Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - From beyond the grave, Happy Birthday!

Episode Date: September 30, 2025

Joey Diaz sends the worst birthday card ever and plans his own funeral. SHOW NOTES Support the show and get 15% off your Bioma order with the code JOEY at https://gobioma.com/church

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. Rubsted, Savage, Mr. Lee, Boom, Boom, Syatt, the director from Isbiel, Israel. It's another new episode of the church of what's happening now. New Testament coming at you. It's September the 30th. It's over. Rent Day tomorrow and you're still looking at yourself thinking, what am I going to do? You know what I'm saying?

I know what you're going to do. Nothing. What's up, dog? Good to see you, dude. Good to see you. Very interesting weekend. I know. Very interesting all the way around.

People mad about comments going to Riyadh. wherever they're going over to Saudi Arabia. Did they call you? Huh? Do they call you? Oh, every day they called me to go to Saudi. Are you fucking kidding me? I would love to see you at that festival.

No, you wouldn't because they have a list of rules. What are the rules? I don't know. You can't say much. Listen, all I learned about this was online and comics hating. You know, people hate and why are they going on? Listen, man, they're going to pick up an envelope. A big one.

A big one. Okay? Your butt's hurt. Because you're not picking up an envelope. I don't know what to tell you. Is it against American policy? Is it like, I don't know. Would I go, me?

I'm scared because I get to Saudi Arabia and the steak don't taste like steak. I'm getting back on the plane. That's why I don't travel because I'm scared. I already went to Jamaica one time. And on the car ride, I remember looking at the chickens and they were skinny as fuck. And I'm like, I'm not eating that shit.

And I remember going to a hotel and everything looked bad. I was shooting a movie and everything was inclusive. Right. Everything was bad. And I'm like, where else can I eat? And I'm like, no, we got to go right now. We're leaving. I left.

They fired me. They fired. I got to be honest, they have oil money. I think the steaks are going to taste great. I think you're going to, the bacon's going to suck. There's no bacon. Like I saw a picture, Chappelle come in and somebody hands them something to drink. If that's a hummus shot, I got to throw it right back in their face.

I can't eat that. That's against policy. Do you really think they walk around giving people hummish? I don't listen. I don't know. They might. The problem with everything now is that everybody's got a fucking opinion and everybody's got a complaint.

You know, you can't go on YouTube no more. YouTube, my first page of YouTube is a fucking cry fest. Of who's selling out, who's woke, who's anti-woke, this comedy scene in Austin. It's, and everybody's hating. Nobody's popping anybody up. Nobody's going, hey, man, this is what's going on. It's just 15 videos of fucking, you know, how everybody's doing everything wrong.

Well, it's sad, but, like, you put up a video that says a comic gives love to all of his favorite comics and get six views, put up a video, so-and-so is a pedophile, or whatever, like, that's going to get 8 million views. That's just, it's the way it works. But, listen, man, people say shit on YouTube that they shouldn't.

Yeah. There's a lot of people overstepping. I don't know what people call them. Young kids call it something. Staying out of getting in your lane or something? No, when you put a video up and it really takes you somewhere else or something. Oh, clickbait?

Something like that. I don't even know what it means. There's a couple of those expressions. Right. I just thought, it's like when you see an article and it goes, UFC fighter, but they show a picture, John Jones. Gets in trouble. And then you click it, and it's really some fucking white kid in Iowa

that got a DUI. Right, yeah. I don't know, you know, that type of shit. They do a lot of that. But still, it's, my point is everybody's got a fucking opinion now. So everybody's going to have, and it seems like lately in the world we live in today, people have more bad opinions than good things to say, especially on the internet. There's never, you know, it's, it's, and then if you do get good stuff,

there's always that one guy that throws a curb ball out you that you're like, where does this come from? Like, where's this come from? mad about something from, like, years ago. Where does come from me? You're like, okay, they're mad at that. But, like, you know, I just, I just learned about the Riyadh festival. Right. It was funny because I saw a big agent Saturday night.

And I looked at him, I'm like, how come into that Riyadh? He goes, I'm not going over there. He goes, why, do you want to go next year? And I was like, I don't think so. I got no passport. That honestly, dude, that must have saved you so. I mean, I know it sucks. You can't go to some places.

But just to not even have. have that on your radar must be great because people they've done some crazy it's like not a good place to take money from but they're also giving people like they had that golf league that was

like hundreds of millions of dollars the soccer guy they gave a billion dollars to 500 million they gave them yeah 500 million and that's nothing for them oh yeah that's a piggy bank in there under the fucking table they forgot about there's no budget for anything and I'm going to be honest with you

Is it our Abu Dhabi And I know you probably don't know But is Abu Dhabi and Dubai Are these all the same places? Dog, I got an effing geography I don't know where you're asking me this shit Because who's the one that's sponsoring the NBA

That's Saudi Arabia too And that's Riyadh And like they're on every NBA Like every NBA floor Has Saudi Arabia and I don't I would love to have everyone thinks they have morals

but I have to be honest if I got offered a $200,000 check to do stand-up I'm that's kind of hard it's hard to turn down I'd like to think I would remember we discussed

a couple months ago for weeks the moment before listen there's look at what's the guy who's dating the blonde check from Kansas City. Oh. Football player, Travis Kelsey.

Yeah. He got paid $10 million for an Ozmpic shop. Okay. I want you guys to think about that. Even at home, $10 million. You're sitting there. Some guy calls you $10 million to put your face on those Zempick. I don't know.

Listen, I'm not talking about COVID vaccines. I don't want nobody to think. I'm doing out misinformation. We're just talking here. We're just talking with all the good and bad in the world that's going on with COVID and the vaccine. He took $10 million. What would you do? Now, if you were a guy that was making, you know, $100,000 a year, that's one thing.

But this guy's been getting paid, okay? And at the middle of all that, he stopped. And, you know, some people call selling their soul. I don't know what he's got going on. Maybe he's got a mother that's sick. You know, I know she's not. Maybe because that's a mom that used to go to two games in one day. Like she was driving and then fly.

You know, I don't know what's going on there. Maybe he's got a niece with autism. Maybe he's got a nephew in a wheelchair. I don't fucking know. And that's what we don't know before we are fucking assume or what the fuck is going on. I mean, half of the comics on that list have more money than God. You think so.

So I can't imagine what they're giving them, what they're giving them. But people have to, this is what the world we live in. People are pissed about the Haktua girl. We get pissed about anybody who It's like that thing that they talked about In Godfather of Harlem When they started their black thing

Their own black mafia And he goes, you know, it's like black people And they should have said black people Because this is everybody You know, once you're in a crew And the crab that's trying to get out of bucket They pull them down And that's what it seems like to me

On the internet these days Like I saw saw something maybe two weeks ago about music. This is fucking Led Zeppelin. I just went to put Led Zeppelin on on YouTube. You know, sometimes you hit the bar and it rolls up by mistake

and it rolled up and it was like these guys suck. They wouldn't make it around today. And I'm like, why would you, that's Led Zeppelin. Even Led Zeppelin gets hate mail. Yeah. So if Led Zeppelin gets fucking hate mail,

what does that tell you? Hey, you should feel lucky to get hate mail. I mean, these guys put out nine albums, 10 albums. I don't know how many albums they've sold. They had a song that they stole. It's controversial. They got away with it. You know, I don't know how many kids got buried to stairway to heaven.

From 1975 to 1990, every time you went to a wake, at least in Hudson County, they had stairway to heaven on. No, they didn't. Yes, they did. A million kids have died and stairway to heaven. When my mom died, I played it. It's just a natural. stupid fucking thing you do.

Is that? That was the number one most requested song in the country for probably 22 or 23 years. I get on the radio but at a wake

seems a little inappropriate. I had motherfuckers that put kiss on it away. They don't give a fuck this. That's in county, motherfuckers. Jews do it very differently.

Go to a Cuban way. They got a salsa band. Not on salsa album. They got three Cubans with conga drums fucking on a Moroccan people are dancing and you're like,

It's a fucking deathbed, but guess what? Not a bad idea. No, they're having fun. Because how sad can you beat them? I sit there and cry when half-dressed women are playing and, you know, people are sweating and shit. Jeez, I don't know, I hate that I'm asking you this, but I feel like you're going to have a yes. Have you started planning? Like, do you have a plan for your funeral?

Yeah, I want them to burn me. Oh, Jesus. Right in the little box and then we'll give out packages. We'll have I told my wife I want a like a little ceremony Where you give out of the ash to everybody And They get to take home like a mask card

But it's a picture of my balls On the mask card Two fucking balls in my prime So you'll always remember who the fuck I was The documentary balls are like Not this ugly face, not the no teeth Not the Trump ear None of that shit

Not my pigeon toe Not my fungi toe You're gonna go home and have to put that on your refrigerator Two fucking Cuban nuts with that birthmark in the middle. How you like me now, even from the grave, I'm haunting you motherfuckers. I'm getting a thousand of those.

So they're going to be collect these items also. That is going to be nice. Are you going to sign any? No, I'm just going to give them out. But there's only going to be like 500 of them. It's like having a credit card from Dan, from what's that restaurant? We go to Brooklyn.

What's the joint, the steakhouse? Where you walk over the bridge? Lugers, yeah. Peter Lugers. Peter Lugers. You ever got a Peter Lugar credit card? I haven't been there yet. That's when you know you're a bad motherfucker

when you throw that card down and go, what? You know, have you heard, like, some celebrities, they've figured out so their wives get flowers every week? I like the ball card idea, but knowing you, you should have, like, you should give, like, this company money, be like, just send them out to these lists of, like, these addresses. Because can you imagine people getting it in the mail a card, and it's your balls, like 10 years?

Geniusly. Just still. Or, like, fucking Federal Express. on your door. Yeah. When you're in the shower, don't, don't,

don't, don't, ding, bang, and you open, it's a picture of my nuts from beyond the grave. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. That's genius.

That's, bro, we should start that company. That was the company and things are doing them when you're dead. You put tapes down, and then when your grandkids grow old and they want advice from you,

you go down there, you put the tapes on. Right. And they showed the one guy, listen, treat women like, shit like I treated your grandmother. They're all pieces. And you're fucking.

But this one is just pictures of your balls. That's it. Everybody. Can you imagine it's your birthday? And you get one of those Federal Express at your doors with my balls. Happy birthday from Beyond the Grave. That's the fucking card. Let me tell you something. That'll send you into fucking hysteria. He's still

alive. He's like that Cuban woman. He's in Cuba. She finally died. The chick that shot the cop. Two bucks there She was hiding in Cuba Damn, I had no idea She was hiding How long she'd been hiding there?

70 fucking years And they couldn't even go down there and get around What was that to tell you? That's fucked up 70 years in Cuba But yeah, all those things I don't, you know I don't want to plan my funeral

No It's boring It's fucking But you want people to be alive like I went somewhere the other night I went somewhere that should have been alive I went to a comedy show and I walked in the back and it was like a Netflix shooting

and it was like a fucking church and I had two joints of moon rock in my pocket and I took about 20 minutes of that disaster and I fucking asked one of the camera guys I go you got a liar? He goes yeah you can't smoke in here I go dog it's a fucking Morgan here

we got to set the herb man free I just started smoking. People were looking at me. I had three heads. I was clapping by myself. Like an idiot. I took two of those fucking 500 milligrams from in the cloud. I had a thousand milligrams in me.

I went to the first show and then I shot over the fucking Smith and Wollenski. And I devoured a split green pea soup with croutons in it. Then I fucking dug into the fucking steak. I had some tuna tart talk. It wasn't bad, but it's not my favorite, but it was good. I wanted the protein, you know what I'm saying? I'm not in about. I'm an old man.

I need protein. And I got the fucking steak. And I smoked another moon rock, and I went back up there. And then things got deep, and I told the driver, let's go, motherfucker. And that was it. I was home by 1115 Saturday night. I had a way for Mercy. Mercy went to Great Adventure.

And she got home at, like, midnight. I'm like, fuck, with 12-year-old to get home at midnight. What did I do wrong? You had a way for it. I'm going to check her eyes, make sure she's not drinking and shit, you know. Oh, she went with just her friends? Yeah, like 10 of them, 10 little 8-year-old. Did you check her eyes?

Oh, fuck, yeah. I want to see when she walks in the door. I want to see that she's not disheveled. You know, I want to make sure because like that, if somebody does say something to me, I can go, oh, she's right. She walked in here like O.J. After he killed his wife, well, fucked up. Eyes all over the goddamn place.

See, I can't have that. Eyes like O.J. No, you got to wait for your kid. And I have to let her know now that I'm going to be awake every time she walks in that fucking door. So I got to set a president today, not tomorrow, not threatening with it. I didn't mind that she was out until midnight. Listen, what's the option?

She's going to sit in that fucking room and watch Brooklyn 9-9 until midnight, then come down and watch the honeymooners until one with me. I rather, she's only going to learn about life if I kick her out of the fucking house. Right. You know, to a degree. Her mother wasn't with her. A mother had her own problems. Was this the first time?

My wife got a fucking teeth yanked out. She wasn't leaving the goddamn house at all. I got to keep bringing her back Carvel milkshakes. Because that's all she could eat for two days. Did you get one for yourself? The first day I went. I got a 12-pound small, thin. And he's the owner, the Chinese guy.

He knows what to make a shake. Nice. Velvet. See, I finally found my first thick one in the city. But I don't want to leave the mercy stuff. Was this the first time that you had to wait up for her? I was nervous about it all night because I knew, first of all, she was punished.

So when she came to me, she goes, dad, a bunch of girls are going to go, and I go, listen, you got a fucking deferred sentence. Which means if you fuck up, again, I'm going to bang you out with the two weeks. I'm going to add another two weeks. And I'm going to take your phone. I'm going to jump up and down on top at 80 times. So note, that's the fucking punishment.

if you fuck with me again, okay? So you could go, go have a good time. I offer the money. She goes, no, I got my own cash. She's out of her mind. She went down there. But when she came home, she had like a ripped shirt, like she was a spooky Halloween character.

I don't, listen, I don't ask. I just look for scratches and shit. I look at the nails to see if there was blood in them, whatever the fuck. Because God knows. So I just had, listen, I believe in that shit. I know how I grew up, and I wish there would have been somebody there most,

nights, they would do surprise attacks. So I would always, and in those days, you come home, you're like, fuck. I just wasted that vizine for nothing. And some C.K. Colon or something, because you got to put cologne on, C.K. You got to think out a little bit of, and you couldn't get Listerine in small bottles then. Bonaca or scoped, scope. Right. And I wouldn't even spit it out.

I just drink it because you know it's in your fucking testicles, whatever the fuck is. Yeah, but then I also, like, doesn't that also just prove your, you're guilty? Like, why else you're coming home smelling like mouthwash it to in the morning? I did always. Oh, no, every kid does it. It's just... But who the fuck knows? But you have to be prepared if they're awake. Yeah, my house is real bright right now. Sometimes she knew I drank. So I could always blame it on, but she also knew I wasn't a drinker. She knew it from watching. Your mom? Yeah, she's watched the refrigerator. There's no beer's missing in my house. There's no alcohol missing. Every once in a while, somebody'd come over and I go, you want to pour some out and

pour water in it or something, you know. Right. But no, I wasn't a drinker, so she trusted me with that. So if I had booze on my breath, she didn't give a fuck. She knew I only had one beer. And then she told me, put the toilet next to your fucking bed because you're going to puke. Because she knew I was an alcohol puker.

Oh, damn. That was the giveaway. I always got sick. And you were 15 when your mom passed? Yeah, 16. So it was like two years before that I drank. One night, I went to that kid who was here. I told you to Villow and they were drinking.

out of the garbage can and I fucking woke up in a lawn a block and a half from his house and I got woken up by a cop that we used to play basketball with that was a great man but he wore colored socks in the 70s that was a no-no

in our neighborhood if you had sneakers on like these idiots today that you see with sandals on and colored socks that's a beating in North Bergen that was a beat how severe ever beaten

just a couple smacks to the face and go home and put the right socks off because even the high school threw you out because in those days, they said if you cut your foot, the ink from the sock would leak into the cut and you die. Right. So the fucking school even had a rule. No color fucking socks.

So like Spanish kids, they didn't want to do gym, so they wear like the Puerto Rican socks, like the guinea socks with the fucking strings and shit. No gym, you get an app for the day. Hey, you weren't allowed to wear those shit. Now people wear black socks up their ear with flip-lops. 20 years ago, they call you in an alley. Come in a little.

I want to give you something. And just want to make sure I under it, it's white socks. White socks, always. So he used to, whenever he wore black socks, we would foul him. That was our thing. Whenever he wore the black socks, I know, because they're young. They don't fucking know the rules. I've always worn black socks.

Yeah, I know. The white ones get all stained. Yeah, I know. I've worn always worn black. I got a pus stain by my pink fungi toenail. You got a pus stain on your toe? It's a joke. It's a joke.

I don't think it is a joke. It's a joke. But anyway, we play and he wear the black. socks, we'd foul him, heavy duty. Under the basket, we'd all jump on them, a karate chop and shit. So he got the hint. He started wearing white socks. But he picked me up. He woke me up at 6 in the morning on Richie Sonsullo's lawn. And said what? You're fucking drunk, Coco. You have to go home. You put me in the cop car. He knocked on my door. And my mother answered the fucking door and she what happened. I picked her up, picked them up on a lawn. And my mother smelled

the alcohol and the whole fucking deal. Are you going to be... Because, like, my... I grew up in a very strict house. Like, none of that was cool. And then, like, I mean, you are who you are. Like, what if she came home smelling

like something? If I came home? No, what if she came home? Like, how strict are you going to be? Are you going to, like, is she allowed to drink? I mean, what are you... Now she's way too young, I would imagine, but... Let me explain something to you.

The children that are out today. at least in my neighborhood and when I talk to parents these kids don't do much they're not looking at it like we did it's not kids today aren't growing up with drugs around

like kids and like in my town a lot of parents smoke pot don't smoke they take gummies right that's in the 70s it was mother's little helper you know what I'm saying so that drinking shit ain't isn't like here remember i grew up in a place where right across that fucking bridge i get whatever i want at whatever fucking time i want that's a very

ugly concept to have in your mind when you're right here and you're 10 minutes away from the most outrageous city in the world at that time i know from peep shows to alcohol to drugs on the street to the village. You had this Central Park, McSawley's Alehouse, the Washington Square Park. You had this whole thing where it was drug kind of ridden in those days, you know? I'm not saying there's no drugs in New York City. There's tons of fucking drugs.

But it's not in your face no more. Like, the kids are not. I've heard that drinking's down for sure. Drinking's down. Drinking's down. I guarantee vaping and smoking pots got to be up at that age. I don't know. I'm not a fucking whatever, but.

But there's, I mean, there's always going to be, like, people are going to find it. But yeah, I think you're right that probably stuff is on the way down. But she's going to, everyone experiments. Listen, she's getting exposed to it right now. Yeah. Okay. The best thing I'm doing right now, she's never seen me smoke. But she smells it.

When you're exposed to it and you see the effects, like, if she goes to school and they're like, you know, marijuana causes, narcolepsy and it causes this and it causes that and it'll make you she's sitting in the back going my fucking dad smokes every fucking day right and he's tip-top magoo he's functioning he has a job he does this he goes to the gym he talks from my mom he goes to dates with my mom I mean what the fuck so it was the same for me when I was growing up and it was even worse in the 70s of propaganda right the seven anti-smoke I had a godfather who picked me up every Saturday on his own merit, and take me to Times Square, and take me to a movie, and he'd take me to Tad Steakhouse, and he'd take me to see, like, girls dance, you know,

like even at a young age, you go, come on, you like girls, right? And I go, I don't know, yeah, he liked girls. But I all know, he always smoked. And all that happened to him was he giggled, and his eyes would get red. And then he'd go to work on Monday through Friday and pick me up on Saturdays. So for years, you hear this rhetoric of what marijuana does. to you. And I look at him and I go, I don't know what they're talking about. This guy didn't have long hair. He didn't play rock music. He, you know. Yeah, I get that. But I mean, I think there has to

be a limit somewhere. Like, you wouldn't want her smoking now, I don't think. Fuck, no, I don't ever want a smoking. I don't ever want her to do the things that I did. That's what you want for your child. Listen, in six years, she might be somewhere that she might start smoking when she 16 or 17. But I doubt it. Because she's really into athletic shit. Right. And she was telling me one time, she goes, maybe

you don't breathe good because all those years you're smoking that. You know, they listen to that shit. It's a different child today. So, you pray for the best. Right. You don't want them to get hurt and for them to get pain medication and then shoot the gap for heroin or something like this. These are things

you want to avoid, but you see them. You see them as a parent. You see him as a human being, so all I want to do is, listen, I have to accept whatever happens. But I also have to monitor what goes on in my house. I came from my house where alcohol was king. I don't drink. Don't fucking tell me. I came from my house where there was a weapon in the house all the fucking time.

I knew how to clean a gun when I was a kid. You don't see me carrying a weapon. I never shot up to school. I'm not having a violent past like that So do you understand Like this is what's made me think About when you put it in front of kids You know if I have a fucking gun

And you have to climb up and get on stairs And then open up a safe Maybe that intrigues the mind I know it would intrigue me If I get home at three And my father don't get home until five I'm gonna try to get that fucking safe Right of course

And I know George has done it We've all done it We get intrigued and we look through our parents' shit and all that stuff. But when they know you have it, like it's a big difference. I don't think I like alcohol because I was exposed to it at such an early age, at such a high fucking volume that I was like, I don't ever want to end like that. Right.

When I was 14, I would see my mother yell up for me at 8. And she would be making me breakfast or whatever. And at the same time, she'd be pouring a fucking, Heineken in tomato juice If she ate, she would do tomato juice If she didn't eat, she'd do V8 You're a fucking alcoholic I don't ever want to wake up at 8 in the morning

And I have to pour a fucking Heineken in tomato juice And fine, she was a functioning addict She was out of the house 35 minutes later In the city, fucking buying records For the album, for the bar Ordering meat, whatever the fuck. But that's not the point. I grew up

with that. Not that she was sloppy, either. There was no slop. But I grew up with that. I don't want that in my house. There's no parties in my house. You come over to eat if you want. You come over to eat. I'm never going to say to you, let's get a keg of beer. I got a kid in the fucking house. Right.

I got a kid in the house. I don't want my kid to wake up and see three people on the couch, cigarettes, fucking beer bottles. First of all, I don't like fucking beer bottles in my living room. Because somebody's going to spill it, and that shit smells like dick for two months. You ever go into a bar, and you're like, this bar smells like alcohol and mildew?

Yeah. I don't ever want that smell. I can't live with that. I'll burn that fucking out of that. So I don't want it. I don't want it to be exposed to that party life where people, you know, she's going to eventually do it,

but she knows it's there. We have neighbors who drink, and they act fucking responsibly. So these are the things, like well it's interesting because like i and it's nothing against my parents i'm probably if i'm ever a parent will be stricter but i i've seen like when i went to israel for the first time drinking was 18 not 21 and having a beer was not as big of a deal and yeah there were drunk kids but there were it wasn't as i don't know it felt like scarier and like more intense here

because you have to you have to lie to somehow get it it it I think if I was going to do it I would lean somewhere in the middle exposing them to it maybe not being as okay with it as like I don't think I'd ever be the parent who'd be like oh yeah you can come here and drink here We got YouTube Lee

You're gonna have a fucking kid And when they're seven they're gonna go on YouTube Oh I know And they're gonna accidentally find you So here's the deal You got Everybody has to react differently to the times Lee We're not living in the 70s no more

Where we were blind because I had crazy fucking parents, but everybody was blind. We didn't have the intonately, okay? There's a song by the guy who beat up to fuck another guy who was married to Carmen Elektra. That idiot was married to Carmen Lecter. He was in a band, Jane's Addiction.

James Addiction has an album, whatever. The second album is great. But the first album, it says it before the song, caught stealing. In Spanish, we have more influence with your children than you do. Okay? We have more influence with your children than you do. The musicians? Yeah. We have more access to your kids than you do. When I went to school, you went from nine to three, and you probably got home at like four,

you went to practice, your parents saw you from five to ten. That's five hours a day. You were at school, six, seven hours a day. And now the internet, you're with it 24 hours. Now you've got the internet. So even if I turn the internet off of my house, she's got a classmate that's going to tell her what was on that internet. Look at my fucking Instagram. So they're exposed to everything right now.

Oh,000 percent. It's a different fucking world. So every day when she gets up, she's going to stroll and see it, uh, fuck-o, smoking pot. Snoop Dog. Right. Because he's allowed to smoke pot on Instagram. She's not going to have those questions.

other kids. I've, you know, when I take it to the dojo and she sees you guys drinking and sees people drinking, she's watching. Right. She's watching because on the way home, she'll tell me. I introduced her to somebody five years ago when she was seven. We were talking about him one night. And she looked at him and she goes, I know what you're talking about. He's the brother who smokes. And I almost lost my mind. She likes that brother out of all of them. She likes Joe Florentine the best because he's a dad and he's got girls so he knows how to speak to mercy. They talk about the Rolling Stones

and McJagger, but she said it to me. She goes, and you should ask him to stop smoking, dad. Like, how am I going to tell a grown man to stop him? And it's amazing what sticks with kids? So she's watching. She's listening. Because of her mother and me, she can't drink. I'm allergic and the mother's Indian.

She goes off to fuck rail. You know, when my wife has three drinks in her, that's not good. The eye starts lurking, fucking feathers start coming out of her head. She gets argumentative with you. That's why I don't drink with my wife. Because it's only three drinks? I don't drink with my wife. Never will. No way. And that's why I'll tell them. When I take my wife on a date, I go, I'm the designated driver, go. And I'll fucking order her drinks until she gets lit. And she has to catch herself and shit. When she catches herself and she remembers she's a mom, then she'll stop. But I could still tell the rest of the night that she's up to something.

Like I could tell, no, no, I could tell that she drank. Her eyes, she's Indian. So her eyes get, uh, they're up to something. Her eyes are blue and they get dilated so fucking much that it's, that's how I could tell she's drinking. She don't have a drink, but she can't because she's fucking Indian. She gets sick, she starts boo-booing, rain dancing, the whole fucking deal. Let's take an interruption here for five minutes.

Uncle Joey got a party, and we got to talk to you about some special things, all right? We'll be back, Jack. What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. Listen, your gut has a massive impact on how you feel each and every day. Bioma keeps things in tip-top shape so you can feel your best, no matter what life throws your way. Biomas blend of prebiotics plus probiotics plus postbiotics helps restore healthy micro bones. Now you're going to want to give bioma a try and get things sorted down there.

Listen, I went on in about four weeks ago. I feel tipped up, McGu, all right? I go to the bathroom. I don't feel sluggish anymore. So if your gut is full of the wrong bacteria, get bioma and get it together, Jack. Listen, it's not just about a smooth regular digestion. your gut can mess with your hormone levels, energy weight management, and even lifespan. Take 15% off your Bioma order to get started.

Just click the link in our show notes and press in Code Joey, J-O-E-Y. That's code Joey, J-O-E-Y for 15% off your order when you click the link in our show notes. I want to thank Bioma for sponsoring us. They got a great product. We're back, beautiful people. What's up, dog? It was a great week, dude. It was a...

Oh, that's right. You headline last week. It was your first headline night. At the dojo, yeah. And it was crazy. Like, I was thinking about the first time I did it. I featured for another comic named Andre Kim. And it was like a couple years ago.

It was before you did any shows there. And it was just cool to, like, be on the other side. Because, like, at certain points, like, we talked about, I think last week, you know, I wish I was further along than I was. But, you know, to do that. and we had a great turnout. It was, honestly, it was, for me, pretty full. So I was very happy about that.

Everyone who did spots did great. Like, the whole, it was a long show. They were a great audience. The club was happy. So it was, you know, a very, like, just, just an amazing night. I don't know. It was.

I know, I've been there, though. Yeah. I know when those nights are special and you go home all tingling and shit, And then the next day you're at an open mic following a guy with a tuba. Oh, yeah. It's fucking great. Your life is fucking great, you know.

But I saw the pictures and I was very happy for you. Like I said, I didn't want to go because it was your night. And that's what a lot of people don't understand. Like, people go, oh, you're going to come to my show? Not really. Because as soon as you, I walk into your show, somebody's going to come up to me and ask me for a fucking picture. Whether you're on stage or not.

People have no coups. That takes the attention. People are sitting there all that. All right, Lee's here. Is he going to go up stage? Is this guy going to go on stage? You know, I learned something this weekend about comedy. Well, I learn something all the time.

And it's funny. Whenever I have a big gig now on the drive home, whether it's a big gig or a small gig, I should set it. I always think about what made me get on that stage the first fucking time. Like, what fucking possessed me to get the balls and the audacity

to think that I was funny enough to get. get on a stage like that's been the question in my head for the last seven or eight months like at 62 years old what the fuck did i do that i got to find like i never did anything right never did anything right guys never all my decisions were shit because they were drug-induced this was from somewhere completely different and i really practiced it when i was in prison of all fucking places. Like, that's when I said, I wasn't even practicing guys.

I was just going up there and goofing. They call it goofing, whatever, when you just go up there. They would just go go up there and talk to them. I would get on top of the table. There was no stage, you know. And then in there, people are like, this is what you should be doing.

I'm like, these guys are all losers. They're in a fucking federal penitentiary telling me my next career option. And they fuck, you know, it's like, and I always think of that. you should think about. What really possess me? And you're going to hit me. Everybody's like, well, I saw Richard

prior to him. No, no, no, no. What made you get in that fucking car that night? Go in there against, because it's the hardest thing you'll ever do. The first time, it's the hardest thing you'll ever do. You know, it's, it's,

what I was trying to say in the beginning of the podcast is that you have so many critics right but nobody really knows the journey, you know? Everybody's criticizing this person, this person, this comedy scene, this guy's anti-woke, this guy's art rated, this guy's plunging down, this guy's punching up, but nobody really knows the journey, and that's what pisses me all. I didn't want to talk about this, but I do have to add leverage to this because he's getting

beat up right now in the press, and I thought about it. And that's my friend Theo Vaughn, I was there Saturday night. And I told him, I was going to call you for the second show. And he goes, yeah, yeah, I want to see Lee. I got engaged him. So, you know, I spoke to him Thursday, and he said that if I wanted to come to the show on Saturday. Now, my weekends are fucking tough, guys. I got no time for fucking comedy.

I don't have time for myself to do comedy a Friday. I have a family. And whatever their decision is first is what I have to do. Because for seven years, my decisions were first. I'm going here. I'm going there. And there's my wife and my daughter is stuck. At least now I give everybody the opportunity.

If they want to hang, they can hang. When my daughter said she was going a great adventure on Saturday, I go, that's one down. What does my wife want to do this? When I go out to dinner, she's like, no, I'm not going to be able to eat. I got no teeth and I can't drink because of the pain pills. I'm going around the corner of my girlfriend's house, you know, one of the neighbors, and I'll come back later. That's what made me go over there. Now, I don't know if people understand the process of stand-up comedy.

Again, number one, you don't pull up through an open mic in the Maserati. That's number one. And number two, it's not the world of glamour. And then for six or seven years, we bang it out in places that you wouldn't take your fucking mother to. I mean, granted, the dojo is nice, but you've been in some holes late night to the fucking shit holes. I saw one the other night when I was in the city.

I was just walking up the corner to meet the car. And I'm like, this is a comedy club I hear about it. This is a fucking dump. I wouldn't come here. But that's where you perform at first. And all of a sudden, somebody takes you on the road. You end up somewhere and you're in front of 3,500 people in the theater. You're like, what the fuck is this?

And then you get into a bigger theater. And now you're back on your own doing comedy. What I'm trying to say is there's no cameras around. There's no cameras around. When you add camera to stand up, it's a different animal. and some people could rise to the occasion and some people can't like myself but I'm honest enough to say that

I don't like a camera because to me I still see a brick wall a microphone and 200 people and smoke I don't see what everybody else sees everybody oh my god this theater I don't give a fuck it's four fucking walls and a fucking exit

and you could get shot in here like the people at Batman okay so you know what I'm saying I'm not impressed you want to impress me motherfucker Take the wheel, okay? So that's where I'm coming from. But people don't know the journey. And now we have a different thing in comedy.

And that's called corporate world. So before you read the stuff about Theo Vaughn and what happened, and he bombed, I want you to think a corporate world when you're an edgy comic and how they'll tell you along the way, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, until you get closer to the date and then they change the game plan on you. And now you feel a little weird. And I'm not saying this happened to Theo.

Listen, people have bad nights in comedy all the fucking time. I'm the king of them. I'm not ashamed to say it, but at least I'll tell you. Don't blow smoke up my... That's the greatest... Don't make me fucking poke you in the eye. Because you need glasses. I was on that stage.

I think the corporate... I know I couldn't handle it. I mean, you were there with me for the degenerates. Was that normal to you? Was that fucking normal to you? Hold on. I've been waiting for... I've been writing for eight months, writing for eight months to get this material out of my head,

and you're telling me that camera one isn't working. What the fuck? Stand over here, so this camera could get you as you're going, bitch, bitch, I just want to get on stage and say, hold on one second. Microphone three went down. I want you to polish those emotions for a second. What's something that you love to do? maybe have sex

and all of a sudden somebody stops and says, did I ever tell you the story about my brother got hit with a car? Well, you know, you might as well, I might as well put my dick away because this ain't going to even work after this fucking story.

That's what that is. You know, we're living in a world now. You think these podcasts, I can come on here and say what I want to say anymore? You guys ever wake up in the morning and this podcast is 28 or over? Oh, yeah. We're living in a world.

in a corporate world. And some people could work well in it. And some people can't. And most people can't, especially comics. They don't know what they're going to say. They don't know what comes out of their mouths. When we're up there and we're dying and you got a gun to my head, I can either do good or fucking do bad. You know, when we went to Florida, that was a tough night for you. That's 8,000 eyes. And you fucking came through. But I want you to think about that. You went up on stage in front of 8,000 eyes. If I would have told you that before you went on stage, that's like

calling your Lee Swat. You know what I'm saying? Like, some people do do that though. People go come up to you right before a show like they have like a lot of people, huh? People do that. They want to shit in your pain on your leg. I don't want to have wrong with people who shit on your piss on your leg. There's a time to piss on

people's legs. There's a time not to piss on people's legs. Yeah. First of all, I don't want to know what's out there either. No. I don't need to No, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck if I sell out or not. I'm there to do comedy. That's what we all get it wrong.

You're there to fucking be funny for an hour. So the more shit you eliminate, you said something to me before, that you eliminate stuff. I said, we were talking about a subject. You said, that was smart of you, that you've eliminated that. It's like when I got the comedy, I knew I wasn't going to be on a letterman to the tonight show. Out! Out! I'm not going to work that clean.

But show we Listen By the time I get to go Where I'm going There'll be a different platform That's exactly what happened Right Some people do good

I can't fucking do something I know for the React Comedy Festival Bro it's a country that fucking If you don't wear a barker They throw you in jail For 15 fucking years Right

If you don't put that thing around your face Right If they catch you doing something It's a fucking nightmare So you're gonna let me go over there And talk about Oh we'll probably be happy if I do my gay bits

because they hate gay people. Right. If you're gay, they kill you over there. I mean, they don't even play. Right. You can't show up with a pelican on your shirt. Don't just stab you. That shit is done. They don't even tolerate. Oh, it's amazing. Boom. Bam, they'll stab you. You got

to keep your language certain. That was very beautiful. Thank you. I enjoyed your meal dealy. It's amazing. Boom. They'll stab you right on site. They don't even want that starting. That's spreading. So what do you think they're going to say to me on stage? What can I really talk about?

You can't talk about religion. Can't talk about a lot of things. You know what? If I take the money, I'm going to do bad. If I take that money, Lee might do a lot better. But for me, I'm going to take that money and just go there knowing I'm going to bomb. I'm marching county. I didn't show up anywhere to lose.

Even if I lost. I didn't show up to lose. You have to, when you get into situations, you have to make your life easier. Right now, I wouldn't have known what to do if I was Theo on Saturday night. There was four people talking to him at one time. Tell them what, and with shit, that doesn't matter. When you're shooting something, you want to give somebody as much content as you want as I can because you could always cut it out.

I can't add it. I can't be in the green room going, fuck. I wish I would have had a cut from the side. Look how beautiful that stage is. Look how the lighting. I should have fucking tape myself in the back smoking a joint with Lee before I go up there.

Lee kicks me in the ass and going up. But you learn. I'd rather do it because I can always take it out. Right. But I can't hunt it down. What am I going to rent the theater? Put extras and kick you on the... No.

So let's shoot it. So I understand that. But we do that maybe later. We do that in between shows. Don't go early for it. Let's get that one in the tank. Yeah. When I'm shooting a special, the first one is the one you're going for.

And if you bomb, fuck it. I got Leight Show. And you saw it, I bombed. I bombed them, both of them. But the first show when I taped the special, bomb... Are you talking about Netflix? No, the one I did in Chicago with you. Oh, in Chicago.

First one I did bombed. The first little thing I laid down, there was a guy. It was just, I was agitated. Then they told me how to darken my hair, that the camera, they put, they spray painted, my fucking ball spot. I need this shit. I just want to crack a few fucking jokes.

Would you... I think you've talked about it. Like, would you just like to just be filmed without, like, your knowledge and, like, and that'd be put up? I'd rather that happen if I did stand up. But again, if you're going to show up on an iPhone 14, and the only reason I know it's 17

because my phone fell out the other day and some guys like, look, that's an old iPhone. I go, I buy a new one when they fucking break. But I'm going to go down there like the rest of the masses. But I heard the camera's badass. Yeah. It jumps up and down. Yeah.

So, you know, when I'm ready to drop, 1,800 now. Is it really? Holy shit. And they don't even let you pay it. They make you finance it, right? No, you can pay it. Yeah, they want the monthly. That's a lot of dough for, I don't even give a fuck anymore.

I don't have Facebook on there. I don't have Twitter. I got it either. I got Instagram. That's it. Text messages and people call. There's nothing else I use on here. Nothing. Nothing. All these apps. I don't know nothing. I got Uber once in a while. I got Lexus.

I got fucking whoop. They have old. They have flip phones. They have what? They have flip phones with apps now. You know, this is the shit. You got to eliminate all this shit. This is garbage. But you do need it. You know what are you going to do? You do need it. $1,800.

$1,500. Fucking $100 to talk to people before you even get the party started. Dude, fuck that. That's too much. Talk, that's the world we live in. And everybody goes down there and pays them. It's like a superhero movie. The more you go, the more these phones are going to keep making.

I paid $1,200 a year ago. And I thought that... Bro, when they told me, when I got this one and T-Mobile, because there's no Sprint mobile. Right. Because, you know, I show up to Sprint. We don't even know what you're talking about. We handle fucking bicycles. now, you know. I don't even know what you're talking about.

No, you got to T-Mobile. I went to T-Mobile. Very nice, but again, yeah, do this, and this one's already starting to fuck up. Like, the, it charges really fast. Like, the other night, my phone died. And I didn't give a fuck about nobody calling. It was in the city. All I wanted was to find out what was going out in my daughter, Great Adventure. I had a bad feeling that night. One of those horror buildings would fall down or something like that, and I got to go down there and start through the rubble. you know what I'm saying I can't imagine

you searching through the rubles my fucking and I got in the car it was just me and this guy one of the best limo drivers ever bad in my fucking life he was great

because I kept he told me first he was from South Brulefield no the other town I live close to not Brunfield

fucking Brunswick I just kept calling South Brunswick on the way, I'm like, listen, on the way back, we're going to go to fucking the strip club right there, just me and you, he's like, that's okay. He goes, I'm 20 minutes from me. I'm like, all right, he was cool as shit.

He stopped at Starbucks for me. He stopped at the ATM. He goes, let's stop at the ATM. You need cash? No, let's do it. Boom. Got cash. We shot into the fucking city. He was right there.

And then my phone died. He's like, I'll go get you a court. I'm like, you're a bad motherfucker. If I didn't have teeth missing, I'd suck your dick. You know what I'm saying? How do you know, cocksucker? You got some old hag one night, your little dirty bastard. Two-thirty in the morning, you're looking around the bar.

There's a lady winking at you with a missing tooth. You got to do what you got to do, you don't what I'm saying? You go over there, put a piece of cotton in it. But it's just, I saw that special taping of, uh... Yeah, this started as a message to Theo. So what? I said this started about a message about three, you know. Yeah, and it was sucking someone's dick.

You know, it was just, I was there, and it wasn't what you people are reading at all. I mean, you know, I'm worried about them like everybody else is, but at the same time I know this motherfucker. He's from the Bayo, Louisiana. He ain't going nowhere. It's just stand-up is tough, guys. I've been telling you this shit for years.

People gave me shit for three years, and I told people, the commitment level for stand-up is something like, I've never seen anything like this. I'm on my 34th year. And if I could go out three or four nights a week, I would. It's just a driving that kills me. My back wouldn't die. It's not just going to the comedy store anymore, downhill.

You know what I'm saying? It was 13 minutes for me to get to the comedy store. Right. It's an hour before I get the party started. But it's calling me back now a little by little, and I feel better about it because I got all that corporate shit out of my world. Not in LA no more.

I don't have to appease anybody. I do what the fuck I want to do. Even the sponsors on here, YouTube, whatever. I'm in an age where I already went to prison. My family left the country that was fucking communist. So you want me to obey your fucking stupid rules of no cursing or whatever? Write me on. I'll find the channel that lets us do whatever the fuck we want.

But this new world order, you take a bigger paycheck so people could tell me what to do. The reason why we got into comedy is not to have a job. Did you ever think about that? Did you ever think about that? We got into comedy so we didn't have to get up like 15 billion other people in the world, eight in the morning, and go to a job because somewhere in our demented fucking minds,

we thought we could do better. So think about that shit. This is rough, but it's rougher when somebody's watching. There's some comics that are born to work clean, and I respect that. Bargotsie is fucking great. He's great at what he does. Jerry Seinfeld was great at what he does. But there's other guys, like myself and other comedians, they go off the fucking rails. And you know what? That's fine fucking too. Because at the end of the day, every single comedian you watch is a little fucking crazy.

You just don't see it because you're so, oh my God, they're so great. No, we're not great. We're crazy, demented fucking people. So, and that's me included. I don't want you to think like, that's me. included. Somewhere along the line, we said, you know what? I'm going to go to college for four years. I come from a nice family. Nobody ran away in my family. I'm Jewish. I went, now I'm an editor, and now I'm a podcast. But you know what? I'm taking my college degree, and I'm not picking on you. I'm just telling you what I know. I'm taking my college degree and wiping my balls with it. I'm going to go right back into the pit with a bunch of animals every night and people with mental illness and try to get a fucking career. So what is the

that tell you about the stand-up comics? So before you start pointing at stand-up comics and saying that they give out misinformation, you guys took the stand-up comic too seriously. Everybody has taken everything too seriously. And I will say, like, Theo was one of the, like, the few, like, of, like, your friends, he called me, like, when I was like, like, right after we left L.A. He called me one day, we just chat. It was always super sweet to me. And, like, I haven't, on everything, I have no idea how he did that night. I've never asked you. It doesn't matter.

If you have a bad night, why, how, why is that national news? And, like, for anything. Like, imagine, like, imagine, like. You believe that it was on the front cover of Yahoo. That's, it's, it's, it's, that's. We need to know everything. This is why, again, today, you know, I don't, again, I'm not putting anybody down. I go on these sites some days, and I read one thing and I close it.

People always give me shit. You don't post anymore because there's some days. I do go on there, and I got something great to say that I was laughing in the shower. Like, I have something like I'm coming in there with balls on fire. I'm in the shower, hold not to my stomach. But I will go downstairs, open up a page, and see something. That is so far out there, I go, not today. Because I can't solve this.

I can't save this. This is what I can't save. All I can say is something funny. And hopefully you react to it. It makes your day. You wake up, you're like, fucking that motherfucker is dirty, man. You know, something to get a reaction of you instead of, I want the fucking Epstein list.

Anything but that. But this is what's going on. We've become so uptight that bombing at your Netflix special in front of 3,000 people. not even an arena, not even Madison Square Garden, in front of 3,000 people really matters. And when I say shit, you people think like I'm fucking crazy. I'm not. This is a rough world we live in today.

So I get it, motherfuckers. We got to laugh more. We got to fuck more. We got to start drinking again because this motherfucker could end any goddamn day. Hug your loved ones every day. Look at it. Every day you hear something stupid. Kim Young-hoo fired a missile into the other.

ocean, the Russian dude, you know, they bombed. What do you think? What do you think about when Israel bombed that country with the bunkers and all that shit? You think they're sitting there rebuilding right now? They got pictures of Americans all over those walls and Jews and Puerto Ricans and Arabs with beards. They got revenge. And you're walking around thinking it's fun. That's why I was nervous about great adventure. Because, dog, they're coming. This is not ending good. I don't mean to scare you, motherfuckers, but it's a reality. It's a fucking reality. So next time you go to your Jason Aldeen, country music concert,

and you're jumping up and down thinking we're in good hands, uh-uh, uh-uh. Remember what happened in Vegas? They were jumping up and down, too. And they got shot from the fucking window. It's a weird fucking world out there. I love you, motherfuckers. I don't even know if the guy's Jason Aldean. I don't even know what that is.

I'm just, I thought he was a country singer. I'm just saying, it's a true. It's the fucking truth. This is why I hug everybody, every goddamn day. Any day now, we're getting hit with a missile. Especially you motherfuckers that live in New York City walking around, jumping up and down, Lee with the Jew hat. Lee's going to have to get a disguise after November.

If that Mondami wins, he's darnly. Him and his girlfriend will be wailing out of New York City. Because they're going to come to your apartment and beaches up and then kick his out and you're going to be socialists. Mundami is going to be a little Cuba and shit. And right now, even Eric, even Black Lives Matter, Eric Griffin, whatever's fucking name. Eric Adams dropped out. Those are two

very different people. Who? Eric Griffin. Well, it's a mistake. You know Eric Adams is, he's your fucking mayor in New York City. Yeah, but my life isn't in the fact, why do you think the mayor is going to make that much of a difference? Well, somebody please tell this idiot what's going on in New York because this other guy's a socialist. He wants

to start bodegas. He wants he hates Jews, okay? That's number one. hates Jews? Well, you have to assume. I mean, right now at this point, everybody hates the Jews, Lee. If the mess, right now, everybody, they blame everything on the fucking Jews. That's not everything. Somebody, a little firecracker in New Jersey or it's a Jew. You know, it's been bad for the Jews. It's a bad couple years. We get it. But, yeah, it's been a bad couple years. It really has. Thank you for noticing. What? Thank you for noticing. You know, I love you. I got nothing against you. No love against you. But, I mean, you know,

Uh, it's, it's true. So I don't know what's going to happen in the world, but the most important thing is to crack a joke. Who gives a fuck of a comedian bombs? With what's really going on in the world, you give a fuck about a comedian bombing on his Netflix special? Like, it's going to change your goddamn life?

Not at all. So, where are you going to be this week, Tarzan? I'm going to be at the dojo on Wednesday night. All right. And I'm going to be at Shoebas on Thursday night this week. I'm not going to be nowhere until next until I come back. I'm October 8th, but that's already sold out.

That's chicken stuff. We've got to give them the truth. 15th at the dojo comedy. The 23rd is the bucket of love at the dojoic comedy. And then November 8th is a biggie. D.C., what's the name of it? MGM Grand.

What is it? MGM Grand and Oxen Hill. 20 minutes from the fucking White House. I'll have my fucking bulletproof. John Wick outfit on down there because a missile might come fucking flying through. So 20 minutes we're going to be performing. That also pisses me off. Why?

When they told me, I thought I was doing comedy like, you know, an hour from the nation's capital. We need that much money that we need to gamble in Washington, D.C. And here, I'm not political, but I'm just asking you a question. 20 minutes from the White House, Washington needs, Maryland needs that much money that they got gambling, 20 minutes is nothing sacred? And that means I get a hooker, 20 minutes from the White House. When does it fucking end? Nah, forget about that.

November 8, that's all they need to know. Focus one of the time, cock suckers. We love you. Have a great week. Lee, send them some love. Love you, guys. Love you. Stay black.

All right. Have a great week. And we'll be back next Tuesday, the 8th. What's happened, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here. Listen, your gut has a massive impact on how you feel each and every day. Bioma keeps things in tip-top shape so you can feel your best, no matter what life throws your way.

Biomas blend of prebiotics plus probiotics plus post-biotics helps restore healthy micro-bones. Now you're going to want to give bioma a try and get things sorted down there. Listen, I went on in about four weeks ago. I feel tip-top magoo, all right? I go to the bathroom. I don't feel sluggish anymore. So if your gut is full of the wrong bacteria,

get bioma and get it together, Jack. Listen, it's not just about a smooth regular digestion. Your gut can mess with your hormone levels, energy weight management, and even lifespan. Take 15% off your bioma order to get started. Just click the link in our show notes. And pressing code Joey, J-O-E-Y. That's code Joey.

J-O-E-Y for 15% off your order when you click the link and our show notes. I want to thank Bioma for sponsoring us. They got a great product. Thank you.