Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - If you want a problem, Joey Diaz will give it to you

Episode Date: September 16, 2025

Joey Diaz tells Lee Syatt about how his feelings for Adam Sandler evolved once he met him, sending Facebook messages to the officers who arrested him, bleeding out of his nose at a Christmas party, how The Comedy Store is like prison and so much more! SHOW NOTES Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew for free, just pay $5 for shipping. Press in code JOEY at https://www.bluechew.com Support the show & download the DraftKings Pick6 app & press in code JOEY. New customers get $50 in bonus picks with just a $5 entry on your first pick set.

What's happening, beautiful people. Uncle Joey here with my Jewish Cato Lee Syatt for another fun-filled episode of the church. What is it? New Testament. New Testament. Tuesday, the 16th of the month. It's moving fast, people.

So get on the boat. It's moving fast. We're down to 14 more Mondays until Christmas, and you're sitting there worried about, huh? Please tell me that's right. That is right. How do you know that? Because there's a stupid tidbit that Yahoo put up about a month ago.

So just doing the fucking math the last three weeks, I'm down to 14 Mondays. It's stupid. I would never say that. But when I read it, it simplified a lot of things in my life. You got 14 Mondays to get it together before the end of the year. Monday is the day. You feed the spirits. You pray.

You thank God for giving you another week to be the ultimate warrior. And we got 14 of those. Do you still do the glass of water? Every Monday. How long are you doing that? I didn't do nothing today. No? I really just lived for the spirits today.

I didn't do nothing. How long have you done the glass of water? I'm three years old. Every Monday. For my father. But I have a couple glasses. I have glasses for his grandmother glasses. Vinny have glasses.

So you put a glass for everybody who died. I'm running out of fucking glasses. Dead! Dead! I'm running out of fucking glasses is what I'm saying to you. Oh. I'm supposed to listen. Listen, you have no idea what the Cubans do.

So on Mondays, Cubans are supposed to, no music, my family, my fan, I don't know what your family does. But for the spirits, there's no music early on in the daytime. Okay. You have to give them water. You have to clean the spirit, it's called something. Altar? Ancester thing, that's what it's called. Like, I have his mother's bottles on there.

Anything somebody gave me, you know, somebody gave me a gun. I can't put that up there, but somebody gave me a statue of, like, you know, somebody gave me a statue of, like, a thing I have his statue there and you just put a little thing man I put a picture of his grandmother and a grandfather that I got from your aunt and you just put them there and I don't have a candle for all of them I'll light the house on fire because that's what you're supposed to do but then you're supposed to feed them like actual food so whatever you cook you have to put a little dish out for them I know that's nice I know I know until you have a cat or a dog a fucking mice or you get really stoned and you want to you've never eaten that food heavy then you have a spirit

that don't get along. Shut up. So you got to feed them in different rooms. Was it people who didn't get it along in like the wind while they were alive? When you do the Santeria stuff.

Right. When you cut up the animals, there's saints that don't get along. So you got to put them in different rooms and do the, when you cut the goat or the fucking chicken or whatever, you have to put them in different rooms.

There's one saint that likes to eat in the bathroom. So you can feed them in the bathroom. So you got to go piss around them. Is that your favorite saint? I don't know. I don't remember anymore. You get to put a candle on.

He likes to eat. And I remember being like a kid and burning my foot on the candle. Oh, no. Because you got to go pee and walk around the fucking candle and the Cuban stool and the, and you got fried bananas in there. As a kid, you don't know how many times you're like, man, I'm going to eat one of those bananas. But your mother scares the hell out of you. She's like, don't eat those.

Because the spirit will punish it. They'll put cake out for the motherfucker. Like if it's his favorite cake and you're sitting there fucking, I can't eat it because, fucking. You're on a diet. I'm going to die. You know, whatever. It's just, so that's what you're really supposed to do. When you really get down to it.

That's fucking cool. Mondays a fort. You have an ancestor table. And you just put, like, I put the two kids, I grew up with North Bergen that died because they were a part of your life, you know? Fuck yeah. And you ever see the movie Coco? Of course.

It's one of the greatest movies of all time. Oh, yeah. You gotten pissed because my ex didn't like that movie. I know. I mean, you not like that movie. It's a fucking great kids movie. Like, listen, they paid me to go see it. I know.

So I didn't give a fuck. I went in there like, King, Ching. But I was like, this is a fucking tremendous movie. Because all it says is whenever you put a picture up of somebody that's dead, you pull them out of that. You keep them alive in heaven.

And then what's the plot of the movie? He has to pull his grandfather back from heaven. Well, there's, so I don't remember how he got there, but it was like his grandfather was being forgotten. Hold on one second. I know people at home are going, Joey. That's it.

it. We've had it with you. Coco. How old are you? You're an old man. You watch Coco. I got a daughter. And sometimes those kid movies, dog, let me tell you something. All those pics are, the other day I went to somebody's house to eat dinner. And the little girl was watching one of the guy with a skinny with the big head. I feel like that's all of them.

Yeah, one of those. Was it Shrek? No, the other one. And I sat there and I was giggling. Oh, yeah. I have a good time. Even Edibles is great. And then I realized.

When you're a kid, you want your people to watch TV with you. Like, Mama, come here, watch this. She's like, I'm busy cooking, you know. So I didn't know. I just went over there and sat with her and her sister. Right. And my wife, my wife was in there. But she got so excited because I sat in there.

Like, me and my wife sat there. Like, she would look at me and go, watch this part. The whole time. The minions. Oh, shit. Okay. The minions. Those are great.

Those are good ones. And they play, you know, they're geniuses. because they play music for us they put music that we grew up with so at least you're not sitting there like a fucking idiot in the movie theater like ain't nothing here for me or something you know they put like Justin Timberlake you get a little wiggled to you niggled

you know what I'm saying? It's great I love getting high and you were so, because you got to bring mercy to like the premiere of that and she was really young. Nobody named Coco. Right. So that was the deal for the people who don't know

let me tell you what happened. I got a call like a Monday at 3 They're like, hey, man, are you busy tonight? And I've always said, yeah, because I don't know what they're going to hit me with. So I'm like, yeah. And they're like, oh, man, Disney's willing to give you like $1,500 to go see Coco because the tennis player dropped out. Cocoa dropped out. And then there was another Coco.

And we'll send a car. Oh, shit. I was like, okay. And I'm like, I got to go to Disney World anyway. I might as well work them when I'm down there for some Disney shit. Fuck. So, yeah, they set the car and everything. Mercy was all excited and shit.

We went down there. And the movie was sensational. Then the guy gave me some loot. And then the guy came over and made go, listen, I got to get to Disneyland. And I want that package where you get the tour. I'm not waiting out of lines. You got to do the fucking under the cave tour. That's the only way to do that.

I don't even want to go under the cave. That's Moriah Care. and James Bond and those people. I just don't want to wait online. Right. That's it. And the guy goes, done. So.

Isn't that the time that you tried to eat edibles and they almost threw you out, though? Yeah. They follow you to the hotel. They follow me to the hotel. Then he doesn't fuck around. No, the girl just, you know, listen, man, there's people that take their job just a little too seriously. Oh, yeah. They were giving him maybe $8 an hour to be like a part-time security.

No weapon, no flashlight. No whistle. I was going to say. And, dog, she watched me from him. I don't know why. She just thought, like, what's that in your hand? A key. Yeah.

And then she's like, no, I go, I got an edible. And she goes, well, you have to put that back in your room. Like, all right. So I just wanted, my room was right there. I went around, eight half it and threw it in the garbage. I went back. She goes, you didn't go up to your room. I said, are you serious?

She goes, yeah, I'm not going to let you in. I go, hold on. I had, like, eight people with me. I go, get your boss for a second. I go, listen. Just give my mom. honey back. We don't need this

aggravation. Then somebody came from Disney. No, no, no, no. It's all right. And I'm happy. So this day, I love that woman because she saved my life. Why?

Because if I would I eat a whole edible, I wouldn't be here right now. That was one of the scariest fucking days of my life. Oh, I can't imagine. Honestly, like Disney's fun on edibles, but if it was hot and you're walking around for like 12 hours?

It wasn't hot. And you know me, I ain't walking nowhere for 12 hours. It was the rides. Really? Yeah, I got on a ride. I'm like, all right. And also, the ride took you around, but you had to go over a lake.

I didn't know that. I'm in that motherfucker like, yeah. And also when I look over, I'm like, oh, I'm over a fucking lake. And you got scared? Petrified. I thought I was going to puke. I just kept going around around in circles. I got off.

I'm done with rides. Then I went into that fucking happy ride. It's a great world after all. You were going on that. It's a small world, yeah, yeah. You sit there, and it takes you around the world. but they throw sand in your face when you get to Indian shit

fucking I never forget sitting there going thank God I need a whole edible because you go to India you go to all these countries sitting there and you're really your feet are only this far off the thing

but you feel like you're really up in the sky and with an edible you don't like that that's so have you ever freaked out on an edible in public like I know you did I know if you've been on planes but like have you had like a legit freak out No

I had to freak out on Coke At a party here in Jersey one time I just thought yelling everybody What the fuck are you motherfuckers looking at I'm bleeding from my nose You know What are you looking at You're bleeding

You're disgusting You're a fucking junkie What are you doing It was a Christmas party Was somebody's Christmas party From North Perry And I was fucked up What does it feel like

When you're fucked up on Coke You're just like Not too much energy It was like a week of doing coke. Okay. It was like three nights, then I took a night off, then three more nights, then the holidays came. And when you would go from the 21st to the second, you know, it was like one of those parties

on the 28th, and I went off at this party. I'll tell you who was, there was a North Bernd guy that was going to beat me up. Okay. Because I was just calling everybody a fuck and all this shit, and I'm bleeding from my nose, and I'm walking around with a bottle. I'm like Scarface. I was like Scarface in the restaurant. that's what I'm like a week later I was like

I gotta give this shit a break really yeah cause is like like a schizophrenia after fucking well if you're not because you're not sleeping you're not sleeping you're not sleeping fuck you're not sleeping so you're just snorting and you're eating minimal stuff you got no money to eat but you got a lot of money to do coke that's the problem

I never understood that I didn't have a hotel but I'm snorting coke to 8 in the morning I never understood that but that's when that It was like a schitzelphrine I caught myself Like after yelling at people for three minutes I'm like Sorry

Holy shit I'm standing there Bleeding from my nose With a blood along my shirt With a bottle of Jack Daniels in my hand Yell in a party Full of 30 people And that's it

I think I think I was out of North Bergen a week later I was gonna say that's hard to get like I was so fucking embarrassed So fucking embarrassed How long did it take to Like did you have to like be sober to be embarrassed Like, did you have to come down from it or like immediately?

I didn't give a fuck that night. No. I was still yelling in the car and shit. Your uncle drove me home with Vivian. I'll never forget that. And we didn't say a word in the car. It's not a word. I think your uncle had even mad at that point.

It was like a three-month stretch that we're going crazy. I can't. I have nothing to like compare it to like. Because you don't plan to go on a bender like that, right? Just sort of. You just, you know, it was holidays and, you know, it was, I was young. I didn't really know. Nobody really knew.

And it was like a week long, 10 days of just pounding it, you know. And now it's a Christmas shit. I had no family. So now it's the 28th. God knows what's going through my mind. God knows. But hold on. Let's start this thing properly.

Okay. We'll be right back after Blue Chute. Hey, Uncle Joey. here. It's a beautiful Tuesday morning. I want to talk to you about something. It's time to give that third leg a workout with Blue Chew. Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. You can have stronger, harder, longer, lasting directions like that and no time. Listen, that Blue Chew package is a little mint now. It's just a little mint. You put that in your wallet. You see somebody lurking late night. You know what I'm saying? She's looking good,

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We're back. We're back. All right. How was your week? I had a really good week, actually. I've had a couple of. really good weeks. I did a couple midnight shows last week, which are really fucking...

Dark. I did one at a club and one at a bar and at the bar, because you didn't get mad at me earlier this week, but I did a late show and I did okay, but I was trying to do too much material. So then I went into this midnight show and like, it didn't even start to like 1230. People basically

were just stumbling in, like, hammered. And I think I had like an eight minute set and for like six I had them and like the last two because you just were like you didn't get mad at me but like don't do material for midnight shows

so I was trying to I just went off the cuff a little bit but that was really fun and then actually tonight when I'm super excited about is I'm actually going to see Adam Sandler tonight and I'm fucking

where at the stadium the like basketball place in Albany because last night he was in New York but I couldn't go on Monday night so he's in Albany and it's like I don't know man with all these people like just getting older and Adam is not old but I've been in love with him since I was in middle school like Adam's saying like happy Gilmore for me when I was growing up in like the 90s happy

Gilmore I still remember I was Jonathan Nichols house and he should buy like I he just I think he had the VHS I forget where we watched it but it blew my mind and I didn't even really know him Like the Hanukkah song came later. Like, I was like, I want to see. And then he came back a couple years. Like that Netflix special where he had that Chris Farley song at the end. It was fucking great. It was fucking amazing.

That Netflix special, I thought, was phenomenal. Listen, I didn't know how to feel about Adam Sandler. Before you met him or after. I'll never forget I had to watch one of those movies. And I'm like, this ain't going to work from me. I can see that. And then here's the thing. Funny thing.

The guy that's directing, take a banana for a ride. Jeff Ross? Jeff Ross has a great one-man show, and that I want to go see. Yeah, me too. The guy that's directing, his name is Steve Kessler. Okay. Steve Kessler is nephew to my main man, Mike Kessler. Oh, I thought the name was telling him.

When I was getting into comedy, he'd always tell me about his nephew, NYU. And then I didn't hear about his nephew no more. Like, what happened to his nephew? And I'll tell you what happened. His first directing job was Happy Gilmore. Fuck. And after three weeks, he went into the studio and said, I can't do this no more. I don't think the kid is funny.

Had him? And they fired him. Yeah. I can see that. That motherfucker didn't work for years. How can you get it? Because he told the truth. Listen.

I was going to say props to him for being honest. When I first watched Adam saying, I didn't know what was going on, I had no idea what was going on. I had no idea what was going on. I watched the one with the kid. Billy Madison. One of them. I watched the kid. See, like that's, I think he was probably four people my age.

Like, he, like, those movies. And now his movies are, like, getting older. But that, that, that movie, happy, Gilmore, Billy Madison, there was another one. Big Daddy. Big Daddy. Those three. Dude, they still, like, those are the movies I, like, if they're on, I have to turn him on. They just, he's just silly.

Like, that's, that's. It was just like the height of, like just being silly. And I honestly don't even know much of his stand-up or I have no idea what he's going to be doing on tour. But it's like, it just, I don't know that to me is I don't know what did it even compare him to for you. Well, I didn't know who the fuck he was. Right. And then I wouldn't even watch that shit. I wouldn't even watch that shit.

I'm not a big sign of that live guy. Right. So Chris Farley and all that, he was whatever he was, and that wasn't for me. So, I just got to call one day that he was directing the longest shot. And I'm like, let's give it a shot. Let's give it a world. And I did everything I had to do. And when I met him for lunch, he surprised the shit out of me.

But not really. It was in a professional environment. It was when I met him for the table read that I was like, oh, I got to pay attention to this motherfucker. because he wasn't your normal actor. He wasn't acting like an actor. Right. And then we did the movie,

and I really got to like him. Like, I watched his scenes. I didn't think he was overly hilarious. Right. But I got his comedy, and I got his warmth, which is really good. And during the movie,

I started watching, like, one of my favorite movies is 50 First Days. Oh, yeah, that's a great fucking movie. That's a fucking great movie. So, but when I watched his Netflix special, I got to ask of them. I was blown away. And until this day,

I thought it was the best special of the year. By hands down. It was a few years ago, right? Listen, man, it's variety stand-up. He comes out with a guitar. He does sketches. He brings his friends up. He does stand-up.

It's a party. He knows how to do it. He's a fucking genius. And that was, like, that one he shot at the entire tour, right? Like, that was, I think, because he had the other guy playing the piano for him.

Somebody. That was a great stuff. It's a great fucking special. Something different. Remember I've always told you? What have I been telling you for you? Something has to change. I hate going to shows with three comedians and an hour.

Something's got to change. He changed it. He changed what I thought you could change. He changed it. Like he just said, this is what I'm going to do. I don't like guitar comedy. Right. I do not like it.

I don't, you know, it's for a certain person. It's for a certain person. Right there. They have to want to be in a band And like that shit drives me Fucking insane Okay Okay

When I You know You always think about the people That are the hard to follow Right And you always think about Oh I'm gonna have a hard time Following Eddie Murphy

I'm gonna have a hard time Following Rogan I'm gonna have a hard time following Bill Burr No No Once you go up there And you stature

I used to have to follow this fucking guy And not only that Like I used to This is a different time I had a different fucking head And I would have to follow this guy That didn't have a joke

Throughout his whole act Nicest guy in the world But then he went in the back And this is 2000 This is 98 This motherfucker would put a Tina Turner outfit The whole thing And sing like a couple Tina Turner song

Listen Nobody could follow this dude Were they laughing after They're just going fucking nuts A fucking standing ovation People dying in the halls Holding on to their hearts And you're like

I work every night And I can't get them to laugh One time This motherfucker puts on a wig Goes out there as Tina Turner And look at these poor white people They're all over the floor They're having a heart attack

giving them a standing ovation. I couldn't figure it out. I could not figure it out. Right. And those are the toughest people, if done correctly, that you're going to have a follow. Because it's not a joke they're following.

They just did, like, a music parody. Right. I was at the comedy store one night, and James Stevens, the third went up. And they fucking hate them. Everybody hated James Stevens the third. Nice guy. The audience or the other comics?

The comics hate them. They called them James Stevens deterred. To his face. James Stephen was a black dude. You guys might remember. He played the piano on the Stephanie Miller show at night. There was a show after Kimmel or, I don't know. This is 95, 96.

So me and Josh opened from Seattle. He's from Seattle. Okay. So I got to meet him and talk to him. Very nice guy. I got to LA. You know, he would sing. He would fucking go up there quite a couple jokes.

And he was good looking. Then to boot, he would sing like, the black singer from New Jack City at the end before they get shot, he's like, I'm not Mary Jay Blige, that's a woman. Whatever's fucking name is. Marvin Gay? No.

Marvin Gay was dead by that. This guy's up there fucking, I want to be, but those black singers, women just chubby black chicks go crazy. So fucking. Specifically. That's who would go crazy.

It's all chubby white chicks and black chick. When Stephen would sing. But one night I saw him at the improv. with a little organ, he fucking flatlined the place. I left that bang in my head on the walking wall. I got to go get an organ now. What the fuck? But one night, he was at the comedy store.

It was like 40 people. And he leveled it. Leveled those 40 people. It had to be 11.30 at night. I'll never forget. Eddie Griffin went up after him. Eddie went right after him. He's like, let's keep it going for James Stevens, the turd, you know.

Oh, no. And all of a sudden he goes, because this is what I'm saying to you. There's some people that flies with, and there's some people that don't fly with it. Don't fly with me. But when he said this on stage, I'm like, thank God. He goes, I don't know that motherfucker. He didn't say motherfucker. He said a different word, a derogatory word used for black people.

He says, his imagination. He said, this motherfucker didn't read the sign. there. This is the goddamn comedy store, not the singing store. I'll never fucking forget that. And was this like the height of Eddie Griffin being a star? This was like the height of it, yeah.

Before he crashed the car. Oh, oh. I can't even imagine. Bro, nobody will talk to Eddie now. Why? Because he crashed that car. It was worth like $300,000. Why do they care?

I don't fucking know, but nobody else gave him work after that. They couldn't put him behind him. fucking wheel of a car. I think what's his name? I don't know the story of him Crashes his car. The father lives in North Pergin. Lady Gaga.

Fucking put him in that movie with the star is born. Blinking and shit, him and Dave Chappelle. But before that, nobody had seen Eddie Griffiths's white chicks or something like that. Oh, my God. Because he crashed those cars.

What cars did he crash? I don't know. He was on the set of a movie, maybe too fast, too furious. And he fucking, and he blew up some cars a 400,000 Maserati or something. Oh, that'd be fucking cool to see. But I can't imagine killing on stage at the store and then a star.

It'd be like me going up doing well and you're going on stage and not in like a lighthearted way, like bad mellow than me. Like that would kill me. Would you work again? What was the set he was on? What was the movie he was on?

A $1.2 million car. I gotta be honest, that must be pretty fucking cool. I get my fucking... $1.2 million. Do you think they charge them for that? I don't know. I think when you crash a $1.2 million car, they pretty much just look at your day to go home.

They don't even want to look at your face. Like, you just crash a $1.7 million car. Rarely got work after this scene. They don't insure. They don't insure. Where do we got home? They don't. They don't, you don't think they insured.

for what it was i thought they were going to make money off of it no this is a guy that sold his own script he wrote a bunch of scripts that he sold i know from i know for a fact he sold daddy's grandma's boy or mama's boy or whatever he sold that that was his script because he was trying to get me in that movie you know he was a good guy to me whatever i'm not saying nothing bad right i'm just letting you know the for some people that shit don't fly dude i've never i've messed up at work but one point two minutes that's that's hard for people to come back from that's very rough but i did and i won't i won't name the guy but i that kind of happened to me at the comedy store i got to do it like if i was by no means it was like a produce

show but i was going up and this guy that i've loved since i was a kid like one of the first comics i liked was going up before me and i had done well at the store previously and he brought me because there are some comics who when they go up all the comics run in to watch them this is not one of them. Lee Syatt and I hit like I was like a year or two in the stand-up and like the first like it was the last time I was at the main room I got like an applause break I came in thinking I was like hot shit the next time he brought me up with that and then it no applause break it was it was I still I'll never forget that I'll never so I can't imagine having Eddie Griffin go off in him for probably like what 10 minutes funny like when I

got to the store there was one guy that wanted drama with me there was one guy that wanted drama with me and every once in a while he would bring me up and say something and i would get him outside and go pretty fucking funny and he was doing it for all the wrong reasons like he had no idea that i would fucking bury him number one he was a fucking a fake biker which i really don't like as it is because a biker i had a fake bike when i kidnapped bella i had the same thing it was a fake biker he had no biker blood in him whatsoever and this guy had no bike of blood in him he had just rode a motorcycle one time and thought it was cool to be a bing dh and all that shit had a leather jacket now forget that i said something to him like the last time he said

something when he brought me up i said something to him well when i went up i goofed on him i said exactly that let's keep it going for the fake fucking biker oh jesus yeah because if you want static i'm gonna have to give it to you at the store it's like prison the first time they smell weakness they're gonna fucking steamroll you the other comics yeah the comic i would i would you know that's the way life is they're gonna steamroll you so that's the way i looked at it you can't take no shit from these motherfuckers especially up here no matter who the fuck they are in the bigger they are the bigger you go at them and everybody will remember it's one of those situations when you're choking them and you come out of you what was I doing just like that

fucking cocaine scene while you're choking them they're like you don't know who I am I don't give a fuck and then they realize you don't give a fuck and it's good to do that so I said something on stage like this fucking guy and when I got off he was outside and I just told him you know you want to fuck them problem I'll give it to you whatever the fuck you want to do so I knew he wasn't real right and I did something that I thought I'd never do he came up one day and he was selling Girl Scout cookies for his daughter and I had a chance to either rob him like that's what I was thinking of doing

like stepping on him like crushing all the cookies like that's how fucking crazy I have okay like just knocking the cookies out of his hand he had the whole table set up and you were going to just like Godzilla or like can't call him and nobody was going to say a fucking word to me

that's how like I just said I was at the store Mitchie Shaw wasn't going to throw me out and Mitchie Shaw liked when I went out of a motherfucker so this would be perfect he did what he stepped on cookies, she would have loved that shit. So I said, you know

what? I'm going to take the hire. And I bought three boxes from him, even though it was my cocaine money. And I'm looking at me. And that's what I knew I fucking had him. I owned him. Right. I could eat them alive after that. And then they stopped getting spots. And I started rising in the ranks. And I had

had him a Facebook message one day to remind him of who the fuck he was messing with. Oh, I love that. And after that, he blocked me. Did he respond to the message? Just a little reminder who the fuck he was messing with all those years Because he ended up with nothing He ended up in San Diego sweeping at my

You know what I'm saying? At 50 he wasn't, he was done He was done His career was fucking done And I was just getting started So I had to send him a little note to remind them What did he say in the note? I haven't seen you up here in a while

I guess my jokes were a lot better than yours mother fucker oh my god how good did that feel to hit send like a new man oh my in fact today i said my arresting officer in boulder he hasn't been posting lately and i saw he posted today but my uh for police con and i go hey what's going on you're going to talk about the kidnapping he won't reply to me whenever i see it's his birthday i write him a big birthday note like you know birthdays on facebook Jimmy, how you doing? Happy birthday. You're still a handsome motherfucker.

John Bonnet all the way. You know, fucking. Dude, I'm... Because he was in charge of John Bonnet Ramsey case. But hold on. What? You friended the cop who arrested you?

I had to. What do you mean you had to? I had to. The other guy won't even respond to me. He hated me more than life itself. The other cop? Oh, there was one cop. He even showed up.

I'm one of my divorce hearing. he even showed up when I smacked John he showed up to testify against me they were all looking at them and shit in case that he wasn't involved in he just hated him I'm saying horrible things to John and my ex-wife and he kept saying put a lid on it sir and I'm like fuck you

last I checked this is amendment number one two three four so hold and you send but you send the cop who lagged you enough to accept the front request but doesn't want to respond to your messages Just, why do you torture? Well, you just find these people. You know what, man?

You arrested me, so now I got to let you know I'm all right. And I'm doing just as good or better than you, bitch. So how you like me now, motherfucker? You didn't make a mistake. You arrested a criminal. But some of the shit you said in court, you were wrong. And here I am to prove you wrong. That motherfucker has never said to me, hey, man, congratulations.

Thank you for doing what you did. Thank you for turning your life around. Nothing. He couldn't say a word. The other guy, listen, I did comedy works on time. And a junior cop worked with me, a guy that worked for Boulder Police. And I told him, I said, you work with that guy? And he's like, yeah.

You're going to see him tomorrow? He goes, yeah, I go, ask him about me. The next day, the kid came in to feature for me. It's like a bunch of comedy acts going front of the comedy. work right I said what do he say you don't want to know and the kid like was standoffish for me the rest of the weekend and the next time I came I called asked the bomb and go he didn't call for spots like no not this week he calls every other week that cop scared him off me but he believed them like he you know what I'm right whatever cop said to him they don't they

don't like if you came to me and said you did something 30 years ago and I'm watching you now the life that you live now you know I'd eat my words I'd say something to you. Hey man, congratulations on what you did. I didn't fucking like who the fuck you were, but I still don't like you. I still don't like you, but I got to congratulate you on what you did. Right. The odds are you turning this around? Well, one thing, the odds of you being in a fucking movie, that's another. The odd of you being in more movies, that was something else. You know what I'm saying? Like, I understand that. I'm big enough to say that to somebody. I fucked up with my judgment. 20 years ago, because I was a fucking

idiot. So now, if you come to me when you're 35 and you say to me, you went to prison and you came out and I see that you're working, you got a wife, you're not doing blow. I got to give you a nod. Because isn't, that's what you'd hope police officers, because in theory they're there, like, and a lot of them are there to, like, protect you and also, like, to reform me. You, that should be the goal of prison, but I don't, I think a lot of these, who knows? Maybe they hold grudges? Like, do you think that's... So do I.

That's why Facebook... Oh, I love it. That's amazing. That's so do I. So do fucking I. How often... Do you like send them articles like with your variety things or anything?

Nothing? How often... I don't need to do that. Just that I'm on the other side that Facebook fucking thing with them. Just that I'm because they predict that I wouldn't be. Yeah? You follow what I'm saying there?

Who else do you have on like the... Fuck you message list I got about 200 people hysterical How do you keep track of all these things How are you doing lately What's going on How you like me now

Those are the best When you're like me now And then do you even like Do you go back and forth with them Or if they respond You don't even talk to them If I tell you something That's even creepier

For all the shit they talked Right They don't respond to me That's fucked up Out of 200, how many do you think respond? Three. Damn. I remember when I first started, like, going on Rogan,

I had kids from North Bergen hit me with eight, and I would fucking tell them, fuck you. And there was, like, a Spanish kid that went after me on Twitter. Like, my father said, you robbed the sneakers and all this. You're still a piece of shit, and I go, your father still works for MWA. And I'm in fucking L.A getting my dick sucked and my balls licked. And he goes, how do you know my father works for him, W.A?

Because you're a fucking idiot for even being on here. And the trap will don't fall far from the fucking tree. For you to even relay that message on a Twitter that your dad says that, you're a fucking idiot. Yeah. You haven't done that in a while. You used to, like, go back and forth with people on Twitter sometimes. I had to.

Old school Twitter was fun. All school Twitter was fun, but then you have to think about, like, why the fuck? Like, listen, man, you wake up in the morning, you get a cup of coffee, you think about your day, you kiss your family, you pet the cat, you fucking feed them, whatever the fuck. You open up your computer and there's some guy like going after you at 7.30 in the morning. A lot of people don't know how to handle that. And the first thing you do where we're from, we're like, hey, motherfucker, you got a fucking problem. And then all of them were the same. They all fold

Right It's just people Trying to get a rise out of you And try Some guy today on Twitter Hey man You gotta start feeding Lee Have you seen Lee

Eat lately motherfucker Obviously You know like You gotta start feeding Lee Like I think I've eaten enough That's why I don't understand That's why I was telling you

You can't read the comment Never Can't look at It's a retardation That is so bad because it makes you think when you do that you'll get eight great comments

and then one that is so incorrect dumb that you have to I don't you have to ask what made that person say that right but what's going on in his life that he's such a fucking loser

because at the end of the day he knows he's a loser this is why he's saying these things I'm 60 two years old I have never fucking gone on something and said I really don't like what you're doing

I think you're against the policy of whatever that would be nice though no no no but compared to the angry messages I don't like you you're against my policy that would be something people tell people tell me to blow my brains out oh yeah dog they'll say shit like that

for oh my god the vacation thing about the vacation i had people so angry about that people took it to the heart the epstein stuff i talk about oh my god and that's how i know we're doing a good job on the podcast right when you get that upset over a fat 62 year old talking about your vacation and who earns a vacation you're not thinking about what i'm saying and if you read the comments and if you saw the way they attacked me for it. You could see that they went on the even standing what I was saying. But you never worked a day in your life. You're flying the one on the road with Rogan.

Okay. I never worked a day in my life. You know what I'm saying? Like they don't understand. Right. But I think the difference with you is like most people, I think, ignore it. Some people, like, go back and forth in, like, a stupid battle. You were fun because you would just, like, obliterate them with, like, six,

words, and they would, like, they'd go crazy. Crazy. I could leave, come back eight hours later, and the guy's still figuring out. And I would go, oh, my God, poor bastard, that's when you know he had nothing to do all day. Right. Uncle Joey here, as you guys know already, football is back, and so is a shot at you guys to win big with Draft Kings, pick six, the official daily fantasy partner of the NFL That's right.

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Listen, there's a podcast with comedians. We discuss what happens in the world. That's what a comedian does. I don't like to get involved in this type of, because then people label me a fucking political, I'm not political, I'm a felon. So before I even go into this thing with you people, just remember one thing this is coming from a felon stamp point last week something

happened in this country that was not good now if you want me to sit here and tell you i know who charlie kirk was i'll tell you i had no idea what this man was i had no idea what this man was did i ever see him before maybe maybe i don't know i don't know that's my uh downfall as a human being living in this country that I tell you people I black myself out from that and I do and I feel very bad for his family his wife he left kids behind I don't know what he stood on in this country I don't know what platform I just keep learning little things he's on the plane with jd vance so obviously he's a Republican he's a young kid whatever what I do know is I saw a chick from my neighborhood that's crazy she drinks and she sings karaoke by herself

Can't wait to see how you connect? And she's got like a little 11-year-old boy. And I opened up my Instagram, and she was on that crying, like tearing, crying. And I remember when it went down, my wife said something to me. I didn't know what I'm talking about. And then you try to put the TV on.

They're saying the guy's bleeding from his neck in fucking Utah and all this stuff. Again, listen, my heart goes out to his family, his kids. Obviously, obviously. the guy was a great guy because fucking people were upset Jack I've seen people die in this country

that lasts one or two days till there's a balloon or crack a barrel changes his name again then it goes away it's fucking Monday I wanted to pay the bill before for something and it's still on TV and there's still people crying so this guy was doing something good

God bless him but I got to tell you something I'm not talking about this for political or whether he was right or wrong Something, when my wife told me I was downstairs writing or something, and I go to this, the first words out of my mouth, honestly, guys, was the world's changing. And it's changing at a rapid fucking, it's just changing guys. You know, fucking, I mean, I know they're in Memphis now, right? The National Guard's in Memphis.

too, yeah. Why they weren't there the last 10 fucking years? I don't know, you know, because that's what you got doing these towns now. Chicago or, you know, I mean, you have how many murders every weekend? North Bergen, New Jersey. I grew up here fucking two murders last weekend, one murder, two shot in middle New Jersey. That's never been a great neighborhood, but nobody's ever been shot in it, okay? That's the project.

That's never been in the, people jump shoot heroin, you know, they work at the MUA, whatever. but but they fucking nobody gets shot rhymes are changing in this country you know and you have to make a note of this you have to make a note of this shit

before you want to go do things from now on like it was an issue years ago but we can't stop living our lives I'm not going to get on a plane because the terrorist is going to get on there I'm not going to not go well I'm not going to go to a fucking

and giant a jet game anyway. But I'm not going to go to a jet game. I'll never go to a jet game. I'm not going to go to one of those, not going to go to one of those games because I'm going to get shot. Right. You know, like right now, you have to think of anybody

who has a platform. Anybody's got a platform. You could be at the fucking, it could be the New York Comedy Festival. You're at Washington Square Park doing the comedy festival and you get shot in the head. And you get shot in the head.

I mean, You know, I know that, and again, this isn't a political podcast. What I'm trying to talk about is some guy got shot, man, for no fucking reason. I think what's happening, because I was in, like, fifth, I think it was in fifth grade when Columbine happened. And it, like, slowly started to happen. But now the sad thing is these things are happening once a month, at a minimum. like I got to be honest with you because when they were

I was watching the news on this and they were talking about when Trump got those two attempts and to be very honest with you I forgot about the second attempt I remember the ear but the there was a whole these happened so fucking off and that you forget about Trump getting shot. No but I'm just saying

these things happen all the goddamn time this is not a fucking tear Trump type of guy no no this is a lower end type of guy I don't know you know This guy, he was on that level, apparently. He was, he was like the next, like a star. Like, that's why they-

I wanted to mention Trump. I would have mentioned Trump. You know what I'm saying? I wanted to keep Trump out of this conversation. But it's not, okay. The fucking guy died. Got shot in an afternoon in Utah of all places. I could see if it was northern New Jersey.

I could see if it was Buffalo, New York. I could see if it was fucking. in L.A., the guy with the flag, shot him and shit. But fucking Utah, you know. And it's just, it's a different world, ladies and gentlemen. On a college campus. On a college campus. You know, I don't know.

I don't know any details of the shooting. You know, again, I don't know much about what's going on. I know they captured somebody. They caught somebody. He's not. His dad turned him in. Yeah, he's not cooperating with. authorities, you know, people are getting, I'm going to have to talk to my wife, seriously.

I'm getting mercy off the computer, guys. In one way? No. Time. Limits. There's got to be limits. There's got to be limits because they said that he got, what's that word? Remember when we used to go to the 7-Eleven and the crazy one?

On Chandler? On Chandler? With the music? Yeah. You'd get rationalized when you went and shop there? Radicalized. Yeah. All you had to do is go in there.

You could be the nicest white guy. Go into 7-11 on Chandler. There was so many ISIS in there. And the music they played, the flute, everything. You come out of there like, fuck America. And then one day, remember, they shot the owner's wife. They got stabbed. Two people got stabbed and murdered.

I knew that fucking. It was no kidding to Chandler. And he's talking about the music. And he's not like, it's not like they had a little speaker or his phone going. It was on the speakers and it was like a party. He was like telling you, go, fuck yourself, where Giyadh? And we're going to blow this fucking neighbor up any fucking day. And it was next to a laundry mat that was open 24 hours.

Yeah. That was just as fucking scary. And it was maybe three bucks from the house, maybe. Yeah, I'm... Laurel Canyon and the channel. Let me just, I can't fucking five years. Like one major street. It was Laurel Canyon and then Colfax.

It's like a long LA, but it's not like a New York block. Laurel Canyon and Chandler. Where would I get off? On the one-on-one? I'm on Laurel Canyon. Jesus Christ. I got to start taking it. I got to start eating beats.

What a beats help with? I don't know. Everybody's eating beats in a gel form. They get their memory back. Oh, it helps them. Yeah, dude. So, so.

Santa. Anyway. Oh! Okay. Now I know. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I got to go past your house.

Yeah, it was right. Pass, Kofax, and then after Kofax, past the hot dog place, past Popeyes, past the yoga place, go past that light. Right. And Chandler was the one that had like with the bus going down the middle,

all the Jews lived on Chandler. I remember going to that place. Yeah. And I would get like snacks or something now. Fuck, yeah. And they used to be like a Japanese hand job place. That was a different 7-11, but yeah.

because this one this one you were exactly right had the it was that and a 24 hour laundromat and you for years like don't go to that 7-11 the ISIS 7-11 and then right before we left a homeless dude was like robbing a 7-Eleven and he stabbed two people like it was 7-Eleven's in LA, like a, like, kind of like a lawless, like, like a homeless people were there. Well, then there was the one we used to torture the guy, the one where the lady was sitting, I put the light in the ride. And she's like, oh, fuck yourself. That's where I met the black hooker that night.

Oh, yeah. Remember the hot chick in the Jeep that started talking to me? And you're like, you know? I'm like, no. What was that like, to hunger and something? No. It was right across from the diner. That was the one from the diner.

Yeah, yeah. I don't remember the street. Up the block when I beeped the horn on them, the Masons. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Next to the YMCA. By the park, yeah, yeah. By the park there.

But, dude, the light, that four lady's eyes, she was just sitting in that wheelchair. Like, I don't know. She was a fake. She was, the wheelchair was just stumped. She was like Eddie Murphy in $40. The wheelchair, not $40, trading places.

Right. The wheel, she was walking around. I would see her walk around. And then she would sit there in a wheelchair. She would push the wheelchair itself. Right. And then sit there like trickier. and asked for coins

and one night I pulled up and I put the light in her eyes just to let her know I knew what she was up to and when we got out of the car she's like oh fuck yourself

and all but we even gave her money I think she didn't want to take it and I can't was that the night that you had me steal the milk carts

and I was fucking paranoid did we steal him from that summer one of them for the for the records I really want to go back to L.A. for a week

one. One week. Okay. And if I tell you what I want to go back to do, you would not believe it. Because if you know me for real, you know what I want to go back and do. Burn some places down? No. Do you want me to guess?

Yeah. Okay. If you knew my torture side, what would I obviously get on the plane to go do? The first one, the first one at some point is. you would drive in your old neighborhood and run over the guy's cones. That's the first thing. Okay.

It's nothing. I would just get on a plane to do that to that guy. Five nights and four nights in a row and then Friday we knock on his bell. And you ask him, if somebody's been running over your cones and we put it on tape

just to see him go, yeah. He disappeared for five years. Nobody touched my cones. We're going to be care. They have cameras now. Who gives a fuck? We're renting a car. We're renting Uber's.

They link that to people. You can't have an Uber driver run over someone's cones. Listen, you get one of those Uber drivers, 50 bucks. One of those Mexican Uber drivers, go right over your mother. They don't give a fuck. Those drive over your mother fuck. They don't give a fuck. Those Arabs got no licenses.

They got nothing. They're like Cubans. They got fake birth certificate. Those Arabs come over, dog. They don't give a fuck. That license. They don't even know who the fuck they are. And try to find them.

Go back to Arabia and try to find them. You think it's hard to find a Mexico? And Mexico, go ahead. Once they got the frolic on the head, what do they call that? So they're going to have to leave America from $50? What do they call that? The Muslim wear? I have no idea.

That should be a new line, Muslim wear. You know what I'm saying? Like terrorist wear, like clothing with shit's on fire. You know what I'm saying? Terrorist. If you're thinking of blowing up, that's your sling. Bab boom. Oh, my God.

Everybody wants to blow up. Do you imagine having their store at the mall? What happened? Like they would have a store at the mall. Oh, my God. The terrorist line. That'd be tremendous, wasn't it? Lee and Joey's Babboom.

Why do we have to own it? We'll let Nick on it. And then we sit and get no money like assholes. That's what the fucking white people said. Why? Why were the Indians? Because we're trying to make a dollar here. Why would we want to want to?

You don't want to make no money. It'd be a little controversial. That's how you make money by boom, bab boom. You don't remember, before you were born, there were these shirts that if you put the shirt on, it would change colors according to your body heat and mood. Okay. That's a, that's, it's called body cap. We bring that back, and we call it body camouflage, knowing before you get blown up,

like that minute before, you know, before you die, you get that last shot of fucking whatever, and EMT, and the third eye goes to work. The same thing, this shirt will let you know that you're about to die as a missile. Like, if you wear this That knows the missile's coming When it starts to change colors That's a fucking good idea I'm gonna shut up

I've been looking for an investment This one is it Hamasware Like something like that That would actually do very well right now Oh my God Hamas wear Yeah

Those are scarves You tell a million scarves And 10% goes to the poor Amaz kids that ain't eating But you don't send it to them No we're gonna sit in to them I don't know 20% Those kids are starving

Those kids haven't seen those guys saw a kid that was 18 he's 5 foot 1 not even he's 1 foot 5 that's what I meant to say he's fucking they're like a foot and a half they ain't even growing they got no nutrients it's like Cuba these kids can't grow right they can't grow that

we're cutting out a whole civilization of these poor kids I mean we're goofing around it's a joke but it's not really a joke no it's not listen Jews got to do what they got to do I'm not mad at Israel or anybody else war is war and oh they're gonna hate this for this podcast it's all right

You can be mad at everybody. I'm mad at Israel. And I went there and like I If people are sending rockets or like There's a lot of reasons Why Israel has to do certain things And like There's no you can't justify the things that are coming out of there

You can justify it to a point And you know what I'm not I'm not saying Hamas is obviously fucking a thousand per they're they're they put hospitals around people they they're you know nobody's right and nobody's wrong that's to leave it at that right but i've never wanted to see kids starve no you want to starve me i got like 80 days you can starve the fuck out of me i got chinese ribs i got fucking stu got i got fat all over yeah but those kids you know it's uh it's a hunger issue and it's a kid issue so i don't care how you feel about different political

things you don't want to see a kid starve no I wouldn't want to see my enemies starve. You know what I'm saying? Maybe a grenade up his ass, but not a kid. You follow me? I have a lot of enemies. I love to put a grenade up their ass. Man on fire style?

Yeah, but they have to be over 30 years old. I'm not here to. More 30s, the minimum, to blow someone up? You know, it's just, like I said, guys, in the beginning of this, all this stuff, the starvation, we're living in a different fucking world. world man and it's not it the old world's not gonna come back it's not gonna get any better I'm not here with negative shit this is just the obvious they just killed a kid on a college fucking campus this could be us this could be you I mean nobody would

shoot and they don't give a fuck but this kid was actually doing something good kids loved him he was doing something for kids I watched an interview with an 18 year old kid the kid was goofy or whatever what would I rather him doing Doing that or selling drugs or doing the stupid shit I was doing. I'd rather than be doing that, the kid. And I don't, I don't, I'm not speaking poorly about anybody, but just the other side of it, there are people who are on a certain political side who don't think he was doing good, but no matter what you think, like,

about what he was doing as a person to get it, like, shot in front of, like, that. That's wrong no matter what. Well, I did hear, like I said, guys, after the pandemic, I stopped trying to watch the news. The pandemic threw me into a fucking state that I had fear. I had a fear or something I didn't see. That's not who I am, you know. So I know I just didn't want to watch it anymore. I don't really catch up on that stuff.

I'm not going to turn the TV on to watch something political. I don't want to get aggravated. But I have heard that. that people were cheering, people from TMZ. Oh, yeah. A lot of people got in trouble. A couple people, journalists lost their job. Like I said, again, listen, we were talking about Danny Merwin guy,

the guy that owned the comedy club. RIP. We made a joke. You know, listen, you can make a joke. But to cheer outside when you're a journalist or something to that nature and cheer that somebody died, again, we're talking about the world changing and I want you to be aware of that

that's all I just want you to not to go wow how could that happen things are happening things you know when we were kids if there was a shooting in Manhattan once a week it's two in the morning what do you think happens in Manhattan

at two in the morning you're giving out flowers what do you think happens in Manhattan people are drinking there's drugs involved and there's guns but now it's every other day there's a shooting somewhere, a kid, this, that. Look at this comedian guy. That's nobody really talked about.

That he had, I mean, I know that kid. I know John Reap. Oh. I personally know John Reap. I don't see a kid. Sunday nights at the store. I know him. This got to be 20 years since I did Sunday nights at the store.

I know that kid a long time. If you're going to, if I'm going on a plane with you guys, and also I look down, there's a picture of him on TMZ, got arrested 11 counts of child molestation. Listen, I know that kid, man. He never gave me, I'm not going to lie to you, he never gave me the field of somebody like that. Right.

And I just want to clarify, just, it wasn't child molest, it was like something online. Nothing physical. child porn, whatever. I know, John. And you know what? I don't agree with what he did. I don't like what he did,

but I got to say a prayer for the guy. You know, I got to go, well, John, listen, man, the devil is working overtime. Just note that. Ever since fucking they shot Kobe, the devil has been working overtime. You don't believe me? Look at the results.

Look at what's going on in the world right now. The devil's working overtime. and there's just so many, look at, there's cities you go into that, you walk in the street and often a van pulls up, I don't know, when you hear, Anderle, Anderle, and people with masks, we're grabbing three people, whether they're, you know, in the old days I would grab you and Mirandize you and, you know, read you the riot act and gave you a minute to whip out your license

and go, this is who I am, blah, blah, blah, blah. We're not even doing that in this country any. no again people voted for that this is what you wanted i don't want this to be a political podcast but think about it we this is not what i paid for all right i thought you were going to stop people at the border i didn't think when i'm eating at rudies you're going to come into rudies and take my favorite clam guy you know what's like where's he going and he's getting taking the way he's going he's going where's me where's he going and that's what's going on right now People eating at restaurants, you know,

you get used to Donatello's and all of a sudden you're there and fucking peppy's getting whipped out of the kitchen while he's whipping up your eggplant rollitini. Oh my God. You couldn't give him 20 fucking minutes. You know what I'm saying? You know what's the dinner?

You know what's the more wild? Is they're sending people to like a rate? Like I don't remember the names of them, but like in Africa. Like they're sending, like they're just sending people away. And can you imagine like if you made it to America, from another country and then like they suddenly you're on a different continent and like

I don't know how like you can't can't walk home like this so wait a second I'm from Columbia I ended up in New Jersey I got a wrestling Connecticut and now I'm in fucking Africa so can you look it up Nick I think I think they didn't even do black people that bad like the slaves they at least took them from one destination to the other these motherfuckers are getting treated like Chinese people in the 20s and shit oh yeah this podcast is definitely getting taken down. This is amazing. Anyway, I just want to, you know,

I really wanted to bring the Charlie Kirk thing up. No, even though I'm not political or politically inclined, he is a human being. Oh, absolutely. And that's what I was talking about. That. Ghana, South Sudan, and Uganda have partnered up with Americans

to accept the migrants of nations that are... Bro, get ready to cut grass and guana. You'll be chasing lizards. There's a dead animal on the street. Did you guys see that tonight? No. What the fuck is that before? Just chubby laying in the middle of the street.

I had to drive over him two times. There was no parking. I mean, I didn't run him over with the tire. I had to run over him real slow. Like, I didn't want to hit him. I thought he was just resting. He was like Joe Pesci and Goodfellas. He was resting.

I know what I'm resting. I'm in the bushes and sea cloaks. Where are you at this week, play? This week, I have a few shows. this week on the 17th and the 19th I'm going to be at Shibis which is at the Three Monkeys Bar

and then on Thursday I'm going to be at St. Mark's at 1030 and don't forget New Jersey September 26th the Dojo I'll be headlining Yes sir I got some shows

I got the 24th at Levity there's a wait list so there's no fucking wait list in my world I had October 8th to you animals, so I'll see you on Levity, October 8th. And that's all I got right now.

You guys know the schedule. You got November 8th. Where are we? Is that Virginia? MGM in D.C. Then on the night before Thanksgiving, we're at Philadelphia, Parks, Casino. And then December 6th, 5th, we're at Virginia Caesars.

in Virginia. So get your tickets on sale right now. I got Staten Island coming. I got Tampa coming. I got a couple things coming. But for right now, just focus on October 8th. That's all you need to know,

Levity Live, all right? And September 26th, my little penguin buddy over here. Lee Syatt. And we love you, and that's it. Thank you for supporting the Monday Night Football. I was going to say.

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