week. But you know what? Tuck a sheeptuck sucker. It's time to try out what you believe in. You got to get out of here.

Even if it's to go around the corner and make a phone call. I, I, when I call you, I, I'm not home. I'm gone already. I'm going, I'm going to do something, but I got to get out of the house. Even though I have to go to 10, it's 915. I'm calling you. I got to get out of the house.

I'm out of the house. I got to fruit me. I got two eggs sunny side up and avocado toast Bing boom get that Cuban out of the room, you know what I'm saying? And you could just And you could just tell that's what you needed like you guys didn't even go anywhere. You just were driving If we're riding with a nice cream she didn't want to we just kept listening music And what that we could all do. water, we just kept listening to music. And what did we go do? Oh, we ended up going to Barnes & Noble's. And I don't like that Barnes & Noble, freehold,

because that was when I told me I couldn't do the book signing that. So I was making a right turn. If you know anything about me, I'm like, I don't even know why I'm fucking coming in here. I even thought about just giving my daughter 20 bucks and go go get what you need to get, whatever the fuck it is and come back. Cause I don't to step foot in there but I didn't want to make no

problems so I walked in there with her and I went in there and I even got more fucking annoyed because the guy one guy was watching me like I was a shoplift him you know because I didn't look the best I had a hooded sweatshirt on sweat pants I don't give a fuck it's coming down out here I'm gonna dress up to go to bonds and Melbourne. And then he did this will fucking do the I'm not gonna I'm not gonna say his racial perpetuation. He was looking at it. He was eyeballing me like I was a shoplet that came up to me. Do I need any help? Do I look like I need any fucking help? I'm standing feet from my daughter in the kids section of fucking Harry Potter? Whatever the fuck? She got some book by Tim Burton or something. I don't know, Tim Burton wrote a book. He's gonna direct the movie. You know me. I just

yes, but that and next thing I'm dropping the small 20 and my daughter's smart because she actually walks up to the counter like she's faking the money, like she's got it in, like she's gonna take it out. And then we get to the counter and I'm like, you know, I'm not gonna fuck an outdo with her, what am I gonna do? I just take the money out and pay for it. She always like goes, like she makes,

she has that little limp hand, you know, little, go go go go go. And the limp hand, did know, little go go go go go. The limp pan. Did he teach you this or did just just something that was natural? But then as I'm paying for the fucking book I turn around and there's a book of fucking biographies and comedy and shit. My book was not on the fucking table. Oh, fuckers.

I don't like these motherfuckers. And I wasn't even gonna ask them where it was. It didn't even matter to me. It didn't even matter to me. I don't even want to do business with those cock suckers anymore. Anyway, I got a break real quick and drop some knowledge on you from Draft Kings. Give me a minute.

Hey, when you guys been Uncle Joey here to talk to you about Draft Kings. Let me tell you something. This is the week. The next two weeks is when to throw down. You got basketball, you got football, all day college, you got, what else you got? You got hockey. You got everything. Everybody's doing something. So do me a favor. But what's hot right now is the NBA. This week, new customers can score 150 instantly in bonus bets just for bet and five bucks. Who's better than you and who's better than Uncle Joey for turning you on? Nobody. Draft King's that's who. So get the party started right now. Download the Draft King

sports book app and use code Joey. New customers can get 150 instantly and bonus bets just for bet and $5 on basketball. You know what that happens? Only on Draft King Sportsbook when you use Code Joey, the crown is yours. Now, if you got a gambling problem, call 1-800-Gamber. Or visit www.1-gamma.net in New York, call 8778 Hope, New York and text Hope, New York. That's 467369.

In Connecticut, help is available. 88878977777 on behalf of Boothill Casino, 21 plus void non terriot. Listen to me in favor. Download the Draft King sports bag. Use code Joey and let's get this party started. I'm going to throw you 150 instantly in bonus bets. All right.

Merry Christmas, jingle jingle back to the show. We're back Jack. Anyway. So that's it brother. Jingle jingle back to the show. We're back Jack. Anyway. So that's it brother. That's my fucking story and I'm sticking to it. I had a lot of weeks. I got some plans for 2024. I don't even want to tell you, Lee.

I'm excited. You always have good plans. I'm excited because I got to do something. I got to do something. Even something small. I got to do something. I got to do something. Even something small. I got to do something. I got to put something. I'm starting a book in January.

And I really thought about the conversation we had. The, and it really helped me. My conversations with you, this podcast and off the podcast, are really helping me write this book because I'm looking at some efficiencies that you had. I have another young comics have. I have a lot of young comics on Patreon and they ask me questions and its

frustration. Everybody wants to know how to get to the next level and you and I had a conversation the other day. I don't even know if you remember it. I was telling you that I'm gonna write a chapter about the things I did wrong. Right. The things I did wrong.

And I fucking wrote one that was tremendous. And it was very hard for me. And it was people always ask me like on the side, like I was talking to a young comic, the other day I got a French fry place. I was there with my daughter. I don't even know it was a French fry day, like at a French fry place. I was there with my daughter. I don't even, I don't even know, it was a French fry place.

Wasn't a French fry place. This was when we went to the city for the time. And the kid goes, you know, do you have any advice for a young comic? And I go, listen, I've been thinking about this for a long time. Not taping myself. I've been thinking about this for a long time. Not taping myself.

Not listening to myself. Now watch my videos. I'm going to make confession to you, Lee. Out of all the churches we did, I saw bits and pieces on YouTube. If we thought I sat there through a podcast and watched it, never watched it. The last person I wanna see is me, you know what I'm saying? Couldn't agree more.

So, we see. About myself. I'm just, I'm just, I'm just, but I think one of the biggest mistakes I made and not being serious about it is I know everybody's broke I'm not expecting you to buy a fucking high end camera and

these fucking phones are 600 bucks and You drop it with a fuck whatever, you know They and I got the little pizza for another year to get another phone Or you got a borrowers small nickel from dad. You got to hear that ear beat You know all you got to do is tape your sets. Just make it a habit to tape your sets, whether they're five minutes, 15 minutes,

tape your fucking sets. It's something I didn't do, and if I could do it all over again from 1991, I would have done it more. Joey, why didn't you do it? Because I was so insecure about myself, I didn't want to see myself on tape. I've never watched a full special of mine on tape. I'll tell you what I have watched. Because I could, as I was doing it, I could feel it. And that was the comedy central things I did for Ari.

Besides that, I don't watch any of that shit at all At all, but it was such a mistake from me and it's such a mistake for a young comic And you're gonna go joy, but I'm just getting started because I want you to build healthy habits Now I want you to know that at home. I don't want listen I don't give a fuck about your sexual preferences. I don't give a fuck about your drug addictions I don't give a fuck of me a staff those six doing Molly and jumping up and down. I will tell you what I want from you as a young comic and it's the first thing you're doing you go home and wash your hands, jumping the shower, eat a pie, mom's apple pie, whatever the fuck your ritual is. But before you hit that sack, I want you to listen to that fucking tape. Make two notes, just two notes.

Not negative, positive. For right now, I don't want you to go to better upset. And then listen to it again in the morning and make your notes. And then right there in the morning, when you're reading your cereal, make your plans for that next night. What am I going to do different? And not even a plan. I just want you to make a note and then come back at five from work or whatever the fuck you're doing and then execute that plan

for tonight. Or the next show, whatever the fuck that may be. That was my mistake. Because you never recorded, right? Even later on when you had like the phone, no? When we met, you said to me one night, you want me to record your fucking set on the way down to Erivine. And next thing you know, was a number one fucking download, you know what I'm saying? I know, that's fucking crazy that you never did. I recorded, I never, because of my appearance

and I was so insecure, that's why I don't like fucking specials too much. I want to listen to you. For me, stand up. If I listen to myself more, I want to bend so much betterly. It's amazing you were as good as you were and I never listening to it. You just have that, like you just have a great memory I think. Because I hated my voice and I hated what I looked like. Like I didn't want to see me on stage. But there was one thing I did believe in and what I felt like on that stage.

And I'll tell you I walked off that stage many a night going, I wish I would have taped that I walked off that stage many a night going I wish I would have taped that Because I wanted to hear what my heart sounds like when I was on stage I wanted to hear I love hearing a glass get set I love those I came up on the Richard Pryor Alms and the Red Fox Alms and the Red Fox albums and I could feel the heart coming to the speakers whether I had earphones on or we were at one of my friends house to specials or Sabatino one of them and we were listening to I

love listening to the laughter and it was real. It was a small club. It wasn't an arena. Nobody was doing a rena, nobody was doing comedy clubs. There was maybe a buck 20 in there, buck 50. And you heard it differently. And I always wanted to sound that way. But I knew no matter what I did,

it would never sound that way. But I learned listening to the beats. I'm listening to beats. I'm listening to, you know, beat is when somebody stops and I'm listening to all these little things, but what I'm really listening to is his heart. That's what I could hear. I can't see it.

He's a fake. He's got a bunch of tattoos. He's got a weird headdo. He's got a scarf on. I don't want to see that. I want to hear it. Somewhere along the line, people wanted to see tape, you know, and that's where I think it's I'm an old man. I want to hear it, even though I can't hear it. But I want to hear it. I mean, we've talked forever about how much I love albums, but it's... How do you think... How would it be right if you weren't listening to it? You just remembered the little changes you would make?

Yes. Yes. A lot of times I would... Oh, bro, one of the running jokes with these fucking guys, you know, and they'll bring it up to them. The Rogans, the R-Eases. Joey, did you write that down? Joey, write that down. That was like, rewrite that down, you know,

what's he doing? That's a, you know, and because I knew I could come up with those once a night, I could pop those out of my ass. You know, I always knew, I didn't know if I was gonna kill, but I knew I had one line in me that wasn't on the dialogue that I could pop.

So, and now I regret all that. I threw away all his material because I didn't bring it home at night, listen to him, write it down. If me and you could be driving, and it happened, I'm not making this up, you and I could be driving the car, driving the Irvine, Braia, Oxnoy, wherever the fuck it was.

We go for something, we talk about this and you go, ooh, say that joke from the ice house. And I would get in there, practice the joke in my head, not in front of a mirror, like, I practiced it in my fucking head. And then you get there, you have a great set and you come off and you're like, Joey, that was a really good set. I'm like, fuck you. I didn't say that fucking joke. Oh yeah. That one joke was what I worked on all fucking week. That's the only thing I wanted to work. I just did a complete different set. And the thing that got me the most was that I didn't do that one fucking joke. You were there a thousand times when I got off the stage and I go like, fuck! And you go like, what happened? And I'm like, I didn't try the joke.

Me and Walter Allen. Right, they had a great fucking time. I will give a fuck. I didn't try that fucking joke. That would go on for six nights. Whether just you were just in the moment? Yeah, and then I would go home. Then I would try it. And now I got a reaction. Now where am I going with this fucking beginning?

Right? We had this discussion last week. I don't like, I like, remember, the joke we were talking about. Right. You tried it. Now you called me that night. You weren't crazy. You tried it twice. It worked. You call me going crazy about what? That it worked or what was the main concern? How about where'd it go from there? It's the same thing, I forgot that joke.

We look at things so fucking differently. People have no idea how pissed you get as a comic when they're telling you that was a great set and you're like motherfuckers I had something at my sleeve that was gonna make your eyeballs pop up I wish I'd go back up there and do it but I can't you know it's just that anyway to get back to the story I wish I would have of written my got home at night, listen to my tape. I really used to get home at night. I gotta be honest with you.

No matter how fucked up I was, I always remembered to go to my notebook right down how I did. Honestly, what joke I wanted to try. If I had somebody with me, I only put the parameters and I go back to the next morning. But if I was alone, that's when I go through my process. I get pissed off, I get a fucking line of coke and a drink of beer and, you know, let me

write this over again, then I'd write it over again, and that went on till six in the morning. It was an excuse to snort the coat. Right, but I just, I like, there are sometimes I do remember things, but there's a lot of times I'll go back to listen. I don't listen to every set by any stretch of the imagination. But when I do listen, I'm like, Oh, shit, I forgot. I said that. So I was thinking about that when you said, like, Oh, you threw away so much. So you definitely threw away hours. that when you said like, oh, you threw away so much. So you definitely threw away hours. But I knew I knew I could write more. It's like a coke dealer.

I knew I could sell more coke. It didn't matter what I was spending. I knew I always knew like a pop up something, especially when you get out stage every night. Once you get into that rhythm, you start poppin' shit every two nights, then it's every night that you get off stage and you go, I can't believe I fucking said that. You know, and the joke that I think about the most,

just to let people know is when I do Ari's story teller show, when we beat up the nun, Storyteller show when we beat up the nun Four jokes in that thing that were nowhere on the agenda When I said I don't like milk by like milkshakes that that was not on the agenda When I talked about the Puerto Rican kids the whatever brothers Hit them like oh, they look like Roberto Clemente, motherfuckers came out right there. These are the things that will come out of you

once you get on stage a lot and fucking, you know. That's it, that's all I got to say on that. I love this shit, and I can talk it for hours about different, and then you see it in other comics. I've been on you know I've been on stage with everybody and I they've gotten off stage and hey how'd you do man I had this joke I wanted to say motherfucker I forgot the wording and I had it and these are like top guys you know like they're in the game a few years so hey if the video is lagging, it's because the Chinese balloon is in the neighborhood. So, you know, don't worry about nothing. The fucking internet is still tip top of Google.

But it's happened. We've had bad weather here. Trees got knocked down. So, but the heart and soul is still there. You get you still get the voice like a man on fire. You get the guys voice. I caught the last 20 minutes of that the night. Jesus Christ. I hadn't seen it about a year. It's from the part where he makes to do shoot himself. The Puerto Rican dude that was married to Jennifer Lopez from there on the other fucking rampage. And I didn't see that in a while. God damn that. I've been catching some fucking killer movies lately by mistake. The way I like to catch them not playing You just turn the TV on they come in a little fun minutes

fucking tremendous movies lately and I've still been going to bed early For you know what I love watching like I saw man on fire. I saw the getaway was on the other night. I caught the last hour of that. You know, a good week with Steve McQueen, maybe the end of a Charles Bronson movie. They've been playing a movie from 84 from Charles Bronson. It took a movie not really. It's not one of my favorites, a little bit too violent for me. But I caught the fucking beginning of that the other day. So he took the guy off the balcony with a fucking fire hydrant from this. You can't write that shit in the script, you know what I'm saying? And it doesn't bother you

to go in like just with like an hour. I can't watch really. At this point, I could rewrite the movie I've seen it so many times. My point is that I haven't seen it a long time. So like when I told you I watch Scarface, everybody saw a Scarface. I saw it 50 times when it came out when I didn't have it on for 20 fucking years. You know, yeah, it was coming out, oh Netflix had it.

Like let me turn this on and see what it looks like. It was fucking raw, still raw. So I like doing that from time to time. Nothing news coming out. It's like you're planning to go see no fucked the movie the next two weeks. There's really nothing. There's no Christmas movie. I think I think she's going to see Willie want to. I how many times you're going to make a Willie want to fuck the movie. If you're not watching the original, what do you want to? What do we do? I

talk to her about. I solic, listen, the original who he want is to fucking Mac Daddy of Mac Daddy's, but she likes to murder in the Niskai and that guy's who he want from me. I'm trying my best to be a dad, smoked dope, and keep the lights on, you know what I'm saying? That's all you did. It's sad. It's sad that there are no movies coming out on Christmas because that's what I was thinking of doing too.

And I just went and there's nothing. Nothing. You know, I always thought maybe making an investment and like a fucking movie theater and all one and get movies. 10 people told me you're going to lose your shirt because what you got to pay to bring those movies in is fucking hell of high water. So what are you gonna charge $22 you got to charge more in the movie theater Because you have a smaller movie theater AMC got a partner

I'm talking about getting like a 98 Cedar and showing Charles Brunson weekend Bruce Lee weekend Lisa at weekend bringing comics during the week. And you think, and that would be expensive. I thought that's the whole reason I sure had old movies and movie theaters, cause it was cheaper. We'll talk with you in A about the movies, reach out to you.

That was awesome. Everybody join in. That's a Tuesday night club, you know what I'm saying? Maybe Wednesday, play poker and have sucky fucking in the basement for some people in the community, you know what I'm saying? Get the priest in there, get in the party, start it, the shit. Sucky fucking for the community. I went to the hard doctor and he didn't tell him. Okay, and I mean, it's hard doctor.

Like it's a beautiful building. The neighborhood is great, but there's little alleyway. And at the end of the alleyway, there's a little light that just blinks and says massage. I've been to this doctor six times in three years for checkups, blood work. And every time I go, I park the car close to it, just to see if anybody comes out of there or whatever. It's open all the time. So finally this week, I went to the lab, went that last time last week. I walked in, that's sort of the doctor walked in.

I looked at him and go, Dr. I, let me ask you a question. You ever go to the MSI and let somebody take a yes over the feather dog. He just froze up this dude. No, he's ever talked to him like that. He closed his head when he goes, no, and he goes, but I have thought about it. So, holy shit, you asked your talk to them. You got to ask him, you got to blow him out of this fucking whistle. You don't let him know where you stand. If not, he thinks you're an oaky dog like everybody else. Oh my God. I think you might like oaky dog. I don't think he wants people to ask. Oh my God. What are you going to be a dead? Yes.

What? What do you have done to me? He says, oh, yeah, go there every Friday. Give me the code. Give me the code. Give me the 10% off card. Give me the referral. I don't want to touch nobody. I don't kiss nobody. But if somebody wants to blow out their mask with a straw, I'm at that age. I enjoy things like that. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to see your naked. I don't want to touch it. I don't want to talk. I don't want you. But if you want to tickle my asshole with a feather for 25 minutes, go to small 15. How many? Wow.

How did he find out you like what happened? How did he find out you like feeling your asshole of tittle with the feather? Who? You. Oh, when I was like 20, I bumped into a chick that was a pilgrim and he started. Holy shit. Are you gonna do talk like this when in front of your in-laws? Do you have like with your nieces and nephews? Do you fuck with them a little bit? The ones in Tennessee, you know, they're Bible beaters.

I love them, but I can't talk like this. And that's my nieces. I can't talk crazy. Merchant, you can talk a little crazy now. She gets it. Listen, herb in this neighborhood talks crazy. So I don't want to think I'm a fucking quiet boy. That's the farthest thing I am. So, uh, yeah, it fits around her friends. I go off from time to time. I love it. They must love you. I know I've seen them with you. I went off last night, my favorite restaurant, because this fuck, every time I go in there, there's like three waiters, there's sweethearts, but they always want to talk. And if there's music on, and a TV on, and the

dining room is back, I can't fucking hear you. You could talk all you want. And last night, this guy wanted to talk about Memphis. You know, I was smoking Dougus' after G-Jitsu. I think I ate a mushroom cap that looked like Naitonelle. I swear to God, this mushroom cap looked just like a fun Nait night totally on the right foot. So I was on fire. I wasn't planning on going to a restaurant by no means. But my wife, my daughter finally goes, Dad, I want to go eat something after we want to throw our long rides. We want to meet the girls, right? So he came over, you know, what are you doing for the holidays, we're going to last for a long very night. You know, I'm going to Memphis. Have you ever been to Memphis? What are the people like? and I go, listen, what are you talking to me for?

Ask my wife. She's been telling me, see, I don't know nothing. And then, you know, I was having like three conversations at once. I'm in this fucking corner. I got Christmas music over my head. Fucking, I'm trying to watch the fucking game. I got the over in the Dallas game.

I don't look like it's coming in. I don't know what game it was like. And this guy wants to talk to me about fucking Memphis. And the whole time I can't hear it. So finally at the end, they go, can I talk to you for a second? I've been coming here for two. I can't hear it.

You want to give me a fuck and then you beat. And I don't mind. I like everybody talking. But I want you to listen to the music. And I'm deaf. Yeah, when you come over to me sometimes, I go, don't I have a retarded look on my face? I have a face.

I'm tired. When I don't know what's going on and you come over and I'm thinking about something, I'm thinking about what I'm gonna eat dinner. This guy's asking me about my mental. And finally I was like, that guy, when I come in here and talk to me but if there's music and shit, it's how long to buy.

I can't hate you. You wanna come in here talk to me but there's music and shit. It's how long to buy I can't hate you want to come He wants the right to mr. Memphis. We were dying alive. I don't know how to get the Memphis Fucking death Especially when there's a lot of shit going on. I'm not gonna fucking hear you. I'm not gonna hear you What you like I'm not gonna fucking hear you. I'm not gonna hear you. What do you like? I like kind of. What's that? I said, would you like kind of in certain situations? Right. Like I went to therapy a day. I almost broke my ankle just to get out of that. There was a lady 400 pounds or she talked about was a bad knee and she can't you know stop it. You're killing me here. Get on the bike and not get the fuck off. And this went on for I was like two people over there. Well let me tell you what

happened. I'm like come on lady. Get up. Enough with this. You need hurts because you sit on the couch. You let them in the whole day watching fucking game shows. Get up. Get on the fucking bike. Come on, knock it off. She gave him a 20 minute speech. You know, what she's going to do. Oh, we're talking about a fucking break into somebody's internet. I need this. I need this. I'm a convicted film that I don't know. They weren't fucking, you know, internet. They were saying how people are breaking into the internet. But this right now, we didn't come people are breaking into the Internet. But this run on for 30 minutes. We didn't come here to talk about the Internet.

Debelo, let's go get on the fucking bike. Give her a roller skate. Something, you know what I'm saying? I love when that happens. I love watching you. I'm surprised you lasted 30 minutes. What's that? I'm surprised you lasted 30 minutes before you said something about it. You know, I'll be coming a fucking Christian as I'm sure you know what I'm saying? Can I ask you something?

No, not really. Is Catholicism a part of Christianity? I have people who talk, I have no idea. Listen, I don't know, I don't know Jesus went out on Thursday. They stabbed him. He came back on Sunday. He died for a sins. I know Adam and Eve ate the fucking apples.

So we don't have to, we don't have to fuck it. You know, if Adam wouldn't have bit the apple or Eve, everybody, we were lived in paradise. I know things like that. All right. This is so much about, I know about old school Catholicism without getting the finger in my ass. I was there. I lived it. I went to a Catholic grammar school, the whole fucking deal. And, you know, I don't know how I'm, I pray to one God. I don't know what color he is. You know we're all in for a fucking surprise. So just shut the fuck up little work and say your prayers and put a dollar in the basket on Sunday. You'll be fine. That's what I'll do. I love it.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to you and your family brother. We'll talk the next couple of days and we'll keep you guys posted on Christmas or what the fuck we're gonna do. But for right now, we love you. Thank you for letting us come into your home every Tuesday or your car or your fucking whatever. Your hip-pods and thank you for being there for us

the last one. Lee, wake up on your coma. I was, I was, I was living for the last four months. All right, no, we've been on the air together. Oh, we got to get for us for about 12 years. That's crazy, yeah. And we got surprises for you next year. So get ready, cock, suck, to stay black.

And now for a word from my sponsors. The check-in is brought to you by Liquid IV. I know you savages are out there parting like unbelievable when you need to recover fast, turn to lick what I've been listening. You're jumping up and down. It's Christmas. You're drinking eggnog with Stamina juice in it. You got this. You got this. You need to stay hydrated. Liquid IV gets your hydrated two times faster than water alone. and it even comes in a sugar free. Let me tell you something they launched three new flavors the white peach

tremendous the green grape out of this world the lemon lime it's like gatorade and heat and all three of them or set you on fire after a long night of jumping up and down and doing other things you know I'm saying I've been there but I'm not there Now I drink liquid. I be keeps me alive in the morning. You understand me? After a cup of coffee, I drink a little liquid. I be a white peach. I put that thing in it to help me out and boom, no gluten, soy, dairy or GMOs and no artificial sweeteners either. I don't even know what GMOs are. Sugar is replaced with an amino acid alulose blend, which has the same taste and texture, a table sugar. It's tremendous.

Try the white peach. You'll put in a different dimension. You understand me? Grab your liquid IV, hydration multiplier, in bulk, nationwide at Costco. Tremendous, they got a bunch of flavors, they even got combo packs now. So you can try a bunch of different combo packs

or get 20% off when you go direct to liquidiv.com. Use cold Joey. Listen, Uncle Joey is gonna save you 20%. Start the 2024, who will lick what I've been, you're gonna love it. I'm gonna give you 20% off anything you order when you shop for better hydration today using promo code Joey, J-O-E-Y at liquidiv.com that's liquidiv.com. The check-in is also brought to you by Da da da da, factor.

Listen, if you're trying to eat bed in 2024, make it easy on yourself with factor. Factor is America's number one ready meal delivery service that sends chef prepared dietitian approved meals right to your door. They take two minutes to prepare, to prepare. You just heat them up in the microwave on a skillet

and you're all set, tip top magoo. No waiting in line, the grocery store, no chopping, prepping or cleaning up, just an awesome meal right there when you want them. The thing I like about this most is listen, after us on the go, we're trying to eat healthy. This is where fact that comes in. They go. We're trying to eat healthy. This is where factor comes in. They got 35 meal options to choose from every week.

So you'll have much more variety. They come vegan, vegetarian, protein, plus calorie smoothing meals, and you'll never skimp on flavor. Right now, head to factameals.com slash DS50. That's DS50. Go to factameals.com and pressing code ds50. You ready for this? I'm going to get you 50% off. Who's better than factameals?

Nobody that's ds50 at factameals.com. Slash ds50 to get your 50% off. All right. It's the holidays. Enjoy. dot com slash Diaz 5 0 to get your 50% off. All right, it's the holidays. Enjoy.