Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Episode #4 - Old school laughs and untold stories

Episode Date: September 26, 2023

This week, on The Check In Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt bring the podcast back to its roots. We laugh, Joey tells us about a new way he has to mess with people, tells us a story he has never told before and much more. Thank you for Checking in with us. This podcast is brought to you by: Try Blue Chew for free, just pay $5 shipping. Visit https://www.bluechew.com and use promo code JOEY Support the show and get 55% off your Babbel subscription at https://www.babbel.com/JOEY New customers can bet $5 and get $200 instantly in bonus bets on DraftKings Sportsbook. Download the app and sign up with code JOEY This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ and get on your way to being your best self.

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Rules and restrictions may apply. Welcome to the check-in. I'm on the TV's run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. A vocal Joey could do it. I could do it in a rural world. I think you got to be thinking. Welcome back to check-in. I sure you gotta be thinking What's the story stop wagling all right what you never told I'll never stop the Ju You can never get me to stop on young Kapoor. You know what I'm saying? Young Kapoor or the brothers in the struggle like I've said for years don't sleep on the Jews. I'll leave it at that What's that? Jews also aren't supposed to eat animals on young Kapoor

You don't need In the Bible for the fucking Gentiles and for the Corinthians and for the fucking God. But the Jews do what the fuck they want on Yom Kupor. There's only one night you don't want to do anything and that's the night the fucking ghost comes into the door because if you eat mushrooms or edibles you might fucking see him. Oh no you mean Elijah? Yeah we want him to come but no you can't that's the one day you're mean Elijah? Yeah. We want him to come. But no, you can't, that's the one day your juice don't eat. We don't eat, you can't eat. You're not supposed to have adibles.

You mean, look, you should have been like I'm about to do the U-cocs, that's it. You do that because I go up there with a girl named Nancy with one eye and a needle. You'll be fucking done. Understand me done. What is she of one eye? a needle. You'll be fucking done. You understand me done. Come on. Why does she have one eye? Because she lost her. And yet now I don't know. I never asked her.

You're busy. Somebody would have missing. I you don't ask her. I lose your eye. It's an interesting eye patch. No, I know how often do you see people with one eye? I don't think I've ever seen someone with one eye. I'm curious.

I'm a lot. I remember the time we saw one and the guy in San Diego. Oh, yeah, when the pirate and Dean has that date. I still have it. Hold on. I just dropped it. Let me find it or Joe, if you can go to my Instagram. I'm gonna jump up.

I'll find it. I still have the clip. You farted on you. Knock it off. How was your weekend? My weekend was pretty good, man. I didn't the clips. You farted on you. Knock it off. How was your weekend? My weekend was pretty good, man. I didn't do shit. I didn't do shit, to be honest with you.

I had a show on Thursday that I didn't do great at, but thank you to everyone who came out. A couple of people from the check and came out. Listen, you can't be inviting people from the check-in. And then you go, Oh, my mom is shit. I didn't bow. I didn't. And you got a double check that you can't fucking drop I'm on him and shit. I didn't bomb him. I didn't.

And you got a double check that you can't fucking drop a bomb on these motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? You got to say timeout. I got some people here from the check in. I got to start this all over again. I don't think they've liked that. Yes, they win.

Two hours in the show. I got to start over. Yeah. You can't start over. Yes, you can. Who says? It's an art. Who says it's an art? You could do another fuck you want.

You get on stage. You're having a rough time for two minutes. Call a timeout. Listen, I gotta go get my head together. I'll be right back. Sorry about that. I didn't know what I was thinking. I don't know if I ever told this story.

You remember the time that you convinced me that Chappelle was gonna go book for me? Like the first time I did the belly room with Eric? Oh, we fucking, there was a... You were swathing for the call, God damn day. Well, you didn't, because you didn't tell me. You told me to get to the comedy store. Eric Rocha, who was on the church a bunch

and felt very funny in comic, we went, and we didn't even feel comfortable going with this, but comics only bar at the store. And I felt like an asshole. Like I didn't want to go, like I wasn't gonna just walk in there. So we asked somebody and they got us in. And immediately you're with Agustino and the first thing you did, you didn't say hi,

you threw you, remember you had those edible mints for a minute? You had edible mints. I had to have a little gasoline too. What do we get? You threw them in my mouth and he said, Hey, you're not hosting anymore. Shepel's going up. He wants to do half an hour in front of you. And you everyone in the bar was like, Oh, shit, like everyone. So you let me burn and fucking sweat. I mean, half an hour away, we got up to the fucking bellroom and

you're like, Ah, he's not here. And I was so high and so nervous. I forgot Eric's name when I was bringing him up. I had been doing comedy with him for two years. You can convince me that Chip Hell wanted to do 30 in front of me. You got it. That's part. And bro, when you realize that comedy is all mental, you'll do a lot better. You know, you for years, I put this fear in my head. I had a thousand different fears from they have white hair. They're drinking too much, you know, I have a Jewish half of the Spanish, you know, it's half of the my group with I can't do this material in front of them. And then one day I said, fuck them all. So, well, let's talk about Thursday night and why you thought you didn't do well. Because that's another part of the show

that I wanna talk to you about when you have a spot during the week and it doesn't go your way. Let's review it. I don't need to watch the fucking tape. Okay. By the sound of your voice and your honesty, I know where you're taking this. You know, we can't always kill every night.

Right now you're five year comic, you're working on percentages. You know, I don't kill people say I'm, I'm always remember you are very, but I don't want to say hard on yourself. You, I use the word realistic when I'm talking about it. Because you've had nights that I saw you that I thought you killed and you're like, eh. And I haven't been doing like, I'm not killing every night, but I went on a run there some things about the show like where I went up, but the comedy club's great.

I just, I didn't feel like I was in the moment and I just felt like I was, I've been trying to do different orders. And you know what, we, you ever go to a comedy movie in the theater and if you laugh the whole time and then you go and you try to watch it at home and it sucks. Who used later? Even whenever. It just sucks.

The audience plays a big part and for me when I start I start off not great, it tends, like I can sometimes dig myself out of it, but if like the audience isn't into it, I just feel like I'm not really present or flowing. I've been there. I loved, you know, for a long time, like you, I struggled, you know, once you, the first three jokes, bomb, they ain't no coming back. You know what I'm saying? Once you're, once you're all in two, we're done at that level, you know, it's just, it's just a way to pull ounces, you know, you're all in two. He's a two fucking perfect strikes down your throat. One of the chances that you coming up with anything else. And maybe you didn't see the pitch.

Maybe you weren't focused. You know, I was the king of bombing. I got to a point where I embraced it because I knew this would pass. What do you mean you embraced it? Listen, man, when you're shit, you're shit. I'm not going to become some overnight after one set that I'm not You know exactly like it just not gonna So I kind of embraced it being there for a while and when I would have a good set it would feel that much better

Oh feels great and I still guys, you know like I've told you a thousand times, I bombed in bars, I bombed them one nighters in different states, and I bombed at the place where it really mattered. I bombed horribly at the improv, horribly on a Monday night in front of everybody, and I bombed miserably at the store. And once you come back from that bombing ain't that bad. If I go on a jujitsu and get tapped, but they also, I want you to attack. You know, I don't ever want you to live in that bomb. That's the most important thing is living in that bomb.

Three years from now, when you're at a theater, nobody's gonna remember that bomb, bomb, that bomb. Three years from now, when you're at a theater, nobody's gonna remember that bomb, bomb, fucking bomb. You know what's on my mind? Bomb, you know, so don't, always remember, don't fucking matter. I'm telling you this, 30 years in, those bombings the first 10 years,

you know, it's like a football team when they first get together and for four years, they just sock. They're all in 11, two in one, two in nine, you know, five and whatever the fuck mathematical equation is. And then one year, they just come out and they come out fucking throwing heat. That's comedy.

But sometimes they'll lose. When San Francisco 49ers in the heyday, they could win 18 fucking touchdowns, 18 sub balls, but they couldn't be the New Orleans Saints. What does it feel like? I don't feel any different to like imagine you were headlining a theater if you bomb one of those shows. Horrible. Is it worse or is it just one of the worst things I did the last five years was that night I bonded New Orleans that and that fucking picture hangs in my bathroom. So every time I pee, well, I got a poop, I look up on the wall and I go, yeah, no long lanes, fucking tremendous.

It's a great picture. The house of Blues gave me. But till this day, I just didn't like how I performed. I remember I got better after that. Like, you know, you learn from every bombing at every level. You know, they got an email from a comic and he said that we spoke a lot about bombing and he said he went to the comedy mothership last night that last weekend he's seen the bomb of bombs.

It was like somebody big, you know, and he didn't meet in a jockey way. He wasn't putting the guy down. He was just asking me like, how do you recover from that? You know, it's a hot club. It sold out and everybody just watched you fucking bomb at Joe Rogan's Club, you know, and I Told him the comic is a fucking professional You know fucking Aaron Judge won't hit a home run for two weeks Then he pulls three of a mile of his ass and you forget about those two weeks

Right that's of a amount of his ass and you forget about those two weeks. Right. That's, I don't know if you can relate to this. Where I am right now and like I'll have a weekend sometimes and then it will be like eight weeks until weekend. If I bomb the last show, or really, anytime I bomb, like I'll run to an open mic. I'll run, I like I have to get to another spot and like it kills me if I have like a few weeks until another real show.

No, that's the right attitude. You're not gonna not get on stage because you bombed one night. If you get if you bomb on a fucking Tuesday night, I hope you wake up looking for an open mic. I hope you find an I would I hope you find an Irish bar. That'll fucking you know. I hope you find an Irish bar. That'll fucking, you know. I hope you find an Irish bar that doesn't open Michael 8 a.m. or just one of the...

Ha ha. In 8 a.m. open, yeah. I don't know how it's a compare. Like it's just, I feel like I have like shit on me, like literal shit. Why, well, if I don't get a decent set in after a bomb, at least something. Yeah, I have to, you know, even early on,

I would go home and depending on what level or what year I was in, you know, there was some nights that I cried after a bombing. You know, there was some nights that I went home and wrote to set out. There was some nights, I'm like, I'll idea, I went home and blamed it on the audience. Like, that's what a chump comic does. A chump comic, he had a fucking Mickey Mouse sound system. Well, after the first minute, you fucking drop the mic and yell over him. You know, I'm death, nothing sucks than going to a show and I can't hear the comic or something else.

So, you know, if you know the whole room has that problem, drop the mic and get on a fucking table. I don't give a fuck what it takes. But I'm looking it that way. You know, if you bomb on a Tuesday night and you're not an 1130 matinee of the expendables before fucking doing 10 minutes in front of those jimokes, you got a problem. That's where the problem lies. You're not going to be a good comic because you're scared of getting back on the horse. That's it. You just go back there that day and you're going to bomb me, get that movie theater. And that's yeah, you probably go better because you had the balls

to go down there and bomb. Do you think they're asking you about this? I never tell nobody this. I did comedy for about a year, you know. And I thought I was Joey Benandez, you know, I didn't know it. It took to be a comic. I thought you got on stage four or five times and people like your cigarettes and whatnot. And that was like, you know, when I started comedy the first three years, there were still a lot of national contests. I was very good. Johnny Walker Black had one. HBO had one in Las Vegas, that you got invited to by sending a tape. Then you did the top five comics that spots in front of

fucking agencies. I actually won the Bex Broca Jocke fucking competition in Boulder in 91. Congratulations. There were a lot of fucking contest. And I'll never forget that there was one like on a Thursday morning at Comedy Worth in Denver. I had been on stage maybe seven times.

And I already, I was already on the phone with fucking Seinfeld, you know, what are you saying? And I go down for this thing bright and early, I stand online, there's about 30 comics, I know like maybe four of them, five of them at that time, that's how much of an open mic right was. I didn't say a word, but I've never forget that I saw a bunch of guys with NBC shirts and HBO shirts and Zany's comedy club and you know like big comedy clubs in New York. I forget it was 30 fucking years ago. And I remember how I got intimidated.

How I got intimidated. And I went down, I signed my name, I sat there, I watched like the first 10 comics. I was like, no, maybe two. You know, and I think you only had three minutes. Right, of course. And I never forget at one point, I just walked out of there. Really? I brought the bus, and I was so ashamed of myself

I Never said that story before I just thought about it about a month ago How ashamed that was of myself? Had a walk back to the bus station and get on the bus and that was the longest bus ride in My fucking life, gee. Let's back up, though, for a second. So you, before you saw, like, when you were on your way down there, before you saw the line, were you confident?

Yeah, I was probably high from the night before. And I thought I was gonna go down there and spank them all, you know. And you think just seeing the other comics, like you, the fact that they had done other rooms like I said I only knew like five or six of the other comics. You know I was at the time I was a bolder comic and I did the broker on Tuesday night so I never went into the comedy works on Tuesday. So I only did one nighters when Jimmy a baby would call me and somebody I'd go to fucking South Denver, some taco place or something like that. So I didn't really

know a lot of people. So nobody ever said a word to me about it guy. But I always remember and I remember how shitty I felt. Not that I was going to win that I left. Yeah. That was a horrible feeling for a savage like myself. So after that, I looked in the little differently, you know? And I think a lot of young comics should look at it that way. Get on stage as much as you can. It was very frustrating to me when I heard stories of a guy's like you

that were doing 30, 35 sets of month living in Boston. And you know, me, Lee, I'm a hustler. And here I am doing 16 sets in Denver. Right. That's to the max, you know, so you I mean, you always had a good work. I'm surprised. Was that the only time you bailed on a set? Yeah, probably. That wasn't a set though. That was a contest. Because what's the difference? I don't know.

You're doing a set in front of a bunch of people. Right. That are looking at you from a subjective type of manner. Okay. And that's a weird thing for a comic. Either a comic could do that or they can't do that. I ended up doing well in the Seattle competition in 95, but I did better than what I anticipated. And then I went to San Francisco in 98 and I quit after the third night. That was brutal. What was brutal about it?

Everything came out of your pocket. The gas, the driving, the hotels. And then you got there some night and the judges were San Francisco comics. You know, it was just a party and they were just milking you. And Celia Cruz was playing at the house of blues on the Saturday night and I had a main room spot. Cause I thought I would do well.

I thought I'd get the qualify this time and I was right. I didn't want to be there. And I just drove back to LA. I caught Celia Cruz and I caught my midnight spot at the mother fucking mainland. Oh, yeah, I fucking I don't like. I don't like contests. I've done two. I never do well. What were you? I don't want to talk about. We don't have to talk about comedy the whole time. I. I'm happy you brought this up with the bonding, but we were talking about something earlier. That, because we're both fans of cinema.

Oh, yeah. I think our real big connection is cinema. I remember going to your house one day and seeing all your CDs and all your movies. I mean, half of them were shitty movies. No, they were, some of them were terrible movies, but fucking, you know. I love it. I love it.

I love it. And I noticed that you were a movie buff and you'd go to the movies a lot. And one of our similarities is we really enjoy going to the movies alone. I got no beef with that. Oh, I love it. I got to talk to people, the least people bothered me that they're cold.

First being, they're fucking knees hurt, you know, all that shit, like it just, and now for the first time in my life, I've actually achieved the goal of turning my fucking phone off. You turn your phone all the way off. When I live in LA, I always had it on, right, in 12 minutes into the movie, some fuck called you from an agency. You get up to call them. They go 10 minutes of the movie.

And then you sit down and you can't stop thinking about what they called you about. Right. But we were talking about the fucking Stallone movie I would made who got this week and made $2.00 because it was $ million dollars to make or something like that. So if you make up, if you got a hundred million dollar movie, I'm just throwing a number out there. And it makes eight million dollars opening weekend. That's a long, I guess this weekend it was the worst box office in heaven for how to do that. And you said something interesting, because you were right, all up and down the East Coast,

it was raining. This weekend was the perfect, like everyone else, like everyone else who like goes out in the hikes and they love doing outdoor, this weekend was like, I would have killed it. I would have killed it. I would have killed it. We discussed going to the movies.

You and I discussed on it. Yeah, right there. And I go, I don't know what's out there. And you said the equalizer. I said I caught it the first night. Right. Because moving back in, I have three theaters closed for me for 15 months.

And tickets go. They always have two sets of shows going on at one, two on the other. So I always got an option, you know. And I'm just trying to take it back to see what. And I've been to the theaters. I've had a great time because all the movies I've gone to see are basically fucking empty. Even though they've been fucking empty when I go there. Yeah. And I know that when I take my daughter, it's a $50 fucking show for the popcorn. We'll part like the AMC fucking network.

We get coupons and discounts. I mean, I thought- Yeah, they have different lines to sign. They have eight different groups you could sign up for now. I love the AMC. I worked at AMC for it. It was my favorite job. I got free movie tickets.

And they let me ask you why did you decide not to go this weekend? Because there was nothing out there. Even I didn't want to watch the expandable. I never watched an expendable movie in my life. in my life. Not even close. I love every type of genre movie, but that didn't look appealing to me. I couldn't go for it. Listen, I've seen one of the greatest combo movies

of all time, the Bernie and the magnificent seven, the original one, not the one with what's her name's fucking half a bag of husband, was also on the Avengers and shit. I don't like none of that stuff. Chris Pratt. Yeah, Chris Pratt. I believe he's a fucking superhero.

So, but so that you those were good, but you didn't what was it was the age and the expandables. Why don't you buy the expandables? And I look like an expandable type of guy. Like if you see me like all that motherfucking morons gonna be down there We pop corner the hot dog and he's sure it off with it One is just you know Yeah

Because I know the expendable people the guys that go after be like jet fans that don't get tickets Like they go fuck it. Let's go see the expendables. And instead of wearing a green shirt, they wear like no shirt with a tattoo and they yell every time it's the long beat people up. I can't deal with that, not right now, Doug. There's a lot of things that I can't deal with right now anymore. Oh, yeah, like what else?

Anything else? I was telling Jimmy Florentine yesterday. They went to see Brett Michaels from poison. I can't do that no more. I can't go see a guy with mascara on. He's 58 years old. Knock it off and he's singing Sweet Home Malabama, which burns me up even more than anything. He's like, What's wrong with Sweet Home Malabama? What about, what's wrong with Sweet Home Malabama? the fuck out of here. What about what's wrong with home Alabama? It's a wedding skinnest song. Why is there a guy up there with mascara on singing that fucking song? That's what I'm getting that lead. I got a kid. I got all of a sudden about three months ago I discovered this between us with family. Of

course. Only do I have a fungi toenail. Not only do I have a fucking a burser in my ear. Not only can I breathe, you know, the 60s had Uncle Joey Hard. I've been stealing father time for years. Once I got 60 to warranty Wink-a-puts, you know, that was it. Wink-a-puts. I don't have a Volkswagen. I don't have the Nazi 10 year, $100,000 fucking, whatever. So what was I talking about? Oh. You said, I don't know. You said you have something new to tell, like, you know, that's happening to you.

All right, so now I discovered, because I'm a clean ear for that mother fucker. No problem, please, go fuck yourself. Will you? I discovered what happened here. Hold on. There you go. He's fucking miserable fucks. Damn it.

I discovered one morning. First of all, this is one of my things that bother. You ever talk to somebody and you can see a piece of wax sticking out of here either. You ever go to breakfast somebody and they got wax in the wax. I don't give a fuck if you got food in your teeth. I don't give a fuck if you got the sand man in your eyes. I really don't as long as you don't hit me with a shot of bad breath and I don't see it on ear wax. I used to go to breakfast at this dude and he always had like ear wax sticking out. This is 1998 when I first got to LA.

He was supposed to be a big night manager, but he never cleaned his fucking ears out. And that always bothered me about the guy. That's why I didn't sign with him. Because he had dirty fucking ears. I don't like people got dirty fucking ears, right? So now I'm fucking 60 and a couple of months who I discovered that I have wax in the mornings in my ear.

When I scratch it sometimes, I'm like, what the fuck is this? Now I'm bad enough with that. I'm ashamed of that. So I get up in the morning now and as I'm peeing, I'm cleaning the fucking ear wax out of my ear, right? And then I discovered after about a month of that, not only did I have excessive wax in my left ear only, not my right ear.

That these edibles are coming in because I can see my AI character. In my left ear stinks like fucking my belly button like you used to you ever you ever smell a bad belly button. Oh, I my smell my belly button all the time. That's how I just see if I have COVID. See, that's a problem right there. What? That's a problem and hold on one second. Anyway, what I was trying to get at is that

my ear wax on the fuck. Smells so bad, only on the left side. The right side, smell, and only that, it's even thicker, like it's a fucking one. Like I got to clean it out with like cute tip and then I got to get like a fucking pen I got like a certain pen I got from a funeral appallant and it's got a certain edge anyway yeah those are the list nothing clean your ears better than a big pen the cap cap of the big pen, you can double,

you can do a blast of coke, and then clean your ears with the thing and the coke sticks to the wax. At least you got something in the morning when you wake up. And now for a word from our sponsor. Hey, this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Listen, if anxiety has you paralyzed, like it had me,

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B-E-T-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P. Visit betterhelp.com slash DS today, D-I-A-Z, to get 10% off on your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash DS. Did you ever have a talk to you about my air wax issues? I don't feel, I don't shit and put them on front street, but fuck it, you know, maybe somebody's uncle has think he is, I don't know, give me some advice email. You know, they have a pen, like a thing,

a cleaner with a camera in it, that you can attach to your phone, and you can like see inside your ear and clean the wax out, so you don't have to like do with a big pen. Let's pretend I eat a mushroom, and I forget about it. And also I got a sudden whack each of my ear.

And I spent that pen and there. You don't want to be around. Let me tell you something. Those mushrooms are starting to become dangerous, by the way. Oh, yeah. I grew back five this weekend. I had a rough fucking Sunday, but it was a good Sunday. I got up, did what I had to do around the house, the family.

And at one o'clock, I got the Jimmy did what I had to do around the house, the family. And at one o'clock, I got the Jimmy Florentines, Florida team, prime family. I got this house a little earlier, they got a good seat. And I don't know, somewhere along the line, I ate like six pieces of a tremendous bar. I hate when that happens. Yeah.

And it got a little something on the wing. But then ABX, the makers of the Tom Saguar killers. In fact, you could put this picture up that I sent you at the bag, the maker of the Tom Saguar set. They gave me like a little bag of like these organic mushrooms, you know. Well, let's start from Saturday. Saturday, I had tapies, mushroom tapies. And I can't see without my glasses, right? So I look at the bag and I see 2,000 milligrams. Okay. So each piece of tapie is 2,000 milligrams. So I think I have a bite out of it. I wait and I when nothing's happening, I'm watching Colorado get beat up by Oregon state If you had Colorado in the 30 it's still a loser, you know saying

Weakened of their fucking life. I wouldn't want to be in Colorado today because there's got to be an earthquake or something coming there They got beat up in college and forget about what happened that dude Sean Payton should get fired today Oh my god, I'm surprised to see. That's a bomb of like, I would put 70 to 20. That's crazy. That's not good. That's good. That's not good.

Something's got to come from this. They got to put the hammer down. When the whip comes down, it's time, Cox's up, because you can't be losing 70 to 20 on week three of the NFL. This can't be happening. Now on the other side, I ate those mushrooms. First quarter, those things started backfiring. I started seeing things. So for a minute,

I saw all those touchdowns. I'm like, oh, this is part of the mushroom trip. Miami, it's going all those points. And then I got out, I had to take a mushroom shit. Oh my God. It stunk so bad. And I wanted to like a mushroom trance when I was in there and I almost fell off the toilet It was hilarious even Jim goes what happened in the bathroom brought the killer one. I brought a whistle What I brought a whistle like a like a regular whistle that you give like you know When people get in on the handle or they see somebody getting robbed they blow whistle like that's gonna really fucking save you right I know what oh my god. Why do you have a whistle? Oh, yeah, when you're referring your call your daughter's ring right so I Took the whistle with me and every time they scored I would blow fucking whistle and those people were going crazy

But my friend son was was there, great kid. And every time I blew the whistle, he wasn't used to Uncle Joey. He would elevate two inches from the fucking couch. Because I would just go, p-p-p-p, and then I wrote p-p-p-p, p-p-p. It was like the Cubans at the Miami stadium. They don't just show up with water and cheese

like these fucking Gentiles. They show up with a chicken, a conga drum, some tambourines. That's show up with a chicken, a conga drum, some panberines. That's how you win a game, Jack. You must have been blowing that whistle all goddamn day. I blew the whistle all fucking day. I don't have to blow it. It just, it comes with a, a, a, a, come on,

those little fucking things. You have a, a, a motorized whistle. Yeah, like, then you just press. You shouldn't be allowed to have that. You know, I'm danger. Now I stop at lights. I see people, I blow the whistle and be going, they got a double fucking.

Ah. You know, you know, you know, they have those apps where like, it's like, like, neighborhood and people in your neighborhood can write shit. I guarantee someone's like someone's blowing a whistle and a jersey. You're blowing a whistle with that people. You're blowing.

You're blowing. What? You're blowing whistles at people now. I'd advice people like what you put a bus. I hit them with a whistle. I hit a beat. I hit them with a double. They don't see the whistle.

They don't think it's me because my hands out the window hitting the buzzer. Oh, I don't know. Like it's a beautiful day to be alive. There's a fuss over here over there. I bang them with a whistle. They pop up. Then I hit them with a horn.

Like keep going. They don't know nothing. I saw a guy with a flat today in the rain. I hit him with a flat today in the rain. I had him with a towel and whistle. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Like you were just, I think that's part of who you are. It's just torturing. You love it. Like that guy, I bet you're gonna giggle tonight. Is you going to bed thinking about the guy with the changing the tire? Oh my God, that was a mess.

Because he was really wanted. He was having a bad day as it was. He didn't need somebody to be in the order, giving them a disco whistle. Huh. Lee, you got a lot of comedy wherever it comes. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes comedy is right, fucking in front of you.

It's so silly how in front of you, it is sometimes. Oh. But hey, let's talk about black kings and what they got to offer you this week. And I had to go wicked. Absolutely. How'd you do? Two of three. I did well. I picked San Diego and then over Minnesota and I

I had the Patriots and the under I think but those I lost we lost the over with Baltimore and Indy and went under 44 Which is crazy? Saturday I took a beat and a lead type beat, not a beat. Because you know me, I bet it light. I don't believe the hype. I Colorado 150% boost from draftings on college football. And then Sunday, I opened up with Miami, small because the line dropped from six and a half to six.

I also went with my team Detroit Lions. They always cover, they're like a deep in the night. They always deliver the goods. But they lost, right? Didn't they lose? They won. They won. They won. Okay. Well, Troy Banana had Cincinnati given Pittsburgh a run-of-a-half on the Lord's Day after they dropped two. You got to go with them and they came through like a fat cat

and there was something else and that was all I took a beating with this one not a beating again 25 bucks the jets plus the fucking three and a half I thought New England would beat them by three and I'd won with the hook but not this week the jets are just that fucking bad and now for a word the jets are just that fucking bad. And now for a word from DraftKings Jag. Hey, we're back here with another week of football and DraftKings has us covered for great offers every game. Again, new customers bet the small $5 and get 200 instantly and bonus bets for a price of a cup of coffee. That's right. You'll walk away with an instant winner. All customers can take advantage of two new offers every single game this September. Football is more fun when you're in on the action. Stop sitting on the sideline. Download the app now and sign up with Cole Joey, J-O-E-Y. New customers, again, $5 to get you 200 in bonus bets.

And then all you do is wait for proper boost, this that only at Craft Kings Court Book. An official sports betting partner, the NFL, with Code Joey, J-O-E-Y. With Craft Kings, the crown is yours. One problem. Do you have a gamut problem? We can't have that. Call 1-800-Gamut or visit www.1-100-Gamut.net. If you're in New York, call 8778, hope New York or Texas Hope New York 467369. If you're in Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling.

Call 888-789-777 or visit ccpg.org. Please play responsibly. Get your act together. Download the app, use code Joey, and let's get it on the action. It's time to have some fun, especially if you had Colorado last week. I sent that dude that text I sent you with a naked woman with a big ditch. What was she saying in Israeli? San Anto Vot and he ruse she was saying Happy New Year. Who's better than me? I sent to the every Jewish American I knew and everybody got back to me.

Thank you. One guy even wrote me what you told me, which was fucking creepy. Which is what? He wrote on there that that was a good distraction to his fasting. Oh yeah, because you're not supposed to eat today. To what time? Son, it's sundown, I think I'm almost positive the night before till sun up or at least yes,

it's sundown the sundown. I think. So they're eating right now. Oh, all right, yeah. Right now. Now they're throwing down like fucking savages. You've never seen so much locks. I used to go to, there was a family that we were friends with

that was Italian, but one of them converted to marry a Jewish lady, very, very nice, more food than I've seen in my entire life. You guys should have been eating for a whole day. Oh shit. Dude, no package, they ain't leaving nothing but silverware If you had have you had hola before? What the bread?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, not bad. I mean, I wouldn't put a meatball on it, but People it's like black Friday at the end of the services. They're very they're polite, but it's they're moving fast Because at the end of the last moment you can eat, they have hollow and like grape juice for kids or wine for adults. With apples and honey, I don't eat that. That's the only time of the year I eat apples. I don't eat apples. That's your problem. I know. You gotta eat more apples. I've been dropping apples in the morning and at night, tip top McGoor, everything comes out nice and smooth in the morning. The only thing is I can't do a bonk at the shit at the same time. I had that superb back from California where I just opened up the back door, sat down,

blew a bonk at, and that missile would come out of the launch like a fucking boop. Nothing, I would- You can't cut a window into your bathroom? No, I'm gonna cut a special window and then a raccoon moves in. You got to buy this. I got a lot of animals down there, Link. A lot of animals, dog. What do you think about them?

What's your favorite? You know, when I pet the raccoons, it's great. When I feed them, I'm fucking retarded. I don't know. I don't know what my favorite is. You's great when I feed them. I'm fucking retarded. I don't know. They're all my favorites. You don't like looking at them? You don't, I don't know. Fucking maybe, maybe like, I don't know.

I think deer are cool to look at. Sometimes when you see a wolf, I grew up around like wolves and shit. Like what is a coyotes? I see a fox. Time to time. There's a fox that lives by the little leaf field up the corner. I swear to God, I used to walk there and I got attacked by a deer there at one time. So I stopped walking up there.

And then I realized why? Because it was a mom and a little fucking cub, whatever, whatever they call them. I'm not a hunter. Because it was a baby deer and a big deer. I think it's a fawn isn't it? Yeah, fawn and that motherfucker was coming at me. Look, I think it's a fawn, isn't it? Yeah, fawn. And that motherfucker was coming at me. And then I've seen a fox up there.

Because one day I decided to walk up there through the back. Instead of drying, fuck that. I'll never do that again. That's when I saw the fox. I was like, I'm a dead man. But I see a lot of deer, a lot of beautiful looking deer. Believe it or not, there was two turkeys on my corner. If I would have had a bow and arrow,

everybody would have had Thanksgiving on my block, you know what I'm saying? But there's turkeys that come around like once a month. Those are scary, like those, I didn't know deer attacked, but like I've been, like if they're on the news here, like this year, like an old lady got attacked by a turkey. Like those things are vicious dog the best was about three weeks ago on route nine

Somebody a truck Like a ton of potato chips fell off there like oh shit. I saw them on the thing Like it must have happened 10 minutes before I got that it's not a bit It's denied but to the side it was one of those side streets. The left turn and he dropped the boy. I went by the next day. It was all raccoons, not raccoons. I'm sorry. Squirrels eating them. I don't shant. They had to fucking those porkloins. You know, that's what they were eating. They were eating those. They were eating porkloins? Oh shit. Yeah, porkinds, the low sugar, whatever the fuck they are.

Those red ones from Wawa. I'm thinking about Wawa tonight and shit. I haven't eaten dinner yet. Oh, what's gonna be your order? My order at Wawa. Yeah. What short sub. Okay.

Little one. Tuna, American cheese, red wine vinegar, oil, extra snow, something pepper, lettuce tomato onions, hot peppers. I'm surprised you go with, I know, you told me this, but I'm, tuna out is like, scary. Like that's, tuna is like, it's scary because you're eating some dolphin,

you got me on me, I'm soupin' there. You got some eyeballs in there. But this is Jersey, you severed back, back to it. It's not gonna work out for you, a war war. I mean, I told our radio day, when our refers came to my house, he ran in here like a fuckin' child with 10 bags.

And I go, I'm goin' out with you, goes, you have a war war. And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm like, this guy's fucking retarded. I actually had to eat my words and call him a week ago and go, you were right. I love wild was so much, I downloaded the mother fuck and app. Do you put your order in before you get there? Yep. I would never have cast you would do that. Do you make your wife do it or do you do it?

I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I do. I downloaded the mother fuck and app. Do you put your order in before you get there? Yeah. I would never have cast you would do that. Do you make your wife do it or do you do it? We both do it.

That's awesome. How often do you go to Wawa? Once a week, like at night, once a week, like at dinner, like we get caught up here with fucking a softball game or some activity. I got no beef. We go to wall one getting a turkey sandwich. If you're not in the mood to eat, they got smoothies. I have, I'm gonna tell you one thing. The person who turned me on to wall over something by I grew up with.

We went to the beach two summers ago and I said something that I was hungry. I was gonna walk and she goes, no, I stopped at Wawa and got sandwiches. Now I grew up with this girl. You know, she ain't gonna walk in this subway and that and she's gonna the same mindset. She's my age. She goes try this Wawa to the sandwich with hot peppers and sweet peppers. I almost died. I mean, how good it was. I was in shock. I really, really was. So if I'm in a pinch, I'm not gonna eat the pizza from Wawa when you have, but we have over here.

That's a waste of fucking energy. But I've heard from people that, again, I trust. I like these people that they've gone in there to tell me how good the burritos are in Wawa. And I had another brother of mine, tell me he loved the enchiladas, but he lives in Delaware. So I got to give him a pass. Yeah, they don't, I don't like Steve Simone turned me on to a wall. And for a stoner, it's heaven. It's just everything that you can do

and that you can do it on the computer. And you don't have to talk to anybody. That's like the worst part of going out when you're high sometimes. But it kills me when it's, sometimes the one, one of the ones by your house. I don't like there's like there's a there's bad ones and I think I think they're higher like it's always bad, but there's a one is a guess. Smart. level where this one is, it's a little higher level of the honesty, store is fucking spotless. You know, I don't get anything. I've heard through the grapevine. Now I've had there in a pinch, I had a smoothie one day, and it was

fucking delicious. Okay. I think the whipped cream and nothing, you know, I'm trying to keep my fucking bell off you go to, but I had the, my neighbors and their jerseys, that nylon people, they say they have tremendous milkshakes. Tremendous. I love the milkshakes. The kids love them, the parents love them. Steve, and I don't think you have the same wool. I love a milkshake, but I don't like doing it during the meal.

So I never get them out because I don't, I don't want it to melt. I can't, I have to do it in order. I don't know what it is. Like as fat as I am, and as many times as I want to McDonald's, I never eat fries on the way home. There's, there's rule. Like I can't. You're a chubby guy with rules. I can't do it. But like me, this is why after this fucking podcast, you're gonna call better help and get some help. Because you need help, cock sucka. You don't need food. When I'm fucking McDonald's, you eat

everything you got as quick as you can before you die. And you just walk away with fries. I don't know what you're talking about. It's gonna melt. What's gonna fucking melt? You have to eat it like a gentleman. You eat your burger and your fries at home. And then that's why I can't get dessert.

It pisses me. I can't do it. I can't have the milkshake before the burger. I don't know why. First off, let's get to the bottom of this shit. I now got a fat man etiquette. Okay. First off, in your case, because you're addicted to that diacoship, which is worse than smoking crack every night.

Well, if you got a cheeseburger, if you got a let's get a quarter pounder, right, with cheese and a fucking quarter of fries, right? Absolutely. You're going to drop a mother fucking, uh, a Coke zero in there with extra ice, what else? Of course. You might drag it. I don't like ice, but okay. But like for the regular consumer that lives in Iowa, yeah, he's going to get one of those Stamina shakes and whatever. Like me, I like for the regular consumer that lives in Iowa, yeah, he's gonna get one of those Stamina Kier shakes. And whatever, like me, I like my shake for dessert. Like when I was throwing shakes into the equation,

I would go to a diner, like I just started going back to a diner and I'm very happy. I'm going back to my roots. My favorite one is a diner called a Manala Pan diner to have stolen my heart. The women who's one of the owners is from North Bergen originally. She started a dina on 6th Street in North Bergen, you know, which I know the dina. I can't remember the name of it right now.

It's 815 at night. But I, I go there once a week. She's got a fantastic split piece of, I'm sure men with mother fucking Navy Bean soup. I love, I meet love. It's fucking the kill for and they just put stew on the menu because my wife ain't gonna make a stew. Well, you know, my daughter only eats that shit.

My wife makes a good stew, but it's gonna be, we're gonna eat two servings of peace. I rather go over there, spend the small 15 and get a nice bowl of fucking stew, which six pieces of white bread and butter, and you just go off. You make sure you go to the gym that day, you do your jumping jack, you do your kettlebell and you go down. It's a treat for me

Do anyone else orders to what brother does anyone else orders to Yeah, she does great with the stew there. It's winter time We've had rain for four days. I don't have to tell you that It's been like hard on Johnny MOOC down here I feel like people in the perfect sport, Milwaukee Warburg and Joyce Clooney, when they got killed up there fishing with the fuck and other dudes from New Jack City.

It has been raining a lot. See, you've been loving, that's all been surprised you. I've been down to see you 10 times maybe. All right. So somewhere we've never been to a diner. So you just started going back. I went back about three months ago. Before North Carolina I went back.

I started with a cheese omelet, with home fries, wheat toast, and a nice tea with extra lemon, like a doctor. That's your test meal? No sugar. Yeah, if you fail there, we can't hang. But I had been in there a couple times before. That's where big D goes for breakfast. Okay. Victor Patatito goes there for breakfast. And I've joined them for breakfast. You know, two eggs sunny side, a bacon, a bowl of oatmeal,

who's better than you? They open up at seven. But I have a good breakfast at the house. So I don't go out to eat breakfast anymore. I maintain a steady breakfast at the house. I like to eat put it on the host half a piece of wheat toast, two eggs, sunny side up, and a bowl of raspberries, bananas, apples, cannellos, whatever I can find. I said, you know, I'm trying to dump. You got to try. You can't. That's like a breakfast one of the commercials. That's like a real fun breakfast. Finish up here with you tonight. Okay.

Fucking eat like two more of these edibles. Not in the morning. You know, nothing I will sleep till fucking 10, you know. But as long as I know my mind, I got none to tomorrow morning. Maybe I'll stay step a little late tonight Watch something a little later. We got two games a Monday night football Philadelphia Tampa Bay 715 I think a 15 you got the Rams at Cincinnati

You know what man? Oh My chat yeah, I'm poor And they don't give a fuck. They got two games going on. And that's good. Because right now, Jewish people could sit there, eat fucking. How the bread jumped up and down. Stewed, pastrami. They could eat anything they want tonight, though, right?

No, they can't eat. I don't know if you can eat. Well, it's still you probably had this course of beef you could. But like, yeah, you could eat. It's usually bread. It's good to breakfast. Oh, I love brisket. Oh, I love brisket. With rye bread, little fucking males. You really are, Joe, I can't do the rye bread.

Come on now. Not like fucking regular stominkia bread. There's rye bread, and then there's fucking rye bread that those people make at their own delis. Yeah, that's good. Nobody would ever understand, if I were an ex-Aid, and go eat pastrami at langers, they'll look at me and go,

why would I leave New York? They eat pastrami at langers, Joey. Let me tell you something. The piece of bread you're going to eat to pastrami at langers, you're never going to eat a piece of bread like that. You're like, it's like a riot Italian bread. I can't

explain it to you. You know, I cannot explain it to you. Nobody would go there to eat this chocolate, but I wouldn't. I saw your boy Tom Axtair one time getting 10 sandwiches with a bunch of foster kids. I don't even know if there were foster kids or he was taking them to Bolivia on a family trip. Why is he my boy? I don't know. I thought you liked the movie big. I do like the movie big. I'll write taking them to Bolivia on a family trip. Why is he my boy? I don't know, I thought you liked the movie big. I do like the movie big. I write that, and then he's your boy, Consecret. What do you got planned this week?

Where are the open mics at least I had? This week's the big week, man. This week, Thursday through Saturday, I'm in Omaha at the Funny Bone Open for Josh Wolf. That's what we're talking about. Fucking Primo, number one club. The owner there is, it's not an investor. When you work comedy clubs, you're gonna go to clubs

with the owners and investor. He came from a chain of restaurants and there was a new mall opening and he figured he'd buy a funny bone or an improv or something like that. Anybody could do that. But I could kill you that you go into these clubs sometimes. And this person that's judging you doesn't know anything about comedy. They've been doing comedy. They've been watching comedy for three years. They They've been doing comedy, they've been watching comedy for three years, they bought into comedy,

like I remember doing a club where the guy came from a chain of restaurants. Every time I go up to do 30 minutes, he would sit by the stage, stand and just look at me because he was petrified. And I had to pull him aside when I go, Doug, you got to knock it off. You know, you make it well. I just heard of

your behavior on stage. That's what they came to see. They didn't come to see you stand there on the side like a fucking mummy. I can't wait to see it. I'm telling you, Lee, he would stand on the right side. I'm sorry, I thought it was on the right'm the right side there. Right on the front page. Yeah, right there with his arms crossed. Like a fucking sleeper, Bill. I can't have that. No, I can't have that. So we had words after the first show Thursday.

We had words again, Friday and inside of the day, it was too busy. You couldn't stand there. It was too busy. I was a feature of that. But I remember like he called me back years later. You know, to go, I never stepped put in a feature of that. But I remember like he called me back years later. You know, to go, I never stepped foot in a fucking club again.

But my point is that when you do comedy and you get me beat up at every fucking level, it's nice to work a club every once in a while that the person has been involved in comedy in some way or the other for 30 years. Their whole life has been comedy. You know, they were married and kids and now this is their focus of their life. They take care of you.

They make a great comedy club on it. They welcome you. When you get to your room, there's always something for you there in Nebraska. You know, Colleen is, it's a fore show, five show weekend. You know, it's a great fucking club and here's the crazy thing. When you're a young comic like a guy from Boston you take a home on a braska and you're like, what am I gonna talk to there? A piece of beef, what am I gonna do there? What's gonna come to my show? A butcher, let me tell you something, people laugh harder than

any way you go. They take the ride with you, they're dirty, and there's nothing no better feeling than that, where the comedy club only comes there to watch you to see and then give you confidence. And she's one of those club owners. So I'm so sorry. We're going at this level of your comedy career because it's a breather. You know what, man? Maybe if I played the piano in high school and now he wants to tell you not to be, say the word Jew on state and you're like,

knock at the fuck off, take a hike around the building, will you? I'm a comedy podcast fan. You know, we did the church for all that time. I love, I listen to all of them. And there's a few clubs that, like all of you guys talk about, talk about the store. You talked about like Cap City, comedy works in Denver, Zaini. So there's a few clubs that seem to be like clubs that like comics get excited about and

For some reason it just sticks in your head because you're right. It's it's Omaha Nebraska, which I don't think I think I drove through once like everyone talks about how cool it is and I'm just yeah, I'm just so excited You know when as a comic you get so excited about big moves, you know, like this week I'm gonna go to Vegas. I'm at the first time I went to Vegas, I'm not gonna tell you the club or the, it was a week long club and it was one of the biggest disappointments of my life. I can't tell you how sad I was by Thursday and I still had fucking, you know, eight more shows left to something. Or you want to do is go home. You start up to do comedy. And next thing I'm going to

elevate again, hit by swords with little fucking kids, you know, it was, then I had the two shows a night. They come up to you before the show and tell you got to be spotless. I got to wait for the guy to walk out of the room for me to do a fucking pussy joke or fart joke or and I was like this ain't worth it. This isn't Las Vegas to me. I thought I was gonna walk out of here like fucking Dean Martin and have a great time,

but I also worked there with Dyson at the beginning. And I saw how it was for a guy like in his stature. When we opened for him, I got there like my ball second on five. Nobody would say two fucking words to me, you know what I'm saying? But anyway, were you at this week, brother, man? I'm at Omaha, I'm trying to, the rest of the week, I'll be at OpenMikes in Worcester. People came out to that, the comics, the OpenMikes were very excited to hear about it.

So that's that, and then I have something October 5th in Connecticut. Okay, well, that's not very bad. The fifth, the next week. We're about this week at the city. How you gonna tackle it? I mean, we're gonna want notes for me. Okay, on what? Monday's podcast, how you think you did?

What could have been better? I mean, cause this is a two-man show. Right. This is something that you only did with me years ago where you got to go up then do 20 minutes. And I used to break your balls and go, you got to do 40 minutes tonight very nonchalantly. You know, Lee, you earned your strength brother. I used to, these motherfuckers don't know how I used to give you adibles and tell you all they you were doing 10 minutes you and eight other comics and then we get to the ice house and I go everybody canceled you know about 60 minutes and guys you can just see the color leaves with a little Jewish cheeks and see fucking steam coming out of his ears and I would hold him to it for about 20 minutes.

Nobody else is coming, going to back and get your material ready. He'd be making push noises, you know, the whole fucking thing. And then he'd go up then do great, you know, 10 minutes, 12 minutes. And then I'd get off stage and I would then go, I can't fucking believe you did that to me.

I was back there, I wanted to get my car and go home. That's the mark of a fucking true comic brother. And that's what I'm gay. Listen, if we call each other, this is the same conversation you hear people. It's nothing edited here except, you know, I tell them about draft kings and what I bet, but besides that, you know,

this is what we're doing. But you do tell me that stuff. What's that? You call, we'll talk about sports all the time. Oh yeah, well, we talk about a lot of other things in that. Yeah. It was one time, it was really get on the phone and go deep with our topics.

Like when we talk about gay people and Eric the fag, you know, all that shit, you know, how he jerks off our people's feet and stuff, You know, that's the phone call they want to hear. We're both hired and fucked and we're just dying on the phone. You know, before I said to you, he called me up and he goes, I already took the adables. I go, I don't know. You know, sound retarded and we start dying. I laughed it.

That's what the check in is all about. What do you think about it? Absolutely. I love it to laugh. That's what the check in is all about. What do you think? Absolutely. I love it, man. I want you tomorrow, right? Tomorrow night is I will be in two places. I'll be at the Blackstone in Worcester and I'll be at the at a Rex in Wont it. You're fucking beautiful brother. If you go to see any of Lee's shows, please say hello to him and report back to me how he did, you know, my Twitter is at mad flavor.

Let me know if this motherfucker should call an abomeler or no, I have all the confidence in the world. You're gonna do great this week, brother. That's a great place. She makes you feel at home so it takes the fucking steam off, you know, again, you're half neurotic, but it could be worse. I could be that torture again. So I'm way more than half neurotic, but thank you. My brother, have a great week, and let's close out the show with some sponsors, guys. Love you.

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