Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - I got fired for showing my b*lls and flying through the air

Episode Date: January 9, 2024

This week on The Check In, Joey Diaz tells Lee about the experiences, good and bad, he has had doing open mics, his thoughts on Katt Williams, Jo Koy, and what he used to dream about. Lee asks Joey about his first time working in Las Vegas and Joey get's in Lee's head. Try Blue Chew for free at https://www.bluechew.com, promo code JOEY The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz 

So I cleaned the bond that I prepared for this reef. It came. I put it in a little wooden jar and I let it cultivate for a little while because I had some other weed in the grinder. And then I fucking got that weed out last night about six o'clock. I recleaned the bond and it was nothing really in the bottom. But I wanted to fresh new fucking baboon. I hit that bond hit three times.

Guys, I had a host. You get those popcorn things for Christmas and it comes with Steve with three things, Carmel, cheese and garlic. I ate the whole glass of my stuff. My hand was like creature feature. My hand was down there to the fucking bottom. It was just pouring out. Then I made this a half of salami sandwich because I'm watching my weight and saying, so he's gonna be so bred. And as I was going to bed, I could go and broke, I better go out there and make another sandwich.

Cause I don't know. Well, I'm gonna get up in the middle of the night. No, I passed the fuck out, guys. I got up at 4th, Thursday as a motherfucker. I haven't had salami at night in years What's happening your savages? It's uncle Joey here It's Tuesday the ninth of January a beautiful day to be alive. Let's talk some business here The check-in is brought to you by on it listen on it's been there with us for 10 years

And I love them from the alpha brain to the shroom tech to the shroom tech immune They have so many new products. Well, how do you know go to audit.com right now? If you see something you like press cocoa Diaz whatever and get 10% off tell them Uncle Joey sent you I forgot what the code was seriously, but it's either cocoa You know Uncle Joey or Joey you're gonna get 10% off Joey sent you. I forgot what the code was seriously, but it's either Coco, you know, Uncle Joey or Joey, you're going to get 10% off, delivered right to your house. And it's a great way to start the year with some alpha brain to get your tip top, Magoo, get your focus back on to help you be the best that you can be. Speaking of being the best

that you can be, this episode is also brought to you by Fuji. G, whatever, Fujigi.com. Listen, from day one, I've used the Fujigi. If you're thinking of joining Jujitsu, and you're a little bit of a big dude, go to Fuji. They got the G for you. They got a nice A5, a nice A6. The belt, you'll wrap it around,

you're stomach like 14 times, and it still falls off. Why? Because you're chubby like Uncle Joey. Anyway, go to Fuji.com, tell them Uncle Joey sent you Diaz, Joey, Coco, try off for them, get 10% off your first order on Gees. The fucking Geese are tremendous. The Superado, they got some Geese dog light training Geese that'll blow your fucking mind. Go to Fuji right now and without further ado, let's get this party started Jack. Where's Lisa at at? I'm on the TV's run for your lives. It's over. They can put you on this planet just to give up.

If all we're joy could do it, I could fucking rule the world. I think you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to Shave! Shave! Shave! Shave! Shave! Shave!

Never do that. Shave! Shave! Shave! Shave! Shave! Shave! Shave!

Shave! Shave! Shave! What up? Hey, buddy. Happy Monday, my friends. I know. It's fucking, it's a good Monday too. It's like, stuff is coming back to normal now. Yeah, you got like 92 inches of snow. I got nothing but fucking rain, a little sleet.

I was excited. You didn't get your snow? No, we got dick down here in central Jersey. What can jerk you get? snow. I got nothing but fucking rain a little sleet. I was excited. You didn't get snow? No, we got dick down here in central Jersey. What kind of Jersey got like fucking as much snow as you did. We got nothing. I had to go to a game with her on Saturday. Sorry, Lee. Okay. And you're fine. I got back. It was eight, nine, thirty, quarter to ten. And I told somebody at the game, I go, let me tell you something,

it's gonna start snowing before three o'clock. Hey, it's already like cold on your hands. And I laid down for an hour when I got up, there was already snow on the grass, my backyard. So I thought it was sticking. I started yelling, I was excited. I ran out and I said, some rain. And then it's going to keep raining tomorrow. By Wednesday it's going to rain. Fucking, uh, no, it's going to pull up with the arc. Who the fuck knows

anymore? It's January and I'm getting fucking rain. And I see, I understand that. But to be like like and I sound like such a dick when I'm like I hate snow. As a kid it's fun. As a sledding it's great. But when you're like I just think back to living in Boston and walking through the snow and like now as an adult having to like shovel shit out it's very pretty and it's cool. It gets fun now with her kids's cool. Like it's fun now, with her kids, like you feel like it's fun to watch them have fun. But I'd much rather be in 75, 80 degree weather.

Oh, there's everybody with eating. Not everybody. Some people like it. It's nutsacks. No, what a fuck, lots of being a cold weather. When you could be in a room but getting your nuts like,

while you're in your cold water. You fucking crazy. But if wife was that easy, everybody would be there. See, that's what happened when Adam and Eve bit the apple. We were gonna live in fucking paradise. But if they wouldn't have taken the apple from the fucking snake, you know,

once they bit the apple, we'll fuck. We gotta go to work. People fucking bleed once a month, you know, you gotta go shop and like regular people and stand on line-on shop, right? It's all over. If things would have been different, can you imagine room service is free? You just bring a fucking bell, bring me a steak, and take this, check out, and bring me another one or a fucking Chinese woman. What, you know what I'm saying? Do you have like a dream life? Is that your like if you have your fingers no I have one dream growing up moving to Columbia to smoke the my bowl popped out that was it I wanted to send a postcard home next to the

biggest coke rock in the world with like a number one like I found it that's my fucking dream all right after that I mean listen, what would you do on a fucking island all day doing open mic for yourself? Well, it don't pan out. Well, I'm that kind of like, I'm the asshole who every time I buy a lottery ticket, I plan it out. I would still do comedy if I won a lottery. If I was like, one of those one billion dollar, I would 100% still do comedy. I have a private jet, but I would do sure you would like that like that would I would get to the fucking Tuesday night follies and shiny restaurant and fucking plan. You can get a helicopter to open Mike fucking Dante and a lady used to come in a mazerotti.

Dante. He owns that cool, that cool store that he's at Asian dude. He's great. A great comic and a little bit. That's right. Don't tell you the Korean kid. Yeah. Is he kid? God, but listen, man.

You know, the truth is, what the fuck are you going to do on an island? Right. Unless you listen, unless you got like, like my man, when he worked for the fucking Eskabas, the Hitler guy, the guy that liked Hitler. He had that island out there and he was just fucking bitches, his snort and coke and habanorgies and listen to John Lennon music. That's what he was doing. Plus he also had 250 million of bank, big fucking moments, you know, you know, I will worry in the world.

But that's what I'm talking about. Like imagine you had that in the bank. Do you ever daydream about that? That's not even, you don't need your in-much. You know why, man, because it's so funny that you said that because I was thinking about being a kid, being 23, 27 and going, I can't wait to get money. I can't wait. I'm not going to lose these girls to these fucking old guys no more. Have a fucking car. I'm going to have a a butler. I'm not going to get married. You know, you have all these dreams and whatever. I'm going to have a test of Rosa. I'm going to pull into clubs and people going to jump up and down, I'm the king of the VIP. Yeah.

And then you get there and you're like, ah, this is fucking out of my mind. I don't wanna do this shit. And it's the same thing with money, man. I was thinking about like, when I hit the jackpot in 98 with that Taco Bell commercial. Right. Well, that was a lot of money that I made.

And, commercial right well that's a lot of money that I made and like after the first hundred thousand I was like all right so for three months I've eaten well I've snorted coke I wasn't but I'm still the same piece of shit I'm still gonna wake up a prom tomorrow and then I met this a man I opened up a couple comics that are fucking filthy rich. Right. And you know I saw what they got after they had all that money and it's not paradise by the dashboard light you know it's a big money big problems. I totally get that and I can imagine it, but I can totally understand that it's not gonna completely change my life.

And I'm doing fine financially. I know that people doing a lot worse, but when you, like just that sentence that you said after the first $100,000, that's a great sentence. Like I still think of like that's fucking awesome. And I know, like, at that time, we, $100,000 was $2 billion. Right, for me, it's still fucking a lot of money.

But yeah, I always say, I've been making $8,000 a year for two or three years. Right. You know, and you love something so much that you're like, I'm gonna dress down. I'm not gonna wear underwear I'm gonna say I wear the same socks two days on a roll, you know, you you make a lot of fucking You make a lot of fucking sacrifices when you get into comedy, right? You earned it for these guys that have become millionaires whatever

They fucking earned it man. It's not easy leaving your family and working towards a special and having Netflix tell you this. Netflix tell you that people tell you what's comedy that they went to Syracuse for four years. Meanwhile, you've been shooting it out with comics for the last 25 years and you started in a fucking saloon. But just I get tired of Syracuse and now he's gonna tell you what you should put in your set, what's not allowed, get the fuck out of my face. That's when it gets tricky, but we don't talk about that right now. Right. I did get on stays last week. Congrats dude. I was. It was a little bit. It's last Wednesday.

You know, man, it was as cool as can be because I have five minutes, right? I just had five minutes and Rich Voss met me. My brother Joyce, so at least you're not there by yourself in an open mic. And, you know, people asking you creepy questions and shit. So I went up after Danny Braff, a good kid, won some rooms around here. Nice. And then Danny Braff is a fucking great kid because from the minute I got off the plane, Danny Braff has been offering me work, says they want like little gigs who's going to be there. If you don't want to, we won't put your name on the bill. I just wasn't doing stand-up. I have well there, rich brought them and it was great to meet the kid

and then I did my five minutes and I, and it was great just to see young comics. I told you there was a guy that went up the first time, there was a guy that was there the third time, and believe it or not, you learn. I learned. Okay, so I have, because this is what my life is, it's open my, so I have a lot of questions, but I guess let's start with that. What did you learn? I saw out when you're very green how you hold your elbows The elbows aren't tucked in Where are they? They're out when you're very green got it. Okay, and that's the first sign when that wing goes up Okay, I have it, okay.

And then, you know, elbows tucked in. Right. When you do this, you're like a fucking stop sign, you know. I get directly trapped. The people are laughing. You're like, what's going on? Stopped us, right? So it's right here, tucked in, you know,

like you're gonna shoot or whatever. I turn this fucking thing off. You know like like you got a shoot or you know whatever I Turn this fucking thing off I'm gonna fucking kill him I turned my phone off tonight Today I was getting text messages from my wife on this phone like they weren't coming to me never going to my wife Okay, I was getting a much so you got to figure this out. Lee. I've shut them off. You know, I'll be there in February. I'm right. I don't know what the fuck you're going to. I saw the nervousness. Yeah. That I still see. That I still feel. Okay. That was a little thing. That fucking that shit goes away. You just learn the control it like I did that night.

So from watching those guys, those three guys and a woman go up and seeing them nervous, it taught me how to control my nerves because getting on stage, you're always going to be nervous. The top job isn't being funny, the top job isn't how you hold the microphone. The top job is letting them know that you're not breaking down inside. That one more minute of this, I'm just going to down 9-1-1 and when the fucking paramedics come so they're not fucking bad. Like, they have no idea what you're going through inside. They have no idea that you don't have rent money.

They have no idea that you haven't seen your kids in a week or you know, you're white. They don't know what's going on in your personal life. So you have, if that control right there is what you get from repetitions, bullshit and people. And I'm saying it for real because you're letting me know you're not nervous. I'm accusing you of robbing $2 million from my drug cartel

operation. Right. You just got to tap on the shoulder that the guy wants to see in the other room. You know what this is about. You're going to walk in like, what's going on? Nothing. Can you sit down for a second.

Listen man, somebody stole $2 million in Coke. You're the only one who's got access to it. Right now, you got to break down. You got to sell me on this. It's the same thing when you're on stage. You're fighting for your fucking life. So when you walk in here, you're like, what's up, bleed, nothing.

I'm missing $2 million. Are you accusing me? 20 years, we've been fighting. What the, you break out tears, you know. Right up. I swear to you, who the fuck did I take? I explained somebody else, somebody's been doing something. Yeah, you can't, you can't, like,

that's a good, the reaction. But my question is, what's the difference, because when you're describing it, I thought of the word confidence. What's the difference between confidence and control? They're both the same. When you're around. Okay.

They're both very much the same. You have to add the controls to control your confidence. And you have to confidence to control you. So it's such a fucking great art and it's such a thing to start because if you do comedy for 20 years, when I talk to people about doing comedy for 20 years, it doesn't mean you got to trap. It doesn't mean you got to have a manager. It doesn't mean you got a fucking argue with people for fucking 50 bucks. You get a list and every week you go somewhere different. And every great while a comic says to you

want to open for me on Wednesday night, you're pretty funny and you go down there, but you're just doing it. You know, this is, you would grow so much as a human being. I've noticed like there's a good amount of, I'm not going to say old, I'd say like middle this is you would grow so much as a human being. I've noticed like there's a good amount of, I'm not going to say old, right? Say like middle age, like late 40s, level people who have, I've noticed it open mics. And they like, I don't think they have any interest, not interest, but it's expectation of doing anything more than what you're talking about. They just get a beer. They do the open like they do some. During the week they write their jokes, they do the open mic, they do some service. During the week, they write their jokes,

they watch other comedians who they like, and they know that with their grandmother alive, she's got 20 million in the will. Why would they wanna go to LA? I'm just waiting for the winter blow to run, laying grandma to fuck it, spit up the week, and I'm sitting here on an island getting my balls like drinking a documentary, you know what I'm saying?

Right, you can do it up on my slate. But that's so I'd have an interpreter. I'd have a joint role, I'd have a bond cleaner, I'd have somebody working on my phone guy, tone else. What do you need an interpreter for? I don't want to talk to nobody. I don't know what island I'm going talk to nobody. I don't know what island I'm going to be on. I don't know these savages. You know what I'm saying? I just bought an island

for a small 20 mil. I don't know what type of people are here. Okay, I didn't know. I thought you'd have like a place to yourself. Go there and they got cups in their mouth. I don't know these people. I got to find somebody who knows these people. You know, it's like, you imagine yourself on the island with them. What would they think of you? Well, after about a month, they go, this is my style of mind. He just wakes up, rogues pot, eats, smokes more pot. He fucking lifts a couple of weights and then he sits down again, smokes more pot and he cracks jokes. This is insane. That's so funny. I don't know.

I don't know how we got there. Interesting week in comedy. Oh yeah. We're gonna say, go ahead. Oh no, no, I just have a lot of questions about the open mic, but I want to talk about this. No, I keep those questions going. It's just, okay.

I just like, you made a decision like to not call in, you know, I'm pumping anybody, you're only doing five minutes, like what was, because you could go there and do 20, and they'd be happy to have you do 20, 30 minutes. That's not what it's about, guy. I'm not here to flex muscles on younger. What if fucking you show up tonight with your mother, Athena, the kids, your brother, your grand brother. And I walk in. You got there at seven, you signed up. You're supposed to be number seven.

And I walk in at number five. You know what, man? I got it done to me. Yeah. One of the things I'm writing in this book is the biggest thing about being a comic, the way to really get respect is to earn respect. And that's to not run the light. That's to not piss on a guy's leg that's going up before you, you know, there's so many things that you see. And when I got to the store, it was when I first got there, it was like a light of fun. People were running the light and I remember I looked at it hard to do that. Not only that, I just wanted to get on stage and get the fuck off. Right.

So as soon as I saw the first light, wrap it up, I suck it. And right there, some people go, you could Joey, you know, and you got another five minutes after that. And I would go, no, once I hit the light, it's all over the shot, maybe another minute, maybe another two minutes, but I never want to see that light flashing. Right. They're late. You know, I tell people at the time, I think I told you one of the biggest lessons I learned that I never knew I was doing because you never know what you're doing

when people are telling you to do things. And then 12 years later you go, that motherfucker, you know, when I got to Seattle, I knew how to do 25 minutes back. That's me, you know, when I moved to Seattle, I probably at to do 25 minutes by. That's me. Yeah. When I moved to Seattle, I probably had 18 because I lost seven minutes in Colorado. Right? Okay. You know, but I got to Seattle. To open Mike with six minutes, if you want to go right, man, Carl would tell you don't

come back for two or three weeks. Wow. We're family here. Don't fucking be cute. End it. And every once in a while, Carl would have to tell people don't come back for three or four weeks. You know, and I never ran the light then.

And I went from the number two spot to the number 15 spot in a year and a half. And it was always me, Josh Wolf, or Taina, Brody. It was always one of us. But when the contest came along, I never heard those rules. Like the first week was, you got five minutes. That light comes on at five minutes. When that second light comes on, that means it's six minutes. Every 10 seconds you do over six minutes, you get

a point day going away from it. Oh wow. Yeah. First couple nights, I would see people. They worked on a six minute set. They worked the last 60 days. They've been working on a six minute set and they would go over. And it was just a, I never went over any of the nights but I was always very proud because then when I got to LA, there were three minute sets.

Yeah, that's still hard. The hard. And that's a complete different education. But I could do 28. I did 28 at Chico State House last week. Listen, can we breathe? Give me a fucking breather. Just do the three minutes.

Let's get started there for right now. And you look at that and people will go home disappointed. I'm not going to showcase. I can't get to my material. Funny is funny. She wants three minutes fucking rock a world. I don't give a fuck if you drink gasoline, go up on stage and fart and fucking light the stage on fire.

I'm just saying you got three minutes. And- Well, Tony, people are doing it in a minute now. People are becoming stars off of one minute. One minute, one fucking minute. And that's, I love that kill Tony does. Now I applaud him for doing that because that teaches you to get to the fucking point.

No shit about it. How you doing tonight? You know, how about around the applause for the troops? You're just killing time. Right. You're just killing time. This teaches you to get up and go, what's going on my name is Lisa Iat. I'm not Jewish. Boom.

Don't know right from there. It's 50 seconds of fucking machine gun flurry. Right. That's what I would do and I would go down swinging. You have to. I've never done a minute set. That's a completely different thing. And then to not and to do it in front of like a million people, that's also crazy. Okay, so a minute set when you're not used to doing that, it's fucking brutal. It's fucked and brutal. You have to practice it. I think I had to do it like two times to like showcases, to get on like some NBC thing. I told you in the early beginnings, I thought I was just gonna get on a contest and I was gonna cut through everybody.

Right. Or I just need to do a contest. They just need to see me, I just need to do five minutes and they'll put me on a tonight show. And the first time I showed up, a bunch of people had NBC shirts and shit. I signed my name and I ran the fuck out of it like a little pussy Lee. And it was been terrifying. I get it, but that's funny.

And then I went for a national contest in Denver and it was like two minutes and it was three people looking at you. Yeah. And then the university Colorado was happening at comedy night and there were auditioning an open opener for Charlie Hill who I got to meet later on and told him this story. And that was brutal. I had to do three minutes for three Indians, American Indians. And you know, you just don't even know where you're going at the year and a half mark with that. You don't know where you're going at the year and a half mark with that.

You don't know where you go. Competitions are really tough, especially at the beginning because the person who wins is usually the person who brings more people. You get really upset, like you want to win. Even when you know you're not going to, I've done two of them. I get so pissed. I get really mad about him. Here you go brother. You ever bring somebody where you were a comedy show or friend and on the way in the car they're like you were funny tonight. So is that black kid? Okay.

That's what you have to appreciate comedy because that means people appreciate different styles, right? What we're talking about, this element is- Comedy competitions. Comedy competitions. The best thing about comedy competitions that I've won them and I've lost them is that you're going going to make them a believer no matter who they're sharing for because if you're funny you're going to knock

them off that right you like they don't want to laugh they might not vote for you you know when I live in Seattle towards the end to come on Wednesday nights on Monday nights Susan would have contest I remember he's dealing because you got a snore coke on Monday nights, Susan would have contest. I remember he's dealing because you got a snore coke on Monday nights to get set the tone for the rest of the week. You know what I'm saying? She had a contest. She had a contest on Monday nights. If you won, you got a hundred bucks and you came back to follow on week as a host, and you got a hundred bucks.

I remember that. I could swear to my daughter, who's turned 11 today. I could swear to you that, I don't know how many times I went down there with enough gas to get me there. That was before I got to LA, before I made the decision to go to LA,

Doug Stann hope helped a lot, but one of the main things was going at Tacoma with no money into the fucking pocket. And knowing I gotta get back to the comedy underground by 930 with gas, 20 dollars the moral. I got to buy a fucking half a gram of coke. I got to set the tone for the week. You know, many times I went down there and one dog. A lot. Now do you? A lot. And then Pablo Francisco used to tell me about a room up around the corner from the comedy magic club.

Okay. It was the first day that did, first place was 60 bucks or 50 bucks, second place was a pizza, and third place was a picture of beer. It's not, I ain't driving from the comedy store to Redondo Beach for a picture of beer. I ain't driving from the comedy store to Redondo Beach for a picture of beer. Right. I think I went like three out of four down there and then I just stopped going because

it was better to stay in Hollywood on Monday nights. You had the store, La Fácture Latino and the improv, whatever it was called at that time, which was one of the best rooms in the city. And I also think you were talking about the judges have a type of comedy they like. I think that's what you, when you were talking like it's tough to deal with that. Well, listen to what I don't like. Okay, this is where I don't like. Okay, this is where I don't like. I don't like when two-year comic or three-year comic, they charge 25 to 50 bucks to enter this contest

and they say celebrity judges. And next thing, it's fucking Johnny Scott, publisher for action magazine, action magazine, they saw like four magazines a week. But this guy's going to judge me. Then they get like a film critic from the local news paper. And then they get somebody else who has no idea about comics. So they're picking you on looks. Yeah, they're picking you on looks at that situation. I'm not giving up here. I'm not saying that. Guys, anything is possible, especially when you do comedy, you believe in yourself.

So if you're a young comic, you're trying to get to that next step. And all of a sudden you need that confidence booster and you walk in a room and they just stare at you. Some people don't need that. That's two years on better health. Yeah. That was the last one I did. Some people don't need that and I understand. when I walked into the University of Colorado and there were three American Indians sitting there uptight, that's still angry. And they were going to judge my comedy. There was no way. I mean, when I left that in here from the meas was I art broken. You know, but I was also heartbroken when I went to the Fox four weeks later and opened up for ice cube and died the death of dance.

You know, why nobody stabbed me that name ended it. I don't understand. I totally remember that ice cube. That's crazy. You go from those extremes and that's what puffed into your skin. That's what led you know, you know what? I can get through this. I think LA is my type of town.

I'm gonna go challenge those motherfuckers. Yes. They taught me and fucking capitalist school works. But I wanted to talk about, you were just mentioning there was a crazy week in comedy this week. I want to try and get that. Yes, it was.

A lot of people angry, Yeah, that. Yes, it was. A lot of people angry, you know, cat-worn, what else was controversial last week? I woke up this morning and poured Joe Koi. Joe Koi. You know, I was there. I saw Joe Koy go from people's opening to become a fucking headliner and sell out of reiners.

Say whatever you say about Joe Koy or whatever, Joe Koy is a fucking professional and he always has been, and during the pandemic, Joe Koy made some moves that were solid with me. I never got to thank him. But he called a lot of people and checked in with him and said, right down what you owe every month, and I'll send it to you.

That's nice. Yeah, that's what a millionaire does. I'm sure a lot of those people didn't. We helped out a few people with the podcast and Patreon. But I like what he did. He called people and said don't sweat it if you need this boom will figure it out after the pandemic you open for me whatever Now we were talking about audiences If you're you and I'm me both of us will walk up this morning opened up the computer You and I made both of us were to woke up this morning, opened up the computer.

And what a fucking just put the news up and fucking put on Sound Guard and hang yourself, you know what I'm saying? Why? Because it was torture. I didn't even know he was on last night. I was watching the Miami fucking... Oh yeah. ...in last night.

I didn't know the golden fucking gloves was on to after I came in and I saw our girl Ali won. Oh, of course, you I didn't know that I I I found out this morning too. And then there was a replay of it. And I I got up in the middle of night. There was a replay of like different things. And I saw a gap again. I saw a glass. I saw a bunch of comics there. Sarah got nominated. She lost the Ricky Dervace. But I didn't watch the monologue and I still haven't watched it. I don't want to feel it. I just read a couple of things and then he was trending and you know, it wasn't good things that people were saying. And I just felt terrible. But then again, I know exactly what happened.

I know exactly what happened. I know exactly what happened. What do you think happened? We were just talking about. First off, you're going into a fake fucking world of people that they don't even give a fuck about anything. They just want that camera to hit them at some point. Right, of course. I mean, you gotta remember what the whole show is about. It's about trying to get what you can. If you're gonna suck, this is the night. You wanna say it?

You wanna say it? Yeah, if this is a dick suck and this is it. This is the unlucky night. Get the fucking Banaka, get the Lysol, get new lipstick and go for it. This is the night where. Get the fucking but I can get the light saw get new lipstick and go for it This is the night where you earn your stripes You know, but everybody's talking about this guy and you wake up in the morning and as economic I Couldn't imagine

But then after I fucking Read a couple headlines. I remember, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm so coy. I'm selling our fucking arenas. I started a dinky room in Las Vegas and open for people and busted my ass for 20 years to get this fuck you motherfuckers. I'm a comic from now and I'm never fucking with you motherfuckers. In fact, I'm never giving you the opportunity again. You go up in front of a fake audience who their program not to fucking laugh. That program not fucking laugh. Especially that stuff. Like if they you were to talk about they want to get seen on camera if they get seen laughing at the wrong joke, that'll be a problem for them. You know, I heard he said something about Barbie and he insulted the fucking

singer and he fucking, Joe Koy doesn't have a bad bone in his body, you know. He went up to, he didn't know how to work the room. This is the first time he's been in this situation. He's going from arenas where they love you to a room a bunch of tight fucking sacks of shit that had no value, but they think, oh, look at me. I took a picture with Kelsey. Ah, this ups my value. No, it doesn't. Doesn't do dick for you at the end of the day. You still look like a show and or is fighting. He took it 10 days ago. Yeah, I mean, listen, I'm gonna tell you something. If they told me to take it and I was Joe Koy, I'd say, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, I'd have two sets for them. I'd have the set that I

give the network and do the run through with it, huh? I'm just, and then I'd have a set that's called the bailout. I'm not going to get you to laugh. So I'm doing this. I'm doing this for me and my family. I'm going off like Marlon Brando at the 70 fucking three Oscars when he sent the Indian. I'm going. And guess what else I'm going to do? I'm going to curse.

I'm going to push the envelope. I think you'll be off cam off the airwaves in 10 seconds. Well, guess what? The next day I put a fucking world tour on. And that said, I'll be going to work when a fucking helicopter. But I get to some part of the country. They'll be flying me around in a fucking missile.

Think about it. The dice gained popularity or lose popularity when he got thrown off MTV Awards. He probably gained it. Like, I don't know what that's. That's crazy. Americans don't wanna be held down. Americans wanna hear certain things,

but Americans don't ever, but when you get into a battle with your freedom of speech and what the fuck you want to say up there, people get involved. It's all over the shot. So if I'm dying up there after two minutes, I'm not going to talk about Barbie. I figured tremendous shot. I washed my balls Technical difficulties did you see Jim and why do you have a guy out of joke? Who Jim Gaffer can have a joke when you accept his award? What if he went I Don't know what he won probably Probably the best comedy, especially. I had to check.

No, no, no. It was Ricky Jervais that won. Okay. So I have to see what he won. He got torn up all week for his Netflix special. And Dave Chappelle got torn up all week for his Netflix special. I haven't seen that yet. I watched Ricky Jervais, and I watched your pal.

You know, I don't know what to tell you. Was I a friend of any of them? Not really. I think, you know, I think that Netflix era might be coming to a fucking, I think a new avenue is gonna have to open up some because they always do. Do you, I mean, do you think YouTube could be that? Are you thinking about something completely now? No, no YouTube is gone. I love them. I got a thousand pages of stuff on there, but There's people that you know, I don't know They wait for a change. I mean I grew up on HBO special

Yeah change. I mean, I grew up on HBO special. Yeah. You got an HBO special. It was all old, but the shouting you did what you wanted. You want to you got a one night stand on HBO. People lit your fucking cigarettes. That's great. You do a special on HBO now. Nobody knows you did it. That's true. How was that? And I see what you're saying about Netflix. I see, I mean, I guess there definitely could be an amp just for like comedy stuff. Is that like what you're thinking about? I don't know. It still would be a streaming service, but streaming services, listen. Everything we do in this country is based off hot and cold.

Correct. Things get hot for a while. Then you get cold. that's the law of the land. There's nothing you can do. You can do plastic surgery. You can life firecrackers in your asshole. Then you're deemed fucking crazy. There's nothing you can do. Once whatever is done chomping on you, they're done. You can just keep pushing it. And you're gonna, you know, you made some money, take a breather, take a breather. So there's some people that take that breather and there's some people who don't want to take that breather. I took a breather for personal reasons, but at the same time, Lee, I never retired from coming, I never slain anything like that. Now I'm talking to you just like that. Now I'm talking to you and I'm just talking to you about open mics. And we have to do it. To 10 open mics and then we'll have a chit chat and we'll do the pros and the cons

and what I could do and what I can't do. And if I don't do the tensets, then we move the fuck on it's time to play the tuba. Hopefully not. But do you, because I was laughing when you told me I was happy that that George and Rich went with you. That's, that's fun. I'm sure you had a great time, but like it reminded me I just didn't open the last one I did was in Providence and there was this guy's first time. And you see a lot of people going for their first time with like a group, a small group. And you did that.

Like you really started following what did you did you bring them on purpose like what do you have gone without them? I was going to this thing no matter what. Okay. And it just so happens, Rich called me to ask me a question. When I was when I first moved here, I'm going to get confused and people are going to get mad at me. When I first moved here, we didn't move into our house on August 19th. We didn't move into the house to September 2nd. So we stayed in Somerset, New Jersey. And the only person who I met with in Somerset was Rich Voss because he lived 20 minutes from that. Oh, okay. You might have a car then either.

I had a rental car, which caused me to have a car. I got the bill. I'm still paid it and fuck it. It was the month with COVID. It was the only car on the lot left when I got in. It was a little knees fun. Ten can.

I thought I was paying like $9.95. Forget about it for a month. Until, well, it was like three weeks and then my car got, my car got here but we could drive it anyway. Anyways, we're trust. So I was in, what's the name of the town? I was in Somerset.

Yes. So me, I've spoken about a thousand joints since August 19th. So the adacity and open mic at Summerville. Okay. So me going, oh my God, that's what we stayed. I call Rich. When Rich called me, I go, I'm thinking of going into your neck of woods tonight to do a spot. He goes

where at? And I go, son of a, and he goes, ah, that's close to me. We're at. I told him, he goes, oh my God, my friend, Danny has a room there. You think it's the same room? I go, no, no, ah, that's close to me. We're at and I told him, he goes, oh my God. My friend, Danny has a room there. You think it's the same room? I go, no, no, no, no, Danny does the verb. So Rich goes, all right on me, you know, I'll get some date. Oh nice.

George called me and I go, I'm gonna go over there. And it's only like 30 minutes from George. So George went, we he ate, I ate, Rich ate, Danny ate. And I didn't do it I don't know because Tuesday night I went by myself and I got to tell you something. Tuesday night was real because they told me where the place was I looked it up online. I went on the website like you said I went on the website like you said and they had comedy there. All right, so it says 8.30 sign up. I get that a 15. I want to see who's going in there. I want to see what's going on there. Right. I get that fucking a 15 by 30 day in a fucking soul the bartender can come out to smoke cigarettes

And if you come out two times to smoke a cigarette in 15 minutes That means it's lonely fucking white guy night in there, right like they let me Maybe my now I think that was Monday night football last Monday. Was that So I think oh, who's that I'm sorry anyway. Anyway, you're right. Who's that? So I waited there. I think I called you. I spoke to George, but just sitting out there. I was so fucking scared. Like I was so scared. I was scared to get out of the car. I thought the bar was like a fucking, it looked like a, where Henry Hill killed that dude with the sopranos. It looked like that place from the outside.

I even heard the music like, always dreamed of one I loved, but come on. He'd be tough in hand, some rich and strong. I'm like, oh, I'm gonna get shot in there. Were you more scared the second night? No, no, and then I made a U-turn. Okay. The bartender was outside, smoking, yet again with a towel around his

thing and I pulled up next to him, like, hey, man, how you doing? You doing comedy night tonight? He just looked at me, was, what are you doing here? And I go, I love in Jersey now. He's like, man, what a shame. I got COVID today. I couldn't believe when he told me that, but come back. And it was my luck. Like it was like, I wanted to do the open mic, but I wasn't quite ready, you know. And thank God they sent me home. I fucking did 90 the way home. But when I got here, I was just happy that I got my car and I went. Yeah, you tried. I was like, I went. Then Wednesday night, I definitely got to get a spot tonight. And that's when I went up there. And then Thursday, I was in a different spot.

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2024 and you've been sitting at home for too long. It's time to pop a blue shoe and show the world who the hell you are Let's get down to this show. It's Tuesday. I'm ready to rock you Because you said earlier you still get nervous. So are you just trying to get like it? Is it not manageable yet? Like is it? Oh, no, no, no, listen, once my feet hit that, I feel like I was still on a cab. I believe I brought this up three time. I feel like I'm working in Seattle again. Like I almost threw my knee out getting up on the Seattle again. Like, I almost threw my knee out, getting up on the stage. It was like a ping-pong table, if they shrunk down,

to be like, off and stuff. Very cool. Listen, man. I was just happy to be there and watch. Remember I used to tell you all the time, there's a special thing about start. Yeah. It was very special for me. It was a very special time,

we're just going to dive bars, talking to people, eating a bag of dicks, not showing up. It was a fucking experience. Who was it I tell you? I'm about starting. But I don't, I like when you? About starting. But I don't. I like when you start with peace.

Okay. You felt high level at the fourth wall. All those kids didn't dream of being a good comic. They dreamt about being stars. They were influenced by the store guys and the improv guys and that's what older guys is supposed to do. But there's a structure to it.

I saw people who were doing comedy two years now, like doing specials. And it was just people getting that shot. The first five years, I just want to become, I was, I had the gift to becoming friends with people four or five guys and we drove ourselves to gigs and we split gas money. And afterward we went for fucking dinner, you know, a white cat. I never, there was no white gas on Denver, but when I moved to Seattle, you know, we used to go to fucking McCormick and Schmitz. Our boy called us today, Bob O'Lingus wishes to happy New Year. He knows I love him. He had a cold. And he thought, it fucking closed. McCormick and Schmitz in Chicago on January 1st.

So things are looking bleak. I wasn't lying to you, mother fuckers. You better fucking save your gitters this year. You ain't going to a rubah. Get that little summer house with a technic shit. You'll be fine. But I think, I'm sorry. It was just great to see comics that just wanted to do comedy. There was even a guitar act that night that I laughed at. Oh yeah?

Looking to be stars. And that's what I didn't miss anymore. I didn't. I wanted to see comedy in this purist form. At a bar. These are guys that are scared to go into New York City. I don't know. Maybe they only go to New York City on the weekends because everybody would be in New York City. Right? You would think so, but I mean, I think it's intimidating, so I think you're right. It's like a good starter. And then also, especially for people who are either just starting or like are doing it for fun, that's a trap I've fallen into a little bit of it.

It's easy. It's closed 15 minutes instead of an hour to get into the city, I get that. You know, I was thinking, come on, I got a place to go. When's the happen heard nothing, Thursday, I got a place to go. You know, I'm not going to go out on Fridays and Saturday because not worth killing yourself. Like I said, if I can do two sets a week, Bob, I like, I told you today I've written

two little five minute bits, nothing, you know. Nobody's gonna come watch me. I'm not calling HBO Max. This is just me getting out and trying to fall in love with something that I love so much. And that was great that I went out with those guys. And hopefully when you come back, we could do one in Jersey somewhere and just go to an open mic and talk to people and

you know we were outside. I was just going to join after that you know because we were going opposite directions and we were talking and one of the kids walked out and then he walked back. Okay, it was just telling me, it was my first time on stage. You and your little friends got us hooked and we were in college and I came here to make the Beyond Stays the first time in your year. And it was really, you know, like what's your plan?

Now I asked them. And you know, I think I'm going to go out every night like you guys talk about. And that's fucking great to see. This guy wasn't talking about an agent or a manager or he might get an audition or he might help. But Trini Lopez, this is just guys that want to do comedy and have a certain respect for that.

Just want to do comedy and have a certain respect for that. Just want to do comedy. You don't need to go into the city and be defying what lenders. They got a cock high. They don't even want nobody to see it. You know what I'm saying? The dark of the club, the better it is for them. What do you, I just thought about what I would do. But like, let's say, there's a comic who sees you at an open mic and they're going up before you. Should they do their best stuff or should they do like open mic stuff? Do their best stuff. Okay. When a fucking ping pong table or a ball, you know, you're not going to impress me. I want you to impress yourself. I can't do nothing for you. Right.

You know, that's what I didn't know this 20 years ago, 30 years ago. And I want young people to know this young common. We can't do nothing for you. You gotta do the work. You want me to do something for you, call me every weekend, send me an email and tell me to dingy-hole, take a picture of the hotel,

take a picture of the crime scene in your hotel room where you're staying, they still have chalk on the floor and shit. Maybe there's some blood on the wall. Take a picture every weekend for like 10 fucking years. And then I don't know, I can make a call. Who am I going to call? Right. The people that I worked with in LA are gone now. The bookers, Adam, as Joe Rogan's club. So you're down for the, and you go back then there's not so much you can do. Oh, everything is changed.

Everything is changed. As a young comic, we think we're going to meet somebody and he's going to, you know, it's like a Girl coming out of high school everybody told us she's beautiful. Now she's looking for Prince Charming And they're gonna come and take you out of this shit hole town and Take you to some fucking place in London where people drink tea and You know, I mean we're all looking for that savior when we're young comics But with comedy you just got fucking keep going up. When I got home after the best thing I did that like the reason why I took the ride,

it was like an hour drive. Was for the drive back. Ooh, what is the drive back like for you? Was I doing two lines of coke? you. But I'd do it to lines of coke. I had the music on really loud and then at one point I had a shut it down to think about what I had just done. Think about how it felt just to fucking, and it felt fucking great, man. I'm so happy for you. But I had all these ideas in my head. Once I went on stage, leave the ideas of disappeared. And that's what I always saw. That's what deterred me from doing comedy for a while. Because I didn't have it anymore. I didn't

have it at Uncle Venice. And I didn't have have that in New York When I did those five shows and I can really feel the difference. I still feel it only got on stage one time But I could feel like I don't know It's not the laugh if it's not the fucking Icehouse on Saturday nights when we take those sets and laugh our ass off. Oh, yeah, but like how much of it is like, because when you say you don't have it as a comedian and to someone who knows you,

you weren't going up that often. So like is it that or like now with the way you're describing and it makes it seem like it's more like It's like not not that you didn't love stand-up comedy, but like it seemed like you were a little sick of certain parts of it And like now you have like a more hunger for it. Absolutely. I was you know, I was burnt out on a lot of shit It was time to take a breather and I'm really happy. I did it. I got to look at it from a different perspective And I watch a lot of young guys now and it's fucking great, you know. It's great. It's that time anyway. I'm gonna be at that chase him what, to the proven that I'm still young, wearing like cool sneakers and cool pants and I am what I am, dog. I'm like in those

syniatry years now. Pretty soon I have a little wig, and I'll put my notes in my wig like that bookie that he's tying on my mother's bar. Whenever I forget my jokes, I just pick up the wig and take the note like a little fortune cookie and read it. I wouldn't even think you're gonna lose your hair. What are you talking about? I'm losing it.

No, you're still gonna plant in here. No, dog, are you fucking crazy? are you talking about? I'm losing it. No, you're still going to plenty of hair. No, dog, are you fucking crazy? Are we talking about last time I went to a barber, she'd even use the scissors. She was pretty crazy. There was some dog in the baggy, out in the screaming and there were some dude was yelling, ah, ah, at least you go to the barber. Well, that's true to be true. I haven't gone to the barber in the fucking decade at least. It's nice, but yeah, it's a different.

Once I hit 60, the fucking head do LaRue. It's over with, you know. That's beautiful. I would kill for that. But I'm still doing my thing. I'm sticking to both things I wanted to do this year, was to write a little more, whatever it, listen. You and I both listen how I'm learning about myself now. Right away, I'm not going to tell you this.

Right away Thursday when I got up, when I got back Wednesday night, I was pretty tired. But I still came in here, wrote down my set, how I got back Wednesday night. I was pretty tired, but I still came in here, wrote down my set, how I did, and what I felt, whatever, and I didn't get paid, anything. So I just wrote zero. And then I wrote like some stuff out. And then the next morning when I got up, I opened up that page again, and I tried to write again. And this went on for about fucking three days. And I can't lie to you.

Like my Sunday I was a little disappointed. No, sadly, I was a little disappointed. And then it hit me like a fucking, fucking bullet to that. It hit me like fucking Kennedy and Dallas, right? Oh, fuck it. You gotta be on stage to write. Right. You got to be on stage to write. You got to be in the mix. I just can't come home and write.

I got to go bomb. But one good thing came out of that bomb. It's like when I told you, But one good thing came out of that bond. It's like when I told you, people say white bread is bad for you. Right. You follow me? I mean, you just get stronger. So right away, I was disappointed for a few days. And then I remembered, I'm no fucking Alonzo Bowdoin. I'm no Steve McGrew, who listened to the podcast and thanked this last week.

Oh, what's up? No Anthony Jazzle neck, you know, I'm no Bill Burr. And I guarantee you, by looking at Burr, it makes you seem like he does 60% of his writing up there. But what do you, because it's your same brain, like why do you think it's different? Like, why can't you just sit there and come up with stuff? There's no action.

What we listen, you ever watch a Lord order episode? Of course. When he's getting fucking interrogated. That's almost every episode. Yeah, you put fucking three hops in there. I do my best work when I got 200 sets of eyeballs looking at me. Yeah. You know these motherfuckers that go for stress management.

I go for counseling and I do yoga. Well, let me tell you something, Cocktucker. We speak bad fucking hotels and we go out in front of fucking, you know, and wait, like I told you, like I don't even know what's left anymore But I would love to get you a couple gigs like in Mormonville and some places like that when I you know after the show They'll come up to your good set man. I you Jewish and when you go yes I am the whole room of fucking freeze

It's like those poor people today the anti-Palestinians on the Lincoln tunnel. They blocked all those bridges, they got arrested. That a rough morning. Not a fan here. I would love to. Just to test your audiences, you know. I would love that. I think I'm actually really excited that I got some good news that I'm doing like my, in March, I'm doing like a full week in Vegas. I've never, I've heard of comics talk about it on podcasts, but I mean, that's one of

the reasons why I'm excited because there's going to be everybody there. Let me ask you a question, just so you can explain something to the younger comics. Okay. How long have you been doing comedy for now? Five years, I think. How long have you been going to Vegas? I've run to Vegas with you a bunch. I went to Vegas my first time as a consumer 2012, I think. I've seen time.

How many times did you go there to be associated with comedy. Oh with you I would say Three maybe two three four times. I would say and then I did it. I did some shows there myself once so maybe five times You were there for that flick shooting yes You were there with me the first time I did the South Point. A couple. I don't know if it was the first time I wanted a couple times at the South Point. It was the last time.

It's funny because I asked you this because ever since I've known you, I know we went to Vegas a couple times. And then you went on your own as a comic. During those years, when you go with me, we met a great comic from Vegas, great fucking heart, Freddie Corea and his wife. And they always bring us food or there were just good people, there were just good people. And I loved how they treated you from day one. So I was a man of Freddie. So you've been talking of Freddie and Freddie even had

you out there a few times when we lived in LA just doing sets and shit. So just think about the respect you got since then to now it took you five years to get the Vegas. Yeah, I started. This is my going into my six year, I guess. Other time we get to Arizona. All right. So, yeah, that was a while ago. It was like three, four years ago. Right off the bat, you're doing a lot better than me. Because it took me nine years, eight years to get to Vegas. And thanks for the grace of Joe Rogan, who took me to the Riviera the first time.

Yeah, well, thank you. I mean, I obviously had a bigger step up than you did, but I'm really excited. And I'm getting better. Oh, never mind. Well, I'm saying it in eight years, it took you fucking five and a half. Well, thank you. I'm just trying to acknowledge that you started from scratch. And I didn't.

That's where. You know, like, I definitely am doing open mics, but like, you know, I definitely am doing better. But I try to, when I look at other comics in the way they struggle, I feel like I have to at least acknowledge that I'm getting shows that But I try to when I look at other comics in the way they struggle, I feel like I have to at least acknowledge that I'm getting shows that I wouldn't at this level. Talk you at the right place at the right time and you came through. Nobody gives you nothing. You know, uh, somebody opens up a fucking door for you and you take it and you do well and they

keep opening up the door. It's not because they gave me an opportunity. It came through. The other guy's wife is pregnant. She can't do it no more. You showed up at the right fucking place at the right fucking time. I will say this. I've gone and chosen not done well. They're not gone and chosen again. So it definitely happens. What do you think I want the second time? Right. I don't want to. Let me a fucking car when I was going in the first three or four years of comedy on those triple runs. I got good reports. I want to give me a fucking card when I was going in the first three or four years of company. On those triple runs, I got good reports, I got bad reports. The bad reports will always occur so much. Nothing, but yeah.

No one's ever told me, I don't like a bad report. They always say, oh, quick job, we'll get back to you. I would love to get a report. And as much as it would hurt, I think it'd be fun. It'd be good to see. It's funny because if you watch the cat William things, he dropped a lot of fucking names in there. Me personally, I like cat Williams. He did something in 98 when he was cat in the hat.

And I was, I wasn't even fucking fat baby yet, you know, and he had a gig up in the valley and nobody showed. He left and paid us our money, which in those days people just left and you were like, what happened to my 50 bucks or happened to my 25 bucks? Well, he said something that was very interesting. He said, for a long time, blue comics were really killed. I still remember being at the store one night, going up at like 1245. And there's a guy back there, and Gagel and Lafen. And after the show, he comes up to me, goes, I'm the owner of the LA Cabaret. The LA Cabaret was a comedy club in the Valley.

It was like a C club, but you went up there to get spots, and he paid, but sometimes he owed, to have closed them down one time, you know. Right. So fine. He comes up and goes, this is my card, give me a call. I want to book you this weekend.

You know, I have a page on the way up there. I got a page I pull over and this guy's telling me 35 minutes before the show that I have to work clean. I'm like, what are you talking about? He's like, yeah, what I saw you, but I knew you could probably do a clean But I'm not going up to the workland. I can do a spot at the stone like my balls on fire. They don't tell me what the fuck to do I said, it's shrimp. You're not gonna tell me and receive it that Yeah, I got nothing against receipt of my

You follow me. It was like so nice. I still remember Doing comedy in 1994. I was three years in I was just tapping into myself. It was like you Judy Brown Sebastian's manager You know Burke Christ's manager, you know, Burke Christ's manager. I've known her since my Colorado days and she had a festival when you're in 94, you sent the tape and they picked you

and I sent like four tapes, nobody ever fucking picked me. But I went to some of the shows. And one of the shows I went to, there was a brother, that was a good comic, but later on he got ousted for stealing a joke and nobody really knew. And he was at the festival one of the nights. And he said, come into the back and just be a fly on the wall. And that's exactly what I did.

But it was a tent. And the tent next to me was Bill Cosby. Oh, shit. All right. Now I'm looking at, I don't know nothing about Bill Cosby. I'm just saying it's cool. It's cool that he was at the same festival. He didn't say me, he didn't see me.

I didn't talk to him. It was too down, but I could hear, you know, when you walk into your tent, you're in there with two other guys, and he's got 20 people in his tent. And he's doing a little, you know, it's got to be here in Colorado. And then he started going off

and I could hear him on dirty comics. Oh yeah. I hope this isn't a festival with a Volgarity and all this stuff. And he goes, you know, I've been trying to get together with clubs to stop that. That's not what good comedy is. And right there is a three-year comic. I felt like a fucking mook to law. You know, I'm like, what am I doing this for? And I'm in mistruggling with it. I

had already tried clean comedy. And I couldn't pull it off for you. I tried. I gave it like eight, nine months. And it just didn't fucking work. So, but that was, I'm sorry. That was your like a festival you were saying. Yeah, that was the Colorado festival. That's what Doug Benson was there. You know, back then, it was a young Doug. I don't think he did reaper jokes. There was a lot of good comics that went there. I don't forget. I just remember Doug. I remember Judy Brown. I remember that. I actually made a tape and thought I was going to go up there and win. And then when I called one day, they're like, listen, take a fucking hike. And we're keeping you the small 25. Oh, yeah.

That it's, I had applied to one and I've never gone. I've applied to a few of them. I haven't gone in yet. Now that I can't go, I'll probably get in. But like, as far as Vegas goes, I would do you remember your first week there? I know you said you were with Joe at the Riviera. The first time I was fighting again to Vegas for years,

there was a catcher rising star in Vegas. Okay. Kevin Sumton, my manager put me on to him because he booked some, I look, acts with my manager hat. That's when I was part of Batman's villains. It was like Jimmy Schubert, Carl LeBault. My great manager at the time had a bunch of fucking R-rated off the, they were characters. And I'm starting sending sending my tape and call them. And he's like, you know, we got a hard time

with dirty comics, see, again. And at that time they had Vegas, Reno, Princeton, New Jersey, which is still there. I don't know if they own it still or if just a, and they had another club somewhere at the time, like four clubs, catch a rising star in the city. I don't even know if they were booking that. When I first started coming, 93, I used to go over there and I never got picked for that

contest. So I stopped going after like four weeks. Are we talking about Vegas? Your first time there. Vegas. So I finally get into Vegas. And it's Monday through Sunday. 14 shows. Woo! Lord it! That's awesome. Excited.

Mommy, I don't even want to tell you because I'm embarrassed how little they paid me at that time. time. And this was in 99, 95. This is 99. Okay. Well, I met my wife. And I had like a whole week then. And it was in the hotel where it was swords and shit. Excalibur. The lock saw the X-Joy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, He got a package. I do the second show I hold off and I get the package from my buddy We disappear to a different hotel. I come back about two, you know I do the whole fucking Joey Dears. I just got the Vegas routine. I'm happy. I got up the next morning I'm hungover the fucking pieces. I'm thirsty all I want is coffee. I didn't even drink coffee then all I want It was cold on his juice. I had nothing in my room and if I had three dollars in my pocket, I'm lying to you. I had nothing. And I got on that

elevator and there was a bunch of kids with swords. I was still coming down the battery acid. I didn't know what the fuck to do. That elevator door closed. I sat down. These motherfuckers started stabbing each other. I thought my head was gonna Fuck blow up. I thought I had a I don't know what I was gonna do the parents are looking at me I'm looking at them they could tell I'm fucking still the gasoline is still in me my nose is dripping My left eye brows on fire, you know These poor kids are looking at me their mama That's their fault though.

That's what you're supposed to do in Vegas. It's not the kid. And then I thought I was gonna go sit with like normal people. No, no, no, no, they put me in this room. And it was like the employee room, but it wasn't like the regular employees. They put me like with jealous and people that were fucking, you know, not all the time back there.

I'm eating there, looking at me like, who the fuck is this guy? I'm trying to badge into the regular cafeteria with the fucking dealers and shit, seriously. And it was, I had no money, Lee. I was eating tuna puffs. How do you know me? You know, those tuna with the cheese on a piece of bread,

it was two days old. I didn't know if I was going to get sick. Fuck. And then you gave me at night. I could order food at the club, the club paid for it. If it was under 30 bucks, including dessert. And because that's what I've been trying to do the last couple of months is like not not in like a way of asking the club for

my money, but just like looking at what you actually make as a feature and like planning because I there's no one who likes to gamble more than me. No, I love Vegas casinos. But I'll probably profit $200 for the whole week if I'm lucky. So I can't, I could lose $200 and six minutes in Blackjack. Easy. You're not going to to play Blackjack. We would have you play Blackjack, right? So let's leave that alone for right now. Yeah. We have you in the casino gambling. You're going there as a comic. Yeah.

And you've got how many shows? Seven right now. I'm gonna get more. What's that comedy every night in Las Vegas? Yeah, I'll get more. You know, this is an experiment for you. I couldn't be more excited. This is an investment. You take a G't be more excited. This is an investment

You take a G-note out of the bank. How many days are you gonna be there for seven? Take a G-note out fucking break the four one K go in a deep to that fucking Hamas fund you got hold it on in case you got to make a getaway in case you got to make a getaway. And go there, give me 8 PM card when you check in. And this is Lee's week. This is your investment. You're not going to make money. Forget about the money.

If you're doing this for money, now to be a gangster. Forget it. This is all right off. Right. This is a business expense. You're going to get into comedy. You're doing this. I mean, I'm no cop. So if anybody is watching, don't tell a monk or Joey You're getting into comedy. You're doing this. I mean, I'm no cop

So if anybody is watching don't tell a monk will Joey's sent you you want information called fucking H and R block but When you're a young comic and you this is what you're doing From what I heard like this change that actually pay you per show and there's no hotel Yeah, I've got you. That means you got to bring a car. That means that or you got to pay for a hotel and then get a rental car.

A whole car picks you up. You're going to be, you know, it's a fucking nightmare for a comic. At least I got a hotel. At least I got a hotel when I was a feature actor. Right. For your hotel, it's not 250. It's not 50% of your, you're there for fucking three nights. There ain't no hotel for $50 that you don't have to sleep with

when I open. There's no, there's no fucking way. I don't care. Expedia jumping jack flash, you know, all that shit don't work with Uncle Joey. So you say peace important. So you're dropping a hundred a night. I mean, like that, like you're not gonna get more, you're gonna get more till six for a hundred. One for eight, once I join ARP, I'll talk and rent out my number. Do you mother fuckers? The same. And but really think about it. Isn't it? Yeah. This is lost vaguely.

This is a good opportunity for you. I couldn't be more excited. Yeah. Or a bad opportunity for you to get up there. Every night they go to me those I and then they escort you to the airport. That's when you come back. I put that in my mind. I'm high. Why are you going to put that? Now it's going to be your fault. It's like when you walked away from the blackjack table.

It's like when you went in, you walked away. Please. We know what happens when you take a tomato, the first three nights, you walk out of it. I'm taking a tomato. Don't say that. What do you say? That's not so mean. Listen, maybe the anti-Palestinians, I don't know. They love me. They're anti-pollars difference. You got that one knock knock jokes they start throwing rocks at you. By the time you get on the next day, there's going to be two security guards. We need to talk to you in the front.

You know, feel like that guy in Casino who was cheating. Remember the guy who was cheating with the company else. We have a bottle of shit paid. And I'll say that- That happened to me in Vegas. No, listen, why open up old wounds? You sit there and bring your luggage- You're saying you're gonna feel like that guy.

I've been that guy. Listen, we're gonna walk into the door. And once you hit that door, you get the ground. You hit the ground, run it. You know what I'm saying? You don't come back here, don't walk. No, no, no. In fact, we disconnected the eight on July itself.

Oh, that dammit. I'm not going to cut dammit. Now you got me thinking of the bomb. You're going to call me now. You've been so supportive, Nate. It's, oh, I'm not. No, no. I never said you were going to bomb.

Yeah, you're being said, what? Why is it what? That's not really an option. I just said you're going bomb. Yeah, you're being said, what? That's not everyone's option. I just said you're gonna bomb. I said that, you know, things happen. You get what I'm so bad I get escorted out. I've seen people bomb of never been escorted out of a club before. Oh, we'll tap you on the show.

We'll talk in the next video. It's so bad you get escorted out. Oh, that would fucking suck. Oh my god. I think I'd have to quit comedy. If you get a score, if you get a score down, I got like, if I eventually get fired, I'm gonna freak, like that's not gonna be good.

I got a fire on the show. Huh? I got a score a lot of two things, two things. What are you talking about? Not comedy ever. Oh, okay. Yeah. Huh I got a squirted out of two things to what are you talking about Not comedy ever. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm gonna show when I got fire for showing my balls and flying through the air Right, thanks to the director and the second time was that video game Yeah, off you three with the fucking black people and shadow lesbian

And fucking that doesn't sound like chicken. Sounds kind of fun, but that's, I can be honest, but if it's not comedy related, I'm kind of surprised you weren't kicked out of more like, do you mean like a bar? Are you just me like fired from a job? Like a video TV job. One was a video. You're pretty professional. I'm not okay. I thought you were talking about just in life being caught in places. Oh, I got fired from pre jobs. Well, they scored it out of two. They scored it out of two. Am I suck being escorted? No, you feel like fucking, you know, somebody who's yelling, I didn't do it.

I didn't do it. I'll be back to prove my innocence. Did you have like a box and everything or like what did you have? No, I just had what I had on my back. I don't really. My outfit was nudity. I had a short time. The T-shirt was 90 degrees.

I'm kind of funny. And the time in San Francisco, they came up to me and they're like, uh, Joey, can you wait inside? And I knew something wasn't right. Right? Why don't you want me to wait inside for it? And then two guys came in with the lady and they're like, listen, you're really insulted, the woman, we have to send a therapist in to talk to her, we have a hun. So I was fucking, I thought it was like

Jackass, no, no, one of those jokes, one of those TV hunts punk when she said that they were sending on-site counselors and on site counters and that the rest of the people were taking the day off and the two guys were in there like they're gonna scorch you to the door or cause for the pick you up you're free to spend the night in the hotel but we change your flight from fucking next Thursday to tomorrow. Jesus. And then you thought an action culture was gonna pop out? Yeah, I thought you cannot be fucking serious.

And then I was like, they paid me everything checked out. And then about two months later, they called the second you come in and do the voice over again, or whatever they had to the voice, I did it. Never heard anything, never gotten invited to anything and then fucking next thing, you know, people would tell me, I just killed you on Twitter.

Mafia three, so I was like, all right, they use you. That's crazy that people get so offended. That's too bad. So hopefully I'll get to go out two times this week. What's on your agenda there, Spaggy? My agenda is pretty, I have a day job thing I have to go to in Maine, but I'm going to do open mics in Maine. I already looked it up. There's three one night. So I'm going to try to hit at least two. then Friday and Saturday I'm at the Richmond Funnybone with Josh Wolf. Oh shit tickets are selling quickly. Oh yeah I'm very excited. Josh and Jacob. Vegas you're in New York City and again you could I always felt the little stigma

for a long time that I was going to, before I started going on the road with Joe, I was doing tours with Mark Babbitt and he was taking me to open up for various people and then I would get a job from that whether it was Paul Rodriguez or David Tal or Bobby Slate and you know, and then somebody picked you up.

I think I was working with somebody else for a while and then I was too dirty of work with them. And then I started working with Rogan as an MC. I just was in Miami and they needed an MC and they were kind enough to ask me to stay. And for a long time, I didn't work with Rogan as a feature. I worked with Rogan as an MC. He was making the money then. He wasn't bringing the whole three of us with him.

That was not happening back then. So if I wanted to work with Joe, I had to put the money out of my own pocket for the whole doubt. What? Yeah. What do you? How did he see you the first time I was at the store? He said the store. And he, and like, Oh, I was going to be gr We said the store. And he really, and like, oh, I was a baby griffin a few times. Oh, that's crazy. That's not.

But dice a few times on the bad boy tour in Las Vegas with Jim Norton and fucking Bobby Lee. This has to be 98, 99, 2,000. Damn dice has a good eye. He picked those three, fucking heavy do. You do do it. Jimmy was just starting to cook on opian Anthony Bobby Lee was being Bobby Lee like a motherfucker and I was out there, you know trying to just But all those years I went I made a contact

And that's you did that's what you did with Vegas. I'm really proud of you Lee Thank you, but I'm really proud of you Lee. Thank you, but I'm gonna go to Richmond, Virginia. And the MC is gonna go listen. Next time you come call me. I got a Monday, Tuesday, and a Wednesday. Two hours from here, they paid 250 a night. Fuck yeah.

Yeah. Well, that's a great thing about comedy. And that's what helped me like, I was thinking about it. This is is the second week of January I go into the last week of March right now. I don't have a week off Fucking God bless you my friend. I'm really excited. This is the first time it's ever happened and I'm pumped and and yeah, I just thank you dude Thank you and thank everyone who who comes out to the shows because shows because it's been a lot of you guys have been coming out and telling me, it means a lot. So thank you all of you.

So we've been on the air together for a long time. You sat in those rooms and you listened. I watched what Eleanor was doing and I get blown away. I watched Eleanor fucking hit me with a fucking paper towel to pick up my mat, you know. And although she was paying attention to look, it paid off. So I'm happy you did pay attention.

I'm happy that you're blowing up like you thought I would call the crypt same number same hood. It's all good. I'll see you next week. I'm stuck in. Stay black and I'm gonna hit two open mics for you this week. Lovely by Congrats. All right, love you too.

Go back to show. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey, you're thinking about changing your life. You saw the chick last night, the stallion on the show. You're like, I'm gonna go join whatever the, listen. You wanna have contact with people. You wanna talk to people, you wanna grow into a family. Go to your Wikipedia, I don't know Wikipedia, whatever, Google, the local Jiu-Jitsu school in the area. Take the free class, see what it's like. If you like it, go to FujiGee.com right now.

Pick a nice gear out. The super rato, they got geese for under a hundred bucks in a rockier world. They even had a guillaume special for 60 a couple of weeks ago. That a rockier world. It's Fuji Jack. They got the mountain, the whole thing there.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. Go to Fuji.com and get yourself a geek. And like I told you, either use cocoa, sorry, Uncle Joey, Joey, whatever. Take your pick. Take a chance. Columbus did. Also, I want to talk to you about on it. I've been with them for what? 12 years now, Lee. 12 years. And every January, I go on my little alpha brain, fucking cycle. I blast off for four weeks. I drink water. Tomorrow I gotta go do a blood test. But what am I telling you all this for? Just go to honate.com.

That's when the party starts. They got shroom tech. They got shroom tech immune. They got electrolytes. They have so many great new products for a rocket world. But it starts with you, go to audit.com right now. And again, take a chance Columbus did. Go with Coco, Uncle Joey, and Joey, it's Joey for audit, all right. Anyway, they don't have a website that helps you recover like, you know, your mis-punks, Q's.

Anyway, I love you guys. Thank you for giving us a chance again. We'll see you next Tuesday morning. Tip, top, magoo. Stay black. I love you guys. Thank you for giving us a chance again. We'll see you next Tuesday morning.

Tip top magu. Stay black.