Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - It's getting too deep in here

Episode Date: March 10, 2026

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk about their amazing black jack night in Tampa, why 50 year old and up divorcee's are so freaky, the skin tag lady and much more! SHOW NOTES If you're 21 or older, get 35% OFF your first order @ IndaCloud with code CHURCH at ⁠https://inda.shop/CHURCH⁠ #indacloudpod Get 25% off your first order of MASA Chips with code JOEY @ ⁠http://MASACHIPS.com/JOEY⁠

Kick this motherfucker, Neil Lee. What's happened, beautiful people? It's the church of what's happening now. New Testament. It's Tuesday, March the 10th. We're ready to rock and roll here, you savages. What up, Lee, Syed. Dude, we had a fun weekend.

We had a very fun weekend. I want to give thanks to Tampa, and the people of Tampa and the surrounding areas for showing up at the Hard Rock. It was a great energy. It was a great night. Comedy was great. I was very nervous.

I was going to eat a box of dick, but I turned it around and everything worked out. No, the show was great. Lee did great. Steve Simone did great. But the night before was fucking... And you know, listen, I told you guys how I felt. I told George a while ago.

In 2015 to 2020, I admired doing this. And I was having a good time. But not really, because I was treating it like a business. No fucking around, no nothing. We go. we kill him and we leave. And that's great. That's a great attitude to have.

I could go, let's go up there, do the best we can. No, we're going to fucking kill him and come back. But I was missing out. I was sitting in my room one day. By the time you get to the show, you haven't spoken to anybody all fucking day. You're in your room. Right. And HBO, rolling joints, walking around the neighborhood, smoking joints.

And I talked to Ari and I told them, if I do this again, it's going to be on one condition. I'm just going to have fun. No more beat myself up the night before, no more 20 Xanax's to go up before. Because it was a business. Right. You know, I take that seriously.

You fucking paid for a babysitter, restaurant parking. You came all the way down here to see me, and I'm going to bomb. It's not going to happen. I'm not cut that way. It just doesn't happen. I'm at least going to swing for the fucking fences. You have bad shows.

But no, that's the product we're selling. But guess what? You're even funnier when you laugh all day. Right. Okay, when you laugh all day, you're funnier than debt. You know, you're not thinking about the stupid fucking show that's holding you down in the room. And the four walls are starting to close in on you. Are you going to have a good set?

Try this joke. You did this joke 18 months ago when you were here. You know, that's it. So now I'm going out. I don't give a fuck. Staten Island, Atlanta. We didn't give a fuck, Jack. You're gambling now.

We used to go to casinos. And you'd play the video poker for like six minutes. That's it. Business. 20 bucks. I got to give back to the casino. 20 bucks. That's not fair.

They pay me a lot of money. Why would I only give 20 bucks? Let's go. Get all you motherfuckers to the table. And we had the best black check. This is how Jewish I am. I haven't, I don't,

this is not leaving my wallet. I have nothing but hundreds in this fucking wallet. Now is the time to mug them. You know what I'm saying? Look it. If you hit them in a head tonight. Coming out of the stand at 1030s. We took edible.

And Lee has never showed money. No. Because I never win. That fucking, look at those 20s in there. There's no 20s. They got fucking cobwebs. Nothing but hundreds and two ones. That's it.

You've had those two ones in there since you got a paper out. Oh, my God. That was a tip from Mrs. Mangalati. It was my lunch money. Fuck. Oh, my God. But that was, I've never. Blackjack to me is one of the most fun things you can do

when it's like a night like Wednesday night Okay again It's not fun when I threw you to the walls in Vegas And they sucked you in for 200 in a row You know why? I wasn't at the table where you weren't having fun Yeah I'm gonna be honest with it I hate losing

That's the worst I work too much too hard I got a daughter That night if I lost 200 I wouldn't have blinked tonight. It was a good time. Sometimes you got to lose one at the remind you that you're a fucking loser. You know, sometimes you got to do that

sometimes. Think that you go to blackjack. If that lady wouldn't have coached us, we wouldn't want to dime. Dude, the dealer's all of it. That's why you have to, you have to tip the dealer. And when the dealer is giving you shit, that's when it's going to be a good night. You have to find a cool dealer. To be honest

with you, I wouldn't have gone to her because I'm a little bit racist. I want, I want like a black guy. or a black lady are my favorite because they're fun, they have a good time, but this lady was really cool. She was cool. She'd tell you what to do.

It's like the first time I remember, you weren't nervous, but like you were unsure of what really to do. Yeah, I was unsure. I had no fucking idea. And oh, we just kept winning and winning. And that was because some kid came up to me with a $100 chip. I miss that. That's how the whole

thing started. I wasn't gambling whatsoever. He begged me. He goes, I got a $100 Chip, I like the better for you. I go, alright, let's go to, I was like, let's go to a $50. He was, no, no, no, let's go to $100. Yeah. And we won. Oh, shit.

Yeah, we shouldn't have got it up from the $100 table. Then we won again or something. We won like three or four hands in a row. And then when we got up, I was like, oh. Fucking $1. A dollar table. I had never done that before in my life. Oh, it's amazing.

In my life, that is, that is scary and painful that they're just going to take a whole hundred dollars from you. You're like, fuck. Oh, you feel. And they usually may give you something that you're supposed to double. So then you've got to put another hundred down. And that's how I won. Yeah.

That's how I won. I doubled on, you guys like split the aces. Oh, yeah. And then we were off and run. I gave the kid back as 100. Let's go to a fucking $50 table. And then it's 25. And we ran that bitch up.

I was out till four in the morning. I left them at three. Yeah? I just walked around. And I fucking, the blackjack table right by the whole top, right by the entry to us. Elevated. Yeah.

Her girlfriend was there. The old lady that was following us around on that. It was a security guard that you got really pissed at. You were not. And it wasn't even her, but like she had the job of telling people they were doing construction. And he were doing the thing. I did it yesterday at Dwayne Reed. But it was when you're walking away and you're still talking shit.

Oh, fuck. But then like 20 minutes later, you're starting to give her a hug. I'm like, how's your knee? I go, not too fucking good. She made me walk back, but she was so sweet. So I went older that night on the way up, and I'm like, what are you doing here? You're going to wait for me at 6.30?

Just come up to the room. I was torturing her. She's like 68. And she's like, okay. 6.30. It was fucking great. But when I'm laying there, I go, look at this monster at the table.

That was a broad, skinny as fuck, doing meth. Nice skin. Okay, face. The biggest titties you've ever seen. And every time she'd bet, the blouse would go down. And she'd have to pick up her blouse because the nipple was coming out. It was a party. Perfect.

She's getting cocktails from the chick. I'm like, I got to go fucking talk to this. I sat next to her. I went to $200 and said, fuck this fucking chick. I went upstairs because she was pulling out 20s and hundreds. Like, they were nothing like they were wrinkled. Like she had them in her asshole from dance. Oh, they were playing over tits?

Yeah, no, not out of her tits. She had a big bag and it had dough in that. Oh, she must have been a stripper or something. Yeah, she was a stripper or something. Yeah, she was a stripper or something. She had tits like that. She couldn't have been a fucking nun. Why have tits like that and be a nun?

That's a waste for Jesus. But fucking this chick was banging. But once I see her do a meth and shit, I was like, you saw her doing it? No, she was making fucking faces like a penguin. Jesus. You see a lot of fucked up people in casino. I love casinos. I love, I love, casino's really good when they have horse racing.

And like the guy's just walking around there, hammered, oh, yelling at the TVs. I love sitting in the horse racing. section. You know, it's really weird. One of my favorite spots as a kid was OTB on the other side of Washington nights. You got off the bus from Jersey.

Okay. It was right upstairs and shit. I don't know how many times I went up there just to put $2, even if I didn't have it. Because it wasn't about the $2. It was about the entertainment. Oh, yeah. The raw nature of the gambler

is an amazing fucking story. Unless you see it or you've had, I had my mother. That's as bad as it gets. the house. Two phones, two TVs on at the same time running around. She had to bet the MEC game. Let's go to the MEC game. You know, that's degenerate shit. Oh. But the OTP, I've never, I've seen, I've driven by OTPs and I've seen horror. I've been to horses races and I've seen it at casinos. But OTPs are wild to me because it's just like,

wild. It's like the fourth wall. Are they still alive? Yeah. I just drove by one. I forget where it was. Maybe it was in Pennsylvania somewhere. Will you want to see a casino? Yeah. You take yourself. You get on a nice plane and you go to fucking Eureka, California, go to the casino there. That's where everybody comes in in a wheelchair with oxygen mask. Oh, yeah. Some black guy pushing him, he's losing on the machine.

The black jell is still in 20. It is a fire. Eureka casino. I think you have to do two weeks there. I did one. You quit? Yeah, after the first week. My mother died.

Oh, I got to go back to Jersey. My mother died. I can't do this. We're going to go back home. Really, I'm sorry. You know, the guy's like, my regards. Fuck you, another week of this. Bro.

Everybody that walked in there smoked four packs a day. Oh, yeah. There wasn't one non-smoker in there. If you went down there for breakfast, you're close. Fucking, you stood them up when you came up and took a shower. It was just pure smoke. Everybody's dying. Everybody's got a fucking black card there.

The doctor just gave an ace of spades and said, do your thing. Oh, my God. You got six weeks to live. motherfucker. That's where I go. Fuck, suck, drink sperm, do what you need to do. And I'm telling you, Eureka was, and I went there in

1995, 96. I lived in Seattle, and it was mind-boggling. I'm sure it hasn't changed it all. A little better than S-O-T-B. A little bit better. A little bit better. I heard a guy yelling like, fuck that magic.

Oh, yeah. On the Taurus, they were yelling, fucking, but this 1995. You said midget, spick, nobody even turned their heads. Now these pussies, you said trigger. You're allowed to say whatever you want in a... Yeah, I've smoked one cigarette in my life.

I don't go to casinos that don't have cigarettes. I love the smell of a cigarette in the casino. You need it. You hear Sinatra, you feel like, you know what I'm saying? You feel it. Oh my God. Dude, it's a good thing we don't live in a place with a lot of casinos.

Because I could spend every second in a casino. And don't they have them in Brooklyn? They have one in Harlem. They're opening one up right next to City Field. That's the one that just got approved. And they have one by the airport. By JFK.

They have Resorts World. But it's like really out there. There's one by City Field, you'll be able to take the train to. And that's going to be a problem for me. No, no, not Westchester. Wherever, wherever is that, where is City Field in Westchester?

Yeah, it's in Queens. It's right next to, it's going to be right, the guy who owns the Mets. like with partnering with Hard Rock where we just were I love and and people get angry like especially like if you

like in L.A. I went to Commerce Casino a bunch of times L.A. has some creepy casino and people get mad at you like those Asians will kill you. Yeah. Don't go down there fucking with those Asians. No and if like when you guys would like stay on 15 I got like in the deal with like you got you can't yeah the lesbian the next day was a little bit of not upset with us but

She wasn't cool. You can do whatever you want. But if you don't play by the book with like the, like the, from China, like, oh, they'll fucking yell. They'll get up and leave the table and curse you in Chinese. The Commerce Casino. Bro, you can eat Chinese food from a cart as you play. Oh, it's the best.

They'll bring you Kung Pao, but not even the shit from the restaurants. They bring you the shit that those primitive Chinese people, you know, all them to hang and lizards and shit. Oh. I think I'm fucking kidding you. You think I'm fucking kidding you. They don't fuck around. That's a different style of Chinese

because it's Chinese Filipino. My Mercy's Godmother interviewed that. Punta do. Ponodal they offered it. And her and I was about talking about we're going to gracefully resign. I'm not even taking the job. Wow.

Because it's all fucking Chinese. It's heavy duty Chinese mob. We were just talking about the bicycle casino. You know, one night, I forget if I was doing comedy yet or not, but I went through like different phases of playing blackjack in LA. One night I drove all the way down to the bicycle casino. I got to the parking lot. It was my like second or third time there. A dude in a jacket said no, it was like the FBI jacket.

Like you can check it out in like 2017, 2018. It got raided for some sort of like fraud. And like it was and like they opened a week later. They don't fuck. And there was one. I went to in LA a lot over. Oxnard, which wasn't even a casino. It was just in, it was like next to a car dealership and an RV dealership.

They had poker and blackjack tables. That's it. I don't even think it was legal. Oh, I love that you're doing all these casinos. It's so much fun. There's nothing like, like, and that's why, because black, poker is, I hate it. Because everyone's grumpy. No one's, because you're trying to beat each other.

Blackjack is quick, bro. It's quick. I got time to sit there. That's when you're going to lose me. Once you get monopoly, when you're going to start in the hotels, that's what you're going to start in the hotels. I want the three blue ones.

That's it. And I can negotiate and you can rent. But once you're telling me to put hotels and stuff, that's where I get up and go, that's it's too long. Too much of an investment. I got to sit here for eight hours to be Joe Marco Sini and own the skyline.

Get the fuck out of here. I got two minutes. And that's why I like blackjack. It's quick. I like roulette, or not roulette, the one-arm swordsman because it's quick. I only lost.

40 bucks. I said, fuck that. I'm going to go over and play blackjackjack. I play blackjack on draft king. Yeah, I've been, I did that today. I lost 100 bucks. What you got over the jersey? Oh, all the time. Is that before you took a shit in the bathroom? I didn't take a shit today. I want to use nasty motherfuckers to take a shit.

No. Oh my. Take a shit when you gamble. You got all excited. No, you can't. I get so super stash. I don't go to the bathroom when I gamble because every time I'll be doing great. And as soon as I take a piss and like my, my hands touch my dick. it's no good. It's bad luck.

You can't piss. You can't, oh, I get real superstitious. Do you have anything weird like that? I'm like Chinese people standing behind me when I play. Anything. Anything. Every time a Chinese person stood behind me, I've lost it all and then some. Yeah.

Lost it all. And I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not prejudiced. I love Chinese people. I love Becky. I love. I eat that shit once a week. You know, I don't buy Chinese food from Spanish people.

No. I buy it from Chinese. people, so I like them. I like Chinese people too, but that's, I don't, Chinese women dealers can't fuck around with them because they're too fast. You need someone who's not really that good of their job. Where were we? We were just somewhere and the dealer

was a little bit retarded. Remember it was like a kid's first day. It was like a chobier version of me. Oh, that night. We went to, yeah, Fort Lauderdale. The first night they gave. Virginia or some of Maryland. It was an autistic plan. He came out there and we couldn't beat him because he knew numbers. 10 million autistic people It was his first day

It was his first day And that's where you can make money Is they make a little bit of a mistake Dude I have so And like people go to casinos To get drunk and hook up I've no fuck that

I'll go down and sweatpants And a t-shirt And you're a businessman You ain't that time The fucking fucking that's what I was telling you But when you add excitement to it And your friends. And it doesn't matter if you lose $100.

You're yelling with your people. The waitress is coming over with water drinks. You know, you get a headache. Yeah. Unless you go to the bar. And even then, it's watered down. Those casinos, they milk you the debt. I did two shots of tequila.

Nothing happened. Oh, Jesus Christ. Nothing. They hold the whole fucking thing. Everybody's licking lemons. Nothing. Two shots. I got more drunk off to Heineken for four minutes.

Then the edible took over. And you don't have anything. drink on these planes. I don't, you know me, I don't drink. As soon as we get on these planes and they have free alcohol, every drop. I have to have at least two drinks. I wish I could drink because by the time we would have gotten to Tampa, we would have

had a crawl in. Oh yeah. Because think about if I drank, all you motherfuckers got to drink. I don't care for it's 10 in the morning or not. We're getting fucked up. This is Burke Chryshae's style. This is the highway to hell. Yeah.

I took tequila shots and we had fucking. Oh, chicken-colored sandwich. That's what it was. Oh. That was the worst. I ate chicken cutlets anymore from us. Only George and my wife, and I'm trying to tell my wife not to cook them anymore either. Because George is so good at the chicken-cottlet world.

But this shit at the store, I'm telling you. I'm telling you, go to a deli, these Italian places. They can't wait to put the Mutsidel on there, and the roasted red peppers and the balsamic. And everything tastes good, but something just ain't right in that fucking thing. Like, I'm tasting somebody's prison. It's Purdue. Like, if you go to a bodega in the city, it's all the same.

It's like the pre-bredded, they don't make it there. It's like they buy it from their supplier. How disgusting. It's, yeah. No, and that's why Georgia's taste good. If you can tell it's fresh. I don't care if it's got steroids in it to chicken. No, they all have.

I keep eating chickens like grow a wing. I'll grow a wing. That's steroids. Nothing happens to you. But it's just crazy that, you know, part of my job that I really like. I mean, I'm a fat fuck. But part of my job that I really enjoy is that I get to go across the country and at least try one restaurant.

You know, you have no idea what that means to me. I'm not going to show up at a coffee shop and go, oh, my God, we went to this cute little cafe in Rome. It's not going to happen in my world. I want to see what America had to offer. By me touring all those years, I had some great fucking meals and places that, you know, if you go to Denver

and you want a slice of pizza, you're done. No. You're done, bro. Why would you do that? Especially if you're from here. Let's go to Texas. Let's get a pizza pot. Ain't nothing in Texas either. This is it. And you try to be prejudiced and you try to be honest. You know, but this is it.

This is as good as it gets. You're going to get some pizza on the road that is so bad. And then there are people from New Jersey, look at me and go, this is so bad. Why'd you order it? Why'd you fucking order it? You knew. Look at the guy making it. His name is Juan.

He's never even been to Jersey or New York. So now you get what you fucking, you know. But man, like if you eat this shit from the region, like the first time went to Texas and an alligator, I felt so fuck. I bombed that night, but I didn't give a fuck. Because I did something different being from this area. We don't do shit.

Everything's the same. But we're doing, let's go to Florida. It's go to Atlantic City. I love Florida. Flowers are a fucking dump. You saw it. You saw half those people what they look like. They're fucking, the skin's gone.

It's like an alley. Alligator. You know, they're like all alligators. The women, tattoos, they're all chubby. The one that I swapped spit with at the ball was chubby with a little fucking frog on his stomach and shit. Oh, Jesus. I want to kiss you.

I don't want to kiss you. But she was so nice. She gave me a pain fucking pill. Oh, gee, I missed that. I was up. Did you really? Oh, fuck yeah. She called me all night long.

Take a fucking who, I ain't taken. Listen. It's not too old. By the time I get there, I don't even have a dick that gets up anymore. sit on stage. I don't even jerk off no more because I'm scared to what's going to come out.

I'm 63. It could be blood. It could be fucking some purple shit. Oh my God. It could be clear. When I do come, it's not like a gallon anymore. It's like for a thirsty midget.

You know what I'm saying? Like, it's just enough to fucking quench his thirst. His thirst. Yeah. Her thirst. I don't know. No, it's okay.

No one's judging you here. Oh, my God. She was a chubby little kid. Q girl. She's like, let's make out. Fuck it. Okay. I swapsed it. You had a shot of tequila. Yeah. No, yeah. I remember. I'm not blaming on tequila.

Okay. I'm one of those faggots. I had tequila. I knew exactly what I was doing. I even told my wife. She was like, what? I just the one time. She wanted to kiss me. What do you want from me? She's like, Jesus, Chris. I'm 63. I can be dead tomorrow. I go wake up tomorrow and want to just die.

So if I could make out a little chubby chick one time in Florida, what the fuck? She didn't give me a sore throat She wasn't with a dick sucker Oh, thank God Look at her And the other girl She was, looked like a man

She was trying to fuck Mike Roney She's the old mic She had tits coming out of her shirt She was the ugliest thing You ever saw in your life She kept telling Mike I'll take you up to the room now And Mike's like my wife is dead

You know what I'm saying? I ain't going to know And my wife died I don't want nobody in my room Did you see him? He left all pissed off Trying to suck my dick Really Really?

A lot of She had like eight guys surrounding her, and then they would have cocktails and see what she really looked like and guy. But the chubby one was cute. She came on with me early. She had a fucking Madonna thing on. Oh, my God.

She had a little gut, and she had a tattoo of a snake somewhere. It looked like... It used to be a frog, but it turned into a snake. Whatever. But listen, man, when I used to do that stupid joke? I take that seriously. You know, every once in a while, you get like a little ugly chick.

She wants to give you a kiss. You're not going to tell her she's ugly. You're going to give her a kiss because you're a Christian. You understand? And Christ sees that type of stuff. He's like, you kiss the chubby girl, Joey. It could be considered a cheat, but not really. You didn't go home.

Whatever? Nothing happened. I just swapped with her one time. Did you see how happy she was? She wanted me to take her home and, you know, she's done. But I was like, you know, I'm a man. You like making a person's day. He's always liked making a person's day.

I got nothing against making it. Listen, if you want to cheat on your wife, that's your business. But if you bump into a blowjob, God wanted to make your day. I've never heard my life bump in the stairs right here, some chickas on the bottom going, ha, ha, ah, you're going to tell him I'm married? No, I'm going to take the blowjob and then say a prayer because Jesus wanted it in your path. If Jesus don't want it in your path, he won't put it there.

Dude, there was one time where I did, and it was years ago that I bumped into a blowout but didn't even realize it until it was like hours later. I was at this, but it wasn't even doing comedy. I went to the stratosphere and it was right after I broke up in L.A. And I went up, they have like the bar

that overlooks all of Vegas and I went up and as I was leaving this like 40, 50 year old lady was like hammered walking out with her friend. And like, I don't want to suck a dick to me. And like,

but I was like shocked and I couldn't. I had no way. I was like, I hope you have fun. Like it was not anything. And I've never once bumped into a blowjob.

I feel very comfortable. When I speak to a girl who's 25. I feel comfortable and safe. When I talk to a girl who's 35, I feel comfortable and safe. When I talk to a woman who's 42 and she's a single mom, I feel very comfortable and safe, but you don't know what life is.

So you run into a 55-year-old divorcee with nothing but pussy. Her kids are gone from the house, and she's ready to suck dick. She don't care about AIDS. That's why these people in the homes, all those old people, the SDDs are higher now. That's fucking for life now. It don't matter.

I'm fucking you with a cigarette in my mouth. I'm fucking you with an asbestos suit on. You know, the women I've had the hardest time ever, like I talk. I talked. I went to cousins. I went to cousins, not on a Thursday night.

First time I went out in central Jersey, I went to Astoria on a Thursday night. I were friends of mine from North Bergen. And I couldn't believe the amount of women and the size of them. And the outfits they had on. No, this is... I don't think you're talking about the height. This ain't fucking funny.

The restaurant was so good that I told my wife, let's go back next week, and some neighbors came with us. And that was also a Thursday night. And I'm sitting, like the bar where we sit, where we ate. If you look at that side, there's a long table. Two long tables.

I was sitting in a four-man table, but I'm looking at 12 Godzilla's. All Italian, all with leopard suits on, Not one of them goes to yoga. Not one of them. Again, I'm not here to criticize nobody, but in my mental of criticizing, I said, Joey,

you were raised by a mom who is buckling. Okay? How dare you? Think that way. They're women, they're divorced. They gave up two daughters already. They raised two kids or three boys. They went to softball games.

They went to football games. The husband left for the fucking secretary. What are they going to do? Sit at home and eat meatballs. Fuck, no, they're going to polish that pussy. They go to a place in Red Bank where it does your pussy all over again. You think I'm lying to you. I've heard this from a woman at the gym.

That's an old rejuvenation. It's even better. It takes the old skin out, sperm. You're a virgin. $48, you're a virgin. The pussy's brand new. They all do it at 50. And how can I, you know, listen, man.

Well, you can't get pregnant. Might as well? That was a girl about a year ago that I know she's older. She was a hamlet. There was a point where she was. She had me against a wall this close at Austria, and everybody was looking. I was like, what the fuck? And she's like, I'm going to leave in 10 minutes, call me.

And I'm like, lady, I would love to give you a stabbing. But I'll go to hell. That's number one. But, bro, when I went out, half hour later, she was still outside in her car waiting for me. I can't give her no dick. I'm going to stick it in and then it's going to come in two minutes. Remember, I'm on a point now it just comes. It doesn't even come.

It just stops. Look at each other. Everything all right, yeah. I'm not going to... My wife has to deal with that because we've been married for 25 years. But you take a grown woman home and you give a three minutes of dick.

You're going to be a laughing stock. You're going to be on every fucking riddle. What's that thing that people talk about? They see you taking a picture and they write about you. Riffle, rifle, whatever the fuck it is. But that, listen, man. I deal what you're talking about?

I got to... Where you go to talk about people. Everybody jumps in. Oh, Reddit? Reddit? There we go. Yeah. And you look at these ones.

That would be fucked. George, if your mother was still alive for this, she'd still be a fucking knockout wearing her bowers. Am I lying, George? With her fee-fi hat, with heels not giving zero fucks. There's some about a woman. I can't get mad at, but trying to be beautiful. We were sitting at the table.

Tell George the kid's mother who came up to us from the fuck and he's number one, number three draft. Oh, yeah? And baseball. But he didn't even come. We didn't go up to her. We didn't go. She came over to us.

He was like, hey, just so you know, grandson, first run. My son. Oh, but Nana was there too. She came and she was good looking. She had a baseball hat on, but she still had it. The grandmother had to be 65. Was she not dialed up to the 9s? I can't get mad at you.

No, they're fine. I cannot get mad at you. There's a 65-year-old man sitting there. I don't know. My wife died eight years. ago, I don't know what to do. They're ready to give it up. Those girls, it's no prerequisite.

You got a heartbeat. They don't want to get remarried. Listen, they don't want to get remarried. They don't want to do nothing. They just want a companion, and they want to fuck. And you know what? If you don't make the money they do, at that age, they got enough money from their ex-husband.

Oh, they're dangerous. Oh, these women. Look, a guy's looking. I probably saw what's his name the other day. He's a handsome motherfucker. He's 64. Who's that? The bass player from Guns and Roses.

Duff with the blonde hair. Oh, yeah? He's a bunch of him and his wife. I'm like, this guy, every two nights he's on the road, playing, running back and forth with fucking slash. That's 64. That means we're extending. At 64, you were like Archie Bunker. Every father in America was Archie Bunker.

That's crazy. He was like, what, 40 during that show? He was 48 during that show. That's how bad we looked at 40 in the 70s. At 40, you had one foot in the grave. Yeah? I ain't more. You know, Ms. Jalen Williams, whatever his name is,

from the Boston Celtics. Hey, Jason Tatum. Name me an athlete that's come back from that injury in seven months. That's not because he's better than you. That's because he's got a million dollars of support on him. Oh, yeah. They do the PAPE every day, PDP, you got people stretching you, you got peptides, you got steroids, you got milk, you got water.

You know, and the NBA gets the best. Oh, they have to. They're worth too much money to them. What are we talking about? These women will take PT 141. You know it affects men, but it's also for women, for arousal. I told you motherfuckers, if you have a dad, he's single, he wants to sling dick. Listen, Viagra's great.

It works together with, like that blue chew has two things in it, the new one, works together with that fuck. I can't believe we're talking about this on the air, but I want to school young kids because 40-year-olds have any deep problems now. 35-year-olds are having a deep problem now. I have a joke about it. I'm telling you. It's weird when it starts. It's very weird. Because in your 20s.

But it should start when you're 55. Well, there's a difference between like dead dick and like it's starting to like, you can see that dead dick is in your future. Listen, the thing that fucked my dick up was all those years of cocaine because you can't bring them back. Once it's over, it's over. It goes in the skin. Only the turtleneck.

Like my dick is like uncircumcised or the wind flap would just hang out of the hole. The dick would go in like a turtle. You could see it's all going over here. Yeah. I mean, when you do. Coke and shit, but when I was 36 straight dick, I'd give you for 10 minutes without even looking to flip you over, smack you, pull your hair, make you play with your monkey and put my dick in your mouth and fucking, you know, all that.

I was letting tall. That's what you're into. That's what you're into. So you have to have the fucking momentum. Well, I couldn't do a tenth of that when I was 50. A tenth of that. Just with no help. With no help.

I just started having problems. I was maybe 58, 59. after the move, you know, you stress, whatever. And I was like, this is not good. It doesn't happen often, but it's happened. At least I'm honest. And this is, I look to help it. I'm not looking to fuck people.

I'm not looking to sling dick, but the biggest fear, remember the soprano's? What's the biggest fear in life? But when they took that Jew and they turned to cut off his dick, because there's no man on earth that wants to be in this planet without a dick. No. Even if you don't get pussy, it's a nice option to hold your dick. wait till you fucking take your bag out from the side

and empty that with a chunk of shit that'll remind you it's kind of nice to hold your dick and see the piss floor out of it and you know even if you get a hard on just to bang one out and you get all dizzy and shit that's fine I still get yelled at sometimes and I don't even mean to if I'm staying at home watching TV in like gym shorts my hand goes in there

I'm not jerking off no me too I'm scratching balls sniffing fingers you know what I'm saying it's going deep in the nuts actually wouldn't need work. Maybe I got to put some more soap under this grease. You know what I'm saying? Something. But you know, this is things that it's happening to younger people now.

Dude, it happened to me in my 20s. Like, even before, like, right as I met you. And it was like a heaviness thing. It also was a mental thing, I think. And, but I will say this, there have been a couple of times where, like, I think my dick knew that I wasn't supposed to be with that person.

Like, there were a couple women that even I'm like, it had been a while. And I was like, okay, I'll do it. And I'm not saying I was not good looking at all either, but a couple of times, I think my dick was trying to save me, I think. There's a chick on Instagram, a black chick, that is hilarious.

She comes on there, and she goes, married guys, guys with relationships. Are you suffering from me, D, this, discomfort, this. You need a new woman. You need a new piece of ass. Because that's how you try. If your dick is dying, just go to a row.

regular ratty strip club. And if those chicks can't get the party started, which I don't want them to touch me anyway. Right. But if you go to a strip club to try out what I'm telling you, the story I'm cooking in there's glory, no more rock. Anyway. I actually, in the last couple weeks, I made like a decision and I hate it, but it's

changed. My dick has never been better because I'm, I mean you're in love. No, it's not because of that. Well, I'm done jerking off. Very good. You can't. I, I did it. Dude, there were times.

Where I do it off and porn destroy you. Yeah. Especially if you want longevity, a better nut. They're talking about the damages of porn now. I never watch porn. In fact, Sergio Otega sent me the Hells and Angels book, the one by the famous writer last week. But I thought the book, you know, it was a paperback.

Everything in the 80s, 60s was a paperback. I get the package. It's fucking huge. I open it up. Sergio dumped three playboys from the, Seven years time. He's the guy who had Felicia's Playboy, right? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's great, bro. He's been on the church. Yeah, since the beginning. 2010. He's been with us. Great kid, great family. He sends him in these pawns.

I hit him back and go, you jerk off in these things yet? He goes, no, I bought him in a yard sale. I goes, Jesus Christ. I opened it up, dog, and I almost got pregnant. There was a old dust in there. It was that base sperm. I almost got my, I was feeling my stomach, my ditties. But those tits for me.

the fucking 70s. Women are completely different in those playboys. But my point was that beside that playboy Hollywood, and this and I have, I've never had that. I don't,

I always feel shitty when I have to masturbate. The only time it feels good is when you call a freak and it's gonna cost you money and she's on her way and you bang one on. You don't call her back,

listen, I'm falling to sleep. I'll save the Coke for myself. Oh my God. And I know we've all done that at one time or another. The bitch is playing with you. I'm a generos.

We're leaving now. all right you're at home putting cologne on your nuts and shit where are you we're leaving

Hoboken now all right and so you're like fuck this you're like fuck this and you bang went out

and she's like I'm close forget it I'm going to bed click it's over I'm surprised you just didn't like

I used to do all that craziness right but somewhere along the line from when I moved here

one night it was very shocking it was like a shock like I was fucking embarrassed it was and I went on

line and started looking. I was like, wait a second. I do too much leg work. I do too much strength work to not have. I saw when I started deadlifting when I was 49, the dick I was inflicting. Because the fucking squats and the fucking... The dick you inflict when you do...

Listen, when you do those, what do you call those... Dead lifts? Dead lifts, yeah. The dick you inflict. Because that thing destroys everything. When you do deadlifts, your central nervous system gets it. It's fucking, you could see it. When you have a whoop, do four sets of deadlips with 120 pounds and come eight of them.

And come saying, it's nothing. Right. Ways nothing 120 pounds. No, I remember from when I was doing kettlebells with Irish. But you just do eight of those times four and get back to me. You will need a nap. In the middle of that nap, you will get a hard-arm. That voodini couldn't fucking pop out of the grave.

In the middle of that nap, you're going to get woken up. and your dick is going to be so hard, it's going to hurt with veins in it, that you can't even jerk off. Be like, Jesus, what is this? It's those fucking dead lips. That's what it is. Yeah. You cannot put that shit together.

So I went back to, you know, and I started looking at Viagra and all that stuff. Somebody gave me 100% Viagra from a pharmacy. That shit don't work. No? If you popped 200, my heart's going to blow up. So I was dropping 150 like nothing, and I didn't like two blue shoes on the side. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, because I popped blue shoes, the minty ones,

You know delicious. Do you take... They are actually really good. But do you ever take... Dude, at my age, I take a blue chew and it's like, let's have fun. It's 25 minutes. It's 20... It's only 25 milligrams, but it's 15 minutes.

No, it lasts. You eat four or five of those motherfuckers? She's passed out and I'm still fucking back. You're passed out. Four or five, dude. If I take one, it lasts me 72 hours. If what? If I eat one blue chew, it lasts like it's...

Like, it's 20-year-old dick for like 72 hours. You add that with PT-141. For anybody who needs PT 141, look what it does to you. There's another sexual one, but PT-141 has been around since 1970. If you need it, you live down by me, go to ultimate nutrition, and ask for my brother, Justin. He'll hook you up. You'll be having hard-ons at cousins. You'll be hitting people in the face.

You know what I'm saying? You ever walk up to a bitch and go, you want to dance? No. Ba! You're sitting with your dick right in her fucking eye. See what happens. Then how you like me now? I'm 63 with a PT-14.

one dick. Oh my God. You know what I'm saying? When my dick gets harder, it says 141 on it on the side. Viento Airlines. I love how into these peptides you are. Like,

you start telling people about these. I got it. Because why would I be greedy and save it for myself? And then one day I died of a heart on. That's bad karma. So I rather spread the love. I want everybody in Jersey

to get fucking tremendous hard on. This summer in Belmar, you shoot that one ptty-41. You shoot it in your dick? No, you're shooting in your dick? your stomach from your arm three or four hours, but it's better for the next morning. So if you shoot it at night, when that bitch wakes up to Dick, it's going to be horror. You're just going to wake her up.

Hello? Well, how, how do you feel this morning? Wait one second. And they just bust the dick you give them. And that ain't coming. It's just a straight up helmet. That thing don't come. They come and then you got to take a breather and watch them recoup and shit.

Oh, that was tremendous. Let's take a breather right now. It's getting too deep in here. We'll be right back. What's happened? beautiful people. Uncle Joey here for Masa chips. Listen, if you feel bad, it's because you're eating garbage.

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Have a good week. In the Cloud. The vampire, the Vompedo. We're back, Jack. Anyway, I forgot all about it. When we were in Tampa, one of my eight-grade teachers came to the fucking show. Okay? He was 80.

I haven't seen him, and he didn't act 80. No. He did not act 80. He had to be, if I'm 163. He couldn't have been 17 when I was born. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, he was 80. And he looked great.

He was sharp. You know, I've been telling everybody about this dude for years. People are like, what the fuck are you talking about? He was a mayor in Wehawking, and he was the eighth grade teacher. And at some point in the eighth grade, he got arrested and charged with all this shit. And I lost contact with him. But after all, the doodling in the shit, I came home maybe in 91. I was a little bit more clear.

I had done my time. I had a daughter. And I asked somebody in North Bergen, like, what's going on in Wally Lindsay? Like, he's out of jail, blah, blah, blah, blah, go get me his number. Nobody had his number. Your grandfather, nobody had his fucking number.

And then one day, somebody texted me. He got, he was number. And I called him as I was going from North Bergen into Fairview on Kennedy Boulevard and whatever that is right there. And I called him right from that light. When I got the number, I was like, I'm going to call this motherfucker right now.

And when I called him, I think he was on a law office. and he answered the phone and he was very oh Cocoa motherfucker eighth grade Turk Jordan you know

and he's like oh shit I can hear him go outside and he was like how you doing I'm really in shock about you calling me what's the problem

I know there ain't no problem man you were a great teacher to me you were fucking great why I can't call you he didn't know nothing about comedy he heard I did time

do you mean 91 or 2001 91 93 maybe You must have just started comedy I think you started comedy Yeah I was a little later you're right It was like 2000 I came back And I called them

And he did not know I got into comedy And how you're doing I didn't say nothing I was like I'm just a regular comedian blah blah blah you know And then I kept in touch with him Like every three years Something would happen

He called me or I call him And then once I came here I go now I could turn this motherfucker on with him, you know. It's because you, I would never, the way you guys were interacting, I thought you saw him every time he went down there. Like I said,

you know, we had Barone down here a couple weeks ago. We were talking about my daughter in her school and how the teachers, that doesn't exist no more. What I had from that guy doesn't exist anymore. They're the type of teachers that they knew if your mom beat your dad. They knew if your dad was an alcoholic.

They knew if you didn't want to go home to your family. That's who you went to. You didn't go to your fucking guidance counselor. You went to the eighth grade teacher, seventh grade teacher. These guys know everything about you. It wasn't just, what about your books today? You know, that shit wouldn't have worked in Northburg. It wouldn't have fucking worked.

And the people that tried doing that shit got shipped out or somebody beat them up. And you know, that's it. Teachers got beat up in Horace Mann all the time. When I was young, people would get beat their shit out of in Lincoln. Those Lincoln dudes, you couldn't look at them wrong. You could not look at them wrong. Franklin had its problems.

McKinley. I saw a couple people hit teachers and shit like that. But, dog, I saw Louis Zaldivar clock, Leo Gatoni in the head, almost knocked them out in the basement. Elizabeth was too. He just went up to him and said, you got to go to the office. Boom. He came to the show in Fort Lauderdale.

I called him the Russian. That's the, remember I said to him. I go, tell him how you punched Mr. King on the head in the head in the seventh grade and almost knocked him out. Who punches a teacher in the head? But regardless of that world, They were your friend. You could pull them out the way out.

They would tell you to you. Dog, come here. What's going on? You've been getting 80s all year. Now you drop two 60s on me. Sit out and close the door. What's going on? What's going on at home?

You need money for groceries. It was a different animal. You know, it was a different. Coaches drove you home from CYO basketball. One in the morning, they're driving eight kids home. Make a right, make a left, coach. You know, they drove you to your fucking mother's door. I still remember the coach driving me

one night. He didn't play me. He didn't play me. And he had to sit with me now. And I would usually start on this team. He didn't play me, St. Michael. And I remember him and I in the bottom, him telling me why he didn't start me for that game. People don't do that today. Because your parents go down, oh, come my little Timmy's not fart. Well, he can't dribble the fucking ball. You know, he can't jump. I gave much, he can't fight. He's like that dude in full metal jacket. He can't do nothing. The tubby do. Private pile. Private pile. He can't do nothing, you know. What, what, you know, they talk to you, man.

And I don't know about you. You didn't get an F. Right. They pushed you. They would even say, you that fucking stupid. These kids today would melt. But they would ask you, you that fucking stupid. You want me to put your remedial reading?

And then they pull your side later and go, hey, about before, I'm sorry. Because a bigger man, bigger mistake, you apologize. I said, I'm sorry. But, bro, what's going on with you? I know you. you could do better than this. I know. You're out there on Sundays with Vinny

fucking knowing all the fucking signals and shit. How do you not know fucking a paragraph? Come on, man. And that pushes you a little bit. Okay, you see I got something. You just told me I got something. I'm going to try. And I don't know about you.

I had a lot of great female teachers and I'm not saying anything against female teachers, but I had a couple, one specifically, my fourth grade teacher was like an older dude and I thought he was a cool. As a guy, I don't know, as a guy I connected with them on a different level. Again, some of the best, I'm not saying anything against the female teachers, but there's not a lot of men teachers anymore, I don't think.

At least not where I grew up. I don't know what's going on then, but I was fortunate enough to be around. Listen, not every teacher is going to be good. For every great teacher that I had, Mr. Teranova, Mr. Barone, Mr. Levito, Mr. fucking, you know, you had to be a good. these teachers that stuck out on your mind that after you, when you're 25, you want to walk back to the high school and go, hey, man, I took that class because you told me to take it. What teacher doesn't want to hear that?

What coach doesn't want to hear that? I did this because of you seven years ago. Thank you. Yeah. That guy knows it's a cycle now. I'm on to something. I'm on. Do you ever hear about Mr. Lee?

He lived next door to your grandpa. Listen to me. The biggest fucking hard on you. ever met your life. Crew cut and everything. Kids had crew cuts. One of those families, okay? He was something.

But he was an asshole. I went there, Rob. The case of beer, I put in my locker, and he came. He goes, I'm going to open. I go, you open it, I'm going to have a fucking problem. I disrespect to him in the worst way ever. Mr. Lee was not a bad guy. He was just serious. Joe, if you got beer in there, we can't have this. I got beer in here or none.

None of your fucking business. Get a warrant. You know, warrant. And he never spoke to me again. And I did a robbery and I slipped my hand open. I was broke walking around Northbury. I go see Uncle Vinny or Mike. I would go to high school. When you're a loser, where do you go?

You go to high school and see your old teacher. Hey, how are you doing? You still got your M.B. Brewing Jacket on. Yeah. You know, you're little, I won the Eagles championship in 73. Yeah. Like, you know, but you still go up there. I would see kids up there all the time.

And I had this bandage on my hand. And I went down to the training room. and Mr. Lee was walking by. This is six years after our altercation. I wasn't even in high school, no. And something made him go, what's wrong with your hand? I cut it last night. And he goes, let me take a look like it's still bleeding, you know.

He went into the fucking room where the kids would tape you and put heat on your balls and all that shit when you didn't make the right defensive playing football. Like, if you didn't make the right defensive playing football, they would pick you up that 77 and before that, we were scared to go to high school. They would pick you up, put you in the fucking men's training room, duck you up with tape, tape you to the table and put

fucking red-hot on your balls and shit, and leave you in there, lock the light and shit. For one bad play? Welcome to North Bergen. Jesus Christ. And it wasn't the coach. It was the other players that were like, no, that can't. That can't happen again.

I don't know why the band-gay had to go on the balls. Because that's part of it. You remember not to fucking make that play again. somebody puts Beggingay on your balls and tells you to pay the rent on the first every month you'll have it there on the 31st. Yeah. You're saying so?

Oh my God. He asked me. He was just me and him. And for like six minutes, he didn't say a word. He just took the bandage off, looked at my hand. He goes, move your fingers. I moved my fingers.

This one could move. And he goes, about a month ago, somebody was asking me, if I ever had to treat somebody, but I didn't like. I had to think about that. And today I got the answer. walked in here. And he was talking to me like a doctor, but telling me how much he hated me at the

same time, which is fucking brilliant. And after a while, I said, hey, Mr. Lee, why don't we put this behind this? Behind this. I was a fucking kid. Yeah, it was 1978. I was a fucking kid. My mother had just died. Who knows why we had this argument? But I'm very sorry. He gave me his number. We went out to hashways that day. We left the gym with the hashways. I had like inglagatory lunch. And for a year, I called him. He lived right next year. And I would tell you, Grandpa, guess he's talking to me, Mr. Lee?

And he go, I heard. Like, everybody was in shock that Mr. Lee was talking to me. I called him for about a year and then he died. He died, but he was a good guy. And even that, six years, a teacher, that's not a lesson you learn in a book. And that's the lessons we were learning early on that my daughter will never learn from her teachers. You don't think she has a, like a...

She's got two teachers. She told me the other day, my daughter's on a fucking different level. She looked me and my wife in the face the other day, and she goes, you know what? People ask me all the time, the best white rice is Cuban white rice. I go, what are you talking about? She goes, Cuban white rice is better than any other white rice ever had in my life. She asked my wife, goes, I don't feel that way.

She asks me, I go, I'm Cuban, I don't fucking feel that way. She goes, no, no, no. The Cubans make the rice a little different. Better than Chinese, better than moms, better than everybody. And she goes, Dad's wine when you tell me to take me up, I take the ride with you. So she's got a teacher that to Puerto Rican.

She was telling me all about a Friday night at dinner. She goes, Dad, so I talk to my teacher, the Puerto Rican one? And I asked her, isn't Cuban rice better than Puerto Rican rice? And she's like, yeah, it is. And Mercy's like,

but you got to go up north for it. And he's like, yeah. That's amazing. I don't know why I told you that story, but she has a connection with a teacher. Yeah, it's a connection with. And then there's another teacher, a music teacher.

And Mercy tells her the band She listens to her And she's like, Mercy, I can't believe You listen to that I can't, you know So at least But everybody else

Like she had a teacher That was giving a D's Some other teacher That won't talk to her You know, it's not Like when we left high school We went home with a story dog Did you hear what happened

At third period? Oh my God Spanish guy stepped on Mr. T's shoes And he told him to get the Spick Hoopty-Doo's off his foot You know And you fucking

Remembered that shit Yeah You would never cut that teacher. That teacher never got cut. Nobody had the audacity to cut him because it was 45 minutes. It was 43 minutes of straight fucking laughter. You walked in, you sat down. He went in the mirror, opened it, and he would comb his eyebrows and then go.

And start with that. And then you sit down and go, attendance. Nikki Escalis, boom, boom, Nikki, get up. Where'd you get those shoes from? Spider-Man, then he'd... Lee, get up. You're still Jewish today. Sit out.

You're friends. You know, he would just go through the class. He would just go through the whole class. Hey, look at you. Where'd you get that haircut? Looking good. Don't come into class tomorrow if you have that haircut. You know, put on white socks.

That was his, he hated colored socks, too. But on white socks. It's a great way to get your attention. And then there was a chick that had big feet. The name was Habba. No, that's not a woman. She was the only Arab. There was her and a couple Indian girls.

One of the Indian girls, they fucked her on Country Day. And there was never or whatever anymore. North Bergen High used to have a day on a table. Thursday, no school. You went behind the high school. They had games, food trucks, not food drugs, but, you know. And you went back there.

It was called Field Day. And the reason why Field Day was canceled because Dickie Thomas got caught fuck some, got caught fucking a little Indoo girl in the boys' bathroom. Right in front of the principal's teacher. Right there. The principal's office right there's two bathrooms right there.

So they canceled that, you know. But everybody, right in the bathroom. Huh? In the bathroom? Well, what are you going to take it to the four star for four seasons? I don't know. You're fucking 16.

You barely got a dollar from your father to eat lunch. What are you going to take it? You take it to the bathroom behind the church? Your mother has an extra car. Where are you fucking those days when you're 13, 14, 15? I have no idea. Okay, then. Me neither.

It's not like I was having orgies every fucking day, you know? But it's such a different world, and I'm very grateful. because I could tell you a bunch of shit. I could tell you all the bullshit you guys won't hear. But it was all these little teachers that believed in me at the end and a couple people from North Bergen. Now when I would get down, it would push me through.

I had a guy from the project. I had a guy from North Bergen project. You know who it's. Fucking sanitation worker in North Bergen. And he went out of his way one night to call me and say, hey man, I got your number from a friend of mine. I just want to tell you, I was watching Colcase tonight.

You got it, kid. I'm like, what are you talking about? You're a fucking DPW working from North Bergen. And he's like, brother, you got it. I'm really proud of you. And he just said some things. I was like, that's a dude from the project. That dude never had a dime.

He worked hard all his life. I remember that dude. Today, I talked to his daughters because of what he said to me. He's down to nowhere? His daughter's. Yeah, I knew him for years, but he never said that to me. He never saw me in action. That's awesome.

So when he saw it, he just put the TV on on a Sunday night and saw it, and the next day he was on the phone with me. That meant more to me. I was a horrible actor. But just as somebody noticed me that I grew up with and said, hey, man, you're on the right path. Especially after people were talking shit about you for bad stuff. Until today, I tight with his daughters, who are my nieces,

because of what that man said to me. That's the type of type. I'm old school, dog. I'm not going to fucking, I don't want to hang out. You know, you got your people, they take care of you. You take care of them. That's it. But those are the people that got me through, man.

His grandfather, like, I didn't want to keep coming back here being a loser. I told his grandfather, when she goes, where are you going? This is where you go, Buffalo? That's the asshole of the world. Yeah. And I'm like, fuck, Mr. Hey. He had a fucking compliment for any date I had because they were all, that's where you start. And hell, you know, Schenectady and fucking Poughkeepsie.

And he's like, Poughkeepsie. You're never going to make it to Broadway. You're reading off my tour list, by the way. Lee, that was everybody's tallest at one time. And I love it. I'm not complaining a bit, but it's just funny. All the cities, you're going to. I did that last year.

I did that week ago. Cipsy was the all-time worst weekend in the country. Am I lying to you? I think George had to bring me fucking food one day. Oh, it's good now. Dog, listen. Oh, yeah. It was a hotel and a gas station.

They didn't have like New Age, no coconut water. It was potato chips, chip, and those frozen burritos. And they put you in the basement, which was very nice if you were doing Coke. The windows are up here. You'd have to jump up and look out the window. But it was cold down there. And then you walk out because they were only booked slugs like me in January or February. You know, what are you doing fucking Gypsy in January of February?

You walk out, you look, you go to the gas. and got a bag of Doritos, and that's breakfast. There's a place called a tornado lounge in... It's called something. You have Seattle, and then you have the west side of Washington, and they call it to three cities or something. It's one city in Oregon and two cities. It's one of them where Idaho State was, when I called it about...

Nah, no, no, no, it's not even that deep. But they call it to Tri-Cities. Okay. It's called... I forget the name of the thing. And bro, when you looked it up in the back of comedy magazines, it was in real room. Okay. And it booked Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and you had to drive from Seattle about three hours.

And fucking, the first time I went, dug that hotel, they gave me 30% off. You didn't even want 30% of food. It was so bad. The hamburger smelled like feet the first time I went. Mysterical. And I didn't have a car. I had to eat cereal and shit from the thing. It was horrible.

The second time I went to food was horrible. also. But I met a chick that had a thousand of those things on her back. tattoos? No. Those fucking things that come out of you. I have one on my stomach. Oh, hernia. No, the fucking... What? What do you have a belly button? What are you talking about? How's you're going to have 30 hernias on hernias on her back? Oh, Lee, you're a fucking character. A sister? What do you have? Tags. Oh, skin tag. Jesus Christ. This girl was fucking beautiful. Came up to me. We talked.

Baba. First night she was there with a girlfriend. I'm here on a weekend. We're going to tour the Tri-Cities. She was from some part of Idaho, but she was fucking smoking. What's getting taxed though? I didn't know this at first.

I didn't know this until I made out with her and I touched, and there was like a thousand bugs on her back. And I was like, what the fuck is that? And listen to me. How did you not see her back? I swapped with her on the weekend. Immediately you didn't see her back once? Listen, I swapped with her over the weekend.

This is 1990. This is the summer. I'm leaving for L.A. in January. And this has to be like November. So I meet her. We start talking. We exchange numbers. We swapped her.

And then I went back to Seattle. She went back to her hometown. And then I was talking to one day and I go, I'm going to San Francisco to do a punchline openly. I'm going to drive down one of my friends. But he canceled as we were talking. And she called me back. She goes, are you going to still going to go?

You can't come meet me. I can't go because my car's fucked up. And my buddy can't go because his wife. And she goes, how about I drive you? That's how this happened. So I just made out with her. Now we're in the car. We drive six hours.

We're having a great time. We go eat dinner. And also when we go back to the room, we start making out. A shirt comes off and it's a thousand fucking tags on the back door. Listen, I'm no fucking tip-top, I'm a goo type of motherfucker. I was like bugs were all over her back. Oh my God.

And they were getting stuck on my fingers and shit. I'm like, no. And she was hot. You kept going? Huh? You kept going? The first night, I had to do what I had to do. You know what I'm saying?

It's like a chick with a mustache. You got to do what you got to do, you know what I'm saying? Was she paying for the room? No, I paid through the room. Okay. Once I saw the bug, like, once the bugs hit me and she and I stayed away, when I picked her up, she had a couple on her ass, and that was it for me.

I want to, if I spank that ass, one of those mushrooms is going to blow up. And I'm going to have a thousand fucking tags all over me on my face and my nose. And I remember three, it was a week-long trip. We did like eight different rooms. And like, by night three, she's like, she was telling me that she sucked dick. Like, I really enjoy it and all this shit because I'm like, that's great. But I'm going to feel your head and you're going to have a tag on your head and I'm going to lose it. So.

Oh, my God. What possessed you? How long had you known her? She was sweet, very sweet. I got a long gray with a, the tags bothered me. And then I moved to Los Angeles, and we spoke a few times.

She was like, I'm coming to L.A. to visit you. You better bring a double baiting suit because everybody's got their back exposed here. Those fucking dots, they'll blow up in the sun. You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God.

Fucking. I can't even imagine what that would look like. Lee, and I tell people all the time, the life of comedy, man, is a trip inside a trip. And when you realize that, when you forget about cameras and TVs and you just go on these road trips and places

where nobody's going to watch you, you just meet interesting people. God just puts these people, and you can write material about them. Like, I've never told that story. No, I just remember that story. Like, Becky said to me one night, you have so many stories.

They go, it's comedy, Becky. It's not my life. Yeah. It's the shit that I put in. But, you know, when you get in the car and you end up in Kansas City, what the fuck do you know from Kansas City? You're from Jersey. You're from Hudson County.

You know how threw rocks into the ocean and mug people. You don't know about Kansas City or corn or grits or nothing. You don't know nothing. It's not until you meet different people. And you can wake up with different women. You know, you wake up, dog, I walk up with a girl that was tall and I was hot and fuck. And she was shooting heroin in the toes. You know, what do you want me to do?

I ate a monkey. We fucked a little bit with no condom. I don't know what I got, but if I got it, fuck, I left it in Idaho. You know what I left it in Montana. Yeah,

are you going to wear a condom on the road? Give me that dirty pussy and shit. You know. She was mid shooting up as you woke up, like you opened your eyes. Listen to me. Listen to me. It's the first night of a triple run.

I got an eight-week run. In a row? Yeah, I'm doing eight weeks in a row in a car with a chick. Oh, shit. With a chick. Oh, God. With the crazy redhead.

Okay. She's drinking. I don't know what they're doing. I'm like, there's no way about none. Let me just drive. I'm putting cigarettes out. I look around her clothes. I got a thousand cigarettes.

She kept telling me, how come I'm losing blouses. Dog, even this. You don't see this on the TV show. I just kept smoking. And I would throw the cigarettes. Why would you throw it up?

She's passed out when I'm like, it smells like fire. Like a week later, and she's like, I don't know where my blouses are. Did you see? Oh, I thought you fucking blouse in my crossdresser. And the first night, we left from Houston, drove all the way to Montana.

Damn. Oregon, it was a couple of those. And the first night we go to the fucking this Montana room. Now, you and I and George, I'm telling you from my heart, I expected to do a room and go back to my, do the show and go back to my room. Maybe have a beer with Jody or a shot at to Walker or whatever the fuck she was. drinking that night. And that was my night. Now, I get to this club, and this girl is gorgeous.

She's the owner's daughter. 5-11, 5-12, 6-feet, blonde, big, beautiful, with a miniskirt on and cowboy boots, that girl comes up to me, and she goes, listen, I'm like, yeah, if you need anything. I mean anything, I got you covered. Okay. So when the feature is up, I went over to him,

I go, let me talk to you, what can you again? She goes, what do you need? go for start of some weed I get that I have it here in 10 minutes and I was embarrassed to ask her about the coke and I go fuck I can get some coke

she could get you some dynamite coke it's an apeal and before I turn she goes I can also get you a $50 bag of heroin like baby's bad I'll see you after the show

I gave her money for the apeal and I gave her money for weed and she goes I'll meet you back in your room are you staying at this hotel and I go joy show these days too next door you know so yeah i dog jody's next door this girl's coming over i'm not thinking i see the girl she's 20 years younger than me it's nothing's gonna happen i didn't know she shot her she came back to the room and i go let's go next door to joddy's so i felt better with her and in jodys

when we took out the coke and started snorting she goes you guys mind if i pop a rig up no go ahead so she was over there shooting heroin i gave a little bit of coke and we were me and jody was snorting, giggling, talking. An hour and a half later. We've got to get up at six in the morning. She leaves. I give Jody a kiss. I go to my room, lock the door.

In 20 minutes, the phone rings in my room. You still got Coke left. I'm coming back. Come back. She called the hotel back then. I said, come back. It was like 2.30. So there was no sleep. We did the heroin, the Coke. She brought back like a case of beers.

In the morning, she looked like a model. I couldn't even tell she was doing age I just got in the car and left never talked to her again I sit here some nights and I go what does that woman think to me?

Does she remember that? Because I barely remember unless I really think about it one night me and Lee were talking outside the office I was shaking. Remember that night? I was shaking.

I was just unloading on Lee 25 years of what I saw just unloading. It was by your house It wasn't the office. On the side. It was right by your North Hollywood

We got home at 10 and we were out there until two. Just fucking smoking weed and Lee was like, well Lee, that's 20 years of fucking comedy. You know, being at the comedy store and seeing a woman, like somebody asked me, what, did you really learn a lot of the comedy store? I learned a lot about comedy,

but I also learned a lot about life and there. A lot more than comedy, life. I saw engage women, dog. Get up, go to the bathroom, give a guy a blowjob, and go right back to that table with the engagement guy. He's like, yeah, this comics are funny.

No. I saw that 10 times. My wife saw it. We all saw it at the store. You saw the crazy women that were coming and take their clothes off. You see how comics behave when you start doing a little bit better than they do. They start throwing remote. You have to learn how to navigate yourself through that.

So it's a lot, but I learned a lot. It just wasn't about stand-up. It was about psychology, human nature, what makes people what makes Nick come up to me and said, hey man, you got any Coke? And I give Nick half of what I got. And three weeks later, the lead calls me and says, I was in a meeting with Nick. He was pitching the show.

And I asked him if he was using you. And he looked at me, he goes, that Coke had in the meeting. That's what you live with. You be people who are just going to tie you up. So you learn to get your little group, nothing outside of that. You know, these are all fucking people who give you shitty gigs. Get there. You're at the end after the Mambo band.

You know, that's what happened when your mom came to see me in the rascals. Do you remember that at Carolines? I followed the Mabo band. We didn't get out of it until one in the fucking morning on a Wednesday night. You know, and you get the people that aren't in your corner. And you learn how to live in a habitat with them without telling them, go fuck your mother. But you always remember what they did to you. And one day you look at them and go, hey, cuck, sucker.

Remember that? I ain't mad at you. I know you tried to do this to me. And that's Hollywood. You know, I mean, look at these two idiots. We're best friends. They did the tour together. And when Bernie Mac got Oceans 11, fucking whatever went behind his back and called the producers and said, I could do it better and cheaper.

No. Paul Harvey. No. Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey. No. You didn't know that? That's why they all ate them now.

Oh. That's what a comic does. You know, when a comic dies, there's comedians. They don't even say. Don't just call that club and go. dog, I was on the website. He got those dates. Let me get those dates.

Jesus. You know, shit like that. And you're like, they got to just, they sold their soul to get to where they are. I'm fine with that. I'm fine with that. But those are the things you learn along the way. You learn when people lie to you.

I tell you guys that, I don't know what she's going to do. But I hope that she does go to St. John Vienn. So she comes out with an associate because that year, I'm going to sit down and tell you. You can stay here for rent free. Don't go to school. But you got to do something face to face with people, whether it's cars.

I don't care what you make. I don't care if you make no money. Tell me what you want a week and I'll give it to you. But you got to do that for a year to learn. And comedy doesn't tell you. You learn that shit when you're in year three. Thank God I sold cars. People are like, well, coming back later.

We'll go get the check. And all soon you see him with the car driving from Chevy. Yeah. Beep, beep, what happened? You know, because you believed them. And there's your friends going, hey, Nick, you ain't leaving this lot. Yeah, but I got to go and talk to my. Leave your watch.

Leave a shoe, leave something. You're not leaving here. Leave your trade car. Throw the keys up on the roof. Remember those stories in Denver? You know, you're not prepared for that. That's a hard-hitting comedy. When you sit in a room and they pick everybody else,

and then they go, all right, that's the end of the show. And you sat there all night for three hours. It doesn't feel good. No. And I've been there. Doesn't fucking feel. Me too, yeah. It sucks.

You know, how many times did George go with me to gigs in Seek's Seacawkers and fucking Luna Park over here, whatever this place was over here, where I ate a bag of dicks. That's it. You're not going to be great from the fucking beginning, but you just learn how to deal with it. You know, when I was in my first three years, if I took a bomb, oh, I'd go do an ounce of Coke. I had to drink a case of beer. It's the end of the world. Now I bomb, like, oh, I'm not going to sleep.

Oh, is I still get pissed off? Yeah, we all do for a minute or two. Like, I'm still pissed at the show at Red Bank. To this day, still pissed. Still pissed off about that show. I went up there on fucking thinking. I was high. I thought I could pull it off.

There's no, I didn't have the comedy thing going yet. You know, you learn, you're going to get burnt. They offered me that date, Carteret on December 26th. But now I'm like scratcher since he canceled for it. Nothing. You got to come in and have me next time. You know what I'm saying? Sure.

Yes. But that's what the problem with comedy is. and we just got into comedy. You were a fucking editor. You worked by yourself. Look at a film. What the fuck do you know about people going, all right?

You know, come on up. And then you get up there and you're like, fuck, I forgot to ask me about a hotel. And then you go, is there a hotel? I ain't no fucking hotel. And you're like, what am I going to do now? I got $55 on my ATM card to have and take a guess. See, like, I don't have any kids

so I don't want to say I disagree with you. But the one thing that you said that I, you said that you'd give her money, if she's living with you, I actually think it'd be good. kind of good for her to be broke for a year working, like, as a server. It's 20 years from now. It's really not, though.

I thought the conversation were talking about it. You just said that, though. No, no, no, I said it as a comparison. Okay. For what I would like for her to do, but none of that shit's going to happen. She was talking already the other day that she don't want to go to St. John's because they don't have a film program. So leave me to fuck alone.

That's why I'm not going to sit here with you and argue about it. Because it changes every day. When you have a child, the plans change every day. George, every day. So leave me the fuck alone. I'm just giving you an example. Okay. What I mean I gave him money.

You know, I'm not going to give a million dollars a week. What do you make over there? 300 if I sell the car, I'll give me 400. You know, so she doesn't feel because she ain't going to sell no fucking cars. Unless she gets really good and that animal comes out. Right. And that's great too. But I wanted to have some type of social skills.

Like we did. George could sell a fucking ice cube to an Eskimo. I put a gun to his head. That's when he don't talk about pizza or nothing. No nothing. I put a gun to his head. sell that picture, watch this motherfucker go. And I'll tell him to sell it for 100,

he'll oversell. He'll fucking drop a frame with gold, Liza Minnelli. That's the rules, you know. That's how life is. You don't learn that by watching TV or in college. You learn that by dealing with people on a daily basis. Can you imagine if you're a bookmaker? Could you imagine if you're a loan shark

what you've got to put up with every Thursday? Did you see, what was that movie? The Irishman. I got to go. My mother. Your mother's died 3,000. times around. Yeah. You don't come. What time are you going to be in the mark 12?

If you're not here, I'm going to bust your fucking head. You know, you hear shit that you can't even repeat. When people owe you money, and that's like that dude in the Pope Greenwich Village, how come nobody keeps me waiting when they're looking to borrow? Right? When you're looking at bar and they go, show up at six. You're there at 55. Me, me, me, me.

You're out of tension when I walk in. You salute me. Two weeks later, meet me at six to pay me. Oh, I got to work overtime today. Oh, my kid is sick. I told you six o'clock every Thursday. Six o'clock, but... They're a good example.

That this is what it is. As comics sometimes, that's a hell of a shock. You know how they say people quit Jiu-Jitsu after a blue belt? A lot of people quit the first five years because it's such a big transition. If you can't handle me calling you in a lonely, come on. We're going to Pittsburgh tomorrow. But what am I going to tell the people at the printing job?

Tell them you're not coming in tomorrow. That's it. You quit. You're on a road. You want to be a comic? What are you going to do? That's why you said something to me last week and I have one solution. Okay.

It's over. You got to quit this job. Pretty soon. That holds you down. You don't feel it, but we have a ton of friends and had a day job. They never got no wood. Because they forgot about their love instead of peanuts. they fucking worried about peanuts

I gotta pay my phone and if you don't then I'm gonna throw you up but I'd rather you do what you love and be a little broke that's how you learn to make money when I'm broke fucking selling cars I'm gonna learn real quick how to sell a fucking car

when I'm broke doing comedy I'm gonna at least figure it out hey I got a room how many guys do you know and I don't even doing comedy a year and they're making 5,000 a year fucking book it open mics doing stupid shit.

And meanwhile, you're sitting there, I don't know about the pine, I'm not putting you down. I'm putting anybody down that has a dream. At some point, for that dream to work, you got a cut.

I mean cut. If you hit me with, well, I'm going to do it one day a week. Your foot's still in there. So you're not, your heart's not going to be in that, you see this fucking carpet? Right.

If I stand on this carpet, hold my ground, that's great. If I stand in that middle and put one leg down, one leg there, what am I fucking accomplishing? And it's the same time.

Dog, I held the job for eight years. I had child, And one day I had to go, you know what, she don't even let me see the kid anyway. Fuck child support. I'm going to learn how to do fucking comedy. And I'll send her whatever the fuck I get. And you know what? At the rate I'm doing this, if I get anywhere, I'll pay a child support in 20 years.

I didn't give a fuck. She's not going to put me in jail. She's not going to, I don't even get the fucking kid. I'm sending 6.35 a month snort and coke off a fucking roof on the floor, you know. I should be picking up gold from the streets and put it in my nose. The point is that that's, it just, and we know a lot of people who kept the day job because after a while, I need my insurance.

Bro, when you do comedy, there ain't no insurance. There ain't no insurance. I did comedy for 10 years on the road, broken teeth. Give me your name and pray for the best. Put it on the tab. There's a lot of other shit on there, too. If I ever hit, I'll clean up. Dude, fucking, what's his name?

There's a comic in L.A. Very cool, dude. He got famous on TikTok during the, a pandemic, but he had a Josh with an R. Nice dude in Hollywood, but he had a joke that used to give me anxiety. He's like, every time I saw him,

he was in X amount of debt, it was like 80 grand. He just didn't give a fuck anymore. That's it. You cannot. And he's like, I'm either gonna make it or I'm gonna fucking die. Listen, bro, when I left Colorado,

I was an $180,000. And I was gonna pay a dime of it. I was like, because I heard an expression if they can't put you in debt as prison. There's no prison for people to owe money. And I didn't, I wouldn't file for bankruptcy. I just said, fuck it. This is part of life.

And at the end, I did some sick shit. I was financing an Accura. And I fucking went in that same bank and cashed a $1,000 Discover check. The account was closed. They called the cops on you for that shit. They called them one. And they go, you got like eight hours

to bring the fraud. to bring the $1,000 done. They don't give you fucking eight hours now. I don't have eight hours. They said, okay, we're going to tack it on to your car. I never paid that car off. I just left it in the garage. I don't know where that car is today.

I never heard from them. Not a postcard from Accura. Nothing. I get one now. I even went to look at an Accura, and I put my name down for them to run on the computer. I'm like, I don't know. I had an Accura in 91.

Beautiful. Beautiful, Accura was a pussy machine. Had a tremendous. There was white with blue interior. I was slinging dick in the sticks of boulders. I had the luxury package. Oh, my God. The Dominican stereo in there, speakers.

Ba-p-p-pah-da-da-da. When my ex-wife saw that car, she had a fucking heart attack. What happened to the truck? Truck? I ain't no cowboy, bitch. That was your posed to board by? I need a slinging dick car. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, my God. She hated me for it every day. Was it a sedan? It was a two-dog. Cool. Nice, beautiful, with the nice rims. When I banged the car up, I had a fucking rob a dealership to get the good rims and put it on there.

Mike Kessler. I had to leave my car in the garage, pump it, take the old rims off. Each rim was $2,200. I'm not paying for that. They were like high-end rims that the kid put on the car before he sold it to me. So I'm on the way to Dember Nugget.

I hit black ice and I fucking damage one of the tires and the tie was going to boob-boom. Like the whole thing was burnt. So I got somebody to fix it, but then the tie, the rim was fucked up. So we're like, how am I going to get a room for $2,200? I go, why steal one when we could steal four of them? So I fucking jock the car with my man, Mike.

We took two tires first. I went to daytime. I used to do damage at that dealership. I'm not going to tell you the name. I robbed it. Thank God. Single-handedly, I robbed it. I busted.

And I went on a Friday, and they were talking about bonuses for the next day. They had to go get cash at the bank. I heard that fucking thing. Later that night, I went over it, and I broke around the back. It was an act-eber deal. The door was wide open. I walked in there, found the spiff box, took everything out of there, 400. The next day somebody for the dealership, called me and goes,

Joey, did you rob the dealership last night? Because they're blaming it on the little Wayne Means. I'm like, no, I didn't touch that dealership. And when he saw him, we started like, goes, I know you robbed it. That sounds like you also worked at this dealership. I worked there at the Subaru side earlier. And then I got into an argument with the manager and I quit. And then they, at the prison, they put me on the accurate side.

They go, we'll give you another job. Get the promotion after going to prison. I don't know. They liked me. So I went back over there and I got the accurate job and I lasted like a month and a half. Well, yeah, because you were robbing the place. Not really. No, I was a salesman.

I robbed a place when I stopped working there and I needed money that's some of the pay the rest. Oh, you weren't even working there. No. And I went up there to see my friend. And while I'm there, this idiot tells the other idiot, you got to go to the bank and get deposit money for the mall for Spips. I missed the part, but you were there to see your friend. Like fucking Josh Wolf used to say, being Joey Diaz.

Remember being John Malkovich? Being Joey Diaz. This isn't a regular conversation, all this is a regular conversation. All this is a committee in the end of the bar. I just picked up a thousand dollars. I'm going to hide it in my car overnight. I can hear that shit. Teat, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, do.

Robbery in progress right there. I'm one of those dudes. When I was robbing, I was just listen. That's it. You just listen. And people are that stupid to just say that much stuff in public? Yeah, if they're going to talk that much stuff public, you might as well rob.

I got ten of these down on the warehouse on West End. Really? Let's go look at it. Speaking of which, I was just thinking about it, I'm definitely taking this money out of my wallet now. Two days later, you're at West End, but they come back to the bar. Somebody broke in. Come on. Come on.

Come on. You had an alarm system. Oh, yeah, we got cameras. Listen, I burnt those fucking cameras, okay? I had an electrician to go on there for me and gave him ten points of the fucking cut. Holy shit. What are we talking about? I don't know.

Something's in my eye to him. Yeah, your eyes always fucked up. He's telling him, like, I need no room. My eyes, I want to smack you. No, dude, I was fucked up. Shut up, bitch. And they put him on the pest law. And he was fine.

Dude, first of all, you jinx me. Wednesday before the flight, you're like, listen, you haven't had bronchitis in a while. It's time to bring it back. It's been like five years. He hasn't no bronchitis. I don't have bronchitis, but I got there. And it's a very nice.

I'm not talking shit about the hotel. No, the hotel was nice. And I had a room with. the balcony. It's like, I thought the fucking, I thought Hitler hit you with the mace. I was fucked up. I should have changed rooms.

And what they said is it was a pet-friendly floor. And I get like really allergic to dogs and cats are used to. When you got up there, you weren't allergic to that floor. No, but I like, and this is the second time it's happened. We're like,

you ever get an allergy attack that turned into a cold? So like, that's what happened. Um, I don't know. What the fuck were, oh, no,

yeah. I don't want to make an issue. Dude, I don't know if you even know this. I did cause an issue one time. Well, not even the one you're thinking about in Vegas. I caused an issue the first time ever in Austin. And I got, oh, I've never told anyone this story. No, we don't want to need to hear it.

And that's too late. Okay. Save it for therapy next week, Cogsucker. Okay. Look at this shape of you. What do you got this week? I got, I got Foxwood with you. No, no, beside that.

And I got, I think I got Luxor, lounge on Sunday. Luxembourg. Then next week, Lexington, Kentucky. No sex all week? Well, you got Thursday night with me,

the bucket. I can't go that night. Why not? What are you doing? It's my wife's birthday. I'll be around New York, but, you better get it together.

Working on it. Fucking make it out with a chubby chick. Every once in one, we're going to take one for the team. You know what I'm saying? No idea. And it really wasn't even make out. It was like a kiss and a hug and a nice,

a nice, good taste of popcorn. And the hot and the ton of shit. Nah, mine, she was very sweet. God bless her, you know, people, come and go, man. That's a part of growing up. I'll be at Foxwoods and then tickets go on sale. Well, they went on sale last night at 7 o'clock for Austin 19. There ain't going to be no tickets left.

So, it's only 200 seats. So that's going to be fun. It'll be 7 o'clock show. That's it. Get out of there. Go get some tacos. Friday, wake up, stem cell. Saturday, go to fucking thing.

I see Eddie. Eddie's coming in Friday nights. I'm excited about that. I got him and all his shit's coming out true. People are saying he was crazy. He talked about Pizza Gate. He talked, now they're making videos about it. That he was fucking right. All those consp-that is,

as long as there's a war, they can't relieve the Epstein file. He was saying this four years ago. Three years ago when I was down there. He was talking about things that were going on now. And they all pertained to that file. Fucking tremendous shit. Here's some conspiracy theories.

I haven't heard one Your favorite. Two years. So with him, it's always great. And I'll be back Saturday night before that. And then a month later, I get the knee taken out.

I'll be walking around like a gimp, but I'm looking forward to me. Yeah. I can't imagine. Start from scratch. The shit's going to break any day, though. I'm telling you guys,

this shit, I don't want to call you in two weeks and go, dog, I'm in the hospital. They're doing emergency surgery. This bone broke. It feels fucked up. It just cracked.

You heard it? You guys earn it? Should we not be walking much anymore at all? No, no, I'm going to sit at home and get 80 pounds on me and not walk. Fuck you. Why have you eaten 80 pounds? Because that's what happens when you stop exercising for some bullshit injury. Your legs are going to snap?

Listen, it hasn't a snap yet. It's like the old thing. We've got to take this to all America for us to succeed as Americans. Everybody wants to make America beautiful. This is how it was when I was growing up. You're sick, come to work, puke at work, and I'll let you go on. Okay. Well, fair.

So I'm going to give up now I'm going to give up I can't walk I can't I was doing deadlips today I'm going to give up I'm going to sit in home until the surgery and fucking eat dilly dally and then I'll be eight years away from I'll be 68.3

right now I'm at 63.4 holding steady Yeah but are you making this decision or is a doctor involved in this at all of you doing dead lifts on half of a leg? No people tell you they'll tell you to stay home so listen to them fuck him Fuck him.

I got to keep my dick alive, number one. And number two, you've got to go into that surgery stronger than ever. Because you're going to be in that hospital for a night. And then you're going to assume you're going to be home for four or five days. And you think it's hard to build muscle. See how quick it is to lose muscle after us. I'm not saying to do nothing, but... So I'll be there at home with a fucking dumbbell for two days.

Just doing knees, just because it helps you heal the body quick. What about the things? You just lay your leg on, and you like kneel and it has leg. for the troll. All right, ladies and gentlemen. You heard it off. I don't know. It's going to be all right.

Another fun-filled fucking podcast, the church of what's happening now. New Testament on a beautiful fucking Tuesday. It's going to be 70 degrees again tomorrow. Then whatever happens happens. I don't give a fuck, Jack. I love you, Lee. Have a great week.

And we'll see you next week. And we'll see you next week. Tip Top Magoo with Alberto Crane. Say good night, Lee. Good night. Stay bye.