Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Episode #9 - Joey Diaz went DEEP on the Lord's Day

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt about making the decision to talk to his daughter about something very important, Joey's advice for staying calm when you eat a lot edibles and his addiction to comedy during his early days at The Comedy Store.   This show is supported by: Support the show and download the DraftKings Sportsbook app. Bet $5 on any game this week to score $200 instantly in bonus bets with code JOEY.   Support the show and get 10% off your order at https://www.thefreezepipe.com and use code DIAZ   Support the show & try Blue Chew for free when you pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com & use code JOEY    

Right away you want to open up with something ridiculous, you know. You want to turn the faint. Listen, we got on here. We got on graveyard. We're good. Are you calling someone? Hi honey. Everything good.

All right, I'm going deep in the murky water. So. All right. Is it cold out there? Is it cold out there? No, it isn't. It isn't. It's cold out here.

We did really. We're't being cold out here. We did really, we're doing well. All right, and my bitch is there. Your main bitch, Jay, he's here. All right, send him my love. Bye. That's it. Let's take Todd.

Robert Thott was hallucinating. Because he sent him putting putting it on airplane mode and then a phone started ringing. No, no, no, no, I called my wife just before I put on that plane mode. You know, I'm a professional. Oh, I figured it out. I figured it out. I know you. Every, every week you call me and half an hour earlier, I have to take it the edible. Pretty soon it's going to be nine in the morning, taking the, like, this week was fast. I had a rough morning. So I had to come home and take a nap before the add up. I got up. I washed my muffler. I made a protein shake and I threw three of them down. And I just threw another one down with a

fucking snap of iced tea. That's it. I haven't had dinner yet, so it's perfect. When I get out of here, I have a little fucking something, something, you know what I'm saying? That's the best part, I loved, I loved doing it on an empty stomach. And then, and then like, it's a great dinner. Like, I do time out at all, you probably don't. Like, you know, you're, you know what I'm saying? You're really irritating me, You know what I'm saying?

I'm like, I'm not. I think the time I believe in enough, if I told you this man, I can't eat these no more during a week. Wow. Because I know I'm myself like destroying food, like that rip in and shit, like in the morning, whether it's,

you know, fucking salad approach T. Shake whether it's sometimes I eat those honey nut girios I kill that box that little skinny fucking COVID box Big big boxes the all of sudden fucking COVID came and the box is fucking truck and something not to me Well, that's what I was talking about like I time time out my edibles to eat like I don't want it to hit after you need to train. You're like a half a bag break. Like I take it in order to eat my grams. There's no 60 milligrams in our world.

We started 200 yet. So get it together. Listen, can you can you give me like, can you give me the benefit of the doubt and tell these people when I took 60, the first time in like years as well as driving back from a show it was driving back I don't want to drive an hour on 200 where's he going? I got to go to my staff. the fuck. What's happening? You savages the check and is brought to you by free spike. Happy Halloween. Listen, stop looking like a moron when you're getting

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I think you got to be thinking. Welcome back to Sheldon! Happy Tuesday. You savages Uncle Joey here with the fucking flying Duke. Lee Syah. I shouldn't even say that because now they'll chase him in an airport. You know what I'm saying? Lee's gonna start getting chased like fucking OJ. And it's seven and through airports through airports that shit I was talking to somebody they said did you see what happened in Russia? I don't know. Anyway it's good to see everybody. What's up Lee Lee Lee? I'm doing really good I hope they're all gonna fucking chase. I can't come to this last week. Really fun. I did.

Actually, it's starting to heal, but now it's dry. So I got to put cream in my fucking ear with a cute that now the whole day it feels like this sperm in my fucking ear just go go go. So I don't know what's what. I got like Donald Thump to my left ear. Please, I got problems. 60 years old, everything starts know what's what. I don't know. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what. I don't know what's what gonna fucking happen. A pumpkin, a fucking piece of cold something, but anyway. Ugh. I'm good. But it was really, it was really good. I was really happy. I had a couple cool things happen.

But it was that this one show I did, and I did the longest I've ever done. I did like 39 minutes. And that's. Oh shit. Crazy for me, which is really cool. And everything. What do you say? You didn't call CAA?

I left a message. All right, don't call you back. But it was really cool. Like a bunch of people came out from the podcast. It was like this one guy, city walked three miles from the call. He was at like Worcester State. And it was just really cool. I offered he said

he got an Uber. I offered. But it was just really cool because I've had a bunch of like not like terrible, terrible sets, but a bunch of like stuff I wasn't super happy with and the whole I did basically every joke that I do. And I was able to like flow and it was a pretty, I, I did basically every joke that I do. And I was able to like flow. And it was a pretty, I thought I did pretty well. There was like 30 people there. It's pretty fun. It's not too last week. Let's see.

I need this number quickly. Five. This number should be a little number. You should have a little like, you know, like geeks, that little pen thing when they put their pens in there. You have to have one in your shirt with how much money you got in the bank at that time and how many did last week. And what your goal is on sets for next week. You know, your neck changes every hour on the hour. I know you got money at the dollar that was under the mattress, but you got all these investments.

So a guy like you has got to be on top of everything. So every hour you got to call the bank, Lisa at, dash 9991, give me the account number. But what's the saying? He just called last hour, listen, I'm calling every day on the hour, every fucking hour. However you want to figure it out, that's it. It's changing.

There's a war, Saudi Arabia, gasoline, you know, things that happen in fucking, you know, everywhere. I'm really sorry about, but you know what? I knew that do shot himself. I knew that dude in Maine shot himself. I told my wife and other people, they're looking for a fucking ghost, you know, he shot himself. He fucking, he ate some mushrooms

and went into the weeds and said, fuck it, it's over. Baboon. I ain't got it. I'm done. Where you gonna go? You gonna go to Canada and deal with the Mounties? You know, I think we're fuck who you are. Even Rambo got shot a few times.

This guy didn't look like Rambo. He had, you know, the shit going on. But anyway, my heart goes out to the people in New Hampshire. I don't believe the fucking house, because there's a lunatic in your fucking neighborhood. It felt like I was dirt COVID. That's what I kept thinking about.

This feels like me during COVID. I'm sitting here waiting for fucking some guy to jump through my window with a black lives matter hat on and a fucking guy ready to shoot me and shit the dead. Anyway, you can tell you. No, thank you. Oh my god, I'm fine. I can't breathe.

What's the problem? Everything, you know, it's not the problem. It was funny. It was not good. It was not good last week. My heart goes out to that. You know, there was a time when you didn't watch it like that. You don't pay a tanking to shit like that.

But now, since it's everywhere, it's all over you. You gotta fucking, you gotta read a little bit and see what's going on. I don't believe that nobody anymore. First they said he shot 40 people, then it went down to 22, then it went down to 18. And I know in the beginning, the numbers aren't accurate, but my heart goes out there.

That place don't deserve a fucking lunatic like that. No, they got those people. It's like, I was thinking about when I first went to Colorado. When I was 19, I met fucking dudes out there that eventually they were gonna shoot somebody, like with an AR there was a lot of Vietnam bets when I got to Haspen and I really thought about it after I left I really got tight with two I got tight with two Vietnam bets one in

basalt or when he lived yeah he lived in basalt close to Haspen and then when I moved to Boulder I met a guy and I was friends with him till the day I'd gotten that car and left. And he'd do, he'd like, how did they remind you of the next year? Listen, you could tell that they were a little unstable. You know, they had to go to the VA, they were on medication. Some of them had an age in orange. And they had issues. They were too young when they got shipped over there. and the Vietnam

guys really saw some fucking wild shit. You know I listened I wasn't there. I was a young kid. I was in Cuba. Yeah I wasn't there. But you know I talked to this guy a lot. And none of those Vietnam dudes I never did cocaine with. Why? it's weird and they drank, you know, they didn't do coke like that and then, and they told me about what happened, they would tell me little things, you know, you see a lot, man. That's traumatic, 18.

I don't care how they train you, you know, the mind is the mind, you know, so. It's interesting, you say it though, because my mom is still she watches the news like three times a day and it was on right before we started and the CBS news was doing a story about how like there's a statistics they see a trend of people who do mass shootings there's a trend of like a certain percentage of them have a military background and they were like it was I couldn't believe they had it on the news

because that's gonna piss off everybody. But then be, I can't imagine going through being a soldier. I can't imagine, every day, I'm amazed more people don't have panic attacks and freak out. It doesn't surprise me that people who go through that terrible shit have issues that we don't do anything about, which is crazy.

But when you see something traumatic, when you walk in New York City and some guy in a bike gets hit by a car, you giggle, you walk a little bit, he's like, oh, you know, no hell mid on. So it's not gonna be a good fucking thing. You're not gonna see that every day. Unless you're in the city every day, your percentage is a higher than when these bike guys in the city gets hit by a truck or something,

you know, it happens. But that's one day that I saw that, let's say I saw his head blow up, let's say I saw a building land on them or whatever. That's one day. And that could do a lot of damage to you. My heart was on if you ever witnessed that at any level. But to see it every day. For a year, what six months to live under that pressure, you know, and then to get out of it, it's a big, it's like you got a fucking air tank and it's filled and you're like, the flayed it and you don't know what that balloon's gonna land, you know, so.

That's a crazy way to describe, never heard it, describe like that, but it's, you know, like I said, I really was interested in those guys all three of those guys. But I became friends with I really thought the world one guy used to sleep on his house on Friday nights. And I would hang out with him. I smoked up with his wife. We'd watch movies. You know, we talk about weapons. He took me to shoot. You know. So it was always, when I skied, when I first got up there, the guy who owned the Mason company was also Vietnam back. He was like a good-looking blonde-head guy, you know,

he was all right. He was a ski champion, like he had one partner, you know. And he was back home, he was originally from the area, but he seemed normal. He was running a business, and you know, and he was back home, he was originally from the area, but he seemed normal. He was running a business, and you know, a listen, that's a good little percentage there, you know? It's great.

What else? So yeah, I wanted to speaking of news, Joe, could you pull up that clip? I saw something and I wanted to get your reaction to it Here we go. I know Because we were talking about your rules You're like you're in my head With everything but especially with food and I saw this guy

He's gonna raise your blood pressure Los Angeles you order a bagel you walk in you say hey, can I get a scoop gluten free bagel? The person behind the bars is you're like, of course, we have pizza for options today for gluten free. Of course, I can do that for you. In New York, I just walked to an ask for a scoop gluten free bagel. I just look at somebody and goes, I'm not scooping your fucking bagel bro. It's like, dude, that's how I want it. It's like, get the fuck out of here with that shit. All right. On to the next one I guess. There's nothing more.

So that's it. What do you know what a scooped bagel is? I have no fucking idea. It's when they go in like you ask them to like. Yeah. There you go. Now wife made pasta for Zool for lunch with like triple garlic and I've been farting, knocking myself out.

I must have passed out three times this afternoon from the garlic. Oh Jesus Christ. You see what I mean? I sleep at me a mask. I'm cut in. Why? I made it in just three-baths of me a mask?

Yeah, I took an nap this afternoon. So when I woke up, I'm like, what the fuck is this garlic smell in this mask? I had a soak and listerine and brush my teeth and take a shower get that garlic effect out of me. But anyway, what are you talking about garlic in? What are you a vegetarian? What else is going on in a cut sucker? Some dude who ate a scoop on a bagel? Listen man, what can I tell you? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know these people. I don't know what they're talking about a scoop of the bagel.

I'm an old man. I go get a bagel maybe once a week. Sometimes I put the hot hot panos bread on it, a little turkey, a little Swiss cheese, a tomato, stop it. That's it. So you don't ask them to scoop the inner of the bagel out like the? No, no, I never take the middle out.

If you, anybody takes the middle out, I take it out of the Italian bread, no. I never take the middle out. If you anybody takes the middle out, I take it out of Italian bread, rip it out of there, and then put a stick of butter on that motherfucker and put it down like a little super ball with the butter in the middle, and I just pop that motherfucker. That's how you eat bread, the guts. People used to tell me when I was a kid I was gonna get sick when I got older, for me and all the guts of the bread, but I don't give a fuck. This guy's not eating it, he's taking it and throwing it away. I know, what are you gonna do?

These people are mooks. Why do you bother me with these people? When I lived in LA, you've got one and say, let me get a gluten free fucking bagel. Let me tell you something, I own a place in the Bronx and you come in and ask me for a gluten free bagel, like I'm at this age,

I just got like a fucking torture chamber dust That's why because I'm gonna put everybody who fuck with me. I'll put them downstairs like Like that Hannibal what's that movie of sign up for the land for you? Tie up the chubby checks the basement and shit and give him cream to rub on him and stuff I put anybody who comes in with a goofy fucking, can I get goat's milk and the coffee, sure? I got a goat downstairs, let's go see it. You can milk it.

Hey, bring your kid to your fucked goat milk. That's what I thought. I can't stand for goat's milk. No, I had a good weekend. I did a bunch of stuff with my girlfriends kids. Like we did the pumpkin maze and carved pumpkins. That's great. Yeah.

I've never liked Halloween for the candy. I've never done the adult Halloween party thing. Do you, I can't imagine, when was the last time you dressed up. Does Mercy make you dress up? Are you fucking crazy? I don't know. I'm a party and there were three dads last night

that looked like fuck and jackwups. I just sat there going, what the fuck? Why do I do this to myself? I put on like New York cubans shirt on. That was my Halloween costume. I wanted to say it's Ruben the swinging Cuban, all right? It's for the image. That's it. But you look at the, you know me, I don't know. I have no sense of humor when it comes to that. I was never a big cop. Listen, on Halloween, you know, I did? I'm coming over. I don't know

counties. I don't want no toots heroes. I'm on a dollar bill. We're gonna have a fucking problem, right? Me and two of my buddies are coming. We need dollars. I don't want no apples. I don't want no candy. You know, but that candy comes in handy except for one night when I eat like fucking 1200 milligrams and I go upstairs and I bump into one of those candy bags and I can't. Those baby roots and the fucking every night I destroy something different. I take all the baby roots out and the next week I take out all the fuck and then the next week I take all the Swedish fish. The Reese's pumpkin's other things to get me.

Those Reese's pumpkins are fucking dangerous. You know, but now over the years, it's slowed down, but when I have edible, I can't control the sweets upstairs. My wife, we got a box of fucking chocolate from, you know, from Mercy's softball team to sell. The police kids don't know how to sell dick, okay? At that age, I would selling them, stealing them back, we selling them, fucking taking the insides out, you know.

But these kids only, I even told them, we have to take those up to a restaurant and sell them. She's like, no dad, what the fuck? These kids have no idea how to fucking sell. I've got a trust man. So what did you end up buying all the chocolate bars? Yeah, my wife hit them upstairs, but you know what I mean?

I'm fucking, you know, I'm a fat fuck. Look at this bugle on my face. I could sniff out odys that you've never seen before. So I found them and they had almond bars up there. I was eating two at a shop. I mean, like three nights I, ooh, my toe, my wife, you I get those out of the fucking house. So nothing's enough. You know I'm down there fucking light myself on fire with the bomb.

I hope there's got to be something going on. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That's you knew living in a dangerous area. Like have we told them about chocolate bread yet? But who? I don't I don't. I bought chocolate bread. I'm in the Royal Crown chocolate bread. But who I don't I don't I I'm in the Royal Crown chocolate bread holy shit And the last batch I got Was the best batch I've ever had in my life. I don't know what it was I Did I ate that whole thing in one sitting I left the elbow and I got up in the middle of night and destroyed the fucking elbow last night I told her don't bring that shit over here no more

And she's not going to listen. No, I won't trust me. I got to go. This is the season. I got to go clean now. This is the season. You fuck around now. It's January and you're fucking 60 pounds.

That's it. I will. You know where I live. Yeah. And what do they bring over in your neighborhood? What's that? What are they bring over in your neighborhood now? What do you mean what did they bring over in your neighborhood? What's that? What do they bring over in your neighborhood now? What do you mean what do they bring over?

Like, because like, you know, in LA, you got tamales. Like, what are your friends bringing your house? Do you have people do that now still? Oquito. Oquito is a Puerto Rican nutmeg, like a, whatever the fuck that was that drink that people drink with ramen egg now. Oh, okayna okay okay right okay I'm gonna base little thing with ruminant you get fucked up and I got a

bunch of Puerto Ricans at the Jiu-Jitsu school so there's two guys that sell it $10 a bottle and this is a really what it just makes it for me and I drink like one bottle with ice cubes you dope it up with some malabu or something like that it does nothing to you but at least you drink the fucking nutmeg, whatever the fuck it is. The egg nut. I like egg nut. I'm not an animal. The egg nut. I drink one six ounce glass every Christmas. And that's it. Why is that? Do you have you got it fucked up on egg nut? That's shit. Don't find your dead and buried.

You start drinking that. Listen, if you want to put weight on it, if you're a fucking skeleton, you start drinking that shit every night and lifting weights five sets of six. Squat deadlift behind the neck, front of the neck, bench press and bent over rows. That's it.

Do those basic exercises and either stake, shrimp, you know salads, apples, but at night, blast off with a fucking eggnog. You see what happens to you. You get big, man. You get big, you fucking yoke you up, like a motherfucker. Jesus.

And you used to tell me to get chocolate milk after I do the the kettlebell guy Yeah, I want to like milk just a little something because they said that at the at the end of the workout You know people drink electrolytes, but then somebody was saying that milk ain't bad So I don't listen. I'm a fat fuck. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just I had a good month working out though this month This is my best month, yeah. And this is my best month since like June.

You know, July got a little fucked up with my back and the whole long issue in August. September was halfway there, but I kept working out with weights the whole time through the except for the week I went down North Carolina and then I came back and I had to breathe my first, when I go to the gym the first 10 minutes I wanted to fucking shoot myself

Why? Because I couldn't breathe I do the bicycle for 25 minutes You know hit on the bicycle and then I'd start stretching out and then I start doing weights the first 10 minutes were brutal But I go if I could push to these 10 minutes, I'll be fine And I kept going going going, going, going. I started going back to jujitsu. And that's changed me. That's made between this jujitsu study.

You know, I got a study thing now. I'm good. I'm very happy and very good. I'm good. What's your schedule every week with it? What do you mean? Like, is it Monday? You did two Tuesdays.

Wait, it's like, what are you? What is our normal week look like? When's day off? And I stick to it. When's that get lost? I go run my big errands. I got to go to Newark. If I got to go to Union City.

If I got to go to Clearside of North Bergen. If I got to go to Fort Lee. That's what I go to Cliffside in North Bergen, if I got to go to Fort Lee, that's what I do on Wednesdays. I get the fuck outta here, so I don't go to the gym. I get tempted. Then Thursday, I'll lift this time, and then Friday, I go to Jiu-Jitsu to switch it around. And that's it.

I burn a certain amount of calories at Jiu-Jitsu on Monday, and then Friday, I do whatever the fuck needs to be done. I just stay there until I get sore. Because if I go all out on Monday, I won't make it back till like fucking Sunday and I can't have that. I have to be more consistent. So, hey man, what? I'm doing the best I can brother.

Because you have to maintain some type of schedule somewhere or you lose your fucking mind. You know, you got to maintain some schedule somewhere. And for a long time, people would call me for something and they go, all right, we have to do it at 1230. And I go, fuck, I can't go to digital now. So I stopped that, you know, whatever you could do at 1230, you could do it to 30. I'd be home by one 30, I'd wash my monkey, get a fucking protein shake, and I'd go wherever you need to meet

with 1230s out of the question. I don't do that many lunches no more. I stop that shit. So it's good, I'm very, I'm in a good fucking spot. And something else happened in my house this week. But this is going down. This has been going down for about two years, you know, but it really came to life when we moved to this house because I would keep my bond under the bar.

And I grinded it under the bar. I was hidden, but the weed is very plunging. Yes, it is. Every time people would come down, you could smell it. Sometimes I was like, you could smell it in the fucking hallway when you walk in. About three weeks ago, I took the bond

and I steamed the cleaned it with the steam and out water boiled it. Right. And I was thinking, you smoking pot in the house the whole house. Because the bond was fucking deep in THC and I steamed that mother fuck. So a couple days going to my wife in maybe two weeks, because she says to me, Joey, you know, the cops were at school. And they talked to Mercy about marijuana.

Oh, wait, specifically Mercy or just her class? No, no, no, the whole class, you know, it was like the day program of certain times, where, which I, listen, you gotta have that. I had that growing up, not but it made a difference. What? What? What?

Be honest, yeah. Not that it made a difference. I'm not proud of that, but that's the way it worked out. And I told her, you know, and then she came back and I said, so I heard they talk to you at school about drugs for me. And she's like, yeah, that marijuana. And then she just started rallying off.

Like she absorbed the whole conversation and she was talking about how this THC, you know, like little things, it does this to you, dad, it does this to you. I go, okay, about a week later, I come in and I go, she goes, dad, are we going to go eat something? I go, absolutely. And I go, go change your hair and get a jacket. and I wash my hands and we'll leave. Well, I went outside to sneak a bomb hit. And I was sitting there with the bomb in my fucking hand. And she comes with that. I'm ready.

She saw the fucking bomb guys. She saw the fuck. So I hit the bomb. I went in, I washed my hands and I made believe it didn't happen. We had a great time anyway. I didn't bring it up, but the whole night I felt weird. And I felt like, you know, I got to come clean with her at some point. I got to come clean with her about 20 things. I just had a wait for her to understand, you know. she's still too young for a lot of things. So she saw the bomb and we pushed her foot around and then one night she comes into the office when I moved it and my grind that was on the table and the lid had fallen off and she looked at it

and looked. So now I gotta say something to her. So I didn't say nothing to my wife. I waited a couple days and she came downstairs to do something I called her over and I go, pull up a chair. I gotta tell you a fucking story. Who shot that? Who shot that? And,

and you know, I go listen when I was 13, I was raised this particular way. I knew what drugs were and I knew the evils of them. But one day, Mercy, I just couldn't take it. And I didn't like alcohol and my friends were smoking pot. And it made me feel terrible. I took that fucking joint, I took a hit off it, and I go, my world changed, Merce. I go, I didn't have anxiety no more. But I was very ashamed of it for two or three years. For two or three years, I was very ashamed to smoke and pot. I did it with certain people.

I put Kelona and I gargled with fucking, Mr. Reen, a little bottle, struggled with fucking, listerine, a little bottle, benaca, I did the whole thing. And then my mother died, I didn't give a fuck anymore. Everybody smokes pop. It wasn't a big fucking deal. So I told her the truth.

I said, I started smoking by my mom, and then I came a couple of years ago, I did this and I joined with a company, and that's what laughing gas is. Also, she sees laughing gas, and she sees sees the joint tubes and she's not stupid. She's not stupid. You know, she doesn't know what's in there, but she never really asked. Now, when I was growing up, I lived in that same predicament. I know they were doing something.

And then I found out what people were doing and then when people would talk about it in front of me, I had to make believe it, I didn't know what they were talking about. But in fact, I knew more about drugs than they were talking about. But I wasn't allowed to say nothing and then I always created this conflict with me, like this inner fucking conflict, you know.

I'd be a little bit more conflict because you knew it and you didn't tell your mom, like what was a conflict? The conflict was I saw people and my mother's broad doin' coke. I didn't have to hide to tell other kids. It was 1975, I was fuckin' 12. You know, I would see them put the co-crocs.

And then I would wake up in the middle of the night and they'd be in my living room putting co-crocs in their nose with the aluminum floor wide open. I would go into the living room and talk to them, but I would make believe I didn't look at the aluminum floor. At one point they stopped putting it away and at one point, you know, it was just an uncomfortable position, but I knew how to, it was,

it didn't put a, it fucked with me a little bit as a child. That, you know what I'm saying? Like I knew something that nobody else had a secret about. That here's my living room. I'm waking up in the fucking seventh grade, and my mom is cooking and there's fucking, my stepfather's watching TV and there's three gorillas drinking fucking snort and coke in my living room,

listening to Cuban music. Something may write here, you know, but it was very hard to come clean with people at that age and go, what are you talking about? I just left fucking three junkies in my living room. Right. And it's like, you're like, your living room now couldn't be more different. Like Mercy doesn't have that at all. No, so this house is peaceful. There's nobody showing up here, stabbed in the middle of the night and I gotta, you know, clean his hands with gasoline because he shot somebody and you know, my life isn't even close to that.

This is a fucked, and we watch Venom that night, you know, the cringe whatever the fuck it is, you know. I don't want that in my house, especially for her. So I fucking you know, the cringes, whatever the fuck it is, you know, I don't want that in my house, especially for her. So I fucking told her, I told her what laughing gas was. I explained to her that I made a living, that it was medical marijuana, and it helped people that we donate to a couple of fucking PTSD places, you know. And I just didn't want to live with that.

I told her, I'll say not to your mom. And I asked her mom today, but she said something to her. She goes, no, she hasn't mentioned it to me. So, it was straight. I feel a lot fucking better now. And next I got to drop another bomb on her. And then I have to drop another bomb on her because she understands, but she really doesn't.

Do you think I'd be talking to you about this 20 fucking years ago? No, what am I doing here? But I just want to let people talk. But it was a tough decision for me. It was really fucking tough. I pulled it off and I feel better for doing it. I'm not lying to it. Well, I think a lot of people, I have a, I'm not a parent, but I think a lot,

I hear a lot of parents talking about like when you make that decision to like tell someone about that. And like I think like the medicine thing is they're like, was it just the fact that she saw it? Were you just going to wait for her to see it? Like what was it? What made you make that decision? I was going to tell her eventually. If she was going to smell it like what was it? What made you make that decision? I was gonna tell her eventually. If he was gonna smell it, she's not dumb. All right, let me tell you a quick one. So this little boy that comes over here, I love what all my heart, he comes over to watch football.

He comes over, sits here, I give him a you who who wants the game that he goes home. His little sister comes over also. When that passed the joint to the mom and she left it in the car and the next day the kid came in the car and he goes, my, it smells like Joey's house in here. She told me she goes, clean up your house. So this is part of the reason to get rid of the bar. The children area now is completely fucking clean. I got the bottles outside. The children area now is completely fucking clean. I got the bottles outside. I got them locked up. So whatever bottom I want to use

I go but I broke out a new one from freeze pipe like one more thing a while ago I also fucked and rafold off two of them at the book signing in brick new jersey If you attended it was a fucking great event everybody was cool as shit My nieces came, my dear childhood friends came. Frankie, I got showed up. I almost called, maybe you jump on his podcast pretty soon. And it was just a nice night. You know, too bad I can't do. Like I'm having a hard time getting them.

When you call these places, they fucking talk to you like Jimmy Bombay so I'm done, you know, unless they come up with a new bond and no more in the area, I've called all of them. Nine and four, I called all of them, you know, man, hapen people, I come to the city, but there's another place in the city. And they said they were going to get me in there. And so, you know, I can't fight with people no more.

I'm at an age now. I don't wanna yell at agents, I need that shit. I just wanna do the podcast, work out, eat good, and be a fucking dad, and smoke reefer. I got fucked up this weekend too. How you doing? Oh, you know, I'm cool during the week. I'm very cool during the week. I'm very cool during the week.

But you know what, on Friday, it's a mill of time. So I opened up a three gram cookie from fucking Cilles. I think I had an old wall raising, bam, ate that. And then midway somewhere else, I popped another half a bar. Lord, I was on fucking fire. You understand me Friday night? I was seeing shit. I was hearing shit. And then Saturday I cooled it down a little bit because I knew Sunday was gonna be a big day. And then Sunday I actually shot a video for the

young facilities. And as I was shooting it, I was eating it. Oh damn. The shooting video I realized I had a ball. You didn't think about eating like a fake bar for the like that. You know me dog. There's no fakes in my fucking world. I can't be selling people fake. God do what you got to do. You got a fucking take one for the team. I'm gonna sell something, you're not fucking inhaling this goddamn thing. You know what I'm saying? So I went deep into the murky waters,

but the fucking jets came on. I was like fucking, you know, that's the only game that was on over here. I don't have the NFL package and I was too hard to drive to Jimmy's. Just to watch the fucking game. I was out of it. I was out of it. I was out of it.

I know I thought that giant game, I went into a fucking coma. The only thing that was keeping me alive was I put a small fucking 25 on Dallas and they were blowing out the fucking rams at home. That's the only bet I put in. That's it? I fucking went deep on the Lord's day.

So when I went into a little nap, a little fucking mushroom, whatever you call it, like a... Coma? A trance. A trance? I'm like, aim out of my wife's like, we gotta go to a Halloween party.

What do you think I did? I fucking ate another half of bar. And I went to the Halloween party and I was on fucking fire. I got home at 7.30 last night on fire. I watched two episodes of the killing. I watched something else. I didn't even eat nothing. The fucking... Jesus. Mushrooms were burning the home. My fucking heart. I loved them. For you motherfuckers, remember always some of the best

shit. Silly's. Go to fun factory farms on Instagram use my code uncle Joey Savage capitals All right, whatever what he called my case. I'll be right Actually had that you are I had that written down. What are you, because it like, I took the edible early and I started getting a little bit of like paranoia, I started getting nervous for some reason. And I was like, because you talk about like me, like you like being nervous when you're, like, what's your advice to someone to like calm it down?

Like how do you like go, like keep from losing it? Going to bat, and then cold water in your face. That's it. And if you really panic, get an ice bag and put it on your neck. And if it really goes out, we'll take that same ice bag and put it between your legs on your balls. Because that won't harm you down and jump off the building because I ain't going to get no balance.

That ice bag for the balls might set shit off also. It might hit some of the right areas and make you go fuck crazy. And next thing you know you're fucking a mule down the road. I don't know. What are you asking me? He's stupid question for. I've been the first thing I do when I got into a jam that time at the San Jose in front. Right. I can sandwich. That slows it down if you eat a lot of edibles and CBD. CBD helps? No, if you're fucking out on an edible and it's really taking you down

and your heart's beating and on your fucking whoop watch, it's like fucking 128. I can't have you call on the hospital like a half a fucking fruit cake. I can't have you, it's been shit. So what you do is you put some CBD on the tongue, just basic CBD. All CBD for it to work has to have a little bit of THC.

There's not gonna be enough in there to put your over a fucking, excuse me. Put your over, try just have one of those THC verbs from the capsule and the operation. Ooh, I love that. I love that shit. That means it blew up in your chest. Tremendous.

It's probably going into my fucking lung right now. Bukin' it, Lee. You know what I'm saying? Walk at it. The time is here. Who the fuck knows? Anyway. So yeah, that's my story and stuff.

But you're slipping lately. You're not in training. Well, I am too in time. I'm over here. No fuck. I'll knock the fort, eat silly, street days not in training. Well, I am too in dry. I'm over here. No, I'm up the fort, eating silly, three days in a row. Tomorrow, I got to get up early, go to the gym and then from there, I'm going to the red light therapy to sweat all this maluchia juice. I'm going to throw this small 20 to fucking raise it up to about 35, 40 minutes. I'm going to sit there. When I get out of there, my balls are going to be, when I go into

the fucking red light therapy at one point, like at the 28 minute mark, I just always cut my balls and it's like jelly's coming out of it. It feels like, wow, it's like this thick paste. So I don't know. What do you do with it? I drink it, what do I do with it?

Whoa, and I put the towel on top of it. What do you think I'm gonna contain it? We do? Whoa, and I put the towel on top of it. What do you think? I'm gonna contain it with fucking collagen and drink it like some fucking move the law. I don't know what you're doing. You know, you go every week and you check for it. Yeah. What you do is you go in there and you piss in a cup

when you're in there so you don't have to leave. And then you drink that in the red light therapy. I'll give you a second. There's small 25 if you do it. You know what I'm saying? You mean, you being a cup of the red light therapy? It's a joke, we, it's a tough one. When we're the last time I've been in the cup.

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And when I saw him, his head was jaded. The guy decked him and probably the skull went this way. He's all fucked up now. What are you gonna do? Anyway, what's going on with you Lee? What do you got? What are you going to do? That's the most important thing.

What's going on in your world of comedy? I told you about my world. I got nothing going on. I'm good, man. I have a show on Friday. I'm hosting. I had the next two weeks. I'm hosting at least once a week in the show's internal falls, Massachusetts at a brewery. It's going to be a long time. I'm going to take a week. During the week is open mics. well, Halloween is canceling. I'm done. I'm sorry. Go ahead. No, you got to remember, Leah, I love you to death. You're doing four to five sets a week during the week. That's big. Don't ever trip on yourself. If you don't have Friday and Saturday

work and time, you'll start getting guestsets. And when people come to the time, they're going to go call Leah. I just saw them in Milwaukee. Let them come down here and do that. And you just go down there. You're not expecting no money. You go down there, you work your magic, you work behind a different host. Maybe the guys are fucking balloon act.

You learn how to follow a fucking balloon act. I don't know, but that's how you really get in the mix. But right now you're doing the best thing in the world. Four to five sets a week that put you at 20 for the month if you do that, and you take the weekends off and play the violin. I don't give a fuck. I'll have to look back and see what I'm averaging,

but I'm trying, I'm kind of do as much as I can. So it's pretty. You go for 300 here at this level. At least. We go for 25 spots a month right now. You've been doing county for three or four years. Right now you're going now, all of those paid. If you have 25 in a month, if you start getting five, that's your goal.

And then for two months on a row, you get seven. Then the next month you go up to eight and a half. Some guy gives you a stake for dinner if you go to the open money, you know, it's just leaning it and it goes on and so forth. And next you know, you go from doing three spots so we get open mics to four or five to doing three and four at a club. Now you're doing seven spots and four of them in front of a real audience and you build until the final goal is to be on stage every night in Los Angeles. So if you get 10 years from now or eight years from now, fucking the world is yours.

You've already gone through this basic training. And that's like, it's crazy to think about, but that's like, it's honestly all I think about. And it's, um, it's hard. It was, I was kind of down on myself, honestly, for like the last week or so. I felt I was like very upset and because like, there's been a spread of, if I'm in front of like a book or someone like that It's not I don't usually do as well as I normally do no because you got nervous So I rather you take yourself away from the booker go in there But you're just telling me jokes in the green room like you used to take your mind then It's funny when the book came out I Read it immediately even though I did the audio on it.

Right. And last week, my wife wanted me to sign it for somebody. She'd want our neighbors so can you sign it. And I picked it up to sign it and it opened up to like a chapter and it was a stand-up comedy. You know, and it was that time. I forget now because I ate those fucking edibles. But it was pretty inspiring to me. I read like five or six pages and I got the tingles. Because I knew how special that time was. Now, at that time, I was making $9,000 a year.

But that's how special that time was for me. There was so much action going on. I was part of a community of comics. I was part of a club in Seattle. I was hanging with Josh Wolf. I was living with Josh Wolf. It was, you know, even though I was starving to make ends meet, it was a time that you can't replace.

It was a perfect launching for me to go to LA. And it talks a lot about Doug Stanhope helping me out on the store for me. And you know, it just brought me back. And next year, you know, I'm doing five nights a week at the fucking store, Lee. And I'm dying four out of five. I'm dying sadly in the main room.

I'm dying Thursday in the main room. I'm dying Thursday in the original room. Wednesday I'm doing, you know, I, and then I have two nights where I get lucky and I have good sets. You know, it's just, it's a rotation. Don't get down on yourself even though you are. I did, you know, I did, you know, but the thing about comedy, the thing about we teaches you to break down is comedy is a day-to-day war. It's like those kids that went to Vietnam, you're going to Vietnam for 10 years.

And your war is to get better. And it's day-to-day, you know, I was a junkie. So I know what it's like to get up in the morning, drink whatever is there, and already think about how am I going to get 25 bucks today to fucking score back. But now, you have to take that and put it to comedy. So I would wake up in the morning and that's the first thing I would call everybody was going on tonight because you don't know. Some guy would say, I got a fraternity in four columns. Do you mind if I give you a ride and do 10 minutes? No. That was part of the addiction. That was addiction that I had to have something by 12 or I was just fucking hijacking your show. I was going to an open mic, a poetry reading, I was going to, you know, whatever provided eight minutes, I was fucking up. The same way I was on block, you know, we were having a conversation the other day on

the phone about how it gets to a point where you don't want to be anywhere else, but the one comedy. Right. And that's a very hard thing to tell people especially when you have a relationship and they look at you and go what'd you just say and you're like listen you got a nice house you know you pussy smells like flowers but much rather I'd much rather be in a dingy bar and the back in a dingy bar and the back with a bunch of guys that are looking for a fucking dream. It's a pretty interesting concept when you think about it and everybody in that room has their own little dream whether you agree with them or not. Right. I just don't even have a dream. They just show up every fucking Tuesday and here you are worrying about all this stuff. Just show up. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't spend enough time just hanging out after. Like, and I, I see that it, it, it's something that like I, I think is important. Like, how much would you hang out in those days?

Every night. Every night. When I was doing open mics in the city, it was tough. Nobody wants your creepin' around like a spider. You just hopped in, I don't mind. I died, you know. The piano player was here to save the fucking walls and collapse and you know, they don't want you hanging out. So you, if you like, you did. You get one of your comedy buddies who bombed with you. You go get a slice of pizza and you try to meet up tomorrow, write a joke, maybe take an acting class, maybe go to a free, right, comedy workshop and why you, you know, there's so many things we were talking about comedy work. Comedy work is not just fucking getting on stage, guys. Not just getting on stage for the first five years. You're doing everything. In the

next couple of years, you're going to bump into people. Everybody's a fuck. I'm a producer. No, you're not. You're a muk-da-vah. Okay. You know, who's a producer? This guy, because he's done comedy. He's ate his shit. He figured out he's not a good comedian, but he's a good promoter. He's a good pro. He knows where he stands and it's a beautiful fucking thing, man. I'm so happy for you Lee in so many ways. It makes me, I see the fucking beauty. I remember some of the beauty. Not that I ever want to fucking do it again,

but it was very, very fun. I appreciate when you called me at night. And I went to an open mic. There was a guy in the back that was yelling two weeks ago, you went to when it was a tranny on stage, you know, there's always something going on. And that's the world that went open mic. It also tries to test your will for you to go, why am I done? This guy's missing a leg. I got a guy there. I got another guy playing the bongo's talking about the haste to make ends. You know, but that's what builds up. So when you get to a higher level, nothing could

fucking phase you. You can level it. You can let yourself on fire. If I'm killing, you're going to die before I, you going to go until you burn to death or you laugh to death. I don't fucking know. But it's such a, you know, I don't watch that much stand up anymore. No, no, it's kind of weird, but it's great to see like Ari, like I talk Aari a lot, you know, that's my dog. I talked to my other body sickler, Simone, we always talk about comedy, you know, and it's like I feel good now because I can talk to you people.

I'm like semi-retired, but I can consult them. And you guys know I won't take it down a dark pass because I've done it all. So I know what I'm pretty much talking about or at least I'm pretty fucking close when it comes to stand up. You know we weren't on a Hollywood's pretty boys. We just didn't walk up there and people love me right away. I had a fork for every inch and that's why it tastes so much better today. So I got to tell you this leaf you're gonna love it. Okay. So Saturday I had to go to shop right. All right. My wife wanted me to get like, Anthem and breakfast stuff, like maybe a Danish,

they were gonna go to church or something like that. So as you go about that shit, go down there. I walked in, I went to the wrong area. Like I did last time. She didn't tell me to like, I home that Anthem has got two places at shop, right? So I only went to the one place, and I had to be honest here,

I was kind of high when I went in there. And I don't know, I looked at the Anthem and Dona, it's like, she wanted a fucking cake to bring the church where they all sit around and cut the cake, not that she'd sit at, I'm just gonna leave, but you gotta show up with something. Right. So I went down there, and I didn't find that I called her up

and she could just come on, I'll go over there. So as I'm walking out, some kid goes Uncle Joey. I'm going to Joey and I go, yeah, what's up? He goes, can I take a picture here and come on, walk me to the car. He get, you know, I get my fucking number. Now, when I get in the number, I can see his little stunt.

He takes the picture and I got the whistle in my pocket. Right? So he takes the picture and goes, Uncle Joey, I got to talk to him about something. I grew up on the church. I listened to it in high school and he goes, I gotta ask you something. I'm 24, but there's a girl that wants to date me

and she's 42. She's fucking hot, but I don't know. I'm kind of scared. I go, what do you scare them? And she goes, well, I've always dated You know girls my age. I don't know what to do. What would you do? I'm embarrassed to ask my dad I go listen, bro 42 as she divorced he goes, yeah the kids like fucking ten But she goes away to the fathers on the weekends and she wants me to hook up. I go, have you shown up here?

He goes, no, I'm kind of scared. I don't know what direction to go. I go listen. I go, what nationality? I go, she's Italian and she's hot. I go, listen, you go over there and you grab those diabetic ankles. You flip around her back, you rip those panties off. You get that panty liner. You sniffed the drippings on her fucking. You never snipped the drippings. I'm gonna pick up a panty liner.

You sniff the drippings and you blow your nose and then you throw up in the air and say, with me and then eat that monkey, they go fucking bananas. They don't know what they do. He just looked at me and I blew the whistle out of it. He's walking fucking mama five. Poor bastard never heard language like that. He's like, he never heard of a pantyliner. Yeah, he just looked at me. I go rip that pantyliner out of there. you just sniff the drippings and Then you dig into that monkey like a man out of prison. You understand me. He just looked at What was he do you ever hook up with something like that old my ten years old, didn't you?

When I was 19 or 18 I had a 28-year-old girlfriend, but she didn't have a panty, she didn't have panties. Jesus. You wore panties like once in a while. What about how did you meet her? She was cut in my hair. For Beyoncé with my neighbor, I just moved to Colorado and her and her and her sister lived next door.

And they'd always come over and hang with us and cook and share food. I remember that girl. Yeah. I was young and stupid, so I would go over there and try to hit on them. And one day I just asked for the truth and she goes, when you move out, we could hook up because I don't want to sleep with my name. I go back, no worry.

So I wasn't at that fucking apartment two hours. I was already in front of a house with a fucking tuxedo on the dozen roses. And she came back to my house with fucking breachies on an apple. I had never eaten breachies before and crackers and shit. And she had a, if she wanted to sit in the middle, and I'm like, listen, I'm 18 years old.

I just wanna eat with fucking, I just wanna get the tuna up and she's like, nah, you gotta eat some apples and breach. And we laid out there for like four fucking hours and I'm a kid. I'm like, I just want to do what I got to do. I don't want to lay out here and talk about fucking, you know, yeah, possible. I can't imagine you do. Well, what would you tell you 18 year old self now?

If he was if he was telling you that, but that you would bring an apple. So you wouldn't need the brain apples now. If he was telling you that, blah. That you would bring in apples. And you wouldn't need to bring in apples now. I love breachies now. Really? Anytime I go, like, I don't buy it for the house, but if I go to an event and they got a circle of breachies, that motherfucker's going to go. I eat out of it and I grab the rest up

and put it in my pocket. I like that breachies. I eat one piece on an apple just to feel like a fucking boy's God. But that shit goes on a piece of cracker or a nice piece of Italian bread that's crispy, a little breachies, a piece of prosoot, and that motherfucker. There's a place around here that makes a turkey sandwich

with breachies. Damn. And it's pretty strong. I only had it one time, but it's part of a sandwich. It comes a certain way like we must've done stuff. My friend gave me half of one of the girls up all games. Nice. Have you ever done that? Have you ever taken food from like a buffet or something?

I've wanted to. Yeah. When I was a kid, you know, when you're 16, we used to go to the mic high and try to put a bunch of shrimp in an Appian. I'm putting in your sleeve and your jacket. And then hopefully you make it out of there, not the napkin falls, or the shrimp falls. So, because he's walking straight. Something happened once at one of those restaurants, when my friend dropped an Appian with something in their wings or and it landed right in the middle and everybody looked at it.

Yeah. This is 40 years ago. I mean, it's not like people all remember where the restaurant had chubby kids? No, I don't remember this shit. But I have a movie young and we went somewhere, one of my buddies tried to be cute and you get, you know, the Chinese napkins they're big and they like, if you put them, who's cupping them, if you put them, who's put them and then he put them all in there

before we left, so the grease wouldn't go through it. Damn. Fucking yeah, so. Did you get kicked out of someone? No, we just walked out. It wasn't made dog. I'm not into stealing fucking Newark fucking shrimp. I'm not gonna go to jail for fucking shrimp,

but the black still in the back, you know It's that shrimp that you dip Yeah, the fuck ladies when you gave away shrimp everybody came out You know, I really tried to get over on shrimp. I still remember people going to me, bro I go there just eat the shrimp and I'm looking at them like you know, I get it now. I just go to buffet and get the goodies But back then, it's going to get the shrimp and then they didn't give a fuck where it came from. That shit will kill you at one of these happy hours.

You gotta be careful when you eat that shrimp from. They keep saying they have it in Vegas, like cheap shrimp cocktails. I've never seen it. I've never seen like a 99 cent shrimp cocktail. They got them. They got everything in Vegas. But it's not the shrimp I almost died on when I went to that restaurant where you that big fucking prawn

It's gonna be one of those leftover Katrina shrimp That's gonna wear half since the fucking storm and they just busted it out because it's not through FDA approval What I'm gonna fucking is the fish people let it pass and that listen what you know? I mean if I give you a 99 cents what am I attracting I'm taking a loser deal so I got to give you a shrimp that's three or four days old I go to Vegas I see a 99.99 cents steak and eggs you got to ask yourself what kind of meters that is this a price leader am I going to go on and buy this and they want me to buy green chili like when we go to Sam's you buy the two eggs and if you pay an extra 50 cents they throw

the green chili in and you know so I've always been a suspect of that of that mafia meat that it's cheap and what I heard they did because I heard that this is what I read 30 years ago guys. I read this when I lived in Bolton. Paul Costalano was a butcher. Okay. Okay. And when he became boss of the Gambino's or a little before that, he devised a scam where the meat that gets old, when you go to,

when you go to, I don't wanna name a supermarket because when you go to a market, and at 9.30 in the closes at 10, and they have like, you go to the steak section, they have like three steaks that have been there all day, and you look at the expiration, and they went out this is yesterday, Paul Costelano wouldn't just throw that away, he'd take that meat, and he dipped it this is yesterday. Poor Costlano wouldn't just throw that away.

He'd take that meat and he dipped it in the chemical. And it was a cap that they had. And it made the meat look fresh again. And they'd take that meat to Vegas. And that's the nine-nine state. And then they'd said he goes, the chemical would get you a little sick, like a little bit of diarrhea.

Like you'd wake up in the middle of the night and you fart a little bit of diarrhea. Like you'd wake up in the middle of the night and you fart a little bit of diarrhea, but not enough to make you go crazy. You wouldn't fuck this shit blood for eight hours. So. I had that happen before like right, like two years ago, I went to one of those all you can, like exclusive or whatever, all inclusive resorts in Mexico.

And it was probably we left early. It was that bad. We were good. Sure you did. The statements that we took, we couldn't eat one bite of it. I remember being maybe, I don't know, a young comic and going, and dog, you start as a comic. So when you go to these casinos the first time

in your feature, they give you like an employee card. That means you're reading the employee food. That's a piece of chicken with a bite taken out of it. I'm teasing you. But you know listen man when you're broke and you're getting six hundred dollars for the week and you have to pay for your plane ticket out of that. And you're pretty much eat what they give you. You know you go to do a a one nighter in a bar, they're paying you 500 bucks, they do some fucking bar.

You think they got steaks in there, they got onion rings, and a fucking typical burger. You know, and what are you gonna eat? You got four hours in your pocket, and they're gonna pay you with a check. What are you gonna eat? Well, they give you.

We did it. We, are you gonna eat a fucking salmon at a bar where the bartender's got herpes on the neck? No, I don't think so. You're not gonna get a fucking salmon dinner there. But you look around and you see where you're at and you gotta watch it. Can you imagine doing a gig and getting paid

and you eat at some fucking joint and you get stomach sick? I worked with a couple comics that happened in 30 years, maybe two times that happened. I worked with a comic one time when I was an open-micro. I was in the crossover during a show. He kept saying, can the hosts come up here? I got to give you the most? No, I was the feature. This is one of the billbauer gigs. I know this face, but I don't remember his name. And he fucking went to the back of the puke. He had eaten something at the fucking bar. And now you can show me and the fucking host had finished the show. I mean, he got his

money. I didn't give a fuck. I got state more state time, more time to bomb. So it all worked out. state more state time, more time to bomb. So it all worked out. I remember it's like specifically, I forget, I forget when it was, it was years ago that you did the improv one night in Hollywood and you were like really sick, like you had a cold. And we were standing out in the rain. I thought, Jesus Christ, like have you ever like been traveling and gotten like sick enough to not do a show or do you just power through it? You power through it. If you're on the road, what are you gonna call the club on and go? You get up that morning, you're all by yourself, you got no car, you gotta take a cat, like a CVS, you gotta buy therapy, VIX vapor, whatever they got the hotel, you're gonna be at a hotel that the people don't speak English. When you go down the stairs and ask them for aspirin,

they're gonna give you a fucking break and so you're thinking you're making crack. So, you know, you just gotta work and talk. I had a horrible experience in 2015. I woke up with Vertigo in Chicago. Oh, shit. And I had two shows on the Saturday night. And I never forget getting up in the middle of the night

to pee and just fall on the floor and the room. And the whole day I had to sit in the fucking bed. Thank God the hotel had room service. I had a crawl to get the fucking room service. I don't know if I knew that. Yeah, and I did two shows with my head twisted. One of the whole room was just going, bang, bang, bang bang bang bang bang.

And the next morning I was a little better when I got on the plane. And then I got home and I had to get my ears checked out and I had something going on with my ear. And I had a, remember for a while I had a wear something. Now remember you had vertigo, but I don't remember you crawling on the floor to get room service. Anyway, because you weren't there. I'm gonna be crawling on a floor to get room service. Anyway, because you weren't there. How would you do that? I don't know, you just told me a lot of shit about yourself.

Sure, but who the fuck was that? There was nobody out there. There was somebody there. You think I'd be crawling? The fuck can get the fucking food in there. No, I know I wasn't in the room, but you know, fuck. I fucked up my dough. I tell you about it.

So where you performing at this week, my brother? It's a place in Western Massachusetts. It's a brewery called. Sorry. Next week, I'm at Silverton, Barron, Grill and Boston and Brook and Feather Brewing in Turner Falls Mass. And this is Friday and Saturday? Friday this week, Saturday next week. Okay, well I'm really proud of you, man. I had a good time with you tonight, even though we're both fucking pretty high. But we gotta get higher.

We gotta blow one out of the fucking water here. You know what I'm saying? Let's do it. I love doing this, but it's always good to see you. Me too. It's good to see you, Joe. Stay black. The check and is brought to you by FreezeBike. Happy Halloween.

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