Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - I'm going to die my way!

Episode Date: April 29, 2025

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt create the migrant workout, why Joey hates people who expect things from him, people who have birthday month's, and Joey finds out that he has been with his wife for twenty five years. Support the show and get 35% off your first 3 NYKD orders. Head to https://www.nykdpouches.com/CHURCH Support the show and get 15% off your Huel order, plus a free gift for new customers, with minimum $75 purchase. Use code CHURCH at https://www.huel.com/church Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app today and use code JOEY. New customers bet just $5 to get $200 in bonus bets instantly.

What's happening, beautiful people? It's Tuesday, the 29th of April. We're almost done with this month, baby. Bring on the dancing girls. It's the church new testament coming at you live on a Tuesday morning. What's happening, beautiful people. Uncle Joey with his beautiful and Jewish co-host, Lee Syat. Shalom. Looking beautiful on a Tuesday morning. What's happening? I've been good. I've been good. I've been good. I've been missing the Net and Yahoo Minute. You've slowed down a little bit on

that. Listen, man, information's coming in very cloudy. I don't want to say stuff and then people saying Joey's putting out misinformation. Can you imagine if you were like, what is that called? Where like you're a plant for Israel? I don't fuck it. You're an industry plant for Israel? Yeah, no,? You're an industry plant for Israel? Yeah, no, I'm not an industry plant for nobody. I'm just a fucking guy trying to get it together. You know what I'm saying? I'm old.

I'm just trying to do some stand-up. I don't know what the fuck is going on anymore. You know, I was telling you on the way in here, I had a situation last week with a fucking friend of mine. I like to say dear friend of mine, but I feel bad because she called and I could see that it was a setup for something and then finally the clouds parted

and showed me the true color of the sky. She's like, can you come over here for my birthday and buy dinner? Like that was the last fucking thing. And I just felt like, you know, like I was telling these guys, if I see you every day, you're like, come over and buy me dinner for my birthday, or come over for my birthday dinner, I'll go over there.

You know what I'm saying? But I don't know. I haven't seen this person in two or three months. Two months tops. You know what I mean? I don't get angry at a lot of people. There's a big difference between come over for my birthday and come over and buy me dinner for my birthday and come over and buy me dinner for my, I don't, I hate, I hate more than

anything people assuming that you're going to do something for them. I don't, I'll, and I'm a general, you're very generous. I'm not as generous as you, but I would buy a friend something just because I wanted to. For someone, anyone who would ask me for that, I don't think would be my friend to be very honest. It was just, that's a terrible thing. They're fucking wacky. They have certain expectations and stuff, but it was one of the wacky. And I didn't even get mad about it till like Tuesday. Because you didn't realize what you said.

I didn't even think about it. I have so much going on in my coconut that I just realized on the drive now, a week later, that fucking this is what went down. I'm like that was the weirdest Because I never heard from her again What a question say you don't call the next day and go hey, I'm sorry how that came off Right. I was just goofing with you. Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-bah No never again That's why it proved to me that that's what they call for for you to just to go buy a dinner and make believe you're their friend for life and take pictures and balloons and shit.

She didn't buy you dinner for your birthday. I didn't even see it for my birthday. Right, exactly. That's such a fucking bullshit thing to ask somebody. I didn't even hear from her on my birthday, I don't think. But I'm the type of guy, I don't worry about that shit. Right, of course you don't. Listen, people have lives.

How many times have you sat there, and it's 1130 at night and you're watching the news or you're about to watch, you know, after the news and that guy always comes on high. It's Wednesday, April 30th. And you're like, April 30th. That's a familiar fucking date. And also you're like, Oh shit, that's my best friend's birthday. So busy all day. Now what are you gonna do? Pick up the phone at 1230 and call him. No, you gotta call him the next day and go, dog, how long we been friends? You know, I'm sorry. So if you don't think that happens in my world,

it happens. Well, people call me a week later and go, dog, I didn't even realize it was your birthday birthday You think I sit there and hang up on no Listen life is so fast and quick life is fast and fucking quick man, and after a certain age you're like I don't even worry about birthdays, bro You got a kid, you know, but your friends you just call them up and say happy birthday You put it on the Facebook page, you know what I'm saying? But your friends, you just call them up and say, happy birthday, you put it on the Facebook page, you know. Happy birthday with explosions, or whatever the fuck they put on there, you know.

Listen, that's my deed for the day. I go on Facebook in the morning, somebody's birthday, I fucking send them a happy birthday. And then sitting there going, what the fuck, this guy, how come he's saying, I grew up with you, you fed me once. Something happened that just propelled me to fucking happy birthday. You did that.

And that should be more than another dude. I can't tell. I'm a weird person, I guess, but I'm busy. And for my birthday, what I love more than anything is to not have to do anything is to just stay home and get like something I want to eat and not have to do shit like that. To have like a birthday month and they have like eight activities planned. Yeah, no, I'm not doing that shit. I have people who celebrate that birthday. It's let's say their birthdays on Thursday, they start Wednesday night and they go straight to Sunday and Sunday is like the big day and you're like, you're not going to get me on

that day. You got to get, you got one day out of me. I'm not doing four days a year because it's your fucking goofy birthday. It's one fucking day, unless you got a pound to blow. Then we go till we go. You know what I'm saying? Then we go till we go, but I'm not going to sit there. And listen, man, people,

some people are really weird about that birthday. Right. And everybody loves having those birthday dinners. And the problem with those birthday dinners is that 10 to 12 people show up. And then it's a fucking challenge when the check comes. It's a challenge. The people who are like, well, I had two drinks at 12.95. Well, bitch, this is a thing called tax and tip. Okay. So 12.95, that's 26 bucks right there. I expect to see a 40 out of you without even hesitation. You bring out the crack, that's the thing that kills me. That's why I don't get involved in those.

That's why when I go to those, I make sure I pick up the tab because I don't want to sit there when jeopardy happens. And they pass it to each other and yeah, well, and then they put the calculator, listen, either take the card out or don't put the fucking calculator out, you're fucking embarrassing me. Oh, it's the worst. Just put the fucking card out. So if you go to dinner with 12 people,

at a hundred a shot, three of them gotta be out these, right? Oh yeah. Four of them out of 12 gotta be, they're gonna be sneaking drinks, $16 martinis trying to get one on you. Now you got, you know, that's $1,200 plus that's $1,600. I can't cover, I'll tell you this all to suck my dick, $1,600. No, fuck that.

$600, $500, I'll cover on the American Express, tell my wife a lie and fuck it. But that shit of 12 people, I don't go to those. No. Once it's more than four people, I don't want to, because once the check comes, everybody, I don't know what happened. They start talking about the past, the future. I gave you a gift last year. I gave you a pet elephant.

Listen, that was last year, motherfucker. The tab just came. And right now I saw you all were having a good time drinking Zombo's and fucking, you know, eating everybody's food and shit. Now the check comes, those people who show up to your birthday thing and, you know, eating everybody's food and shit. Now the check comes in. Those people who show up to your birthday thing and they're like, I'm not going to eat. I'm not going to eat. I'm not hungry.

I've been on dieting lately. I've been fasting. Wait till that first fucking Chinese spare rib. And they start, then they have one, then they have a piece of your egg roll. Then your fat sister can't finish the fucking, the lo mein. Fat people always get lo mein. There was no... We really do. They love lo mein, fat people.

The fucking bag of fucking spaghetti. And then, you know, then the check comes and nobody knows nothing. Then she sits there. I just drank water. No, you didn't. No, you didn't. You ate half the fucking check here

and cat little morsels and just come. You came. Throw out at least 50 bucks in. And it's always, have you ever had this where like they act like they're a big baller and then it comes time to tip? Like I was just out to dinner with somebody and it was like a $200 tab and he was like, he wanted to leave $20 for the tip and it took me a minute and I was like, hold on. He's like, that's enough. And he's like, it's in cash.

They're gonna love it. And I was like, wait a second. That's like 10 per, you can't, and I don't know the server, but like I would feel so terrible doing that. I just saw, I was just in a hotel in that episode that Sopranos was on where that server came out talking shit to Chris and Polly, I think. And they hit him in the head with the brick and killed him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and that like dude, I can't imagine I

as a server I used to I would want to yell at people and I never did and I can't like the people who Under tip piss me off just as much as those listen. I was never a server If you know anything about me people wanted to tip Piss the shit out of much as those people. I was never a server. If you know anything about me, people wanted a tip. Pissed the shit out of me. Oh yeah. It's like the worst thing a person can do. I always need an extra tip. Like if I go out with two or three families

and one of them decides, I go, you know what? I pulled the chick aside. Especially if there's kids at the table. Oh yeah. If there's kids at my table, I'll always tip heavy and I'll pull her aside. Not the fucking bus boy, because that shit will go back to Ecuador or whoever the fuck. You know what's crazy about those migrants? They really like their little backpacks, don't they? They're like half retarded. You always see them with their little fucking

backpacks. I just saw like 10 of them. They all got that military head, dude. Like, I don't know who cuts there. It's not even a flow bee. It's something else, because it's a flow bee unleashed or some shit. It's like, go straight up this way. But all of them are like half momos with these fucking backpacks.

I don't get it. I can't, you put a backpack on. I can't put a backpack on. What do you mean you can't put a backpack on? Fuck, you're like such a retard. Well, I see somebody with a backpack. That kid, I would have mugged them in high school, or even now I'd mug them, just for general purposes. What do you do with your shit? If you got to carry that much shit, then you need a new life. Where the fuck are you going with all

that shit? They're looking for new lives. That's all they fucking have. Where the fuck are you going? They got those bags, and it's like they're in the Marines and they're walking down, you know, 8th Avenue. Where are you going? Where the fuck are you going? The military bag. I'm just curious, where the fuck are you going? What's in that fucking thing?

Supplies. What kind of supplies? A computer, okay. A computer, well, for me, or for, cause I do, I love a backpack. Yeah, I could tell. But you see me, I've had a backpack for years. I put something in it and I carry it like a man.

I'm not putting it on my back like fucking Agent Orange. That's why you have it. You flew to Texas and all you had was, I think all you had was your sleep apnea machine as your carry on. like you didn't have no Headphones and headphones What if you you don't like carrying a sweater? It's on my charger. I tend my sleep apnea bag now. What about it? Because I've never had knock-on-wood, but like

What if they lost your bag and you don't have shit, you know, you don't worry about this now He's got weed on me. Just in case for luggage. I was worried about clothes or toothbrush. Fuck clothes. We can always buy clothes. You can't get the weed we're flying in. You know what I'm saying?

You can't smoke that weed. So there's always weed, there's always edibles in that bag. And that goes right to security. They don't even stop me. No. I put the weed in my sneakers now. They don't give a fuck. Well dude we just had the DEA guy on. He said they don't give a shit about anything. No. Which is crazy. But they do. They do but they don't. You're not

gonna go through the airport with a pound of weed on your shoulder. Right. But you gotta hide it a little bit, dope it up, you know, not let it stink. Oh yeah. And then there's weed in my bag. So if the weed gets there, the only thing I need from that bag is a hose. I could borrow one of those. I get one from Amazon, deliver it to the hotel in eight hours. Oh, what, from the sleep apnea machine? Yeah. So the only thing I don't put in there is my hose.

But everything else is in there, computer, glasses, wallet, nicotine gum, even for a day just in case. Look, I'm hip. Sometimes you get to the airport and they tell you, you got a nine hour delay. What are you gonna sit there like a fucking Momo? Nah, now you can go back to the hotel room. Right across the street, go right back, listen. And on the way back, you got no gel, you buy a hat.

I got like three hats from places that I wouldn't even put a hat on. I just went to the airport I doped it up before it pops back up the monkey spit wears off. I put a fucking hat on there and that's it I'm looking good. I really don't have that problem, but I can't I can't buy I can't find a hat that fits my head No, look at it Look at the size of that fucking never all and I bought I bought a hat recently and I like it But I feel like such a douchebag. Oh that little Puerto Rican hat. Yeah, keep one of the old Jewish man's hat. What was I'm trying to fuck a faggot on roller skates

skates Do you imagine me on roller skates in New York City? I would die I mean that on all you make $10,000 in the morning. Well, what how? Renting that asshole on roller skates because there's nothing more than a fag like the fucking ass while that asshole on roller skates. Cause there's nothing more than a fag would like to fuck in the ass while you're on roller skates. You give him some roller skates and he's behind you. He's fucking in the ass of Saturday Night Fever.

Just on the way to work. Tremendous, staying alive up the ass. You could be doing that fucking thing. What are those people doing in the Olympics? With the skates and shit? No, the synchronized skating or something? Yeah, staying alive. He's just fucking with a, got a a whistle of Judas Priest hat. Forget about it

Who's better than Lee with roller skates? I would pay to see two faggots fucking on roller skates Yeah, I think so. If you think this episode ain't gonna get 18 and under, it's all over already. Oh my god. Listen guys, if you're sick of this 18 and under shit, just go to Spotify and Apple You know, we're trying our best, but obviously it's not working no more. They wanna put us on 18 and under. We don't even smoke pot on the fucking show. We don't even play music.

We've taken away so many fucking things because it's a shame. It's crazy how far YouTube has fallen. So you could use music on Spotify if you subscribe to Spotify. You could use their music on a podcast or something. There's something weird. Can we stream on Spotify or fucking do anything? We can put video on there.

I don't think they do live streaming yet. You can't say what's in your heart no more. And I'm not going to sit here and amend can't say what's in your heart no more I don't you know, and I'm not gonna sit here and amendments and you know, the freedom of speech that bullshit Okay, that bullshit in my fucking world. That's for comics that want to just make something up. We're we're Avengers. Yeah, okay good You haven't paid your taxes in three years but you're trying to fucking normalize life by fucking Saying some fucking amendment or some who I don't even know what the fucking thing is But dude, it's crazy like because, because think about it, when we started podcasting, whatever it was.

We would meet each other on fire, farting. Oh my god. We were doing everything and then something happened and listen, this is what it is now. I'm not mad at YouTube, they went corporate, rules tightened up and this is the way it's going to be. It is, but it's also like, because I don't know if you knew this, YouTube right now is the number one, it's the number one place in the world where people watch and listen to podcasts. And people, the reason why people love podcasts is because of the hosts, they have a relationship with them.

And podcasts like ours started, we're the reason why podcast, YouTube is up. So I mean, yeah, a lot of it, but, and then for them to like be so short-sighted, like, yeah, I understand if you want them to be 18 plus, but don't hide us. Don't not tell people that we put up a video. We're not even doing anything that crazy. We're not, like, it's so wild where things have gone.

And then, you know, what the consumer doesn't understand is they watch an old podcast and they watch one of these and they go, these guys changed. We didn't change. We didn't change, just the rules changed. It's still crazy. You know, if there was no foul, no harm, no foul, guys, I'd have a three-foot bong in here. I got one somewhere. I got the power one. Don't we have the power one with the fucking hoses and shit? Oh, shit.

You know? I mean, this is it. You know, don't you think I like to talk about music? We had Dean on. We didn't even talk about music. Couldn't even put it on. That's not us. It's not that we're lame.

It's the rules that they... Listen, I spoke to my friend who has the highest podcast in the world, and they 18 him all over when they see Potsmouth. So, you know, guys, this is the business. We have to find the platform. We can go nuts or maybe put one up like that once a week somewhere. We could just go nuts and, you know, naked women and whatever the fuck. You know, that's what I want to do.

I want to get some naked women in here. I want to get a guy and a girl on roller skate dancing and fucking jumping around. You know me, dog. I'm a freedom fighter, but this is bullshit. And it is correct. You know what? Maybe we should put it up on Pornhub,

because Pornhub doesn't give a fuck about anything. Yeah, but nobody wants to see me and you on Pornhub. You imagine how disappointed they'd be. You get home drunk, you're looking a jerk off, you pop up a site and all of a sudden that fucking headless head... Look at my big heads right there. Forget about it. Take that hat and light it on fire when it's in your head.

That's it. Next time you promote a date... Why do I want it to be on my head when it's on fire? Because that's the best thing you could do. You're sitting there and you have a control in your hand, and you just chk, and light it up a little bit, and watch the smoke come out. People will fucking love it, Lee. Yeah, but my head will turn on fire.

Who gives a fuck? I do. You have no hair. If you had hair, then you don't want your head on fire. Yeah, but if I had hair, then it would hide the burns. Listen, you get spots once a month from something. This summer you'll get something. You gotta go to a jacuzzi,

the girl's gonna take you somewhere, you're gonna get the fucking dead eye again. I haven't gotten spots, I haven't been in a jacuzzi probably since then, and the other spots. Dude, if I don't wash my face like three times a day, I'm fucked. I don't know.

You should be washing your face three, four times a day. No, but I bought like special shit. Yeah, me too. Yeah, it's crap I never had to do that. It's not so You scrub that dead skin off your face and let the new fucking face revitalize. God damn it, you know I don't even go with the luffa no more. That's a ripoff. That's the way people fuck No, I get the I get fucking shit That's coarse and that's how I make my asshole one I cut that in half and put on a stick and you rub your little muffler get that gunpowder out from

You really need to start selling that the asshole cleaner that you have. I'm trying to patent it. So relax. Don't give the fuck I Abolish I don't want the cat to get out of the bag here, but I get that hard I've always loved those hard towels and you scrub and you like SOS pads What are you talking about SOS pads where you scrub your fucking balls with? After a long night in Vegas. No, no, I'm talking about the the hand towels There's some that are very soft and there's some that are coarse like a little coarser You like hard ones. I like cuz you want to get that dead skin off

That's what you're opting for. You want to exfoliate your legs. All that skin comes off. All that dead skin comes off. So you want to get like my ears. Some girl tells me that my ears are very shiny. I love that when people tell you your ears are shiny. That means you're fucking getting in there with that cloth and you're scrubbing it.

It gives you a nice little shine. Then you put some cream on there. I know. Dude, do you ever have a girl or a woman wash you in the shower? It was one of the weirdest... It's very nice. It was nice, but it was one of the weirdest things over the summer when I was in Indiana. This girl I was hooking up with just decided that she was...

And she looped me hard. It was... Yeah, because she wanted to get the dead you germs off you and shit that bitch is smart when a bitch washes you because she knows you're a filthy motherfucker and she wants to make sure that ass on those balls are clean before she puts a beautiful mouth on them. No, no it was after sex. It was after sex. That's right she doesn't want you to take her odor with it like a cat. Oh my God. That was wild.

I never had anybody do that before. It's tremendous. When a woman bathes you, you just sit there. But by the time they go to bathe your knees, you get a hard on, it's all over. You know what I'm saying? They never get to your feet, those women. They never get under your knees.

Once they bend over, you see the head in the area, your dick just gradually stands up like a Ouija board, like one of those fucking Indian sticks. You know, what are you gonna do? Then it's all over. They never get to do your feet. Anyway, back to the migrants with the backpacks. Okay.

What the fuck? Why do they have backpacks? Can somebody please fix this microphone? No, don't get up, it's just a joke. I don't wanna talk about the migrants with backpacks either. I don't know what they carry in those things. They brought those from Mexico. They must have some food in there, you would think. Like they could probably set up a taco stand pretty quickly.

Anyway, they could set up. They have no knives. There's no pots and pans. They definitely have knives. No, they don't. Well, they're Spanish. They definitely have knives, but I don't see a frying pan. Yeah, you're right. It's sort of like an Oregon trail. You don't see that? Yeah, no. They're not going camping, these people. They're not campers. Well, they live in the mountains. These poor people. Fuck. They jump through rivers and mountains and shit. They should be the real crossfitters, those motherfuckers. You're gonna start a whole new fitness trend

of like just send white people to cross over the Mexican border? What a great idea, the migrant worker. Seven and nine every day, you climb hills, you jump out of a burning building, you run away from fucking coyotes, you run away from more Mexican people, they chase you to Central Park.

That's gotta be good. You're fucking, they chase you to Central Park, that's gotta be good. You're fucking, they throw you in a mud bath, you gotta see if the, every time you see a green truck, you gotta dive on the floor and shit and do a burpee. Every time you see an immigrant truck, you gotta do a burpee. That's fucking, that's a good idea, guys. Don't be stealing my idea, immigrant fitness. That shit is on fire. It work out, that's everything. Yeah, you can have That shit is on fire. That's it, workout. That's everything.

Yeah. You could have George Peres be the trainer. That's right. You have to run the fucking hills with the backpack. Right. Come on, dog. I'm always thinking. Thank God I smoke weed. I'm always on top of the game. You could have one for each country. You could have a different workout. If you think about it, the Cubans could have swimming. The migrant Olympics. The migrant Olympics.

Oh my God. That's even better we'll get and those holden durans in that jail they just go to live or die it's like a Spanish squid game for those fucking they just sit there all day with underwear and tattoos and hugging each other fucking people in that jail they just get that 50 fucking Mexicans sniffing each other's farts with their legs open in between each other. That's demoralizing.

Yeah, we've seen that. That system is meant to break you, motherfucker. Dude, have you seen that? That system is meant to break. It's like a Cuban jail, no clothes on. You wanna shit, shit in that hole on the floor. Paper, toilet paper, ha ha. Good luck, that's why those two hands are four. Oh my God, are you serious? and morrow? Fuck? Yeah dog. You've told me about the shitting, you know

It's like when these people come here russians you go slobbies all these people they go to our prisons They're like are you fucking kidding me? This is club med You got to fight for your food in those prisons. There's no food They they throw out like a chicken leg and there's eight guys in there somebody's dying There's no food. They they throw out like a chicken leg and there's eight guys in there somebody's dying Fuck that have you seen I think I forget if it was Mexico or somewhere, but like They were just on it like the gangsters like the cartel or whatever still runs the prison Yeah, like they have one of them had like their families were still there

That's wild. I can't imagine What about like going to like a country like that and going to prison there just by accident if you weren't vacation, bro I Wouldn't wish on anybody. Oh I wouldn't wish on anybody. That's why people say they may believe in the country listen Don't buy no coke Don't buy no weed from a Chinaman, you know, Thailand, don't they kill you? One of those. Yeah. One of those. They just kill you. There's nothing you don't know. I think it's the Philippines.

Yeah. I'm not gonna move for none of that shit. I know what happens here and nobody's going to throw me in jail for smoking dope here. Nobody's going to hit me in the knees. And you think, Joey, you're shallow. I am. Cause I don't want to get in trouble. I'm the kiss of death. All I do is go to a hotel. The guy pushes me. I am. Because I don't want to get in trouble. I'm the kiss of death. All I do is go to a fucking hotel, the guy pushes me, I say something, next thing you know I'm getting beheaded. And I'm doing 50 years and the government's on TV begging for me. Nobody wants me, you know. The Cubans, the Pope will let Joe Diaz live. I don't need this.

You don't think the government would come and try to exchange you? Dog, the government don't give two fucks about you. That's why I was talking about Russ Perot the other day. Because when his fucking people got kidnapped, his employees, he got a guy that was retired to train his other employees to save the ones that were locked in. And he made a promise to their families to have them back by Christmas Day, and he did. Really? And that's why in my world I like Americans like Ross Perot. Because everybody else will tell you a fucking story.

Kissinger was trying to block him. He went around Kissinger. He was like, fuck this. My people are not going to spend the holidays in that fucking Iranian jail. Oh, that was the Iranian Contra thing or whatever? Well, this is more like the 1979. That Ben Affleck movie? No, I don't think it was the, maybe it was.

Maybe it was, but there was something else, weren't there? I'm not really good at- Yeah, I forget what that was. I'll find it. I gotta get that book again. I read that book in prison. The Ross Perot story on wings of eagles. That's the name of the book.

They made a series on NBC, a three-part series on NBC. I was already locked in jail. I'm gonna have to go look that up, because I don't- My jail didn't have NBC, you know what I'm saying? That's fucked up. So he was just a business owner? Russ Perot?

Yeah. He did something, oil, I don't- No, I'll have to look it up. He's a Texas guy. Oh, of course. And they went over there to do something, they held him, and he promised the family he'd be home by Christmas. And he did it.

He had his own people break into the fucking jail over there with that dude. He was supposed to be like a Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now type of dude. Oh, okay. Jesus Christ. One of those commando type motherfuckers. Very interesting. Did you... I forget if I I yeah, he ran for president He lost to Clinton. I thought I knew the name so I didn't realize he was a business guy before that

He would come out and go These guys are paying for this with your money I'm paying for this with my money because he was we looked it up in the Rogan podcast He was worth a couple billion. Dude. I like him a lot. Oh He was tough. He had big ears and shit. Tough, tough little guy. He fucking meant what he said. And he said what he meant.

Old school American, old school fucking dude from Texas. Just old school. This is old school. When they say something to you, they fucking do it. I can't imagine getting like your employee out of fucking prison. Well, I got two old guys that I would have lived like them. If I had that money, him and that other dude that married the fucking Playboy bunny when

he was 90, that'd be me. If I had all that money and my wife was dead. The one who died like a week later or whatever it was? Whatever. And Nicole Smith? She had to suck his dick one time. I don't think they had Viagra then that's the problem Like he couldn't put it to the test

But with that kind of money I'll go to New York and make them give me an implant that squirts And fucking and fucking things come out of the ceiling and fireworks that type of shit. Oh, yeah, I'm having a good time That's so that those are the only two options for you. Either you're gonna be like a Guy training his employees to save his other ones. I don't have parole money. I'm just saying if I did have parole money, I would live like he lived. He just, but I also liked Marshall. Right? What was his name? Edgar Marshall or something like that. Marshall.

That's the guy. I would go that way. Fucking old. The guy had fucking blood spots on his head. He went into a strip club. He saw it. He just fell in love with it. He gave it like a fucking diamond ring. When you could give a woman something and not even miss it. Oh my God. Like when I could take two million out to buy a woman something, and it doesn't even put a crack in my account.

And even if it did, at his, he knew he was dying. He was like, I'm gonna have a fun, whatever it was. I'm gonna die my way, motherfucker. Yeah was like, I'm going to have a fun, whatever it was. I'm going to die my way, motherfuckers. Yeah. Why? Fuck your kids. My rules. I'm not going to die sitting in a room with ukuleles and priests taking my money. I'm going to get myself a big fat fucking looking blonde with a big ass and big titties. Yeah.

Who doesn't have a conscience and wants to live comfortably for the rest of our life. Like, listen, man, I'll give you my $60 million fortune, but you're going to suck dick conscious and wants to live comfortably for the rest of our life. Like, listen, man, I'll give you my $60 million fortune, but you're going to suck dick until I drop. When I drop, you're going to be licking my nutsack with fucking whipped cream on it. And good for her. How much like, I think that's worth it. Fuck yeah, to suck an old dick and to have 60 million. And then at the end, she got nothing. She really got nothing. I didn't follow the...

The son took everything. Something. They got pissed. They're like, we don't think he was in the right mental state, which he wasn't. He's 90 and she's putting that 23 year old fucking monkey in his face that smells like barbecue chicken and God knows what else. Forget about it. He's like, I think he was in the exact right mental state. His kids probably weren't helping him, hanging around, visiting him like once a month or something. The dude did that from the, what was that team when the guy told her she couldn't date black people?

The Clippers. The Clippers. He was old too. He just fucking said, I'm getting myself a young chick. You know what? I don't get a hard on, but it's better than looking at my old fat wife. I'm gonna get her to dance for me with bikinis on and shit. I think women are doing it too. Aren't they doing it now? Like you hear, I hear a lot of like,

maybe not as big of an age difference, but like women are going for like 20 year old guys when like 50 to 20. I would do it. I love an older woman. I always have. There was a woman to that show at the dentist this morning who had to be 58, 59, just stunning. Still had a little body, still had cute little feet.

Usually when their feet start going, that's it. When they start getting those bunions and it goes crooked and shit. Right. But dude, if you're in your 60s. But you gotta see my feet. They ain't no fucking They ain't no portrait of europe either I was looking at my feet the other night. That's not I have to go like a foot specialist and they gotta start from scratch I gotta pull nails off

Pull nails off. Oh, I got a nail that points up like it goes north now. What did you do to your feet? I don't know I don't listen this fun guy thing. I've done everything. And every time I eat mushrooms, they grow. Like I think the mushrooms from the fucking mushrooms go into my toenails because the other night I buffed them out and I got high in the room. I was seeing shit. I buff them out and it lands on my finger. You got to smell that finger. It is God awful. So you get secondhand smoke from your toenail dust?

Oh yeah. That is fucked up. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don that finger. It is god awful. So you get secondhand smoke from your toenail dust? Oh yeah. You get fucked up.

That is fucked up. And I sprinkle them on the edibles and I give them to you. I know you do. He keeps giving me these coconut ones that have this white powder on it. That's it? That look like you packaged them. And it had a weird taste to it. Yeah, they're sugar. They don't taste like sugar. Yeah, that was like the neptotein,

whatever they put. Oh my God. The sugar substitute. Yeah. Oh my God. Fucking crazy, dude. What are you gonna do? We're getting older, you know?

Yeah, but- My feet are fucked up. I mean, I looked at them the other day, I put cream on them. I got like blood spots. It's a nightmare. Like if I ever turned 90 and get a 16 year old girlfriend, whatever I do is doing 23 year old girlfriend I'm not to get my dick suck with socks on you know embarrassed notice

You don't like doing that with dick with socks on the backpack. No look at Bill Belichick. He's 73. She's 24 No, that's abuse She has this is a joke here. Okay, this is a joke. I don't think I could show my balls to a Europe. Listen, if you're 55, yeah, you can look at my balls. That's what you see every day of your life when you're 55. But when you're 26, you don't deserve that as a woman. She's running for like Miss America, but she's like as Miss New Hampshire or Miss Maine, one of those two I just read, she has a job at the University of North Carolina.

Right, he got her a job. And she was in the Dunkin' Donuts Superbowl commercial. Right, because he put her in there, not because Dunkin' Donuts called her. Exactly, so I'm saying, So it's a fucking scam. His balls must not be that bad. The what?

His balls must not be that bad. No, they are bad. That's why he has to get a job for the stick around. He's given us three different fucking incomes. Yeah. Okay. So that's, it just doesn't look good. I know he's got a daughter or a son somewhere and they have a hard time with that.

Oh yeah. They have a hard time with that. He has multiple kids. Yeah. So, I mean, when you have a 24 year old girlfriend and your daughter was 38, it's just there's just some shit that just doesn't look good. Obviously I know you're married nothing's ever gonna change but like did you like I had a rule when I was last single that I didn't want to go under 25. If in a

different world at 62, what do you think the youngest you would go is? Forty-five. Okay. I have something to discuss with her. Right. I have something to discuss. What am I going to do with a 30-year-old? 30-year-olds are great. They're great. They're cute. They're silly. But come on. There's not a lot of 30 year olds that are going to hold you every day, that you're going

to hold the conversation with every day. Now you're going, Joey, who the fuck are you kidding? You're in it for the blow job. No you don't. Because I come in a minute. What am I going to do for the other 23 fucking hours? Okay? I mean, that's why you have to look at it.

I had a rule when I was younger. And as much people want to know or not, when I was doing coke in the 90s before I met my wife that whole nine-year run. I had a rule man, and it's a simple rule Look at her and talk to her if you could wake up to her in the morning Bring her home with you But if she's gonna annoy the shit out, you might as well go home and jerk off. If she's already starting to get annoying late in the night and drunk, and now she's

going to go back to your house, she's going to be even drunker, and then she's going to pass out, and you're not going to get…then you got to wake up to her with that drama in the morning, with that alcohol breath and God knows what else. Now you got to give her a ride home and shit. Think about it. Oh, so after I was like 30, after I left Boulder, I had more control in my mind like that. I had more control of what am I getting myself involved in? Because when I left Boulder, I was sleeping with women, but there was nothing.

They call me at two. Hey, do you have any blow? Yeah. Can I come over? I have a blow. And some of them will call, can I bring my girlfriend? No. Because then I gotta work two chubbies.

I'm saying no. So did the walls change? I enjoyed it. I enjoyed these girls calling you at two or you going to a bar and seeing them and going, hey man, I got a gram of coke and they're like, let's go back to your place. But after a while I got old,

cause there was nothing there. I'd see him a week later. And it was like nothing was there. And listen, everybody likes to have sex when they're coked up and shit. But it wasn't working for me anymore. I was fucking, by the age of 32, when I left Boulder, I'm like,

when I get a girlfriend, I'm getting a girlfriend. And I met a girl and I dated her for four years and it was okay. And then after that, I went off for two years. And again, I was bumping into comedian chicks, you know, on the road, whatever. And I'm like, what the fuck am I doing again? Then I met Dari.

I hated just dating for exactly the reason why you said it. I like listening. Do you want me to tell you what I like? Yes. I like picking you up or you picking me up, smoking a joint, going and getting something to eat, going someplace else and getting a couple cocktails, talking a little bit. Listen, we all want a banger the first night. Of course.

But then again, I mean, now people are banging in two nights. Listen, dude, I had- People are banging in two or one night. They're banging in an hour. In an hour. You know, so it's kind of very, I always liked working for it. I don't mind working for it. When something's too easy, you're not going to do anything with her anyway.

When a chick tells you, I love to suck dick, you're not going to get your dick sucked at all. That's just stupidity coming out of her fucking mouth and then your little ears get clocked up. You're buying her drinks at the bar and next thing you know she leaves with a chubby dude with a missing foot and fucking you're drinking that. You're like, I don't, you know.

Dude, you know, I like the struggle. I like meeting a woman and talking to her and meeting her mom and talking to the mom and the dad and that's another thing. You know, talking to them and seeing what you're going to the mom and the dad. That's another thing, you know, talking to them and seeing what you're going on and then yeah, you want to eat their ass and have fun. That's something else, but at least you got something out of it. Right. Even if it don't work tomorrow when I see you next time,

it's going to be cool. I didn't do it for a month. I didn't do it for six months and get everybody going on or starting. There was just little things and it was just weird after I got married and divorced. And then I, I went through that shit two or three years of just coke chicks, very seldom that I asked a chick out for dinner. You just didn't want to? I didn't meet them in that capacity. I would always meet chicks out at night when they were doing coke.

Nobody wanted to eat them when they're doing coke. I can't even take it for a cheeseburger. And so none of those coke nights ever turned into like, hey, let's actually go and be in a relationship or all of those were like... Two or three times we'd hook up after that. Maybe I'd go to the house and smoke a joint one day. I was walking in the mountains and I would go by the house and smoke a joint or something. And then, you know,

a week later she's at a show with some other dude and then a week later they're calling me up going, hey, can I come over at 330? No, no, yeah, what the fuck? I'm sitting here with my dick in my hand. You might as well come over. Right. But then like, do they even stay the night or are they just, as soon as the coke's gone, they're gone?

Some of them stay the night, some of them boogie at four or five in the morning after the deed was done and the coke was gone But because what you said I think was exactly right if you're annoyed with them or if they're not if if There's not someone you want to hang out with it's always gonna be bad It's like like what you were saying like of course guys want to get laid. I'm sure women do too Yeah, they go out they get dressed up. They did their toenails their fingernails They don't want to go out to talk to somebody about insurance. But that's different. That's different.

Going to a club or a bar and hooking up, I think is different than the dating apps. And I've had a couple women just come right over on the dating apps and none of them were anybody that I should have been with. And not like I was 300 pounds too. But then you call them late at night and you invite them to you house. Yeah, no, it was 100% on. I'm have been with. And not like I was doing the pounds too. But then you call them late at night and you invite them to you house. Yeah, no, it was 100% on. I'm not blaming them, but I'm just.

Me and my McDonald's. And see if they can order what they order. They order the fish sandwich, they smell like shit. Just keep going, you know what I'm saying? Dude, if I got him a McDonald's, just come home. Do you remember, there was a girl you called Milkshake and she wants, my other friend, same girl, her nickname was Tater Tots because she Uber Eats Tater Tots and then got into an Uber to my house. And at that point I wasn't a prize either.

Uber Eats Tater Tots. Oh, plenty of people. That's some fucked up shit. Oh yeah. The crazy one to me is Starbucks. Just getting coffee delivered. I see that. And listen man, people live in that world. I don't like nobody touching my shit.

So I'm cool with it. It's really weird that I'm telling you guys this because it's a true story. When I met Terry, I was ready for Terry. I was so ready for Terry. I didn't get serious with Terry at all for like two months. It was sporadic. We did coffee. I would go to her house for lunch.

I would see her at the Comedy Store at night. Some nights if she was working, I wouldn't go down there. Then I'd disappear for two weeks. I wasn't really with her in the beginning. You were like building a friendship? Yes and no. We were swapping spit, you know, that type of shit. But I still remember one, like two months in, like, and this is when I knew, I go, I

got to get my life together. Two months in, I finally started hooking up with her. And one night we met at Ralphie's house. I told her I wouldn't see her for a couple days. I was coming to New York. I'm like, I'm not going to see you for a few days, but I'll definitely see you when I get back. And she showed up at Ralphie's like 2, 3 in the morning.

She goes, you know what? I want to hang out with you a little more. And we hung out. We stayed up the whole night. I'll never forget. I had maybe four cigarettes. That's the time I came through Denver and went behind the bar and just stole a pack of cigarettes

from one of those coffee shops at the airport. That's how broke I was. Probably had four cigarettes, maybe a joint, maybe $20. It was like a Tuesday night when I was leaving. It was her slowest night. Like Wednesday night, she made like 35 bucks. She gave me a whole 35 bucks. And I go, what are you gonna do for the day?

And she goes, I got change at the house. And I'm probably gonna sleep half the day anyway. And that's when I go, you know what? I gotta get my life together. When I come back, I gotta start dating her. She just gave me the last money out of her purse, the last pack of cigarettes she had, and she drove me to the fucking airport.

And usually you're embarrassed in front of a girl if you need to do that. You're fucking embarrassed, okay? And you didn't ask for it, I'm sure. I didn't ask for it. And like, just to tie this back into what we started the podcast with, with your friend who was like, come buy me dinner for my birthday. That's why you married Terry. And it's like that kind of like, yeah, I'm sure you must think about that all the time. I would.

All the time. All the time. She gave me that money. And I remember coming to New York and going, I got to get my life together. Like this is something that she's okay. You know, I got to do something. And after that, I think I moved in with her maybe a month or two after that. And she still tells the story that when we got there, she goes, bring your clothes and

your stuff. And I showed up with one bag and she goes, where's the rest of your stuff? And I go, this is it. And she goes, don't you have a lamp, a radio, a TV, anything? And I'm like, no, this is it. I had a bag, guys. Fuck. When I moved in with my wife, I had a fucking bag.

And it probably wasn't that big. It was just a duffel bag, right? It was a fucking army duffel bag. Four pair of pants, a couple sweatshirts, a CD player, some socks, toothbrush, gel. I had no underwear, I couldn't afford them. Well. There was no underwear in those days. It was cocaine underwear.

I was gonna say, you could have afforded them. Cocaine was window number two. Cause by the way, underwear is like a one-time expense. It doesn't have to be like a weekly. But still. Why wear it? Why buy a couple packs of underwear? Why waste the eight dollars on three of them?

You know what I'm saying? $8 time every three months, that's what? Fuck it. Every three months you're buying underwear. Yeah, every three months you gotta buy underwear. You're disgusting. I got big balls. My fucking, you know.

But there's a picture there, I saw a video of my balls. Somebody put it on Instagram, the one from the, when I took my balls off to the comedy store thing. I saw them on YouTube. I got like 92 million hits. I haven't gotten a dime. Fucking balls, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, they probably demonetized it.

Yeah, they demonetized it. They kept all the money. I guarantee there's 20 ads on my balls. Fucking TV fucks. But yeah, man, that was, you know, it's weird that I'm about to have an ad on my balls. I'm about to have an ad on my balls. I'm about to have an ad on my balls. I'm about to have an ad on my balls.

I'm about to have an ad on my balls. I'm about to have an ad on my balls. I'm about to have an ad on my balls. I'm about to have an ad on my balls. I'm about to have an ad on my balls. I'm about to have an ad on my balls. I'm about to have an ad on my balls. I'm about there's 20 ads on my balls. Fucking D.V. Fox. But yeah, man, that was, you know, it's weird that I'm about to have an anniversary with her this year. And I've been thinking a lot about that,

but we gotta cut to a break real quick. We're gonna talk to you about DraftKings, Huell and Nick, all right? We'll be right back, cocksuckers. Hey, I wanna welcome Huell to the church family. Listen, if you want the taste of a real milkshake without the extra pounds of a milkshake, you need Huell. Huell is a complete meal in a bottle

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Right now, get some Nick products and get the party started. We're back in black. You know, I was talking before the break about that this year, this June, will be 25 years I'm with that crazy woman. That's crazy. 25 years. 25 years. When she mentioned it to me like two months ago, what are we doing for our anniversary?

I'm like, one anniversary. And she's like, July, we've been together 25 years, Joe. And that destroyed my insides. I'm like, how the fuck did I last 25 years with a woman? I never thought I could make it past four years. I lasted four years with my ex-wife, I lasted four years with the girl after that. I lasted four years with my ex-wife. I lasted four years with the girl after that. I was a four year man. I mean, and I love you. But do you ever think,

because for Terry to deal with, because Joey Diaz, 24 hours a day, that's 25 years, I don't think a lot of people would have made it. And you're a great husband. I'm not saying you do anything wrong. It's not as bad as you think. It's not like it's constant. I'm not saying you're, but I'm just saying it's to last, for anybody to last.

But you know, like you've talked, and this is not a negative thing about you at all, but you've talked about like, especially at the beginning, how wild you were to last through those years. It's not easy. For seven years, she didn't know if I was coming home or not. That's crazy. Cause even when I was home, she's like, when is this motherfucker? When is the phone going to ring? And when is he going to leave again?

She used to get really upset. Like you were home at 12. When I went to bed, you were home. I got up at seven to go to work and you were not home. Where would you go? I would fucking go out in Hollywood. You just didn't like being home or like, I had a drug problem. Okay. When you have a drug problem, you don't want to be a fucking home. I would bring the drugs home, do them, and then go, what am I doing here? I gotta get out of. And I'd get back, wait till I sober up a little bit, make some

calls and get the fuck out of there. And in those days, there was always somebody up in Hollywood. Always. I had a friend over on whatever, she was a drunk and there'd be people over there. She went to the bar. So at three, she'd go home hammin' and bring gay guys over there, and they'd be doin' coke and shit. And I'd slip by there. I had a couple Mike Fabermans. I'd slip by his house at two. In those days, there was always action. The guys at the store would hook up again at two and go to some parties and shit. And I would let them know, and they would call me. It was a different world then and then like by 2005 The paranoia started hitting me different. I wasn't going out after I got home at night. It slowed down a lot

Then I got off of the 2007 the rest was but it's funny I was thinking about that neighborhood that one night. I went downstairs to meet My D I had three dealers at the time and I didn't want them to know what I was doing. I didn't want them to know how much I was doing so I would go to all three of them instead of just sticking to one. And the guy at night, he was a bartender, his name was Johnny Blade. I used to call him Johnny Blade. And he would come over on a motorcycle. He got out of work at 2. He'd be by my house like 2.25. I could time him every night because it was two blocks away.

And I'd be downstairs. I remember one night I'm waiting for him. And I'm out there on the steps and I'm looking. And there used to be a light, not on my block, but a YMCA. But down the block there was a light. And I'm looking at this light. And I'm looking at this car and and I'm looking at this car, and the light turns red, and he's in no danger of stopping.

I could hear the engine going, and he's like, oh, and he flew past me. And not two seconds after, the car was chasing him. It was shooting with a gun. And you could hear the bullets, and you're pow, pow, and I'm out there, fuck, maybe I should go inside, fuck, no, I'm waiting for my coke. I don't give a fuck who gets shot.

Holy shit. Like that neighborhood used to be fucking insane. So that's what I'm saying to you. I was out, I would go to Sergio's house. Sergio always had parties late night over there. He would fall asleep and I'd take the coke out of his pocket. And then he'd call me in the morning. What happened, man?

I had an eight ball in my pocket. Somebody took it out, that chick. That white chick, blame it on her. It was just a different fucking world, Hollywood back then. And we'd do spots at the store, and that's where the party started. It was at the store where the party originated, you know, and in those days, I mean.

And meanwhile, you're starting a relationship with Terry. So yeah, I mean, and meanwhile, you're, like, starting a relationship with Terry. So, yeah, I mean, and then there's been a few different phases, because then, like, you stopped doing coke. Terry was phases, because I still remember Terry waking me up one morning, like, after breakfast and go, I need to talk to you. And those days, Marilyn Martinez would call the house every night at three in the morning. Like just to see, and those days, Dice used to house every night at three in the morning Like just to see it in those days dice used to call the house at three and was a house phone or cell phone There's a house phone. So the whole house would ring And when they I wasn't home and Marilyn called at three in the morning and when my wife answered she goes cocksucker And Terry fucking blew a gasket.

My wife loved Marilyn, God rest her soul, but she kind of got a little like, you know. At three in the morning, cock sucker's a little bit more. Yeah. And when the next morning we had breakfast and she's like, I gotta talk to you about something. She goes, you know, I've dated guys, but this is fucking insane, Joey. Phone rings, you gotta go out, fights at the comedy store, fucking, that was the heyday at the comedy store. She was watching everything. Remember, I would

host on Sunday nights, so she was watching everything. There was always a dilemma up there. There was always an argument. I was always torturing those fucking guys and she would deal with all this She would have to deal with all this shit You know and you know, there was a lot of times when you're at the comedy store, man You're at the fucking comedy store. You do a set you get off women are gonna talk to you and the other waitress is running Go Joey's talking to a girl in the hallway. Look if I was taught Even if I was talking to her outside, I'm talking to her in the hallway so she would know.

That's why my wife don't give a fuck about nothing now. Because my wife was at the store those first four years and she saw it. She saw it. She saw the life of a comic and then she came home with me. So she saw the life of a comic from the inside out, like she saw it, and she understood it, and she heard about what the other comics were doing, and then she just left me to fuck alone. Until this day, I have, as a husband, I have one of the longest ropes in the world. If I call my wife right now and go, hey, I'm not coming home tonight,

I'm going to stay at the office. She wouldn't say nothing to me. She trusts me that much. So she would go, okay, just be careful tonight. You're going to go out and all you go out drinking. We don't even talk about drinking, right? But there's no, like she doesn't, she could, she walked into the house, the real one. And I was talking to two women and she came right over, I introduced them, the women were like, oh my God, you know. She knows, she fucking knows.

I tell her pretty much everything, even though sometimes it takes me a week or two. But I still tell her. I still tell her and she giggles and she likes it, I tell her about stupid chicks and she fucking giggles, and she's been with me. Talk, she was with me at dinner one night when a fucking girl said something to me.

And she was pissed. She was like, how dare that woman say that in front of me. A girl hit on you in front of your wife? Oh yeah. And she's alive? We were at a big restaurant and the girls were there. Oh okay. The kids there and shit.

And I got up to go to the bathroom. And when I was coming out, there was two girls. They're like, we take a picture. So my wife was going to the bathroom. And when I was coming out, there was two girls. They're like, we take a picture. So my wife was going to the bathroom with the girls. And my wife heard the whole fucking thing. I even said to my wife, honey, I'm going to take a picture and get to the table. She goes, don't worry, I got to go into the thing with one of the girls and the mom. And she was walking.

That's when the girl said it in my ear. She said something really like out of control. Like I don't, I would just, I just sat there and go, this is a confused girl. I show him my balls. She's going to faint three times and gag, but she had to be a prostitute. She was really good looking, very flamboyant. She looked like she was a prostitute. If she's talking to, if she's talking about that stuff with your wife right next to you, she's something. Oh yeah, like they say crazy shit, my wife giggles, you know? You gotta remember

that people hang out with my neighborhood of women. I hang out with two women pretty much in my neighborhood. You always hang out with women. They're both married. I have a great time with them. I made one of my partner, I made little stupid videos on it for goalie and shit Oh, yeah, Steve's wife, of course and then ravioli. I always talk to ravioli every two days about something You know what? I don't think we've ever talked about How did you feel about dating her when she was when she worked at the store? Because that doesn't seem like something you would allow Not something that I wouldn't allow just for yourself personally like just dating someone where you work there you worked at the store. Cause that doesn't seem like something you would allow. Not-

Something that I wouldn't allow? Just for yourself personally, like just dating someone where you work there. Listen, I had been going to, when I met Terry, I'd been going to the store for three years. I was a regular there. Never really had any drama in there. I know rules.

There's rules to comedy, especially on the road. Rule number one is don't hit on the way she's on the road. Even if they like you, don't hit on them because that club owner watches everything. Eventually, he's going to fire her and then you're not going to be able to go there, especially as a feature act. Because feature acts are wild. When I was a feature act, I had to do 30 minutes and just hang out by the bathroom.

You could hang out by the bathroom? Yeah, and wait for girls to come over. All right, that was funny, oh my God. Especially when I opened for Rogan. Wow, yeah. Just come up to you, oh my God, can you introduce me to Rogan again? But, you know.

No. I'm just saying that it was, when you're a feature act, you're buck wild. You make mistakes, man. Right. And I made them and I never went back to those clubs and they would make a thousand excuses. But at the end of the day, I knew why. I did the coke with a waitress.

I slept with a waitress. That's just little rules, you know, and I wasn't paying attention to her. I love to tell you, you know, I was paying attention. In those days, I didn't give a fuck. If it wasn't the improv or fucking the theater, I didn't give a fuck. I would never think, I never thought I was gonna get back. So I wouldn't mind burning the bridge from time to time.

But back to your question, which is a very interesting question. When I saw Terry, there was something about Terry, I liked her eyes. And we started talking and I was like off the kilter. And that's why I was like hitting on her kind of lightly because I know Mitzi didn't allow it. I know Mitzi didn't allow it and she didn't like it, but if you were in already and she found out, she wouldn't care. Right. She's not going to take you.

And she didn't find out that we were already living together. It was too late. I already told Mitchie we're living together. Oh. Would she have been mad if she found out not from you? Yeah. That's wild, that's crazy. That's a whole nother thing.

I didn't like it either. Listen, if you think I like dating a girl that I live with at the fucking comedy store, you're fucking crazy. But in reality, it kept an eye on me. It watched over my career, because I got to made a bad mistake those years. And she was right there to justify it,

and go, no. And it was funny, after she started working at the store, it was, there was still some nights of craziness. Don't get me wrong. Right, I'm sure. Some stuff that she saw, not from me, not from me. So she started understanding the game more. And then she would put labels on like,

if that happens to you, Joey, she she's not you know, we would discuss it So she got to see that also the craziness what is women in the audience? When they're there with a man and they come up to you and go fuck you upstairs And then go back and sit with that man that never happened to me, but it happened at the store It's a reality that fucking happened so Listen, I don't know how it worked But it happened at the store. It's a reality and it fucking happened. So listen, I don't know how it worked. There's days I'm like fucking 25 years, and a kid, and a kid.

I had a woman who ran from me when we got divorced. She fucking ran like her asshole was on fire. Talked about me, fucking torture me in the courtroom, tortured me in life. I took a beating. I didn't ever want to get married and I didn't ever want to have a child again, but I met Terry and then the relationship, I was like, this ain't going to last. This ain't going to last. Cause I'm a fucking animal. At that time I was out there where the buses don't run.

But she calmed me down a little bit and then I got off the coke and then like a year after I got off the coke, there were some problems at the house. She was like, I'm getting old and nothing's happening here. And I was like, I told you when we hooked up, there's no marriage in this fucking house. I already did it. I failed. No reason to do it again. Once you fail at something like that, like marriage, like I failed the most basic thing you could fail at communication. That's basic. Communication is basic. And we get together with women for different reasons, and yes,

it's okay if you don't like somebody after eight fucking years. It's okay. There's nothing wrong with you. But in that situation, I failed because I had everything in front of me. I had a job with her. I liked her family. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. But I also wanted to do fucking comedy. I also wanted to do comedy in a bad way. There was no way I was gonna go fucking sell roofs from the rest of my life.

I had to at least know that I failed at comedy and then I would go back to a job happily. But there was no way at that age I wasn't gonna get into comedy. It had been on my mind for too long, you know right and then You know I cuz I don't think I don't necessarily think you fail, you know, it didn't wasn't a great end to the relationship But I think it's great. I think I think it's better

I honestly think it's better to break up than to stick around for the kids. I see it now I see it now when I go to softball games, parents who don't communicate. The kid knows. A hundred percent. The fucking kid always knows. So in my house, listen, when you walk in my house, especially with my daughter and shit, I wanted my house to be completely opposite of the house I grew up in. We all do, right?

I didn't like that about my house to be completely opposite of the house I grew up in. We all do, right? I didn't like that about my house, I didn't like that about my house, and I didn't like that about my house. If I get a house someday, it's gonna be different. And that's what I've done with this house. And one of the things is like a no pressure, like we don't have to get up at eight and everybody has to jump in the shower and you run out of hot water. Like she gets up, let her jump in the shower and you run out of hot water. She gets up, let her jump in the shower and my wife and I lurk. I lurk till about nine o'clock. Then I jump in, I get out of there, and I kind of have to... So that takes a lot of stress.

There's just little things that nobody drinks in the house. Nobody drinks alcohol in that house. So there's no fucking arguments, there's no drunk talk, there's none of that shit in my fucking house. I smoke dope in the garage or sometimes I go outside in front of the car. You know, nothing's in my fucking house. Like, I don't want no smoke upstairs, I don't want... You know, you have to...

This is what I have to do to maintain this house with a daughter in the house. Would it be different with a son? Yes and no, you still have a child in the house. Would it be different with a son? Yes and no, you still have a child in the house. So there's a certain way you have to act when you have this child in the house. I don't want to smoke pot in my living room. I'd rather she don't see me and she...

Have her suspicions maybe. Have her suspicions. I'd rather her do that. And she knows. Right. rather her do that and she knows Right. She was told me when she knows from my stashes But I don't want it to be the Grateful Dead in my house with a bunch of fucking people drunk That was never gonna happen. No, dude, and it's crazy because I have this written down Another word I would use for what you're talking about. I think you've used it before is peace peace I it's crazy how much of a difference that has when you have a a peaceful life, how much of a difference makes it in your whole life?

When I tell you, George, Nick, my wife, Christina, that I love you, when somebody tells you they love you, like, what the fuck? What, are we gay? What, are we faggots? No, that's a promise that I'm never going to bring stress into your life. That's a promise that a cop's not going to call you at three in the morning and go, George, come bail him out. You know, all the things that would upset George would upset you. I had to do that. That's, that's when you tell people you love them, I'm not going to put no drama in your fucking life.

Nobody's going to knock on your door, go,, Joey killed somebody at three in the morning, you know, come down to the state. No, no, no, no. If anything, I'm here to help you. You know, if anything, and if I don't have it, we'll get it. We'll figure it the fuck out. George knows, I'll climb through a fucking window. George saw me on a Friday, took a stereo with the fucking social security check.

He knows. George knows. Don't fucking test me, motherfucker, because I'll take it. I'll take everything. I'm an old school fucking thief. I will take everything. You understand me? But nobody's going to starve in my camp.

No. Not in these days. Not no more. Not like when we did. Nobody's going to fucking starve. We'll steal it. I don't give a fuck. What are they gonna do?

Throw you in jail? No, they won't. No, they won't. You know what I'm saying? They might. Who gives a fuck? But that's really it, man. 25 fucking years, a long time to be with a woman.

And listen, man, I love it just the same in the beginning, even more now. Now we just giggle and shit. It's great. Now you know each other. I smell her farts. She can't tolerate mine. You know what I'm saying? 25 years.

Yeah, that's... 25 years. And when you heard that about people, like people have been together 30 years, you're like, that's never going to happen to me. I'm going to be with the same fucking pussy for 30 years and look at it turn gray and old and all. Dog, it's an adventure. It gets better. Everything gets better. That's cool. And especially because it happened, like, there's probably a lot of people listening who like, you know, had a marriage fail or really everyone's had a relationship fail.

We all have shit, but you know what? I always believe that God didn't put you here to die by yourself. There's an ass for every seat. Remember Gail Jones used to say that? There's an ass for every fucking seat. Okay? And I, you know, women panic. Women are the worst. Women are the fucking worst. Because once they hit 34, they think this is it. I got to meet this guy. Then they meet a guy that's the worst one they've ever met, but they don't see a sheep. What's that expression? A wolf in sheep's clothing because they're so overwhelmed with the child and the fucking marriage and you know,

pigeons and my cousins coming in from Hialeah, you know, and they don't, and that's the biggest mistake they make. Now they're 43, still looking good with two fucking kids and that bum ain't paying child support and he sees the kids once a week. So you ended off in a worse position than you were by not just getting dick. It's like my friend's mom, my dear friend call me and we were talking about her daughter 34 I'm the 20th boyfriend, you know and you're like after a while you got to say to yourself Wait a second. This pussy is making some horrible fucking choices

I'm gonna get off the post the dick for one year. I'm going to get off the dick like what I did. Get off the pussy for a year just to focus you, to make you realize what you really want in a woman or in a man before you make a bad fucking mistake. We've all made mistakes where in our mind, this is going to be it. I'm going to marry her, pigeons, I'm going to live like a doctor. No, it's not always that way. It's not always that way because you went with a preconceived notion.

It happens to men and it happens to women. When you're 34 and you wanna get married as a man and you've been dating whores all your life that cheat on you, fuck your brother, steal your car and crash it, you gotta change decks. You have to look at it from a different perspective and go you know what I'm not gonna Date a woman for a year No more fucking websites. No more. None. I'm taking a year off from pussy to make me really realize and build them

The woman or the man I want in my head to pop up next time I Know what I want and this is what I'm looking for. Yeah, everybody wants a chick with fake tits who could suck a dick. Listen, three years in, you don't make the car payment. Those bitches are gone to another guy who'll fucking pay for their tits. And I always learned something from Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee was a good-looking Chinese guy, international star. His wife was no fucking playmate, but she stood by them and that's the woman that calmed him down and that's a lesson for a lot of people When you're 21 everybody wants to marry Farrah Forster when you're 30

You'll marry that chick with the missing toe from the bartender at that fucking dump bar You hang out with because that's it the windows closing and that's what we all do. We we start getting desperate Oh my god, I'm not gonna have a child. Oh my god, I'm gonna die alone and we make the worst fucking mistake Because we're going in there with some what happened to just getting together sucking my dick. I eat your pussy We smoke a joint you go home. Let's start with that Let's start with a walk the car Val and we'll take it from there. I'll suck your dick in the car You don't say what what'm saying? What happened? What happened on the third date?

Huh? What's the third date? Ice cream. Whatever. Carvel. I don't know. But these are the decisions. If you're going to go to a bar and you're going to hit on a girl, she's snorting coke

with you, and she just broke up with her boyfriend, and he's an animal, and you're going to get engaged to her her that's not gonna work she's been getting fucked at bars for 20 years and once she dumps your ass she's going right back to that fucking bar these are things you gotta know you know like people you want to meet a whore go to a fucking bar and get up one of those chicks with the tight shirts on you want to meet a smart shit go to a fucking library. I met my wife at a fucking comedy store.

What do I know? Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk a little bit more effort in with Terry than you do with other ones? Or like you... I didn't wanna get married to the other ones. Like I didn't, after I got divorced, what, listen, I met my wife when I was basically 20 fucking years old. 21 years old, I met her. And here's the scary thing. Your first wife. My first wife. This August, I don't know that bitch for 40 fucking years.

I met her August of 85. It's April of 2025. She knows me like the back of my fucking hand, that bitch. Even though you haven't spoken in a while? Yeah, because she was there in the beginning. She saw the animal. Wow. So I met her in 85 and we were done in 91 maybe.

You gotta figure I didn't see her for six months. I was locked up. Listen, you know, it is what it is. And I wasn't gonna get married again after that. I lost everything. I paid debt till fucking 10 years ago. I paid debt on that fucking divorce. So you said like you weren't gonna get married.

What made you decide to finally get married? I wasn't gonna get fucking married. Right. I had met other girls and some of them were nice. Some of them were... Nobody was marriage material. Honestly, you want me to tell you what made me marry Terry? Yeah. and some of them were nice, some of them were... Nobody was marriage material. Honestly, you want me to tell you what made me marry Terry?

Yeah. When I woke up at four in the morning one day and she had my football suit out for the longest yard. And I was like, what the fuck is going on here? This ain't a regular girlfriend. This is not a regular girlfriend. Up with me, because I had to be there at five. So I would have to get up at 345.

Sometimes I'd just stop smoking coke at 330. She would get up, fuck it, I'd take a shower, put the football suit on. She'd make me a little breakfast, just so I wouldn't drive down there 45 minutes with nothing in my stomach. A lot of people don't do that. They wouldn't give a fuck if you left hungry.

So that gave me all the consideration. It's really funny. There's an episode of Sopranos when he's gonna go out and meet the realtor and he goes to a house but that's the night that she helps him button the shirt. Oh yeah. Remember that? She helped him button his shirt. That's a really good scene. At least it was for me because I understood. And then he went to this girl's house and he was dying to fuck her. But as he was taking off his shirt, he thought about his wife and he goes, what am I doing? What the fuck am I doing here? I just got shot in the head. She was by me for six weeks. And then I was home fucking four weeks and there she is. And now I'm going

to fuck the first chick that moves around. And I learned that when I was like 20 the guy who used to own the The gas station across the street from North Bergen had everything the Porsche, you know He's 25. You got a Porsche a house a house in Miami a truck You know and all these women would go to that gas station because he was a good-looking Spanish dude and I remember a girl that has a boyfriend that was gonna get married came up to me one day she goes you're really tight with him tell him I want to sleep with him one night on the side nobody will know I go okay next time I saw George I got a man we started talking about girls and he goes yeah she's pretty hot.

I go, listen, you didn't hear from me, but she told me if you wanted to sleep with her, she would give you a piece of ass. And he looked at me for a minute and he goes, she's really pretty, but it's not for me. And I was like, what are you talking about? He goes, bro, he goes, I've been with my wife when we lived in a one bedroom apartment with no money. What kind of man would I be now to cheat on it? And I was like, that's character. Yeah. I think it, and it's, it would destroy, like it would just destroy them. I think I, I, it's great. Like,

even when you were saying that the, when you showed up at Terry says with a bag and to think about what you have now, but like She's been there for the front like to see what you guys have built. It's pretty crazy. That's why I tell everything It doesn't matter what the fuck I do. I'll tell her because she'll look at me and go What the fuck Joey, I just tell her because why lie to her It's not good. Anything I do with anybody, I pretty much tell her.

When did you start doing that? I started doing that like eight years in. If I haven't experienced it with a woman, I tell her. I get it off my chest before she hears it secondhand or sees a picture. At the end of the day, nothing happened. But I sat with her for three hours at Joe Rogan's bar. Right.

You know what I'm saying? A couple of people said something to me about that. Why? It was that girl. I was like, listen, she's a dear friend of mine. I'm 62. I'm in no mood. This shit don't get up all the time.

This dick don't get hard like it used to. What if you make a call and your dick don't get hard? How embarrassing is that gonna be? You know what I'm saying? So I cover my bases. At home I could fail. I could shoot a dud at home. Shoot me for 25 years, fucking some young chick.

I don't even talk, it's not even, you know. It's fun. I love going out at night and talking to fucking some young chick. I told you I went to a strip club about a month ago and I was talking to a black girl all night. Didn't ask her for a dance or anything. At the end of the night she goes,

you're going to give me 100 bucks? I said, absolutely. And I just gave her 100 bucks. I needed that 100 bucks the next day, but I made her fucking world. And that's when it come back to me tenfold. And I didn't try to fuck her. And she's still my friend on Instagram.

Ha ha ha ha! We'll be back next week, cocksuckers. Tip Top, Magoo. What do you got this week? Anything? Yeah, May 4th, I'm at Broadway, I'm at, I'm sorry, Greenwich Village Comedy Club. There you go. And me, May 8th, May 17th,

Philadelphia, it's sold out, so I don't even know why I'm promoting the date. Greenwich Village Comedy Club. There you go. And me, May 8th, May 17th, Philadelphia. It's sold out, so I don't even know why I'm promoting the date. Go to the Excite page and look to see if they have tickets for August. I'm sure they'll have a bunch of tickets. Come on out. Knock yourself out. Have some fucking cheesesteaks at Merlinos and do what you need to do. I love you, you cock suckers.

Love you, guys. Have a great week. And we'll be back next Tuesday. Tip, top, ma goo. It'll be like May 8th or something. Stay black, cock suckers. Love you. Back at ya!

Hey! Hey! You