Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Episode #3 - Developing as a stand up, the truth's place in joke writing, and The NFL Weeks 2-3

Episode Date: September 19, 2023

Welcome back to The Check In! Joey and Lee talk about a lot this week including Aaron Rodgers' injury, the danger of crowdwork, and Joey's thoughts on truth and its place in stand up comedy. Joey and Lee also discuss Week 2 in The NFL and what they think will happen in Week 3.  The Check In is brought to you by: Support the show & get hydrated with Liquid I.V. Take 20% off of anything you order at https://www.liquidIV.com & use promo code JOEY Get 20% off & free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com & use code JOEY New customers can bet $5 & get $200 instantly in bonus bets on DraftKings Sportsbook. Download the app & sign up with code JOEY The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

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I'm on the TV's run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to get up. If Uncle Joey could do it, I could fucking rule the world. I think you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to Shepard! I Pick that phone up bitches. It's Monday What's happening Tuesday? Who you kid Tuesday the 19th? I'm officially 60 and Fucking seven months now from past the 60 and a half

I didn't know you counted half birthdays now. What do you do? Things are bad all over. How's your week going? My week's going great. I had a lot of fun this weekend in Saratoga. That was a blast. Thank you to everyone who came out and said, hi, I had a great week. And then I just it's fun. I love I was driving back and I was just listening to my bets lose. We'll just fund the entire way back. And it was just the green babe hackers. They just fucking broke my heart yesterday. You know, why are you messing with those people? That's still in the state of confusion up there.

Pop is gone. They don't know what's going on. The other fun. Let's start back the last Monday night. Oh God, I feel so bad for them. I felt bad for them, but I got to be honest with you guys. I don't know. I'm a fucking old idiot. Corporations have risk assessment people. You know, I that people have risk. I'm just a fucking, you know, I don't know about football. I don't know the game. But I know the money they were paying them and what they were expecting from them. Like I live here in New Jersey and I go to the gym in the mornings and they always have

when I ride the bike, they have like sports center on and every morning it's, it was like, are they going to win the Super Bowl? You know, it was like guys, the guy's 39. He's got a great defense. He's got a great offense. He's got not a good offensive line. And he's a different fucking Aaron Rodgers. He wears a ponytail now. You know, he doesn't use cheese. He's a vegan. That's a different world. That's like, you know, me with standup. Like, if you hire me now for a headlighting gig, you know what you're gonna get.

I'm gonna go up in and improvise. That's why I don't take the gigs. He took the gig, he took the challenge and he goes down four plays into it. The Jets first of all, did a fucking kiss at that. That was a jet fan last night, my man Steve. I said, you know how the Scientologists give those fucking IQ tests?

Yeah. They gotta go to a jet game with those fucking people and take IQ tests and go, what are you just keep coming in? You're in no danger. You dress up with the fucking silver chain on like a momo with the green shirt on. I mean, they make more on the shirts on what they do from selling tickets. And I don't understand. And I was telling my friends like, I grew

up here in the fucking seventies. And the expectations of your teams were so much bigger. Like, you know, it's even Bellachack and the 70, well, the, the, the, the, the New England Patriots didn't have that dynasty like, you know, fucking the Jets had like in the late 60s, they wanted 69, you know. But all these teams now, we just accept, we go to this fucking stadium we pay three bills of ticket and we got to go home and like you know you got to go back on the train with that jersey they just got killed can you imagine the giant fans last Sunday night how to get back on that train with that giant sheriff 40 or nothing I like that thing on fire when I got home shirtless. You know what we forget.

What happened? Oh yeah, Hamas Sattah. Happy Rochester, Shana, D'Aul and Jews. I've been saying this is day one, don't sleep on the Jews. They're making a strong comeback. But in reality, they never left. I saw a clip today of Ian and Ian Edwards joke where he's saying he likes Jews because they named their holidays after black women and it, uh, fuck, he said there's like, he knows five Russia genres that killed me. But listen, I hate every New York sports team. It may be except the meds, but I respect Jets fans.

Like they've been shitty. I respect them too because they keep showing up. Yeah. Goods gonna happen. They keep showing up. But now we're living in a fucking New York City area where all four teams are fucking god off. I mean the giants play the great game yesterday against Arizona. But this was to kill Arizona. Huh? Arizona. Arizona is trying to lose. They got to they fired their backup quarterback and they hired two backup, they signed two backups who had never played it and they're doing great. Do you see that? There was that one where the Arizona quarterback ran it in and like, the guy looks like he has like a health condition like he has no hair. He He just told over the guy like he just killed him, but they ended up coming back.

The Giants came back but never have I I was here and I don't know. I was here in you know the 80s and the Giants I think ended up winning an 87 or something. They beat Denver or somebody, or I forget the bills. And now, or in the England, I have no idea, but I know that 86, or when the match won, you have four teams, all of them, like, okay, I don't expect all of them to be fucking championship teams, but there was something.

It was always a rare hope in New York, New Jersey area. You know, and now you got four fucking bombs. The Yankees are what they are. If judges at home, they win. If you don't, we go home with nothing. We're fucking lint on our pocket. You know, the meds are fucking atrocious. I try watching them.

You know, I'm an honorary met fan from my mother, but it's so crazy with sports, what we accept now. You look at these teams and if they don't have a fucking quarterback, I mean, we just, we're just dead. You just have no fucking team. You just playing out there. And quarterback is the biggest shortage in the NFL. But who cares about the NFL, my friend? And Raj has got $70 million. I got $2,000 in the NFL. But who gets the fuck about the NFL, my friend? And I just got

$70 million. I got $2,000 in my pocket. At least I got my tendons, knock on wood. How was your weekend, beautiful? Everything was great. I was really, I was actually kind of proud of myself. So I'm kind of proud of myself. So I'm so new at the standup thing, but when I first came back last April, if I was doing a show at a club, I would hate walking, but I would hate. I would be so nervous about remembering, like I'd just go over to my head,

like from each joke I wanted to hit in one order. And then I got a little bit less nervous about that, but if someone like yelled something out, even if I had a joke about it, I wouldn't follow it. I would just kind of like steam roll it. And I would always be disappointed because I felt like it could have been something like cool and seem a little bit more off the cuff

and seem a little bit more like in the moment. And it happened on a late show Saturday. I have, I don't know if you can relate to this. If you ask me to do 15 minutes, I have a pretty solid 15 now and I have 20 and 25, but it's usually the same order. And late show Saturday was the first time that I like followed where the audience like wanted to go I guess like what I

be. And it was it went great. It was like one of the cool it was like one of the most fun I've had on stage. It was a small show, but it was I don't know. I was just really happy that I went with it and followed where it was trying to take me. Very interesting when you called me sad me sadly and I was watching the Colorado Colorado State Camp, when you called me and when you told me that made me very excited because that's a big thing that a lot of comics don't know what to do.

Do you address it or do you not address it? If you're in a room, working in a room, and a waitress comes in, and she's having a rough night and somebody bangs into it and she drops three glasses, and the whole audience notices, you have to react to that in some way or four. I don't want you to go for it if it's a fucking, if there's nothing really there. You know, don't put the waitress down.

Oh, yes. There's so many fucking different things. Don't put the waitress down. You know, I believe in one thing. Sometimes somebody says something that's so fucking stupid that if you join in, it's gonna ruin the fucking show. But sometimes somebody gives you something and it's a what do people call it a hanging vine? I've never heard that but that makes sense. It's just something that's there. It's like when you're going

for a triangle in Jiu-Jitsu and he kind of and also you switch it to an on bar. You saw something that was a hanging limb somewhere, and that's comedy. There's always a hanging limb. I always played it off. If I could take it somewhere, I address it. Sometimes they just throw something right on your fucking lap. And if you don't address it, you feel bad like you have been, but if you address it and it got somewhere to't address it, you feel bad like you have been, but if you address it and

it got somewhere to go with it, there's an old tape of mine that I was at the flappers with you one night. I got on stage with them in two fucking minutes. I got to say some lady goes, talk about the Jews. Okay, in my world, let's just use that for an example. If I go shut up, lady, I don't talk about the Jews. You know, they've suffered through, you know, that's the typical Hollywood comic that would say it.

Let's talk about the Jews. Let's talk about the fucking Jews. Obviously, she said that because he's Jewish. I had to look real close because I can't see them. I'm gonna talk to you. You know, Rasha Shana says it to me and fuck, and she's black. So I played with the jujo. And at one, it was good that night.

Now, some nights is gonna be bad and some nights is gonna be good. And some nights, Lee, you're gonna have a 45 minutes fight. And at the third minute of your show, somebody's gonna say something, and you're gonna run with it all the way to the end of the show. You're gonna get off the stage going,

I can't believe I didn't say a joke. See, that gives me anxiety. I haven't done that. I haven't had, like I've had lived for maybe three minutes. Like I, I get, I don't feel like I'm funny enough yet to just go off off the cuff and not do material. When did you start doing that? Like not doing material? When I first started comedy, I was very anal like you and I would not go up there without a prepared set. And sometimes I would just do like what's that I had three minutes I'd put like three jokes.

Equate them to be one minute a piece but there'd be ten seconds a piece. Right. And it would be two fucking minutes of that air and I started reaching. That's what I call it, reaching, you know. And then I got comfortable with comedy, but I came to New York and I made one of the biggest mistakes that allowed New York comics. Make this, they speak to the audience. They call it ball-busting. And for a while, I got involved in that. When you ball-bust, you're telling me you don't have material. So when I come right up on stage, and I'm like, how you doing? I'm Lisa, what do you do for a living?

And yes, it's entertaining for a while. But eventually a club owner's gonna go, hey, you have any material you can't keep up for rising in my club. And sometimes when we good at it, some guys get really good at it. And I appreciate that. But again, it's like going to Vegas

and throwing a 50-50 dice. I don't know where my set's gonna go. And that's great when you're an MC and a feature act. But when you're a headline, unless you're really good at it, they're paying 25, 35, 45 bucks to see you. That, you know, that's great that you can talk to the audience for 20 minutes. But they're there to hear about you.

And your world, your world is different from their fucking world. Do you, do you ever use it as a way to like, my new material? Like if you weren't headlining, like if you you were doing a set at like the ice house or the store, but you never really, I don't even really remember you doing it that much. You would add live yourself, but I don't really remember you talking to the crowd that much. No, because it took me a long, it's like playing basketball and getting a rebound and dribbling going right back up. That's the

worst thing you could do in basketball as a forward. Is bring the ball to the ground and dribble it. And once you start to doing it, it's a hard fucking habit to break. And once you start talking to the audience, it's a very hard habit to break. It's a habit that I started in 92 and a half when I started at the broker as a house MC. And then I came to New York in 93 and I fueled it with the clubs in New York. I saw it working and I would try to do it.

And then when I moved back to Colorado, I tell them 93 again, I was back into there. And then something happened in 94 that I got to start right material and I did. When I got to Seattle, I started doing it again. Thank God Seattle was a little bit more structured of the city for me and the club managers spoke to you after you set. With my situation, there was a gentleman named Carl Womann-Oven. I just spoke to him on Facebook the other day. He was the

club manager on Mondays, and he would always talk to you a little bit, and he said to me, you don't want to take that habit down to how I. And what about what was it about him that like you took his advice because I would imagine there'd be some club managers who be like, fuck you. He was very knowledgeable about stand up and just the way he spoke to you. There was never a disrespectful in any way a sense and then I gained respect from him and I would talk to him after all my set.

Yeah, I would talk to him after all my sets just why not on a Monday and Tuesday? Why not? What are there any other because I have one like bad habits that you got into as a stand-up on stage? Speaking to the audience, going on stage with a bottle of alcohol. Really? Okay. As a young comic, you trying to be cool, you're trying to, those guys that go up on stage with the drink with the fucking straw and they suck on it or they jiggle the ice cube. It's been done already. Be original. You know, be original. You're're gonna go up there with the drink to get counted. Who's got that drink on? First time I go see a con. Who's got that drink on?

I abandon the fucking ship. What's it got to do? What joke is there about my drink on? Right. You know, I had like a terrible and I told you about it. Like three to six months. I was jumping off early. Like sometimes like right as the light hit. I don't know what it was. And I didn't want to and I tried to fight it. But I was so nervous about running the light that I just like for like months couldn't help but get off like two three minutes early and

Thankfully, it stopped but When I first became a comic for the first five or six years I Was speaking in English, but I was talking in Spanish What does that mean that was I was talking in English? But I was using my Cuban speed talking techniques to get through the jokes because I was very petrified. We all do that. If you told me I had five minutes, I swear to God, I would do two and I'm like, I'm good with that. No, you're not good with that. You gotta go up there and do your material. You give me 15 minutes, I show up and do eight and go,

I'm good. For a long time, that was my bad habit, I'm good. No, bitch, go up there, you owe me seven fucking minutes. That was a hurdle. Learning how to slow it down, get the confidence to slow it down, assert yourself and it's something with your body language, where you're holding your ground, but you're not in a fight.

It's the Florida rule, hold your ground, whatever, some guy with dirty feet, hit you in the head with a fucking bottle. But no, the whole thing is fucking once it and it takes years guys to hold your your ground technique is just my confidence. You're not getting around me. You know what I'm saying? Like you're not getting around me. That's what you're thinking about, but that body language lets them know that you're running

things. You know, a person gets heckled because he gave three or four people the idea that he was self-conscious or insecure. What gives you that idea? So that's when the heckling starts. Everybody gets heckled. I got heckled except I didn't a lot of times. I let them throw the heckled up and you don't assert you don't you know it's a stupid heckle. And if you do heckle back you're going to get into an argument and that's not what your crowd came to see. You winning an argument on stage is not what your crowd came to see. So, what's that? I, it's one of my least favorite things as like a stand up fan is when I go

and like the comic is right away like talking shit on the audience. Like the yellows and... That's a young comic. That's a young comic that thinks that, like myself, audiences are different. I used to pre-qualify audiences. Like, you know, look at these guys are old and they're not going to get that joke. You know, now, all audiences are the same.

You're the one that fucked up this episode. You're the one that fucked up this set, you know, when it's like anything else, you got 10 sets, you're going to bomb all 10 of them in the first couple weeks. And after that, you pick up momentum. You do well, two other 10 sets and then three other 10 sets, then you bomb the 25 sets and then you destroy for six sets. The whole goal is of getting on stage so much that you flip the percentages on them. And now I'm not going on, now I'm trying to hold my fuck. I would love to bomb before I got off comedy. Hold on.

There you go. I really caught the, the Colostrum is working, Jack. What the fuck is Colostrum? It's breast milk. Oh, okay. It's breast milk. Oh, okay. Yeah. You drink breast milk now?

Yeah, I got a little chicken to garage, I hang her upside down, I suck at these. Oh, I fucking got a, it's a powder, you order. And you mix it in with the liquid I.V. Ooh, I'm sweating. Oh, I'm a diet, I don't miss those parts. No'm sweating. I'm sweating. I don't miss those sports. No, it's a good one.

It smells pretty healthy. It's got some catered baritone, but I would have fuck catabaded. I don't know. I listen to anybody bother me before. I got 600 in me and two from the afternoon. Two pieces of fucking psilocybin mushrooms, you know.

Jesus Christ. We got new all-ins right now. We got a, they're playing, I forget who Carolina. Carolina. And then they 15. Tonight we got ourselves a fucking old school rivalry that Cleveland Browns with the Sean Watson and a bunch of masseuses showing up at the Pittsburgh up there the fucking and who the fuck knows man. I'm just happy to see you.

I had a great weekend. My brother Mike came up from Delaware. Oh, my brother Mike runny. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we came up from Delaware. We hung out side of the night, we went and got a great fucking stake. And then we went up to the metal ends, to the racetrack. Did they have races? No, I go up there to see a fucking play by the Liz Liza Manelli. Yeah, they got races, cock suckle. I don't know, they can't, they close a lot of those things. I'm gonna be as honest as I can with you. I didn't even know the racetrack was behind me until I was getting ready to leave. Because we were in the fan-duel center

because my friend was playing on the third floor, his band, the past masters, Steve and four. Can I grow up with since day one, great band. The guy from the Good Rats was dead, they did take it to Detroit. Fucking great. It was just, it was on a rooftop. I didn't drink any alcohol. I smoked like 15 joints and I went up there.

I ate a couple mushrooms and I listened to them. I saw a bunch of kids from high school. A bunch of girls from high school was great to see him. I'm surprised you even went down there. What's that? I'm surprised you even went down there. What's that? I'm surprised you even went down there. Trust me, me too. But I had to get out of the house. I had to go see my man of the low. It's been too long, you know, and it was a perfect night, you know, it was perfect. It was it's September

in New York City, brother. San General Feast started last Thursday and I still haven't gone over that because I want to go on the daytime But the nights this week are gonna be so fucking beautiful like it rained here all day, but tonight's fucking beautiful It isn't your favorite time in the in New York in the fall. Yes, yes, what about it? And the cuz I love I love everything about New York, but like why is the fall your favorite? Cuz it's just something in the end. The Yankees are in the playoffs, no, not this year. Well, that's why when 9-11 happened,

it hit me so hard because I knew that's the time of the year and it'll be in New York City. Now they're a little fucking fiesta was torn down by, so I always think of that. I love this time of the end of New York City. It's fucking beautiful. It really is beautiful. It's a nice, good point.

You know what I'm saying? When you get mugged out, you don't feel so bad. You can get on the street by some guy who hates Asians. You don't feel so bad. I think I hit on 50 second street. It was a beautiful day. The sun was out. I landed on a puddle of piss instead of fucking acid, you know,

whatever. Oh, thank God. Have you gotten mugged in New York? When I was a kid, they tried some in the Bronx, yeah. I got cha, I went to a play, a fucking toy store in the Bronx. My mother's dry cleaner was around the corner. And you know in those days you had to fucking toy store in the Bronx. My mother's dry cleaner was around the corner. And you know in those days, you had to be careful up in the Bronx. So I had the $20 bill in my sneaker.

It smelled like fucking gorilla glue and fucking God knows what else. And when I went to get at the toy store, when he gave me the change, the kids saw me. And to sure enough, I walk out of there and fuck and I got three little fucks and kids walking behind me. And then I just started running on Tremont Avenue. And I made it to the dry cleaner before they could get the filthy little hands on me.

And then maybe a year later, they tried to mug me in Central Park for my lunchbox. I'm not that one. Yeah. And then pretty much when you're walking around, like I was training, I was trained to walk up there in the 70s and 80s. It was, let's not can tell you a bunch of lies.

It was what it was. How you present yourself on stage, how you stand up, that confidence, it's the same thing when you're walking those streets. So it's just something that you learned, you know, we were talking about last week, about how I don't touch the microphone and people who's their mind, you know, once I found that, but it took years for me to get that. I just didn't pop up on stage and go, I'm not going to touch the microphone. It took years of trial and error. And that trial and error, how to touch the mic, how to hold you. You ever see an open mic when he pops his elbow up and you know,

he's green on the mic stand? I could tell what you're doing by the way you hold the mic. I, you, you've always told me that and I've always followed your thing. I, I know you're gonna give me a shit for this. Have you ever, have you watched any of Mrs. Maisel on Amazon? No.

And I'm sure you hate it. The one thing that, and it could actually like the show, the one thing that upset, she always leaves the mic stand in front of her, which is like, I don't take the mic out, but that's the one thing like everyone taught me is like, if you're going to take the mic out, you got to move the mic stand. And she always leaves it in front of her and it bucks a shit out of me. You don't like that show? Everybody has their own thing. And when you pull her aside and you ask her one night, like when you have a coffee, Ms. Maisel,

why do you leave the fuck a microphone there? She'll tell you. She'll tell you something that in her mind, she thinks she's fat and she fucking wants to hide behind the mic. I mean, we all have the craziest fucking reasons. Everybody has a fucking different reason on why they do things. Lee, what works for me might not work for you.

And what works for you might not work for me. I was talking to Lenny Clark the other day, great Boston comic. He was in one of Rodney's specials, Bill Hicks and dice fucking he was dead, you know, he was fucking dead. And we were talking about something and I go, I don't know how you're feeling today, but I want you to know something that for a year I tried to be you. I went out and I put it, I bought so many suits on a credit card, like I had a credit card from my divorce. Right.

And I would, whatever it was, I forget the the store the guy's name was Bob Schultz And I would get a suit from every week and they would always have to have a label inside Even if this I would get like a label to put in there Because Lenny Clark when he did the set that night is jacket open and he had a label in that I Love that look on stage. I tried it for a year and then I had a finally fucking give back the suits because it wasn't working for me. But I didn't know I tried. Was it was it that you didn't feel comfortable? Do you think the audience didn't like not that they believe they were a suit audience working by it.

You can't put a silk hat on a peg. The audience was not fucking by it. And I'm okay with that. They want me to be a hood of sweatshirt, sneakers, or dearest jeans that all came to play later on. I used to wear work boots on stage. That don't work. I'm not a construction fucking worker.

How do I find this out by trying? Trying. I love, I'm very lucky to get to go and do some shows with Josh Wolf every once in a while. He told me that he would do experiments for a year. Like for a year he sat down on stage. For a year he walked around. For a year he left down on stage. For a year he walked around. For a year he left it in the

stand. And like, it's, it like, so it's, to me, it's so scary to test things out like that because I feel like every time I do a set anywhere, I'm audition, like I'm auditioned like trying to prove that I belong there. Well, that's, I was thinking about that. I'm sorry to interrupt you, but let's say you're a feature act. Let's say you're an MC and you go to, let's just make up a club, Joey's stay counts. And then you go to first year as an MC, then the second year, he really likes you,

he puts you as a feature. And then he puts you in there again as a feature. Now you're in there, one MC and two feature times. He pretty much likes you. You know what? On a Thursday night and on a Wednesday night, I don't know why you're not experimenting. On a Sunday night, I don't know why you're not experimenting. They already like you. You're not going to lose your, I get the first two times you perform there. You want to be like, listen, nobody wants to eat a bag of shit. But you got to try, you got to try your new stuff.

And you have to, I really like, like, listen, man, I love stand up. And I love being impressed by stand up. I love watching a stand up and going, fuck, fuck, and saying, I could never do that today. I can't do that today. Tomorrow, maybe in a year. So I always like to keep it fresh. You know me, you've worked with me for years. You know that I like to even move my material from set to set, even if it's just a material change. Because that's how many fucking people come to the early show and the late show. How many fucking times right we show in Chicago and then the dumb agent would book me like

in Toledo or high on it's the same fucking audience four hours away. Now they're telling me, I want to see you in Chicago and I'm like, God damn it. I got to come up with material out of my ass because I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck if it's one day or six months ago. If you see me within a year, I should have new material. Well, I can't be a town once a year, every 18 months. Right. I should have a new 45 minutes that should not be a joke heard. There should not be so many fucking things. But the crazy thing with you, God, bro, was even way before I started saying that when like back with the either you or the priest, the first thing that we did, the first CD that we did, everyone else, when they're recording a CD or a special does, they might move around the order a little bit,

they might change a word here or there. You never did the same joke the same way. Now, it blew my mind and it would annoy me because I was trying to edit it between it. But to this day, I don't know how you did that. that it between it. But like you I don't even know I to this day I don't know how you did that. Well, it's 20 years Lee. It's 20 years. At the end of 20 years, if you don't have a complete grasp on this art, you didn't work this fucking art. Okay, we don't have a complete grasp on it. Somebody told me that's great that you're doing comedy 10 years. Come see me when you're doing

comedy 20 years. And I got to be honest here, they were right. I saw a lot of a lot of improvement, a lot of confidence, a lot of... Remember I told you that towards the before the pandemic, that last year before the pandemic, I was learning things. I was going on stage and doing something and going, where the fuck did I get that from? Not to you or anybody else to myself. And for some reason, my mind would take me to a specific night where I was in Montana or Salt Lake City doing a trouble run or doing some club.

Who the fuck knows? But I would say, wow, thank God I did that that night because I would have never done it. Like it's just crazy. You just improve, but you gotta give it a fucking chance. And now with Instagram and Twitter and all this shit, it makes the comedian take 50% of his time to work on that.

And he should just be focused on the standup part of it for the first five or four years. I would, I would because I know I'm just pissing somebody off on Instagram with my stupid fucking jokes. Right. And you know what that was? there's been a lot of talk. And I'd love it. And it doesn't even matter about the specific comic, but there's been a lot of talk about

how much of your act is coming from truth and how much of it is made up. Do you have any opinion on being able to, you know, not fabricate, but make things funny and change what happened? Let me give you a story here that I always thought about. I was very scared of always doing this joke. I was petrified at doing this joke. And when I would do it, I would go, fuck, I'm done after tonight. I'm gonna wake up on Monday and there's gonna be a notice that my daughter's gonna be three police officers with an animal control animal, you know, because people will just believe anything. I had a joke that I did cope with my cat. Okay, yeah. The story of the matter was, let's get down to basics.

One night I came home, fucked up on Coke, where I was getting coked up there. And the cat came over to me and then my, anybody who's done cocaine, you're lonely. So I kind of started talking to the cat, you know, like, what do you think? And I caught myself and I'm going, and my fucking retarded. And you had a whole conversation,

like I thought that he was talking back to me. Like not like what his words, like, hey, you're a fucking idiot, but, I were pathically just, again, and my cocaine derived mind in 2000, or 2002. And one night, I was really fucked up, and he came out to sit with me. He wouldn't sit with me. He'd sit right here by the computer, and I'd be on the computer, making believe I wasn't coped out,

but I really was. Just so the fucking guy in the circle there that's watching me wouldn't see me doing coke. I would hide from the little circle. I was in the camera. Yeah, yeah. And I gave him one that I took a coke rock and he sniffed like his nose, the coke rock wouldn't fit in his fucking nose. So I put it in the middle and he just like sniffed it and he went away.

That was it. That's the true story. What did I turn it into? Yeah, I love that. I'm two weeks. I gave my line. So I turned a three minute story into a 25 minute story. It was 80% fabricated.

But that's what made it funny. Everybody knew I wasn't doing cat with my coat with my cat. But I knew eventually there'd be some motherfucker that would go dog. That was the most uncomfortable position I've ever been in. And I would talk about getting paranoid with him that we look out windows together. It's something that happened and I took it to the next level of fabrication. But everybody knew, you know what I'm saying?

When I told the hookah story, when I told the hookah story, that was a real story. When I told the hookah story, that was a real story. The fabrications were exaggerations of what we were doing. Like when we had a fist fight in the car and we threw punches at each other for 10 minutes, that's a lie. That's a plan out lie. We'd probably threw two smacks at each other, and everybody was yelling and screaming because everybody was nervous, a black chicken, a car with a wigs, swinging a fucking straight razor. That's never a good fucking look right there, you know what I'm saying? But do you view it as a lie?

Huh? Like that word, I don't view it as a lie. It's not a speech. It's a, we're trying to make people laugh. A lie to me seems like a very negative like we're doing something to I don't know. I don't feel it as a lie. I never told a joke that was completely fabricated like I was in a city one day trying to get some weed And I you know, I was here. I was in New York City. I wasn't living here.

I was passing through. And I landed on authority. And I checked my bags at like one of those lockers. And I could be a train up to Harlem. And I went looking for weed and I couldn't find. And the next thing, you know, I went to get the a train back. And when I went downstairs, I saw a crackle. I was on the phone with Josh Wolf.

And he'll tell you that the girl came up to me and she's like, for $3.00 and a lighter, I suck your dick. And I'm like, Josh, did you hear that? I did a whole bit on that years later, that, you know, and it was basically for $3.00 and a light out of your dick and I go, hold on, and this is a true story. I go, how about a dollar in a book of matches? Go fuck yourself, you fat stinky mother fucker. I'm like, fuck you bitch. And she walked away and she came back and she goes, okay, $2.00. I mean, it was just something that it was at the end.

That what do you think I'm gonna go into a fucking cave with it or something like that? He crazed you for two dollars. Listen, it's like getting the fucking all the house fake for two dollars. You're eating somebody's fucking pots and you're not able to take, you know, what's a two dollar blow job and a train station gonna be like

eight six hundred per like Purple until next fucking Whatever rushes Shana you can't even go to grandma's to eat the fucking Because your dick is purple, you know, it's a $2 blow job. I was never gonna go into that I don't think the joke took me to that she suck my dick. It's like we aren't gonna argue me She had a black eye and what she did. And that was the truth. I said, well, you smoke crack. And she goes, no, I fell down or something. I forget what the whole thing was. But that was something that happened that I turned into something else. And you don't, because I don't feel like I don't, I don't know, I don't feel like the most,

they had a whole article about someone and I just don't, I don't know, I don't feel like it's a negative thing. I don't feel like we're going out there telling our life story, like it's, it would be crazy. Like that's, I don't know, I don't do feel like your life is, maybe your life is, funnier than most, I just feel like, you know, you take, that's what like learning how to make things funny. So that's why I think storytelling is so hard. I'm not good at it right now. Right now. It's so hard. It's

so much different. Yeah. Because yeah, you're looking at it different. I did too. I didn't discover storytelling till 1999. I was nine years into comedy. And I moved to LA and the vagina monologues was big. So I wanted to do something to compete with it. And I called it the testicle testaments. When years later, you and I revisited them with stories. Uh-huh. The testicle testment was a story

where you found out you had balls. Not that you fucked a neighbor, not that you beat up Nicky from the corner of a different situation. But hold on, we'll leave it at that. I gotta give a word out to my sponsors this week before the fucking game starts and get their action and all right. Give me two minutes. I'll be right back and now for a word from my sponsors. What's happening beautiful people Uncle Joey here to keep you posted

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in bonus bets only at Trap King Sportsbook, the official sports betting partner of the NFL, and official sports betting partner of the NFL with Cole Joey. In other words, when you were draft King's, the crown is yours and Uncle Joey's with you too. I'm over here throwing heat with draft King's. So download the app, use Cole Joey,

and let's start having some God damn fun. Gammer problem, call 1-800-Gamble or visit www.1-800-Gamble.net. If you're in New York, call 877-8-Hoke-New York or text, hope-New York 467-369. We're back Jack. Anyway, we were talking about fucking telling the story and that's how stand up is. Stand up is whatever you want it to be. It's an art. It could be storytelling. It could be one-liners. Basically, it's how your world collides with the rest of the world. When I told the story about punching a fucking nun in that, who would ever think of attacking a fucking nun, that collides

with people's inner, that's what you're doing. You're colliding with the inner structure. This motherfucker won out of none when he was 10 years old. What the fuck, you know, that's what it is. Was the non-story of lie, not at all? Was it exaggerated parts? Absolutely. Absolutely. That's what makes it funny. Right.

If people don't understand that, who gives a fuck? That's what the problem is with stand-up today. You got too many chiefs and none enough Indians. There's too many people laying claims on people's sets and they're looking and who the fuck are you? You're even lasted as a fucking stand up for a year. Let me see your fucking tapes on stand up. You know, that's why I joined Jiu-Jitsu.

Because I was really pissed off when I would watch UFC or listen to MMA fighting coverage. These people putting these fighters down, but they've never done the training. I'm horrible at Jiu-Jitsu, horrible. But I go because I understand what these guys go through. It's always people who want to put this shit down that don't go through that at some level.

I don't know what it is to fucking sleep on a bus, or they can't understand. You got in the trailways bus to do a free set two hours away. There's some people that I never understand that. But they'll dress up and fucking pick me and go to a rater game and jump up and down like a fucking gogoo. So we all have our different fucking thoughts. Oh, absolutely. But that, that thing, because you've always, for years have equated standup to like fighting, like you can see parallels. I was trying to think,

because I've been watching a lot of football, we've been talking about football. To me, like I always hear like, you know, defense wins championships, you can't do, we can't be a good team without defense. Is there something like that relates that to stand up? Is there one part of stand up that you think is like if you don't have this you're not going to be a good stand up? Well, the number one thing about a stand up is insight in how he looks at things.

The difference on how he could thwart the thought, like George Carlin was fucking the king of that, he could look at something Anthony Jezzelmeck, you know, there's so many guys that have an eye. I was watching some Mitch Hedberg about a week ago. Oh my God, he was talking about something fucking simple. And he broke it down to the common denominator. And when I watch Mitch headberg, I realize how lazy we've become a stand-up comics. Because Mitch headberg, Mitch headberg wrote a

fucking hell of a joke, bitch. Mitch, Bradberg wrote a hell of a fucking joke and a hell of a bit and just there was just something about it. I just saw one of his sets on Instagram. Maybe a couple days ago, two, I don't know, and it was fucking brilliant, you know, and listen, storytelling, and I'm the first one to tell you. The storytelling, speaking to the audience. And I know some people are gonna disagree with me, but it's, you're going away from the standup routine. I was raised at the standup routine as a set up punchline.

And you can have that in storytelling. How do I know? Cause I did it in storytelling. But at first, I just want you to grasp, set up punchlines. That's the most important thing to grasp. And, you know, let your mind go wherever the fucking goes. You saw a dunking on stage with a fucking dope with a dummy, singing fucking wish you were here. Let it go.

Who gives the fuck what they think? It's what you fucking think anyway. That's what stand up is, is how your world collides with everybody else's fucking world. That's why people say, I can't believe you're driving for a fucking hours to pick up 50 dollars.

They don't see it that way. You do. You see something to it. But then again, you don't see the profit and sell a land way and knock on doors and tell them people, I have an iron for sale. That guy probably does that for a living. So never just would stand up. Listen, man, I wasn't the best writer in the world. I told you last week it was all energy with me. I knew how to throw my voice. I knew how to command you with my voice. I know how the word isn't command it's controlled by different levels of your voice and different pitches. You know, these are things that I had to use. You know, some people use steroids. You know, these are things that I had to use, you know, some people use steroids, you know, some people use this.

The more sets you do, you find that you find that how you can take advantage of every situation. From the marijuana use, you know, I want you to not smoke dope and go on stage right now. Not you, you could do whatever the fuck you want. But these guys will one to three, focus on the standup. Focus on the standup. And just write, I want you to, you know, people say that if I do current affairs, current events, the joke only lasts for a week yet,

but you don't understand, you're writing. It's an exercise. It's a fucking great exercise. You know, it's funny the other night when you called me and we're talking about me and about your set on Saturday night. I thought about one night when I was at the improv and I was showcased with the APA. Okay.

And I was at home all afternoon, just writing notes with no shirt on, smoking cigarettes. I was fucking just trying to write jokes and I'm trying to write all these fucking Mitch Hedberg type jokes, which I would never was. But also that's eyewitness news.

And you know in LA they give you eyewitness news and they go to in La Humbera. And I swear to God, these are the first two stories in La Humbera. A kid got stuck in a sewer and they go to the La Humber and the little fat Mexican kid is stuck in the sewer, you know, his parents are begging to come out. He stuck, or you can see his little head and the fire department's rubbing butter on him, pulling him out of him. And he's like, ah, ah, ah, ah.

And I don't know what happened to me. I'm going to another story in Hawaiianville. You know, down there, we're all the Hawaiians. Are you know, two type of poopu, the quarterback from the fucking Miami dolphins. Where is he from? Hawaii, isn't he from Hawaii? They have a it's where my man got arrested so the quarterback from Colorado

Oh Moa Ocean side. I'm sorry No, the guy that died in the in the 90s that he got the the coaches daughter pregnant Anyway, yeah, you guys don't know dick relax fucking that he's so so What we fucking talking about you now the edible start to kick it. It was a second news story Right, so the second news story would be going live the ocean side and they show off some moan guy and a Simone girl argue on the street

And she's holding on to a truck right okay all of a sudden you see the little someone because the Simone chick was bigger than the Simone guy this is one of those fucking rare situations they were dating and also they showed the Simone guy haul off and punched the Simone chick in the face and she basically goes down like a weebos wobble, bangs ahead and pops back up to a feet. In that instant, the guy got in her truck and started taking off and you see her chasing him down the street. A sandal had broken off and she had one sandal on her feet were like mind big dry and ugly with missing toenails and shit and she's running and chasing the truck and also you see a

dive into the truck and he speeds up and she misses and she's like taking off BB talking about Hawaiian music and not always shit. So I go to this fucking APA thing and hour later, two hours later and I get up on stage and I thought I had two great jokes and I thought my first two jokes and guess what happened. Dick, that's what happened. I didn't get even a peep and something made me stop and I said, anybody wants the news tonight? Anybody see that fat little kid gets stuck in the sewer. And I just went with it. What the fuck was he doing in the sewer?

Looking for a fucking burrito? Your fat fuck, get home, do your homework. I just ran with it. And then I went into the ocean side thing. I didn't even know what I was talking to. But it was a seven minute showcase. So I killed five minutes with those two jokes. And then I threw my clothes in. Wala.

Falking. But the bad news was, APA never signed me. You know what I'm saying? So did they like that like the stuff on off the cuff though? The audience liked it. The audience, I really did. I'll never forget those two because,

and after that, I start watching the news, but the jokes weren't any good after that. It was just that particular two stories, you know. That's crazy. That's really, it's, you know what I mean? I really appreciate, I love being your friend, but like, it's one of the most frustrating parts about comedy is I feel like the most comics at my level

that don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff. So I love just being able to throw this stuff out there. And I like that you call me after your show as well. It's still fresh on your mind because it gives me a couple days to think about an answer for you. But I swear to God when you would tell me that story, that's all I thought about was fucking the the the Mexican kid that got stuck in the sewer put best. I wonder what they are today. He's probably got a bunch of tattoos in place where he fucking sewer boy.

Oh, he probably does cameos. I was a sewer boy. So let's talk about football. First week coming up. So, listen, I got the only bet I've ever won. I beat you in Kansas City Jaguars. I'm fucking I'm happy about that one. I saw it. Congratulations, Cox. Only one I'm going to have all see.

You get to crazy remember when you're going to grab Kings, you got a motherfucking profit boost. Right now you got the Saints in Carolina at three a piece. The line is still Cleveland two and a half over the Steelers. Who do you like there in the second game? Fuck no. I'm gonna go with Cleveland because I feel like Pittsburgh and I actually have. Do I pitch for no, but I think Cleveland's gonna be Pittsburgh. I think Cleveland's pretty good. They got that good. They got to make a job on defense. Okay. Now Thursday night, you got the giants against the 49ers in San Francisco. Giants San Francisco is giving 10 to have points to the poor giants. They

had a great game in Arizona. What do you like that, Tarzan? I think that one, to me, is going to be sand. I think San Francisco is going to just destroy him. I don't think it's going to be close. But that's, see, the stuff with the points there freaks me out. I looked at that one, and I'm like, 10 plus a lot of fucking points. I think San Francisco is going to kill him, but you don't make any money betting, because San Francisco is going to kill him, but you don't make any money betting. Just San Francisco will win. The San Francisco win was like minus, you know, 1200 or something last time. I don't even know what I like.

If you bet the giants getting $25, you only win 47. So if you bet fucking San Francisco and you bet $25 on them, you win 47. With this, you win either or. If I take the money line on San Francisco, I win four hours and 54 cents at the right. There's nothing. With football, the thing I like about drafting is the more legs you add, the more money you win. So for a guy like me, like last night, I didn't do it yesterday because I was,

I did something else yesterday afternoon. I Would always bet you calling to score it. He scored two yesterday, but I didn't bet anything So when I bet the Giants, I would usually bet you Claw and get a profit boost That's what I like the most tonight. You get a 50% profit boost any Monday night game So that means if I opt in to the profit boost at draft Kings tonight and they don't have these all the time and that's why I tell people you got to get jump on top of these cock suckers. So before was now if I put the fuck was my draft boosted. Now if I put the fuck was my draft boosted

But those things they they got me last night with that I had Tyree kill 75 yards or more and they gave me like a 100% profit boost and he had 40 yards. It's the only good thing the Patriots did last night Okay, so with the profit boost I Make 48 dollars if I went Pittsburgh and with the profit boost, I make $48 if I put Pittsburgh and with the profit boost. Ooh, hold on, this is a good profit boost. I get 5760. So it just went up on a $25 bet. So if I take Cleveland Brown's minus two and a half, I got a 50% profit boost, maximum 100% wager. How

you gonna act if you're fucking rims don't are clean. Anyway, you got the giant in San Francisco. You also got Buffalo at Washington. And plus six and a half. You got Jacksonville playing the Houston Texans in Jacksonville. Yeah, that one. There's a lot of like one sided ones next week, I think. Yeah, you got Miami playing the Broncos in Miami, the first home game of the season, giving six and a half that'll probably go up to seven. This is a phenomenal game next week. Indianapolis Colts against the Baltimore Ravens and Baltimore, Baltimore, given seven and a half. Detroit's playing Atlanta and Detroit, given three and a half. I'm going to go with Detroit on that game.

How was it for one second. I'll pause you for one second. Oh, go ahead. That for the Colts in the Baltimore. See that one, I think Baltimore should win, but when I checked before, the over under was 44. Yeah, and I think it's gonna go, oh, could I look?

So this is one, and I don't know if I'm overthinking it. The Colts have allowed 31 and 20 points. Yeah, I'm overthinking it. The cults have allowed 31 and 20 points. Yeah, you're overthinking it. You don't think it's gonna be over 44? She don't work for it. Yeah, but let the line, it's only Monday. Let the line breathe for a couple of days.

And let's see where it goes before you start making selections on the overnight. Cause that's your good shift, three points. Something's gonna happen down to three points Something's happening on the three points So yeah, listen man Ravens could throw up some points Indianapolis calls got a new quarterback This is pointing at an overland. They're like well, we have shouldn't it go over? You never see the bookie with a part-time job

Next New England Patriots in Harrah land day. The jets are, look at this, New England's given three points. We had, because, and I feel so bad for whatever his name is, the new, the Jets quarterback, but we, we just destroy him. I think we're going win this game But it's if we if we lose to the jets if the Patriots lose to the jets Bill Bell ejection have to retire that would be Embarrassing I was watching them last night and I'm like with all the great things he's done It's time for somebody to tap mom the shoulder to say it's time to go You've won. I don't know how many rings you've done so many great things

You're just you got a team that it's gonna you you don't have enough time to turn them around No, he's got to get start off fucking new again with these guys. He's too old. He's done what he had to do He has he has nothing to prove for the people of Washington or New England or anybody so Who gives a fuck? He has nothing to prove to the people of Washington or New England or anybody so Who gives a fuck? Anyway, you got the charges playing the Minnesota Vikings. I don't know. I don't like these two teams Cleveland Brown to play in the Titans minus four. Let's see what happens tonight I rezona is playing the cobboys in Arizona

Arizona's playing the Cobb boys in Arizona. Arizona's plus 12 points. Kansas City's playing Chicago and home. Kansas City's minus the 13. I like that bet. Pittsburgh is giving one to the Raiders. And next Monday night you got. What is this shit two fucking games again? These people getting fucking

creepy filled out figures tap a bay and the Rams against Cincinnati that's a great game in Cincinnati I think my boy is hurt Joe Barlow yeah Joe Barlow is hurt yeah and Major League I've been doing okay this is what I like about here, man. Let me see, the match in Marlins are tied up since Sinatti's win. You know, I got them tonight with the profit boost, and I also got Philadelphia over at Atlanta, Atlanta.

It's the third inning. If you know anything about Atlanta, they come back fucking every game. You bet that money line. Right now Atlanta is losing by two. If you put a 25 on the ball, and now they're not taking fucking money line. Right now Atlanta is losing by two. If you put a 25 all above and now they're not taking fucking money line because I decided to hit the fucking board. We think I'm Lisa. Yeah, there you go. Boom. So if I take the

money line right now for Atlanta. If I back 25 hours on the Atlanta Braves right now on this third inning. He get back 7750. Are they losing? Yeah, but in the third, they're losing the Philadelphia. They got Philly's picture, a great guy tonight. Forget what his fucking name is, it don't matter. And but that's one day, man. I like looking at baseball because everybody's betting football. Listen, it doesn't, it doesn't mean you're a big shot. that I like looking at baseball because everybody's betting football.

Listen, it doesn't, it doesn't mean you're a big shot. If you know who's going to win New Orleans or Carolina, it doesn't make you a big shot. If you know who's going to win Cleveland, Pittsburgh, you know, and make sure when a big shot that you went money, whether it's 25 hours or $10. So tonight, all the focus and sports is on Monday night football. A guy like you a slick little hustler. Booh! You know what I'm saying? Fucking get a 50% boost on any live MLB bet tonight. What I'm gonna do is this right now right in front of you, Cox, up is I'm gonna opt into that. And I'm actually Tisha said, and I'm actually gonna put, come on, Cox, up there, I'm actually gonna put 25 on that land. Bonus available. The bonus is MLB 50% live bonus maximum $100 wage 50% profit boost. So now if I take the small

if I take it land the money line they win I put 25 dollars into win 111 15 Jesus You know guys this is not to be popular at the bar and tell your friends who won If you're gonna bet you're doing it to win fucking money, whether it's and you're trying to double your investment. So if I put 25 down, 47 is not acceptable. It's not acceptable. I got Chinese lunch, I got bitches, I got bills to pay. I got gas from my fucking car. You know, so what's your favorite pick out the week that Tarzania? If you had a pet.

I think the chargers are gonna beat Minnesota. I think the chargers are gonna beat Minnesota. I think that I have a couple unders. I think the New England versus the Jets is gonna go under 37. That's what I saw at that. Right now I understand you wanna wait on it. But I think that both offenses succ secondly, both have good defenses.

And the other one I had was the Colts and Baltimore over 44. Yeah, I like that too. I like the Ravens too, kid. Yeah, the Ravens, Lamar Jackson's great. And I like the Colts and I like the new quarterback. But he got, he got, he they pulled him out of the game last week because he had a concussion. So they might have like their backup in. So I don't know that those are my, those are the,

because I, the other one, and you said it today with Sequan, the anytime touchdown, Ramondra Stevenson. I don't think he has a touchdown yet this year. And he does, it's not for the Patriots, because think we're going to, I think the Patriots are going to beat the jets. If we don't, it's an embarrassment. What's with the way you get knocked out this week and doing fucking practices with them? Yeah, you know, I have to listen. They, I would help

them out at this point. That's a bad we've been. What do you got this week? What kind of shows you got? This Thursday, I'll be at the loft in chickpea. It's a good, it's a good Jewish deal. We have for 20 bucks, you get a buffet and a comedian. We'll come there on the... It changes every week. Sometimes it's chicken, sometimes it's steak.

They got veggies. It's not it's a fun deal mystery me No, no, I have never not gone worried because I always I always eat it I've I've never gotten sick. It's a it's I love going to places where there's not much else to do Which is exactly what chicken pee is and There they're so much fun. And then next week, Friday and Saturday this week, I don't have anything right now. Friday, Thursday through Saturday,

next week I'm in Omaha with Josh Wolf. You know, right now you're doing the best thing you can withstand the comedy. You're living on your rules on your terms. You've got a day job, you're not worried about fucking head shots like they were in LA already. You're not worried about your resume, all you're worried about is getting on stage every night. And this is the best time of your life.

I think for me, if I have to look back, that was the best time of my life. 91 to 95 fucking getting in a car with four your friends and even in Seattle. Seattle was where I really learned the I was a true open micro up there that became a feature act up there not in whatever when I went up there I was I was already kind of featuring 25 minutes but going up there that camaraderie I had with Brody and Josh and Tana Manoo and Mitch Hedberg and Stan Hope, I never had that again. So when you're driving to these gigs and you're thinking fuck I can't wait, take your time. Take

your time. I've heard other people say you've said it before. I have a really, and it's not even just stand up in life. I have a hard time being patient. And I'm from really trying. I'm really trying to enjoy it. But you think you think I was patient, my friend? No, probably not. I'm telling you you you have no disrespect You have Jewish neuroticisms whatever those fucking things on the roses whatever it is where you go crazy like Felix hunger

So You don't need it. I mean with you, I get it with me. I'm not gonna lie to you. It was, we wanted everything to be perfect. You know, you want everything to be perfect, but that's why it's stand-up comedy. It's not gonna be perfect. A waitress is gonna drop a glass.

Audience member is gonna puke. Audience member is gonna pass out on that a boost. We've seen that a couple of times. The last 10 years you and I, we start, you know, you experience a lot of different audiences. Don't ever blame it on the audience. Blame it on yourself. You tried to be how many nights have you got out there with too much ego. And you know, many nights I would kill on Tampa. I would kill it to Miami improv for a whole weekend.

I was a feature act. People come up to me, light cigarettes, or me give me cocaine. And that Sunday when I landed in Miami, when I landed in LA, I couldn't wait to go down to the comedy sport and talk shit on how I slayed Miami. And then I'm gonna go up there and do a spot

and lead, you know, that nine out of 10 times times I would die the slowest that the ball fucking died Did you know that and that's a gone honest fucking truth. I would just die on stage And would it just to flate you or what do you think like fuck them? I like what do you think you would know what the fuck I just did the same set I did the last five fucking nights and it killed every night. Now at the comedy store I died. You know what the answer was I walked in there with too many big balls. I had a humble myself. So I didn't humble myself. The comedy's humbled me for me. And you get that from time to time. You know what that does to you? But all these little things are just all apart of the fucking journey.

And you turn into one big scab. I'm just one big scab. Look at my face. I got scabs, got scabs on my elbow, scabs on my knees. I got scabs on my bow sack. The most importantly,

I got all the scabs from fucking, getting beat up and stand up. And one day your body just becomes a fucking scab and now they can't do nothing The infections gone you're done now. I got to go move forward Right around the infections gun. I got a thick scab over the cut You know, that's what we are as a comic. You're just gonna become one large fucking scab Of pain of you know funny enough, you know tall enough enough, you're too old, you're too young, you know, for reasons that I got nothing to do with your talent. Think about that. You saw

it. Got nothing to do with your talent. Now come to you and go, well, you're not funny because you're fat. We don't think fat people are funny. Okay. And now you got to go with your sandwich and come back even fucking stronger and light that little mom and pop shop on fire. Yeah, it's. And I appreciate it. And I know I know you're right, but it's you're right. I want everything. Not only do I want to be perfect, but I want.

I just sit sometimes on like the drive home from shows. I just imagine what it's gonna be like. I know this doesn't mean anything, but to have someone booking shows for me, to have like just someone who can call me and have like a full calendar, like next we gonna be a negative one. The 10 years away.

I know I am and that kills me. That's only. I'm not even talking about headlining. And guess what? And guess what? When you have that person, I am and that kills me. That it. I'm not even talking about headlining. And guess what? When you have that person, you're still going to have to book your own case. How's that for you?

Because they're going to call you with some crazy office and then you got to tame them off the roof and go, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is what fucking least I add is doing. So don't worry about that. Right now, just worry about fucking writing, having a great time and do something I never did when I walked into a comedy club. Something I never did. Walk in, stop at the door. I don't give a fuck if they look at you or not. Look around the room and this is for you and every other young comic that's getting into comedy or you're in the three year mark

or the four year mark or even the five or six year mark. I'm gonna give you the best advice that nobody ever gave me. I just did it myself. And when I found out about this, it changed everything. You're gonna walk into a comedy club, close the door like a gentleman, look, some people gonna look at you, you got to wave, but before you bust that next move, you know how you stand there and you're looking, you go, hey, Timmy, you go, hey, Marty, hey, Johnny,

hey, Joey, when you see that person before you move, I want you to breathe, take a pause and go, no matter what happens tonight, no matter what happens tonight, it doesn't matter because at the end, they're all going to suck my dick. And that's the attitude. Whether you have a great set, whether you got a standing ovation, whether you bomb or you know, is what have happened tonight. You'll be here tomorrow night too. And the night after that, and no matter what happens, all these motherfuckers that are looking to put you down, oh, you did a stolen joke. You know, there's all I heard, I heard a Ryan

Philippe do that joke and fucking whatever. After all that bullshit, all the years, you not an amateur, somebody gave you $5, you can't enter the contest. It's that you're scaring people. And all that shit happens is that you're starting to scare people. You're going outside the normal circle. And that's a complete education that we'll get to another time. But from now on, do what I didn't do. Do what I did years later, and I wish I would have done it from day one. Walk in, breathe, Jim Morrison.

Take a look around, say say which way to win blow. With a little girl, well, not forget it. Just take a look around and which way to win blow. Notice whether you have to meet, hey, how are you? And right there, in the mind before you as your body's stepping forward, that motion that we do right there, no matter what happens, it doesn't matter. Because eventually all

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