Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - I got nothin' but a fungi toenail

Episode Date: July 9, 2024

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about his boy D' Money, Lee getting scammed on the NJ Turnpike, why Joey believes this class of comedians did more for comedy than any previous and much more! Support the show and try Blue Chew for free. Just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com and press in promo code JOEY This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/DIAZ and get on your way to being your best self.  The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

You know, sometimes you go to jujitsu and you roll with somebody who's got an old gi. Yeah Things stays in your nose the rest of the day. It's like smelling the dead fucking body. Sometimes I got that smell of gi. I went Talked to some guy. He smelled like it. I went to the fucking tire store. He smelled like it I'm like choking or something. Like how did it get that deep into your nose? Because I was choking I was close to him and I smelled it Oh now it's all over me. I took two showers and shit.

How often do you get new geese? Like, because you're- I wash, listen, I fucking wash mine. And I got anti-stuff you put on it. So first off- Like fungal? Yeah. Like when I sweat and those things, I take them off. I come home. They don't even go upstairs. I

dumped my pants the knee pads and the Gigi and the for everything downstairs and Then I take a shower and I come down and then I wash the gear and I put softener a little bit of bleach fucking washing whatever you throw in there to wash it with the pellet. And then I put another compartment for an anti-like fucking deodorant that you put on your gi and it's fucking brand new. Have you ever rolled with somebody

who like clearly has like a stink, like they didn't wash it or maybe they did a class before your class? Like, what does that look like? That's why I stay away from all early classes like if you have a if you join a Any group class and I go well you got to be at eight well Get ready to smell bad breath and fucking you know cuz people go in there right off the bed. They don't brush their teeth So you're trying to choke them and they're breathing on you shit

So any exercise program you consider if it's a seven six eight a.m. Bring fucking Listerine to put in your nose. Because some people fucking like just wake up in the mornings and go straight there. You know, when you sweat, let's say you go play basketball, right at 730 at night, right? Get home late. You take a shower. You ever notice sometimes when you wake up or a couple hours later, something's not right. Like your body smells because your body releases shit after you take that shower.

It's like, I'll take a shower sometimes at eight, I'll take a shower at one and at four, I gotta take a shower. Like, I'm like, why am I greasy? It's that after fucking sweat that comes on your system. And it never, it always, always I always I thought I was crazy Cuz you ever like, you know Like you're trying to like make you getting ready for a show or something

I've got my balls thing and then you take a shower and then he still smell and I thought I was crazy Oh, I have like the uncleanable asshole. I should watch it Lemon it fucking and then I stick a finger and it still smells like fucking new it fucking and then I stick a finger in it it still smells like fucking nuk sounds like a like a comic book like villain the uncleanable asshole oh no it's like the unwashed everybody's assholes unwashed you could wash it scrub it you sniff it it's still got that afterburner smell to it like you're like what I do I'm trying to that's why I had the loofah to clean the edges to you know although like when you fart yeah let's do that goes to the end this shit I forgot you had an ass loofah didn clean the edges to, you know, all the like when you fart, you have that residue that goes to the end and shit.

I forgot you had an ass loofah. And didn't you have something else? You're like, you're like a loofah. And then you also had something on a stick. Yeah. But my fucking everything I do, everything I do. Listen, man, I hate that feeling of taking a shower at seven and then taking a shower at like one and then having to go do something at six and going, I'm going to jump in the shower and the water hits you it slides off. It's like I'm greasy as fuck My face is greasy my whoa. Whoa. I just took a shower five hours ago So yeah, I get greasy. I don't know why I get like oily my skin the water beads on it Like I fucking got carnauba wax on it or some shit.

I was gonna say, you sound like an animal, like don't ducks have like grease gland or something? I've never heard of being greasy like that. Listen, I'm not a greasy person, like the Q-dance. I never would have thought you're always clean. You take three showers, is that why you take three showers a day? No, I take two showers.

Listen, I like to shower. Like you know what I like about going on the road? What's that? The best thing ever was going in the shower that has nothing to do with you. Because you go, fuck. You go in there, turn that hot water on, and you don't get out till the fucking icicles are coming out.

Till they're banging downstairs. There's no hot water. I love hotels like Vegas, anything like that, because they give you a big shower, and you could sit in there. I'll get fucking stoned and go in there. And I'll tell you the best joke writing I'll do is in the shower.

I'll giggle in the shower because I'm rested. I wish, remember we had this conversation where somebody sent me about six years ago, somebody from the church actually sent me about six years ago, somebody from the church actually sent me papers and a pen that you could write with in the shower. So if you remember that. You remember that? I love the shower.

That's where all the, you know, you wake up in the morning, you drink a cup of coffee, you fucking meditate, you write a little bit. You go on the computer, you know fucking Biden's got the age of a 22 year old, you know, you see all this bullshit up at 8 in the morning And as you're going to the shower, you kind of like drag it with you not stupid. Just like what's going on today? I gotta go here. I gotta go there once you hit the shower. Everything goes away Once I close that door in the shower, let me tell you something everything goes away I Start the God don't give me another day. I'm appreciative for this

You know, I'm appreciative for the shower. How many fucking people get to take a shower in the morning Over the whole world not many when you think about it They ain't taking no showers on our minds. They got no hot showers there Yeah, we're not they got no hot showers in a lot of fucking places So you got to be grateful for that fucking shower like I'm like Jesus Christ. How great am I? I'm washing my pussy, you know distinct from the sleep apnea mask, whatever the fuck I got on me in the morning, you know And you slow your day down, which is what you always want to do. You want to slow you you control the pace of your day You ever leave your house. You're in a rush and you fucking don't have your keys

Because you didn't control your day Right stop and take a minute. I'm gonna be five minutes late Who gives a fuck? Call him. Right. Call like set up your day. But to walk out like discombobulated. That's the beginning of your day. If the beginning of your day sucks, how's the rest of the day gonna be? Yeah, I've never thought about that. You leave the house all discombobulated, right? You're on the turnpike. You know, if you go on the Jersey turnpike,

I don't have to tell you the park where you're gonna hit a nail Like you did right like you did an Amish nail. God damn it. I Was telling my buddy today he had a fucking male while we're on the phone dude and on the turnpike yeah I think something sprinkles fucking nails on that I was just gonna say that because I don't know if you knew this But like if you get a flat if you have anything happen to your car on the turnpike You can't call

Anyone to help you you have to call the state and the state sends someone out I have like a a wheel and tire protection thing that I never would have got, but it covers it. Thank God. From I got a Hyundai. Hyundai covers it. They come, they change a tire. They bring everything and they called me and they were like, we can't come out there. You need to call like the new jersey state dispatch And they sent and the guy I forgot about this the driver tried to try to screw me on the price The oh, yeah, where is he jack you got it? The dispatcher told me it was gonna be like 85 and then when he's like, all right

So I called and he said, it'll be 85. In like 20 minutes, the driver called me. He's like, so it'll be like 100 bucks. And I was like, hold on. The guy said it's 85. And when the guy got there, he's like, well, I was factoring in tax. I was like, you were trying to get 15 bucks for yourself. No, this is New Jersey.

It never ends. It never fucking ends. That's why I avoid the turnpike. I fucking. You know, it's so weird how you, for years, I started my day wrong. And I used to fucking be mad. Like, why do I leave the house angry in the morning?

You haven't even gone into the day yet. You leave the house angry, you are gonna stab somebody by 4.30, you know, to try and stop or... And then I, you know, I don't know, it just, for a while, like, I was in, not prison, but what's that shit like when I worked in snowman or even in prison? You see people in the morning how they rush Oh, yeah, you know when you have a family like a family of six and you got one bathroom

You know, I seen those families go at it because you got to get in there, you know By the time you leave you're fucking wiped out. You've been arguing with your family all morning. You've been pushing all the fuckers and taking a shower with cold water and your socks are missing. So by the time you get out there, you're a fucking animal. Oh yeah. And I think even more like for people

who are like single or younger people, like they set their alarm usually until like the very last second Like when I was working in LA and I had to drive down to the West LA every morning I would set it until like The last second I had of sleep. I wouldn't eat breakfast. I would jump in the shower and leave Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah That's when you're stupid. You said it to fucking you got to be at work at nine. It takes 20 minutes. You get up at eight 30 like

you fucking own the place. Right. A monkey spit on your hair and you shoot the work. I get it. I was there, you know, and as you get older, like it's so funny how you work for work first. Then you start working for a career. And you tighten up your shit, you try to get professional, you try to get on time, you know. It's such a fucking hard life, like how you evolve, you know, how you started like I don't give a fuck when I get there. Fuck that dude, you know.

Right. I get to 11, I don't give a fuck. I already got my hours for the, you know. Right. I get to 11, I don't give a fuck. I already got my hours for the week. I'm going down to shore on Friday, you know. They're lucky I'm coming. Yeah, they're lucky I'm coming. But then as you get older, you get more responsible and you start waking up a little earlier.

Hey listen man, till I met you, nah, little before I met you, I left the house. Like I had an eight o'clock flight in LAX. Eight o'clock flight. It takes off at eight. And I would leave the house at seven with a straight face. Did you ever even make it? No. Okay. I was going to say, did you make it once? You gotta get on the phone and call the comedy club

and tell them you're not coming in at one and you're coming in at 11. I would do that every fucking time, every time. Then 9-11 came and they started getting tighter and tighter and tighter. I said, you know what? My flight's at three or something. I'm gonna leave here at one.

And it was greatly It was one of the best things I ever did I got there early. I didn't have to look at the clock Security you go over there's a restaurant. You know you go over you bring a vape a pen with you a Computer you got your phone you got a book You're prepared now. You don't fly like an animal. In comparison to running through the fucking airport, bumping into people, getting on the plane, there's no overhead compartment

because you were one of the last ones. Now you gotta take a middle seat next to a blind guy with a dog. It never fucking ends. It never fucking ends, man. So at one point you go, how do I do this? Right? Okay I gotta get listen. I was watching the news the other night, you know get to the airport three hours before go fuck yourself Yeah, no an hour before you're good. You check luggage you stop you get something to eat. You got a newspaper

Your joints still in you, you know that THC still burning So you're good before you got on a plane and take the edible you didn't take no edibles tonight Did you say did what I don't see I did to take out but you the one thing I will say is you do need TSA pre-check because some of those airports an hour isn't enough time. Oh, it's a fucking nightmare even clear But you got what this is telling me now Is that something else is coming Like a bad like an attack or something. No attack. This is gonna be now clear is always packed. Oh, yeah Yeah, we check is always packed. So now any day they're gonna have

luxury VIP I think they already have that don't they have that we're like you can go to like a special Area only one of like the air ones will even send a guy to your house I've seen videos on like the man was no like I one of the guy like a Dubai Airlines or something Let's send a dude to your house with like a laptop and a printer and they'll take your bags They'll give you the boarding pass. So you don't even have to go you just walk straight to TSA and You probably don't have to do that. I flew a couple of times this year and I got to tell you, fuck you.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure. It's okay. Like somebody told me they would delay five hours the other day and it takes the fucking takes the energy out of my lungs when somebody fucking delayed for five minutes. Oh, it bothers me to know and like What do you do? I've been there when you're fucking delayed six seven hours and you're like you're making calls You're trying to pull favors get a helicopter. I remember one time me and Steve Simone Got delayed there were thunderstorms in Atlanta and the computer service went down. I remember that. And fucking Live Nation was like, listen, man, how about you take a helicopter from New Orleans to whatever it's going to cost you like $2,200,

but at least you'll make the gig. And I go, listen, I ain't taking no fucking helicopter. It's over. I'm going home. I'm going home. I've been in an airport for fucking nine hours. You want me to take a helicopter to do a gig? I smell like a goat. The plane was at eight in the morning. Now it was six o'clock at night.

And this guy's like, you're going to make it. You're going to be here. I don't want to be at eight o'clock. I've been in an airport since six in the fucking morning. I'm telling you welcome Just knowing you is there ever a situation where you'd get in a helicopter If it was the end of the world and I have somebody else's credit card you bet your ass in the credit card Well, yeah, well if it's the end of the world, you'll do a lot of things, but I can't imagine

You renting a helicopter to go to a gig. I Mean if you're getting 22 million dollars for the fucking gig, you know, like Dion Sanders in between games You know, he runs it Yankees and scores a home run. He's making a couple mil for the day Fuck I'll take a helicopter and put three of my friends behind me in helicopters You know I'm saying and what was the helicopter ten hours ago, huh? Like you might have done a helicopter ten hours ago When that day right like if you if you have been Let's get something straight. I know so giant no marine. I don't ever want to be on a fucking

You said you kept fighting me on it. I just said you said fucking would listen we talk about helicopters I don't want to be on a helicopter But if I had to you know, it was the end of the world. I'd have to take a helicopter My first choice enters to get up in the morning and be like James fucking bond and go off What I call my helicopter? Yeah, that's what I see Let's get this fucking thing started. Will you? What's happening you savages? It's Tuesday the 9th of July

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You can take them anytime day or night you get up in the morning You you want to salute the flag boom you drop a blue chew and you're ready to go Sorry about that one discover your options At blue chew calm now. It's Tuesday. I got a special deal for the check-in listeners Try blue chew for free when you're pressing code Joey joey why at checkout that that these just pay five hours for shipping for five hours for shipping Bluetooth gonna send you a little promo pack and you're gonna see how nice it is to live like a doctor That's blue chewed calm

Promo code Joey to receive your first month free visit blue chew calm for more details and important safety information You don't eat like 15 of them and your eye pops out You don't need that and I want to thank blue chew for sponsoring the podcast. So without further ado Let's get the check-in started turn off your TVs run for your lives. It's over They didn't put you on this planet just to give up I thought what Joey could do it. I can rule the world. That's what you got to be thinking Oh Oh Shit it's a beautiful fucking week With more heat more heat and more heat. You know I'm saying I'm happy to see you buddy. How you doing?

You know me dog tip top Magoo always tip throwing through the tulips as they say. Oh, yeah. How is your fourth? You know You've been to one fourth. You've been to a mall I'm just throwing through the tulips as they say. Oh yeah. How was your fourth? You know, you've been to one fourth. You've been to them all. Did you watch it and you just sit there and wait for George Washington to show up. He never shows and

that's it. I had a quiet fourth league. Yeah. You know, I gotta start considering my future because I had all these plans for fucking 4th of July. I swear to God, I had 92 plans and that night I ended up getting up like at 4.30. I just got up in the middle of the night. I couldn't sleep. No anger, no anxiety. Just got up.

Came down, watched some TV, smoked a few fucking bonheads. I was fizzled. I fucking had some oatmeal and made that portable oatmeal, you know that high protein tastes like ass Mike Terrible oatmeal this shit out of a package. I'll never do it again. I Thought it was supposed to be healthy. I was twitching for like fucking two days. I put an oatmeal so The bed and I got up fucking 1130 and I was like damn that big, it was

the Yankee game. Right. I took a shower and I went outside and I'm like you know what, fuck that Yankee game. It was hot on the fourth and it was hot here. I went to my neighbor's house who are great people, had a great time with the Pumas and it got to the point where it was so hot, it was uncomfortable to eat. Like you're outside constantly. I had to go in and get a little play with the dog

and get cold and I come out again and see them and I go in. I finally just came home and fucking stayed here. I don't blame you. It's too hot. I was talking to somebody who in New York, who grew up in a house for 30 years with no AC. How do you live in a house? Can you imagine that?

Like that's what I, that's like a torture chamber for me. Well, man, you know, one of my vivid, vivid memories as a child, like I still think about this when I go to bed at night, I think about this was when I go to bed at night, I think about this, was when I used to stay at 148th Street at my godmother's house, and at night I would call for the Cedeno's, like they would go, if you get out of the house at eight, I was like six, seven, you know, and they lived across the street, it was right across the street, I didn't have to, and you just had to, and they lived on the fourth floor of a five-story building on 148th and Broadway Across the street from my godmothers, but I still remember going up there

They had like nine kids and they were all sleeping on the floor With white sheets and it probably be four blankets four fans Falling like, you know medium fans like jungle fans from Kmart I remember going back to my house my apartment my godmothers and she had air-conditioning Don't then go on a 205 West 88 Street. My mother didn't move without air-conditioning I remember going back to my house I remember going back to my house my apartment my godmothers and she had air-conditioning Don't then go on a 205 West 88 Street. My mother didn't move without air-conditioning I remember going back to my house my apartment my godothers, and she had air conditioning. Then going to 205 West 88th Street, my mother didn't move without air conditioning.

So I got to learn that. I got to see these people. But then there was a lot of times when I lived in North Bergen, I didn't have air. You know, and you live underneath, like you live like in a basement apartment. That's great. It stays a little cool. But you get a fan at night at night. You're up on this a week in when I was growing up there was always a week in July or August that you just didn't sleep. It was too hot to sleep. Oh, I've had AC break and I get it if you're broke because trust me there's people AC is expensive. I just got one but But this girl, the thing that got me about it, her family has a house with a pool.

They just didn't want, their parents didn't want AC. Can you imagine actively not choosing? I've been to a lot of homes where people would say to you, we don't need AC. We just open up the windows in the summertime and it's cool. And you're there at eight o'clock and you're like, fuck you. This is not comfortable at all in July

You know, but there's people who enjoy that I Grew up with you know air conditioners in the window You know, yeah me too and la you don't even have heat in your apartment. There's those two months in November December you freeze There's no fucking heat. Nobody ever talks about there's no heat in LA No, no other apartments have a heater. They got one of those little heaters from 1940 on the wall Yeah, you are lighting that motherfucker. Yeah goes on fire. There's dead rats in there and mice For everyone who doesn't know it blew my mind when I got to LA fucking mind, there's no heat and LA guys on Move to LA in the winter like November December you freeze at a fucking old-school apartment, Hollywood Studio City You fucking freeze man. They haven't updated anything since I think you're right like the 40s or 50s and it's just like this it's like a

basically like a metal toaster on the side of your wall with that and a house that probably has a metal toaster on the side of your wall with that in a house that probably has this in it and there's a little flame it's like a wall furnace it's not even electric there's a little gas flame and I'm a kid from the suburbs of Boston and I had to light this thing and it wasn't like you could set it to a temperature it's not like oh I would like it 73 in here it's either off or a thousand and only in one spot like it was like that was crazy Also, my best friends still I just spoke to a Sunday Saturday. I was at a barbecue She called me to ask me a question. She still lives on Gardner. No Gardner

Schrader and how well okay? Yeah That fucking building hasn't had asses 1928 and she leaves the window she lives upstairs she leaves the windows open you know she puts the fan on she finally broke down and bought something for the apartment but she's got no fucking heat and she definitely on the air conditioning all those places were built in the 40s guys That's a lot of people on the stand like the 40s and 30s Burbank. You got no Do you remember when we started the podcast the apartment I lived at cumston? Yeah, of course we had Mercy's office. Okay

That one had a thing In the hallway and at a window unit. No, it had one on the wall. Oh, the heater. Okay, got it. I'll never forget going under there with a fucking lighter with the thing. Dog, I almost blew up the fucking house. I saw that gas go, I was like, enough.

It looks like you're putting on a robe, Terry Clark. Isn't that the scariest thing in your life? And then when we lived in Hollywood, that building is even older. Wow. I still remember leaving Hollywood and going to that neighborhood with my wife and looking at the building

and that building is about to tip over next to the gay and lesbian center on fucking garden of that. Doesn't one of the guys from the, I don't wanna say his name and Sally, where were it? Yeah, that's crazy. Okay. I paid 700 he's paying 2100 who's a smart one problem? Why Brian? It's still rent control, but in that but yeah So anyways about that apartment. Yeah, you can't when it was an earthquake you hear the bricks grinding like it was

fucking scary So we're there and we're dying of, it's November, we're fucking dying one night. And we actually went. We're like, what the fuck is this compartment there? Terry had lived there for four years, and this thing stuck out the floor. So we ripped the carpet, and I went in there and ripped it.

Oh my god, it was like a heater that you had to fucking play the organ. You had to have like a little organ grinder This is not this bill who knows how old this fucking building was it was ratted out when I took the thing There was a dead rat in there like the the skeleton came up with the fucking heater We had carried downstairs me and Terry we had to fill in the fucking hole in the ground It's it's it's really insane when you move to Hollywood and you move into some of those apartments and go Okay, I'm in Hollywood

We bright I would have loved to a have known how old that rad skeleton was cuz that wasn't like a new rat No, no There was no hair on it. It was just a fucking skeleton. I'll never forget. There was a comic I was friends with in Seattle. Good dude. I ain't going to drop his name and shit because he might get his feelings hurt. Okay. When I first got to LA, I was having problems with this girl. And I'm like, I got to get my own apartment. Well, you know, you put the word on the street and people reached out

like, I got a great apartment. And I went out to his apartment. His apartment was, like, fucking all the way out there. And Hollywood, like, where the Western, he lived in those neighborhoods down there. Right? OK. You know, I'm desperate.

I got, like, keys. Like, Listen, you can move with $200. I never forget walking up the stairs and smelling fucking foods from other countries and shit. It's hot. Now you're walking in the building and you smell like every level. I had Russian, Salvadorian, Hindu. As I got to the fourth floor, the Bruce Lee floor I was like this ain't gonna fucking happen. Oh, I'm taking my 200 bucks and go my brother I'll take and I started living in the hotel. That's better to this. No, that hotel was not better at that time.

Oh, maybe not. But I this was 98. And that time. Oh, maybe not. But I. This was 98. And here's what's crazy. OK. Four years later, I ended up moving there. To that building? Right from that hotel. Yeah, with Terry.

That's what we have in the apartment. OK, but not the building with the floors and. I think it's going to move back in the building. That was the building we lived in. Oh, wow. OK. Across the street from that was the building we lived in. Oh wow, okay cross the street from that was a What happens when people come from other countries like students and they travel it was a hostile and they did comedy there remember Yeah, they do cover hearing about it. I don't think they had Wednesday nights and all that shit

But before that was a hostile that was was a weekly hotel. You were allowed to stay for 19 nights in a row. And then you had to move to the other hotel and then come back 19 days later. I just went on the road and then would come back and stay there. The other hotel was far. I didn't like it. It was dark and shit a lot of creepy people was up by On the way to the 101 on Coenca. I don't want to stay up there by Coenca Right this was in Hollywood right off Sunset Strip. I Don't know what it was a week. I just said fuck it. I broke down, you know The back rooms at the end of the hall everybody got fungus on their feet you know people drinking people doing drugs people

are yelling that i used to just go home at night close the door and fucking write jokes and finish my coke i had to put like double locks on the door like you have to lock the door and then put like a chair against it and you would stay there for 1990 i can't like the fact that you were scared because like i don't know you were tough guy I like me. I could see myself putting up we're yelling all night. It was like being in prison. You hear people yell You know, what is somebody got to knock out my door with a knife That's I wasn't scared like the cry it was a Hollywood it was you know before you moved to Hollywood way It was a Hollywood it was you know before you moved to Hollywood what?

2011 all right when I moved to Hollywood in 97 if you walked on Hollywood Boulevard It was a fucking dump. Oh, I'm sure I never even lived in Hollywood I lived in the valley only cuz yeah, it's a fucking dump I'll never forget like having a few dolls in my pocket and staying at that creepy hotel, waking up on a Monday morning all over to the gills. I always lived at the store the night before. I still got coke in my nose. I'm fucking walking on Hollywood Boulevard.

And what I would see on Hollywood Boulevard would go, how do people come here? Right. I'm not fucking coming here. These people need fucking help. Why would you pay to come to put flowers on? It was people were pissing on them and shit at that time. I'm not kidding you.

What the fucking thing that took the cake was, on the corner there. When I first moved to LA, there was like a diner type thing, but it was all people who was, again, it was real tratties, the ones that put the wig on and they fucking put heels on, but they're really men. This is 97, nobody was doing operations and shit like that no and

we're not gonna call it the other thing because it wasn't you know this was crack hole central Thursday nights it did comedy and singing and poetry and one of my friends from acting class was doing a set and she begged me please please please it's like a seven o'clock set oh my god what I saw in there it was nuts guys were wigs people fucking naked it was insane but they served food there it was like a fucking I thought you were gonna say you were following your dreams of comedy. What are you talking about food? Crazy.

So I wake up hungover and there's nowhere else to eat on Hollywood Boulevard. And I walk into that fucking place at seven in the morning, nine in the morning to eat. How hungry were you? Why didn't you just go get a bag of chips? Listen, because I wanted some eggs. I needed some healthy food.

I had drugs in my system. What do you think? I had problems. When you have problems, you need grease. Chips ain't going to help. So I walked into this place, and I got like two eggs, the whole fucking schmear, bacon. Dog, when they brought the bacon back,

they brought it on one dish to be nice. They put three slices on one dish Right a better grease remember when my cousin Vinny when they came to grits Fucking they smell terrible eggs I remember paying like the ten bucks twelve bucks getting up and telling that tranny chef to go fuck himself Oh, even the chef wasn't training not a tranny like today but you know the wig right fucking heels and the app adam's apple and they'd sing songs shit i'm surprised they didn't even open what's that i'm surprised why are they

open at seven in the morning for brackfield like what is the who's even in there like were they surprised you came in? How other people now what were they eating? Dick I don't fucking They would just you know, how do you have any balls to say anything about the food? I ever ate What do you well, it's not like I sat there and ate and then went back two days later you filthy fucking animal Well, it's not like I sat there and ate and then went back two days later you I looked at that bacon. It smelled like fucking dog. It was like the Mike Vic Lux special some shit. I Was like I ain't eating this anyway. I want to talk to you guys about better help. I'll be right back

Hey, I took a little break from the episode with cracking jokes and whatnot. I want to talk to you about better help It's easy to feel jealous of other people's lives, especially when they're showing off new houses flashy cars Boats going to trips. Listen, don't worry about that stuff Therapy I hope you focus on what you want out of your life instead of what everybody else is doing Better help is amazing. They're 100% online therapy So you could schedule sessions whenever works for you. It's easy to fit into your daily life Also, you could talk to a therapist by phone message or video call whatever you feel most comfortable with listen I had some issues. I spoke to better help Listen, I had some issues. I spoke to BetterHelp. Six, seven months later, they gave me some exercises to learn how to cope.

And here I am, tip-top Magoo. And it's easy. You fill out a quick questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you'll be on your way to a happier life. You'll hear birds, pigeons, and blue skies. Stop comparing yourself and start focusing on you with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. I want you to enter that code D-I-A-Z and I'm going to get you 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp.com slash Dia Diaz. Hey this episode is brought to you by better help Try them out. Try them out. If you're stuck, you know what? You never know what better help could do for you

They helped me and I know they can help you so now back to the show We're back We're back Jack. Just remember see once I spoke once I went to that diner I always remembered that diner and when I signed up with better help three years ago, I brought that diner up So that's why once I spoke about that diner in LA. I had to bring up What did you tell what why did you I mean? I don't want to cross any boundaries But why were you talking about a diner in therapy? Because it still drove me crazy that maybe you know three slices of bacon on a dish of greasely.

You know, if they would have put paper on it, like it would have looked a little better. I mean, it was just, and I'm not kidding you, I'm not kidding you, I'm not trying to be funny. It was unedible. Hollywood Boulevard was not good, Lee 97 then they rebuilt they started and by 2003 it was fucking I remember that I had a club right down the block from my house walking That's what they did the longest yard party When I got the invite to that I'm like no, I don't have that table like we'll send the car for you what for 40 yards That's crazy. Yeah, I still have a take in the car now was up the corner and then The reason we moved because we were surrounded with clubs

Ella Hollywood had become something completely fucking different Completely different than when we got there. It was a dump when I got there by 2005 6 7 at least it looked okay compared to the people used to see walking around there at night There were groovy fucking ghoulies man. It was not good. I'm telling you It was nothing good man. I think those were the people that got pushed up to the valley or something. Is that what they did? No, those people just got killed those groovy ghoulies somebody just bust them to fucking Vegas To a fucking molly party where everybody dies I don't fucking know it was it was not good and then but then all that got cleaned up and then the homeless came

And we'll get they weren't even homeless. No not like what they were when we left. No Okay, but what were the the creepy ghoulies? Just people who hung out on Hollywood Boulevard, man. Oh, shit. I thought they were moody people. When I first moved to LA, I lived in, me and dad have got an apartment. We lived in Hollywood by La Brea.

La Brea and Hollywood those apartment buildings there There's like three or four of them as you're going up towards the Comedy Store We live there so we would walk to Hollywood at night and there was at that time There was like a an ice cream shop in the corner. It was still kind of nice, you know But when you got into the middle McDonald's The fucking anti wax museum who goes to a wax museum unless you're fucking creeped out You ever go down there like the Chinese people taking picture of a wax you taking picture with Charles Manson He's in wax. What is that? Madame Tussauds or something? Yeah, Madame Tussauds all those creepy people who's gonna hang out

Well, they sit there next to the way then you had the superheroes down there the spider-mans and they were beating each other up They were all on meth. You never seen a documentary about that shit I've seen that and then my favorite is a picture of a like a he looked like any probably a very nice gentleman But he was like 45 like and I'm like a Mexican dude and he was wearing like a Minnie Mouse costume And he was just my this might have been in New York But he was wearing a Minnie Mouse had the head off smoking a cigarette and it was fucking Minnie plus But he's like a 45 year old Mexican dude and a bunch of kids were seeing him and they started crying Oh, that's what happened

He some fucking kid in LA was smoking in like a Batman suit with some shit some guy was shooting heroin or playing the piano some kids started crying and Listen that document I had I've seen it was It was called the Superman of Hollywood or something. Yeah, yeah, it was something crazy. That's the crazy part about LA, is the dude dressing up to take pictures on a Hollywood Boulevard for tips, in his mind is a star.

Like a superstar. Well, let's get back to basics here, okay? Just to, I don't know if you remember this. I used to buy Coke from the Martell Cartel, right? And I loved it. Now, when I started hanging out with the Martell Cartel, it was a white dude and two black dudes. OK.

Then they got robbed at gunpoint right on Martell. And that's how I became friends with them. I go, what kind of drug dealers don't have a gun Well, we never thought of it you never thought of it Gun hidden over Ralphie lived and I brought it to my go to yours I don't want no money for just give me like a gram of coke. They're like, is it clean? Who cares? You know, just hide it. I don't know if somebody got shot with it. Don't worry where I got it from So just hide it is it what they're like? It sounds like they were like very nerdy were they nerds?

No, no, no, no, these guys were from Oakland two of them were from Oakland But they didn't know that they were gonna get robbed with guns. I asked you don't have a gun Then they they bought out the white dude or they beat him up. I don't know what happened I'm right bottom out and Then the big black dude left. he hooked up with a chicken left. So my buddy my dear friend D money Stayed and ran it but at the same time he lost a roommate So he brought a chicken there that lived upstairs he lived downstairs in the bedroom and I told you about this What do you put?

Because I have a question but go ahead Good hit me with the question. Why is a drug dealer need a roommate? They live in it on Martel they had that expensive side up the corner by the Jewish school Remember the school with the security and shit. They were up there So is a nice play he needed a roommate you know just somebody to watch somebody he knew so he moved like his aunt down his aunt lived upstairs but then his cousin moved to lived in hollywood the cousin would break his balls but his cousin was either one of those dudes spider-man on hollywood boulevard and his name was

who dat that's what we call them who dat little black dude not all that on the spectrum you know I was like, I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that.

I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that.

I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. I'm going to be able to do that. blow coke to get coke and he would always be there but they didn't have a room for him. So they rented him the closet under the stairs Remember I told you about this he lived in that little closet. Yeah, like a little light Yeah, like a little refrigerator by the way, the door open the bow was beautiful in there

I would have rented it for 200 at that time and a shower. It was beautiful. They had a shower under the closet No, he had a shower in the kitchen like. Oh, okay. But he lived in the he was a man in the closet. You know what I'm saying? So, I never heard of that. I don't I got you might have talked about it.

I don't remember the man in the closet. Yeah. D money is Don Sleazy. That's his other street name. Don Sleazy, D Money. So, D Money rented it to him and I would go there at night, who dat, what's up? And there were nights that him and who dat would gamble and they would play, you know, those fucking basketball games and NFL with whatever and they would lose and I'd get there and he'd go, who dat, you owe me 10 bucks. And who dat would go, I don't have it,

we'll get in the closet until you get like mush from fucking Bronxdale. He used to send them to the closet and who dat would go, I don't give a fuck, man. in the closet until you get like mush from fucking Bronxdale. He used to send them to the closet and who that would go. I don't give a fuck, man. That's my little condo in the alley. I like this. He's like Harry Potter of the drug dealer world. What are you? I've never heard of this thing.

And he's, I don't want to put it out there but like did he did he retire or is it still going on well I don't know where who that is in this spider-man Hall of Fame my buddy is still in LA he slings part time he drives an uber he's mature now He's got a little clientele He's always made great money, you know, good guy. I miss him a lot You know after I stopped doing blow I was still great friends with him because I loved him and he loved me I that dude still calls me Checks in I still call him a professional. He asked about my wife He asked about my daughter. Yeah, we just became friends after that

And I'm sure now he doesn't but like he did he ever try to get you to go back Not what? That's really cool. Okay Because I'll never forget like I quit and I stayed away from him for like two weeks and I remember I did something with Rogan and I got paid cash and I owed him like I don't know 250 something like that and I remember I put he liked hats at that time somebody was sending me a lot of those you know hats that you not the Kangols but the

other ones like the ones that people smoke with the look cool, right? He liked us and there was a company that was sending them to me. So I put three hats I put the cash in there I'll never forget. I just stung swung by his house after Vegas and Knocked him as doing he goes where you been man? What's going on and nobody's heard from me like I stopped snorting because I had to disappear from the store, too The crew the week I quit coke was the week Marilyn Martinez died So I was clean like four days when I got back from Jersey. I didn't get high in Jersey. That's crazy. I Got the call when I was in Jersey at Marilyn died I flew back to LA and then a couple days later it was awake when I was headed to Marilyn's I

Stopped and bought a gram of coke really I was awake when I was headed to Maryland's I stopped and bought a grandma coke Really? But I got into an argument at Maryland's with a producer and when I left I was so mad I gave the grandma coke away that saved my life and that was the last time I walked in the store After that night, right? I forgot about that and that was right around that time. That was 2007 about that and that was right around that time. That was 2007. So I disappeared when I quit. I just disappeared. Only nobody knew that I had quit. And were you in the valley at this point? No. Okay. I was still in Hollywood and I remember I did New Year's with Joe. OK.

And then the first week of January, we always did COBS. OK. Fear Factor, I think. When he was on Fear Factor, we'd always do COBS the first week of January. Right. And I remember this year. And by that point, I had been clean three and a half weeks the whole month of December and two weeks in January I was like

When is this gonna end because I made it through Christmas. I made it through New Year's I think I stayed in for New Year's that year Like I had to Yeah, just so you wouldn't be tempted. Yeah, I just had to And the rest is history. That was 17 fucking years ago, this November. That's fucking crazy. That's awesome.

Do you have anything planned for 20? Have you thought about that? Yeah, I'm going to go to Mexico and snort some coke. No. No, nothing. It's forgotten. It's something that happened, and I moved on from it. That was it Like the many other things I've just looked at and said, you know what?

I'm not doing it no more and I just moved away and that's it Sometimes better to quit when you're quitting when you're ahead and quitting is two different things, right? Oh, well, yeah No one's gonna look down on you for quitting coke Yeah Like I do. Oh Different things right? Oh, well, yeah, no one's gonna look down on you for quitting coke Yeah Like I do oh That's but like you don't really like you talk about it, but it's not really like do you ever think about like How crazy does like you stayed sober not crazy, but it's impressive that you stayed sober this long or anything like that

Or just you couldn't even think about doing it now Because of the promises I made I can't go back to it, you know, I can't I know that The first time it'd be in my possession You know like even when I used to get it dropped off at the office for certain friends of ours. I never touched it. I Make them put it behind the frame. Oh, you wouldn't even physically touch the bag. Okay. Wouldn't touch it. Leave it there. I'll pay for it. I'll pay for it. It's not for me. Yeah, it's fucking crazy, man. That's really awesome.

Because I can imagine the like the time like when did you stop having like like urges, like how long did it take for that to leave? I don't know. I don't remember. But you know, there's something about Closing one door and opening up another sometimes like there's just something about that and while it's happening you feel it It's like us. It's like Sheryl Crow once said Don't quit or something till the magic happens or something like that, you know Everybody quits before the magic happens or something like that, right?

And it was just when you're going through something like that, like we were talking about stand-up this morning you and I yeah a situation in your life when all the stars align and there's a green light and the universe says Joy this looks like this must be it You know, right? I can't imagine. I mean, I wanted to I wanted to have this feeling as an adult, you know Making a mistake a big mistake You know, and then I did I did when I was 24, which is all however old I was which is a college age, you know And I look at college students

Their father's an architect You know something always points you to do what your father did or your family members that's not the case anymore you know two or three friends that they're about to close a business when they die because The kids don't want Yeah, there's that too. I didn't even think about that that's going on right now a lot of people don't want to take on the family business, but It's so weird when everything aligns for you and you know, you have to take this opportunity There's an opportunity that just drops it they don't drop much

But when they do you got to take this opportunity? Because obviously one you got nothing else going on you're a fucking bum like me these opportunities don't come out like this you know they just don't and when i saw the opportunity to get away from that whole life like just waking up thinking about coke i still remember remember the first month feeling really good about focusing on stand-up. OK. Because let's say you have a problem in your life. It could be anything.

It could be drugs. It could be a woman. It could be a man. It could be you're stuck somewhere. What were we talking about you Talking about about like running with something running with something and all sudden You could get away from that thing Because at first that thing becomes like a part of your normal life, right?

You're like this is the way life should be. I gotta feel like this every day. And then one day you go, no, I don't. No, I don't need to feel like this every day. Like, you know, I don't like her or I don't like Mike. It could be a thousand things, but could you imagine me signing up, taking five years of college to become a major or something, going to college, getting a job,

and you just don't feel it? Oh yeah, I think that happens all the time. All the time about college students. I think about it with adults. I mean, yeah, it happened. Look at me, I'm not doing editing, but even then, imagine spending, like I went to art school, it was kind of expensive,

but imagine if you were like a lawyer or a doctor, and at the end of that, you're like, oh shit, I don't like this but I'm my parents are $300,000 in the hole now. This is what I'm saying to you, you know, but when you're doing like right now, the position you're in would stand up, you got a day job. You do some great places with Josh, you do some mediocre places on your own. And you're always opening mic and you're always hustling at night, right? That's the fucking plan. This is what you want to do. There's an opposite, like, you know, I can't imagine getting up at night to do like a fucking paper.

Like, you know, you ever see those business meetings on TV? So give us the report, Joey. The report is the annual sales report. When I watch those things, I could just imagine being in those things and like looking

out the window. I mean, I'm not going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like this. I'm going to be like, oh, I'm going to be like this. I'm going to be like this. I'm going to be like this.

I'm going to be like this. I'm going to be like this. I'm going to be like this. I'm going to be like this. I'm going to be like this. Joey, the annual sales report. When I watch those things, I could just imagine being in those things and looking out the window. I was just looking. And everybody's with their fucking glass waters, making believe they enjoy this fucking dead water. I would just jump right out of one of those windows with that fucking suit on and those tight shoes. And you got to be politically correct in those rooms.

Think about it. When I started this journey, let's be honest. My biggest mistakes in life have been when I try to be John Delaney, Mulaney. And that's happened in every facet of my life. I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid,

I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a little kid, I was a, what am I thinking? I'll just be a bum attorney. I represent DUIs and falls and shit, you know. You can see me on-

You're so mean to yourself. Like, yeah, I mean, maybe after the coke and like prison, you couldn't be an international attorney, but you could have, before then, no, you don't think so? You know what those guys look like. They speak different. They smoke skinny cigarettes and shit. They got like blonde wives. I'm a bum, you know, I they smoke skinny cigarettes and shit, they got like blonde wives.

I'm a bum. I can't fucking do that shit. But I can't imagine. The moral of the story is going to school for five years and not liking it. And I was talking to you this morning from the heart. We were really going at it about comedy. And I thought about my apartment in Boulder.

I thought about how horrible my life was then. To get up in an apartment, no air conditioner. That was the rocky apartment too. Yeah, no air conditioner, but there was no sunlight. The cocaine froze that apartment, like the coke in the walls and on the carpeting and shit, you know, but I still remember waking up there and like waking up with like

Like I wake up here in the morning I could make a protein shake I Could wait for my wife and we can make a make that fucking portable oatmeal in the package I don't even know why I bought this just at high protein And I remember when I went to college that if you don't meal for breakfast It goes a long way. So What we talking oh, you know you I got all these options in the morning I got an apple I got water I got a fucking liquid IV if I want it, right when I woke up in that apartment. I had a fat tire. Oh beer Jesus beer

Had a fat tire All beer Jesus beer if I wanted water I drank it out of a fucking faucet like I didn't have glasses in that apartment Damn so okay, and what were you why were you thinking about his apartment? Because I was fucking cooking with gas in that apartment in more ways than one comedy wise Right never mind the drugs and the sex and all that stupidity, but what was going on there comedy wise, I can never recreate that feeling again. When you have that enthusiasm, you're broke, you don't give a fuck, you know what I'm saying?

You're going to do a spot tonight. That's all that matters. Nothing else matters. People are knocking on your door. You have the rent money's all that matters. Nothing else matters. People are knocking on your door. You have the rent money? Yeah, tomorrow. Nothing else matters. You got a spot tonight, something could happen.

You're gonna try out that new joke. I didn't know how to put jokes together in 95. I just learned how to put a joke together when I got to the comedy store. Wow. Before that, I was just like, you know, whatever. But, but in your, but you think you were still cooking with gas? Like you, what do you mean by that?

Then if you weren't really, I was living my dream, no matter what I was going through, I was living my dream and I was in full control of this bitch, drugs included, I had made terms with myself. I made deals with myself that I'm gonna keep doing this as long as I get up on stage every night. I could keep doing this. This is my playground. But when I got home at night,

I used to look at the clubs and write down the clubs I would fucking wanna be at. I still remember coming home in that apartment, crying many a lightly. Many a lightly. You know, bombing and then going home and going like what you were saying. I don't want to make a mistake and my career's over.

Listen, my career was over every night the first 10 years, okay? You know, you get some bright spots here and there, but I would go home and cry, you know once well once the coke will wear off I would always cry but You know, you just ate a bag of dicks. You've been doing comedy for four years. You just want to get out You just want to be seen but you also want to get good, you know and this There's no and I could imagine that like being a fighter and get in the call. You're gonna fight in the UFC

October 25th, it's fucking July right now How do you act tomorrow morning? You know, how do you act? No crazy now it's in your hands, you know, it's and that's what I'm trying to say Cooking with gas even if I was broke at that time going through a divorce I Was still cooking with gas. I Look at that. I'm so fucking happy That whatever was going on externally It was gonna go I still had to do my shit and get out stage every night

Yeah, and you and, did it help? When like, when you were going through shit that was hard, did like going on stage, when you were doing, when you do well, what it like make like better than therapy, better than like, how did that make you feel? Listen, man, there's something about going for something when you're not good at it.

Like going, you know, there's just, I don't know. It's like becoming a carpenter the first week. You've been a helper for five years. Now this guy goes, you're a carpenter. You're going to build that side of the house. So you're going to put that, that wall up and you start studying shit and you start paying attention and you know, just like what you're doing going to watch comics until you got to call the headline yourself What a journey that was that night, you know, that's so great And these are the things you got to write down because they're not gonna be that good every day What do you mean write them down?

I thought like journal about that something I didn't do write those things down the night that you were gonna go see Michael yo And you got a call to headline two hours before fucking you got in the car to go see Michael. Yo Right just believe it or not. You were still putting an effort in that night whether you're gonna see Michael yo with Joey Diaz or whoever Tim McGoo it didn't matter right? We're still gonna work on your craft that night because you're gonna be a part of it You went there to get inspired, right? Right. Yeah, absolutely. It's a fuck That is crazy

I need to write I I don't I don't My I'm like even comedy or whatever life wise My instinct is always to like focus on that, like the negative and when I don't have any, I'm like a lot of good stuff has happened. I'm watching all these consumers. I'm watching all these consumers. That have no idea what they're watching, whether it's Dave Chappelle, whether it's for a Chrysler, whether it's Joe Rogan, Tony Hinchcliffe, you know. That's why on this podcast, I stress the journey.

Because these people are just seeing these guys. They just pop up the way people would pop up in my life. They pop up and it's just really weird that This is a journey I Don't want people to watch Dave Chappelle Joe Rogan and go you know what I'm doing that Or just know how long it's gonna take they don't know and this journey is fucking the best one of the best journeys you'll ever take This is like joining the fucking army as a whatever a grunt and

saying yeah and staying in for 30 years and shooting 80 people and Having a house here and you know having the house there you put up with some shit those 30 years But what a fucking journey it's been And that's what I'm finding out that that the comedy is a fucking journey and these people who watch it They you know, there's so many listen Hollywood is filled with little comedy rooms now, you know Is oh, yeah. Yeah, I've heard a couple about them. Yeah, stand-up comedy is booming

Like it never has before People getting in it people dropping out people putting on shows. It's very impressive. It's very impressive that I listen but that the last 15 years of comics has really Done more than the 100 years before that. Before George Carlin, like George Carlin, prior Lenny Bruce, now, you know, there are so many comics. Well, and that's all I was just thinking about because, and tell me if I'm wrong but when I was younger I remember like you saw like the people who had specials and now it seems like as a fan like we've gotten to watch because I'm including myself as a fan we've gotten to watch like the openers because they come on the

podcast so they put out their own podcast and like now they're starting to headline and it's like it's almost like like you got to what like people actually watching the minor leagues And it's like I I'm so thankful for a couple weeks ago. I went to play Bocce. Okay And I played against a kid that was obviously a fan Nice kid really sweet, you know when I played Bocce, I don't know what I'm doing So I'm focused on this fucking game. He was talking to me and I answered what I could you know being focused on the game we took a picture afterward we had a nice time, but He asked me I really fuck listen. I'm an anal motherfucker. I think about shit Ten weeks later

But he asked me How long have I known Theo for I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I

don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I I go 97. Come on. How long do you know Joe Rogan? 97. How? And he couldn't believe it. I go, what did you think happened? That these guys, we just popped

up one day. We just started walking up and listen, don't get me wrong. I thought when I saw a special on HBO, I thought it was a guy walking into a club and just doing 45 minutes Yeah, I remember you saying about I got my own problems. I know we I like at least from my perspective I knew it was work But like you hear the word industry plant the only way I really when I was growing up was Comedy Central

It was Comedy Central and that was really they didn't have evening at the improv. I don't think at least I don't remember it. Yeah, I didn't have hbo, but they I mean some people had hbo But what I understand is there's so much stand up on the streets right now But no stand up on tv And when I got into comedy in 91 guys, I know you guys like checking facts. We're gonna wrap this up in a few minutes, but. I still remember, I can name five comedy shows. MTV, Kamikaze Hour, Evening at the Improv,

the one, the eight list with Rosie O'Donnell, and then she quit and they gave it to Bobby Collins as the host. And there was another one that was- V.E. Comic view. And I'm not even counting those. They were all over TV. When I got into comedy, I still remember,

before I got on stage, I still remember seeing Felicia Michaels live from San Francisco. On Star Search, right? No TV half-hour comedy hour. Oh, wow. Okay called it. In fact, Jimmy Florentine did it and The guy who put him on Their best friends now that guy ended up becoming a comic. Oh Shit, okay on Jameson. Oh, yeah so in of becoming a comic. Oh shit okay. I'm Jameson. Oh yeah yeah yeah. So in 90, 91, 92 I sat at home and watched and you had in living color and you had House of Buggin, you had Mad TV didn't come

on till 97. Yeah but that came on 97 if you know the first guest host was Rose you know was a stand-up comic who Doug Stano Oh He was on TV if you could find it. Yeah. Yeah, you could find it the first episode of mad TV What did he? What jokes did he do that he were TV safe? Like that's fun. Gotta watch it. I don't even remember. I don't even remember. I remember that it was coming on and I had a show that night.

And I didn't have a VCR. I'm a broke comic. I live in the basement. Eight feet from dog shit. You know. So. But it's pretty interesting. And I keep forgetting to mention this on this podcast that It's a fucking journey man. It was You know For me it was all of the fucking 90s and all of the fucking 2000s, you know, it's crazy Lee

It's fucking crazy. It's awesome. But it's, it's just boggling my mind a little bit. I still have a lot of time. Like a lot of time of work. You have a lot of time. You gotta remember, man, before anything happened,

You gotta remember man before everything anything happened I did close to a four-year stint with Ralphie when I was broke he was broke and We went back we drank vodka bloody Marys you know and looking back those are great memories of I still remember getting the fucking turkey and Him deep frying it and us being in his backyard at fucking six in the morning At that time there used to be a daycare a Russian daycare

Next door behind El Campadre shit. They was like their own little private they hadn't the kids glow glow in the dark there They had no lights and shit long fucking And I still remember that we were still eating turkey me Ralphie J Moore Ten of us eating fucking turkey deep-fried turkey and not one of us having a fucking bank account Wow like Ralphie Josh wolf You know ten people that now are great comics they work all the time

But I you know J Moore this before they started more sports Wow a Lot of people don't remember that shit, you know couldn't imagine him without a bank account that's Raffi was still living at Schrader Gardner whatever the fuck it was Gardner Schrader I'm not making cocktails. I Didn't have a my fucking thing wasn't cold enough the water. So I went upstairs. I got 20,000 Mugs, do you know that right?

I went upstairs. I got 20,000 mugs. Do you know that right? Do you understand that I got every company name a company? I got Chinese companies that send you these fucking mugs I got mugs this I've thrown away 200 fucking mugs the last couple years. I Got mugs everybody a car dealer fucking My geek company any sponsors everybody sends you a mug And I've been sitting here drinking out of these fucking plastic bottles. God knows where they've been floating You were drinking those bottles. You're like, you know what? I know a friend used to pee in these things. Oh Yeah, I have I have seen that I And these things are fucking recyclable and whatnot. I didn't know you cared about the environment that much what we got this week Tarzan

Punch tonight if you're listening to this, I'm at the Union Tavern in Somerville Friday I'm out is that one is that the ninth the night? That's Tuesday. Yep. The day comes out and then Friday night. I'm at the City Winery in Boston Saturday night. I'm at the Sy Winery in Boston. And then Saturday night, I'm at the Syracuse Funny Bone. Oh shit, my old stomping grounds. Oh yeah, I was there in New Year's Eve. I probably still got a warrant. You there in New Year's Eve?

I was there in New Year's Eve. It's not some A-paloozo, correct? No, that was Sarah Kelona. Sarah Kelona, all right, look at you, making fucking waves in the comedy Midnight Underworld and shit. Oh, yeah Tarzan That's it. I'm really happy. I

You're really happy. We have you got an umbrella or something. I wish I have a lot of I have some cool stuff coming up maybe next week I'll announce a show that I'm really excited about and Yeah, it's it's it's I about and yeah it's it's it's I appreciate like when I get to talk to you about about stuff that like it's turning into a little bit more than just a hobby now like it was I never treated it like a hobby but like it's it's cool to get to move up the ladder a little bit like I said in that little apartment it got real. And I've always told you that, yeah, I got on stage July of 91.

Come on, man. I had no clue what was going on. I was too busy talking to girls and going through a divorce and I didn't know what was going on. When I came to New York, it all focused, like it all shut down and I was put New York. It all focused like it all shut down and I was put on a path and

that path lasted till about for about 18 months and then I actually picked it up a little bit and then throughout the levels, you gotta pick it up. You gotta sharpen your things across, you know, yeah, I **** did it. I just still laugh my **** off. I just had fun and I'm happy that you're having fun now. All right, brother. I love you, buddy.

I love you. Have a great week and I'll see the rest of you motherfuckers out there. I got no dates. I got no books. I got nothing but a fucking fun guy toenail still. And I still got no passport. So if you can help me out, give me a call. If not, I'll see you next week.

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