Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - I'll be back, Jack!

Episode Date: September 24, 2024

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about the people that drive Joey Diaz crazy, the rat Joey saw in 1968 that he can't stop thinking about, how great it was watching The Cowboys in the 70's and 80's, and much more! Support the show and get your 1st month of BlueChew for free. Use promo code DIAZ at https://www.bluechew.com This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try and get on your way to being your best self at https://www.betterhelp.com/diaz Support the show and download the DraftKings app with code JOEY. New customers can play $5 and win $50 instantly in Casino Credits. The Mind Of Joey Diaz is on PATREON: http://bit.ly/TheMindOfJoeyDiaz

Yeah, this is you dog. What are you waiting on? What are you gonna end up with a white chick with a skadoodle dog? When I was ugly fucking dogs That's the ugliest dog ever fucking made you know that oh Yeah, I hate those wrong my heart yesterday. I'm gonna kids football game I got two dads sitting next to me trying to watch the game and two other dads in there Why we trying to watch the Chile the daughters and this fucking lady, you know With a skadoodle dog with mushy hair didn't even wash her ass before she left with a Starbucks coffee Talking to eight other idiots with Starbucks coffee and we can't watch the fucking game with a fucking skadoodle dog, you know

What's this? What you've said the late times? What's a skadoodle dog? Dogs that to have little afros like a big French poodle Seen in my life I love dogs, but that dog bothers me because I know it's the official dog of the gentile The operator, you know, it's the official dog of the gentile god forbid. You ain't got one of those and a fucking An elon musk car, whatever the fuck tesla a tesla you wouldn't got one of those and a fucking an Elon Musk car, whatever the fuck, Tesla. A Tesla?

You wouldn't get a Tesla? Listen, not in a million fucking years. Those people can't drive. The battery's $30,000. Where's the bargain? It's a fucking, you know, it's a followers. It's a sheep fucking world. Bad, bad.

Let me get a Tesla so my friends accept me I already got the tattoo on my calf I got the Tesla the fucking lesbian head do with the fuck yeah when does it end Lee when can it drives for you yeah that's great that's great that's why I'm gonna trust I'm the 101 headed to San Diego when I got a gig to fucking Tesla With my luck the battery will run out and shit, you know Leave me alone. All right Where's the arrow pump the gas? Let's get this party started

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That's what you gotta be thinking. Welcome back to church! What up, Mook? I'm doing great. I'm happy to see you. Good to see you. Last Wednesday night at the Dojo was a great show. We had great sets Great to be back on stage. You know, I've been fired up since that night

Really? My blood pressure has been running a little hard this week. I've had a curse a couple motherfuckers and that explains it Remind people. Yeah stand-up gets me fired up. So I love it. What was it about that one? That was different than like the other sets? I hadn't been on stage in a month and The time before that hadn't been on stage since June. So, you know two minutes at the Garden Age shit, right and then I Why that set was special to me first of all, I did 15 minutes. Mm-hmm. I was very relaxed and I talked about stuff I didn't want to talk about. I spoke about stuff I wanted to talk about, stuff that suited me. It took me a couple years to... I didn't want to go up there with the same shit, just rewriting my jokes. I didn't want to do that. The audience is too smart today There's too much comedy and there's too much entertainment To go out there with a big game

too much And that's how I look at it. There's too much great comics right now That you're gonna go out with a fucking big game and then with the internet you get ridiculed Yeah, you know, so that they go your ticket sale So if you're going out there, you gotta go out there with three guns and like you felt because I Mean I felt like I got somewhere for the first time in four years

That's all I say. I felt like I'm comically Comedically I got on stage. I went through a tough time, and just like cocaine blocks your heart, from saying what you want. I think the drug use in LA blocked my heart along with the fucking Xanax. It just blocked it for a while. I was not quick on stage.

I was not, it took me a while, man. And this break from it just helped, you know, but you did great. I mean, thank you, buddy. Your last six minutes and I was blown the fuck away on the improvement and how I hate when people give up on shit. Because I did it for years. I hate when people give up on shit Because I did it for years and I want to kill myself now kill myself because although seriously like I'm telling you from the heart I want to cry sometimes because You know we quit Right. We quit we make excuses and

I did it for years and thank God I stuck to this like a soldier and I I respected it and Here we are today. Well, it's so crazy. You've talked about home clubs. And I've only been here a week, so I don't have a home club yet. But there's something when it's a show that people know that you're going to be at at the dojo. I've had two or three shows there where I go up with, I don't know, five.

If I'm doing 10 minutes, I don't know, five, if I'm doing 10 minutes, I probably had four or five that was just new for that night. Like I just, I just sort of riff. I'm not really a riff person, but it was just like the energy in there just so fun. And I feel like, I think what you said earlier, like comfortable. I feel like-

Listen, the best productivity, the best material, the best performance we do, as hard as when we're at so relaxed. Yeah. That's the best performance we're gonna do. That's why before you got on stage, I made you get high that night. Yes, you did.

You know, like there's no way, you know. You want to do good on stage, you got to go up there relaxed. I don't think alcohol and drugs is the answer. You know, I bust people's balls about it, like, you know. But you got to go up there relaxed. If it means walking around the corner, you know, and this is the way you got to go up, whether you're at the comedy

dungeon or in front of Mitzi Shor, she makes a comeback and comes up from the grave. That's how you have to look at it sometimes. So it's very interesting. What do you think about New York after your first week? I'm sort of, A, I'll just start off with the positive. I couldn't love it anymore. I've always wanted to live here. I'm so happy to be here. I've had a mix of good and bad sets, but I love doing a nine o'clock open mic on a Saturday. That was one of the best sets I had all week, and it was an opportunity that wasn't there anywhere else. Then I've done some great shows and that was fun. Not a negative, but I feel a little bit the way it sounds like you felt when you first got to Jersey.

I'm just like the last couple of months, it's been such a whirlwind of getting ready, working, doing everything, finding all the appr-. Now I'm like here and There's a lot of pressure and be like I'm alone I have people around me, but I'm also alone for the first time in four years, which is fucking great Lee. It's awesome It's great. That's something that is great. You know, I always talk about people judging us My what said ten years ago or 20 years ago.

Well, I'm sure if you look up an old church, prior to 2017, before that, I would have told you you were crazy and I was never going to go back. But it was a fucking crazy city. And I came back for two weeks. And I was like, what the fuck am I doing in California? What the fuck am I wasting my goddamn time for? Yeah, I don't blame you. And now you come here and I'm sure 14 years ago, I know 14,

you know, seven, eight years ago, I tortured you. You know, city, you know, I know for a fact, and now I got to eat my words. But hey, at least I'm honest enough to fucking say that. And here we both are in the metropolitan area. Both loving it. You know. I mean, yesterday I had a fucking fantastic day. Oh, yeah, it wasn't about me. I went to my friend seminar. Weight loss seminar. He's fucking great. This guy. Nice. It was a different level of seminar.

This is about fat loss from how it starts from yourselves and how you have to get sun to lose weight. I mean, this was heavy fucking duty. I had to leave because my aunt called from Cuba because Ari's going up there with Rob Kelly. Oh shit. My aunt will come up when he gets off the fucking flight, like, you know, dancing girls, the whole fucking thing, Santa rear chickens. So she called me and I had to step outside and then I had to go to a jujitsu tournament. My friend's daughter, who's also my daughter, my daughter, my friend, I like her family, invited us the night before I thought it was next Sunday. So I went to that and that was fucking great. I saw all the kids from my class. I saw the professors

I saw I saw Jason from revel I saw fucking and he blew me away. I love that guy's videos. I Saw Bernardo from our school. I saw a bag of window from lung branch Gracie lung branch I mean it was just great to see those guys I hadn't seen a handful of those guys in a while and then I went to see my buddies Joey's game okay a little Joey came home and did a few bong hits you know I left it got really hot and I'm like fuck I gotta go to this game now at three o'clock And I get there and I'm having a great time with you know The game starting the cheerleaders are right in front of us these like seven-year-old cheerleaders doing some shit It's out of this world, but fuck it a lady with one of those fucking dogs

Scadoodle whatever the fuck they called the stand in there, you know talking a little fucking Gentile friends about nothing those fucking dogs Whatever the fuck they called the stand in there, you know Talking A little fucking gentile friends about nothing About how stressful life is or whatever the fuck they talk about and uh You know, i'm sitting there watching him. I wasn't mad about me. I don't give a fuck I'm high anyway. I'm just there for the vitamin It's the two fucking parents with their moms with their wives

They're like we can't even see cuz these lady won't move. I Mean I hate and I just thought about LA how people act like I'm so special I'm gonna stand right here and just talk because they want to hear nobody wanted to hear Nobody wanted to hear this old ratty fucking dirty bitch with Birkin socks on and god knows what else I hate that Like when they make a parking space, it's not parking space that drives me nuts Right, then we used to go to Marie T. That always be a discovery park sideways He was too much in a rush Park sideways because she was too much in a rush

To park the fucking car. There's four parkings now the two people she's blocking have to leave But she's in there because you know, hold on one second. I have to get my yoga latte double fucking breast milk whatever the fuck they put in there Look, I saw that once a week at that place and it used to drive me crazy because these women didn't even have a job. These women that had to leave, the people who had to leave, they had jobs. These women come in. You haven't seen your husband in weeks. He's banging a 22-year-old receptionist at Weinstein Tower. Now you think he's out of business. He's just giving you paper to shut you up, you dirty witch. So you could you can go around be I'm gonna have a fundraiser At my house. You haven't made a dollar in years. Oh

Yeah, you made me spend more than you make Yeah, get the fuck out of here fundraiser these dirty bitches because I believe You know eyeball fibrosis Right, give me a fucking breather enough all right? Give me a fucking breather. Enough. I can't take the fake shit. She was blocking everybody. Yeah, like she owned the stadium, you know.

And I told the guy, tell him to fucking hang and move that dog, that ugly fucking dog, before I sell him to Freddie down there at fucking, at King's Chinese place and go down there next week and get those ribs, those skadoodles, make some good ribs, though, and a good crumped out chicken. I'm gonna go to the American Every time I eat Chinese food, I leave there like fuck. I just ate somebody's cat. And you feel bad like 10 seconds and you're like, but that egg roll was good. You look at those side, those egg rolls. It's not a good thing.

And that dump, that dumpling, that's everything bad that the animal has. You break my heart every time you say that. And I went to like a fast Chinese place last night and I should almost immediately Because this is why you're retarded, too What was it get Chinese At a nice Chinese restaurant set

There's got to be a szechuan joint somewhere in the upper west side I'll have what the fuck you're gonna go into some place. The guy's missing an eye. He lost it in a fucking card game in Thailand and here you are ordering fucking food from them. What do you expect to get? Even if you eat vegetables there, they coat the vegetables in cat blood and God knows what else. It's a sweet stuff. I do, but I love like what I love about it because like that fake stuff, there was like, I walk into the Chinese place, it's my first time there, and there's a woman yelling at the cashier.

Like on the phone, you said it was going to be 10.50, and then it's $12. And the cashier is going, I never said what the price is, I never said what, and they were just going at it. And then, like I love that about New York York like I haven't seen anything like this oh yeah you see with two days in New York especially now today's world I'll be drama on the streets at night some homeless guy kicking a fucking you know gotta be something you're walking through that I love it oh yeah I'm just telling you better get a little helmet I think you should get a little helmet I was talking about I'm gonna be the guy walking around the city with a helmet on that's okay. They'll leave you alone. I don't want

Leave the little retarded boy alone. He's okay. He ain't got a bottle nobody Have any money? Oh, yeah I Don't think I mean I I don't need to add something to get canceled about Can you imagine that that might work though walk around with a helmet on I'm telling you listen I was in Harlem when I was like 13. I went to see a record basketball game I'll never forget this me high school teacher a Cuban kid another white kid. We were the only whites there, right? Petrified petrified. I thought it was only a kill

But Juan Rodriguez god God rest his soul, had a karate jacket on, like a Gi top. Right. The whole night I'm like, somebody's going to mess with us, because this idiot's got a karate top on. Who would wear this out? He was just wearing just a karate top as like a shirt? Yeah, like on the way out, he pulled the fucking karate top on.

I love him. I need this in my life. All of a sudden, as we was walking out. I'm like, I don't even want to walk next to you with that jacket on. He goes, he looked at me and goes, you don't see nobody fucking with me, do you? So, you know, sometimes they just leave you alone. But why can't I wear a karate jacket? That might be more effective than the helmet. You don't want to wear karate jacket, New York, okay

Just just just walk around walk on Main Street. Don't walk down dark alleys Don't go into shitty Chinese joints It's gonna be hard I have to find somewhere to get Chinese I haven't had pizza yet Well, you're surrounded by pizza, but if I know you You'll walk into that one that's not even cheese. It's like, buy the leftover pizza from Domino's and they re-dope it up and sell it to moops like you

at one in the morning. No, they- They wait for Domino's to close at midnight and they go, give me everything you got. They dope it up, they put like a little couple pieces of real pepperoni, they buy some stuff out of the Chinese dumpling box Sausage it's some fucking kids parakeet. Oh

No, but do you like I haven't gone to like one of those dollar slices. Do you ever do that? Oh, wow Cuz they have like dollar slices and it's like supposed to be tired. It's not fucking bad that I from a lot of people that they're happy with dollar slice. If you're going to get into that world of I'm going to go up to the village and get listen dollar and you got to find Sophie's Cuban kitchen. Okay. That's when your world will fucking change. Fried bananas, maduros, there's two specials of the day, white rice. They either have the black beans and rice already mixed and then you get a fucking oh wait Do you see that place you're gonna be you're gonna be in Cuban food with salsa shoes on every god-born day

I can't that's one. I definitely want to do what's that isn't Sophie's Cuban kitchen, but I was actually on With this girl ended up being a like a scam But I was talking to a girl on a dating app and she lives over by La Caridad. So I was talking about going there like that. That's what I want to go to again. Nah, just go to this place. Okay, I'll go to both.

It's a good chicken breast. Okay. Chicken breast with white rice and black beans or red beans is six points because the chicken press is free. Right. It's all protein. So the rice and beans are going to be six points. You eat two fried bananas, throw five more points on that.

You know what I'm saying? Is that how much they are? Yeah. I'm going to toast on the Weight Watcher app. I think it's like three for seven. But you don't know what you're eating because they could be little midget tostones. Yeah. You show up with midget tostones.

I'd rather have the longer ones that are flatter and crunchier. You put extra salt on that motherfucker, forget about it. I haven't tried the crunchy ones yet. You could push the fucking rice and Chinese food onto your fork or the black beans and rice. Yeah, I do think, I haven't weighed myself. I gotta stay I just got a

You look good very sleek very aerodynamic those four flights of stairs ten times a day They're gonna whip you into shape today. He's like I've ever been aerodynamic 15,000 steps a day now good for you. Yeah, it's a lot you're back on it dog But it's a lot. You're back on it dog. But it's 75,000 steps a fucking week. That's why I like New York though. Every two weeks that's 300,000 a month. That's 3.6 million fucking steps a year. What are you gonna do? Now all the work you're putting in, you still want to go get a dollar Chinese slice? No, Chinese slice. No Chinese life. That's no no No, I'm not going to I've actually been pretty good. I had a couple of

like oh We didn't even talk about I got I got lost on the train after like after I podcast last week Sure, you did. I know you did. Oh Cuz they don't sometimes they don't put You were going to Brooklyn and they had an open mic and you got Queens Yeah, like was next week. Yeah, you're a fucking beauty, too Oh in Queens the Mets ain't playing and you're walking around like Johnny's it that's so mad at me because I got shwarma

Oh, yeah, then you get shwarma to add fuck because that's warm of ill up in Queens, right? Yeah. Well, yeah, it was great We were up in fucking Queens and every night that's allmerville up in Queens, right? Yeah, well, yeah, it was great. When I shot this, the bottom movie, we were up in fucking Queens, and every night, that's all there was to eat. Either it's Walmart, or you had to smoke a fucking hookah. Yeah, but Swarmers, although I do feel like, because they were from Syria, I noticed on the wall.

Okay. So I don't think they like, I think they either thought I was like special needs, because I was so high, or they could tell I was Jewish thought I was like special needs cuz I was so high or they Could tell I was Jewish because like they were not Thrilled that I was there. Listen, that's a bit when I get high people become special needs I did I did that yeah, I did learn at the dojo very good. See you learn it You got to take material from your own fucking life cocksucker. Oh my god, but yeah, I fucking the train

That's one thing that like I'm trying to get better. I just cuz it's that thing is fucking crazy I took the bus. I took the bus for the first time. I heard it's great. It was great. It had got me home It was great was I Got off a stop too early and I was too like cuz you have to press the button So the guy knows when to stop and I pressed I was so proud of myself I was like, all right Because she said it but I didn't realize it for the like the stop after the one that she was coming up on So I had to walk like two extra blocks because I didn't want to stay on after I press the button

But the the bus is pretty good Did you ever ride that when you're growing up? I'm not sure about the New York bus. You know, Lee, I'd love to tell you yes and no. I rode more the Jersey bus. And I took the bus from Jersey to New York and vice versa. I'm not gonna lie. I remember taking a bus like from 88th Street

to 148th and my godmothers. I would just walk it. Yeah, that's fun too. And well, those days I would just walk it without weed straight. I was a kid, eight, nine, buy some fruit on the walk up, you know? Oh yeah. That was people. This is the first time I've had cash in a while.

Cause like you always, yeah. Like I always just was credit card for everything. But then like I walked, I had to go return stuff to Amazon So I think go to UPS store, but I just walked the 30 blocks back and it was great I walked by a farmers market. I found a farmers market It was just like anybody just end up stopping in places. Did you go down? I? Didn't yeah, I didn't get like I was proud of myself because I didn't get the fucking brownies. You were going to get the apple pie, I know.

Oh, they did have some good looking pies. Who the fuck you think you're talking to? Joy Bananas, that's the farmers markets here, king. A little Dutch apple pie. You stop at the grocery, get a little vanilla Haagen-Dazs. You put your feet up, you watch the Sunday game. Listen, so I didn't finish my story. Okay. I'm very sorry to interrupt you. No, it's okay. So I go to this football game, I get annoyed with the

lady but she moves. We're watching the game. I'm having a good time. It starts to get hot. Okay. I'm fucking starving. So I go, let me get out of here. I wasn't in the mood to sit in a restaurant. I was too beautiful yesterday to sit inside. So let me just go to Fiela's, the market by my house, tremendous sandwiches, Lee. On semolina bread with fucking mayonnaise. I got a nice tuna sandwich, nice healthy tomato. You know what I'm saying?

No cheese, little vinegar and oil, couple of sweet peppers, nice. I fucking come home and I made a big fucking mistake. Oh no I go let me chill for 10 minutes. I throw on it said NFL on CBS or NFL on Fox. Okay. It was fucking Dallas playing Baltimore And they were losing like I don't know what the score was but it wasn't good and I'm sitting there and I know where I just started getting fucking angry Lee like just fucking beat angry like I what I'm like what have we

done to our country have we painted ourselves into a fucking corner that we I'm like, you know, again, for people that don't understand my logic, I'm like, I'm like, I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm going to be like, I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm going to be like, I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm going to be like, I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm going to be like, I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm going to be like, I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm going to be like, I'm not going to be able to do that.

I'm going to be like, I'm not going to be able to up. And I'm like, you know, again, for people that don't understand my logic and my thinking on that, let me tell you where my fucking thinking comes from. My thinking, that thought almost blew me off the chair. That was a good one. Thank God for Zoom. Oh, thank God. No, I got the new hat on that you could smell through Zoom. You got to qualify. You got to weigh 250 pounds or send them a pair of your underwear with burn marks on it.

Anyway, I'm watching this and I remember being a kid and coming home just to watch Dallas. No gambling, no nothing. I knew nothing about that. I did, but I wasn't. They were a fucking work of art. They were a work of art. Randy Gratishaw, just the John Stor work, just the whole fucking offense, Billy White's Hugh Johnson.

It was the quarterbacks. You know, I think the guy fell in love with was that white dude. And then came the guy with the fucking wig that's on announcer now and where it was great. And the guy, Troy Aikman, the guy before that, what they were just great teams. And it felt like you were an American when you watch those things like this is fucking the heart of Texas Their Cowboys every year they were in the something NFC finals, you know NFC East champion and now you watch this and you're like this sucks And I'll tell you what the sad thing is

It's acceptable And I'll tell you what the sad thing is. It's acceptable. By who? By the fans? By everybody. We are just and then got the big day win next week. If they win next week, like 35 to like 18, wake up Monday morning. Are the Cowboys a Super Bowl team?

They look like a Super Bowl team yesterday, Bill. They just want to move up team yesterday bill. They just Minds again and this is everything when I watched the UFC the guy lost three fights. He wins one. He's back He's in the title contention. He just won one fight, right? He fought a fucking tomato can I don't even know this guy is and you know, it's so crazy how We've lowered our fucking standards on everything. But the fucking football is killing me, especially Dallas, like that. Listen, everybody has peaks and valleys. I was growing up Dallas didn't have any peaks

and valleys. Yeah, they were great. Is that when they became like America's team? When did that start? Do you know? When Tom Landry was there? Tom Landry had him. I don't know how many years he was the fucking head coach He devised the 4-3 defense which they don't use anymore. He did so many fucking things and He had those teams. He had him like a work of art It was like a well-oiled fucking machine if for anybody doesn't believe me

look up the Cowboys in 78. And then, let me tell you, what bothers me is the attitude of the players. Really? They're losing and they're smiling and having a good time. I'm from an old school motherfucker. If you lose, I'm from the school. I better not see you out that night. Right. I better not see you at a club hitting on white chicks. You just fucking lost.

Take it seriously. Take it fucking seriously. Shaq, I remember Shaq at the comedy store after he would miss eight free throws and my blood pressure was boiling. You're at the fucking comedy store giggling. You know. Right. No, you're at the fucking Tommy store giggling. You know?

And I'm a little over fucking crazy, you know? But at the same time, you know, I came from such a perfectionist type of world, like that. Football, the NFC East, they won every year. Right. It was either the Giants, Philadelphia, or fucking Dallas. Listen to that. They were my, or the Washington Redskins. You know, they were fucking monsters and they were every year they were getting bigger and bigger. The lines. I mean, it was beautiful to watch. Now I watch the Cowboys. They're in a stadium. They're fucking raping, printing money.

Right. Money in those stadiums and This is what they give you and I feel the same way about the gym. Listen when I watch the Giants, there's a metropolitan area How the fuck are you you know in the Giants won this week and I saw it coming on draft games because draft games often a 50% boost When they were given six and a half. Everybody was going to bet Cleveland. Right. I knew the Giants were at least covered. They'd lose by three.

Then they went out right. You know what I'm saying? But you don't get we're just so. I hate when I have a bad show and people come up to me and say, that was a great show. Right. Nothing gets me out. I rather you come up to me and go that was a great show. Right. Nothing gets me on. I'd rather you come up to me and go, Joey, you owe me $22.50. But yeah, I mean, it's, I don't think people have that's, I mean, the difference I think

between the Cowboys and the Patriots is people love the Cowboys. I think everyone hated the Patriots. But how do you think I feel? Like after the last 20 years, the last four or five years? Whatever it's been since Tom Brady left has felt like a like a bad dream Like even when you the games look darker It looks like a fucking ghost town Awful it's awful to watch and then like even I'll take Tom Brady out because the people hated the Patriots

Like you always used to call me and be like Tom Brady's the fucking best like White man, you know, yeah I'm just gonna say the best real white men real white men Real those are the greatest white men of all time. They took it seriously. There was no jumping up and down You didn't see Tom Brady Tom Brady slung dick at home, ate his fucking vitamins, made his protein powder, whatever the fuck he does. That's it. No complaints, no DUIs.

He dumped a woman that was pregnant for a hot a woman. That's a real Catholic, you know what I'm saying? When you do that as a Catholic, you're like, okay. You know, there's just some people that are fucking animals and I love them all. When I watch Tom Brady, I get inspired when I watched a fucking Tom Landry used to coach or in basketball, Dean Smith from North Carolina. Holy shit. Right. If that guy ever talked to me, I'd stand that attention. What about, did he ever, I don't know if you saw,

I think he just retired, Mighty Mouse. Like he seems like one of those guys. Mighty Mouse? Yeah. The fighter? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the best in the world. He's the best and he does it all.

Did you see the Jiu-Jitsu contest against a guy bigger than me and he fucking tapped him? Did he really? I didn't see that. No, that's crazy. Yeah. No, those guys, listen, man, it's just some people take it seriously. Some people think they get a tattoo and a gold chain and they shave their head and then I got a right hook. Right. Then you got GSP who retired like a fucking savage and every fight he showed up with something different Mm-hmm. He would go to Thailand. He would go to the Bronx and fight ten Puerto Ricans With a fucking mask on his head. He would always be gymnastics, you know, and that's what this is It's like when we do stand-up

Somebody's telling me about improv the other day. Okay's like when we do stand up, somebody was talking to me about improv the other day. Okay. Like an improv, true. Mm-hmm. Let me explain to you what I think about improv, okay? It's either six college kids that want to be on Cyanide Live. Right.

Got inspired by Cyanide Live and the lifestyle. Or just guys that get out of college, young kids that get out of college and just don't know. They get involved with it. Maybe they want to be standups, but they want to see how it works. I used to be a member of Improv Olympic. I spoke to you about this. You look at me and go, Joey,

even though you don't like something, you don't believe in it, whatever, why would you hang out over there? Because I was learning. When I you don't believe in it, whatever, why would you hang out over there? Because I was learning. When I took two sketch courses in class, like each was three months apiece, and then I realized the guy that was teaching the course hasn't had a job in 92 fucking years. Right. He was talking about like, I was on the Beverly Hillbillies in 1962.

Why are you teaching it? Because that was the last job he had. But did you, because I've thought about doing improv, did you recommend it a little bit? I took more of a sketch writing and I took something basic. OK. Basic, the guy told me, I'm giving you back the money. Don't come back.

Wow. You're a fucking savage compared to these guys. But I had a scam in those days. This had to be way before I met you. I lived in Hollywood till 2009. I got clean in 2007. This had to be about 2008. I was going in there.

And guess what I would do? Cause I wasn't at the store. I would go in there on Friday night. To get a prof class? Listen, they had a 10 o'clock comedy stand-up show. Oh shit, and guess what? Every fucking agent Was there watching the improv and then they would stay for the late show and every week I get a fucking card from one I don't know how anything ever transpired But it was a lot better than hanging out the comedy store then yeah, I would go there on Friday nights

And at least you see that's crazy. And it was that when you were not at the store. Yeah. Oh wow So I would go there and I learned a little bit and then I Think after we start the podcast, improv Olympic closed down, I think you've got the groundlings and there might be something else left. Whatever's in Chicago. Like Chicago is a big breeding ground for it. I've been to the one in Chicago. It's fucking great.

I think it's IU, whatever. Cause I shot a movie with some guys that have an office in that building where they were at in Chicago There's a lot of great in bro And I'm not gonna say I have zero interest but like acting isn't really even on my radar But I just feel like it it would be good to learn how to like I feel like it would help with crowd interaction Just being quick on your feet No Acting class will help you Just being quick on your feet duh No Acting class will help you sell your material more

Okay acting class, okay acting class will make you understand your material and You're an actor already if you could hold the conversation with a stand-up But you know the timing of a standup is deadly. I've always respected that, and I'm very proud that I worked on that, especially when it comes to acting. It's too deadly for some people. I told you years ago on the podcast, Harrison Ford, there were a lot of actors that would not work

opposite standup comics, because they felt it's too big. And then you go to Mitchie Shore's house and she's training you to do three minute sets. Which an audition is three minutes. Damn. I didn't know that. How long do you think you're in that room for? You think you're in there for a fucking hour? You're in there for a couple minutes and you're going in there not to get the part you're going in there to be remembered So these are things we'll get to later, you know, yeah

This is all fun fucking shit, but I enjoy the fuck out of you know all those years It's like Paulie to put up a tune this week. Okay. It was the audition I had for American Family, not the new one. This is one 20 years ago for ABC, why stripped down to my fucking thong and I was 400 pounds. I enjoyed that shit for a while more than stand up. It was like saying an off-color joke and two women in the front row and they just there into nowhere and you destroyed their central nervous system. That's my goal in comedy. Forget about laughing.

Destroying their central nervous system when they walked into the wrong place at the wrong fucking time and they realized it. Like those bikers in the Bronx Tale. They walk through a wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong fucking savages. That's what happens. Did you ever get in trouble at any audition for anything you did? No.

And I had some fucked up shit pants ripped Fucking oh, yeah, I remember that no underwear Listen we before we get to the balls and the underwear I gotta take a minute and talk to these savages about better help and my people at draft King's casino So give me a minute. All right, I'll be back Jack. Hey, it's uncle joy I want to talk to you about something this This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Back to school time can inspire you or turn over a new leaf at any age. Therapy is an amazing tool to help you grow into the person you want to be. No matter what you need help with, BetterHelp is here for you.

BetterHelp offers online therapy that is super Flexible so you can do therapy whenever wherever works for you chat with a therapist via Phone or video call or even their messaging platform? Listen to me when I got off the plane when I got here four years ago I didn't know what was going on with me. I contacted better help and here I am four years later Looking tip-top Magoo feeling tip-top Magoo insulting people. I'm back So getting started is easy with better help just fill out a quick survey and you'll get matched with a licensed therapist Who's ready to work with you? My girl worked with me for about a year and a half

She was tremendous. I still have a number. I still do her little exercises to work with you my girl worked with me for about a year and a half she was tremendous I still have a number I still do her little exercises and here we are so rediscover your curiosity with better help visit better help comm slash Diaz to get 10% off your first month remember Halloween's coming that's all you need to think about right now you need a little therapy before they start coming over to your house and asking you for tricky-tricky anyway uncle Joey here if it worked for uncle Joey it's gonna work for you go to betterhelp.com slash Diaz the check-in is also brought to you by come on now giraffe kings no matter what's going on with your social life

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Pennsylvania, West Virginia only void in Ontario eligibility and other restrictions apply one offer per new casino customer. Casino credits are non-withdrawable and expire in 168 hours. Terms at casino dot draft kings dot com slash get 50 ends October 6th, 2024. We're back, bitches. Anyway, speaking about sports and like being disappointed earlier before we took a break, I don't know if you did you see the story about the catcher that just got released by the twins? No, he was a single baseball player, and he got released

because like in a game like two weeks ago He was telling the batters what the pitch was going to be because he wanted to go home. He was sick of the season And he was dipping pitches they lost by six runs They lost six to nothing and then the coaches on the other team told the other coaches So they took him out That's something you would do if you wanted to make the buffet by 630 I've always wondered that if they do that because baseball season's so long. I can't believe they don't do it more I'll tell you what man. If my if Mike if my team is like

12 and 80 and we got one week left in the season Everything I got. Signals, bats, I'll give you the coaches home number, I'll give you the tracks number. I don't want to see these motherfuckers ever again. We just went 12 and 80. They ain't nothing. It's like the Chicago White Sox this year. When the season ends, you won't hear from those motherfuckers. They won like I don't know how many games but they came in for me like two or three times. Yeah. Aren't they about to hit the record for most losses?

Something crazy. Chicago's like fucking walking around with sunglasses on the South side. They can't believe the team is that bad. But listen, you got to have peaks and valleys. Absolutely. That's what this is all about, Cheech. You know what I'm saying? So tomorrow you go to Winnipeg, You got a new they're gonna raise up your fucking

Mushroom dosages to three and a half grams. Why are you colluding with Josh to raid the two grams was enough You've been dicking around. No one's been digging around. I also haven't done it a couple Nobody's dicking around living at mom's house. I can't do this. I can't do that I'm smoking on the balcony right now. No, you're smoking on the balcony I'm good. Wow, you impressed me. Wait till you get back from Winnipeg and those mushrooms will be I'm gonna freeze the mushrooms with fucking Diddy lube Shit And then they'll really go up the ass Jesus Christ

I'm excited for Winnipeg that's gonna be great that's shit no honey we're eating them like I can't I eat honey what's wrong with honey these were pussies but why it tastes bad what is it if it's in my belly well who cares what tastes bad so does asshole you don't see me fucking sprinkling sprinkles I would rather eat ass than eat fucking mushrooms all right but every once in a while you gotta a dad send mushroom at the same time Oh a full put Wally intestine. Anyway, what the fuck we're talking about Why you gonna eat her ass if you're not gonna get the full put Wally intestine, you know I'm saying oh

So you stick it? Oh, I don't even want to know the answer that question Oh So you stick it? Oh, geez. I don't even want to know the answer that question Are you? Now you don't it's like diddy fucking the The father from that show from the 80s and shit opening up that old ass and shit old fried chicken coming out of there Fucking sweaty big ass bigger than mine. At least I got no ass I got like two inches of ass between the asshole

and the top of the cheek. There's not a lot that could cultivate. I'm gonna, you just farted and basically shit your pants. You're saying your asshole doesn't smell? I didn't shit my pants. Yes you did. I wouldn't Joe, play the tape. I didn't shit my pants. It ricocheted off the leather chair and it made a weird noise. It was a tremendous fart. But the reason I got that effect was because I didn't shit my pants and ricocheted off the leather chair and it made a weird noise It was a tremendous fart But the reason I got that effect was because I didn't have underwear on when I wear commando shorts I don't wear underwear because then I got a when I got a pee in a rush

I gotta take my dick out of the short jeans and that that's a complete failure for an old man like myself. I got Pre dip piss drip. Yes So sometimes I gotta hold it and just open it up and pull over and it just flies out of my dick. But hey, you've been going commando since I've known you. You haven't been old. Like you were like 45 when I met you, 47, 48. What are you saying?

But then you've been going commando the whole time. So you weren't an old man back then. No, no, no, no. When I wear shorts, I gotta go commando. If I wear warmups or jeans, well with jeans, anything with pants and a belt, I have a hard time with boxer shorts. Right.

When I wear sweatpants, I gotta have the nice, because you don't wanna sweat into the, into the fucking sweat pant with that old ball sweat. Oh yeah. So you wanna have a layer between the, why are we talking about this? I don't know. You're talking about just sprinkle your fucking eyeballs with a manscape, the wrinkle cleaner, and you'll be fine. That's the

stuff that take the wrinkles out of your nutsack. That's the word. That stuff works. I have something takes the wrinkle out of your nutsack. Yeah, it's called like the when you get the box the full kit with the gotten that it's great. Yeah, they you get the box, the full kit with the trim. I've gotten that. It's great. Yeah, they have a ball. You come out of the shower, you spray and it takes that elbow meat. It's strange that takes the wrinkles out. And if you're no geez, like me, you're spreading eyeballs and it takes a little fucking circle

from under your eyes out. Oh my God. I had no idea. Yeah. And listen, this is what this show is about informative funny at points and To the point, you know I'm sad. I love it But did you have you I was on the train and I was coming back and I thank God I know I just last week told everyone I shit myself

I didn't shit myself but having to go on the train like that's one thing I'm not used to in New York because there's no like there's no public bathrooms But but they have those things in between the trains. Oh You saw someone pissing off the train walk the track You take your ass right there. It's fine You know listen, you don't know what life is to you shit on a rat When you hear a rat eating and also the piece of shit drops on that fucks them up completely that fucks up that nervous it like

Did you shit on a rat before? No, but I'm just I read about Fuck I can't imagine I've seen those two guys are freaky shit fall on a rat Hopefully zero. What do you do? Who's on a rat? I don't think homeless people shit on rats. I'm not saying that. What if somebody, a bird shits and a rat's walking by and it lands on his fucking coat? He's going to go, I'm supposed to be the pig. Right. Who's coming on my fucking jacket here? They must get pissed off. You see a lot of rats in the trains, brother? Yeah. Well,, even more I see them in the trash.

That's where I see them a lot. I've seen a couple on the train, the trash ones have been bad cause you can, on the train you're never really sure. It's kind of dark down there. And I saw them coming out of like, you know, those like trash barrels that are in like the park. Sometimes they just came out and they like somehow

opened the top and then climbed out and there are two of them and they were big And then I saw one in Central Park by some water I don't know if it could swim or what it was doing, but it was by the water in Central Park And now it was a lot Well whenever I was human fucking rats Those Cuban swimmers rat they got like frog legs in the front I don't know what happened there, but I'm no history teacher a science teacher, but I will tell you I've seen though I bro I saw a rat in 1968. I still can't

I can't imagine what these rats that was what? 20 that's 32 years on the one end and 24 on the other end That's 50 fucking six years ago, I saw a fucking rat in my godmother's basement. That to this day, I don't know what I saw. What was it? What happened? It was a fucking rat and it was a foot long.

The tail had to be as long as the rat. But when he looked at me, the look in his eyes and the lights, one in his eyes, me, the look in his eyes and the lights, one in his eyes, like, you know, it fucked me up. I'm like, this rat's got green eyes. And he didn't have green eyes, but it was the way the light was hitting him from the basement.

I know the way in that fucking basement again, that thing, you could hear it run away. Like it was like a fucking tiger or something. I'm like, no fucking way. I saw a roach one time in that basement. Oh, no. Roach was 80 years ahead of its time. It had a head. The thing was like a water bug, but it had an extended head to it. I'm like, what? No. Yeah, because once they come from another country and they start fucking in those basements and in New York City, you don't know what's going to evolve out of there. That's how they say the fucking COVID was made in one of those laboratories. A lot of

shit happens in those basements in New York. You know what I'm saying? So I looked at some basement apartments, thank God I didn't get one of those. No, that's scary in New York. You'll be in your bed and you'll wake up and a rat would already eat your finger. What are you talking about? I think I'd wake up to a rat biting my finger. Oh, yeah And they go I see you already in it. Why you said he already ate it ate what my finger? Let's say you you sleep in a basement apartment. I don't know if you know this Rats breathe hot air on you so they can bite you You'll wake up and you have a little skin missing and you'll go what the fuck blood and there's a rat in your room

No, I'll fuck you. They'll bite you in your sleep and in some of those buildings. They're so fucking old in New York Mm-hmm. They come in through the toilet system. So you got to be careful when you open the fucking toilets in New York If it's new construction, whatever I don't even trust it because those pipes were there. The Indians put those pipes in. Right. I'm gonna have to look it up because I'm leaving. I heard like you're supposed to put stuff over your sinks and your toilet when you leave in case shit comes up. And like your shower too. Oh, you might jump in the shower. There's a bear when you come back and that you eat those seven grams of mushrooms, so what do you mean seven grams?

I thought it was three two nights. We're not doing two. He does a one night Friday night late show No, not this week. You're going into double training because it's three grams Thursday Thursday Friday. Yeah Was the week early you in training again. No more this I gotta go home. I gotta work tomorrow. You're in New York now You're in fucking New York City now cocksuckers drop a pair on Your 36 you're single you got no reason to be anywhere in the morning Except your apartment when you wake up for work, right? So what are we talking about? What do you mean? Why are talking about that?

A lot of mushrooms we eat the mushroom you stay up all night You drink some milk and you get it right in front of the computer. How are you? And they're tripping talking about Martians, whatever you just yes them to death whack them banging one out Whatever you do with your hands under that table. You're creepy motherfucker you I can't I still can't believe that people got Hired for that like who would jerk who can't wait until zoom meetings over It'd be like you jerking off right now You know Like I said, we've painted ourselves

water in this country Can you imagine being on the line with three guys and having to bang one out? That's Psychological problems. Yeah See a guy banging out or a guy watching me while his shoulders dragging and he's breathing Yeah, you're not gonna fucking Louis CK me do it to women, but don't do it to me. I don't Or don't do it to anybody that's fucking crazy Everybody in their life needs for somebody to fucking flash it with their dick in the hand one time just jerking off.

It changes lives. I've seen it. I've seen guys in San Francisco jerk off in front of college girls. Really never the same again. I saw it one time on that fucking whatever. There was like 20 of those little basketball girls and they were like doing some fucking thing in San Francisco in the daytime This is 1985 G money

Okay, I saw some homeless guy just petting his pubes He's just out there like scrubber dub dub just Just he had like a men's brush. Right. Brushing his head. He's like, you know what? It's sunny out. It's a nice day. I might as well brush my pubes. Lee, he was just out there brushing his pubes,

looking at his dick. He was like an old guy, but he had like a six inch dick. Oh, he was sticking his ass out and he was combing it? He was combing the hair around it, like humming, like whistling at the same time Shit how long did it take people to see him everybody saw especially those girls I Was insulted until the girls saw him and then I fucking had a laugh my asshole because he didn't give a fuck Listen 1985 listen, they didn't care

if you jerked off on the street. The poor girls, they're probably at home right now watching fucking Jeopardy. And they still remember that dude, Petanus. Like pubes came up, like the four letter word for pubic hair. And they're like, oh my God. How could you, you could never forget that No, oh my god. I can't believe you haven't told them dude I I didn't see he didn't have his dick out

But I was driving back once from Maine and I stopped at a rest area and I went to go pee and like they're like the Bathroom not outside and I walk in this old dude is just like imagine. This is your crotch just like padding They're staring at the urinal And like I he was there the whole just doing this He probably they got those people that put a straw on the urinal and drink a little bit of it. Oh No, they don't it's called the piss martini and it drives them crazy Listen when you're a comic at those rest areas, when you go to the bathroom.

I'm peeing. Yeah, you better have a stick in your hand or something, because you got to beat them off here. And you're a chubby dude, you stop for a bag of chips. And one of those vending machines, one of those barbecue sticks or something, that's when they come out right from the vending machine. Hi.

Pfft. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha come out right from the vending machine. Hi. Oh my God. They come out. That's terrifying. I don't know what I've never seen. You experienced that on the road? 20 years ago I did. That's how I knew when you go in those rest areas, you mean business. And you're ready to kick a motherfucker because they're creepy. They're like, oh, very creepy. Yeah. Like geekyy guys and they laid it right there in the trunk as you're walking in jerk off the old ladies walking back and forth it's not a nice world we've painted ourselves into a cornerly I had no idea was that right are you're a Winnipeg this weekend yeah Winnipeg this weekend at rumors the 26th through the 28th and then the fourth and the fifth of October, I'm in Weathersfield, Connecticut.

All right, we'll talk about Weatherfield next week. Okay. Let's just worry about Winnipeg this week. Okay. Seven grams of mushrooms, I wish you a lot of luck. It's gonna be a good weekend. Thank you, buddy. We'll be up with the best fungi farm factory,

mushrooms, money can buy. And you can have it. Exactly. Listen, worst case scenario, you got a whole new 10 minutes. Farm Factory mushrooms money can buy and Listen worst case now you got a whole new ten minutes What? Why do I have to take seven grams to get ten minutes? Because the two grams ain't doing shit for you. So you have a great time and I'm alive Yeah, great time and I'm alive, but you don't go back to your room and get philosophical right? I don't want to get philosophical You gotta take your shoes off and take a shower,

walk on your carpet, and then look into the moonlight and see what the fuck's going on. I had no idea it was that serious. Me neither. Stay black, cocksucker. I'll call you later. Love you guys. Have a great week.

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