Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - It's time for your next confession

Episode Date: December 10, 2024

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt, solo like the old days. Joey and Lee talk about celebrity sex parties, why Joey loves idiots, what it was like taking his daughter to his show, and much more! Support the show and try BlueChew for free, just pay $5 shipping. Head to https://www.bluechew.com Exclusive $35-off Carver Mat with code JOEY at https://www.AuraFrames.com Support the show and get $100 instantly in Casino Credits with just a $10 wager. Download the DraftKings Casino app & use code JOEYSLOTS Try VIIA with code JOEY at https://bit.ly/viiacheckin

What's happening you savages it's tuesday december the 10th. It's the church new testament. We got a tremendous show for you tonight, but let's get this party started. What's happening you savages the church new testament today is brought to you by Bluechew. Listen some people want to have a polymorph for christmas some people just want a big strong firmer dick. If you're ready to get in on this Christmas, you need BlueChu. BlueChu is an online service that sends a chewable form of the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis at a huge discount like your little helmet's gonna get when you take BlueChu. Just sign up on their website, talk to one of the licensed medical providers and once you're approved, you'll get your prescription within days So listen I forgot my little package I always have a little package with me

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Again, that's BlueTooth.com to receive your first month on the arm. Visit BlueTooth.com for more details and important safety information. I also want to thank BlueTooth for sponsoring the show and making you guys into young Marines. What's happening beautiful people? We're here for another fun filled Tuesday morning. There's no guest today.

We just want to catch up with you and tell you what's been going on. As usual, my beautiful co-host is here, Mr. Lee Boogaloo-Siat. How's it going? Good, man. How are you? I'm great, dude.

It's been, it hits me in waves that I'm here. I just never, I didn't, I always wanted to be here, but then even I get to see you. I see you a couple times a week now. It's just great. I mean, just, you ever have like a couple months of life that like no shitty things happen? Yep.

I'm in the middle of like one of those like nothing too shitties happened in a while and I've just been enjoying it. Like, you know, there's ups and downs, but like right now it's like, oh, if life was like this, there's no depression. It's funny, life has a lot of ups and downs and there's ups and you're down.

And sometimes you don't know it. Like I have a friend that's going, I'm having the worst year of my life. And she did. She had a couple of things happen, but you have to look at the other side of that. You have your kids, they're healthy. You know everybody's eating, nobody's not working.

You know, you gotta look at the good and the bad together. Yeah, some fucking days are better than others. I got up every morning, you know. This new thing that I've been doing lately really changed me. You know, one of the best guests we ever had on the podcast was? Who?

Rudy Sarso. He's fantastic. I learned a lot from Rudy. And during the pandemic, Rudy and I used to talk a lot. And we'd discuss. He went back on tour with Quiet Ride. He's a guy that's done everything in his life. And one day he goes, you know what?

I'm going to get back together with my original band. And he always told me it was a labor of love. And that's why I did what I did because I started the year off just doing spots up. Open mics and one-nighters and my friend's comedy shows, just doing sets. And I would say to myself, unless I wanna go to an open mic,

it's not gonna work for me. If I'm gonna start this bad thing of just getting, doing comedy for money, that's not going to work. I got to start doing comedy because I fucking love it. And I'm to the point now where I'm in love with comedy. I'm not in love with the business of comedy. So I had to separate all that shit. Right.

And we're having fun. And for those of you listening who've never been to an open mic, all people at my level want to do is get out of open mics. And if you ask 100 headliners, there's not going to be many of them who want to go back to open mics. Like I don't, you said that if you don't want to go to an open mic, you're not going to want to whatever. No.

I don't want to go to open mics and I still go. Like, going to an open mic is you have to go sucks You know, it's like riding the subway in New York. You can take a limo They want somebody take the subway and it reminds you who the fuck you are from time to time I think the I think the open mic might be the the bus Listen an open mic reminds you of how shitty your life used to be when you first started like I have you know I do those open mics in Freehold and I do the one at Uncle Vinny's next week.

I don't do it for me. I do it because these young guys can now say that they open for me on their resume, you know what I'm saying? And number two, it's a solid open mic. It's not like an open mic with nobody there. That's what comics do for years We just go to these spots and do comedy and there's nobody there but other comics and they blow smoke up your ass

That's a funny joke. No, it's not. Okay, there's always that one dude. He's like a burn victim Who sits in the second row and shit? He goes there, you know that customer that goes to the bar every fucking week You always have that one good Guy that's up in the front or the third row. But besides that open mic suck So that's why I started I told Dino I go Dino. Let's do an open mic a freehold There's a lot of action down there. They got a little room The little room is great and we could do it once or twice a month and the headliners could come down in that line Try out their new material for 30 minutes get a little paycheck

and everybody gets home by 930 time everybody did that you don't have to stay there till 11 what am I going on you're number 38 and we're on number three fuck yeah you know you got to go to work the next day I don't do that open mic that we didn't freehold for some and I there were there were good comics it's nothing against their comedy but for some of the people who were there and performing that would be like the biggest show they ever do yeah and that and it's so cool and that like making somebody's day yeah and comedy so now somebody's gonna make your day some somebody's gonna call you when they go hey we're doing tomorrow I

got two days on a movie shoot for you mean we're gonna you know why did he pick me because a couple weeks ago you put a couple open mic is on stage right and you paid like 2 or 3 of them with now you make them professional and then mine they've been taking a beat they got to pay for parking they got to pay for the soda they got to pay for everything now some guys given us 40 bucks 20 bucks, you know because I remember that I remember the first time some

of the game me 20 bucks to do comedy almost shot myself. Yeah, I could I couldn't I remember that I remember the first time somebody gave me 20 bucks to do comedy. I almost shot myself Yeah, I couldn't I couldn't I couldn't even do the speed limit on the way home. I was doing a hundred I couldn't wait to call my friends. I'm a pro. You're not a pro Joey knock it off But now you know what it feels you feel like I remember when I came to do skankfest years ago way before the pandemic Felipe was headlining Caroline's. And you called him and he let me do a guest set and he gave me 30 bucks.

I think it was my first paid set in New York. I got 30 bucks and I got to perform at Caroline's before it closed. I didn't know it was gonna close, but it means, like that's the coolest thing for me about going on the road with people is like, I spend half of my time daydreaming about what? I'll do for people who open for me

Like cuz you've been obviously great to me. Josh has been great to me Everyone like honestly, I haven't really had a bad headliner yet. I've had some people who I don't I didn't love but they weren't gonna work with people who are just miserable fucking people and I mean, you're gonna work with people who are just miserable fucking people. And you know, they're just fucking miserable. Things didn't work out for them. And now they go to a small town and they pull their weight. You follow me? Because in LA, nobody talks to them.

But now when they go to Kansas City or Wyoming, they're like, fuck you guys. I don't want nobody cursing them. And you're like, what happened here? You know? Me with comedy comedy is not a money business. It's a making some of these day business Life is a making some of these day business and it's just simple things with comedy that I remember You know when you do you know how all I remember about comedy is feeling fucking bad for a long time Just feel shitty about yourself. You go, you do a spot,

then you gotta go to your job in the morning. And now this guy's telling you, and in the back of your head, you're like, I can't wait just to do standup comedy. Now you start losing, like you don't care about insurance. You don't care about the rent. You don't care about your car payment. You're like, I just don't wanna do this job no more.

And I can't wait to work as a professional. And I remember somebody told me Martin Lawrence is making $10,000 a week as a host. In 1993, 1990, he was making 10 grand a week as a host of Comic View or whatever was on HBO, Deaf Comedy Jam. of Comic view or comic whatever was on HBO. Oh Def comedy. Jim. I was like $10,000 When I started comedy what I do for ten thousand dollars I would slice your fucking neck at that time on stage for ten thousand fucking dollars man $10,000 and and you sit there and go because we we're losers, you go, well, I'll never hit that plateau.

That's what you say. You'll go like, that's great for Martin Lawrence. It must be a great feeling, but I'll never hit that plateau. And that's how you look at it. And then 20 years later, you're not getting 10 grand, but you're probably getting 3,500. And you're like, damn. Damn, it feels good to be a gangster. Holy shit. later, you're not getting 10 grand, but you're probably getting 3,500. And you're like, damn. Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.

Holy shit. It's cool. Anytime I get a check from any comedy club, it's like 400 bucks. I'm like, this is cool as shit. This is really fun. Yeah, you can just go. And I know people at home are going,

Lee, somebody gave me $30, that's cheap. No, no, no. Because these people don't give you nothing. There's places that you go and you get the dinner tab It's a hundred percent you had a drive there park there and now they're charging you 28 for the fuck It's got child salmon some fucking dry piece of salmon. They caught up some pencil Well anybody what about trying to eat a piece of salmon from a comedy club should be shot and hung anyway Okay, don't eat salmon from a calm. Don't even take the chance

should be shot and hung anyway, okay? Don't eat salmon from a comp. Don't even take the chance. Don't do the little Linguini and clam sauce. Nothing with that, because you might be fucking sick for a year. Stick to the stupid stuff, pizza, and even that, pretzels. What about the clubs that charge you to perform? I just got, and I'm not gonna name the club,

I signed up for a show, and they said if you brought a certain number of people, you would definitely see the Booker would watch you. I didn't read Far Enough Down, but said if you brought a certain number of people, you would definitely see the book or would watch you. I didn't read far enough down, but you needed to bring a certain number of people to perform. It was a full on bringer and they wouldn't let me perform because I was just trying to go to do some edits. So the fact that anyone gives you even $10 is great. A lot of times I just go, like people ask me like, how much are you getting paid for

this show? I'm like, that didn't ask and then when they pay you like I got a hundred bucks the other week for doing a show and a dispensary that was fucking awesome but I was just it was like a Hanukkah morning it was a surprise like any I'm at the point now of comedy and I wear like any money is just like money you find in a jacket it's like a surprise money. That's it. That's it.

Yeah. And you look at it like that for years. And you're like, oh my God, finally, I could pay my car payment through Incomming. You're like, wow. And I could pay my car payment and do a Gram a week. Wow. You understand?

Holy shit. I'm so happy that I never had anything. The worst thing I have is food. But I can't imagine trying to... Food? You don't even know what's in your system. What I put in there without you watching. Put in what? What did you put in my thing?

Everything. You've done heroin. You've done every fucking... Oh, I know that. You gave me cat tranquilizers. I gave you fucking my toenail dust. I shaved the toenail dust. I shaved the toenail, put it on your little joint, you over there smoking it like Benny Hanna looking good. You know what I'm saying? We've had some interesting fucking guests, man.

Oh yeah. The last few weeks and it was a breath of fresh air. I got more of those guys coming in, but I wanted to give you guys a breather just to inhale what you saw the last couple of weeks and get ready for what we got coming up. You know what I'm saying? Like it's just, I got a lot of these guys and they come on, we're gonna tell a lot of fucking secrets.

We're gonna talk about shit you never heard before. And that's what this is about now. This isn't about, I don't really want big time celebrities in here. I don't want half the people you see. Every day I get emails, put Theo on. Listen, if I put Theo on, it's the same shit everybody else is doing for right now. So for right now, we're going off a different fucking set of rules. And listen, man, everything's changing.

I mean, everything's about to fucking change. It's December 10th, you got 14 shoplifting days. Enjoy it, have a good time with your family because shit's gonna change January 20th. I can't wait for the 21st. You're gonna wake up to fucking, Corre, corre, a bunch of Spanish people flying through the air.

What's corre? Helicopters the air. What's Corre? Helicopters. What's Corre? Run motherfucker. You know, and they're scared. People are fucking scared. If you've seen the fucking Mexicans are starting fucking to leave on their own lately. Have you noticed that?

Go to a restaurant. They're not as quick as they were two years ago. Even before after COVID. That's it. I just went to Home Depot today and the Americans didn't know what I was talking about I missed them. Spanish people are scared. They're like, you know what we're gonna get thrown out You know what we're gonna leave on our own Why are they gonna have to put me in a cage with some fucking guy with leprosy down at that fucking border?

You know, I don't need this shit either. That's gonna change and my heart goes out to everybody involved That's gonna change and my heart goes out to everybody involved Really does gonna be a fucking horrible week and already Mayors are opposing it different police people opposing it, you know, and it's gonna be interesting a lot of things are gonna fucking change But me I'm fine. I'm golden like a motherfucker. I ain't on the ditty list I ain't on the Epstein list. I ain't on nobody's list. How good does it feel not to be on a list? It's a bullshit. It's all bullshit. Like last night they released more info.

This poor bastard, Brooklyn's own fucking Brooklyn 666, whatever, Brooklyn 99, he raped a 13-year-old girl. Now these things are going to come out. At the end of the day, nobody really knows what the fuck happened. I love 2B TV. whatever, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, he raped a 13-year-old girl. Now these things are gonna come out. At the end of the day, nobody really knows what the fuck happened. I love 2B TV. You ever put your TV on lately?

Diddy's Takedown, episode three. He hasn't even gone to court yet. And people are just spackling. And this is why, guys, don't put, you don't know what happened. And right now, people are fucking coming out of the woodwork. Now you're gonna hear all the lawsuits How many fucking lawsuits did did he get after he the video came out of him throwing Cassie around?

Right now they all want to raise their hand and you know what this goes back to the old rule and I hate to say this but If you get raped on a Tuesday night, you better be at the doctor's office Wednesday morning And if you didn't go or somebody told you not to do it or whatever, now you wanna come out and make sure tough harder and make sure case harder. And it makes so many fucking things harder now. But a lot of things are gonna fucking change.

But for you people who are waiting for list and who's on the Epstein list, listen, you're never gonna see it. Just go play the picket. Try to hit the three numbers on that, you'll be fine. Don't worry about Epstein. I can't wait for the ditty. It's all bullshit, guys. They're never gonna release it?

Who knows what they're gonna do. Everybody wants them to release the list to go, I knew Oprah was a freak. Look at that fat fuck go. Look at how she's petting that little boy's hair. All that shit, you know. Listen guys, there's so much money involved in that circle. I just don't, the thing I don't understand about Diddy and I haven't followed any of it,

is why is he in charge of music? Like I know he was big, but like, why is he killing? How is he supposedly in charge of all? I know he was big, but why is he killing? How is he supposedly in charge of all this now? Listen, when you throw big parties and people get fucked in the ass, you can tell a lot of people what they're doing. You know what I'm saying? You ever think about that? No.

Right now, I'm a comic. People come up to me and take pictures with me. Can I take a picture? Can I take a picture? Can you imagine if they knew I had parties where people getting fucked in the ass and rubbing baby oil on themselves and shit? You know how popular I am So did you ever think of that? Maybe he was popular Because he was throwing the best parties in the fucking world Yeah, but who I wouldn't would you want to go to a party where there was a chance you were gonna get fucked in the ass

No, and I wouldn't go because that's not my circle But you know we were talking about before listen before, listen, like Lady Gaga came out, I went and when I felt things were going, I left. Listen, Lady Gaga, stop it. Everybody loves a train wreck. There ain't one motherfucker that don't love a train wreck. It's our natural impulse. It's natural.

Can you imagine some party talking to some fucking Gentile of the state of the union? The SOP and also some blonde starts fucking and suck it in the corner What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? You're really gonna um, it's time to leave You're gonna watch that blonde suck that pipe and watch all the women go. She's disgusting. No, she ain't She's doing what you should be doing instead of worrying about Oprah and the view and Joe Rogan should date that's what you should be doing. That's a problem with America Nobody's fucking and sucking no more if people will fuck like at night Either you fucking suck and you stay up and watch CNN

The immigrants did that go fuck your wife go eat her ass Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You're never gonna find out. They will kill your mother before that list comes out. They will take your dad and throw him to the alligators before they even think of releasing that list or any of these fucking lists. How much money does Jay-Z have, guys? He's about to give 20 million to Hell's Kitchen. What do you think, he pays an attorney 250 an hour? He's got a fucking 20 attorneys at a million an hour and it don't even budge him Cuz he'll just be honest. They keep singing bitch

You know I'm saying country. Let's go with Chinese now Something you know I'm saying you could you want you didn't want the ammo for the Grammy. Let's try your Kira music What's that chick? You care. Yeah, you're Kira that other one shaking her ass like I'm supposed to be impressed forever The never I don't like that song. No Dude Shakira when I was like 12 and she was shaking it like there wasn't porn like I could see back then That was basically porn to me. You don't like Shakira Don't look at me like that. She's hot

What's wrong with Shakira? Nothing nothing. But When you were 12, you masturbated to Shakira dancing. Probably not. No pussy shot. This is what I'm dealing with here. What am I supposed to? There was no internet. You're the type of guy that goes to a strip club, to a bikini bar, and goes, this is fun.

It is. This is fun. The cover charge is in his high. They got good drinks. What's wrong with the bikini? I don't want to see a woman in a bikini. You can go to the seaside heights and see every size of woman in a bikini You're gonna see site heights and see every size of woman a bikini big tall fat hairy

The whole fucking thing I'm gonna go to a bikini bar I went to a bikini bar one time because they paid me 50 bucks to do comedy What happened there that night guess who I saw there that night. She fucked the most women ever who Will Chamberlain. Will Chamberlain fucked over 10 million women or some shit. Jesus. He was there. Now, I could have followed him around because I know he's going to get his dicks up. Right? I could have just followed him around all night. And just to watch? Well, maybe to get in there with him. I don't fucking know. Maybe to show him the Cuban agro. I don't fucking know.

But at the same time, when I saw Will Chamberlain, I said, it's time to go. Because there was all white women there. And I didn't want to see a fucking black dick shishabob, a bunch of skinny LA women. I love to see that, like a guy, black dude with a big dick. Just goes through all of them? And four little skinny women,

and he's got the dicks going through that monkey and coming out that muffler and They look like a fucking sparerib. Oh my god. That's a fantasy for me, but not really I did mushrooms yesterday Oh my god, but it's the truth. What do we want as Americans? What black dish is bum? Did you see fucking Bryce Mitchell? Do you see the NA when he beat up crying? He he got up and he goes I'm sorry Joe Rogan. I'm sorry I said things about you. I apologize. But there's only one man who can make America great and that's Jesus Christ.

What did Joe say? Joe just looked at him like oh my my God, I got to stay in Texas more. Oh my God. Dude, speaking of the bikini stuff, have you seen like they have like barber shops, you can go coffee shops where like they walk around in bikinis? Does that sound like fun to you at all? Not at all. Not at all.

It's like going to Hooters and seeing a chick with stockings on. I'm supposed to have a party because she got stockings on and she got her legs in the top. I don't want to see that. I want to see a waitress, not nude, because you have to have imagination. No panties. And when she walks, pubic hairs fell on the floor.

Like fucking, you know the Africans throw flowers when you walk, when you're a king? You ever see coming to America? Back to the future, one of those. Throw fucking flowers. When you were a king, you ever see coming to America? Yeah, I was gonna say. Back to the future, one of those. Come back. Throwing fucking flowers. Back to the future. You know, I want something more.

It's like when you go, you ever go to a place and the chick's got like a bikini bottom but it pressed her out and she's got two things on her nipples, whatever they're called. Pasties. What are they called? Pasties, little stickers, yeah. Pasties.

It kind of, you sit there for an hour going, I wonder what her nipples look like. Like I don't go to strip clubs, and I'll tell you why. What it called pasties a little bit. Yeah, it kind of you sit there for an hour going. Hmm. I Wonder what a nipples look like like I don't go to the club. I'll tell you why why because it started in Vegas I used to work for a sports betting company. They take you to a strip club and I was high You know, I don't think I was doing coke in the place because the guy didn't like us doing drugs But I'm sitting and there's a true story guys I'm sitting there and you know, like after a while you're like, I gotta go give some dollars to the girl. What am I sitting here for?

I might as well go up there. Everybody else is like looking at each other, a bunch of idiots. I go over there, I'm starting to give dollars to the girl. But then she starts shaking her ass and I notice something. She's beautiful for starters, beautiful body, but she's got the tightest little whitehead On her ass cheek and I'm trying to bust this motherfucker Like I would give her anything just to pop you know those little pimples that you know, they're gonna go It's just a tight whitehead. No redness. No nothing You just go and it and it's a little thing on your nail and you just wipe it on your pants

This chick had an ass that was tight But that pimple was even tighter and it was driving me fucking crazy and now when I go to strip clubs I always look at chicks asses Does it want to see if they got a little pimple on their ass to see what's going on? How much would you have paid to pop this pimple the small 20? And what would and what would you have gotten from this just to pop a pimple here we go out Did you ever think of that? No.

Maybe that's fun. I've never wanted to pop anyone's pimple. Fuck. But it's just so weird how we want all this info, you know, and 2025 is going to be a fucking interesting year for a lot of people. Yeah. You know, a lot of people.

People start to leave. Some people staying. You know, a lot of people, people start to leave, some people stay in, you know, these idiots, I'm leaving, you'll be back. You'll be back, you know? I'm gonna leave because my human rights is, it's not a country for women no more, okay? All right, what are we gonna do? I've only been out of the country a couple of times even when I've had fun

As soon as like you're a couple days away from coming back. I can't wait to fucking just be back You know, it's great to go, but it's always better to come back even though this that shit You're like that's enough of this shit these people dancing don't they work No, I don't think they do. That's why I don't go on vacation it's a waste of my time it'll always be a waste of my time I can't just sit there for three days and look at a balcony even with edibles you can't I love you say yeah but how many I could do edibles and sit in my basement and write jokes and watch my TV and play with my cat now you're making me go somewhere else to sit on a balcony look at a beach and eat edibles like an old man You know, I don't have a boat. I

Don't want to walk to a fucking thing, you know, they ain't going to go carts one day Yeah, and after that you like okay, it's over time to go home I'm not good at vacations I'm great at and now with these fucking flights and all this shit. You're not gonna get me going nowhere I don't blame you nowhere nowhere. I'm done. I'm fucking done guys I've had it with flights and you know, they called this week for me to go to LA to shoot something And just going online getting my dog All right, so I call JetBlue, okay?

And they answer, you know. You know, hi, you reached JetBlue. We're grateful that we have your business. Stay on hold, and then they come back on. If this is Spanish, dial 9. Okay. If you're booking a reservation, press 1. If you're doing this, press 2. If you're doing this, dial nine. Okay. If you're booking a reservation, press one. If you're doing this, press two.

If you're doing this, press three. Okay. It's a seven minute wait. No problem. I go pop a pimple. I go put a bandaid on my ear, right? In those seven minutes, every 30 seconds, somebody come on. If you want faster service,

we could call you back. I don't want you to call me back, let's just do this now. It's seven fucking minutes every 30 seconds. If you want, we could have whatever call you back on the same number on hold, you won't lose your place. I don't want, listen, I already see the by the way coming. Well, by the way. Ready?

Okay. Beep. Hello. Hi. Hi, I want to know how come there's no flights out of Newark or if I could book a flight from Newark to LAX. And all of a sudden she was from a complete different fucking country.

And what you heard was like saw machines, there was drones going on in the background. background because she was like what's your name? Jose How do you spell that and then I listen can do me a favor can I just have the fucking my code For mosaic. Can I just have my mosaic code? I can't find my fucking card Give me your email dog Took me 18 minutes Beas no

Beas Beas be V. No, what's my name Jose Diaz? Okay Okay, that's a start. D-I-A-Z. Doug, they make it uncomfortable for you to do anything anymore. You get anxiety. So out of all the people, you can't put a white chick on there

just to talk to us and get this out of the way? Because I was lost. And again, I love fucking foreigners and the whole thing. And you got to give them a job. First of all, this was outsourced to fucking some fucking Pablo Escobar's old telemarketing office. I didn't know what this lady was saying. And I asked her, I'm Espanol. I'm gonna do, you know, she was saying something. I'm like, man.

I'm like, nah, I got to deal with this shit at the airport. My boy told me that if you fly to United out of Newark, you got to stand in terminal D and give your luggage up. I'm not in the mood for all that shit. And if I get to the airport and you tell me my flight's delayed, listen, wherever I was going, they're not gonna see me. It's just for a delay?

Yeah. What if it's 20 minutes? I'm done, like three hours, done. Give my luggage back. Give it back, here. Take the money, take it. As a matter of fact, take the luggage. I got to sleep back here. Take the money. Take it as a matter of fact. Take the luggage I got the sleeper

Take the luggage mail it to my house when you get a chance. I don't need anything in there It's two days of clothes socks underwear. Ain't nothing I got my weed in my nut sack and I got my edibles in my nut sack I swear to god, I'll keep it in the nuts. Oh, remember last year two years ago doing right before the pandemic I got stuck in Atlanta. Yeah, it was a fucking all day and he's the show and these motherfuckers are calling me at 3 Well, we could send a helicopter for you in a private plane I got dog and who's gonna pay for that private plane for me to break even to get there in a rush to do a show Get the fuck out. It's done. It's canceled. They kept calling me every 30 minutes. We get you there

Fuck out. It's done. It's canceled. They kept calling me every 30 minutes. We get you there. We got you a train that'll drop you off to a helicopter and then some guy named Jed will take you to, no! It's over. I've been sitting here since six in the morning. It's four. What do you want me to do? You think I'm going to move to tell a fucking joke now?

Yeah, that's right. 10 hours at the airport. Yeah, I'm going to just get on stage and be fucking, you know, Johnny from Bo Whatever the fuck whoever the fuck that is Yeah, it sucks. But do you ever have I just had a really great experience somewhere and like it made me like Hopeful almost. What experience did you have?

I would well you called me I went to dinner two nights in one week, and you called me Johnny dinner Which I thought was hysterical, but I went to a steak place. I've never been and it wasn't expensive I went you ever heard of like the Michelin star like the like the fancy. Yes well, I went to a steak, but it was Like the best meal I've ever had you wouldn't go because I will be honest It is a Korean steakhouse, so they do they give you the kimchi and stuff But you just you can just tell you can just tell them not to even bring it. You just can't be fucked and normal like everybody else. It is normal. It's all two countries. You gotta go fuck a Korean steakhouse. It's great. It was great

Never wait till you shit blood. It was days ago. That's where you got the pink eye. No, it's not. That's where you got the fucking pink eye. It's not first of all it's not pink eye. Yes it is. It's a stye from fucking something. No it's not a stye. Yes it is. That's where you got the pink eye. It. You got the pink guy I knew there was a by the way I'm gonna think gladiator never gonna mistake as we don't pick no restaurants because there's always a bother He's the easiest guy to talk into anything Even talking and then he'll fucking yelp it and he'll he'll listen to a stranger And I already knew that there's a by the way. There was no by the way. I'm going to dinner a Coté. It's a steak Okay, by the way, I know

You know, it was so good. They made I've never had wagyu before you didn't know. Okay. Have you ever had? Yeah, and I shit right away That meat is so fucking rich. Yeah, I mean The two times I've had it I didn't even leave the restaurant. I swear to God. I had to go right in the bathroom and shit and come out like, I got to get out of here. That was fucking... It's too rich for Uncle Joey. I'm too old for that shit.

It tastes like you're eating fat. Short rib, I can't eat a lot of short rib. I like a little short rib on a pasta, but when they give you that big slab, it looks like a fucking... I love it. What happens when you little short rib on a pasta when they give you that big slab. Oh, I love that. It looks like a fucking, it looks. I love it. No. What do you, what happens when you eat a short rib? It's just too heavy.

That's it. That's shit I could eat when I was 25, 34. I eat a piece of fucking short rib at night. Some, oh, I went somewhere and I had the short rib on the, the pillows. Not the one from my brother at The joint red bank that the kid trains at our school. No chef. Whatever Phil What is it char Chef Phil makes a fucking tremendous one. I went somewhere else and it was on the menu

It was I'm gonna throw you a couple of I ate one, I had to go right to the bathroom and puke and shit. Went right through me and the meat, bro, this is a great restaurant I went to. It's just too rich. Wow. Just too fucking rich. You know, it's just too much, it's just a steak with fat. That's what the Koreans do.

First of all, they went to get- And then now they're calling for, you go to eat it, there's a war going on in Korea and you go eat at a Korean steakhouse. There's martial law, little kids are gonna hit with fire crackers and bottle rockets so what does that have to do with me because eating I like kimchi kimchi oh my god so you don't like kimchi oh yeah you know it gets you started the far to be great yeah I know I know but they came out like

it was good that's what you got the pink no it's not first of all don't stop calling it pink I didn't I never got a sty until you jinxed me out that Airbnb No, that's that's because I just saw a picture of a woman who went to an Airbnb gotten a jacuzzi She's got a rash all over fucking body. I guess I keep it up with the And the fucking Japanese steak houses what happened was somebody went you went to get a steak and they didn't wash the table correctly. You touched the table and then you rubbed your eye with your fingers.

So how clean is the fucking restaurant? Not at all. It wasn't the restaurant. The restaurant was fucking amazing. Yeah, the restaurant was amazing. You got a fucking stye, god damn it. I didn't get it at the restaurant. You got it somewhere.

I think I had it before the restaurant, which pissed me off. I hate that shit. I hate acne. I'm 36 I hate that shit. I hate acne. I'm 36. He hates acne. I do. You think I like having spots? I don't know why I have spots.

Everyone else just goes about their day. You know why I love acne? Why? Because I can pop the pimples. It keeps me do something at night. I'm gonna buy you, they sell toys that like are fake pimples you can pop. You want one of those?

No, I don't want a fake pimple. What's wrong with you? Sometimes you run our fake pimples you can pop you want one of those no fake pimple Sometimes you run out of pimples. Yeah, I'm gonna with those fucking I don't do it I don't like popping pimples that much you're hanging out with those students in New York with the bush goes on and shit The fuck is wrong with you dog the yeshiva students. I don't know who the fuck they are There's some crazy people in New York We're talking about a casino that they're gonna build in New York before. Holy shit. This shit goes through legal gambling in New York City.

Dog, you're gonna have to get like a helicopter. There's no more just zipping into the city. I mean, you can't zip into the city no more. Let's get it out of the fucking way. No. But. Why do you think it's gonna be so busy? A casino, by Hudson fucking yards.

But there's like a casino with a hotel, with a dock so people can land helicopters, a dock so people can pull them with their fucking boat and an event center and shopping and malls. We don't got the space in New York. That's a fucking island. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it

I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. Next thing I got to come up two times. But that's it. I don't fucking come up here. For me to go into the city, my friend invited me to Kevin, he's a great kid. He invited me to the Happy Madison Rap Party Saturday night for Happy Gilmore 2. Started at seven, but I had a fucking family thing. I had to be with the kids, the neighborhood, to give you a secret Santa, and I ended up leaving

because the mushrooms hit me too hard. I had to go for a fucking ride. All those kids yelling and screaming, and I'm hearing Chinese people crying. I thought I was in Vietnam. They're all like, ah, ah, ah. I thought you were blaming the party, but you're like, I also took nine grams of mushrooms.

That might be why you didn't show up to the party. Listen, I'm not gonna go to a kid's party just to go to a kid's party I'm gonna go there with my wife. We're gonna eat the food was you know what they had No, the shrimp palm that you like from that place. I love the fish Everybody's eating chicken and all the eggplants scallopini fuck you I was digging three of those shrimps at a time tell Vinny how big Nicholas how big those shrimp Oh, they were like fucking like soft balls or wiffle balls. They're fucking prawns with sauce and a hunk of cheese on it. Oh My god, but I do want to thank Nick today for bringing fucking Fiore's out a whole book and next thing brought some Italian fucking ham

Some wet moots and some prosciutto for later That'll get your asshole going for Monday Night Football. And that's it and that's that. Nick's been great. Nick has given me some rides. It's Joe, he's nephew. I will say, Nick, and I'm not trying to, you don't have to go on the camera.

You did, you don't even know what you did and you really didn't do anything, but we went out to eat yesterday and you ordered calamari and fried shrimp for the table. And Nick pulled what I want to do as a fat guy But I had never done there were three fried shrimp on the thing. He took two of them and I was like motherfucker Oh, I was so pissed. I wanted one of those goddamn shrimp. That's someone with like skinny Confidence can do he can just two out of the three shrimp brother

Another water But yeah, there was a, it's been great. There's like, I'm sure your buddy George has been very helpful like all the time. Your other friend Nick has been great. There's been a lot of like, as shitty as like the world is, there's a lot of helpful, it's been real fun being here and and seeing the difference between here and LA, between the people we have around who will help and invite me, even your neighbors at the park shows or all your neighbors are happy to see me.

Man. People will never understand. And I like when people call me and they go, hey, you should do this, or you should go on the road on Fridays and you should do this What you what I want you to do before you invite me to do anything from now on is Come to Jersey stay with me for five days And ask yourself. Where do I need to go? At this point in my life. I'm just being very honest with myself. Where do I need to go? I know who I am

I know what my age I know what I'm just being very honest with myself. Where do I need to go? I know who I am. I know my age. I know what I'm capable of doing. I know what I'm not capable of doing. And one thing I don't like doing in my life is not being able to cover the spread. I'm at a point in my life where I'm just having too much fun. And it was a state of mind with me.

When I got, see, stand up for me used to be a business. And it's great. It's great to take things seriously in your life but Comedy is about laughing. Mm-hmm And if you ain't laughing on the ride and you ain't laughing at the event and you ain't laughing with your friends. It's not worth doing There's no Hollywood in fucking comedy There's no Hollywood in comedy and that was the mix-up and for the first time my life

First of all, I never cared what people thought like when you go to Hollywood They'll tell you Nick you got to get rid of that joke because it doesn't represent the TV show you're trying to put together Listen, I'm not trying to put together a TV show. I'm just trying to make people fucking laugh I want them to leave here howling not because I had to put a special set together Oh, I can't touch on all. I'm telling stories, I'm including my daughter, and I'm talking about what I'm going through now, which is I just really don't give a fuck about your situation. I've got my own problems, man. I was just on antibiotics for four weeks.

Do you know what that's like? That's a punishment. You don't even know until you get off them. I'm not talking about the things. I was just on antibiotics for four weeks. Do you know what that's like? That's a punishment. You don't even know until you get off them. I've been off them maybe,

nah, tomorrow will be a week. I started, I didn't go to the bathroom for four fucking weeks. I couldn't fall asleep at night for four fucking weeks. Oh no. You know, it's, and it's my year and whatever, but I'm having a great time with my daughter. Yeah. You know, it's it no, you know, and it's it's my year and whatever but

I'm having a great time with my daughter. Yeah, I took her to the comedy shows. I bring that up. That's awesome I took a Tuesday night to a comedy show with me and I took a Wednesday night and it was hard to take a Wednesday night because I knew What she was gonna hear? and I knew what she was gonna see I what she was gonna hear. And I knew what she was gonna see. I didn't smoke in front of her. There was no reef of smoke back there. She saw the mushrooms in the bag.

She looked the other way. She's 11 and I told my wife and I told everybody, after those 23 years in LA and the three years in Seattle, I saw a lot of insecure women and I saw women that their parents never spoke to. Their dads never sat them down and said, are you fucking crazy bringing that jemoke in here? You know, like just different things that you tell your daughter and like they realize

what the fuck's going on So for me, it was like if I go back there, I can't go back to my old life. I Gotta spend time with I gotta spend time with and I took her to the open mic and she had a fucking Blast at the open mic and I'm like, this is not good And then the next day she heard me talking to my wife and she goes good dad Can I go to Jersey City with you and I had it call my wife in the room? I'm like, what do you think about that? And she's like Joe she's 11 If you think she's mature enough and I go let's give it a shot

And she fucking panned out. She had a good time. She laughed She talked about it and I could see that she grew You watch them grow right in front of you after you do something like that with them She looked like a little doll. She like she was dressed like an adult. She has a mascara on she looks like a fucking Mother at three in the morning. That's what my mother looked like the mascara going down your face the the sweat My mother would come in at three with coke rings and fucking the black thing leaking and fucking But is you know and Not I'm not saying you had bad shows anywhere else

But do you think there's any like correlation because I think you had the best show that I've seen you have in Jersey City Well, what's going on right now is I'm getting better every week. You know, and it's not the material. It's not the Confidence it's not the confidence. You know what it is. I don't give a fuck I'm gonna still give you the best show I could give you But I don't give a fuck. I can't I can't worry about giving a fuck anymore. I just can't it's a different state of mind I'm doing it for me. I'm telling the jokes. I want to fucking tell I'm doing the schedule. I want to do it's not you know, the agents call me all the time. Hi We think about a Friday night. Not really not really and you know what next time you ask me about a Friday

I'm gonna fly you in And I'm gonna show you my family on a Friday and what this neighborhood does on a Friday And you tell me you have the audacity to tell these people. Well, it's time for me to go. I gotta go I don't even want to do that I don't want to do that. I got two Saturday shows All next year That's it. I got valentine's day and may 31st or something like that That's it. The rest of them are wednesdays. I got a friday show in june But it's just one show at 8 o'clock and it's the fourth of July week. So I'm taking that check

gone God you won't see me till fucking the eighth of the ninth when I'm out of fucking Everything else, you know, and that's the thing. This is the time of the year I'm already making a plan for next year. Like I already making a plan for next year Like I already have my plan for next year Unless something happens I fall off a building You know, I fucking jump off the hotel balcony like that poor bastard, you know, whatever the fuck I did Then they blame it on drugs down the other singer the singer that poor bastard 20 something years old he got too high

That's you know why cuz he didn't grow up in North Bergen. He would have been prepared. You would have been high when you're fucking 18, and you wouldn't have lost your mind under fucking, well, the guy delivered with drugs, not like, I'm going to put that poor bastard in jail. He's just a bellman. You know, that's what bellmans do. How can I hook you up?

Fuck. Is that what happened? I don't know. I'm just talking shit out of my ass. Anyway, we're going to break for a quick ad. Fuck is that what happened? I don't know Anyway, we're gonna break for a quick ad We'll be back. Come on guys. I got 16 the dealer got five. Should I hit or stay? He won both of yous. Anyway, hey, it's your uncle Joey Slots. Draft Kings is bringing Christmas gifts this year with Draft Kings Casino, my personal

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If not, do what you got to do. 7777 or visit ccpg.org please play responsibly 21 and over physically president, Connecticut, Michigan, New Jersey Pennsylvania, West Virginia only void in Ontario eligibility restrictions apply new customers only often required casino credits are non-withdrawable and expire in 168 hours terms at casino draft kings comm slash promos. We're back bitches Anyway, we were talking about fucking Lee found that Barone and Lucia like listen I knew when I would start bringing my friends that I grew up with it would open up different avenues and I've been getting Guys, I'm gonna get a lot of fucking emails lately. I got a lot of Facebook's From people that had gone to those schools over the years Like they don't land on your regular Facebook

They land like on a messenger or something a lot of Facebooks from people that had gone to those schools over the years. Like they don't land on your regular Facebook, they land like on a messenger or some shit. The one day my messenger had like 11 fucking things in there and I'm like, what the fuck? And it was just weird that we introduced the country to what teachers used to be. Oh my God. Like what teachers used to be. Oh my God. Like what teachers used to be. Holy shit. I was very proud that,

I mean he was a big part in me getting my life together when I was younger. Then once my mother died, I couldn't go around him because I felt embarrassed of who I'd become for a few years. And I didn't see him for a long time. I think I reconnected with him like in the early, the late 90s, like 96, 97.

I reconnected with him and his wife, Patty. How did you do that before the internet? I called. But I don't have any of my teachers. No, because you would call somebody who knew somebody who knew somebody who would get you that person's number. Wow. And you just hunt it out or I would call someone and they go, you're not going to believe

who was asking about you. And he said, if I called you to give you his number, you know, so that's how I reconnected with like Lisa Messina, Mr. Barone. There was a lot of people I didn't see for a long time. I didn't see George for a long fucking time. I didn't see George for seven years. I thought George was dead. Did you hear that?

So he told me during a movie that George had died. And I was depressed. I didn't know what was going on. I'm like, I said he's gone. I mean, one of us was going to die. I didn't know which one at that point. We couldn't keep living how we were living. You you know me and George were nuts, you know, so right and One day I'm on Kennedy Boulevard in front of my in front of my friend's business and he pulls up with the Suzuki And I'm like that's fucking the ghost of George And that's what happened. I just reconnected with a lot of these people

And that's what happened. I just reconnected with a lot of these people Years later, you gotta remember I left in 85 and I did not come back till 91 and then I went back and came back in 93 and then after 93 I Probably show my face around here to about 96 and 97 and I was just coming for a day I would do rascals and sleep on my friend's balcony or You know, it was fucking insane what I would have to do I didn't have the money to go to a hotel or nothing like that. Right? It is nice. Like I just had I just saw an old friend from LA this week

It's been six years since I saw her. She got married since we left. It was a lot of fun. Like it was cool to just, it's cool when you're away from someone for years and like you can catch up and see what their life is and you're still friends. It's, you know. I went to meet my crazy brother Friday night.

Okay. And while I was down, looking at this table and I go, I know this girl. And I go, do I know this girl? I grew up in a down body. She went to McKinley. She had Barone. And I went up to her. I haven't seen her since probably the night I did the show at the village.

How long ago was that? 10 fucking years ago. That's 10 years ago, 2014, 2015. That's 10 fucking years ago. That's the last time I showed up, showed up with a big black dude. She's a little white chick with red hair, beautiful. She showed up with one of her car.

I'm like, what the fuck, Joanne? That's the biggest black man I've ever seen. She's like, he's my boss. He's married, don't ask. And then, yeah, I just bumped into it. And it was like, I didn't see her for 10 years, but all of a sudden after two minutes, we were back where we were right back, right back,

talking about this that this that so I take pride man and And talking to my friends. I always thought that was a big cap in your life if You can make your life, you know, you see people You grow up with people like you don't grow up with people you meet people in california And I would tell them i'm going to see my brothers at Comic-Con.

And you know, they didn't have, they didn't grow up like that. No. But after what you guys have seen in the two last podcasts, I didn't grow up like a lot of fucking people. I still can't believe Lucio was cool with you after you were supposed to be spotting him and he dropped the thing and you were just somewhere else smoking weed. I don't know what you were doing in the corner. My mother was home. We were 12. We were 11 we were kids

And we used to fucking all want to get in shape to play basketball or football or baseball. There was always Something you were getting in shape for And I don't remember who the karate guy with the white shirt was but I have an idea His name was Glenn. He was fucking crazy. I don't have an idea. I don't know who he was. He was fucking crazy, this kid.

This kid lived in a one-bedroom house with his mother, and the living room was just karate trophies. They didn't sit on the couches. You know where they lived? On that building. When the Kennedy Boulevard twist, when you're coming out of the White Castle and you're going down Kennedy Boulevard that brown building This is 1975 that building was brand new then what wasn't brand new then but it looked a lot better than what it did And he's that's what he's talking about the kid with the kung fu kid with the white t-shirt. He was out of his mind

But fucking yeah, that's who we hung out with. And now on the 21st, I'm going to dinner with the other side of that crew. That we all grew up with. Karate or North Bergen? North Bergen, like McKinley School. So it's me, Dave Ruiz, Louis Hernandez. Louis?

Yeah, Chucky, fucking Whitey who went to Kennedy It's a little bit about Louie's so went to Franklin So it's a bunch of us that played basketball together in the sixth and seventh grade Who fucking does that and we do that four times a year? That's awesome four times a year. No drugs. No, no. I'm the only junkie there. I'm the only one that they drink. I fucking smoke dope. And we pick fucking tremendous restaurants. We just pick great places. They want to go all the time. They're like, we got to go to the stage in New Brunswick. We got to go to the stage in New Brunswick because they got the

best hamburgers, supposedly. They do. I like that burger, I like a lot of that food, I like that spaghetti. You know, they just wanna go to great places, these guys. So they wanna go to the city, to this place, I tell them not to go to Cote. It's fucking, listen, don't, first of all, it's called Cote. I can't tell him anything nice that I do. I'm just teasing, I'm just teasing. I know you're just teasing me, but it was fucking,

I wish I didn't get pissed off. Someone told me he has a trick when like, just to piss people off. And like, one of my comic friends, his name is Kevin Sanchez, very funny New York comic. But he was saying if like someone's like arguing something, right, he'll just tell them that he doesn't care. And it, like, I wish,

I wish I could tell you I didn't care when you're like, don't, I wouldn't go to Cotay, that's where you get pink eye. I wish I could be you I didn't care when you're like don't I wouldn't go to Kote That's where you get pink eye. I wish I'd look no. It's not who cares, but if I don't know what it is I you twist me up on my toy and I'm like it fucking drives me nuts. Did you eat another? Yeah, you made me. We watch me. No, I'm not Hey first of all, I've made four edibles now. No you didn't yes. I did I ate two of these which are awesome I've had a couple of different kinds of videos recently. The blue ones are good. I had the red ones the orange ones I've had all the colors and then we had another kind which is on tape. I took four

Don't look at me like that You know Mushrooms with you yesterday, huh? I was the only one who took mushrooms with you yesterday. I was the only one who took mushrooms with you. No, and the owner of the restaurant was eating them like it was the 4th of July. But no one else at the table did. The what? Yeah, he was.

He was having a good time. But no one else at the table did. Because they were all pussyfights. They're not like you and me. So what, what, I get no credit? How many edibles can I take? How many, listen, how many pounds of potatoes will you eat before you die? What the fuck does that even mean?

How many chocolate bars will you eat before you die? How many fucking steaks will you eat before you die? Yeah, but I'm not dying tonight. Listen, it's all in moderation. You gotta eat some steaks, you gotta eat some mushrooms. How is? It's a balance, you know what I'm saying? 300 milligrams, moderation.

I've had moderation. Listen, bro, we're going into the holiday season. Okay? As of Tuesday, it's like the, what's that song they sing? Moderation I've had my listen bro. We're going to the holiday season Okay As of Tuesday, it's like the what's that song they sing the 12 days of Christmas. Yeah We're two days away from that. That means we're on fucking that means we're on different modes now now you could smoke that joint Now you could have that extra drink. It doesn't matter. Nobody's judging you. Everybody's happy. It's the holidays We made it another year, you know, whether you broke you're fucking rich. You don't have money. You're getting by It's fucking Christmas and you know what the best Christmas is I've had is when I'm broke

Those are the ones that you dig deep. Somebody shows up with Boston Market turkey You bump into somebody got a Xanax and the bottom of that trunk Somebody else has a joint they grandma left over there. You're like thug at seven o'clock. I had nothing turkey, you bump into somebody, they got a Xanax in the bottom of that trunk, somebody else has a joint, they grammer the leftover there and you're like, thug, at seven o'clock I had nothing. Now I got fuck in this, that and that. It's not what I wanted, but it's what God gave me. You know what I'm saying? I feel like you, do you have like a drug advent calendar that you do? Like, what do you mean? Like it's just a different every, what do you mean? I don't, it's a Christmas season. We take more edibles every day. It's over

What is it? You put the work in all year? Yeah, we don't get a book the work and you dealt with drama you moved Fucking you had a hell of a year. That's it. It's fucking Miller time bitch Okay, and it starts so the last three three weeks of the month I'm just done? Listen, I got something coming in that's big. Remember in Scarface we have a big mule coming in. Big. We got a mule coming in. And that mule's gonna take us straight to the fucking 31st

to this choo-choo breakdown. And then you ain't gonna see me. I'm gonna do one of those NAD shots, like 100 milligrams and get my cellular fucking motive I have no idea what the fuck you're doing with an NAD shot I'm gonna sit in that red light therapy and get my cells. Oh, yeah, you cheated all the time And then I'm back like herpes. Yeah, but you cheated what cheat every time in LA you'd be like I'm not high at all

And then you do if I froze and did the therapy and sweat, and I was just sitting there with nothing. No, you wouldn't sweat it. You were just throwing edible juice on top of edible juice, on top of carnita fries. It wasn't good. Yeah, but I didn't have to. You got to sweat that shit out.

You got to go on that. When I go in the red light sauna, that's it. That means I clean my slate. It's like going to confession. Everything that's bad is out of you, especially if you worked out that day. You got the salt out of you, you got the fatty issues. You go home, you wash that sweat off your fucking body

so it doesn't go back in your body. And now that's good. It goes back in your body if you don't. If you leave that disgusting sweat on your body with the toxins that came out, eventually the toxins are gonna go back in So you want to go home and wash your pussy fix your hair nice scrub a dub dub your pores are open now Which when you do the loofah you loofy your asshole. I kill that hemorrhoid. I hit it with a hammer That's it. My hemorrhoid is down to this now. It was like this from the antibiotics, right? And it was like a trapdoor

the antibiotics and it was like a trapdoor. It was like, fuck it, I swear to God. I had to shit and then take the thing and pull it to the side. You would hear it go, okay. No, you didn't. You didn't pull your. Yes, I did. But then, and you refused to get Preparation H.

Because how embarrassing is that? They go into CVS and go, where's the Preparation H? And then, if not, now you gotta figure out how to get that tube up your ass. First of all, I'm gonna have. Which is embarrassing. It's not that, first of all, how big is the CVS? You can just walk around second of all I only had one hammer in my entire life, which is surprising but you got like three stars

Yeah, I got more than what's the difference? It's not my ass for a style. It's dying a hammer because you have to stick something up your ass and I don't know It's a stop. It's gone in four days. I'm gone in four days and why because you touch that table at Colt Left over from Wuhan That's why oh but then stick something on racism here. I'm just playing the facts what? Not races if it's facts Fucking it's it's actually my favorite bottle that I've seen ever. The one time I had a hemorrhoid, that little tip of the preparation H thing, you don't

even feel it. That's what they always tell you. That's what they told Danny. That's what they told fucking whatever, Jamie Foxx. That's what they tell them all. You're never going to feel nothing. Nobody will know. I don't want to stick it up your ass.

My phone's in my room. Nobody's going to know nothing. Next thing you know, you're in the hospital. You got stitches in your ass. You're in the hospital. You're in the hospital. You're in the hospital. You're in the hospital. You're in gonna feel nothing. Nobody will know. I don't wanna stick it up your ass. My phone's in my room. Nobody's gonna know nothing. Next thing you know, you're in the hospital, you got stitches in your ass.

You know, you're fucking looking around your room, you're going, what the fuck happened to me? Don't even tell me that. Why would I drug you unless I'm gonna do something to you? Jamie Foxx got fucked up, dog. They must have fucked that motherfucker up. He was like, fucking Jesus, don't you go down there messing with them Jews without no money. You know, think about it. He went to a ditty party. He was on a commission for like three fucking

weeks. He was twitching for like two weeks. That's deep. That's a roofie and a half. That's one of those German, Russian roofies. That's one of those Holocaust roofies. So he was saying this happened recently? Because I remember when he went to the hospital. Yeah, he went to the hospital and came out. Now, supposedly there's stories that he called you. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I just hear little things. I don't read because whatever the fuck they put on there is bullshit, right? But ever the put the bullshit, you know Twitter has become X

What? You go on Twitter it's Alex Jones saying that we're gonna get killed on January 20th. They're gonna spray two more viruses on us. It's become instead of fun Twitter, there's that one chick still sucking dick on Twitter. God bless her. I think there's more than one. There's one girl that is skinny. She got the ass of a bone like that.

She looks like a tripod. She sucks dicks this fucking big black ones BBC that's her fucking code name BB with BBC like yeah oh she sucks dick in England for that radio station oh wait you know this is because you follow her right there's more no she just appeared I'm not like I follow somebody who sucks dick I got 11 year old I don't get anyone sucking big black cocks at my dog. This shit. There's two of them I have a chubby one that fucks Marines and shit He just goes all these young Marines and she's like 40 and she fucks all she puts pictures

She got abs, but it's all fake. The ass is fake. The abs are fake the other one. I Forget what her fucking name is dog every other day She's putting pictures up of they meet other girls and they just go to a hotel room. She fucking fucks her fans from PayPal They send like an email they have to sound like a medical exam and she'll fuck you She'll meet you in a hotel room where they pay on PayPal or what do you mean PayPal? The other one where people go when they're like only fans only fans. Okay PayPal

Much of the cost of fuck somebody. I hold on we got to go to a message from our sponsor We'll be back right back. The conversation is heating up Lee needs to take another edible. We're right back Hey uncle Joe here. I know it's the holiday season. There's a stressful time of the year, but to take another edible. We'll be right back. Boost your mood or just get high and eat like a motherfucker via has what you need Listen, I just took two of these green boys and I've been ready to rock all night Okay, the blue ones are good too. They'll put you on a different planet via is organic vegan The only lifestyle hemp brand out there. They even have THC a flower soothing tropicals and Calming drops that are all crafted with highest quality

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You tell them! Uncle Joey and Lee sent you that. This holiday season, enhance your every day with Viya, okay? Anyway, we're talking about, I have you that. This holiday season, enhance your every day with VIA, okay? Anyway, we're talking about, I have no idea. Fucking, one of the producers just found a piece of gum on the bottom of gum shoe over here. He's like a detective from the 60s. They all have like a nail in their shoe and a piece of gum.

That's why they call them gum shoe. Did you know? Is that why? No, I don't know. I always step in, do you ever walk around and think you stepped in shit? Not really. No?

I look at the floor to make sure I don't step in shit. Okay? How often are you looking at the ground? The whole time. First of all, I'm old. I'm always looking at the ground. Cause I might fall. I could fall any fucking minute.

My balance is tip top, myoo, but I gotta work on it Really? What do you do to work on your balance? You do strength exercises so you don't fall You know my bones get weaker now I've been listening to this lady lately that sexy lady who talks about your health all the time Patrick Whatever I fucking love him the other day. She said by the time you're 75 you're like 3% of your muscle But if you start lifting in your 40s and Buster, but I'm a little bit of a Buster, but I'm a little bit of a Buster, but I'm a little bit of a Buster, but I'm a little bit of a Buster, but I'm a little bit of a

Buster, but I'm a little bit of a Buster, but I'm a little bit of a Buster, but I'm a little bit of a Buster, but I'm a little bit of a Buster, but I'm a little bit of a Buster, but I'm a little bit of a Buster, but I'm a little bit of a Buster, but I'm a little bit of a top of Google. What does soggy mean to you? You know when you're soggy. Like just they look soggy? Like the way I look. I'm soggy. You don't look soggy. But the more harder you work you have that

muscle. It goes all sarcopenia is when your bones start to lose you know so it's easier to break bones and shit so that's what you try to stay around. When I box, I always work on my balance, my footwork. I go to boxing class because there's numbers. I know, listen, with the amount of drugs I took and trauma and hits to the head and nose, and there's gonna be dementia. You have to expect it in our time right now. So- You don't have to. No, everybody else gets it. It's to expect it in our time right now. So.

You don't have to. No, everybody else gets it. It's in fucking milk, it's in carrots. I don't know what the fuck that's in. I don't think dementia is in milk. But every time you talk to your grandfather, he don't remember you. And this is more, when I was a kid,

everybody remembered everybody. Everybody remembered everybody. They could be a hundred. Oh, you little fucking Nicky from the bottom of the corner. You used to throw snowballs at the birds. You know that. Oh my God. Now you go see these people and they're like, who are you, who am I?

Who am I? I put the bathrooms in this joint, you know what I'm saying? Who am I? Oh my God. I was just gonna ask you something. What were you gonna ask me now? I don't know. Fuck.

No, we were talking about something. You don't remember what we were talking about? Not really. God damn it. Oh, Rhonda Patrick. Rhonda Patrick. Because you've worked really hard the last couple years. You were talking about sleep. And-hmm. And that's like

Probably the worst thing I have right me to not sleeping. No at all. Yeah, but ain't the morning you're doing listen Sorry to tell you I'm very sorry to tell you when you do comedy You don't sleep The hours just don't add up. Because in your mind, you're like, oh, I got to be at work at eight. You know? Eight comes quick when you go to bed at 12. 12?

And if you go to bed at 12, three nights already you're carrying that tiredness for Thursday. And when you're a comic, you can't have that. It's like two. But our thing makes you want to get on stage. You got to get on stage, you got to get better. You got to try this joke. So now how many times do you go out and go, I'll be home by 10.

Never. And you're walking in at two in the morning. You never come home with the time you're going to think. And that's why comedy has no, you know, that's why once you decide to quit your job to become a professional, then you sleep, you know, you don't have to get up till nine or 10 then. But again, you don't want to ever get up

and miss a call at nine from somebody. No. So that was my world. Like even if you snorted Coke till six, you want to snort Coke till six, go ahead. In fact, I'll give you an extra package. Snort it till seven, but you better be up at fucking 9 and That's something that

No, you can't put on a line for you have to do it. You have to go listen I started till 738 ass. I gotta get up at 9 with that those fucking sheets come out Because if somebody gets up before me and they see those sheets and they submit they might get that role. Yep This goes back to basketball George George is practicing basketball. I'm sitting here at a wedding with my mother fuck you George is getting better. I'm not It's you have to think like that some and that's the truth that's the bot that's it when you're doing that type of when you're a Comedian an artist you're starting a business. I love these people that start a business and then they want to go to Europe

We're going to Europe. Good. I can't wait to start a business and then they want to go to Europe. Who going to Europe? Good. I can't wait till your employees rob this shit out of you. Right. Can't wait. Can't fucking wait. Can't wait. There's no vacation.

There's no, the kids want to go to Disneyland. Fuck the kids. This summer they work. They work at the fucking plant. You know, and that's the problem. People forget that you got to watch. You got to stay on top of they work. They work at the fucking plant. You know, and that's the problem. People forget that you gotta watch. You gotta stay on top of your game.

You gotta stay on top of your shit. And I don't know about you motherfuckers, but I'm to an age right now that I was talking to somebody Friday and they said to me, Joey, you fucking stiffed me last week. And I go, what do I mean? They go, you remember we were talking on the. I'm gonna call you on Thursday. I'm gonna call you on Thursday. I'm gonna call you on Thursday. I'm gonna call you on Thursday. I'm gonna call you on Thursday.

I'm gonna call you on Thursday. I'm gonna call you on Thursday. I'm gonna call you on Thursday. I'm gonna call you on Thursday. I'm gonna call you on Thursday. I'm gonna call you on Thursday. I'm gonna call you on Thursday. That's it, that's it. I don't remember Thursday at eight. And I go, you really think I would blow you off

because I didn't know my feelings. And I go, dog, and what about urine? You can't pick up the phone and go, Joey, weren't we meeting? Oh, I didn't want to bother you. Bother me. If I fucking told you I'm gonna do something, guys, I don't have it anymore.

I don't have time. Nick and I were talking yesterday about all this shit in the news. Guys, I don't have it anymore. I don't have time. Nick and I were talking yesterday about all this shit in the news. You have to decide when you're my age on what you want to retain. Do I need to retain anything that they talk about CNN? Why are they still talking about Kamala Harris? Why are they still talking about all this shit three weeks later? Do I want to retain this?

Is that what you want to do? Retain this? That's more important. It's like I was telling my brother, Joyce, listen, everybody wants to fucking help charities and shit, right? Right? Everybody's always, oh, I donated to the blind. I donate.

But meanwhile, you got a grandmother that's barely making the money. Why don't you mind your business, stop being a good guy for people and be good to your fucking grandmother. We got a community around us. And that's what we, you know, it's always, and that's part of our problem. We're nice people. We think about other people and shit.

But at the same time, what's that thing? You know when you, Lee, there's something on my computer where you don't have enough memory, Joey. Well, guess what? That's what's going on now. You don't have enough memory to retain. And that's not just going on to me, guys. That's happening to you guys.

You just don't know it. I mean, you're old enough, and I'm old enough, my brother, George. We didn't have this much information. We had ABC, NBC, CBS. Fox was a pimple on an ass. They didn't talk about nothing. The first show they had was that leg was the Simpsons and Leguizamo, House of Buggin. Nobody remembers Fox. Then they got America's Most Wanted and Married with. But you know, they weren't, we had three ways to get news. And if you wanted to know what happened in North

Bergen or New York City, you had to watch eyewitness news or 12 or nine, 12 and whatever. Now we have 30,000 fucking news avenues. You go on the computer, you got Yahoo, this, that, Forbes, bop, beep, bop, boop, not to mention, when I was a kid I watched Happy Days, I watched the Waltons. That's two days a week. Every fucking night, you gotta fucking find

a different streaming service, remember your fucking code. You know, how much shit can you put on your mind before your mind finally goes? It's the law diminishing returns You know, that's why you have to do shit now You have to read about stuff you could do like they say turn off the computer at night They say turn off but when I get up in the morning, I do not look at that cell phone It's not nothing is good news on that cell phone Nothing in the morning.

You have your coffee, you look out your window, look at that bird. I don't care if you look at the Russian guy pushing the garbage into his backyard. It's a lot better than reading what's on your first thing in the morning. Do you ever feel like you're addicted to your phone? No, not like that. And because you had addiction problems, like you never feel like that. I do. A thousand percent. I spend way too much time on my phone. And it's not even like I feel the urge,

but if there's ever a second of like just silence, you just reach for the phone. Listen, in today's society, everybody's addicted to the phone. Everybody complains about people being addicted to the phone. I have a family and I hang out with other kids with families. And this is what you see when you go to a restaurant.

You see the kids rip out their phones, but then the parents rip out the phones. So we got no leg to stand on. Right. You know? The phone was a very great invention, but the more you have a phone, you're like, this wasn't a good idea.

It was good at flip phones. This was not a good idea. Because now you have, like when I call you on your cell phone I know by you I expect to get you on your cell phone if I call your house You're in the shower washing your pussy. You're somewhere. You're out the bodega Whatever the fuck you're doing, but if I call you when we call your cell phone now We expect for you to pick up that fucking cell phone. It's in your pocket every time I see you you're on there But then when you call them they're not around

Dog it's the worst thing in the world. I because I feel like I got to pick it up because it's on me It's fucking on me guys. You know it is It's on you. So this could be anybody This could be your daughter. This could be But there's so many other things on the phone that the way Instagram It's taken away like, you know

Nick and I were talking about specials yesterday Go watch is a whole hour Very rare, you know, we listened to long podcasts because we have to drive a truck Or deliver ups or whatever it could take someone We this is gonna be like what 90 minutes this could take someone In theory a few days to listen to you know when they're driving back and forth or doing something some people listen to seven a day but it's a the phone is great. I listen to seven a day. I pick and choose you know if I see someone good guest I want to see you something. No but you don't have the lifestyle to listen to seven a day there's definitely people who do. And I

wouldn't. No you wouldn't? No because it's like Sunday football. I would love to be able to sit there from 1230 And sit there till 10 o'clock at night. Oh, I hate too many wings. Yeah, this is what you do every fucking week. I Can watch the first quarter of? The one o'clock game the first half. Okay, then I like to go for a ride Go for say this. What do you do on this ride I call you I call anybody who missed a call. I call Somebody I have to check in with I call my agent. I call my other agent. You don't know it's sunday. You're getting ready for the fucking monday jack

So and the fuck sunday you do this at home Sunday is the Lord's Day but that's still about one o'clock right then you watch a little football then you take your little nap you smoke some pot you give the wife a stabbing you take a shower and you get up it's whatever Disney or whatever they used to have when we were kids the show with the animals now I watch a little 60 minutes and in between that little break between the 820 game and whatever I'll go on the notebook and get your weed going. Come on. It's Sunday motherfucker. You got a clear head. Let's go What are we doing? I called Terry in what are we doing this week?

Cuz I don't have my schedule like I had a complete schedule last night and she dropped games on me this week and practices No She dropped games on me this week and practices. I think the drive is interesting because I like driving, but why not just make those calls at home? Because I have a wife and a kid and I love my wife to death, but I told you this a couple weeks ago. I could be sitting there all morning playing fucking Wheel of Fortune. Draft Kings will have like some casino thing and I'll go on it. I'm losing. I lose like 40 bucks in dollar bills, you know? I usually take 50 and play $50 and then if I win I get the points. I'm a fucking you know

I'm down to my 48 dollar and I just hit a jackpot That's when my wife shows up As I'm hitting the three wheels, you know, how many times she does this every fucking day? I Could sit downstairs just writing For 25 minutes not hear a fucking peep and All of a sudden I go it's 10 o'clock. I gotta call Nick I gotta call this guy gotta call this guy gotta call my agent and that first fucking call there she is Now she has to put a load of laundry

She couldn't done it all morning. Then it's upstairs. Then she forgot to bring the stock down. So that's another trip down. Then what are you doing? Then you get that, what are you doing? And then they go up again. And then there's another load down, and up and down.

So that's why in the mornings, I do everything I do. She leaves for work. I eat breakfast. I wash my pussy. I'm out of the house by 9 15. I walk into that gym and I ride the bike for 30 minutes. I do like a HIIT workout. I got all the way up to 12 now. I stretch. Depending on what my day calls calls for I either stay there or I go to the boxing gym But in between that I park in the corner of my parking lot. I get a bottle of water a Pack of nicotine gum and a half a number and I call all you motherfuckers And that's how you do it. So nobody could bother me Nobody has to ask me a question. You've been here for an hour.

You've been sitting in that chair for an hour. An hour you've been sitting in that chair and all of a sudden I got to make a call and now you want to talk about fucking Tuesday of next week or whatever and it never fails. I love my wife. I'm very fortunate that she goes up and down, up and down. I could be unfortunate I don't have a wife that goes up and down, up and down. But at the same fucking time, it never ends. Mercy is a half a pain in the ass, maybe a quarter.

She's not bad at all. Mercy's like her father. This is what I got to tell you, and I don't want to say this. I'm going back up to my room. My wife, again, last night, Terry, did you see that? I didn't see it, I'm going to bed. Okay.

So when she says going to bed, bed doesn't come out of her mouth. I already pop up from my chair and walk towards my office. That means good night. I sit at my desk, I turn the computer on, four or five minutes perhaps. She's still. She just told me she's going to bed.

Then I see her walking and all of a sudden that she's about to go up the stairs. Something happens on the TV and she looks at it. For another two minutes. Meanwhile I'm sitting there ready to fucking write a novel, ready to write jokes, ready to get the party started. And then she'll come in and tell me something. Like, did I tell you about the whatever's kid?

They insulted me the other day. I thought you were going to fucking bed. Again, I could be sitting on the chair at 430 like this with my feet up, no fucking socks and no sneakers on. I got the blankie, I got the cat. I'm not a TV doer, but it's 4.30, I got nothing else to do. I already did everything I had to do. I'll be sitting there. There they do. There's my wife.

OK, so I'm going to go to Starbucks and then I'm gonna stop at Lovati's. Okay. Love you. See you in a while. You hear the garage door open. You hear the garage door close. I pull my phone out. Let me call Nick.

First minute, the garage door is opening up. Oh, I forgot my cell phone dog. You have no idea Like I would never lift my hand to my wife But when she comes back, but she forgets a cell phone or something like that My blood pressure and I told her from now on when you forget something Don't come back Because now my mind is on to a different headset it's like when I go Yo, Lee, I'll meet you at Rudy's at 730, right? Okay

What was I gonna say I forget now what's what would like change your mindset Oh, okay. I text you. Are you hungry? Right. And you text me, yeah. And I go 730 Rudy's and you say, yeah. That's the end of the conversation. Don't text me again. No, that's it Don't hit me in ten seconds because once I put that phone in my pocket and that phone hits again And I pray this ain't leak because then I got to say something to him. It's usually somebody else Thank you. If it's that person again, I got a buddy I call and it's you can't text him Because it's yes. No by all sudden you get four fucking more taxes one every four minutes to really aggravate me Like that and then it takes a breather that that takes a bit

I'm fucking ready Used to be upset with just voicemails You're a new level of like oh,, I'm telling you, it's over. I don't have the patience for the nonsense no more. You know, I go to a restaurant. It's my favorite fucking restaurant. I go in there for a year. Nobody talks to me. Obviously, I become friends with some of the patrons and the owners. I really like them

When the place has Like every time the place is packed and I'm talking to the owner of some Five kids like the place will be three deep at the bar The DJ will be back there. They'd listen to that Jersey music that fucking ah and all these Jersey housewives. I'm international You know, it's some fucking chick was telling you she's a gypsy. It's all bullshit and they're dancing back there That's always like five kids I'm the DS. Can we take a picture? Listen Do me a favor and

They just don't understand that, they don't understand that it's not that I'm being a dick. This is the problem. You have 200 other idiots in there. You five idiots are gonna come over, I'm gonna take a picture with each of you, you're gonna give me the same ear beating, we love you, I'm Rogan.

Okay, and then you're gonna walk away. And you got, you're happy. You got your little fucking picture. Now guess what? This fucking person I was telling my life story to, now our night is ruined. Because everybody who saw me taking the pictures with you is gonna come up to me.

So when you're on your way home, I'm getting tortured to the point where, on the back of my mind I go, why do I even go out? Really, is that that much? There's certain nights where you go there, it's older people, they don't bother you, but there's certain nights you go in, I went in there three weeks ago with Mercy after Wicked.

I'm tripping on fucking mushrooms. Yeah, I'm out of water, I gotta pee, I go, let me go in there. I go in there in two kids right away midnight Hi, you Joe Diaz. No, I'm Aaron Rodgers Come on you look like mr. Diaz. I mean dog I know I Shook both the hands and said I'm not right now. I'm with my daughter. Plus I'm tripping on mushrooms

Anybody else would say thank you What made you move to New Jersey? Are you still doing comedy? When are you gonna be on Rogan? What'd I just fuckin' tell you? Take a hike. Look at my eyeballs, they're spinning like the inside of a fuckin' Wheel of Fortune.

From the mushrooms and from seeing a black chick that's green and wicked, I'm still fuckin' annoyed. And fuckin', you to come up to me and ask me these dumb questions at midnight? Meanwhile, they're coked up. That's the problem. They're like, ha ha ha. And you can tell they're not ready for coke.

These are two little fags. They're still on the vapor pen level. Oh my God, there's vapor. Ha ha ha. Don't drink wine with it Don't eat cereal with it. Oh And we see a lot of time people give me edibles Be careful and leaves like it's fucking jam oak

And then we there's a guy that came to me. I started edible company. These are really strong. They do that was telling the way here He gives me he gives me a sheet. It's a hundred milligrams But it's the hundred month everybody who says it says it's the hundred milligrams strongest they've ever had their life Okay Right in front of him. I took the thing out my list. I just ate it. He got fucking pale The dudes like I don't want to be responsible. No, no, no, he goes you should take these when you're home You shouldn't take these when you need to drive. I Called him two hours later. Listen, don't you ever?

Call me again with that for no fucking edible Fuck is wrong with you You know what the fuck is wrong with you? You know what the fuck is wrong with you? He was petrified at least been there be careful Be careful with that cookie. Okay. Thank you for telling me this Meanwhile, you've been smoking dope for three fucking years. Jamoke. All right And people like I'm surprised people still say that to you for me Like they just see me fucked up and i get it i am fucked up but i'm also on like tonight like 300 milligrams

if you give me a 10 milligram edible i'm not going to feel it no so it's like it's like three grams of mushrooms that's like that's that's an aperitif for me like that will be like tonight i look to see how much they mushrooms add i had perfect grams. I'm like leave this at home Why even this is a waste of this will just be a little jiggle. This will bury you This is very the regular human being grams I gave you two and a half at that fucking what that that open mic and you were like, it's getting hot in here Yeah, throwing ice cubes out of shit there You weren't like that was a fun night. But yeah, all those mushrooms hit us like a fucking right punch to the head

We were fucked up Fucked up. I walked in there Joey. Joey. Look look not tonight guys Saviors life story tonight two guys. Can you get me on Rogan? Then some guy came up to me at the restaurant here and he's like, I don't mean to bother you. But that's the best line I heard all year. And I go, what? He goes, I was there the night in Freehold at the open mic, the big room, when you went up.

And you're like, listen, I know. He goes, you went up there and said, first of all, put your fucking phones away. I don't wanna see your fucking phone This is comedy and you could see a lot of people's faces drop Put your phones in your pocket. This ain't no secret agent movie and number two. I Know your kids very talented He probably plays the bass at the school band

You know But guess what? I can't get him on Rogan. So don't fucking ask. Because I had a bunch of those the last couple of months. I never told you. No. Oh yeah. My kid's talented. He got a 4.0 on his...

Listen, I can't do nothing for you. I swear to God, I get those and those are the best. I love you idiots. You know, my husband just fell on stairs. Some ladies wrote me like a two page Facebook. Her husband fell on the stairs, they put a metal cap on him. You know, he's getting fucking radio.

I don't even know. I stopped after a minute. And then I just look at the bottom. If you could tell Mr. Rogan to call us. We'd love to explain what NASA did to my kid's eye. I got, listen, you know, it's, if I call Joe and refer Lee, he won't put Lee on. But if he calls me and says, what do you think of Lee? And I go, Lee's great. He'll put Lee on. These people think that you can just call these people and go, yeah, I had my friend's fucking wife

never talk to me again. Because she wanted me to put her friend on. This book explains all the mysteries of life, you know, but she lives in fucking Burbank, you know what I'm saying? Dude, one of the hardest, I laughed, because we took some mushrooms yesterday, and we were out to eat, and this person came up to you, and I don't know with this specific one,

but I've heard it happen to you a few times. Someone was like, hey, I was just with so-and-so, and they really want you on their podcast, and they think it'll be great. We should, and you're nicer than I would expect you to be, but like the idea of like I'm just so jealous of people who would have the balls to be like hey I get a hundred views. I Think Joey should be on this like that. That's crazy like people

People don't know people think you're gonna go on that podcast to save it. They have no idea That's probably worse for your podcast because if you get spike, what goes up comes down like a motherfucker quickly. So you always want to work it. And I tell people right now, when they call me, I'm like, listen, here's the situation. First of all, you're an hour away. That's two hours out of my day. That's two plus the hour that we talk shit before we do it. And I know your neighbor's going to come over by mistake. Oh my god

It's Joey tears. I know I already know Before we even do this, I already know you're gonna have a drop-in and I'm have to talk to that fucking idiot for ten minutes You know, this is just that you already know and you look at it you go. What is my benefit? To three and a half hours now you're there for other comics, you're there for other podcasters, but I'm not 28 no more. You know, I gotta take a nap at three o'clock. I go down in the afternoon for 45 minutes, 50 minutes,

you know, those days of, now the Indic, I start smoking at 6.30. My daughter leaves at 7.10. I'm already high by 7.20 in the morning. What did you do today? You know what I'm saying? Right. So it's, yeah, but I can't believe people would ask you to get...

Listen, that's part of the business. We used to ask people. Uncle Joe here yet again. If you can't hop on a plane to see your loved ones this holiday, the next big thing is to give them his Aura frames. Aura frames are the digital picture frames that are super easy to use. Just upload a picture of your family or whatever you got videos directly from your phone to your frame you can even order your frame online and preload it with photos and videos using the aura app so it'll be ready to

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Don't forget get your aura frames dot-com Promo code Joey. Okay, we were talking about something how to get up and pee in the bathroom I told Lee remember what we're talking about let me just go pee real quick I'm in the bathroom not 10 I didn't even close the door and I got I heard a lot of yacking out here a lot more than you know yacking and giggling and things moving and feet moving. They just can't leave shit where the fuck they are. I come out here, it was a long P, but I come out here and all four of them, we don't know

what you're talking about. Yeah, he don't need it. I don't care Listen leave the fucking stool how it is Burn the fucking thing if there's gum on his shoe. Leave it there. He should have cleaned it off before it don't matter We dig everybody. I did now you understand where I'm coming from you fucking animals We only have so much space like the fucking computer. It's over because the bullshit. So that's why you have the rules that you have. You could also just smoke a little bit less. Smoke a little bit less what?

Weed. I don't know. I don't smoke a lot of weed. No? I just smoke weed to prepare me for, you know, and I'm a positive guy. I wake up every morning going, it's going to be a fucking great day today. I'm going to stab a motherfucker. I'm going to do this. I'm a positive guy. I wake up every morning going it's gonna be a fucking great day today I'm gonna stab a motherfucker. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do this I'm gonna try to make some money and there's always a curveball and how we react to that curveball is how the rest of the fucking

day goes But after a while you already know like once you I'm high when I go to the gym I'm very high and I'm very calm I slip in I say good morning that's it I got on the bike and we always have ESPN on which helps our cause so I could pay attention what happened and I sit then I wait now I'm doing hits on the bike which is 30 seconds of like 10 and then 30 seconds of 6 and and then 30 seconds of six and then I'll go back up to seven,

and I gotta memorize this shit. But then again, there's always that one person that wants to come over and start chit chat with me. You don't know how many times I almost die, I run out of oxygen. And I'm like, we gotta go. And then they wanna stand here, which I got a fucked up left eye, whatever

So once I've got a little district start getting vertigo It's like when you're in a bar and the TV's there people want to give you an ear beating you got about 10 seconds Ten seconds cuz I'm not gonna sit like this the whole afternoon. Really your father was a cop. I don't give a fuck We're at the bar There's a bunch of women, there's a bunch of people. Everybody's watching the football game. You want to tell me a fucking life story? Now I got to sit like this though, fucking man.

Think about that shit. Nobody thinks about that shit. Yeah, it does piss you off. It's fucking like simple things. So when I, you know, I go to the gym and right away like today I went to the gym. Nice gym, I love the people, but there's two people that are like, you know, they come in and they just say Moana. They're 40 years old. They talked about Moana for a fucking half hour

Doing the thing Moana to that we didn't see Moana one. Are you fucking crazy? Moana Jews are fighting in Syria and you're talking about fucking Moana. Are you fucking crazy? And you're talking about fucking Moana. Are you fucking crazy? It's a chatty gym. They're older. So it's a very like people stop and talk to each other. They stop They got like two seconds What's up, and I don't insult them. I just keep working out while they're talking to me. I don't have the time What do you want to talk about? We're in the fucking gym You know, I don't know how many times, I don't know if this happened to anybody lately.

Have you been to a men's room lately? There's always a jerk-off in there on the phone, but on a camera phone. What? Like talking to another jerk-off, like, yeah, I'm here. I'm here at fucking Burger Brothers and yeah, it's right. Like in the last month, two bathrooms I've gone in there's two chair and men not fucking kids Men on a fucking cell phone doing audio. Yeah. Yeah, I told them that I'll pick them up after the game Don't get that fucking video. We just somewhere we just went to somebody had a fucking maybe Jersey City

One of those places I had a look at something go you gotta get the camera out of the bathroom He was at the urinal with his dick in one hand With his other fucking hand You know, I can't do it now. You want to ask me why I smoked dope anyway Listen, it was a fun podcast We talked a lot of shit Well high as fuck and guess what motherfuckers the church is back whether you like it or not So we're here every fucking Tuesday morning ready to rock you. Tell them where you at this weekend Lee this week

I'm with Josh Wolf in New Jersey, Delaware, Pennsylvania, the 11th through the 14th. Check it out, josh, comedianjoshwolf.com, Newark, New Jersey, Red Bank, Newark, and Wilmington, Delaware, Easton, Pennsylvania. And I'll be at the Stress Factory Wednesday night, it's sold out. Do not go to any of the sites and pay any amount of money more than $30

If you do you're a fucking Momo and I'd be really upset with you I want to thank all our sponsors and I want to thank you guys for Giving us another chance on a Tuesday morning and I want to thank Nikki Pork chops for bringing some Fiori's straight out of Hoboken. They've been there for how long, dawg? 80 years, 80 years. Jesus was there. What the fuck have you done lately? I'm gonna thank the head technician, George Kaludinsky,

and fucking my brother, Nick McIntosh, Apples. He's Apple. You ever met that guy, Hugh Apples, McIntosh? He was a gangster with the Columbus, but he couldn't be made because he was Irish See you always learn something good on here He died I don't fucking know fuck is wrong with you. I love you cock suckers. See you next week What's happening you savages? The Church New Testament today is brought to you by Blue Chew.

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