Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Feeling like a monkey head in a piranha tank

Episode Date: January 20, 2026

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE from Joey's basement. The duo discuss what they would each be like as a security guard, why Joey never taught a stand up class, and Lee makes a confession to Joey about the end of their time in LA.  SHOW NOTES Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now & turn $5 into $300 in Bonus Bets when you press in code JOEY @ ⁠https://www.draftkings.com/mobileapps⁠ Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold w/ code JOEY @ ⁠http://BlueChew.com/⁠  

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here with Bruce Lee Jr. Cato. And it's the church of what's happening now, New Testament, January the 19th. What's up, dog? It's almost your birthday. That's a month away, but who cares about my birthday? I'm not going to be a problem.

My birthday. I'm not even thinking about my fucking birthday right now. The reason why we're in the voodoo lounge and not in the back cave today is because I fucked up my knee. And I won't know what's going on until a winter. Wednesday. I couldn't go to Austin this week. I couldn't do shit. I couldn't do a. Are you garbage? Are you garbage? So I'm very sorry, but the fucking knee just popped out again. I was going to tell people that we got, remember when we got kicked out of that first office? Because Felipe his bars was screaming. Yeah. And they kept, I thought I was going to say that we got kicked out of that office.

They smelled the weed. They don't give a shit in this office. No, nobody gives a shit in LA. LA, they cared a lot. We got to, we, they threw away our bongs in LA. Do you remember that? Because we got so high. He left him in the bathroom. They threw away bongs. But that was a very rare fucking place. I just, somebody sent me

that video. Which one? Felipe. The ladies banged on the door and were like, shut the fuck off. I don't. I don't smell marijuana. You can't. Because we, there was not even a window in that office. No, there wasn't a C. You couldn't move. It was a table and four

chairs. That was it. Dude, because I think they made it. Like, they cut two offices and they took one office. They made it into two. Because, like, they had, I didn't know this back then, but they only had, like, the intake for the air conditioning. They didn't have the out, like, the air coming out. So they just put up a, it's like when they sit, they have a junior one bedroom and they just put up a fake wall. Yeah.

Like cardboard. No. Dog, I went to look at an office in North North Hollywood by that barbecue place. Yeah. When that barbecue place? Fuck, yeah. inside. And I went there and it had a been on the Valley dog in August. Ooh, I mean, it was 100.

Like, yeah, it's always like 100 that second week of September. And I probably went like in August to look at this place. And I walked in there and the walls weren't even up. It was aluminum. Okay. Like insulation and the heat was bouncing off the insulation. I wasn't in there three minutes and I was sweating everywhere. And I'm like, is there air condition?

She's like, no, we don't have it. I go, how are you going to do a podcast? She's like, what's a podcast? That's my fault. She thought we were going to have, like, we needed an office to put boxes and maybe a shower or something. I don't even know what it was.

Yeah, it was fucking crazy, man. It was. But see, anybody could get an office. You want to get an office that reflects what the fuck you're doing exactly what we're doing up there. Yeah. That office, thanks to George,

reflects what we're doing on a daily base. But that's why I didn't want to, we needed something that we had an outside. Yeah. So we could smoke weed and just play music or whatever the fuck it is. You know, I would choose an office. But the problem of the fucking office is that nobody works at night until you get the podcast. Everybody works at night. Now you can't play music.

Now you can't fucking, you know, so it's just. There was a couple creepy things. Do you remember the last office? there was like a producer whom I think he just, because we kept doing videos outside. There was just a guy who just, I think,

found out where we were recording and got the office next to us. There were a couple creepy things. They had me up like for a year after I moved here. Did he really? Yeah, like, hey, I got an idea.

That's great. 2,200 miles away. You know, you got a fucking idea now. We're next to you for a year. And he would just watch us. Yeah. The lady who was stealing our bonds was the cute black lady.

Oh, yeah? The two cute ladies that did some. They were gone after like fucking a month that we were there. They were gone. We came one day and they disappeared. Yeah. They were gone. I don't even know.

That was the creepiest. That whole area was fucking scary. And I can't believe you would fall asleep there at night with the door. With the door opening the lights on. What do you mean you can't believe? You gave me hundreds and thousands of milligrams. and then I would wake because like everyone

for everyone who's watching and doesn't every other podcast in the country they record a bunch and then it goes out like two weeks later the week later

we would get done recording at like 11 talk till midnight and then you and the guest would leave and I would just somehow fucked up put up the podcast

but there were a few times where I would just I like shock wake up like I wouldn't go to I never want to slept on the couch. I never just was like, all right, let's go to the couch and get, like, I would just fall asleep. Shoes, it's fucked up sleeping with your shoes on. I would be sitting up. Fucked up sleeping on a chair.

If your mouth open, never mind the shoes, the shoes are the last fucking thing you got. That's the last problem on your fucking mind. Oh my God. Thank God there was a gate, a fucked up gate. I still to this day don't know how fucking Owen Benjamin got out of that gate. He left through the door. Oh, he did. I know. Have you watched the video back? I think I the gig, like it clicks. That was a fucked up thing. Oh, dude, by the way, because I don't know if you've seen it. Like, have you seen it on Instagram where people like, oh, this is me in 2016, this is me in 20.

That was 2016 when we got that office. I went through my phone to go find like, what was I doing in 2016? That was 2016. Was that what that whole thing about was on the internet for the last week? I don't know where it came from. What I was doing 2006. I don't even know. I couldn't tell you what I was doing in 2016.

I tell you what I was doing in 2006, Norton Coke, like, but for 2016, that's the weirdest thing. I don't know what they call it. I know people say you're short-sided or long-sided. I remember shit from when I'm five. Right. But even when I wrote the book, after 2014,

I don't have a fucking memory. Like, you were telling me some shit the other day about the bad flavors world, and I'm like, I don't even know what he's talking about. I got to be honest, I'm the same way. I don't remember nothing. Oh. I remember bits and pieces of, like, some kid came up to me a day and asked me,

hey, I didn't know you had somebody on your podcast. And I'm like, yeah, we did. Holy fuck. I forgot about that. You think I forgot all that shit. Dude, at least you remember then. I can't tell you how many people would come into the studio. I would go to shake the, hey, nice to meet you.

And they'd be like, this is my third time on the show. I'm like, sure. whatever you say because by the time they got there I was fucked up yeah it happened does Terry say you do that because like all the time

I'll be talking and Anisha I'll be like oh and she'll be like we talked about this a month ago and I was like I don't have zero memory I've given my wife 30,000 ear beans only her and George I've sustained more of your beating

and you know after a while you got to tell the same story. Yeah. Eventually, somewhere, and some people very smart. Like, Nick will go,

you told me that. You know, you, oh, yeah, yeah, that's when Raygo smacked that dude. I'm fucking laughing. You know, the other night,

something happened to me that I watched something interesting in here. And it's basically this. You know, I always thought, ah, you got to keep learning. You know,

you learn every day. Something happens that you learn, something about your car, something about your neighbor, that you never knew before, but sometimes you learn shit about yourself. You know, like, and it's so weird that you don't, when you stop learning about yourself is when you'll die, like, two weeks later.

You just go, I ain't learning nothing. And you start learning about yourself and the things that, you know, what are we talking about? Something happened to you. I'm not sure you figured something out. Yeah, and I'm watching a fucking stupid movie here, you know, with my wife. Not a bad movie.

And there's a scene when the reporter goes into the bar, and they're like, hey, motherfucker, you wrote an article about this. And it was like an old-school North Bergen. Like an old-school blue column. And when the guy walked in and sat at the bar, the bartender told him, he goes, if I was you, this is not a good night for you. But he's like, no, I want to address the issues here.

And they started arguing. And everybody was like, hey, you wrote a story about our town. This isn't what our town's about. and they started beating on the guy in the bar, and then they threw them outside, and they just started kicking him, like 12 guys. We kicked him and bunch of them. And the dog, it fucking didn't piss me off.

It just made me realize who I was at the age of 21. I was going to say, did you make you nostalgic? I feel like you like a bar fight. That wasn't a bar fight. Okay. That's not a bar fight. That's 12 kids just chasing somebody. Oh, okay.

Just, they got a wild buck up their ass, man. I kept thinking about no skiing on Bergen-Line Avenue. Oh, shit. I forgot about that story. That's what I could end it. Like, when we got over there, we were holding back, Raygo, but everybody else was kicking the guy. And the guy's, like, fucking upside down.

The Hudson County Park has a street that you drive into it. And on the side, they have two, like, pillars. And I'll never forget that the snow was higher than the pillars. And when they got done with that guy, They put him head first into the snow thing. And all you saw was legs. And I'm like, you know, for 30 fucking years, I thought that story was hilarious until I saw it the other day.

And I'm like, what the fuck was I thinking? And I thought about that situation that night, like what was going on in our world. And I'm like, when you see that, it's 12 young guys, kind of a man getting laid. six of them ain't got no job and the other four of them were just pissed off at the world

because life didn't work out how they expect them to like somebody of their best friend's father's is a doctor so they fly to Japan this kid you have to go to fucking seaside heights you know that's your big vacation

and you have like this anger yeah you know like this inside like I just saw it I'm like oh my God that's me and I'm like oh shit I only did that once would jump around And I was really pulling Rago off the guy and laughing because he kept saying no skiing on Bergen-Line Avenue, which is the same school of thought I'm from. You know what I'm saying?

You're going to ski. You're on the mountains. But you look at that stuff and you're like, you just see a bunch of, you know, people's lives aren't working out. So they're taking out on this poor bastard with a few good kicks. And you feel good about yourself. When you go back in the body, like, yeah, I was great. I think I broke his rib, you know, inhale. Like, what fuck?

But I was thinking about like, I know I got a couple of hate emails about my opinion last week on the Minneapolis situation. And that was then. See, guys don't know me. That was then. Okay, and it's like I was telling our dear friend on the phone, I go,

that manslaughter, whatever we thought it was, was what it was. but now what's going on is fucking pathetic and it's pathetic on the fucking people protesting because now it's like a twin now they deserve to get beat up a little bit

you know what I'm saying like you understand why I don't see things in black and white like most people I see things for real I see things for real like this is real time here now they're becoming stupid because listen I've said it once and it's a joke

but it's true. There's no future in protesting. You end up in the hospital. That's your future. And then you walk around at parties. They beat him up at the ball. He's a hero. He ain't no hero.

He's a fucking idiot. That's ice. They're beaten. They just shot somebody. I think it's your turn to go home. Once the gun, I can see they hit you in the head with a bottle. Okay, I'll take my chances.

I'll wear a fucking helmet. But the fucking, you know, now still stay on the streets. and what's going to happen is and this is going to be fucking tremendous is that they're going to call in those troops those fucking airborne unit that's waiting on call

they're going to parachute onto the streets a fucking, can you imagine those liberals like out there we want milk, whatever the fuck and all of a sudden you're and you look up and it's like apocalypse now and people are jumping out on ropes and the machine is not going to add

oh my God white people do like Black people don't like fire? Yeah. You know that. Black people don't like fire. I had no idea. You ever see a black person who there's a fire?

You never see any black firefighters? Not really. Black people traditionally don't like fires. White people don't like helicopters. People coming out with ropes and machine guns, okay? How you must be, like, if that happened and you were protesting, for that, until they landed on you, you'd be pretty pissed off that you were protesting. Well, let's look at it again.

Are we protesting for our friends to be cool and to be part of a group? Or are we protesting for real that they did something to a friend of mine? And I got a fucking AK-47 and I'm going to shoot a motherfucker. It's like 50-50? I don't know. But there was a guy out there today with some gun in front of his house. And I'm like... Really?

Yeah, you're just... You just... It's a magnet. Yeah. A gun is a magnet. They're going to come at you with other guns. So I don't understand it. But see, like, now it's gotten out of control.

Now we, you know, we got the fucking parades. And it's all the same people. A bunch of people were confused with a chubby white chick with a shaved head. The chubby white chick is always the leader. Some lesbian who's not only a lesbian, she's a fucking cancer survivor. She had diabetic in her left foot. You know, this shit don't stop. have a thousand things to get the fucking, ah.

Dude, you keep doing this to me. Like, the last one is, now I'm going to see every protest and see a chubby chick with a shaved head. Always. My favorite is, when I forget, it was a joke you had or maybe it was on a podcast, but he said the chubby chick who turns her hair blue to throw you off so you don't know that she's chubby. And that all the time, that's all I see.

Look, anytime somebody gets chubby, like, hilariously chubby, they're like, you know what? I'm going to take the stress off my stomach. I'm gonna get blue hair with a volcano on the top of my head. And that'll throw people off. They won't say to me, hey, you gained weight. They'll look at you and say, we love the color in your hair. Yeah. So you're gonna fuck with me that.

It's like having a, it's like a white kid that has a black dad, right? That's not going to, that'll go over well for a few years. But for years, you go to the supermarket when you can, what they tell you, the mom. He's got beautiful hair. Yeah, it's the same. you're going to have problems. You know what I'm saying? But you were,

you were saying that, like, it made you, that movie made you, like, look back and, like, differently at it? At that story?

You know, you look at that, for years, we've been giggling about it. And, uh, I looked at him, like,

that's not the fucking funny. It wasn't, because I, I let me see where the fuck I was at that time. in my life. I just thought I wrote it off to being young and stupid. It was being young, not having a fucking life, being angry about the cards dealt to me.

It's a thousand different fucking things at once, you know? Yeah, but I think you also, I don't know, I feel like you've been pretty open the end, all the whole podcast. I mean, yeah, you're a comedian and you try to make the story as funny, but you were never like, you guys should do what I did. You guys should beat up a skier. Or like, you know, you were just telling you stories that were just crazy.

It was just craziness. Listen, man, when you think about those stories, you forgive yourself. And then you got to say, well, thank God that is aided bother. Thank God that somebody didn't hit him in the head, one of those skis. And the guys are retarding the chair. Now we all got to do eight years, you know, for fucking hitting some guy in the head. Yeah, well, thank God there were no cameras. That shit happens, too, you know, where, you know.

fucking something. What is it? If somebody dies during a felony, you get charged of murder. Yeah, fuck yeah. Right. So it's the same thing. Like, you went out to have a good time.

And all of a sudden, fucking somebody's eye pops out. But didn't even, like, I heard, like, bouncers. Not that I would ever be a bouncer, but when I was a kid, I heard this story. And this was why in my head I was never a bouncer, not because I'm fucking short and chubby. But, like, a bouncer,

or if you get into, like, a fight in a, a bar and just randomly punch somebody or they punch you and you punch them back they hit their head and they die you're going to jail you're going to jail you're going to fucking jail it's it's really amazing that's why when I go into a place and I see a bouncer yeah first thing I ask myself is what can be possibly get how much money can he possibly be getting to work a Saturday at a fucking seaside club bar 20 an hour maybe 120 a shift to fucking put him yourself in that risk of because yeah most nights nothing happens right but they could be that one night the guy's indian he's been drinking gin all day he comes in different indian and he wants

to shoot an arrow at your fucking head you have to deal with that i mean what are you going to do was it worth the paycheck dude i heard that the armored truck like the bank delivery drivers get like 15 an hour. You're like 20 an hour. No. I don't know. Maybe I'll look it up. I thought, and this was years ago. Would you take that job?

No. No. No. It's not much. You make 25 delivering at dominolems. I know. It's really not much. It's like surprising.

You're an armed fucking guard. We'll have to look it up during the break. You're a armed fucking guard. There's got to be, listen, you're not making $300,000 a year, but you're getting 150, 170, 180, plus benefits.

You get union. You get a fucking will. You get vision. You know. According to Google, it's like 21 an hour. No, armored truck.

No fucking way, man. That's for like a Puerto Rican armate truck. That's like for two guys that say their security. No, man. Fucking what are UPS drivers? They make 100 plus. They make a lot.

And they don't have a gun. Yeah. No, dude, this is why I blew my mind is who would want to be... I don't fucking get it. I don't get it. Oh, my God. Because I wouldn't listen.

You have a certain type of security job. This is a security job where it was guys that wanted to be cops who couldn't climb the ladder. You know what I'm saying? They couldn't fucking shoot the 22 targets. They're like Stallone and Copeland. They were deaf and money. You know, so they get those little security guards. Then they get attitude.

Right. You know, it's like they get attitude. And then you get guys like, listen, this is just a job. I'm not going to shoot nobody. I ain't going to arrest nobody. I ain't going to shoplifting. I don't give a fuck. Right.

It's just a job so things don't get out of hand. Now, we grew up with somebody who used to run security at bars. I do know this for a fact. He used to, like a bar would open up like a club. He would come in and go, I'm going to do security here. I'm going to bring my own people. Those guys were making $4.50 a night, and I was 30 years ago. Wow.

But were they like X Army or something? Hoboken, yeah. That's what, yeah. Oboken on a club, they were all professional security, and they were getting $4.50 a shift. Like 8 to 2, 8 to 3, whatever. That's fantastic. Again, but it's a club.

It's, instead of it being a bar where you have one fight that could turn it to 3, there could be four different fights. No, that sounds... I couldn't imagine... The first fight, I would just quit. I would just walk away. Like, never in my... Never in my life.

It used to blow my mind when I was a kid. Like, let me ask you this. When you watch, like, a action movie and, like, there's the bad guy and they have, like, the henchmen that just, like, are there, like, hired, whatever, it always blew... Like, I was like, who would sign up

to, get to have to almost get murder. Like, are there people who actually do that? Like, are there criminals who just are like the soldiers or whatever? And, like, I can't imagine they make enough money to do them. When I first moved to Aspen in 83, I was living, I moved to Snowmass. And I was walking around one day. And I started talking to this white dude, not assuming white dude.

Hey, how are you doing? Are you from Jersey? Yeah, I heard the accent. Oh, shit. Yeah, you're friends with this guy when you started talking. And I kept saying, I mean, when I asked him, do you work? And he goes, yeah, I own a bodyguard school. Really?

He goes, yeah, come to the office and check it out. So I went up there one day. It was very interesting. It was a course. It was a six-week course, like two weeks security, two weeks maritime. Like if you have to protect your people on the beach, on the ocean, on a boat, and two other weeks. And then he's like, I could get you into the next. rotation of training since you're a neighbor

I'll get you 50% off because people fly in for this shit whoa okay people come on from all over the world he was having like six sessions a year I forget what it was it was you know 7,000 back then or something for the full course but you had guaranteed lifetime placement and I thought about it I was like man I was in shape then

I was young I had no family that's the perfect people who signed up for that. They have no emotional connection. They have nothing. You know? You have to be on that guy. And then I started thinking about it. I'm like, so I'm getting shot at and I got to stand in front of a motherfucker.

Let's pretend this guy's a drug dealer, a politician, a fucking criminal. At all levels, they deserve to get shot. Which one? All three of them. A politician, a fucking criminal, a gangster, a big cartel guy.

they're the ones that are going to have big time security. Yeah. So it's not like if I was going to secure somebody, I secure a guy that was CEO of a company. The guy got shot in New York by Angelini, the Italian guy, like whatever his fucking name is. I don't know what his fucking name is. Gagalini, Angelini.

God, you're messing me up now. But anyways, you go. You follow me? Yeah. It's going to be somebody less dangerous. I'm going to go fucking and be a bodyguard for a criminal or some. fucking, you know, tremendously rich kid

who's never done anything. And I'm going to stand there like a tough guy with sunglasses on a tattoo of a dragon and just stand there and be the mean guy. I don't see it. And then something else doing about me because I ain't that stupid. Even at that age.

All right. You're a fucking, everybody here in this room saw a man on fire. Yeah, I was just thinking about me. Okay? I come up to your fucking thing. I forgot what I was going to tell you. You figured something out about being a security?

Yeah. So I take this six-week course, right? And I come see George, who's got a multimillion-dollar vitamin corporation, somebody keeps threatened, and George fucking hires me. Or maybe not. He looks at my resume and goes, Joey, you're everything I wanted. You're handsome, you're articulate, you speak well, you know, whatever. And this is all lies.

Right. Well, but then a guy comes in who went to Vietnam. Oh, you want him. You follow me? So that's why. Yeah, but there's also levels of it. Because, like, I was just thinking about like... Fuck you.

Me being on a boat with six other white guys, with guys with targets shooting at me and boop-blop. Like it blows up. Oh, you're dead. That's one thing. But being a combat fucking soldier, that's a complete other game. And those Vietnam motherfuckers,

they weren't all there. were shooting Babagna over there. They were doing a ton of shit smoking dope. They became fucking killers. Those must be the best security guards. Well, that's what I'm saying? Yeah. So who would you hire?

Some good-looking... You ever see John Wick? Yeah, fucking... Everybody's good-looking. I've never seen that many good-looking agents and my... Even the chicks were fucking stunning. Yeah. A deaf girl?

And, like, two or three? I forget what turn it was. Yeah, they're all fucking bond girls. And they all want to be fucking, you know, whatever. And all those guys are good looking. Those are the guys you get when you go to a bodyguard school. You know what I'm saying? Handsome guys.

I'm going to get pussy. I want a guy to show up with a missing eye. Because you know he survived? prosthetic leg. Oh, yeah. Imping in like he can't be around magnets. That's the type of shit. That's the type of guy I want to hire.

I don't, you know, and that's just common sense, guys. That's why, you know, George is a framer. I'm sure in San Francisco or somewhere there's a framing university where you go to for three months and you're a certified framer, whatever the fuck that means. And this guy will go there for three months

and come to George and guess what? George will we have to retrain him. Oh, of course. It'll be another two years. But that's anything. So that's how I always thought about those things. Practical experience, it's like why the reason

I never ran a stand-up class. Because I don't want practical people. I don't want, there's a stand-up class that I would teach, and then I would teach a public speaking class. Two different fucking things. Stand-up comedy class and public speaking, two different fucking things. But eventually, you're going to have to get up on stage, which is what we all fear, you know, whether you go to Jiu-Jitsu,

they drill with you, you do all this shit. When that guy comes up to you and says, let's hit knuckles, we're going to wrestle, you forget everything. Right. Because I was thinking about secret service. Because a security guard, you're supposed to protect them, but if people start shooting, some of them are going to leave. Well, security guard, part of it, you've got to be a boy scound.

Right. You know, you see the president, you really actually, you know, like, whoa, it's like, you know, people who will see the mayor of the town. They go fucking insane. Mr. Mayor. What are you talking about? This guy's a bum. Right?

Counselor. He was a 20-year-olds last month at the fucking bar. And now you're like, Mr. Mayor, oh, my God, I'll pick a picture with the Mayor today. What's fucking a man? Come to me when you're a fucking Senator up. Fucking Mayor, what do I give a fuck? You know?

Right. So it's the same kind of shit. That's why I never really wanted to train in something. That's why I'm really proud of you, me, Becky, Pedro, because with stand-up comedy it's not about schools or contests. It's about being in the field.

Yeah, but did you ever wish there was some sort of like degree or just something to like get all, because there's a lot of people who are doing it who shouldn't be doing it. Doing what? Stand-up. Oh, it's an art. everybody has a different form of fucking expression

so I can never knock somebody because I don't know where they're going with that I don't know when they're going with that but you ever watch somebody well you don't know where they're going with that but you're like that motherfucker's going some yeah there's a ton of great standups so same thing

I that's why I was against the improv schools in their life okay because those kids come from a weak background as it is and they go there and it's a bunch of guys that really failed Well, I auditioned for Sin Night Live one time.

What are you calling me this for? You know what I'm saying? Come to me when you're doing four years on the show. Right. You know the ins and outs. Even if you failed, nobody's going to look at you like that. You made it to Saturday Night Live. Just because you got thrown off or whatever.

It was just your time to leave. They weren't writing sketches for you. But I didn't like that about that way. That you took somebody, you know, cold. In college, they decided to watch Sinai Live. Well, we love Marcello. And also they're like, I think I'm going to become a comedian. I think I'm going to, and I go to dad.

Dad, listen, I know I'm a microbiologist. But when I get out of college, I really want to go to Improvillian for a year. Jesus, we had plans for you. Yeah. We had plans for you, son. I want to be a comic. A fucking comic. Okay, you won.

I'll give you a credit card, a salary, a car for one year. You have one year to prove your point. And these kids will go to L.A. or New York and just give their money. For these classes that reading and stand-up... Movement and stand-up. And this is all shit you're going to learn within six months if you get on stage four nights a week. It's the people who get on stage twice a week that go,

I'll sign up for breathing for stand-up. Right. There's no breathing. I took one class in L.A. I took a commercial acting class and the teacher was the most depressed person.

Like the entire class, like half the class was just him like kind of complaining about L.A. and just like the saddest person. And like there was no, it was just, I just remember it was like five or six Saturdays for eight hours and it was the longest. It was like drivers at.

Since I moved to Jersey, I've been getting hit up, like, four times, five years. People going, hey, man, I've been doing comedy for two years. I don't know if you work with people. I'm like, man, that would be interesting. And I'm like, I don't know. I would like. It's taking that money. And I've seen, first off, I don't have the right credentials.

There's no credentials. That's the problem. But actually, you do have credentials. So you get mad. If you go to some guy who complains about fucking L.A. Because they don't have credentials. They book three commercials. And what is their advertising for the class going to say?

Worked in over 100 commercials and television promos. Show them to me, motherfucker. Right. Well, that's the thing is because I've seen classes taught by people. And just because I know you, I'll be like, hey, is this guy. This guy is the worst comic I've ever seen. you have the comedy store, you have your specials, you have other people vouching for you.

Like that's as a, as someone who's... I have 35 years of experience. Right, but that's the thing. There's people who have 35, because I just started stand-up. I was doing open mics. I see these ads for stand-up classes, and it's people like who now I know are terrible. But when you're first starting out, someone could be. like a really good schmoozer or have one TV credit and you think you're like hey that what

for 300 bucks they can't be like and then you don't know that you're getting fucked over because there's like a lot a lot of bad comics teach classes well here's the other end of this I'm protecting you on this okay the expectation of taking a class now I signed up for my original class to do stand up at see you bolder which was $33. And then in 93, I signed up at the New York Comedy Club for an eight-week course. And I learned, and now when I went in there,

here's the problem. When I went in there, I know that if I get one thing out there, don't put the basketball down. This season, you shoot great. I love your dribbling. I love your mind. But, George, you keep putting the basketball. basketball done after you get a rebound.

We're going to work on that. That one thing, because I know that one thing will make you that much better. The problem with people is expectations. Oh, I'm going to go learn from Joe Rogan, take an eight-week course, and I'll be fucking a millionaire in 10 years. You know, Phil Jackson, when I was a kid,

every time they put Phil Jackson when I was a kid, I turned the TV off at night. Whatever the Knicks were losing, and they put Phil Jackson in the... I would turn the TV off. I'd be on the phone with all that. Waddy O'Donnell and I go. The game's over.

Good night. We lost 25 bucks. Like 12.50, we were splitting five-time parlays. Well, five-time bets. He ended up becoming one of the greatest coaches of all time. Six championships. I don't even know. Don't call me on that.

That's fair. They couldn't know how to do it. You know, me, I like what the unions do. If you're a plumbing, apprentice, five days a week and you're going to go to class three nights a week yeah every week you're going to work on some in that class a fucking sweat in a pipe digging a fucking hole whatever it is

but in the daytime you're using that in practical terms your skill set yeah so i could grow with you you know what i'm saying most stand-up classes do a fucking weird format because they do come to class i'm going to talk for eight weeks and then you're going to go up on stage for three minutes I think you're supposed to do open mics, I would hope. No. You're definitely supposed to do open mics. Nobody's going to walk into the garden their first time. No, no, no, I mean for the class.

I'm into, like, as part of their homework. But, like, what I was going to say, because something that I still watching, I haven't watched in a couple years and I need to watch again, George and I were driving down. We were talking about Ralphie for a while. Ralphie did one of the coolest. It was like two hours.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, like, that's a great workshop. And that's just, it wasn't so much. He didn't take questions. You know who else did it really don't want? Who's that? Ari's your fan. Did he?

Did he? Oh, did he record it? Yeah, I think he recorded. I'm going to have to go find that because I love Ralphies. I'm sure Ari's is great. But that's because it's different. If you're just doing like a, it's almost like sort of like a TED Talk or you want to call it a podcast, call it a podcast. But like then it's just your opinion.

And there's certain things about like I'll never forget. And it's not, I don't drink beer. But like when I go to comedy clubs, I usually don't, I'll order a diet. Coke. That's usually what I order tops. Because Ralphie explained it. He's like, if you're making $100 and you eat $25, $50 worth of whatever, then you're much more expensive. They won't have you back.

And who knows, the managers probably don't even care, but they might care at one place. Like, there's just that it's one of the coolest, and you could do a great one, I think, of that. Of just like a two-hour talk. Right? Like just... I would love to do one. I would love to

sit down. But I'd also like to practice it first. I'd like to practice what I preach with you and Becky and Pedro and Hector and just to see. That's why I wanted to do some at the dojo on Tuesday nights where it's like we watch Bill Hicks. Mm-hmm. We can fucking talk about them, what we liked, what we didn't like,

explain some of the jokes, how he broke him down, and then go up there and do it. Show him the dice thing and then show him Bill Hicks. and how Bill Hicks built the set little by little. And like try to have them. Now these jokes are hockey. Even Dice's that was hockey.

These are 35 fucking years ago. But it wasn't hacky back then. But no, but now you say one of those jokes and people look at you. Yeah. Like three fucking heads. Like what I would love,

when we were watching that, we were watching for people listening, we were watching to the young comedian special Rodney's thing on HBO. So if you put in Hicks, Sam Kinniston, or Dice, it'll all pop. We just watched it.

And what I would, because I'd love to do that with you. And I think, like, even though I don't think I've ever yelled in a joke ever, like, because you've been talking to me about using your volume in different ways. And I'm starting to do it a little bit,

but I've never screamed, really. And I almost want to just be like, you tell me, like, you have to scream this time. What's the most powerful thing? Sometimes it's a scream and sometimes it's a whisper. Yeah, whispering too. Whisper. or yell, a whisper or yell,

could be your punchline, and now you're tricking them. But you want a stake to one. So, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I took her upstairs and gave her a good dick. You follow what I'm saying to? Yeah, yeah. So now they got to listen. Yeah.

Now you're testing them to fucking listen. You follow me, or I took a, I switched it, I whisper the setup, they yell at a bunch. Now you're getting into a rhythm. They feel that rhythm, and now they're programmable monkeys. They're just going to be laughing every time you touch your ear, every time you laugh, every time you hurt your stomach.

Listen, I can tell 20 jokes in the world. None of them got a big laugh is when I laugh at one of the jokes. Oh, yeah, it's great. You have them. How does that? Did you see Kennison doing it? Yeah. Because when you laugh after your joke, that means?

means you don't give a fuck. You're telling me that you don't give a fuck if I laugh. You laugh. And that's the most important thing. And that's a complete, listen, the first 10 years of stand-up are basically basics. You learn how to tell a joke, you go to Chicago, this guy doesn't pay your check. The next 20 years is now you know what you're doing, you're a purple belt, you know what you're doing, but you're still run into snags once in a while. And somebody told me this. By the 20, you start studying. Now you're studying this shit. At the 20 year mark, I got hooked on singers.

I would watch singers to watch their breathing and how, because a singer is the conduit of the band. Right. Correct? So what is he doing to connect with the audience? Right. I want to learn how to connect. You don't think about that when you're doing comedy two years.

Dude. Just thinking about going to the bar and getting your dicks up and getting the two free cocktails. That would be nice. But that's, this has happened my whole life. When I first started stand up, you guys,

everyone was talking about, oh, it takes 10 years to get good, 10 years to get good. I'm finally in my 10th year. And now there's another, it's like, oh,

I feel like my whole life. Everyone's like, when you get here, you're going to be, it's, everything's gravy after that. And then just, as soon as you get there,

they move the goal post. Every fucking, not, and I know I'm really working. I'm not, moving on you. No, I know you're not. That's always been my philosophy because I remember doing comedy 15 years

and thinking I'm Joey Bananas and sitting in the main room and watching Paul Rodriguez destroy it like on a Tuesday night. I'll never forget, like, just sitting there, Mitchie sure looked over him and she goes, that's 20 years.

Yeah. And I'm like, God damn it. You fuck. Dude. For five in a comedian's world, five in anybody's world is a lot. Why do you think people just don't join the army? Yeah. Because you hit me with 18.

I got to do this for 18 fucking years. These kids today grow up on 10-second videos, 30-second videos. They can barely do something for two fucking weeks. People are saying that schools are roaming is down because parents are looking at their kids going, you're a stupid motherfucker. Yeah. You've been sitting all day playing video games and scrolling.

10-minute fucking thing. Nothing's going to stick in your fucking mind anymore. No, it doesn't know. So people don't want to put work in. And this goes back to framing. This goes back to politicking. This goes back to anything. You know what?

You have goals in your head? But guess what? And this is what I tell people. George, when we were kids, Penzole had a fucking motto. And it was money. And it's this easy. You're really going to pay me now?

or you're gonna pay me later. So I'll tell you what, I know, you wanna be a YouTube guy. You're doing comedy three years, you put a video out, he gets three million views, you did something, and now clubs are calling you the headline. You ain't no fucking headline,

but you don't know no better, because I would have done the same thing, you know? And you're gonna go out there, and it's gonna work for about six months. And then you're gonna fall on your fucking face. And then you're either gonna become a fucking radio show, Attended? Can't do that anymore.

Or you're going to sit there and realize how you're going to come back now and what's going to be different. You know, you didn't put the work in. And they awarded you a trophy. Guess what? Now you've got to put the fucking work in. But Joey, I can't see myself featuring now.

Bitch, how bad do you want to do this? Prove yourself as a feature. You can become an headliner again. Yeah. And that's what's great about comedy that you could, but you're going to get setbacks. But look, so right now I have a setback. I can't be lumping around with his leg.

But you know I'm up early trying to write shit every fucking day. And I'm journaling, and I'm doing all that because I got to keep something fresh. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? You got to keep something fresh. So this is a constant thing.

You know, Nick, looking to take over the fucking world with politics. He's got a plan, but guess what? in a year somebody's going to come to him to listen there's a fucking soup kitchen that's run by a lot of people that have a lot of money and a lot of influence they want you to go run it for six months

if you run that you can be the mayor of any fucking town yeah and like I was just asking me people like that happens this shit happens and you know what you get mad at first but it's giving you more time to prepare for your fucking job

and to do it correctly What do you think about taking gigs that like you're going to lose money at that point early on? Lee, I feature it for 500 a week. $500 a week is nothing. That's still what they give you, by the way. Yeah, it's still what they give you 30 years later. No, now they give you $500 and no. Yeah, it's usually the headline are giving you a hotel.

This is when you look at what you're doing and what your life is. I don't want you to take a losing week. I want you to take a break-even week. That's a big difference. A losing week and a break-even week is a big difference. Now, let's get down to the, why are you going there? Is it for the set? Is it for the club owner to see you?

There's variables. Nobody's going to see you. And I've got to fly all the way to Coma, Washington, to get $400. bucks and I get the same 400 bucks from Syracuse. I'm going to Syracuse. Right. But the reason why I'm asking is...

At this point right now, you should not be losing a dollar. You should be coming home saying, hey, I made $55. Yeah. No, that would be good. That's a plane ticket to meals, the hotel, compared to what they're paid. Right. No, absolutely. And I...

I... But the reason why I'm asking is, I feel like I learned some... much during future weekends. And I always try to watch the headliner. You do. But like now it's, I want a feature for every night. I don't want to go broke. But if I'm at least breaking even or losing a couple hundred bucks, if I can spend

a weekend one weekend watching you, one weekend watching Josh, one weekend watching Craig Robbins. I don't go to anybody. And just like if you, I think, I feel like a feature weekend. Watching Josh. Yeah. Exactly. And then the other weekend watching somebody else.

So maybe not. And two weeks, making, planting your own fucking flag. That, I, that's what I have been thinking about a lot the last couple weeks, is I have to start doing longer sets more often.

Not at clubs and not asking, but I need to, because that going from 10 or 12 minutes to 55 is, is a huge jump that I am nowhere near ready for. At the 10-year mark, I was getting 600 from Miami. But Wednesday through Sunday, I was getting $15 a cent of the store, and it was probably getting a buck in the quarter from Joe to open.

And I remember going to, I left L.A. twice with no schedule. Like, I had three months and I had three weekends of shows. And I would just get on the bus and leave. And meet comments. Get to that, get to that location, work the weekend, talk to people, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and also they call this guy, he's always got to fall out. You call him, hey, I got referred to you by George.

Listen, I don't know you, so I could only give you an MC week. Bring it. I'm out here. Yeah. I'm out here already. It might be a guest spot. So, no, no, no, no, no. You're getting something.

You're picking up cash. You don't have time to guest spots. This is what I'm saying. At this time in my life, I was a regular at the store. It was $2.000. That's a big deal. It was 99. It was before I met Terry.

Okay. Yeah, it was 99. First off, when my apartment got towed, I did that. That's the first time I did it. I started the six weeks of Miami, and I think I MC'd three times, and I featured three times.

It was 300 to MC. I didn't give a fuck. I was doing eight spots a week. Yeah, that's great. And a hotel room, I was stealing food, I mean, God rest of the soul. Jeff Garcia told the story that fucking, he was, we and him were working Valentine's Day weekend. And Jeff would go over there and eat fucking eggs in the morning.

And one morning I came in there like, he's like, what are you eating? Eggs? And I'm like, no, shrimp shish kebabs. And I had taken all of them out of the draw, dog, at 10 o'clock before the regular kitchen staff got in there. What drawer? Like in the kitchen, you just take out raw shrimp and cook shrimp? they have like a draw that you would pull, and they would have shish kebabs, shrimp shish kebabs,

lay it on top like 10 with a sheet of wax paper, and the guy would come in the morning and prep them, and then the chef would come and later. I would hit it while the chef came, and I would cook all those shrimp kebabs. You understand me? Jeff's like, why am I eating eggs? That's right.

Why are you eating eggs? I used to smoke Lucky Strikes, because in those days, the club promotional girls would come around, and the popular cigarettes were not lucky strike, no more. So they would give you lucky strikes. I could smoke camel lights and pay six bucks a pack or I could eat fucking. I could smoke lucky strikes that taste like shit, but they're free. You know what I'm saying? That's a hard one that turned down. So I would go to Miami, even though I was

getting 300, I wasn't paying for a meal. You know, I was going to the movies for free because if you're the comedian, you get to go to the movies for free in the same mall. Wow. But you'd fucking, you'd bus from L.A. to Miami? I flew that time. I said, I had to clubs. I said, I declined. sent me a plane ticket. That's when I had that credit card. Let me ask you. I had the club's card. The numbers written down. And I would call the manager and go, hey, you got to hope? Yeah, come on down. I got like three weeks for you. All right.

And then I would get to call the airline and fly down there on the card from the club, though. Joe Chadwick was his name. Dude. He gave me the credit card to use one time. I used it for about two and a half years, Doug. They never caught it. Oh my God, dude. All the comics who are listening who are like hosts and features right now,

we're lucky some clubs will be like, if you're a feature, maybe you'll get a hotel room, maybe, mostly, you know, hosts, they'll get,

you're lucky to get like $25 bucks in cash added to your check, which gets taxed. Like it's, oh yeah, oh yeah, it's, to fly, but this is what I was going to ask you,

could you have done as much as you did without the comedy store credit. Who would a what? Without, like, did the comedy, like, when you were in Miami or wherever and you had no response, but you could say, hey, I'm passed at the comedy store. I think that would get you, at least now

it would I think it at least gave you some response? When I got to L.A., it opened up the door a little bit. People would be more they'd hear me on. Right. Hey, man. George, how you doing? I got your number from Nick. Listen, Joey Diaz.

I'm a feature act. I'm a regular at the store. I want to know if I can come in a feature one week. Well, send me a tape. Go fuck yourself. Like, bye. I'm not sending you on tape, bitch. I'm in L.A. Right.

I'll tell you what I was saying. You know, a roster, a comedy store. See who I'm working with. And see what your guys are doing down there. And we'll take it from that. But if you didn't understand that conversation, I wouldn't even fucking want to talk to you. Right.

Now, that makes sense. I remember, when I went on the road in 99, I really had basketball. Yeah, you had a lot of, I had basketball already. And it wasn't a big deal, but it was. I didn't know it. Right.

I'm not saying you didn't work hard at all because you worked hard to get the movie and you worked hard to get past at the store. But it's like you need something like that. Like it's really tough. I told you six months ago to get a commercial. Yeah. And I've sent a couple emails, but not enough. Emails? You got to take a picture, put an envelope, put a resume, put a cover letter.

You've been doing comedy for 10 years. You took a commercial, whatever. Just give a name. I have the class. Go on the L.A. thing. Give the name of the most popular one. All right. I have a diploma, I think, somewhere.

I have a certificate that he printed out at Staples. Yeah, you just, you know, and that's, I've always told people. That comedy is one thing. Now you want respect. If I'm sitting here watching the national championship game and I see a commercial of you getting shot of a candidate, Hey, that's Lee.

That's that. Yeah. Where's my fucking phone? That's Lee. Holy shit. All right, now when I see you, I'm not going to tell you I saw it. Right.

I'm not going to say, hey, look who I saw. I'm still going to treat you like a dick. In the back of my mind, this kid could do something. I do have to treat him a little different because I don't want him barking back at me in 10 years. Yeah. They definitely do that.

You follow me? So that's why people don't understand. Now, did I know about this shit? No, I didn't know about this. Nobody told me this. I found out. Yeah. I found out.

How much it helped. I fucking found out. And it was just amazing how much it helped. And then mad TV help because you're a comic. And that helps. So when people see that type of shit, they're not going to say, hey, we really liked you in the longest yard.

They're going to say, to you. They're just going to know, I ain't fucking with this motherfucker. I'm going to take them a little bit seriously and see where this goes. Real quick, let me talk to these people about Blue Chew. Listen, you want to get the year off started with a big dick. I want to talk to them about fucking Draft Kings. We'll be back in five minutes. Tip Dot Magoo. What's up, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. Guys, listen, it's time to level up your dick game, all right? Blue Chew just dropped Blue Chewold. Blue Chew gold. Blue Chew gold is a form. and one tablet with a mix of key ingredients to increase blood flow and arousal.

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Limited time offer. We're back, Jack. Anyway, what are we talking about, Lee? Talking a lot about comedy, but I wanted, I was, in the break, I wanted to, unless you have something you want to talk about with comedy. No, I got nothing. Hit me.

I just love your setup down here. Like you have such, like, I feel like this is like, it is a man cave, but it's like almost like you build it specifically so you don't have to go. Like I love, I've never seen a microwave in a base. Like I love it. I love it. I love it. It's like the stoner in you, you probably have popcorn somewhere down here.

Or like you have something. You put something in the fridge. Yeah, the box of chips. No, the box of chips. No, but the microwave is where it's at. Because especially walking upstairs to your, you have to walk up, two sets of your stairs to your kitchen. So you probably have a coffee machine down there. Oh, what happened to the coffee?

With the sugar, we broke. Oh, man. Yeah, you need to get the coffee. What, you need like one, you need like something else. Not a robot, but like, I just, how often do you use the microwave? Once a week they use it. Oh, okay. I thought, see, me.

Me as the chubby dude, I thought you were getting high and leaving like a thing of lasagna in the mini fridge. First of all, believe in that, beside popcorn, I really don't try to eat. Really? Mice down here. I got the cat. Why would that be a mouse?

So I don't, sometimes she'll go, let's bring food. No, no, let's go upstairs. Dude, when I... My fucking... Listen, man. What were you going to say? Well, because what I was going to say is that at my fattest,

like right before we left L.A. for like six months in my bedroom I had a mini fridge I had a small one bedroom it was like 16 steps to the fridge and I still love it

I still love the idea of a mini fridge in the bedroom but it is fat it was I would I had it at the end What did you put No food Possibly put no no

In my mind I was being healthy There was no water And health drinks No no no it was water And die coke And the water never got refilled No The same pack was in the whole time

And I know there was a snack ice cream cups. No, no. See, I didn't get free those. Buttercups that were frozen or some shit. I didn't get one with a freezer. That one wouldn't have been bad. But I'm sure I put a peanut like a pudding cup or something at some point in there. You know, man, since I've lived here, I've had a rough time. Adjust them. You have the gym, you do this, you go to the pool, the city pool, you go to games, you know. One day you're like, this is boring as well. This is great. You know, I'm part of a community. me, but God damn.

All these motherfuckers are going home at 7.30 and fucking their wives with a sheet in a hole in it, and that's it. I can't, I can't, I can't live like that. So I had a little beef of my wife Christmas two years ago, and I fucking, you know, tempest where things were said, and I fucking started going up, you know?

I didn't fucking like it here. Sometimes, 94, I didn't, like where I was living either. 95. I was out every night. I got rid of the TV. And I started doing that. I started going to bars and I was fucking

crazy people. And I'm like, you know what, man? I'm not a bar guy. I've never been a bar guy. I'm not going to start now at 60. There's no fucking way. I could go to eat at a bar once a week. But to sit there and listen to drunk people,

I'd rather fucking be shot. I'd rather be shot. Yeah. I was going to say, I've never called once a guy as a bar person. So I was fucking long. You know? At about eight months ago, I go, you know what? I remember when I was a kid, I used to go to people's houses. And I go, why do you go out? They're like, well, because, you know, who wants to stay in? I'm like, go. And Georgia will tell you, we were 23. I used to yell at them every night.

You got a grandmother, you got a mother, you got a refrigerator, you got a TV. Where are you going? Where the fuck are you going? I was really adamant about it. And I would look at people who didn't have families and I go, why are you out? I don't have a fucking family, but if I did, I'd be at home watching TV with them. It's fucking Tuesday night. So I started thinking about those words I used to always tell people. When I first met Rogan, I used to ask them the same question. Why do you leave your fucking house?

You have a fucking fish with a piranha in there. why do you leave your fucking house? That's pretty cool. What is there to do that's cooler than me just throwing mice in a fucking thing and seeing fucking... A piranha? He's throwing legs in there and shit

and monkeys' heads. He was getting fucking heads from some other country or something shit. I don't fucking know. You got a full TV, the size of this wall. You got a refrigerator that's empty, which means we can order from wherever. You follow me?

I mean, I would ask him, why are you out? Your uncle Mike, when we were kids, you got a basement, with a TV, real-to-reel, couches, a box of condoms, a refrigerator, filled a beer, where are you going?

And I started thinking about my words, and I'm like, Joey, it's time for me to fucking fuck up. You know, like, I'm fucking up. So I started trying to fall in love with this house. And it's perfect for me. I got the bathroom down here. I can take a shower in the morning.

I got the garage. I got the fucking basement. I got my cable. I can do whatever the fuck I want that. That's what Donald's smoking. That's what it is to fucking be old, I guess. I don't know. This is the last thing I want it for me.

The last thing I want is to be on this chair at 7 o'clock when Jeopardy comes on. Four of the six, I'm already putting sneakers on. Even with the bad knee, I'll get in the fucking, car and sit in the driveway and put an hour mother. I do not want to sit in this motherfucker until at least 9 o'clock. But what are my options?

You want me to get in the car and go for a ride and sit at some bar I don't want to be at or end up at fucking a strip club and I really don't want to be at. I feel like a relic in those places. So do the best thing. You know, I was hoping to have this fixed. Like, you've got to give me

the app to have the guy come over and have the pictures up. We're going to fix this again. You're going to get new couches. I guess you want to get out of it. It's going to be sad when you get rid of this couch. That's perfect for you. Make everything. I got books next door. Thank God for Bob Lillinger's. I got two computers. I got a lap one. Where do you want me to go? Now where do you want me to go to a restaurant? Hey, how are you doing? Hey, how you do you go buy? Yeah, give him a drink. Fuck you. Fuck you

That's never been me Walking a restaurant Some Arab fucking What's those restaurants in Mid Jersey With the chubby chicks And belly dances And I'm supposed to be having a great time Oh yeah

They have them all over They try to be New York clubs And they're in the ooh And they're dancing And a bunch of guys With a giant shirt on What are you doing? What are you doing?

What are you doing? They got these weird fucking bars in New Jersey And anytime I want to see Nick or George We gotta go out to eat That's not fun That's not social life We gotta go out to fucking eat And I was like how many eat

Every week you got oh my God I went to this restaurant And Albury's side Listen take that restaurant And show up your mother's ass I got a backlog A 2,000 fucking restaurants And you want to fill me in with some other shitty

fucking restaurant because they gave you a towel in the beginning. You know, I don't give a fuck. That's a nice towel, though. No, but it's the truth. It's like, we don't have enough time. If you think I want to go out three nights a week and drink wine and make believe I'm so, my God, I saw Planky Blaners. What is that show?

Pecky Blaners. I saw it. Oh, my God. It was, that's not me. I don't even hear in those fucking places. When I go to those places, I want a TV to be on, so I have to talk because I can't hear it. Right. You won't watch a game or something. You know, I make believe I'm watching the game.

I'm sitting there thinking about eating ass and fucking mugging somebody when I was 12, just looking straight ahead so nobody will talk to me. If there was a place like a club or whatever that was like 10 to 15 minutes from here, would you go out three or four nights a week? Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. But again, it's a club that's down here. How many people want to see me four or five nights a week?

They don't. So there's a couple locations around here. But it's a long drive for you. Like a Wednesday, once a month. I put a call to the guy last week. So we talked a little bit. He's got a show running in there now. But he goes, I'm going to try to get rid of him.

And put you in here. But yeah, I would do things like that. But again, me doing a show now is not what it used to be. Like, I can care less about 3,000 people. I like to do a show with 80 people and a bunch of comics and we could sit afterwards smoke pot and talk about our set. That's what I meant to.

Nerdy. Nerdy shit. That's what comedy's about. You have to do the nerdy work before you start doing theaters and all that shit. How come in that set work? What words do you use? You know, break somebody else to set down

and see what attracted you to that person as a comedy fucking whatever, you know? I don't know. That's great. And I think that. That's what, like, if you, I don't know, if you chose, like, we've talked about you doing, not like an open mic, but like a booked, like booking that. Like, like, if you had some comics that you saw at the, at the dojo or wherever, and you wanted to bring people, I think that'd be great. I was, did you ever watch the bear?

There's something that was part of it, but there's probably, it doesn't matter any kitchen. They have something apparently that's called like a stash. Like you go and you intern in the kitchen for a week And like they learned a shit ton And like Every week it probably wouldn't be the same comics But like if a comic could spend Two shows with you

Or like even just a show and like prepare the day before Have a writing session the day before And another writing session the day after Like that would be great Because like at every stage of my career I've like just been so. lost. And like I learn a little bit, but like even I'm completely lost. And I would love to have like guy, like,

if I told you something, you're not going to believe this. You're supposed to be lost. That sucks. I didn't give you a job. When you're up on stage, it's you and a microphone. That's it. That's the thing about it's like being born. Your mom, your mom pushes you out of a little stinky pussy. And there you are without the ambibiblical cord. other side of the room, get your dick washed when you come out. That's it. That's it. This is what it is. I could teach you we just spoke about that. I could give you a book, a book, in my opinion,

of step by step. It's never going to work like that for you. It's never going to work like that. Oh, yeah. I know that, yeah. And I'm not saying. No, you know, I totally get it. I'm saying that in 20 years, 30 years, you're going to write a play-by-playbook, and you're going to try to give it to somebody it's going to help you 40%. 40%. You learn from fucking getting on stage whether it's a pizza parlor,

you know, because I love that I was doing comedy eight years and had a couple good shows one week and now you're walking a little like, you know, HBO should be calling any day now like shit. And you walk into like a pizza place. You would usually kill that. Every other comic does great, but you eat a bag of dick, you know.

I hate when that happens. And it happens. And that's how you learn. You're not going to learn from me. There's nobody, there's nothing I can teach you that's going to teach you a detour. There's nothing I can teach you that's going to, there's no fucking comedy book that I can put out that's going to make you overcome Lee Swah. First. No, no, no.

And you know what's funny? That's not even the worst one now. I'm not even goofing on you. No, I know you're not. I know you're not. You never thought in that whole book. When you go home that night, you're going to go fucking Lee Swat. Where the fuck did you write that?

I would write a chat. I'm nowhere near writing a book, but if I was going to write one, I would write a thing, how to react? I've been brought up as Zach. I've, dude, it's like. Yeah, it's just Zach. You know, there's no last name. It was. It was.

Like, dude, but that's, I would add that to my thing. And if that's the one thing that people learned from me, then maybe they'd be ready for it. Because no one, no one ever told me that I would be brought up as Lee Swat with the, with the lights on, with the girl I was talking to in the front row with my mom in the crowd. This is why comedy is so fucking unique, okay? This is why comedy is so fucking unique. framing. These are things that you don't learn by reading or there's a master book. You have to

tell them, George. Guess what, Joey? I cut this fucking thing two inches too fucking long. Guess what? When it costs you a day of labor, $200 out of your pocket, you learn. Yeah. That's, I can't repay you for that. That book I wrote, I told you, follow these steps. You're going to go home and go, where the fucking, do you go from mispronouncing your name? Or, or, hey, Lee, what are you doing, sad? I run a show. It starts at 10.30. I could probably put you up like fifth. I'll give you 15 minutes. Really? Yeah. You, the idiot, you are, you over by your mom,

Paisha, fucking George, Nick. instead of just treading the waters by yourself down there and that's what we've all done that. Hey, people always ask me when I have a show, let me invite them to this bar. And now here they are. They're dressed in their Friday best. Lee's going to go down there.

He's going to go up at 9.30 and they're already planned. They're going to go to get pasta with the cheese. That sounds good. They already made so many plans. And you get there and all of a sudden fucking, Tim Dillon shows up. He does an hour. There goes your restaurant reservation.

Now you're more concerned about that than the set because you're worried about these six idiots that you should have never invited. You should have kept your fucking mouth shut. Let me come with you. Because that's going to happen. There's not, in my 10th chapter page of the book, it's not going to describe the feeling you have.

And now by the time it's time for you to go up there, you're going to eat a bag of dick. How about you go to the comedy store on a Sunday you get passed? They don't even have to call your agent. Mitzie passes you. And Monday you tell all your friends, I got passed at the store and shit. I got a spot tonight at 1045 like a motherfucker. And all these idiots, your neighbors, the girls you're trying to fuck. And you get down there.

And Eddie Griffin's already on two hours. And it's looking like he's going to get off. You brought 11 people. You brought people from your building. People that got to get up. Now you're all sitting there. You can't buy them all a drink because they'll bankroll you.

And let me at least buy you. You got to hide from them. Come in every 30 minutes. You know. You can't even do that. You can't even go. You can sneak to the club and be like, I'm going up in two.

And then when there's two people left on a quarter of two, I look up and go, Lee, you ready to come up here? And you're like, no, really? Yeah. That happened to me. I got back to the company store. The whole building came. I opened my fucking mouth.

Oh, we'll come. 10.45, we'll be there. I had 30 people in there. Eddie Griffin was a two fucking. He ended up doing four hours and finally called my name in a quarter of two. And I was basically drowning in my house. tears. Your first spot on at the store. And this is how there's not a book to describe that. No. And there's not a book to describe that feeling until it happens to you.

It's how. Oh my God. That you was on stage for four hours? We just sat there. And I had to sit in the room because I want to be ready. Yeah. So they all left. They walked around the hallways and talked to people. I had to sit there like a talking ugly chick on the problem. Just sit there. Did you give him the light at all? No, you can't give any Griffin the light. He's the fucking on TV show.

Jesus. He was on a TV show at the time. There's no light. There's four hours. It was Missy Shaw. What if you go to the lap factory and Chappelle's doing four out? At least you feel better because one of the girls

that comes in and goes, at least you get to see Chappelle. Shut the fuck up, bitch. He came here to see me. Fuck Chappelle. And now you hate Chappelle for the rest of your life. Oh, I'm sure. You'll hate him because he bumped you for four hours.

So now people go, hey, you see Chappelle Special? Fuck that motherfucker. You know, why? Don't you like him? I got personal reasons. What happened? No, because you don't even understand. I'm even not, I'm nowhere close to getting past at the store.

And just the idea of someone running the light by three hours and 45. At what point did you just give up and just like sit in your kid? All those dudes used to run the line. like Andrew. Oh. The other fucking prick. They used to run four or five hour lights, man. And people'd be there.

I remember the one dude had a show in a Sunday at night. And he got all these comics to do 15 minutes a piece. He didn't put the first comic on until 11.15. And he made all those comics bring people? No, no. He sold out to show himself. But he told these young comics, come on down. Let me give you 15 in front of my audience.

He didn't fucking put them. up till 11.15. Jesus. After he went up. That book doesn't prepare you for that. That's why I tell people, do your time. It's very important that you're a respectful comic, no matter how big you get. No matter how big you get. You've got to be respectful comic and respect to other comics. I never ran the light at this fall. I never got a warning. In fact, I get ready to get out of there early.

Those people that the light comes on, they've brought you the light. three minutes. Let me tell you one more thing. Motherfucker. Get the fuck off that stage, bitch. Yeah. That's the problem we have. We don't have people that'll go, yo, get the fuck off the stage. I've never run into that. Now there's nice people. Yeah, people don't

be nice. People run the light and it gets around but it's like two minutes, five minutes. Like, that's like probably the most. I have a friend, a dear friend that loves running the light. I won't use them. I love him and I know he needs some money.

But because he runs the light constantly. And I told him that he, okay, since you don't care, there's no money coming from Papa. I can put him on all my shelves. I love him that much, but he won't stop running the fucking light. Done. That's the most disrespectful thing you could do. Yeah.

You know, I came up in Seattle where they had a five-minute light, and by six minutes you had to be off the fucking stage. If that light turns to seven You got a month suspension Good And if you were in the contest You got disqualified They're even more strict

Like now contests are like If you go over by like five seconds Yeah It's like not even it's six fucking minutes Yeah they want Wrap it up at 530 bitch Give them a hard You know

Open up with a minute The second minute You go into your fucking Monster bit And I'd rather you leave on that Then tread the light and let them laugh. Let them...

In front of a contest, the judge is all going to remember is that last fucking thing anyway. But we'll talk about that some other time. I'm not a contest comic. We play for real. We ain't playing for no contest. In front of five partial judges.

Two of the judges know the comic from the comedy club. All of them? Yeah, so I'm not doing that. I don't play that shit. But anyway, where are you at this week? Batavia, Illinois. The comedy vault. Batavia, Josh Wolf, January 22nd to 20th.

That's where part you're flying into? Oh, here. Yeah, it is. You have no idea. I'm just cry. Oh, and sometimes the ice is slippery, and the plane goes right into the back gate. Right.

You know that does in Chicago all the time. Thank you very much. You should call me tomorrow night. Are you connecting flights? No. Thank God. You got to go to Chicago and then driving out? Yeah.

Ooh, all right. Five shows, three of them already sold out. It's going to be a lot of fun. I'm really excited. You eat mushrooms this Friday? Yes. You see the bags of mushroom? Yes.

He sent it to me. Yeah, he said that was the craziest picture I've ever seen. When we don't eat mushrooms on a Friday, fire him, send him home. He goes, why? I go, because he's part of a family. He's got to eat mushrooms. And more than last semester. The semester.

I was last semester when you're doing a gram and a ham. I need honey. I need honey. Fuck, no. This time you're eating three, and they ain't. No, honey, right? The bees. First of all, it was two.

And, yes, honey was nice. No more fucking honey. Me, I'm going to be at the dojo Thursday night. If my knee allows, if not, I'll go down there with a wheelchair and fucking, I can't keep going up and down. So I'm only doing one set of Ruski at the end of something. And then we got staten eye on the week after the 31st at the St. George theater tickets are still available. Go to the St. George website, not the other fucking website. and hit me up,

show you the tickets of $800 because you're on fucking, fuck me in the ass ticket sales. Instead of just going to the St.

George Theater. Where's the show? The St. George Theater. Why would you go buy a link anything fucking else? It's on Ticketmaster.

Ticketmaster. Whatever the fuck. And it's at the St. George Theater, but if you go to the Ticket Master apps, those are going to be the legit tickets.

Right away, you want to go to another page and it. Who told you? Who told you to go there? Who told you to go there? Nobody told you to go that. What's a performance?

What's he performing St. George Theta? All right. Let me type in the St. George Thet. Let's see what's going on over there. You know what I'm saying? Is that how you go through the internet? Good to see you, Coxsuck. Good to see you, buddy.

Ready for a nice cheeseburger, a nice bowl of pasta with shrimp. Always. Let's do this shit. I love you guys. Sorry about the voodoo lounge. Hopefully I'll have better news for you next week. We won't have to cut this motherfucker on Friday or something. And that's it.

I love you, Coxuckers. Thank you for watching. Say good nightly. Good nightly.