Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - Hanging around like a vampire

Episode Date: November 5, 2024

This week on The Check In we learn that Joey Diaz has a clean license and doesn't care anymore, is monitoring his stress and will walk away from people who stress him out, Joey talks about his disappointing trip to the 76ers game and much more! Support the show and download the DraftKings PickSix app. New customers play $5 & get $50 in Pick 6 credits with promo code JOEY.

What's going on there Trump breath Man I Don't know which one is worse. I don't know whose breath is it's not a fuck politics which one's breath stinks worse Hey, he stuck his muffler. He stuck his tongue up muffler stormy's muffler, so it can't be that bad He ain't got no cavities. Maybe you'll get a brown tooth. You know I'm saying I'm gonna stay home on my business. I got a couple little things to do and that's it I'm gonna stay home on my business. I got a couple little things to do and that's it I'm gonna stay home on my business. I got a couple little things to do and that's it

I'm gonna stay home my business I got a couple little things to do And that's it. I Don't blame like what is it? Is it what does it feel like watching all this stuff and you can't like would you vote if you could like what is it? Like no, you can't vote Honest to God man, I Don't want to be, so I don't vote.

People like you gotta pick a side, vote. You know, I'm lost here, so it doesn't matter. The funniest guy, this election has been very funny and it's gonna be dirty tomorrow and there's gonna be consequences, you know, but there's two things that stick out. I went to a basketball thing the other day, my daughter and the parents and they were talking. You really can't tell people who you're voting for anymore. People will argue with you and fight with you, especially in these political times, like

everybody's a fucking politician. What the fuck is that about? Like if I vote, I'm going to tell people, listen, bitch, this is my vote. And, you know, I thought about it. But in this election, you can't even pick a side really. You know, people are losing shit if they mentioned Trump be it's insane it really Insane I did I did a midnight show on Saturday and the comic after me It was like 15 people in the crowd, but the comic after me did a political joke one of the one group liked One side and then the like someone else a heckler, couldn't believe that

they liked that person. So there was an argument going on in the audience because someone liked a specific, and it doesn't matter what side it happens on, but it happened in an audience. Oh, sorry. And it's really sad. That's why I stray from it because all my life I've strayed. I knew my mother owning a bar, there was no religion and no politics. That shit gets people riled the fuck up. You stay away from it. I've stayed away from it on stage.

I'm not gonna go up there right now in these times and mention a fucking voting box. No, it's not funny. Because that's what they fucking voting box. No. Because that's what they're listening for. No, and I don't wanna, but it's just really funny. And then like RFK, that motherfucker did more coke than me. He did that Kennedy coke. That motherfucker can't even talk anymore.

He couldn't even party on his birthday and shit. You know what I'm saying? He's gotta put a fan behind his head to blow out a fucking candle. You know what I mean? I am in charge of vitamins. I'm saying he's got to put a fan behind his head to blow out a fucking candle I am in charge of vitamins. Listen, what kind of vitamins are you talking? Yeah enough. I mean, I'm just It is The other guy looks like a fucking pedophile, you know Walls that wall that dude definitely was in a fucking park bathroom

Looking out the creep whack it off one time or in a tree with fucking you know with a leather jacket dressed up, you know with fucking peanut butter in one pocket and Peanut M&Ms in the other in case well peanut butter one and M&Ms in the other case. They're allergic, you know Peanut butter one and M&Ms in the other case. They're allergic, you know Those are professional They show up with a peanut treat and then a non peanut treat Because they don't want you to get allergic and die or whatever the fuck it is that happens to you, which is nothing YouTube's gonna love this one. Can you imagine I think we've gone after every candidate

Listen, I didn't go after anybody because I ain't voting. I'm just telling you what I see in a comedic sense. You know, like when I look at it, I'm like, what's going on here? You know, Kennedy's the original guy looked like a fucking stud. Nixon looked like a stud, you know, whatever his name is, he was fucking slinging dick

when he was in the president playing the saxophone He came on the chicks dress that didn't look And then you got these fucking guys that look like they can't blow out a birthday candle Fucking you know, so That dude did tons of fucking coke not I forgive him for him for it. I don't even give a fuck. I'm just saying that, you know, don't show up. It's like me showing up now with fucking, you know, a bag of apples.

Listen, it's too late for that. You had your chance, you know? It's like that 40 year old that shows up with the Pittsburgh Steelers shirt. You know, and you're like, listen, come here. Let me talk to you about something. You're in no danger. Put the shirt away.

You ever see that? Like older guys with like guys like jerseys like or they play softball and they'll tell you Three for four to a guy. Come here. Give it up. Okay Lighten up you went three for four you played against a bunch of fucking softball guys. You're drinking you take it seriously This is for fun. What are you gonna call the Mets? You're drinking, you're taking it seriously. This is for fun. What are you gonna call the Mets? What? Dude, what do you think about the guys

who like when they're going, who they're like they aren't bicycles, but they have like the full, like the skin tight suit and the helmet and they're just riding around the suburbs and like you. One man under God. nobody was watching I hit one of those guys just with GP Because they're always driving crazy

There's ten of them that tough ten bike ride supposed to be scared They look at you and you pass by fuck you and they throw water at you And let's see what type of party this is What are you doing to them? Why are they throwing water at you? Because you speed by him you can only do Miles an hour for so long before you go beep beep Move over to the fucking bike lane or riding the grass. I don't know what you need to do You know, you're gonna fuck listen. I

Have these back roads here Okay Okay, like I have route 18 and I fucking do 80 on that Is every man for himself? They just fucking But I want somebody you know, you know what let me take a side rub And dog daughters are worst ideas you could have because I swear to God. There's a road That I have to hit and every time I hit that road You're like eight minutes from the house. You got a pee you got a shit. You got to scratch your ass

You got a bong hit But there's always that dude that you know sees you coming you're doing 90, but he wants to And then do the speed limit and look out for under in Yeah, and i'm like guy i'll blow right the philastin last night. I blew past the guy. He chased me couldn't chase me Last night I blew past the guy he chased me couldn't chase me Fucking find me after I saw him spinning around the 18 and shit back and forth I forget his license plate was like dick or something like that. Get the fuck out of you wait. I'm 61 I'm not playing your fucking game. I'm gonna beat that you very politely and if you don't pull over I'm gonna go around. I don't care whether it's a double yellow, a double white,

those days ended. I got a clean license. What am I sitting here taking from these fucking people? This fucking abuse from these people doing the speed limit or under the speed limit. Those people have always driven me crazy and I thought they were only in California, but they're here too and they're done with it. They They leave gaps between them people cut them off and you're like, what are you doing? Why is there a gap between you and that car? We got to hit the green fucking light here Why are you in such a really why do you want everyone to be right on top of everybody go Green the best is the light is green and you're gonna let this guy cut in from the fucking driveway Why your light is green don't be a fucking priest you don't need to be Johnny nice guy Tell him wait when his turn you ain't let cut all the way over there because then he's gonna hold me at the fucking light

Fuck him. Listen when I'm the first car they had a green light that makes a left. I Shoot out of there like a bad out of house Because I'm thinking about the guy behind me I ain't got time to dilly-dally if that light goes off and you make a left and then I decide oh green light There's a gap There's a huge gap. I don't want no fucking gaps on those lights Goes piss you off. It I don't want no fucking gaps on those lights. It does piss you off.

It does piss me off. When they're taking a left-hand, and there's a second or two between each car, and we could get so many more cars. Think about the guy behind you. There's a 60-year-old that needs to piss like a fucking race horse, and you want to dilly dally and look at your phone or try to figure out how to do the self driving on the Tesla

You know couple days when I passed by a test this chick was doing like 16 She had her feet up. She had the computer out. I'm like no she didn't She was on the fucking phone driving and I'm like Wow, why these people need to get hit one time. Like sideswipes, and the computer cuts their fucking titty off or something so they'll never do that shit again.

Why would you, you know, I don't understand. You lost me a little bit on the getting my titty cut off. Who knows, the computer gets hit this way, you go this way, and and the computer sticking up and it stabs you in the tit Now you got to walk around like Angelina Jolie on your right dick And do you remember like how when you made the decision that you were just gonna start like Like that's the funniest thing ever give a clean license. So you just what you have one to give So it's like when did you make that decision that you're just gonna pass people you're gonna do whatever you want

Once I had 60 it's all over I am the right I hit 60, you know The chances are hitting 60 in today's world Once I had 60 I said listen, I got time to fuck around with these people. I Really don't I got a stress monitor on my fucking whoop now I really don't I got a stress monitor on my fucking whoop now Right. I look at my stress model. It's like medium. I just walk away. There's no you just yes. Yeah, I got time for this shit I'm 60. I want my conversation to be fucking No stress like low stress if I look at that stress meter and I see medium or high a river dirty I ain't talking to you my mental health program. You know I'm saying

away from people oh All the time now. I don't have time for this shit. You're you're depressing me. I just told you two minutes I just told you to fucking win where the fucking thing was two minutes ago Now you want to come back and tell me a story. Oh Stresses on medium gotta go i got time for this and where do you go fucking to run the light i don't fucking know i ain't just listen if i'm on the phone and you're stressing me out it's's over. I gotta go. I'll hang up while you're going, listen, wait,

but they make, I just don't do it no more. There's a guy that wants me to start a weed company with him. I don't ever want to start a weed company again. And I told him this, he hits me up every month and I fucked and torture him. Meet me, give me a sample, just saying enough. I need to know, he always tortures me. I need to know tomorrow. So I'll call him and when he hangs open answers or hang up on him and then he'll keep calling me back. And I'm like,

fuck it. I'm on to the next Savage. I'm already on the phone with you. He's beeping, beep, beep, trying to call back. I'm thinking I'm going to sign on. He won't hear from me for days. And then we start the process all over again, like two weeks later, hey, I got a new edible. You want to try it? Yeah, sure. And then I torture him about the edible. And then I tell him, you know, this is the time for me to sign on.

And then two days later, I give him the same treatment. I call him. He don't answer. And then he calls me 18 times, like, where are you? Where are you? Pick up the phone. for me to sign on and then two days later, I give him the same treatment. I call him, he don't answer. And then he calls me 18 times. Like, where are you? Where are you? Pick up the phone, listen. I ain't picking up this phone till next Tuesday.

All right, so leave me the fuck alone. I'm on a different level, Lee. Forget it, after my little mental health breakdown when I moved here, I figured out it was fucking people and listening to their shit and I'm done. I'm too old I'm gonna sit here my brother. He fucking fell off the bus again What's it got to do with me? You want a hundred for the card for the cast or whatever? But if you're gonna give me any of beaten enough, I don't need it. No, I'm running out of time

My battery here are running out of time any day now go deaf and I want to go deaf listening to these fucking baboons Talk to me about shit that we want to know about I Appreciate it. I wish you God Like I said it before I said you turn 50, but we start saying crazy shit like that Well, I start saying that someday I'm gonna die but at the same time It's true. Your time is fucking limited now when you're 20 you could talk to everybody. Oh, you're in Scotland phobos. Let's go You know, you may suck my dick you may not but taking the air beating but now I don't want my dick suck Why am I talking to you? Why are you giving me an ear beating? I don't want to do these things, you know

Why do you keep tormenting me? Hey? Saturday me and my buddies are getting together. We'd love to have yet. Sure great I'm gonna be there fucking ape in a zoo people touching me. Are you really a comedian? Do you really know Joe Rogan do how was that? I'm saying? Yeah. Listen, leave me alone Go bother somebody go fucking No, I'm not doing it. I had to tell my buddy of 40 years couple weeks. He called me once a month Hey, we're getting together a bunch of guys. They're gonna have played poker first of all. I'm really busy on Saturdays or something But I'm not stop my softball game my daughter or end her fun because I gotta go sit with a bunch of goons

Touching me and fucking you know, and at the end of the day, can we take a picture? Can you call my son's in a wheelchair? Why don't you call listen? What am I gonna do make him walk? Yeah My Jesus and we hit him in the head he's gonna be playing back well two minutes later When you sit what the fuck? And so you just avoid it I just I look at the whoop And if it tells me keep walking keep walking Even when I watch like a stupid game or something. I'll look at the right. I didn't even bet the game What am I get get the fuck out of here? I'll look at the right. I didn't even bet the game. What am I get? Get the fuck out of here

I'll put something soft on like fucking something on Netflix people two girls falling in love with some shit I've noticed like you seem less I Don't know like you see more red piece than you have before I'll put it like that more red piece than you have before. I'll put it like that. Doug, I had to figure out what the fuck was going on with LA. I mean, your career is doing great. You have a fun podcast and you know, it was just, and I couldn't figure it out. And it really fucked me. I really had to study it. You know, that's when I went with better help.

And the girl gave me little exercises and she's like, what you got to avoid man just avoid it you don't want to be involved in anyway so why are you talking about it why they up to you what no no you know I don't just don't want to do that shit and that's it I had to make up my mind when we were living in LA I didn't say not know to nothing Right and or that before I met my wife. I didn't say no to anything and my wife told me one day she's like you gotta knock this shit off like in 2004 and Like a year later got the longest yard. You're wasting time. You're spinning your fucking wheels These people, you know

Everybody's got a dream. You got to figure it out on your own. I Can't help you figure out your fucking dream and then you put a guilt trip on me. Oh, you did a movie How do I get into a movie? You got to be special. Stop fucking my balls. I'm a fucking felon I got a fucking high school diploma. Yeah, I'm a bum. I was telling my wife a couple weeks ago about diploma. Yeah, I'm a bum. I was telling my wife a couple weeks ago about how insane it is that I got them to put me in a movie. Why do you think that's insane? It really is insane. Every time I booked a big movie, I would sit there and just giggle.

And go, these bastards have no idea. Like they just have no idea. I know that there's people that take acting seriously and they started when they were 12 and they were all so magician and they played in the band and they worked their 12, and they were also a magician, and they played in a band, and they worked their whole life in their audition. And then a guy like me comes along, basically stand up in a couple acting classes that way. And I'm not in a film. I'm in a major studio film, whether it's Spider-Man 2, The Longest Yard, Taxi. this yard taxi Baseball

Baseball when I did with the soprano people when I did with Rocky Balboa, they sucked but there's still big time movies, but what about like the reason why like I I disagreed was like I'm not trying to suck your dick, but like the the hundred dollar day movies you did before you didn't just open up with I Know baseball was early on but you didn't open up with all great movies No, I opened up with that's the first thing I opened up with well baseball. Yeah, I was gonna that was commercial Okay, that's the first thing I opened up with And I was like what the fuck and then I couldn't look at it

And then I I worked hard. I remember I went on the road for like a year and a half. I came back and Mad TV. And Mad TV really gave me a push. It didn't sell no tickets, but everybody in the industry watches Mad TV. Right. And at least it gave you some validity. But it's really crazy that I talk somebody

to get me in a fucking movie. And I think back, I like, you know, being in trouble, you know, fucking around at the high school. And then I think of the guys that were actually in performing arts that were nerds with their glasses on and now they're gonna go to college and join a theater group.

I didn't do any of that. So do you understand where I'm coming from? Especially with my background. I'm like, I just watched movies. I loved movies as a kid. I loved watching fucking movies. So that was my thing. If I learn, and you know, I gotta tell you something, man. There's times I'm talking to people about acting or something, and they'll say something, and I go, don't you watch fucking movies? I started watching movies just to watch movies, to learn their language, to get entertained.

But as I was watching them, I go, that would be interesting making a movie. From the time before I went to prison, I was trying to get into the movie business Whether as a fucking in fact, I'm going to lunch dinner with somebody the 16th and He I told you he was a cameraman for Good Morning America for 25 fucking years the only job you ever had And I used to bug him he was my CYO coach All right, and I would call him and say how do I get in there?

And he would you know, I mean he would like say go away Like basically come on man. You have no acting experience. Come on, you know I was acting out on your radar or was it like working on them? I Didn't really know I Didn't really know I just thought the process of making a film Was very interesting. It was something that always You know just interesting listen. I could sit and watch a movie 15 times if it's good Yeah, I'm one of those I could sit and watch it and study it and go. Wow. That was great

How'd they do that and then I'll go on Wikipedia and I'll see how they did that I'm a geek. Well, I didn't know that. Yeah, cool geek like that, you know, like that's the shit. I really like but the fact that I talked somebody into letting me in a movie Lee is Just fucking great the fact that I'm in the Union for movie Lee is just fucking great the fact that I'm in the Union for 26 years now how the fuck that I end up in a Union for 26 fucking years can somebody please tell me this shit you don't think you worked hard I didn't work I worked to be in a stand-up if you think I was a mirror going me me me me I don't think you worked hard I Didn't work. I worked to be the stand-up

If you think I was a miracle me me me me. I don't know about that shit I didn't know anything about acting so I moved obviously I moved to LA and I booked baseball and something else and It was like I embarrassed myself. So I went to a fucking acting class I went to like two or three of them, one really good big one. While I was there, I'm like, I don't need this no more. And then I started learning different things about standup,

that your timing when you're a standup, and it's just, so acting and standup go together. It's one of the many facets from stand-up producing, podcasting, writing, writing on a TV show, writing movies, you know, stand-up is the sun and all this shit drift from it. And it's really, that's why Michael Keaton, Andy Garcia, all these people were all part of some stand-up thing early on Because it really opens up your door, you know, that's like I told you you want to meet people go to an acting class

That'll tell you they'll tell you where to go They will tell you where to go and like where if you were gonna start with an act because I And like where if you were gonna start with an act cuz I've taken one commercial acting class and as you're talking That's all I was thinking is that I'm in New York I need to take some sort of acting class like what would you start with improv you're in the Haven of acting classes I know and then I would take a basic acting class with emphasis on Cold study work because cold reading, cold reading, I'm sorry.

Okay. That's me giving you a piece of paper, giving you two minutes and go and read what you feel in your heart. Okay. And if we get somewhere then I'll move you on. But cold reading is very important because it's stand up. Cold reading is one sheet, 10 sheets sheets whatever the fuck they give you and I

don't know how to describe it, but You have to be good at cold reading Right, and you don't even you don't get two minutes on stage on stage something happens And you have to like that's why I was thinking improv could be good Nah, cuz you're gonna be with a bunch of schlumps in there doing improv You know, you don't want it with stand-ups It's a wall and a microphone Right. Don't ever get that wrong improv people got to go up there with 28 people. I

Don't yeah, I don't want to do that Right. No, yeah, that's not what I want to do even the mic and the fucking brick wall against you cocksucker and We use all those elements Right all the microphone us the hands so That's what I dig it's that simple, okay You know and cold reading workshops are usually a weekend Okay, it's everything on a Saturday cost you 65 bucks a hundred bucks. You know look out for really good

If you like a movie Right. Mm-hmm. Really? I enjoy a movie. Oh that guy was great at the end look to a casting director was okay, and and Google the cast director a lot of times those people do those workshops. Oh, the actual casting director will do like workshops you can go to. It's a hundred bucks, but it's a hundred bucks well spent because you're going to do everything by the number from the minute you walk in to the minute you leave, you're going to act correctly. You're the minute you leave. You're gonna act correctly, you're gonna dress correctly, you're not gonna have cocaine on your breath

because these people could put you in films. So I took advantage of that one, but the best one I ever took was Christian Kaplan. He's in LA, he was the head of Fox, and he taught a fucking cold reading class. So I paid the whatever on a Saturday. Little gay guy, cool as shit, moving the motherfucker. And I read from him and he kept saying,

"'Joey, come back and read something different.'" You know, and I could tell, all right. And a month later, this motherfucker calls me, calls my agent and says he wants me to read the taxi No way Okay now The funny part of the story is on the way that I got a call from Bobby Slate Okay

Yeah, and he would always like braggadocio my brother. I love Bobby, but he would go is he goes What are you doing? And I go, I'm going to read for taxi. He goes, I just booked the role last night. I had dinner with the director. I'm gonna do some role. I don't know when he asked me who I was reading for, I didn't say nothing to. I guess at dinner, the director told him he had it,

but he never told nobody else. Oh no. I guess at dinner the director told him he had it but he never told nobody else Oh, no, so christian caplan read me and goes this is the guy and The director agreed and two days later. I got a call from bobby slayton going Mother fucker you took my role Oh, jesus christ Know how good that feel Huh? Yeah, I said how good did that feel?

Bobby but but that's what I tell people all the time fuck you and your dinners Fuck you and your dinners. Fuck you that your friend your sister's friend Everybody's got a hookup. The best hookup you got is what comes out of your mouth in that stage and what comes out of your mouth When you go to an audition That's the hookup you got is what comes out of your mouth in that stage and what comes out of your mouth when you go to an audition. That's the hookup right there. You want to fucking be seen, do a good read. You want to fucking... And they're scams. I'm the king of scams. Like I knew if I read for Christian, eventually he put me in something. I just knew I did another acting thing with I forget the guy who cast Godfather 2 and that was great but he never called me in for nothing but I never I never really got to work with him like one-on-one like

that you know I probably shouldn't start with those though right like I should start with some introductions and like cuz cause I've never done anything. And try to act in brother. Okay. Listen to what the teacher has to say, take points from it. You know, like in your mind, in your mind, you go, I'm not ever gonna act or I'm never gonna need this. Yes you are.

Eventually someday you're gonna need it. And some of the shit in there pertains to stand up. Yeah, there has to be a lot. I wonder if they and they must have like I would love if they had a class on like act outs I got like, you know, like you like I don't like facial expressions like stuff like that Like I don't really do any of that. Let's just go to acting class. All right, huh? Just go to acting class. I am going to acting class. Listen, cold reading is also, when I would get a cold reading sheet, two, three sheets, okay?

It's a scene. Basically, it's a fucking scene. When you first get that scene, it's like a standup set, right? You just wrote it out, and then you perform it that night, and you come home that night, you look at the standup set,

and while you're on stage, you'll do different things. Like, you know, I love Chinese people. I go to acupuncture, I love Bruce Lee. The only thing I don't like is when Chinese people play poker when they watch me when I'm playing blackjack and just do that face.

You know, that's something you're gonna get the more you fucking read that. That's why when I got a cold reading sheet, I read it sober. Dead sober, I read it twice. And then it's time to go smoke a number. And then you come back and you look at it again. And that's when you add the flavor. That's when you put the fucking, the marks, the beats in. That's when you go, I'm gonna change this word because I already say it here. I'm gonna pay attention and do something completely different.

And then you have that settled. That's your fucking masterpiece. But what happens if they call you back the producers? You gotta top that with the same lines or whatever. So you keep reading it, reading it, reading it, reading it. By the time you get to producer session, they're gonna give you that and two other scenes. But you're gonna read this one first because you know it and you're rocking with it. And after a while, it's the more you do, the more you do a bit, the more you add life to it.

Right. Okay? The more you add life to it right Okay, you write the story you color it in You do it and then go. Ooh, I gotta write this in I'm still doing that the first story teller show for Ari Me mark marron in the back of the stuff of the improv There was maybe 16 people and I decided to tell a story about Pink Floyd with Joe Folk or at you I Told that story 20 times but it had been like a year or two since I told it I Never told it on stage is what I'm trying to say. Oh wow when I told it on stage that night

Two days later. Somebody sent me the tape. I had added so many elements You slow it down and you sell it Interesting okay, I don't even tell stories at all, but I've seen with bits, but well the story especially your stories or even Even with a bit you selling it Right. You're still on a fucking bit So you always always be selling ABC cocksucker. I want to talk to you cocksuckers about draft Kings real quick Let's take a breather and we'll be right back tip top Magoo

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We're back bitches. Don't forget, we got a lot of sports left in draft games. You got football, you got college football, you got basketball, you got pro basketball. By the way, Lee, I love basketball. You know, I love watching live basketball. I love watching baseball, football. Football is just too cold.

It's gotta be on the Lord's day. It's gotta be fucking 90 degrees just sitting out there. I went to my, you know, thousandth basketball game with my family on Saturday night. Oh yeah. We got the tickets about two weeks ago. We were fired up, you know, good tickets. The drive down there was was couldn't have been easier

where we parked and walking into the building. Couldn't have been easier. The cheesesteaks fucking delicious. The french fry and you don't want to eat for both fucking delicious. I had a great time. I did like 10 bong hits. I did some edibles. I Fucking sat there. I didn't say nothing nobody. I took a

mushroom bread strip and like two of them And I'm watching this game now, I'm having a great time with the people behind me The people to the side of me there were two little fags in front of me that I Think they girlfriends got them tickets and they were both like, you know, talking and whatever the fuck they were doing. Talking about how to solve the world's problems. It was basically one of the worst fucking games I've ever watched in my life.

Memphis, who I love, I love John Moran. They are so bad and it felt like John Moran didn't want to score. Like he was scared to score. I'm like what the fuck. He had like 18 points, maybe 14 points. And then on the sixers side, they were so fucking bad. And me and my daughter love Maxey. We go go we went for the maxi uh matchup against ja maybe they cover each other whatever i mean the sixes were so fucking bad and here's the funny thing and bead said in the beginning of the season he's gonna play every other game to save himself for the playoffs and that kind of bummed me out and I'm watching that night he's there and To watch your team get killed like this without saying, you know what?

Give me my fucking shoes Like what's his name in the longest? You are give me my fucking shoes. I'm going back in. All right, you know We left with eight minutes left in the fourth court again. I loved all that bad Yeah, I love and that was eight minutes too long like we should have people walking out in the third quarter at the end of the third quarter about Exodus I Just wanted I was with my daughter. I didn't want to live I'm not waiting till the end to leave with all those savages But let's go and we got up at eight minutes and walked out there like nothing happened

Got in the car and came home. We all know on the way home My daughter and I go to a bunch of we saw the Celtics. We saw the Knicks we go to Philly twice a year to watch fucking games and basically this was and I and I I Don't know what's going on with basketball Because again, I'm a big fan of basketball I'm a big fan of Kyrie Irving. I put Dallas on a few weeks ago It was unwatchable

Basketball or football basketball I was watching we're talking about the basketball. Okay, I basketball I Watched the Knicks on Friday night at my friend's house I didn't really want to watch the next but the mushrooms are starting to kick in I didn't want to see areas. I was in the back just making believe I'm watching this night game And I'm going what the fuck is this and I watched somebody out. I watched Cleveland play. Is it Cleveland? Yeah Down fire lately and they looked okay. But everybody else looks like fuck.

The Knicks look like dog shit. Dog shit. It's, they traded that white dude. They traded Randall. You know what, man? I'll stay to watching at home. I ain't fucking paying to go to, and it broke my heart. It broke. Really? And what? Nobody heart And what nobody's mercy think about it

Listen, she was saying you suck. So for her it was great. I said mercy. What are you saying? She's really good You're right. You got a point there and say you suck with Philly and people like alright. Yeah, he does Amazing she was having a great time everybody every time they shot a foul shot and people like, all right, yeah, he does suck. That's amazing. She was having a great time. Every time they shot a foul shot, she would get up and go boo and yell and do a bunch of shit with the rest of the lunatics over there. Listen, it's really great.

For me, I had a good time. Right, but the game sucked. I don't know what happened to basketball, Lee. It's just the money, the fucking something. Nobody rebounds. That shit drives me crazy. That guy that's seven footers shooting dirty footers, and there's nobody underneath. Like they just, all right, he missed.

That's a fucking offensive threat right there. I was born on the rebound You know I'm saying how to fucking look at it like, okay, we'll give the rebound up fuck No, get in there. That's why I told mercy when she plays I go there's ten points a game under the basket Just hanging around like a vampire Yeah, there's ten points Yeah. Yeah. There's 10 points.

Never. Yeah. You're hanging out like a vampire, looking around, breathing on people, you know. Kkkkk at least challenge them, but you can't shoot a 35 footer I'm gonna kill somebody Yeah I'm gonna kill somebody You know you can't put a 35 footer in and fuck

Yeah, anything after like I don't know what the distance is but everybody's shooting these bombs Yeah, they say it's boring to watch And nobody's coming from a Celtics fan who we won last year because of all threes, but it's boring to watch And I'm younger so like when the Celtics had Ray Allen Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett those few years like that was when it was fun like they had a I don't know anything about basketball, but they had the main guys who were like, you know, they do a bunch of like two point shots and like going for like the for dunks and layups But then right we had Ray Allen who was the three-point We had one three-point shooter on each team and now every person's shooting. Why are the center shooting threes? I

Know I just want you to go on and bang it and yeah People get bit all the sixes And all three players underneath would God off even my daughter my daughter said dad. They can't get a rebound. It was just It was sad because I enjoy it brother. I enjoy that, you know Listen, I don't go to the Nick because it's too much parking and walking and fucking moving around this goddamn thing here But I like I should easy That night I had options. I could have gone to Brooklyn to see Iron Maiden in a box

with the Florentine crime family. But I already had tickets for Philly. But I would have gone up there just to see, listen, I want to see Iron Maiden. I want to see a fucking play about fucking Mediates or something. But go up there, drink a couple cocktails, maybe eat a sandwich in the box.

Right, the box is fun. But I wanna go with the girls. I like going to Philly, that's my family thing with them. It's easy for me. It's not like going on a great adventure. I gotta walk 18 miles for nothing. They got a shitty piece of ice cream and be surrounded with people smoking dope around kids.

I hate all that shit. But this is safe for me. I can walk in. Usually I buy a T-shirt or two. She bought the popcorn. Even the popcorn was good in Philly. They put salt on it. You got to put salt on popcorn. What is this? Put some salt on that motherfucker. It tastes like the Eucharist.

It's like going to a Jews house for Passover. They give you those tasteless fucking crackers that you got to make believe you enjoy like mom Yeah, put some ham on this motherfucker only how long I said it my home my home like it's hard face god damn it So you're not going to Florida this week now are you off no I'm going to Florida I'm going to Florida I'm going to Tampa side splitters I'm gonna be there the 7th through the 9th and you're headlining no I'm featuring who's headlining Ian Fiedans very very funny very funny guy and what are you gonna do on Wednesday you was gonna hang out with Steve I'm gonna hang out with

Simone we're to eat Italian food Mickey Mouseville and and find something else. I'm gonna do I'll do something somewhere fucking Orlando You know what man I It was interesting club. It hasn't been the same. You know, I'm saying the pulse the the the the

the the the the the I mean, the whole town is haunted now. You hear, ooh, you like little gay ghosts and shit. Nobody wants to deal with that stuff. You know what I'm saying? So even the people at Mickey Mouse will come back and go, I had a gay ghost in my room.

I don't know what happened. These are jokes, Lee. These are jokes. You're looking around and what the fuck is he talking about? I love it. You're going kind of hard. No, I'm fine I was excited it was just you know, um it wasn't the right I was gonna talk to you about that because like

Do you Making a decision on like an emotion like like do like and not and learning to like to to maybe like trust your gut or I don't know like did you ever make a decision like you regretted baby like it just like when you were angry or really do that. Yeah. Again, we're talking we're talking about mental health. Mm hmm. I had to change everything because I

don't like waking up to pee at three in the morning and thinking about something and in those days, I would get up to pee at two, three in the morning and also I go, why did I take that weekend? Why? And I would curse myself. And I kept doing it.

It was the ones. And it was the ones when they caught you at a weird time. Because they're going to keep asking. Do you want that week? It was like when I did the last year of the pandemic before the pandemic happened. I had dates in New York, Boston, do you remember that? And San Francisco.

For some fucking reason, I decided to do Miami in the middle of all this. And that's when that movie caught me. And they were like, we want you in New York on the 4th. And I'm like, that's not going to happen. That's not going to happen. I'm already tied up in a love triangle here. I got Boston, I got the Connecticut club

and we had town hall. And I'm like, I'm gonna fuck with that Miami, that killed me, that killed me. Cause I was already at a lot of my play. Just that one weekend. Well, in retrospect, it was the weekend I dosed Tom. That was the weekend I fucking killed Tom. We had a put up in Waco, Texas.

We had to give him a ton of water and fucking IVs and whatever the fuck it was. We landed at six in the morning and at lunchtime, he already called me. He was like, what was in that that I'm still high go to bed dog But this shit that's the only good positive from that And that's what I was doing a lot of I was making a lot of mistakes that were keeping me up at night Now I got rules First of all, don't ever take a booking on a Friday First of all, don't ever take a booking on a Friday.

If they call you after you're booking, it's because you're on the road and you really don't know what's going on. You're doing your favorite thing in the world. So they're gonna catch you after you had a good set and you're gonna go, yeah. And then you're gonna get off the phone and go, what the fuck did I just do? That's a connecting flight to Michigan.

That's a whole thing. And that's the things you do. That's a connecting flight to Michigan. That's the whole thing. And that's the things you do. That's why I told you how I wrote a thing about every weekend I went to, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, North Carolina, I wrote my own review. They write a review of what I did. I write a review on how they did, how I liked liked the room don't eat the fucking breakfast, you know And when I get a call, I go hold on one second. Let me look at where you put me that that that that that Pass and I did that a lot But there was a lot of times that you're in the you look at your daughter and you think they need the money and that I'm old school. I don't want to sit there broke and think that I turned down that gig you offered me

for a thousand bucks Why I would be in that position go fuck I should have taken that grand deal now. I got nothing And that's why I Would that mentality was going on I was just trying to put enough in the bank Because you don't know when this is gonna end You don't know when this is going to end. You don't know when Matt Ripe is going to come out and everybody buys Matt Ripe tickets and there you are with tour shirts and shit. You're like, now I'm dead.

You know, you never know. So you have to take the work and, you know, at 50 remember I hit at 50. That's completely different than most people So for me it was gonna be an end all be all and the original plan Was to quit comedy and acting The day the Sopranos came out. I didn't want to do another movie for anybody else. I just wanted to work with David Chase When the movie sucked so bad. I'm like, I can't retire on that. I can't fucking. So

while you're still acting. Well, if you want to call it that, I mean, I haven't acted all fucking year, but even Lord order hasn't called me in this year. They called me in early, like in January and gave me three sets of size and then never heard from them again. Never heard from them again. So, but have my feelings hurt? No, we still got the podcast. I got some dates, you know, we got a next Tuesday.

We're in New York at the city winery. Sold out. We got Philly that sold out on November 27th December 4th, we're in Hoboken that's all down. They're just gonna add they're gonna sell tickets starting I think this week What are you cheering about? I can go to that one now, which one? December 4th Well, where were you gonna be in Charlotte? Yeah freezing your asshole and

you're gonna be in Charlotte? Yeah. Freezing your ass off. And then I just got December 26 and motherfucking Red Bank at the Vogel Theater. Nice, dude. That's the day after Christmas, small, intimate, and now I'm gonna decide where I want to do my monthly show at. It's either the Vogel, Hoboken, uh, Jersey City or City Winery. And that'soken, uh Jersey City This week I'm gonna try to get chairs if you see three or four chairs you like Let me know I'm trying to get harping to throw on the fucking floor and we get that done with you know, this is uh, It means a lot to me this office

I want to get this I've been on a zoom for fucking two years and doing a podcast by myself for a year and a half This it's got to add we gotta get a studio and go back. You saw the bags of goodies. I sent you to there. Oh my god I'm bringing honey to the fucking office by the way, I'm putting a sign up. I'm getting a sign made you dare enter this house Lounge you know saying I want you to sign NAD's everything Again dick, okay, just like a jiu-jitsu school What's that song? Play at your own risk motherfuckers Play at your own risk. I'm telling you play at your own risk

your own risk. I'm telling you, play at your own risk. I'm laughing because there's some people like, yeah, and then like, that doesn't make anybody like that's fucking crazy. Or play at your own risk. That's life, Jackie. Right? No risk. This is the whole fucking thing. We're just taking it back to play at your own risk. I'm telling you It's a great space I'm excited to see what it looks like when I finish we have some We have some ideas already working on they took you to Cal and fucking Ari and Rob Kelly on their way to Cuba And there's gonna be like a tropical fucking storm down there forming No, really? Yeah, they landed today and today they announced listen the lights are going back off cuz fuck Month the zoom is coming this morning My ear is still fucked up I don't have a doctor's appointment.

Wow. To November 18th. Why do you get to wait that long? Who the fuck knows? Oh, but is it a good thing? Is it getting better? It's getting a little better. Taking the time.

I wake up some mornings. It's bloody. It looks like a virgin that went to a fucking orgy you know wore miniskirt and didn't know she was surrounded by animals. So specific. Oh my god. I'm having a good time with the shrooms lately. I'm not seeing the devil I just take the shrooms to giggle and to listen to music.

I go for a ride at night on one of those roads where people do the speed limit. And man, when you're fucking tripping and you see those lights coming at you and you listen to Led Zeppelin fucking hold out a lot of love and you like play at your own risk motherfucker. You signed up for this. You know what I'm saying? There ain't no, there ain't no pulling over in the Coco Express, Jack. up with this you saying they know they know pulling over in the cocoa Express Jack and you think you're not feeling it anymore cuz like aren't you supposed to have like done double your if you take it every day like you start with one the next day to a break like I did some on Halloween and then I had to take a break

because I got too fucked up on Halloween right then I did them again I'm too fucked up on Halloween, right? And then I did them again on Monday night. Last night I did a couple just to get, you know, just to start to- See, you took two days off? Yeah, you take a couple of days off and you make it back. That's not that many days to take off between mushrooms.

Yeah, but then I'll eat them again tonight, a couple of them, and then I won't do them until Friday or Saturday. So you take two to three days off. Usually people take like months off. Four days, you know, I smoke. I'm not doing until Friday or No idea. Oh Oh, that's a tremendous mushroom for Bring honey by the way, what's that brother? I'm definitely bringing honey These things are good they taste like jerky no, don't know. I don't don't worry about me

No, no I a hundred and then I have I had a bag of gummies I left in my car and it melted and congealed into one so to a bite out of that you need the whole thing No That's what you want it melts together Play at your own risk What are you talking about a thousand milligrams in one bite yeah, what else you got to do you got nowhere to go I didn't watch the game. You're not leaving you walk around tomorrow You're gonna be running up those stairs tomorrow when they chase you when you have me a little I just voted Did you vote yet

I'm not trying to start shit. I don't I don't vote either Okay, and you're not a felon No, all right. I just honestly it's not for either i think they're both terrible i just i don't like either of them and at least it's not even it's not even them personally i've i've never done it because i don't any politician i think all of them are liars okay as long as we'm back in the same, but I like some I don't like some The only thing I just don't I don't want people breaking into the fucking border every day. That's you know, that's the thing. I believe about the cut

It just bullshit. Yeah eggs are still gonna stay. I I did get gas today. It was 40 bucks So I was in fucking shock for some reason another some hand Yeah, I want all those off-roads. I couldn't believe it. I filled it up. He said $40 This thing was dry when I pulled in here, I mean it was dry So for it to be 40 hours, I was pretty fucking fortunate, but that's what concerns me. I just don't want to, I have no hatred for Latinos. I have no hatred for anybody who wants to be a fucking American. I just want you to do it the right way. That's it.

Right. So we don't know who these people are coming in. They're bringing gangs from here. This could all be bullshit also. We don't, you know, but obviously some of these fucking people have killed a couple of young girls and raped them and threw them off bridges. Listen, I pray every day,

I'm trying to get healthy like RFK and. By the way, putting a fucking fan behind your head I'm telling you, he has to fucking have some guy next to him. But when I saw him in that speech two weeks ago, I go, oh, god, god, god. I said, look, it'd be the same way if I didn't fucking do something now. But he's built, that dude is in shape. He fucking lifts weights. He does testosterone. That dude's in great shape. So I'm not in great shape. I'm not in great shape.

I'm not in great shape. I'm not in great shape. I'm not in great shape. I'm not in great shape. I'm not in great shape. I'm not in great shape. I'm not in great shape. I'm not in great shape. I'm not in but he's built that dude is in shape. He fucking lifts weights He does testosterone that dudes in great shape. So I'm not in great shape, but I'm trying Fuck yeah, yeah, I'm so excited for this to be over

You know man really gonna be over because we're just gonna open up another chapter of shit this week or next week so I'm really gonna be over because we're just gonna open up another chapter of shit this week or next week. So For me, man, I'm happy that you're healthy. I'm happy that the people who watch this show are healthy and happy at least as happy as they could be and fucking we keep getting stronger every fucking day because The world ain't getting no better as much as you want it to it's not getting no better So that means we got to get better right or wrong Tarzan And that's it nothing's gonna change Another what cocksucker I said nothing's really gonna change no matter what happens. Yeah, so

At the end we all got to go to work We all got to pay taxes and I do that. That's a good for an American. I'm Trying to be a fucking good member of society, especially my community You know, I'm out I do this Wow These mushrooms are kicking in cuz your eyes look like Charles Manson's right now from here now. I'm just teasing Happy election day to everybody be safe and You know, whatever guys it's up to you the future you control your fucking future. So don't worry about nothing I love you. See you next week. Hopefully from an office somewhere. not the week after that. I love you cocksuckers stay black