Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - If you're walking on ice you might as well dance

Episode Date: April 28, 2026

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt go deep talking about Joey's surgery getting canceled last minute, his recent health scare, why Joey hates pain so much and more.   SHOW NOTES: Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now & turn $5 into $100 in Bonus Bets when you press in code JOEY @ https://www.draftkings.com/mobileapps Order a bouquet of roses & get another bouquet free @ http://1800Flowers.com/JOEY Buy 2 months of BlueChew Gold & get your 3rd month FREE when you use promo code JOEY @ http://BlueChew.com/  

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here with his trusset sidekick, Lee Syatt, aka Kato, for another tremendous episode of the Church of What's Happening now, New Testament. Oh, there we go, fuck that. There you go, you know what I'm saying?

We've been gone for a long time. No, we haven't. Last week, 420, I forgot. It felt like two weeks ago, but 420 was fantastic. I want to thank Rhythm. I want to thank En. J. Leaf, rooted, all the places that I vigor, all the places I go to visit on 420. Had a nice 420.

You did, you did a little rounds and went to some stores? That only went to one store. I was in a rush all day. I wasn't feeling good. I was still nervous. Did they have like events? In L.A. It was like a big thing.

They always be like hot dog store. Yeah. They had events in my area on Saturday. We were in Nashville. Oh, yeah, yeah. By the way, if you came to the shows of Nashville, Thank you. We love you to death.

There was a great show. I was honored. When I looked down, I saw the church windows. I was like, God damn. All right. We're the fucking church. But it was beautiful. The city was great.

And that's it. What's up with you, Tazan? Dude, we should tell them, I thought, I thought for sure I wasn't going to be in Nashville or if I was going to be on Spirit. The first time, I've been with you since 2012. This is the first time ever I was, I know. This is, oh, I was, and I thought I was cool.

I had, listen. There's times when if you tell me you're late, I'm like, oh, you know what? Just show up in my house. I'm canceling anyway. Fuck it. We'll go tomorrow. I thought you were going to be like on the plane already. One little bit of a bad omen.

Like, Lee, I don't know if I'm going to, Jesus Christ, I don't know if I'm going to make it. You know what? You're right. We ain't going to make it. Fuck it. We'll leave tomorrow morning. Gives me a chance to go cop a bag. Just sleep on my couch.

I'll be back. Oh my, I should have. You got 40 bucks? Never. I always hit you up for the small 40. I got it in fives. Oh my, but you like, yeah. Because like, dude, when we used to go places, I never, like, remember we went to the UFC?

And then we didn't, it was like a Robbie Lawler fight. It was in Vegas. It was like right when we started hanging out. And I, we, I think you did a show. And then I stayed at like a weird, like, you're like, listen, if you can get a hotel room for another night, I have like floor seats at the UFC was like an early Robbie Lawler one. But at that point, you weren't watching the main events. So like, and I knew that if I didn't go up with you, I was, there's no way I was going to get out of the, of the arena.

So like anytime we went anywhere, I, like, I stood next to you like this because like you would have left me places. No, and you would have felt you would have called me later to make sure I was okay, but you would have left me places. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you put bad information. What do you mean I don't stay for the last event? Oh, I'll never forget it. It was a raw, and I think you, you stayed, but we watched the fight on like, you know, the TV screens by the concession stands, like the little 19-inch prison TVs?

Then look, we were like, we had like probably 10 rows from the fucking cage seats. Here's the way I look at it. Here's the way I look at it. And there's honest to God, my brother George, once a month, he has to, as a dear friend, he's got box seats and they feed you, they bring your sushi, cocktails. Okay, let's be honest with ourselves. Nine innings is not going to happen.

Okay? Why not? Because I'm going to tell you what's going to happen. There's no, if you told me, listen, when you get there, the game starts at 715, but get there at 645, they're going to have a light cocktail hour with sushi. Okay?

Right. That's 45 minutes until the game starts. Then they're putting out something else. But then when you go in there, it's sandwich food. I don't care. It's a nice brisket. It's a nice prime rib. Whatever you like on a little sandwich just to keep people enthused.

But if I walk down there in the first inning and there's crab legs, lobster tails, there's spaghetti. On a third inning, I'm uncomfortable. I'm sitting like a fuck. And, you know, and God forbid if somebody scores four runs, there's no reason. Right, but I'm talking about. There's no reason. I get that a little bit, but we're talking about UFC.

It's the same shit. How? Because you want me to sit in a very good seat, right? We're in a very good seat. Right. Right? So now the fight ends, everybody, whatever, the retards. And now everybody's like waiting, fool.

Well, I don't need to wait for him to tell me. look at the guy's eye you get Ethan the older let's sit around and wait for the result I don't need that shit When Bruce Buffer was screaming We were already upstairs They were closing the concession stands

And we were just staring at the TVs Because I want to get up there Before anybody else does bro You're not going to get out of there If you're in that level down below I got caught there a couple times Oh, I understood why you did it It's 35 fucking minutes

Mine people fart Yeah no not tonight. So the last fight, I let them come out. Right? If you have Draftkins, you can bet right there. Right? And right there, what are you?

First of all, let's get something straight. When you're at a UFC fight, bro, you're going to look at the fucking screen. 65% of the time. Oh, of course, yeah. Okay? The ring's right there. That could be right there punching each other to death. And you're going to watch or what, but then they're going to go to the other side of the ring.

And there's going to be a fucking bar with those strings. blocking you. So your neck goes right up, okay? Oh, yeah. So I always said the best levels are the ones when Anderson Silver kicked that dude in the face and he broke his jaw and he went down. And R.E did acid that night. Oh, shit.

And we sat in the middle looking down and it was exquisite. Right. Exquisite. Like, I have a dear friend. She wants to go to you. And I told us, I said, listen, they want like 10 grand for those seats. And you're going to be looking at a fucking screen. If I had the 10 grand, I'd go and sit out there like Johnny Boom Beach, like Drake with the gold chains.

You know, I don't need that in my life. Right. I'm very comfortable in my house and who the fuck I am. I don't need to be a UFC fight to show you. If Joe wants to tape me, I go. Right. But I'm not waiting to the end. And in those days, that arena was connected to a hotel.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You probably watch the ending on the TV and your room. You go upstairs. By the time you get to your room and the winner is, and right away, you're wrong that number.

I got 35 minutes for Rogan to get off the back. He's back there giving interviews. So there ain't nobody, Devin was just walking around in circles. The other idiot, what are we going to do? What time is Joe going to come? Just go to your room. Roll a joint, take a shit,

wipe you, maybe bang one out. Get excited, get some hunger going because you're going to go out to dinner. There's always a plan, man. Why be like everybody else? What does he say, Mitch Hedberg? Be yourself, Turkey. I drew you.

I never heard that one. That's funny. That's a brilliant Mitch Hedberg joke. Oh, my God. So you don't, like, it's funny because you always... Oh, here it is. Here it is. Like, you ever go to a supermarket?

You see turkey salami, turkey ham, turkey soup, turkey this, turkey baloney, turkey cheese. Turkey, what's wrong with you? Just be yourself, little brother. I drew you. That's the fucking joke. That's a great joke. That's a classic mid-ed-Hedberg. But, you know, I want to save on time.

You know, what people don't know is when you go to a Dodger game, there's only one road out of there unless you jump off the fucking cliff. Yeah, that's terrible. There's one road out of there. And you got to sit there to the ninth inning. First of all, those people are not fans of anybody. They all have their $80 Dodger hats And they go blue and

Listen, seventh inning, They're scared of Mexicans Oh yeah They get the fuck And the sun goes down You see those heavy-duty white people Leave fifth inning

They take off By the time to By the time it's the Seventh inning stretch It's all Mexicans Out there You know Oh yeah

The bleachers are fun Huh? The bleachers are fun The bleachers are all that shit's fun But nobody sits at a Dodger game Now that doesn't mean me For me, I would leave a Dodger game because I like Dodger game. At night, it's the prettiest fucking stadium to sit there and watch a baseball game.

You can talk all this shit you want about the Dodgers, the team. There's no nicer stadium in fucking April. Fucking Ralphie Mae, God rest his soul, took us to see Clemens 20 feet away. We had to leave. We had to leave. He came in with an edible cake, a bag of edibles he walked into it, right to the bottom. I mean, we were like three rows up. the sun was so hot we had a leave we were melting we were red my legs were

peace my one arm because I kept moving back how big were both of you guys at that point big in the fucking day game on edibles oh my god that stadium is beautiful but bro but if you leave at the ninth inning you're dead yeah you're dead first you got might get beat up by somebody remember that the guy from San Francisco they fucked them up. And it's bumper to bumper to you hit like the 101. That's 40 minutes.

So now, because you wanted to watch the last two innings, I can't fucking do dick for another hour until I get home. Fuck that shit, guys.

What do you have to do? Like, you always mess with George. He doesn't sit still. Neither do you. What do you mean, sit still? What are you just talking

you know, how you can't do stuff for another hour? What are you going to do after a Dodger game? Okay, after a Dodger game, it's 1130 at night. Yeah?

I want to go to sleep. I gotta get up fucking early in the morning. Oh, I thought you had stuff to do. So now you're up at 6th of the morning with your dick in your hand. That's why. So sometimes you want to get home early, so you get that extra fucking hour so you don't walk around or mopey the next fucking day. Yeah.

Especially now. I don't have the patience unless I bet something that it's a nail by the game that I got to stay, like ninth inning, the fucking 4-4 World Series type shit. Then you stay like an idiot. see what happened. You're taking the day off the next day anyway. Right. What about playoffs? If the Knicks and the Celtics play each other, I might have to, I might try to go to one of those. Good for you. What do I give a fuck?

No, but like, would you go to a playoff game? Like, is that different? Would you stay for that? I have a lot of vices. Like, we all do, we have a lot of vices. My vices are like health stupidity and shit. So before I drop 800 for a ticket to see the Knicks or 500 or 500 or 5,000 to sit with... Is it going to be that much? To sit with Fat Joe and make believe I'm somebody I'm not.

You know, sit with, you know, the director Spike and throw shoes. That's not what I want to do. And if I sit up top, I'll get tortured. Yeah, God damn. If I sit in the middle, I get tortured. I didn't think about the price. I get tortured.

Yeah. I go to back room after those sporting events. I got guys behind me. Grown fucking men standing there while I'm fucking peeing. Are you Joey D? No, no, I'm fucking Mohammed Zambiba. You know what I'm saying?

What the fuck is wrong with you, man? Have people ever talked to you with your dick in your hand? All the fucking time. No, they don't do that. I get hot. I get fucking hot. Let me give you an example. Let me give you an example of shit.

I don't know if you guys noticed. I didn't tell any of you guys. I started having problems breathing on Thursday night. Oh, Jesus, dude. Went to the boxing gym and I'm like, you know, the day they canceled the fucking surgery. it probably started Wednesday. I was having a hard time breathing.

I thought it was the anxiety from the fucking surgery. But once they canceled the surgery, which will get to Friday, I didn't, you know, Mercy went to Hershey Park to do two concerts. So it was just me and my wife.

I'm like, I'm not sitting in that fucking house with my wife in the basement watching, no. So I did what I had to do Friday. I didn't feel good. Oh, you're going to love this story. I didn't feel good. Like, I went into, oh!

I went into Dick's sporting goods, and I had to leave. I couldn't keep it together in there. Like, I just had to walk out. He couldn't breathe? There's a guy in there who his second cousin grew up in North Bergen with us. He played football. Good kid, Bromano. He came over, and he goes, Joe, you okay?

You know what? I ate, and I just don't feel good. And I did eat breakfast. I don't eat lately breakfast. I just eat half a jar of yoga. with blueberries, raspberries, and blueberries. Oh, you had hated yourself a few years ago. I know.

I can't eat eggs, don't know. That's crazy. But what do you tell? Hold, let, what do you need to feel good? I was having a hard time breathe. All right? So now my wife has an idea. She goes, do you want to go see the Michael Jackson movie?

I go, you know what? What time? She goes, 6.30. I ain't got the pace that's the 6.30. Let's go out 445. So we went to the 445. Didn't start, though, 5.15. Oh, I know. The worst

fucking things they put on me. There was only one movie I would go watch out of the nine that they fucking showed. That's crazy. Horrible. It's half an hour. I haven't been in a while. I didn't know it was nine. It used to be like 15 minutes, which is perfect. And then Nicole Kidman comes on and AMC. Oh yeah.

It's like 35 fucking minutes of the bullshit. But you know, I was feeling a little fucked up. And if you're walking on ice, you might as well dance. No, Jesus. I took one of those 500 milligram ones. I got a bag of the blue ones.

And I ate two fucking taffies. That's 700 just to get in the car. And I get outside of my wife's like, oh, no, you're driving. I'm like, fuck it, let's go. We shot to the movie. Bro, when I get to, I pull up already, my wife's like, why are you parking crooked? I go, am I crooked, really?

I didn't know. I was already three sheets to the wind. And I was still fucked up from Thursday. All right. Let's get the Thursday in a minute. But Friday, we parked, but we usually parked. And when I walked into the theater,

I couldn't make it in. I had to stop. I make believe when you guys call me. George, hello. I couldn't even do that. I was breathing heavy. No, I goes, you okay. You know what?

This is the same thing tomorrow. Let's just go to the hospital. I won't take Vegas, and I'll just hold out for Atlantic City, August, because I have to push the surgery back, you know. They're not going to let me have surgery congenial fucking heart failure. So, dog, I'm sitting in this Michael Jackson movie

and it was entertaining. We'll talk about that later. Important things to talk about now and shit. And I can't take it no more, though. I got to pee. And I get up to, my wife got, like, close to the move with the screen. But on the right side, there weren't a lot of people there. I mean, it was a better amount

The other movie I've gone to see there. There was a lot of people there. I mean, I think it did 37 million on fucking Friday. That's amazing. That's a fucking amazing. Like, they're fucking sucking big black dicks in Hollywood right now. Yeah, they did great. That movie did a lot more than 37 million.

200 million? Yeah. Wow. You got to put a pirate or fucking or an ATI or a Marvel comic. Yeah. So. The only movies that work, but I want to talk. Yeah, I keep going.

So I am sitting in, I got a pee dog. I get up to pee. By the time I'm halfway there, I can't fucking breathe, guys. I got myself out of that movie theater by Will. And I don't know, the embarrassment of falling down on the movie theater. By the time I got to the pisser, I just stood there for like 10 minutes and just pissed and tried to catch my breath. I'm like, that's it.

I got to go to the hospital mall. I had an anxiety attack like I never had before, man. I had to sit down on. Why are you smiling? I took 700 milligrams. That's what did it. So I sat there. I must have missed 15 minutes of the movie.

I was just sitting there like the fat chick at the prom. I was just waiting. You did. See, you told me part of this story. Wait. Well, you told me the funny part of this story. You just told me that you saw the movie and then you went up to Pee and just didn't sit with your wife for the rest of the movie. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I walked back in the movie theater. I looked down to see where my wife was, and there was a chair right there. And I sat right there. There was nobody around me. There was some kid in a handicapped chair. You know, I had like the stool and the fucking donkey. He had the whole thing over there in the corner. I sat there and my wife, are you okay?

She kept texting me. I go, I'm right in the back of the theater. It's just not where it going down there. Because I don't know when this movie's going to end and whang him to boy. If I walk down there and he gives out one of those, he-hoo-hoo, I'm going to be pissed like a motherfucker. I'm going to be fucking furious. So I'm going to sit right here.

And I'm waiting for him to see some molestation. But nah, they didn't show to that shit. They didn't show the little boys running from his room. And Michael, and Michael Chase on him with a fucking monkey. So Thursday was the best, ladies and gentlemen. Because I grow like this. This is my life on a daily fucking basis.

You kid. Well, I'm sorry. No, I mean, we just, we didn't finish how you're feeling now, or do you want to tell Thursday first? How am I feeling now, right now, today? Yeah, you just said at the movie thing, like, I go to go to the hospital tomorrow. Did you go to the hospital? No, I found those pills that my wife gave, the hospital gave to us. They gave me prescription.

Okay. They were in my shaving cabinet, and it's the pills they give you when you have to drain water from your body. Okay. So my lungs are really congested. That's how I knew something wasn't. So I started taking those. Today's the third day. So yeah, today's the third day.

Are you feeling any better? You got to pee like a racehorse. Everything comes out of you. Okay. I went to the gym today. I made it, down 45 minutes. So that made me feel a little better. And now, again, I'm not all there.

I need a little nap. I need another eight-hour fucking night tonight. Okay. Jesus Christ. We'll be ready for the surgery. What happened Thursday? All right. So Thursday, I get up.

Right away the surgery is at 10.30. I know it's going to be a fucking problem. Why is that? That's like taking a 1030 flight. I don't like it. I don't like it. You want the first surgery? Yeah.

I want to be in that seven. I want to get you fresh. A cup of cough. Maybe your wife sucked your dick. I want to catch. Maybe your husband ate your clip before you came down there. Everybody's happy. Everybody's singing songs, holding hands.

Goodbye. Ah. Now, 10.30. So now I got to sit there in suspense. Then they tell you that bullshit you can't eat. Listen. What am I, Gandhi? I'm eating, okay?

Stop. So I ate a little bit of yogh. A little bit of fruit. And I went fucking down there. Because I knew it. They always do this to me. They made me go down that 10.30. They talked to me real quick.

They put me in the back. They shaved my leg. They fucking connected me to electronics. They gave me a bunch of tests. They asked me. more questions than I ever been, you know, I had to call my wife, she had to come, and then the lady gave her the questions. So now they're like, yeah, you're probably going to go in there about one.

It's 12. And they come back now and they're like, we're shooting some vitamins in you, some antibiotics and the IV. You know, I already had the IV in me from the time I got there, so they were just doing whatever they were how to do. I was watching whatever, listen to music with the fucking phone. And all of a sudden they go, listen, we're about to give you, your first block, which is the leg, where they take the nerve and they shut it in your leg.

I don't know. They did that. Okay. Me neither. Yeah, they did it last time. They did that to me when I first heard it a couple weeks ago. And then we're going to take you in there, dope you up even more, and give you an epidural block. That's when they shoot you right in the spine.

Yeah. And they numb you from the waist down. So even if I get a heart on, I ain't feeling it. You know what I'm saying? It's like a ghost. J-O-S-T Gost And you got that

Or you were about to get that I was about to get that So they came They gave me a bunch of pills And one of the pills Was oxycodone 20 milligrams And I don't really do oxies

I only get them when I got pain When I did my ear The surgery He gave me like Fucking a jar of them I eat them like two nights And then I give them away To my neighbor

Because I don't want those things around That's why I'm working worried about my fucking knee. I have to go back and make that Michael Jackson T because they told me there's a certain RSO that kills pain. But you don't want to do any pills? After fucking three or four days,

those pills turn you into a fucking zombie league. Really? You're a fucking zombie. Okay. You can't shit. You know, if you take one of those, three or two of those, dog, next thing you know,

you're backed up. And you just feel fucking weird. Listen. Am I going to lie to you? That night in the hospital, I'm planning a big party. They give me everything. Morphine, because they're taking the rod out of my leg, and they're putting a new one in. So that means pain.

Uncle Joey likes a lot of things. A lot of things, but not pain. I don't want fingers in my ass. I don't want nothing to go wrong. Can you have them do that to you when you're having surgery? I could, but I don't want that. How about when you get surgery? I'll have them TNZ

your little Jew asshole when the doctor puts a half a plunger in there How you like that? You fuck. I don't like it, but that's from the sleep. One of those yarmulchah plungers, you know what I'm saying? It's on top. It's on top.

Oh my God. And then 15 minutes after they give me the oxy and the other shit. The doctor comes on. I got bad news. Mr. Diaz. He's a great guy. He's a great guy. It wasn't his fault.

Yeah, but that's a bad way to start that. I didn't feel good about the sanitization in the room. So I'm calling the plug. I got another spot next Thursday. You're more than welcome to get your surgery then. I didn't even say nothing. I just looked at the floor and I was like, because you cannot get mad anymore.

In today's society, guys, you cannot get injured. I'm not angered. I'm going to tell you why. because customer service is to a all-time low. I don't know what happened after COVID. They just hired people that never had work experience before. And you could see it when you go in and you sit there for an hour with no water and they're on the phone showing baby pictures to their fucking,

look at my grandson. Listen, I'm over here dying a fucking nurse. You know, I don't give a fuck about your ugly grandchildren. That's the side of you ever go to CVS lately? The Mongoloids they got in the front counties? They don't speak English. They don't know. Over here.

Over here. Don't even go to the one on Edgewater Road. That's like little fucking Niberia. That's like Australia in 1890. They got every criminal in the world working on that scene. Everything's locked up. You can't even get gum. Oh.

They got to get my fingerprint to get like fucking change and shit. Custom of service is done, ladies and gentlemen. and wait until you get older and you start needing doctors and calling doctors, you're going to see how fucked up. And then we got this poor guy. There was the,

I don't talk politics, but I got to talk about this shit. The correspondence, dinner, and listen, the best thing that could have happened is somebody could have shot RFK. He's got to be stopped. That poor bastard.

How can he be on? All right, come on. You're supposed to be the health minister. You over here, twitching. That's why I stopped doing Coke because I was getting those twitches. What the fuck is going on in the world?

How can he be the health defense whatever the fuck is? He's sitting there fucking losing his collar and shit. Come on guys. Have we just fallen off the fucking face of the world here? What the fuck?

I haven't been to that. CVS by my house. Because the last time I used to go there and feed the cats. Oh, it's that CVS? That's so sad. Yeah, they come out at night since I moved there. Right. The Hindu, the skinny one, I love the debt. The one with the wig, he always makes me weight and he drives me fucking crazy.

And he was like a salesman of the month, so he thought, how about you donate the dollar through cancer? No. How about through the heart-dham causation? No. Would you like to mince there on sale? Listen, you fuck. Just ring up the nicotine.

gum and find me a coupon in that fucking... And then last time I went, they had something. Again, I don't want to say what it was, but it was something. Okay. In the middle, it was a half man, half woman with a tattoo on her face. I'm like, this is not...

And this is Route 9 at 8.30 at night. Like, this is a scene from... You ever see that... Watch the original blob, the lighting. When Steve McQueen goes to the dude, the dude's the barber, Mr. Bocaloo. And he's like, I cut of your hair. And also, they're looking at the door.

And he said, just the way the lights hit. It was just like that. That's crazy. What? I've never heard anyone describe them as a half man, half woman before. Dog with fucking blue eyes. And I thought it was, oh, the rat, 69, whatever's name is. Six-nine Tickatashi.

Oh, the rapper? What the fuck is going on, people? And it is, it would, like, I have. I've had a little bit of experience with going to the doctor over the last couple years. And nurses and doctors, you know, it's probably annoying. But you're like, if he doesn't want to do it, let's fucking, let's wait a week. I'm just okay. I wasn't even, dog, the only person who exaggerated my wife, you know, they turn into a liberal.

Why is this happening? Terry, it's happening. It don't matter. But the funny story is, I left it. I got really hungry. I said, let's go to Crown Palace. I'm going to tear it to some shrimp and lobster sauce. Bro, by the time I got the town palace, I'm like, fuck, I'm fucked up.

And I'm like, oh, shit, that fucking oxycotton is fucking me up. I was scratching and shit. I got a little itch in my back. I must have scratched it for eight hours the other night. At the end, I had the cat. I took the cat's paw and just used it. Fucking unreal. That.

Un fucking real. And listen, men, guys, I went to the hospital today to the pre-registration so they don't ask me creepy questions. Okay. For example, here's what happens. When I went to the hospital, they didn't have no antibacterial.

They don't use antibacterial cream at the hospital I went to. I don't know if that's not. Lady goes, we used Vaseline. So she brought a little jar to Vaseline to my room and I put the Vaseline on my ear. When we left,

we had a bunch of prescriptions we had to pick up. You know, we haven't shown. for the prescriptions. I mean, you know, whatever. There's some shit. There's one thing that's 6.30 a month I got to pay for. Thank God I know my neighbor and she gets a coupon for me.

They knock it down to like 69. That's a lot better than 631 a month. Especially when you're paying 3Gs a fucking month for insurance. That's the fucking going rate with a family today. So I run through it. You know, there's like eight prescriptions. I mean, you got an hospital. Like 400.

dollars and the lady came with six little bags and this big bag you're not going to believe this you're never going to fucking believe this you know wasn't that big bag like a fucking bitty type vaseline like it was still the good stuff the old label for what for my ear they tried to sell me a tub for $149 or some shit and I'm like I ain't taking that tub And like, but what do you mean? The doctor, listen, I ain't the $1.49. Fuck and I go to dollar store and get hookers doing every fucking day. They ain't a hooker that cares about, they ain't a hooker that pays for that shit at Costco like that.

That's for somebody who takes it in the ass like in a house that that's all that's allowed. Nobody has a pussy. It's just a gay home. And that's 10 people fucking a night for 10 fucking years. It's on top of Vasily. Anyway, the point of it. The story is every time you go to a hospital visit, that tax on to your record. So every time you go to a certain doctor, they sit you down and they run you.

You still on this? Listen, and I tell them every time, do you see my wife here? If you don't see my wife here, knock it off. Don't even ask. Well, did you take siren tell? I mean, it's like fucking what I tell you. If you want to talk to my wife, here, talk to her. Knock yourself out.

She'll text you to the medication. But if I'm not here, don't ask me about this. shit. And every time you go, you get my wife on the phone. No. Oh, Jesus, take that off. It's just bullshit. They just keep tacking on. But that central doesn't tell the other ones what to erase. So every doctor you go to, you got to start from scratch. So the other day, when the operator, me, my wife, and my daughter, the doctor's like, I'm going to ask you some questions. And she's like, are you still on the Vaseline? And I'm like, no. And then she goes, are you still on Viagra? I'm like, no.

My wife goes, it was like three tablets five years ago. Then I got on the black market the shit the Russians do. You know what I'm saying? I got the shit Puerto Ricans do. Fucking eight kids. And like how, how much are you eating before? Like you started with that and we didn't even get to talk about it. You told them, they told you not to eat and you still ate.

Eat what? You said you ate yogurt. Don't listen. That's a control thing. All right. How do you know that? If things get so bad and I blow a little fart, it's just a little grape jelly and a little couple fucking granola bits.

I don't even worried about you farting. I eat this much, Lee. It's a, it's a yogurt thing like this. I take half of it. I'm not a fucking animal. I just want some in my stomach because the surgeries, they tell you at 10.30, but I'm still sitting there at one. I'm fucking dying at one.

And so would you. I know. They're about to shoot you. They can only give you fucking water. and then you're going to wake up and they can give you ice cubes for a half hour. Then the first thing they show up is with a fucking turkey sandwich that's drier than your asshole

and fucking, you know, I'm ripe bread that's two days old. I need that in my life, so I want to prepare. I'm going down a deep tunnel. My body's about to get fucking opened up and you want me to fucking go there starving. And listen, I know, Joey, you're a fat fuck. You got plenty of food in the Senate of leaders.

Whatever I can't. This is sadly elitist. Sounds like a band. Yeah, whatever the fuck it is. Oh, my God. Now, I'm sent to that shit. I'm going to take... You got to assume I'm going to take

three or four big needles while I'm awake. All right? That alone. Like, I told my wife the other day, I go, people have no idea how much courage I have to must her to do this shit. Like, as I'm driving there, I'm like, I can just make a thing.

a U-turn. My wife will be mad at me for a two days, three days, tops. I don't because I know the responsibility of that. But if I was 20 years ago, it would just be day-to-day,

like you see me, hey, you did the surgery? No, I told them to go fuck himself. I don't want to do no surgery. I'll do it about a year or two. Then six months later, you're fucking crying. So that's why I'm doing the surgery. Because at first I was like,

that's a sign from God. Maybe I'll shoot stem cells from fucking Egypt. Or a monkey's fucking foot or something like that. But then I go, this is a bone thing. It's a rod and a fucking bone. And when the lady shaved me, she goes, Joey, I don't know if you could see, you're bruised under that.

So there's things, like I told you guys, I don't think this thing will make it until Thursday. I'm telling you, every day is a little more. Today I was doing dead lips. And I'm like, why? Because I got to get my body prepared for fucking war on Thursday. So do top. I'm not a young man.

I'm an old man. So I got to be prepared. Testosterone, everything. The TB, I got to be recovery mode. Fucking, I got the thing Thursday, and by Monday, they're going to send a lady to my house on Saturday and Sunday to do physical therapy. Then Monday, I'm going to go to hyperbaric chamber

and sitting there for an hour. Just sitting there with some music on, a couple fucking oxies, Pink Floyd. Breathe in the air. I want to get your doctor on the phone. What are you going to tell the doctor? What's he going to do? They can't stop me.

I understand that working out of being healthy before the surgery is good, but stuff that doesn't use the thing that's about to snap. Why? Listen, if I was walking around, I wouldn't try to snap it. But as the saying goes, if you're walking on ice, you might as well dance. It snapped. You take me to the hospital. You come 10 minutes later.

I got 8 IVs and me. I'm talking about Cuba, 1962. I was a young man. I don't know nothing. You know what I'm saying? Oh my God. Yeah. It's all going to work out, Lee.

Why live if you're not listening, Lee? God damn it. That's the problem. Everybody plays is so fucking safe anymore. I'm already half dead. We're dead. Lee, George, we're half dead. You guys are still young.

Me and this guy here, we got days. We got days. It could be 7,000 fucking days. Or it could be 10 days. One never knows. So why not? I'm going to die with an empty stomach like some fucking guy and got arrested by ice. You know, I got none in my stomach, but fucking writs crack.

And go, fuck. And then after they canceled surgery, which they were very nice. If you notice, I haven't, this kind of shit happens. But the lady goes, you're hungry, right? She goes, I'll bring you some food. two packages of saltine crackers one blueberry muffin and two things of apple juice

nothing fit there I have the crackers what am I going to dip it into right why did you send me crackers for what is I didn't even get surgery you're going to send me crackers I better see some cream of broccoli soup something up in this bitch

oh my God now let's take a little breather here I got to get up And P. Lee's got to do his thing. We'll be right back. We'll talk to you about a couple things. Mother's Day, Draft Kings, and Bluchew. Ha!

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This is one of the most exciting things that's ever happened to me in all my life. I can't even describe it to you the look on my face when I got it. What happened? Bigger than anything. I don't care about this is bigger than the comedy store for me, the birth of my daughter, all that's nonsense compared to what happened on Saturday. What happened? I got my handicapped parking sticker.

I'm living like a fucking doctor. And, you know, they said it was six weeks if you send it in. I didn't catch my wife. She goes, bring it down a freehold and they'll fucking do it. And then it's cheating less time. Bro, it was like, I walked in, your number 151. I sat down. 151, go on window number two.

I went over. She looked at it. Pop, pop, bye, you got your license. Bob, okay. Go back and sit down. We'll call you right back. And I thought it was going to be like some paperwork to say I received the receipt to

Jose Diaz walked up. There it was. The handicapped dog, you should have seen me walking out of it. You thought I was Rick James after the super freak out. You know what I'm saying? Dog, I was so fucking happy. I just see myself cutting people

off going to like that whole night I was like fantasizing like all the scenarios and me like waving at people. Vote for me and pulling right into a fucking handicapped. But, yeah. Oh, like on the way up, Nick saw me. What happened was I was listening to a song.

I think it was Def Leppin' fucking stage fright. And I passed the block. And I'm like, is that the block? And I go, fuck, I passed it. So the awesome thing is like, you pass the block. You pass, listen, shut the fuck up. Make a left. Like, I ain't making no left.

And right there's a right. It's coming down. You can go up that hill. I make the fucking right. I'm going up to the hill and I'm going to go all the way around. Gas is 80 to fill my tank. You know what I'm saying? I got to drop 80 to fill the tank now.

I'm going to make a trip all around the block. I just pulled down that one rotor, as my man, Fernie Bossa Sudo said, and I'm going to you turn. Nobody saw nothing. You and George came walking out. He came. He's like, I saw you make that turn down the road. I go, no, that's why I've been doing it.

I've been telling you I do what the fuck I want at this age. there's always an excuse I got a pee I couldn't see I got a shit I got no diapers But this thing only gives you parking privileges Like this doesn't mean you can like go the wrong way down Listen it gives me everything privilege If there ain't no parking that means I park on the grass bitch

Right in front of the fucking joint Oh my god So you better have a handicap parking for Papa This is when you pull up the valet and go Ready you get oh fuck you I got a handicap You pull right in front of them come out bopping And shit what? Oh, you don't have to do valet anymore?

And forget about the damage I do at stadiums. You know what I'm saying? Right there. Beepie. Everybody's like, go, Jets. You're going to eat a hot dog. Right there. The steps are right there.

Put the neck brace on. You know what I'm saying? Because you've got to add the neck brace for full effect. Please tell me you have a neck brace. It's not just a handicap sticker. If you're going to fucking sell it, you got to sell it. That means I got out of a car with a limp, like one of those little things, Twitches, like the janitors in my grammar school that would,

that little body would shake, like a half a retard. But I'm going to die. Oh, my God. Jesus, Joey. But I don't give a fuck anymore. It's eminent and plus. There's not eminent. Listen, who wants to, you ever see somebody old that miserable?

I don't want to die like that or even be close to that. I want to die giggling my ass off. Like I went to the hospital today and the lady did me and my wife in orientation or the pain and everything. And the lady looks at me, she's like, by the way, to help you your recovery, the pain, we're going to give you out.

What the fuck you call those things? No. What's those things you put under your tongue under your nose and breathe them? They have a name, like... Affron? What? Affron, Lisfreys.

back to your coma. What's the fucking... What's the name of that shit that you are? Aerodynamics. Aerodynamics. Aerosomatherapy. Three fucking scholars here. Nobody knows aromatherapy.

One went to college. Two of you. Anyway, she gives me like lavender. And I'm giggling. She goes, what are you laughing? I'm going to listen. I'm going to paint this fucking scenario for you, Joanne.

What if... How is a lavender gonna fucking kill a beam going to into my bone and resetting. Think about what you're telling me. It don't make sense. I got those at the house. They gave them to me last time.

It was in the house. I use them in the mornings when I wake up. I don't know if they're, if it's whatever, I don't use it for that. Did they help it all? Well, it smells better than my room, so I go with it, you know what I'm saying?

All I smell in my room is cat in my feet. That's it. And the fungi toenail. Oh, my God. So, yeah, I got my handicapped parking sticker. All scenarios in my life opened up again. So many were closed because of what? Listen, you get to an A and then people tell you got to walk 10,000.

No, I don't. No, I fucking don't. There's nowhere that says I got to walk 10. Even the Egyptians didn't walk 10,000 miles of fucking day. 10,000 steps of fucking day. You know, I don't like walking no more. I grew up walking. Right, man.

I walked everywhere. George, tell them how much I walked. I loved it. I loved getting high and listening to the fucking music, walking through Harlem. them, walk Hudson County. I walked fucking like those two idiots. Will and Clark, they walked everywhere. The two brothers walked all through Oregon and shit.

That was me. I got nothing to fucking walk for them more. They get hit in the head. Now I want to listen to music. I can't even walk with the cars behind me. So I always walk facing cars. Even when I ride my bike, these people are bike lane. Fuck you.

There's no bike lane for Uncle Joey. I ride against the traffic because I don't try. Trust nobody behind me, don't. Why would you? You're on the cell phone, your girlfriend texts you at that minute, boom, you clip me. I'm just, I'm just going for a ride, you know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. But you're having an argument about your girlfriend to pick up tampons, whatever the fuck you got to do.

You look at the phone. Oh, my God, boom. And all of a sudden you hit a chubby guy on the bike. And now I'm fucked up for fucking 18 weeks. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. So, no, mass.

I don't need to walk anywhere. I read I got my little handicapped car Why I bust out the truck Like they gave us in Connecticut I'm looking at different options now Do you have a license plate Or do you have like the thing on top I got the thing on top

Do you wait for people like talk shit to you And then you whip it out? What? Like do you have, has anyone like accused You have not being able to park there And then you whip it out? No, I've only had it since Saturday I'm only busted a couple people's balls

Oh Like when I go to the mall in my house I park wherever I want All those restaurants have that pickup shit those spots are always empty. And they're in a security guard out there. Why are you parking eight miles away? Oh, we couldn't find.

There's eight spots right there. If they question, you said, oh, I thought that was to eat in there. I'm eating. I just dropped a small lady in there. I can't park there. Yeah. You go to fucking, you know, you go to a cheesecake factory. It ain't the small 30 no more.

It's a small lady. And God forbid somebody gets a cocktail. God forbid. It's 80 for... I got the soup last time. My wife got the soup. The cream of chicken to fucking die for in that bitch. You know what I'm saying?

Nice. It was the last time you had to draw it. Nice. And they give you that brown pumpernickel with the really good butter. You dip that pumpernickel with the butter into... Oh, oh, fucking delicious.

And I always got either the chicken Chinese salad, Chinese chicken salad which is just a salad with tangerines. You know what I'm saying? And fucking chicken and doodles.

Those crispy noodles are good though. Those crispy noodles are good. And my wife got something Oh, she always gets the chicken and pomadour with mashed potatoes. Pretty good too, because I ate the leftovers.

Fucking tip-top magoo, but that's small 90, 100 bucks. So if I want to pay 100 bucks, St. McDonald's, I'm getting a parking spot. Who said? I said. That's who fucking said.

I can't walk. I'm a half a limp. And do you get to keep it forever? Three years. Oh, shit. Come on, dogs. My doctor was like, we'll do it until the end of the year. Mind your business.

How long can we do it? Three years. We'll do it. It's like that thing with the, with the out couple. When the cops are going to get busted, he goes, how much would it, how much would it take, how much would it cost to take care of things? and the guy gives him a bribe and he goes forever

oh that'd be right what a bribe yeah where you're gonna bribe you don't even do nothing illegal you wait for the light you haven't ran across the street in 32 years yeah listen you wait for a little guy to come on nobody lives in excitement no more do some medibles run across the street against the light then you impress me any idiot you can wait I'm I'm 63 I gotta wait for the light no one waits for the light New York

Huh? No, because there's no cars coming. I'm talking when there's action. You fucking say, fuck that 10 seconds to go. I'm making this bitch. And you fucking run across the street. That's what living is about, Lee. You got to take a chance from time to time.

You got to take it right on the Titanic. You know what I'm saying? None of that makes sense. You have like a 15 seconds to wait. You're going to hit by a fucking car. It was an interesting week. Now my surgery is this fucking Thursday. So it pushes it back, you know.

Listen, recovery is recovery. I can't challenge time. I was stressing. I got to do this. I don't have to do dick. All I got to do is be in Atlantic City, August 7th. Not to get no planes for that, nothing like that. I might go to Austin to tune up,

maybe do a couple shows in Brooklyn, but the first thing I got to do is heal. There's no stitches. They put that crazy glue in there. the new and improved the shit the Germans used in Auschwitz. You know, they fucking, they got that new. They still use that? You can take showers now.

Thank God. Because before you have to wrap your leg with the snitcher. You don't listen to them either. Nothing. Now, like, I'm going to have a fucking scar. I'm going to be home for a couple weeks. They're going to come over, do some massages, some Indian women.

I don't know what they are. They come over, they do a little physical therapy. And I pray for the best, guys. That's all you can fucking do with these things. I'm prepared. I'm a lot better when I had the surgery last time. Mentally, physically, spiritually. And how long do they think it's going to be for you to recover?

It's going to be six to eight weeks. That puts me at the end of May. No, I push me at the end of June, gee. And what does that mean? Like you can walk without any help? I think I got like three weeks for, the fucking cane, the other thing. I'm getting a cane

with a knife on the bottom, you know what I'm saying? Oh shit. Like those Chinese canes. Oh yeah, I'm gonna get staff for sure. I gotta get Becky to start cooking. Call one of our cousins in fucking Hong Kong. Oh my God. Yeah, so you listen, man, the last time, five weeks later, I thought I could get on stage.

No, you can't. That was my biggest mistake. Can't be on that leg for 45 minutes. It was just, I think about it now, and I just want to punch myself in the face. But God knows where my head was back then when I first moved. So now I'm not in a rush. We do the podcast.

If you guys got to come down one week, we'll set that motherfucker on fire. You know what I'm saying? Rifa, bongs. We get your hotel on that, too. So you don't have to drive. The Chinese lady misses you anyway. No, she doesn't.

I want to know. I wanted to know about two weeks ago. She goes, where Lee? I miss Lee. He brings pizza. But, yeah. That's all. Bro.

Well, you know, that's the problem you have with mostly everything. You hurt your leg or you're hurting a shoulder or whatever during recovery or when you go to the gym. That's why I'm only going to a gym with somebody to say, hey, it's over. So I got PT twice a week, then the gym once a week. And I could, whenever I could stand, which again, if I do that, I'm going to hurt my leg is go boxing. There's no boxing whatsoever. I just looked it up. So I can't box.

I could do the hyperbemic chain. I could do the peptides. Help me heal. I could eat. I could sleep. You know, I'm going to have to take like an extra. We still have Bioma around here.

So the probiotic, but with those oxycodons, you're going to be fucking lugged up, Jack. So I got to get like a stool softener and a screwdriver. Ah. Show up your ass and loosen it. you got like a little piece of Bupu and your muffler

and you got to stick your finger in there and move it around a little bit your finger comes out brown you have that brown shit under your finger for like a week until you figure out you got to cut the nail you got cut the nail you put the nail next to something

like a weeklander still smells like shit it's tremendous like a little stick bomb just for sure but now you're going to have a little a fucking screwdriver in the bathroom Well, I had, listen, I did a storyteller show one time at the county store. There was a young man who went on stage.

Very well-known that. I'm just not, they weren't there. Fuck, you don't need to know what it is. Jersey boy, and he went on stage, and he told the story about getting hurt and eating pain pills. And he got so backed up, he put a spoon up his ass to lose. And he was on the phone with the nurse at the same time. And she's like, what are you doing? He's like, I got a little, no, it was a nail clobled.

The other end of the nail clipper, the thing that you turn around to clip, it was that. Because you got loose from one piece sometimes. And the rest of it just comes out like fucking, you know, it's like Jed struck a millionaire. You know what I'm saying? It's like Belly Hills bellies. Oh my God. How was your weekend last weekend? Where'd you work?

I was in Greenville, South Carolina with Jess and May Poluso. It was fun. It was, I had a really fun stretch of being on the road pretty much every week since like February. and it was all great, and I was feeling pretty confident. And everyone had a great time. There was a lot of podcast people there, and I was very happy you were there. But it was just a strange feeling from going from, like, the rhyme

and having a very good set, and then going with, like, the same material. And it just, like, they were very polite, but they were quiet. And it was, there was a fun weekend, but it was a very, like, I had, I totally, I had, like, we only did three shows. And I, so I had to, I had three completely different shows, basically just trying everything I had. Just, like, what would work? And it wasn't, it wasn't them, it was me, but it was just an interesting end to a run. On those weekends, Lee, after, like, first.

I mean, you were there for the San Francisco run where I bobbed four shows and then I destroyed the last one. I mean, I took it to a different level because I went to win for my comedy. I just went out and talk to them. It's not working. What are you on me to tell you about it?

It's not working. Every once in a while, airplanes, they break. You put some crazy glue on it, it works. This particular time, it ain't working. So instead of beating yourself up and putting yourself in the dumps, just talk to them. Pull back.

In fact, even pull out of chair. You guys want to be slow? I'll be slow. And get to that level. Remember, you're a Jew. You go to these towns. They see like three Jews a year in Greenville, South Carolina.

You know what I'm saying? No, and the shows got better. The last show, I did fine. It wasn't my best show, but it was the most consistent. But it was just, yeah, it was a, I don't know. I haven't had one of those in a while. You know, I get very jealous at times of people who could do certain things.

Because I know deep down inside, I'm just a fucking moron. Like if I didn't have comedy, I don't, I'd be working at Subway. I'd be working at Subway, telling stupid stories for young kids and trying to sell them oregano for 10 bucks. and, you know. But, yeah, I can't fix the refrigerator. I can't, you know, I can do math. I cook a little bit. You know, I can mow lawn if you ask me.

I help my wife shovel. I push the fucking guzzer, and sometimes I switch with her. You know, I do all that type of shit. I can paint, but the fucking thing went away. Like, I like painting. When you get high, you put the borders up first, and then you mix the paint,

and you rip them off and you retape it and then you paint as a system. I'm one of those anal motherfuckers and I like enjoy doing that but I can't do it my wife does. The fucking dryer breaks.

She's in there with a light and fucking you hear shit and two minutes later the dry it works. The washing machine, no, the fucking dishwasher. Once a month there's something worth of wish.

I don't know what she does. She's got wrenches. I go in there. She's spinning it around like the fucking on a ship. I don't fucking, No? But I get there and I feel bad,

but then I'm going to tell you this, where I'm going with this. And then you do a show with me or anybody else at a Rhyman theater, any other prestigious theater, or just a fucking theater. And you destroy it. And you get on the plane, and you fly to another city,

and with the same set list, you feel so lucky now from that set list, you're going to use this set. You just destroyed, man, to an audience that's not really yours. You just destroyed. And now you go to that town and that same set list gets three. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. So while you know how to fix the speaker and you know how to frame a picture and I can't do any of that,

I know how to think because that's what you think about. That is your puzzle. You're an engineer of what the fuck just happened. Before you throw your beer away and kick the wall, I don't know what just happened. I destroyed the other night in California. I come here to bump fuck Jersey

and I fucking eat a bag of dixon. Happens all the time. Your britches get too big. There's 11 things that could have happened. But over the years, I realize it's just, you know what? It's the next set. And that's it.

And if they start giving you that shit for 30 minutes, then why fucking lower yourself? It's not doing knock, knock jokes. Sit down, tell them what it is to grow up being a Jew. That's it from the start. Just, and right from there, fucking jokes will start coming out. You never even thought you had

because you got 60 people. We got 120 eyeballs looking at you. That's pressure. And that's what we could do that a lot of people can't do. So when you can figure out a computer and I get jealous fucking late. Those are the fixed computers and shit.

I don't know nothing about that shit. I tried to set my fucking game on the other night. I could put the game on, but I couldn't pick the story. I couldn't put Twitch on. Dog, you could sit there with me for eight days straight, and I will call you the ninth day and go, dog,

what did you just do before when you were here? You're like, Joey, we wrote it down. We put magic. markers on the thing. How did you end up on fucking grant? How did you end up on call a duty? I'm one of those guys, but I know this since I'm in pants. I know that any car I buy is going to get a right hand dent from the bottom. That's since I was a kid. I can't see out of my right eye. I always cut a little close, you know what I'm saying? That's why whenever I make it right and I see those people waiting on the corner, I'm like, that's taking on your end. I don't

know. Ha ha ha ha ha. Look at Lee. Lee don't know what fucking planet he's on again. And it's getting worse by the minute. You know what I'm saying? I like it, Lee. But that's what comedy is.

That's why we get paid. Because we got to figure out what the fuck happened. And then you shrug it off, right? You're like, ah, I'll get them Wednesday night and shit. You pull a George, you put prints on, you dance during your set, you rightly put your shine your shoes.

and guess what happens? You bomb even worse the night before. Now you come back, you're looking for a hangar. You're looking for a rope, you know? And you're like, wait a second. And that kind of shit happens all the time. When does it happen in sports? I saw it one year so easily.

The Giants won the Super Bowl, and they lost the first game in the next season. I fucking bet against that second game, and they lost again. Who would have thought the world champion Giants would have lost the first two games of the opening season? You follow me? So I've seen it before.

It's just the way it is sometimes. Some people take it. Me and you go back, and we go back to the notebook. We write the set down. We write what we figured. we're going to be honest in that paper. That's God. You're talking to God.

You're talking to you. That notebook that you rate your sets, that's God. If you tell the notebook you destroy, you're a fucking piece of shit. Right. Because only you're, be honest with that piece of paper

and go sad to that the rhyman. I ate a bag of dicks. I didn't like how this went. I had a negative review for myself about the rhyming. Really? I always do. Yeah, something.

It could have been a little bit better. Of course. It could always be a little bit fucking better. There's always got. We're not Jesus. We're not perfect. I don't know. No, no, of course.

Yeah, I thought you meant you said the whole thing was bad. You're just saying you had like one or two things. No, there was a couple things I messed up. The wording. Right. I was going for something off. And you know what?

It happens. Of course. If you think I'm going to beat, I beat myself up enough 25 years ago. In an apartment downstairs with fucking no money, no shower, you know, all that shit. Yeah. It was a standing shower.

It was like an old pay phone. They took the pay phone out. and turn it into a shower and put curtains around it. You think I'm fucking kidding you. You went in there, it was made of tin. Like you were, ding, ding, ding. So, yeah, it's, this is, this is what being a comedian is figuring out your next move. And then, after a while, when you start moving up, you got to start figuring out the next three moves.

Like, how am I going to blow up? Okay. I'm going to do a weekend of Caroline's. I know Caroline's is closed. I'm just using I'm going to do a week and a carolines hopefully that commercial

gets released within a week you ever see when you haven't seen somebody in a year and also you see three things they're in you're like

what the fuck just happened that's how they time that shit those big stars time it perfectly they time it around their fucking schedule but I'm talking about like like for me

it's always been when I needed it the movie got released or something even if the movie didn't do well you still you're out there.

And if the commercials on TV, you're out there. It doesn't matter if they seen the movie or not. They saw you in the fucking trail. Who gives a fuck? That happens all the time. But everything needs to get put together. A YouTube set, this, that. And that's when you, now you're using three different superpowers.

But we'll get to that in chapter three. You know what I'm saying? Oh, look how fucking how you are. Oh, yeah. How did this happen? Did you eat? A little bit, yeah. You didn't eat a little bit.

You had like four dishes. You know, the only Jews are these clams, everything. No, I, no. Those Jews only eat shrimp. This motherfucker was killing everything in there. No, I owe you. The shrimp and garlic, the bread, that's shrimp and garlic. Yeah, that was good.

From fucking, oh, my God. Have you ever got a chance to, what's the name of the place? Doppas on 76th Street and Burgerland Avenue? The fucking, I was going to get pie a Friday with my brother, Chris D. Lorenzo. I go, it's not happening. in South Amboy. This is a different, but it was the same chain.

There's one by my house, and there's one in Southam Boy. He was like, that one's a little better. Not like this pie here tonight. Not like anything like that. What do you got coming up? Nothing was week. I had something in Hoboken, but I got canceled, so I'll be in the city this week. Well, that's the club that they had to shut down because.

I don't know. I applaud you guys more than that, though. Like, you know. I don't even know what he's about to say something. No, no, no. I'm not saying you. I'm saying that, you know, this week you went into the show and the show got canceled Friday.

And for some people, that's nothing. That's the salary. And they don't give you that fucking yardstick or yard and a half or the small 50. Well, the big 50, yeah, because if they give you a small 100, it's a big 50. So, you know, when shit like that happens, that's like I needed that money.

Am I going to starve? No. But this was going to the plane ticket or whatever the fuck it was. You know, now they cancel another show. Are you on your sense? Yeah. And somewhere in Jersey on Thursday. So they canceled the show or they closed the club?

I think both. The club. You put the kaput on that one. I didn't put the quip. They put your picture on. on the fly the place goes under oh my god

remind me not to open up a comedy club and headline you thank you for saying man no I'm just teasing you and shit like that but see that's what I'm talking about like I told you that my dear friend Lisa Messina said she watched the podcast with Natalie Cuomo and she goes

you know it was weird how you were looking at her you're looking at like you were smitten over and I go no she's 26 fucking years old. I'm not smitten over. I'm smitten about what she does. The kid weighs 90 pounds. You know, every time they tell me they're going into the city, I think the movie with Charles Bronson, Death Wish, Death Wish, People Around Corners, she's a little petite thing. You grab her by the throat and have you away with that little girl. I love it at that. But I look at her, I look at Allie. I look at Becky Z. St. Sticky thing.

I look at all these fucking young women and what they have to do now. Like how they have to act and they don't get paid, they don't do nothing. You're the same thing. You're over there banging out every night. They cancel the show. You don't even get a free fucking meal.

They'll still charge you 50% for the onion ring. You know. So it's like if you, when I was working, yeah, they were giving me 400 to 500 for five or six shows. But they gave me a hotel. guys. These guys ain't getting hotels no more as a feature. This was the first club that did actually. Right. The club was great.

This is the club actually gave me a hotel this time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But the hotel was also $4.2.95. Right or wrong. No, it was a nice hotel. No, I didn't say it's not a cheap hotel. No. Remember, like, it's like when you go to a fucking four seasons in New York City, you're paying for fucking Paris. You know what I'm saying? You're paying $1,500 a night after Plus, plus. If you go to that same four seasons in Omaha, Nebraska, it might be half that. That's what I was saying to you, brother.

I was insulting you. No, no, no, no. I know. So, you know, a Hyatt regency here is 349 a night by the airport. But if I go to Greenville, South Carolina, it's really nice. This 129. And you're like, what? Room service is shit.

129, they turn up your bed and give you a piece of chocolate at night. Oh, you're gonna do it. Last time somebody turned me down and gave a piece of chocolate was in Venezuela and shit, you know what I'm saying? And they called me monsieur at the end of that shit. So, yeah, but that's, it happens. They're not giving features. That means if I took a feature on the road, I'm covering the hotel.

You know, and I don't give a fuck because I get it. I understand. How many hotels are people covered for fucking me? Okay, and now he didn't stay at no motel sticks. They put me in nice hotels. And the club was giving him like $62 a night. And he was banging out $300 on his own for me. So I get it.

The shit runs downhill. Remember an episode when the kid didn't want to pay Maltesanti didn't want to pay the tab? And he went to yell at Tony, and Tony goes, what are you talking about? You know how many tabs I had to pick up? Thousands. One day when you're there, this is how you treat the people under you.

For us, it's the people under you. I can go eat a nice steak and send you motherfuckers to Shake and Bake with a straight face. But what type of man would I be? Come on, I want this to be a family thing. When we do our shows, I want it to be like Duck Dynasty. At the end, they all get together and say prayers and shit like that. Same thing.

I don't want us to just be four fucking comedians hauling luggage and I'm doing what I'm doing. You know, I don't like going on a daytime a lot. I like when there's a hotel a nice restaurant by the hotel. We could walk to something. But I'm not going into fucking Broadway in the daytime. They'll kill me.

Yeah. They'll kill me down there. They got drugs down there. I just saw it on fucking the drug show. What's that fix-up? They just had Nashville on it. I watched it the other night. It was 1130 at night for a little.

It's one of those shows about drugs, undercover drugs, and this one was Nashville, where they make Hooch. And they make meth, and the guy was shaking the met. And he's like, man, my cousin blew his eyeball out in his hand. And this guy's over there giving a fucking, they're shaking with gasoline or something. But no, you know, so I don't mind going close.

I like going to somewhere eat close. But when we go out, we're a fucking family on the road. You know, we eat together, we giggle, we drink some water. One of years always gets a cocktail, whatever the fuck. but that's what makes the comedy show that much better because we each got each other's back. Now everybody knows that. So it's not like we go from the hotel room

in the back of a mobile gas station right to the show and the guys got fried chicken wings that looked like it was an order in the afternoon and nobody ate him because they were so bad so he just re-eated him. Let's give them to the comics. Give it to the con and Lee comes,

oh, these wings are great. And you're eating fucking. catnip and foo foo pads and god knows what else it's just crazy shit man so I can't imagine I cannot I cannot imagine what it's like to fucking be a feature act now

but I applaud you guys with all my heart it gets better or it gets worse but not really it gets better and you hope for something to break or shift. But in the meantime, you just keep laying the work down and everything will fall into place. You agree with me

or that? I hope so, yeah. You hope so. What do you mean you, you hope so? You gotta say, fuck, yeah, Joey, that's what works, motherfucker. I'm a Jew. I'm gonna make this work. Out of respect. You're not all right, to Landlick. So, do you have any dates coming up, nothing? I have a bunch, yeah. I'm gonna be in

Charlotte. I'm gonna be with Josh Wolf. I'm gonna be headlining in Foxborough. I'm going to be headlining back in, uh, at Uncle Vinny's. I'll be at side splitters. I have a lot coming up. I'm just the next, you like doing with a week of, so I don't have this to. You got a new year's gig yet? Not yet.

Why don't you put one together? Lee's house of fun and frolic. Right in midtown Manhattan. Get some firecrackers. I had two chicks to dance. You know, have a good time. Give out some roofies. I don't fucking know. But that's the only way you're going to get a name

on the fucking gazebo. I don't want my name on the gazebo for giving out roofies. No, no, but you always focus on the dumb shit. That's not a dumb shit. What are you? I don't know what I'm going to give it out roofies. It's going to be a New Year's extravaganza. And you're going to build your name like that.

If you give out roofies and people take them, it's not on you. Remember, put it in a roofie in somebody's soda and give them somebody a roofie for here. Take it on your own risk. Two different situations. Nobody's going to jail. If I put it in your soda, then I'm a fucking creep. but if I hand it to you and go, dog, this is a Rufie, do you what you need to do, Jack.

Me, I'd pop it because I want to see where it takes me. That's the type of motherfucker I am. I used to pop those all the time by myself. Drink a couple cocktails like nothing. Ha, my God. Like nothing. You just can't jerk off because your dick is dead, so that's what happens with the Roofie and shit.

You're all right, Lee? No. You're getting convulsions and shit. Anyway, I got no dates right now. now, all we got is August 7th and 8th at Oceans Casino and Atlantic City, Jack. Rocking and rolling. Get a room for two nights, freaks, bitches, people taking in the muffler, the whole fucking thing. You know what I'm saying?

Look at the shape of poor fucking Lee on another Monday night. A hundred milligrams, that was. And those are my mild the fucking edible. See? You're not training when you're on your own. you keep eating those 25s. You got to build up your tolerance because the war is just going to come abroad.

War? Oh, yeah, it's coming. This ain't stopping. They don't have them giving out edibles in war. Yeah, they don't want to fucking open up the lake of Gazaboo, whatever the fuck it is. I pay $80 for a tank and gas. Now it's over.

All right, you're all right? I'm good. We'll call 911. When the last time you were like this? take you to the hospital and bring you back. Things happen. You only have mouth-to-mouth from George. Perfect.

I'm mine. I love you guys. Have a great week. Listen, I'm having the surgery Thursday. I don't know what's going to happen. All I know is I'm going to try the best I can to do one next Monday. We'll figure it the fuck out. Even if it's a Zoom from fucking Zoomville.

It don't matter. I love you. Stay black. Have a great week.