Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - I still got it C*ck S*ckers!

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

Joey Diaz talks with Lee Syatt about his birthday, passing drug tests, why Lee Is going to get sued in Florida and much more! Support the show and get 20% off plus free shipping at https://www.manscaped.com with code JOEY Support the show and get 50% off at thttps://www.factormeals.com/DIAZ50 with code DIAZ50 The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

What's happening you savages? It's Tuesday the 20th of February the check-in is brought to you by Manscape let me ask you something how those new year's resolution is doing You may not have lost those 10 pounds yet, but at least you got clean balls and that's all that matters It's never too late to level up your grooming with Manscape Listen, so what you got a fat little stomach, but you got a big thing and a lot of personality. And the low moral five point or ultra will really bust out that unit of debt. Not to mention it's got two skin safe blade heads, one for taking a little top off a little bit off the top. And the other one is a four blade for a super smooth shave. Let me tell

you something, I just shaved my nutsack the other day and around the totem pole of death and it looks fucking magnificent and it smells even better. I'm 61 years old. It smells like a Greek salad around the fucking stick with all that air.

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I love your TVs. Run for your lives. It's over. They didn't put you on this planet just to give up. If Uncle Joey could do it, act the fuck in the rule of the world. Actually, you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to the show! I What up there fuck it and Florida Marlin has everything going I'm doing great buddy. I'm having fun a happy birthday to you Thank you, sir. It's always enjoyable to be 61 Any are you gonna get matter and matter on your birthday as the older you get

Well, because the three or four days leading up to your birthday like even when you're 38 Like I still remember waking up when I was like 38 and going Like what the fuck I Got out of high school fucking 16 years ago I quit high school 17 years ago, and I'm making less money now than when I was making in high school Wait that was weird oh When I was 38 I was making $15 sets and I go on the road by myself for the small 500 or Rogan would take me on the road. I wasn't making no fucking money

So I'm like high school was 15 years ago. What am I gonna do? Well, guess what? Cocksucker high school's been 42 years ago. I quit 43 years ago, and I'm still a fucking mess. So You know, you just think of stupid shit three days before your birthday. I couldn't sleep like Friday a Saturday Sunday, you know, Ralphie talked to me in a dream Friday night because it was his birthday Saturday morning I woke up in the middle of night. I had to kill the fucking chicken and put a glass of water out I'm out of chickens. Yeah, I'm out of chickens. I've killed like 14 Already, I gotta stop a lot of problems people got problems. I gotta stop. A lot of problems, people got problems. I gotta cut the chickens, sacrifice them for the God.

So, and that's what it was, like sitting here going, Jesus Christ, today I took my friend out of the toilet, his head out of the toilet by his afro and pissed while I held his head and then I put his head back in and he finished puking that was a Louis yeah that was a 44 fucking years ago today but in my mind times it seems like yesterday and you see what I'm talking about as you get older you go wow that was you know I look at things now and I'll think of

something and I go wow that was about, you know, I look at things now and I'll think of something and I go, wow, that was about 12 years ago when I went to Joey. Wait a second, because in my mind, it's like 2002, I think. I don't know. Really? So, it's, like, how old, if you, in your mind, if you had to guess, like, how old do you feel? Do you feel like you're in your thirties, twenties, teens?

You know, listen, from the time I was 17 to the time I was 44, I didn't wake up feeling too good every fucking morning. All right. That was always blood coming over the lung, you know, big snot in your nose, you can't breathe, you're fucking broke. It wasn't like I was always captain health. When you're drinking and doing drugs, you don't feel fucking healthy.

You just feel like I'm partying, you know what I'm saying? So I don't remember what it all feels like, but I gotta be honest with you. I've worked really hard since I moved here and it's been an experiment. OK, I was thinking I went to piss in Jiu Jitsu today. At the end of class, I was all sweaty and shit. And I did OK today. Like it takes a couple of months to.

To see your growth, but this is the last six months is the most growth I've seen ever in jiu-jitsu. And it was kind of weird to me that as I had my dick in my hand and I was pissing, this thought came to my mind. I said, you know, I still remember, like when I tell people I've been doing comedy since 91 It's true, but it's not true

Because 91 92 and 93 I Was just getting on stage Was I being sets was I was writing? I wasn't doing it right. It took those nine months for me to come here to learn what hard work was, like what it means to be a comic. Like it's not like part time. Like I was doing comedy part time

and I was still growing as a comic, but it became a lot, the growth became more when it became full time in my mind when I started hitting the notebook every day. I started running to an open mic. Same thing happened here for the last three, four years with Jiu Jitsu. It's kind of, it's like I'm scared some days. It's fear all over again. This is fear for

anything. You could use this in any analogy. And I would go to the gym in the morning and go, you know what, I'm just going to go to the gym today instead of going to Jiu Jitsu. And I did that for years. And I found a system that works for me, my body, and now my growth has been tremendous because I know how to that works for me, my body. And now my growth has been tremendous because I know how to train now for me. I'm not 40, I'm not 30, I'm not 25. I can't look over at Lee and go, oh, I gotta be doing what Lee's doing.

I gotta play a complete different game now. My game now is straight weight. I'm 61 years old. I don't feel like a bully no more. Now now is straight weight. I'm 61 years old. I don't feel like a bully no more. Now it's straight weight. I just put my fucking weight on you and pray for the best. That's your move? So yeah, but in reality, my point is that it was a lot with comedy. Don't I hustled a lot in 92. And I hustled a lot in 93.

And I was a house MC for my first two years, two and a half years. So I had a lot going on, but was I doing it right? Not at all. It was a good system. It had a lot of heart. But you learn how to start conserving energy. You learn what works for you and what doesn't work for you.

This is what these years are about. It's not as important as, you know, how funny am I getting is, what am I doing in these time chunks? That's why I always tell you guys to tape your sets every 90 days. So you actually see, you actually see. It's not like when you bring your sets home

two nights in a row, when you're working with Josh Wolff, or when you're with me, I want you to see the growth. And you're gonna go, I bombed in that set, but I didn't know I was doing that with my hand but I didn't know I was doing that with my hand. I Didn't know I was doing that with my face. I Didn't know I was doing that with my ballsack and you know So it's the same thing. I finally got into a system

For my health that works better. Listen, I'm not gonna live forever. Nobody wants to you see these people who 88 and the fucking thing You know, like let me take him for a little ride and push him trust He'll say thank you He hasn't spoken in years yeah, well he told me thank you as I was throwing them off the fucking bridge. How's that oh? Jesus Christ. Yeah, but it's I was thinking about when you were just talking like you've been talking about what you've been looking for in comedy like that feeling again Like do you are you feeling that it sounds like it in jiu-jitsu? I'm feeling it more in jiu-jitsu than am in comedy, even though I didn't get on stage last week, but I wrote more than what I had been and I'm writing differently now.

Ooh, and what way? Like I went upstairs the other day and I saw that my wife got two pillows and I got two pillows, but my wife's pillows are bouncier than hers So I have to give me this over the HIV pillow Because one pillow over the other ones got HIV and she's And I go one pillow skinny But the other ones like the ones they put when people are laying down dying on their stomach It's all warped not that I sleep with on my stomach. I

Also wrote a joke that you know, it's getting to the time now about four or five years, okay. People starting to get shaky again because they haven't heard the N word in four years. Now they're starting to get fucking paranoid. Like something must be going on. We haven't heard the N word. We're going to.

We don't know what the fuck is going on here. You know, so black people, all these people about to say, you know what? Enough with this shit. We're dying to hear the N word again because this is, we can't live like this no more. For 200 years, you beat us. You called us this now. One day you just stopped. You chase us with fire, you know

So i'm writing differently now I still gotta cut sucker you guys are right Oh fucking christ Yeah Oh any day now Black lives don't matter like, cut sucker, you guys are right. Oh, fucking Christ. Every day now, black lives don't matter. Black people running down the street, painting white people with black face, you know, that's it, enough of this shit. Let's go back to normal, you know.

We're waiting for the fucking world to end. You're walking around going, I haven't been called the racial slurred for years. When's this building gonna fall on my fucking head? I better let my Afro grow, because I need to get my fucking soul grown in my head. You know what I'm saying? Oh my God.

It's the truth. Tell me I'm not. Black lives don't matter. Anything that I'm gonna come out and say that. Is it gonna be black people saying it? Oh yeah, yeah listen fuck it. We're done with this shit You're treating us too nice, you know, it's like that one that it's like when that criminal got shot in the Twilight Zone and Go on and what's his name? the butler from Sebastian Cabot

Took him he was dressed in white and The guy got shot and he didn't know he got shot. He turned around and Sebastian Cabot was there That's the batch and cabin go come with me the cops won't get you and he goes. Yeah, but I've been shot He goes no, no, no, no, just come with me. And he went for a ride and he told me he can hang out with me for a few days. And he took them up to the spent house and he hooked them up with broads and cards and booze. And the guy kept winning. This went on for a month.

Two months, the guy kept winning every night. Different girls, two at a time drinking. And one night he comes to his room and he goes, you know, whatever your fucking name is, Sebastian. What is going on here? I keep winning every night and I fucking pick up women every night and I can't take this no more. Life is too easy.

He goes, I think I died and went to heaven. And that Sebastian Cabot looks on and he goes, no, you died and went to heaven and Sebastian Cabin looks on he goes no You died and went to hell That was I don't know I don't know my point is After 60 days the guy was getting his dick sucked He was smoking dope and jumping up and down and then all of a sudden now He's like, you know, I can't take this no more. I'm a loser.

I gotta lose a hand. The guy wasn't even losing a hand. So, okay, and this is how, what's happening with black people right now? It's gotta stop every one of these days. It's gonna snap. We've been very nice to everybody lately. Even like everybody focused on the trannies and nobody beat up on lesbians and gay people no more.

Even they're walking around going like, enough, come back to us. Crack a tranny joke or crack a gay joke or fucking lesbo joke. They're done. Nobody wants to crack a gay joke now. No, you're getting in trouble. Jesus Christ. These cocksuckers want to page all day they had all day. They could have happy me now all of a sudden they get happy fingers and they want to start texting Uncle Joey now. Oh my god. Jesus Christ. I love it. I love that you're writing new

jokes. Well, it's just my mind had a switch a little bit. I was doing these knock knock jokes. I was getting back into it and I could feel on stage. I don't really like talking about my daughter on stage. I don't mind cracking the joke into but I don't like going up there and making her my act. There's no way I'm a fucking killer. I shouldn't be talking about some 11 year old girl. If I want to make a little joke about it yet, but there should not be a bit about me being a dad You know and hope the sad thing is it's what's going on in my life

Right, but and I'm watching life go by Because you got to jump on this fucking news the world is giving you a gem every fucking day The world is giving you a gem every fucking day. Sometimes you need the right time. Sometimes you need, the world gives you a gem and you spin it around. It's funny and anything. I could write a thousand fucking Jew Palestine jokes right now.

I could be banned off every Palestinian stage and I could be banned off every Jewish stage with them. You know, because you're just sitting here getting too fucking edges of the story. Right. You did say that I was, I had a Palestinian dolphin this weekend. Yeah. He didn't like you. You said the guy was in water at you. He told you to go fuck yourself. Maybe it was Palestinian. He came all the way from Palestine.

They got dolphins in Palestine, you know, I didn't know that, but I don't. And the Nile River one of those I don't know what the rivers are all I know that's a Jew dolphin or Palestinian dolphin. You don't want to be messed with But why can't you Talk about your like it is about your life like I'm do you not want to hurt her feelings or do you just not want to make jokes about Listen, I'm not me fuck my daughter's feelings. I'm walking I just fucking went up there started, you know What are you gonna do, you know what I mean Just to cop out on my daughter wouldn't be good.

I gotta talk about what's going on right now. And there's a lot of fucking craziness going on right now. But I'm not gonna be political. That's too easy right now. You could pick that apart for a while and I don't even know what I'm talking about. You know? You've never liked talking about politics.

I had someone get mad at me in Jersey for not talking about politics That's to come. So that's why you don't give them what they want. Fuck them. I give you what I want This is my world. This is my stage motherfucking. I'm not gonna listen when you move down late They make you talk all this shit as a young comic Don't say that materials good, but you have to let them know What your family sitcom is gonna be about? You just shot yourself in the foot once you pan to throw those fucking people you shot yourself in the foot It's your fucking hour. It's your 45 minutes. It's your 15 minutes It's your TV show

This is not stand-up. How many this is everything is coming out smoke the fucking mirrors Some Chinese guy throwing firecrackers up in the air Dancers when you're doing comedy, that's what's going on, but it ain't really going on Okay You know, it's like Thomas Ward had a great joke years ago Do you had a little dick when you got a little dick and you fuck? You got to make a lot of shit happen in the room, you know what I'm saying? So when he's fucked and he's breaking windows, he's pulling fire alarms at the same time because she don't know what's going on

Excited by all this stuff that's going on. He'll break a mirror, you know That's a funny joke Okay but that um That is a funny joke. Anyway. Okay. But that's cool that you're thinking about what you're writing. How long do you think you have? How many jokes do you think you have going? I don't know if it's two minutes or 22 minutes. You know what I'm saying?

It's like that news station. We'll give you the news. Whatever. I don't know. K and s, whatever wins 10, 10 wins. We'll give you the news. Whatever we'll give you who the fuck knows what he bottomed these questions. I have no idea, but I had a, I had a great week in Florida. That was a lot of fun. I went, I did it.

I did an open mic. I had never done an open mic for like mostly elderly people ugly people Elderly, I know there's a lot of ugly people at open mics and like it was like in Florida, so it was like a bunch of like 70 year old 80 year olds Oh That was a man. It wasn't that good of a weekend because if I know you Right now and about a week. I got about a week. I got I wake up one morning through a call from Lee

That's a war enough of my arrest in Florida That's coming, you know something's coming you always take something to go whether it's pink eye and the jacuzzi a Flash on your neck. I've been good. I did get sunburn, but no, I didn't I've been good I haven't had any like mushed and tendencies in a while good. Oh, but guess what? This is what I was thinking about. I did get sunburn. I did I did it's like this. It's like the seventh or eighth year anniversary of Be getting banned from self point Well, you bring it up, I got your week there.

And now you got to bring it up. Now the guys. Oh, yeah. Sure. I got your week up point playing the drums. You got to get back in as a drum player and then the. I'd be I would love to play that. My arms are too short to play the drums.

Now, because I do it on. That show on fucking Netflix with that dude. There's a guy in his AA group that's got short fucking arms and they asked him to put his band back together. What's the name of that fucking show? Something mount louder mouth or some milk or so. I don't know. Okay. But they asked him to put his band back together and do a hit

And then when the people from the label came they forgot he had short little arms And they're like we can't put them on video and this motherfucker just did a tremendous solo with his short arms and then walked out It doesn't have a point to the story, but I Like to play the drums I tried to play the guitar once but they let my teacher literally said I had my fingers were too short And like they have like a baby guitar basically like a ukulele or whatever that I could play but that was it like I I'm the worst you know when I got here brother Mike got me a guitar mm-hmm

he had brother Mike got me a guitar. Mm hmm. Yeah. Like the second month or third month I got here. He got me a beautiful guitar. And I picked it up and I was taking lessons online because there wasn't any teachers because of COVID blah, blah, blah. And it was fun for a while. But I got gotta wear glasses

Okay, I gotta you know, I gotta wear glasses. I'm sitting there. It's tough to be cool When you got fucking glasses on you know So I did that for a while. I just wasn't feeling from zoom. He was a very good teacher And then I practiced for a few months on my own then when they had just stopped Okay, and now I feel fucking terrible. So the last couple weeks I tuned the guitar And then two nights ago I saw something I wrote it down. It's a new Fender the people who made that guitar have a new

Teaching like a way to teach online. Oh cool It's a program course. You got a free trial you know. It looks pretty interesting and that's the way to go now you know and I might do that because now my life's a little bit more settled. Right. You know I don't know if I've announced this yet but I'm gonna announce it now. I'm not working with with Whatever anymore

The weed company oh Okay, okay, so I fuck that's how high I am right now. I forgot the laughing say the name Okay, yeah I forgot the last one say the name. Okay. Yeah You know, we parted on good ways. There's no animosity or nothing. It was just time to move on You know, I did the best I could with them and you know, the licensing in Jersey is a nightmare right now You know when the medical marijuana thing opened up in Jersey a lot of people were confused and you know, what was confused? me I forgot what New Jersey was about I thought that up in Jersey, a lot of people were confused. And you know, who else was confused? Me. I forgot what New Jersey was about. I thought that you can make a few calls and stroll in here and hopefully open up a medical marijuana store. But I think a lot of people have felt

that it's been a fucking struggle in New Jersey. And I'm not saying nothing, I don't want the podcast to end, or somebody to shoot me down, but New Jersey's always been very corrupt. Right. And when you lived there previously? Always. And now it's more corrupt than ever. The other day I'm watching the news and the Jersey news, and they're talking about the government just gave somebody in Jersey, the government was saying that, you know, he just got a grant, finding out how many millions of dollars to save people from street drugs, you know, pills

and oxy-cottons and all that shit and heroin and fentanyl and I looked at the number let's say the number was five million dollars I'm like these guys are gonna get like eight hundred dollars right like by the time this guy buys a car this guy buys a house down the shore you know it's just the way life is in Jersey and I think a lot of people were very excited to come to New Jersey to sell some weed. The laws were a little tougher at first. I see that now they've started to bend.

You know, people couldn't sell weed from other states. They could only sell weed that was grown in New Jersey. Well, New Jersey's never been grown people known to grow great fucking weed Right, you know weed here. It's not like a truck stop. I don't fuck it you know but uh, it was a slow process and Talk I know people who've got a thousand connections and they still haven't opened their store

They've been paying for rent for fucking 18 months. They've made this, you know, because after they they come in then they inspect and then you gotta wait another 30 days To after inspection, it's it's really been rough for these people And I think all that stuff that are all contributed to the laughing gas thing They were trying to open up Atlantic City and they've run into you know, it just stuff that all contributed to the laughing gas thing. They were trying to open up an Atlantic city and they've run into, you know, it just, it wasn't moving and I wasn't doing anything good

for them anymore. If they were in Jersey now, I'd be the king. I'd be down there once a week, hanging out, smoking dope in Atlantic city. At least I had somewhere to go once a week. You know, this is what I was hoping for that once that opened, I get a residency in AC and I'd be right there. My half the parties would be at the wheat store.

Right. That makes sense. But it just never, you know, I think they just got the license to grow. Damn. And you know, you gotta put money into that and that takes time. So the process was so slow and stuff and I think that, listen, I was, I took these kids out to dinner, lunch, maybe two years ago.

And then I go, if you come down, I'll buy you lunch. They wanted me to come up. Like, I don't have the time this week, but and we discussed, you know, me working with them, helping them out. They check in with me now. Everyone every six weeks. They're still not open. Fuck.

And these people know people. So it just hasn't moved. I got a great delivery service now Uncle I mean fantastic You know, it's really secretive you have to give me a license and you know You need a reference to get in there fucking fantastic weed They deliver in two hours right to my fucking house. I can't complain. They got edibles, they got 200 milligram edibles,

500 milligram edibles. I mean, nobody got the motherfucking ABX's like I do. But I ate some good ones, and I ate some old ABX's. These motherfuckers are starting to turn purple. I had like four of those, and then George gave me one of those 2,500 milligram chocolate bars. Oh yeah. I ate like three rows of them for the fight and I ate the last row tonight. Jesus. And that's my

story. I'm sticking to it. It's another week of paradise. What do you think of the fights? I Only watched the prelims. Okay. Oh, yeah The funny thing was this would happen. My wife went snowboarding with my daughter and her friends, right? Morning, I was already thinking about the fight if I don't have to watch the honeymooners. I could watch the last fight Right, and I told my wife go before you leave, can you hook up to fight for me tonight? She said something that she doesn't know. And I said, you know what?

Don't worry about it. Worst case scenario, I go to my friend's house or I'll figure it out. I'll call you and walk me through it. Well, I'm down here. I was waiting for the fuck in whatever fight. I watched that the last prelin fight, the girls, the Kenzie done, Kenzie, during and then I said, let me go upstairs and turn the roll cool. Roll cool. Don't

turn on. I call her in bucket. Pennsylvania. The roll cool. She don't know what to do. All right. I go to the bedroom. I try to roll cool in there that Not starting. I'm about ready to strangle myself. I Just go don't worry about I call you Yeah, no, and I'm like how the fuck I didn't know if I could stream on the computer I didn't know if I had to download ESPN plus on the computer and start from scratch I ain't got that

And it's 10 o'clock at night, the edibles are burning a hole in my fucking soul. I don't have time to download apps and call you up and ask you what happened. So I called you up and I said, tell me who's winning. And then you hit me back with Sahudo. And that was it.

I said, you know what? I'm not playing this fucking game. I'm gonna go upstairs. with so who though and that was it. I said, you know what? I'm not playing this fucking game. I'm gonna go upstairs. I did bet for the fight to lose, go under three and a half rounds. Oh, so you won on that one? Nice.

On that one, but I bet the girl, listen, I love fucking Mackenzie Dern. I'm her biggest fucking fan. Her Jujitsu was off the chain, but I knew this girl was very good on her hands. The only thing I didn't, I did, motherfucker, wait till I get off this podcast, I'm gonna fucking strangle you.

I love Mackenzie Dern. I'm a big fan of anything of these of Jujitsu Black Belt because I know how hard it, you know, you take to get one. But I know the other girl and I was looking to get some money, right? I was like, I only had like a hundred bucks left of my fucking draft cadence. And I said, you know what?

Let me bet against Mackenzie with this girl on her hand. And I like this fight's gonna be vogue in this Spanish kid. I go, I think they're gonna go right at it. I go, let me go under three and a half. That's the best I had. And I went to bed.

I didn't even know. I watched whatever fight, so I didn't go back on, I didn't go back on DraftKings, I won. Right, right. The other fight, I went to bed, I wake up the next morning, he knocks them out, but I look at the other one to see how much I won on the other one, it was supposed to be like

25 bucks to win 52, to fight lost. I'm like, how did I win and I lost? Because if, then, you know, you know draft King sends you the by the way if to if it's a unanimous all three cards Then you lose so hey you live in your but I I'm much wanted like you start any shit, but like I bought these fights and I've been buying them for a while I've been buying them for years.

I don't think I'm buying anymore of the pay per views. To be honest with you, I always think like the last fight was really good. I didn't get to watch the prelims for the amount of money that 80 bucks that they cost now. I think the fight nights are way better. that they cost now, I think the fight nights are way better. Like, you know, you have to look at your budget and see what you stand. I mean, listen, guys, I used to watch every fight. And if I wasn't watching it, I'd be at the fight.

And that got old after a while. There's too many fucking stairs at these arenas. And I'm walking up the stairs and people are yelling, meanwhile I'm having an anxiety attack just because I see stairs and not just three of them, it's like 42. And you just, you know, you realize you don't want to be in public time, you know, whatever, I don't know what happened.

But now, this, I get a card every three cards. Right. Every three or four cards, the honey, but it's gotta be everything that has to match. The honeymooners can't be on, my daughter's sleeping out or she's sleeping in with a girlfriend or I got the TV off to myself till two. I gotta like three of the fights on the car.

They got a bet one fight. It's, it's big for me. Like I'm looking forward to two 99. Who's that one? That's the one I think in Miami. That's the way against that savage, that sugar. Again, somebody I'm looking forward to that card. 300, it's not.

Even if they put around the Rousey or whatever, give us some new something. There's gotta be a rivalry going in there. There's gotta be something to that effect going in there to really, and that's what they don't have. They have no kind of McGregor for 300. They really gotta get something in there to really, and that's what they don't have. They have no kind of McGregor for 300. They really got to get something in there. They got to do it.

Wild Wilders, what did get a guy to stand with a glass in front of him? And somebody shoots him with a 22 and he takes the bullet right out of the fucking air? Well, you got to figure out something at this point, the 300 for people to lay that money. McGregor is not gonna be there just the headliners it was you from all Hill versus the guy who is out of Sonia Fon if I know Dana White Dana White's got some up his sleeve it ain't over to the fat ladies sing to people like Dana

White I believe it you You know, Dana's put some great cards together. Just listen, like anything, there's great cards and there's shitty cards. There's great comics and there's shitty comics, you know? Oh, yeah. And then that was the thing is like this one, I was looking like this one, the paper view for the first time in a while, to me, looked like a bunch of great fights and I get it like the people have off nights. I'm not it's not a knock on the fighters at all. It's just With the amount like there's less fights on the cards now And like it just when when you're looking forward to a card And I think that's why the fight nights are good because you like you don't really know what to expect

I don't cuz I'm not like a humongous fan, but on the paper views. I see these names I'm like, oh, this is gonna be a fucking awesome night This is gonna be a one that like is worth it and then like when the fights are just okay into bummer But like I said, I had a trim back on them myself first of all, let's be honest I can't make it to one in the morning. No. I mean, listen, when Joe came here for UFC, he begged me. And I was honest with him.

I go, Joe, there's no way. He goes, get a room and we'll get you a room. Joe, I'm walking out of that fucking New York city at 115, 120, I'm waiting for you till two. You wanna go eat. That's 3, 330. Maybe you wanna shoot pool. That's four, five.

Forget it. That's too late for Uncle Joey. There's no way I could sit there from seven to 10. My hemorrhoid would blow. So I would have to get there at 10 to get excited. And it's only you did say that it's five fights. You're paying $80 for five fights, you know, so I get what people's complain are. You move on, you become a Bellator fan. What do you want

from me? You know what I'm saying? Those are good. I haven't tried any of those out yet. Like that's how I I just don't know. Is there one that you like? I know there's PFL that just bought Bellator. I'm watching the bear now. Have you watched the bear knuckle stuff yet? No, it's too brutal, Uncle Joey. That fucking kids are killer. Diamond Mike Perry. I love him. I love him. But I don't want to be around that dude. I don't even want to watch bus people's mouths and shit. I can't, that's, he's a Florida guy. That guy's been doing that since he was four.

Yeah. Oh, Jesus. He's a dude. I like jujitsu tournaments. Yeah. Not the all day ones, you know, again, you got me for an hour, 45 minutes before I go. I'm too old to be watching this shit. You know saying so I Don't fucking know have you thought about competing? Oh

Yeah, every morning I wake up and I'm like I'm gonna drink a shake and do some camel steroids I could go under it. Are you fucking crazy Lee in like the Masters division? I would fucking die You fucking crazy league in like the Masters division. I would fucking die Why today I went and he thought he thought a simple throw So the first time they want you to get the footing. It was a hip throw The second time he wants you to get the you know, so I do everything he tells me to the team And I'm drilling it. I'm drilling it to get a warm up, you know to move around and Well, it was my turn, you know

Or it was my turn to fly so the guy Picked me up the first time second time put me on his hip the third time You know, I told him this is part of what I signed up for so lay it on me Just don't fucking throw me up in the air like some Japanese guy, you know, control me. And dog, it was a nothing. He just threw me maybe four feet in the air. So the oxygen got knocked out of me for 10 seconds. Like I laid there, I hit the thing,

I broke the floor like he told me, but no, no, that would destroy my insides right now. Some guy that Judo throw me, I gotta tap right after that. Then go in and come up with a knife. How you gonna throw a 60 year old man like that? Do you think they're gonna put somewhere on you that can Judo throw you?

So there's 60 year olds that are so fucking strong. These guys have been doing Jujitsu since they were 40 or 35, they've developed that donkey strength. And yeah, they don't go to class every day like they used to but they're still strong and they've been doing it for the fucking 18 years. And that strength and the competition, especially if they're used to competing,

I'm not used to competing. I'm not having an anxiety attack. Listen, I'm the first guy to tell you, I would have the fucking worst breathing. There's times I go to class and I get little anxiety attacks. Like I'm like I'm breathing heavier because I'm losing it, you know. So I'm at all this. I'm, listen, I'm very content with doing what I'm doing. Since I was 44 and I started hitting the bag again

I've always known that I was never gonna go into the ring. I Was never gonna challenge nobody Yeah, those days were long gone. I'm doing it just to work out and that's what's helped me so much With Jiu Jitsu, I wish more old guys would join Jujitsu because I've mastered how to go in there, save yourself, road correctly. And I stretch, I bulletproof my body, you know, I fucking lift weights around it, I walk.

I'm not fucking Ryan Gordon, but it's a different, it becomes something different. I drill more I put more effort into drilling now because It's the best I got if I drill through during class and I do two or three rolls. I'm good today. I did two rolls. That was it That was it. I was good. Now I can make it to come back another day But in LA I wasn't doing that. I was doing 10 rolls and then trying to figure out why I can't walk. Well, you're 55 and you're 2000 pounds overweight, Joey. That's why you can't walk. And with that now for a word from our sponsors, Jack.

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I just saw something tonight that you can't fucking niacin is killing motherfuckers. You know, man, I'm sick and tired of this fucking government because they give you shit and then 10 years later, you see an ad. Did you use this? If you use this call, you see an ad. Did you use this? If you use this call, you're returning out. You may have a lawsuit going. I don't use talcum powder no more. I love talcum powder.

Yeah, that sucks. I put it everywhere as a kid. My feet, my hand, my ears, I love the feeling of talcum powder. And then one day, everybody started hating talcum powder. I don't know what it was. It's okay to hate talcum powder. And then one day, then everybody started hating talcum powder. I don't know what it was. It's okay to hate talcum powder.

Talcum powder is gonna fucking kill you, but cocaine is okay. You know what I'm saying? People are fucking dying from talcum powder every fucking day. I think women can't put in their pussies. That's what it was. Sorry about that. They can't put it in their vaginal spread.

Cause it doesn't work put your hands in something. That's what it was. Spread! It don't affect guys, but any smart person knows a chubby guy's best friend is fucking powder. And especially- I haven't on my fucking nightstand. Yeah, especially July, August.

Anyway, I don't even know how we got on fucking- Nice, and you said something on the news? Yeah, when I got out of the fucking the joint, I went to the halfway house and one of the ways they had to fucking get B to UA at first was to eat nice. Okay. I don't know what niacin does to you. No, like two pills and you start getting warm.

Right. Like you start fucking your skin gets warm, your neck, your eyeballs. So I must eat. I did like an eight ball and a half. I must for a whole day. I was eating niacin. I just kept getting redder and redder by the fuck. I didn't know what was going on. I must eat niacin for a month. And then finally I ate like a jar of it. And I still came back positive. I never did niacin again. You know what I'm saying? Jesus. What is niacin? What is niacin? You got a whole food. You go up to a little Chinese lady, you go listen. I need some fucking niacin, okay?

And they give you a nice Niacin comes in a pill form Out of form. I think I was doing capsules like The no I was doing like aspirin type motherfuckers Okay, then one day I didn't take him no more and I in fact left him there and one night I got some coke. I ran out of my anacetal and I just grounded those fucking Niceness nice and pills up the next day. I went over to the guy was like man my nose is on fire. Yeah What did the news say do you have canceling what is what what did the news say? Do you have cancel? What did the news say? What is nice?

I was in here reading and the fucking, you know, I got back into reading again. Thank God I witnessed news comes out, whatever that fucking kiss of debt. And I didn't want to go out there and turn it off. But all of a sudden he's like, nice. And I'm like, nice. And I have a very nice like 30.

I'm like, when the fuck did I fuck around with niacin? I'm like, that's right. I kept eating it to beat the fucking drug test. Jesus. What a fucking lie. That's fucked up. And people are still doing, people are still trying to get away from drug tests.

Like, thank God I've never had a job that did that, but. No, you can buy, first of all, you can buy piss like from drug tests. Like thank God I've never had a job that did that. But maybe like- No, you can buy piss at a fucking health food shop now. You can buy like something you put in your bag. Listen, you know what? I'm very happy I don't go through that shit anymore. That was one of the hardest times of my fucking life. Having a past drug test?

Oh, that was like a fucking three year struggle. I took drug tests from fucking 1989 to 1991. And then no 1990. No, no, no, like 91. And then when I got divorced, my wife threw a fucking hook on me like a 94 that she wanted a drug test talk and

I think you've talked about a little bit before obviously with some stories You said coke is quick to get out but weed stays for a while. Is that what it is? 72 hours for cocaine Okay, what if you're a chubby motherfucker like I wasn wasn't chubby back then. So that shit dissolved and suddenly, but if you have chubbiness on you, any weight fat, it stores in there that shit. So you come back, you might be clean for that moment. Excuse me, then two days later, you come back positive.

You're like, what the fuck? It's like this COVID. Some people are positive for like a month from COVID. Yeah, no, I've definitely, I didn't know that the drugs and could live in the fat. I don't trust I learned the hard way. I mean, fuck. When I think of those times when you walk into a halfway house and you go to sign into your folder and there's like a red dot that means go see your counselor immediately. And you know what it's about.

You know what it's for. Now I got to put on my lion face and I go in there. What is this going to end? Mr. Diaz, what are you talking about? You came up positive for cocaine, you know, go upstairs. You're on suspension. You can't leave the premises till we decide what happens.

Doug, I did that like three fucking times. That shit gets fucking old. And I just sat down and go, why didn't I just quit? It was just gonna be for a year. I couldn't, I couldn't, you know. I was so in it that I just couldn't, you know. So I'm sorry about that, but I had a good time trying to beat him Did how many did you fail?

On paper Let me think I Definitely failed the one going into prison Okay. All right, and what happened was I was doing coke all weekend right when I got sentenced on a Monday morning But like Sunday night I came out of the coke hog The coke fog and I started eating and drinking orange juice and I went downstairs and I hit the bag and shit So I sweat a bunch. So I was feeling good. I went to better. No, I started coke that night, too. I stayed up

Court was a fucking nine, right? Right. I put a suit on with a shirt Fucking pants shoes the whole thing I eat something maybe I't, maybe I drank a beer and I go to court. And I get sentenced to fucking four years, six years. And the next thing you know, Lee, I go, they lead me away in handcuffs. You know, everybody's crying in the courtroom. I'm not crying, I just lost my voice in front of the judge, AKA I choked. And now I'm not crying. I just lost my voice in front of the judge, aka I choked and now I'm in myself

sitting there by myself with cameras on and I'm feeling like shit. I'm like, fuck, my mother is watching this. My father is watching this. You know, my friends are gonna find out. You know, I turned it up, ending up just like they thought I would and Something made me go in my pocket and I go in my pocket. I'm like No And there's a a bindle, but it's swollen I hope this ain't a coke rock and I take it out and there's cameras watching me So I don't like me believe I was shitting and I looked at them like there's cameras watching me. So I don't like make believe I was shitting. And I looked at him like, there's a Coke rock.

I just grinded that motherfucker up right there. And I turned around like I was sneezing. And I put like a dollar bill in there and I fucking did it in one shot. And I got so high for like 15 minutes. I thought they were gonna come in and get me. And then I passed out. I'd been so tired. That's it. I was found guilty. It's over. Whatever was stressing you out for the last 18

months is over. So I passed out for like three hours. They gave me my uniform and shit. They put me in my cell and Then the next day I had to go for a county jail physical Because HIV was big at the time Damn, that's when they test to me. They took blood out. That's the first time And I didn't faint and that's not when that when that test came back But at time I got up to Summit County Jail that test came back, by the time I got up to Summit County Jail, that test came back. And the lady was looking at me like, ooh, Lordy. She's like, woo. Just the fact that you walked in here.

And I'm like, what are you talking about? And she goes, you had everything in your system. Jesus. At the time when I turned my, when I went to court, by the time I got sentenced, I had like five heavy duty drugs in my system. Jesus. Weed, Coke, fucking whatever they call,

Quailudes and fucking Valium. And there was something else that they were like, how the fuck do you have this in your sister? You think that's maybe why you couldn't talk to the judge? I don't know. Fucking Christ. And then I got out of there. No, then I went to the state jail to get tested.

And I thought I was like, woo, your TAC levels are cooking jack. When was last so that proved to me that the coke was out of my system. And that was maybe two weeks later. But my TAC levels was still fucking on fire. And then I went to prison. And now that they're looking at all these levels Uh, because when you go into that halfway house or wherever you're gonna go and they test you They look at those levels to see if you got high on the walk to school. You know I'm saying Oh, dang. Okay. So if you were fat or something like you would still be in your system a little bit when you go to the halfway house

No, I'm 27 years old. They're in an inch of fucking fat on me You know I'm 27. I'm in the gym. I'm walking circles at the thing. I'm eating right, you know They're in an ounce of fucking fat on me So nothing was really sticking, you know But I remember like December they gave me a booby trap one and I came back spotless And the THC had been out of my system, so it was a big difference The last test I had taken was September 1st To December or like it was January 1st

Everything had disappeared everything was out of my system and I'd done acid in there, but the acid wouldn't come up as anything. They couldn't test for that. Fuck. They couldn't test for that. Would you need your halfway house care about weed or just coke? Halfway house cared about fucking everything. So then when you get to the halfway house, they test you again, and they

compare it to your levels. And that's the level it better stay at. And they say the only reason why the fucking THC should raise is if you ate poppy seeds or something like, you know, they always had some bullshit story for you to get out of it, but in reality, it's a tough case to make in court that you ate two bagels and you tested positive for THC. Right. Oh, I had a winner.

That's so like, I mean, I know you were talking shit at the beginning about like being sick of your birthdays, but like the birthday today must have been way better than like a halfway house birthday. I didn't spend my birthday was one day. I didn't spend in birthday was one day. I didn't spend in any of those places Really? Because by the time I got to the halfway house on my birthday in 89 or 90

80 90 I was already moving. I was working. I had a job, you know, I was doing my thing Okay So I am surprised you didn't spend a birthday at the halfway house. No, I wasn't. I was at the halfway house, but I wasn't inside is what I'm saying. I was never really inside on my birthday. Because I got a list in November. I stayed until January and then I got sent

in August and I stayed down there. Oh, no, no, no Yes, you're right. I was locked up for my birthday one year. I don't remember but if I knew me it was at George West and My wife came to see me with a mini skirt and no undies. Oh That's not bad. No Okay, well, I'm happy you're still here You know listen man It's all an education. It was all part of the education of the guy I became I Accepted it as soon as I came out. I was happy. It didn't bother me anymore You know, I had a little paranoia that people were watching me, but after a while,

it just wore off and it was like I was proud to go in because I had paid for my debt. You know, until today, I'm very proud. I'm very proud of, I'm just proud of that whole thing because it, I wouldn't be here today without that situation. No, absolutely. I wouldn't be here today without that situation No, absolutely and I just Cuz you're talking about you know

How you age and how quickly it goes? Again, yeah, I mean that was what was it 37 years ago? No, not 30. Yeah. Yeah, that's all that stuff a lifetime ago You know, it's like a lifetime ago like people You know in your mind you think like people still remember it. They don't life went on for them You know life went on for them. I walked around with the shame for a long time because that's you know, I was raised correctly Then somewhere along the line is where I got fucking crazy

But you know I look at it now, and I'm fucking happy. I went to jail. I'm happy. I judge sent me. I'm happy That when I came out my wife, you know life is a fucking struggle man And if you do it the right way, you still get fucking penalized somewhere along the line Yeah, he's always gonna have their own personal Vietnam. Okay? Every hooker's got a hard luck story Alright in the fucking story and last time I checked. I'm a fucking hooker I don't have a degree and last time I checked as of recently you're half a hooker Yeah, yeah, that's what we do is fan the comic.

So, but it's all good. I accepted it. That's it. You accept it. You, I don't care if you're a half of hooker. And then my mom told me something that always stayed with me. She was like, listen, I don't care if you grow up to be a janitor, as long as you're the best one in the fucking building.

Is there a fucking metal for the best janitor? No, but I want you to know that you're doing the best job that you can. And, you know, whether it's jiu-jitsu or standup, you know, right now you're in an area in your life where you're getting your routine now. Right. And you have a hard routine that a lot of people listen, the toughest part of my life was working five days a week and doing comedy seven nights a week. That's when life gets fucking real.

You're doing it without fucking We're doing it without fucking Glitter powder at night staying up till six in the morning. Think if I kept you out Four nights a week till six in the morning and you still I wouldn't be able to Dog I did it That's what I'm saying to you this is it's it all just becomes a part of it whether it's right or wrong And then you lose stupid shit along the way and that's, that's what it means to be 61. Now, that's, I mean, I know you for a while, you never thought you'd be 61. But like when,

I don't know, when you were like 40s, or do you, did you ever think about like what your life would look like? Not once. Okay. Not once. But if it did, if I did think about it, it was gonna be like this. No. No, I didn't see it like this at all. With a family and a house and a car and you know, no. I saw myself living in a room half the size of this with a mattress and a cat bowl and a cat and a blanket and the fucking heater and maybe one of those we call those two stoves that you have in your house. Oh, a hot plate. A hot plate, maybe a coffee maker, tea. I sort of myself with a TV, a carpet would be a luxury, you know what I'm saying?

I'm gonna kill these motherfuckers. You know, I always saw myself living like Charles Bronson at the end of hard times, alone and I was satisfied. And now I look at my life. I mean, what the fuck I Got somebody I talked in the morning, you know for ten minutes. She comes down here and talks to me in the morning about stupid shit or whatever Right, I have a wife. I talked to it really was a fucking surprise man

And I didn't come from a family based home. I had a family, but we ran like four Puerto Ricans, three Puerto Ricans in that house. You know, and I never wanted to do that again. I never wanted a house like that again. And it was just three people going in their own directions every morning. Yeah, that's a business. That's a, you know, I didn't want that. So I'm, you know, ever since I don't do comedy as much, you know, you don't get a lot of people telling you the great. You know what I'm saying? So one of the things I had to start doing was telling myself that I was good the little things that I was doing, whether it's working out, whether it's doing an open mic.

So, you know, that's who I am right now. And I'm pretty fucking happy about it. I'm okay. I'm fucking fine, man. I'm having a great time. It's my time right now. You know, I got four more years in the fucking workforce. You know, I'm paid on paper, but...

You're counting down. What's that? You count, I can't... There's no countdown. I'm just looking at my options. I'm thinking of doing a lot of things. I listen I Have come to the agreement that There's nothing that would make me happier all these people I'm gonna sizzle

There's nothing that would make me happier Than to do comedy once a week. I had a set where I knew my limitations. I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew what time I'm leaving the house and I know what time I'm getting back. I'm ready for something like that. Am I ready this week?

No, but I'm ready. Like I can feel good. I know where I'm at now. I'm caught up a little better. My daytime schedule, I finally got it to run smooth. It took me three and a half fucking years. You know, like, are we shaky? I didn't know.

Now I got it down. Like my mornings is shit. I got a great morning. Some mornings like Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I got a boogie at eight out of here, sometimes seven 45. Tomorrow I got a late start. I can leave here at nine, 30, quarter to 10. Wednesday's acupuncture, I'm there at nine sharp.

You know, so I got a pretty good schedule. I got meetings. I got a big meeting tomorrow at two for the book, you know? Bring it on, bitch, whatever. But that's what this, so far at the six week mark seven, I got six, six sets. And that's what I feel. Cause last week when I didn't go down there and I got caught up doing something else, I got to be honest with you. I missed it.

Yeah. I just, I just don't want it to be big. I want it to be, you know, kind of kept under control. More of a family type room. I'm looking at a restaurant. Nice. I'm looking at a casino and I'm looking at another casino right now. And that's where we're at, brother. That's awesome. It's crazy how disciplined you are

with like having a schedule during the day. Always, since you've done it. Yeah, that's correct. I don't think most people do that because with comedy, you'll get lost. Remember when you join comedy, you know, someday you're going to go pro. Okay. And that's like me letting you out of a fucking prison.

Why is that? Because when you have six weeks in a row and three of the weeks are Milwaukee, Minneapolis, and Chicago, you ain't coming back. God, I'm a nomad. So what does that do? So that means four nights a week, you stay in your hotel room all day until showtime and then leave that's what I did for three years yeah you find you know what I'm gonna get up at eight go to the gym walk call my mother pray to the Jewish God do this take a an app, lift weights, eat lunch. You start getting a schedule. For years, my schedule was snorkeling, wake up, eat lunch, go back to bed.

Yeah. Snorkeling, more coke, do two lunch. And I was doing it correctly. Where my sets the best, ah, the pen would night you you caught me how much cocaine battery acid I had in my system But that was my system when I cleaned up my road schedule And then you came into my life and I had all these other things That schedule was as tight as a fucking drum on a daily basis You could find shitting me talking about I could tell you where I'm gonna be

And I saw part of the day That's I have to start doing that more I had my schedule down to that type of System and somebody would look at me and go Joe you're full of shit. You don't have like that ass leak System and somebody would look at me and go Joey you're full of shit. You don't have like that ass leak My my notebook. I if I go through my boxes, I'll find those notebooks 2018 because I remember putting them in there when I moved and Looking at them after I got here when we took them out There's somewhere around here, and I remember looking at those notebooks going

Wow, I couldn't believe I was 50 and doing that. Yeah. The flights, the two podcasts with you, the two workouts, two jiu-jitsu's, two karate's with Mercy, you know, it was tight. Like my schedule used to be bang, bang, bang. I went home from six to maybe seven and either I hooked up with you or I went to the store Tuesdays and Thursdays and Saturdays. Right.

We're at the fourth wall or something. But when you start making progress as a comic is when you're scheduled. Well, listen, why do we keep saying the word comic? When you make progress when your life, you know, is when you start getting your day down early in the morning. And nevermind, listen, you're gonna write shit down at first and you're gonna get up and look at it and go, Joey's crazy, that's the drugs talking.

But if you keep writing it down, I'm gonna do this at 930 when I'm on the road. Eventually one day you're gonna go, I'm gonna do it. And now you're gonna feel good. You're gonna go, I can't believe I did it. And then you're gonna do it in two days and three days. Now you're gonna do it every day. And that's what I had to do here.

I had to refine the fucking, I had to redefine my schedule. I didn't have the weed store no more to go visit. That was in my schedule, go to the weed store. Then I would go to crowd therapy because they were right next to each other. That was in my store. Go to the weed store. Then I would go to cryotherapy because they were right next to each other. It was a perfect fucking scam. You know, and then I would come back and I would go home and from there I would go to Alberto Crane in Burbank, come home, meet you at three. If we had an afternoon, that means I had the night with the girls. So I was going to the store. It was never ending, but everything was written on paper. Right? I remember everything, everything. You know, every this is the third week in a row.

I've written three people's names down that I have to call ASAP yesterday. It's been three weeks. They still haven't called. Why? Because life gets in the way. I don't look at it till Thursday. Okay. You know, it's just, but eventually I'm going to look at that on a Monday morning go. I got to call these three motherfuckers because I keep writing it down just because you didn't do it. That's fine.

At least you wrote it down. That's a start. I'd rather you write it down and not do it than put it in your mind and't do it, that's fine. At least you wrote it down. That's a start. I'd rather you write it down and not do it than put it in your mind and not do it. Writing it down eventually will fucking hold you accountable. And that's really good at what you do. When you become accountable for your days, if I talk to fucking, if I grab five people

and I go describe Burke Christ's day to you They think he's hula hoopin all day Right. They think he's drinking by the pool with 20 people. They don't know that Bert writes Bert gets blood transfusions, you know Bert's got to do a lot of things to be Bert You know do a lot of things to be burnt, you know? You know, I have no idea. They think we just fucking run a yacht all day with a bunch of

bitches. It's a video. And they were writing, we're going to acting classes. We meet with writers to write. We meet with your friends to write jokes. You know, this is if you want to get anywhere. You're not living like Belushi and Blues Brothers fucking getting up at 12 burping in people's faces. You're just doing comedy to fucking, you know,

to fucking do substance abuse. That's completely different. Which Joey, you were doing kind of the same. Yes or no? Yes. I was real took off. I was paying attention You were and your career took off when you stopped like I was thinking If you ever and I'm sure you just it just doesn't happen at this point But like let's just say you didn't write out in your notebook for one week or like you lost your notebook

Like how would you feel like you didn't have this I Rather lose my fucking wallet than lose my notebook Not because if you read the journals and shit, you're not gonna go well, you know look at you admit it Shooting three people 19 now. I don't write that in there, I'm not that dumb. Because I wanna see how I was feeling a month before. I wanna see how I was feeling in October. You know, every once in a while I smoke a joint, I think backwards, I go look at what's this month,

February, I go to October and see what I was going through, September, August. And I see what I was going through September August and I know what I was going through in August. I had the pneumonia I couldn't fucking breathe. I couldn't go to jiu-jitsu. So I was ready a stab three people. I Didn't know you were like an actual journal journal. I Do everything you were comics man were comics and 60% 60% of our generate, I don't know how to say the word,

50% to 60% of what we generate is what we write. So I'm not asking you to write a sitcom and I'm not asking you to write a script. I'm just asking you to become the best writer for you that you can. That's why all these people, everybody wants to be a writer with a hat and a feather. Then they go on stage and they eat a bag of dicks.

You know what I'm saying? Right, oh yeah. Later on, fucking the night show. Then he goes on stage and the guy's giving you a knock knock jokes. Because he's in the room all day. We write for us. Later on in life, if somebody comes up to you

and you're that fortunate, they go, we want you on staff to write. Yeah, we get paid to write for them now. But right now, in your early stages, you're learning how to write for you. And what works for you? You know what, Joey? Fuck you, motherfuckers.

I don't like writing in a notebook. I like writing on stage. Whatever works for you. Are you writing the jokes down? Nah, I just remember them. Then this is not gonna work out right. How do you know? You're looking at them.

You better get that notebook cock sucker. And that, you know, I think I've had a notebook since 95 or 94, maybe 93. And then I incorporated different, there was a thing years ago in the 90s called the writer's way. Right, a notebook. 95. It was like a book.

And one of the things they talked about, one of the things, I read the book. Did it work for me? No, I'm not fucking no writer, but I took something from that book. I can't remember what it was. Now, oh, to write when you wake up, to get that diarrhea off your mind for 10 or 15 minutes. I read that 95 or 96 or 94, and it blew me the fuck away.

Because I would do it at night. When I got back from doing comedy, 95 and 96 or 94 and it blew me the fuck away. Because I would do it at night. When I got back from doing comedy, I would log in my set, my weight, you know, and how I did today or whatever. When I read the writers way, I dumped in the morning. Just about anything. What's going on? When you wake up, there's something going on.

I don't care if you write down, and you gotta be honest with it because if not, it's not gonna work. When you wake up and you're thinking about elephants in Africa, don't wake up in the morning and tell me you're thinking about how much you love your daughter. Because you lied to the most important person in the world,

that fucking notebook, which is your fucking mirror. Talk about what you dreamt about. I dreamt about three monkeys fucking a gorilla. And one of them was making a meat coconuts with his fucking dick. Okay, write it out. You know, if you want to take it to your therapist, take it to your therapist.

Not that I was going to a therapist at that time. The only thing I would want to take it to your therapist, take it to your therapist. Not that I was going to a therapist at that time. The only thing I would go to a therapist at that time was to see if she walked away from a purse so I could clip a fucking the small 20 in the credit card. But that's not it really working for me dumping in the morning. And then at the end of that dump going, you know what? It's not all it's not all a black Sabbath song. Let me give it to you. What's really happening now? I'm going to wake up.

I feel good. I'm going to go out there. I'm going to tell my boss to suck my dick. And you know, whatever your goal is for the day, but I would always dump first. That's where I got that from. I didn't invent that. I got that from the writers way. Is it hard to be that honest? Like, it's like we always, not like a straight out line, but someone asks you how you're doing.

And you say, oh, good. And look, even if you're like, it's hard, I don't know if I'm anywhere. I'm like 100% honest like that. Comedy is not comedy until you're 100% honest. You're not going to become the best comic you can until you're 100% honest. You're not gonna become the best comic you can until you're 100% honest, even when you're telling a lie. What did that mean? That means, hi guys, I never tell you I did Coke with my cat. All right, okay.

That's a bold lie. But people go to me, that's the best joke you have oh my god. I can't believe you did cake coke with your cat That's the biggest lie I've ever told them my life right people show going I can't believe that guy Snowden cook But when I'm the same it to you, I'm fucking telling you what you do Lee I went to the movies with Athena. What'd you do? I snored a cat coke with my cat And before you could go no, I'm already down your throat. It was tremendous. We got an able we waited up together

I just put it in his nose and then as the night got older I rolled up a little piece of paper and I put it in his nose and I will put the coke in it and Blow it in his nose and you're sitting there going what the fuck is this guy talking about? But that's telling the truth Uncommon right maybe it's a fantasy of yours Tell the truth. What's your real fantasy? I want a lady to fucking cut my dick off like a Jew ceremony to cut the skin off and whip me with it Talk about it

Okay That's Walk it's weird cuz I feel like I am more the most honest on stage I'm sorry. I'm the other day. I'm thinking about this the joke. I told you that you know one of my fantasies is to smell a turban Yeah, that's one of my fantasies is a joke. What's my real fantasy to go up to a woman and say let me smell Sniff the inside of that Botox pussy, you know or something like that. I Don't fucking know Right, what do you really want the day to happen?

You really want to smell a turban? No, what's your fantasy for some Chinese chick to rub my nuts with a little skinny Chinese toes? And hopefully they smell like soy sauce to really get the party started. I Would love to read this notebook now All right, I'll let you read it next now because I feel like that's all over the notebook. All right, I'll let you read it next week. I love you, cocksucker. Love you buddy. Thank you for being a part of this and thank you guys at home for being a part of this. Where you at this week, Lee? Drop it on them. I met the Providence Comedy Connection.

I just looked at the website. It looked like things might have changed. Friday and Saturday with Zach Fox now, new headliner. We'll see if I'm even on the shows I didn't know the headliner changed. I just found out right now Well, welcome to the world of comedy you never know you're always the last one to not know oh, I know I just went on right now But I'm excited to be there you're gonna show There's gonna be an Elvis impersonator that a Chinese meant to really get under your skin

Like one of those Japanese Elvis impersonators and shit. What are you doing here? I hear too Like what the fuck where's my life going to I lost a two-on-a-law spot to a fucking Japanese Elvis want to be here How the fuck is happening in my life? I hear two. Anyway, I hear two. Yeah. Anyway, I got to take two steps to the rear and get out of here. Everybody. I'm in the wind. Later. Have a great week, everybody. Love you. And now for a word from a motherfucking spongebob.

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