Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Episode #8 - Joey Diaz dosed a lifelong friend after a wake

Episode Date: October 24, 2023

You read that right. This week on The Check In Joey and Lee talk about Joey's rules for phone calls driving and more. Joey also tells Lee about doing sets at a strip club, they talk about Lee seeing Dave Chappelle's shows in Boston, Joey dosing his childhood friend after a wake and much more! This show is supported by: Support the show & get 55% off your Babbel subscription at https://www.babbel.com/JOEY   New customers can score $200 instantly in bonus bets for throwing down just $5 on the NBA. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app & use code JOEY   The Check In is sponsored by BetterHelp. Support the show & get 10% off your 1st month of therapy at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ

It's Tuesday, the 24th of October. The check-in is brought to you by Babel. Listen, it's a new year. I know who cares, but you can make a resolution whenever you want. This fall, instead of jumping up and down with your friends on Sundays, try learning a new language. They have quick, take-minute lessons so you won't get bored. You'll be able to

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babble.com slash Joey. Let's get this party started Jack. I'm out of candles. I'm out of your TV's run for your lives. It's over. They can put you on this planet just to give up. I thought for Joey to do it, I could fucking rule the world. I think you gotta be thinking.

Welcome back to Sheldon! There you go. You should have planned the head. There you go. Now you know how I feel. I called them two times. The game was on fire. The Philly game. Two times. You're watching the game, nothing. Now, this is my life. This is my fucking life. That's why sometimes I gotta be careful when I call people. because I already know. They're not going to call back. So I'm about to take a shit, sit and watch a game. I just went and got an Italian ice. I just sat down with the spoon. You ever get me Italian ice? You sit down and you forget, fuck, I don't have a spoon. Now you're going to go back up there and get the spoon to come down. I put the fucking Italian ice in my pocket. I have a hood

of sweatshirt on in my basement. I put an italian ice in my pocket, let it melt for like eight and a nine minutes. Then I take that mother fuck out one of those old school genos from shop right. And I scrape as about I'm about to put this spoon in those eight minutes. It's like waiting for a fucking judge. You're like, what the fuck am I doing with my life? Those eight minutes. I got an Italian ice in my pocket. I just hope it's not Satan the more than it's 901 at night. It's bell time.

Now, as soon as I sit down to watch whatever the fuck is when they want to call me back, and my phone will ring four times in a row from four different people. Three of them might call last Tuesday. So I'm gonna hear from them. I wanna get fucked and ripped. You understand me?

I don't wanna hear from you. I forgot what I even fucked and called you for. That was last week. Forget about it. You're done. It's a whole new fucking baton. It's fucking stretch. I want to, I legit have this written down. I have this written down and I don't know if we're started or not.

But I want to talk to you and this doesn't be about all of them. But about like Joey Diaz's rules or laws. Because you have rules that no one else has and I have telephone written down. Listen, let me talk to you this way. It's not even rules. It's basic salesmanship sometimes. Like it's just basic 101. If I call you and I tell you my story and I go as soon as I hear from them, I'll call you and I don't hear from them for two weeks because I'm dealing with corporate and it's two fucking weeks and every day you're like I'm available today actual while you know, I'm gonna stab myself And then stab you you know thing

Especially when my head somewhere completely different like I'm talking. I got a book thing on Wednesday night I got 20,000 things my door is coming home at 308 And you want to call me at 301 and You just cracked me. I had another guy today as I'm getting ready to go to Jiu-Jitsu. Hey, you want to go to lunch on Friday at 9. It's got to be after 1, right? I go it's got to be after 1. I want to go to Jiu-Jitsu on Friday from 12 to 12.45 and then sometimes I stay the younger guys beat me up. I sit there. I talk with those guys. That's my fucking

Social that's my life. I'm 60. I'm old, you know, I come home and sometimes I get home at 2.00 Sometimes I get home at 1.30 Sometimes I get home at a quarter to 3. I hang with those guys They're great guys So now he's like I said to him him, we'll have to do a Friday. Now it's fucking Monday. All right. My head's somewhere completely different. Friday is not even in my scheme. The only thing I know about Friday is I got Friday night off. My daughter's going to a movie and my wife got the dread. She's coaching basketball this year. That's all I know. So Friday night I got off. Right. That's all I know right now

Thursday I got something Sunday night No, yeah, Sunday night I got something I'm supposed to go to but now the more I think about it doesn't look like I got to go It's one of those things where I got a park and walk you lost me already Not most things Huh, even that most things in places? That's the lot better already. The park ate one ballet park and this place is huge. That means I'm there for fucking an hour. I'm protected outside scrotals. I need this right now Lee. I could be at home watching Sunday night football about the watching episode of some fucking repeat

on Netflix or some shit. But the funny thing is, it's like you have all these schedules and rules, but you don't tell me, but like these guys are just calling you and it's like it's just a rule that you can't break. Like how do you teach people your rules? Like do you train people? I got my own personal problems.

We got their own personal demons. You know what I'm saying? I like to do shit a certain way, you know. Everything is slowed down in my life right now. Like people hit me up. Do you want to be a podcast? What time, 12 o'clock in the city? You lost me. Gotta be 11 o'clock, you know.

Cause I wanna be done at fucking by 12.30. So I can be on the ferry to Rudy's, get a bowl of clam, got a soup, maybe some calamari with medium sauce. And then getting that fucking I95, whatever it is, hit the fucking parkway south, and next thing, you know, I'm passing that strip club on the right next to a dairy queen.

Only in Jersey is there a strip club next to a fucking dairy queen. And let me tell you something, the girls must be spending their whole fucking day there, because all of them are chubby like me, they're outside all day drinking milk. I think I'm every time I drive by and it's traffic. So I look over just to see what the girls are doing.

What's the flavor of the day? One day it's a slushy. One day it's a fucking, you know, hey, strippers like ice cream too. You know what I'm saying? Really like a chubby strip club or the, I don't even know Lee, but they don't, I don't know, it's a weird strip club.

I've never gone in there. I went to the one about three miles away. It's like, he's gonna like rub with it. When I first moved here, but they shut it down. Now they've reopened. What if they shut it down? Illegal charges, you know, these people, you know, they're victims.

It's in the town that's very conservative and the strip club that my buddies had think about if I owned a strip club. And I was 60 years old and I wasn't married and I was still doing below. Are you fucking kidding me? I'd be, will you find me dead at the strip club sweaty? I'd have like blood coming out of my nose, the sweat dripping all over me. My shirt opened, some chick took my chain. That was my end. But this, you know, a Jersey Strip Club to us, it's still 1980. Are there still partying in there?

It's not the party. I think it's B-Y-O-B. That's the only way they could have stayed open and they could have been nude. Okay. But, you know, where we grew up in the early 80s, I told you about that bar that we saw. So when our minds, if we open up a strip club, we kind of wanted to be like that. And we had a fucking, a listen, and our day, it would have been a tremendous strip club. I went there, I would come back from North Bergen, and I'd stop in there to say hello to him and his son, fucking great family.

Met some Cuban girls in there that were fucking great ladies, they were telling me about Cuba, they were going back and forth. You know, I just give them a couple dollars and they talk for me for 10 minutes. So what? You know what I mean? People pay me to talk for me to talk shit for an hour and they sit there and they want to take a fucking picture. I can't give a strip or a couple fucking old wrinkled singles with crack on them from 1982 and shit. So as they touch it,

they're fingernails disintegrate from the fucking real ether in that shit. Anyway, what we talking about Jesus? I'm both stripped. Have you ever done, because I was thinking, I've done for less shows, but I've never been in the lead at a strip club. Have you ever performed at a strip club? Yes.

What is that like? Believe me. I can imagine. I think I did it twice. In Denver, there was, when I was first starting, like four years in, a new strip club had opened. It wasn't shotgun willies or any of the well-known ones. This one was like a cabaret in Denver. And when it opened, they would pay headline as 175 and features a

buck on a quarter for 30 minutes in the strip club and they would give you a fucking stake. It was one of those types of strip clubs. It was real. I forget the name of it. I don't even know if it's still. This is 1995 and it was tremendous. It was a high end dog. I was getting 125. I was running out of there with the full 125 in those days. I was not going to sit around for a lap dance. No, broken no days. I was delivering fucking Chinese food to make ends meet. You know, there was no way. I would take that fucking check and run the fuck out of that. I would take this take to go. I think I only worked it twice. And then years later when I got to the comedy store some guy came up and met the story and he goes I like you to work some functions for me Fairfax and

Santa Monica You had it down from sunset strip you had it down to Santa Monica I'm fairfax you hook a fucking right and you go down about three blocks and on the left is a Mexican joint I took you one time there, burritos. We used to always go for chicken burritos. When I first got to the store in 97, there's a 7-Eleven next to it and across the street there's an acting studio. Okay. Across the street from that is a still there. I think they jump up and down with fucking motorcycle suits in there now. But at this, it was a cabaret where you gambled, you fucking gambled, and you, I went to Bamba Deer, you gambled, and you gambled, and you also, there

was a bless show, you know, it wasn't nudity. It was a very high end. It was like an after-hours type thing. The show started like a midnight. I did it once, it wasn't for me. Listen, if you're not gonna take off your clothes, why am I here? At that time, I was single, it was 98.

I'm at the store doing power to the gig, paid 40 bucks, but we didn't go on to two in the morning. Well, you had to wait until after the burlesque show now if you're doing cocaine playing poker Do you want to see me up there doing stupid fucking jokes or two during the morning me? It was like me Josh wolf maybe Sam tripply and every week with somebody else. And I didn't like maybe once, twice. The reason I remember is because Sean Penn was there

when I playing poker. That's the highlight of my fucking strip club career. It's a tough fucking job. It's like living in New York state and doing casinos on the Tuesday night. Comedy's more popular now, but when in 19 and 2000 I Would do casinos on Tuesday that fucking paid you cash But Lee oh my god, you felt like Jesus in front of you

You felt like you were me for your fucking life. First off, there was a guy with a stopwatch. And listen, I got off one time at 28 minutes, this guy sat me down for an hour. And you're a total fucking earpiece, all right? So I look, because I'm like, nobody can stand there. He's just talking to yourself like a crazy man. I'm that fucking serious.

You know, when you're an open mic or in the beginning, you're like, yay, I can't work a casino. And then you go to fucking, there's a casino outside of Vegas, not lawfully and not anything else. This is close to the Idaho border. Border. Trouble buck books the Idaho border, border. Triple buck books are two week running there. It's the biggest money maker he's got.

They pay you like a hundred and night, six nights, but you have to stay for two weeks. I tapped out after four nights. I did Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and by Thursday I was back at the fucking underground. You've never died, you know, I told him some story. Oh my god. That was a ship started to bail and then about three months later, he gave me another chance and I just bailed and after that, we talked every once in a while but there was no getting to.

We talked every once in a while, but there was no getting to I bailed on a Thursday morning. So I bailed a couple times. Sometimes, you just got to abandon ship. This is a not a good ship to be on. I can't wait. Why? Like during mid week, you're just like, no thanks. Nah, listen, I win this. You got a couple kids band coming in here, 11. I'm up there talking about putting dynamite

and it checks asshole. It's just ain't right. Somebody's losing out here. They just sitting there staring at you. You know, that's like, uh, you know, when I see Washington or something, you know, when you're doing comedy out there, I'm like, what am I doing? This, you know, 10 minutes before the show, you got a fact that says you got to be clean because they're Mormons. I got to switch up my mind.

I can't even do a baking joke. I got to do a joke about having 18 mistresses and go on a church. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Are you fucking nuts? So in your mind, as a young comic, you have all these. I can't wait to work in casino Until they give you a full week and you see what life is all about when you're performing for people with a fucking Who holds in their nose and they got like an alert in their head ready to go They're gonna wheelchair and there's some fucking nephew like come on grandpa hold on

Ten more minutes and I get 20 more percent of the world. I mean, it's fucking, it's just so fucked up. The listen, one of my biggest fucking things I ever wanted to do when I came back here and 93 was to do something Atlantic City. Okay, it was my fucking dream, Lee. But I'm like, hometown, yeah. That my fucking hometown. Well, hometown like Vegas, it was my fucking dream, Lee. But I'm like hometown. That my fucking hometown. Well, hometown like Vegas, it's like, it's a cool venue,

or a cool area. So yeah, yeah, until you get mugged, right? Was the last time you went to AC, you got to leave that building. You got to leave that building with fucking 22 armed guards if you went from time to time. At the other clock, you see people you've never seen before. You've never seen before.

I was down there twice since I've been back here in two years. Woo! You better stay in that hotel and you better bring your own lock for the door. You know what I'm saying? You don't trust nobody down there. And they got my hotels, they got fucking kick ass restaurants. But I don't know. I just haven't felt nobody down there and they got my hotels they got fucking kick ass restaurants But I don't know I just haven't felt safe down there like all day sad. I didn't leave my room

That's crazy I would have thought it would have been okay the beaches the beaches okay It's colder than fuck You could smell bodies there from fucking boardwalk empire in 1940 doing shit. So I don't know. But the feeling when I stepped on stage there was superb. I opened up for Rogan. Oh, recently, right?

No, this is two years ago. Okay, yeah. Well, that's what I meant. I did seven minutes and I ran the fuck out of that two nights in a row. Rogan just wanted to see me and I wanted to see him. So he's like, come on down. If you want to get on stage, you're not up pay. I'm like, he just got the fucking Spotify. You know, he was like always great to me.

So and we just hung out for two days and cracked jokes right after Saturday night. I abandoned ship and I talked him into leaving too because I asked him what are you leaving? He's like I'm leaving Sunday morning I go time out. What are you doing with this Spotify Getus? People tell me what I get out of here. Eleven o'clock he's like that's a good idea. Boom! He was out there at eleven o'clock. Are you yourself? You give me a hundred million to do a gig in a Linux city.

I got a helicopter. As soon as I get on stage, you know how we do it. You're coming. You're going to get stuck there. So once I go like this and I look that way and I'm headed to that curtain, you're done. It's curtains can put and that's trying to talk to me. Thank you. Sign the frame.

Yeah. Good bill. And you're down in that fucking.. Thank you. Sign the frame. Yeah. Good bill. And you're down in that fucking. And it take you away like get smart. That's what I used to be. Not not afraid. Well, I like I knew if I like we went to a club or somewhere and I wasn't there when you ready.

Like ready to go. I'd be finding a new way home. Like I look you used to aim the car out. You used to just hit people and leave cars and like places were like definitely used to aim the car out. You used to just hit people and leave cars and places were like definitely not supposed to leave a car. You need the car right there. Don't worry about that. If they give you a ticket, tell them I'll be out of here

with going side and get me. I got an X-rays in the truck. And like, how do you left anyone before? Left one. Left someone at a place? Like if they weren't ready? Oh. Oh, You have no

friend of mine I grew up with and on the Judas Priest Solar or whatever tour we went to some theater in New York went till it may be I forget the name of the theater. It doesn't really matter. It's not there anymore And one of them, my friend went, like it was a buddy of mine came to me and he was, she's going to the concert with another friend of mine. If you're there, can you keep the eye on him?

And I said, absolutely, I reached out to them. I go, you guys feel safer. This guy's coming, this guy's coming, we all grew up together. They got cocktails, they got fucking quail ludes, we know whatever, right? We get over to Judas Priest, we all walk in from Yorkers together, and they're sitting close to us. They got tickets, like they're like in April or like in September.

And I don't know what the fuck happened. Like it was like, I don't even know who went up first. It was like, hi in Maiden. And I look over there and they're both over there rocking, but one of their friends came. Like from fucking some of the high school or somebody's cousin, you know how it goes. Right. Well, guess who got sick? The fucking cousin.

She started puking in the house. The right away. I don't know nobody, right? Maybe I don't know nobody. I never seen these crazy fucking animals before. And some happens they took the girl in the bathroom. Now, you know, listen, I got to the point I was going to so many fucking concerts at that time. It was like, it was the summertime.

We were always going somewhere. I was a little burnt out. And I'm like, you know what? I heard what I came to hear. It's time for bed. So I'm in the opening act. No, I'm what I am made. Okay.

Now, one thing I hate is since I'm a kid, is leaving when everybody else is leaving. Okay. Now, I got to leave here with 3000 people. I was worried about COVID before COVID. Like, I got to leave here with 3000 people. This New York City breathing on my neck. I'd rather walk out of here than have to crawl out, right? So I walk up to them. They come back with

puky. She's fucking like, you know, and I go, guys, this is no, I go, let's get her out of here. Right? And I'll send like they carried her out. I'm trying to help her. And she just pukes again like the exorcist and that was my statement called a bandage ship. I just put my roller skates on and boogie it out of there. I walked through the train and I went home. I had other friends there from my hometown.

It's like I left them there and like two days. Even if you were actually carrying her and dropping her. Listen, my mother had just died You think I'm worried about fucking leaving you I got bigger things on my mind I gotta go check the grape to see if you still alive. I don't fucking I'm gonna go fucking wait for your night Would you bring puke it was supposed to be us? That's why you're not supposed to show up with somebody Unless you know that fucking family now. I got to worry about puke Unless, you know, that fucking family. Now I got to worry about puke.

Until this day, one of the girls, when I see you now, right, he says you cocked sucker. You left me at that Judas breeze. Can I? Love it. You we had to, it's funny that you said like you don't want to leave with everyone else. I want to tell you, I got invited to a UFC one time with you. And I was like, the only time I went, it was great seats. And like I think it was like at the beginning of the,

like the main event, you're like, it's time to get the time to go. I got it. We watched on the TV's by like the concession stand. Yeah, we went up to the TV by the concession stand. There's not a soul up there. You could fucking light yourself on fire and die. And nobody would even notice.

It's the main card, nobody gives a fuck. You know, like that movie with the guys and they robbed Boston fucking stadium. Oh yeah, it was aflox, yeah. Yeah, what's the name of that movie? Not Damon, the town? No, the town. Yes, the town, I'm sorry. Let me tell you something, for your aspiring screenwriters, that's the next fucking flick.

They've already done 22 fucking oceans, 28 ocean, these guys are 100 years old and they're still robbing. I'm 60, I couldn't crawl out of window. Are these guys fucking going into the States? I love burglarized houses, if I can still do it, I'd't crawl out of window all these guys I love burglarized houses if I can still do it. I'd still be out there banging it out But you got cameras and I ain't gonna fit no closet no more You know you can hide under a bed when you're 140 180 but when you're busting

250 to 90 that's gonna be a waffle. I listen, I'm not getting that, it's like a sea saw, you know what I'm saying? That's it, those days are over, but so I don't get it. So right now, if you're an aspiring writer, you put together a nice script, an indie script about Robin fucking a UFC event, you know, in a different type of town, not Las Vegas, like a town like that, where they have, it's a huge gate You know you do a fucking show when I know What somewhere like that that's more you bring some good fucking fighters

You're gonna get people from Canada blah blah blah blah and they come over real cash I don't give fuck if they go to ticket vendors and buy two thousand dollars. I've seen it There's a big difference of a UFC event in Vegas than a UFC event anywhere else. And in LA, they show up late. You go to a UFC in Minneapolis, they're there at 401. I was banging on the door, punching each other, banging people's head doing double takedowns and shit. It's real, you know, this is what they have on a satellite. They work fucking three months to stay in a hotel, have tequila, do mushrooms, bring the wife, you know,

this is a big thing, so it's a big difference. But a guy robbing like a UFC, it's great, when the main fight is going on. That's the time to do it. I mean, time to set up there by myself. And I'm like, they're in a show up here. And every all the vendors, they all got their little brooms. What do you think they're doing? They're in the hallways watching the fucking fight. Listen, I'm not here fucking telling you about a scam. scam. You know what I'm saying?

If you rob Vegas and you had caught, don't put my name into it, Doc. It's so funny. That's so funny. It's so funny before you wreck yourself. Holy shit. Do you do that when they're walking around? You're like, this would be a good place to... Or no.

Sometimes. Sometimes I'm not walking around. Like, look at here, a purse. You know, and she's with the skid 40 yards away on the street saw. Robin out of principle. You know what I'm saying? How do you have a person?

You put it by the rock there and you're a problem. Any fucking body of take it. You deserve to get robbed. But me, I'm a good Samaritan. I stay in the area until she comes over. I make sure nobody robs the purse It was very nice of you. You gotta do it. It's good. Jesus watching Holy shit, I was fucking fun. It's You're talking You're talking about like the difference of like the UFC audiences and I went to I went to both nights of shepalah and it was

It was great like that It was fun to see but the audiences were very like the shows were almost completely different Both night like mm-hmm thirds versus the Friday. Yeah, it was a material thing for about. Well, no, no, he's I'm sorry. His material was fairly similar, but I'm saying like the audience and like the reaction to the material was different Thursday and Friday. Like it was like it was very similar material.

And it was just like the audiences were very different. It was a it was just like the audiences were very different. It was a, it was just strange to see. And it's the same guy, the same comic, but he's like almost two different audiences. You went Thursday and Friday. Mm-hmm. Thursday night was the alleged incident. I love, he said, and the article I read,

it said he said he did not be in Boston on Thursday, which I thought was hysterical I'm telling you everybody's notion to levity. They don't know nothing But you know, it was yeah, it was an strange thing. I didn't The article is made it seem worse than I thought it was. I mean, I'm with 20,000 people there Yeah, you're gonna get people who are gonna get upset. I didn't see anyone leave. And I, I'm, we're never gonna get into political stuff,

but to me it was pretty down the middle. It was like, if you're either way on one side, you're gonna either love it or hate it. But he bruised up and out. I don't know, what do you mean? I have to stay in there, I'm just out. I don't know. I don't know. I understand. I'm just good. No, no, no. It was just I didn't view it as hateful either way, but it was not as pro Israel, as I think, a lot of people either would like or expect. But it wasn't that much

of the show. And it was cool. I was just more impressed with like him. And I thought the show, like it just, you're talking about like the energy, like the... With the DJ, you were very impressed with the DJ. I was very impressed with the DJ. And an amazing name is a fucking genius to that. That sounds, yeah. You paid 300 bucks a day, it's worth every dollar.

I'm gonna tell you why. It's not just three fucking jerk gloves coming out genius to that. You paid 300 bucks a day, it's worth every dollar. I'm gonna tell you why. It's not just three fucking jerk gloves coming out telling you stupid jokes. It's a fucking experience. You don't know what you're gonna get, which is a concept that I love. That's the old Rolling Stones. You didn't know who the fuck was gonna show up. For a fan, that's a great experience. If I go to a show and it's him, Donnell, Allie Wong,

you saw Dean Dane Cook. You know, I met Mohammed and then he puts on like, the DJ that might be fucking DJ Khalid. You don't know till you get there and you'll have a rap group that is dropping and they'll come out with them and fuck around and you know what at the end of the day it's not just a fucking comedy show. It's an experience and I think people enjoy that. If I'm a consumer, yeah they're 400 dollar ticket but guess what you're gonna be stoned

as fuck. Nobody's gonna say shit to you. You can eat mushrooms. You can jump up and down. And you're gonna laugh with Dave and his fucking cohorts. And you know what, man? It's a great show. The energy, listen, when you go into a U.S.C.

The first thing you feel is the energy. Yeah, but Joey, I can watch it at home. I understand. You don't see me jumping up and down at UFC You know why cuz you got a park and you got a walk that's it All right, and when I'm home all I have to walk through refrigerator or the fucking toilet right that's it But I can't deny that to you When you walk in to a fucking UFC I

Go to basketball games. I go to baseball games, I love every minute of it. But again, the U.S.C. took it up a notch. You know, you don't know who's going to show up at any U.S.C. So as a fan, you're at a U.S.C. in fucking Tokyo and Jared Lido sitting there dressed up like James Bond. You have an experience. I went home. Jared Lito is there. Usman knocked out the rush and I know he didn't. But whatever the story is. And that's a that's something that's a, you know, Berk-Kreyshire is building is an experience. What he's doing. I fucking love what he's doing. Whatever you fucking have to say about Berk Rysher, he just, he's the new fucking walking dead, except with acid and whatever, it's a bunch of fucking dude drinking theaters. Okay, that's it,

and he puts on the best acts, and he goes to little stadiums to give love to fucking everybody. Who's better than that? I gotta give love to skank fast. Look what they have fucking died. That's an experience. You get to throw fucking Ken Conn them around. There's a wrestling match. People are fighting. Aries fucking naked. You know, that's a fucking experience. If you've got that stamina. Yeah, and people do that. That's freaking that's deep. So I give those motherfuckers all the credit in the world, all the credit in the world. All the credit in the world. Everybody freaks out, I went to a club last night.

These motherfuckers have been partying. It's for three days that three, that 22 in a room, their young kids that save them money. There's 22 of them in the room. They drove there with fucking a full tank of gas. One of them's got to warrant That's what life is all about my friends Think about it. It's okay

And I was thinking about that too because I Always appreciated when people come to shows but like I So I started to tell like 10 something 15 years ago and it was like it then like those kind of shows Are like things people will remember their whole life. If they remember one thing from it like there's like a good chance Be going to see shapel at the guard like like there's something people will remember and it's just To put in the perspective for like some like me is but it was like crazy to put more emphasis on it. Almost.

You know, I remember when I walked in the Boston Garden, 20 fucking years ago, on February 20, 1998. One of those comics brought me where we were doing that club downtown in the football shape stadium. I was a feature act. It was a Monday night, this summer shit. And he said, if I didn't mind stopping and doing a room, he had an extra ticket for Boston on Monday night. There's some shit. And he said if I didn't mind stopping and doing a room, he had an extra ticket for Boston on Tuesday night.

Right there, just if you know anything about me, my heart stopped. I'm like, here I got $8 in my pocket. I hope I don't have to buy drinks. And this guy's like, nah, I got tickets and everything is included. Woo! You know, and then I just brought a brief,

a refill with me. But you know what I first remember when I walked into the Boston Garden, whether it's new, old, go back to 98 and 99 or something, I remember when I saw all those flags in ship things. You look at that and you're like, that's fucking American drag. Whatever you want to call them, that's old school. That's when I was growing up. All that shit was happening as I got into basketball.

And then in my hometown, there was a disciple, there was a cousin to Hablet Check. And he called on the street, Glenn Hablet Check, yeah. In fact, there were two cousins, and one of them played on the state championship, North Bergen team in 1978 when they won the states and then there was a younger brother and He was a year older than me and I remember I was in awe And he was a fucking average Like I never tried to file him my shit like that if he called the file. I just didn't argue with him

He's a fucking average actually You know you want me to fucking boss look and we had If he called the file, I just didn't argue with him. He's a fucking average, actually. You know, you're on me to fucking boss look and we had I forget their names, but we had two two The O'Neal brothers and my mates and talk about the O'Neal brothers the two Irish twins That you hit one and the other one would cry. Oh, yeah, we played basketball. I was karate chop. They lived next to somebody who was a cousin to the Celtic and the guy would come over there and we would beg him whenever he comes, the guy was like a third string center. He was a skinny white dude from like Jersey. I forget what the fuck his name was and we would

always tell the cousin bring him over we want to meet him you know he was a nobody but we didn't give a fuck he was a something so it was like you know I'd never got to meet him or anything but anyway who gives this shit but that's what I got so happen those places when you walk in you get sucked in body energy if you're I don't give a fuck if you're a Yankee fan and somebody invites you in to see a fucking red side game and you walk in there if you're a Yankee fan two fan of baseball you'll look around and go wow why did I pay eight hundred dollars for these seats my

ass don't even fit this motherfucker. They don't fucking manage puke. I could smell it everywhere. Yeah, my wife's got to sit on my lap. She's tipping the scale in two tens since she had the kid. We just having fun, Doc. Fuck us. It's Tuesday, the 24th.

Don't forget Wednesday, the 25th tomorrow night. I'm in brick, New Jersey at Barnes and Noble brick 6 to 8. I'll be there giving out some books and I'm thinking of raffle and something so I'm gonna go to Hobby Lobby tomorrow I get some raffle tickets I'll be printing some fucking kind of fit ones or something. I can't tell you what color they are because I don't want it. It is Jersey dog. You let if you have a raffle on a Tuesday and a Wednesday and you put out pink fucking things, but at the time you get that fucking Wednesday, everybody's got a pink ticket. You get there. You're like, how do all these people win

because you put the same color. It's like when you're on probation, you got to call to see what color it is. When I was on probation years ago for the fucking, I was like color purple. So Monday, Wednesdays and Friday, you had to call in like 1-800-Fuck-and-a-Mont probation. You put your code in and they go, it's Monday. The 23rd of October, Today the colors are red. And by the time there was drop in knowledge on, you'd be holding your bread, red, green, and aqua. Talk to you on Wednesday, and you hang up and go, oh, I don't have to drink any more fucking apple cider, vinegar, fucking, everything else I drank

to last 24 hours to beat this pistas. Boof. I did it again They but they have something they catch you eventually They always catch you but who gives a fuck who's a criminal that watches this show nobody? We're all on the up and up. We're trying to make our lives better. We're just two fat fucks I get high on a Monday toos they get together. You know, there's a great game on Philadelphia against Arizona. There's another one in an hour for fucking the AC. It's Houston against fucking Texas in Houston. Forget about it.

You understand me? 20 of life. No parole. Now, having been watching baseball, is this a Philly wins tonight? They win the World Series? No, no, no. I think they have to play tomorrow. Now having them watching baseball, is this a Philly wins tonight? They win the World Series? No, no, no, I think they have to play tomorrow and then they have to play the winner of the Texas Houston game. Oh, listen, because I all I started it was they were oiling up the lightposts today in Philly.

See, they shouldn't be doing that. That's what you know what happened before. You know what I put, this is my just, this is the way I'll go Joey things. You want to know how I think? You know what I put, this is my just, this is the way I look at Joey things. You wanna know how I think, you wanna know the rules I got? I got really, the besides playing basketball last year when you went to see him was the center from Philly. And guys, I went three times.

I went to three games last season. My heart's always in Philly. I always go to Philly, you know why? Cause I could be myself. If I wanna scratch my balls, I scratch my balls. If I want to jump up and down, I jump up and down. And yeah, mercy, my daughter, fuck, and adores it. Because people go off and she giggles her

and flarring things, young man. We fuck, we take kids with us, take fucking go crazy because you hear all these curved words and you hear shit. That's out of this world. So I feel comfortable and fully. Everybody else, the stadium everybody's quiet. If you say something they all look at you like, you know, I can't. I just pay three bills for this

fucking ticket. I got to sit here like I can got a tongue. I'm fucking, you know, feel fun and filling. I gotta be fucking free. Yeah, they got a 20-dollar tequila. When do I drink? Never. The frozen margarita in Philly For 20 bucks, it's got to be like 32 now But just pay for it and look the other way. There's a get your drunk. I'm not gonna lie to you You know my tolerance. I don't even drink. It's just a refreshing drink when it's 900 fucking degrees in Philly And they got the best wet ice, whatever they fucking

they call it, water ice. Oh, really? You sat 30 fucking feet from the stand. So I was like a yo-yo. When I left that, I was all shook it up on the fucking ice. You know what I'm saying? But right now I'm starting to feel good. I had my fucking little silly's mushroom here. Oh Woof, whatever you got tonight. I got milk fucking chocolate, you know saying nice Remend this I love it and I gotta give them a free plug because they always take good care Uncle Joey If you're in the move for some silly's here

The silly sibling chocolate four grand bars the chocolate, go to fungi factory on Instagram, put in Uncle Joey Savage, all one word. I don't know where it's lowercase to highercase. That's what I'm saying. You want cases what's law and order? I'm sorry about the lighting tonight. I'm experimenting. I'm not doing a remake of the monsters. I just got to figure this out. There you go. That's a little bit more straight. And now I look more at home. I changed it up a little bit.

I moved the room this way. Lee. I got the picture you gave me. Out of respect. Thank you. I was tailored to my right. I like it. I got the book to my on top of me, which don't forget the book signing tomorrow. When yeah, tomorrow, six to eight and person.

You're not going to walk in like some Johnny GVB. Let me shake your hand with fucking, you know, and then over here, you got led Zeppelin from my left. Who's better than me? I got Lawrence Taylor on my right. Led Zeppelin to my left. I got Charles Bronson on to him. I got Lawrence Taylor on my right. Led Zeppelin to my left. They got Charles Brunson on the him. I got my record player right here. Fuego, Suck it, you know what I'm saying? I love it. All right. I'll throw a commercial break here.

Let's take a breather from fucking Jack Jack. Listen, it's getting cold out there, but the games are heating up. Basketball is bat jack and draft kings, an official sports betting partner of the NBA has an unbeatable offer for check-in listeners only. You ready for this? You could score 200 instantly in bonus bets by throwing down just $5 on the NBA. Joey, what are you talking about? That's $200 on a Tuesday coming at you. So you have a little NBA cash for yourself. Make things even more exciting with draft Kings Parlay string together. Multiple bets from the same game

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That's right, Uncle Joey on a Tuesday, only at Draft King Sportsbook with co-Joy, the crown is yours, listen, you got a gambling phone? Call 1-800-Gamberler, or visit www.1-800-Gamberler.net and New York, call 1-8-8-800, gambler dot net in New York. Call 1-8-877-8-ho. New York or text, ho-h-o-p-e-n-y, 467-369. I love you.

Download the Draft Kings Act. We're back bitches anyway. We were talking about the man in the studio about when you work in an office and you do dirty things like that. Well, listen, I never worked in an office. Yes, I did. I think I did something for a while in an office. I didn't even know how to go on computer porn and anything.

But something about a desk, it makes you want to bang one out. You know what I'm saying? Why is that clip of you talking about you didn't live in an office yeah but it wasn't gonna have a desk like I was a sitting at a fucking chair like I got now it was an office that was empty with a fucking carpet on the floor not even it was a towel rolled up I lived like an Indian guy and fucking Bangladesh is up like that Okay, Jesus Christ you don't put a desk in Huh, you didn't have to put a desk in to like pretend I had something in there like a fucking one eight hundred number and some else. That's good enough

Where's your desk? I sit on the floor Better for my back Oh, and do you ever bring a girl back there? That's not 60 years old. I'm just saying when I was young and you were doing powder and shit and you'd wake up from powder, you have different sexual urges, some sort of thing, or something like that. You know what I'm saying? Like you had like the twig from last night, like I went on, and I got a fucking, you ever wake up and you have like a nut that swollen? On the right side, on the left side.

You're like, ooh, that hurts, yeah, it hurts because you were thinking about giving somebody a stab and you're fucking bangin' up and you fell asleep. Oh, yeah. Oxygen went in, but it didn't shoot out. Now you're walkin' around with a limp. You don't know what it is until you bang one out and also you're like Fucking Eureka

Look at you with that beard you're like Ali Baba Not You always used to say I had I said spirit I'm not Ali what are you talking about making a comeback? But you know, that's still not going beard. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I said, you know catch phrase. What? Lego. Just for tonight, you know what I'm saying? I'm just, if you said that after every joke.

After what? After every joke. You said, Lego. Oh my god, something just hit me. Hold on, give me a minute to catch my heart. Where's the water and where's the ice bag? I gotta tell you about the best time I had last week, okay For you guys there at home, I don't do much I got on my door the softball games

I play bachi which we got beat up last Tuesday We went deep into the night with them. We took them into the murky waters, but fucking they were down to this fuck. And we got beat 11 to six. So we're done on Tuesday nights. We ended up two and 13 or two and 16 or something like that. But it got me out of the house on Tuesday nights.

Yeah, fun. Start. And it was in my mind. It wasn't about taking pictures or jumping up and down. I'm just one of you motherfuckers getting away from my wife for a night. That's it. This is what it is. If you think I'm gonna come here and practice and talk about strategies, I got shit to do. I got a fuck with 10-year-old. So that ended Tuesday night and I was sad. Tuesday night, I really was. I came home and I was like fuck

What am I gonna do on Tuesday now? So I called the guys I go, let's just go bowling on Tuesdays Let's eat some fucking shrooms and let's go bowling on a fucking Tuesday, right? These guys are all in they might fucking dogs, right? so We planned on it. I don't know where we're gonna go tonight. So Friday We planned on it. I don't know where we're gonna go tonight. So Friday My wife had something with Mercy and I was like kind of fucking coming back from somewhere and I got home And she's like you're on your own until about fucking 830 or something like that And then I have something in the refrigerator. I'm not eating on your own. I wasn't really hungry

I had been fucking I got legit to, I had to meet somebody. I was in a car for like two hours. It was one of those days. We were stopping at yellow lights. You know those people, you stop at yellow, they're taking like stopping at yellow, really cock sucka with a BMW. You're stopping at yellow. Why are you doing this to me? Why did you buy this fucking car? Why today again? I'm trying to fucking do things that I get behind, you know, a fucking, you know, $200,000, $300,000 car, and then doing the speed limit. About a week ago, I got behind one of those Tesla roses, fucking nine north. This motherfucker was doing below the speed limit.

Oh, no. He wouldn't let me around the man in a brand new tester And I'm like, why are you being such a fucking douchebag? And I finally got around them. You know me dog You either let me go. I'm gonna smash into that fucking testerosa And I got guys go I heard my fucking feeling I Got what are you gonna hit me about now? No, I'm not gonna hear from you right now, I'm busy. I'm busy, I'm doing a fucking podcast.

Anyway, what's up, Luke? Oh, sorry. Yeah, well, he said you had a really great time. So Friday night, I'm fucking, my wife, she calls me, but I just got back, I go, you know what? Let me wash my monkey. Let me take a shower, change clothes, my fucking, I've been driving for two hours.

I got, I took a shower after jujitsu, now I'm fresh again, and again, I gotta take a wash, my mom always raining. That's what it was. And I'm like, fuck, I took a shower when I was sitting here and also my brother called me the crazy guy, the fish guy, right? I love him to death. I've been here for three years, but our schedules just don't fucking match up. He has to go to work. He gets up at fucking three in the morning. He's in this truck at four

He's in his truck at four to head to fucking Brooklyn to get fish at the fish line I Would fucking shoot myself and trust me. There's a lot of nights where I've got at the piss of three in the morning And I go fuck I go meet my brother Chris and take a ride get some fucking clams and cost and shit like this, right? so Something I don't know if he called me or I called him. He was at this bar where a girl that we went to high school works. She runs the bar. So he's like, come over.

They have what you like. They have this escrow and beans. I'm like, all right, beautiful. So I fucking drive. It's like a 30-fucking-minute drive. I thought it was 10 minutes away. It was raining. It was dark.

There's fucking curves. There's deer. You know, it's fucking deer season. There's little deer's everywhere. Everywhere. You think it's, I mean, tiny ones. They have babies. And if you know they're around, the parents are around. So you might hit one of them, well, they might run into you. So you've got a fucking drive with caution. You know know so I had already popped a couple mushroom chocolates so I was out there fucking in the car listen to fucking the song remains the same I was rocking in that motherfucker listening to uh no quarter whole lot of love it was tremendous I was seeing lights and shit I'm like wow this is tremendous And I went to where he was at. He was, he had been there since one of the afternoon, pounding doubles like a savage that he is.

65 years old, God bless him and his nose was leaking. That's why I love him. He never gave up. I'm a pussy. He never gave up. He went straight for the jackpot. 60 fucking five. And he's still fucking does it all weekend

till Sunday morning and Monday. He's delivering fish running his own business like a soldier. He only works three days a week. He works Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays. That's it. Friday, he gets off at 11 in the morning. He's done by 11. It's his own business.

He does what the fuck he wants. He already has his customers. He's had him for 40 fucking years. So, 1980. He knows a lot about fish. So, he invites me over there. I go over, he's fucking shit faced. Right. And he is hysterical. Last time I saw him, I drove into a funeral. My friend's mother died and we both grew up with her. And I said the only way I'll go is if I drive with somebody because I was getting the dizzy spells. Okay. Alright, from my ears.

And fucking I drove to the funeral. Before the funeral, we went to eat at Rudy's. Alright, now I got a bowl of soup, I got a salad, you know, maybe a dozen clams, a half water, a kind of mom, whatever with the medium sauce, he's got a drink and doubles before this fucking week. So by the time we fucking get up to leave, I don't have to tell you, and he's hilarious, he just said shit And if there's powder he goes off to fucking rail 64 years old at the time

So well, we're already leaving Ruins. It's 2 in the afternoon. I want to get there the wake opened up at like one or two Like a 210 to 15 and be out there by 315 to beat the traffic going south. He lives to block from me, right? So By the time we get to the wake he's fucked up Right, so I brought like edible with me and when I went to the bar with him Some guy recognized me and he came up to me. We started talking and this guy had some great edibles And we started trading. He was at Ruudens And we started trading little fucking edibles and he gave me a 50 and like a 10 and like a 15

Right So you know what's coming? I just love that it's an awake too. I had already fucking bombarded myself with all the edibles I brought the guy gave me except for those last three. But he was there when the guy gave me to me, right? So boom, you know, he's at the wake. He's already going off on the communist, you know, who's John F. Kennedy. He asked me, I have a friend that doesn't have a stomach. Right? of Kennedy, he asked me, I have a friend that doesn't have a stomach, right? What? And he owns a restaurant hysterically.

He's on the restaurant for fucking 80 years. He doesn't have a stomach. He's got a funny name. I don't want to fucking out of money. Well, a bunch of us know him and my friend's ex-husband, we want to talk. And he goes, he's starting to look like that guy. I'm out of the stomach. And he goes, oh all fucking kick in here

Right in the wake of his classic and also my friend looked at me It's just like a time to think I'm home. So we get the car. He's lit He's got white in him. He's got fucking 12 drinks. He's talking nonsense We got in the turn and he goes hey, I know that guy gave me those syllables. Give me the 10. So I dropped the 50 on them. Right? I dropped the 50 on them as we asked. It's Tuesday like, I hit the, ooh, that's tremendous. I hit the roof, that's tremendous. Oh, the 50. I hit them with a 50.

By the time we were on Route 3, right? By the time we hit the parkway, he's fucking in the car. There's two beers and he's got two waters. I took two waters and the weight, they were on the table. And I kept one, I put one in the middle of the case, he wasn't. You know, I'm taking little cips the other bulls Hit me. I'm trying to ignore that he ate the 50 Like already see that it's fucking rocking his world. He's thinking about his family and where he went wrong and

What color the fish should be I mean this guy is a riot. I can't take him out in public You cannot take him out in public. You cannot take him out in public. And you're saying that? I take him out because I got to be honest with you, it's entertainment. I love this family growing up. I grew up in this fucking house. You know, how can I fucking kick him in the stomach? Everybody died. I'm all he's got left from the old days. So I thought it would be nice. I go into this place, he's hammered, he comes over, he kisses me 10 times. I'm so happy you came, motherfucker.

I love you, you know, over and over. But again, I've heard it for 50 fucking years, you know? I knew since 51st Street, I'm in this family. We went up to 85th Street, I've heard it for 50 fucking years, you know? I knew him since 51st Street him and his family. We went up to 85th Street, I was always in that house. In fact, I lived with them before I was homeless and 80 fucking three. I mean, you know, I know these motherfuckers. So I sat there with him for two hours

and just I drank water with lemon and watch Houston, make a comeback and I didn't hear anything, but he asked me to take something home That he wanted me to eat I'd already eaten here. I had something that was my wife had made But those fucking two three hours like I got there at 7 30 and by 9 I was taking them home and He was fucked up, but hold on the day he ate the edible With driving he's I can, he's already looked around. Spect what's going on.

And he's asking me all these questions about like, and I just ignore him. And he'll keep talking. He'll just keep talking. Spect, ha ha, she's like my back. I'm gonna break him out. And then he'll say something else to me. His wife don't even want him around.

Like, he goes here, answer the phone, it's Jody, his girlfriend. I looked at the messages they were all from her. You're not coming home tonight. You're gonna sleep in the truck, fuck you. You're supposed to get me cigarettes and come back. It's 9 o'clock at night. You would come back at 1.30. He's a riot. Listen, when people say to you, oh, I did this, I partied out. Listen, if you met this guy at his age, I don't care how old you are. This guy shamed you. He doesn't do it coast to coast. Okay. I mean, got to control other fucking Catholic. Okay. That means Sunday at lunchtime, he cuts it off, whether he's snorting coke, whether he's smoking it, whatever the

fuck he's doing, he cuts it off and he sleeps, he's got Monday off. So Monday about 6, he comes back to life, he cooks, takes a shower, and he's normal, and he'll ask me questions when I say to you, and he has a, that's what I spend spend like he's fucking, but again, I, you know, when you, you don't walk away from somebody, I get him. And I know I'm the last person that he's got. So, you know, we said goodbye. He was tortured in some woman. He was tortured in some fucking guy, you know, but again, they know him and he's been going in the after 10 years Find everybody drinks they threw him out of whether we got the pot row sandwiches It's a little mouth into a mod he's 86

I even asked that just anything we could do to bring him back and they're like listen He comes in here the Friday He fucking spends a lot of money, but next thing, you know, you sit on some woman's live breathing. No, no, no, no. You can't have that. You can't have that. You can't have that. You can't have that. Look at this thing, what do you do to get kicked out of a pot roast place, but... Oh my god, it's like that.

And then, my took you there, and then, we're not going there. For a pot roast sandwich, you put a horse radish on it, we're going to pay. I think so. Smoke and jack. Next time you come down, that's what we'll go. No names. The brass rail. It's great. I love the fuck. Best fucking prime rib I've ever had. I was there about two Saturdays ago. I hadn't been there for like a year. You know, how much do I eat prime rib?

Not longer. Right. Never. It's not like but every once in a while you're like, you know what? The weather's starting to toughen up a little bit. It's time you a little fucking private You got a little like do once a year guys don't worry about me. I mean, I don't people eat and fucking me every fucking hour And they're like I'm healthy. Okay, check back with me in 10 years when you fucking veins are coming out of your balls It's shit. You look like a fucks and stuff or the cow things you did You don't know what you put in your mouth today. No. Oh, it's, I saw a video. I don't care what supermarket you're going to let your body on the farm and you know the fucking dude. You don't know what you put in your mouth. You come to terms with that. You every time you get a piece

of me, you pray for the best. I'm gone to it, like gotten it delivered from the farm, do they have that in Jersey? They have it up here, it's great. You know, I'd like to just, I'd like to get like a brochure, like a fuck, you know, I'm an old man, I'd like to get like a website and maybe visit it, you know, they want to sell me the cow and cut it up and funnel it to me throughout the year.

Make me, I know, my brother know my brother law is part of his service that you pay them in January and they give you the whole fucking thing, but they give you like 17 pounds of hamburger meat in hamburger patties. 10 more loose if you want to make spaghetti sauce, ribs, whatever the cow has, whatever the cow has, or the pig, that's what you fucking get. But they cut it up nice fear. If you want it, they'll send it out quarterly to you. And if you don't, you can pick it up in one shot,

whatever the fuck, it's like that thing that they use to sponsor us. Blue apron. No, not that fucking thing, the other one. The meat company, when they first came in. Oh, butcher box. butcher box, bro, butcher box is not a bad service at all. No.

That's me, I'm just telling you people, I have a friend around the corner, Steve. Steve always has primo meat. I don't know what he's described to this, that, they send them wings, they send them, usually the wings they send you, they know HIV, California wings. Those are real fucking chicken wings. 100% DA steroid chickens. You either pound those

things within 10 years, you'll be growing something, something, a lump out of your neck, out of your eye, those wings ain't just good. They're fucking coming back somewhere. Trust me, I eat those motherfuckers too if I'm up in Buffalo. You know that? I can't stare either. You know that?

Good. That's fucking really good. And then you make me hungry motherfuckin' Oh yeah. That one's gonna more forward this year. You know me, I'm dehydrated. I popped you.

I only popped three, but it's time to maybe pop six. What do you think? It's not right. I only got a couple of earrings tomorrow. The mom's a light day. Wednesday. I got the book signing. That's gonna be fun. Those are really fun. Listen, I want people to know this opinion I got. I just got a fucking whatever I'm not dumb it's October 20 fucking for Today the actress union is supposed to know the actors union Where would a fuck this found it? You know for some reason honest to godly I get 10 of these emails every week And some of them are actors some of them are fucking people who just want to know the truth I don't know what that fucking fightin' for. I don't know what I don't want out of facial intelligence.

Listen, here's where I'm not trying to be selfish. I look at out of facial intelligence. I ain't no one even ain't no AI on me. You can't turn me into Elvis on a good day no matter what you do, AI, AI, fuck you. Whatever the fuck you wanna do. I'm still Uncle Joey. You want to fuck use my, ah, you know what? I guess it's gonna ruin the future.

You know, I guess it's supposed to fuck with the act of salary guys. We chose, you chose a business not that everybody wants to do. It takes a lot to do that business. And at one point, you have to see where you really are Maybe if you want to act there's always theater in New York City There's always a local theater in Pittsburgh. I know there's got to be something going on and what's that? That's a big theater town

Huge so it doesn't bother you to like think about like that like putting in movies or like stuff like that You know, you cannot be stupid. That's where it's going anyway. Right. And that you're battling that, but these people holding on to that is what I'm saying. They're not just gonna, they're gonna leave a clause in there and experiment.

And the mean times you're gonna get fucked from a different direction. Dale already got attorneys trying to figure out the next move. Right. That's what they do, you know. they won't give up that move until they have something down the pipe. That the fucking Martian's brought them. And now they don't have it. So they have, it's crazy. It's crazy where your at my heart goes out to people that are just actors. This is fucking a hundred something days. This is a couple of fucking months.

Right now, we're a month away from meeting Turkey and thanking God for the year we had. What about these fucking people? I did my best, they wrote me a little fucking thing and a ham thing and I donated to the ham thing, used to record those embaloles away. But this year, dog, I know what you're going on right now. I don't know how much of that money they'll get, you know, but at least you feel good about yourself. You know?

Right. Now, but you have that, I mean, it must be crazy, like, to like, because then, if it's serious, like, let's say like you were a union actor and like someone was trying to bypass the strike and you did it Would you like it bar from ever act like with that be like a big D. I'm imagining it be a Here's how I look at I saw people doing the strike early on That already had the sacking on the face they were, you know, but to be honest, you mean while they're cooking on a fucking a plan to go back to work with one

of those vouchers or whatever they're talking about. And two people did reach out to me and I was shocked at one person did. I don't know them personally. They just said, if I be interested to shoot this thing, it's not a union, but I'm like, I'm a felling. Okay. I'm a fucking, I try to be the best American I can. I don't hit a squirrel on this street. You know, I don't live in. I piss on the street from time to time. 60. Sometimes I gotta when I got to go. I even have a bottle in my car. I try real hard. If I want to piss out on the street, I try to piss.

And me, I'll take it to listen. I'll take my own piss to a 7-Eleven and dump it in the garbage. But I won't take it. I won't pick up dog poo and walk at home like those fucking dudes and talk to the eye. I won't talk to you. You're going to piss.

You don't say any. You're the kisser debt right now. I'm trying to bet fucking something in the world series. You're walking up to me a little bag of shoes with a smile on your face. If I had a walk around with a bag of shit, I wouldn't have no smile on my face. I'd be looking at that dog like, wait, this is life. This is life. I got to walk out here six thirty in the morning for you to take a shit that looks bigger than mine And if you have a Chihuahua one of those little lap dogs give a smell their little dynamite It's a little fucking who got species shit this big inch

It looks like one of those milky duds whatever they call them does Oh, I can every one of those again Milky dog, what I'm saying? Some of those dogs smell like fucking death. They smell like death. I love my cats, but it went so well. That little devil misses the fucking litter box. You walk out with a fog of death.

You understand me? You know, I'd take the litter box out, hit it with gas, clean, light it up. I'm fine. You know, it's a fucking stink that Henry hell couldn't even take out of his truck. It was that bad, Henry, ooh, what's that smell? I hit a skunk, tell you it. You had a fucking goddamn trick in your truck.

This is why you fucking little, I don't even eat addibles during the week no more. Is it you? Listen, if I eat like Friday night and 100 milligrams, that's a plate date. That's me showing up and going, Hey, how you doing? Pail.

And next, you know, where he got walking the bathroom. No, he didn't. He's on his bicycle, headed down the Fairfax to that fucking brolet show. He's fucking going, who shot that dog? You know what I'm saying? Fwa, fwaggle. Look at you with that beard. What are you talking about? You gotta share every time you

go back, I think Ali Bob is coming. Hey, I want to remind you guys this episode of the check it is brought to you by better help. Listen, things are stressful this episode of the check-in is brought to you by Better Health. Listen, things are stressful this time of the year. We've been living through a global pandemic. People are losing jobs left and right. I know how it feels sometimes. Sometimes it's too much. You just want to talk with somebody.

Boom, there you go. Better health is there. What's better help, Joey? It's designed to work with your busy schedule Just fill out the quick survey get matched with a license therapist and be on your way to better mental health Listen, I moved I had some issues. I Didn't know what I wanted to do a direction. I want to do it better Help put me on the right path and let you get in touch with a therapist who zoom calls on the phone By message face that listen whatever works for you. All right, if you don't mesh with the first therapist

No problem. We'll switch at any time for no additional charge no questions at so do me a favor right now Listen a lot of things are going on. Make your brain, your friend with better health, B-E-T-D-E-R, help H-L-P, one word, visit betterhelp.com slash D-S-D-I-A-Z and visit them today. Listen, one Uncle Joey's throwing in. I'm going to get the 10% off your first month. And guess what, you're gonna love better health. That's better health, H-E-L-P dot com slash Diaz. Thank you for listening. Oh my God.

Jesus Christ, you have a mushroom shrimp for it. You remember? Yeah, because anyway, I was telling you about my brother, Chris, so I was driving him home and on the way home, you know, he was like, hey, I Don't care. Everybody. He's me talking about him. Everybody knows how much I love this shit But on the way home, I realized why I picked him up because he was like abstract walking about, you know, yeah, I went to this fucking Gangbang and 82 everybody was doing you know I don't know what he's talking about he talks about the 10th mafia families

Like I said, I just put the music on high But to get back to the story on the way home that time with the adibles by the time we hit the parkway He was acting weird and he started looking around the car, right? I didn't know what he was looking for. He was looking for the bottled water that he stole from Rudy's an hour before on a wake and we left a wake. I'm sorry. Lee right in front of me. I'm already kicking with the animals. I just want to get them out of the car but I love them. Okay, I'm not going to kick them out. This is anybody else. I pull over and just I Know this guy a long time

So he's looking at me all creepy and also he sees where the water is in he gets the water Lee he opens up the bottle and he just pours it all And his shirt is wet and I'm fucking dying, right? So I drop him off. I gave him like a 50 and then I gave him a, he goes, what's that in there? I go just 10, he goes, give me the 10. So I gave him 60.

I gave him 60 milligrams. I drop him off. I forget all about it, right? He already put the water on himself. I gave him a, ha ha ha ha ha. I wanted to do that before. I gave him a paper towel. I took him home. Now this guy goes to bed at nine o'clock at night.

Right? Not even. Not even. He cooks each dinner and he's fucking nappy new little time by fucking eight thirty. Like right now if I call him, he's out. I get a call from him like at 10 o'clock. And he's like, Jesus fucking Christ. What was in those things? I just ate an apple pie and a fucking turkey. I can't stop eating.

And I go, it's gonna be all right. He goes, I don't know, when he hangs up. And next morning he calls me again. He's like, I can't go to work because of you. I'm still fucked up. What was in there? I want to buy more. He's telling me all this shit.

Well, anyway. Friday I took him home. I go back a long time. And how were you all meant? Because he had a family. He had two other brothers. One of them being the notorious bonehead Rest and peace

I know what he went through a bonehead. I know he went through with me and bonehead I know he went through me bonehead and Kirk So both of them are gone now rest and peace the mom is gone now. It was like my mom She's gone now saw the way home at is gone now who was like my mom. She's gone now, saw the way home. At one point he's like, I missed my brothers. Thank you for showing up. You're my fucking brother. I gave him a kiss.

We pulled him in front of the house. He was talking about some Japanese restaurant and he goes, hold on, I got something for you. He gave me a five pound bag of fucking clams that are beautiful. Oh nice. He gave me a bag of these fucking shrimp. Remember the time I almost choked at that hotel? Yeah. Vegas with the big shrimp. Yeah, I fucking had to do the highlight. Josh John Salami was there. Yeah. He's from the fucking bigger. Wow. He's from cocktail. She made three shrimp. We had a split up. How big I love fucking

shrimp. Oh, he had me tell. With some three shrimp. We had a split up. How big, I love fucking shrimp. Oh, you have me tell. With some fucking horse radish and that motherfucker and that cocktail sauce, you know, and he gave me something else. Crab. So that's why my wife, he takes today, yeah.

And then I call them, you okay? He don't remember nothing How did you pick me up what time did you get there? How much did I spend? You know, he's he's the best. He's the fucking best guys. He's like still at it I'm not talking about concerts or jumping up and down or being on a yacht This guy owns a fucking successful fucking fish company. He works as on hours. And he fucking, you know, he's a guy from the neighborhood. Got a house, fucking gorgeous, a pool in the backyard. This is the reason I moved down here because when I used to come visit him

in 99, 98, I used to come to this area and go holy shit. You're fucking 45 minutes away from this city. That changed. It's 55 from fucking where we grew up now. And then another, you got to add another 15, another hour of fucking 20 to the drive over the fucking bridge. And so it's, it's things. I got comedy. Okay. But the first thing I thought we'd talk about that was great. If you go to my old podcast, which I fucking hated the joint, I didn't do an episode about comics. Not, this is the year of fucking, this is before any of the movies were released. I was really upset because comics don't do TV like they used to. You know, when I was a kid, I grew up watching comics,

which was a rare hope for a guy like me going, wow, someday, not me. But maybe I'll do four episodes of the show. Right. When I just tap out, I'm good to go. I was on the show, everybody wants me to jump up and down and hang out with KISS.

It's not what I wanna do. What are we talking about? I don't know. He said something he wanted to talk about comedy. There used to be, the comedy on TV. I thought a new Bill Burr movie, old film. Yeah, I want to see that. You got destroyed, but I didn't give a fuck.

I'm going to give Bill Burr a chance. I fucking enjoyed it. The same way I enjoy Bill Burr's comedy. Listen, there's a gift to do comedy. Then there's a gift to bring your comedy to the stage. I always love the king. That's Tim Allen. Tim Allen always brought his comedy to the stage. I don't know how much of fucking fucking hours special, it was show time, maybe another 20 minutes. He did it perfectly.

When you watch this Bill Burm movie, I enjoyed it. I watched one time by myself the first time, right when it came out, the afternoon it was raining, and then the next night me and my wife watched it again. I do, I watch anything bills and accept a Mandalorian. I don't like start track. I was in a clock and then, you know, anything. He said the one with whatever, from drab day,

I don't know the name of the movie, the guy from fucking Montana, the show Montana. Oh, Yellowstone. He did a movie with him. I love Bill. Montana the show Montana with oh Yellowstone He did a movie with him. I love Bill. I love Bill. Anything I'm a Bill guy when Bill comes to town my wife and me go and I'd rather sit in the fucking audience and watch it so I see Him I could sit through for some reason. Yeah, the power with 20 comics. That's too much Uncle Joey

It's loud in there. People are dancing, you know, looks like fun for me if I was 20 years ago, but 20 years ago, I will walk on that stage and be all fucking have just up in the night before I would fall apart like fucking velvet revolve and full of pieces. Anyway, who gives a fuck about that? How's the kind of roll of cock sucka? It's going pretty well.

I just feel so people went out to see you. I want to thank them for going out and supporting Lisa Yatt. Oh, thank you. This is not Madison Square Garden. These are in Studio 54. These are open mics in Boston. And you guys go out there that means the world to me when he calls me at night I wish I could I knew the technology that they have him you have to hear his voice You know, you could do better for him is looking at his balls or maybe

a couple of dumplings Chinese style. I mean he sounds so happy When he says to me, dog and people came out from the jacket. And I'm like, wow, I've been gauging this just to see. And I've been right. Listen, you don't want 200 people there. Right. But, you know, your mom's busy.

Your brother's doing jumping jacks. I'm over here. Ain't nobody going to open mics for you. And one of the best thing about open mics is taking a friend to watch you bomb. Ooh, you have to drive your home in the car. You have to start doing that. Somebody likes you, come on, come watch me doing open mics.

Yeah, I'm funny, I'm thinking of doing a tour with fucking Jackie Gleason. Tell him something, just to get him to your show and take a call with him. That's a complete different type of confidence that you gain that. What a loved one goes with you and you eat a bag of dicks. Not your girlfriend. Somebody you work with, an uncle that you like, you take him for a steak and then make him sit through 10 minutes of your shit,

had an open mic, surrounded with people at license, people with mental problems is shit. Those are people who love you, Doug. And when you bomb, it's a really weird talk. It's a weird talk for them. And you wanna be honest with them, so you don't tell them,

what do you think I'm about to date with your pal? You know who the fuck you are. Well, that's great. I've had people come out and I bomb, then they don't want to talk to me after they talk to me before but not after. But I can't imagine being stuck in the car with them on the way home. Can you imagine like you're the able, now let me go down with you. Yeah, I went there years ago.

Now it's fucking completely different to joy. You know, he walks in there with you. And the next thing you know, you're on stage and it's an open mic. And they mind, I don't know where they're going and what they expect to see. But by you going there, your percentages are bombing, if they have music, who goes in front of you? Got what are you? Cala, Lely? Hold on one second. Anybody got a gun? Let me shoot myself. Let me just think that's the open mic headlight. Put a hat out and give put a dollar in there. I send it to my wife and my kids.

I don't I don't I'd rather not follow a guy with a ukulele. I've never had to do the home my god. I came at like it is crazy. I have been a couple people who come out to shows, but that happened like a couple people who came to the open mics, which we really appreciate, but it's, I wouldn't, I thought, like my mom used to go with them. And let them know, bro, there's no, like, Rogan has an old joke.

There's nothing like your mom watching your mom. You know what I'm saying? Oh, and that's what happened. I'm catching you suckin' a dick in the closet. I'm faggot. When Joe used to do that joke, people would just die like a either. Wait a second, my mother caught me suckin' a dick one time or... It's Christ, why you gotta put your mother into this? People get offended. Oh.

About the comics, Dad, that's a funny joke. Besides, how is the comedy you feel going for you? You know what I feel like I got. We want to feel what you're going through. Yeah, to be honest, I went through like a really good period and I haven't bombed like I bombed like hard before. I haven't like bombed,

but the last couple haven't been like, I haven't felt like I've done the best. And then like the last one was really fun, but I didn't, I didn't know if I was hosting or not, and then I hosted, and I just had, it's a completely different, like the guy who hosts at the club in Foxboro is like a great, like a ton of of energy get the crowd into it and I didn't do I didn't really do that and I had an okay scent, but they just I felt like I didn't do my like do the right thing in the house. So it's kind of bummed out about it for a couple days But overall it's been pretty good. It's just like the last couple shows have not been my favorite. I always I Don't know where I'm wearing, you know, I don't know what in where somewhere I got asked to host

one night. It started somewhere in the Seattle area and I hated bag of dick. I went home I was cracked because other people were there. Maybe the club owner auditioned me, maybe it was a booker. It was something like that. It wasn't a live a die situation. It was something like that. It wasn't a live-a-die situation. It was a job I wanted and I ate a bag of dick and they called me back and I hosted and

I fucking died. You know? And I didn't blame it on the audience, I didn't blame it on her. She called me years later. I just wasn't ready to host. I was a midlife feature. I was starting to blossom from 20 minutes and she asked me to host for 10 minutes. It was the most awkward dinner I ever did. And then, you know, that's why I work in at a commercial club. It pains my heart

what they make the MC go up to and do. He does three minutes and then this guy's coming this guy and they make you do the whole lineup with a whole fucking year. Listen, what the guy do is flow. This is a comedy club. They didn't come here to hear. They got three drinks of them. It's October. They're like, no, forget December 8th. It's the funny things I had. Come on. It's Friday, we got this much attention. This poor MC is going up there to basically be a fucking billboard. Right.

So he doesn't really know, but he's learning that if he does it, he does 50%. They don't give a fuck because they know that's torture. And they want somebody in there that'll go, I'll do it it you know and then also I'm you show up to that now you're doing eight weeks as an MC and at the end of those eight weeks you'll go wait a second I learned a different muscle yeah and you learn the muscle of control you learn how to go a about around the applause Lisa I had to wait in the back, but hold on. Then I talked to you, motherfuckers about the time

I got nasal spray and it was like, oh, boom, now you have a closure. You have a three minute closure, you went strong and you don't go up there and go, all right, real quick, I'm gonna shout out to the wave staff, give them two drinks, listen, you wanna come back to the club, you gotta give the wave staff a lot two drinks. Listen. You want to come back to the club? You got to give the wait staff a lot of love if you sound like a fucking robot as an MC they ain't making no money

Right is beg for them. Yeah, don't Don't forget to tip the host How about giving them around to applause and that said no how about around the applause the MCs for the waitresses the wait staff the people in the kitchen and don't forget the tip It's Tuesday night everybody wants a little nookie cookie on a Tuesday night You know and then there's two waitresses up front put a name to them Right you want now instead of having two people go They don't like you're gonna have one person go. I didn't like is that you're gonna have sister wait go, I didn't like it. Zack, you're gonna have sister Rachel's go,

I don't know about you, but I made a hundred hours because he said, look at this girl with the earrings. She needs money for her kid. It's a fucking, if you go up then go, give her money, I wanna take her home later, you're just being a fucking idiot. Right. You know her name, before you go up there,

and don't go for the hardest check and try to fucking be Johnny Swatvin. Go for the fucking single mom. That's got four kids at home, the grandma's watching the kids, and she's doing this, she could tell she's been there, she's a little weathered, get her name first, and then work downhill,

and pick two other ones, or pick the guys guys got purple hair boom don't go up then go look at the titties I want to fucking tip fuck I thought I saw that no oh my god fuck yeah fuck yeah I saw that does it ever work? Does it ever work? Tell it chick to def on a Thursday night when you just got to the club. I Want you to think of that perspective Unless you're fucking doing blow or doing something crazy

Why you telling the fucking waiters she got big tips for right in front of 200 people is that what you want? I'm a Leo Sayat. He's got a little dick flick. The suck is dick, I had a fucking, you know, got a toothpick, whatever the fuck. No, that's awful. Okay. I saw all those little things. There's a host, you're a positive source. You're going, you're the first motherfucker that's here. Number one, this is rough for you.

Have a little life to you. I know it's rough to just go up there. I know you got to suit with the sneakers on. Ah, that's not a host motherfucker. A host is somebody that welcomed me. Welcome to the fucking hell. Oh, I don't give a fucker. They shot the place up and there's still blood behind you.

I don't care. Even if there's still fucking blood behind you and there's fly. You ever get to a comedy club and there's blood outside with candles? You know, you ain't a comic unless you did that shit. The door guys checking for ID's. There's a fucking candle spot. I don't know. You talk to George Perez.

We all had a club. In fact, I told you a couple weeks ago, I bumped into my friend's wife. She just got a jail after doing 90 days. And she still had the bracelet on her. She was in there for a comedy night. This was a buck wild fucking comedy club. Come on, come on. She's just Christ.

I also want to see the Daneiro movie with whatever. With... He said that was good. I also went to see the Daneiro movie with whatever, with ACID on me. It was 30 minutes, 45 minutes long for a lot of people don't like that. Anytime you talk to me about Indians, I fucking love it, okay? Whether they killed your uncle or you killed them, I wanna hear the saga.

I don't wanna just see a fucking bunch of savage you shoot each other. That's why I really enjoy the outlaw, Josie Wells. I love Clint Eastwood, but I love those fucking Indians and how they portrayed themselves as savages. No, I haven't seen that in a long time. I have to go watch that again. I was thinking that was something I was thinking about.

It's time for you to take the top cock suckers and get the training. I don't see you You know and every week I check on you Well, I had a good church at the drive home. Yeah, that's it enough You're 32 years old. What other fuck you are all good, you know me 35 All right, then get it together. You should be but yeah, I had to drive home from the show. I still took 60 million Listen, you know, they don't know what

You see numbers The percentages are getting low. Your numbers are getting low. Anyway, I got a book signing tomorrow night. It's going to be great. I got a lot of fucking family people. A lot of North Bergen people coming down. So thank you for coming down. Don't forget purchase is required. We're going to have a lot of savages there with stories. Remember you stole my crabs one time. I don't want to hear these shit

guys. What do you got going on this week, Tarzan? Same night. Wednesday night off the rails in Worcester 8 o'clock. I have a fun show. A bunch of great comics from the Worcester and Massachusetts area. I'm doing like 30 minutes. I'm really excited. Alright, well I want to thank you guys. I want to thank Draft Kings and Better Health and now for a word for my sponsor. Babel, listen, it's a new year. I know who cares, but you can make a resolution whenever you want. This fall, instead of jumping up and down with your friends on Sundays, ha ha ha! Try learning a new language. They have quick take-minute lessons so you won't get bored. You'll be able to start speaking a new language in his little history weeks. So you can sound smart at the Christmas party.

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I know like any languages. All right. I used to be a Cuban-Jayman's butt. Anyway. slash Joey, I've been telling people for years, you got to learn two or three languages. I know like any languages, alright, I used to be a Cuban James Bond. Anyway!