Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - I ain't going out like no punk

Episode Date: January 23, 2025

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt about what led to his five day hospital stay, the scariest moment, the thought he doesn't allow himself to have and much more! Support the show and get $5 off your next Magic Spoon order at https://www.magicspoon.com/CHURCH Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew free at https://www.bluechew.com Support the show and download the DraftKings Sportsbook app. New customers can bet $5 to get $200 in bonus bets instantly with the code JOEY. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ

What's happening you savages? Uncle Joey Lee Syad here. The Church Awards happening now. The new edition Thursday the 23rd of January. Without further ado, let's get this party started. Uncle Joey here from Magic Spoon. Listen, if you're an adult but you still want to eat like a kid, Magic Spoon is a total game changer. Magic Spoon cereal tastes just like your old favorites, but with a lot of protein and without the sugar. So Magic Spoon actually fills you up with nostalgic flavors like cocoa, cinnamon roll, and birthday cake.

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Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! What's happening you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here, what's up Doug?

Good to see you buddy. Good to be here man. I'm not going to come out here and be like Jamie Foxx. You're not going to dance for the first 10 minutes? No, I'm not going to out here and be like Jamie Foxx, you know. You're not gonna dance for the first 10 minutes? No, I'm not gonna dance. It was nothing fucking serious. I just had some issues, but a lot of other shit went on this week. We got a new motherfucking president. Not that I'm political, but I feel I watched the inauguration for about eight minutes, then I got bored. And then I saw all the celebrities and I'm like, ah, they fucked this shit up too. You know what I'm saying?

Oh my God. You see Theo Von, his chair broke. I saw that afterward online. I didn't know Theo was there. I just thought, you know, it was, I was sitting there going, I wonder all those suckers that were going for Kamala Harris, if they invited them, if they would go, they wouldn't give a fuck. They'd walk over Kamala Harris just to be in a spotlight. That's how those people are. They wouldn't give a fuck. They'd walk over Kamala Harris just to be in the spotlight. That's how those people are. They don't give a fuck.

They weren't serious. Their lives are still going. Their house is burnt down. They're happy. Their lives are still going. They don't give a fuck. But it's a new week. It's a new president.

I can't vote. I'm a felon. I have a felon mind. But sometimes, bro, it's like a new start for you. You hope, like that's as much as, as upset as a lot of people are, you gotta hope that it goes well. What upset? A lot of people are really upset.

What upset? I know, somebody told me that their, a friend of theirs, kids were like fucking traumatized, they had to go to a psychiatrist. When I was 18, all I worried about was crabs, and eating somebody with a yeast infection or something. What am I going to worry about the press? You know what I'm saying? It's so weird how priorities and politics have really eaten up into our society, something that I never saw till about 15 years ago. And it wasn't like, because I think you're right, it seems like that's all, like it's all people care about.

Like it's their whole identities being like on either side, Republican or Democrat, like it's all they care about now. You know, I have friends that blame their lives on the party they belong to. Right. Or the other party. And when I started hearing that when I moved back, I couldn't fucking tolerate it. No. That just wasn't for me.

But, you know, it's funny because I, you know, man, I got a good memory and shit like that. But I can't forget one year for the inauguration, which was January 20th, I was going to court that day. Tomorrow is probably, yeah, tomorrow is 40 something years from my first pinch. I got pinched in Fort Lee in Cliffside for possession of stolen tools. How are you celebrating? I'm not celebrating. I'm not proud of it, but I have a lot of anniversaries in January and February. So, but one of the anniversaries was me going to wait for reconsideration. What's reconsideration?

I can't figure it out, George. I can't figure out the date because I got married in 1989. So that means I was out. Nobody got elected in 89. No. So that means I was out nobody got elected in 89 No Well, they might have been They might have been sworn in in january But there would have still been 90

No, no, no, because the election would have been 88. So So january, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There you go I remember I was going to reconsideration to get out of fucking the halfway house. No, to get out of prison, to get into the halfway house to shorten my sentence. And it was like a nine o'clock fucking sentence. But when I got there, the TV was on, everybody was saluting, the judge and shit. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? They're like, your trial got pushed back to three o'clock.

I was pissed like a motherfucker. I was like, for what? They're just? They're like, your trial got pushed back to three o'clock. I was pissed like a motherfucker. I was like, for what? They're just going to vote him in. It's over. Yeah. They don't give a shit. They pushed it to three, and then I went in there, and he gave me a break.

But by that time, I was going home anyway, so who gave a fuck? But I knew something had happened on inauguration day one year and shit. And reconsideration is like, they'll let you, like, it's almost like a parole hearing? No, reconsider, when I got sentenced, he told me four to six years, but then as I was walking in, he told my attorney to file a reconsideration notice after 90 days.

That means he gets it after 120, they review it, and they could either pardon your sentence. Right. But with me I lucked out because house Colorado house rule 1200 1240 something like that if you were a violent felon first time offenders nonviolent got their sentence cut in half right nice so I was looking at. So I was looking at 48 months, I was looking at 24 months, I did one in county, and one in county counts as two as state, so all I really had to do was 22 months,

you're eligible for a halfway house at 18. Me having a high school diploma, having a job at the time of my arrest, took off months. That's like a word problem, how do you keep track of all that? I'll never forget it. I was gonna say, hey, what's you getting they and I know not now the rules are probably even more Stringent, you know, you gotta have Facebook. You gotta have

Yeah, I mean that's like I that's the whole thing with politics it's like and I think that's like the perfect example I'm sure stuff is changing for a lot of people. Some people it's good. Some people not so good But like life doesn't really change that much and like you like you're still All that may like you're still in prison or you're still going to court. It's not Only the seasons change You're saying like only the fucking seasons change and if you want your life to change you have to make a fucking move But if you're waiting around for a president to come and send you a fucking check you got problems That was and you know what Lee?

From 30 fucking years of experience. I will tell you that there's people and we each know one We each know a person That is waiting for the bluebird of happiness to knock on that fucking door. Yeah. Whether it's with a lottery ticket, whether it's with, you know, you just, and I was there. I know what it's like to go, look at my debt. There's only two ways I'm getting out of that. Killing somebody, taking everything, or hitting the number. Let's be honest. Right.

At one point in your life when you're about 30, you're partying, you're down the shore, you're jumping up and down, you're going to Mama Mia's restaurant in New York, everything is beautiful. At some point you're gonna look at your life and go, wow, I wanna get married. I wanna buy a fucking house. I owe 90 grand in credit cards.

How am I gonna get out of this? And that's any American today that went through the fucking pandemic. How are you gonna get out of this? And that's any American today that went through the fucking pandemic. How are you going to get out of this? So you got what? Two ways, getting a gun, right? That always works, but that don't guarantee any, you know. Works is a little bit. You got to get the right mule, you know what I'm saying? Or fucking hitting the lottery or selling your grandmother's fucking house or something, you know. Dude, because we talked about it. But when we left L.A., I went back and I lived with my mom for

off and on for about four years. And yeah, like 30, whatever I was, it's not exactly like where I thought I was going to be. But I can't imagine if you got in March of 2020, you lost your job and maybe you didn't get one until end of 21, early 22. Ton of people. Ton of people.

You're fucked. And they gave out unemployment and they gave out those loans. But it was 400 bucks a week. That's 1,600 a month. That's not fucking bad. What's in New York, it's just enough to be fucking homeless. I know. But if you're fucking collecting unemployment in New York, you know, I don't know what to

tell you. That's why every woman went on OnlyFans. I don't blame them. The broads were the smartest ones in the world. They said, you know what? It's time to show this pussy. Not really. I can show it with a silhouette.

I can just show titties. You know, that's it. Look how freedom the women. But I heard that OnlyFans are starting to fuck up women now. What are they doing? I don't know, they're psychologically falling apart. Some chick fucked 1,000 guys in 12 hours. Did you see that?

I didn't see it. I saw her picture on fucking Twitter, and you could tell, like, you know, everybody had a payday with her when their family treat. You know, her first fuck was her uncle and his brother you know if you're taking a thousand dicks in a day something went wrong guys a thousand dicks she went into a Burger King the black kids case she scared that's me like some chicks comes up and goes I want to say somebody goes like some way you can go so I can suck your dick.

Listen, if you're asking me, it's never going to happen. I got to ask you, I got to pick you up and take you on my shoulder. You know what I'm saying? But for a woman to come into a Burger King and say to you, listen, I want to suck your dick and light you on fire, I'm going to take a pass on that for right now. I'm going to finish my chicken sandwich. Because when you say it now, I'm like, oh, I would do it. But yeah, if you're working,

or I don't know if he was working or a customer, but if someone just randomly comes, I'm gonna think it's like a scam or like a setup or she has AIDS. I don't know if I'd do it either. Yeah, there's a lot of problems there. There's a lot of thinking there. Dude, I wasn't- She got AIDS.

Dude, I get scared about everything. You could taste some meat, that that little monkey with AIDS soup AIDS soup. Yeah, you'll be perfect. No, I'll be dead What you'll never get COVID again, look at it that way Yeah, cuz I'll be dead in no, hey, there's no dog. There's a lot of men living with Age right magic Jonathan has a billion dollars. I don't have a billion dollars. But listen, trust me, there's a lot of men living with AIDS right now. They've come up with vitamins and minerals that'll change your fucking life. I don't want to take vitamins and minerals. I didn't say you did. I'm just saying if you don't want cold, you get AIDS.

Oh my, but dude, when I was in Texas at the end of last year, you can't watch porn. So like, and I swear to you, it was the first time in my life that I signed I paid for porn. I signed up for only if I did three only fans It was one of the stupidest first of all two of them were three dollars a month Three dollars and then but they fuck you because you can't see it So when you pay the three dollars, then you got to go in and pay $80 for one picture But I think I found like the probably the best like I love our podcast. It's probably the best podcast in the world It's this dude. It's his porn star his wife

Who's a porn star and they have like half an hour where they talk and they're like, hey How did you get into porn and then they just take their clothes off and they fuck Yes Pretty good podcast but it's on the porno site. It's not a bad idea. Yeah, it's a pretty good podcast. But it's on the porno sites? It's on OnlyFans. You have to pay, it was like, I paid like, I think it was like 20 bucks. But they're married? They're porn stars, yeah, but they fuck everybody. Oh, so other people come in? Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, other porn stars come in and they just, I didn't watch one second of the party. I fast-forwarded it right until they were naked and then but I can't even imagine Holy shit that can you imagine like when we started podcasting? Do you ever think there'd be like a live?

Couple fucking on the body. Not really, you know, but dog things are going The world is in a different fucking place. And I hear, listen, I like my computer. I've been in trouble all my life. I just want peace. Right. You know, I get people who pull me aside and tell me to go here and VPN. I won't do it.

Like I don't want to see the dark side. I've already lived it. Right. So for me to go into the dark side now, you go on VPN and buy guns and fucking you know You can buy any that was one of the guys that rangers and all that shit You know, I just I don't need that my wife right now I don't know some guy knocking on my door and fucking my wife's upstairs. Did you try to buy fucking?

From Russia some shit, you know, I just don't need it The worst thing I've ever done on that computer is order Chinese shirts from a communist country. What? Those little Cuban Chinese shirts that the Cubans used to wear. Okay. I don't know Yeah, it's just a three button Louie cut over here on the sleeve white silk Okay fucking tremendous like a communist thing on no and then you cut the buttons and you get gold initials like a real fucking spick and you get a cigar Suck my dick, you know say mama la pica. Oh my god, that's a Cuban. Meanwhile, the kids are at home crying They got no food, but this motherfucker is on Bergen land Avenue with three fucking initials blasted with diamonds Jesus, but I tried to get those shirts but I

only like the biggest Chinese size like the biggest because I just want to try it I could always order more and I could shrink it the 6x didn't even get on my head oh no yeah I still got the shirts because I don't want to pay like fucking 80 bucks 80 oh Jesus Christ badass you iron them with fucking starch your shit looks fresh you bust what the only sure the only time Bruce I pay like fucking 80 bucks 80. Oh Jesus Christ bad ass you iron them with fucking starch Your shit looks fresh you bust what the only shirt only time Bruce Lee wore one was in Fist of Fury Okay, we're one of those Cuban shirts. He wore one. What do you think? Like I don't know how old you were in Seattle when you were dating the stripper

But if she had if only fans was around and she's like listen, I on OnlyFans. I want you to fuck me on OnlyFans. Would you have done it at 30? No. No? You can't get that back. Yeah, but you were broke. Doesn't matter. You can't get that back. Oh, I agree. I'm not. You can't get that back.

And someday there's just some shit that you have to look at realistically. I already had enough skeletons in my closet, right? You know, I uh, I Didn't want to know I never had Any fucking doubts about doing porn. I always thought it was disgusting You know, listen, I do a lot of crazy shit, but there's not one woman that could look at me and go, you sent me a dick pic, or you sent me a picture of your balls. There's not one woman that could say that. I'll tell you why, because I would

never do that. It's scary. Because once your dick is out there, it's out there for good. The Martians got it. You got a drone over your house. Once know Picture to that girl dog. I had a friend in LA She was half retarded. She wasn't the sharpest girl in the world, but she was a sweet girl and I knew her for like two years She'd always talked to me at comedy shows. She wasn't a comedian She worked for an agency and one day she told me That she wanted on a date with a guy and she started dating him, you know, and she goes after a while we started having sex but he would never bring me home. He would never bring me to his house.

It was like his roommate's apartment or something, something weird. She goes he moved away. I never heard from him again. And one time I got a call one day that I was on a sex site. No. Having sex with this guy. And she contacted attorneys. They couldn't get the video off.

They were suing people. Damn. You know, this is 20 years ago, guys. I don't know that that did happen. That shit always happens. Yeah. You know, a girl sends you a picture. You save it. You're in love with them. One day she blows your brother. You're going to put it on fucking YouTube. You know I'm saying You're gonna put it on YouTube. You're gonna do something stupid. Yeah, you know, so

It's like I always said I stole a lot of things in my life, but I never stole a car Why because they got you right? I can't get out of it. You're in the fucking car You're not running with the bag and you let it go You don't say that's right. You're in the car, right? That's it. You got me. There's no way you can go all that sex shit, it's it's You know and listen, I've always wanted women to be independent Okay, I mean let's be honest with you if I was 24 right now Okay, I mean let's be honest with you if I was 24 right now and I had a great body and I look good I would be on only fans. How are you show my dick and balls? It'd be me swinging kettlebells

rubbing fucking orange juice on myself Jumping up and down to YMCA That's what I'd be doing. I wouldn't be you know, right if you want that there's a $15,000 and that takes that whole thing away people won't even look at you for that But there's a lot of chicks and probably there's people who buy socks They're sniff socks and whack off. There's people who look at your picture and bang one up. For example I'm in the hospital the other day and weird sciences on Anybody remember weird science except for George?

Weird science has one of the hottest women of all time, Kelly LeBrock and that motherfucker. She takes a shower with those two little boys. How many times did I bang my dick out? Just to the silhouette. I didn't even know what to need, what a pussy looked like. I just imagined it was dark with a lot of hair. It's 1983, where you going?

And then she did the woman in red. And in the woman in red, she shows her a pussy when Gene Wilder knocks on the door. She goes like this dog I had that motherfucker on freeze and snowmass Bangin went out. Yeah on freeze dog on freeze. It's like shaking a little bit When we were 18 Tungley Avenue had those When you were a kid, when we were 18, Tunley Avenue had those portal hotels. And if you went to Channel 9, you could see like a dick crooked because they would send, you had to call the Arab.

Hello, hello, hello, Channel 9, you want this sex package? Yes, I do. And he would put it on and then, you know, it was even more disgusting, you know? But I'd never really been a bad, I look at my dick and I go You know, but always when I was 21 and 24, I'd take it out and show it to you. That's that's the first thing. Hello Bam The cubanegro front and center. I can't believe you did it on stage at the comedy store. That's that is ball

I I'll do almost anything on stage Me to take my dick out and I told the chick you're gonna take my dick out Take that little monkey out and this bitch said done and I couldn't go backwards after that No, how you fail you gave the lady your word But in those days not everybody had a camera a phone with a camera on it I I did that shit before the phone with the camera Oh, well, yeah that makes up but even like there's something weird about I'll say, I'll say anything to anybody on stage.

I really will. But I don't think I take my dick out. I don't even, even if every camera was locked up, that's a baller move. That's a lot of confidence. That was the only time I took it out. Like in the hole with cock balls, Bobby Lee was going nuts.

Rogan was going nuts. Rogan was going nuts. Chewie was going nuts. I was a Friday night at the store. Place was fucking packed and it was on. And I remember one time I looked at the glass and everybody was looking through the fucking glass. I'm like, God damn, this is how to rock the fucking comedy store.

That's tonight I got off stage and some guy comes up to me, hello, Mr. Deas. I'm like, how you doing? And's like, I'd like to book you. And I'm like, where? And he goes, I'll have you next Friday in Rotterdam, Saturday in Amsterdam, and Sunday in Birmingham. You know what I'm saying? And I'm like, are you serious? He goes, I'll get you a passport and everything. And I'm like, get the fuck out of here. He goes, next week. He goes, Monday, call this number.

It's on Wilshire. He gave me a fucking money order for 250 or cash he gave me something. He goes, go down there, put everything in. I'll expedite it. You'll be in fucking, by Thursday I got to Kennedy airport and I went to do with Spanish or something. I started to Kennedy Airport and I went and the dude was Spanish or something. I started talking to him and her about Puerto Rico or some shit and the chick looked at him

and they looked at each other and she said, can I talk to you for a minute? She goes, if I process you somewhere along the line you're gonna get stopped and they're gonna bring you back against their terms or hold you. There was a loop with my visa at the time. I didn't have a visa. This guy got me one of those quick Fucking you know at that time a visa was ten bucks. So right if you gave him 300 bucks to give it to you that day It's 300 times profit the guy goes if I put you through there. He goes, I don't know what's going on They're gonna flag you he goes you're gonna get through me, but I don't want you to get flagged in fucking Austria. And I was like, throw this away. And I just walked back and I took that flight

from all the way. Cause there's another airline up in, there's another airport in Long Island, not just Kennedy, all the way at the tip that Southwest flies out of. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Islip or something? Islip. Islip. So I had to take fucking Southwest from there. That's the tip of the other side of the earth.

That's like an extra hour to that flight. And I think if you take that flight from Islip to fucking California, it's three stops. Three? I think so. And you didn't have a phone to call the guy who booked you, I would imagine. No, I had a page in those days. That's all you need.

You don't need my number, just page me. Holy shit. It was a fucking nightmare. But hey, listen, I got out of it. I wouldn't want to, you know, who knows? I would have been in Austria fucking doing comedy like Ronald and shit like that. You know what I'm saying?

I just saw a clip today, Gary Owen, he put up, he had a story that he filed for divorce in Ohio and his wife filed in California and he was doing a show in Florida and his lawyer called him and was like, you gotta cancel your second show. You're about to get served and if they serve you, your divorce is gonna to happen in California.

And it's a 50 50 state. So it could so it's just it's great like to cancel a show because that process server is going to come. Did you ever get no one ever fucked with the other show? Like no, no. Early on when I first got into comedy, I owed every credit card. I would get to a fucking club. Like I get the comedy works for the open mic on Tuesday. Right. And they come to me and go, oh, get to a fucking club. Like I get to ComedyWorks for the open mic on Tuesdays. And they come to me and go, oh, you got a phone call. I'm like, fucking HBO.

And it was a 1-800 number. And I called back, like, I discovered card. I'm like, holy shit. Anywhere I would go, at one point, the phone would ring from a creditor when you got that. That's how scary my life got, dog. And you weren't even putting stuff up online then. So there was no online back then. So how did they find you? No. Dawg, I don't know.

Holy shit. I don't know. It was fucking crazy. When I first went AWOL on the cards after I got divorced for like a year, they didn't stop. And I didn't stop either. Once they started playing hardball, I started playing hardball. How do you play hardball with Visa? All of them. Discover, Amex, Visa at the time.

I just started doing, you know, like, I had those Discover checks in my drawer. In the 90s, Discover sent you a car for $500, but they also wrote wrote you a concrete blank checks, right? Then you could use those motherfuckers, you know towards that 500. Okay, so one night that the count was closed And I just took a check and went to the bank For a thousand bucks. I put it in there and the lady came to her. How do you want your money? 20s want your money? Uh, 20s.

And I couldn't believe she gave it to me on a Saturday night at 11 o'clock at night. Boulder was open 24 fucking hours. That bank on 30th street. Let me tell you what else happened at that fucking bank. I took the money. I got high. I did whatever. I lived like a doctor on Sunday. Monday morning, 901, they paid me. And they said, bring your car in. We're going to repo it and you better have that money by three o'clock when the bank closes or they're going to press charges. I couldn't get the thousand bucks so the lady worked out a fucking deal where the Discover loan got tagged onto my bank loan for the car. I had an Acura at the time and an Integra. That's the same bank like in 1995.

Some motherfucker took one of those things they put down, those cones. Okay. He put down cones in all the lanes in Boulder, the smartest city in the world. down cones and all the lanes in Boulder, the smartest city in the world, he put lanes down and he goes, the tellers are not working, leave your deposit in the box. You can't believe how many people left their deposit in the box. You kind of deserve it at that point. Yeah, it's felony stupid, you know It's totally stupid

Leave it and dude like I can't even imagine what the difference is Like do you feel like is that why you don't get stressed about stuff a lot? Because I can't imagine the stress you had Back then writing fake chat or whatever and then now Like I never wrote a fake check not a fake Think on that one. I wasn't a fake checker, but I had written, you know checks Like when you have $22 on your account, right you write one for 8,000, you know shit like that I know that even close like that

But then also like the credit card that you had like to have and we were talking about at the beginning like to have debt like that I've been blind there were times where I was broke But I was very lucky the most I ever got was a couple thousand in credit card debt. I can't imagine having 50,000 like I can't imagine the stress it puts on you. How many people, I mean, we have a mutual friend. What were her student loan payments a month? Oh, shit, was it like a thousand or so? No, the Mexican.

Oh, Jesus. Remember you had a number, you were concerned if something ever happened? It was like thousand, it was a lot. I forget now, but it was like- 1,400 a month. Jesus. The Mexican check. Yeah, I forget now. But it was like- 1400 a month. Jesus. The Mexican check.

Yeah, I remember. You know what I'm talking about, why you here? Yeah, no, I remember. You know, I mean, it's, 1400 is your first payment every month, before rent, before car, insurance. 1400, to a person who's 24 years old 25 26 That's fucking stress guys

But again, you got her first year salary is gonna be 140 Okay, but still it was it was and there was ten years. Mm-hmm. Remember was a long sentence It wasn't one of these three-year 24 months like 9% APR. You know what I'm saying? Remember we have towards the end of the LA podcast, we had someone come on and she was brand new to LA and she had like a Mercedes for like 900 a month.

900 a month. Ah. Dude. 900 a month. You know, and again, you look at something and I understand you have to have some type of image, but you know what? I'd rather eat and start blowing show up on a fucking scooter. You know what I'm saying? I'd rather show up with a little Chinese guy. I'm whipping him than fucking show up with that. And I'm living like a fucking pauper. I'm hiding from

the landlord. And that's a lot of people will do that. I've been, listen, I was in Los Angeles for a long time and I saw so many people that had six figure cars. And I'm like, well, those people disappeared nine months. You never saw them again. Something always happened. The mother died. They had to go back. They just disappeared.

There was a lot of people that were just trying to set up shop and be big shots they'll take their whole credit card go buy a couple of our money suits some shoes and That's how they'll play it. They'll rent the house and tell you they own it right up in Malibu or whatever. Well, there's nothing left Now, you know they're lying for sure Yeah, but you know what I'm saying? They'll go up into Hollywood Hills, they'll rent the house, it's $29,000 a month. My buddy was renting a house, pre-boxing me for $10,000 a month. $10,000 a month.

Nice house, but he had no furniture. You walk in there, there was a table and that's it. And a TV and a couch. Ten thousand a month. If you want to pay it, don't take your money. You can live just like Tony Montana. You can have the exact same house like fucking Tony. It's amazing. You know it. You saw it. You could just move to LA and play the role. That's it. Avanter Productions. How you doing? Joey D as Avanter Productions. I'm thinking of doing an eight-part series on the Spanish-American Influencer. The fuck outta here?

Yeah. The fuck do you know? I... And those motherfuckers piss me off and I'll tell you why. Why? Because they always fuck with people when they're the most vulnerable. And that's why I've always hated those people. I've done a lot of bad shit. Okay, but I don't fuck with people when they're the most vulnerable. And that's why I've always hated those people.

I've done a lot of bad shit, okay? But I don't fuck with people's talent. I know what it feels like when you're fucking not eating for three days and some other fucker bumps into you and says, I can make you a star. And you're like, really? I just want a steak sandwich. You know what I'm saying? It's all I need is a steak sandwich and a little bag of fries. Give me a fucking gram of blow and you won't hear from me for a week. That's all I needed, right? You know, but there's people come up here and they fucking like I'm gonna do this for you this for you And then you realize like this guy's a fucking bum Like and it continues in LA and it continues in New York

You're always gonna bump into those people that come in with a bullshit story. I used to work for this guy I want to help you and you're sitting there and you're vulnerable and you go, you know what? Let me do some work with this guy and he takes you into a deeper hole of depression Oh, and I love it because I got because of you and I don't I'd like I'd like to think I'm not The most retarded person but like I was at an open mic this week and this dude was there and he had like eight jackets on a bunch of scarves and he was like hey do you want to be in my documentary and the people were saying yes and I looked at his phone he was filming it a on his phone b he wasn't even on their face he was just on their shoulder like there's like there's people who

are just crazy and I think it's like we want it so bad that we're willing, oh, anything that we can do to go viral or to like that's- Because we're vulnerable. We're hungry. We want what our friends want. You know, it looks nice on paper. You know, Doug, I get this once a month on Instagram, like how to become famous. Like people actually go out of their way and say that.

I just look at, you know that you have like those things on Instagram of people that are your friends and then once in a while you slide it over and it's a bunch of people you don't know. The messages? You gotta read those messages. They're not good. Those things are not good.

Dude, I had this guy, I'm sure it happens to you all the time, there was this one dude who on every money platform was sending me requests on a daily basis. I don't know what kind of money people think I have. I'm not doing bad, but I don't have give random people money kind of money. And this dude, every, asked I asked a couple comics Like who I was opening for and like oh, yeah, I get that same guy Like it's just every day a mess like a message on a different app It's a crazy world the internet

We're gonna take a breather real quick talk to you about better help about draft Kings the Super Bowl NBA we got it all we'll be right back Kings, the Super Bowl, NBA, we got it all. We'll be right back. What's happening beautiful people? Uncle Joey for BetterHelp. As a matter of fact, this episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Listen, I'm sure you're like everybody else, you have huge goals for 2025 and you need some help reaching them. BetterHelp is your answer. BetterHelp's online therapy is affordable, convenient, and you'll get access to a network of over 30,000 therapists with a huge range of specialties. Whether you're working through struggles with your career, your kids, your family, self-esteem,

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Void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.co.slash.audio. We're back, you savages. Another interesting thing that happened this week was and again I don't even know why I'm bringing this up I was just hoping to get a fucking reaction out of you cocksuckers. The hostages got free only three but it starts with three, right? That's all that got out is three?

You're my Israeli news. They got the three and then we gave them 36 soldiers or something like that. I don't know. I was too busy with my own dilemma. So New Year's came and went. I got to be honest with you guys. You guys know me. I was excited about the holidays this year, honest to God.

I was in LA all those years for the holidays. I came back here, the first year was kind of quiet. Then the next year was just us. Then the following years when I came back from Nashville and I spent it by myself, my wife was mad at me for three weeks. And then I was looking forward to this year. My wife was mad at me for three weeks. And then I was looking forward to this year. My nieces were coming. I was trying to fuck them and have

a great holiday. So starting like October, I was like, fuck it. It's the holiday. October, starting Halloween? Yeah. And I started talking to Fung factory farms, and they started sending me those death mushrooms And I'm like god damn. I went from eating two stems to three to four when did you eat two stems? you know and You know listen guys. I was just having a good time Blown off steam. I was having a great time doing stand-up, you know I was still eating a bag of dicks from time to time, but at least I was out there

It's better than me But I had a lot of my fucking coconut like I just had a lot about dates and what I wanted to do and this And I'm like, you know And I have you know, Osteria is by my house, which I love that place I could always eat a handful of mushrooms and just sit at the bar And I have, you know, Osterias by my house, which I love that place. I could always eat a handful of mushrooms and just sit at the bar and laugh my ass off there, which I was doing a lot of nights. You know, that's what I would do.

I would just fucking grab a handful, sprinkle it on a pizza, fucking eat the pizza. I go see my little Arab friend over at the fucking pizza place and Carlos, the girl, I love her. She'd give me a cheese slice, I'd put like six grams of mushroom in it, and eat the pizza right in front of it. She'd just shake her head. And then I'd drive around until the mushroom hit me.

You know what I'm saying? It's loud fucking music, that's my world. And that's what I was doing. Then I'd go to Asturian, giggle, and then by the time I got home, the house was alive. At least I'd be home alive. So when I got home, I made Terry get up, come on, let's go.

Bah bah bah, goof around with her, make mercy come down. So I was just in a better fucking mood, guys, you know? But if you know anything about Uncle Joey, he just went deep into the milk. I just was going deep. And I went deep, straight to fucking New Year's. Straight. Like I would take three days off the shrooms

and then go two days and they take four days off. But those two days, I was eating 12 or 13 or 14 grams. This wasn't no hoop-de-loop motherfucker here. Let's be honest, you have no idea how much you were eating because you were just going by handful. We just eat by sound. Because I like that euphoria when it first hits you. You know, that's what everybody likes about getting high the euphoria whether it's

You know You're gonna get fucking high that euphoria, you know later on with the mushrooms I would take them to keep up And it's like reefer. I need that that first so let me eat 14 grams up front so I don't go that deep you know saying those of you asking one gram is you like what I would take two to two and a half maybe three and I'd have a real I would be fucked up 14 that's all doesn't matter what do you mean it doesn't matter fucking matter right you know and it was, all right? You know, and it was like. All right. It's just a number, motherfucker.

Just a number. Okay. So it's just weird. Like I started feeling shitty on the third. The third, it was the first was Thursday, Friday was the second, and that third, I remember going, everything caught up with me. I was done, I hadn't been smoking.

I was like, something's wrong with my chest. And then Sunday, I didn't feel good. Then Monday, I woke up sick. Tuesday, I was sick. And Wednesday was Mercy's birthday. And I finally went to the doctor and he goes, I think you should fucking go to the hospital. But they gave me a couple of treatments of the albuterol and I finally went to the doctor and he goes I think you should fucking go to the hospital but they gave me a couple treatments of the albuterol and I felt better but it was just a bandaid.

Right. Like when I got outside, once you go outside and the air was cold it would just lock me up guys. It would just lock me up like I was like, hmm, I could do this. And then we had a villa one that Monday. Mm hmm. And then the Tuesday was the open mic. Right. And you were OK. And I was the no, no, no.

When I. Because I remember the open mic, you said like you said you weren't feeling good good but you went up. What's that? You went up and... No, I got there. I was closing the show so I didn't want to cancel so I went down there but I noticed that after five minutes that I started sweating profusely. Yeah, you did say that after you got off stage.

And I did not sweat like that since my cocaine days. Not that I would do coke before I went on stage, but I would, sweat, not do coke before I went on stage. If I did coke the night before, that night, even if I went on stage at 11.45, it could be freezing out and I'd break into a sweat. And that's how you knew I was doing coke the night before.

I always sweat in that show. So when I got on that stage and after four or five minutes I could feel sweat dripping down my back. There's one thing to get a little sweat over here, but when you feel it, and then my breathing started getting elevated when I was up there. And I had the bag of mushrooms. Yes you did.

Because I did feel good when I left the house. Thank God I didn't eat them. Because once I got off stage, I'm like, this is done. My back, I could feel the wrist, my shirt was wet in the back. And the fucking sweatshirt was drenched around me. I'm like, no bueno. And you didn't even do an hour.

You did like what, 20, 30 minutes? 20, 30 minutes. I went home. And the next morning, it was no fucking good. I went to get coffee and my daughter came around and goes, what's going on? I was no fucking good. I went to get coffee and My daughter came around and goes what's going on? I couldn't fucking breathe I was just hanging by the sink and I had a pee and I couldn't make it to the bathroom So I just went on my back porch and took my dick out behind the barbecue like a savage. It's fucking squirting I'm almost faint

At least you made it to the porch are I thought you were going to say you peed on the floor. No. Then Mercy went to school and I told my wife, let's go. I was going to go to Center State. Okay. Right. And then a friend of mine called me. She goes, if you think it's your heart, shoot to Neptune.

Because you had to cancel the show Wednesday night too. Wednesday night. Wednesday night I got dressed. Like at three I knew I'm not feeling good but if I rest a little bit the drive up will be easy the drive back will be easy it'll be a fucking I'll do 35 minutes all these gorillas are up there anyway I go I could do it I felt good I ate a little something I went in the shower when I was in the shower I'm like this is gonna be a motherfucker I went downstairs started the car and when I went outside in the cold, I'm like, this is gonna be a motherfucker. I went downstairs, started the car,

and when I went outside in the cold, it was cold that night. Yeah, fuck it. When I went outside, when I came in, my wife's like, why are you sitting down? And she looked at me, she's like, oh no, you're in no, I couldn't fucking breathe. I walked in the car, inside,

something I do every goddamn day, 10 times a day. And there's no stairs and no nothing? No, there was no stairs. I just couldn't breathe guys So I said tomorrow if I feel this way i'm going in I did And when I went in that dog, my blood pressure was 190 over 130 My pulse was fucking done. In fact, they took my vitals and rushed me to get an ekg My oxygen level was 88 I thought it was even lower than that's crazy In fact, they took my vitals and rushed me to get an EKG. My oxygen level was 88.

I thought it was even lower than that's crazy. They took me, they said, you're admitted. They took me into the hallway. They put a fucking boop in my arm, IV. They started blasting away, fucking shooting this in me, this in me, this in me. And they got me a room. And then my wife was there with me for a little while. And then fucking Lee showed up with fucking goodies.

Was Scarface on when you were there? No, what was on? No, Scarface wasn't on. And that was fucked up because you were in the TV. No, it was Remember the Titans. Oh, that's a good football movie. That was a good movie. You ever see that? It was fucked up because you were the TV. No, it was remember the Titans. Oh, that's a good football That was a good movie. You see that it was fucked up because the sound was coming out of the remote So you left me the speakers. I tried to yeah from the airlines and those speakers. It's like getting the iphone

Listen that iphone no, it's like when you're born god knows when you're gonna die only him the iphone when you buy it There's a date inside When it's gonna die, okay airline speakers, they have a date too. They just dead like in the middle of movies I'm trying to fix this thing cuz I had a mind you put it off the edge of the thing it was a turn of the Titans then you left and Then I was down there for maybe two other hours with people coming in and talking to me. Yeah. Like all the doctors, I was talking to them and shit.

So next thing you know, like we're trying to find you a room. When I went out, I would go in the hallway to walk around. I had to sit right back down. And there were people all out in the hallways. Yeah, that's scary. These old people out there, there was a lady who kept saying, hello, hello. Oh, I forgot about that. Hello, hello.

Doug, she said hello for three hours straight. You understand me? I thought I was like in the fucking criminal hall of fame. Hello, hello, hello, hello. Dude, I thought I was like in the fucking criminal Hall of Fame. Hello Do ERS I was someone else that I know was in the ER last week and then you were it is I'm very happy that I've been healthy cuz it's They like they literally will put a bed in front of another bed in the hallway We don't have anything you don't have like you don't have anywhere to plug in your phone.

Just even look at anything. And they're just walking around. The ER is a scary place. The room you had was a lot better. Well, that was a room in the ER. I was still downstairs among the animals. I ate, Lee left. And then they brought me up around 10.

And it was a two-man room. That guy was crumpled up, making weird noises. They put me in the corner in the window side. This had a window view. I had my own TV. The room was cut in half and I had my own bathroom. He had his own bathroom. About 2 o'clock, I'm like, I'm going to fall.

I didn't bring my sleep at me machine So they brought me one of their machines, which was basically a ventilator It sounded like a fucking car engine. Oh, no, you know when I could not what what what fucking number of you? I don't know Fucking car engine I'm about to fucking take off with that mask on. About three, dog, I started getting depressed. I woke Terry up, I gotta go home. I've been here for fucking 15 hours,

nobody knows dick, they already took blood out of me from everywhere. Right. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, and she's like, don't leave. And I got to the nurse and I go, listen, I'm thinking of fucking Ubering and I got the nurse and I go listen I'm thinking of fucking Ubering.

I contact the Uber and they said we got an Uber there in seven minutes. You'll be home by 5.03 or something. And my wife called back and she was really upset because she got a stay dog. What the fuck. And I Agree, I sat there at six. I was fucking starving So they gave me some cereal and shit like that and then at nine breakfast came now The guy next to me as much as I wanted to leave. I'm like, I'm gonna give these motherfuckers till about three You know the guy next to me

was Complaining they, that some doctor came in first thing in the morning and told him if everything went right, he could go home. Once they tell you that, that fucks you up. Every time somebody came in to talk to that guy after that, he kept saying, yeah, but the first doctor said I could fucking leave. This went on for about two or three hours with this guy. I Went down the test to do some type of test and when I came back they let the guy out He didn't make it to the elevator Once they they discharge you you got to start in the basement again, huh?

They put him right back so he forced his way out and he fucking fell in the elevator. And he fell and he fucking didn't make it and now he was getting surgery. You know what? And I was like, I'm done. I'm gonna sit right here like I own this motherfucker. I was gonna say because people- There's nowhere to go. I had no weed, but I had a backpack and I went to get a pen and what was in there? one single mushroom stem. I looked at it, it was one long one with a little cap and I go, how do I do this?

I just put it right back in there. It's still in the bag, it's my lucky mushroom stem. Thank God. And when my wife came, she goes, I brought your shaving kit. And when I opened the shaving kit, I had edibles in there. Oh shit. And right away I'm like, I'm gonna do edibles. But I was like, I had edibles in there. Oh, shit. And right away, I'm like, I'm going to do edibles.

But I was like, I'm going to do this right. Let me do this and do this right and get this over with. And then I had another roommate and I started talking to him and he turned out to be a fucking savage, this guy from Vietnam. And the next morning, like when he came in, I go, they gave me cereal. If you want cereal, he goes, yeah, but I can't move. I go, I'll get it for you. I got some cereal, cranberry juice, and shit.

But then that afternoon, they moved me to my own room. And I tell you, the nurses were great. Dog, I'm scared of my own shadow. When it comes to hospitals and doctors, dog, it is a fucking nightmare for a guy like me. They gave me 10 shots just on this arm. If I show you my arm, it's just bruised up over here from the fucking blood clot. Oh, no.

So I wouldn't have got a blood clot. Thank God. That's why I walked every hour in the hour, because you're fucking sitting there all day. I wouldn't even lay on the bed. I would sit in the chair and read. I was reading a fucking book, but I would walk every hour on the hour. And sometimes they'd make me walk with the oxygen on my finger and it would show them. My finger, my fingerprints are gone. If I was ever going to be a burglar, this is the fucking week

because they came up every fucking hour and took blood out of each finger. I swear to God, they took so much blood out of this finger. It was out of blood. Like the fucking Filipino nurse, they had to send the head nurse, Carmelita, I loved her to death. And she's like, you have no blood, Mr. Diaz. I go, yeah.

Because they've taken every fucking ventricle, whatever. So they started on this hand, this, this. I still can't feel my fucking things. No wonder people get diabetes. Look at my fingers, how hard they are. They look like little sausages and shit. Cause I re-grew skin like a motherfucker. I swear to God, they shot me with fucking needles.

And that was twice a day, that hefebrin, hefebrin, whatever the fuck, that was twice a day. Do we want me to tell you it hurt? No, it didn't hurt. The fucking worst pain I got was when I first checked in, she goes, I'm gonna take some blood. I didn't expect to fucking for it to hurt me, but she was putting an IV in.

So it took me a little deeper, but I was okay. I didn't pass out. But I had some fucking adventures in there with the needles. I really did because they have rolling veins. So they can't. I got good veins but they roll. So when you stick a needle they disappear. So the first night they tried five different fucking IVs on me. How I didn't snap I don't know. I was gonna say because people were checking in with me and at first I didn't know what you wanted me to say and then when I

could tell a few people what I said like because some some people like how mad is he? I'm like, you know what? Though I will say the first the Thursday when I was there the first time you did say you had a couple 50s to try to Brought your own. I showed up with 800 Fucking money stash and I fucking took it all and I went down I go I had like six Dollar bills two of those hundreds will get me anywhere in this country. You understand me? So I always knew I had it out. I always knew if things got danger, somebody give me a run right on for the small 200.

But you handled it pretty well. Like, I had no choice. I had no every once in a while I got to come to terms with what's going on. Right. Because what's worse? You ever try going to the doctor nowadays, guy? Okay. It's impossible. Your piss hurts. You gotta go to your main doctor.

That's a small 50. You gotta drive the morning and then you gotta go to your fucking, now you gotta sign up an appointment with this douchebag and now your emails are going off because checking in, are you checking in for your appointment next Thursday? It's next Thursday.

You know what I'm saying? They fucking torture the fuck out of you. But even that, like if you were sick today, you couldn't probably get into your regular doctor for like a month. No, and guess what? What? For three fucking months I couldn't get into my regular doctor. On the drive up here today she called, oops, we have an appointment tomorrow, 11.30. Can you fucking believe that? I couldn't get in there for eight fucking months.

Now all of a sudden they're calling me to tell me I fucking got an appointment 1130 more morning So this is the weirdest thing about the medical fucking field but the the whack the whole the craziest event I had guys was Okay, so they did a bunch of x-rays. They did a bunch of tests. They took a bunch of blood They were taking three to four tubes a day of blood. First thing in the morning, needle in the vein with the fucking leg. I see your mother. What's the leg? I don't know, it's like an air pump and it fills up three tubes like you know.

Oh Jesus. I don't know. I don't look. After the dude says this to me on Friday, he goes, listen Joey, we got one test we're going to give you. And what they do is they slit your wrist and they put this up your wrist and it goes into your heart. And if you need a stint or a balloon, it does it right on the spot. And then, and he goes, but it could cause a stroke.

It could do this. It could do that. I said, listen, let's just fucking do this shit, right? Okay. So Monday comes and they're gonna do this test on me. It's supposed to be at like nine, maybe ten o'clock. They're like, you can't eat after midnight. And I'm like, that's not gonna work. That's if I'm gonna see you at seven for blood. But if you're gonna take me somewhere at seven and not feed me, so I got up at five

and I had two boxes of Rice Krispies and an apple or something and a fruit bowl, right? Just to fill me up a little bit. And then sure enough, they didn't come get me till 10 o'clock. So I was prepared. At least I wouldn't go insane. Right.

When I get down 10, they're like, oh, you're not even going in for another hour. The guy's still in front of you and they got to clean the room. So I knew I was fucking prepared. But in the meanwhile, they came over to me and they go, you know exactly what you're going to do? And I'm like, not really. And they're like, all right, we'll break it down for you.

We're going to take you in there. Hold on. All right, so we're going to take you in there. They're going to put the thing in your arm. It's going to go through your heart. They're going to fix it. If it's non-fixable, if there's nothing going on, we won't do nothing. But if there is going on and it's not the balloon in the stent, we're on the wire with

a heart doctor, a whole team, and we decide what we're going to do with you. That if we're going to continue the surgery. And I go, you guys didn't tell me about this third option. It was a balloon and that's it. All of a sudden you're thrown what's behind door number three. You know what I'm saying? Open heart surgery? Like legit.

No, they was going to do something else. They have to do something. The guy's name was Dr. Gergis. He was great. He was fucking great. His assistant was telling me this, right? So he goes, they go through your wrist. And if for some reason they can't,

they go through your nut, whatever, through the groin. I go, okay, no problem. When this guy leaves, this little Salvadorian lady comes in, hello Mr. Diaz. And she's like, I'm gonna get you ready for surgery. She starts shaving my arm. And also she goes, okay, put a towel between your legs. I'm good.

I go, no, no. I go, no, no, no, no, they're doing the wrist. She goes, but just in case, we have to do this. I don't want to come back in and shave hair and go everywhere. And I'm like, ah. So she put a little towel on me like the rock. I was just laying there and just shaved the side.

She put a little powder. She wiped it down with some Maluchia juice. Ooh, you have rash. I was never so fucking embarrassed. 62 years old, this lady is shaving around my nutsack. Thank God I took a shower that morning and she didn't get a dose of that morning nut. You know what I'm saying?

The morning nut. Oh, that morning nut. We all take a whiff of it in the morning. I love it. Before you serve it up, you know what I'm saying? You gotta whip them up. So I fucking go in there, right? The room is freezing.

Just how I like it. They fucking, you know, wheel over onto a table, they're talking to you, a ton of shit's going on. I'm having a good time, guys. I'm like, at least it's going to get it over with. I got this shit over with, man. It might hurt. People said, your arm's going to hurt for a few days, nothing. Motherfucker. When they did whatever to my wrist, because I already had an IV in here, so they put the drugs in there, they go, we're gonna get you high.

You're not gonna be singing, you're not gonna be sleeping, but you have to, in case we tell you, you gotta breathe and stuff. And I heard them say, we shot him 65 fentanyl. I go, no, no, no, no, no, no. I go, listen, because after five minutes, I didn't feel nothing. I'm like, guys, I got a high tolerance.

You better hit me with another shot. So they gave me 25 more milligrams of fentanyl. And then I started feeling little bots. Whatever they put into my wrist, dog, made my leg pop up. That was sharp. I was like, and then it just went away. And then they did whatever procedure they did. I heard beep, beep.

And I saw lights and shit. I saw Lee dancing at Hudson County Park with a tuxedo on. And, most of them they go, it's over. It was like 20 minutes. So he goes out, they're all talking in there. And this motherfucker comes back with that mask. Like when they went to give Carmella bad news, we don't know if Tony's going to make it.

I got depressed. Like I was like, fuck. And he walked up and he goes, Mr. Diaz, I don't know what to tell you. We couldn't find anything. The first thing that came to my mind was 27 years of doing cocaine. And you're trying to tell me it was for nothing? I didn't come out with a stench, nothing like a fucking coke rock in the vein. He goes, everything is cleaned out. And I was thinking about the hills in North Bergen.

Thinking about the hills in North Bergen. Every time you gotta walk those things, your heart would fucking pump out. We're like boxers. You ever see a boxer, he's all fucked up, he can barely talk, he's alive. Because everything else is dead, but his heart's still fucking going.

So that's the only excuse. I mean, I was like, Doc, are you fucking serious? He goes, I can't. He goes, your calcium score is like fucking 100. And that's good. That's good. He goes, hey, your heart's strong for a 62-year-old guy. I didn't tell him about the blow or nothing like that.

The Maluchia juice and everything else. Were you, because I know you said you were nervous. I was depressed. I got fucking depressed for a minute. I was like, what the fuck? So all this time, you know, because I took the first vaccine, but it was Johnson and Johnson. It was the phenolic vaccine. Oh, yeah. They give boys and girls.

I forgot you took that one. Yeah, I took the Johnson and Johnson. You need a city. God knows what was in there. You know what I'm saying? So I was always concerned about my heart. I always have palpitations. They put a heart thing on me two years ago. what was in there, you know what I'm saying? So I was always concerned about my heart. I always had

palpitations. They put a heart thing on me two years ago for a week for 10 days. I had a heart monitor on me and I went back expecting the worst news. They're like, sorry, nothing's wrong with you. So I'm cleared that way. Then the next morning they gave me the cow, the thing for my lungs. Okay. And I'm still waiting on that and I'm waiting on the blood test, the last blood test they gave me. So I'll get the results tomorrow for that and they'll follow me up next week. I feel good. The doctors don't want me to do shit till February, second week of February.

So I still got Philly on the books. They're trying to move Jersey City on Wednesday night. And that's it. still got Philly on the books. They're trying to move Jersey City on Wednesday night. And that's it. I've been out of the hospital for two days and I feel a little sluggish, but I'm good. I got to make it up here today and I know this is going to be like a little process. But I'll tell you, man, and I'm going to tell a lot of people, I'm going to tell my brother George, the doctor was telling me, not the doctor, this other guy that would come in and talk to you

about contagious diseases. It was an interesting chit chat I had with him, the one man. He goes, you guys got to remember. And I go, he goes, and he goes, my father did it. He goes, after 55, the flu is completely different. He goes after you turn 55, 56 the flu is completely different. He goes when you were a kid you can have the fever and then still have the flu and your fever goes away and you can go out and throw snowballs and shit. Do that shit when you're your

age now. He goes you'll end up inballs and shit. Do that shit when you're your age now. He goes, you end up in the fucking hospital. And let me tell you some guys, even when I was in the ER, I would walk around. I was taking five steps of the shot and I'd have to hold on to the fucking thing. I was listening to those people. They were all there for shortness of breath. All of them. And they were all, you know, they were older people, man. So you don't, and you know, and I'm not the type of guy that's gonna sit here, I feel so young, go fuck yourself. I know I'm 62, I don't feel it, but that's what kills you, that you don't feel it.

So you still do things that you think when you were 30. And I don't do a lot. Like I know I can't go, like you don't see me going, let me fight Mike Tyson. And that's not happening. Even though he just bought a new house in fucking Florida with 18 bedrooms. Did you see that?

Yeah, I did see that. You know, whatever, it doesn't matter. I mean, there's things you could do and there's things you can't do, but I didn't know the flu was that serious for as you get older. And I'm cool with it now. Like now I respect it.

So I'm doing this podcast tonight and I'm pretty much in the next three or four days, just relaxing. You know, this morning I woke up and go, I can't wait to go box tomorrow. Shit. When I woke up this morning, I knew I wasn't doing much. I was like, I don't even think I'm gonna get to the podcast.

Fuck. But throughout the day, I felt better. You know, I went and got a head do, just to put some whatever in my life and get out of the house and breathe. So I wanna thank for people who left the notes and for you guys for having my back and shit. Of course, dude.

It goes down, man. But you know, you're not young anymore. And you guys know I'm not over here trying to put makeup on and fingers and try to be fingers? You know, those people that put rings on like Keith Richards. The older they get, the creepier they get to be young. And you're like, knock it off. Just be fucking old and accept it.

Right. But you learn. And you have to accept that you're a certain age. It's a big difference being 45 and 25. Can I know you said you were scared or depressed when the doctor came in after they checked your heart? You didn't seem, you weren't feeling well, but you didn't seem like scared. Were you scared when you went into the hospital? Yes.

When I walked in that day, I had some, you know, it's not, I had some moments. I had some moments for about a week. I'm just doing shit I would do. Think of doing shit every day. You do the same thing. You grab a slice of pizza, the phone's over there, right? You come over here, you got a slice, the phone rings, you're like, god damn it, you run to the fucking phone.

You do that 20 times a day. I would do that and almost die. Like, I'd be on my one leg, fucking drinking that, the albuterol. Quack, quack, quack, quack. You know, that's no way to live. No. I couldn't make it upstairs.

The one night I peed three times and I had to walk from my bedroom to the kitchen just to make coffee. While I was making coffee, every movement I would do would stress me out so much that I'd have to run outside in the balcony and piss and run back in. Damn. So it was fucking like I can't breathe. I went to the gym last Monday. I did about eight minutes on the bike. And then I put the lightest weight on and I tried to just do pulls and shit like that. Three minutes I lasted. The next day I went back to the gym and I lasted about five minutes and I had to sit down. That was it. I was done.

The next day I didn't ride the bike, but I went to see Tom at Fit for Life. And that day we did about 30 minutes of lifting. I got into a pace. He slowed it down. But I think that that night going to do comedy and then Tom and then I think it just put me on a different planet. So I mean I know you don't fully know what it was and I know you said like you're gonna respect the flu and stuff.

Are you making like any other changes? I gotta do a lot of changes. I gotta lose some more weight. Yeah? Yeah, I gotta drop some more pounds. And like what? Just for me, the doctor didn't say no, I just want to do it. And and you did a test on your lungs and you're waiting to see how that comes back.

I gotta wait to see that they made an appointment with the whatever the guy, the lung doctor. I'm gonna do another sleep apnea test. You can do them at home now. Oh, nice. She don't have to go down there. It's a bunch of wires. You know, have you seen the one where they can implant it in you? Yeah, but that's if you have like light sleep app. Fat fucks like us, that little device ain't gonna work. That's the by the way they get you to call them up.

Really? Yeah. And then you call down there and they're like, nah, that's for people who are normal human beings, not fucking gorillas like you two. Right. Oh, I, before I lost the weight, I for sure had it. I never got the test, but I'd wake up choking. You saw that night on the Stitch when you were fucking blinking and shit? Well, yeah, I was 300 pounds.

Yeah, no shit. But yeah, that was, I'm happy you're out, dude. That was... Dog, I'm happy that I had the fucking balls to stay in there for five days and take care of it and just put it to bed. I mean, I'm not out of the fucking woods, but I feel great. I'm optimistic.

I got you motherfuckers. I'm walking, I'm on the walk down here. It was strange. But again, once you, once that cold air, I got to, that shit fucks with you anyway you put it. Nevermind if you have whatever the fuck I'm going on. But you just try to be healthier and better. I'm gonna be 62 next month.

I never thought, we never thought we'd make it to 62. Are you fucking serious? You really think I was thinking about, I can't wait to retire? I never said that in my life. What retire? You know, so I'm fortunate about that. I still get to do the podcast with you guys.

I still get to do a little comedy. I'm not looking to take it over the world. I just don't wanna be fucking bored. I wanna keep my mind cracking. You sit at home, nothing's gonna happen. Right. Nothing's gonna happen in your life if you sit at home.

I'm not looking for something to happen, but I'm not gonna sit at home either. I ain't no punk bitch. You know what I'm saying? I ain't no punk bitch, you can't go out that way. Did it make you, like the fact that, I mean I know you could have left the hospital, but like waiting for them to give you,

like is that, did that make you wanna do stuff? Like being like, just being, cause like that I thought would have been the hardest part for you. Because you gave me shit in LA about watching football for eight hours. For it to be in there from whatever it was, Thursday to Tuesday, that's a long time to watch TV and do nothing. I don't think you've ever done that.

Well first off, listen, before I went into that hospital, I packed a computer, I downloaded TV apps which I didn't really use. I watched The Wire, maybe two episodes. I brought a book that I wanted to read. I brought another backup book that I wrote about, I read about three chapters. I wrote a little bit in the hospital just on how I was feeling every day and that made it a lot easier to sit there. I knew, listen guys, I knew I had to sit there.

And what really fucked me up was my wife brought my daughter on Friday. I had both IVs in my arm. So I put a hooded sweatshirt on while she was there so she wouldn't see the IVs. Well the fucking nurse came in to get my blood pressure and I had to take that fucking thing out. She didn't want to come see me Saturday and she didn't want to come see me on Sunday and I got it. I got home Tuesday. I

went to her game Tuesday and usually after every game me and her drive home together because my wife's got to put the balls away in a bunch of shit. She got in the car with me yesterday. Within five minutes, she was crying. She was happy I was at the game. And within five minutes, she was crying. And she told me she had a shitty weekend that she had to, you know, it was just, I put everybody in a bad position.

I put you guys, my wife, my daughter, you know, I didn't go to her recital Thursday night So I could see how much it affected her last night and this morning right last night. She was really She we got home we spoke and then I met her upstairs like at 9 And I made a banana milkshake for the way my godfather used to make for me, and she was bullshitting with me, and I could tell she was upset. Well, and like, obviously, thank God you're okay, and then Al,

But she didn't say nothing to my wife. Right. My wife's like, she didn't say nothing. She played it off. Mm-hmm. She's one of those motherfuckers. Like, she knew about my daughter. She knew about my older daughter.

She told me, she said, she's five. I knew you, I had a sister. She didn't my older daughter. She told me since she's five, I knew you had a sister. She didn't tell me till last fucking year. Wow. Six years she held it in. So I got to talk to her about that shit. But did it and I know it wasn't thank God that serious but like you lost your mom around the age she is now. Like did I have no no no she's 12. Right were 16 oh you were 16 i'm sorry i thought you were 13 but even still like did that go into your head at all like no no no i don't ever want that to go in my head first off that's the only deal i got if anybody wants me whoever it is satan lord jesus just let me see her graduate high school.

She'll be fundamentally sound by 18. You understand. You understand what's going on. She's got other people around her. She's got uncles now. It's not how I was left in the woods. It's completely different. So it's a different age.

She knew I was old. My mom dropped dead at 48. Not that she was fucking Mary Tyler Moore. She was in good shape. It was a different time. Women smoked, women drank, whatever. They ate. She was on Burgerline Avenue.

What the fuck do you expect? But no, that didn't enter my mind at all Good, okay. Because I don't, you know, I'm not going out like no punk bitch. You know what I'm saying? I'm not going to tell you again. I ain't got no time for these hoes. And I'm not going out like one of these punk bitches, so. I love it. I'm happy you're good, dude.

No, I'm good. And we'll, listen, man, we had some complications the month of January, but we're coming back stronger than ever. February, we got a great guest next week. We got a shit cracker lacking. Just give us time. You know, just set us all back. You guys know I love you. I don't know about the Jersey City date.

Philadelphia's still on for the 15th. It's sold out. May Labor Day is sold out. I got ticket information for March for the New Jersey Festival. I just got the email today, but I'll fill you guys in time. Enjoy your fucking January. Enjoy the new president. Enjoy the new year. Enjoy yourselves. And we'll be back Tuesday morning, the 28th. Tip Top Magoo. Love you. Say something Lee. I love you guys. Alright, stay black. Uncle Joe here from Magic Spoon. Listen, if you're an adult but you still want to eat like a kid, Magic Spoon is a total

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