Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - It's all in the image

Episode Date: June 24, 2025

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What's happening, beautiful people? It's Tuesday, the 24th of June. It's a beautiful day to be alive. The church, New Testament is in session. Jack, let's get this party started. What's happening? Uncle Joey here. Listen, your gut is the cornerstone of your health. It affects your hormone levels, energy and weight management.

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and get 15% off your guts comeback. That's 15% off your first order when you use code church. Just press the link and our show notes. I wanna thank Bioma for sponsoring the show. Hey! What's up you beautiful people? Here we are for another fantastic Tuesday podcast. You got my main man, Lee Syatt.

We're gonna bring a guest, but you motherfuckers don't like him. the guest it's just us talking shit to world events what happened last week and what's gonna happen next week what's up Negro I'm happy to be it's a dude I don't you don't you don't sweat that much which is crazy as a big dude you don't seem like you sweat that much I don't try to go outside too much I don't try to put myself in a bad position. You sweat when you go to the gym. That's it.

Oh my God. I don't know how even, like, I walk, you walk into a store in the city and they don't have air conditioning on. No, nobody's got air conditioning. Fuck that. Are you serious? They're saving. Prices went up on electric.

That's it. You got to pass the savings down to the consumer. Fuck, I bought- Nobody's got air conditioning on them. I know for a fact you're gonna make fun of me, but I don't care. I bought this little fan that he put around your neck. I know you did.

So I can walk around with it. You're gonna get mugged with hot as shadow with that. If they mug me for the fan, I bought two fans so I can have one in the backup in case the other one dies. I- Put that fucking fan away. Never. Throw it away in the garbage. I brought one here that's a little- That little white one? No backup in case the other one dies. I had fucking fan away never wrote away No, I brought one here. That's a little that little white one. No, there's a little black one George brought the little one I brought one that you hook into your pants and it goes up your shirt

But the problem is I'm too fat so I can't putting something in your belt loop when you're fat is not gonna work Dude, I love fans. I don't know how people do it if you Like I always think about Florida if I lived in Florida I don't know how people do it. If you, like, I always think about Florida. If I lived in Florida and didn't have air conditioning, I'd kill myself. Who would not have air conditioning in Florida? There's plenty of people. Only a homeless person.

Oh, even then, I'd rather be homeless, because at least you're outside with some breeze. So, like, a lot of these homes, a lot of people don't have air conditioning. Come on, man. A lot of people, I know there like a lot of these homes, a lot of people don't have air conditioning. Come on, man. A lot of people, I know there's a lot of people that open the windows up and go, oh my God, you don't need air conditioning, well go fuck yourself,

it ain't coming over. You need air conditioning. There's some times in the summer where you need fucking air conditioning, I don't like being uncomfortable. No. And that's what heat makes you, uncomfortable. Something ain't right, you're sitting there, baseball games in July,

fuck you, fuck you. August in the heat of fucking August, sit there and get burned by the sun, that's not for me, man. You make all those mistakes, and then you go, it's not for me, I don't wanna sit out there. It's like going to a jet game in November. It's not bad enough, they're gonna lose,

but then I gotta freeze my ass off. The other day, one of the Florentine brothers fucking June this motherfucker's already got tickets for December 13th my Against the Jets. Are you going not at all? Look at the date Look at the fucking date. No way I'm going there and I'm not sitting in the stands on a fucking jet or fucking giant or whatever game I gotta sit somewhere where I'm not gonna be bothered. If not, it's gonna be a fucking nightmare. So.

Dude, do you remember? I remember when I was a kid, I went to where the Patriots play and they had, like the bleachers used to be just like metal benches, like long metal benches. Those in the summer? Fuck you. And I don't know,

because we have a lot of chubby listeners. So like, I know they get it. But I hate, whenever a skinny person tells me that they're fine, that's when I, you know me, I don't really get angry that much. That's when I get fucking angry. What'd you do last weekend? Anything good?

You did some comedy? I did a little comedy en masse. I had to go home. My mom had, I had to do something medical with her. How's she doing? Great, she's doing? Great. She's doing much better. But it made me think about you when you were in the hospital earlier this year.

Just like. It's amazing. Like the people like I I'm down on people a little bit, but the like doctors and nurses are are like heroes. I don't know how it was. It's it's so cool to see, just to see actual good people. So it was a scary week, everything's fine, thank God. But it was just, you know, when you gotta go through tests

and she ended up having to spend the night. But it was a real good experience. You know, I was getting the set list ready and I was just writing shit down, you know? Like for Thursday and Friday, I want to throw up there. And I threw up the hospital. You know, I threw some hospital jokes. Right.

And I was like, you know, fucking, that was a long time ago. I know. March, April, May, June. That was four months ago. George, sit down please. Sit down, sit down. You're making me nervous.

And you were like, like you said, every once a month for a week, and it was like, you weren't even really feeling better when you got out of the hospital. No, I was feeling good enough to go home, but not, and I thought I would get better over the days, but it was fucked up when I look at it. Fucked up when I think about it.

Fucked up what happened, and it happens in life. I can't get angry. No. It could have been a lot worse. I could have been in the hospital for three months. Thank God it was just, you know, 14, 15 days divided by three fucking months. And I made the best of it.

I mean, in my mind, I went in there and I was having a good time. I was eating cereal, I was fucking staying up late, drinking fucking fresh orange juice at night, you know, having a good time. But it got old on me and it weighed on me. It's like my ears weighing on me. This has been since last fucking October

and they're still not, you know, so now thank God, I got one of the girls on my daughter's softball team, he's a plastic surgeon and he asked me, what's wrong with your fucking ear? And I showed him, he goes, why didn't they do this, this, this and this, I don't know. I don't fucking know. You know, and he's like, all right,

come in to see me next week. I'm gonna do all this shit, and then I want you to, he goes, I'm gonna be working at the hospital, and I want you to come into the emergency room, and I'm gonna take care of you there with fucking, with a different insurance, I mean, the guys, you know, they're Russian. They do what they want.

That's the only way to do it, is like, you have to know somebody to get through it. You have to know somebody to get through it. And I'm happy that I feel a lot better now. I have worked very fucking hard since April. I mean, since I got out of the hospital, I wrote some shit down, I made my decisions about some stuff,

and I have stuck very tight to that plan. Just to the teeth. I've hit the goals every week that I want to, food-wise, weight-wise, workout-wise, you know. So, you only could wish for the best. You can, but it's also like, as you get older, it's gonna happen no matter what you do. Listen, we were having a talk before the podcast started about stand-up.

How you get frustrated with standup. You know when you get frustrated? When you pop your head up, like what comes out on February 3rd? What's that animal that comes out and tells you? Oh, the groundhog, yeah. The groundhog. You know what time you get depressed in comedies

when you pop your head up to look around? Think about that. When your head is under that, when you're barreling through a tunnel, you're not depressed, because you're working. You're making the best of it, okay? You put your head down. When you have a situation in your life, whether it's stand up, health, whatever, you put your head down and go, this is what needs to be done. I can't stay up till two in the morning watching

a movie I already watched eight times. That's what I do, that's what I do, that's all I do. I'll wait till 11 and then something's coming on at midnight. I'll go, oh shit, midnight. So now I'll go upstairs, drink coffee, smoke 18 bonheads and wait for midnight to come. Then I'm up till two. Watching a movie I've seen 80 fucking times already. And I stopped all that shit.

Like George and I were talking this morning. I went to bed at 10 last night. I had like eight missed calls last night, from like 10.30 to 12.54, people calling me last night. And I'm like, wow. I went upstairs at 10 to fucking 10. And you actually go to sleep? Went to sleep.

Grabbed the cat. Fuck, my wife even goes, where you going? I'm going up. If you wanna come, you're more than welcome to come. I'll see you in the morning. Because nobody has to get up this week. There's no six thirty in the morning, there's shit. There's no camp, there's no school.

So there ain't shit going on. That's great. And do you notice a difference? Are you feeling better with mostly? Fuck yeah. And I take a nap in the afternoon too. I work so hard in the morning that when I go home at one, one thirty, I fuck around, I take a nap in the afternoon, too I work so hard in the morning that when I go home at 1 1 30 I fuck around I take a shower And by 3 30 I gotta go down. I gotta go down for a fucking hour an hour and a half

Sometimes 1 30 sometimes the other day. I went to bed at 3 30. I got up at 6 15 at night Really? Yeah Wow, I'm jealous. And but, dude, you seem, like you seem a lot calmer, and you seem like at peace, which is nice. Why I don't have anything to fucking, I don't let nothing break my balls like I used to. Why do you think you used to?

I answer it, I answer back now. And I go, no, I'm not doing that shit no more. Because I was putting everything before your health. Not really everything. But if some motherfucker calls me and says, you need to talk at 1130, I'll cancel Jiu Jitsu over that. And then it's a 10 minute call. That's a waste of my time.

So nobody cancels my workout sessions no more. There's a program, I gotta do something from Monday to Friday. Saturday and Sunday I take the fuck off, I eat what I want, I still drink a lot of water. That's the fucking key. Water, sleep, rest, and I have a, you know, as funny as it is, I have a stress thing on my whoop.

Okay. And it tells you throughout the day when you have stress. Does it like alert you? Yeah. It has a high, medium, and low alert. And it's weird, when I feel something, I'll look and it's medium. Like today I was alone and my daughter goes,

I wanna go ride the bike. Listen, she could ride a great bike. I just don't like her riding around the neighborhood by herself. Two weeks ago she went to Starbucks on the fucking bike, which I wasn't mad at her. We all did the same stupid shit. But for some reason when she tells me

she's gonna ride the bike, my levels go up right away. I worry, she's gonna ride the bike. My levels go up right away. I worry, you know, she's gonna fall, she got shorts on, she's gonna scrape her knee. And then I go, fuck it, that's how I learned. I know, I was just talking. You gotta scrape your fucking knee, you know? And little things, like when people call me to go to New York City for something,

that puts my stress level high. Just the fact that they invite you? No, they'll just call and go Hey, you want to do a podcast and I'm like Not really, but I tell them this would be like the 18th time I go no But it's because why would I want to do a podcast right now? What is the sense of me doing a podcast, right? I have no no reason to do a fucking podcast. I come up. I'm happy that we get to do our podcast We get to chit chat eat some some food, and we go home.

That's it, I don't wanna drive into the city and start doing 15 podcasts a week for no reason. For no reason. I'm not promoting anything, I got nothing new to say. You know, nothing has happened, except I'm getting older. What the fuck has happened, you know? So for me to go on a podcast, hey, so how long did you do in prison?

I don't wanna hear these questions no more. I don't wanna hear these no more. No, I get it. It's interesting for me to watch you because something that I feel like I've been doing wrong and I'm trying to avoid it, but I feel like I've been a little bit too desperate with some of the comedy stuff that I'm doing.

And I know why I'm desperate. It's because I just wanna do spots. So I'm doing. And I know why I'm desperate, it's because I just want to do spots. So I'm taking things because I just say yes to every spot. You have to. Okay, I've been trying to go over in my head, like what am I doing wrong? But listen, again, for years I did every fucking spot I could. From 91 to 2003, I did spot. I did until one day

My girlfriend at the time sat me down and she goes. What are we doing here? What are we doing here? Right? You're losing money on every venture you do You're the only comedian that loses money on every venture. You were laughing at me last week. I figured out in my head that if I took a bus to local gigs, I saved $300, $200, and that's more money for me to snort coke and party and get fucked up. I figured all these things out. You have a budget.

They're paying you $ 600 for six shows. You got to get there. That's always, you know, back in this shit started about eight years ago. Before that, everything was $200, 240, 280. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Everything was 280, 249. Every once in a while you got a 311.

Oh, I don't know. But you know that, so right there you're getting 400 and 250 is out the window You're left with 350 Unless you fucking eat sardines out of a can with crackers and and live in a corner You know right with a heater or no heater or whatever the fuck you're gonna do Doing comedy is very fucking rough on the mind.

You're not making any money, your friends are the 30, have Lamborghinis or whatever the fuck they got, and you're still driving a little Toyota with a missing bumper. And you have a dream. You have a dream and you believe in yourself. So that belief has to take you all the way to the top. Like you got to believe

that the reason you don't do, listen man, the biggest thing about stand up or any other thing when you become a doctor, you go to fucking four years of college, three years of medical school, a year residency, another six months here, you're doing all this shit but when the smoke clears, you're making 400,000 a year. Right. You know, when the smoke clears, when those kids go out to become a doctor, they're fucking scared, that's hard.

That's harder than what we do, studying, and emergency room, and taking a pencil out of a kid's eye. You know, all this shit's scary, right? Right. But there's a payoff. So in your mind, there's so many things you could do. Like I remember one time towards the end, this was like one of the only arguments I've gotten with Ralphie Mack. There was a couple of weeks there that he would tell you something, he'll see you in an hour,

and it's six hours later. And one day I said something to him, I go, Ralfie, you gotta knock it out. And at that time, I had nothing going on compared to him. And I said, dog, when you tell me one o'clock, 1.30, that works, but this five hour late shit, that doesn't work. And I told him, I go, I got time, you know, my time is valuable. And he goes, not as valuable as mine.

I go, but if you're sitting on your fucking ass for four hours, then you got no time. Right. Your time is nothing. And you know, it was like a little argument. We made up, whatever, but he told me two weeks later, he goes, you were right. Time is important, so you're wasting your fucking time

and your sacrifice. That's why I said that to you a couple weeks ago. I love you to death. You ain't got time to go to movies on a Saturday night. I don't give a fuck if it's Mission Impossible. And that's the big thing with your situation, the relationship. Now you're in a relationship.

And now you gotta give her some and give yourself some. And maintain your fucking sanity. Because they're gonna come at you every night. You don't go out again, But there's a sporting event. I don't give a fuck because they don't understand that you don't give a fuck. Like I did not give a fuck about what was on TV. I did not give a fuck about your fucking family. I didn't give a fuck.

I gave a fuck about making something out of my life. Right. So I don't have time. I don't have that time. And that's what I did this weekend because I didn't. I don't have that time. And that's what I did this weekend, because I didn't. I don't have that time that you're looking for. Right. And people, you know, Thursday night I went out with some friends of mine,

and I bumped into this friend of mine. She was there with her boyfriend, and we were talking. And she goes, you know, when you got divorced, how long did it take you to get remarried? And I go, it took me nine years to get a girlfriend and another nine years to marry her. And she goes, why did you do that? And I go, because I didn't want to push my luggage on people. I had tons of luggage, A, and B, my principles were not going to be the same as yours.

You know, I had an affair with somebody, it came over, we'd just coke, we fucked. The next day they're gone. I got comedy to do. I don't give a fuck about what's on your mind or what's on your friend's mind. And there's people that can't handle it around you. It's very rough on the people around you. Like I fucking, one of the reasons I got into comedy

was not to go to weddings. Straight up, straight up, straight up. I don't have six hours to waste at a fucking wedding. I don't and I don't wanna go to a fucking wedding. And if you call me with a wedding, I'm gonna tell you it's not gonna work. And now I live like trickled because all these people are gonna get married and they're like,

well, are you gonna come? Not really. And they think I'm goofing. Like they think I'm joking around. Like I'm not joking. I'll send you 500, a thousand, whatever number you tell me, I'll send you. So I don't have to sit there for three hours and bang on the glass and all that dumb shit. I just don't like it. I sacrificed a lot. Now in my heart, I like weddings, but I had to convince myself. I didn't like weddings. I had to convince myself that I didn't like half the shit that people were doing, so I didn't involve myself in them.

I only had one thing to do, two things, three things. Snort coke, do comedy, and get my dicks sucked. That was on my list every morning. That was my list. Do stand up, snork Coke, get your dick sucked, try, whatever. That was on the agenda on the fucking road. I didn't give a fuck about your problems. I don't care about your fucking cat. It's just a fucking state of mind.

And that, yeah, it's hard. It's just a fucking state of mind. And that, yeah, it's hard. It's hard and it's hard to get out of, like for me, it's very hard to get out of my comfort zone. And I know, like on Saturday night, I didn't have anything booked and I went to two clubs. And there's nothing I hate more than hanging out. I feel like such an asshole. I feel like no one wants me there, not because I'm not funny,

but if I don't have, I'm just gonna sit around with my, just clap when people go on stage. Watching, watching. Yeah, that's what I did. You watch, you sit there, you get a beer and you watch. And you don't have to say a word, as long as somebody sees you. Walk in and walk out so you're not out of mind. You're never out of mind, you're always there.

And on Monday they all get a fucking text or whatever's in now with your avails. Monday at nine o'clock, I don't wake up till 11. Well, it's Monday in my world, you're waking up and I send you that fucking text. Or that email, that's how your mentality is, you know? This is your life, this is your career. You don't, I love people who have careers

and then they, well I'm going to Bimini for a week. Where'd that come from? What are you talking about? You just got this started. Yeah, but I planned this way before, then cancel it. People don't think like that. They don't wanna think like that. Then they'll cry to you later.

They don't have money, they don't know what's like that. Then they'll cry to you late. You later. They don't have money They don't know what's going on. Well, you went to Bimini Fucking Bimini now go jump up and down fucking Bimini. Do you ever think about like Because it might be weird for you. Like let's say you didn't you had you didn't have that coke problem Do you think you would have done more in comedy? Oh probably Do you think you would have done more in comedy? Oh, probably. Probably. But also, a lot of the Coke stories

turned into a lot of funny material. You know, because I turned them into funny material, but they weren't fucking funny. They weren't fucking funny, okay? These stories are not funny. Really? They're sad. But we know how to make them funny. They're sad.

You're telling people about stories about your addiction, this crazy shit that you did to get high, whether it was going in the toilet and scraping the sides and licking it, you know. It's tough, listen man, it's very tough to podcast and it's very tough to be vulnerable in front of people. You know, like for years, I didn't talk about doing Coke on stage.

And then one day I said, fuck it, why not? people. You know, like for years I didn't talk about doing coke on stage and no one there said fuck it, why not? And I started pulling in a different audience. Now I knew, you know what I'm saying, when I did that thing with my mouth, nobody did that before. Oh, yeah? Yeah, nobody did that before. Nobody. Nobody. I never seen anybody do that shit on stage. Not even Richard Bryant. So talk about drawing, you know, your jaw effect. It was just so many fucking things that I did not want to talk about. But to become a good comic,

you needed to talk about those things. You need to let people know you're like them. Why didn't you want to talk about them? I was embarrassed. Why wouldn't I? Who would want to tell these stories? You fingered somebody and she had a yeast infection Your hands smell like Newark for a month. You know who wants to hear this shit

Nobody wants to hear this shit, but it's what made you It's what made you who you are today Right. I'm out of my tits. Everybody knows that I'm fucking crazy. I'm fucking crazy I control it, but I'm out of my fucking It's funny that you know If you don't know you're crazy you got mental problems When you parade yourself and you're like, there's nothing wrong with me. What I do is absolutely normal. No, it's not No, it's not

No it's not. No it's not. So we already know it. Like no crazy person would have kidnapped somebody. No sane person would have got into comedy. What sane person gets into fucking comedy? We're all on the fucking mental edge struggle like more on a thin line. And after a while when you don't become successful, that shit starts to come out

and you start to see the mental health issues. And sometimes when you become successful, the mental health issues come out right in front of you. Can't control them. That's how it comes out like late in life. I would think you'd be crazy for life, but no, you think it comes out like 40s or 50s, some people just go nuts?

Listen, you always have something in you. There's always something in you. And you have things that you know, that you feel like this doesn't happen to anybody else, but it happens a lot more than what you think. You ever come in a minute when you're on a date, and you're like, nobody else does this, this chick's gonna go home depressed. Every guy she's with comes in a minute, maybe a minute and a're like, nobody else does this, this chick's gonna go home depressed.

Every guy she's with comes in a minute, maybe a minute and a half. She's got great pussy, she's got big titties, what do you think? They're like, you know, every once in a while she'll get lucky. She goes out with guys that are drunks, you know, they get dead dick when they drink, it's all.

So you think that you're the only person this is happening to, but it happens to other people. Until you bring it out, you're not gonna know. is happening to right but it happens to other people until you bring it out You don't need you're not gonna know Everything well that happens to you. Oh, we should do the same thing, too. You know, it's weird. I'm not like one thing I love about podcasts and I like about our relationship is like There's a lot that I won't Say in like normal life, but on a podcast or on stage

I'll say like or like even life, but on a podcast or on stage, I'll say like, or like even with you, like I feel comfortable. I don't think people talk about the shit that they feel like no one else goes through. No, they're scared. And we're scared as comics. We're scared to unveil ourselves. It's not when you unveil yourself that shit starts to move.

Shit starts to move. Okay, I can relate to that. This motherfucker does this, this motherfucker does that. I can relate to move. Shit starts to move. Okay, I can relate to that. This motherfucker does this, this motherfucker does that. I can relate to this. I understand what he's going through. It's, that's, cause right, honestly, like up until now, I've just been trying to be funny,

but that's kind of what my goal, like what I've been working on the last year. Funny is funny. It is, but, okay. Okay, always remember Funny is funny. It is, but okay. Okay, always remember funny is funny. If you could fucking harmonica a fart, if you could play a fart out of harmonica. That's pretty great.

People would laugh. Yeah. You know, club owners would go, that's not the comedy we wanna hear, blah, blah, blah, blah. You're paying me a fee to go out there and make them laugh. Doesn't matter how I make them laugh. If I take my shoe off and light my fungus toe on fire and it keeps turning off, my people laugh, that's funny.

That's fucking funny. And that's what we forget. Listen, there's some below the line shit you can't say that's kind of whatever, but funny is funny. And then once you get your mind there, like you and I have had discussions about comedy minds, and I've told you that I have a hard time writing because it's not something I do every night.

When you get on stage every night for like six months, oh my God, your fucking engines are, you're burning through that fucking feather. You know what I'm saying? You're burning through that feather. That chicken's out of blood because you're always queuing and turning and you know. But when you're not, it's very rough.

I figured out how to ride alone. It's not funny, but it's your stories. I mean, there's nothing funny about what's going on. To translate it to the audience, there is. There's a lot of shit that's going on that's funny. But we live in such a pussy fucking society today. I know. That you can't bend for any of them.

I don't give a fuck. I'll go up there and talk about my views. I don't give a fuck. I love it. I'm not gonna slip, because the biggest way you could kill yourself right now is going politics on stage. Mm-hmm.

That's the biggest way, because it 50 50 across the fucking moon and it gets worse and every day it gets better or worse They're either against them. They're with him. He did this he did that, you know, Michael. Call. He only did this Michael call he only did that but the fun thing was with the way you do any sort of political jokes, because I don't even know, but I don't even know what you believe about what you're saying. A lot of the things that you, I love when you call me about something

that went on in the news, and you say some wild shit. Wild shit. I'm just dying. Wild shit. I don't think, I never even really thought about it, but now that I'm thinking, I don't think like it's an actual like political belief that you have, you're just a comic, you're like,

what's the funniest thing I could say here? You know, it's, you just look at shit for what it is sometimes, like I don't even look at it, I don't know, I don't wanna even get into it right now, because it's hysterical. Where you get your comedy from, like listen, comedy definition is my world against the regular world, all right?

And that's comedy. And there's a lot of news, but that shit that I see on the news that I just want to dial after. I think the news is one of the funniest programs on TV, with hypocrisy and everything else. Like the other night I got home. Where was I?

No, Saturday night I didn't go out. I went home and I went to CVS and I went home and I ate at home. And all night I talked to George and all night it was, it was the bombing you know he had just bombed him right and it was hysterical because I put CNN on and they were kind of weird and then I put Fox on 26 right see it's like 25 and 26 on my cable box and they were just saying Donald J Trump I hate when they call him Donald Such a fucking faggy name. Just don't trump

Just call him Trump when they say Donald J. Trump Good history to me. I mean they were all on there just sucking the Trump dick and I was laughing my ass Because there's people that are burning right now You know like after the other side was furious that he dropped those bombs and they didn't really comprehend. Like it doesn't matter who you bomb anymore. Right. Doesn't fucking matter whether you bomb babies, whether you bomb fucking old ladies,

he bombed the fucking nuclear facility plant, wherever they make nukes. Right. Okay, and people are still, like you didn't have the right to do that. So you're living in a world that nobody's gonna be happy with what you do. That and I love on both sides, like the people watching Fox, a lot of them like saluting, they were pumped. Oh, you know, and then you got the people hating the Jews, you know. Oh, yeah. And it's so fucking crazy. You know, it's so funny that Jews are gonna start a lot of,

I'm giving you some inside info here. Are you allowed to say this? Yeah, in a couple weeks, maybe a couple months after this dies down, a bunch of people are gonna start getting snipered and killed. One by one. One of them is gonna be Roger Waters from Pink Floyd. Israel's gonna start taking people out individually.

One of the shots. They're just gonna start taking people out. They've had it. Netanyahu's had it. And you know, I mean the world, whatever. I don't wanna talk about this, because by the way, people say, oh, your Jew love is your Jew hate is.

I'm just telling you what I see. Netanyahu's on a fucking roll now. So anybody who's talking shit is gonna get fucking shot in the head. How do you think they're gonna do it? After the, they got. Poison, blow darts. they just blew people up with pages. You never fucking know.

You never fucking know. The CIA is still trying to blow Fidel Castro with a cigar. With a fucking cigar. And the Jews figured out how to kill people with a fucking pager. So I don't know how they're gonna do it, but you figure it's gonna get a lot worse before it gets better. We were going to New York for the Fourth of July. I don't know how they're gonna do it, but you figure it's gonna get a lot worse before it gets better

We were going to New York for the fourth of July. I don't think we're doing it now. No Who knows what's gonna happen? Who knows what idiots gonna be running out there jumping up and down in New York? You know, there's fireworks that day so you can't hear shit, right? Oh, yeah shit So there's a bombing that my bomb Lincoln tunnel who Like you said, New York is a haven for fucking Jews. There's a million Jews in New York and it's one stop shopping. They already have like cells that are getting together and what these people do, I watched on 60 minutes last night.

What these people do is they just gather information about structure, buildings, places to hit, holidays. Jews are doing this, or people against Jews? People against Jews, Iran has. Probably, like Intel, okay. Like I said, I don't like talking politics, I just repeat what I hear, because I'm a fucking idiot.

But I know as of this afternoon, they bombed. They tried to bomb American air force bases. Qatar, whatever. In Qatar, whatever. He said, everybody said if they retaliate, it's all over. They're gonna become a parking lot. Well I would love to hear from any soldiers. I don't know if you've seen, I've heard like a rumor that when they feed the army like steak and lobster, that means we're going to war and all people were posting like in the last two weeks where like the Army's getting steak and lobster. Like at the cafeteria.

That means it's about to go down. I don't know what's going down. I just know that you gotta get your helmets ready. Get that iodine ready. What's the iodine? To put in your ears like Russian people. They put iodine in their ears, cotton balls. Something when there's a nuclear, something bomb,

because one of the Russians told me. Would you really try to survive? Why? Would you try to survive? I don't know if I would, I don't know. It's just zap people. If I knew. Did you see the pictures of Iran?

I told you, it's just a turban, there's smoke coming out of it, a little cape on the bottom. They just zap people, people just disappear. And every fucking little hood's got a little bit of smoke coming out of it. You see it? It's like when they fucking,

like when they do like a genie, you know like when the genie would blink and the clothes would just fall? That's what it is. They just zap the body. They just zap it. They got a thousand turbines with a little smoke coming out of it right now

Just zap the body. There's maybe an eyeball on fire on the floor or a fingernail or a fungi toenail That's what I'm looking for. I don't want to struggle. I don't want to survive an atomic bomb going off Listen, who knows don't worry about it. I'm not worried about doing they come off So go right outside and wait for it. I'd love to be one of the ones who are zapped That's the best way to go. You're not scared. You just zapped. Are you retarded a little bit? But you don't think you go you can't do comedy. I don't want to get zapped After the atomic bomb

Show or something like that. Who knows? Exactly. How does that mean? It's gonna be like Road Warrior. You think I'm gonna do well in Road Warrior? You think I'm gonna do well in the Road Warrior? I'm gonna die or get assaulted immediately. That's really when I get monkey m- You keep putting that fucking air fan in your head. You're gonna get assaulted.

Oh, I'm so excited for both of them to come in. Oh, they're gonna beat you right on the spot. I can't wait. They're gonna actually beat you with that fucking fan. They're gonna take it off, beat you, take the wall off your pocket, kick you in the stomach, and take off. What, should I get one of the Chinese fans? Like, just go like that? Remember when Eric got us the gay ones in LA?

It was like Pride Month. The fans. Yeah, that's the one I should get. Well, you should get a gay fan. That'll also help you. That would've been the- At least you'll get your dick sucked too. You get a little gay fan.

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It was just 25 bucks to win 100 in the quarter, 150. I really liked them, but the way that kid went down last night was fucking sad. I heard he blew his Achilles or something. Yeah, and I was just telling my wife, I didn't know it was his Achilles. But I sat there last night, and I'm like, it's June fucking 22nd,

and these motherfuckers are still playing basketball. That's absurd. When did it used to end? When did it used to end? Like June 7th, May 31st. Oh wow. They're extending, and then today I saw a bunch of people going, two 20 year olds ripped their fucking Achilles tendon

and said the season is too long. And I believe that fucking October to June twilight, the other team stopped in fucking May, but two months of fucking playoffs, man. That's a lot. And then, you know, it's just a long fucking season. I read a book once that George gave me the one about the punch by Rudy Tom Johnovich when, when Kermit Washington punched him. And it was really weird.

After that, they never had, after that punch, they stopped, the NBA stopped doing certain things. Like there was no back to back road games. If you're on the road, you can only play one game a night, like every other night, you know, because they felt that the players were getting burnt out They did a lot of reform, but in this age of greed Yeah, that's all I think and that's you know, I was talking to my wife last night. I'm like we were talking about Was watching something?

And I go, you know I'm 62 and One thing you never hear from people, like when you go to school, you read a history book. You know, and it tells you about 1861, Kennedy, whatever, you know, the Germany thing. It tells you about all this shit. The Germany thing.

No, you know, the Auschwitz. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. And it tells you all this shit, but you know what's really weird? And you won't get it yet, but George will because he's my age We've seen so much change We've seen so much change that could have stayed the way it was and it wouldn't hurt nobody But we always try to improve and in the meantime you made it worse. Like automated phones at your doctor's office, automated phones and anything like that.

We want to talk to the people. Right away they send you on the computer. If you want to make an appointment go on the fucking computer. Then you get there and the appointment is wrong. You know, it's just so many things. You know, we were talking about the garden a few weeks ago. I went to do that show and it was my gut and there was nobody outside because somewhere in America, they decided no more scalping tickets.

The scalpers were out there having a great time. You'd have a great time with scalpers, busting their balls, trying to beat them, trading tickets. No. So they took away the scalper and now we get double charged. I'm fucking the computer, you know? We can't even negotiate, we don't even know who we're negotiating with. So many things got so, like I saw things change that,

why'd they change? They were great the way they were. Is there like a time period that if like the world could just stop right there, you'd be happy? Like 80s, 70s, 90s, I think the 90s were great the way they were. Is there like a time period that if like the world could just stop right there, you'd be happy? Like the 80s, 70s, 90s? I think the 90s were great. I think I would have stopped in 1990. Yep.

With grunge and everything. Look what music is. Now, the idea I went to was my daughter's softball game. They were playing a team for Virginia. I never heard more redneck music in all my life. But it's not rednecks. It's people faking an accent It's like they really fake the accent for country. Yeah got a guitar Knock it the fuck off. This ain't right country no more. It's it's just you know, listen to rap music. It's god-awful

It's a guy with a fucking thing Just a box. That's it. Yeah, you know Billy Eilish I listen to all my daughters in the car, but I saw a live taper. I wouldn't pay for that shit It's her with a fucking DJ. There's not a musical instrument out there. She's lip syncing to a degree. I Think I think people have figured out what you need to do to be popular. Oh No, I know that's what it is. I had this talk with Mercy about three months ago. We're living in a world now,

it's like she likes that chaperone. Okay. That chaperone is the ugliest fucking monster looking this thing I've ever seen in my life. And she's all bullshit. It's all bullshit. They know how to twist the strings. They act independent to be like cool, but they're really not because we all answer to

somebody. So knock the fucking shit off, especially if you've got a record company. You got to answer to that record company. She's out there. The record labels should put away money for starving artists. Better yet, since you're concerned about starving artists, go into your fucking kick. Go into your kick. They never do, do they?

Why would they? So then shut the fuck up. You know, now comedian girls, they gotta marry a guy that's autistic. That's the new thing. If they don't marry an autistic retard, they can't fuck, and then they sell it. Like, oh yeah, my husband's autistic.

You know, are you fucking retarded? Why would you marry him? Your child's gonna be fucking autistic. He's not gonna know how to put a square in a circle or a circle in a square, whatever the fuck that is. Everyone's autistic now. Yeah, everybody's got a fucking thing now. And then they have the fake charities.

I like those people, the fake people. Yeah, I'm really concerned about it. No, you're not. No, you're fucking not. No, you're not. You just say this shit. You know, it's like all these movie stars. They all talk shit.

Well, go into your pocket. Where's your fucking suffering? Where is it? No, you just there fucking pointing people at other things that you don't even really believe. That's a problem with those Hollywood actors today. Do you think Charles Bronson would have raised his hand and said, I support the LGBTQ community?

Or Clint Eastwood or one of those motherfuckers? No, because they hated those things. That wasn't in their repertoire. Charles Bronson, do you believe in LGBTQ? Yeah, oh yeah. I believe in a man with a wig, I knock him out. That's what I believe. But now movie stars are going, I support LGBTQ just to be cool just so people go. Oh my god. He really cares

Well, did you see? Even like like I don't even know honestly really know who she is Sydney Sweeney. She's like a hot actor. Yeah, she's selling her bathwater. Yeah Like what should buy it and drink it? I don't fucking know There's people that do that. Listen. Yeah. We got so many sick fucking people today. Look at this, look at all these female celebrity movie stars and musicians.

They all got a fucking stalker. Oh yeah. Fucking that poor girl, the football player's girlfriend, with the skinny legs and no ass, what's her name? Taylor Swift? Taylor Swift. That, she had a fucking guy that was moving into skinny legs and no ass. What's her name Taylor Swift Taylor Swift that? She had a fucking guy that was moving into a house or some shit, you know all these fucking broads You know what what part in your mind? Let you think that they're talking to you. Oh

The that was for like the stars the stalkers. They're just insane They think saying how many there was a comedian at the store that had a stalker. She couldn't put on the lineup that she was going to the store. They had to put her name. I would go to the store and I'd go, who the fuck is this broad? And then it was somebody else. And I'd go, oh, okay.

Yeah, they got stalkers. What part in your mind do you think that person is going to fall in love with you by you showing up at their house with fucking chocolates or candy? They're rich. if they want chocolate, they'll go buy it themselves. They don't need you to buy fucking chocolate. And then there's people now like scamming you. Like there's this one one,

I keep seeing stories of like this older lady, someone took a Matt Rife's picture and has been like texting or being like, hey, I'm Matt Rife, I need some money. We'll get married, come to my show. And this like 60 something year old lady believed it and like gave him money. Well, some lady just gave somebody Brad Pitt.

Remember Brad Pitt called her up and borrowed money from her? She gave him 800,000 and got divorced, her husband fucking dumped her. What makes you fucking think Brad Pitt is gonna call you for a fucking envelope? Listen, there's some scams out there now that if you get caught, you should just get put in jail. You should just get caught.

So if you get scammed? Yeah, you gotta go to jail. You cannot be this stupid. I don't want you in society. You're gonna spread your stupidity to people by fucking, you know, guys, the biggest thing I want from my daughter is not to be a sucker. And that's why I talk to her about chaperone

and whenever fake people come on TV, I'll show them. I'll point them and go, look at this guy. This Pablo fucking dude, this dude from Last of Us. That was great on, he was great on Narcos. Then he became a half a fag. He became a half a fag, he put glasses on. Once they put the glasses on, you lost them. Once they put the intelligent glasses,

like I read a book at night, you lost them. You hate glasses. I don't hate glasses for people who need glasses. I need glasses at night. I can't see the fucking TV guy on my fucking TV no more. I need glasses and I won't fucking put them on because it's such a stigma in my fucking, I started putting on sunglasses.

Okay. Again, they're two dollar sunglasses, got them from the wheat store. I'm not gonna pay 800 for a Ray-Ban. Look at me with a Ray-Ban. Then you lose those fucking things like me. I know. So you buy two dollar glasses and you put them on,

but I'm not gonna go to the store and buy Look at me intelligent glasses to put them on at night to look like fucking dr. Doolittle. That's never gonna fucking happen in my world What do you I'd love to hear Tom Segura all those motherfucker with their glasses date Once you put glasses on you lose yourself You lost who you were you didn't't even, you just wanted to go for the intelligent look, like I need them. No, you don't need them. There's a thousand pair of glasses you could get.

You ever see a Japanese guy with stupid fucking glasses on? No, they wear the coolest motherfucking yakuza, thin shades and shit. But you gotta be fucking Johnny. What they do is they get the weirdest looking glasses to put it on so they stand up.

Right. Like God forbid there's one guy that's got like the colored ones, the big frames, like the bag that he is. You know, that's just. So how, like, what would your sentence be? Like if you saw someone wearing those glasses, how long do they have to go to the stupid jail for? Depends on what they're wearing for.

What if they don't even have the lenses, it's just glass, just like it's a fashion statement? Yeah, they need to get put under the jail and beat up. That's what half these people need. They need to go to prison or county jail, and for some guy to walk up to them and go, what's up with those glasses? And for them just to get smacked, and the glasses fall off and the one lens breaks,

and you're holding onto your eye. You'll never put those glasses on again. No. Because finally somebody had, but in LA you put those glasses on and people are like, oh, we love your glasses. Oh yeah, I got them on sale. No, you didn't.

You paid 800 for them, you fucking sucker. I love when they have like, you can tell they have 40 pairs, like they match the glasses with the shoes, with the shirt. That's my favorite I think I broke it, you know, man, I'm happy trumps in office Because I know we had a weak president and I was a country it would take me a week to get through these fucking assholes It would take me a week to get through all these assholes we got walking around.

Between the tattooed bald headed guys on steroids, I think they're fucking, you know, to the faggies with the tight fucking pants and to the other sets of faggies with the blue suits and the brown shoes, like brown and blue ever fucking matched before. You know, there's just so many people that live for an identity.

I took the bus. Everybody that live for an identity. I took the bus. Everybody's dying for an identity. You could go anywhere now on a Friday and Saturday, what do they got at a restaurant? A board for you to take pictures. Oh yeah. For you to take like you're at a VIP dance. So you could actually take them and like,

look at me, we're on the walkway. What do they call that? Red carpet? The red carpet or whatever, the red carpet or whatever the blue carpet or whatever the fuck you know everybody wants to be a celebrity and it's fucking because I'm a half a pseudo fucking felon celebrity and I fucking hate it I fucking hate it dude there's places in New York that are just open for you to go take selfies in and you can pay it for by the like by the picture I know it's in the the Lower East Side. There's a couple places that if you walk by, I do mics and shows down there. It's like it's just like they have like little sets and props

you can use and it's like there's lines out the door. Because that's the new world. People want to take selfies in front of God forbid they can't take a selfie in front of the theater. They just hold up On Sunday mornings look at Instagram Right with the flashlights behind the lights We know Right. We know already showing show you show me you saving a cat giving it mouth-to-mouth on the street I love you more. What are they saying?

Sports act like you've been there before or something? Yeah. And yeah, it is social media. But I could put on so many skull caps and get so many tattoos on my neck and get black nail polish and smoke and do videos all day long. And people are buying the image.

Oh man, he looks cool. Yeah, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, let's go see him. He's got a tattoo of a dragon on his neck. They don't even care about your material. No. So yeah, social media, the image, the image thing, people buy into image now.

They don't buy into character. They don't look at that person, they go, look at that person trying just a little bit too hard. I'm gonna stay away from that motherfucker. There's something that's not right. He's trying just a little too hard. It's really-

I have no clothes. Do you know that? What do you mean? I'm not ashamed to say that. I have no clothes. I have three pair of Levi, black, blue jeans. I have three pair Levi, black blue jeans. I got a pair of black ones and I got a pair of Levi carpenter beige pants. Okay? I have on a red t-shirts. Some people give them to me, some I buy. like to be cool.

Like jeans with a rip in the knee. I'm too old for that. You're just too fucking old for that. You just look like a fucking idiot. I just saw a video of Jay-Z. He's worth what, 200 billion fucking dollars. Still has the fucking Timbaland boots with the jeans with a hood on. Nobody's cold, you're in France, everybody's out there with a t-shirt on.

You got a black hood on. I mean just, there's so many things that people get impressed by. And it's fucking pathetic. Who's the best basketball player on the team, George? The guy without the knee braces on and the elbow braces. Give me the guy with the knee braces on and the leg warmers and the black. This one is black and this one is red. And he's got, he sucks. And then he goes into the bench.

He sucks. He's portalita. That's what Cubans call portalita. What's that mean? That means like everything to get attention, but what he needs to be doing to get attention, he ain't doing. He's hiding it with all this smoke.

That's why I always say, who are you once all this gets taken out? Okay, like when I tell people all the time, when I look in the mirror at night, there's no standups, there's no people doing standing ovations or blowing smoke in my head. It's just me with my ugly face in that mirror going, damn,

you got to do something. You got to do something, okay? And in none of those things have I said, well, maybe I'll dye my hair jet black and put a white streak like Tulsi Gabbard or maybe I'll put a fucking tattoo on my neck and get the goatee and gray it up and put a little chef hat on so I look kind of cool. Like, look at Joey with a hat on. I don't need that. No. I never thought I needed that. One thing I grabbed from Hudson County when I was growing up was,

look at the kids I grew up with. I'll bring you 15 of the kids I grew up with, including George. George is probably one of the only ones with a tattoo. Right. Yeah, that was not big for you guys. We didn't need anything for attention. You know, an earring, a fucking,

all that shit was not necessary in my world. It was not necessary. Whenever I see somebody- We showed up with dick and heart. And that's it.. We showed up with dick and heart. And that's it. When you show up with dick and heart, you don't need all those fake accessories. Right. They're just to get attention from little fags and,

you know, oh my God, I love your shirt, oh so cool. You know, it's like when you wear that fucking nicky shirt on. What shirt? That wicky shirt on. Oh, the buggies? Yeah, and people come up and go, that's cool. You're like know like how old are you if you're 12 and you tell me I have a spider-man shirt on you Tell me it's cool, but now adults are saying that I like that. It's a cool

It's a fucking Minnie Mouse And you're too much of an adult Yeah, dad was wrestling with a kid at jujitsu and I looked at his foot. He had a Mickey Mouse on his foot I stopped him. I go you're a fucking cop How do you have Mickey Mouse on your fucking foot tattooed on your foot? If you're a cop and you're arresting me with sandals on I'm fucking punching in the head You got a fucking Mickey Mouse tattoo on your fucking foot. What tattoos are allowed none none Not even like shop with big dick and heart and character

and a set of balls that sling dick, the only tattoo that you should have is one on your chest that says, suck my dick. That's it. That's the only tattoo that's acceptable in my world. Have you told Mercy that? Like no tattoos? No, she's not gonna get one.

You don't think so? She would, and then I told her, you can't be buried in the Jewish eminent I told her she cursed that she can't get into college and she believed me so She still believes you. Yeah. Oh, that's fantastic. That's That's awesome. What else do you have? I would I love the lies parents tell their kids Like do you have anything else? That's fantastic. Yesterday we talked about me smoking pot. Really?

Yeah, she goes, I knew before you told me, dad, in the old house you would open the door and smoke would be coming out of your lips. And you thought you were hiding it the whole time? We were driving back from Mount Holly and I said, ooh, that's the wheat store I was supposed to go to. I missed it today. She's like, only my dad would tell me what wheat store he goes to. I go, yeah I was going to buy

wheat for somebody else, not for me. She's like, dad. I'm like, what the fuck you thought about honesty and how? I go, you never seen me smoke. You assumed I smoked. Dad, I smell it. And maybe it's Frank Puma who busts in and smoke pot in the fucking garage. I gotta talk to him. Right. You know, but you gotta like, you know, I'm like, she's got a black boyfriend. Oh, they're actually going out?

Oh shit. He tried to break it to me the other night. I had a, listen, I have a chair downstairs, you know? And the couch, you know, but over here I have a footstool that I don't use as a footstool. I just use it as the remote holders and maybe to hold like a toenail cutter and my remotes and a water or something. When she sits on that thing, it's going to get good.

Oh yeah? Yeah, it's going to get good. So the other night she sat there and first she was telling me that one of her girlfriends is very racist That's how we got into the conversation and I go she races towards black people. She goes dad everybody She said stuff about Arabs and stuff all the time and Jews. I go well, and she goes I'm friends with all them I'm friends with I'm tight with Jews. I'm tight with Arabs and I'm tight with fucking black kid And I go really, you know black kids. She goes, yeah, you know Aubrey this he tried telling me I go there's a lot of African Americans in your school and she goes Devon and I go you really like Devon

She goes well, I've been talking to him lately And she goes he got catfished no bridge by some girl and he came back running to me She goes I was supposed to call him two nights in a row and I never called him She goes I had him fucking waiting. Oh Jesus Christ. I'm like that's it sweat him out, baby He's black make him walk through the fucking field. You know I'm saying Make him walk to that cotton field Oh my god today when I was leaving she came down to give me a kiss and she was dad I gotta go upstairs. I'm talking to Devin Devin was on the phone

Okay, and I go send Devin my love and she goes he loves you, too Holy that is gonna be What do you think about her starting the date What let fucking 12? Okay. He won't even come over to the house She asked me today. She got go to a county mammoth fair with him, they only all had a date to the county fair. Oh shit. Yeah.

We have to go and watch. No. No, what if me with a little fan on, I'll hide. You don't wanna watch at all? No, she'll kill you if she sees you look. Oh, I know. She'll kill you. Listen man, then the neighbor said to me, you know, she likes that black kid. I'm like first off. He's mixed

He's Irish and black. Let's not just call the fucking guy, you know Denzel He's he's black and Irish his dad's cool. The mom is really dynamite good-looking The kids and what do you want me to tell them? You can't date a black guy? What do you want me to tell her? She's a 12. So you want me to let my asshole beliefs interfere with her beliefs? I can't do that either. I didn't think you had any issue with him being black, but just a dude dating your daughter,

I know they're 12. They're not dating. They're talking on the phone. If they meet at the mall, my wife goes. Okay. Like last week, a bunch of little boys and little girls went. Friday, they went to Point Pleasant to Jenkinson's. My wife went and a bunch of moms and his mom was there.

Wow. They're fucking 12. You're so much calmer. I'm nervous. I want to go spy on them. What do you want me to do I know the kid a little bit now Come see me again when she's 16

Okay, okay, and then I'll tell you the other side of that okay, but for right now. I can't get in her way She's just a young kid She's just getting to learn all this shit, and you know It's interest listen. this is the best thing I've ever done in my life. Being a dad? Yeah, I'm having the best time. Listen, you told me that I've lightened up a lot lately.

It's two reasons. I'm enjoying my life for the first time in a long time and I went back to Jiu Jitsu. That always keeps my power to try. Soon as I go back to Jiu Jitsu, my whole demeanor changes because it's such a challenge for me. But if I go twice or three times a week, I'm like, thank God. Why? Because it's such a challenge. And especially at my age, especially getting into shape and all that. And I like it. I just like the guys there. I like talking to the people there. You know, I talk to a lot of people from there.

In fact, I went out to dinner with two guys from there last week and I had a fucking great time. They'd been inviting me to dinner for two fucking years. And I'm always like, nah, and last night, that night I went out to see Mercy School. They had an end of the year little party for the parents, they're fucking lemonade with no sugar in it and all that shit.

We got out there about 8 30 and they kept calling me and I said I'm over here but if I get a minute and when I left it was Thursday night, it was raining. I was gonna come up to North Bergen and do a Pedro show but it was just coming down I had to do that school thing and then I went over to this restaurant, Mezcal in Old Bridge. Nice. It was fucking great to drink. I didn't drink. I didn't drink alcohol. I just ate the shrimp cocktail and the angry lobster,

like an appetizer. But like what, how was that different than like other nights that you've gone out? Like what was it about it that like you liked so much? Was it just the people? I just got out. Sometimes it's great. I just got out. Sometimes it's great.

Listen, man, let's get something straight. I was involved with comedy for 29 fucking years. I don't have to tell you that comedy dominates 80% of my conversation. When I was doing Coke, it was 70%. Once I stopped doing Coke, it was 80% of conversation. Right. When I was doing coke, it was 70%. Once I stopped doing coke, it was 80% of the conversation. Now it's like 40%. Wow. I have things that I have needs now that regular people have, that now I'm not

doing comedy, I have regular needs now. But it's kind of nice to go out with people every once in a while that stand up doesn't get brought up for two hours. Nobody gives a fuck. And they don't ask you about like Rogan or weird stuff like that? No. That's awesome.

Listen, I don't put myself in those positions. A lot of people must think I'm weird, you know? And I am. Because when I go to George's house to watch Indiana against the Knicks, or I come to your house to watch a Bruce Lee movie, I don't want people bugging me. No.

And you know when somebody sits close to you, they wanna ask you something, that wears on you. That wears on you. As a human being, you're trying to watch something, there's a guy over here, and... on you. As a human being, you're trying to watch something. There's a guy over here. I saw something the other night that I wanted to stop the young comic, but I didn't know what to do. So I was just quiet. I was at a show and this young comic wrote a note on his phone and showed it to another comic who was on the show. But the other comic on the

show was big and said, I have a question about Patrice O'Neil. Just like in the middle of the show. And the older comic was super nice. I was like, do you wanna go over here and ask? And he was nice about it. But I just imagined like me doing that to you. Like there's no way that would like, that's gonna, no one's gonna wanna talk to you after that.

It was, it's so strange to see people do stuff like that. People do the weirdest things now and you don't know where they're coming from. You just don't, you just fucking don't. I was having a great time going to that strip club by my house. I wouldn't go every night, I wouldn't go every week. I would go once every month.

The last time I went I said I can't come up here no more. Oh, people found out you were going? It was insane. And I'm looking at these guys going, guys, there's pussy right there. They would come up to me like, so do you go to Texas a lot to see Joe? And I'm like, guys, not tonight.

Another guy came up to me, hey man, I met you last 420. Okay, so now what do you want me to fucking do? Just the fact that he said 420, that means I already know you don't like him. Yeah, it wasn't this year, so it had to be last year or the year before. So what do you want me to do with a 1030

at night at a strip club? I'm watching this girl dance, they're not even nude, they got like their tits out. The reason I go to this strip club is the bart club. I'm watching this girl dance. They're not even new. They got like that. The reason I go to the strip club is the bout the bartender. That's the only reason why I love her to death. I know her boyfriend. I love her to death. So when I go there, since I know her boyfriend, she talks to me. She knows. So I have a great time with her.

Once it starts getting I just leave. Sometimes I got a lot of dance, most of the times I don't. Yeah, you're just there to have fun. I'm just there to get the fuck out of the house and to kill some fucking time. But I went there the first two times and nobody said nothing to you. Even the black guy next to me, we were talking at the end of the night, he goes, I know you are, okay. And that was great because he didn't bring it up the whole night But when you're in one of those places guys, I say hello from a distance

Don't even come over. I'm looking at pussy. I'm talking to this fucking girl. And this is Nothing burns me up more than rule number one. What's that? If you see a man talking to a woman? I don't know what's going on. So I'm not gonna go over there and say shit That's an important rule. I don't say shit. I don't care if I grew up with you If I don't know who you're with I'm not gonna go up to you and say nothing Nothing because anything I say is gonna be wrong Fucking sense You're with a woman. You're talking to a woman

Nothing I say could be more important to George. What if it's like, because I had someone do this. One time in LA after one of your shows, I had some guy who liked the show come up to me, like, try to like hype me up to the girl I was talking to. Like, this guy's awesome. And it was like, it was weird. Like even something positive is like kind of creepy.

So shut the fuck up, this is my sister. Then they turned red and purple. Oh, I shouldn't have said, no, you shouldn't have said nothing. You shouldn't have said nothing. Even something positive is like kind of creepy. So shut the fuck up. This is my sister. Then they turned red and purple. I shouldn't have said, no, you shouldn't have said nothing. You shouldn't have said nothing. A wink is as good as a nod to a blind horse. That's it. You go like this or go like that with your glass. I get it. Right.

But there's no reason for you to come over here. Go talk to the fucking girls. I'm a fat 62 year old guy. They're not near for you. I'm not giving 62 year old guy. They're not me for you I'm not giving out hand jobs. Not like that. Why are you talking to me? It is You do not you I cannot comprehend after shit. No You it's hard to comprehend and you sit there and go Wow Right. I'll be on the restaurant with my daughter and my wife eat and some lady sat at the table. And she goes, I see you here a lot.

I never want to bother you. Today is not the day. Today is not the fucking day. Never. Can you call my friend? Not really. Not right now. You have to wait till I get out of here and I'll fucking, I'll eat one piece an hour until

you leave. I will, I'll tell you, yeah, on on the way out I'll take a picture of you. Not even a million fucking years. I'll take one bite a minute, put the fork down, look around, make a call, till you sweat me out. I'm not doing it. I'm not in the mood. No.

And you would never do that to someone else? No. If I walked into a fucking bar, a strip club, anywhere, and I saw you, George, Nick, any of my friends talking to a woman, if you look at me, I'll wink and keep walking. That's it, there's nothing to say. Now let me ask you this, what if Eric was talking to a dude?

Does that same thing? No, I wouldn't go over to him either. I don't know the dude or how he's gonna fuck him. I don't wanna go up to Eric. I'm 62, the guy's how he's gonna fuck him. I don't know what the fuck to have it. I'm 62, the guy's gonna go, why you talking to an old man for? You fuck old man? I don't take that shit.

I'm the same way about everybody. You talking to a woman, there's nothing for me like that. If you wanna come over, that's your prerogative. But I'm never gonna go over to you and interrupt you. Hi, I just wanna say hi. Don't say anything. Wait, my life's gonna change? Could you say fucking hi? I don't give a fuck. It's like if I knock on your door and go you, hi, I just wanna say hi. Don't say anything. Wait, my life's gonna change? Can you say fucking hi?

I don't give a fuck. It's like if I knock on your door and go hi, I came over to say hi, who cares? Go fucking milk a cow somewhere, you fuck. Are there any exceptions? Like what if you walked in and you saw me, like even if it was me, or like if I saw you? If I saw you talking to your girlfriend,

absolutely I'd come over and give you a kiss. Got it, okay. But a foreign woman that you can talk with a bar I'm assuming you're telling her your life story, right? If not, I'm wrong if you come over late and go why didn't you come over because you were talking to a woman? She's my attorney. Okay, my bad, right? Well, he's having come over here. What's going on here? You know the people that come up to a George you want to do a line of coke Are you fucking retarded right here in front of everybody and you get those people? You're gonna get those that had no proof that nobody raised them their mother didn't talk to them

It's like they they lived on the barn and they came in for breakfast and showers or something like that And it's not your fault to fucking I'm not your fault to fucking... I'm not doing it. No. I'm not doing it. And that seems like something someone... I'm obsessed with your social jail that you want to put people in. I want to come up with a list of things that would send people to jail. What about... Because I was on the Greyhound, you were talking about earlier, I was on the Greyhound and people tried to sit next to me and talk.

I pulled your trick, I looked real fat and I put my stuff on the seat next to me. I didn't want anyone to talk. Oh, you paid for two seats you said. On the first one, on the way back I didn't. On the way back it was expensive. But people, they want to chat, I don't want to talk to anybody. That's why you put earphones on.

But even then. You don't know nothing. I don't know nothing. I'm talking on the phone to Europe. Meanwhile you're listening to the cars, you know. Right. Europe. I go to a gym, there's two retards there.

And they torture you. Me and Jimmy had to stop going to gym when they're there Monday Wednesday and Fridays They're nice people, but it doesn't end guys, right? It's retard talk for an hour Yeah, who I went to see the movies this week that 30 years old for the kids got white hair And they go to movies every week and we go see the T lo, T-Lo and Ty-Lo, what they go see this week? Lilo and Stitch? Lilo and Stitch, it was great, oh my god, she had a good time, you know, I can't. So when I go there now, I put the earphones on. I don't know nothing.

That's the retarded couple that the lady was sitting next to me on the bike one day and there was another retard, not her husband, but there was another guy that's next to me on the bike one day, and there was another retard, not her husband, but there was another guy that's half retarded on the treadmill. He puts the treadmill like the 14, he runs on it, and he listens to music and he sings along. So one day he was running and he's like, ah, and he was like, miss you, you know,

like he's singing, I've been what, miss you. And every time he'd say that, she'd be on the bike looking around. And all of a sudden she'd go, ma! And he would say like, without even saying nothing, he would just go, yeah, yeah! And she would go, ah, ah! And they started a conversation, like 20 minutes.

I watched it, and the guy didn't know. He had earphones on. Oh, she really does. He's singing, and she's going, making bird noises to him like beep beep and she goes this is fun. I go you gotta go lady. You gotta go. She's got the little hoof hand. It's the cutest thing in the world him and her. So I just wear the earphones. I don't let them talk to me no more. I'm a Christian, but enough. Enough, enough. There's one day, even Jesus said, fuck this.

One day Jesus got out of the cave and he's like, you know what, I could stay here and keep doing this shit, they ain't gonna change. These motherfuckers are never gonna change. They're gonna kill me again and again and again. And I gotta go through this shit every week. Fuck it. I'm going up to heaven. And don't think I'm coming back.

They've been waiting 8,000 years for Jesus to come back. He ain't coming. Why would he? Fuck, especially now with all these fucking cagooches running around. I love you motherfuckers. This week we got Thursday, the Dojo sold out. And Friday, tell them Lee. And Jay Pack, New out. And Friday, tell them, Lee.

And J-Pac, Newark. Newark, like a motherfucker. And you got a Saturday show. Saturday I got two shows, one at the standard six, 8 p.m. Fear City Comedy Club. There you go, motherfuckers, a full lineup. If you go to The Dojo, I'll see you Thursday night. If you go to Newark, I'll let you know right now

it's gonna be a fucking great Friday night. It's gonna rain, bring your scuba gear, I'm doing time until I get electrocuted. I don't give a fuck, Jack. How about you, Leely? Oh, dude, you keep telling me that there's special edibles for Newark. Oh yeah, we got special edibles.

You told me to get a hotel room and it's like 30 minutes away. I got toenail dust, I got one of those fucking drills that go under like that bomb, the bunker bomb. It goes under the nail now and it scrapes it out. And I tick my nail over and a bunch of powder comes out now. It's perfect. I don't have to do nothing.

So now I just drill the nail. And then my wife holds the baggie and I just turn my toe over and the dust falls. I'm gonna shake them up with the edibles. It's gonna be fun. It has glitter on it. We got some new mushrooms coming in. They It has glitter on it. We got some new mushrooms coming in they should be in on Thursday. We're ready to go it's gonna be

a hell of a night don't drive don't do nothing George is gonna drive you anyway. Perfect. That's it George is gonna drive you and drop you right off there's a hotel right across the street. From where? From NJ Pack. Okay. Do I have a room or it's just there? It's just there. There. Go in and ask for a room. You go in there and stay in the bathroom. You do what you want. It's like the hotel by your house. The first time I went to your house,

Steve Simon brought pizza. You got me so high I went back and I offered the front desk lady the pizza and I couldn't go back there. That lady at your hotel hated me. So now I'm gonna go into this hotel in Newark. Fucked up out of my head. Room for Lee and there's not going to be any rooms. Who gives a fuck? It's all about a good time. Cock suckers. I love you.

Have a great week and we'll see you next Tuesday. Tip top motherfucking Magoo. Stay black. Tell them Lee. Love you. What's happening? Uncle Joey here. Listen, your gut is the cornerstone of your health. It affects your hormone levels, energy, and weight management. So if you've been having issues,

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