Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - I got nothin' but a fungi toenail
Episode Date: July 9, 2024Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about his boy D' Money, Lee getting scammed on the NJ Turnpike, why Joey believes this class of comedians did more for comedy than any previous and much more! Support the ...show and try Blue Chew for free. Just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and press in promo code JOEY This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ and get on your way to being your best self. The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz
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You know, sometimes you go to jujitsu and you roll with somebody who's got an old gi. Yeah
Things stays in your nose the rest of the day. It's like smelling the dead fucking body. Sometimes
I got that smell of gi. I went
Talked to some guy. He smelled like it. I went to the fucking tire store. He smelled like it
I'm like choking or something. Like how did it get that deep into your nose? Because I was choking
I was close to him and I smelled it
Oh now it's all over me.
I took two showers and shit.
How often do you get new geese?
Like, because you're-
I wash, listen, I fucking wash mine.
And I got anti-stuff you put on it.
So first off-
Like fungal?
Yeah.
Like when I sweat and those things, I take them off. I come home. They don't even go upstairs. I
dumped my pants the knee pads and the Gigi and the for everything downstairs and
Then I take a shower and I come down and then I wash the gear and I put
softener a little bit of bleach
fucking washing whatever you throw in there to wash it with the pellet.
And then I put another compartment
for an anti-like fucking deodorant
that you put on your gi and it's fucking brand new.
Have you ever rolled with somebody
who like clearly has like a stink,
like they didn't wash it
or maybe they did a class before your class?
Like, what does that look like?
That's why I stay away from all early classes like if you have a if you join a
Any group class and I go well you got to be at eight well
Get ready to smell bad breath and fucking you know cuz people go in there right off the bed. They don't brush their teeth
So you're trying to choke them and they're breathing on you shit
So any exercise program you consider if it's a seven six eight a.m.
Bring fucking Listerine to put in your nose. Because some people fucking
like just wake up in the mornings and go straight there.
You know, when you sweat, let's say you go play basketball,
right at 730 at night, right? Get home late. You take a shower.
You ever notice sometimes when you wake up or a couple hours later, something's not right.
Like your body smells because your body releases shit
after you take that shower.
It's like, I'll take a shower sometimes at eight,
I'll take a shower at one and at four,
I gotta take a shower.
Like, I'm like, why am I greasy?
It's that after fucking sweat that comes on your system.
And it never, it always, always I always I thought I was crazy
Cuz you ever like, you know
Like you're trying to like make you getting ready for a show or something
I've got my balls thing and then you take a shower and then he still smell and I thought I was crazy
Oh, I have like the uncleanable asshole. I should watch it
Lemon it fucking and then I stick a finger and it still smells like fucking new
it fucking and then I stick a finger in it it still smells like fucking nuk sounds like a like a comic book like villain the uncleanable asshole
oh no it's like the unwashed everybody's assholes unwashed you could wash it
scrub it you sniff it it's still got that afterburner smell to it like you're
like what I do I'm trying to that's why I had the loofah to clean the edges to
you know although like when you fart yeah let's do that goes to the end this shit I forgot you had an ass loofah didn clean the edges to, you know, all the like when you fart, you have that residue that goes to the end and shit.
I forgot you had an ass loofah. And didn't you have something else?
You're like, you're like a loofah. And then you also had something on a stick.
Yeah. But my fucking everything I do, everything I do. Listen, man,
I hate that feeling of taking a shower at seven and then taking a shower at like
one and then having to go do something at six and going,
I'm going to jump in the shower and the water hits you it slides off. It's like I'm greasy as fuck
My face is greasy my whoa. Whoa. I just took a shower five hours ago
So yeah, I get greasy. I don't know why I get like oily my skin the water beads on it Like I fucking got carnauba wax on it or some shit.
I was gonna say, you sound like an animal,
like don't ducks have like grease gland or something?
I've never heard of being greasy like that.
Listen, I'm not a greasy person, like the Q-dance.
I never would have thought you're always clean.
You take three showers, is that why
you take three showers a day?
No, I take two showers.
Listen, I like to shower.
Like you know what I like about going on the road?
What's that?
The best thing ever was going in the shower that
has nothing to do with you.
Because you go, fuck.
You go in there, turn that hot water on,
and you don't get out till the fucking icicles are coming out.
Till they're banging downstairs.
There's no hot water.
I love hotels like Vegas, anything like that,
because they give you a big shower,
and you could sit in there.
I'll get fucking stoned and go in there.
And I'll tell you the best joke writing I'll do
is in the shower.
I'll giggle in the shower because I'm rested.
I wish, remember we had this conversation
where somebody sent me about six years ago,
somebody from the church actually sent me about six years ago, somebody from the church actually sent me
papers and a pen that you could write with in the shower.
So if you remember that.
You remember that?
I love the shower.
That's where all the, you know,
you wake up in the morning, you drink a cup of coffee,
you fucking meditate, you write a little bit.
You go on the computer, you know fucking
Biden's got the age of a 22 year old, you know, you see all this bullshit up at 8 in the morning
And as you're going to the shower, you kind of like drag it with you not stupid. Just like what's going on today? I gotta go here. I gotta go there once you hit the shower. Everything goes away
Once I close that door in the shower, let me tell you something everything goes away I
Start the God don't give me another day. I'm appreciative for this
You know, I'm appreciative for the shower. How many fucking people get to take a shower in the morning
Over the whole world not many when you think about it
They ain't taking no showers on our minds. They got no hot showers there
Yeah, we're not they got no hot showers in a lot of fucking places
So you got to be grateful for that fucking shower like I'm like Jesus Christ. How great am I?
I'm washing my pussy, you know distinct from the sleep apnea mask, whatever the fuck I got on me in the morning, you know
And you slow your day down, which is what you always want to do. You want to slow you you control the pace of your day
You ever leave your house. You're in a rush and you fucking don't have your keys
Because you didn't control your day
Right stop and take a minute. I'm gonna be five minutes late
Who gives a fuck? Call him.
Right. Call like set up your day. But to walk out like discombobulated. That's the beginning of your day.
If the beginning of your day sucks, how's the rest of the day gonna be?
Yeah, I've never thought about that.
You leave the house all discombobulated, right?
You're on the turnpike. You know, if you go on the Jersey turnpike,
I don't have to tell you the park where you're gonna hit
a nail
Like you did right like you did an Amish nail. God damn it. I
Was telling my buddy today he had a fucking male while we're on the phone dude and on the turnpike yeah
I think something sprinkles fucking nails on that
I was just gonna say that because I don't know if you knew this
But like if you get a flat if you have anything happen to your car on the turnpike
You can't call
Anyone to help you you have to call the state and the state sends someone out
I have like a a wheel and tire protection thing that I never would
have got, but it covers it. Thank God. From I got a Hyundai. Hyundai covers it. They come,
they change a tire. They bring everything and they called me and they were like, we
can't come out there. You need to call like the new jersey state dispatch
And they sent and the guy I forgot about this the driver tried to try to screw me on the price
The oh, yeah, where is he jack you got it?
The dispatcher told me it was gonna be like 85 and then when he's like, all right
So I called and he said, it'll be 85.
In like 20 minutes, the driver called me.
He's like, so it'll be like 100 bucks.
And I was like, hold on.
The guy said it's 85.
And when the guy got there, he's like, well, I was factoring in tax.
I was like, you were trying to get 15 bucks for yourself.
No, this is New Jersey.
It never ends.
It never fucking ends.
That's why I avoid the turnpike.
I fucking.
You know, it's so weird how you, for years,
I started my day wrong.
And I used to fucking be mad.
Like, why do I leave the house angry in the morning?
You haven't even gone into the day yet.
You leave the house angry, you are gonna stab somebody
by 4.30, you know, to try and stop or...
And then I, you know, I don't know, it just,
for a while, like, I was in, not prison,
but what's that shit like when I worked in snowman or even in prison?
You see people in the morning how they rush
Oh, yeah, you know when you have a family like a family of six and you got one bathroom
You know, I seen those families go at it because you got to get in there, you know
By the time you leave you're fucking wiped out. You've been arguing with your family all morning.
You've been pushing all the fuckers
and taking a shower with cold water
and your socks are missing.
So by the time you get out there, you're a fucking animal.
Oh yeah.
And I think even more like for people
who are like single or younger people,
like they set their alarm usually
until like the very last second
Like when I was working in LA and I had to drive down to the West LA every morning I would set it until like
The last second I had of sleep. I wouldn't eat breakfast. I would jump in the shower and leave
Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah
That's when you're stupid. You said it to
fucking you got to be at work at nine. It takes 20 minutes. You get up at eight 30 like
you fucking own the place. Right. A monkey spit on your hair and you shoot the work.
I get it. I was there, you know, and as you get older, like it's so funny how you work
for work first. Then you start working for a career.
And you tighten up your shit, you try to get professional, you try to get on time, you
know.
It's such a fucking hard life, like how you evolve, you know, how you started like I don't
give a fuck when I get there.
Fuck that dude, you know.
Right.
I get to 11, I don't give a fuck. I already got my hours for the, you know. Right. I get to 11, I don't give a fuck.
I already got my hours for the week.
I'm going down to shore on Friday, you know.
They're lucky I'm coming.
Yeah, they're lucky I'm coming.
But then as you get older, you get more responsible
and you start waking up a little earlier.
Hey listen man, till I met you,
nah, little before I met you,
I left the house. Like I had an eight o'clock flight in LAX. Eight o'clock flight. It takes off at eight. And I would leave the house at seven with
a straight face.
Did you ever even make it?
No.
Okay. I was going to say, did you make it once?
You gotta get on the phone and call the comedy club
and tell them you're not coming in at one
and you're coming in at 11.
I would do that every fucking time, every time.
Then 9-11 came and they started getting tighter
and tighter and tighter.
I said, you know what?
My flight's at three or something.
I'm gonna leave here at one.
And it was greatly
It was one of the best things I ever did I got there early. I didn't have to look at the clock
Security you go over there's a restaurant. You know you go over you bring a vape a pen with you a
Computer you got your phone you got a book
You're prepared now. You don't fly like an animal.
In comparison to running through the fucking airport,
bumping into people, getting on the plane,
there's no overhead compartment
because you were one of the last ones.
Now you gotta take a middle seat next to a blind guy
with a dog.
It never fucking ends.
It never fucking ends, man.
So at one point you go, how do I do this? Right? Okay
I gotta get listen. I was watching the news the other night, you know get to the airport three hours before go fuck yourself
Yeah, no an hour before you're good. You check luggage you stop you get something to eat. You got a newspaper
Your joints still in you, you know that THC still burning
So you're good before you got on a plane and take the edible you didn't take no edibles tonight
Did you say did what I don't see I did to take out but you the one thing I will say is you do need
TSA pre-check because some of those airports an hour isn't enough time. Oh, it's a fucking nightmare even clear
But you got what this is telling me now
Is that something else is coming
Like a bad like an attack or something. No attack. This is gonna be now clear is always packed. Oh, yeah
Yeah, we check is always packed. So now any day they're gonna have
luxury
VIP I think they already have that don't they have that we're like you can go to like a special
Area only one of like the air ones will even send a guy to your house
I've seen videos on like the man was no like I one of the guy like a Dubai Airlines or something
Let's send a dude to your house with like a laptop and a printer and they'll take your bags
They'll give you the boarding pass. So you don't even have to go you just walk straight to TSA and
You probably don't have to do that.
I flew a couple of times this year and I got to tell you, fuck you.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
It's okay. Like somebody told me they would delay five hours the other day and it takes
the fucking takes the energy out of my lungs when somebody fucking delayed for five minutes. Oh, it bothers me to know and like
What do you do? I've been there when you're fucking delayed six seven hours and you're like you're making calls
You're trying to pull favors get a helicopter. I remember one time me and Steve Simone
Got delayed there were thunderstorms in Atlanta and the
computer service went down. I remember that. And fucking Live Nation was like, listen, man,
how about you take a helicopter from New Orleans to whatever it's going to cost you like $2,200,
but at least you'll make the gig. And I go, listen, I ain't taking no fucking helicopter. It's over.
I'm going home.
I'm going home.
I've been in an airport for fucking nine hours.
You want me to take a helicopter to do a gig?
I smell like a goat.
The plane was at eight in the morning.
Now it was six o'clock at night.
And this guy's like, you're going to make it.
You're going to be here.
I don't want to be at eight o'clock.
I've been in an airport since six in the fucking morning. I'm telling you
welcome
Just knowing you is there ever a situation where you'd get in a helicopter
If it was the end of the world and I have somebody else's credit card you bet your ass in the credit card
Well, yeah, well if it's the end of the world, you'll do a lot of things, but I can't imagine
You renting a helicopter to go to a gig. I
Mean if you're getting 22 million dollars for the fucking gig, you know, like Dion Sanders in between games
You know, he runs it
Yankees and scores a home run. He's making a couple mil for the day
Fuck I'll take a helicopter and put three of my friends behind me in helicopters
You know I'm saying and what was the helicopter ten hours ago, huh? Like you might have done a helicopter ten hours ago
When that day right like if you if you have been
Let's get something straight. I know so giant no marine. I don't ever want to be on a fucking
You said you kept fighting me on it. I just said you said fucking would listen we talk about helicopters
I don't want to be on a helicopter
But if I had to you know, it was the end of the world. I'd have to take a helicopter
My first choice enters to get up in the morning and be like James fucking bond and go off
What I call my helicopter?
Yeah, that's what I see
Let's get this fucking thing started. Will you?
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Let's get the check-in started turn off your TVs run for your lives. It's over
They didn't put you on this planet just to give up
I thought what Joey could do it. I can rule the world. That's what you got to be thinking
Oh Oh Shit it's a beautiful fucking week
With more heat more heat and more heat. You know I'm saying I'm happy to see you buddy. How you doing?
You know me dog tip top Magoo always tip throwing through the tulips as they say. Oh, yeah. How is your fourth?
You know You've been to one fourth. You've been to a mall I'm just throwing through the tulips as they say. Oh yeah.
How was your fourth? You know,
you've been to one fourth.
You've been to them all. Did you
watch it and you just sit there
and wait for George Washington
to show up. He never shows and
that's it. I had a quiet fourth
league. Yeah. You know, I gotta
start considering my future because I had all these plans for fucking 4th of July.
I swear to God, I had 92 plans and that night I ended up getting up like at 4.30.
I just got up in the middle of the night.
I couldn't sleep.
No anger, no anxiety.
Just got up.
Came down, watched some TV, smoked a few fucking bonheads.
I was fizzled.
I fucking had some oatmeal and made that portable oatmeal, you know that high protein tastes like ass
Mike
Terrible oatmeal this shit out of a package. I'll never do it again. I
Thought it was supposed to be healthy. I was twitching for like fucking two days. I put an oatmeal
so
The bed and I got up fucking 1130 and I was like damn that big, it was
the Yankee game.
Right.
I took a shower and I went outside and I'm like you know what, fuck that Yankee game.
It was hot on the fourth and it was hot here.
I went to my neighbor's house who are great people, had a great time with the Pumas and
it got to the point where it was so hot, it was uncomfortable to eat.
Like you're outside constantly.
I had to go in and get a little play with the dog
and get cold and I come out again and see them and I go in.
I finally just came home and fucking stayed here.
I don't blame you.
It's too hot.
I was talking to somebody who in New York,
who grew up in a house for 30 years with no AC.
How do you live in a house?
Can you imagine that?
Like that's what I, that's like a torture chamber for me.
Well, man, you know, one of my vivid, vivid memories as a child, like I still
think about this when I go to bed at night, I think about this was when I go to bed at night, I think about this, was when I used to stay at 148th
Street at my godmother's house, and at night I would call for the Cedeno's, like they would
go, if you get out of the house at eight, I was like six, seven, you know, and they
lived across the street, it was right across the street, I didn't have to, and you just
had to, and they lived on the fourth floor of a five-story building on 148th and Broadway
Across the street from my godmothers, but I still remember going up there
They had like nine kids and they were all sleeping on the floor
With white sheets and it probably be four blankets four fans
Falling like, you know medium fans like jungle fans from Kmart I remember going back to my house my apartment my godmothers and she had air-conditioning
Don't then go on a 205 West 88 Street. My mother didn't move without air-conditioning
I remember going back to my house
I remember going back to my house my apartment my godmothers and she had air-conditioning
Don't then go on a 205 West 88 Street. My mother didn't move without air-conditioning
I remember going back to my house my apartment my godothers, and she had air conditioning. Then going to 205 West 88th Street, my mother didn't move without air conditioning.
So I got to learn that. I got to see these people. But then there was a lot of times
when I lived in North Bergen, I didn't have air.
You know, and you live underneath, like you live like in a basement apartment. That's great.
It stays a little cool. But you get a fan at night at night. You're up on this a week in when I was growing
up there was always a week in July or August that you just didn't sleep. It was too hot
to sleep. Oh, I've had AC break and I get it if you're broke because trust me there's
people AC is expensive. I just got one but But this girl, the thing that got me about it,
her family has a house with a pool.
They just didn't want, their parents didn't want AC.
Can you imagine actively not choosing?
I've been to a lot of homes where people would say to you,
we don't need AC.
We just open up the windows in the summertime
and it's cool.
And you're there at eight o'clock and you're like, fuck you.
This is not comfortable at all in July
You know, but there's people who enjoy that I
Grew up with you know air conditioners in the window
You know, yeah me too and la you don't even have heat in your apartment. There's those two months in November December you freeze
There's no fucking heat. Nobody ever talks about there's no heat in LA
No, no other apartments have a heater. They got one of those little heaters from 1940 on the wall
Yeah, you are lighting that motherfucker. Yeah goes on fire. There's dead rats in there and mice
For everyone who doesn't know it blew my mind when I got to LA fucking mind, there's no heat and LA guys on Move to LA in the winter like November December you freeze at a fucking old-school apartment, Hollywood Studio City
You fucking freeze man. They haven't updated anything since I think you're right like the 40s or 50s and it's just like this it's like a
basically like a metal toaster on the side of your wall with that and a house that probably has
a metal toaster on the side of your wall with that in a house that probably has this in it and there's a little flame it's like a wall furnace it's not even
electric there's a little gas flame and I'm a kid from the suburbs of Boston
and I had to light this thing and it wasn't like you could set it to a
temperature it's not like oh I would like it 73 in here it's either off or a
thousand and only in one spot like it was like that was crazy
Also, my best friends still I just spoke to a Sunday Saturday. I was at a barbecue
She called me to ask me a question. She still lives on Gardner. No Gardner
Schrader and how well okay? Yeah
That fucking building hasn't had asses 1928 and she
leaves the window she lives upstairs she leaves the windows open you know she
puts the fan on she finally broke down and bought something for the apartment
but she's got no fucking heat and she definitely on the air conditioning all
those places were built in the 40s guys
That's a lot of people on the stand like the 40s and 30s Burbank. You got no
Do you remember when we started the podcast the apartment I lived at cumston? Yeah, of course we had Mercy's office. Okay
That one had a thing
In the hallway and at a window unit. No, it had one on the wall.
Oh, the heater.
Okay, got it.
I'll never forget going under there
with a fucking lighter with the thing.
Dog, I almost blew up the fucking house.
I saw that gas go, I was like, enough.
It looks like you're putting on a robe, Terry Clark.
Isn't that the scariest thing in your life?
And then when we lived in Hollywood,
that building is even older.
Wow.
I still remember leaving Hollywood
and going to that neighborhood with my wife
and looking at the building
and that building is about to tip over
next to the gay and lesbian center
on fucking garden of that.
Doesn't one of the guys from the,
I don't wanna say his name and Sally, where were it?
Yeah, that's crazy. Okay. I paid
700 he's paying 2100 who's a smart one problem? Why Brian? It's still rent control, but in that but yeah
So anyways about that apartment. Yeah, you can't when it was an earthquake you hear the bricks grinding like it was
fucking scary
So we're there and we're dying of,
it's November, we're fucking dying one night.
And we actually went.
We're like, what the fuck is this compartment there?
Terry had lived there for four years,
and this thing stuck out the floor.
So we ripped the carpet, and I went in there and ripped it.
Oh my god, it was like a heater that you
had to fucking play the organ.
You had to have like a little organ grinder
This is not this bill who knows how old this fucking building was it was ratted out when I took the thing
There was a dead rat in there like the the skeleton came up with the fucking heater
We had carried downstairs me and Terry we had to fill in the fucking hole in the ground
It's it's it's really insane when you move to Hollywood and you move into some of those apartments and go
Okay, I'm in Hollywood
We bright I would have loved to a have known how old that rad skeleton was cuz that wasn't like a new rat
No, no
There was no hair on it. It was just a fucking skeleton. I'll never forget. There was a comic I was friends
with in Seattle. Good dude. I ain't going to drop his name and shit because he might
get his feelings hurt.
Okay.
When I first got to LA, I was having problems with this girl. And I'm like, I got to get
my own apartment. Well, you know, you put the word on the street and people reached out
like, I got a great apartment.
And I went out to his apartment.
His apartment was, like, fucking all the way out there.
And Hollywood, like, where the Western,
he lived in those neighborhoods down there.
Right?
OK.
You know, I'm desperate.
I got, like, keys. Like, Listen, you can move with $200. I never forget walking up
the stairs and smelling fucking foods from other countries and shit. It's hot. Now you're
walking in the building and you smell like every level. I had Russian, Salvadorian, Hindu.
As I got to the fourth floor, the Bruce Lee floor I was like this ain't gonna
fucking happen.
Oh, I'm taking my 200 bucks and go my brother I'll take and I started living in the hotel.
That's better to this.
No, that hotel was not better at that time.
Oh, maybe not.
But I this was 98. And that time. Oh, maybe not. But I. This was 98.
And here's what's crazy.
OK.
Four years later, I ended up moving there.
To that building?
Right from that hotel.
Yeah, with Terry.
That's what we have in the apartment.
OK, but not the building with the floors and.
I think it's going to move back in the building.
That was the building we lived in.
Oh, wow.
OK. Across the street from that was the building we lived in. Oh wow, okay cross the street from that was a
What happens when people come from other countries like students and they travel it was a hostile and they did comedy there remember
Yeah, they do cover hearing about it. I don't think they had Wednesday nights and all that shit
But before that was a hostile that was was a weekly hotel. You were allowed
to stay for 19 nights in a row. And then you had to move to the other hotel and then come
back 19 days later. I just went on the road and then would come back and stay there. The
other hotel was far. I didn't like it. It was dark and shit a lot of creepy people was up by
On the way to the 101 on Coenca. I don't want to stay up there by Coenca
Right this was in Hollywood right off Sunset Strip. I
Don't know what it was a week. I just said fuck it. I broke down, you know
The back rooms at the end of the hall everybody got fungus on their feet you know people drinking people doing drugs people
are yelling that i used to just go home at night close the door and fucking write jokes and finish
my coke i had to put like double locks on the door like you have to lock the door and then put
like a chair against it and you would stay there for 1990 i can't like the fact that you were
scared because like i don't know you were tough guy
I like me. I could see myself putting up we're yelling all night. It was like being in prison. You hear people yell
You know, what is somebody got to knock out my door with a knife
That's I wasn't scared like the cry it was a Hollywood it was you know before you moved to Hollywood way
It was a Hollywood it was you know before you moved to Hollywood what?
2011 all right when I moved to Hollywood in 97 if you walked on Hollywood Boulevard
It was a fucking dump. Oh, I'm sure I never even lived in Hollywood I lived in the valley only cuz yeah, it's a fucking dump
I'll never forget like having a few dolls in my pocket
and staying at that creepy hotel,
waking up on a Monday morning all over to the gills.
I always lived at the store the night before.
I still got coke in my nose.
I'm fucking walking on Hollywood Boulevard.
And what I would see on Hollywood Boulevard would go,
how do people come here?
Right.
I'm not fucking coming here.
These people need fucking help.
Why would you pay to come to put flowers on?
It was people were pissing on them and shit at that time.
I'm not kidding you.
What the fucking thing that took the cake was,
on the corner there.
When I first moved to LA, there was like a diner type thing,
but it was all people who was, again,
it was real tratties, the ones that put the wig on
and they fucking put heels on, but they're really men.
This is 97, nobody was doing operations
and shit like that no and
we're not gonna call it the other thing because it wasn't you know this was
crack hole central Thursday nights it did comedy and singing and poetry and
one of my friends from acting class was doing a set and she begged me please please please it's
like a seven o'clock set oh my god what I saw in there it was nuts guys were
wigs people fucking naked it was insane but they served food there it was like a
fucking I thought you were gonna say you were following your dreams of comedy.
What are you talking about food?
Crazy.
So I wake up hungover and there's nowhere else
to eat on Hollywood Boulevard.
And I walk into that fucking place at seven in the morning,
nine in the morning to eat.
How hungry were you?
Why didn't you just go get a bag of chips?
Listen, because I wanted some eggs.
I needed some healthy food.
I had drugs in my system.
What do you think?
I had problems.
When you have problems, you need grease.
Chips ain't going to help.
So I walked into this place, and I got like two eggs,
the whole fucking schmear, bacon.
Dog, when they brought the bacon back,
they brought it on one dish to be nice.
They put three slices on one dish
Right a better grease remember when my cousin Vinny when they came to grits
Fucking they smell terrible eggs
I remember paying like the ten bucks twelve bucks getting up and telling that tranny chef to go fuck himself
Oh, even the chef wasn't training
not a tranny like today but you know the wig right fucking heels and the app adam's apple and
they'd sing songs shit i'm surprised they didn't even open what's that i'm surprised why are they
open at seven in the morning for brackfield like what is the who's even in there like were they surprised you came in?
How other people now what were they eating?
Dick I don't fucking
They would just you know, how do you have any balls to say anything about the food? I ever ate
What do you well, it's not like I sat there and ate and then went back two days later you filthy fucking animal
Well, it's not like I sat there and ate and then went back two days later you
I looked at that bacon. It smelled like fucking dog. It was like the Mike Vic Lux special some shit. I
Was like I ain't eating this anyway. I want to talk to you guys about better help. I'll be right back
Hey, I took a little break from the episode with cracking jokes and whatnot. I want to talk to you about better help
It's easy to feel jealous of other people's lives, especially when they're showing off new houses flashy cars
Boats going to trips. Listen, don't worry about that stuff
Therapy I hope you focus on what you want out of your life instead of what everybody else is doing
Better help is amazing. They're 100% online therapy
So you could schedule sessions whenever works for you. It's easy to fit into your daily life Also, you could talk to a therapist by phone message or video call whatever you feel most comfortable with listen
I had some issues. I spoke to better help
Listen, I had some issues. I spoke to BetterHelp. Six, seven months later, they gave me some exercises to learn how to cope.
And here I am, tip-top Magoo.
And it's easy. You fill out a quick questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist,
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Try them out. Try them out. If you're stuck, you know what? You never know what better help could do for you
They helped me and I know they can help you so now back to the show
We're back
We're back Jack. Just remember see once I spoke once I went to that diner
I always remembered that diner and when I signed up with better help three years ago, I brought that diner up
So that's why once I spoke about that diner in LA. I had to bring up
What did you tell what why did you I mean? I don't want to cross any boundaries
But why were you talking about a diner in therapy?
Because it still drove me crazy that maybe you know three slices of bacon on a dish of greasely.
You know, if they would have put paper on it, like it would have looked a little better. I mean, it was just,
and I'm not kidding you, I'm not kidding you, I'm not trying to be funny. It was unedible.
Hollywood Boulevard was not good, Lee 97 then they rebuilt they started and by
2003 it was fucking I remember that I had a club right down the block from my house walking
That's what they did the longest yard party
When I got the invite to that I'm like no, I don't have that table like we'll send the car for you what for 40 yards
That's crazy. Yeah, I still have a take in the car now was up the corner and then
The reason we moved because we were surrounded with clubs
Ella Hollywood had become something completely fucking different
Completely different than when we got there. It was a dump when I got there by
2005 6 7 at least it looked okay compared to the people used to see walking around there at night
There were groovy fucking ghoulies man. It was not good. I'm telling you
It was nothing good man. I think those were the people that got pushed up to the valley or something. Is that what they did?
No, those people just got killed those groovy ghoulies somebody just bust them to fucking Vegas
To a fucking molly party where everybody dies
I don't fucking know it was it was not good and then but then all that got cleaned up and then the homeless came
And we'll get they weren't even homeless. No not like what they were when we left. No
Okay, but what were the the creepy ghoulies?
Just people who hung out on Hollywood Boulevard, man.
Oh, shit.
I thought they were moody people.
When I first moved to LA,
I lived in, me and dad have got an apartment.
We lived in Hollywood by La Brea.
La Brea and Hollywood those apartment buildings there
There's like three or four of them as you're going up towards the Comedy Store
We live there so we would walk to Hollywood at night and there was at that time
There was like a an ice cream shop in the corner. It was still kind of nice, you know
But when you got into the middle McDonald's
The fucking anti wax museum who goes to a wax museum unless you're fucking creeped out
You ever go down there like the Chinese people taking picture of a wax you taking picture with Charles Manson
He's in wax. What is that? Madame Tussauds or something? Yeah, Madame Tussauds all those creepy people who's gonna hang out
Well, they sit there next to the way then you had the superheroes down there the spider-mans and they were beating each other up
They were all on meth. You never seen a documentary about that shit
I've seen that and then my favorite is a picture of a like a he looked like any probably a very nice gentleman
But he was like 45 like and I'm like a Mexican dude and he was wearing like a Minnie Mouse costume
And he was just my this might have been in New York
But he was wearing a Minnie Mouse had the head off smoking a cigarette and it was fucking Minnie plus
But he's like a 45 year old Mexican dude and a bunch of kids were seeing him and they started crying
Oh, that's what happened
He some fucking kid in LA was smoking in like a Batman suit
with some shit some guy was shooting heroin or playing the piano some kids started crying and
Listen that document I had I've seen it was It was called the Superman of Hollywood or something.
Yeah, yeah, it was something crazy.
That's the crazy part about LA,
is the dude dressing up to take pictures
on a Hollywood Boulevard for tips,
in his mind is a star.
Like a superstar.
Well, let's get back to basics here, okay?
Just to, I don't know if you remember this.
I used to buy Coke from the Martell Cartel, right?
And I loved it.
Now, when I started hanging out with the Martell Cartel,
it was a white dude and two black dudes.
OK.
Then they got robbed at gunpoint right on Martell.
And that's how I became friends with them.
I go, what kind of drug dealers don't have a gun
Well, we never thought of it you never thought of it
Gun hidden over Ralphie lived and I brought it to my go to yours
I don't want no money for just give me like a gram of coke. They're like, is it clean? Who cares?
You know, just hide it. I don't know if somebody got shot with it. Don't worry where I got it from
So just hide it is it what they're like? It sounds like they were like very nerdy were they nerds?
No, no, no, no, these guys were from Oakland two of them were from Oakland
But they didn't know that they were gonna get robbed with guns. I asked you don't have a gun
Then they they bought out the white dude or they beat him up. I don't know what happened
I'm right bottom out and
Then the big black dude left. he hooked up with a chicken left. So my buddy my dear friend D money
Stayed and ran it but at the same time he lost a roommate
So he brought a chicken there that lived upstairs he lived downstairs in the bedroom and I told you about this
What do you put?
Because I have a question but go ahead
Good hit me with the question. Why is a drug dealer need a roommate?
They live in it on Martel they had that expensive side up the corner by the Jewish school
Remember the school with the security and shit. They were up there
So is a nice play he needed a roommate
you know just somebody to watch somebody he knew so he moved like his aunt down his aunt lived
upstairs but then his cousin moved to lived in hollywood the cousin would break his balls but
his cousin was either one of those dudes spider-man on hollywood boulevard and his name was
who dat that's what we call them who dat little black dude not all that on the spectrum you know I was like, I'm not going to
be able to do that.
I'm going to be able to do that.
I'm going to be able to do that.
I'm going to be able to do that.
I'm going to be able to do that.
I'm going to be able to do that.
I'm going to be able to do that.
I'm going to be able to do that.
I'm going to be able to do that.
I'm going to be able to do that.
I'm going to be able to do that.
I'm going to be able to do that.
I'm going to be able to do that.
I'm going to be able to do that.
I'm going to be able to do that.
I'm going to be able to do that.
I'm going to be able to do that.
I'm going to be able to do that.
I'm going to be able to do that.
I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. blow coke to get coke and he would always be there but they didn't have a room for him. So they rented him the
closet under the stairs
Remember I told you about this he lived in that little closet. Yeah, like a little light
Yeah, like a little refrigerator by the way, the door open the bow was beautiful in there
I would have rented it for 200 at that time and a shower. It was beautiful. They had a shower under the closet
No, he had a shower in
the kitchen like. Oh, okay.
But he lived in the he was a
man in the closet. You know
what I'm saying? So, I never
heard of that. I don't I got
you might have talked about it.
I don't remember the man in the
closet. Yeah. D money is Don
Sleazy. That's his other street
name. Don Sleazy, D Money. So,
D Money rented it to him and I would go there
at night, who dat, what's up? And there were nights that him and who dat would gamble and
they would play, you know, those fucking basketball games and NFL with whatever and they would lose
and I'd get there and he'd go, who dat, you owe me 10 bucks. And who dat would go, I don't have it,
we'll get in the closet until you get like mush from fucking Bronxdale. He used to send them to
the closet and who dat would go, I don't give a fuck, man. in the closet until you get like mush from fucking Bronxdale. He used to send them to the closet and who that would go.
I don't give a fuck, man.
That's my little condo in the alley.
I like this.
He's like Harry Potter of the drug dealer world.
What are you?
I've never heard of this thing.
And he's, I don't want to put it out there but like
did he did he retire or is it still going on well I don't know where who
that is in this spider-man Hall of Fame my buddy is still in LA he slings part
time he drives an uber he's mature now He's got a little clientele He's always made great money, you know, good guy. I miss him a lot
You know after I stopped doing blow I was still great friends with him because I loved him and he loved me
I that dude still calls me
Checks in I still call him a professional. He asked about my wife
He asked about my daughter. Yeah, we just became friends after that
And I'm sure now he doesn't but like he did he ever try to get you to go back
Not what?
That's really cool. Okay
Because I'll never forget like I quit
and I stayed away from him for like two weeks and
I remember I did something with Rogan and I got paid cash and I owed him like
I don't know 250 something like that and I remember I put he liked hats at that time
somebody was sending me a lot of those you know hats that you not the Kangols but the
other ones like the ones that people smoke with the look cool, right?
He liked us and there was a company that was sending them to me. So I put three hats I put the cash in there
I'll never forget. I just stung swung by his house after Vegas and
Knocked him as doing he goes where you been man? What's going on and nobody's heard from me like I stopped snorting because I had to disappear from the store, too
The crew the week I quit coke was the week Marilyn Martinez died
So I was clean like four days when I got back from Jersey. I didn't get high in Jersey. That's crazy. I
Got the call when I was in Jersey at Marilyn died
I flew back to LA and then a couple days later it was awake when I was headed to Marilyn's I
Stopped and bought a gram of coke
really I was awake when I was headed to Maryland's I stopped and bought a grandma coke Really?
But I got into an argument at Maryland's with a producer and when I left I was so mad
I gave the grandma coke away that saved my life and that was the last time I walked in the store
After that night, right? I forgot about that and that was right around that time. That was
2007 about that and that was right around that time. That was 2007. So I disappeared when I quit. I
just disappeared. Only nobody knew that I had quit. And were you in the valley at this point?
No. Okay. I was still in Hollywood and I remember I did New Year's with Joe. OK.
And then the first week of January, we always did COBS.
OK.
Fear Factor, I think.
When he was on Fear Factor, we'd always do COBS
the first week of January.
Right.
And I remember this year.
And by that point, I had been clean three and a half weeks the whole month of December and two weeks in January I was like
When is this gonna end because I made it through Christmas. I made it through New Year's
I think I stayed in for New Year's that year
Like I had to
Yeah, just so you wouldn't be tempted. Yeah, I just had to
And the rest is history.
That was 17 fucking years ago, this November.
That's fucking crazy.
That's awesome.
Do you have anything planned for 20?
Have you thought about that?
Yeah, I'm going to go to Mexico and snort some coke.
No.
No, nothing.
It's forgotten.
It's something that happened, and I moved on from it. That was it
Like the many other things I've just looked at and said, you know what?
I'm not doing it no more and I just moved away and that's it
Sometimes better to quit when you're quitting when you're ahead and quitting is two different things, right? Oh, well, yeah
No one's gonna look down on you for quitting coke
Yeah Like I do. Oh Different things right? Oh, well, yeah, no one's gonna look down on you for quitting coke Yeah
Like I do oh
That's but like you don't really
like you talk about it, but it's not really like do you ever think about like
How crazy does like you stayed sober not crazy, but it's impressive that you stayed sober this long or anything like that
Or just you couldn't even think about doing it now
Because of the promises I made I can't go back to it, you know, I can't I know that
The first time it'd be in my possession
You know like even when I used to get it dropped off at the office for certain friends of ours. I never touched it. I
Make them put it behind
the frame. Oh, you wouldn't even physically touch the bag. Okay. Wouldn't touch it. Leave
it there. I'll pay for it. I'll pay for it. It's not for me. Yeah, it's fucking crazy, man.
That's really awesome.
Because I can imagine the like the time like when did you stop having like like urges,
like how long did it take for that to leave?
I don't know.
I don't remember.
But you know, there's something about
Closing one door and opening up another sometimes like there's just something about that and while it's happening you feel it It's like us. It's like Sheryl Crow once said
Don't quit or something till the magic happens or something like that, you know
Everybody quits before the magic happens or something like that, right?
And it was just when you're going through something like that, like we were talking about stand-up this morning you and I yeah
a situation in your life when all the stars align and there's a green light and the universe says
Joy this looks like this must be it
You know, right? I can't imagine. I mean, I wanted to I wanted to have this feeling
as an adult, you know
Making a mistake a big mistake
You know, and then I did I did when I was 24, which is all however old I was which is a college age, you know
And I look at college students
Their father's an architect
You know something always points you to do what your father did or your family members that's not the case anymore
you know two or three friends that they're about to close a business when they die because
The kids don't want
Yeah, there's that too. I didn't even think about that
that's going on right now a lot of people don't want to take on the family business, but
It's so weird when everything aligns for you and you know, you have to take this opportunity
There's an opportunity that just drops it they don't drop much
But when they do you got to take this opportunity?
Because obviously one you got nothing else going on you're a fucking bum like me these opportunities don't come out like this you know
they just don't and when i saw the opportunity to get away from that whole life like just waking up
thinking about coke i still remember remember the first month feeling really good
about focusing on stand-up.
OK.
Because let's say you have a problem in your life.
It could be anything.
It could be drugs.
It could be a woman.
It could be a man.
It could be you're stuck somewhere.
What were we talking about you
Talking about about like running with something running with something and all sudden
You could get away from that thing
Because at first that thing becomes like a part of your normal life, right?
You're like this is the way life should be. I gotta feel like this every day.
And then one day you go, no, I don't.
No, I don't need to feel like this every day.
Like, you know, I don't like her or I don't like Mike.
It could be a thousand things,
but could you imagine me signing up,
taking five years of college to become a major or something,
going to college, getting a job,
and you just don't feel it?
Oh yeah, I think that happens all the time.
All the time about college students.
I think about it with adults.
I mean, yeah, it happened.
Look at me, I'm not doing editing,
but even then, imagine spending,
like I went to art school, it was kind of expensive,
but imagine if you were like a lawyer or a doctor,
and at the end of that, you're like, oh shit, I don't like this but I'm my parents are $300,000 in the hole now.
This is what I'm saying to you, you know, but when you're doing like right now, the position you're in would stand up, you got a day job.
You do some great places with Josh, you do some mediocre places on your own.
And you're always opening mic and you're always hustling at night, right? That's the fucking plan. This is what you want to do. There's an opposite, like, you
know, I can't imagine getting up
at night to do like a fucking
paper.
Like, you know, you ever see
those business meetings on TV?
So give us the report, Joey.
The report is the annual sales
report.
When I watch those things, I
could just imagine being in
those things and like looking
out the window.
I mean, I'm not going to be
like, oh, I'm going to be like
this.
I'm going to be like, oh, I'm
going to be like this.
I'm going to be like this.
I'm going to be like this.
I'm going to be like this. I'm going to be like this. I'm going to be like this. I'm going to be like this. I'm going to be like this. Joey, the annual sales report. When I watch those things, I could just
imagine being in those things and looking out the window.
I was just looking.
And everybody's with their fucking glass waters,
making believe they enjoy this fucking dead water.
I would just jump right out of one of those windows
with that fucking suit on and those tight shoes.
And you got to be politically correct in those rooms.
Think about it.
When I started this journey, let's be honest.
My biggest mistakes in life have been
when I try to be John Delaney, Mulaney.
And that's happened in every facet of my life. I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid,
I was a little kid, I was a little kid,
I was a little kid, I was a little kid,
I was a little kid, I was a little kid,
I was a little kid, I was a little kid,
I was a little kid, I was a little kid,
I was a little kid, I was a little kid,
I was a little kid, I was a little kid,
I was a little kid, I was a little kid,
I was a little kid, I was a little kid,
I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a, what am I thinking? I'll just be a bum attorney. I represent DUIs and falls and shit, you know.
You can see me on-
You're so mean to yourself.
Like, yeah, I mean, maybe after the coke and like prison,
you couldn't be an international attorney,
but you could have, before then, no, you don't think so?
You know what those guys look like.
They speak different.
They smoke skinny cigarettes and shit.
They got like blonde wives. I'm a bum, you know, I they smoke skinny cigarettes and shit, they got like blonde wives.
I'm a bum.
I can't fucking do that shit.
But I can't imagine.
The moral of the story is going to school for five years
and not liking it.
And I was talking to you this morning from the heart.
We were really going at it about comedy.
And I thought about my apartment in Boulder.
I thought about how horrible my life was then.
To get up in an apartment, no air conditioner.
That was the rocky apartment too.
Yeah, no air conditioner,
but there was no sunlight.
The cocaine froze that apartment,
like the coke in the walls and on the carpeting and shit, you know,
but I still remember waking up there and like waking up with like
Like I wake up here in the morning I could make a protein shake I
Could wait for my wife and we can make a make that fucking portable oatmeal in the package
I don't even know why I bought this just at high protein
And I remember when I went to college that if you don't meal for breakfast
It goes a long way. So
What we talking oh, you know you I got all these options in the morning I got an apple I got water
I got a fucking liquid IV if I want it, right when I woke up in that apartment. I had a fat tire. Oh
beer Jesus beer
Had a fat tire
All beer Jesus beer if I wanted water I drank it out of a fucking faucet like I didn't have glasses in that apartment
Damn so okay, and what were you why were you thinking about his apartment?
Because I was fucking cooking with gas in that apartment in more ways than one comedy wise
Right never mind the drugs and the sex and all that stupidity,
but what was going on there comedy wise, I can never recreate that feeling again.
When you have that enthusiasm, you're broke,
you don't give a fuck, you know what I'm saying?
You're going to do a spot tonight.
That's all that matters.
Nothing else matters.
People are knocking on your door. You have the rent money's all that matters. Nothing else matters. People are knocking on your door.
You have the rent money?
Yeah, tomorrow.
Nothing else matters.
You got a spot tonight, something could happen.
You're gonna try out that new joke.
I didn't know how to put jokes together in 95.
I just learned how to put a joke together
when I got to the comedy store.
Wow.
Before that, I was just like, you know, whatever.
But, but in your, but you think you were still cooking with gas?
Like you, what do you mean by that?
Then if you weren't really, I was living my dream, no matter what I was going
through, I was living my dream and I was in full control of this bitch, drugs
included, I had made terms with myself.
I made deals with myself that I'm gonna keep doing this
as long as I get up on stage every night.
I could keep doing this.
This is my playground.
But when I got home at night,
I used to look at the clubs
and write down the clubs I would fucking wanna be at.
I still remember coming home in that apartment,
crying many a lightly.
Many a lightly.
You know, bombing and then going home
and going like what you were saying.
I don't want to make a mistake and my career's over.
Listen, my career was over every night the first 10 years,
okay?
You know, you get some bright spots here and there,
but I would go home and cry, you know
once well once the coke will wear off I would always cry but
You know, you just ate a bag of dicks. You've been doing comedy for four years. You just want to get out
You just want to be seen but you also want to get good, you know and this
There's no and I could imagine that like being a fighter and get in the call. You're gonna fight in the UFC
October 25th, it's fucking July right now
How do you act tomorrow morning? You know, how do you act?
No crazy now it's in your hands, you know, it's and that's what I'm trying to say
Cooking with gas even if I was broke at that time going through a divorce I
Was still cooking with gas. I
Look at that. I'm so fucking happy
That whatever was going on externally
It was gonna go I still had to do my shit and get out stage every night
Yeah, and you and, did it help?
When like, when you were going through shit that was hard,
did like going on stage,
when you were doing, when you do well,
what it like make like better than therapy,
better than like, how did that make you feel?
Listen, man, there's something about going for something
when you're not good at it.
Like going, you know, there's just, I don't
know. It's like becoming a carpenter the first week. You've been a helper for five years.
Now this guy goes, you're a carpenter. You're going to build that side of the house. So
you're going to put that, that wall up and you start studying shit and you start paying
attention and you know, just like what you're doing going to watch comics until you got to call the headline yourself
What a journey that was that night, you know, that's so great
And these are the things you got to write down because they're not gonna be that good every day
What do you mean write them down?
I thought like journal about that something I didn't do write those things down the night that you were gonna go see Michael yo
And you got a call to headline two hours before fucking you got in the car to go see Michael. Yo
Right just believe it or not. You were still putting an effort in that night
whether you're gonna see Michael yo with Joey Diaz or
whoever
Tim McGoo it didn't matter right? We're still gonna work on your craft that night because you're gonna be a part of it
You went there to get inspired, right? Right. Yeah, absolutely. It's a fuck
That is crazy
I need to write I I don't I don't
My I'm like even comedy or whatever life wise
My instinct is always to like focus on that, like the negative and when I don't have any, I'm like a lot of good stuff has happened.
I'm watching all these consumers.
I'm watching all these consumers.
That have no idea what they're watching, whether it's Dave Chappelle, whether it's
for a Chrysler, whether it's Joe Rogan, Tony Hinchcliffe, you know.
That's why on this podcast, I stress the journey.
Because these people are just seeing these guys.
They just pop up the way people would pop up in my life.
They pop up and it's just really weird that
This is a journey I
Don't want people to watch Dave Chappelle Joe Rogan and go you know what I'm doing that
Or just know how long it's gonna take they don't know and this journey is fucking the best one of the best journeys you'll ever take
This is like joining the fucking
army as a whatever a grunt and
saying yeah and staying in for 30 years and
shooting 80 people and
Having a house here and you know having the house there you put up with some shit those 30 years
But what a fucking journey it's been
And that's what I'm finding out that that the comedy is a fucking journey and these people who watch it
They you know, there's so many listen
Hollywood is filled with little comedy rooms now, you know
Is oh, yeah. Yeah, I've heard a couple about them. Yeah, stand-up comedy is booming
Like it never has before
People getting in it people dropping out people putting on shows. It's very impressive. It's very impressive
that I listen but
that the last 15 years of comics has
really Done more than the 100 years before that.
Before George Carlin, like George Carlin, prior Lenny Bruce, now, you know, there are so many comics.
Well, and that's all I was just thinking about because, and tell me if I'm wrong but when I was younger I remember like you saw like the people who had specials and now it seems like as a fan like we've gotten to watch because
I'm including myself as a fan we've gotten to watch like the openers because they come on the
podcast so they put out their own podcast and like now they're starting to headline and it's like it's almost like like you got to what like people actually watching the minor leagues
And it's like I I'm so thankful for a couple weeks ago. I went to play Bocce. Okay
And I played against a kid that was obviously a fan
Nice kid really sweet, you know when I played Bocce, I don't know what I'm doing
So I'm focused on this fucking game. He was talking to me and I answered what I could you know being focused on the game
we took a picture afterward we had a nice time, but
He asked me I really fuck listen. I'm an anal motherfucker. I think about shit
Ten weeks later
But he asked me
How long have I known Theo for I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I
don't know. I don't know. I
don't know. I don't know. I
don't know. I don't know. I
don't know. I don't know. I
don't know. I don't know. I
don't know. I don't know. I
don't know. I don't know. I
don't know. I don't know. I
don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I I go 97. Come on. How long do you know Joe Rogan?
97. How?
And he couldn't believe it.
I go, what did you think
happened?
That these guys, we just popped
up one day. We just started walking up
and listen, don't get me wrong.
I thought when I saw a special on HBO,
I thought it was a guy walking into
a club and just doing 45 minutes
Yeah, I remember you saying about I got my own problems. I know we I like at least from my perspective
I knew it was work
But like you hear the word industry plant the only way I really when I was growing up was Comedy Central
It was Comedy Central and that was really they didn't have evening at the improv. I don't think at least
I don't remember it. Yeah, I didn't have hbo, but they I mean some people had hbo
But what I understand is there's so much stand up on the streets right now
But no stand up on tv
And when I got into comedy in 91 guys, I know you guys like checking facts.
We're gonna wrap this up in a few minutes, but.
I still remember, I can name five comedy shows.
MTV, Kamikaze Hour, Evening at the Improv,
the one, the eight list with Rosie O'Donnell,
and then she quit and they gave it to Bobby Collins
as the host.
And there was another one that was-
V.E. Comic view.
And I'm not even counting those.
They were all over TV.
When I got into comedy, I still remember,
before I got on stage,
I still remember seeing Felicia Michaels
live from San Francisco. On Star Search, right? No
TV half-hour comedy hour. Oh, wow. Okay called it. In fact, Jimmy Florentine did it and
The guy who put him on
Their best friends now that guy ended up becoming a comic. Oh
Shit, okay on Jameson. Oh, yeah
so in of becoming a comic. Oh shit okay. I'm Jameson. Oh yeah yeah yeah. So in 90, 91, 92 I sat at home and watched and you had in living color and you had House of Buggin, you had Mad TV didn't come
on till 97. Yeah but that came on 97 if you know the first guest host was
Rose you know was a stand-up comic who Doug Stano Oh
He was on TV if you could find it. Yeah. Yeah, you could find it the first episode of mad TV
What did he?
What jokes did he do that he were TV safe?
Like that's fun.
Gotta watch it. I don't even remember.
I don't even remember. I remember that it was coming on and I had a show that night.
And I didn't have a VCR. I'm a broke comic. I live in the basement.
Eight feet from dog shit. You know.
So.
But it's pretty interesting. And I keep forgetting to mention this on this podcast that
It's a fucking journey man. It was
You know
For me it was all of the fucking 90s and all of the fucking
2000s, you know, it's crazy Lee
It's fucking crazy.
It's awesome.
But it's,
it's just boggling my mind a little bit.
I still have a lot of time.
Like a lot of time of work.
You have a lot of time.
You gotta remember, man, before anything happened,
You gotta remember man before everything anything happened I
did close to a
four-year stint with Ralphie when I was broke he was broke and
We went back we drank vodka bloody Marys
you know and looking back those are great memories of
I still remember getting the fucking turkey and
Him deep frying it and us being in his backyard at fucking six in the morning
At that time there used to be a daycare a Russian daycare
Next door behind El Campadre shit. They was like their own little private they hadn't the kids glow glow in the dark there
They had no lights and shit long fucking
And I still remember that we were still eating turkey me Ralphie J Moore
Ten of us eating fucking turkey deep-fried turkey and not one of us having a fucking bank account
Wow
like Ralphie
Josh wolf
You know ten people that now are great comics they work all the time
But I you know J Moore this before they started more sports
Wow a
Lot of people don't remember that shit, you know couldn't imagine him without a bank account that's
Raffi was still living at Schrader
Gardner whatever the fuck it was Gardner Schrader
I'm not making cocktails. I
Didn't have a my fucking thing wasn't cold enough the water. So I went upstairs. I got 20,000
Mugs, do you know that right?
I went upstairs. I got 20,000 mugs. Do you know that right?
Do you understand that I got every company name a company? I got Chinese companies that send you these fucking mugs I got mugs this I've thrown away 200 fucking mugs the last couple years. I
Got mugs everybody a car dealer fucking
My geek company any sponsors everybody sends you a mug
And I've been sitting here drinking out of these fucking plastic bottles. God knows where they've been floating
You were drinking those bottles. You're like, you know what? I know a friend used to pee in these things. Oh
Yeah, I have I have seen that I
And these things are fucking recyclable and whatnot. I didn't know you cared about the environment that much what we got this week Tarzan
Punch tonight if you're listening to this, I'm at the Union Tavern in Somerville Friday
I'm out is that one is that the ninth the night? That's Tuesday. Yep. The day comes out and then
Friday night. I'm at the City Winery in Boston
Saturday night. I'm at the Sy Winery in Boston. And then Saturday night, I'm at the Syracuse Funny Bone.
Oh shit, my old stomping grounds.
Oh yeah, I was there in New Year's Eve.
I probably still got a warrant.
You there in New Year's Eve?
I was there in New Year's Eve.
It's not some A-paloozo, correct?
No, that was Sarah Kelona.
Sarah Kelona, all right, look at you,
making fucking waves in the
comedy Midnight Underworld and shit. Oh, yeah
Tarzan
That's it. I'm really happy. I
You're really happy. We have you got an umbrella or something. I wish I have a lot of I have some cool stuff coming up
maybe next week I'll announce a show that I'm really excited about and
Yeah, it's it's it's I
about and yeah it's it's it's I appreciate like when I get to talk to you about about stuff that like it's turning into a little bit more than
just a hobby now like it was I never treated it like a hobby but like it's
it's cool to get to move up the ladder a little bit like I said in that little
apartment it got real.
And I've always told you that, yeah, I got on stage July of 91.
Come on, man.
I had no clue what was going on.
I was too busy talking to girls and going through a divorce
and I didn't know what was going on.
When I came to New York, it all focused,
like it all shut down and I was put New York. It all
focused like it all shut down
and I was put on a path and
that path lasted till about for
about 18 months and then I
actually picked it up a little
bit and then throughout the
levels, you gotta pick it up.
You gotta sharpen your things
across, you know, yeah, I
**** did it. I just still laugh my **** off. I just had fun and I'm happy that you're having fun now. All right, brother. I love you, buddy.
I love you.
Have a great week and I'll see the rest of you motherfuckers out there.
I got no dates.
I got no books.
I got nothing but a fucking fun guy toenail still.
And I still got no passport.
So if you can help me out, give me a call.
If not, I'll see you next week.
Stay Black.
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