Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - It's about time

Episode Date: January 28, 2026

The only thing that money can't buy, is time. This week on The Church Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about how important time is, wasting time, and focusing on what really matters. Joey and Lee also talk about Lee getting stranded in Chicago, why being alone is so awesome and much more! SHOW NOTES If you're 21 or older, get 25% OFF your first order + free shipping @ IndaCloud with code CHURCH at https://inda.shop/CHURCH #indacloudpod Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app now & turn $5 into $300 in Bonus Bets when you press in code JOEY @ https://www.draftkings.com/mobileapps

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's up, beautiful people? The church of what's happening now, New Edition, is in full effect. The Snow held us back for one day. That's it. But we're back like the mailman. You know what I'm saying?

Anyway, it's Wednesday, the 28th of January. The month is almost over. But the hell with it. We're here. What up, dog? I'm happy to be here. I know you are. Jesus Christ.

That, I love Chicago. that shit. It wasn't even the same. It barely snowed there. But it was fucking the coldest. I have no idea how people. I, you'd walk outside and you're like, everything would hurt. I can't. And I'm fat. I can't even imagine being skinny. And like, dude, some of these places are crazy. That fucking cold, man. That's a, listen, January is great if you want to sell tickets. Right. Like to those places, Buffalo, Milwaukee, nobody got nothing to do. Right. They shovel snow and they fuck. can go home. So when you go up to do a show,

but at the same time, you got to realize shit could go down. Now, with me, I always look at that fucking weather. Oh. You always got to look at that weather six months in advance. But listen, you knew Wednesday that hell was going to come down. Yeah, but I'm not going to cancel a weekend. I would have backed that thing up until Thursday

to see what was going to happen. We're living in a fucking system now where people didn't listen anymore. Now, the weather people got you listening again. Because they've been pretty fucking good this year. They've been pretty fucking good this year. And New Jersey 12 has been pretty good this year? They've been on them. A little gay guy has been throwing heat at New Jersey 12 with his light little fucking snow shoes and shit.

Oh, my God. But, you know, so you have to just, and I'm not saying cancel. I didn't say cancel. Just prepare. Know that we're going to get hit. And at first you're like, well, it's a bunch of Gentiles just scaring white people on CNN and Fox and New Jersey 12. But thank God, listen, 17 inches, a lot of fucking snow.

Yeah, they got two feet up by Massachusetts. But I was hoping because I don't know, but when you were like flying a lot, did you like study the weather? Like I was watching, I was watching the weather. Always. I was looking at the maps. I was like, all right, if I leave, I was on the, 6 a.m. flight out Sunday.

I was like, if I leave, I'm going to miss it by this much. I don't want to. Well, you can't go on the minutes and the hours, even though they were good again. Because they predicted 3 a.m. I got up at 3 just to test those motherfuckers. I had a pee and I looked at the window and I'm like, motherfuckers.

I got up two hours later and it was a different story. I'm like, oh shit. Yeah. These motherfuckers hit it on the head. And it was that little snow. That little snow. know the little things. That's real fluffy.

When you see those, just going out of some, put your galoshes on and get ready a shovel like a motherfucker. It's not the big ones. It's the little ones. Because it was continuous. You didn't even see it.

From your window, you're like, I, it stops snowing. Then you looked out there and you're like, oh, fuck. So, you know, listen, I'm not worried about me being delayed. I'm worried about the people's... Am I going to fucking fly in? so nobody comes to my show on Saturday.

Am I petrified? In Baklava, wherever the fuck you are. Batavia. Again, you got no choice but to go to the show. It's either that or a love boat for the 80th fucking time. Yeah. You understand me? I mean, that's, I'm not thinking about me getting back.

I'm also thinking about, let's look at the whole experience. So I'm going to fly in Thursday morning. We're going to do a show Thursday night. And then Flerries are supposed to start Friday. And it's a foot of snow. What are we doing? If it was that, yeah. Why are we going now?

Because they're uncomfortable now. Friday is going to be shit. Saturday is going to be even more shit. It didn't really start until Saturday. No, that's the problem you had. That was it. It started at four. Oh, my God.

But when I'm home, I actually like a snowstorm. I just start looking at the weather. I go out and I just watch. Yeah, but it's different when you're in a room in Chicago. It's different when you're not home. See, so that was, I was just, I'm a nervous motherfucker. So I was the whole time trying to get out. I was going to fly, I was going to fly from Chicago to Detroit to Albany and then take a train from Albany down.

And I almost did it. But then one thing, I was like, nah, don't do it. And I would have got to Detroit, but then I would have been stuck in Detroit. As soon as you told me that, the guy came on, and he's like, woo. He's like, we had to, we were flying to California. or something. And we flew to Texas, and then they said they didn't have a flight, so we had to drive an hour.

And then we went there, and they said we had to go to another airport. So we took an Uber. They flew to somewhere, and the plane got canceled. Yeah. So now they're stuck in a different fucking town. Dude, the entire time I was looking at it, I just had you in my head being like, you're doing it like a Puerto Rican.

Like, that was the entire thing in my head. Like, here's the thing. This is why you bring you. your own weed, your own edibles. So Sunday morning, you get up and you're like, it's a play day. I'm not going to, I'm not going to, what do I tell you when I called you? I said, womwam.

That's a text you get from the airline as you're going to put your luggage up. Your plane's been delayed. God damn it. So I go, listen, here's the advice, Lee. It's going to snow. And you know this. You know the, you know the airport. it's going to be fucked up.

So let's do this. Saturday night, Lee Batavia right after the show. No dicking around, no talking to nobody. Pee-ing like I do. Right from the stage to the car. You don't need to talk to nobody. The checkers in your pocket. Go.

You shoot up to the airport close to the hotel. Now you're there. Yeah, we did that. Now you're there. And when you check out, don't check out. Bring your key with you. Because if you go back to that airport and they're like, well, you're not here until four.

What are you going to do? Sintero 4? No, so you got carry on. See, I have checking. That sucks. Oh, well, I normally check because I'm a lazy Jew and I don't want to lug that suitcase with me. But, dude, that was the smartest I tip you gave me to not. I never check out.

I don't understand why people check. I always just leave a hotel. Why do you check out? They're going to check you out anyway. Yeah, exactly. You're going to get the email with the receipt in an hour. I never once had to check out. So don't check out.

Take the key with you. Yeah. So if they delay you, you go back to the airport like nothing happened. Oh. Like hop along because of Ditch. You're in there. Now 8.30 flight. You just rested for seven hours.

You haven't been at that airport. That airport away to fuck out. That would have sucked. I fucking drinking $8 water, you know, because then you just get, you just get hungry because you got another dude. Oh, dude. You go to three different places. You go to a taco place, the fried chicken place.

Dude, the food's not great, but I have the Delta credit card so I can go to the lounge and I save the food. the lunch because they're cheap motherful they used to let you go whenever you want it now it's 15 times a year you can go to the lounge so i save it for that so i i eat and drink everything in that motherfucking lounge so it's i don't spend a dime at the airport a couple weeks so i flew out of newark and i got that they said for 25 bucks you get the fucking admirals club right i said tack it on just who gets a fucking 25 bucks yeah beat the nine dollar water it was beautiful oh it's dude there was a shower in the one in chicago you fucking sit there you

you plug in your shit, da-da-da-da. You want to get something, a cocktail. Oh, everything's free. Like fucking doctors. Oh, it's great. But I had actually a really good day in Chicago on Sunday because I don't get to do nothing ever. I always have to do something. I didn't put clothes on for the entire.

I was, I just laid in my bed, ate every snack that I stole snacks from the club. Nobody criticizes you. It's the best. Nobody could say, hey, you're, lazy, get up, dog. We got nowhere to go. I don't know. Nobody in this town. There's a Chinese place that delivers. I got

weed. I got rolling papers. I got edibles. There's a game at seven. That's it. There were two games. It was great. But it was I don't know. Because I didn't, it was so cold that I didn't want to go outside and smoke. It was so cold.

Oh, yeah, you can't. That I was just... You got to find the spot in a hotel. In the stairways, up on the the staircase up on top. So the smoke don't go through all the staircases. So you get the highest floor you go to. I didn't think about that. You don't go to it and then walk down.

Then you pop out of the second floor. What happened? I don't know. Was somebody smoking? I smelled something, but I don't know. Someone called Jake and Josh were doing like a Facebook live or something and the hotel called them and said they got a complaint about smoking. They weren't smoking.

Someone they thought I was fucking with them. Someone must have called the hotel. Dude. I would love to smoke in a hotel. Like, just be able to smoke weed in a hotel room? In a hotel room, yeah. That would be. What are they charge you? $3.50.

That might be worth it. Huh? $250 might be worth it. If it's freezing cold. Oh, yeah. And you're just going to sit there all day. And just put your legs up and they knock on the dog. Excuse me, we smell marijuana smoke.

You're right. You did smell. Here's $2.50. Tack it on. Tag it on. It's a free for a motherfucker motherfucker. but 250 I'm going off in this level of that.

I'm going off. You understand me? If I got to spend $2.50 to smoke reframing. I'm getting that $250. I'm smoking an ounce in this. I'm going to make the curtains purple I don't give a fuck, Jack. Do smoking a joint in bed is probably the happiest I'll ever be?

Like a doctor, until it burns on fire. Until you're pillow casing, you're fucking... That sucks. When you go to ash it and like a little embergoes and then get a little hole in the sheets, but it's okay. But it's fuck. Just not to leave.

That's why you got to bring a vapor pen too. Yeah. Because the vapor pens for the hotel room, the joint is for the outside. And just have it in there. Get your shaving kit, put a vapor pin there, put your fucking weed in there before you leave, charge up the vapor pen.

And it's in your shave kit. Yeah. You're not going to smoke at home, no vapor pen. But in a hotel room is 7 in the morning just to get you started, just to put a little elevation under your fucking wing. Not bad at all.

Not bad. Dude, I had, and I didn't have to. Josh is, Josh doesn't care. But you got, you told Josh that if I didn't do mushrooms Friday night, he should fire me. Fire you. On the spot. Fire.

It's over. No more playing fucking games. So, oh, dude, I did the most, I think of most I've ever done. Like, two point eight or something. It was a lot. It was a lot. I was a lot. I was a lot.

It was a lot. Pilot on. He hasn't been on the road in two months. And he needs a little dose of money. Oh, my, and dude, I was up all, I don't know how you and, you guys can fall asleep on those things. I was up until six in the morning. I had to Uber eats a sleeping pill. And my hotel room, I, do you like tubs?

Like, will you take a bath? I don't know. How do I want to take a shower when I sit in a shower? You said, oh, I grew up sitting in the shower. Yeah, I sit in the shower. I sat in the tub. I don't give a fuck. But now they have these, at nicer hotels, they take the fucking bathroom door off.

So you got to take a shower with no bathroom door. And you step out and there's a fucking ocean in front of you. And you're going to slip and break your fucking neck because that's divide. That's made for people who take three-minute showers who are allergic to water. People just want to go in. I did a quick rinse off me. He didn't wash. You didn't put soap on your asshole.

You didn't fucking loof of your legs. You did nothing. Right. You just went in the fucking shower and got wet. That's for people, you know, that to go in that shit. Oh, yeah. Dude, my, my hotel room in Batavia, for, had a tub with a TV in the mirror.

I was in that the entire weekend. I had I had Diet Coke's. I had my little notebook. I was, dude, we took mushrooms. I was probably in there from 11 p.m. until 5 in the morning. Lee. Oh, yeah, just keep putting some water in. Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee.

Now, do you understand why you can't bring somebody on the road? Oh, yeah. Do you understand now? It's nice. It's love. It's great. But that's your time. That's your time.

When you get stuck on Sunday, you should be, when you're married, you're ecstatic. Because you have a week the day to yourself? Nothing I could do. So you were thinking

to go on to Uncle Charlie's to jump up and down, do it on your own. I'm stuck. I'm stuck. And you love it. Because that's part of the comic life.

Waking up. in a hotel on Sunday morning and going, I got no, I'm stuck. Now I create another day for myself, which creates material. Yeah. It's a, no, that's how you advance as a comic. Not by bringing somebody in a room with you.

Dog, I love pussy. Love it. You understand me? Love it. But I don't want to, because I got to deal with you after the piece of pussy. And I want you out. I want you out.

I want you out. I don't need you in the room. I'm writing. We didn't do anything today. That's, that's perfectly fine. I didn't bring you here to do anything.

There's nothing to do them, but Thalia. Nothing. Yeah. Nothing. And, you know, you're a comic. And after a while,

you're going to work with the comics that bring their girlfriends and they leave afterward. And you're going to see. You're going to be, what the fuck was the point of that? Not that you're going to be there to pick up women.

You're a comic. They didn't want to become a comic. They didn't want to take the chance and experience it. Fuck them. Fuck them. I was going to, I, they didn't want to take the chance and become comedians. So fuck them now.

Fuck them. Sit at home. But I can't have you there. I'm working. And the whole weekend is work. It's not just the five fucking shows. It's your time. Every day you got to get up at eight and drink juice and get in front of the computer.

Guess what, bitch? I don't have to do that. Don't remind me. I don't want to get up because I don't want to go to a fucking museum. I don't want to go for no walk. I don't want to see a statue. I don't want to see nothing. I came in to do comedy.

I don't know. You know, and that's where people forget, I got a big problem next week and I got a show and part of the deal is that I eat dinner with them before the show.

Oh, you're doing it before? It's not going to work. I had to break it to him today. No, yeah, you can't do that. That would ruin the show. I'd rather lose the gig. Are you going to go to dinner after or no? No.

Do that because if I, If you go out there first, they get to become your buddy. Now it's harder to be funny. Yeah. The thing of you coming out, that's part of it, is you coming out. It's like when you are a headliner and you go into a town and your mother's in the audience, so you pop your head up and start waving at your mom or go out before the show, you just bombed. Really?

He just bombed. Interesting. I don't give a fuck who's out there. You don't need to go out there. Okay. I don't need to. Mom, you know the fucking deal. And these are the people.

See, it's not the people that you meet at a restaurant and say, hey, do you want two tickets? They're easy. It's the people you love that make those shows a fucking nightmare. I'm cold. I don't know where to go. Listen, there's signs everywhere. Right.

You know, there's signs everywhere. We'll call. What would you do if I wasn't here? Yeah. Yeah, you know, so it's not the people. It's like whenever a UFC fighter fights at home in his hometown, I bet against him. because he's been on the phone for three days.

Where's my tickets? Why am I sitting up here? I just want to beat somebody up. Yeah. I don't need this shit. I don't need this shit. Hey, we're here. Okay, so am I.

Yeah. There's a thing about comedy that is great. We can hold hands, but that's not what it's for. That's not what comedy's for. I don't want you in love when you're on stage. I want you to be you. Let me see how you look. Oh, my God.

I look. I don't give a fuck how you look. I fuck eight times already in two days. I don't give a fuck how you look. Okay? I'm focused on stand-up. And that focus that you give her, that conversation, that's 10% you're going to bomb. 10%. 10% because it's throwing off you. I don't want nobody drawing off me on game day at all. At all. On game day, you guys see me making around? You go to my old taro. Dude, I used to die. I don't talk to nobody. I don't want to.

I want to see nobody because I'm wasting my energy. You want to be cute and go to dinner. And now you get on stage and peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, because you just talked for an hour and a half. Yeah. You just talked for an hour and a half at dinner. That's it. It's not going to work.

Every time they see you, you pop out to see your girlfriend. Hey, I, you, eh, ten points go down. Dude, people used to always be like, well, what is it like when you go on the road? Because I didn't go on the road with you much, but when I went on the road with you, I probably wouldn't see you until the showtime. And if I did, even if, like, even in San Diego, I'd be like, you want to go get lunchy, but I have a

block, a block radius from the hotel. I'm, well, what if we go here? It's a 10-minute walk. Nope. You would, we would, you could see the hotel from the restaurant we were at. It's game day. You're paying me to perform. Yeah. Not to do anything else. Yeah, in your mind, you bring your girl. Now, let's go

to the Rock and Real Museum. Shut the fuck up. You're going to go to the Sucking Cock Museum. Ask the only museum we'll going to you suck in my cock in the room anything else is not going to work that's why i don't want you in my room i don't want you in my room i don't give a fuck how much i love you i don't want you in my room on game day or the whole fucking weekend i don't want to see the whole fucking weekend i want to be an animal i don't want to be in love it's great she's there watching you you want to be an animal people don't go to the circus to see the clowns

they go to see the tigers and the lions and when you're around a woman you can't be a fucking tiger like a fucking asshole that's all of us yeah that's all of us I got it was this was my first like five show weekend in a while

and I was listening to my sets over the weekend and Thursday I didn't do well it was fine it was like a C C minus but I got better and better the set got better and better throughout the weekend it was like the first time I was able to

go through and adjust things you go over your material but if I'm in the room going on my material and I'm bored there's nothing on TV I'm hungry now that energy taken away from you you're hungry eat a fucking Snickers bar I don't know

I don't want to tell you you know I'm doing the same thing I'm living on the profit It's a crime. There's nobody in this fucking town. Only Domino's delivered. And I live in New York. I refuse to get Domino's out of respect.

Yeah. I'd rather eat my fingers and starve. So it looks like you get popcorn a vending machine or go to bed. Go to bed. But I'm not here to entertain you. I just entertain 400 people, two shows. I got to do two more shows tomorrow night. And I don't know.

The room was dry. My sinuses. I don't get that. That shit doesn't even apply to me. If there's sinusy, I pick my nose and I put water in it. That's it. That's it. What the fuck is wrong with you?

And this is why I don't like bring in nobody. I love my wife. I don't know another show. I love my daughter. I don't know her to a fucking show. See, thank God I don't give a fuck. And I say in front of my daughter, what the fuck I want to? She knows.

She's heard it before. But we have two different things. I can't go up there with my wife in the audience and go out, yell, talk about me eating her asshole or something. These women are all going to look at her and go, what the fuck? What's going on? He's your asshole? And then my wife has to sit there like a fucking moron.

Gone. Gone. I don't want you there. Stay at home. Don't worry about it. Dude, I love, and I'm very happy being married. But being alone, because I, even, even, going back to L.A.

I was, like, I love being alone. Yeah, yeah. I have, I, between... You got into comedy, not to join an improv group. You didn't get into comedy, join a gang. You didn't join, what's it, when the five black guys to jump up and down, Belle Bib DeVoe and all. You didn't join that. You didn't join a boys group.

I don't know what you're talking about. You didn't bring, and comedy don't call for backup singers. No. So, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. But even without comedy. This fits your personality. Oh, yeah. There's people that would lose their mind in a hotel by themselves.

Oh, it's my favorite. On a Saturday. There's people that would lose their mind. So why would you want to ruin that and bring a wife or a girlfriend? Sometimes it is fun, but it is, I... Listen, bringing abroad is not supposed to be fun. It's never fun. Bringing abroad is never fun.

And especially some of you're married to. I can see if you bring up, if you flying a bitch in to fuck up for the weekend. That's completely different. She boogies on. Sunday, you go back to your life on fucking Sunday. But you've been with it all week. Now you bring it to the fucking work. To talk about the same shit, she's been talking about all week.

And this isn't just your wife. No, I know what you're talking. This is everybody's fucking. My wife is the worst. The worst. You know, did you feel the draft from the window? I don't feel that shit. White people only feel.

I feel a draft coming from that door. What draft? What draft are you talking about? And that's the problem you have. The road for a comic, it's for you. It's for you. When people go on business conferences, they don't bring their fucking wives.

They don't. Dude, I go to business conferences for my day job. People go to that to drink and to hook up. That's all they... That's it. Dude, and it's everything. But I want to come. Listen, there's no room for you.

Sorry, this is a business trip. I don't want to go to your... fucking business trips. Not at all with those boring people. Let's make a deal. I won't go to yours and you won't go to mine. That's why I listen to music with headphones. So no one will talk to you?

No, because I'm not going to make you listen to my music, but don't even think for a second, I want to listen to yours. Yeah. So I'll put earphones on. I'll never intrude your privacy, but don't get him in your car and go, hey, you got to hear this. No, I don't want to. No, I don't want it.

Hold on. Listen to this lyric. Listen, I don't want to. You don't understand. I feel like, are you just saying that more often? No, just someone asks you to do something? Like, no. I don't want to.

Fuck that. Like, I feel like, not that you weren't nice before, but like, I feel like now as you get older, you're just like telling people fuck off. Well, I'm going to give you the whole thing here. just so you know, man, when you're single, you're doing anything for anybody, right? You're doing anything. Hey, man, I'm moving some couches Saturday.

I'm going to get some fucking pizza from Domino's and some shitty beer. Come on, you do it. And then you got a girlfriend. And we're comedians. So we are naturally whores. You know, I just saw something today. Stop playing a certain comic

because he won't stop whore in himself. Well, whore is by nature. You know, like I said to you, if Nick called me right now, hey, Joy, I have a gig. Yep. Wednesday night, base 200. All right, I can't do it. You're going to call Nick with the now.

You're going to go in that bathroom. Nick, I'll do it for 125. This is why they'll never be a comedian's union. This is why they'll never be because we're whores. Yeah. There's not a whore union, right? A prostitute doesn't come to your house and go, you've got to pay me union labor scale.

No. Because some of you'll suck your dick. for $10. Okay? There's somebody out there. You just got to look. You got to look real hard. But there's somebody out there

that'll suck your dick for $2,000. Right. And there's somebody out there they'll suck it for the small $10 bill. Oh, my God. I can't even imagine what that would be like. A $10 blow a job. That sounds terrible.

I still remember having mercy. Mercy being like seven, maybe six. seven and taking it to a kickboxing class two times a week. You remember. Mm-hmm. And I was pretty committed. I'd take her.

I talked to Keita. And I would sit there from five to six. At first, I wouldn't know. I didn't notice it because I thought it was natural, you know? Bah, bah. And after 30 minutes, you're like, I just got 18 fucking calls. in 25 minutes, none of them were important. Yeah?

When I really think about them, none of them was important. Why do you think I yell at Nick when I see him on the phone? There ain't nobody sending them money on that phone after five. He could pound it all he wants. There's nothing coming in.

Why are you looking at it? Mende's home. Mom is home. Get off that fucking phone. That's how I look at it. After five, there's no business. for me. There's no,

there's the bottom line. People are addicted to it. I love how you. What's the bottom fucking line? Why are you on the phone? Who are you texting? Does I have something to do with money or is it just stupidity? Stupidity.

So after a while, you look at your phone and you're going, I'm getting 30 calls an hour. 20 of them got nothing to do with me. Five of them are from people that are looking for something from me. And the other five are for people to go, hey, I got this gig.

pays $250 and you're going to love it. Listen. I don't love anything. You know, and in between that, in between people's premieres, in between people's podcasts, in between just, you lose yourself.

You lose yourself. You lose what your family is. You lose what your wife is. You lose it all. You know? And we already had those problems with stand up. Well, I'll fucking turn my back on everybody.

If I'm doing great stand-up and I'm on the road, there's no reason to chit-chat, you know? Right. So when I moved here, I'm like, I got a fucking seven-year-old daughter. I got a wife. Why am I doing this? Right.

My first three months here, I wish you guys could hear the phone calls I was getting. About what? Wish. The balls on people. I was just in a fucked up state. But I feel like getting all those people now and going, what the fuck were you thinking?

Oh my, I, I love it. It was open season on Joe Diaz. Yeah. Everybody was my friend for the first 90 days. Hey, come. I'm picking you up with taking you to my buddy's gunshot. What? That type of shit.

Right. Oh, my God. Hey, we're going to Central Park to, you know, play Frisbee like Paul Vizzi says. Yeah. I ain't got that. No. I ain't got that. You know, I, I don't want to.

a harp on it. You know, when you're 20, you keep going, I don't have to do this shit. I'll do it when I'm 30. I know a lot of motherfuckers have said that. About what? I don't need to get my life together. Oh, okay. I'll do it when I'm 30.

I mean, you're 35, you go through a divorce. You got no money. You're a loser. And you're like, I'll get this shit together when I'm 40. And then comes 44, you're still starting Coke. you're still cheating on your girlfriend. You haven't paid child support in two weeks. So it never ends.

Dude, now you go, okay. When I'm 50, I'll get it together. And that's what happened to me. That's what happened to me. I got my shit cleaned up when I was 44 years old. It took me six years to figure out who the fuck I was and what I was doing and why was I even in California. And then for some fucking reason, a podcast came along.

We got to tell our stories and the rest is history. Yeah. But after I got home, I was like, what am I doing? You know, people call me, hey, we have my family reunion this weekend. If you want to come down, my kids and their friends can't wait to see you. Go fuck yourself. Oh, there's nothing I like more than hearing someone ask you something that you don't want to do. Last week after the podcast, we went out to dinner, very nice guy.

But the server walked up to you was like, hey, you really got to trust. this place has a new brunch menu, the best avocado toast. And I was just waiting for it. And he's like, I'm going to pick you up Saturday. We'll go down. Meanwhile, Nick and I ordered cheeseburgers. And he forgot the cheese. He forgot that.

And he blamed us. He was reading off of his order thing. He said, Nick, you wanted cheddar no cheese. And Lee, you wanted American no cheese. But meanwhile, he's talking about the brunch. I'm on an avocado toast at a different restaurant. Don't worry about the brunch. I don't want to go.

You're never going to see me at a brunch. Brunch is for faggots, okay? That means I've got to sit there with champagne and moses and make believe I'm interested. It's 11 o'clock in the morning. I'm not interested in none of you people. Yeah. One American, no, cheat.

And that's the problem. That people got something else going. Forget it. We don't have to do a thing, okay? You're never going to. I never walked in. and go, I went to the finest brunch. I eat at 8 in the morning,

though, okay? I eat at 8, 7, 15, 7. I'm not waiting until 11 to have a champagne. You're not waiting in line for. And make believe I'm important. You know, we would do brunch. We don't do dick. We're from Jersey, okay? We do breakfast. The fuck are you talking about? Why are you trying to be

somebody you're not? We do brunch and mimosis. You're a fucking faggot. That's why. You're just waiting for a dick to fly out of the sky and go right up your ass. You're fucking faggatoid. That's why you enjoy brunch. What's a faggatigatoid? A faggatoid like a fucking alien bick sucker.

I don't fucking know. Oh my God. So my point is, Lee, that at some point you have to look at the phone and go, why am I so fortunate? You know what I'm saying? Like, why am I so fortunate? To not do that?

To not take long? No, no. Like, hey, like I got one three weeks ago. perfect. And he caught me like in a week minute. Okay. Like, hey man, some fucking idiot from one of those Fox shows. Okay. He's doing a podcast. And they really want you on. And I'm like, okay.

And I'm like, when do you want? I thought he was going to say like January. He's like, how about tomorrow? I'm like, I don't know about tomorrow. Hit me up next week. This guy's been hit me up every week on Monday. About next week. You know, after two times, you're like, all right, I'll move on. This is we're going on the eighth week already. Hey, how's it looked this week? It's not going to happen. I'm not going in the city to do a political podcast. I'm 63, and that's four hours out of my day.

Ain't going to happen. I'm surprised you haven't pulled the, oh, I'm doing it, and then the day of canceling. I did that last week for the y'all. I did that last week for the poor are you garbage guys. Well, that one, you actually hurt yourself. And you know what the problem is? I'm going to tell you two things.

Two things is this, okay? And I'm going to be honest with you, everybody. Two things. I'm older and I don't have time for your stupid fucking event And you know I just don't I got a wife and a daughter and they're first You get the scraps

Number two I'm 63 so you know what the scraps are That nice chair you saw me sitting out last Monday night Yeah that's my scraps If you see I got everything I need there syringes BT 500 I got everything okay sodas, weed. So that's the scraps right there.

So now you want me to drive for it. Once it involves driving, you lost. Everything involves driving. You lost. So make it closer to my house if you want me to show up. But once you add driving to that, it just decreases. Especially on certain times, you just... What do you mean certain times?

There's a zero percent chance of you drive. You have like a 10 minute driving distance And then you don't do shit I love when people ask me Wow when is Joey gonna come do the show What people ask me I can't tell you the offers I've gotten for you For people like I have a show

And outside of Hartford It seats 150 I want Joey And then they're like I'll let you feature too I'm like oh boy oh boy What a treat I'll tell you what I'll do I'll headline I'll let Joey know how it is

and if it works out, I have Joey there. And then you don't even tell Joey. No, you don't even say nothing to me. You just, if they're going to be that stupid, you're going to be that stupid and crafty. I need to start being crafty. You're going to be that stupid. But that's the reality of it, Lee. I'm old.

I'm tired. I have a window. Right now, I have a window, guys. Remember when you were young, you had like all day, 10 o'clock, 1130. Hey, what are you doing? Let's go for a slice of pizza. Sure. It's one in the morning.

What's your window? I feel like your window now is like 9 a.m. to 10.30. I feel like you're, you go do one thing in the morning and you're done with 1 p.m. That's it. I know. And then what time is a nap and then you're just, then you're home?

Go home. Relax. Go on the computer a little bit. Maybe go on draft kings. Once I start getting nausea, it means it's nap time. Like today, I took a nap at fucking three o'clock.

You get nauseous every day? A little, that means I got to go to sleep. Damn. So today had a little chicken cordon blue from Fiori's. I love chicken cordon blue. Pieces, come on, dog. Fucking unreal.

Oh. They're in Staten Island, so we'll stop in there. I'm going to call them tomorrow to have 200 those chicken cordon blues for us. What are you going to have? Those are all for, you give me an ABX and some dye coke and a fucking tray of chicken corn on Saturday night. Dude, a chocolate bread, chicken cordon blue sandwich. And,

I'm getting Monticella. Monsadala is the flavor of the week. Okay. Molde dala with a little wet moutes. Nice. Oh, God, almighty. A little prosciutto on that motherfucker with a roasted pepper or something? Come on now.

No caramel fucking dressing. That's for fucking chubby diabetic people. I don't like that shit. Oh, my God. The farts that you're going to be having. No, there's no. I'm only going to eat a little piece. I can't eat that much anymore.

But I'm taking that chocolate bread to go. Yeah, me too. Tell Royal. crown, I need that look that they gave her. And I feel really bad because I don't explain myself. That's my biggest problem in life. I don't explain. And I was doing a good job with jokes before the pandemic.

Like I would say something off color and then I would back it. Yeah. And people go, okay, it's not bad. That's assault I had on pizza a few weeks ago. That's an assault on anything. Anything that is a waste of my time, like that long of a window, anything. That could be anything. That could be, I say it's pizza

because I don't know how people find all this time. But it could be anything. Right. It could be like what we used to do when we were 20. We threw the time away. We threw time away. If George called me and say, hey, you want to go see the drummer from the Stones,

Charlie Watts, doing a thing tonight? I'd go with George if I was 25. At 62, I want to see Charlie Watts. Like I want to see a black dick in the dark. You know what I'm saying? Oh, dude, and getting back to the phone, that's, I think, the biggest one. Like, the amount of time, and I'll be, just even me, that I waste on the phone, is like, if looking, like, in the moment, it doesn't seem that bad.

Like, that's why I don't do, I don't do screen time, because I don't need that, I don't need to know how much I look at my phone. No, I do the screen time. And you look at it? Every Monday on the computer. And last week, I was down 38 minutes. You spent 38 minutes a day? or you were down 38 minutes.

38 minutes a day. Like, I don't even... Damn. It's getting to the point where... There are some days I put a shift in. It's too much. It's just, guys, it's like... You know, and that's all I mean to tell people.

It's an ecology. It's an ecology. It's an economic of time. What is your time worth? And what is your time worth? And how much time do you have to give? When you're 26, you have a lot of time to give an effort.

You know, I wish I get on stage every night. I got on stage two nights in a row. I'm done for the week. Legs hurt, back hurts. You know, I was talking to somebody that's an older comic. And he goes, Joey, it's getting to the point where I can't do ton of clock shows no more. No shit.

Because as a fucking good comic, you want to be able to give them two great shows. But there comes a point where I can give you one and a half. You know what I'm saying? I give you one show that's good. Then the second show, I'm going to start getting tired in that 20-minute mark. You know why? Because I've got to wait an hour in between shows, and I stiffen up.

And when you're 40 and you're stiffen up, it's a lot different than when you're 60 and 50 and you're stiffen up. Once you're stepping up, you're done. It's like if I take you to the gym. Okay. And we do a good workout, 32 minutes. We're walking, and then some guy comes up to you and gives you a knee a beat. And you don't want to go away because the guy's a nice guy. but your body just chilled.

You've been talking to him for eight minutes. That's it. The pump you had is gone. Your heart rate dropped. The fucking 92. It's back, you know. So it's like it's over. What am I doing here?

I'm going to sit here and keep doing it. And that, you know, that's what I think a lot of it was. You just see what you're wasting your time in. Talking, nobody wasted more time than me. Nobody. I couldn't pay rent hours in my 40s. What does that tell you?

As funny as it is, it's fucking scary. Don't fucking tell me about losing time. You know, I lost three years of my life with some bullshit fucking thing in Boulder. And for years, I tried to get time back to replace that. I can never replace that. Because then I had 29 years of Coke. How many hours did I put into scoring Coke,

thinking about Coke, getting it, beating somebody. Who am I going to fuck after I do the Coke? All that effort. That's all, that's seven hours of your fucking day. So for 30 years, I lost an average of five hours a fucking day thinking about that shit. Damn. So tell me about somebody who is not trying to make up.

Why do you think people get so mad about that pizza thing that you see? Because they don't, they don't see, well, I don't, I failed to explain it. Well, it's just a waste of fucking time. This is not Kentucky. We are not in Minneapolis. We are not in San Diego. There is good pizza every mile. Not even less, and New York is every couple blocks.

Jersey and New York. So do you understand what I'm trying to say to you? For you to come to me on a Wednesday and tell me you want to drive an hour and a half to get a tight piece of pizza, it's not necessary unless you want to brag about it. unless you want to be one of those retards. Yeah, an Instagram picture. Like the Giants, you want to brag about pizza. You want to walk in and go, I went down there.

And it was, give it so fuck. Gips a fuck. It all tastes the same. It's called out the same tomato on it. I don't want to get started in this again. But that's what I try to mean, that we've all, people who listen to this podcast, you know it.

We've all lost fucking time. And there's some days, maybe you don't think about it. Maybe not important to you. It was fucking important to me. And it still is important to me. That God gave you an allotment of time and you decided to waste it on the jets. Oh, my God. So you're going to be in a fucking casket going,

and your friends are going to be there with the jet jerseys and all the fat fucks would buy a beanie's and whatever the fuck it is. You know. Do you think? And that's it. I just want you to think back and go, bro, that wasn't a waste of time. Most of the people who listen to this podcast are between 20 and 40, maybe 35. That's all I say.

I'm not putting you down because you eat pizza. I'm putting the thought of taking that much energy for a piece of fucking thing. It's too much. Do you think that you feel this way? Because you've always felt this way, but do you think it's gotten more since you spent time in the hospital last year? It'll open my eyes to see what's even. more important. What's even more important? And I feel bad when I tell somebody, no.

Like the same time, I got to think of me. Right. Do you feel bad when you say no? Fuck you. Maybe with some people. I said yes for so long. Mm-hmm. I said yes for so fucking long. You know? I said yes for so fucking long.

At one point, you got to go, I can't do it. I'll give you the money. I can't drive you to Newark. I don't have that. I can't do these things anymore. I'll tell you what I can do. I can help you out a little bit. Maybe you could take your bicycle.

I don't know, go to Hoboken and get one of those little... I saw that on the news the other day. Those little faggy white kids and Hoboken riding a bike. A little bikes? Yeah, they got a little bikes you can rent and the people on.

It's too expensive. Oh, Jesus Christ. It went up $2 for the whole subscription. You're riding a bike and Hoboken. You got a death wish. Old Balkan in Jersey City. I wouldn't ride a bike in Jersey City if you fucking paid me. Dude,

I wrote one for about six seconds in New York. I know. They had one on this because usually they lock them up. And someone left it there. And I wrote it on the sidewalk for about four seconds. And I just could see me getting hit by a car. So I'm like, dude. Very good for you for foreseeing the future.

Very good because a lot of people don't do that. Now, let's take a bike. Yeah, let's take a bike. My girlfriend thought it was a good idea. Listen, 1 8th Avenue, okay? There's no bikes up here. No. You want to get a bike, go to the country.

Or get yourself one of those with the three people. Just make sure you're far away from me. Because I will throw a rock at your fucking head if I see it. Lee and his wife on a thing and the father-in-law. Oh, my God. While you're in the rickshaw. Yeah. Well, the Chinese guy

with fucking Becky's uncle driving here. I would love to be. But that's all I mean, people. That's all I mean. That's all. Think of the words I say that you have that luxury. I use that example. And this could be for anything.

At one point, you go, you know what? The Jets haven't won a Super Bowl. This is 1969. What are we doing here? What are we doing here? What am I wasting my time with these bumps for? every fucking year, every year.

At one point, you go enough. I'm going to go follow hockey. I'm going to follow Coco, whatever, Coco gosh, and tennis. Oh, yeah? I can't see these people that lifetime fans are losers. You're a lifetime fan of losers. At what point do you go, what am I a fucking idiot? And this is why I say to you, when you drive, right?

You have a drive and the guy in front of you is doing 45. Right. Okay. And you get in the middle lane. I forgot what I was going to say. No, the guy driving 45. And then you get in the middle lane and you're driving like 55.

But then you get on the right lane. And guess what? It's wide open. And you're doing 90. And all the other idiots are behind themselves. Like, what the fuck? Once this guy got to move? You ever pull up to a light?

Uh-huh. And there's a long. line and a short line to make a left. Right. If you're in the long line, just make the left. Take a gun and stick on your mouth. And shoot yourself. Because you took that left lane with all those cars in front of you.

That means you're a fucking follower. You're a fucking father. By subconscious, you're a follower. You just went to the lane because I got to make sure I know what I'm going. No, you don't. That line right there with one car in it. That makes a left, too. But watch this other line.

It all had 80 people. 80 people. And they see the same shit I see. So subconsciously, they're followers. They're just people drive past y'all. Come with us. We're going for the Empire State Building. Okay.

That's what you're telling me you are. Right. When I get on that fucking car line, if I'm in the long line, there's a problem. I'm a retard, okay? New Jersey has gotten to me. The autism rates are real. You know what I'm saying? Oh my God

There's a short lane with two cars Why are you in the long line? Because you feel comfortable Because you're a fucking sheep Because you're a fucking sheep Yeah And my mom didn't come from Cuba For me to be a sheep

Nobody's mom came from Where the fuck they came from For you to be a sheep That's it, that's all I say You know, remember years ago You went to a movie theater And the idiots out there The night before

the movie was great. No, it wasn't. It sucked, but you sat out there for 24 hours. What about the idiots that sat outside for Batman? And they got shot in Colorado. You know, it's, it's, it's, it's, I remember, yeah, dude, what about? So you had the luxury to sit in front of a movie theater.

For eight hours were your infant kid. Tell me why I shouldn't fucking smack you in the mouth. Tell me again, why I shouldn't smack you in the fucking mouth. You know, cool weeks ago they opened up that chicken place. It's chicken fingers. Cains. Cains. There were people there overnight.

Now, again, if this was Iowa or something like that, I get it. But this was like in Jersey somewhere. If you didn't pull up with an AK-47 and just shoot all those people, you're doing them a favor. It wasn't a terrorist act. It was a favor. Dude. They're waiting for fucking chicken tenders.

Even in Iowa, it's not working. night before. Somebody didn't talk to you right. Somebody didn't hug you right. That you're making this a chicken tent. I couldn't wait to get the chicken. What are you? A fucking idiot.

I can see the only chicken cutlets I wait online is for Georgie K. That's it. If I'm just going to get the same generic, anywhere you go now, you order chicken, right? Now get some extra chicken on my fucking lettuce, on my salad, and they give me that grilled chicken cut up that tastes like ass.

I don't want that shit. all that shit's the same I fucking you know but think about these things I'm telling you look at these people that get on those long lines they love it yeah I think some places make their service slow

they feel at home there's an idiot's got a flight and you got to see them like this and they're back there like I'm cutting I'm looking for ways I'm buying a first class I'm doing something but I am I'm lying about it how many times you see me go through Lee.

Oh, like the first class line even when you don't have first class? There's no reason to. They don't know nothing. But we as Americans, we listen to everything they tell us and we fucking believe them. What about the Super Bowl coming? Would you ever pay $10,000 a ticket for a Super Bowl ticket? Yeah. I'm going to go down there with those idiots and go see my favorite team.

Pay $8,000 to walk around. around a bunch of strangers. You're getting pickpocketed. There's hookers. You know, like when you get in a jacuzzi and you get a sty, go to fuck in the Super Bowl and go jump in the jacuzzi.

See what you get. You get a lot more than styes. Oh, my God. Did you ever see the 20, the 60 minute? No, HBO sports documentary. Remember when HBO used to have HBO sports? Yeah.

It was like 60 minutes. Yeah. And then interviewed different people, real sports. Did you ever see what happens when the Super Bowl happens? Did you see that? when they showed it. That hookers is flying.

Dog. It is wild. Yeah. It is every major crime network, hooker network, gambling network, blackjack, they fucking go down for that Super Bowl. I remember what, it was in Atlanta.

Was that the one? And like hooker, they just, they travel around. Like, strippers do it too. Not even just hookers, but like strippers will come in

because they know people are going to be there and they'll take all their money. It's crazy. Listen, and I'm sure for some people, the Super Bowl means a lot more to them. I don't have a... It's like this Super Bowl this year. The only people are going to invite me over. I don't want to watch this fucking game.

I can care less. You don't care at all? I care because of you because you're going to win. Oh, I hope so. But besides that, I don't like both of these teams. I don't get it. So the Super Bowl will be very tough for me this year because I got to go sit with people. What about the commercials?

What about the commercials? Oh, whooped you. do. I can't wait to see one of those Saturday Live, Fred Arminson, one of those jerkoffs, do some fucking faggy fucking commercial. And oh, yeah, we watch the Super Bowl for the commercial. Oh, and for Bad Bunny, I can't listen. It's football. We want to see black people tackling white people and vice versa. That's it. Nobody wants to see a halftime singer. Nobody wants to see nothing. I hate the halftime show. Think about it. So it's all a fucking rip-off. It's just a rip-off. It's just a rip-off. And when you, listen, it's like seeing the Grammys on TV,

and you're like, I wish I was there. No, you don't. Because unless you're there with guns and roses, if you're just going to fly to L.A. and go to the Grammys, you're going to see behind the curtain. And you're going to hate it. And why? Because it's all bullshit.

They rotate seats, it's extras. All those people you see in the front row, they're all extras. You're like, man, that guy's good looking. Yeah, they're all models and shit. And they put them there to point their finger. Or with their camera, it's bullshit. Yeah. You could tell it's like the fucking the rioters.

Who's giving them these signs? They can't spell. Who's giving them these signs? You know, free us, America. They can't spell. They go to a van and the guy gives them a sign. The guy looks at them and goes, all right. At least look at the person and go, this guy can't spell shoot.

You know what I'm saying? You can look at somebody and know what words they can't spell. You know what I'm saying? Like me. You know I can't spell a lot of words. So it'd be one of those fucking words. Give you a very easy sign. Like fuck whatever.

That's it. Yeah, that's it. The fuck is wrong with people. And that's the thing. Like, listen, if I was a die hard, giant fan, you know, die hard. Like, I got all the jerseys. I got all the sneakers. I got the pillowcase.

I got the fucking lunchbox. Yeah, you know, those of the grown fucking men. I would love to see you with a lunchbox. You know, I mean, yeah, I'd probably spend the money and take somebody. my daughter or something if she was into it but to grab my daughter and go you gotta see this no you don't

a bunch of drunk fucking jerk go giants yeah that's great if I had like 50,000 on the game then I would go dog if I had two million dollars I would just go to the game and sit up top and hang out with Cardi Beef

and fucking bring some rural fucking crown out to fucking that game in California because I'm not going to pay $10,000 for a sweet to get fucking sushi and granola out there. I'm flying out my own food. I got my own plane coming with shit. In the box, everything. That's how you do it.

But I don't want to go to a fucking game and sit there like a Joe American and have to weigh down lines and go for beef. I don't want to do that. That's not exciting for me, you know. No, sweet would be nice. For a lot of money, for a lot of money, I don't want to do that.

I don't want to do that. I didn't want to do that. When I went to the longest show, I didn't go to the game. I gave the ticket away. They give you a free ticket? Yeah. Oh, dang.

You didn't even sell it? Oh, I would have sold it. It makes somebody's day. I had the best opportunity in my life. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I just didn't want to be involved. I don't know.

I'm just not that. It's too much money. I don't mind going to a UFC. But I don't need to be at all of them sitting there and dancing in front of the camera. Because that's what those events have become. It's everything. is IG. Everything is Instagram. Yeah. Where can I take a

fucking picture? Go to that Super Bowl. It's going to be a 10 million selfie sticks. Yeah? That's it. Look at me in front of the giant thing. Look at me. In front of the New England bench. Hit me up when you're in the bench. And Tom Brady and you are smoking a joint. That's the picture I want.

That's a good picture. You with the thing, look at me. That don't give a fuck. I want, you know what I'm saying? I want, show me a picture with you sucking fucking Sophia Fergaris. tit inside of New England fucking thing. I'm in. But for you to take a pen, look at me, I'm at the Super Bowl. Me and three other ignorant

fucks that, you know, I just see it like, I don't know. Maybe. Maybe I'm miserable. Maybe, I don't know. I just, those things haven't been fun to me. I got to be honest with you in 30 years. So let me ask you this. What's your ideal

event or day? Like, what is fun to you? Concret in a small venue. Okay. Like those American Express concerts. I don't even know what they had. They had those? Yeah, they do them like they did them with Chris Cornell at Webster Hall. And, you know, American Express people could buy their tickets first.

Okay. But it's very small, like 2,000 seats. I'll pay whatever. I'd rather pay all the dough for that. Yeah. And I could just walk a little bit and it's just a little bathroom. It's just like the Beacon Theater. It's just like, you know.

Easy. Yeah, yeah. Okay. I don't want to that stadium shit No You can't even see him $4,000 you gotta go early

Well you're going to tailgate I don't have to do shit I don't do shit okay You know it's just so many things To get to the place That doesn't seem like fun to me I get that I love Listen I grew up at the garden

I love Mass Square Garden But I'm not giving you $500 It's just principal and for what? So I could sit in the front with Fat Joe and make believe I'm somebody I'm not. Right. And Jesus, sit in the front

and make believe I'm somebody I'm not with a glass and nine of the ten, I'll be like this. Yeah. You know? You spend all that money in your, yeah, you're bored. Dude, it's, uh,

I think at least you're honest with yourself. I think a lot of people feel like they have to do things and they just say yes and they don't even have a good time. Well, I learned this when I was fucking 17 years old. What happened? I learned something very important. I learned, I don't like going to concerts no more.

You know, I have groom, the bands, okay, how many times can you see McJaggart? How many times can you see this guy or this guy? What was your question? Well, you were saying that you learned at 17. I learned that even for me. I hate to say this. I used to do, I watch my daughter now.

And I can tell you something. My daughter's a lot like Terry, but she's a lot like me and it bothers me. Because she took the worst things from me. She took the worst things from me. She took the ability to see the future. That seemed like a good thing to take. It's like what you said.

You didn't ride your bike because you saw yourself in the hospital. you saw the future. After you go out, like, I'm going to type of, like, look, when we got here, everything was a dinner. Right? Every time you bump into some people, we got to go to a new restaurant.

Or Gagee and Cliffside. You know, it's every fucking week. Somebody hits you with a new restaurant. So the only way I could have a social life is by going to a restaurant. Yeah? And sitting with eight guys and, do you want sparkling water or bubbly?

And the table behind you loud and all that shit. that became that. After a while, I kept saying, what are we doing this for? We're dropping $800 to do something that we could do in our houses. Have people come over, get some Chinese or whatever.

What are we doing? What are we doing? When I was young, I would make these plans. I did this constantly. I'd make these plans, spend the money, get there, and then realize

I don't want to be there. Oh, no. And would you stay or would you leave? Oh, that would pay. I did it in Florida one time with our friend. We drove down, got out of the car, looked at the beach and said, there's no coke. This sucks.

We got right back in the car and drove to Jersey from Miami. There was no coke in Miami? At this time, we had run out of Coke. Okay. And we're trying to get someone on the beach and people like, we don't know. We're fucked up. You know, we're not going to go to a hotel room.

We just got right back in the car and drove straight back to Northburg. And then I went to Hawaii. I didn't know you went to Hawaii. A friend of mine when we were young because I had a girl from Clipside that, well, the office was in Clipside. She worked for a travel agency. She would get you all inclusive deals, like $900 for nine days. Nice.

Okay. After three days, what are we doing here? See, I like vacation. No, nine days. And even then, with no dough, nothing, I'm like three days. That's it. good. I looked at him. I go, what do you think? You're like, get the fuck out of here. We're on the next

flight, and it costs his money. We had to pay like $150 to fly. I was like... To leave? Oh, my God. But it's just... And I was doing the same thing with concerts. Right. I would get to a concert. They'd play the song you want to hear, and you're like, I don't know. I got the hour with these idiots.

Breathe them on me and all. Let's get the fuck out of here. Go home and get a slice of pizza and call it. Dude, and speaking of that, I haven't watched a UFC in probably four or five years. I love that it's on Paramount Plus now. Did you want, I didn't watch that much of it because I had the show. But the fact that I don't have to pay 80 to 100 bucks anymore to watch a fight.

How many fights do you watch a year? Like you said. I would have. I will now because I get it for 10 bucks a month. Well, when you see the commercials. I don't give a fuck. I don't give it. But that's, but I just read about people who are pissed about the commercial.

And like Dana said, it's $8. Yeah. We got to make some fucking money, you know. But people are never satisfied no matter what. People are never going to be satisfied no matter what. Fuck, I... But that's my problem. Okay.

Now, if I feel that way, I started noticing kids that were, will go to all the concerts. They weren't going to concerts because they liked the music. They found out that by going to concerts, it made them cooler. It wasn't to go to the music. It was to come home with the t-shirt and sit outside of high school. And when you come in the next day, they're like, yeah, it was sensational. But you knew 10 people went, and they were like, dog, that was dog shit.

So 10 people who I really trust compared to three white dudes that are just walking around with their eyes closed trying to be cool, I didn't believe them no more. Because everybody else was telling me the sound was bad. The guy was hammered. The fucking lights fell down. the bird flew out, but you're telling me it was the best show you ever saw. So what's the truth here? What's the fucking truth here?

The truth is, since you went all out and bought this, you can't say it sucked. Me, I'll say it sucked. I'm the type of guy to go, Doug, we left. What do you mean you left? You paid $200? We left, though. There's no reason to be that. But people who pay $200 or, can you imagine today paying $6,000 to see a band?

what are you going to say when you see your friends? They were good. Oh, they weren't. He's 80. He's 70. He's 18 backup singers. His dick is falling out of his pants. His legs are like beam poles because he's 70 and you're telling me, no, I'm not taking that.

I'm not taking that. So if you go to these old concerts and you're older than like, and now you have the 20-year-olds that are just confused. They go to a store and go, who's tool? They're a band. and they don't even listen to an hour. Don't just buy a $400 a ticket and go and get a shirt

without even enjoying the concert. By the way, I saw, what's the name of the Jewish band? Everybody jumps up and down. Infected mushroom? I think they were at the garden. Were they? Okay. Something.

And they had Jews with little hats. The whole fucking garden was jumping up and down. Oh, shit. Yeah. Shaking his shit. Them Jews are rocking jack. Yeah, Jews like to party.

They had a Palestinian that were beating up in the middle. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. They just fly them in. Oh, they just fly them in. They fly them in on the kites, like the, like the way the Assad took them out, whatever the fuck. October 7th, yeah. Are they even important anymore?

Nobody's talking about Gaza no more. No. Yeah, it's a C-Sy spot. Is there? Remember how they plucked out the Jews? Yeah. Those air things, what do you call them? Like the gliders or whatever?

Yeah. That's what you, you just bring a glider in with a Palestinian. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. We haven't eaten lunch. Okay. We haven't eaten lunch. That's a good line.

Let's take a minute. We're going to take a breather. Talk to you about Draft Kings real quick. The playoffs, everything. We'll be right back. What's happening? Uncle Joey here. This episode is brought to you by Draft King's Sportsbook,

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We're talking about time. And that's all I ever talk about, man. And that's what I really mean is that for years I sat behind the eight ball dreaming, but I didn't have this fucking albatross around my neck, whether it was drugs or probation or whatever and I kept putting away time one more year at this time next year I won't be doing drugs

I did that like fucking 20 years yeah you know after a while you stop believing yourself you're like I don't know well I'm even out of lies to myself you know so when that shit just disappeared I was like dog before anything I gotta get back some of this time yeah just a little bit of it just maybe if I get five years back, be productive.

Something. You know, and now, like, you're seeing that people work longer. At 70, that's, you see people walking around now. Yeah. At 70, you see people walking around. There's still tons of 70-year-olds that are healthy. I guess I'm going to make my time up there.

Yeah, but you're also not, it's amazing, like, because you were talking earlier, I'll get my life together when I'm 30, whatever. There's a lot of people who just dropped dead at 28, 35. Like, you have no idea. And you're in the casket. I should have taken that job at Costco. You know what I mean?

Yeah. And that's, it's a life of regrets. You want to have as little, listen, a life of regrets isn't bad because at least you tried. What about somebody who we went to high school with that got a job at Tully Avenue at one of those places? and he's just about ready to retire now. And he's 60 and he never tried anything. He never took a chance. He put away his paychecks.

He fucking ate TV dinners to save money. So when he gets hold, he never took a chance. He never fucking took a chance, man. Did you want that to be you? Fucking God gave you this great life and you didn't take a chance. You didn't take a fucking chance. Like you didn't go on vacations. you didn't even go, forget vacations.

Forget vacations. You didn't even go see what another city looked like. You were so scared of everything in your life. And trust me, for all the shit we talk on here, there's millions of people that are like that. That they go to their jobs, they come home. They're safe, man. And they'll do that to their 65.

Somewhere or another, their parents will die, leave them half a house. You know, I mean, and that's how you see it. And it's the same thing. The kids they're going to have aren't going to light themselves on fire because the parents didn't like themselves on fire. Do you see Mercy take, like, doing stuff that other kids don't do? Because, like, because of you and Terry, like, did, like, went to L.A.

Like, is she more adventurous? Yes, and no, because she's my daughter. So she's a fucking weirdo like me, you know. You see that she even told me, though. I thought about it. And then I said, I'm going to get dressed up and go. down there and see those people. I'd rather stay home. I'm like, this is my daughter.

She just wrote her night out before the night was out. And sometimes that's great. And sometimes that's bad. Yeah? Because, I mean, isn't that what you want when you have a kid? Is like, give them your good qualities? But, yeah, but... I like that. I wanted to have a sense of

adventure. I wanted to know that life is a maze. You're going to go down this street and there's going to be a door. You're going to go down this street. You're a mouse. You're just a mouse in a rat race. You're trying to get to the door that's going to, and that's where you're trying. But I don't want you to give up after two fucking doors. What good is if you gave up after two fucking doors, you've got to keep rolling into those

fucking doors and see what it brings. And if it's no, it's no. If it's yes, it's yes. Like anything else. But I'm going to sit there at 60 and regret that. Fuck, all I ever want to do is a play in New York. That's easy. Yeah.

that's easy dude I was I was I got a little high and I was listening to music the other like a week or two I even tweeted I haven't tweeted in fucking years but I think it was like a John Lennon song it had like one of the best lyrics I've ever heard

like life is what happens when you're busy making plans or something that's a fucked up lyric because I do nothing but plan and I think a lot of people do that's all they do it's like um late man

comedy is really going on right now in this town. I'm not blowing smoke up your ass. I think you should find your way to Cincinnati or L.A. or New York. And you go, yeah, that's in my plans. I'm putting away money. And in 18 months, I'll be right, disconnect that call. That's never going to happen. And you know it. You know it just from dealing with 100 people who tell you in three years I'm going to Europe. I'm putting away money. happening. That's not happening. I want the guy that you call and go, hey, bro, what are we doing tomorrow? I got $1.80. I got $3. That's $4.80 between the both of us. We can make it.

And you're there. You tried some. Hey, we couldn't get in. We failed. No big deal. We didn't get in. We didn't do this. We didn't get that diploma. It's going to happen. We just can't go home and stay home and make your life safe. I have tons of regrets. Not the regrets that most people have. I have regrets that I robbed people. I robbed people who I loved. You know, I did shit like that. But nothing I wanted to try that I ever let stand in the way of anything.

I fucking got to it one way or the other. It took me two years to get on stage from being a pussy. Telling you the truth. Being a pussy because I was scared for what was going to happen. If I crossed that war, what is going to happen? I wasn't scared to crossing the war. I was scared to what was going to happen. happened and what I thought was going to happen

happened. What became successful? I knew that if I tried that, it was a lot better than anything else I was doing. And I had something attached to comedy. I liked it. Yeah. I liked laying bricks, but I don't want to work there

10 hours a day every fucking day. And that's good for three days. You lay some bricks. Oh, you're a great catch in a month. You know? You follow me? But I crossed over something that I was kind of scared because I knew that maybe would find the voice. Maybe I would do good.

And you know what? I can't do that. I got to stay on this side of France. I got to keep smoking Coke and keep being a loser. That's 50% of the population, guys. And things might be going well on paper. Like it's the reason why I like stand-up or. over like a day job is there and you always like the you always talk about pay like there's no

ceiling on your pay but even nothing upsets me more than when people tell you oh it's a job you're not supposed to like your job why am i going to do it for 40 years if i don't do i exactly bums me out exactly exactly you know it's like having that it's like having a job when you do stand-up in the beginning, and you're getting better. And all you salivate about was the day you call the boss and tell him to suck your dick. That's all you dream about. Listen, I've been there. I don't care what fuck on anybody.

No, I didn't think like that. Fuck you. Because there's one night during the week that you go out to an open mic or somewhere, and there's somebody who's got a gram of Coke. There's a chick who was a stripper who thinks she wants to be a comic. There's all fucking things that you're going to get snagged. And you're not going to make it for that job. and you still get up in the morning

and what do you do when you put your sneakers on? Man, someday I'm going to be funny. I'm not going to have to do this fucking job. Yeah? And then one day you have to quit that job. You actually do it. But now you're kind of scared. I don't know what.

I get those people. I don't know what light's going to bring now. I've never worked on commission before. Give it a shot. Because I know this for a fact. If I tell you, I'm going to pay you 20 bucks and out. Okay. And give you a raise every whenever the law says to.

every year and then I'll take care of you. Whatever I'm going to pay you from 20 to the age of 60, I think you have more of a shot with a mediocre salary going on your own, finding the lumps of it and getting good at it. Because the year you're going to eat shit for,

you're going to eat good for 20 years after that. It's just a year that you're going to have to bust your balls, maybe 18 months. You have to eat at moms, you're going to have to live at mom's basement, whatever. You know, live on your girlfriend's floor, whatever, knowing. Yeah.

You know, knowing that. Especially at 18, and I wouldn't have made it, so it wouldn't have been for me. But looking back at it, joining the military is probably the smartest thing most people can do. I have retired by 35. I have that regret also. I did an eight ball the night before and didn't go for my blood test on Bergen-Line Avenue. Because, listen, why don't people join the service? Tell me what?

I think half of them are scared, and then half of them, like you feel like you're signing up for five or six years and you can't leave. That's scary. Now, tell these people at home how fast five years goes. It was COVID. I just, I've been here five years. Yeah.

And it went like that. Five years, when you look at, when somebody looks at you and goes, because I was the king of that, hey, so when do you think I'll become a plumber or a painter? And they're like, wow, like six years away. You're like, six years? I rent is due next week.

You're like, because we think for today, we don't think for six years. Six years, six years I could be here with you for four years, cross Boulevard East and get hit by a truck. And there's my six years, wasting my time with you. But then again, that's what we're all scared of. We look at the time and we go, fuck that. Let me tell you some. How long have you been doing a podcast with me for?

15 years? You're five years away from retiring in the service. right now. I know. So you would join the service at 21, you're out of the at 41 with a pension, all your insurance, your shoes,

your sneakers, everything for the rest of your life. It's like somebody keeps asking this on IG. You see it? Pick two things. You ever see that when they hit you? No. A million dollars,

uh, $1,000 a second to fuck two models for the rest of your life. Pick two. Right. You know? Yeah. to me.

And it's between those two? No, no, no, no. I'm just saying that it says pick two of anything. Right, right. What would you rather have 200 a month for 10 years? You know, it doesn't matter. It's like we see that. We see that wall and it's our right. I don't give a fuck who

you are. I don't give a fuck how intelligent you are. When they hit you with the amount of years, you go, ooh, at first. You know? But then even a doctor, seven years. Seven years and eight, one year in emergency, maybe 18 months in emergency, and you're making $3,000,000 a year

for the rest of your fucking life. But it's scary. We don't look at that eight years. We're like, fuck. Eight years. Eight years is like this. Eight years is like this. What's today's date?

The 28th, the 29th. Today I was like, fuck, it's a 28th tomorrow. The 29th. I'm like, I'm a regular at the comedy store, 30 years. Damn. 30 years, not 10, not five, 30 fucking years. I'm a regular at the comedy store. Okay, but I'm wrong because it's January of next year, 2007.

But think about that. 30 fucking years ago, I walked into that place with three pair of jeans, fucking two T-shirts, a fucking, what's that shit you have in your mouth? An absence, yeah. An abscess that I could squeeze the pus up. And it would shoot at people out of a fucking mola. that was dead. You know, I didn't know what it was going to bring. 30 fucking years. It seemed like yesterday. For people who were asking,

it seemed like two years ago. So if you didn't want to join the Army or whatever, or a commitment to medical school or even an attorney, because you looked at the payoff, you're wrong. You were wrong. And trust me, I made that mistake. I'm sure a lot of people in this room made that mistake. We looked at the time and we go, nah, I'll sell drugs. Yeah. Then you got arrested in two years. You do two years of time and you're like, I'm at the same place I was four years ago. I could have gone to work and been a fuck and whatever now.

Dude, the fact that you, you told, like, you've talked about, like, the score that you made before you went to jail. And your lawyer bill was the exact amount of money you made. I would have been like, fuck it. I'm going with the, with the free attorney. It's crazy. It's crazy. What we do and we spin our fucking wheels. And at some age, you're like, how much longer am I going to spend my wheels?

you know and that's all we I'm talking to you you guys that's all I'm trying to tell you I'm giving it to you from my perspective I had a lot of time to catch up so I when I had that when I had that feeling that I was three months clean four months clean I'm like we got this now now we got to start doing something because before I had an excuse and I didn't use it an excuse. Pretty tough to tell people I didn't make it because I started eight ounces of coke last night. Right. So, but you follow me? So you had this, and that's right. That's the thing. You have to look and go, what do I want before I fucking, they put me in this fucking hole, which could be any day now. Yeah. Could be any fucking day. I get an infection in my knee.

I die. This thing gets infected. I die. You know, anything, anything. I got, before, I was going on the stairs. And I'm like, what if I fall like ace freely? And I'm dead tomorrow. I'm listening to His songs the next day. What if you bump your head? Yeah. What if I slip on the ice and bump my head and don't go to the hospital and die in my sleep? That's what happened to John Mulaney. He died, a comedian.

Morrini? Bob Saggett. No, no, no. John, a couple weeks ago, a comedian died. Oh, okay. He was doing something outside. He slipped. He banged his head.

He went in, he fell asleep and he died. Damn. So this is why. Might as well go for it. Go for it. Who gets guys? Who gives the shit? at the end nobody's going to remember that you failed they're going to remember you didn't do dick

what's that movie with gandefini and tom hardy a fucking really good movie oh yeah it's called the drop and he goes tom hardy goes to see him one night when he's trying to rob the soup bowl it's about robbing the bar on the soup bowl night and he candofini takes the night off and tom hardy goes down there and checks him that's a great scene about two guys that know they're fucking done but now they're arguing about how done they really are. Like, you know, and he's like, well, there was one time when I walked into a bar, people sat up straight. When?

And Talahad, he's like, when was that? The fuck out of here. Well, my name was on the bar. You know, whatever the fuck it is. It's just, you just always, I didn't know what I was going to do. When I turned 42, I did the longest yard, after the longest yard that one year

when nothing happened and everybody else was popping up everybody else had a show I was like I'm done I'm like I might as well start and that's when you start thinking about walking into subway and seeing that guy

there's like three 10 year olds in there three like 18 year olds and one retarded 22 year old but then there's always that one 58 year old guy with a lead zeppelin shirt on with the long ponytail his nails are still painted, you know, and he's still living, like, man, I smoke sense of me at one time. The other thing are like, really?

Yeah, man. Who gives a fuck? You're at Subway. Nah. You're 58 and you're at Subway with the ponytail and the colored nail. Still thinking it's 1980 and you're in Arrow Smith or you're young blood. You're neither of them. You're in a Subway sandwich.

What do you have to say for yourself now? what was so cool about your life what was so fucking cool about it oh I went to feed the implement and we partied out okay and then what especially when you're making 15 bucks an hour

that's not how you nobody planned to go out that way nobody planned to work at subway at 60 and try to be the cool guy of subway with two earrings and silver on eight silver chains and silver bracelets.

Yeah, look at me, I'm cool. You're not that cool. You're at Subway. You're too stupid to even get a greeter job at Costco. That's how stupid you are. 50 Gs a year. You're that stupid. You're still here.

Yeah, we're going to meet the guys tonight. We're going to go to Bankey Wankies and see a band. Yeah, good. Yeah. You know, and then you see them like all their friends got motorcycles. They got like the beat-up motorcycles. and they got to wear a football helmet for a helmet and shit. Why?

How did this happen? Did you not catch yourself somewhere along the line? But there's excuses. What if you did time for 30 years? And you came out. You know, what if you, you know, I don't know. But nobody should be 58 in a fucking subway with painted fingernails on, dressed like Aerosmith, still talking about it, you know.

Isn't it? That's a weird one. and it's not just rock but when you can tell what somebody likes by the way they're dressed and then when they're old I can see when you're 20

you want to scare people and shock people look at me I'm goff you ain't goth when you fuck Marilyn Manson that's when you're got when you suck that skinny dick and he shits on your forehead

that's God what you're doing with that white kid in the village that's nothing that's just two little faggots he has to shit on your forehead oh Marilyn Manson destroyed those women three of them sued him what he put me through.

He would put you in a closet and give you like a handbone and fuck you two hours later. You know, that's God. You want God, bitch? I'll give you God. I had no idea. Yeah, you got a shit on your forehead

to get fucked and all that crazy shit. I got to shit in my mouth and all that. People aren't ready for that. They just think they read goff and they get creepy eyelashes and all of a sudden they wear, they get work boots in a fucking, I'm God.

You're not God. Why do you think people are willing to put up with that to like to like fuck a celebrity because they wouldn't let they wouldn't let a normal guy shit on their forehead but if it's Marilyn Manson they're fucking cool with

it's amazing what you can do when you're a celebrity it's not even a celebrity it's just what do you think if I could fight on somebody's forehead yeah you know people come with me you're a celebrity you don't see me shitting on somebody's fucking forehead and looking in the mirror and going I'm a bad motherfucker after it you know what I'm saying

you have a better chance now than you would have you were working at fucking hashways. Dude, I guarantee that there's one, and I'm not saying she's going to be good looking, but there's one woman out there listening to this right now. I'd be like, I'd let Uncle Joey shit on my forehead. You know, it's really weird. Remember when, remember the episode of Sopranos

when Christopher found out that his girlfriend was a rat? Yeah. And he went somewhere to call her. he was getting gas the family pulled up the guy even looked like him with the fucking hook nose and he had a wife and they had like four kids

with rickets and they walked out and they had a mattress on the car and they walked out and they all came back potato chips and Christopher looked at that guy the same way I look at people sometimes and go what the fuck happened how did you have four kids and you still want to play this game

when you see that it's because the guy was still playing that game I'm telling you the band's gonna make it listen stop stop you're all 60 you're in no danger

you know the singer's got a fucking clep lip I mean and that's what the problem happens that you let that dude take it that his family a wife didn't get up and go

it's over this is not happening no more you're getting a good job tomorrow or not I'm taking my kids and my parents out And you see that. When you saw that, and it hits you. He saw that this was going to be his fucking life now with this Illiana,

whatever fucking name was. Adrian. And I got to go on the run with this rat. She's going to be around me all the time because we're rats. I'm not doing that. And you have to decide what you're going to do and what you're not going to fucking do. You know, and that's it. That's all I ever trying to tell people, man.

I'm not about anybody else. I'm trying to fucking make up time. And that's how I look at things. It's wrong. Some people look at me and go, oh, well, you don't want to have no fun. Define fun. Define fun to me. You know what fun is, man? Us getting in that fucking plane and not having to worry about it. Okay? That's fun. Can we do that every week? No. No, I can't do that every week. What, to take you guys and make it a family thing? That's fun. So what is fun? Define fun to me. Define fun.

You want to go to some concert with four losers with $8 in your pocket? You don't even know how you're coming home. If the ferry stops working at night or whatever, you know. I mean, define fun to me. What was fun? And I'm talking about me. Fun for me was snort and coke

and looking out of window and being in debt and somebody looking for me and somebody owe me. That was fun for me. Oh, my God. That's fun. Yeah, that's fun, Joey. That was my fun. Was it that much fun?

No. I heard people I loved. You know, it was just a variety of things. I'm not regretting it now. Some of those people I should have robbed twice. Some of those fucking scumbags. I should have robbed them three, four fucking time. That's what the situation here.

Do you think, like, in like 10 years, not Coke, but like at some point, maybe you'll pick up robbing again? Just little things. It's not a big one. Just like, shut up a little thing. A little bit. Listen, man, you get to a point where once you get out of something, you learn how to get out of a lot of things. And the common messages, you got out alive, don't go back.

Not even to visit, not even to look. Don't go back. That was a point in time. Don't go back. Because when we go back, that's when we get in trouble. Right. You know, so don't go back. Okay, I guess.

See, to me, I thought you had fun doing that. I could talk. It was fun shoplifting. It was fun snort and coke and snoring Coke off the chick's pussy and staying up all night and tying her up. And that's fun. And I still think it would be fun. You know what I'm saying?

If I could do Coke and fucking still be crazy, I would. But I know if I did a line of Coke, my world would collide. Not health or nothing like that, the promise I made. But we're not even going to get into that. I just know that I can't go back to that. You don't know how many times do I think about that? Like when I turn 65, I get 10 A balls. Yeah?

And get some 25-year-old chick and black in the room in a hotel room and fuck it until I die. With Viagra, because most guys just die from the Viagra. Oh, yeah. That's not a bad way to go. Oh, no, no. But then my daughter and my wife see that. And they're reading the paper that they picked them up at a hotel.

He was tied up with jelly on his balls. And then that's great. That's great. That's great. that'll be great. They'll be holding the head up high. You know what I'm saying? Where are you at this week, Cucksucker?

This week. We're at the dojo tonight. Wednesday night, dojo, Saturday night. St. George, motherfucking theater. Staten Island, Royal Crown. What's the other place I said with the chicken? I don't know the name. You just said there's great chicken.

Fucking great. I had two pieces today. Tremend. Oh, I can't wait. The ham, the cheese. Oh, the chicken cord on blue. Yeah. Chicken cordon blue from Fiore's.

I love. Can't wait. Fiori. I can't wait. I'm excited about that. And that's it, guys. We have nothing this week. Thursday night, I'm at the Grizzly Pear.

Friday night, I'm at Tiny Covered. But I'll be in a few places. I'm very excited. He's a man of many places, Lisa. He, too, is trying to recover on lost time. You know what I'm saying? But anyway, I love you guys. I'm sorry about last week.

I'm sorry about putting the podcast up late this week. The snow we couldn't control some shit. So it's here now. Take it and take a fucking high. I love you, Cocksuckers. Have a great week. We love you here. Tell them to you love them.

I love you guys. Love you.